#i wrote this when i was 15 just after the news broke

[mankillercalledbunny]

Apologise

E. Abel, 2014

The year is 1955.

A fourteen-year-old boy

Named Emmett Till

Winks at a white woman in Missouri.

Days later

His body washes up

Soaked

Barely recognizable.

When it's finally identified

With its beaten black face

Smashed to the point

Where it's hard to think this kid

Ever had a name

It's sent to his mother

Who chooses

Not to cover his face at the funeral

To leave the coffin open

So all can see

The bruised and rotted flesh

Swollen discolored and bloody

With one eye dangling from its socket.

Thousands of people cry.

The pictures hit the news.

Emmett Till and his mother Mamie

Are names known across the country

And the men who killed him

Are found not guilty.

-

The year is 1964.

A young man

Named James Earl Chaney

Is working with the Congress of Racial Equality

As a civil rights worker in Mississippi.

He advocates voter registration

Trying to get black people

The representation they deserve.

The KKK has burned a church for blacks.

Chaney is investigating.

His bus is stopped

By a group of men

In pointed white hats and masks.

For weeks people search

Until his body is found,

But only because he went missing

With two white men.

The dozens of other blacks who have gone missing

In the same way

In the same town

Are never searched for

And the Klan members don't go to prison.

It takes 40 years

Before the man who organized his killing

Is sentenced

For manslaughter.

Four years later

A great leader is shot.

-

The year is 2012.

A boy of seventeen

Named Trayvon Martin

Is walking around Sanford Florida

Wearing a hoodie

Getting candy and juice

At a convenience store.

A neighborhood watch volunteer

Sees him slouching

His hood up over his head.

A gun is drawn and fired.

Trayvon keels over.

His pictures are released to the press

Who debate the issue more heatedly

Than the presidential race.

Rallies and protests ensue,

Millions sign a petition for the volunteer's imprisonment

But Florida says "Stand Your Ground"

And Zimmerman walks free.

-

The day is August 9th, 2014.

In Ferguson, Missouri

An eighteen-year-old

Named Michael Brown

Is walking down the street with his friend.

A police officer pulls up and yells for them to get on the sidewalk;

The two keep walking.

The officer pulls up next to them

Yelling again.

Suddenly a shot is fired from inside the car.

It grazes the teen's side

He and his friend take off running

The cop chases.

The friend hides behind a car

Fearing for his life.

A second shot hits the already wounded boy

The teen turns to his attacker instead.

Michael gets down on his knees

An innocent

Surrendering without a fight

In the hope that his enemy will have mercy

"Hands up

Don't shoot"

He cries.

BANG

To the head

BANG BANG BANG

Bullets hit the insides of his arms

His chest

The body lays in the street for hours

Police pick it up later in a van

The witnesses all say the same thing.

-

That night the protests start

Saying the same thing Michael said

"Hands up

Don't shoot"

"No justice

No peace"

Not a gun is drawn by the protestors

No threats are made.

The next night

Tear gas is thrown

As a crowd control tactic

By police.

Within a week

Armored vehicles and assault rifles

Have been dealt to the suburban unit

The people still protest in peace

Suffering burning eyes

And rubber bullet wounds

For justice

And Darren Wilson gets away with murder.

-

It has been sixty years

Since the death of Emmett Till

Fifty years since the deaths of J. E. Chaney and Martin Luther King. Jr

Two years since Trayvon Martin

And still one must wonder

What America truly thinks

When it says

All its people are born equal

If the life of a black teenager

Is worth less than the box of cigars he supposedly stole,

When those who are supposed to protect us

Can murder innocents

And walk away unscathed.

We may be the home of the brave

But the United States

Is still not

The land of the free

For anyone whose skin

Is darker than the sand on the beach,

We cannot say we stand for justice

Until all murderers sit behind bars

Instead of in front of their televisions

In the guise of a police officer.

America is crippled

Until it can stand united and say,

To the dark children

Whose parents have been fighting the same fight

For the last four hundred years

And have yet to gain their equality,

Until it can say to them

"I'm sorry."

‘Race and racism is a reality that so many of us grow up learning to just deal with. But if we ever hope to move past it, it can’t just be on people of color to deal with it. It’s up to all of us – Black, white, everyone – no matter how well-meaning we think we might be, to do the honest, uncomfortable work of rooting it out. It starts with self-examination and listening to those whose lives are different from our own. It ends with justice, compassion, and empathy that manifests in our lives and on our streets.’ — Michelle Obama

[sabine-smitten-obviously]

And YOU will feel healed of the last 15

... when you read this fic. That is, as long as you suffered from an abandonement wound like i did.

Ello lovelies, i have another wonderful fanfic-rec for you! 🤓

But you are an ocean by @ineffably-good

Coverart by @ineffableclassics

What it is about:

After Aziraphale's defection, Crowley tries to figure out how to live life for himself.

Notes:

Ok so, the end of season two broke me. Figured I was maybe done writing stories about these two after that. And yet, several hours later, a sentence appeared in my head, and then this happened. Guessing at chapter totals… I'm finding I like the idea of Crowley going off in a different direction than what I'd initially expect. Not just raging, not sleeping for a century, but actually trying to move on. And why the hell shouldn't he just move to the South Downs by himself? So here we are.

What i like about it:

🩷This fic doesn´t jump in on pushing the story - their story - forward. Instead it goes a totally different path. A quite big part of it is dedicated to Crowley mending the pieces of his broken heart. It´s endearing, it´s breathtaking and it will have you cry. Not only for Crowley but for every single person who ever had to endure heartbreak.

🩷Fun fact no.1: in real life I am a relationship-coach specialised in toxic relationships and heartbreak. And the way Crowley´s heartbreak is described couldn´t be any more accurate. Every thought, every pain, every action he takes, the strength it costs him, the weight of it all - its written absolutely to the point. I could have copied several pages for the "most beloved quote".

🩷So Crowley tries to build a life for himself. Not just living without the angel and rotting in a pit, but really trying to carve out a nice little existence for himself. He is doing his work, he is healing and you can follow along with him, as he learns to build at least new "friendships" - though he would never call it that himself, thanks a lot.

🩷This healing-journey takes quite some time and somewhere in the middle of it i started to think - he could do it. He COULD heal his hurt, mourn the loss and still somehow at least live a life on his own. Maybe feeling the missing part of himself for the rest of his existence, but not being miserable about it the whole time. And that is a thought - a wish - i would have for my dark angel.

I could see him living that life and at one point i almost thought - i would love to see how that would´ve played out for him. A life without Aziraphale. What connections would Crowley have made? How would he have coped with the loss of those humanly connections lifespan after lifespan? Would he have relocated each century? Would he have moved to Australia and learned surfing at one time? Would he have become a timelord and travelled - i mean seriously, Crowley could do that probably?

But you, my dear, are an ocean.

And oceans are ancient

And can survive everything,

Even the wrath of weather and planets.

-- Nikita Gill

SPOILERS AHEAD - if you don´t want to know the plot, stop reading here.

Stop reading if you dont want spoilers!

Ok - you´ve been warned! Here we go: 🤗

🩷Fun fact no.2: I actually downloaded this fic some time ago but had another fic in mind i wanted to start next. So after i finished the last one (also really brilliant, i wrote a rec on it too), i started my e-reader the next day, THIS fic was already open instead on page 1. Huh?

I have absolutely no idea how this is possible, but i DO believe in hints-of-the-universe. Or little demonic miracles on their own. Because i needed this fic.

🩷Because of course - this is a Good Omens fanfic and eventually the other angel arrives. And without giving away to much: Aziraphale has to fight for Crowley. A long long time. He has to be steadfast and consistent and earn the trust of his has-been-companion-for-millenia. Nothing is a given any more.

And i am NOT saying that this is what Aziraphale needs to do or that he was wrong in any way. (The fic doesnt say that either by the way.) But what cracked ME personally about the last 15 was my own abandonement-wound which got triggered massively. I felt retraumatised even.

So reading and feeling that Crowley does not jump on the next best possibility to be back with the angel was a big thing. Having the Angel slowly earning his trust and simply showing up again and again - I needed that. I needed Crowley to take his time, not be the sick lovefool he is often proclaimed to be. For him to have doubts, to feel conflicted, to feel love and the need to self-preserve at the same time.

All these ambiguities we all have. And to take the steps with him. Watch the turning point, when the fear of losing Aziraphale again becomes less and less and the fear of wasting time gets stronger. Taking one step at a time, sometimes even backwards. All those things, typical for a healing process, which is never straight forward but most of the time a rollercoaster instead. I loved this. I needed this. I could sit back, breathe and watch my own heart grow. Just. Wow.

Most beloved quote:

So if you feel like maybe you need a fic in which Aziraphale really shows up and cares while Crowley really takes his time to learn to trust again... And not because one of them has been an idiot, but to experience them both learning and growing together ... and that might be something for your own healing journey, this might be just THE fic for you. I absolutely loved it and so will you.

Reading is therapy! 🤗

[charmedbystars]

for the plot...?

pairing: e-42 miles x reader

summary: just press send.

content: ONE CURSE WORD

a/n: I HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE LOOP! these past few months have been crazy! i've moved like 4 times in just a couple months, it's insane... also i wrote this in life 20 minutes sooooo..

part two here!

you could hear the commotion going on outside your room. parents invited everyone they knew over to party. it was the 31st of december, the day that everyone anxiously waits for so they can have a “fresh start”. sometimes you thought it was a little weird… like why are you waiting for the next year when it’s any other day. sometimes you think people just use it as an excuse to hold off, “i’ll start working out next year” or “i’m gonna start learning to love myself this new year”. if you were ever making goals then it was just knowing who your real ones are or leaving all the bad last year. 

now just two minutes before the countdown started, you were staring down at your phone with uncertainty. the four words that you never thought you would send was now drafted, thumb hovering over to send it at the perfect time. thumb against your teeth, as your eyes darted around your room. millions of thoughts were running through your mind to hype yourself up to just press send. 

a couple months earlier, you and your now ex-boyfriend, miles, were in a relationship. it was a good relationship, except it would always get rocky when conversations of making time for each other came up or the topic of the prowler slipped while talking. 

you knew everything, but sometimes you just wished that he would focus on himself. you just wanted for him to clear his head for a couple hours and think like a regular 15 year old. 

so, that being so, you both broke up mutually. you both agreed that you guys didn’t want to end up having a bad argument and it spiraling into a bad break up, so mutual it was. you guys didn’t speak that much after, just nods to acknowledge each other when walking down the halls of school or down the streets of brooklyn, or sometimes you guys would occasionally partner up for school projects. then, months passed by and it was as it you guys went full no contact, although sometimes glances were tossed here and there and you could feel that there was still a connection. 

which brings you back to now, thumb hovering over the “send” button. glancing at the time, it was 11:59PM. couple seconds later you hear the people in your living room starting to countdown.

“ten!” 

okay i can do this

“nine!”

if it doesn’t work then this year is for myself

…

“five!”

mmm i can’t back outttt

“two!”

oh fuck it

“one!”

i’m just gonna do it for the plot. was your last thought as your quickly hit the sent button. you sighed as if that simple tap took everything out of you. 

“new year, new us?” 

you read the message you sent before shutting off your phone and deciding to walk into the living room, when you felt a little vibrate just a few seconds later.

*miles liked your message*

“wsg ma?”

[charmac]

"15 years ago today I started working in TV. My first job was for Demetri Martin’s sketch show called Important Things. I was hired based off a packet that contained the first two sketches I ever wrote and a phone interview with Demetri where I admitted that those were the first two sketches I ever wrote. He hired me anyway and I moved out to LA, planning to return to New York after that job was over. Sadly, I never went back. Less sadly, I never stopped working either, which was good because I was flat broke. I remember it took them almost 6 weeks to give me my first paycheck, and if I hadn’t been living with my Aunt Denise and eating her food, I don’t know what I would have done. I sent my mom an email that first night telling her how my first day was. I was the only female writer (again) but my coworkers and bosses were very lovely and funny and mercifully kind to me, as I knew absolutely nothing about writing for TV. So here’s my answer to my mom’s question 15 years later: Writing for TV is wonderful and awful. Some days it’s laughing so hard in a room your cheeks hurt, and some days it’s crying alone in your bedroom wishing you had just become a high school English teacher and stayed in Kalamazoo forever. It’s the biggest boost to your ego and it eats your soul. Every time I think I’m getting better at it, I have a day where I wonder if I’ve ever said a funny thing in my life. The highs are high, the lows are lows, and there is no middle. I’ve met a lot of my heroes, I’ve written for some of them, and Danny DeVito knows my name. But today I cried three times trying to execute some notes on a pilot that I sincerely doubt will ever be good enough. So I called my mom again and she still thinks I’m talented, even when I don’t. I hope she’s right, because at this point I can’t do anything else."

Megan Ganz on Instagram today

[repulsiveliquidation]

Kiss Me Before You Go

Leah Williamson x Reader Blurb!

Angst. Based on a song, kiss me before you go by will hyde. I wrote this in 15 minutes on the plane when I heard this song come on lol.

just a little something before i post again later!

//

“I can’t fucking do this anymore Leah!”

“You can’t do this? I’ve been trying, you can’t just throw us away like that!”

“Watch me.”

She walks out the door, slamming it behind her. I stare at it and wait, hoping that she opens the door and walks back inside. Waiting for her to slam herself back into my arms. Waiting for her to kiss me. Waiting for her to love me again.

She doesn’t. A car door slams, engine runs and she’s gone. The love of my life is gone.

She said she’d never leave.

//

“It’s been a week Leah, you’ve got to get out of this bed.”

“I don’t want to.”

“She walked out on you, Lee. She left.”

“She’ll be back. She always comes back.”

“No one knows where she is. She’s not coming back.”

“Get out.”

“Leah please.”

“I SAID GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ALESSIA!”

Alessia walks out quietly, leaving Leah alone. Leah cries again for the umpteenth time, hoping and praying that her belief that you will show up comes true. It has to.

//

“How is she doing, Ale?”

“You know exactly how she’s doing, hermana.”

“I want to go back, I really do. But she’s been a handful since her injury. She gets mad easily and she blames everyone but herself. I can’t blame her, she’s frustrated I get that. But she doesn’t get to walk all over me just because she’s had her life turned upside down!” Frustrated tears flow down your cheeks, Alexia pulls you into her arms and rocks you slowly. You’ve gone back to Spain, needing to be away from Leah and home was the best option.

“I know bebita. You put up with me when I got injured. I know how she feels and I know it’s hard but she needs you now more than ever Pequeño. She needs some time but she also needs someone who is strong than she is right now. For me, it was Mami, Alba and you. She has her family; no doubt they’ll be the ones who will be there for her, but you’re different to her. You’re you. She needs that.”

You mull on Alexia’s words, nodding softly into her chest. She smiles, rubbing your back with a happy smile on her face that she got through to you. Leah had called her sobbing before you got here, knowing that you would have either stayed with one of the Arsenal girls or gone home. When no one at Arsenal had heard from you she called Alexia. She thought it was odd to get a call from the England captain but answered anyway. Her sobs broke Alexia’s heart, listening to her cry out for you and to tell you that she loved you and that she hoped you would come home after you’ve had a bit of time.

About 20 minutes later you called her and told her you were booking a flight to Barcelona and after she ended the call she sighed. She knew about Leah’s injury and having suffered the same one just a few months before she knew how stressful it must have been.

You sat on the couch that night and booked the next flight back to England. You called Alessia and asked her how Leah was doing and your heart shattered at the news that Leah had been cooped up in bed the whole week. You apologized to Alessia for having to be a part of this, promising that you would make it right.

//

The sound of the front door unlocking scared Leah. She was about to go out there and yell at Alessia for disturbing her again when she was met with the one person she had wanted to see all week. She stood there dumbfounded, rubbing her eyes and hoping she wasn’t dreaming. You walked in the house, standing in front of her.

“Leah?”

She doesn’t answer, crumbing to the ground in tears. You immediately pull her into your lap, sitting on the floor with her. You cry with her, cradling her and rocking her back and forth.

“I’m so sorry. I love you so much Leah, I’m so sorry I walked out.”

“You left me when I needed you.”

“I know baby, I’m so sorry I did that. I broke a promise I made to you. I can only hope you can forgive me baby.”

“I needed you…I cried out for you…I wanted you to hold me and to tell me I was going to be okay…”

“I will now, my love. I will try to be better. I love you. I love you so much it hurt so bad to be away from you when I knew in my heart and soul that you needed me. I was wrong. I wasn’t trying hard enough. I will try harder now, only if you’ll let me.”

“Please, don’t break my heart again.”

“I won’t my love. I’ll put it back together and I’ll never break it again.”

[brains4brawn]

Journalled

It was a small thing, tucked away in the corner of the thrift shop. Victor had pulled it out, but the book was locked and bound in gold and wouldn't open. His mind piqued, Victor bought the book and took it home. Over the next week He tried everything to undo the clasp but nothing worked. When he had just lost hope a tiny but audible Click could be heard, Victor rushed back to find the clasp undone and the bindings slightly ajar.

Victor carefully opened the ancient tome only to find that the pages were stuck. it was like they had been glued! Only the last page remained free. Written towards the top if fancy handwriting

"Write it down so i can enact Be-warned Though, What is written I can not retract!"

Under neath that was 5 evenly spaced lines. and another message at the bottom,

"I only remain open for this 1 day Until 5 complete Earth circle's will I open again"

Looking at the the 3 blank lines, And thinking this must be a joke he wrote

I will graduate from college

My older brother will never pick on me again

Over the next 20 years I will gain 150lbs

As Victor finished the book slammed shut and relocked itself. Scared Victor threw the book into his closet and ran down stairs.

That night his family recieved word that Victor's older brother was in a bad car crash. He was alive but in the ICU and had lost his legs. Certainly the taller brother would never pick on the shorter Victor again.

The crash had been the fault of the manufacturer so the family received and huge settlement. This money paid for Victor's choice of college.

Two years later, when Victor was home from college for the summer and his mother commented that he was finally starting to get bigger.

The 20 Year old checked the scale and sure enough he weighed 140, 15lbs heaver then when he was 18. Victor knew it had to be the book.

Victor: 22, 155lbs

The College graduate was now 23 and moving all of his stuff from his half of the bedroom to his first apartment when he stumbled across the book. Looking at the date on the wall Victor realized it was exactly 5 years since he had last seen the cursed object. As if it had a mind of its own the book opened to the last page, now with three new empty lines waiting to be filled.

Victor hesitated, he had imagined for the last 5 years what he'd do if he had this chance again. He could fix everything!

My older brother James develops a prosthesis so he can walk and run again.

My younger sisters will grow into smart talented women who will want for nothing.

Looking at his tiny 15 year old brother Bastion asleep on the bed Victor writes:

Bastion will grow up to be the popular jock just like his older brother.

Satisfied, the book shuts itself and prepares to grant Victor's wish.

Victor 24, 170lbs

For the most part the Wishes went like Victor planned. Well except for Bastion's. In the proceeding months after writing those words Victor found himself becoming more popular and Jock-like. Words like Bro or Bruh, dude, man, had taken over. He joined a gym and from there joined some local sports teams. When he wasn't busy at work or working out Victor could be found screwing every chick he could find. No girl was immune to his baby faced charms and his Gym sculpted body.

Victor 26 185lbs

Victor 28 200lbs

Victor practically lives in the Gym now. His gains speak for themselves his body is a temple and he loves for chicks to worship him. His younger sisters call him a man whore, while Bastion is turning out just like him.

His girlfriend of 6 months broke up with him cause she caught him in bed with her mother.

Looking in his closet he stumbles over the Book, open and waiting for him to write something down.

In his jealousy of those gay guys who can sleep with anyone he wrote:

I'm like 100% gay, no chicks only dicks.

I wont get any STD's from sex.

Sex with me will change anyone's life.

Again the book closes and gets to work.

Victor 30, 215lbs

Vic the dick had been out for 2 years now, the book took the man whore and turned him into a man slut. Everyone wanted a piece of him and at least Vic was smart enough to charge them for his services. Every option on the table is open he'd do any guy and make them feel like his number1. Every guy he slept with changed, most upped their stamina but some hunked out into gay sluts just like Vic.

Hell even Bastion had come out and if the rumors are true he's slept with every guy at his college.

Vic 32 230lbs

Vic was becoming something of a local celebrity in the gay community. His looks had caught the eye of a movie producer and now he was staring in low budget action movies as the gay savior. He had been so busy that he wasn't home for his 33rd birthday. Some how the book found him on location in the bottom of his travel bag.

Vic watched as it opened up to the last page with 3 empty spaces.

He took his time and pondered over what he should write.

I want to find true love

I want to be content

I want to be smart again

The book seemed to close with a sigh. None of these were worth the trouble of granting. But a deal is a deal.

Vic 34, 245lbs

Vic, 38, 275lbs

Finally after 20 years, Vic had stopped growing. Life had settled down for the Gay icon, nowadays, he owned a successful chain of LGBTQIA Gyms that catered towards the community needs. He organized Pride events and helped with protests when needed. He looked at the open book on his desk. It was tempting but Vic no longer wanted to change anything about his life. Even though he had never found a lifelong partner.

He decided he had held on to the magic for to long, so he summoned his newest intern Jack and gave the book to him then let him leave so he could explore this newest acquisition.

*bright flash of Light*

The intercom beeps and Vic pushes the button.

"Sir your husband just arrived to collect you. He wants to remind you that you still have to pick up the kids and get changed for tonights ceremony"

Before he could even answer the door burst open and Vic's husband of 7 years strolled in. Vic was already out of his chair and giving Jack a pec on the cheek while grabbing his toned ass.

On his way out Vic glanced at the family photo on his desk and gave a silent thanks to the book.

[renardiererin]

two: vicious

you dated rintarou suna for a little over a year. everything was so picture perfect-- retrospectively staged to get you too caught up in his shallow, strategized acts of "affection" to notice what kind of a guy he really is. he's in a band; a pretty popular one, at that. he's the lead singer/guitarist, and half the internet is in love with him. every red flag you excused as typical male behavior. every problematic response to a fan's message or an article making him look bad, you just brushed off as the hate getting to him. you kept trying to look for the best in the worst, but every time you defended him it just turned the hate towards you. it caused quite the commotion. after you broke up, you decided to be private about it. keep your feelings to yourself-- and your best friend who came over with ice cream every night for 15 straight days-- and quietly carried the burden of the relationship you devoted an entire year of your life to. he started going to therapy, as per your advice, and started being nicer to his fanbase. all of it was forced by his management team to stop the bad press he was getting left and right, and it worked. the world stopped fighting against him, and he turned into a rock god. beloved by people all around the planet. he turns up at hospitals every couple of weeks to hang out with his fans there in order to make himself look good-- he won't do it if there's no press--, he started donating to charities, advocating for climate change (and by advocating, he was just reposting shit on his social media. hey, at least he's using his platform!), etc. the world treated him like an angel. you're not so sure that's true, though. you knew him for three years despite only dating for one, and you know rintarou like the back of your hand. if he's an angel, he's lucifer on a redemption arc. rintarou suna is the most cunning, machiavellian, cryptic, self-motivated, vicious man you've ever known. every girl he's seen with in public-- and it's a new one every week-- all have reputations for being "smart," yet all of them clearly neglect intuition if they're dating somebody like him. he's called you drunk a couple times since the breakup, whenever he gets insecure, and always ends the voicemail by pouting about how you don't love him and then some girl is pictured half naked leaving his house the next morning. he just runs to whoever's convenient. it's like he doesn't remember that night when he said it was you and him for life, because now he's kind of acting like you died. he stopped reaching out, moved on with his life after a week or two, and when he gets asked about your breakup in interviews he just furrows his eyebrows and says: "i'm sorry, who?" it's like he doesn't even feel remorseful. does he really regret nothing? maybe he doesn't think he hurt you. he wrote one song about the breakup, ending with the closing line: "wish you the best," so maybe he thinks that's his apology and you've forgiven him. maybe you were only the next one of his victims to take his love songs as a promise. you really just feel sorry for whatever girl he chooses to take advantage of next, because when she breaks he won't come back to pick up the pieces.

masterlist

taglist: @alienvarmint @kiyoily (raine ik you didnt actually ask but i <3 u so youre here anyway)

[horny-and-dead-inside]

Missing you

Bucky Barns x fem!reader

Summary: Bucky misses you and you miss him but you both think that the other has moved on.

Warnings: angst, it’s my first published work so please don’t judge, also i wrote it in like 15 minutes.

Your bed was cold. Empty. Just like your heart. Ever since you broke up you had spent your nights drowning in tears and memories and your days too depressed to leave your house. You stared at the ceiling and all that you saw was Bucky's face. His smile as he stared at you across the table. A single tear dropped from your eye. Why did it always end like this?

Bucky lay on his back in his bed, his arms beneath his head staring at the ceiling a numb feeling encasing his heart. Why couldn’t they just have figured it out? He rolled onto his side and picked up his phone and began looking at the pictures that he couldn’t bring himself to delete. You looked so happy in them.

You picked up your phone, the light hurting your aching eyes as you put in the password. You went to contacts and pulled up his number almost unconsciously. Your finger hovered over the call button and your heart begged you to press it.

Bucky sat up staring at the last picture that you had taken together wishing for a call or text from you. Every time his phone went off his heart leaped with hope that it was you. Almost every day since you had broken up he had almost called you begging you for forgiveness. But something had always stopped him. Maybe he was scared that you already had a new man in your bed, his fingers exploring the places on your body that Bucky knew so well. His lips kissing yours and you smiling into his eyes.

Your finger still hovered over the call icon on your phone but a vicious voice in the back of your head held you back. What if he already had a new girl and they were going out to lunch and laughing the same way that you and him used to laugh for hours. Maybe she was with him right now cuddling closer to him because he kept it so cold in his room.

Why couldn’t you have figured it out?

Bucky leaned his head against the wall and dropped his phone on the bed raking his hand through his hair. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe there was someone better for her somewhere out there. Maybe he would be able to kiss her better and comfort her better when she had arguments with her mom over the phone. Maybe he would be better for her than Bucky ever had been. 

You put your phone back on the nightstand by your bed feeling the lump rise in your throat again. “I love you bucky.” you whispered into the dark of your room drawing your knees to your chest with a quiet sob. “I’m so sorry for everything i did wrong.”

Bucky felt tears drip down his cheeks and wiped them away even though more took their place. After a while he fell asleep again and heard your laugh in his dreams along with a small voice telling him not to give up hope. maybe it would turn out right.

As you drifted to sleep you hoped that maybe tomorrow you would work up the courage to call him.

~ it's really short i know but if you want a part 2 please let me know!~

[hellishdeer]

Live reactions and ramblings about the two final episodes of Hazbin Hotel

Warnings: SPOILERS!!! Same as the other two posts, Incoherent, unfiltered thoughts, I wrote them as I was watching. Most of them are in chronological order, but not all. It's also longer than the others, since It's the finale 💀

EPISODE 7:

Everybody already knows Vaggie is an angel?! I thought she would still try to keep it on the down low after coming back, but hey, good for her!

SIR PENTIOUS PETTING KEEKEE 😭❤️

Charlie has hooves :00

Alastor just kicking his feet please- 💀 why is he so babygirl coded

"Just because you see a smile, don't think you know what's going on underneath." This entire piece of dialogue might be on of my new favorite Alastor moments ngl

ALASTOR ONLY OFFERED HIS INFORMATION IN EXCHANGE FOR A DEAL WITH CHARLIE I FUCKING CALLED IT-

THE DEAL MAKING SCENE OOOOO

"What's that you said about smiles?" "Good girl :)" The head pat I can't- 😭

"Bank accounts are scam created by the shadow-goverment!" 💀

Alastor listening to Charlie vent :'D he seems so fucking done

"Come on now Alastor, she's much too young for you! Just kidding, I know you're an ace in the hole!" "A what now?" I ADORE ROSIE ALREADY

"Tell Auntie Rosie what she can do for you!" 🥹❤️

"Susan, who's a bit of a..." "Ornery old bitch?" Alastor has stopped holding back all together, huh? 💀

CARMILLA FIGHTING BY KICKING WITH HER ARMS BEHIND HER BACK YOOOOOO-

"You have an X over your eye, and you wield an angelic spear. It's not exactly rocket science." The entire Hazbin fandom:

CARMILLA'S SHOES ARE ANGELIC STEEL?!??! I mean duh but

The dance choreography in "Out of Love" is goddamn stellar!!

VAGGIE'S WINGS LET'S GOOOOOOOO-

The entire scene with Rosie talking to Charlie, she's such a fucking sweetheart and one of my new favorites!! ❤️

Alastor letting Charlie borrow his microphone!!!

"She's bound to pass the test as the princess of Hell!" There's a test??? Hopefully I'm taking this too literally, because otherwise there is a lot of new unanswered questions 💀

"She's filled with potential that I could guide!" ..Is anyone really surprised at this point?

THEY ALL STAYED AND FORTIFIED THE HOTEL I'M SOBBING-

EPISODE 8:

"Oh Alastor, I can't wait to see you get fucked!" Vox sweetie, do you even know who you're talking about?

GENERAL PENTIOUS!!!! HE LOOKS SO GOOD OH MY GOD 😭❤️

Even getting off a random ass pole, Angel has to do it in style :'D

Cherri Bomb is there too, hell yeah!!

Cherri ffs, can you at least pretend to care about Charlie's speech 💀

"An enjoyable collective to be around, I admit one could get accustomed.." OH MY GOD????

THE KING OF ROACHES 😭😭❤️ I need to draw it at some point

ANGEL WANTING TO SPEND HIS POSSIBLY FINAL NIGHT ALIVE WITH HUSK AT THE BAR I-

SIR PENTIOUS TRYING TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO CHERRI BOMB Cherri if you don't want him I'll take him!!

THEY MADE THE TWO DICKS THING CANON WHAT- 💀

Charlie being afraid of loosing all of her friends :(

"MORE THAN ANYTHING (REPRISE)" *quiet sobbing*

Even Adam thinks Lute should chill the fuck out :'D

EVERYBODY'S BATTLE OUTFITS, ESPECIALLY CHARLIE'S AND VAGGIE'S :OO

"Let the slaughter begin." CHILLS.

NIFTY STABBING THE CORPSES 😭😭

"I'm about to end your fucking life." FUCK 👏 HIM 👏 UP 👏 ALASTOR

THE ENTIRE FIGHT BETWEEN ALASTOR AND ADAM my 15 year old self is having a stroke

HE BROKE ALASTOR'S FUCKING MICROPHONE?!??!!?

"Radio is not dead, but it is ending this broadcast.." Even when retreating from the battlefield, he does so with class, I love him so much-

Charlie apologizing to the angles as she's fighting them, this girl-

THE KISS!!! THE SCREAM I SCREAMT.

On a more serious note I really hope that Cherrisnake won't develop further than this. They have clearly very different needs and wants, that I can't see mixing together very well. Cherri enjoys being free and doing as she pleases, with nothing tying her down, whereas Sir Pentious seems more traditional. It's also kind of shallow on both ends, Sir Pentious developing a crush seemingly out of no where, because "ooo hot lady!" and Cherri only being actually interested in sleeping with him after finding out he supposedly has two dicks.. :/

THEY FUCKING KILLED SIR PENTIOUS AND IN SUCH AN ANTI-CLIMATIC WAY FUCK YOU ADAM??!? I kinda saw this coming after it was said Angel wasn't the one to die but

RAZZLE AND DAZZLE TURNING INTO DRAGONS LET'S GOOO!! FUCK THEM UP GIRLS!!

THE FIGHT BETWEEN LUTE AND VAGGIE IS STRAIGHT UP BRUTAL OH GOD-

Charlie's devil tail :0

LUTE RIPPING HERSELF FREE FROM THE RUBBLE I'm just straight up terrified of her at this point

LUCIFER?!!? LET'S FUCKING GOOOO!!!!

"Sorry I wasn't here sooner." YEAH ME TOO BECAUSE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE IF YOU DID 🙃 But seriously where was he??? Surely he had heard about his daughter going to war against HEAVEN????

IT WAS A MASK??? I love how Adam just looks like.. a guy.

Lucifer not taking the fight at all seriously, I love him :'D

FATHER/DAUGHTER TAG TEAM WOOOO!! GET FUCKED ADAM.

NIFTY KILLED ADAM???!!? I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GIRL!!!! ❤️👏

BAXTER??? IS THAT YOU????

Nifty just zoning out during the TV interview, I love when jokes go full circle :D

THE "HAPPY FIRST WEEK SIR PENTIOUS" BANNER. I'M.. VIOLENTLY ILL. SOBBING. THROWING UP. CURLING UP INTO A BALL-

ALASTOR'S PART IN THE FINALE SONG. I got some serious chills. He looked actually frantic, only for him to pop up later, pretending like nothing is wrong, he's such a good character oh my god???

THE MEMORIAL FOR SIR PENTIOUS. I GET IT. STOP TWISTING THE KNIFE IN THE WOUND IM BEGGING YOU-

SIR PENTIOUS MADE IT TO HEAVEN I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW, HE LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL 😭❤️ VIV DON'T EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN OR I SWEAR- I also love Emily's and Sera's reactions to him pffft

LILITH HAS BEEN IN HEAVEN THIS ENTIRE TIME??? HUH????

I... feel like I'm going to combust. There was so much new information.. I need to go lay down and sleep for like a day.. or two 🙃

[floridagirlboy]

go check out @nevgovhater's marching band headcanons. done with that? ok. good. time for orchestra headcanons.

gov is the conductor. i need not say anything else.

1. ALABAMA — second violin. just strikes me as the type. he doesn't like to sit in the front or back, he prefers middle of the section.

2. ALASKA — double bass. specifically 2nd chair. he has the skill to be principal bassist but he has zero interest in being a section leader.

3. ARIZONA — cello. not sure why. i think they started out as a violinist, decided it wasn't for them, and then switched over to cello. they sit in the second row. 3rd or 4th chair.

4. ARKANSAS — first violin. in the back. got put into this class on accident and just hasn't switched out. used to be a second violin but switched sections later on. his old sectionmates haven't forgiven him.

5. CALIFORNIA — started out playing the viola. could not get along with them (they play around too much for his taste). accidentally broke his shoulder rest and that was the crucible for him switching to cello. he's a cellist.

6. COLORADO — viola, middle of the section. half-asleep at most rehearsals. people outside of the viola section forget he's there. always has an unreasonable amount of pencils on his person, all his section borrows them. only time he is not stoned is at a concert.

7. CONNECTICUT — concertmaster/principal first violinist/first chair. the kind of guy who slowly turns and stares at you after a song during rehearsal if you fucked up a chord really bad. will get onto his sectionmates for not bringing their stuff and say something like "next time i'm just not letting you borrow it" but he always does. he's a provider to his section. he cares about them a lot. same with the rest of the orchestra. just wants everyone to do their best. also he has tiny erasers on him to chuck at florida when he won't pay attention.

8. DELAWARE — second violinist, second chair. not sure why. just is.

9. FLORIDA — ...principal violist. he is the bane of gov's existence. main guy who drove california out of the viola section by being too silly but keeps begging him to come back. he has referred to this incident as the "viola section divorce", much to california's irritation, but he's started playing into the joke as well. he's a really good player but cannot focus to save his life. takes the most incomprehensible sheet music notes you've ever seen. you can't read half the notes on his sheet music because he wrote over them in the process of marking it. really good teacher to his section outside of the joking around way too much.

10. GEORGIA — second viola, has been florida's stand partner throughout all of orchestra. one of three people who can decipher florida's music (the other two being florida and louisiana; louisiana isn't even in their section, but florida taught him viola for funsies). dozes off immediately after rehearsal ends, but not during it.

11. HAWAI'I — first violin, second chair. chats with delaware sometimes since they sit next to each other. the only person she trusts to borrow her tuner, rosin, or cloth is alaska (and, lately, rhode island).

12. IDAHO — second violin.

13. ILLINOIS — first violin. i think he plays cello at home though.

14. INDIANA — cello.

15. IOWA — ..cello. maybe.

16. KANSAS — second violin or cello.

17. KENTUCKY — second violin or viola.

18. LOUISIANA — viola, second chair. florida's stand partner. he holds onto everything except the sheet music (which is surprisingly the only thing florida does not lose). actually joined orchestra because florida kept pestering him to. he got really good really quick because he has prior music experience.

19. MAINE — back of the bass section.

20. MARYLAND — clarinet

21. MASSACHUSETTS — first violin.

22. MICHIGAN — second violin.

23. MINNESOTA — first violin.

24. MISSISSIPPI — viola or second violin.

25. MISSOURI — viola.

26. MONTANA — second violin.

27. NEBRASKA — cello.

28. NEVADA — cello or first violin.

29. NEW HAMPSHIRE — cello.

30. NEW JERSEY — second violin.

31. NEW MEXICO — viola.

32. NEW YORK — cellist. wishes he was a violinist or violist sometimes but you'd have to waterboard that information out of him because he makes fun of the upper strings all the time.

33. NORTH CAROLINA — second violin. used to be a viola but switched over because his brother kept pissing him off.

34. NORTH DAKOTA — first violin. also switched sections to escape his sibling (former second violinist).

35. OHIO — viola.

36. OKLAHOMA — viola.

37. OREGON — first violin.

38. PENNSYLVANIA — first violin.

39. RHODE ISLAND — principal bassist. first chair because alaska doesn't wanna be there. he is so much fucking smaller than his bass that it's outright comedic. he sits on the stool to play and his feet don't even come close to the ground. perfectly capable of carrying his bass strength-wise but the size of it makes it a bitch, so alaska helps him. sometimes hawai'i if alaska is busy.

40. SOUTH CAROLINA — viola.

41. SOUTH DAKOTA — second violin.

42. TENNESSEE — first violin.

43. TEXAS — second violin. picked up the violin and he is not a fan but he's been with it so long he just doesn't know how to switch instruments. wishes he was a cellist. stares longingly at the cello section. he is allergic to shifting.

44. UTAH — first violin.

45. VERMONT — second violin.

46. VIRGINIA — first violin.

47. WASHINGTON — first violin.

48. WEST VIRGINIA — viola.

49. WISCONSIN — first violin.

50. WYOMING — bass.

[thementalshawty]

My New Beginning (My way out)

(Mentions of disabilities, mental, emotional, physical abuse, S*x abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal ideation, Domestic violence, be wary before reading).

So where to begin……. This is about familial abuse, so this has been something happening my whole life!!! My “mother” is a narcissist. She bullied me and my sister our whole lives, I am the third of 5 kids, she would pit us against each other and watch us fight to laugh and make fun, most of my insecurities stem from her clowning me in front of my brothers, funny enough she is NEVER ALONE, my father he abused us including her but he left and I thought we were better off for it, I wasn’t wrong but little did I know the monsters she’d allow into our lives after, I was getting molested by older brother and my mothers boyfriend before I even got to elementary school, my brother started when I was insanely young, and I still protected him as I didn’t know what tf was happening, her boyfriend started when I was in 4th grade, he wasn’t a drunk or anything just a pedophile, she knew he was because he got caught cheating on her with teenage girls and yet she still kept him around for a decade so wherever we moved he was there and I started to become angry, rage grew inside my soul like a fire that had no intention of burning out, on top of that he was abusive hitting and bruising me and my siblings who all have disabilities, you know my sister as she’s a tarot reader on here so I’m not going into specifics about them, but she would sit and watch and do nothing, she would hide food with him, have us stand in the corner for hours on end while they are food in front of our faces “mmmm that’s good”. She even forced to drink her breast milk in front of him, she despised us having friends, soo when I would have a friend she wouldn’t let me see them or go out or we would move, I’ve never stayed more than 2-3 years in any place my whole entire fuccin life! I don’t know anything but toxicity when it came to relationships, I tried to kill myself multiple times but they failed so I decided to be a burner, I just burned myself, the fire it was the rage inside me felt outside, I decided to tell my mother about the molester from her boyfriend when I was 15, because I told someone in school he told me I had to tell her or he would so I wrote her a letter, he had a gun in the house and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself (gaslighting), she kicked him out for a day, brought him back then told me that I had to share her with him, so at 15 and with her knowledge of him molesting me, we all moved to California, we drove there, and that was awful, we all fought and he screams how he didn’t care about what he did to me and he was laughing in front of her, i ended up just sweeping that under the rug because i went to focus on my career I had acting classes so my mind was focused but I met a guy from school and he automatically hated him (the boyfriend) he told my mother and automatically I was told to stay away from him, I didn’t I had got arrested the year before so I had community service and he was helping me with that, I told him what happened I thought we were meant to be but he cheated on me with his sister and I found myself in her another Jerry springer bind but I found that out months after we broke up, but he stood up for me and he was the only one on the outside that actually came and defended my honor as sick as he is I will give him credit for that. A year later we’re moving bacc to NYC, before we did though, they got Into a fight (my mother and the boyfriend), pretending to break up, he went to the gas station filled a gas canister wit gas came back to the front door and poured gasoline on himself, obviously not lighting himself on fire because it was an act, he went to jail a week or two later she invited him back into her life, I already knew that it was going to happen because the shit was predictable at that point, Skipping ahead to 17, we moved back to NYC, we came separately, I came on a plane with my mother and the rest of my siblings drove back with him, because obviously she trusted him with children why wouldn’t she? She already knew what he was capable of, she didn’t care 🤷🏽‍♀️, when we got back to NyC she

Promises me that he’s not coming back into our lives that it’s over this time, I told her he’s going to gaslight her she says not gonna work, fast forward to when they all made it to the apartment, she approached me with the sob story I said he would come in with so she said she is letting him stay, I was going to just walk away, but my sister told me that she fought with him on the drive here, she stood up for me, he yelled at my older brothers and her that he did What he did to me cos he truly wanted to and he’s unapologetic for it, the flame it was uncontrollable and I blacked out I went into the room and I kicked him out myself. He yelled bullshit but he left, she hated me for that, so she started to sneak him in secretly then they started hiding food again, leaving us to literally shake, starve and feel sick, we learned how to improvise with what little we had. I was going to school so I didn’t care, speaking of school I was supposed to be on my last year of school, and I couldn’t graduate because my principal explained because I moved so much my credits were all over the place, so she told me I had to repeat a year that was devasting to me because in California I only had a few credits before I could graduate, I got two jobs because I just wanted to save up money to leave, she told my grandma lies oh she has a whole bunch of recruits that she tells constant lies too about us and what we do never the truth because they already feel she’s sick but they do nothing about it, family tho right? My grandma called me and so again we told her the truth and she helped us kick him out for good, (so that’s the end of boyfriend 1…. For now) I was finally 18!! So again I have no friendships nothing ever stuck, but I had two jobs and I was saving up for an apartment, I shouldn’t have done this but I was so proud of myself! I told her (my mother) that I was going to move out, get my own apartment and live on my own, she didn’t like that, she was saying that it was disloyal and what was she going to do without me and she needed help because most of my siblings have a disability, so I stayed, I couldn’t be disloyal when she needed me, that was a big mistake. A year later we are moving BACC to California because she has found A NEW BOYFRIEND, some guy she met over the phone, guess who helped her move back to California though (boyfriend #1), my brother who molested me left to go into the army, don’t worry he’s not in it any longer dishonorable discharge (it was fitting). So anyways the new boyfriend was some white guy who I felt meant no harm the fuccin dude was quiet and softspoken so I paid it no mind, but I was wrong, he was a drunk, not only was a he a drunk, he was a RACIST DRUNK! Did she care???? NOOOOOOO! Everytime I tried to leave she stopped me, til we fought then she would say to leave knowing I had nowhere to go, if I had a friend to go too she would hate that friend, funny thing is most friends that want to take me away from this be friends she introduced me too, she wanted to be friends with them but they wanted to be my friend yes they are younger people, I don’t have those friends anymore because they were very similar to her go figure right ? I thought I should call the cops, call for help, but everyone I reached out too did nothing INCLUDING COPS! So I felt backed into a corner, well I had my sister my little sister my rock, funny fun fact though, her new boyfriend ALSO LIKES LITTLE GIRLS oh and BOYS! He got arrested and she stood up for him, while he was doing that in her home, she would run away and leave us all my siblings in the house with him drunk calling us the N word, kicking doors down and causing mess, I couldn’t leave my siblings who couldn’t understand what was happening behind all I knew is that they were scared and their mother wasn’t there all she did was make excuses for him she told me I should kill myself, that I was a cunt that didn’t deserve her name, ( I don’t have it, I have my dads last name), that I was going to be nothing more than a whore, by this time………………

She knows about what my brother did to me I didn’t mention that confession because she just skipped right over it. She literally didn’t care and she told me to my face she believed he was only playing with me and I am confusing it all and that I know nothing about it because it happened to her and she the only one who knows pain and my pain doesn’t matter she tried to assault me and again tried to tell family but she already took the narrative so they weren’t trying to hear me out or help, in august of this year, me and my sister left, we went to stay in a motel for a week or two, with the help of my booking agent we didn’t have enough money to stay and the homeless shelters were all full and we’re not answering back, so we had no choice but to go back, we are back and nothing even a week later back to the drunk racist, not eating, starving routine, I wanted to die and I felt like a failure! I couldn’t even get out of bed I felt like I deserved this I got my sister out to end up right back 2 WEEKS LATER?!?!! I fuccin hated myself! He was drunk and again causing ruckus, she came back a morning later and was telling him to leave, he was going to hit her, my brother (diagnosed with MR) was out there with my younger brother (autism) and they were scared and standing up for her and the boyfriend was in their faces what was I supposed to do???? Me and my sister tried to help and she tried to tell us to leave for helping her!!!!! Me and my sister decided to just call the police, they started to fight, and he tried to kill her, the police got him out, and they told her that she was lucky to have her kids here, we cleaned up her room after he broke her whole house apart, I mean EVERYTHING IS TORN APART RN!!!! she decided that she was going to move down to Texas with the molesting brother because he has kids, (oh yeah other fun fact she kept forcing me to have kids she even wanted me to give her my eggs so she can have kids with both of those boyfriends she approached me TWICE ABOUT IT, one she wanted my eggs and the other she wanted me to be pregnant for her!) So now my brother has kids she was like saying she knows I’ll never have kids and I’ll be forever alone, that no one will ever love me, anyways skipping to now my birthday came and left I’m 27 now! The housing program that me and my sister signed up for began to pend and we found a place! We didn’t tell her we found a place and that we were in a program we didn’t even tell her that we went down the city. We ended up getting a random woman come into the house and serve us she was evicting us (my mother) even on the eviction notice it says no fault just cause, she didn’t even tell me, so we have 60 days to leave and vacate her premises! Funny enough yesterday my sister got her APPROVAL NOTICE!!! Mine is still pending but I know that I’m getting approved and if all goes well we will be in our transitional home on SATURDAY! We finally did it, dug our way out, I didn’t think that I could and that I would, I would’ve been opened up to someone if I didn’t believe that it was against the family or that no one would love me like she did, she painted the world as such a unloving place and that this toxicity was normal and for the longest I believed it, but I am waking up now! And I am looking forward to beginning my life AWAY FROM HER! Just me and my rock @silvershiningtarot I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY STORY, I’m only ashamed I kept quiet for so long, I allowed them to get away with everything and they took control of the narrative but I’m taking my power back! This is the first chapter of my success story! I’m not looking for claps or sympathy or for yky to actually care or anything I just wanted to put my story out there because this shit shouldn’t be in the dark anymore, mothers can be demons, family can be a dark and scary word for people and they’re not family, only relation! And I wanted to make that clear! RELATION DOESN’T MEAN FAMILY

I feel more familial love from you guys on here than I ever did anywhere! My music gave me hope and tarot gave me community

You deserve to know your reader through and through!

Thank you!!! For listening and taking the time for hearing this sad ass story, I hope I didn’t drag your day down! 💋

[black-arcana]

NIGHTWISH's FLOOR JANSEN Announces September 2025 'Music And Spoken Word' Tour Of The Netherlands

NIGHTWISH singer Floor Jansen will embark on a 10-date solo tor of her original home country, the Netherlands, in September 2025.

The 43-year-old Dutch-born vocalist, who resides in Sweden with her husband, SABATON drummer Hannes Van Dahl, shared the news of the upcoming trek in a social media post earlier today (Monday, October 14). She wrote: "Big news, everyone! I'm thrilled to announce something very close to my heart – my first-ever theater tour, 'Strijdlust' (Fighting Spirit),coming to the Netherlands in 2025!

"This is a dream come true and a new chapter in my journey. From metal stages to intimate theaters, I'm taking a leap to share my story with you in a whole new way.

"'Strijdlust' isn't just a show. I'll be opening up about my battles with cancer, the joy of motherhood, and the whirlwind of my music career — all through music and spoken word. And yes, it'll be in Dutch!

"Life has thrown some curveballs my way, but each challenge has only made me stronger. This tour is my way of sharing that strength with you. From NIGHTWISH to my solo career, you've been with me every step of the way. Now, I invite you to join me for this intimate, powerful experience. Let's celebrate life, music, and the fighting spirit that connects us all.

"Tickets are on sale now! Can't wait to see you there and share this special journey with you all."

In November 2022, Floor revealed that she was "cancer free" after undergoing surgery to have a tumor removed following a breast cancer diagnosis.

In October 2023, Jansen and Van Dahl welcomed their second child, Lucy. Jansen and Van Dahl also have a seven-year-old daughter named Freja, who was born on March 15, 2017.

In April 2023, NIGHTWISH surprised fans by announcing that the band was not going to be playing any live shows for the foreseeable future and would be not be touring in support of the group's latest studio album, "Yesterwynde", which arrived on September 20, 2024 via Nuclear Blast.

Floor's debut solo album "Paragon", arrived in March 2023.

As part of NIGHTWISH, Jansen has landed two No. 1 albums in Finland, and Top Five albums in Austria, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland.

Born in the Netherlands, Jansen joined her first band, one of the world's first symphonic metal bands, AFTER FOREVER, when she was only 16 years old. The group went on to release five albums from 2000 to 2007, before they broke up in 2009.

Jansen's next band, REVAMP, released two albums in 2010 and 2013, before she joined NIGHTWISH as a full-time member.

NIGHTWISH's first album with Jansen as the lead singer was 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful", which landed in Top 10s around the world. This was followed by 2020's "Human. :II: Nature." , which was also an international success.

Jansen has toured extensively with the band and appeared on three of NIGHTWISH's live albums "Showtime, Storytime", "Vehicle Of Spirit" and "Decades: Live In Buenos Aires".

In 2019, Jansen participated in the popular Dutch TV show "Beste Zangers" where she scored a big hit with "Phantom Of The Opera" together with Henk Poort. She was recognized with a Dutch Popprijs award — a prestigious accolade for artists that has made important contributions to Dutch music. In the same year, her first solo tour sold out in less than 24 hours.

Jansen performed live with NIGHTWISH for the first time on October 1, 2012 at Showbox Sodo in Seattle, Washington following the abrupt departure of the band's lead singer of five years, Anette Olzon. Jansen officially joined NIGHTWISH in 2013.

Photo credit: Tim Tronckoe

[bogusbyron]

Show notes from my double show day on 8th august 2024. 2nd show was largely very similar so any extra notes i took on that show are added onto the emds of the relevant scenes. Enjoy!!!

(Ignore the amount of times i mention jordan)

1) Stew snapping the book shut in the prologue real sharp will always make me giggle

2) fun little stolen time pause before stew delivers "do not forget me", makes it short and snappy (SHOW 2: stew threw the yellow slip so jvj would have to go collect it.)

3) valvert stare-down before javert's exit. Okay

4)  at this point i wrote "can't find harry. Worried" because i was scanning the ensemble for harry lake and he WASNT THERE mad as hell

5) verry good low note on "dirt beaneath" in the prologue .. milan❤ (SHOW 2: in that little bit when he steals the coin from the child they messed that the hell up girl you caught jackshit)

6) understudy bishop! Every other time ive been it was Adam Pearce . I think i prefer him but the u/s had a really nice rich voicr which i fw , not quite as deep as adam but i liked him. He was a lot more stern & firm as bishop, with bits like "remember this"  and "passion" being quite harsh.

7) valjean wincing when the bishop helps him stand (SHOW 2: when talking to the policeman after the robbery, valjean shakes his head at the bishop who then nods back at him. Heartbreakinf ohmy gyat)

8) "my life was a war" line being half-spoken, in a very distressed manner... quite liked that. Also he sobbed a bit after "allow this man" which got me in the feels.. let valjean cry 2024 (SHOW 2: harsh on "hate" in I had come to hate the world)

9) higher note on  "god above" which scratched the brain

10) jesus christ milan can hold a note . The whole "eye for an eye" crescendo drives me batty and milan does not disappoint

11) swallowed before "he told me that i have a soul" not sure if that was intentional like at all but considering his nervous delivery on future lines like "ill escape now" i thought it fitting

12) ENSEMBLE TIME🗣 tom is so hard NOT to spot, ginger ass hair. And also during At The End Of The Day he was hunched and staggering dramatically which made me giggle. Also bonnie langford spotted leftmost factory woman. Not important but i saw her. Also jordan was one of the workers and he cheers on the fight between fantine and the other woman but as soon as he sees valjean comes down the stairs he hurriedly goes back to looking busy writing at the desk. Again i giggled .

13) idk if its just me being stupid but katie's wig lookee different to how i remember it last time did she get a new one. ⁉️⁉️

14) "when i was young and unafraid" almost spoken.  Ate🗣

15) THE BRASS ON THE  I DREAMED A DREAM CRESCENDO UUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHH I ALWAUS GET GOOSEBUMPS ON "SHAME" UEGGGGHHH  goosebumps also on "i had a dream life would be"  katie's voice ao good ans clear ill go nuts

16)  i think jordan was the first  dude in lovely ladies  and he also got his arse  tapped by one of them so that was fun . It was harry lake last time but he really got his arse slapped like he stumbled offstage and everything

16) the woman with the hat in lovely ladies i forgot her actress' name but i LOVED her voice . I gotta know if she understudies anyone cause wowzer.

17) bambatabois was pissed as hell he was screaming his head off like a toddler

18) here i wrote "JORDAN POLICEMAN ON DA STAIRS🔥🔥🔥" handwrote the fire emojis and everything. He was playing one of the policemen and he climbed the stairs. I liked that

19) little fantine sob after javert says "i have heard such protestations" which BROKE my heart ohmy gah. Also katie always  eats the crescendo on "you let your foreman send me away"  that whole bit drives me crazy the music and strings bruh ohmy

20) javert's "monsieur le maire"  very curt and sharp almost a hiss which i dont think ive delivered like that before ? Looove snappy javert

21) like when i saw stew & milan on the 14th they have homo moment at the cart when javert holds valjeans bicep for far too long and his voice even goes up higher on "a memory stirs" as he stares into his eyes for Way too long

22) low note on "comes to court" which scratched the brain

23) valjean snatching his coat from javert LMFOAOAOO

24) his whole mini-monologue was so funny cause he was REALLY pronouncing his "k"s so it was just like  traCK🗣ed him down through thICK🗣 and thin. And to maK🗣e the matter certain theres the brand upon his sK🗣in. He will bend. He will breaK🗣 this time there is no mistaK🗣e

25) slight pauses between the last "i am damned" in who am i like  I. Am. Damned

26) i feel like milan is a lot more determined and deliberate and sure of himself as compared to chris' much softer and "mature"? valjean. Which i find interesting

27) katie somehow so good at singing even when "frail"  helloooooooo shes actually cracked  Get out

28) valjean so soft with fantine though  godbless she makes my heart ache. He had her face against her cheek which i thought sweet

29) CONFRONTATION SLIDE  HIIIIIIIT🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣 GO STEWART

30) Valjean scoffing before "men like you can never change" made me giggle hes so sick of his shit

31) gay as fuck fight. Will never get over stewart's insane gagging coughing and whimpering when hes thrown to the ground after being strangled. What the hell. I have a slur to say (SHOW 2: as javert was knelt down in front of valjean (🧐), when he pulled back his fist to fight back it looked like he was about to punch valjean in the balls but luckily valjean knocked him oit before he could do this)

32) BONNIE LANGFORD🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣 shes really witchy as mme thenardier kind of obsessed. I like her a lot . Her naturally high pitched voice creates a very interestinf tone when singing as mme thenardier which i LOOOOVE

33) when cosette asks her not to be sent out alone she kind of like steps back almost like shes afraid of cosette . Dont know whether this was fear or her being taken aback that cosette would reply but still made me laugh

34) JOOOOORDDAAAAAANN🗣🗣🗣 FUCK YALL KNOW ABOUT THE DUDE IN THE RED JACKET , hes the one who shouts  "over here landlord" or some shir and "this place has gone to hell" before the song properly starts. The WHOLE song he was such a delight to watch, hes so camp and did the gayest of walks and dances and whatever the fuck , ohmy god he was so funny . If anyone goes to see the show soon and jordans ensemble please watch our for him in master of the house, tall bloke in the hat and red jacket. You cant miss him hes camp as hell. Im obsessed with him deeply and i wish i couldve watched master of the house on repeat PURELY so i could see the bloke in the red jacket. (SHOW 2: he did a kind of silly gay walk in which he did the wallace (like from wallace and gromit) hands) Here are some doodles i did of him:

35) tom was on as thenardier BTW (ginger thenardier gang) i like the way he shakes his epaulettes on "content to be". I loved tom & bonnie's rapport as the thenardiers too, so good . Tomardier on top . They were dancing together and shit during the  chorus they were fun. Apparently thenardier put mme thenardier in a headlock at some point as well which is funny

36) bonnie did a little r roll on "regular voltaire". Not impoerant at all but i liked it. Also did a low note on "master and a half" which i also liked

37) kept the bit where mme thenardier says "where the fu" before realising valjean is there . And the bit where she sprays perfume up her skirt. Always a good gag (cause like i get it)

38) bonnie's pretending to be worriwd abt cosette was so good . Her comedy acting genuinely endearing and im hype

39) tom, like last time i saw him, goes really high pitched on "like our own, monsieur" which is SO funny god i love tomardier

40) on "treacherous people about" they kind of advance on valjean but then immediately cower away when he stands up to challenge them LMFAOAO

41) marius appears. Jac yarrow has a  GREAT voice , but Is he better than harry lake ? 🤫 maybe im just biased . Harrius sweep

42) jordan as claquesous (which is the only character of his that gets a name) is so funny . Hes swinging around his little corner of the set a lot . Swinging from the beams and shit. I do not  blame him id do the same

43) Ok first of all yaz eponine was AMAZING  her "ITS JAVERT!" is so chilling. Shes awesome godbless WHAT  a voice. Javert also keeping it curt and snappy and hissing "square"  in Another brawl in the square. Hilarious

44) i love the way tomardier tries to escape being held by the policemen on "HE'S ---! THE ONE YOU SHOULD  ARREST!" it always makes me laugh. Also voice crack on "chest" in Brand upon his chest. The way he and bonnie strut offstage after being freed is SO funny

45) OK TIME FOR THE STARS INFLECTION NOTES.  Sharp & curt on "there" which i dont usually hear. Soft on "fugitive". Pronounced "god" like  god-uh which was funny. Soft on "yield". Slight stolen time hold on "mine" ("is the way of the lord" as a result came out sharper). Soft on "scarce" rather than the usual hiss i hear. Dribbling a bit . Growled on "returns". VERY clear note on "bars". Sounded a bit like he struggled with "then" on Until then, but delivered as usual on the final Stars. Hoo boy go stew (2ND SHOW: only one i got was "exasperated "Always"" on  And is always the same. I cannot remember what i meant by this but usually my inflection notes are somewhat accurate so let ur imaginaton run wild)

46) for some reason i noted how gavroche had really long eyelashes. I have no idea if i was just seeing things or what but yeah

47) jac has really solid vibrato honestly . His voice is GREAT . I will refrain from comparing him to harry cause i think we all know how much i like him already . But i have things to say .

48) JORDAN UNNAMED STUDENT NO1 WITH THE GLASSES 😭😭😭😭😭😭 half moon glasses he ate that. Cafe scene started off with him arguing with enjolras which i thought funny. He seemed really prim and bitchy with i loooved, dont ask me what anyone else was doing for this scene cause my eyes did not leave him

49) grantaire shouting *YOU* talk of battles to be  won  while pointinf at enjolras made me giggle

50) jordan scoffing off to the side @ grantaire  as he starts playing catch with his bottle. Im obsessed with him. Maybe id be a les amis fan if he was there. Also he's the one who chimes in "OUR WORLD !🗣" so whatever

51) grantaire spinning around across the stage on "red" during marius' verse

52) jordan did NOT need to stand on that  chair at the red & black crescendo girl you are tall Enough

53) enjolras did a silly little "HA-HA!!" I think after "blaze in their eyes"

54) jordan helping move the big staircase setpiece during do you hear the people sing... hashtag stagehands represent BIG UP STAGE MANAGEMENT🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣💥

55) Lulu may not have my favourite voice ever but she is cute as  cosette i cannot  lie she does little toe bounces every now and then i like that .

56) milan had a little stray loose hair that fell over his face and i couldnt take my eyes off it

57) jac quite harsh on the "burst" in She has burst like the music which was fire. Spit yo shit marius

58) yaz has SUCH  powerful voice it was always so shocking everytime she sang GET HER ON PRINCIPAL NEEOOOWWW!!!!!!

59) marius did a little awkward ass wave to cosette after she comes out on the balcony to see her, like he just lifts his hand up a little, DIDNT EVEN SMILE? just ✋😦 looking slightly startled. So good. He also did a deep ass bow to her when she comes down which made me giggle

60) so jordan had like, a stick  as a weapon as claquesous in the attack on rue plumet and as he runs onstage he kinda fumbled with it. Whether this was intentional or not i dont know but regardless yes i laughed. (2ND SHOW: thenardier tries to get up onto the balcony twice, instead of the usual once. The first time, claquesous gets down on hands and knees like a stool. Thenardier steps on him and claquesous immediately collapses under the weight.)

61) i dont seem to remember this happening in other shows  does thenardier always hit eponine after "you'll scream alright"? Or am i insane. Because he did this show (2ND SHOW: marius blows a kiss through the fence to cosette before he runs off.)

62) YAZ DURING ONE DAY MORE BEUHHHH ohmy days.... so sosososoop good so strong... djavan also as usual strong, the way his voice always rips through the theatre is just amazing godbless (2ND SHOW: bonnie sticking her leg up in the air as she's carted off.)

63) JAVERT IN UNIFORM.......... WHERE THE FUCK IS BAKER BOY.......

ACT 2

64) Grantaire was kinda creeping up behind enjolras for whatever reason at some point. Was funny as hell

65) MILAN  LIKE PAUSES AND PULLS A FACE WHEN HES READING THE LETTER FROM MARIUS TO COSETTE BEFORE HE READS THE WORD "LOVE" WHICH REALLY MADE THE THEATRE GIGGLE 

66) Yaz was so delightfully gentle as Eponine i liked it . Made her powerful voice a lot more standout for me . As for on my own inflection: short on "silver" in Shines like silver. The string pickup as it builds up to the crescendo on "and i know its only in my mind" is always insane ohhumy gyat. Harsh on "the trees" in the trees are bare and everywhere. Harsh and almost spoken on the final "without me". The last crescendo was utterly gorgeous . Yaz eat yuor heart out❤

67) on jod theres usually fog for the barricade reveal. No fog this show. Disappointing..  i love fog

68) army general's bit .. as usual harsh on "you" which i like but i think he skipped a beat . Didmt note where but i remember there being a missed beat and it was a bit fast (2ND SHOW: this might have been for the 2nd attack but regardless, when theyre shouted to get down, jordan's student who was way downstage (audience) left he almost fell over when he went to kneel down . Very clumsy job there boss. Obsessed)

69) stew's baker boy matches jordan's now... last time i saw stew he was in brown. Hes in the green/red now ‼️⁉️

70) yaz's eponine seemed content to submit herseld and die in marius' arms which was so heartbreaking . The key up. Also voice break on "her name was" which made me want to punch a wall

71) gavroche hands marius eponines hat :-(((((

72) i think milan was struggling to get off the barricade he almost stumbled and had to be helped down ajdhdifhd

73) javert just kinda admitting defeat and slumping to his knees with a haunted look in his eyes ❤ getting his lapels grabbed until "youre free" will always fuck hard as well. Theway hes grabbing onto valjeans wrists though I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE (2ND SHOW: during drink with me milan and jordan were off to the side next to each other chatting away. Jvj starts to chug whatevers in his cup. Jordan goes to take the cup from him but jvj turns away so that he cant take it. Jvj alcoholism era. Additionally jvj puts his arm around jordan's character just before the final battle.... ouff... Here are some sketches i did of them:)

73) milan's vocal range is sooogood. His whole Bring Him Home just scrumptious. Plus the crescendo on the strings UGGHHHHHHH. It SOUNDED like he struggled a tad on that final "him" but Home came out GREAT ... godbless

74) final attack. I noticed jordan's student wedged away in the crevice to the (audience) left and everytime hed fire his gun hed turn away and scrunch his face up. Obsessed. I did NOT see where he died though. This tells me he did not actually die and hes alive and well❤

75) javert kissing the cross over gavroche 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 (i THINK valjean does this too earlier? Possibly he did this in the 2nd show)

76) tomardier holding the dead body's jaw and making it say "breath away from hell" in a stupid voice". He also did a silly posh voice on "thankyou sir im in your debt". "And god in his heaven" almost spoken i think. I alsofind it funny how he kicked over marius' body and stepped up on his arse

77) Javert seemed to almost miss & run past valjean ans marius LMFAAOOO i had a little giggle.

78) Jvj looking so sick of javert will never not be funny hes sooooo fucking done

79) I very much liked the slight distant stare like a moment of reflection before he sings "take him valjean!" adds a little to that bit i think. Yum. Thanks stewart

80) Soliloquy inflections.  "Who is this man/what sort of devil is he" GROWLED rather thsn the usual scream he does . Liked it i cant lie. He was quite shaky especially on "caught in a trap" which was LAAAVELY...... spat "back" in Gave me back my life . Harsh  on "mocked" which is always delightful to hear, a classic . Absolutely delectable tone shift  and becoming quite weak and almost croaky for "how can i now allow this man". He was even hoarse for "gave me freedom", and weak on "die as well". As per the Stewart Clarke Special there was a tremendous glob of spit escaping him on "sins"  in Shall his sins be forgiven . Absolutely delightful voice crack on "begin to doubt". Another glob of spit in "lost in shadow".  SUPER shaky "i am reaching". Yet another glob of spit on "stars are black". Low note on "escape now". And, as per, hit that shit (2ND SHOW: voice crack on "he" in "devil is he". Whimpered "gave me my life". Snarled "it was his right". Another glob of spit on "sins" like the first show. Whimpered "and must i now". Another glob of spit for "escape now".)

81) anyway , empty chairs time. Quite short on "on and on". Lovely and rich delivery of "never came" (thats a hard note to hit comfortably!).. again jac's vibrato was very notable to me !!!!! He delivered "phantom shadows" very upset like a half-sob. The following "empty chairs" very harsh. SHOUTED "don't ask me".

82) i liked his distant & haunted stare during every day ughhh mawius...

83) lulu as usual hitting those insane notes Go girl!!!

84) i really liked milan's acting during the confession - i personally preferred chris' performance but both absolutely stellar. His expressions were wonderfully desperate

85) i think someone (djavan?) almost missed their cue as ome of the servants during the wedding i saw them jogging onstage to help with the table LMFAOAOOO

86) if you didnt know already, bonnie langford does the splits when she curtsies when she appears. She also seems more interested in the drinks djavan servant has to offer than the plan to scam marius . She keeps trying to set thenardier right and then tiptoes off to take a swig of wine. Giggled

87) when marius tells them to go away thenardier turns around and says "for god's sake" LMFOAOAOAO

88) after thenadier is punched by marius (does his classic 270° spin) he falls over and gets stuck on his back, flailing around like a tortoise while mme thenardier cackles like a witch

89) they do the littlw pointy toe gay dance together hashtag true love (2ND SHOW: tomardier blowing a kiss at the lord.)

90) milan during the epilogue always heartbreaking he is wonderfully frail. Absolutely lovely  gentle low notes . He was almost sobbing on "on this page" which made me want to start killing. Sniffed before "its a story". Very shaky voice on "to my keeping". ... suicide tomorroeeeeee

BONUS) since i had nothing more to note down in the epilogue i drafted the next chapter of my fanfiction.

[444m777]

15 years ago today…

I was roughly three months fresh of turning 17 years old. I felt indifferent about that number and sort of wished I could stay 16 a little longer but I knew I was getting closer to being considered an “adult” and in that case it was exciting because I would be moving abroad and living on my own once I graduated from high school. There was nothing really special about that day. I was home alone after school. Took off my shoes and just did what any regular-degular teenager would do, watch TV.

Aside from plotting how I’d ever make it to London without ever traveling that far before I figured one could dream like I always did. Like I had to because I had the kind of parents who did not like the fact that I was (still am) a Michael Jackson fan. They saw it as an obsession and basically it got to a point where I was “banned” from mentioning his name, listening to his music even though I didn’t own any CDs at the time. The only thing I had growing up as a little girl was the Moonwalker VHS tape and I almost destroyed it because I watched it a billion times for years. My parents would always make sure we had a movie night and as soon as they asked for suggestions everyone would butt in before I could get a word out, “WE ARE NOT WATCHING MOONWALKER! Anything but that!”. As a little girl that shit tore me apart.

My parents introduced me to the world of magic that is MJ. They showed me Thriller. And I innocently referred to the female ghoulish monsters as my grandmother (oops…🤪) everyone burst out in laughter. It was cute I was maybe 3-4 years old at the time. But when I turned 5 I was allowed to watch the whole Moonwalker movie and my own mother told me she regrets getting it and showing it to me. I was maybe 9-10 years old when she said that to me out of anger. She read my diaries at the time and saw all the newspaper clippings I had of Michael because they just wouldn’t let me buy any merch/CDs. And in it I wrote how I felt about him and how I wanted to be with him at Neverland Ranch. Mind you this was also the time where it was super uncool to be an MJ fan. Like, you’d get DISOWNED from your friend group, family etc. it was THAT bad. Coming from a Black Caribbean background. I virtually had no one to talk to about Michael. Hence, the diaries.

I, in some way, related to how lonely he felt. In my innocent child’s mind I just felt really close to him and I felt he would understand me better than my own immediate family would. Anyways, I CLINGED to my Moonwalker VHS tape until I somehow broke it from watching it a trillion times too much😅. My world SHATTERED. It was the only MJ thing I had before I got the newspaper clippings because of the allegations. Whenever we went to a music store or an airport that had a music store I wasn’t allowed in the section that had Michael’s music. I’d get dragged away. It was ROUGH for little fangirl me😕 I don’t know how I survived it. And I’m not even trying to sound dramatic but I was a sensitive, PAINFULLY shy, introverted and moved to tears EASILY kinda girl. I had (and still have) very BIG feelings and I had no one to help me navigate them. Maybe I’ll make another post about my journey as an MJ fan on a super tiny island and how I “made it work” but really I want to focus on how as a teenager I found out he passed.

Flipping through channels I came across a news channel that claimed he died. I immediately took it as a hoax and switched to another news channel and they didn’t report anything. So I remember pausing the TV (we had DVR at the time) and went upstairs to shower. I kept telling myself this was all a sick joke. I came back downstairs and pressed play and forwarded to real time and they said he really did die. So I did the one thing I thought was smart and decided that if CNN didn’t report he died then he didn’t and everybody from the smaller news channels were in on some terrible lie to generate views because of his concerts coming up in London. But I finally switched to CNN and it was written so boldly on the screen I wasn’t even sitting but something told me to sit because my body felt weak and I plopped down on the couch. It took a while to register and then I was hysterical. Home alone yet living with people who banned me from talking about him and getting caught listening to his music or writing about him. I had a secret stash of MJ related things. I had a friend who took her mother’s Dangerous cassette tape and borrowed it to me to listen. My sister’s best friend’s dad had the History Album and she gave it to my sister to give it to me. That’s honestly the one thing my sister did for me that felt super profound. Because she was also told not to fuel my “obsession”. She didn’t care for MJ but she wasn’t mean about it either. But we both lived under our parents’ house and rules and as a Black girl with Black Caribbean parents… let’s just say you don’t question or go behind their back if you know what’s good for you. Once just ONCE my dad let me buy the Dangerous dvd. We were at the airport and he was hesitant. I remember it like it was yesterday… “you KNOW your mother doesn’t want you getting anything MJ related! I’m not letting you buy this”. But at the last minute he still let me get it and he said “it’s just the music videos I suppose this is fine…” oh, how it was not. That got taken away too. So you see I had to hide whatever anyone could spare. I was not even allowed to read the newspaper at one point because my mother found I would cut out pictures of him. THE NEWSPAPER Y’ALL!!! If I needed the newspaper for school work I’d get it with pages removed. Or my mom would pull out the pages I needed.

Back to being a total mess on the couch… my parents came home and I wiped my face and tears. I remember opening the door. I figured I’m older now. He passed away. It should be okay to at least say something about it. I remember opening the door and I could barely get the words out. I said “did you hear the news about Michael?” And she responded “yeah… jammer”. I come from a Caribbean island that’s been colonized by the Dutch so we use Dutch words in our creole language, Papiamento. But the way she said jammer (what a shame) was in such a nonchalant I-don’t-really-care way. Her tone was evident. I almost slammed the door shut in her face but I let her hold the door and I ran upstairs and was hysterical again.

I remember my father coming up to check on me but he stood in the door way. I was just curled up in bed crying and he left me there. Both of them left me there. I was a mess for DAYS. WEEKS. I became depressed. And again, I had no one to help me navigate these very BIG feelings. And it pained me. I didn’t have friends who were MJ fans. So I couldn’t talk to them. All I heard at school was “good riddance” or worse. As an adult I realized I just wanted someone to sit with me. Hold space for me. No one helped me through it during 2003 to the 2005 trials. No one helped me through it in 2009. I had to do it on my own and it SUCKED! You’re either met with “but you never met the man!” or “he was XYZ anyways so why does it matter, he’s dead!”. I was a CHILD! No one thought “damn… this is having a huge effect on our highly sensitive daughter and she’s clearly depressed. At the very least let’s hold space for her” NOPE! I learned very young to keep secrets. To never share myself like that with people in fear of being ridiculed. I hid myself, my passions and my thoughts. Despite growing up and excelling in anything that had to do with art (because I wanted to be like Mike lol). I kept it a secret. My grades showed it but anything else I kept it from my family. My friends kinda knew but they didn’t know what or WHO the driving force was. Where the inspiration came from. I always had to come up with some other story or muse. I wouldn’t dare mention Michael in fear my mother would appear out of nowhere and would “discipline me” for saying his name. He was my real life Voldemort and in my tiny kid brain I had to defend him in my mind because there was no way I could go up against anyone else let alone adults. My family but mostly my mother really did a number on me…

I’m writing this to say that what my family did and how the world negatively responded left a stain on my soul. Turned me from introvert and shy to soooo painfully shy I didn’t want to leave my room. Didn’t want to express myself in fear of being asked where the inspiration came from. Ironically as an adult my parents have been asking me why I’m not being creative and for a very long time I wish I could tell them it’s because they snuffed that part me, ever since I was a child, out! They couldn’t nurture that side of me and chose to see my devotion as blind obsession.

But this year and even more so today I had a huge breakdown earlier in the year and I realized I wanted to express myself and my thoughts more and speak freely about Mike. Mind you, I moved out at 18 and lived and studied in The Netherlands, Indonesia and Thailand. Still I kept that part of me which was and is a HUGE part of me, a secret. I brought it up once with a guy I had a date with and like I said, BIG feelings kinda gal, I broke down crying talking to him about Michael. And I apologized profusely and figured he’d never want to see me again. And yet he held me and comforted me. He did the one thing I craved the people who loved me should have done when I was a child. I swore on that day I’d marry that man. I did not… yet. We’re still together 7 years later and today too and every day since he has held space for me. Allowed me to be the fan I always wished I could’ve been even if it was in private with him. He lets me talk about anything MJ like he’s a fan himself (he is not but he has an immense amount of respect for Michael). And he’s always encouraged me to reach out to the MJ community but like I said the trauma, and again, not trying to be dramatic but to be told as a kid up until I left the house that I can’t talk, listen, watch nor dance to Michael was like being told I wasn’t allowed to eat, was DEEP and it made me associate expressing myself as a bad thing, a dirty thing. Because liking Michael was seen as gross. So I never engaged online for fear of my mother somehow finding me on the internet. Yeah… it was that bad😖

But it wasn’t all bad. And I’d like to share more about that in the future😌. I’m done feeling like my mother or anyone else for that matter has a say in how I feel and how I choose to express my love for Michael. That man pulled me through so many things throughout my life. I know this is a very heavy and sad day. It’s really tough for some to see the bright side. Because Michael being alive was the bright side. Even if he chose never to show his face again in public but to just know he was alive, safe and in good health probably would’ve been more than enough for fans to handle than knowing he’s truly gone. Unfortunately, that’s not the case and his life ended tragically.

I still choose to use this day as a reminder to myself of his tireless yet bright FIRE that he had and how he went against the grains of racism and ignorance, and striving to innovate, to push the envelope and go beyond. The sky was never the limit. I, too, want to use that energy and look past my upbringing and connect with other likeminded fans/people and truly engage the way I wish I would’ve years ago after leaving home. No more hiding. No more shaming myself and most certainly no more apologizing for speaking about Michael. I’m doing myself a disservice and I want to honor his memory by keeping on with the force! 🕺🏾

I love you so much Michael and I miss you like crazy and I’m so grateful for your presence and your passion for sharing your gift and life’s work with us. I feel you in the air and especially in the trees and in the animals. You solidified my belief in magic and wonder. I am so damn happy I am breaking free from these chains and really celebrating you OUT IN THE OPEN WHOLEHEARTEDLY. To the fans out there struggling I have you in my thoughts. And if you ever, EVER need someone to talk to because it’s difficult to talk to anyone else out there, you got me. I don’t ever want any of the fans to feel isolated and stuck. Especially the younger fans. You are the generation who will continue to keep Michael’s legacy going. Not only that you are the future in general and young kids/people need to be protected, loved and guided. Not the opposite and especially not made to feel like your feelings are invalid. Your mental health is so important even when you’re a fan of someone whom you’ve never met. And it is equally important to talk freely and openly in a safe space without being made to feel like you’re a criminal.

Anyways… if you read up until here, wow, thanks! Sending you all lots of love, hugs and heehees💫

[foxes-that-run]

So it goes

So it goes tells the story of the 2014 Victoria Secret After Party: ''All eyes were on Harry and Taylor when they turned up. [...] The drinks were flowing until 3am, when they snuck out of a rear exit five minutes apart to avoid being pictured together." In context of the 2015 timeline 1989 (I know places established they wanted their relationship to go private) and 1D’s Four (with Stockholm Syndrome) had just been released. They were photographed the after party:

This was a pivotal night:

this outfit from that VS Show is also at 3 mins in I don’t wanna live forever (and cardigan refers to this sequin smile) and

In Only Angel Harry says he doesn't have eyes for the VS angels “She's an angel, My-my-my only angel”

Harry wore the coat

So it goes has only been played live 8 times and not yet on the Eras tour. The last time it was played was in the last Rep show in Tokyo, (9:38) with 2 other rare songs for the Rep Tour: I Know Places and Wildest Dreams. Harry Styles was in Japan that month and wrote Little Freak before he left Tokyo.

Timeline

3 December 2014 - Harry and Taylor seen dancing till 3am at the VS After party, where they were described as having "all eyes on them."

6-23 January 2015 - Harry and Taylor break up somewhere between here. See 2015 timeline

14 February - Style music video released, Two Ghosts and If I could fly written.

24 February - Taylor meets Calvin Harris, if she already had lyrics about the muse 'doing a number' on her on the 3rd Calvin could not be the muse. Harry's Winding wheel post

3 March - So it goes was written soon after Oscar Gorres became a father on this date. At that point "Taylor already had the lyrics" Shellback had the melody. Screenshots of the Grammy article:

11 march - Calvin breaks up with his girlfriend.

Taylor met Joe 15 months later.

Fun fact: Taylor's only lyrics "so it goes" are in Haylor songs, the very first night, So it goes, Style and You are in Love.

Live performances

So it goes has only been played live 9 times, ever. For a fan favorite love song this should further confirm it is an emotional song to Taylor at the time. She's also played it at particular times and paired it with particular songs:

June 22, 2018, Wembley. Where Harry lives. First time played was 2 months into the tour. Taylor also had Niall Horan as a guest in an NYC shirt. The same night Harry was very emotional, he sung Still the One in Madison Square Garden. Taylor later had that suit in the Me! video. It’s unclear why this date was so special, though it was 1 year and 2 days after his step-dad passed.

July 10, 2018, Landover, with State of Grace

July 14, 2018, Philadelphia, with Treacherous. Close to State of Grace/Temper Trap arm/tattoo anniversary.

July 22, 2018, New Jersey. End of Live on Tour.

July 28, 2018, Foxborough, news of Harry's break up with Camille broke 2 days later.

August 4, 2018, Toronto, with Come Back... Be Here (1 of 2 live performances of CBBH). Harry left LA for Italy and was seen driving a Maserati (was it a dead end street?)

September 1, 2018, Minneapolis

November 21, 2018, Last reputation show, played with Wildest Dreams. Harry had been in Tokyo and wrote Little Freak in the same period.

November 20, 2023, Eras tour, with Me! wore and made the Stadium green.

Lyrics

[Verse 1] See you in the dark All eyes on you, my magician All eyes on us You make everyone disappear, and Cut me into pieces Gold cage, hostage to my feelings Back against the wall Trippin', trip-trippin' when you're gone

The first verse sets the scene, similar to the articles Harry and Taylor are the focus of many, drawn to each other and wanting to keep their connection secret.

In Hoax, Taylor has a similar lyric to magician "Your sleight of hand"

'Gold cage, hostage to my feelings' refers to being trapped by love. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, which was released only 2 weeks before the VS party, Taylor is trapped in a gold/gilded cage (a luxurious prison) by love.

[Pre-Chorus] 'Cause we break down a little But when you get me alone, it's so simple 'Cause, baby, I know what you know We can feel it [Chorus] And all the pieces fall right into place Getting caught up in a moment Lipstick on your face So it goes I'm yours to keep And I'm yours to lose You know I'm not a bad girl, but I Do bad things with you So it goes

So it goes is a lyric in Style. In the chorus Taylor lets us know that when they are away from others they have great chemistry. She also refers to lipstick, referred to in many 1989 songs. Taylor is described as a 'bad/good girl often, she talks about it in Miss Americana and also in:

Style: And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt

Question...?; Good girl, sad boy

Only Angel: That she's gonna be an angel, just you wait and see, When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets

[Verse 2] Met you in a bar All eyes on me, your illusionist All eyes on us I make all your gray days clear And wear you like a necklace I'm so chill, but you make me jealous But I got your heart Skippin', skip-skippin' when I'm gone

The afterparty was in Basement bar. The illusionist/magician references are enjoying knowing that she and her muse will leave together without others knowing. 'Make all grey days clear' tells us the muse is British.

[Bridge] You did a number on me But, honestly, baby, who's counting? I did a number on you But, honestly, baby, who's counting? You did a number on me But, honestly, baby, who's counting? Who's counting? (One, two, three)

The bridge tells us more about her relationship with her muse, they have a history, have hurt each other before and are wanting to move on. Though she says she is letting it go she is also keeping score. At this point the events of Red, 1989 and most of the one direction songs about TS had transpired between them.

In Grapejuice Harry starts the song with 1, 2, 3 and ends on 1 (I.e let’s start again) here Taylor also counts 1, 2, 3 after “you didn’t a number on me but honestly baby who’s counting”

[paula-in-dreamland]

Fanfic writer interview

Thank you @errruvande for the tag!! :))

My AO3

How many work do u have on AO3?

Officially 3 - 1 in-progress multichapter, 2 "one-shots" (cause I'll probs expand eventually)

What's your total AO3 word count?

~42k (estimate cause some the stuff being counted towards the word count are from nav pages in the fic)

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes

I mean if we included ff.net in this...that would be completely different. But we are not. So it's literally the three I've posted:

1. A Game of Revenge and Loyalty (HG AU, Sigtryggr x Stiorra centric) 2. Some News Isn't Meant To Be Shared (Canon Universe, canon divergence, Sigtryggr x Stiorra) 3. Vorres Lille Dukke (Vampire AU, Sigtryggr x Stiorra x Reader)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, or at least I try too! I think it's important to engage with your readers when possible to not only thank them but also because engaging with someone about you work is fun! I've been dying to talk to people about my fics so you better believe I am going to take the opportunity when it comes! It's why I post them in the first place!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Maybe Some News Isn't Meant to Be Shared ?? Cause it is fluff, but if you read between the lines and think about what transpires in S5 after that moment...yeah. Angsty/Whumpy as fuck. Other than that, I have yet to write something with a truly angsty ending. Unless you include one of abandoned WIPs on ff.net.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I have a bunch of WIPs with truly happy endings that I'll eventually write/post. Very romcom. Very sweet. As for current? LOL I guess Vorres Lille Dukke ...

Do you write crossovers?

A true crossover where characters from two different fandoms interact? No. But, I have done crossover AUs by putting TLK characters in those universes (a la my Hunger Games fic). And, I guess, you consider some of my fics crossovers in that I draw from Vikings and TLK when worldbuilding. Like Sigtryggr (and Stiorra but we ignore that in modern aus) is descended from Ragnar Lothbrok. So, I tend to draw from that show for depictions of those characters.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not on AO3. But, on ff.net over ten years ago. Broke me. I was 14, 15? Posted my first multi chapter fic. Within the prose, I had littered ANs throughout it rather than keeping it to the beginning and end. Why did I do that? Because I'd see a few other fics in the fandom do it so I figured it was the norm as I was a newbie to writing/fic writing. I think they also had a few other things to say. I end up eventually taking the fic down, and now I think it's fully gone as I don't have it on my laptop anywhere :/ But yeah. Be nice to fic writers. English could be their second/third/fourth language. They could be a preteen or a teenager. They could just be starting out.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

HA. HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yes. It's mostly M/F. Just recently M/F/F for the first time. As I work through my WIPs, also exploring kinks a bit more. So, more on the vanilla side.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope. Don't think so.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I think someone reached out to me on ff.net to translate one of my fics from ages ago? Have had people ask to print them out before! But not on AO3 (yet)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Okay I VAGUELY remember maybe doing it, or starting to do it 10+ years ago? But I also use to be an avid RPer on here, so uh...yeah we co-wrote a lot of fics that way ;)

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oh fuck you can't ask me that. *pulls open junk closet door and gets covered in characters/ships* *Proceeds to grab one at random, then sticks arm out from pile* UH!?!?! THIS ONE?! *holds up Rosalie and Emmett from Twilight*

No, but like in all seriousness: 1. Rosalie/Emmett 2. Stiorra/Sigtryggr 3. Padme/Anakin 4. Kim/Tommy 5. Caroline/Klaus & loads more.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

So, I am really hoping I get to all my WIPs for Sigtryggr/Stiorra because I love them and want to put them in all the scenarios. As for past fandoms/dormant fandoms, I don't think there are any that I want to finish, more so ones that I wish I had given more time too? And now it's too late cause I did not leave myself detailed enough plot notes to trigger my memory? Nor got that far in the first place?

What are your writing strengths?

I think I write some kickass dialogue. I also think I'm decent at writing scenery.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Introspection. is. so. hard. And being concise. And you know...allowing subtext to speak for itself instead of telling the reader directly.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it's awesome! But, it can make reading hard if you're not familiar with the language as you have to scroll down to find out what the hell they are saying if it's more than a few words. I also personally think you should stick to languages you actually know/have studied unless it's like a tiny little phrase/nickname. Or, ask someone who actually speaks the language. Because google translate is not reliable lol.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

None currently. But did consider writing a reader fic for Bleach at one point lmao.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

I don't have a favorite because the one that would probably be my fave isn't written yet ;) But, I tend to like all of my fics even the poorly written ones from when I was 14/15.

Tagging: @azriona @holy3cake @ladyaldhelm @whitedarkmoonflower @gemini-mama and anyone else who writes :)