#i wrote so many things to my future self in high school. i think because it felt like my future was SO UNKNOWN

[smallblueandloud]

sometimes it is. it's really nice to reread the things my younger self wrote? cause like, yeah, she was suffering just as much as i am. but at least i'm not fucking alone.

[redgoldsparks]

July reading and reviews by Maia Kobabe

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon. Reviews below the cut.

Practical Anarchism: A Guide For Daily Life by Shuli Branson 

I picked this up after listening to the author's excellent interview on Gender Reveal. I'd never read an explanation of anarchy before and found this one accessible, intersectional, and rich with references to follow up on. Branson's basic argument is for recognizing that the state exists only to perpetuate its own power, and aids citizens only incidentally and when doing so doesn't conflict with maintaining control. In light of this, citizens should seek to gain as much freedom in daily life as they can by supporting community and mutual aid, by refusing hustle culture and separating self-worth from productivity, by spending as much time as they can on things that bring pleasure, joy, peace, and stealing from corporate workplaces among other things. Many sections of this book I found myself simply agreeing with, while other chapters (especially the sections on Work and Art) really challenged a lot of my internalized beliefs. I'm very glad I read this and imagine I will return to it in the future, especially when I'm able to read more on this topic.

How I Attended An All-Guy’s Mixer vols 1-6 by Nana Aokawa (fan translated) 

College students Tokiwa, Asagi, and Hagi are invited to a mixer with some college girls, but when they arrive they are greeted by three handsome boys at their reserved table. It turns out the girls they planned to meet at all work at a cross-dressing bar! Suo is a devastatingly charming and confident prince; Kohaku has a prickly exterior but a soft, shy interior; and Fuji draws smutty fan comics in her free time and is constantly on the lookout for new models. This goofy premise turns into a very sweet and funny slice of life comic as three couples with very different dynamics begin to develop. Sadly, I cannot find these books available in English so I am reading them at a sketchy online site, lol. I hope they get translated at some point because I've been completely sucked in and read four volumes in like 24 hours :3

Barda by Ngozi Ukazu

Barda is the captain of a soldier unit from a torture/hell world called Apokolips. Her backstory includes being kidnapped as a child and tortured into serving as the perfect weapon in a very black and white interplanetary war. Her torturer is an old woman named Granny Goodness. They work for a classic evil emperor named Darkseid, who has the son of his major enemy locked in his dungeons. At the beginning of the book, Barda is told to investigate how this guy, named Scott Free, keeps managing to almost escape. This is challenging material to make something out of. It feels so ridiculous, so campy, so over the top, I had a hard time taking the premise seriously- especially as this torture world has to obey PG-13 movie rules about not showing any blood or actual human mutilation. All that being said, I think Ukazu wrote about the best modern take as you possible could with these characters. The writing is quippy, smart, empathetic; I enjoyed the page layouts, color palette choices, and the emotional arc she takes Big Barda on through the book, even though I wanted it to go a little farther at the end.

We Deserve Monuments by Jas Hammonds

Avery is a queer biracial teen, uprooted from her DC home just before senior year of high school by a family emergency which relocates her and her parents to Bardell, Georgia. Avery's grandmother, Mama Letty, has cancer and the prognosis isn't good. Avery is also fresh from a breakup with her first ever girlfriend. Her early years of high school were ruined by Covid, and she doesn't want to waste her last year as well in a back-woods town. But despite herself, Avery is drawn towards the people of Bardell and the ways she learns their histories tangle with her own. There's Carol, the woman next door, who was Avery's mom's best friend in high school but who know barely speaks to her. There's Carol's daughter, Simone, whose colorful locs catch Avery's eyes immediately. There's Jade, Simone's best friend at school whose family is linked to more than one tragedy in the town's history. And there's Mama Letty herself, who Avery wants to get to know, but time is running out. I read this book in just under a week while on vacation and really enjoyed it! It felt refreshingly grounded and real after some of the YA I've tried and DNFed recently.

Yotsuba vol 10 by Kiyohiko Azuma

Utterly charmed by the entire chapter that's just Yotsuba learning how to cook pancakes. What a good reminder that fine motor control is a learned skill! I also liked how Yotsuba's dad handled a lie about some broken dishes. This is such a great series.

Sunhead by Alex Assan 

In Tel Aviv, teenage Rotem spends her free time hanging out with friends and obsessively re-reading her favorite book, Sunrise, a vampire romance. She doesn't know anyone else into the series and has to wait for the next book to come out in Hebrew. But she does meet another reader, Ayala, who sits out of gym class every single week, sometimes with a Jane Austin novel. Rotem lends Ayala the vampire book and suddenly she has a fandom friend. This book very delicately, and at times wordlessly, explores the way a fictional story can act as a lens for teen questioning of gender and sexuality. The book feels almost memoir like with its groundedness in very real teen emotions and relative lack of external conflict. It's a simple story but beautifully illustrated and relatable.

Witch Hat Atelier vol 12 by Kamome Shirahama

This is an action packed volume that sticks more closely to Coco, which is what I want out of the series. I'm still frustrated by the overload of new characters who I'm struggling to keep tract of. But the art is so stunning I'll probably keep reading.

Otonari Complex vol 1 by Saku Nonomura (fan translated)

Akira is a tall tomboy who befriended a shorter, prettier boy named Makoto in elementary school. In college, they are still inseparable, and many people mistake them for a straight couple- though usually they think Akira is the boy and Makoto the girl. Makoto only adds to this confusion by frequently cross-dressing. I enjoyed the friendship and gender mix-ups, but I don't love how every single secondary character either wants to date one of the two leads, or whats to separate the two leads because their close friendship might prevent them from dating in the future. Get out of their business, randos! They are clearly on a very slow friends to lovers arc, leave them alone to figure out their shit.

Lavender House by Lev AC Rosen read by Vikras Adam 

At the start of this book, in 1959, Andy Mills is at rock bottom. The former San Francisco cop was fired after being discovered in flagrante with another man at a gay bar. He is seriously considering suicide because he can't see any other options. Then a well dressed older woman, Pearl, sweeps into his life and asks him to solve a weeks old murder that occurred on her private Marin estate. Pearl is a lesbian and widow; her wife was the owner of a well known floral soap company and she died under mysterious circumstances. Pearl was unable to call in the police at the time because nearly everyone who lives on the soap flower farm estate is queer. A small group of biological and found family has made a safe, gated community for themselves- safe, that is, until one woman fell to her death from a second floor balcony. Andy isn't too hopeful about solving a case with little to no evidence, but he gives it a try, and he is blown away by seeing multiple queer couples living opening together in the same household. This was a solid story, though it didn't have that magic spark that sometimes captures me in murder mysteries. I was all ready to say I probably wouldn't continue the series, and then a 15 minute sample of the second book played after the end of the first in the audiobook. The second one already sounds MUCH more fascinating than the first, in part because Andy starts the sequel in touch with an intriguing queer community and setting up a new PI business. So I might try the next book after all!

Mabel McKay: Weaving the Dream by Greg Sarris 

A wonderful, lively memoir of Pomo basket weaver and medicine woman Mabel McKay, as written by Greg Sarris, who knew her for most of his life until she passed in the early 1990s. Sarris is currently the chairman of the Federated Indians of Graton Rancheria based in Sonoma County which serves the local Pomo and Miwok populations. Sarris is very much also a character in this story, which lays out many conversations had on long car rides up and down the California coast, while Sarris drove McKay to give talks at universities and museums or to visit her relatives. The story is non chronological but still immersive, telling of McKay's childhood, her early years doctoring and making baskets, and her life-changing friendship with Essie Parrish, another basket weaver and important figure in Sonoma county. I'd highly recommend this book, especially to anyone interested in West Coast history, and very especially if you grew up in California.

[kimmiessimmies]

📩 Simblr question of the day: Choose as many sims/ocs as you'd like for this question, What's something INCREDIBLY obscure and/or out-of-pocket about your sim/oc? Something that nobody (fellow sims and/or your followers and mutuals) knows 👀 (This could be things about their social skills, physicality and/or birth defects, or it could be something they vaguely remember, a dream they had that actually predicted the future, etc etc... whatever you come up with)

( p.p.s freely share this SQOTD around, anon or not, and use the # SQOTD ~ 💛 )

Thank you, Anon (who I sneakily suspect to be @eljeebee forwarding the SQOTD Anon 😉) and @nocturnalazure for the same ask (on the same day 😊). ❤️

Here's a list of very random facts about my student bunch and two bonus characters. Some things may be known to some already, but I think most can be considered obscure. It is, of course, an essay. Because I'm simply never a woman of few words, especially when it comes to blabbing about my characters. 😊

James wrote his first original song at age 8. It was titled "Parent-Free World", and sometimes he still hums it absentmindedly. He bites his nails when he's nervous and the only place he "self-services" is in the shower because that's the least messy.

Sarah has been considering breast reduction surgery because she has back pain often. She and James developed "twin language" as toddlers and still remember and use some words.

Daniel secretly hoped he would have siblings, but it wasn't on the cards. This made him closer to James and Sarah, though. He's on the verge of failing university. Not because he's not smart enough but because the lectures bore him. His learning style is more visual and kinesthetic, and the University caters more towards auditory learners.

Jill sometimes remembers smidges of a past she can't really place and is convinced these are memories from a previous life. She knows all the songs from High School Musical by heart, but she doesn't tell a soul about this because she's embarrassed.

Seth is extremely intelligent and is a member of Mensa. He doesn't want to be cocky, so he hardly mentions it. He avidly plays D&D online, and his character, a sorcerer, is named Zeno Morningsteam.

Sadie is a wonderful singer and has a great musical ear, but it bothers her that she doesn't know how to play an instrument. She has a tiny birthmark somewhere on her body shaped like a heart (when seen up close). Her parents' marriage is going through stormy weather, but they hide this from their children (for now).

Rachel does yoga every day. She secretly liked it when Sadie spent every night with James because, as much as she loves Sadie, sharing her personal space with someone every night is very demanding for her. She's written seven chapters to a fantasy story, but this is a well-kept secret. If she tells someone about it, they may want to read it! 😱

Finn has a nut allergy. This was discovered when he was three years old and had to be rushed to hospital after sneaking a taste of Nutella. After his hospitalisation, "know what you eat" became a huge topic in the Richardson household, and this is actually what inspired Jill to want to become a chef. Since lots of food contains traces of nuts, Finn is very careful what he eats and always checks the packaging.

***Bonus characters (since they're fresh on everyone's mind)***

Joshua actually hasn't sworn off religion like his sister Martha has. He still has faith but is finding his own way. His crush on Joel is slowly fading, but he's happy about this. He hopes to find love soon but knows this is difficult in a small town. He ordered a free information booklet from The Rainbow Alliance entitled "Boys." which very openly and very detailed (in drawings) explains anything and everything boys who like boys need to know. It left him extremely flustered, but it's also his favourite thing to read now. 🤫

Morgan named Jonah after the love of her life, Jonas, who died in a car crash many years ago. Morgan has a subscription to OMGYES. Aside from writing, she has another creative passion: playing the violin. She's very good at it too. She's not looking for a relationship right now, life is too busy as it is.

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

ICYMI: There are so many Japanese qls airing weekly, so I’m going to start posting this little round up at the end of each week. All but one of these are on Gaga and I highly recommend watching!

Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna 2

This beautiful show ended last week and I have been deep in my feelings about it. I already wrote a little love letter to the show, and I wanted to share a few others people wrote this week so you can see why it means so much to us. A tiny meta round up:

Final stray thoughts by @bengiyo

Goodbye and thanks for all the love by @littleragondin

Tsukutabe is truly something by @fangirlyness

TsukuTabe S2 is Perfection by @twig-tea

Love is Better the Second Time Around

Oh I like this one very much. These six episode dramas with simple and well-executed narratives seem to be a particular sweet spot for Japan, and it looks like this one is next in line to continue that trend. A very mature feeling story about two high school sweethearts who meet again as adults and reconnect. Iwanaga is a new fav. I love his confidence, I am concerned about Miyata's apparent self-denial and closeted status, I love the natural magnetism between them, I am intrigued by the complication of both of them having a past and other lovers, and I am very excited to see where this story goes.

My Strawberry Film

This show seems to be a continuation of Drama Shower shows that are not actually bl. Because right now, this feels like Ryo's coming of age story where he survives his first experience of falling for his het friend, not a romance between him and Hikaru. Hikaru clearly loves him, but very much not like that, and we are mostly watching Chika be sad watching Ryo be sad watching Hikaru pursue a girl. The way this is set up doesn’t make me root for Ryo and Hikaru to get together, but rather for Ryo and Chika to become besties and for Ryo to move on from this het boy who won’t ever like him like that.

Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yara ka

Sigh. Remember when his show started and we were excited to have a romance between mature adults? Well, the mature adults have left the building, and all we get instead is these two flailing around spending all their time stressing about the future and failing to enjoy the present, communicating very poorly, and giving up at the first sign of a problem without an easy solution. At this point I don't even want them to get back together, because I have seen no evidence they are good for each other. Sakae seems nervous all the time in this relationship, Soga is so preoccupied with trying to please Sakae that he's not thinking about what he really wants, and neither of them are treating the other like a true partner or trying to work through things together. I'm sure they will get back together in the finale, but they’ve already lost me.

[donnerpartyofone]

Even though it pains me that my expensive new phone's camera refuses to focus on an entire close-up image, even a flat one, and I am assured by many forums and reddits and the like that I'm doing it right and this camera just sucks, I will still share one of the great, sadly uncredited illos from my little old copy of Ray Bradbury's The Golden Apples of the Sun (great title stolen from a Yeats poem).

I've never read any Bradbury before, except for Fahrenheit 451 in high school which I compared so unfavorably with 1984 that I maybe didn't give it a fair try. Anyway, some of these short stories are good--or parts of them are, individually. I find him overly flowery at times, like he'll start out with a really strong description that catches my interest, but then he ruins it by continuing to add adjectives and similes just to be novel, and it's like buddy you nailed it a minute ago, what are you doing to yourself? And a lot of it is excessively sentimental in this kind of condescending way. For me the perfect example of his affect (so far) is a story where about 90% of it is just this beautiful description of a guy walking around in the suburbs on a November night, it's just captivating and the pleasure the character takes in this activity is so vividly conveyed--but then at the last minute it turns into this thing about how he's being thrown in a mental institution because he likes to go outside and read books instead of watching TV all the time, and it's just so smug and obnoxious.

There's a certain trend in science fiction, maybe it's partially his fault but it seems like a natural temptation, to congratulate the present, or even the recent past, for being so wholesome and righteous. Which is like, dystopia is a trope that I enjoy for sure, but there's a difference between saying "Humanity could be headed in a bad direction due to certain vices and imbalances," and saying "Humanity should leave everything exactly the way it is right now (or the way it was in my romanticized memories of my own childhood) because it's already perfect." It's very easy to become hyper-conservative and self-satisfied about your personal good old days. I wish I had a bunch of examples at the ready, I'm sure you can think of some or you'll notice it next time you see one, but very often the hinge issue is books. Like even as a reader and also a writer, I feel a little insulted by stories where ultimate virtue is exemplified by a character's love of reading, or villains are clearly identified because they hate books for whatever reason. OK, we get it, you're better than everybody else because you write! Good thing we're in the club too, how else could we be reading a book right now if we weren't inherently superior to the rest of the universe?

Anyway, the story this illo is from got me thinking about the notion of prescience in fiction. Like once in a while you get truly weird visions of the future (I just wrote this thing about futuristic frissons in each of the Cronenberg kids' first films), but I suspect that sometimes what seems to be a prophecy of the future is really just an acknowledgment of something inevitable. "The Murderer" takes place in a future where there is absolutely constant stimulation being broadcast from every quarter; all of life is one big billboard, there's no relief from being in constant electronic contact with everyone you know, and there's entertainment blasting out of everywhere in a continuous onslaught of overstimulation. The title character starts "murdering" all the devices, and all the stuff in his smart home, until he gets institutionalized. And on the most obvious level it's just Bradbury congratulating himself for being such a balanced and thoughtful person, again, but it's also like well, all that stuff was really coming. And did Bradbury really need to be (as they called him) the Greatest Living Science Fiction Writer in order to see it coming? Or was it just obvious, from ordinary trends in human behavior, that life would inevitably tend toward this state of constant connectivity and constant stimulation, with an eventual eradication of peace and privacy?

I used to like to listen to Damien Echols talk about all his occult learnings from his monastic existence in prison, and something he would say (he probably got this from somewhere else and I missed it) is that a prophet is not someone who predicts the future; a prophet is a person who understands the past. This made a lot of sense to me, that if you're sharp enough to see what generally happens, it's easy enough to see where things are headed. I think this is probably true of a lot of fiction we'd call prescient-- that if you look closely, it becomes clear that what it describes is sadly obvious.

[mapoeggplant]

skip to loafer chapter 46 // spoilers 

hello! this thread was previous posted on my twitter, but i felt like sharing it here :) hope you all enjoy!

_

“isn’t the world more grotesque than this”, shima wonders as he remembers everyone who once treated him like an object, like someone without emotions. by his side, a girl who sees him for who he is, doesn’t matter what.

this is the chapter i was waiting for, the chapter that reminds me why i wrote all those thousands of threads. we finally have a confirmation of shima’s feelings about HIMSELF, about how he sees himself, how he was aways used as a tool and how he acted all his life.

he doesn’t think he has any worth, he doesn’t understand his own feelings. he’s a manipulation, an object of everything everyone always wanted from him. and now, at the peak of high school, he’s finally being seen, he’s finally having peace. and why’s that?

it’s because he finally found friends who care for him for who he is, who love him for what he is below the surface as he’s slowly discovering that. i know the question “so why did he asked mitsumi out if he wasn’t aware of his feelings?” will surface and i tell you: because that was the only way he could always express and deal with the feeling of love. if he’s feeling loved, he starts to act like his old self, like the “status symbol” he is. NO ONE ever looked at him and said he was enough the way he is, but they all used him.

no, he isn’t playing mitsumi or using her. he’s acting the way he was teach, the way he grew to understand. but, as nothing will ever go the way he thinks, he finally face someone who’s not there for his face, for his popularity or who expects him to do things she wants.

she’s there for him, she’s there for who he IS, for his CORE. she’s the one who will show him he can be loved, he can have a happy life, he can think about HIMSELF.

and mitsumi? mitsumi is living for what she believes, mitsumi is seeking her future. she doesn’t need to be in a relationship that isn’t going to bring her happiness, a relationship that will only worry her. she’s not there to CHANGE him, she’s there to think about HERSELF.

the impact mitsumi have in shima is not about what she’ll do to change him, but the way she seeks for her true self above everything. as i said million times before, shima is facing someone who’s completely different than him, he’s faced someone who thinks about themselves.

this chapter is here to prove how a bond and a special relationship doesn’t need a bigger status to be huge. they already have something huge; they already have themselves. the world isn’t cruel anymore because they have themselves to hold each other’s hand.

<3

after thoughts:

i know that the possibility of shima and mitsumi ending up together in the end is very very high and, don’t get me wrong, i love them as a ship. but what makes me so connected and so emotional with skip to loafer is how their relationship is constructed and how their friendship is *never*, at any moment, diminished or seen as “waste of time fir the plot”.

their relationship being the way it is is the whole reason why the story embraces so many people and so many enthusiastic: it’s real, it’s respectful and it’s what a healthy relationship between two teenagers should be.

they are not pressing each other for anything or waiting for the other to act like they want them to act. both of them are respecting each other’s time and growth. this, the need to be friends again and not in a romantic relationship, is the biggest prove. mitsumi sees shima and his needs, shima sees mitsumi and her needs. there’s respect, above anything. no romantic relationship existis without partnership and understanding and that’s what they are building together.

[emililyqueer]

so... this is just kind of a personal emotional dump. i don't want to bring anyone down, you can ignore this if you just want to do the sexy stuff.

but it is an insight into me, so ya know. here it is. it turned out a lot longer than i wanted... to be honest it's sort of turned into my life story. um. sorry.

i spent so much of my life being ashamed and confused and depressed. i suppose, the thing is... i'm tired of watching other people live the life that i wanted to live.

i was brought up in a very conservative small town, in the middle of fkin nowhere. the place was extremely homogenous. no (visibly) gay or trans people, almost no people of colour. i had a single, disabled mother. my dad was very mentally ill, and he was abusive and violent with it, and even though he left when i was in single digits, he's left some very deep scars on me. i went to school under the time of the Section 28 law - which is to say, LGBT issues were banned in school, and bullying gay and trans kids was absolutely allowed to happen, or else the teachers could be seen as "taking a side" on a "controversial issue". this happened to me multiple times. i hated school. even though i started off in life with a passion of learning, going there broke my enthusiasm for literally decades.

i was queer, and i was in denial. i... sort of understood, i think?? but i realised very young that i couldn't rely on anyone, not my parents, not my teachers, not my peers. i grew up obsessed with the idea of self-reliance and some fucked up idea of personal strength. even after a university friend of mine came out, and i realised i might be trans, i still clung to these ideas, to masculinity and self-isolation. they had kept me "safe" and i felt i needed them. i abused drink and drugs because i felt empty and just wanted to fucking feel something, at least something other than anxiety and despair. it felt like parts of me were missing. most of the time, i felt either nothing, or fear, or stress, unless i was high.

i had health problems, i didn't have any energy or concentration (i later learned that i had ADD), i was depressed, and i had chronic migraines. i went to university to study a BSc in computer science, and i couldn't complete it due to these health problems.

and yeah, the health problems and depression became disabling... because of that i was constantly broke. this country, the tory party especially (but not only the tories), hates disabled people with a passion. i was into political activism at the time and the number of deaths of sick and disabled people coming out of the initial austerity era actually kind of broke my faith in society, i couldn't believe this was being allowed to happen.

as an aside - that was a choice. austerity was a choice, and it came with a body count in the tens of thousands (according to the British Medical Journal) before they just stopped fucking counting. this is a thing that actually happened in one of the richest countries on earth, and it happened as the richest people in that country only got richer and richer, and then we just... forgot, because disabled people don't fucking matter, do we? i'm sorry to get political in the middle of my own miserable ramble but these bastards need to burn in hell for what they did. fuck the tories

anyway.

because i abused my body, and i couldn't afford decent healthcare, or transition related stuff, i actually wrote off my appearance. i decided i would never be able to look good or feel good about myself. there was a brief time when i first got on HRT where i felt great about the future, but once i realised how badly i'd already hurt myself... i just gave up. for a lot of my life i was convinced that i wouldn't be here in the next few months or years, so why build a future?

my desires and sense of identity were just completely buried under a mountain of shame, self loathing, lack of direction, and substance abuse. i lost so, so many years.

so... how are things today? my living situation is crap. it's secure, but miserable. one tiny room, with mold in it which is aggravating my allergies. my financial situation is still bad, but it's not critical - i am struggling to afford some medications, but generally i'm afloat. i am, so far, just about able to maintain a small old car, which i rely on, because i live in the sticks and there's fck all public transport here. mentally, i still struggle, but it's so so much better than it was, and it is getting better. my physical health is... concerning me; i have a lot less energy than i'd like, and i'm in almost always in pain. in terms of drugs, i am mostly clean. i don't really drink, i don't smoke (neither tobacco nor anything else), but i do use prescription painkillers.

one of the bigger things is my gender and sexuality... confusing as hell, i'm in a superposition between trans woman and like... femboy, or sissy feminine man. i don't really understand it, parts of all these things appeal strongly to me on a deep, honest, fundamental level. i'm really not sure how to interpret this.

and, well, when i look at some certain sex workers and models... i feel equal parts inspired, and like i want to cry. i keep seeing people who lived the life i always wanted, and i see how fucking happy and successful they are, and i feel so many things all at once.

but... i am still here. i do still have time left. and i do know a few things about me for sure:

i am a reasonably intelligent person. i'm good with computers, electronics, and cars. i like music, travelling, and um i think i like cooking??? and of course video games. i mean duh, i'm a queer on the internet! :p

i'm determined, i don't want to lie down and die any more, i want things to get better for me, i want a future.

but i think... above all? it's the things i was ashamed of that i love the most. i love kink, i love femininity, i love showing off, i desire outrageous sexual experiences, and looking hot and changing the person i see in the mirror. i want to do porn, to revel in eroticism and queerness, and i want to take these things seriously.

so, that's what i'm going to do. that's why i'm posting this here alongside the fun kinky stuff. it's important, this is me.

[laneaconite]

To my Lovely Onlookers: an Introduction!

For higher resolution images, look here

Hello, my name is Lane! I've been known to call myself a jack of all trades, but my heart's been set on authorship since the tender age of two.

Now, while my lifespan development textbooks like to call that premature identity foreclosure, I call it a dream. I'm creating this blog to archive my past and future works. What can initially be expected is a lot of poetry as well as some short prose pieces. The goal has always been to eventually work up to brick-length novels, but lately all I've got is poems pouring out of my ears. I'm composing them in my sleep. A lot of what I've written so far is about chronic pain, sapphism, transitional experiences, childhood, and trauma. Not every poem or prose piece is meant to be taken as a literal reflection of something that happened to me, but a lot of what I've written over the last few years have been in order to process my experiences. I find that I communicate best in rhetorical devices than in ordinary speech. This is extra funny (an inside joke to myself) because I spent the first fourteen years of my life as a self-declared poetry hater, despite my life long declaration of wanting to write. There were several things that caused me to reevaluate this stance, the primary three being: 1) If I didn't graduate high school I was never getting out of that horribly isolated, middle of nowhere town. 2) Writing was the only thing I knew I could be passionate about both in a personally fulfilling way, but also in a work way. Now, the only way I could successfully do that would be by forcing myself to engage with the entire other half of it I'd convinced myself I hated out of inadequate education. 3) Reading Maya Angelou's book, Poems (1981). We were given a large analysis project of one poet's whole collected works (or the closest edition we could find) and I chose Angelou because I remembered an excerpt from I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (1969) being read aloud to my 7th grade class. It was her rhythm, rhetorical depth, and her humor that reformed my entire approach to the genre. I can't thank her enough.

"So," one might be asking, "Where does The Peach With Teeth fit into this, though?" And ohohohoh! The Peach With Teeth is several things. Primarily, I spent five months painstakingly embroidering it to be the cover of a hand-bound poetry chapbook. At this point, however, I'm thinking more of a compendium for the amount of poems I have, and for how many I'll write before I learn how to book bind. So, in that meantime the Peach is the cover of this blog.

The Peach is also a poem that I wrote in September of 2022, which is included below. That peach was deprived of teeth, tongue, and uvula, but had a more grounded horror within.

The Peach

I rinse the fuzz off, gently In the sink. The skin is a sunset of yellow, Magenta, pink. The first bite is honey sweet, The flesh slippery, My teeth peel away the skin I eat.

A bitter taste begins in my periphery And I see brown spreading around, Like a core. The tender sweet flesh peels away From its darkened sore.

Disgust rises in my body but I persist I eat the dripping good parts, I eat until the bad parts come too And they come veined with blue The pit itself, peeled back Is dusted with mold.

The poem is both a literal thing that happened—I did eat a moldy peach even though I saw an off patch on its skin and I could have stopped—also a metaphor. It's about seeing the signs that this won't end well, but needing another bite of sweetness to satiate that ache. It's about overconfidence and ignoring one's instincts. After a long while of hunger, the bitterness gets easier to ignore. That Peach and the Peach With Teeth, and many other Peaches can be expected to appear in my work. It's not my fault, I swear: my family had a peach tree in the backyard growing up. And if you, my darling reader, haven't tasted a sun-warmed peach right off the branch in late summer: I'm so sorry. The ones in the grocery store just don't compare when they're picked early to be shipped across country and thusly chemically ripened. They never get so thoroughly sweet through injected ethylene as by sunlight. It's only the skin that turns pink and softens, with the inside remaining hard, crisp, off-yellow. That these peaches are the only kind I can eat now, meaning I don't eat peaches, are part of what informed the teeth. Finally, the Peach With Teeth and her cousin The Peach poem have to be acknowledged for their sensual, even sexual, elements. 7/10 friends who I have shown The Peach With Teeth to have said "that looks like a vulva." Now, this was utterly unintentional, but when all your pretty queer friends say it enough times, you start to give up examine the metaphor closer. It's been said often that peaches and this girl right here 🍑 are used as euphemisms for the vulva/vagina. Now, when people are reduced to just their genitals, that's objectification. Not to say that the euphemism always is, as I can imagine some sappy sapphic love note tucked to sleep on a shelf somewhere. When I designed my embroidery pattern, I chose teeth for a core because of the utter contrast between the soft sweet flesh and the hard bone-bite of a chipped tooth. I was imagining it biting back and drawing blood. This is where my accident, the final image reading far more sensually than originally planned, synthesizes the ideas that have been rolling around in my head this whole time. It's about visceral misperception, of leaning to close to the lantern's gentle glow only for the grinning monster holding it to bite your head clean off. It becomes a euphemism flipped on its head: no more soft, sweet, hairless, harmless peaches. What we've got are teeth and tongues, a jaw unhinged but ready to snap right down at any time. Now, of course, to many of my 7/10 friends, this is still sexy.

[beatrice-otter]

Fic: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

fandom5k authors have revealed! So I can reveal what I wrote. First of all, thank you to my recip violet_pencil for having some great prompts, that was lovely. It's such a help to get an idea that inspires me, but which I also know my recip will also like. The relationship and pairing sent me in a direction I'd never considered before, and also I think in the process I figured out a bit more of why the Prophets are the way they are and why Sisko is important to them.

Title: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Author: Beatrice_otter Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Characters: James T. Kirk, Benjamin Sisko Written For: violet_pencil in Fandom 5k 2024 Rating: Gen Length: 5,787 words Betaed by: Greenygal

On AO3. On Squidgeworld. On Ad Astra. On Dreamwidth. Rebloggable on Pillowfort.

Benjamin Sisko was watching the heat death of the universe. Benjamin Sisko was helping the Bantaca Spire be erected in B'Hala. Benjamin Sisko was trying to comfort Kasidy over his entering the Celestial Temple, and failing because he could not collect enough of himself in one time and one place to give her the attention and care she needed. Benjamin Sisko was watching Cardassian soldiers use tractor beams and force-fields to remove the Orb of Harmony from the ruins of the monastery at Choddosh. Benjamin Sisko was in the Celestial Temple, teaching the Prophets about linearity for the first time using baseball as a metaphor. Benjamin Sisko was watching Kai Kira direct the Vedek Assembly to begin considering her successor, because she was going to retire to the monastery of Basyo Ume in nine weeks. Benjamin Sisko was watching the star that would one day be named B'hava'el coalesce and begin to burn.

Benjamin Sisko was no longer corporeal, but he had a headache anyway.

"The Sisko is overwhelmed."

Ben turned to face the Prophet who had once possessed his biological mother. "Yes," he said.

"Why?" she asked. "The Sisko is no longer linear."

"But I am," he said. "Not as linear as I once was, but … if I had left it behind completely, you would not be wearing that face, or speaking."

The Prophets had no language; they didn't need it. Individuality, like linearity, was something the Prophets didn't quite understand. They needed language no more than the different spores of a fungus needed it. What one knew, or thought, the others could sense as part of themselves.

"The Sisko has many tasks to perform," the Prophet said. She studied him. "The Sisko is doing them well. Yet the Sisko is overwhelmed."

Ben thought it through. "I am doing them well—because you see them as I am doing them, in the future, from my perspective."

"Yes," she said.

"You're asking … how is it that you know I am capable of doing things and learning your way of seeing the universe, but am also having problems."

"Yes."

"That's not how it works for linear beings," Benjamin said. "We develop and grow over time. We learn things. We start out, as infants, knowing nothing and capable of nothing. As we grow, we gain skills and knowledge by trying, by failing, by doing things many times until we have mastered a skill."

Ben brought them to the park where his father was teaching him how to throw a baseball. Five-year-old Benjamin had thrown other things, of course, but nothing with the same size and mass and heft. Most of his throws went wild, and Joseph patiently practiced with him, giving him tips, encouraging him.

Ben and the Prophet watched the child he had been over months and years, learning to throw the ball, learning to hit a ball off a tee, learning to hit a ball thrown at him.

"These tasks are more difficult for you because your body is not fully developed," the Prophet observed.

"True," Ben said, and moved them to the Academy gym where he had learned hand-to-hand combat. "But when I learned to fight, I was at the peak of my physical prowess. Adult but young, strong, dedicated—I'd done running and weightlifting and other sports in high school. And still," he nodded at his younger self, "you see how I struggled. How much time and effort and practice it took me to learn how to do it. Academically, it was the same. I learned a great deal in my time at the Academy—because I studied. Because I practiced using the knowledge."

They watched him in flight simulators, in classrooms, and finally in holodeck models of various ships learning to fix everything from hull breaches to fluctuations in the warp core. "When I started with the practical engineering scenarios, I knew the books backwards and forwards, because I'd spent months—years—preparing and learning everything I could about ships. Even so, learning to translate that to practical action took time, and repetition."

"The Sisko has had time to learn here," the Prophet said. "The Sisko has all of time to learn here.

"But all of it at once."

The Prophet studied him. "You want something smaller. Simpler. A … 'beginner project.'"

"That would be very helpful," Ben said.

The Prophet took them to a place that was like the Celestial Temple, but smaller. It, too, was outside of time and space; it, too, was anchored to one physical location (though that physical location traveled through the galaxy and would one day pass beyond it). Still, it was more tightly bounded; the connections to time and space were weaker. And it was … simpler. It was alive, but it had no sentience.

The Prophet observed the place she'd shown him, and he could sense her affection for it. And her frustration. Very like the way his sister Judith had looked at her dog Sadie when Sadie had chewed up her slippers.

There were people in the simpler anomaly, but they were not like the Prophets. They could not see it for what it was.

"How did they get in here?" he asked, scrutinizing them. "They're not from here, they're linear. Corporeal." Although not very linear; they tended to replay the same few events, time after time. Whole worlds in a bottle, visions that they could not always tell from reality.

"This ribbon does not have the capacity to make its entrance safe for things and beings of matter," the Prophet said, pointing out the great rip in space and time that was the point where the infinite interfaced with the finite.

Ben studied it, and saw the problem, and also realized that he knew this anomaly. Not from his time in the Celestial Temple, seeing all of space and time, but from a report that had crossed his desk three years into his time on Deep Space Nine. It had been flagged for him because of a few superficial similarities to the wormhole, but the most interesting thing about it had been … "Kirk," he said.

James T. Kirk had come out of the Nexus to help Picard save the Veridian system, and died in the process.

So what, Ben wondered, was he doing still in the Nexus after that point? The Prophet's attention had turned elsewhere; Ben could have asked her or any Prophet, for they were all connected to each other and to him.

But this was meant to be a learning experience, and Ben thought he would rather figure it out on his own. He dove into the Nexus, and was relieved to find that while it was infinite and nonlinear, like the Celestial Temple, it was at least a smaller infinity. Ben could wrap himself up in it and be slightly less overwhelmed.

There were Prophets here, too, though it was not their home. It was … a place of retreat? Regeneration? And they liked it best when the Nexus responded to their desires, not the desires of the corporeal, linear beings trapped inside it.

Ben's job, he realized, would be to clean it up. Put the linear beings back in the linear world, and hopefully arrange things so that they would stop falling into it. Or being killed by it.

He had all of time and space to work with—and this time, he had the opportunity to actually talk with the great Captain Kirk without having to worry about the Department of Temporal Investigations. Ben entered into Kirk's environment, and breathed a sigh of relief as it helped him gather all of himself into one moment and setting.

Kirk was sitting at a campfire, drinking a cup of coffee. He was older and stockier than he'd been when Ben had gotten his autograph at Deep Space Station K-7. He was not alone; Ambassador Spock was with him, and another man Ben recognized after a moment's contemplation as Doctor Leonard McCoy.

Neither man was actually there, of course; these were phantoms of Kirk's own mind given form by the Nexus. Kirk watched them bicker, and there was a hunger in his eyes.

Ben studied him with senses he had not possessed as a corporeal, wholly-linear being. This was not all of Kirk, he realized, but rather a fragment of him, left behind when he had left the Nexus. Kirk knew where he was, he knew none of this was real; he knew that he was alone. Given his limited perception of the Nexus, that wasn't enough to free himself.

Ben gave himself a physical body and stepped forward through the trees to the edge of the clearing.

"Hello," he said.

Kirk looked up. His companions continued their conversation, like holograms set to limited interactions. "You're new," he said. "Are you real?"

"I am," Ben said.

"You've got a Starfleet badge," Kirk said. "If you want me to help save someone or something from the Nexus I'd love to, but the last time I tried it didn't actually work. We tried to leave the Nexus and nothing happened."

"But it did," Ben said. "You and Captain Picard left the Nexus and saved Veridian IV, although you died in the process. The problem is, the Nexus is not so easy to leave. Part of you remained here."

Kirk wiped a hand over his face.

Sisko gave him a moment. How much time had it been, subjectively, for Kirk? Did he feel like it was only moments since he'd met Picard, or had he felt the years in between?

"I'm glad it worked," Kirk said. "Although part of me wishes Picard never came and told me where I was. Being trapped here was a lot nicer when I didn't know it was a trap and none of this was real. I don't suppose you have a way out of here?"

"I do," Ben said. "It's complicated, and I'm trying to figure out the best way of handling it."

Kirk waved a hand, and they were in a briefing room done with mid-23rd-Century aesthetics. Kirk himself was younger, in a gold tunic, just as he had been when Ben first met him. "If there's one thing I've got, it's time. How can I help?" He gave a wry smile.

Ben took a seat at the conference table. He could think this through on his own, of course, but it would be more interesting to do it with Kirk, and get the legend's perspective. If his adolescent self could see him now, he would be so jealous. "I'm Captain Benjamin Sisko, former commander of space station Deep Space Nine, near a planet called Bajor. I've been … adopted into a group of noncorporeal energy beings called the Prophets, who live outside of time and space and experience it all at the same time, instead of in a linear progression from one moment to the next."

"Sounds confusing," Kirk said, with the knowing air of someone who had met more than his fair share of strange things over the course of his career.

"It can be," Ben admitted. "But it means I have a much better understanding of the Nexus than you do, and can manipulate it to get everyone trapped here out of it."

"So what's the problem?" Kirk asked.

"The problem is, I'm still a Starfleet officer, sworn to uphold the Federation charter and Starfleet regulations … including the Temporal Prime Directive." Ben spread his hands. "But the Temporal Prime Directive was not designed for beings who experience time in a non-linear fashion."

Kirk cocked his head. "It assumes that you're from a specific point in time, and shouldn't change anything before that time. But if you experience all of time at once …"

"… then that doesn't work," Ben said. "Either nothing I do is temporal interference, because I'm from every bit of time I'm affecting; or everything I do is temporal interference, because I am outside of time."

"If you take all of us in here and drop us off back in the real world, no matter what time you do it, we're going to change things merely by being alive again." He looked off into space, and Ben remembered Dulmer and Lucsly's revilement of him. What had Kirk learned in those seventeen separate temporal violations?

"I could make it so that you never get swept up into the Nexus in the first place," Ben said. "But what would change because you lived? I have no idea, and you didn't live your life on a small scale—even in retirement, you could well change something major. But that applies to any point I drop you off at. Or I could take this fragment of you here, and reunite it with your whole self as you saved the Veridian system … but then you'd die."

"I don't mind dying for a good cause, but I'd rather not die if I have a choice about it," Kirk said wryly.

"And I'd rather not kill you," Ben said. "I might be able to reunite you in such a way that it changed things just enough that you wouldn't die then, but it would change things from the perspective of the time I became nonlinear—which is, I suspect, the point the Department of Temporal Investigations will use as their reference, when I return to linear, corporeal existence."

"Department of Temporal Investigations?" Kirk asked.

"That's right, they didn't exist yet in your time," Ben said. The DTI had been a fairly late development, with breaches of the Temporal Prime Directive handled by the regular Federation legal system, at first. "Lucky you. They're a department of the Federation—not Starfleet—that exists to police time travel incidents. But of course by the time they hear of something, it's already happened. And then they show up and you have to justify every detail of the mission." He shuddered. He'd gotten off lightly.

"Surely they can't be that bad," Kirk said. "It's never fun to justify yourself to bureaucrats, but there's worse things."

"True," Ben said. "But they can put in a report that will kill your career, if they don't like how you handled it, and they have no sense of humor. I was lucky, I only had to deal with them the once, and it was after a mission that had gone off without a hitch." He sighed. "And my career is well and truly off the rails in any case—officially, Starfleet has me on detached duty while I'm outside of linear time, but when I go back to corporeal existence … I'll have to resign my commission."

"Have to?" Kirk said delicately.

"I have … religious obligations, that I put off while we were at war with the Dominion," Ben said. "Even if I could do both, I have to be in the Bajor system, or close to it, and the only post there for a Starfleet captain is the command I had before I became … this." Ben gestured at himself. "From their perspective, I'm gone for … awhile. I don't know exactly how long; it's hard to judge such things, when you aren't linear." Though inside the Nexus, space and time were small and limited enough that he had a better idea. His heart sank; it was going to be longer than he had hoped. "Someone else is given command after I join the Prophets. She does a great job, but I can't just go back to my former command. Which means … resigning from Starfleet."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kirk said. "I'm sure you're a fine officer."

Ben smiled. "Thank you. That means a lot, coming from you. I don't regret having to leave Starfleet; I almost did once before, and I have much better reasons to do so now. Still … it'll be a change."

"I do," Kirk said. "Regret having to leave Starfleet. Well, I regret having to stop serving on starships; I've been an admiral, and while I can do the work, it's not for me. I'd rather be retired than chained to a desk. But I've had a purpose all my life. Important things to do—exploring, taking care of my crew, serving the Federation. Reasons to get up out of bed in the morning, reasons to feel satisfied and accomplished when I go to bed at night. Things that matter. Things that are worth doing." He sighed. "I'm sure it'll be worse in the future. In my own time, I have my friends. In the future—well, they'll all be dead, except maybe Spock, depending on when you drop me off."

Depending on how long it took Ben to fulfill his mission with the Prophets, and how well he was able to time his re-embodiment, he might be facing similar concerns. He pushed the thought aside, as he had been doing since he had entered the wormhole. There was nothing he could do about it either way, or at least, not until he learned more about the way his time in the Celestial Temple really worked. "I wish I could drop you off back when you came from." He shook his head. "It's not the Department of Temporal Investigations I'm worried about, not really. You see, in my time, we just finished a war with a very dangerous enemy, the Dominion, who not only almost conquered the Federation, but all of the Alpha Quadrant along with us—Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, everyone. It took a miracle—literally—to win, on more than one occasion. My time with the Prophets is part of the price of that miracle. I can't jeopardize the Federation's survival, and unfortunately seeing all of space and time at once isn't enough for me to accurately predict possible effects to the timeline if I change things in the Federation or its neighbors before that victory. I see all of what is; I don't see very many of the possibilities of what might be different."

"Thank you for your honesty," Kirk said. He cocked his head and gave half a smile. "Well, I've sacrificed more for less worthy causes before. And I deeply understand about consequences you can't foresee even from something that seems like a good thing at the time."

"Oh?" Ben said. "That sounds like there's a story there."

"There is," Kirk said, and told a story about being trapped in the 1930s on Earth, and the horror of realizing that in order to save Earth from being conquered by Nazis, they had to let a deeply good person die.

Part of Ben watched it happen, even as part of him sat with Kirk in the Nexus and listened. Part of Ben reflected that Kirk was very lucky that he and the other two trapped in the past with him—Spock and McCoy, of course—could all pass for white, in 20th Century terms.

"Of course, later on, I realized that we didn't have to let Edith die after all," Kirk said, looking down and off to the side. "We could have brought her with us to the future; that would have stopped her from peace advocacy in the 1930s just as surely as her death did. She would have loved the future. She would have loved to see Earth at peace, with no hunger or want or any of the things she spent her life working to help."

With very little prodding, that led to stories of some of Kirk's other adventures in time, and other adventures in general. Ben thoroughly enjoyed the stories, particularly since he could watch them as they happened, and see the ways in which Kirk shaped the story as he told it.

"So why are you so interested in my exploits?" Kirk asked at last. "It's not that I mind telling stories, and I'm glad to talk to someone who isn't a figment of my imagination for once, but … it's hardly helping you figure out what to do about all of us stuck in here."

Ben shrugged. "The Prophets aren't what you'd call great conversationalists," he said. "And they don't really understand me or my concerns. And it's hard, being non-linear, to talk with people who are experiencing only one point of time—the Nexus makes it easier, believe it or not. It touches all of space and time, but … it's a smaller infinity, than the Celestial Temple is."

"You're lonely, too," Kirk said.

"Yes," Ben said. "When the Prophets took me, I had to leave behind my wife and children, my family, all of my friends—and you know how the officers you serve with become your family."

"I do," Kirk said. "I always knew that everything would turn out fine, as long as I had Spock and Bones with me. And it was true—when I went into the Nexus, I was alone. When I helped Picard stop Soran, I was alone."

"When I went to stop Dukat and the Pah-wraiths, I was alone," Ben said, nodding. "I stopped the Pah-wraiths and sealed them forever in the Fire Caves—they won't get to burn the universe. They'll never be able to do it; the universe will end before they are released. I'll even get to go home to my family and friends, one day. When I've finished my work for the Prophets."

"But in the meantime, you're alone," Kirk said.

"Yes," Ben said. "It's been … pleasant, to sit and talk with someone who understands."

"I'm glad to have been helpful," Kirk said. "But the sooner you get your work done, the sooner you'll be able to go back home."

"It doesn't quite work like that, when you're outside of linear time," Ben said. "But I take your point." He considered the Nexus thoughtfully. "If it had emissions that were just a bit stronger in both radio and subspace bands, more people would see it with enough time to avoid it," he said. "And if I make that adjustment early enough in the ribbon's journey through the universe, that would prevent a lot of the people in it from ever encountering it closely in the first place."

"That would definitely change the timeline," Kirk observed. "Weren't you the one who was worried about timeline changes? What if one of them is a Hitler? Or an Edith Keeler? How do you know how it will turn out?"

Ben spread his hands. "If I prevent them from going into the Nexus at all, that will change history. But it will also change history if I dump them out of it at random points in time—only then, they would be lost decades or centuries or millennia out of their own time. The fact that it won't change the past of the Federation from my perspective before I became non-linear does not mean that it won't change things. What right do I have to make my personal linear lifetime as the basis around which all of space and time revolves? To say that I can't change anything before my lifetime, but I can change things that come afterwards?"

"Either everything you do violates the Temporal Prime Directive," Kirk said, nodding, "or nothing does."

"Yes," Ben said, and realized why he had been so slow to act. Not just here, but with all the other little projects the Prophets had given—were giving, would give—him. "What right do I have to make those sorts of decisions? I'm just one human being. I see all of space and time, but that doesn't mean I understand it, and it doesn't give me any special wisdom. Who am I to make those decisions for whole civilizations of people?"

"You're the man on the spot," Kirk said. "Maybe you don't deserve to make those decisions, but who does? Maybe you're not wise enough to make those decisions, but who is? Are they the sorts of things that your 'Prophets' should be deciding instead?"

"No," Ben said. "They don't understand linear beings. Or corporeal beings. Or singular beings—they're a collective. How could they possibly understand the consequences of their decisions for linear, corporeal, singular beings?"

"Well, then," Kirk said. "Whether you have the right to make those decisions, you may have a duty to, if there's no one else who would be better at it. You'll make mistakes along the way, of course, but that's inevitable. What matters is that you pay attention and work to fix things when you do—and lucky for you, you have all of space and time to do it."

"I suppose that's true," Ben said.

"You know, I've met more than my fair share of beings with godlike powers," Kirk said. "It isn't their wisdom—or lack thereof—that's the problem. And it isn't really their power, either."

"Then what is it?" Ben asked, barely restraining himself from asking for more stories. What he needed right now was perspective, and advice.

"It's their callousness," Kirk said. "When they don't care about what their use of power does to people. That's what does the damage. As long as you're genuinely trying to do your best for the people your actions will affect, as long as you pay attention to their needs and wants and cares, there's a limit to how badly you can mess things up."

Ben thought about that. "I can watch, when I send people home, to see if it changes things for the worse, and if so, how to mitigate it."

"Yes," Kirk said. "And as for being partial, so what? That's part of being alive! Of course you have people and places that you care about more than others. Of course you have times that matter more to you than others. The only things in the universe that truly act impartially are natural forces. Stars burn according to natural principles with no regard for anyone or anything around them. You're not a star, you're a person—and a Starfleet officer."

"You know, I once said something very similar to that to the Prophets," Ben mused. "The Dominion was about to destroy the minefield around the wormhole—" he stopped at Kirk's raised eyebrows, and moved them to a place where they could see the galaxy at a scale Kirk could process. "The Dominion is a fascist empire from the Gamma Quadrant. There is a stable wormhole from Bajor to the Gamma Quadrant, which the Dominion was using to send fleets of ships through to conquer the Alpha Quadrant." As he spoke he made each place glow for Kirk, so he could see it. "The wormhole is also the home of the Prophets, whom the Bajorans worship as gods. We'd had to abandon Bajor to the Dominion, we couldn't hold the wormhole … but we'd managed to mine it so they couldn't bring more ships through."

Ben brought them closer to the B'hava'el system to watch the events around the wormhole, at a sped-up perception of time. "That held them back for a while, they could only work with what ships they already had, and the ships their allies here had. But then they figured out how to take down the mines. We were barely holding our own. If they could have brought through as many ships as they wanted, it would be all over for the Federation—and for Bajor. We launched a fleet in a desperate attempt to get there and retake the wormhole. It almost worked, but we were too late." They watched the battle. Ben felt his desperation and pain and single-minded focus all over again. He watched as all those ships—and their crews—died so that the Defiant could reach the wormhole.

Rather than narrate what happened next, he brought Kirk along to watch.

"What about Bajor?" Benjamin Sisko said, as Benjamin Sisko watched."You can't tell me Bajor doesn't concern you. You've sent the Bajorans Orbs, and Emissaries—you've even encouraged them to create an entire religion around you!"

Corporeal, linear Benjamin Sisko was not aware of non-linear Benjamin Sisko watching him, nor of Kirk's presence, but the Prophets were. They didn't approve of him bringing an outsider to watch this, but they did not disapprove strongly enough to do anything about it.

"You even told me once that you were 'of Bajor'," his linear self insisted, "so don't you tell me, you're not concerned with corporeal matters! I don't want to see Bajor destroyed. Neither do you—but we all know that's exactly what's going to happen if the Dominion takes over the Alpha Quadrant! You say you don't want me to sacrifice my life—well fine! Neither do I. You want to be gods? Then be gods! I need a miracle. Bajor needs a miracle—stop those ships!" It was interesting, the things he couldn't perceive the first time he'd experienced this moment. The Prophets were both more and less powerful than he had believed. More, because he couldn't comprehend the vastness of time in the way they perceived it; less, because he couldn't comprehend what it was like to be a being of pure energy, not merely non-corporeal but never corporeal.

The Prophets didn't understand matter, for precisely the same reason they did not understand linearity.

How does a collective of energy, which has never been connected to matter in any way, destroy a fleet of ships? How do they know what to do?

Simple: get a being of matter, a linear being, and make it part of themselves.

As the Prophets discussed how intrusive and controlling Benjamin Sisko was, what penance must be enacted for his demand that the Prophets change their very nature in order to save Bajor, Benjamin Sisko reached out to the Dominion fleet in the wormhole and began unraveling the atoms that made up the ships and people aboard them.

This was the penance required: not because, or not only because, the Prophets were upset that he demanded their intervention in corporeal matters. But also because their intervention in corporeal matters could not be done—or could not be done effectively—without him being the one to do them.

The Sisko: human, but with a Prophet feeding him a little bit of their essence to him even as he nursed at his mother's breast. Not enough to be noticeable to other humans or even to himself, but enough that when the time came, he could make the transition from linearity and corporeality into the same sort of being the Prophets were, without losing too much of himself in the process. An interface, between them and the rest of a universe they could see but not understand enough to affect.

Benjamin Sisko demanded the Prophets intervene. Benjamin Sisko was the Prophet who intervened

Ben turned away and brought himself and Kirk back to the Nexus. They had seen what they needed to see—and Ben had done what he needed to do. The Federation was saved. And he knew why he was here.

"I see what you mean," Kirk said. "That was quite a speech you gave." His smile was warm, approving, and Ben smiled in return.

"But what if I go too far? I'm not a god," Ben said. The lingering doubts swirled in his mind, and he feared that if he lost them he would lose too much of his humanity.

"Of course not," Kirk said. "People who want power for power's sake—who want that kind of control over the world and other people—usually can't be trusted with it. If you did want it, Starfleet would never have let you rise to the rank of captain. We've learned from our mistakes. But that doesn't change the fact that whether or not you sought this power, you have it. If you have it … you have a responsibility to use it, and use it well. Not for personal aggrandizement, or to make yourself or the Federation the bully with the biggest stick. But to help people live in safety and harmony, free from fear or want or cruelty. I think you'll do well."

"Thank you," Ben said. "That means a lot, coming from you."

"I'm not surprised to hear it," Kirk said. "I don't think, deep down, you needed me to tell you any of this. You were more interested in hearing my stories than discussing your problem, despite that being why you said you wanted to talk. I've been kind of wondering if you'd ask for my autograph."

"That, I already have," Ben admitted. "I mentioned a previous mission that involved time travel, and the Department of Temporal Investigation afterwards?"

Kirk frowned. He looked Ben up and down. "Deep Space Station K-7! The incident with the Tribbles!"

"You remember?" Ben asked.

"Enterprise had a crew of 430, and we didn't get that many transfers in and out over the course of our exploratory mission," Kirk said. "When we got new faces, those faces stuck around. You didn't. And now I suppose I know why."

"Please don't tell the Department of Temporal Investigation that you remember me," Ben said. "They were upset that I caught your attention long enough to get your autograph."

Kirk chuckled. "I won't. I suppose I'd have done the same, if I'd found myself on Archer's Enterprise. But now I have to know: what were you doing there in the first place?"

Ben explained about Barry Waddle, a.k.a Arne Darvin, and his desire to retroactively make himself a hero by altering the timeline, and what they'd had to do to stop him.

While he was doing that, he altered the Nexus so that it would be easier to sense and avoid … but not so much so as to avoid the incident with the El-Aurian refugees which incited Soran's work and the destruction of the Enterprise-D.

Most of the beings trapped inside the Nexus vanished, never having been there at all. Others remained, and Ben fixed that, too, altering as little as possible while still preventing them from falling into the Nexus. The El-Aurians were the easiest to handle; they were naturally more attuned to the larger space-time continuum than most nonlinear beings, and he could simply re-unite them with the part of themselves who had been rescued.

When all was done, and Ben was finished telling the story of their experience with the Orb of Time, he smiled at Kirk. "Thank you for the company, and the stories, and the advice," he said.

"You're welcome," Kirk said. "Thanks for the rescue."

They shook hands. Ben reunited this fragment of him with the rest of himself, fighting Soran on Veridian III, and shifted things just enough so that he didn't die.

Ben watched, satisfied, as the Nexus continued on its way—now safe from corporeal beings.

He turned to the next project the Prophets had in mind for him.

[hongherbac]

[Serizawa centric] The Humanity of S&S - Chapter 1

Read it on AO3

Chapter: 1/6

Fandom: モブサイコ100 | Mob Psycho 100 Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Non-Romantic Relationships: Seirizawa Katsuya & Reigen Arataka & Dimple

Characters: Seirizawa Katsuya, Reigen Arataka, Dimple, OC

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Battle (would be there in CH5), Canon Compliant

Summary: There were always some difficulties in life. Serizawa sometimes fell into self doubt, and he was not the only one who found their own answer in the journey.

(Serizawa's new classmate strongly questioned his occupation decision and judgment, then used some dirty tactics to poach him.)

Notes: I wrote the Chinese version of this in May, And I'm translating it during the small breaks while working on my WIP.

Now this work seems somewhat immature to me, but I remember having a lot of fun writing it, and I think it's still worth sharing. I mean, I can never get enough of Serizawa and Reigen hurt/comfort content.

Updates might be slow, but I will definitely finish it sooner or later!

Chapter 1

"Let me introduce you to Ido Sayuu. He has just transferred here and will start attending classes today. Please make him feel welcome. Ido, would you like to say a few words?"

The man in the white shirt took a step forward and bowed to the classroom.

"My name is Ido. Ido Sayuu. I moved to Seasoning City because the company planned to open a branch here. Thanks to the help of many people, I was able to enroll in school in the middle of the semester. I'm looking forward to studying with you."

The classroom applauded sparingly, as a simple gesture of courtesy. For these working adults with other priorities in life, a transfer student is nothing to get excited about. There was a tall, tanned, muscular boy writing furiously, taking his time to fill in the numbers for today's assignment. There was also a girl, her heavy makeup already a bit loose, looking down at her cell phone's text message, pondering the client's request.

Among these people, Serizawa was not special at all.

He clapped his hands enthusiastically, welcoming the new night school student. Like the others, he came straight from work in his work clothes. Serizawa had always been careful to iron his shirts and keep them neat and tidy, but he didn't notice a small burn hole from the evil spirit's residue. People would probably think it was from smoking, even though he didn't really smoke. They had borrowed the classroom at Salt Middle School for a while because their usual classroom was being renovated. His knees ached under the small desk.

"Ito-san, you must be in a very high position, right?"

At the end of the class, a man who was also an employee of the company spoke to the transfer student.

"You said the company was 'planning to open a branch,' so it's still in the preparation stage." Another student also came over excitedly, "You've been assigned to handle the expansion at this time. Let me guess, are you the future branch manager?"

"Ah, no," Ito scratched his head, "Actually, the expansion hasn't been finalized yet, although I think it's pretty much decided… I moved here for a few months to really check out the business environment. After all, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving such a big decision to the people under me."

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

Ito took out his business cards, and handed them over with a smile, "I'm the president of Ito Parts Manufacturing. Nice to meet you."

=====

Inside the office of Spirits & Such, the blinds were partially open, allowing stripes of sunlight to stream in and brighten the room.

"So, there came a company president in your class…."

Reigen leaned back in his chair, his laptop open in front of him, and a small pile of edamame shells piled up on the table. He had obviously been idle for quite some time.

"There were really all kinds of people in your class."

"Yes. Everyone does different things during the day. It's amazing." Serizawa said enthusiastically, "Even though Suzuki-san, Reigen-san and Ito-san are all company presidents, each of you gave a completely different impression. I don't know Ito-san very well yet, but he must be an outstanding person as well.

"Nah, you're thinking too much," Reigen waved his hand dismissively, "Anyone can be a president these days, as long as they have money. All you have to do is come up with a few thousand dollars, fill out some papers and register with the government. Then, BOOM! You're president."

"That's right. Look at this guy: no brains, no leadership. He's been doing fine for years."

"Hey! DImple!"

"I have looked into Ito Parts Manufacturing," Serizawa said. "A business magazine reported that Ito-san started with nothing at first. He took over a dying factory, saved it from bankruptcy, and turned it into a publicly traded company in just three years."

"Ha! He's not on the same level with Reigen at all! You are wayyyyyy behind.” Dimple laughed.

"Serizawa… now, listen carefully." Reigen looked extremely serious all of a sudden, and his tone was prudent, "It's very important to connect with your classmates. You all missed out on your youth for some reason, and this is a great opportunity to make up for it! You're all in the same boat, so you can be good partners and support each other! Ito-san is new at school. Although he doesn't show it, he must have a lot of unfamiliar difficulties. Why don't you give him a hand? Also, if he has any problems, ask him to visit us for help, will you? We will do our best to provide service!"

Dimple squinted at Reigen. His face twisted, eyes widened with excitement, nostrils flared and puffed out, the corners of his mouth couldn't help but lift in a grin. The word 'greedy' was written bright and clear across his entire face.

"O-okay. I get it." Serizawa was a bit confused, but still took the advice carefully. He scratched his head, "I'm not very good at connecting with my classmates…. But since Reigen-san said it's important, I'll try my best."

-Knock, knock.

There was a knock on the office door.

"Finally, we have a visitor." Reigen put aside his selfish desires, straightened his tie and said, "Serizawa, go greet them, please."

"Yes, sir."

Serizawa went to the door, where he politely welcomed a worried, awkward, middle-aged man. His hair was thinning, face wrinkled, deeply furrowed with worry, and the steps were hesitant and heavy. The man was invited to sit on the sofa. A small plate of pastries lay on the coffee table in front of him. From the back of the room, there came the sound of Serizawa boiling hot water for tea.

The man lifted his head and looked at Reigen.

Reigen stared at the client solemnly without hurrying. He kept his mouth closed, as if to say silently, "I know. You're so troubled, so anxious. Usually you scoff at the supernatural, but now you have to seek help. This is embarrassing. Yes, I understand. But it doesn't matter any more. Because I, Reigen, the greatest psychic of the 21st century, will do my best to help you!"

At the same time, Dimple floated behind the office desk, picking up and eating the edamame that Reigen had just swept onto the floor. What a waste! But worry not. Dimple, the most powerful evil spirit of S&S, would do his best to help.

"Well… How should I put it? It might scare you…"

The client finally stammered.

"Please… Please don't be terrified. But I think my little girl is… possessed! By an evil spirit!"

That’s quite ordinary. Serizawa thought to himself and served the hot tea.

"What did you say!!!!" Reigen shouted loudly. Serizawa startled, almost spilled the tea. "Are you saying an evil spirit possession? This is very serious…!! The evil spirits that can possess humans are mostly very malevolent. They are energy carriers filled with resentment and obsession which can severely affect the person possessed, both physically and mentally. If not handled properly, you and your family may be in great danger."

"Is it really that serious?" The client also raised his voice, sweating profusely, "My god! I should have come sooner. This evil spirit is killing my whole family! My daughter is getting thinner and thinner. My wife was in poor health already, and now she is even more and more emaciated. I really don't know what to do… Master, please help us!"

"Well, there's still hope. You came to me just  in time." Reigen rested his elbows on his knees, and leaned forward attentively, "Please, tell me everything."

…bla bla bla this and that

…bla bla bla bla

"I see. I have fully understood the situation. The evil spirit sounds very strong. I have to make some preparations first, then I'll visit you in a few days to perform the exorcism. How about… two days later? In the afternoon? Is that alright? Well then, please have a look at our price list. If you want the best results, I highly recommend this package."

After sending off the client, Serizawa collected the tea cups and dessert plates on the tray and took them to the sink. He opened his small notebook, carefully wrote down the client's phone number and address, and marked the date of the visit on his calendar.

"Ha-ah…" Reigen yawned widely, stretching his previously upright body, "I guess that’s it for today. You're off in less than an hour. You can leave early if you want. There's nothing left to do anyway."

"Thank you, Reigen-san. But can I stay here before night school? I have a civics assignment, and I thought I'd take the time to work on it."

"Suit yourself." Reigen shrugged, "Civics you say? Like helping old ladies cross the street?"

"The teacher did talk about morality, but maybe because we are all working adults, he emphasized more on legal knowledge. Like in this assignment, I have to look up some statutes. It's quite difficult for me."

"It’s really inconvenient to look up information on the cell phone. Do you want to use my computer?"

"Oh, can I? But don't you have to work on that?"

"How can you work all day? I'm going to watch some TV. You can use the laptop as you like. But remember, DO NOT delete my files, and DO NOT click on those suspicious websites. Got it?"

"That would be a big help! Thank you, Reigen-san!"

Reigen flopped down on the sofa, crossed his legs, grabbed the remote and began aimlessly flipping through channels. So… what should he watch now? Reigen was not interested in serial dramas at all. He could tell the plot two hundred episodes ahead just by watching the first fifteen minutes… Hmm? This bag of edamame was almost done. Did he really eat that much?

At this moment, Serizawa sat in Reigen's usual place with his homework and stationery. He held the mouse and double-clicked on the web browser, then suddenly realized that Reigen still had the memory tab function on.

"Ah! …"

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Hej,

please…please tag me in the list I nearly overlook you next chapter 23!

I praised you work before and i really freak out about it, because it’s so dam good.

I have a little request!

If you have the time 🙏 Tell me a little bit about the inspiration for the story? You create such an deep and real universe and brings the characters to life.

Both Dieter and Talia… I can’t get over it….think about the backstory/you description about Dieters behavior about relationships and it’s haunt’s me.

How did you start with the story in the first place? Is there some personal experience you weave into the story? And it’s this your first posting a story like this or did you write other story before?

Sorry, I have so much more question’s to you, but these haunting me the most!

And I know the story between these two lovebirds isn’t over…but i personally hope to read much more from you in the future ☺️

Praises, praise, praise… for you talents!

And thanks for tell about the good and bad parts of life! Where there is darkness, there is also light 😍 ah i love Happy Ends!

I move over to chapter 23 now…can’t wait to read his finally!

Best wishes and thank you!!

Thanks for the ask and kind words! 😭💜

More after the cut because it got kind of long…

This is indeed the first fic I have written on Tumblr. I used to write a lot when I was younger. I wrote a lot of poetry. I even did a horror trilogy once in high school for creative writing, which several of my teachers loved and others thought I was off my rocker…but I digress. 🤣

Once I started college and got my big girl job in higher education, I pretty much stopped writing for fun. I just didn’t have the time or the mental energy to do it. I finally gave up on higher education work after 16 years for a job that has a better work/life balance and I’m finally getting back into writing again. It’s been hard to get my mind reprogrammed from writing data driven reports and evidence based research, to this. It’s two very different things that uses very different language and I feel sooo out of practice. I am, however, slowly finding my way back.

I have mentioned little tidbits about my personal experiences in the Today’s Musings Extras for this fic. I’ve not gone into too many details because I don’t want to inadvertently spoil anything. I am indeed drawing heavily from life experiences for this fic unfortunately.

Everything I have witnessed, I wasn’t always directly involved in. Some of it was just the nature of my job. I did spend three years working in student conduct and behavioral intervention. A lot of the conduct issues really came down to students who were having personal troubles and really just needed help. A lot of it was mental health struggles or problems at home related to mental health struggles of family members. I worked closely with our counseling center during this time. I gained some amazing friends and learned a lot in the process.

With that said, A LOT of this is coming from things I have dealt with directly. There is a lot of me in Talia…the high functioning anxiety, the self doubt, the compartmentalization and rationalization. I work in IT and I’m a big crafting nerd too. So all those parts of her, do come from me. The other parts like the PTSD, history of emotional and psychological abuse, and drinking come from people I’m close to and have witnessed the affects of firsthand.

Dieter is one of my favorite Pedro boys and I felt like he was a great vehicle for exploring these topics. This version of Dieter is inspired by people in my life as well. The experiences he is having are very much pulling from multiple real life situations. They were and still are hard to deal with some days. I feel like it’s important that readers get to see all sides of these types of situations. Especially the side of those who are affected by the mental health struggles of those closest to them. That is something that is often overlooked and those people suffer in silence, just as much as the individuals who are experiencing the mental health crises themselves. That’s all I’ll say for now to avoid spoiling anything. Check back with me after we find out what is going on with Dieter and I might share more about what inspired his journey.

As far a the actual storyline goes, it’s all made up based around the traits I have created for these two and Dieter’s character in The Bubble.

Thank you for the ask and no worries about all the questions! I love that you want to know more about the story!

And lastly, I tried adding you to the tag list, but it won’t let me tag you. Do you possibly have your visibility settings turned off? I’m not sure what else would cause that. ☹️

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello. I am INJ 18F. I've been feeling stuck in a collie for quite a while now. Two years ago, after graduating from high school, I entered a specialty that I now hate. Then, wanting to get my father's approval, I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, despite the fact that I was already thinking about what sphere I wanted to connect my life with. I convinced myself that this was just a temporary hobby and I didn't know where I wanted to go, so it would be better to go where my father wanted me to go.

Now the fact that I made the wrong choice then became too obvious. I am serious about the areas that I was interested in then. I continue to study them and my life is very closely connected with these areas. And, unfortunately, I spend too much time on what I'm interested in. This affects my basic training. And this forces me to make a choice, because I cannot move in two directions. I have to either take my hobbies to the negative, which would be a literal betrayal of myself, for me, and therefore I can't afford to do it, or I have to take my studies to the negative. But this will also have an extremely negative impact, both on my relationship with my parents and on my life in the future. After college, I will have to work in my profession, because they will not be able to provide for me for so long. Thus, I have to choose between my real future and what I am so sincerely devoted to and what I am interested in.

Now I'm stuck in a collectible consisting of escaping from thoughts about my distant future, because I don't see anything positive in it, self-hatred, the specialty in which I study and a feeling of helplessness. I constantly feel sorry for myself and do nothing. At some point I tried to start acting, but I had no real direction and, as a result, I returned to my condition. I do not know what I am striving for when the future that I wanted and that I am dreaming about now seems so inaccessible to me now.

I could combine training in specialization and my hobbies, or first study in specialty, and then study in the field that interests me, but I absolutely do not like this prospect. It seems chaotic and useless to me. And I think I still want to believe that there are other ways, although the facts say otherwise. And now I feel that I hate the reality in which I found myself, because instead of striving for a personal goal, I have to go with the flow and adapt to circumstances. I honestly don't know what to do or think. Do you have any advice?

----------------------

If you don't know your type, you should do a proper type assessment, because it could be very relevant to your struggles. Without knowing your exact type, you limit my ability to explain things to you.

As far as I can tell, the underlying issue here is a lack of independence. Three important aspects to independence are:

reliance: the degree to which you depend on others for regulating yourself, managing your affairs, making good judgments and decisions, or achieving your goals

autonomy: feeling motivated to direct your own life and exercising the right to make your own choices

volition: being able to act in accordance with your own needs, desires, interests, and values

You still rely on your parents for approval? You don't feel free to make your own choices? You don't act in your own best interests? While you are physically an adult, you are far from being an adult in spirit.

Your situation can be broken down into three issues:

(1) It seems your self-concept is inflexible. Self-concept refers to how you perceive and define yourself. Many kids don't really know what they want to be when they grow up, so it's normal for them to look to other people for ideas. It's not something to regret or feel ashamed about.

As you accumulate life experience, you should be learning more and more about yourself, eventually reaching a point where nobody should know better than you about what is best for your future. Becoming more and more self-aware, your self-concept should change and evolve throughout life.

But when you behave in a way that interrupts the evolution into adulthood, it means getting stuck in a childish state of dependence, so how will you grow into a self-reliant adult?

(2) It seems you haven't learned self-advocacy yet. Self-advocacy means being able to: i) communicate your needs/desires/goals, ii) defend your personal boundaries/rights/freedoms, and iii) stand up for your beliefs/values as needed to promote your interests, now and into the future.

Of course, the first step is to know what you need/want, where your personal boundaries lie, what your rights/freedoms are, and what your beliefs/values are. It's very difficult to act in accordance with who you really are when you don't know who you really are.

You seem to have reached a point in life where you know enough about yourself to have strong feelings and opinions about the direction you ought to take, which raises the question of why you haven't properly advocated for yourself. Your parents would not want you to live a life of misery, would they? If your ideas about your life differ from what they have in mind for you, then you need to communicate with them seriously about it rather than just get stuck in helplessness assuming the worst.

You seem to have trapped yourself in a false dichotomy of having to choose between yourself or your parents, but that's not how healthy relationships should work. There is no need for painful sacrifice as long as both parties are being reasonable and open to compromise. I understand that some parents are more stubborn than others, but such a challenge should be treated as an opportunity to learn better communication skills and how to express yourself with greater conviction and persuasiveness.

We all have external pressures to deal with and we all experience outside voices telling us what to do or who we should be. Being independent doesn't mean you stop caring about what other people think, rather, it means you reflect carefully and make informed and objective decisions about what kind of person you ought to be in order to live your life meaningfully in the world.

At the end of your life, it is really only you who must answer for the decisions you've made; you will be the one to feel the pride or regret most acutely. If you were to die in the next hour, would you feel satisfied by the decisions you've made for yourself? If not, stop wasting time and get on with changing how you make decisions.

When you keep withering under the fear of disapproval, it means you don't recognize your autonomy, so when will you be able to face the authorities in your life as an equal and speak up for yourself?

(3) It seems you suffer from low self-confidence. Self-confidence is related to the degree to which you feel in control of things. Different people have different reasons for low self-confidence. It is sometimes related to Ni misuse and imagining that problems are much worse than they really are, then emotions spiral and you lose all sense of control. Without a clear head, it's hard to analyze situations objectively and make good decisions.

At 18, you probably still suffer from some of the negative aspects of adolescence, such as being impractical, naive, or overemotional. I definitely remember my (over-the-top) way of thinking at 18, but despite how things seem at that age, career is not a life-or-death decision. It is quite common for people to change careers, perhaps many times throughout life, sometimes even late into middle age. Many adults I have been acquainted with tell me about "a past life" in this or that career they gave up because they realized it wasn't for them.

Looking at the bigger picture, to realize a career is not for you before you've even finished school is a bloody blessing. It's so much easier to start over at 18 than at 30 or 40. While I understand that finances might present a challenge for you, it's not an impossibility. Plenty of students find a way to pay in part or in full for their own education. You could work part-time and/or take out a loan. Perhaps if you communicated and negotiated properly with your parents, you could come to some kind of compromise with them.

The point is big problems can always be broken down into small steps of progress. Where there's a will, there's a way. The question is: How much hard work and difficulty are you willing to endure to get the life you really want? A meaningful life isn't an easy one. An easy life is usually the path of least resistance, the one that allows you to avoid confronting all the deeper problems that keep plaguing you. So far, you have mostly chosen the easy path, and now you're starting to realize it means forfeiting growth and getting stuck in a rut. Not so easy, after all, right?

When you have a bad habit of blowing problems out of proportion, being challenged by obstacles will always tempt you to give up and yearn for something easier, so how can you maintain enough will power to act in accordance with your needs, desires, interests, and values?

.

It's not my place to tell people how to live life. I can't tell you what the best course of action is; it's something you need to reflect on and decide for yourself. The only thing I can tell you is the way you're looking at the situation is too small and rigid. You're trapped by your own negative beliefs about how things "should" be or "will" end up. It is your choice whether to open up and broaden your perspective.

There is no need to be so pessimistic about the situation, but restoring hope means learning to have more patience, understanding, and self-compassion, i.e., to grant yourself permission to live a life that is different than originally expected.

The relationship with your parents ought to change with each new phase of your life, but it will only change for the better when you're willing to put in the effort to work out your issues with them.

There are always more possibilities for handling a situation as long as you exercise more imagination, but seeing new possibilities requires you to conquer the fears that keep you too fixated on the worst-case scenarios.

[the-ethereal-lorestar]

Meta Writing/Literary Analysis, Fandoms & Gushing about TJLC Explained

Those of you who wrote meta for your fandoms, wrote fanfiction, and made fanart, I am inspired by you. I watched a series of YouTube videos about someone dedicating their channel to one show that they love and analyzing it. It made me think about some literary analysis papers I made while studying in college.

I'm a procrastinator. I don't have any papers that I haven't done at the last minute while studying in college for my English degree. Usually, I'm not proud of the papers I made, although I made good grades on them. I wonder if I wouldn't feel so bad on the papers I wrote if I hadn't procrastinated? Most likely.

These are some topics I wrote about. I plan on rewriting them in the future, but how long that will take is beyond me. I have an idea, but it would be interesting to know how many people are most interested in which topic.

Topics:

Is Shakespeare sexist or feminist?

Why do I like the Movie Howl's Moving Castle when people around me are confused by it?

(I don't quite remember the topic exactly) Study of the Dystopian Genre with Larissa Lai's Salt Fish Girl

Homeschool, and why it's better then public school | How Public School could've Affected my Growth

Some info on these topics:

The first topic on my list was a set theme from a premade list by my teacher. I found it interesting for the fact that when I read Shakespeare I was getting mixed signals by his views. I found a paper that I could've added to the paper, but I couldn't 'cause procrastination.

The second point on this list is when I realized that although I loved these movies, my immediate family and other people close to me were confused by the movie? It was a exploration on my standards in the media I interact with. I usually go with the potential of the thing rather then if the actual thing is good. Is the movie Howl's Moving Castle objectively good?

The third point on the list is the testament of my burn out from going to college. I couldn't focus on anything I wanted to. Let alone read the dystopian classics within a week. This paper is where I want to circle back to the most, because the book Salt Fish Girl, became one of my favorite books, and the topic is fascinating to me.

The last point is self-explanatory. I used this book about homeschooling in high school and found a lot of good stuff in there. I also went back to the topic while I was in college. I envy the people who was so into the media and subjects they loved, and looked to how I was taught growing up to see if I could've been like my peers if I had been in a different school setting.

Unfinished Topics and Literary Analysis in the Future:

What YouTube channel inspired me to write this post, design a blog, and want to write my own Meta in the future for fandoms I enjoy?

TJLC explained

YEARS too late finding this channel, but I'm still glad I came across it. Was a sort of dramatic irony, watching her channel after the fact of series 4 of BBC Sherlock (for those who don't know, TJLC is "The JohnLock Conspiracy" for having Sherlock Holmes and John Watson actually be endgame).

Despite this, even if they never came back for her retrospective after series 4 aired, I still would've found her analysis spectacular. I don't think it mattered that it was "wrong" (for those who watched it understand why I put this in quotations, for those who don't, watch her videos, it's worth it), but how well executed it was.

I adored how they included mirrors, parallel's, symbolism. I mean, there were a lot, lol. It made me think about writing in symbolism differently. It's like a how-to video on writing subtext and exploring characters and symbolism. The phone stands for the heart!!!

I had no idea that there was meta for the theories of TJLC. I never heard of essays of fan theories referred to as "Meta" before. After I finished the videos, and read their fix-it fic (I'm pretty sure it could be considered a fix-it fic, she re-wrote series 4), I thought about my unpolished papers.

Here's the fic they wrote, if anyone is interested:

I'm hoping that making my blog on Wix would help me kick myself in gear into doing these things. Maybe a different environment could help. I dunno why, but for some reason I'm convinced of this. In three weeks, May 15th, I'll give an update. Whatever helps.

[tinybirdsupporter]

FLOSSING: A GRADUATION

a graduation from suicidality, it is.

I am no longer afraid of committing to the fact and confronting to the reality that I will live.

I just bought a calendar for the first time in my entire life. I never used the planner they gave us every year in high school (although having the type of brain that desperately needed it), cause using the planner admitted to me that I was indeed scheduling my day away— locking the possibility of something better happening— it would prove to me, in some way, that I am accepting in the conditions of my circumstance, and I’ll actively participate in their existence. school, work, sleep, death.

And I have never been okay with the circumstances of my existence. I have always wanted to die. Childhood depression, yada yada, you grow up and become your person, totally created in misery. Baked in some special sauce. Cooked and burnt and fried.

I have always run away from my foreseeable future. My depression was the type where you weren’t too keen on living in the first place, so every single responsibility added felt like bulky clothes while you’re already drowning, simply another reason that the inevitable were to occur: it’s because you never committed to living in the first place. Every push actually pushes you. The steadfastness of a life force was never there to begin with. Water in wind, rain on concrete. You never stood a chance.

Tonight I did my whole nightly routine. Before doing this, I usually take “consideration time”, 10-15 minutes beforehand (which is to say for 10-15 minutes, I am secretly debating if I should waste my energy in getting up at all, because one night wouldn’t kill me, the whole time I am begging myself to fool myself into thinking I would do it tomorrow morning. Because I don’t want to get up. Because self care, which is self preservation ((even in this minuscule example)) has always been something “extra”— because self care, which is self preservation, means admitting you’d like to commit to living.)

That is the bar. That is how low my will to live is. Genuinely. And I’m not fucking depressed like that, as of late. As I’ve put myself into lovely circumstance, through picking battles, choosing peace, and finding forever friends, I’ve been pretty good, I’ve been pretty great, I would say!

Back to the story— I flossed my teeth tonight, a conscious integrated action preluded by many experiences of preparing for this present-future moment. These moments include: a thought that I should start flossing; a reminder to buy floss at the store; a moment in which I actually executed the action, both by going to the store and separately remembering to buy the floss; bringing the floss to the bathroom, alongside my four other things to remember; shortly thereafter, I finally was there, poised in the mirror, hair back and abound, dutifully flossing. A perfect length of floss, enough to wrap a finger or two around for optimal leverage, functional control, and superior grip. And so I was flossing, and in that moment, I felt that I had graduated. I felt the same feelings as I did while graduating— the heart pushes up in your chest a bit, your breaths are remarkably light, your head pulses with pleasant blood— I felt like I had graduated.

Usually you don’t feel that same pang of self-worth and holy gratitude while flossing. However comma I did, and I still do. The graduation feeling persisted as I wrote down dates in my calendar— only friend’s birthdays, so far. I knew I had graduated from my old way of life. I finally wanted to live, and I would do the hard things any day to do it.

[dayseternal-blog]

Fic Author Self Rec! When you get this reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, or some snippets from upcoming WIPS. Let’s spread the self-love! Love ya and thank you for all you do!! 💖

:D my 5 favorite fics that I've written?? okay.

"It's No Secret" - Hinata returns to Konoha after 5 years studying abroad in the Moon Kingdom. She just wants to enjoy her last year of high school as a normal girl, but blossoming love forces her to confront her future. (Rated M). - My baby fish. A high school AU for which I was really trying all different kinds of things and making all kinds of mistakes, finding my writing style. As a fanfic writer newbie, I felt so free to do whatever I wanted! Every scene for me was gripping, and I was so immersed in the world I was trying to create. It has an original, lengthy plot that I still hope to finish one day!!! I love this fic just because it was so instrumental to helping me improve. It's definitely NOT my best work, but from the first chapter to the most recently published chapter, my growth in writing is so apparent. All of the comments I got on it, even the ones that criticized, were encouraging for me and I cherish those readers who've followed my fics since then 💞

"Nightdreams" - Naruto and Hinata find comfort in each other after the war. (Rated E). - The easiest multi-chapter fic to write. Ever. Since then, I've never had quite as much fun writing a fic (I think Catskin came close). Certainly never as easy a time. "Nightdreams" had its moments of growth for me for sure, though, like the mission chapter, the argument chapter, all of the smut! It had its challenges, but the story flowed so easily, from beginning to end. I think there were only a couple of small writer's blocks. Overall, "Nightdreams" easily takes fave #2 just because it was so fun, and I think readers can tell that I really enjoyed writing it.

"Awkward Jocks" - She knows that if he were to ever ask her out, she would accept in a heartbeat. After all, he's the star quarterback and basketball player. Plus, she's liked him since...forever. But when her home phone rings, and he's on the other line, she hangs up. (Rated G). - The sweet and funny love story based off of my ex-coworker's life...bittersweet now, don't remember if I shared on Tumblr why. But I wrote this fic full of my love for her, so it takes the spot for fave #3.

"About You" - A summer job at the Dole pineapple cannery, graveyard shift 10 PM to 6 AM. A long bus ride into and out of town. Two teens, shy beside each other. (Rated G). - One of my most personal fanfics, though many of them are super personal. This is possibly the MOST personal because it's slightly based off of my parents' stories, I set it on my home island, and I experimented with writing the dialogue in pidgin. The only reason it's not higher on my list is because I somehow feel like I didn't do as good a job on it as I would have liked. It's like, the cultural/historical details are not accurate enough for me. But this is definitely a fic I wrote for myself, and it's been a joy to see other people love it, too.

"Matcha" from "Shared Vows" - Naruto calls Hiashi "father" for the first time. (Rated T). - ooooh it was a toss-up between this one or "Finally Home" from "Shared Vows," but I decided on "Matcha" as my fave #5. I love how I framed this fic, its ending reversing the beginning, and I somehow managed to communicate exactly what I wanted to say about Naruto's new family. This fic gives me such feel-good vibes, and I'm so glad it captured the feelings I felt.

I know that my personal faves do not align with readers' personal faves. Except for maybe "Nightdreams" haha. That one is easy to love. I know people loved "White Lilies," "Friend of Mine," "Tell Me of Forevers," and "Undercover," ...those exhibit some of my best technical writing, so I'm glad readers recognized that effort! My personal faves have more sentimental value, I guess, so that's what makes them special to me.

[yesimtrashforit]

I graduate high school tomorrow, so I wrote a letter to my 13 year old self.

Dear 13-year-old me,

Hi. It's your senior year self. We made it, kid. We did it. That's the first thing I want you to know. As of me writing this, we are 1 day away from graduating high school and 41 days away from turning 18 years old. I know you would probably have so many questions. That's normal. I know that you are terrified of what the future brings, and that's okay. I just wanted to write to you, because without you, I wouldn't be here. I mean, obviously I wouldn't be here, but you get my point.

I know that, at this moment, you feel so worthless. Your shoulders hurt from carrying all this pain. It is just so heavy. You feel like everyone is mad at you. You need to know that it is no one's fault. I know this sounds cliche, but life just happens that way sometimes. I'm going to answer the questions of yours that I can, but as always, we still don't have the answers to everything.

Firstly, yes, you're going to be okay. Your definition of okay is different than mine, but that's to be expected. You're alive. You are physically on this planet. That seems impossible, but I swear it's true. No one believes me when I tell them that you genuinely didn't think you would make it to 17. (I really didn't.) That's not surprising, considering that nobody knows what you're going through right now. There's a couple people in your life right now who are taking it upon themselves to brainwash you into thinking you are all these terrible things. That you're selfish, ugly, stupid, hated, whatever horrible insults that I, honestly, don't even remember much of anymore. I wanted to tell you that the biggest shock of all, despite all these wonderful and less wonderful surprises in your life, is that you are worth something. You, yes, you, the young lady who is, for better or for worse, so emotional that it destroys you. You, the girl at the back of the class who is just so overwhelmed by everything. You, the girl who has tried so hard and tripped up so many times that it feels like your whole life is one big error. You, the girl who feels like being friends with you should come with a warning sign, "caution: this is not a stable person." And most of all, you, the girl who tears herself apart to justify mistreatment from others. You are worth something. I wish I could hug you and be there for you. In a way, I am there, deep inside your soul, just.. waiting.

Second, these terrible days do nothing other than proving that you're human and you will make mistakes. Look, kids in middle school are idiots. That's just the simple truth. Everything feels so important. What you look like, what you say, what movies you watch, who you like, who you don't like. The thing is that this stuff doesn't matter. Who you are, right now, at thirteen, is not going to change anything important in your life, except what lessons you learn. It's so cliche at this point, but it is absolutely true that mistakes become lessons learned. However, these lessons often have to be learned over and over again until they really stick. It is detrimental to try and apologize and fix mistakes that haven't been made yet. That's what you're doing now and you need to know that no one, absolutely no one, is ever going to justifiably hate you for it. In life, it's not about whether or not someone hates you or criticizes you. It's whether or not they are justified in this criticism. Hint: most of the time, they aren't. Now, what will you do about it? Will you let it define and puncture every moment you think to yourself that you're pretty, you're smart, etc.? The answer is, for next couple years of your life, yes, we will and we did. Oh, boy, did we. Yes, spoiler alert: what you're going through right now affected your life in a pretty bad way for about three years. I wish I could've prepared you for that. But then again, we wouldn't be as strong today. Are we still emotional as heck to the point where we can sometimes be moved to tears by a video of a cute puppy? Yeah. Are we still so petty that we've had spirals of planning revenge to get back at the people who hurt us? Yeah. Do we still have moments of doubt, regret, guilt, and shame? Absolutely. But can we take an insult or criticism by people whose opinions don't matter? Most of the time, yes. Like a champ. You are much more vulnerable today, but you have at least some wisdom and strength. You're stronger emotionally and I think that's all we wanted at 13.

Third, adults are right except for when they're not. Right now, the adults in your life who are trying their best to help you? They have barely any clue of what it is like to be a thirteen-year-old girl in early 2020. A shocking thing I realized is that the adults in your life are not always right. Especially when it comes to bullying. Oddly, the things adults told me that I thought were wrong were right and vice versa. "Just ignore them. They'll get bored eventually." That may have worked for them, but the kids of today have the determination of a bull chasing the color red. "Fight back. They'll leave you alone after that." We tried, in our own way at least. It didn't do anything. It doesn't do any good to stoop to someone else's level. In the words of a film you haven't seen yet, but will love with all your heart: "The only thing I do know is that we have to be kind. Please, be kind. Especially when we don't know what's going on." I know it sounds insane. Being kind to the people who try their hardest to put us down. But what I've learned is that standing down is better than fighting back. In the words of a Taylor Swift song you have yet to hear: "Sometimes giving up is the strong thing. Sometimes to run is the brave thing. Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing." It sounds pathetic and sad, but not fighting the fire and letting the flames consume you instead is the best decision when you've tried everything else. You just have to let time do its thing. Time is the most effective medicine.

Fourth, and this is one of the most important lessons you'll learn in life: having no friends will be the greatest thing to ever happen to you in your teenage years. Let's be honest, most of your friends have not been great. Even if they didn't outright insult you or put you down, they were often still not good for you. Don't just settle for anyone who wants to be your friend. Being alone and wallowing in your feelings and sitting by yourself at lunch for several months teaches you a lot. You learn about yourself and who you want to be. Being alone is okay. It's going to be okay. Have standards for who you surround yourself with.

Finally, what now? You got really into cartoons. Taylor Swift is still your role model in everything you do. You got really into movies. You watch a lot of sad ones. You read books when you have the time. You made really great friends. Yeah, you did. These people are the sweetest, funniest, and smartest people you know. You proved everyone wrong. You are smart. You are loved. You are worthy. And I know you're me, but I'm still so proud of you. I'm proud of us. It took a couple years for us to feel okay with ourselves, to love ourselves, but we do. I love our weirdness. I love how meticulously we analyze movies and books. I love how passionate and creative we are. I love how ridiculous excited we get to play trivia games. I love how we have to resist the urge to dance in public to the music in our headphones. I love how obsessed we get with our favorite shows and podcasts to the point where it's all we can think about. I love our awkwardness in social situations that we'd rather not be in. I love how much we try to act all tough and angsty, but we're really just a big heart on the inside. I love the moments we have when we realize how life is good to us. Those moments when we are talking to the kiddos at church and realizing just how small and beautiful the world seems to them. Those moments when we listen to a song that really resonates with us and my heart swells with love for the piece of art I have the privilege of experiencing. Those moments where we look around at everyone and everything in our lives and think "this is enough. It is enough to just be here." We're certainly not perfect. We are messy and crazy sometimes, but there are people who love us despite that.

There are so many questions I wish I'd known the answer to in middle school, and the scary thing is that we still don't know some of those answers. But, the most important thing from now on is that we try our best at everything and we don't judge ourselves for not living up to every single expectation. To quote that same film I mentioned earlier, "Every rejection, every disappointment has led you here to this moment. Don't let anything distract you from it." I've realized recently that my motto is this: failure is the best teacher and you can only define helpful failure when it happens. What I mean is that failure is not the rude voice in the back of your mind that could give Fletcher from Whiplash a run for his money. Failure is the voice that says "ok, that happened how it did. Let's pick ourselves up and try again." The only person you need to prove yourself to is you. The proud version of you. The best version of you. The true version of you.

And so I leave you with this: do everything in and with love. Carry yourself with love and the knowledge of how it surrounds you. I love being us and everything that comes with it.