#i wrote one back in 2019 and it was SO therapeutic

[alyxdoeswrite]

High times|| John "Soap" MacTavish x reader

Warnings: Illusions to sex, drug use (weed), my horrible knowledge on the military,swearing, not proof read A/N: happy (late) 420!this is the first time ive wrote since like 2019 so sorry if its ass. might write a part 2 to this!

Word count:1.9k

!!GIF is not mine!!

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It was a late night on base, and while everyone was sleeping, you decided tonight was the perfect time to light up. you had just gotten back to base after a particularly difficult mission and decided it would be the best way to relax. after missions 141 would usually head to a local pub and knock back some beers to relax and unwind after working their ass off. you were never really a drinker. you would have a drink here and there but never quite liked getting drunk. you preferred smoking. you were an experienced smoker. In high school, you were the classic stoner, had even sold a little bit back in those days. you knew every trick in the book and used them all now to not get caught. your smoking days didn't end once you joined the military. it was normal for you to sneak out to go smoke real quick. you stuck with joints for easy access and they were easier to sneak but now and then you would smoke out of a piece, most of the time it was your beloved bong. it wasn't often you smoke in your room out of the bong, it was saved for special occasions. tonight was one of those special nights. you had spent all day trying to catch up on all the sleep you had lost on the past mission, only waking up to go get dinner and then coming back to take a nap. 11:30 shined on the alarm clock, one of your only sources of light. the only other source of light was the moon shining in through your open window. you locked your door and put a towel at the bottom to block the smoke and turn on the fan while walking to the chair you pulled up to the window. the quiet cool breeze blowing through, making your room slightly chilly. you sit in your pajamas taking one good look at the moon before you started to pack a bowl. this was the most relaxed you had felt in months, nothing made you quite as happy as smoking on a quiet summer night, it was therapeutic. you grab your lighter and take the first hit, holding it in for a couple of seconds before leaning out the window and exhaling. these were the most relaxing nights. you take a couple more hits before sitting there for a moment peacefully, enjoying this refreshing night. that was until you heard a knock on your door. you quickly panic, throwing your bong in your closet and reaching for the nearest can of air freshener. another knock this time followed by a familiar Scottish accent “You in there lass?” soap asked. you sigh in relief and go to open the door. “you scared the fuck outta me soap, I thought you were someone else.” you chuckled, tucking the towel back under the door after you closed it. “You've been smoking with other people besides me lass? I see how it is” Soap fake pouted while making himself comfortable on your bed. soap was the only other person on base you smoked with. He would sometimes join you in your parking lot smoke seshes. he was also your classic high school stoner but had cut back when he joined the military, but still would partake here and there, you being his main smoke buddy. “I thought you were price for a moment and I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes,” you say, walking to where you threw your bong in a moment of panic. luckily for you, nothing broke or spilled. you grab the piece and put it in your chair to pull another chair up for soap. you finally grab the bong and sit for a moment, letting out another sigh of relief. “price had a little bit too much to drink at the pub tonight, I doubt he’d even be able to walk down here right now without busting his arse” soap chuckled. You chuckled as well, handing soap the bong and your lighter. You watched how the moonlight illuminated his eyes. You’d be lying if you said you didn't have a thing for soap. He was the one who welcomed you the most when you first joined 141 and was probably the one you were the closest with. You’d also be lying if you said you both weren't flirty with each other, especially while you were under the influence. Flirty little remarks and shared glances were usually all it was but there were a couple of shared kisses and even a messy high makeout session that had happened between you two. A part of you hoped tonight would end similarly. You watched Soap as he took a hit, god that man looked heavenly in the moonlight. The way the moon reflected in his eyes was one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen. He was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. You swore you fell more in love with him at that moment, watching him as he blew the smoke from his lungs out the window and sat back with a sigh. “You got some good stuff, Bonnie, I'm already starting to feel it” he smiled at you, handing you the bong back. “only the best for you handsome,” you said, smirking at him before taking another hit yourself. The bong was passed back and forth a couple more times before you had to pack another bowl. “Wanna do the honors Johnny?” you ask him, handing him the bowl and your grinder. “Don't mind if I do” He took the items out of your hand and set them on your desk to get to work. You watched him as he did his magic, he somehow always managed to pack his bowls better than yours. “your so handsome when you pack my bowls for me Johnny” you flirted. “I think you just like making me do all the work lass” he laughed. “you also got a handsome laugh,” you said to him and he handed you the freshly packed bong back. “you take the first hit Johnny, you're the one who packed it” “well don't mind if I do.” One more bowl later and you guys were stoned out of your minds. “that’s probably the best weed I've smoked in ages y/n, where the hell did you get it” Johnny asked while looking up at you “I usually don't spill all my secrets but your just to damn cute for me to deny you that information” and you told him how you had gotten the chance to stock up on the good stuff last time you hit the dispensary. “you wanna go watch a movie bonnie?” soap had asked, looking at you with puppy dog eyes. “how could I say no to that pretty face of yours” you said as he offered to help you up. after you both had crawled into your bed and got comfy you decided to find something to watch. you clicked through all the streaming services you had but couldn't seem to find a movie y’all had wanted to watch. you dramatically sigh and click out of another streaming service “It's like every funny movie has been wiped off the planet or something.” you sigh, dropping the remote signifying you had given up on the movie search. “I know something else we can do,” Johnny said, and you knew by the smirk he wore on his face he was up to no good. “and what would that be handsome,” you asked and before you knew it he was crawling on top of you. he then embraced you in a kiss, to which you grab his face and return the kiss. you run your hands up to tug on his mohawk as he deepened the kiss. He slowly pushed you down on your bed, now laying on top of you. He sits up momentarily to slowly take his shirt off, teasing you.“I quite like this idea Johnny” You smile at him and give him a peck. “I want to take this further Bonnie,” Johnny says, avoiding your eyes as a light shade of pink dusted his cheeks. “Like what?” you asked playing innocent. “Let me show you?” you could only nod yes as he smiled brightly at you before kissing you again. This time the kiss moved down to your jaw until his mouth made your neck its home, sucking at nipping at your neck. Leaving hickies and kissing them to soothe them after. Your hand found its way back to his hair, slightly tugging at his hair when he would nip at your neck, causing you to let out a small moan. One of his hands found its way to your stomach, slipping under your shirt and roaming your torso. The other one stayed on your jaw, pulling you further into the kiss. You were so into the moment that you almost didn’t hear the knock at your door. You and Soap both shoot up and stare at the door before another knock rings through the door, “y/n don't make break the door down” a slightly aggravated ghost said through the door. You curse at yourself quietly “Just a minute” you yell towards the door, grabbing your stuff and throwing it in the closet. As you turn around you see another thing you have to hide, Soap. You bring a finger to your mouth signaling to him to stay quiet before you grab him and shove him in your closet and close the door behind him. You collect yourself for a second before opening the door. Ghost stood there wearing sweats and a T-shirt that showed off his muscles perfectly. “Sorry, I was naked,” you say, instantly regretting the excuse you made. “Price sent me to investigate a suspicious smell coming from your room.” Ghost said. Slightly pushing you aside to go into your room. You sit in the doorway watching Ghost search through your room, making sure to check every nook and cranny. You prayed to whatever holy thing you could as Ghost made his way to the closet. You don't know what would be worse, him finding the weed or one of his sergeants shirtless in your closet. You hoped the half-naked scot would distract your lieutenant from the weed. Ghost arrives in front of the closet, staring at it for a second before looking at you as he opened the door. He looks over to realize he is face to face with soap. You just sat there mortified. “Smoking and fucking other teammates y/n? You’re fucking asking to get in trouble.” You cant reply as you just stare at your lieutenant. “Price wants you in his office first thing tomorrow morning, and for you,” he said looking at the soap, “get your clothes back on and get to your room,” he said to soap. Soap quickly grabbed his shirt and scurried out of your room, not wanting to do anything to aggravate ghost anymore. “I'll let you keep your stuff, but you gotta let me join in” you hear ghost say from behind you. You turn around again and instantly take him up on his offer. “Just don't be so sloppy next time y/n, if you're gonna break the rules don't do it all at once.’ He patted your shoulder before squeezing by you to walk back to his room, leaving you to stand in your doorway still slightly in shock.

[northerngoshawk]

2, 12, 17 for the deep fic writer asks?

thanks for the ask hotwife!!

2. what's a fic that took you to an emotional/dark/hard place?

now, this is a hard question for me personally to answer, not because i have a lot, but because i have very little. i've mentioned this before, but i tend to be able to... "shut off" my emotions when i write/read, so to speak? i mean, while i can still feel deep down what i want to portray, it usually doesn't affect me to the point of draining me and/or inciting an outward emotional response.

with that being said, there IS a fic that, while i wouldn't necessarily say it took me to an emotional place, is rather dark and hard, and that was my vent fic no tears left to cry, which i rated M just for safety reasons. it's basically just me using Aang as a puppet to get rid of my lingering depressive episode feelings lol.

i did not have the best year during 2019-2020 (for reasons unrelated to the pandemic) and whew, it was bad. i did eventually recover from it, but one day, i was just browsing music when i came across songs that dealt primarly with themes of depression, and they brought me back to those days (and by that, i meant they just reminded me of those feelings without having me spiral lol). so i decided to write a fic about it and get rid of them, once and for all.

while i didn't get anywhere close to what i had been feeling when writing this fic, i did have to slip back into those shoes and recall all my conflicting thoughts and emotions i had during that time--it was the only way to make it feel authentic, and as i wrote it, i slipped more and more into that mindset i used to have while also being able to separate what past-me and current-me feels.

i'm not exactly proud of writing that fic, nor do i think there is any inherent value, but i did receive a few comments that told me how much it helped them and even how therapeutic it was, so i guess there was some good that came out of it lol

12. What’s your perfect environment to create/write?

basically my room: cozy, comfy, private, and... carpeted lol. carpet feels wayyy more cozy than tiled floors lol. tiled floors are way too clinical while carpet reminds me of home.

17. What’s the best engagement/interaction/feedback you’ve received from someone who’s read your work?

so this is actually from @chocomd for my fic The Dishonored Blade!! she left one of the most meaningful comments i have ever received on a fic, and to this day, i am still in disbelief over it.

this is what she wrote at the beginning of her comment:

First of all, I felt like I was reading a complete novella from beginning to end. Like something that I would find in a published anthology. Seriously, this is your best writing that I've read to date, and I've read most of your stuff already!

i just-- a novella?? my fic, the equivalent of a published anthology??? i-- 🥺🥺🥺

i think the thing that gets me the MOST about her comment is that this fic... is a niche AU almost no one would read. TDB was a fic i wrote just because i could, and i knew no one would read it. i still went all out with it, and to this day, i am still so very proud of myself for writing it. but without much engagement, i just... discarded it to the side and didn’t really think too much about it.

but seeing someone love it so much, someone who enjoyed it as much as i did writing it... it means so, so much, and words will never show just how grateful i am for such love 🥺😭💖💙💜

deep fic writer asks

[dojimakojima]

God I love Tim Rogers' writing so much. I haven't been able to shut up about it for months but his Boku video, A Coincidence of Jungles, and the Tokimeki Memorial video live rent free in my head.

Usually, once I have free time, I just put on one of his Kotaku videos. I know most of his 2019 videos by heart. I've probably seen the Death Stranding video 5 times, and the last 2 Let's Mosey videos like 8 times. I read a little bit of one of his older personal essays before bed. They always get me in an odd, contemplative mood.

My friends know how obsessive I can get over youtubers so I just hide it. Last year I got obsessed with this guy Mackerel Phones and started only watching/playing stuff he recommended. I did a similar thing in 2021 or so with Patricia Taxxon. This year I'm doing the same with Tim Rogers but I'm trying to go in a more positive direction.

I've tried to direct this energy into reading and writing. Which has been very successful! I've done more creative writing this year than any other year. Even if not all of it is posted, It's been very therapeutic. I was so inspired by his personal writing, I wrote a short essay about a depressive episode I had a few years ago. I wrote a fanfic about The 25th Ward. I have a 6k word script for a Silent Hill movie video that's nearly done and should be out by October. I wrote a script for a short film that's probably never going to be made. Aside from the personal essay, none of it is especially "Tim rogers"-esque but I probably couldn't have felt inspired and energized to write it without his stuff.

I finished reading Antkind by Charlie Kaufman which I'd been chipping away at for years. I read Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami. Which Tim has talked about a dozen times. I'm 5/6ths through The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle which I had to take a break from because it was making me extremely anxious. While this may not sound like much, this has been probably the most "for fun" reading I've done in a year.

I finally watched A Brighter Summer Day after putting it off for years. I watched Robocop and Heist, which I probably wouldn't have watched without him. I beat Earthbound because he was doing a review of it. I've listened to a couple Number Girl albums, and an Eiichi Ohtaki album. Oh, and I'm also trying to learn Japanese for fun (the real reason is so I can play Tokimeki Memorial). I use Duolingo and a couple online resources. I'm pretty ok at it, I started back in January, and I can sound-out Katakana and Hiragana with a lot of confidence, I know a hundred or so basic words and phrases and I can read a little bit. I'm still learning a lot of the basic Kanji but, I'm not in a hurry, I'll get there eventually.

His stream the other day gave me such genuine shaking elation, seeing him back and energized after thieves stole his stuff the week previous just gave me so much hope.

The way he structures his phrases and his word choice just gets at the core of my being.

Can't wait for that L.A. Noire video.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 11 Mar 2019

Having fun, eh? How are you doing? I am sure that you are still hurting but kudos to you! getting better each day! You have already did a lot of things, I know its a long long way, but youve already started it.

Its okay to be sad at times, no one is stopping you from feeling that way. Your feelings are valid. And dont ever think that you are weak for feeling sad. Just dont go back to anything/anyone that brought you pain.

Keeping yourself busy is helping you, please, please, continue being productive. Dont let any frustrations get into you. You need to build yourself up again.

You did it before, you can do it again.

Fast forward! I did it! Visited my old journal and I found this. Grabe! it felt like a century ago! To be honest, I have forgotten most of what happened! One of my bestfriends told me that I am so good at repressing memories! hahaha! I guess, it was legit painful for me that my brain pushed all the bad things to my unconscious. lolz.

I am trying to recall events, but I can't clearly remember. I just know that it hurt so bad that I want to start anew. I deleted everything, didnt leave a single convo from any social platforms. I also unfollowed and unfriended people who are not good for me. During those times, I want to disappear! I was even praying to God to give me amnesia! hahaha!

What happened last 2019 was super strange to me, I wasn't broken because someone left me. I was heartbroken because I failed myself. I betrayed myself in many ways. I allowed things to happen even though I am aware that I'll regret the outcome. I was heartbroken because I hurt myself and I hurt other people.

_________________________

2023 UPDATE!

i'm cleaning up my tumblr drafts, i wrote this last year. i dont know why i didnt share it. lol. i just realized that i've been blogging my life since i was a teen and here i am, turning 30 and still doing it :D i'm glad i documented my life. i know it's weird coz i dont want this to be out in the public but writing is therapeutic for me and i'll never get tired of blogging.

anyway, there's a strange feeling after reading the post. i know that it happened but i cant remember the exact feeling. and i am happy about it lol i sure dont want to experience that again. but there was a point in my life before that it hurts so much that i thought i will never get over the pain. and now it's gone. everything will pass. :)

funny coz while writing this, so yesterday by hilary duff is playing

Laugh it off and let it go and When you wake up it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

[that-was-anticlimactic]

about to write a rap poem about how horribly customers treat fast food employees for poetry class tomorrow lol

[trigun-manga-overhaul]

Trigun Ultimate Overhaul Update - Unreleased Promotional Material and Origin Story.

OVERHAUL FRIDAY 12/23/22 - PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL AND ORIGIN STORY.

It's been four years since the project started and the goal has never changed. The only thing that really changed was the scope of it and how much material was needed to keep people interested and all the edits made in connection with that. It started as a single man undertaking but eventually grew to have a consistent team of three, along with a few guest helpers here and there.

In this post we'll share the story of how the project came to be and then a few iterations of these edits we've made.

(Above: Early Overhaul promotional edit.)

THE STORY

To briefly tell the story of how we got here, we've got to go back to 2018.

It started with me, the project leader, D, getting into Trigun in November of 2018. Being a relatively new fan, I have learned a lot in the brief time I've been in this fandom and community, actually, it was pretty dead when I came around. I had no intention of being alone in my newfound interest, so I wanted to start get things going and wrote up a plan for how I wanted to revive the fandom as a whole.

At the same time, I started checking up on the history of the fandom in every corner it existed, learning more and more about what has happened in the past and where everyone went. During that dive I learned about people's displeasure over the manga and how there were two translations. I realized quickly afterwards that I had seen both in my desire to read the manga back at the start, and that I had found the Scanlation first but immediately dropped it due to the horrible quality and went on to find the Dark Horse Comics translation.

But what I few from fans of the past, a repeated notion between more dedicated fans, was that the Dark Horse Comics translation was also subpar and that the writing was off, something I agreed with.

I've always been a very determined person and a perfectionist, so it was just a matter of time before I decided to be the one to make that new translation. I got all the files I needed and started working on a method for preparing them, planning out everything I needed done before I really could get to work. I was doing all of this in the background while I made daily content for the subreddit in early 2019, back when there were only about 2000 people. I also started a Trigun Discord server, TriCord, at the time, wanting to connect with as many people as possible.

(Above: The thumbnail for the Spotify playlist "Dancing Revolver.")

I spent the next months cleaning pages. I was removing text and redrawing bubbles and backgrounds as needed, as well as removing compression from the downloaded pages to make them clear and crisp. Some would see it as tedious work but I personally quite enjoyed it. It was pretty therapeutic and a nice way to unwind after coming home from work.

On a more personal note, it was also really nice to have this project on the side when things went a little sideways. Within the span of a single week both my parents were suddenly hospitalized and I had to temporarily move into a room at their house, so that I could look after them when they came back from hospital, as they required care. My mom was wheelchair bound for a month and then used crutches for a while afterwards, and my dad was very ill. With all that worry, it was vital to be able to clear my mind with a bit of creative work. My dad was diagnosed with cancer then, but through a successful operation, he made a full recovery and has been cancer free since.

A month or so later, I finished the entire cleaning process, allowing me to tackle the translation finally.

(Above: A black background variation of the 10/29/21 release.)

In retrospective, there's a ton about the earliest translations that I want to change in the new version, as my skill have vastly improved since. I have more experience and the tools I have have grown, so I would be able to do a better job today than back then, another reason why 2.0 is needed before I'm satisfied with the work done.

In late 2019 I had some help looking over pages I've already translated and typeset, just to get a better sense for what I need to look out for. This is the first time I'm actually working with anyone on the project, having been handling the planning and work alone before this. However, those who were kind to help me out didn't have all the time in the world to help out whenever it was needed, and they weren't as deeply into the process I was, so it was difficult for a few people to get a feel for what I wanted exactly.

I had a stable work partner from November 2019 and to July 2020 but then that partnership went silent. It wasn't before the summer of 2020 that I ended up with one of my current stable partners for the project, someone who really brought the quality of the writing to a whole new level. That partner being Vulpana. With our combined set of skills, I personally feel like the final results of our writing that improved greatly.

Later the second work partner, Arth, would join. With a sharp eye for all the technicalities of writing, as well as a much less constantly tired eye on all the work, we have reached as good as the text can get. I am very happy with the work we're doing together, the feel of it and the coherency. We work really well together and our communication is professional and fantastic.

(Above: The first version of the credit page for Trigul Vol 2.)

It was also through encouragement from various parties that I decided to list the Overhaul project on my CV while looking for another job. As I personally didn't see the point in listing a nerdy project, others insisted it couldn't hurt and that the project in of itself is impressive.

I had to eat my own words in late 2021 though, as I ended up getting offered a job as a professional translator for a respected international theater anthropology organization. They expressed their interest in my project, noting that they were impressed by the personal dedication to translate and formulate for fun. I gladly accepted the position, of course, and it became my dream job. Been working that position since and it has both helped my project and my project has helped it.

As there's not much else to say, I'll share a few more images as promised! Enjoy!

(Above: Early idea for the credit page for Trigun Vol 2.)

(Above: Spotify thumbnail for the upcoming Overhaul work theme playlist.)

MORE INFO NEXT WEEK!

[orlissa]

For therapeutic purposes, here is the full story of the person who owes me a buttload of money.

So, her name is Imola--she is an old family friend, my mom used to work for her mom, doing embroidery and stuff, when I was a kid. I’ve known her for ever. She is about 15 years older than me, married with two kids, a seamstress by profession.

The fall of 2016 she got this idea that she wanted to buy a small, already operating store selling vintage home decor, but she didn’t have enough money for it. At the time I was doing my MA, my parents were still supporting me, and was doing translation on the side, so I had some savings--and so Imola had this idea to borrow from me. To this day I stand by my word that mom my pressured into it, although she says otherwise. Anyway, I did end up lending Imola 1.3 million forint, which would be about $3600 today, but like during the first two years of my phd, aka the first time I had a steady monthy income, I got 140.000 forint (~$390), and that was enough to live on. We even wrote a contract, signed by a notary public, which was Imola’s idea, and she even paid for it. As per the contract, she was to pay me back my money by February 28, 2017 in one sum, with no interest (but if she didn’t pay on time, she’d have to pay a 10% interest, which part I completely forgot about until last year, but which also means that by now the full sum she is to pay back to me is nearly 2 million forint).

She didn’t pay by the deadline, and I didn’t force it, partially because “she is a family friend, she has been helping us [my parents] out a lot” and partially because, as a seamstress, she would help me out with cosplay stuff (although she would half-ass it to a point that some of the stuff she made for me could be worn only once, with no chance of repearing it). One of the things she made was a skirt for a steampunk corset I bought. That steampunk outfit was my dream for years. This will be important.

Some time later, I want to say 2018-2019, but I don’t actually remember, she asked to borrow the whole steampunk outfit and my other, green corset (which was part of my Enchantress cosplay, which included a miniskirt made of chiffon and satin ribbons) so she could display it in her shop window. She said that in exchance she’d make a similar skirt for the green corset as well. I did lend her these outfits, I even saw the steampunk one in her store window.

At some point after this, she silently sold the store. She still didn’t pay me back, nor did she give back my dresses. At this point I was heavily pressuring her into doing both, reminding her of her debt and my stuff, but she remained dismissive, showing a kind of “I’ll do it when I do it, don’t worry about it” attitude.

Come October 2020, when finally, after months of begging, she got around to bringin back my steampunk dress (only that one; I still haven’t seen my green corset). I was excited, because I was having a little Samhain get together with my friends (all complying with covid restrictions), and I wanted to wear that. Only I couldn’t: the boning of the corset was in channels made from faux leather, and while the dress was at Imola’s/on display, the faux leather ripped, and the boning was poking out in several places. It was unwearable. I cried for two hours. That was the last straw. I talked with Imola about it, she “apologized” and said she’d repair it (the only way to repair it is to change all the boning channels on it, which I doubt she did). She took it away some weeks later. That was 1,5 years ago. She still hasn’t returned it.

Done with her bullshit, I made an ultimatum the next year: either she starts paying her debt in installments starting in March (as the end of February was the 4th anniversary of her original deadline), or I’m taking this to court. The original agreement then was she had to pay at least 50.000 forint (~$140) a month (once again: her full debt is nearly 2 million by now), and if she misses two months in a row, I’m taking this to court. Which led to her paying basically every other month.

January this year I told her this won’t do, we’re changing the terms: she is to pay every month by the 25th, and if she misses that, I’m taking this to court. She said okay. She basically never pays by the 25th. She missed the March payment, paid it in early April. Had to remind her two or three times that she needs to pay the April amount in April as well. And now she is saying she can’t pay in May. With the current pace, she’ll ba paying me for at least 3-4 more years. And let’s not talk about my ruined dress and my emotional distress. I’m... I’m done.

[crowdedimagines]

Leaked Pt. 2 - Harry Styles

PART ONE

Harry and I follow Gemma back into the house. I cross my arms over my chest, fighting the chill from outside that seems to linger in my bones now. We take a seat back at the table, everyone seems to be stressed and tired of talking, I don’t blame them. I’m thankful Harry and I got a break from it.

“Alright, so we were able to detect what they had access to and what was downloaded from the online server.” Andrew, whose name I learned, says looking at both Harry and I to explain.

“So what else did they get?” Harry questions, he sits up a little straighter in his chair.

“It looks like they also had access to some audio files.”

“Audio files?”

“What? The studio version of medicine?” I tease, assuming that whatever it was can’t be too bad. Harry’s had songs leak before, even if it’s something that ended up being scrapped it can’t be the end of the world. It can’t be as bad as a leaked image of us across twitter.

“No, it looks like they only took several files dated July 15th of 2019.”

“July 15th?” I raise my brows.

“What happened-” Harry starts to question the significance, but it instantly clicks for me. All of the humor and lightheartedness I had is knocked right out of me.

“Fuck-” I pull my hair back over my shoulder. The chill that clung to my bones is gone now, now I can feel myself break out into a sweat. Harry turns to look at me and as soon as our eyes meet I can tell that it’s clicked for him as well.

“It’s our song” Harry states, his voice so quiet that I’m sure not everyone in the room caught it. His voice is soft and low, barely registering.

“Your song?” Anne prompts, her face full of concern as she notice’s the color that’s completely drained from our faces.

“Can we clear out the room for a few minutes?” Harry asks, he takes his hand in mine and nods for Anne and Gemma to fill the seats that have now been vacated.

“Can I?” Harry looks at me for permission before continuing. I give him a soft smile and nod, at this point I’m glad they’ll know. I’d rather they know than the whole world.

“July 15th was the day Y/n and I got back from the hospital.” Harry swallows, “The day before Y/n had suffered a miscarrige.”

The silence in the room is louder than I could’ve expected. Gemma and Anne look at each other, obviously shocked before turning their attention back to us. Their expressions seem just as solemn now.

“So the audio file is?” Gemma looks between us confused.

“So together we wrote a song for our daughter.” I nod, tears slipping without being able to stop them.

“It was really therapeutic, I think we both sobbed through practically the whole thing.” He looks to me and I just nod and agree. Harry’s hand still hasn’t left mine.

“I’m sorry that you guys had to find out this way.” I pull my head up to finally make eye contact. Tears are still slowly streaming, but I’m able to blink past them, “We had been so excited to tell you guys that we were expecting and it was only a few weeks after that we had already lost her.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Anne says, her eyes filling up with tears of her own at this point.

“So this was right before you guys broke up.” Gemma realizes, “Is that-?”

She doesn’t seem to be able to finish her own thought. The air in the room is a little too heavy. If I wasn’t drained before, I am now.

“Partly.” Harry nods.

“It wasn’t a lie that the stress of always being apart tore us apart, but going through something like that and then having to fly across the world. We didn’t get to heal from that together, and it ruined our relationship.”

Third Person POV

Slowly the group makes their way back in. Harry makes it very clear to all of them that they need to do everything in their power to stop that audio file from seeing the light of day. It crushed him to see the defeated look on Y/n’s face. She looks exhausted. Harry can’t pull his eyes from her saddened face every couple of seconds. The last thing he wants is for her to feel emotionally exposed as well as physically.

“Y/n, why don’t we go off to bed.” Anne gets up from her spot and places a gentle hand on the younger girl's shoulder. She only nods and lets Anne lead her up stairs. No one else at the table comments, no one dares. Harry’s eyes follow her as Anne wraps an arm around her shoulder and they walk up the stairs.

Anne leads her to Harry’s room, knowing that she was bound to stay there after everything that’s happened today. No one can blame her for being so tired, it was only a few hours ago that she landed. She’s had her body exposed to the world and now there’s the potential for one of the most intimate parts of her to be exposed as well. Today has been the day from hell for Y/n.

Y/n changes into one of Harry’s shirts and tucks herself in under the covers. It’s been over a year since she’s been in this bed. Anne comes back in to check on her, noticing her eyelids are falling heavy as they talk.

Anne curls up in the sitting chair on the other side of the master bedroom. It doesn’t feel right to leave her alone right now in this state and she doesn’t exactly feel like participating in the conversations downstairs anymore. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth hearing people speak so casually over something so personal.

It’s a few hours later when Harry makes his way upstairs and he’s surprised to see either of them in his room. He looks like the definition of exhausted. His mom looks up from her book and glances over to see that Y/n is still asleep.

“Is she alright?” Harry asks, looking at the girl curled up in his bed.

“She will be.” Anne sets down the book. She pulls the blanket off of her shoulders and folds it up neatly.

“Did you guys get anything decided?” Anne questions, making her way over to her son by the door.

“Yeah, Jordan and Jeff both agree that it might be in our best interest to release a statement. If it gets out we’ll obviously need to address it. They want to talk it over again tomorrow morning once Y/n is feeling a bit better.”

“Sounds great, love.” Anne presses a soft kiss to his cheek before letting herself out.

Harry breaks his stare on the love of his life so he can get ready for bed himself. He brushes his teeth and does his night routine as quietly as he can. From what he remembers, it always used to wake Y/n up anyway, but she’s exhausted.

He finally finishes up and hovers over his side of the bed, unsure if he should cross that line. Sure she’s laying in his bed, but that doesn’t mean it’s an open invitation for them to share the bed.

“Just get in already.” Her voice surprises Harry. Her eyes didn’t even flinch to open. Harry doesn’t need to be told twice, he slides in on his side.

“What are we going to tell the fans?” Her voice a soft echo in the silence.

Harry lets out a long sigh, moving to lay on his back.

“I don’t know. How much do we want them to know? Neither of us have ever let the fans in like this before.”

“But aren’t they going to figure it out anyway? We know that they’re smart, and our lyrics were hardly veiled.”

“I think I would rather tell them. If we can’t stop it from getting out there, I would want to avoid as many conspiracy theories as possible. How do you feel about it?”

Y/n reaches out her hand to connect it with Harry’s. His head snaps over to look at her and she’s staring down at where her fingers fiddle with his rings.

“I feel comfortable with that. The whole world is going to know now.”

His words fill the silence, Y/n only letting out a sigh in response.

“I should call my parents and let them know. Y/S/N too. They deserve to know before the story breaks.”

Y/n shifts back onto her side facing away from him, letting Harry’s hand drop in the process. He turns to his side, facing the same direction as her. She turns back, looking over her shoulder towards him.

“Thank you.” Her voice a soft whisper, her eyes meeting his after glancing over his bare chest.

“What for?” He clears his throat, his voice catching from speaking so softly.

“For being you Harry. For being understanding and loving in spite of everything.” She turns back to rest her head back on the pillow, “I don’t think there’s anyone else I would want to have to go through this with.”

Harry scoots closer, he hovers his arm over her waist before settling it when there weren’t any protests. Y/n places her hand on top of his, holding it securely against her.

“I will always love you, Y/n. I wish we didn’t have to go through this, but I’m glad to have you too.”

Those are the last words they exchange that night.

Y/n’s POV

The sun is rising, alerting me that I need to get up and get ready. I manage to snake my way out of Harry’s grasp before he can wake up as well. I make my way to the bathroom and take a long shower.

“Jordan brought in your suitcase last night.” Harry informs.

“Oh, great. Thank you!”

He simply nods before going into the bathroom himself to get ready for the morning. I wrap the towel a little tighter around my body and quickly make my way downstairs to grab my bag. By the time I get back to Harry’s room I can hear the water running in the shower. It gives me enough time to get dressed and escape down to the kitchen before he exits.

“Good morning!” Anne smiles from her spot at the stove.

“Morning.” I smile, I take a seat next to a sleepy Gemma.

“This coffee isn’t even helping.” Gemma groans, throwing her head on my shoulder and closing her eyes.

“That’s because Mum made it.” Harry says as he walks in with a wet head, “Have Y/n make the next batch. That’ll surely get you wide awake.”

“Sounds like an excuse to get my world famous coffee if you ask me.” I eye him with a smile.

“You caught me, love.” He grabs plates for everyone and starts setting the table, noticing his mother is getting close to being done with all the food. I tap Gemma softly on the shoulder so I can get up and make a new pot of coffee. Harry always used to tell me my coffee was his favorite, it always packed a punch.

We all settle at the table, Harry with a large mug of the hot coffee.

“Anne, everything looks wonderful.” I smile looking over everything she’s prepared.

“Thank you.” She grins.

We all dig in, too hungry to prolong it anymore.

“What time is everyone getting here?” I ask, mainly waiting for Harry to answer.

“Within the hour.”

“Have you guys decided what you’re going to do?” Gemma sets down her fork to look at the both of us, prompting me to turn and look at Harry.

“We’re going to tell the fans. We want them to hear it from us, take away the power from the person who hacked my phone.” Harry explains.

“Yeah, that reminds me. I need to call my parents.” I dab the corners of the mouth with a napkin before excusing myself.

Harry’s POV

I watch as Y/n leaves the room to make the call privately.

“So, how is she?” Anne asks, focusing on me.

“With all things considered, I think she’s doing alright.” I take a sip of the coffee that’s still warm, “We both agreed that we’re going to tell the fans today. Clarify a few things.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Gemma nods.

“Me too. It’s nice having her here again.” My mum smiles looking at me.

“Mum, don’t go there.” I warn.

“I didn’t mean anything by it!” She defends, “I just said it’s nice.”

“She’s right.” Gemma chimes in, “Y/n has always been our favorite. We all know that your story with her is far from over.”

I simply shake my head, knowing better than to argue with these two. It’s a short while later Y/n makes a reappearance, her eye’s red and puffy.

“Alright, everyone’s in the know.” She sighs.

Right on que there’s a knock on the door. I’m sure it’s just starting that our teams are showing up. Ready to start a new day.

“Alright, so Harry said that you guys agreed on putting out a statement. We can get started on that today. We need to decide how we want to do it, we have a few options.” Jordan explains, “We can type up a statement from both of you and release it on social media or if you guys wanted to say something.”

“Like a video?” Y/n asks.

“Exactly. It’s totally up to you guys, it’s a matter of preference.” Jeff cuts in, “Sometimes it's a little more comfortable to do it that way so you can say exactly what you want and people can hear your tone, but at the same time it’s a lot more personal this way.”

“What do you want to do?” Y/n suddenly turns to get my opinion.

“I’m fine with either-”

“C’mon, what’s your head saying.” She has a soft knowing smile on her face. I smile back at her because how could I not.

“I think that if we’re coming clean and trying to be honest about things, it could be good to have it actually coming from our mouths.”

“I agree.” She turns back to look at Jordan and Jeff, “So how exactly do we go about that?”

“So we’ll start by-”

Jeff stops speaking as his phone buzzes, he glances down quickly and his eyes widen for a second. Whatever it is it’s enough to have completely captured his attention.

“What is it?” I ask, I start spinning one of my rings subconsciously. It takes what feels like minutes of pure silence, but in actuality it’s only a few seconds for him to answer.

“The audio file is out.”

Fuck.

~

i’m sorry for all the switching of POVs but that’s the best way i felt I could communicate how i wanted things to go. 

PART 3?!?! how are we feeling? mini series?

[soundsof71]

FIVE ALBUMS YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

aka, My Top 5 of 2020, but I didn’t want to seem too retro!

Yep, I have a classic rock blog. Yep, I think that the best rock and roll in history is being made RIGHT NOW. And yep, ALL of it is being made by women. 

(Shown at top, Nova Twins by Ant Adams [x] and The Tissues by Michael Espleta [x]. I was planning to make a collage of all my faves in concert, but  not all of them were able to play in 2020. Both of these photos are pre-pandemic.)

There’s been quite a bit of movement on this list, and all five of these have spent some time at Number 1 as the year has done (gestures broadly) All This™. Anyone looking for rock and roll is going to dig any of these. 

Rocking out is just the start of it, though. Wrestling with my bipolarity and schizophrenia is tough on a good day, and there haven’t been too many of those lately. The plague has also taken its toll around me, with two family members dead and a third who’s doing better, but will likely never be all the way back. (Mask up, kids!)

I’ve written plenty about how deeply Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers have moved me this year (and will do so again), but in those rare stretches where I’ve had enough spare energy to listen to music at all these days, I’ve mostly been looking for more than beautiful music. Heavy times need heavy lifting, and I find that in heavy music. 

The five albums here have all helped carry me, pointing the way toward light.

1) BULLY, SUGAREGG

Alicia Bognanno is a force of nature as a guitarist, vocalist, composer, and producer/engineer. (While working on her degree in audio engineering at MTSU, she interned with Steve Albini, who remains both a fan and an admirer). A Nashville transplant from Minnesota, she’s still a natural fit in her home on Sub Pop: as heavy as Soundgarden, as hooky as Sleater-Kinney. 

I was blown away hearing her searing honesty while working through her discoveries of her bisexuality and bipolarity (double bi!), and her triumphant roar lifts me out of my seat every time I listen.

“She sings the hell out of [these songs], her voice fraying to the point of combustion every time she launches to the top of her range. This is phenomenal music for converting anger and anxiety into unbound joy.” ~Stereogum, Album of the Week

Also, check this fantastic interview with Alicia in the New York Times talking about what she’s gone through to get here. 

TURN IT UP!

2) GANSER, LOOK AT THAT SKY

Ganser syndrome is a rare dissociative disorder characterized by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions and other dissociative symptoms such as fugue, amnesia or conversion disorder, often with visual pseudohallucinations and a decreased state of consciousness. ~Wikipedia #it me

‘Just Look At That Sky’ doesn’t presume to offer solutions; it’s an honest document of what it feels like to wade through anxiety, day by day, not a survival guide or handbook of answers none of us actually have. Whether or not you pay attention to this, Ganser are simply one of the most invigorating, exciting new bands. ~Clashmusic

I saw one very positive review compare Ganser to a cross between Fugazi and Sonic Youth, but I think they hit much, much harder than either of those. And as you can surely guess, I also deeply relate to their themes of mental illness and dissociation while trying to make it through All This™. But my god, are they TIGHT. This is a BAND.

Ganser has two fantastic lead vocalists, and on “Bad Form”, bassist/vocalist Alicia Gaines wrote the song for the voice of keyboardist/vocalist Nadia Garofolo. Alicia also wrote a FANTASTIC essay on the strains that making an album during a pandemic puts on the mental health of the entire band at talkhouse: “Writing, recording, reaching out, balancing relationships outside and within the band, I found (and still find) myself under-rested and agitated to no particular end. More than not doing enough, I was not enough.” 

(If you can’t relate to that, I can’t relate to you, tbh.)

This video also does a fantastic job of showing dissociation. TURN IT UP!

3) THE TISSUES, BLUE FILM

“Blue Film” is a ten-song shot of dagger-twisting electro-(s)punk. It’s completely addictive from the very first listen. The tour de force is “Rear Window”, an art-punk masterpiece of slashing guitars and mad caterwauling. Copious doses of jaunty poetics and social commentary reward the earlooker patient enough to untangle Kristine Nevrose’s hysterical meowing about intergalactic salt shakers and hysterectomies, but I’m too emotionally invested to look under the hood.” ~ Sputnik Music

“Rear Window” is in fact my most-played 2020 track. TURN IT UP!

4) GUM COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE

It’s not all heavy! But even when I’m looking for something light and hooky, I need a bite, and Gum Country has done it with the kind of swirly, feeedback-laden wall of sound that Lush or Yo La Tengo would make if they lived in LA. (Recent transplants to SoCal from Vancouver, I do think that the sunshine has gone straight to their heads, in the very best way.)

Indie music nerds will know guitarist/composer/singer/front woman Courtney Garvin from The Courtneys, and she really does throw up a glorious wall of sound. I adore this video too! Sweet, swinging, fun -- and yes, the drummer is playing keyboard with one hand while slapping the skins with the other! 

I mentioned earlier that all five of these albums have spent part of the year at #1 on my list -- I think that this one might have spent the longest stretch there. Like all shoegaze, even as hooky as this, the truth of these songs is revealed in VOLUME. TURN IT UP!

5) NOVA TWINS, WHO ARE THE GIRLS?

Now, THIS is heavy! Amy Lee (vocals, guitar) and Georgia South (bass) are fucking LOUD, and insanely intense. A mix of grime, hip-hop, metal, punk, and good old rock and roll, they’re a harder-hitting, more theatrical Prodigy, with a pyre of intensity that recalls the heaviest howls of Rage Against The Machine. Indeed, Nova Twins spent a good bit of 2019 playing heavy metal festivals and toured as openers for Prophets of Rage. (Tom Morello has been a fan and supporter from the beginning.)

As you may have noted in the photo at the top of this post, their musical audacity extends to visuals too: they design their own clothes, hair, and makeup, they art direct their own videos, and more. They impress the hell out of me, and I’ve been a huge fan since hearing their first singles in 2018. I’ll plant a flag and say that Georgia South in particular is the most innovative musician on any instrument in any genre right now, but they’re both absolutely monsters. 

I’m honestly not at all sure that #5 is high enough for this, but I’m absolutely certain that after this video, you’re gonna need to rest for a little. LOL

“Taxi” is the story of two gleefully and creatively violent women shaking up the local crime syndicate as they use a vintage cab for their moving murder scene. This is the movie that Robert Rodriguez wishes he was making with Sin City, if it were combined with Blade Runner and The Matrix. And gangsters. And a snake.

I’m gonna take your crown I’m gonna, I’m gonna bleed you out We demand it by the hour We devour, control, power

I’m gonna burn it down Even the, even the royals bow

So not the same kind of therapeutic work being explored on this rekkid, but you know what? Fucking shit up is therapeutic too! 

Definitely take this full screen, and for the love of fuck, TURN IT UP!

SO. Not done with the best of 2020 yet? I’m sure not! A lot of my favorite songs aren’t on albums (at least not yet), so for an unedited list of everything I’m finding, check out my Spotify list, 2020: Shuffle This List! 268 songs and counting, over 15 hours, and not finished yet. I’m still checking out everyone else’s Best of lists (including yours! Message me links to yours!!!), so will probably be adding to this for most of 2021, too. 

And for more banging tracks by women from 2020, plus a few 2019 gems that I’m still grooving to, check out my more thoroughly curated Spotify playlist Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam. (You’ll see a couple of these tracks there!) I’m working on a YouTube playlist and an essay to properly roll that one out. I’m also still tweaking the ending, but the three dozen or so tunes there are definitely bangin’.

Tell me if you hear anything you dig here, and tell me what YOU’VE found! We’re gonna get through this together.

Yr pal, Timmy

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

🌹 - ɟ

Hiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 You know how it works by now. These are the answers to the asks Mari/Stuck sent me. And happy Valentine’s Day to you all!! 🌹🌹 Enjoy 🙃

 A lot of people have been interested in them, dear Anon. From managers, to publicists, to sponsors, partnerships, producers, etc., etc. and no, it was never a problem between them. That’s part of their job.

 No, dear Anon. Camila and Ashlee are best friends. Ash ships/ped Camren. She has helped them a lot of times. I know why you thought this. Just as I know it may seem that Ash takes advantage of Camila because she created a lot of videos with her, made two songs about her, and brings her up at every opportunity, but it’s not what it seems. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to emerge as an artist in that world? Do you have any idea how many artists there are out there that you’ll never hear about because they’ll never make it to the top? Why do you know Ashlee? Thanks to 5H. Without having been their guitarist, you wouldn’t even know she existed. The fans that Juno has, are Harmonizers/Camilizers and some that she managed to make herself afterwards.

Ash is a real friend to our Mila. She has helped her more times than we could ever know, even by leaving the tour to help her friend. And Camila’s the same for her. Did you know that on June 13, 2020, in the face of the Black Lives Matter Movement she helped Ashlee sponsor a free scholarship for 20 black students to participate in the JUNO’s Guitar Bootcamp to help them create more opportunities in that field in their future? [Diana Foster, who I believe is her girlfriend or a great friend of hers anyway, also helped] Why on earth would Camila willingly help someone who ‘presumably’ would be taking advantage of her friendship? May I suggest you go watch one of the last videos they have together in Camila’s backstage? It dates back to 2019. Go watch it, dear Anon, and tell me if you don’t get an automatic smile on your lips.

 Forgive me, Anon, with all due respect speaking, but what are you saying? “Camila has made mistakes (she has not been the best girlfriend possible)?” Are you for real? What are you talking about? Camila made her mistakes, but so did Lauren. So why are you only pointing the finger at Camila? Did you pay attention to their story? Did you hear/see what Lauren said on the podcast? Have you ever listened to their songs WELL? Because apparently, you didn’t. A couple is made up of two people and mistakes are made by two, not just by one.

 No, dear Anon. Closer was never a song of hers in the first place, let alone one she could sell. The Chainsmokers wanted her in the song. She recorded a rough demo for them and then turned it down. I know that when she turned it down and they passed it on to Halsey, she wrote and contributed to some of the lyrics (she appears as a songwriter in the credits), so I believe she wrote those in the place of the ones Mila wrote in her version, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if Camila had the time to write her part like Ashley (Halsey) did, or if she directly recorded the demo as she did with The Middle. Until it’s leaked, we won’t have an answer.

The fact is that Closer was simply a project that was proposed to her when she was still in 5H and that she turned down because 7/27 was about to come out. Just as she declined to participate in Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood music video for them (5H). And I still wonder how the haters still consider her a bitch 🙄🙄

 Ligas, or hair bands, or también se dice colitas, verdad? Or hair ties as I like to call them, were originally Lauren’s. Lauren had two on her wrist at X-Factor and then, magically, one ended up on Camila’s wrist. I personally think that was their first symbol, but of friendship. And no, dear Anon, they didn’t replace the rings. The rings didn’t yet exist at that time. If the rings were one of their symbols of love, the hair ties were symbols of friendship, at least in the beginning.

P.S. dear Anon, I would like that as soon as you finish reading this post, you’d type ‘garters’ on Google and click directly on images 🤣 I really, REALLY, love you for this, believe me 😉❤️

 I watched all the interviews held in Spain in 2015 and you can see the differences, dear Anon. The two interviews with Revista Bravo and the one with Vodafone Yu are more or less normal. There’s tension between all of them because the big mess had recently happened. But in Alyson’s one with NSP PROJECTS and the one with LOS40 in which Alyson is in as well… Gosh… Your second question is my answer, dear Anon. Yes, they broke up, but that was even before they went to Europe.

As for your last question, on the one hand, I think she was single, attracted to the interviewer, and that she didn’t have to be accountable to anyone because being single, she could do whatever she wanted. But on the other hand, I think it may have been done on purpose for revenge since they’ve always played these jealousy games. I don’t think she managed to control herself though. It shows in both of those interviews, although it’s much more evident in the one with NSP PROJECTS. I don’t think she really realized the gravity of what she was doing because she was too wrapped up in Alyson and too busy in impressed her than everything else. I don’t think she noticed, at least not during the interviews, how hurt Lauren was.

I don’t want to tell you yes or no if her behavior was correct or not, simply because I don’t know if she did it because as I said she was single and didn’t have to answer to anyone, or if she did it out of revenge because she wanted Laur to be jealous. My instinctive response would be that it wasn’t corrected because of the effect it had on Laur who was also going through the dark diary period, but I don’t really know why Mila did what she did. She may have had her reasons, and maybe knowing them, my answer would be different, or the same. I don’t know because I don’t know the reasons behind this. Lauren has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Camila, and Camila has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Lauren. They’ve hurt each other many times. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. So I prefer to abstain because, at least in this case, I don’t feel like judging something I don’t know. Much less point the finger.

 Hi @ camilalauren0327 😄👋🏼 yeah, writing is therapeutic for them, as it is for many other people, myself included. Dancing was for me as well. Many people find it therapeutic to play sports, others find it in various forms of art, etc., etc.

I don’t know if Camren did couples therapy 🤷🏻‍♀‍ I think if they really did it, they did it after 5H.

Doctors of all kinds, and therefore also psychologists, consultants, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. are bound by the federal law HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act). Many therapists themselves indeed, prefer to establish confidentiality limits even before starting therapy. For example, the fact that they’re required to maintain therapy content is established regardless, but with you, they can determine who they can contact with your written permission, or if they can’t contact anyone. If YOU client prefer it, you can also establish that outside those four walls, you’re not really in therapy and that therefore if you meet your therapist in a supermarket, for example, they’ll pretend not to know you and will not acknowledge you at all in order to protect your client-therapist confidentiality. So, at the end of the day, it really depends on you and what you establish with your therapist.

This, however, is sometimes not enough for celebrities. Those who really, but really care about privacy and don’t want to take risks, require their therapist to also sign an NDA as a backup and reinforcement plan, so that it covers everything, including sections that HIPAA doesn’t administer.

Both, dear @camilalauren0327, and hi again 👋🏼😊 In the Consequences video and on the day of Say You Won’t Let Go she was paying tribute to Lauren and to the old Camila. For Consequences, that was one of the many symbols we find in the video that served as a clue. For Say You Won’t Let Go it was yes a tribute to Lauren and to old Camila, but it was more of a message for her. The song was for her, the bow was for her, and the rose on her pants was for her. It was like: “Hey, I’m still here. I’m still me. See the bow? See the rose? The song? It’s all for you. The title of the song already speaks for itself. Let’s try again”. That was indeed still the period of rapprochement between them. As for the other times she wore it, and I remember that she even wore it around her neck on more than one occasion, it was for style.

 Sure thing, dear Anon 🙃 Curious is a song discarded from the album Camila, and I don’t know if you’ll like my interpretation, dear Anon, because this song is not about Lauren (for me).

Verse 1

“I lose myself when you start talkin’

There’s something riveting about you, it’s got me confused”

Camila finds this girl so fascinating, that not only does she gets lost when she talks, but it also makes her confused. Confused because she didn’t think another girl could have this effect on her while her mind was always on Lauren. And yes, girl. It’s not the first time that Camila has had to mask this in her songs.

“If we went back to your apartment

Would you be a gentleman and a bad boy too?”

She’s provocative here. She’s literally provoking and teasing the girl: “Could you be sweet and at the same time rough enough to slamming me against the wall?” If you know what I mean…

Pre-Chorus

“I know you think, I’m innocent

Little do you know where my mind has been?”

When you see Camila in videos and interviews, you’re hit by her energy 80% of the time. She’s this cute and goofy and clumsy and dorky ball of bubbly energy that cracks a smile from you all the time. She’s funny with her lame jokes that however always make you laugh, and most of the time, you see her in this innocent light. And it’s true. She looks like this innocent little bean that must be protected at all costs. But we also know that she’s far from innocent. And here, that’s what she’s telling the girl: “If you knew what I’ve been thinking about you, about us, about what I want to happen, you’d understand that I’m not that innocent after all.”

“I don’t have much experience

Could you relieve me of my ignorance?”

The only sexual experience Camila had had up to that point, had been with Lauren. So unlike this girl, Camila had only had one partner, and she’s telling her just that: “I don’t have much experience as you do. Could you help me out?”

“It’s true (It’s true, it’s true)

Been wondering about you”

Here she’s basically questioning whether the expectation equals the reality.

Chorus

“I’m just cu—, I’m just curious

What you do, just got the two of us

Hit me down, take me up

Can you teach me how to love?

I’m just curious”

She’s telling her that what they do in private between them, will stay between the two of them. And then… Ahem-Ahem! *Throat clearing* I’m really trying to hold back as much as possible here guys… If I hadn’t received complaints in the past about some of the answers I gave in other posts, I wouldn’t have had any kind of problem explaining exactly what she says sentence by sentence, but I’ll just limit myself by saying that she’s asking her to teach her to be more expert on the subject matter.

Post-Chorus

“Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling

Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling”

This girl makes her feel in a certain type of way that Camila herself refrains from saying what she really wants to say. Still if you know what I mean…

Verse 2

“I’m kinda nervous but I like it (Yeah)”

Because it’s a good kind of nervous. An exciting kind of nervous.

“Will you live up to the image that I got of you?”

Again. As I said before, she’s basically asking if the expectation equals the reality.

“You’re not usually my type, yeah

I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you (Oh, oh)”

And this, speaks for itself. Who’s Camila’s type? With whom is she making the comparison? Who does she have in mind to justify her actions? She’s there with this girl because her type is who?

Before I wrap up, I want to explain to you why this song has nothing of Lauren for me. So I’m going to rewrite some pieces of the song to debunk it’s about Lauren.

“If we went back to your apartment”

Lauren didn’t have an apartment yet. She wasn’t living alone yet. 5H had two apartments that they shared together in the months of recording, and for the rest, they lived constantly in hotels. This girl (older than her) had an apartment.

“I know you think, I’m innocent”

Lauren and Camila had already had sex. Hello? Since the Like Friends Do situation. So she’s not talking about Lauren because she already knew Camila wasn’t innocent.

“I don’t have much experience”

Again. Experience she’d precisely had with Laur.

“Been wondering about you”

She had to wonder about Lauren if she had already been with her sexually? What would have been the sense?

“What you do, just got the two of us”

If she was really talking about Lauren, this would’ve been a big bullshit because there were people who knew about them. The ones closest to them for sure. Like DNA. DNA knew about them right from the start and lived their story basically along with them. Not to mention that they heard them on more than one occasion. Hell, even we heard them thanks to that takeover.

“You’re not usually my type”

Definitely not Lauren! Isn’t Lauren Camila’s type? In which universe?

“I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you”

Exactly! This girl, whether it was physically or of character, wasn’t like Lauren.

Aaand these are the reasons why I’m 100% sure this song is not about Lauren, dear Anon.

 Of course I can, dear Anon 😄

Cleopatra is a song discarded from the album Camila, and created during The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era. C ended Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March 2017 and we know it was the last song of The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era before the album name changed to Camila, so Cleopatra was finished before that.

Verse

“Ridin’ ‘round town in the backseat

Looking like the real deal

Looking real, real, real

Spent so long cuttin’ my teeth

Thought you were the real deal

But it wasn’t real, real, real, uh”

Camila is in the back of a car and, you know how sometimes you find yourself spacing out and thinking about something in those moments? Maybe by looking out the window but not really looking because you’re thinking about that something? It can be something trivial or something important, and in Camila’s case, in this case specifically, she’s overthinking about her relationship with Lauren. They had clearly broken up, and Camila is thinking about how she believed L was the real deal.

With ‘cuttin’ my teeth’ she used a slang to indicate that she learned something early in her life. The slang of cut my/your/her/his/their teeth was born in reference to the exit of the teeth from a baby’s gums and consequently indicates a first experience. So, here she means that she spent too much time learning the ropes believing for real that Lauren was for her, and then realize that she wasn’t.

[Don’t be discouraged and keep in mind that in this case, they were passing thoughts because she was definitely angry, bitter, and sad. We all are after a fight or a breakup with a partner. Besides, we all know that L is the love of her life. Think of songs like Never Be the Same (It’s you, babe), All These Years ('Cause after all these years, I still feel everything when you are near), Taxy (The greatest love story that’s never been told), and many others up to one of the ‘most recent’ ones: Anyone (You are the only one I’ll ever love) 😉]

Pre-Chorus

“Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh-ooh

Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh”

Aaaand back at it again with their communication problems. Even if she has generalized a lot here, she still makes us understand the essence of the problem.

Chorus

“I think I kinda wanna cut my hair like I’m

I’m Cleopatra”

When people move on or try to move on after a breakup, what do they usually do? They look for a change. They want to separate themselves from their past selves, of the ones they were when they were in a relationship with the person they broke up with, and they seek a change, aka self-improvement. Most of the time visual, and therefore physical. This change is seen as a new beginning, a new chapter in their life where they want to feel good again. They want to feel attractive. And this is how self-innovation begins. Some go on a diet, others change their style and wardrobe, and then there’s what many see as a rite of passage: a new haircut.

Camila in this case used Cleopatra’s cut as a metaphor for the change she wanted to make about herself. Cleopatra is one of the most famous known queens in the world. Strong, intelligent, powerful, and that radiates charm in everyone since ever. But Camila isn’t talking about Cleopatra the person. She’s talking about her haircut. Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila. Remember how I said earlier that Camila finished Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March and that she finished this song before that? Well, although this song talks about 2015, it was made in 2017. And guess what happened in that same period? Camila cut her hair by getting bangs. To be precise, it happened on March 31, 2017 (picture + caption: “joined the bang club now”). Coincidence? Yeah, sure, I don’t think so. Plus, although she used it as a metaphor, Camila has actually always wanted a Cleopatra cut, thing that, if you think about it, she now has for real. [Oh, oh and, rumor has it that Cleopatra was bisexual as was 100% Julius Caesar🤫🤭]

“Wanna dance on cars

And forget it all after

Skip these sad love songs cause I

Need something faster and now baby

Kinda think I’m ready”

The freedom I was saying before? (Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila) She talks about it here. She used the wanting to dance on cars and the skipping sad love songs as figurative expressions of the freedom she wanted to feel, and that she wanted to feel fast because there was gonna be no crying in the club this time. 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry, dear Anon, I had to 😝 No but, seriously though. She just wanted to shed the past and move on right away because she was ready. And she was also ready for the power part I referred to earlier that she explains here:

Post-Chorus

“Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want

Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want, yeah”

Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now. We have a double interpretation here. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Camila is a fucking genius. And being the fucking genius lyricist that she is, she used a double meaning here to let everyone interpret this part as they please. The double interpretation is so well hidden, that people who listen to this song without knowing the details, such as for example knowing something about Camila’s life or the year the song was made, would never know because they wouldn’t even notice.

The first interpretation ties into what she says about wanting to dance on cars in the chorus. That’s also a way of saying she just wants to dance thoughtlessly and have fun, but on cars? It’s a metaphor to say that she wants to do it by drawing everyone’s attention. I want you to picture something now, okay? Picture a party with a bunch of people dancing and drinking, and in the midst of the fun, someone climbs on the hood of a car or a counter or any other high surface to keep dancing. Can you picture what would happen at that moment? Can you picture how all the people there would turn to look at that person and shout, clap, and cheer them on? Now picture the same scenario with a person still climbing on something high, but to announce something. It’s the same thing. It’s the same purpose. Getting on top, getting on top of something, is to automatically draw attention. So the connection that leads us to the first interpretation is: Wanna dance on cars - Needed to be all eyes on me.

The second interpretation, on the other hand, is basically the same as regards wanting attention on her, but with another direction and another chorus sentence. Camila is a singer. She’s a performer. She LOVES to perform. She LOVES the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the anxiety, the nerves, the pressure, and the feeling of shitting herself before entering a stage. She LOVES the almost blinding stage lights, the screams, the cheers, the applause, and all the love from the fans. She LOVES mastering the stage, interacting with the audience, and delivering a show. She sings her heart out and LOVES it when the audience sings back to her. She has so much passion and she’s so fucking good at what she does. Why am I saying all this? Because with this hidden interpretation, Mila refers to her solo debut. Like I said, this song was made in 2017, remember? So the connection that leads us to the second interpretation is: Now baby, kinda think I’m ready - Needed to be all eyes on me. Ready for her debut.

Both indicate the attention and power (feeling of power) that I mentioned earlier that comes with it.

Bridge

“See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin’

See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin'”

This part is cryptic. Since they broke up here, I think she’s just saying that it’s okay. That it’s okay for Lauren to be the way she is and that it’s okay if they’re letting each other go (Yeah, sure, Jan 🤣). No hard feelings. Or at least, that’s my interpretation.

—

Before concluding this post, I’d like to make amends. My friend, the same one I ‘roasted’ in my last post (📄 - ɟ), hey, hi girl 😝 literally shoved her phone in my face a few days ago to show me an ask sent to @emisonme (hi to you too if you’re reading 👋🏼😄) in which I was mentioned. I’d like to apologize to all of you because I made a mistake, although not intentionally. I didn’t know Simon was no longer one of the directors of Simco Limited. I went to check it out and immediately understood why I didn’t know. Because it happened more or less recently (on September 17, 2020) and I hadn’t done a thorough research on the piece of shit since last summer (July) when Syco integrated into Sony.

I got really mad at myself for doing one of the things I hate: giving out wrong information. Camila and Lauren are ‘free’ from Simon, and I put that in quotes because one of the clauses that are in every Simmenthal Cow contract includes not being able to speak ill of him. I’m not kidding. This is a piece of an article from many years ago that is still on the internet today that talks about X Factor contracts: “The contract, which runs for 80 pages, also reportedly states that the rules are enforceable anywhere ‘in the world and solar system’ and that artists may not be critical of the company, ‘including its personnel and, in particular, Simon Cowell’. The contract makes clear no-one can speak badly of X Factor supremo Simon.”

Supremo… Supremo? Like what, the Supreme from American Horror Story (some fans of the series like me here)? Should I start calling him Cordelia? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I could never. I’m sorry Sarah (Paulson) for even giving it the slightest thought, love. I’m deeply ashamed. Sooo, like what? A supremo Super Saiyan (Dragon Ball)? If he clenches his hands into fists and screams, does his hair turn blonde? No, huh? So like what exactly? The supremo asshole? You know what? It doesn’t matter. He’s ridiculous enough per se.

Anyway.  Camren are free I hope completely from Simon, but we don’t know yet if the contract ended along with Simon’s exit or if it’s still standing. We’ll see as soon as one of them releases a new song.

Please accept my sincere apologies, guys 🙏🏼 And thank you @emisonme for giving me a great news, albeit indirectly. You’re a real one 😊

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I’m done 🙈 I hope I was helpful in this case too. As usual, I’m always available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 🙃 And as always, I thank Mari for giving me space in her blog and for making this exchange possible, and thanks to you Anons for your asks 🥰

Be kind, to others and to yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

P.S. who wants to be my virtual Valentine? 🌹 🌹 🌹

____

I have to say sorry to F again because this submission should be posted last night and I couldn’t. Thanks for the long ass post F. 

Another advice, I closed the inbox for anons as you know and I will open it again in a few days when I don’t be too busy. Save your asks for F anyway, anons!

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Tarja Turunen: “It was such a shock that I had a stroke”

Weird sports, health issues and her old Nightwish bandmates – Tarja Turunen buckles up to face your burning questions

Have you ever shattered a wine glass with your voice, deliberately or accidentally? Kelly Trueman, (Facebook)

“I did it with a lamp. I was in a music high school, and I was vocalising in the rehearsal room. There was a light that had a problem; when I’d hit certain frequencies it started [makes a high buzzing noise]. I started playing around with it, going up and down at a very loud volume, and it just popped. I was so happy I ran down the stairs and screamed to my friends, ‘Oh my God! I just broke a light with my voice! Come and see, it doesn’t work any longer!’”

Who’s the most surprising person that you’ve found out is a fan? Debbie Bone (email)

“The writer Paulo Coelho. I’ve been a fan of his books since I discovered The Alchemist, his first book. I wrote to him because I was interested in using his text for Outlanders. His response came back like a boomerang, and he was like, ‘My Muse! Oh my God!’ We have been in touch ever since.”

You revealed in your book that you had a stroke in 2018. How scary was that incident, and did it have any lasting effects? Mary Guest (email)

“Luckily it didn’t have any lasting effects, but it had an effect on me. It took me more or less a year to come around. Seriously, I was afraid. Every morning I woke up and every night I went to sleep, I was thinking about it. That fear is horrible because it made me realise in that fraction [of a second], I could’ve lost everything. I sought help, talking with a mentor every week. It was such a shock that I had this stroke because I thought I’d been living a healthy life and taking care of myself.”

What’s been the most memorable or unique venue you’ve performed in? @mateuszwarzycha (Twitter)

“I was performing with a symphonic orchestra in Plovdiv [in Bulgaria], it was in an outdoor amphitheatre [The Roman theatre of Philippopolis], a very historical place. I receive gifts from my fans and there are a lot of talented people amongst them. One of them sent me a painting that was from that concert and they captured it; my face, my hair, that amphitheatre. I have it on my wall in my working room.”

If you could give someone one album that best demonstrates Tarja Turunen, what would it be? Sam Petersson (Facebook)

“I’d go with my last album [2019’s In The Raw]. That tells you who I am at the moment. Right after the stroke, I started writing the lyrics for the album and that is the reason I am choosing this album - it is absolutely raw. The whole process was very therapeutic, I thought I was not able to do it. When I sat down with my computer for the first time, it was just a blank screen in front of me. I had all the doubts in the world, but I managed.”

What’s your favourite flavour of Monster Munch? Dmartin2908 (Twitter)

“What the fuck is Monster Munch?”

Hammer: In all the time you’ve been touring the UK, no one’s bought you a pack of Monster Munch?

“I need to Google this. These things they have gluten, right? I’m allergic to gluten. My diet is quite boring but there are lots of products nowadays without gluten. I do not suffer at all.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you want to sing at the Eurovision song contest finals? Billy Mcgivern (email)

“If one is not at all, and 10 is absolutely, I would say less than one. I am not interested at all, and I’ve been asked several times [as a solo artist]. I once took part with Nightwish [in 2000] – it was not my wish, but we did it. We got into the finals in Finland, but the jury voted us out. The song was called Sleepwalker. It was really not something I was dreaming of doing, but it did well for the band. We got the votes from the Finnish audience, they loved us, so the band got good publicity out of it.”

What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you onstage? Billy Gibson (Facebook)

“It happened in Nightwish. Really early, maybe 2000 or something. My pants were this PVC material, not breathable, really horrible. I was sweating like a pig in those pants. The zip completely caught open at the front and I kept on singing like, ‘What do I do, what do I do?’ until the song was finished. I ran backstage to find some gaffer tape – seriously, gaffer tape – to match my shiny PVC pants. It didn’t stick, and I went back to the stage and sang the rest of the concert with a towel in front. My panties were yellow. Like, really? On that day, I needed to put yellow underpants on?"

What’s the hardest song to sing live? Fitch67 (email)

“Crimson Deep, it has such a wide range, It’s very demanding. I really need to focus when I’m singing that song. It’s been a long time since I sang it – it was in the setlist many years ago. But I should take it on just to see where I’m standing vocally. I kind of enjoy the fact that not everyone can sing my songs!”

Kitee is the moonshine capital of Finland. What’s the most trashed you’ve ever got on moonshine? Mr Stuff and Nonsense (Facebook)

“I have actually tried it – tasted it - only once in my life. It’s a really hard liquor, like a vodka that was illegal back in the day.”

Hammer: So you’ve never got trashed on moonshine?

“Urgh, no!”

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever read about yourself in the press? Jan Opie (email)

“There are plenty! The one that most affected me was being named a ‘diva’. I do not feel like I am a diva at all, and people that really know me are hopefully with me on this! Perhaps I was misunderstood.”

Hammer: When did you see yourself described that way?

“When I got fired from Nightwish, from my old colleagues. I’ve been able to do a lot of TV work in Finland [Tarja is a judge on Finnish version of The Voice] and people have really seen who I am, there is no faking when cameras are all around you all the time.”

[Nightwish leader and songwriter] Tuomas Holpainen told Metal Hammer he was grateful to you for emailing him after his father died. Did you exchange Christmas cards this year? (Sally S, via email)

“He did say thank you but no, we did not write any Christmas cards…”

Hammer: Do you two have a friendly relationship now?

“I have been singing with [ex-Nightwish bassist] Marko Hietala for many years and he apologised to me in person. He’s the only one who has done that. We got to clean the table. But with Tuomas, it’s been emailing time to time, but not more than that.”

According to the internet, rubber boot throwing, swamp soccer and wife carrying are all actual sports in Finland. Have you tried any of them? Dave Mardwell (Facebook)

“People go into these events and it’s cracking, but I have never been in one. Of course, I’ve done those things with my friends at parties. We’ve been carrying each other, the women carrying women and men carrying men… And I’m a football fan. I support San Lorenzo, an Argentinian football team… but not in a swamp.”

Will you still be doing this when you’re 70, or will you have retired by then? Sami Nieminen (Facebook)

“Absolutely yes, if there is not a severe health issue. I love music and I’m a performer, those moments I share with my audiences are the moments I live for. Look at artists like Paul McCartney. They don’t need the economic support, but they still love going on tour and making music. It’s in them, making them breathe. I want to be there one day as well and say I lived a happy life, with music because music gave me life.”

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Apparently I’m a poet! | (Giant) Poetry Update #1

Hi everyone!

I realized today I’ve never updated you guys on my poetry ever, and so here’s to starting poetry updates on this blog! A bit of my background in poetry: in December 2019 I began writing “serious” poetry (I had previously written a chapbook that I wouldn’t count lol) so I’m pretty new to the form! I mostly dabble in prose poetry. Let’s dive into everything I’ve written so far.

About: A cyclical, toxic relationship & the desire and yet inability to help someone you love.

I wrote this prose poem in 20 minutes after reading THIS article. I had never written a prose poem but was intrigued by the form, and this strange poem came out of it. At the time, I was working through some personal feelings and found it strangely therapeutic that poetry was the form I finally felt comfortable to write about myself. I felt a certain release I’d never felt in writing after drafting this poem, and though I was uncertain about it, it was the first thing I ever submitted to a literary magazine! To my surprise, it was picked up by Grain Magazine (print-only) and I couldn’t be happier!

About: Immigration, matriarchy, grief, homesickness, mangoes.

Like MWLOTW, I wrote this prose poem in 20 minutes, the occasion being my university’s poetry contest (I was eyeing that prize lol). I actually was going to not submit entirely because I didn’t have a short story prepared, but then I realized... why don’t I just... poem? So right before the deadline, I wrote this poem, sent it in, won first prize and the rest is history lol!

About: A wordsearch poem and poetic homage to my experience with talk therapy

I have no idea where this WILD idea came from, but like with all of my first year writing assignments, it was 100% WEIRD. I thought it would be cool to ~invent a new poetic form that is essentially wordsearch poetry. A reader would be able to parse the particular phrase they see for almost an unlimited amount of combinations (each reader would take away something different). I adore how this poem turned out, and I’d love for it to be picked up somewhere though I’m not actively submitting poems right now.

About: An advertisement for all different types of skin, including human. :) You want it? They got it.

This is a bizarre little prose poem I wrote in a twenty-minute midnight fever dream, promptly forgot about, saw Augur Magazine had a new issue it might fit into, submitted it because in this house we don’t self-reject, and voila, it is now forthcoming in Augur’s winter issue! I can’t describe it beyond it being a literal advertisement for skin. :) I told you it was a midnight fever dream. The piece itself didn’t change much from first draft to what it will be published as, just a few minor line edits and of course, 100% bizarreness.

About: The journey of locating and planting a species of berries that doesn’t exist.

This is one of my most personal poems to date and it holds a very special place in my heart because of the person it is about! This is another prose poem, but unlike the others, wasn’t written in 20 minutes lol! It took me days to really feel comfortable within this poem and finish it off. I had written the first stanza or so within a half hour, but didn’t feel right with how the poem was going, and gave it a break. I came back about a week later and finished it off, and now it is one of my dearest poems. I can’t talk too much about the contents because it is personal, but I love poetry so much for the sole reason that you can write for the people you love in an incomprehensible way.

I’m going to leave this update here, but I hope to be back soon when I write more poems! Poetry is a new form to me, but is so refreshing, and as someone who has always approached language in a “painterly” kind of way, it is the perfect medium to experiment with!

--Rachel

[aswellingstorm]

taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence. 

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow. 

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her. 

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

[absoluteindulgence]

How The Boys Initiate

A/N: This HC is about how the boys initiate sex with the fem reader. I wasn’t able to find the people to tag since I’m still with family but thank you to everyone that’s read my work! I appreciate every like, reblog and follow. I’m thinking of doing something cool when I reach 300 followers, any ideas? I wish all the readers and writers more content that gets us going! Also, I apologize if these HCs are all over the place and long-winded, I wrote these while drunk, sober and sleep-deprived, not in that order either lol. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!! I’m still in 2019 but to all those in the future, see you soon!

☀️🌞MIRIO🌞☀️

It doesn't take much for him to initiate.

He makes jokes while trying to draw you into his level of seduction.

Might mention his "willy" because no matter how many times he'll say it, you'll always laugh

The muscles on his arms and chest tense when he's about to kiss you.

You can tell it a serious kiss by the way he leans down to meet your face.

Moving in slow motion, eyes glowing with light, face tinting pink more and more as he closes in

His lips are pursed but not tightly.

He'll caress your back.

Not for you but for him. The feel of your skin is intoxicating.

He'll calm down but his willy is on go

Deliberately grazing his piece against your thigh.

Depending on where you are, he'll close you in with his body. Trapping you with kisses while his arms tense as you hold onto them and moan.

You have a distinct moan that lets him know you want to proceed.

Definitely one of those that look at you, tells you how beautiful you are even if you look like a burnt chicken nugget. He'll be rubbing on your body until you're flustered and in his words "don't say shit like that". He curses more because he's with you lmao

LITERALLY PICKS YOU UP BRIDAL STYLE TO YOUR ROOM. If you're not there already, he'll still pick you up

But he will be slamming you against a wall then on the bed. He knows you like it rough

He's so romantic it’s sickening

You never get tired of it but you're in awe

Mirio is a simple man but will get very creative in setting the scene.

He listens to what you like. And if you want the fairytale way of lovemaking. He will surprise you with just that.

Depending on the day he had, he'll slowly kiss you all over your neck and collarbone. Days like that he likes to start with missionary but when he does, he just says the corniest shit you've ever heard.

"What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!"

A true fucking jokester to the end

You might even joke back about how you just turned into a Sahara listening to him.

Now, he's about to show you what a real tsunami looks like. Eats your pussy like the most sinful angel you've ever come across

Imagine you're about to give him head after a work out session and before you can. He says, "What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

🐙TAMAKI🐙

Previous to my twerking post he's just gonna jiggle your ass until he feels comfortable enough to ask to go a step further

But before then, he cuddles close to your chest just to hear your heartbeat.

He savors the time you two have away from hero work

Sometimes the grip around you is so tight, you might feel like you'll become one.

He will say the sweetest phrases you've ever heard.

"I’d rather spend every moment holding you than a lifetime knowing I never could."

The first time he says this he'll be buried into your chest so he'll have to repeat it.

When he's certain that he's taken your breath away, he'll whisper sweet nothings that turn into dirty secrets

Confidence has gone into overdrive. Everything he says to you, smooth like butter.

He has a praise kink like Mirio but also loves to praise you to oblivion.

He's so gentle with his touches after you say yes

His lips are tightly pursed at first and his hands are shaky.

He takes small yet slow breaths to psyche himself up to continue touching you.

You're so fragile in his eyes that he repeats to himself, "handle with care"

If you're freaky, he might just shock you with his hasty moves.

Pining your body down to the bed, with a rosy face.

Even if Tamaki's nervous smirk appears, his eyes always have a hungry glint 

Craving to fulfill his appetite and make you full

📼SERO📼

First of all, no matter how many times you two have had sex, he smiles.

He's not sure if it's a nervous tick or if he's just that confident.

His dick twitches when you smile back at him too.

Especially when he's inside you.

If you whisper something dirty in his ear, he will physically shudder.

That alone gets you off and he knows it

Pulling him closer to kiss his neck will make his dick spring into action if it hasn't already

He's usually semi-hard. Looking at you makes him weigh his options on where to fuck you and how long should he make you scream his name.

Thinking like that makes him harder than frozen peanut butter.

So, Hanta likes the bed but he really loves when he comes home to your cute ass. And you're taking a shower.

He sheds himself of his hero costume and lives to give you a mini heart attack by sneaking up on you. Usually, while you're washing your face.

It starts with holding your waist from behind. Then his hands’ trail...

His long and slender fingers trail from your hips to your nipples

You're left breathless as he sinks his teeth into your neck on both sides.

Whispering between nibbles, "Did you miss me?" Or "How's my cutie pie doing?"

It drives you mad because of how low of an octave his voice reaches you.

His wet hair tickles the back of your neck as he pulls you close to feel his package

"Now you understand why I'm up, more ways than one."

❄SHOUTO🔥

At first, he's very hesitant to touch you. Even if he's touched starved. We all know this

He's actually vocal when you make him horny

Sometimes he'll outright say it. Other times, he'll sigh. And it's recognizable.

He's a lip biter for sure

Whether you're in a cute outfit or getting ready for bed he's raving about you in his mind and as soon as he finds the words on his tongue, he glorifies you.

He's so polite and if you've had a long ass day, he will just give you a massage.

His strong hands will just wrap around every inch of your body. He'll explain that there's no reason to feel insecure.

He's so honest it’s scary

He praises every part he rubs.

Reminding you why he feels so strongly about you

But after, he gets to know you. He's so fucking horny when he's comfortable with you.

It started when you called him Shouto for the first time

You two were getting a little intimate and it slipped out.

His eyebrows quirked up. He stopped to look at you, a flushed ass mess.

He held your head softly, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

Pulling your face close to his, laying down the smoothest most passionate kisses. 

Taking it a step further biting your bottom lip gently.

He trails a couple of love bites down your neck to your breast.

Playing with his hair while buried in your titties will drive him mad.

He will inhale your scent more times than you'll remember how many times he's kissed you

Probably cliche but he's literally burning with passion

👓TENYA👓

Honestly, there are two reasons Tenya will take his glasses off that aren't taking a shower or going to bed: One being just to get a better look at you. And second is, the sight of your face when going down on you.

Aside from tilting his glasses, he will clear his throat more than he should.

A form of pacing himself in what he's about to do.

Say you've teased him all day while he's been working, he's thoughtful about his yearning.

He sweats from the anticipation to conquer you

It’s not an unbearable scent either. It's just enough to smell like an expensive ass cologne and his hard heroism for the day

A deep grunt leaves his body before he dominates you. His grip is sweet but powerful.

His thighs are tense as he lays you across his lap. Taking a deep inhale before every smack to your perfect ass.

His hands were meant to roam every inch of your delicate body and he knows that.

His callous hands grazing your skin is very therapeutic for you. Half the time he's rubbing your ass he can't even think straight let alone hear you. Because he's listening to your ass bounce off the walls.

Every time he spanks you, he suppresses the urge of his cock rising like morning wood.

He gets off suppressing his arousal for you.

So that after he's punished you, his cock is at full attention.

The welts on your ass are a sign of marking you too.

"Only I can control you like this, Angel."

As soon as you make way to the bed, he's controlling you however you like.

He's still not going to let you have your way for another half hour.

Once you're a blubbering mess of overstimulation, his jaw tenses as he rubs your thighs.

Staring at your flower in awe. Ready to ravage you.

👿Shinsou😈

If you say something highly sassy or adorable

He's looking you up and down, shining his pearly whites for you to see.

Whether from across the room or in front of you

He'll teasingly stick out his tongue. Might even say, "Your favorite seat is here." or "Do you wanna take a ride, Kitten?"

Don't look away either. Because he's gonna lift your chin to stare in his eyes

If you stare long enough, he'll say, "Do you see the light you bring me, kitten?"

You will blow up.

He automatically chuckles and peppers your jaw with kisses.

Holding you in his arms from your shoulders to your waist.

He's a confident lover from jump!

Before dating he was unsure about his ability to be liked until you showed up.

While dating, he's very passionate and takes intimacy very seriously with you.

Rubbing your earlobes, touching sensitive spots that make you shudder all over.

Good lord, his jaw is very tense while he stimulates you without undressing you yet.

It's a waiting game, how long can he tease you before you whine.

Shinsou will tease you all night if he can.

[onlyhereforangst]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by @indestinatus 💕

tagging whoever wants to go thru this journey with me & see their accomplishments in this terrible terrible year!

1. List of works published this year:

Oh god there’s a lot, like 70 total in just 2020. I’ll try to categorize them so this doesn’t get too long 😅but here’s a cut for aesthetic on your dash.

Sequels/Partner Fics: Risk It All (for @hellokaelyn), Finally Home (to Come Back), They Always Do & Could She?, Lucky Day & Completely Yours, Fiery Trance (Two Can Play series), Obsessed (Particular Taste), Soul (to Ignited)

Smut: My Turn (sequel to My Pleasure), Worth It, Maybe We Should, Make it a Double (also a fic request), Shall We (AU)

Fic Requests: Coffee Run, Hold Still, Typical, Deal, Needed It, I’m Home, For Science, Cry Me A River, From Your Dreams (AU), Crystal Clear, Tempt Me, Your Fault, Prove It, Silent Proclamation, A Hundred Suns (angst smut), Duly Noted

Stand Alones: No More, Never Let Her Go, Life is Fragile, Pandemics & Peach Drinks, To Need and Be Needed, Never Let Go, Coming Home, Priceless, Behind The Mask, Need a Hand?

Angst: My Daisy, Status Quo, Can I Stay, I Refuse, Deal

Series/Multi-chaptered: Back Off (Better Apart, Missed The Mark, Change Her Mind, But You Do, Layered Love), Electrified (Don’t Stop (Senorita)), Here By Faith, Forgive & Forget, Angstober ‘20 (Never Has & Never Will, Only In My Head, Long, Long Gone, Do Something, Take Care, Waiting to Burn, Survive the Hell, Find Her, Never Ended Well, At All Costs, One Thing Right, Stay Away, Echoed Back, Smart Man, Not Interested, Flake Again, Release, Slipping Away)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Here By Faith mainly because of the topic. Pregnancy & Infant loss has been such a taboo topic for so long and something I have personal experience with so writing this was very therapeutic. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Shall We and only because I truly wanted way more plot in this and it turned out to be essentially just straight smut with a tiny bit of plot. But it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Ok I had 70 fics to choose from not breaking down chapters so I’m sure I’m missing something, BUT I do love - omg typing this out I realized it’s from a fic in 2019 so I can’t use iiiiiit 😩 ok so here’s a couple excerpts. I loved typing out this stream of conscious partner fics (They Always Do & Could She?):

They Always Do:

Yet this time, this time she didn’t have the chance to rebuild. Like a Trojan horse, he waltzed right up to her and slowly dismantled her defense. Joke by joke, smirk by smirk—Nick took each brick down with care. The worst part? It was so subtle, so thoughtfully done, she didn’t even notice it was happening. Didn’t see her chest being pried open, beating heart on display for him to see, and take. Never realized her greatest defenses were missing until it was too late.

That love- precious, fragile, delicate love- had managed to grow again. In her desolate, cold heart, Nick managed to bring to life an emotion she had long given up on. An emotion she was too afraid to ever feel again. Because with it came agony.

They leave, and you’re abandoned- picking up the pieces of a shattered heart.

When you love, you lose. Always.

Could She?:

But-

Even if that was love, even if he loved Ellie with his whole heart, his entire being. Was that enough? Was Nick enough? Was he deserving?

A resounding no clanged around his skull like a church bell in a Southern town on Sunday morning. He wanted to silence it, stop the shrill metal sound that started any time he pictured forever. Any time he truly thought he might deserve to love, even after all he’d done. After all the unimaginable things he’d done, the horrors he’d seen, the pain he’d caused. That bell sounded, loud and clear.

How did he deserve love when he couldn’t bear to love himself?

[...]

Could she love him despite all his misgivings? Could she love him even when he didn’t love himself? Could she love him when there was a risk he’d be taken from her too soon?

Could she?

Please love me.

But please be sure.

There’s been a couple of other inner monologues that I have absolutely loved (I like to think it’s semi my speciality? But maybe that’s super arrogant of myself?) but that’s a different post for another time.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I said it recently but I *love* when people pick out specific line(s) from my fic and choose to comment on those. More often than not it’s a line I was so proud of either prose-wise or foreshadowing-wise or whatever and I get literally giddy with excitement that someone not only noticed it but also loved it enough to comment on it 🥰but truly any kind of comment is dopamine-inducing 😉

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

As some people may have noticed (& maybe not because I did still semi-run the other main ellick blog despite it) I was somewhat absent for most of the summer/fall. I struggled for the first time in my life with mental health issues, borderline depression after being in a shit work environment, an essential worker with a company that claimed to “care” about us, a community that I once loved but showed their true colors in the midst of the pandemic & election, add in a rough pregnancy & it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t want to even move from the couch most days let alone write. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I had a lot of fun writing short excerpts from different characters’ perspectives (Jimmy, Kasie, McGee & Gibbs) in my Angstober series & honestly wouldn’t mind doing that again!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Honestly not sure, I think I’ve just generally grown as a writer - better descriptions & descriptors, better dialogue, better plots. But that could all be me seeing things 😂

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I’d love to look into writing more seriously. My husband is convinced I could write an episode script or a novel, so I may look into trying my hand at that (even though I feel I’d be god-awful at it 😅)

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Hmmmm I always appreciate the support I’ve gotten from the ellick fandom despite it being rough this year for us, wonderful people like @erinchristmaselvis, @thekeyboardninja, @hellokaelyn & @wanna-be-bold are always there to either hear me vent or cheer me on ☺️

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Haaaaah yes. Lots of it (but I bet you can’t tell because I only add mini snippets so have fun finding those easter eggs 😏)

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Always, always, always write for YOU. Not for anyone else, the kudos, hits, comments, none of it. Write for YOU. And I say this as a reminder to myself as well, it’s so hard to get bogged down in that dopamine-induced craze we search for in recognition but it’s so important to not externally validate yourself rather internally validate yourself on baby steps of growth & accomplishment. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

LOL how about all my WIPs? All of those stories I started forever ago that people call me out on not finishing months later when I swear they’ve forgotten about them 😬

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Hmmmm lemme pick one from each category because I’m indecisive 😉

Sequel/Partner Fics: Lucky Day & Completely Yours (the aaaaangst)

Smut: a tie between Maybe We Should & Make it a Double

Fic Request: A Hundred Suns (because I love me some angst smut)

Stand Alones: Pandemics & Peach Drinks (hahahaha because this was in an Insider news article at the start of the pandemic hahaha so on brand #2020)

Angst: My Daisy (I looooooove this one, but also all of the angst category lol)

Series/Multi-chaptered: literally not one of these is finished and they’re all heavy angst so take your pick 😂

15. Year word count: 103,050 in 2020 which seems like so little 😅

Here’s to 2021 being the year I finish WIPs! she says knowing she’s lying

[dancingdimitri]

Well, it’s officially been a year. On March 23, 2020, I unboxed the secondhand Switch we had obtained by some incredible stroke of luck, solely for the purpose of playing Fire Emblem Three Houses, and started my first ever playthrough--Blue Lions route, of course--which I affectionately dubbed “Dimitripocalypse.” I chose this name because immediately prior to actually playing the game, I was aware of several facts:

- I was somehow already in love with Dimitri. - The Blue Lions story was both 1) centered on Dimitri, and 2) tragic. - I do not handle tragedies well.

(spoilers following, obviously. And lots of introspection.)

I knew about Three Houses since its release, but waited until many months later to actually play it for a few reasons: we (“we” meaning myself and my twin, Aki) didn’t yet possess a Switch; getting our hands on a system, plus the game, was an investment of several hundred dollars; there were no Switch games other than Three Houses we had significant interest in playing at the time, and besides, we were already plenty occupied with Fire Emblem Fates and the multitude of older games keeping us entertained on our outdated handheld systems. Our original plan was to buy a Switch for our birthday in May of the year following the release of Three Houses. Once the news of an impending lockdown started to spread, though, it became apparent that if we were going to get a Switch any time in the foreseeable future, that time was now. Our in-person shopping was mostly fruitless--no Switch, but we got our copy of the game while we were out (we like our physical copies)--but by some miracle we managed to find a previously used system for sale online: in retrospect, probably one of the last ones to be sold for a very long time after that.

By restraining myself from actively seeking out fanmade content, I managed to avoid significant spoilers for Three Houses. Inevitably, though, as months passed after the game’s release, I absorbed tidbits of knowledge that happened to roll by on my social media feed. I probably learned about the general concept and organization of the game (for example, obviously, the fact that there were three houses; more specifically, that it was a tragic story, and there was a timeskip somewhere in the middle), and the names of a few characters, but my recollections of my initial phases of information osmosis are fuzzy at best by now. My earliest memory of having a cohesive thought about anything in the game was sometime around September of 2019, when I happened upon Dimitri’s post-timeskip portrait. Immediately upon setting eyes on it, my heart went: He’s the one.

I still haven’t figured out what my heart does or how it works in such tight coordination with my eyeballs, but I have this tendency to abruptly fixate on one character in a given series, thereby selecting my single, immutable favorite character for that series. Yet, even as I subconsciously judge these characters based purely on appearance, when you also factor in aspects like personality and backstory, which I inevitably learn later, I somehow manage to also have a very consistent and predictable “type.” This was exactly what happened with Dimitri. Granted, it took me until February 2020 to form a significant emotional attachment to him, to the point where I was thinking about him constantly, but I never doubted from the beginning that it was Dimitri who would be the source of my “brainrot.”

I always wonder how things might have been different if I didn’t know about Dimitri beforehand: would I still have picked the Blue Lions house, solely because blue is my favorite color? Would Dimitri still have drawn me in through his many characteristic charms? Or would I have picked a different route, a different favorite character? How many things would be the same as they are today? But then I remember one of my favorite passages from what has been my favorite manga since my adolescence: [There’s] no point in thinking about the things I could have done, because there’s no guarantee that any choice is the right one. Alas, the timeline that exists right now is the only one that I know for certain, so it’s the only one I can discuss at length.

Sometime in the months that passed between finding that portrait and the beginning of lockdown, my knowledge of Three Houses had grown more cohesive, as vague as it still was. I knew that Dimitri was a tragic character who, due to some sort of traumatic events earlier in the story, became significantly more emotionally troubled after the timeskip. Looking back, I think this ended up being just the right amount of knowledge to have about the game before I started playing, because at any given point I had the faintest idea of where the story might be going, but no clue whatsoever about how it got there, and, perhaps most importantly, I still did not know how it ended. Nevertheless, another notable reason I hesitated for so long to play Three Houses was because I knew I was faint of heart and not adept at coping emotionally with even fictional tragedy; knowing what I did about Dimitri, I assumed playing Three Houses would leave me in a significantly worse emotional state than I had before playing the game. (I already struggled with generalized anxiety, a stressful family life, and recurring nightmares.)

Fortunately, I was very wrong. Even so, with no way of knowing this at the time, I figured that a lockdown would be the perfect time to start my playthrough. I was temporarily furloughed from my day job for the foreseeable future and obviously had no plans to go anywhere or do anything, so if I was going to get emotionally wrecked and needed significant time to recover, I might as well do so while I was stuck at home anyway.

(Side note: we could have gotten a Switch Lite with much less hassle if we wanted to, but we opted against it because we wanted to utilize the large television we had in our living room at the time. This ended up being an excellent decision. Second side note: it took me a few days to figure out there was a button on the system itself for taking screenshots, but I’m too sentimental to delete my lower-quality phone pictures.)

On the first evening after dinner I played for only about 45 minutes, enough to select my house. I ended up restricting myself to playing only in the mornings after that, because I lost practically all of my sleep to speculating. I primarily remember wondering about the deeper aspects of Dimitri’s character--what kind of person was he, really? I wrote an unnecessarily detailed paragraph about all of my guesses, based solely on his dialogue up to that (very early) point in the game, synthesized with things I knew about myself. I supposed, with the reservation that these were just wild guesses, that he might be very much like me. Every last one of my guesses turned out correct.

I experienced the story roughly one chapter at a time in two- to three-hour sittings, to allow myself ample time for emotional processing. I figured I might need it, and again, I was right.

As they say, the rest is history. Writing out all of the impressions I recall from Dimitripocalypse would make this post more needlessly long than it already is, and you can gather most of those from my regular posts, anyway. For the sake of as much brevity as I can muster, I’ll skip to the most important conclusion: I’m so glad I played this game.

Again, things could have easily turned out much differently. I very nearly stopped playing the game entirely after Dimitri’s sudden outburst at Remire Village gave me a panic attack so awful that I struggled to manipulate the controllers because my hands were trembling so badly. (I would have quit then and there, but I didn’t realize what was happening until after the fact.) But, after having Aki look up the ending to the route to confirm that it was indeed happy (for Dimitri, anyway--an important distinction), I persisted, also keeping in mind another favorite quote: something about the importance of continuously making an effort to understanding someone you love, even though not understanding them is “the greatest fear.” In retrospect, with how Dimitri’s character arc continued to develop, putting in the effort to reach that understanding at that specific point in the game saved my butt and made the vast majority of what happened later much, MUCH less of an emotional slap in the face. And with how the story progressed, I needed as much free cognitive space for emotional processing as I could get. The post-timeskip reunion with Dimitri led to my first good, cathartic crying session that I could remember in probably seven years. If I remember correctly, think it lasted a total of an hour and a half.

Even with that in mind, or maybe because of it, Dimitri’s renewal halfway through the second part was the single most cathartic moment I can recall ever experiencing. With how hopelessly attached I already was to Dimitri even before knowing the grisly details of his upbringing, the development of his story felt quite literally like something chipping away at my soul. Dimitri’s second peripeteia, then, wherein he realizes his past mistakes and decides to change for the better, evoked the sensation of my soul gently being reassembled, each broken shard softly being set perfectly back into place. I’m still not entirely why a fictional story felt so much more therapeutic than any therapy I had ever gotten up until that point. Somehow, though, just by experiencing that moment, I no longer carried with me a background-noise level of emotional anguish that had, at some point, become my default state.

With all of that said, I’m not entirely sure how to start wrapping this up.

It’s been a year since I took my first fateful step into the world of Fire Emblem Three Houses. There was no way of knowing where the steps after that would take me, even if I did predict a few aspects of the story. I’m certainly happy I was wrong thinking that I would end the game in a worse place than I started. Now I’m standing here looking back, one year later, amazed at how all of these experiences culminated into the present I know today.

I was always entertained by how, when you select which house to lead at the very beginning of the game, Rhea responds with “Your heart has made its choice.” My reply is always: “Yes... yes, it certainly has.” Maybe in some alternate timeline, it is true that this path was a choice I consciously made for myself. But in my current reality, that is not the case. Somehow, my heart makes its own choices independent of the thoughts in my head, and this particular choice is just one river joining the flow of time that continues to sweep me along.

My recurring nightmares never stopped entirely, but they significantly declined in frequency and severity. Moreover, for once, I even recalled a few good dreams I had: those, for me, are rare. I can count on one hand the number of such dreams in which Dimitri unquestionably appeared. One in particular sticks out in my memory to this day. I think of it whenever I have to negotiate with my estranged mother and I resort to perhaps unnecessarily diplomatic, emotionally distant and yet affable language; when I converse with someone about  how it is crucial to discern when to change what is unacceptable and when to simply accept it anyway, even if--especially if--when the thing in question is something about yourself; when I keep in mind that, as much as I’d like to care for others until all of their needs and wants are met, because it brings me joy to see them happy as much as it pains me to see them hurt, there are times when I have to care for myself first, or else I will have none of myself to give.

Oddly, or perhaps, just as it should be, this dream did start out more like a nightmare. I recall feeling very anxious. But the difference this time was that Dimitri was there. Though I seldom experience such vivid sensations in dreams that I still remember them after I wake up, this time, the physical contact our bodies made as we embraced felt real.

“Dimitri,” I murmured, though I didn’t know why, “I’m so scared.”

His response, in perfect tune with the sound of his voice in the game:

“It’s all right. I’m here. Even when I’m not by your side, I’ll always be with you.”