#i wrote one back in 2019 and it was SO therapeutic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

alyxdoeswrite · 2 years ago

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High times|| John "Soap" MacTavish x reader

Warnings: Illusions to sex, drug use (weed), my horrible knowledge on the military,swearing, not proof read A/N: happy (late) 420!this is the first time ive wrote since like 2019 so sorry if its ass. might write a part 2 to this!

Word count:1.9k

!!GIF is not mine!!

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It was a late night on base, and while everyone was sleeping, you decided tonight was the perfect time to light up. you had just gotten back to base after a particularly difficult mission and decided it would be the best way to relax. after missions 141 would usually head to a local pub and knock back some beers to relax and unwind after working their ass off. you were never really a drinker. you would have a drink here and there but never quite liked getting drunk. you preferred smoking. you were an experienced smoker. In high school, you were the classic stoner, had even sold a little bit back in those days. you knew every trick in the book and used them all now to not get caught. your smoking days didn't end once you joined the military. it was normal for you to sneak out to go smoke real quick. you stuck with joints for easy access and they were easier to sneak but now and then you would smoke out of a piece, most of the time it was your beloved bong. it wasn't often you smoke in your room out of the bong, it was saved for special occasions. tonight was one of those special nights. you had spent all day trying to catch up on all the sleep you had lost on the past mission, only waking up to go get dinner and then coming back to take a nap. 11:30 shined on the alarm clock, one of your only sources of light. the only other source of light was the moon shining in through your open window. you locked your door and put a towel at the bottom to block the smoke and turn on the fan while walking to the chair you pulled up to the window. the quiet cool breeze blowing through, making your room slightly chilly. you sit in your pajamas taking one good look at the moon before you started to pack a bowl. this was the most relaxed you had felt in months, nothing made you quite as happy as smoking on a quiet summer night, it was therapeutic. you grab your lighter and take the first hit, holding it in for a couple of seconds before leaning out the window and exhaling. these were the most relaxing nights. you take a couple more hits before sitting there for a moment peacefully, enjoying this refreshing night. that was until you heard a knock on your door. you quickly panic, throwing your bong in your closet and reaching for the nearest can of air freshener. another knock this time followed by a familiar Scottish accent “You in there lass?” soap asked. you sigh in relief and go to open the door. “you scared the fuck outta me soap, I thought you were someone else.” you chuckled, tucking the towel back under the door after you closed it. “You've been smoking with other people besides me lass? I see how it is” Soap fake pouted while making himself comfortable on your bed. soap was the only other person on base you smoked with. He would sometimes join you in your parking lot smoke seshes. he was also your classic high school stoner but had cut back when he joined the military, but still would partake here and there, you being his main smoke buddy. “I thought you were price for a moment and I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes,” you say, walking to where you threw your bong in a moment of panic. luckily for you, nothing broke or spilled. you grab the piece and put it in your chair to pull another chair up for soap. you finally grab the bong and sit for a moment, letting out another sigh of relief. “price had a little bit too much to drink at the pub tonight, I doubt he’d even be able to walk down here right now without busting his arse” soap chuckled. You chuckled as well, handing soap the bong and your lighter. You watched how the moonlight illuminated his eyes. You’d be lying if you said you didn't have a thing for soap. He was the one who welcomed you the most when you first joined 141 and was probably the one you were the closest with. You’d also be lying if you said you both weren't flirty with each other, especially while you were under the influence. Flirty little remarks and shared glances were usually all it was but there were a couple of shared kisses and even a messy high makeout session that had happened between you two. A part of you hoped tonight would end similarly. You watched Soap as he took a hit, god that man looked heavenly in the moonlight. The way the moon reflected in his eyes was one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen. He was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. You swore you fell more in love with him at that moment, watching him as he blew the smoke from his lungs out the window and sat back with a sigh. “You got some good stuff, Bonnie, I'm already starting to feel it” he smiled at you, handing you the bong back. “only the best for you handsome,” you said, smirking at him before taking another hit yourself. The bong was passed back and forth a couple more times before you had to pack another bowl. “Wanna do the honors Johnny?” you ask him, handing him the bowl and your grinder. “Don't mind if I do” He took the items out of your hand and set them on your desk to get to work. You watched him as he did his magic, he somehow always managed to pack his bowls better than yours. “your so handsome when you pack my bowls for me Johnny” you flirted. “I think you just like making me do all the work lass” he laughed. “you also got a handsome laugh,” you said to him and he handed you the freshly packed bong back. “you take the first hit Johnny, you're the one who packed it” “well don't mind if I do.” One more bowl later and you guys were stoned out of your minds. “that’s probably the best weed I've smoked in ages y/n, where the hell did you get it” Johnny asked while looking up at you “I usually don't spill all my secrets but your just to damn cute for me to deny you that information” and you told him how you had gotten the chance to stock up on the good stuff last time you hit the dispensary. “you wanna go watch a movie bonnie?” soap had asked, looking at you with puppy dog eyes. “how could I say no to that pretty face of yours” you said as he offered to help you up. after you both had crawled into your bed and got comfy you decided to find something to watch. you clicked through all the streaming services you had but couldn't seem to find a movie y’all had wanted to watch. you dramatically sigh and click out of another streaming service “It's like every funny movie has been wiped off the planet or something.” you sigh, dropping the remote signifying you had given up on the movie search. “I know something else we can do,” Johnny said, and you knew by the smirk he wore on his face he was up to no good. “and what would that be handsome,” you asked and before you knew it he was crawling on top of you. he then embraced you in a kiss, to which you grab his face and return the kiss. you run your hands up to tug on his mohawk as he deepened the kiss. He slowly pushed you down on your bed, now laying on top of you. He sits up momentarily to slowly take his shirt off, teasing you.“I quite like this idea Johnny” You smile at him and give him a peck. “I want to take this further Bonnie,” Johnny says, avoiding your eyes as a light shade of pink dusted his cheeks. “Like what?” you asked playing innocent. “Let me show you?” you could only nod yes as he smiled brightly at you before kissing you again. This time the kiss moved down to your jaw until his mouth made your neck its home, sucking at nipping at your neck. Leaving hickies and kissing them to soothe them after. Your hand found its way back to his hair, slightly tugging at his hair when he would nip at your neck, causing you to let out a small moan. One of his hands found its way to your stomach, slipping under your shirt and roaming your torso. The other one stayed on your jaw, pulling you further into the kiss. You were so into the moment that you almost didn’t hear the knock at your door. You and Soap both shoot up and stare at the door before another knock rings through the door, “y/n don't make break the door down” a slightly aggravated ghost said through the door. You curse at yourself quietly “Just a minute” you yell towards the door, grabbing your stuff and throwing it in the closet. As you turn around you see another thing you have to hide, Soap. You bring a finger to your mouth signaling to him to stay quiet before you grab him and shove him in your closet and close the door behind him. You collect yourself for a second before opening the door. Ghost stood there wearing sweats and a T-shirt that showed off his muscles perfectly. “Sorry, I was naked,” you say, instantly regretting the excuse you made. “Price sent me to investigate a suspicious smell coming from your room.” Ghost said. Slightly pushing you aside to go into your room. You sit in the doorway watching Ghost search through your room, making sure to check every nook and cranny. You prayed to whatever holy thing you could as Ghost made his way to the closet. You don't know what would be worse, him finding the weed or one of his sergeants shirtless in your closet. You hoped the half-naked scot would distract your lieutenant from the weed. Ghost arrives in front of the closet, staring at it for a second before looking at you as he opened the door. He looks over to realize he is face to face with soap. You just sat there mortified. “Smoking and fucking other teammates y/n? You’re fucking asking to get in trouble.” You cant reply as you just stare at your lieutenant. “Price wants you in his office first thing tomorrow morning, and for you,” he said looking at the soap, “get your clothes back on and get to your room,” he said to soap. Soap quickly grabbed his shirt and scurried out of your room, not wanting to do anything to aggravate ghost anymore. “I'll let you keep your stuff, but you gotta let me join in” you hear ghost say from behind you. You turn around again and instantly take him up on his offer. “Just don't be so sloppy next time y/n, if you're gonna break the rules don't do it all at once.’ He patted your shoulder before squeezing by you to walk back to his room, leaving you to stand in your doorway still slightly in shock.

#soap x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #soap mactavish #soap #call of duty #call of duty x reader #mw2 soap #mw2 x reader #soap x you

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trigun-manga-overhaul · 2 years ago

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Trigun Ultimate Overhaul Update - Unreleased Promotional Material and Origin Story.

OVERHAUL FRIDAY 12/23/22 - PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL AND ORIGIN STORY.

It's been four years since the project started and the goal has never changed. The only thing that really changed was the scope of it and how much material was needed to keep people interested and all the edits made in connection with that. It started as a single man undertaking but eventually grew to have a consistent team of three, along with a few guest helpers here and there.

In this post we'll share the story of how the project came to be and then a few iterations of these edits we've made.

(Above: Early Overhaul promotional edit.)

THE STORY

To briefly tell the story of how we got here, we've got to go back to 2018.

It started with me, the project leader, D, getting into Trigun in November of 2018. Being a relatively new fan, I have learned a lot in the brief time I've been in this fandom and community, actually, it was pretty dead when I came around. I had no intention of being alone in my newfound interest, so I wanted to start get things going and wrote up a plan for how I wanted to revive the fandom as a whole.

At the same time, I started checking up on the history of the fandom in every corner it existed, learning more and more about what has happened in the past and where everyone went. During that dive I learned about people's displeasure over the manga and how there were two translations. I realized quickly afterwards that I had seen both in my desire to read the manga back at the start, and that I had found the Scanlation first but immediately dropped it due to the horrible quality and went on to find the Dark Horse Comics translation.

But what I few from fans of the past, a repeated notion between more dedicated fans, was that the Dark Horse Comics translation was also subpar and that the writing was off, something I agreed with.

I've always been a very determined person and a perfectionist, so it was just a matter of time before I decided to be the one to make that new translation. I got all the files I needed and started working on a method for preparing them, planning out everything I needed done before I really could get to work. I was doing all of this in the background while I made daily content for the subreddit in early 2019, back when there were only about 2000 people. I also started a Trigun Discord server, TriCord, at the time, wanting to connect with as many people as possible.

(Above: The thumbnail for the Spotify playlist "Dancing Revolver.")

I spent the next months cleaning pages. I was removing text and redrawing bubbles and backgrounds as needed, as well as removing compression from the downloaded pages to make them clear and crisp. Some would see it as tedious work but I personally quite enjoyed it. It was pretty therapeutic and a nice way to unwind after coming home from work.

On a more personal note, it was also really nice to have this project on the side when things went a little sideways. Within the span of a single week both my parents were suddenly hospitalized and I had to temporarily move into a room at their house, so that I could look after them when they came back from hospital, as they required care. My mom was wheelchair bound for a month and then used crutches for a while afterwards, and my dad was very ill. With all that worry, it was vital to be able to clear my mind with a bit of creative work. My dad was diagnosed with cancer then, but through a successful operation, he made a full recovery and has been cancer free since.

A month or so later, I finished the entire cleaning process, allowing me to tackle the translation finally.

(Above: A black background variation of the 10/29/21 release.)

In retrospective, there's a ton about the earliest translations that I want to change in the new version, as my skill have vastly improved since. I have more experience and the tools I have have grown, so I would be able to do a better job today than back then, another reason why 2.0 is needed before I'm satisfied with the work done.

In late 2019 I had some help looking over pages I've already translated and typeset, just to get a better sense for what I need to look out for. This is the first time I'm actually working with anyone on the project, having been handling the planning and work alone before this. However, those who were kind to help me out didn't have all the time in the world to help out whenever it was needed, and they weren't as deeply into the process I was, so it was difficult for a few people to get a feel for what I wanted exactly.

I had a stable work partner from November 2019 and to July 2020 but then that partnership went silent. It wasn't before the summer of 2020 that I ended up with one of my current stable partners for the project, someone who really brought the quality of the writing to a whole new level. That partner being Vulpana. With our combined set of skills, I personally feel like the final results of our writing that improved greatly.

Later the second work partner, Arth, would join. With a sharp eye for all the technicalities of writing, as well as a much less constantly tired eye on all the work, we have reached as good as the text can get. I am very happy with the work we're doing together, the feel of it and the coherency. We work really well together and our communication is professional and fantastic.

(Above: The first version of the credit page for Trigul Vol 2.)

It was also through encouragement from various parties that I decided to list the Overhaul project on my CV while looking for another job. As I personally didn't see the point in listing a nerdy project, others insisted it couldn't hurt and that the project in of itself is impressive.

I had to eat my own words in late 2021 though, as I ended up getting offered a job as a professional translator for a respected international theater anthropology organization. They expressed their interest in my project, noting that they were impressed by the personal dedication to translate and formulate for fun. I gladly accepted the position, of course, and it became my dream job. Been working that position since and it has both helped my project and my project has helped it.

As there's not much else to say, I'll share a few more images as promised! Enjoy!

(Above: Early idea for the credit page for Trigun Vol 2.)

(Above: Spotify thumbnail for the upcoming Overhaul work theme playlist.)

MORE INFO NEXT WEEK!

#trigun #trigun maximum #trimax #fan project #manga #trigun overhaul #trigun ultimate #trigun ultimate overhaul #infodump

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northerngoshawk · 2 years ago

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2, 12, 17 for the deep fic writer asks?

thanks for the ask hotwife!!

2. what's a fic that took you to an emotional/dark/hard place?

now, this is a hard question for me personally to answer, not because i have a lot, but because i have very little. i've mentioned this before, but i tend to be able to... "shut off" my emotions when i write/read, so to speak? i mean, while i can still feel deep down what i want to portray, it usually doesn't affect me to the point of draining me and/or inciting an outward emotional response.

with that being said, there IS a fic that, while i wouldn't necessarily say it took me to an emotional place, is rather dark and hard, and that was my vent fic no tears left to cry, which i rated M just for safety reasons. it's basically just me using Aang as a puppet to get rid of my lingering depressive episode feelings lol.

i did not have the best year during 2019-2020 (for reasons unrelated to the pandemic) and whew, it was bad. i did eventually recover from it, but one day, i was just browsing music when i came across songs that dealt primarly with themes of depression, and they brought me back to those days (and by that, i meant they just reminded me of those feelings without having me spiral lol). so i decided to write a fic about it and get rid of them, once and for all.

while i didn't get anywhere close to what i had been feeling when writing this fic, i did have to slip back into those shoes and recall all my conflicting thoughts and emotions i had during that time--it was the only way to make it feel authentic, and as i wrote it, i slipped more and more into that mindset i used to have while also being able to separate what past-me and current-me feels.

i'm not exactly proud of writing that fic, nor do i think there is any inherent value, but i did receive a few comments that told me how much it helped them and even how therapeutic it was, so i guess there was some good that came out of it lol

12. What’s your perfect environment to create/write?

basically my room: cozy, comfy, private, and... carpeted lol. carpet feels wayyy more cozy than tiled floors lol. tiled floors are way too clinical while carpet reminds me of home.

17. What’s the best engagement/interaction/feedback you’ve received from someone who’s read your work?

so this is actually from @chocomd for my fic The Dishonored Blade!! she left one of the most meaningful comments i have ever received on a fic, and to this day, i am still in disbelief over it.

this is what she wrote at the beginning of her comment:

First of all, I felt like I was reading a complete novella from beginning to end. Like something that I would find in a published anthology. Seriously, this is your best writing that I've read to date, and I've read most of your stuff already!

i just-- a novella?? my fic, the equivalent of a published anthology??? i-- 🥺🥺🥺

i think the thing that gets me the MOST about her comment is that this fic... is a niche AU almost no one would read. TDB was a fic i wrote just because i could, and i knew no one would read it. i still went all out with it, and to this day, i am still so very proud of myself for writing it. but without much engagement, i just... discarded it to the side and didn’t really think too much about it.

but seeing someone love it so much, someone who enjoyed it as much as i did writing it... it means so, so much, and words will never show just how grateful i am for such love 🥺😭💖💙💜

deep fic writer asks

#northern answers #flameohotwife #ask game answer

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orlissa · 3 years ago

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For therapeutic purposes, here is the full story of the person who owes me a buttload of money.

So, her name is Imola--she is an old family friend, my mom used to work for her mom, doing embroidery and stuff, when I was a kid. I’ve known her for ever. She is about 15 years older than me, married with two kids, a seamstress by profession.

The fall of 2016 she got this idea that she wanted to buy a small, already operating store selling vintage home decor, but she didn’t have enough money for it. At the time I was doing my MA, my parents were still supporting me, and was doing translation on the side, so I had some savings--and so Imola had this idea to borrow from me. To this day I stand by my word that mom my pressured into it, although she says otherwise. Anyway, I did end up lending Imola 1.3 million forint, which would be about $3600 today, but like during the first two years of my phd, aka the first time I had a steady monthy income, I got 140.000 forint (~$390), and that was enough to live on. We even wrote a contract, signed by a notary public, which was Imola’s idea, and she even paid for it. As per the contract, she was to pay me back my money by February 28, 2017 in one sum, with no interest (but if she didn’t pay on time, she’d have to pay a 10% interest, which part I completely forgot about until last year, but which also means that by now the full sum she is to pay back to me is nearly 2 million forint).

She didn’t pay by the deadline, and I didn’t force it, partially because “she is a family friend, she has been helping us [my parents] out a lot” and partially because, as a seamstress, she would help me out with cosplay stuff (although she would half-ass it to a point that some of the stuff she made for me could be worn only once, with no chance of repearing it). One of the things she made was a skirt for a steampunk corset I bought. That steampunk outfit was my dream for years. This will be important.

Some time later, I want to say 2018-2019, but I don’t actually remember, she asked to borrow the whole steampunk outfit and my other, green corset (which was part of my Enchantress cosplay, which included a miniskirt made of chiffon and satin ribbons) so she could display it in her shop window. She said that in exchance she’d make a similar skirt for the green corset as well. I did lend her these outfits, I even saw the steampunk one in her store window.

At some point after this, she silently sold the store. She still didn’t pay me back, nor did she give back my dresses. At this point I was heavily pressuring her into doing both, reminding her of her debt and my stuff, but she remained dismissive, showing a kind of “I’ll do it when I do it, don’t worry about it” attitude.

Come October 2020, when finally, after months of begging, she got around to bringin back my steampunk dress (only that one; I still haven’t seen my green corset). I was excited, because I was having a little Samhain get together with my friends (all complying with covid restrictions), and I wanted to wear that. Only I couldn’t: the boning of the corset was in channels made from faux leather, and while the dress was at Imola’s/on display, the faux leather ripped, and the boning was poking out in several places. It was unwearable. I cried for two hours. That was the last straw. I talked with Imola about it, she “apologized” and said she’d repair it (the only way to repair it is to change all the boning channels on it, which I doubt she did). She took it away some weeks later. That was 1,5 years ago. She still hasn’t returned it.

Done with her bullshit, I made an ultimatum the next year: either she starts paying her debt in installments starting in March (as the end of February was the 4th anniversary of her original deadline), or I’m taking this to court. The original agreement then was she had to pay at least 50.000 forint (~$140) a month (once again: her full debt is nearly 2 million by now), and if she misses two months in a row, I’m taking this to court. Which led to her paying basically every other month.

January this year I told her this won’t do, we’re changing the terms: she is to pay every month by the 25th, and if she misses that, I’m taking this to court. She said okay. She basically never pays by the 25th. She missed the March payment, paid it in early April. Had to remind her two or three times that she needs to pay the April amount in April as well. And now she is saying she can’t pay in May. With the current pace, she’ll ba paying me for at least 3-4 more years. And let’s not talk about my ruined dress and my emotional distress. I’m... I’m done.

#personal

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crowdedimagines · 5 years ago

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Leaked Pt. 2 - Harry Styles

PART ONE

Harry and I follow Gemma back into the house. I cross my arms over my chest, fighting the chill from outside that seems to linger in my bones now. We take a seat back at the table, everyone seems to be stressed and tired of talking, I don’t blame them. I’m thankful Harry and I got a break from it.

“Alright, so we were able to detect what they had access to and what was downloaded from the online server.” Andrew, whose name I learned, says looking at both Harry and I to explain.

“So what else did they get?” Harry questions, he sits up a little straighter in his chair.

“It looks like they also had access to some audio files.”

“Audio files?”

“What? The studio version of medicine?” I tease, assuming that whatever it was can’t be too bad. Harry’s had songs leak before, even if it’s something that ended up being scrapped it can’t be the end of the world. It can’t be as bad as a leaked image of us across twitter.

“No, it looks like they only took several files dated July 15th of 2019.”

“July 15th?” I raise my brows.

“What happened-” Harry starts to question the significance, but it instantly clicks for me. All of the humor and lightheartedness I had is knocked right out of me.

“Fuck-” I pull my hair back over my shoulder. The chill that clung to my bones is gone now, now I can feel myself break out into a sweat. Harry turns to look at me and as soon as our eyes meet I can tell that it’s clicked for him as well.

“It’s our song” Harry states, his voice so quiet that I’m sure not everyone in the room caught it. His voice is soft and low, barely registering.

“Your song?” Anne prompts, her face full of concern as she notice’s the color that’s completely drained from our faces.

“Can we clear out the room for a few minutes?” Harry asks, he takes his hand in mine and nods for Anne and Gemma to fill the seats that have now been vacated.

“Can I?” Harry looks at me for permission before continuing. I give him a soft smile and nod, at this point I’m glad they’ll know. I’d rather they know than the whole world.

“July 15th was the day Y/n and I got back from the hospital.” Harry swallows, “The day before Y/n had suffered a miscarrige.”

The silence in the room is louder than I could’ve expected. Gemma and Anne look at each other, obviously shocked before turning their attention back to us. Their expressions seem just as solemn now.

“So the audio file is?” Gemma looks between us confused.

“So together we wrote a song for our daughter.” I nod, tears slipping without being able to stop them.

“It was really therapeutic, I think we both sobbed through practically the whole thing.” He looks to me and I just nod and agree. Harry’s hand still hasn’t left mine.

“I’m sorry that you guys had to find out this way.” I pull my head up to finally make eye contact. Tears are still slowly streaming, but I’m able to blink past them, “We had been so excited to tell you guys that we were expecting and it was only a few weeks after that we had already lost her.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Anne says, her eyes filling up with tears of her own at this point.

“So this was right before you guys broke up.” Gemma realizes, “Is that-?”

She doesn’t seem to be able to finish her own thought. The air in the room is a little too heavy. If I wasn’t drained before, I am now.

“Partly.” Harry nods.

“It wasn’t a lie that the stress of always being apart tore us apart, but going through something like that and then having to fly across the world. We didn’t get to heal from that together, and it ruined our relationship.”

Third Person POV

Slowly the group makes their way back in. Harry makes it very clear to all of them that they need to do everything in their power to stop that audio file from seeing the light of day. It crushed him to see the defeated look on Y/n’s face. She looks exhausted. Harry can’t pull his eyes from her saddened face every couple of seconds. The last thing he wants is for her to feel emotionally exposed as well as physically.

“Y/n, why don’t we go off to bed.” Anne gets up from her spot and places a gentle hand on the younger girl's shoulder. She only nods and lets Anne lead her up stairs. No one else at the table comments, no one dares. Harry’s eyes follow her as Anne wraps an arm around her shoulder and they walk up the stairs.

Anne leads her to Harry’s room, knowing that she was bound to stay there after everything that’s happened today. No one can blame her for being so tired, it was only a few hours ago that she landed. She’s had her body exposed to the world and now there’s the potential for one of the most intimate parts of her to be exposed as well. Today has been the day from hell for Y/n.

Y/n changes into one of Harry’s shirts and tucks herself in under the covers. It’s been over a year since she’s been in this bed. Anne comes back in to check on her, noticing her eyelids are falling heavy as they talk.

Anne curls up in the sitting chair on the other side of the master bedroom. It doesn’t feel right to leave her alone right now in this state and she doesn’t exactly feel like participating in the conversations downstairs anymore. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth hearing people speak so casually over something so personal.

It’s a few hours later when Harry makes his way upstairs and he’s surprised to see either of them in his room. He looks like the definition of exhausted. His mom looks up from her book and glances over to see that Y/n is still asleep.

“Is she alright?” Harry asks, looking at the girl curled up in his bed.

“She will be.” Anne sets down the book. She pulls the blanket off of her shoulders and folds it up neatly.

“Did you guys get anything decided?” Anne questions, making her way over to her son by the door.

“Yeah, Jordan and Jeff both agree that it might be in our best interest to release a statement. If it gets out we’ll obviously need to address it. They want to talk it over again tomorrow morning once Y/n is feeling a bit better.”

“Sounds great, love.” Anne presses a soft kiss to his cheek before letting herself out.

Harry breaks his stare on the love of his life so he can get ready for bed himself. He brushes his teeth and does his night routine as quietly as he can. From what he remembers, it always used to wake Y/n up anyway, but she’s exhausted.

He finally finishes up and hovers over his side of the bed, unsure if he should cross that line. Sure she’s laying in his bed, but that doesn’t mean it’s an open invitation for them to share the bed.

“Just get in already.” Her voice surprises Harry. Her eyes didn’t even flinch to open. Harry doesn’t need to be told twice, he slides in on his side.

“What are we going to tell the fans?” Her voice a soft echo in the silence.

Harry lets out a long sigh, moving to lay on his back.

“I don’t know. How much do we want them to know? Neither of us have ever let the fans in like this before.”

“But aren’t they going to figure it out anyway? We know that they’re smart, and our lyrics were hardly veiled.”

“I think I would rather tell them. If we can’t stop it from getting out there, I would want to avoid as many conspiracy theories as possible. How do you feel about it?”

Y/n reaches out her hand to connect it with Harry’s. His head snaps over to look at her and she’s staring down at where her fingers fiddle with his rings.

“I feel comfortable with that. The whole world is going to know now.”

His words fill the silence, Y/n only letting out a sigh in response.

“I should call my parents and let them know. Y/S/N too. They deserve to know before the story breaks.”

Y/n shifts back onto her side facing away from him, letting Harry’s hand drop in the process. He turns to his side, facing the same direction as her. She turns back, looking over her shoulder towards him.

“Thank you.” Her voice a soft whisper, her eyes meeting his after glancing over his bare chest.

“What for?” He clears his throat, his voice catching from speaking so softly.

“For being you Harry. For being understanding and loving in spite of everything.” She turns back to rest her head back on the pillow, “I don’t think there’s anyone else I would want to have to go through this with.”

Harry scoots closer, he hovers his arm over her waist before settling it when there weren’t any protests. Y/n places her hand on top of his, holding it securely against her.

“I will always love you, Y/n. I wish we didn’t have to go through this, but I’m glad to have you too.”

Those are the last words they exchange that night.

Y/n’s POV

The sun is rising, alerting me that I need to get up and get ready. I manage to snake my way out of Harry’s grasp before he can wake up as well. I make my way to the bathroom and take a long shower.

“Jordan brought in your suitcase last night.” Harry informs.

“Oh, great. Thank you!”

He simply nods before going into the bathroom himself to get ready for the morning. I wrap the towel a little tighter around my body and quickly make my way downstairs to grab my bag. By the time I get back to Harry’s room I can hear the water running in the shower. It gives me enough time to get dressed and escape down to the kitchen before he exits.

“Good morning!” Anne smiles from her spot at the stove.

“Morning.” I smile, I take a seat next to a sleepy Gemma.

“This coffee isn’t even helping.” Gemma groans, throwing her head on my shoulder and closing her eyes.

“That’s because Mum made it.” Harry says as he walks in with a wet head, “Have Y/n make the next batch. That’ll surely get you wide awake.”

“Sounds like an excuse to get my world famous coffee if you ask me.” I eye him with a smile.

“You caught me, love.” He grabs plates for everyone and starts setting the table, noticing his mother is getting close to being done with all the food. I tap Gemma softly on the shoulder so I can get up and make a new pot of coffee. Harry always used to tell me my coffee was his favorite, it always packed a punch.

We all settle at the table, Harry with a large mug of the hot coffee.

“Anne, everything looks wonderful.” I smile looking over everything she’s prepared.

“Thank you.” She grins.

We all dig in, too hungry to prolong it anymore.

“What time is everyone getting here?” I ask, mainly waiting for Harry to answer.

“Within the hour.”

“Have you guys decided what you’re going to do?” Gemma sets down her fork to look at the both of us, prompting me to turn and look at Harry.

“We’re going to tell the fans. We want them to hear it from us, take away the power from the person who hacked my phone.” Harry explains.

“Yeah, that reminds me. I need to call my parents.” I dab the corners of the mouth with a napkin before excusing myself.

Harry’s POV

I watch as Y/n leaves the room to make the call privately.

“So, how is she?” Anne asks, focusing on me.

“With all things considered, I think she’s doing alright.” I take a sip of the coffee that’s still warm, “We both agreed that we’re going to tell the fans today. Clarify a few things.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Gemma nods.

“Me too. It’s nice having her here again.” My mum smiles looking at me.

“Mum, don’t go there.” I warn.

“I didn’t mean anything by it!” She defends, “I just said it’s nice.”

“She’s right.” Gemma chimes in, “Y/n has always been our favorite. We all know that your story with her is far from over.”

I simply shake my head, knowing better than to argue with these two. It’s a short while later Y/n makes a reappearance, her eye’s red and puffy.

“Alright, everyone’s in the know.” She sighs.

Right on que there’s a knock on the door. I’m sure it’s just starting that our teams are showing up. Ready to start a new day.

“Alright, so Harry said that you guys agreed on putting out a statement. We can get started on that today. We need to decide how we want to do it, we have a few options.” Jordan explains, “We can type up a statement from both of you and release it on social media or if you guys wanted to say something.”

“Like a video?” Y/n asks.

“Exactly. It’s totally up to you guys, it’s a matter of preference.” Jeff cuts in, “Sometimes it's a little more comfortable to do it that way so you can say exactly what you want and people can hear your tone, but at the same time it’s a lot more personal this way.”

“What do you want to do?” Y/n suddenly turns to get my opinion.

“I’m fine with either-”

“C’mon, what’s your head saying.” She has a soft knowing smile on her face. I smile back at her because how could I not.

“I think that if we’re coming clean and trying to be honest about things, it could be good to have it actually coming from our mouths.”

“I agree.” She turns back to look at Jordan and Jeff, “So how exactly do we go about that?”

“So we’ll start by-”

Jeff stops speaking as his phone buzzes, he glances down quickly and his eyes widen for a second. Whatever it is it’s enough to have completely captured his attention.

“What is it?” I ask, I start spinning one of my rings subconsciously. It takes what feels like minutes of pure silence, but in actuality it’s only a few seconds for him to answer.

“The audio file is out.”

Fuck.

i’m sorry for all the switching of POVs but that’s the best way i felt I could communicate how i wanted things to go.

PART 3?!?! how are we feeling? mini series?

#harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #Harry Styles

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 3 years ago

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Tarja Turunen: “It was such a shock that I had a stroke”

Weird sports, health issues and her old Nightwish bandmates – Tarja Turunen buckles up to face your burning questions

Have you ever shattered a wine glass with your voice, deliberately or accidentally? Kelly Trueman, (Facebook)

“I did it with a lamp. I was in a music high school, and I was vocalising in the rehearsal room. There was a light that had a problem; when I’d hit certain frequencies it started [makes a high buzzing noise]. I started playing around with it, going up and down at a very loud volume, and it just popped. I was so happy I ran down the stairs and screamed to my friends, ‘Oh my God! I just broke a light with my voice! Come and see, it doesn’t work any longer!’”

Who’s the most surprising person that you’ve found out is a fan? Debbie Bone (email)

“The writer Paulo Coelho. I’ve been a fan of his books since I discovered The Alchemist, his first book. I wrote to him because I was interested in using his text for Outlanders. His response came back like a boomerang, and he was like, ‘My Muse! Oh my God!’ We have been in touch ever since.”

You revealed in your book that you had a stroke in 2018. How scary was that incident, and did it have any lasting effects? Mary Guest (email)

“Luckily it didn’t have any lasting effects, but it had an effect on me. It took me more or less a year to come around. Seriously, I was afraid. Every morning I woke up and every night I went to sleep, I was thinking about it. That fear is horrible because it made me realise in that fraction [of a second], I could’ve lost everything. I sought help, talking with a mentor every week. It was such a shock that I had this stroke because I thought I’d been living a healthy life and taking care of myself.”

What’s been the most memorable or unique venue you’ve performed in? @mateuszwarzycha (Twitter)

“I was performing with a symphonic orchestra in Plovdiv [in Bulgaria], it was in an outdoor amphitheatre [The Roman theatre of Philippopolis], a very historical place. I receive gifts from my fans and there are a lot of talented people amongst them. One of them sent me a painting that was from that concert and they captured it; my face, my hair, that amphitheatre. I have it on my wall in my working room.”

If you could give someone one album that best demonstrates Tarja Turunen, what would it be? Sam Petersson (Facebook)

“I’d go with my last album [2019’s In The Raw]. That tells you who I am at the moment. Right after the stroke, I started writing the lyrics for the album and that is the reason I am choosing this album - it is absolutely raw. The whole process was very therapeutic, I thought I was not able to do it. When I sat down with my computer for the first time, it was just a blank screen in front of me. I had all the doubts in the world, but I managed.”

What’s your favourite flavour of Monster Munch? Dmartin2908 (Twitter)

“What the fuck is Monster Munch?”

Hammer: In all the time you’ve been touring the UK, no one’s bought you a pack of Monster Munch?

“I need to Google this. These things they have gluten, right? I’m allergic to gluten. My diet is quite boring but there are lots of products nowadays without gluten. I do not suffer at all.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you want to sing at the Eurovision song contest finals? Billy Mcgivern (email)

“If one is not at all, and 10 is absolutely, I would say less than one. I am not interested at all, and I’ve been asked several times [as a solo artist]. I once took part with Nightwish [in 2000] – it was not my wish, but we did it. We got into the finals in Finland, but the jury voted us out. The song was called Sleepwalker. It was really not something I was dreaming of doing, but it did well for the band. We got the votes from the Finnish audience, they loved us, so the band got good publicity out of it.”

What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you onstage? Billy Gibson (Facebook)

“It happened in Nightwish. Really early, maybe 2000 or something. My pants were this PVC material, not breathable, really horrible. I was sweating like a pig in those pants. The zip completely caught open at the front and I kept on singing like, ‘What do I do, what do I do?’ until the song was finished. I ran backstage to find some gaffer tape – seriously, gaffer tape – to match my shiny PVC pants. It didn’t stick, and I went back to the stage and sang the rest of the concert with a towel in front. My panties were yellow. Like, really? On that day, I needed to put yellow underpants on?"

What’s the hardest song to sing live? Fitch67 (email)

“Crimson Deep, it has such a wide range, It’s very demanding. I really need to focus when I’m singing that song. It’s been a long time since I sang it – it was in the setlist many years ago. But I should take it on just to see where I’m standing vocally. I kind of enjoy the fact that not everyone can sing my songs!”

Kitee is the moonshine capital of Finland. What’s the most trashed you’ve ever got on moonshine? Mr Stuff and Nonsense (Facebook)

“I have actually tried it – tasted it - only once in my life. It’s a really hard liquor, like a vodka that was illegal back in the day.”

Hammer: So you’ve never got trashed on moonshine?

“Urgh, no!”

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever read about yourself in the press? Jan Opie (email)

“There are plenty! The one that most affected me was being named a ‘diva’. I do not feel like I am a diva at all, and people that really know me are hopefully with me on this! Perhaps I was misunderstood.”

Hammer: When did you see yourself described that way?

“When I got fired from Nightwish, from my old colleagues. I’ve been able to do a lot of TV work in Finland [Tarja is a judge on Finnish version of The Voice] and people have really seen who I am, there is no faking when cameras are all around you all the time.”

[Nightwish leader and songwriter] Tuomas Holpainen told Metal Hammer he was grateful to you for emailing him after his father died. Did you exchange Christmas cards this year? (Sally S, via email)

“He did say thank you but no, we did not write any Christmas cards…”

Hammer: Do you two have a friendly relationship now?

“I have been singing with [ex-Nightwish bassist] Marko Hietala for many years and he apologised to me in person. He’s the only one who has done that. We got to clean the table. But with Tuomas, it’s been emailing time to time, but not more than that.”

According to the internet, rubber boot throwing, swamp soccer and wife carrying are all actual sports in Finland. Have you tried any of them? Dave Mardwell (Facebook)

“People go into these events and it’s cracking, but I have never been in one. Of course, I’ve done those things with my friends at parties. We’ve been carrying each other, the women carrying women and men carrying men… And I’m a football fan. I support San Lorenzo, an Argentinian football team… but not in a swamp.”

Will you still be doing this when you’re 70, or will you have retired by then? Sami Nieminen (Facebook)

“Absolutely yes, if there is not a severe health issue. I love music and I’m a performer, those moments I share with my audiences are the moments I live for. Look at artists like Paul McCartney. They don’t need the economic support, but they still love going on tour and making music. It’s in them, making them breathe. I want to be there one day as well and say I lived a happy life, with music because music gave me life.”

#Tarja Turunen #2022 interviews

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 5 years ago

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Apparently I’m a poet! | (Giant) Poetry Update #1

Hi everyone!

I realized today I’ve never updated you guys on my poetry ever, and so here’s to starting poetry updates on this blog! A bit of my background in poetry: in December 2019 I began writing “serious” poetry (I had previously written a chapbook that I wouldn’t count lol) so I’m pretty new to the form! I mostly dabble in prose poetry. Let’s dive into everything I’ve written so far.

About: A cyclical, toxic relationship & the desire and yet inability to help someone you love.

I wrote this prose poem in 20 minutes after reading THIS article. I had never written a prose poem but was intrigued by the form, and this strange poem came out of it. At the time, I was working through some personal feelings and found it strangely therapeutic that poetry was the form I finally felt comfortable to write about myself. I felt a certain release I’d never felt in writing after drafting this poem, and though I was uncertain about it, it was the first thing I ever submitted to a literary magazine! To my surprise, it was picked up by Grain Magazine (print-only) and I couldn’t be happier!

About: Immigration, matriarchy, grief, homesickness, mangoes.

Like MWLOTW, I wrote this prose poem in 20 minutes, the occasion being my university’s poetry contest (I was eyeing that prize lol). I actually was going to not submit entirely because I didn’t have a short story prepared, but then I realized... why don’t I just... poem? So right before the deadline, I wrote this poem, sent it in, won first prize and the rest is history lol!

About: A wordsearch poem and poetic homage to my experience with talk therapy

I have no idea where this WILD idea came from, but like with all of my first year writing assignments, it was 100% WEIRD. I thought it would be cool to ~invent a new poetic form that is essentially wordsearch poetry. A reader would be able to parse the particular phrase they see for almost an unlimited amount of combinations (each reader would take away something different). I adore how this poem turned out, and I’d love for it to be picked up somewhere though I’m not actively submitting poems right now.

About: An advertisement for all different types of skin, including human. :) You want it? They got it.

This is a bizarre little prose poem I wrote in a twenty-minute midnight fever dream, promptly forgot about, saw Augur Magazine had a new issue it might fit into, submitted it because in this house we don’t self-reject, and voila, it is now forthcoming in Augur’s winter issue! I can’t describe it beyond it being a literal advertisement for skin. :) I told you it was a midnight fever dream. The piece itself didn’t change much from first draft to what it will be published as, just a few minor line edits and of course, 100% bizarreness.

About: The journey of locating and planting a species of berries that doesn’t exist.

This is one of my most personal poems to date and it holds a very special place in my heart because of the person it is about! This is another prose poem, but unlike the others, wasn’t written in 20 minutes lol! It took me days to really feel comfortable within this poem and finish it off. I had written the first stanza or so within a half hour, but didn’t feel right with how the poem was going, and gave it a break. I came back about a week later and finished it off, and now it is one of my dearest poems. I can’t talk too much about the contents because it is personal, but I love poetry so much for the sole reason that you can write for the people you love in an incomprehensible way.

I’m going to leave this update here, but I hope to be back soon when I write more poems! Poetry is a new form to me, but is so refreshing, and as someone who has always approached language in a “painterly” kind of way, it is the perfect medium to experiment with!

--Rachel

#writing #amwriting #writeblr #writerblr #writingupdates #poetry

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aswellingstorm · 4 years ago

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taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence.

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow.

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her.

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

#not me including almost the entire folklore album on here.........not my explanation solely devolving into brain rot......................#catradora #catra #adora #spop #tswift #long ass post my b

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absoluteindulgence · 5 years ago

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How The Boys Initiate

A/N: This HC is about how the boys initiate sex with the fem reader. I wasn’t able to find the people to tag since I’m still with family but thank you to everyone that’s read my work! I appreciate every like, reblog and follow. I’m thinking of doing something cool when I reach 300 followers, any ideas? I wish all the readers and writers more content that gets us going! Also, I apologize if these HCs are all over the place and long-winded, I wrote these while drunk, sober and sleep-deprived, not in that order either lol. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!! I’m still in 2019 but to all those in the future, see you soon!

☀️🌞MIRIO🌞☀️

It doesn't take much for him to initiate.

He makes jokes while trying to draw you into his level of seduction.

Might mention his "willy" because no matter how many times he'll say it, you'll always laugh

The muscles on his arms and chest tense when he's about to kiss you.

You can tell it a serious kiss by the way he leans down to meet your face.

Moving in slow motion, eyes glowing with light, face tinting pink more and more as he closes in

His lips are pursed but not tightly.

He'll caress your back.

Not for you but for him. The feel of your skin is intoxicating.

He'll calm down but his willy is on go

Deliberately grazing his piece against your thigh.

Depending on where you are, he'll close you in with his body. Trapping you with kisses while his arms tense as you hold onto them and moan.

You have a distinct moan that lets him know you want to proceed.

Definitely one of those that look at you, tells you how beautiful you are even if you look like a burnt chicken nugget. He'll be rubbing on your body until you're flustered and in his words "don't say shit like that". He curses more because he's with you lmao

LITERALLY PICKS YOU UP BRIDAL STYLE TO YOUR ROOM. If you're not there already, he'll still pick you up

But he will be slamming you against a wall then on the bed. He knows you like it rough

He's so romantic it’s sickening

You never get tired of it but you're in awe

Mirio is a simple man but will get very creative in setting the scene.

He listens to what you like. And if you want the fairytale way of lovemaking. He will surprise you with just that.

Depending on the day he had, he'll slowly kiss you all over your neck and collarbone. Days like that he likes to start with missionary but when he does, he just says the corniest shit you've ever heard.

"What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!"

A true fucking jokester to the end

You might even joke back about how you just turned into a Sahara listening to him.

Now, he's about to show you what a real tsunami looks like. Eats your pussy like the most sinful angel you've ever come across

Imagine you're about to give him head after a work out session and before you can. He says, "What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

🐙TAMAKI🐙

Previous to my twerking post he's just gonna jiggle your ass until he feels comfortable enough to ask to go a step further

But before then, he cuddles close to your chest just to hear your heartbeat.

He savors the time you two have away from hero work

Sometimes the grip around you is so tight, you might feel like you'll become one.

He will say the sweetest phrases you've ever heard.

"I’d rather spend every moment holding you than a lifetime knowing I never could."

The first time he says this he'll be buried into your chest so he'll have to repeat it.

When he's certain that he's taken your breath away, he'll whisper sweet nothings that turn into dirty secrets

Confidence has gone into overdrive. Everything he says to you, smooth like butter.

He has a praise kink like Mirio but also loves to praise you to oblivion.

He's so gentle with his touches after you say yes

His lips are tightly pursed at first and his hands are shaky.

He takes small yet slow breaths to psyche himself up to continue touching you.

You're so fragile in his eyes that he repeats to himself, "handle with care"

If you're freaky, he might just shock you with his hasty moves.

Pining your body down to the bed, with a rosy face.

Even if Tamaki's nervous smirk appears, his eyes always have a hungry glint

Craving to fulfill his appetite and make you full

📼SERO📼

First of all, no matter how many times you two have had sex, he smiles.

He's not sure if it's a nervous tick or if he's just that confident.

His dick twitches when you smile back at him too.

Especially when he's inside you.

If you whisper something dirty in his ear, he will physically shudder.

That alone gets you off and he knows it

Pulling him closer to kiss his neck will make his dick spring into action if it hasn't already

He's usually semi-hard. Looking at you makes him weigh his options on where to fuck you and how long should he make you scream his name.

Thinking like that makes him harder than frozen peanut butter.

So, Hanta likes the bed but he really loves when he comes home to your cute ass. And you're taking a shower.

He sheds himself of his hero costume and lives to give you a mini heart attack by sneaking up on you. Usually, while you're washing your face.

It starts with holding your waist from behind. Then his hands’ trail...

His long and slender fingers trail from your hips to your nipples

You're left breathless as he sinks his teeth into your neck on both sides.

Whispering between nibbles, "Did you miss me?" Or "How's my cutie pie doing?"

It drives you mad because of how low of an octave his voice reaches you.

His wet hair tickles the back of your neck as he pulls you close to feel his package

"Now you understand why I'm up, more ways than one."

❄SHOUTO🔥

At first, he's very hesitant to touch you. Even if he's touched starved. We all know this

He's actually vocal when you make him horny

Sometimes he'll outright say it. Other times, he'll sigh. And it's recognizable.

He's a lip biter for sure

Whether you're in a cute outfit or getting ready for bed he's raving about you in his mind and as soon as he finds the words on his tongue, he glorifies you.

He's so polite and if you've had a long ass day, he will just give you a massage.

His strong hands will just wrap around every inch of your body. He'll explain that there's no reason to feel insecure.

He's so honest it’s scary

He praises every part he rubs.

Reminding you why he feels so strongly about you

But after, he gets to know you. He's so fucking horny when he's comfortable with you.

It started when you called him Shouto for the first time

You two were getting a little intimate and it slipped out.

His eyebrows quirked up. He stopped to look at you, a flushed ass mess.

He held your head softly, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

Pulling your face close to his, laying down the smoothest most passionate kisses.

Taking it a step further biting your bottom lip gently.

He trails a couple of love bites down your neck to your breast.

Playing with his hair while buried in your titties will drive him mad.

He will inhale your scent more times than you'll remember how many times he's kissed you

Probably cliche but he's literally burning with passion

👓TENYA👓

Honestly, there are two reasons Tenya will take his glasses off that aren't taking a shower or going to bed: One being just to get a better look at you. And second is, the sight of your face when going down on you.

Aside from tilting his glasses, he will clear his throat more than he should.

A form of pacing himself in what he's about to do.

Say you've teased him all day while he's been working, he's thoughtful about his yearning.

He sweats from the anticipation to conquer you

It’s not an unbearable scent either. It's just enough to smell like an expensive ass cologne and his hard heroism for the day

A deep grunt leaves his body before he dominates you. His grip is sweet but powerful.

His thighs are tense as he lays you across his lap. Taking a deep inhale before every smack to your perfect ass.

His hands were meant to roam every inch of your delicate body and he knows that.

His callous hands grazing your skin is very therapeutic for you. Half the time he's rubbing your ass he can't even think straight let alone hear you. Because he's listening to your ass bounce off the walls.

Every time he spanks you, he suppresses the urge of his cock rising like morning wood.

He gets off suppressing his arousal for you.

So that after he's punished you, his cock is at full attention.

The welts on your ass are a sign of marking you too.

"Only I can control you like this, Angel."

As soon as you make way to the bed, he's controlling you however you like.

He's still not going to let you have your way for another half hour.

Once you're a blubbering mess of overstimulation, his jaw tenses as he rubs your thighs.

Staring at your flower in awe. Ready to ravage you.

👿Shinsou😈

If you say something highly sassy or adorable

He's looking you up and down, shining his pearly whites for you to see.

Whether from across the room or in front of you

He'll teasingly stick out his tongue. Might even say, "Your favorite seat is here." or "Do you wanna take a ride, Kitten?"

Don't look away either. Because he's gonna lift your chin to stare in his eyes

If you stare long enough, he'll say, "Do you see the light you bring me, kitten?"

You will blow up.

He automatically chuckles and peppers your jaw with kisses.

Holding you in his arms from your shoulders to your waist.

He's a confident lover from jump!

Before dating he was unsure about his ability to be liked until you showed up.

While dating, he's very passionate and takes intimacy very seriously with you.

Rubbing your earlobes, touching sensitive spots that make you shudder all over.

Good lord, his jaw is very tense while he stimulates you without undressing you yet.

It's a waiting game, how long can he tease you before you whine.

Shinsou will tease you all night if he can.

#mirio imagines #tamaki imagine #sero imagine #shouto imagines #tenya imagine #shinsou imagine #bnha imagines #smut text #bnha smut #absoluteindulgence headcanons #Mar's Writings

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onestowatch · 4 years ago

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Oston Pens Her Coming-of-Age Story on ‘Am I Talking Too Much? [Q&A]

Photos: Dolly Ave at Lollapalooza

Rising star OSTON is no longer sitting at the kids' table. In her new EP, Am I Talking Too Much?, the singer-songwriter puts her fears, frustrations, and deepest thoughts on display. It’s a victorious display of emotion sonically paired with massive pop moments, an ethereal interlude, impressively sharp lyricism, and so much more.

Am I Talking Too Much?, which has been in the works since 2019, has forged a path through a time of tough life lessons, self-realization, and most importantly confidence. The project navigates topics such as the pressures of growing up and the universal fear of falling in love in just eight poignant tracks. Overall, the EP tells OSTON’s coming-of-age story, learning when to not take things seriously and gaining the ability to spot those who underestimate her tenacity.

We had the chance to chat with OSTON about the making of the EP, what it means to her, and an exclusive track-by-track breakdown.

Tell us about what’s different this time around, versus making your debut EP, Sitting at the Kids Table?

Am I Talking Too Much? feels astronomically different from my debut EP in so many ways. When we were making my first project, Sitting at the Kids Table, I was really focused on creating a project and getting it out into the world rather quickly. The songs were written and produced with a very fast turnaround, and because I was so new to the industry, I was more than okay with that.

After that project came out, I started really digging into my artistry. Since Am I Talking Too Much? was written over the course of two-and-a-half-ish years, I got to choose exactly which songs I felt described this second chapter of my musical life. I went through some huge life changes while writing this EP, and I think that’s very apparent in the story arch of this project.

Taking “last time pt. II” into consideration, do you feel Am I Talking Too Much? is a continuation of the topics explored in Sitting at the Kids Table or does it exist in your head as a separate entity entirely?

This EP feels like an entirely new chapter of my life, just as I hope the next generation of music I put out can serve as something completely new. This project follows me on a journey of moving away from home, shedding toxic relationships and old layers that used to hold me back, and learning not to define myself by how others view me (or at least trying not to). Other than the name “last time pt. ii,” the two songs live as their own entities, and I’m really excited for listeners to discover that.

You have some special collaborators who worked on the EP, can you tell us about your creative journey with everyone who helped this project come to life?

I was lucky enough to get to work with some of my closest friends and collaborators on this project, which is part of the reason it’s so special to me. My boyfriend, Drew, executive produced the whole project (with me staring over his shoulder the whole time). Our great friend, Nydge, came in on two of the songs (“Am I Talking Too Much?” and “Sour”) to help spice up the direction a bit. I also co-wrote a few of the songs with my friends JORDY, lixa, and Mr. Popular—who all helped bring the crazy stories inside my head to life.

What are some of your goals for 2021, if any? Or are you just taking things day by day?

2021 has been an absolutely crazy year for me so far, and I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve already reached a lot of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. For starters, finishing up and releasing this EP has been an enormous box on my to-do list, so finally having it out in the world is a huge accomplishment in itself.

Last weekend, I experienced a crazy, unexpected run of shows – I opened for Omar Apollo at the Metro in Chicago for a Lollapalooza aftershow, and then stepped into the official lineup of Lollapalooza on Friday at the Lake Shore Stage. I hadn’t even imagined playing my first music festival for another year or two! Another bucket list goal of mine has been to go on a support tour with another artist, and I’ll be joining my great friend JORDY on his “Mind Games” tour in the fall!

What do you want listeners to take away from listening to Am I Talking Too Much?

If you listen to this EP and take anything with you, I hope it’s the understanding that there is always room to make mistakes, and nobody ever gets everything right the first time around. We all live through our own tragedies, and that’s what makes us the badass people that we are.

Would you mind breaking down each track on the project for us?

“Am I Talking Too Much?”

This was actually the first song we wrote for this project. At the time, I was thinking it would just be a single, but I could never get over the idea of a whole body of work called “Am I Talking Too Much?.” It just felt so fitting with who I am as a person.

The concept came from a date where I was talking with this guy, and he turned to me and said, “Wow, you sure talk a lot don’t you?” I walked away reflecting on how talking “too much” and overthinking are such big characteristics of mine. But, it’s also a part of what makes me who I am, and I realized that maybe the people who love and accept me for that are the people I really want in my life anyways.

“Hypocrite!”

“Hypocrite!” was such a fun and quick one to write that came from one day in the studio with the amazing writer/producer Mr. Popular. We started talking and joking about the stereotypical “shitty ex” that gaslights you and tries to make you think that everything they do is somehow your fault. It was particularly fun and therapeutic for me because I got to pull from multiple different relationships throughout my life to create this one sort of evil, hypocritical character as the star of the song.

“I Think You Should Leave”

Man, I love this song. It’s such a fun one! I’ve never really let myself get as pop as I did with this one. Drew and I really just aimed to have a fun time writing this one and wanted it to be as out-there as it could. I’d call this the “party anthem” of the project, telling off all the haters and mansplainers. This is the song that gets the most hate on social media, and it’s quite funny to me that the main group of people getting angry online are exactly the demographic we wrote it about.

“Lie About You”

“Lie About You” was the last song written for this project. In all reality, the song was never supposed to see the light of day. After I got the demo back, I actually really hated the song and it felt way too personal and on-the-nose with what I was going through to ever release.

I don’t know what willed me to throw the demo up on TikTok (maybe it was the fact I was visiting home, drinking wine, and feeling sappy as per usual) but the next morning I woke up to a viral video and thousands of people asking me to release the song for real. That same day I was supposed to announce “I Think You Should Leave,” but my management called me and was like “Dude, we’ve gotta finish this one and put it out like, tomorrow.” and that’s exactly what we did!

“Hurt Like___”

“Hurt Like___” came at a time when I wanted to write something really sad and emotional, even though that wasn’t how I was actually feeling in the moment. I decided to write this alternate ending for my relationship with Drew—one where I had let my fear of things going wrong take over. I wrote the story of our breakup and how I thought I would’ve felt if we ended things when I moved to LA, instead of continuing to date long-distance and then eventually move in together. I’ve actually never written a song from this point of view before, so it was pretty challenging, but so worth it.

“How To Feel Human”

JORDY, Drew and I wrote this on a little trip to Drew’s old Chicago studio in the middle of the pandemic. We all had a little pink wine (this was also the same week that we wrote “Tomorrow” for JORDY’s project, so clearly we were feeling pretty sappy) and we started reminiscing about how easy things used to be when we were younger and living at home with our parents – even though it didn’t always seem like it back then.

We realized that as you get older and move away from your upbringing, the idea of “home” starts to become less and less clear. You start to find “home” in the places you move to and the people you surround yourself with, and the childhood memories of “home” sort of start to fade into the distance. It’s a pretty somber topic, but when you surround yourself with the right people, it makes growing up a whole lot easier.

“last time pt. II”

All I’ll say about this one is that Drew and I wrote it before our very first date. It was kind of our way of saying goodbye to the people in our lives that were holding us back, and realizing what we had sitting right in front of us. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it.

“Sour”

Sour is my unapologetically-honest diary entry to myself. Funny enough, this record actually started out in a completely hyper-pop direction with massive synths and drums, but I couldn’t get any of the lyrics or melodies to make sense. When we went back in and stripped it down to just piano vocals, this whole story started flowing out of me. I started asking myself why I treat myself the way that I do, and similarly, why society encourages us to be so critical of ourselves and one another.

I wanted to pay tribute in this song to one of my biggest musical inspirations, which is the Melodrama album by Lorde and Jack Antonoff. The outro bit of the song deviates away from the piano/vocal vibe and shifts into a very musical, ethereal space. This is where the project starts to culminate and become blurry—I wanted this bit to feel like a conclusion to the chaos of the seven songs that came before it.

Ending the song with the words “but I gotta go” felt like the best parting gift as I left to start another chapter of my musical life.

#oston #interview #am I talking too much?#singer songwriter #pop

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mentalhealthandgames · 4 years ago

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Analysis on Celeste:

Celeste is an Indie 2D platformer developed and published by ‘Extremely OK Games’. Its plot is simpler than the ones of the other two games as it consists of much more gameplay (consisting of platforming) than the other games I am discussing: it’s about a girl whose default name is Madeline who wants to climb a mountain called Celeste Mountain.

Madeline has anxiety, and has to learn breathing techniques to prevent panic attacks. I think this is good because breathing techniques are very useful against panic attacks, and the way they are incorporated in the game means the player can practice them alongside Madeline which might encourage them to use breathing techniques in real life in situations where they may be needed. Although the gameplay mechanic of using the breathing technique to progress is shown to not always be successful, I think this is also important because sometime breathing techniques or other coping mechanisms won’t work. For me, for example I have had many times where breathing techniques have helped me get through my panic attacks more easily and many other times when I’ve been far too overwhelmed to focus on them properly and therefore struggle with the panic attack for longer. The way the game makes the player help Madeline through her panic attacks I think also provokes empathy in the player as it really puts them in her shoes.

The player never finds out the cause of Madeline’s mental health conditions, which I also think is a good thing, because most media shows mental health conditions as caused by severe trauma, and that can be the case, as trauma is seen as a common cause for most mental health problems. However depression and/or anxiety can also be caused by other factors, such as stress, lack of sleep, drug or alcohol abuse or a combination of similar factors or by trauma that isn’t as severe as ones shown in media. There is some discussion in mental health communities of how the idea mostly spread by the media that most people with mental health conditions have developed them as a result of severe trauma can be harmful to people whose mental health conditions developed as a result of other factors. This is because it can make people feel that their mental health problems are not as valid or serious as those of people’s that did develop from severe trauma, which is not the case, as all mental health problems are valid and should be treated seriously. Therefore the fact that the cause of Madeline’s mental health problems is not explained makes it more relatable for more people with mental health conditions and also might bring awareness to people who don’t have mental health problems that they can just be a part of life that developed without any severe trauma as the direct cause.

A main part of the plot is a character who I have seen referred to as either Madeline’s subconscious or the physical representation of her mental health conditions, known as ‘A Part of [Madeline]’ in the game and referred to as Badeline by fans and in game extras. I will refer to her as Badeline simply because it is easier. Badeline consistently attempts to prevent Madeline from completing her climb of Mount Celeste, mocking, chasing and fighting her. In Chapter 6 of the game, Madeline after a talk with her friend Theo (who had taught her the breathing technique), confronts Badeline, saying: “you’re everything I need to leave behind”. Badeline gets aggressive and when Madeline tries to use her breathing exercise Badeline stops it from working and Madeline falls down all the way back to the base of the mountain. There she once again meets a recurring character simply known as Granny, who recommends that Madeline talks to Badeline instead of fighting her, saying “figure out why she’s so scared”. When Madeline finds Badeline again she tries to talk to her, and tries to convince her to join forces. Badeline gets angry and they then start to fight. Badeline then says: “Fine. You win. I guess you don’t need me after all. If you want me to go away, I’ll try.” Madeline replies: “that’s not what I want. I need your help now more than ever. Please. Let’s work together… it’s okay to be scared.” They then hug and recombine into a levelled up version of Celeste who finally is able to finish climbing the mountain (or rather fly through it). “Madeline never “defeats” her anxiety and depression. Though you spend the majority of the trek fighting against and trying to escape [Badeline]—or, rather, her self-loathing and low self-esteem—you ultimately crest the mountain by realizing that mental illness isn’t something you can browbeat into submission. Madeline learns that hating her anxiety and depression only exacerbate their effects. By accepting every facet of her personality, and learning to be kinder to herself, Madeline finally climbs Celeste Mountain. “Creating this game and guiding Madeline through her journey made it obvious to me that acceptance was the only way forward,” Thorson wrote me. We all owe ourselves that kind of realization�� (Clarke, 2018). I think this message of acceptance is a very important one. People with mental health conditions spend a lot of their time struggling against their conditions and trying to regain control of their life, but accepting their mental health conditions as part of life can actually make it easier to carry on with their life. This is a message that really resonated with me personally as when I was hearing voices as a result of my psychosis I felt like I was constantly fighting against myself to try and move forward. This ending, of Madeline accepting all of herself, subverts expectations and stereotypes, as most people see mental health something to be pushed down, hidden or beaten.

Maddy Thorson (the creator of Celeste) has said that the game is based on their own experiences with mental health as well as those of their team. “Our top priorities were to tell a story that meant something to us and explore these topics from a individual perspective, to draw players into this world with these characters we grew to love,” Thorson said. “Our intention going in wasn’t to represent mental illness in general, or to make a ‘how to deal with depression’ guide, and we didn’t think to consult professionals on the topic” (Grayson, 2018). This makes the representation feel extremely genuine. The game has been praised by many fans and critics for how relatable its mental health representation is. It is incredibly successful for an Indie game and given that the story is entirely about mental health, this implies that mental health representation that feels genuine and relatable is important for a lot of people. Maddy Thorson, when asked “how many copies has Celeste sold to date?” in an interview from 2019, said: “I don't have an exact up-to-date number, but I know we're coming up on a million copies soon. Which is unbelievable to us” (Marks, 2019). Given that the interview is from 2 years ago, the amount of copies sold is likely past one million by now.

The game is a platformer and was designed to be extremely difficult, but also to give hope and encourage the player not to give up, which I think is echoed in the message as Madeline is shown to be brave for accepting herself and her mental health problems, which is essentially the opposite of giving up. The game also has an ‘assist mode’ which includes motivational phrases such as “you can do this” to encourage the player to keep on going and the difficulty of the game can itself also be seen as trying to represent how difficult struggles with mental health can be. I think the game was made for people with mental health conditions in mind as a large part of the target audience as Maddy Thorson said it was therapeutic to make and clearly shares their own, and their team’s experiences with mental health and so is relatable for a lot of people with mental health conditions. In fact almost every review I read on Celeste also included the reviewer sharing their own mental health experiences and how the game resonated with them.

Overall it is probably the most popular of the games I am discussing and I think that is for a good reason. I found it an incredibly striking and genuine story of struggling with mental health with important messages such as ‘don’t give up’ and ‘self-acceptance is important’. These messages are said often and can be patronising but playing the game and experiencing Madeline’s struggle to accept herself and to manage to achieve her goal while struggling with her mental health makes those phrases feel real and possible to achieve.

References:

Marks, T (2019) Celeste Sequel (Probably) Won’t Happen, Developer Says. Available at:

https://www.ign.com/articles/2019/09/07/celeste-developer-doesnt-want-to-make-a-sequel-new-game-in-the-works (accessed at: 24 February 2021)

Clarke, N (2018) My Biggest Revelations of 2018 Came From an Indie Video Game. Available at:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/pa5937/my-biggest-revelations-of-2018-came-from-an-indie-video-gameAccessed at: 24 February 2021)

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your-dietician · 4 years ago

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Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/entertainment/billie-eilish-and-the-pursuit-of-happiness/

Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

210413_ROLLING_STONE_06_1486_v4-billie-opener – Credit: Yana Yatsuk for Rolling Stone

From the outside, the house isn’t terribly different from others on the block: a cozy bungalow in L.A.’s Highland Park neighborhood with an old lilac tree blooming near the entrance. In fact, it’s legendary: the place where a prodigal teenager and her older brother recorded the album that made Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell the queen of Gen-Z pop.

It’s a location familiar to any Eilish fan, and at first glance on an absurdly beautiful day in April, not much appears to have changed about the house in the couple of years since it became famous, along with its teenage occupant. The O’Connell family’s rescue dog, Pepper, trudges through the backyard, now joined by Eilish’s year-old rescue, Shark, a gray pit bull. Signs of home-schooling linger in common areas, like an old-fashioned pencil sharpener attached to the wall and dingy supplies precariously placed on a desk.

More from Rolling Stone

But look closer, and plenty is different. For starters, contemporary pop’s most famous home studio, set up in the childhood bedroom of Billie’s brother Finneas, is no longer a studio. Instead, the siblings’ mom, Maggie Baird, has taken over the space. “It still looks similar. There’s just no equipment,” Billie insists as she greets me in her kitchen, gathering ingredients and utensils for the cookies she wants to bake. Her mom’s added a blue rug to the bedroom and sleeps there with their cat, Misha. “We kept [the studio] for a while, then we were like ‘We don’t need this,’ ” Eilish says.

Finneas moved out a couple of years ago, settling down in Los Feliz with his influencer girlfriend Claudia Sulewski. He constructed a new studio in his basement, where he and Eilish began recording music last year. Eilish is, at first, cagey about admitting that she’s moved out as well. “I’m secretive about what’s really going on,” she offers conspiratorially, rummaging around the cabinets of her parents’ kitchen like a college student visiting home on a long weekend. “It’s been a couple of years now where I’ve been doing my own thing. But secretly, because nobody needs to know that.”

Story continues

Eilish hasn’t been totally lying about where she lives; she still spends a lot of nights in her childhood bedroom. “I just love my parents, so I want to be around them,” she says, shrugging. Maggie and her husband, Patrick O’Connell, buzz in and out of the kitchen, commenting on the cookie baking and helping Eilish use the old oven. Eilish is sporting her new blond-bombshell look. A 180 from her formerly signature black-with-green-roots ’do, the new hair caused an uproar when she debuted it on Instagram in March. Today it’s damp from a shower, and she’s cozied up in a black T-shirt from her own merch store, along with a pair of matching sweats. On today’s menu are vegan, gluten-free peanut-butter-and-chocolate-chip cookies. She’s reading off an old recipe displayed on a food-stained printout that has clearly been well-utilized over the years. Eilish used to make them whenever she was sad. “It was a therapeutic thing for me,” she explains.

It’s been a while since she’s made the cookies (“You’re seeing history,” she teases). She’s found other ways to process her feelings, namely through writing her second album, Happier Than Ever, which is due out July 30th. The title is no fiction: She has, in fact, felt happier than she ever had before. But like a lot of things in her life, it’s not quite that simple.

“Almost none of the songs on this album are joyful,” Eilish explains, refuting the possibility that her second album is the bright, cheery counterpoint to 2019’s When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? The Babadook-inspired debut conjured up vivid memories of night terrors and lucid dreams over textures ranging from industrial electro-pop to jazzy ballads. Her videos were just as dark, full of spiders and black tears covering her face.

On the surface, Happier Than Ever is a different kind of nightmare. Emotional abuse, power struggles, and mistrust — stories drawn from Eilish’s life and the lives of people she knows — take up much of the lyrics, alongside musings on fame and fantasies of secret romantic rendezvous. The sound is mellowed out from the haunted-house sprawl of her debut: lush, somber, mesmerizing electronic soundscapes trickle down your spine, right along with Eilish’s words.

And yet, even on the darkest songs there are moments of reflection, growth and, most important, hope. This is an album from someone who began to heal long before she wrote it. Or at least tried to.

“Have you ever gotten stung on your head by a bee?”

Eilish mentions she got stung “like 20 times” on a camping trip when she was eight or nine. It’s a story she’s told before. “I don’t know why that popped into my head,” she says. “Why did that pop into my head? I have no idea.”

She posed the question after a bit of mesmerized silence as we watched Shark go to town on an empty can of peanut butter. Eilish doesn’t like silence; she even narrates the cookie baking like a food vlogger. She shows me how to make oat flour (“It’s literally oats on their own; pour them in this thing [a Vitamix blender], full power”) and figuring out the right chocolate chip to peanut-butter-dough ratio. (“Some people like too many. I like too little.”)

“I can’t go to the bathroom without watching something on my phone,” she says. “I can’t brush my teeth. I can’t wash my face.” Over the past year she rewatched a lot of things: Sherlock, The Office “probably like six times,” New Girl “like four times,” Jane the Virgin. There was also time for Good Girls, Killing Eve, The Flight Attendant, The Undoing, and Promising Young Woman “like four times.”

“It’s all on my phone,” she explains. She rarely watches anything on TV, except The Twilight Saga, which she took in for the first time recently, with a friend. “I just watch it while I do anything because it takes my mind off the reality of life. I should go on My Strange Addiction,” she says, coincidentally referencing her 2019 song of the same name (which, by the way, samples dialogue from The Office).

Eilish can’t really go outside anymore. There are paparazzi and creeps waiting for her every move, and some have threatened her safety to the point that she needed a restraining order against them. The instant recognizability of her When We All Fall Asleep-era look — bright-green hair, oversize clothes, saucer-like ocean eyes — helped keep her caged. She grew resentful: “I was a kid and I wanted to do kid shit. I didn’t want to be not able to fucking go to a store or the mall. I was very angry and not grateful about it.”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

When We All Fall Asleep and the image she projected at the time marked her uniqueness from the rest of the pop world. But those things also cemented a view of her she’d love to leave behind. I mention an instruction during a musical challenge on a recent season of RuPaul’s Drag Race where a competing drag queen was told the song she was performing was “very Billie Eilish.”

“What do they think when they think that? Do they think what the internet thinks, which is whispering or whatever the fuck people say? Anytime I see an impression on the internet, it just reminds me how little the internet knows about me. Like, I really don’t share shit. I have such a loud personality that makes people feel like they know everything about me and they literally don’t at all.” She wants people to understand a few things: “That I can sing. That I’m a woman. That I have a personality.” Happier Than Ever offers a statement on all of the above.

“Anytime I hear somebody say, ‘Oh, your songs sound the same,’ it gets me. That’s one thing I really try hard to not do. I think the people that say that have literally only heard ‘Bad Guy’ and ‘Therefore I Am.’ ” Both of those songs feature Eilish’s tendency for muted, moody sing-rapping. These days, she’s channeling the jazziness in her voice, a timbre honed from years of touring, on songs like “My Future” and “Your Power.”

Eilish’s privacy was more precious than she had initially realized. She put a lot of herself out for the world to consume early in her career, when she was an “annoying 16-year-old” (her words) trying to engage with her fandom the way she wanted her favorite artists like Justin Bieber to do back when she was a preteen fan. “It’s sad because I can’t give the fans everything they want,” she says. “The bigger I’ve gotten, the more I understand why [my favorite celebrities] couldn’t do all the things I wanted them to do.”

She struggles to find the right way to frame it. “It wouldn’t make sense to people who aren’t in this world. If I said what I was thinking right now, [the fans] would feel the same way I did when I was 11. They’d be like, ‘It would be so easy. You could just do it.’ No. It’s crazy the amount of things you don’t think about before it’s right in front of you.”

Eilish describes her life as “normal as hell,” and at times, it is. She’s watching Twilight. Going on first dates again, as discreetly as possible. Getting first tattoos (she got a giant black dragon on her right thigh in November and “Eilish,” in an ornate, gothic font, in the middle of her chest the day after the 2020 Grammys). “That’s why it’s hilarious when I see, like, ‘10 reasons why we think Billie -Eilish is in the illuminati,’ ” she says. “I’m like, you know how regular I am, dude?”

She wants to share more details with her fans, but the thought makes her nervous. The songs on Happier Than Ever are buzzing with the fear of “interviews, interviews, interviews,” of the names of abusers or toxic friends being forever tied to her, of her own words coming back to haunt her.

“I wish that I could tell the fans everything I think and feel and it wouldn’t live on the internet forever. And be spoken about and called problematic, or called whatever the fuck anybody wants to call any thoughts that a human has,” she explains. “The other sad thing is that they don’t actually know me. And I don’t really know them, but obviously we’re connected. The problem is you feel like you know somebody, but you don’t. And then it’s like, yeah. It’s just a lot.”

We move outside, to the sole picnic table in the yard, and enjoy the warm, crumbly peanut butter cookies. Shark finds a particularly bright patch of sunlight to lie in. Suddenly, he hops up and runs along the fence, in response to the barks of a neighbor’s dog that he desperately wants to befriend. Eilish is a bit jealous.

“Don’t you just wish that was you?”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“My mom was saying this yesterday,” Eilish says. “When you’re happier than ever, that doesn’t mean you’re the happiest that anyone’s ever been. It means you’re happier than you were before.”

After an adolescence plagued with depression, body dysmorphia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, Eilish started feeling better in the summer of 2019, while on tour in Europe. It was shortly after the release of When We All Fall Asleep, and she was seeing a therapist, had just broken up with a boyfriend, and was joined on the road with one of her best friends (as well as, of course, her parents and brother). “I was thriving,” she says. “I felt exactly like who I was. Everything around me was exactly how it was supposed to be. I felt like I was getting better. I felt happier than ever. And I tried to continue that.”

Early 2020 was a whirlwind. Eilish swept the Big Four categories at the Grammys and started a headlining tour that would have eaten up most of her year. She was more excited than she had been for previous tours, which left her with sprained ankles, shin splints, and chronic pain. She played all of three dates before the pandemic forced her to cancel the rest.

Eilish kind of got to say goodbye to the When We All Fall Asleep era (and the look that helped make her famous) at the Grammys this year, performing the one-off single “Everything I Wanted” with Finneas. Happier Than Ever was nearly complete, but she wasn’t yet ready to show off her new blond look. So she hid it beneath a green-and-black wig. “It was weird,” she reflects. “I was playing this former Billie Eilish with green hair, singing a song from a year and a half prior, while I have 16 new songs that I haven’t put out yet. The fans didn’t really even know that it was a goodbye to an era. That’s kind of heartbreaking but endearing at the same time.”

Recorded as the world went on pause, Happier Than Ever was an opportunity to dig into her personal trauma. “I went through some crazy shit, and it really affected me and made me not want to go near anyone ever,” she says, though she declines to give details.

Like everything Eilish does, the lyrics are sure to spark debate, side-eye emojis, and conspiracy theories as people ponder who she’s singing about. The songs are a mosaic of experience, ripped from her own life and those of people she knows. They juggle deadbeats, secret lovers, emotional abusers. Eilish won’t name names or get into specifics, and she’s quick to remind that this is not just her life she’s talking about. But she also says the stories in the new songs are more honest than When We Fall Asleep, which she describes as “almost all fictional.”

Eilish says she’s letting go of the Old Billie, who would tuck away her own emotions to make others feel better. “There’ve been times where I’ve been really affected by somebody, and I said to them, ‘I need to tell you how you’ve made me feel.’ And they said something that was like, ‘I can’t handle this right now. I just can’t handle this right now. This is going to be too much for me.’ ”

She says she spent so long “being fucked with” and had to realize that while the toxic traits she sings about were often born out of pain, that doesn’t make it OK. “I was talking to a friend about their life, and they told me all this crazy traumatizing shit that happened to them. And I’m like, ‘Oh, right, you don’t have to treat everyone like a piece of garbage, just because you’ve been hurt.’ It’s OK to be traumatized by something and have bad instincts, but also, there’s no excuse for abusing people. There just is not. I feel like everything is excuses all the time. Excuses, excuses.”

Album opener “Getting Older” was particularly harrowing to write. “Wasn’t my decision to be abused,” she sings over a delicately plucking synth beat. By the end, she lays bare what’s on her mind. “I’ve had some trauma/Did things I didn’t wanna/Was too afraid to tell ya/But now I think it’s time.” Eilish recognizes how shocked listeners may be by the rawness of the song. “I had to take a break in the middle of writing that one, and I wanted to cry, because it was so revealing. And it’s just the truth.”

The title track, which starts like a mopey breakup song, then fires off into an electric-guitar-driven rager, was the first thing she started writing for the album, back on the European tour where she felt like she was thriving. The rest of the songs bare different kinds of catharsis, teetering between sexy, electronic beats and warm folkiness, reminiscent of her earliest music. Each song is delicate, sensuous, and balancing naked vulnerability with a bit of self-protective confidence posturing.

Writing about her deepest emotions wasn’t easy for someone who had painstakingly kept the details of her relationships under lock and key. “I’ve been in two [relationships],” she says. “I’ve experienced a lot in what I have done. But I’ve never been in something really real and normal.” The news cycle and fan response to her Apple TV documentary, The World’s a Little Blurry, earlier this year cemented her decision not to name names or get specific about details in the new songs. People are like “ ‘Well, you’re an artist, so when you put something out there like that, you can’t expect people to not dive into it more.’ Yes I can,” she says. “You should absolutely respect me giving you this much information and saying, ‘This is all you get.’ The rest is for my own brain.”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

The most the world has gotten to see of Eilish’s romantic life was in The World’s a Little Blurry, which spanned from the final weeks of recording When We All Fall Asleep in late 2018 through the 2020 Grammy Awards. Eilish wasn’t necessarily psyched for it to come out. “I don’t like to share that part of my life, and I was not planning on sharing that part of my life ever,” she says.

Her ex, Brandon Adams, an artist who performs under the name 7:AMP, played a pivotal role in the film. The World’s a Little Blurry showcases a painful give-and-take between Eilish and Adams, who was then in his twenties. In the aftermath of the documentary, fans went after Adams and his family on social media.

Many have assumed Eilish’s chilling single “Your Power,” which mentions a relationship between a teen girl and an older man, is about Adams. Eilish — who released the song in late April, along with a statement saying, in part, “this is about many different situations that we’ve all either witnessed or experience” — strongly objects to this notion. “Everybody needs to shut up,” she says. The documentary, she insists, “was a microscopic, tiny, tiny little bit of that relationship. Nobody knows about any of that, at all. I just wish people could just stop and see things and not have to say things all the time.”

Eilish describes herself as “clingy,” but since she and Adams broke up in 2019, she’s spent the past two years trying to learn how to exist on her own. “I didn’t know how before,” she explains, “which is ironic because I had never been in a relationship that allowed me to really exist with that person anyway. My emotion always is because of somebody else’s, and that had been such a big pain in the ass.”

She’s still trying to grow out of that. “You heal eventually.”

Eilish and I actually weren’t supposed to meet at her parents’ house. She wanted me to see where she recorded Happier Than Ever, in Finneas’ basement studio. But a pipe burst, nearly destroying the space. “The room had to be completely rebuilt,” he explains later over Zoom. “But my hard drives, synthesizers, and guitars and stuff were all fine. I feel very lucky for that.”

Eilish speaks with relief at how much less draining the recording process for Happier Than Ever was compared with her debut. It was partially due to some peak-mom advice from Maggie early in the pandemic. After nearly a month of lockdown, Maggie suggested that her kids get on a weekly schedule. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, Eilish would drive her matte-black Dodge Challenger over to Finneas’ house. Some days they would write songs. Other days they’d play Animal Crossing or Beat Saber. Every day they would eat good meals: “A lot of Taco Bell, homemade pizza, taro boba, Thai food,” Eilish lists. “Crossroads and Little Pine. Nic’s once. Fatburger once. It was such a reward.”

In The World’s a Little Blurry, the teen’s misery is palpable as she finishes When We All Fall Asleep. Eilish and Finneas had been largely left to their own devices, but pressure still loomed from the label. There were deadlines (the album was due right around her 17th birthday), constant meetings, and an expectation that a star was about to be born, thanks to a couple of years of growing buzz. “I hated every second of it,” she admits. “I hated writing. I hated recording. I literally hated it. I would’ve done anything else. I remember thinking there’s no way I’m making another album after this. Absolutely not.”

This time, there was no pressure. No notes from the label. No meetings. No rush to meet deadlines. “No one has a say anymore,” Billie says. “It’s literally me and Finneas and no one else.” On April 3rd, 2020, the first day of their new weekly work schedule, they wrote “My Future.” Within a couple of months, they realized that they were making an album.

She pulls out a clear acrylic sign holder with the track list written in marker, songs clearly erased and moved around. “I think I’m going to frame this,” she says, smiling. There are some water stains on it, since it got drizzled on when Finneas’ studio flooded.

The 16 songs on the album are the only 16 they worked on. The pair are completists: Once they start a song, they have to see it through with meticulous precision until it’s perfect to them. The way the album sounds is a testament to that, each song a unique, avant-pop soundscape that elevates the baroque trip-hop-ness of her debut.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I admire artists that can make, like, three songs in a day and keep doing that over and over,” Eilish muses. She compares songwriting to running, in that it would be “fucking exhausting” to do all the time. “Songwriting is like that for me. I’m pretty good at it, but it takes a lot out of me. I feel like I just ran a marathon whenever I write a song.”

Finneas saw the change in his sister this time around. She liked writing songs, feeling less tortured by the process than before. “It’s been awesome as a big brother to see her become more confident and feel more ownership and just to be more excited than I’ve ever seen her about the music that we’re making,” he says. “I also just think she has objectively gotten even better. That’s my opinion. If she were an Olympic gymnast or something, she would’ve gotten better. She’d be able to do a higher vault or something.”

Since “Bad Guy,” Finneas has become one of pop’s most in-demand producers, working with everyone from Tove Lo to Selena Gomez. He also has his own solo career that’s taken off, though the studio flood came at the worst time possible for it, as he was working on his debut album. Eilish has found Finneas’ career outside of being her creative partner to be “fucking great” and easy for them to adjust to. “It doesn’t interfere at all, and it’s fun for him,” she says. “He only does what he wants to do. He’s not a slave to it.”

“I scratch a lot of itches working with Billie,” Finneas continues. “I think my primary goal was to just go deeper. This was Billie’s sophomore album, you just . . . you have the opportunity to go further inward and further down in your Mariana’s Trench.”

Finneas says that their process is “50-50” creatively, and he speaks proudly about the gated tremolo and distortion that elevate songs like “Oxytocin” and “NDA,” two tracks that look at romance and hookups through the lens of a very famous person attempting to have both under the radar.

“Billie Bossa Nova” takes that theme one step further, building a fantasy around the life of a touring pop star. “We have to do a lot of goofy bullshit when we go on tour, where we enter through freight elevators in hotels and stuff, so that paparazzi doesn’t follow us to our room,” he explains.

“And so we acted as if there was also a secret love affair going on in there of Billie being like, ‘Nobody saw me in the lobby/Nobody saw me in your arms,’ as if there was a mystery person in her life during all of that.”

“I write songs with my brother, and we kind of have to plug our ears when we’re writing about desire for other people because we’re fucking siblings,” Eilish says later. Songs like “Oxytocin,” named for the hormone released in the bloodstream due to love or childbirth, has her wondering “What would people say . . . if they listen through the wall?” over a slinky beat. The folky “Male Fantasy” features her distracting herself with pornography, then meditating on the effect porn has on men.

“The thing is, we’re very open about both of our lives, so it’s not weird, really,” she continues. “It’s just fun. It’s songwriting and it’s storytelling. We just have to think about the art of it and not think too hard about [the lyrics].”

As 50-50 as they are, Finneas drives home the fact that everything is under Eilish’s name for a reason. “In many instances we’ve been asked about our relationship as a duo when it’s billed as a solo artist,” Finneas says. “It’s her life. It’s all her world. I’m helping her articulate that, but it’s really her experiences that she lived through, and on this album she let me into it a lot. But I don’t know what that’s like to go through.”

He quotes his friend, the singer-songwriter Bishop Briggs, who says writing is how she copes with everything. Finneas agrees. “Billie making this album was her working through a lot of this stuff.”

When Eilish releases a new song, she can’t listen to it again. It disappears into the universe, only to be heard by its maker if she happens to catch it as it’s played on radio every hour on the hour. “It’s not because I don’t like it anymore,” she explains. Happier Than Ever has become Eilish’s favorite album in the world, but she’s already mourning the loss of it, months before it even comes out. As we talk, it’s a couple of weeks before the first single is even public knowledge.

“I don’t know how to explain this, but all the songs on the album feel like a specific time, because they feel like when I wrote them and made them,” she explains. “It’s so funny that to the rest of the world it’s going to feel like a certain moment for them, and it’s going to be so different than mine. That’s such a weird, weird thing to wrap my head around. And I will fucking love it. I love it. That’s the reason you do this. It’s for that.”

When Eilish and I speak one last time, “Your Power” has been out for a few days. It spurred reflective conversations online, with many women sharing their own experiences with sexual or emotional abuse. The lyrics about an older partner taking advantage of a younger woman struck a particular chord, and Eilish herself is still processing that reaction.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I feel like people actually really, really listened to the lyrics,” she says, flopping around her room in an oversize Powerpuff Girls shirt. “I was scared for it to come out because it’s my favorite song I’ve ever written. I felt the world didn’t deserve it.”

She broke her own Instagram “like” record that weekend as well: Her shoot for British Vogue showed her in more revealing clothes than she had ever been pictured in, channeling Forties boudoir shoots. The images were a topic of internet obsession for days: Was it a betrayal of her more “modest”-seeming fashion before? Did she make the decision herself? But it’s not like her body hadn’t been up for debate even when it was clothed: Her baggy outerwear was used to shame her peers, and she was subjected to belittling, fatphobic assumptions from the too-curious. “I saw a picture of me on the cover of Vogue [from] a couple of years ago with big, huge oversize clothes [next to] the picture of [the latest Vogue]. Then the caption was like, ‘That’s called growth.’ I understand where they’re coming from, but at the same time, I’m like, ‘No, that’s not OK. I’m not this now, and I didn’t need to grow from that.’ ”

Like her fashion experiments, Happier Than Ever is not about resetting who Billie Eilish even is. It’s about expanding the definition and range. But like she feared, she stopped listening to “Your Power” after it came out. “I don’t know. Something changes,” she says, still confused by her own habit.

The song has already taken on a life of its own, so she doesn’t have many expectations for how people will react to the rest of the as-yet-unheard songs. She’d like to make a visual for each track, and plans to embark on a world tour at some point.

She has one other wish for her new music. “I hope people break up with their boyfriends because of it,” she says, with only the slightest tinge of humor. “And I hope they don’t get taken advantage of.”

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THE MANY HEALTH BENEFITS OF METH

In low, pharmaceutical-grade doses, methamphetamine may actually repair and protect the brain in certain circumstances. But stigma against the drug could be harming patients and holding back research.

TROY FARAHMAY 15, 2019

D-methamphetamine is what generally appears on the street—although it's often cut with other chemicals—whereas l-meth provides a less addictive, shorter-lived high that is less desirable among drug users.

(Photo: Fiona Goodall/Getty Images)

Ask your doctor about methamphetamine. It's not a phrase you'll ever hear on TV or the radio, but here's a secret: Meth is an incredible medicine. Even the Drug Enforcement Administration admits it, and doctors are known to prescribe it for narcolepsy, obesity, and ADHD. Historically, meth has been used to reverse barbiturate overdoses and even raise blood pressure during surgery. Some preliminary research suggests that meth can be neuroprotective against stroke and traumatic brain injury, even stimulating the growth of brain cells.

Yet we're constantly warned never to try meth—"not even once," goes the refrain—or it will instantly cause addiction and ruin your life. Before fentanyl was the demon drug du jour, meth was seen as the worst, most destructive, most evil chemical you could find on the streets. Even of late, if you ask the New York Times or NBC, you'll learn that meth, "the forgotten killer," is back with a "vengeance." Other outlets, from Rolling Stone to CNN to The Daily Beast, have raised the alarm about meth use in the context of the opioid overdose crisis.

Stimulant-related deaths are indeed on the rise in North America—in some regions, meth is even more prevalent than heroin. Surveying drug overdoses in America from 1979 through 2016, researchers wrote in Science in September of 2018 that "Methamphetamine deaths have increased most dramatically in the western and southwestern United States."

Meth poisonings accounted for an estimated 14,845 hospitalizations in 2015, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and another 15,808 emergency room visits. In 2016, around 7,500 people died from overdosing on stimulants, including meth. If you ask most people, including policymakers, you'll hear that meth is a scourge that can do no good.

But if you've ever used something like Vicks VapoInhaler, you've experienced the healing benefits of meth firsthand. That's because the over-the-counter nasal decongestant contains levomethamphetamine, the levorotary form—or "mirror image"—of the same stuff from Breaking Bad. Procter & Gamble tries to obscure this fact by spelling the active ingredient "levmetamfetamine." Selegiline, a drug for treating Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, also metabolizes into levomethamphetamine.

There is a significant difference between these two opposing molecules. D-methamphetamine is what generally appears on the street—although it's often cut with other chemicals—whereas l-meth provides a less addictive, shorter-lived high that is less desirable among drug users. But people can and do use it recreationally. Abuse is rare, however, in part because the high is shitty, but also because d-meth is so widely available. It's easier to buy a more powerful form of the drug on the street than it is to try to extract it from over-the-counter medications.

Other Americans are prescribed actual, pure meth by their doctors. It happens less frequently these days, but in ADHD, obesity, or narcolepsy cases where nothing else has worked, a drug called Desoxyn (methamphetamine hydrochloride) can sometimes help. It can even be prescribed to children as young as seven.

It's important to make these distinctions. Meth didn't make a "comeback"; it never left. It can't return with a "vengeance" and it can't be "evil" because we're talking about a chemical compound here. It has no personality, no feelings, no intentions.

Thus it does a disservice to science and to medicine, as well as to the people who use these drugs responsibly, to treat a molecule with dualistic properties purely as a poison. And as recent research has shown, we're still uncovering some of the potential therapeutic benefits of methamphetamine. Confronting the stigma associated with meth and highlighting its benefits can better inform drug policy and addiction treatment.

(Photo: HO/Royal Thai Navy/AFP/Getty Images)

'IT'S JUST A STIMULANT, LIKE ANY OTHER STIMULANT'

For Jordan*, the meth he's prescribed works better against his ADHD with fewer side effects than the Adderall he'd been on for 20 years. About five years ago, Jordan asked his doctor if he could try methamphetamine. The doc said sure.

"The first time I brought it to the pharmacy, the pharmacist actually said to me, 'Oh, your doctor wrote this prescription wrong, this is the stuff that they make in meth labs,'" Jordan tells me by phone. "I told him to type 'Desoxyn' into the computer, and he did. He kind of backtracked, [but] he obviously had no idea."

Jordan, a middle-aged man from North Carolina who works in clinical research, now switches every three months between Adderall and Desoxyn to prevent building a tolerance to either stimulant.

Methamphetamine and amphetamine (one of the active ingredients in Adderall) are almost identical chemicals. The main difference between the two is the addition of a second methyl group to methamphetamine's chemical structure. This addition makes meth more lipid-soluble, allowing for easier access across the blood-brain barrier. Meth is therefore not only more potent, but also longer-lasting.

"The medications have definitely been important for me, to be productive, to be successful, not just at work but also in my personal life," Jordan says. "I've been on the medications for years, but I can take Adderall or methamphetamine and take a nap afterwards. I don't have any noticeable side effects."

Jordan also doesn't feel "high" from the doses he takes—approximately 10 to 15 milligrams of meth per day. Doses at this level are well tolerated by most people. It's very difficult to estimate the typical dosages of illicit meth taken on the street, but they are generally many times higher and taken every couple of hours. Further, the route of administration—typically, users smoke or inject illicit meth—allows for more of the drug to enter the bloodstream than taking a prescription pill.

At high doses, meth gives a rush of euphoria, boosting attention span, zapping fatigue, and decreasing appetite. Intense sexual arousal, talkativeness, and rapid thought patterns are also common. Body temperature and heart rate shoot up, which can cause irregular heartbeat, increasing the risk of seizures. If taken repeatedly over long periods, street meth can be highly neurotoxic, inducing paranoia and psychosis.

But illicit meth is also often used to self-medicate, according to Mark Willenbring, an addiction psychiatrist from St. Paul, Minnesota, with over 30 years of practice treating substance-use disorders. In Willenbring's experience, most of his patients who use illegal meth are treating undiagnosed ADHD.

"There's a high degree of comorbidity between substance-use disorders and ADD," Willenbring says. "They used meth for years in a controlled way, they never over-used it, they just used enough to get an effect, and then they stopped. One misconception is that it's always very addictive."

With most people who are addicted to meth, Willenbring says, you can't tell it just by looking at them. Carl Hart, a neuroscientist in Columbia University's Department of Psychology, agrees that the image of a snarling meth addict with bad teeth is a false stereotype. The dental damage so prevalent in anti-drug propaganda, he says, is more likely due to poor nutrition and lack of sleep—not to the drug. "There is no empirical evidence to support the claim that methamphetamine causes physical deformities," Hart wrote in a 2014 co-authored report.

"It's just a stimulant, like any other stimulant," Willenbring says. "It's a marketing issue."

Part of the reason Jordan asked to try Desoxyn in the first place was to see if he'd develop any of the "stereotypical meth addict problems," as he puts it. He hasn't.

"Those of us that know the reality have a responsibility to say, 'Hey, not that shooting up meth isn't bad, but the chemical itself isn't bad,'" Jordan says. "It's just misuse of the chemical that's bad."

For Joan*, a 66-year-old grandmother living off the grid in northern Georgia, Desoxyn makes her feel normal. "Not high, not hyped up, just normal," she tells me. She's been taking prescription meth since 2006, but first tried many other ADHD meds, such as Ritalin and Concerta, with poor results. But Desoxyn has not only helped her socialize, manage bills, and finish her master's degree in social work; it's also helped with Joan's depression and self-esteem.

"The only downside is the cost," she says. "It's one of the oldest drugs on the market, but even generic, it is outrageously expensive."

Still, meth isn't for everyone, of course. Kevin*, a 31-year-old artist from the Midwest, was first prescribed Desoxyn at age 15 to treat extreme fatigue and trouble focusing. But misdiagnosed mental-health issues—his doctors thought he had bipolar disorder, when in fact he had post-traumatic stress from childhood abuse—led to worsening symptoms.

"Being able to just take a bunch of pills that made the exhaustion go away for a while felt like a blessing, but it was just a Band-Aid on the problem," Kevin says. "I became completely dependent upon Desoxyn to function, and any lapse in taking my dose would result in a terrible energy crash."

"In retrospect, my neurologist at the time would have done well to consider the effects of intense stimulants on someone already prone to mania, insomnia, and hallucinations," he says. "I think Desoxyn has its merits as part of a treatment plan for attentive disorders, but that's the thing—it needs to be part of a larger understanding of how and why it might have a negative impact upon the patient's overall health, and should remain closely monitored throughout."

"Stigma is the lens [through] which we see all drug issues. It keeps us from making the best decisions. It is fear-based, not rational, not creative. Because of stigma, we have not fully addressed the opioid crisis."

(Photo: Guillermo Arias/AFP/Getty Images)

HOW METH CAN TREAT BRAIN INJURY—AND MUCH MORE

Street doses of meth can be extremely damaging to your health. The purity of such drugs is often unknown, and repeated, high doses of meth have been proven to be neurotoxic. But in low, pharmaceutical-grade doses, meth may actually repair and protect the brain in certain circumstances.

This was first discovered in 2008, when researchers at Queen's Medical Center Neuroscience Institute in Honolulu, Hawaii, analyzed five years of data on traumatic head injuries. They unexpectedly found that patients who tested positive for methamphetamine were significantly less likely to die from the injuries. The authors suggested that meth could have neuroprotective benefits.

To learn more, in 2011, a different team from the University of Montana applied meth to slices of rat brain that had been damaged to resemble the brains of stroke victims. Then they induced strokes in living rats, using a method called embolic MCAO, and injected them with methamphetamine. At low doses, the meth gave better behavioral outcomes and even reduced brain-cell death. At high doses, the meth made outcomes worse.

Because meth stimulates the flow of important neurotransmitters—dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine—the Montana researchers theorized that methamphetamine may provide neuroprotection through multiple pathways. David Poulsen, one of the researchers involved, says this was a "serendipitous discovery."

"So we decided, well, if it worked in stroke, it's probably going to work really well in traumatic brain injury," says Poulsen, now a neurosurgeon at the University of Buffalo who specializes in treatments for protecting the brain after severe damage.

Traumatic brain injury, or TBI, occurs after a violent smash to the skull. Its consequences include concussions on the mild end and coma or death on the severe end. TBI kills around 50,000 Americans annually, according to the CDC, while about 2.8 million of us visit the emergency room for TBI-related injuries every year. There is currently no Food and Drug Administration-approved treatment for TBI.

So, Paulson and his team reasoned, if meth can already be prescribed for children, why not to adults with TBI?

To test the proposition, Poulsen and colleagues gave TBI to rats. Giving an animal brain trauma isn't easy, but for more than two decades, there's been a trick called the rat lateral fluid percussion injury model: Simply cut a hole in the skull of a rat and apply water pressure to the brain.

About half the rodents—19 male Wistar rats—were given this treatment, and eight of these were then given meth. The rats given meth performed better at a task called the Morris water maze, a widely used experiment that involves plopping a rat into a pool of water with a hidden platform. By tracking how long it takes the rodent to find the platform, scientists can measure many different aspects of cognitive function.

"By the third day of training, there were no statistically significant differences between the uninjured control rats and the injured rats that had been treated with methamphetamine," Poulsen and his colleagues wrote.

But the team also found that low doses of meth were protecting immature neurons, while also promoting the birth of new brain cells that are important for learning and memory. The same was also true for rats that were given meth, but not injured.

"We see not just little, but very significant improvements in cognition and behavior," Poulsen says. "Their memories improved, functional behavior is improved.... It's not a trivial difference."

"In light of the fact that low-dose methamphetamine is FDA-approved for use in juveniles and adults, we see no valid reason why it cannot be utilized in human clinical trials for stroke and TBI," Poulsen and colleagues concluded in 2016.

But those clinical trials, considered the gold standard for testing medication, have yet to materialize, even while a 2018 retrospective study found similar results to the Hawaiian neuroscience report: Out of 304 patients with TBI, those who also tested positive for meth had better recovery results than those who did not. "The potential neuroprotective role of meth and other similar substances cannot be ignored," the authors wrote in Clinical Neurology and Neurosurgery last July.

There are limited conclusions that we can draw about these rodent and retrospective studies, and it's probably unlikely that nurses will soon start giving meth to people who have cracked their skulls. Still, a wide variety of stimulant therapies for TBI is being explored, with positive results. These include trials with modafinil, a narcolepsy drug; amantadine, a Parkinson's drug; and dextroamphetamine, one of the components of Adderall. But there's still no indication of a single clinical trial for methamphetamine for TBI registered with the National Institutes of Health.

Methylphenidate, also known as Ritalin, seems to be the stimulant most popular in these trials. For example, in 2004, researchers at Drucker Brain Injury Center at MossRehab Hospital in Pennsylvania gave methylphenidate, better known as Ritalin, to 34 patients with moderate to severe TBI. They reported significant improvements in information processing and attention.

Twelve years later, in Gothenburg, Sweden, another 30 patients suffering from prolonged fatigue following TBI were given methylphenidate and observed for six months. They also showed improved cognitive function and reduced fatigue. But a 2016 meta-analysis of 10 controlled trials found the main benefit of giving methylphenidate for TBI was increased attention, "whereas no notable benefit was observed in the facilitation of memory or processing speed," the authors wrote. They encouraged more research into appropriate dosages and length of prescription.

Birgitta Johansson, a neuroscientist at the University of Gothenburg and lead author of the Swedish study, suggests caution whenever treating someone with a brain injury. "With methylphenidate, it is important to be aware about possible side effects, [such] as increased blood pressure and heart rate and also risk of anxiety," she says. "It is always very important to prescribe medication with care and follow the patient carefully."

But the reason meth isn't studied more rigorously—for TBI, for Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, for stroke—could also come down to money. Methamphetamine is off-patent, meaning there may be less financial incentive for pharmaceutical companies to explore the drug's potential uses. Consider Vyvanse, a drug first marketed in 2007, with a new formulation introduced in 2017, that racked up $2.1 billion in sales in 2017. Desoxyn, which is sold by three companies, only earned about $9.3 million in 2009.

While Methamphetamine may not be widely recognized as medicine, it clearly has potential to heal as well as harm. Recognizing the duality of meth is arguably all the more essential in the face of a rising stimulant overdose crisis.

"Stigma regarding any substance use or substance use disorder is counterproductive," says Dan Ciccarone, professor of family medicine at the University of California–San Francisco. He says the overdose crisis is shifting from opioids to stimulants and that we are not prepared for the next wave. "Stigma is the lens [through] which we see all drug issues. It keeps us from making the best decisions. It is fear-based, not rational, not creative. Because of stigma, we have not fully addressed the opioid crisis."

That stigma remains a major hurdle, and until doctors and public-health officials counteract this kind of messaging, it seems unlikely that a multinational pharmaceutical company would risk marketing a substance only believed to be toxic and deadly.

"Everything will kill you, if you take enough of it," Poulsen says. "Some things don't require a lot to do that. Meth is one of those things. But just like any drug, the difference between a poison and a cure is the dose."

*These names have been changed.

TAGSALZHEIMER'SADDERALLTRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIESFEATURES & INVESTIGATIONSMETHAMPHETAMINEMETHTOPIC: HEALTH CARE

BY TROY FARAH

Troy Farah is an independent journalist and photographer in California. His reporting on science, health, and narcotics has appeared in Wired, Ars Technica, Smithsonian, Discover, Vice, and elsewhere. He co-hosts the drug policy podcast Narcotica.

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