#i wrote it from the back to the front

[lovesickeros]

now that natlan is out it's tsaritsa yearning hours again because i am one nation closer to either being horribly disappointed or foaming at the mouth!

creator!reader w a little side of conflicted tsaritsa is such good food I can't not yap about it. a woman who has dedicated so much of her life to severing herself from "love" of all kinds and succeeding and. just being so confident that when she meets you she's bitter and angry and mean. because she can't stand you. she isn't supposed to love yet you worm your way into her heart anyway and you don't even know it.

especially in smth like an imposter au. she tells herself your just a tool for her to use but your treated like the Divine you really are, pampered and spoiled every step. tells herself it means nothing when she indulges you – let's you hold her hand in private, eventually let's you move aside the veil, just a little.

and she hates it. hates how easy it is to let you break down the ice she's built up for years.

all you do is smile and she feels like she can't breathe. because despite how violently she rejects love in all aspects, it always bleeds through eventually. she despises it but the way you brush your thumbs over her cheeks makes her bitter and warm and it infuriates her to no end.

she hates you and she loves you and she can't stand you and if you were ever taken from her she'd destroy every inch of teyvat if she had to go get you back.

and ironically enough I think she'd also be the one to initiate any first kiss. maybe she's still trying to convince herself it's just a fluke and itll make her realize it meant nothing, it means nothing. desperate to fix whatever you've done to her and instead it just makes it worse.

a horrible mess of a woman who gave up on love just to be confronted with it when she finally accepted it's absence.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[oneluckydragon]

Started writing a fic back in early October and had to abandon it for a while due to IRL situations. But I've started working on it again little by little, and I am so excited to eventually share it with my mutuals and followers. I hope you guys enjoy it (I am trying my best to get it done)!

TBH my only motivation anymore is thinking about my friends having a good time reading it when it's finally posted (I love all of you very much). I cannot wait for all of these ideas to be fleshed-out on paper at last.

Over 16,000 words and I am nowhere near satisfied yet. I feel like I can write WAY more. Stay tuned!

[spywhitney]

This is going to be Sydney when trying Carmy's dish (if they show a flashback to her food tour in New York):

These three gifs are for gifs sake. Not mine obv.

[disasterpenguin]

Anyways Dean loved Cas too, the song Watchin' Over Me proves it 😤

[01tsubomi]

i made super delicious curry with pork, potatoes, carrots, eggplant, green pepper, mushrooms, and pumpkin and because of how big a pot i made it's only like $2 per portion. adult success

[pardonmydelays]

some lins to make you feel better

...and somehow it always works 😭

[panharmonium]

well, after a little break, we picked up our naruto rewatch again with the beginning of season 10 (it’s so good.  SO GOOD), and since all i want to do is sit here and talk about how good it is, i figured i’d try to do that while simultaneously catching up on some overdue fandom correspondence.

when i was watching last night, i kept thinking back to a conversation i'd been having with @professor-of-naruto after they sent me an ask about how naruto started off as an ensemble show and then became solely “the naruto show,” and i STILL owe them a full response about that, but i’m going to consider this post my attempt to talk a little about it, because season 10 is simultaneously one of the best examples of “ensemble show” that naruto ever pulls off AND the scene of one of the most frustrating crimes of “the naruto show” that it ever commits (in my opinion; your mileage may vary).  

but before it reaches that frustrating point - season 10 is unbelievably well-constructed!  EVERYBODY is doing something important and relevant to their character arcs, and the plot is moving fast, and the world is expanding in fascinating ways:

first of all, there’s the fact that the season starts off with young ninja from a totally different village, all of whom are deeply concerned about their missing teacher, and then shows us their confrontation with team 7 and later naruto himself - instantly expanding the world and humanizing the leaf’s [former] enemies and forcing the audience to widen their perspective and confront the idea that ‘hang on, people in other villages are just like people in the leaf; they care about their friends and families and comrades the same way; and HMM, what sasuke did to bee was really bad actually; is it fair to expect other nations to just sit around and accept it; would we expect one of our favorite characters from the leaf to do the same”

the political tension created in the first episode by tsunade’s absence and danzo being named hokage creates a compelling new dynamic where the leaf is being “led” (ruled) by someone who doesn’t have the confidence of the people or the support of the jonin assembly, which then forces kakashi to start making hokage-level decisions covertly (aka taking down the foundation agents sent to spy on naruto, openly instructing a subordinate to lie to the hokage, smuggling the nine-tails out of the village, engaging in diplomatic relations with a foreign kage), which dynamic continues to escalate when danzo loses the trust of the other kage and said other kage decide that kakashi should act as the leaf’s representative, which later, despite tsunade’s recovery, is a dynamic that continues to push and and foreshadow throughout the war to the eventual conclusion of kakashi actually becoming hokage at the end of the story.

SAI’S ARC.  how he witnesses naruto taking that beating from karui; how the editing later cuts from naruto crying at the raikage’s feet to sai sitting in the forest thinking about naruto telling him to “stay out of this,” and his decision of “no.  i can’t just sit still, either,” and how he then goes straight to sakura to tell her that he still doesn’t know team 7 all that well and he’s not very good with emotions, but he does know that that naruto’s been suffering, and that they’ve all been relying on naruto too much, and that he doesn’t know what promise naruto made to her, but “it’s really no different than what was done to me.  it’s like a curse mark.” how he tells her that he doesn’t think it’s right that sasuke has caused naruto and sakura so much suffering, and he’s not going to sit silently by and let it continue -

and how that then PERFECTLY intertwines with the konoha 12 discussing the situation, and shikamaru - newly matured shikamaru, shikamaru who took down an akatsuki member, shikamaru who lost asuma, shikamaru who used to be so lazy, shikamaru who used to be so allergic to responsibility - entering the tent and agreeing with sai and saying that they’re not kids anymore.  they have to act.  they can’t let sasuke start a war between nations...so many people will die...him asking for sakura’s consent - 

and how THAT perfectly dovetails into sakura’s arc - her ENORMOUS decision, which none of them are even aware of yet - when she says she wants to be the one to tell naruto that they’ve decided they can’t protect sasuke anymore, but what she’s really decided is that SHE IS GOING TO KILL SASUKE HERSELF, because she’s the one who put naruto in this position by asking him to promise to bring sasuke back, and she can’t stand to make him suffer anymore, so she’s going to take the burden off his shoulders and suffer herself instead -

and MEANWHILE

this is happening against the backdrop of naruto’s petition to the raikage, which is a) the set-up for the raikage’s eventually decision to let naruto join the war many seasons later, b) the set-up for the raikage voicing his support for kakashi as hokage after danzo flees the summit, and c) the visual parallel for us between sai and sakura discussing naruto’s suffering and us simultaneously seeing him down on his knees, crying in the snow

and THIS is all happening against the larger backdrop of the five kage summit, where we’re introduced to MORE characters from an even WIDER world, and each kage and their attendants have their own unique personalities and we’re once again thrust into this new perspective of being asked to humanize and care about previously unknown entities who have always been considered potential antagonists, if not outright enemies

and the five kage summit brings back gaara and our old friends from the sand, which is important not just for the way it highlights the difference between new and old ways of thinking/generational changes, but because whoops, suddenly sasuke is crashing the five kage summit, and as soon as gaara hears about this, he leaves the summit room and goes to confront sasuke and tries to HELP, in his own way, which is brilliant and so effective on a storytelling level because gaara fought sasuke during the chuunin exams, and back then gaara was the one who was out of his mind with rage and pain, and now their positions are reversed, and gaara wants to save sasuke from that same fate, not just because it’s what naruto would want, but because gaara himself was saved in much the same way

but unfortunately gaara is butting up against the lowest point of sasuke’s arc, as sasuke tips over into something truly disastrous, and his descent is (magnificently!  deftly!) illustrated NOT through his behavior towards danzo (which is never depicted as unjustified) but through his behavior towards TAKA, who notice that he’s not acting like himself (suigetsu: “gee, and this is the guy who kept telling ME not kill anybody?”) and whom he then systematically, one by one, abandons, betrays, or outright sacrifices in the service of his goal, when all they’ve ever done is aid and protect him. 

in other words: the worst thing sasuke does, in this story’s eyes, isn’t breaking the law; it’s abandoning his comrades.  his lowest point in the narrative isn’t communicated to us by his rebellion against authority, but by his betrayal of his friends.  SOMEHOW THIS SOUNDS THEMATICALLY FAMILIAR -

this betrayal then flows seamlessly into new character development for the taka crew - for suigetsu and juugo, whom sasuke abandons to die or rot in prison, and for karin, who finally sees firsthand that sasuke is using her and that he doesn’t care whether she lives or dies as long as he gets what he wants - which turn of events pushes karin into the arms of the leaf, where she’s technically a prisoner, but where she’s still healed by sakura and carried by kakashi, and where she comments internally on how everyone’s chakra, even that of her cell guards, is so warm and different from sasuke’s... (i’m frothing at the mouth here at how well all of this with taka was set up and how it just falls apart later aGUGHHHHHH)

and these are hardly the only things going on in this season - i didn’t even touch upon the way kakashi and yamato are told the truth about itachi (this was something!!!!!  it needed to be something!!!!!), or even the brief confrontation between “madara” and yamato, because when obito first pops up on naruto’s windowsill, it’s yamato who strikes first, and yamato who says “you’re in my territory now,” and obito just laughs at him, and i cannot handle how well this sets up him being captured, interrogated, and used by obito later (if the story CARED enough to CARE about it, i mean; i just - !!!)  

this is all i mean when i say that naruto is at its best when it’s an ensemble show.  all of this happens in just the first six episodes, but every single character who appears has something important going on in their own story.  everything that they do connects to something else, and every move they make affects the plot.  every time someone appears on screen, you care about what’s happening with them - because something IS happening with them!  everything is intertwined, and all of it matters.  this season is woven together so well - it’s hard to stop watching.  

that isn’t always the case later, though.  after naruto appears on the scene of the sasuke/team 7 confrontation (aka the point where the show attempts to make a “naruto is and has always been Everything” retcon that i will never forgive them for), the story starts leaning harder into the “naruto is the only one who can save sasuke and oh yeah do everything else too” message, which is eternally frustrating to me, because the original message of the story was always “teamwork is more important than anything.  all of us are necessary to succeed.”  itachi literally chides naruto, “you can’t do everything on your own.  never forget your friends,” but then the show keeps creating situations where only naruto can Do the Thing and the other characters’ sole purposes are to sit back and monologue about how amazing he is.  

i understand that this is a silly thing to complain about when the story is in fact titled “naruto,” but i do still feel frustrated about it sometimes, because i think an approach like this makes for a weaker story.  there ARE ways to tell a naruto-centric story and have it be incredible - eg, the pain arc is all-naruto, all the time, and i have zero complaints about it, because everything naruto is able to do in that arc makes sense and is completely appropriate for who he is and what his strengths are.  he should be able to use sage mode and toad summons - those are powerful inheritances from his own teaching lineage that he worked incredibly hard to master.  he should be able to resist the nine-tails transformation - he has help from his own father’s spirit, as well as a lifetime of experience living as a jinchuuriki.  and - crucially - he should be able to save the day in the end, not because he’s a super skilled ninja with godlike powers, but because he’s able to compassionately connect with nagato on a personal level and lead him back to the light.  

that is naruto’s true power.  it’s not about him being the strongest fighter, or the smartest strategist, or the most skilled shinobi in history.  his special ability is precisely what kakashi called a “remarkable gift” in season one: “[naruto] doesn’t need much time, or many words, to make friends with everyone he meets.”

that’s why i think the pain arc is an example of “naruto-centric” done right, and that’s why i love how war arc!naruto is able to befriend kurama/the other tailed beasts and use the nine-tails’ power.  those things are so, so appropriate for who he is and where his strengths lie.  but there are other points in the story where naruto is showcased for things that don’t make as much sense or haven’t been earned (as an isolated example, the six-paths magical powers stuff was too much for me) or where he’s highlighted at other characters’ expenses (what happens to all those amazing intertwining arcs of season 10 by the time we hit the end of the story?  why do so many of them falter or disappear?)

it’s not enough to make me dislike the back half of the show - i love it right up until the last episode, my frustration with the ending notwithstanding.  but i do think the shift in focus from “ensemble show” to “one-man band” becomes a bit more dramatic after S10, and the overall story after that point is much weaker than it could have been (even though i still think that a lot of what it achieves is amazing).

[catastrxblues]

—

[good--merits-accumulated]

I LOVE IT WHEN I HAVE WIP QUESTIONS AND THEY GET ANSWERED THROUGH RANDOM INSTAGRAM REELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[releaseholiday]

"#I have a lot of thoughts on how unhealthy their relationship with their job is" please share

[tracle0]

Hey actually Andy is fucking feral????

[ladylynse]

Hi again! I have a writing prompt, First ninja grieving

(If this is too dark to do then I completely understand if you wanna leave this in the inbox)

The ache in his chest was his only companion these days—or, more to the point, on these sleepless nights that only ever seemed to be staved off by sheer exhaustion, a point he had not quite hit however close he’d come.

Life had been full of faces and voices, with as much joy and laughter and teasing as focus and training and planning, but then the first thing had gone wrong, and then the second, and then things had spiralled and they’d gotten desperate, they’d gotten angry, they’d gotten sloppy, and even now that he was the last one standing, he couldn’t give up, because that would mean it had all been for nothing, so he had to do this, he had to, but—

But now he had to do it alone.

-|-

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[dazais-guardian-angel]

delighted that i'm so much more fond of chuuya at this point than i was just a couple years ago. it took the stormbringer play, the cannibalism play, and the fifteen manga (still haven't gotten to those two novels in their entirety, I Will Soon I Promise), it took 6ish+ years, but i can confidently say I Get It Now. Now i just need asagiri to break him (affectionate) in the manga and actually give him a character arc already <333

[shirogane-oushirou]

after a scary health day, i've decided -I- make the rules of my AUs and -I- decide the level of "plot" they have. no, brain, my silly little pkmn AU doesn't need some grand conflict for us to overcome. poke!ren can hit the same balance of "takes care of me in every way he can while also recognizing my autonomy" as the other rens. fuck you, brain. <3

[skyburger]

im probably never gonna watch the kenobi series but i did just find out there was a qui-gon scene so i went to find that. it was awesome btw i have a soft spot for qui-gon. but then in the recommended i saw it... vader vs. obi-wan in that series and i watched it and