#like leaving the vet er at midnight

[mer-se]

I loveeeee having pets but the trauma that comes with having them that is inevitable . fuckin blows

[nezoomi]

tw animal death

so we had to put pita down last night. i feel so empty and frustrated because a week ago we had managed to scrape up the money for the nearly $2k surgery that saved his life! it took literally everything we had but we did it! (and a lot of what I didnt have. I had to use like $750 in credit)

im pretty sure this weekend his inscision got infected but we had no choice but to wait until his monday appointment because our vet is closed Sundays. over the phone our vet seemed to think we could wait that long. but then it broke open around midnight and there was something big coming out and I havent never seen anything like that before and it might go down as one of the worst moments in my entire life. we took an hour drive to the closet 24h vet ER and they said it was just fat coming out but the procedure to fix everything (make sure his stomach is pumped of infection) would be way more than we could afford amd I had already used up all credit options

they offered to just staple everything back up (without anesthesia) and send him home so we could wait to see if our vet could do something cheaper when they opened but that would be 1)extreme risk of him getting sepsis or something while waiting 2)not even guaranteed our vet would have the equipment to deal with the procedure he needs. and the price would still be too much. so we just decided. it was better to let him go while he was still bright eyed ish. we couldn't force him to go thru all that and make him suffer in his final hours for the very small chance of a miracle.

im just so mad. and sad. it took literally everything we had and it wasnt enough! this same thing happened 2 years ago with kiki. taking everything to save her and she still leaves us. because of that I was anxious all week knowing something horrible was going to ruin all this. and it happened. i'm so tired.

even the cremation services were like $400 at the ER so we just took him home after the euthanasia. luckily our normal vet offers group cremation so they took him for a lot cheaper. I had to get my friend to pay for it though which I feel bad about

at least i got to take some last pictures at the ER i guess ;__;

[zenlesszonezero]

You feelin' fired up now? Make way for the undefeated Champion! Welcome to New Eridu!— PS5™/iOS/Android/PC | Version 1.3 "Virtual Revenge" of Zenless Zone Zero, HoYoverse's urban fantasy ARPG, is out now

[soc-characters-as-songs]

The OCs as your top 100 songs from the first year you had Spotify

boy this is,,,,,,2016

my top 3 are all from hamilton

help.

ivy: #36 - dancers by axel flóvent ("I'm still holding on/while you are letting go/it's keeping me frustrated/how everything goes on like this/but if we were dancers, if we were dancers/light would count our steps and nothing would stop us/the brighter it gets, there's no way to go around/and if we were fighters, if we were fighters/our hands would start itching if something falls down/the brighter it gets, there are no ways to go around")

meredith: #43 - blandt fjell by alexander rybak ("jeg ble redd, jeg ble gal/ville få, ville finne/og jeg glemte til sist/hva jeg var innerst inne/mitt hjerte har talt/mitt sinn har befalt/og jeg vet jeg er klar/for å leve igjen")

diana: #6 - in the morning by first aid kit ("you crossed the pasture land/and threw your wedding band/into the great deep/where you'd rest to sleep/my dear")

alassie: #22 - empty gold by halsey ("dark as midnight sun/smoke as black as charcoal/fills into our fragile lungs/'cause when our demons come/dancing in the shadows/to a game that can't be won/feel like we've been falling down/like these autumn leaves/but baby don't let winter come/don't let our hearts freeze/if the morning light don't steal our soul/we will walk away from empty gold")

ramona: #34 - playing with numbers by molly sterling and greg french ("and I made the mess in your vision/and I see a debt to be paid/to give a little love was all I wanted/give a little love was all my intent/and I was playing with numbers/and I didn't know what it meant/please don't remind me/I won't be your muse/fragile misguided minds like mine/only know how to use")

rhea: #26 - mine by phoebe ryan ("facing the change/but it's still tough to see/at first I fought it all/I was so mean/I'm still unsure/how it's supposed to be?/I'm taking everyday now by the skin of my teeth/until I learn")

cornelia: #11 - alone together by fall out boy ("my heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken/do you wanna feel beautiful, do you wanna, yeah/I'm outside the door, invite me in/so we can go back and play pretend/I'm on deck, yeah I'm up next/tonight I'm high as a private jet/'cause I don't know where you're going/but do you got room for one more troubled soul/I don't know where I'm going, but I don't think I'm coming home/and I said, I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead/this is the road to ruin and we're starting at the end")

kaden: #20 - mon bagage by boggie ("mon lourd bagage prend trop de place dans mon armoire alors venez m'aider/je mange dedans, je prends mon temps pour reflechir à la vie qu'j'ai choisie/j'entends ma voix, ma voix, ma voix, la voix et le son du silence/je suis absolument captivé par ce voyage et ça me balance/je porte toujours/mon bagage/il est avec moi/mon bagage/tout est écrit/sur mon petit visage/c'est mon passé, mon présent, mon futur/c'est mon passé, mon présent, mon futur/si ça c'est moi")

andreia: #12 - I'm yours by alessia cara ("some nerve you have/to break up my lonely/and tell me you want me/how dare you march into my heart/oh how rude of you/to ruin my miserable/and tell me I'm beautiful/'cause I wasn't looking for love no/nobody asked you to get me attached to you/in fact you tricked me/and I wasn't trying to fall in love/but boy you pushed me/so all that I'm asking/is that you handle me with caution/'cause I don't give myself often/but I guess I'll try today")

suzy: #45 - dark water by agent fresco ("we hold by skinny hands/trying to warm what age has chilled/weary wintry lands/where breaths collapse, arise and thrill/our sighs fly high above/the sea leaves salty licks and pale lips for the weak/we no longer let us love/be the end of heartache")

samuel: #41 - overjoyed by bastille ("oh I feel overjoyed/when you listen to my words/I see them sinking in/oh I see them crawling underneath your skin/words are all we have/we'll be talking/we'll be talking/these words are all we have/we'll be talking")

bianca: #19 - northern downpour by panic! at the disco ("the ink is running toward the page/it's chasin' off the days/look back at both feet/and that winding knee/I missed your skin when you were east/you clicked your heels and wished for me/through playful lips made of yarn/that fragile capricorn/unraveled words like moths upon old scarves/I know the world's a broken bone/but melt your headaches, call it home")

archibald: #9 - shirtsleeves by ed sheeran ("and I'll hold on to the words you spoke of/anchored down in the throat, love/and I'm captain of this sinking boat now/with just one armband to carry me home/when salted tears won't dry/I'll wipe my shirtsleeves/under your eyes/these hearts will be flooded tonight/I'll wipe my shirtsleeves/under your eyes")

raphael: #21 - klar ikke pust by sondre justad ("klar ikke pust men æ/veit det kan gå hvis æ/klar å stå i det/selv om æ får lite luft/æ veit æ òg kan vær/tung å forstå/veit æ har òg i mæ")

[absurdthirst]

Sorry about venting. I know its Christmas but its been terrible. Christmas eve I had to rush my dog to the er because he had a high feber and his hesrt rate was theough the roof. (Thank god I am pre vet!) i get him there and apparently this is normal for dogs going through chemo but they never warned us so he got an infection on top of it so his white blood cell count is wayyy too low so hes on a double dose of two antibiotics each. (I just received the news about his lymphoma in Nov. so that is great. I start to feel okay about it because he went into remission after the first treatment no less and the vets praised me because I am so in tune with my dog because of they didn’t know any better they would have said he was fine.) so I wake up Christmas morning and my whole county floods and is underwater. I can’t even leave my house because every road around my road is either seasonal or flooded. I finally braven up and go see and I see a house floating in the fields. 😞 The water has went down everywhere but the roads I need to get anywhere and my grandfather is 87 and is alone on Christmas left to sulk because even at midnight the road is still closed and now im so sick from the food I had from dinner which is also great. My family all agreed we were not doung Christmas this year after we found out about my dog but 2020 is so bad and its not gunna let up until the last second of the year I fear. Even though my family dod not celebrate Christmas there is nothing like saying merry Christmas like struggling to even be able to afford gifts thanks to layoffs and then having your house flood and ruin your house and the gifts. So many people I know are suffering from this. I am sorry to be such a downer. 🥺😞😞

I am so sorry that you had such a bad Christmas! It’s awful to being dealing with so many things at once and definitely not the ending you wanted for this year.

I hope that things look better for you soon. And don’t apologize for needing to vent. You are going through a lot and sometimes it just makes you feel a tiny bit better to get it out.

[yyxgin]

babe i have plenty of stories!! this is my fourth year as a waitress. this is my third waitressing gig.

the drink runner boy hasn’t needed to learn how to take food orders bc he’s on bar! a lot of the girls there now are going to uni in october and tbh three out of the six hired new starters are going to uni in october too. so basically the staff is gonna drop down sooner or later (some of them were actually leaving this week and last but the manager keeps putting them on thé rota? i think she’s pushing her luck tbh) so i guess he has a reason to learn so he’s ready when the staff drops down. ALSO. one of the ladies asked me where i was from and after i told her she goes ‘oh i thought i recognised you!’ and she told me the road she lived on and i told her i went to the highschool at the bottom of it and... god. she told me the drinks runner lives on the same road and i’m trying to figure out if i recognise him or not. bc i felt like i did right at the beginning and she set me off after telling me that but... man, idk.

my dog’s name is summer, she’s a labrador x springer spaniel. her mum was a fox lab (colour) so her springer spaniel freckles are this lovely goldeny brown colour. i say she’s ginger and my dad tells me off and pets her 😭 i took her off her lead today for the first time and she ate sumn 🤢 it’s too vulgar to tell you honestly.

i had a two hour break at work on monday so i went to the shops and bc where i work is kind of posh i felt like i had to buy something (also there’s two of the posh-er superstores so take that with a pinch of salt) so i bought a plant 🪴 lmao self control is out the window tbh.

and today i bought the dessert thingies the food runner lady let me try! they didn’t do a ‘selection’ multipack only multipacks of just one flavour (does that make sense?) so i got a pack of lychee, a pack of mango and a pack of strawberry (all the flavours they had) and am praying im on a lunch shift next week so i can give it to her when it’s not busy. or at least open them when it’s not busy and share (which is what i wanted to do today but i was planning to kill two birds with one stone and offer the drinks runner one too 😎 big brain. and the kitchen staff if they want some. i believe they’re thai dessert treats and it took me forever to find them (i ended up going to a warehouse for asian foods) but i’m happy i did).

we making moves out here! i’ve been added to the girls’ groupchat for work and i’m happy to be in 🥺 i feel like it would be weird to add all their snap’s straight away so i’m just kind of lingering... man i’m so nervous all the time 😭😭😭😭

anyway!! ask and you shall receive, my love. i’ll tell you any old story, there’s plenty stored away in my head.

im sure your boss is just waiting until you’re due in. in the nicest way possible, there’s not really a need to message you until your first day, i’d say. be sure to ask loads of questions when you’re there!! especially about your paycheck, how you receive it, how often you get paid, any detail you want to know, you must ask before it’s too late. i trust you do that anyway but still!! sorry if im droning, i just worry about people a lot.

it’s also midnight again, i’ve definitely forgotten some things to say but i shall sleep and get my beauty rest for tomorrow’s shift ❤️ ily2 bb

ooh i hope that boy learns how to do it quickly so he can stand in and do the things he has to :// also woRLD IS A SMALL PLACE OMG its so weird how close-by you all are😩 is your town small perhaps ??

omg summer is a legend😔✊ i was at the vet w my grandmas dog today and he was so scared i felt so bad for him🥺he almost jumped down from the table thank god my aunt was holding him. he is a village dog so everything abt the city scared him and getting him there by car was a very difficult journey sksksk

I SUPPORT YOUR NEWEST PLANT ADDITION❤ selfcare. my cactus bloomed flowers for the first time today and i got so excited omg

aah you sound so precious,,sharing food is the best way to get close to someone imo. also i appreciate the effort you put in to get those and i really want to try it now😭 AND DONT BE NERVOUS IM SURE THEY ALL LOVE U !!

i mean im sure she is just busy and will probably call me soon but,,i have never been relaxed in my life ever so i am just really anxious and nervous abt everything and its so new to me soo yeah💔 thanks for the advice !!! i know all abt the paychecks and stuff bc we talked abt it already in the job interview and i'll make sure to ask a lot of questions !! dont worry djsj everyone babies me bc i am pretty much a baby so i dont mind the advice and u looking after me lol <3

sleep well !! i hope u have an amazing day tomorrow 🤩🤍 ily

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Zookeeper’s Son

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: 

An iconic personality in the animal conservation scene has a popular zoo that people flock to from all over the world. But this isn't about him, it's about his son. And his son's massive crush. (Cheesy ShinDeku Crush) 

steve irwin inspired au, aka if you didnt know hamlet was australian, you do now

Ok but All Might is basically Steve Irwin in this au, Izuku is a huuuuuge animal fan

Allmight is Izuku’s dad and Inko is his wife and izu hung around animals loads when he was young, 1A are the zoo volunteers

is he like, steve irwin with crocodiles? or something like big cats or wolves. Honestly let's just stick with crocodiles

aizawa is the sleepy big cat handler

mic yells with the birds, mostly his job is actually the PA system but he teaches the birds to talk during his lunch hour, And he runs birds of prey shows

Shinsou comes to the zoo a lot cause he likes watching the tigers and their babies. shinsou giving a bottle of milk to a baby tiger because aizawa needed an extra pair of hands and our boy is crying actual tears because its So Cute

Todoroki was never allowed pets or to go outside much because he has to be a respectable rich boi tm, but he's always loved watching all mights ridiculous nature shows

w a  it

this means

,,,

allmight dies. Damn ok I guess this is getting sad now.

Todoroki goes to the zoo for the first time ever and sees a mural to Allmight and just starts crying

so aizawa has been working at the zoo since izuku was born and was honestly his babysitter a lot with mic and tensei because tensei, the onsite vet, had a little brother the same age. and when the news came in? aizawa's heart sank because this little 6-year-old ball of sunshine didn't have a dad anymore

inko is the badass but soft mum but shes not at home, shes actually on a shoot at the time

izuku is running around the zoo and aizawa just scoops him up and gets him icecream because the kid doesn't know yet and he wants izuku to have 5 more minutes before his world collapses. aizawa lets out a single sob because izuku picked the allmight themed icecream thanks

Aizawa helps Inko around the house as much as possible and drives Izu to school when Inko is having a rough day

All mights animals being depressed cause he's gone and blessed 6-year-old Izu sneaking into a fucking lion enclosure because 'dad would want to cheer them up'

there was a lion cub litter born really close to izuku and allmight dotted on these cubs because he was all soft because his wife was pregnant, there are photos of toddler izuku with these lions. izuku burying his face into one of their manes and crying while the lions lay around him

Aizawa has been interning at the zoo since he was 15 and is 22 when allmight dies. its his first year really "working" there because he just finished uni and hes on fulltime

aizawa thought allmight was going to be kinda snobby but allmight said hi to him every day, remembered his name and attended his uni graduation, told him he was proud and told him he'd never seen anyone as good with the cats as he was

aizawa babysat his kid, saw this man almost every day since he was 15

Ok but what if Inko wakes up in the middle of the night hearing All mights voice. She's freaking out, but then finds Izu rewatching old footage of his dad. Crying but also using them to learn how to be as good with the animals as him

animals a d o r e izuku, all of them

like, even the crows at the park will sit on his shoulders and give him little shiny things the wolves like to lick him and crowd him when he walks in, the crocodiles like head scratches

allmight was so proud of his son, because even he couldnt get animals to like him instinctually

1A are all the little highschool interns

Shinsou crushes on the cute zookeeper boy and Izu gets him an internship eventually, he just sees izuku hugging a lion and falls in love instantly

aizawa is his uncle and is complaining about this "kid that doesnt listen to safety protocol" and shinso is like ",, h im"

Aizawa thought that shinsou hated outdoors and animals, but is confused when suddenly Shinsou starts going to the zoo after school everyday

the way this family works

aizawa was a foster kid bc his family wasnt trusted with him but he still had contact, shinso's family was falling apart and aizawa didnt want his cousin to go through the same thing so he takes shinsou in age 10

they say uncle bc aizawa is so much older than shinsou

izuku like, doesn't tell shinso hes allmights kid and izuku wears a facemask and dyes his hair all the time so its fair that shinso doesnt guess

so izuku is on messenger and tells shinso to open his window izuku is sitting on his balcony. hes got a torch in his mouth and a swipecard in the other. he just kinda, grabs shinso and hauls him over the balcony. shinso is in pyjamas and all he has is a phone

izuku grabs his hand and they run down the street and shinso is just??? so lost. aizawa lives su p er close to the zoo and they get to the gate and shinso is like?? why are we here its midnight

and izuku o p e n s th e g a t e

shinso is crying bc he has every reason to think he'll go to jail

(izuku turned off the alarms and warned his mum he was doing this but didnt warn shinso because thats not fun)

so izuku takes shinso to the farmyard, wakes up the horse, which is his horse, a pulls shinso up on it too the horse has little lights on it

so its midnight and shinso is hugging izuku on this horse because its cold and hes in pyjama's and hes cold and its dark and he doesnt wanna fall off this massive horse

so izuku takes him around the zoo at night on this horse and its honestly great? bc loads of the animals are awake and the zoo is empty. izuku whispers that hes not really supposed to do this but hes going to do it anyway and shinso is like??? please dont im too young for jail

but izuku just giggles

izuku lets them into the back deer enclosure and its m a s s i v e

so its 2am by now, all the deer are awake so izuku ties up the horse and leads shinso over to his fave deer

"ok so, dad used to do this to me when i was litte, but i figure youre still light enough”

and izuku just hefts shinso onto this deer. shinso is laughing and clinging to this deer for his life and so izuku gets on another and they run around the paddock

shinso is yelling and cheering as izuku laughs, the other deer are running beside them because deer do that and its honestly the coolest thing that shinso has ever done

4am and the deer have all fallen back asleep and shinso and izuku are on the roof of the vet clinic because the vet-clinic is still heated at night so the roof is warm and they kinda,, fall asleep on the roof. izuku wakes up at 6, but doesnt wake shinso up for 20 minutes because hes smiling even in his sleep

they have to sprint back to shinso's house

izuku helps shinso climb back up his balcony and waves goodbye and shinso just watches him run back to the zoo and hes blushing and messy and cold but hes just so happy

aizawa walks into his room a minute later and asks shinso if he slept outside for some ungodly reason because his lips are blue and there are leaves in his hair

izuku doesnt like people knowing hes allmights kid when hes just out and about or working or honestly doing anything that isnt a show or interview so the only people that know are tenya, bakugo, tensei, mic and aizawa

Every year at the anniversary of all mights death they all bring Izu and Inko to his shrine and thousands of people come from all around to pay their respects and Shinsou finds a crying Izu after and takes him back to the zoo after hours so Izu can be with the animals

shinso still doesnt know izuku is allmights kid and izuku just sobbing and shinso doesnt know what happened

izuku just talks about his dad vaguely, shinso knows aizawa used to babysit izuku too

aizawa makes a tradition of getting icecream for izuku on the date every year, they both get the allmight themed one

bakugo isnt a massive dick in this au but hes still not a soft friend. he will roast you every 24 seconds but the 2 weeks around allmights death? he looks out for izuku, makes extra sure no one works out izuku from school is "allmights son" izuku, makes sure he eats lunch, helps inko make dinner

bakugo threatens to rip off shinso's dick and shove it down his throat and shinsou is like???? WHat dID i DO???

Izu is being bullied for crying in school around the date, Bakugo fIGHTS

bakugo gets suspended for a day and aizawa picks him up bc his parents are busy. bakugo looks angry but also kinda, embarrassed for being caught and for getting that mad. aizawa just parks on the side of the road just out of school and lets out a massive sigh

"you shouldn't have done that-"

"You dont think i fucking know that??"

"shut up and listen kid. you shouldn't have done that. and im not giving you a pat on the head for breaking the rules like that. but you did a good thing. hes got enough on his plate. youre a good friend"

aizawa lets bakugo stay at his place so mitsuki doesn't have to find out bakugo got suspended, izuku takes bakugo to pat the wolves as a "thank you for throwing down for me" present

[danaan13]

Today is my birthday. It's also been one week since a very hard decision had to be made, that changed my life very suddenly, and very painfully. The following is going under a cut. It’s also really long. My apologies to any mobile users that might get the full post anyway. Scroll really fast. I'm going to be talking about the loss of my dog. Some of it is traumatic. So warnings for injury, death, cars, insurance shit, and lots of feelings.

This post is 85% for me and 15% for anyone who's had questions since my vague posts a week ago. I have no blame or ill feelings for anyone that needs to keep scrolling. This post is going to be a lot. And I understand if one doesn't have the energy or the headspace for it. But a lot of of this is writing for my personal mourning.

One other thing: I go over events with the vet we saw. I'm not looking for different diagnoses, or different opinons, or debate, about what the vet said, or the decision we made. As I said, this post is for me to mourn. For me to record what happened. Maybe someone else would've done something differently. I don't know. We made the decision we thought was best.

And with that:

One week ago, my spouse took our dog for a walk in the evening. This was our normal routine. Newton, our dog, loved it. She was an australian shepherd mix, and naturally had all kinds of energy to work out. Even at eleven years old. It's 6 in the evening. It's pitch black out. My spouse has a bright orange, relfective rain jacket on. Newton is wearing a bright orange doggie vest, a collar that had a glowy blue led strip all the way around, and a leash with a reflective string. By our thoughts, safety was accounted for.

Their normal route took them past the shopping center that's a block and a half from our home. My spouse sees a truck sitting at a restaurant parking lot exit, as if waiting on traffic, before attempting to turn. Spouse believes they're going to continue to wait, and starts to cross the front of the exit, along the part marked as a sidewalk. Spouse is directly in front of truck, when it starts up and hits them. And pins Newton under the wheel.

The driver rolled down the passenger window to yell at my spouse. My spouse was yelling at him to move off our dog. A witness, who heard our dog screaming, from inside the restaurant, comes out and bangs on the man's driver window till he rolls it down. He finally backs off of Newton. They move her aside. My spouse was in that kind of shock where emotions shut off. They start giving orders. You call 911. You get that man's insurace. Someone get pictures. Etc.

And then the man suddenly drives away. Doesn't say a word. Doesn't leave insurance. Doesn't stay for the police. He ran.

By this point, one of the witnesses already has clear pictures of his vehicle and license plate. He's reported to the police, and they put out a call to find him.

Spouse calls me shortly after this. Call our vet. We got hit. We need to get Newton to a vet. So I call our vet. It's 6:30. They're closed for the night. But they were there for accounting stuff. They give me the number for the emergency vet. I call ahead. Tell them we'll be coming, but that I don't know what the injuries are. Just that a car was involved.

I go hop in our car. Drive a block and a half to the scene. There's two fire trucks. There's police cars. Traffic's doing that bottlenecking thing. I park and run over. Instantly get hugged by the witness who'd gotten involved. My spouse is sitting on the sidewalk. One piece. Looks okay. My dog's wrapped in sheets. She's awake. Looking around. What I could understand of her body language was a mixture of pain, but excitement because there's people paying attention to her. And oh how Newton adored every ounce of attention she could beg for.

The witness, we'll call her S now. S volunteers to come with my spouse and I to the emergency animal clinic. She sits in the back of my car while the firemen load poor newton in. Spouse comes with me, even though the firemen wanted them to go to the ER. We agree to go to the ER once we got Newton settled. S's family, two men who I presume to be husband and father, possibly, follow in their car behind us.

We get there. The vet techs wisk Newton off to the back. They need to do xrays. They need someone to stay and talk out costs. S volunteers to take Spouse to the ER. Spouse agrees to go. So I stay at the vet by myself. They settle me in a room, where I text friends updates about all this. I'm scared. And all I wanted was to hug my dog.

The vet shows up after a bit. She's very calm, very kind, and amazingly empathetic. She explains that Newton wasn't succumbing to the medicine as quickly as they'd like. She's too excited. Too many new people to meet. Gets excited every time someone comes into the room. Classic Newton. So, they only got the xrays from the one side at that time.

Her spine is fine. But a hip is shattered. There's shards. One hip is also dislocated. My heart's in my stomach. Vet explains that if it's just the one leg shattered, they can amputate. But if it's both, then it's not good. She explains that the dislocation would have to be fixed via surgery. It can't just be popped back in. She explains that our town doesn't have an orthopedic surgeon for dogs. We'd have to go to one of two major cities, two hours away. The vet then explains that she'll get better xrays, once the meds kick in and they can roll Newton over without causing her more pain. So, she draws up the treatment plan for the next twenty four hours. I leave the deposit for the cost of the care. She says she'll call me when she's got more data. And when she's talked to surgeons offices.

And then I go to the ER, trying to not cry because my dog will probably never run or jump, ever again. She's an aussie. They run. They jump. They're energetic. Newton would bounce all over the place in front of our patio door, to greet our neighbors as they walked past. She was constantly knocking down blinds from our hanging blinds there. She loved to play fetch. We've got a long hallway we'd throw tennis balls down, and she'd go chase them and run back. She'd never do any of that again.

I get to the ER. I tell my spouse. They're heartbroken. I call our auto insurance, at the nurse's request, to start that process, while we wait for the doctor to come back from the xrays. When the doctor comes, he says Spouse is fine. No breaks, fractures, or internal injuries. Might have bruising show up in a day or two. So, we're given pain medication to handle that. To note, no bruises have yet appeared, a week later. Spouse physically feels fine. Emotionally is another matter.

So, we go home. We cry. We try to settle down. It's been two and a half hours since my spouse left the house to go on that walk. I make my posts here. We make posts on Facebook. We get an outpouring of concern, love, and prayers, from friends and family alike.

By midnight, I get a call from the vet. They have the rest of the xrays. Both hips are injured. One shattered, one fractured. And then there's the dislocation. There does not appear to be any internal injury though. She'd gotten ahold of both surgical centers in the two nearby cities. Both hospitals can do surgery. But they both would require about ten thousand dollars to do it. And, they both note that Newton is eleven. She's classified as a senior dog, despite her energy and good health. She'd never be the same. Therapy after surgery might not be enough. The neat wheels some dogs get, might not be enough. There's no guarantee that her quality of life would be enough, that she wouldn't suffer.

So, I talk to my spouse. And we're breaking. She's been our family for eleven years. We call back. Make the decision, get ready, and go to the clinic. We get to hug her and pet her. We get to give her a few last good treats. We cry. And we get to hold her as she goes to sleep for the last time.

And then we go home again. We still don't know if they've arrested the driver. There isn't a report on the police website yet. We manage, somehow, to sleep. Not very well on my part. By the next morning, there's a police report. The man was arrested and charged with a hit and run.

I try to call our auto insurance back. The adjuster we were assigned to the nigh before, is out of the office for the weekend. So, I wait and then call back on Monday. We start that whole process. She starts contacting the driver's insurance. We talk to the police department and get told we can get ahold of the city prosecutor in a week. We start the process to get a lawyer.

We celebrate Christmas with our son. He doesn't live at home now. Got his own place. And a dog of his own there. He brings her over when he comes. And for a few hours, we're able to cuddle and play with a sweet dog again. It's not the same. It hurts a little. But it heals a little too.

Today is my birthday. And today I get to go pay the company that handled Newton's cremation. And pick up the clay pawprint that they made for me. Happy birthday to me. I know my Newton is no longer in pain. And that she was her beautiful smiley self, right to the last moment. I will miss her forever. But I know that we'll be okay. Eventually.

If you've read this far, and you feel the need to do something, or say something, then feel free to tag me in posts of cute dogs or cats, or other animals. Or, if you're wanting to do a more monetary action, maybe donate to organizations like the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary. That's what I'm doing for my Facebook Birthday Fundraiser. You don't have to give through mine specifically. You don't even have to give to them in particular. Heck, you don't even have to tell me about it. I just appreciate that there are groups like theirs, that can provide good quality of life, to senior dogs, who have that chance.

And for anyone wondering if we're going to get another dog, we are. We put in an application at our local humane society. It might feel fast. But it's so quiet in here now. We need someone to carry Newton's torch onwards. We've looked at a few dogs already. We've not found our one, yet. But we're looking.

Thank you for reading all this. I'm sorry if this post was difficult for you in anyway. I've got a lot of mourning left to do. So for now:

Goodbye my sweet, silly girl.

Newton 2008-2019

[mariahschoices]

Together Was Perfection

Here I present to you a slightly AU Perfect Match fanfic (no Eros plot line). This fic consists of some plot/background, a little fluff, and a lot of smut towards the end. PB couldn’t pump out chapters quickly enough for me to satiate my Damien fix, so I had to write a fic of my own. ;)

Characters and some dialogue have been borrowed from Pixelberry.

Rating: NC17 / NSFW

Word count: 10,999

Trigger warning: brief non-con scene / attempted rape

_______________________________________________________________________

"UGH! Just go without me!" Nadia mumbled with the last of her breath, before firmly stuffing her face down into the pillow.


Kai sat at the edge of the bed, peering at her cousin over her shoulder. 


“Are you sure? I mean, I can stay here with you again tonight. It's not really a big deal,” Kai protested. Rubbing Nadia's shoulder and eyeing her with concern, she continued, “It's not like movie night is any big thing. We can all just meet up next week."


Nadia lifted her face off the pillow just enough to enable one eye to peer above the cushion, the rest of her face thoroughly smooshed and removed from view.

"No! Go... really. I mean it,” she smiled softly, letting Kai know she really was doing okay enough to let her leave.


"Okay, if you insist. I'll text Damien."


Kai left the room as she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, quickly texting their mutual friend. "We're on for tonight if you still want to come over. Nadia won't be joining."


Moments later, Damien texted back, short and sweet as usual. "Sure. See you in 15."

Nadia and her boyfriend, Steve, had just broken up, and Nadia had become a complete train wreck. Her eyes were puffy and swollen from all of the tears she’d shed, and her bedroom floor was covered in used tissues. Not that Kai was monitoring her that closely, but she was also fairly certain Nadia hadn't even showered in at least three days.


Damien had seen Steve downtown with another woman - a woman who was most decidedly not Nadia. It turned out that Steve had been living a complete double life, and that he was secretly married with two kids during the entire duration of he and Nadia’s relationship. Steve had fooled them all, but Nadia truly felt as if her life had been brought to a grinding halt when things ended.


 After all, Nadia had bought an apartment in the city with this man. She had been convinced that he was going to be her future husband, but as it turned out, he hadn't proposed to her yet because that role had already been filled. Nadia had left their apartment with nothing but the clothes she had on, and she had moved back in with Kai and blocked Steve from all forms of contact. Whoever the next guy Nadia brought home would be, he would have to be fully vetted by Damien before things got serious.

Kai busied herself making a bowl of microwave popcorn in preparation for movie night. As she poured the popcorn into a bowl with m&ms, her favorite sweet and salty combo, the doorbell rang.

Kai walked to the door and opened it without looking through the peep hole. Damien walked in with a bottle of Bacardi in hand, smiling softly at Kai before sitting the bottle on the kitchen island.


"What's that for?" Kai questioned, motioning with one hand towards the bottle. "I didn't realize it was a special occasion."


"I thought you might need this, what with babysitting Nadia all week and all,” he chuckled lightheartedly before adding, "How is she doing, anyway?"


"About as good as to be expected for someone who found out the person they thought was their soulmate is actually a piece of shit dirtbag who has been living a double life."


Damien nodded in agreement, stepping towards the cabinet where the drink glasses were stored, pouring a double shot for each of them.

Kai joined him behind the counter, and they each threw back their shots. Kai made a face and Damien chuckled lightly at her, a sound barely audible to the untrained ear, but Kai knew him well enough to know what to look for.


Kai and Nadia had first met Damien over four years ago. As a popular gallery artist, Nadia had met and schmoozed with hundreds of fellow artists and fans, but a certain fan of hers had been a little too enthralled with Nadia, and he was obsessed with gaining her attention. He had found out her home address and began sending her explicit drawings of himself and Nadia, engaging in deranged sexual activities together. 


The drawings started showing up about once a month, gradually increasing to once a week, then finally multiple times a week, to the point where Nadia had finally contacted a private investigator to hunt down who this nutcase was that had been trying to get her attention. 


Damien had come highly recommended to her by a coworker, and he ultimately led a stakeout that discovered the creep’s identity within a weeks time after he was hired. After Damien had helped Nadia get her life back during that difficult time, Kai had suggested that they all go out to dinner together to show their appreciation for his efforts. He agreed, and they realized over dinner that they had a lot in common, quickly becoming close friends soon after. Now, they had weekly movie nights on Fridays to get together and catch up at the end of a busy week.

"I guess I'll be nice and let you pick the movie, even though it's my turn to pick,” Damien interrupted Kai’s trip down memory lane. “I figured you might need the mental escape, since you haven't had a moment to yourself all week."

Looking slightly apprehensive, Damien continued, "...even if it's one of the ones from that pile that I've been saying no to every Friday,” Damien pointed towards a bordering-on-impressive collection of predictable, yet endearing, romantic comedies.


"Seriously?!" Kai nearly yelped in disbelief.

"I mean, we can watch Blade Runner again if you'd prefer. I'm always cool with rewatching a class - "

"No! I mean... a rom com is good,” Kai stopped him before he could finish his statement or revoke his offer.

She selected The Notebook from the pile, and settled into a spot on the sofa across from Damien, grabbing the popcorn bowl and sitting it between them so they could share.


About halfway into the movie, characters Noah and Allie are reunited after years of being apart, resulting in a rather steamy sex scene. 


Hmmm... maybe I should have picked another movie. I mean, I don't want Damien to feel uncomfortable watching this with me, Kai thought, as she reached into the popcorn bowl to distract herself from what was happening on the screen.

Damien must have been on the same wavelength, because Kai's fingers slightly grazed against his as she reached for an m&m at the bottom of the bowl.


"Oh! Sorry. You have it,” Kai blushed, removing her hand from the bowl quickly as she felt her cheeks getting warmer. Thankfully, all of the lights in the living room had been turned off, so Kai was hopeful that he wouldn't notice the color in her cheeks and call her out.

Damien held out his hand, offering up a few pieces of popcorn along with the last m&m that Kai had just been reaching for. "What's mine is yours,” his eyes glistened, the reflection of the TV illuminating the smug grin that had revealed itself on his face.


"What a gentleman," Kai noted, rolling her eyes sarcastically. "Thank you," she mumbled, as she plucked the candy from his hand, wishing that he wasn’t always so observant.

They finished the rest of the movie in comfortable silence.

____________________________
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The next morning, Kai threw her head back against her pillows as Damien nipped her hip bone lightly. His hands glided up her body to steady her as he lifted up, slightly running his nose along her inner thigh, leaving kisses in his wake.


"Damien," she called out softly, ready and wanting.


"Kai," he said, as she felt a smile forming on his lips that were pressed against her skin, kissing her further and moving closer towards her center.


"Kai," he said again, a little louder this time. She smiled, knowing that he was getting closer to where she wanted him to be. She could almost feel his breath on her, softly teasing and tempting her body into submission.


"Kai!" she heard her name again, much louder this time, only it wasn’t Damien's voice.

"Huh?" Kai's body jolted upright like a dog at the sound of the treat jar being opened. She opened her eyes, met with the sight of Nadia standing in the doorframe of her bedroom, freshly showered and looking like a human again after her week long depression. Kai's dream of Damien was brought to a startling halt. Nadia might as well have poured a bucket of cold water on Kai’s head.


Damien? Oh shit.... Kai thought to herself. She had just been having a sex dream about Damien. It had to be that movie last night. After they watched the movie, she has shared a couple rounds of shots with Damien before he left around midnight, and she had quickly fallen asleep without any sort of… relief. Yea. It was just a dream. Not a big deal, she told herself.

"Sorry Kai, but I had to come and tell you the good news. We're going out tonight! I'm not going to let Ste - er, he who shall not be named, dictate my life anymore," she beamed, more confident and determined than Kai had seen her cousin look in a while.

"I want to get a head start on moving on, and I was hoping that you'd be my wing-woman tonight. Maybe you can ask Damien to come too, so that you have someone to talk to while I'm on the prowl?" Nadia smiled brightly, moving her hand like a jungle cat whose diet consisted solely on men.


"Sure,” Kai smiled, happy to see her cousin acting more like herself, and trying not to think too much about the dream she had just been having about the same man she would be seeing again later tonight.


"By the way, what was that dream about?” Nadia smirked, walking away before Kai could give a response. _______________________________________________________________________

"Are you ready yet? Damien will be here in 5,” Nadia urged, tapping her foot eagerly against the floor as Kai put on her last pass of lip gloss.

"Sure, sure. Do I look okay?" Kai asked. She had clothed herself in a short, sleeveless dress with a sweetheart neckline. The skirt was covered in sparkles that would add an eye-catching glisten whenever the lights in the club flashed her way.


"You look great. I'm sure Damien will approve," Nadia remarked with a saccharine smile. Before Kai could respond to her cousin’s remark, the doorbell rang.


"I'll get it!" Nadia chimed quickly, scurrying away in a hurried frenzy to let Damien into the apartment.


"You ladies ready? I have a car waiting for us downstairs,” Damien declared.

Damien focused his eyes on Kai, and she could swear that a flash of something had registered itself in his gaze as he took in the sight of her. He quickly broke eye contact, turning to head downstairs to the waiting car before Kai was able to decipher what that something was.
 _____________________________
__________________________________________

"What the hell is that?" Damien announced, as Nadia paused to sit down a pair of pink drinks at their booth, complete with paper umbrellas and sugared rims.

"I'll have you know that these came highly recommended from the bartender, Damien. I'm sure you two will love them."


Kai pulled the drink closer to herself, taking a shy sip whilst making eye contact with Damien to see if he would play along.

"Come on Damien, I know you're not going to waste the alcohol. There's rum in this."


"Whatever," Damien grumbled, before taking a drink. "It's not so bad, I guess."


Moments later, a tall, slender woman with light brown hair and perfect, plump lips paraded towards their booth near the back of the club.

"Hi there, I'm Alana,” she spoke in Damien's direction, not making eye contact with the other women. "Would you like to dance with me? Or, maybe I can buy you a drink?" she eyed the pink cocktail that Damien held in his hand with a look of barely disguised disdain. "I promise I'll make it something better than that."


The gears seemed to churn in Damien’s mind while he sized up this new person who had just entered their space. "Sure, why not?" Damien agreed with a cocky smile, before exiting their booth to follow her onto the dance floor.


"Who the hell is that, am I right?" Nadia remarked, asking the question aloud that Kai's eyes had been saying just moments before. "Damien doesn't dance," she finished.


"Apparently he dances with hot Indonesian women,” Kai stated, barely audible above the club's music and trying not to sound too bitter.


"Well, he doesn't get to have all the fun," Nadia stated with newfound vigor. "Let's go," she continued, grabbing Kai's arm and pulling her onto the dance floor as a new beat started to play.


Nadia and Kai threw their arms in the air, dancing to the beat without a care in the world. It was a welcome distraction from whatever was going on across the club with Damien and his new 'friend.'

Without intending to, Kai turned and managed to lock her eyes on the sight of Damien and his new dance partner. His moves were effortless and smooth. He clearly knew what he was doing, and he looked relaxed, but also like he was enjoying himself. A sideways grin made its way onto his face, which was directed at his new companion.


He really is quite handsome, Kai thought to herself as she studied his features. His bronze skin glowed with alternating flashes of red and gold under the club lights. His hair was slightly overgrown, a groomed sort of disheveled that made him look carefree, yet still put together. The two-day-old stubble along his jaw attributed to his rugged, macho man persona, which was fitting for his career as a PI. His lips... not too thick or thin, but perfectly kissable... she caught herself thinking, right before locking eyes with him as he turned to face her and Nadia.


 Shit, she thought, looking away quickly from his dark brown eyes, woven with threads of warm golden honey that made them seem endlessly deep. Damn, I guess that dream affected me more than I thought, she acknowledged to herself as she felt her cheeks growing warmer.


For some reason, Kai's path had never aligned with Damien's in any sort of capacity beyond friendship. During the times that she had had a boyfriend, he had been single, and whenever he had a girlfriend, she had always been free as a daisy. She had never put much thought into it before, but as she felt the pit of jealousy that was welling in her stomach, she started to wonder why they had never even tried to go on a date to see what would happen. He had always been such a good friend to her. Maybe he just didn't want to push things? Maybe he wasn't even attracted to her, she admitted to herself begrudgingly.

Kai bit her lip, mulling over these thoughts in her mind before looking back in Damien's direction. The woman was gone.

_______________________________________________________________________

A few weeks later, Kai, Nadia, and Damien were seated in their favorite booth at the local cafe.

"I can't do movie night this Friday, guys. I have a conference to go to in San Francisco that is 'absolutely mandatory,' per my grade-A douchebag boss,” Kai announced, before taking a bite out of her biscotti.


"San Francisco? You know my family is from there, right?" Damien responded, seemingly in another world the way his eyes drifted, focused on everything and nothing at all at the same time.


"Oh, I guess I had forgotten. When was the last time you went home for a visit?"


"Oh... uh..." Damien looked around, avoiding eye contact and sitting stoically still. The silence seemed to go on for minutes rather than seconds.


"Are you okay, Damien?" Nadia intervened. "You look like you've seen a ghost," she giggled halfheartedly, trying to lighten the mood.


"No, it's fine. It's just.. it's been a long time since I’ve been home to see them. Since before I met you guys. Maybe four and a half years? It was before I left the force."


"Well maybe you should come with me," Kai prodded gently. "It sounds like you're due for a visit, and I could use a companion at the charity banquet the company is sponsoring. It’s on the last day of my trip. My boss thinks I have no social life as it is, so maybe if I bring a date, he won't insist I continue living at the office like I have been."

"Alright, sure I guess,” Damien conceded, sounding more unsure than she’d ever heard him be. "If you don't mind that I tag along," he added. "I'll even put on my good suit,” he smiled, recovering almost flawlessly and moving quickly past his moment of weakness.


Kai studied him cautiously. Not wanting to pry, she finally announced, ”Great! It's a date,” she smiled at her two best friends.
 _____________________

Damien knocked on the door of Kai's hotel room, ready to escort her to the charity banquet that was being held in the ballroom of her hotel. Kai's footsteps could be heard through the thin walls of the hotel room as he waited patiently in the hall.


"Just a second," Kai called out.

Kai opened the door moments letter, and Damien couldn’t help but study her appearance, fully enraptured by the sight of her. She wore a long, emerald green gown with a deep V neckline, and a layered, silver chain necklace hung from around her neck. Her long locks were loosely curled, flowing like water over each shoulder.


"You look great. I mean - you look good," he muttered. "I mean, you clean up well, Kai."


Kai felt a blush growing in her cheeks under receiving such scrutiny from Damien. "You're not so bad yourself, Nazario."
 Noticing that Damien hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway, Kai smiled and lightly touched his arm, moving them further out into the hallway.

"Let's go. I have a boss to appease and some money to raise!" she walked towards the elevator, leaving Damien two steps behind. He quickly shook off his brain fog, reeling himself in to be able to keep up with his date for the evening.
 _______________________________________________________________________

"Kai, there you are! I wanted to introduce you to my nephew, Hayden," Kai's boss, Mr. Young, bellowed in her direction, ignoring Damien entirely.

"Hi, Hayden. It's lovely to meet you,” Kai responded, keeping it friendly but still professional. "Mr. Young, Hayden, this is Damien," she smiled, gently touching Damien's arm to bring him into the conversation.


"Oh, I didn't realize you were seeing someone, Kai," Mr. Young asserted.

"Oh, Damien? I mean, he's my date, but not my date date. We're just friends," she responded, glancing in Hayden’s direction with curiously.


Sure, Damien had given some indication that he might find her appealing as more than a friend, such as his reaction whenever he saw her in her gala dress, but Kai figured she may as well explore other options until one of them worked up the nerve to act of their feelings. Right now, Mr. Young's nephew looked like a pretty appealing option in his maroon suit jacket and bow tie.


"Well, that's a relief," Hayden responded. Mr. Young took the moment as an opportunity to escape to the buffet for another shrimp cocktail. 


Kai moved to turn towards Damien, not wanting to abandon him completely after he had graciously agreed to be her date for the evening, but he wasn’t there. He had already slipped away, escaping silently into the night. 
 _____________
__________________________________________________________

The next morning, Kai met Damien downstairs in the cafeteria for breakfast. Damien hadn’t spoken a word to her all morning, and she decided it was time to break the slightly uncomfortable silence. She busied herself by pouring maple syrup on her pancakes, avoiding eye contact with Damien.

"Where did you go last night? I turned around to ask you about staying for dessert, but you were already gone."


"I, uh, I had some business to attend to," he said, offering no further explanation.


Deciding it was probably best to move on, Kai inquired, “Are you finally going to visit your family today? We’ll need to be at the airport by 8, so you still have enough time to get a decent visit in. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost think you were avoiding your main reason for coming here.”


"No, no.. it's just, you know that I haven't seen them in a long time. Too long." he lamented, before taking a long swig of his black coffee. "Would you come with me?" he asked, holding his breath in anticipation as he waited for an answer. "I don't know if I can face them alone," he added finally, letting Kai see the true reason behind his hesitation.

"Absolutely,” she smiled softly at him, gently placing her hand over his on the table for reassurance. “It's the least I could do to return the favor for accompanying me last night.” Releasing him from her grip, she continued, "Not that I mind, but can you at least tell me what it is you're so worried about? They're your family, Damien. They love you."

"I know... I just haven't seen them since I was in the force,” he answered hesitantly, deciding on how much of the true story he really wanted to reveal to Kai. Acknowledging to himself that Kai was a true friend who would be there for him no matter what skeletons were in his closet, he continued, "We got a call to the station late one night - what seemed like your average domestic dispute..." he wrung his hands through his hair, his eyes cloudy and distant as he continued, reliving the memory of that night.

”We arrived on location to speak with the husband, but he was just a red herring. I didn't put the clues together quickly enough. A mother and child died because I was too stupid to see the signs," he continued, closing his eyes to avoid looking at what he assumed would be a mix of pity and disgust on Kai's face. It was a look he was used to receiving, at least in the past when he had told the few people in his life the story of why he had really left San Francisco.


"I had to get out of the city after that. I left my family and all of my friends behind. Everything about that place reminded of what happened, and I just couldn't cope with the guilt.” He risked a glance in her direction, met with an open, receptive and non-judgmental smile from Kai.

"Damien, I'm sorry," she squeezed his hand reassuringly, "but you can't blame yourself. Mistakes happen. You are a good man, and I know your family would love to see you again."


"I know you're right," he squeezed her hand back.


Thankful that Damien had finally shared the truth about his past, Kai moved the conversation forward, out of the darkness and into the light of day.

”Now, let's get out of here and go see your family! Your mom is going to be so surprised," Kai beamed at him.


"Let's go," Damien returned her warm, infectious smile with one of his own. __________________
_____________________________________________________

"¡Ay, por Dios! Mijo! Is that really you?" Damien's mother exclaimed, moments before wrapping her arms around him and squeezing, burying her head into his hair.


"Mama," Damien started, slightly embarrassed. "I missed you too. Kai, this is my mother. Mom, this is Kai."

"Oh," Damien's mother, suddenly noticing that he wasn't there alone, extended her hand in Kai's direction. "Kai, it's so nice to meet you. Damien has never brought a girlfriend home before. You must be very special to him!" she smiled excitedly.


Kai started to correct her, but Damien intercepted. "Yes, mama. She is very special to me. Are any of the girls here?" Damien asked, moving away from the topic at hand.


"Oh, you know your sisters, mijo. They're always running around. Hope moved out a couple years back after she got engaged to a lovely young man. You would like him!" she smiled, clasping both hands around one of Damien's. "Isabela is in class, and Carina took on an extra shift at the shop. Lucilla is at softball practice. She should be home soon."


"Of course, mama,” Damien looked around, soaking in the feeling of being home after so long.


Noticing her son’s expression, Damien's mother intercepted, "Damien, why don't you show Kai around the house? I kept everything in your room exactly the same. I had hoped you would come visit your poor mother one of these days," she prodded, a grain of seriousness behind her joke.


"Oh, I would love that!" Kai started down the hall like she already knew the way to her destination. Stopping in front of a small, simply decorated bedroom with a burgundy bedspread and an assortment of family photos covering the walls, Kai turned to Damien. "Is this yours?"


"How'd you know?" he responded as he stepped inside the room, the smell of home bringing him back to a simpler time before things in his life had gotten so complicated.

Kai looked around, waiting for Damien to say something. This was his home territory after all.


"You know, meeting you and gaining your friendship after what happened meant a lot to me," Damien started, seemingly out of nowhere. Unable to stop himself from sharing his feelings with Kai in his childhood bedroom, he continued, "You got me to laugh again. You kept me from drinking alone and you invited me to places," he admitted. Kai could swear she saw a slight blush show up on his tan skin.


"Damien! That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. You know I'll always be here for you," Kai stood up quickly, advancing towards a stunned Damien and wrapping her arms around him in a long, warm hug that seemed to go on forever.


"I know. You have been the one constant good in my life, because you've always been there for me when I needed you," he finished, finally locking eyes with Kai, whose lips were slightly parted with shock, eyes bright and shiny like a tear might spill out at any moment.


Kai's eyes darted back and forth between Damien's lips and eyes, finally settling on eye contact. Damien's eyes were already readied towards hers, studying her face curiously. His eyes reflected a depth of emotion she had never noticed before, or was it that she simply hadn’t taken the time to see it? A flash of light reflected on something gold beyond Damien's cracked closet door, distracting Kai from the moment just long enough to break the intensity of Damien’s gaze.

Realizing that the gold object in question was Damien’s badge, still pinned onto his deep navy police uniform, Kai exclaimed, "Oh, my god! Is that your old uniform?!"


Damien followed her light of sight. He couldn’t help but smile at Kai's excitement. "It is," he responded proudly.


"You know - women love a man in a uniform," Kai declared.


"That's been my experience," Damien responded confidently, directly a slightly cocky grin in Kai’s direction.


"Would you try it on for me?" Kai insisted, trying not to sound overly excited at the thought of Damien in uniform.


"If you insist," he chuckled slightly. Upon noticing Kai, unmoving and perched on the side of his old bed, he continued, "If you'd like to wait in the hall?"

"Oh! Right!" she blushed, slightly embarrassed at herself for the racy thoughts of Damien undressing that had suddenly intruded on her mind.

________________________________
_______________________________________

A few moments later, Damien spoke up. "Kai, you can come in now."


Damn, Kai thought as she entered the room. People weren't lying when they talked about a man in uniform, but Damien looked especially good. He smiled confidently in her direction as she soaked in the visual. His dark navy, long sleeved shirt was complimented with a pin on each lapel. His badge that had first caught her eye shined brilliantly on his chest, as if it had just been polished. Her eyes trailed down the long black tie that led its way down to his....

"Oh!" Kai prosed, hoping that her ogling hadn't been too obvious. If it had been, Damien made no indication.


"What? Are you an exception to the uniform rule? I can change back," he joked, moving towards the pile of clothes that he had arrived in.

"No!" she blushed, realizing what she had just said. "I mean.. What I meant to say was….” she fumbled over her words, taking note of a flash of skin, giving her an out from his interrogation. “You missed a button!"

She took a few steps in his direction to stand directly in front of him, running the back of her hand down the center of his chest. Her touch was feather light as her hand reached for the aforementioned button.


Not meeting his eyes, she moved her hand to push the button through the hole on the opposite side. Her shaky hand slipped nervously, causing her finger to slide under the gap in his shirt, grazing his firm, sculpted chest. Kai tried to ignore the warm, electrical buzz she felt from touching him in this way. A slight gasp escaped his lips before he could stop himself. He studied her actions with renewed interest.


Refocusing her attention on the task at hand, Kai successfully threaded the button before she could embarrass herself any further. She stepped back to admire her handiwork.

"You look great. Let's go show your mom. I'm sure she would love to see you in your uniform again,” Kai quickly darted out of the room before Damien could respond to what had just occurred between then.
 _____________________
__________________________________________________

Three months later, Kai, Nadia, and Damien were gathered around Kai's living room, chit-chatting before their weekly movie night. 
 "So, my boss' nephew, Hayden," Kai paused, backtracking, "You met him at the banquet, Damien, remember?" Continuing before Damien could respond, Kai added, "Anyway, I guess Mr. Young gave him my phone number. He -“

“Hold up, he gave him your phone number? That is highly inappropriate. Would you like me to say something? I can - “ Kai held up her hand, cutting Damien off.

“Seriously, you don’t even like your boss. Why would he think you’d like his nephew? Blegh!” Nadia argued exaggeratedly, in agreement with Damien.

“I get it guys, I really do, but he texted me after the gala. It turns out he actually lives here in the city. We've gone out on a few dates. He really has been a pleasant surprise in the midst of all my work drama."

Sure, Hayden was a little boring. Nice, but predictable. He hadn't done or said anything that was particularly off-putting, but at the same time he hadn't done or said anything that was truly intriguing enough to flip her switch, either.


"We're going out for lunch tomorrow. I think maybe he wants to make things official," Kai beamed, looking at both of her best friends for input. Damien had been eerily silent most of the night, which made Kai a bit uneasy. Did he know something that she didn't about Hayden? It wasn't like him to be silent. Usually he had to add in his endearingly sarcastic two cents at every turn.


"Sounds great, Kai. Whatever makes you happy," Damien responded without emotion, keeping his expression as unwavering as possible.


"Um, okay. I was hoping for a little more input, but you're right. I think maybe he does make me happy."

“Whatever happened with that girl from the bar, Damien? You two seemed to be hitting it off,” Nadia inquired, moving on from Kai’s love life for the moment.

“I want someone who is loyal. Someone who knows the real me and knows what they want. She wasn’t it,” he answered honestly, locking eyes with Kai.

Nadia took the silence that followed as the perfect opportunity to start the group's movie choice for the evening.


Left to mull over her thoughts in silence, Kai's mind moved to Hayden. She supposed he was a perfectly acceptable choice for her and her dating life. Admittedly, she had been hesitant to accept his advances at first, but she didn't want to piss off her boss by turning Hayden down, especially since he had been the one to introduce them.


Hayden had been very sweet and gentlemanly, opening doors, pulling out chairs, the whole nine, but their conversations had remained very topical. They had kissed, but it had yet to go further than that. Their schedules were both very busy, and their previous dates had to be arranged between meetings by secretaries or by Hayden's assistant, Sloane, which had left little time for intimacy. Hayden had scheduled the day off tomorrow, and Kai thought that maybe this would be her opportunity to finally test if they had any real chemistry.


Kai gave Damien one final glance out of the corner of her eye, who was seemingly engrossed in the film, before forcing herself to shut down the racing thoughts in her mind to focus and enjoy movie night.
 _______________________________________________________________________ 
 The next day, Hayden and Kai sat across from one another at a new farm-to-table restaurant in the city, adjacent from the cafe that Kai and her friends often frequented.

"So, have you decided what you want, yet?" Hayden asked, interrupting Kai from re-reading the same line on her menu for the third time.


"Oh, um... the chicken I think. With microgreens?" Kai was having trouble focusing, her mind on Damien and his reaction during their previous discussion about Hayden.


"I'm sorry. Is this restaurant not good enough for you?" he accused sourly.

He had been checking his phone every few minutes since they had arrived at the restaurant, responding periodically to emails or text messages from his coworkers. Kai had thought that sharing a more significant amount of time with Hayden would lead to developing more of a spark, when in reality it was allowing her to examine behaviors of his that she hadn't previously noticed. Behaviors that she didn't like.

"Let's just go. I can escort you to somewhere else that I think you may like better," Hayden continued, before Kai was able to respond to his previous accusation. Hayden smiled a thin, tight smile at Kai, and his eyes flashed with an unrecognizable look before calming himself. Hayden stood from their booth, throwing a few bills on the table to cover their drinks and a tip. He held out his hand toward Kai, "Shall we?"


Not wanting to ruin their entire day, Kai stood to join him. Maybe Hayden had reconsidered trying that burger joint down the street that she had heard good things about. She really wasn't a "microgreens" type of gal, and a beer and a burger sounded like exactly what she needed to lighten up her mood and save the evening.


Walking out into the crisp evening air, Hayden grabbed Kai's hand, leading her down the street with renewed purpose. He turned down an unfamiliar street, quickening his pace and tightening his grip on Kai's arm.


"Hayden? I thought maybe we were going to try DuMont Burger. Where are we going?"


Hayden responded by spinning Kai around, cornering her between the brick wall of the alleyway that they’d cut through, and a trash can that was spilling over with filth.

"Kai, I've been patient with you, but things haven't progressed as I'd expected. You know what a busy man I am..." his words spilled out like venom as his hand moved towards Kai's leg, exposing more of her thigh as he slid up the hem of her dress.


Kai was frozen in shock. Things had taken a turn from boring to downright dangerous, and she took in her surroundings with increasing fear. Hayden's hand continued to slide upwards as he pressed himself against her roughly. She finally found her voice as her fight or flight response began to kick in.


"Get the fuck off of me. I don't want this! I don't want you!" she yelled at him, getting progressively louder with each word. She pushed at his chest trying to get him off of her, but he was firmly cemented in his stance. It felt like she may as well have been trying to push over a 100 year old oak tree with her bare hands.


Kai saw a flash in the corner of her eye, and before her mind could recognize what was happening, an arm shot out and punched Hayden in the side of the face with such ferocity that he was knocked out cold.


Kai's eyes darted around in the darkness, zeroing in on a brown leather jacket that she knew all too well.


"Damien?!" she yelped, before attaching herself to him as if drawn by a magnetic pull. "What are you doing here? Oh my god!" she panted, trying to steady her breath that she didn’t realize she’d been holding.

"Really, that's the first question you ask?" he scolded Kai, before realizing maybe it wasn't the time to scold her, taking her face gingerly between his hands. "Are you okay?" he urged.

She nodded, allowing him to relinquish his hold on her.


"I was working a case up the street. I thought I recognized you right before you turned the corner into this alley. I knew there could be no good reason for him to take you here, and then I saw..." he stopped himself. He didn't need to explain anything to her. She had lived it after all.


He reached a hand into his pocket, retrieving his cell phone and entering a phone number from memory. Kai could hear a voice on the other end answer, “Walker.”


“Walker, it's Damien. I'm at Bedford and 2nd, in the alley behind Oslo Coffee. Are you in the area?"


"I'm two blocks down. What can I do for you Damien?" the voice responded.
 "I've got a live one," Damien paused, "- unfortunately. I will wait here for you to come pick him up."


Damien ended the call before the voice could follow up with a response, resuming eye contact with Kai.

"You shouldn't have to wait here with me. An old cop buddy of mine from the local division in coming to take care of this piece of shit. I'm going to wait here just in case he wakes up. You should wait for me at the cafe. I'll come pick you up and take you home when it's all over, okay?" he eyed Kai cautiously, like she was a porcelain doll that had teetered too close to the edge of the shelf.


"Okay," Kai answered, blinking away her tears and resolving that she would be okay. Damien had saved her.

_______________________________________________________________________ 
 A deceptively long twenty minutes later, the chime above the cafe door tinged, alerting Kai of Damien's arrival.

"You okay?" he asked again as he approached Kai, not sure if he was asking to reassure himself or her. Kai nodded in response, slinking out of her booth to follow Damien out of the cafe. They walked to the car and rode in silence the entire way back to Kai's apartment. Damien followed her inside, and once he was entirely certain that she was safe and sound, he made his way towards the door to leave. "I'm glad you're home safe. Let me know if you need anything at all, okay?" he finished, his hand posed on the door knob.


"Wait," Kai yelped abruptly, speaking for the first time since they'd left the cafe, her voice creaky from the tears that she’d shed while she waited for Damien.
 He stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face her. "What's wrong, Kai? Tell me. Whatever you need, I'll do it," he said sincerely, moving a few paces in her direction.

"Would you stay with me tonight? I really don't want to be alone,” she admitted quietly.


"Of course, Kai. I can sleep on the couch,” he reassured her. _______________________________________________________________________

Kai tried her best to fall asleep. Her body felt exhausted, but she couldn't shut off her mind. She had tossed and turned for over an hour before she decided to give up and forage for sustenance in the kitchen.


All the lights in the apartment were off, but she could see someone sitting at one of the barstools behind the kitchen island. Her breath hitched momentarily as her heart leapt into her throat, before regaining her sanity as she realized it was just Damien. He sat in the dark with a half empty bottle of rum, sipping slowly out of a glass he had pillaged from the cabinet.

She studied his face for a few moments, his features aglow from the city lights shining in through the window. "Couldn't sleep?" he interrupted her studying.

Damn. He caught onto everything eventually. Kai moved out of the hallway and into the dimly lit kitchen, joining Damien in the seat beside him.


"Would you like a drink?" Damien continued. Kai nodded, spawning Damien to retrieve another tumbler out of the cabinet before pouring her a drink. "Kai..." he started again, seemingly having an internal debate with himself about what he wanted to say.


"Damien..." Kai intercepted. He held up his hand to gently stop her.


"I need to say this, Kai, while I still have the nerve,” he asserted, as he took another gulp of liquid courage. “When you starting seeing Hayden and you two seemed to hit it off, I was so angry with myself. I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you how I felt," he paused, before continuing his speech in an effort to answer the question in Kai's eyes.


"After what happened today," he faltered, "what almost happened, I knew I couldn't live with myself if something had happened to you without telling you the truth," he paused, finishing his drink quickly. "I care about you, Kai. More than I've ever cared about anyone. No matter how dark my life gets, you're always there, lighting it up again. You're everything to me, Kai. I really lo- iiiike you very much," his eyes bulged, stopping himself to pour another drink, breaking eye contact with Kai. He didn’t know how he would face her if things got too awkward - if she didn't feel the same way or worse, if his admission ruined their friendship.


Kai reached her hand up to cradle Damien's cheek, forcing him to look at her. Studying his face, as open and honest and handsome as she had ever seen it, she bit her lip nervously. She leaned in to kiss him, pouring over four years of emotion and pent up frustration into the kiss. Damien faltered only a moment, In a state of utter shock, before returning the sentiment and kissing her with all of the passion that he could muster. A small, husky groan escaped from the depths of his throat.


"I really liiiiiike you too, Damien," she smiled, the first real smile she'd exhibited all day. She stood to leave the kitchen, feeling a little braver after Damien's confession, adding, "I can't sleep. Will you come to bed with me?"


Damien, a gentleman at the core, started to protest. He wanted Kai with his entire being, but he didn't want her to feel like he was taking advantage of her during a time of weakness. Knowing Damien all too well, she read his face and followed up with, "Not for that. Just... I don't want to be alone anymore, okay?"

Damien followed Kai into the bedroom. He had been there before, but he was seeing it all in a new light, as if for the first time. Perfectly girly, clean, organized, and just so Kai. She slipped under the covers, patting the spot beside of her gently.


Damien pulled his shirt over his head, causing Kai's eyes to bulge slightly and her cheeks to flush. Before she could ogle him too much, he slipped under the covers beside her. She curled into him, resting her head on his chest. She fell asleep before she could count to ten sheep, her tired body finally surrendering in the safety of his arms.

_______________________________________________________________________ 
 Kai yawned, stretching her arms out to the sides of her bed with a jerk. Remembering that she'd had a bed companion the night before, she quickly yanked her hands back. Upon opening her eyes, she realized that the bed was empty aside from herself.

The evidence was still there, Damien’s shirt on the floor, and the imprint of where his head had been remained distinctly pressed into the pillow. She knew she wasn’t imagining things. 


Mid-quandary, she heard sounds coming from the kitchen and smiled. Guess Damien is an early riser, she thought. Early bird gets the criminal or something like that. She curled out of bed, clothed in only a shirt and a pair of boyshorts. She covered herself in an oversize hoodie that would provide her a little more decency now that she would be facing Damien in the broad of daylight.

“Morning,” Damien greeted her as she entered the kitchen. The room already smelled like freshly brewed coffee, and a stack of pancakes was quickly piling up on a plate in the center of the kitchen island. Damien topped off the stack as Kai seated herself on one of the bar stools to admire his handiwork endearingly.

"Damien, I didn't know you cooked," Kai quipped.

Damien busied himself with pouring a cup of black coffee, two creams, one sugar, before sitting it in front of Kai.

I suppose after over four years of knowing each other, he must have picked up how I like my coffee, she entertained with amusement.


"I cook sometimes," he smiled in her direction, "for the people I care about."


Kai's thoughts returned to everything that had occurred the previous night. Hayden's sudden transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, Damien showing up out of nowhere, the way it felt to lay in his arms all night... If she was honest with herself, Damien had felt like more than just a friend for a while. He was her best friend, but he was also a good man, strong and handsome and stubborn. He was the type of man she could truly picture herself settling down with.

Damien and Kai ate their pancakes in a comfortable silence, while simultaneously deciding what their next moves should be. 


"I need to..." Damien started.


"I should tell you..." Kai interrupted, both incidentally attempting to speak at the same time.

"Go ahead," Kai smiled. She had resolved to tell him exactly how she felt, regardless of what he had to say. She had to at least give it a shot, after everything he had done for her throughout the years.


"Kai..." Damien started again, “being with you like this... it's the happiest I've been, in a long time. Holding you last night was..." he faltered, stumbling for words. "All I've been able to think about for a long time is how badly I wanted to feel you in my arms, and now I finally know," he admitted. "Just say the word and I'm yours, Kai,” he finished, finally looking up to make eye contact and gauge her reaction to his confession. 


Kai stood, meeting Damien on the other side of the counter, She looked him in the eyes, running her hand along the side of his scruff, pushing her back fingers further to run them through his shaggy hair. He closed his eyes, waiting for her to say something with trepidation.

She leaned in just enough for him to feel her breath on his lips, causing him to open his eyes quickly, parting his mouth to say something before her kiss swiftly quieted him. She kissed him, long and slow, returning all of his feelings with a gentle caress. She leaned back, smiling, waiting for him to say something. 


"Kai, if this is going to happen, I want to do it right. I've waited four years to be with you," he reached his hand up, stroking her cheek gently. 


"Damien, I've wanted you for a long time. I just wasn't sure if you felt the same," Kai responded in turn, leaning down to kiss him again, harder, letting him know how serious she was about her desires. "You've more than proven your patience over the years. I want you," she admitted, her eyes turning darker as her pupils enlarged with hunger. 


Damien responded by quickly wrapping his arms around her, picking her up and carrying her down the hall as she wrapped her legs around him for stability. He gently sat her down on the bed that they had shared mere hours ago. He slid his fingertips up the side of her body, gently pushing her sweatshirt up, inch by inch, revealing more of her skin to him.

He leaned over her, whispering in her ear with a deep and husky voice, "Kai, I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. I want to explore every part of your body, bringing you pleasures that you've never felt before...but I will stop now if you want me to. Just say the word," he finished, stilling himself against her as if frozen in time while he waited for her response.


Kai answered him by sliding her hand down the front of his body, gently brushing against his member that she could feel growing firmer by the moment. "I want you too, Damien. All of you."


Damien groaned in response, leaning up to peel Kai's hoodie over her head. The fabric clung to her shirt beneath, pulling them both off at the same time. He devoured her with his eyes, taking in the newly exposed skin. He kissed her lips once again, sucking her lower lip into his mouth, running his tongue along her flesh. His lips grazed across her jaw, leaving butterfly kisses in his wake. He moved to her neck, sucking her skin and then running his tongue over the same spot as if to seal everything in. He kissed along her collar bones, taking her bra strap in between his teeth and moving it out of place enough to begin sliding down her shoulder. He moved between her breasts, breathing her in and kissing along the soft skin of her stomach.

"Roll over," Damien instructed, pausing his onslaught to give Kai directions. Filled with lust, Kai studied him only for a moment before doing as she was told. Once in position, Damien continued his previous action with renewed momentum. He moved her hair to one side, kissing the smooth skin on her slender neck. He kissed down her back until he reached the clasp of her bra, making quick work of it and unfastening it with one hand. He couldn't resist slowly running his right hand up the back of her thigh, grabbing a handful of her cheek and kneading it slowly.


Damien's hand roamed to the front of Kai's body, pressing slightly to signal she turn back over onto her back. Damien's eyes scoured every inch of her, stilling his actions momentarily in awe.


"Fuck, Kai. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he divulged with the utmost sincerity. 


Damien moved down the bed, getting on his knees to move between Kai's legs. He kissed her center through the outside of her clothes, feeling the heat and desire emanating from her core. He continued his onslaught of gentle kisses, roaming from thigh to thigh and rubbing his finger just along the outer edge of her underwear. Kai began to whimper in frustration, longing to feel his touch in her most intimate area. 


He could feel her growing wetter, and he finally surrendered to his own desires as he grasped the last barrier between them in his teeth, peeling her underwear down her legs. 


The first touch of his tongue to her center caused Kai's legs to jerk together. She threw her head back, thoroughly squeezing Damien into place so that he couldn't go anywhere, even if he had wanted to. He chuckled slightly at her actions before continuing, running his tongue along her slit from bottom to top. He lavished her body in long, slow licks, sliding his tongue inside her and tasting her completely as her desire grew. He drank her in like he was dying of thirst before moving up to lay a kiss on her most sensitive spot. He licked her there, softly, before taking her into his mouth, suckling her clit and making her cry out with desire. Her body tightened up like a spring about to pop, and he stopped himself abruptly before it could burst. 


"What the fuck, Damien?" Kai groined, causing Damien to snigger, offering her a cocky smile. He stood up quickly, a man on a mission, making quick work of his clothes and stripping until nothing remained that could block his body from Kai's.

Kai openly admired his physique, perfectly toned, tan, and muscular. He was the perfect picture of a man, there was no doubt about that. He was thick, and longer than average, and her mouth salivated as her excitement grew over what was about to occur between herself and the appendage that hung between Damien's legs.


He laid himself on top of her, making eye contact and pausing one last moment to make 100% certain that this was what they both wanted, before lowering himself slowly to enter her. He paused while she adjusted to his size, before pressing himself up against her until he was fully inserted. Her eyes glazed over, roaming his features until she found his lips, kissing him greedily as she felt herself being filled up with Damien's manhood. 


He began pumping into her, long slow strokes that quickly brought her back towards the edge of desire. Kai wrapped her long legs around Damien's body once again, making as much body to body contact as she could possibly obtain. 


"Ohhhhhh, Damien," she moaned, causing him to grunt and press firmly into her, quickening his pace as he pumped faster into her. His member was fully gripped by her, and finally having her in this way was bringing him near the brink himself. He pumped in and out of her rhythmically, and he could feel her wetness growing around himself, dripping onto his thighs and the bed beneath them.


Damien reached his hand between their bodies, wetting his hand before finding Kai's spot and rubbing it in circular motions as he continued pumping in and out of her. He felt her body begin to squeeze down on him as she began to scream.

"Oh, my God.... oh God... fuck...Damien!" Kai cried, finding her release as he pleasured her body thoroughly. Damien made love to her as her orgasm ebbed and flowed, following her into climax only moments later before laying his body beside of hers, fully spent.
 _______________________________________________________________________

A few weeks later, Kai, Damien, and Nadia were seated in their favorite booth at the cafe. Nadia had been busy with her latest gallery showing, and it had been a while since they were able to catch up with each other outside of text messages.


Nadia beamed, smiling from ear to ear in Damien and Kai's direction, who were seated snugly beside of each other on the opposite side of the booth. "You know that I love you both, but I'm so glad you two finally stopped being idiots. It was obvious to anyone who saw you together that you were-" Nadia paused to make goo-goo eyes and exaggerated kissy faces at them like she was a cartoon character.


"Thanks, Nadia," Damien responded sarcastically, though he couldn't stop the smile that spread on his face as he turned to look eyes with Kai, whose own face was starting to break out into a soft blush.

Kai took a bite of her pancakes, and Damien whispered in a voice that was below Nadia's register, "Do you remember what happened the last time you and I shared a plate of pancakes together?"

Kai's blush darkened as Damien squeezed her thigh gently under the table. She couldn't wait to share more than pancakes with him later in the evening, after their date. 
 ________
_______________________________________________________________

Damien and Kai returned to Damien's apartment after their evening of fun. They knew each other so well that all of the awkwardness that usually inhabited the early stages of dating had been bypassed, allowing them to fully enjoy each other's company and be completely themselves. Damien's gentle caresses and looks had been winding Kai up all evening, and she had given as good as she got, leaning her backside into him while they played pool and licking her lips seductively after taking drinks of her cocktail. They were both ready to take things up a notch from sweet to sultry.

Kai sat on Damien's lap, who had seated himself down on the couch to take his shoes off. She wrapped a thigh around each side of his body, leaning in close to him to run her hand up the center of his chest.

“Should I wear your shirt to bed tonight, Damien, or would you prefer I sleep naked?" she teased.

"You know, you've been teasing me all night, Kai, but just say the word and I will fuck you until you're too tired to do any more teasing,” Damien retorted confidently, connecting his lips with Kai's as he gripped the nape of her hairline, pulling her closer into him.


Kai answered him by grinding herself into him, feeling him grow through his jeans in response to her body. Damien growled, quickly stripping off the articles of Kai's clothing that he could reach while they remained seated. Kai returned the favor, stripping off Damien's shirt and running her hands along his chest and biceps. 


"I don't think you're nearly naked enough, baby," Damien groaned, as they both stood to continue undressing each other. Once the last piece of clothing has been removed, Damien pressed Kai up against the wall, sucking on her neck and running his rough hands along her breasts, pressing against the side of her hip with his manhood.

Kai pressed her hands against Damien roughly, pushing him back and switching their positions against the wall, dropping to her knees in front of him.

"Kai..." Damien started, as she reached a hand up to stroke him.

"I really want to do this for you, sir" Kai whispered, causing Damien to visually shiver and throb in front of her. She didn't think his member could get any harder, standing firmly at attention for her. Kai glanced up at him, his eyes dark and ravenous with desire, before gently closing her eyes to move forward and take him into her mouth, causing a guttural groan to escape his lips.


She took him deeply into her throat, moving her hand up to stroke any areas that she couldn't reach. She tasted him, dragging her tongue down his length of him before licking around the end in circles. She opened her mouth to take him deeply again, nearly swallowing all of his length. She moaned around him, sending vibrations down his member. 


His hands found her hair, tugging it into two piles on either side of her head, gently holding on like a pair of handlebars and she bobbed up and down. Finally, she removed herself, more than ready and wanting to feel him inside of her. She turned to walk away, looking at him over her shoulder seductively as she made her way to the bedroom. He quickly followed behind her as they tumbled into bed together.


She fell on top of him, adjusting herself to sit atop his chest. She moved, intending to straddle his manhood, but he grabbed her ass with both hands and pushed her forward until her thighs straddled either side of his face.

He quickly went to work, darting his tongue inside of her and lavishing her body as she had just done to him. He wrapped his lips around her sensitive bundle of nerves, sucking on her and quickly bringing her to the brink of orgasm. She moaned for Damien and encouraged him in barely coherent bursts, moaning louder and louder as she drifted closer to the edge. She reached down to pull him into her by his hair, making him groan. He lavished her body hungrily, not stopping until the dam burst as his soft, warm tongue licked up everything she gave him.


Once Kai had had a moment to catch her breath, Damien's smooth voice commanded, "Get on your knees for me." Kai was more than ready to finally have him inside her, and she willingly moved her body into position.

Damien moved behind her, leaning over her body to barely touch her opening with his manhood. He slid himself up and down her opening, her wetness rubbing onto him, shining on his member. He leaned down further over her body, entering her slightly, grinding his hips back and forth to tease her with shallow thrusts. "Tell me what you want Kai," he whispered seductively. 


"I want you, Damien. Fuck me! Please fuck me.... I want to feel you inside me," she barely finished her sweet command as he slid himself completely inside of her with one long, hard thrust.

She gasped, filled up entirely with him, mentally teleporting her to a state of complete bliss. He moved one hand up her body, pulling her back into him as he massaged her breasts, teasing her nipples and rolling them between his fingers. His other hand moved down the front of her body, finding her clit and massaging it as he quickened his strokes, withdrawing completely out of her with each pump before slamming back into her, reaching the deepest depths of her core and stretching her body to fit around himself.

"Ooooohhh, Damien...." Kai moaned, completely under his spell, as he brought her closer and closer to complete nirvana.

"You like that, Kai?" he groaned animalistically.

"Oooohhhh, Damien.... Yes! Yes... fuck me!" Kai moaned, her commands coming out like a junkie who couldn't get enough. 


His hand that wasn't busily pleasuring her center moved up to her shoulder for more stability, pushing her down and angling her body so that her ass was in the air. He darted his hips to fuck her harder, groaning with each thrust as he watched himself plow into her body.

Finally, the combined sensations from Damien massaging her clit and completing owning her body brought her over the brink. He removed himself from her, laying beside her on the bed as she recovered. 


Kai's cheeks were beautifully flushed, her hair a mess of tendrils around her face. She scanned his body as he laid back on the bed watching her, noticing that he was still rock hard. Smiling devilishly, she set out to finish what she had started, leaning up to sit on his lap and slowly dropping down onto his member.


Her eyes closed blissfully, and she leaned her head back, her long hair dangling down her back, barely grazing the skin on his thighs. Together, with their bodies entwined as one, was perfection. She moved her hips forward and back, working in circles to buck on him like a rodeo bull. She fixed her eyes to look at him, and he stared back at her hungrily. She leaned down over his chest, placing her hands on either side of him as he reached around to grab her hips, lifting her up and thrusting his hips to pump into her warmth.

Kai grabbed his wrists, pinning them overhead to regain control. They both knew that he could regain dominance if he wanted to, but watching Kai take power over her pleasure - watching as she rode him, writhing in his lap - well it could all end right there and he would die a happy man.

She ground herself down on him, holding him in place as she slid up and down his pole. She moved her thighs to slam up and down on him, grinding in such a way that her bundle of nerves was also getting stimulated with each thrust.


 Kai could feel Damien throbbing inside of her, about to burst. She pressed herself firmly against him one last time, striking the match of her own orgasm as her muscles clenched, squeezing down on Damien's hard knob, bringing him over the edge right along with her. He pumped a few short final bursts into her before releasing inside of her, both finally satiated. _______________________________
________________________________________

After fully exhausting themselves, Damien and Kai curled up together in Damien's bed for a nightcap.

Thinking back over their night together, Damien admitted, "Kai, you make me want to give you the world. I'm so glad we found each other," he finished, sighing contentedly. 


"Me too," Kai agreed. "You are my world, Damien," she smiled shyly, peaking up at him underneath long eyelashes from her spot on his chest. 


Studying her face, he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"I love you, Kai," he stated calmly, not expecting a response, but just wanting to get it out after so many years of it going unsaid.

Kai leaned up to sweetly kiss Damien on the lips, smiling as her eyes met his.

"I love you too," she admitted, before curling back into her spot on his chest - a place she never wanted to leave again.

[bellabooks]

10 novels about fresh starts and new beginnings

With the new year upon us, it’s impossible not to think about clean slates and starting fresh. New year, new possibilities, amirite? These ten Bella novels feature stories just like that: new beginnings and taking chances. Right now, you can also get these ebooks at a reduced price!     Dingo’s Recovery by Genevieve Fortin Newly retired Joyce Allen is ready to push her limits and try some new things, and that includes adopting a dog she’s always wanted, Dingo. When Dingo is injured, Joyce takes him to Dr. Amanda Carter, the new vet in town who is many years Joyce’s junior. While Joyce is concerned about their age difference, Amanda doesn’t seem to see it the same way. Can Joyce get past her fears in order to embrace something real?     Mulligan by KG MacGregor Louise Stevens was dreaming of retirement when her longtime partner suddenly passes away, turning her world upside down. Golf-pro Marty Beck is intruiged by the reserved and hard-to-read Louise and does what she can to try to break down Louise’s walls and forge a friendship. When love comes along, will they both be ready?     No One But You by Catherine Maiorisi It’s hard to imagine the pain of being left at the alter, but that’s exactly what bestselling novelist Lily Alexander is dealing with. Naturally, she’s cautious about dating again. When wealthy tech playgirl Robin DiLuca comes into her life, their chemistry is hard to deny. The two make the ultimate commitment, but when Lily and Robin’s baby is born prematurely, it awakens terrible secrets from Robin’s past, causing her to leave her wife and child behind in order to protect them. Can these two find a way to heal?     Heartsick by Tracey Richardson ER physician Dr. Victoria Turner and paramedic (and former soldier), Angie Cullen find themselves on the receiving end of serious heartbreak when their respective partners have an affair with each other. Vic and Angie are left to pick up the pieces and become allies in their pain, and maybe the key to learning to love again.       Dreams Unspoken by RJ Layer Horse trainer Jo Marchal has returned to her Ohio hometown to try and reconnect with her family and do a little healing herself. While there, she meets Maria West, who dreams of love and family. Could these two women find what’s been missing in their lives, in each other?     Screen Kiss by Ann Roberts (This is a February release, so put it on your list!) Cinefile Addy Tornado longs to meet a woman like the heroines she sees in her favorite films. When musician Mazie Midnight moves to town and starts fresh with her eyes on a Masters in Music and a job at the Bijou Theater. Now, if she could only deal with the terrible stage fright that is keeping her from her dreams. When Addy and Mazie’s paths cross at the Bijou, they initially clash, but that all changes when Addy hears Mazie sing. Can Addy help Mazie find her voice and follow her dreams?       Desert Places by Erica Abbott Trying to escape a broken heart and a painful past, Jean McAllister moves to southern Colorado and takes the job of Deputy County Attorney, in hopes of moving on. When she meets the charming and dedicated Sheriff Lea Hawkins when the two team up on a case, Jean begins to wonder if there’s something between them. That connection is threatened when the murder of a colleague sends everything into upheavel and casts doubt on everyone, including Lea.       Unbroken Circle by Mary Griggs In the tiny town of Pennington, Alabama, Sallie Lee Hybart isn’t used to seeing strangers at her diner. However, when the down-on-her-luck Janet Bouton arrives at her establishment, Sallie Lee realizes there’s something familiar about the women. Janet isn’t a stranger to Pennington, and her past still haunts her and the other people of the town. Sallie is drawn to Janet, however. Can they push past bad memories and simmering resentments in the town to make something together?       Back To Blue by Dillon Watson A year-long coma has robbed artist Summer Rain Baxby of her own memory, and left her with haunting flashes of someone else’s memories. When she’s introduced to author Renny Jamison, Rain feels like she might have a chance to move on to a new life. Dreams and images continue to haunt her however, and the only person who believes in her story is Renny.       Making Up for Lost Time by Karin Kallmaker Chef Jamie Onassis’ dream restaurant is turning into a bit of nightmare with endless repairs and delays. Valkyrie Valentine is set to be the next Martha Stewart, but she has a big secret that could ruin things for her. Reporter Sheila Thintowski is determined to learn about more than Valkyrie’s DIY skills. These three women together promises some serious sparks. http://dlvr.it/Qvvy3r

[dogpalace]

M*A*S*H

Petsitting: it’s tiring! But so much fun. I am at Animal Farm right now, winding down a month-long stint. I’ve enjoyed getting up early when the light hits the apartment’s north-facing bedroom windows; doing the pleasant chores of feeding the pets, scooping the litter (yes, pleasant, truly), and walking the dog in the beautiful park across the street. However, last night something threw a spanner in the works. As I relaxed in my bathrobe watching a final DVR’d M*A*S*H episode before bed—more about that soon—Matt called to report that our cat, Williams, was sick again and he wanted me to come over to assess the situation. It sucks being confronted with our pets’ mortality, so much more than with our own, or so I usually believe.

Don’t think me some kind of monster. I have reckoned with human mortality a fair amount recently. Anyone would agree who saw my tweets about my father’s living through Hurricane Maria last fall, which were… lugubrious. In addition, my stepfather Thomas had massively invasive heart surgery at almost the exact same time, the year after having had two brain surgeries to correct a hematoma. (Lots of things happen which I don’t tweet about, guys.) It all was terrifying. But Williams is part of our nuclear family; she’s so close to us, every day, every hour. The threat to our happy routine which her illness poses, then, is not exactly scarier, but scarier in a different, more immediate way.

Of course, though it was midnight, I threw clothes on and took the subway into Brooklyn to tend to Williams. Of course this should happen as I was in the middle of the steamy episode of M*A*S*H where B.J. has an affair with one of the nurses. As I rode home, I thought about TV and all the joy it has brought me, and miraculously was able to put myself in a good mood as I traversed the magical passageway underneath 14th Street that connects the 1,2, and 3 to the L and F.

I can’t believe I’m sitting here about to tell you all that M*A*S*H is good, but I realize I have to. As with most of you, it was in the background of my entire childhood. My dad, who’s a cinematographer, once remarked that the image of the helicopters in the opening credits was a great shot; later that week I saw a helicopter at a cliff’s edge in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon and shouted, “Great shot!” to no one. As I grew I took pleasure in learning all the characters’ names, which was not super easy for a little kid considering they all dressed alike in fatigues, except for Klinger, who was my favorite at that time. At school I once said the words “horse puckey,” lifting the old-timey profanity from Colonel Potter, and was very gently chided.

Then when I was an adult, and more particularly during petsitting jobs like this one where I have access to classic sitcoms on cable, I learned to appreciate it on a different level. Treacle and rapid quips and slapstick and deep emotion, plus a giant helping of antiwar sentiment, packed into a dinky half-hour show with a laugh track. Really good acting: the young Alan Alda at the center with his hair already graying, spouting wisdom in a Groucho voice; but also the broader comedy provided by Jamie Farr in the frocks and Loretta Swit and Larry Linville screeching at each other. Sweet, beatific William Christopher as the holy man. All this and Gary Burghoff, who delivers my favorite performance—Radar O’Reilly is frightened, earnest, and pure of heart though clearly touched in the head. Try re-watching the scene where Radar approaches a bombardier with a Messiah complex and asks him to bless his teddy bear, truly believing the guy is Christ. It will get you, dammit.

I arrived home to find Matt lying on the couch and Williams pacing the floor. A victim of chronic urinary infections, our cat was having a bad flare-up, going in and out of the litter box while crying confusedly. Since it was so late, we decided to wait for the vet visit until the vet was open, rather than spend an extra five hundred bucks or so at the animal ER. There are pre-loaded syringes of cat painkiller at our house, because this happens to her so much, so Matt had dosed her and waited until the crying stopped.

“This is it,” I told Matt. “We aren’t feeding her any more dry food.” With the decisiveness of a military doctor I dumped the bowl’s contents out and replaced them with a fresh lump of wet. Up until then she’d gotten a mixture of the two.

“Wow, look, she’s eating up!” he said after a minute. Williams was standing at the bowl and chomping the wet food with gusto, and even in her doped-up state she ate until it was all gone. Undeniably an excellent sign. Matt then left to help close the bar around the corner from us, and I babysat our cat, though I didn’t do anything at all except sleep near her. A petsitting expert knows that, often, the most important thing is not to leave them alone.

Earlier in the day, I had received an email from one of my old friends, a dogwalking colleague here on the Upper West Side. She told me that another dog walker in the neighborhood, an older man, died last weekend while walking dogs in the park. I remember this man from the years when my route was up there: I didn’t know him well at all, but he was one of the nicest people to greet on the pavement, always wearing a smile, always eager to say hello to a dog or a person. My father is OK for now—he got a flight out of Puerto Rico and decided to stay in New York for the winter. My stepfather is OK for now—his zipper scar will always look gruesome, but it healed. This dog walker, who was a little younger than both of them, didn’t make it.

When Matt came home at 5:00 I woke up, kissed him goodbye and got back on the train. How is Williams now? I haven’t heard anything yet this morning, and I’m hoping no news is good news. I woke up at 7:30 to walk the dog, feed the Animal Farm cats and, cheerfully, scoop the litterbox. Then I wrote this thing you’re reading. Matt told me to say a prayer for her. I’m thinking of the prayer Father Mulcahy said once, that I laughed at as a child, one of the first memories I have of laughing at the TV.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

A bag of peanuts at my feet.

If I should die before I wake,

Give them to my brother Jake.

Now that I have written a shiny new blog post (yay! I thank you for reading it!), I’m going to call Matt for a kitty update, and reassure him that I’m coming home tomorrow to live at our house again. Right after the call I’m going to watch the rest of my M*A*S*H episode to see how it ends for B.J. after his extramarital transgression. I have decided, at least for the next half hour, to be extremely invested in that.

[darkaislinn]

Finally. A worthy update.

So I finally figured out what I was doing wrong with the mods for Dragon Age Inquisition. Apparently I was using the wrong “tool”. 

I want to vent about my day so please bear with me. 

I had a shitty day. I got written up because I refused to kiss a doctor’s ass when she flat out told me that she was sending an emergency over and I told her that the doctor who was there was already neck deep in emergencies. She also happens to be butt buddies with the practice manager. The best part? She said that I “wasn’t able to handle nights”. Which is bullshit and all the night doctors are absolutely furious about it because my replacement is someone who gets flustered at the smallest things. I’ll be back on nights soon enough when they realize their mistakes and this girl is staying until midnight because she can’t keep up with any of her work. 

Even better? She only sees 6 pets a day which is nothing compared to what we see at the ER. Oh and let’s not forget that the pet she was sending over was her FUCKING NEIGHBOR. She said it was a GDV (bloat) when she hadn’t even seen the animal. She literally couldn’t walk next door to check on the pet to see if it really was bloat. She’s that fucking lazy. 

So fuck her. 

I’m going to go back to days starting Monday and when Sara fucks up or can’t handle it, they’ll beg me to come back to nights. All of my critical care techs were so mad when they found out. Sara stayed for 2 extra hours for no reason one night because... I don’t even know why. I had it covered and Robin was there to have my back because we were swamped. She told Sara multiple times to leave because we had it, but Sara kept saying, “But Heather needs me. The phones won’t stop ringing, the doorbell keeps going off and she’s literally being pulled in 5 different directions.” Robin looked at her said, “Heather is perfectly capable of doing her job, better than an other receptionist, and I’m helping her. You need to go home.”  

The doctor tonight said, “I can’t believe they’re putting Sara on nights. She can’t even handle a mildly busy afternoon without panicking and freaking out. Management explicitly asked who we wanted for nights and we chose you because you’re strong and you get your shit done. I like working with you and I feel confident that even if we get busy or have emergencies out our ass that you’ll handle it. I’ll personally make a complaint because a doctor from a sister clinic should have ZERO say in our personnel, especially when she’s never worked with you before. You know what? I’m glad you didn’t kiss her ass, too many people around here do and I’m glad you told her what was going on. If it was my neighbor, I’d’ve taken the time to triage and assess the pet because that’s what good doctors do. You were justified in everything and they are throwing you under the bus because she’s friends with Kristen. I’ll get with Shine and Alex and we’ll get you back.”

That made me feel good. I was so mad about being written up and getting placed back on days that I wanted to cry. It’s the principal of the thing. Not only that they brought up another incident with another doctor from yet another sister clinic that happened MONTHS ago. 

Let me give you the low down on that: 

This doctor, who is also friends with the practice manager, had spoken with the doctor who was there. Not once did the information get passed on to me or the techs. This pet showed up, who was very sick, and I had no idea what they were there for. The owner got mad at me because I didn’t know the doctor (I had only been there for a few weeks by then) and that I didn’t know what was going on. The doctor who was there and had spoken with the other doctor was in surgery so he couldn’t see the pet at that moment. I had them drop off which pissed them off. Turned out that the pet needed to be hospitalized anyway and needed surgery. So Dr. Carney called and bitched at me because of “how the situation was handled”. I told her that I had no information about it, I had no client information, no records were faxed to me or emailed to us and that I was getting all the information from the owners. Dr. Carney said, “How about you actually check the fax machine?” I did and I told her, “I’m looking right at it and there is nothing here. No one has been up here recently except me and there are no faxes that have come through.” She huffed and said, “FINE. I’ll have them send it again.” She hung up on me. The next day she called her bestie, our “practice manager”, and complained that I was incompetent even though she expected me to be a mind reader and know everything when she couldn’t even be bothered to call the clinic and speak with the either me or a tech about what was happening. EXCUSE ME? I had only been with this ER for a few weeks, maybe a month.  

Long story short, Shannon (my supervisor) brought this up to justify why I was being written up. I literally stared at her and said, “You’re seriously writing me up because of Dr. Heather with the throw back to something that happened months ago? Which, might I remind you, you and Kristen found out that I was in the right the entire time after speaking with Dr. Mike?! Fine. If that’s how things are done here, I’ll sign it, but if this happens again I will fight it because this is incompetent work simply because Kristen is friends with Dr. Heather and Dr. Carney.” 

She looked really upset at the whole thing and told me that it was coming from Kristen. I was furious. She’s MY supervisor. Now I can’t even trust her to have my back and fight for me. 

God. I’m so mad that I could literally scream. 

I told Kay, my work wife, that this made me want to quit and she said, “Don’t do that because that’s what Dr. Heather wants. She loves making people leave. You’re a great receptionist and tech. You need to prove her spoiled ass wrong and show Kristen that you’re not intimidated by their bullshit. Fucking show them that they’re not going to rattle you. You know that I’m in school for becoming an LVT and I, including Amber, come to you for help.”

The doctor I worked with tonight said the same thing as well as the 3 other techs. When I told them what was happening, they immediately started complaining and said, “But you’re so good at nights! You’re amazing at triage, you know you shit and you’re not back here every 5 minutes asking stupid questions.” 

Despite all of this bullshit, it feels pretty amazing when I tell an owner what I think might be happening and the doctor comes to me and says, “You totally nailed it. Have you thought about going to vet school?” 

So I’m going to do it. I don’t care about the loans. 

That’s the only silver lining to all of this. 

[samtheflamingomain]

to care is human

Warning: gruesome descriptions of suicide methods.

So last night I tried to kill myself. Sometimes I wake up knowing it'll be that kind of day, sometimes it creeps up on me. This time was different.

I usually drink a shitload, eat a bunch of sleeping pills and then put a bag over my head and a belt around my neck. It's almost worked a few times, but I usually wake up with a hole in the bag and a terrible headache.

I can't really do that anymore; I can tell it's causing actual brain damage, and I also don't have more than a few sleeping pills at any given time because my psychiatrist instructed the pharmacy to give me my meds weekly.

I was alright until around 4 when I realized I'd be drinking and that it would make a solid week in a row of drinking. Add in the fact that I just put $1200 of cat surgery on my credit card, and by the time I was gulping down an entire bottle of wine in an hour, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that stress me out. I have no money. I hate working. I have no parents. I can’t stop drinking. I have to start working more hours.

I didn't wait long enough after the wine before going to the bar. It was another few beers before it hit me HARD. It takes A LOT for me to feel drunk; I've gotten used to drinking 10 beers to feel tipsy, so I was surprised to be genuinely drunk. Wanting that to continue, I kept at ‘er.

This is a pretty odd story, and I don't remember everything that happened but here's a self-indulgently-long description of it anyway:

I go to the bar after the wine and have about 8 beers (they have a non-standard "mini-pitcher" you can buy, maybe the equivalent of like 3.5 beers?) and I'm talking to another regular who's been trying to get rid of her last kitten for a while. I've always loved this kitten and have considered taking him in for a while now.

So Fran says, "Hey, wanna come over and see him?" and drunk me was like "Fuck yeah, kitties!"

We take a cab to her place, I ogle some felines, then had to walk home. I'm guessing I left her place at around midnight. Why am I guessing? Wellll...

My phone was dead, as I discovered trying to figure out how to get home from her place. I had no idea where I was.

I live at the edge of a very large neighbourhood with a lot of winding, twisting roads. I walked for hours in the freezing cold, crying, stumbling over drunk. I remember laying in grass at some point(s?) and also concrete.

And I remember far too vividly crawling from the sidewalk out to the road and laying down.

I laid there for what felt like hours, screaming at approaching vehicles, "FUCKING KILL ME!" as I bawled my eyes out. None did. Obviously.

I remember distinctly being stood up by a paramedic and escorted into an ambulance. The first thing I said was, "Great, another $40 I can't afford."

I was barely able to give the paramedics answers. I don't remember getting out or how I ended up sleeping on a hospital bed in the mental illness waiting area.

I was woken up at 4 in the morning by a crisis worker. She said "sounds like you had a bad night?" No fuckin shit.

Well, I'm not new to this rodeo. I don't remember much of what was said, but she discharged me as soon as we were done. I have a horrible, infected scrape on my hand that is putting me out of commission at work for at least a week. I can hardly move my hand or lift anything. They tell me to go to a walk-in-clinic.

Buses don't start till 7 on weekends, so I went for my phone to call an Uber. And that’s when I discovered a shitty Android-shaped hole in my pocket.

That's right, for those of you keeping score at home, that's two, count 'em, TWO phones I've lost in the last 4 months! How will he lose the next one??? Vote NOW!!

Anyway, I call a cab from the hospital, get home at around 5, message my coworkers that I can't come in to work, then pass out till 10, the exact time I was supposed to start work. I fire up the ole' Book of Faces and find that the shift has been covered.

I go buy a new phone and (attempt) to go to a clinic for my hand. Literally every clinic in this city is closed because of the stupid long weekend. I was exhausted so I didn't bother going back to the hospital for a scrape.

Then something weird happened. I realized that people actually care. Let me explain.

I fucked up the schedule at work this week by having to take my cat to the vet on Tuesday. I felt HORRIBLE about missing another shift, especially two in one week, and especially because this time it was my own damn fault.

It gets worse. When I was told that the shift had been covered, I wasn't told that it was being covered by Rob, who closed last night (a 4-12 shift). Running on 3 hours of sleep, he came in at 10 and is still there now. He'll be there till 12 again.

So now I feel even more horrible. Dude is working 22 hours in 2 days because of me*.

*Not quite - I'll get to that in a bit.

Without a phone to call my best friend, I felt very lonely when I got home from the hospital. I was still able to talk to my other friend from the States, though, and this is an important difference.

When I try to kill myself and tell Connor after the fact, he rarely reacts. (If I'm on the phone threatening to do it he's much more involved and often talks me down). But with Danny instead, who was extremely worried, I finally felt like someone actually cared after the fact. 

Everyone will care before because death is scary. Few people care after because living is boring.

Danny wasn't the only one. I didn't realize it at the time because I was still a little out of it but when I told my coworker I wouldn't be able to come in, I told her why. I didn't mean to.

She was so understanding about it, told me not to worry, that I could come in for free food if I wanted.

Then, as I began posting on Facebook about my lovely evening, another coworker messaged me - Rob, the one who is a working machine and could probably work 24/7 if necessary. He said he was on a break at Tim Horton's and I should join him.

Kind of worried at this point; I've bailed on 2 shifts in one week, he's got seniority and I singlehandedly* forced him to work a close-to-open-to-close. *Not really. Again, in a minute. Be patient.

To my surprise we just talked, about what happened, about work, about life. At the end of his break he says to come hang out at work.

The concept of "hanging out" coming together with the concept of "work" had never really made much sense to me because I hate working. But I realized that I hate working, not the work itself, not the place and not the people.

So I go to work and... hang out. I try helping when I can but quickly realize my hand is going to be a problem, probably for a very long time. I can't lift much with it and I have a very limited range of motion; it wasn't just due to the scrape, it was also because I'd used it to break a fall. It's not the worst thing, but it does affect nearly every aspect of making pizzas.

Anyway, I shoot the shit with Alycia and Rob and Lily and nobody's mad at me and the store's a mess but it doesn't matter. *And that's when I'm told that 4 people are out of town, and the other morning person wouldn't message back or pick up the phone all day.* It wasn't completely my fault, so I felt a little better.

Then a few things happened.

First, Anthony showed up for his shift at 4. I really like Anthony: he's a hard worker, nice, funny and a little awkward in the same way that I am. Unfortunately, he only works one night a week, and I've only worked with him twice. He talks with Rob as they count the till and I assume Rob's telling him the reason the dough still hasn't been finished at 4pm (me).

Well, he didn't. I take my glove and bandage off my hand to redo it and he goes "Damn, what happened?" I say, "From last night."

"What happened last night?" 

I kind of stare at him for a minute. "Didn't Rob tell you?"

"No, what?"

"I tried to kill myself."

His face falls. I can tell he's starting to wear his awkward face. Many people react differently to this news based on relationship level and experience. When I told Danny, one of my closest friends, he was worried and upset. When I told Anthony, a work acquaintance I barely knew, he had a few moments of awkward "No, hey, that's no good, don't do that" before he suddenly opened his arms for a hug.

I'm a bad hugger. I usually just stand there as the other person does all the hugging. This is because my parents would only ever hug me when they were done yelling at me and had forced me to apologize for something I hadn’t done wrong.

I hugged him back, and I almost started crying. It was the first real hug I'd gotten probably in my entire life. By 'real' I mean for the hugger. He did the socially obligatory thing of pretending suicide isn't as serious as it is before he couldn't keep the charade up. That part of the reaction wasn't real. The hug was real.

Anyway. As Anthony arrives, Alycia leaves. As she's waiting by the door for her ride, she says lots of stuff people say to the suicidal, and also indicates that her boyfriend and herself have had their share of mental illness.

Then she tells me that her second cousin commited suicide. She says he did it because he thought no one would care. "It was sixteen years ago and the family has never been the same. People care. We would all care."

I'd heard it a thousand times before but never really believed it, either because it was being said by someone who probably wouldn't care after a week, or because it's said by someone who is socially obliged to at least pretend to care, so I assume they are just pretending.

But between Danny, a close friend but whom I've never met in person, and my coworkers, who, until now, I wouldn't have called friends at all, I feel like I've "realized" that people really do care.

Something I've never really felt before. Thanks, parents.

Anyway, long story, I know, but a happy-ish ending? Who knows. Still pretty fucking depressed but not suicidal. I don’t know if this will prevent me from trying again, but it might, and that’s better than nothing.

Stay Greater.

[ink-splotch]

Okay, so, I'd love to read a little something by you set in a world where Lavender made it out of the Battle of Hogwarts. Maybe not okay, but alive?

Once upon a time, Lavender had wanted everyone to look at her. She had been the kind of kid who put on dramatic plays for her stuffed animals, for any visitors to the house, and for any neighbor or passersby she could snag from the front yard.

Dating Ron in sixth year had been fun, most of all because everyone had kept sneaking glances at her. She had heard her name in curious whispers and she had grinned and giggled into Parvati’s shoulder.

Everyone was looking now, or pretending not to. She heard the whispers– oh it’s that poor Brown girl. Can you imagine, if it was your daughter, if it was you? Oh and she was so pretty before, too–what a pity–almost makes it worse, doesn’t it?

–

“You know Professor Lupin was a werewolf?” Hermione said, ten minutes into a very awkward lunch she had asked for in an equally awkward letter.

Lavender pushed a sauteed carrot through a little puddle of pasta sauce. “I think everyone heard about that one. Someone told the papers, or something, right?”

“Er, yes,” said Hermione. “Snape did. Which is what I– I mean, it’s related. Oh, I wish you’d gotten to talk to Remus about this. He was a lovely man.”

“Not as lovely as Lockhart,” Lavender said and she and Hermione spent a moment in wistful remembrance. “God, I feel old,” Lavender said.

“Anyway, Snape,” said Hermione. “Snape and Lupin. When Lupin was at school, Snape would make him a potion that would… tame him, on full moons. He could just curl up in his office and sleep by the fire. If you’re interested, I’m trying to learn how to brew it myself.”

Lavender shook her head. “We’re not friends,” she said. “Never have been. So why are you doing all this?”

Hermione looked like she was trying to say “we’re friends,” but she couldn’t get it out. “I was there, once, when Lupin turned without the potion. I was so scared. I thought we were going to die.”

“Afraid I’ll sniff you out on a dark night?” Lavender said, face twisting as she sank back into her wicker chair.

“No, I–” Hermione squeezed her eyes shut, and all the hesitation was making Lavender more and more uncomfortable. Even at eleven, Hermione had bulldozed through things. She didn’t waver. “I was so scared, but I think it was even worse for him. It hurt, but he looked so scared, too, I–”

“I know how it feels,” said Lavender, very quietly, and Hermione snapped her mouth shut. Lavender took a big sip from her tea. It was still steaming– it had not taken long to exhaust small talk, between the two of them.

Hermione cleared her throat and tried again. “I’m trying to do the right thing. I’m trying to make amends. I’m trying to– make things better. Do you want this?”

Lavender put her mug back down, shaking out scalded fingers, and said, “Yes.” Then, because her mother had raised her right, she said, “Thank you.”

“That sounds like a weird conversation,” said Parvati, whose door Lavender went and knocked on after she and Hermione had split the bill with the precise-to-the-Knut math of the vaguely acquainted and recently employed.

Lavender kicked through the fall of autumn leaves that had collected in front of the porch swing. “She was trying to be nice, I think.”

“She’s not very good at it,” said Parvati.

-

Her father wept. He tried not to but he was a crier, always had been.

“You were so brave,” said Lavender’s mother, cupping her cheeks in her warm hands and not even flinching at the scar tissue under her palms. “We are so proud.”

Lavender’s mother was a Muggleborn, daughter of a math teacher and a door-to-door salesman (“now there is a profession that requires some magic,” her grandfather used to tell her).

Her father was a wizard and he was trying hard not to cry, bending down to pet the dogs weaving between all their ankles. Lavender bent down, too, scratching behind Fiddlestick’s floppy ears while Mopsy cleaned her cheek forcefully. “Hey,” she said, and her father looked up, trying to firm his wobbly chin.

“You know I’m proud of you, too,” he said, trying not to tremble on it. “I just…” He reached out to squeeze her knee gently. “You did everything right. You did everything good. I’m so proud of you, chickadee.”

“I know,” she said, and she did. He was a Gryffindor, too.

-

It took Hermione more than a month to figure out the potion sufficiently well enough that she’d let Lavender try it. She was founding a non-profit for nonhuman rights, too, after all, as well as doing a fair few local speaking gigs, petitioning the Wizenagamot on a half dozen issues, getting an advanced degree, and supposedly, at some point, sleeping.

It took more than a month, so Lavender spent another night locked in her parents’ newly fortified cellar. She didn’t remember much, but she woke up with her throat sore and her nails ragged. The door was gouged from the inside. She wondered if she had been screaming. She wondered if that’s what the howls were. She felt like screaming, maybe, a little.

The door cracked open the moment the moon had dropped down below the horizon, outside. Her mother came in with a tray of her favorite breakfast foods– danishes and boiled eggs, steaming hot cocoa with the barest splash of bitter coffee in it.

Parvati came stomping down the stairs after her. “Graceful,” said Lavender. She winced at the roughness of her voice.

“Look who’s talking,” said Parvati. “Up, c'mon, eat your breakfast. We’re doing midnight manicures. Your dad says he’ll let us doll up his nails, too.”

The next full moon night, Lavender locked herself in the cellar again. “It should be safe,” Hermione had said. “It should. I mean, I’ve done all the tests. I followed all the instructions. It should work.”

Lavender didn’t remember, because she never remembered– she didn’t recall the cellar door unlocking and opening after ten minutes of post-moonrise silence. She didn’t recall Parvati Wingardium Leviosa-ing a comfy chair down the stairs, or her sitting down and pulling out a stack of Witch Weeklys, nor did she remember curling up on Parvati’s fuzzy button slippers and going to sleep.

But she did remember waking up in the morning, her cheek pressed into a soft pillow. She was tattered under a thick blanket, but she was human and looking upward at Parvati’s slack, sleeping face. Her dark plaits tumbled, curling, over the soft pink polka dots of her pajamas.

Lavender pulled herself up to sitting, stole the open Witch Weekly, and waited for Parvati to wake up.

-

“You’re going to be alright,” Professor Trelawney said and she wasn’t even looking at Lavender’s palm, just holding her hand tight in her cold fingers. “You’re going to be happy. You’re going to be fine. People are going to love you and stand by you and we will be there.”

The tower room was just the same as Lavender remembered it, down to the spicy-sweet tea and Trelawney’s big blinking eyes. Lavender squeezed her hands back. “I love you, too, professor.”

“You know, I think you can call me Sybil. It seems the time for it.”

–

Dean and Seamas’s housewarming for their ugly little first flat was a crowded mess, but the afterparty wasn’t. Lavender and Parvati came by with paint swatches, opinions, and hangover remedies. They ate greasy Chinese food on the floor, because it was about as comfortable as the couch.

They came back the next week, and the next. Parvati conjured a crackling fire in a big fruit bowl Dean’s mother had given him and they all sat around it like they were back at Gryffindor Tower’s hearths, procrastinating on homework.

On nights like that they sometimes talked about Hogwarts, but most of the time they didn’t. Dean had started drawing again and he walked them through his notebooks– his sisters, caricatures of the customers he dealt with in Ollivander’s wand shop, the snarky little comics he’d always scrawled in the edges of his notes. Parvati told them about the Auror trainees’ antics, going ut on their first field missions with their mentors. “All bravado and caffeine,” she said. “Bunch of show-offs.”

“So you fit in well, then?” Dean said.

“Nah, that’s Lav,” Parvati said. Dean and Seamas glanced warily at Lavender, but she just giggled and reached for another potsticker.

Seamas was considering going back to school. “Hermione’s been badgering me about it,” he said. “Says I have a talent for pyrotechnics, and there’s a whole major for fire magics at Brinxley.”

“What about you, Lav?” said Dean. “You still thinking about vet school?”

“What?”

“Oh, uh, that’s the Muggle word. Veterinarian– a medimagizoologist?”

“The schools aren’t too interested in a werewolf as a student,” Lavender said, shrugging.

“Not that that stops Hermione from showing up on the doorstep with half-penned anti-discrimination lawsuits she wants Lav to star in,” Parvati said.

“When does she sleep?” said Dean.

–

Little children asked about it in the street sometimes. “Mum, why’s her face like that?” “How come she’s walking all funny?”

Sometimes their parents turned to Lavender with eager bright eyes in the grocery store line, expecting her to answer. (“I got hurt, but I’m okay now.”) Sometimes they shushed their kids and gave her little apologetic half-smiles, glancing away from the raised lines of scar tissue. Sometimes they pulled their children closer to them and crossed to the other side of the street.

Harry Potter had a godson. Teddy Lupin was four the first time Lavender met him, just outside Gringotts. Teddy clung to Harry’s pants leg, peeking past his godfather’s hanging robe. “Why’d her face do that?” he said and Harry dropped a hand down into Teddy’s hair, which was bright green.

“She’s just like your dad,” said Harry.

“Puppy,” Teddy whispered, eyes wide with joy, and his skin shifted until scars stood out stark on his smiling chubby cheeks.

Lavender bit her lip and sank down to her knees in the street, holding out a hand. “Why aren’t you handsome, chickadee. What’s your name?”

–

Once, Lavender had wanted everyone to look at her.

She hated stories that told you to be careful what you wished for. Were you not supposed to want things? Was that the answer? She was nearly twenty two and she could make things fly with a few whispered words. She had lived through her seventh year at Hogwarts, had stepped out into that battle with her wand out and her eyes open. She had woken up–hurting, wounds tended, poison in her veins–to Parvati sleeping on Sybil’s shoulder at her bedside.

She had cried when they told her about the lycanthropy. She had cried over her bunny because a fox had gotten to it. Both times it had been with her face buried in Parvati’s shoulder and Parvati’s hands stroking her hair. She wished and she wanted– animals that never left you, bodies that never betrayed you.

Once, Lavender had wished that everyone would look at her, and now they were. Everyone was looking– so Lavender held Parvati’s hand in the grocery store at midnight, because they had both been craving green apples. Everyone was looking– so Lavender curled her hair and pinned it up, wore tank tops and little skirts on any day hot enough that she could get away with it, laughed aloud in public spaces. Everyone was looking– so Lavender knocked on Hermione Granger’s door one evening and asked, “What would it take to get me into magical vet school?”

Hermione had her bushy hair all tied back and a quill behind each ear. “A lot. There’s some statutes we’ve got to fight, and even if we can handle that you’ll still be under intense scrutiny for years.”

“I can work with that,” said Lavender, and Hermione grinned.

–

When Teddy marched down the aisle with the rings, his hair was a shimmering swirl of pink and purple to match the flowers woven into Parvati’s braids and Lavender’s curls.

The honeymoon would be short–a week in magical Paris in the townhouse of a Beauxbaton girl they’d befriended fourth year. Lavender had more medical textbooks packed into her luggage than anything else. Parvati’s bags were lined with half-finished reports that she’d owl to Auror headquarters from a rumpled Parisian morning, getting croissant crumbs in the bedsheets.

But for now the hall was filled with pink and purple blooms, white candles, familiar faces. Hermione stood in a violet bridesmaid’s dress, and Dean and Seamus in matching ties at Parvati and Lavender’s respective backs. Padma was luminescent with joy over Parvati’s shoulder. She had taken Lavender aside that morning for a short quiet walk in the mist and told her, “I know tonight’s what makes it official, but I’ve thought of you as my sister for years.”

When Lavender leaned forward and kissed her wife, her father burst into proud tears in the front row. He was a crier, always had been. Lavender buried her face in Parvati’s shoulder, smiling so hard she thought she might come apart. Her scars creased and puckered in her dimples, and she was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

[carasueachterberg]

Word of Warning: If you are not following along on this Rescue Diary on Facebook, you may not know that this story is a hard one. Sadly, it is a reality of rescue that we can’t save them all and that sometimes the damage that has been done prior to the dog arriving with us is insurmountable. Still, we do all we can and while that may not be enough, it is more than many dogs would experience apart from rescue. The following are the Facebook Diary posts in their entirety:

Diary of a Rescue: Day 1 Daisy, a pregnant shepherd mix, arrives tonight on a transport from South Carolina. Puppy room is ready and Daisy is on the van headed north! Travel safe, sweet girl, we can’t wait to meet you! #diaryofarescue#anothergooddog

Diary of a Rescue Day 1 (near midnight):

Daisy has arrived- she is terrified, skinny, and it is obvious that she has already had multiple litters. Settling in but doesn’t look like we will have puppies tonight. She’s a beautiful dog with gorgeous, expressive eyes. Gentle and frightened and yet to eat anything. I’ve tried to tell her she is safe but don’t think she believes that yet. Thanks SAVEDOG Project for getting her here safely.

Diary of a Rescue: Day 2

Daisy is still very unsure of us. She follows me hesitantly and so far is a silent dog. The light of day shows clearly how hard this dog’s life has been. I would wager she’s had many, many litters in her lifetime. Her body is stretched and worn, and the defeat in her eyes just breaks my heart.

One of the signs of impending labor is a drop in temperature. The experts say that when a mom’s temp drops below 100, she will deliver in 24 hours. I’ve had about a 50/50 success rate with that prediction, so I’m not sure it’s ironclad. Daisy’s temp is 98.9 today at lunchtime but she’s finally eating (and most moms stop eating when labor is approaching), so I think we’re still a ways off.

Diary of a Rescue Day 3:

My son, Ian, is a talented photographer and here is a picture he took of Daisy last night.

You can tell by her face that this dog is carrying some really tough stories around. This is a rare moment when she is looking up. Almost all the time, she is looking down and her tail is tucked between her legs. I was rewarded with a teeny, tiny, almost tail-wag this morning when I brought her food, so I’m hopeful we will win her over soon – hopefully before her pups arrive.

Temp today is 101.5 – perfect normal temperature for a dog which means no puppies are imminent! YAY. This gives us more time to get to know her and for her to begin to trust us. That way if anything goes sideways during the birth she’ll let me help. 98% of dogs don’t need any help when giving birth, and Daisy is obviously a pro at this, so I’m am hopeful that I will be nothing more than a cheerleader and water girl when the time comes.

Diary of a Rescue Dog: Day 4

Daisy spiked a fever this morning so we are at the Pet ER. The regular OPH vet is on maternity leave and her fill-in couldn’t see us. So we have waited almost two hours here, me worrying and Daisy fretting and Nick bored to tears. Finally, they are taking X-rays and giving her fluid and electrolytes to get her temp down and to figure out why it is so high. Of course, this all happens during a snowstorm. Could use your prayers for Daisy and her unborn pups.

Diary of a Rescue: still Day 4: Headed home from ER with Daisy. Temp still up. Hoping meds work so we don’t have to go back and hospitalize her. Snowstorm complicating things. Good news is that puppies (lots of them) look fine at this point and the fluids seem to have reactivated her appetite! They’ve also inflated her a little so her bones aren’t poking out so much.

Diary of a Rescue: Day 5

We ended up in the ER again last night with Daisy as her temperature shot back up to 105.3. I was only ever able to get it down to 104.2 at home by keeping cold wet washcloths on her feet and cooling her ears nonstop.

Normal temp for dogs is 101-102.5. That high temp put the puppies at great risk, not to mention the stress on Daisy between the fever and the travel (in the snowstorm) to and from the ER twice.

Daisy’s temp was down to 102.4 when we brought her home and this morning it is 99.3. She has very little appetite but otherwise seems good as can be expected – tired and still wary of everything around her.

She’s on antibiotics now and fingers crossed that will knock out whatever caused her fever. I am hoping that the current low temp doesn’t indicate labor coming and that she will have another week to rest and heal and for the puppies to grow.

Daisy does seem to be trusting me and Nick now – she meets my eye and her tail isn’t clamped so tightly between her legs. Nick had to carry her (59 pounds!) in and out of house and vet, she was too wobbly from the fever and too scared to follow me. I know it wasn’t how he planned to spend his day/night and he missed work to help me, so I’m more than grateful to have a partner who backs me up and grateful we have a good four-wheel drive vehicle that got us safely to and from the ER – twice!

We are all tired and holding our breath and hoping the worst is over, but something tells me this journey with Daisy is nowhere near finished.

Diary of a Rescue: Day 5 (evening)

Daisy’s temp shot up again this afternoon over 105, so we are at the vet’s office waiting to see doc at Clearview Animal Hospital, LLC. Daisy did well on the hilly drive over here and thankfully we didn’t encounter and downed limbs from the heavy snow and ice. We could use your prayers once again. Hopefully, we can get her some relief and figure out where fever is coming from.

Diary of a Rescue Day 6:

Let me start by reminding you that when I started this Diary I warned you that there might not be a happy ending. Because this is not fiction (oh, how I wish it was), I have no control over the outcome.

Daisy got more fluids and a new course of antibiotics last night. The wonderful staff at Clearview taught me how to administer fluids and sent me home with more ‘just in case’. Her temp was normal by the time we were home.

I will spare you the gory details, but nothing about what happened next was anything like any of my other litters. About 10pm Daisy delivered a puppy that was clearly not ready to be born. It lasted only a few minutes. Five hours later, after straining and straining and wandering confused around my puppy pen, she delivered a stillborn pup and this morning, just before I took her back to Clearview when they opened, she had another dying puppy.

Daisy has been amazing through all of this – confused, scared, and trying her best. She has leaned on me and licked my face each time I sat down with her. I’ve done my best to comfort her, but truly, there was not much comfort to find.

She is in good hands now, and I am only focused on saving Daisy. As sad and awful as it is, her body cannot take raising another litter of puppies and I am not holding out much hope that any of the remaining pups will survive. In the end, that will be a blessing.

So much is wrong with this situation, but none of it is Daisy’s fault or OPH’s fault or any of the vets that have treated her or the shelter that held her. The fault lies with some anonymous person or persons in South Carolina who did not care for or value this dog. She has likely already had a dozen litters of puppies in her life, and yet no one who knew about it or adopted one of her cute puppies did anything to help her.

I thought much about this last night as I sat with Daisy. It will not do us any good to be angry now, what we have to do is act. We have to change this crappy situation. There is no excuse for it.

While I so desperately wish this had turned out differently, I’m glad I’m sharing it with you because this is the part of rescue too many people don’t know about. We see the best and the worst and it stretches our hearts, but it will not break them. There is too much work to be done.

Diary of a Rescue Day 6: (midday)

Daisy is struggling to deliver the remaining pups and it has been decided that she will need a C-section. She’ll be spayed at the same time, so one good outcome – no more puppies EVER again. This dog has been through so much, so surgery will be risky, but is necessary. I’m grateful she’s in such good hands and super grateful that they are keeping me updated even though I know they have their hands full with regular patients. Her doc even came in on a day off to do this surgery. Daisy is in the best possible place right now.

One more thing, at this point, one of the puppies she delivered at Clearview is alive. Maybe he takes after his mama and is a fighter too. We shall see. Prayers and positive, healing energy welcomed! #togetherwerescue

Diary of a Rescue: Day 6 (4pmish)

Daisy is out of surgery and doing well! One large female pup survived of the five additional pups they pulled during the C-section (that’s eleven total pups if you’re keeping count). The boy pup has been nursing and holding his own. Once Daisy is fully awake from surgery, they will try to get girl pup nursing. If everyone continues to improve I can bring the little family home tonight!

It will be another long night fretting over this little crew. Daisy will be exhausted and now we have an incision to keep an eye on while being sure the puppies can nurse. Her nipples from her years of having puppies are enlarged and misshapen and some will be impossible for the puppies to latch onto.

Long, sketchy road ahead, but one big hurdle jumped. Can’t say enough about how amazing Clearview staff have been. Courtney has been with the puppies all day long and I imagine it hasn’t been easy to lose so many. Dr. Shank gave up her day off to operate on Daisy and the two of them have taken the time to keep me informed of all that’s happening. Outstanding veterinary care, but more than that, they truly love the animals.

Relieved, but bracing myself for more to come. Thank you all for your many prayers today – I know Daisy and her two little babes have been wrapped in them.  #togetherwerescue #anothergooddog

Diary of a Rescue Day 6 (evening):

Daisy is home and resting but has lost a lot of blood. She is weak and dehydrated, but I will give her fluids through the night. As hard as this is, I’m learning a lot and gaining skills that will help me with the next litter.

Puppies are very skinny and have a lot of trouble latching on and staying on. In this grab from my baby cam, she is snuggled around them. She has been licking and nuzzling them, so no matter what happens tonight they are being loved.

Hopeful sign- Daisy walked from her travel crate into puppy box (Nick removed a side for her so she didn’t have to hop over) AND she had a big drink of water.

It will be touch and go tonight. I’m staying close by and will do what I can but we still don’t know the cause of the fever and the abortion of the pups. We don’t know if the pups failing created the fever or vice versa. Hoping she responds to the antibiotics and anti-inflammatories she is on now.

Hoping to turn the corner soon but still far from it. Thanks for your support and kind words- they mean a lot.  #togetherwerescue #anotgergooddog

Diary of a Rescue: Day 7:

We had a mostly good night. Daisy is eating a little bit of chicken and rice almost every time I offer it. This morning she even ate a little canned puppy food. She is drinking water also. She doesn’t get up for either but obliges me when I offer her bowls to her. All good signs! I think being ‘home’ in the quiet warm puppy room is really helping.

I had planned to take her back to Clearview this morning but she is doing so well we’re going to stay home for now. She has yet to pass any urine or stools so I know she is still very dehydrated, but her gum color has returned and she no longer lying flat.

The girl puppy passed last night but the boy puppy is still with us. He seems determined to nurse but it is a challenge. Daisy spent most of the night curled around him.

We are still not out of the woods and far from that corner I keep hoping we will turn but things are decidedly better. I got some sleep last night and even a quick shower! Hoping to have a moment to sneak over to Walmart to grab something for Ian for Valentines Day. A little normalcy is good for the soul!

Thanks for following along on this rescue- it is comforting to know we are in so many prayers. Remarkable to think that this dog who has been so neglected for so long is on the hearts of so many. I keep saying (about the problem of so many good dogs dying from neglect or crowded shelters) that it’s not that people don’t care it’s that they don’t know.  #togetherwerescue #anothergooddog

Diary of a Rescue: Day 7 (3pmish):

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Daisy is doing great (although every time I say this things go sideways). She is eating a lot and drinking well, and (this is huge) she finally peed! I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to step on a soak puppy pad in my stocking feet before! Peeing means that she is not so dehydrated, which has been one of our biggest threats for the past 24 hours. Her temp has been normal all day, which is a huge relief. I’m plying her with chicken and rice and hamburger and some fancy canned puppy food I dashed out and bought at Pet Valu a little bit ago.

Boy puppy is hanging on but getting weaker. I will be surprised if he lasts the night, but then again I was surprised when he made it through last night.

Another OPH foster, Chris, is going to come and mama/pup sit for me so I can sneak out to watch Ian swim in the Invitationals (thanks Chris!) later. Going to the store and now heading to a swim meet, I feel like I’m returning to the land of the living, like Daisy and I have been on some kind of Odyssey for the last four days.

This sweet dog’s heart is overwhelming. Daisy rarely gets up, stayng put to let the puppy nurse/stay warm and also because she is beyond exhausted and each time I bring her a bowl to eat or drink, she takes a few bites or sips and then licks my hand. I think it’s her way of saying thank you. #togetherwerescue #anothergooddog

Diary of a Rescue: Day 7 (evening):

Daisy’s baby boy passed this evening. What a little fighter he was- but there were far too many strikes against the little guy. At the end he went very peacefully. It was actually pretty amazing even though it was heart wrenching to witness. Daisy cradled him in her paws for awhile and licked him gently. After he was gone she ripped up all the bedding into a pile in the puppy box and is now lying here on it finally really sleeping hard.

If I try to leave she gets up, so I’m sitting here until it’s time for meds in thirty minutes hoping she has at least that much peace. I’m remembering where this girl was just a week ago and thinking of all we’ve been through. She is still hurting and swollen and I can’t help but wonder why this happened the way it did and whether it’s over (in terms of Daisy’s health).

Tomorrow we start moving forward with this girl- getting her healthy and happy and ready to find her family. But tonight we’re going to sit here together and mourn her 11 babies and all that might have been.

Thank you for your prayers and support for this beautiful dog and her enormous heart.

#togetherwerescue #anothergooddog

It is hard to believe it has been a week since Daisy arrived and that this time last week, I was hopeful and excited to welcome Daisy and her impending family. Now, instead, in my mudroom is a broken and sad dog who is just beginning the long road to healing. I will continue to post her journey because it’s my greatest hope that now is when the good part starts.

When I set out to write this diary, I thought it would be a happy story to buoy us during the long, cold winter. When things began to slide, I wasn’t sure I should continue to keep writing or whether I should share all of the details with you. In the end, I did, except for the long night of labor/delivery at my house because it was so very hard to witness and the outcome spoke for itself.

I decided to keep writing because maybe this was a story that needed to be told and that just maybe it would inspire someone to act, to get involved, to help change the situation in our country in which too many good dogs are neglected and forgotten. Our country continues to euthanize up to a million dogs a year, and that doesn’t count the dogs like Daisy who die in or out of rescue as a result of apathy and ignorance.

If this story has motivated you to help in any way, here are a few options:

Volunteer at your local shelter or rescue – walk dogs, take dogs for a ‘day out’ or a sleepover, or consider fostering dogs. Photographers are always needed because a good photo can be the difference between a dog getting adopted or not. If you’re a cat person (and the cat problem is MUCH bigger), you can cuddle kitties or take pictures/write bios. Volunteers are also needed for fundraising, reference checking, and many other tasks that don’t require that you even get your hands dirty. Even one hour a week will make a difference.

When you decide to get your next dog, consider adopting from a shelter or rescue. And when you hear of others who have done so, thank them for choosing to rescue.

Donate to your local shelter or rescue – stories like Daisy’s are all too common. Adoption fees don’t begin to cover the cost of rescue. If you are moved to help with Daisy’s bills, you can do so through the OPHrescue website designating that your donation is for “Daisy B.’

And, if you’d like to follow along daily on Daisy’s journey, like/follow my public Facebook page. I plan to continue to document Daisy’s journey right up until the happy ending that she so deserves.

Thanks for reading!

If you’d like to know more about my blogs and books, visit CaraWrites.com or subscribe to my monthly e-newsletter (which is rarely monthly, but I’m working at it…everybody needs a goal).

If you’d like to know more about the book, Another Good Dog: One Family and Fifty Foster Dogs, visit AnotherGoodDog.org, where you can find more pictures of the dogs from the book (and some of their happily-ever-after stories), information on fostering, the schedule of signings, and what you can do right now to help shelter animals! You can also purchase a signed copy or several other items whose profits benefit shelter dogs!

If you’d like to know how you can volunteer, foster, adopt or donate with OPH, click here. And if you’d like more pictures and videos of my foster dogs past and present, be sure to join the Another Good Dog Facebook group.

I love hearing from readers, so please feel free to comment here on the blog, email carasueachterberg@gmail.com or connect with me on Facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

 Best,

 Cara

Released August 2018 from Pegasus Books and available now

Diary of a Rescue: Week One #togetherwerescue #anothergooddog @operationpawsforhomes Word of Warning: If you are not following along on this Rescue Diary on Facebook, you may not know that this story is a hard one.

[tomorrowssound]

Er... thanks to Jade, Jared decided not to kill himself, and he's changed his will leaving the Towers to Jade instead of Emerald, but Emerald found out about it, and now she's trying to seduce Chet to give her the new will so that she can destroy it; Montana's planning to kill Jared at midnight so the Towers will belong to Emerald and Montana, but I think she's going to double-cross him and he doesn't know it yet. Poor Chet. (Twin Peaks, Episode 4)

"The One Armed Man" Twin Peaks Episode 4 (Air date: May 3 1990) As a sidenote, today is the 27th anniversary of the airing of the Twin Peaks Pilot episode. That and I really wanted to use a Lucy quote as a title at *some* stage. In many ways Lucy relating the plot of show inside a show "Invitation to love" is a wonderful self reflection on TV drama itself. I have tried to not just document what events happen in each episode, wikipedia does that nicely, and instead reflect on my reactions to each episode then and now. Plus I could never explain the plot of a drama like Lucy...

Have you seen this man? If I was a less accepting viewer I may start to get frustrated by the mysterious killer that is only ever seen in dreams or visions. BOB was a striking figure and at this stage of the series he was featuring large, was he just a metaphor? Or a character we would learn more about? Some hidden mastermind? Sarah Palmer relates her vision of BOB to Hawk and Andy, and discusses the vision of Laura's Necklace being taken from it's hiding place. I do like that Andy is the Police Sketch artist, a character who is basically shown as a useless small town cop (especially when placed next to the highly capable Sheriff and Hawk) at this point in the show having a pretty darn useful skill for a small police department. It's good subtle world building, especially as he does so again later in the series, things exist in the world that make sense and give us a sense of place. I know that sounds odd when talking about Twin Peaks but it is true, it may be Mark Frosts influence but after five weeks the town is sketched in well enough that the viewer knows what should and shouldn't exist. When we are introduced to new characters or locations they make sense, at no point is there suddenly a Giant Mall or a skyscraper office building in the town for no real reason other than it being convenient to the plot or an interesting setting. (I'm looking at you The Walking Dead) Simple good world building makes the locales of a show feel more real and less like mere backdrops.

While we have seen him before, the one armed man is first encountered by Cooper "in the flesh" in this episode. But this is not the mysterious MIKE but humble shoe salesman Michael Gerrard. Does he know a BOB? Well yes he does! Old Bob Lydecker is perhaps his best friend in the world but was currently in a Coma... We also meet Hank Jennings, Norma's husband who is in jail for vehicular homicide. Reflecting Lucy's soap opera, he is getting out and coming home to ruin Norma and Big Ed's romance as well as having some strange connection to Josie Packard. (And a thing for Dominos)

After a cameo by David Lynch's voice as FBI regional chief Gordon Cole, they discover the animal bites on Laura's shoulder were from a Myna bird. A trip to the local Vet reveals the Myna to be owned by Jacques Renault which gives them the probably cause to search Jacques apartment. Meanwhile, Bobby has gotten the bloody shirt from Shelly and is in the process of planting it at Jacques while the Police come in. (Bobby proves himself to be quite the Rogue in this season) Bobby manages to sneak out before they enter and Cooper finds the Bloody shirt. Meanwhile, Leo is meeting with Ben Horne planning to burn down the Mill and revealing that he has killed Bernard Renault and sent Jacques back to Canada. James Hurley also meets Maddie for the first time at the RR and we are teased with just how much she looks like her cousin. James is taken aback by the likeness and later Donna talks about Laura and her mother having visions while they check on the Necklace hidden in the woods. It's gone! Donna determines that they have to find Laura's killer as they were the two people who loved her the most. This show does have a dim view of Scooby Doo shenanigans, and while Audrey's adventures cause trouble; Donna's tampering in the investigation endangers her, and James and many others... (Although I think, if you take the events of Fire Walk with Me into account, we may have motive as to why Donna wanted to keep the cops away from Laura's past...)