#i would. draw to feel better but i don't. know if i want to even look at csp right now lmfao fjdhxbsbdbsf
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In Defense of Donnie's Gifts
I'm ngl I sorta think the shock collar was still just an odd writing decision but as far as PREMISE:
It CANNOT be a coincidence that this is the first time (and one of VERY few times) that Donnie's soft shell is referenced. Once, when Raph is hesitating to tell Donnie his gifts suck ass, and he uses the soft shell metaphor, and after that with Meat Sweats and his paprika, describing it as not just soft, but delicate. Weird, but he is a cannibal, so. (Side note, Meat Sweats never removed his battle shell? How does he know? Or did he take it off and replace it after the pound of butter? Is he using it to facilitate steaming and tenderness? Is it broken? I feel like it should have something in there that could break him out of the sausage links)
Then in that last little scene- "Forget it. You guys are great the way you are!" - we get the shot of Donnie from behind pre group hug, with his brothers facing the camera. (Idk if I'm making shit up, but I feel like this is a staple for Donnie episodes? It def happens in the Purple Game, maybe Smart Lair.) The framing draws attention to his battle shell. The battle shell even kinda matches the gifts, compared to the rest of their gear and even Donnie's tech, color coded and way more streamlined than stuff like the tech bo.
Donnie's soft shell is an innate, unchangeable part of him, a feature of his species, that he treats as a handicap. Probably MORE unchangeable than the character traits he sees as holding his brothers back, which they do sorta... not mature out of, but refine, rather, over the course of the show. Donnie's shell can't experience a character arc, but he sees it as holding him back. So he FIXES it.
The Mad Dogs don't really have a motivation for beating stuff up besides "Hero Time!!!" at this point. That's why it's so interesting how EARLY this happens, unlike with Mind Meld, he isn't trying to change his brothers to make them better at a task that he actually CARES about. Donnie in particular never gets a super intense moral compass besides stuff that threatens people he already cares about, and he doesn't have any grudges (no Purple Dragons) at this point in the series. Hero Goals are largely devices for him to hang out with his dum dum brothers. I'm not diagnosed or anything but my vibes are certainly... Spectrum-Adjacent, I definitely have trouble with literal thinking and reading people. One thing that happens sometimes is people will be using "task" as "reason to hang," and I will get a lot more fixated on completing said task than I really should, to the point of annoying people. I confuse "Successful Task Completion" with "Successful Social Interaction." It makes me come across as bossy and controlling without realizing it.
So, we got a Donnie who thinks Arbitrary Goals are essential to Hero Bonding, who has been treating his life like an mmorpg - armor upgrades, skill trees, grinding, sometimes fighting through random dungeons to hang out with his bros. He's probably even slightly better at Fighting Stuff than his brothers atp, he isn't dealing with a mystic learning curve and his special interest has been Weapons of Mild Destruction for years already. His brothers want to level up, take harder missions, he tries to get them there with his access to High Level Loot.
Of course, his brothers are all min-maxing, not trying to multiclass their purple ass out of squishy glass cannon town. So, it doesn't go well. Unfortunately, the lesson Donnie learns (besides brotherly affection) is that his brothers don't NEED fixing like he does. Mind Meld and Donnie vs. Witch Town sorta finish this arc out as best as the series can.
Where I would have liked to see this go:
A S2 Donnie's Gifts or Mind Meld style episode (Donnie tries to improve his brothers, to their dismay) where the motivator isn't goal completion, but protectiveness. We see a bit of the fear in Purple Game, a bit of the contingency planning with the escape pods in the movie. Maybe a more upfront "training montage" type scenario, a high tech robo dojo to develop their mad skills, or just a tense moment after a skin of their teeth Genius Built rescue.
The brothers confront Donnie eventually-- not just the passive conflict resolution of Donnie's Gifts. They get mad. Push Donnie to the point he's at in Turtle-Dega Nights. They get a rant about not wanting them to get hurt, of course, but also that he's already done so much to FIX himself, make sure he's not a LIABILITY, why can't they at least try to stay SAFE? The dangers are real now, and as far as Donnie knows he REALLY can't do anything about threats like the Shredder. His tech did nothing the first time. His brothers are the ones with the mystic mojo, and they don't even realize how SERIOUS things could get.
Anyway. Protective Donatello my Beloved. Let my boy go apeshit.
//I REALLY Like the 2003 episode where Leo is hurt and Donnie is fucking PISSED at Usagi. All Donnies should be allowed to enter a feral protective rage, as a treat.
//If anyone knows of any Purple Game Aftermath fics lmk. Like, going home, getting donnie out of the evil gamer chair, guilt, whatever. or just good Purple Dragons being Assholes content.
#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#tmnt donatello#rise donnie#autistic donatello#is that a tag?#idk
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Oh, I've been wanting to speak out about this for a long time. Robin and Slade's relationship. I would describe the dynamics of Robin/Terra and Slade as follows:
"She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita."
Why is Robin so fixated on Deathstroke?
Don't forget that Robin was raised by Batman and therefore Robin picked up some of his bad habits. Robin is a perfectionist who hates losing throughout the series. (Winner Take All). He is constantly training and striving to be better. Slade manipulates him by relying on these features of Robin.
"It's simple. There is good and there is evil. There are people who commit crimes and those who prevent them. Two sides of the same coin, opposite as day and night. There is a clear boundary between them, or at least it should be."
The first encounter between Slade and Robin took place in the series "Forces of Nature". There, Robin will first encounter rivals that he will not be able to catch. This will instill in him a sense of guilt for his mistake, and in each subsequent battle this feeling will become stronger and stronger.
"You and I are surprisingly similar."
Slade will use it. He will force Robin to distance himself from his team. Grayson will turn red to get close to the villain, which will cause distrust in the future. Slade will often draw a parallel between them, claiming that they are the same, thereby causing Robin to doubt his beliefs. He forces Robin to steal from Wayne Enterprises, which reinforces Robin's sense of guilt.
"We even think the same way.… I've been monitoring your biological parameters during the fight: heart rate, adrenaline, endorphin. You didn't even know, but at some stage you were enjoying stealing for me."
Consequences or "Haunted "
In episode 3 of the Haunted season, we are shown the consequences of Robin and his experiences. There is no formal Slade in the series itself. All we see are Robin's hallucinations that reflect his fears. Throughout season 3, Robin has the idea that Slade is alive. The Titans convince him that this is not the case. Grayson constantly checks the monitors, goes down to the basement to check Slade's mask. this suggests that he did not let go of the situation. And after poisoning , his movements are revealed .
He is afraid that he has become weaker, that he has not been able to defeat his enemy on his own, because at the end of season 1 he was helped by the Titans, and in the second by Terra. He's downright paranoid. (It's very similar to PTSD)
"No, Robin. I won't stop. Not now, not ever. I am the thing that keeps you up at night. The evil that haunts every dark corner of your mind. I will never rest...and neither will you."
In the future, Robin will remember this situation less often, but the limited effect will still remain.
Result:
Slade left a serious injury and undermined Robin's trust in his team. He's a manipulative and creepy person. His reciprocal obsession with Robin, an underage boy, worries me a lot too. It seems very frightening to me. But most of all, I'm probably scared of people romanticizing their relationship. Is literally an adult man and an underage boy!
Note:
I drew the art purely for this post. For the atmosphere :)
#fanart#dc comics#dc fanart#dick grayson#slade wilson#Slade#deathstroke#teen titans#robin#dc robin#I hate Deathstroke so much!
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Hello!
Can I request for a yandere Hualian x reader but reader is actually okay with their behavior?
I do not Mind
Hualian x gn!reader
Heyyy... 😔🙏 I've been gone for ever again, I love y'all🩷 I swear. A little nervous about this one because how far is too far with a yandere 😥 like some readers want their yandere to murder someone for them some people just want them to be obsessive... Comment and tell me if it's too much y'all, I'll edit it.
Also I'm very unfamiliar with yandere territory so! I don't know if I'm able to capture them quite well😐!!!
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It started innocently enough, your relationship with them. You've never had two boyfriends before but you found yourself enjoying it. How could you not? They love you and care for you. Xie Lian was so sweet and gentle with you, always caring. Hua Cheng is protective and devoted to you, so loving. Some people are lucky enough to find a good man, you were lucky enough to find two of them. Maybe your luck is better than Hua Cheng's.
All had been going well, it was like any normal relationship! You guys would go out on dates, you would all spend time with one another, care for one another, gift things, give affection, and of course have sex. Normal, healthy relationships. Arguments were few to none and it felt like you were in a state of bliss, contentment. It was... Well it was perfect.
So perfect, and so content that it took you quite a while to notice when strange things were starting to happen. It wasn't mind boggling, just different. Hua Cheng's devotion to you his protectiveness seemed to become tenfold, and Xie Lian's caring nature -while you loved him for it- seemed directed to keep you in their sights. It was not unusual for you all to go separate ways throughout the day, but suddenly you needed to be near one of them at all times. Even if you were going out with some friends, one of them or both of them would come along. You didn't mind you like spending time with your lovers, so you think nothing of it. You thought maybe these incidents were just coincidental.
For starters, for some reason you just can't bring yourself to leave, you feel faint and dizzy when you try to leave the doors of your alls home. So you don't leave, you tell your lovers you feel unwell and stay mostly in bed. It's strange though... As soon as you leave the proximity of the doors you feel well again. And another thing! Your lovers have been all over you. You enjoy it of course, you love them dearly but they're acting very needy. As more days pass you find Xie Lian and Hua Cheng are always attached to your hip. You're half sure your hand is stuck in a curled position from holding Hua Cheng's hand all the time!
Hua Cheng had always been devoted to you and Xie Lian but it's been more like... Admiration! Obsession. He'll follow you around everywhere and if he can't there's always silver butterflies resting in your hair, they're cute so you can't complain. He'll stare at you with his one eye, all day! You found he's been making piles of drawings of you in many different ways, and even a statue or two here and there. That's really suspicious. Maybe he's just really taken the time to admire you! He loves art after all, and maybe you've become his muse.
Oh and Xie Lian, don't even get started on him! His "selfless" nature and the feeling of going out of his way for you? It's a too cute! much. You need to go out to town? Oh he'll go get it don't worry about it, stay home. Oh you haven't seen your friends? No worries he'll update them that you aren't feeling well! Every little thing you want or need seems to be taken care of by them. Just stay here, don't leave stay home, don't leave get some rest. Don't leave.
That's not even to mention when they both gang up on you. The need for validation. "Do you love us?", "Aren't we good to you?", "Are you happy here?", "Will you stay?", "Promise, promise promise".
You've been cooped up for quite a while, and of course you don't stay cooped up all the time. You go out to ghost city with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng! Your friends must miss you though because one of them come to check on you. When you talk to them, they seem quite worried, pale faced. "Do you need help..?" Why would you need that? Xie Lian and Hua Cheng have been taking care of you. They dote and spoil you all the time, honestly you've barely noticed how long it's been since you've been isolated anywhere near the heavens, or spent time with anyone else! You want to reassure them but Xie Lian ushers you away from the door, to the bedroom. He just doesn't want you to leave feel faint again, so just let Hua Cheng talk to them. What a caring lover!
When Hua Cheng comes back to the bedroom he doesn't mention anything, he must have sent your friend off. How sweet. So sweet you don't notice anything amiss. Definitely not the red splatter on his cheek. How would you notice any of it when most of it blends in with his clothing anyhow? E-ming rattles in the sheath.
So yes, it has been strange these past couple of months. Although it did take you a little while to even notice, although you can be quite oblivious, you are not stupid. You are not blind. Hua Cheng and Xie Lian's attitudes have changed to clingy, and obsessed. Your dizziness these past few weeks is most definitely because of the strange incense you keep smelling near the doors of your home, and the seals that have been placed in obscure places. You don't find yourself minding these things. You love them, their attention, their clinginess, their obsession and love.
So no you don't pay mind to the frequent disappearances of other gods whom you're acquainted with. You pay no mind to Hua Cheng's, or Xie Lian's robes having to be washed because of stains, you stay naive to E-ming needing to be cleaned so often. In fact you welcome it.
Xie Lian and Hua Cheng must know that you know too because they don't try to hide it anymore. Their needy questions and need for validation have become demands. Sweet ones, so how could you ever resist them, when they obviously love you so, so much?
You can't
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So how do we feel guys? First time I think I've ever written yandere stuff so this is very unfamiliar territory I'm welcome to criticism!
#tgcf#tgcf headcanon#hualian#hualian x reader#hua cheng x reader#xie lian x reader#yandere#tian guan ci fu#mdzs
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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Saw this prompt for incorrect OC quotes and couldn't resist with a bunch of my Breach goobers. Some of them would absolutely say these things word for word in canon if I gave them half the chance to, though. XD
They're in order of when they showed up in person - Qīng, Ghost, Red, Marisol, Shio, Cam, Daruk, Tawoos, and Alondra - as well as some important honorable mentions who have only been mentioned or gotten dialogue - Star, Blake, and Creation.
Star's design is a slight spoiler, I suppose, but it doesn't reveal if they're human or impostor, so it's all good. Creation's "design" also isn't a spoiler at all, because They can look however They want, LOL. As for Shio...some of you who have seen the body horror I've done of them may be wondering why they look so normal here, but I promise there are Reasons. :3c
In other news, will I be making a liar out of Shio in an upcoming Breach canon divergence? ..........Maybe~ >:3c
#original characters#breach#among us#(technically lol)#look i even revealed what their colors would be - as if it wasn't already patently obvious#aside from creation but - uh - ignore them (trust me it's better this way)#meanwhile qīng's color isn't even available which is a Damn Shame#there needs to be a sky blue already ffs#cyan ain't cutting it#if it were an actual lobby qīng would waffle so hard between blue and cyan and would miss his chance to pick either XD#the closest quote to canon is cam's because she REALLY wants a different job and she'll take yours in a fucking HEARTBEAT#meanwhile the closest quote to BECOMING canon is creation's and it is taking all of my willpower to resist their insistence that i allow it#the most incorrect quote of all is definitely blake's - he is so mad at me for drawing this and calling out how he feels about his old job#the biggest lie here is red's - he absolutely thinks about breaking rules and does it a lot more than he'd like to admit#someone give poor tawoos a fucking break - they didn't ask for this#i promise that marisol is more than The Bitchy Sunflower Girl - just give her some time - i promise#alondra has other aspects too but she would be weirdly offended if you tried to assure her that she's more than just Squeaky Mouse Girl#if daruk ever had to go to anger management he would accidentally incite a rage riot just like dan did in that episode of dan vs#ghost i'm sorry but your fashion sense is incomprehensible and i don't even know how i come up with half the stuff i put you in#did blake steal the jacket off of crinklytinfoil's pink/chase from the skeld? absolutely not - he borrowed it cuz those two would be BUDS#these tags are ridiculous#ok im done now
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I'm getting increasingly more and more rambling-essay-like in the tags every passing day
....well at least people won't think of me as intimidating now!
#but like I don't have any essay material rn#anything I wanted to say for isat I told in the isat ss discord and I hate repeating myself as I'm not a media player#to repeat something that you've already written it should be either worth it OR it should be extremely interesting like translating a fic#or forget what you did write and what didn't so that your brain is so confused that you loop over one theme and essay for years#and since no one read them as you've never posted them you can basically do that forever#but sadly you're also probably extremely slow so everyone already made their essay and yours is like a 1st grader learning to write#I'm not usually picky with what people do but I AM extremely strict with what I write I don't care for comments as much#as I dislike the idea of getting them like they know better - well then I will know even better that those possible comments#that would never be written either way because people usually like to do “um... actually” to people that behave like they know stuff#when they just say common knowledge for years and they just failed to tell the fact correctly#I was one of the people that would do that but mostly irl as I dislike attention and irl it's easily brushed off#but if years of fandom stuff taught me anything is that sometimes being less intense leads to you having fun#instead of you know talking to walls because you're scared of other people THIS much#isat fandom REALLY had me at my best and now I'm slowly walking back to my normal-less normal than usual#and I'm kind of sorry???? kind of not???? like... I don't... care?????#I feel like at this point I might as well make extremely clear that my account is NOT an art one it's MY main#it's 2 am and considering one of the reblogs I did I might be just a little bit stressed! the usual honestly#okay I've taken a breath and I honestly have no idea why did I write all this#well! I have a guess and it's more to like “Well now that I ramble more people will notice that I like talking more that drawing”#and yeah who says people won't? people HATE the ones who talk a lot#I'm also feeling extremely tired so even if I wanted to draw I'm not drawing head starts to hurt either way#I wonder if I should actually start making my rambles and essays into posts#NOT repeating myself though
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I swear why are half the things i like/fandoms im in made of mostly younger people while the other half are mostly older people? what are the zoggin odds with that?
How it feels being 20 in a fandom with a bunch of 30-40 somethings.
VS how it feels being 20 in a fandom with a bunch of 14-17 somethings.
like am do i just have extremely odd luck with things i like or is this just what being 20 is like?
#I go browse homestuck twitter and find out an artist I like is turning 16. I go to warhammer twitter and see a meme poster I enjoy is almost#three times my age.#like how do you get a person to somehow feel too old to be in a one fandom yet too young to be in the another?#i know this sounds stupid but it happens every time i like something#world of warcraft has people who have been playing this game for as long as i have been alive#despite aging with the game minecraft is primarily youngsters#team fortress 2 is somehow both too young and too old a fanbase#i've long since reconciled with the fact pretty much everything i like is over a decade old but why cant i just like something with a ->#similar age base? like it would be nice to interact with people that like similar things i like on a consistent basis.#I don't want to buzz around my 2 friends ears trying to not talk too much about my interests. Don't get me wrong I love those two gits but-#its not like i can complain about those childish gits who kept blocking the good fishing nodes in world of warcraft#I cant share my homestuck art and make references to characters that they don't know#I like making references! references make up roughly 1/3rd my jokes! Heck they make up my zogging dialogue too!#HECK I SAY ZOG AND GIT BECAUSE I AM A BLOODY STUPID MIMIC! I'M NOT EVEN BRITISH I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS!#YET EVERY TIME I GET A NEW “main interest” OR WHATEVER I END UP TAKING IN ZOGGIN SPEECH PATTERNS FROM THE DANG THINGS!#I ONCE MUTTERED “merde” WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG FOR LIKE OVER A YEAR BECAUSE SPY SAID IT AND ONLY STOPPED WHEN MY BILINGUAL AND FRENCH TAKIN#FATHER AND BROTHER RESPECTIVELY TOLD ME IT MEANT SHIT#I SAY “SLAPS ME ON THE KNEE” AND “SUCKS ON ICE” BECAUSE OF A MAIN INTEREST!#MY POSTURE GOT BETTER SOLELY BECAUSE I DID NOTHING BUT LEVEL A ZANDALARI HUNTER UNTIL LEVEL 120.#WHEN LAUGHING A MODERATE AMOUNT I DO THE /LOL ORC EMOTE. WHEN CHUCKLING I PUT MY HAND ON MY MOUTH LIKE SHIVER FROM SPLATOON BLOODY 3!!!#I HAVE BEEN UNINTENTIONALLY MIMICKING THINGS I LIKE FOR YEARS! I BOB MY HEAD AND WALK DIGITIGRADE BECAUSE I HEARD BIRDS/DINOSAURS DO IT TO-#BALANCE WHEN WALKING. AND THE ONLY REASON I SUCKED AT RUNNING WAS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WATCHED A SCENE OF ICE AGE WHERE SID WAS WAL#ING AND MIMICKED HOW HE WALKED FOOT -> FOOT INSTEAD OF HEEL -> TOE HEEL -> TOE#AND NOW I GUESS I'M JUST WAITING FOR WHAT ILL GET FROM HOMESTUCK HUH#ugh if you can't tell this is a midnight brainrot post. i may be awake and on my computer but this still has the energy of that kind of pos#saturday warhammer and the following wendys browsing for ya folks.#midnight brainrot#Man i needed to get those off my chest#not like anyone reads these midnight brainrot posts anyways#oh yeah gotta tag art and paint.net so i can easily find these drawings later if i need them
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So busy with Sparkstember that I almost forgot that I go back to school on tuesday
#honestly maybe it's better this way. i'd rather just not care at all rather than be super stressed about it#just like i've been doing with every little thing for most of my life#might have missed the date when we were supposed to choose our elective courses. well whatever Lol#and i still don't even know what my schedule is or what classes i have this semester oopsie#well the university itself doesn't seem particularly pressed about giving us the schedule either#but i'd probably better still read up on the classes at least before they start#i don't have high hopes for this year just like with the last. probably should just stop pretending that i still want to study anything atp#this wasn't even my first choice of a course bcs i had to prepare for that damn exam to be accepted for my preffered one#but i couldn't be bothered to study for it again which probably should have told me enough abt whether going into this again is a good idea#i'm so tired just thinking about it but i know that actually looking for a job and then having a job will be a thousand times worse so uh#but at least i'd have my own money and start doing something ughhhh. useful maybe. who knows what it will be though#i have no ideaaaaaa. but this feels like just putting off the inevitable. like at some point i need to get my shit together#i will probably report at the end of the next week about how i'm so done already#i don't really knowwww mannnnnm. i don't feel like i had any vacation at all even though 3 months have already passed#and i also sort of didn't prepare something relatively easy to do that would have given me an actual document#that would confirm that i actually finished that part-time school thing last semester#can't really be bothered to come back to it at this point though#well at least i learned something actually useful and interesting from that and that's enough for me tbh#and a lot of it is also relevant to my current area of interest (digital drawing and computer graphics in general)#well speaking of which i'd better just get back to drawing now lol. just one more left to finish!!!#in short i guess that my new way of dealing with stress is just ignoring it all#well it's worked in some way at least so it can't be an entirely bad thing lol#goosepost
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I have been super close to a robust number of artists over the years and it is hugely funny how much I absolutely just fucking hate the process of creating digital art
#I've picked up nothing#desperately trying to make some new channel assets and I would rather tweeze my nose hairs#just shit some shapes on a couple of canvases hoping I'll open them again in the future and poke them again#and rinse and repeat until I have something#it's not even that self depreciating “I hate my own art” thing#frankly I LOVE my own art especially when I have An Idea That I Manage To Implement#what I fucking hate is digital art programs#it feels like drawing with reacher grabbers instead of arms#I know I don't want to learn the motor skills required to freehand draw (because I am not excited by it)#so here we are in aseprite vacillating between yelling at my monitor and arranging squares#by the time I even get a workable file and upload it to stream elements then I have negative patience for stream elements#which I also LOATHE#sidebar there are so many programs that grid has no problems with that I Cannot Comprehend#which would be super funny if it wasn't all the programs I need to use in order to make the ONE HOBBY I HAVE any better
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/ec7d8fbf1a77ec2c0b1ceae0882b43f6/6ad82cc993773d1c-6b/s540x810/7483b6122e07509928e296abf83270004fbc91a5.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/37e12a7f8bfe99795723d4aabd727b19/6ad82cc993773d1c-f2/s540x810/0bc4040c3b4dd10cd16f12279eccda53fec276c4.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/bf428747973ac75ccdb49d95750fabdc/6ad82cc993773d1c-d1/s540x810/ea777c0c31f9bda6c49a7e58b7b9ceb4cb8a36a1.jpg)
Jacket!!!! Ye olde varsity I got at the very beginning of my transition thinking "Oh fuck yes I am going to pass so hard in this" and. Well. It never worked I just have never passed a day in my life I don't think 😔 Eventually it just became a beloved test subject and has since gone through a bit of a transition itself LMFAOO
Some Notes:
> A lot of the decorations are taken from old backpacks I loved dearly that got absolutely fucking destroyed by the weight of all the shit I'd lug around in highschool LMFAO (sketchbook, diary, all kinds of notebooks...). Never had the heart to get rid of them. Specifically: The pink zippers, the holographic pockets, the glow in the dark stars, and the holo angel wings!
> The pink/blue checkers are from a small decorative quilt I thrifted years ago, I wouldn't be surprised if it was handmade (it's super soft material, btw! Important LMAO). I only took out one line of squares, I plan on stitching the rest of it back together (haven't done it yet though LMFAO). The reason for this was to upsize the jacket, so I can button it without it clinging. The pockets were added for funsies ESP cause it lined up very well and aren't really practical LMFAO (BUT YOU CAN PUT THINGS IN THEM! If you want!! 🎉🎉🎉)
> The patches (esp the name/pronouns one) were the first additions actually. Eventually more and more things were added, but I will say all the pins on the opposite side of the patches were haphazardly placed for a concert I VERY BADLY wanted to look good for LMFAOO (that's when the stars were added too! Fighting for my life on the car ride over speedrunning sewing and trying not to throw up about it AHAKHSKSHDK)
> Spike placement may be odd and I'd like to add more, but also I do frequently still carry around big heavy backpacks so I have to take that into consideration. Which is also why the wings have been bolted on. Those motherfuckers are NOT going anywhere LMFAO (has a really cool visual effect too!!)
> The material of the jacket itself (sort of a swishy windbreaker fabric) IS ABSOLUTE ASS TO WORK WITH. BY THE FUCKING WAY. IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING. I would NOT recommend it to anybody ESPECIALLY someone who is just starting to fuck around and find out. I literally am just sticking it out bc of the sentimental value this fucker has to me 😭😭😭
This jacket was my first plunge into customization and punk fashion, I didn't have a plan and still don't have one (and I think it kind of shows lmfao). I do worry that it's too soft and cutesy. Kind of the whole point for me, when it came to leaning heavy into punk, was to feel sharper, like I had some bite to me. I might be getting closer, but I think I'm still just kind of a silly guy LMAO. But, I do think in a way, esp as my first project, it represents me well -- where I started, what I loved before the beginning, what I tried desperately to be, what I still wish for, reuniting with the things I loved and embracing them in a brand new context. It's still an ongoing project too! So maybe as I keep growing, it'll grow alongside me, maybe finding that grit I've been striving for along the way.
#the big concert was mcr. btw. and cause it was a stadium no one got to see the glowy stars anyway LMFAOOOOO#for that concert i desperately wanted to have a big piece inspired by house of wolves on the back.#but i have never been able to get it right.#but like. it is actually my favorite mcr song. i REALLY wanted to do something transgender w it too.#like tell me i'm a bad man. i AM a bad man. bad man in the context of the song AND bad man as in. in the eyes of the observer.#i am just doing it poorly. on purpose. fuck with me about it!!!!!#also 'tell me i'm an angel' would compliment the wings as well#but as an artist i find i am way better at cartoons/characters than literally anything else.#ask me to do something cool w fonts/words beyond simply being legible and i'll throw up and cry.#also something i don't want to say outright but feel okay sharing in the tags is Why punk is so important to me#is cause i am just. so sensitive. i always have been.#but in a world that is actively becoming more hostile to exist in as a very visibly queer person#AND as a noticably autistic person too know like i think i have gotten to the point where people notice Something about me#(which. is good. bc autistic masking absolutely fucking ruined me so fucking bad.)#i need to get stronger. tougher. sharper. more dangerous. to exist as i am and to do so so boldy#i need to have the bite to back it up. i still feel like a prey animal but i have teeth i have claws.#going back to my church even for a moment has made me 10% eviler also. inspiring me to be the thing they fear.#so i think once i've rested i'm gonna go back to the drawing board for that transgender house of wolves backpiece.#diy punk#my projects
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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ugh
saw a post with a quote that basically tidily summed up the rebuttal i'd half-started drafting to someone's post about how homosociality in tolkien ~queers amatonormativity~ [spoiler: on the contrary, male homosociality has been engaged in a three-way handshake with both misogynist heterosexuality and amatonormativity for literal millennia, and far from undermining them, more typically serves as essential reinforcement], so i was like, great, now i don't have to actually write that essay, i can just reblog this instead and tag it #tolkien! :)
but then, like a conscientious idiot, i went and dutifully looked up the book it was from, because i think it's irresponsible to cite excerpts whose context you aren't familiar with; and very predictably it turned out to be by a r*dfem and to make all sorts of claims abt so-called 'phallocratic culture' that i dislike, both as a trans person and ally myself and also as a logical thinker who can tell perfectly well from, you know, lived experience of our society that having a penis doesn't in fact confer ready social acceptance, never mind dominance, on people who don't otherwise look or act the part of a Proper Man, because ultimately what we reflexively defer to is a particular vibe, produced by a combination of physique and affect and other things besides, which may imply the presence of a penis but neither actually reveals nor necessitates one…
so like. ugh. probably i'm gonna have to write my own essay after all. :/
#i don't know much about marilyn frye and it doesn't look from a quick google as though she's on par with some of the really nasty t*rfs#but like. you don't have to be vitriolic to still be fundamentally approaching the world in a cissexist way#that gives too much credence to ideas abt Men and Women even as it resents them#like in this essay she comes out with shit like#'women generally have good experiential reason to associate negative values and feelings with penises'#and like. i don't identify as a woman but presumably a r*dfem would class me as a ''''female person'''' so like.#speaking from that classification—can't relate!!#(i mean‚ dgmw‚ i don't want to be dismissive of experiences that were forced‚ or coercive‚ or consensual but painful�� or or or)#(and it's not that i haven't myself had experiences where people were bad about consent with me)#(but personally i would say i associate negative values and feelings with those *people* and their *behavior‚* not with Penises per se.)#and maybe it's just like. that i'm speaking after literally 50 years of gender progress#like frye does in fact concede that a reframed relationship to penises would be an improvement#(''if penises were enjoyed a good deal more and worshipped a great deal less‚ everyone's understanding of… power and of love would change#beyond recognition and much for the better'')#so maybe it's just like. hi that's me! i'm there! enjoying them! :)#but i just feel like. i don't need to be drawing from a well that takes cisheteronormative constructs this much for granted#and thinks the way to escape them is separatism#as if the knife that cuts Women away from Men weren't cutting some of us in half‚ not 2 mention being itself a cisheteronormative construct#but like. the decontextualized quote really was tempting… :/#anyway. some people vent about normal things; i vent about shit like this‚ i guess!
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✨pond theories✨
#I don't have pond theories I have commentary on the latest episode which I got around to watching today#because I was watching gran turismo on sunday (amazing movie) (maybe an even better soundtrack I'm listening to it for the third time today#I just really love kat and thomas's dynamic I'm not saying I ship them I'm just saying they're just really fun to watch together#I know it was unrealistic to expect kat to smash a bottle of rum on thomas what with jacob dying in the background but can you#can you just imagine. if she did. can you imagine how great that would be.#and can you imagine how great it would've been to see him unceremoniously drop her into the ocean like. get drenched idiot.#the way home hallmark#also NOAH we finally got a NAME my word#it's so strange they waited this long to mention it like did I miss it before??#right now he's barely interesting but idk after that scene where they're singing in alice's room#I feel like he might have the potential to be a friend#I just don't want them to make it a ship because good grief do we need it (no)#and not everything has to be a ship#and also girl. alice. you barely know him. why??#alice asking why guys can't just say what they mean is the most relatable thing I've ever heard lol#I think it'd be interesting if nick put the pieces together that his alice and this alice are the same alice#it'd add to the chaos which would be fun#that look elliot gave nick at the fire on the beach was soooo so tired. he's just so tired.#and please WHAT happened at the estate WHAT went down at the party and WHAT happened in the past that elliot's so worried about#the way they're drawing this out is sublime#also how painful this is for kat?? and for del?? but especially kat in this episode?? wild#what a good episode#earl crow ramblings
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Can my likes literally not right now I'm trying to feel like garbage about having to defend my entire art practice in critique today lmfao
#my professor literally called the way i dress “creepy” and told me it “develeopmentally stunts people who can't let go of childish things”#hi i dress very kid core and love lolita fashion and also i literally don't remember a lot of critique#i was really anxious the whole time and literally had to defend like. my entire art practice#we are a VERY fine arts and gallery oriented school#so any time i do things i actually WANT to do it's treated as lesser#and i get dug into SO much during critique meanwhile people who have more “conventional” art just get praised and can get away with going#“i don't know” and “Maybe!” when asked questions while in the same critique i have to defend character design choices and literally#WHY I LIKE VIDEO GAMES fjfbcbdbsbfbbsf. (has nothing to do with my piece btw(#anyways that was a fun critique dnfjdjdjsjff i'm gonna eat a rice bowl and feel like garbage then go to asl fjfbcbxnsf#i would. draw to feel better but i don't. know if i want to even look at csp right now lmfao fjdhxbsbdbsf#on a lighter note the Megalovania did kind of take me out of a spiral i'm doing good now i think#just GOD that was rough lmfao
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Nuh uh uh *shakes my little finger* you will not get me Sonic franchise you will NOT get me invested into all this my dear buddy pal I've always enjoyed seeing you around but I will simply continue being a bystander just watching as it all goes by bcuz I know how it'll go if I actually get into all this
But also if I get bored I might get into it anyways it's mostly just a silly rule I put for myself cuz I know it would be a lot of work to catch up and I would prolly end up wanting to play some of the games if I got into the franchise but I'm not a gamer @ all so
#I say as my blog is primarily Splatoon related#I do play a lotta Splatoon ig but it's just cuz it's easy to pick up and play a few games plus I like the characters and art#I think if I started playing Sonic games it would take a lot longer for me to get thru a game#and if I don't just get thru it all in one night it might take me a while to get thru the game in general#plus how would I play the older games x_x thru an emulator ig but I'm more into official releases of games on their respective console#mostly just cuz it plays better or looks better#and also cuz I want more authentic experiences lmao I know I'm a nerd#anyway I'm just bein silly cuz I'm lookin @ a buncha Sonic stuff#don't even get me started on the comics man I never look @ the comics#and yeah I know One of the comic series is not to be talked about don't worry people make that point very clear lmao#in general tho not much of a comic reader either I enjoy how they look a lot but it's just a lotta work for me to read thru em#cuz I have to analyze like every single drawing and then try and voice the characters in my head#and then also remember wtf I just read#I'm one of those mfs who reads smth and just kinda forgets it the first time lmao#like how exactly does one read all the words in a sentence but literally none of the words stick LMAO#I've seen a few others who are like that tho at least so I know it isn't just me#literally Sonic's VA in Prime was doin that a lot while reading which made me feel very seen I enjoyed it#it's funny tho cuz someone reading to me while I'm also reading it makes it seem to stick a lot lot better#okay well this is getting into a totally different ramble abt the differences in learning I don't think I have enough room#to talk abt all that but like it's smth I did a lot when I was young where I would repeat what ppl wear saying in my head @ the same time#as them talking in order to just really understand what they were saying to me so while reading I gotta make up for it#by reading over it twice so that it sinks into my mind
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been cleaning my dorm for like 4 hours and it somehow does not feel like it has amounted to anything
#i have completed tasks things are better!! where the fuck is my dopamine you bitch#i couldn't deal w a lot of stuff in the way i would normally want to bc im trying to unfuck a LOT of things here#namely the cat piss closet. i have since washed basically everything in there bc they smell like piss#by virtue of sharing air with the piss for possibly weeks (im not bitter im not bitter) but ofc i can't put them#back in the closet bc it still smells like cat piss despite my best efforts#i am. very underequipped for this btw#anyway none of the major things i WANTED to be better are better despite effort (i.e. i wanted to stop living out of my suitcase#but i still can't do that bc the closet is still fucked up. so the scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing the floor and washing clothes#didn't lead to the tangible reward of not kicking my fucking suitcase every morning#and rascal Does Not Like It when im up and moving so a hazard of doing any chores is getting attacked#and oh boy did he#ugh i wanted to clear my weekend i had ASSIGNMENTS. I STILL HAVE ASSIGNMENTS#but thats not super appealing bc again im tired and i feel like dookie doodoo ass#but i don't want to have shit to do over the weekend bc i know my work is probably gonna be affected by my mental health#which is definitely gonna be affected by The Event. i wanna get my shit done before tomorrow afternoon but like. guh#whatever it's fine we roll nonetheless. i could probably get away with skipping another class or two over this anyway#only good thing about this#would be nice to go home and wash my face. shower. etc#anyway. if nobody got me i know kaiji fa.nart as my keyboard background got me 🤝#(chanting) no matter what kind of bad day im having kaiji's having a worse one no matter what kind of day im having kaiji's having a worse#horribly embarrassing moment where a friendly stranger in class saw like 4 kaijis in the margins and was like whos that :3#no it's not a bad thing i was just caught off guard and my drawing's rusty as fuck and whatever. bleh#im trying figure out his design bc im in trauma-bonded love aith him or whatever and#but my ass will NOT look up a reference. in class. and i haven't been drawing out of class bc ive been doing work for class. c'est la vie#wait i never closed that parenthesis. here:)#ech then again maybe i'll want the distraction of work. crossing that bridge when i get to it#after all i can just work ahead if that's the case yk#to explain the closet my roommate stayed in the dorm over winter break and i didn't and at some point in there#roomie's cat pissed on a fallen skirt like crazy. and then that piss was trapped in there for possibly weeks#and im not bitter not even a little that i didn't get an apology from my roommate. but hey don't ask and don't receive ig
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