#i would feel guilty over not being able to reread or rewatch things

[headphonemouse]

Curled up in a fetal position on the floor, deadpan: sometimes I feel as if as a reader I'll never be as close to Kim Dokja as I was during my first read-through. When I was presented with such a stunning fabrication and had little or no reason to doubt his words, or I was doubting them for all the wrong reasons. In actuality they were never his words, or they were but only the ones spoken for his companions to hear, and he was never our narrator. If I read it again will I be able to pay more attention? Will I be able to feel the emotions more strongly? If I read it again will I come across the right interpretation? Understand it better? There is a strong urge to lock myself up in a room and do nothing but read again, read again, hoping to understand it a bit more, but that's not right. There is nothing you can do if you remain only a reader. Maybe I will understand if I live a bit longer and build up more history, collect more stories. Maybe the stories I collect will be too different from this one and work against it

[2amtechnicolor]

We Need To Talk About Mahiru

Mahiru's second Trial is out and oh my god she just jumped up on my faves list. I love analyzing the MVs from different perspectives so I thought I'd give my 2 cents on Mahiru's character.

My vote: INNOCENT

The first thing I really feel the need to bring up is that people tend to ignore that Mahiru is actually very intelligent. There's multiple kinds of intelligence, and while she might not be "traditionally" smart in the linguistic sense, she's incredibly emotionally intelligent. She's a master of empathy and mood making and is an incredibly charming talker to the point you don't realize she's completely controlling the conversation. That being said, I genuinely don't think she uses her intelligence for malicious gains.

One of the theories going around with her first MV was that she was overbearing to the point of being abusive, while being oblivious to her own toxicity. Now after rereading and rewatching, I'm inclined to disagree. Her love may be seen as overbearing to some but we have not seen any explicit bad behavior towards her boyfriend. (Contrast with someone like Muu, who was revealed to have bullied as much as she was bullied herself). In my unpopular opinion, I genuinely think Mahiru was in a "healthy" relationship, at least on the surface.

[TW for discussions of death, murder, and fictional depictions of suicide]

[Side Note: One of the sticking points people have while saying "Mahiru was toxic" is that "Mahiru's relationship only lasted 16 days" which is blatantly not true when you check the translations for MV1. Day 1 takes place during college finals (mid-March-ish in JPN), Day 7 explicitly takes place in the summer, and Day 15 is New Year's Day (January). Mahiru's affection towards her boyfriend lasted almost a year, and they dated for around 6 months-ish during that. The "16 Day Memorial" isn't about a period of 16 days, it's about 16 days over the course of their relationship where she was explicitly making moves towards her boyfriend.]

I need you to take a real hard look at how Mahiru talks about "love" and "being in love." More specifically, when she talks about the concept of "love," she often brings up the action of "loving/showing love" in her explanation. Never once have I heard her say "My boyfriend loved me." or "This is what my boyfriend did for me." The focus is all on her actions towards the boyfriend. And I genuinely think she was a sweet girlfriend! She loved trying his hobbies and cooking his favorite foods and going to his favorite spots. She was sweet, and kind, and playful, and maybe just a bit clingy. But she was never jealous or possessive.

Es: I see. So, you became a murderer as a result of some relationship conflicts? Jealousy… Grudges… Having your partner stolen from you… Those stories aren’t all that uncommon now are they?

Mahiru: You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place!

She explicitly states that her crime was not based off of negative feelings towards her boyfriend, but she still takes responsibility for what happened. Compare that to Fuuta, who, despite his own feelings of guilt, continually verbally denied that he had anything to do with his victim's death. Mahiru not only takes explicit responsibility, but also pins her "love" as his cause of death, to the point where if she was voted guilty, she would never try to love anyone again. Without "loving" anyone, she has no reason to live.

"To not forgive me means to take the act of loving away from me. That’s the same as not being alive. It’s the same as not being able to drink water or breathe."

It's interesting the way she compares basic needs to "the act of loving". Not the concept of "love" itself, but the act of showing someone love. If she is not allowed to show someone love, to her it's like suffocating, like dying of thirst, or maybe...dying of starvation?

Mahiru in her second MV may be dirty and barefoot with torn clothes, but the one thing she is not is starving. You could argue that "perhaps it doesn't show," but when compared to her boyfriend...

She's incredibly healthy.

And of course she's healthy! Her lovely boyfriend's been feeding her those bites of cake! So is the cake "love" then? But if the cake is love, why is her boyfriend, the one whose being "smothered," the one starving?

Feeding the cake doesn't represent "love." Feeding the cake also doesn't represent "the act of loving." Feeding the cake represents the boyfriend letting Mahiru "love" him. Does that make sense?

The boyfriend lets himself be vulnerable, he feeds pieces of himself to Mahiru for her to "love." But yet, he himself is starving.

...Have you even noticed Mahiru hates talking about herself?

It's evident from her first interrogation. Es can barely get two words in before Mahiru interrupts them to ask them questions about themselves or to offer her own advice to problems she thinks Es may be having.

Es: Oh… yeah. Uh… I apologise for that.

Mahiru: Did you zone out just then? This job must be pretty difficult, so you might be mentally burned out from work. Herbal tea’s good for that, you know? Oh! Like ginkgo tea—they say it helps improve brain function.

Es: Oh, is that so? I’ll try a bit then… I mean, no! Enough about me.

Compared to one of the few times Es gets a question in:

Es: I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, but… Being in love and loving someone—are they really that important?

Mahiru: They are.

Es: Hm.

Mahiru: They are… More so than anything else.

When reflected back to her, her answered become short and vague. Her voice grows soft and shy. She avoids questions, especially questions about difficult topics, not because she doesn't understand the gravity of them (like Haruka) but because she does. Like I said at the top, she's incredibly emotionally intelligent. She was beaten nearly to death because Kotoko decided to be Es's "fang", and yet she still empathizes with them. She still makes a strong attempt to see their point of view, and even to encourage Es to keep working hard. Compared to the other attacked prisoner we've seen, Fuuta, who blames and grovels for forgiveness, these responses are like night and day.

But what do we know about Mahiru, really?

She's 22

She's a university student

She likes romantic novels, comic, and dramas

She loves love. [But she's not obsessed with being loved. Haruka is obsessed with being loved, Haruka wants to be loved and taken care of, Haruka killed out of jealousy and for attention because he didn't feel loved enough. We never get that from Mahiru.]

Everything else we know about Mahiru? Is for other people.

Her favorite hobbies? Whatever her partner is doing.

Her fashion sense? Whatever will catch her partner's eye.

Her favorite food? Well, as long her partner cooks it, anything's her favorite!

The only time we ever get a sense of her and her boyfriend possibly disagreeing on something is Day 14 in MV1. Mahiru wants to see a French film and begs her boyfriend to take her. This is odd, because just a few scenes ago, she was bragging about how their tastes in films perfectly line up. If their tastes are the same, why would she have to beg him to take her to see this one?

Mahiru, like Yuno, is hiding behind a facade. But unlike Yuno, Mahiru doesn't have a strong core underneath her mirroring. Yuno can drop her "nice girl" act and she still has strong opinions and feelings and acts accordingly. Mahiru, when you try to go behind her mask, clams up, redirects, searches for a way out.

So. Back to cake.

The boyfriend feeds pieces of himself to Mahiru. He makes himself vulnerable, he lets her in, lets her care for him, lets her "love" him.

But Mahiru? She never feeds him until the very end, and even then, her "cake" isn't anything edible.

She's not stupid. She knows she can't give him what he really wants: any sort of vulnerability.

Their relationship is one-sided, but not because Mahiru is toxic or the boyfriend is apathetic. Their relationship is one sided because that's how Mahiru wants it to be. She wants to be the perfect girlfriend, because, if we're being honest, Mahiru doesn't like herself very much.

Why else would she hate talking about herself? She clearly loves to chat.

She puts her all into everything...as long as it's for someone besides her.

She will outright ignore her own pain and suffering, her own emotions, because she doesn't want to make anyone else upset.

Mahiru: Sorry… for making you worry. I’m fine! It doesn’t hurt at all.

Es: It’s a horrible injury. There’s no way it doesn’t hurt.

Mahiru: It doesn’t!

So why did her boyfriend die?

Mahiru's very good at hiding her emotions. If she slipped up and her boyfriend realized and noticed how she refused to love herself, it could cause friction in their otherwise perfect relationship.

Maybe Mahiru was the one who wanted to die in the woods, and her boyfriend, starved for any sort of real connection to her, found her at the last moment? Maybe her mental health dragged his down with her.

Mahiru's incredibly complex and tragic and endlessly relatable. She only loves too much because she can't love herself. If she's truly unforgivable, and she keeps her promise to stay alone...what's stopping her from killing the only thing she hates most?

[when-we-drive-away-in-secret]

alright, so this is a question about netflix series which i've recently watched and now i'm suffering from asoue brainrot. there is an obscure moment in the penultimate peril (s3ep6) where frank locks olaf in the closet before the trial, and just as frank is about to close the door, olaf says, "one last thing", as if intending to say something. what do you think he wanted to add? is it something that is maybe more clear in the books?

OKAY so after rewatching that scene (several times) and rereading the corresponding scene in the book, I now feel at least partially equipped to answer this question! (But please bear with me because my research did send me on a bit of a tangent)

So first off, I don't think dealing with the book scene will be of too much help here (although not entirely unhelpful, either), because, as much as I love the netflix adaptation—and I do wholeheartedly adore it—it changes so much that the comparable scene is functionally unrecognisable in several key aspects. The main one being the lack of hostility towards to Baudelaires—Olaf is solidly isolated and supposedly running out of options at this point in the show, whereas his mentality in the books is entirely different because things appear to be going much more his way. He has a crowd at his back and the Baudelaires are seen as far more guilty, which doesn't really translate into the show!verse at all.

So, if we're looking at the show from a more isolated standpoint, I had to consider the possibility that it was a deliberate "what if" moment, without having anything else planned to say, purely for the purpose of getting in the Baudelaires' heads. However, I do feel like the most likely answer is that Olaf did in fact believe he would be heard out, so that's what we'll be assuming from here on out.

The fact that the Denouement in question calls him "buddy" and yet treats him roughly could have made him believe that this is Ernest playing the long con—pretending to be an ally to the others because they were outnumbered at the time, or simply for his own ends. However, he could also genuinely believe that it's Frank, and that he'd be heard out because it's the "noble" thing to do—VFD and the general society in the snicketverse is routinely governed by politeness over logic, and so cutting him off is simply impolite, so he may have believed he'd be able to talk his way out of being locked up. The use of "buddy" could be a generic, positive moniker used by Frank, or a genuine sentiment expressed by Ernest; the rough shake of his arm could be simply how Ernest behaves on any given day, or genuine righteous anger from Frank—just as it's impossible for us as the audience to be sure, Olaf has to try and figure this out in mere moments.

Regardless of what he thought would happen or who he thought he was talking to, though, I have to believe that whatever he was going to say would have been targeted more at the Baudelaires than the Denouement currently getting in his way, so it would likely have been an extension of what he'd already said, and what he'd go on to say at key moments for the remainder of the series—another attack on the Baudelaire parents, a critique of VFD's intentions, or something equally ambiguous to sow the seeds of mistrust in the minds of the children. Despite his general demeanour, he is actually a terrifyingly capable villain, and the human embodiment of the "either I'm god, or truth is relative" soundbite. If he's allowed to talk for long enough, he can convince just about anyone of anything (which is exactly what happens when he takes the stand during the trial), and I wouldn't be surprised if he was expecting to be allowed to run his mouth until both the adults are on his side.

What I think is a very interesting point to consider, though, is one useful comparison from the books—the number of the room he's sent to. As we all know, the rooms in the Hotel Denouement are arranged according to the Dewey Decimal System, and people are categorised above just as the records are categorised below. In the book, the Baudelaires are confined to room 121, and Olaf is locked in room 165 to await their trial. In the Dewey Decimal System, 121 refers to Epistemology—the theory of knowledge. A quote taken from the wikipedia page for epistemology reads:

Epistemology asks questions such as: "What is knowledge?", "How is knowledge acquired?", and "What do people know?"

Having the Baudelaires placed here shows that they aren't sure what people know about them, or what will be revealed at the trial, or what will happen to them (as clearly illustrated by the their conversation at the end of chapter ten). Olaf, however, is placed in room 165: Fallacies and Sources of Error. This could imply that he's in the wrong, but perhaps more likely foreshadows that other people are wrong about him. He will not go to prison, he will not be convicted, and, perhaps most crucially, he is not as completely evil as the Baudelaires believe. He has done terrible things, and he is a terrible person, but—as discussed during The End—they are wrong about the most crucial of his evil deeds (to them). Because he didn't kill their parents. He represents everything that VFD pretends it isn't, but at this point the Baudelaires believe (and have been told) that he is the complete antithesis of what the Volunteers represent—and so, he is categorised as a source of error.

However, in the show, both parties are placed in entirely different rooms, and therefore entirely different categorisations. The Baudelaires are placed in room 342: Constitutional and Administitive Law. This is a choice I absolutely adore, because at this point in the narrative they are quite literally trapped in bureaucracy. They fail because the system is rigged, and they are literally imprisoned by the law—not in the sense that they have already been convicted, but in the sense that they will be no matter what they do. If they stay, the High Court will pronounce them guilty. But, when they run, they're supposedly only proving their own guilt—damned if they don't, and damned if they do.

Olaf's is perhaps the more interesting change, though, because he's no longer seen as a source of error—despite the claims he makes about the Baudelaire parents and VFD immediately before being locked up (once again implying that he isn't lying to them, just using convenient truths). And it carries through to the trial, because he uses the truth (albeit a very deliberately and pointedly edited version) to make the Baudelaires seem just as guilty as he is. In the show, he's placed in room 170: Ethics (moral philosophy). And he is given the chance to talk at the trial, and talk he does. He twists the truth, spins it so that the Baudelaires seem guilty, but that is the exact point of moral debate! He trolley-problemed his way into screwing with the Baudelaires' heads, not because he needed to (he knew he was never getting convicted, because he knew who was on the High Court), but to prove a goddamn point. Yes, he's done terrible things, but did anyone think to ask him why? Of course, to us, the reader, the viewer, the third party observer, it doesn't matter. Because at a certain point, actions speak for themselves. Reasons can explain, but not necessarily excuse—that is the reasonable stance to take, and no matter his reasons, the explanation will never be an excuse for him.

But he's an actor. That's why Klaus calls him up to the stand in the trial, because he knows he'll want to talk in front of an audience, and can't imagine any way he wouldn't incriminate himself. And despite the Baudelaires' personal opinions of his ability, we've seen time and time again that he must be a good actor, because people always believe his performances. And as any good actor could tell you, it's crucial to be able to read your audience. If you want the best reaction, then you need to work out, as quickly as humanly possible, how they'll respond, and play up or tone down your performance accordingly. And he's spent so much time with VFD, with the Baudelaires, that he knows just what to say. He knows that, regardless of their reasons, they will feel guilty—in both the book and the show, they question if they're not just as bad as him! They did what they did to survive, and they genuinely worry that they're the same as the murderous, fortune-hungry beast that's been hunting them through their grief and fear. And he knows that. He wants to get in their heads, maybe just for fun, but mostly to get them to come to him. And the worst part is that it bloody works! They end up escaping with him, burning the hotel and potentially letting him out into the world, turning away from the good-hearted people trying to help them because if they can't trust anyone to be on their side, at least they can trust him not to be.

All this to say that, looking at his character, the writing of the show and the way the events unfold, while I can't give you a verbatim quote of what I think he would have said, I will say this: I wholeheartedly believe it would have been a short, targeted line to the Baudelaires, attacking them, their belief system, their very moral character. Because he didn't know he'd be allowed to speak at the trial—remember, it was only Klaus' fear and paranoia that put him on the stand in the first place—and as far as he knew, that could have been his last chance to ensure they'd come to him. He wasn't sure his previous words had been enough, and we all know he has a flair for the dramatic. Think back to one of the most chilling moments of the entire series, both in the book and show, at the end of the Bad Beginning. When the lights go out and he makes his escape, the Baudelaires would have still lived in fear of him, knowing he was on the loose, but that wasn't enough. He risked capture, risked losing his window of escape, all to torment Violet one last time; to plant that final seed of paranoia and fear into her mind, to whisper threats in the dark. And I have no doubt that, had he been given the chance, that is precisely what he would have done here.

By cutting him off, the Denouement gave the Baudelaires hope; hope that it might be different, hope that people wouldn't listen to him this time. But after all they'd been through, they couldn't risk not letting him talk—everyone always listens to him, in the end, and they had to make sure that everyone would finally believe them instead. And that very act of cutting him off, of not letting him give that final threat, is perhaps what sealed their fates. If Olaf's threat was fresh in their minds, they might have been too fearful to address him. If, like in the books, he'd eluded to his acquaintance with the High Court, they might have known what would happen. But he didn't get the chance, and neither did they.

[tomhardysteeth]

u wanna say anything for spn ending? Today's their last day of filming

Yeah sure! I love how you worded this ask, it makes me want to give a very serious answer. I’ve been rewatching random episodes the past few days and thinking about how much of my life was shaped by this random lil tv show, both positively and negatively, so here we go. 

I started watching Supernatural during my junior year of college, when I was grappling with being gay and religious, and had a pseudo-girlfriend who was emotionally abusive. I remember I started watching the show because I had been on tumblr for a while and thought, well this is a popular show on tumblr and looks like something I’d enjoy, so I might as well try it. I remember barely paying attention to the first season and thinking it was kind of silly, and I distinctly remember making fun of it right up until the season 1 finale when that truck slammed into the Impala and I said oh.

I remember sitting in the dining hall between classes, hiding in a corner with my pink headphones and my laptop, watching one episode after the other, completely consumed by it. My personal life was a mess at the time and I was angry and sad and frustrated, but I could forget about everything for a little while when I watched spn. I remember falling in love with Dean Winchester, season 3, when Sam gave him the amulet. 

Because I had already spent a lot of time on tumblr, I knew about Castiel. I couldn’t wait to get to season 4, the anticipation killed me. I didn’t really have a choice in shipping destiel, I literally shipped it before I even watched a single episode of the show lol. My first time watching seasons 4 and 5, I remember how mad I would feel every time the opening credits scrolled at the bottom of the screen and Misha Collins wasn’t listed. I cared about almost nothing but Dean and Cas interacting with each other. I was totally enamored by them, by their potential. At some point I got over that and watched the show because I liked the show, but boy did my heart and brain break for destiel. 

I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. I started coming out to more people, including people involved in the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved in, and it was very very hard. It was 2013. The first episode of Supernatural I watched live was the episode where Dean turns into a fucking dog. 

I don’t remember when I started reading fanfic, and I had no idea how to read fanfic. A friend invited me to ao3, what is ao3? I didn’t know. I used my email address as my username. I read Twist and Shout and Pie Without Plot and other very popular fics that I knew about because everybody knew about them. I vividly remember the first fics I read because I was 21 years old and had never had an orgasm in my life and believed sex was sinful and so when the sex scenes in fics turned me on, I felt guilty about it. 

I quickly got over that and started writing explicit destiel fanfic. 

I still had no idea what I was doing. I know the very first fic I ever wrote was a mess, I’ve completely erased all traces of it, but other than that I began posting with abandon. Pretty much everything I’ve ever written for spn is still on tumblr and/or ao3. I was running a Hannibal blog at the time and started posting more Supernatural content than Hannibal content, so I created a sideblog, @deancasheadcanons​, and things very quickly got out of hand after that.

I was depressed, I was confused, I was spending my last couple years of college trying to figure out my sexuality, trying to hold onto a religion that was rejecting who I was becoming, trying to find my identity while picking a career path and being sad and being pulled in a hundred different directions. Sometimes I was working three jobs at once, on top of 17-credit-hour semesters. I was getting a degree in a field I did not care about, and I spent every class reading and writing fanfic, scrolling through tumblr, making internet friends, letting my life be consumed by Supernatural. I projected myself completely onto Dean Winchester and partially onto Castiel and did not even realize it. 

I started dressing like Dean, and my sister and brother-in-law noticed and assumed I was gay. They were extremely unsubtle in their attempts at getting me to come out by pointing out the flannel and army jackets, and I did not have it in me to admit to them that I was dressing like a fictional character, but I DID tell them I was bisexual. 

I went to therapy every week during my senior year of college, and I was embarrassed about how often I talked about my “internet life,” as I called it. I remember having the arbitrary goal of getting 1,000 kudos on a fanfic, and I remember the day it happened for the first time and I remember going to therapy that week and saying that I didn’t feel any different, that I thought getting attention for my writing would make me feel better, somehow, but I still felt the same, and my therapist asked me if I would still be writing if I was the only one who got anything out of it and I said yes. But I was still obsessed with writing things that were meaningful, and despite the fact that I would receive 10 negative/mean anons per day, I never turned anon off because I desperately wanted people to tell me that my writing meant something to them, that it mattered to them. I was fighting with myself every day over my sexuality and my identity and my purpose, and I put all of that on the shoulders of Dean and Cas. 

There was also chubby!dean. I had lived my entire life with this inexplicable thing, this shame that I knew I could not share, that I knew I would just have to suffer with for my whole life, and then I joined the spn fandom and found that there were others like me, others that had a fetish and had similar experiences as I did and were drawn to Dean Winchester because there’s no other character that could make eating and gaining weight be as enticing as he makes it (in fanfic). For the first time in my life I had a community of people that I could relate to about a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to talk about with anyone in my life. I don’t remember if I consciously chose to start posting publicly about it, but at some point I did, and I started writing kink fic, but I was still so uncomfortable with myself and so scared of the things I felt, and I tried so hard to temper myself and not offend anyone and not go “too far” and not be too weird and I was so sexually repressed and pent up and full of guilt and shame, and so now when I go back and reread some of the stuff I wrote it feels like reopening an old wound and letting myself bleed out. 

I was constantly comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn’t getting as much attention as so-and-so, and I always made excuses about how maybe my writing was too weird and I was too much and maybe I just wasn’t good enough and I hated myself and wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, but also I’m awesome and receive a lot of attention and get a lot of good feedback but maybe that means I’m just a narcissist! I acted like an asshole online and justified it by saying it wasn’t really me, that I could be someone totally different on tumblr than the person I was in “real life,” but in hindsight, now when I think back on my early 20s, I cannot separate what I was doing in “real life” from what I was doing in the spn fandom. I shared so much of myself with the spn fandom without even recognizing that that’s what I was doing. 

And I made mistakes, god I made mistakes, and I tried to be so careful about everything I said but I was also presenting a certain version of myself to the spn fandom so that people would like me (for instance: running a destiel blog and trying my best to hide the fact that I also ship wincest) and still I got in trouble constantly, and I grew bitter and mean because you can only receive the “when are you posting the next chapter?” comment so many times before you want to bang your head into a wall. I became defensive and unkind, afraid to check my inbox because it was a nightmare, and yet unable to turn off anon because, like I said, I desperately needed that feedback, I needed people to tell me that they felt what I felt, that they understood what I was writing and why I was writing it.

I expected Supernatural to give me everything I needed. I fantasized about Dean Winchester being canonically bisexual because I thought it would confirm something in me, that it would somehow make my life a little bit easier. I didn’t want to watch other shows that could maybe help me, I wanted Supernatural to do things for me that it had never promised and would never deliver, and it’s because I was defined by it for so many years. Now that I’m back on tumblr, I’ve been going back through some of my old posts on deancasheadcanons and it’s like reading a stranger’s words. Even so, I find myself telling people “I was deancasheadcanons” instead of “I ran a sideblog called deancasheadcanons” because it really was such a huge part of my identity. What’s wild is that every time I’ve tried to explain it to someone in real life, they just look at me like I’m not making any sense. 

It was easy to stop watching Supernatural. I didn’t have cable, and I had been driving to my dad and stepmom’s house each week and watching it on their tv after they had gone to bed. I was in a new relationship with a woman I nearly married, I was back in school for a new career, I was working full time and absolutely did not have time to continue writing fanfic as prolifically as I had done for so many years. I finally reached a breaking point in 2017 and haven’t watched any new episodes since then (I don’t remember the last episode I saw). But now, as I rewatch some old episodes, it is easy to feel the way I felt the first time I watched the show. It’s easy to see why this campy little heartfelt show was a lifeline during my formative adult years.

So it turns out I have never reckoned with any of this, have never written it down, hence the 2k jumble of words you see here. And it’s like, I know that a lot of this may seem silly, trivial, especially for a show that in itself is not very serious, but as it comes to an end I have to reflect on it as a person who put so much of my heart, my creativity, my pain and my floundering identity into it. I am somewhat embarrassed and wish I could respond to this ask with a joke instead, but we’re in a pandemic and I live alone and have had way too much time to think and reflect and become a lot more self-aware, and part of that reflection has definitely been about my time in the spn fandom. I remember thinking the show was never going to end, yet here we are at the end and I felt compelled to type all this out with a desire to, I don’t know, get some closure? Convince myself that I was a whole person, that I wasn’t just a faceless URL posting destiel fics into the void, that my real life was not at all disparate from the time I spent online? In any case, I’ll always think fondly of the time I devoted to Supernatural, and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between. Thanks for the nice ask, anon, apparently I needed to get some things off my chest.  

[quintessence-sentimentalist]

quintessence-sentimentalist Takes on 30 Days of W.i.t.c.h.versary!: Week Three

Week Three already! Days 15 through 21 below the cut!

Day 15 Something that needs a quick fix

Ahaha, well, some 99.9% of things that need fixing with this series can’t be completed quickly, so let me just go with the simplest thing that comes to mind:

The uniform color errors.

In both the comic and cartoon, there are color swaps between the top and bottom, with Irma being the most frequent offender (frankly, I only remember Cornelia’s top being purple on the cover of one of the final Ludmoore arc issues, and maaaaaaaybe Hay Lin got a color swap once too, so basically it was all with Irma). I don’t know if it’s because she and Will might look a little similar in black-and-white or something and that’s why there was confusion over whose top is which color (although if that’s the case then why didn’t it happen to Will too?), but it just kept happening throughout the series. It’s even wrong on the official promo art/opening sequence end card for the animated series. 

So yeah. Easiest fix I can think of is to please check which color goes where before inking them in.

Day 16 Something that needs an overhaul

I’m just going to spin the wheel here...

Better executed romantic break-ups/avoidance of shitty break-ups altogether. Consistent lore. All the arcs New Power and beyond. New Power Matt. That one self-indulgent what-if I had about leaving Medina, McTiennan, and Sylla’s memories intact and they basically become the girls’ non-magical mentors and trusted adult figures who help them balance their lives between Guardianship and just being normal girls.

Uh... I can’t choose. 

I’ve talked at length about and reimagined a lot of these before (and will do so again, for sure), and those I haven’t people have discussed much more eloquently than I can. And I’m sure I’m still missing some, so I’m not going to get too deep into this and save that all for inevitable rambles later on.

Day 17 Something that needs to be revisited

The Astral Drops, hands down. Why bother sending them off to live new lives of their own, while pointedly leaving them with magical tattoos that will light up when Kandrakar must call on them, if you’re not going to loop back around to that? Honestly, this is something that should have slid back into the narrative in at least some way before things wrapped up.

Day 18 Something that needs more love from the fandom

It’s going to be too predictable if I start chanting “animated series Matt and Will/Matt” (but really, they do deserve all the love), so let’s go for a different angle this time.

Oh... well, I guess since I was already at it, maybe the animated series itself? 

Alright, look: I was a comics purist for a solid eight years. I watched the show in full and enjoyed particular (largely season 2) parts, but I still had the frequent complaint that it wasn’t a faithful adaptation and didn’t watch it again for years even when I regularly reread the comics. 

But then the English translations of the comic ended, and I was left without any real new material. A couple years later, I was about to go off to college and came across something that reminded me of the cartoon (more on that later on), and I figured what the hell.

It’s still not a perfect or even great adaptation of the comics, and sometimes I still struggle with getting through the first season, but going back to the animated series as a young adult - after years of distance from it and easing up on my rigid stance on comics-only - helped me gain a newfound appreciation for it. The animated series did some things I liked better than in the comics. It had a badass theme song. From a fan creator perspective, I found the cartoon universe a little bit more malleable and full of possibilities than with the comics, partially because it unexpectedly got cut short.

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t necessarily have impeccable taste when it comes to media (I have a guilty pleasure for short-lived and long-forgotten early 00s sci-fi action shows. I unabashedly enjoyed the live-action Birds of Prey series, and that’s even more wildly inaccurate a comic adaptation than the W.i.t.c.h. cartoon). Still, I think about some other animated series that are based on beloved comics/manga but not direct adaptations, and some of those are considered just as good or even better than the originals (and potentially subsequent accurate adaptations). I feel like at the very least, the W.i.t.c.h. animated series could be a guilty pleasure, or even enjoyable AU adventures of the girls as they are in the comics. 

Day 19 Something small but unforgettable

Nothing was immediately coming to mind, but then it hit me. I love that the animated series changed the name of Will’s power to quintessence in the second season. 

In the comics, her powers were a bit of a nebulous space, while the others’ were clearly defined elements. I remember it being called “energy” or “absolute energy,” which... while not wrong, it’s just such a broad term, and frankly is missing some pizzazz to it. It wasn’t even a consistent name, since oftentimes Will just called out for the Heart, and then with New Power it became “the power to unite them” or something (uh... what?). I just think it’s weird to have one of your main characters without a clearly defined - or simply named - ability, unless it’s intentionally vague to allow for various deus ex machinas from the Heart, with Will serving solely as the conduit.

And that’s kind of what happened with the first season too, where Will was honestly only able to activate the Guardians and close portals and had no inherent offensive ability. So season 2 was great in the respect that they actually gave her a power, but then there was that name!

Seriously, quintessence. Even before you really know what it is, it’s a pretty kickass name, right?? It definitely has the mystical quality to it, and the fact that it literally translates as fifth essence/element makes it just too good. Guys, there’s a reason why it’s in my username.

(Well, that and the fact that seeing the word and its definition again after many years reminded me that I should rewatch the animated series, and that was what kicked off my spiral back into W.i.t.c.h. fandom. It did tie into the “sentimentalist” aspect in the end.)

Day 20 Something you’d always come back to

Hmm, I’m a little unclear on the prompt for this one, whether it means something I’ll reread/rewatch, or some idea from the series that just sticks with me. I’m going go with the first interpretation, which I guess also ties in with the second.

Hardly a surprise at this point, but I regularly rewatch the most pivotal episodes of the Shagon arc - those being L is for Loser, M is for Mercy, and S is for Self. I just love seeing Shagon in the forefront as a villain, and how Will knows how to deal with Nerissa in some respect at this point (staying suspicious - maybe a little bit too much - and learning to out-strategize the ex-Keeper), but goes absolutely ballistic and loses her calculating edge whenever she’s facing Shagon on his own. He knows exactly how to needle into her vulnerabilities, and the two of them engaging in emotional warfare is just so good. Watching these always gets me wondering how the fallout from this arc would have gone had we had more time and the series had a different tone (maybe more along the lines of Young Justice, to borrow a different Weisman show), because I’m firmly of the mind that Matt would have some lingering trauma from the experience (which he’s had to put aside to take on a new role and deal with everything else that came after he was freed) and I would have loved to see that play out.

As for the comics, though, I like to loop back around to the girls’ potential futures from issue 50. Their careers just fit them all so well, and the way their designs and friendship evolved into adulthood just felt right to me. They’re all grown up and more sophisticated now, but they don’t simply look like a slightly older version of their Guardian forms, and manage to maintain a semblance of their styles from their young teen days. And even though they’re no longer active Guardians and are busy with their own lives (sometimes in various other places), thus not being in each others’ back pockets anymore, you can tell their bond is holding just as firmly as it was forged back in the day. I vastly prefer this glimpse into the future over the one we’re shown in the post-New Power era, so I like to use it at least as a basis for when I imagine the girls post-Guardianship. 

Day 21 A memorable architectural design

I do love the design of Sheffield Institute. It’s just so elaborate and wildly different than what you’d normally see for a high school, at least from my view and experience. It certainly looks like a place with a rich history, and honestly I think it’s a great parallel to Kandrakar and the castles of Meridian and Arkhanta - not quite as regal or mystical, but still a structure with some elegance.

[shocotate]

002 Pride x Lust please?

Aaa thank you for the ask! :)

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

It was mentioned to me a loooong time ago, but I didn’t like shipping the Homunculi at the time, so I kinda shot it down. I still feel guilty about that ^^;; When I was rewatching the series in 2017, I remembered what my freind said back then and I was like, yeah, why shouldn’t Pride be happy, and the Homunculus most like him in personality and age is Lust, makes sense. I was only planning on writing one fic about them but I decided to stay in the fandom again because writing it was fun :)

My thoughts:

I love it! It’s the OTP after all~ the Homunculi are miserable things, I want them to be happy a little!

What makes me happy about them:

They’re so perfect for each other. As Father’s two oldest children they get to have a long friendship lasting hundreds of years based on their shared devotion, respect for each other and intellect rather than anything physical. Plus the fact that they only got together when they were both over 150 means there’s plenty of time for some mutual pining X3 the slowest burn…

What makes me sad about them:

They have no scenes together, and that Lust dies T-T one day I need to write about that, but it’s just too sad…

Oh, and the fact that Arakawa could swoop in at any time and be time and be like “No they hated each other!” That’d never happen though, right.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

There aren’t any shipping fics, but I will say here that it annoys me when people force 03 Lust’s personality onto manga Lust, when she is nothing like that. I also don’t like that some people write Pride as if he was an actual child, despite being hundreds of years old.

Things I look for in fanfic:

There aren’t any fics, so I can’t be choosy T-T Better go reread my own… ^^; I guess I like fics that play up how inhuman the Homunculi are, using their powers in cool ways, even if it might be mundane in their regular lives :3 plus fluff, or angst, I love it all~

My wishlist:

I’d love to see any fics at all with them, even as just bros. Pride fics are rare, manga Lust fics are rare, so anything of them in a fic together and getting along is insanely rare X3c

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not eachother:

Neither of them would ever lower themselves to be in a relationship with a human, so probably Envy for them both, if the other had been killed, though not straight away. It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship though, so actually it wouldn’t be great! So, er, maybe no one would be better…

My happily ever after for them:

They managed to be together for at least 80 years in my headcanon, because they spent so long oblivious to how they felt, but the only way they’ll be able to live happily together forever is in an AU where Father won. Maybe they’ll finally make it to Xing and subjugate the people into worshiping them, or just move on and explore the whole world. That would be nice :3

Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

They’re kinda both both. Pride doesn’t want to get Lust’s hair in his face, so he almost always chooses to be the little spoon, letting Lust hold his container, while also being the big spoon to her with his shadow.

What is their favorite non-sexual activity:

They love nothing more than huddling up together and reading and talking all night (except maybe killing some people, on Father’s orders of course), either in their library or one of their rooms. Also very rarely Pride will let Lust play with his hair, which he enjoys a lot but is a little embarrassed about admitting.

from this

[agallimaufryofoddments]

What are your top 5 favourite Baccano! light novels?

Oh dear; I knew someone or other would someday ask me to name one or more favorite volumes. It seems that time has come…

When it comes to ‘favorite things’ in series, I’m one to tends to think more in terms of ‘favorite scenes’ (which in turn are influenced by ‘favorite characters’) than ‘favorite installments’. It’s not that I don’t appreciate/delight in plots/narratives, but–well, perhaps one can see how fanfiction appeals to me. Fanfiction deals in specifics: specific scenarios; specific characters; specific tropes. When I want to rewatch/reread something, those ‘somethings’ are usually favorite moments than they are entire episodes or books. 

Well, now. If you’d asked me for just one favorite, I’d have 100% dithered in indecision agony for who knows how long. I’m loathe to pick single favorites. But you didn’t–and you didn’t ask me to pick just three, either, you asked for five–so I ought to be able to come up with some list, ha.

I’ll list them below in no definitive order (I don’t enjoy ranking favorites), though some are more sure than others. I’ve tried to approach this with at least some accounting for the novels as a whole, but I admit the list is still a bit biased towards favorite scenes and characters (in quantity and nature of involvement).

2001 The Children of Bottle

1935-B Dr. Feelgreed

1705 The Ironic Light Orchestra

1934 Alice in Jails: Prison

1932 Drug & The Dominos

I’ll go into the whys under the cut, for length and spoiler purposes. The list is subject to change (not just because 1935-E and 2003 arc aren’t out yet, but because, again, permanency is anathema to me), and I did dither over some of the above entries�� (I still feel guilty over only having one 1700s arc entry up there…hhhgh).

Note: questions like these inevitably leave one–aka me–thinking, “Oh lordy lou, I really should reread xyz novels.” If you missed it, that’s me right now.

Volume 5: 2001 The Children of Bottle

Not one, not two, but three of my top favorite characters get to be protagonists in this novel: Maiza; Elmer; and Nile!

The book itself is an oddity in the series–a single volume arc (and a 2000s-era one no less), with mystery/suspense vibes alongside a pinch of eldritch horror. Narita really likes ‘superstitious insular village or city’ as settings, but this one’s especially insular and out of time and place. And weather. It’s neat!

And, as you might expect, this book has a lot of top tier scenes as far as I’m concerned. Czes and Elmer’s rooftop conversation, Maiza and Nile bantering while they explore the secret passage, Czes and the fireplace, Nile’s speech about injustice to Fil… 

Feldt unleashing these Lovecraftian meat tentacles/scraps toward the end is of course one of the exceptionally odd things about this novel, but it also includes more favorite moments: Elmer throwing up the gasoline, and him and Maiza acting natural while Maiza slits his stomach. Damn.

This novel also introduces the Hive Mind homunculus concept to Baccano!, and hive minds can be pretty neat if done well. 

Volume 19: 1935-B Dr. Feelgreed

This one has a lot of ‘favorite moments’ and ‘things I appreciate’ going on, I admit. For instance, I really appreciate having all three of the surviving pre-1711 immortals appear in a 1930s arc in some form (Dalton; Renee; and Archangelo); even if Dalton’s scenes are from 2003, they provide some semblance of backstory and character perspective.

Heck, even Majeedah is mentioned in this novel! How rare is that?

I do hope that Archangelo’s appearance doesn’t come to nothing, but even if it does…it’s still nice to see all three included.

As for those ‘favorite moments’, we’ve got: Maiza’s ambush; Upham’s return; Victor showing some humanity/vulnerability (when he’s talking with Edward in the hospital); Isaac being injured when he tries to protect Who and You-Know-Who; Keith saving Luck’s life and going after Melvi (so cool! With some extra Keith appreciation from Firo to boot)… 

…Huey meeting Claire, that’s pretty significant. Ah, and it’s not just Upham who’s returned, it’s Roy as well: Upham’s my guy, but honestly it’s so nice to see Roy clean and in a good place compared to where he was in 1932. Others have called it a “quiet success story” among all of Baccano!’s chaos, and I agree. Good for Roy. Ah, and it brings back Alkins. (It also brings back Smith and Mark, but I like Alkins more than I like Smith).

Nader’s lucid nightmare is also a ‘favorite moment’ of mine for sure. The imagery is quite effective; I especially love the idea of the two trains hurtling toward each other. 

Anyways, this novel not only gives us an illustration featuring Upham (and Roy), it also gives us the only LN illustration where Maiza’s eyes are open. Bless. (It also gives us the tattooed contortionist, whose name I sitll really want to know).

This novel also gives us Firo formally meeting Jacuzzi (they’ve seen each other before), though this meeting isn’t as fun given that Firo’s impression of Jacuzzi is, uh, not superb. However, their meeting involves generous amounts of Ronny, for which I am grateful.

Melvi’s last name is revealed for the first time in 1935-B. So: not only do we get Dalton, Renee, and Archangelo, we have the Dormentaire name cropping up. It’s not that 1935-A didn’t already feel ‘big’, but Edward’s line in this LN: “It could be this case goes a lot deeper than we thought” definitely resonates with the volume as a whole.

Right after Melvi’s surname reveal, we get Victor frozen at the sight of Dormentaire ships appearing off the coast. It’s a blast (heh) from the past–and the finally 1700s nail in the 1935 coffin: you really do feel like the waves of the 1700s’ tide are lashing at the 1930s’ shores.

Volume 11: 1705 The Ironic Light Orchestra

I have a confession: I did not fully understand what was going on in this novel on my first couple read-throughs, and even now I have to actively think through the counterfeit + drug situation. However!

Like 2001, 1705′s plot is single-volume and contains some amount of mystery and intrigue. Who is the Mask Maker? Who is behind the counterfeit gold? What is the truth of the Lotto Valentinians, and the Mask Maker murders? 

But while that’s all going on, we get to meet Esperanza (hip hip, hurrah) and Dalton, and oh damn Renee the professor–remember, this novel is immediately succeeding Volume 10, and what happened at the end of Volume 10? Huey met with Renee and called her professor, referring to how he and Elmer were her students. And then he pinned her against the wall, removed her glasses “with almost romantic gentleness,” and dug out her left eye without anesthesia. So we go from that to angsty 15-year-old Huey faffing around in Renee’s classes. What, says the newbie reader, the heck. 

Speaking of teenage protagonists, obviously I love this novel for everything Elmer. Elmer’s scar reveal scene is such a highlight, but so is everything else he does. More on this shortly.

(First, I have to also appreciate 1705 for having Denkurou and Zank’s formal debuts: Both Victor and Denkurou narrated one each of Vol 5′s color inserts, but it only took three volumes for Victor’s formal debut–Denkurou got six! And there’s rebel!Aile aka Maiza. Amazing.)

Anyway, back to Elmer. I’ve said before that 1705′s climax is what delights me most in the book, both for how confused and one-upped Huey is, and how Elmer is the one doing the one-upping. @toushindai has previously remarked on how 1705 deliberately undermines the image we’ve had of Huey thus far (a Correct and Excellent point), so I’ll just say that I appreciate how 1705  really reinforces and affirms the shrewdness we saw of Elmer in 2001.

Volume 8: 1934 Alice in Jails: Prison

I wanted at least one entry on this list to expressly be appreciative of a novel for its whole sake (and have that be a prominent factor, not just ‘boy howdy look at what favorite scenes/characters are in this one”). I said i appreciate 1705′s plot/it and 2001′s mystery…

…but when I thought about novels where I held distinct appreciation not just for singular scenes but how the novel was paced and structured, I kept coming back to Volume 8. Its setup alone is really well done: There’s the epilogue with the mysterious customer (Sham), of course, but the first prologue with Victor and Firo? What a hook! 

Victor may be humorously undermined in that scene, but that’s only after we’re hit with the “he’s Victor the immortal!” reveal and as such know he was sly enough to use a loophole in the first place. Firo’s already in a tight situation..and then the prologue ends with “Ever hear of Alcatraz?”, a ‘cut to black’ one-liner that’s Hollywood worthy.

And the infamous fourth prologue… Isaac’s arrest and everything he does leading up to it (not only recognizing the plainsclothes cops but having the foresight and calm to send Miria away) is just top tier Baccano! content. If you weren’t hooked with Prologue I, chances are this has done the trick.

But the promise/excitement doesn’t end with the prologues. We’ve got Victor’s mystery, i.e. how is Huey communicating w/the outside, and the promise of maybe learning more about Huey himself–whom we’ve met in 1933 but is still an enigmatic figure. Oh yeah, and the setting is Alcatraz. ‘Nuff said.

Of course, this novel is also filled with delicious character interactions. Victor’s relationships with the other 1711 immortals (as with the Elmer-Huey color insert) renews one’s interest in the shared history of these individuals; Ladd meeting Firo and Isaac, Huey meeting all three of them, Miria and Chané bonding are all wonderful and very much the sort of thing Baccano! readers enjoy. Miria having some idea of Ronny’s true nature! Whoah! And you get good individual character stuff too, from Firo’s internal thought processes to…really everything Huey says at any given point.

This novel also contains Victor’s gloriously imaginative rant on Huey, the sort of rant that deserves to be framed and displayed in a museum. 

As the kick-off to a new arc, the novel also does well in setting up intrigue and bigger stakes than ones we’re used to. Huey siccing a suicide bomber (Sham) on Victor, the radio broadcasting that shit’s gone down in Chicago (where this ‘Graham’ person is, and where Miria intends to go), the general idea that Huey’s planning on escaping Alcatraz and conducting experiments in either Chicago or NY… Signs that Nebula is going to be majorly involved again…

So…yeah. The novel is chock full of great scenes and character interactions, but it’s in equal measure a great novel overall. It reels you in with multiple good hooks, and it features Narita kicking the overarching story up a notch.

Volume 4: 1932 Drug & The Dominos

I did dither over this one for a bit, because I have certain reservations with how Narita handles certain sensitive topics, but at the same time, I can’t deny that it like 2001 gives focus to some of my favorite characters–in this case, Keith and Begg.

I adore meeting Kate and getting insight into her and Keith’s relationship, I adore that Keith gets some spotlight in this novel at all; that scene where he puts his gun to Claire’s head and says “we’re all hoods/villains” is so good! 

And Begg….this is his debut in the series, and just with Vol 4 I found him compelling and flawed and tragic. I’d expand on this, but maybe that’s better off for a better post.

The Keith scene I mentioned above is definitely a favorite moment, but it’s not the only one. There’s: Begg and Czes’ reunion; the climactic scene with Begg, Edith, and Roy; the entirety of Gustavo’s confrontation with Luck and Eve; Kate’s talk with Eve and Roy…

…but this novel also has a lot of quiet and/or more minor moments I like as well. I really like that Edith and Lia are friends, just as I like how Tick and Claire are friends; I like Nicola being established as a Badass Normal with his debut; I like that Nicholas and Elean wine and dine with eachother at Alveare. And of course, I like everything to do with Maiza and Begg.

As for ‘meta’ thoughts… In a way, I do appreciate how this novel is probably comes the closest to ordinary ‘classic mafia’ stories than other entries in the series. Of coures the mafia is involved in other arcs, but the most that alchemy or immortality is involved here is through Begg, and nominal at best. This is straightforward mafia rivalries and involved parties. Narita was inspired by gangster flicks, so I think this novel sort of represents Baccano!’s roots as a series. (Even if Narita’s early drafts of Vol 1 did already involve supernatral stuff).

I also like what we get regarding inaction vs action, apathy vs passion (emotions; emotional intensity)…

…Er, it’s entirely possible the generosity I feel towards Vol 4 has much to do with how it was shafted in the anime; I can’t deny that.

I’m pretty sure I could add more bullet points to all five entries, but I swear I wasn’t meant to spend ludicrous amounts of time on what could’ve been just a simple list so… I’ll not bang on.

I do want to emphasize that I did have trouble deciding on some of those entries, and, again, that the list is not set in stone. Picking just one favorite 1935 novel felt a bit unfair, considering that 1935-B is hardly the only 1935 entry to have some of my favorite/top-notch scenes… 1935-A, for instance, has the Ronny-Rosetta scenes (priceless!) AND the Lebreau-Isaac-Miria scene, 1935-C has the amazing Lebreau-Huey conversation… I could go on. 

Similarly, if I had gone on ‘favorite scenes’ alone… Volumes 14 and 16 would have been actual contenders. Volume 14 has one of my favorite bits in the entire series (Upham’s monologue), not to mention Huey-Victor & Rachel-Claire conversations, some Ladd backstory, etc, but as a whole I wouldn’t consider it a favorite. Vol 16 again actually has a lot of individual things I like (the bridge scene; Nicola’s prominence; Carl being a Good Person; Shaft and Tick; bookshop owner cameo)…but as far as plots go, it’s definitely not a contender.

It also feels really weird to have not named one of the 1933 novels, since I love Tick and 1933 is Tick’s time to shine. However, I think it’s probably telling that three of the novels I named work as single-volume stories (2001; 1932; 1705)–it’s easier to ‘favorite’ a novel which isn’t an installment in an arc, isn’t it? It’s certainly easier to consider novels when they sort of work standalone, and I’m sure that has had its influence here. 

(1933 is an arc where my thoughts are definitely more oriented around ‘favorite moments’ than organized by book.)

(Honestly I might just be more secure in not having either 2002 novel on this list than I am about its entries! I actually want to feel more guilty about not seriously considering 2002 for this than I am, but...I’m not? I did feel a bit guilty about not having 1710 on here, but honestly that novel gets so much love as it is that I’m sure it will survive not being on this list.) 

(Really I feel more guilty about poor, poor 1711/Vol 17, which gets so little love. I’m overdue for a full reread of it anyway).

[useyourrwords]

January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

January was…A lot.

This past month has been crazy, to say the least. A lot of highs and a lot of lows but I’m getting through it so that’s something!

January contained so much in such a short time that I still can’t believe it’s over!

        January’s TBR

Guys, I completed not one, but two read-a-thon/challenges this month! For someone who hasn’t participated in any before I count that as a double win!

I participated in the Late-A-Thon hosted by Destiny @ Howling Libraries and JanJamJar from the Devour Your TBR Goodreads group!

  I was able to combine them both by using a TBR jar with the ARCs I wanted to catch up on in it.

So the books I put in my January TBR are all the books I put in the Jar.

I didn’t get all of them but I didn’t expect to.

│The Good Son│

│

│My Name is Victoria│

│

│Skylarks│

│

│Anger is a Gift│

│

│The Unbinding of Mary Reade│

│

│Rad Girls Can│

│

│The Boneless Mercies│

│

│What If It’s Us│

│

│Girls of Paper and Fire│

│

     Read

Emoji order – format-representation-challenges/readathons-reading status.

The TBR Jar really worked in my favour! And it was great catching up on so many ARCS!

Each book I pulled out came at the right time and I think I might continue with the Jar until I’ve caught up on the ARC’s I have left from 2018.

│The Unbinding of Mary Reade│

│

│

│

│★★│Read Jan 8│

This one was fairly disappointing. I wanted a whole lot more than it had to give.

│My Name is Victoria│Lucy Worsley│

│

│

│

│★★★│Read Jan 11│

I actually really liked the twist in this but god damn was most of it boring.

│The Good Son│You-Jeong Jeong│

│

│

│

│★★★│Read Jan 25│

I—this just wasn’t great and it mostly just made me angry. 

│Unbroken│Marieke Nijkamp│

│

│

│

I nearly finished this before the month was up but not quite.

│The Boneless Mercies│April Genevieve Tucholke│

│

│

│

│

This has been decent enough so far but I’m waiting for more.

Book of the Month

│Girls of Paper and Fire│Girls of Paper and Fire #1│Natasha Ngan│

│

│

│

│★★★★│Read Jan 21│

I loved it! It was so engaging for the most part!

│January Completed│ARC: 4│Owned: 0│Library Loans: 0│Reread: 0│Diversity: 4│Average Rating: 3★’s│

     Haul

│Vengeful│Villains│VE Schwab│

│

│

Nearly didn’t get this one because I accidentally sent it to the wrong address but I visited my neighbour and I got it!

This was a late Christmas present to myself!

│P.S. I Still Love You│To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before│Jenny Han│

│

│

│Always and Forever, Lara Jean│To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before│Jenny Han│

│

│

These were birthday presents to myself!

Past Grey Reads

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Book Review // Everything Leads To You – A Quite Love Story

 Book Review // The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo – What Do You Mean She’s Not a Real Person???

        Film & TV

I’ve really not watched much at all because I just don’t have time! Or money!

I decided that the season 1 watch I did of Charmed was enough to give me the hit of nostalgia that I needed so I won’t be continuing it again anytime soon! I do want to get around to watching the remake soon though!

January’s TBW

│Mary Queen of Scots│

│

│How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World│

│

│Ralph Breaks the Internet│

│

│Charmed│

│

     Watched

│Mary Queen of Scots│

│2018│

 Josie Rourke│

 Saoirse Ronan, Margot Robbie, Jack Lowden│★★★★★│ Fave Part: Literally all of it, it was so well done. And I loved that they portrayed Mary and Elizabeth as two women pitted against each other by the men around them. 

I won tickets to see this at my local cinema so me and mum went and it was fucking brilliant!

│Hannibal│Season 2│

│2013│

 Bryan Fuller│

 Hugh Dancy, Mads Mikkelsen, Caroline Dhavernas│★★★★│ Fave Part: The fact it’s gotten more and more homoerotic.  

I watched the same four episodes about four times each because I needed a fucking break but was being stubborn.

Also, my coworker had time to rewatch every episode in the time it took me to watch those four properly. She has work AND Uni. I have no idea how she has time to do it???

│Drag Race All Stars│Season 4│

│2012│

 RuPaul│

RuPaul, Michelle Visage│★★★★│ Fave One-liner This Season: “Yeah, well some of us don’t have to force story-lines to get air time” -Farrah Moan.

Valentina has continued to live her full telenovela fantasy and it’s entertaining as fuck.

The judges need to stop sleeping on Naomi because the bitch is turning it out and they’re refusing to take notice… Except for maybe last week….But we don’t talk about that.

Manila is killing it as always and the period gown that she couldn’t wear on the show??? Iconic.

Also, I’m very excited to see Season 11!!!! So many queens that I’m looking forward to seeing!

│Jessica Jones│Season 1│

│2015│

Melissa Rosenberg│

Krysten Ritter, Rachael Taylor, Eka Darville│★★★★│ Fave character: Jessica obvs

I am struggling but only because the only time I have time to watch is when I’m fucking tired and ready for sleep. I’ll get there. 

│Dumplin’│

│2018│

Anne Fletcher│

Danielle Macdonald, Jennifer Aniston, Odeya Rush│★★★★★│ Fave part: The fact Bo didn’t like Will despite her being fat, he thought she was beautiful as is.

This so easily could have been terrible and you literally just have to look to last year to see just how easy it would have been but this was so good and special and respectful and I cried so much while watching it and fucking Ginger Minj was everything and this is everything I wanted Sierra Burgess is a Loser to be and I’m so glad I finally got it.

Also, I have a huge crush on Bex Taylor-Klaus. So there’s that.

│Derry Girls│Season 1│

│2017│

Lisa McGee│

Saoirse-Monica Jackson, Louisa Harland, Nicola Coughlan│★★★★│ Fave character: Orla

This show is so fucking funny. I was struggling not to laugh out loud while my mum was giving someone a massage.

│The Haunting of Hill House│Season 1│

│2018│

Mike Flanagan│

 Michiel Huisman, Carla Gugino, Henry Thomas│★★★★★│ Fave sibling: Theo

This show is brilliant like everyone talked about how good it was but I just didn’t have time and then I put it on one night and didn’t pay any attention to it at all. And then I put it on when I had a self-imposed mental health day and mum watched it with me and it was the best decision I’ve made in 2019 so far, to be honest.

I binged watched it in just three days which is huge for me because I haven’t been able to binge watch anything that isn’t just short 20 minute episodes in short season in months.

Oh, and I want Theo to top me.

     Youtube

I would say I need to stop watching YouTube because I watch so fucking much of it but I watch it while I’m doing other things like eating, doing housework, cooking and blogging. It’s the only way I can watch it without feeling guilty.

│VH1│Meet the Queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 11│The Pit Stop: LaLaPaRUza w/ Katya│The Pit Stop: Jersey Justice ft. Kim Chi│

I am so ready for the new season!!!

Also, I love anything Katya and Trixie do.

And look at Kim Chi’s look, I die.

│Miz Cracker│Review With A Jew│

Review With A Jew has gotten PROFESSIONAL now and I just love Miz Cracker.

│Ladylike│Hot Takes—Jen Reveals Her Unpopular Opinion & Devin Reveals Her Unpopular Opinion│Kristen Goes to Montreal With No Clothes│

I am loving these hot takes because they’re just fun to watch and see the other ladies react as well!

I think the whole trip with no clothes challenge is a brilliant idea!!!

│Lily Marston│My Friends & I Read Your Assumptions About Me│15 Tools That Help My Neck & Back Pain│

I think the assumptions video trend is actually really a good idea because it allows creators to share a little bit more of themselves!

if you have chronic pain you’re gonna want to check out Lily’s video on the tools she uses to get relief!

│Buzzfeed Video│Mom In Progress—We Tried the 7-Day Vegan Challenge│

So in this video, they eat vegan cream cheese on toast with raspberries and it looked so delicious that I wanted to try it with other toppings. So now mum and I are obsessed with cream cheese and pepper smoked salmon on toast and I can’t stop.

Other toppings I’ve tried are;

 Mango and raspberry jam (because raspberries are pricey)

 Salami

 Tomatoes (with salt and loads of pepper)

 Shaved chicken (with salt and loads of pepper)

And next to try is peaches!

│Liza Koshy Too│The videos I never uploaded… until now│Why I took a break│

I love Liza and I love that she’s easing herself back into making videos again and so far I’ve loved them both!

│Chris Klemens│Telling Each Other What to Say to Strangers: Carly and Erin│

You need to watch this just to see Carly speak gibberish which honestly sounds like Simish and really did sound almost like another legit language.

│Sorted Food│Pass It On│

I will never not love this series. It’s YouTube whispers but cooking a meal.

│ElleOfTheMills│My Weight Loss│

I love anytime some talks openly about mental health and Elle is really delivering lately!

     Music

I’ve honestly barely listened to any music this month let alone any new music.

│Camila Cabello│Something’s Gotta Give│Inside Out│In the Dark│

│Madison Beer│Dead│

│The Greatest Showman Reimagined│Never Enough (Kelly Clarkson)│This Is Me (Kesha)│Rewrite the Stars (James Arthur & Anne-Marie)│

     Podcasts

│Race Chaser│

 Alaska Thunderfuck & Willam Belli│★★★★★│

│Sibling Rivalry│

 Bob The Drag Queen & Monet X Change│★★★★★│

│What The Tuck│

 Nicole Byers & Joel Kim Booster│★★★★★│

I don’t know how to not become obsessed with things and apparently, that means listening to all the podcasts to get the backstage Tea on All-Stars 4.

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Blogosphere Highlights

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│ Top Ten: Mystery and Thriller Releases for Q1 2019!│

│Destiny @ Howling Libraries│BEST OF 2018: CONTEMPORARY!│

│Elise @ The Bookish Actress│ANOTHER 2018 FAVE, FINALLY REVIEWED! SAWKILL GIRLS BY CLAIRE LEGRAND│

│May @ Forever And Everly│My Most Anticipated YA Books Releasing January through July ft. a Lot of Asian Fantasies and Diverse Books in General!│

│Ellyn @Allonsythornraxxbooks│ HOW TO GET ON TOP OF YOUR NETGALLEY FEEDBACK RATIO│

│Silvia @Silvia Reads Books│All I Learned About Audiobooks: A Guide│

│Avery @Red Rocket Panda│HOW TO HYPE YOUR FAVOURITE READS│

│Abbiee @Abbiee│WRITING TIPS Transform a Messy Story Idea Into a Strong Outline (in 3 simple steps!)│

│Ilsa @A Whisper of Ink│How the HECK does one receive a physical ARC because I want one?! (I hear your cries and answer all your questions) Welcome to How To Request + Recieve ARCs│

│Simone @Simone and Her Books│My Review Process and Why I Write Reviews│

│Swetlana @The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│16 Blog Post Ideas To Help You Get Through (AT LEAST) A Month Of Blogging│

│Melanie @Mel To The Any│The Top 12 Books I Must Read in 2019│

Past Month In Review

 Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

 Month in Review // November – I Already Hate Christmas

 Month in Review // July, August, September & October – New Post Series!

January’s Goals

 Increase my walk time and maybe go for walks 6 days a week?

 Start doing some floor exercises like crunches.

I need an exercise ball which I have but I don’t know where the pump is and I keep forgetting to ask mum where it is.

 Read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Work out my new blogging schedule

 Start working on my WIP

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

 Fucking relax a bit

 Maybe finish editing all my past posts???

A Month of Mayhem

I spent my birthday out!!! My mum took me to get my hair cut, we did some shopping, she gave me a massage and some Reiki which I needed!!! And then we went to Fasta Pasta for dinner and it was delicious!!! Oh and I even took photos with mum and didn’t feel gross and have a new selfie I took with snapchat with the fox filter and I think it’s v cute!!!

The last few years I’ve always gotten books as presents for my birthday but mum told me I had too many unread books so I had to choose something else…So I chose things for my reading! Because of course.

I got a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so that I can continue to read or blog or write uninterrupted instead of getting distracted every time mum’s massage clients come and go. Except mum keeps forgetting to check if I have them on before she goes to have a full conversation with me. So when I realise she’s doing it I just turn and look at her and she notices the headphones. I’ve taken to moving one of the earphones off my ear when I notice she’s in the living room but I don’t always notice.

My mum also got me my first book sleeve from Etsy! I spent hours finding one I wanted that wasn’t super expensive but good quality! It’s spacey and I love it. It’s great timing since I’m going to be reading more of my owned physical books this year and I don’t want them to get damaged by the three drink bottles in my bag for work YES THREE!!! and two are 1-litre ones and my bag is heavy. I HAVE MY REASONS!!!

I also bought myself far too many animated movies, some books, a curler, some hair products so I can use the curler I have still not used any of it yet shhhh, and a fitbit!!!!

I mean the fitbit was definitely the most needed one for sure because now I can actually track how many steps I’m doing a day and I’ve been doing pretty good! I’m hitting 8000 steps most days and even hit my first 10000 steps on the 16th which was exciting!

I went and did my tax finally and now my tax debt thanks work for not taking the correct amount of tax out for several years! is down to a very manageable amount! So that’s a relief!

My sister brought my nephews around for a visit and nephew 3 nearly got bit by a spider but nephew 2 saved the day! Other than that the visit was good! I love them so much and Nephew 3 is starting to walk!!!

My mum treated me to get my nails done professionally for the first time ever and I love them. My nails look like bullets.

I discovered where I could buy cheap hazelnut syrup for my coffee and then when I went to buy it saw they also have dark chocolate syrup as well so basically I’m just drinking liquid Nutella.

And I have officially been on this blog for a year!!! I’m so thankful for this community and even just this blog being a lifeline and a thing to focus my attention on when things have been shit in my personal life. I’m so glad I can call myself a part of this community and I look forward to many more years being a part of it!

I lost my bank card while doing my food shopping which was not great and very inconvenient since a lot of the parking I pay for work is cheaper booking online! But whatever.

I had a few emotional moments throughout the month but it was mostly just me having a little cry and then moving on.

I visited my other sister which kind of didn’t go great, to begin with. There was a whole thing, I had an anxiety attack and suffered a bout of paranoia and cried a lot but it all worked out in the end.

Once I calmed down we went to get my phone upgraded (this was already the plan) because I am anxious, my mum is busy, and my sister knows a guy that works there so I got well looked after! But then I had to go back another day because they didn’t have the phone that I wanted in stock.

We came back to her house and played Overcooked on the PlayStation which is always fun for us and I was in much better spirits when I left!

Until the next day when I was a mess again.

Look, I’m really great at handling big life-changing things as they’re happening. It’s a trait I inherited from my mum. The whole world as we know it could end and it wouldn’t look like I even knew something had changed.

It’s like my brain will just put the BIG THING in a box and shove it under a few things until I’ve gotten through it and then it’ll bring it out and say “Remember this BIG THING??? Yeah, now you gotta process it. Have fun.” Which is great until there are several BIG THINGS waiting to be processed and then I get hit with them all at once, which happens most of the time.

So then I break down over seemingly small shit. Its very clearly SO MUCH FUN!!!

So basically I spent that whole day crying and anxious and paranoid and had to call my mum to help calm me down and then my new phone was ready to be picked up and I didn’t want to bother my sister to go with me and I knew I needed to do something on my own to prove to myself I’m not totally useless so I went and picked up my phone by myself! Thankfully the hard part was over I am an absolute pushover and will be talked into buying anything even if I don’t want it so I just had to go in, they transferred my stuff over to the new phone and I was done!

It went well, despite the fact that the guy was having difficulty transferring my stuff over but I think he was a little unnerved by how quiet I am in person and especially with people I don’t really know, and I hate being THAT customer so I tend to just sit patiently and try and get my brain to shut up.

He kept commenting on how quiet and patient I was and trying to get me to talk but I hate small talk because I never know what to say. When we were finished he said he hopes I’ll become a regular customer and if I have any problems to come in and he’ll help me out!

I also made an appointment that day to get my mental health plan done so I can go back to seeing my therapist which, clearly, I super need!!!

Oh, and I also even mentioned to someone I know from my last workplace that I’ve been wanting to learn how to play d&d but didn’t have anyone to teach me and she said that if a spot opened up on a campaign she’d let me know!!!!

At the end of the month, I took a mental health day with my mum. We stayed home all day and did the bare minimum and it was so good! I sat and watched the Derry Girls and then mum and I watched half of The Haunting of Hill House and we talked about what anxiety and depression and paranoia sound like in our head and talked a lot about mental health and it was just really lovely even though it was emotional and I cried.

I know it kind of sounds like this month was a bit of a downer but overall it really wasn’t and it also didn’t feel like that. For the most part, I was happy and motivated and got a good amount of reading done and was productive! I even cleaned out my car!

Sometimes it’s easy for me to focus on just the negatives but I have to remind myself that even though I had some downer moments I am nowhere near as consistently down as I was just a few months ago and that’s progress! I just have to keep focusing on my health, both physical and mental and talking to my mum when I’m sad and talking through my feelings. I say that like it’s the easiest thing in the world when I am in fact Queen Of Not Reaching Out.

Past Month Ahead

 Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

 Month Ahead // December – I Already Hate It

 Month Ahead // November – New Post Series

January is done and dusted, bring on February!

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

│Blog│Goodreads│Instagram│Twitter│Tumblr│

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[thehobbem]

Write Me In C Major

So here’s my very first multi-chapter! You can also read it on AO3. Description: Victor Nikiforov has just won his fifth GP and Worlds gold medals and doesn't know where to go from here, but Katsuki Yuuri's music just might give him the inspiration he lacks. (It also doesn't hurt that Yuuri just so happens to be an adorable pole dancer.) Word Count:  4,749

Chris whistled, impressed.

“A new personal best, good for Mila! Think she’ll make the podium again?”

“With that score she has to” Victor answered. “What, you think she won’t?”

“I don’t know, that Crispino girl could give her a run for her money.”

“Hmm, true. She just might be the best jumper among them.”

The two skaters watched as Sara slid gracefully across the ice with a big confident smile on her face and her arms raised as if asking for more applause, which she immediately got from the audience. The whole place hushed into complete silence as she took her position; as soon as the first piano notes began to fill the air, her whole body seemed to ripple. Victor sat up a little straighter, his whole attention transfixed; they could talk about jumps and quads all day, but it was always the little things that caught his attention – the way someone stretched their arm or turned their heads, a clap, a snap, a smile. Sara was in perfect time with the music and every little nuance of the piece was accompanied by a little twist of a leg or a flutter of her hands. Those things could not single-handedly place a skater on a podium, but they did draw you further into their performance. And what was the whole point in performing if not that?

She moves like a sea nymph.

A sea nymph. Where had that come from? Belatedly, he realized the music had suggested it to him: it had such a… watery quality to it. The first notes had been like the gentle trickle of a fountain, but the piano had grown to a crescendo and it was like a waterfall now, note after note falling in cascades and washing over him. It evoked waves crashing against the rocks, only to fall back into a gurgling stream.

And while Sara charmed the world with her mermaid-like movement, Victor visualized a pair of hands flying over the piano keys - one hand clearly not aware of the other, each doing something completely different from the other, each creating a different effect, but both working together to cause a fascinating flood.

Victor caught himself wishing he could’ve skated to that piece.

Where was that piece from? He’d never heard it before. Had Sara commissioned it?

The music dripped into a stop, waking Victor from his trance. He hastily clapped along with everyone else, realizing he hadn’t paid attention to her routine beyond the first minute. It must’ve been very good if the audience’s reaction was anything to go by. It usually was.

The skating season had barely begun, but the wheels in his head were turning towards the next one already. Music that flowed with life. That was exactly what he needed.

***

“Phichit, put down that phone.”

“And how do you expect me to post videos of the final if I put down my phone? Honestly, Yuuri, you shock me. Shock me.”

Yuuri rolled his eyes, trying (and failing) not to smile.

“Have you ever considered… not posting videos of the final? You could just watch the performances, you know.”

“Well, now you’re just being ridiculous.”

Yuuri would’ve taken his argument a step further, pointing out that Phichit would benefit more from actually watching the seasoned skaters rather than filming them – but the whole venue burst into roaring applause and his attention instantly shifted to the ice. His hand grabbed Phichit’s arm with unsuspected strength and the boy winced, but Yuuri paid no attention.

“It’s him,” he whispered reverently.

Victor Nikiforov had just skated onto the ice, smiling and waving at the audience.

Yuuri’s eyes were glued to the skater’s every move. The routine hadn’t even begun yet, and he was already bewitched. When he stopped in the middle of the rink Yuuri could sense the whole world waiting with bated breath, begging Victor to once again captivate them all.

Yuuri already knew the aria and the routine by heart at that point: he’d gone to Osaka just to watch Victor at the NHK Trophy, not to mention he was probably responsible for half of the million views his performance at the Rostelecom Cup had on Youtube. Which was why, as soon as the first verse of Stammi Vicino echoed through the arena, Yuuri could tell there was something different this time: Victor’s face and movements were just as languidly melancholy as before, but as he flowed across the ice Yuuri thought his moves seemed to have a more… fluid quality to them. Like water.

Yuuri beamed with pride, as if he were somehow responsible for this. Only the Living Legend could still make a routine that everyone had already watched countless times feel like something new.

***

“Victor!”

He stopped in his tracks, tired and slightly wary: he’d finally gotten rid of the reporters and all the federation representatives, if he could only reach the locker rooms in peace… He turned nonetheless, practiced smile already on his lips, but to his immense relief all he saw was Sara Crispino smiling at him, bronze medal around her neck.

“Mila said you were looking for me? And hey, congratulations on the gold!”

Even though they’d had very little contact up until now, she hugged him as if they were close friends. He smiled, this time more naturally.

“Thank you, Sara! Congratulations on your medal too! Listen, I wanted to ask you something: I loved the music of your free skate. I mean, I loved the routine as well,” he lied, feeling a bit guilty, “but it’s just that I was wondering where that piece was from.”

“ The Nereid’s Call ? I had it composed for me! I was tired of skating to old ballet pieces, you know.”

Victor nodded, sympathetic. Weren’t they all.

“It was gorgeous! Who came up with the idea of an aquatic theme, you?”

“No, my coach and I were thinking of having something that felt both fresh and classical for my theme this year? So we told him that and he… like, he sat down and watched all of my old routines, back to my junior days, to see what my skating was like. And then he composed The Nereid, and said that was what my skating made him think of.” Then she concluded, blushing slightly, “So the aquatic thing was all his idea, really.”

“Impressive! So who is ‘he’?”

“Oh, sorry! Yuuri Katsuki! You know him, right?”

The name did ring a bell, and he nodded slowly. He’d heard the name being mentioned by other skaters over the past few years – Cao Bin had mentioned him once, if he was not mistaken, and so had Sara’s brother? Jaime Estévez, too, right before retiring. But he’d never paid much attention: Yakov only worked with German and Italian composers and Victor had lazily followed his lead so far.

“I know of him, yes. But I don’t think I’ve ever met him. Do you have his contact?”

“He’s here! And he’s adorable, he even came to wish me and Mickey good luck! He composed Mickey’s short program music last year, so Mickey kinda likes him… Let me see…” she looked around, searching for the composer in the crowd – and as she grabbed Victor’s hand to drag him along, he started to nervously look over his shoulder, expecting Michelle Crispino to angrily pop out of the ground at any moment.

“Look, there! With Celestino and Elena!”

Celestino Cialdini was always a good reference point, standing one head above most everyone else. He and his skater Elena Deschamps, the newest gold medalist for the women, were talking to two young men – a tiny enthusiastic one (a skater, right? He’d definitely seen him before) who was doing most of the talking, and a fashionably dressed one who quietly listened to the others and nodded sometimes.

“Wait here!”

Victor did as she asked, standing close enough to be able to see their faces, but not enough to understand what they said, the noise in the arena still chaotic and everywhere. He saw the quiet man turn to Sara, his face lit up in a warm smile.

Oh.

The expression “cute as a button” flashed in his mind and for the first time he felt he understood its meaning.

But he then watched as his smile faded a little and his cheeks turned pink, and when he glanced at Victor a look of sheer horror crept into his eyes. He shook his head and started backing off slowly, like a little frightened animal, and after a couple more words he practically fled to the exit.

Sara came back, a little crestfallen.

“He said he was in a hurry… places to go and all. But we’ll probably see him tomorrow!”

Victor nodded and gave her his Victor Nikiforov Smile™, distractedly.

Funny, he hadn’t seemed to be in a hurry before seeing Victor.

***

The last group has just entered the arena. All eyes are on Victor Nikiforov, who’s going for his fifth consecutive World Championship gold. He will be skating last.

Yuuri watched Victor on TV, practicing the moves of his free skate on a hallway.

A few months ago he would’ve liked nothing more than to sit next to Minako, watch Victor get the gold again and celebrate. But seeing Victor now just reminded him what an idiot and a failure he was. He walked away.

“Hey, Yuuri! Aren’t you gonna watch it with me?” a tipsy Minako asked.

“Sorry, sensei, I got work to do,” and he disappeared before she could argue with him.

His tiny studio in the back was the only safe place these days, no one ever bothered him there. His parents, Mari, Minako, they all felt like they could barge into his bedroom or when he was at the hot springs at any given time – but not the studio. “He’s working,” they’d say in hushed tones and he’d be left alone. Yuuri had composed precious little since he’d come back home, though. Most of the time his time in the studio was spent just sitting on his old couch, rewatching his last performance or rereading the crushing reviews.

“A flop in every sense of the word”, “amateurish”, “depressing” and “a wretched affair” were some of the bits that had been floating around in his brain for half a year now. Some of the critics had been gracious enough to add “not like his usual self” and remember his past - more successful - performances, but most of them had been merciless.

As if the knot in his stomach and the sting in his eyes hadn’t been enough torture as he’d sat on the piano bench that night. He’d been wearing his lenses as usual but the keys right under his nose had still been a blur, and he’d felt rather than seen his hands shaking. The usual silence that preceded the beginning of a performance had seemed to stretch on and on into eternity, unnaturally, unbearably long. A few murmurs from the crowd. They were all waiting for him and no one else. He’d been this close to throwing up all over the Steinway grand piano.

The first note hit had already been the wrong one, and it hadn’t gotten better as the recital went on. He’d either played too loud, attacking the keys as if they’d personally killed Vicchan, or tried to compensate for it, touching them so lightly they couldn’t even make the sound intended. With every note screwed up he’d imagined what the critics would say the next morning, what his old teachers would think, the comforting, supportive smile his parents would give him, which would only make it worse – they’d say it was okay but it was not . And the more those images swirled around his head, the more notes he missed, in a vicious, cruel cycle.

In the end, he’d still had to stand up and thank the lukewarm applause, which had been one of the most mortifying parts of it all: had it been up to him he would’ve closed the piano and run away from the stage without looking back, but that was not how it was done. The audience had politely played its part, offering him the applause he clearly had not earned, and in his turn he’d stood up and bowed once, before he’d felt they’d both had enough of that charade. He’d walked away as quickly as his last bit of dignity allowed him, hoping his face was not burning as badly as he felt.

And there was that invitation, sitting on the side table and gathering dust. He’d gotten it almost a month before, right after coming back to Hasetsu, but still didn’t have the courage to answer.

He didn’t even know what to answer.

Did he actually want to play in front of an audience again? It had never felt comfortable, Yuuri hated being the center of attention – ironic, considering he’d spent the first half of his life dancing, and the second half making music; both had led him to performing in public, to people who were watching, people who had even paid for it. However, the emotions that shook him to his very core were his. He couldn’t just bare them, so when he danced, when he played, the outside world ceased to exist. He did it for himself, and that was what usually allowed him to perform well.

Until that recital, that is.

Yuuri leaned his head against the piano, closing his eyes: did he truly want to risk going through something like that again?

The answer had to be a resounding “no”, right?

So why hadn’t he answered the invitation yet? Such an easy thing to do.

And an invitation by Minami Kenjirou, too, of all people.

“It’s nothing personal, Katsuki-san, it’s just that Minami-kun’s score suits the movie better. It’s more… alive.”

The director had praised his score in the end, but Yuuri didn’t need empty praise. His music had simply not been good enough, why not just say that? He’d also suggested Yuuri take a vacation, hadn’t he been working non-stop for a few years?

Sure, let’s pretend this has nothing to do with the critics saying my last score was ‘bland’ and ‘generic’, he’d thought at the time, but kept quiet. Yuuri was much too proud to say anything, so he’d just mumbled something about being tired and needing time off.

And none of that was Minami’s fault, really.

Maybe it was the year. It had started with him losing award after award and ended with him running away from Victor Nikiforov who, against all odds, had wanted to meet him.

Him.

Plain, old, mediocre Yuuri.

“He loved The Nereid’s Call and wants to talk to you!”

A decade-old dream coming true in the cruelest possible way. How could he face Victor Nikiforov, a man who’d broken, like, all the records and made history with the same ease a bored barista made coffee? He stood on top of the world while Yuuri was digging his way beyond rock bottom. There was no way he could make a fool of himself in front of Victor, and fleeing from him had been the only available option.

A dull pain in his head made him realize he’d been leaning his forehead against the piano way too hard for way too long, so he sat up and straightened his shoulders.

What did he want to do now ?

Compose? What? He had nothing for the moment. The score the studio had asked for was done (and discarded, but he pushed that thought aside for the moment), as well as the music for Elena Deschamps’ free skate – that had taken quite the while, too. She had a Grand Prix title to defend this year, and Celestino had been particularly demanding. Yuuri had reworked the piece three times. At least this year Phichit would go with Shall We Skate? and Terra Incognita, so he didn’t have to worry about him.

The question came back: what now?

He laid eyes on the single music sheet on top of the piano and felt his face burn. Maybe he could work on that?

The kanji he’d scribbled there formed his own name. That had to be the stupidest working title he’d ever given to a piece. But, well, it was about himself, so. He could think of a better, official title when the piece was done.

If it were ever done.

Because no matter how many times he played it, how much he tinkered with the chord progression or modulated it to a new key, it was still not good. It should be so simple and yet few pieces had given him as much pain as this one. But he’d started it, might as well see it to the end.

***

Maccachin jumped on the couch, tail wagging happily and tongue sticking out, looking at Victor as if inviting him to sit next to her.

“I know, I missed home too”, Victor answered her unspoken comment.

Victor put down his bags in a corner of the living room; he’d left the airport and gone straight to the dog hotel to pick her up. He was exhausted from the flight, but there was no way he’d leave her there for one more night.

She barked and he scratched her behind the ears.

“Sorry, girl, I need a shower first, okay? And then I’ll keep you company.”

He turned on the TV so she’d have the background noise she loved and went for the shower he so desperately needed. When he finally came back, still drying his hair with a towel, Maccachin was quietly chewing her favorite plushie while sprawling on the couch.

“Any room for me there?”

At his motion of sitting she immediately made room for him. In no time, Victor was lying on the couch with Maccachin half under his legs and half on top of him. He wondered if she had any idea of how large she was and smiled at her.

“Forgot to tell you: I got the gold again! Fifth time! You proud of me?”

She licked his hand and wrist for some long seconds, and he took that as a “yes”.

He got his phone out and scrolled through his social media, his mind miles away from the pictures and statuses he was supposed to be liking.

The season was finally over; he had the next two days off (wasn’t Yakov generous), and after that he’d be back at the rink, training for the next one.

Assuming that was what he wanted to do.

But he was just so, so tired.

The problem was not the skating, but rather… the exertion of shedding skin year after year. Every season a new Victor Nikiforov, every season baring his emotions for the world to see - emotions that he, quite frankly, hardly remembered. Every routine a story: of wonder, or pain, love, discovery, bliss, death, and the effort of scraping the barrel of himself to tell stories he barely knew was leaving him emptier by the second.

So what now?

He’d vaguely toyed with the idea of retiring, but had never dared to speak of it, not even to Maccachin. It was not something to be taken lightly – besides, if he ever as much as breathed the word “retire” Yuri would kill him, Yakov would have a heart attack and Victor would get shouted at for days. The mere idea of it all was stressful enough to make him not want to retire till he was 87.

But he could retire if he wanted to.

… Did he?

He still had a few good years of competitive skating in him, and he still loved the feeling of gliding on the ice, landing difficult quads, telling stories and dazzling audiences. He didn’t mind baring his soul for them to see, it was just that he was running out of emotions, with no idea where to find new ones.

He focused on his phone for one second and his train of thought was broken: he’d mechanically liked one of Sara Crispino’s pictures on Instagram, and he pursed his lips. Thank God the season was over and he didn’t have to see Michelle for a half year or he’d never hear the end of it.

He smiled nonetheless: the picture showed the two siblings in front of a cathedral in Florence, and they seemed to be having fun. Sara was as graceful as always, of course. Her free skate was still vivid in his mind, she’d make it to the top of the podium someday. That had been some good skating.

Some great music.

The Nereid’s Call. That piece had enraptured him at the Grand Prix, and again at the European and World Championships. He opened Youtube and looked for it, but the only results “the nereid’s call” yielded were of Sara’s routine, none of the piece itself. He hesitated then, but finally typed “yuuri katsuki” in front of it. Again, the piece was nowhere to be found, maybe he hadn’t released it yet? But there were many results for Yuuri Katsuki, which made sense. Although Victor wasn’t an expert in music, he had the distinct impression The Nereid was a technically difficult piece, so Yuuri was probably good at what he did.

Well, he’d never called, so that was that, he supposed. He was just not interested in Victor – rather, in making music for Victor.

It wasn’t that big of a deal though, right? He could ask signore Scandello to compose for him again, the result was sure to be gorgeous. Stammi Vicino was proof of that.

He glanced at the search results again, and one in particular called his attention.

Yuuri Katsuki New York 2015 performance flop

Victor frowned and clicked on the video. It started with Yuuri, in a tuxedo and with his hair slicked back (looking extremely handsome, he might add), walking onto the stage under considerable applause, though he hardly acknowledged the audience. He collapsed rather than sat on the bench and stood very still for a few seconds, as if he’d been turned into stone; he didn’t even seem to be breathing. A whole minute went by in deafening silence, and the only move he’d made was to weakly rub his knees. At last he seemed to snap back into reality and hastily started to play – and the very first notes just sounded… wrong. Painful, even. Victor’s frown deepened as the piece went on and by the time the video ended with Yuuri hurrying off the stage under polite applause he was this close to having a headache.

That couldn’t possibly be Yuuri.

“If I win this dance-off you’ll skate for me, right?”

Not Banquet Yuuri.

Though it was awfully close to the Yuuri who’d run away from him after the GPF.

The stark difference between the two Yuuri Katsuki versions he’d met had kept Victor baffled for weeks, and now this. Was he the same person who’d composed The Nereid? Or was Victor idealizing the piece (and its composer) by now? Was it really that good?

He went back to the previous search and clicked on the first video of Sara’s free skate, closing his eyes and tuning out the commentators to focus solely on the music. One minute in, though, and he knew he’d been right: that piano solo was every bit as inspiring as he’d felt back in December, the waterfall of sounds every bit as entrancing.

He could associate Banquet Yuuri to The Nereid’s Call (even though breakdancing and pole dancing could hardly be said to walk hand in hand with piano solos), because they were both so alive. More alive than Victor had felt in years. But Recital Yuuri was… wounded.

A quick Google search later and he was skimming through an article:

                        Yuuri Katsuki Review – A Wretched Affair

The Japanese pianist and composer Yuuri Katsuki made his first (and hopefully last) appearance at the Snow Hall Festival. What had been anticipated as an interesting debut at the traditional New York festival turned out to be one of the most deeply unmusical experiences the audience present that night will ever have.

Uncomfortable, he skimmed through the rest:

Awkward… depressing… piano was savagely attacked… truly gruesome… clangorous… falling apart on stage…

Victor stopped, the reviewer was quite ruthless. But right at the end the word “nomination” made Victor sit up a bit straighter (and startle awake a fast asleep Maccachin).

Google. Wikipedia.

He stared.

1 Early Life

2 Career

3 Works

         3.1 Television

         3.2 Theatrical releases

         3.3 Other works

4 Awards

5 Personal Life

6 References

7 External Links

He didn’t bother with “Early Life” and “Personal Life”, only 2 lines long each, going straight to “Career”, “Works” (quite long) and “Awards”, spending more than half an hour clicking on link after link trying to understand.

Then back to Youtube, “yuuri katsuki”. There weren’t many videos of him live performing, but there were many other things to watch and listen to:

Top 10 Katsuki Yuuri Scores [10 videos]

The Flying Palace, composer Yuuri Katsuki [21 videos]

Katsuki Yuuri and Ogino Takeshi at the recording session of Amaterasu’s Cave

A Night of Winters – Katsuki Yuuri (The Flying Palace)

Spice and Candy OP 1 “If You Find” (Katsuki Y.)

EPILOGUE – THE FLYING PALACE (YUURI KATSUKI)

Katsuki Yuuri plays Stammi Vicino

Your Serenade Without Me (Y. Katsuki)

Katsuki Yuuri’s Nighttime and Daybird Score [19 videos]

Wait. No, hold on.

Victor blinked.

Katsuki Yuuri plays Stammi Vicino

He clicked.

Yuuri at the piano in what was most likely his own house – he seemed to be in a living room (maybe?), a long, messy bookcase to his left and a black & white poster of… someone Japanese above the piano.

Victor had already seen Yuuri wearing nothing but boxers and a (god-awful) tie, but even though he was fully clothed here, this was somehow even more intimate, almost invasive. Like waltzing into someone’s bedroom without their permission. He had his hair down, dark sweatpants, a worn-out white t-shirt and no glasses.

This was Domestic Yuuri.

The video began after Yuuri had been playing for a few seconds, and Victor would recognize those notes anywhere anytime. It was his Stammi Vicino (well, technically it was signore Scandello’s). He’d half hoped, half expected that, considering Yuuri was so involved with ice skating music – what he had not expected was to hear Yuuri start singing at anche tu sei stato forse abbandonato. He sang in a low voice, clearly only for himself, as if he could not help it. Victor noticed with a start that there was no music sheet in front of the pianist, he had his eyes closed, playing it by heart. Perfectly. The notes, the low-key singing, the execution, all flawless, but more than that: it was brimming with emotion, the emotion Victor had hoped to emulate in his free skate; infectious emotion, giving him goosebumps right away and even bringing tears to his eyes at ho paura di perderti. Had the song always been this poignant, this disillusioned?

The silence took over Victor’s apartment when the video ended, though the music still echoed loudly in his mind, along with all the Yuuris he’d ever had a glimpse of.

He looked through his contacts until he found the one he needed.

Mila!       21:34

                                                                                  Hi! =D                                                                                         21:34

Listen, do you have Sara Crispino’s contact?                                                                   21:35

                                                                                    Sure! (?)                                                                                          21:35

He didn’t answer the implicit question and waited.

                                                                                Sara                                                                                                                              21:36                                                                                Message       Add to a group

Thanks! <3              21:36

***

Yuuri woke up but didn’t get out of bed right away; he didn’t have anything to do or anywhere to go, so he just stared (squinted) at the ceiling for a while.

Notification sound. He grabbed his glasses and then the phone: Phichit. He smiled a little and answered, but he wouldn’t see it right away, he was probably on his way to the rink, if not there already. Yuuri checked for other messages, Facebook, Instagram (not that he ever posted anything there, but), LINE, e-mail.

He blinked.

Stared.

Rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stared again.

Victor Nikiforov > New music

Incredulous, his eyes dangerously close to popping out of their sockets, he opened the email.

Dear Yuuri:

I hope this finds you well! I was wondering whether we could talk about the possibility of you composing a piece for me to use this next skating season. We could talk over Skype whenever convenient for you.

Sincerely,

Victor Nikiforov