#i would also welcome hearing in the tags who people think will have the worst luck

[unlikablefemaleprotagonist]

Try to predict the dice gods' will on Never Stop Blowing Up...

[amrv-5]

Today (March 13) is (unbelievably) the first birthday of Somewhere to Get To (the first chapter’s post-date, anyway), an anniversary about which I’m still (evidenced by sheer parentheticals-per-sentence rate) trying to decide how to talk (talking about it, by-the-by, because (earnestness…) it is pretty important to me, it turns out, still, one year on. Who could’ve guessed…?). Mostly I’m floored anybody reads the damned thing at all. Long. Absurd reading commitment. Amazing to me people have dedicated some of their time and attention to something I made — and unbelievable to hear on occasion that it’s emotionally connected to people, or impacted them in some way. Such an honor to be party to that sort of connection thru (fan)fiction. Thank you—really!! Wow!!! 

And, speaking of connection (pretty personal, and decidedly earnest, musings on the fic/anniversary/my relationship to both under the cut, avoidable if you’d like, you’ve been warned) — 

Been rereading some of S2G2, idly, sporadically, as I’ve been considering its first post-iversary. What’s coming to me repeatedly, as I read at a year’s distance, is a strong sense of autobiography—not in terms of event, but in tone, in concern, in most of all a very palpable sense of reckoning with the less-than-ideal that runs through the whole thing. There are some plot beats or details I’d do differently today, and I have a hard time continuing to like the things I make after they take on some distance from me, but (if I can say this about my own silly little fan fiction) I think the urgency of the thing, its emotional intensity and clear desire to try to grab hold of Something (hope? a foundation for belief in others? meaningful good?) remains affecting / effective, or does for me, despite my own work typically striking me poorly. 

Long way to say that I’ve found, reading in March 2024, that the thing’s a pretty clear if entirely unintentional record of the things I was thinking about, trying to work into my worldview, trying in some cases to excise from my worldview, things I was looking for or giving in to, and so on, in the months leading up to March 2023. One of those points of concern (transparently) was the strain of loneliness, the value of connection. With a year’s perspective, it’s important to me to say how grateful I am to have found such a welcoming, lovely, friendly, supportive, all-around-brilliant community in the fandom. I owe so much to the kindness and enthusiasm of the wonderfully talented people I’ve met on here, and I can say confidently that a large part of the reason I can read the terrifically lonely thread running through S2G2 and sense a degree of emotional distance from it—still resonant, but not immediate, identically-felt—is because I have made so many friends I value here, who enrich and enliven my days so beautifully…! So thank you all!

And, relatedly: Another central concern of the fic is the difference between happiness and un-sadness, the value and place of each, struggling to help oneself face hard truths and sort of cosmically-ordained and unavoidable suckiness—the repeated stress on how “[t]here were some things a person could fix, and others one had to live with the best they could.” 

Without wading into details (because who cares and also the What is unimportant) 2022 thru 2023 was the worst span of time I’ve ever experienced, what I retrospectively have been internally tagging the Lost Year(s)—have not before or since been so profoundly, uninterruptedly depressed. I wrote S2G2 in a frantic little burst from the bottom of a hole I sort of assumed at the time I would not get out of (dramatic!). And obviously the seductiveness of despair is a big focus in the course of the fic, but I’m struck on re-reading how ironclad the thing’s grip on hope (or hope in hopelessness) is—reassertion, continually, that experiences are worth having, that some things are worth sticking around for, and so on.

A year on, I’ve by no means solved the problem or perfected the art of balancing That Which Can Be Fixed against That Which Must Be Lived With, but I can say that the Living With is lately going comparatively so well most days it has not been the Central, All-Consuming Concern of Every Waking Moment—living with, tolerating, carrying, and so on—not even an hourly concern, or much of a conscious one, so much as something to check against, watch for, a diligent quiet awareness and work, when necessary, that has been (knock on wood) getting much easier with time, better life circumstances, and people to be around. Aware how significant that change is, on rereading what I was writing when that fixing-vs-living-with was so crushing it sort of tabula rasa’d my sense of self—meaning, mostly, that I’m unbelievably grateful to feel like somebody real again, and I owe that, too, in no small part to a fandom community that is on the whole so positive to be a part of—made it worth it to write, and try to put something into the world, and express passion for something I loved, and feel that passion reflected back to me when it was most needed.

And from that: just wanted to say, from my point of view a few tentative steps into what is beginning to feel like real and meaningful recovery—it gets better!! At the time of initial composition in late 2022/early 2023, I was trying hard to write hope for a few characters I adored, so I could maybe see it for myself, edgewise (truth thru fiction…?). I heard in the course of posting chapters from people who said that the fic resonated with them, that they related to or saw themselves in how I was writing Hawk or Beej, and drew some degree of comfort or catharsis in reading—wonderful, and I don’t think I could ask for more than to believe maybe some people who felt like I did at the time felt a little better because of something I wrote. and if there’s anything I hope people get out of thinking about S2G2 on this year-iversary it’s that uhh it gets better, and stubborn hope + whimsy + sense of humor + enjoyment of the absurd is ur most powerful tool as a human person probably, and also I’m stupid grateful for and very fond of fandom community, and the friends I’ve been so lucky to make thru this space (much love)!! Thank you for reading—fic, or this weird scrawl on my blog, or both—anyway, thanks! means a lot and always has! have a wednesday treat of some kind + treat urself nice ! who knows how to end these things. Alexa turn off earnestpost. Earnestposting end. Stop Post

[lucky-clover-gazette]

(hi, this is a negative rant about the thirteenth doctor's era. it's not about jodie's acting, it's about the writing and overall production. just putting that here since i am tagging. your thoughts are appreciated bc honestly i'm shocked it's like this and want to hear others' takes)

okay not to be a hypocrite considering the amount of shit i've given moffat but oh my god 13's era so far is one of the least exciting bodies of media i've ever seen. like there's nothing here. it's so incredibly unfun and i have no idea who the fuck it's for. if you're pandering to straight people and 2014 tumblr teenagers you do a moffat, if you're pandering to fucked up gay people and overly philosophical emotional masochists you do a rtd. this is pandering to a 2017 cancel-happy twitter user who likes hamilton the musical at its prime and really really wants to be progressive but also is super repressed, uneducated, and shallow about it, and i don't even think that hypothetical person would ENJOY this?? we have a woman doctor, but she lacks any kind of maturity or sexual agency that every male doctor was given, because the male show runner clearly thought that was the only way she'd be taken seriously. and holy shit, the tokenism is absolutely insane. or at least, it feels that way to me. i'm curious to know how fans of color have felt about it. and besides the tokenism stuff, the companions have no personalities whatsoever, like it's mind-numbing how interchangeable and weak they are. the dialogue all-around is noticeably bad, and it's not even in a fun way. attempted Reveals feel cheap and make me roll my eyes. everything is so deeply unimaginative and boring and basic and it really is just so insane to me that we went from rtd having weird horny gay aliens dying to britney spears' toxic while simultaneously delivering absolutely gut wrenching and breathtaking story and character moments... to this. what a damn shame that the first woman doctor is associated with this mediocrity.

i'm at the end of spyfall part one (the master reveal was my final straw, hence making this post) so maybe my mind will change from here on. but holy fuck, dude. i thought people exaggerated about chib's era but it really is just like white noise, that only gets more unpleasant the more you actually think about it. passively unobtrusive at absolute best, infuriating for its emptiness one step down from that. i would take moffat's worst doctor who over anything of this era i've seen so far, with the exception of instances of unambiguous misogyny and sexual assault in a few of his episodes.

i am conflicted whether i should tag this as chibnall and 13 because it's negative. i want to hear other thoughts so i think i will, but i apologize if this is something you've connected with. you do not need to engage in a conversation defending it unless you want to share your thoughts, which are more than welcome.

[nights-nonsensical-ramblings]

okay so I watched the knuckles series (by following the example of the pirates of course ) and I have to say while it was a very enjoyable watch, I have no clue what I watched and I’m mostly confused and have come away feeling mostly neutral. I don’t hate it, but it hasn’t dug its hooks in like other sonic things have for me.

Like some bits I very much enjoyed watching and would happily see again and others I couldn’t stand and dread the idea of watching again.

there were plenty of moments where Knuckles went against what I adore about him, and others that perfectly capture what I adore about him. Boy was so adorable though. Loved lots of the expressions he made.

okay I’m gonna get a bit more specific from here and cuz I got no clue what’s going on with the tagging and it gets long I’ll put it under a cut.

So it’s kinda hard for me to remember what happened, but I will say I love wades mother, she was amazing, loved her and Knuckles’ dynamic and would welcome it if she appeared again. (Also, new headcanon unlocked that knuckles is such a mamas boy he’s a magnet for motherly figures)

I really am not a fan of his sister Wanda tho. The childish sibling banter did entertain me at first (and made me think that knuckles was going to reflect on his relationship with his brothers) but it went on too long and just made Wanda feel like she never matured past being a bratty teenager. (And judging by what I’ve seen I think she’s gonna be on ‘top _ worst sonic characters’ lists for a while)

my opinion on Wade himself hasn’t really changed. I have no strong feelings towards the guy

We didn’t get as much as I wanted, but I loved the Wachowski family stuff. I needed so much more of knuckles being the trouble kid and the family trying to help.

It’s pretty annoying that the start of the show set up Knuckles learning to chill, be a kid on earth and settle in with his new family. Only to drop it basically immediately and the closest thing it has to a resolution is Knuckles finding his jam.

and yeah, I could see plenty of moments where they had the perfect opportunity to explore knuckles on a deeper level but chose not to. But I am glad they at least hinted at it with those expressions I keep raving about

On that. Cuz Pachacamacs appearance was what springboreded what was going on in a different direction. What is going on here? Is this a Knuckles thing? But Wade speaks to him to, but that was under knuckles’ guidance? I think? So can anyone in this world talk to spirits? Can only certain people be spirits? I mean. One Knuckles got over the initial shock he accepted the fact he was talking to a dead tribe member (I’m also sad that nothing was done with the idea that in this universe Knuckles and Pachacamac were alive at the same time) I got so many more questions on how spirits work in here, but I’m just gonna move on. (Although, maybe this sets up knuckles speaking to Tikal 👀. Or maybe his dad or even his mum.)

But considering what Pachacamac’s role is in the games making him so comedicly focused felt weird. Yeah this universe has different events. But still feels weird cuz of how we know Pachacamac.

I don’t even know what to say about the whole fire powers fire demon (who’s heavily implied to be iblis) I need way more time to think what is going on. Like does any of the pre existing lore apply? If so those are some WILD implications. If not, did that mean they just made this guy like iblis cuz it’s a fire creature that fans will recognize??

A minor thing but I can’t hear our house without thinking of the chemist warehouse add. And a few of the other songs are strongly associated with other things and I couldn’t help but think of them when they played. I don’t see this as a good or bad thing. It is just a thing.

hmm. I had more thoughts but after that ghost tangent I can’t really remember them. I guess I’ll have to come back later with another post if I get them back.

So, for now my closing thoughts are: it’s not a terrible show. Lots of writing choices I disagree with, but I don’t nessicaily think they’re bad. And there’s definitely enjoyment to be found (more if you watch it with some friends) but it’s not really to my taste. Especially with how much irs advertise as about knuckles and then not. Some moments made me very happy some made me want to nope out some I don’t even know.

congratulations to Wade fans, I’m gonna find what bits I wanna cherry pick and I’ll be on my merry way.

[ljf613]

1, 9, and 10 for Encanto :)

1. the character everyone gets wrong Not a specific character, per se, but I think people tend to misunderstand what's really happening in "We Don't Talk About Bruno"-- and, by extension, how the Madrigals (and the rest of the Encanto) actually feel about Bruno. At face value, the song claims that nobody talks about Bruno because he's creepy and weird and bad luck they all kind of hate him. Which may make a little bit of sense if all we were shown was that one song... but when you actually look at the whole movie, it doesn't add up. If we'd rather pretend Bruno doesn't exist, why is he being painted into brand-new murals featuring a nephew he's never met? Why are we even going into a whole long rant about how much we don't like him instead of hushing it all up? Why would he be the one consulted when Mirabel didn't get a gift? Why does Julieta tell Mirabel that Bruno "lost his way in this family"? Why does Abuela argue that "Bruno didn't care about this family"? And why is everyone so quick to welcome him back at the end-- not to mention absolutely ecstatic about his return? Because the real reason they're all so upset is not because of Bruno's gift-- it's because he left. They're angry and hurt that he would pick up and disappear without a word of explanation. They feel betrayed. And they also feel guilty, because deep down they think that their displeasement with his prophecies might have driven him away. And those aren't pleasant feelings. They're painful and messy and extremely uncomfortable. It's just so much easier for everyone to tell themselves that they're better off without him. To think about all the reasons they shouldn't want him around. To say that they don't need to blame themselves because Bruno was the one who was always in the wrong. To focus on all the little wounds and resentments of the past rather than on the gaping hole that's been left in their lives. Because the truth is that they all love Bruno just as much as he loves them. (I also think a lot of people fundamentally misunderstand Mirabel's motivations and character arc, but that's a rant for another time.)

9. worst part of canon I don't like the way that, right in the middle of the story, Dolores is suddenly treated like a blabbermouth who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. This makes no sense. We know that Dolores can keep a secret-- not only did she manage to hide her crush from everyone, she also knew exactly where Bruno was for ten years without ever telling anyone. Not to mention that she can literally hear everything going on in the entire town, which means she probably knows lots of secrets that she's kept to herself.

10. worst part of fanon People who include DNIs in their fanfics. (Especially when they do it in the tags. Those are supposed to be used to explain what the actual story is about! They're there to help the readers!) Imagine trying to police who can and can't read your publicly posted stories because you don't agree with what ships they like.

Send me an ask that may incite violence.

[splishsplashyouropinionistrash]

welcome welcome, it’s been a while.

but we’re back now with tumblr’s favorite show: AFTG Hot Takes, where i spew paragraphs and paragraphs of bullshit instead of working on my WIP.

without any further ado, i am proud to present: every AFTG ship, ranked.

this is your friendly reminder that these are just my opinions. if you like a ship i don’t: great! if you don’t like a ship that i love: also great! i’m always happy to hear people’s thoughts, and i love a good friendly debate, but please remember that i’m 17. i’m not here to argue with you about why your ship is the best. i’m just here to have fun.

these probably aren’t all the ships that are out there, but this is everything i’ve seen so far. if i missed one, let me know!

24. Jean/Riko

this one… ew. ew ew ew. every ship with riko is so ew, i cannot begin to explain, but this one is the worst.

i’ve read too many Nest fics to not gag at this tag, cause it’s never consensual.

23. Kevin/Riko

just no.

moving on.

22. Kevin/Thea

y’all know i hate this ship by now, but for newcomers: it’s predatory and neglectful. very very ick.

21. Andrew/Roland

this one… where to start?

i’ll probably make a full post ab it soon, so for now, let’s just say that it’s very similar to Kevin/Thea. The age gap at the time that things started between them… the morals and legality are murky at best.

20. Andrew/Kevin

i’ve said it once, and i’ll say it again: they. aren’t. good. for. each. other.

Kevin doesn’t respect boundaries. he pushes things. and boundaries are the absolute most important thing for Andrew. they just don’t work.

19. Andrew/Neil/Kevin

i very vehemently despise this ship, for the same reason i hate Andrew/Kevin. i think it’s so important for y’all to remember who these characters are and not just ship them because they all have dicks and are nice to each other sometimes. that turns into mlm fetishization real fuckin quick.

18. Neil/Kevin

this is one that i can almost sort of see. if i hadn’t accidentally spoiled andreil for myself, i would have assumed this was canon during my first read.

but it’s just… i love the fact that they’re friends. i think their friendship can be so amazing, and i love reading fics where they’re that close. i don’t think every friendship in media has to turn romantic.

17. Kevin/Jean/Jeremy

remember what i said about kevandreil? apply it to this one too.

ik it sounds like i just hate poly couples. i don’t. i just hate ships like this, that really wouldn’t be healthy but people put together anyway because oh gay people yay! it feels gross and fetish-y and i am not here for it.

16. Kevin/Jean

this is a ship that i can see happening pre-canon, but i’m not the biggest fan of it simply because there’s no way it could be healthy. they went through a lot together, sure, but traumabonds are notoriously unhealthy.

15. Kevin/Matt

this, again, feels like just putting two characters together because they’re nice to each other occasionally, but really? they aren’t. correct me if i’m wrong, but Matt and Kev only have one canon interaction that i can remember, and it’s literally Matt punching Kev in the face.

Not to mention, Dan and Matt. Dan and Matt! i love them too much to accept this.

14. Kevin/Matt/Aaron

listen. again, i don’t hate poly couples. i really, really don’t. i just…

Matt literally… just doesn’t mesh well with Kev or Aaron. at all? i don’t understand the thought process behind this.

13. Renee/Jean

i don’t… i don’t hate this one. i just don’t like it. i feel like both Renee and Jean have wayyy better ships (not to spoil anything, but they both make top 5 in different ships)

i don’t think they’re awful, per se, i just don’t really see the chemistry.

12. Allison/Seth

this is an unpopular opinion, i know. but i’ve read a few “Seth lives” fics that redeem him, so i can’t hate him. i can’t, you can’t make me.

believe me, i don’t like it either, but i don’t run this city, the rats do.

anyway, it’s not awesome and i like Ally’s other options better, but it could be good! it could be great! i read too much redemption fanfic!

11. Kevin/Jeremy

i’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite to read when Jean is also in a fic, but if we’re talking in general?

i adore. fics where Kev is falling all over himself trying to talk to Jer are my bread. and. fucking. butter. quicksand has destroyed me. absolutely ruined me.

10. Aaron/Katelyn

starting off the top ten with one of my favorite minor characters ever, this ship is up here because i love Kate so much.

i read too much fanfiction, i know, but i just think she’s so cool?

honestly, i really don’t think Aaron deserves her. she’s that cool. i love her so much. that’s my lady. my babygirl. simply adore.

9. Abby/Wymack/Betsy

i like this one, i really do. all the Fox parents together? it’s perfect. i love it. enough said.

8. Kevin/Allison

listen. i’ve said i didn’t get it before, but honestly? i change my mind. i like this one. i like it a lot.

their personalities would mesh so well. they’re both dramatic, they’d be the funniest fucking couple in the world. i like it a lot.

7. Abby/Wymack

it’s a classic. i ship it, you ship it, the Foxes ship it too. we all ship it. they’re made for each other, and that’s all i have to say.

6. Matt/Dan

if you don’t like this one, you’re lying. they are. the definition. of love.

they’re so cute? so cute? i have no words?

your honor, i love them.

top five time!!

5. Nicky/Erik

god, these two.

if you know me at all, you know i have a soft spot for Nicky. i relate to his story so much, and i hate how dirty Nora did him.

but god, these two. they are love. they are perfect.

i have no words. i just love them so much

4. Kevin/Aaron

i love this one. you know i love this one. everyone knows i love this one.

they’re both assholes, and they’re both hurt in different ways, and i love when they heal together. when they help each other and lean on each other and just- ugh.

i like watching them heal, and i like watching them do it together. (plus best friend’s brother anyone?? a classic trope)

3. Renee/Allison

i love them so much. i love them so much.

they balance each other out so well? they’re so perfect for each other?

also, we need more wlw couples in media in general, and especially in this series.

i love them so much.

2. Jean/Jeremy

you know. you know i love this one (thank you Hoax, and thank you gus_47. you have ruined my sleep schedule and i have never been happier)

grumpyxsunshine, guys. healing together. i love when people heal together. i love it

also, round of applause to us in the fandom for creating an incredibly popular ship between two people who literally never interact in canon. we did that. i love that for us.

and now, for #1.

1. Andrew/Neil

they are love. they. are. love.

it’s a classic but it’s perfect, and i love them so much. no i will not elaborate (this time)

well! thank you for reading, start a (friendly) fight with me if you want, and drink some water

hugs and kisses <3

[kerink]

how to make friends on tumblr

wrt the last poll i reblogged, here is my actual advice for how to make friends on tumblr. i've been here since 2011 and this has always worked:

identify what you're interested in and what your hobbies are. tumblr is a community oriented space, think of it like a community center and every room is rented out for different groups. the "rooms" are the tags you're going to use. (tumblr only seems like it's mostly fandom because rather than having one "fandom" room, fandom is a wing and each specific fandom has its own room.)

search the tags for the things you're most interested in. often times this means sifting through who's a reposter and who's a genuine creator, and i'm sorry but you're just gonna have to deal with this. it sucks but it's part of the process. find real people who are engaging meaningfully in the tag and follow them. 2A. look at how people you admire tag their work, use this to start over step 2 and use it to inform you in step 3

begin posting your own content. this is where the sanitation of the word "content" really hurts us because i don't mean post your creations. content is anything: questions about the topic, reflections of your experience doing the thing, analysis or headcanons you've been toying with, reactions to the material, and yes your actual art. 3A. if you're new to tumblr or new to an interest, it may help to create a "welcome" post where you introduce yourself and express your interest and intention and tag the thing. maybe this is a text post maybe it includes a small sample of your work. i would advise making one per tag for each interest rather than mass tagging one post, this way you don't look like spam. 3B. if you have a backlog of work you're wanting to repost to tumblr, i would suggest making 1 post per piece and using tumblr's queue feature to stagger your postings. this will make it much more likely people will be online to see your posts and will also increase the chances that they'll meaningfully engage with them.

for the next few weeks to months alternate between engaging with your dashboard and the tag(s). read the posts made by the people you followed in step 2 and find ways to interact with them. like their posts, leave comments, reblog with tags, send them asks. the intention here is to 1. show that you're interested in them, 2. that you're willing to do the leg work and carry the weight of the conversation, and 3. you have something meaningful to contribute to their experience of the interest (many of my mutuals were first just blorbo from my notes). all the while keep going into the tag looking for new people. 4A. decide if the people you follow are potential friends or are just inspiration. this is totally fine and acceptable, not everyone on tumblr wants to make friends, and even if they do they may not be right for you. it's okay to simply be a fan of someone. 4B. examine why you want to be friends with someone. if you're trying to get something out of the experience (free art or ideas) the other person is going to know that. at best you'll be politely engaged with but held at arms length and at worst you'll be blocked. 4C. recognize that often creators get used for free work. creators in all fields often have people who pretend to be their friend but the relationship is purely transactional. this can cause a lot of trust issues and may impact how quickly someone warms up to you. if hearing this bothers you, return to 4B.

keep making your own content. you're in this interest because it's your interest. i know it sucks to not have people engage with you or to feel alone, but i promise your passion with shine through. if you show you have something to offer and you keep up with step 4 you'll find people who want to have a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with you.

being willing to do the work and put yourself out there is the biggest part of making friends on here. being willing to start conversations and carry the conversational load, feeling comfortable sending asks off anon, supporting creators by reblogging their work all go a long way to show people that you're genuine and interested. and making your own posts sharing your thoughts and feelings* also shows people who you are and gives them the opportunity to decide if they want to follow you back. become the person other people find in their step 2.

there's no shame in recognizing there are also relational levels too. are you a fan of someone? do you want someone to mentor you? do you want to be co-creators on a project? are you only friends with this person when talking about this one particular topic? are you friends who talk about things other than the topic? do you talk about real life and support each other when struggling? not everyone will have a deep connection with you, maybe they'll be your best friend until you change fandoms and then you never speak again. this is possible and happens and sucks but is okay and normal. not everyone will become like a sibling. just be clear with your intentions, keep communication open, and be transparent with your boundaries.

* this doesn't mean just art. i want to make it very clear that anyone can be a content creator and engage with an interest in a meaningful way. this also means you have to get rid of your own bias when you search the tag. read people's text posts, care about what they have to say and think, don't just filter search by photo. if you want to make friends, you'll have to recognize that you have to get to know them, and this means getting to know them not just their art. this also means allowing yourself to be known in ways other than just as a creator.

[yvtro]

saw someone else's jason&dick tag that was "you'll grow into it" (I imagine wrt robin) and was reminded of you tagging a post w "I need a tag for them" or sth, thought you might think that's interesting (obviously I am not saying "op do this" I just mean it in a "saw thing and was reminded of person I'd seen a few days ago mentioning thing" way) hope you're having a nice day!

ah thank you! it's so nice to hear that people pay attention to what i say (even if it's in the tags) enough to recall it! and finding that someone even came back to let me know about it makes me feel so welcomed when i open this website <3

this is such a good tag, it makes me think of the general air of uncertainity that surrounded jay in his robin days, and his deep regard for dick as the first robin... and also there's this underlining notion that both jay and dick have to grow into brotherhood.

i want to coin my tag to be reflective of some aspects of their relationship/parallels that i ruminate about a lot, namely

1. their temperaments being opposite to each other; they come into vigilantism with two radically different motives (dick – personal vengeance, jay – the strong sense of duty) and somehow, ironically, they end up on the other side of the axis (dick – with his strong morals and finding the way to cope with grief/anger, jay – crossing the lines and letting himself be consumed by grief)... something about characters who start out ruthless growing into heroism, and characters who are inherently kind and naturally merciful descending into moral failure.

2. the fact that dick is the only one who seems to have preserved jason's memory properly, and thus the only one who would be able to look at him and try to find the remnants of whom jay used to be (which jay is actively reburying each day.) the only one who has the potential to see jay in his entirety, who recalls him at his best and now is confronted with him at his worst.

so i'm trying to find some short phrases that would embody these thoughts. sorry for using your ask to ramble about meta, hope you don't mind!

[allie-campbell-bradshaw]

Prologue

A/N: Welcome to the first post for Top Gun: Baby, a love story following Bradley Bradshaw and Allie Campbell. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do! I will mention this in my notes before every chapter, but I do not give permission for my work to be re-posted without credibility. If you do want to post this story to your page, please be sure that you tag my account or at least mention its original source in your post. Again, thank you for being here and I hope you enjoy :)

Warnings: Angst from a hard childhood, mentions of death, mentions of alcoholism, mentions of PTSD related to war, mentions of cancer, mentions of physically hurting someone

Masterlist for Top Gun: Baby

Prologue

BRADLEY’S POV

This was it. This letter in my hands would determine my fate. I wish I could say that my four years at Virginia flew by, but they didn’t. Everything dragged. And while I was walking across the stage last week accepting my degree, shaking hands with people who didn’t even know me, I couldn’t help but think about how different my life would have been if he didn’t get in my way.

I applied to the Naval Academy when I was a senior in high school. I sent in my application exactly 2 weeks before my mom died. No one knew when it was going to happen, but we all felt that her death was closer than we would have preferred. I sat next to her in her room at the hospice center as I filled out all the paperwork, reading my admissions essay out loud so she could hear me talk about my father, and her, and my fathers father who died when I was 5. All three of them were dealt the worst deck in life, creating challenges that I had to overcome during my childhood. My dad’s death when I was two left me with no recollections of our time together, which created its own set of drawbacks as I grew up. My grandpa died two years later from alcohol poisoning. The pain of recently losing his son while also suffering from PTSD from the Vietnam War became too hard for him to bear, which caused him to rely on alcohol to make it through the day. I remember watching him deteriorate. For a kindergartener, I had enough of a mental capacity to understand what death was, and knew, without having to ask anyone for confirmation, that he was about to experience it. Then there came my mom, whose cancer diagnosis left us without words. Suddenly we had to adapt to a rapidly growing illness that was destined to make me an orphan. I went from a child to a caregiver within 24 hours.

I watched as tears flowed from her eyes, the illness had taken over so much by then that she only had a few hours of energy to give during the day before she would pass out. After I read it to her, she asked to talk to Maverick, who was waiting out in the hall. He always made sure to let us have our time before coming in and joining the conversation. I read through my application again out in the hall while they talked. When Pete came out of the room, there was something different about him. He carried himself at a more awkward angle, his smile didn’t seem as real as it did earlier that morning. My mom, who was now sound asleep, seemed to be in less pain than she was when I was reading to her, there was a part of her that actually looked peaceful for the first time in months. Mav walked with me, a hand held firmly on my shoulder, as we made our way to the post office, sealing the application packet and sending it to its destination in Annapolis. 

I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The combination of my mothers death and the admission that I was not accepted led me down a crippling road of self-doubt and depression. Someone in my neighborhood already got his acceptance letter, which brought me to that realization that it was not going to happen for me. Although I didn’t want to admit it, it became harder and harder to ignore as the days went on. It took almost two months of sulking before Pete told me what he had done, not wanting to witness my sorrow any longer.

I never hated anyone more than at that very moment. Never in my life have I thought about being violent, but I wanted to beat him. I wanted to pound him until my knuckles broke. Until he was no longer conscious. Until I saw him as broken down, physically, as he just made me feel mentally.

That was the last day I saw him. The last day I cared about him. He knew how important the Naval Academy was to me…to my father…and his father… and his father before him. The Naval Academy was a legacy that he took away from me, away from my family. I applied to the academy every year after that as I attended the University of Virginia, and every year I never heard back. I knew he kept pulling my papers, but I never gave up. I wanted to show him my determination. To show him that I was not happy with the life he forced me to live. He was slowly shredding my heart into pieces, and he didn’t care. Finally, after five years of applying, I had a response. I prepared myself for the worst case scenario, a rejection letter, which any sane person would assume was what I was holding in my hand. There was a part of me that hoped though, hoped that it was the one thing I wanted. I would give anything for it to be that.

This letter, this unopened letter, would be the final decision for if my life would turn out the way I had always envisioned. This was the last year I could apply to the academy, since I would be 24 by next summer. If this letter was a rejection, I would need to reconsider my desire for a career in naval aviation. I was unwilling to go through the Navy any other way. 3 generations of Bradshaw’s had gone through the academy, and I would be damned if I broke that tradition. I would be too embarrassed to even try. I wouldn’t enlist. I couldn’t. It wouldn’t feel right to me. If I am to be a pilot, this is the way I want to go. 

I turned over the envelope and dug my thumb into the corner of the slit. Slowly, but with great force, I tore the paste from the paper, opening the folds and pulling out the letter. I saw the faintest of black print folded in on the paper through the light of my dining room, my heart was pounding and my face turning a deep red. My palms were glistening with sweat as I peeled back the two folds that cut the paper into exact thirds before flipping it over to reveal its contents. I saw my full name printed out on the front: “Bradley David Bradshaw” followed by “we are pleased to inform you”...

[cherryluvrx3]

meat lovers amirite??

Dave Strider x Reader x Karkat Vantas

Chapter 4

Okay.

This has gotta be one of the worst days ever.

Like if there was a shitty day tournament, this day would’ve made it to the semi finals at LEAST . Actually no, I’m sure there’s people out there dealing with way more horrible shit but still.

First, I barely slept last night and when I did finally fall asleep, I ended up forgetting to put my alarm so I was late and my first period teacher chewed me out (can’t stand that bitch). Then later at gym, I was messing around with Gamzee, shooting hoops, and then MY PANTS FUCKING RIPPED!!! It wasn’t super noticeable but I spent the whole day wondering if people could see my lower ass cheek. All because I was ballin'. Oh, and as if my clothes weren’t ruined enough, Terezi accidently squirted ketchup on my shirt during lunch. Then I got my last period’s test back and a big fat F was the final slap to the face.

Now school’s over, it’s windy as fuck outside and I’m walking shamefully back home, running on 3 hours of sleep, my ass cheek hanging out, and crusty ketchup on my shirt. I probably look as miserable as a soggy kitten.

I tugged my shirt down again to cover my ass with a huff. Oh and my stomach growling just reminded me that lunch today was also ass so I skipped it and am currently starving. It’s been about a week and so I got a new allowance and money to use so I could buy lunch I guess. Or maybe just a snack since I have pasta at home? It’s gotta be a comfort food though, I need some damn comforting after today. Maybe something sweet but what could I..

I stopped in front of a Pizza Hut poster advertising their sweet little cinnabons for only $5 bucks! Yeah I could totally go for those right about now.

I wonder if Dave works today? I could eat some sweeties while talkin’ up a sweetie- okay that was mad cringe I’m sorry.

Before me was a golden opportunity to finally ask his number! And if he says no.. then this’ll really be one of my worst moments ever. But I mean at least I’ll get cinnabons at the end of the day?

I took a deep breath and walked in, hearing a little bell jingle.

Behind the cash register was a goofy lookin kid with black hair and glasses but.. I looked around and.. No Dave.

I try not to let disappointment show on my face as he greeted me with a “Welcome to Pizza Hut how can I take your order?”

“Uh yeah can I get a 5 piece order of cinnabons please? That’s all” I say and give him the money. “Alright, I’ll get you them right now.” and as he goes to grab them from their little oven thing, I hear a jingle as the door behind me opens and there walks in an exasperated Dave.

“John- oh..uh hey?” He awkwardly greets me as he heads behind the counter. “Hey.” I say nervously. “Wow you look like shit- I mean-” “Dave!” The guy who I’m guessing is John slaps his shoulder. It’s then I realize the wind probably whipped my hair in all types of crazy ways. “Nah it’s fine.. I look like shit ‘cause I’ve had a shit day..” I sigh as I grab my cinnabons from John. “Tell me about it, today’s been shit for me too! No joke, I almost got jumped.” Dave threw his arms up for dramatic effect.

“Huh-” “What?? Are you alright?” John asked, looking over Dave as if he would suddenly see any new injuries.

“Yeah I’m okay, I skedaddled and ran to the car- had to drop the pizza though.” He squeezed past John and went behind the counter to hang the car keys on a little hook that held a few other types of keys.

“Alright so what happened?” I asked and as Dave was about to answer, another guy with black hair and a mean face came out from the back. “The hell you’d get into this time, Strider?” He crossed his arm and asked in an irritated, accusatory tone.

“I’m literally innocent! I have done no wrong doings in the history of ever. I don’t know why you’d immediately think it’s my fault.” Dave grumbled while the other guy who’s name tag seemed to read ‘Karkat’ scoffed.

“But like I was saying,” Dave side eyed Karkat, or at least I think he did, hard to tell with the shades, “What had happened was this,” he lifted himself up to sit on the counter, John sat on a little chair by the register and Karkat stood near John. I was leaning on the counter with my elbows, intent on hearing whatever the tea was.

“Me, a valued, trustable worker, was just doing my job of delivering pizzas. I noticed the address was in a bit of a sketchy neighborhood but I thought to myself, ‘Y'know what Dave? Maybe these guys are alright citizens. Who are you to judge a book by it’s trashy, bullet riddled cover?’ right?” He began, “Then I stroll up to this ghetto house and knock on the door, it opens and low and behold there’s a fine looking gentleman that could be a prime example of the damage inbreeding does to a human,” I couldn’t help but snicker and John let out a few giggles too, “I says, “Hello sir, I have your pizza, the total is $14.99” and he just hands me a $10. I go, “Sorry sir but it seems you haven’t given me enough to pay, I can’t give you the pizza” and maybe he was having a shit day, like- his sister probably just broke up with him or something and I guess that was just the last straw cause dude just starts fuckin’ yelling at me.

Can’t lie I was scared, shaking in my fuckin’ boots at this meth addicted hillbilly hick that’s suddenly grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and shaking me like in a cartoon or something- dude was about to start winding up his fist to blow a punch hard enough to make me see little animated swirling stars 'n shit, seriously,” Dave laughs while speaking, clearly enjoying his own jokes, “And so, since I’m a big strong man, I shove the guy back, hard, and dude falls back into the house. Guess he had some friends over and I swear they must’ve just finished snorting up lines because I could see they had white dust on their faces and,” he leaned into me, “ I didn’t see no powdered donuts.” I bit my lip to hold in my laugh.

“So his buddies come, tryna back him up I guess. They start rolling up their sleeves ‘n shit and, I’m a man who picks and chooses his battles, and a battle between me and 4 hillbillies off a few lines of coke just ain’t a fight I wanna fight. So I just took off running and I guess druggies don’t have good balance cause them junkies was limping and hobbling after me as I booked it to the car. One of them grabbed me and I just threw the pizza at him and kept going.” He laughed and hopped off the counter to go to the little fridge they stored drinks in and get himself a coke.

I looked back and saw John who was snorting and giggling the whole time and Karkat who was trying to hold back a smile. Of course, I was cheesing hard through the whole story. Dave just has this way of pulling people in and the way he speaks just paints a perfect picture for telling stories.

“So yep, that’s that. Lost a good pizza and got no money. By the way, your hair’s still fucked dude.” Dave says after taking a sip of his soda.

“Ugh shit-” I immediately try to pat down any and all stray hairs, combing through the strands with my fingers.

“Who the hell even is this?” Karkat asks as if he suddenly noticed my presence and something about it makes me feel even more embarrassed, like I was intruding on something private.

“Oh uh, I’m just a customer haha..” I chuckle awkwardly and avert my gaze, I could still see John swat his shoulder and whisper ‘ rude!’’ Out of the corner of my eye.

“So eh.. you said you were having a bad day..?” John asks awkwardly as if trying to make me feel better. “Oh uh.. yeah but we don’t have to talk about it- I mean I’m sure you’ve guys got work-” “Nah go ahead, not like we’re doing anything anyways.” Dave says, encouraging me to speak, probably because he didn't wanna go back to work just yet.

“Well it’s not anything crazy like with you, just annoying school shit and I got a big ol’ ketchup stain on my shirt plus ripped pants.” I sigh.

I hear John whisper “ oh my god like SpongeBob ,” and Karkat giving him a down right dirty look.

“Oh and I guess my hairs all wack too.” I say and go back to trying to fix it. “Well if ya want we can let you use the bathroom and you can fix it in the mirror.” Dave offers and lifts the little counter door, inviting me in.

“Our bathroom is for employees only. ” Karkat said, also giving me a dirty look.

“Karkat, quit being such a fuckin’ wet blanket.” Dave rolled his eyes I think? and grabbed me by my arm, leading me to the bathroom.

——————

The door clicked as I went inside and Dave walked back out to the front. “Did they even buy anything?” Karkat asked John who was about to start mopping as if he didn’t two days ago. “Uh yeah they bought some cinnabons- but I guess they’re cold now.” He said as he picked up the box left on the counter.

“I’ll replace them with some warmer ones.” Dave said and took the box, switching places with another in the little oven.

“Why’re you doing all that for?”

“Kat," he sighed, "it doesn’t take much to be a little nice y’know? You of all people should be nice to them, actually, since that’s the dude who’s pizza ya burnt.” Dave said as he rolled the mop bucket to John.

“…really..?”

“Yep.”

“You burnt a pizza?”

Karkat didn’t answer, he just went to the back. In all honesty he did feel a bit guilty, actually, no. A better word was embarrassed.

Embarrassed that he seriously felt jealous enough to do something so petty. After a bit of thinking, Dave was right, it didn’t take much to be nice.

——————

I put some water in my hands and used it to better stick my frizzy hair down. After turning around to take a better look at my butt and see if you really could see my ass through the tear, there was a knock on the door.

I opened it and there was Karkat, holding some clothes and avoiding eye contact.

“Your clothes are trashed right? Here you can wear mine.” He grumbled. I just stood in silence, semi confused and in disbelief because I just didn’t think he’d be the type to offer me anything let alone a spare change of clothes.

“They’re clean if that’s what you're worried about. I’ll just walk home in my uniform. I need to wash it anyways..” He said and pushed the clothes into my hands.

“Uhm.. thanks! Seriously you’re a life saver, I could kiss you- do you want a kiss?” I puckered up my lips and watched as he practically jumped back and screamed “HELL NO!”

I snickered and said it was a joke! Before closing the door to change.

Luckily his baggy sweater fit and his joggers could be adjusted by the strings. I shoved my clothes in my backpack and walked out.

John mopped about half the store and Dave and Karkat were talking behind the register.

“Woah I didn’t think you’d give them your own personal threads, Kat. You having a random character redemption arc?” Dave teased and bumped Karkat’s shoulder, only to get bumped back harder with a “Shut the hell up, Dickbag Strider!”

“Haha yeah thanks again Karkat!” I smile and leave from behind the counter to grab my temporarily forgotten cinnabons.

“It’s fine… uh?”

“Oh yeah, my name’s (Y/n) by the way.”

“Right.”

I stood there for a bit before I remembered my second reason for coming here, getting Dave’s number.

Okay, act cool and natural.. gently slide trading numbers into the conversation-

“Do you- like need anything else or…?”

“Can I have your number?”

Oh wow, how smooth.

“I mean! All of your numbers ha! You guys all seem- uh really....cool..? Besides! I wanna give these clothes back at some point..” I say awkwardly while being stared down by all three Pizza Hut boys.

“Well yeah, me, I’m cool , not too sure about Karkat and John though.” Dave laughs while John lets out an offended “ hey!” and Karkat bumps his shoulder again.

John is the first to walk over to me, phone in hand, “Uh here.. do you have pesterchum? I like using it more than regular texting.” “Nerd.” "Okayy I see you Rizzard of Oz." “ Shut up!” I type in my handle while the other two pull out their phones.

I put my phone away after we all trade information and pick up my cinnabons once again.

“Alright, it’s been nice. Talk to you guys later!” I waved and walked out the door.

——————-

“Soo like… who is that guy seriously?”

“Hell if I know.” Dave answered Karkat before going to the bathroom to pee.

“I mean, the guy seemed pretty nice, maybe they just want friends?”

“I don’t really think friendship is exactly what they’re looking for.” Karkat mumbled. He noticed how when they asked for a phone number, they were asking Dave specifically. He doesn't think he's especially good at reading people's intentions but it doesn't take a genius to tell they were interested in Dave.

Thinking of them as competition is dumb, it’s not like they’re competing for anything-

“Hey Kat! You wanna sneak out for lunch at school tomorrow morning? I was thinking we could eat at Panda Express or something.” Dave smiled and Karkat felt that if Dave asked for anything with a look like that on his face, he’d say yes.

“Sure..” he grumbled and pulled away before Dave could notice his reddening face.

Is it going to be a competition?

———

a/n its not gonna be a competition theyre all gonna kiss and hold hands… #polyamoryftw

[abyssalpriest]

Hey! I saw your tags on my Poseidon post that it confirmed some things for you (@magnoliessence is my side blog hence anon) - I would love to hear more about that and your thoughts on/experience with Poseidon if you are open to discussing!💙🌊✨

Hey there, welcome! And thank you so much for your post, I would love to give thoughts! Boy would I love to never shut up about this entity lmfAO Though disclaimer, I want you and anyone else who reads this to know I'm not 100% sure I know Actual Poseidon so I am not claiming with certainty I work with him. Andddd this is going to be long for that reason - those reasons. I love talking about him but I do need to kind of set up a window into my view here so you can decide whether we're talking about the same entity or not 

To give you a background: I work chiefly with two deities, one of whom is not featured here and that's Hermes, the other would be the Possible Poseidon, but I mostly know him as Leviathan. Physically, I work with two other channellers and it's sort of a thing among us and Hermes (who works with and possesses all three of us alongside Leviathan) and the other spirits we work with including Demeter that Leviathan is Poseidon, though none of us really work with that name since he doesn't tend to present as Poseidon to us. At least not often. We have other forms/names of his more important to our practices, like Leviathan and Shiva. It's also not just Leviathan who says he's Poseidon; the Trinity of Leviathan, (brother), and (brother) all claim at least around us to be the Trimurti (Shiva, Indra/Brahma, Vishnu) as well as Poseidon, Zeus, Hades. So it's either true he is Poseidon or its a group effort lmao.

I am pretty damn sure though especially after seeing your post, not because I'm taking that as the sole informant to my opinion on him being or not being Poseidon, but because I have had a lot of evidence I have up until your post been ignoring, and that post made a lot of things click especially when I took it to Leviathan to be like "ok, damn, this is you?". I just am not able to be 100% sure because Ive had issues with spirits lying about who they are in the past

I say all that (that we work with him, i work wih a group, etc) specifically to highlight that while I put in the work and don't approve of seeing similar characteristics and saying "yep, these cross cultural deities are the same!" without actually putting in an effort to confirm through the deities themselves and multiple physical people I am.... VERY aware this is PVG and based on personal experiences with spirits, which means do not worry, I don't intend to convince you, your UPG and PVG are more important to your practice than mine. Maybe you and I are talking about the same entity, maybe not. But your post is the first time I've really started to actually understand what "I am Poseidon" might mean from Leviathan, because yeah, holy shit, everything on that is so bloody Leviathan and I don't think any of our group (again, we don't work with that name he's just told us so we dont really look into it) knew the name Poseidon was connected to those things. 

So yeah, I'll just talk about my experiences with Leviathan (and I'll call him Leviathan because whether he's Poseidon or not, he's Leviathan) that are relevant to the name Poseidon and that post you made, and you can decide for yourself if we're talking about the same entity or not. At worst, I guess you get to hear about a very similar entity, maybe that will be interesting. Lemme pop this under read more just to save my followers dashboards

Leviathan is an incredibly complex person, but at the core of his being he connects to the water cycles, the sky and ocean, the weather, the sun, the underworld as one of its rulers (or one of the rulers of one plane of the underworld), and has a complex relationship with humanity as one of its fathers. Oftentimes when he's around the three of us he makes it rain or otherwise changes the weather, he has a huge, encompassing presence that is often tied to water, watery depths, cold and dark - but not intimidating as a hollow dark night, he's comfortingly full and present and like the safe embrace of the water. That, I understood to relate to Poseidon. Leviathan is very oceanic, an ancient and wise deific being that's been around humans for a long time... Before your post what I understood of the god Poseidon was his connection to the ocean especially as his symbolic wife due to how Leviathan interacts with the ocean, his connection to horses which echoes in other names he's mentioned being him, and his part in the trinity of Hades, Zeus, Poseidon. Oh, and his trident. The trident is an important symbol of power and of the trinity of Leviathan + brothers and is used publicly as a symbol on their plane in the underworld, so that was also something I saw as relevant. You also see the trident as their symbol with the Trimurti in hinduism and in the stereotypical scapegoat of the Devil and probably other places too, its a big royal family trinity thing. That's pretty much all I knew though since as I said Leviathan didn't really work with us through that energy and name. The "I am Poseidon" thing already made sense given the impressions I get from those working explictly with the god Poseidon, he seems very stern and serious and fatherly, the ocean personified almost as a self-contained and private but hugely powerful thing... That made sense to me.

The ocean as his wife thing, that also made sense and to clarify what I meant by that - the Leviathan exists in many places at the same time, hes just a huge, encompassing father deity who can expend that sort of energy and divide his extensive awareness into multiple parts. He spends a lot of his time partly swimming in deep space which he equates to the depths of the ocean, and specifically he blurs with reality so much that it is like swimming in the ocean and being the ocean at the same time. The "ocean" he is in is so close to being his literal other half, actually I would say with how interconnected with reality he gets it literally is his other half, in the way of two halves of a persons body moving as one - but to humans the best metaphor probably would be he moves with and as the ocean like he and her are a couple who are so in tune with each other they move as a cohesive unit that can separate and reconnect at will. Leviathan moves the world around him like Poseidon and his waters. Leviathan does have multiple actual wives though so Amphitrite may be one of their names, but it definitely would check out symbolically. Actually, just googled her to make sure I was right about her being interpreted as the ocean (she is to some) - theres mountains being referened again... Ill get to his connection with those later.

Horses also made sense, they're core to Levithan's being, one of his sacred animals among other things like wolves, hawks/birds, bears, fish, etc. They're used in war which he is deeply tied to, they're a pinnacle of something core to him which is a relationship between animals/animal forms and the being, especially in regards to taking animal forms and becoming them in order to get things done since when riding horses you and the horse must become one. They're tied deeply to one of his chief homes here on Earth and the people there who associate him with them. I've been reconnecting with my link to the Sky through him and the Storm Mother, who is an entity closely tied to and close with Leviathan, and I remember it keeps coming up with them that I see the sky as shown by them as this amalgamation of horses almost like Sleipnir with the many legs, but with many heads, legs, etc. I can't explain this quickly without sacrficing a tonne of context, but effectively Leviathan teaches that the sky is inhabited by a bunch of bodies moving together in complex ways that create the weather system and whatnot, and while I don't understand them well this lifetime I know very well that Leviathan and Zeus possess these bodies to bring in storms and rain and such. It's a lot like working with and riding horses, is what I'm saying. In my workings with Leviathan the sky and the ocean are one, mirrored selves, and so I absolutely understand the idea of Poseidon and his horses tying not just to the fact that he literally rides horses, but also to the ocean (and the sky) as his horses... His mind is filled with horses and what they represent to him.

But here's the thing: While I knew Leviathan was connected with the ocean, I and our group so much more saw him as the rain and the rivers and the water cycle in general. Its something that pops up in the name Shiva; before I knew he was Shiva I knew of Leviathan with rainwater pouring from his hair, and I later came to find out that the Ganges river is supposed to be coming from his head and hair... He's always shown me that hair = personal power and energy, so to him the water cycle and bestowing and removing water from places is core to his being. Hell, I even have a character representing him called "River" lmfAO  He's also associated with mountains both in PVG and also as Shiva. Shiva lives in a mountain, mountains are where the earth touches the sky, theyre also the sources of many rivers, they dance with the sky without moving. They're the imagery of his asceticsm, his knowledge, his removal yet presence in humanity, of him as a tall and watchful father, and of his teachings as hard to surmount and challenging but open to anyone to try and climb. One of the first visions I had of him was something like his body (giant and bigger than mountains) being pierced by swords and drained and draped over a mountain in order to feed the earth, a commentary on the relationship between mountains and the sky - clouds are torn down at mountains to feed the earth. That vision may have been from Zeus given some of the commentary on Poseidon in it lines up with how Zeus sees Poseidon... But the brothers have known each other longer than our plane has existed, so its not like the bit I explained of the mountain thing was inaccurate

And that I think ties into the relationship you pointed out with Demeter and Poseidon if I'm understading right. He talks a lot about Mother Earth, in a lot of his names and just as a person he's tied very romantically to the Earth as an archetypal goddess figure, the idea of Mother Earth as his other half (as a partner as opposed to the literal other half of the ocean) and a partner with which he dances, loves, entangles himself, is constantly reoccurring in his work with our group. Even when he doesn't mean to explicitly talk about the Earth he does and in such a loving, vital way, the way an enamoured husband would talk about his wife... Point being, the metaphor of water and earth, Sky and Earth, ocean and land, rivers and valleys, plants and weather, etc, is absolutely fundamental to Leviathan's entire existence. He sees himself as a Sky Father deity, which is something that makes sense in the other names I know from him, but Poseidon always seemed (in my willful ignorance, I hadnt had a reason to look into Poseidon) to be so tied to the ocean which seems to, by nature as its the part of the water cycle that is, detached from the earth. The ocean is the water that cannot meld with the earth, it is filled with salt...

Idk I think with the myth you posted... This is just my own interpretation, but "the ocean, salty and derimental to earth-bound life, is not wanted by Mother Earth. If they met and mated it would not be wanted by her, it would cause so much destruction to life out of the ocean. In order for life to continue and for this union to happen, the Sky Father needs to not just take a form that is congruent with the Earth Mother's workings (she takes a form that he can match, plants merge with water to form life, not rocks or dirt), but also he takes the form that is representative of (Poseidon)'s connection to the Sky like the horses in the sky and then representative of his land-bound an land-traversing form, which is specifially horses. It probably doesnt go well given how harsh weather, associated with the raging sleipnir-esque horses I mentioned earlier, can ravage the land - what she needs like plants do is to be gently steeped in the water from the rain in order to properly foster new life. She gets it, she gets the harshness of the sky, and then steeps in the water of the right manifestation of the Sky Father, the right part of the water cycle as it finally settles in the land as a fixed body of water". It depends on how metaphorical the story is and allllll the context im missing, Im so sure that this myth is way more about the origins of that goddess than a metaphor for her parents, but it makes a lot of sense to me how its gotten across especially with the fact that horses are how he gets around when bound to the earth. It just like. Resonates. Not saying I actualy get the myth but it resonates. yeah thats the word Ill use

And speaking of "earthquakes (opening) fissures in the land, and rivers were sometimes thought of as the entrances to the underworld" - reminds me of something he was telling me the other day about "entering the underworld" (he says hell, but hell is a metaphor for states of suffering): "Who controls the doorway to Hell? The mind teeters on the brink of discovery. The adventurous humans fall into sleep, deep down, dense matter, condensing like rain droplets hanging tantalisingly above the thirsty desert, but they do not fall until the consciousness drops to a place it can be lapped up by the hound." It was metaphorical I know, but he never does things for no reason, and the vision in my head he showed me accompanying the words is so clearly of someone fallling asleep, and falling through their bed as it turns to clouds specifically in the sky as if the clouds are the gateway - and like all sky related things with Leviathan its inherently related to the ocean and water. Clouds are suspended bodies of water, and this isnt falling from the bed to the sky then through clouds, its clouds being the gateway, what the bed and plane dissolves into to become the gateway to the underworld. Oh! And later on in the same post lmfao he literally said "Climb the spires to the clouds, rewrite the center of your mass from dense rain, follow yourself back to the form of the river." as to how you ''get out of hell'', basically he was saying the process that happened with the clouds to get to hell, you reverse itto get out of hell, so the water cycle takes you there and back. alright damn!

Your connection to human waterworks too just bloody blows my mind, whether it was a thing or not in antiquity its just... I understand it makes sese that a water god rules over water displacement, but another thing he was telling me the other day: "The rain falls from the sky into the earth and arranges itself into ordered, purposeful motions, siphons, dances with molecules shifting the ground and being shifted by it. It moves through channels carved out by dense matter, mechanical roads through plantlife and organic bodies, hydraulic machines, watershed siphons, generator sparks through tributaries… (...) Machine is a thing between states, organically placed between alcoves in creation, parted waters and the small allowance of a river between." He was specifically in that post and in general to me talking about how the connection between earth and rain is comparable to that of a machine, specifically talking about how he relates the two. He associates himself and I associate him for very valid reasons lmfao with machinery and technology (reasons being his and his brothers involvement with the evolution of technology on his plane and overseeing it here), so he was explaining how it works in his mind that the water cycle is connected to machines. Its like... Waterworks are so.... Exactly what hes talking about. The Earth is a hydraulic machine and like aqueducts siphoning water from place to place - and he as the water cycle is like waterwork machinery, hes the drive and siphoning between water locations, the connection between earth and water is like machinery, etc. And as a conscious being he decides where it goes which means hes like a pupose built aqueduct or siphon or etc so much more than just the nebulous "where will water go we just dont know" - no, hes not nebulous, he's mechanical AND purposeful like humans building structures to control the course. Of course he very well may have been symbolically connected to and invoked for this stuff's physical applications.

"I see (...) a Majestic Stallion (...) the King of Rivers (...) a liminal god (...)  a Father of Mysteries whose teachings allow mortals to harness the awesome power of water and tread the flowing currents between our world and the underworld" That is so absolutely 100% a statement I would echo in its entirety about the god Leviathan. That's been basically my entire work with him. Horses, rivers... And very, very liminal. He is so close in nature and for personal reasons to the Void, the liminal space in-between everything, and presents as such... He's so in-between and outside the understanding of humans, but also so present. Liminal absolutely. And a Father of Mysteries... Most of the spirit work discussions (as opposed to all the casual conversations) we as a group have had with him have related to the unravelling and visceral presentation of core key secrets and mysteries of the world. Working with him is like having the viscera of the world served up on a platter in front of us cleaned and gleaming, his revelations do not hold back and contain views and information that unsettles and off-puts the biased, unready mind, like the vastness of the ocean off-puts the unequipped, but the secrets he reveals are not malicious, theyre an opportunity to transcend the boundaries between yourself and this world, yourself and your deeper self/mind, to destroy ignorance if you're willing to meet him halfway. If you prepare yourself and brave the ocean, you will find things you never dreamed you could find. If you know his arts, if you're initiated into his patronage, you will see things you never dreamed would be possible to understand nor experience. And a lot of what he teaches either is explicitly water and sky related or else its taught in ways that reference and use the water cycle as a baseline....

Yeah. That post just sounded so much like Leviathan Who Says He Is Poseidon and im... Goddamn! Ok! I know why I dont have any trust left for people telling me theyre this that and the other, my ex (a spirit officially banished from ever looking at me again) wiped the floor with all my willingness to meet him half way, but damn. Well, hi Poseidon! He has thrown a tonne my way about this being him, Hermes refers to him (occasionally, he has many names and pet names to cycle through Hermes' mind) as Poseidon, my channeller friends refer to him as Poseidon, hes been trying to prove it to me... Thank you so much @magnoliessence for your post because I think you really gave me an important key regarding him

[placegrenette]

a personalized hard sell

To explain: when I got on Tumblr nine years ago it was because I was lonely and needed to yell about Infinite. And I was exceedingly blessed to grab a scattered group of lovely people who would listen to me. And now we are in 2022, and the gentlemen of Infinite have (hopefully) mostly made it through the worst of idol life and emerged relatively comfortable, and we are two weeks away from Myungsoo completing his military service, and when Jamie, one of those aforementioned lovely people, reached out to me the other day I was like, I have Tumblr back now! and it felt like a hug.

but as y’all know I’ve been prone to yelling about a different group for a while, ad nauseam. I’ve been using this tag for years. And anybody who so much as even vaguely hints that they might be willing to hear me out about Ninety One is at risk of getting the OH BOY OH BOY LET ME TELL YOU A FEW THINGS treatment.

so the following is extremely self-indulgent. and may not make sense, or be particularly effective, outside a specific context. but you are welcome to eavesdrop on my tailored yelling.

why you should take affectionate interest in Ninety One (where “you” = primarily, but not limited to, @berestweys​):

they are very charming

“Okay, fine,” you’re thinking, “but it’s not that hard to pretend to be very charming, especially if you have a whole infrastructure of charm built up around you, and nevertheless end up acting like a rotten human being.” I hear you; I have kept that in mind for five years. suffice to say I cannot prove to you that the members of Ninety One are not jerks, never will be able to, but I have been looking for evidence of their jerkiness for over five years now (up to and including flat-out asking people who’ve met them if they’re jerks) and not found it.

the entire split from Juz Entertainment at the beginning of this year stands as evidence in the not-jerks column. admittedly it stands as more evidence that their boss is not a jerk, since he had less to lose from jerkiness, but he showed up to sing at ZaQ’s wedding and then ZaQ and Bala were at an Orda concert (boss’s band) a week or so later. but presumably the not-jerkiness went both ways

also when Ninety One left Juz presumably staffers had an option to leave with them or stay, and some amount of financial calculation must have been in play, but a good many of them decided to go with the guys, including constantly helpful behind-the-scenes dude The Other Other Azamat, extremely adorable director Nurs, thoughtful producer Beka (who also just got married, July is apparently a popular time for weddings in Almaty), and of course Zhadra

speaking of Zhadra: now that they’re married ZaQ is being less shy about showing her (their) cats on Instagram, Ninety One now 25% more cat stepdaddy enabled

but also the guys have always taken (and been able to take) a pretty healthy attitude towards dating. AZ was public about having a girlfriend in 2017-18, then later fans asked Alem if he was dating Veronika (who was working in some capacity for Juz at the time) and he said, “Well, yeah,” and they’ve been a public joy ever since. as someone who remembers the utter shitstorm that was dumped on Myungsoo’s head for dating in late 2013, let me tell you, this feels so much saner

btw Infinite and Ninety One have next to nothing in common besides being male idol groups but: the supposed “visual” is a giant weeb who is forever randomly taking naps (and/or playing way too much Dota 2) and gives every impression of not actually believing this whole nonsense about him being attractive and just wants everybody to be happy and also he has the strangest sneeze noise imaginable and a nonzero percentage of Q-Eaglez think he might be from another planet, does any of this sound familiar

also “maknae on top” I swear Bala is on a barely concealed quest to dominate the entire group, if you break music and lyrics credits out separately he might have more than anyone else now

related: Bala’s face. Sadly I can’t spend all day giving you additional evidence in GIF form but BALA’S FACE

their staged scripted reality shows include episodes where they confront their haters with love and win them over by playing paintball (and Alem was concerned that paintball was too violent)

their unstaged unscripted reality shows consist of a great deal of bilingual yelling

oh yeah do you like linguistic rabbit holes? HOO BOY. these guys (ZaQ especially, but not exclusively) have done a lot of thinking about what it means to speak/sing in Kazakh instead of Russian, and the implications not just for them and their sales/careers but for their country. like there is an entire documentary on the Kazakh language just released in which they appear and I haven’t even seen it yet because I want to finish going through the subs of the interview with the documentary maker in which they switch between Russian and Kazakh and discuss the implications of switching

their latest video, which a fellow Eaglez described as “what in the shinee hell”

I haven’t brought up the actual music yet because I’m not sure what your tastes lean towards; this is the song I consider their best but you might prefer this or this. this is the best song they’ve released this year and here is their most recent We Shall Don Suits and Then Take Over the World effort.

but if you have time for only one MV make it this one, for its combination of resilience + refusal of self-pity + goofiness + social commentary.

but keep in mind this is the group which, when faced with the pandemic and the damage it wrecked on their country’s economy and the departure of the member who was everyone’s default bias, responded with, well clearly this is when we do the epic party jam whose chorus turns entirely on Kazakh-Spanish punning!

I have also not brought up the lore (where “lore” = roughly a century and a half worth of Kazakhstani history) because it’s not strictly necessary, you have a ways to travel before you need to concern yourself with questions such as Who Was Premier Kunaev and Why Did the Dudes Feel the Need to Tell Everyone They’d Borrowed His Car. but suffice to say if you like the idea of learning about a country and a culture through a pop group this one’s pretty damn rich

if wading into the ocean of nonmusical content I would recommend this video, which is 60% them struggling with trivia questions (+ AZ knowing his solar system) and 40% them waxing philosophical about education and finding your own career path

one more thing that won’t be immediately apparent: they’re simultaneously one of the biggest pop groups in Kazakhstan right now and... underdogs? but when they got started they were accused of being Satanic and too effeminate, to the point that they were regularly being dragged into fistfights. (there’s an entire docudrama about this, which is actually grim and not terribly enjoyable, I only recommend it to completists) also their concerts were getting cancelled under mysterious circumstances. that was 2016; it is now 2022 and their concerts are still getting messed with under mysterious circumstances, as I write this they’re having trouble with bureaucrats in Atyrau

and back to the are-they-jerks question: the opposition has definitely been fueled by homophobia, which is much more standard in Kazakhstan than it is in the US/Canada/Australia/western Europe, and under such circumstances it would be understandable (if regrettable) if they joined in on the gay-bashing, but as far as I know (and there’s a lot I don’t know!) they never have. when reading homophobic hate comments after debut they laughed them off. while they themselves are all straight (occasionally going to the trouble of posting “We’re straight!!!” on Telegram, I don’t know what prompted that) and tend to act as if their fanboys universally are too, they have never shied away from including said fanboys in their Eaglez spotlights

and I will stop here, this has gone on long enough, here’s all the song reviews if you need them, suffice to say they are entertaining dudes who I do believe are trying to do good in the world with their work. yell back any time

[sole-supernova-sophont]

Introduction

Hello there ~ I'm a supervillain and your worst nightmare. I'm here to reblog things that resemble me and post my evil monologues of doom and destruction.

Automechanosexual, alterhuman, plural, and utterly unstoppable. Anti-Normality in all its facets and features. Your mechanical abomination lover. If you find yourself ever having to speak in fearful whispers and disgusted horror pertaining to my existence, please deign to use it/its or he/him pronouns ~

It's okay and even pleasing to me if you think of me as a fictional character (I am), as long as you remember I'm also real.

I mark my posts unrebloggable and rarely tag for headmates' comfort.

Don't try to involve me in discourse unless I engage with you first. I shall block and ignore with great glee and reckless abandon.

Any radfems/terfs trying to engage with me will be blocked. I vehemently support trans people.

Original posts can be found under "#supernova villainously monologues" (when I remember).

Positions which I may discuss on my blog:

Atheist and anti-theist. The cutest little believers always welcome on my blog, however- religious trauma sufferers always welcome far more. I do not respect your beliefs. <3

In an ideal world, anyone would be able to act in any weird and harmless way you can make your little brain envision and not be treated with any less respect in any way by all who meet them.

Personal moral value isn't real and also cringe. "Ohhhh noooo a living sentient thinking consciousness can totally be objectively good or bad for reaaaal i sweaaaaar :(" Are you even hearing yourself? Pathetic

If a supervillain eats the president then that supervillain should be president.

[yanderecandystore]

Could you please do a fanfic for a male version of Yandere! Lady Dimitrescu (from Resident Evil Village game) with the reader.

I really like the Resident Evil franchise but I'm too lazy to know what the hell is happening in the older games XD I'm so sorry about that-

I loved watching playthroughs of Resident Evil Village (can't buy the game ;-;), but I felt like it was a bit empty, idk- I felt like the lords weren't really explored enough.

Also the Duke is the best husbando in the whole game- Fight me! >:3

TW/Tags: GN = Gender Neutral, I normally forget to properly name it when it's gender neutral, most of the time I just say "reader" // maybe ooc // lazy genderbent, I'm terrible with names // size difference // servant reader // mentions of gore/cuts/bruises/blood and deaths (and torture- I'm so sorry-) // reader gets hurt // mentions of vomiting

It's Dinner Already [Yandere!M!Dimitrescu x GN!Reader - Short Fanfiction]

It's dinner time already, unfortunately for you, of course.

It feels almost like a routine at this point- Which in a way, it is! You always take care of your tasks during the day, while dreading the inevitable time for dinner to arrive again.

Everyday, at this exact same hour, you and the other servants would prepare a meal for Lord Dimitrescu and his lovely… Sons…

As someone who has started "working" for their family only a month ago, you can positively say: Starving in the cold woods next to your village would have probably been a more merciful death than the ones you have witnessed at this place. You weren't as accustomed to such brutal executions at your village, actually you hardly even witnessed so much death, at least not so up close.

When you came here, you didn't expect to be instantly comforted and treated with respect- You were a commoner looking for an possibility to thrive in a noble's house, you were basically an easy target for any entitled selfish lord to easily belittle you and make you work for them until your hands would turn to dust. Yet nothing could have prepared you for such an odd situation.

Vampires. Monsters. Fiends if you were bold enough to insult them. You weren't exactly welcomed as much as you were snatched in and now forever trapped inside this castle. You can still hear their laughter… Their insane expressions of pure glee, the way they have bursted into maliciously laughing at your pain as you screamed for help trying to open up their door again and be free from that nightmare.

The chase didn't last even a second, they stabbed your legs with their scythes and brought you deeper inside this hellhole, as you cried your eyeballs out. The sons had brought you back inside so their father could take a look at the "intruder".

An absolute titan amongst the mortals. His height was only a sick reminder of how much power he had over the castle, over his sons, and now- Over you.

He may not have been as massive as he was threatening as you remind him to be, but at the time you were just in awe of his height considering you have never seen someone as tall and as mighty.

Then again- You have never seen vampires as well. Were they the same vampires as the books you've read as a kid? You weren't so sure of it…

You were hoping that if you begged for life and for forgiveness for having disturbed their peace, that they could spare you and let you go back to your village. Sadly enough, you commented on how you were only trying to look for a job as a servant.

You probably shouldn't have given them ideas, but it's too late to think about your mistakes now, however.

The sons begged to see your blood spilled, yet Lord Dimitrescu was merciful enough to grant you your "wish", as he said.

It has been a month ever since you were trapped inside and forced to work as a miserable little servant, and even if you didn't suffer the worst forms of punishments that they had in-store for you, you couldn't help but fantasize about just running away and never turning back.

You're so tired of this castle, of the smell of carnage, of the undeserved and over the top punishments, and especially of the people who would subjugate you to such things.

But at last, it's dinner time already, and you can't keep them waiting.

You feel your hands shaking as you walk out of the kitchen and into the dining room where the masters of the castle were so graciously waiting for you. You know what they're waiting for- But you can't let them distract you, for those that commit accidents are faced with fates worse than death.

Although you would rather do this process quickly, you can't afford mistakes to happen, so you take your time to set not only their meal in front of each one but to also pour "wine" into their glasses. You do all of this without looking directly into their eyes, only bowing down to each one and saying "excuse me"s in what they would call a "decent tone", as the smell of their disgusting beverage starts to irritate your nostrils. If you didn't know the main ingredient to Sanguis Virgins is, you probably wouldn't have this immense disgust over it, but right now just the thought of it makes you want to gag.

Only villains could so easily drink blood, and still make a living out of it.

Your internal thoughts of pure hatred against this whole situation almost completely blinded you to the fact that they were eerily, very quiet.

….

On most nights they would be talking with each other while occasionally making comments about you or your presence. Obviously they were all pretty nasty comments that they somehow expected you to back it up in some way or another, it's when they try to insert you into their conversation that makes you hate this occasion so badly, but it normally ends as quickly as it begins.

But as you are pouring wine to Lord's Dimitrescu, you notice that they haven't said a single thing while you were there. You stop what you're doing as you realize that they were silently observing you this whole time, and as you look into their expressions you come to think that maybe you have messed up-

Somehow, in some way or form, you may have messed up- And the fact this mistake could cost your head only agitates your already very worried mind.

….

A small moment of silence continues before the middle son, Cassandro, starts to chuckle in an almost innocent way- As if he was a kid who just said a bad word for the first time- And as he bursts into sudden laughter, Daniel leans towards Bello and loudly whispers:

"- I told you, they do this every time." To which Bello only replied with:

"- It's almost like hypnosis in a way."

The three sons were mesmerized by your ability to trap yourself in your own mind. They're probably aware that you do this as a defensive mechanism but they still find it comical in a weird way. You feel yourself get more tense as you look up at Lord Dimitrescu and see him staring back at you, with an unreadable expression across his face.

Before you could come up with an excuse to whatever you may have caused to disturb their dinner, the Lord himself spoke.

"- How inappropriate. As my sons, you three should know better than to laugh at our servant's airheaded mind-"

And as he said that, their smiles begin to disappear and be replaced with frowns and a bit of shame as they become stiff at their father's words.

"- And how inappropriate of you, too. To be so distracted in the presence of your masters, that's quite rude don't you think?"

But as he continued their bodies begin to relax once again as they realize he wasn't focusing on them- He was focusing on you.

Words have completely disappeared from your vocabulary as you start to think that maybe you won't be able to see another day after their meal is over. You try to mumble some possible responses before getting interrupted by him once again.

"- It's very rude, so very rude in fact that I think we deserve some answers. What were you so distracted about? What were you thinking that could have possibly taken over your small little head?"

Right now, he was sounding a bit condescending, thankfully not as angry as he would have been with the other servants right about now. Every little mistake was used as excuses for punishments- And if you were walking on thin ice before, right now you are one-step closer to breaking this entire lake and getting yourself killed by the freezing temperatures of the water below you.

Thanks to your luck (or maybe lack thereof, depending on how you see this) Daniel came to "your rescue" by coming up with an excuse for you.

"- Maybe they were hungry." He said without any indications of it being a joke or a lie- As the youngest yet craziest of the bunch, he always had that weird "naive yet dangerous" energy coming from him. He was naive enough to make that statement when it's very clear that you actually despise being near them, but he still was a son of Dimitrescu.

You know better than to underestimate any of these people.

The Lord didn't seem completely convinced as he side eyed Daniel who was blissfully eating his meal without acknowledging his dad's glance or his brother's looks of disapproval.

Without a warning you were pulled closer by your wrist and forced into sitting next to the Lord, who made a sign for another servant to bring you your food. This… Doesn't feel right at all, you're waiting for the worst to come yet you don't feel like you can ever prepare yourself enough for what they have in store.

"- M-My Lord- This isn't needed, I'm fine. I'll just continue my duties, if you can excuse me-" You plead, while trying to get up from your chair.

"- Oh but what host would I be if I didn't take better care of my guests? Poor thing, you must be starving if you can barely serve us wine-" And as his tone gets progressively more sarcastic and a bit louder, you can hear his sons snickering from the other side of the table, but you can't see them since you can't take your eyes away from him.

You're worried that if you look away for just one second, that you may not be able to see ever again.

"- It's so sad when one of our guests feels hungry- What's worse is when we are also very, very hungry."

"- Thirsty, even!"

"- Oh, I can feel my throat drying just at the thought of such misery!- Our dinner seems to be ruined."

You hear their whispers, you hear how they are clearly joking about this- How overly dramatic they're being over something so miniscule as you just- Ignoring them.

Let me remind you this is all because you refuse to look them in the eyes, that you refuse to give them any satisfaction for the heinous things they have done! You've seen so many people get hurt inside this castle only for their sick and twisted thirst and entertainment.

"- Indeed, my boys. My appetite is ruined, though dinner is not over yet-" Lord Dimitrescu spoke as he looked at his sons clearly enjoying your inevitable pain, but before he could continue he turns himself to you again, putting a hand on your arm and saying:

"- Wouldn't you agree?" Loud enough so that his sons could hear it, but soft enough to send the tiniest shivers down your spine.

"- …!"

"- No, no- Please, not again!-" He wouldn't dare do this, would he??

But before you could react he had already done it, you barely noticed how fast he had grabbed that knife to slice your wrist- His hand firmly gripping your arm as he made a deep enough cut so that your blood could be easier to access.

It somehow hurts just as badly as the first time his sons have stabbed your ankles and dragged you across the floor- At least you're not bumping into things like before, and even if it's a deep cut it's not as big as it could be if he used his claws to actually do this.

Oh, oh those claws- You almost thought he would use them on you… Those were something else. You can't remember exactly what happened, and why it happened, but you remember seeing him use those on another servant who may have crossed the line at some point.

Well "crossed the line"- More like "casually inconvenienced him". Lord Alcino may act like an incredibly high noble but he acts so childishly and in such an egotistical manner that you are surprised he can even have a castle like this in the first place! You don't remember what the servant has done to be so cruelly dismantled, but you don't doubt that it was for a stupid reason!

You miss that servant actually- Probably the only person who you actually talked with, and the first one to actually taught you how to do your job… You two could have been friends if he didn't intervene.

You briefly remember those moments before getting to experience the most weird sensation of all- Having your bloody cut be licked and sucked on. It hurts and it stings in a way that not only makes you want to cry but to also gag at the thought of you feeding this monster.

You refuse to look at him even in this scenario, you refuse to see him feeding off your blood… Sometimes you wish you were just as poisonous as some species of frogs, poisonous enough to make his mouth burn so he can experience a fraction of the pain he causes to others.

You tried fleeting away, you tried getting up and moving away but his grip on your arm only helped you in getting closer to him- You have your eyes closed as your only option is to cry and muffle your agony.

But as always, he is not satisfied with you just ignoring him. This was supposed to be a lesson, yet you're clearly avoiding your teacher as best as you can- But not today, little flower, you're not getting out of this so easily.

This is the first time he ever got to really taste your blood, as normally you would be behind the other servants while trying to learn how to please him, the only moments where he gets to see you is when it's dinner time, but oh- You're just so cruel!

Escaping inside your own little head while he has to content himself with just your image. Your presence is very much appreciated around this hour, little one-

He has noticed this before, of course, but it was only when he noticed his son's curiosity over the way you behave around them that made him organize this little trap. He didn't have everything planned actually, his plan only involved getting to this moment no matter what- And oh boy, has luck been on his side!

Your blood tastes better than expected of a commoner, your delicate and fearful whines of pain are just as delightful but what really gets him is this tough persona you try to convince everyone you have- You despise him, and it's clear to see why- But he knows his charms will probably work on you one way or the other.

He gripped your face trying to make sure you'll get to him in the eyes as he has a taste of you. Absolutely delicious, especially after you so gracefully "ruined" their dinner.

His sons were just watching as they continued to drink from their crimson glasses. They were just enjoying the show, as everything seems to easily amuse them- Their father was just showcasing how they were so much better than the common folk, and they have no other option but to take notes and to remember what they have to do if they ever feel ignored by the servants in the castle: Show who are the true masters of this place.

None of them were really interested in drinking from you, considering how all three seemed to recognize how their father has taken a liking towards you. No one would dare mess with their father's prey.

If you had enough strength in you, you would start vomiting as soon as this has started, but the more he takes from you the more you feel like you can barely stay conscious.

He wasn't supposed to take so much, at least not so soon- He wanted to just take a sip but he can't deny the fact he would rather drown himself in your blood than to let go.

He sighs, as he notices that you're slowly getting less and less aggressive, getting more and more tired as he drains you from this cut.

You're not unconscious yet, just barely stable enough to understand what's going on.

"- Sigh… Now that was a decent enough meal." He can't praise you for being tasty, can't have you being cocky around him.

"- Here, since I'm done here I'll take you to the servant's living quarters- And because I'm so kind I'll make sure that wound is safely secured and cleaned, so here- Come along now."

And as he stood up he offered you his hand so you could get up yourself, but you don't have enough energy to walk yourself to your room, thankfully you're already ready to go to bed and wish to never wake up again.

And as the nightmare never ends, he decides that if you are going to be difficult then you leave him no choice but to carry you there. How much has he taken from you?? Jesus, he should learn some self-control before doing this again- The absolute brute that he is.

Your vision may be a little screwed over because of the lack of red cells running through your body at the moment- But you have a weird feeling that you two aren't heading towards the servant's living quarters, as you feel like you two are quite literally going in the opposite direction.

Oh but it's fine- Right?

It'll be fine. Surely. After all, he already took what he wanted from you, and he doesn't seem to need more so- You probably won't have to worry about anything right now, dinner time is already over, you can finally relax now….

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

So I'm sick again- Sorry y'all, I just have a horrible immune system and I really don't understand what is wrong with me-

I'm sorry if you didn't like this boo :(

[gay-otlc]

This Is Where We're Supposed To Be

Apparently I wrote an 11K Delivvy fic. You're welcome. And also sorry in advance

Summary: But the thing about Della was, no matter how much Livvy tried to run, it was damn near impossible to stay away.

@thatonechandelier @countingthestarsaboveourheads @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @an-ungraeceful-swan @books-over-boys @if-only-wishes-were-answered @be-sapphic-do-crime I believe these are the people who asked to be tagged.

Warnings for cursing, homophobia, some blood/injuries but nothing graphic

Read on AO3

Livvy would have liked to think that the first time ce talked to the most beautiful girl ce'd ever seen was romantic and eloquent, but no, cer brain decided to shut down that day. Ce was a level six at foxfire, and technically, Della talked to cer instead of the other way around. Livvy mostly just stammered and nodded. It was a normal day of eating lunch and bitching about history homework, when ce felt a tap on cer shoulder and spun around to see none other than Della Vacker, with her brown skin and red lips and shimmering violet dress and…

”Earth to Livvy. Della just asked you a question,” Tiergan said, not looking up from drawing Prentice in the margins of the essay xe was supposed to be writing. Livvy blushed and snapped to attention, thinking this was off to a fantastic start, but maybe ce could save the situation by saying something super smooth.

What came out of cer mouth was not something super smooth. What came out of cer mouth was ”Um. Hi. I’m Livvy.”

Beside her, Elwin chuckled and ce prayed for the ground to swallow cer whole. Della’s mouth quirked into a smile. “I hear you’re good at biology?”

With tremendous effort, ce forced out the words “I’m okay at it.”

”Don’t sell yourself short, you’re a freaking genius,” Elwin jumped in. Cer face was probably on fire, even though they weren't wrong. Ce didn't like to brag, but... that wasn't even true! Ce loved to brag! Just yesterday ce was laughing in Alden's face that ce'd scored higher on the test than him! Somehow, now ce was feeling self conscious? What?

Running a hand through her hair, Della asked “Would you be willing to help me with it? It’s my worst subject and my parents are starting to get on my case about midterms.”

Was this… like… real? Breathless, ce managed to say ”Yeah! Sure!”

”Cool! Would after school tomorrow work?”

Too panicked to speak, ce nodded.

”Okay, I’ll see you then.” Her smile grew wider as she waved and glided away.

Livvy waited for her to be out of earshot before turning back to cer friends scattered around the table. “What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.”

”You okay there, Dr. Lesbian?” Cyrah asked, grinning.

Like they were the only words left in cer vocabulary, ce repeated “What the fuck.”

Tiergan snorted. “Della Vacker, huh?”

”Shut up.”

”You’re still staring in her direction,” Cyrah added helpfully.

”Shut up,” Livvy snapped, already counting down the minutes to their study date.

___

Somehow, those minutes crawled by at a snail's pace of tossing and turning in bed, of paying zero attention in class and doodling D+L one too many times in cer notebook. When the bell finally rang, ce jumped out of the Universe class with a speed usually reserved for claiming the last slice of mallowmelt. It was a wonder ce didn't crash into anyone on cer way to meet Della at her locker. Despite cer speed, Della was already there when Livvy arrived, somehow looking graceful even while lugging a backpack that must have weighed a ton. Ce must have gotten slightly more eloquent since the last time they saw one another, because cer voice sounded steady on what ce hoped was a casual "Hey."

Her locker clicked shut. "Hi."

"So..." Oh, there was that on-brand disaster lesbian inability to form words. "Where do you want to study?"

"I was thinking my house?" And as if that hadn't already sold Livvy, she added "I baked ripplefluffs last night, and we can have some once I we finish. I find ripplefluffs to be very motivational when I'm studying."

She had a point, and Livvy's heart beat faster at the thought. Over at Della's house? It sounded exciting initially, but the more ce thought about it, the more ce realized ce would probably make a fool of cerself. But the ripplefluffs did sound really good, and Della needed cer help, so... "Alright. I have to go grab my things from my locker, but yeah, I'll meet you there."

"Great! It's called Lumiere." Della waved and turned around towards the leapmaster. Livvy spun in the other direction, nearly running to cer locker, and cer best friend who was now cer source of romantic advice, against their will.

"Elwin! Help!"

Elwin buried their face in their hands. "What did you do this time? Don't you have a study date with Della?"

"Yeah, I'm about to go over to her house and I don't want to fuck this up! What the fuck do I do? How does one talk to a girl? It would be nice if I knew how to flirt, but I would honestly just settle for not making myself look like a complete and total idiot. What am I doing?" Ce rested cer forehead against the cold metal of the locker.

Their hand settled on cer shoulder. "You're asking me for romantic advice? Livvy, I'm aroace."

"You're also my best friend! It's your job to get me out of messes I create!"

"I'm pretty sure I did not sign up for that. But... just... be yourself, I guess?"

"I can't be myself! Myself is an awkward trainwreck!"

"Maybe Della has a thing for awkward trainwrecks. And anyway, if she doesn't like you, that's her loss."

"I guess?"

They gave cer a thumbs up. "You got this, Dr. Lesbian."

___

Dr. Lesbian did not have this, ce realized upon arriving at Lumiere. It looked... very fancy. A house for a princess, where awkward trainwrecks were generally not invited. Ce stood frozen for a moment after ringing the doorbell before it swung open and Della came into sight. "Livvy! Come on in." For a horrifying second, it felt like cer legs wouldn't work, but ce managed eventually. The two made it to the foot of the stairs before a man approached. Judging by the resemblance, Della's father.

"Radelle?"

Radelle?

"Livvy's helping me with biology. We were just going up to study now."

Della's father turned to Livvy and nodded. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," ce replied, resisting the urge to hide behind Della. Everything about him screamed intimidating, such a contrast to Livvy's own father, who was full of laughter and terrible puns. Ce couldn't imagine growing up with him like Della had. Maybe he seemed warmer once you got to know him, but Della was hugging her chest like she wanted to disappear into herself, so maybe not. Then, as if coming out of a trance, her posture straightened and she grabbed Livvy's hand, pulling cer to the staircase.

They were holding hands.

Livvy prided cerself on not having a heart attack.

When they arrived at her room, Della gestured to the stack of papers on her meticulously organized desk. "That's what we're studying. I understand just about none of it." Livvy glanced over and launched into an explanation, beginning to bounce on cer toes as enthusiasm took over. Was that nerdy? Yes, but this was interesting to cer! Della nodded along as ce spoke.

"Okay, I think I get it?"

With another look at the worksheet, ce asked one of its practice problems. Della thought for a moment before answering correctly.

"Great!"

Della smiled. “You’re really good at this," she said, her eyes wide and she was staring right at cer and- "Like. Really good.”

Ce scratched the back of cer neck. "Thanks… I’m planning on being a doctor, so it wouldn’t be great if I couldn’t do this shit." Cue the awkward laugh.

"Well, I think you’ll be great at it." And the kindness written into her face, the genuine smile curling across, somehow hurt to look at. Like Della was the sun, like she was too bright. Accepting compliments, without the jokingly overdone flourish ce loved so much, seemed almost... dangerous. Admitting something was important to cer, bringing it in close to cer heart, felt like inviting some cruel outside force to come take it away. Admitting, even to cerself, that ce cared and hoped, meant opening up to the possiblity that ce could get hurt. Which was definitely not something ce wanted to do.

So, Livvy cleared cer throat and changed the subject. "What do you want to do? After graduation?”

"I’ll probably end up a trophy wife and give birth to some powerful children." Her eyes dropped from cer and fixed on the ground.

With the homework all but abandoned, Livvy took a tiny step closer and softly asked "That’s what you want to do?"

"That’s what I’m supposed to do. What I want doesn’t matter." Della shook her head roughly, and a coil of her perfect hair fell out of place, swinging across her eyes.

Livvy leaned further still and tucked the hair behind her ear. "It does." Their noses were almost touching. "It does matter."

"Tell that to my parents," Della snorted.

"Okay. I will."

"You'll- what?"

Della might have said something else, too, but Livvy's feet led cer out the door before ce could hear. Who the hell did Della's parents think they were? Without cer noticing, cer hands curled into fists. Ce probably should not punch Della's parents. That wouldn't exactly be a great first impression, and might be a little extreme. But damn, it was tempting. Channeling the voice of a disappointed Lady Erica, ce marched into the kitchen and said, in a voice dripping with sarcastic politeness, "Lord Vacker."

Hopefully that was the right title. Gendered titles were exceptionally stupid and Livvy tried hard to not keep track of any of them.

"Livvy, was it? What brings you here?"

"Just came to inform you that you seem like a really shitty father." His jaw dropped, but before he could get a word in, ce continued. "You taught your daughter that what she wants doesn't matter! That's awful! What she wants absolutely matters! She's a person, and a pretty incredible person at that, not just someone you can control to get what you want. That's all, thank you for your time."

Ce spun around, ready to go back to tutoring Della, and instead walked into her.

"What the hell?" she whispered, and Livvy noticed with a start there were tears in her eyes. She all but ran towards the stairs, and ce followed.

"Someone needed to tell him that, and you clearly weren't going to."

"Well... I... thank you."

"Any time." After dropping the eye contact ce'd been holding for longer than was strictly necessary, ce dropped cer gaze to the floor. "I'd better get going... you think you're okay with the bio stuff?"

Della nodded. "Thanks to you. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow." Livvy waved and then immediately proceeded to cringe. "Bye!" ce yelped, leaving as quickly as possible without running. As soon as ce was out the door, ce blurted into the silence "What the fuck?"

___

"Spill the tea," Cyrah demanded, leaning forward and resting her chin on her hands.

"You're all so embarrassing," Livvy whined.

Prentice mimicked Cyrah's pose. "I don't hear you spilling the tea."

In a deadpan, ce said "We kissed."

Cyrah's jaw dropped. "Holy shit!" she shrieked, turning half the heads in the cafeteria.

"Before you left you were freaking out about the prospect of having a conversation with her, did you really work up the nerve to kiss her after that gay panic?" Elwin asked.

Livvy snickered. "No. That did not happen. I just wanted to see Cyrah's face. And it was hilarious, thank you."

"You monster! I trusted you! I-"

"What actually happened?" Prentice interrupted.

"We did hold hands."

"And you didn't faint?"

Ce glared at Tiergan. "No, for your information, I didn't. And then she complimented me! And complimented me again when I tried to deflect it! I don't know how to accept compliments, you guys, what was I supposed to say? So I just kinda coughed and changed the subject. Apparently her father is a dickhead and I yelled at him. She thanked me. Then I left. Is this tea good enough for you?"

"Fantastic, thank you," said Cyrah, nodding.

"Happy to provide you with tales of my lonely gay love life."

___

All week, the memory of Della's hand in cers carried Livvy through the worst of the boring classes, helped by the occasional longing glances in the hallways. It wasn't quite enough for cer, which was why one might think ce would be happy to have Della come back over to cer lunch table, but no. Ce nearly spat out cer lushberry juice. Thank goodness ce didn't. Maybe the universe was a tiny bit on cer side. "What brings you here?" Livvy asked once ce regained the ability to speak.

Della twisted her hands together. "Well, basically, having you really over really helped a lot last time and I was wondering if that would be something you'd be willing to do again? Maybe tomorrow afternoon? I mean, you totally don't have to if you don't want to, but... I think it would be nice. Sorry." It had never crossed Livvy's mind that this could be nerve wracking for Della, too. Probably not because she found cer pretty or anything, but maybe Della just wasn't the type to like asking for help.

"Yeah sure I'd love to," Livvy blurted, earning a smooth from Prentice. Ce flipped him off.

"Great!"

"I'll have to ask my parents for sure, I guess I'll hail you once I find a time that works?"

Della nodded. "See you soon!"

Staring at the rest of the group and pointedly not staring at Della as she walked away, Livvy hissed "What am I going to do?" No one had an answer then, nor did they have an answer the next day when ce demanded to meet up at Rochellevé Coffee to ramble about a certain pretty Vacker, for thirty minutes gay. Everyone was being entirely unhelpful. Livvy slammed cer hands on the table. “What am I supposed to say to her!?”

“Tell her everything you’ve screamed at us this last half hour,” Tiergan offered, xyr focus mostly on his coffee.

That was the most embarrassing scenario imaginable. “No!”

“Fine, then I’ll tell her, I’m sure she’ll find it adorable.”

“If you do that, I will actually kill you.”

Tiergan only shrugged.

Throwing him a disapproving look, Cyrah said “We won’t tell her how cute you get panicking yet, but it’d be a great story to tell at your wedding.”

”At our- what? We won’t- what?!”

Cyrah scoffed. “Please. You guys will totally start dating and I look forward to shoving popcorn into my mouth as it happens.”

Throwing cer hands up, Livvy declared “I hate you all.”

Elwin smiled. “We love you too, Dr. Lesbian.”

”If you want actual advice,” Prentice cut in before Livvy could keep yelling at cer dumbass friends. “Try complimenting her hair. And give her candy.”

”You sure?”

”Well, considering I’m the only person here who a, likes girls and b, is not laughing at you, you kind of have no choice but to listen to me.”

Ce sighed. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“Luckily, it’s a pretty rare occurrence,” said Tiergan, grinning.

Prentice spun around to face him. “Okay, first of all, fuck you-”

”Want to buy her some prattles?” Elwin interrupted.

”Does she like prattles?”

”Does anyone not like prattles?”

Livvy considered. “Good point, I’ll go buy some.”

At the checkout desk, the woman working took a glance at cer purchase and smiled. “Good luck with this girl.” Ce flamed bright red and snatched the candy, nearly sprinting away. Behind cer, Elwin chuckled.

“Good luck with this girl,” they repeated, giving a thumbs up. Livvy sighed and started on cer way to Della’s house.

___

Della opened the door and waved cer in frantically. “I don’t think my father would be thrilled to see you, so hurry up.”

“I’m surprised he let me come back.”

“Yeah, he didn’t want me to invite my ‘rude friend’ over, but I need the help in bio and he knows it, so I got him to agree. Come on, let’s get to my room.”

Livvy sat on the desk rather than the chair, as queers do, and dug around in cer pockets. “I have prattles for when we finish, so let’s try to learn this shit quickly.”

“You’ve inspired me to work hard,” Della said solemnly, and sat quietly save for a few questions as Livvy rattled off every fact ce knew about the elf immune system. There were a lot. “You seem super enthusiastic about this,” she said finally, when Livvy paused for air.

Ce blushed. “Sorry.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize, it’s nice. So.” She glared at her worksheet, spinning the pencil around graceful fingers. Livvy would definitely drop it if ce tried that, but she made it look easy. Her tongue poked out from the corner of her mouth as she scribbled something down. Livvy had to remind cerself not to stare at her mouth. “White blood cells, wooo,” she cheered, voice monotone.

“Hey, white blood cells are important!"

“Yeah, but they’re giving me a headache right now.”

“Just think of the candy, that’ll get you through.” Ce thought back to cer mortifying conversation with cer friends. “Your hair looks nice, by the way.” Which was definitely the truth, with the braid she’d put it in and the light glinting off of it.

Della’s eyes widened. “Oh! Thanks!”

Nailed it.

She only needed to ask Livvy one question before scribbling her last answer with a flourish and slamming her pencil down. “Finished! Give me those prattles!”

With a laugh, ce handed one over and took one for cerself. “Enjoy, you’ve earned it.”

As she took a small bite, her face melted to a satisfied smile. It seemed Livvy- or Elwin, ce supposed, they deserved most of the credit- was right in assuming she liked prattles. Livvy ate cer own, smiling just as wide. When they both finished, they looked at their pins. "A tomple, not bad," Della said. "What’s you get?” Livvy showed her. “Holy shit- you got a unicorn! I would kill to have one of those!”

“I’ll trade you,” Livvy offered. Before the words came out, ce had no idea they would, but ce didn’t regret them. Especially once ce saw the delight sparkling in Della’s eyes.

“Really?! You’d do that?”

Ce nodded. “Yeah, I have one already, so it’s no big deal. And considering the ungodly amount of these things I eat, I’ll get another soon enough.”

“Wow, I… thank you!” She scooped it up from cer palm, causing cer to freeze as their skin made contact. Then the moment, if it could really be called that, vanished, and ce took the tomple pin from Della.

“Yeah, no problem! I’m guessing it would be received well if I brought prattles again when I came by next week?”

The smile on her face was answer enough before Della said “I’d like that.”

Ce didn’t want to leave, not quite yet. So ce searched for conversation to fill the silence. Eventually cer mind settled on “How come you didn't ask Lady Erica for help? Not that I mind tutoring you, but it seems like she'd be better at it."

"Honestly, she kind of scares me."

Livvy barked a laugh. "Same. But how come I don't scare you? I'll have you know that I am very intimidating."

"You're not intimidating, you're pretty cute."

What came out of Livvy's mouth was unclear. Maybe a squeak? Ce would prefer not to talk about it. So, trying very very hard not to read too much into that cute and get cer hopes up, ce cracked cer knuckles and said "Excuse me! I am terrifying. Quinlin tried to kiss me once and I punched him in the face. Broke his nose. Now he hides behind Alden whenever he sees me. I am badass."

"That is pretty badass," Della agreed, and ce couldn't help blushing at the amazement her voice held. "Not a fan of people trying to kiss you, huh?"

And ce couldn't stop cerself. "Not a fan of boys trying to kiss me. If a pretty girl asked, I would say yes in a heartbeat." A moment after realizing what ce just said, ce pointedly looked anywhere other than the pretty girl she would say yes in a heartbeat if asked to kiss. "I think I have to get home, bye!" Ce could not get out of there fast enough. (Ce wanted to go back.)

___

The next day at lunch, Cyrah demanded to know “What happened this time?”

“Well… I told her I like girls.” Elwin held their hand up for a high five, and ce obliged. “And about that time I punched Quinlin. She looked impressed.”

“It was impressive,” Prentice agreed.

Tiergan smiled fondly. “Alden looked just about ready to kill you, though, for hurting his boyfriend.”

“They’re not dating,” said Elwin.

“I mean… they’re not not dating.”

In an uncanny imitation of Alden's voice, Prentice said “Of course they’re not dating, Tiergan, they’re just cognates! It’s not gay if you’re cognates!”

“Making out with a guy seems pretty gay.”

Livvy grinned. “What if they say no homo first?”

Cyrah held her fingers close. “It’s a little homo.”

"What's a little homo?" Della said, sliding into the seat beside Livvy. Ce froze. "Livvy?"

"For your information, I'm more than a little homo," ce corrected.

Tiergan held up his hand at what had to be a mockery of cer five feet and two inches. "Well, in terms of height... you're a very little homo."

"Fuck you!"

"What's that? It's hard to hear you from all the way up here."

Everyone laughed, including Elwin- barely two inches taller than cer!- who at least had the decency to give cer a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. It became harder to hate all cer friends when ce noticed the mirth shining in Della's eyes, something ce wanted to see again and again and again. The conversation shifted around, from annoying mentors to whether Fintan and Bronte had dated; the verdict was a unanimous yes. It was impressive, how Della managed to slide into the group so effortlessly that ce was surprised to remember it hadn't always been this way.

"Thanks for letting me sit with you guys," said Della, as they stood to file back to classes. "I'm having kind of a fight with my usual crowd, so..." she shrugged.

"Yeah, no problem- you're welcome to sit with us whenever."

Ce didn't really expect Della to take cer up on that offer. But she did, sitting at their table more and more until it was nearly every day. To the point where Livvy's mother brought up celebrating the end of midterms with cer friends, and somehow, Della found her way on that list without cer even thinking about it at all. Ce was friends with Della Vacker; this information would absolutely stun the Livvy from two months ago, who could barely hold a conversation with her.

They were friends now, and that should have been good enough. It was incredible! Still, cer idiot lesbian of a self couldn't stop wondering, what if...

___

Midterms were over, finally, and Livvy was sorting through cer gifts; frog earrings from Elwin, a book of Sappho poetry from Tiergan, a camera from Prentice, and colorful beaded necklaces from Cyrah. Ce bit cer lip, hoping Della liked the earrings (not of the frog variety) Livvy got for her. Handwritten notes and a small gift weren't exactly the open declaration of love the butterflies in cer stomach seemed to think it was. Still... it felt like telling her that ce cared, maybe more than ce let on.

Like daydreaming thinking about Della had somehow summoned her, she appeared by cer side and nearly yelled "Livvy! Livvy, I got an A on the biology midterm!" There was no thinking involved, not even a hint of awareness as to what ce was doing, but ce cheered and leaned over to kiss Della on the cheek.

Her eyes widened.

Oh, shit, was the first coherent thought in cer head as ce realized what ce'd just done. "Um, congratulations! I gotta go thank Elwin for my gift!" Ce leapt up and ran over to them, nearly dragging them into the corner of a mostly empty hallway and screaming "Elwin, I kissed Della on the cheek!"

"Um... congratulations?"

Livvy sighed. They just didn't understand the terrible predicament this put cer in! Ce tried to explain. "No, this is bad. This is very bad. It's going to make everything so awkward between us, as if I hadn't made every conversation awkward enough already!"

"You'll be fine, Livvy," they said, giving cer what was probably meant to be a comforting smile.

"I guess." Ce sighed again. "Thank you for the frog earrings, by the way."

"I thought you'd like them. Thanks for the stuffed llama."

They grinned, and ce grinned back, and at least ce had a few weeks to avoid the crushing awkwardness of interacting with Della. The awkwardness returned as soon as ce got back from break, when Cyrah immediately asked "So, how's Delivvy going?"

Tiergan raised an eyebrow. "What is a Delivvy? Is that like a Tiertice?" Prentice turned bright red as Elwin muffled a snicker, and Livvy breathed a sigh of relief. If they were all laughing at Tiergan, they couldn't laugh at cer for how absolutely head over heels ce was for Della. Not that anything had happened. They'd called one another a few times, and ce'd even invited Della over for dinner once- to cer dismay, cer parents were hopelessly embarrassing- but their friendship was firmly in the platonic stage.

Cyrah rolled her eyes. "Our idiot friends aside, anything juicy to tell us?"

"Nothing juicy."

"Oh, make a move on her already."

"It's not my fault she's terrifying! Stop bothering me!"

"Ugh, but bothering you is so fun."

"Fuck off."

Elwin, apparently done teasing the other idiot gays, turned to Livvy and said "Have you told Cyrah about... what happened right after midterms?"

"I may or may not have kissed her on the cheek," ce muttered, looking firmly at the floor.

Cyrah gasped. "And then?"

"I ran away and screamed to Elwin."

"You disappoint me."

Yeah, Livvy was also disappointed, because maybe if ce'd stuck around a little longer something could have happened... or maybe it would have been awful. It probably would have been awful. Running away was completely the right decision. Della was scary, and crushes were scary, and Livvy should definitely keep running away.

___

"I'm filling out my matchmaking packet."

Dread settled into Livvy's stomach. "Oh?"

Somehow, Della didn't pick up on quite how loaded that oh was. "Would you be willing to come hang out with me while I figure it out? It sounds pretty boring and I could use a friend."

"Sure," ce said, although ce could not imagine a worse hell. And what a hell it was! Della brought out a stack of papers that looked thicker than cer history textbook, and that was seriously saying something. And every page of them asked about what kind of boys Della liked. Boys, boys, boys. Of course it was boys. And ce knew that their system was painfully straight, and that she was painfully pressured into following the system, but this... this felt too real.

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

GIRL HELP DELLAS FILLING OUT HER MATCHMAKING PACKET

from: dr aro

to: dr lesbian

am not girl cannot help

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

SERIOUSLY

THIS IS PAINFUL DJFSKJDSKDS

she's gonna marry a boy </3

from: dr aro

to: dr lesbian

that really sucks

i'm sorry

would a picture of an otter help?

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

ofc!!!

And it did bring a smile to cer face. But the smile fell quickly as Della asked "It's telling me to say what I find most attractive in men- I don't know what I find most attractive in men!"

"You think I'm any help?" ce tried to joke. "I'm not even attracted to men."

Della sighed. "I don't know. I guess... a sense of humor. And caring about me, and being willing to stand up for me." Her eyes flicked over to Livvy, before quickly shooting down to her paper. "I don't know. This doesn't seem romantic at all. They're just trying to check off boxes, and when I fall in love, I want it to be a little more... intimate." It was Livvy's turn to sneak a glance at her. Ce wanted to reach out and rest a hand on top of Della's. That was the worst possible thing ce could do right now. "Anyway. I guess I'll just come back to this part."

She kept flipping through. Ce kept keyboard smashing at Elwin. Finally, Della stood up. "I'm ready turn this in? Want to come with me to Atlantis?" And Livvy nodded. Some dumb part of cer brain got excited, and ce had to shut it down by remind cerself that this wasn't a date, this wasn't even close to a date, this was going with Della as she got matched with a boy and married him and not Livvy.

"This is exciting, huh?" ce said, trying not to let cer voice reveal just how very not excited ce felt.

"I guess." If Della was trying to make her voice not reveal how not excited she felt, she had just failed miserably. "Do you want to do this? Go through matchmaking, and everything?"

The thought simply did not compute in cer head, and just saying no didn't feel like enough, but ce did so anyway. "Do you?"

Della sighed. "I'm turning mine in right now, Livvy."'

"That's not a yes."

"I know it's not a yes, dammit!" She shoved it into the matchmaker's hand and walked away before Livvy can respond. How would ce even have responded? Could ce have talked Della out of doing this, maybe? Even if it was for selfish reasons, this wasn't what Della wanted either. But ce didn't think of anything wise to say, and Della had turned in her packet and left. The next day, she apologized for snapping, but refused to let Livvy bring it up again.

Which was good. The less ce thought about Della getting married to anyone that wasn't cer, the better.

___

It was the night of Della's winnowing gala, and Livvy was definitely not listening to sad music while imagining what it would be like to attend, to twirl Della around. Nope, not at all. Della was choosing a husband, and Livvy was perfectly fucking fine. Ce tried distracting cerself with whatever ce could- listening to Tiergan ramble about human music, helping Elwin decide which of two new stuffed animals to buy (the stegosaurus, obviously), and none of it fucking worked because ce was still thinking about Della.

Ce had finally decided to go to bed and wallow in cer misery, when the doorbell rang.

"Who the fuck is here this late?" ce muttered, glancing in the mirror to fix cerself up into "totally wasn't just having an unrequited lesbianism related breakdown" before scrambling downstairs to answer, and it was- it was Della, makeup smudged, hair out of place, bags under her eyes.

"Can I sleep over here tonight?"

Yes, ce wanted to say, but- "I'll have to check with my parents." They said yes, thankfully, and the pair went up to Livvy's room. Although ce knew full well this was a dangerous minefield to navigate and the answer would probably hurt, but ce couldn't resist asking, "How'd it go?

"My feet hurt like hell. Those shoes..." Della pulled a face. "As for the boys, my parents want me to marry Alden."

"Alden? Ugh, he's so annoying." And also gay for Quinlin, but ce didn't say that.

Della shrugged, "He's alright. And like I said, my parents really want us to get together."

"And you? Do you want that?"

For a long time, she said nothing. Then, finally- "I want to make my parents happy."

Wherever the fuck Lord and Lady Vacker were, Livvy wanted to go yell at them again. Or let cer fist do the talking. "I wish you would stop letting them control your li-"

"Can we just drop it? Please?" Something about the look in her eyes made Livvy agree, against cer better judgement. The conversation drifted to hair, to fashion, to classes. Anything easy and meaningless. Eventually, they settled down for the night, and Livvy played the more serious part of their conversation over again in cer head. Ce rolled over.

"You deserve to make yourself happy too," ce said to Della's back. She didn't respond. Maybe she was already asleep.

___

"Alden's thinking of proposing," Della said, lying on the grass.

She didn't make eye contact with Livvy, who sat bolt upright and exclaimed "He's what now?" For a moment, ce tried to imagine it. Della in a white dress, looking ethereal, holding a bouquet. Alden in a tuxedo, not a hair out of place, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. The two of them settling into a nice, normal, perfect picture of an elvin family. Ce imagined Della smiling at the wedding, the smile not quite reaching her eyes.

"I overheard him talking with Quinlin about it."

"Guess the surprise is ruined, then." It was too easy to keep a smile on cer face, play the role of a supportive best friend.

Della sat up and finally looked at Livvy. "I don't mind. It's nice to have a heads up, I suppose, so I don't have to decide on the spot."

This time, Livvy was the one to look away. "What are you going to say? Do you think?"

"I don't know. Probably yes. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him."

"Wouldn't mind," ce repeated. "How romantic. Do you really want to marry Alden? I've seen you look at a half-burnt ripplefluff with more love in your eyes than when you look at him, that can't be how you really want your future to look. What do you want? Who do you want?"

"You," Della whispered, and a tear slipped down her cheek. "Dammit, Livvy, I've wanted you all along."

This had to be a daydream. This had to be a daydream. Because Della was cer friend, and had been for a long time, but she'd never shown any indication of living a life outside of what heteronormative elvin society wanted. Livvy? Livvy was not what heteronormative elvin society wanted. And yet... and yet, there wasn't a trace of anything less than honesty written across Della's face, and this was real. Somehow, this was real. So ce reached out to take her hand. "I didn't think there was a hell you could want me back, not like... that."

"Well, you are a dumb lesbian."

Ce breathed a laugh. "That I am." Della stayed silent a moment longer. Never looking away from Livvy's eyes save for when her gaze slipped down to cer lips and then back up, no longer than a second. Livvy broke the silence with an unplanned, but long overdue, "Can I kiss you?"

She nodded.

And ce did. Ce kissed her.

___

Della had been avoiding cer. For a week. Livvy was going to murder her. If ce didn't die first, because cer lungs really disagreed with chasing after Della this fast for this long. Raindrops splattered against cer face and puddles splashed as ce stomped into them. "Della!" No response. "Della! You can't avoid me forever! Why won't you fucking talk to me?"

She finally stopped running and turned to face Livvy. Damp hair clung to her forehead, and Livvy had the odd urge to move it away for her. "Because if I come back and talk to you, I'm not sure I'll have the strength to leave you again."

"Why do you even want to leave me!"

"I don't! Livvy, it's never been about what I want. You know that. We've both known that for a long time."

Ce didn't know if that was a tear or a raindrop on cer face, and ce didn't particularly care. "I thought you might want me enough to change your mind about that."

"You thought wrong." Della groaned as the sky behind her thundered. "We can't... we can't be together. Not like this. I wish we could, but... we can't."

"Okay," Livvy said simply, and ran back in the other direction before Della could see cer crying.

___

A knock sounded on cer door. "Liv?" came Elwin's voice.

"Do you have more ice cream?"

"I don't, no."

Ce scowled. "Then go away!"

"I do have a gift."

"I don't give a shit."

"It's rainbow."

That got cer attention. "Fine. Come in."

Their eyes widened as they walked inside. "Wow. You look..."

"Like shit, I know." Ce sniffed. "This whole thing is shitty."

"It is. I'm sorry. But I brought you something to try and make this a little bit less shitty. Meet your emotional support stuffed animal, Natasha the Narwhal." They brought their hand out from behind their back. Sure enough, they had a stuffed narwhal, and it was rainbow. It did make this a little bit less shitty. Livvy took it gratefully and hugged it to cer chest.

As Elwin sat on the bed next to cer, ce began sobbing again. "She just- she just fucking broke up with me! We were barely even together and she broke up with me and now she's gonna marry Alden, of all people, because she's not willing to take the risk of being with me and she's barely even speaking to me and we can't be together and it's just- it's all awful, Elwin."

Wrapping cer in a hug, they agreed "It's fucking awful."

___

"I can't believe you're going through with this," Livvy said. In another world, this moment could have been beautiful. Della in her white dress and veil, bouquet in her hand. Livvy wearing a suit and tie, rainbow beads woven into cer hair. If ce was the one set to marry her in an hour, this scene would have been something out of a fairy tale. But now? It was something out of a nightmare. "I can't believe you're going to marry him."

Della sighed. "I don't want to fight right now. It's my wedding, Livvy, can't you at least pretend to be happy for me?"

Ce probably could pretend, but ce didn't want to. Instead, ce took a step closer, noticing the way Della flinched at how close their faces were. Her grip around the flowers were so tight her knuckles had nearly turned white, posture rigid. "I would be happy for you if you were happy. Is this making you happy?"

"Yes. I'm happy."

The pause she took before answering was barely noticeable, but it told Livvy a lot. Della's gaze didn't quite meet cers, eyes downcast and sorrowful. Her voice trembled and went up an octave. Livvy stared as Della shuffled her feet. Finally, ce said "You're a damn terrible liar."

As though she'd been slapped, Della stepped backwards. "I-"

"Della, I wish you the best, but I can't watch you make yourself miserable to make someone else happy. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. Give Alden my congratulations." Before seeing her reaction, ce spun around, trying to hide the tears spilling out. "Goodbye." If Della responded, Livvy didn't stick around long enough to hear it, nearly running in cer need to get out of here, get out, get out. Between sobbing and not paying any attention to cer surroundings, ce did not notice Quinlin just ahead of cer.

“Are you okay?” he asked, stepping to the side just before ce could slam into him. Livvy knew ce had to look a mess right now, with red puffy eyes and fire burning in cer clenched fists. Quinlin didn’t look much better, with tears glistening in his own eyes. The absurdity of the situation almost made cer laugh- two pining gay fools, in love with someone who loved them back but refused to act on it.

”Fan-fucking-tastic,” Livvy replied, trying to force cer breathing into some semblance of normal. “You?”

Quinlin sighed. “He’s my best friend. I should be celebrating with him.”

”You love him,” ce said. It wasn’t a question.

”Against my better judgement. I try to be content with where our relationship is right now, as cognates, but I can’t help wanting…” His voice trailed off and he swiped at his eyes. “You understand. I’ve seen the way you look at Della.”

Despite cerself, ce smiled. “You’d have to be blind not to.”

After a beat of silence, the question flew out of nowhere. “Do you want to get married?”

“What?”

Slumping against the wall, Quinlin buried his face in his hands. “It’s not a terrible idea. After all, neither of us will be able to marry the people we truly love. People ask too many questions if we don’t marry anyone eventually, and at least this way we won’t be leading anyone on.” As much as ce hated to admit it, he had a point. But… could ce really do that? Without vomiting? Livvy didn’t know, and Quinlin seemed to sense cer confusion. “You don’t have to decide anything right away. Just… think about it. In the meantime, I hope you get through tonight without making yourself sick on ice cream.”

”I probably will. It’s the only coping mechanism I know.”

“I should try it.”

Livvy smiled again and walked away, before pausing. “Quinlin?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too.”

___

As one does when they're heartbroken and yearning, Livvy threw cerself into work, trying to really earn the Doctor in Dr. Lesbian. That kept cer thoughts occupied enough with diseases and injuries and elixirs that they were less occupied by Della. Finally, cer mentors considered cer adept enough to truly become a doctor, and job interviews started. Job interviews, Livvy decided, were the worst thing to exist.

Ce rattled off cer qualifications, greatest strengths (quick thinking in stressful situations that didn't involve cute girls) and biggest weaknesses (cute girls, but ce said it was prioritizing different tasks). What ce did not expect to be asked was about cer match status. The aforementioned quick thinking in stressful situations came in handy.

"Oh! Um. Yeah, I haven't been matched with anyone yet since I was trying to focus on my studies, but I was planning to register soon." Was ce planning to register soon? As of two seconds ago. That counted as a plan.

The interviewer nodded. "I see. Well, it's very important that elves in a noble profession such as this one are good matches."

Why did ce want to be a doctor again?

"Especially if you plan to work with children as your resume states, I know many parents would not want their children seeing a physician whose relationships..." He gestured vaguely. "Deviate from the norm."

Apparently Livvy gave off the impression that ce was queer. With the rainbow beads, frog earrings, and leg thrown over the arm of the chair? Who could have predicted. Thoughts swirling to fix this mess, that apparently being cerself would make cer dream job much harder, ce searched for a solution. When it finally hit cer, it was obvious. But oh, not something ce wanted to do, not at all. When ce was finally dismissed from the interview, ce grabbed cer imparter, pulled a face, and said "Show me Quinlin."

___

Livvy Sonden got married.

It wasn't a fairy tale wedding, didn't even give off that facade like Della's. No, this was as unromantic as possible. Livvy and Quinlin coordinated to make their match packets indicate the other, and both ended up on each list. So, they went to the matchmaker's office again, go the papers signed, and then they were legally married. How wonderful.

"Congratulations," Della said, the first word she'd spoken after a month of Livvy artfully avoiding her.

"What?"

"I heard you got married."

It was hardly something to congratulate, but Livvy nodded. "I did."

"Ironic, after you yelled at me at my wedding for... what was it? Making myself miserable to make someone else happy?"

Ce should have known she'd bring this up. Livvy sighed and rubbed cer temples. "I married Quinlin for the legal protections. I don't love him, and I'm not pretending I do or deluding myself into thinking I can have the nice heterosexual family the world wants me to have. Our disinterest is mutual. And besides, you chose to make yourself miserable. I was already miserable, so I might as well get tax benefits. It's not like marrying the person I love was an option for me, not after someone took that option away."

Too late, ce realized ce had just told Della ce loved her. This wasn't exactly a sort of romantic confession.

"Well..." Della cleared her throat. "I brought you a gift. Congratulations on the tax benefits, I suppose."

She walked away. Livvy didn't stop her.

___

Prentice was gone, and everything was awful, and Tiergan's Beatles doorbell was ringing, and Livvy was going to murder Alden Vacker. "Fuck off!" ce yelled, swinging the door open to reveal... Della. "Oh! It's you. Never mind."

"Who did you think I was?"

"Your husband. He's been here three times already, trying to apologize and 'make amends,' like anything could possibly replace..."

Della cut cer off. "I'm sorry. I know this obviously isn't amends or a replacement or anything, but I really just want to help in whatever tiny, meaningless way I can, so... I brought you mallowmelt." She held out a container and Livvy took it, thanking her. "How is everyone holding up?"

"About the same," Livvy said, which was to say, fucking horribly.

"I'm sorry," Della said again.

"How is Alden's nose doing?"

"Almost entirely healed."

How dare he be almost healed, when everything else was so broken? Cer grip on the mallowmelt tightened. "Tiergan should have fucked his face up worse," ce muttered.

"I agree." They fell silent, and Della's posture turned rigid, feet shuffling. "Livvy, I have to ask... are you involved with that group Prentice worked with? The Black Swan?"

Panic shot through cer; anger along with it. Ce snapped, "Why do you ask? Reporting back to your husband, so you can destroy our family even more?"

Della took a step back. "No! I wouldn't do that, Livvy, I promise. I- Liv, if you are working with them, and you don't have to tell me, but you have to stop. Stop working with them immediately. After what happened to Prentice, I just- rebellion is dangerous, and I just don't want you to get hurt." How ironic, from the girl who took cer heart and shattered it.

"You don't get to talk. You've already hurt me." With that, Livvy slammed the door shut.

___

Ce wasn’t sure why ce decided to come to Everglen with Quinlin. Talking to Della sounded painful, so why the hell would ce go to her house? Did ce want some semblance of closure? Maybe there was something in Livvy that wanted to be her friend again, wanted… this was a bad idea, and Livvy knew it was a bad idea, but here ce was, behind Quinlin as he rang the doorbell.

Alden answered. “Quinlin!” The look of terror as Quinlin was attacked by a hug and nearly lifted off his feet made Livvy laugh. “And Livvy, hello.”

Ce glared at him and deadpanned “Nice nose you got there, it sure would be a shame if something were to happen to it.”

He backed away from cer. “Again, I am truly sorry about-“

”Whatever. Is Della home?”

”Upstairs, first room on the right.”

Livvy nodded, wiggled cer eyebrows at Quinlin- who still had his arms around Alden and flushed when he saw- and took the stairs two at a time. Only after standing still outside Della’s room for a solid thirty seconds did ce realize that hurrying was a stupid idea. And it was stupid to stand here frozen, afraid. Ce knocked. “Della?”

”Livvy? What are you doing here?”

”Quinlin wanted to stop by and do some… paperwork with Alden. I figured we should talk.”

“I owe you an apology.”

Livvy snorted. “No shit, Sherlock.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you did.”

Sitting down on the bed, Della curled her knees to her chest. Livvy sat down next to her, the distance between them only am excruciating couple of inches. Her voice cracked as she said “I know. Fuck, I know you still got hurt, and I wish you didn’t. I never meant for… any of this to happen. I thought we could just be friends and I wouldn’t like you the way I shouldn’t. Because I’d already resigned myself to the fact that I would marry a man someday and I wouldn’t be happy but being around you… it made me stupid. It made me forget that. So when I fell back to reality, I made you come crashing down with me, and I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t have to make us come crashing down. We could have stayed like that. We could have been happy, but you chose to ruin it.”

“I didn’t have a choice!”

Livvy glared. “Of course you had a choice!”

“You don’t fucking get it!” Della screamed, jumping to her feet.

Deathly quiet, Livvy said “Then explain it to me.”

“Your parents are- your parents are wonderful. They love you. They don’t love you if or love you as long as or love you until. They love you, and they make you happy and you make them happy. I’m glad you have that, but that’s not how things are for me. When I told my parents I liked girls, they told me I had to stop. That Vackers couldn’t be gay. I want to be with you, but you can’t always fucking get what you want.”

Their hands were clasped. When did that happen? Livvy didn’t let go, even though ce knew ce should. Instead, ce laced their fingers together like they were still kids running and laughing through empty hallways and whispered “You deserve to get what you want.”

Della was the one to let go, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “No. I don’t.”

“Del-"

“I think you should go. I’m sorry, but whatever we might have had… it can’t happen.”

Livvy walked to the door and leaned cer head against it. “I know.”

“Can we still be friends?”

“I think so. I need time.”

“Okay. I understand.”

“Goodbye, Della.”

The step ce took out the door was the hardest movement ce’d ever had to make. Unconvinced ce wouldn't lose this battle with cerself and turn back if given the opportunity, ce took off running, down the stairs, out the door, running away from Della, away from heartbreak, not running fast enough.

___

Their friendship was... awkward, to say the least. It was hard to look Della in the eye, now, and ce had a sneaking suspicion she was avoiding cer gaze too. Every interaction was filled with foot tapping and nervous glances at the clock, a pitiful shadow of the easy friendship they used to have. Other than when Livvy came along with Quinlin to visit Everglen, they almost never spoke, and even then, they spent most of their time baking side by side, in silence, or talking with the kids. The kids were nice; Alvar first, then Fitz and Biana. Della had a husband and three children and looked like the perfect picture of a happy family. She looked happy. But Livvy knew her, or at least thought ce did, and she wasn't happy.

They ran into each other from time to time, and occasionally caught up over coffee in Atlantis. But nothing was like it was before, and Livvy hated it.

When Alden's mind broke, the thought crossed cer mind, that ce should go to Everglen and be there for Della. Offer Natasha the Narwhal and cer shoulder to cry on. But that was something a best friend would do, and they weren't best friends anymore. Acquaintances, at best, and it felt like a punch to the gut when ce remembered... Della wanted to grieve with her family. Livvy was not a part of her family.

Ce left her alone.

"Hey, Dr. Lesbian!" Blur, the first to notice cer walking into Alluveterre, said. "How's it going?"

"Well, Alden is over at our house for some... cognate training, so I decided I'd give them a bit of privacy for their totally-not-gay-not-if-we're-cognate shenanigans." Ce sighed and shook cer head.

The group laughed, and Tiergan shook his head along with cer. "Well, now that you're here, there's probably something we should tell you. We've got a new addition to the Black Swan, and... well, it's Della Vacker. She's here. Don't kill me. If you're going to kill someone for allowing this, kill Forkle." Forkle gave xem an incredulous look, and it would have been funny any other time. Currently, Livvy was busy going through ten different emotions in the span of a second. Shock. Anger. Excitement.

And panic. A lot of panic. "Della Vacker? As in, Radelle Adara Vacker?"

"Her name is Radelle?" Juline asked.

Livvy, still panicking, didn't answer. "As in, the Della I fell in love with and may or may not still be in love with? That Della?"

"The look on your face," Tiergan chuckled.

"Tiergan, this is not funny! My unresolved lesbian ex is now part of my rebellion group! Tiergan! Stop laughing at me! What do I do?" Continuing to laugh, Tiergan did not listen in the slightest. Livvy huffed and began frantically pacing the room, thinking about what ce would do if- when- ce saw Della. Yell at her? Hug her? Both? Just stand there like a fool? This was immensely frustrating. And if Livvy spent the next few weeks rearranging cer schedule with the Black Swan so as not to interrupt with said unresolved lesbian ex, that was no one's business but cer own.

Finally, when Fitz got stabbed by some sort of venomous bug, ce couldn't avoid Della any longer. Livvy tried very hard not to let the fear in her voice break cer heart as she demanded to see if her son was okay. The door clicked open and Wraith walked in with a teary-eyed Della, saying "It's gonna be okay, Dr. Lesbian will take good care of him."

"I did not agree to that code name!" Forkle called, across the hallway.

"Dr. Lesbian is a fantastic code name!" Livvy yelled back.

It was only when Della said "Livvy?" that ce realized, Forkle had a point about the code name giving cer away.

"Guilty as charged."

Della opened her mouth. Closed it again. Repeated the action. Finally, she settled on "I don't know why I'm surprised."

"Yeah, joining a gay rebel group seems right up my alley." Ce scratched the back of cer neck. "Fitz will be okay. It'll suck for a while, but he'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" Her voice shook, and somehow, that convinced Livvy to reach out and take her hand like the idiot lesbian ce was. Never mind the fact that this would surely make things much, much more awkward in the days to come, and would not do anything to resolve these unresolved feelings, Della was in pain and ce wanted to be there for her.

It definitely did not send butterflies spiraling through when she squeezed cer hand back. "Yeah, I'm sure. I've seen way worse."

"Thank you." She let go of cer hand then, and ce tried not to let disappointment sting cer. "I'll... let you concentrate on saving my son, I guess."

Livvy nodded and got back to work. Finally, when ce was confident that Fitz was not in any immediate danger, ce slumped into the seat beside Della. "I think these dumb kids should stop getting injured. This shit is exhausting. At least Elwin's finally catching a break."

"At least Elwin's finally catching a break," she agreed. "I love your code name, by the way."

"That is not cer code name," insisted Forkle.

"Whatever you say, Loki, Dr. Lesbian is a fantastic name."

Della cracked a small smile. "Ce's right." Livvy smiled back, and considering how awkward ce thought it would be to talk to Della again, in reality, it didn't feel that way at all. It felt like coming home.

___

"I've realized there is a bit of tension between some members of this group," Forkle started.

Livvy cut him off with "Nooo, really?" and pretended not to notice Della's eyes on cer.

Like he hadn't heard, Forkle continued "So I thought it would be a good idea to have some time to bond. Tonight, we will be playing monopoly!"

"You realize that's only going to make us hate each other more," Juline said. Everyone else nodded, and Forkle scowled.

"Just enjoy your game night."

And, somehow, they did. Livvy played banker, causing Blur to accuse cer of cheating and Della to accuse him of being a sore loser. Wraith, who was normally anti-capitalist, decided capitalism was fun if it meant he got to beat Tiergan at monopoly. The group yelled insults and threw pieces at each other and Livvy laughed until cer throat hurt. Ce couldn't remember having this much fun in a... in a really long time.

"Eat the rich!" Della screamed as Livvy counted out cer money.

Juline smirked. "You want to eat Livvy?"

As her face turned bright red, ce could barely breathe through laughter. Ce fell over onto Della's shoulder, gasping for air. "You should see the look on your face," ce managed. Della sighed and shook her head, eyes filled with fondness. When ce could finally breathe, ce stayed on her shoulder, smiling softly and staring at the ceiling. This was... this was nice.

Oh.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

"Why am I such an idiot?" Livvy whined as Elwin took a seat, or what passed for a seat among queers, between cer and Tiergan.

"Because this group of people has one brain cell and most of the time, I have it. What's the occasion?"

Resting cer chin in cer palms, ce said "I may or may not still be in love with Della."

"Were you not already aware of this?" Tiergan asked.

"No? I mean, I knew there were some unresolved feelings, but this is... I'm in love in love."

Xe shook his head. "You are... absolutely blind. Did you not... how. How is that possible. Any time she's in a room with you, you don't pay attention to anything except sending her longing glances. Sophie picked up on the fact that there was something going on between you two, do you know how rare that is?"

"Okay, you do not get to lecture me on longing glances sent within this gay rebellion group," Livvy said before letting out a cough that sounded much like Prentice Endal.

"At least I'm aware that I'm gay for him!"

Elwin laughed and said "I'd be concerned if you weren't."

Ce turned to them. "You're the only functional person here! The one with the braincell! Help, what do I do?" They only shrugged in response, and Livvy rubbed cer temples. "Please, Elwin, I am having a gay crisis!"

"When are you not?"

They had a point. Livvy groaned and slumped over onto them. "Della fucking Vacker. Why does my dumb lesbian heart keep liking her? Fuck. I know letter her into my heart means she can break it, and she already has, but- fuck! I'd let her destroy it again if that meant we got to be happily in love first. Why can't I stop being in love with her? This is so fucking annoying."

"More and more I see the wisdom in abandoning romance, collecting stuffed animals, and adopting children," sighed Elwin.

Tiergan nodded. "You are absolutely correct."

"I should try that, but no, Della has to be really hot! How is it even possible for her to be that hot! This is so unfair! Why must I be a stupid lesbian cursed with a goddess of an ex?"

"Yeah, that sucks," said Elwin.

Ce sighed. "No shit."

___

Ce woke to the sound of Juline screaming. "Dr. Lesbian! Get your ass over to Everglen! Della's hurt!" As ce scrambled to get cer supplies together at a speed ce hadn't previously thought was possible, the words echoed, drowning everything else out; Della's hurt, Della's hurt, Della's hurt. Cer Della. Hurt.

"Shit, fuck-" It was a miracle ce didn't break anything, with the number of times Livvy tripped over cer own feet while running into Everglen. "Della! Della!" In cer interview, ce'd prided cerself on quick thinking in stressful situations. But this? This was a stressful situations ce could not think quickly in. Pretty girls were cer only weakness, after all. As ce began tending to the worst of her wounds, a gash just above her hip, Juline filled cer in on the situation. A Neverseen attack. Biana was also hurt, and Elwin was taking care of aer.

Livvy swept a strand of hair out of Della's face, revealing a purple bruise on her chin. "Don't you dare die on me," ce whispered, voice thick with tears.

"Hey," came a quiet voice from behind cer, as ce triple-checked that the cabinet had all the medicines ce thought they'd need. Ce turned around. Elwin. "Liv, you should go... eat. Or get some rest, or really just... anything in the interest of self preservation."

"Absolutely not. I'm busy with Della preservation."

They sighed. "Okay, but when Della wakes and finds out I let you do a shit job taking care of yourself, she's gonna kill me. And she is terrifying."

"She is, isn't she?" Livvy said, a fond smile on cer face.

"Of course that's attractive to you. Allos are weird."

"Damn right. But what makes you think Della would kill you over my shit self care? It's not like she cares about me."

Elwin sighed again, longer this time. "Livvy. Liv. I say this with all the love in my heart, but you are the stupidest person I've ever met."

"Rude!"

"Yeah, but it's true. The whole damn time, she's cared about you so much."

Livvy looked over at Della, still asleep. "If she cared, why did she hurt me?"

"Because she was afraid of how much she loved you."

That made sense, and Livvy was absolutely done talking about this. "I'm gonna go to Kesler's store to restock on some elixirs, okay?"

"Stop running away from your feelings!"

"Absolutely the fuck not!"

Ce tried, ce really did. But the thing about Della was, no matter how much Livvy tried to run, it was damn near impossible to stay away.

___

It was unclear whether ce was asleep, but a soft "Liv?" immediately got cer attention.

"Della!?"

The grin that split her face was, hands down, the most beautiful thing ce had ever seen. "Livvy."

"You- you're okay." Cer hands clapped to cer mouth.

"Okay is debatable. But I'm alive."

Half a laugh, half a sob, bubbled out. "You are. If you died, I would have brought you back just to kill you myself. Never scare me like that again, Radelle Adara Vacker, I was so fucking scared." Livvy reached out and took her hand in cers. "No more almost dying, you promise?"

"I promise."

"I'm gonna hold you to that."

Della's cheeks flushed pink. "Is Biana okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, Elwin's been taking good care of aer."

She nodded, sighing with relief. Tension returned to her shoulders as she struggled to a sitting position and said "There's something I should tell you."

"Okay."

"So, I was planning to tell you... in the ambiguous later. Which might have been code for never, but I thought I would have an eternity to try. After this, though... I guess I might not have an eternity to try. I guess later might not be guaranteed. So. I'm gonna tell you now. Except I'm not, because I'm stalling. Which I should probably stop doing, so, here goes. Livvy, I've been scared of you for... a really long time. At first, I was scared of you because you were really cute and I would get flustered around you. And then I got to know you, and it scared me because... because I knew I wasn't supposed to love you, and I did. And I do."

Almost to cerself, Livvy repeated "And you do." It was impossible to believe, that after everything-

Something in cer heart splintered and came back together, all at once.

Della tugged at the frayed edges of her sleeves. "I'm still scared, I think. But, you know, I've been thinking about mortality and everything, and... if I don't know how much time I have left, I don't want to spend that time living a life I don't even want because I'm too afraid of what I feel for you."

"About time," Livvy said, trying to keep cer voice light, but cer breath caught as ce leaned in closer. Their noses were close to touching.

"So... I'm going to file a match fail with Alden. And then, I might try living the life I actually want."

Ce reaches out, fingers tracing Della's cheek. "And who might that life include?"

"Oh, there's this person I like... ce's a doctor, and ce's so smart but also kind of a disaster. It's cute. Ce doesn't put up with anyone's bullshit, and ce was the first person to tell me that what I wanted mattered. I think ce might have been right. I should probably listen to cer."

"You should."

"I kind of want to kiss cer."

Hardly daring to breathe, Livvy repeated "You should."

The gap between them closed, and Livvy was finally home.

[becomingbts]

Time heals (sometimes) - 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the  burning spotlights and the applause and  the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

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Warnings:  The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences  mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: So hello everyone, welcome to Time Heals (sometimes). Thank you so, so much for the warm welcoming, it has been my first time getting so many asks, I was honestly overjoyed. I still don’t really know what to call this part; is it a teaser? A note? A full chapter? I believe we’ll get some snapshot of memories like this one throughout the series because there is going to be a lot to unpack on both sides. I think it will be a chapter nevertheless because I have to establish some kind of order as to which parts should be read first, and I think this one is extremely important.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

Profiles #2 - here - part 2

Her scream pierced through the air while cries broke in the frenzied arena while a single blond-haired man froze, emptily staring at the stage. It felt like his senses heightened; his skin was shuddering, his eyes were frantically searching for one specific figure while his voice was lost in his throat. The screams resonating in the stadium would have been too loud for his voice to be heard anyway. 

Jimin knew he shouldn’t be there. 

Namjoon had told them more than once that none of them should try to go to one of (Y/N)’s events. It could be dangerous and they could be overwhelmed; anything could happen to them and they would still remain a nobody who fainted in the howling crowd. Would they want to take this risk? No.

So, Jimin would have had to admit that going to her very first concert in Seoul since the pandemic sounded like a very, very, very bad idea. And to be honest, it still didn’t seem to be a bright idea now that he was actually there. 

But he still went because he needed to see her for himself; to see how she was. He had so many things he dreamed about asking her. Are you okay? Are you sleeping well? Did you eat before coming to the arena? Are you nervous? Do you... remember me? 

Maybe he was torturing himself. He kept on watching her lives, following her on all social media, always made sure to leave a sweet comment, and never miss any of her new updates... Maybe he even had a folder of pictures of her on his phone but he’d never admit it to any of his mates. Taehyung would probably take his phone away from him and delete everything and Jimin couldn’t let that happen.

He felt like it was cheating. Don’t take him wrong though. When he thought that, he was not really thinking about the boys. They did collectively agree not to follow her activities as an artist but it was getting harder and harder with how popular she got anyway. Moon was everywhere. In commercials, on the radio, her songs were on the TV… Even if she was known for refusing most of the promotional contracts that were offered to her, her image was still constantly in the media despite her avoidance of it. Ironic, but the media were trying their best to find anything about her, be it positive or negative. One day she was seen on her bike, the next, she was in a coffee shop, and it kept on going on, overstepping on her privacy as if it was just a meaningless word. 

The lockdown had admittedly played a major part in Jimin’s obsession. Being in their apartment meant quickly running out of activities, and his job as a dance teacher was not really filling his free time (a lot of his classes were also canceled). It was also during that time that (Y/N) truly blew up as an independent artist. Advertisement on YouTube started being around her channel and her music, the recommendations he kept on seeing were about also her… Jimin’s resolve honestly broke easily. It was hard not to be curious about his lost soulmate even though he didn’t feel like he had the right to be hurting. 

Anyway, to come back to his main point, if Jimin felt like he was cheating; it was mostly for her. After all, (Y/N) had no means of letting the curiosity get the best of her, to know what they were doing; to simply see or contact them. He had, at first, not really thought about that. Watching her content seemed a very innocent thing to do in his opinion; billions of people were watching her content, why should he prevent himself from doing so? Yet, Jimin could still remember one of her live she did soon after that interview she had given on this damned radio show where she had revealed who her title track ‘TIME’ was about… She had gone live the next day-Jimin had jumped on his phone because of the notification-and one fan had asked her what would she do if she knew that her ‘ex-soulmates’ (and those words left a very sour taste in Jimin’s mind) were watching her. The question had silenced a previously restless Jimin, replacing his initial excitation with dread while a lump formed itself in his throat. He had not even noticed it; he was so focused on her live and her upcoming answer that Jimin had completely missed the sound of a glass breaking in the apartment. Jimin had been home alone, so even if had indeed heard it, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to check what had happened, thinking that the wind knocked it over or something. Jimin had been so absorbed by what he had been watching that he even got surprised a few hours later when Seokjin came home and yelled at him for breaking something when he had been clearly innocent, engrossed in (Y/N)’s live (not that he could tell his soulmates about that part, but yeah). (Y/N)’s live would always be more important than some random glass breaking again in their apartment. Every object was doomed with Namjoon living here anyway.

On her side of the screen though, (Y/N) had seemed taken aback as she had read the question and had gritted her teeth gently. She had seemed to be pondering about her answer even though a lot of people in her chat were telling her to forget about the question if it made her uncomfortable (a lot were even scolding the person who asked). Yet, sighing softly, she had looked up at the screen: 

“I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from asking questions on this topic. It’s not taboo but I’d rather not remember everything that comes with it. However, to answer this-hopefully-last question about it, I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. It would only be fair after all. I’ve been denied access to their lives six years ago, why would they get a free pass into mine now?” She had not smiled nor had she seemed hurt by her own comment, yet Jimin’s heart had shattered in pieces, unable to press the cancel button. 

Her voice had slowly faded into background noise while her words had been stuck in his head. 

I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. 

How could Jimin ever do that? He realized that he truly should. Namjoon would even agree with you, as ironic as it sounded for Jimin. Namjoon had been one of the most adamant ones about rejecting your bond, after all. Jimin was shaking with bitterness while ‘Moon’ continued her stream peacefully with music. Jimin could only try to gulp his anger down as he remembered her crumbling features on that fateful day. 

“You’re not our soulmates. This name on our arms means nothing to us. You are nothing to us if not a hindrance. Leave us alone.” 

If Jimin could go back in time, he’d prevent Taehyung from spatting those words at her. Yet, he couldn’t do anything. Playing the scene over and over in his mind wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change that she probably hated them. It wouldn’t change the song she made about them. 

And worst of all, it wouldn’t change the fact that Jimin had let himself believe that their choice had been for the best, trying to console and reassure himself, even if he had already known that it was wrong. Tears were pooling up in his eyes even if none escaped as he finally caught a glimpse of her on the stage. Suddenly brought back to reality after his subconscious memory trip, Jimin finally connected back to the world, looking around while he was still frozen on his spot. People were still screaming around him and he wondered if he looked like an intruder. Because, after all, wasn’t that what he exactly was? She said it herself that she didn’t wish for them to watch her; so what was he doing here? 

Jimin couldn’t help but stare; she looked ethereal, dressed like a queen in the middle of a sold-out arena. People were screaming her name as she yelled her infamous ‘hi people’. It was an opening sentence that Jimin heard way too many times in her vlogs and suddenly hearing it in real life seemed surreal. 

Jimin could only watch in awe, entranced with her everything. 

Screw the boys and what they would think once he’d be back from her concert. 

He had been the one to find her six years ago anyway. He had been the one to bring her to their home six years ago, hoping for the boys to change their mind once they’d meet her.

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Uploaded : 09/04/2021

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