#ce/cer livvy supremacy

[gay-otlc]

This Is Where We're Supposed To Be

Apparently I wrote an 11K Delivvy fic. You're welcome. And also sorry in advance

Summary: But the thing about Della was, no matter how much Livvy tried to run, it was damn near impossible to stay away.

@thatonechandelier @countingthestarsaboveourheads @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @an-ungraeceful-swan @books-over-boys @if-only-wishes-were-answered @be-sapphic-do-crime I believe these are the people who asked to be tagged.

Warnings for cursing, homophobia, some blood/injuries but nothing graphic

Read on AO3

Livvy would have liked to think that the first time ce talked to the most beautiful girl ce'd ever seen was romantic and eloquent, but no, cer brain decided to shut down that day. Ce was a level six at foxfire, and technically, Della talked to cer instead of the other way around. Livvy mostly just stammered and nodded. It was a normal day of eating lunch and bitching about history homework, when ce felt a tap on cer shoulder and spun around to see none other than Della Vacker, with her brown skin and red lips and shimmering violet dress and…

”Earth to Livvy. Della just asked you a question,” Tiergan said, not looking up from drawing Prentice in the margins of the essay xe was supposed to be writing. Livvy blushed and snapped to attention, thinking this was off to a fantastic start, but maybe ce could save the situation by saying something super smooth.

What came out of cer mouth was not something super smooth. What came out of cer mouth was ”Um. Hi. I’m Livvy.”

Beside her, Elwin chuckled and ce prayed for the ground to swallow cer whole. Della’s mouth quirked into a smile. “I hear you’re good at biology?”

With tremendous effort, ce forced out the words “I’m okay at it.”

”Don’t sell yourself short, you’re a freaking genius,” Elwin jumped in. Cer face was probably on fire, even though they weren't wrong. Ce didn't like to brag, but... that wasn't even true! Ce loved to brag! Just yesterday ce was laughing in Alden's face that ce'd scored higher on the test than him! Somehow, now ce was feeling self conscious? What?

Running a hand through her hair, Della asked “Would you be willing to help me with it? It’s my worst subject and my parents are starting to get on my case about midterms.”

Was this… like… real? Breathless, ce managed to say ”Yeah! Sure!”

”Cool! Would after school tomorrow work?”

Too panicked to speak, ce nodded.

”Okay, I’ll see you then.” Her smile grew wider as she waved and glided away.

Livvy waited for her to be out of earshot before turning back to cer friends scattered around the table. “What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.”

”You okay there, Dr. Lesbian?” Cyrah asked, grinning.

Like they were the only words left in cer vocabulary, ce repeated “What the fuck.”

Tiergan snorted. “Della Vacker, huh?”

”Shut up.”

”You’re still staring in her direction,” Cyrah added helpfully.

”Shut up,” Livvy snapped, already counting down the minutes to their study date.

___

Somehow, those minutes crawled by at a snail's pace of tossing and turning in bed, of paying zero attention in class and doodling D+L one too many times in cer notebook. When the bell finally rang, ce jumped out of the Universe class with a speed usually reserved for claiming the last slice of mallowmelt. It was a wonder ce didn't crash into anyone on cer way to meet Della at her locker. Despite cer speed, Della was already there when Livvy arrived, somehow looking graceful even while lugging a backpack that must have weighed a ton. Ce must have gotten slightly more eloquent since the last time they saw one another, because cer voice sounded steady on what ce hoped was a casual "Hey."

Her locker clicked shut. "Hi."

"So..." Oh, there was that on-brand disaster lesbian inability to form words. "Where do you want to study?"

"I was thinking my house?" And as if that hadn't already sold Livvy, she added "I baked ripplefluffs last night, and we can have some once I we finish. I find ripplefluffs to be very motivational when I'm studying."

She had a point, and Livvy's heart beat faster at the thought. Over at Della's house? It sounded exciting initially, but the more ce thought about it, the more ce realized ce would probably make a fool of cerself. But the ripplefluffs did sound really good, and Della needed cer help, so... "Alright. I have to go grab my things from my locker, but yeah, I'll meet you there."

"Great! It's called Lumiere." Della waved and turned around towards the leapmaster. Livvy spun in the other direction, nearly running to cer locker, and cer best friend who was now cer source of romantic advice, against their will.

"Elwin! Help!"

Elwin buried their face in their hands. "What did you do this time? Don't you have a study date with Della?"

"Yeah, I'm about to go over to her house and I don't want to fuck this up! What the fuck do I do? How does one talk to a girl? It would be nice if I knew how to flirt, but I would honestly just settle for not making myself look like a complete and total idiot. What am I doing?" Ce rested cer forehead against the cold metal of the locker.

Their hand settled on cer shoulder. "You're asking me for romantic advice? Livvy, I'm aroace."

"You're also my best friend! It's your job to get me out of messes I create!"

"I'm pretty sure I did not sign up for that. But... just... be yourself, I guess?"

"I can't be myself! Myself is an awkward trainwreck!"

"Maybe Della has a thing for awkward trainwrecks. And anyway, if she doesn't like you, that's her loss."

"I guess?"

They gave cer a thumbs up. "You got this, Dr. Lesbian."

___

Dr. Lesbian did not have this, ce realized upon arriving at Lumiere. It looked... very fancy. A house for a princess, where awkward trainwrecks were generally not invited. Ce stood frozen for a moment after ringing the doorbell before it swung open and Della came into sight. "Livvy! Come on in." For a horrifying second, it felt like cer legs wouldn't work, but ce managed eventually. The two made it to the foot of the stairs before a man approached. Judging by the resemblance, Della's father.

"Radelle?"

Radelle?

"Livvy's helping me with biology. We were just going up to study now."

Della's father turned to Livvy and nodded. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," ce replied, resisting the urge to hide behind Della. Everything about him screamed intimidating, such a contrast to Livvy's own father, who was full of laughter and terrible puns. Ce couldn't imagine growing up with him like Della had. Maybe he seemed warmer once you got to know him, but Della was hugging her chest like she wanted to disappear into herself, so maybe not. Then, as if coming out of a trance, her posture straightened and she grabbed Livvy's hand, pulling cer to the staircase.

They were holding hands.

Livvy prided cerself on not having a heart attack.

When they arrived at her room, Della gestured to the stack of papers on her meticulously organized desk. "That's what we're studying. I understand just about none of it." Livvy glanced over and launched into an explanation, beginning to bounce on cer toes as enthusiasm took over. Was that nerdy? Yes, but this was interesting to cer! Della nodded along as ce spoke.

"Okay, I think I get it?"

With another look at the worksheet, ce asked one of its practice problems. Della thought for a moment before answering correctly.

"Great!"

Della smiled. “You’re really good at this," she said, her eyes wide and she was staring right at cer and- "Like. Really good.”

Ce scratched the back of cer neck. "Thanks… I’m planning on being a doctor, so it wouldn’t be great if I couldn’t do this shit." Cue the awkward laugh.

"Well, I think you’ll be great at it." And the kindness written into her face, the genuine smile curling across, somehow hurt to look at. Like Della was the sun, like she was too bright. Accepting compliments, without the jokingly overdone flourish ce loved so much, seemed almost... dangerous. Admitting something was important to cer, bringing it in close to cer heart, felt like inviting some cruel outside force to come take it away. Admitting, even to cerself, that ce cared and hoped, meant opening up to the possiblity that ce could get hurt. Which was definitely not something ce wanted to do.

So, Livvy cleared cer throat and changed the subject. "What do you want to do? After graduation?”

"I’ll probably end up a trophy wife and give birth to some powerful children." Her eyes dropped from cer and fixed on the ground.

With the homework all but abandoned, Livvy took a tiny step closer and softly asked "That’s what you want to do?"

"That’s what I’m supposed to do. What I want doesn’t matter." Della shook her head roughly, and a coil of her perfect hair fell out of place, swinging across her eyes.

Livvy leaned further still and tucked the hair behind her ear. "It does." Their noses were almost touching. "It does matter."

"Tell that to my parents," Della snorted.

"Okay. I will."

"You'll- what?"

Della might have said something else, too, but Livvy's feet led cer out the door before ce could hear. Who the hell did Della's parents think they were? Without cer noticing, cer hands curled into fists. Ce probably should not punch Della's parents. That wouldn't exactly be a great first impression, and might be a little extreme. But damn, it was tempting. Channeling the voice of a disappointed Lady Erica, ce marched into the kitchen and said, in a voice dripping with sarcastic politeness, "Lord Vacker."

Hopefully that was the right title. Gendered titles were exceptionally stupid and Livvy tried hard to not keep track of any of them.

"Livvy, was it? What brings you here?"

"Just came to inform you that you seem like a really shitty father." His jaw dropped, but before he could get a word in, ce continued. "You taught your daughter that what she wants doesn't matter! That's awful! What she wants absolutely matters! She's a person, and a pretty incredible person at that, not just someone you can control to get what you want. That's all, thank you for your time."

Ce spun around, ready to go back to tutoring Della, and instead walked into her.

"What the hell?" she whispered, and Livvy noticed with a start there were tears in her eyes. She all but ran towards the stairs, and ce followed.

"Someone needed to tell him that, and you clearly weren't going to."

"Well... I... thank you."

"Any time." After dropping the eye contact ce'd been holding for longer than was strictly necessary, ce dropped cer gaze to the floor. "I'd better get going... you think you're okay with the bio stuff?"

Della nodded. "Thanks to you. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow." Livvy waved and then immediately proceeded to cringe. "Bye!" ce yelped, leaving as quickly as possible without running. As soon as ce was out the door, ce blurted into the silence "What the fuck?"

___

"Spill the tea," Cyrah demanded, leaning forward and resting her chin on her hands.

"You're all so embarrassing," Livvy whined.

Prentice mimicked Cyrah's pose. "I don't hear you spilling the tea."

In a deadpan, ce said "We kissed."

Cyrah's jaw dropped. "Holy shit!" she shrieked, turning half the heads in the cafeteria.

"Before you left you were freaking out about the prospect of having a conversation with her, did you really work up the nerve to kiss her after that gay panic?" Elwin asked.

Livvy snickered. "No. That did not happen. I just wanted to see Cyrah's face. And it was hilarious, thank you."

"You monster! I trusted you! I-"

"What actually happened?" Prentice interrupted.

"We did hold hands."

"And you didn't faint?"

Ce glared at Tiergan. "No, for your information, I didn't. And then she complimented me! And complimented me again when I tried to deflect it! I don't know how to accept compliments, you guys, what was I supposed to say? So I just kinda coughed and changed the subject. Apparently her father is a dickhead and I yelled at him. She thanked me. Then I left. Is this tea good enough for you?"

"Fantastic, thank you," said Cyrah, nodding.

"Happy to provide you with tales of my lonely gay love life."

___

All week, the memory of Della's hand in cers carried Livvy through the worst of the boring classes, helped by the occasional longing glances in the hallways. It wasn't quite enough for cer, which was why one might think ce would be happy to have Della come back over to cer lunch table, but no. Ce nearly spat out cer lushberry juice. Thank goodness ce didn't. Maybe the universe was a tiny bit on cer side. "What brings you here?" Livvy asked once ce regained the ability to speak.

Della twisted her hands together. "Well, basically, having you really over really helped a lot last time and I was wondering if that would be something you'd be willing to do again? Maybe tomorrow afternoon? I mean, you totally don't have to if you don't want to, but... I think it would be nice. Sorry." It had never crossed Livvy's mind that this could be nerve wracking for Della, too. Probably not because she found cer pretty or anything, but maybe Della just wasn't the type to like asking for help.

"Yeah sure I'd love to," Livvy blurted, earning a smooth from Prentice. Ce flipped him off.

"Great!"

"I'll have to ask my parents for sure, I guess I'll hail you once I find a time that works?"

Della nodded. "See you soon!"

Staring at the rest of the group and pointedly not staring at Della as she walked away, Livvy hissed "What am I going to do?" No one had an answer then, nor did they have an answer the next day when ce demanded to meet up at Rochellevé Coffee to ramble about a certain pretty Vacker, for thirty minutes gay. Everyone was being entirely unhelpful. Livvy slammed cer hands on the table. “What am I supposed to say to her!?”

“Tell her everything you’ve screamed at us this last half hour,” Tiergan offered, xyr focus mostly on his coffee.

That was the most embarrassing scenario imaginable. “No!”

“Fine, then I’ll tell her, I’m sure she’ll find it adorable.”

“If you do that, I will actually kill you.”

Tiergan only shrugged.

Throwing him a disapproving look, Cyrah said “We won’t tell her how cute you get panicking yet, but it’d be a great story to tell at your wedding.”

”At our- what? We won’t- what?!”

Cyrah scoffed. “Please. You guys will totally start dating and I look forward to shoving popcorn into my mouth as it happens.”

Throwing cer hands up, Livvy declared “I hate you all.”

Elwin smiled. “We love you too, Dr. Lesbian.”

”If you want actual advice,” Prentice cut in before Livvy could keep yelling at cer dumbass friends. “Try complimenting her hair. And give her candy.”

”You sure?”

”Well, considering I’m the only person here who a, likes girls and b, is not laughing at you, you kind of have no choice but to listen to me.”

Ce sighed. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“Luckily, it’s a pretty rare occurrence,” said Tiergan, grinning.

Prentice spun around to face him. “Okay, first of all, fuck you-”

”Want to buy her some prattles?” Elwin interrupted.

”Does she like prattles?”

”Does anyone not like prattles?”

Livvy considered. “Good point, I’ll go buy some.”

At the checkout desk, the woman working took a glance at cer purchase and smiled. “Good luck with this girl.” Ce flamed bright red and snatched the candy, nearly sprinting away. Behind cer, Elwin chuckled.

“Good luck with this girl,” they repeated, giving a thumbs up. Livvy sighed and started on cer way to Della’s house.

___

Della opened the door and waved cer in frantically. “I don’t think my father would be thrilled to see you, so hurry up.”

“I’m surprised he let me come back.”

“Yeah, he didn’t want me to invite my ‘rude friend’ over, but I need the help in bio and he knows it, so I got him to agree. Come on, let’s get to my room.”

Livvy sat on the desk rather than the chair, as queers do, and dug around in cer pockets. “I have prattles for when we finish, so let’s try to learn this shit quickly.”

“You’ve inspired me to work hard,” Della said solemnly, and sat quietly save for a few questions as Livvy rattled off every fact ce knew about the elf immune system. There were a lot. “You seem super enthusiastic about this,” she said finally, when Livvy paused for air.

Ce blushed. “Sorry.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize, it’s nice. So.” She glared at her worksheet, spinning the pencil around graceful fingers. Livvy would definitely drop it if ce tried that, but she made it look easy. Her tongue poked out from the corner of her mouth as she scribbled something down. Livvy had to remind cerself not to stare at her mouth. “White blood cells, wooo,” she cheered, voice monotone.

“Hey, white blood cells are important!"

“Yeah, but they’re giving me a headache right now.”

“Just think of the candy, that’ll get you through.” Ce thought back to cer mortifying conversation with cer friends. “Your hair looks nice, by the way.” Which was definitely the truth, with the braid she’d put it in and the light glinting off of it.

Della’s eyes widened. “Oh! Thanks!”

Nailed it.

She only needed to ask Livvy one question before scribbling her last answer with a flourish and slamming her pencil down. “Finished! Give me those prattles!”

With a laugh, ce handed one over and took one for cerself. “Enjoy, you’ve earned it.”

As she took a small bite, her face melted to a satisfied smile. It seemed Livvy- or Elwin, ce supposed, they deserved most of the credit- was right in assuming she liked prattles. Livvy ate cer own, smiling just as wide. When they both finished, they looked at their pins. "A tomple, not bad," Della said. "What’s you get?” Livvy showed her. “Holy shit- you got a unicorn! I would kill to have one of those!”

“I’ll trade you,” Livvy offered. Before the words came out, ce had no idea they would, but ce didn’t regret them. Especially once ce saw the delight sparkling in Della’s eyes.

“Really?! You’d do that?”

Ce nodded. “Yeah, I have one already, so it’s no big deal. And considering the ungodly amount of these things I eat, I’ll get another soon enough.”

“Wow, I… thank you!” She scooped it up from cer palm, causing cer to freeze as their skin made contact. Then the moment, if it could really be called that, vanished, and ce took the tomple pin from Della.

“Yeah, no problem! I’m guessing it would be received well if I brought prattles again when I came by next week?”

The smile on her face was answer enough before Della said “I’d like that.”

Ce didn’t want to leave, not quite yet. So ce searched for conversation to fill the silence. Eventually cer mind settled on “How come you didn't ask Lady Erica for help? Not that I mind tutoring you, but it seems like she'd be better at it."

"Honestly, she kind of scares me."

Livvy barked a laugh. "Same. But how come I don't scare you? I'll have you know that I am very intimidating."

"You're not intimidating, you're pretty cute."

What came out of Livvy's mouth was unclear. Maybe a squeak? Ce would prefer not to talk about it. So, trying very very hard not to read too much into that cute and get cer hopes up, ce cracked cer knuckles and said "Excuse me! I am terrifying. Quinlin tried to kiss me once and I punched him in the face. Broke his nose. Now he hides behind Alden whenever he sees me. I am badass."

"That is pretty badass," Della agreed, and ce couldn't help blushing at the amazement her voice held. "Not a fan of people trying to kiss you, huh?"

And ce couldn't stop cerself. "Not a fan of boys trying to kiss me. If a pretty girl asked, I would say yes in a heartbeat." A moment after realizing what ce just said, ce pointedly looked anywhere other than the pretty girl she would say yes in a heartbeat if asked to kiss. "I think I have to get home, bye!" Ce could not get out of there fast enough. (Ce wanted to go back.)

___

The next day at lunch, Cyrah demanded to know “What happened this time?”

“Well… I told her I like girls.” Elwin held their hand up for a high five, and ce obliged. “And about that time I punched Quinlin. She looked impressed.”

“It was impressive,” Prentice agreed.

Tiergan smiled fondly. “Alden looked just about ready to kill you, though, for hurting his boyfriend.”

“They’re not dating,” said Elwin.

“I mean… they’re not not dating.”

In an uncanny imitation of Alden's voice, Prentice said “Of course they’re not dating, Tiergan, they’re just cognates! It’s not gay if you’re cognates!”

“Making out with a guy seems pretty gay.”

Livvy grinned. “What if they say no homo first?”

Cyrah held her fingers close. “It’s a little homo.”

"What's a little homo?" Della said, sliding into the seat beside Livvy. Ce froze. "Livvy?"

"For your information, I'm more than a little homo," ce corrected.

Tiergan held up his hand at what had to be a mockery of cer five feet and two inches. "Well, in terms of height... you're a very little homo."

"Fuck you!"

"What's that? It's hard to hear you from all the way up here."

Everyone laughed, including Elwin- barely two inches taller than cer!- who at least had the decency to give cer a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. It became harder to hate all cer friends when ce noticed the mirth shining in Della's eyes, something ce wanted to see again and again and again. The conversation shifted around, from annoying mentors to whether Fintan and Bronte had dated; the verdict was a unanimous yes. It was impressive, how Della managed to slide into the group so effortlessly that ce was surprised to remember it hadn't always been this way.

"Thanks for letting me sit with you guys," said Della, as they stood to file back to classes. "I'm having kind of a fight with my usual crowd, so..." she shrugged.

"Yeah, no problem- you're welcome to sit with us whenever."

Ce didn't really expect Della to take cer up on that offer. But she did, sitting at their table more and more until it was nearly every day. To the point where Livvy's mother brought up celebrating the end of midterms with cer friends, and somehow, Della found her way on that list without cer even thinking about it at all. Ce was friends with Della Vacker; this information would absolutely stun the Livvy from two months ago, who could barely hold a conversation with her.

They were friends now, and that should have been good enough. It was incredible! Still, cer idiot lesbian of a self couldn't stop wondering, what if...

___

Midterms were over, finally, and Livvy was sorting through cer gifts; frog earrings from Elwin, a book of Sappho poetry from Tiergan, a camera from Prentice, and colorful beaded necklaces from Cyrah. Ce bit cer lip, hoping Della liked the earrings (not of the frog variety) Livvy got for her. Handwritten notes and a small gift weren't exactly the open declaration of love the butterflies in cer stomach seemed to think it was. Still... it felt like telling her that ce cared, maybe more than ce let on.

Like daydreaming thinking about Della had somehow summoned her, she appeared by cer side and nearly yelled "Livvy! Livvy, I got an A on the biology midterm!" There was no thinking involved, not even a hint of awareness as to what ce was doing, but ce cheered and leaned over to kiss Della on the cheek.

Her eyes widened.

Oh, shit, was the first coherent thought in cer head as ce realized what ce'd just done. "Um, congratulations! I gotta go thank Elwin for my gift!" Ce leapt up and ran over to them, nearly dragging them into the corner of a mostly empty hallway and screaming "Elwin, I kissed Della on the cheek!"

"Um... congratulations?"

Livvy sighed. They just didn't understand the terrible predicament this put cer in! Ce tried to explain. "No, this is bad. This is very bad. It's going to make everything so awkward between us, as if I hadn't made every conversation awkward enough already!"

"You'll be fine, Livvy," they said, giving cer what was probably meant to be a comforting smile.

"I guess." Ce sighed again. "Thank you for the frog earrings, by the way."

"I thought you'd like them. Thanks for the stuffed llama."

They grinned, and ce grinned back, and at least ce had a few weeks to avoid the crushing awkwardness of interacting with Della. The awkwardness returned as soon as ce got back from break, when Cyrah immediately asked "So, how's Delivvy going?"

Tiergan raised an eyebrow. "What is a Delivvy? Is that like a Tiertice?" Prentice turned bright red as Elwin muffled a snicker, and Livvy breathed a sigh of relief. If they were all laughing at Tiergan, they couldn't laugh at cer for how absolutely head over heels ce was for Della. Not that anything had happened. They'd called one another a few times, and ce'd even invited Della over for dinner once- to cer dismay, cer parents were hopelessly embarrassing- but their friendship was firmly in the platonic stage.

Cyrah rolled her eyes. "Our idiot friends aside, anything juicy to tell us?"

"Nothing juicy."

"Oh, make a move on her already."

"It's not my fault she's terrifying! Stop bothering me!"

"Ugh, but bothering you is so fun."

"Fuck off."

Elwin, apparently done teasing the other idiot gays, turned to Livvy and said "Have you told Cyrah about... what happened right after midterms?"

"I may or may not have kissed her on the cheek," ce muttered, looking firmly at the floor.

Cyrah gasped. "And then?"

"I ran away and screamed to Elwin."

"You disappoint me."

Yeah, Livvy was also disappointed, because maybe if ce'd stuck around a little longer something could have happened... or maybe it would have been awful. It probably would have been awful. Running away was completely the right decision. Della was scary, and crushes were scary, and Livvy should definitely keep running away.

___

"I'm filling out my matchmaking packet."

Dread settled into Livvy's stomach. "Oh?"

Somehow, Della didn't pick up on quite how loaded that oh was. "Would you be willing to come hang out with me while I figure it out? It sounds pretty boring and I could use a friend."

"Sure," ce said, although ce could not imagine a worse hell. And what a hell it was! Della brought out a stack of papers that looked thicker than cer history textbook, and that was seriously saying something. And every page of them asked about what kind of boys Della liked. Boys, boys, boys. Of course it was boys. And ce knew that their system was painfully straight, and that she was painfully pressured into following the system, but this... this felt too real.

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

GIRL HELP DELLAS FILLING OUT HER MATCHMAKING PACKET

from: dr aro

to: dr lesbian

am not girl cannot help

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

SERIOUSLY

THIS IS PAINFUL DJFSKJDSKDS

she's gonna marry a boy </3

from: dr aro

to: dr lesbian

that really sucks

i'm sorry

would a picture of an otter help?

from: dr lesbian

to: dr aro

ofc!!!

And it did bring a smile to cer face. But the smile fell quickly as Della asked "It's telling me to say what I find most attractive in men- I don't know what I find most attractive in men!"

"You think I'm any help?" ce tried to joke. "I'm not even attracted to men."

Della sighed. "I don't know. I guess... a sense of humor. And caring about me, and being willing to stand up for me." Her eyes flicked over to Livvy, before quickly shooting down to her paper. "I don't know. This doesn't seem romantic at all. They're just trying to check off boxes, and when I fall in love, I want it to be a little more... intimate." It was Livvy's turn to sneak a glance at her. Ce wanted to reach out and rest a hand on top of Della's. That was the worst possible thing ce could do right now. "Anyway. I guess I'll just come back to this part."

She kept flipping through. Ce kept keyboard smashing at Elwin. Finally, Della stood up. "I'm ready turn this in? Want to come with me to Atlantis?" And Livvy nodded. Some dumb part of cer brain got excited, and ce had to shut it down by remind cerself that this wasn't a date, this wasn't even close to a date, this was going with Della as she got matched with a boy and married him and not Livvy.

"This is exciting, huh?" ce said, trying not to let cer voice reveal just how very not excited ce felt.

"I guess." If Della was trying to make her voice not reveal how not excited she felt, she had just failed miserably. "Do you want to do this? Go through matchmaking, and everything?"

The thought simply did not compute in cer head, and just saying no didn't feel like enough, but ce did so anyway. "Do you?"

Della sighed. "I'm turning mine in right now, Livvy."'

"That's not a yes."

"I know it's not a yes, dammit!" She shoved it into the matchmaker's hand and walked away before Livvy can respond. How would ce even have responded? Could ce have talked Della out of doing this, maybe? Even if it was for selfish reasons, this wasn't what Della wanted either. But ce didn't think of anything wise to say, and Della had turned in her packet and left. The next day, she apologized for snapping, but refused to let Livvy bring it up again.

Which was good. The less ce thought about Della getting married to anyone that wasn't cer, the better.

___

It was the night of Della's winnowing gala, and Livvy was definitely not listening to sad music while imagining what it would be like to attend, to twirl Della around. Nope, not at all. Della was choosing a husband, and Livvy was perfectly fucking fine. Ce tried distracting cerself with whatever ce could- listening to Tiergan ramble about human music, helping Elwin decide which of two new stuffed animals to buy (the stegosaurus, obviously), and none of it fucking worked because ce was still thinking about Della.

Ce had finally decided to go to bed and wallow in cer misery, when the doorbell rang.

"Who the fuck is here this late?" ce muttered, glancing in the mirror to fix cerself up into "totally wasn't just having an unrequited lesbianism related breakdown" before scrambling downstairs to answer, and it was- it was Della, makeup smudged, hair out of place, bags under her eyes.

"Can I sleep over here tonight?"

Yes, ce wanted to say, but- "I'll have to check with my parents." They said yes, thankfully, and the pair went up to Livvy's room. Although ce knew full well this was a dangerous minefield to navigate and the answer would probably hurt, but ce couldn't resist asking, "How'd it go?

"My feet hurt like hell. Those shoes..." Della pulled a face. "As for the boys, my parents want me to marry Alden."

"Alden? Ugh, he's so annoying." And also gay for Quinlin, but ce didn't say that.

Della shrugged, "He's alright. And like I said, my parents really want us to get together."

"And you? Do you want that?"

For a long time, she said nothing. Then, finally- "I want to make my parents happy."

Wherever the fuck Lord and Lady Vacker were, Livvy wanted to go yell at them again. Or let cer fist do the talking. "I wish you would stop letting them control your li-"

"Can we just drop it? Please?" Something about the look in her eyes made Livvy agree, against cer better judgement. The conversation drifted to hair, to fashion, to classes. Anything easy and meaningless. Eventually, they settled down for the night, and Livvy played the more serious part of their conversation over again in cer head. Ce rolled over.

"You deserve to make yourself happy too," ce said to Della's back. She didn't respond. Maybe she was already asleep.

___

"Alden's thinking of proposing," Della said, lying on the grass.

She didn't make eye contact with Livvy, who sat bolt upright and exclaimed "He's what now?" For a moment, ce tried to imagine it. Della in a white dress, looking ethereal, holding a bouquet. Alden in a tuxedo, not a hair out of place, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. The two of them settling into a nice, normal, perfect picture of an elvin family. Ce imagined Della smiling at the wedding, the smile not quite reaching her eyes.

"I overheard him talking with Quinlin about it."

"Guess the surprise is ruined, then." It was too easy to keep a smile on cer face, play the role of a supportive best friend.

Della sat up and finally looked at Livvy. "I don't mind. It's nice to have a heads up, I suppose, so I don't have to decide on the spot."

This time, Livvy was the one to look away. "What are you going to say? Do you think?"

"I don't know. Probably yes. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him."

"Wouldn't mind," ce repeated. "How romantic. Do you really want to marry Alden? I've seen you look at a half-burnt ripplefluff with more love in your eyes than when you look at him, that can't be how you really want your future to look. What do you want? Who do you want?"

"You," Della whispered, and a tear slipped down her cheek. "Dammit, Livvy, I've wanted you all along."

This had to be a daydream. This had to be a daydream. Because Della was cer friend, and had been for a long time, but she'd never shown any indication of living a life outside of what heteronormative elvin society wanted. Livvy? Livvy was not what heteronormative elvin society wanted. And yet... and yet, there wasn't a trace of anything less than honesty written across Della's face, and this was real. Somehow, this was real. So ce reached out to take her hand. "I didn't think there was a hell you could want me back, not like... that."

"Well, you are a dumb lesbian."

Ce breathed a laugh. "That I am." Della stayed silent a moment longer. Never looking away from Livvy's eyes save for when her gaze slipped down to cer lips and then back up, no longer than a second. Livvy broke the silence with an unplanned, but long overdue, "Can I kiss you?"

She nodded.

And ce did. Ce kissed her.

___

Della had been avoiding cer. For a week. Livvy was going to murder her. If ce didn't die first, because cer lungs really disagreed with chasing after Della this fast for this long. Raindrops splattered against cer face and puddles splashed as ce stomped into them. "Della!" No response. "Della! You can't avoid me forever! Why won't you fucking talk to me?"

She finally stopped running and turned to face Livvy. Damp hair clung to her forehead, and Livvy had the odd urge to move it away for her. "Because if I come back and talk to you, I'm not sure I'll have the strength to leave you again."

"Why do you even want to leave me!"

"I don't! Livvy, it's never been about what I want. You know that. We've both known that for a long time."

Ce didn't know if that was a tear or a raindrop on cer face, and ce didn't particularly care. "I thought you might want me enough to change your mind about that."

"You thought wrong." Della groaned as the sky behind her thundered. "We can't... we can't be together. Not like this. I wish we could, but... we can't."

"Okay," Livvy said simply, and ran back in the other direction before Della could see cer crying.

___

A knock sounded on cer door. "Liv?" came Elwin's voice.

"Do you have more ice cream?"

"I don't, no."

Ce scowled. "Then go away!"

"I do have a gift."

"I don't give a shit."

"It's rainbow."

That got cer attention. "Fine. Come in."

Their eyes widened as they walked inside. "Wow. You look..."

"Like shit, I know." Ce sniffed. "This whole thing is shitty."

"It is. I'm sorry. But I brought you something to try and make this a little bit less shitty. Meet your emotional support stuffed animal, Natasha the Narwhal." They brought their hand out from behind their back. Sure enough, they had a stuffed narwhal, and it was rainbow. It did make this a little bit less shitty. Livvy took it gratefully and hugged it to cer chest.

As Elwin sat on the bed next to cer, ce began sobbing again. "She just- she just fucking broke up with me! We were barely even together and she broke up with me and now she's gonna marry Alden, of all people, because she's not willing to take the risk of being with me and she's barely even speaking to me and we can't be together and it's just- it's all awful, Elwin."

Wrapping cer in a hug, they agreed "It's fucking awful."

___

"I can't believe you're going through with this," Livvy said. In another world, this moment could have been beautiful. Della in her white dress and veil, bouquet in her hand. Livvy wearing a suit and tie, rainbow beads woven into cer hair. If ce was the one set to marry her in an hour, this scene would have been something out of a fairy tale. But now? It was something out of a nightmare. "I can't believe you're going to marry him."

Della sighed. "I don't want to fight right now. It's my wedding, Livvy, can't you at least pretend to be happy for me?"

Ce probably could pretend, but ce didn't want to. Instead, ce took a step closer, noticing the way Della flinched at how close their faces were. Her grip around the flowers were so tight her knuckles had nearly turned white, posture rigid. "I would be happy for you if you were happy. Is this making you happy?"

"Yes. I'm happy."

The pause she took before answering was barely noticeable, but it told Livvy a lot. Della's gaze didn't quite meet cers, eyes downcast and sorrowful. Her voice trembled and went up an octave. Livvy stared as Della shuffled her feet. Finally, ce said "You're a damn terrible liar."

As though she'd been slapped, Della stepped backwards. "I-"

"Della, I wish you the best, but I can't watch you make yourself miserable to make someone else happy. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. Give Alden my congratulations." Before seeing her reaction, ce spun around, trying to hide the tears spilling out. "Goodbye." If Della responded, Livvy didn't stick around long enough to hear it, nearly running in cer need to get out of here, get out, get out. Between sobbing and not paying any attention to cer surroundings, ce did not notice Quinlin just ahead of cer.

“Are you okay?” he asked, stepping to the side just before ce could slam into him. Livvy knew ce had to look a mess right now, with red puffy eyes and fire burning in cer clenched fists. Quinlin didn’t look much better, with tears glistening in his own eyes. The absurdity of the situation almost made cer laugh- two pining gay fools, in love with someone who loved them back but refused to act on it.

”Fan-fucking-tastic,” Livvy replied, trying to force cer breathing into some semblance of normal. “You?”

Quinlin sighed. “He’s my best friend. I should be celebrating with him.”

”You love him,” ce said. It wasn’t a question.

”Against my better judgement. I try to be content with where our relationship is right now, as cognates, but I can’t help wanting…” His voice trailed off and he swiped at his eyes. “You understand. I’ve seen the way you look at Della.”

Despite cerself, ce smiled. “You’d have to be blind not to.”

After a beat of silence, the question flew out of nowhere. “Do you want to get married?”

“What?”

Slumping against the wall, Quinlin buried his face in his hands. “It’s not a terrible idea. After all, neither of us will be able to marry the people we truly love. People ask too many questions if we don’t marry anyone eventually, and at least this way we won’t be leading anyone on.” As much as ce hated to admit it, he had a point. But… could ce really do that? Without vomiting? Livvy didn’t know, and Quinlin seemed to sense cer confusion. “You don’t have to decide anything right away. Just… think about it. In the meantime, I hope you get through tonight without making yourself sick on ice cream.”

”I probably will. It’s the only coping mechanism I know.”

“I should try it.”

Livvy smiled again and walked away, before pausing. “Quinlin?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too.”

___

As one does when they're heartbroken and yearning, Livvy threw cerself into work, trying to really earn the Doctor in Dr. Lesbian. That kept cer thoughts occupied enough with diseases and injuries and elixirs that they were less occupied by Della. Finally, cer mentors considered cer adept enough to truly become a doctor, and job interviews started. Job interviews, Livvy decided, were the worst thing to exist.

Ce rattled off cer qualifications, greatest strengths (quick thinking in stressful situations that didn't involve cute girls) and biggest weaknesses (cute girls, but ce said it was prioritizing different tasks). What ce did not expect to be asked was about cer match status. The aforementioned quick thinking in stressful situations came in handy.

"Oh! Um. Yeah, I haven't been matched with anyone yet since I was trying to focus on my studies, but I was planning to register soon." Was ce planning to register soon? As of two seconds ago. That counted as a plan.

The interviewer nodded. "I see. Well, it's very important that elves in a noble profession such as this one are good matches."

Why did ce want to be a doctor again?

"Especially if you plan to work with children as your resume states, I know many parents would not want their children seeing a physician whose relationships..." He gestured vaguely. "Deviate from the norm."

Apparently Livvy gave off the impression that ce was queer. With the rainbow beads, frog earrings, and leg thrown over the arm of the chair? Who could have predicted. Thoughts swirling to fix this mess, that apparently being cerself would make cer dream job much harder, ce searched for a solution. When it finally hit cer, it was obvious. But oh, not something ce wanted to do, not at all. When ce was finally dismissed from the interview, ce grabbed cer imparter, pulled a face, and said "Show me Quinlin."

___

Livvy Sonden got married.

It wasn't a fairy tale wedding, didn't even give off that facade like Della's. No, this was as unromantic as possible. Livvy and Quinlin coordinated to make their match packets indicate the other, and both ended up on each list. So, they went to the matchmaker's office again, go the papers signed, and then they were legally married. How wonderful.

"Congratulations," Della said, the first word she'd spoken after a month of Livvy artfully avoiding her.

"What?"

"I heard you got married."

It was hardly something to congratulate, but Livvy nodded. "I did."

"Ironic, after you yelled at me at my wedding for... what was it? Making myself miserable to make someone else happy?"

Ce should have known she'd bring this up. Livvy sighed and rubbed cer temples. "I married Quinlin for the legal protections. I don't love him, and I'm not pretending I do or deluding myself into thinking I can have the nice heterosexual family the world wants me to have. Our disinterest is mutual. And besides, you chose to make yourself miserable. I was already miserable, so I might as well get tax benefits. It's not like marrying the person I love was an option for me, not after someone took that option away."

Too late, ce realized ce had just told Della ce loved her. This wasn't exactly a sort of romantic confession.

"Well..." Della cleared her throat. "I brought you a gift. Congratulations on the tax benefits, I suppose."

She walked away. Livvy didn't stop her.

___

Prentice was gone, and everything was awful, and Tiergan's Beatles doorbell was ringing, and Livvy was going to murder Alden Vacker. "Fuck off!" ce yelled, swinging the door open to reveal... Della. "Oh! It's you. Never mind."

"Who did you think I was?"

"Your husband. He's been here three times already, trying to apologize and 'make amends,' like anything could possibly replace..."

Della cut cer off. "I'm sorry. I know this obviously isn't amends or a replacement or anything, but I really just want to help in whatever tiny, meaningless way I can, so... I brought you mallowmelt." She held out a container and Livvy took it, thanking her. "How is everyone holding up?"

"About the same," Livvy said, which was to say, fucking horribly.

"I'm sorry," Della said again.

"How is Alden's nose doing?"

"Almost entirely healed."

How dare he be almost healed, when everything else was so broken? Cer grip on the mallowmelt tightened. "Tiergan should have fucked his face up worse," ce muttered.

"I agree." They fell silent, and Della's posture turned rigid, feet shuffling. "Livvy, I have to ask... are you involved with that group Prentice worked with? The Black Swan?"

Panic shot through cer; anger along with it. Ce snapped, "Why do you ask? Reporting back to your husband, so you can destroy our family even more?"

Della took a step back. "No! I wouldn't do that, Livvy, I promise. I- Liv, if you are working with them, and you don't have to tell me, but you have to stop. Stop working with them immediately. After what happened to Prentice, I just- rebellion is dangerous, and I just don't want you to get hurt." How ironic, from the girl who took cer heart and shattered it.

"You don't get to talk. You've already hurt me." With that, Livvy slammed the door shut.

___

Ce wasn’t sure why ce decided to come to Everglen with Quinlin. Talking to Della sounded painful, so why the hell would ce go to her house? Did ce want some semblance of closure? Maybe there was something in Livvy that wanted to be her friend again, wanted… this was a bad idea, and Livvy knew it was a bad idea, but here ce was, behind Quinlin as he rang the doorbell.

Alden answered. “Quinlin!” The look of terror as Quinlin was attacked by a hug and nearly lifted off his feet made Livvy laugh. “And Livvy, hello.”

Ce glared at him and deadpanned “Nice nose you got there, it sure would be a shame if something were to happen to it.”

He backed away from cer. “Again, I am truly sorry about-“

”Whatever. Is Della home?”

”Upstairs, first room on the right.”

Livvy nodded, wiggled cer eyebrows at Quinlin- who still had his arms around Alden and flushed when he saw- and took the stairs two at a time. Only after standing still outside Della’s room for a solid thirty seconds did ce realize that hurrying was a stupid idea. And it was stupid to stand here frozen, afraid. Ce knocked. “Della?”

”Livvy? What are you doing here?”

”Quinlin wanted to stop by and do some… paperwork with Alden. I figured we should talk.”

“I owe you an apology.”

Livvy snorted. “No shit, Sherlock.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you did.”

Sitting down on the bed, Della curled her knees to her chest. Livvy sat down next to her, the distance between them only am excruciating couple of inches. Her voice cracked as she said “I know. Fuck, I know you still got hurt, and I wish you didn’t. I never meant for… any of this to happen. I thought we could just be friends and I wouldn’t like you the way I shouldn’t. Because I’d already resigned myself to the fact that I would marry a man someday and I wouldn’t be happy but being around you… it made me stupid. It made me forget that. So when I fell back to reality, I made you come crashing down with me, and I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t have to make us come crashing down. We could have stayed like that. We could have been happy, but you chose to ruin it.”

“I didn’t have a choice!”

Livvy glared. “Of course you had a choice!”

“You don’t fucking get it!” Della screamed, jumping to her feet.

Deathly quiet, Livvy said “Then explain it to me.”

“Your parents are- your parents are wonderful. They love you. They don’t love you if or love you as long as or love you until. They love you, and they make you happy and you make them happy. I’m glad you have that, but that’s not how things are for me. When I told my parents I liked girls, they told me I had to stop. That Vackers couldn’t be gay. I want to be with you, but you can’t always fucking get what you want.”

Their hands were clasped. When did that happen? Livvy didn’t let go, even though ce knew ce should. Instead, ce laced their fingers together like they were still kids running and laughing through empty hallways and whispered “You deserve to get what you want.”

Della was the one to let go, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “No. I don’t.”

“Del-"

“I think you should go. I’m sorry, but whatever we might have had… it can’t happen.”

Livvy walked to the door and leaned cer head against it. “I know.”

“Can we still be friends?”

“I think so. I need time.”

“Okay. I understand.”

“Goodbye, Della.”

The step ce took out the door was the hardest movement ce’d ever had to make. Unconvinced ce wouldn't lose this battle with cerself and turn back if given the opportunity, ce took off running, down the stairs, out the door, running away from Della, away from heartbreak, not running fast enough.

___

Their friendship was... awkward, to say the least. It was hard to look Della in the eye, now, and ce had a sneaking suspicion she was avoiding cer gaze too. Every interaction was filled with foot tapping and nervous glances at the clock, a pitiful shadow of the easy friendship they used to have. Other than when Livvy came along with Quinlin to visit Everglen, they almost never spoke, and even then, they spent most of their time baking side by side, in silence, or talking with the kids. The kids were nice; Alvar first, then Fitz and Biana. Della had a husband and three children and looked like the perfect picture of a happy family. She looked happy. But Livvy knew her, or at least thought ce did, and she wasn't happy.

They ran into each other from time to time, and occasionally caught up over coffee in Atlantis. But nothing was like it was before, and Livvy hated it.

When Alden's mind broke, the thought crossed cer mind, that ce should go to Everglen and be there for Della. Offer Natasha the Narwhal and cer shoulder to cry on. But that was something a best friend would do, and they weren't best friends anymore. Acquaintances, at best, and it felt like a punch to the gut when ce remembered... Della wanted to grieve with her family. Livvy was not a part of her family.

Ce left her alone.

"Hey, Dr. Lesbian!" Blur, the first to notice cer walking into Alluveterre, said. "How's it going?"

"Well, Alden is over at our house for some... cognate training, so I decided I'd give them a bit of privacy for their totally-not-gay-not-if-we're-cognate shenanigans." Ce sighed and shook cer head.

The group laughed, and Tiergan shook his head along with cer. "Well, now that you're here, there's probably something we should tell you. We've got a new addition to the Black Swan, and... well, it's Della Vacker. She's here. Don't kill me. If you're going to kill someone for allowing this, kill Forkle." Forkle gave xem an incredulous look, and it would have been funny any other time. Currently, Livvy was busy going through ten different emotions in the span of a second. Shock. Anger. Excitement.

And panic. A lot of panic. "Della Vacker? As in, Radelle Adara Vacker?"

"Her name is Radelle?" Juline asked.

Livvy, still panicking, didn't answer. "As in, the Della I fell in love with and may or may not still be in love with? That Della?"

"The look on your face," Tiergan chuckled.

"Tiergan, this is not funny! My unresolved lesbian ex is now part of my rebellion group! Tiergan! Stop laughing at me! What do I do?" Continuing to laugh, Tiergan did not listen in the slightest. Livvy huffed and began frantically pacing the room, thinking about what ce would do if- when- ce saw Della. Yell at her? Hug her? Both? Just stand there like a fool? This was immensely frustrating. And if Livvy spent the next few weeks rearranging cer schedule with the Black Swan so as not to interrupt with said unresolved lesbian ex, that was no one's business but cer own.

Finally, when Fitz got stabbed by some sort of venomous bug, ce couldn't avoid Della any longer. Livvy tried very hard not to let the fear in her voice break cer heart as she demanded to see if her son was okay. The door clicked open and Wraith walked in with a teary-eyed Della, saying "It's gonna be okay, Dr. Lesbian will take good care of him."

"I did not agree to that code name!" Forkle called, across the hallway.

"Dr. Lesbian is a fantastic code name!" Livvy yelled back.

It was only when Della said "Livvy?" that ce realized, Forkle had a point about the code name giving cer away.

"Guilty as charged."

Della opened her mouth. Closed it again. Repeated the action. Finally, she settled on "I don't know why I'm surprised."

"Yeah, joining a gay rebel group seems right up my alley." Ce scratched the back of cer neck. "Fitz will be okay. It'll suck for a while, but he'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" Her voice shook, and somehow, that convinced Livvy to reach out and take her hand like the idiot lesbian ce was. Never mind the fact that this would surely make things much, much more awkward in the days to come, and would not do anything to resolve these unresolved feelings, Della was in pain and ce wanted to be there for her.

It definitely did not send butterflies spiraling through when she squeezed cer hand back. "Yeah, I'm sure. I've seen way worse."

"Thank you." She let go of cer hand then, and ce tried not to let disappointment sting cer. "I'll... let you concentrate on saving my son, I guess."

Livvy nodded and got back to work. Finally, when ce was confident that Fitz was not in any immediate danger, ce slumped into the seat beside Della. "I think these dumb kids should stop getting injured. This shit is exhausting. At least Elwin's finally catching a break."

"At least Elwin's finally catching a break," she agreed. "I love your code name, by the way."

"That is not cer code name," insisted Forkle.

"Whatever you say, Loki, Dr. Lesbian is a fantastic name."

Della cracked a small smile. "Ce's right." Livvy smiled back, and considering how awkward ce thought it would be to talk to Della again, in reality, it didn't feel that way at all. It felt like coming home.

___

"I've realized there is a bit of tension between some members of this group," Forkle started.

Livvy cut him off with "Nooo, really?" and pretended not to notice Della's eyes on cer.

Like he hadn't heard, Forkle continued "So I thought it would be a good idea to have some time to bond. Tonight, we will be playing monopoly!"

"You realize that's only going to make us hate each other more," Juline said. Everyone else nodded, and Forkle scowled.

"Just enjoy your game night."

And, somehow, they did. Livvy played banker, causing Blur to accuse cer of cheating and Della to accuse him of being a sore loser. Wraith, who was normally anti-capitalist, decided capitalism was fun if it meant he got to beat Tiergan at monopoly. The group yelled insults and threw pieces at each other and Livvy laughed until cer throat hurt. Ce couldn't remember having this much fun in a... in a really long time.

"Eat the rich!" Della screamed as Livvy counted out cer money.

Juline smirked. "You want to eat Livvy?"

As her face turned bright red, ce could barely breathe through laughter. Ce fell over onto Della's shoulder, gasping for air. "You should see the look on your face," ce managed. Della sighed and shook her head, eyes filled with fondness. When ce could finally breathe, ce stayed on her shoulder, smiling softly and staring at the ceiling. This was... this was nice.

Oh.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

"Why am I such an idiot?" Livvy whined as Elwin took a seat, or what passed for a seat among queers, between cer and Tiergan.

"Because this group of people has one brain cell and most of the time, I have it. What's the occasion?"

Resting cer chin in cer palms, ce said "I may or may not still be in love with Della."

"Were you not already aware of this?" Tiergan asked.

"No? I mean, I knew there were some unresolved feelings, but this is... I'm in love in love."

Xe shook his head. "You are... absolutely blind. Did you not... how. How is that possible. Any time she's in a room with you, you don't pay attention to anything except sending her longing glances. Sophie picked up on the fact that there was something going on between you two, do you know how rare that is?"

"Okay, you do not get to lecture me on longing glances sent within this gay rebellion group," Livvy said before letting out a cough that sounded much like Prentice Endal.

"At least I'm aware that I'm gay for him!"

Elwin laughed and said "I'd be concerned if you weren't."

Ce turned to them. "You're the only functional person here! The one with the braincell! Help, what do I do?" They only shrugged in response, and Livvy rubbed cer temples. "Please, Elwin, I am having a gay crisis!"

"When are you not?"

They had a point. Livvy groaned and slumped over onto them. "Della fucking Vacker. Why does my dumb lesbian heart keep liking her? Fuck. I know letter her into my heart means she can break it, and she already has, but- fuck! I'd let her destroy it again if that meant we got to be happily in love first. Why can't I stop being in love with her? This is so fucking annoying."

"More and more I see the wisdom in abandoning romance, collecting stuffed animals, and adopting children," sighed Elwin.

Tiergan nodded. "You are absolutely correct."

"I should try that, but no, Della has to be really hot! How is it even possible for her to be that hot! This is so unfair! Why must I be a stupid lesbian cursed with a goddess of an ex?"

"Yeah, that sucks," said Elwin.

Ce sighed. "No shit."

___

Ce woke to the sound of Juline screaming. "Dr. Lesbian! Get your ass over to Everglen! Della's hurt!" As ce scrambled to get cer supplies together at a speed ce hadn't previously thought was possible, the words echoed, drowning everything else out; Della's hurt, Della's hurt, Della's hurt. Cer Della. Hurt.

"Shit, fuck-" It was a miracle ce didn't break anything, with the number of times Livvy tripped over cer own feet while running into Everglen. "Della! Della!" In cer interview, ce'd prided cerself on quick thinking in stressful situations. But this? This was a stressful situations ce could not think quickly in. Pretty girls were cer only weakness, after all. As ce began tending to the worst of her wounds, a gash just above her hip, Juline filled cer in on the situation. A Neverseen attack. Biana was also hurt, and Elwin was taking care of aer.

Livvy swept a strand of hair out of Della's face, revealing a purple bruise on her chin. "Don't you dare die on me," ce whispered, voice thick with tears.

"Hey," came a quiet voice from behind cer, as ce triple-checked that the cabinet had all the medicines ce thought they'd need. Ce turned around. Elwin. "Liv, you should go... eat. Or get some rest, or really just... anything in the interest of self preservation."

"Absolutely not. I'm busy with Della preservation."

They sighed. "Okay, but when Della wakes and finds out I let you do a shit job taking care of yourself, she's gonna kill me. And she is terrifying."

"She is, isn't she?" Livvy said, a fond smile on cer face.

"Of course that's attractive to you. Allos are weird."

"Damn right. But what makes you think Della would kill you over my shit self care? It's not like she cares about me."

Elwin sighed again, longer this time. "Livvy. Liv. I say this with all the love in my heart, but you are the stupidest person I've ever met."

"Rude!"

"Yeah, but it's true. The whole damn time, she's cared about you so much."

Livvy looked over at Della, still asleep. "If she cared, why did she hurt me?"

"Because she was afraid of how much she loved you."

That made sense, and Livvy was absolutely done talking about this. "I'm gonna go to Kesler's store to restock on some elixirs, okay?"

"Stop running away from your feelings!"

"Absolutely the fuck not!"

Ce tried, ce really did. But the thing about Della was, no matter how much Livvy tried to run, it was damn near impossible to stay away.

___

It was unclear whether ce was asleep, but a soft "Liv?" immediately got cer attention.

"Della!?"

The grin that split her face was, hands down, the most beautiful thing ce had ever seen. "Livvy."

"You- you're okay." Cer hands clapped to cer mouth.

"Okay is debatable. But I'm alive."

Half a laugh, half a sob, bubbled out. "You are. If you died, I would have brought you back just to kill you myself. Never scare me like that again, Radelle Adara Vacker, I was so fucking scared." Livvy reached out and took her hand in cers. "No more almost dying, you promise?"

"I promise."

"I'm gonna hold you to that."

Della's cheeks flushed pink. "Is Biana okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, Elwin's been taking good care of aer."

She nodded, sighing with relief. Tension returned to her shoulders as she struggled to a sitting position and said "There's something I should tell you."

"Okay."

"So, I was planning to tell you... in the ambiguous later. Which might have been code for never, but I thought I would have an eternity to try. After this, though... I guess I might not have an eternity to try. I guess later might not be guaranteed. So. I'm gonna tell you now. Except I'm not, because I'm stalling. Which I should probably stop doing, so, here goes. Livvy, I've been scared of you for... a really long time. At first, I was scared of you because you were really cute and I would get flustered around you. And then I got to know you, and it scared me because... because I knew I wasn't supposed to love you, and I did. And I do."

Almost to cerself, Livvy repeated "And you do." It was impossible to believe, that after everything-

Something in cer heart splintered and came back together, all at once.

Della tugged at the frayed edges of her sleeves. "I'm still scared, I think. But, you know, I've been thinking about mortality and everything, and... if I don't know how much time I have left, I don't want to spend that time living a life I don't even want because I'm too afraid of what I feel for you."

"About time," Livvy said, trying to keep cer voice light, but cer breath caught as ce leaned in closer. Their noses were close to touching.

"So... I'm going to file a match fail with Alden. And then, I might try living the life I actually want."

Ce reaches out, fingers tracing Della's cheek. "And who might that life include?"

"Oh, there's this person I like... ce's a doctor, and ce's so smart but also kind of a disaster. It's cute. Ce doesn't put up with anyone's bullshit, and ce was the first person to tell me that what I wanted mattered. I think ce might have been right. I should probably listen to cer."

"You should."

"I kind of want to kiss cer."

Hardly daring to breathe, Livvy repeated "You should."

The gap between them closed, and Livvy was finally home.

[gay-otlc]

Illegal Rebellions Can Be Stressful

Summary: To cope with the stress of running an illegal organization, Forkle suggests that the Black Swan have weekly game nights. Chaos ensues.

Content warning for cursing, but I think that's it

Word count: 2592

Inspired by this post, @contingthestarsaboveourheads

Read on AO3

"Don't miss this meeting," Forkle had said. "This is incredibly important." Livvy wasn't entirely sure what ce had been expecting when Forkle said that. Maybe something to do with the recent project they'd all taken on, Project Moonlark? Or they had to prepare for a completely legal, what are you talking about, trip to the Forbidden Cities? Whatever it was, Livvy was glad for something to distract cer from the fact that Della just had a son and seemed very happy with Alden and ce totally wasn't jealous, not at all. Not at all! At least it would be something to do other than steal ice cream from Tiergan and watch sad human movies. And from the sound of it, this meeting was very serious.

Livvy showed up a very fashionable two minutes late. Everyone else was already there. Despite the two couches on either side of the room, no one was seated in anything resembling a normal fashion. Neither did ce, sitting upon the armrest of a couch with Wraith's cloak- and presumably the rest of them- lying across. Forkle glared. "Now that everyone is here, we can go on to our first order of business. Illegal rebellions can be stressful, but if we are to work as a team, we will have to build our trust in one another and become closer as friends."

Tiergan nodded sagely and threw a glance at Prentice, who xe was currently holding hands with. "Ah. Yes. Friends."

Ignoring him, Forkle continued. "With this in mind, I have decided that the Black Swan should have weekly game nights. Tonight, we will be playing a human game called Uno." He reached into his pocket and brought out a stack of multicolored cards, held together with a rubber band. Then, he brought a chair to the table in the center of the room and sat. "Come on. I'll explain the rules."

Everyone hesitantly made their way over to the table. No one else sat on a chair. Everyone else sat on the floor, and Livvy perched cerself on the edge of the table, pretending not to notice Forkle roll his eyes as he dealt the cards into five piles. "Each card has a number and a color," he explained. "You have to place a card down that matches the previous card in either number or color. If you cannot, you pick up an additional card from the stack here. The object to the game is to get rid of all your cards. When you are down to one card, you must say 'uno.' I'm not entirely sure what it means, but that's irrelevant. The deck also consists of special cards, and you can place them down if they are the correct color. They can reverse the direction of the game, skip the person beside you, or force the person beside you to pick up extra cards. There is also a card that allows you to change the color. Is that understood?"

Livvy nodded, and the rest of the group did the same. Forkle smiled. "You may pick up your cards."

The first card down was a blue two. Forkle placed a green two on top of it and gestured for Livvy to go. The only green card ce had was a plus two, so ce put that down and glanced at Prentice.

He glared at the table. "Does that mean I have to pick up two cards?" When Forkle nodded, he turned his glare to Livvy. "Shit. Tiergan, you go."

Tiergan placed a green six on the pile. A green eight from Wraith followed. Forkle paused for a moment. Then, looked half apologetic, he placed down a card and said "Prentice, your turn."

"The fuck!? Did you just skip me!?" exclaimed Livvy.

"You deserve worse for making me draw two," said Prentice dryly, and put down a green three. Tiergan cursed under xyr breath and took a card from the stack. Then he smiled and put it down. A red three.

Wraith put down a red reverse card. "Tiergan, your turn again."

"Gay rights."

The game continued in a similar fashion, until Livvy was down to only one card. "Hell yeah! Um... uno?" Prentice looked nervous as he placed his card on the messy stack.

As Tiergan said "Uno," the tension in the room grew. Ce glared at xem, trying to make it clear that this victory was cers. Wraith took their turn, and as Forkle considered his options, Tiergan exclaimed "Skip cer! Ce's going to win!"

"Hell yeah, I'm gonna win!" Livvy exclaimed, pumping cer fist. Sure enough, the card Forkle eventually decided on was blue, just like the last remaining card in cer hand. Livvy savored the moment as ce dramatically lifted the card in the air for everyone to see and slammed it down the table. "I win, bitches!"

Tiergan flipped the table.

---

Prentice absolutely did not get paid enough for this job. Teaching wasn't so bad. It was occasionally fun, even. But if he had to hear a group of teenagers gossiping about this poor girl Jolie's bad match, he was going to commit a felony. More felonies than he already had, that was. This was giving him a headache. Right now, a girl whose name he couldn't remember for the life of him was berating Jolie, exclaiming "You need to marry someone on one of your lists! That's how the matchmaking system works!"

"Well then, fuck the way the matchmaking system works!" snapped Jolie, drawing gasps from the other students. Prentice just nodded. She had a point. "The old ways don't apply to the present day, okay? Fuck off!"

Yeah, this girl would fit right in with the Black Swan. Prentice made a mental note to speak with her after the day's classes. A day of grading papers went by far too slowly, but eventually, that was over and he could go recruit Jolie. When he found her, she looked like she was about to punch the boy across from her. And as much as he wanted to, he shouldn't condone violence, so he cut in. "Miss Ruewen, could I speak with you in my office?"

She looked terrified- was he that intimidating?- but followed him into his office anyway. He took a seat at his desk, and she sat across from him, fiddling with her hair. "I notice many students here have been bothering you, due to your relationship with someone not on your match list."

"Why does it fucking matter that he's talentless?" she snapped, glaring at him.

"I agree. And I liked what you said earlier, about the old ways not applying anymore."

Her fierce expression melted to confusion. "I- you did?"

"Yeah. I think you have a good point."

"I do?"

"Yes, you do. I'm actually friends with a group of people who are disappointed in our world's unwillingness to let go of old traditions and progress with the times, and we're trying our best to change things. Is that something you'd be interested in?"

Jolie shuffled her feet. "I'm not sure."

"We're meeting tonight, if you'd like to come along to that. It's our game night. We're playing Clue." That seemed to do the trick. She nodded. "Great. Enjoy the chance to procrastinate on any homework you've been assigned tonight." Okay, so, as a teacher, he probably wasn't supposed to encourage procrastination. But whatever. He reached into his pocket and brought out a leaping crystal. They were meeting at Tiergan's house tonight, as he'd promised to provide snacks. Jolie looked at the leaping crystal, and then at Prentice, and then nodded again. The two leapt away. Prentice rang the doorbell, and the weird human music Tiergan liked played before xe answered.

"You brought someone," he noticed as he let them in.

"This is Jolie. She's one of my students and she hates the matchmaking system."

Jolie waved, looking nervous, but Tiergan smiled. "Nice to meet you, Jolie. Wraith's setting up in the living room, come on."

Livvy was also there, on time for once in cer life, but ce wasn't helping to set up the game, just watching with mild amusement and eating chips. Forkle arrived not long after that. Jolie introduced herself, and Wraith explained the game, and the six began playing. Prentice was pretty sure the weapon was a knife and had narrowed it down to about three rooms, but had no fucking clue who the murderer was, other than that it wasn't Mrs Peacock (Forkle). No one within the group trusted one another, or even themselves. To say the least, it was tense.

Across the room, Jolie's eyes lit up. "I accuse Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with a knife!" she declared.

"Is that your final guess?" Livvy asked.

Jolie nodded, and Livvy slid the confidential file over to her. With shaky fingers, she pried it open and spilled the cards out one by one. Kitchen. Knife. Colonel Mustard. She pumped a fist. "I was right!"

In shock, Prentice turned to Tiergan. "You were the murderer all along?"

"Apparently."

"I can't believe you. Why?"

"Well, I was in the kitchen, so I'd imagine the motive was food related. Maybe my victim was trying to eat my mallowmelt. In which case, murder would be totally justified, right?" Agreement rang out throughout the room. "What I want to know is how the newbie managed to beat Forkle. He always wins at Clue." Jolie's cheeks turned pink, and Forkle crossed his arms.

As Prentice cleared up the game pieces and Tiergan went to get more snacks, Jolie began speaking to Forkle about joining the Black Swan. She seemed interested, so apparently the game night left a good impression. By the time Prentice decided he'd better get back to Foxfire, Jolie had agreed to join. As the two left, he could've sworn he heard Forkle muttering that he would beat Jolie next time.

---

When Blur had first joined the Black Swan, he'd been hoping to be in a group with people slightly more... competent. Then again, if everyone here was a chaotic dumbass, he'd fit right in. The group had seemed sane enough at first, but at his first game night, where they were playing Settlers of Catan, he was quickly learning just how wrong he'd been.

"You are not getting longest road, bitch!" screamed a blond elf whose name he definitely didn't forget, not at all. That would be ridiculous to suggest. Whatever his name was, he was staring at Livvy with absolute rage in his eyes. Livvy only smiled as ce bought another road, added it to cer chain, and took the longest road card in cer hands. The first elf slumped over. "Shit."

"My condolences, Tiergan," said Forkle, moving to roll the die. Cool. Tiergan. That was his name. Not that Blur had forgotten it or anything, of course. "Seven. I believe this means I finally get to move this damn robber piece off of my wheat supply." He picked it up and placed it down on a the wood surrounding Livvy's city.

Ce gasped. "Fuck you, Loki!"

He ignored cer. "Prentice, your cards." Prentice echoed Livvy's sentiments as he held them up, glaring further when Forkle picked one away and glanced at it.

"That was my only brick, you asshole!"

"Oh, good. I needed a brick."

What the fuck is wrong with these people? wondered Blur, as he rolled the die and collected an ore. Oh, hell yeah! He cashed in the ore, a wheat, and a sheep for a development card. A monopoly card, apparently. He fought to keep his expression neutral, so as not to give away that he'd just gotten the best card in the entire game. The game moved on. Blur gained a surprising amount of wheat, and watched Forkle try to restrain Livvy from punching Tiergan when he earned back the longest road. Try was the key word. And then it was Blur's turn again, and he grinned as he flipped over the monopoly card. "Everyone, give me all your ore!"

Jolie's jaw dropped. "What the- what the fuck? Can he do that?"

"Monopoly card, bitches! Hand it over."

Grumbling curses, the rest of the Black Swan gave Blur his rightful ore. Several of them gave him the finger as well. He didn't really mind, not when he was about to win this. With his newly obtained ore and the wheat he'd gotten earlier, he managed to convert two of his settlements to cities. Those gave him the extra two points he needed to win, and he danced in triumph as the others threw game pieces at him. He only laughed at their rage. This was such a weird fucking group of people.

---

"I'm sorry, did you say we'll be playing Twister?" Forkle asked, staring incredulously at the Black Swan's newest member. He was well acquainted with the concept of the game, given how he'd heard Sophie complain about it back in the Forbidden Cities. When he'd told Juline she could pick the game for their next game night, he definitely had not been expecting this. To his dismay, Juline nodded. "Why the hell would you bring Twister?"

"I play it with my kids a lot, it's fun!"

Forkle shook his head solemnly. "It is not fun. Trust me, you wouldn't catch me dead on a twister mat."

Fifteen minutes later, not only was Forkle playing twister- he was winning. The group had unanimously decided that Blur couldn't play, since he could use his ability to cheat, so he was off to the side judging the match. Tiergan had gotten out on the second round, and Livvy followed soon after, grabbing a camera as soon as ce left the mat. Forkle loathed his entire existence. Wraith was eliminated soon after that, and it was between just him and Juline.

"Wouldn't be caught dead on a twister mat, huh?" she teased.

He only groaned in response. In the background, he could hear Livvy's camera clicking, and Tiergan cackling. He wished his hands were free so he could flip them both off, but tragically, his hands were busy holding him in a position that no body should physically be able to twist into. It didn't make sense, how this was possible. The more he questioned it, the more he just got angry with this entire situation. "Right foot on yellow!" Blur called.

Forkle grunted and turned sideways as his right foot swept over to the yellow part of the mat. Distantly, he heard a "Fuck!" and Juline crashed to the floor. "You win, Forkle."

"Can I stop now?" he gasped. She nodded, and that was all the permission he needed to collapse beside her.

"Holy shit," Tiergan choked out through laughter. "Holy shit, I can't believe he won."

Yeah, neither could he. "Fuck you," he mumbled into the mat.

"I got so many good pictures for the scrapbook!"

Since when did they even have a scrapbook? Regardless, it was fan-fucking-tastic to know his suffering would be immortalized like that, forever in the Black Swan scrapbook for his colleagues to laugh at. It wasn't fucking funny. "Fuck you," he repeated. Based on Livvy's giggle, ce did not care in the least how pissed off he was. This was terrible. He would never be taken seriously as the leader again. Wasn't this what he'd wanted? For everyone to have a bonding experience through these game nights? It seemed that they were now bonding over laughing at him. It wasn't even fucking funny.

(Maybe it was a little funny. But he'd never admit that.)