#i would also like to clarify that this was not something i purchased myself it was given to me

[trashabilly]

even tho i know he's up there and has been for over a year i keep getting jumpscared by Jeff

(this is Jeff)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for using my moms money to buy games?

The title sounds bad, but I'm not sure how else to word it. This is also going to be a weird one as, in advance, I know the other party isn't an asshole, however I think it's a similar situation im tone and I really need some feedback on this.

I'm 22 and live with my mom and cat. I've lived with her my whole life, and continue to due to disability. My mom has 2 jobs that she mainly works on weekends, and I'm unemployed. Ever since covid it's been incredibly difficult for me to find work because it is still very much a thing despite what people want to believe, and I can't be in contact with random people physically due to immune issues and the chance of getting sick. Online jobs are apparently very hard to find (my mom has tried) and many ask for a payment beforehand. I do however get social security income that pays most of our bills/utilities, and we're also on foodstamps for groceries.

My family has never been well off. I wouldn't call us dirt poor, we've never had to go hungry, and I always had toys to play with/clothes as a kid. But my mom has had to manage funds well and we've never had a lot of money for leisure or frivolous purchases. My mom will buy herself things like some new clothes, a phone charger, roku set, etc smaller things like that when she gets her paycheck but extra expenses such as furniture have to be planned out probably weeks/months ahead of time. We also moved recently and ever since then our budget has been more difficult, the down payment really screwed with my moms expenses.

Because of our situation, I never really had games growing up. I remember we had maybe 3 big family consoles during me and my sisters whole childhood (with like 3-6 games on them each, most of which were guitar hero which my mom and sister loved to play), and I would get a new handheld for myself every few years. I never got to play the new exciting games people were always talking about, and my gaming experience has really been limited to like. Animal crossing, the sims, and cooking mama.

I played a bunch of roms as a kid so that helped, but I was always kinda sad and felt left out that I never got to experience gaming the way other people did. I really wanted to try the "classics" people talked about but didn't have any way to. People (especially as I got into my 20s and started following streamers + nintendo direct for example) would always talk about the New Thing coming out and playing it the day it dropped, all the excitement and community people had around that, but if I really wanted that kind of game, I'd have to wait a few years before getting it and trying it out, and by then no one was playing it anymore anyways.

As time went on things got a little better. Especially because of my moms new jobs, both of which she genuinely loves doing, though it's still work, we have been a bit better off. It's only been recently we started struggling more again.

Recently I've been kind of asking for things from my mom. Mostly it's steam games. I found I've gotten much more into gaming as a hobby as I've gotten older, and I have a long wishlist of games that I really want to get into, but of course have no money to myself. I should also clarify that NONE of these are those big triple A $60 titles, as I still can't ever justify paying something so expensive for one game. So sometimes lately I've been asking my mom "hey, can I get this/these games?" And use her money/card to purchase them. I don't do it constantly, or even super often, but I feel like it's becoming more often and it makes me feel really guilty.

I have done this before, around high school I started asking my mom for certain things I wanted around the house, and usually she had no problem buying them for me. This also wasn't large stuff, nothing ever over $30 and usually only up to $20. But when I'd find something I *really* wanted, especially if it was a time limited thing like merch drops from a favorite content creator, often yarn for my knitting or art supplies I wanted to try, I would ask her.

I've pretty much always felt guilty about this. I would ask for something despite my better judgement, and for the most part my mom would say yes, and that it was okay, whereas I was the one apologizing and asking if it was "really alright". She has told me she has no issues buying things for me as long as I ask her. She says the social security I get is "technichally my money", and that she wants me to be able to use it. (Obviously we don't use the actual ssi to buy random shit, but her giving me spending money is the next best thing).

Every time I've asked my mom for something like this, I've told myself that it would be the last time, that I would get my own job and own money and not mooch on my mom anymore, but both with the stress of chronic illness and depression I never seem to get around to it. I try to do dishes and keep my room clean, take care of the cat etc as ways I can help without working, but for some reason the money really weighs on me. I know that it's really my fault, I haven't even been looking for jobs and I could always take art commissions again, but somehow a mental block always stops me.

I feel like I have a bit of an impulsivity problem when it comes to spending. The money I got from my one summer job and commissions would never last long, and honestly I couldn't even tell you what I spent it on for the weeks I had it. I have issues taking money from people, but when I realized that I may not have had the stuff I wanted as a kid simply because I never asked for/communicated that I wanted it, it made me more bold to actually ask my mom for things.

I never pester my mother about this. I'll ask once and if she says no I'll be dissapointed but won't continue. Sometimes she says that we don't have the money for it then, or that I'll have to wait until xyz thing is paid for, which is always fine. I also have *never* bought anything with her money without asking first. I get pretty much all the steam games I buy on sale (usually that's what prompts me to ask about them, actually) as personally I can't justify getting games for their asking price for the experience I'm going to get.

I feel bad as I feel like I'm wasting our money, mooching off my mom and not putting in the work to have spending money myself. I also worry that sometimes when she says it's fine, it's untrue and she's really just trying to make me feel better. I also sometimes don't play the games as soon as I get them, I have a sizeable backlog of games I have gotten but haven't "got around" to playing as I was excited to get them at a low price at the time, but then haven't felt like I'm in the right mood. This also makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm not being appreciative enough of her buying for me.

So am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[beastlyart]

list 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

(No pressure ♥)

Just five things? Oh man, okay. Here's a list of some immediacy, then:

• My cat, Deacon. He's sweet and funny and chill and I love him so much I could explode, but just from having him around I've also noticed a marked improvement in my mental health the last couple of years. The therapy is free, all I have to do is provide him with snacks and clean his toilet once a day. Genuinely don't know how I went so long without a cat in my day to day life.

• Went to a reptile expo today! It was crowded and chaotic as usual, but it's always fun to look at all the animals. I hadn't been to one since before COVID, and I did run into some friends there, so that was nice. It also clarified that I would definitely like to get another snake. I resisted temptation and did not buy anything this time, would like to get the enclosure all set up again and then hopefully make a planned purchase at the next one in May.

• Started working as the surgeon's dedicated tech one day a week instead of on the ER floor. I thought it would be stressful and intimidating, because she's intimidating (not in a mean way, she's just incredibly smart, skilled, and whips along her cases at light speed). It's been going well, though! We plowed through a bunch of procedures last week and I remember that I have, in fact, done hundreds of surgeries before and working with her is intellectually stimulating in a way that leaves me satisfied at the end of the day.

• This big-ass plate of barbecue meats and sides I got from a tiny smokehouse on the way back from the reptile expo. It's out of my way enough that I don't go there often, so it is a delicious salty treat for myself :3

• Sifting through a bunch of playlists (character-focused or just in general) that I do NOT vibe with, getting slightly frustrated, and then finding a really fucking banger one that actually matches my tastes. Hell yeah.

[daytura]

Review of Scott P. Scheper's "Antinet Zettelkasten" book

With regards to recent events surrounding Scott P. Scheper's controversial handling of the mistake in his print book and his excited emails, I thought now would be the time to publish my review of said book.

For context, I purchased the book and the four bonus products in about November 2022 and got the book myself in December 2022. I thought they were alright; spending the extra premium is an investment in my own attention, too. After reading the book and aligning it with my own principles surrounding the Zettelkasten method, I began work on my hybrid (paper and computer) slipbox, Hemera. This slipbox is particularly significant because it is focused on my education major: cognitive science.

Unfortunately, in February 2023 this year...

Apparently, Scheper, rather than simply sending a note to those who purchased his book, and clarifying the error, has decided to use the opportunity to promote not only a second edition of his book, but also a tangentially-related $40/mo. marketing newsletter. // Actual Email 59 here: https://scottscheper.com/letter/59/

...and the subsequent "apology" in Email 60...

...and the final Email 61 finally clearing up the deal with the erratum.

Ay yai yai. What a whirlwind! It was too much -- and I had thought Scott was becoming more reasonable up to and after his interviews with Nick Milo @ Linking Your Thinking and Bob Doto @ The High Pony. So I've decided to pull away from the community. I suppose my final contribution to the Antinet community rests under the next line; but for this year, I am done.

---

Begin review. Four stars out of five.

My one tip: Treat it like a textbook!

Drawing from experience in marketing, copywriting, and managing a cryptocurrency business, Scott P. Scheper's first book makes a splash onto the niche Zettelkasten scene -- and himself.

This book is something of an inverse to Sonke Ahrens' "How to Take Smart Notes", which has been the unofficial canon text of digital Zettelkasten since it's English translation in 2017. That book is concise, specific, and spirals inward to the impersonal problem of taking better notes.

Meanwhile, late 2022's "Antinet Zettelkasten" is long, tangential, and spirals outward from the method to also reveal Scheper's deeper thoughts, judgements, and experiences. Even the first few introductory chapters are about him and his journey across personal knowledge management scene. It becomes clear early on, and through his tapestry of meandering trails of thought, that Scheper is trying to find his voice. And it's not just a game anymore. His audience now are people who may have not fallen to PKM's wayside, watched his videos, or read a single newsletter; and stretches across a timespan of a fringe note-taking culture (Zettelkastens in general) that could pop at any time.

So I'm not being cheeky when I say to treat it like a reference textbook. If you're after the impersonal task of developing knowledge and pumping out publications, by all means, eat this book through and throw the bones over! Each section is somewhat self-contained and you can skip sections or jump back and forth between them. Your only barrier might be the lack of an index, which I think is a hilariously ironic for a book whose method involve -- and validates -- indexing by hand. Whether this was an actual choice or an accident to be remedied in the 2nd edition, I don't know. Still: hilarious and frustrating.

But if you have the time and the care to connect with another person developing their mind, read the book all the way through. The book is it's own work of art. Is it any surprise that personal nonfiction, the nonfiction that plays with narratives and experience, resonates with us more than non-narrative nonfiction? Probably not.

End review.

---

If you would like a copy of the e-book, please DM me and I will send you a link.

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 19 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

A few weeks of life after being purchased was a particularly grim fate for a Companion but at a certain point was living longer any better?

And yet, a new reality was standing in front of him.

One in which Danya looked alive and healthy and far more confident in himself than he ever had been at the House.

Fanner dropped his gaze as he did his best to wrangle his emotions back in and his eyes landed on the strange, furry child.

He was clutching at the hem of Danya's shirt, watching Fanner with reserved curiosity.

"Who's this?"

"Oh, yes," Danya placed an arm around the boy's shoulders.

"This, this, is Jasper. My son."

"Oh," was all Fanner could think to say to that.

Danya laughed.

"Adopted, of course. It's a long story. Jas, this is your Uncle Fanner."

For a moment panic flooded Fanner's gut because how did he know and what else did he know and... and... and then he realised that Danya hadn't meant 'uncle' literally.

They had always considered themselves like brothers.

Fanner hesitated.

Should he tell Danya the truth?

Fanner had thought Danya was dead.

He hadn't had the chance to think this over yet.

But... Danya should know this.

Maybe other things as well because he was also a part of this whole mess in a way but for now Fanner wanted him to at least know this one thing.

"Um, we are actually," Fanner said.

When Danya looked confused, Fanner clarified.

"Brothers, I mean. Real brothers. Or, well, real half brothers. We have the same mother. Mr Burrows told me after we thought you died."

Danya let out a slow breath and took a moment to just look at Fanner.

"You know, I always would have told you that it doesn't matter whether or not we're related by blood. That I love you like my brother regardless. But now that I know... it does matter. Not in making me love you any more or les but... it matters."

"That maybe explains some things," Yore said.

"He has some unusual aspects to his magic. Although, we always thought yours came from your father being a Soldier, didn't we? But you share a mother."

Yore's eyes cut to Fanner and he frowned slightly.

Could he hear the sudden increase in Fanner's heart rate?

Fanner should have kept everything to himself because he knew the answers to these questions and now he would have to deliberately withhold them or tell them everything and he wasn't ready to tell them everything.

Danya looked at Fanner.

"Unusual aspects? You never told me anything about that."

"Well you didn't tell me about yours either."

"I know. I was in the same situation so I don't blame you one bit. Being different at the House was a scary thing. Will you tell me about it now?"

"Well, I..."

How little could he get away with revealing? Yore already knew some things.

"I have this thing. It's called energy shaping. I can control energy... move it around... so I can keep myself balanced."

"It's a bit more than that," Yore said.

"He pulled energy out of me and knocked me out for a few minutes. He didn't know I was trying to help him at that point so I don't blame him for it but it certainly was something."

"Huh," Danya said. "I can't do anything like that."

"It doesn't matter," Fanner said.

"I'm not going to do it ever again. I don't need to be balanced so you don't have to worry about me but that's all."

"You're much more assertive than you used to be. That's good. And I don't want to undermine that but..." Danya heaved out a sigh.

"I feel like you're in the same place I was when I first got my freedom. I felt like I could only be a Companion, that I only wanted to be a Companion, that everything else I could do was bad and shameful. You can be whatever you want to be now, Fanner."

Fanner stared straight ahead, at the side of one of the cabins.

"I want to be a Companion."

"Ultimately that's for you to decide but we're going to keep talking about this, okay? I don't want you to make that decision out of fear and I can see that you're scared."

Fanner wanted to say no, that he didn't want to talk about it or even think about it, that he wanted to push that part of himself deep inside where it couldn't hurt anyone else or be used to hurt him.

Instead, he nodded.

"Fanner," Yore said and Fanner looked up.

"I really need to get going. Will you be okay?"

"Yes, I... Thank you for..."

There were so many things Fanner wanted to thank Yore for but none of them were materialising into words in his mind.

"Thank you."

Yore gave him a gentle smile.

"You'll be fine."

Fanner nodded, though he didn't feel so sure.

"Oh, before I go..." Yore said to the others.

"There's this strange creature that we met at The Inn that's been following Fanner around. Grey, hairless, generally unpleasant to look at. She has no eyes, ears or nose but somehow has sharper senses than I do. She's harmless and her name is Cookie. Fanner has made friends with her and she seems to be quite protective of him, so make sure if anyone sees her they don't scare her off or hurt her."

"You know, when you started telling us that there's a scary monster that's been following Fanner, that's not where I expected you to end up," Hamish commented.

"I'd hope everyone knows not to initiate violence against any creature that doesn't start it, regardless of how it looks but I'll make sure everyone knows," Danya assured Yore.

"Thanks. I'll try to come and visit in a few days, Fanner."

"Wait," Fanner said as Yore turned to leave.

As soon as Yore turned back around, Fanner wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug.

"Thank you."

Yore hugged him back and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"You'll be fine."

As Yore started to walk away, Hamish called out to him.

"Hey Yore, can I get a kiss on my head too? Or anywhere, really. I'm not picky."

Yore didn't acknowledge him.

[afr0-thunder]

[Poor Chronicles Pt. 20]

*MCDONALD’S EDITION*

A part 20…

I’ll use this to elaborate on Part 19.

I didn’t get hungry, but last night I was informed (by myself) that starving myself is absolutely ridiculous. I was trying to sleep and something in me said, “Fuck that shit, go get some chips right now!”. I put it off until the morning and got 6 bags, more ramen noodles and hot sauce.

I have decided to just let the hostility build. I will begin making and purchasing food again. It will be delicious.

Going further > *going forward

my last *job’s manager. I’ve had two at this one to clarify. Adding, he attempted to fire me the first day. I felt he was being ridiculous, so I negotiated and finished my shift instead. I was so angry (because I figured I’d have to find another job soon) that I took a walk downtown on the path I now take to work, on the same street as the job offer I received and didn’t accept to make time for that one. I found $1. The next day he yelled at me about something ridiculous that I was unsure of. I thought he was going to try to fight me. I hoped he would. He told me to “Clock out.” again. I negotiated again. I got my job back in 3 minutes. He was still being disrespectful. I went to clock out (couldn’t, someone was picking up and order and I was signed in at the register). He was still talking as I left. I called him a “Goofy ass nigga!” and walked out 364 days from today. I walked past one day after starting here, the girl I was working with (who was well liked by him) wasn’t even there. I tried to tell him he needed to stop firing people before I quit.

Was a few seconds off clock-in timing today. My enemy’s still angry I see. I debated over [theirs versus their’s]. Most people don’t know if the individual in question is just a suspect or not, so theirs is indirect. I know, so they have to take ownership.

I checked my pay stub. It was angel numbers is all I can say. Decided I may be lying about getting a phone. After my next pay I will be starting on December’s monthly expenses. I feel I may be able to acquire service depending on what plans are offered. I also would be upset if I get phone service, just to never get a ring.

Considering potentially opening my boundary limits to do more things in Chicago, but I do not expect to be doing so. I wanted to maybe see a play or go on a date. I don’t do those really, but it could be fun. No it will not be a romantic one, or at least I don’t believe so. Also, Mary is taking too long. I may start fucking strange women again. Maybe some regular ones as well. I see some hearts may potentially have to be broken and that is an opportunity I do not wish to miss. I heard a female coworker, who is not African American, say “Nigga!”, while singing a song around a corner and tried to act like this never occurred. This is a dirty line of work, but I feel like this has to be a course of action unfortunately. Literal scumbag shit, but she seems interested, so unfortunately this might have to be done. It’s my “calling”. I also thought, “Why would the mother of my children (first baby momma)…want someone…who doesn’t fuck bitches?”. She could have children with anyone at that point, as most of these men DO NOT. Also, I shouldn’t have to deny a portion of my life, for life with her to be successful. With that being said, I think my list of baby mommas may expand. MAY, keyword.

*Off their FEET. I also may have said that Cheerleading was started by males BEFORE he said it was female dominated. He (My African American manager) gets mad at me for washing my hands so often when he’s ready to go home. I’m trying to find a fuck to give. I just keep laughing and making jokes. Hostility is shiesty work.

For the record, my mother kicked me out almost two years ago (2022). I do not wish to speak with her again.

I may try making chicken wings, since I will shop again. I may also smoke again. Fuck my enemy. Ironically, him and my other enemy have dated. I almost forgot. I guess they can bond over losing my friendship and maybe rekindle the “flame”. Hating me will take you nowhere

Savings: $49 > $100 (I had an extra $20 to be added, just not physical). Decided to add 30 more dollars, then added $1 yesterday to even it out.

In short, life is only crazy if you let it be. I choose peace every time. If you would like to disturb mine, all is fine, but don’t be upset when it’s your time. I don’t wish to inconvenience ANYONE, but even the oddest of wishes are granted.

- MH (2023)

[10/15/2023 - 3:24AM]

[hugeblue]

I fucked up......

Long ass vent post , don't read if you're squeamish of blood or penetration

So for context, I don't own many sex toys. Ok that sounds bad, I want to clarify that I would only use sex toys inside me, that was not the problem. It was simply... The size of the toy I was using.

But anyway, I've bought sex toys literally twice in my life. My first purchase was a small dildo and a little bullet vibe that's rechargeable. Both from good companies, all silicone, all good right? I decided I wanted another dildo at some point. The first one was very beginner friendly, as easy, or easier to fit inside me than 2 fingers. The insertable length is like 5in or something. So I got one that was a little bigger, as well as a butt plug so I have a dedicated anal toy. Well the dildo I thought was just a little bit bigger was actually kinda huge. Like I looked at it and knew, I will never fit this inside me. So for a long time I simply left it inside my box of toys, bc I felt returning it was gonna be a huge hassle, and once you open these things, no one takes them back. I had tried once or twice to fit it in me. I think once I did fit it in my ass, but it's easier for me to take things there once I've stretched myself out. But I stupidly thought I could actually fit this monster in my pussy.

I had edged myself, used the smaller dildo, used the smaller dildo with my fingers as well, to add another step. I used plenty of lube the whole time. Wasnt even watching anything, just focused on masturbating. I should've stopped there but I really wanted to try the big dildo again. I fit it in me. I literally felt it pop inside. It was hot at first, it hurt a little bit, but definitely not a lot. I came soon after and took it out. Noticed some blood. I had bled before after penetration, a partners or my own fingernails weren't smooth enough. Something like that. But I went to clean myself up and there was what looked like a lot of blood. I had used. A couple wet wipes and I understand that water makes it look like more blood than there actually is but it looked bad. I've been meaning to actually go wipe again and check it stopped bleeding but I haven't been able to yet.

I get the feeling this is what people mean by "popping your cherry" and now I'm like... That shits gross and painful, and for me, dysphoric. Why is that hot to some people?

Anyways. I'm immediately going to buy a new dildo. One that's actually just a little bit bigger than my other one, one that's slim. The one I'm looking at also has the option to put a bullet vibe in it, so hopefully that will satisfy my need for novelty next time decide to try penetration again. Which, right now, I'm definitely going to be taking a break from. I think I also want to buy a suction vibrator? But we will see about that. It would definitely be a good way to get off quick from what I hear, and I just need a good safe toy, that I know will always get me off. The little bullet vibe is nice, but not always what I want. We'll see.

Anyways.

I made myself bleed by accident, got superrr squeamish and dysphoric, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

[cyarsk52-20]

All the Bombshells From Ariana Madix’s Call Her Daddy Interview

PHOTOLOGY

Madix revealed more new details about the end of her relationship with Tom Sandoval.

Vanderpump Rules star Ariana Madix is feeding Bravo fans with more details about the cheating scandal that's been the main character in our lives for the past two months. Madix, who ended her nine-year relationship with Tom Sandoval after discovering his affair with her best friend, Raquel Leviss, appeared on the Call Her Daddy podcast in an episode that aired Wednesday, May 24, during which she shared new details about Scandoval.

Throughout the podcast episode, Madix called Sandoval an “absentee boyfriend” and said, “I didn't lose him. He lost me.”

Here are some of the biggest bombshells from Madix's Call Her Daddy interview with host Alex Cooper:

Sandoval and Leviss had sex in the guest room of his and Madix’s home while Madix was sleeping.

Sandoval and Madix began dating in 2014, and purchased a home together five years later, in 2019. 

“They had sex in my guest room while I was sleeping in my own bed that he and I went to bed in together, and then he left the bed and went to the guest room and fucked her,” Madix told Cooper.

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Madix admits that she “turned a blind eye” to Sandoval and Leviss’s flirty friendship.

In retrospect, Madix realizes that she ignored signs that something was amiss and that she “turned a blind eye” to the flirty friendship between Sandoval and Leviss. “I trusted in him so much that I trusted his perspective on things, and I think I was caught up,” she said. “I'm a smart girl and I could have dug deeper, but I didn't.”

She also said that when her dog died, she wasn't thinking about being betrayed by her partner. “I definitely didn't have an idea that he would betray me during that time, because I thought he was also grieving,” she said.

Sandoval and Leviss in 2021Amy Sussman/Getty Images

Madix and Sandoval began couples therapy afterhis affair started.

Madix told Cooper that she and Sandoval started going to couples therapy, but she now realizes the affair had already started at that point. Therapy was his idea, and Madix suspects he saw it as a way to gently end the relationship.

“There was a session that got really intense,” she said, “and it felt like maybe we were ending. And at the end of the session [the therapist] was like, 'Okay, so, is this a breakup?' And he was like, ‘No.’”

Sandoval and Madix, February 2023 (weeks before she discovered the affair).Bravo/Getty Images

Madix clarified what really happened during their breakup conversation before she discovered the affair. 

In the Vanderpump Rules season-10 finale, Sandoval tells Madix that he tried to break up with her several times, including on Valentine's Day. On Call Her Daddy, Madix described said conversation in even greater detail. The couple went out on Valentine's Day, then went out with friends, including Leviss, she says. Later that night, they had a long drunken conversation about their relationship, which Madix did not interpret as a breakup. He told her he was having a midlife crisis, she recalled, and she told him that if they break up, she will most likely leave Los Angeles and Vanderpump Rules.

“I said, ‘If we break up, I'm probably going to quit the show, I will probably leave Los Angeles, I will probably deactivate my Instagram.’ And he found that to be very offensive,” she said. “I was never saying that I was going to kill myself. I was saying that this life will be over for me because I'll go do something else. I'm not talking about physically harming myself.”

She thinks Sandoval started the open-relationship rumor.

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During season 10 of Vanderpump Rules, a rumor started that Sandoval and Madix had an open relationship. This rumor started after Sandoval and Leviss were spotted dancing together at a bar late at night without Madix present. Madix denied rumors of an open relationship on the show and to the press. “Honestly, I think [that rumor] came from him,” she said on the podcast. She clarified that there was never any indication that the relationship was anything but monogamous. 

Sandoval has allegedly had more affairs.

Since Scandoval unfolded, Madix says has learned of his other indiscretions beyond Miami Girl, the woman Sandoval's ex Kristen Doute brought on the show the first year Sandoval and Madix were dating to accuse him of cheating. 

“There was one time, years and years ago, when I got a direct message that was like, ‘Tom hooked up with my friend in San Diego,’” she claimed. “And I brought it up over and over again…and he was like, ‘No, absolutely not.’ Now I'm thinking it was actually a yes.”

Sandoval used other people’s credit cards to cover his expenses for Leviss.

Ariana Madix recently learned Leviss accompanied Sandoval on a trip to his hometown of St. Louis over the holidays. “There was something he was getting away with that I just learned about in the past month, like bringing Rachel home to St. Louis,” Madix said, referring to Leviss by her legal name. “He was putting her up in a hotel.”

Madix claims that Sandoval used other people's credit cards to hide his spending, forcing friends into an uncomfortable situation in the process. She did not specify who did this for him, but you don't need Sherlock Holmes to figure out that it was most likely his BFF, Tom Schwartz. 

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The season-10 finale of Vanderpump Rules, which aired last week, documented the cast's post-Scandoval world. Part one of the three-part reunion airs tonight, Wednesday, May 24.

Sent from my iPhone

[badass-at-fandoming]

hello! so: i'm fairly new to vtm and i wanna read through the books, but i've heard that not all of them are worth reading, so i was wondering if you have any recommendations? thank you so much!

Anonymous!!! This question made me so happy! I love recommending books! Welcome to Vampire! 💜

For starters, some caveats. First, anything touched by White Wolf Publishing is going to be some level of Awful. The best approach to World of Darkness, I find, is that of a vulture. Scavenge, pick the bones, find the delectable meat among the rot, and use that good stuff to fuel your imagination. VtM is horror, and all that horror entails. BUT the writers ALSO have a lot of unexamined bigotry they didn't put in the stories with intent. Yes, sometimes harmful content is there on purpose. A good example would be in the Coteries of New York visual novel. No matter which PC you pick, Baron Callihan says something tailored to insult them, to show off his gross character. So, to start, a general Content Warning for racism, sinophobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and misogyny. Geeeeeeennnneerrraaaalllllyyyy, the more modern the book the less this sort of bullshit appears.

My second caveat is way funnier. Uh, when I was in your position, starting my VtM books journey, I was equally overwhelmed by where to start. With some encouragement from fandom friends, I decided I would become the Beckett Fandom Elder. I focused all my reading on this feral nerd. Now I lounge in the decadence of pristine Beckett knowledge, such as he's Bride of Dracula.

Okay, enough caveats! I don't know how familiar you are with Vampire: the Masquerade to start with, so I'm going to assume you know nothing! Links to my reviews, when applicable.

The Victorian Age Trilogy by Philippe Boulle. This trilogy is a stellar introduction to the world of Vampire. Boulle does a fantastic job slowly revealing the world, its rules, quirks, and characters. The final novel doesn't quite stick the landing, but it's overall p fun. Highly, highly recommend.

The Book of Nod by Andrew Greenberg & Sam Chupp is an in-universe collection of myths centering Caine, the first vampire. Despite some hiccups, the writing is beautiful and presented like actual historical source, with footnotes, scholastic arguments, and introduction!

The Seduction of Goratrix and The Sword in the Tower by punk_pseudo are smutty romps that will make you smile and laugh! Gold-tier! Also that's TOTALLY the canon beginning of the Tremere Clan. :D :D :D

Vampire: the Masquerade - Corebook, Fifth Edition by Karim Muammar et al - after reading the above, I would read the Corebook. It's not a novel, but it will clarify any remaining questions about VtM.

Beckett's Jyhad Diary by Myranda Sarro et al. This is the Motherload for Beckett fans, and VtM fans. There's just SO MUCH. One podcast I listened to recommended the Diary as the first book to read, but I disagree. The Diary assumes you already know the basics and swims in the very deep end of lore. While reading, I had the White Wolf Wiki open beside me, because the writing would constantly reference something I didn't know.

Other books I heard were good but I haven't read myself:

Dark Ages Clan Novel Saga, Book 13: Tzimisce by Myranda Kalis centers on Sascha (then, Myca) Vykos and I've heard much goodness about it from @ryttu3k

Walk Among Us by Genevieve Gornichec, Cassandra Khaw, and Caitlin Starling. Audiobook only. Khaw is an incredible, award-winning writer so super looking forward to this.

Haunting Shadows: A Wraith 20th Anniversary Fiction Anthology is not Vampire, but my colleague Catherine Lundoff has a story in it and she's awesome :D Also she has a MILF lesbian werewolves series.

Now, those are a lot of recs. You can purchase them on DriveThruRPG or find them here. However, if you're looking at the first caveat and grimacing, if you read A Morbid Initiation and it is no, DITCH IT. a03 has mass troves of VtM fiction, and they're more in line with slick modern sensibilities like "hey maybe gender and racial minorities are people." Below are fanfiction that stand very well on their own, without serious prior knowledge of VtM. You might have to still look up some terms on the White Wolf Wiki, and again, these are very centered on Beckett.

Labyrinth of Blood and Silver Scales by AsunderWolf aka @lairofsentinel - meshes together Vampire and Mage into a twisty tale of gay time travel and very important handkerchiefs. Reminded me of the beauty in grief.

The City That Never Sleeps + Radio Silence by Martin Iceworth aka @robotslenderman - these center on New York City and the Nosferatu. The second one chronicles the NSA breaching SchreckNET, the vampire internet. Oops.

The Wolf and the Unicorn by alchemagician- a sweet adventure of Beckett and a Salubri woman who could step on me and I'd say thanks

The Creature Known as Emma Blake by DraculaBackwards aka @draculabackwards69 - rewrite of the Victorian Trilogy with ALL the good bits and ZERO of the bad bits. Unlike the above, this one's not all posted, but the first few chapters already have me swooning.

Other fanfic is Very Good, but they tend to require knowledge of what they're based on. For example, the every skyline was a kiss upon the lips by @ryttu3k needs to be stapled into the Diary. @draculabackwards69's wrote up some very important, missing plot beats of Anatole/Beckett and Beckett/Dracula. Retellings of Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines are popular. (Let's Play here. Antitribu Mod here. Final Nights Mod here.)

Wherefore Means Why by Sloane aka @meteormemoirs - a re-telling of Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines with an extra special Malkavian twist :D Not quite finished, but close.

A Traitorous Affair by @missn11. Truly, any of missn11's re-tellings are my comfort reads. :D

The Many Clans of Sebastian LaCroix Challenge has produced many awesome fic, such as Sweet Corruption into Enlightenment, Crown, and Diviner Bureaucrat.

Goodbye to Sleep by hartstrings aka @its-sixxers - Mary is best girl

Wormwood by Elysiummm - are you ready to have your goddamn mind blown

Embrace the Night by @lost-toreador-in-la - comes with much fanart!

@vampire-the-askerade has lovely little snippets and scenarios for all your VTMB needs :D

I've written fanfic as well, but again, they more fill in gaps than serve as standalone stories. I think Bad Idea and A Monastery stand by themselves the most.

Oh my goodness, that's more than enough to get you started! Hahaha, welcome to Vampire: the Masquearde! It's a place. :D

If anyone else has recs, add them! :D

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Legit vs Recast - Is It Worth It? A Continuation.

It seems all the 'pro-artists' would rather get up in arms than take a moment to read and actually comprehend what I'm saying. That's on me for thinking people could have mature debates - but I suppose I want to respond to some topics and clarify things people misunderstood and ran with. Firstly - no, I'm not selfish or childish. I don't own any recasts (or Minifees) because of the moral implications (which I did say I am aware of at the top of my post. Thanks to those who 'explained' it to me like I was a babbling child though). 

Note how I spoke about my legit collection. This is because one can have owned recasts and choose to no longer do so. Of course I didn't make this crystal clear so I am doing so now. I did say I find Minifees to be a great starter doll. This is because they were my starter dolls and I found them a lot easier than other brands that are more geared towards being 'first time dolls'. I chose recasts over my legit quality wise, but I actually purchased the legit after loving my recasts dearly - so hating on people who start there is only culling the hobby you claim to love, almost as much as those 'selfish, childish' people who choose to buy recasts. 

Scaring away newbies by being toxic assholes is not the look most people want, but 'pro-artists' can't seem to help themselves. The next point is 'I'd HATE myself if I owned one of those EVIL recasts'. Okay then... That's a really weird thing to hate yourself for - but I propose to you the concept of "poor people also deserve nice things". I understand, completely, that this hobby is a luxury. It is not a need like food and a place to sleep. However I do not think that behaving the way 'we', the collective legit community, do is right. You will ban, block, bully and ostracize recast owners - but do you ever think that that's all they can afford and everyone deserves happiness? 

My first recast was a gift from my mother for my 14th birthday. She found a recast second hand for 50USD. It was a lil mangled, had some damages but that was legit all we could afford. The fact that I got that gift in of itself was a miracle as we barely had enough money to afford a cup of soup each for our meal every day. That doll put her back enough in my currency (which is very, very weak to anything - never mind the Dollar or Euro) to pay for our monthly necessities like toothpaste, soap, intimate hygiene products and rice. I cherished that doll like it was a grail doll that I'd paid thousands for. It meant the world to me even though I knew if I shared that joy I would be out of the hobby before I was even in it properly. 

You hurt people more than you help them with comments like that, because I don't hate myself for having owned recasts. I don't hate others for having them either, because I know what it's like to not be able to afford food, never mind something to spark some joy. There are those who buy them for other reasons, and sure you could call those people selfish or childish but honestly those people won't be swayed by your aggressive nature - but those who aspire to one day collect legits will be swayed, just not in the direction you want. Next is bashing the recast faceups. Have you actually seen the custom ones you can order from ChinaBJD/Ouneifs? Chances are you have - I got so many compliments on my recasts faceup from legit collectors. They are stunning. On par quality to people like 3uludys/cvlur/angeltaost/insertwhateverelsegenericminifeefaceupartisthere - some of them are even on par with artists like theugli3stwife. They are not ugly or generic, if anything I doubt you'd know the faceup was a recast faceup if it was a custom by their artists. Yeah, their default makeup options are plain and generic, but so are most companies? That's a very bad argument. I again use Fairyland here because all my other dolls have had artist faceups - they are really low quality and every sculpt looks identical when you use their generic default faceups that they charge you top dollar for. You literally can't pretend like this is a recast owner issue when so many legit companies have boring/generic/simple faceups - the only ones who don't are those that use (public, so to speak) faceup artists as their default painters (e.g. BlackCh3rryDolls, M3rryDollRound and I think it's RvggedRealism? One of those artists that make the big 60cm+ bois with pretty faces). 

 Thank you to the people who actually spoke nicely in the comments without making assumptions, I found reading your comments very enjoyable and appreciate you taking the time to read my little ramble. Those of you that got baby rage instantly and thought insults and being hostile were the way to go - you're the reason newbies are scared to talk to people. Be better.

~Anonymous

[jianqzai]

Is Soft Sunday again! I’ve been feeling a bit sad so I wrote soft husbands to cope.

Read in AO3

Wei Ying notices something is wrong when one morning he looks at this husband and can see dark circles under his eyes.

“Lan Zhan,” he says, “have you been sleeping well?”

“Yes,” he replies.

Which, of course, is a lie because you don’t look that tired unless you haven’t been getting the necessary amount of sleep. He has started training with a sword again, so lately he goes to bed at the same time Lan Zhan does and sleeps so deeply that not even an earthquake could wake him. So maybe that is why he hadn’t noticed him not sleeping?

He is tempted to remind him that is forbidden to lie within the Cloud Recesses, but at the end he lets it slide and doesn’t comment any further. If something is bothering him, he knows his husband will tell him once he is ready.

Except, that he doesn’t. It’s been 2 days since the last time Wei Ying asked about how he’s been sleeping but he only looks more tired, also, he’s started to speak, eat and move less and less as the time passes.

He tried to ask once again, but he only replied with a “hm” and then left the Jingshi, avoiding any more questions he could have made. Later that day, he saw the worried but knowing look Sizhui was giving him, so he figured that if Lan Zhan was not going to tell him what was wrong, he needed to find out by other means.

So later that day, when he knew Lan Zhan was going to be busy with a meeting with a minor clan sect leader, he went looking for his son in hopes that he would have more answers that could clarify this whole situation. He found him in the training grounds, along with Jingyi, they were sparring.

He smiled when he saw him, though it had a bit of wariness to it. He left Jingyi to practice alone for a while and went to hug him.

“Did you need something a-Die?”

“You seem to know everything going on around here, so do you maybe know what is wrong with our esteemed Chief Cultivator?”

A-Yuan just stares at him, not surprised. It seems he was expecting this question but it does look like he is debating whether to tell him or not.

“Before you tell me to ask him myself, I think you must know that I already tried, but you know how your father is, he didn’t tell me a thing and has been avoiding me these last few days. I'm….worried”

A-Yuan looks hesitant to answer, but probably he is conveying how miserable he feels because at the end, he takes a deep breath and says:

“The anniversary of your death is coming up”.

That startles a surprised breath out of him because of course, how could he be so stupid? Damn his terrible memory, but in his defense, he wasn't lucid when that happened, so it is not like he could have kept track of the time, plus it is not something he likes to remember.

“He always gets like this, in the days before. I didn’t know the reason behind it before of course, but after years of seeing the signs. I knew which time of the year it was going to happen and I tried to be there for him.”

“I usually slept in the Jingshi during those days, hoping that my presence might help a little. Though knowing what I know now, I think that having me there only made the ache worse, but I didn’t know better”

A-Yuan looks close to tears, so he hugs him and tells him that it wasn’t his fault and that he is grateful he was there to look over Lan Zhan all those sad and terrible years. He then departs, promising his son that he is going to take care of Lan Zhan and that he shouldn’t worry about it. After this, he goes down to Caiyi Town to purchase what he will need for tonight.

He buys Lan Zhan’s favorite…everything, actually. The ingredients for his favorite dishes, his favorite dessert and tea, his favorite flowers and incense, also a jar of soft wine. It is not as good as Emperor’s Smile, of course, but it tastes good and it serves his purpose because he doesn’t want his husband to get black out drunk, he only wants to help him relax.

It looks like it will rain, which makes him smile gratefully, because he knows Lan Zhan loves the soft pitter-patter of the rain, how it makes the world go a bit silent. It seems even the weather is on board with his plan of helping his husband unwind.

Before leaving he had asked A-Yuan to entertain Lan Zhan for a bit while he prepared everything. He is relieved to see that there is no one home yet, so he gets to work. He remakes their bed with the softest sheets they have, lays out the table and before he starts cooking, he goes to fetch a couple of rabbits from the meadow because he knows he calms down by petting their soft fur.

Once everything is ready, he places some talismans on the food to keep it warm while he goes to fetch Lan Zhan. He had been in the Library Pavilion, helping their son with an investigation he had been conducting related to a night hunt.

“Hey, Lan Zhan, are you ready to go home?”

He looks at him questioningly and a bit warily, trying to determine why Wei Ying has come to fetch him, but A-Yuan interrupts.

“I think we are done here Baba, you can go. I will finish putting the scrolls back in place.” he smiles sweetly, but Lan Zhan only gives him the same look, knowing by now that something is up. A-yuan then starts to give him an apologetic look but says nothing else.

Knowing that he has lost, he turns to him and assents. Wei Ying takes his hand and starts the trek back home. They are silent, the only sound is the low rumble of distant thunder and the soft rustle of leaves where the wind moves them. It will start raining soon.

When they reach the Jingshi and enter, Lan Zhan turns to look at him surprised. Wei Ying just takes his hand and guides him to sit by the table. Once they are settled, before they start eating, he explains:

“A-Yuan told me. Don’t be mad at him, please Lan Zhan. I was worried about you and you weren’t saying anything, so I had to search for information somewhere else. I now know and I am sorry that I couldn’t put the pieces together faster”.

“It's not your fault,” Lan Zhan interrupts, “I am the one who didn’t want to burden you with my grief. You are here, it’s illogical to grieve you, but even though I tried I couldn’t make it go away”.

“Oh A’Zhan”, he says softly, reaching for his hands. “I understand, that is why I prepared today so we can have a nice time together, yes?”

“Hm”.

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it either, just let me take care of you,” He gets a nod as response.

“Good, so I made your favorite dishes, and bought your favorite pastries. Also, I want you to try this wine I bought. Don’t make that face, it is not strong at all I swear! And, it will only be one cup, so you can relax a bit. Please?”

“Hn”.

”Thank you, you are the best”.

They don’t talk, but it is not because he is following the rule of not talking during meals. Lan Zhan had accepted a long time ago that he can’t be silent so he always listens patiently and even provides his own input if necessary during their meal chats. Wei Ying doesn’t feel like breaking the comfortable silence with incessant chatter this time, so the only sounds are of them eating and whispers of “here” or “try this”, while Wei Ying piles the plate of his husband with more food.

After they are done with the main dishes, and Lan Zhan had drunk his cup of wine and is less tense, Wei Ying asks if he wants to sit in his lap and get feed the pastries.

He nods and goes to him, letting himself be arranged in place. Wei Ying takes a few minutes just mapping his face, first with his eyes, then with his hands. His Lan Zhan is so beautiful, sometimes it truly knocks the air out of him, knowing that he is the one he chose to love...well, that is a heady feeling.

When Lan Zhan’s ears turn pink and moves away his gaze, Wei Ying takes pity on him and starts to slowly feed him bits of the pastries. He is soft and pliant in his arms and Wei Ying loves him so much he wants to cry. But he won’t do it, not yet anyways, it will probably set him off and there are still some other things he has planned for them.

Once they are done with the pastries, Lan Zhan takes his wrist softly in his hand and licks the sweetness that stuck to his fingers while looking through his lashes.

“Uhn...,” he says very coherently, thank you very much. “You have a plan” he has to scream at himself to make his brain work again. “Go and prepare the bath”

“A’Zhan, uh, we will save that for later. I need to draw a bath first. Just- sit here, I will be back soon.”

He pouts, which is definitely not helping, but obediently moves out of his lap.

In the middle of preparing the bath it starts to rain, the smell of the wet earth is very comforting. He sees from the corner of his eye that Lan Zhan walks to the door and stands there, watching the rain fall. Once everything is ready, he goes back to fetch him only to find him silently crying.

He wipes his tears and then kisses his eyelids, nose and cheeks softly. He takes him by the hands and leads him back inside, to the bath. They kiss slowly, tenderly, while Wei Ying starts undressing him, all the while his tears never stop falling.

Once Lan Zhan is naked Wei Ying guides him into the tub and starts slowly washing him, then he moves to his hair. By this point, he is making small hiccuping noises. While massaging his fingers in his scalp, Wei Ying whispers to him encouraging words “yes love, like that, let it all out”, “I love you”, ”you are so good”. Once he is done, he undresses and joins his husband in the tub. It is big enough for both of them, they made sure to request one extra large since they kept breaking the other ones.

He doesn’t wash, just soaks up in the soapy water and holds Lan Zhan close to his chest, he's tracing random patterns on his arms, back and chest, he also starts humming their song. This is what finally gets Lan Zhan to start sobbing, first softly but soon he starts to cry harder and louder.

Lan Zhan’s head is in the crook of his neck, Wei Ying can feel the warm tears fall down on his skin, and the puffs of breath he lets out as well. He never stops humming nor stops his caresses, they stay tangled like that until he finally calms down, the only sounds are that of the rain against the roof and their breathing.

After a while, once the water starts to cool down, he asks:

“Are you ready to get out?”

He receives a nod in response. So he slowly untangles himself from him and gets out, fetching the towels he had prepared. They were by the fire, so they could be warm. He helps Lan Zhan out and slowly starts to dry him, leaving kisses here and there. Once they are both dry and with their sleeping robes on, he guides him to sit down on the floor so he can comb his hair. He also goes to fetch the rabbits and plops them in his lap, which earns him an amused huff, but he starts to pet them anyway.

He uses Lan Zhan’s favorite oil and starts slowly untangling his hair, from tips to roots. It’s a soothing process and he finds himself humming once again, not their song this time, but other melodies that remind him of his husband.

While he is doing this, Lan Zhan starts to talk:

“I know that you are here now. I know that you are also happy and no one is trying to harm you. But...I will always regret not standing by your side earlier, not doing more to stop them harming the innocents.”

“I know that living by “what ifs” is harmful, especially because you are by my side and I don’t like making you sad, but remembering your death will always remind me of my shortcomings. Maybe with time this will change, but, this has been a part of myself for so long that I can’t help but fall into these thoughts”.

He had been listening patiently, waiting for him to finish. When he stays silent after this, Wei Ying considers it safe to talk:

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“What you are doing now is more than enough I just need you close to me at all times”.

“Hm, we can arrange that. I will talk with your uncle tomorrow so you can get off the next two days. We can stay here, but maybe for next year you can take off the whole week or more if possible, and we can travel, to make new memories related to this date. How does that sound?”

“I would like that”.

Wei Ying hums and kisses his head, then finishes brushing his hair and returns the bunnies to their makeshift enclosure for the night.

Lan Zhan is already waiting for him in bed, looking all soft with his hair falling like water around his face and down his back. They kiss for a while, then he slowly undresses him and opens him with the same care. The whole affair is a sweet unhurried one, Wei Ying lets his love show in every kiss, every caress, every slow thrust of his hips. By the end of it, he is crying once again, hiccuping softly into his mouth and repeating his name as he comes.

He stands up to clean them, chuckling at the soft whimper Lan Zhan lets out. Once he is done, he moves him to remove the soiled sheet and then climbs in bed tucking them in with the soft sheets he had previously selected. Lan Zhan practically climbs on top of him, claiming “I want to fall asleep listening to your heart beat”, which makes him melt.

Lan Zhan falls asleep almost immediately, but he remains awake for a few more minutes, basking in the warmth of his husband on top of him, listening to his soft breaths. He wishes he could magically disappear the awful memories that make him cry and feel sad, but since that is not possible, he will work his hardest to create new memories that can make the other ones feel like a distant bad dream.

With that resolution, he finally falls asleep as well.

[felassan]

Dragon Age Library Edition Volume 1 annotations & additional pages/art compilation

Dragon Age Library Edition Volume 1 is a hardcover collection of some pre-existing Dragon Age comics that was released in 2014. It comprises of all issues of The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak and Until We Sleep. In places, it includes additional annotations/commentaries by the illustrators and authors, as well as a few additional pages with additional art. iirc these additional annotations and pages/art aren’t featured or available anywhere else (in the franchise I mean; other people have probably put them online at some point I’m sure).

From what I can see at least, Library Edition Volume 1 is no longer in print, and as such listings for it on resale sites etc are.. price-inflated & prohibitively expensive (~£100+, which I’m sure we can all agree is just not reasonable or accessible to most people). Due to this, I’ve compiled the additional annotations and pages here in this post. Thank you and credit to @artevalentinapaz, who kindly shared the material with me. This post has been made with their permission. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

These commentaries are in the context of The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak and Until We Sleep. If you notice any errors or annotations missing, or need anything clarified, just let me know. I think the annotations are in chronological order. In places I elaborated in square brackets to help explain which part of the comics an annotation is referring to. A note before you proceed further: some of the topics referenced in the annotations/additional pages are heavy or uncomfortable. The quotes here are word-for-word transcriptions of dev/creator commentaries, not my personal opinions or phrasings.

(Also, I do recommend always supporting comic creators by purchasing their comics legitimately. I own each issue of these comics having bought other editions of them all legitimately. The reason I put this post together is because this specific Library Edition volume has been discontinued and the consequently-inflated cost is so high, rendering the additional material inaccessible to most.)

-----

The Silent Grove annotations

Illustrator Chad Hardin: “I used to be an environmental artist for video games, so I built a 3-D model of Antiva City using the program Silo. Many of the buildings are simple cubes, but a few are more detailed. Overall, I spent the better part of a day building it, but I used it again and again throughout The Silent Grove to maintain continuity in the backgrounds.”

Script Writer Alexander Freed: “Even working with David Gaider, it took me several drafts to find Alistair’s voice. His narrative had to convey his humor and self-doubt from Dragon Age: Origins while suggesting a newfound weariness earned during his years on the throne. For readers familiar with the character, he needed to seem like a changed Alistair - but Alistair nonetheless.”

Chad Hardin: “If you read a lot of comics, you might wonder why the majority of the heroes wear skin-tight suits. Well, I can tell you: they are easy and quick to draw. In video games, you build the model once and then animate it, so details don’t slow you down. In comics, everything has to be rendered by hand. Varric and Alistair’s outfits were quite detailed. It took me a long time to get used to them, and even longer to memorize the designs until drawing them was second nature - Varric’s knee armor in particular! Oy vey!”

David Gaider: “One of my favorite scenes in the entire series [when Varric and Isabela are disarming traps and picking locks together while Alistair looks on]. Isabela and Varric, doing what rogues do. I had a suggestion for how to put it together, but Alex managed to make it fit and did a great job with it.”

Chad Hardin: “I never used to keep any of the artwork I created for comics. I would just hand the pages over to my agent to sell. This page [when Alistair, Varric and Isabela are in a tavern together, with hookah in the foreground] I kept for myself. I love the hookah-smoking elves in the second panel and Isabela’s face in the last panel. I rendered the first four chapters of The Silent Grove in grayscale using ink washes, gouache and Copie markers.”

David Gaider: “For a little while, Varric [in these comic stories] was supposed to be Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins, which would have made sense, Zevran being Antivan and all. I know that some fans would have loved to see him, but the dynamics of the group just didn’t work as well. Then a planned cameo later had to be cut for space. Ah well, Zev, another time.”

Alexander Freed: “Isabela at her most dangerous [climbing up the side of the cliff]. This scene - featuring a scantily clad, dripping-wet woman who tends to flaunt her sexuality - could easily have come across as exploitative, but Chad did a lovely drop portraying Isabela as purely focused and deadly.”

Chad Hardin: “Isabela rising out of the water and scaling the cliff with the knife in her mouth is one of my favorite parts of The Silent Grove. It is one of those moments where the writing really inspired the art. Hats off to Alex and David. This is another page I kept for myself.”

Colorist Michael Atiyeh: “This is one of my favorite Dragon Age pages. Chad is such an amazing artist; I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with him.”

Chad Hardin: “I love that this page [when a guard spots Varric and shouts ‘Intruder!’] made it in uncensored. So many times in comics, I draw something and some stuffy lawyers come out of the woodwork and tell me to tone it down. Dark Horse and BioWare always let me have fun, and this turned out to be one of my favorite pages with Varric and Bianca. Any guesses to which word he is mouthing in the second panel?”

Alexander Freed: “Note the simple decency of Alistair as he gives his cloak, without comment, to Isabela. For all his flaws, he’s genuinely kind at heart - a rare enough trait in Isabela’s world that I think it’s much of what she values in him.”

Chad Hardin: “I love the opening panel to this chapter [the opening panels to Chapter 3, when the team are on a ship at sea]. It’s the image I use on the homepage of my website. This page was a gift to my cousin Wendy, who loves pirates. Seascapes with sailing ships might be clichéd in fine art, but for me it was a first.”

David Gaider: “I wanted to have this story center on the group travelling to a Witch of the Wilds other than Flemeth, and originally I had set it somewhere else - until I remembered a Codex entry from Dragon: Age Origins that offhandedly mentioned a witch in the Tellari Swamps. Brilliant! It’d look like I planned it all along. I didn’t.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love opportunities where I can show a change in the time of day as you move from panel to panel [when the ship heads towards and the team arrive in the Tellari Swamps]. I feel the palette of each panel is very distinct and beautiful.”

Alexander Freed: “Why did Alistair choose two people he barely knows to be his companions on this quest? We never make this explicit, but of course Varric is on the right track. Alistair wants to surround himself with people who don’t know him and won’t judge him, yet it’s Alistair’s idealism that Isabela and Varric work to preserve.”

Chad Hardin: “Another page where the writing inspired the art [when the group suddenly encounter a dragon]. I love the dragon bursting onto the scene and Isabela’s stare. Some writers will try to cram six or seven panels on a page like this and the pacing just doesn’t allow the artist to give each moment the right punch. Can you imagine if the first panel was crammed into a single square inch?”

Chad Hardin: “Yavana was one of the only characters that we did no preliminary sketches for. I don’t know how that happened, but thankfully it worked out.”

David Gaider: “I love how Yavana looks like a cross between Flemeth and Morrigan. Flemmigan? She’s totally Chad’s design, and it’s great. Typical for these witches, she never says things straight. In my mind, this Alistair is the one who did the Dark Ritual in Dragon Age: Origins - and I was half-tempted to have him lose his cool in this first scene [opening panels of Chapter 4] with her. Too early, though.”

Alexander Freed: “Through this whole sequence [the page when Varric aims Bianca at Yavana], Yavana is dropping cryptic hints and Alistair is refusing to play along. He’s met Flemeth and Morrigan - he knows Yavana won’t give him a straight answer, and he won’t give her the satisfaction of asking needlessly.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Sometimes it’s the little things on a page that spark my interest. Here [when the team navigate vines and mud to get to the temple], the sunset panel came out great and the mud looks really thick and gooey. It’s fun to focus on these details and make them stand out.”

Chad Hardin: “I hated drawing this scene [when Isabela gets kicked] where Isabela gets the boot to the face. Call me old fashioned, but I was raised to believe that only a coward would ever hit a woman (even a battle-hardened pirate adventurer). I draw at home, and my girls often watch me work in my studio. This was a page I didn’t want them watching me draw. I do like, though, that Isabela gets up, yanks the arrow out, and then soldiers on (and later extracts brutal revenge).”

Michael Atiyeh: “Poor Isabela. It seems I gave her more bruises and black eyes than any of the other characters. [when Isabela is yanking the arrow out]”

Chad Hardin: “It’s always interesting to go back and look at artwork because it reminds me of what was going on in my life at the time. I inked this page [opening panels of Chapter 5] at a ‘draw night’ session at an anime convention in St. George, Utah. I was one of the special guests, but I missed the first day because I was at my grandfather’s funeral in Las Vegas, Nevada. Seeing this page brought back those memories.”

David Gaider: “‘Bianca says hello.’ [quoting the panels being referenced] I adore Varric. I was tempted to have him narrate the entire series [in reference to these three comics], but then again I liked the idea of having each series center on one of the trio’s viewpoints. This book belongs to Alistair, but that doesn’t stop Varric from getting all the best lines.”

Alexander Freed: “Claudio, of course, is not a terribly sympathetic figure. But I wanted to emphasize that he takes this fight as personally as Isabela - he sincerely loved Luis and blames Isabela for the man’s death. I think it’s important to give every character, even the most loathsome, some dignity. [when Isabela and Claudio are fighting]”

Chad Hardin: “Payback! Here is where Isabela extracts her revenge on Claudio [when Isabela stabs Claudio]. I never enjoyed killing off a character so much. I particularly enjoyed putting the look of shock in his eyes. He had it coming. There is something satisfying about killing a ‘made man’.”

Chad Hardin: “Every now and then when drawing comics, I wish I could animate some panels and watch them as a cartoon. It would be great to see this sequence [when Yavana catches Claudio’s soul] in full motion as Yavana snatches Claudio’s soul, makes it reenter his corpse and then extracts information from him until he bursts into flame. It was a very Hellboy-ish moment. I enjoyed the movie that played in my mind while drawing this scene. Hope everyone liked the result.”

Chad Hardin: “As I mentioned on page 17, I rendered the first four chapters in grayscale, which made the black-and-white art look great, but had a neutralizing effect when it came to colors. By the time I drew chapter 4, I had seen the effect it was having and decided to stop using the grayscale so the colors would pop. When I saw this page [when Alistair says to Yavana ‘And we helped you find it’] in print, it confirmed to me that I made the right decision. I honestly feel this art was the best of The Silent Grove.”

Chad Hardin: “I practically painted these pages [when Yavana says ‘It is permitted. Tonight and only tonight’] in thumbnails hoping it would help me choose how to render them in ink. It is so hard trying to figure out how to get a full range of value out of just black and white. There are some artists and inkers that make this look easy. Mark Schultz comes to mind. Michael saved my bacon. Colorists really do so much work when it comes to rendering; this page came out awesome because of him.”

David Gaider: “Here we reveal the existence of Great Dragons (as opposed to High Dragons), and also that Yavana was the source of the return of dragons to Thedas after their departure for so many centuries. But why? There’s the rub, and not even Alistair can trust that she’s telling him the truth.”

David Gaider: “Here’s the controversial scene [Alistair killing Yavana]. I think some fans don’t like that Alistair did this, and have said they consider it out of character. I don’t. From his perspective, Flemeth and her daughters have been toying with the world for reasons that can’t be trusted. They dragged Maric away from his family, from him. One might think his judgement foolish, but considering what Alistair was capable of deciding even back in Dragon Age: Origins, it’s certainly not out of character.”

Chad Hardin: “[same scene as above] This was a controversial page, and there were a lot of people who thought it was out of character for Alistair to kill Yavana (I didn’t see it coming - I mean, you just don’t kill a Witch of the Wild), but here is the thing: this page is Alistair acting as a king. Yavana has been manipulating him, trying to play him like a pawn, and he just can’t allow that. There’s too much at stake, for himself and for his subjects.”

Alexander Freed: “The end? An end, at least [the trio walking off into the distance]. The series needed a note of closure while leading into Those Who Speak (which wouldn’t arrive until many months later). David tweaked the ending in the outline several times, and I did my best to balance resolving Alistair’s emotional journey without resolving the quest. It’s not as clean as I’d have liked, but fortunately, now it’s all in one volume...”

Those Who Speak annotations

Alexander Freed: “Capturing Isabela’s narrative voice was much easier for me than capturing Alistair’s - partly because I’d already written The Silent Grove, and partly because of my own writing proclivities. Rereading now, I wonder if I laid on the (mild) profanity a bit too thick. I’ll leave you to judge.”

David Gaider: “I like the additional detail Alex and Chad put in, letting us see more of Qarinus and more of Isabela’s crew. Alex wanted to give her crew more of a presence, and let her first mate have some face time, so they weren’t just parts of the scenery. Good call on his part.”

David Gaider: “I’m really fond of the formal getups Chad made for the party. Isabela’s actually comes from a concept we didn’t use from the cancelled Dragon Age 2 expansion, if I remember right. And Maevaris came from me asking for ‘someone who looks like Mae West’ - with the wonderful outfit all Chad’s doing.

Chad Hardin: “Maevaris. I love Mae. When David and Dragon Age art director Matthew Goldman spoke to me about designing Mae, they wanted her to be fully female with the exception of her biology. They told me to think ‘Mae West’. Well, when I think of Mae West, I think of her... womanly shape. So, drawing Maevaris was always walking a fine line between portraying Mae’s identity and her biology. The process endeared her to me.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Just like in The Silent Grove, we are introduced to another gentleman from Isabela’s past [when the team meet Lord Devon and Isabela threatens him]. As was the case with Claudio, he will meet his fate at her hands.”

Chad Hardin: “When I was drawing Titus, my kids asked me why I was drawing ‘angry Jesus’ or ‘evil Jesus’. I can’t remember which term they used exactly, but it made me chuckle. I was going for a mix of Rapustin and Joe Stalin, but ‘evil Jesus’ would do.”

David Gaider: “I’m not sure it’s apparent here [when Alistair says ‘I’d really rather not’], but Alistair was supposed to be using one of his Templar powers on Titus (that’s why Titus recognizes what he is on the next page) and disrupting his magic.”

Alexander Freed: “Isabela is witty and charming enough that it can be easy to forget that she’s not, in fact, a nice person. Even after finishing the outline, David was concerned about making her too unsympathetic - but I loved his approach in this series. The dark deeds Isabela commits - this murder included [Isabela killing Lord Devon] - are what make her guilt tangible and no easy matter to overcome.”

Alexander Freed: “I thought the notions of Isabela’s pride in her captaincy and dedication to her crew were some of the most interesting aspects of her character in David’s story. In scenes here [when Isabela is on her ship saying ‘Keep them focused and keep them sober’] and elsewhere, I did my best to emphasize their place at the core of Isabela’s world.”

Chad Hardin: “Most of the time I draw from imagination, but because of the complexity of this page [Qunari trying to board Isabela’s ship] I decided it would work better if I had photo reference. On this page are my nephews Jared (Varric) and Adam, my niece Melissa, my kids Erica, Tasey Michaela (Isabela) and Chad (Alistair), my friend’s daughter Amy, my wife Joy, and the neighborhood kids as Isabela’s pirate crew. (The crew member mooning the Qunari is out of my ol’ noodle.) I paid their modelling fee in pizza and root beer. Also, I had originally drawn cannons on Isabela’s ship, so if there are parts of it that look slightly wonky, chances are there was a cannon there.”

David Gaider: “Ever since the BioWare artists finally did a concept for female Qunari, I’ve been itching to include one in the game. It’s always slipped through my fingers, so I was going to be damned if I’d have a Qunari plot in a comic - without the same technical limitations - and not have one present.

Chad Hardin: “I had no idea this was the first time anyone outside of BioWare had seen a female Qunari.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I really like the lighting in this sequence [Isabela in her cell thinking ‘I haven’t eaten in days’], especially the strong white light and the characters in shadow.”

David Gaider: “The entire sequence of Rasaan interrogating Isabela was something I plotted out in detail when this series began. Here they discuss names - something treated in a manner peculiar to the Qunari, considering how much importance they apply to what things are called (and not called), because it forms the core of their identity. Isabela brushes it off, but as we find out later it’s also at the core of her identity. I liked that parallel.”

Alexander Freed: “To balance out the relatively static talking pages elsewhere in the issue, I hoped to make the interrogation and flashback sequences beautiful and full of information. I proposed an approach to Chad, and he wisely reshaped it into what you see here [the page with the scene where Isabela says ‘I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes’]. Anything that succeeds on these pages should be credited to him; anything that fails is my fault.”

Chad Hardin: “Probably the most challenging spread I have ever done. My friend Stacie Pitt was the model for Isabela on this page, and my wife Joy was Rasaan. I saved these pages [around the scene when Rasaan says ‘Mistakes can be corrected’] for myself.”

David Gaider: “Sten from Dragon Age: Origins becoming the new Arishok of the Qunari was something we'd planned even during Dragon Age 2. This was a great opportunity to show that, and also to show that Sten didn’t acquire horns even despite the makeover the Qunari received in DA2. Hornless Qunari are considered special, and Sten is no exception.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I think that David, Alex and Chad handled Isabela’s flashback [to when she was sold by her mother] in an interesting way, and it created a nice flow to the story.”

David Gaider: “This was a controversial scene [what happened to the slaves Isabela was transporting], the end result of a lot of discussions between me and Isabela’s original writer on the team, and it went through a lot of revisions over that time. It needed to fit with the story Isabela told the player in DA2, but fill in the blanks of what she didn’t tell. We didn’t want Isabela to be someone who became who she is because she was ‘broken’ but instead as a result of her own actions - yet also not be completely beyond redemption.”

Chad Hardin: “These were hard pages [as above] to draw. It was difficult knowing that events such as this are part of human history, such as the Zong massacre in 1781, where the British courts ordered the insurers to reimburse the crew of the Zong for financial losses caused by throwing slaves overboard when faced with a lack of water. Horrifying beyond words.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Here, Isabela visits here crew, and I wanted to play up that she was in the light and they were in a dark cell. The light streaming through the bars gave me the opportunity to highlight Brand, who also had dialogue in the scene.”

Alexander Freed: “I struggled to find a way for Varric to contribute to victory without distracting from Alistair and Sten’s big fight. I’m happy with the solution: a brazen lie seemed appropriate to the character without taking away from the main show.”

David Gaider: “I believe my original plan had Isabela’s and Alistair’s fight scenes happening separately, but I like how Alex intertwined them in the script and I especially like how this ends up highlighting the differences between their characters when their fights are resolved. Isabela is defiant, revealing her name not because Rasaan demands it but because it’s her choice. In both cases, mercy is strength.”

Michael Atiyeh: “The brush I created for the clouds really gave them a nice watercolor effect here [on the deck of the ship, Sten calling Alistair ‘kadan’]. That brush has become a staple in my toolbox.”

Alexander Freed: “With the strong theme of names running through these issues, I liked the notion that Isabela had outgrown being, well, ‘Isabela’. When her name comes up in Until We Sleep, it’s largely played with ambiguity.”

Until We Sleep annotations

Alexander Freed: “The story of ‘Arthur’ is one of my favorite minor sequences [Varric infiltrating and fighting his way into the fortress]. It tells us something about Varric and it delivers plot information - and it’s also a reminder that our heroes kill an awful lot of people during these series and cope with it in their own ways. In general, writing Varric let me skirt the edge of metacommentary, which I greatly enjoyed.”

David Gaider: “Varric, as always, is my ‘voice of the narrator’. Here he’s expressing some of my own amusement at Alistair’s growing list of peculiarities [‘Your majesty is quite the special snowflake’]. To think, back at the beginning of Dragon Age: Origins he was just the player’s goofy sidekick who grew up in a barn.”

Michael Atiyeh: “By the third series, Until We Sleep, I really started to have a complete feel for what I wanted the final art to look like. As an artist, it’s important to continue to evolve and grow. The close-up of Sten’s face [same page as above] is a perfect example of how I wanted the rendering on the characters to look.”

Alexander Freed: “David’s outline called for a short, somber reveal of the Calenhad story by Sten. Fueled by my desire to avoid ‘talking heads’ sequences, I scripted it as a full-on storytelling flashback. David made sure the history worked (at least from the Qunari point of view), and Chad did a beautiful job handling it in a mere two pages.”

David Gaider: “Blood is important in Dragon Age, as a theme. Here we tie in the dragon blood that was mentioned all the way back in The Silent Grove and explain what it means at last. I was a bit hesitant to tarnish the legend of Calenhad the Great in this way, but I comfort myself with the knowledge this tale is but a viewpoint and not necessarily the entire truth.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Titus melting the attacker is a great example of classic comicbook storytelling and exactly what made me fall in love with the medium.”

David Gaider: “I was really happy with how Chad handled the reveal of Mae as transgender [the scene with Mae in the cell]. My worry was that Varric finding her disrobed might be potentially titillating, but I think he handled it nicely. I only wish there was more time to have Mae properly respond to being exposed in this manner, even to a friend.”

Chad Hardin: “I originally drew Mae as female [same scene as above], then changed her anatomy, so the psychological violation and humiliation she felt would be the focus. Hope that came across.”

Chad Hardin: “When in doubt, have Bianca shoot it [Varric shooting the artifact].”

David Gaider: “This scene [Varric and Bianca the dwarf] with Varric was one I wanted to do for a very long time. We’ve hinted that Varric’s crossbow was named after a real person, someone he never wants to talk about. Now I finally had the chance to show why.”

Chad Hardin: “Of all my Dragon Age pages, this scene was hands down my favorite, because Varric is my favorite. It was awesome to get to draw Bianca in her dwarven form. These scenes give you a glimpse of the love Varric and Bianca shared. It doesn’t tell you the whole story, but you can assume plenty from what is shown. You get to see Varric mostly naked (you’re welcome), but most of all you witness Varric’s heartbreak. I felt privileged to draw it. I got so obsessed with drawing this page I did an entire watercolor painting based on the last panel [Varric gets up to leave, ‘This isn’t right’ - ? or perhaps the scene where he opens the door to leave].”

Alexander Freed: “Unreliable narrators are always tricky - done wrong, they can just confuse the reader. But I’m fairly happy with Varric’s lies throughout this series, most of which are used to downplay the emotional cost of events rather than whitewash the events themselves.”

Michael Atiyeh: “This palette worked perfectly [Varric standing in front of the doorway/portal in the Fade proper], but I can’t take all the credit because BioWare provided reference for the Fade. I added the hot orange energy for the doorway, which looks great with the sickly green sky.”

David Gaider: “This scene [Isabela’s Fade nightmare] was actually inspired by a fan named Allegra who did a cosplay as a Qunari version of Isabela. I knew I wanted something like this for Isabela’s Fade section of the comic, but it didn’t really solidify until I saw the cosplay.”

Chad Hardin: “Isabela is more affected by her encounter with Rasaan than we were led to believe. A portent of things to come?”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love this shot of Mae in the fourth panel [on the page where Isabela is affected by vines]. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention what a great character she is in the series, and Chad captures her beautifully in this shot.”

Alexander Freed: “I saw this issue as a sort of downbeat victory lap. Over the course of the previous series, our protagonists largely came to terms with the inner demons the Fade confronts them with here. The fact they’ve come so far lets them win this last battle... but they still have scars that will never completely disappear.”

David Gaider: “Maric was in the first two novels I wrote for Dragon Age. Seeing Chad’s rendering of him as a regal, grown-up version of Alistair made me incredibly nostalgic. Some characters you just never let go of.”

Alexander Freed: “I feel Varric’s lines (‘tell yourself the stories you need to tell’ but ‘never live your own lies’) are the natural endpoint of all the exchanges he’s had with Alistair, starting from the end of Chapter 1 of The Silent Grove. And of course it plays off the story of ‘Arthur’, as well.’’

Chad Hardin: “I’m happy with the way Titus came off in these pages [Titus attacking and saying ‘The last magisters of Tevinter were so close’]. He looks threatening and powerful when fighting Alistair, Isabela and Varric, but genuinely confused by his inability to defeat Maric. Bye-bye, evil Jesus.”

Alexander Freed: “I can’t help but feel for Titus. He was unthinkably corrupt, but I see him as genuinely motivated by Tevinter’s glory. (The fact Alistair reads zealous ideology as a lust for power says a lot about both characters.)”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love the seamless transition of color from Titus’ magic to the dragon breath and then back into the orange remnants of his magic in the smoke. This was a really fun panel to color [Titus saying ‘Die by what wrought you’].”

David Gaider: “‘You are not the dreamer here. I am.’ I always have a scene or a line that’s in my head when I begin a tale, and this line of Maric’s was one I wanted all the way back when I started working on The Silent Grove.”

Chad Hardin: “I love this page [Maric and Alistair clasping hands]; Mike’s colors are spot on. We get to see all our heroes in an ideal state for the last time. This is the last Dragon Age page I saved for myself.”

David Gaider: “This scene kills me [Alistair destroying the Magrallen]. I knew it needed to happen; I knew I wanted it to happen even back when I began the story. Alistair lets Maric remain in the Fade rather than dragging him back to a world which has moved on. Alistair’s ready to move on, but forcing him to give up that hope... it makes me feel like a bad person.”

Chad Hardin: “Heartbreak for Alistair as he realizes that once again, as a king, he must kill: this time, his own father (granted, the Magrallen did most of the work). I really like how Maric crumbles away in the end. This was my last page, and the emotions on the page and in my studio were very final. Altogether, this was a year of my life in the making. On my last page, I wrote a thank you to everyone involved, the crew at Dark Horse and the crew at BioWare. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank them again. It was a thrill. Finally, a huge thank-you to the Dragon Age fan community, whose support was overwhelmingly awesome.”

Michael Atiyeh: “As the story came to an end, I knew I was going to miss these characters. Writing these annotations reinforces the fact that I hope to work with this great creative team again one day. Many thanks to Dark Horse and BioWare for the opportunity to work on Dragon Age.”

Alexander Freed: “The tension between the art and the narration on this page [the one with Alistair sitting on his throne while nobles argue] is something you can only pull off in comics. Neither tells the full, bittersweet story alone. Similarly, these issues wouldn’t have been possible without everyone on the team; thanks to David, Chad, Michael, and everyone I lack space to list!”

Additional pages / art

Library Edition Volume 1 also came with some additional pages, with additional art and commentary. These are as follows (I’m including them for the sake of completion, click the links to see):

1. Alistair and dragon concepts

2. Rasaan and Maevaris concepts

3. Sten, Titus and Yavana concepts

4. A series of cover pages 1

5. A series of cover pages 2

In case anyone has trouble reading the notes that accompany these images, I’ve transcribed them below:

1. Dragon Age Sketch Book

Alistair Concept 

Dragon Age / Dark Horse

Chad Hardin: “The headshot of Alistair is from a finished sketch with a rejected armor design. In order to save time, the redrawing was completed on the computer, where tweaks and changes are quick and easy, if somewhat less glorious.”

[Dragon] Head #1 / Head #2

Chad Hardin: “Everyone liked this dragon sketch so much that Dark Horse printed it for signings at conventions. You can see I did multiple proposals for the dragon’s head. It was more effective than drawing the body over and over.”

-

2. [arrow pointing to Mae’s sleeve] concealed [I think that’s what it says anyway] daggers / shurikens?

Chad Hardin: “When designing Rasaan and Maevaris, I wasn’t exactly sure how their roles would play out in the series. Maevaris’ outfit was inspired by brothel madams of the Wild West. I thought it would be cool to have some weapons concealed in the formal wear. These never came into play in the series, but they were there in my mind.”

-

3. Chad Hardin: “Although we only see Titus in his battle garb in one issue, I really liked the design of his armor. The sketch of Yavana was done on the fly and served as both a rough preliminary sketch and as a panel layout. You have to work hard and smart in comics to keep up with the deadlines.”

-

4. Cover Artist Anthony Palumbo: “This was my first assignment for Dark Horse, and I was both excited and nervous. I drew pencil sketches of the main characters, scanned them and played with different arrangements, poses and color schemes in Photoshop.”

-

5. Anthony Palumbo: “Fellow illustrator Winona Nelson helped me by sitting for photo reference. I created the mock-jewelry with gold-painted Sculpey. That’s a quick photo of my own gaping maw, to help with the image of Varric.”

[zombiegurlmode]

Sad that Camren Shippers are to blame. But alas, scape goats are necessary for someone to thrive

I’m not done ranting apparently. Clearly, after all of my satirical nature has come to pass, truth of the matter is, for someone who spoke so openly and highly of valuing love and honesty and all that jazz. Your words cut deeper than any knife could. And for someone who openly “claims” of being a part of the LGBT+ community, (whereas the numbers are thriving so much that more letters are added and we’re almost about to fill in the entire alphabet) we have yet to receive such a backlash coming from “supposedly” one of us. Imagine the horror right? True, perhaps your words may have been misconstrued by the public at large or twisted in some form to suit everyone’s selfish needs. I mean after all, isn’t that what camren shippers are called for - delusional AF and toxic as hell. Well, we don’t deny it and couldn’t deny the fact that yes, there are plenty of us who are quite enthusiastic to a fault. Honestly, tell me in what space or bygone era have toxic people never appeared in. Truth of the matter is, it’s how you deal with things and toxicity that affect each and everyone of us. Happiness is only a matter of possessing the right attitude. And no one, not any one, can take that away from you. Not even hardships.

There are several things I would like to personally address though. Camren shippers most likely than not have in some way or the other connected with you. We all something that we could relate to, From your internalized phobia, or from you getting to finally openly admit your own sexuality and fully embracing it wonderfully, or some other things that the others felt truly connected or as you love to so put it “resonate” with you. So don’t blame your fans if they are passionate in expressing themselves because all humans have escapism in them. And to some, perhaps, this is the only means they have some semblance of control to freely express themselves openly. No one is undermining your hardship when you were outed, or that fact that you were bullied for it, or pressured to act in a certain acceptable way so you may be deemed as socially normal “acceptable” human being, whereas all you truly deserve was love and compassion. But I would like to remind you of one very fine detail. When you were outed, camren shippers were there to support you. Because they (wasn’t here yet when it happened so I can’t include myself) understood well above and beyond that what you encountered was so horrendous. You were cheated and robbed of that one pleasure and right given to every LGBT+ member to pride on - the true nature of coming out. See the thing is, the homophobes corrupted the words coming out so much that even as LGBT+ members sometimes forget the true existence of it. it’s not about public declaration or waving the flag, or marching in rainbows, or stamping a giant sign across your forehead declaring that you’re a proud, frolicking, fun-loving, women-loving lesbian (or in any way the others identify themselves as). No! Coming out and its true nature is simply coming to terms with yourself on your own pace and leisure. So truly I am sorry that you have been cheated out of this privilege. But it wouldn’t be fair for you to lump it together with your emotions and throw it at your brethren (if you even consider us as such). Perhaps, that is not your intention. Just to be clear, I am not invaliding how you’ve felt or how you’re feeling now. No one has the power to do that to someone else - I’m referring to telling others how to feel. Yet the message we perceived is quite clear. That we, as a collective known as Camren Shippers, who “supposedly” belong to the LGBT+ community (ok, maybe not all of us. that’s too presumptive on my part) and pride on understanding your own volitions caused this very volitions to surface or in your words “manifest” in you. We are the hindrances that robbed you of your chance to have a decent flirtation towards the same sex. Ironically speaking, Camren Shippers were the ones also on the forefront of defending your honor when some boy belonging to a particular boy band along with his bandmates ridiculed and degraded your feminine existence simply because they thought they were joking around. I mean aren’t jokes like that - it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Jokes most often than not are made at the expense of others. Doesn’t make it any less right, but then again who are we to blame them for something they thought of as a joke. Let’s all face it people, we are all guilty of this act. And yet, the CS never did falter. Carrying their banners of delusions and brandishing their armors of grandeurs, all in the name sake of defending someone who is belittled for the sake of “fun and games”. Even after deliberately attacking the CS for their enthusiasm and calling it invasive, they were still there for you especially so when they saw how pressure started affecting you. They were always so attuned to you that they were the first to notice signs that you may possibly be queer or you may possibly be undergoing some form of inner conflict. They all wish you good health and as you put it in words “send their love to you” so you may never feel alone enduring all this pain. And now imagine the heartache that every shipper might or might not be going through right now. Because apparently, that same support that they have been sending you is perceived as pain and suffering from your end. How would you feel if the very thought that the love and adoration you have causes someone pain and insecurity? So far, all that you have discussed is the negativity that surrounds an apparent DEAD SHIP. Negativity? Sounds familiar right? You preach on it on numerous occasion. You even wrote a song 50FT. Maybe you should be the one to listen on your own attunement. You brought so much negativity on the topic whereas it was meant to be about your coming out. Again, sorry that you’re coming out seemed more like a burden than liberation for you. And again, I apologize that we are the reason behind it.

Just to clarify. We never undermined your suffering. We know all too well the pain that one undergoes in this journey called self discovery of one’s true sexuality. To be honest, those of us who fear coming out or being outed because of rejection, bullying, disowning, we are the lucky ones. There are some of us who undergo far more threats by simply accepting who they truly are. They fear for the safety of their family, they fear for their own safety, they fear the valid threats of rape and degradation and being treated as if you are worse than animals. There are those individuals where the very soil that they stood upon view homosexuality as ILLEGAL and violation of such law would yield severe punishments. So tell them, tell them that they don’t know the risks, the pains, the sufferings, the deteriorations of ones’ sanities, tell them that they don’t understand it because all they ever care about is Camren. Tell them that they’re only glimmer of hope on priding on someone that may have found what they yearn for is invalid. Tell them that living vicariously on your life brings so much distraught on your otherwise calm existence. Tell them that and they have been the first ones to apologize that you felt that way. Because I’ve read their posts and I’ve felt their pains. And we are sorry to cause you so much pain.

I will remind you. No one forced you to audition for xfactor in the pursuance of your dream. You even have the support of your family for your journey. And we are all grateful that you did. Otherwise, we may not even have bothered you so much. Otherwise, we may not even know that you existed. So let me remind you that the industry you belong to - spotlight is king. So don’t go complaining if your put under the it - that’s the point of the industry my dear, the limelight. I’m a purchaser, I can’t complain if my daily tasks comprise of purchasing goods. Otherwise, I have no business being a purchaser. I’m clearly in the wrong field if I felt that way. So it wouldn’t be fair to tell your fans (if you even consider us as such) to blame us for putting you under the spotlight. May I make a suggestion? Try holding a concert without the lights on next time. You do have sensitive eyes because of the lack of melanin in your eyes. We get that.

Also, you know Becky G never did mention about camren. You brought it up on your own. Just like you’ve given us “it’s camren yo!”. You did say and i quote (uh oh i’m sure going to butcher this. I failed in quoting people all the time) “i don’t really talk about it” and then preceded to have entire litany about camren and whatnot. Ok, I get it, it was part of your coming out process. Cool. Then you’ve touched upon how reading fanfics have ruined you. And made you feel like a predator. Firstly, camren fanfics are intended for shippers only. Like all mediums, they have their own specific intended audieces. For you to wander into uncharted terrains, you must have understood the risks it entails. I don’t know which ones you’ve read, but most fics from decent authors have disclaimer on them. Did you even bother reading the disclaimer? On the onset of something that made you feel awkward or uncomfortable or disturbing, you should’ve stopped on your own and never be bothered with it again. That’s the usual thing to do. If any human find something or someone repulsive, they would ceased to seek it. But it bothered you so much and made you feel like a predator then you’ve read the entirety of it (maybe i’m exaggerating, ok a good chuck of it, sounds better?) Well someone did tell me it could have been born out of curiosity. Yeah curiosity did kill the cat, you know? Unless of course you’re a masochist, then now I finally understand and I have nothing more to add.

So for my parting words, I would again extend my deepest, sincerest apology I could muster in my current sane state for being the cause and hindrance for your inner peace and wellbeing. I am not mocking you. This is just the nature I write. Troublesome, I know. But I’m being honest. If my being a fan of you, and shipping you in our own little niche, caused you so much pain and suffering then I respect your wishes. It would be foolish of me to continue pouring my support to you when all along I’m actually doing the opposite and harming you in the process. I mean what decent human being would like to inflict pain unto others. So in honor of my last words relating to your brand Lauren Jauregui or the very dead ship that apparently troubled you so much, I bid you the very best. May you flourish on your career and find inner peace and true happiness forever and always. I would not like to be a fan of any brand that I’m the apparent cause whether directly or indirectly impedes in attaining their endeavors. All the best in your album release and who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon your music again someday. 

[crazy-loca-blog]

Hola hermosa! I bring you this week's round of newlywed questions!

Notes: Answer the following with pictures (dialogue from your characters is optional!). Collages are highly encouraged if you want to answer a question with multiple pictures because tumblr mobile only allows 10 total pics (there are 10 questions). Otherwise, tumblr on a desktop lets you add multiple pictures!

Also, don’t worry about picking pictures of your face claim (if any) to answer these! Any picture of the outfit/place, no matter who is wearing it, makes absolute sense! Have fun!

For MC

Favorite picture of Ethan at your wedding?

Favorite picture on your honeymoon (of him or otherwise)?

Favorite outfit(s) on him?

What does your home look like?

Picture of your spouse's last purchase.

For Ethan

Favorite picture of your wife at your wedding?

Favorite picture on your honeymoon (of her or otherwise)?

Favorite outfit(s) on him/her?

Picture of a dream getaway or date you would surprise her with?

Last picture she sent you.

Gracias guapa!!

As usual, I had so much fun answering these!! I love how these questions push me to give my vision of Ethan x Casey more freedom without forgetting the canon and how with every round of questions this pair seems to be more mine than PB's creation.

Masterlist

~~*~~*~~

For Casey

Favorite picture of Ethan at your wedding?

Casey: I know he tries to disguise it, but I could recognize his "what the hell am I getting into" face everywhere.

Ethan: I was so ridiculously nervous, I don't remember being this nervous about anything before, and I was talking a lot of nonsense... so I remember asking my dad and your brother why none of them stopped me from doing all of this when I talked to both of them before proposing, because I could never be good enough for you... and they both agreed that I had to stop being a fool and to start being happy... and then they reminded me that getting married was all my idea because the thought never crossed your mind while we were dating, not even once.

Casey: True... when he proposed, I actually thought he was joking. Since the moment I met him, I knew that marriage wasn't something he had considered for his life and I was fine with it because I hadn't considered it for myself either, so in my head, we were on the same page and getting married wasn't even an option. We were happy and that's everything I needed, I didn't need a ring or some signed paperwork. It took me like three hours and a conversation with my brother over the phone to realize that it was true, that he was dead serious and that we were getting married.

Favorite picture on your honeymoon (of him or otherwise)?

Ethan: Please Casey, don't embarrass me...

Casey: What? I was going for this one! Your NSFW pics are only for my personal delight, Ramsey. You should know by now that I'm a very private person.

Favorite outfit(s) on him?

Casey: First of all, let me clarify that my husband looks much, much better with no clothes on...

Ethan, pinching the bridge of his nose: I knew she'd find a way to embarrass me...

Casey: Hey! I'm saying nice things about you! Anyway, more than the outfit itself, it's what it actually represents. One, yeah, my husband is hot. Two, yeah, my husband does have a nice wardrobe. And three, and the real reason why I love this outfit, it's because he looks so laid back! It's so hard to make him relax, but truly relax, because his mind is always working on how to keep helping people and his job demands a lot of him. So if he's wearing this or something like this, then you know he's put his mind to rest for a day.

What does your home look like?

Casey: Do we need a ridiculously big apartment? No. Did we want a ridiculously big apartment just for the two of us? Yes. It's the only real thing that we've invested a lot of money on besides the car, so... no regrets...

Picture of your spouse's last purchase.

Casey: He bought himself a Swiss watch. Now I have no excuse to be late at work without the Chief noticing it.

Ethan, laughing: We go to work together every single day, there is no way that you're coming to work later than me!

Casey: You never know, Ethan...

~~*~~*~~

For Ethan

Favorite picture of your wife at your wedding?

Ethan: This one. My wife is smiling, she looks happy and my heart feels full of love every time I look at it. Period.

Casey, getting emotional: I might need a Kleenex right now...

Ethan: Are you okay?

Casey: Yeah... it's just that I can't believe how lucky I am to have you in my life...

Ethan, getting emotional: Trust me, I'm the lucky one here... I love you...

Casey: I love you, too...

Favorite picture on your honeymoon (of her or otherwise)?

Ethan: I don't know if she knows I took this picture of her, but I love it.

Casey: That's a great picture, babe! I hadn't seen it! You may have a future as my official photographer.

Favorite outfit(s) on him/her?

Ethan: She could wear whatever she wants, and she still would look better naked...

Casey: Ethan!

Ethan: ...so this is a hard one... OK, this one! I really like it because Casey is not a person who worries a lot about trends. She just takes whatever it's in her closet and makes it work. I consider that a gift and kind of her hidden talent.

Picture of a dream getaway or date you would surprise her with?

Ethan: I'm not working on this yet, but cover your ears and close your eyes, honey, or you might ruin the plan...

Casey, while covering her ears and closing her eyes: Not fair!

Ethan: Well, this was actually the original plan for our honeymoon, but after the wedding we were so exhausted that we ended up going to a beach and doing nothing more than relaxing, sleeping and having a lot of sex. But Casey is the type of traveller who needs to be challenged and the common tourist place won't make it for her. So I most definitely plan to take her to Europe for two weeks, but no big cities, only those small postcard villages in different countries.

Casey: Can I go back to normal now?

Ethan: Sure babe, you can.

Last picture she sent you.

Ethan, with a mischievous smile: Are you sure you want to see the last picture she sent me?

Casey: Ethan... keep it PG...

Ethan: Sorry, I can't do it... but I can show you the previous one... she sent me this picture to show me that she was having ice cream for lunch with Sienna and that I couldn't do anything to stop her from doing it.

Casey: But look at the sprinkles! You can't say NO to those!!!

[resinatingbeauty]

Witchcraft & Expectations

What do you really expect from the Craft?

I had considered writing this for a while before actually doing it just because I didn't want anyone to feel like they were being attacked or singled out. Offending you isn't the purpose of this post, so please do not be discouraged by anything you read here. There is no wrong way of practicing your Craft and to each their own. I was just curious about perspectives when it comes to your expectations regarding Witchcraft, magick, and spirituality as I have dealt with many different people following many different paths since focusing more on my Craft and art through my shop which began on Mercari and grew enough to become more established on Etsy.

I do sell many spiritual / witchy items from personalized spell kits to witchy mystery boxes compiled with Intuitively chosen and my own handmade, one of a kind items. Among the most popular spiritual offerings are my 'buy one get one miniature spell jars,' which allow my customers to select two general purposes or a personalized request from which I assemble and enchant a miniature glass spell jar containing herbs, crystals, essential oils, and other objects based on their needs and requests. I wanted to make these little portable vessel talismans more available to everyone price and purpose wise, compared to others that have been charged with a more specific intent or devoted to a specific deity.

I have a long history of using spell jars myself for various purposes whenever I feel compelled to create one or a special occasion arises. I'm picky about larger jars and bottles, however, so they are usually created in small corked jars or in larger jars that I will sometimes embellish or try new things to integrate that allow the spell jar to also be an appealing or intriguing piece of handmade everyday decor while serving its spiritual purpose, such as the one in the photo above.

For the most part, I have found a surprisingly amount of success with my spell jars. Not just myself, but others as well have reported events that they thought were directly related to their spell jar. I had created one for my neighbor a couple weeks ago who had been searching for a better job than the one she had at a preschool. The day after I gave her the jar, she received a text from an old coworker who notified her that a position at a bank she had applied at months ago that had nothing available at that time had just opened up.

This actually exceeded my expectations. In my experience, magick takes time. Others who have commented on the success of their spell jars or magick in general would contact me a few weeks or so after using their spell kit or receiving their spell jar. I created a spell jar back in January to help jumpstart my small business selling my crafts and Craft and didn't really start to see a huge change until mid-March-April where I was more successful than even I anticipated.

This was about on par with what I expected in terms of time, as most spells I've ever done have taken days, weeks, or even months to start manifesting results that couldn't be passed off or ignored. To be sure, I include a scroll with each of my kits and jars explaining how they are best utilized, to have patience, how to set a purpose and intentions, the power of thinking positively, and that magick rewards those who are willing to work and make sacrifices for what they desire. To me, all of these things are virtues that this path teaches us and are part of what makes the Craft so empowering overall. Whether it was the spell or your hard work, you are the catalyst for change. You made things happen. I mean, what is more empowering than that?

This is part of the reason why I personally chose to over spell kits and magickal tools rather than offering to cast spells or perform rituals on one's behalf. It was my desire to make YOU feel empowered and you are the one ultimately responsible for your own success or failure, whether spiritually or otherwise. I'll gladly steer you down the road of success and provide you with my knowledge, experience, and guidance, but I am always clear about what to expect.

Unfortunately, we live in a time where instant gratification is anticipated and expected, which I never considered in terms of Witchcraft. I knew that no matter how many times I write 'set realistic expectations, focus on your purpose, be patient, and keep doing what your doing' that some people would just blow through all that hoping that they just bought a quick fix for all their problems for $6.99 + a buy one get one deal.

Two weeks or so ago, I had received an order for said jars from a young man who simply said he wanted a personalized spell jar for lucid dreaming and dream work and selected his second 'free' one for self empowerment. I reached out to clarify and answered some of his questions. My immediate impression from him was one of discord. He expressed a lot of turmoil in his life over the past few months and claimed to have taken on a lot of responsibility. He seemed young and eager, with a ton of questions regarding magick in general. I answered his questions the best I could, but reiterated the same values I expressed in the previous paragraph when asked why such and such spell wasn't working, 'should I not have done this,' etc. Magick takes time to manifest, especially when it comes to financial purposes like he explained which are inherently unlikely to resolve themselves overnight.

He seemed happy enough with his purchase and said as much when he received his package. A couple days later, I received a notification about a review he had left which was negative, saying one of his spell jars didn't work with a message delivered in tandem asking what purpose I had set for his spell jar.

Let me say this: I am not upset with him or complaining about his review. He is entitled to his own opinion, although I was annoyed with how quickly he had come to the conclusion when in the instructions I provided him I specifically said that these things take time to work. Anyone who receives results instantly or within the next day or so are exceeding my own expectations. Which is great! Hooray!

But this is definitely not the standard I've come to expect in all the years I've been practicing the Craft.

I continued chatting with and answering this young man's questions and ultimately uncovered that he was upset about a variety of things that had been going on in his life. In his mind, he felt entitled to have these things work for him sooner rather than later and was frustrated and angry that nothing he tried had been working out the way he expected.

In the time that I have opened my little shop, I have (thankfully) only run into one other person like this- where their understanding of Witchcraft seems to have been compiled from television and movies. After the first, I learned to tread lightly around these individuals because, whether it's their fault or not, they have been mislead.

Television shows like old school Charmed and the newer Salem and Witches of East End are really entertaining. I enjoyed watching them, but they are the absolute enemy of those who practice magick / witchcraft as a form of religion or spirituality. Sure, some of these shows actually do their research. Even Buffy the Vampire Slayer was ahead of its time introducing Wiccans, Technopagans, and New Age practices to pop culture and in many ways helped to show people an obscured version of the truth during the 'Satanic Panic' period when even witches hated being called witches and the pentagram / pentacle difference became an actual difference that wasn't just a choice of words.

Newer generations growing up with Harry Potter, which is hardly a great introduction into magickal traditions, were at least more open minded than the previous generation to the actuality of witchcraft and magick as a spiritual practice.

I mean, who doesn't want to snap their fingers and make the house tidy in one fell swoop?

I sure do. But even when I first started practicing at 11 I understood that that just isn't how it is.

This young man who was saying he lead a coven sounded more like he was LARPing than legitimately asking for spiritual guidance. I realized real quick that I couldn't do anything for him. What he wanted and expected, no matter how many times I referenced the instructions I provided (he evidently hadn't acknowledged) and relayed to him my own experience and expectations, he was looking for that 'quick fix' and someone or something to blame for when it didn't work the way he thought it would. The main reason for his complaint? The night after he received his spell jar, he said he just dreamnt about the moon.

My understanding of lucid dreaming was having direct control over ones dreams. The more I talked to this person the more it became clear that this wasn't his understanding of lucid dreaming. I tried to ask what he had tried to gain that control, as many of you know that I suffered from sleep paralysis for years and taught myself how to realize and 'break out' of it over time. He referenced making offerings to a goddess. I had to stop.

I'm sure that another business minded witch would have sold him something else or offered an exchange. I (stupidly) tried to make him understand that he has the power to manifest his desires. All I did was provide him with a tool to help things along.

This was the same for the woman I had dealt with months ago who said that she had been told by this coven owned business that she was a vampire reincarnated to be with her lover. That was the ultimate end of our conversation because she didn't seem very open to anything I suggested. Whether the things she bought were 'effective' for her or not we will never know. When she started messaging me to the point of harassment I deleted her messages and flagged them as spam. All this time and effort spent consoling someone who really isn't in the right frame of mind for magick or witchcraft.

The main point in writing this ranty post is to get the perspective of the community. What are your expectations for your own spells? What do you tell others when they ask? If you are also a 'witch shop' owner or own your own spiritual practice how do you deal with clients that have set unrealistic expectations for you and your Craft?

[fishmongeringstudies]

twelve: put your best foot forward

limbo is, first and foremost, a state of mind. after all, if one exists between places then you are fundamentally undefinable by any known parameters and speak no language that can be parsed by those on either side of the ravine. consider the space between two fingers. it is just enough to suggest distance. but not enough for one more.

for example: it is extremely hard to bring yourself to buy eggs at target when you know that in six days you will have to drag your two suitcases and mirror and 5 x 3ft carpet and seven bottles of nail polish and 25 extra articles of clothing purchased across various retail therapy sessions and goodwill trips across campus to your summer dorm, your real vacation getaway, and that the eggs, in the event that you buy them, will be part of this equation. what i mean to say is i am stuck in this ten day vacation getaway room and i really fucking want eggs. but i cannot finish a dozen in six days or at least should not try and a kilometer is quite a distance when you are, you know, without car, without assistance, without comrades on the vast battlefields of life who will rush to your rescue, eyes wild and flashing like stop-signs with teeth.

to clarify, i do have friends. i say this in the defensive manner indicative of one who has fewer friends than they would personally prefer to have; i admit this. but the circumstances being what they are one learns to make do with what they have. it is summer, after all, and we are in a pandemic. has anyone mentioned this to you recently? if you live in america perhaps the answer is no. if you live anywhere except for america i imagine the answer is yes.

without my realizing it, june has sneaked past my unlocked door, swept across the unswept floor, and ate all of my furniture. i am sitting in an empty room now, beneath the ungodly bedframe, laughing at something you just said. who are you? you are whoever you want to be. never apologize for being yourself. never apologize. be unapologetic.

today i had to feed myself. this was a challenge but to be very fair when you are me most things in life are a challenge. when i was younger i thought it was introversion. now i think i am simply very good at gauging worst case scenarios and then living, alone, in all of them for ridiculously long periods of time. i move from one bad dream to another like a balloon cast to the wind, tossed this way and that, my shirt flapping up to reveal a swathe of fur, dark burgundy, velvet eyes- suddenly i am a bear. like a literal one. not the. no. not like that.

happy pride month! this morning i subjected myself to the horrifying experience of being known and approached the grocery store next to campus like one might approach an exceptionally beautiful person at a ball who looks like they might also kill you. after staring at every object in every aisle for approximately three minutes i left with whole wheat bread, peanut butter, a one liter tub of yogurt, and tuna. the tuna was canned, a fact which came to light later on in the afternoon when i remembered that i do not have a can opener. the yogurt is unsweetened. good thing then that i am such a sweet individual. naturally intoxicating. prone to health problems. prone to fear.

i underestimated myself. health may be a social construct but i would very much like to live to see summer's end so that when july comes crawling in through the window with a face full of cuts i may return to singapore, the home that refuses to be a home, and jump all of my old friends. i will hug each one for at least twenty-five seconds. i decided this in the last minute. because i have decided on it it will happen.

happy pride month! my identity is a laundry list of things you cannot buy at your local grocery store no matter how hard you try and that will therefore piss you off until you realize online shopping is always an avenue, but you already know this. i have other thoughts about what it means to articulate yourself to other people, to become legible in a world full of so many languages; i will save them for later. i have thoughts, also, about retrospection and the fear of the unknown. later. i underestimated myself. i should have bought a can opener. one day into masterchef america and i am already suffering from a protein deficiency.

today while walking along the train platform on my way back to my room i passed by an old man who smiled at me so brilliantly i was convinced the sun would burst right through his skin and engulf him in fire. there is a shower stall on every floor of this building whose drain does the opposite of allowing things to pass through it. i am one of those people who must rinse their toothbrush both before and after applying toothpaste. life is art, dear reader. life is a spice garden. and we are drowning in it, see, we are in a perpetual state of gasping. it is not easy to make the lungs clap, after all, no easy feat at all to stand tall when trapped between two much taller buildings, when stuck between a vivid spring hallucination and whatever summer promises to be, but we do it all the same. it's what makes us human, i think.

you want a defining trait for this species? it's the stupidity and the stubbornness. who else is so bullheaded, so unrepenant? who else rages against a system designed to contain rage, to file it away in a cabinet for future consideration by masked ghouls and specters cloaked in skin? who else falls in love with love like this, wants like this, yearns for the soft exterior of a half-boiled egg and the ruined gaze of another?

only us. only we possess such a remarkable capacity for hope. and so we continue to dream.

06.01.21