#i wonder if ill hit a point where i dont feel like i need to explain that whenever i post abt her...

[themyscirah]

I love locg stats for MANY reasons but especially bc of the things you can learn abt reading habits. For example I have read more Vanessa Kapetelis issues than NIGHTWING somehow (🫶 as she deserves ofc 🥰 )

[animeshotsh]

You what? | Viktor x Jayce x Kid!Reader | Arcane ¤

Summary: Viktor knows Jayce sometimes does things without thinking, but this? This goes beyond his own limits.

Warnings: Mentions of trauma - Kid!Reader - Viktor and Jayce are a couple - OFF CANON EVENTS - Human traffic - GN Reader - PLATONIC - grammar mistakes -

When Viktor enters on monday morning into the lab with his coffee in hand he expects nothing but silence, after all he is here before Jayce most mornings.

But he stops in his tracks when he hears Jayce's voice, maybe sounding less...well less like him. He sounds like he is talking to a small animal. It reminds him on how he uses to talk to Rio when he was a kid.

Pushing memories aside Viktor retakes his way and goes deeper into the lab, where their experiments are.

And oh, if his illness did not kill him as most doctors had said then this would do it.

Jayce, using one of his experiments showing it to a kid who seems to be as suprised as any kid would be and perphas gives the most honest reactions to his inventions.

But wait, go back.

Jayce and a kid.

His cane hits the floor in suprise and he ends being watched by two pairs of eyes.

Jayce looks like he was discovered breaking some important rule, to which Viktor is centrain that bringing a kid into the lab counts as but he wont say it. And another pair that looks at him with curiosity.

There is silence, no one really knows what to say or how to act. But Jayce ends reacting, leaving the experiment and going to help Viktor with his cane who is feeling a headache coming.

"Hey Vik! long time no see, how's your house?"

Honestly? Viktor wants nothing more than to go back in time and insist that he is fine and does not need rest. Maybe like that he would have stayed with Jayce and prevent...this.

But time travel is something that is still on the making, so back to the main point.

Viktor just gives out the most tired look, then turns to a near chair, sits and taking his coffee simple says "Explain"

Becuase if there is something he has come to learn while dating and loving Jayce is that nothing should suprise him (and yet Jayce still manages to do it) and also, is better to ask upfront than to wait for him to talk up. Viktor can still remember that one time he found a big (illegal no less) plant at his home and Jayce ignored it for two hours till he asked.

"Well you see, its really funny actually..."

"Jayce...."

"Alright..., so I took a walk around campus and saw some...suspicious individuals and well lets say I was not very discrete"

Viktor can just imagine the scene

"And they saw me and ran but I chased after them"

Stupid move Viktor thinks

"And then they trow me this kid at me, i mean what could I have done? So i took them home, gave them a warm meal and a bath" Jayce ends sounding a bit too proud of himself.

"Jayce you...you stole a kid?" Viktor asks because he is confused "And did not report the incident?"

"Uh well i was going too but then (Y/N) started to wonder around so i kind of forgot..."

"(Y/N?" Viktor asks and sees you peeking out from behind the big desk.

"Yes! Thats their name, im not sure about much more, only that they like chocolate and blue stuff"

Viktor ends in silence for various minutes. You must be an orphan he concludes, an orphan from the undercity, who had no other choice but to follow a gang in order to survive. He tries to calculate your age but its hard, you have been not eating well, thats clear, and he can already see some bruises from the misstreatment of the undercity.

Being raised by parents or family its a luxury after all.

"Jayce you cant just take a kid in" Viktor says and his heart almost breaks as he sees you run towards Jayce hugging his legs.

Noted, you may not talk but you understand, its clear you are more intelligent than what you leave to be at first.

Street smart maybe?

"But Viktor! I cant just leave them" Jayce responds picking you up. "If they return to the undercity i dont think they will make it"

Jayce sees how you push your head against his chest and smiles softly at you.

"And we cant leaven them at an orphan home! I have read of these places, they suck"

Viktor must agree, its not like he comes from one but knows well that lots of kids ends being sold off...

"Alright and whats your plan?" Viktor asks "Do you even know what it means to raise a kid, or how? What about me? Were you going to consulte me?"

He can see the pain in Jayce eyes at his last sentence. "Of course I was! I was just thinking of a...well a good moment"

"Because bringing them to the lab was the perfect idea"

"I could not leave them at home! I mean i tried but- they would not let go of my leg, i think they have some type of trauma..."

Viktor takes another deep breath, Jayce kidness and heart knows no limits.

"Besides you did say you wanted to help the peopel from the undercity"

"This is different, we are talking about raising! adopting a kid!"

"So you are considering?" Jayce asks in the most hopeful tone ever.

Viktor just lets out another breath.

"Well, its not like they can go back and yes, orphan homes sucks" Viktor responds. "But we need to do this right. And i mean legally"

Jayce nods and all of him lights up like he has discover a new thing. He goes to Viktor carefully managing (Y/N) by his hands and leans down to peak Viktor's lips.

"Yes!! Totally! I will talk to Mel about it, im sure she can move some contacts for this" Jayce says and Viktor can see his brain making more and more plans.

"They also need clothes, and we should think of getting them into school" Viktor adds standing up with his cane and going closer. He can see (Y/N) eyes and cant denied how it makes his heart melts.

"Dad?" Its what you say looking at Viktor, then you look at Jayce "Mom?"

Jayce smiles and nods while Viktor is left without words. "Yes! We are your mom and dad now" he says pointing at him then at Viktor.

"Family?"

Jayce nods again

"...Chocolate?" You asks once more

"Alright thats all, if they eat too much sugar this place will be a disaster, you do remember we have dangerous things in here, right?"

Jayce nods at Viktor then whispers to you "We will get chocolate once we end work"

Viktor snorts then moves to his desk to finally start working and also to let his mind register everything. He hears the doors closing imagining Jayce went with you to talk to Mel.

But no, he feels a pull at his trousers and looks down at you who looks up at him extending your arms

"Dad! Up!"

Viktor does as told pulling you on his lap and passing you some papper and a pen. Both fall in a comfortable silence.

And Viktor thinks, this is something he can totally get used to.

[prof-peach]

Bit ooc but I have a question. How you do go about planing out your PLA comic? Like how do you actually turn your ideas/ storyline into comic form? Is it chapter to chapter or do you have the whole idea already planned out? Trying to find my own way in comic making so I’m just wondering if you could give any advice. Feel free to ignore if you don’t feel comfortable answering

So, at first this was al i could think to send.

because its incredibly accurate to my process.

Jokes aside, a lot of how i work is back and forth chaos, fighting with ideas until im happy with them. I will start with a list (usually not written down because im unhinged and keep a ot of it in my brain) and organise it in a way that makes sense to the situation, in this case workign with a game with an established plot...not that its a very strong one.

with a set of ideas, and a game to work around i will ramble and rant to a few choice people who i bounce well off, and also stare into space for hours on end building the ideas. This process can be days, it can be years. For context, i have some notes from 2019 about things i wanted to include that are still relevant. I have been scheming how to break and rebuild this OC for ages. Theres no correct time frame, so long as you simply do the work.

Once i have a fairly loose plan, i start to solidify the benning and the end. What is required to make a character compelling, what makes them believable, what makes them human in a way that we recognise. this isnt always a positive thing, people like to call characters who do bad things problematic, but its human nature to make mistakes and be damaged or difficult, the process of the story is not always rainbows and sunshine. For me, this hits even harder, as im trying to tell a story from the perspective of someone fundamentally broken, so showing those breaks and cracks has to be done wisely.

This is the point where i make notes about things that need to change from the start to the end. And ill say one thing, this story in particular, I have not solidly planned the middle. I am allowing space for me to come up with new ideas at points. Being locked into a dead set of ideas can be quite limiting, and as creators we consume and process things constantly to generate new stories. Id be a fool to make a plan and stick to it. everything i do is vague guidelines.

However, I know exactly how the story ends in Hisui, and where it goes to from there. And i think me personally knowing the end goal makes it easier to plot steps towards that, and some of those steps are anything but progressive.

If nothing else, the end was the only thing i saw clearly, and it has only become more complex and loaded and emotional as the rest of this has fallen into place. If you can see the goal, you can work out how to get there with time.

Regarding the chapters, i tend to draft plan up like 3-4 of them at a time, and then go in order to sketch out one after the other, so i have plenty of time to change things while i adjust. its constantly a process of seeing what you make, seeing issues, and scrapping whole parts just to redraw something better or new, unique even. I dont think a single page ive posted has resembled the very VERY first draft thumbnail ive made, and thats just how i do. Every panel, how big they are, the angle you hand the viewer, the way you light things, the expressions, this all dictates SO SO much.

Taking time over it is kind of the job, and let me stress, this is normally a job done by a team, especially the highly popular comics. one inks, one colours, one shades, one handles text, one edits, theres so many people behind it, so dont be bothered by the pace at which things are made if youre working alone like i am. One person means longer production times, if you can, spread the workload out, but its not required. Its why i always say it doesnt matter how long it takes to make, so long as youre still making.

I think its also worth noting, comics are consumed quickly, the bakcgournds and small details can be lost in the ace of the storytelling, pick and choosing your battles is wise, save your time on panels where you want the reader to shift along quicker, keep that pace high, and add in more detail and depth to panels you want to champion or get the viewers to hang around on more. its ok to let go of a "perfect" image in favour of getting content out, if youre being driven nuts by it. Again, time be damned, be happy with it. And if you can let go of petty details, id suggest doing it when possible, so long as it doesnt effect the storytelling.

I mean what else can i even say. This work is a passion project, I love it, more than i can even put into words, and i think you kind of have to, to make comics without monetary motivation. sure you can get lucky and find ways to make it big, but for most of us, its the love of the story. So maybe try not to be your biggest hater, its easy to slip into the behaviour, so try be gentle on yourself and the process. I should take that advice myself haha! but i really do mean it. This is HARD work, so be kind to yourself over it.

anyway, with a rough idea, a bunch of sketches, and time, they get inked and fussed over, i make a billion changes to layout and story, and eventually posting can happen but not after fighting with the monster that is creating. Idk what else i can say. This is not work for the feint of heart, but anyone can learn to do it.

Good luck, comic artists can always use it!

[divinelolita]

i wanna laugh and i wanna laugh rn😪

its been so long(literally a few days) since i sent smthhh

ill boost u bae dw

AHEM

mk so the whole band(um seperate fic duh) with a bf who be freakishly nice n shit(i feel like ivd sent this bf dont expose me if i did) like if a band member accidentally hit him in the face he would say sorry and say some dumb shit like "im so sorry i shouldn't have been in the way of your elbow. " like what💀💀

or if someone was trying to confess or smth he'd be like "i really don't want to hurt you but no." maybe even as a band memeber is right next to them

and arguments with this mf is probably hell like if it was a band members fault he would accidentally make them think it wasn't and it was his(sometimes its on purpose but they figure it out later) OFC these r examples use what u want🧍🏾

BAHSBDKDBDO I CANFT STOP LAUGHING ON THE FIRST ONE

THE BAND X EXTREMELY NICE READER

teehee i have an essay to write but ummmmm that doesn't matter rn 😇 uhh also if it's bad sorry idk what's going on with me

BILL:

・He's so confused how you can be nice all the time

・He really does try to be nice but he just snaps sometimes omg 💀

・He wonders when your breaking point is

・Like if he turns around carrying something and wacks your fucking face he's so confused why you're not YELLING at him

"Yeah and then- *WHACK* -OH SHIT M/N I'M SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY?! -"

"No, no Bill I'm fine! It didn't hurt that much."

"..what."

・He just stares at you with his jaw dropped low, slowly nodding to himself

・Or like if he knocks something over and you apologize for it

(I've done that so many times...)

・Reassures you it's not your problem 🤞

TOM:

・nahh you got him FUCKED UP bae.

・He doesn't understand how you can be so nice, I feel like he's a brutally honest mf 💀

・If your in public and somebody is being rude to you and you're just kinda standing there, still staying calm???

・He's just looking at your features trying to find ONE small piece of anger or frustration

・I feel like y'all are couple opposites.

・Like he'd obviously have a soft spot for you 🤗 but he doesn't see the reason to be nice to others when he knows it's not his fault

・Arguments with him oh my god...

・If you keep apologizing and saying it's your fault he eventually sits next to you to comfort you, assuring you everything's okay.

"It's not your fault, M/N. I promise.."

・You'd somehow warm him up a bit, he barley notices himself becoming more kind and carefree.

GEORG:

・was his color green or blue omg i can't remember

・He's...so confused.

・Like if he accidentally smacks you with his elbow and you aren't crying or cursing

"M/N? M/N ARE YOU-"

"I'm okay! It just stung for a second haha..!"

"..."

"..."

・He gets you but he doesn't.

・He just can't see himself being so giddy and happy and nice.

・Anger turns into confusion in arguments, why are you so mad at yourself?

・Loves you so fucking much though, always reminding you that you are amazing and didn't do anything wrong.

GUSTAV

・AHHHH HE GETS YOU!!!!!

・He understands you so much oh my god, he just loves you even more now.

・He'd also try to keep you from blaming yourself.

・Like if he knocks something over and you apologize.

"Oh shit I'm sorry I should have moved it-"

"No honey you're fine, I should've looked where I was going.."

・MWA MWA HE LOVES YOU

・Very slightly confused on how you never snap, how you always keep calm

・He wishes he could be like you bae 💔💔

・In arguments he just tries to calm himself and you down, actually sitting down and talking about how you both feel

OH SHITTT I NEED TO DO THAT ESSAY

[solifloris]

SOOOOO i said i'd do a live reaction post for caleb's 5* cards.......(+ the cny one) EHFJSMNFBD disorganized as usual and mostly probably will be filled with keysmashes and random thoughts and maybe crying.... THIS IS ONGOING !!! AND WILL BE UPDATED AT RANDOM POINTS HEHE :D need to yap somewhere...

it took me. so much just to. get the courage to go through these cards WJDJWJBFH I'M WEAK OK!!!! I'M WEAK. THEY. TERRIFY ME BC OF WHAT I ALR KNOW FROM THE MAIN STORY AND THE MYTH 😭😭😭😭 it's the burden of knowledge i swear to you .... caleb makes me so damn emotional 😭

THIS IS PART ONE OF UHHH IDK HOW MANY PARTS WE'LL SEE HOW MY IMG LIMIT GOES BUT.

for reference !!!!!! order being : endless summer -> exclusive aftertaste -> hidden waves -> painful signal -> intertwined gold ; based on this post hehe :3

LETS GOOO <3

1; endless summer!!!!!!! :D

omygod..... ohhmygod.... the melancholy the nostalgia the 😭😭😭

OUGH so it's really after the main story 😭😭😭😭😭

"i wonder what caleb is doing now..." she wants to talk to him :( they wanna talk it out :(((( BUT THE DISTANCEEEE THE :(((( HUHUHU

THE HYDRANGEAS :(

omfg bc the way i can see this unfolding like a ghibli movie...

WHY IS THIS SO KIKI'S DELIVERY SERVICE HUHU

OMG CALEB 😭😭😭😭😭

help 😭😭😭 LOWKEY KABEDON??? baby please 😭😭😭

WHFJJWHF THE TENSION THE AWKWARDNESS THE WAY SHE AVERTS HER GAZE

"why are you back in linkon?" THE FIRST THING SHE SAYS WHFJJS i feel you girl i feel you 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"i just happened to be passing by" -caleb ; "i was just passing by" -xavier 😭

OUGH 😭😭😭😭 THIS TUGGED AT MY HEARTSTRINGS IM :((( HNNNN :(((

"i happened to be passing by" SHE SAID IT BACK TO HIMMMMMMMMM

UGH IM GONNA SOB 😭 THE HESITATION IN REACHING OUT TO HER :(( THE WAY HE DOESNT RUFFLE HER HAIR ANYMOREEE UUUUUUUUEEEEEE im huhuhu....

"All my thoughts are focused on him, and the incessant cacophony of cicada chirps adds to my restlessness." / "I wonder what he's been up to while we were away from each other..." <- IM SO. FUCKING SICK TO MYSTOMACHHHHHHH (/POS)

it's so 😭😭😭 gosh im a broken record but my HEART 😭 just 😭

i think what always hits so hard with caleb is that.... all of his happened in the same timeline... their childhood together, the events of chapter 4, the here and now that we're seeing and then all the moments inbetween........... we get to experience all this awkwardness and the distance and the changes in realtime 😭 bc both of them remember their shared history 😭 it's like... "i knew you once..." but it feels more real.......

i think the caleb/mc story really captures the struggle of reuniting with someone from your past after a long time 😭 the feelings are very raw

ANYWAY,

OoOOOOH FY-26!!! AWWWH 😭 THE DIRECT REFERENCE TO ONE OF HIS 4*S HUHU 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

!!!! THE FLASHBACK IMMM SOBBINNNGGGGGF 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 "ILL BRING YOH WITH ME WE'LL FLY WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT" UUUUUUUUEEEE

"and you've gone from being a pilot to colonel now." "It doesn't matter what a person's role is. Everyone has moments where they're not in control." OH MY GOD????? 😭😭😭😭 WHFJWNFBSJ THE IMPLICATIONS BEHIND THIS????? everyone has moments where they're not in control... oh MAN... caleb sweetie baby beloved 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"Our conversation abruptly ends. Once again, our surroundings are engulfed by a quietness accompanied by loud cicada chirps." THEEEE AWKWARDNEESSSSSS 😭😭😭😭😭

LIKE OK. OK;! DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL. JUST

THIS IS A PERSON YOUVE HAD 9284828572885828583 EASYGOING CONVERSATIONS WITH. A PERSON YOU USED TO KNOW BY HEART. A PERSON YOU SPENT MAYBE HALF OR MORE OF YOUR LIFE WITH. AND NOW. NOW YOU CANT EVEN HOLD A CONVERSATION ANYMORE THEY JUST DONT FLOW THAT WELL ANYMORE. YOU CANT LOOK AT EACH OTHER PROPERLY ANYMORE. 😭 JUST THE. THE LOSS OF IT?????? THAT RELATIONSHIP YOU ONCE SHARED WITH THIS PERSON????? IS NO LONGER THE SAME???

DO YOU

THE ATTACHMENT MC MUST FEEL

THE PAIN THAT MC AND CALEB MUST FEEL, BOTH

IT'S NOT THE SAME ANYMORE 😭😭😭😭😭 THAT SHIT HURTS BRO 😭😭😭😭

also a side note i hate cicadas they give me anxiety 😭 i know theyre a sign of summer but ugh i 😭

(but. thats a biased opinion cause. im entomophobic 😭)

ANYWAY,

I CANF DO THIS

whxjanndnHFBWNFBSBBFBSBFBSBBFBSDHSNFBBSBFBSHG

SHES RECALLING SO MANY MEMORIES FROM THEIR PAST 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 JUST. THE FACT THAT. SHE. SHES AROUND CALEB AND ITS ALL SHE CAN THINK ABOUT FHWNNFHW THE SIMILARITY OF THESE MOMENTS BUT THEN SHE COMES TO THE REALIZATJON THAT. AGAIN. THINGS. ARENT. THE. SAMRBGHEJJGBE

THE SODA 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 truly though mc was spoiled with him... he did so much for her always did everything for her would give in to her 😭😭😭😭😭😭 UGHHH IM SICKKKKKK (/pos)

"Kids are always like that... They're brave because of their curiosity. Or they hesitate to try out new things because they're afraid of the unknown." there is something profound in this line. there is something there. BUT MY BRAIN IS MUSH WHFJSJNFBSF

i am so sorry. i read Quirkies as quickies and had to do a double take.

SEE 😭 SEEE 😭 SHE'S REMINISCING AGAIN 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"I finish half the bottle in one swig. The sweetness washes over my tongue and erases the lingering bitterness in my mouth." ITS GIVING ORANGE BY ICHIGO TAKANO 😭😭😭😭 STOP WJFKWJFH THIS MANGA BROKE MY HEART. AND IT. IT HAS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART BUT IT WAS GUT-WRENCHING. AND I CANTNNDJFJTJGJDNFHSJFJJSJFJS LIKE WAIY

SEE LOOK. LOOK. ITS THE SAME RIGHT. LOOK

ok anyway

"i give him the bottle. i always did that whenever we shared food as kids. 'caleb, here...'" "..." <- THE SILENCE?????? SEEEEE SHE REMINISCES AGAIN AND THEN. AND THEN. ITS LIKE THE BOTH REALIZE 'ah, we're doing this again...' or 'ah, it's this again...' WHENGBHENGTHEY KNOW THE CONTEXT IS DIFFERENT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT AND. AND. AND

YOU GET ME RIGHT IM MAKINF SENSE RIGHT

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

wait cause i went back to do the "no" option for the Quirkies and 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"can you pick one for me?" / "why should i be scared? you already gave me something sweet." IM SOBBING????? 😭😭😭😭 it's so "you're all i need anyway" coded..... UGH i love him

OMG TARA??????

CALEB 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

STOOOOPPP 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

if we attach this to the main story and how it ended.... :(

he just automatically assumes "oh yeah, she should hang out with her friends its ok shes probably not gonna want to spend so much time with me right now" LIKE 😭 THE WAY HE OFFERS HER A RIDE? 😭😭😭 THE "I'LL GO BACK TO SKYHAVEN"?????? 😭😭😭😭 MC IS LIKE "you dont have to" AND HE GOES "is it inconvenient for your colleague to meet me" LIKE HE JUST 😭 ASSUMES SHE WANTS TO LEAVE 😭😭😭😭

CALLBACK TO THE SAFE HAVEN AFFINITY 51 CALL 😭😭😭😭 “even if he’s the worst version of all the calebs from then to now, you still want him?” THE DISBELIEF IS HERE AGAIN HE JUST 😭 ASSUMES THE WORST 😭

OGH... he knows he overstepped so much in the main story he knows he hurt her he knows he made her uncomfy... he said he wouldn't bother her anymore and he's keeping that statement to be true bc he thinks itll make her feel better 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HES TRYING SO HARD 😭😭😭 HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE HER HAPPY 😭😭😭 EVEN IF IT MEANS HAVING HIM OUT OF THE PICTURE NOW, DESPITE HOW MUCH HE JUST WANTS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER AGAIN 😭😭😭😭

FUCK IT IDT WE'RE EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE CARD YET BUT IM EMOTIONAL AS FUCK

"i never said i was leaving" and he's so SHOCKED 😭 AND HE 😭 HE SMILES!!! HE SMILESSSS :((( UUUUU HE'S SO HAPPY 😭😭😭😭 HE JUST 😭 HE WANTED A LITTLE BIT OF APPROVAL FROM HER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

IF WHEN WE LEFT OFF ON THE MAIN STORY THEY HAVENT BEEN TALKING... SO HE JUST ASSUMES YEAH SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE AROUND ME... AND NOW!!! NOW HE GETS THIS LITTLE BIT OF RELIEF THAT MAYBE SHE DOESNT HATE ME SO INTENSELY...

"He stoops down to adjust the water flow. When he gets up and meets my gaze again, his expression is noticeably softer." <- SOFTER!!! SOFTERRRR IT'S SOFTERRR 😭 HE'S BEEN SO TENSE BUT NOW!! NOW HE'S SO RELIEVED!!! 😭😭😭😭 HE'S SOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

just. THE FHWKBGHEJF i knowwwwww he feels guilty about how he treated her in the main story 😭 and hes trying to make it up to herrrrr 😭😭😭😭😭

caleb saying TLC was not on my bingo card LMFAO BUT ALRIGHT

"'Every day and every night, I'm surrounded by Skyhaven machines. I rarely get to see stuff like this. Even in my dreams, I sometimes hear the roar of warships and blaring emergency alarms.' The corners of Caleb's mouth subtly tense. His brow furrows for only a moment." oh my poor poor baby 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 the things he must go through there daily... all the work... always busy... and he says this about the things that he sees... after that thing he said? "why should i be scared? you already gave me something sweet." AND THE LINE HE HAS IN THE CAFE WHEN YOU TURN AWAY AND HE TURNS TO YOU..!!!!!! "they say sunflowers always face the sun, i guess it's because trying to find warmth is normal. i'm not an exception to that rule." ITS LIKE :( LIKE HES SAYING :( THE WORLD WITHOUT HER IN SKYHAVEN IS COLD :( AND HE FINDS WARMTH WITH HER :( HERE IN LINKON :(((((

OMYGOD AND THE

DUDE THE LINES IN THIS

IM GOINF INSANE

"She's a regular at the store. She holds my hand and gives me heartfelt words to relay to the owner. Maybe the reluctance to say goodbye to places that hold cherished memories is a feeling all humans have." MC PLEASEEEE 😭😭😭😭

AUGH 😭

so i think. truly. that theyre really just......... :( theyre struggling to move into the present :(

both of them are attached to something of the past... caleb, to how much she used to always depend on hin without qualms... mc, to how he used to be more playful and caring and considerate and warm towards her, and not this cold person who hides things from her and is more forceful about things... just something about both of them craving the relationship they used to have but

BUT THEYRE. THEYRE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE ANYMORE 😭 THEY BOTH GREW UP... BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT SITUATIONS AND DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENTS.... AND THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE THATTTTT

AND MC IS LIKE :( IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE :(

BC SHES SO ATTACHED TO THE IDEA OF THE CALEB FROM BEFORE THAT SHE'S MORE USED TO.... AND SHES LIKE... HES SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HIM MORE BUT IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE ITS HARD TO ACCEPT AND MOVE ON AND SHES 😭😭😭😭😭😭 SHES STRUGGLING WITH THAT!!!😭

I HAVE NO DOUBT ITS THE SAME FOR CALEB'S CASE TOO.....

OH SHIT FUCK KINDLED OMYGODJGHEJF OK OK

OH :( HE ZNNN? :( BUT HE LOOKS SO TENSE :(

OUGH MC NOTICESSSS 😭😭😭😭😭

MY POOR BABY IS HAVING A NIGHTMARE 😭

"don't go" NOOOO CALEBB HUHU 😭😭😭😭😭 OUGHHH HE'S BEEN MASKING SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭 HIS PARTING WITH MC AFFECTED HIN SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭

HIS EYES 😭 THE PUPPY EYES 😭😭😭😭

"don't leave me alone" HES PRACTICALLY BEGGING HER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM SO SICK RN I FEEL SO SICKKKK 😭😭😭😭 (/pos)

?!!?!?

?!?!?!

WAS HE GOING TO KISS HER IM SCREAMINF

???? DID HE THINK HE WAS DREAMING? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"caleb?!" AND THE WAY HE JUMPS LIKE HE REALIZES WHAT HE'S DOING 😭😭😭😭 "sorry. i didn't mean to scare you" AAAUUUGHGHGHGHH 😭😭😭😭😭😭

HES SO CONCERNED

HE DOESN'T

HE DOESNT WANT TO REPEAT THE THING HE DOESNT WANT TO HURT HER AGAIN HE DOESN'T WANT TO SCARE HER OR MAKE HER HATE HIM OR DISLIKE HIM MORE THAN SHE COULD AFTER WHAT HE DID 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

BUT HE WANTS HER SO BADDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

its so practiced.

it's SO practiced.

he's probably learned from a long time ago how to mask 😭 it's morethan practiced it's MASTERED 😭 his expression changes 😭 the puppy eyes go to his usual expression... the maybe slightly exasperated slightly amused kind of eyes—bc he CHANGES THE SUBJECT to the thing supposedly in her eye 😭😭😭😭😭

caleb is so.... you see throughout that he's simultaneously mastered the art of masking but also it slips sometimes... around her... but its so subtle that mc doesnt notice it herself WJDJSJJDJWHFH

THIS THOUGH 😭 like in that one myth kindled....... he schools his expression and talks about something else... it's so practiced...

caleb, please :(

AUGHHH

this scene 😭

THIS SCENE 😭

i justtt 😭😭😭😭😭

the way his hand trembles... the mask falls... his brows are furrowed and he looks at her so intensely and you can see you can FEEL the longing 😭😭😭😭😭

he probably hasnt genuinely touched her like this in forever... not so vulnerably...

THERES A SPACE BETWEEN THEM LIKE HES TRYING HIS BEST TO NOT BE IN HER PERSONAL BUBBLE, HES GIVING HER SPACE TO MOVE AWAY IF SHE WANTS TO, HE'S KEEPING THIS RESPECTFUL DISTANCE THATS JUDT 😭

THE CARESS

THE SILENCE THE WAY THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER THE

UUUUUU

HUHUHU

IM GONNA SOB SO HARD

A BEAT AND HE LOOKS AWAY AND *PULLS* AWAY AND AND AND

MC

YOUCAN SEE HER

DISAPPOINTMENT

HE PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND HER OWN CURLS INTO ITSELF A LITTLE LIKE SHES

SHE DIDNT WANT HIM TO PULL AWAY :( ITS THAT FEELING OF LOSS AGAIN... for a moment they felt close again and then he pulls back and puts the distance BACK 😭😭😭😭

AND THE WAY HE LOOKSSO GUILTY ABOUT GETTING CLOSE :( AUGHHHHHHHHH

SHE CLOSES THE DISTANCE FOR HIM INSTEKFJEHGBE IMM SOBBINGGGG 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

UUUUUUU

HIS EXPRESSION

HES SO

:((((

HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO CRYYY :((((

UGH THE WAY HE PULLS HER BACK 😭 BUT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HE CANT LOOK AT HER 😭😭😭😭

he's so hesitant to be this vulnerable with her? :(

HUHU THEYRE!!!!!!! :((((((((((( THEYRE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR TOGETHER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE REMINISCING...

OUGH MY HEART 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 THEYRE TALKING ABOUT IT... TJE WAY THE MAIN STORY ENDED, THE...

"would you have not come back to see me?"

SHE DOESNT LIKE THE DISTANCE!! 😭 LIKE HOW SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED HE PULLED AWAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭

IM ILL 😭😭😭😭

IM SO

MY HEART

ITS SO

ITS LIKE KTS BEING SQUEEZED

WHAT THE HELL IM TEARING UP RN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

IM. THROWJNF UPPPP

"and so another summer begins" OUGH

IM SICK

I AM ILL

PLEASEJEJFBEH IMFJSJJF OHMYGODDDDDDFDFDDDDDDDDDDD

THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL??? I. I LOVE THIS CARD 😭😭😭😭😭 UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I LOVE THIS MAN WHAT THE HELL 😭😭😭😭😭😭

maybe..this card... i love it almost as much as floral blessing...this is how much it means to me.............

ANYWAY IM POSTING THIS LIKE THIS AND GOING TO BED AND!! WILL CONTINUE FURTHER DOWN THE POST WITH EXCLUSIVE AFTERTASTE... TOMORROW !! :D

[yuukei-yikes]

continuing on that...... haruka/konoba identity crisis angst

im not sure continuing on what but YEAHHHHH WOOOO rather than an identity crisis though.......

i think haruka tries to honor konoha as much as he can by enjoying his life, bc konoha isnt Gone it just took its intended back seat so haruka doesn't wanna bore it or act like konoha doesn't deserve to drive just bc it's a snake. it's just how things are. haruka is the owner of the body. konoha happened to be in there while haruka wasnt, and accidentally gained a mind of its own... so when haruka's really going through it, he cant help wondering what makes one or the other deserve the driver's seat more.

is it time? haruka was born in that body and wore it for 17 years before konoha took it for only 2, so in that aspect haruka wins. is it the amount of people who love them? haruka has maybe 5 (quartet, kenjirou(dead) and his father, if it counts) while konoha has... well, the entire dan. so konoha wins there. so... is it, which one is human? but how's that fair? konoha has proven to have a mind of its own. i mean, it made a wish that clearing was forced to grant (hiyori surviving), what more proof do u need to know konoha is person enough? haruka wonders abt this, i think.

but does it even make sense to wonder about deserving? sometimes it just is what it is. the one who got to keep the driver's seat was pure chance, luck, logic, whatever. it was haruka's wish, everyone got a wish and haruka's was to get his body back, while konoha chose to let hiyori live. everyone made their choices, and this is how things are.

what i like about haruka post str is that He is the face of str, and He represents growing up. i think haruka is the one most at peace with what happened to him, mostly being burdened by the guilt he feels from being thankful for the tragedy, since it allowed him to live. he got something out of it. but i dont think haruka's the kind to dwell on the past, just by the way his personality is entirely but also konoha particularly is a reason why.

like i said haruka doesnt wanna bore konoha. i do love how haruka calls konoha the other me. i think if haruka is upset for too long, feeling guilty for konoha being gone or for feeling thankful for the tragedy bc it allowed him to live, something within him shakes him right out of it like hey... ill cheer up if i go get something reaaaaal yummy to eat. like there's The Horrors. but there's also all the good things in life, and what more does haruka want than life?

what we get from haruka's pov tells us he's realistic, even leaning towards being a total pessimist. haruka is completely cynical towards any kind of comfort towards the end, product of living a life where he clung to hope desperately, be it in the form of friendship or religion, and a father who constantly disregarded the despair and sadness of the situation. because of it haruka is left to cope with himself like... hey it happens to everyone. im just hitting the sack a little earlier than most. that's ok.

that's... optimistic? not really. optimistic is shintaro, who tells him you'll be okay, you have to be. and at that point haruka's driven to complete despair where he is completely certain that there is nothing after death. and he... gets worse than nothing! he gets thrown in the daze!!!!

haruka goes through his worst nightmare already, so... what's left post str??? he already lived through the worst, he already cried and begged and accepted it and went back to begging against it... "it" is death.

so would he be fighting mind demons like shintaro and ayano? he's gonna be freaking out in his own skin like takane?? not really. he's just breathing fresh air because he made it out of hell. and i know so did ayano, but the thing with ayano is that she does everything to herself. while haruka... doesn't? so when he makes it out, it's just. summertime record. a peaceful day under the light blue sky.

i got a little side tracked bc i love haruka's air of maturity post str. he really seems like the one character that's listening to music while everyone else wreaks havoc behind him. so when we bring up konoha i think haruka looks at it through this lense. haruka's like i know konoha is with me, it's a part of me, it's me. and what konoha would reaaaaaally want right now... is eat some grilled chicken skewers!!!!!!!!!

[gaoau]

一 ; one ; uno

it's so cold warnings — none. word count — 4.0k

next.

ive long realized plenty of things i never needed—the past is never behind us, the present is fleeting, the future doesnt exist. theres a wrinkle in the sands of time. theres a fault in the fabric of the universe. there are many flaws everywhere i look. sano manjiro lies dead before me. mikey lies dead before me. blond hair and a dragon tattoo because we both miss ken. black hair that makes him look too much like shin. white hair and dark bags covered in tears. how many times have i seen this already? why have i seen this already? everything is broken. its disastrous and confusing and suffocating. i dont understand what im looking at.

i remember, just seconds ago, i was busy beating up some random guys from a rival gang. theres a reason we rule over the kanto area. we dont back down from a fight. so where did i go? where am i? why am i seeing this now? these are memories of a future i dont have. these are memories of a future i shouldnt have. its enough to drive me insane when i think that this is all i get for being next to mikey. i hold my breath and choke whenever hes around. that intoxicating grace of his, the one that sets him apart from the world, has been flooding my senses for longer than i can take. and i let him, because i want him to be happy. this is all i get; blood, gore, pain, death, loneliness.

i dont want to think about mikey any longer. ive done all i could, it seems. id just like to be free for one moment. i still see it all, futures im not a part of, futures that takemichi has made sure to change.

he wears that godforsaken dragon tattoo like a brand on his neck. long hair hes kept dyed through the years because he doesnt want to cut it off, but he doesnt want me to style it for him. i look at him and i see ken. its torture. the years have gone by, im still by his side, he still has me locked in place. he hasnt smiled in what feels like eons. im okay with that. his smile, that empty, silent smile has always made my stomach ache. im not okay with that. hes a carbon copy of ken. we both miss him, i know. it hurts him more than me, even if im the one staring at a burning ghost all day, every day.

we're alone. im alone with mikey. im all alone when im with him. its cold on top of this building, in the corner of the world, secluded from the city weve conquered. i stretch out my legs, leaning against the wall, squinting at the reflection of led lights bending to hit my eye. mikey is still as small as ever. hes so small despite sitting on his throne like this. the gun i hold weighs on my hand. neither of us know how to properly handle guns. weve been drowning in this business for over a decade, but we're very clearly still children.

the safety clicks as i press the barrel under my jaw. "itd be so easy, dont you think?" the sound of my voice calls to him. its the only familiar sound in his life. its why ive been staying with him. i couldnt save him, but at least he still clings onto me like this. hes had me trapped for so long that i seem to have forgotten i was ever my own person.

his darkened eyes shift towards me so slowly. i see his face twist into a panicked frown. "whatre you doing?" he doesnt move from where hes sitting against the wall adjacent to mine. he reaches with his foot to tap my knee. stop, hes trying to say, dont even think about it. hes scared, i can tell. ive learned to read him like the open book he is. his light has grown dimmer through the years. hes angry, i can tell. hes wondering if ill leave him, too.

"nothing," i sigh. i lower the gun and leave it on my lap for a second. "m just thinking…" and i think. yes, i think. i know i cant leave him. he doesnt let me. he keeps me tied down to him. a chuckle falls, sardonic. i point the gun at him. "i cant die before you, mikey." ive promised. ive sworn to stay by his side until the bitter end—until his bitter end.

he doesnt bat an eye. "are you gonna kill me?" its funny how he doesnt care that im the one wholl be killing him. im just making my job easier for myself. i wonder what kind of face kisaki will make when he finds out what ive done.

"do you want me to?" i know he does. tonight ill see we find peace, manjiro. im the only one who he can lean on now.

hes quiet for a second. his eyes are like black holes as they swallow up all the light. he stares straight at me without expression. then, in a whisper, he begs, "…please." he doesnt say my name. no, he hasnt said my name more than once in our lives. he calls me by that stupid nickname he made up when we were hanging out at grandpas dojo.

i cant help the soft simper pulling at my lips. hes still the same mikey i know. he still struggles with asking for help, even if its me. but he still asks; hes still vulnerable in front of me. i pat my lap, legs stretched out just for him. "come here, then," i invite him closer, ready to welcome him with open arms, "rest your head for a bit." rest before you leave.

he doesnt hesitate. he never hesitates. in a swift movement, the back of his head collapses onto me. his eyes, the ones hes kept me trapped in for all my life, they dance around the vast expanse of midnight above us. "the stars are lovely today." stars i once promised to drag down to his feet if he asked. stars i swore wed always watch together.

i hum in agreement. "thats why we're here." everyone knows that stars only come out at night. we both know we're the two brightest burning stars in the world. we sit here, where people can see us burn and consume ourselves until we get crushed. "itll be over soon, i promise." the same way i promised him forever. ill hold him until the moment he dies. 

"thanks." ah, now he chooses to use my actual name. he can be so unfair. he could save a life, but he decided to take mine away instead. under his charm, i let him drag me down. we die hand in hand.

there are no tears; not from me, not from him. it seems weve both been waiting for the other to make the first move. hes so tired and so am i. with a singed throat, the words sting on my tongue as i remind him, "i love you, manjiro." theres no other feeling in the world like loving sano manjiro. i look into his darkened gaze and deny the truth staring back at me. its all a mess, scraping away at my mind. my love and hate look quite alike.

i can hardly tell light from dark or right from wrong anymore. mikey replies, "i love you." again, he dares not say my name. i hate him. he makes me go weak at the knees, even as i slump against the wall. i wonder if its him or the cross im bearing on my back, weighing me down.

mikey closes his eyes. he wants to let go. hes letting me go. its been years and hes finally letting me go. the wind howls and screams our names in my ears as i press the barrel of my gun to his forehead. we're stars; we'll burn, we'll rest, we'll disappear. we go down together. i shoot. his body relaxes against my legs. i feel the warmth of his blood seeping through my clothes. hes free. the gentle quirk of his lips tells me hes happy hes dead. maybe im just making it up. maybe i just want to believe ive done something.

i lift my head to the sky. the gun is warm against my skin. my pulse doesnt tremble when i pull the trigger.

im free.

but we arent free. i walk into his room to find mikey slumped against a corner. hes here again, a ghost of ken. how come his eyes grow darker every time i look? i scratch away an itch on the underside of my jaw, clearing my throat to let him know im here, it's me. he doesnt bother lifting his head for me. i stand right in front of him, bare feet centimeters away from his crossed legs. ive heard what hes done. he didnt check in with me before killing our friends. if takashi dies, then i stay. if pah dies, then i stay. ken and kei died, so i stay. he knows ill follow him to hell.

it hurts me, too. he cant let go of me and hes bruising my wrists. i want him to be happy. i want him to be free. i want to be free. "takashi, pah, peh, chifuyu." the list rings with poison in both of our ears. how did we get here?

"takemicchi got away," he mumbles. i highly doubt takemichi matters much right now. we stopped trusting him long ago. he changed after bloody halloween and mikey couldnt understand why.

i crouch to try and meet his eyes. charming, deadly works of art. viral. it's been years, but he still holds me in his gaze. "never woulda guessed chifuyu was working with tora. after killing kei, i thought for sure he wouldnt forgive him." theres no sugarcoating needed. i dont censor my words. his wounds are fresh and i keep digging my fingers into his flesh to make them deeper. i make all his mistakes real for him because he wants to be scolded. he cant ask for sympathy—he only asks for cruelty.

theres a pause. a silence that hangs. it's heavy, stagnant. it pulls at the seams. "kazutora needs to go, too."

my knees come in contact with the floor as i lean towards mikey. i wrap my arms around his head, cradling him to my chest. hes still warm. he rests his forehead against me. "theres no time, mikey. you cant do this any longer." youre falling apart, manjiro. i pull my gun from its holster, cocking it as i bury it in his hair.

"set me free." he pronounces that stupid nickname, chaos of my real name. i cant discern if hes begging or ordering me.

i hum softly. he put his trust in me. "i love you." he nods. the gunshot echoes in the quiet room. it rings in my ears. i see splatters of mikeys blood on the wall. i feel his body relax in my arms. with the barrel against my temple, i shoot myself free.

a headache splits my skull apart as i watch this unwind. have i seen this before? no, mikeys hair is pitch black. im glad he doesn't let it fall over his forehead. i don't think i could bear to look at shin so much. i was adamant to cut it for him when he asked. the list is the same, though much longer. takashi, pah, peh, chifuyu, tora, the twins, hakkai, even ken. hes talking with takemichi now. it's easy to tell what mikey wants from him. im no good in this future. i don't have what takemichi has.

there is nothing left here for us. i wait among the shadows and debris, listening to mikey confess all his crimes. he veered down the wrong path. ive kept by his side all this time, holding him at his most vulnerable, but im not a savior. takemichi can save him in a way i can't. all ive done so far is push back the inevitable. mikey falls victim to his dark impulses every time. who am i to stop him? he keeps the safety of his gun on; i don't. i can save myself.

"kill me," he says. i feel like ive heard that before. it's not directed at me, though. i won't stop him. all mikey wants is to die and be free. that's what i want, too.

takemichi is, understandably, confused. he doesn't get it. maybe that's why mikey has chosen him. takemichi tries to figure out what mikeys trying to tell him. he asks about the friends hes murdered. it must be frightening for him to hear his former commander speak so nonchalantly about setting hakkai on fire. he asks about me. mikey glances at where im hidden. i catch the look in his eyes. those eyes that had me wrapped around his finger when he so intensely stared into my soul. they quiver.

hes helpless. hes scared. hes tired. hes horrified. he doesn't know what to do. he pounces on takemichi and threatens him. then a gunshot rings. it's not mikeys, it's not takemichis. and it's certainly not mine. mikey is dead. mikey is free. i swore to him that i would see him to his end. we die hand in hand, don't we, manjiro?

tachibana naoto, hinas little brother shot him. i remember her mentioning him to me once. ironic how hes the one to kill mikey, of all people. as takemichi cradles mikeys dead body in his arms, i step out of my waiting spot. it alerts both men instantly. naoto is wary of my presence, but takemichi believes in hope. he exclaims my name with enthusiasm. perhaps he thought mikey had killed me as well when he didn't answer. as if mikey would ever let me go.

"im just here to pick him up," i let them know i mean no harm.

naoto is a cautious man, if anything. "takemichi-kun, get behind me." id never do anything to hurt takemichi. he doesn't need to be worried about me.

i kneel before takemichi, extending my arms out. i remove mikeys burdens from his chest to take him away with me so we can both find peace. his blood smears on my clothes and i know takemichi will have a hard time forgetting this sight. mikey doesn't weigh much. it's painful knowledge.

as i haul mikey away, takemichi calls, "wait!"

there's nothing left to say, though. mikey has confessed all his crimes. mikey has confessed all his pains. "it's over, takemichi." i can't bring myself to curse him with that stupid nickname after all these years. "it's finally over." we're finally free. welcome home, manjiro. i wonder, if i smiled, would it hurt him? it'd be genuine happiness, but it's not like he'd be able to read that, so i don't. mikeys body is cold and stiff against mine. i let him rest against me, eyes closed and dried tears on his cheeks. he hasn't cried in so long. he leans his head on my shoulder. he always does this when he lets his vulnerability show. "i love you, manjiro," i remind him. hes all i have. i press my gun to the roof of my mouth. i don't get to taste it.

it's never over. my tongue feels dry when i chew on it out of anxiety. ive heard three shots. i see haru waiting behind a corner as mikey finishes his business. i didn't even glance at takemichi before i decided i couldn't do this. i wonder how much longer it'll take mikey to come up here and join me. this is the tokyo we conquered; this is not the dream mikey had. if he'd had a better moral compass, if he hadn't let ken go, if he hadn't put his trust in me, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

i hear footsteps behind me. here he is. i hug one of my legs to my chest, the other one dangling off the edge. we're on top of the world. it's a long way back home from up on this rooftop. he stands next to me in complete silence. so he's left takemichi to die. he was hopeless and helpless until the very end. i can't blame him. he's been through so much. he doesn't know how to share. he takes on all of the pain. he can only ask to be punished, because aid isn't a word in his vocabulary.

mikey pipes up, "you've been waiting for me here?" it doesn't surprise him at all. i know him like the back of my hand. this is how he takes responsibility for the last decade of misfortunes. he'll end it all.

"i couldn't bare to watch you keep making these mistakes," i reply truthfully. ive seen this before. i glance up at him and he glances down at the street. don't look down, manjiro. you won't survive this trip to hell.

it sounds like he wants to laugh. he doesn't. instead he brings back a conversation we had when we were fourteen. "that's why you're better than me." hardly. he says that stupid nickname clinging to me like a curse.

"after you." i motion towards his kingdom, to the path covered in blood and snow.

mikey looks at me briefly, quiet. then he cranes his neck up at the sky. "you won't stop me?" i see the tattoo on his nape. he put it there so he wouldn't have to look at it. it burns on his skin as it burns on my shoulder blade.

"i can't." i don't have the rights to stop him. i didn't do it in other timelines, im not going to start now. this is the only way for us to be free. it's tragic how unfortunate we are. maybe we deserve it.

how does one normally respond to a friend committing suicide? how does one respond to a friend letting them commit suicide? it's not what mikey does when he hums. "i'll see you later." he disappears into his own mind. whose face is he seeing? shins? emmas? i would hope. "everyone, let's do this!" there's a grin on his face. ive missed it. he hops off the roof and away from me.

"ill see you later."

i hear haru screaming all the way from the street. he's distressed. he's been with manjiro just as long as i have. mikey trapped him the same way he trapped me, but somehow worse. i know im not free as long as i stay next to mikey. i stay out of love and selfishness. haru stays out of fear and obsession. i know im not free, but im still my own person.

and i don't fool myself.

mikeys falling to his death, peaceful. an arm shoots out from the building and latches onto him. i smile bitterly, a sigh tumbling from my lips. "sucks that death is a bit of a bitch for both of us." i want to jump, too. i stick to my perch and swallow my pride, because im my own person, but im not. i can't die before mikey, i can't leave him alone.

i see the tears pouring out of his eyes. he begs for help, finally, for the first time in his life. it's enough to make me cry, too. he's being weak for the whole world to watch him burn himself to oblivion. takemichi scolds him. he struggles to hold on when the cross he's bearing weighs him down. twelve years of pain make him slip from his saviors grasp. there's nothing i can do.

blond hair and passive, ken's tattoo, black hair and chaos, izana's earrings. reality is broken for me, pieces of different timelines scattered on the floor. i have all these memories that aren't mine. mikey lies dead before me in a billion angles no one else can see. i don't understand why im seeing this now. i know ive seen it before. it's been two years since i last had to suffer through this. time is shattered and it hurts.

i hear that nickname ring in my ears. when i blink, mikey's corpses are gone. there's a weight in my hand and it's not from a gun. im gripping an unconscious boy by the collar. my knuckles sting. the skin of my hands is split open, bleeding. i remember now. we were wiping out a rival gang that challenged us. i turn towards mikey, trying to blink him into focus. "sorry, what'd you say?"

he stares back at me with hollow eyes. there's a tiny furrow in his brow that others wouldn't be able to pinpoint. "let's go," he repeats, nodding his head for me to follow him. i see haru and koko waiting for us behind him. they both look away when i catch their gazes.

"oh, yeah." i clear my throat. the kid im holding slips from my fingers and crumbles on the floor. his head bounces when it hits the ground. next to the blood splattered on the dirt, a tear drops. i realize it's mine instantly. im crying. i wipe at my eyes with my sleeve to pretend nobody saw me. i don't think i can explain what's made me cry like this in the middle of a fight. there's a discomfort in my throat, and remnants of a headache pulse in my temples, and the roof of my mouth itches. im still crying. the tears fall, but i feel nothing. this anguish isn't mine to feel.

i cough into my fist as i walk to stand next to mikey so we can head back. there's an open gash on his leg that he's ignoring. what's a little wound to the invincible mikey, after all? i know nobody is invincible, let alone manjiro, because i know people die, because ive killed him with my own two hands. ill take care of it for him later; mikey is my responsibility. he waits for me to join him. my shoulder brushes against his. he glares at my tears so intensely. "are you okay?" he asks quietly, like he doesn't want the two boys ahead of us to hear.

i turn my head to find his eyes. it's like he's trying to bring all my deceit to light, like im not allowed to hold secrets. i see those black holes that swallow up his own deceit. all i see, rather than the mikey right in front of me, is his corpses in variety, because i killed him, because i let him die, because that's what he wanted and that's the only way he could be free. so i clear my throat again, "yeah, just got dizzy." he knows it's a lie, instantly. my voice doesn't waver when i lie, but it gets small. he knows.

he lets silence hang for a moment. "did you eat today?"

i shake my head. "i was waiting for you." my attention flutters back to the two boys a few paces ahead. they're awfully quiet.

so is mikey. i feel him still staring at me. "okay." and he looks away, too.

[dykeseesgod]

what well its just that you havent spoken to me in years except to call me a faggot or to dislocate my shoulder and you know what else is missing besides an attentive listener a segue i suppose forgive my bluntness please dont hit me but i could giv two shits about you or your vacant mind or your morbid curiosities or your dead fucking dog so why dont you just leave i never dislocated your shoulder according to my doctor you did in shop class last spring you twisted my arm behind my back and said you wouldnt let go until i said and i quote i like to get it up the ass i was just playing around with you oh that makes me feel so much better you know through my screams and the searing pain i can definely recall hearing laughter any way i can contribute to the fun of the group we were just messing around with you fuck you cb id rather you say we beat the shit out of you because we cant stand you rather than youre just messing with me that implies light teasing or slightly oproprious behavior i havent eaten in the cafeteria in 2 years for fear of going home with some part of it smeared across my shirt i havent been to the bathroom on campus since my head got slammed into a wall i believe you were there i didnt do that well you didnt stop it either and the faculty doesnt care you know what im tired of hearing they only pick on you because of your own insecurities aw jeez mrs blank now that you said that my head doesnt hurt so much and people wonder why kids bring guns to school to shoot you fuckers down maybe youre not the bully but you stand idly by and watch and to me thats even worse so please just go youre being hostile and im just trying to have a conversation with you like a civilized i dont want to talk to you i just want to be left alone i dont need social pointers i just want an apology for the five minutes youve stolen from my day see this is why you dont have friends i think we both know why i dont have any friends oh dont be so melodramatic youre in here crying about a dead dog and im being melodramatic shut the fuck up about my dog ok or what youll hit me go ahead ill show you how people get hurt and dont run away to cry like a big fucking baby whats so funny asshole im sorry nothing i dont see anything to laugh at its nothing its just that i was scared of you for like a second im sorry no its ok i deserved it promise me you wont bring a gun to school i dont even know where id get one you were one of my best friends you all were i just dont get it can i be honest if its any consolation none of us knew what to say to you after your dad got arrested it was pretty awkward it was more awkward for me im sorry we werent there for you that means a lot see now youre being sarcastic again no i wasnt its hard to tell with you truce i wasnt fighting a war but sure truce are you i dont know ive never had sex so kinda hard to tell at this point what about my dad im not sure thats considered sex you remember how my dog used to howl when you played the piano yeah i always found it pretty annoying he was singing along what do you think happens to animals when they die they go to heaven you believe in heaven sure there has to be some reward for living through all this and you think there are animals there in heaven the wolf will live with the lamb the lion will lie down with the goat and the calf the lion and the yearling together and a child will lead them the cow will feed with the bear their young will lie down together and the lion will eat straw like the ox the infant will play near the hole of the cobra and the child will put his hand into the vipers nest but my dog killed a living thing wouldnt god be mad he was sick cb he couldnt help it you know they say a dog sees god in his master and a cat looks in the mirror i hate cats me too

[wild-forest-bee]

I feel the need to make a vent post. idk if anyone will see it, but telling ppl in my life just feels like blaming them, so feel free to interact

I've been homeless for 4 years now. no problem there per se. but without the duties of school and work, im left to decide for myself. Im (thankfully) not american so working while being in school was not so common, but i never got a cent in allowance so it was worth it at first.

they say to properly heal from burnout you need way longer than what time you have. im still trying to stop faking it and start making it. being a 19yo burnout is all fine and edgy until youre 22 unemployed homeless and without any degree and you still feel like doing two (2) tasks a day is a lot. i feel like i got the perfect depression-adhd cocktail where if i dont do what i want all day every day i might start killing ppl, but if i do i might as well be a rotting log in the forest

i have the chance to get top surgery but i feel my depression making me fumble it. "who cares what you look like. without your tits youre just fat. no point in changing anything" I also know for a fact that it wont make me less depressed but it makes me anxious to think that, if i let it pass, ill have to jump through the hoops again to get where i am now.

im just in so much pain every day from walking, sometimes just sitting. when i lay down, its my shoulders. probably something to do with joints. i also got scabies from some irresponsible guests, so i havent touched skin in over a month now and i feel my grip on my feelings slipping. not being allowed to touch my partner is putting a strain in our relationship and general wellbeing. as a countermeasure, I also have to be very careful about textiles, wich sucks because most of my hobbies revolve around fabric.

i just feel like living death.

either no appetite or binge eating, either way tummy pain. cant deal with groups but feeling lonely. body feeling worse every day. everything around me seems to get more complicated every day. i always tried to seem open and welcoming but i feel forgotten

at least i quit smoking weed last winter. they say the best time to quit was 20 years ago and my asthma is probably happy abt it but... bye bye sleeping routine

even as i write this post i couldnt be sleeping because i have to hit the wall (/lit) every time i hear the rats biting at my caravan or else theyll get in and start eating my food and shitting on my pillow (yay skin care!!) who wants pets when you have [INTRUDER ALERT]

ill have to look at the hole in the morning, but working inside a metal box during the day in 35°+ weather is not appealing. also have to cut the bushes so i dont have to suffer a thousand nettle stings, also cook and eat something and maybe I'll have the energy to shower like i wanted to since last week

if you get down here and wonder if i have a gofundme or smth give it to a palestinian and talk with me instead

[localgardenweed]

Ok I was originally gonna write how I wanna go back to Eddsworld and do stuff for it again but felt out of the loop with the modern fandom and shit but ended up being a rant about how I hate Beyond so like gonna write this again but keeping part of the rant cause i need to share how much i cant stand Beyond again

So like I wanna come back to Eddsworld cause as much as it was a dumpster fire for me it was my first real fandom I was apart of online so it holds a place in my heart. I mean probably technically whatever I did on Framecast was my first ever online fandom space but shhhh that dont count i was but a wondering traveler looking for my place in the world. It actually got me into Eddsworld someone made a animation to Youth by Daughter and had me hooked. But still was very important to me and my art development.

Its so crazy to me cause i was into Eddsworld HARD in the 2016-2020 era where alot of the ig modern fandom was born i watched cities fall and crumble I was deep in the amino trenches, Pork Sodaing and seeing so much historical fandom events happen before your eyes. I was watching everyone consume every piece of Prince of Mints and Moho art I was a sucker for them which probably wasn’t okay for like a 5th grader but i definitely turned out all right /j.

I left for a little bit on and off cause Hetalia was choking me and like keeping me prisoner but like it still had a place in my heart for it but like ya know i still was there but idk now I just dont find the same spark anymore from the first go around. Something changed and maybe cause i just had my tastes change and maybe cause my ex-best friend was making fun of my oc all the time but i made him when i was like 11 and figuring out identities and ways to express yourself without sticking to the gender norms and dealing with alot of stuff at the time i finally caved and just didn’t feel the same any anymore about the show.

Cause I loved that fandom more than anything but, I don’t know I just don’t know how to get back that spark and go frolic in the fields with my TomTordOc love triangle of my 5th grader dreams and just be cringe and free and feel joy again but I just cant enjoy the material anymore like THEY ARE MASSACRING MY BOYS WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO THEMM

It doesn’t hit the same and i know i dont need to consume Beyond i doubt anyone actually does at this point but i cant stand beside while they murder everything i loved about the Classic and Legacy eras.

Also just, I think I hit a road block with it too like, I got stuck on where to do and what to do with Eddsworld like. I make aus i made ocs i made a ask blog i made animatics, now what? And like idk i felt weird and like stuck in the mud with them. Also just had the friend falling out who was also the co-creator of the ask blog so now i dont know how to pick it back up all by myself again but them again i really was just doing it by myself all the time anyway so i just have to figure out how to get back into the swing of things

I have some ideas for aus and maybe just finally be free and bring my oc back from the grave for realsies and make you all consume it but, I don’t know. Im scared to come back cause also weirdly alot of the new fans are younger than me or the older fans are older than me so its kinda awkward, also im just awkward im scared to talk to people online, there is and were some people i desperately wanted to be friends with both in and out of Eddsworld but im too scared and either just watch from afar or abuse the Anonymous function in ask boxes. 

If i cave enough i might come back to Eddsworld to at least finish my lore for the ask blog cause IM SORRY I LEFT YALL HANGING I HAD SCHOOL AND THEN JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT but forever haunted by the people who like every single post and then i get excited cause i see like 99+ notes waiting for me and i think one of my new posts blew up but no its just the ew boys who screw around likes and reblog and the occasional comment

One day ill return to my rightful birthplace and one day I shall be free and one with nature and draw as much as I want for it and as many ocs i want without someone telling me its cringe or make more for the ask blog or hell start doing animation and animatics again

Ok here is the Beyond rant now if you wanna read it

I feel the difference between Beyond and Legacy is that, Beyond is trying to horriblycopy their older brothers Classic and Legacy and almost dumb it down a bit with more childish humor, and Legacy takes inspiration from Classic: It’s different but a natural difference/evolution. Or the fact a whole new guy was writing it all with a slightly different style so he wrote what he knew idk maybe a bit of a factor idk

Also i cant stand the Tord bait sorry I cant, especially when they used to like get annoyed by the fandom by asking and then just realized he was a cash cow so like now we get Tord merch and the hints and Tori and the skit with the cavemen like OMG TORD- and he got crushed by a rock thanks gang, cause like dude I think as much as we love Tord like maybe this go around respect Larson’s choice to like not use him in the series anymore and take him out but like ig that doesn’t apply to merch so yeah lets do one more go around bring out the red one. Or idk maybe they contacted him and was like “yo dude can we like use him for merch” but i dont think that happened. I think it was just better to leave him absent from the show and be like “yeah no Tord guys, no Tord” and we could have all had our thumbs up and be like “Ok Eddsworld Beyond we are okay with that”. Like I know Red October was for charity but idk it still felt weird to use Tord, like could this really not have just been the main 3 or like bring in some deep cut old characters or side characters did we really need Tord here.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back

so, ive looked into it a little but i couldnt find any information online about whether my uni could offer free counselling/support when i get there, so its something i think ill just have to ask about once i actually get there.

which... is in three days. i move out on wednesday 11th, and its absolutely terrifying how soon that is. i feel so underprepared and i hate feeling like that because im the type of person to have multiple backup plans, i always check ahead of time about everything, i was that kid who used to make sure they knew everything they needed to if they got in a car accident or whatever. i was *prepared*, and now suddenly im moving out in three days and havent a clue what im doing.

its also so overwhelming trying to do anything. ive tried making lists to help but even that isnt working, and im so afraid i wont be prepared to go. i dont understand how anyone can be okay with anything anymore. i honestly cant believe i ever wished so badly to be an adult because its the most stressful, frustrating, and terrifying thing ever — and ive not even hit the tip of the iceberg yet, im well aware.

so far ive packed dry foods i bought beforehand (because ive no fucking clue where the food shops are where im moving, or how far they will be, or how easy itll be to trnasport shopping etc, so i figured it would be easier to bring anything i could so that id be set for a day or two at least), and thats about it. i cant pack clothes until the day before, and i cant pack toiletries until just before since ill still be using them, and im not packing all the stuff i bought in earlier asks (bedding, towels etc) until im packing clothes, because right now *theyre* all in my suitcase and theres no point taking them out and taking up more space with them until the clothes need to go in instead. i need to pack my plates and cups and such but i dont have any boxes and my father was supposed to get me some but hes done fuck all this past week and its really stressing me out.

is moving always this stressful or am i just overthinking everything? i feel like i never feel correctly about anything in life (ive had severe anxiety for longer than i can remember which really doesnt help) so i cant tell if im just being dramatic about it or if its actually normal to be so stressed about something that everyone does. would it be easier or more difficult without my mother's diagnosis? i dont know that she'd have helped much anyway, honestly, but still i cant help wondering. do people in normal families find it this difficult or is it calmer?

Hi!!!

Well by the time you read this you'll have moved!

Honestly, there's no real way to be completely prepared. You're gonna forget something, something will go wrong, and part of adulthood is just knowing that things go wrong and it's okay. It'll be okay, and you can figure it out, I promise.

Would it be easier if things were normal? Probably. But moving is still stressful no matter what. I promise you, everyone is stressed about this, and everyone is going to forget something and make mistakes. The most important thing is to find people to rely on, so when you make a mistake, you have people to help, you know? Adulthood is really just calling someone up and saying "I fucked up" and then as soon as you figure it out, someone calls you and says the same.

It'll be okay <3 I'm sending so much love.

[cloudd-nyne]

(I swear i saw a tumblr post with a similar sentiment, but cant for the life of me find it, so hey op of that post if you see this, i feel you.)

I am. So tired of being called "Strong".

Please don't get me wrong; this isn't a callout or meant to put down anyone whos ever said this. I know it's almost always meant to uplift and empower someone when they're down, and for so many it does!

But im tired of it. Im tired of my supposed strength being a defining feature of me. Im tired of being told im so strong, and I must keep fighting.

There are so many times i feel like that strength is just a reason for no one to truly care, or try.

"Strength" is so so often something that I used by others, and never benefits the one who has it.

And maybe thats selfish of me to say, but I've hit a point where I just. I don't want it. I don't want to be strong anymore.

I crave what it feels like to truly be weak, and be cared for like I am.

Needing help, needing to be protected, unable to fight for yourself. Those are all things I've fought to defend. Everyone is weak sometimes. Expect i guess for the labeled "strong" people.

That label feels a bit like a curse. Strong means you dont get help. You don't get protection. You have to do it all by yourself. Because you're strong. Do it for them, because you're so strong. Do it for yourself because you're strong.

And maybe I'm selfish, but I can't help but wonder how much happier my life would be if i wasn't always trying to be strong for someone. If, for just a little bit, i was allowed to be weak.

Like yeah. Ill be strong. Not because I want to be, but because someone has to.

And I don't think i like it very much.

[monsterqueers]

I'm realizing I might not be as human as originally thought... I'm not sure where to start exploring this... you're the only blog I follow who posts about nonhuman stuff so I was wondering if you can help point me in a direction? Thank u

Hi!

So first Im gonna point you to our site's archive of various websites on the topic here: https://dragonsroost.neocities.org/nonhuman

Theres a bunch of websites to get lost in over there and a bunch of essays as well. We have some of our own works on the site too, just poke around.

Ill also recommend this: https://shadowfae.tumblr.com/post/185101209056/hi-im-pretty-sure-im-kin-but-i-have-doubts-and as something that might be useful.

All and all though, Awakening is something that everyone takes their own paths to and has different explanations for.

Your path is going to be unique to you.

Personally we would recommend looking at your nonhuman feelings and asking yourself what you feel like. What is your conception of self? Do you experience the feeling of having limbs you dont actually (both 'minds eye' and actual sensory feedback)? Do you have strong instincts that feel not standard human?

Narrow what you are down from there, and worry about a community label or mythos for why you are like that later.

For narrowing things down- hit the books. Sometimes this is easy, you feel like a cat and identify as a catperson and feel uncomfortable not having a cat body, its pretty clear you are a cat. No research necessary.

Other times it can be harder. This is where journaling comes into play. Its not that bad to do really- or, it doesnt have to be.

Just jot important things down that feel related to your sense of self, feeling like you want to have or do have in your minds eye certain nonhuman traits, feeling distressed with certain parts of being physically human, instincts you have to do certain odd things, animals that make you feel home (or hungry or scared), odd dreams centered around being nonhuman, feelings of de ja vu. Doesnt have to be daily, doesnt have to be fancy or detailed.

A note on your phone you add stuff to whenever it occurs to you is just fine, no need to have a mandatory daily journal detailing everything including all your dreams or anything.

Look up things that seem similar- including real plants and animals(both living and extinct), mythic entities, and fictional nonhuman entities. Research research research.

Its ok to be mistaken, or take a long time to figure it out. Many nonhumans have a long journey to discovery with many false alarms. Its also ok for your nonhuman feelings to change over time, or fade away all together. Take things as it comes and identify how it feels right- thats the most important thing.

Remember- like being trans, gay, or plural, people who arent those things or something adjacent dont spend a long time agonizing over it. If you feel nonhuman, you probably are somehow.

As for community stuff...

The community has a lot to it. When you figure out whats going on with you, then you figure out what part of the community you feel most comfortable in and labeling yourself with. Otherkin, therian, transspecies, general nonhuman, alterhuman, there are so many labels floating around and each of them have their own history, culture, and connotations.

Just maybe lurk a bit reading to get an idea of the manners and culture before you jump in. It really helps. Also feel free to lurk while you are figuring things out.

Hope this helped anon! Good luck on your journey!

[basilfang]

Secret messages from time travellers and the latest technicians do not know the key, but that's okay, a good technician comes with their modern education, informed by archaic knowledge. It never really is linear, is it, time travel. The technicians can only experience in one direction, looking back. Even if they're looking forward. %

I'd say don't read if you can't deal with hearing about imaginary people talk about killing themselves.

'A_ E_c_u_t_r_d _t_a_g_r'

a fire and calamari and ice-cream and chips and a black pepper allergy

Don't worry, I'm much better at being well, or at least I come off as more well than I am. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be unwell in public. That's fair enough, if I saw someone try to kill themselves I wouldn't try to stop them because it's their right, I mean I would I absolutely would but because it's me, I'm talking about me, no one really did. Well. They did, when I got so ill I ran off to Newcastle upon Tyne and they were really nice and got sad when they heard me gleefully tell them full metal psychosis that I need to kill myself and Bristol NHS was fine and in fact one NHS doctor did tell me very much nearly his exact words if you want to kill yourself do it at home, not here. **************;*;*;*;*;;;";";"!!"!'!!!'!'?"?""!!*;*;;*;*;";;";;

I guess if people get to know me, 'yeah if he said he's gonna kill himself I'd let him, he's not really someone we want around.' and strangers: you must go to a&e! You must get help! There is help!

I guess he was right. I really must've been doing all this for attention. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear I've killed myself. I mean, he's my dad, I'm sure there's some biological mechanism where he'd feel something. But Id like to imagine if I killed myself it would make him feel guilty. I'd love to do it just to spite him. But then again, he'd not really care at all. Why would he. I'm me. Why would anyone.

Walking on the beach, phone call, cave, I was never there, the grey wet sand was still crunching under my soles. The sea was cold and foamy and it was quiet and she had her eyes closed.

Truly I'm fine. If I wasn't fine, you'd be able to tell. I would not be talking about killing myself, I would be planning it and doing it quietly. And then I would try to kill myself without telling anyone because clearly by that point I'm not well enough to keep with the program, the program of not killing myself. I do just hope if I become that unwell again, quietly negative unwell very, not this moderate maybe I get hit by a car because I'm so 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 that the friends who are still here and my family who are still here and close and I haven't ruined everything again that they'd notice I stop planning and I stop being me and maybe they'd go hey I would be sad if he killed himself, why dont I ask if he's okay, because if he did I would be a tiny bit sad. But to be fair maybe I would have ruined everything by then and all the good people have had to back away the ones who love bigly and deeply and

Night garden factory reset time

Smiling friends season? episode?

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[blast from the past, he still looks the same

a nod and in the other direction and

(in China, you show respect and honour by bowing. it was cultural whiplash when I moved here. They did not like it when I, a young child went round bowing when I saw teachers. Not what we do here***(!?!())

)

it's as if we never saw each other at all]

Toulouse - Billie Marten

Meeting them if life bit them and they became unwell and they moved to Finland and just needed some help to get back home, wherever home is. Meeting me if I wasn't me. I wonder who __ would be now if they had grown up without the hurt. Would they have still turned out like this snow angel? That's not the right word. They might've said this if they were there that evening in Bristol, " I'm not being kind, this is my job, as a person in a community, this is what I do. If I claim to be political, this is what my job is. It is to do." And they wouldn't have stumbled and they wouldn't have said that even, they would've just said exactly what they needed to hear and helped and done and it wouldn't have felt life changing. Because for them it's a Tuesday. - you know that, for you it was a

I just hope they're well. That's all I can hope. And when they are unwell and uncared for, they encounter people who would care for them like they cared for me.

act normal. Everything is fine. // Everything is fine. Act normal.

Everything is fine.

Everything. Everything. Everything. Every thing . Is .

Everything is fine.

Evrvehthinfd ishssffiene

Wveyrhthgingisdffinfnw

"Spiritual brokenness". a priest knows fuck all about mental health. A psychiatrist knows fuck all about spirituality.

When

I'll.

I wanted to ask so many more questions.

you

Bless the food. Closed eyes. Connect with that higher power.

boing boing boing write your book, when

道德经是书surlaspiritualitéetlemondemaispasseparé, en

fait, _______

the. y m ake

Music in mid light and it's soft and we both like it

a movie about you

a space, yes, a space can FEEL so much. Good bad off safe unsafe. Home or not home.

r life, this sce

ne p

dogs dogs dogs dogs dogs

robably won't make it,

but I'll say - I knew her. I knew her!

(How old are you? and you've done so much! )

(he and I met when we were teenagers.

a card from someone -

///+)))////

Quilted jacket blue with tiger pattern

are you okay? No. Food. I need food. What would be good for you right now? Chips. There's chips just there. No. Not there. // How do you feel? Big.

You feel angry too? I feel that too. // I've never met someone who's felt big. Or . You've know people who feel like this?

Sorry gran, I only say this because it's true, not because I will or want to, but it's true.

("here, here is the scale. I am not here, * , or here, * or here *.

Even if I tell a secret only for people I think might actually care if I did or not, because it is very vulnerable, truly if they don't care or if they don't know enough or they don't realise until someone's killed themselves or killed someone else or killed themselves accidentally womp womp better luck next time try being born not mentally ill or Gray terminal is being burnt down, the girl turns to her dad - why didn't they just try being born rich? Of course! Of course. Exactly, our fault. My fault. My bad, I really should've tried harder. I .

I don't think we could even joke about their perspective because

The only answer to all of our problems. Kill one another and start eating each others eyes. No? Then maybe we can try [⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛]

They're not well. Not well at all.

(you can only hope they find some way safe back home. Exactly like that video on the internet. oh, green hair, soft like H's maybe. Smile like his too. Except, it's not that this stranger has my old friends smile and a little shadow/light fractal of his soul too. Not the same copies. Just the same. Just different. Anyway, ----homebound, remember his name now?' --- "I still think of him sometimes." What we can do all we can do.

Do I remember everything I wanted to say today? More moments will jump out at me.

There's so much good. My brain is very tired and angry but I just.

I've got the hight garden theme in my head. And that's fair enough.

I will not forgive anyone who has not actually said sorry. Or acknowledged after I've told them that they've hurt me. Or realise even if they're a grown fucking adult that their actions impact other human beings who might fucking kill themselves. I try very hard to be here. I don't have time for people who don't respect the program. The program of me not killing myself. If I have to pretend to be a robot or put on three separat hats and anticipate their feelings for them not becaus they're unwell or confused or hurt今天, but because they are so caught up in being right and comfortable they forget that being a person means other people are people too, not just the ones you think get to be.

Sure it's not that deep. Guess I should've just accepted that when things are bad they will always be so and just because they are good for other people doesn't mean they get it be for me.

It's hard not to be angry.

It's hard not to . It's easy to. Sometimes I do wish I could just kill myself. I can't do it because I'm a coward. Maybe when I'm more well I'd write something different, but I'm not very well right now. I've tried quite a few times and each time I just miss by I don't know, probably a wide margin. Never enough medicine. Never brave enough to jump. Or, this was embarrassing, the curtain rail broke and I fell down. I wish I could succeed in the things I wish to achieve in life. When I am destabilised that means all the bad things people have said to me , that side of the jug is heavy. Well, when I'm well, can I just say I'm so jealous. Because now, it seems like your grand plan of 'no longer wanting to die by suicide' really worked out. Except right now im not where I was when I was -1000. I'm about -338. But also 408-621. It fluctuates. Yeah, if the gap closes up to weeks and months and days, I'm hoping external forces will notice, otherwise who knows. I certainly won't want to keep being around. And I think I'm getting better at hiding secrets. So let's just hope the ship stays above and not below.

No wonder people have trust issues

How could ? trust a single thing ? . How.

Jules and the ocean. An entry that just says 'the ocean

And that, folks, is

"And the ocean, the ocean, is, ...."

Yesteryear's celery festival was.... well, it left much to be desired. // But. I'm glad you came all the same.

Well, things always turn out different to how you expect.

- yeah. What I meant there, it goes from I'm going to go now. Or in a day. Or a few weeks. Or this particular date. Or when I'm better it's one year-five years away. Or when I'm well, I supposedly don't plan to die by the waves at all. Or at least, if I do, it's a long way off.

I'd love to kill myself to somehow hurt all the people who have made me want to kill myself. I guess it wouldn't be very nice for the people who tolerate me. I can't even feel like I could say the obvious. But maybe when I'm more well I can write it. Right now, not as easy.

I do hope they're okay. Wherever they go tonight. They said I helped them greatly. They helped me. I neede that kind of ... well, it's being loved on isn't it. By someone who is just as ____. If not more. When they say it could be worse.

Seeing and fearing and feeling is not the same as knowing. Why am I even using words. It's beyond words.

How can you tell if the world is ending, which apocalypse is coming. Mine, or everyone else's.

Womp womp

[everybodysaycbx]

YOUR TAGS ON SOO’S FILMOGRAPHY ALFHAKHSAKBit really do be like that 😭😭😭

Like 75% of his stuff hits straight to the water pipes, even the stuff he only has a minor role in

LITERALYYYYYY its so hard to watch most of his stuff even tho i want to bc hes such a good actor but when theres a new movie of his coming out its almost always a serious drama and im like,,,,,,,,,,do i wanna watch him die again or do i need some happiness rn bcjskqkwjjdjshhhsqjj

probably why i rewatch 100 days my prince so often its my favorite kdrama of his (i love historical dramas so im biased lol) and yeah theres some sad and even tragic moments but its overall a good time and very interesting (plus he and nam jihyun are wonderful in this (and everything they do tbh) and so are the supporting actors

also now im going to use this as an excuse to ramble about my thoughts on the show bc i love it but i have Critiques™ so ill put a read more for spoilers bc ill talk about them a lot

almost all of these issues if not all are all about the writing so there wont be any criticism of the acting which i thought was pretty good overall by kdrama standards (there were only a few times where i thought it was detrimental to my enjoyment but again it was still more to do with my problems with the writing)

so to really get into it, the pacing suffers with the back half of the episodes feeling a bit rushed especially in the last few episodes. i didnt feel like the first half was dragging much except in a few areas but again it didnt detract from my enjoyment. the last id say 5 or 6 episodes really feel like they were speedrunning which made the ending less satisfying

so when i looked at reviews of the show years ago i saw many people criticizing how the main antagonist died bc it felt anticlimatic and i do agree, especially on first watch. while its not as jarring as the first time when ive rewatched it the way he dies still doesnt feel built up as well as it could have been and i think it could have worked if the pacing for the ending wasnt so rushed (plus the numerous twists during the last couple of episodes made it a bit hard to follow where it was heading and some of what WAS set up i think was lost in that but tbh thats par for the course for kdramas lol)

speaking of the ending, i get why it ended the way that it did with the marriage mandate happening again to make everything come full circle, but character wise i dont think it was the way to go. wondeuk has always expressed even before he lost his memory that he hated being royal and never wanted to live that life because of what his father did to get it. and even knowing that he wasnt wondeuk and was probably a noble at the very least he wanted to be with hongshim in the village or wherever they needed to go. hongshim similarly has already gotten used to being a commoner and has lived that way longer than her former life. even in the epilogue she doesnt really live her life as a noble even if her status has been reinstated. i think it wouldve made more sense if he renounced the throne and chose to live with her in the village.

adding to the last point, if they had stayed in the village together and he abdicated, then his half brother would be the crown prince and the queen wouldnt be on her bullshit even at the end of the show!!! dude literally killed the guy who was threatening you and controlling your husband and you still cant stop trying to fuck him over so your son can be king??? i know the evil manipulative queen is a trope in these but shes so illogical it was a bit annoying which is a shame bc i usually love those characters

the show like,,,,,less than halfway through forgets wondeuks half brother is even a character like why was he even there. theres some indication in the beginning of the show that he likes the crown princess but that doesnt really go anywhere (its only brought up in like 2 scenes at the beginning and in the epilogue wheres shes moved to a remote location with the baby and goes to visit for some reason.....dude yall had maybe 3 lines of dialogue between each other. why are you here) and he even tells wondeuk that he hates him but we never really figure out why bc he doesnt really want to be the crown prince that much (not that i can recall rn) so his only role in the story is to help the queen be a red herring but not be a real character of his own

this is more of what i felt upon rewatch but every time i rewatch it i find it more and more annoying but the palace drama where the queen is spreading rumors and then the guys who support the antagonist make fake fliers about how the kingdom wants her deposed for this in order to manipulate the king is just,,,,,extremely uninteresting upon rewatch. like so much is happening that goes on for so long and its dragged out for way longer than it should be AND it takes time away from the village plot with wondeuk and hongshim aka the actual interesting part. so now i mostly just skip those parts even tho when i first watched the show it was fairly interesting tho i felt it dragged on a bit too long so i wont say this is a huge strike against it or anything

while i knew the brother was going to die bc thats how these kinds of stories work i was still upset fjisjshdsjsh he was a great character and while i think it still makes sense why and its still narratively satisfying imo, i think it would still be satisfying if he lived and he and the princess escaped successfully. i think it would work a little bit better actually bc it would make the antagonists decisions make a little more sense in the finale bc not everything is going to his plan and hes losing more control (plus they deserve to be happy :(( they deserve the happy ending wondeuk and hongshim get too) plus it would still tie in with hongshims motivations for rejecting wondeuk initially before the epilogue

thats the last of the criticism but this isnt a praise so ill leave an idea i had for like a what if scenario ig: so i always wondered what would happen if either the antagonist doesnt get to wondeuk in time during the festival or he gets killed by the people the king sent to attack him and hongshims brother gets there to take them them plus her dad with them into hiding. and the awkward tension that would ensue when wondeuk either figures out her brother is the assassin thats been coming after them or just immediately knows when he sees him come to get them but they both dont want to hurt hongshim by telling her what they know about the other but shes distressed that they obviously dont like each other and this is all happening while theyre running around the woods and trying to find a place they can hide out and her dad is just,,,,,,,so confused the entire time but trying to make everyone get along fjwwqkdhuheuedh idk i could add to this later bc i have so many ideas on how it could play out but ill stop there fisksjbdjssjdjssj

[granitenotgranted]

I'm gonna need ur reaction and thoughts about the RaM finale once you've watched it

I only watched it yesterday so im not gonna have any hot and spicy new takes for yall but ya girl DID have some thoughts lets go (obviously spoiler warning)

thank you SO SO much for asking!! I’m honored that you want my takes<33

Listen I hate to say it but I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!! GOD!!! 😭😭😭

I just need to come out here and say this but first of all I dont think Rick replacing himself was really a bad thing,,,, like at all LMAO especially knowing that it was Rick who made him I mean it was more than just a replacement he was made to be the grandpa he wants for morty but he just knows he can’t be right now.

I can fully understand how it would absolutely feel like a betrayal to Morty but looking at it as a viewer I mean Rick was fully spiraling, to me his intentions were completely pure. Also I thik im just grateful they gave us a time stamp for when the swap was made so we didnt have to wonder forever how much of Rick this season was Rick. He still did piss master, he still kept Jerry blissfully ignorant just out of good will, he STILL WILLINGLY WENT TO THERAPY. All these wouldve been out the window if theyd overlooked that detail. 

Him recognizing that he was starting to go off the deep end again and not only removing himself but having his familys best interest in mind ( “Im no good to anyone until I resolve this” ) while doing so AND literally while mad at Morty is still INSANE character growth from where we started but this way is REALISTIC character growth. It was WEIRD how black and white the difference between literally yhe last two episodes and even just the rest of the season (which has famously been Rick in his peak good grandpa career) was. At some points it felt like I was reading fanfiction.

(Why do his knees look like that oh my god) Rick is fully capable of recognizing where he can be better, he always has been, he is not stupid *however* he is CLUTCHING onto the idea of being more logical than sentimental by the fucking neck rn. Men will literally build an anatomically flawless ai to be the perfectly calculated percentage nicer to their grandson and to be the man they wish they were before just going back to therapy.

Someone else mentioned this but ill also point out how much I appreciated just seeing Rick working? Like just in his space completely focused building shit with his brain and hands that hit the fucking spot. 9/10 times we only get the finished product and idk if its just me but I love when we SEE Rick living up to the Rick Sanchez tm reputation.

And Morty... my sweet summer child. It is not at all a shiny new take to say oh he’s so done with ricks shit we all know that but I really really want to point out something that I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to make with but have we noticed almost a switch morty flips when on adventures? He cried because Christmas was ruined like not even a full 6 hours before he was fully ready to kill a man while looking him in the eyes. Maybe the two were cause and effect idk bht I think that’s definitely something present in other episodes too this sorta “just get it done” attitude.

Also how much he sounded like rick this ep? That whole “don’t be too flattered he’s been actively trying to die” sounded EXACTLY like a Rick line I literally had to play it again. And the complete apathy for robo rick wanting to die until he ACTUALLY lunged himself into the void was also just textbook rick bullshit. Like grandfather like goddamn grandson.

The ending to me was a little disappointing tbh I think I was hoping for a more,,, structured? Cliffhanger? Like we dk what’s gonna happen in this storyline instead of the introduction to a new storyline yk? MAYBEEE I’m just salty we have to wait another year for more you can’t prove anything.

Rick being borderline manic ab RP at the end was my favorite it’s nice to see him just rant ab anything really and like not make some bullshit elaborate Halloween house to take his anger out but just legit vent ab what this guys been doing to him for the past fucking 40 years. I didn’t even notice the ep was over when the credits rolled in my mind we were only like 10 minutes in and I lost my MIND when mr poopy butthole pulled up again good to see he’s thriving (kinda)

On a final note when he called him Rick prime please let me know if I’m off but is that not an internet term for him? Like the fandom came up with it? Rick and morty writers are tumblerinas confirmed question mark?

And lastly: Neurotypical. Cooties.