#i woildnt complain.

[compassionatereminders]

hello kat! i hope you are doing really well 💗 i wanted to talk about something and i also wanted your opinion on it. i had an online friend from another country (like a neighbour country but its actuallt supposed to be our enemy. that never fazed me or him.) we became close friends over time. we first started talking on twitter in 2016 due to being in the same fandom. he was 4 years older than me. during those years, i had a crush on him and then it faded. i also learnt more aboult my sexuality and realised i would never be happy with a guy (i thought i was straight the entire time so 😭) anyways it was .. "toxic" at times in the sense that i had an unhealthy attachment + he acted oblivious regarding my feelings. fast forward to the pandemic time, we grew even closer. he started sharing things with me related to his family and life in a more casual way on his own. in late 2021, he ghosted me for a month straight. i was hurt and told him how worried i was due to covid etc but i continued to talk to him. this happened again in 2022, and i told him that if it happened for the third time, i would not be able to take it. it happened again. and i lost trust. he asked for a chance while telling me about his sick grandfather. so i gave it to him reluctantly. fast forward to december 2022, i was extremely su*cidal and had been since september 2022. i was in a really bad condition but somehow gave my finals in october. i spoke to him about it during that time and he just gave me some responses which made me feel like he didnt care or yhat he didnt understand and did not even want to. i was in a really bad place. and then he ghosted me again. i cpule not take it and ended up blocking him on whatsapp because i was trying to survive. january and february 2023 werw horruble (i am still a student and i had all these mid sems and vivas and projects that i could not bring myseld to do but i had to.) i unblockef him in march. my birthdya was on the 25th and he sent me a birthday message. i replied. and then on the 26th i told him i wanted to end our friendship. he said he had texted me while i had blocked him in january. his grandfather died in january. i told him i wouldnt have blocked him if iw ould have known about his ciecumstances. he told me he thought i had given him a chance. i told him, what else was i supppsed to do? then i accidentally told him that my college friend had blocked him and he values privaxy a lot. i .. proceeded to tell him how it went down (this was so so impulsive and i am so ashamed and guilty.) and he was like wth are you talking about. we have been friends for 6 plus yeats and you are telling me your friend blocked me? he said if uou dont trust ne there is no point in dragging this friendhsip or whatever we jave rn, and said his goodbye. i had my final exams going on (i falied in 3 of those october exams and had to give them again, so this time my ass was om the line. i need to pass in all subjects this time or else .. i will have to repeat the entire year.) so i sobbed a lot after reading his messages. tried to control. gave my exams which were egery single day somehow. they ended4 days ago. and then i decided i would text him back. on the 10th. with a cool mind. and trying not to say something wrong. also because i wanted to give him some space and figured he wpuld be amgry and woildnt want to talk to me. but he blocked me. and im not complaining, because its fair enough. its just that .. i was going to teply. maybe he thought i dont care or im not bothered but i do. and i am. i just wanted to apologuse to him and wanted him to know that i cared for him. im not sure i put it in yhe best way in this message but yeah .. i cant stop thinking about what was going on in his mind when he blocked me. i know i was wrong. but now im wuestioning my perception in general, and ami a bad person? is there something fundamnetally wrong with me? im just so .. i hate myself for this.

You're not a bad person, but it honestly sounds like it's time to let go of this "friendship". Because it doesn't sound like either of you have been happy with it for years. You obviously have different expectations and investments, and you'd be better off looking for friends who actually desire the same level of connection as you do

[smileymoth]

Self harm tw

Im not gona do anything rn bc im going home tomorrow and the ones i made last week havent even healed properly but i swear to god one day im going to slice up my wrists just to experience what it looks and feels like because its always been a fucked up fantasy of mine because ive been mentally ill since i was 10 and even without the internet i wouldve lost it some other way. Sometimes i think about going too deep and having to get stitcjes. But if it happened it would be on accident. I woildnt do it on purpose bc im a coward.

I remember in 5th grade we were on a school trip and i lost my mind bc of prohably overstimulation lbr and i started to badly grate away at my wrist witj a plastic knife and that was so cringe i remember feeling cringe immediately since i calmed down and its so embarrassing that i have these thoughts in the first place since youre not supposed to. The next morning i woke up and my dad noticed ky scratched arm and he made a joke about it. It didnt feel too good. Ive never cut too much. I remember in 6tj grade i would cut a small piece of skin off my wrist with scissors and i stkll have a scar from it and it would burn dry to air exposure and id be kinda disturbed bc there was a hole in my skin (go figure) but its so small now. All my sh scars have mostly faded. Ive never done too much because im scared to do too much and go too deep but by god i want to. But i dont want the scars. I dont want my mom to see. I dont want people to see. I just want the feeling it gives. Even if you dont do too much rhe pressure release or adrenaline calmdown after feels so nice and uoi feel so good for like 5 minhtes before you regret what you did. Like its not even a big problem to me lbr i just do a couple to get away iwth saying my cat attacked me and thats why theyre always crooked or i "scratched myself against a screw at school lol" idk if my mom ever really believed me in the first place. Its always awkward when she asks bc i pretend i didnt notjce i have them. And while i dont do it a lot and often ive never cut myself more tjan in the past 2 years. Did my dads death trigger this. I dont know. And i feel like its getting worse slowly. And im just letting it happen because i stopped caring i guess. I dont know. I guess thats why i starved myself in high school bc it was "invisible" and not noticable l. I dont know. I feel so patjetic that i even think about it so often that i do. Like im 22 i should be getting a job and a partner not thinking of which spot on my wrist is most optimal to draw blood with a fucking dirty ass boxcutter that i sprayed a-sept on so if my mom notices it would be least suspicious.

God i cant keep up i cant keep up with life at all im not built for this life it feels like. Im so overwhelmed all the time and i feel disgusting and patjetic and annoying. I dont really care about the things i should i just pretend i care mostly. Thats an autism trait right. Lack of empathy. I feel empathy but sometimes it feels tjat im empathetic just because its right to ne, not tjat i actuallt care. Youd be surprised how little things i acrually care about. Im a little internet attentionwhore who cant kill herself nc her mom and besties would be sad. Im not fucking special for any of this im just pathetic and burnt out and dead on the inside. Im never going to get better am i. Im never going to be what i want to be. Whats the fucking point right. Whats the point of complaining if im not even going to do anything. i wont cut myself open like i want to because its useless and dangerous and doesnt fix anything anyway and i cant kill myself either so ill just complain om tumblr instead and describe in detail how ive cut myself before bc thats entertaining. I feel like im writing a deviantart vent journal

[kanawolf]

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[johnradams]

jedams headcannons??

This ask throat punched me because I haven’t thought about Jedams in a long time. Lily and Nicole, I’m so sorry you have to see this.

John’s a real cuddler. I think he at least attempts to big spoon even though he is little spoon sized.

Jefferson is a blanket hog.

Because Thomas is *such* a morning person, he gets John’s morning routine started. I’m thinking like they’re on an extended business trip type situation in this brain child I’m creating rn. So they’re either in a hotel or a shitty apartment type thing. Anyway, Jefferson starts the coffee (& John has to teach how to make strong, proper coffee) but he’s not much of a coffee drinker. He doesn’t cook. Neither of them really can cook, John does a little but nothing spectacular.

We’re going with this isn’t an infidelity situation just so I can enjoy this post.

Thomas is ofc autistic and he knows this but he doesn’t really *do* anything about it. He’s ‘high functioning’ (Ik ik icky term, I’m sorry!) enough that he doesn’t need a lot of accomadations so he just doesn’t make any for himself and suffers needlessly. John notices because you notice these things living with a person and I feel him being quite tender about it (when he’s not tender about much else, esp since I picture this starting with their relationship). Jefferson isn’t used to receiving support like that and it’s a nice change.

Also I’d like to talk about what I like to call The Jefferson Spiral. What in this universe poisons him as person and creates asshole supreme? Idk yet. I might not even touch this au ever again but I hope this is what you wanted anon.

[anyu-blue]

Personal

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Long and negative.

I complain too much. Too loudly. Even ranting here is wrong. So I'm told

I'm too negative. I'm pessimistic.

I don't try to do any of those things... But it's obvious I do and am. It doesn't matter if it's not on purpose. It's still wrong.

The spark of this is... I sat down in my closet today... Just wanted a little time to myself outside the communal areas... I wasn't in there very long before I spotted a bedbug. Two actually. Then there were three, I discovered it as I took the two I caught into the bathroom to squish.. no actually... There were four. I thought the last one was a blood splatter from squishing one of the other ones because he was so small.

Four bed bugs visible within 30 seconds of one another.. I don't know if you know, but I know what that means. Possibly, likely hundreds are in my closet alone... Oh.. my god...

I'm upset because my safe place isn't safe. It's infested, despite the covers. Despite all the washings... Riddled with bedbugs.

They aren't dangerous. They don't technically hurt. The idea is just nasty and gross because of all the blood and waste.

I've already given up an actual bed in favor of living here. In retrospect it was the smartest decision I made in favor of living here. A bed would be a nightmare worse than a mattress pad, pillows, and blankets. But I'm not supposed to talk about not having a bed anyway. I'm not supposed to talk about how sore I get sleeping in my closet.. or on the floor... Or the pain of dislocated ribs from sleeping wrong in my hammock- which I haven't used since the pain started. It has recently been discovered I have inherited my mother's weak ligament problems... Bones dislocate very easily.. but are no less painful mind you.

I'm not supposed to be unhappy about sleeping on the couch in a room everyone moves through- therefore never getting solid sleep.

... I'm not supposed to be unhappy with the possibility that it would be easiest to toss all my stuffed animals and any decorative pillows to my name.. I'm not actually supposed to throw them out at all because I'm not supposed to remove more things in my life to make one thing easier because by default my being sad for a little while about things I never use will make everyone else miserable forever.

... I'm not perfect. I rant and I'm negative and I'm not easy to talk to, ever...I'm not easy to live with. I'm very hard to love as a person. I get this. I get that some of it isn't my fault, and that some of it is.

But I'm not thinking solely of myself all the time.

Yeah.. the bed thing. I'm still sad about it and I shouldn't be. I shouldn't talk about it or mention what I gave up for my family because I shouldn't look for sympathy for it- Tevie just told me that. It was my choice. I have to live with it by myself and be happy for what I do have. I need to forget about a bed. Forget I ever had one. I should Not want one in the first place. It's unnecessary, obviously.

But the rest of it... If I get rid of the stuffed animals and pillows.. I can ensure those items will not infect any place we go to. I can ensure whatever buggy is in them is gone for certain. I should be allowed to he sad to get rid of them.. I thought... But I'm not supposed to. Because it'll upset everyone else if I'm sad. I'll have another stupid thing to rant about that shouldn't be mentioned.

It's not supposed to be done in the first place because I'm not supposed to do it THAT way. I'm supposed to keep my animals and pillows according to my sister. Because I like them.. and that's more important than these stupid bugs.

Not to me, it's not. Of course I'll be sad, but I won't be paranoid staring at them.. afraid to touch them.. feeling hatred at having a place the bugs can infest. Worried if someone comes and picks one up because it's cute or soft or...

*sigh*

I'm paranoid... I thought I had every right to be... I know doing this- getting rid of pillows and stuffed animals, isn't 100% necessary... But I would feel better in some way. I know how I am.. I'm lazy, and I don't like using resources either when we have little (ie water, soap, power to clean and dry).. and I wouldn't want that laziness and lack of will to use what's available to be a downfall that keeps us stuck with this issue. I'd rather be a little sad to have no soft fuzzy things to cuddle, personally... Just like I'd rather have no bed in favor of having a place to live my family likes and can afford (besides the bedbugs)...

The main reason I would complain is because I feel guilty about tossing so many gifts... And I'm mad about the bed bugs...

But I'm not supposed to complain...

This is why I don't like talking.. I do everything wrong with it. No one is supposed to know I'm unhappy.

I'm not supposed to BE unhappy.

I do everything wrong. I just complain before, when, and after I do something.. at least that's what everyone remembers...