kate-the-dino

[kate-the-dino]

As I inhale the smoke that you left me with, I am brought further down into my sorrow. With each drag I take, I hope your face gets more blurry until eventually you are nothing more than a scar. After every drink, I hope that it sends a chill down your spine. I cruse the name that I knew you as. At this point I don't think I will ever forget you nor will I forgive you. You take up too much room in my heart that I could be filling with people who care about me truthfully. What hurts is that I know you will never be as broken up like I was. I am. Sometimes I wish I could transfer some of my pain to you so others can see how much pain I am in. But knowing how much I hurt, I don't want that for you. Why? I can't tell you.

[kate-the-dino]

It's been hard lately. I guess part of me still wants closure I never got. I know that I will never receive it no matter how hard I try. I just want to know what I did that hurt you so bad that you go about your day and probably don't even think about me one bit. Was it the break up with your brother? Was it after my last attempt when I had contact with you? Was it when I made friends that actually showed what mutual love was? It was probably all of that and more you would never say to me. I was a burden to you. A liability. I started bettering myself...Just letting you know. I don't try to kill myself every weekend. I have a wonderful fiancée. We have three new cats. I don't drink often. I guess the only thing that I started that wouldn't be bettering myself is that I started smoking again. Moms doing great. She's learning a new language. Pretty quickly too.

I finally unfollowed you on the last of social media I had with you. I didn't use that app often enough to notice. One more step towards closure I guess.

[kate-the-dino]

One hundred lives

One hundred tries

One hundred chances to start new

And I keep meeting you

It will be forever you and I

Forever until our souls die

[kate-the-dino]

I just want to feel cared about and appreciated. I get told I am every day but I still feel like it's a lie that people tell me. I still feel like I'm not doing enough.

[kate-the-dino]

I can’t help to smile to myself when I hear your silly laugh coming from the other room. You make me feel somewhat better about myself and about life. It’s cheesy to say but I love you more than I can ever express. You are the balloon that I hold tightly in case you start to drift away. You mean so damn much to me. One day I will be able to tell you this in person without flubbing it up. Or not. But you will laugh that silly laugh I love so much and kiss me and tell me that my eyes are the moss that you love. I can actually picture us sitting on our front porch watching the birds. Hand in Hand. Forever until we decide to spend our next lives together.

[kate-the-dino]

Fuck.

Fuck me.

It’s my birthday almost.

Why am I just now crying over you again?

I thought I was done.

I thought I was over you and all of the shit you’ve done to me.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for making me believe you cared enough about me to never leave me.

Fuck me for believing it.

[kate-the-dino]

Why do I feel like I’ve done something to you? I want to ask but I don’t want to make it about me. I know you’re hurting too. I wish I could help. Sitting here makes me feel like I’m the asshole…..I’m hurting too but I’m always hurting. I don’t know what to do or say. Everything I do feels like it makes it worse. I thought that I would be happy for my birthday for once. I guess that was wishful thinking. I’m never happy….

[kate-the-dino]

Trying to find at least one good thing about each day. It’s a lot harder than I thought because apparently “when my girlfriend comes home and gives me kisses” everyday isn’t what my therapist meant.

[kate-the-dino]

You say I didn’t do or say anything to make you upset with me. I find that hard to believe when I do or say things to make myself upset with me.

You haven’t kissed or hugged me nearly at all in almost a month. That how all of the others started out in the ending.

Please don’t let it be like this with you too. I love you

[kate-the-dino]

My heart aches

My brain is fuzzy

My fingers are numb

My eyes burn

I can feel myself sinking.

[kate-the-dino]

I’m healing.

Slowly.

But I am.

I don’t spend every minute I’m awake thinking about you.

I can say your name and not start to choke up.

I now think of ways I could be petty towards you.

But I stop myself because I know that it wouldn’t help anything.

I really hope that you have a good life.

Go live whatever dream you have that you never shared with me.

All I ask of you is to just let me live mine.

Good bye. Finally.

• kbm •

[kate-the-dino]

I just want to go one day without thinking of the used-to-be’s

I want to be able to see something and not think of you

I want to listen to my favorite bands without hearing you sing along

My head swims and my eyes tear up when I remember how inseparable we were

My stomach does flips and I want to vomit whenever I see that you are online

One day I hope that you realize how bitchy you were to me

I hope that you own up to the pain you cause me on a daily basis

I hope all of this but I don’t want you reaching out

I will be damned if I give into the lies you fed me so effortlessly

I just wish I could forget you

I want to forget you

I quit drinking and all I can think is how you would “joke” that I would be back drinking by the end of the month

You would always say that I was weak even when you didn’t explicitly say so

The lack of your support hurt me more than you can know

I don’t even know why I am so hung up on you

I just want to forget you

[kate-the-dino]

Tired

I’m just tired she tells everyone

“I didn’t get much sleep last night” when in reality, she forced herself awake.

I’m tired she texts when someone asks about how she is.

Little do they know that she’s not sleepy tired.

She’s tired of having to tell everyone she’s okay or that it’s fine

When this is making her lose weight or her appetite or her hair

I’m just fucking tired.

[kate-the-dino]

Your touch is like fire against my skin

Hot, beautiful, dangerous.

Not a day goes by without me yearning for that feeling.

When we lay together, skin to skin

It’s like my world has exploded into a beautiful mess.

You are the spark that causes so much fire in me.

I love you

[kate-the-dino]

I really don’t feel the bruises on my heart healing. I don’t know if they ever do.

When you spent the last 13 years bending yourself backwards for someone, you never really unlearn it.

I still think of you. I still talk about you. Hell I still dream of what might have happened.

The wounds that I have sustained will never fully heal and I have come to terms with that.

I still wait for the day that you text me or call me wanting to be like how we were.

But that day will never come.

[kate-the-dino]

I am done with masking for the sake of you and everyone else.

I am going to be me even if that means I lose friends.

I am a hellfire that keeps burning.

This is my villain arc. I will not back down because you try to tell me I need to be a certain way.

You will be the first to see the flames, for they will engulf everything you tried to break me down with.

[kate-the-dino]

The tips of my fingers start to tingle and the tips of my toes are numb. I stare at the wall in silence when I should be sleeping. The darkness of my room dimming ever so slightly more. The cloud is back looming over my head. “You’ll be in for a bad day tomorrow if you don’t get sleep” I say to myself. As if I would have a good day tomorrow anyways. Everything feels numb and I wish I could hide away and disappear. Unfortunately I can’t. I have to get up and go to work. Answer I’m doing fine yo questions about how I’m doing. Can I just disappear for a few days?