#i wish this was literally anything else tho
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I feel like my anxiety is getting worse nowadays:/
#which is silly because im getting better if anything#idk why i feel this way maybe i always need some sort of problem to function#maybe its just anxiety that comes with change#i just need to remind myself that im doing alright for now no need to push myself#nvm i really hate thsi AAAAAA#what do i even do i wish i jad someone else figure this out for me#a therapist a friend idk literally anyone who actually cares about me#not my mom tho yikes she only makes everything worse
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Welp... tomorrow is last chance to get legend before DT...
Moral is low and I crave death. :)
#Z speaks#I am so fucking tired of Thordan's dumb fucking face#Honestly even if we don't clear tomorrow#I'm looking forward to the break from raiding for at least a little bit.#wish we could've cleared already just so I'd have more time for literally anything else tho. OTL#Probably won't get a bunch of the other gposes I wanted to get done.#Guess I'll just have to wait until after crimes come back now.
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#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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akdbdndjshdf
#feel fucking crazy sometimes ugh ik rn it’s partially bc im kinda tired and i haven’t eaten#but like i do kinda wanna cry bc my friends be planning smth without me LMFAOOOOOOOOOO#it sounds so dumb :| ik it’s not tho lmfaobscbdbdndndkkdksjdhekws#i honestly just need to stop thinking and eat smth or just go to sleep bc i rly don’t feel like#making food rn lmao but#idk i like writing out my thoughts here sometimes so i think imma do that ;-;#bc like my two friends who i’ve been seeing nonstop lately mentioned getting pho w a group#and i def think i said i wanted to join#but they all like were talking abt it today and i think they started a gc to plan it and they do actually have plans#but idk shit abt it#and ik if i asked they would say i can join#but goddammit i could not bring myself to ask today#and honestly even thinking abt needing to ask makes me kinda want to cry#BRUH i wish i was over friendship exclusion bullshit#it’s this one fucking friend in middle school who made me sob a million fucking times#bc she straight up ignored me when we were w other friends#and my friends rn don’t do that#but idk being left out of this gc has made me insane ig 😀😀😀#they can’t even all fit in her car……..#idk like they also never said anything directly to me abt it even tho they were talking abt it in my vicinity#they asked someone else if she wanted to go ;-; like kinda absently but still#i hate that im complaining abt this i hate that i feel fucking crazy complaining abt this#like i can totally see a world where i just fucking ASK and my roommates like oh shit ur not in the group i didn’t realize#but also i could be deluding myself#its literally. not that deep im seeing the two of them tmrw and i can ask when im not out of my mind#ugh fucking fuck sometimes i hate relationships#but ik to some extent that these ppl like spending time w me even if its hard to believe sometimes like rn ig#but to think i have to start all over in a few months and find those ppl again#💀💀💀💀💀🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway i’m fine i need to chill and do something productive 😭😭😭😭😭
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also i love how when i mentioned the conference thing today one guy was like "so is pelin famous in turkey?" PLEASE WDYMMMM 😭😭
#im literally just a guy who has a bachelors degree and decided to do something way out of my league#and they actually let me do it. woaw#and i feel like i will be out of place 😵💫 and my only choice is doing it online truly i hope it wont be a disaster#i actually wish i had the chance to do it in person but also i would probably kill myself over it u know#also loooove how everyone was rlly interested in the topic and asked questions and stuff#hope they dont ask insane questions tomorrow tho like 😭😭 please im just a guy w a bachelor's degree idek what im doing here#like the next panel my LITERAL PROFESSOR with an academic career and a phd and everything else will be presenting#LIKE WHAT AM I DOING HERE HOW DID YALL LET ME INNNN 😭 i dont know anything 😭#🗒#anyway yeah . it's cool im okay. ysah
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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Hey first I want to say that I really like your in depth posts on Dragon Age! Can I ask if you have any information and/or insights on the Jainen Circle from Legends? And do you think it's canon?
Everything That Happens Involving the Jainen Circle of Magi:
The First Enchanter is Jendrik whenever DAL is set (it's canonically sometime after the start of the 5th blight, but imo it's more specifically set somewhere from 9:34-9:37).
Sometime before you arrive in Jainen, the Circle is overrun by demons.
The leader of the local dragon cultists, Deymour, sends his lieutenant, Guillen, to kill Jendrik. If you head too far into Jainen without going to the Circle, Jendrik will die, otherwise you save him. If you save him, he's too wounded to help you so he just...leaves, I guess. He doesn't get any dialogue or a sprite or anything.
When you fight through the Circle, you fight both templars and mages (who are fighting together). I don't think you fight any demons until the very end, which has one desire demon as a boss.
The source of the demon(s) is Deymour who, as part of the overarching plot of DAL, is hosting a shard of a pride demon's soul in him. It's not explicitly stated that he summoned the demon(s), but his whole pride demon thing and also his general involvement (asking Guillen to kill Jendrik) is a pretty good indicator.
No matter the outcome, none of this is ever mentioned again.
Is the Jainen Circle Canon?
Nothing from DAL is canon.
That said, most of the game can be stretched to fit into canon (even Eiton being 'born Tranquil', fight me), and the Jainen Circle isn't any less realistic than anything else in DAL. Honestly, the main potential conflicts with canon are probably:
The times when we've been told how many circles there are (either 14 or 15; it's not even consistent). There are more than that listed on the wiki, even without including Jainen. However, quite a few of those Circles only have references from hundreds of years ago and may not exist anymore, so even 14 is enough to include Jainen as one of them.
Kinloch Hold is generally discussed in canon as THE Circle in Ferelden, replacing Denerim's Circle in 3:87. Maybe Jainen's just smaller or too remote or something, idk.
#dragon age#dragon age legends#dragon age meta#dragon age lore#da#dal#i feel like i may be the most qualified person in existence to talk about dal with the hours ive put into deconstructing the code#i have a 125 page document mapping the full plot (not in a way that would be particularly useful to anyone else tho sorry)#(but i WILL gladly talk about literally anything to do with it because oh boy do i know TOO MUCH about this game)#personal#was literally thinking a few hrs ago about writing a post about dwarves and golems and lyrium and magic resistance and souls........#with heavy references to dal because of what happens in orzammar#(yes my copy of the game crashes before orzammar but the code still exists and i have Read It)#like there's a new paragon called beirus who figured out caridin's research and is making golems out of darkspawn#VERY interesting stuff. wish i could actually play it lmao. i wanna see the sprites for the golems when they're fighting#also ftr there are werewolf golems and they're called grinders. mhm
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this comment by mitch stone (a hair stylist and photographer) was left on a MotA-related post made by kirstin chalmers (a hair and makeup designer for the show). if i'm right that he's talking about MotA (why else would he leave that comment?), i suppose there were reshoots in los angeles (at some point?) and isabel may may have been cast in the show.
neither may nor stone are mentioned on MotA's imdb page, but stranger things have happened.
#so onto the blog it goes#if some of mota was filmed in los angeles this is literally the first i've ever heard of it#same with isabel may. i thought i knew of all the women cast up til this point#'love interest' is such a broad term here tho. given the number of men in the show like. the love interest for which guy Exactly?#this could all be speculation tho. there's nothing wrong with a healthy amount of guesswork#it's hard to fact check when you're not 'in the know' but i'm still gonna see if there's anything more to this#masters of the air#hbo war#(i wish i had a 'speculation' tag bc idk if this qualifies as 'news'. but there's nowhere else to put this. ig it doesn't get sorted)#isabel may
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#omg so i fought myself to learn Ausländer on guitar and it kinda sucks bc i cant get the strumming but i learned the synth intro on guitar!!#BUT I WAS LIKE OKAY TIME FOR ANOTHER SONG LETS SEE WHAT ELSE THERE IS ON THE TABS APP#'oh. sex? i heard that earlier and it sounded fun but idr what it sounded like at the moment lemme put it on ...#... and try to play it in one go and see if anything clicks'#LORDDDDD THE SEX WAS WITH ME I PLAYED THAT SHIT RIGHT ALONG WITH IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH FIRST TRY#THAT SONG IS SO FUCKING EASY HOLY SHIT PUN NOT INTENDED FR THAT SHIT IS SO FUCKING CATCHY AND SUCH A SIMPLE EVERYTHING#i cant believe i was dying trying to figure out a strumming pattern when i couldve been doing sex instead#((fr tho what the fuck is that strumming pattern?!?! idec anymore bc SEX!!))#like holy shit tho to just instantly 'get' a song like that is so fucking fun and like an instant burst of life#meanwhile i was spending hours on Ausländer and dying and practising and goofing off playing it all in shitty harmonics#guess that warmed me up for the big finish nadda meannnnn lmao#how tf is it after midnight now literally 3 hours of this and i got sex in like ... how long is that song#3:56 minutes#i wish the person that tabbed it didnt write it so weirdly tho i gotta note take so i can see it all in one go#like they wrote it like (tab version of): 'Ash (x2) F (x2)' and then a line break for the second half of the chorus#when usually itd be like: 'Ash Ash F F G G Dsh Dsh' all as one line bc it repeats differently on the second go around#fr tho holy shit holy shit that was so fucking fun holy shit#the fucking bend release part hhdhsjdidjwn it looked loud and complicated but its like u gotta just go for it and it works#its like that same feeling when u learn to fret tap ur like 'wtf no way that works' and it does. and ur like.#OH. SO THATS WHAT ITS LIKE TO ORGASM.#pfahahaha#ShitPost.exe#semi related but my new guitar strings arent as bad as i thought theyd be or maybe im just hopped up on New Song (to me)#the 6th string feels like a mfer but im not having issues playing it. im just gonna need to get used to the new texture#also my fingers are fucking GREY WHAT IS THIS SHIT WHY ARE THE STRINGS CRUDDY THEYRE BRAND NEW FROM A SEALED PACK#my guitar has been in its case the whole time like fr what is this gunk how do i clean it off ughhhhhhh like factory oil or something#anyway im gonna go do sex again just needed to tell the world how great that was#((hOW THE FUCK IS IT SO EASY SERIOUSLYYYYY))#oH WAIT ALSO#the intonation adjustment on my guitar and new strings means its holding tune a lot better now which is great im still in drop c lol
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i started a sourdough starter and i've been having so much fun with it!! pics under the cut ha i've never made bread on my own so it all looks a mess. it feels so cool to make all my food home made cause yesterday i made my own salsa and i also cooked some other stuff too and the sourdough cookies which are giving gourmet bitch so i just felt so good. and full!! anyway the bread is okay. it's definitely bread, so it's good! it doesn't taste at all like my grandma's sourdough tho, but i'm not surprised cause her starter smells completely different than mine! uh the plain one is hard and it didn't raise quite as much but i think i accidentally used a lil too much flour. the garlic italian seasoning one is the perfect texture tho!!
i included the picture of the salsa bc look at the size of that lime it was the same size as one of the oranges i have never seen one that big!!
#i have a headache and my astigmatism is bothering me but my glasses are making it worse which is new#like i don't think they're the right prescription but i didn't think they were that bad. way too late to take them back tho....#my neighbor is blasting music at the highest volume on her sound system at 11:30pm it's so annoying#yesterday i had a friend over and her kids and my neighbor was pounding on the floor the whole time for idek how many hours#she overstayed her welcome but i wouldn't have been so unwelcoming if not that every time her kids walked around#my neighbor pounded on the fucking floor several times as hard as possible. every. single. fucking. time. they walked anywhere#like i can kinda get it for the kids because they move quickly so their steps are louder but like she does it when i walk around sometimes#not every day but way too often. it's honestly traumatizing and triggering and i literally have to walk on eggshells and she still does it#even though i step softly. and i'm not the one who fuCKING BLASTS MUSIC ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME LATE AT NIGHT#she is also really nasty to me any time i run into her and if i walk outside my apartment she will like drag her dog back in asap#and she also has all out knock down drag out fights with her son who she is mooching off of.#anyway i have never done anything to her i've never even spoken to her i would smile at her before she started being a bitch#it's so fucking miserable living over a loudly and vitriolicly insane person. i wish she would move out if she's so unhappy but of course#like i said! she's mooching off her son so. she can't afford to move! god i'd love to help her but she doesn't want help she wants#to be the main character and make damn sure every single person around her is as miserable as she is if she can help it#and like girl i fucking get it i am a miserable bitch believe you me everything pisses me off! i hate life i hate existing!#but like at least i have the decency to not make it everyone else's problem! damn i'm not her mama i'm not the one#responsible for her existence so why does she have to take it out on me!? she even takes it out on her son she makes him insane#and he sure as shit isn't responsible for her existence nah it's the other way around. so i don't fucking understand what anyone else owes#her!!!!!#but damn if she's so miserable i could help her and i would in a heartbeat and she fucking hates my guts.
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love when I go back to reassess smth and wind up finding exactly what I want/need for a much more reasonable price. I'll still be far too depleted but at least I won't go completely bankrupt, lol.
#my mom is insisting I buy personal hygiene shit; bc she says she'd be payin for it whenever she went shopping anyways#it feels weird tho; especially since she also insisted on house shoes for myself (which. again. mind are literally falling apart at-#this point; and I wouldn't be surprised if they were rotting a little bit too)#god I wish I had disposable income; I'd buy all kinds of shit that I would've been appalled at even the idea of wanting as a child#I'd love some socks. and pants. and underwear and bras. and maybe even a cheap perfume if I'm feeling extra indulgent.#hedonism lol#ofc I feel a little stressed out too bc Banjo has started with HIS problem today and I can't do anything about that#like it's technically not my responsibility but nobody else CAN do it (barring the one person who I know for sure WON'T do it-#bc he didn't even want to do it for his OWN damn animals; I still think that Lilith might not have gotten such a dire diagnosis if-#she had been getting preventative care like she was supposed to)#ugh. I want to win the lottery. but to do that you have to play; and to play you have to pay; and most of the time you risk wasting money#it's a fucking crapshoot; my god
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“Look at you you’re such a doll you’re so cute and the things you talk about are so entertaining and lively and fun and you’re soft spoken with a soft heart it makes people want to stay with you …apart from when you complain”
THAAAANK YOU ! You see this is why I never speak. I have been hearing this complaint from everybody. Am I as a human being not allowed to be upset and complain about things ?! This is why I bottle everything up. Ykw it’s my fault for that because I AM easy to talk to so it invites everyone even those who are intolerant to everything. Let me get mad let me be upset and complain UGH.
#and those slew of compliments mean nothing to me anyways because I do not remotely believe any of them I’m afraid#dora daily#she makes me seem like an angel but if that were the case I’d have hoards of people begging to talk to me and be my friend but that’s not#the case. in fact it’s the opposite and I have to beg for even one interaction#and I literally looked at a window with my reflection on it today and I felt like crying from how ugly I felt so the ‘doll’ and ‘cute’#comments just sound taunting to me even tho ik she means it#the thing is my body like my neck down is OKAY even tho I’m so short it looks rlly ugly#but I’m willing to forgive that#if looking at my face didn’t feel like pouring acid on my eyes#UGH#I wish I could put a paper bag on my head when I leave the house#and the thing is no make up can change the fact that I will feel ugly for a long time or even forever#no amount of outfits that look more grown up will change the fact people call me a child or even a baby or smth because then it feels like#I’m playing dress up with outfits that aren’t FOR me that look like I stole them from somebody else#point is even having the nicest outfits won’t do anything because I have nice and cool clothes it’s just the fact that they’re on ME makes#them instantly ugly#and to think this severe self loathing in terms of appearance came from the person who just gave me those compliments ; my mum#when she used to say (for unrelated reasons) that I am attributed with masculinity#and ik it’s not her saying I have masculine features cause if I did she would’ve said so#it’s just she was referring to something else#that I don’t want to recount here. and to me anyone attributing any masculine trait onto me turns me hysterical soooo#🦅🦅🦅
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it's taken literal ages but gioele has finally started madoka and i've cried already and he. is dubious abt it and not in love which is fine but he's asking all the right questions and it makes me so happy
#doesn't like kyubey. thinks homura is secretely a good guy. wonders why the witches are called witches even tho they look nothing like .#hmm. they look nothing like Anything at all. he was just like why won't someone simply wish to get rid of all the witches???? oooo boy#oh nay#i don't remember if i ever gave an update abt jjk but we finished it and he hates the last episode so much he almost forgot how good#everything else was. but also he's so impressed they could stretch One night's incident into a whole season without making it#be Bad. for the most part. has its lows but still good. he likes it ofc he likes it a lot#but. madoka. he has to like madoka or else#literally. the amount of work i'm doing to translate the subtitles and download every episode i swear to god boy
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what do u call it when someone is very much not feeling good physically but doesn't care about themselves enough to admit that they're actually sick and need some rest? anti-munchausen syndrome? idk but all i know is i got it and best believe every single time my friends, family and coworkers have scolded me for pushing myself too hard when i should be recuperating and resting
#like yes i'm feeling weak#but am i tho?#am i fr weak because i'm sick or am i weak because i'm a little bitch and i just can't handle a daily commute ykwim?#like whenever literally anybody else is feeling remotely under the weather#i get motherly like no! stay home! rest! don't do anything! just lay down and sleep! if i see u so much as lift a pen i swear to god!#whereas#i could be literally on the brink of death and i'll just be like oh! sorry guys hehe no no no i'm fine i swear! don't worry about me!#i swear this is just a minor fluke! i can totally go to work! no worries. u want me to climb everest in this state? sure thing! (●'◡'●)#i wish it didn't take an army for me to just Rest but also i have a lot of guilt and i don't like letting others down#or letting others carry my weight#anyway#just me?#HAHAH
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Hm
#my posts#look yes i keep making at least one post like this a day and it will continue but its either letting it out or i have no idea#also in my defense y believe most of my mutuals arent up so it is peak time to post about feeling like shit#my plan isnt for someone to read these its for the bullshit to get out and try to not get to the point shit hits the fan#anyways man teen me would be so fucking disappointed by so many things the mere fact we are still alive would make them livid#and alive and living like this?#probably if they knew it was gonna be like this it would have happened lmao#they would just think we are a coward and a dumbass who can't do anything right tbh but they did know then too it's not knew#if it was new we wouldn't be here wouldn't we. why am i referring to is in plural it's just two dif timed mes#but yeah they are probably like 'hey of you are gonna keep living at least you could do it in a way no one regrets it' but alas we do#and we will keep regretting it bc our death won't be our choice. the deadline for it was extended until we were 20 and it's long closed#.... things are getting worse tho they put true but like. that isn't an option anymore lmao it sucks tbh#... i don't have anything else to say that isn't repeating it#i. do wish it was still an option idek why it isn't anymore it's some stupid arbitrary rule#i hate this. it's like. i really don't do a single thing that could make any version of me proud of myself#not teen me not child me not current me. none of us is okay with whatever the fuck i have going on and yet!#.man. I've spent all day tired and wanting to cry for nothing particular but also for literally everything so like#that would fix me. i don't know how to make it happen#... I'm gonna go to sleep#i need my phone to finish charging but that'll be over soon#so yeah I'll. go to sleep soon
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#I'm just so frustrated with my college#i really wish i could love it but i don't and it makes me feel all sorts of bad#because it's just the whole wrong time#i'm not in a phase in my life that studying is good for me#i just want to make my money and do my things and be ok#but i feel like it is a barrier in my life and it frustrates e#i feel like i'm robbing someone' s opportunity even tho it doesn' tmakes sense#if i could use this time i'd try to work my skills at a home office night job so i could work afternoon and night#but i can't engage myself in anything else because i have to study#which i'm not doing well because literally thinking about it gives me anxiety#so yeah what to i do this is not for me i cant give up#yeah#personal#tired
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