#i wish it was that easy to just be able to do it but i'm also anxious and scared and nothing is certain in my life rn

[autumnsvixen]

Damaged - part 1

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Azriel x f! reader

When the high lord sent Cassian to Ironcrest to recruit females to train, he was never expecting Cassian to bring something, or someone, back.

Word Count: 2093 Warnings: misogyny, violence, blood, use of knives, physical abuse, this is taking place in an Illyrian war camp so read with caution. I'm serious, it gets pretty dark and violent.

A/N: this is part one of a slow-burn Az fic I have in the works. I know you don’t see much of Az here, but I promise it is coming. And it will be well worth the angst wait.

masterlist || request guidelines

You stood by the training mat, eyes fixed as you were entranced by the male in the ring. His moves were graceful as he handled his sword with a precision you’d only seen in the birds that dive to the nearby lake as they hunt their aquatic prey. He swung towards invisible enemies, cutting them down with ease. As you watched him, you could only wish you could one day carry yourself with the same easy danger as he did. The males in the camp barely spared him a glance, and those who did had looks of disgust and anger on their faces.

Your trance was broken by the harsh sound of your brother’s voice, “Y/N, stop watching that bastard play pretend and get back inside. Shouldn’t you be washing my training leathers?”

Your shoulders stiffened as you moved your eyes from the training ring to the snow-covered ground below you. You mustered out a small, “apologies, I was meant to be fetching water for the wash. I just got distracted.”

He inched closer to you, the smell of sweat and grime pulling a gag from your throat that you swallowed down. His tone was quiet but harsh, “if I ever catch you looking at that brute again, I will show you what a real male can do with a sword.”

Your breath hitched, but you nodded obediently, running off to fetch water from the well on the outskirts of camp.

As you were pulling the bucket back up towards you, you were once again frightened by the sound of a male voice behind you, “I know you were watching me earlier.”

Your heart quickened as you turned, the bucket shaking in your hands, “I didn’t mean to offend you, sir, I apologize.”

The male with the long dark hair smiled softly at you, “no need to apologize. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to train with me tomorrow. You’re the only one here who seems like a worthy mentee.”

With wide eyes, you looked up at him fully, taking in the red glow of his siphons and the rich hazel of his eyes. “I would love that, but I am far too busy with my chores and my brother wouldn’t like it if I were to forego them to train with you.”

He stepped closer to you, a kind softness in his eyes, “If it’s your brother you are worried about, I can ensure you I will protect you from any backlash you might face.”

If only he knew what kind of backlash your brother had been known to give out. You shook your head, “I know that you and your high lord have imposed your laws about female training, but it is still strictly… discouraged in this camp.”

He looked angry at your words, an expression which faded into pity as he took in your trembling form. “If your brother has a problem with you training under his general, I will gladly speak with him. I’m sure we can come to an agreement.”

“All due respect, general, you won’t be the one facing the brunt of his anger.”

He rolled his shoulders back, “then let me teach you how to defend yourself against him. He won’t hurt you while I am here.”

You hesitate, knowing you truly wanted nothing more than to learn how to fight, how to protect yourself against the males who had threatened you throughout your existence. He sees this and continues, “if you decide you want to take me up on my offer, meet me in the training ring 2 hours before dawn. That way, your brother won’t even know you’re gone, and you will still be able to complete your chores.”

With a respectful dip of your head, you breeze past the war general with the bucket still in your hands.

You don’t meet him in the ring the next day, or the following day. Despite the longing you felt to train, you couldn’t overcome the fear of your brother’s anger. It was in the early morning of the third day, as you stood by the dish basin in your family home and watched the war general train through the window, that you decided you would join him. You had only meant to be distracted for a moment, allowing yourself a glimpse of his routine, but you had been entranced once again. Your brother had caught you staring, anger coating his eyes.

With a hot hand, he grabbed your arm and spun you around, the dish falling from your hand and into the tub. His other hand met your throat, squeezing tightly. “What did I say about watching him train, little sister?”

Your eyes were wide with fear as you struggled to breathe, body frozen in terror. Your brother brought the hand not on your throat to your hip, sliding under your shirt so you could feel the cold metal of a blade against your skin.

You tried to speak, to apologize, but the grasp on your neck was too tight to allow any noise to leave your mouth. The sharp sting on your hip brought tears to your eyes as he carved a long line across your stomach. It wasn’t deep enough to seriously wound you, but you knew there would most likely be a scar.

He smiled wickedly down at you, bringing the bloodied knife to your cheek. He swiped it across your skin before leaning close to your ear, hot disgusting breath hitting your skin. “Now be a good little sister and clean yourself up. Then get back to work.”

The grip on your neck disappeared and you gasped for breath, holding onto the edge of the basin behind you for stability. As you regained your composure enough to grab a nearby rag, you made your decision. No matter what, your villainous brother would find a way to hurt you. The only thing you could do for yourself was learn to fight back.

You had hoped that Cassian would be pleased to see you in the early hours of the morning the next day, but you were instead met with a look of concern.

“What happened to your face?”

You shrugged off his question, “you told me you could teach me how to defend myself, right?”

His mouth morphed into a grimace as he took in your week appearance, the inflamed pink mark across your cheek. After a few moments, he nodded, “I hope you’re ready to work.”

You found that, despite the bruises and soreness that had made their home on your body, you enjoyed Cassian’s training. He pushed you enough to help you grow, but not so far that you would regress into the fear that had consumed your entire body throughout your life. He respected your boundaries, and never asked you to explain when you would show up to train with new cuts along your face or arms.

But any fool could tell he was furious about them. You had made it clear you wouldn’t talk about them and that you didn’t want him interfering, and he was too scared that you would stop coming if he did. Out of anger, or because you would be left in a state so poor you’d be unable to train, you both weren’t sure.

One day, the two of you had gotten distracted, and training had lasted just a bit longer than it normally would. As you were heading off the training mat, you caught a glimpse of your brother’s watchful eyes through the window of your cabin. They held an icy fury, and you knew what was to come as soon as you got home. You thought to ask Cassian to accompany you, but knew that if you didn’t face your brother now, it would only be worse later.

To your surprise, your brother said nothing as you carefully entered the house. You watched him warily, as he didn’t even spare a glance in your direction. You quickly changed into your household clothes before starting quietly on your chores, jumping at the sound of the front door slamming shut as your brother left for the day.

The entire day, you were on edge. Chores had taken you less time than normal due to your anxiety quickening your hands. You were on your way to the market to trade the coins your brother earned as a blacksmith for meats and new gloves for him, as he had requested, when you were stopped by three looming figures.

You recognized them as your brothers friends, males who had come around to your home to get drunk with your brother and make gross, degrading comments towards you as you served them. Then, their eyes had been filled with lust and entitlement. Now, they were filled only with rage.

“Your brother said you’ve been training with that bastard general.” One of the males said.

Another spoke, “weak females like you don’t get to train.” He reached out to grab your shoulder, pushing you to the cold, hard ground.

“If you think you’re strong enough to fight like us males, why don’t we test out your skills?” The third one spoke as fear washed over your body. You pushed yourself up to your hands so you were sitting, looking up at them.

The second male’s foot made contact with your side as he kicked you harshly, sending you back to the ground. Though you had been training with Cassian, he had only been helping you build muscle and endurance, not to fight. Not yet.

Another of the males swung his legs on either side of your waist, pinning you underneath him. His hands wrapped around your throat, cutting your oxygen supply off. You struggled underneath him, trying to bring your knees up to harm him, but another of the males stomped on your ankle before you could.

A splintering pain traveled up your leg at the impact, bones cracking underneath his foot. You tried to cry out in pain, but no noise would come out.

The lack of oxygen was causing your vision to go blurry, hands scratching at the male’s to loosen the grip around your throat. He obliged, but you quickly realized it wasn’t from your pleading. His friend passed him a dagger, which he swiftly brought to your neck.

“C’mon little girl, didn’t your bastard teach you anything?” His voice was filled with disgust and anger, his breath reeking of ale. Your heartbeat was a swift and constant thud in your chest, echoing the fear you felt.

A scream left your lips as he plunged the dagger into your chest, just under your collarbone. You could nearly feel the blade scrape the bone as it entered you. You tried to push him off, but the other males placed their feet on your arms, keeping you locked into place. The male on top of you took his free hand to cover your mouth. “Hush, good girls don’t scream.”

Tears poured from your eyes as he removed the bloodied dagger from your chest before swiftly bringing it back down again, this time into your side. You screamed against his hand, the pain overwhelming you.

He continued his ministrations, plunging the blade into your middle, avoiding your heart and lungs narrowly, but not caring about anything else. You lost track of the pain, mind and body going numb as you let the frozen fear take over you.

At some point, it stopped. You would later vaguely recall a flash of red and the sound of men in pain, but in the moment you could barely remember your own name.

A male kneeled over you, concern in his hazel eyes and long hair brushing against your face. You groaned out of instinct, not pain, when he picked you up, your head lolling to rest on his shoulder as he took off.

“Don’t you dare fall asleep on me,” he said harshly to you over the roaring of the wind in your ears. You vaguely recognized that you were flying, a feeling so instinctual yet so unfamiliar to you, despite the large wings on your back.

The next things you remember happened in flashes. A dark male with bright, violet eyes taking hold of your hand, a castle surrounded by balconies and arches, a soft bed and warm hands spreading magic throughout your body, your bones clicking back into place, and a dark figure who seemed to be more shadow than fae.

It was him you thought of as the same darkness that surrounded him filled your vision and you were overtaken by a dreamless sleep.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

Meig's Official Paleontologist Review of Amber Isle

This game is so accessible. I tend to use cheaters/trainers a lot in most video games because I'm a Busy Adult Without Countless Hours To Spend Grinding In Video Games - but I don't need them in Amber Isle. They also don't exist for Amber Isle, but still - I'm not wishing I had them the whole time. It's especially "ADHD time blindness" friendly

THE CHARACTERS ARE SO CUTE HOLY FUCK they all have such interesting and unique personalities and they are just so precious. I must protect Kipper at all costs.

Yes, you're a shopkeeper, but you don't have to be a raging capitalist. In fact, in many ways, it's better for the game to undercharge people / pay more for things they sell you / give lots of gifts in order to bump up your friendship with the community; it's very easy to get money in the game and you really don't need to be stingy or go for huge profits in order to win

I LOVE THAT THEY ARE CALLED "PALEOFOLK". Not a single character is called a dinosaur that isn't a dinosaur, unlike other paleo games *cough paleo pines cough*. And because they aren't limiting themselves to the Mesozoic, there's a nice interesting variety of prehistoric critters for the characters.

It's so much fun that your character is also a Paleofolk and that there's so many options. I wish we could wear pants, but other than that...

The taxon balancing needs a *wee* bit of work. Since they can do the Paleozoic and Cenozoic, it's ironically too dinosaur-heavy; and those dinosaurs are a little biased and don't include anything more derived than Archaeopteryx, which is... a mistake. I recognize the devs had a challenge in picking the right charismatic fauna, but still. Honestly, this problem is easily solved: just add more paleofolk!

That said it is so nice to have a game with Maiasaura :3

The world is beautiful and so much fun to explore

The calendar is way too long. WAY too long. Has anyone actually gotten to year 2? Because I haven't. Also it's windy too much. The weather should be more varied.

I would love for info about different objects to come up when you're going through them so it's easier to make sure the items you're displaying are balanced and so you know what to recommend for different customer requests

The main quest is a little short, so it would be nice for more content to be added to it in the future. I'd also love to be able to have more adventures and activities when hanging out with paleofolk

Once again, a game without romance. Hooray! No pansexual crises!

PEPPER x CLOVER FOR LIFE. L. I. F. E.

Definitely worth playing. It is super fun and super cute. Check it out at @ambertailgames!

My Paleo Pines Review

My Roots of Pacha Review

[putschki1969]

🇹🇭YKL vol.#20 ～Asia Tour 20th Special SETLIST～　【Bangkok】 Live Report🇹🇭

Wow, what a week it has been. My Thailand trip was an exciting but very exhausting experience. I'm finally back home and after spending an entire day just relaxing on Tuesday, I feel somewhat ready to tackle this live report. I'm back to work and there's a lot to do but I still want to post as much as possible before I lose all of my motivation. Still took me several days to finish this so I am sorry for the delay🙏 I'll start with some general stuff from the day of the live and then continue with a detailed report. Without further ado, let's get to it〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Before The Live

The concert was held on November 15th at Bangkok Union Hall. At that point I had already been in Thailand for two and a half days doing all sorts of Kalafina and touristy stuff. Needless to say, I was quite exhausted from my previous activities (more on that in a future post) but I was determined to enjoy the day to the fullest. The only major thing planned for that day was a meet-up with some fellow fans to get lunch and dinner so thankfully, nothing too strenuous. Although one could argue that social interactions like this are always a big struggle for me :P Anyway, I headed to the venue quite early in the morning to meet my friends. We were doing some last-minute shopping at a nearby mall to complete the presents for Keiko and Hikaru. Also, we wanted to check out our flower stand which had been put up earlier that morning. I was beyond happy to participate in this particular flower stand project. The HiKei chibis turned out super cute and the banner was also adorable (just look at little Moo Deng🦛). I'm a little bummed though that I didn't get to take the cardboard print home with me since the girls requested the flower stand to be brought to their dressing room after the live (initially, we had planned to take all the decorative stuff off the flower stand after the concert before the flower shop picked it up but alas, it wasn't meant to be). Oh well, we got all those sweet pics with Keiko and Hikaru so that pretty much erased any feelings of disappointment. Thankfully, I got my acrylic key-holders and stickers as a little consolation. I will certainly treasure them forever. During the meet-up with some fellow fans, I also got a bunch of presents, including some gorgeous fan-made articles for the two lives in China. Honestly, I feel so blessed to have received all of this. Thank you so much to everyone who thought of me!

Speaking of fellow fans, I appreciated everyone who came up to me to say "hi". I was also very happy about all the yummy souvenirs. The suncakes from Taiwan saved my life during the following days because I always had a lovely snack to accompany my morning coffee. Sorry if I came across as awkward or reserved to some of you, I am not used to being in big crowds like that and meeting strangers is not among my strengths. Also wish I had gotten more commemorative pics with everyone but oh well, in the heat of the moment it's easy to forget about stuff like that.

For lunch we had planned to go to a Hainanese Chicken place but unfortunately, they didn't have enough room for our group so we ended up going to KFC XD. I forgot to take pictures but our order was honestly not that exciting anyway. I was so eager to try spicy food during my stay in Bangkok but that stuff at KFC was a total let-down (probably our fault though for not looking properly at the menu - they may have had some spicier stuff that we just didn't see). Dinner that day more than made up for it though since my main dish was incredibly delicious. Don't ask me what it was called, it was some sort of fried pork concoction with garlic and chili, simply fabulous and probably one of the best things I had during that trip.

Despite having a lot of fun during these activities, I kinda regret not being able to see anything of the Loy Krathong festivities that day. The weird timing of the concert would have made it very inconvenient to check out any of the festival sites and on top of that there were some bad weather forecasts so no one wanted to risk getting wet😢 It's a real shame but oh well, I guess the live was worth it.

♪The Live♪

Seat

I was very lucky to have dedicated friends who made sure I'd get a VIP front-row seat right across from Keiko's spot on the stage [the picture below was taken at the end of the concert when I was already walking outside so it doesn't properly reflect my point of view - I was seated a little more to the right side]. She was pretty much right in front of me during the entire live so of course, I was in heaven. Taking my eyes off her was a real challenge and at times I honestly felt a little bad for the other singers because I didn't really pay that much attention to them whenever Keiko was on stage. Also, this might make me sound like a perv but I was absolutely mesmerised by Keiko's legs. During her main solo parts she would always turn to the side or turn her back to the audience. Not sure why (maybe because so the audience would focus on her singing rather than her gorgeous face? Or she was a little self-conscious? Who knows). Either way, during these parts her legs were on full display and since her skirt was quite short on one side, you could basically get a glimpse of her tiny safety shorts with every tiny move she made 🫣

One tiny complaint I had was that the stage was quite far away from the audience area and they even felt the need to put up a relatively high metal barrier which created a weird sense of distance despite being all the way up in the front. Nevertheless, the concert felt very intimate to me and I think for that reason, I enjoyed it much more than my past Yuki Kajiura live experiences. I also gained a new appreciation for certain songs that I previously didn't care for all that much. I honestly can't stress this enough, experiencing a concert like this in such an intimate manner is vastly superior to watching a DVD/BD/live stream or even attending it in a spot somewhere further away from the stage. Everything feels and sounds completely different. Your entire body is getting caught in this spectacle and you get a full-on adrenaline rush. It's during these moments when I barely notice any flaws or mishaps. I've been made fun of in the past for always writing these overly positive and raving reviews of concerts but I personally don't even notice half of the bad stuff when I am on such a high. Plus, I don't enjoy lingering on the negative stuff which is why you won't see much of that in any of my reports.

Venue

To be fair, it wasn't a particularly good concert hall, at least in my opinion. The venue was a lot smaller than expected and it felt more like a convention hall rather than a proper concert hall. There are much better venues available in Bangkok but they were probably already booked or too expensive. Also, from what I've heard, the concert tickets didn't sell that well so it was probably a good thing that they stuck with this sort of venue. At any rate, it was very conveniently located at a MRT/BTS station so yay for that. The acoustics were decent enough I guess but nothing to write home about. The sound system could have used some improvements though, I don't think the instruments and vocals were very well-balanced throughout most of the concert. But maybe that could be chalked up to my position in the audience. Just a little disclaimer here, I am not very tech-savvy in that regard but on more than one occasion I noticed that the sound was kinda off...Mind you, not to an extent that would have taken away from my overall enjoyment of the concert but enough for me to notice it several times.

Setlist:

the world: Will always prefer Keiko on main but it is what it is, Joelle on main is fine too. It's a good song so it's a treat to hear it live no matter who is leading. The harmonies at the end didn't quite work for me. Was a bit all over the place. I think the sound system was at fault here.

in the land of twilight, under the moon: Not usually one of my faves but I thoroughly enjoyed this rendition.

vanity: What a blessing to hear this live in concert again! My first time was in Taiwan and I don't think I ever recovered from it. Correct me if I am wrong though but they made a big change during the performance regarding Keiko's epic yayayay part. She flawlessly did her solo of course but then when Joelle starting to sing that final chorus, she didn't continue to sing in the background which she would usually do. I found that very unusual. Also checked the bootleg recordings from the live in China and she did the same thing there too. Huh...Since when did they change it? That was a bit of a bummer to be honest since the very final part felt less epic because of it.

My long forgotten cloistered sleep: So, so good!! Huge fan! Joelle is getting better at it too so I am enjoying her version more and more.

I swear: Wow, what a revelation! I did not expect to suddenly fall in love with this song. I am obviously a huge Keiko-stan but due to her using her cutesy voice in this, it's never really appealed to me. It's always been one of those songs that I preferred to skip during re-watches of home video releases because it didn't really do anything for me. This time though, it felt like Keiko was serenading me specifically (a delusion on my part of course but let me have that little fangirl moment XD). Anyway, this is what I meant earlier. All of a sudden, a song has a new meaning to you and it's only because you get to experience it on such a personal level. The lyrics couldn't be more appropriate: "♪I know, I’m in love♪"

fiction: Not my cup of tea so I tend to skip this but Joelle in particular always does a great job with this song. Her voice is a perfect fit. Definitely my favourite performance so far because I was more into it than usual.

I reach for the sun: Love, love, love.

in the garden of sinners: Damn it, this one hurt so much, I literally almost cried. I don't even really know why but I could barely handle it. All I wanted to hear was Wakana together with Keiko and honestly, it was her voice in my mind, Joelle didn't exist for me in those moments. No matter what happens, I will always associate these melodies with Wakana and Keiko. On one hand, this performance made me incredibly sad but on the other hand, it made me feel even more grateful about the upcoming Kalafina Anniversary Live. Just the thought of hearing the three of them together again is bringing tears to my eyes.

ARIA: What a shame. I knew what to expect of course but it still hurt to hear Joelle sing the chorus. Unlike others, I didn't think that Hikaru sounded all that bad so she could have definitely handled the chorus (especially being backed by Keiko). She might not have sounded her best but who cares?! This is HER song so she should be in the lead. Period. I remember someone saying that Yuki wanted to go back to the original key (more of a speculation, as far as I know, it's not actually confirmed) so she gave the chorus to Joelle but Joelle was kinda struggling with it too so ultimately, we didn't really gain anything from having her in the lead. On a side note, I am just so relieved that Keiko and Joelle didn't do the infamous arm gesture that Wakana and Keiko used to do all the time. All of this sounds rather negative but to be honest, I still liked the performance despite being a little disappointed with the vocal arrangement. it's one of my all-time favourite Kala-songs so it's always a pleasure to hear it.

Magia: By now I am used to the FictionJunction cover version of this and it's really quite good. Solid performance. No notes.

Kimi no Gin no Niwa: Again, good stuff but since I don't particularly like the song it was just okay to me.

ring your bell: Ugghhh, probably my least favourite performance of the night. It's such a difficult song to perform and I honestly don't even like most of Kalafina's live versions but this one was hard to get through. Maybe the sound system was to blame a bit because LINO LEIA's microphone did some weird stuff that made her singing sound worse than it probably was. Plus, I honestly don't think she is a very good fit for the song. Hell, not even Wakana is a good fit for the song 90% of the time. For some reason, LINO LEIA kept using her more generic singing voice when instead, she should've opted for a more controlled head voice. Towards the end we heard a more solid delivery but the rest was unfortunately a bit messy.

to the beginning: Okay I guess. It's certainly one of the better Kalafina covers they do at YKL because Joelle and Yuriko add a lot of dimension. And since I have never been a fan of the song to begin with, it's not like I am missing Wakana too much.

Yasashii Yoake: The See-Saw section of the live was so much more fun than I had expected. Actually really surprised how much I enjoyed it since I am not too familiar with Yuki's old work and don't usually listen to any of it. Also, with Keiko not playing a big role in this corner, I thought I wouldn't be into it. But I guess the songs are just really good with catchy melodies so I couldn't help but like them. Also, my proximity to the stage once again helped me to have a bit more appreciation for the music. All three songs were featured at Kaji Fes. but I don't recall them leaving a huge impression on me. Back then I didn't mind them but I didn't get too excited. This time, I was having a great time from the get-go. Love the Joelle/Yuriko duo here. Joelle's voice works super well for this type of song.

Obsession: I remember not being particularly impressed by the Kaji Fes. performance but the Bangkok version was so cool. LINO LEIA and Keiko did a great job. So cool!! After that rather mediocre "ring your bell" performance, it was nice to hear LINO LEIA sing in a more comfortable range.

Senya Ichiya: Starting to love rito's vocals more and more. She's so criminally underused during these lives. Despite being promoted to "regular" singer, she really doesn't get to do much.

the main theme of “L.O.R.D”: One of my all-time faves. Joelle's best song if you ask me. Will never get tired of hearing it. Although I feel like at this point Joelle had already run out of steam a little because the performance didn't quite hit the spot in terms of oomph-factor. I think it's because Joelle had to carry 90% of the show and was thus running on low-heat towards the end. Still had a blast!

absolute configuration: Love having all the girls on stage for these sort of epic battle songs. Gorgeous harmonies.

luminous sword: Same as above. Perfect transition and a lovely continuation of the epicness.

蒼穹のファンファーレ: Typically not one of my favourite songs but yet again, I found myself enjoying it more than I usually would. The heat on stage was contagious so I simply got swept away in the excitement.

En. the image theme of Xenosaga II: Don't remember much of this but it was nice.

En.nowhere: Wow, wow, wow! What an amazing performance. So much more energised than during the Kaji Fes concert. Definitely one of the songs where I very much appreciated my closeness to the stage. I could really feel the heat and had such a blast, especially when Keiko began to really interact with the audience. Almost made me want to stand up but in the end, I remained seated (really not the type to move a lot during a concert). I have to agree with everyone who has already shared their thoughts on the other Asia live performances, this was definitely one of the highlights for Hikaru as far as her vocal delivery was concerned. Her voice was very powerful here.

En.into the world: I love that this has become almost a staple of YKL. It's such a gorgeous song with a beautiful message and I think Joelle as well as Yuriko manage to improve the overall harmonies with their added vocals.

[bigfan-fanfic]

I'll Show You the Ropes (Male!Reader x Iron Bull)

@jayfeather965 Could you please write a story on a session where Iron Bull helps his boyfriend the inquisitor relax after a particularly hard day. First sexually but then Bull and bf have genuinely sweet pillow talk. (I would imagine that maybe it’s after the winter palace and the duchess’s death. )

"It's hard, isn't it?" Bull sighs, rubbing your shoulders. "I'm sorry you've had a tough time."

"I... I just feel like it's hard for me to do anything, really. Everything is just-"

Bull pulls you against him into a tight hug.

"I get it, Kadan. You feel powerless. That everything's been out of your control. That nothing feels easy."

He gently caresses the back of your head, and you melt against him.

"So what's your remedy? Tie me up again?" You chuckle.

"Sort of. But not exactly."

You lean back as the Iron Bull stands and retrieves his ropes. "I want you to feel in control. I want you to feel powerful."

You tilt your head at him. "I don't need you to be weak to feel strong."

He chuckles. "It's not like that. I won't be weak. I want to make you feel strong by giving you my power."

"I don't know how to do what you do."

"Don't worry. I'll teach you, Kadan."

You have no desire to sleep, so the Iron Bull spends the night teaching you how to bind him, to render him helpless.

He finds it tough, at first - harder than he expected. It's one thing to want to give in and help, and quite another to actually give up control.

But he teaches you the simplest of the Ben-Hassrath's ties. It keeps the captive's arms in place or threatens them with the possibility of choking themselves.

You secure his wrists behind him in bright red rope, running parallel to each other.

You tug the cord up and taut before wrapping it around one of his huge biceps, making a secure loop there before going over the opposite shoulder, and loosely around the neck, over that shoulder.

Back to the other bicep, around and around, and back down to the wrists, forming a simple but beautiful diamond.

Had you the inclination and the extra rope, you could see the possibility of tying rope in such a way that you could weave the Qunari symbol into that diamond.

It's such a simple tie, but truly effective. You watch him roll his massive shoulders, his back stretching and rippling, and the rope subtly tightens until his hands return to their original position.

It's uncompromising. He is truly under control.

"I have to admit, Kadan..." Bull says, a little breathless from the intensity of the feelings coursing through him. "This is very hot."

You kiss him, his body flexing under your hands, and you take charge, able to do whatever you wish to him - to taste and touch and caress and pinch and tickle and kiss and-

He asks you to leave his wrists tied after you undo the harness. and he sleeps on his stomach, you curled next to him.

"You're my Kadan, you know? Part of how we see the Qun is taking care of others. Because we're all part of each other. But... if I'm being honest... I really do feel like you're a part of me.

"So that's why... why I want to give up control to you sometimes. Because I trust you. Because I want you to feel powerful and strong. I want you to know that I can give that to you. That I'm not just taking advantage of you."

"Awwww, Bull, I knew that already. I... I really like being with you. I really care about you too."

You kiss him, and watch his eye flutter closed.

"Now why don't you let me out and I can really show you my appreciation?" He chuckles, only to grin behind your hand when you cover his mouth.

"I think I have some more interesting ideas in mind, Kadan..."

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

[icewindandboringhorror]

"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

[invcntions]

it feels a little better to hear norah say she understands, the guilt that presses against his chest alleviating ever so slightly to know he isn't the only one aware of how different things may have been were it not for his brother — they would still be together, there's no part of him which doubts that. he wants to argue back at her comment, deny that she's lost everything even if cooper knows he'll never be able to understand how she feels — it certainly felt like he had done when she'd disappeared. “ i'm sorry. ” he shakes his head gently. “ i know it isn't that easy, i do. i just... i wish you hadn't been a part of it. i should have gone with him, that should never have been your responsibility. ” even if he understood why she had done, and he'd loved her for it. “ i can't ask you to do that. ” he sighs gently, lips pulling up in to the faint suggestion of a smile. “ but, uh — it probably would help. ”

listens to him quietly, pearly whites biting the inside of her cheek. she'd be lying if said that the thought had never crossed her mind before. in a way, it was ashton's fault they found themselves on that plane, but that was it. the rest of it had been out of his control, and besides, she had been the one suggesting it, hadn’t she? no one forced her into it. she could’ve backed out, made a hundred excuses, feigned an illness or some unavoidable obligation. but she hadn’t. " i get it, " she murmured, a sad smile resting on his lips. " there were times i wanted to blame him too, i mean if he hadn't changed his mind, we wouldn't have been on that plane, i wouldn't have lost everything. " arms cross over her chest as she shakes her head. " but it wasn't his fault, cooper. it's just easier to have someone to blame and ash doesn't deserve that. " the brunette points out with a soft sigh. " it's not that easy, trust me. addiction, it’s a beast," she finishes, her voice a mere whisper. "it doesn’t care who it tears apart, doesn’t care how strong you think you are. once it’s got a grip on you…" Her voice trails off, and she looks away, blinking quickly. "i can be there. if that'll help you two to finally talk things through, i'll do it."

[sysig]

Roleswap(?) (Patreon)

[raspberrybluejeans]

:(

[tvrningout-a]

hopefully tomorrow is different, but today's just been a bad brain and body day all around. i'm so low energy rn that i wanna weep and lay in one spot asdf i'm trying!! to brainstorm some more lore bc that stuff excites me so much!! but even that feels like a chore, and i guess the point of this post is i love y'all!! and pls take care of yourselves when you don't feel well!! i accomplished some things today -- way more than i should have, considering how i feel rn. but if i hadn't, that would've been okay, and it's okay that i can't motivate myself atm. everyone's going to have bad days, and it's really important that we're kind to ourselves when that happens. pls remember that <3

[lewishamiltonstuff]

💔

[sepiasys]

Having a headache is such a pain. Literally.

I am bothered by the fact that we are still awake. Why is this? What is keeping us from sleeping? I do not understand. Perhaps we sh- no. Okay.

This is still irritating. <-(is not 'irritated')

[quadrantadvisor]

I'm taking adderall for the first time in two years and my brain is freaking out but in a different way from before so.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[whispering-kavka]

the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell

[freckleslikestars]

I was getting frustrated yesterday that I haven't completed writing anything in ages, despite doing a lot of, you know, writing. And I was talking with my friend about it and about how I just feel so creatively overwhelmed at the moment that I just can't seem to actualise conclusions. And I sat down and counted out all of the things going on in my head at the moment, and like...it's actually ridiculous.

I have nine - 9 - choreographies—for a variety of different styles and performances—I'm actively working on, and two that I've kind of side-barred but am still occasionally playing with. I have two painting passion projects that I'm working on, and one birthday present that I'm painting. I have a semi-regular photography freelancing gig. I have a thing that I can't talk about until I know it's gonna happen but I've kind of started plucking away at that, and that's taking up a solid 20% of my brain's processing power at any given moment. I have several birthday presents for friends that I'm making that are an afternoon away from being done but that I just can't find an afternoon for. I'm currently making my friend a spreadsheet that gives detailed, timestamped, colour-coded trigger warnings for every single episode of Hannibal, along with the occasional meta in the margins (or just me rambling about how hot women are). I have four pretty hefty fanfics that I'm actively working on, two of which are multifics and none of which will be done soon. I have so many gifsets I want to make. I'm still needing to make Billcat's headstone for her grave: she passed a year and a half ago and I still haven't gotten around to doing the very simple slab of concrete.

And like. That's all stuff on top of work and the classes I teach and trying to manage the household bills and trying to support my friends whilst they're dealing with personal shit and trying to deal with my own personal shit and dealing with the regular burnout and the autistic burnout and I'm realising I really just need to cut myself some slack.

And I need a fuckin break.

[sugaredoleander]

i'm so blorbo-fiable, actually. unfortunate for me as i'm not a character as far as i'm aware, and in real life that's a recipe for misery that i have to actually go to therapy and Do The Work about. but i really would make for an excellent blorbo