#i wish i was able to manage my money so im able to buy a few things i want while still having enough just incase..

[sanjisboyfie]

one piece smau: married to franky edition

ー franky def a chronic emoji user

liked by frankys.favorite, dni_nami, and 9k others

SUPERLOVER: i love treating my husband out for dinner hes my entire world 😍🥰❤️💘

tagged: frankys.favorite

dni_nami: this is what i mean when i say get urself a man w money bc wdym u managed a res at this fancy ass restaurant ????

uso_pp: so this is what u skipped boys night for 🙄🙄🙄

-> roro.zoro: at ur grown age...

-> freeluffy: WHAT DO U MEAN BT THAT ZORO

-> SUPERLOVER: NO ILOVE U GUYS STILL BUT I LOVE MY HISBAND MORE

[liked by frankys.favorite, dni_nami, ans 90 others]

frankys.favorite: i love u sm handsome

-> SUPERLOVER: hehehe (//∇//)

liked by SUPERLOVER, freeluffy, and 10k others

frankys.favorite: best details about my husband

tagged: SUPERLOVER

SUPERLOVER: YOU CAN PUT AS MANY STICKERS ON MY TITTIES AS U WANT BBYBOY I LOVE YOU 😫😫😫🫶🏼🤭🤭😻🤖🤖🤖

-> frankys.favorite: 😭😭

-> robinkills: i need u to restrict the usage of emojis on your phone. its getting insane.

dni_nami: whyd i get frankys whole ass tit on my tl bruh

uso_pp: imma bite that 🤭🤭🤭

-> SUPERLOVER: [name]'s done this several times and ive yet to feel anything 😎

-> uso_pp: ayo????

princesanji: a hello kitty tattoo is crazy

-> frankys.favorite: ur def the type to have cinnamoroll tattooed on ur hipbone dont even try it

liked by robinkills, iceburg, and 10k others

dni_nami: literally told these two to not set off the fireworks and look at them kissing it up. absolutely shameless.

tagged: SUPERLOVER and frankys.favorite

frankys.favorite: what do u mean it was a great light show namiii

-> SUPERLOVER: I MUST AGREE IUR FIREWORKS SHOW WAS SUPPPPERRRR BEAUTIFUL

-> dni_nami: no. it was SUPERRRR disruptive for the whole street

SUPERLOVER: look at my handsome baby. his pretty face👻👻

-> roro.zoro: ur emoji selections r always so unsettling

princesanji: their marraige was a match made in heaven w the way they both are constantly ruining everyone elses night

[liked by SUPERLOVER, frankys.favorite, and 90 others]

liked by SUPERLOVER, dni_nami, and 13k others

frankys.favorite: get urself a buff man like mine holyyyy shiitttt

tagged: SUPERLOVER

SUPERLOVER: GET YOURSELF A SEXY MAN LIKE MINE HEHEHE 🫸🏼🫷🏼i love u so much

-> frankys.favorite: ❤️

uso_pp: NOOO WHEN U TWO START THIRSTING FOR EACH OTHER U DONT EVER FUCKING STOPPPP

-> dni_nami: time to mute the both of them

freeluffy: i wonder how someone so old like franky is able to keep his body so muscley

-> SUPERLOVER: im not even that old luffy what the fuck

-> freeluffy: ur like 50

-> frankys.favorite: hes 36????

-> freeluffy: same thing!!! :DDD

roro.zoro: how the fuck r u shaped like a dorrito

-> SUPERLOVER: i was crafted by the hands of my lover and molded into be the perfect man for him.

-> roro.zoro: FOR FUCKS SAKE.

liked by frankys.favorite, dni_nami, uso_pp, and 11k others

SUPERCOLA: finally was able to take my baby out to get him a new car 🏁🚙

tagged: frankys.favorite

frankys.favorite: thank u sm EVEN THO I TOLD U MULTIPLE TIMES U DIDNT HAVE TO but thank u so much i love u

-> SUPERLOVER: of course YOURE MY NUMBER ONE RIDE OR DIE i need to show u how much i love u 💍 i wish i could buy more than this because you deserve so much more my love

[liked by uso_pp, robinkills, and 200 others]

robinkills: this is crazy. but i love it for u two, absolute sweethearts

uso_pp: what about me franky 🥺🥺🥺

freeluffy: i wanr a car too franky 🥺🥺🥺

ttchopper: i want my own car too franky 🥺🥺🥺

frankys.favorite's story

me n my husband vs the world <3

SUPERLOVER replied to your story: u rlly had the time to snap a pic after all we did last night??? ur crazy and ily

[boxheadpaint]

hungry but not much to eat and tgen mildly depressing news, ok. obviously this is worsened by being hungry and not medicated yet. decide instead to go back to bed and lie to still to use up energy and sleep through hunger. Somehow this does not work and just end up more tired and more hungry. And still havent taken meds. my thrilling life. dove noises outside tho. wait i havent done a diary post in a bit hang on lemme rev up here.

ok back. Collapsed while cooking because im intwlligent, but did enjoy a good meal with my partner. watched some Star Trek while my body refused to regain energy so as to take a shower, and had to take a shower anyway. Have been much less depressed lately, though have been dealing with constant daytime fatigue for some reason. Im mr fall asleep. going to get groceries later today thank goodness

current goal in pokerogue because of course. Like obviously yes shiny farming but also at this point im trying to make the most disgusting dog possible. Behold

Completely and utterly nasty thing.

im not sure how to get back into digital art sooner rather than later, my computer has become immensely annoying to use. Beyond having to prop it by hand because of lack of back panel, it also heats up a bunch very quickly and the cursor is Still an irritating molecule off center to me- likely because of the angle I have to look at when it’s laying flat from no adequate support.

I don’t want to ditch digital completely because of some minor inconveniences but my patience with the machine has been wearing thin for a long while now. at least it’s not giving me notifications to update to windows 11. Like fuck off and such.

Lately I find myself more and more mad about advertisements and marketing. Beyond the disruptive nature of these things and the wastefulness theyre also straight up stupid and just make things look worse by existing. It doesn’t matter how many different ads for reeses you show me with the bojack guy over them, and in fact the more I see them the more likely I am to just say the governments putting poison shit in it so people will stop buying them. Also fuck everything that charges more money for a gluten free version of a product

come June im going on a ride up north and visiting my sister briefly, which I look forward to. There was some miscommmunication about days so I thot I was going to be able to hang out with her for a full day on her weekend, but it turned out that was unavailable and it made me upset. still, even if it’s just for a few hours after her shift ill be happy to spend any time with her. I miss being just a room away from her at a given moment sometimes and wish I could have appreciated that time more, though I know a part of why I didn’t was the house itself and its effect on me. Swagless really

anyway somehow I managed to be up until 3 am once again. Im marking the date down as today even if I started this post yesterday. Hoping to relax and get good news soon, or at least neutral news. News of a sort

5/18/2024, the dog is also several levels higher now than pictured. Like by a lot

[schizopositivity]

how do you deal with knowing you need medication but not trusting the pharmaceutical industry?

i.e. “they just want to make us sick so we keep buying medicine, it’ll just harm & give me brain damage”

i have a few different ways i can answer this, so ill just say them all so you can have options on what feels nice for you to think about (also i wanna say this is a totally valid fear and you should never be ashamed to express this idea to the people in your life).

•the pharmaceutical industry is highly regulated, everything must be approved before going out to the public through clinical trials that prove the med is more affective than placebo.

•most meds are adminsitered by drs and pharmacists, who are real people that usually care about helping other people and theres so many of them, you would think if any had a reason to doubt meds as a whole they would say something or quit.

•there are countless real testimonies of real people saying how meds have worked for them and improved their lives.

•for me personally meds were life changing, specifically antipsychotics, i couldnt function or surivive well without them, since being on them for years i have such a greater quality if life and thats why i stand by meds.

•not all meds are needed for your whole life. ive known plently of people who have been on antidepressants or different meds that over time didnt need them anymore or even drs suggesting they stop them because they can be fine without them. if they wanted to keep you on meds to keep you sick they wouldnt do that.

•some meds youll just have to be on for the rest of your life, not because they dont work, just that the symptoms it helps with will always be there and will always need managing. some people need to be on medication to even just survive, if it werent for the meds theyde be far worse off. and for me ill always be schizophrenic, ill probably always need to be on antipsychotics because they improve my life a lot and without them i wouldnt be able to function.

•not all meds cost money. it really depends on your income level and where you live but for me, im on my states low income free insurance that covers the cost of all my meds. i have not paid any of my own money for medication. i wish meds could be free for everyone obviously but sadly the reality is its not. but not all people on medication (especially in other parts of the world) pay for their meds with their own money.

•this can be a dangerous mindet to have and hold true, because where does it stop? this mindet could lead to you not taking antibiotics for an infection and it getting much worse, or not taking life saving meds, or not taking meds that prevent things form getting worse, or keep you from getting vaccines for preventable diseases. i say all this not as an abstract i know people personally who think this way and reality hit them hard during the pandemic (like someone i know irl didnt get the vaccine and then got sick and had to be hospitalized for weeks to stay alive, if the industry wanted them sicker they wouldnt create or give out vaccines for free).

i know it can be hard to believe in something like this, but your health is the most important thing, and if meds can help you than thats what matters. not all meds work the same for everyone so if you do start meds make sure to meet with your perscriber regularly so they can change doses or change meds to find the right fit for you.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

[constermonster]

How are your current cosplay builds going??

I don’t remember mentioning my cosplay build on here LOL maybe ur from ONE OF MY OTHER SOCIALS!?!!?!? but THANKS FOR ASKING ANON!

I’m currently making Kuki Shinobu from Genshin impact! She’s the first cosplay I’ve ever made, and I’m aware that picking a Genshin cosplay to make BY HAND for ur first cos isn’t a great idea, but I thought I’d b good coz I’m an artist HAHAHAH

I made a bunch of plans and broke down her fit so that it would b easier to make but I didn’t really follow them exactly as I’d planned

It’s progressing pretty slowly hahahah coz I’m really bad at sewing and it’s one of those things that u gotta practice to get better at :/ who would’ve known. So I sew when I visit my parents house coz my mum pretty gud with sewing so she helps me out. Thanks mum ❤️

Im going home for Christmas soon so I can carry on with it and hopefully get the bulk of the sewing finished over the Christmas holidays!

Here’s a pic of the shirt I made so far!! I’m super proud coz I’m notoriously bad at sewing and I managed to make this yayyyyyyy! Still gotta hem it and make the boob window and add all the accessories etc but I thought it was a gud start!!

I still gotta sew the rest of the outfit ha ha I literally redid the gloves like 5 times it’s ridiculous sewing enrages me so much but it’s so rewarding to be able to wear what you’ve made at the end!! It’s so valuable!

I’m not great at sewing, but I’m pretty ok at crafting? It’s my first time working with foam but I’m usually quite good at making 3D objects (I got an A in product design in high school 😎)

So when I’m in my flat I’ve been making a start on her armour pieces! Here’s the knee armour I’ve made for her!

I’ve made 2 of them but I rage quit the 2nd one coz I stuck something down wrong so I have my insane scribblings all over it telling me how to fix it LMAO when it’s painted it’ll b reyt

For her small tiny details I wanna use my schools 3d printer coz some of my friends have used it to print cosplay stuff b4 which is EPIC! I wish I had a resin printer tho, those r epic!

It’s going pretty slow because I have school + I can’t afford to buy any more resources like filler/ primer/ paint to finish off making these knee pads so I’ll do it when I’ve got more money lol

But I plan to have it finished by spring next year so I can enter a competition with it!! I wanna get it finished asap coz there’s so many other cosplays I wanna make aaaaaaa

[smileyerim]

honestly being able to experience certain financial situations can help with learning how how to manage money if that makes sense. like after I started going to college, I started paying all of my school myself and its been a good way for me to just understand the importance of what I need, like if I want something I always think about other bigger money issues like gas, school, etc so in a way its both a good and bad thing depending on how you view it. but im glad you find it as a good thing and just know that you're working very hard to be where you are / where you want to be <3

hi anon!! sorry I’m getting back to you so late, I just wanted to be thoughtful with my response 🫶

Although I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, it definitely taught me to be more conscious and understanding. Heavy on the understanding part.

Before my annual income was under $3k, I had been so flippant with asking friends to go get coffee or dinner or to see a movie. Until I was in the spot where it felt like I had to choose between buying toothpaste and having a social life, I didn’t understand just how much pressure that a causal Thursday night boba run could put on someone. Now, even though I have the ability to budget for social spending, I choose not to initiate it. I don’t want to accidentally put someone in the spot that I was in countless times— choosing between investing in my friendships or the electric bill. It shouldn’t be that way.

I’m so unbelievably grateful to be in the financial position I am now. You don’t realize how much you think about money until you’re in a position where you don’t have to think about it as much anymore — it’s a peace I haven’t felt in years.

Anon, you didn’t mention whether or not you had experienced a turn for the better in your finances, but I hope you can experience the peace I have now. Your discipline with your finances and dedication to your education will pay off one day, I believe it.

[alwastakenofc]

RANT INCOMING.

WOWIE ZOWIE it’s a good thing that tumblr keeps u logged in for FOREVER bc i would NOT have remembered that this was my username LMFAOOOO.

anyways !!! i’m just here to rant now to see if it’ll still help me like it used to. just scrolled thru all my personal tagged posts and MAN was i going thru it from 2013-2016 LOL. im glad life is better now. different, but better. me and that guy that i posted abt a lot and would rant abt how he was hanging with that girl all the time broke up in 2016 THANK GOD, that was a sick and toxic and abusive relationship that went way longer than it needed to. i moved back home with my parents and got a few years with both of them before they passed away from different circumstances (fuck alcoholism and fuck cancer). now i live with my roomie/friend and she evicted the other roomie we had that was Toxic As Fuck and a literal Man Child so WAHOO! it’s been nice.

i’m going back to college this year i think, and im both so excited and also Terrified to finish. i only have 1-2 semesters left and then i gotta go get an actual CAREER.

being famous never took off, as expected LMFAO. i don’t stream to get popular anymore, it’s just a genuine hobby i enjoy that gives me an excuse to keep playing video games and having fun. but i don’t mind not having a genuine job off of it anymore; probably should’ve attempted streaming when i was posting abt it so much a decade ago, Honestly Probably Would have taken off a bit more and actually had a chance to make money off it BUT alas, i was too lazy and worried abt public perceptions lmfao

i still have that worry abt public perception especially since i now identify as non-binary (she/they). i wish to be perceived as an amorphous blob that moseys through life, ya know? i only keep the “she/her” pronouns bc a) i’m not fully out to Everyone, and b) i just know some ppl are more used to it and i Do Not mind. i would honestly probably say i don’t prefer ANY pronouns, call me he/she/they i just do Not care, but finding ppl that would reference me as “he” while being respectful just is daunting to think abt and i do not care enough, just call me whatever. but don’t perceive me as a woman exclusively ya know LOL. i don’t identify as a woman or man, i have more feminine days and more masculine days but calling myself a woman sincerely just feels … icky and weird LOL idk like i said. AMORPHOUS BLOB SQUAD, RISE! idk how else to explain it LMAO

also discovered asexuality is a thing like 6-7 years ago which has been LIFE CHANGING !! being told you are broken by ur partner for years, being made to feel like something is Wrong with you because you don’t get why everyone is All About Sex and why tf everyone actually Enjoys Sex…. MANNNNN when i discovered asexuality i don’t think ive ever had a moment in my life where i just said “oh my GOD. it’s ME. i GET MYSELF NOW.” (until i fully understood and embraced being nb about 2 years later lmao). idk i just feel so much more confident in myself and it’s great.

hmmmm what else… i guess i had a stint of struggling with alcohol and weed, but have managed to cut it back. currently on week 2 of no smoking, gonna go a couple more weeks then maybe i’ll buy a pen and edibles. NO MORE DABS! wax just Annihilated my tolerance and not even smoking 3 full joints or eating 250mg of edibles could get me high. it was BAD. but that’s what happens when u do Multiple dabs a day, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 5+ years !! sooooooo that’s a thing too now. i try to Only drink on weekends now (and only 2 weekends per month, instead of Every weekend, is the new goal) and know i can’t trust myself to buy alcohol on a weekday and hold it to the weekend, which honestly Go Me for that self reflection and understanding that my brain doesn’t have the ability to Not drink alcohol/do shots if it’s in my fridge lol. well, not yet at least. maybe in a couple months i’ll be able to put some vodka in my fridge on a tuesday and be able to keep it there til the weekend without touching it, but for now i still don’t fully trust myself.

BUT! i’m trying to be healthy! i did get a treadmill and jump rope and even tho ive been neglecting jumping rope (maybe i will today idk maybe not LOL) i do still try to walk on my treadmill at least every other day!! i did a mile walk today and i was So Sweaty lol it’s crazy how outta shape i am but im hoping that cutting down on weed and alcohol helps with that too overall. i miss having abs. i miss not being flabby. i have awful body dysmorphia already bc of my boobs and getting bigger has made Them bigger too and it just makes me feel Horrified when i see myself in the mirror. or see my stomach, or double chin, or jiggly arms, or WHATEVER. i just need to be healthy again UGH. anyways.

MANNNNNNNNN i’m so scared of college LOL. i’m not double majoring anymore (also not even in art college anymore HELLO lmao, i dropped out of art school and got my associates degree from community college then transferred to a university where i was originally double majoring in International Relations and Japanese)! i just am gonna drop my Japanese major down to a minor so i still at least know Some Japanese. and ill study on my own post graduation (I HOPE!!!!!) and get better. i took a 2 year break when my mom died and its just so Daunting to think of going back LOL

i really, really… REALLY need to get better with procrastination and laziness and being at a standstill/comfortable. like, i KNOW there’s more to life but i just. UGH. idk. it’s so Hard after everything that’s happened these last few years. if i didn’t lose my dad in 2018 then my mom in 2022 i think it would be a lot better. HELL, if i didn’t lose my mom to cancer in 2022 things would be SOOOOOO different!! i would’ve probably graduated with my double major and had a kickass job and my mom would’ve seen me walk the stage UGHHHHHHHH ill never forget how i lit said “you prolly won’t see me get married but you gotta stick around to watch me walk the stage” and she said “WHERE ELSE WOULD I GO????” and IDK I JUST WISH I NEVER JINXED IT UGHHHHH. i have a lot of unaddressed trauma from both my parents’ deaths that im sure therapy would definitely help with but FOR NOW, i just gotta get thru college and see wtf is waiting for me on the other side.

ALLLLLRIGHT well this went on a LOT longer than i expected and …… idk if it helped??? idk if i feel any better after typing it all out but MEHHHHHHH. it’s nice to just throw it all out into the ether and not have a ton of questions or assumptions or embarrassment or shame come from feeling like im taking up space. i think that’s been the biggest thing ive struggled with since my mom died; i can’t even post my random thoughts on twitter anymore bc the anxiety of “well who even cares, who would even care about you saying anything, why would you even post at all? what’s the point?” just gets SO damn overwhelming. ive become a COMPLETE recluse and i haven’t done ANYTHING like this rant in at Least half a decade LOL. so. idk.

typing this all out therapeutic in a way but again, i just feel kinda anxious at the same time and idk if it’s really helped me out overall. bc why does anyone care? what’s the point?… but also WHY do i feel like People Need To Care ?!?! why can’t i just go back to my old mindset where i did not give a single fuck about what i posted bc i just liked throwing my thoughts out for everyone to read?!?! idk. maybe tumblr is gonna be the bridge to help me get better with voicing random mundane thoughts that don’t matter in the long run LOL. bc WHY is that so scary to me, man….

ANYWAYS i’m done okay. wowie. what a rant. PHEW.

hope u enjoyed reading about my last 6-7 years 😎

[adhdsleepdeprivedstudent]

holy fuck it’s been a minute since i posted!

almost 1600 days as a matter of fact aka almost 4 and a half years. my last post was early december of 2019, so like 3 months before life as we knew it ended.

tldr at the end!

this blog was largely based around the adhd experience in school, so some school updates!

i was a senior in 2020 so i “graduated” that may and my entire first year and a half of college was 100% online so that was certainly…interesting. second semester of sophomore year they reintroduced a couple of in person classes, mainly ones where zoom was impractical to use, such as my ASL classes. so i was one of the first students back on campus and that was cool but also horrible and extremely stressful and difficult to navigate. i was already struggling with my grades but that just made it worse. i started failing classes left and right, and basically failed my entire junior year first semester. second semester junior year i had just completely given up but was still taking classes to please other people, i enjoyed the actual learning between my two degrees but i just couldn’t keep up with school and everything else in my life. and then this last fall i had signed up for classes two weeks into the semester bc i was originally planning to take the semester off so i was extremely behind….and then two weeks after that i found out i had to move to a different state and ended up having to drop my classes anyways.

that break really forced me to slow down not just in school but all aspects of life. i got “settled” about halfway through october just to have to spend about 50-60% of the next 5 months traveling to and from home and my new state for many reasons. as it stands currently, unless i wish to pay out of state tuition i have to wait until about february or march of 2025 before i can get enrolled in a local university.

HOWEVER, i have decided and am actively looking into EMT schools for the summer and am currently looking for a second job in order to save up for that and im extremely excited about it! ill finish those degrees later lmao.

now, for the not school related life update that will show yall just why i was gone!

as many of yall may know i was diagnosed with adhd at 16, so in 2018, and had just been figuring a bit of it out when i started this blog. i was working and going to school and dealing with a lot at home but it was manageable for awhile. junior year was stressful and then i got extremely sick right around when i stopped posting so i had ended up taking some time off from content in order to focus on that. then covid hit and my life completely crumbled. i was already in online school so i didn’t have to slow down or wait for my school to figure stuff out and was able to finish business as usual. i was living at the time, with my grandparents, mom, sisters, and brother in one house, so it was always chaotic but being stuck in the house became a nightmare. lots and lots of family drama came from that and we were all stuck there because of how at risk both my grandparents and mom were.

the summer rolls around and i end up finally able to leave the house and get another job. it was a shit job but it got me out of the house so that was worth it. my “best friend” and i had been searching for apartments together so id needed to save money and was actively buying things and scheduling tours until she told me with less than a weeks notice that she was moving states and shortly after that basically quit acknowledging my existence. between family stuff, struggling with the start of college online, and then that i was not doing well mentally. i was lucky enough to have a couple friends that saw this and made sure to constantly keep checking on me and getting me out of the house more and more.

and then we moved. my mom, sisters and i started looking for a new place to live winter of 2020. my health had also taken a serious toll. i couldn’t even sit up in bed without feeling dizzy and was fainting regularly and had to quit my job because it got so bad. january 6th i got a call from my dr to go to the er immediately after she got some lab results back (i watched the capitol riot live on tv in the waiting room!) and was hospitalized for a few days after that. i got released and that next day we toured a house and it ended up being the one we bought.

within a month we were moving into the new house, school was kicking my ass, and i was still struggling physically and it had taken an even bigger toll on my mental health.

at the end of my freshman year i got a puppy and he and my friend genuinely saved my life. that summer, our family dog passed extremely unexpectedly and i had to pay all the vet bills for that and it really damaged my finances. my brother moved in and my life got worse again. and then we rescued a 3 week old kitten and couple months later i started another job. and then quit that job because my health was declining once again.

spring of the next year my sister and i got a job at the same place, and life seemed to start to steady minus my failing every class i took and my mental and physical health continuing to decline.

by fall of that year, after a lot of struggling throughout the family and a lot of other issues, we collectively agreed we had no choice but to send my brother rehab. he went, got out, immediately relapsed and we decided he had to go live with his biological father. i was thrilled because my brother genuinely abused me and then i adopted another kitten for my birthday that year.

this situation led my mother and his father to reconnecting and a month later they were engaged, they got married about 6 months later and had a long distance marriage of my mom traveling back and forth between him and my brother and the rest of the family.

about 4 months later my best friend moved states and it really sucked. and then another couple months passed and we found out that despite my working 60+ hours a week on top of school, i wasn’t going to be able to make ends meet anymore as we lost one source of income that had been what we needed to make ends meet each month.

so we moved my sisters into our grandparents house again since they wanted to stay in that state to finish school as they had less than a year left, i packed my stuff and my pets and after months of wondering what i was going to do a room at the house my moms husband/his parents and family/my brother opened up and my brothers grandparents were gracious enough to let me move in without having to pay rent. apparently i was a better option than the alternative. my mom conintued to split her time between here and back home.

i unexpectedly had to make a trip with my best friend back home as an old friend had passed and we wanted to attend the funeral so we went home for a couple days. a week later i was back home once again for thanksgiving and birthdays during which i was present at the mall for black friday shopping w mom and grandma and experienced a mass shooting. and then thought my sister was shopping at the same mall w her boyfriend and damn near was running back in while on the phone with them when he corrected her and told me they were at the other mall……not at all traumatizing. and again three weeks later for christmas. january i was job searching and got a job early february…just to have to, you guessed it, make another emergency trip home! my sister had gotten into a snowboarding accident so we flew my mom back there that day and the next day my sister stopped breathing because she was medically overdosed so that was a very traumatic call to get. my best friend flew me back home about a week after her accident to help out, god bless him for buying the plane tickets and my boss for hiring me and immediately letting me leave town!

while back home, my other sister got engaged, and a month later we went on a family vacation. i’m now back at my new house again, planning my next trip back home for my sisters wedding in less than a month, and a second trip later in that same month for their graduation.

seriously, bless my boss for being so insanely understanding and flexible.

throughout all this time my grandpa has had a handful of major health scares so that’s been a constant concern. but they are moving out here after my sisters graduate! and my sister that isn’t getting married is going to school in another state, and the one getting married will obviously be moving in with her soon to be husband.

hopefully i’ll have a second job by early june, and will be able to save enough to start EMT classes by august.

i don’t know how i would’ve made it through the last few years without the friends i have. they’re genuinely the best people i know. and of course my dog and cats, my babies, the reason i get out of bed.

so, if you read that far, first of all, congratulations bc that was a lot! and second, if you think that was bad, just know i was only scratching the surface! yay me…

tldr: life has actually sucked so insanely bad the last 4.5 years and it is from the combined effort of a miracle from God and a couple of ridiculous lot stubborn friend and my pets (and multiple therapists! sandra, natasha, kennedy if you see this, you the real ones!) that i’m still here.

[dontlookatmehereplease]

I should have figured it too good to last for me. I can't make her feel guilty. It was just helping out I don't need to make her feel bad about not being able to help now. I didn't deserve that money anyways. Why did I have to be dumb and think I was gunna get more. I shouldn't have spent it last night I should have saved it. I'll never be able to buy those headphones. I was being so selfish I'm so dumb. Fucking hell

I need to get out of bed but I'm too depressed to try. I don't have the right to be depressed over this. Fucking he'll I'm an idiot aren't i

Who am I even asking anymore of course I am I'm talking to nobody and answering myself and making myself feel worse because that's more manageable than trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel because emotions are fucking stupid and impossible to understand. This is why I shouldn't date, who would actually be willing to suffer through my self sabotaging behaviors. That's right no one. I already learnt that the hard way with a cpl people I've talked with

I wish I never found out about being autistic, then my suffering would feel justified I'm a way. I mean I would still think I was being stupid for not being able to fucking function like everyone else but I would still be in a way that justified it even if I didn't know it was justified. Then maybe dating wouldn't be so hard either. Who am I kidding tho I'd still have shit luck trying to find someone willing to date me im not good looking even minimally, I can be so delusional about it sometimes. People only find me hot when they're drunk. No one does sober. I gotta stop trying and should just save myself the time and effort. I can suffer eternally and just accept that the only form of romance I'll ever have in my life is by watching movies and reading about it in stories like it's a fantasy trope. One everyone else larps everyday with eachother. Then I'll feel safer about falling into the delusion that my obsession with fictional characters isn't as damaging as it truly is. I know it's bad for me but I guess it's just my new form of s[h] for myself since I know no one actually finds me attractive and they only like my body in the sense of it being a woman's body and not a trans one and people think that could be enough to try but then I open my big mouth and they quickly realize that it's not worth getting their dick wet for having to suffer through my talking out loud. I should have just let that woman talk however she wanted to me on this tumblr because then at least I knew she was interested in me. Even if it was just my body still. She was pretty and wanted to talk to me like I meant something. Me and my stupid boundaries ruined it all like usual. I know this way of thinking isn't good but if I don't write it then it will stay in my head forever and fester until it's all consuming. Hopefully this way it will feel like I've set it down outside of my skull somewhere and slowly I'll start to forget I even felt this way to begin with.

[nohiketoosmall]

little pastry update

I was really worried yesterday about pastrys tank, I couldn't get the heat up high enough and it was near the window so I ended up moving it across the room. it was so cold in here I got a space heater.

today, the heat in our apartment appears to have kicked in and its a balmy like 72+ in here. Since I upped the heat a few degrees yesterday to compensate for the ambient temps being so cold I checked the tank today and it was a little /too/ hot, like nearly 100 in some spots on the top of the branch/cave. I try not to let the hottest spots go over 95, although ive seen some sources say as hot as 104 is okay.

I took her out and looked her over for the first time in a few days (since the ambient temps in the room have been so low I haven't moved her much lately). she looks alright, she was moving around fine. I feel like theres some swelling still on one side of her mouth so im gonna take a picture and send to the vet. I did find her poop + urate and cleaned it up, luckily it was just on coconut fiber so I managed to get everything pretty easy.

I was really worried about her and talked to my partner about it the other day, her ambient temps were struggling to get to the 80s for a couple days because of the cold snap. Yesterday I brought out the space heater and had it running all day near her tank. In the future I'm going to pay more attention to when it suddenly gets cold and have the heater on hand to turn on immediately. All in all though I think shes doing okay. I wish I had been able to buy a PVC enclosure before winter hit (it snowed yesterday, on halloween); unfortunately I'm not making any money right now so. thats kind of on the backburner.

[lavenderglassgirl]

Cackling, who would have thought I’d come back to blogging on this sad little shit blog.

I am sad. I’m overwhelmed. I am being met with the consequences of my own actions and I’m weeping.

I wish I had an adult. I miss the people my parents never were. I miss stability. I’ve spent more years of my adult life- fucking YEARS- trying to recover financially than I did being okay. When does it stop feeling like the floor is falling underneath me at ever next step.

I wish my support system made me feel better, but they’re just me. They’re just my friends. They don’t know, they haven’t lived enough life to assure me it’s nothing to worry about. They can’t hold my hand through figuring out how to be an adult and handle these fucking hard things. My parents were supposed to do that. But they have other more important things to do, like belittle me or hit me up for money or pretend that buying me nice things makes up for the lack of interest or support they’ve ever shown in anything I’m passionate about, anything that makes me, me.

So here I am crying at my job because I still haven’t been able to afford to get a divorce, because an accident that I’m at fault for because of oregon laws hasn’t been settled, and because god knows what else is waiting for me. I’m being micromanaged and ignored and I am feeling so little, and helpless, and small, and insignificant.

And I guess I’ve grown. I guess I’m a different person. I know I’m trying my best but I’m always afraid it will never be good enough. Maybe it is for Emmy and laine, but if I can’t take care of myself how is that possibly good enough. If I can’t manage to keep it together long enough, HOW is that good enough. If I can’t pay my bills, if I can’t keep the house, if I can’t do my job, I am not myself. I don’t feel like Im good enough or even being me. Who am I if not the person who can keep most of their shit together, who am I but a child who was abused. Like who am I but trauma. Im afraid if everything I do is gone the person that I am is nothing, and especially not enough.

[ajcrowlor]

thank you for saying this bc oh boy do cyclists in Montreal get fucking /weird/ abt bike superiority

not everyone is rich enough to afford a good and safe bike! i live in [a] capital of bike theft so on top of being able to afford a good bike you gotta be able to take into account that you may need to buy a new one (or parts) before the summer is over, and you have to do so much fucking research if buying a second hand one to be sure you aren't just giving money to a shop that buys stolen bikes

we also have shit weather but ppl will still argue "it's perfectly fine and safe! l i bike in the winter! and so can (read "should") you!" not everyone is a strong enough cyclist to manage this, and again, more money needed for a separate winter bike (bc you can't just change tires, the salt will fucking kill your main summer bike's frame)

also, where do you park your bike overnight when you live in a tiny-ass apt without a lock-up where the landlord doesn't allow bikes chained out front? (which often get stolen anyways?) you're gonna park your dirty bike in your living room? oh wait you live in a studio? so next to your kitchen or next to your bed?

(okay yeah solve these issues by buying a yearly bike pass... which is still $100... and not lart of the bus/metro/train transit systems... and then have to hunt down bixi stations close enough to your home and workplace and pray that there's a bike to get into work and a space to park it once you get there and that the bixi system isn't just fucked for you personally... so that you don't risk being regularly late to work)

also okay you just biked to work and spent an hour doing (possibly heavy) physical activity and now you're gonna spend your whole shift sweaty like you just went to the gym? it sounds like a nightmare to have to work like that, and is extremely selfish to force that on others; you're gonna subject customers and coworkers to the fact that you smell like a fucking gym bro, for the next 7 hours?

and then they always ignore disabled people and parents bc the disabled people and parents that they know are happy little cyclists and no other type of disabled person or parent could exist

there are some people that just. cannot physically manage biking, yet alone doing it to work on a regular basis

poor parents may not be able to afford multiple bikes for kids that'll outgrow them next year, and single parents may not be able to safely monitor multiple children biking alongside them (and those bikes with extra child seating are. fucking expensive. and may only sit up to 2 larger kids.)

(also i absolutely do not understand how regulations for car seats can be so stringent but you're allowed to strap a toddler baby to the back of a bike like an afterthought. i genuinely ???)

and i am pro bikes! i fucking wish the city was even more bikable! but i fucking /hate/ how pro-cyclist discourse is so often ignorant of anyone who isn't able-bodied and rich (and v white)

heck, im 32 but i can't really bike; i learned pretty late and therefore had training wheels late, and never really got confident biking anywhere but inside big parks, and then outgrew my bike in my early teens and haven't biked since. i absolutely would not trust myself biking to work because i have shit balance (and shit lung capacity)

Bike to work advocates have the easiest job in the world. Driving sucks. Public transit sucks. Everyone hates commuting to work and all you need to do is sell someone on taking a nice bike ride through a park instead of doing that. And yet they still fuck it up because like 90% of bike activism stems from a weird ableist, classiest, racist superiority complex for some reason, instead of ways to make biking safer and more practical.

[doeyedbambi]

is it weird that I truly don't want to be rich?? like idk how to really explain it...maybe I'm so use to being low-key poor but I honestly just want a very simple life.

okay so I was watching these people get groceries from dollar tree on YouTube and obviously they saved lots of money doing that instead of going to bigger stores but anyways that got me thinking how like idk I find comfort in (as backwards as this is....I truly don't know how to explain it) not having an insane amount of money.

like yes of course I want all the pretty pink sparkly soft things but like idk....I like how cozy it is not having so much stuff like maybe it's possible to have only idk a few of them items (youd be able to cherish them more) and just keep everything else super cozy and safe???

okay at this point I don't really know what I'm saying I think it's getting confusing....boop😌💕

[plush-rabbit]

Sugar and Spice

Word Count: 2K

A/N: This is set after he passes the gym to Marnie:P I hope that you enjoyed it!! Im sorry for it being so late!! Also, since sunday was a lot,, pokemon related things will go on ao3 like tomorrow!!

Piers is a rather intimidating person. He’s tall and wears dark clothing, a certain look of disdain on his features to anyone who looks upon him. He won’t necessarily be rude to people but he has a rather flippant personality that makes it hard for people to approach him first.

You on the other hand, you try to meet him. You may not enjoy his type of music, but you do try to approach him, wanting to attend his concerts or even just listening to some of his earlier music that is different from the way he sings now. It’s softer, harsh lyrics that are whispered into your ear accompanied by static due to the low quality of the mic but you enjoy it.

Truth be told, he inspired you to start your own musical journey. Different from his genre obviously, but still. It was easy to write the music, to let the flow seep into you and sing with a lonely voice and cute look. If he could keep his dark, gloomy aesthetic, then you could keep your pastel, cheery one.

Yet, despite the hopeful encounter that you wish you could have had with him, ended horribly. He hadn’t exactly called you anything mean and while you were aware of the tone he held, it certainly didn’t prepare you to be on the receiving end of it. It was a heavy feeling that it left, an unmistakable uneasiness that made you squirm and want to leave.

And yet, you still hold a strong admiration to him. You still want to meet him and go against him in a battle even if it isn’t his strongest suit just for the fact that you believe like everyone else that a battle is what people go against, what they put all their might into and see how they can prevail at the end of it. You wanted to see the light in his eyes up close and see how he would fight.

You’re everything opposite to Piers. Where he dresses in dark clothing and has a rather cold demeanor, you dress in soft colors and try to appear friendly to others, often accompanied by your team of fairy and mostly pink colored pokémon. You spent a good portion of your youth hating pink, wanting to go against gender norms but as you grew older, you fell in love with the color and the frills, wanting to be dressed in a cute way that while others may have seen as overbearing, you just liked it and it made you happy. Where as he sang metal and rock, you stuck with pop, you wore your dresses and had even jokingly called the type of music you sang “bubblegum pop”, no real reason behind it- agains, it just made you happy to call it. Despite the differences, you greatly admired the ex- gym leader. He had been able to hold his own in a town that was failing- no fault on his of course- and had been a caring brother from what you have seen. He was an admirable person and while the music he made wasn’t exactly your taste, you could learn to enjoy it.

However, due to your rising fame and the type advantage against him, people around the region- who knew of both of you- had begun to jokingly call the two of you rivals, wanting to see you both battle it out and see who would reign above the other. And while you would have happily accepted the chance to meet Piers, a trainer you strongly admired, he had only sneered at the idea of you and him having a battle. To say it hurt would be an understatement. He’s a personal inspiration and to have him act that way to the mere mention of you left you deflated. 

It’s a mere accident that you both are in the same area. Mentions of him of you are sprinkled into your notifications, buildings that match in the background and while you aren’t proud of it, you take to following the buildings and the threads. You walk around, your white tennis skirt paired with a soft, baby blue pullover and pair or white tennis shoes, an obvious giveaway to who you are, a yellow star shaped bag that crosses over your chest, and a bow with trailing ribbons falling and curving around your shoulders, tickling at your neck with every step until you finally seem to be in a surrounding area that he was last seen at. While it left you with an odd taste, you wanted to run into him and express your admiration for him- just for a quick second, to tell him how much you liked the music he put out and how he stuck with the aesthetic- you could understand how expensive it could be to stick with something as money-consuming as clothing.

You find him by accident. It’s a completely stereotypical moment when you do. You both stand at the opposite ends of the fountain decorated with carvings of various water types from the region, the sun shines and you can see in front of you with his sister and the rising champions. You hold onto the straps of your bag, your lips pulling into a flustered line, heat that rises from excitement or general shyness- you aren’t sure yet, and you stare at him with wide eyes. In the pockets of your skirt, you can feel your phone buzz and in the corner of your eyes, you can see people hurriedly take out their phones. And just like that, the serene, very stereotypical moment is over when he turns around and your eyes meet. Where you widen and flush under his gaze, he hardens his stare and grows an annoyed look, brows furrowing and lips pulled into a thin line. 

Your resolve is broken. You gasp, and look around, seeing people stare and a small circle forming, whether for the both of you or the rising stars of the region, you don’t know and you don’t find out, choosing to leave the area. You jump a bit, standing on the tips of your shoes and you turn to leave. 

You don’t want to stick around and see what he might have to say, the thought of the smallest bit of rejection far too much on your mind. You manage to make your way into a bookstore, the scent of coffee lingering in the air and you greet the employees with a tight smile, wandering deeper into the store, hoping to distract yourself and walk between the aisles and find something to buy. 

You stand at the end of the store, against a corner as you trail your finger against the spines of the books. In your peripheral, you can spot a figure, standing tall and you pay no mind. There is no real reason for you to worry- you may not look the part, but you can certainly fight dirty and the store isn’t abandoned so you could always call for help. You hum under your breath, pulling out a book and pursing your lips as you read the synopsis. The figure at the end comes closer and you turn, a soft squeak sounds past your lips. You feel yourself stand straighter, your shoulders squaring and the book held close to your chest, fingers gripping onto it tightly, enough to pale your knuckles.

“You ran away,” Piers muses, his fingers trailing along the spines, his steps quiet against the carpet. “You must be really scared of me,” he says, looking away from you, chuckling lightly. He stands in front of you, his brows raising as he looks down at you. 

His dual colored hair is pulled into a loose ponytail, a thick part of it obscuring half of his face and you can only do so much to not cower under his gaze, eventually breaking from his eye contact and looking at the top of your shoes that differ from his. 

“‘S not that,” you mutter, biting at your bottom lip. “I just… panicked,” you end, licking at your lips. “I- I didn’t mean to offend you.” 

You were kidding yourself if you thought you could talk to him. Much less have a battle against him. Once he showed up, your resolve fell, further than it did before when he looked at you. You take a small step back, your shoes shuffling and messing at the carpet underneath, and your eyes still locked on his boots. Just a second ago, you wanted to proclaim your admiration to him, enough to go and see him and find him and yet, here he is standing in front of you without any distractions or prying eyes and you can’t bring yourself to talk to him with faltering. 

“You’re a lot jumpier than I expected, ya know?” His reply to you is done with a simple roll of his eyes. “I mean, fuck, I guess it’s expected for a type user like you.” You stay quiet and you can almost hear his smug grin. “Lots of people comment how you’re a pushover because of your, er,  type and all.”

You look up at him, your brows furrowed and frown against your lips. You lean towards him, the book still held in your hands. “It’s- So what? I like pink and fairy types! They happen to be cute and they’re strong!” Your voice starts to raise, slowly raising into a higher pitch, shoulders raiing a fraction to meet the ends of your lobes. “Plus, there are a few fairy that have a dark counterpart and Mimikyu is one that I’m going to add to my team!” Your eyes narrow and you pull away from him, crossing your arms in front of you, a scowl on your lips, face growing hot under anger. “I just happen to be,” you make a small noise of discomfort and bite the inside of your cheeks, “quieter.”

He looks taken aback, eyes wide as he blinks owlishly at you. His down turned lips start to twitch, forming into a wicked smile. He snorts and shakes his head, a pleasant sound ringing through the small corner, and you soften, your arms slowly lowering from their harsh grip. 

“You got some fire in you, huh?” He asks, tilting his head “Damn, didn’t think you had it in you to actually stand up for yourself like that.” You meet his eyes and he flashes a quick grin that reveals his teeth. “Nothing bad about it, I swear.” he holds his hands up and brushes a hand through his hair. “Anyways-” he waves a hand and you watch it with careful eyes- “you oughta be more careful about who you yell it at, as all I’m gonna say,” he muses. 

“Piers?” He hums in response and you swallow nervously. “Wh- Why did you come here?” You don’t want to accuse him of following you here, for all you know it could be a happy, little accident. “And why did you talk to me?”

His milky complexion turns into a bright pink that fills in his cheeks, a flustered look on his face where his eyes narrow. “Oh, hah, I- Marnie needed a book and I-” his hand swings around at a much faster pace, circling around in front of him with an open palm and you react instinctively.

You make a pained gasping noise, the book dropping onto the floor with a thud as your hands come up to block your face, back hunched as you try to cower under the minimal protection that you offer yourself. You whimper and take a stumbling step back that leads you against the wall, your eyes pinched shut and it’s a second too late that you realize you messed up. You gasp and straighten up, an uncomfortable heat running down your back as you meet his eyes.

He stands frozen, his hand still in midair and his eyes are wide, darting down to the book and back to where your hands still hold a semi-protective barrier against him. His eyes turn from shocked into pitiful and you break away from his gaze, mumbling an apology under your breath.

“Shit,” he hisses out, bringing his hands close to his body. “I didn’t mean to trigger you or-”

“It’s not that,” you respond quickly. “I- Can we not talk about it?” You turn to look at him, your bottom lip trembling ever so slightly, your eyes glancing back to the fallen book. “Please?” He nods slowly and you return it in response. You crouch down to grab the book and pull it close to you only to look back at it with disdain. You turn and place the book back into the shelf, your hands coming down to play with the hem of your skirt. 

It’s silent. The soft music that plays from the music is not enough to drown the silence between the both of you and you want to chastise yourself for ruining a moment with your fears. Your teeth bite into the soft part of your cheeks, painful and enough to make tears spring into your eyes. In your pocket, your phone buzzes and you fail to pick it up, too frozen to care about the outside world. 

“Do you want to get a coffee?” You look up at him and he gives you a hesitant smile. He jerks his chin to the other side, his hands inside his coat pockets. “I was thinking of getting a cup while I was here,” he clears his throat, “I could get you one if you want. We can drink it here too,” he adds quickly.

You give him a tentative smile, slowly pulling yourself away from the wall and taking a step closer to him. “Do you want to look for Marnie’s book first? I don’t- I don’t mind.” 

“Right,” he says slowly, “her book. The uh- you know, let me message her to see what the title was, yeah?” He nods his head and moves to the side, jerking his head to allow you to walk in front of him first. “Let’s just get a drink first, all right?” He gives you a nervous smile, laughing quietly with eyes that come to a close. You come to stand next to him, nodding softly, your hands flexing at your sides in an attempt to calm down. “Neat,” he says. “Let’s get a cup

[sayitwityachest]

i used to be really obsessed with fish, like aquariums and all that. i used to read books on it and spend hours on fish websites learning. anyway due to being a Youth, i simply did not have the means to successfully support this hobby, so i fell out of it.

FAst forward 10+ years later, my work has a fish tank with a fucking KOI FISH??? apparently it was donated, very stupid donation tbh, koi get big and they are very messy fish. And every since ive been there this tank has been a damn mess. Insane algae blooms and the filter hasnt been working. A few weeks ago someone just unplugged it and bc it's always insane at the shelter, nobody has messed with it. I thought this thing was dead lmao. i hadnt seen any movement (you cant see bc the water is so green) for weeks and i knew there was like no oxygen in there.

so the other day some of admin ends up in the area and is like, mortified lmao. okay it was really funny, im ngl. and i was cleaning a room nearby and i kept overhearing them speculating and they didnt know shit about fish keeping so i went out and started doing my thing ahahah and that's how i ended up being unleased in petco with free reign over what to get to fix this tank mwahahahahah all the power! fish was alive, i had them do a big water change to hold him over until monday (as in yesterday, bc this was all last friday) i looked it up and i think he actually was in a coma! wild stuff. Duuuuuude, im really excited bc i got to buy all this shit i couldnt when i was a kid and we are gonna assign water changes as a chore for the clients and eventually we will give away the koi bc it's just not feasible as a long term pet and i bet i will be able to help organize the new fish and im just !!!!! i can make a whole community tank of my own design!!!

im gonna start working on a wish list for it with like a thermometer (im not too worried for the temp bc they like it cold and he's been fine so far, yesterday there were no thermometers to my liking), airstone/airpump (ik this is important especially for koi in an aquarium but we were already pushing the money and didnt want the bosses to get mad at us LOL), heater (for new community tank eee!), additional filter media, a new led light, fancy water testing kit (we could only find strips), maybe some live plants one day (got him a mossball to play with that hopefully he wont destroy heheh), i want seachem products for treatment, maybe a nice background LOL, idk there are so many things i could do with it.

THey all think im a legit expert now it's so fucking funny, and im trying to manage expectations but also like... this could work for me lmaoooo

[moody-bloosh]

this is for @just-1margaret​ who won my giveaway last may! im so sorry it took me this long to get done but here is your la squadra wholesomeness on a day off at the beach ; ) 

The past few months have certainly been difficult to say the least. Being generally unappreciated at your insanely dangerous job, doing said difficult work with little pay, regardless, you supposed that it was good that the Consigliere finally realized that it might not be a good idea to alienate the branch of the Famiglia that literally kills people for money. 

So it came to pass that on a certain fateful day, Risotto has you all gather together in the hideout. There’s a long tense silence as you all gather together. As always, Sorbet and Gelato are tangled on the couch together. Illuso pokes out of the mirror, a bored look in his eyes that quickly turns smug as soon as he catches you looking at him. Prosciutto looks disaffected as he lounges on the couch, smoking a cigar. Pesci tries to follow after his mentor’s calm demeanor but fails miserably, a sight to see considering he was sitting between Prosciutto and Formaggio who was lounging on the couch with an easy smile on his lips. Ghiaccio and Melone sit together, tapping on their computers, probably catching up on some last minute work, they whisper to each other about what they think is going on. 

You sit beside them, chewing some gum, trying to look calm though your heart hammers in your chest. Why did Risotto call you all here, right now? Was there something wrong? 

After a long moment, Risotto decides that you’ve all settled down and he brings out a manila folder. That simple action is enough to shatter the easy atmosphere. 

“The Consigliere has sent something,” Risotto says grimly. 

Everyone sits still with bated breath as Risotto opens the folder. He reads the contents of the letter inside of it for a long moment and then he pulls out what looks like a fan of tickets. 

“They wish for us to rest,” he says with a strangely calm voice. 

There’s another long moment of silence in the group that’s broken by Pesci. 

“Do they mean for us to rest permanently or...?” 

And then, it’s chaos. 

“Are they serious?!” 

“Who do they think we are?” 

“What beach are we talking about?”

The question that spurs the rest of your squad into silence comes from Formaggio. There’s a lazy grin on his face as he looks over the indignant and shocked faces of the other members. There’s dead silence as your group turns to look at Risotto, who plops the sheaf of tickets to the group.

“Well…” Gelato hums, “about damn time I say.”

“What about the money?” Sorbet asks, “they gonna start paying us properly or are we still gonna get the scraps?”

For the first time in a long while, Risotto smiles, his dimples evident as he sets down the folder.

“How sure are we this isn’t a trap?” Ghiaccio hisses out, “they think they can just buy us out like this?”

“The Consigliere is a good man,” Prosciutto comments, his only word on the matter, “the only man with sense by the boss’s side, at least.”

“As promised then,” Risotto says, “we go on this trip, consider it … team building.”

That is your capo’s last words on the matter and thus, it allows your teammates to pass through the day with excited chattering, packing for the beach trip. As you settle down in your room to pack for the beach trip. You wonder if maybe this is a sign that things are starting to look up for your team.

All expenses have been shouldered by the Consigliere, who after his assignment from the boss has taken it upon himself to mend fences with your squad. It’s a rather surprising move on his part considering how the boss had openly neglected your squad. There’s still the undercurrent of distrust among some of the other members who still believe this trip to be a trap, at least until the Consigliere himself appears, greeting your group with a smile on his face.

The Consigliere is an old man, his hair in various shades of graying, his face lined with age. Beside him, a boy with pink hair and a strange sweater. He shakes your capo’s hands and after a little exchange of words, drives you up to the villa where your team will be staying at. He chatters pleasantly about his hopes for better relations with your gang, words that would ordinarily ring hollow for you but … for some reason bring you something akin to hope. It’s a feeling you haven’t felt in a while, but you’re glad for it.

On your group’s first outing to the beach, Risotto stays put, insisting for the rest of you to have fun. He dong a pair of black swimming trunks and a loose black polo that he keeps unbuttoned. he stays in the shade, reading some books and keeping his peculiar eyes hidden with a pair of shades. He’s the talk of the beach, you poke around, staying back with him for a while as you watch the other members of your gang play around the beach.

“I’ll be fine,” he assures you, “I’m not one to play in the water. You can have fun.”

He gives you a carefree smile as he nudges you along. Hesitantly, you do as he asks. Occassionally, Prosciutto will swap out with him so he can get himself some ice cream. He’s always stopped by women, asking for pictures of which he will politely decline. It’s not good for a hitman to have pictures taken after all. Sometimes, you do manage to catch him, comforting a lost child, directing them to the proper services.

Of all of you, Pesci has the most fun, he sits by the docks happily fishing with Beach Boy. You stop by for a minute, playing with the bait, watching him fish. He seems to have amassed a little ocean in his pail, along with some other fish in the cooler.

“You plan on fishing up the whole ocean, Pesci?” You tease good-naturedly.

“I’ll put them back,” he replies cheerfully, a boyish grin on his face as he continues fishing. “I just wanted to catch a few bigger ones, f-for dinner tonight, big bro said if I caught nice ones, he’d cut them up for dinner.”

You blink in surprise, “Prosciutto’s cooking dinner?”

“Yeah!”

You purse your lips as you watch the glittering waves, “he must be … in a really good mood, then.”

After you hang out with Pesci for a little while, you walk by the shore, noticing Ghiaccio who’s been building a sand castle. He grumbles as he builds and it’s only then that you notice a droopy part to the surprisingly well built sand sculpture. He notices you approach and as if to preemptively shut down any ideas you may have about knocking down his castle he growls at you.

“If you plan on ruining this castle any more than Illuso has, I swear to God, witnesses be damned, I’m going to kill you!”

You laugh at that, unable to help yourself. It was just … a little cute to see him, carefully poring over every little detail of his sand castle, his curls sticking everywhere.

“Chill,” you say, a little smirk on your face as the irony of your little joke is not lost on you, “I just wanted to ask if you need help.”

Taking a seat beside him and a safe distance away from his sand castle you are able to marvel at his work. You suppose that it would have been prettier had it not been destroyed on one side. But even so, it was gorgeous, it shocks you a little bit to see just how detailed Ghiaccio had managed to be. You couldn’t believe it was made of sand.

“You’re … weirdly good at stuff like this,” you praise.

Ghiaccio grumbles but you do see a light blush dusting his face, as always, he was terrible at receiving compliments. He never knew what to do when he got them. Even his ears started to turn a little bit red.

“I-if you want to help, just don’t get in my way,” he grumbles. “I don’t want you ruining anything.”

You pout as you continue to watch him build and then you stand up, “I’m kinda thirsty, want me to get you anything?”

Ghiaccio mulls it over for a moment, pausing as he rebuilds a turret, “soda sounds good.”

“Alright, I’ll get you one, anything else?” You pat the sand off yourself as you address him.

“No… Thanks, _____.”

You smile a little as you walk up to the nearby beachside store selling some cool treats. Yeah, today seemed like a really good day, you thought to yourself as you walked. On your way, you catch a glimpse of Formaggio and Melone trying to pick up some tourists. you cringe internally as you hear their attempts at flirting.

“Now, I’m not a photographer, sweetheart.” Formaggio croons, his voice smooth as butter and as sweet as honey. “But I can picture me and you together.”

“What’s your zodiac sign then?” Melone asks excitedly, getting too close in a tourist’s personal space, “come now, no need to be shy. I need to know! You have excellent hips, perfect for a mother to – hey! Why are you running?!”

Something akin to secondhand embarrassment blooms in the pit of your belly and you make your way to the store, trying to look as though you have no idea who Formaggio and Melone are. Thankfully, your gambit seems to work as you manage to get into the shop with not much difficulty and purchase the cold drinks. Though as you walk back to Ghiaccio, you wonder where Illuso might be. You hadn’t seen him all day after all. 

Illuso spends the day in his mirror world, happily relaxing with no large crowds to be bothered about and no annoying teammates to pester him. It’s heaven, at least for him. And it’s the only place where Ghiaccio couldn’t try to kill him after he ruined his sandcastle. Illuso is smug as he relaxes. It was the perfect day to relax. 

You have dinner on the beach as well, Prosciutto taking it upon himself to gut and grill the fish Pesci has caught. You find yourself enraptured as he prepares the food. Though upon seeing you gape at him, he quickly tasks you with preparing the food instead. You sit beside him, chopping up some veggies that he told you he was going to grill while Risotto returns after some time with Ghiaccio in tow, having managed to gather some firewood for a bonfire. 

With your coaxing, and Risotto’s assurance that no blood would be shed, Illuso is quickly coaxed out of the mirror - finally able to join your group again for a pleasant dinner. 

“You didn’t have to hide all day Lulu,” you teased, “I’d protect you.” 

Illuso scoffed at that, flicking your forehead and grabbing some grilled fish. You smile warmly as you settle by your teammates. Sorbet and Gelato finally make their way back to your group - sure their hair is a little mussed up and you definitely notice some hickeys but you play dumb. With good food, refreshing drinks, and funny stories to exchange by the warm bonfire, you find yourself feeling something you haven’t felt in a long time since you’ve joined Passione. 

Contentment. Completion... 

Such cherishjed moments and days like these, you hoped they would continue.