#i wish i didnt have to feel like an imposter just because i cannot get a diagnosis

[sahhr-studiesmed]

I wish someone listened. Like really listened. I never really feel heard ever. It's difficult.

It began with the suspicion of adhd in the year 2020 actually. Recently I read so many experiences of people with autism and felt like that was me. So another suspicion stems up.

I read through my copy of DSM 5 and matched the criteria for combined adhd and level one autism. Ofcourse I'm not a professional so I cannot diagnose myself.

But it's painful not knowing and it's more painful existing.

[beepbananabus]

Alr you gotta say the first thoughts in your head about Vanoss and Delirious GO!

it drives me insane how they are each other's exceptions (or at least, jon is to evan)

for example, evan has built up this asshole repertoire where he bullies everyone ceaselessly EXCEPT for jon. he will apologize to him (GTA when he destroyed the bear memorial (and in that same video, he killed moo by accident but didn't apologize), small GMod mistakes like misplacing props, skits gone wrong, and several other instances). he will try and amend his mistakes with him. evan will straight up ditch a whole bit just so that he can let jon join in (minecraft; the nether star fiasco (even brian who started the bit was like WTF evan)), jon will run away from the others and let only evan tag along with him (also in minecraft. they even state outright how pissed the others will be LMAO.) and share items with him for no reason (minecraft. again. chick-fil-a scene (focus on evan's inventory)), and evan will just laugh the hardest and the softest (genuinely for no reason other than jon's laugh. the joke was already over by that point) around him?? and there IS a noticeable difference. btw. im not losing my mind over this.

evan's mood will do a complete fucking 180 when it comes to jon (a little bit of a longer clip because it needs to be established what their mood was PRIOR to this and how SHARPLY it changes once jon is in the picture), even for stuff that he should JUSTIFIABLY be upset about**

(i was also so tempted to also mention all of their friend's feelings ABOUT them but this is about THEM. however, i wouldn't mind spilling about that either)

** this is a way longer tangent so ill put it under a cut (SPOILERS FOR ONE OF EVAN'S AMONG US VIDEOS INCLUDED)

video here, (starts at the timestamp, also time stamping this one bc this segment is longer than what youtube clips allows for.)

for context, jon and evan are playing among us with other people. evan is an imposter and fools around with jon (this is not an exaggeration) before locking him into storage. his imposter crewmate sneaks in, kills jon and runs off, but in the meeting that follows afterwards, jon accidentally exposes evan by not muting his mic, getting evan killed.

INSTEAD of being angry at him (yes. this is a video game but they've been pissed over lesser things), or even a SMIDGE of being upset, evan instead goes over and COMFORTS him.

LIKE. i can VERIFY to you that that has accidentally happened before and all other times, people in this game have been LIVID. they've been PISSED. these are gamer bros that are easy to launch into a cursing fit. yet he doesnt.

(yes, evan does have a rep for not exploding into anger but he shows himself being upset in other ways. none of those are present in that video.)

Notes:

6.06 - 8:40 is one of those scenes that makes me?? lose it?? /affectionately

because its a MIX of things.

evan is playing with jon here. and im not talking about like. playing as in playing the game. he's doing a bit with jon and jon only and it reminds me of like, stereotypical girls when they get a guy to chase them while giggling, like they're PLAYING TAG right now. just the two of them.

evan didnt even kill jon. evan probably WASNT PLANNING TO. he was just messing around with jon probably and was going to leave him alone after this, like i kinda wish jon didn't die to see what evan WOULD've done

just??? their fucking BANTER in general, then their soft comfort at the end?? like that is INCREDIBLY out of their gamer persona, like i cannot state this enough. they have their moments together and GODDDD YEAH.

when they're dead, prox chat is off. they didn't NEED to be that close to each other to talk and yet they are (also. grizzy is nowhere near them and yet hes engaging in the convo, meaning that presence is not mandatory)

[motherfuckingbrad]

AHHAHSJSHSHSBSHHS

ok.

just watched episode one. here are my thoughts: (lots and lots of mythic quest season three spoilers ahead! don’t read if u haven’t watched)

1- so good to see dana again. missed her!

2- POPPY MY BELOVED. can already see the beginnings of like a whole self doubt imposter syndrome arc, super excited for what they do w that, especially as a fellow woman in like a stem field that sometimes feels like they don’t belong/don’t deserve what they’ve achieved!

3- brad. that’s it.

4- no jk. ok so the brad and david reunion had me reeling a little, not gonna lie. brad just looks so deeply sad, like the humble little nod he gives carol after she says he’s the new janitor…. ouch. i feel like after all the stressful shit that happened for him last season (and i’m choosing to believe there was an offscreen breakdown that happened that caused him to impulsively report himself to the police for something he DIDNT EVEN DO), prison finally gave him like. a break. and now he’s just trying to live normal again, trying to piece himself back together and restart his life and maybe learn a few things. and i just. it hurts so much. (i’m getting this all from like the three seconds he’s been on screen so far, so yes i’m insane). anyway very excited to see the rest of him in the episode

5- also david’s reaction was just so fucking funny. like the super villain way brad was already in his office and the way david turned and was like what the fuck.? LMAO. i love them so much. i’m also reading into this way more than i should. but happy their dynamic is back. and the way david is like looking for the worst scenario but it’s just brad being brad!

6- also the “what’s your angle? you have to have an angle. look at your body, it’s all angles!” ?????? like they are fucking with us. they addressed braddavid on questie besties and now they are fucking with us (and it’s working)

7- the brad jo tension makes me very sad. i hope they get to heal together.

8- also just occurred to me that david definitely does not know that jo is actually the one who did the insider trading. hope that maybe gets addressed and david can see brad in a new light kinda

9- i love you carol

10- “well your gut fucking sucks!” funniest line

11- “do not weep for me for i go to my rest as so few men do: content.” ouch.

12- the cw death hit me a little harder than i expected because he was never my favorite character but it’s still sad. i’ll be interested to see how it affects ian, as well as brad maybe since he’s trying to reform and i think for him that should mean getting closer to people, since he obviously never prioritized friendships before.

13- wish they had more of the like catch-up reunion scene. but apparently poppy and ian’s office is in the same building as mq lmaoo (if that’s what they were saying, i was a little confused but i’m also very tired) so i’m excited for antics!

overall good episode. i’m so fucking happy to see them again, i physically cannot wait until the rest comes out. andhjsbsbsb

[the-ginger-is-loose-again]

Just finished rereading the Uglies series (from Uglies to Extras, I just saw today that Imposter and its sequels are in the same world, will get on those next) and I'm so glad I did

I remember reading them as they were coming out, my last two are hardcovers cause the soft wasnt even out yet, so I had to have been around 12 or 13, and there was a lot in there that had obviously stuck with me over the years. I didnt remember everything, or even a lot of things, but the themes of being too hard on your "ugliness" because of what society told you, trying to fit into the little boxes and always be perfect, always trying to be right and wanting to run away when you're proven wrong, they stuck deep within me.

Uglies has what I will always think is the most memorable book opening I have ever read, its actually why I reread it. My coworker and I were doing something in a biological safety cabinet at work (let's just say, brains can kinda look the color of cat vomit) and I said as much. We laughed as I explained the book to her, how it had my favorite opening line, all the tech I could remember, and she immediately went home and bought them. She's been ahead of me the whole time, but we have both finished now and have been talking about it.

I had remembered the cat vomit, the hoverboards, the counterclockwise time telling eye jewels, the brain eating nanos, etc, but I almost wish I could remember more of what I had thought about Tally and Shay. This time around, I think I was a lot more sympathetic to Shay. I had always been on Tally side, understanding that she wasn't perfect and had made bad decisions, but was genuinely trying her best, and couldn't quite understand why Shay couldnt look past her own problems to see Tally's.

Shay and Tally were almost destined to be together, they clicked so well in just a few weeks, yet they never got fully on the same page. Once one would come to an understanding of the other, something would change, something would be done or said and they'd be off kilter again. Shay believed so heartily in the paradise of Smoke, she couldn't see why Tally would come to "rescue" her. She had been told about it for months and had already been there for days, once Tally saw Smoke, she agreed that it was important and not something to be rescued from. But Tally had made her choice from a small room in an unknown building surrounded by people engineered to be predators, how do you explain that to someone when you are so far removed from that fear? How do you get someone who is already mad at you about something you didnt start (read the room david) to listen to you longer than the initial "hey I WAS a spy, but now I'm not I promise"? She is 16 and has never been taught the social skills required to get through an ugly conversation because they are told that that's not going to matter after you've turned, why develop the skills?

God, when they are pretties and they start getting bubbly enough to fight, it just didnt feel like a fair fight, they are both trying to deal with partially remembered fights that were never resolved while piling on a new one, and nothing ever gets fully explained! And we the reader get to sit there knowing none of this is truly Tally's fault, but Shay is as justified in her anger as any of them. Shay was the first to be forced under the knife, she had her rightful feelings dragged from her, made to be pretty friends with the girl she still felt had betrayed her. Tally should have pulled Shay in much earlier, she says they didnt because they couldnt count on the others stay bubbly, but if she hadnt been attached to Zane she might have noticed that she already was. And if that was a real concern, her and Zane should have been split up and divided amongst them anyways. Again, I get it, 16, even if they arent pretty headed, they're still stupid. That being said, I wish the books had a longer timeline, the first 3 should have been more than a year long.

Shay introduced Tally into everything they did, and then had to watch as Tally surpassed her and saw that Tally was always given and surrounded by these special circumstances (pun intended). The only time she is consistently ahead is when she is engineered to be so, and even then they are so messed up they can't have single conversation! Their brains get so scrambled that Tally still just focuses right on Zane cause it was the only time she could remember being stable, however vague the memories are, when Shay wants her to focus on her. She didn't have David treating her seriously or Zane treating her bubbly, she had Tally, who listened to her, who talked with her, who trusted her and was trusted in return. Tally who was her friend, until the next thing happens and the next problem occurs before the last one has even ended, and the next time their brains got scrambled and fixed and changed.

I just realized how valid Shay's feelings were this time around. Her reactions may not have always been, but she was wrestling control of her life back inch by inch in the only ways she knew how. They were purposely not taught how to function and I just cannot express enough how very much their brains were fucked with before they had even fully developed, not to mention the lack of support prior to the surgeries that meant they weren't developing healthily anyways! She just needed someone, anyone, looking out for her, where were the adults, oh right, performing these atrocities! These were children!!! Every choice was made for them and then they were manipulated until they were forced through a hole in a way that made them feel like it was their idea or their only option.

[im-a-fading-star]

i fucking hate this envy i hold against you. its really not your fault, you never did anything wrong. and i dont think you’ll ever do anything out of bad intentions because all you’ve ever wanted to do was share love and be loved. you’re getting what you want from the right person, and i wish i was that right person too. you’re surrounded by so many people who love you and i am too.

the difference is, people like you have no reason to adore me. people like you have no legitimate reason to want me. im thoroughly convinced i’ve fooled you for years and even gaslit you to stay my friend, and even my girlfriend. ive been nothing but selfish from the beginning, and i’ll be selfish until the end. im stuck inbetween wanting you to stay, and wanting you to split up with me because i just want you to have better in your life. i want that to make you happy, even if it makes me miserable, because i dont deserve you, or our other gf in our polyamory.

i feel like im just making excuses to mope around from day to day now. im told time and time again to mend these relationships, just to be happy for you and the others. that sticking together is worth it. we can grow up together. i can talk to everyone every single day, even just for a few minutes, right? or every other week? maybe every other month?

i can’t do that, though.

i’m not like you. i’m not like anyone you know at all. i’ve tried to be for so long, believe me. i’ve played so long into the neurotypical role, i’ve never had any real reason to be miserable unlike everyone else around me. everyone had actual problems, all ive ever wanted to do (and still do) is help in every way i can. i know youre the same way. at least, you and the others succeed with that.

you succeed in so many things, even if you dont think you do. you succeed in being a great friend, a great partner. a great artist, a great sister and daughter to your family, even if they dont respect you for it in the slightest. an excited learner, a willful experimenter, one of the most fun conversationalist with the brightest and creative ideas ive ever known. youre so indulgent in so much. how could anyone not want to be around you or be your friend?

when i look at you though, i cant see any of those things in me. i cant see a single reason why anyone would still even try to stick with me. everyone should know full well that i cant keep up a conversation for more than a day before shutting down completely because i get so fucking exhausted after breathing a single word, after dreading being a complete idiot. not seeing any way how i can improve, or put in the effort for anything like i used to. or to see a reason why anyone would be humored by my interests when i ramble about them. i never shut up back then, isnt it doing anyone a favor that im shutting up now? how is it still hurting everyone? i wish it wasnt. i wish it was never hurting you. i wish you didnt feel anything for me, or mail me anything, not because i dont want to spend time with you but because itd spare you of all the extra effort.

i really dont know if this can be maintained. you’re both trying so fucking hard to maintain it. maybe im not trying at all, maybe i am, but at the very least, i know i’ve been having so much trouble with trying to feel something for the group we’ve shared for years. and if i drop it, theres no potential left. no future left. and yet that doesnt scare me. yet i dont feel anything for that. i dont feel anything for a lot nowadays, but even just thinking about any of this right now makes me feel numb and depressed.

but lets face it, i dont think i’ll ever be as interesting of a person as you guys, no matter how much i try. in reality, im just empty space that you guys are trying to fill. and im sorry. i keep wondering if splitting up will just make anything better or worse, but im genuinely scared that i just cannot maintain relationships anymore. im scared of feeling only envy for you and not love like i used to, because im so fucking attached to one single person now who was influenced my life to change more than anyone else. you’re not unequal to her. youre not unequal to anyone, please god never take it that way after everything i just wrote.

its just how ive always felt. and i feel like being apart should be tearing apart that mindset but its just made me bitter and tired of everyone and makes me dread coming back even more. im just a fucking imposter and a faker, i always have been. ive never had anything interesting going on, all i do is just fucking wallow to myself and you dont deserve that, no one does. but what am i supposed to do? i have no fucking identity and i break apart whenever theres any sort of emotional turmoil now. i hide when people are upset now. not because ive been abused, because my mind just convinces me my shitty little brain is my only safe space in case something really awful happens. and if something really awful does happen im stuck in my own fucking head being selfish as i always am and youre hurt and its all my fault again and even though its my fault i just cant fucking CHANGE the fact its my fault because i dont take RESPONSIBILITY anymore AND YOU’D JUST BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME OKAY? YOU’D SUSTAIN SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR WELLBEING! you’d have less anxiety rather than fretting over my stupid fucking ass, even if the depression sinks in i hope you’d eventually get over me even though i wouldnt over you because youre so worthwhile of everyones time and youve been like a part of me for years, the BEST part of me, the person ive always wanted to be, the person ive always wanted to swap shoes with even if it meant i got your terrible family i’d ESPECIALLY take it in a heartbeat if it meant that! but god id give you everything id ever have just to see you improve because i never will! i’ll never be anything like you, i literally never will!!! i cant make friends, i cant keep friends, i cant be a good friend, nor a good girlfriend, or even a wife, i cant be ANYTHING good, i cant be anything like you and i HATE being envious over you, even the slightest bit jealous that you and everyone else can at least keep it together for someone else!!! I FUCKING CANT!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HOLD SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN I EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, if anything happens, i love you so much to death, and. i just... hope that your future will turn out as bright as it ever could be. i hope you get the career you want, and save up enough money to move out. i hope youre surrounded by so much more people who love you and convince you that youre worth all the time in the world and that your family writhes in their own dirt for treating you so terribly. i hope you realize your own strengths and your ability to shape the future. i hope youre as healthy as can be. i hope you’re still with her if i cant be there for either of you. i hope you eventually realize that maybe im not really good enough for you, and never was in the first place. im happy my ex at least got that benefit. i’ll be happy if you realize whats best for you, too.