#tfw making myself feel as shitty as i always have over discord messages again cool

[im-a-fading-star]

i fucking hate this envy i hold against you. its really not your fault, you never did anything wrong. and i dont think you’ll ever do anything out of bad intentions because all you’ve ever wanted to do was share love and be loved. you’re getting what you want from the right person, and i wish i was that right person too. you’re surrounded by so many people who love you and i am too.

the difference is, people like you have no reason to adore me. people like you have no legitimate reason to want me. im thoroughly convinced i’ve fooled you for years and even gaslit you to stay my friend, and even my girlfriend. ive been nothing but selfish from the beginning, and i’ll be selfish until the end. im stuck inbetween wanting you to stay, and wanting you to split up with me because i just want you to have better in your life. i want that to make you happy, even if it makes me miserable, because i dont deserve you, or our other gf in our polyamory.

i feel like im just making excuses to mope around from day to day now. im told time and time again to mend these relationships, just to be happy for you and the others. that sticking together is worth it. we can grow up together. i can talk to everyone every single day, even just for a few minutes, right? or every other week? maybe every other month?

i can’t do that, though.

i’m not like you. i’m not like anyone you know at all. i’ve tried to be for so long, believe me. i’ve played so long into the neurotypical role, i’ve never had any real reason to be miserable unlike everyone else around me. everyone had actual problems, all ive ever wanted to do (and still do) is help in every way i can. i know youre the same way. at least, you and the others succeed with that.

you succeed in so many things, even if you dont think you do. you succeed in being a great friend, a great partner. a great artist, a great sister and daughter to your family, even if they dont respect you for it in the slightest. an excited learner, a willful experimenter, one of the most fun conversationalist with the brightest and creative ideas ive ever known. youre so indulgent in so much. how could anyone not want to be around you or be your friend?

when i look at you though, i cant see any of those things in me. i cant see a single reason why anyone would still even try to stick with me. everyone should know full well that i cant keep up a conversation for more than a day before shutting down completely because i get so fucking exhausted after breathing a single word, after dreading being a complete idiot. not seeing any way how i can improve, or put in the effort for anything like i used to. or to see a reason why anyone would be humored by my interests when i ramble about them. i never shut up back then, isnt it doing anyone a favor that im shutting up now? how is it still hurting everyone? i wish it wasnt. i wish it was never hurting you. i wish you didnt feel anything for me, or mail me anything, not because i dont want to spend time with you but because itd spare you of all the extra effort.

i really dont know if this can be maintained. you’re both trying so fucking hard to maintain it. maybe im not trying at all, maybe i am, but at the very least, i know i’ve been having so much trouble with trying to feel something for the group we’ve shared for years. and if i drop it, theres no potential left. no future left. and yet that doesnt scare me. yet i dont feel anything for that. i dont feel anything for a lot nowadays, but even just thinking about any of this right now makes me feel numb and depressed.

but lets face it, i dont think i’ll ever be as interesting of a person as you guys, no matter how much i try. in reality, im just empty space that you guys are trying to fill. and im sorry. i keep wondering if splitting up will just make anything better or worse, but im genuinely scared that i just cannot maintain relationships anymore. im scared of feeling only envy for you and not love like i used to, because im so fucking attached to one single person now who was influenced my life to change more than anyone else. you’re not unequal to her. youre not unequal to anyone, please god never take it that way after everything i just wrote.

its just how ive always felt. and i feel like being apart should be tearing apart that mindset but its just made me bitter and tired of everyone and makes me dread coming back even more. im just a fucking imposter and a faker, i always have been. ive never had anything interesting going on, all i do is just fucking wallow to myself and you dont deserve that, no one does. but what am i supposed to do? i have no fucking identity and i break apart whenever theres any sort of emotional turmoil now. i hide when people are upset now. not because ive been abused, because my mind just convinces me my shitty little brain is my only safe space in case something really awful happens. and if something really awful does happen im stuck in my own fucking head being selfish as i always am and youre hurt and its all my fault again and even though its my fault i just cant fucking CHANGE the fact its my fault because i dont take RESPONSIBILITY anymore AND YOU’D JUST BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME OKAY? YOU’D SUSTAIN SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR WELLBEING! you’d have less anxiety rather than fretting over my stupid fucking ass, even if the depression sinks in i hope you’d eventually get over me even though i wouldnt over you because youre so worthwhile of everyones time and youve been like a part of me for years, the BEST part of me, the person ive always wanted to be, the person ive always wanted to swap shoes with even if it meant i got your terrible family i’d ESPECIALLY take it in a heartbeat if it meant that! but god id give you everything id ever have just to see you improve because i never will! i’ll never be anything like you, i literally never will!!! i cant make friends, i cant keep friends, i cant be a good friend, nor a good girlfriend, or even a wife, i cant be ANYTHING good, i cant be anything like you and i HATE being envious over you, even the slightest bit jealous that you and everyone else can at least keep it together for someone else!!! I FUCKING CANT!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HOLD SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN I EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, if anything happens, i love you so much to death, and. i just... hope that your future will turn out as bright as it ever could be. i hope you get the career you want, and save up enough money to move out. i hope youre surrounded by so much more people who love you and convince you that youre worth all the time in the world and that your family writhes in their own dirt for treating you so terribly. i hope you realize your own strengths and your ability to shape the future. i hope youre as healthy as can be. i hope you’re still with her if i cant be there for either of you. i hope you eventually realize that maybe im not really good enough for you, and never was in the first place. im happy my ex at least got that benefit. i’ll be happy if you realize whats best for you, too.