#i wish i could have like one person in my life that didnt make me engage in death note levels of overthinking
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hollow-vok · 25 days ago
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Ohh im obssesed
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#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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arsenicflame · 6 months ago
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i do think being unconditionally loved is an experience that can be so so healing actually. it cant ever fix anything alone but to feel loved and valued and considered is something that makes carrying burdens just that little bit easier. to trust that youre someone they think about when youre not around, because they tell you. to feel like youre someone important to them because they tell you. to feel safe in knowing youre not being too intense, too annoying, too much, because everything you offer is offered right back without a seconds hesitation. this isnt something i ever thought id get to have, but i found it when i wasnt even looking. and no, it still isnt easy. it doesn't change most things. but it gives you a reason to try.
#not to get sappy or anything#nyxtalks#feelings warning ahead#i don't know i guess im all up in my feelings but. just knowing someone thinks about me when im not around has been kinda life changing#it seems so silly. to put so much weight on just 'hey youre not here but i wanted to tell you this'#but i genuinely mean it when i say that i didnt think id ever have it. that i thought it was asking too much to expect people to remember#i exist when im not actively forcing my presence on them. but she makes it feel like the easiest thing in the world to do#and it makes me want to believe that i deserve that because shes one of the most wonderful people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing#and if /she/ can see that in /me/ then who am i to tell her shes wrong?#i do still worry about so much. i do still think horrible things about myself. those things dont just go away#just because of a little consideration. but i want to see the person she sees. i want to be worthy of the love she shows me#i wish i could tell the person sobbing on their bathroom floor in January about how she doesnt stop. how she manages to be everything#you could possibly want without ever even asking.#i dont want to misrepresent how hard it still is. its not changed. but i think i value myself just a fraction more now#talking to her has also helped my understand myself a lot. introspect on so many things#maybe its not the healthiest take to want to be doing better for somebody elses sake but.#is wanting to do her proud really so bad?
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perilegs · 7 months ago
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i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans
#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was#a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha''#yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans#i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that#but it's still a bit. hmmm.#also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute#i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way#but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my#wavy hair and slight babyface and round features#which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man#as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this#though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c#well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow#also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which#once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans#the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy#oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute#face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man#and i love that#but also one of these ppl is not cis#if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people#but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans#but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im#living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow#but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl.#anyways i dont want to ruin our broship#i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared#agh idk#leevi talks
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thedevotionaltour · 8 months ago
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thinking about daredevil yellow again im not. going to make it Guys.
#static.soundz#crying screaming and hitting the ground. so good. it made me cry really bad#bc whenever i think about jack n matt it always makes me think of me n my dad for various reasons#when matt said i couldnt feel his heartbeat inside me anymore. no words.#i rambled about it on my main but dd is very much intwined in an interesting and special way with my own heavy grief about my dad#and matt was a very important character to me during that time of my life for the exact same reason.#it's why i take a lot of very heavy issue when things try to make it so his dad died in his childhood as opposed to college#bc a) think it takes away a lot of the important nature of their relationship and b) my own personal projection#bc all grief at any stage is highly personal and unique and particular#but it really does feel like. matt is really just starting to become an adult (depending whether he dies when matt's in under or post grad)#(bc i can never remember which) but he's not quite a mega established one. there's still that lingering of childhood#so even though he's grown. it just hurts in a very particular way. they saw you grow up. but they didnt really see you become an adult.#they did not see the person you're going to be. that you are. that you're becoming. it feels like such a bizarre unfair moment in time.#bc why now? why not when i was younger? why not when i was truly an adult adult who is expecting to lose you now?#why at this moment and no other time?#but thinking about matt going i wish i told my dad how much i loved him.#more than anything when he goes 'i love you dad. did you hear? i love you.'#it made me cry like a fucking bitch. honest to god tearing up when i type about it. it wrenches my heart it twists it and it makes me wanna#drop to my knees and just weep and weep and weep. they are everything to me.#i have intertwined a lot of matt's grief with mine in a way that makes him so so so important to me. because as stupid as it fucking sounds#that comic and him as a character are everything to me. so genuinely. they were a lifeline my freshman year#when i was so depressed all i could do was read comics. or listen to music#i could do nothing else. i did. clearly. i did work and assignments. but dd was everything to me alongside dm#im sorry i am being an actual like nutbag in my tags im sorry i just have a lot of feelings. this story is everything to me ever ok? ok.
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freebooter4ever · 1 year ago
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You know, one thing ive been thinking about the whole keke's outfit thing...it continues to baffle me how the straight heterosexual view of women's 'attractiveness' STILL tends to equate scantily clad with 'availability' or 'asking for it' or 'putting it on display'. As if wearing something skimpy is what threatens the boyfriend's position as the only man who is allowed to be attracted to his girlfriend.
But like. And i cant speak for all women attracted to women here. But i KNOW i am not the only woman who watched nope, caught the VERY SUBTLE HINTS, and was immediately like 'oh she is the hottest thing ever I AM DEVOTED TO HER' because we are starved for lesbian characters just being allowed to exist and be attractive on screen without catering to the male gaze. Like the akira slide and motorcycle scenes? Sexy as hell. The little dancey thing to classic music? Sexy. Her general refusal to sit upright? Still hot. And she was doing it all in slightly butch but still extremely stylish clothing that basically covered everything. And i mean she was still the most attractive character on that screen the entire time, i probably missed half the movie because i was just watching her the whole time. And it had absolutely nothing to do with how little she was wearing.
Like yes keke herself also looked sexy in that dress/bodysuit that her boyfriend hated so much. But why is it THAT that makes him insecure? Why not the thousands of lesbian/bisexual girls who watched nope a few too many times just to daydream about dating a girl like emerald one day?
#Journal shit#My own insecurities are all about emotional intimacies#Like the physical attractiveness stuff doesnt make me jealous#If other people find my significant other attractive thats fine#But if it starts to feel like there is someone who would be better suited for my significant other emotionally or personality or whatever#Yeah lol#It seems like with men its very much about control#They want to control the relationship and feel secure that their woman is performing *sexy* only for them#Though i would guess an independant woman scares and intimidates insecure men too#Like a woman who has a choice to just walk out scares them#I have tried and tried to wrap my head around shit like this#Like my abusive ex used to HATE all my friends#Every. Single. One. Of. Them.#And he refused to believe i wasnt secretly wishing i could date every other person in my life#Like everyone was a threat#And i bent over backwards trying to make him feel secure nothing EVER worked#I lost tons of friends that year 2011 is hell year for a reason i was SO isolated and lonely and hermity#I would make friends and then lose them quickly partially because my boyfriend didnt like anyone#And its not like he wasnt very vocal about the girls he ACTUALLY wanted to be dating who werent me#and how much he resented me for not being prettier more talented more elegant/refined whatever#It was a mind fuck and always made me feel like i was going crazy trying to jump all the hoops#Even after he dumped me theres still sad sack journal entries on this blog of me sighing about how much i loved and missed him lmao#I took all his insecurity and hate and turned it on myself like why couldnt i BE better why couldnt i make him happy#Spoiler alert that didnt work#I guess i always felt like i kinda deserved it i was mostly ugly and not worth much and who can blame my ex#But seeing women who have it all STILL get stuck dealing with asshole behavior? :( makes me sad
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nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
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i literally have completionist brain but for real life and like. not a fun way for me to play games Definitely not a fun way for me to live irl
#bc in games like. skyrim or what have you i do nottt play them right ik there isnt a right way to play them#but i do every single quest and i pick the options thtall give me the best rewards etc and it just isnt very fun. and rhe point is that its#a role playing game so i should roleplay and if i want to see what happens if i pick the other options i just Make anew save instead of#reloading over and over again. and yet#and its not fun in the sims bc j literally judt force them to max their skills get highest level in their careers complete theiraspirations#and then im just like. ok. and it ends up making my sims games so samey and not fun bc ill Make sims thatr different from eachother but#well. 1. sims 4 sims do not act different from eachother Lmao you Can pick different traits but the most u get is moodlets and maybe 2-5#dialogue options. not that much... vs like skms 3 where each trait could change up a sim a lot#butttt whatever. anyways...#but yeah irl im like Noooo i cant just do this 1 good job bc there are all these other jobs i also need to do i cant pick one major i have#to do all of them i cant Not be able to romance this person !! but real life isnt a video game and that mindset fucking sucks for videogame#anyway... like i like completing a game but i wish i didnt let it ruin games 4 me#bc it rly does i never finish games anymore bc i stress myself out over 100% it...#and i make too many spreadsheets abt them. but i love spreadsheets :[[[[#i should go back to sdv again.. and return to an old save thats another thing#ill obsess iver a game to the point i burn out completely and stop playing and then ill get the urge to play again#but i start a new save and inevitably burn out again and its like ! the devil
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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years ago
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#yeah! ill do thing#haha. i cant do anything today muchless feed myself#i cant fuction#personal#diary#i want to make a late or an espresso and theres nothing cleared off like my mom said it would so now idk what to do#i went from good morning to near meltdown in .5 seconds huh?#this is why i dont like it when someone says then tries to shut me up and doesnt do thing#like??? i didnt care id u cleared off infront of my espresso tbing that takes 5 seconds. but a peice of countertop???#yeah idk where i could even put anything#so yeah now i dont know what to do and am in pure stuck mode. bc i dont have space to make food either.#honestly i just hate everything so much. i hate life so much. im so tired i dont like this.#*david Attenborough voice* now look at this creature. utterly incapable of functioning without coffee. how useless.#ugh. seriously though. if i can just get through a morning and make coffee i can generally be more okay than i would otherwise#do you know how much it fucking sucks just waking up and being like#ugh. like i know this is probably in part bc i should be getting my period soon. but. its days like today i sorta wish i was dead#suicidal ideation#like. what am i supposed to do when it feels like the whole world is hostile. like. just one deviation from my plan and i cant handle ti#idk. it sucks really. im honestly not even asking for much anymore. i just wish i could at least play video games really.#if i could at least do that it wouldnt feel like such torture just existing. idk. i just want one thing.#idk. i know a lot of this is hormonal but even that sucks! why the fuck do i have to live like this.#idk. im really tired. really really tired. i still have to do work too this week. and honestly im so tired.#while i really do enjoy doing things n life n shit. i hate that like 90% of my life is just suffering. just pure suffering#...and yes i am wishing i am dead or something simply bc i couldnt make a latte like i planned#and no i will not be able to make myself breakfast now either. my morning is ruined now. so im unable to function#ugh. i just wanted to have a nice coffee and play splatoon today. but instead i got a nice case of yet again#idk. id be okay if there was just. nothing expected of me. if i didnt have to feed myself or work or shit.#like. me not wanting to exist is mostly just bc of the inconvenience i cause everyone around me#i have to be careful of what i say careful of what i do make sure i never bother anyone.#and so i just quietly cant functiom over here in a corner. just ugh. usually i can tidy shit up myself
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mariska · 6 months ago
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me at 1 am when i have to wake up at like 7:30-8 AM at the latest and partake in an autism assessment appointment when my brain almost never naturally wakes up before like 9:30-10 am and i have medical trauma and prior misdiagnosis triggers acting up in my head and i just got my period and i have endometriosis so im in agony and i start to feel a full blown depressive panic attack coming on even though i've already taken my anti panic medication and also i have adhd and cant get myself to turn on fortnite and play for like an hour to try and de-stress because of all of the above plus executive dysfunction
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#dude like. im going to the appt if its the last thing i do i NEED this diagnosis to have any chance of independence in my#adult life ever. its not something i am going to avoid. but holy shit i do NOT have it in me.#i feel so defeated already because like. i am already shutting down in the middle of the night.#i know myself too well in this specific situation and i am not going to provide#a proper case for myself. i will forget all the 27 years worth of proof i have that i am undeniably autistic.#and i will be too in pain and exhausted and terrified to speak for 80% of the appt bcus i've done this before years ago with a different#person. and i tried so hard. and forces out of my control convinced that person that i was overdramatic and didnt know what i was talking#abt. and i cant go through that again. like it will completely break me permanently if im not The Perfect Model Autistic Example this time.#and i am just inherently Not That even on my best communication days. this has to be the last time i do this and im so#scared that i will not be given the diagnosis i need to literally help my life happen as an adult#like. UGH. UGHHHH i physically cannot stop crying im so freaked out and terrifieddddddddddddddddd.#idk how im gonna get through this. one of my moms will be there with me to help at least and#my therapist wrote a really great summary for the dr person presenting a brief history of#how she has seen/heard my autism as my therapist since i was 14. and both of that does make me feel a bit better#knowing i have support and im not alone. but like i truly dont know how im gonna survive this appointment if im already crying and jumping#to worst case scenarios hours and hours before im even there. i dont want to do this i wish i was irresponsible so i could just avoid it#but its too important and i cant do that. im so stressed out idk what to do my brain is like. melting.#....um! anyways.
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princessmyriad · 7 months ago
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#must not text him texting him is the growth killer#must not text him texting him would be bad because it will make us feel bad and its my fucking bday this weekend#im not letting me do that to us#but fucking god i miss him rn and a lot lately 😭😮‍💨 was there a traumaversary i didnt know about??#the only him related traumaversary already happened in feb and we handled it pretty fairly well (mostly due to the ffected being dormant)#but still like. what did i do last year for my bday? what did we do the year before he was probably there then but i dont remember feeling#this way around last bday? which he prroobbabblyy wasnt there for? time is not easy for me#idk its driving me crazypants lately like i miss him so much i thought he was my everything forever he told me he would be#but hes not and he never was and hes done a lot to hurt me but none of it was on purpose he was never mean or violent#and looking at old pictures we look so fucking good together and old chats the way he talked to me was so sweet and but that doesnt change#the fact that at this point in time and probably never again is he actually here#fuck this noise man ive got a cute outfit ready im going to the local museum with my grandma for my bday day#and ive got weed and tunes planned for the evening there are so many things to look forward to coming soon why#why do i seem to be stuck in the past lately. like not in active ptsd mode im not triggered as the kids love to say but i just cant stop#thinking abt him and the whole relationship and wishing he was here. wishing he never left? or more like wishing hed come back#hoping that hes changed enough and that i have too to make it work. i keep having awful visions of him coming to my door after a life attemp#and im so mad at him but i cant leave him out here so of course i invite him in to care for him and make sure hes ok#and its awful because it feels like a whisper away from being reality. its too close to what could be real#and its awful not because its a dream but because the closeness to what could be reality hurts so much when logic kicks in#and i know its not reality no matter how dang close it seems#personal#i think im splitty lately. im losing more time than usual and i cant get this boy outta my head.#i hope hes a lingering thought and not a permanent resident oh that would fuck us up so so bad#idk. idk dude! everythings fucked up atm im doing a lot of personal growth but im also behind on so many other things#i just want him out of my brain. its my fucking goddamn birthday and im making this one a good one for fucking once#i can handle the other shit later but this one do be fucking me up in a major way lately the last few days. weeks? who knows
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stupiddog678 · 8 months ago
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i dont have anyone to comfort me anymore
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administer-distractions · 10 months ago
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sereniv · 2 months ago
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someone did argue with me on slave labor chocolate
they said that their hershey bar is what stops them from killing themselves or something.
which i have no way to prove they are lying,
but they still got mad when i said that that falls under "your individual necessity" and therefor is fine
so :/
Anti vegans are so weird like who else do you have beef with, people who don't buy slave labor chocolate? little kids who tell you it's bad to litter? cyclists? people who are passionate about recycling?
#like thats the thing#if youre mad even though we tell you that you dont have to feel bad for the things you need- then what are you mad at?#could it be that youre not telling the whole truth? either to us or to yourself?#when i tell people that the quinoa thing was debunked and is actually good to buy it (not that vegans are the largest consumer)#they dont act relieved. they act as if they are angry that there arent slaves or that they are mad that people arent being opressed#and the only reason that is is because they know they arent doing their best#why else would one get mad when told 'if youre already doing what you can then thats all anyone can ask of you' ?#'i cant do anymore than i am' 'thats fine. you can still be vegan as long as you are trying to avoid unecessary exploitation'#'im angry that you validated my experiences and accept what im telling you at face value' like do you see what i mean? its suspicious#and like i get it. its hard to accept you are participating in things like this. but you need to accept it. and you either change#or you need to be ok with not putting in any effort you can afford to do#otherwise youre just lying to people and yourself to protect corporations who dont care about you#most vegans werent born vegan. we had to grapple with the same shit. i didnt want to go vegan and i didnt want to learn about it bc i knew#that id change. i KNEW me. i could already subconsciously tell. and i didnt know what life would be like once i was aware#or at the time 'woke'. i wanted to not know bc i enjoyed eating meat. but i am SO fucking happy i did#and im happy when i do this with anything. to learn and grow even if its hard. and every actual vegan has said#and i agree that we wish we did it sooner. just as i wish i learned about dog whistles and prejudices and the lies being told sooner.#its frustrating but i cant totally hate ppl for it#though thats non vegans. anti vegans idc. fuck em. those are people who purposely it a personality to hate vegans and spread lies#non vegans are just normal people and are fine. anti vegans are trolls and not ppl i make time for. bc they arent there to listen and learn#just fight.
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senxitive · 2 years ago
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I was walking with The One the other day as we were having our talk, and he always does this thing where he starts narrating for me and its kind of like in Golden Girls when Blanch slip into a trance and starts babbling about her ~sexy~ experiences and the girls have to stop her or she'll go on forever into a spiral of delirium.
And anyways, so he's over there narrating a conversation we aren't having and I hand gestured a mouth closing and said SHHHH to him.
He had to stop walking because he was laughing.
Why is this important?
Because if this had been my ex partner, they would have been OFFENDED. They would have been hurt. They would have taken it to heart.
And the difference is so astounding to me. I didn't think twice about doing it to Him, but I would have had to witthold or never would have even thought about doing it towards my Ex. I always had to withhold so much of my authentic self because it always offended him.
It's both confirming in the sense that my ex partner really wasn't for me, nor me for him, and it's all coming to light so much more now. As well as confirming the feeling of being robbed of what could be one of the most compatible relationships I would have had the pleasure of experiencing. We truly are kindred spirits. And it just fucking sucks.
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ghxstyfae · 10 months ago
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Real Subtle ☆ J.G
Johnnies and his girlfriend havent publicly confirmed/announced their relatshionship, so when she walks in on his stream, unknowingly covered in hickies. This accidentally hard-launches their relatshionship.
Masterlist
Pinterest board
Anon: Why is the gf called baby?
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"Yeah Jakes not home right now. Its just me and Baby, but shes watching netflix right now." He thought back to earlier in the day. Jake had left to do a video with Tara, and both Johnnie and Baby had been nearly inseparable since finally getting together so they spent all day practically in eachothers skins.
"'Baby always serves cunt' yeah. Yeah shes iconic" Johnnie laughed a bit. As if hearing her name, there was a knock on the door. "Speaking of..." He acknowledged, hovering his finger near the mic to turn it off if he needed to. "Whats up Baby?"
User: I wish they would get together
User: Joby for life
User: Baby's so hot🙏🏽
"Im so done with love is blind" she started, opening the door and closing it behind her. "Like this one girl, who is the sweetest girl ever," she dragged another chair infront of Johnnies desk, just off to the side. Johnnie laughed and the chat was filled with people making jokes. "And yet shes still pining over this ridiculous fool because he has a nickname for her." Finally, Baby sits down, having finished her ramble.
Johnnie was still smiling brightly at her, making her sort of self concious. "Whats wrong?" She asked, titling her head, causing Johnnie to chuckle again. The chat was going crazy, nearly making his computer lag.
"Oh, nothing Baby," he snorted, barely able to get through his sentence without laughing. "Did you burn yourself with your curling wand?" He asked, turning away from her for a second. She looked confused at him and then the camera.
"What are you even talking about? Johnnie what the hell-" she saw herself on screen and gripped her collar before freezing.
"Johnnie..." She paused, looking over to her boyfriend. He kept his moth pulled toght as he attempted not to snort. With watery eyes, she looked as if she was about to mumble out an apology, or break down in tears. Johnnie quickly kissed her forehead and wiped away the tears that were forming.
"Baby dont cry" he tried to suppress a chuckle. He didnt want to make her feel bad, but he couldnt help but find her being so upset sort of endearing.
Looking back at the chat, johnnie smiled awkwardly. "Well uh, i guess now you guys know?"
Hey yall im so sorry, this is my first rpf and im pretty sure it doesnt fit his personality, please lmk how i could improve<33
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whole-circus · 1 year ago
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Hihi I recently started reading your works and stchnvdhnifbmb I'm obsessed now lol
I must ask how the creeps would react to someone who was there for them before they became the way they are now? I'm quite curious (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠;)
Take care and hydrate <333
Creepypastas with reader that had knew them before tragic eventes
➥ with Jeff the Killer, Homicidal Liu, "Ticci" Toby, Eyeless Jack, Ben Drowned
Ahh you waited so long for this Im so sorry!T^T
Also you guys have no idea how sweet that is! Im glad that someone likes to read my scribble! <3 Lots of love and also remember to hydrate! I choose couple of pastas, but feel free to inform me if you would like someone else!
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.•┈••✦ 🖤 ✦••┈•.
☆ Jeff the Killer
During one of this normal days, or maybe during calm night? You finally saw him..You were looking at eachothers, not sure what to do - sure, he may be a killer now..but this killer was once your friend? Does he even recognize you? But to your suprise, he just started laughing. It wasn't his casual maniac laughter..this one were more friendly, just like the laugh of him you remembered. The laugh of your best friend. He remembered you..and even if he is way diffrent now, then the part of him is still your best friend. You are finally something good in his miserable life, and he almost felt normal once again. Its funny how you make a man like him smile and sigh in relief, just by your presence. And he doesn't care what he did do somehow deserved you again - all he could do is being grateful for that.
☆ Homicidal Liu
You manage to meet Liu on one, ordinary night. Even if he looked, oh so diffrent, then inside you could still recognize his past self. When it comes to Liu, he couldnt believe his luck in that moment. He craves for sense of normalcy like nothing else, its his only true wish..but now you are here again? He start to remember all this nice moments from his childhood..you were in all of them! Even if he didnt recognize you at first, he felt so many strong emotions and could find something familiar..and like that after a quick chat you finally were in eachothers arms once again. There you were..his only hope and only love, you have no idea how long he had waited for you - and when he finally got you, he wont let you go again.
☆ "Ticci" Toby
After everything he had done, Toby really became all this names they used to call him in school - he was a monster, a freak in fact. Could you even look at him in the same, sweet way you used to as a kid? He was scared, constantly scared..so he didnt made a first move. Until that day. When he finally saw you again, he finally felt at peace. The feeling when you were again in his arms felt like coming home from a long journey. He was able to feel the same thing, the same love and care from you. And he already felt much better, just from seeing your smile again.
☆ Eyeless Jack
He was sure you wouldn't recognize him..now he was a monster after all, a inhuman being, a demon straight from poeple nightmares. But he wished, he dreamed that you would look at him in the same way - they way you used to when everything was normal. Meeting you again made him so incredible happy..he almost feel human again! All he could do was just hug you, and sob quietly.. you had so much to talk about, but you have time for that..the only thing that matter is you right now.
☆ Ben Drowned
Ben wasnt the same person you used to cherish and care for..shit, he wasnt even a person, a human anymore. So was he still worth of your friendship? Your sweet words and hugs? Was he even worth looking at you? But he finally decide to meet you once more, he had all eternity and he needs you to make it worth exisitng. So when he showed up at your doors? He had it all planned, the things he will do and say..but just seeing you made him tear up and look in guilt to the ground. His always cool and smug persona, was replaced with the seriousness and culpability. And when you took him into your warm embrace? When you started to shush him ,a dcomfort him? He felt at peace once again, almost like nothing else matters but you both. You already made him the happiest and nothing can compare to you, nothing else in this world.
.•┈••✦ 🖤 ✦••┈•.
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chrissv4mp · 5 months ago
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¡ YOU MADE ME HATE THIS CITY ! — CHRIS S.
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chris masterlist & taglist // main masterlist
summary: you're not happy with chris. all he does is make you sad, and you're done with it.
pairing: chris sturniolo × fem!reader
warnings + topics: cursing, arguments, crying, chris is an asshole, driving under the influence, drinking, chris can drive in this one🗣, etc.
authors note: idk, basically how i feel when i'm with my bf anyway i'd listen to this album for a lifetime if i had to🗣🗣 I DIDNT KNOW HOW END THIS SOO sorry if the endinh is shit💔💔
word count: 4.9k
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"when i'm away from you,
i'm happier than ever."
a laugh came from your throat as you grabbed taras arm, leaning on her for support as you both laughed your asses off at a joke told by nick.
he only smiled softly, trying to contain his own laughter as he watched his two friends. the taller boys eyes land on a guy across the room, and then he speaks, "hey, i'll be back. stay safe, and please don't go with any guys that look like creeps?"
you nod, and tara just smiles at him, "we won't, we're just here to have a good time. go get that man, nick!"
nick smiles, shaking his head as he looks away, turning his back to the both of you as he begins to walk to the other side of the building. tara turns to you again, tilling her head at the... sad look on your face?
"hey, what's wrong, babe?" her tone is soft, and she frowns slightly when you shake your head with a weak smile. your eyes meet hers, and she can tell somethings not right.
"there's clearly something wrong, y/n. come on, you know you can tell me anything. did someone do something to you? cause i swear on my life i'll beat their—" your eyes widen and you quickly cut her off with a nervous laugh.
"no, no, there's absolutely no need for that, tar," you give her a reassuring smile as you reach for her hand, running your thumb over her soft skin as you continue, "this is just the happiest i've been probably... all year?"
the shorter girl smiles, but then as your words hit, she feels another rush of sympathy for you, "well... i'm glad that you're having fun, but, you gotta let yourself be free some more, y'know?"
you nod, and then she continues, "go out with your friends, i'm free most of the time. and if you wanna be alone, then go do something for yourself, girl. i'm sure chris would also love to hang out with you."
he wouldn't, though. he didn't even come around most of the time, only texting you when he needed something and coming home just to sleep. hell, most of the time, he just slept over at some persons house who neither of you knew. he made you feel like you weren't lovable, always complaining about little things and then blowing up when you tried to defend yourself.
that's why you dreaded coming home after every hangout. you hated coming home to chris, just for him to yell at you and make you feel shitty. you really wish you could explain it better, the feeling he gives you. fuck, you even wished it was fake, the feeling of pure happiness whenever you weren't around the boy.
but everybody else's relationships are like this, right? it's normal, you tell yourself. everything chris has done to you is completely normal. you think. he hates when you think because he always say that your mind works in interesting ways. he always say that you have a terrible mindset, undermining your way of thinking.
"yeah. chris." you mutter, flashing tara a smile before you go to stare at your intertwined fingers, you don't even realize how hard your gripping her hand until she winces, "shit. i'm sorry."
she just shrugs, a reassuring smile on her face as she squeezes your hand. as she looks up at your face again, she frowns, "y/n..."
her mind wanders back to your last words, the mention of chris' name the one thing that set you off and made you act out, "it's him, isn't it? what's he doing to you? is he treating you badly?"
you want to tell her yes, you want to fall into her arms and just cry. all you want is to spill all your feelings out right now, to scream and scream over and over again, but you can't. you didn't want chris' reputation to go down the gutter, you really didn't want anything bad to happen to him, even if he did treat you like garbage. even if he treated you like actual shit, you still wanted a happy life for him, he was the one person who showed you love. the first person who actually cared for you.
but, as the years went by, he just... chris just drifted away, he got too caught up into fame, money, and girls especially. girls who weren't you and girls that looked completely different, it was like you weren't even alive most of the time. he treated you like you weren't his girlfriend.
"no, it's not him," another sad smile, and your voice almost cracks as more bad thoughts come to mind, "it's never chris."
tara notices the subtle change of tone, and only then does she reach her free hand out to rest on your shoulder. the bar stools were close enough together that your knees touched, and tara only pulled you closer to her. when you were finally in her arms, you let out a shaky sigh.
then, she hears you whimper. and now you're full-on sobbing into her shoulder, tears streaking down your face as you cry quietly. your body trembles, and you feel as if you let your of your best friend, you'll fall and never be able to get back up.
her hand comes up behind your back, rubbing it in a comforting way as she coos gentle things into your ear, her other hand coming up to your hair and stroking your h/c locks softly, "i know, i know, babe. just let it out, i'm here, okay?"
tara can't help but frown at your saddened state, eyes shutting closed as she continues to comfort you. her lips part again, and you feel a sense of relief wash over you as the words leave her mouth, "you can stay with me for tonight, and for however long you need."
"give me a day or two to think of something clever,
to write myself a letter
to tell me what to do..."
the only sounds in the room are your gentle breathing, and the loud screaming of chris on the other end of the phone. your index finger is wedged between your teeth as you bite down on your nail nervously, your eyes darted around, not knowing where to stay as you listened in to your boyfriend.
"where the fuck were you last night, y/n?" chris tries to contain himself, and you can hear his footsteps pacing back and forth on the hardwood floors of your shared bedroom, "why didn't you come home, i—y/n, what were you doing and where are you right now?"
a shaky breath leaves your lips, and you finally let your hand swing back to the side of your body, gripping the phone tighter, "i'm at taras house, chris. i just—i'm gonna be honest, and please don't get mad���i just need a few days away from... you."
you hear chris scoff on the other end, and you begin to speak again before he starts to blow up, "well, not you, specifically," yes, it was indeed him specifically, "i just wanted to get out of the house for a little... maybe a day or two, and then i'll be back, okay?"
"i knew when i asked you to
be cool about what i was telling you,
you'd do the opposite of what you said you'd do..."
you both knew chris wouldn't care, he didn't give a single fuck if you weren't around, but for more than 24 hours? that's where he drew the line because he knew that when you were around your sensible, smart friends, you would make bad good decisions. you would make decisions that would effect yours and his relationship, and he didn't want that because he needed to have somebody under his control.
he hated the idea of having no control. even if it was only one person her could control, he still had it, he still had somebody wrapped around his finger that he could get to do whatever he pleased.
"wha—y/n, what?" chris sighed, running a hand through his messy hair, "the fuck do you mean? you're coming home tonight, and if you don't i—"
"and i'd end up more afraid..."
chris cut himself off as he began to think. he shouldn't worry about you. fuck your friends, he would always find a way to get you back, so why was he begging you to get home?
a sigh was heard from behind the phone, and you raised an eyebrow in confusion, "nevermind, whatever, go fuck around. see you. bye."
then, the three beeps sounded in your ear. you scoffed, your heart aching at the fact that he didn't even he loved you. he always told you he loved you before he hung up... until a few months ago. you didn't know what went wrong, or where along the line something broke your bond. nothing happened that you could really remember.
"bye." you whispered, shutting your phone off and throwing it on the guest bed before you fell onto your back and landed on the silk sheets. a loud, exaggerated sigh left your lips as you dragged your hands down your face in frustration.
what was this boy doing to you? and why were you letting him do it? you didn't know how to answer the first question, but you had an idea for the second. maybe you liked the thrill.. or maybe you were just hanging on so tight you could never let go. if you let him go, the indentation of that metaphorical rope would still be there... and you'd have to live with the memory of chris. you could never live with yourself knowing you possibly hurt him.
"you clearly weren't aware that you made me miserable..."
but then again, if you let it go, the marks would fade soon, and then you wouldn't have anything to remember. it wouldn't be a constant reminder of chris and how he treated you. so, maybe you just had to let go and take your time to heal, hang around the right people or maybe even just take time for yourself.
a knock, and then two. you opened your eyes, sitting up and being met with the sight of tara leaning against the doorframe, "hey, can i come in?" you nod quickly, needing the distraction to get your mind off of chris.
you didn't even realize her moving closer until you felt the bed dip beside you, your head turning to meet taras eyes as you smiled softly. she returned the same smile, and then began to speak, "how are you feeling?"
no words came out of your mouth for a few moments as you tried to gather up all your emotions and try to put them into one word. but how could you if you were feeling almost all of them?
"i don't know." your voice was quiet, shy almost as you looked down at your lap. tara stayed quiet, letting you think for a moment as she stared at the side of your face, "i feel... angry, sad. gosh, i feel everything and i can't even fucking explain it, it's just so—"
a hand on your shoulder made you relax, and you stopped mid-sentence as tara rubbed your shoulder softly. your mouth shut, and you turned your head to look at her again, "you don't have to feel anything yet, y/n. i'm not gonna tell you to calm down because i would be livid if somebody said that to me, so, i'll just tell you this..."
"close your eyes and take deep breaths. take a moment to gather your thoughts, and then talk to me, okay?" her voice was gentle, quiet, and comforting. the mix of her touch made your entire body relax, and you smiled at her.
you nodded, turning your head back to face in front of you and then closing your eyes. inhale through your nose, count to 3, then exhale through your mouth. inhale, count to 3, exhale. over and over again until you were finally put back together, mostly. one final deep breath, and your eyes were open again. you turned back to your best friend, and she just smiled at you.
"i feel like shit, tar," your voice threatens to crack, but you don't let it, taking another deep breath before you begin to speak again, "this entire thing with chris... fuck, it's just so exhausting and it makes me feel horrible. i'm just chasing after him constantly, seeking his approval only to get disappointment and anger from him. it's like he doesn't even care about me, tara.."
you finally crack, and tears begin to well up in your eyes as you sniffle. tara frowns, squeezing your shoulder softly as she sees your state, "he doesn't deserve you, hon, seriously. i see the way you look at him, and he just gives you nothing in return. he treats you so horribly, i can't even—fuck. you just need to let him go, babe. and i know, it's gonna be so fucking hard at first, but you just have to push through that,"
"i'll be here the entire way through. you know i always have your back, even when you're in the wrong sometimes," you both chuckle at her small joke, "you deserve so much better than that dick, and i'm not just gonna sit here and watch from afar as he continues to break you down. you're gonna get through this, and i'm gonna make you forget he was even born."
you giggle at her choice of words, but you know what she's saying is right and that you need to listen to her, "okay."
tara smiles at you again, "okay. well, tomorrow we plan, and in the upcoming days we bring this fucker down."
your eyes widen and you put your palms up, shaking them in a protest, "woah, okay, we're not bringing anybody down, we're just getting me out of this hell-hole he put me in. is that clear?"
the shorter girl shrugs, a mischievous smile on her face, "same thing."
the phone buzzes on your nightstand, and you lean over to see who it is. chris' name pops up in bold letters at the top, his contact picture smiling brightly at you as he gives a thumbs up.
you came home just this morning, deciding that you would be fine to stay with chris for a little longer. you didn't want tara to deal with your shit. she didn't deserve to be wrapped up in this whole thing, and you didn't want to be seen a bad friend.
"hello?" you mutter, sitting back against the headboard as you cross your legs, preparing yourself for whatever stupid shit your boyfriend would say this time.
you didn't even know why he was calling. it was late at night, and he never called you. well, unless it was for a favor or something stupid. wasn't he supposed to be at a party with his "friends?"
chris giggles behind the phone, a dumb smile on his face as he stares at your through the screen. his hair is messy and his eyes are insanely red. was he seriously high right now? "hi—hey, y/n/n,"
"you call me again, drunk in your benz,
driving home under the influence..."
you gave him a smile, your eyebrow raising in confusion as you start to speak, but he cuts you off, "okay, i know what you're gonna ask, and don't worry, i'm calling you for—uh.. a good reason, mm'kay?"
"chris you're fucking high, don't lie to me." you sigh, squinting your eyes to see where he's at. it was dark, but you could make out that he was in his car. there was an open beer can in his cup holder, and only then did the realization hit you, "chris, what—christopher! what is that?"
the brunette looks down beside him, and he takes one hand off the wheel to grab the half-empty can, "it's beer, duh." he giggles, and you watch as he takes a sip of it before putting both hands back onto the steering wheel, "don't worry 'bout it, mamas."
"you scared me to death, but i'm wasting my breath,
'cause you only listen to your fucking friends..."
your eyes widen, and you furrow your eyebrows as a wave of—god knows what—washes over you, "chris, what the fuck do you mean 'don't worry about it?' you're driving drunk, you idiot!"
chris giggles at your outburst, eyes trained on the dark, empty streets of los angeles. he turns the wheel back and forth, driving a little over the speed limit just to get you on your toes. it works, and you swear you feel your heart stop. you don't even know what to say. you want to curse him out, gosh, you want to scream at the top of your fucking lungs but you know that'll only give him the satisfaction he wants.
how could you stay calm, though? he was pushing you so hard, you were bound to fall and break, "CHRIS! what the fuck—stop driving like you're fucking stupid, get off the road."
he doesn't listen, though, and you watch as he ponders his choices. he could either do what you say, continue to mess with you, or really test your patience. he smiles deviously and goes with the third option, "hm, there's a lot of mud over here, y'know?"
you don't even know how but your eyes widen more, breath catching as you squeeze your phone in your hands. your mouth is agape, and you feel tears prick in your eyes as his phone starts to shake. the car is moving faster now, and chris is grunting softly as he makes a wildly sharp turn, "chris!"
the phone falls to the passenger seat with a quiet thud, and chris screams loudly. you can't see him anymore. all you're met with is a black screen. a quiet sobs leaves your throat, and your eyes dart around the empty to screen for something, anything. did you just lose your boyfriend?
another cry, and now you're sobbing your heart out as you try to breathe properly. your free hand comes up to clutch the fabric of your shirt, trying to ground yourself as you make an effort to speak, "wha—no, no, no... chris?"
nothing but silence and the quiet hum of the car engine, not that you can hear it over the volume of your breathing. you can't even speak anymore, so shocked to the point that you freeze in fear. how were you gonna explain this to matt and chris? how were you gonna tell them that you could've stopped this from happening? how could you?
your heart aches, and your mind runs wild with all the questions that you'll have to answer. where is he? what happened? why did he do it? why weren't you there? why couldn't you help him? what the fuck is wrong with you? so many questions that you didn't have any answers for, "chris, please—i can't... fuck, i can't—"
laughing. he's laughing. wait, he's laughing? your eyes widen again, and you gasp, "oh my gosh, chris. chris oh my fucking—are you okay?"
he still laughs even as he grabs the phone, and as you finally see him, there's nothing wrong with the boy at all. there's no cuts, no broken glass or skin, no blood. you're grateful, but also confused. your mind wanders to endless possibilities, and you land on one you pray isn't true.
"oh my gosh, you should see your face right now!" he smiles, throwing his head back against the seat as he holds his stomach, "i got you so fucking good, hah! look at you, you're even crying."
and you were right. anger and disgust are clearly shown on your face now, and more tears begin to run down your cheeks, "what?"
why was this funny to him? was he seriously that fucked up to joke about literal death? chris just continues to cackle, "it's a prank, baby. now, calm down, don't start throwing a fit."
"i don't relate to you,
i don't relate to you, no."
you can't even describe how betrayed and angry you feel right now. maybe you were keen to the idea of bringing him down. no other girl should have to deal with his bullshit. you scoff, a bewildered smile on your face as you begin to speak.
"calm down? you're telling me to calm down, chris?" your smile fades as you continue, eyes darting all around his face through the phone screen, "you are so fucked up. you're brain is so fucked up, chris! what the hell is wrong with you?!"
chris just rolls his eyes, huffing quietly as he steps on the gas again. he tries shutting you out, but with how loud you're being, he really can't, "it's not even that big of a deal. not my fault you're always so sensitive, grow up!" he raises his voice, eyes on yours through the phone.
you couldn't believe this was the boy you once loved, screaming at you and telling you that you're the sensitive one, "i'm sensitive? you're getting mad at me for something you did, you asshole!" you yell, voice cracking at the end of your sentence.
chris groans, eyes squeezing shut as he slams on the breaks and punches the steering wheel several times. the horn beeps loudly, startling you for a quick second before you get used to it, "would you shut you're god damn mouth?! all you do is fucking cry and whine about everything!"
"yeah, i wonder why?" you scoff, not even giving him a chance to speak before you hang up the phone and let your hand fall to the side. you just want to throw the device at the wall, let all your anger out on something. on someone.
"'cause i'd never treat me this shitty.
you made me hate this city!"
"gosh, you are so insufferable!" chris yells, hands running through his hair before he tugs on it harshly. he turns his back to you, walking away a few steps before turning back, "what is your problem with me, y/n?"
your cross your arms over one another, letting your head tilt to the side as you take a step forward, "my problem is that you don't do shit for us, chris. you don't even try to keep our relationship running. i'm the only one who does, and you don't even care, do you?"
"you can't even look me in the eyes anymore. you aren't the boy i once knew, and i don't think you'll ever go back to him. you make me feel like shit every single day, chris!" you sigh, tears threatening to spill from your eyes again, "i can't do this anymore if you're not gonna love me like i love you. i'm not gonna deal with your problems anymore!"
chris stays silent, head pounding from all the stress and the alcohol he had earlier, "you'll come back."
you let your arms flail to the sides before coming up to rub at your temples, eyes fluttering shut as you sigh, "that. that's what makes me feel so... angry."
"you never listen! and you always think the odds will turn out in your favor, but they won't. that's not how life works, and we both know that. you just make it seem like you hate—" chris groans at your words, opening his mouth to speak, no, yell.
"like, i hate you? yeah, well, maybe i do, y/n!" chris' eyes are wide, and he looks like a rabid animal as he steps closer to you, "have you ever thought of that, or are you too in love to see it? god, i despise you!" it's not true, and he knows that. you know that.
"then why do you still call me baby and mamas? why do you even bother coming home each week and lying in bed next to me, huh?" a sigh leaves your trembling lips, and you finally look up at him, "you can act like you hate me, but you don't. you just want that power. you want me to come crawling back to you tomorrow."
"never told anyone anything bad.
'cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything
and all that you did was make me fucking sad!"
"don't waste my time, chris, i don't need you to come at me for something that isn't my fault. i'm over it!" you yell, and then you feel the rain.
it beats down on both you and chris as you stand in silence for a few moments, taking in the tense atmosphere as you stare chris down and he stares at the ground. he really was the pathetic one, and he had the audacity to call you that?
you can't even tell if the droplets running down your face are tears or just water from the rain, but you don't care about that, all you care about is getting an explanation from chris as to why he was doing all this to you.
he huffs, and then you begin to yell over the hard rainfall again, "so, why? why are you doing this to me, chris?! why even waste your own time on me when you could be fucking other girls?"
"you don't even need me, so why?" you cry out, clutching your now soaked t-shirt, "what's the point, huh?"
chris finally looks into your eyes, and now you can see his lower lip tremble and tears in his blue eyes, "because you're the only one who actually cares about me." it's fake. he's done this before, and now you're actually aware of how many times he's guilt-tripped you like this.
you shake your head, running a hand through your wet hair to get it out of your face. you weren't a kid anymore, and he should know better than not to try this stupid again, but he still does. the first time he did this, it resulted in shutting out both your mom and boy best friend, and then it continued. every other time this happened it always resulted in throwing someone out of your life, but not this time.
"don't try to make me feel sorry for you, chris!" you scream, and now you don't even care if the neighborhood hears. you needed to let these screams out or they would build up until you broke, resulting in you lashing out on someone, "gosh, i fucking hate you for doing this to me! you ruined me, christopher!"
chris looks down again, and now he feels the shame coming down on him, "fucking look at me!" but he doesn't, he keeps his head down and kicks a nearby rock.
you don't feel bad anymore because you know he deserves it. he lets you scream at him because he knows he deserves it. neither of you was in the right headspace in that moment, but you both didn't care. chris would forget in a few days, and you wouldn't. how could you forget after 4 years of this?
the brunette takes a few steps forward, hands reaching out to cup your face, and you huff angrily. your hands are on his chest the moment he's in your face, and you shove him back harshly.
"you ruined everything good,
always said you were misunderstood,
made all my moments your own..."
"just fucking leave me alone!" you scream louder than before, and chris takes a step back with wide eyes. his eyes are finally making contact with yours, and he sees all of the emotions in them now.
the rain seems harder now, and chris wipes his face with the back of his hand as he steps back to his spot, staring at you from afar as he watches you breathe heavily and cry. you've been waiting to get those screams out, chris knew that well. he knew that he treated you poorly, but he... didn't care, actually. he had the world in his hands and he could replace you in an instant, so why did it hurt just that little bit?
tears are now running down his cheeks, and he sniffles as he looks away. he wasn't gonna let you see him when he was the most vulnerable. he couldn't. chris just sighed shakily as he looked back down at the ground again, tucking his hands into his soaked pockets.
you're still staring at him, and when you hear him chuckle quietly, you furrow your eyebrows. he walks away.
"yeah, go try to find someone better than me, bitch!" he yells over the rain and then jumps into his car, quickly backing out of the driveway and sleeping down the road.
you feel like you're suffocating as you watch him leave, and you swear your knees will give out if you don't move or do something. how could he leave after that? how could he leave after he told you that you were the only person who cared about him? if it was true, he wouldn't have left. if anything he said was true, he would've stayed and comforted you, he would've tried to bring this relationship back into the light. but he didn't because it was never true.
your lips parted, and you squeezed your eyes shut as you screamed again. your throat would definitely be sore in the morning, but who cared right now? you needed this, and you weren't gonna let it boil over until you took your anger out on someone who hadn't done anything. you didn't want to turn out like chris did.
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