#i wish i could feel less sometimes bc its so tiring and overwhelming

[grimmthorne]

genuinely hate my brain like it's not even funny anymore. I hate it. every day feels like a losing battle against it and it's only a matter of time before I just start giving in and become so much fuckign worse. fuck, maybe that'll get my mom to listen to me when I say i need help. tw for the tags ig

[edge-oftheworld]

Im bored so go ahead and psychoanalyze me. Lukes lane btw (tied between him and michael but i saw you already did someone with michael and lukes almost exactly tied). Go ahead and look at my blog if you want but its mostly reblogs.

ooh I didn't realise this would get so popular! I'll go with your tie bc I like to try do it as authentically as possible. just taking a little bit to get my bearings and my head out of You're In Your Midtwenties

I can see the muke fan in you, your blog gives off enthusiasm and excitement and ambition, maybe not the kind of ambition people usually think of but you know what you love and you're passionate about and you're very self-motivated about it. you love making things fun and that's a strategy that's going to serve you forever--no task is boring with you, because with the power of friendship and creativity you know how to make it into a game or a fun adventure and that's gonna make everything a lot more doable, and a lot less tiring throughout your life. some people are going to judge you for that, but more and more you're realising that your true friends appreciate it and admire it about you, as they should!

you have acquaintances who think you're cool and wish they could be part of the fun productivity. you probably think they're really cool too, or maybe you're jealous of them (because as hard as you try to be confident you do get insecure sometimes). but if you said hi to them you would be great friends! (case in point: muke). so don't be afraid to make new friends, but also to appreciate the ones you have.

you love learning, but you also get overwhelmed sometimes and feel a little trapped when people say you have to do things a certain way. you have a lot of admiration for people who feel free to be themselves and you want to be them, sometimes you're scared though. as you grow older you'll have more and more chances to do things your own way and to live life how it makes you happy. it's not a contradiction that you can sometimes be really good at something but also need lots of time to rest and decompress after, it's quite common actually. it's natural: some people's brains are born to 'sprint' (do really well at something but only for short amounts of time) while some are 'marathon runners' (can keep going for long times but don't have as good or out there ideas nearly as often). you know yourself though, you're quite self aware even though you don't always tell people what's going on in your head. you're independent when it comes to being cared for by adults, but you love close friendships and community when it comes to your peers.

look after yourself and your self-esteem--though you love alone time too, you feel great when you're around your best friends but you start to beat yourself up easily when things are going wrong socially. learn that it's not your fault. whether or not you have it, you might enjoy looking at posts on adhd positivity or the few and far between positivity posts for the pda profile of autism. as to whether any of these things are you--you'll figure it out. you always do. you like a little puzzle. and you do want to accept yourself, to learn how to be kind to yourself, learn to rest even when people tell you to keep going but you need a break to feel like yourself again. and you can get there!

[autumnslance]

What was it like going from World of Warcraft to FFXIV? As someone who has never played an online RPG before FFXIV I am often :0 ?! when I hear that some people found getting into FFXIV hard because of the mandatory main quest when they just want to go to endgame content as soon as possible. Is going endgame ASAP a regular thing in most online RPGs?

Have a header image of a FFXIV version of my original WoW Main, Discipline Priest Lirriel F’sharri.

Me, a concise answer? Hahaha! Sorry. This got long, so behind a cut it goes and hopefully I answer to Nonny’s satisfaction, taking the questions and breaking them down:

Is going endgame ASAP a regular thing in most online RPGs?

In a lot of games it can be, yes. WoW doesn’t really have a linear overall storyline; each zone has its own story, and each expansion has its own story arc. Nowadays, with how long it’s been running and how big it’s gotten, WoW has revamped their questing so that you decide if you want to go through 1-50 in a specific expac (Burning Crusade, Cataclysm, Wrath of the Lich King, etc), and then catch up to the newest expac for the newest levels, since they also recently did a “level squish” as well as a stats squish, as they had gotten well over 100+ levels in the last couple expansions. Numbers are a problem for long running games (which is why experienced MMO players nodded and some even sighed in relief when the stat squish for Endwalker was announced).

I don’t think FFXIV will be able to do anything similar since their overarching story is so linear; it’s more like playing a single player traditional JRPG with some MMO features attached. I can see them perhaps scaling experience point gain with quests the way they have with the side quests in Shadowbringers, or with Beast Tribe dailies; that would work going forward I think. Unless we get the option to start with the new storyarc starting in 6.1; that could be interesting!

The only other time I had a linear story to go through similarly to FFXIV was early days of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, which I played briefly at launch. Even then, each planet had its own storyline, the overall storyline was the individual class questlines. There was, I think, an overarching plot, but it didn’t really come into play until level cap? I don’t even remember and never got to cap because the grind in that game at launch was awful.

And that’s a thing about many MMOs; the leveling experience is learning about the world, introducing characters and setting, but it’s mostly filler until you get to the endgame where the raiding is--and in WoW, the story is only completed via seeing it in raids (thank goodness for Looking for Raid) and was the main focus mechanically as well. WoW didn’t really have an overarching story in Classic, it was a lot of disparate elements setting up and holdovers from the original RTS games and led to random raid content. Burning Crusade gave us an overarching plot with going to Outland to face Illidan--which honestly wasn’t all that well done storywise. BC is remembered fondly for the quality of life changes and allowing smaller groups to raid, rather than requiring wrangling 40 people. And the raids were challenging and fun--or frustrating, but mileage varies there. But the impetus for “the Dark Portal opened and Illidan’s in Outland being bad” was...pretty much it? Later expacs like Wrath had much better story setup and throughlines as they went, and my one friend described Shadowlands as having something like an MSQ. There are, however, a lot of retcons and putting necessary plot information in supplemental material, which was always frustrating. I’ve likened it before to “imagine going from defeating Tsukuyomi at the end of 4.3 and all the separations and set up there...and then the next patch picking up with getting warped to the First because everything that happened in 4.4 and 4.5 occurs in a novel.” That’s too often been WoW’s method of connecting expansion stories while players languish for a year or more in the last raid content.

I wish I was kidding. FFXIV having a set, quick release schedule, that they keep to so consistently with such good quality--and cosmetic and RP stuff added too!--is astounding to me. I worry for the devs’ health at times--then I hear things like Yoshida turning down requests for crunchy overtime to keep said devs from burning out, hence why the next Ultimate is pushed to 6.1. I appreciate that greatly. Getting anything not pertaining to endgame raid and PvP content in WoW was often impossible, coming with complaints from the raiding community that frivolous additions for sheer fun cost them whole tiers, and seriously 18 months between patches was not unheard of.

What was it like going from World of Warcraft to FFXIV?

I started FFXIV at the beginning of Heavensward...but I was still playing WoW. FFXIV was my side game, as I was still invested in roleplay and raiding with my WoW friends. So I mostly enjoyed playing through the story at a leisurely pace, but I didn’t finish ARR for like 2 years. When Stormblood came out I was hitting burnout in WoW despite mostly enjoying Legion, and the quality of life changes for StB really invigorated my interest and ability to play. The longer GCD for FFXIV was actually one of the biggest challenges for me, especially since I had primarily tanked and healed in WoW. I am not an aggressive or competitive player, nor very manually coordinated, so DPS has always been a challenge for me. I find DPS easier in FFXIV thanks to the longer GCD--I’m still not great, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by trying to hit my rotation buttons instantly. It’s taken me a while to get used to tanking, and I still don’t do it in 8man content, except once or twice with my friends. Mostly cuz I’m just enjoying my DPS jobs, really, so haven’t invested in learning.

...And some of my old fear of random roulettes as a lone tank/healer; WoW’s LFG was a toxic pit for various reasons FFXIV has mostly avoided and even my worst day in FFXIV’s roulette is better than a good day in WoW’s, which gave me anxiety and I stopped doing without friends. FFXIV has no Public Test Realm that people expect you to get on pre-patch to not only spoil story moments, but also learn all the fight mechanics ahead of time and if you don’t know them Hour 1 Day 1 of a new patch release you’re deserving of abuse.

I won’t say never, but I just haven’t found myself interested in going back to WoW or feeling invested in that story, though I do sometimes miss my RP characters (and may write more stories for them sometime). I do keep track of certain beloved NPCs and events--a friend streamed a beautiful moment in Ardenweald for me because I did play through what happened to that character in Legion, sobbing the whole time. I’m tracking what’s happening to Anduin Wrynn closely; we’ve literally watched that character grow up in real time over the years from boy prince to king of Stormwind and I’m still a bit heartbroken about his father. But I play for story and characters, and Blizzard’s way of telling those stories and handling those characters lost me, and with how the Acti-Blizz execs and higher level devs act lately (Hazzikostas keeps striking me as out of touch), they don’t give me much incentive to go back. I may not even pick up Diablo 4 at this rate.

So FFXIV’s story hits the right narrative and character focus for me, especially when I buckled in and replayed...and then replayed again...and now have NG+...Anyway, I like how they build the lore and characters and while it’s far from perfect and they have their own flaws, coming from WoW, it’s a lovely change of pace. Not to mention just how Yoshida and his team interact and communicate with the player base, and see the players’ trust as paramount post-1.x.

...I hear that some people found getting into FFXIV hard because of the mandatory main quest when they just want to go to endgame content as soon as possible.

Some people play only to raid; they like mechanics, and challenges, and feeling powerful at max level with the best gear. They don’t care about the overall story--in some cases because they don’t realize it’s so in depth and linear and sensible after/compared to the constant retcons and revamps in games like WoW!--and are just here to play with friends. Cool for them, if that’s what makes them happy! If that’s how they relax and have fun, power to ‘em so long as they aren’t being nasty to others less advanced/able/willing to put in the time and effort for gameplay. But for me, story and characters are far more important, and I raided quite a lot in WoW at various levels of difficulty and raid size. I am old and tired and want to relax and have fun with friends and write stories that get away with me when my characters get a mind of their own. So I rarely do more than Normals, avoiding Savage and Extreme cuz that grind doesn’t interest me. I’ll do stuff I can do on my own to get my progress fix for my brain (like leveling jobs).

The trouble we’re running into now is FFXIV’s linear story is well over 100 hours long. Even with the ARR revamp cutting a lot of chafe, there’s a LOT to get through to reach HW, and then a lot to get to StB, and then to ShB. And there will be a bunch to get through to EW. That’s JUST MSQ, not counting all the side content a new player may also want to catch up on, like the Alliance and Normal raids, PvP, Relics, Hildibrand, side quest stories like Mail Moogle, Beast Tribes, Crafting...the list goes on and on!

Content in a successful MMO must be varied for multiple styles and preferences for the long term health of the game. Roleplayers and story-focused folks tend to be the ones who stick between patches, farming content at a slower pace to get rewards they want for RP or to see story info, as opposed to raid-focused folks who push new content at release for the challenge and glory. Some of those folks also RP or like story though, so go back to farm between blowing up new content. There’s room for all kinds, and there has to be, and while I am sometimes annoyed by people who skip story (or outright dislike it!) while demanding to know how X works or why a character did A thing, they play their way and pay their sub to keep things running same as me and my obsessive need to know the lore and see it for myself. I can certainly understand those players who story skip that much content to get to where their friends are, if that’s the primary reason they play is to raid with pals, and with New Game+ it’s easier than ever for someone to go back and catch up the story later anyway.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[purplepalmdelight]

why life is still okay (rambling fic rec pt. 1)

firstly: shout out to @trulyalpha for apparently owning my entire bookmarks page on ao3 (bc i only realised all my favourite fics were written by the same person,,, yesterday. bc im really smart like that) anyway breakdown of why she’s a stoncy saving grace thanks!!!

you ease my mind, you make everything feel fine.

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842039)

yes this fic is from 2018. yes i read it every other week. it’s good for the SOUL. jonathan getting taken care of is always just such a good and sweet concept (maybe it’s my intense, undying love of him, but he deserves to be taken care okay) and. okay i’ll admit, sometimes i forget how fucking FUNNY this fic is, but it’s genuinely hilarious, okay? you gotta trust me on this. it makes me cackle at inappropriate times absurdly often. ("Hi." "Hi." "I want you, you fuck." is a top line. i laugh so hard every TIME.) all three of them are so incredibly in character, and somehow this NAILS the fact that they’re all massive disasters pretending to be confident. and i’m not someone that reads ~smut~ often (though it’s more mentioned than described, very non-explicit) but this didn’t make me even the least bit uncomfortable. it felt very natural and in character and made me laugh as much as the rest of the story. all in all, i always come away a little more in love with the characters, and that’s a really precious feeling.

you could be the one to make me feel something

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14269476/chapters/32912745)

i take back everything i’ve ever claimed. this IS the funniest piece of writing i’ve ever read, and it WILL remain so, probably until the day i die. i honestly... barely have words. my expectations were high when i started it, but in retrospect, they were LEAGUES below what i got. the characterisation, the progression, the dialogue, the story; from the overarching aspects to the tiny details, it’s impeccable. i genuinely read this twice in one day, and then again the next. every single part of it is so good, but in terms of FAVOURITES... the christmas section. hilarious. down to its bones, well crafted and heart felt. it hits me right in the chest every time. the story, from the beginning, has me just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is, and as everything grows more intense, so does my investment. it pulls me in and doesn’t let me go until it’s good and ready to see me leave. again, the sexy aspects are so in character and natural that it’s uncomfortable or weird to read and instead just leave me grinning like an idiot. also ( “It did frustrate me, in more ways than one. It’s also a weird plan, like … did you expect me to be so overwhelmed by the power of a boner that I’d just admit my feelings?” is SUCH a funny line, i think about it literally every day. literally. every. day.) the characters are afraid to be messy, to make mistakes, and they all feel so ALIVE that when i leave the story, i feel like i’m leaving a friend. it’s honestly beautiful and honestly breathtaking. this story is better than a lot of published books, honestly, and i’m so grateful for it. so thank you.

i crash my car ‘cause i wanna get carried away!

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131202)

...you really wanted to make me cry, huh? i cried out of grief, yeah, out of the depth of nancy’s guilt and the pure rawness of her mourning, but i also cried out of catharsis as she came to terms, and out of laughter a few times. the bit about total eclipse of the heart as a motif was... that was so well done. i hate drawing comparisons, so please understand that this is criticism of a concept and not a particular story, but in so many stories then nancy’s grief feels... trivialised? that’s not quite the right word. romanticised, maybe. as someone who has lost a friend in the past, it’s just... it doesn’t feel realistic? and that’s okay, because it’s hard to nail something you haven’t experienced, and i wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone. it’s just that stories like this, where i can really resonate with nancy and follow the journey of her recovery WITH her are so rare. this story is a gem, it really is. i don’t love it for all the same reasons as the others, but i love it fiercely all the same.

there’s nothing magic going on, and then along came you

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14994137)

sure, you could be the one is the funniest fic i’ll probably ever read, but nothing magic is such a close second. it’s laugh-out-loud, get-tears-in-your-eyes, fall-out-of-your-chair, and it’s also so goddamn SWEET i can hardly stand it. of the several fics i generally group together in my head (nothing magic, you could be the one + its sequels (might have to make an individual post about this series), laugh until we think we’ll die, and got nothing for you; all very similar, yet incredibly unique) nothing magic is the shortest, but that doesn’t mean it compromises on quality, oh no. it just means i can read it quicker, and therefore more often! when it’s late and i’m tired and i need a laugh to calm down before i sleep, i generally go search this fic up. remember when i mentioned the whole “being just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is” thing? it’s like that except... almost funnier. in you could be the one, it’s just that the story naturally tugs you into adoring these two messy, silly, sweet, amazing young adults, because how could you not? how else could you possibly feel? but here, they are genuinely just... that funny. they are actually just so funny that you as a reader click with them and find yourself grinning like an IDIOT because oh my god you’re disasters. maybe it’s the inherent relatability of a tired highschooler trying to make it through the summer and hating his job along the way, but this fic hits right in the heart every damn time.

got nothing for you other than love

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596658)

"You trust me," she says.

They both know it's a fact, not question, but he still says, "Of course."

and

By then, his shell wasn't something he could step out of. It was part of him. But that was okay. He didn't need more. What he had was enough.

He always did have trouble with wanting more.

and

"Hey, babe?" Nancy turns her head to look at Steve, touching his shoulder. "Can you buy me a drink?"

"Sure thing. What d'ya want?"

"Surprise me. Not like that time we were here and you snuck out the store, went to a smoothie stand, and came back with a mango smoothie."

Steve grins. "But I did surprise you."

and

"Do you have food in the backseat?"

"The sandwich has only been there for like, two weeks—"

and

"Ugh. Too much cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant, remember?"

"False, you're not intolerant of anyone except people over the age of fifteen with bowl cuts and guys who wear shorts in the winter."

and

"Where are you off to? I'm your only friend," Kali says, frowning.

and

"You good, man?"

"Yeah," he says, his throat dry, "I'm great."

"Yeah, you are," Nancy says, and he is. He is.

and i can’t continue because that’s, like, barely halfway into the fic and i’ve already skipped so many of my favourite lines and i would have to skip so many more. you see what i mean about sathana being funny as hell? and like all the others, it’s not just the humour here. i mean... it is, because it’s SO FUCKING FUNNY I LITERALLY CANNOT SAY THAT ENOUGH but the reason it’s so funny is because it’s so candid. it’s so smooth. the whole thing flows. you’re not left feeling that you’ve missed a piece or that anything was sacrificed; you just feel like you’ve read something incredible. this fic is an experience of its own that i honestly have never experienced before. it’s sweet, and it’s gentle, and it’s just so overwhelmingly good that i don’t think i’ll ever quite get over it. in short? it’s a blessing. my expectations were high, but holy fuck did you blow them to bits.

one more favourite line:

Things are ending, things are starting, and everything looks bright. It won't always be that way. The sun's got to set at some point. But, gazing up at the sky, at the pink bleeding into orange, Jonathan figures it'll have to rise again. No matter what happens, these two things are constant.

"Hey, you look awfully lonely," Nancy calls out, walking towards him, reaching out to him with the hand not in Steve's.

Well. Maybe not just those two things.

that scene, in general, is beautiful, and it wraps the story up on such a genuine note. it feels like a film with how clearly i can picture it. it feels like no fic i’ve ever really read before. it feels... good. i guess i don’t really have the words. it just feels so good.

as an overall statement on why i call her my favourite author... it’s the realism. maybe that’s surprising, considering how many times i said “funny” or “hilarious” in here, but in the end, i wouldn’t be so attached to her work if it didn’t feel so real. i can open a tab and instantly get transported to a home i’ve never lived in. it’s comfortable. it’s sweet. and the dialogue/banter is always perfectly crafted. there’s just never really a downside to her fics, honestly. even if i wanted to search, i don’t think i’d find one. not even one of those “their only problem is that there’s not more to enjoy” kind of comments, because every single one feels perfectly crafted in its own right. it doesn’t need more or less. it stands for itself and it’s goddamn good at it.

i didn’t anticipate having to do multiple parts on this post, but- surprise surprise- i haven’t even gotten to my favourite one yet! so yeah, pt. 2 will be written after i finish the history essay trying to murder me, god knows when that is. in the meantime, please go give her some love and adoration. she deserves it.

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

[juunshua]

Same love I'm still into never from broduce but prefer hands on me. Idk what to think about woojin's raps. Sometimes they fit into the song, sometimes the instrumental or lyrics makes it seems like it was haphazardly written to give the dancer oriented members something to vocalize. Energetic remains the only w1 song i can listen to without getting bored. No matter how much I'm into yoon jisung, jaehwan, or minhyun I can't seem to listen to their eps without my mind wandering elsewhere (1/).

If youre looking for a good tropical I would suggest Hollands Im afraid. He isnt the best singer but the songs arrangement and production is stellar. I know it's from last year but kards Hola Hola, even if i prefer ohnana, is also a stand out. Whats funny is that your criticisms of tropical house is exactly what I have been hearing other people say about oh my, how it's low energy and not engaging, esp for svt. It definitely took me a couple of listens to appreciate its place on the mini. (2/)Tbh exos Kokobop is the closest kpop has come to producing dancehall rather than tropical, even if the chorus is so much musically interesting than the verses. Hello texture! Idk about semina i feel like it falls flat but that may be because I was expecting something similar to their produce audition. I was really into chunghas debut song but her nasality turned me off so much. Please mh give her something lower so that she can sing well and have interesting choreo bc she has the talent (3/)I guess Im less harsh on songs released in summer because theyre supposed to be light and airy, hence the myriad of comebacks/debuts experienced/about to experience. (Hyorin and triple h has my heart though.) It's a lot of misses for me too so don't feel bad about not enjoying the majority. I guess thats the good thing about saturation. Sorry if this part feels disjointed from the previous messages as tumblr seems to be in the habit of eating transitional ones as seen in previous threads. (4)

omg jisung was my 1-pick from ep 1 i was so happy to see him make the final lineup laksdjf broduce was actually one of the reasons i got into svt. i got tired of poor vocals and i remembered that svt has boo? who is pretty darn good at singing? so i went to listen to him after listening to the mansae performances and ladjkf somehow i ended up where i am today. but hmm really? actually someone i know said something similar ahaha. i wouldnt know about rap flow or lyrics or anything, but he remains the only person in w1 that id consider a rapper. the rest of the ‘rappers’ are baritones and are rappers for the sole reason that they are baritones. not everyone could have pulled off ‘d i double f e r e n t’ ksjdfl like idk. i personally enjoy his execution of raps ahaha like in light, he raps the word ‘벅차올라’ in a way thats really reflective of the imagery of the word itself? to me he really brought that word to life and laskdjf i think thats the only reason i gave light a second try but to each their own^^. ahaha i think ive gotten used to most of w1s title track though (at least they dont have a tropical house title track). some of their none title tracks though are good! wannabe, even if the lyrics are a bit cringy, musically i really like! it was composed by the same people who wrote air for infinite and twinkle for lovelyz, both songs i adoreim afraid? hmm for me personally the chorus was kinda overwhelming i wasnt the biggest fan of that instrument (it kinda hurt my ear actually). i feel like the verses had something going for them but then the chorus hit and i just kinda idk lakdjf. also kard i know i tried listening to their music but really couldnt get into it. i think i prefer oh nana as well after listening to both songs but still not something thatd end up in my music library.hmm really? tropical house i think in general with the instruments as a genre really isnt my thing so idk if im really criticizing tropical house as much as im stating why i personally am not a fan of it? the genre as a whole really turns me off and ahaha im a simple person if a song isnt tropical house i will honestly give it more listens and more tries to get into it. gfriends sunny summer is gradually getting stuck in my head as summer ends for instance ahaha i might be jamming to it come december ahaha. all of w1s title tracks are another example. there are times though where ive gone back to a trop house song and ended up realllllyy liking it. actually thats literally the case with all trop house songs that i like ahah aksdjf but yeah its really hard to get it to me on first impression i think idk what it is about the genre but its not my thing. ahaha im not a professional musician at all so idk but i thought the drum line was pretty neat in oh my? some of the vocal melodic lines were super pretty to listen to. and with a lot of svt songs too, like the verses in oh my were not the same copy and paste sort of thing. it could have been low energy and not engaging, to me it really felt like the summer afternoon heat that kind of vibe, but still i think i could get some musical things from it? or smth idk what is dancehall? and ahaha semina actually reminded me of their produce audition a lot alkjsdf and hmm yeah it did fall a bit flat but hey its not trop house ahaha i think i was super excited about hearing that sort of genre again after such a long time the last people i can think of who were close to that genre was mamamoo back in like 2014/2015. semina does get catchy after u listen to it after a couple of times? or at least thats the way i felt it was to me personally (or maybe nayoung hypnotized me with whatever magic she usually does on me). chungha? nasally?? the only song i liked that she released was why dont you know but i didnt know she had a nasal voice? at least an obvious one at that? i think she has her nasal moments but ? has she gotten progressively more nasal after debut? i know she has a suPER heady mix is that whats clouding my hearing ahaha. oh actually now that i think about it, her voice always used to remind me of some mix between sica and taeyeon ahaha so i think i just got used to her voice and her nasality over the years. but honestly i dont think her nasality is that consistent? i think she should work on bringing her chest into her mix first ahaha thats her biggest problem as of rn for me. and tbh i dont mind her voice and her tone too much! but there are def songs where i just wished the singer was a stronger vocalist so then id enjoy the song akdjf bc thats happened where i like the song but the singer just kinda detracts from it so i think i get where ur coming from...ahh i feel u in her debut song i was so disappointed by the rap alsdkjf i was like ‘wow this could have been a neat dance break for her’ but nah we got a rap ahaha. shes a soprano though so idk if she should sing any lower as much as she should start challenging her technique with the range she sings in.hmm yeah i think as pop music progresses in general, for me its just going to be a majority of misses ahaha personally speaking from a personal enjoyment standpoint. im sure a lot of the songs i dont like have a lot of musical credibility to them (ie triple h and hyorin lksdjfl rip like i dont even know what music i like these days from kpop groups minus svt honestly. select songs will stand out to me sure but nothing as consistent as svt. my go to girl groups also released trop house this summer i was so sad :((( )

[yellowcolorbluepolitics]

4.30

i just am really overwhelmed on multiple fronts right now. one of them is with school -- i have two finals that im trying to responsibly get down but its really hard because i just legitimately dont know so many of the answers. and google isnt being super helpful and im just very frustrated and stuck with them. i wish i could ask someone for help but no one has started them because theyre not due till friday. and also im frustrated because i know im going to end up giving my work to people who dont do the work, which is frustrating because i worked really hard on it. but also ive been in a similar position where i need help and need people to send me work, so i cant really be like this now. 

also im just so frustrated by my family!!!! theyre just all over me and i need to take a break!!! like they just dont understand that i am a student and i have finals and commitments and i dont have unlimited time for them!! like i have so much more work than they do, all they do is work 9-5 and then go home whereas i work 9-5 and then have homework to do on top of it!!! and then they get frustrated with me because i cant make spot-on decisions because i need time to think and dont have it! also because both of my brothers are just full grown children incapable of having an adult conversation and its so frustrating. and my mom in all her engrained sexism fucking makes me cut them so much slack and is so kind and forgiving for them, yet i, the youngest, always have to be the fucking adult!! it makes no sense!!! they need to grow up!! i wont be cutting them any fucking slack they are grown men!!! why must i be more mature, i am a twnety year old child! also the way my mom meets all my suggestions with negativity brings me down so much !

and i am just v whelmbed about the general amount of emotional labor i have to perform for other people, and generally i dont mind and am so happy to do it and be helpful and supportive but sometimes im just like TIRED ya know and feel all this pressure to be the best most on top person all the time and sometimes im tired and get frustrated by it. 

and i just have so much work and i cant believe i dont have a job yet haha i literally feel like the worst failure i am literally the worst and i just have too much on my plate i literally cant i am so overwhelmed and do not know how to solve any of these problems and cant foresee a point where i will be less overwhelmed i literally dont even want to celebrate my graduation because i am so embarrassed about not having a job and not having anything figured out and i literally cant even talk about it

and im so stressed financially there are so many things i need to make money for- a new fucking bed frame bc my bed is fucking on the floor bc apparently i am trash and poor again, i need a new phone bc mel keeps bothering me to get hers back but i just legit dont have the $50 to buy a new one, i need a graduation dress and i just dont have the money and i just am overall v whelmed and everyone needs to stop asking things of me and also giving me suggestions bc i dont want to hear it i am literally the smartest person when it comes to my own life and all the suggestions are insulting bc its like do u think i havent thought of that??? idk. i just need to take a long vacation after this semester and not fucking talk to anyone and just relax near a lake or something and journal and figure myself out

“journal”

[talesfromacrip]

d r e a m s:

———

———

(( I’m sick and tired of having nightmares that involve me getting lost, losing someone I deeply care about, or something just, really fucking terrible in general that seems like a good thing, but makes me incredibly sad ))

-

oneI was camping with some people I know. I was walking around and then I got lost. I ended up in a giant field

I was in the middle and called out, nothing came out. I was mute and then I could hear everyone and I ran back and somehow slipped down into a building of some kind? the dream transitioning

I was near a staircase of sorts and then I feel someone grab my back. They then push me backwards into it. I wake up

Nature is scary to me and I don’t like getting lost, but falling down the stairs to my death?? That was an actual thing I wanted to do.. it’s, horrifying to see it happen in a way and feel as well

-

A reoccurring one I have where I’m sittting in an office of sorts waiting to see a doctor. Everyone I knew was coming in and out at leisure once done with appointments and would look at me with a sort of plastic face after. Once it was my turn, I was inside instantly and met with a high backed chair. A woman’s voice spoke to me, asking me all sorts of questions I don’t remember but remember being asked. Felt like forever  In the end they turn around and it was me.. am I like, my own therapist and one for others in some ways? I don’t really know, but it was pretty strange 

-

Had one where I was at another mall/concert venue and this time it was to see some show. There were people running suddenly because someone had a fucking gun. I saw blurred out faces and could only stand there. Didn’t do anything, didn’t move as people ran past me

I then hear it pop somewhere near my ear, waking me up frantically after 

Reason I had this, and i know damn sure is bc there was a fucking shooting not even 15 mins from my house.. How lovely to know 

Like, wtf... I want to take people there when they visit, but now I don’t want to go near it and dreaming of it makes it worse bc I don’t want to even go out

...

I’ll probably just the other dreams up or maybe not, idk. depends

———

———

(( I don’t wanna wake up from them. I have a leave the server mood, which, is pretty awful.

I haven’t thought about that much. Occasionally I will, bu t not this bad.. sigh Internalized ableism is a bitch and so are other things, but shit

I’m glad I’m over something’s in my life,but some stuff just gets brought up again or happens.it overwhelms me so much..so fucking much ))

I hate having dreams of me in places I’ve never been too and never will for reasons that can’t be helped. Obvious ones 

Seeing people I know minding their own business or doing extraordinary things that I’m involved in which I know some will never happen or happen as I’d like

Dreams where I’m running from someone or maybe something? calling out into a dark and empty void. Falling, being alone in the action. Ughh

Dreams where I can’t go outside anymore bc there’s a wall. Kinda like in a video game to mark the end of a map boundary..

it’s like I’m in that black mirror episode of that woman trapped in her mind who can see outside while her body is on this, odd autopilot mode. I wake up feeling so empty bc of these dreams, upset, the whole pie essentially or less

My dreams feel so alive and it’s nice to feel that, but waking up and then having to deal with reality. sinks in pretty fast and hits you with a fatal heart bullet

sometimes I’m dying of heat from them or shortness of breath like I was startled or crying heavily, sometimes I wake up and try not to cry if it’s too much. I’ll occasionally go back to sleep but I’ll just end up in the same cycle essentially. I don’t want that

I start having mood swings from them and feel ashamed when I shouldn’t.it’s not fun to explain what happened in your tiny little head sometimes during the night hours. I act sort of, distant and bitchy in the process and i don’t mean to. I just,don’t like bringing up the same things and sometimes not

especially if someone I know is in them constantly and it’s, personal. Makes things awkward when talking with them 

———

———

I hate having dreams where I’m married to someone who I know doesn’t see me that way and it hurts my heart so much. At least it’s someone who actually cares about me 

I can’t do anything for them though and never will. hurts

idk why my brain thinks I c a n.. it’s a pretty sick joke tbh. Maybe I can do somethings, but not as I’d like. I want to do so much for them, but can’t at all..

I know they probably care about someone else anyway like that who’s just, wayyyy better than me in every way:l

Probably closer, can move easily better than me, nicer than me, more upfront. Not struggling with stupid parents and a stupid crippled lifestyle. Probably makes them extremely happy and not a sad ass mess. Probably  does better art than me, cooks better

Hell, I bet they even look better than me as well.. but who fucking knows?

I can’t even talk to them properly anymore it seems, probably think I hate them or don’t want to do anything with them when I want to so badly, but I just don’t say anything. I don’t want to hurt myself more, but I already am

I resort to small talk and whenever I don’t, I talk about some dumb shit instead of actually saying how I’m truly feeling and all that and it pisses me off..can’t even get married anyway :)) Like, thank brain and heart

I hate having these fluffy dreams of having this life with this person..a comfy one that’s so perfect it could melt your eyes from the sap it produces. It’s so warm, but oh so far away and out of my reach.. physical, mentally..

Obviously I don’t hate it, I just hate how my brain tortures me like this

Sometimes I’ll have dreams where they don’t see me, hear me.. just, ignore me completely. They talk about me like I never existed, say horrendous things.. I know they are not true but it just seems like it

———

———

I wish I didn’t have the ability to dream tbh. Sure it may be nice and everyone’s or somes, "favorite activity", but I just don’t really like it much anymore

My dreams hurt worse than reality and it makes my heartache so badly every time I wake up.. I have to put on my face though and just, go with flow as they say.. to just lay there though, every morning and not being able to do what you like, but can in another state, is so weird and confusing on the mind and body. Mine to be exact. Sure it may as well be the coolest thing ever and may help with your problems and such but it’s just heart aching in general. For me that is, sigh

-

I hate waking up feeling horny because I cannot do anything about it or touch myself as I’d like.. just, sad what more can I say on that?

I do feel happy occasionally from some dreams at times, but then reality hits me like an isekai truck right after and I’m kinda left in this weird empty state in the process when I wake up. -

I cope with them by being a silly ass or what seems to be like a rude bitch, but it’s difficult to just downright say what’s going on. don’t want to ruin anyone’s day with my problems and with everything going on, but I must and I never do? I try?? ughh.. If only I could be a bit better with handling things.

I’ll get there, eventually? We’ll see

———

———

I love and "hate" having dreams about living on my own without a care in the world. it’s as if I never had any problems to begin with; sun shining on my face as I realize over time it’s all just a facade and I’ll wake up soon bc it’s just, too perfect..

something is just, off completely? Like I’d ever have a place with stairs and inaccessible hallways and whatnot.. pshh, I’ve never really dreamt about living in an accessible place or anything like that much anyway  bc of the immense ableism put on me growing up

It’s hard to explain that to people as well and makes you feel, alien in some ways

I thought it was something silly I noticed, but over time it just made so sad bc I will never be able to live on my own and never will, but in my dreams I can. which makes it worse on me bc it’s just, not gonna happen champo

-

cooking foods I like and would like to, relaxing at my own pace with no yelling or screaming, opening the door to warm familiar faces.. hurts

I don’t have many scary anxiety induced dreams like I did last year and before. now they’re just, idk very abled and it’s weird and I don’t like em much  

Idk why i never noticed till the end I guess, but it’s better than dreaming of people who used to hurt you and made you feel like shit about your life and your friends as well so that’s a plus in its own ways

ughh, self torture is a bitch and she’s out to get me ughh

[moosebeans]

All of the TØP asks!

Answered. After six months. Answered.

It took me ages so better appreciate it 😂I had to do it on mobile bc my laptop’s not working :D 

*SELF TITLED*IMPLICIT DEMAND FOR PROOF: what’s your biggest fear?I mean, like except for death, probably not being enough (what a greeeaaat start)FALL AWAY: what was the last lie you told to yourself?‘That’s not wrong’THE PANTALOON: have you ever been deeply affected by a death?I don’t think so, because the last time someone from my closest family died was when my great-grandmother died and I was 6 then so I don’t even remember her that much.ADDICT WITH A PEN: have you ever felt that what you want the most is out of your reach?Hahahaha I’m feeling this almost everyday, next question pleaseFRIEND, PLEASE: have you ever had to talk someone out of making a big mistake?Yes. I won’t tell the details bc you know, privacy, but I’m incredibly happy I managed to do so.MARCH TO THE SEA: do you conform or go against the standards?I’m not a rebel but definitely I’m more of going against the rules, but only if they are wrong.JOHNY BOY: who in your life is sort of unsung hero?Let’s just take a moment to appreciate @has-a-crisisOH MS BELIEVER: someone whom you wish were more confident of themselves?@has-a-crisis and @itsskylerblue and @justanotherduke you guys are wonderful and I don’t understand why you can’t believe that 💛💜AIR CATCHER: have you ever been afraid to tell someone you love them?Not really. Maybe bc I’ve never been in love lmao but if you mean platonic love, I don’t really like telling that bc I’m always scared that that person will let me down eventually and I’ll be sad that they’ve meant that much to me and they knew that.TRAPDOOR: is there something you hide from everyone, even the people close to you?I tend to hide my feelings and my mental state bc I don’t want to overwhelm anyone with mine problems as they already have theirs :’)A CAR, A TORCH, A DEATH: do you love somebody do much you are willing to die for them?Definitely yes, buuttt I’d rather Live for them (what a Ride reference)TAXI CAB: what do you believe will happen to you after you die?Ok, so I’m trying to believe there is some afterlife, and if there is I hope I can get to heaven (or just the good option in general if it’s not heaven), but for now I can’t say I’m sure it will happen so like. idk manBEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY: what is the song that make you feel confident?You mean one? Here’s a whole list: fairly local, lane boy, famous last words, my songs know what you did in the dark, misery (by blink-182) and if I had more time I’d list much moreISLE OF FLIGHTLESS BIRDS: what holds you back from reaching your whole potential?My lovely insecurities, thanks for asking. Seriously, there isn’t any specific one.

*REGIONAL AT BEST*GUNS FOR HANDS: how do you redirect negative thoughts?I don’t really redirect them, I basically just try to forget them by listening to loud music lmao :’)HOLDING ON TO YOU: who do you come to when you need help?@has-a-crisis, @justanotherduke and, thanks to the time zones, (the only good thing about them) when it’s too late there’s always @itsskylerblue awake(the whole thing will just be about them I guess)ODE TO SLEEP: are you a night owl or an early riser?Definitely the night owl. Although I prefer to be called a bat.SLOWTOWN: a day you’d relive over and over again if you could?3/11/2016 my tøp concertCAR RADIO: do you prefer to listen to radio or your own music in the car?Lemmie tell you. The songs on the radio are NOT as okay as that one song suggests. But if it’s an actual long journey then crappy pop is a part of the aesthetic.FOREST: something that didn’t go how you had planned?Like my teenage years for example??GLOWING EYES: what are your dreams like?Well sometimes they are amazing and I wish I didn’t wake up. Sometimes they are messy and cause headaches. Sometimes I have nightmares. And they are absolutely the worst.KITCHEN SINK: have you created something that only you understand?I guess yes? Like, the art I draw is pretty easy to understand but still they surely are some aspects of it only I know?ANATHEMA: what bothers you the most?I’m just never enough. But I don’t have energy to do anything about that.LOVELY: best compliment you’ve ever received?“FUCK that’s good” about my art or “you’re literally alien goddess or what” :) RUBY: have you ever been unexpectedly inspired or affected by someone?Yes. No, you won’t hear details.TREES: someone you wish you could speak to?I’d say… to my mom. I wish I could tell her everything. But it’s not that easy.BE CONCERNED: have you ever questioned something everyone around you firmly believed?Like… does life even have sense?CLEAR: are you an introvert or an extrovert?You see. I’m an extrovert to people I like. But if I’m faced with people I don’t like I’m a total introvert.HOUSE OF GOLD: have you promised something you can’t fulfill until you get older?So many things, honestly, I don’t have time to list them.

*VESSEL*ODE TO SLEEP: have you ever asked someone for forgiveness multiple times?Yes.HOLDING ON TO YOU: do you write in cursive or print?Somewhere between (WHAT A REBEL I AM)MIGRAINE: favourite and least favourite days of the week? Why?Fave- Wednesdays bc I have easy school and I’m still not too tired with the whole weekLeast fave- Sundays and I won’t quote Migraine but more less that’s whyHOUSE OF GOLD: what kind of house do you want to have when you get older?Small but cozy and full of love :’)CAR RADIO: have you ever had anything stolen from you?That one bitch in kindergarten stole my my little ponies once. She got caught and she was defending herself by saying she had to take them on a walk because I kept them inside for too long. Other than that I don’t think so, except someone might have stolen my converse at school but they also might have been thrown away bc I forgot to take them home for winter break as I should SEMI-AUTOMATIC: something you wish you could change from your personality?Idk I could stop being such a salty bitch lmao SCREEN: have you ever pretended to be someone you’re not to impress somebody?I’ve lost count, but I actually don’t do it anymore bc, you know, I stopped giving any effs about whether people like me or not THE RUN AND GO: the last person at whose house you stayed? the last person that stayed at your house?My godparents and for the second one my cousinsFAKE YOU OUT: thing you seem to care about more than most people?I’m really insecure so basically everything that is about me that I don’t like and can’t really change GUNS FOR HANDS: the last lie you told to your parents?“Yeah, I’ll try to go to sleep earlier” or “no, I’m not sad”TREES: someone you wish you could see?(strictly see, no dialogue)I don’t know really? Because just seeing someone is so… not enough if you can’t talk TRUCE: what inspires you to stay alive?My true friends @has-a-crisis, @itsskylerblue and @justanotherduke, a.k.a. the ones I can always count on. Also that small amount of hope that it eventually gets better KITCHEN SINK: have you ever told anyone to go away even though you didn’t want to be alone?Many, many times

*BLURRYFACE*HEAVYDIRTYSOUL: have you ever had to put your dream on hold?Yeah, multi times.STRESSED OUT: whose opinion do you value the most?Probably my friends’ because I know they really care about meRIDE: a fantasy you would never act on?I’d never actually kill the people I sometimes want to.FAIRLY LOCAL: are you typically hot or cold?You mean as a person or do I feel cold or hot? Both answers are cold TEAR IN MY HEART: have you found the tear in my heart?I don’t think so.LANE BOY: have you ever stood up for what you believed in?Yes, multiple times actuallyTHE JUDGE: what’s scarier, the fear or what causes the fear?As a very anxious person I know it’s usually the fear.DOUBT: a doubt that you have that you wish you could shake?If I’m really good at anything or are people just nice to me.POLARIZE: where do you hide your problems?In my diary or in my head.WE DONT BELIEVE WHATS ON TV: do you more value material objects or the intangible?The intangible. I’m actually quite minimalistic so I don’t care about things that much anyway.MESSAGE MAN: when things get hard do you sleep or stay awake?I’m staying AWAKEHOMETOWN: where is your hometown?Warsaw, Poland. Unless you mean something metaphorical then idkNOT TODAY: do you let people get to you?It takes time. A long time.GONER: what is your blurryface like?My blurryface is a mess. Always in the back of my head. When it comes out, everything begins to be too much and everything loses its sense.

Well that was a ride. Congratulations if you actually read it all. Also sorry I’m answering this after literal six months.

[memories-journal]

everything is so hard and i'm too tired.

i don't know if i've made the best self care decision ever or if i've ruined my life and i'll feel like killing myself once i'm okay again. but i've already isolated myself.

i don't feel lonely at all. i really don't. but i'm, in fact, alone and i feel this intense melancholy in my chest that i hadn't felt in so long.

i don't feel anxious. i don't feel overwhelmed. but every second that passes i find less meaning in things, in life. i wonder how much more i'll want to take.

i'm having a really hard time eating. it's on purpouse mostly, because i don't push myself to eat. i push myself not to. i'm not counting calories (yet) but i'm regaining control over what i eat. i fast around 18 hours per day and i eat less than half of what i used to. and everyday i hate myself more when i eat. everyday i eat a bit less and i wish it could be nothing. today i even thought about purging, and i would have if the loo hadn't been occupied at that moment.

everything is so confusing and i can't even write. i didn't want to be an attention seeker. and i thought a great way to assure that would be to isolate myself. and i know nobody misses me. but i can't come back. i don't know if i want to. and i knew this could happen and that was the reason why i would have panic attacks every time my exgf would not eat or everytime i woke up and my eyes were swollen. i didn't want to go back to that place. but i'm here now. i have nothing to hold on to. and i don't care and i hate it. because now i don't want to recover, i don't want to talk to my friends and they probably don't like me anymore bc it's been many days since i've paid them attention. and they probably talk shit about me now but i don't fucking care bc i deserve it bc i'm a terrible person and the only thing i do is ruin ruin ruin everything i have even when i don't want to and until i want to ruin and destroy myself bc maybe depression it is my place bc the worst part of this is that im being productive and im reading and cleaning my room and studying and doing hw and i can even close thw shutters now and i have a fake sense of wellbeing everytime im not eating and i cant do not even half of that when im trying to be fine like i was 2 weeks ago and im just so tired bc i tried so hard not to be in this place and now i want to be here and i want to destroy myself in every possible way and i wonder how much days will it take for me to sart cutting again. bc i didnt mind that its been almost 2 years dince the last time i purged when 30 minutes ago i went downstairs to vomit my dinner so 18 months without cutting wont be bad. and i hate it i hate me i hatr everything and i want to rip my fucking skin out bc i cant talk about it bc that may make me fele better and thatd mean that im doing this for attention and i dont want to be that kind of person but i cant help being a shitty person

i dont know if ill be better or if i want to be. maybe its like my mum said. ill be depressed forever. now im getting on well with her and i hate feeling like this bc everything is fine and im here feeling terrible and ruining everything. i always do everything wfomg and i hate it. i cant find a solution but to blame myself.

the funny thing is that i could live like this anyway. i can picture myself being alone just studying and working and not hanging out with anyone in days weeks months... but i get anxiety attacks when im really trying to be fine bc when i fight depression i waste all my energies and i overthink bc i cant be sad around most of my friends bc they wont understand or itd be like im seeking attention or like i want them to be sorry for me and i also gdt boring and irritable and sometimes i get so clingy or i cant stop talking about mysekf. and also if i stop eating i have a purpouse. sth to look forward to. some readon to live maybe, bc its been months since ive had a dream or sth that i said well, i really want this in the next few minths/years.

my words are so tangled and i dont feel well at all and i know that maybe its bc i ate. i didnt want to. im not even hungry anymore. not even if my stomach growls loudly. i pprefer emptiness there. it fills the cold in my heart.

im so scared. i dont want to think like that but my mind is so clear when i dont eat. and then when i do this happens.

maybe i should talk to my therapist about this, and shell tell me if its fine or not that ive isolated myself. i havent isolated myself from everyone tho. i still want to talk to my exgf and my 2 friends who live in other city. but im pretty sure they dont want to talk with me. i wonder what i did.

im disconnected from everyone anyway. i wouldnt be able to talk.

i shouldnt tell that to my therapist too. idk. its difficult. i was going to tell her about all this on thursday. but i couldnt see her. and maybe now it seems like i want to seek her attention. or like i depend on her. or like i want to make her feel guilty. and its not like that. itd started before she cancelled the session. but maybe it seems an excuse.

every word from my mouth seems an excuse. maybe it's bc i need to justify my living.

[platypusepitome-blog]

hi, if you somehow have stumbled across this, I think I should put some sort of disclaimer or warning first for your well being, possible trigger warning and this is kinda personal and depressing.. idk // also psa looking for an internet friend 

okay so I guess I have this complex about myself or at least it feels like it where I have these problems, okay well everyone has problems but at the same time don't invalidate anyone's feelings you know? and some people have it worse because they do and I just want to be humble, I want to be thankful, and I want to be understanding. its difficult for me to talk about my stuff sometimes, which is weird because it wasn't always so hard, I feel more alone and isolated/distant than ever now though, I want to be like damn well fuck me bc shit sucks or something but it could be worse, it could always be worse and vice versa it could damn well be better too then I guess. I also don't want pity or to be treated like a charity case, although lately its less like that and more like people don't give a shit about me in general. I always heavily feel for people if I sense they're really going through it right now just because I relate, life is hard ughh like even if I can't relate bc I can admit I might not understand what someone is going through but I am sorry they're going through it ya know? and I would lend my ears for them or try to be of comfort and I know how to give space too. I don't know if this has any part to do with whatever either but I think about suicide like a lot actually and I kinda just let it pass. I’ve been dealing with it since uh well middle school. the first time I tried something, it was weird, I took a lot of painkillers but not enough, like 10 but my stomach felt so shitty after like an hour. I told my sister and she was concerned I guess, after I told her my stomach felt like shit she kinda was just like don't do dumb stuff then but nothing I ever did I guess was enough to really really concern anyone. My mom and step dad hid all the medicine stuff like Dayquil n Nyquil because I would sometimes use it to fall asleep. I think I have insomnia or something, my sleep schedule is fucked. but my mom didn't like it and lowkey thought I was abusing medicine stuff which I somewhat was but we never talked about it, weird because they were the ones looking for more open dialogue kinda? I never thought id see light past 18, I'm 19 and almost a half. although since leaving my moms and drowning with responsibility I feel like I'm in an even deeper whole than the one I was in prior. I don't know if its okay to put this out into the world either but I recently started cutting myself, I did it for like a week straight and quit cold turkey. I was too overwhelmed and my outlets for stress were not working. I have been tempted since. I was always too chicken to do it in high school but I did more of the medicine thing prior to cutting. I also got mixed in with substance abuse this past year, nothing too heavy but still wasn't healthy and way too expensive. I have more thoughts of throwing myself into the void and just wishing I was dead than serious acting out suicidal thoughts. but when life is really trying me it goes there, this summer was the first time I needed to seek help because i was feeling more willing and i couldn't push away the feeling by myself or let it pass and chatted with the suicide hotline, it kind of helped, it did calm me down but the online chats can take kinda long when its busy. the actual call scares me because its hard to talk about stuff, the tears just start falling and I don't want to choke or for my voice to crack. sometimes I feel like counseling doesn't help? I tried one briefly and yeah.. I cant afford a therapist. so I'm trying this for a change. writing usually helps and reading, both things I've been doing more of lately. I think its so wack even with how much I've written, this is pretty shallow, close to the surface but there is depth in sum spaces, which is nice n I appreciate. I have so much more to say but I'm already tired hahah, gud night :3