#i wish i could convey my thoughts into words more eloquently but this all i could do

[lynnerdo]

* The heart is not meant to rule *

Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x Atreides!Reader

Tag list: @wo-ming-bai

Slow burn, knife kink, blood kink, strangers to lovers, softer!Feyd-Rautha, CONSENT, 18+, arranged marriage, assassination, poison, murder, etc

Previous Chapter - The Fall Current Chapter - Blood for Blood

***

All you could do right now is wait it out, you thought to yourself. Your situation more dire than you had imagined, what if nothing ever changed on Giedi Prime, and you’d be stuck here for so long that Feyd would find someone else to fulfil his needs and wants. You frowned at the idea because it sounded so stupid in your head but doubt always likes to settle in at the worst of times.

Your thoughts quickly dispersed as you received a message from one of your staff.

“Another letter, my lady”, they spoke softly as they handed you a handwritten note in a sealed envelope.

The both of you had reverted to using an old-fashioned method of communications even if that meant that it would take a longer while. You both had a trusted servant who would make the trip and deliver them. The Baron had no idea of this, and it could not be traced easily. You had been doing this for weeks now, sending letter back and forth, updating each other on what was happening on your planets, reminding each other what you were fighting for.

*

Feyd sat down in his room, ink at the ready, a blank sheet before him. He stared at the empty page, struggling to find the words to convey his feelings.

“Dear Lady Atreides…”

He paused, feeling the inadequacy of his greeting. You, miles away on Caladan, had written him letters full of warmth and longing. Each word you wrote brought him comfort, yet he found himself unable to reciprocate with the same eloquence.

“I hope this letter finds you well. I miss you terribly. The days here are long and lonely without your presence.”

Feyd frowned, scratching out the last sentence. It sounded too formal, too detached. He wanted to tell you how his heart ached in your absence, how your memory haunted his dreams, but the words felt clumsy.

He tried again.

“Your last letter brought me much joy. Your words are like a balm to my soul. I wish I could express myself as beautifully as you do.”

Again, he hesitated. This wasn’t right either. His frustration grew, and he pushed the parchment aside, covering his hand over his face in shame.

“Why is this so difficult?” he mutters to himself.

It was then that he realised: he was a man of actions, not words. His strength lay in what he did, not what he wrote. You knew this about him, appreciated it even. You had always understood his need to show his feelings through deeds rather than letters.

He took a deep breath, a new resolve forming within him. Picking up the quill once more, he began to write.

“My dearest, I have struggled to find the right words to tell you how much you mean to me. Every attempt feels insufficient. So, instead of words, I send you this token of my affection.”

He reached into a small box on his desk and took out a very intricate looking pendant. He had commissioned this a while back but never found the time and place to give it to you. Bearing the crest of House Atreides intertwined with that of House Harkonnen, a symbol of your forbidden yet unbreakable bond.

As he continued writing, the words flowed more easily.

“This pendant represents my promise to you. No matter the distance, no matter the danger, my heart is with you always. I will come to you as soon as I can, to show you what my words cannot express. He will not stand in our way much longer. Yours always, Feyd.”

Sealing the letter with the pendant inside, Feyd felt a sense of relief. He knew that you would understand. He allowed himself a rare smile, thinking about you wearing the pendant as soon as you read the letter, knowing that his love would feel the depth of his emotions.

*

As you finish reading the letter you’re practically cry-laughing. His letter short and direct, but the pendant gorgeously detailed and intricate. The design of it making your heart flutter in all the right ways.

You glance back at the letter and wonder what he meant by those last words about the Baron. It seemed like a threat, and you just hope he won’t do anything stupid.

*

After giving the letter to the trusted servant Feyd goes into the palace again and challenges the Baron to a duel, fully knowing that the Baron never fights his own battles. You would be telling him how stupid this was, and how he broke his promise to not do anything risky while you were gone. But he simply cannot handle this anymore. His hatred for the Baron is overtaking his every thought, and now he finally found the courage to overthrow his abuser.

To Feyd’s surprise the Baron almost immediately agrees to a duel, choosing one of their best assassins as an opponent. Feyd knew something was up but had no idea who to trust. Luckily, Tula had been loyal as ever to the both of you, so she had been able to get intel before the duel.

She told Feyd about how this was not going to be a fair match, since Feyd was their best fighter, so they had arranged the assassin’s blades, so they were coated with poison. Highly illegal, but necessary if the Baron wanted Feyd dead.

“So, all I have to do is not get struck,” Feyd spoke matter of fact. As if it was that simple.

Tula raised her eyebrows at him. Almost in disbelief at how fast he shrugged this deafening information off him.

“My lord na-baron… If you get hit once…”, she didn’t want to finish her sentence, for the looming doom sounded too dark to utter.

He stared at her face for a while, knowing the implications, agreeing that he had to be careful. He felt a moment of weakness, of himself opening up to her.

“If I ever want to see her again…” he spoke while looking away.

Tula felt his persistence and understood how he felt, her own appreciation and love for you convincing her that this was the only option. She had faith in him, knew he would overcome, but feared the other outcome greatly.

*

Feyd Rautha stood in the dimly lit arena, the sand beneath his feet a stark reminder of the deadly encounter ahead. The Baron's chosen champion stepped forward, his eyes gleaming with a murderous intent. Feyd noticed the subtle exchange between the Baron and his fighter—a set of blades, their edges glinting ominously in the light. Feyd’s heart sank. The poison. Tula had been a respectable associate.

The battle began with a flurry of movements, both fighters clashing with ferocity. Feyd's opponent was relentless, his skill evident in every precise strike and parry. Feyd, though equally skilled, found himself pushed to the brink, barely keeping up with the brutal onslaught. Both men kept doing the deadly dance for what felt like ages, often times coming close to striking each other but never quite.

Feyd got distracted by the crowd, definitely cheering him on, but also reminding him of what he would lose should he die. Then, it happened. A sharp, searing pain in his shoulder as the poisoned blade found its mark. Feyd staggered, feeling the venom course through his veins. His vision blurred, and he could hear the Baron's triumphant laughter echoing through the arena.

But Feyd refused to fall. Summoning the last of his strength, he launched a desperate counterattack, his movements fueled by sheer willpower. In a swift, decisive strike, he brought down the Baron's champion, the man crumpling to the ground in a lifeless heap. The arena fell silent, all eyes on Feyd as he stood over his fallen opponent, panting heavily. The Baron, watching from his perch, smiled coldly, confident in his victory despite his fighter's defeat. Feyd should be collapsing any moment now, succumbing to the deadly poison.

But Feyd remained standing. Minutes passed, and he did not fall. The Baron’s smile faltered, confusion and anger replacing his smug confidence. Why was Feyd still alive? The crowd went from a silence to a roaring mass, scream-shouting Feyd’s name, for a new Baron had risen before their eyes.

Feyd met the Baron's gaze, a defiant glint in his eyes. He understood now. The poison was the same as that from the viper on Caladan, the same venom that had nearly claimed his life once before. It felt almost poetic. If he were to write about it, he could make up 30 different ways of how you indirectly saved his life multiple times without realising it.

Realization dawned on the Baron, his face contorting in rage and disbelief. Feyd straightened, a victorious smile playing on his lips. He had not only survived the duel but had exposed the Baron’s treachery and emerged stronger for it.

As the arena erupted in cheers for Feyd, he silently vowed to himself and the reader who had saved him: this was just the beginning. Together, they would face whatever challenges lay ahead, their bond and their combined strength unbreakable.

[soupcanspecimen]

I wish I was better at conveying my thoughts more eloquently but here's my very late journal of my thoughts on ep12.

After some technical difficulties I finally watched ep12 and I've go to say:

I LOVED IT SO DAMN MUCH YOU GUYS!!!! THIS SEASON FINALE WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!!!!

That opening scene was so tense, you could literally cut the tension with a knife because of how thick it is.

Manaria was being a bitch again, I have a section on that so wait for that. The amulet was shown again but it wasn't used, I'm still crossing my fingers though because they keep focusing on that thing way too much! The scales were used in this episode however and DEAR GOD the that Ceremony had me at the edge of my seat clenchining my ass! I was legit going to die when Rae pulled out that twig!

I went from saying" never let this girl cook again" to laughing with joy when the tree sprouted up! Also can we talk about the tree for a minute? Imagine my fucking shock and hysterical breamdowm as a Lumity fan when I saw that tree for the first time! It was a tree that represented their love! You know what tree also basically does the same thing?

THE FUCKING LUMITREE!!!! THEY HAVE THEIR OWN FUCKING LUMITREE!!?!? WHEN I THOUGHT RAECLAIR DIDNT HAVE ANYMORE SIMILARITIES TO LUMITY IT KEEPS PROVING ME WRONG!!!! THESE TWO SHIPS SHARE SO MUCH DNA WITH EACHOTHER ITS UNREAL!!!! AM I LIKE THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS!?!?

Ahem anyways.

Rae's confession was so raw and emotional to where you can feel the love flowing out of her words and you can see this is different from her other confessions cause she saying what she's wanted to say since the start and without hiding behind a mask this time. And when Clair admitted her feelings by pulling Rae away to protect her it was super sweet and shows that she's truly grown close to Rae. She even starts calling Rae by her name near the end of the episode instead of calling her "Commoner".

Clair was also great this episode, and she actually took my advice from my episode 11 rent post and reflected on her time with Rae. Her Freudian slips and gay panic because she's finally starting to fall for Rae were super cute and gave me a lot of "Ayo pause, run that back" moments!

And also

CLAIRMATO!!!!!

Speaking of Clair starting to fall for Rae

THEY DID IT, Y'ALL THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! CONGRATULATIONS TO THE BOTH OF YOU!!!!

God I love these two so much guys! And I would love to bestow this ship with the highest honor I can give. I've recently mace a rule to myself when it comes to ships to not use this quote lightly for it is only reserved for ships that have truly earned my respect. Ahem (*Deep Inhale)

THEYRE ADORABLE AND DESERVE ALL THE HAPPINESS!!!!

I never thought that I would ever find a ship that would ever hit the same way as Lumity did! Even if they were cut from the same cloth!

GIVE ME A SEASON 2

NOW 🌩👄🌩

The Manaria Section:

I still hate Manaria my reasoning has just changed. Like, bruh, there is actually something wrong with you! Was any of what you said real!? Did you actually violate someone or was that story also just part of your plan!? Did you have like a back up or something if either you or Rae failed!? I legit can't read you, you're actually insane! You really are the single worst wingwoman I've ever seen, cause there were a million other ways to go about it, yet you somehow picked the wrong answer. You even ruined the confession, I mean who does that?!? I am for real about to throw hands! To be honest it would make sense if you were lying since you're a technically a politician after all, that's like your guy's whole thing.

Bitch don't come back.

I think most of my recorded reaction was just me cursing at her and wanting her to die, I need to get better at insults after looking back at the recording

[the-al-chemist]

The Beginning of a Symphony - Chapter 30

A/N: Jim finally takes action, but is it too little, too late?

OCs featured/mentioned: Ivy Anders and Shiv Llewelyn @kc-and-co

Warnings: the idiots in love are back again. This time, there’s a misunderstanding.

February 1897

Dear Héloïse,

I am writing to you today in order to express my feelings of deep affection and endearment towards you, and to put forward an offer of courtship - more specifically, my courtship of yourself.

Jim sighed crossly before scrunching up the sheet of parchment in front of him, throwing it into the fireplace, and placing his head in his hands. This was hopeless. He was hopeless.

Ever since receiving Héloïse’s Christmas gift, Jim had been considering his feelings for her, and had come to the conclusion that he did indeed wish to court her. However, having never courted anyone before, he had not known how to go about it; and with the alarming rate at which rumours tended to spread around the school, he did not feel comfortable seeking advice on the matter from any of his peers. After all, he couldn’t bear to even think what Ethel would do and say if she were to get wind of his ambition, and it would hardly be romantic for Héloïse to hear about his feelings from others rather than from him telling her himself. But how to tell her without his nerves getting the better of him and words failing him entirely?

Finally, and thankfully, an idea came to Jim at the beginning of February. Saint Valentine’s Day was approaching, and therein lay his opportunity. It was traditional to send letters conveying messages of one’s secret affection to one’s sweetheart, and this is what he would do. Not only would it be fittingly romantic, but also, his stammer and nerves could not prevent him from expressing himself in writing. It was perfect.

Or so Jim had thought, until he had finally sat down to write his letter the night before Saint Valentine’s Day, and found himself unable to set his words down on paper. He had suspected that he would be unable to speak them out loud, but now it seemed that he could not even write about his feelings.

He groaned and lifted his head. There was nothing for it but to try again. And so, he picked up his quill and dipped it into his inkpot, before starting over on a fresh piece of parchment.

Dear Héloïse,

Jim shook his head. No. That would not do. If he was to make the effort to write with feeling to Héloïse, he should make the effort to write to her in her own language. A wave of his wand, and the parchment was clean once more.

Cher Héloïse,

Was that right? Jim wasn’t sure. He tried again.

Cherre Héloïse,

That still looked wrong. Jim sighed again, wishing that he had persevered with Brady’s French tuition. He used his wand to vanish the last two letters, then re-conjure them, then vanish them again, before deciding that he was better off leaving the word out altogether. He took a deep breath, took a look at the starry night sky outside the window, and tried again.

Héloïse,

I do not know whether or not the feast of Saint Valentine is celebrated in France, but here, we mark the occasion by sending letters of affection to those we care about, particularly to those who do not know the depth of our affections. Until now, I have never felt the need to write to anyone, for never before have I felt such deep affection that it has inspired such a letter, but this year that has changed, and so I have decided to write a single letter - this.

Perhaps if I had more eloquence and more nerve, if I were bolder and had no impediment, I would be able to tell you about my feelings myself, to look you in the eye and speak them out loud, but alas, I am not. If I were, I should tell you how beautiful you are, how clever, how whenever you are not near, I long to see your face, and when you are silent I long to hear your voice. How whenever you are sad, my heart seems to ache with you, and whenever you smile, it feels like the morning sun rising with the dawn.

I wish I could tell you all this and more, but my character prevents it. Please, let me assure you that my inability to express myself to you directly is due to cowardice, but not insincerity. I may not be bold, but I am true, and truly I am

Ever yours,

Jim.

He placed his quill down and read the letter. It was not perfect, as he had hoped it would be, but it was good enough for him. Hopefully, it would be good enough for Héloïse, too. He sealed the letter, made his way to the dormitory, and placed the letter under his pillow.

After a fitful night of sleep, Jim awoke to a beam of bright sunlight entering the dormitory through the window and shining on his face. He realised now that had been wrong to write that Héloïse’s smile was like the morning sun; he knew which of those two things he would prefer to wake up to.

The shocking impropriety of his own thoughts caused him to sit upright, suddenly awake, and he quickly checked beneath his pillow to ensure that the letter was still safely there. It was, but then, why would it not have been? After all, the dormitory was empty, both Maxwell and Lysander already at Quidditch practice. Jim was alone, which meant that it was now or never.

As quickly as he could with his trembling fingers, Jim dressed himself, checking his reflection in the mirror by the door of the dormitory before he left it. He looked presentable, at least, and so he made his way up to the Great Hall, his handwritten letter tucked into his left breast pocket.

The Great Hall looked as it usually did, the enchanted ceiling a pale lilac with the snowy sunrise, a hundred candles floating beneath it, and four tables stretching the length of the Hall, each one adorned with cloths of either yellow, red, green, or blue. At one end of the blue-decked table, Jim picked out the red-haired head of Siobhan Llewelyn, and as Shiv leant forward to whisper to the person sitting opposite her, she revealed Héloïse sitting on her other side, her black curls falling gracefully over her shoulders and dark eyes sparkling in the morning light. Jim swallowed, his mouth bone dry, and forced his feet to carry himself towards her.

As he did, his heart sank, for as he drew closer to where Héloïse was sitting with the other two girls, he was able to make out several unwrapped boxes, a greetings card, and a few letters, all strewn across the table in front of Héloïse.

Of course, Jim realised. How could he have been so stupid? Héloïse was beautiful, and clever, and wonderful. How could he have presumed that he would be the only one wishing to court her? How could he have thought that she would desire his affection when she could have the affection of anyone she chose?

All of a sudden, the heartfelt letter in his pocket seemed so redundant, so painfully insignificant. Jim could not bear to give it to her, to see it among the other tokens of affection that Héloïse had been given. And so, when Héloïse made eye contact with him and smiled, he did no more than nod in response before turning and walking out of the Great Hall without so much as greeting her.

Miserable, Jim returned to the Hufflepuff Common Room, and placed the letter in the same place as he had thrown all his previous attempts: in the fireplace.

He watched the parchment crumple and blacken and burn, the light of the fire stinging his eyes nearly to the point of watering. He did not know how long he sat at the fireside for, but eventually he was interrupted by the arrival of the Lysander, Maxwell, and the rest of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, along with his cousin Ivy. As soon as Ivy’s eyes met his, her face fell, and she joined him in front of the fire.

“Whatever is the matter, Jimmy?”

“I… Nothing. I am quite well, Ivy. Do not fret about me.”

The look in Ivy’s eyes made it quite clear that she was fretting, but she sighed and smiled at him.

“Very well, Jim. I shall not ask you what is wrong,” she said. “However, I shall propose a way to cheer you up.”

“I’m not… I am in no need of cheering, Ivy.”

“I can see that you are. And even if you were not, I think you would enjoy what I have in mind. A party,”

Jim frowned. “I do not like parties.”

“Not even a birthday party?”

“Whose birthday is it?”

“Really? You don’t know?” Ivy asked, and Jim shook his head. “Why, it’s Héloïse’s birthday.”

“Héloïse Perrault?”

“Who else? I thought that you would have known, Jim, the two of you are friends, are you not?”

“We are, but…” Jim’s voice tailed off, and he looked at the fireplace in horror. He had made a terrible error, he knew that now. “I didn’t know! I… I did not even say good morning to her at breakfast, I left and I came back here and then…”

“Well, that is no matter, Jim. You can say all you want to say to her at the party.”

But Jim couldn’t say all that he wanted to say. He had only just managed to write all that he wanted to say, and now he had burned the letter holding all his words.

But he could not tell Ivy that, of course, so instead he told her: “I have not a present to give her.”

“I am sure that she will not mind.”

“But I did not give her one for Christmas, and she gave me that sketchbook, and now…”

“Then why don’t you sketch something for her?” Ivy suggested. “You have a couple of hours until you need to be there, after all. She is always spending time at the Astronomy tower. Maybe you could draw the view from there, or something like that? Or you could get her something little. She likes chocolate.” Jim said nothing, and Ivy sighed and stood up. “Very well. But believe me, Jim, you will be better showing up empty handed than not going at all.”

With that, Ivy walked away in the direction of the dormitories, leaving Jim alone with the last dying embers of what he had intended to give to Héloïse.

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[midas-well]

Identity

I find it bothersome to an extent that one is so frequently without a sense of self. To not exist in reality, to not be your own person, to not have your own person to be.

Frequently we will find ourselves aimless in existence. What is there to do? What is it that one is interested in? What can the void of time be filled with to keep oneself occupied and entertained? What is it that I like and enjoy?

I think I know what it is I like, that I learned it swiftly before any suggestions were made from our ask. I believe that I enjoy writing. Language, words, making things sound charming and eloquent... I enjoy it. I may not be a poet but I wish to convey with the words I use that which I feel, think, experience. So yes, I enjoy writing.

But then what do I write?

I have not thought it until just now, merely two paragraphs in the past. But my desire to write, the fact it calls to me, is still quite aimless. As has always been the case with our desire to create: what would the subject matter be?

I suppose it does not help that one takes it poorly to find something similar to their own work, not wishing to be seen as a copy nor to be copied. To be unoriginal is to die.

Is it strange to never have a sense of self? Perhaps not. But it is so, so very challenging to discover that which makes one unique, to uncover the aspects that have been buried due to necessity. Due to a lack of resources, lack of support.

I do not know it if we are indeed separated, dissociated, enough to have DID. But we are long past the point of return. One does not feel comfortable saying "my hair" in the mirror--I know, for we tried moments ago. It feels as though we do not dissociate enough.

And yet as I say such a thing, suddenly I am observing the mental image, memory or present, of the void aura that extends from us, making the space feel strangely separate, showing me that we are in fact dissociated. But it is only natural now, as we are focusing primarily on writing this post.

I would say the dissociation is not severe, but... I am also reminded instantly that severity can be in frequency and intensity. It may not be intense dissociation that causes great distress, but it is frequent, near all day every day.

If only one knew what it were like to be truly, fully present in reality, tethered to the ground instead of hovering just above it. If only one could ever comprehend the idea that I am a single unit, a whole, rather than a fractured self.

It has always been more comfortable to think of oneself as parts of a whole, that there is simply other versions of me, and to never have been connected enough to the self to have any distinct self.

My interests, identity, never mattered. I have always been, always was, a conglomerate of reactions. I always considered myself passive, reactive, because that was how I floated through life. I could never be active, assertive. Nobody particularly cared enough to ask me of myself. It was only ever an interjection, a 'by the way'. And nobody cared to listen. So I was a ghost.

It has taken 20 years to finally start to see myself. To realize I can be more than a blank canvas. It may be torn, scrapped together, cut open in places and scratched or stretched in others, but that is me. And I don't have to be blank forever, as beautiful as I always find them to be. Maybe it is worth experimenting sometimes.

[hermit-called-he]

PARALYZED

Why do I feel paralyzed when I talk to you?

Why do you make me feel like I'm in a frozen spot in time?

Like I'm never going to stop being with you?

Talking to you is like letting my mind roam free

Like nothing else matters to me

Like I'll never be happier than I am when I watch you type on the screen

That's all it is

It's just writing on a screen

I can't stop imagining what those little words mean

Do you love me or is that just my dream?

Waiting for you to reply makes me feel paralyzed

I shake and check my phone for minutes on end

Refreshing over and over again just to see if you saw my message or if this should be the last message I send

It's so fucking depressing

I could scream from the aggressive thoughts that plague my mind

Are we forever or are we on our way to dying?

I feel like one day I might get tired of trying

To get your attention

To get you out of your shell casing

To let you know how much love I have

For your antisocial heart

Your words never fail to hit me like a bunch of expertly thrown darts

The way you text fills me with happiness

You weave words like any good seamstress

So eloquent, so charming

I could melt forever into your expert word crafting

You don't know how much I feel for you behind this phone screen

Chatting incessantly, asking friends what those golden words of yours mean,

Blushing like a girl on her sweet sixteen

I scream

Into the void at night

Wondering what you're like behind your screen in my hazy dreams

Is your smile bright?

Is your voice deep like the depths of the ocean?

Will you convey emotion

When you talk to me face to face?

Weave your words to make me forget our time and place?

You already live in my mind

Even if I've only known you for a short period of time

And I'd never go back to find

Anyone else, even if they promised me a million dimes

The way you see yourself makes me sad

That you can't see that you're better than not bad

I want to show you that I'm more than just glad

Glad to be your friend, if you could even call us that

I want to be more than someone who you just chitchat

You, sir, are handsome as any tomcat

Some days I wish my mind didn't prevent me from telling you that

[jenivi]

Top 5 persona moments?? :0

okay, i don’t have a particular order for this so keep that in mind!! oh and there’s gonna be some bias because these mostly revolve around my favorite characters sooo

1) dates with elizabeth - persona 3 (but tbh i dont see them as dates, we’re just hangin out!)

this is where i fell in love with her <333 here, we get to show elizabeth around the in the outside world because she’s spent all her time in the velvet room. she’s so dumb (in an endearing way,, ok she’s not even dumb she’s one of the most intelligent people ever). i love the whole sequence of events that occur during these dates, but to keep it short, one of the more memorable things that happens is when she literally pours a million of yen into a fountain after hearing that it’s a custom to throw some coins in to grant wishes. then she finds another fountain and pours a million more into that one. after that, she finds a THIRD one and pours a million yen in that one as well. and this happens on the first date too lmao

2) consoling yosuke (sl rank 8, aka hug scene) - persona 4

ok this is an obvious one. yeah, ofc it’s because i love them together,,, but even looking past the ship, yosuke in this scene wholeheartedly opens up to yu and is showing his vulnerable side. and that means so much because his whole thing is masking how he feels in front of others and trying to make himself seem unbothered by what people say about him. yu is really the only person he really talks to like this, so i just really felt this idk askjfg

3) mishima’s cheers of support - persona 5

such an underrated moment. while everything was in destruction, everyone was losing faith in the phantom thieves and were forgetting about them in the time the phantom theives needed it most (they literally needed people to believe they existed), but NOT MISHIMA !! he was the only one cheering them on and helped everyone else wake up and realize how much the phantom thieves have done for them. when he raised his hand up and yelled some sense into everyone, i felt it was one of the more powerful moments toward the end of the game (maybe i just really liked mishima too lol). without him there to support them like he always has, things for sure would have turn out for the worst. 

4) makoto/minato(virgin walk)’s last moments - persona 3

i REALLY had to process what just happened after watching this cutscene (and to make matters worse, kimi no kioku played in the background). everything just made me feel so sad: the music; hearing aigis, A ROBOT who’s whole arc was to learn to be more human, break into tears; and all his friends racing to the rooftop they promised to meet up on only to see find him lifeless when they finally reach the top. although i wasn’t too attached to the characters in persona 3, i became attached to the main character for the most stupidest reason. as my sister and i played persona 3 (FES if we wanna be specific), we kinda characterized him through his dumb smug dialogue choices and most importantly his walking animation. from this, we nicknamed him virgin walk. i literally bawled my eyes out crying out, “VIRGIN WALK NOOO” as credits were rolling. 

5) yu leaving on the train - persona 4

ok complete big bias here because persona 4 is my favorite of the 3 games i’ve played. oh and for extra background too, i played vanilla persona 4, so that’s the persona 4 i’m talking about. anyway, although the ending is a happy one, i found it so bittersweet that yu had to leave all the friends he made behind. persona 4 is such a character driven story. so much time is spent understanding and knowing the characters, so you, the player, kinda get close to all the characters as well. in a way, it feels like you, yourself, are saying goodbye to them too. it’s even sadder when all of them start running after the train as you leave and yell their final goodbyes. while this happens, corner of memories begins to play and straight afterward, when the cutscene ends, nevermore plays for the credits. man, it REALLY hits because that’s the motif that’s been playing throughout the whole entire game. i feel so many things from this ending (and tbh the way persona 4 golden ends kind of messes with the mood the original tried to convey but thats a different rant).

[gay-dorito-dust]

Can you write headcanons for morpheus with a violinist reader? Please ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Absolutely! ❤️❤️❤️

fun fact: when I was away on holiday with my mates family, I learnt that her dad was not only a guitarist but also a violinist. (beginner obviously)

A/n: this went on for quite a bit that it kinda became a slight Drabble and got a tad of a brain fart on how to finish it at the end…oops 🦦

It’s no real secret that Morpheus held his artists, writers and musicians to the highest degree. After all they inspire and ignite dreams within others whilst actively achieving their own along the way.

They are what kept the dreaming alive in Morpheus’s opinion for without it them, where would he, the dreaming and it’s populace be if not lost to the stars.

So when the lord of the realm of dreams started indulging in romantic relations with you, a violinist, after a coincidental interaction at a recent recital of yours down at your towns local theatre. It was bound to become an inside joke that only the two of you would understand. Much like all relationships did when reminiscing on the first meet cute.

Morpheus knew of the works you have, will and never get the chance to perform within your lifetime. They were his personal favourites as he could feel the amount of effort, love and respect you had as a violinist. Each piece was a either a love letter to the people who started and ignited the dreams of yours and others to per-sue a familiar path. Wether they be family, friends or historical figureheads who paved the way for future generations.

He even found a love for the pieces that sang of a lost love, a bygone friendship or that of a unfortunate tragedy. Without the use of the voice of a singer, the music was gifted the ability to tell the story instead through the vast compositions.

Throughout the story’s highest of highs and lowest of lows, the music flowed from one pivotal moment to the next like that of a flowing river, transitioning with seamless ease. These were the moments that morpheus loved the most about music and to have you possessing such an ability made him feel all the more blessed.

When you weren’t playing the violin however, morpheus would take your hands in his and runs his fingertips against the callouses of your hands with such a tenderness.

Even going so far as to press kisses against them as a sign of his worship of you; Which left you with a sense of pride swelling with your chest alongside an abundance of love towards the endless. For even without the use of words Morpheus manages to recapture your heart each and every time that it sparked a plethora of ideas for future pieces.

Yet it was proven a difficult to somehow convey your every thought, from the first to last, you’ve ever convinced about morpheus never less the emotions he made you feel. For no amount of time and effort put into the creation of something befitting of someone of your lovers status was no easy feet to accomplish.

For you to encapsulate what Morpheus meant to you was to re-enact your emotions, your thought process, to even your physical stance of when you first met him during the recital. How he seemed to stand out in the crowd despite it not being his intention as he could easily blend in amongst the human populace, if he so wished.

You remembered the entranced state he put you under when he seeked you out personally for your music had -as he had so eloquently said- ensnared him mind, body and soul. And said it with the straightest face you have ever seen on another person.

You had even kept yourself up at night trying to perfect it until it met your standards but failed to realise that without your presence within the dreaming, morpheus has became worried that something had befell you and made haste to the waking realm at once to where he now stood in the doorway of your room.

“My beloved.” You looked up to be greeted with starry eyes that glowed their silver light into your own, glimmering with worry much like his voice did. “What ales you from sleeping?” He speaks softly as he gets you to lower the violin back into it’s casing, placing the bow next to it as he began massaging the tense muscles that held the instrument by the neck.

“I’m trying to make something for you but nothing seems perfect enough or gift you for our upcoming anniversary.” You told him whilst fighting back a yawn. Sudden drowsiness seemed to be the major effect that Morpheus had on you whenever you were within his presence; Something of which that wasn’t uncommon on sleepless nights like these.

“Perfect or not I’d still encase them within the finest frames in my palace walls for all to see.” Anything thing about dating Morpheus was that of his tendency to display everything you did to the people of the dreaming. Whilst it was pleasing and all you did create them with your lover and loved alone in mind.

Your apprehension must’ve been clear enough to be seen within the dimly light room as Morpheus’s face softens as he rested his forehead against yours so he could stare deeper into your eyes. “What is it my love? Does that not please you?”

“Everything I make, I make with you in mind Morpheus,” you tell him, “whilst I’m honoured that you wish to share my creations with the dreaming folk…I just wish you’d act on your selfishness and horde them for only your eyes to see.”

Morpheus’s face held no emotion for a brief moment before a soft smile blessed his plush, pouty lips. “If that is what my muse wishes then so be it. I wasn’t fond of sharing what I now know was intended for my eyes alone in the first place.” He replied, pressing a kiss against your lips before adding on, “though I’m not ashamed in showing how extraordinarily talented you are, for it sends a reminder that you are no one else’s but mine and I’m yours.”

[komoreangel]

𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬

pairing: kazuha x reader

scenario: kazuha takes you to the lake for a romantic getaway, and he finds himself reminiscing of days long gone…ah, but you’re here with him, and that’s the only blessing he really needs, isn’t it?

genre: fluff, kazuha misses his friend but he loves u a lot !! + kazuha with messy hair hdbnd

request: KAZUHA AND HIS S/O SWIMMIGN TOGTHER IN A LAKE <\\3 SO ROMANTIC

a/n: SO TRUE ANON!! man,,,no ones doing it like kazuha,,,sexy and romantic? 🏃‍♀️

he woke you up that morning with a soft grin, telling you he had great plans for the day ahead. you had only just woken up, and already the words that fell upon your ears were nothing short of adoration, along with him trying his best to convince you to agree.

his efforts were in vain, because you would’ve followed him anywhere without hesitation. after getting dressed and grabbing your things, he took you by the hand and the two of you made your way out of the harbor. the crux was temporarily docked there while beidou visited ningguang (which the crew knew could take days, as it was painfully obvious they were more than just business partners).

“kazuha, where are you taking me?” you asked him after a while. you had thought he was planning on going to guyun stone forest again, as the shores of his homeland, inazuma, we’re faintly visible from there. he loved telling you stories about the land of his birth, and always said he’d take you there someday.

“don’t fret, y/n, it’s just a different route this time,” he assured you. however, the farther you got from the coast, the more you realized he had a different location in mind. before you could joke about how he’d tricked you, the two of you stood on a cliff overlooking luhua pool.

he offered to carry your bag and set it down in the sand. “darling, come here,” he called. you went over to him, leaning your head on his shoulder as you gazed at the crystal blue waters in front of you. the weather was rather nice that day, and he was ecstatic to have you here with him.

after enjoying the scenery for a while, he once more took you by the hand, with his eyes only on you and nowhere else. “you want to go in?” you have to admit, the water was gorgeous, and it had been getting a bit hot, as if the sun itself would concede to his wishes. “but i’m just in my clothes, i don’t..” he pulled you closer to the water, slightly chuckling at your protests.

“relax, dearest. there’s no harm in getting your clothes wet, is there? it’s hot enough outside that just setting them on the deck will dry them by tomorrow.” you can’t help but agree with him, especially when he looks at you like that. “alright, but if my clothes get ruined, it’s on you.” you tell him. his eyes light up at your words, and the two of you head closer to the water.

“of course, i’ll take full responsibility.” he replies, and as he steps further into the lake, you follow after him. you move your foot forwards, not realizing how deep the water is, and before you can stop yourself, are falling headfirst into the lake. your hair, along with all of your clothes, are now soaked. to your surprise (and slight annoyance), kazuha lifts you up with one hand, his hands steadying you.

“be careful, y/n. we don’t want you drowning, now do we?” you are slightly miffed that he didn’t help you earlier (because from past experience you know he was fully capable of stopping you from falling) and in retaliation you lean down into the water, as if to look for something. he notices, and turns towards you. “is something the matter?”

“yeah, i’m looking for my bracelet, it fell off in the water.” at this, he also leans down beside you, unaware that the bracelet you speak of is actually in your bag, which he was carrying earlier. as soon as his face nears the water, you push him down, his surprise evident as he lets out a yelp of surprise. you laugh at his struggle, as for once, the man who is always ever so eloquent and full of nothing but the most elegant of words is startled.

his head rises above the water with a tired smile on his face. “i suppose i should’ve expected that, hm?” his hair is wet, and has gotten messy from the sudden submersion into the lake. despite it being a prank of yours, you can’t help but think he looks even prettier this way. you help him up, continuing to laugh as you do so.

"sorry," you say between giggles. he continues to grin, pausing to add, "you didn't actually lose the bracelet, did you?" the bracelet was a gift from him to you for one of your anniversaries. "of course not, kaz. i'd never lose it."

he smiles at you and turns his gaze to the water. it wasn't long ago he was standing here with tomo... hoping to himself that things would forever stay that way. moments like these are when he truly understands the shogun's desire for 'eternity'. for the time we spend with our loved ones to last forever, and for the emotions and feelings we hold dearly to never end.

"kazuha, are you okay?" you've moved towards him, your hand on his shoulder. he falters a bit. "ah...yes, darling, don't worry. just lost in a thought, that's all." the smile you give at his words is everything to him, even if you don't know it. "thank you for bringing me here, kazuha. i know it's an important place to you."

so you'd known what he was feeling the whole time? he'd always said you understood him like no one else did, but apparently even he didn't know to what extent. he feels so comforted in your presence, like he doesn't have to say anything to convey his feelings. you just know, and vice versa.

he's never felt more grateful to have someone like you by his side. maybe, even though tomo is long gone, his friend had done him one final favor and pushed you in his direction. because to be in love with a person as amazing as you, kazuha believes there's got to be some other force of nature at work.

a/n: IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG ANON </3 I MEANT TO RELEASE IT EARLIER I SWEAR. there goes kit again with her wack post schedule. BUT 2.1 IS OUT!! AND SCARAMOUCHE APPEARED!! FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!! all jokes aside IM SO HAPPY HE FINALLY SHOWED UP. LIKE....GENUINELY WHEN I WAS PLAYING THE UPDATE AND I SAW HIM I WAS VERY VERY SATISFIED 10/10 !! i also learned the way i portray him might be completely ooc...which is fine its fine im fine- but i think i will be posting more scara content (whos surprised) just to celebrate plus i also wanted to get this one out before another day goes by where i forget, thank u for reading !! <33

[adikas-anonymous]

@littleferal is doing an author appreciation event and i was going to participate, but then i realized my list for shout outs was way too long and i didn’t want to flood their inbox, so i thought it better to make it a post instead. thank you for getting this started, Lissie! sorry in advance to anyone reading for how long winded this is..

@beskarberry 🎆 lellow you are a fuckin icon of a writer; Solisequious, Kudzu and literally all of your monsterfucking fics were some of the most inspiring works i’ve ever read. you aren’t afraid to just go there, to throw some batshit crazy things at the wall and see what sticks, and you do it so eloquently it leaves me breathless and desperate for more. it’s also been an honor working on that project i spoke to you about. hopefully it’ll be done soon so i can spread the love of your stuff even more 😈

@starlightmornings 🦋 you’ve always showed up randomly on my dash with one work or another, and i shit you not, there is not a single post i’ve come across that i haven’t enjoyed. your style is so immersive and doesn’t fail to leave me on the edge of my seat! and lets not forget the fucking masterpiece that is Easy, Girl. that was the sort of content i was sorely needing at the time and i didn’t even know it. thank you <3

@absurdthirst ⚜️ keri you are by far the biggest percentage in my likes list. you’re one of the most prolific writers i know of and you always seem to be having fun with everything you write! it makes it that much better and more fun to read the endless treasure trove that is not just your works masterlists, but the ones you reblog too. your blog is always the place i go to when i need a good one shot, or need to expand my horizons to other blogs, since you have so many others in the “find a fic” tag and just normal reblogs in general. you are also so kind and understanding, allowing people to talk about whatever they need to in your inbox; it’s impressive! the following message is for you AND constance!

@wardenparker 💚 friend, you and keri fucking kill me with every word of Wish You Were Here. the way you convey emotion in your writing is so gentle but so realistic at the same time, the grief, the joy, the fluster, and the approach you take to every character in the way they have conversations just- AGHHDHHSKEEMAKQ i just love y’all so much for that work. in the coming year, constance, i’ve made it a point to make sure i read more of your stuff since i’m new to your blog; the whole masterlist by february, that’s the goal, and i could not be more stoked to complete it!

@blueeyesatnight 🌌 YEESH WHERE DO I START, i get so excited whenever i see something of yours come into my orbit. you’re one of the few writers that i don’t have notifications turned on for, but that’s only for the fact that i get SO much joy and pure serotonin when i’m surprised by a post of yours showing up somewhere! seriously, it makes my day so much better every time i find and save one for later so i have something to look forward to at the end of the day. it’s actually improved my day to day life a helluva lot, and for that i am so thankful. back to you specifically, the way you write your characters is so expertly refined, ESPECIALLY pero omfg, and the detail you go into for imagery, among other things, just takes my breath away, i love it

@dincrypt 🌃 i mean. come on. you know where i’m going with this. DADDY DIN GANG NEVER DIES!! E&M is one of those works i keep coming back to over and over and still never get tired of. i get bored really easy and skip a lot of words with most fics due to unintentional skimming and spoiling as a result (adhd is a bitch) but your fics are some of the few that i’ve held onto every, and i mean every word the entire time. E&M specifically is so immersive and well done, the slow burn is an actual slow burn which really helps when i get too spoiled by reading a bunch of things so fast that suddenly the plots all feel dull and blur together. this one forces the reader to take their time and really get a feel for how the characters’ minds work, and that is an aspect in writing i am so jealous of. it’s just SO GOOD, not to mention fulfilling for the kind of dynamic i dream of🥺

@unhinged-summer-fun 🦑 GOOD LOOOOORRD YOUR INATE ABILITY TO MAKE ME PINE FOR CHARACTERS I NEVER WANTED TO PINE FOR— it’s offensive (affectionate). i never would have gotten into Boba if it wasn’t for The Art of Second Place, and i mean never. sweet stars that fic has such a treasured place in my heart. and don’t even get me STARTED ON TRIPTYCH, THE YEARNING, THE YEEEEAAARRRNNNIIIINNNG, i love it i love it i love it, i was never a Pike fan until you. i love your writing so very much and i hope you are doing well right now

honorable mentions; I HAVENT KNOWN ABOUT YOUR BLOG LONG BUT YOUR WORK IS VERY GOOD AND I WANT TO GIVE YOU A LONG AND DETAILED COMPLIMENT LIKE YOU DESERVE BUT ALL I CAN COME UP WITH RN IS FBDKSOENXHIDOEMENXKSYOU’RE REALLY COOL AND ILY THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

@mandocrasis 🎇

@doveandgeography 🕊

@frannyzooey 🍀

@krissology 🥥

@radiowallet ⚛️

finally, i’ve got these last two because of what they mean to me on not just a reader’s admiration level, but also on a serious personal/social level. i haven’t known either of them personally for very long, but that means all the more with the amount of gentleness and hospitality they’ve treated me with since the moment we started speaking.

@ezrasbirdie 🏵 so not only had i coveted your works for the better part of a year, but when i finally had the balls to reach out and communicate to you how much i loved you and your stuff, plus the things i was struggling with, you welcomed it with open arms and gave me exactly the kind of interaction and friendship i was looking for when i came here. you told me things i didn’t know i needed to hear, made me cry multiple times with your writing AND your messages, and just overall you mean a heck of lot to me

@anaaaispunk 💟 you were so kind to me right out of the gate without even knowing who i was, which was already so elating enough, but with your one reblog of my art, i went from 0 to 9 followers, through which i became mutuals with a BUNCH OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS, INCLUDING YOU, and gained over 50 total notes, all in under an hour! i could not thank you enough for being so kind and welcoming, and helping me finally make a breakthrough into the social circle of the fandom that i’ve been admiring for so long. i hope that so many good things come your way and soon, because i mean it, i do not have enough time on this earth to thank you enough lovey!

I LOVE EACH AND EVERY PERSON ON THIS LIST ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS AND I HOPE Y’ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE WORTH!! YOUR WRITING IS AMAZING, YOU YOURSELF ARE AMAZING, AND YOU DESERVE EVEN MORE RECOGNITION THAN YOU ALREADY GET BECAUSE WOWIE GOOD SOUP MAN GOOD SOUP

I ALSO HOPE TO GET TO KNOW AT LEAST A COUPLE OF YOU NOW THAT IVE MADE A BREAKTHROUGH INTO THE FANDOM, AND I VERY MUCH LOOK FORWARD TO IT SHOULD THAT EVER BE IN THE CARDS! MAY MANY MANY GOOD THINGS COME TO YOU ALL IN THE NEW YEAR!!!

[kodzumie-archived]

Hello! I was wondering if I can request Nagito comforting his s/o who’s insecure of their acne scars? Thanks for taking your time to read this :)

❝I LOVE YOU THERE, TOO❞

Synopsis; If his words weren’t enough to clear the fog of misery, he’d find another way to prove to you that his admiration is sincere.

Featuring; Nagito Komaeda x GN! Reader

Warning(s); Established relationship, self-degrading thoughts, low self-esteem, breakdown, and hurt comfort.

Kodzumie’s Note; Absolutely, love! Thank you for your request. I hope you’ve had a wonderful day, and I also hope you know you’re absolutely precious. Take care, my dear! Muah! <3

➤ NAGITO KOMAEDA

⤷ Nagito Komaeda is a devoted lover. He hails you—his lover—for your every action and word, following you to the ends of the Earth as he babbles praise, restlessly.

⤷ He admires you entirely, and values every inch of you. He values your lips as they curl into the smile he oh-so adores; your hands that seem to fit within his like puzzle pieces; your eyes that glimmer as though they were brushed upon with a sheen of stardust, a glow that not even the constellations could rival.

⤷ His heart pulsated with a fondness that he harbored only for you. Intricate conveyance of his love for you muddled within his words; his ramblings that seemed to be phrases crammed together along with the conception of hope.

⤷ Though he tried his utmost best to display to you that he thought of you as perfection personified; what you deemed as flaws he had claimed to be his favorite parts (though he truly loved every part of you equally).

⤷ So he finds it hard to believe that someone as faultless as you would doubt themselves. Every sign seems almost overlooked as he begins to notice the subtle inklings of fragility within your gaze; a gaze that was not directed towards him, but to yourself.

⤷ The idea of you being unable to see the grace within yourself was estranged to him. How could you not see your own magnificence?

⤷ But it’s a truth and one that he struggles to accept. Every undeniable sign that you—his beloved constellation of hope—were truly rendered blind to your allure. Unable to perceive the eloquence of yourself; of the one Nagito swore to himself he devoted himself to, wholely.

⤷ His heart encapsulated a lifetime’s worth of admiration for you; a strung sonnet of affection through his riddling of words, amongst his typical rambles. Though it seemed that his words were interpreted as void; a travesty believed to be induced by your denial. If his words couldn’t convince you of what he finds faultless of your self-proclaimed faults, he’d find a conveyance that’ll help you understand.

⤷ Time and time again, he’s professed to you that his heart is sealed amongst your clutches; devoting himself entirely to you, and to—albeit scum like him is unworthy of such—your love.

⤷ Nagito, though a clutter of questionable motivations and stability, is an honest man. His words a sliver lining brushing upon the canvas of truth with the saturation of hope.

⤷ Yet his hopes of portraying his idealizations of your divinity were fragmented upon the nullification of ontological realization; words can only express so much.

⤷ He’s forced to bare this fact as he’s painfully aware of the falter of relief at each attempt of consolation. For every expression of dissatisfaction, he contorts your words into how he views you; an ethereal blessing of hope amongst a personified, societial of rubble. But, after spending so long in denial of your own repudation, he’s come to discover that the shake of your head is equivalent to the brush of his confession. You don’t believe it.

⤷ You don’t believe his relentless confessions of how astounding he views you; how he truly percieves you as a goddess amongst the pitiful bounts of humanity. You don’t believe it. But of course you wouldn’t. It’s difficult to believe something that he utters as though it was rehearsed.

⤷ Nagito is known for his rambles. It’s a common occurence for the male to mutter on and on about the beauty of hope and its paradoxical conquering of despair. He’s known for his excessive rants, and yet, it fuels your doubts about his insincerity all the same.

⤷ And after long last, he’s aware of this; finally knowledgeable of the way your eyes gloss upon his fervent compliments. He assumed it was spurred in accordance to the swelling of your heart, having satisfied you with his rebuttal to your claims: But he couldn’t have been farther from the verity of the sheen of tears.

⤷ You were suffering; caged within the abyss of the subsequential torment you were forced to bare. Every word, every whisper, it’s as though they mauled at your heart; tearing into the delicate chassis with agonizing malice.

⤷ Nagito was painfully aware of the effect of words, or rather lack of. The vocalized confessions a mere spec of dust amongst the gust of genuinity. But there was a beauty in silence; and a tidal of sincere conveyance through action.

⤷ The lingering notion fixated within the back of his mind as he’s seated beside you once more. He feels as though he’s encapsulated within a trace, his mind fogged with a searing remembrance; deja vu.

⤷ You’re glaring at your lap as your hands brush upon your face, doused in vulnerability as you attempt to conceal yourself from his view. He could hear it; the pluck of pitch as you shakily began to spill your innermost worries; your underlying insecurities.

⤷ “I hate them. I hate them so much, they just... they won’t go, no matter what I do.” His heart ached as with each word that pooled from between your lips, you struggled to maintain your composure. Sinking within the seas of wishfulness; yearning for relief from this grief of being unable to accept yourself as you are.

⤷ Yet you perk your head at the silence in response to your venting; a dreadful silence. Why has your boyfriend—a man who seems to never cease fervent rebuttal—not talking?

⤷ And instantaneously, the tendrils of your doubts engulf you. It hurts, it’s tauntingly painful. Has he finally accepted that there’s no use in persuading the veracity? Has he given up on attempting to convince you—and, per your instilled panic, himself—that you aren’t what you see yourself as?

⤷ The silence is thick; a tense atmosphere in which air has condensed into a fog that neutralizes air. Your lungs burn with the suppression of your sobs as you bite your bottom lip.

⤷ They’ve won, they’ve won, they’ve won; the thoughts and beliefs of your self-loathing have won. and you’re unable to breathe through the weight upon your heart. It hurts; it’s suffering you’ve endured for so long and after such desperation, he seemed to have been subdued as we—

⤷ “...ere.” You falter. The final syllables falling upon your ears as they escaped him, yet you hadn’t caught them. Turning to face him with a visage of poorly veiled pain interlaced with confusion, you ask him to repeat himself.

⤷ Yet you weren’t met with the reptition of mere words. Instead, the sensation of his cold hands cradles the sides of your face, ever-so-gently pulling you closer until you were separated by the proximity of a few centimeters; his breath fanning over your face.

⤷ You feel a gentle weight press against your forehead; his lips. He kisses against the skin with such delicate ministations, savoring the contortion of your expression as he pulls away. “I love you there.” He mutters, a gentle smile upon his lips before he moves onto his next destination.

⤷ A kiss to your left cheek. He lingers for a moment before pulling away, exhaling ever-so slowly. “I love you there.” Once again, he confesses. Repeating the same to your right cheek as he utters the words once more, “And I love you there.”

⤷ His lips glide along your skin as he proceeds to peck your chin, tilting your head slightly to provide ease in accessing such. “I also love you there.” He chuckles, swallowing your anticipation before moving on.

⤷ Upon puckering his lips, he pressed a rather firm kiss against the tip of your nose. You’re able to feel the smile on his lips as he cradles you closer, the urge to embrace you admist the heat of sensuality. “And, guess what? I love you there too.”

⤷ Finally, he hovered above your lips, your breaths melting into one as he gazed into your glossed orbs; the quivering of your lips prominent as he envelops your lips within his own, closing the space between the two of you.

⤷ This time, he loiters against you, parting only to return and engulf your gasps, suckling on your bottom lip ever-so gently. He savors every millisecond; every ounce of your taste. And he savors the salty taste that faintly douses his tongue as tears cascade from your fluttering eyes; crying into the kiss.

⤷ His words unable to convey the sincerity of his admirations due to the plague of repetition, and the ringing of his muddled sonnet of devotion; his expressions perplexing and unable to provide you with the consolation you needed; the security you yearned for.

⤷ Thus, as he pulled away with heavy pants, his eyes softening as you begin to sob; relieving yourself of the pent-up inklings of fogged eyes, unable to detect the flickers of light within the shadows of your self-proclaimed faults.

⤷ The lingering sensation of his lips atop where all you couldn’t stand about yourself induced your heart to swell with a sense of joy; a sense of being able to understand the way he sees you one day. His lasting kisses having filled the air with comfort more than verbal consolation ever could as he finally says, “And I love you there, too.”

[project-ohagi]

Atsuhiro Sako ღ Mr Compress x Reader:

[A/N]: This is a female reader, but I'm not sure how explicit my reasoning is in the story.

-----

Upon the desk lay flowers pressed and kept, accessories to the letters from which you couldn't escape. Surrendering them to earth or flame had been an endeavour of herculean proportion, and each time, your heart had wavered. How could such things be destined for destruction? In them, were written verses so impassioned by romance, that all who read them would surely swoon. And each flower had a meaning, for he understood their language like a scholar understands his discipline. Heliotrope was a declaration of eternal love and devotion, whilst a Red Camellia stood for love and passion. He gave you a Yarrow for lasting love, and a Honeysuckle for your bond. But, the final flower...you loathed to dwell on its meaning.

A Purple Hyacinth. It conveyed an apology, a mind fraught with regret...it asked for forgiveness, but how could you forgive a man of such iniquity? His reign over your heart had been plagued by deceit. But you yourself had been plagued by a graver poison, an ailment most foul, though the layman might stoop to call it love. It was love, but it was also pain and sorrow. Such desperate pain and sorrow.

Your tear-clouded gaze fell forthwith upon a letter.

My darling, your beauty could never be dulled by moonlight, and is only made more desirable by daylight. It yields to no force, natural or otherwise. It remains, and will forever. I will never tire of looking upon it, though for this, I admit I may be admonished. It is such a worthy distraction, but in my field, distractions are rarely tolerated. Know that I apologise with a sincerity that cannot be measured.

- A.S

He wrote with the grace and eloquence of a thousand poets, and at every word, you wept. You couldn't linger on them, although you wished to, or love's splendid doctrine would burden you with hope. But there was no hope, neither of reunion nor of replication with another. You were bound, loyal only to the memories of your lost love. He wasn't dead, but simply...gone. He walked out of your life so easily, as though the plot had, for aye, been beyond a hatchling. You understood nothing. You still felt so lost. Why couldn't love be straightforward? The despair, the dependency...

You clung to those letters, and the heartache they incurred.

Your lips seem a most desirable perch, and I would rest there for eternity, if you allowed.

- A.S

Beside that letter, decorated with the splashes of manifest sorrow, lay another, written by your hand. In the advent of your courtship, you had exchanged many, though of a much merrier tone. This one...he had never received it, for you had never sent it. By the hour of its conception, he was long gone.

I wanted to believe in you. But I was scared. I was so scared! What would they have done to you, if I was captured? How else had you deceived me? Had anything been true, or had I merely been victim to the folly of romance, of an ideal that could never touch reality? Why had you kept from me everything of importance? Why had you hidden your truth? I blame you, wholeheartedly, for my pain. But it was so hard not to apologise, when I'm sorry for everything. The day I lost you, I lost my world...I lost the part of me that made me whole.

- (Y/n)

His was a cowardly departure, unequivocally driven by fear - he had always taken such careful steps to ensure that home and work remained separate, never intertwining. But when all was revealed, he feared retribution, feared the consequence of his own duplicity. So rather than facing you, he fled. He understood the cravenness of the act, but it wasn't something he could help. Not when you finally knew the real him. His most authentic self, although a source of pride, could never be loved. You weren't of equal conviction. You had no dormant streak of villainy. You were so pure of heart, and so gentle of practice. You couldn't be tied to a liesmith, or force-fed a dogma of drivel. Atsuhiro had some morals, even if you were the only beneficiary. He couldn't have predicated your descent into this melancholy longing. Or, perhaps he hadn't wished to consider it. Had the thought chased away the mistress of somnolence, he never would've have been able to stave off his return.

But oh, he wished to return to you, to relive every shiver of romance...to not feel quite so alone. He couldn't, of course. Not given current circumstances, and with the near-decimation of an entire populace.

Deika City played host to his body, but his heart had never left yours. He missed everything - the eyes that devoted themselves to him, that giddy, love-struck smile when he first called your name, and the night you had thanked him for never forgetting it. He heard your name in every love song, and your voice on the wind. He saw your face on every woman, and on every lover, he saw the happiness that he had sacrificed.

May I compare thee to a Dahlia in full bloom? I assume you are familiar with this flower, as a perfect reflection of your grace and strength. Of the latter, that required to grant me access to your most genuine self...it is incomparable. You are incomparable. You are beautiful, and so unequivocally you. I will forever be thankful that you chose to share with me such delicate insight. I swell with pride at the thought of you, and I pray that one day, your mind will allow you that same feeling. You are more than deserving of pride, and of love for yourself. Until then, I promise to love and to cherish you, as if with the hearts of a thousand men.

- A.S

If a single hope, or a dream, could ever reach the stars, then the spirits of love would hasten to reconcile your union. But you were closed to astral influence, and knew nothing of prayers. His alone were inadequate. And although you beheld the same sky, although you gazed at the same heavens...you never found your missing pieces. The stars offered nothing but a torturous truth: that you would never find each other, no matter the breadth of your search.

Oh, curse the wretchedness of love!

[Word Count: 1063]

[frogtanii]

Wind anon’s reaction to “xxiii. exiled” in PF! Two days late; but here! Okay, I’m just gonna dive right into it

Iwaizumi starting off strong with a “anyone mind telling me what the (fudge) just happened” (yes, wind anon tries not to curse. It’s a thing). The irony is that he was there the entire time. So he may have saw YN barge into Meiko’s room. He may have heard YN call Meiko a female dog. But he also heard and saw Meiko slap YN first. So it’s honestly amusing that he’s the one asking what happened. I guess he’s in disbelief sure... but is it rude for wind anon to like him not knowing what’s going on? Because this means he has to know what happened before YN got slapped. What caused her to be so angry at Meiko? What did she whisper to Meiko? Iwaizumi is in the best place to get on YN squad right now and that is the most ironic thing I’ve seen so far. But moving on...

Meiko... you made it physical first... YN’s been carrying the entire house so hard that there is no way she isn’t strong as heck. Suga’s POV was indeed simping for YN but I might write another poem just on YN’s eyes. Every day we are reminded of YN Supremacy. But back on track, Meiko’s text really does match the fact she had mascara running down her face and she is a mess. I’m impressed by her usage of the emoji actually, because I didn’t think she would be able to see well enough to type up messages in her state. Oh wait, is that too mean? Wind anon always has underlying salt...

YN!! Our queen, angel, love of our lives, you make us so so happy— her messages...from “funny you would bring up that word” to “it’s a promise”—YN is so hot. So cool. As a villain, she would steal the show. YN as a villain would be millions of times more attractive than Meiko— YN with smoky eyeshadow, sleek eyeliner, and mascara, with reddened lips—please, she would be too dangerous for our hearts I cannot—

Okay, I could go in forever with YN appreciation but I already wrote... what is this, 3 paragraphs on just the first image so wind anon has to move forward haha. Osamu telling Atsumu to “put yer girl on a leash” and I’m like, eyebrow raise and scoff, because Meiko has leashes on all of you and you shouldn’t have leashes in a mutual healthy relationship because you should have equal power, agency, and rights— cough cough, but Osamu did say YN was Atsumu’s girl so that’s amusing to me. I think it would be interesting to see his reaction when the whole truth comes out. He will feel inadequate compared to Atsumu surely. How...heartbreaking it would be...

Atsumu is number 1 YN supporter and it really shows. First, defending her autonomy and ability to do what she wishes, while also mentioning he is behind her, supporting her, and defending her. The back is an important place because if someone is behind you, it’s hard to see and defend. Atsumu being at YN’s back shows trust and reliability. YN believes that Atsumu will protect her and have her back.

Kenma’s snark with “u have eyes don’t you”. This connects back to the beginning with Kenma telling Sakusa about how he thought he was cool that way—really shows how they have grown from interacting with each other, you’re absolutely brilliant fr0ggy, imagine being able to convey this much character development from 5 words—you’re so cool!

Okay, Meiko being suspicious part... 21 or something. She is so obvious I cannot. She bring up calling the cops first, and now she is like “nope, no can do, let’s just keep it all quiet, nothing, no cops” I am baffled. She is...not slick. Not smooth. But I give her the benefit of doubt and just say that she was too beat up after YN because I cannot believe her idiocy and I need this for my own sanity.

But I see Oikawa...I see him looking for logic. That’s good, very good, I’m excited. And Meiko’s response... how brash.

YN’s crew being all chill. Feeling myself be quenched. YN chooses violence and walks away beautiful. I bask in her glory. And Meiko trying to defend herself but YN really did hit her a lot so I don’t know how she can say that when there is evidence (her face) of her getting hit multiple times.

Daichi being “I’d love to see if YN’s reasoning for attacking you has merit” and I am like, tilting my shades down to be like “do you even see this?” I am... okay, moving on—

Sakusa! Omi! Sakkun—I love him so so much. I wanna trace all his moles and see if they can make constellations. Just imagine him tenderly holding your fingers in his hand while he dabs at your bruised knuckles.

Okay, I don’t want to get into the BS that is them deciding to exile YN to her room. There are ways to schedule for them not interact. Just give them different blocks for kitchen/living room or whatever. Meiko has a consistent schedule for her YouTube. YN has a decently flexible schedule. Iwaizumi is a hecking manager, there is no way he cannot plan this, and if needed Meiko or YN could get someone else to get them food or something so they don’t interact with each other. Oh well.

Meiko is like TNT...she blows everything up...kaboom. Her existence causes her own destruction... I am almost...awed? I also might make a poem involving YN’s past with Meiko and the psychology of Meiko because it is fascinating how she operates.

Blowing up at Iwaizumi and Oikawa who are part of your greatest supporters...she amuses me. Like a clown. A fool. But even jesters and fools require brains for jokes. I like seeing her get kicked off her thrown by YN.

Okay, this is it for my reaction to exiled, moving on to the next one rn!

wowie!! i gotta say, i now ship wind nonnie x yn, ur so v eloquent when u talk abt her it makes me so happy hehe <333

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Hey there! I really like your answer about JM being distant and fully agree with you...I really wish people would stop becoming so insecure every time there's one or more reasons we don't get as much vmin content... Editing, right? :D

In your answer you mentioned the ring that has appeared on Tae's finger....Can you elaborate on this some more? Thank you!

Thank you very much and I am glad my response was appreciated. I do what I can even if I don't have the kind of eloquence like admin 1. I’m glad that I was able to convey my observations and thoughts well.

I hope you don’t mind me combining my answer to your question, anon, with another one we’ve gotten, being this one: 

From anon: I have a question for admin 2 / Th is always being pushed away by Bts and Jm. Now Th belongs to a ring and many say it is a friendship with Woogs. But woogs wear completely different rings. The Jm thing in KTV would be a joke and had nothing to do with ThRing but with Jk (?). Why is everything only possible, but not just Jm and Th together?

I thought these two fit thematically, since both yours and this anon’s ask wanted to talk about Taehyung’s ring on his right index finger and its sudden appearance during the vsope vlive for the first time after not wearing any for a long time.

Perhaps it would be nothing special if this ring were put on the finger as an accessory to match/go along with the design of a suit or an artistic costume on stage. However, it appeared in their free time after training and at the moment it had nothing to do with any unique situation.

But let's start at the beginning.

I must admit that I watched with curiosity how the jewelry that Tae usually wore had suddenly disappeared except for his bracelets. First the earrings (an earring) disappeared and then the rings (rings from Tae's hand). I was used to Taehyung always having jewelry on his hands, no matter what the situation. I wondered if Taehyung wanted to change his style, his image, or if he was just getting bored of wearing jewelry, or if he was preparing "his bare hands" for a special situation.

Well, please ... tadddaaaaaa ... suddenly it appeared, the mysterious ring on his index finger!

Taehyung first showed it during the smoothie vlive with Hobi and Suga. He showed it right in the camera so we could see clearly ... LOL! And then it started: The fan's fantasies had no limits (including mine ha ha).

Various theories have arisen about this ring, and each of these theories seems to have tried to beat each other out with how fantastical they were.

The first and very "living" theory arose while the vlive was still happening, a connection being made by shippers with T*ek*ok day (thinking about all the comment spamming still makes me mad) and how obviously Tae was celebrating that day by wearing that ring, which they first concluded must’ve been the one he shares with JK.

However, this idea did not survive the "comparison attempt" and slowly disappeared/died down because it did not resemble the rings that T*ek*ok once wore together, which Admin 1 also showed here.

Other stories spoke about the fact that Taehyung (who has been looking so happy for months now) got engaged to a woman (the list is long, from models to actress, through a doctor and some famous idols, like a choose your own adventure type ordeal really). Other “sources” claimed that Taehyung wears a "friendship ring" with his Wooga squad, which someone asked about in the comments under my last post, too. I took a look at this theory because I found this idea interesting.

More below the cut:

Several accounts on Twitter have even posted photos of Wooga members that showed them wearing a ring on their fingers. We know from the media (as in I believe one of the squad members posted about it or something) that weeks ago there was a Wooga squad meeting in which Taehyung also took part in, their first one after a long time. But I found it very strange that now, weeks after that meeting, Taehyung would be wearing a Wooga squad related ring. I've looked at these photos that were shown as “proof” and have to say that they are clearly from different times/months and the rings were are not identical (not to mention one of them wears a ring on the middle finger and another seems golden instead of silver), and don’t resemble the ring Taehyung wore, at least in my opinion.

And to be honest, why would the Wooga squad, who already have a shared bracelet for many years signifying their friendship, suddenly also add a ring to that as well? For what? For me this whole situation just feels like people found a reason/possibility to again try and place Taehyung outside/away from his members by highlighting how much more important and special his connection with the Wooga squad is, how their friendship is way better than what Taehyung has with BTS (and especially Jimin) etc.

Going off a bit on a bad behaviors shipperverse tangent (you know me LOL) such a situation would "free J*k*ok from the intruder and emphasize just how real this ship is”, at least according to those who ship J*k*ok and are toxic enough to hate Taehyung for his bond with Jimin. At the same time, Solos, Antis and other slime would celebrate Kim Taehyung being finally freed from Bhit and the members who, according to them, all hate Taehyung anyway, and well as free from his fake friendship with Jimin into which Bhit forces him for marketing.

All of that is, of course, complete nonsense.

One thing I do find interesting (and this is all by no means the fault of any of the members and their friendships, they have every right to have them and I’m happy they do, all of this is all fault of those who use those friendships as a means/weapon for their fights/arguments etc.) is how Taehyung isn’t the only one who has his squad outside out BTS, his squad is the only one that’s used as tool. JK has his 97 liners about whom he’s spoken and about whom we know he hangs out with them, how they also have some jewelry together, and so on, and yet that is usually completely ignored by shippers and people creating all these nonsensical arguments. With Taehyung, Wooga squad is used as “proof” that Tae wants out of the band (literally where do people get this nonsense from) while JKs squad is basically taken away from him because it doesn’t fit the “fans” narratives. We also know the other members have friends outside the group, how Jimin has his friends, Namjoon mentions his outside friends at times, like how they bought stocks at Bhit/HYBE for example or that friend that tells him about what’s happening on ARMY twt, and many more. And yet Taehyung is the only one whose outside friendships are basically used against him, because of course his solo stans know better than Tae himself, right?

I don’t want to negate Taehyung’s friendship with the Wooga squad and the fact that he is close with them, but people’s obsession with their friendship and this obsessive competition they’ve built around it in contrast to the love and life he shares with his BTS members is just uncalled for and nasty. Taehyung himself said Jimin is his one and only best friend and the person he likes most and that he wants to stay with his members forever if possible, what isn’t clicking in people’s heads?

Anyway, time for my delulu hat.

We recently had Lets BTS and Taehyung’s words to Jimin, and I personally believe that this mysterious ring on Tae's finger is related to Jimn's response to the letter from Taehyung which he read under the table.

As I wrote before, in my opinion Taehyung's words and Jimin's answer were something only Vmin knows and fully understand, something more than just what we saw and heard.

I admit that I’m not the only one with such a theory because I read the same assumptions on YouTube under the video posted by KBS in the comments from people who aren’t shippers, just ordinary OT7.

My theory seems to me to be in second place according to the likelihood of the situation. The first, however, is that there is the simple possibility that Taehyung may be wearing his ring simply because he was in the mood to do so, which he has every right to, of course. He might’ve just woken up and decided he feels like wearing one.

I hope you enjoyed reading it.

Have a nice day or night depending on where you are.

[iamanartichoke]

I completely agree with your post about Tom. People’s entitlement over their favourite celebrities goes to far. And tbh I really hate when fans act like they know for sure how he feels and what he’s thinking based on very ambiguous “evidence”. This is usually done so people can align Tom’s views with their own which requires most of the time someone else to be villanised. What I mean is that fans have no actual proof that the writers, producers and director of Loki are bad people and that Tom is unhappy with the directions the show took. There is usually nothing to be inferred about who these people are beyond their merits as professionals. But fans present their assumptions as facts anyway and that has evolved into actual harassment of the production team. All the while piggybacking on this idea that Tom thinks exactly what like them. And I am saying this as someone who hated TR and thinks Loki was deliberately made weaker/less important so Thor could shine more. And someone who hates pretty much all of Mike Waldron’s previous work on Rick and Morty. But is still feels very presumptuous to act like these people deliberate compromised the their own work because they hate Loki and his fans. And that they are filled with every prejudice know to man. And it’s also very demeaning to victimise Tom in the process. Of course some of the people involved suck but most of the time these assumptions have no basis whatsoever. And there is also an over-identification going on between some fans and Tom which isn’t healthy for anybody.

Sorry it took me several days to get to this, anon. It took me a minute to get my thoughts in order. But in a nutshell, yeah, I agree with a lot of the things you pointed out here - especially with fans acting like they know for a fact what he's thinking or feeling.

Under the cut for length and a bit of wank and disagreement w/ the "Marvel hates Loki" discourse so please skip if you don't want to see it.

A lot of the Loki series wank is rooted in whether or not Tom actually likes the series and significantly contributed to it, or if he's just saying what he has to say for publicity and his ideas and contributions were largely ignored. None of us will ever know for sure, bc none of us are Tom and none of us were directly involved in the series, so it's moot speculation, really. But it seems to basically come down to people trying to reconcile their feelings about the show with their feelings about Tom.

I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with believing that Tom's hands were tied to an extent and/or he just says things that he has to for promotion, but I also don't think that it should be treated as fact and then used as, like, ammunition against other people working on the show. I personally have not seen anyone I know or am friendly with taking their complaints to the level of harassment of actual people irl (that seems to be more of a twitter thing, as far as I can tell, and imo comes from an entirely different place than just hating the show [I think there's an inherent meanness in people whose instincts are to harass and bully bc they want to actively make others feel like shit]) but I do see it posted as fact, time and time again, that the showrunners had a personal vendetta against Loki and were intent on making the series as bad as possible, and that Tom was helpless to do anything about it.

Which I get, in a way, bc I personally believe that the Russos had, if not a vendetta, an active dislike of Loki and a vested interest in getting him "out of the way" in a manner that would make him look pathetic in IW - but, I certainly can't say that's the case for sure, and I also think it's a little different bc Tom's contractual obligations for his film appearances were likely very different than what he (and/or his people) negotiated for the show.

That's neither here nor there but my point is, I can understand where the theories come from but I just don't think that's the case here, and seeing it so often makes me feel kinda uncomfortable (for a lot of reasons but also) bc, imo, it undermines Tom's autonomy for fans to act as if he's little more than a puppet on a string, just saying whatever he has to say to please the powers that be. Like, yes, there are legally binding contracts that probably limit how candid he can be, and we all know that he sugarcoats things and never says anything bad about anyone, which can make him seem like a bit of an "unreliable narrator" when he gushes about the show -

- but, he's also a big name celeb (I mean, the studio has always banked on his name being attached to the project bc he's the one who would draw in the most viewers). He's got clout (is that the right word?) to back him up - they wanted him, specifically, to play Loki in this series. Without Tom, there's no show. So why would they want to alienate him, silence him, or dismiss him when he comes to the table and says "here are my ideas"?

My point is, it's unfair and, yes, demeaning to act as if Tom is this voiceless, powerless victim who has no choice but to act in a series he hated that was purposefully trying to destroy his character, and then to turn around and mindlessly sing its praises while promoting it.

I think that the truth is somewhere in the middle - Tom's creative control was likely limited bc he wasn't the director and wasn't the showrunner or head writer, and no one person is ever completely in control when it comes to the end result that we, the audience, end up seeing on the screen anyway. He may not have been entirely happy with every writing or directing choice that was made. But it's also very unlikely that he had no say at all or that any input he had was dismissed (or 95% of it, as it were); again, the series is banking on his name being the draw and he has the advantage of being an authority on Loki while also being intelligent and eloquent enough to convey his perspective on the character. I think that the real issue is that Tom's current perspective and/or interpretation of Loki no longer aligns with his interpretation of OG Loki from 2011-13. Which is, admittedly, a very hard pill to swallow.

Anyway, this may have veered off in another direction and idek if you wanted this answered or to have a conversation or maybe you were just venting - but, here we are.

To make it less about Loki specifically and more about Tom in general, though, yeah, ultimately I just wish his fans wouldn't feel so entitled toward him and his opinions, or his career choices, or his love life, or his clothes. I was browsing one of the Tom ask blogs (or maybe it was a Zawe one, I don't remember now) the other day and I find it really creepy, for lack of a better word, at how invested people are in Tom's, like, day-to-day whereabouts. Someone saw him at a restaurant in NYC - I wonder if he's still there today? Where's he staying? Is he there as a tourist or for work reasons? Who could he be meeting with in New York? A producer? Another play? Will he host SNL? Is Zawe still with him or did she go back to London? etc etc like, it really goes back to my original point in my original post which is, basically, who caaaaaaaares, why are you investing so much of your day trying to figure out what Tom is doing with his?

Now I'm just venting, but yeah ... shit's weird.

[my-faves-said-gay-rights]

Favourite Sunmi Lyrics

As it's sunmis birthday I thought I would list 5 of my favourite lyrics from sunmi because I don't think she gets as much love as she deserves for her writing. Like with my iu lyrics list these are in no particular order, these aren't my definite top 5 and my interpretations may be different from yours. Let's fucking go:

1. Black Pearl

"I’m dirty and in pain, I’m wrapping around myself

So this ugly, black light, won’t come seeping out

I may seem like a brand new, white gem

But you don’t even know what’s inside"

I am starting with my favourite sunmi song ever. It is just so perfect and so her, and a big part of that is the lyrics. I believe this song is about fame and how the public view her. Sunmi and her idol life can look very appealing and fans and the gp want to know about it, but in reality fame can be hard and sunmi has her problems. I don't think I'm explaining this every eloquently, but the lyrics do and they're beautifully written, and that's what we're here to appreciate.

2. Lalalay

"Everyone is coming in flocks

Is there anything fun?

Like a swarm of bees wing wing

The more they do win win

I’m a small pied piper captain

On a sharp knife"

There is so much to say about lalalay. Even the title has many layers, it's one of the songs that made me realise just how smart sunmi is. Lalalay is a romanised version of the word 날라리, which is a negative word meaning someone who tries to be cool by being rebellious and drinking and partying. It is also the name of the instrument in the chorus and 날라 means to fly. With this song sunmi is reclaiming the word and saying that she doesn't care what people say about her. The public criticise her and pick her apart but they also follow and copy her. She's a cool trendsetter and she fucking knows it. This is such a good song for confidence building and I love it so much.

3. Borderline

"Feels like a bird is living in my head

Please don't piss me off, Oh no no

I shouldn't have said that

Because I'm a good girl yeah"

We have known for a while know that sunmi has struggled with mental illness, and she said last year that she has borderline personality disorder, and that made this song even more special. It hurts me everyday that this is still technically unreleased and not on spotify, but back to the lyrics. These lyrics feel so real and I know I can relate to them, the way she's struggling but still trying to be good and have people like her. We have seen that sometimes the pressure from the public gets to her and this song is her way of expressing that. It's good to see an artist, especially a kpop artist, who can be so vulnerable and real with their music.

4. pporappippam

"He’s asking what I want

He’s saying just say the word

He said he could even pick the stars for me

I don’t want anything else

I just want this night"

I may not be the biggest fan of love songs, but this is just really sweet. We love to see a man being respectful of a woman's wishes and wanting to be good to her, but she likes him so much that all she wants to be with him. That's just so pure. I also really like the repetition of he's asking he's saying he said. It shows how much he cares for her and how memorable this night is for sunmi.

5. Gashina

"You’ll see me all sharp

And you’ll bow your head low

My thorns will

dig deeper in you, yeah

You already bent and twisted me

So don’t act like you’re sorry"

How could I do a post about sunmis music and not include the iconic gashina? Empowering breakup songs are always great, but the layers to these lyrics add a lot to it. Like lalalay, gashina has multiple meanings. It means the thorn of a flower and it's a farewell (it also means bitch but apparently that isn't a part of it), and we see flowers used a lot in the lyrics. Sunmi is very good as finding words and concepts that can be used in different ways and then using them to convey her message, and I admire it a lot. I know these lyrics are written with other people too, but sunmi still had a big part in making the song and concept so think it's okay to say it shows her skills.

If you got to the end thank you for reading and please give sunmi lots of love for her birthday!!