#i wish i could be like that i bet i’d eat a lot healthier & more mindfully ..

[diabolicjoy]

cooking in honestly one of the most healing things to do while struggling with loneliness i’ve found, the process is grounding

i’m glad you found something that works for you!! ❤️

[theirbbygirl]

Second Lead Syndrome

Word Count: ~8.7k words

liked this? there’s more on my masterlist!

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Comedy, Female reader insert

Description: Y/n and Minho have been friends for more than 2 years now, but suddenly she begins to see herself as the mere second lead in Minho’s story. Will she be the rare second lead who gets her own happy ending?

Warnings: some crying, themes of unrequited love (if there’s anything that I missed don’t hesitated to let me know!) 

I’d only ever encountered Second Lead Syndrome in the dramas I’d watched. Wanting the girl to end up with the second lead who was so obviously the better and healthier choice, but like every avid watcher of kdramas, it's more than likely for the main leads to end up with each other, that was just how it worked. What I never thought I’d encounter was seeing it happen before my own eyes and experience it firsthand.

Life was never supposed to be a kdrama. Life was supposed to be simple, a straight line, going from point A to B with no complications. But life never really went my way did it? It just had to throw in one variable, one man that had too much influence on my life. 

I couldn’t remember the first time I met Minho. It was probably sometime in the first grade when his family first moved in next to mine. But alas, we were both too young to remember exactly what sparked our friendship. One day we were strangers and the next we had given our parents a near heart attack when we both went after a stray cat on the way back home (my mom’s words, not ours).  From then my memories were filled with him, just us besties hanging out like anyone would with their best friend. First party, first mental breakdown, first drink, all with him. Soon enough we were in our final year of University, and ultimately, adults. 

The Minho I knew was laid back, not too extroverted but not too introverted either. While I completely contrasted him, always anxious about something, wanting perfection to the T, and completely and utterly introverted.  Our friendship, moving into University, sparked a lot of questions. You wouldn’t typically find the introverted straight-A student with the borderline badboy tsundere walking and laughing in the halls together, spending practically every waking moment together. But Minho didn’t care, and neither did I, so we moved through life pretty easily. 

One of the few things we had in common was our love for cats, and when we both foudn out there was a cat cafe just a few minutes walk from our campus, you best bet we spent too much of our time and money there. Studying, hanging out, anything you could imagine. If we weren’t in one of our dorms, we were more than likely to be in the cat cafe. 

Every day after class we’d go there and we’d complain about our least favorite professors and how lectures would seemingly last for longer than they should. Additionally, Minho had almost become akin to my own dormmate with how much time he spent in my dorm. He’d come in whenever he wished, stealing my frozen pizzas and sodas, using my Netflix account on my TV to watch weird National Geographic shows and make random comments like “that snake looks just like Kim Seungmin,” or “look its Hannie” whenever a squirrel came on screen. Minho was always there when I needed a drinking partner after bombing a test or assignment, pouring me shots of soju until I passed out and bringing me to my bed and tucking me in whiel he would sleep on the couch to make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid in the middle of the night. 

Although, more people knew Minho’s name than mine, but that didn’t bother any of us. We continued on being friends as usual, and it felt like nothing would change that. Life was moving in a straight line like it should’ve always been.

At least, that’s what it felt like until February, just a few months before we graduated. 

I make my way to our usual spot in the courtyard after buying an iced coffee and a snickers bar from the vending machine next to my classroom, I walk up behind Minho sitting on a bench when I find him staring out in front of him instead of looking at cat videos on his phone like he usually does. Slowing my walk, I trail my eyes to the vague direction he’s facing and see that he’s looking at Kim Seungmin and a girl chatting outside the classroom. I ignore the thought, opting to think that Minho must’ve spaced out thinking about how he would irritate Seungmin next class. I plop down next to him when he still doesn’t take note of my arrival, so I get right next to his ear and blow cold air into it, snickering when he jolts in surprise. 

“What was that for?” He whines, fake annoyed.

“You got lost up in your thoughts for a certain Kim Seungmin there.” I snicker some more, opening my snickers (hehe) bar.

Just as I’m about to take the first bite of the sugary goodness, the chocolate bar gets snatched out of my hands and a certain Lee Minho takes an obnoxious bite out of it, not even giving it back but eating it like it was his. I pout, watching him devour my snack, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to get it back. 

“For your information, I was not thinking about Kim Seungmin.” He says pointedly, slightly muffled by the chocolate in his mouth.

I sigh, knowing I wasn’t going to get that chocolate bar back any time soon, and open my iced coffee. “So what were you thinking about then?” I ask before taking a sip.

“Don’t know, spaced out.” Is all the answer I get and I highly doubt him, but I brush it off anyways and don’t pry. 

Minho and I slide into our usual conversation about assignments, plans for the week, and everything under the sun. We talk about how he’s planning to visit home the next day and stay for a weekend and how excited he is to see his cats after a long time, I unknowingly smile at his ramble about how talkative Dori is, and just sit back and listen. I never took into account how healing it was to just watch and listen to him talk, the sultry of his voice and his little exclamations of frustration or excitement that came once in a while. I had to catch myself from staring when he turned to look at me, having asked me a question I didn’t catch.

“Sorry what was that?” I ask.

“Am I that beautiful for you to have lost your hearing to my handsome face?” I couldn’t just tell him that that was basically what had happened, it would inflate his ego by too much and reveal everything I’d hidden thus far.

“The heck? No, I was thinking about how great it would be to get some peace and quiet while you’re not around this weekend.” I lie, having Minho around is the only thing that brings me entertainment that isn’t endless sappy kdramas on my laptop, but he can never know that. 

Minho scoffs, says something under his breath that I don’t quite catch, then turns back to me. “You love me.” He says with a pout.

“Unfortunately I do.” 

That was the first of many inconspicuous confessions. 

It was nearing 3 or 4 am and I was about halfway done with another kdrama when several knocks resound through the small living space. Knowing exactly who it is, I only shout back “you know the code!” and moments later the door opens. 

I don’t bother to get up and greet Minho, this exact scene has happened too many times for either of us to care at this point, and it doesn’t surprise me that the moment he enters he shouts, “Honey I’m home!” like we’re in some cheesy romcom. 

“Mhmm, welcome home, leech.” I enunciate the last word purposely, but I know he won’t bat an eye at the term. I continue to chew my popcorn while he wanders through my cabinets, looking for snacks. “There’s chips in the cabinet next to the fridge and sprite in there too. If you want more food order Chinese takeout.” 

“I don’t have my wallet.” I can practically hear his pout from where I sat, eyes unmoving from the TV screen. 

“You know where mine is, but you have to pay me back.” A few seconds pass with no response until suddenly he’s next to me and kissing my cheek.

“I loveeee you!” He says too sweetly, retreating back to the mini-kitchen to order takeout.

“Mhmm, I love you too.” I say, not loud enough for him to hear the confidence missing from my tone. 

Continuing to watch the episode of in front of me, I remain in my comfortable position, only moving to lift my legs when Minho comes back to sit on the couch under my legs and the blanket. 

“Oh you’re watching this one?” He asks, reaching into the bowl of popcorn I offer him.

“Yeah, didn’t have anything else to watch so I put it on since everyone seems to like it so much.” 

“Mm,” he hums while also indulging himself into the scenes playing in front of him. “You’re probably team potato guy, right?” 

“What kind of question is that? Of course I am!” I scoff.

“I don’t know, I still think she should end up with Jae-eon.”

“Are you crazy? He literally leads her on like every playboy and is ruining her mentality by not defining their relationship.” 

“Yeah, but they’re so cute together, and you can totally tell he feels something for her.” He argues.

“Just cause they’re cute together doesn’t mean they’re good for each other, the entire guy is a walking red flag, I don’t understand why she doesn’t just walk away when she’s had experience with a shit boyfriend.” I sigh.

“You, have major second lead syndrome.” He points an accusing finger at me.

“So what? It’s for good reason, the main lead is toxic as fuck and you can’t change my mind.” I upturn my nose, turning back to the TV and continuing to watch the episode. 

The mentioning of the second lead sends a flurry of thoughts into my brain for a reason I can’t comprehend. Sometimes the main leads aren’t that bad but still we want the main character to end up with the second lead, maybe out of our own natural selfishness because we prefer the second lead more. I shake the thoughts away, trying to convince myself that kdramas were only works of fiction and too cheesy to be real, yet for whatever reason I always felt a connection with the second leads, like our emotions directed to our crushes were the same, because I knew that I would always be the second lead in Minho’s story. 

Minho’s name was always called out more times than mine was growing up, which I didn’t really mind until our hangout time would be seriously cut down because he had to hang out with other friends. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that he had friends, but there was a little bit of selfishness in me that wanted him to myself.

A new drama and a few episodes later, plus Chinese takeout, lead to our eventual demise. We both fall asleep on the couch in less than comfortable positions and wake up with stiff-neck, us groaning at the pain. 

We continue on with our usual morning routines, taking turns freshening up in the bathroom before heading out for breakfast at Paws and Pastries since we were both too lazy to make food ourselves. Besides, hot coffee in the morning plus good sandwiches AND cats? What more could you ask for?

When we enter the cat cafe I notice a familiar face behind the cashier, it was the same girl Seungmin was talking to on Friday, and the same girl I caught Minho staring at. We walk up to the cashier, I order my food first, a simple breakfast sandwich with a coffee to go with it and wait next to Minho to finish ordering. 

I made the mistake up glancing up at his face as he was telling his order to her, Ahra, her name tag read. There was something in his eyes that glinted that I had never seen before, not when he talked to Han and not when he talked to me. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of emotion in the middle of my chest before forcing myself to look back down, inserting my card and paying for everything. I sent the girl a thank you and a kind smile after she told us our food would be right over, and both me and Minho went over to our usual table in the back corner next to the cat’s jungle gym and right up next to the window. I get lost in my thoughts while we begin playing with the cats we were so accustomed to. 

Like most second leads, I knew exactly what my feelings were. I was practically an adult, how could I miss the fast beating of my heart or my clammy hands whenever I was around him? But again, like most second leads, I knew I’d never get a chance with him, not when everything we did together was purely platonic. It was painfully obvious that I’d be stuck with an unrequited love for who knows how long, and I couldn’t just detach myself from him all of a sudden to get over my feelings because a) he’d notice and force me to tell him what was wrong, ultimately leading me to tell him that I had feelings for him, and b) the moment I would come back or see him for even just a second I know I would develop those feelings all over again. Neither of which were choices I was willing to take so I suck it up and see him every day, ignoring everything my heart was telling me. 

I look up from the cat that I’m petting in my lap and look at Minho again, only to find him staring at Ahra who was taking people’s orders with a perfect pearly smile. It was in that moment that I knew, I had just found the female lead of Minho’s story.

3 weeks go by in a similar manner. Minho and I see Ahra around campus a few times and with some twisted fate, she’s on the clock every time we go to Paws and Pastries. Minho, being his smooth self, easily gets himself acquainted with her. They laugh and giggle so naturally and can slip into conversation so easily I’m almost envious of Minho and his non-introverted self. 

Not being one to try and stop fate, I watch it all happen. Telling Minho to ask her out already and teasing him about how lovesick he gets when he sees her nearby or at the cafe. I know Minho likes her when he blushes or gets defensive whenever I mention her in our conversations even though he’s never explicitly told me himself. I put on a face in front of him whenever these conversations come up, not wanting to get in the way of his happiness. 

One day some of our friends want to meet up outside of campus, we make plans to meet up at a bowling alley, ready to have fun until the late evening hours. Seungmin brought Ahra along with him, asking if it was okay to invite her since they were friends. Everyone agrees and we all meet up as planned. When everyone gets there, including Seungmin and Ahra, we introduce ourselves, Minho not having to introduce himself and easily speaking with her like they always did whenever running into each other. All the the boys have raised brows and mischievous smiles as they watch the interaction between the two, but only one looks at me in concern. 

A majority of the night passes by with laughter and teasing, how Chan was terrible at bowling this night and Minho easily beating him despite never doing too well on our previous adventures to the bowling alley. I spend the night with the rest of the boys, while Minho and Ahra spend time getting to know each other even more. There’s a point in the evening where I see Minho hold out his phone to Ahra to exchange numbers, I can hear her giggle when they take a selfie together, probably for her profile picture. I have to turn my head away quickly to ignore the cracking of my own heart when Minho puts his arm on the couch behind Ahra, he does it so naturally, yet he’s never done it with me. I will my thoughts to focus on the game and not on Minho, not noticing the same pair of concerned eyes until they speak up.

“Are you alright?” Hyunjin asks. 

“Hm? Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” My voice cracks halfway through and I try to hide my sad eyes, even though I was fully aware that Hyunjin had probably noticed that something was up.

“‘Cause you seem pretty affected by that scene over there.” He motions to Minho and Ahra with a nod of his head. 

“It’s nothing, Hyun, just nice seeing Minho talking to more people.”

“Y/n, you know he talks to people all the time, and you’re not nearly as affected then as you are now.” 

“Hyunjin, really, it’s fine.” I try to convince him but he says something that lets me know that he knows.

“You like Minho.”

“What? No that’s absurd I-“ He looks at me pointedly, and I sigh in defeat. “Yeah, okay, you got me.”

“Why don’t you say anything? Clearly it hurts you to see him like that.” He refers to Minho getting cozy with her.

“Hyunjin, it’s clear that everything we have is platonic, he even called me his sister several times. And who am I to get in the way of him getting into a relationship? That’s not my place to say anything, especially when his last girlfriend was 2 years ago.” 

“I get that, but shouldn’t he at least deserve to know? He says that he knows everything about you, but there’s one thing that he doesn't. You know practically everything about him, isn’t it a little unfair?” 

“We have choices as to what we share with each other and what we don’t, it’s his choice to tell me what he wants to and my choice to tell him what I want to tell him. Besides, he hasn’t even told me that he has a crush on Ahra yet.” 

“So maybe he doesn’t then.” 

“Hyunjin, just look at him, he’s a puppy in love.” I glance back over to Minho and Ahra sitting parallel to us. Minho is smiling brightly, more brightly than I had seen in a while and I can’t help but let my lips upturn at the corners just slightly in another sad smile. 

Hyunjin sighs next to me, and I look back to him. “I’m sorry y/n, I really wish he would end up with you instead of her, it doesn’t seem fair to you.”

“Hey, don’t say that, Ahra seems like a nice girl, she and Minho will get along great. And nothing in life is fair Hyunjin, that’s just something you come to accept.” I say, getting up. “I’m gonna get some drinks, does anyone want anything?” I ask everyone.

“Cola!” “Me too!” “Me three!” “A lemonade please.” A few of the boys shout back.

“Anything for you guys?” I turn to Minho and Ahra. They both shake their heads. “Okay then, I’ll be back in a minute guys.” I smile at the group before going to get the drinks. 

While walking away from the group I let a teardrop fall from my eye, wiping it away just before I order.

Life’s unfair, that’s just something I have to accept. 

A week goes by and Minho’s talking about how he and Ahra message often, how he thinks they get along well and he’s gonna ask her out.

Another week goes by and they’ve gone on their first date, he takes her to the beach and they have a picnic. 

Two weeks after that they’ve gone on several dates and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I don’t even find out separately at this point, I find out with the rest of the group over dinner.

A few days after that Minho calls off one of our late night binge watching sessions, texting me an apology and that Ahra needs him. I tell him it’s okay and to send my regards to her. 

It’s a week and half after and Minho regularly calls off our meetups at the cafe after school or at one another’s dorms to tend to Ahra. I tell him it’s fine each time and to not feel bad. He did the same today, and I sit alone at our usual table, mindlessly petting a cat in my lap while zoning out into in my mug of coffee. 

All while this happens, I watch, and I let it happen. I don’t fight for him because it didn’t feel right, sometimes second leads let their love fall for someone else, and that’s all it felt like I could do. 

Fighting for Minho felt selfish, especially when I knew I had no chance and he’d already fallen for Ahra. I couldn’t suddenly come out of the blue and tell him “hey, I have feelings for you,” when he’s already dating Ahra, I’d look like a major asshole if I did. All I could do was watch and see how we begun to drift farther and farther apart. 

With Minho being absent more often, I don’t get to tell him much. Like the internship offer I got to continue pursuing graphic design in Itaewon. I got the email almost a week ago, and I had two more weeks to decide if I was going to take the offer. With nobody to consult about it with I continue to push it to the back of my mind, not wanting to deal with more stress just yet. 

Just as I’m taking another sip of my coffee a familiar head of long blonde hair enters the cafe. My head tilts to the side in confusion as he scans the room for someone when he meets eyes with me, he makes his way over and sits in the seat in front of me and doesn’t say anything.

“You’re rarely on this side of town, why are you here?” I ask Hyunjin first.

“I heard something from Ms. Kim in our art class and needed to know if it was true.” He says seriously.

“What…” I feel like I know what he’s going to say, but I ask anyways. “What did you hear?” 

“That you were offered an internship in Itaewon.” 

“Hyunjin I-“

“Is it really true? She said you had two more weeks to decide, how come you haven’t told anybody? Does Minho know? Are you gonna leave? What about-” He begins to spurt out question after question and it’s almost too much for me to handle.

“Hyunjin!” I raise my voice just slightly to get him to stop but I have to turn it down again when the volume of my voice makes a few of the other customers’ heads turn. “Calm down, yes it’s true, yes I have two more weeks to decide if I’m going or not, I didn’t know how I would tell any of you, no, Minho doesn’t know and I don’t plan on telling him.” 

“Are you… Are you gonna take the offer?” He asks slowly.

I prop my elbows onto the table as the cat leaves my lap and my head drops into my hands as I sigh in exasperation. “I don’t know.” Tears are gathering in my eyes as I think about it. 

“Y/n, have you thought about the offer at all?” 

“Yes and no.” I don’t need to lift my head to sense Hyunjin’s confusion. “It’s hard to think about it when you’re watching your crush of 2 years date someone else while you’re also trying to finish up your senior year. But it’s also all I can think about when I’m alone, which I find myself a lot, thinking about having to find a place to live in Itaewon and transfer and mentally prepare to leave you all here, but if I don’t take it then it’ll be even harder to find an offer like this. It’s all I can think about and also something that I can’t bring myself to think about, Hyunjin.” I lift my head and my teary eyes meet his own. 

“Y/n…” His voice breaks saying my name.

“I think I’m going to take it.” I pause. “Once I finish all of my final assignments the only thing I have left to really worry about is graduating and finding a job, and I don’t think I can take watching Minho and Ahra anymore Hyun, I don’t think I can stomach it. I’m happy for them, I truly am, but it’s also affecting me and I don’t think I should ignore that anymore. If I’m in Itaewon I have a job and I won’t have to worry about feelings anymore, two birds with one stone.” 

I see the hesitancy in Hyunjin’s facial expressions before he speaks. “If that’s what you think you should do, then I’ll support you all the way. But shouldn’t you tell Minho about this?” 

“I’m not, because if I do, Minho is gonna find some way to get me to stay and I’ll crumble and stay because he affects me the most.” Hyunjin merely nods in response. “Hyunjin, you are the only one that can know about this, okay? I can’t have everyone else know this, especially Minho, okay?”

Hesitation again, and then, “Okay.” 

Hyunjin keeps his promise, he keeps the secret of me leaving from everyone. Even as graduation inches closer and our group begins to talk more about job searching, what comes next, and similar topics, the two of us keep it a secret. Whenever they asked me what I was thinking of doing next I always just told them “oh probably looking for internships nearby,” and no more questions are asked. 

Minho and Ahra were still very much in love, even more than before, if the growing absence of Minho’s presence was anything to go by. I barely saw Minho anymore, maybe catching him at the end of the hall every once in awhile, but he was always walking with Ahra so all I could say was “hello” and “goodbye.” 

Each goodbye begun to hold more and more weight as the days passed. Even the short ones I would tell Minho after passing him in the halls. I couldn’t even conjure how I would tell everyone, maybe send a letter to each of their places? A text message? Tell them after the graduation ceremony just before I left for the train station? I thought about how I would say goodbye as I begun to pack up my dorm. Graduation was nearing, I had already turned in all of my final assignments, and all there was left was to pack. I would leave after the ceremony ended, sometime in the afternoon. I wouldn’t even get the chance to properly celebrate being graduates with my friends because I was leaving in the afternoon. I’d get situated in my new apartment in Itaewon and get accustomed to new life outside of Gimpo. 

The thought of leaving panged my heart harshly, I had never left Gimpo permanently before. Sure, I had gone on trips to the US and Singapore and Seoul before, but I had never moved from Gimpo. I was born and raised in Gimpo, met Minho and all of our friends here, so the thought of moving for the first time did something to my heart. I attended all of our group hangouts with a nostalgic mindset, remembering the first time we all met, when we all got wasted one time on a Friday night after some big exam week. I look around our table of friends and think about how much I’ll miss all of this when I leave for Itaewon. 

Another thing that panged my heart, Minho and I distancing. I knew it was coming, Minho and I didn’t text or talk about hanging out anymore. He walked Ahra to her classes now, and had dates with her after class instead of meeting me at our cafe. Eventually I stopped getting apology messages, and stopped expecting him at the cafe anymore. I couldn’t blame him, Ahra was his girlfriend and I accepted that long ago. Instead I just played the supportive friend on the sidelines, and I’d continue to play that role for as long as I had to. 

It came to be the night before we graduated, and all of us minus Minho and Ahra were sat around a table in one of the restaurants we frequented, it wasn’t too late in the evening, and we all just sat in silence after finishing our food with bottles and glasses of soju now sitting in front of us. A majority of our meal was full of reminiscing, talking about memories that crack everyone up and left smiles on our faces. 

“So, we really graduate tomorrow, huh?” Changbin says when the table quiets down.

“Yeah, I guess we do.” Chan says quietly. 

My eyes tear up and I begin to sniff without control, the weight of my department tomorrow weighing heavily on my shoulders. Hyunjin puts an arm around my shoulders and gives me a tissue, whispering “it’s okay, it’s okay” to me while I try to calm down.

Everyone looks at me in confusion before Chan speaks first. “Y/n are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I just…” I trail off, not sure what to say.

“Do you want to tell them?” Hyunjin asks softly.

“Tell us what?” Seungmin says this time.

Hyunjin looks to me first before nodding, and I begin to spill my secret. “I got an internship offer.” 

The table erupts in cheers and I get congratulations thrown back at me before I can even continue.

“But…” Immediately everyone silences and looks to me in expectation. “It’s in Itaewon.” 

There’s a tense air that falls around us. “What?” Felix says in disbelief.

“You’re not leaving us, right Noona?” Jeongin asks from another part of the table. 

I look to Jeongin with sad eyes, smiling sadly. “I leave tomorrow, after our graduation ceremony.” There’s some gasps around the table.

“What?! Y/n, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Changbin blows up and Chan has to place a hand on his shoulder to restrain him.

“I didn’t want every time we met leading up to graduation to feel like a goodbye, Bin, I couldn’t handle that. So I kept it from you all so there wasn’t this tension every time we met.” I explained.

“Does Minho know?” Seungmin asks this time, and I shake my head.

“Y/n…” Han says worriedly.

“Guys, I know I’m not the only one that’s noticed that me and Minho aren’t that close anymore, so I haven’t really gotten the chance to tell him. But I told Hyunjin this a long time ago, that I wouldn’t tell Minho specifically, because there’s some things that I need to figure out and if I told him he’d find some way to keep me from going, or even worse, follow me. At least with Ahra by his side he won’t follow me to Itaewon.” There’s nods all around the table, understanding where I’m coming from.

“We’re gonna miss you a lot.” Felix sniffs and I coo, getting up from my seat to wrap my arms around him from behind. 

“I’m gonna miss you all too.” I sniff with him, a few tears escaping my eyes. 

Chan comes to join our hug, then Han, then Jeongin, and soon enough everyone has joined the group hug with me in the middle. All of us are crying, and I had never felt more loved than that moment. 

Eventually we break away from the hug and return to our seats, everyone dabbing at their eyes with tissues and sniffing. 

“Let’s all stop crying, tonight is a night to celebrate, all of us graduate tomorrow, and our dear Y/n got an internship offer in a big city!” Han holds up a drink and we all do the same, cheering and clinking our glasses together and celebrating the night away. 

The next morning I get ready for graduation early, putting on my makeup and doing my hair, and sending a message. 

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

hey, can you meet me at p&p in thirty?

My heart picks up the pace as I send the message, I didn’t expect him to answer so quickly yet his message pings my phone within 2 minutes. 

from: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sure, i can be there

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sweet, i’ll see you there

I turn my phone off and take a deep breath, we still had a few hours before we had to be at the school for our graduation ceremony, I’d have to leave just a few minutes after the ceremony ended which wouldn’t give me enough time to tell Minho, so, I made the painful decision the night before to tell him in the morning. I’d do it in our favorite spot in the corner of our favorite cat cafe, tell him the news slowly and hope that he takes it well. 

I leave my house and 15 minutes later I’m in our usual booth, my coffee order sitting in front of me and the cats all wandering around as there weren’t too many people since it was relatively early in the morning. I already bought Minho his typical Iced Americano and it sat in front of me, awaiting it’s owner. 

10 minutes later Minho arrives and makes his way to the table, sitting in front of me, smiling, unknowing of what’s about to happen. 

“Hey.” I smile at him.

“Hey you.” He smiles back brightly. “Sorry I couldn’t see you guys last night, I took Ahra out for dinner last night on a date.”

“It’s completely alright, how are you guys?” 

“Pretty good, things are going okay right now.” He answers.

“That’s good.” Nervously I take a sip of my macchiato in front of me, my leg bouncing in anxiety. 

“Y/n? Is everything alright? Your leg’s bouncing pretty fast right now.” Curse Minho and the fact that he knows so much about me, he reaches out for my wrist and checks my pulse, quickly noticing how fast it’s beating as his brows furrow in confusion. 

“Minho, there’s something I need to tell you.” I say, retracting my wrist from his grip. He doesn’t answer me but instead tilts his head like a cat does when it looks at its owner questionably. “I’m leaving.” 

“What?” He asks.

How could one look so endearing, head tilted and eyes full of emotion as I break the news to him? I ask myself. “I got an internship offer for a company in Itaewon, I accepted it and I’m leaving for Itaewon, today.” 

“You’re leaving today?” He says in disbelief, sounding out of breath.

I nod and continue. “After the graduation today I have to catch my bus. I didn’t have any other time to tell you so I had to tell you now.” 

“You’re… You’re just telling me now? Do the others know about this?” 

“I only told them last night.”

“You couldn’t have thought of telling me sooner?” He starts to get angry.

“Minho I-“

“What happened to telling me everything, huh? What happened to when we used to know everything about each other?”

“Minho, those days are long behind us, you have bigger priorities now, like putting your focus on your girlfriend, Minho. I couldn’t tell you because I knew you’d do something rash, and I didn’t even tell the others until last night because I knew every time we’d see each other it would be like preparing for the day I leave. You and Ahra have something so great going on for the two of you right now and telling you that I was leaving would take you away from that, and I can’t do that to you or her. Ahra is an amazing girl, and you have her now.”

“Will you at least visit?” His eyes are full of tears, some of the first I’ve seen in years and I hate that I’m the cause of it. 

“I don’t know yet, there’s some things I need to figure out myself first, before I can visit. But at some point maybe I will, when I’ve figured things out I’ll try visiting from time to time.” I offer him a sad smile. 

After a few moments of silence I get up from my seat. 

“We still have a graduation left, Min, I’ll still see you then.” I ruffle his hair and walk out of the cafe, no more secrets but one weighing down on my chest. 

The Graduation ceremony passes by in a blur. One moment we were listening to the speeches of each of the professors and the next we were tossing our caps into the air, cheering as we became alumni of our university. 

Our friend group met up in the front of the school, taking pictures with our parents and congratulating each other. Eventually, the time comes and I have to go. 

Our group stands in a circle, unmoving, as we all look at each other. 

“I’m gonna miss all of you so much.” I say in tears as my voice breaks.

“We’re gonna miss you too, Y/n.” Hyunjin says. At his words everyone gathers into a group hug full of tears and the weight of a goodbye on our shoulders. 

“You better promise to visit us, okay?” Felix holds me by the shoulders and makes a point to look me in the eye. Not trusting my voice, I nod and he brings me into one more hug. 

I hug each of them individually, saying a few words, before I reach the last person. 

I hug Minho and look into his eyes for the last time for a while.

“I’ll miss you.” He whispers.

“Me too.” And that’s all I can say. 

I leave the campus for the last time, hopping in my car to head to the station and start anew.

Second leads always leave in the end, they leave and let the two main leads have a happy ending. That’s what it felt like I was doing, and I couldn’t tell if I was content with my choice or not. 

Two and a half months in Itaewon passes quickly. 

The move into my new apartment was smooth, and it was odd to be in a bigger space than a small dorm room. It felt like I had more space than I knew what to do with. 

My internship was moving along smoothly as well, everyone I had met so far were really kind and taught me a lot. I was worried about feeling out of place but I had met a few other girls not much older than me who helped me feel at home. 

Being alone in a big city was unnerving, but what made it so much more comfortable was the addition of a cat that my parents had bought me as my graduation gift. She was a chartreux cat who I named Luna because I had always dreamed of naming my first cat that. My parents covered most of the costs of basic things like cat toys, a scratch post, her bed, and similar things. I thanked my parents endlessly when they came over to my apartment a week after I had moved in and gave me Luna. I wasn’t gone for too long during the day and always left food for her, she was great company when I came home and worked on projects late into the evening, curling up into my lap like the cats at the old cafe used to. She was my best friend in a city I was still getting accustomed to. 

I hadn’t talked to the guys much, I’d talked with them a few times in the group chat about how their job searches were going and trips they were planning to take soon. It was nice talking with them every so often but all of us were still pretty busy moving onto the next chapter of our lives. 

I hadn’t talked to Minho since I left, I’d assumed that he and Ahra were doing well, but that’s all that was, assumption. None of the boys talked about him and I couldn’t understand why, but I never asked since I was supposed to be moving on from my feelings in the first place. I thought I had been doing pretty well until something would come up that reminded me of him, like his favorite song would play in the cafe I bought my morning coffee in and spent my breaks at, or snapchat would send me “Today, 1 year ago” memories of him and me fooling around at Paws and Pastries. Whenever that would happen I’d be sent back to square one, and it felt like I’d never move on from Minho. 

I was on my way out to grab a coffee and spend my off day walking around, maybe looking into a few shops when I got a call from Hyunjin.

“Y/n! My favorite girl, how are you?”

“Hyunjin? What’s with the call?”

“What? Can I not call my friends from time to time?”

“Not when you’re notorious for calling your ‘friends’ after you’ve done something wrong.” I sigh.

“That was one time! Besides, it wasn’t that bad.”

“You dragged Jeongin to a party! And got him wasted!” 

“One. Time. Y/n. It was one time.”

“One time is enough for you to be in trouble for life, Hyun.”

“Okay, whatever, but I was meaning to ask you, what’re your plans for today?” 

“Me? I was just planning to go out, today’s my day off so I was gonna visit this one cafe and see some shops, why?” 

“No reason, what time do you think you’ll be home?” 

“Maybe five?”

“Great, okay, I have to go now, Han’s calling me, bye!” Hyunjin hangs up before I can ask him what’s with the weird questions.

“Hyunjin- Oh great he hung up.” I put my phone in my pocket before looking down at Luna who’s stretching near my legs. “Your uncle Hyunjin is quite the odd one, isn’t he Luna, hm?” I ask her and she meows back in response. “Weird indeed, but that’s just how he is. Mommy’s gonna spend her day out and then she’ll come home and we can watch the TV together, okay? I’ll be home soon.” I pick up Luna and set her on her little bed before ensuring everything is safe and make my way out the door. 

I spend the day eating at a large cat cafe that actually had an assortment of books with little reading areas while the cats roamed around everywhere. It was much bigger than the cafe in Gimpo, but I would always correlate that one with home. 

After I spent a bit of time reading there I went out and explored the shops for a few hours, bought some new jeans and a few blouses plus some makeup things. I got Subway for lunch and explored just a little bit more before heading home. Instead of going straight home, I decided to take the long way, going through the streets not minding the extra weight the few shopping bags I was holding in my hands gave me. The sun was just barely beginning to set as I walked into my apartment complex, getting into the elevator and pressing the button for my floor. 

I walk down the hallway to my door and am surprised when a familiar figure greets me there. 

“Minho?” I say as I walk closer. 

“Y/n!” He says happily, bringing me into a hug. 

“What are you doing here? Actually- Wait- Don’t answer that, do you wanna come inside?” I ask him.

“Sure.” He responds. 

I unlock the door and bring my bags in, setting them by the door. “Luna! Mommy’s home!” I call out automatically.

Luna meows and comes out of the bedroom, walking her way up to me before I pick her up. 

“You got a cat?” Minho asks.

“Yeah, parents brought her to me about a week after I moved in.” I put Luna back down and she moves to sit on the arm of the couch, her favorite spot to sit when the sun goes down.

“And you named her Luna,” He smiles fondly. “You always wanted to name your cat Luna.” 

“I’m surprised you remember that.” I chuckle. “Do you want some coffee?” 

“Sure.” 

“I’ll get that brewing, just give me a few minutes, you can take a seat on the couch and make yourself at home!” I tell him as I quickly retreat to the kitchen.

I have to take a few breaths when I’m far away enough from Minho, my heart beating just as fast as it would when I was around him back then. It was clear I hadn’t moved on at all. 

I brew the coffee as promised and wait next to the coffee machine with two mugs ready. A voice chimes in behind me.

“Your place is much bigger than the dorms.” He chuckles.

“Tell me about it, it was so weird buying more furniture than I was used to.” I laugh with him. 

The machine finishes brewing the coffee and I pour it into the two mugs, putting it on a tray with creamer and sugar before bringing it all to the coffee table in front of the couch. 

Minho and I take seats on the couch, separated by a bit of space between us while we sip on our respective mugs.

“So,” I start the conversation. “How’s home?” 

“Not too bad, same old same old, the guys being annoying as usual, you know?” He says.

“Sounds fun.” I chuckle. “And work, have you found anything yet?” 

“Not yet, I’ve got a few applications out, but I’m still waiting on some answers.”

“I’m sure you’ll get them soon.” I respond. 

An uncomfortable silence sets over the both of us, and I run my free hand through Luna’s fur who’s situated herself in my lap this time. I take a long sip of my coffee before asking another question.

“How’s… How are you and Ahra?” 

“Oh…” He trails off. “We broke up a few weeks ago.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that…” I had no idea that he and Ahra had broken up, in fact that was the completely opposite of what I thought had happened since they seemed to work together so well. 

“Yeah, it was a mutual thing. We didn’t really feel that kind of connection anymore, you know? So we just, broke it off.” 

“Are you okay?” I ask Minho.

“Me? Yeah, I’m actually not as affected as I thought I’d be, I don’t know if that makes me a cruel person or not but I was only sad for the first week or two. Nothing too bad.” 

“I see.” Another silence settles between us. This one is longer, more tense, there was something Minho wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure, and I couldn’t depict what question he was going to ask.

“Actually, I came her for a reason.” He says.

“And what reason is that?” I ask hesitantly.

“For answers.” My brows furrow, answers for what? “There’s something Hyunjin told me recently and it got me thinking, and I wanted to hear it from you if it was true.”  

I finish my coffee and place it down delicately on the coffee table, trying not to show how nervous I was with how badly my hands were shaking. “I’ll see if I have answers for you then.” 

“When you told me you were leaving, you said you had some, things, to figure out on your own. What was it that you had to figure out?” 

I take a moment to decide exactly how I was going to answer his question. Did I want to expose my feelings to him just yet? “Just, feelings.” I say vaguely.

“For?”

“Just feelings for somebody.”

“Is it Hyunjin?”

“No.”

“Chan?”

“Nope.”

“Changbin?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Me?”

I pause for just a half second, and apparently that was all Minho needed. “I guess Hyunjin’s big mouth was right after all.”

“Wait- What? What are you talking about?” 

Minho takes a long sip of his coffee before finishing letting out a sigh after swallowing, he slowly sets the mug on the table before making direct eye contact with me and silently killing me with the suspense. “Minho please just say something you’re killing me here.”

He only chuckles in response. “Hyunjin told me not too long ago that you took up the offer to work here because you were going to sort out your feelings, for me.” He says sweetly as I suck in a breath at his last words. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Minho-“

“Now now, Y/n, we shouldn’t hide things from each other anymore, should we?” His sweet, sultry voice was affecting me greatly as he leaned closer to me on the couch. I gulp and silently curse when Luna, the only thing keeping me sane, leaves the comfort of my lap for her scratch-post. 

“Minho…” I let out quietly.

“Tell me, Kitten, is it true?” He asks once again. 

“I-“ My voice catches in my throat when Minho leans in ever nearer, still making direct eye-contact with me. “Yes, it is.” I sigh out and Minho backs away. 

“He was right.” Minho whispers while my gaze drops to my hands that I fiddle with in my lap at the secret that’s let out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Why are you sorry darling?” He asks softly and uses his thumb and forefinger to tilt my head up by my chin. 

“I couldn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t feel the same, and then when you got together with Ahra we drifted apart because it hurt me to see you with her. Then I left and told you about me leaving so last minute. I made you cry, Minho, and I hate that I did. But I couldn’t see any other way out of it. I hurt you because I was cowardly and didn’t want to be selfish by telling you and having your attention move off of Ahra, when I was really being selfish by not telling you and hurting you in the end.” More tears escape my eyes as we look at each other.

“Princess, no…” He cups my face with his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. “I’ll admit, it did hurt when you told me that you were leaving the day of, but I understood where you were coming from. Because you were right, I would have done something crazy to keep you by my side. Do you know why?” He asks, and I shake my head, still crying. “Because I need you by my side, kitten, even when I was dating Ahra I felt off but just didn’t pay any mind to it because I had her. But now I know it’s because you and I were drifting apart, I found out when after you left and me and Ahra broke up because I felt empty. I couldn’t text you to just come over anymore because you’re farther away from me now. I lied earlier, I said that I sent out some applications for jobs but didn’t get any answers yet, right?” I nod. “I got offered a job as a software engineer, here, in Itaewon, and I said yes.” 

“Why?” I whisper.

“Because I want to be near you, I need to be by your side Y/n, because I love you.” I let out a sob at his confession and he coos, bringing me to rest my head on his chest and rubbing his hands on my back and running them through my hair. 

“I love you too.” I say after a few minutes. 

Minho brings me out of his hold, and cups my face again. For the first time, he kisses me. His lips brush over mine before deepening the kiss, taking full charge of it yet somehow still being soft with me. His kisses were nothing short of addicting, and I knew I’d be in love with him for a long time. 

In that moment, kissing the man of my dreams, I remember that it may be rare that a second lead gets their own happy ending, but it’s not unheard of. Sometimes the main lead and second lead do end up with their own happily ever after. 

Notes from the author: I have FINALLY posted something y’all 😂 took a few months but she’s here, and she’s dishing out something at least. I don’t know how often I’ll be posting again, esp with school and whatnot, but I do know I need to drain out my drafts because phew, it’s getting a little full in there. 

But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this fic! I’m pretty sure it’s one of the longest I’ve written if not the longest. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad, I’m probably a little rusty but we can fix that (i think)

if you want more I still have my old stuff up on my masterlist on my account! hope to see you around :))

-nyx

[just-castlevania-imagines]

My Thoughts on Castlevania S3

So I cant sleep, I've binged this series twice now & I really need to get this out. For context on me as a person, I am an LGBT+ WOC (specifically Asian & bisexual). Castlevania is my favourite game series + the reason why I pursued Game Design as my career. The show means the world to me & I thoroughly enjoyed s3 for the most part. I acknowledge the flaws & these r just MY opinions, they do not reflect the other mods intentionally in anyway.

The art + animation was so CLEAN. There was not one scene that did not take my breath away. The attention to detail was phenomenal I have no words to describe it.

Some of the best fight scenes ever just ridiculous, it's like john wick. The action is upped every installment + its just so CLEAN

The entire team puts so much time + effort Into making Sypha such an enjoyable badass it's so amazing. I am never disappointed with her, never ever.

The lesbians. Striga & Morana, god I wish that were me.

Isaacs character arc was so good. Like the budget really went to Sypha + Issac this season LOL

Sumi + Takka, they meant so much to me. I love them, I really do. I cant say I'm not hurt seeing them at the end. I'm actually very hurt, my heart aches. I never thought I'd get to see representation like that in a series that I loved but felt idk invisible to. LGBT Asians in a historical setting outside of Asia, it was just...a dream for me. I fell in love w/ them instantly & I think that's why I tend to over look their faults a lot.

But when you see yourself on screen in something you've dedicated years to & you're just finally seen its...its so hard. The last time I felt this full was Shiro from V*ltr*n and we know how that shit went down. Idk I'm happy for what I recieved, grateful even, for however short it was. I loved their characters, i love sumi + takka i just wish they got a better ending. They all deserved better

More info on Cho I really oof I could not have asked for more. This bitch was so extra & I love her

That music score, the sound design. Bruh I can't even with all this TALENT

I call episode 9 the Fuckening

The Portals to different worlds really confuses me but I am here for it, I hope it's just like an Easter egg to their future projects or that the writers were all high around then

I see u w/ that jojo reference, I bet you think ur all so slick

Hector's entire story arc, wtf was that? My guy you can't be like "Oh humanity is evil and stupid and eats shit" and then be that gullible I-ooof u frustrate me u beautiful boy. Like s2 implies he burns his family alive & I'm sitting here deadass like how the fuck did u even pull that off

The forgemasters being called pretty + their reactions were priceless

I want Richter Armitage to read me a bed time story

Trevor, Isaac & Sypha r just so well done this season

THE. HORSES. ARE. HEALTHIER.

Isaac rode a demonic purple unicorn around the world, he's my fucking hero

Alucard a confirmed bottom + bisexual thank u

The sex scenes were juxtaposed to the intense fighting but it felt awkward to watch but it was also very fitting in an odd way????

The dolls were hilarious

I learned a lot about toilet paper

The Judge being like "no kids run around in my village" is the equivalent to Mr. Mosby from Suit Life of Zack & Cpdy being like "dont u run in my lobby" AND I CALLED IT OUT AND AND WAS RIGHT

This show has taught me to never trust bald, old white men w/ interesting voices

Carmilla was just a hot ball of anger for the most Part & got annoying real fast, but that night robe tho. That was everything

I liked Lenore's character trope. Being that sweet innocent looking one, but shes really just this cruel evil bitch. Like everyone complains about Carmilla but at least shes evil to ur face until this fake bitch over here

Takka doesn't do mornings? Niether do I

Alucards wardrobe upgraded from deep Vs to fluffy Victorian Lestat cosplay

I really really want an empire run by 4 vampire sisters. Like I know they're all evil, cruel bitches but the sisterhood they showed for each other is such a goal. Women supporting women is amazing I just wish they weren't the fucking villains

A lot of my gripe is that all the rep I want & thirst for all falls into a negative category in some way/shape/form

This whole season feels more like a bridge to season 4. Kinda like a season full of fillers.

The ending hurts me I'm several ways, but objectively it is a haunting image and it really invokes so much on it's own w/o context backing it. W/ it tho, even more mindblowing and heartbreaking

Thank you so much for pronouncing Kolkata properly

I'm always blown away by character designs ur doing great sweety

The angel has the juiciest ass

Where the fuck is Cezar?

Aight I think that's all for now. If you got issues then come to me about it, not the other mods. But I'll let u know I will not tolerate racist shit (which I've gotten on IG already). I really needed to dump these feelings out. I stan Sumi & Takka, I love them and I'll carry all that on my own if I have to.

- Sincerely Mod Wall Chicken

[annakie]

Patchy

A little under two years ago I made this post, a chronicle of Patchy, the outside feral, turned inside kitty who took ten years to learn to love being petted.

Today we got some bad news.

TW for pet illness under the cut.

Patchy’s always been a bit of a puker, usually oh, say, once a month or so she’d have a good puke for no reason.  I’ve had other cats that are pukers so it’s not that surprising.

In the late winter/early spring I started to notice more frequent pukes.

I’d decided around that time that I needed to find healthier food for my cats, with Leela, the oldest turning 16, Fry turning 11, Pemily turning 7 and Patchy turning, I don’t know, 12 or 13.  No way to really know.  They already got decent food, but I did my research and had started looking at Blue Buffalo, American Journey and Dave’s canned food. 

Patchy had been on a mostly canned food diet since she went to the vet back in early 2020 and had a bunch of teeth pulled.  Also, as a note, Patchy’s brief flirtation with hanging out in the rest of the house ended after like a month.  She and Fry fought too much, and eventually he claimed the rest of the house is his.  He also still thinks the master bedroom should be his, but, Patchy defends that territory well if anyone else encroaches. (The door just stays closed most of the time.)  I really wish they could have all gotten along, I loved having Patchy out, but both Fry and Patchy agreed it wasn’t going to work.

The food she’d been on was pretty junk-food-ish though, which she did love and eat. But I wanted everyone on more or less the same diet and the highest quality food I could readily get them.  So I bought a lot of cans of different kinds of food, and kept a list of which ones seemed to be hits and misses. (I still have a dozen cans of the kind nobody liked -- Blue Buffalo Wilderness Salmon -- I’ve been meaning to take to the city shelter).

Around halfway into this experiment I noticed Patchy puking more, so I decided to try to stick with her favorite kinds, which, I thought was helping.

But once I was fully vaccinated this year, it was time to get all the pets to the vet.  I noticed Patchy had still lost some weight, I thought it was due to switching around her food too much earlier, and tried to stick with the things I felt she really liked.

Then, of course, Leela got sick, spent two and a half days in the pet ER and almost died back in April, and then it was like... yeah we’re done being afraid of COVID, we’re done waiting.  It’s time to get them all their checkups.

My regular vet was doing COVID restrictions so no pet owners inside the clinic back then, so they took Patchy (and the others) in without me.  I thought Patchy had lost some weight, but Dr. B. sounded alarmed when he called me with how much lost she’d lost in the last year, about five pounds.  He wanted to do some bloodwork for Patchy, and I said of course go for it.  

He called back, sounding much calmer and was like “her bloodwork couldn’t be more perfect.  Let’s try switching up her food, get her on some sensitive stomach food and let’s see how she’s doing in a couple weeks.”

So two weeks later it did seem like she was doing better, I called Dr. B back and he said to bring her back in a month.

It was my plan to take her back next week when I had some PTO coming.  I admit, later than planned... my last couple of months have been mucn more focused on Leela... who, thankfully, continues to thrive.  But feeling like my time with her is running out, she’s been my main area of concern.

The last few days though, Patchy has really not been eating well.  Sometimes she does OK, sometimes nothing at all.  And then puking every day.  I swapped her back even to a few cans of the Junk Food (Whiskas) I still had laying around.  She’d eat it... and then puke it up.  And also she... stopped sleeping with me.  I thought... well, it’s summer.  It’s probably too hot to cuddle.  But she stopped laying on the bed.  She stopped coming up for pets when I come to bed and hang out for awhile specifically to spend time with her and pet her.  She runs under the bed again when I come into the room.  It’s like we regressed to three or four years ago... just two weeks after our two year anniversary of getting to pet her.

So this afternoon we went to the vet.  Getting her into the carrier sucked.  I tried nice methods, then I had to scare her into the closet by running the vacuum, and then pretty roughly grab her.  I have scratches and a pretty deep bite on my thumb which either maybe hit a nerve or is infected, may have to go to the doctor for it tomorrow. (Yes, washed it thoroughly with soap as soon as I could.)  I also hated betraying her trust that badly, but it’s for her own good.  But it was rough.

Dr B. wasn’t working so I saw one of the other vets.  I liked him. Also COVID restrictions are gone so I got to go inside. But after talking to him for a few minutes, going over her history and what changes I’ve made, he spent a long time rubbing her intestines (Patchy was perfectly behaved, at least.)   Then he looked concerned.  Then he said let’s do an ultrasound.

A few minutes he came back in and showed me her scans. 

Lymphoma.

I was a bit stunned for a second so I missed a bit of the technical speak he said next, but it came down to the best thing we could do is give her some medicine that may buy her more time.  It doesn’t sound like Chemo or Operating is even really an option.  I’m going to call back tomorrow and see if Dr. B or the vet I talked to can talk me through it a little better now that I’ve had a chance to digest.

If I can get Patchy to take the medicine, and if she responds well to it... she may have 3 - 6 months left.

If she won’t take it, or if she doesn’t respond, it’s at this point, a matter of her comfort and quality of life.  So... weeks.  And I’m worried about getting her to take the medicine, especially since she won’t even come let me pet her and we just had a huge trust betrayal today. I don’t know if I could take her spending her last few weeks hating me, especially if the medicine doesn’t work.

The vet also told me that... I didn’t do anything wrong.  And we did the right thing six or so weeks ago by changing her food and seeing if a few other things worked. Especially with how good her blookwork looked.  He barely felt the cancer today, he said six weeks ago Dr. B wouldn’t have been able to feel it at all.  And for this particular type of lymphoma... there’s not a lot to be done, anyway.  That made me feel better, at least.

(As a really dumb side note, after I got her home, I sat down to eat dinner and watch an episode of Star Trek to take my mind off of all of this since I’d been crying since I found out, paid my bill, and drove home, stopping at a drive through so I didn’t have the mental load of cooking.  And I’m in the middle of my rewatch of Enterprise.  I bet any trekkies reading this can guess what episode was next in my rewatch because yep I’m in season two and A NIGHT IN SICKBAY started playing, of course, so obviously I NOPED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT EPISODE.  For the non-Trekkies.... the Captain has a dog on board, an adorable beagle, Porthos.  The dog gets sick and almost dies and spends his night in Sickbay.  He does pull through.  But the ONE episode centered around a beloved pet getting sick and almost dying... and that’s the episode that fate decreed I was supposed to watch tonight. I did not.  I don’t know if I can watch it anytime soon.)

So now for the next few weeks I will spend my time being grateful that Leela is alive and thriving and pray she keeps doing so -- I will continue to give her extra love and care and attention, and also I will need to do the same for Patchy.  I can’t even do it at the same time because Patchy will not come out here, and will not allow Leela in her room. 

I am low-key freaking out that there’s the possibility of the nightmare scenario happening to me again.  In winter 2016, after months of being sick, I woke up on Christmas morning and my 16-year-old cat Jim had died overnight.  It was terrible, and traumatic, and I had to deal with everything all alone because anyone who could support me was... well, it was Christmas morning and my family was all out of town, too.  Posting about it on Tumblr... actually really helped me, since it’s the only place I felt like I could talk about it.

That Christmas was on a Sunday.

Wednesday morning I woke up to hearing my dog, Cebu, moaning in pain.   I rushed him to the vet, but whatever happened overnight, it was too late, maybe there wasn’t anything we ever could have done even if I’d been awake when the puking started.  The vet said the kindest thing we could do was put him to sleep.  And we did.

Also I just, JUST now realized that the vet who helped put Cebu to sleep was the same vet who I saw today about Patchy.

But I lost two of my pets within 3 days of each other.  I was very lucky that my job let us have the week between Christmas and New Years off that year.  I had a few days to pull myself together, and I needed it.  It took months to recover totally, though.  Every once in awhile I think about that week and I still cry, though.  I miss them both so much and they both had deaths that were less than ideal.

I remember thinking then “I have like, five years of reprive.  Leela will be sixteen in five years, and that’s when I have to start to worry again, when I have to be ready to say goodbye again.”

I thought then that even after that I’d have two or three years until Patchy would leave me, and two or three years past that until Fry.  And then five more years with Pemily.

Right now I’m realizing that I will likely lose Patchy, very best case in six months, but possibly before July is over.

I need Leela to keep thriving.  I don’t know how I would handle losing another two so close together again.

Patchy is... she’s the one who chose me.  I chose my other cats.  Fry and Pemily I plucked from the backyard when they were tiny kittens and brought them inside.  They didn’t have a choice.  Leela I adopted from a rescue, she didn’t have a choice.  Patchy chose to stay.  She chose to stick around when she realized I’d feed her.  It took years but she learned to trust, she chose to come inside when it was cold, when it was hot, when it was storming, and when she was pregnant.  She chose me to help raise the last litter of kittens she’d ever had.  (My entire Rescue Kitties tag is full of adventures in finding, raising and usually adopting out strays. Lots and lots of posts about Patchy and her final litter.  Been awhile since I’ve done it, though.)

I used to joke that Patchy was my roommate, not a pet.  She ate, drank, did her business, and kept to herself for a long time.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very good, quiet, considerate roommate and I loved her.  But it wasn’t until that wonderful day she let me pet her that I felt like she was my pet. 

I loved having her just hanging out living in the house since 2014, but the last two years especially have brought me such joy.  I’ve tried to never take Patchy’s trust in me for granted.  It was EARNED.  Every small step forward was a milestone to be celebrated. I worked for every bit of trust and love Patchy has given me, and have been rewarded.  And it was worth it.  Every minute.  Every long, patient year.

Even now I’m telling myself... without me, she would have died years ago.  Probably violently, or starved, maybe frozen to death.  Getting to die of cancer brought on by older age is not something that most feral cats ever get to do.  Getting to become an inside kitty where she’s loved, and comfortable for the second half of her life was something remarkable, brought on by her wiles and will to survive for so many years, bolstered by the food I left out for her.  She’s had this much time, this much life, this much comfort and love that she would have never had otherwise, and that’s something to be happy about.

I’ve watched dozens of ferals come and go through my neighborhood throughout the years.  I feed them, I work on seeing if I can get them to trust me enough to let me TNR them, but even those that I have, I don’t keep seeing for much longer.  There’s one right now, I jokingly call him Patchy’s Boyfriend.  He still won’t trust me and never has fallen for the trap when I’ve tried.  But he’s there most nights when I feed him around 11.  He’s getting terribly thin despite the quality food I leave out.  I’ll miss him.

But none of them were Patchy.  None of them became what she is to me. None of them survived long enough to adapt and decide to live another life.

Also?  I wouldn’t have Pemily without her.  Pemily is literally Patchy’s Granddaughter and that is one more thing I love Patchy for.

I feel guilty sometimes, both because I don’t spend nearly enough waking hours with her I feel, but I have three others who need me, as well. One who’s time is growing short, as well.  And they don’t get to sleep with me, she does.  What a joy it was all winter when I would wake up and she’d be sleeping on my chest.  I’d get a bit annoyed when she’d sleep with her backside to my face and her tail would tickle my face and wake me up.  I’m a side-sleeper half the night and she hated that it was harder to get comfortable on me that way.  She still doesn’t want to have my hand just stay on her, she wants pets and skirtches, no long-form touching.  That’s ok.  I sleep better with her weight on me.

I don’t know what the next few weeks or months will hold, but at least pet-wise, it’s going to be rough.  I’m going to wrap this up and give these three out here a good pet, then go hope Patchy comes and asks for love, too.  Tomorrow is one more day with all four of them, and for that, I’ll be grateful, for every remaining day.

[littlelauren94]

Enlightenment.

You would have been 60 on the Solstice yesterday, and I bet you were having one hell of a party. I wish I could have joined you.

I don’t remember the last time I made myself throw up. My relationship with food has improved dramatically in the last two years. My whole life has changed. 

I completed my Masters and got my degree which is a bigger achievement than it sounds. I spent the whole year crash dieting, binging and purging. I was a swollen, broken mess by the time I finished, but I got through it in one piece and came out stronger as a result. Following my Masters I spent 3 long, well-earned months doing nothing, before starting a job training to be a weather forecaster. 

The year I spent alone and in pain paid off - I’m qualified now and different person. I don’t think I’d recognise the broken girl on the floor of the en suite bathroom today. I wish I could tell her it will work out in the end, the pain goes away, you learn to deal with it and you start to piece yourself back together again. I wish I could hold her and let her cry, listen to the heartbreak she had bottled up, too ashamed to share with her family, too self-conscious to share with her friends. The people who are in most need of a hug are the ones who hide away from the opportunity. 

It’s been a slow recovery. A lot of progress was made in the three month break, spending time with my mum and childhood friends, slowing down and allowing myself to feel the colossal loss of my father, something I had been burying during my time in University. Moving to Exeter to start the new job, I wanted to he happy and healthy. I also wanted to be skinny and sexy but for the first time, I listened to and managed my body in a healthy way. I moved in with a friend, also starting a new job, and sharing food and eating together taught me what a normal relationship with food looks like. I don’t think this friend realises what an impact she had on my body, my self esteem, my health and ultimately my future. 

I met my boyfriend in Exeter. I wasn’t expecting to, I certainly wasn’t looking, but it was the most organic friendship and eventual relationship I’ve ever formed. He’s also had a big impact on my health and body, but mostly on my mental wellbeing. He loves me, he loves my body and gives me more confidence in myself every time we’re together. I still have bad days, I still occasionally eat a whole share bag of M&Ms or a whole pot of sweets but I no longer punish myself. I no longer beat and abuse my body after a ‘bad’ episode. I embrace it, I accept that actually that is a part of me and it’ll take a long time to relearn my behaviours but sometimes your body does need a little love and care, be that in the form of a massage, a facial or a bar of chocolate. Instead, now I brush my teeth, say enough and carry on with my day. I wake up the next day and I begin again. These occasions are becoming more and more infrequent, maybe once or twice a month, sometimes less, and nothing physical has changed. I haven’t gained any weight, I fluctuate a little but I can recognise it and change my diet accordingly. I still run, 100 KM a month nowadays and I no longer get stomach pain, I no longer faint from the efforts. I’m healthier and happier than I’ve been for a long time.

Coronavirus lockdown has been a challenge but I’ve embraced it, and not punished myself for the bad days. These are unprecedented circumstances and I think everyone is doing the best they can. 

Two years ago I would have laughed at the notion that one day I would be okay, that one day I would have just one slice of cake and then carry on with my day. But here we are. And it could be you. Miracles do happen. 

[luvknow]

roommates au | the best friend, kim woojin

genre: kim woojin x reader | college au ; friends-to-lovers au summary: woojin has been your best friend since high school. now he was your roommate, and living together took your friendship to a whole other level. wc: 2.5k

if woojin was going to be living with a roommate, it had to be with someone he already knew and trusted.

he wasn’t about that whole “let’s meet on craigslist” deal after he was randomly paired with someone for his first year living at the student dorms.

the day they met was when he decided he would never do anything like that ever again.

his roommate was absolutely terrible!

not only were they messy, they also played their music loud, got crumbs on his bunk, had people over, and worst of all...

he was sexiled five too many times to count in one month.

all five of those times he found himself crawling to your dorm just down the hall.

you and woojin have known each other all throughout your high school years and when you both found out you got accepted to the same dream school, you figured this was some sort of stroke of luck and applied to be in the same dorms, too.

luck was on your side, because you both ended up on the same floor and in the same hall!

so whenever woojin needed help with his homework, wanted to grab a bite to eat, or was exiled from his room due to a sock on the door knob, he was at your door in a heartbeat.

on the other hand, your roommate was perfect, due to the fact that they were almost never there because they were always at their significant other’s place, so you and woojin often had your dorm to yourselves.

a lot of long nights, long talks, and long study sessions happened in your dorm.

one night, while silently studying, you came up with a brilliant idea.

“hey.”

“hm?” he hummed, not looking up from his textbook.

“let’s get an apartment together next year.”

“ok.”

“wha - really!? just like that?”

“honestly, i was going to ask you eventually. you just beat me to it.”

“ok, this is a real verbal agreement, right? no take-backs?”

“if i have to live in the dorms another year, i will drop out, so i am one hundred percent serious.”

“yay!” you grinned. “we’re gonna be roommates ~! let’s shop at ikea!”

“we can only afford ikea, anyways...”

after spending the entire summer together buying furniture, decorations, and basic essentials, you were all ready to move in before the new school year.

your bedrooms were on opposite sides of the apartment, allowing you to have your privacy if you wanted it.

but most of the time, when both of you were home, you spent that time together in the living room and only went to your rooms to sleep.

you guys studied together, ate together, watched your favorite shows together - as roommates, you guys were inseparable.

sometimes while watching a movie, you wouldn’t even make it to your bed and fell asleep on the couch with your head on woojin’s shoulder.

that was the weird thing about being roommates.

you guys got pretty... intimate while sharing the same space.

mornings often went like this:

“woojin, can you move i’m trying to brush my teeth,” you mumbled at 8am while trying to fight woojin in a tshirt and boxers for sink space.

“my skincare is more important than your dental hygiene,” he scolded back.

“god, why are you so big it’s like i’m pushing a wall!”

“don’t be so mean - i’m thick, not big.”

in the kitchen it was more like this:

“wooojiiinnn ~” you whined cutely from the kitchen table. “i’m hungryyyy ~”

“go make something then.”

“but you’re so much better at making things...!”

“are you serious right now, i made dinner yesterday!”

"and it was amazing ~”

“ugh, you’re so lazy.................................................. what do you want?”

and the living room went like this:

“yoink,” woojin said as he snatched the remote up from your hands.

“don’t you change the channel or i will eat all of your snacks.”

“... you won’t...”

“bet.”

woojin squinted his eyes and dared to change the channel from your drama that was in the midst of a scene that could have led up to a kiss to his stupid weeb programs.

in a fury, you leaped up from the couch and sprinted straight woojin’s stash of snacks in his bedroom.

“hey, get out of my room!” he yelled, chasing after you.

“i said bet, so i’m gonna fulfill it!! that’s what you get!”

“don’t be a dick!”

“don’t change my channel!!”

in the end, both of you missed your shows and ended up sharing the snacks while watching some terrible movie.

living with your best friend had it’s difficult times, but you would never trade your roommate for anyone else.

if you thought you were best friends before, well you sure as hell are now, ten fold.

it took your relationship to a whole other level, and you weren’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

take, for example, when you were patiently waiting to use the bathroom when woojin was busy showering.

annoyed and already late for the day, you would continuously knock on the door knowing he was just taking his sweet ass time doing his skin care routine.

“i swear to god, if i miss one more clicker question -”

and then as if he was waiting for you to be at a certain level of annoyance, he’d open the bathroom door, letting all the steam out and revealing him in nothing but a towel around his waist.

he never failed to make you stop mid-sentence to gawk at his nearly-naked body that where his lower half was only covered with a towel.

you thought you knew everything about woojin up to this point in your friendship, but you never thought about how much he worked out and developed a six pack.

“staring is rude, _____,” woojin teased as he walked passed your stunned form.

it was hard to look him in the eye after that.

on woojin’s side of the matter, who also wasn’t sure whether living together and taking your relationship to a new level was good, had a weakness about you of his own.

on nights when it was warmer and you were dressing more comfortably around the apartment in your pajamas, instead of pajama pants, you opted for shorts that revealed a lot of leg.

just like how you didn’t realize woojin’s six pack, woojin never noticed how long your legs were.

your skin looked so smooth and soft, too -

“staring is rude, woojin,” you mocked, kicking him lightly as you passed him.

after that, whenever you wore anything tight that shaped your legs, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you, and luckily he was sneaky enough that you never noticed.

sundays were one of your favorite days to spend with woojin because it was a day to relax and go grocery shopping.

it took forever to finish shopping though because you two would argue about which foods were necessary.

“hot cheetos are so bad for you!” woojin scolded while putting the bag back on the shelf.

“if i wanna melt my insides with spicy cheesy goodness, then let me!” you whined.

“no, it’s gross, and you should be eating healthier! we’re not in high school anymore.”

“ugh, you never let me get what i want.”

he pinched a huge chunk of your cheek playfully. “you’re such a baby.”

“if i can’t eat my chips, you need to stop eating fried chicken so much.”

“those are not on the same level of unhealthiness ok, i eat white meat.”

“it’s still not good for you. you should eat like, baked or grilled chicken.”

“i would rather die.”

in the midst of your argument, while woojin was inspecting the nutrition facts of some cereal, you saw a shy but clearly interested passer by who eyed your roommate.

you nudged woojin harshly.

“ow, what was that for!?”

“i think someone’s checking you out. look in the next aisle.”

so obviously and not discreetly at all, like an idiot, woojin swung his head to face them and almost immediately, they tried to hide their blushing face behind a box of pasta.

“what are you waiting for, go talk to them!” you whispered.

woojin shook his head and went back to the cereal box. “nah, i’m ok.”

“are you out of your mind, they’re clearly interested in you, for whatever reason! and they’re not bad looking, either! this is so rare for you!”

“you’re such a dick.”

that’s how it always went whenever you two were out.

whether it was groceries, or getting coffee, or grabbing a bite to eat, or even studying in the library, there was always someone who was checking woojin out and every time you told him about it he would shut you down and not talk about it for the rest of the night.

which was crazy, wasn’t it!? like, who wouldn’t want to take all of these opportunities!?

you wished you had even one interested person look at you the way these people looked at woojin.

“why are you so lame?” you teased him while eating lunch one day.

“what do you mean?”

“like why don’t you ever go for it? you know, shoot your shot? you’ve had so many missed opportunities.”

“i’m just not interested in them, that’s all,” he shrugged.

“god, it’s like high school all over again. you had so many people lined up hoping you’d ask them on a date or to prom and you never did! you asked me to go with you instead, for whatever reason.”

“you said you were worried no one would ask you.”

“i mean yeah, but you didn’t have to ask me out of pity.”

“you know i’d never do that. we had so much fun that night, remember?”

“maybe you did, not so much me - i spent a good chunk of the night throwing up at the after party. you didn’t have to stay with me the whole night, you know. i felt so bad, like i took that night away from you.”

he shook his head. “it was so funny seeing you like that. besides, i didn’t want to leave you alone. i learned a lot about you that night, like how fireball doesn’t agree with your body and you have lacy red underwear.”

“oh my god, you saw that!?”

“yeah, and you’re lucky i made sure i was the only one.”

“d’aw woojin, you like me ~!” you teased. “see, you’d make such a good boyfriend for someone."

“maybe some other time.”

“well, i hope you do soon. i wish i had half the people interested in me like that.”

woojin stayed silent and clenched his jaw.

of course you had people interested in you.

whenever you were out, woojin always saw someone eyeing you in not-so innocent ways.

that’s when he would stand a little closer to you or block their view from you.

you never knew about them because unlike you, who told woojin nearly every time you saw someone interested in him, he never told you.

none of them were ever worth your time.

until he finds someone worthwhile for you, he’ll let you know about them. but for now, he’d stay silent.

which sounded selfish, but he was just protecting you, right?

“no dude, that’s totally selfish,” chan said while they hung out at his place. “why won��t you play wingman? they do that for you all the time!”

“all the guys are douche bags who probably put their soundcloud link on their social media bio.”

“hey, i do that.”

“yeah, and how many times have you asked me to set you up with them?”

“ok, i would stop asking if you’d just admit that you liked them since high school.”

“... not since high school...”

“so you do like them, right?” chan teased, nudging woojin playfully causing him to drop the gaming control.

“ah hey, i just died!”

“don’t change the subject!”

“i’m going home.”

“tell _____ to call me sometime ~”

“shut up.”

the walk home was long and frustrating.

maybe chan was talking some sense for once - was he really being selfish with you?

all your comments about wishing you went on dates or all the nights you spent staying up watching romantic dramas - you’ve been like this ever since he met you.

but you and woojin pretty much did the same things!

always going out to eat, making each other laugh, you even live together, for god’s sake.

the only thing that was missing was, well... the whole kissing part.

you were just chilling on the couch watching tv when woojin came home from hanging out with the guys.

“hey,” you greeted.

when you didn’t hear a response, you looked over to the door and saw woojin looking upset with his brows furrowed and jaw clenched.

“you ok?”

woojin softened his expression, unaware of how tense he was being. “yeah, sorry. i just lost to chan a bunch of times.”

“aw, poor you. wanna pick what we watch tonight?”

“you know me so well.”

he gladly joined you on the couch put on something you both would enjoy - trashy reality television.

tonight was one of those nights where both of you were too tired to talk or make conversation, so you’d stay up for hours watching whatever was on.

you were the first to fall asleep. woojin was so used to the weight of your head on his shoulder that he barely noticed it by the time he fell asleep.

the both of you must have been exhausted that night because neither of you woke up until the following morning.

you were the first to wake up, positioned perfectly under woojin’s arm and your head on his chest with your arms wrapped around him like he was your body pillow.

never had you guys fallen asleep in this position before, but for some reason, it didn’t feel weird.

it felt so right.

it was something you could only dream about.

until he woke up, you’d just pretend to sleep and lay there just a little while longer.

but he thought the same thing - he didn’t want to leave the couch at all, even if it was a bit cramped.

holding you was just too good to be true.

then it was almost noon, and both of you figured it was time to get up.

“hey,” woojin whispered, playing with your hair. “are you awake?”

“no ~” you replied, snuggling closer.

“c’mon, we gotta get up and be adults, or something.”

“but it’s sunday ~”

“why, do you like it when i hold you like this?” he teased, tightening his grip around you.

“mhm.”

“i like it, too. but guess what? sunday means we have to go grocery shopping today.”

“oh yeah, i totally forgot!”

“maybe... i could cook you something tonight.”

“wow, and i didn’t even have to ask?”

“i guess i really like you.”

“then i’ll take you up on that offer. in exchange, i’ll bake some cookies.”

“i like the sound of that. it’s a date...?”

you lifted your head up gave a blushing woojin a kiss on the cheek.

“i’d love to go on a date with my best friend.”

[bxebxee]

hey guys, you can blame @daeguk @94hixtape and @joondaily for this! can you believe I have a categorical need to insert too much context for simple things? Occam’s razor? Don’t know her! (also, this whole thing is a cliché but I love clichés)

x

x

x

You’re not exactly sober at 2:30AM when you text your boyfriend to come pick you up from frat party #278. Actually, the text probably reads something like “cone oickme op0” but thankfully, Jungkook knows how to interpret your drunk typos at this ungodly hour of the night. There’s nothing after that text, and he’s grateful that you at least left him with the address before you went out tonight.

He’s greeted with the smell of beer and vomit when he steps into the house. It’s enough to send his stomach churning from Memories of Bad Decisions 2016. Maybe a year ago he’d be into this, but he’s (finally) had his Junior Year Awakening even if you’re not there yet. It’s okay though because he could be patient for you. After all, you had been more than patient waiting for him.

“Thought you weren’t coming!” Mingyu is red-faced and heavy when he collides into Jungkook’s shoulder in a half-hug.

“I’m here to pick up my girlfriend. Know where she is?” Jungkook asks, holding his breath for dear life. Mingyu tries hard to remember because he really wants to help out his bestest buddy in the whole wide world, but he’s beyond drunk, and Jungkook doesn’t want to make his friend think too much in this state. “It’s okay buddy,” he murmurs, patting his unfairly-tall friend. “I’ll find her.”

He navigates his way upstairs towards the second floor, gingerly knocking and opening doors in an attempt to find you, and walks into no less than three, separate instances of frat party hookups. Jungkook’s too tired and preoccupied with you to find any of it interesting. Luckily, he finds you relatively quickly as you exit a bathroom looking a lot less drunk than he expects.

“You came,” you smile, eyes a little gone, but still walking in a straight line. You give him a hug, loving the way he smells normal and safe.

“Of course I did,” he mumbles into your hair.

“Jennie’s getting boned by that guy from her biology class, so I didn’t have a backup ride,” you explain with a cringe, “And I didn’t bring money…” You feel small and irresponsible admitting that to Jungkook, but you’ve learned to be upfront with your shortcomings instead of hiding them in the hopes he wouldn’t think less of you.

Jungkook only kisses your forehead, eyes softening as he takes in your embarrassed state. “You can always call me. You know I’ll be there for you.”

“Can we go to your place? Mom thinks I’m at Jennie’s.”

“You’re 0 for 3 tonight, you know that?” he laughs, taking your hand and leading you out of the hell house. Although he lives with a few other roommates, they’re a lot more understanding of you sleeping over than your mother could ever be of you coming home in this state.

Jungkook, Mister Boyfriend of the Year himself, helps you into his car, taking care not to let your head bump on anything made out of metal or fiberglass, and buckles your seatbelt for you.

“You’re so attractive,” you smile, hearts practically pouring out of your eyes.

“I know,” he hums, shooting you a quick smile before shutting the door and getting into the driver’s seat.

“I’m serious,” you continue as he starts the ignition, completely in love with the way he plays Knight in White T-Shirt. “You’re so hot, and I’d give anything to blow you right now.”

Jungkook wets his lips and puts the car into drive. “Go to sleep,” he tells you, “I’ll carry you out when we get there.”

“Don’t wanna,” you smirk because you’re wide awake, and you’re not that drunk. You spot a new, unopened bottle of water in his cupholder. It’s cold too. Your heart sings as you unscrew the cap to take a sip because he totally put that there for you. And you decide right then and there that Jungkook is so getting laid tonight – or at the very least, sucked.

It’s a short drive back to the place he shares with a few of his friends, and Jungkook is the lucky one with a room all to himself – very convenient for when you want to fuck. You can’t keep your hands off him as he unlocks the door, pressing your entire front into his arm with a flirtatious giggle.

Jungkook shushes you before entering. “They’re sleeping,” he warns you. You roll your eyes and make a motion with your hands like your zipping your lips and throwing away the key. To your credit, you manage control yourself from using your Outdoor Voice until he’s shut the door of his room behind him. Then all bets are off because you’ve wanted to give him the biggest Thank-You blowjob since he picked you up at the frat house.

“You are drunk,” he moans quietly into your mouth when you pull him in roughly for a kiss, not caring too much that you taste like the bitter aftertaste of vodka and fruit juice. It’s a nice taste on you.

You don’t respond immediately, preferring to enjoy the feeling of his arms holding you and the sturdy, muscular planes of his chest. Sometimes it really paid to have a boyfriend as into physical fitness as Jeon Jungkook, even if he did nag at you to eat healthier. You kiss him for a few, blessed seconds more until he pulls away.

“Wash your face, and go to sleep,” Jungkook says, patting you on the head as if you’re some kid. “The cleanser you got me is really good.”

“I don’t wanna sleep, I wanna suck on your cock,” you reply per your usual bluntness. “I’m not that drunk. Most of it’s fading anyway.” That’s partially true because you’re nowhere near shit-faced, but the buzz is still very strong.

Jungkook looks at the clock and it’s just past 3AM. He’s already fucked.

“I wish you’d feel like giving me a blowjob at a more reasonable hour,” he sighs, kissing your neck in begrudging thanks. “Twenty four whole hours in a day and you choose 3AM.”

Your eyes flutter when he drags his teeth on you. “Does that mean it’s a no?” Jungkook’s hand reaches around to grope your ass.

“It’s a yes,” he answers, “But next time…”

You smile brightly - a real, honest-to-goodness, five thousand megawatt smile that has his heart palpitating. Jungkook just has to kiss you then. You run your fingers through his scalp as his mouth slanted over yours works magic. If he kept this up, you’d probably want to fuck instead of just settling for a quick blowjob, so you lead him in flirtatious steps backwards to his bed, playing come-chase-my-lips-if-you-want-it.

Jungkook is sporting a semi by the time you get him to sit on the bed as you peel off his sweats. You adore feeling him warm up your hands, and you tell him just that as you rub your face on his crotch. His thighs twitch underneath your hands as he fidgets.

“You know how much I love doing this, right?” you ask him, mouth running over the cloth covering his penis.

“Then fucking do it already,” he groans, face flushing at the way you look kneeling down in front of him. You watch too much porn for his own health and safety sometimes. He swallows down the wrong pipe when you drool over his briefs, causing a wet spot to appear.

You take pity on Jungkook because it’s already super late, or super early depending on who you asked, and he has a 9AM class. A small stab of guilt touches your heart because you’re not oblivious to everything that happens around you. I’m a bad girlfriend, you acknowledge, Mea fucking culpa. You’d give him a really good suck to make up for it.

Jungkook shivers when you slide off his briefs. Your mouth envelops him almost immediately, and coaxes him into full hardness. You get him worked up too easily, but neither of you are mad about it right now. It’s not long before Jungkook lets a hand get tangled in your hair while you bob your head up and down while quiet sounds of saliva and your swallows fill his ear.

You’re already soaked by the time Jungkook is fully hard in your mouth. If it were a “more reasonable hour” you probably would have just pushed him down and rode him until both of you were satisfied. Still, this isn’t a bad deal when Jungkook looks handsome and perfect while he stares at you in awe. It’s a little pleasing to the ego to have him look so starstruck every time you take him in your mouth.

“Ngh,” he catches a moan that would’ve been too loud. “Oh fuck,” he whispers instead.

Your mouth feels a little tired so you lift off him in squelch, flexing your jaw surreptitiously as you continue jerking him with your hands. Jungkook notices immediately.

“You don’t have to c-continue,” he gasps, “I can finish it off. You must be tired.” As if your heart couldn’t love him more he just had to go saying things like that.

“No,” you say firmly, “Sucking you off makes me happy. It calms me down and helps me sleep. It’s like my personal, penis pacifier.”

Hearing you say that makes Jungkook cringe, but apparently his dick is 1000% into that because he’s harder than ever. He’s torn between laughing or screaming in horror, but heaven help him he’s not limp at all.

“Fuck you,” he groans, hands tightening around your hair as you suck on him once more. “You say the weirdest crap…” It’s not the first time either. You regularly say things that make him pause for a good minute to laugh while fucking.

You make a slight gagging sound with wicked intentions, knowing it how much it gets him off. And like clockwork he hisses, throwing his head back in pleasure. You want to focus on bobbing your head up and down, but the motions actually make you a little nauseous.

“I’m sorry,” you sigh, taking your mouth off him to lean your head on his thigh. “Just give me a sec?”

“Take all the time you need, baby,” he wheezes because your hand is still wrapped around his dick.

You breathe slowly trying to get that seasick, woozy feeling out of your system. His thigh made a great pillow.

That’s really the last thing you remember when you pass out.

[adampage]

Face the Facts | Sami Zayn

Pairing: Sami Zayn x Reader

I’m going to type the anon’s request at the bottom of the story because it gives away too much and I just want you guys to read it.

Word Count: 3,690 I GOT CARRIED AWAY BUT FOR GOOD REASON OK

Author’s Note: I’m taking requests!!!!  THIS REQUEST IS WAS SO CUTE AND SO HEAVENLY AND JUST. JUST READ IT. PLEASE. Please leave comments I love y’all <3 (And for the love of god i need to make a legit tag list so please send me an ask if you’d like to be in it, even if i already tag you bc i just tag whoever comes to mind at this point)

Tagging: @llowkeys / @unabashedwwesmut / @hardcorewwetrash / @roman-reigns-princess / @the-geekgoddes / @xxmaddhatter39xx / @reigns420 / @xstylesxclashx / @crowleysqueenofhell / @wrasslin-x / @wrestlewriting / @sjwrites22 / @wwefluffandstuff / @wrestlingbabe / @helluvawriter / @helluvaclash / @squirrel666 / 

It had started out very innocently. One evening, she sat at a table in the catering room, nibbling on her dinner. There was no one around, which was just the way she liked it. She held the book upright, just shy of her plate, as her other hand fed her forkfuls of spaghetti. It was a particularly harrowing situation, given that [Y/N] disliked getting food stains in her books, but it was a hazard of her addiction. Fact books were her life.

So as she cursed herself for splattering just a teensy bit of tomato sauce on page sixty five, All About Mosquitos, dabbing failingly at the spot, who should catch her in her own personal bubble of embarrassment but Sami Zayn? "Hey, [Y/N], mind if I sit?" She nodded in response, motioning to the chair in front of her with her fork, wincing when another stain hit the page. She gave the spot one last swipe before replacing the bookmark and swatting the book shut, settling it down on the chair to her right. His animated ginger brows expressed a flicker of mild amusement before his body settled in his seat. He was having the chicken salad. Of course he is, she thought. That would've been the better choice, given her own circumstances. Also, it was healthier. "What were you reading just now?" He asked amicably, the crunch of his salad hitting her ears as he took a bite. "Oh, um, that? Just a book." "I can see that," he said, smiling, "but about what?" "Uh..." [Y/N] mumbled. It wasn't something she liked to talk about. The few times she ever mentioned her fascination for the useless, guys and gals everywhere were immediately turned off. She could hear their voices change, the intonation in their mhm's differing slightly, monosyllables becoming more frequent replies. Their eyes would glaze over, no longer entertained by the conversation. And she never recognized it, until one day an old boyfriend broke up with her, his excuse being, "you just never shut up about that dumb, useless shit." So she never spoke of it aloud to anyone ever again. "It's nothing. Just dumb stuff." She could feel her body drawing back into itself, and she wondered just how much more of her spaghetti she would have to eat in front of him before she could make the excuse that she was full and leave. Sami gave her a wide smile. "Well, whatever it is, I bet it's interesting. When you're done with it, you mind if I borrow it? Most of the others don't really bring books along with them on the road, and I've been craving some new reading material." He took another bite of his salad. "You know, there was a study recently that said people who read are two and a half times less likely to get Alzheimer's?" It was like [Y/N] snapped back into reality after aeons of living inside her own mind. "W-what did you say?" "Yeah," Sami continued, "they said that even though reading doesn't outright prevent you from getting the disease, they proved that reading and Alzheimer's had a kind of correlation. Pretty useless, in the end," he chuckled. "But interesting to know all the same. I'm not going to take my chances." Suddenly, [Y/N]'s mouth went dry. The anticipation was killing her. "Do you know any other useless information? Anything else, ya know," she gestured with her hands, "interesting?" Chewing on his leaves, Sami thought long and hard. After about a minute, he remembered something. "Julius Caesar was kidnapped by pirates when he was in his twenties and held for ransom. When he heard the price, he told the pirates that it was an insult to his value and demanded they raise it. Once the ransom was paid and he was free, he tracked them down and executed them." [Y/N] giggled in response, hand reaching to cover her mouth. "Oh my God. That's amazing." "I wouldn't say amazing so much as arrogant, though," he argued gently. "No, I know," she replied, "but it's amazing that you know that." And that was it. The start of a budding friendship. He looked at her for what seemed like a year, biting his lip in contemplation. "Do you want to hang out later? Grab a smoothie or something, after the show?" [Y/N] flashed him a brilliantly beautiful smile. "I'd love to."

Weeks passed, and [Y/N] and Sami became the best of friends. She still kept her book and her useless facts to herself, but she knew that if it ever came up again, she wouldn't be afraid to tell him about it. Something about the way they'd spoken that day in catering gave off this vibe, this instinct to trust him. For the most part, they talked about movies, shows, work, politics. She was glad to find out that they had similar lines of thinking with pretty much anything, and they remained pretty much inseparable. It must've been the politeness, the kindness with which he spoke to her, that sealed that deal. She had a gentle, quiet nature that seemed to mirror his own. They were two sides of the same coin, as it were. One night, after a particularly grueling match with Natalya, in which Natalya actually spat in her face to the reception of boo's from the crowd, [Y/N] was feeling exceptionally down. She knew it was coming. She had told Natalya to give it her all. And it was only a storyline. It really shouldn't have affected her as much as it had. As much as it did. Sami had been right behind the curtain throughout the whole ordeal. He handed [Y/N] a towel to wipe off her face. "Really put the spit in spit-take, huh?" She wiped herself off with the towel, and threw it back to him. "No one laughed." "Good. That means they love you as much as I do." Sami slung the towel around his neck, and an arm around her slumped shoulders. "Guess you can sleep easy tonight knowing the entire WWE universe is probably writing hate tweets to Nattie as we speak." She looked up at him as they walked towards the locker rooms, placed a hand on his scruff and scratched it adoringly, before giving him a light slap on the cheek. "That's not nice, Sami. I wish they'd send me love tweets instead of sending her hate tweets." "Now that is a very noble and sweet thing to say. But, the heel makes the face, so..." "Did you just quote Glow at me?" "Who? What? Me? That wasn't Glow, that was..." He snapped his fingers, the bullshit answer coming to him. "...Vince McMahon." "Sami Zayn, you dumb, lovable idiot." "I'll take that as a compliment."

She couldn't sleep. That nightmare couldn't have taken more than a couple minutes for her brain to concoct and perform, and yet it had kept her awake for hours. It was Nattie's face, and yet it wasn't her face at all. It was warped, like the mirrors in a funhouse. Actually, now that she thought about it, the nightmare might have been about Nattie chasing her through a never ending hallway of funhouse mirrors, but it was hard to tell at this point. It had freaked her out. She had woken up in a cold sweat, and now she couldn't fall back asleep. She checked the time. 1:27 am. Fuck me, she thought, biting her thumbnail. Everything in the hotel was probably locked up or closed by now. The gym, the pool, the bar where she might've been able to drink herself to sleep. She didn't want to do it, but...at this point, she had no choice. Grabbing her phone off the nightstand, swallowing down every thought she had to deny herself this small ease of her soul, she opened up her chat with Sami. It took her a solid, oh, fifteen minutes to decide on her factual opener. Did you know mosquitos are most attracted to the color blue? It was about another minute or two before she saw the tell-tale chat bubble appear on the screen, signaling that Sami was typing a response. I didn't, actually. Remind me never to wear blue when we visit the south in the summer.

She let out a sigh of relief. He wasn't going to ask, then. Why she was still up. Her respect for him grew with every passing moment. I will. Also, don't wear black in the summer. Or anything dark, for that matter. Dark colors absorb all colors of light rays, as well as heat. You sure know a lot about colors, don't you? She bit her lip, holding back a smile. Eh, well, you know. I dabble. Dabbling is good, haha. I enjoy dabbling, now and then. I am quite the dabbler. Really? Oh, yeah. I've dabbled in marine biology. For example, did you know that a whale's penis is, ahem, scientifically called a dork? The only dork here is you. No way that's its scientific name. Also, leave it to the man to start talking about penis in a little light hearted, dabbling conversation. Ouch, that hurts. You got me, I'm not sure if it's scientific. Did you know that a male giraffe's penis is approximately four feet in length? That's about the size of an emperor penguin, or about the average height of a seven year old child. Oh my god. Now who's talking about penises? (Penisi?) I hope Finn and his stuffed animal giraffes stay far away from me for the next few weeks. I won't be able to stop thinking about what you've just told me. I feel so emasculated. [Y/N] burst out laughing. She was glad she didn't have a roommate this week, or else they totally would've cussed her out by now. All that tossing and turning, and now she was giggling uncontrollably at her phone screen. Emasculated? Come on. I'm serious. I will never, in my life, have a penis that large. That's upsetting. It truly is. The common shrew's penis is only a fifth of an inch long, on average, but relative to its body size, they're well endowed. So don't feel too bad. I am absolutely in awe at how much more you know about penises than me. My hope is that you don't know any of this from experience. Christ, Sami, NO. Omg, ew. I have definitely NOT dabbled in bestiality, thank you very much. Hahahaha, okay. Just making sure. ...So is that all you got? 😉 [Y/N] stared at the bright screen. She'd already woken him up, and it was nearing two thirty in the morning already. They'd probably be awake in the next three hours, since the gym opened up at 5:30. At this point, sleep wasn't much of an issue. She looked up at the ceiling, then back at the clock. 2:25. ....Boy, I'm just getting started.

So you're telling me that a superstitious pope is to blame for the Black Death? Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you. So if this pope had just, left these cats alone, and not told people that they were the devil's brood, that the Black Death probably wouldn't have happened, because cats kill rats. The rats, of course, being the cause of the plague. Absolutely. And that he is the reason people, to this day, are so put off by cats. Which is stupid. Cats are amazing. I'm totally in agreement. Gucci is a fine example. Gucci is probably the best example, imho. She's the paragon of all feline kind, if you ask her. Oh, speaking of cats. Did you know that cats were highly revered in Egypt I had heard about that, yeah. Yeah, pharaohs would be buried with their pets, mainly cats and dogs, along with their families and concubines. The cats were supposed to help guide their spirits to the afterlife. Is that why people say that cats can see ghosts? Sometimes Gucci yowls at the wall. OMG, are you serious? 😂 Yes. I'm totally serious. You might need to have her checked out, tbqh. Absolutely not. My Gucci is perfect. Okay, then.... So I've got a useless fact for you. In the nineteenth century, there was a construction foreman named Phineas Gage who, after some miscommunication or malfunction with explosives, got a metal rod shot through his brain, and lived. He fucking LIVED? Yeah, he lived. For another twelve years. That's just...that's insane. Twelve years? Christ. Yeah, crazy isn't it? Extraordinary. Now, I'm going back to animals because animals are fun. By all means. Did you know that bloodhounds are the only animals whose evidence is admissible in court? Really? Must be why Sherlock Holmes had one. Yeah. Apparently their noses have forty times the amount of receptors that human noses do, so it's easy for them to connect blood at the scene of a murder with the suspect who may have committed the act. Commit murder, stay away from dogs. Duly noted. Sami. Sami, no. I'm kidding, lol. Do I look like the type of guy who could kill someone? [Y/N] dropped her phone on her lap, incredulous. She sat there, head leaning against the headboard for a good long while. Could she imagine him killing someone? The answer was only too obvious. Sami, you wrestle for a living. The only reason you haven't killed someone yet is because you and the other person know what they're doing, and it's professional. Imagine yourself fighting someone who has no training whatsoever; you get mad one night and fists start flying. To me, you don’t look like you could hurt anyone. But you could hurt someone if you wanted to.

Why would I be fighting them, though? I feel like if I killed someone, it would have to be a very good reason. Not that I'm saying murder is justifiable. But. You know. The conversation had taken quite a turn. It was morbid at best, revealing at worst. She typed a response. Let's say they hurt me. Badly. On purpose. Would you kill someone for that? His response was static. It was like she'd accidentally pressed "scan" on the radio and nothing came up but noise. She was glad of it, though. It meant he was taking his time to think about it. If he said yes too quickly, it meant he really, honestly, couldn't give a fuck about human life, which she knew was untrue. If he said no too quickly, it meant he really could give a fuck about her. It was a selfish, loaded question. But she had typed it out anyway. I'd probably beat them to near death, if I could get away with it. Make sure they never hurt you again, or at least that they got the picture. An exhale of breath. Phew. Best answer, in her mind. Why is that so....sweet? Lol. I do consider myself sweet, so I'm glad to hear you say that. She dropped her phone on her chest with a smile. It was getting brighter, all of a sudden. Only then did she realize that soft light was glowing through the window shades. She checked the clock on the nightstand. 5:59. Sami, it's six o'clock in the morning. The gym's been open for a half hour! I know, [Y/N]. She stared at his answer. Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't you say so? I was having too much fun texting you. There they were. The butterflies that came to assault her tummy once every thousand exchanges. Sure, they toed the line of flirtation more times than she could count in a day. But sometimes, she could tell there was something different about the way he said certain things. That's all fine and great but we gotta go! Let's go, Sami, get ready. Gym time! 🤗 All right, [Y/N]. Give me ten minutes, I'll be knocking at your door.  

Teal sports bra, black yoga shorts, teal Adidas on her feet. Hair in a high ponytail. She looked at herself in the mirror. Maybe some eyeliner? Nah, just mascara. She rubbed her hands together, shifted weight between her left leg and her right. "Ooh," she shivered. The AC was way too low. Might have been half the reason she couldn't sleep. She grabbed a towel out of her gym bag, and a water bottle out of the mini fridge. A knock. Her mouth widened into a smile as she turned to open the door. She opened it to find a just showered Sami Zayn, ginger curls at the top of his head dripping lightly with moisture. He looked up to meet her eyes, and her heart nearly stopped at the sight. Those lovely dark eyes could melt the most cold hearted bitch. He stood there for a moment, didn't say a word. She wondered what he was thinking. Then, "Good morning, [Y/N]." "Good morning, Sami. How'd you sleep?" She shut the door behind her, and they made their way towards the elevator. "Not well. Some girl kept me awake last night. Kept spewing a bunch of weird facts at me." "Really?" She grinned. "Why didn't you tell her to stop?" A button pressed. The ding of an elevator, doors swinging open. He placed an arm to hold the doors, motioning as if to say, "ladies first." She pressed the button for the second floor, above the lobby, where the gym was. "Well, I don't know. She was really opening my mind about a lot of things. I learned a lot. She's really intelligent." "Nah. I wouldn't say spewing useless information is a result of intelligence. Anyone can remember a couple bullshit facts." He poked her in the tummy. "Well, I think it's endearing." He shifted on his feet, leaning against the back wall of the elevator. "Did you know that most people who die in elevators are elevator technicians? Statistically, it's the safest form of travel." Sami chuckled silently to himself. "Unless you have an elevator technician degree I don't know about, I guess we're fine, then, huh?" The elevator jolted suddenly, scaring them both. She grabbed his hand instinctually, dropping it once the elevator continued its descent to the second floor. He looked at her, and they both laughed awkwardly. "Why were you awake all night?" Sami asked her, finally. "Um." It was getting cold, and she could feel herself beginning to shiver. "You can tell me. You know you can." It was hard to dismiss those puppy dog eyes of his. They bore into her soul, begging her to spill her secrets. "I had a, a nightmare." It sounded like a question. She placed her water bottle on the floor of the elevator, the condensation of the beverage freezing her fingers. "I couldn't go back to sleep, but. I didn't want to say anything." "You could've told me." "I know, it's just," she crossed her arms against her, trying to draw heat from her own body that wasn't there. "I didn't want to worry you." "Hey, [Y/N]." His voice was a mere whisper, hardly audible if they hadn't been standing in an elevator, two feet apart. Sami closed the distance between them. "Yeah?" She whispered back. He cupped her chin, lightly pressing at her jaw. Their eyes met, and the butterflies and her stomach began their fluttering song. His eyes ran over her, studying every line of her face. When they paused a bit too long at her lips, the doors swung open, the sharp "ding" of the elevator indicating they had finally made it to the second floor. [Y/N] looked away from him, towards the open doors, but as she made to move, Sami shifted his body, stopping her for just a moment before he pushed a button. The doors dinged closed, and she looked back at him, confused. "There's something I need to tell you, and I don't think I should tell you in the middle of the gym, where our friends can see us. In fact, we've been lucky so far that no one's stopped this elevator." He scanned her again, the look on his face full of love and adoration. "What is it, Sami? What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" He chuckled. "There's nothing wrong. Everything's absolutely perfect." He paused. Then he continued. "Fact. I'm in love with my best friend and I think she's in love with me, too." What? "You heard me. Fact. I'm in love with my best friend. And I think," he paused again, looking straight through to the dark recesses of her soul, "she's in love with me, too." This was un-freaking-believable. Her mind was spinning. It was like the whole world had been turned upside down. But why? Why was this so difficult to understand? Just moments ago her heart was fluttering. Moments ago, she was wishing this was true and now it was and it was the one fact in the world she couldn't believe. "Believe it, baby. That's one fact that'll never change. I'm in love with you." And then his mouth was on hers like it was meant to be there all along. His body leaned in, begging to be touched. Her fingers ran under his shirt, grazing the ginger hairs of his tummy and his chest, feeling the goosebumps rising from his skin. His tongue flicked over her lips, and she opened them, every one of her vulnerabilities drifting away as he kissed her more passionately with every fleeting second, his tongue searching for hers in longing, and she met him briefly, before pushing him back just an inch to catch her breath. Her eyes looked away, shifting everywhere but to his own. Their breaths slowed and deepened, each passing moment bathing her in serenity. At last, her eyes locked onto his. "Fact. I'm in love with you, too. Now and always." He granted her a smile that would not go away, a smile that felt like starlight and sunshine, all at once. And the butterflies never stopped fluttering.

"If you don't have too many requests, would you be able to do a Sami Zayn one where the reader stays up all night texting texting Sami facts he'll never need to know or use in life. When he asks her why she stayed up all night, she says it's because she had a nightmare but she was too afraid to tell him about it. If you want to do this, thanks!" - anon

[empty-dream]

Me Watching Fate/Apocrypha Ep 6

OOOO battle of camlann as opening, nice

Have I told you I miss Mordred?

“YO ARTHUR BACK OFF U AIN’T TYPE MOON NUMBER 1 CASH COW ANYMORE” 100% what Mordred just says

Mordred: Look Dad I kill them all bc of you think I suck. Artoria: Well but U still suck.

But anyway, damn Artoria that was really cold.

I can feel the pure rage in Mordred’s voice, applause to Miyuki Sawashiro!

Last time somebody thrusted a similarly giant lance into their enemy, it was also into a red fan favorite king/servant. So really Artoria, u ain’t that different to Gilgamesh.

Did I just come up with a Gil x Artoria material oh my god I’m a genius desperate shipper

The Knights of Round Tables more like Mean Girls: Camelot Version

MOVE EVERYBODY BEST BOY BEDIVERE IS HERE FOR 3 SECONDS ALL HAIL THE SHINING AIRGETLAM!

I have feelings for Bedivere since ever and I don’t care if u don’t understand

Loli Mordred is cute

Ooo Morgan le Fay appears. I am actually curious how does she actually look like? Is she saberface too? She looks like bitch saber even without face

The king is too perfect. The keyword is ‘too’ Mordred. Too much of something is not good.

I believe that Mordred is still convinced that Artoria is a man because the differences Artoria and Morgan have are very...ahem...apparent.

Oh so that’s why she thinks Morgan and Semiramis are similar. Similar aura....similar magic aptitude...similar very long hair... similar boobs...

Mordred: *looks damn cute* Artoria: Meh. Mordred: *looks damn murderous*

If Mordred is summoned as Berserker I bet she’d be just Lancelot 2.0

Kairi be like “Can’t you just show me a nice adventure moment instead of bloody family drama?”

Who has the idea of animating Mordred playing with cat U are a genius.

Waver be like “Don’t forget the II I’m not some asshole nobleman who belittles everybody for not having noble blood like him”

Who has the idea of animating Mordred playing with cat U are a genius A-1 give him raise.

One episode I think A-1 purposely skips out Celenike kidnapping a homunculus butler to her room, they proceed to shove his bloody mangled corpse to my face. Great..

If Mordred has pure unadulterated rage towards Artoria then I have pure unadulterated disgust towards Celenike

If you don’t have a slightest bit of disgust towards Celenike I don’t know what’s wrong with you man

Seriously where did they afford that cool chess set? I want one

What Vlad says: Hmm. What Vlad means: I want to judge your ruthless decision to sacrifice Gordes now that he’s useless but I think that’s a good idea too

Gordes: wasted.

Roche: “I wanna make Sensei’s dreams come true!” Me: “Great, another master with selfless decent wish!” Roche: “Then I can learn more about golems!” Me: “Cool learning spirit kid!” Roche: “That’s why for it to happen, magi and servants and the whole world if needed can just die for all I care!” Me: “Um.”

Seriously kids these days

HOLY SHIT I LOSE MY SHIT CAULES’S ROOM IS LITERALLY AN OTAKU ROOM

HE HAS A MAGICAL GIRL POSTER FOR GOD’S SAKE

CAULES I FUCKING LOVE YOU

I really wanna take you seriously with this dangerous and noble intention you speaking of but not with that Magical Medical Musical poster

A-1 better animate him using his magic next episode

Fran: For an otaku with mediocre talent at magecraft u are a very good master huh

Fran for Earth Hour Ambassador

LOOK AT HER FACE SHE SO PROUD in the novel she thinks Caules will praise her for unplugging the PC AND THAT’S PRECIOUS

Mordred’s role in this episode is just being angry, eating and playing with cat

I still love that they decide to have Mordred, the one who rebels against King Arthur and destroys Britannia, as a fundamentally decent and human person.

YOROKOBE SHONEN MORDRED

Kairi: “Let’s walk around town with your armor on.” Mordred: “I just got the best dad ever”

Oh my God that dress is so cute Jack I wish they just let you wear that dress into battle instead of that shitty stripper costume

Oh hi Semiramis but where is your Hanging Garden of Babylon I wanna see it too!

Semiramis: “What do u think Master?” Shirou: “Totally splendid.” Semiramis: “Great, we can use this for our honeymoon.” Shirou: “What?”

If I was the guard, I’d be like “Cool cosplay dudes! Can I take a photo with u guys?”

Exhibit 102 of Kairi and Mordred being best master-servant pair

Also Exhibit 102 of Kairi being a way better dad than Artoria ever was to Mordred

Wow seeing Jack being nuts and creepy kid is very different than just imagining it huh that giggle holy shit

Would you believe me if a) Chiron was just trying to kill Jack and succeeded in doing that or b) He and Fiore was just not there, a lot of tragedies could be avoided.

Fiore jumping down the building with style and grace

I lost track on keeping with Kairi-Mordred best team exhibits

Fiore and Chiron is Rin-Archer equivalent but healthier and more honest to each other.

I mean they are both competent, have a knack on jumping from high buildings, the master is sorta elegant lady, the archer has secret superb technique that doesn’t have anything to do with archery, the archer serves tea, and so on and so forth

I did a presentation about pankration back when I was in middle school this is so cool

The novel spends pages describing how powerful Mordred is and how she can beat anyone with ease but also have her always very barely comes out a winner or even alive from her fights and she gets super pissed and it’s hilarious

If a girl comes out from dark alley with that scary octopus machine hands I’d make the same face as Kairi too

Fiore switches talking sweetly to talking with stern voice in 1 second

Wow that’s a convenient machinery I want one.

Kairi where is your manner you can’t just ram a girl with a car full speed

I wonder how does Kairi deal with shooting human fingers and throwing heart grenades in his entire life like dude I wanna puke.

Kairi: Adios, babe.

GODDAMNIT WHY YOU CUT IT RIGHT THERE YOU SLY WEASEL!!!

So I take it A-1 isn’t shy of showing blood? Like, actually not shy? Not just some whim?

I love watching Mordred and Jack here in their supposed real characterization I got tired of the dirty naughty fanarts.

NEXT: Caules babe come please

[noxrynne]

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

[chocolate-brownies]

By the time I was 37 years old, I woke up in pain and I went to bed in pain every day. At that time I was very heavy (I weighed about 360 lbs), but I don’t just mean physical pain. On the inside, emotionally, I was miserable. I hadn’t developed a health-full relationship with myself—body or mind—and the days passed in a blur of hurt. In fact, I’d be hard-pressed to admit which was more painful: My lower back and my knees; or the slow-dripping feeling that I might be watching my life pass before my eyes in the fast lane.

Most of us have, at some point, taken an inventory of life and wondered, “Is this all there is for me?” We contemplate our physical limitations or the dull reality that there are things we haven’t experienced; we ruminate over boxes we haven’t checked off. Fear like this doesn’t come pre-packaged in a dress size: It can hit us at any time, any age, and at any weight.

And yet, if you would have asked a random person off the street what was “wrong” with me then, they would probably have remarked that I was fat and needed to go on a diet. In fact, that tends to be the first thing people say to ANY person who appears to be heavier than “normal” that expresses unhappiness. Go on a diet. Lose weight. It will make everything better… Right? Wrong.

The Truth About Diets

Over 90 percent of American women have been on a diet before. I have been one of them—many times. But each endeavor left me with one glaring truth: My diet didn’t “fix” anything. It was never a magical wand that made my problems disappear. We also know that diets fail because such a large portion of people who engage in traditional diet (including myself) gain weight back.

Somewhere along the line I realized it wasn’t about losing weight. It wasn’t about dieting. It was about addressing the fact that both my body and my emotional wellbeing were starting to crumble. It wasn’t the “counting macros” that helped me create real change in my life, but instead, for me, it took seeing how deeply entangled emotional trauma was in the daily dysfunction of my life. The act of removing dating apps from my phone and not engaging in reactive casual sex was the first step toward making the positive shift in my life.

Somewhere along the line, “diet culture” and the “wellness industry” became synonymous. But they’re two totally different things.

That’s to say: Addressing (and closing off) the self-initiated vacuum of relationship nothingness is what led me to realize just how heavily I relied on coping mechanisms like sex and shopping and, oh yes, food, to anesthetize the pain of living with years and years of repressed anger. It wasn’t counting calories. It hasn’t been the use of My Fitness Pal (which I happen to love) that has kept me returning to the long-term commitment to serving my body inside and out, even after life’s normal (but sometimes painful) twists and turns.

The realization of my coping mechanism, nurtured by intense spiritual growth and proactive emotional work, has allowed me to get to grow to where I am today. This is a whole lot deeper than anything a “diet” could unearth. Diets don’t teach people how to feel whole. They teach people how to (usually temporarily) lower numbers on a scale. But the wholeness part? That’s where Wellness should come in.

Should being the operative word.

Photo of Sarah’s Body Love Workshop. Photo by Nichole Alex

What Wellness Is (and What It Isn’t)

Wellness should be a place where people come to heal and learn how to live a greater life, however that looks for them. It should be about offering people tools to cultivate wholeness in all the different pillars of life—emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, financially, occupationally, and more.

It’s taken a long time, but the medical community has finally started to explore the reasons why diets don’t traditionally work. Additionally, we finally have some people in the general public starting to speak about but the general public starting to speak out about the toxicity of “diet culture” and its inability to facilitate the healing that real-life transformation from the inside-out requires.

Sadly, it is the wellness community that appears to be the most tone deaf. The very people who purport to encourage holistic health are some of the biggest perpetrators of disordered living. I’m looking at you, Wellness Brand / Influencer / Festival. I’m talking to you Cleanse Tea and Yoga Brand That Only Makes Pants Up To A Size 10. I’m talking to you Wellness-Related Studio That Doesn’t Have a Single Class for Marginalized Bodies.

The (not-so) secret elephant in the wellness community is that the culture places more value and emphasis on things that many of us refer to as “diet culture” and less on offering people holistic tools to heal and create change from the inside out. I challenge you to read a wellness magazine, go to an event or class, or follow a “wellness influencer” on social media and NOT come into contact with the following words, phrases, or ideas:

Detoxes and cleanses

Summer/winter body

The idea of “clean” and “unclean” eating

“Bad” food

Weight loss competitions and diet-bets

Eating plans that restrict foods

Exercising to “earn” your food

“Junk” food

It’s nearly impossible. All these ideas rooted in diet culture, and more, have become part of our wellness lexicon; tools in the pursuit of achieving the perfected, personified idea of what health is supposed to be.Somewhere along the line, “diet culture” and the “wellness industry” became synonymous. But they’re two totally different things, and until we acknowledge this, we’re never going to be able to make the real changes in our communities, or ourselves.

Before you put the brakes on, let’s find a common ground—intentional weight loss is not the enemy. But most people having a conversation about weight loss aren’t actually having a discussion about weight loss—they are talking about the ideas and practices that are associated with diet culture. And when diet culture (and its multi-billion dollar industry) trumps the journey to actual well-being and amalgamates itself with the wellness industry (another multi-billion dollar industry) we’ve got some thinking to do.

Sarah’s Easy Guide to Diet Culture vs Wellness

Diet Culture     

Your “diet” has a start, middle, and an end.

“Before you started your diet, you were broken. Now, you are awesome. Yeah!”

Values “thinness” and worships this as the desired “end goal.”

Equates “thinness” to “health success.”

Promotes weight loss as a status symbol and demonizes those who do not value weight loss.

Uses words that attach value to food. ie: Good, bad, clean, dirty.

Perpetuates “food shame” if you don’t “eat correctly” or “cheat.”

Phrases you’ll commonly hear: “I feel fat.” // “I’m having a cheat day.”

Oppress those who are unable to (or don’t wish to) obtain) or display, an idealized version of “health” which can be harmful to transgender persons, persons of size, people of color, persons with disabilities, persons of limited economic means, persons living with chronic diseases, and more.

Holistic Wellness

Views growth as a long-term process with ebbs and flows. There is no “end” in the journey, only transitions between chapters.

Accepts that none of us are ever a “finished” product. Also establishes that body size or weight does not equate to worth or human value.

Understands that all bodies are designed differently and that to pursue wellness means we must take account multiple pillars of wholeness—mental, physical, emotional, spiritual etc.

Understands that “thinness” at the cost of mental health is not truly being healthful.

Understands that “health” is relative for all people; Instead, all persons can aim to find a state of wholeness as applies to them.

If you want to lose weight, do it. If you don’t, do that too. Weight loss can play a role in holistic wellness when pursued alongside mental health.

Uses neutral words to describe food, ie: Processed, non-processed, nutrition-dense, and organic.

Food is food. It all gets pooped out in the end. Some is healthier; some is less so. If you eat less healthy stuff, you’re still a good person. The end.

Ready to begin your body love journey? Join Sarah for LIFELOVE, the greatest self-love party ever created! Over the course of a weekend, you’ll connect to self, find community with others, and learn tools to create change all within a supportive and loving environment surrounded by body-inclusive attendees who, just like you, are ready to experience MORE in life. This is not some stuffy workshop. It’s a hands-on, inclusive, and interactive experience designed to help you look your fear in the eye and unleash self-love. You’ll feel accepted and safe. And if you’re a fan of random dance breaks and group karaoke? Even better. LIFELOVE includes Kundalini yoga, meditation, inspirational speakers and small group discussions; it’s the one place that bodies of EVERY size can come together and rise up to create change in life. For tickets and more, click here. 

—

Sarah Sapora loves meditation and cowboy boots, and lives guided by the idea that every day we wake up (at any age or weight) is a chance to transform our life from a place of self-love. She’s a Kundalini yoga teacher who believes that strength training and deep soul-work are equally important in creating a happier and healthier life from the inside out. Sarah’s biggest passion is making holistic wellness accessible to bodies of size. She is a speaker, writer, social influencer, creator of LIFELOVE, a totally size-inclusive personal growth event, and of LifeLove, an app launching in 2019. Sarah uses her voice to cultivate a community of self-love and self-improvement free of diet culture. You can find Sarah online on Instagram or on her website, www.sarahsapora.com.

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The post Wellness has a Dieting Problem. Let’s Do Something About It appeared first on Wanderlust.

[ecotone99]

[SF] The 3 Shlicks

(Warning: Swearing, suggestive themes/languages)

Inspired by Rick & Morty

SETTING: Inside a spaceship

Skinblob: (in his bunker, sadly scrolling through all the bulk men on the socials)

Nether: (stretches, walking in) "Welp, I jizzed in the robot's tits and ready for bed!" (pounces in his bunk)

Cerine: (dispenses a napkin and wipes the cum from her chest)

Skinblob: "H-hey Cerine...I was wondering...well...do you think I'm good looking-?"

Cerine: (sharp, robotic responce) "No." (programmed smile)

Skinblob: "OH! OH...well… I was...I...c-can I get like...a hug, a hug from you"

Cerine: "No, you flappy foreskin."

Skinblob: "Oh…" (lays sadly, back to his phone)

Nether: "What else are we gonna do to pass time around here, huh? Be sad and look at others people's lives?"

Skinblob: (slowly puts his phone under the pillow)

Nether: "We're stuck in this pod for like...what, Cerine?"

Cerine: "28 days and 17 hours-."

Nether: "28 goddamn days!! Until we reach that pathetic dry ads9 planet full of life called Earth!" (licks his paw, studies the taste, realizes he hasn't washed it)

Oh yeah, I wipe with this hand. Anyways, while being quarantined in this ship deck, we're going to have to manage our boring, introverted asses into self-entertainment, self-improvement, and self-pleasuuure~.

(takes a sip of his soda)

Unlike being like Mr. Sad shit over there, being bummed by others who peaked."

Skinblob: 😭 "I-I have low self-esteem!!"

Nether: "Not as low as that face on your bald head, heyooo!!!"

Skinblob: "S-Shut up!!!"

Cerine: "My system detects the final minutes of fully-baked hot pockets."

Nether: (pounces out of bed) "Thank goodness, I'm starving. Hey Skinhead, you gonna eat or wha'? (throws empty can at him)

Skinhead: "Ow!! I'm coming already!"

-

SETTING: Main kitchen deck

Skinblob: "Please stop talking bad about me, I have anxiety!"

Nether: "If your anxiety was that bad, you wouldn't be caring about what others look like." (pops another soda)

Skinblob: "You don't understand, look at me!" (stretches his arms and skin to superhuman lengths)

Nether: 😑 "Yeah, you're a walking flesh blob alright."

Skinblob: (whiney, grown voice, flayering his arms around) "I don't want to be all stretchy and saggy! I want to be buff and ripped!! I-I'm like an old man's ballsack with no balls!"

Nether: "Look on the bright side, you can smack bitches from a mile away with your elastic abilities. And you shouldn't care really, I mean look at me, I'm not buff, there's more meat in you than me."

Cerine: (passes out the hot pockets on plates) "I appreciate Skinblob's appearance, no matter how pathetic he ages throughout time as a sack of shit."

Nether: (burps) "That's right, but hey if you really care, you can take this sweet time in and work on yourself. Build yourself with exercise and working out, and all that human male testosterone bullshit." (eats hot pocket)

Skinblob: (enlightened) "Wow, you're right, I could totally do that now!! You're a genius" (dashes to the yoga room pod with food)

Nether: "Fuck yeah I am."

Cerine: "I though I was the genius around here."

Nether: "You too, but I like getting hyped up, majority of the time, ya know, really keeps me going." (consumes drink)

Cerine: "It was also very hypocritical of you to talk about his self-esteem; yours isn't as strong as you think it is."

Nether: "I know, but hell, who else is he going to listen to, a walking toaster?"

Cerine: "Whatever, are we going to watch that movie or what?"

Nether: "I was hoping to smash your tits again, but sure whatever." (burps)

-

Skinblob: (practicing different stretches and excersices) "C'mon, I can d-do this!"

Nether: (sitting in the living room deck, watching TV with Cerine) "I never got to know your past either, where the fuck did you came from?"

Cerine: "I have no past, just birthed from recycled plastic power."

Nether: "Deep, you're the lucky one, you don't have any traumatic experiences that hold you back or makes you do stupid and regrettable shit."

Cerine: "You kidding? I just wished I had memories...something to think about when I'm just to myself. I wish I can daydream, all I can ever do is focus on the present and future...it's monotonous."

Nether: "Cerine, don't be a stupid bot. If you had to live on a planet where all you had to be was an alpha beast defending it's shithead king and it's kingdom, facing years of trial and gut-wrenching training, and living a constant dog-eat-dog world or else your nothing, you wish you could erase it from your damn cranium to the fucking trash bin like you can!

I never want to go back to that Hell planet ever again, I'd burn it to the ground if I had a choice."

Cerine: "You don't have to give up to let go "

Nether: "Huh?"

Cerine: "I said, you don't have to give up to let go."

Nether: "...the fuck does that mean? It's that some type of ancient proverb you generated just now?"

Cerine: "It means, you don't have to give up everything to let go of what's holding you. You don't have to hate your entire past just because there were a handful of bad experiences.

Common intelligent life forms have bad traits of letting go of everything in a spiral rather than accept their flawed atmosphere and individuality, you cannot control an imperfect world to expect results of a perfect life overall.

You must accept faith in order to understand your destiny.

Once you accept the imperfections of life, you can understand yourself more and receive realistic expectations from the world around you. Be honest with yourself, you don't hate your planet that much, do you?"

Nether: (folds himself) "Yeah, I do."

Cerine: "Well, even if you do, you still had great memories there, right?"

Nether: "I don't remember."

Cerine: "Well, just because you don't remember doesn't mean you know if it was good or not. And even if it wasn't good nor bad, neutrality is better than bad, right?"

Nether: "I guess, I don't fucking know."

Cerine: "A neutral, boring life is statistically better and healthier than one full of suffering and endless mourning. Most likely when we get to Earth, our lives will be more like that since we have no common enemies or laws that overwhelm us. We will finally have individual and spiritual peace, that's what you want, right?"

Nether: (curls head into shoulder, holds back tears) "I just want to see my mom…I want to see mommy."

Cerine: "Your mother is waiting for us on Earth, be strong for her." (smiles)

-

14 days left

Nether: (walks in on Skinblob in the yoga room, handstanding)

Skinblob: "Oh, hey Nether!"

Nether: (soda in hand) "Hey shithead. Let me hog the TV, will ya? Cerine must be on one of her robotic periods or something because she's not tolerating any of my shit today." (changes channel)

Skinblob: "Ya know, y-you could show Cerine-chan a little more respect, you know? She does do a lot for us, s-she even was the one who put us on this ship in the first place."

Nether: (changes channel, glued to TV) "Who gives a shit?"

Skinblob: 😠 "I do! And y-you should too!! We wouldn't be here without her, a-and you would have been stuck on that lace planet of yours!"

Nether: (sharply turns to him, defensive) " I WAS JUST JOKING, FUCKFACE!!"

Skinblob: "Huh, funny, y-you have a crude sense of humor, you know that? Funny you go the extra mile for that punchline but can't admit-"

Nether: (growls and fronts him) "WHAT, CAN'T ADMIT WHAT!?!?"

Skinblob: "Can't admit your just as broken as I am!!"

Nether: "I'm nothing like you!!"

Skinblob: "You know what, your right. You were broken like me, but for these past 2 weeks, I've been getting results a-and I've never been happier! Maybe you're just the only one now with low self-esteem!-"

Nether: "HOW DO YOU-!!'

Skinblob: (moves his ears) "My ears can stretch a mile long, bitch."

Nether: (leaps and tackles) "THAT'S IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'M BITING YOU, I'M BITING OFF YOUR FOREHEAD!! YOUR FOREHEAD AND EARS ARE GOING TO BE GONE!!!"

Cerine: (standing at the door, erupted, the loud commotion ruined her TV time)

Nether and Skinblob keep fighting until they notice Cerine behind them.

Both: 😮 "..."

Cerine: (unleashes) "...first off, I've had enough of you!!" (kicks Nether in the corner, goes to him and twist his arms out of place as he squeals, then stomping his throat in)

Secondly, I had enough of you!!"

Skinblob: (backing away) "W-wait, p-please!-"

Cerine: "I had enough of seeing your ugly face!!" (stomps his forehead into skin jelly)

THIS NONSENSE HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR WEEKS! I'm so done with you two's bickering. If we plan on starting together, then you two need to stop acting like a bunch of cucks! BOTH of you are full of cotton shit and eggshells. There, now APOLOGISE!!"

Both: (crippled into submission) "I'm sorry."

Cerine: (walks back into the living room) "If any of you disturb me again I swear I'll throw you into the fucking endless abyss of space!"

-

7 days left

SETTING: SHIP AIRCRAFT TOWER

Nether: "Look man, I just want to apologize for what happened last week. I understand I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but that's all I know majority of times.

Coming from that dog shit planet, all they ever do is teach you how to be an asshole alpha male. "

Skinblob: (sighs) "U-Understanable man. I can be a wad too, at times. I shouldn't eavesdrop on you convo like that, that was wrong of me. M-maybe I still do have some things wrong with me

Nether: (looks at the ocean of stars in the sky) "I just want to take it easy, ya know. I don't want to have to keep fighting for an invisible pillar of achievement & dominance, I'm done with that shit.

I just want to go home and see my mom, I miss her. I bet there's someone waiting for you too, huh?"

Skinblob: "Nope, just here with you guys. Heh, y-you're the only family I have."

Nether: (one-sided hug) "Ah, you got the best family on board! We're the unstoppable trio, skinhead!"

Skinblob: "Heh, y-yeah I guess you're right!"

Nether: "Let's settle a truce right here, we'll never fight again, and if we do, we'll let Cerine kick both of our asses to oblivion!"

Cerine: (pops up behind them, scaring them both out their seats) "I forward with that motion."

-

7 days later

As the ship enters orbit of the green planet, all 3 members pack their luggage and suit into some fresh new clothes. The perspective of a black sky turns sky blue as they dive further into planet Earth.

Earth, the beautiful planet alone being one of the many homes of stable and intelligent life. The luxoruis rainforest to the crystal clear oceans, the bustling breathtaking views of skyscrapers and architectural landscapes accessories as jewelry to Mother Nature.

Millions of beings watched the low-ship pass by, but not in shock, as they were in awe by expecting the first few to many outside lifeforms being the first extraterrestrial crew members.

When they land, they are greeted to the vivid citizens and the president of WT World. Awaiting them are three noble citizenship medal of honors, a contract forming a new law to outside Earthlings, the commission of the CUX World & ARPEGGIO Inc., and the beautiful mother of Nether waiting to see her son.

-

12 years later

Cerine: (In her signature ship yet again, coming across a red cosmic portal in the void of space) "Huh, what's this? My database tells me it's a Ximer portal, very rare to find them on this side of the galaxy."

(she scans the portal causing it to vibrate and pulse violently)

"..."

(The portal glows a bright sonic blue and explodes into space dust, creating a cloud of plasma opening a white, spacial dimension)

"...the fuck did I just do?"

submitted by /u/CamitoHatsune01 [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/3iGXlrS

[chasingeast]

Day 38- Continued CNY- 7:12 A.M., Sunday, January 26, 2020

Happy Chinese New Year!! Another day has come and gone. A new year hopefully filled with prosperity and joy! I can only hope for good things, because we'll Franklin I do believe good things come to those who believe and work for them. So I believe in nothing else! 

We ended up spending the last 2 two days eating hotpot and dimsum. So much food. The variety was excellent! I broke my no deep fried rule, but that dimsum yo. Gained basically all my weight back just from this weekend. -_- Goes to show that I must work harder to lose the weight. 

E, joined us for the fun! We ended up bujo-ing together. I love her for giving me the inspiration, but also feeling a little bit of bitterness because it's become an obsession. I don't know what I would do with these journals aside from simply saving them overtime. Some of them come with some deep memories. Some too deep to open right now. Others, are just different. I want to see how far they'll take me. This online journal holds my true feelings, where as my notebooks are more like my goal trackers, physical reminders of how far I want to bring myself. 

 So a little bit of a freak accident included a splash zone on route 80. So yes I know I probably shouldn't have driven on the left lane during a heavy rain storm. I was just trying to avoid a truck. Low and behold that the other side of traffic splashed this huge gush of water onto our side that we were literally blinded by a wave of water for 2 seconds. It was terrifying. You couldn't see anything. Thankfully nothing bad happened but...oh boy. 

I was crying quite a bit on Friday. Sometimes memories can be too overwhelming. I haven't always spent the time processing or understanding the depth of situations. I am very good at pushing them to a corner and moving forward, but that doesn't solve anything. You cannot push something into a corner and expect it to disappear or to stay there. I was afraid of all of my fears that have always held me back. Thank goodness for S and K and hugs and love, or my new bujo hobbies. I despised for the longest time how I would become cripples because of fear. That I would lose my courage. That I could never truly tell how I felt to the people that needed to hear it. That I was too afraid to act or for the future that I preferred to go backwards instead of moving forwards. I was too afraid to join you on your 21st birthday. I was too afraid to tell you why you shouldn't have left. I was too afraid to let you go. I was too afraid to tell you how I felt when we met. I was too afraid to take us to the next step. I was too afraid of how you would see me if I told you how I felt and what I feared. I let fear control me all this time. It's freeing to start letting go. It's freeing to push that fear aside and though it will always follow me, I feel more empowered to work and fight for what I want. I want to know if I have the courage to face my fears. I want to know if I have the courage to meet you and to bare all to you. I want to know if I have the courage to open up again and to fully trust someone and give them that wholeness. These are things I want to know about myself. 

8:09 P.M.

I wonder where you are. Are you home from work? Do you work early in the morning until closing time? Do you work 5 days a week or 6 or 7? Are you finding time for yourself, friends, and others? Would you feel the same as I do if we ever meet again? 

 I am looking forward to seeing you again one day. I hope that our time will come. I have been working on a number of things on myself that I won’t deny that I’m quite proud of! I started to get my foot into volunteer work. It isn’t all that often at once a week, but it’s a start. I really want to give back and spend some time doing something that is not all about me. I think it’s important to focus on yourself, but I think it’s equally important to spend some time doing something for others, not out of pity, but because we as people focus on ourselves so much, it’s important to take a step back and to look from the outside in. I’ve been focusing on my health to become physically and mentally stronger. I’m going to the gym more frequently and putting in effort. I have a lot of energy with no outlet so it’s my best bet! I’m trying to engage in the activities I’m working on while eating a healthier diet. I realized that a lot of my tiredness came from overeating and eating too many fatty greasy foods. I mean I should have guessed that, but sometimes it takes a little bit of suffering to figure it out I guess! I’ve also been focusing on my mental health. I am concentrating on having a healthier and more positive mindset. I don’t think I’ve ever really been a grouch and have always been very carefree and optimistic. I’m still very much the same as I’ve always been, but with a stronger heart that is more welcoming and open than it’s ever been. I’ve been focusing my attention on how to stay focused and to be in the moment, while focusing on how to plan for a future that I want. I think you’ll be proud of how easily I am able to communicate and how independent I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love company, but I also like my own time as well. 

 Maybe you’ll be happy to know this next part. I haven’t been back to your blog. Well, I can’t flaunt or anything. It’s only been 2 days since, but it’s been a strong and effortful 2 days. I spent some time making wontons for the first time and making a ginger and scallion oil sauce for chicken. I’d love to share these recipes with you one day. Do you still cook? 

 Something I’ve always done but would hate to ever admit to you is that I’ve always written to you like as if we were speaking to each other. I know that others would judge me if they knew. I would get scornful and pitiful looks, but I don’t care about what they think. This is, quite honestly, my safe space. The only space that I feel like I can be completely honest and raw. I don’t need to justify myself to anyone. I also don’t need to hear anyone else’s comments about my decisions. So long as my decisions don’t hurt anyone and were made with only the best intentions, I think I deserve to be able to relish in the moment of them. 

 I’m not expecting any lavish or crazy endeavor. I just am looking to live for me. To be happy with myself. To be brave and courageous for myself. I would gladly share everything I have with someone, but I don’t want to hold myself back any longer because I’m waiting for “someone.” I want to enjoy every moment as it is. I want to live in the moment and live for myself. I want to be in the moment and enjoy it while still planning for a fulfilling and healthy future. I don’t know where I’ll be. I don’t know if we’ll ever get the chance to meet again. Maybe the only time I’ll ever be able to speak to you is in my dreams where I’ve always held my conversations with you or this online blog that you don’t check anymore. Whatever happens. I know that it’ll be okay. As long as we’re both happy and healthy and choosing to live our lives to the fullest. I truly believe that everything will be okay. I will find purpose. You will find purpose, and we will all just be good. 

 I hope I get the chance to tell you this, but in the case I never do, I wanted you to know that I am most thankful for you. I am thankful to you for being there when I was first starting to spread my wings and to find myself as a person. In college I was only just starting out and I didn’t know what might happen. I spent so much of my previous years thoathing everyone, and though they were not exactly all that forthright with me, I didn’t take the bravery to reach out to them either. I created the situation I was in. I realised it when I went to college and I wanted to create a new life for myself. I’m so glad that we met and that you were the one that I became best friends with and shared all my secrets with. I’m thankful that I got to experience courtship and dating by being with someone as amazing as you. I don’t give you all the credit because we definitely had our ups and downs. You had your moments, but I also had mine too. Even the breakup and the drawn out endeavors we had. My longingness for you for years. Did you know that I used to listen to the recording of you singing happy birthday to me endlessly when I missed you? It was also even harder to delete those messages on my phone because I knew there was no turning back. I didn’t mind the effort I put in to chase after you even though you were no longer mine. I’m not angry with you. We were young. I just wish it didn’t take me this many times, this many years, and this many tries to finally admit what I’ve always known. I just want to be with you. You don’t have to be the same person. I just want to be with you for who you are. I want to get to know you all over again. I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to give you all the parts of me that I was holding onto so tightly because I was so paralyzed with fear and chose to hide of feign indifference. You were my first and it does hold a special place in my heart. I do want to get this across to you that you may have been my first, but the emotions and feelings we felt were unlike any other. It was soulmate material. The only opinion I care about is mine and yours. I’ll listen to anyone else out of respect with a grain of salt, but they’re all just noise to me. They don’t live my life or know how I feel, or act the way I do. I have control over myself. I think you’re an amazing human being. You may be tough, but in reality you’re just soft and squishy like a teddy bear. You feel so much more than most people and you have so much to give. Your knowledge, your excitement, everything. It’s so amazing. Someone would have to be ridiculous to not notice. I am by far probably the most perfect example of ridiculous, not because I didn’t notice, but because I wasn’t brave enough. I am braver now. I can’t deny that I’m terrified. I think I will always be afraid, but I’m no longer running away. So though it’s only been 2 days since I’ve checked on you, I have a stronger resolve. I’m still trying to keep a distance because I don’t want my desires to construe my thoughts. I don’t want to cling to you, not because you’re not worth clinging onto, but because things have to be different in order for there to be change. I will, at this time poke at you. You may have tried three times, the first to court me, when you tried to get me back, and when we got back together the second time, but I’ve tried many more times. Sorry, I’m being obnoxious right now and I’m damn proud of it. I lost count of how many times I’ve tried to reach out to you, though most of them were failed attempts. I tried when we were first getting to know each other, when we dated, when we broke up, when you were dating someone else, when we had time pass us by but I still sought you out, when I started dating someone else but was too hesitant to reach out, when I kept checking in on how you were doing years later, when I finally gathered the courage to find you again, when I gathered the courage to show up on your doorstep that rainy day, when I left you but realised I made a mistake, when years later I realised how terrible of a mistake I made but had no idea how to fix it, when I wrote you that letter and the many more times I tried to think of how I could fix this, when I started to date again but realised I just wanted you, when I kept trying by lacked the courage, and here I am now again, just short of 10 years later, still wanting you just as much as I’ve always wanted you. I never looked at anyone the way I looked at you. I just felt so at peace and just as myself and not someone that I felt like I needed to be. I could see the same look in your eyes too. I never thought of someone else the way I think about you. I never made something for someone else since you. I never let myself open up the way you were able to so easily help me feel comfortable around you. I never let anyone else in my heart the way I let you in. I haven’t done certain things with anyone else but you and damned I never want to with anyone else if I can choose to keep it that way. You don’t have to rock the ocean though you can and you do it well. You are just you. I never asked any of these things from you, you just naturally did them. I admit that the second time we got together was too rushed. I wasn’t ready to talk about moving in together, and the fear came back. I wasn’t ready to hear a marriage conversation and I wanted to run. It was too soon. I am thankful I had the courage to at least make the first move to reach out to you, but it was too soon. I wasn’t ready with the courage needed to move that relationship forward. I wasn’t ready yet the way I am now. I’m not ready because I’ve hit a milestone where everyone is getting married and moving on, but rather I’ve finally come to a point in time, in my life, where I want to make the next move. I am able to and I am mentally ready. My heart is ready or more ready than when I was younger and still trying to figure out who I was. I wish I didn’t have to miss so much of your growth. I wish you didn’t have to miss mine either, and for the times we’ve lost, maybe we can create new memories together if you’re willing. My heart has always been so filled with you. My thoughts. My dreams where no one else can enter. Perhaps I’m living in a fantasy, but I would gladly give it all up just to have a chance to start over with you. A fair chance that the both of us could have. It won’t be easy, it may not be very pretty, all the time, but it would be ours. Our long, deep story of two people who were meant to be together and fought to reach each other no matter the battle. I hope that one day comes. Until then, I have a lot of things that I’m working on. I hope that you will be able to reap the benefits of my efforts and that maybe one day, someday we can meet again because we were destined to.

[itslikethatfrenchthing]

7 OF THE BEST DAILY HABITS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

  One of my most important daily habits? Starting off with a quote. This is my current favourite...

“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” - Oprah Winfrey

Attitude is so important when it comes to going after the life you want. And if you want to lead with a positive attitude then you need to take control of your day. That’s where daily habits come in.

In this post, I’m going to share the 7 daily habits that I believe will do just that and help you change your life for the better.

What Is A Habit?

If you’re new around here you may not know my obsession with all things habits and change. Well let me tell you - it’s significant.

First let’s remind ourselves of the definition of a habit.

Habits are tasks that we practice throughout the day which allow us to start routines and keep us from having to make too many decisions. And the less decision-making we put ourselves through, the easier it is for us to take on the bigger moments that need a little bit more brain power.

When you have a lot of good personal habits and limit the bad, you are building that infrastructure for an amazing life. That’s why I’m so obsessed with this topic.

I know I have found the best habits that help me have the right attitude every single day. They have taken me from someone aimlessly wandering through a boring existence, and have turned me into a high-performing and ambitious designer of my own life.

That’s why I want to share them with you today.

Daily Habit #1 | A Self-Care Ritual

I talk about this a lot over on Instagram. This not only helps you start your day with your best foot forward, but it also improves your mindset.

There’s a post on the blog here in which I’ve talked about my morning routine in more detail, but it includes a number of different daily habits including:

Getting a workout in

Having a good breakfast and drinking water

Gratitude journal and daily affirmations

Personal development through reading a book

This routine is mostly the same each day (which is what makes it a routine). But it also changes every once in a while; sometimes I’ll read a couple of pages, sometimes I’ll read for a bit longer.

But those things that are there no matter what make me feel really good, because it makes you realise that you started the day on your own terms.

This is why in the Free 4-Day Mini Training Series I’m hosting this week, there’s a whole day dedicated to habits, activities and routines. Find out more info and join the free series here.

There used to a time when I’d wake up, roll over in bed and either hit snooze or engage with my phone next to my bed which is a TERRIBLE idea. 

Snoozing is bad, we all know that. But looking at your phone to decide how you feel about your day based on what other people have tweeted? No thank you.

My self-care morning ritual is one of my essential daily habits that is my holy grail and it’s the best tip I could ever give you.

Daily Habit #2 | Move Your Body & Track It

We’re not going to call this exercise, we’re going to call it MOVING your body. But tracking it is also important. When I exercise, I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something by doing it, not just the good feeling of exercise.

I want to know how many calories I’ve burnt, I want to log it in in my app and mark it as a habit that I’ve done.

That way if I get asked, “do you work out 3-5 days a week?” I can say, YES I do. 

There is a lot to be said about tracking your exercise and it’s the same for dieting too. Start logging what you eat and it’ll open your eyes about how much you eat every single day.

But the key is to move your body and track it at least 3-5 days a week. When it comes to weekly habits, that has changed my life. 

Daily Habit #3 | Time-Restricted Eating

Let me start off by saying that I don’t do this currently and I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone. But it does work for the right mindset and is becoming a lot more popular.

Time-restricted eating is only eating during an 8-hour period of the day at least 5 days a week. It’s basically a form of intermittent fasting. So you fast for 16 hours, five days a week.

This helps you to understand how much you’re eating throughout the day by having a very focused period of time that you do this.

The point of all this is that when your body is in a “fasting state” (not eating for a period of time), your body starts to use your fat stores, instead of waiting for you to take them in and then storing them. So while you’re eating they’re being stored and while you’re not eating, they’re being burnt.

I know lots of people who have used this method and they said it has changed the way they think about food, they look at snacking differently and they feel better every single day.

Daily Habit #4 | Reading

When it comes to daily habits to improve your life, reading is one of the best ones. 

I love that I am in a stage of my life that means I love to read. Especially because science is proving that readers are rocking it.

Not only are they successful and going after the life they want, but they also have a longer life.

This habit is amazing.

If you admire someone, want to learn from someone or if you just want to talk to someone - read their book! Yes it’s not the same, but you get to know people on a very deep level.

And if you are a content creator, you should never sit down with someone you want to interview or someone you want to collaborate with, without reading their book.

This is a pro networking tip too. You can really break ground with someone if you do your research.

Reading is one of those positive habits that has changed my life in a lot of ways, especially from a mindset standpoint. We’re not always right, we don’t always have the answers - and other people do. 

Daily Habit #5 | Reach Out To 5 People 

This habit is one that I have to remember to do and it can be hard sometimes because I’m introverted and I like to sit in my office to do my work. But if you’re looking for daily habits of successful people, you can bet they’re networking every single day.

This allows me to be a high-performing, connected person, while also working from home. I am at home a lot, I talk to my dog for most of the day so as you can imagine, I need to connect with humans.

My husband is one of those people first thing in the morning and when he comes home. But there are lots of people we meet in life and if we don’t follow up on those relationships and nurture them, it’s very easy to lose track of them.

I try and reach out to around 10 people every single day, usually on Instagram. You might want to send a “just because” text to 5 of your friends.

Doing this has changed my life because it keeps me connected to other people and it helps me find new opportunities. Here are a few conversation starters:

I was just thinking about you

I have something you might like to see

What are you struggling with and where do you need the most help with that

The key is to customise it. Doing that every single day will make you the most connected introvert who works from home that there could ever be.

Daily Habit #6 | Evening Task Review

This won’t come as a shock to you if you’ve been around here for a while. Reviewing my tasks on my calendar every night is one of those simple daily habits that has the biggest impact.

I have to look at my calendar because I schedule EVERYTHING there (click here for a full tutorial). Looking at my calendar gives me a good way of knowing what I need to be prepared for. 

This has also allowed me to be a lot more efficient with my time. Knowing what you’re going to do and when you’re going to do it makes you hyper-aware of the time you actually have in your day, and that’s what I do every single night.

It makes me go into the next day prepared without having to do as much preparation as you would think. It’s more overwhelming going into something that you haven’t given a lot of thought to, if your schedule is getting busier by the day. 

You just have to know what’s coming, when you have to do it, and how much time you have to do it so that you can be much more effective. 

That is one of those daily habits that has completely changed my life. I know for a fact that I have been able to do more over longer periods of time because I am focused on the short period of time. 

Daily Habit #7 | Evicting Devices From The Bedroom

If you bring your phone into your room after a certain time, it’s a slippery slope. Don’t even bring your phone into your bedroom when you know it’s time to shut things down. 

Tuck it in, plug it in, put it away. And when the alarm goes off, that’s what makes you get out of bed because you have to walk into the room your phone is in and you turn it off. 

At the weekend it’s different because it’s the weekend. But even on those nights I’m so habitual about looking at my phone so that I can get a good sleep, that I don’t look at it. 

Sleeping with your phone in another room, limiting any lights or devices in your room and having that self-awareness is so valuable.

It helps you be healthier in your mind, you don’t know what people are doing all the time and that helps you get a lot more done. 

So if you are saying you want to take your phone to bed with you, you’re basically saying you want to take the whole world to bed with you. All their ideas, all their problems, all their opinions and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have enough room for that.

Those are my 7 daily habits to change your life and since we started with a quote, let’s finish with one.

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.” - Audre Lorde 

Now I want to hear from you - what is something you wish you could change in your life? Leave that in the comments below.

And just another reminder that if you love the idea of simplifying routines, building habits and being self-aware, I’m running a Free 4-Day Mini Series next week called How to Simplify Your Social Media Strategy and Sign More Clients in 4 Days. It’s going to teach you how to simplify your social media marketing strategy so you can attract your idea client, sell your product online and increase your income and impact. Be sure to join the series here so you don’t miss it!

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[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

45 Healthier Gluten Free Desserts for Valentine's Day

New blog post! Regardless of whether you're single or in a long-term relationship, a Valentine's Day lover or hater, our Valentine's Days all have one thing in common: lots of delicious food! To help make your February even tastier than usual, though, I thought I'd round up some of my favorite gluten free dessert recipes. The best part? All of these Valentine desserts have been given a healthy twist, whether it's by making them paleo, low carb or vegan, sneaking in some hidden veggies or including less sugar than your typical dessert. BUT they all taste just as delicious!

So whether you're looking for the best gluten free dessert recipes, healthier dessert ideas or just a delicious way to celebrate Valentine's Day this year, keep reading to discover 45 delicious gluten free dessert recipes!

1. Chocolate Raspberry Truffles (Keto) - Keen for Keto

These chocolate truffles look almost too good to eat. But if someone has to do it...I'll sure volunteer!

2. Avocado Chocolate Pudding (Vegan, Raw) - Imagelicious 

Out of all the gluten free vegan recipes out there, this avocado chocolate pudding is a definitely must-make. Who can turn down a creamy, dreamy chocolate dessert?!?

3. Healthier Blackberry Apple Hazelnut Crisp - Pass Me Some Tasty

A traditional gluten free apple crisp just got a berry delicious makeover.

4. Super Clumpy Summer Squash Granola (Vegan, Sugar Free, Oil Free) - Casey the College Celiac

Combine this gluten free granola with your choice of vegan ice cream, banana ice cream or dairy-full treat, and you'll have one delicious creamy and crunchy combo!

(As with all of the recipes in this round up, you should make sure you use gluten free, non-cross-contaminated nuts and seeds if you have celiac disease. Scroll to the bottom of this post for info on my favorite places to buy gluten free seeds/nuts!)

5. Apple Donut - Courtney's Sweets

Grab some gluten free frosting and apple slices will never taste so good.

6. Beet Nut Butter Cups (Vegan) - Veggie Desserts

There's no beet-ter way to get in some veggies than with these chocolate treats! Plus, this easy gluten free dessert only requires four ingredients to make.

7. Banana Mug Cake (Grain Free, Dairy Free, Vegan and Whole 30 Options) - One Clever Chef

If you've ever wished you could eat some banana bread or cake in two minutes or less...here's your dream come true.

8. Healthy Peanut Butter Balls (Keto, Low Carb) - Joy Filled Eats 

All you need is four ingredients to whip up a keto dessert that any peanut butter lover will fall head over heels for...

9. Chocolate Pecan Love Bites (Vegan) - E. A. Stewart Spicy RD Nutrition

These gluten free cookies have a secret healthy ingredient. Hint: it starts with "chick" and ends with "peas"...

10. Brownie Batter Hummus (Vegan) - Pink Fortitude

Who knew hummus could make such a delicious dessert?!?

11. Easy Paleo Strawberry Cream Pie (No Bake) - Oh The Things We'll Make

Nothing says "Valentine's Day" like a pink paleo dessert that only takes 20 minutes to make...

12. Red Velvet Brownies (Vegan) - Veg Annie 

Beets, squash and black beans make these brownies as nutritious as they are delicious!

13. Superfood Berry Banana Bites (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac

Frozen fruit has never tasted so good!

14. 4-Ingredient (No Butter!) Chocolate Fudge with Coconut - Two Healthy Kitchens

If you're looking for easy gluten free desserts, this simple fudge fits the bill! You can make it ahead of time and mold it into whatever shapes fit your fancy.

15. Vanilla Cupcakes with Perfectly Pink Beet-Dyed Coconut Cream Frosting (Vegan) - Just Beet It

I really don't know what to say besides YUM.

16. Chocolate Banana Bars - This Ole Mom 

Make sure you use certified gluten free oats to whip up these gluten free dessert bars. I still can't believe this dessert features beans!

17. Triple Chocolate Mousse Shooters (Paleo, Refined Sugar Free) - Raia's Recipes

Creamy avocado mousse + fluffy coconut whipped cream + a crumbly almond flour crust = major YUM.

18. Easy No-Bake Chocolate Fig Bars (4-Ingredients, Vegan, Grain-Free) - Clean Eating Kitchen

Gluten free vegan recipes can sometimes require complicated ingredients or a lot of time in the kitchen...but this dessert recipe is the exception! Throw together some gluten free figs, pumpkin seeds, chocolate chips and coconut oil, and prepare to enjoy a Valentine's Day dessert you'll definitely remember.

19. Chocolate Superfood Smoothie Bowl (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac 

This vegan smoothie recipe is nutritious enough to be eaten for breakfast but tastes decadent enough to eat as dessert. The best of both worlds!

20. Sweet Potato Brownies (Vegan) - Rhian's Recipes

Sweet potatoes are the secret ingredient to these super fudgy gluten free brownies...

21. Easy Chocolate Fat Bombs with Coconut Oil (Keto, Paleo, Low Carb) - Wholesome Yum

Am I the only one drooling?!? I doubt it! A low carb dessert has never looked so decadent.

22. Strawberry Cupcakes - The Soccer Mom Blog

I love that these gluten free cupcakes feature some fresh strawberry puree in their batter and icing!

23. Keto Low Carb Cheesecake - Noshtastic

This is one keto dessert that anyone would enjoy digging into...

24. Chocolate Cauliflower Ice Lollies (Vegan) - Recipes From a Pantry

Can you believe these vegan popsicles have cauliflower in them?!? Mind. Blown.

25. Superfood Chocolate Banana Brownies (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac 

These brownies are soft like banana bread, packed with chocolate flavor and loaded with hidden superfoods. What more could you want?!?

26.  Raspberry Dusted Brownie Truffles (Vegan) - Spabettie

I have some gluten free cashews in my pantry that are begging to be made into this chocolate vegan dessert!

27. Homemade Jello Snacks - Food Meanderings 

Cut these homemade jello snacks into a heart, and no one will ever guess they're loaded with fruits and veggies!

28. Red Velvet Cupcakes - Good for You Gluten Free 

You can't go wrong with a classic...especially since these gluten free cupcakes are dyed naturally with beets.

29. Vegan Chocolate Pudding - Deliciously Plated

I love how the tart raspberry sauce complements the thick, rich vegan chocolate pudding! And if you're scared of diving into avocado pudding right away, this dessert features banana as well for extra sweetness.

30. The Best Low Carb Carrot Cake (Grain Free, No Sugar Added) - Dr. Davinah's Eats 

I've never been a huge carrot cake person, but I bet this could convert me!

31. 2-Ingredient Protein Candy (Vegan) - Nest and Glow

To get a dose of protein with your sweet fix, whip up this super easy 2-ingredient protein candy! I've had chocolate covered chickpeas before and they are waaaaay more delicious than they sound, so I definitely need to give this recipe a try.

31. Sweet n' Salty Banana Ice Cream (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac 

If you want an easy gluten free dessert, look no further than banana ice cream! You only need a few ingredients and it's super easy to make in a high-speed blender or food processor.

32. Delicata Squash Coconut Flour Brownies (Paleo) - Fearless Dining

Who knew that squash and chocolate were soul mates?!?

33. Chocolate Avocado Cupcakes (Vegan, No Added Oil) - Healthy Slow Cooking

Is there anything avocado can't do?!? I don't think so...

34. Low Carb Salted Raspberry Chocolate Bark (Keto) - Appetite for Energy 

Frozen raspberries are icing sprinkles on top of this homemade keto chocolate dessert.

35. Strawberry Chunky Monkey Dessert Quesadilla (Vegan Option) - Casey the College Celiac

Quesadillas just got a sweet and delicious upgrade!

36. Red Velvet Cheesecake Cupcakes (Low Carb) - Low Carb Yum

This low carb cream cheese dessert is perfect for Valentine's Day...or any day of the year, really!

37. Sweet Millet Balls with Sweet Berry Sauce (Vegan) - My Pure Plants 

Millet is high in fiber, protein, magnesium, copper and manganese...and it makes for a delicious, light dessert in the form of sweet millet balls.

38. Flourless Chocolate Cake (Dairy Free) - Cathy's Gluten Free 

Everyone loves a classic flourless chocolate cake...but this one's a lil' healthier by using coconut oil.

39. Easy Baked Cinnamon Apples (Vegan) - Delightful Adventures

Sometimes dessert can be as simple (and scrumptious) as baked apples!

40. Healthy Blueberry Banana Mug Cake (Vegan) - Vibrant Guide

Who needs blueberry banana oatmeal when you can grind up those gluten free oats and make a vegan mug cake instead?

41. Mini Almond Flour Chocolate Cake - Snappy Gourmet

Excuse me as I lick my computer screen...

42. Chewy Pumpkin Popcorn Balls (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac 

Depending on the popcorn you use, this gluten free dessert is refined sugar free. Plus, you sneak in some veggies with the pumpkin!

43. Quinoa and Lavender Healthy Chocolate Bark - Turning the Clock Back

Homemade chocolate bark gets some added protein from quinoa and a pop of color and unique flavor from edible lavender. 

44. Chickpea Flour Cookies (Vegan) - Our Wasabi Life

Gluten free cookies just got a deliciously healthy makeover with chickpea flour. 

45. Paleo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake (Vegan) - Give It a Whirl Girl

Who says you can't have cheesecake while eating a vegan diet?!? 

Where to Find Gluten Free Nuts/Seeds for Your Baking Adventures

As you've probably noticed, a lot of these gluten free recipes feature nuts and seeds. Make sure yours are gluten free and non-cross-contaminated. (Same with any oats you use!) Some of my favorite brands to buy gluten free nuts and seeds from are Nuts.com and Anthony's Goods (I usually order the latter on Amazon). I'm also an ambassador for Foods Alive, which offer a variety of delicious seeds and nuts, from hemp seeds to walnuts. Some of my favorites are their organic sunflower seeds and organic pumpkin seeds.  

The Bottom Line of Eating Gluten Free This Valentine's Day

When you're first diagnosed with celiac disease or need to start a gluten free diet, it can feel overwhelming to prepare gluten free foods for holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. As this round up shows, though, you don't have to eat gluten in order to enjoy a delicious dessert this Valentine's Day! In fact, you can even eat your cake and some hidden veggies with a lot of these gluten free dessert ideas. So whatever your dietary needs this holiday - from general gluten free to low carb to keto to refined sugar free - I hope you show yourself some extra edible love this Valentine's Day. Which recipe from this round up would you like to try first? Tell me in the comments! via Blogger http://bit.ly/2td3xju

[motivation-deficient]

A little introduction to me and this blog.

I’m Lynsay. I’m 25 and live in Scotland.

I’ve tried a few times before to blog my way to a healthier lifestyle but it’s always ended with me running out of energy for it and deleting everything. My “fitness false starts” if you will. I’ve struggled with motivation for pretty much everything all my life but with aspects of my health, like eating well and exercising, I’ve been particularly neglectful.

For a while in my late teens I was very dedicated to Kuk Sool Won, a korean martial art, which was the first time I’d ever enjoyed exercising. I’d started building muscle and stamina and was shedding a lot of the weight I’d piled on in my teens. But then, my circumstances changed and I plunged into a pretty severe spiral of mental illness that spanned several years. I’ve come through it okay (mostly) but my fitness went to shit. I’d lost all motivation I’d had before and although I tried taking up martial arts and joining a gym I could never stick at it for more than a month or so.

“Fuck it,” I thought. “It’s because of my mental illness. It’s not my fault. I can’t do anything about it.” I was resigning myself to being fat forever. Which would be fine but I was not comfortable in my own skin. My shape upset me and every time I sneaked up a dress size I hated myself a little more. Along with this I’d been having some physical health issues too. Ones I didn’t want to go to the doctor about because I knew I was going to be told to lose weight. Excess hair growth was the start, sporadic periods, painful sex and wild, erratic emotions around my occasional time of the month. I was hiding from the confrontation. Pretending like it wasn’t impacting my life.

Then in April of this year (2017) I had the single most horrific period I’ve had in my life. The cramping reduced me to tears and I was bleeding so much that I felt faint and weak, ruining several pairs of pyjamas to add insult to injury. I was nearly, <i>nearly</i> scared enough then to go to the doctor but I convinced myself it was a one time thing. That it wouldn’t happen again. But in the summer it did, so I cut sugary drinks out of my life, started cycling to work and finally made an appointment with my doctor.

It took them a little while to confirm it but pretty much immediately they told me it was most likely Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and that the bet thing I could do was start making healthy changes and lose some weight. That was a few months ago now and I’m still (more or less) on track. I started out at 114kg and I’m down to 101kg now. I cycle to work, I track my calorie intake, I drink more water and I think it’s working. I’m 5'4" so to get to an ideal BMI I need to get to around 66kg. That’s a lot of weight loss and I honestly don’t know how realistic a goal that is so right now I’m just going to keep on trucking and see how it goes but ultimately I won’t be upset if I don’t make it to that particular weight. My first big target was getting under 100kg and I’m almost there but, with the cold weather setting in and the festive period upon us, I’ve plateau’d a bit.

Which is what brought me here. As of today I’m adding some home workouts to my weekly routine and blogging my progress to try and maintain motivation. I don’t have an exact number for my goal, I just want to be healthier than I am. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to stop hiding from my problems. So yeah, wish me luck.

Adding this post to my about me too since it covers most of everything.