#i will not let this consume me. even tho ive let it consume me for several days. im fighting!

[pumaskulls]

having the everything happen to you at once is not fun, can confirm

[blackmoldmp3]

ouugh the winter.

[4giorno]

omg the screenshots in this dream place are basically accurate 😭💖

[poindorkster]

I've always tried to push back against my family's small minded bigoted bullshit, and it used to suck so much more cause I would get so emotional and I would just get dismissed as crazy cause I would be so upset by the fact that they were so casually hateful and ignorant, but I've been doing it for years and I can keep my cool now and I see it as a challenge, like I'm a spy trying to manipulate them into being better, empathetic people.

But secretly falling head over heels for a transgirl will really turn that "keep your cool" mentality on its head and have you wanting to rip your sister's throat out with your own teeth in front of her children on a Thursday afternoon.

[iridescentttears]

my thoughts on the deal with the toxic ex thing we’ve got going on from a late night noncoherent ramble hot take:

the whole billford shipping is so fascinatingly heinous and foul and complex and infuriating and interesting that i certainly can’t look away and i’m intrigued by seeing more of the billford sexy kinky shipping, like that’s not the right word for it but u get it. and i won’t be mad when i see it again but i will slightly shake my head disapprovingly because i know that no iteration of billford is in any ways healthy.

and as someone who’s been through DV and emotional abuse situations it’s kinda odd to me that ppl are making serious and silly takes on, oh no they’re fucking n sucking, they’re kinky af. (and i know that’s an oversimplification on that regard as well but just like for the point of this i think you get what i mean— like it’s in my hc that they hooked up after karaoke and maybe for a while after that it was like a partnersitustionship and in the year of our good lord and savior casual by chappell roan it’s a perfect addition to the lore timing wise)

but also it’s like, no they’re in an unfair power dynamic. sure they each come to it with unique sets of trauma and experience. but one participant is way older way “smarter” way more manipulative and to me there’s no way for that to be sexy. it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

i also, from experience was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and relief at the end of the book of bill when ford lets his family into his world, into his inner trauma, and they embrace him. they tell him that he’s not stupid or weak for being a victim of abuse they tell him that bill is a fucking loser! and he is. and the ppl who hurt me were fucking losers and so is every person who hurts people!! and having that moment when he was surrounded by their love, and he no longer felt shame and guilt from what happened in his past— that moment right there is what made the book something i will cherish. that’s a moment in the book where i out loud had a moment where i was like yes, this right here is the heart of what this is all about what gravity falls is at its core level.

like journal 1 taught me that i could embrace being weird and in the end i’ll turn out all right. the book of bill missing journal pages taught me that even tho ive had some shit happen to me and it’s changed who i am and how i see the world, i am more than a victim and if i allow myself to trust the ppl i love and let in the light, my past will not consume me and does not have to continue to be a part of my story. i can dance around in the woods with my niece and mock a triangle statue while wearing witch hats. i can grieve and move on and a lot of that is my internal work with myself like ford with himself, but its not done all alone, when you have love around you in your friends, in your chosen family whether they be by birth or not, that’s how you really learn to let it all go.

so in a way it’s really fucked up, the ship that is, but again i’m not mad at anyone who ships it. i’m sure you all have very different perspectives and thought and reasons that are totally valid, this is just how i feel from my perspective! i will continue to enjoy all the billford edits and fanart that comes across my page. i especially love anything to do with the breakup/divorce/ fiddleford, bill, ford love triangle angle. i love that shit

this is favorite thing on the internet rn:

@ raycipher2 on tiktok i think is the creator of this delightful viral sensation!

so i took a detour rant there, oops word vomit am i right?

if u read all this pls tell me if this makes any sense lmao

[jazzyblusnowflake]

So ive been on hiatus for awhile, and i have been working on some stuff to hopefully get back to. writing some stories & fics here and there too, but i prolly will get back soon.

still not feeling quite there yet & some days i still want to kms tbh but i still try ig...

i just hope its worth surviving for...

ill try to work on some past requests or memes when i do get back to art [or md ocs lol] or answering tumblr asks or open simple sketch comms, etc etc- but for now, currently stuck on a Jessa fic that started as a snippet and now its near 8k and not even done yet... dont judge me...

workload is a bit mean, depression working that roller coaster & feelings of isolation setting in again, overall im trying my best to not let burnout consume me again. not sure if anyone here even cares at this point tho lmao- but... hopefully soon.

Additionally... i apologize for constantly coming here and whining wah wah about my life, saying ill come back but then not. im sorry, my mental state and the surrounding factors of my life are unstable and alot of times i fail to go through with even my own projects but im trying my hardest. however i will try to no longer give promises because im tired of letting people down..

[necrotic-nephilim]

i think stephcass could have been potentially interesting if fandom let steph be herself and not ultimate uwu girl boss erasing all her negative traits. where is her jealousy? unhealthy obsession with her crush and complete lack of understanding of the concept of boundaries ESPECIALLY if that person is already dating someone? where is her almost manic urge to push away other potential love interests (and at this point i realized she would NOT have been so chill with ives if tim had come out much earlier yikes)

BIG AGREE OH MY GOD YOU PUT IT INTO WORDS.

because i love TimSteph for the reasons you listed!! there's something very unhealthy and teen girl-ish in the way Steph approaches relationships. she's angrily jealous and she thinks about Tim in a possessive way. like she is just so consumed by him and it's meant to be male comic writers writing how they think teen girls write about boys in their diaries- but it comes off as incredibly toxic. it's one of her deepest character flaws and what endears me so much to 90s Steph. she throws herself so deeply into romance when she has it, like she's afraid if she lets go of it for even a second it's going to leave her. and god forbid you be the person she falls for bc you will never maintain a healthy relationship with someone she views as competition, she *will* sabotage it. and to me these are all pros of her character. i *like* seeing how vigilantes struggle to maintain normal relationships- *especially* teenage vigilantes. Steph struggles to balance her "regular" life with being Spoiler and what things deserve a Stephanie Brown reaction and what things deserve a Spoiler reaction. and when she's dating, it's almost *always* going to be a Spoiler reaction and she shades her relationships through that lense. it's why civilian partners for Steph never really interest me. (besides the fact they always feel forced and clunky, like Steph's recent think with Maps' older brother?) it doesn't explore the way Steph loves to her fullest extent and how far she goes when she's into someone. there's no sweet puppy love for Steph, when she's all in, she's *all* in. she will do what she thinks is best for Tim oftentimes by her own will without his knowledge or approval, and sometimes massively fucks things up for him. bc she's just so wrapped up in what she believes is best, consequences are secondary.

and sure, she maintains healthy friendships. bc most fodder with StephCass is very healthy and soft. bc it's a *friendship*. and it changes radically when Steph is involved romantically. it's why there's such a difference in how Steph regards Tim when they're just friends as to when they were dating. she loves him and he's always going to be important, but that obsessive passion isn't what drives them anymore. so it's something you have to consider with *any* Steph ship in which it's a character she's had a friendship with- that how she interacts with them as a friend doesn't necessarily inform how she'd regard them as a lover. and that's the issue with StephCass. even the StephCass content that *is* comics informed (tho, a lot of it isn't and while i don't think fanon needs to be based on the comics to be good, i do think Steph and Cass are difficult characters to tackle if you aren't at least semi-familiar with their canon content bc of how warped they are in the fandom-) comes off with such a rose-colored lense that sours it for me. hell, even on Cass' side, things she's *canonically* done have been weird and obsessive about Steph. but that's never explored.

(tbh dare i say it's something to do with the phenomena in fandom that yuri is morally pure and perfect and yaoi is always dirty and bad- there's this almost sanitizing of sapphic ships sometimes to make them perfect and cute together and while i'm not here to yuck someone else's yum, i do think it's *telling* that women in fandom never get to explore the complex depths of unhealthy and toxic love in the way men do bc if you make a woman evil, it's misogyny. if you sexualize a woman too much it's misogyny. if you write her doing morally fucked up things even with the understanding it is her canon character, it's misogyny and you're villainizing her. i can sit here and say Tim is canonically shitty at relationships and ppl will not. if i say the same about Steph, then i'm critiquing a woman and holding her to an unfair standard. it's exhausting. it feels like StephCass only ever exists to depict Steph and Cass as morally pure and in love angels kissing in the background while the men get to do complex and nuanced and fun things in the foreground. this thought has probably been far more explored by others with more developed nuance on it, but i just wanted to point it out bc it's a very real thing i keep seeing *especially* in the Batfam fandom-)

and equally i think Cass' reaction to this intensity and obsession from Steph could be interesting. Cass historically has had poor reactions to knowing everyone is attracted to her and thinking about her, so that level of intensity i think could cause some negative reactions out of Cass that would add some very layered conflict to the ship. some of Steph's most negative traits *do* clash with Cass' wants and needs. it makes the ship more fun! it puts Steph's flaws on display as well as Cass' flaws and her internal issues surrounding romance. StephCass could be so weird and fucked up. but it's been defanged by this fandom in a way that turns me off to it. i love both Steph and Cass and i love exploring sapphic Batfam ships, so it *should* work for me. but the irony of it being popular in anti spaces combined with no one being able to acknowledge the flaws either of these characters have for the sake of making them kiss just. bores me and it's sucked any interest i could have out of it. bc god forbid women just be a little fucked up. </3

[vxsellie]

hello all 🤗 ive been overthinking & listening to hozier (literally me in a nutshell) and so i'm gonna be doing a deep dive on the song talk because it's eating away at me

the thing is, all of hozier's songs can be interpreted differently & thats what people love about them. they can be morphed and personalized depending on who's listening. so i can't say that my thoughts are 100% correct, bc they aren't. it's my personal opinion, so pls bear that in mind

anyway!

the song opens with him explaining the greek myth of orpheus and eurydice — where a man goes into the underworld to bring back his dead wife, trekking all the way down & making a deal w hades, only to lose her a second time by breaking said deal

lots of people focus purely on this verse when they talk abt the song, but i don't think that this is what's important.

like, yes, the way her perceives the controversial myth is interesting blah blah blah, but let's dive into WHY he's talking about it maybe? why he literally retold the story when he usually just briefly mentions myths, expecting us to already know every single greek myth in existence (love him for that even tho it drives me insane when i have to do extensive research just to listen to his music)

see, he myth is only mentioned once throughout the entire song, and it doesn't center on what most people do when the story is brought up. hozier doesn't debate on why orpheus turned around, how eurydice died, what pact he made with hades, etc etc. he simply tells the story for context & focuses on what's most important / why the myth exists in the first place — their love.

not only does he focus on the real, rawness that comes with being in love, but he makes this the entire point of the song. and how he does this, well, that's the real kicker 🥳🥳

he. makes. love. the. narrator.

like WHAT??? he makes LOVE the narrator???

he fucking tells the myth in the perspective of love itself, calling himself (aka the narrator) the voice that brought orpheus to madness when finding his wife's corpse & the grief that drove him into the underworld & the all-consuming devotee that made him break the pact w hades & the reason eurydice forgave him in an instant even though he lost her only chance at life again. LOVE is telling this story and i cannot be convinced otherwise

following this verse of orpheus & eurydice's tale, he says "imagine being loved by me"

he's literally telling you to picture being loved by love itself.

the song goes on to list more examples of where love exists — mankind's obsession with death and sex, needing the "sweet feeling of release" in both of these things despite them seeming to be complete opposites to the naked eye.

and! this further pushes the ideals that love can be brutal and raw (death) whilst simultaneously being sweet and intimate (sex).

also "i'd be the last shred of truth in the lost myth of true love" is basically saying that genuine love is rarely found anymore, nigh impossible in its manmade divinity. he says that the thing keeping that one last thread from breaking — which would cause love to be completely lost to the world — is love itself. HIM.

and then he goes on to repeat that line after each example he gives. "imagine being loved by me", saying that despite the pain and grief and awful truth that comes with loving someone, everyone craves it in spite of the inevitable & will forever search for something as genuine as the love that orpheus and eurydice had. even though it's a tragedy, it's what we all want, right?

in conclusion, idk if i want to strangle or kiss andrew for creating this song

[bathroomtrapped]

saw ask. so let's say hypothetically (not really) all the apprentices are autistic (they are) headcanon them

saw ask ‼️‼️ i completely agree unironically and i keep that in mind when i consume/write/draw saw content. jigsaw apprentices? more like PDA autistics anonymous jfc

i (shamefully) am not an amanda-guy and dont have pretty much any headcanons about her overall so sorry about that but ill do some bullet points for the apprentices bc ive thought TOO MUCH abt this

adam

1. the most obvious PDA manifestation, though i think its strong in mark and lawrence for sure, adam just doesnt mask his. he pretty much built his life around maximizing free will and full control over his schedule

2. constantly reducing sensory input with music and being baked. his apartment is dead silent and dark 24/7 tho

3. honestly i think adam has shocking high levels of empathy. most people in his life wouldnt peg him as someone who would struggle with that but i think its what sets him apart from nearly every saw character. hes so isolated but desperate to understand and connect with other people, even if hes in the shadows

4. studies high class targets and their mannerisms. it helped him function during a few job interviews

5. hates eating, hates effort so pretty much eats like shit. very few specific, cheap, prepackaged meals that he can handle. anything that isnt a time commitment to prepare and eat

6. talks too much to overcompensate (not sure if people are able to understand what hes getting at and ends up rambling)

lawrence

1. i hc him as a narc as well which (as you can imagine) combined with PDA makes instruction/criticism/responsibility stressful so hes constantly overloaded

2. same as above, combined with asd i think its the biggest reason he has that canonical low empathy (similar to mark)

3. can only eat incredibly plain and simple foods. rice, bread, vegetables without butters/oils etc. very picky

4. very little auditory sensory issues after so many years in a hospital and needs noise in order to function (including sleep)

5. started wearing pajamas under his suits after a few years in residency because hes already tired 24/7, the terrible fabric on top of that just makes him insane

6. struggled through med school because lectures are hard to interpret and hes more of a visual learner

7. so much eye contact

8. remember that dog picture in his wallet we see for like 5 seconds? i cant imagine someone like him enjoying the texture or sporadic energy of a dog and makes it sleep in dianas room at night. its not allowed in the office and he meticulously cleans all of the dog hair the second he sees any

9. absolutely allergic to change in every way

mark

1. low empathy as i mentioned before

2. he wears a lot loose fitting suits in canon which i think are for sensory reasons. he clearly prioritizes comfort with those (interesting) track pants?

3. i have joked with my mutuals about his off-putting, autistic ass stare countless times

4. terrible liar because he has less control over his facial expressions and mannerisms. he ends up making too much eye contact and thinks that brutal honesty is a good idea. he has an almost nonexistent filter

5. he reminds me of that brand of autism that a lot of patriarchs have, the kind that goes unnoticed bc theyre the head of the household. meat and potatoes his entire life, strange rituals and routines everyone has to get used to

6. extremely black and white sense of justice and a poor understanding of hierarchal authority. he doesnt get why people are above or below other people and struggles with those concepts

7. everyone in the precinct knows not to joke with mark because it will always fall flat and have to be explained. mark has rly funny but dry and blunt humor himself

[imthatpowerful]

a lil yapping lowkey 😪😓

also i know im not the only one w these experiences, i think it’s something everyone experienced actually so please share ur experiences if u have similar ones cuz i’m intrigued.

i was thinking n shi and i js realized ive been a master manifestor and shifter and allat since i was a kid before i even knew the name of what i was doing 😭😭😭 i manifested a couples things like my height, 🍒 size, me moving to the US and prolly a lot of other things and all i did was persist in the idea that one day i was gonna have those things. sometimes id pretend i alr had those things. i didn’t even know what i was doing was manifesting and when i got exactly what i wanted i was shocked 😭 lowkey regret manifesting those so imma undo those but anyways that’s not the point.

i also def shifted and astral projected as a kid as well. i have vivid memories from when i FIRST gained consciousness at 3 they’re kinda vague but i can remember the feeling vividly. i remember this one night i was sleeping and suddenly i was out of my body and floating to the ceiling, i felt like a balloon, i was attached to my body by a string, i saw myself sleeping. and i kind of went through the ceiling. i was really scared and didn’t know what was happening and i wanted it to stop, and then it did. and i don’t think it happened once. i remember this VIVIDLY. it’s a core memory, not sure if it was a dream tho bc that whole era where i was newly conscious was kind of like weird but i bet on my life it was real and i astral projected that night.

i remember a BIG airport looking place i was in before i was born or before i was conscious it was orange tinted my mom was there, i was a baby, and there were other babies and mothers there. it was like a baby airport or something idfk and mothers i think were picking up their babies, but i was alr w my mom so i didn’t know why we were still there. i think that was my spawn point. i also remember a big green grass field and a big windmill w red blue green and yellow fans and a farm (all based off this ad i saw on tv) istg i was there either in a dream or irl but it was def irl bc some of my earliest dreams i remember literally were so simple like a woman in a red dress and a man in a suit running and the ground breaking beneath them or this vampire movie we had on dvd as a dream but 10x scarier, plus i was rarely (actually never) a character in my dreams when i first started dreaming. i also remember playing w my brother and suddenly i was in his pov and i could see myself. def shifted on accident. could’ve also been a dream. there are also other occurrences like when i first started watching nursery rhymes etc. any arab moots know exactly what video im boutta describe. it’s that video of nancy ajram i think and she’s a fairy and she’s saying not to scribble on the wall i think it said shakhbat shakhabeet. that was like one of the first medias i consumed as a kid. i remember being in the village for the nancy ajram mv istg, like i was there it felt so real my memory is so vague but i remember seeing a fairy and being in the middle of the village and a forest that’s all i remember but i remember the feeling. and there’s def more times ive shifted. but like i could yap on and on about if i remembered but it’ll be too long.

i also think i’ve lucid dreamt but can’t remember any specific core memory or occurrence.

like overall i think i naturally knew all of that and then when i got old enough to learn religion and stuff like that’s when i stopped being able to do allat. i remember being bummed out to find out allat wasn’t real and i actually lowkey refused to believe in my religion at first i remember my granny and mom telling me to say the thing that would make me a member of the religion and i crossed my arms and refused and they told me not to do that. ever since then i let go of any belief i had of the supernatural. deep down though,i was a lil agnostic and i carried doubts that the supernatural wasn’t real bc i knew what i experienced, but i was scared of going to hell (now ik that what u believe and assume happens after death is what manifests) so i fought those thoughts. all those memories of me doing those things were burried, and since it was an early memory i convinced myself it was prob a dream. but again what 3 yr old has VIVID dreams that feel real. now that i believe in this stuff again i know i used to do allat. and it was so normal for me. so glad these things found me again though. maybe that’s why i didn’t hesitate to believe in this stuff or question it when i rediscovered it.

having to unlearn what society conditioned me to believe has been a really long journey but i can feel myself becoming that little girl again who literally was shifting and astral projecting like it was nobody’s business.

if u made it this far thank you i love you 💗 here’s a cookie. and js know you WILL shift and have everything you ever wanted. heck you already have it now!

[okkottsus]

What are your top 10 favorite media ever (can be anime/manga, tv series, books, movies, games, etc)? Why love them? Thanks ⭐

omg thats hard too.... but lets get it i guess!!!

attack on titan (the anime or manga - it's just so peak idk if i'll ever find another series with this level of writing & that can reach such highs. amazing plot, deep themes, interesting characters, great world building, tbh it's the only series ive rated a 10 cause it's the closest thing to perfection i've witnessed)

fruits basket (the 2019 anime or manga - both have their pros & cons, but this show/manga inspires such hope in me it's indescribable. emotion overload, but its totally worth it. almost everyone will find a character they can relate to & it also constantly made me want to be a better person)

haikyuu (the anime or manga, but i suspect i'll lean towards the manga once i read it after the anime ends, since it seems the adaptation is gonna get rushed - what can i can even say abt this show... it's just pure therapy & serotonin boosts each ep! every character is fleshed out & it makes u want to root for them all, which can be painful lol. also there are lots of life lessons in this series, it can get surprisingly deep - it's just so well written in general, no wonder it's so beloved)

yugioh (mostly the first series, but every spin off up to arc v has a special place in my heart - the entire franchise has had such a big impact on me since i was a child, so nostalgia plays a big role, but i genuinely think its story, characters & relationships between them are great. this show is very very heavy on the importance of platonic love & imo it does it justice, unlike many mainstream shounen nowdays)

avatar the last airbender (the og cartoon of course - i dont think i have to say much on this one, there are thousands of ppl who've made lengthy analyses abt how amazing this show is & why)

banana fish (the anime - heartbreak, but the good kind. the kind where u love the characters & want to see them get better, but at the same time u know it couldn't end any other way. the love was always there & it doesnt matter if it didnt change the world, it still counts that the love was there.)

kaguya sama love is war (both the anime & manga are great, but the manga is the complete version of the story for now - literally one of the most entertaining media ive ever consumed - both the romance & comedy are spot on most of the time, not to say i laughed out loud non stop, but i always had a big smile on my face. it can also get pretty emotional tho & the bittersweet parts are just as good!)

kono oto tomare (manga - the two anime seasons were really good, but the manga is simply fantastic. lovable & well written characters, found family themes, incredible art that makes u feel like u can hear the music & sense the passion of each character - and last but not least, great slow burn romance)

akatsuki no yona (manga - i'm still hoping against all hope for a s2 of the anime tho. well, its most of the above again. interesting premise, well executed plot, great characters, complex themes that remind u not everything is back & white, esp when it comes to politics, and ofc found family & slow burn romance as the cherry on top hehe!!)

koe no katachi (the movie - i'm not sure abt what to say on this one tbh. it just hits me in the deepest parts of my heart. i'm a sucker for stories about redemption & second chances in life when they're done well, so every time i see clips of this movie i want to sob.)

[dyslexic-asexual]

Saw a post about MCR mention foundations of decay and I wanna ramble!

I will be honest when I first heard the song on the radio, I definitely didnt think it was bad, but I wasnt immediately hooked. Its a little slow to pick up and without being able to hear the lyrics it didnt do much for me... But hey its new MCR! so I vowed to give it another go, and Oh Those Lyrics

I didnt immediately look them up, but the song slowly grew on me to the point where I had listened to it a bunch and still couldnt understand some of them, and Im so glad I did look them up, a lot of the ones I couldnt/couldnt quite hear are really important.

My favorite one is "take his body as a relic to be canonized // and so he gets to die a saint but she will always be the whore" which Genius claims is a reference to the whore of Babylon, which I didnt know about (raised in a "progressive" church that didnt deal much with that un-PC stuff). It gets at a big reason Ive always disliked The Church and *part* of why I eventually left (misogyny), and it evokes relics (pieces of the bodies of saints) which, though historically significant, as a big proponent of bodily autonomy even in death, are really weird to me.

My second favorite are the references to the tower of Babel, I like that myth bc I think its funny when the bible "borrows" from other belief systems and I can see a lot of Greek-Myths-about-Human-Hubris in it. Its a pretty human story to tell, you can see it all over, and early christianity loves it bc it was still on that old testament "You Must Fear God and Never Aspire to Be Like Him" shit, BUT this one in particular just strikes me as so similar to Icarus. Trying to reach the sky but your efforts fall? Yeah

I really heavily associate this song with specifically season 4 of stranger things (to the point where I wonder if its intentional, they both came out around the same time) with the swarm/decay aesthetics, and the metal (tho obv not the same subgenre dont come at me), so I think if you like that and/or Faith by ghost youll like this song. If youve listened to both songs Im really curious: did you catch the similarity between the "faith is mine" and "against faith" lines bc when I heard it and realized I was like WAIT :O

Thanks for reading heres a meme I edited for ghost reasons! (Pls dont steal I can upload it by itself if you really want it on your blog):

ID: photo of a pet rat clenching its fists and appearing to be yelling with the words "I will not let the rot consume me" in basic font. Rot has been blacked out by me. Original watermark reads "TeaThatTast" /end ID.

[loafbud]

loafbud etymology

idk if i had said this before a long time ago here yet, but the "loaf" in my name is actually referring to the "lazy, laying around doing nothing; e.g., loafing around" type of loaf, not loaf as in "bread"

some loafbud lore: i actually came up with the name when i was in my junior year in high school. it was for the last name of a fursona i had back then, which was this oc:

(this is my old art from 2015/16)

this was the time when i started seeing the world thru a more pessimistic lense and instead of countering those negative thoughts with more realistic or optimistic ones, i fed them.

at this age, i was very much someone that'd chant in my head: "long live loners! (← this was literally an oath i swore myself to when i was like,, 17 LOL)! the world is cruel! im a loner because 👿 you made me this way 👿! love isn't real!" and then proceed to fill up my sketchbook with snarling, battle-scared wolves drooling out blood and continue to inwardly blame ppl for my solitude,, even tho I activately chose to isolate myself due to social anxiety & fear of what others thought of me, but my younger self wasn't ready to hear that 😂😂

i say all this because i realized that i created the alias "loafbud" during a more challenging time in my life. "challenging" in the sense that i was always in a constant battle with myself via negative thoughts, when i started choosing to see the world/society in a grim light. i was choosing to let depression define me. I'd still have many positive moments since then, but I'd always allow the dark stuff to consume me from within.

and im here looking back at those days, and how far I've come as a person. even if im not perfect, i grew. i still make mistakes, even the ones that make me go "daaamn loaf, u fucked up big time", but ive allowed myself to learn what ive done wrong, avoid making the same fuckery, and move on! i always used to get so hung up on stuff lol

and after i look back, i come bacm to the present and look at my name: loafbud. i know it's just an alias/online name, but I've always seen myself having a positive future with this alias, even when i was a crabby teenager buried within my own miasma of self-negativity.

it had a meaning then (a meaning i stuck with as a teen), but im in my mid 20s and that meaning has long since no longer resonated with me. and yet i held onto it, desperately. like im this butterfly that's so fucking afraid to leave its cocoon.

i dont want to spend the rest of my life living up to its old meaning: loaf: 'lazy, unproductive'; 'bud: earbuds/buddy'

so starting today, im giving it a new meaning.

IM FLYING OUT OF THIS COCOON GRAAAH‼️‼️‼️‼️ 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

the new meaning behind behind "loafbud":

loaf: basically, when i think about bread, i see it an an analogy for abundance, literally & figuratively

bud: budding; like, imagine a new leaf growing like its just sprouting or smth

(i know aliases, especially online, doesn't always necessarily need to have a hidden or deep meaning behind them. but i always wanted my alias to mean something to me haha)

TL;DR: username lore

[girlygguk]

NO NO LYSSA BABY HEAR ME OUT YOURE FUCKING PRECIOUS, YOU HEAR ME??!!

PLS PLS DONT LET HATE ASKS GET TO YOU.

YOU.ARE.AN.AMAZING.WRITER.

ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE ONESHOT, PART 2, 3 OR WHATEVER, EVEN DISCONTINUE IT.

ITS. YOUR. FUCKING. CHOICE.

WE ARE ALREADY SO BLESSED BY READING YOUR BRILLIANT WRITINGS AND THATS MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!!!

you dont even get it i literally started tearing up when i read the first line what the fuckkk. baby..... thank u so much for this. there is a special spot within the pearly gates just for u my darling <3

aghhh no on the real tho, weirdos who use the anon feature to send hate are not doing all that they think theyre doing 😭 theirs wasn't even that bad, like ive seen some brillianttt writers on here get the nastiest asks just bc THEIR own fanFICTION goes in a direction that the FREE consumer doesn't like? such jobless freak behavior.. honestly theres always 50 sweethearts to that one rotten egg so i am living laughing loving and i just know they read all the way to the end of part 1 and 2 so that was surely an hour of their life theyre never gonna get back :PP #WINNING!!!

[spacexseven]

I’m sorry, but I am not over this whole part while I'm re-reading: “it wasn't the next time, but after a few more dead bodies and many more warnings about your work are played on the news, you meet nikolai again. nikolai gogol is no easy prey, but you're not one to be bested twice. this time, you don't let him run. you're finally on top of him, blood pooling out of where your knife was stuck in his thigh, his coat ripped off him and abandoned somewhere else. it would be so easy to kill him now, so easy to watch him bleed out and claim his ability as yours, but for the first time, you hesitated on delivering the killing blow.” I Am So, So, Normal about this. It’s a description that’s so vivid and consumes all my thoughts. The dynamic between SK Reader and Nikolai is still making me reel. Idk, but something about him just watching SK Reader hunt and kill ability users, regardless of their affiliation or history, is so eerie. The news reporting on SK Murders [something that's haunting me, and I’m sorry about the other rambling questions I sent you earlier]. I couldn’t help but imagine Nikolai or SK Reader walking by an electronic store or maybe near a TV, and just watching, In their “everyday” life, and simply knowing about every single life they took. It’s sentences like these from your writing that send me images and flooding ideas from simple things. I love it. SK Reader hesitating is both a great and awful thing, they love someone, and not something. Niokolai’s ability is great, but it’s Nikolai that’s captured SK Reader’s attention and want. The Last Sentence is like a death toll? Like the sinking realization that SK Reader can no longer turn back like their life used to be because now they know that “this time, it's not the ability you're after, is it?” [I Really can’t express how much I love that last line.] Thank you again for sharing this wonderful Work, and have a fantastic Day Tuna! - 🦄

oh man i am wiping away my tears. not one but Two very lovely asks from you this must be my lucky day! quickly before i address your other words

nikolai goes out of his way to find newspaper articles about sk reader and drops it somewhere in their place so they can wake up and see pages and pages and photos of all their victims and the crime scenes and the ridiculous theories some people have

the time he watched them steal oguri's ability, he insisted on walking w them back to the train station because "haven't you heard? there's a serial killer targeting ability users right now. you shouldn't be walking around alone."

also pls dont apologize about the questions i was so excited to see them that i was. literally vibrating in my seat and jumping off the walls ^-^ wanted to elaborate on everything tho so its still in the drafts right now ^^ im actually very very excited about this au too so im sooo happy to see al your questions i have thought so much about sk reader that its probably? a bit concerning? and ive even planned out how id like to go about a collection of writing for this au...

also. giggling and rolling around omg im so flustered to see lines from my own writing hherhrrhfjffj thank you for all your very sweet comments i will cry over this all day and night

[hotch-girl]

BESTIE HELLO!!!!!!!

i hope you had a happy new year!!!!!!!! just wanted to pop in and say that!!!!!! looking forward to all the media we get to consume in this new year!!!!!! and thank you for letting me be a little freak about it in your inbox!!!!!!! love you!!! 💞💘💖💓💞💘💓💖💞

mely hiiii lovely <3333 YESS with dune, hacks, curbed, and true detective coming soon we cant lose with max!!!!!!! i think im going to see the iron claw and im preparing to be devastated <3. im really so glad ur in my inbox bc i took a little internet break except for streaming sskssjsj and i have all these shows i need to talk ab!!!!!!!! im back in my streaming era

i finally watched we own this city and it was terrifying but SO GOOD!!!! i feel like it got zero hype and im not sure why hbo didnt promo it??

then i watched 2 seasons of this british show called vigil that was all over my dash. it was surprisingly good for (i think?) a mainstream detective mystery. i tried watching line of duty afterward after seeing people say it was similar, but the protagonists were so annoying i couldn't do it 😭

now im watching the good fight and its the worst 'good' show ive ever seen 💀 the acting is mostly good and some of the storylines are interesting but theres sm missed potential!!!! im in s2 now and its already gone downhill. it doesnt make sense bc the younger main character is played by the same actress from vigil (rose leslie) and shes really good in that ... not so great in this. i think it has to be the show tho!!!! theres barely any character development and they drop storylines so fast, but its still kinda good? im not sure what to think atp!!!!

LOVE U SO SO MUCH BESTIE!!!!!! AND APPRECIATE IF U READ ALL THIS 💀💀💀!!!!! i always watch the most random things that i can never talk to anyone ab and i just think that even if u havent seen them you'll get it 😭💓💞💞💓💗💘💓💓

sending u all the love bestie and wishing u the most amazing week coming up!!!!!!!!