#i will not let this consume me. even tho ive let it consume me for several days. im fighting!

[remusbuzzcutt]

how it feels trying to find sunrose content that isn’t rosestarkillerchaser (??)

[pumaskulls]

having the everything happen to you at once is not fun, can confirm

[blackmoldmp3]

ouugh the winter.

[4giorno]

omg the screenshots in this dream place are basically accurate 😭💖

[iridescentttears]

my thoughts on the deal with the toxic ex thing we’ve got going on from a late night noncoherent ramble hot take:

the whole billford shipping is so fascinatingly heinous and foul and complex and infuriating and interesting that i certainly can’t look away and i’m intrigued by seeing more of the billford sexy kinky shipping, like that’s not the right word for it but u get it. and i won’t be mad when i see it again but i will slightly shake my head disapprovingly because i know that no iteration of billford is in any ways healthy.

and as someone who’s been through DV and emotional abuse situations it’s kinda odd to me that ppl are making serious and silly takes on, oh no they’re fucking n sucking, they’re kinky af. (and i know that’s an oversimplification on that regard as well but just like for the point of this i think you get what i mean— like it’s in my hc that they hooked up after karaoke and maybe for a while after that it was like a partnersitustionship and in the year of our good lord and savior casual by chappell roan it’s a perfect addition to the lore timing wise)

but also it’s like, no they’re in an unfair power dynamic. sure they each come to it with unique sets of trauma and experience. but one participant is way older way “smarter” way more manipulative and to me there’s no way for that to be sexy. it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

i also, from experience was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and relief at the end of the book of bill when ford lets his family into his world, into his inner trauma, and they embrace him. they tell him that he’s not stupid or weak for being a victim of abuse they tell him that bill is a fucking loser! and he is. and the ppl who hurt me were fucking losers and so is every person who hurts people!! and having that moment when he was surrounded by their love, and he no longer felt shame and guilt from what happened in his past— that moment right there is what made the book something i will cherish. that’s a moment in the book where i out loud had a moment where i was like yes, this right here is the heart of what this is all about what gravity falls is at its core level.

like journal 1 taught me that i could embrace being weird and in the end i’ll turn out all right. the book of bill missing journal pages taught me that even tho ive had some shit happen to me and it’s changed who i am and how i see the world, i am more than a victim and if i allow myself to trust the ppl i love and let in the light, my past will not consume me and does not have to continue to be a part of my story. i can dance around in the woods with my niece and mock a triangle statue while wearing witch hats. i can grieve and move on and a lot of that is my internal work with myself like ford with himself, but its not done all alone, when you have love around you in your friends, in your chosen family whether they be by birth or not, that’s how you really learn to let it all go.

so in a way it’s really fucked up, the ship that is, but again i’m not mad at anyone who ships it. i’m sure you all have very different perspectives and thought and reasons that are totally valid, this is just how i feel from my perspective! i will continue to enjoy all the billford edits and fanart that comes across my page. i especially love anything to do with the breakup/divorce/ fiddleford, bill, ford love triangle angle. i love that shit

this is favorite thing on the internet rn:

@ raycipher2 on tiktok i think is the creator of this delightful viral sensation!

so i took a detour rant there, oops word vomit am i right?

if u read all this pls tell me if this makes any sense lmao

[jazzyblusnowflake]

So ive been on hiatus for awhile, and i have been working on some stuff to hopefully get back to. writing some stories & fics here and there too, but i prolly will get back soon.

still not feeling quite there yet & some days i still want to kms tbh but i still try ig...

i just hope its worth surviving for...

ill try to work on some past requests or memes when i do get back to art [or md ocs lol] or answering tumblr asks or open simple sketch comms, etc etc- but for now, currently stuck on a Jessa fic that started as a snippet and now its near 8k and not even done yet... dont judge me...

workload is a bit mean, depression working that roller coaster & feelings of isolation setting in again, overall im trying my best to not let burnout consume me again. not sure if anyone here even cares at this point tho lmao- but... hopefully soon.

Additionally... i apologize for constantly coming here and whining wah wah about my life, saying ill come back but then not. im sorry, my mental state and the surrounding factors of my life are unstable and alot of times i fail to go through with even my own projects but im trying my hardest. however i will try to no longer give promises because im tired of letting people down..

[necrotic-nephilim]

i think stephcass could have been potentially interesting if fandom let steph be herself and not ultimate uwu girl boss erasing all her negative traits. where is her jealousy? unhealthy obsession with her crush and complete lack of understanding of the concept of boundaries ESPECIALLY if that person is already dating someone? where is her almost manic urge to push away other potential love interests (and at this point i realized she would NOT have been so chill with ives if tim had come out much earlier yikes)

BIG AGREE OH MY GOD YOU PUT IT INTO WORDS.

because i love TimSteph for the reasons you listed!! there's something very unhealthy and teen girl-ish in the way Steph approaches relationships. she's angrily jealous and she thinks about Tim in a possessive way. like she is just so consumed by him and it's meant to be male comic writers writing how they think teen girls write about boys in their diaries- but it comes off as incredibly toxic. it's one of her deepest character flaws and what endears me so much to 90s Steph. she throws herself so deeply into romance when she has it, like she's afraid if she lets go of it for even a second it's going to leave her. and god forbid you be the person she falls for bc you will never maintain a healthy relationship with someone she views as competition, she *will* sabotage it. and to me these are all pros of her character. i *like* seeing how vigilantes struggle to maintain normal relationships- *especially* teenage vigilantes. Steph struggles to balance her "regular" life with being Spoiler and what things deserve a Stephanie Brown reaction and what things deserve a Spoiler reaction. and when she's dating, it's almost *always* going to be a Spoiler reaction and she shades her relationships through that lense. it's why civilian partners for Steph never really interest me. (besides the fact they always feel forced and clunky, like Steph's recent think with Maps' older brother?) it doesn't explore the way Steph loves to her fullest extent and how far she goes when she's into someone. there's no sweet puppy love for Steph, when she's all in, she's *all* in. she will do what she thinks is best for Tim oftentimes by her own will without his knowledge or approval, and sometimes massively fucks things up for him. bc she's just so wrapped up in what she believes is best, consequences are secondary.

and sure, she maintains healthy friendships. bc most fodder with StephCass is very healthy and soft. bc it's a *friendship*. and it changes radically when Steph is involved romantically. it's why there's such a difference in how Steph regards Tim when they're just friends as to when they were dating. she loves him and he's always going to be important, but that obsessive passion isn't what drives them anymore. so it's something you have to consider with *any* Steph ship in which it's a character she's had a friendship with- that how she interacts with them as a friend doesn't necessarily inform how she'd regard them as a lover. and that's the issue with StephCass. even the StephCass content that *is* comics informed (tho, a lot of it isn't and while i don't think fanon needs to be based on the comics to be good, i do think Steph and Cass are difficult characters to tackle if you aren't at least semi-familiar with their canon content bc of how warped they are in the fandom-) comes off with such a rose-colored lense that sours it for me. hell, even on Cass' side, things she's *canonically* done have been weird and obsessive about Steph. but that's never explored.

(tbh dare i say it's something to do with the phenomena in fandom that yuri is morally pure and perfect and yaoi is always dirty and bad- there's this almost sanitizing of sapphic ships sometimes to make them perfect and cute together and while i'm not here to yuck someone else's yum, i do think it's *telling* that women in fandom never get to explore the complex depths of unhealthy and toxic love in the way men do bc if you make a woman evil, it's misogyny. if you sexualize a woman too much it's misogyny. if you write her doing morally fucked up things even with the understanding it is her canon character, it's misogyny and you're villainizing her. i can sit here and say Tim is canonically shitty at relationships and ppl will not. if i say the same about Steph, then i'm critiquing a woman and holding her to an unfair standard. it's exhausting. it feels like StephCass only ever exists to depict Steph and Cass as morally pure and in love angels kissing in the background while the men get to do complex and nuanced and fun things in the foreground. this thought has probably been far more explored by others with more developed nuance on it, but i just wanted to point it out bc it's a very real thing i keep seeing *especially* in the Batfam fandom-)

and equally i think Cass' reaction to this intensity and obsession from Steph could be interesting. Cass historically has had poor reactions to knowing everyone is attracted to her and thinking about her, so that level of intensity i think could cause some negative reactions out of Cass that would add some very layered conflict to the ship. some of Steph's most negative traits *do* clash with Cass' wants and needs. it makes the ship more fun! it puts Steph's flaws on display as well as Cass' flaws and her internal issues surrounding romance. StephCass could be so weird and fucked up. but it's been defanged by this fandom in a way that turns me off to it. i love both Steph and Cass and i love exploring sapphic Batfam ships, so it *should* work for me. but the irony of it being popular in anti spaces combined with no one being able to acknowledge the flaws either of these characters have for the sake of making them kiss just. bores me and it's sucked any interest i could have out of it. bc god forbid women just be a little fucked up. </3

[foodtruckery]

ive returned because your writing haunts me and i need to dig into your brain about combat baby idk how deeply youve thought about like. the whole extent of this au so if im asking about stuff that you dont want to focus on for it forgive me but im so curious how do things go down with bill?? like hes still an issue here do they just try the unicorn hair and stan scams his way through (and ford is so shocked and lowkey turned on impressed they bang after) or with everything else happening does ford (stupid genius he is) just sort of forget bill can still enter stan's dreams even if hes got the metal plate and stans like "hey why am i dreaming about a dorito obsessed with your portal"

and im guessing ford would not be down to make his home a tourist trap so do you think stan would just help with the research? or would his insecurities about being dead weight to ford push him to try and find his own way of income?

and and what about the town?? do they have to awkwardly pretend theyre father and son or uncle and nephew or something? because sure they could pretend theyre not related but they still look pretty similar. ford just looks like an older, nerdier stan so i think that would be people's first assumption (ford seething quietly as susan flirts with stan. stan just thinks fords feeling uncomfortable in town because hes a hermit until theyre alone and they have a repeat of their highschool days with ford hissing in his ear and demanding to know what he was expecting to happen with susan. stan trying to answer but hes a little distracted at the time)

and also with ford being back would they ever run into fiddleford again? either him in his cult days or maybe already halfway to losing his mind. depending on where he is mentally im sure the interaction could be either pretty hostile or sympathetic

ive grabbed you by the ankles and am attempting to shake you upside down to try and empty your pockets for scraps of this au because it consumes me

-🐶

waaaaaah thanks for being patient with me friend! you know i ALWAYS love to see you with the big fuckin questions and ideas. and i have been THINKING about this one cause, tbh, i finished combat baby in a couple of days and went “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT” and threw it at y’all and did not think much about it after that! until i came over here and started chatting with y’all at least hahaha.

the bill issue is like a whole thing right? and i was definitely wondering how the time travel on one side but not the other might impact him/slow him down. but i also do think it’d be kind of fucking hilarious if stan starts dreaming about bill but like. doesn’t say anything and doesn’t even think it’s a big deal because. you know. they’re just weird dreams. and at this point, stan’s done enough drugs and been through the ringer with stress and shit that it doesn’t even occur to him to question having bizarre dreams about some little geometric freak trying to be nice to him. whaaat? a MATH SHAPE for fucking NERDS in a gay little sweater vest BOW TIE is COMPLIMENTING him in his dreams???

as far as stan’s concerned, his subconscious got REALLY hung up on the whole “ford said some nice shit to me while we were fucking” and just hasn’t let that go yet. which i think would also drive bill up the fucking wall. like stan would have been the harder nut to crack regardless, but to keep getting accused of being stan’s mental manifestation of his brother fucking praise kink???? (which of course invites the whole question of bill going fuck it, and just leaning into that, but i don’t think he’d be as adept that mimicking ford for stan as he was at mimicking stan for ford, so)

ngl, i do love the unicorn hair play, tho. fun fact! i have no idea if i’ll actually write it or not, but i’ve toyed with the idea of doing a role reversal with ford coming back out of the portal still in this 30’s and finding stan and everything else having moved forward 30 years. and the unicorn hair felt like a good way to potentially address the Bill Issue i was getting stopped up on there! but like. i also could absolutely see older!ford convincing stan to wear a collar necklace of unicorn hair to keep bill out of his head.

but i loooooove the idea of them getting mixed up with fiddleford’s cult shit. i don’t even know wtf i’d DO with that but conceptually i love it. cause they’re starting to keep an eye on the townspeople, right? and even if stan’s come up with some kinda story to explain there being kinda sorta two of them now, he wouldn’t know not to be outspoken about the other weird shit happening in town. y’know, on top of being some of the weird shit happening in town. something something, stan getting snatched like lazy susan did over the gnome incident, but ayyye that shit hits really fucking wrong when you’ve actually been kidnapped in the past already and had to chew your way out of a fucking car to get free. i think that’s be neat!!

and especially if we consider fidds being maybe already just shade too far gone, enough that running into stan or having him dragged into the cult would confuse the fuck out of him. because that’s stanford, right? it has to be, he’s coming in and out of stanford’s house, he looks like stanford with a few questionable fashion and hygiene choices — but then again, stanford hadn’t been in great shape the last time he’d shown his face outside of the cabin, either. but his hands are wrong. his hands are wrong and he can’t be stanford but then why does he look like him? easy solution: everybody gets their memory wiped.

something something, stan may not know where the fuck he is, but he knows coming to in a room full of shady guys he doesn’t recognize is either gonna end with him losing teeth or a little bit of dignity, and he’d like to hold on to his teeth a little longer.

[vxsellie]

hello all 🤗 ive been overthinking & listening to hozier (literally me in a nutshell) and so i'm gonna be doing a deep dive on the song talk because it's eating away at me

the thing is, all of hozier's songs can be interpreted differently & thats what people love about them. they can be morphed and personalized depending on who's listening. so i can't say that my thoughts are 100% correct, bc they aren't. it's my personal opinion, so pls bear that in mind

anyway!

the song opens with him explaining the greek myth of orpheus and eurydice — where a man goes into the underworld to bring back his dead wife, trekking all the way down & making a deal w hades, only to lose her a second time by breaking said deal

lots of people focus purely on this verse when they talk abt the song, but i don't think that this is what's important.

like, yes, the way her perceives the controversial myth is interesting blah blah blah, but let's dive into WHY he's talking about it maybe? why he literally retold the story when he usually just briefly mentions myths, expecting us to already know every single greek myth in existence (love him for that even tho it drives me insane when i have to do extensive research just to listen to his music)

see, he myth is only mentioned once throughout the entire song, and it doesn't center on what most people do when the story is brought up. hozier doesn't debate on why orpheus turned around, how eurydice died, what pact he made with hades, etc etc. he simply tells the story for context & focuses on what's most important / why the myth exists in the first place — their love.

not only does he focus on the real, rawness that comes with being in love, but he makes this the entire point of the song. and how he does this, well, that's the real kicker 🥳🥳

he. makes. love. the. narrator.

like WHAT??? he makes LOVE the narrator???

he fucking tells the myth in the perspective of love itself, calling himself (aka the narrator) the voice that brought orpheus to madness when finding his wife's corpse & the grief that drove him into the underworld & the all-consuming devotee that made him break the pact w hades & the reason eurydice forgave him in an instant even though he lost her only chance at life again. LOVE is telling this story and i cannot be convinced otherwise

following this verse of orpheus & eurydice's tale, he says "imagine being loved by me"

he's literally telling you to picture being loved by love itself.

the song goes on to list more examples of where love exists — mankind's obsession with death and sex, needing the "sweet feeling of release" in both of these things despite them seeming to be complete opposites to the naked eye.

and! this further pushes the ideals that love can be brutal and raw (death) whilst simultaneously being sweet and intimate (sex).

also "i'd be the last shred of truth in the lost myth of true love" is basically saying that genuine love is rarely found anymore, nigh impossible in its manmade divinity. he says that the thing keeping that one last thread from breaking — which would cause love to be completely lost to the world — is love itself. HIM.

and then he goes on to repeat that line after each example he gives. "imagine being loved by me", saying that despite the pain and grief and awful truth that comes with loving someone, everyone craves it in spite of the inevitable & will forever search for something as genuine as the love that orpheus and eurydice had. even though it's a tragedy, it's what we all want, right?

in conclusion, idk if i want to strangle or kiss andrew for creating this song

[bathroomtrapped]

saw ask. so let's say hypothetically (not really) all the apprentices are autistic (they are) headcanon them

saw ask ‼️‼️ i completely agree unironically and i keep that in mind when i consume/write/draw saw content. jigsaw apprentices? more like PDA autistics anonymous jfc

i (shamefully) am not an amanda-guy and dont have pretty much any headcanons about her overall so sorry about that but ill do some bullet points for the apprentices bc ive thought TOO MUCH abt this

adam

1. the most obvious PDA manifestation, though i think its strong in mark and lawrence for sure, adam just doesnt mask his. he pretty much built his life around maximizing free will and full control over his schedule

2. constantly reducing sensory input with music and being baked. his apartment is dead silent and dark 24/7 tho

3. honestly i think adam has shocking high levels of empathy. most people in his life wouldnt peg him as someone who would struggle with that but i think its what sets him apart from nearly every saw character. hes so isolated but desperate to understand and connect with other people, even if hes in the shadows

4. studies high class targets and their mannerisms. it helped him function during a few job interviews

5. hates eating, hates effort so pretty much eats like shit. very few specific, cheap, prepackaged meals that he can handle. anything that isnt a time commitment to prepare and eat

6. talks too much to overcompensate (not sure if people are able to understand what hes getting at and ends up rambling)

lawrence

1. i hc him as a narc as well which (as you can imagine) combined with PDA makes instruction/criticism/responsibility stressful so hes constantly overloaded

2. same as above, combined with asd i think its the biggest reason he has that canonical low empathy (similar to mark)

3. can only eat incredibly plain and simple foods. rice, bread, vegetables without butters/oils etc. very picky

4. very little auditory sensory issues after so many years in a hospital and needs noise in order to function (including sleep)

5. started wearing pajamas under his suits after a few years in residency because hes already tired 24/7, the terrible fabric on top of that just makes him insane

6. struggled through med school because lectures are hard to interpret and hes more of a visual learner

7. so much eye contact

8. remember that dog picture in his wallet we see for like 5 seconds? i cant imagine someone like him enjoying the texture or sporadic energy of a dog and makes it sleep in dianas room at night. its not allowed in the office and he meticulously cleans all of the dog hair the second he sees any

9. absolutely allergic to change in every way

mark

1. low empathy as i mentioned before

2. he wears a lot loose fitting suits in canon which i think are for sensory reasons. he clearly prioritizes comfort with those (interesting) track pants?

3. i have joked with my mutuals about his off-putting, autistic ass stare countless times

4. terrible liar because he has less control over his facial expressions and mannerisms. he ends up making too much eye contact and thinks that brutal honesty is a good idea. he has an almost nonexistent filter

5. he reminds me of that brand of autism that a lot of patriarchs have, the kind that goes unnoticed bc theyre the head of the household. meat and potatoes his entire life, strange rituals and routines everyone has to get used to

6. extremely black and white sense of justice and a poor understanding of hierarchal authority. he doesnt get why people are above or below other people and struggles with those concepts

7. everyone in the precinct knows not to joke with mark because it will always fall flat and have to be explained. mark has rly funny but dry and blunt humor himself

[imthatpowerful]

a lil yapping lowkey 😪😓

also i know im not the only one w these experiences, i think it’s something everyone experienced actually so please share ur experiences if u have similar ones cuz i’m intrigued.

i was thinking n shi and i js realized ive been a master manifestor and shifter and allat since i was a kid before i even knew the name of what i was doing 😭😭😭 i manifested a couples things like my height, 🍒 size, me moving to the US and prolly a lot of other things and all i did was persist in the idea that one day i was gonna have those things. sometimes id pretend i alr had those things. i didn’t even know what i was doing was manifesting and when i got exactly what i wanted i was shocked 😭 lowkey regret manifesting those so imma undo those but anyways that’s not the point.

i also def shifted and astral projected as a kid as well. i have vivid memories from when i FIRST gained consciousness at 3 they’re kinda vague but i can remember the feeling vividly. i remember this one night i was sleeping and suddenly i was out of my body and floating to the ceiling, i felt like a balloon, i was attached to my body by a string, i saw myself sleeping. and i kind of went through the ceiling. i was really scared and didn’t know what was happening and i wanted it to stop, and then it did. and i don’t think it happened once. i remember this VIVIDLY. it’s a core memory, not sure if it was a dream tho bc that whole era where i was newly conscious was kind of like weird but i bet on my life it was real and i astral projected that night.

i remember a BIG airport looking place i was in before i was born or before i was conscious it was orange tinted my mom was there, i was a baby, and there were other babies and mothers there. it was like a baby airport or something idfk and mothers i think were picking up their babies, but i was alr w my mom so i didn’t know why we were still there. i think that was my spawn point. i also remember a big green grass field and a big windmill w red blue green and yellow fans and a farm (all based off this ad i saw on tv) istg i was there either in a dream or irl but it was def irl bc some of my earliest dreams i remember literally were so simple like a woman in a red dress and a man in a suit running and the ground breaking beneath them or this vampire movie we had on dvd as a dream but 10x scarier, plus i was rarely (actually never) a character in my dreams when i first started dreaming. i also remember playing w my brother and suddenly i was in his pov and i could see myself. def shifted on accident. could’ve also been a dream. there are also other occurrences like when i first started watching nursery rhymes etc. any arab moots know exactly what video im boutta describe. it’s that video of nancy ajram i think and she’s a fairy and she’s saying not to scribble on the wall i think it said shakhbat shakhabeet. that was like one of the first medias i consumed as a kid. i remember being in the village for the nancy ajram mv istg, like i was there it felt so real my memory is so vague but i remember seeing a fairy and being in the middle of the village and a forest that’s all i remember but i remember the feeling. and there’s def more times ive shifted. but like i could yap on and on about if i remembered but it’ll be too long.

i also think i’ve lucid dreamt but can’t remember any specific core memory or occurrence.

like overall i think i naturally knew all of that and then when i got old enough to learn religion and stuff like that’s when i stopped being able to do allat. i remember being bummed out to find out allat wasn’t real and i actually lowkey refused to believe in my religion at first i remember my granny and mom telling me to say the thing that would make me a member of the religion and i crossed my arms and refused and they told me not to do that. ever since then i let go of any belief i had of the supernatural. deep down though,i was a lil agnostic and i carried doubts that the supernatural wasn’t real bc i knew what i experienced, but i was scared of going to hell (now ik that what u believe and assume happens after death is what manifests) so i fought those thoughts. all those memories of me doing those things were burried, and since it was an early memory i convinced myself it was prob a dream. but again what 3 yr old has VIVID dreams that feel real. now that i believe in this stuff again i know i used to do allat. and it was so normal for me. so glad these things found me again though. maybe that’s why i didn’t hesitate to believe in this stuff or question it when i rediscovered it.

having to unlearn what society conditioned me to believe has been a really long journey but i can feel myself becoming that little girl again who literally was shifting and astral projecting like it was nobody’s business.

if u made it this far thank you i love you 💗 here’s a cookie. and js know you WILL shift and have everything you ever wanted. heck you already have it now!

[iamthat-iam]

hey Bry, i hope you’re doing good, i wanted to ask for help because im tired of this, like i dont know who else to ask ( 😔 ) could you please tell me what i'm doing wrong?  (long text ahead)

i’ve been into Non Dualism for a while, not that much tho, i was into the Law of Assumption community and i was having that point of view and the i discovered ND. I felt like i was being blessed because the main idea of Non Dualism is so freeing. I consumed all types of ND contents you can imagine, i was in every corney of the internet looking for info and different perspectives, and i was doing…. meh. I was learning but i had my up and downs but i was slowly “detaching from ego”. Then something happened i had a few problems with a class of mine and i felt like a fell from the progress that i had. I was trying to read more and more content to try to make me understand that “hey its ok”, ofc that never worked because my teacher accused me of plagiarism and the owrse part is that is true but is not bcs of bad reasons i just used AI  and wanted to make my assignments easier and my mental health was awful for me to complete them. Then i found out that my grades were low and i dont know if im going to fail, or repeat my semester, and the worse, i dont want mynparents to find out and pay for those classes. I feel awful because they’re really expensive and i just want to solve this. Believe me, im so tired of reading content and not knowing what to do. I’ve tried every “tecnique” to slowly detach from ego, but i just can’t stop thinking about these problems, they’re haunting me like crazy. I know this is just ego but, ive had so many anxiety attacks because of this like i don’t get it. I'm sorry if im sounding too demanding, im literally asking in the best way possible, what else could i do?

A lot of bloggers say “you don´t need to understand this, is your ego worrying” and others say “slowly question yourself what ego says or sees and go back to your origin” that gets me so confused and i'm exhausted. im so lost and i just want to delete everything and feel better. i know ND, is not about this, it shouldn’t make me feel like this, is just very simple. i just have too many problems like Bry i am really concerned, my mothers finances haven’t been the best and i don’t want her to pay a lor of money. I'm terrified to let go of this desire to change my grade circumstances, because I'm scared that if I do, nothing will change and everything around me will only worsen, and it feels like I've got such little time to change things. I know it might b the best to “let go” and do nothing but like, what if it stays the same. I dont even understand when people say “let it be” or i saw a girl saying “if you have a problem, dont do thing to it. ignore it and it will solve” like how??? i feel defeated and i just want to be free. im so scared to be in this position when the week ends, or by the month ends. im so lost. i feel like i only know this intellectual, but when the day passes and i say to myself “I AM” i just can’t feel it, i feel like a limited body. i give up on trying to achieve something,Ego seems so exhausting and scary and terrifying. i want to leave everything behind and be gentle with myself. what can i do? what should i do?

thank you bry if you read this fully, i really try to follow your blog and i like your kindness towards ppl. i hope u have a nice day

Im doing good ty for asking!

You have to take a leap of faith. I know it's scary to let go of control and trying to change things but if you don't, you will continue to feel like this and the problems will continue to exist. Trying to change a problem is you acknowledging that there's even a problem in the first place. Worrying about these problems are just keeping them there, because you keep acknowledging that they exist.

Your true self doesn't have problems! So when you know yourself as you really are, and are not identified with the person dealing with such and such issues, they have to go away. There's no possibility of things staying the same because everything appears and disappears based on what you are aware of.

Surrender. Just know that everything will work out in the end (because everything is already perfect).

[loafbud]

loafbud etymology

idk if i had said this before a long time ago here yet, but the "loaf" in my name is actually referring to the "lazy, laying around doing nothing; e.g., loafing around" type of loaf, not loaf as in "bread"

some loafbud lore: i actually came up with the name when i was in my junior year in high school. it was for the last name of a fursona i had back then, which was this oc:

(this is my old art from 2015/16)

this was the time when i started seeing the world thru a more pessimistic lense and instead of countering those negative thoughts with more realistic or optimistic ones, i fed them.

at this age, i was very much someone that'd chant in my head: "long live loners! (← this was literally an oath i swore myself to when i was like,, 17 LOL)! the world is cruel! im a loner because 👿 you made me this way 👿! love isn't real!" and then proceed to fill up my sketchbook with snarling, battle-scared wolves drooling out blood and continue to inwardly blame ppl for my solitude,, even tho I activately chose to isolate myself due to social anxiety & fear of what others thought of me, but my younger self wasn't ready to hear that 😂😂

i say all this because i realized that i created the alias "loafbud" during a more challenging time in my life. "challenging" in the sense that i was always in a constant battle with myself via negative thoughts, when i started choosing to see the world/society in a grim light. i was choosing to let depression define me. I'd still have many positive moments since then, but I'd always allow the dark stuff to consume me from within.

and im here looking back at those days, and how far I've come as a person. even if im not perfect, i grew. i still make mistakes, even the ones that make me go "daaamn loaf, u fucked up big time", but ive allowed myself to learn what ive done wrong, avoid making the same fuckery, and move on! i always used to get so hung up on stuff lol

and after i look back, i come bacm to the present and look at my name: loafbud. i know it's just an alias/online name, but I've always seen myself having a positive future with this alias, even when i was a crabby teenager buried within my own miasma of self-negativity.

it had a meaning then (a meaning i stuck with as a teen), but im in my mid 20s and that meaning has long since no longer resonated with me. and yet i held onto it, desperately. like im this butterfly that's so fucking afraid to leave its cocoon.

i dont want to spend the rest of my life living up to its old meaning: loaf: 'lazy, unproductive'; 'bud: earbuds/buddy'

so starting today, im giving it a new meaning.

IM FLYING OUT OF THIS COCOON GRAAAH‼️‼️‼️‼️ 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

the new meaning behind behind "loafbud":

loaf: basically, when i think about bread, i see it an an analogy for abundance, literally & figuratively

bud: budding; like, imagine a new leaf growing like its just sprouting or smth

(i know aliases, especially online, doesn't always necessarily need to have a hidden or deep meaning behind them. but i always wanted my alias to mean something to me haha)

TL;DR: username lore

[sadisthetic]

jaya string of fate au

ive mentioned string of fate au a few times here. ive finally put it together into a post. okay so the reason why ive taken so long to transfer this is bc ITS FROM JULY OF LAST YEAR. i wasnt sure if i should lightly edit it or rewrite it. because it started out as me complaining about rebooted and then me fucking craving fanfiction and hurt (i do this 24/7) and then it morphed into this au that also doubled as character/relationship analysis and me fixing rebooted with my bare fucking hands in the context of this au

anyways. jaya string of fate au with emphasis on the heartbreak of s3. half of this was written half a year ago. man i was so mad about s3 back then lol

been thinking about s3 again. whats even more frustrating about the bad het drama. is that they didnt even give jay and nya a proper break up. granted their get together wasnt on screen either BUT IF YOURE GONNA OH SO RUDELY TEAR THEM APART LIJE THAT. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS DO IT WITH MORE FUCKING PURPOSE. THE WRITERS JUST PITCHED A WRENCH INTO THE WORKS AT BULLET SPEED JUST BECAUSE! JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED DRAMA. BUT FOR WHAT!!!!!!!!! MAKES ME FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL IT DID IS DO JAY DIRTY AND NYAS CHARACTER DIRTY

nyas fucking integrity spit on. you didnt have to make her be like that. it just really fucking made her look BAD. god i wont say jay was a perfect boyfriend but he didnt deserve THAT.

anyways. i want a canon compliant jaya breakup fic set in s3 (present jem speaking: I STILL WANT THIS BY THE WAY.) im so certain nobody has written this. i think heartbreak could be a form of whump if you make it hurt enough.

well. technically. it would be more emotional hurt fic rather than whump. but im a guy who has his definitions twisted. this is whump to me. also im a guy who thinks unromantic things as romantic but also loves love thats void of romance above anything else. i can do both. anyways.

i want jay to feel absolutely crushing heartbreak. i want jay to be hurt. i want him to feel it in his chest. unfairness— rending, jealousy— twisting, want— squeezing. all he yearns for is to be with nya. because he loves her. but apparently... nya doesnt feel the same way. and it hurts

i want to consume heartbreak. i think itll be crunchy on the outside but soft and squishy on the inside. absolute chewable pleasure. lightly salty and bittersweet. i also wanna squeeze jays heart like a stress ball and maybe cause arrhythmia. scratch it a little (a lot). jay is my emotional and physical fucking chew toy

and so to make heartbreak a bit more whumpy tho... i thought up of red string of fate au...

in this version of this concept, the red string of fate is something that needs to be tied by the pair together. and the feelings behind it is what gives the string color. but sometimes if a love is fated to be, the red of the string is instantly, intensely vibrant, almost glowing 

but you dont know who your soulmate is until you actually get together and tie the knot. it is not preexisting, the string does not connect people together for them to find each other before they even know the other exists. it only exists when two people make the decision to bind each other to themselves. most people dont find their soulmate but because its so often the case ppl are content with someone who isnt bc you dont need to find love in your soulmate alone, love is abundant in other places. but that isnt to say the red string of fate isnt romanticized in society tho. anyways. nya likes jay and their string is a pleasant warm red thats a little pink. its typical color for those who arent soulmates but its ok

jay is a little smitten in a slightly overbearing way tho. i think they are a couple who are a little bit mismatched in terms of showing affection. and also nya is very independent type so jays chivalrous tendencies grates on her a little but she lets it slide bc to her, jays positives outweigh his negs. hes cute and funny and they both can geek out and bond over tech stuff. thats a part of the fun. 

but then the match maker thing happens and nya doesnt immediately start considering cole as a romantic interest. but she does start... considering things tho. why cole could be her match. and if he really is her soulmate. why isnt jay her perfect match? its less nya becoming interested in someone else and more nya examining herself to think about what she actually wants for herself and what she wants in a person and if jay really isnt the right guy for her in the end. she doesnt know if cole would actually give her what she wants more than jay does. but she does grow more aware of the mismatch between her and jay

but before anything could be done about her doubts and dismiss it all and just carry on with their relationship, jay finds out in the trailer and is devastated. and intensely jealous of cole.. because hes been a bit insecure about his and nyas relationship for a while now also. he jumps the gun too quick before nya could reassure him so then that Fight happens and things get messy and ugly really fast. jay makes himself look really bad in front of nya which unfortunately reinforces her doubts in jay and she thinks. maybe they shouldnt be together after all. 

and so one night nya talks to jay alone. she explains herself. how shes been feeling about them. how she wants to focus on herself. and that hes too much for her and hes stifling her and she thinks it would be better if they cut things off and go back to being friends. and then she cuts the string that binds them together before jay could even object. it stings for nya but for jay it feels like his heart was sliced in two. literally. he feels a sharp pain that makes him clutch his chest. for nya, she had more time to process the severance. because she was sorta falling out of love for a while. her side of the string has become desaturated and dull. which is why she doesnt hurt as much

she doesnt realize how much jay truly loves her and how much it would hurt him when the string was cut. so when jay falls to his knees, tears falling, she just turns and walks away because she thinks its just from the heartbreak. she knew she was breaking jays heart

she doesnt realize how much hes literally hurting, how she left his heart bleeding. she knew but she didnt know. its most painful experience jay has ever felt in his life. a searing ache. theres a sudden painful void instead where there once was nyas love. its loss that was much too abrupt

heartbreak cant kill a person but it can leave them wounded. and with an abrupt disconnection like that, its why jay hung onto those feelings for nya for months after even tho he never acted on them. his half of the string refused to wither away and he didnt want to discard it either. how could he when he still loved nya. but he couldnt do anything about it though. nya made up her mind. and jay knew her well enough that she would probably hate him more if he chased after her. and so... he kept his feelings close to his chest and his sad, loose thread wrapped around his finger tight all the way until skybound...

—

okay. now present day jem speaking. that was the end of original story i had written on twitter... its meant to be a missing scene (inbetween seasons) fic + au. canon compliant except for the fact its set in this au. so skybound more or less carries out the same way. except minor details being changed...

such as nadakhan approaching jay. he tells him he cannot fix or create strings of fate. but he can give him other means of winning nyas heart... 

although this isnt a part of the “fic” i do imagine at the end of their divorce era.... nya who had casted away her old string, remakes her string to tie to the end of jays (and her) old one where she cut in. the thing is making strings of fate is something anyone can do regardless of being fated to be or not. what the string of fate is in this au is more of an oath... an intention to be together to the end of time. the two people are choosing to bind their fate to each other. nya, who had felt stifled in a relationship and decided she didnt need to be in one back all the months ago, realized something in skybound.... the string of fate isnt a contract or a shackle. not like how she thought... its a sentiment of how much you care about somebody to want to be connected forever. till death do us part. and jay very sincerely wanted that. he wanted to be with nya forever. and nya realizes... despite all his flaws, she really cares about him. she does want to be with him forever. she wants to be together with everyone, all her friends, her family forever. i think she doesnt know the nature of her feelings for jay. they are a bit conflicted and shes not sure how to sort out her desires from her feelings. but i think she decides to give jay a second chance of sorts. when they tie the loose ends the color on nyas side is an ambiguous grey barely tinging pink 

she tells jay she doesnt want to just get back together. she wants them to start over. and jay isnt sure what that means. and by the color of the string hes not sure if it means theyre dating again either. its a very ambiguous ground theyre standing on. but... jay takes the fact that nya retied their string to mean something. that nya isnt rejecting him anymore. that she cares. that he means something to her. it gives jay hope. his feelings for her havent changed... but he decides that to just be. and take things slow. hes happy even if hes confused by what nya wants. hes connected to her again.... and that means so much to jay

i think that their relationship from the end of skybound and onward is a bit more slowburn. well its a weird sorta slowburn. because theyre together but not really. its about them figuring their relationship out. and also nya falling back in love for reals. i love navigation of ambiguous relationships. i think for a while for nya the term “girlfriend”/“boyfriend” is more loaded than the term “soulmate”. thats how fucking weird their relationship got. whats not ambiguous is that nya does love him. she wouldnt have retied their string if she didnt. whats ambiguous is the nature of that love.... its not quite platonic but shes hesitant to call it romantic. whatever. they have time to figure it out

okay. that turned out so much more aro than i was intending. but i do like leaving it like that tho. feelings are difficult to navigate arent they sometimes? how they figure it out is up to whoever. love is love. they are more than “just” friends. but romance itself is a difficult and different beast than love. but jay and nya.... they meet halfway somehow. even if it takes a bit of work

ALSO. LOOK AT THIS ART BY DAN @rotten-dan he drew it for me several months ago when i first finished this au’s original thread which ended at the breakup skdjgthulkd. HEARTBREAK!!!!!!!!!!! YEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you again dan for drawing this for me 

—

also. heres some bonus supplemental worldbuilding that doesnt pertain to story stuff but fleshes out how i picture the world in this au to work. most of this was written to answer dans questions about this au lol... not necessary to read unless if youre interested in my take of string of fate concept lol. or unless youre interested in the bit about bruiseshipping in this au at the very end

-

the string is often attached to the ring finger. so its a very romantic gesture when couples tie it together to each others fingers. like putting wedding rings on each other but its more of a cute fluffy thing rather than binding. not ceremony but its a Thing. its the same level of formality as asking someone out. and string is like. supernatural. its not completely physical but its definitely exists and can be touched. but not as if a literal string is tied to them if you know what i mean? like if the pair are far apart then the strings middle isnt visible but the ends that are tied floats towards the direction of their partner. the string is like. metaphysical. its a perceivable, somewhat tangible representation of love

but if desired the string can be cut if the parties want to separate. but it usually hurts. like a lot of breakups do.

okay so. the thing is with like. almost all soulmate aus. is that they know about their soulmate. or that the evidence of who it is is instantly visible. and like..... that sorta kills part of the fun? of falling in love?

so what if they dont know until they decide to try each other out first. thats the like. the thought behind the set up for this

like. theres sometimes the occasional dumbass whos going off constantly try to find their soulmate but ultimately a soulmate isnt someone you can simply Search for and find. so those kind of people end up being pricks who never will find a soulmate in their life because they dont want to work things out with ppl who arent their soulmate. the pursuit of a soulmate will usually end in disappointment

but sometimes. for the people who do find their soulmate. its because they gravitated to each other in the first place. 

like they fell in love with each other naturally. they liked the person for who they are. and so they decided to get together because they enjoy the other person so much. so when they realize they are meant to be they laugh like oh of course! they were meant to be. theyre like the hallmark movie couple of couples and the few of the very lucky ones

not being soulmates doesnt mean you can only fall in love with your soulmate tho. you can fall in love with anyone. regardless of whether theyre your soulmate or not. and even if theyre not. why does that fucking matter? the important thing isnt that they arent meant to be, but that they love each other anyways. isnt that more romantic? fuck fate the one i love is you

usually nonsoulmate relationship take more work. because the instant perfect chemisty of fated couples isnt there. buuuut. isnt that how love is like in reality? love is work sometimes. love is sometimes hard. but love is also worth it. so making the decision to work for it is more easy the more youre in love. not always the case. but in the healthy couples its usually the case

previously that the feeling behind the thread gives it its color. so. the string can end up being a different color if the feelings felt arent romantic love. most people dont know this though bc ppl who usually tie it are couples. and also it takes both of them to tie the string. every single relationship has a theoretical string color. its just most people who actually want the string are couples usually couples. and so for example, most aros dont ever even think of trying to tie it with someone bc they dont want that kinda bind. but if a curious aro wants to try it out bc they are questioning about their best friend if the two of them agree just to see. their string could actually be a different color than red. because the feelings behind it are platonic

its also entirely possible for a string to be entirely black between enemies hfhjskl. but however those kind of pair would usually NEVER tie the string together bc you know hbghsk. enemies. but if they were. it would be that color. but maybe some insane enemies who are obsessed with each other would do it tho. you know fated enemies and such

..... i have thoughts about bruiseshipping in this au also. theyre best friends, they can bind each other if they wanted to. they have the mutual sentiment required to. but due to the culture surrounding the red string of fate specifically, they never think to. even if they did consider it once they didnt ever bring it up bc awkward!!!!!! the string of fate is the symbol of love. couples treat it a bit frivolously but it is a loaded thing. the string of fate is conversely isnt strictly about love but its just often the case when you want to connect the souls of two people for eternity its usually because of love. theoretically i think their string color would actually oscillate between black and their standard representative color (maybe ill go with light blue lol....) depending on if theyre fighting or not. because it would be funny if it did. also. i think they might try it only after jay and nya retie their string of fate. because then they see its an option to tie strings of fate nonromantically. so theyre like... hey.... do you wanna like... just see? and thats that. two besties bound. jay has two strings of fate now

hysterically it would be funny if all the ninjas did it to each other. it would be a mess. but a colorful one. you know those ship charts where ppl draw lines for their otps and notps. its like that but its not shipping its just relationships and also every single person is connected to every single other person. not saying it has to happen in this au its just that the image of it is so fucking funny to me i had to say it. it would be useful tho if they wanted to find each other wherever they are. practical

maybe they should do that. idk

anyways. thats the end of my au. the post is longer than my og thread of it hjhklkjlkghjf. anyways. thats my weird subversion of string of fate au for jaya. writing the endgame jaya part tonight made think again. damn. im so fucking aro. i think the way i write romance always turn out not so romantic because of it. but also. THIS IS PEAK ROMANCE. SUBVERT BORING ROMANCE TROPES INTO SOMETHING LESS AMATANORMATIVE AND MORE INTERESTING FOR YOUR ENRICHMENT. I RECOMMEND IT. ITS MORE FUN. thats my biased aro ass speaking tho. but for reals. subvert tropes. find out what makes something truly romantic. anyways thanks for reading all of this. i am very fond of this au..... especially for the breakup scene lol...............

[spacexseven]

I’m sorry, but I am not over this whole part while I'm re-reading: “it wasn't the next time, but after a few more dead bodies and many more warnings about your work are played on the news, you meet nikolai again. nikolai gogol is no easy prey, but you're not one to be bested twice. this time, you don't let him run. you're finally on top of him, blood pooling out of where your knife was stuck in his thigh, his coat ripped off him and abandoned somewhere else. it would be so easy to kill him now, so easy to watch him bleed out and claim his ability as yours, but for the first time, you hesitated on delivering the killing blow.” I Am So, So, Normal about this. It’s a description that’s so vivid and consumes all my thoughts. The dynamic between SK Reader and Nikolai is still making me reel. Idk, but something about him just watching SK Reader hunt and kill ability users, regardless of their affiliation or history, is so eerie. The news reporting on SK Murders [something that's haunting me, and I’m sorry about the other rambling questions I sent you earlier]. I couldn’t help but imagine Nikolai or SK Reader walking by an electronic store or maybe near a TV, and just watching, In their “everyday” life, and simply knowing about every single life they took. It’s sentences like these from your writing that send me images and flooding ideas from simple things. I love it. SK Reader hesitating is both a great and awful thing, they love someone, and not something. Niokolai’s ability is great, but it’s Nikolai that’s captured SK Reader’s attention and want. The Last Sentence is like a death toll? Like the sinking realization that SK Reader can no longer turn back like their life used to be because now they know that “this time, it's not the ability you're after, is it?” [I Really can’t express how much I love that last line.] Thank you again for sharing this wonderful Work, and have a fantastic Day Tuna! - 🦄

oh man i am wiping away my tears. not one but Two very lovely asks from you this must be my lucky day! quickly before i address your other words

nikolai goes out of his way to find newspaper articles about sk reader and drops it somewhere in their place so they can wake up and see pages and pages and photos of all their victims and the crime scenes and the ridiculous theories some people have

the time he watched them steal oguri's ability, he insisted on walking w them back to the train station because "haven't you heard? there's a serial killer targeting ability users right now. you shouldn't be walking around alone."

also pls dont apologize about the questions i was so excited to see them that i was. literally vibrating in my seat and jumping off the walls ^-^ wanted to elaborate on everything tho so its still in the drafts right now ^^ im actually very very excited about this au too so im sooo happy to see al your questions i have thought so much about sk reader that its probably? a bit concerning? and ive even planned out how id like to go about a collection of writing for this au...

also. giggling and rolling around omg im so flustered to see lines from my own writing hherhrrhfjffj thank you for all your very sweet comments i will cry over this all day and night

[hotch-girl]

BESTIE HELLO!!!!!!!

i hope you had a happy new year!!!!!!!! just wanted to pop in and say that!!!!!! looking forward to all the media we get to consume in this new year!!!!!! and thank you for letting me be a little freak about it in your inbox!!!!!!! love you!!! 💞💘💖💓💞💘💓💖💞

mely hiiii lovely <3333 YESS with dune, hacks, curbed, and true detective coming soon we cant lose with max!!!!!!! i think im going to see the iron claw and im preparing to be devastated <3. im really so glad ur in my inbox bc i took a little internet break except for streaming sskssjsj and i have all these shows i need to talk ab!!!!!!!! im back in my streaming era

i finally watched we own this city and it was terrifying but SO GOOD!!!! i feel like it got zero hype and im not sure why hbo didnt promo it??

then i watched 2 seasons of this british show called vigil that was all over my dash. it was surprisingly good for (i think?) a mainstream detective mystery. i tried watching line of duty afterward after seeing people say it was similar, but the protagonists were so annoying i couldn't do it 😭

now im watching the good fight and its the worst 'good' show ive ever seen 💀 the acting is mostly good and some of the storylines are interesting but theres sm missed potential!!!! im in s2 now and its already gone downhill. it doesnt make sense bc the younger main character is played by the same actress from vigil (rose leslie) and shes really good in that ... not so great in this. i think it has to be the show tho!!!! theres barely any character development and they drop storylines so fast, but its still kinda good? im not sure what to think atp!!!!

LOVE U SO SO MUCH BESTIE!!!!!! AND APPRECIATE IF U READ ALL THIS 💀💀💀!!!!! i always watch the most random things that i can never talk to anyone ab and i just think that even if u havent seen them you'll get it 😭💓💞💞💓💗💘💓💓

sending u all the love bestie and wishing u the most amazing week coming up!!!!!!!!