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makeste · 4 years ago

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“...and I bullied him.”

hello, hello, good afternoon or evening or whatever time it is. so by now we’ve all had some time to bask in those “Kacchan admitted he cares about Deku” feels (well, technically they were “All Might pointed out that Kacchan was worried about Deku and Kacchan didn’t deny it” feels, BUT THOSE MIGHT AS WELL BE THE SAME FEELS, YOU KNOW). and it’s been lovely. I’ve been having a time. it’s been nice.

but now I would like to talk a bit more about a part of this chapter which I think was even more important.

for me, this was the line of the chapter. this one panel may honestly be the biggest piece of Kacchan character development since all the way back in chapter 120. “I ended up bullying him.” okay but guys?? can we just talk?? about how absolutely extraordinary this one sentence is.

it’s self-aware.

introspection? from a kid who’s had to be dragged kicking and screaming to every character development milestone he’s ever experienced in his life? and on an emotional level that actually goes deeper, and doesn’t just stop at the surface-level anger that’s so often his instinctive reaction to everything? who are you and what have you done with Bakugou Katsuki lol.

but seriously, the level of self-analysis here almost stunned me, guys. not only does he demonstrate a very impressive level of insight into Deku (something I especially love because it mirrors the many analyses Deku has made of him, and shows that the understanding between them is actually mutual), but he also shows an unprecedented degree of insight into himself. like, historically speaking, Bakugou and Feelings have not always exactly been on the same page, you know? so for him to suddenly get so thoughtful now, and sincerely try to analyze these feelings which up until now he’s always ignored and avoided dealing with... that is such a huge step. also, bonus points: he recognizes it as a problem within himself, and doesn’t try to pin the blame on Deku in any way. he recognizes that he’s the one who reacted badly to Deku’s behavior. to be able to examine your own feelings like that and arrive at a conclusion that acknowledges that you’re not the good guy in this, that you’re the one who made the mistake -- that takes a level of accountability that not everyone possesses.

it’s self-prompted.

okay this one is a big deal honestly. no one put a gun to Katsuki’s head here and forced him to confess this. all All Might said was “you’re worried about him too” and that somehow prompted a level of emotional honesty that Katsuki has never before shown. now, based on the fact that the successors’ notebook is still fresh in Katsuki’s mind, and that All Might mentioned earlier that Aizawa couldn’t help because he was “busy at the moment”, this conversation likely took place shortly after the kids returned from their New Year’s break. meaning that this was basically right after the Endeavor internship arc, when thoughts about seeking atonement were still fresh on Katsuki’s mind. so this isn’t entirely out of the blue; it shows that Katsuki did, in fact, learn exactly what All Might was hoping he would learn from Endeavor.

but it’s one thing for this to be on his mind, and another thing entirely for him to actually confess it out loud. and I absolutely will give him full credit for that. he admits, without anyone forcing him to, that he bullied Deku. there’s no incentive for him to do this whatsoever. Deku isn’t there to hear it. he’s not admitting it for the purposes of seeking forgiveness. he’s simply just being honest, and owning up to what he did because he realizes it was wrong. and that takes a lot of inner strength, to do that. to not shy away from it and keep pretending like it never happened. this is a huge first step for him.

it’s a confession that leaves him emotionally vulnerable.

this is another big one. it’s not always evident because he makes a big effort to downplay it, but Katsuki looks up to All Might every bit as much as Deku does. he seeks his approval, he wants All Might to be proud of him, even though he very often puts on a big show of not caring about it at all. it means a lot to him. a lot.

and Katsuki knows how much All Might cares about Deku. and sure, All Might is already perfectly aware that Katsuki and Deku aren’t exactly on the best of terms, and he’s always been understanding about it; always gently compassionate and attempting to smooth things out between them without being judgmental.

but All Might also doesn’t know everything about the two of them. and even with Kacchan and Deku’s relationship never exactly being on the most rock solid of terms at U.A., there’s still a vast difference between the way they interact there, and the way that they interacted back in middle school. when Katsuki was not only hostile, but occasionally downright cruel. and when Deku was still quirkless, and very much not on equal footing with Kacchan in terms of power, and yet Kacchan bullied him anyway.

what Katsuki is confessing here puts him at risk of rejection from one of the people whose opinion of him matters the most. he’s opening himself up to the possibility that All Might might not, for once, react with his trademark understanding. he’s admitting to All Might, I did something unherolike, and I hurt someone you care about, and I didn’t have a good reason for doing it. All Might, in the moment immediately following this statement, has an incredible amount of power over Katsuki. he has the ability to withdraw his support, to condemn him, to pull away and decide that Katsuki is not someone worthy of becoming a hero after all. he has all the power in the world over Katsuki in this one moment; a rejection from him would be a blow he’d never recover from.

and Katsuki, knowing this, tells him anyway. willingly opens himself up to that possibility of being hurt, of being rejected and shunned by the person who inspired his dream. because the alternative is being dishonest with him. this is, in short, a decision made because he believes All Might deserves to know this, and deserves to hear the truth from him. he wants his approval so badly, but he can’t live with the knowledge that he’s “tricked” him into giving it. so he tells him the truth, ready to face whatever consequences might arise from that. and I think that might be one of the bravest things he’s ever done.

it’s not attempting to shirk responsibility.

this, right here, is why Katsuki is my favorite character. because even though he’s flawed, even though he’s made a lot of mistakes, when he realizes that and is confronted by it, he never tries to hide from them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to me, the essence of Katsuki is that he is someone who is always trying to be better. he wants to be a good hero; he wants to be a good person. when people point out to him that he’s done something wrong, he listens. it doesn’t always sink in right away, sure, and sometimes he gets stubborn and it can be hard to hammer that truth in. but once he gets it, he always makes the change. he never tries to make excuses. he owns up to his shit and does his best to course correct.

with this acknowledgement here, that he bullied Deku, there’s no attempt on his part to say that it was Deku’s fault, that Deku shouldn’t have done this or that. he doesn’t blame his parents or his teachers or try to act like he didn’t know any better. he makes no attempt whatsoever to justify it. it’s just simple, honest truth. back then, I ignored my own weakness, so I ended up bullying him. it’s a plea of guilt. no attempt to mitigate it or downplay it. the verb he uses, “ijimeta”, doesn’t water it down.

“to ill-treat; to torment; to be cruel to.” there’s no attempt here to paint this in a flattering light at all. which is good. because in order for him to really atone for it, to really go the distance in his redemption arc which we’re all rooting for him to do, the most important step is for him to take responsibility. he can’t learn from it if he’s trying to hide from it or make excuses for what he did wrong. he has to fully acknowledge his mistakes. and that’s exactly what this is.

it shows remorse.

that’s right y’all. they sent my boy out to do an internship with Endeavor over the holidays, and he came back having learned the true meaning of Christmas. his heart really did grow three sizes. honey badger does care.

there is genuine, sincere remorse for his actions here. he’s sorry for what he did. he regrets what he did. there’s real contrition there. it’s not forced or insincere. again, nobody made him say this! nobody pressured him, nobody led him on. these are his own feelings. I bullied Deku. I shouldn’t have done that to him. I want to atone for it.

I know some people in fandom don’t think this is enough. the same thing happened with Endeavor as well. people aren’t always satisfied with restorative justice; they want retribution. they want punishment for his actions. and that’s a natural feeling; it stems back to that instinct of wanting everything to be fair, which I mentioned in another meta not too long ago.

but the thing is, retributive, punitive justice doesn’t actually help anyone. it doesn’t restore what was lost. Katsuki being punished doesn’t do anything to undo what was done to Deku. it doesn’t do anything to heal the harm that was dealt. it doesn’t do anything to make things better for either of them moving forward.

but do you know what does? restorative justice. making amends. which is exactly what this is building up to now.

it shows an understanding that remorse is not enough, and that in order to move forward he has to take action to be a better person.

Katsuki understands that simply being sorry for what he did is not enough. I suspect that’s one reason why he hasn’t attempted to apologize to Deku yet; because he recognizes that after years of tormenting him for stupid and self-centered reasons, a simple apology might seem meaningless at best and self-serving at worst. it puts pressure on Deku to make a decision to either accept or not accept it. Katsuki saw the Todoroki siblings struggling with a similar conflict not too long ago. and he knows better than anyone else how selfless Deku can be. “deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?” and so if Katsuki simply apologizes, Deku might end up offering forgiveness that he doesn’t actually deserve, just because Deku is that kind of person who puts others above himself.

and so rather, what Katsuki has opted to do for now is to put all his efforts into helping Deku. he knows Deku is in a considerable amount of danger. he knows how much Deku has on his plate with the SIXQUIRKS and trying to handle all of that. and he knows there are other potential dangers looming which they don’t even know about yet. he’s been alert and anxious about this -- you saw how quickly his mind leaped to worst-case scenarios about the past OFA users; how he was sure that All Might was hiding something from them, and how agitated and apprehensive he got thinking about what that might be.

“I’m worried for him. you are, too,” All Might said. and Katsuki didn’t deny it. didn’t even try. he is worried about Deku. he’s worried about what he has to face. he’s worried about him getting in over his head and something happening to him. and so the way that he has chosen to try and atone is to help him. with his training, with his quirks; whatever he can do. if he needs to push him he’ll push him. whatever he can do to help make him stronger. and if he needs to protect him, he’ll do that too.

atonement is not the same thing as forgiveness. atonement is about trying to make up for what you did, to try and correct your mistakes however you can. it doesn’t mean you’re pardoned from them. all it means is that you’ve acknowledged them, and are doing your best -- doing whatever you can -- to repair the harm done, and to be a better person going forward. and sometimes there is no way to ever completely make up for it. sometimes you can’t undo the harm, because you can’t go back and change the past. the only thing you can change is the now, and the future.

and so Katsuki is trying to atone. he’s trying to be the friend Deku deserves now, since he wasn’t before. he’s trying his best to make things right, and it all starts with this one sentence. that acknowledgement of what he did, of what can’t be changed. acknowledgement of the mistake, so that he can learn from it, so that it never happens again.

so yeah. BnHA Redemption Arcs strike again. Horikoshi you smooth son of a bitch.

#bnha 284 #bakugou katsuki #all might #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha meta #bakugou meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years ago

Note

Thank you "Worthwhile Trade". The idea of Baxia turning into an guai is so interesting. I liked imagining the part where she hit NMJ for his idiocy. My brain is projecting "married couple" vibes, omg. I admit despite how weird WWX spoke about the events, the time travel part flew over my head until the tags spelled it out for me. (TBC)

(Cont'd) Also... did NMJ mean it in THAT dual-thing way when talking WRH's prefs? And the last part, where WWX used resentful energy to sub NMJ's qi. I assume he can still cultivate since his core's still there, if emptied? But I wonder what'll happen to his energy once restored Can't help but think his renewed qi will inevitably be affected by the traces of the previous energy that once circulated. He's not going to become a walking stygian tiger or something, is he? Off the wall guess, sorry!

----

sequel to Worthwhile Trade (ao3), also on tumblr

Wei Wuxian didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

He didn’t understand the way he thought, the way he acted – the way he smiled when he woke up, the way he opened his arms when Nie Huaisang threw himself into them with a wail and said, “It was worth it for you, didi; it always is if it’s for you. Don’t you know that?” the way Wei Wuxian had always shamefully thought of saying, as if something like that could just be said like that, out in the open.

The way Nie Mingjue shrugged when the doctors said his cultivation would likely never recover, that he should have died, that they didn’t understand why he hadn’t; the way he said, seeming even satisfied, that it was a worthwhile trade.

It’s not a trade, Wei Wuxian wanted to scream at him. It’s a sacrifice! It hurts and you’re sad, no, worse, you’re resentful about it and you shouldn’t be because it was your choice, your decision, but you see someone else with everything that you worked so hard for and you’re angry when you shouldn’t be angry and you feel bad and you turn away; it hurts them when you do and you’re glad, you miserable thing, you’re happy that they’re hurt because why should you be the only one whose hurt –

Perhaps the problem wasn’t that he didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

Perhaps it was only that he saw in Nie Mingjue his own faults, his own deficiencies, the ones he’d tried so hard to hide in the sea of his poor memory.

“You’ll die if you don’t find a way to cultivate,” he said instead, hovering by the door. He’d say that he didn’t mean to ruin the mood, but he kind of did, and Baxia’s eyes on him were cold as if she knew.

As if she knew everything.

How he’d gone back to the past, how he’d changed things, how it was his fault that Nie Mingjue – who’d never done a single thing to hurt him, who’d been upright and righteous and good and whose brother loved him enough to –

Wei Wuxian had made a point of avoiding Baxia.

Not that she was that easy to avoid. She was tall for a woman – not as tall as Nie Mingjue, but proportionate to him in the sense that she was as much taller than the average woman as he was taller than the average man – and she walked as though people should flee before her, a tread that only felt heavy because of the almost visceral rage that surrounded her like a cloud.

Nie Huaisang had found robes for her, somehow, and they were the least feminine robes Wei Wuxian had ever seen a woman wear, though he supposed he still hadn’t seen that given that Baxia wasn’t exactly a woman. Cut in a martial style, a dark shimmering grey that seemed in some lights to be almost red – she had been born as a human in a mantle of blood and she would not let anyone forget it.

“I should have died already,” Nie Mingjue said, as if the world’s scariest guai didn’t have her hand on his shoulder right next to his vulnerable neck. “You came up with a solution, Wei-gongzi, and for that I thank you. Even if we are not able to solve the next stage, being able to see my loved ones is worthwhile.”

Wei Wuxian could learn to hate that word.

“I have a solution, of a sort,” he said, irritated and not entirely because his reveal had been preempted. He’d hoped to sort of ease into it, somehow. “You lack the capacity for regular cultivation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use demonic cultivation.”

“What? No, we can’t do that,” Nie Huaisang said, biting his fingers anxiously. “Anyway, doesn’t demonic cultivation harm the temperament?”

“You mean my temperament can get worse?” Nie Mingjue teased, and Nie Huaisang smacked him so lightly that it didn’t even displace his clothing. “I don’t know any means of demonic cultivation, Wei-gongzi –”

“Call me Wei Wuxian,” Wei Wuxian said. “Please.”

“Wei Wuxian, then,” Nie Mingjue said. “All the methods I’ve ever heard of were forbidden for very good reasons – but perhaps those conditions are not the same in the method you know.”

Wei Wuxian tensed. “How do you know that I know one?”

“You saved me, didn’t you?” Nie Mingjue said practically, and well, yes, Wei Wuxian supposed he had a point – “And anyway, Baxia can tell.”

Wei Wuxian shivered. “I don’t use it,” he argued. “How can she tell?”

At Nie Huaisang’s instigation, Baxia had recently started experimenting with smiles. She put one on her face now.

It was terrifying.

“Tell me about it,” Nie Mingjue requested. “The powers and the price, all of it.”

“You’re actually considering this?” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “But da-ge…!”

“Wei Wuxian was not wrong when he said that I would die if I didn’t find a way to cultivate despite having given up what I have,” Nie Mingjue said. “If I die, what will you do?”

Oh, not much, just become a mastermind capable of puppeting the entire cultivation world to enact revenge for your death. Nothing big.

“But – da-ge has always put such a priority on remaining on the righteous path…”

“That’s why I asked about the costs,” Nie Mingjue said patiently. “I will not abandon righteousness simply because I adopt a new method of cultivating.”

“Everyone will revile you even if you are righteous,” Wei Wuxian warned him.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Who is everyone? What do I care for them? You do the right thing because it is right, not for the sake of fame.”

Wei Wuxian had once thought the same.

“If everyone in the cultivation world thinks you are evil, they will paint you as evil no matter what you do,” he insisted. “No matter how righteous your motives –”

“Let them think he’s evil, then!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “He could be the most black-hearted cultivator in the land, but he’s still my da-ge; my Nie sect and I will protect him!”

“Huaisang! No! That is not how righteousness works – if I ever truly become evil, you are to cut me off at once, kill me if necessary –”

“No way!”

“Huaisang – Baxia, tell him; evil cannot be endured –”

Baxia was looking at her fingernails. She’d picked that gesture up from Sect Leader Ouyang, when he was trying to be pointed about ignoring someone; it was extremely irritating to absolutely everyone who wanted to know who she was and what she was doing here and Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian had teamed up to convince her to keep doing it.

Possibly a mistake, in retrospect.

“Baxia. I know you agree with me on this. Evil is evil, and must be eradicated no matter who it may be.”

She gave him an unimpressed look.

“I know I’m not evil yet,” Nie Mingjue argued, apparently understanding her without any difficulty whatsoever. He’d just woken up from a month-long coma and he could already speak fluent human-saber, it was really unfair. And this man had succumbed to Jin Guangyao’s wiles? Lan Xichen had more to answer for than he knew. “But if I ever become evil – what? No, we will not burn that bridge when we come to it, that’s not even the right idiom, who is teaching you these things –”

Nie Huaisang coughed and hid his face behind a fan.

Wei Wuxian was not going to laugh.

Nie Mingjue growled at them all and turned back to Wei Wuxian. “Explain,” he demanded. “The rest of you, out.”

“But –”

“Out. One of us has to cultivate the righteous path, and if it can’t be me, it has to be you. Baxia?”

She picked Nie Huaisang up by his collar, for all the world like a mother dog picking up her pup by the scruff of its neck, and walked out.

Nie Mingjue picked up demonic cultivation faster than anyone else Wei Wuxian had ever met or even heard of. He wasn’t sure if that demonstrated an unnerving aptitude or if it was simply that Nie Mingjue was surpassingly talented – Wei Wuxian had never met anyone like himself before, someone for whom all things came easy, and it was an unexpected delight to meet a kindred soul somewhere where he’d long ago given up hope. He’d never planned to unveil demonic cultivation in this life unless he truly needed it – he didn’t want to hurt his Lan Zhan the way he had in his first life, and anyway Jiang Cheng and Uncle Jiang and Madame Yu were all alive, with hundreds of Jiang sect members to boot, there was no need for his sacrifice – but the part of him that was more researcher and inventor than cultivator luxuriated in their discussions.

Nie Mingjue was a lot more concerned than Wei Wuxian had ever been with consequences, and how to mitigate them, but he supposed that made sense: losing his cultivation hadn’t impacted that Nie temper one bit, and demonic cultivation was likely to make things worse. Moreover, Nie Mingjue was simply who he was, stiff and unbending, as much steel in his spine as in Baxia’s; he could almost be described as being rigid in his thinking except for the fact that he was in fact seriously considering becoming a demonic cultivator.

“We’re saber cultivators,” Nie Mingjue said when Wei Wuxian tentatively brought it up. “Like a saber, our nature is to be firm and unyielding, not flexible like the sword, but we cannot allow ourselves to become too rigid – a too-rigid saber will break upon encountering an obstacle. It’s a difficult balance to keep, and one made more difficult by our cultivation style.”

“The demonic cultivation aspects, you mean? Using yao to refine your saber spirit?”

“One day, though not today, I’m going to ask you how you know about that,” Nie Mingjue remarked, and although his tone was causal Wei Wuxian’s back went cold. “And I’ll expect you to tell me the truth when I do. But not today. Anyway, yes, that’s what I mean. Do you know what they mean when they say that demonic cultivation harms the temperament?”

Wei Wuxian hesitated. “I assume you’re going to tell me something other than ‘it drives you crazy and makes you kill people’?”

Nie Mingjue snorted. “Sometimes I wonder how someone as smart as you got sent home before you finished your lessons at the Cloud Recesses, but other times it’s fairly obvious.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged, embarrassed.

“Do you really not know?”

“No one taught this to me,” Wei Wuxian said, stung. “I came up with it on my own. How would I know?”

“All demonic cultivation has the same root,” Nie Mingjue said. “Obsession.”

“With killing, yeah, I know, I’ve heard it a million times –”

“Shut up and listen, you impertinent brat. The killing comes later. It starts with obsession. Obsession with righteousness, obsession with love, obsession with the pleasures of this world, with power – a human becomes a demon when they cannot overcome the obsessions within their heart, and the obsession consumes them. In time, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with power will do whatever it takes to obtain that power, and not mind the blood shed to do it; a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with love will kill everyone who they perceive stands between them and their love, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with righteousness will turn to murder when in their judgment something that ought to be condemned goes unpunished…”

“What about one who only wants what’s best for his family?” Wei Wuxian said, and he did not know if the challenge in his voice was about Nie Mingjue’s future or his own past.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Two roads that I can see: first, their family turns away from them for what they have become and they become vicious with the abandonment, becoming quick to lash out against the world and eventually doing something that causes the world to turn against them. Second, their family stands by them, and eventually the world causes some harm to them – and the demonic cultivator turns to madness in revenge.”

“Not exactly an optimistic outlook.”

“Not especially, no.”

“You don’t seem as concerned by that as I would have thought.”

Nie Mingjue’s lips twitched. “I have a solution.”

“Would you like to share?”

“Using resentful energy to cultivate our sabers makes them prone to obsession, driving them ceaselessly to fight evil, destroy it, without discrimination. It makes them stronger, but also more dangerous – and that is why they must be carefully controlled.”

Wei Wuxian frowned. “So, what? You’re going to be the saber now? Under whose control?”

“Huaisang’s, of course,” Nie Mingjue said, as if it were obvious. “For better or for worse, he is sect leader now. Who else would it be?”

“But – what if you disagree? What if he wants to do things one way, and you another –”

“Then I argue and probably yell a lot, and if in the end he still insists on doing things his way, I listen,” Nie Mingjue said dryly. “That’s how hierarchy works. Isn’t it the same for you? When your shidi, Jiang Cheng, becomes sect leader, you’ll need to listen to him – or leave the sect. There’s no middle ground.”

Wei Wuxian scowled.

“A sect leader that can’t control his disciples is worse than a demonic cultivator,” Nie Mingjue said. “He’s weak. A target, ripe to be ripped apart and devoured by other sects – resources raided, disciples poached, responsibilities taken away...It’s not a fate I would wish on anyone. If you can’t commit to obeying, commit to leaving so that you don’t end up promising more than you can give.”

Ouch.

Just – ouch.

Great advice, fantastic advice, world-class advice, and totally useless because Jiang Cheng had travelled back in time with him and was therefore convinced that Wei Wuxian was just looking for the first way out of the Jiang sect he could find, no matter what Wei Wuxian said or did about it.

(Even Madame Yu was concerned by the new coldness in their relationship and had tried to talk to him about it, which – Wei Wuxian didn’t know what to do with that. It didn’t match any of what he had thought he’d understood.)

He decided to focus back in on the demonic cultivation lessons, shifting from theoretical discussions to the practical, and that, unfortunately, was when they encountered an issue.

“What do you mean you can’t play an instrument?” Wei Wuxian demanded, appalled. “It’s one of the Six Arts! Everyone can play some sort of instrument – even Nie Huaisang plays an instrument!”

“Everyone agreed it was better that I stop learning,” Nie Mingjue said defensively. “It’s all just plucking on strings or blowing air in pipes, and yet no matter that I did exactly what the teacher said to do, it never worked, that’s all.”

“Didn’t Zewu-jun offer to teach you…?”

“He did. And then he said it would be better if we stopped, too.”

The reason, Wei Wuxian soon learned, was that Nie Mingjue was almost completely tone deaf, and the only reason it was almost was that he was still capable of differentiating speech.

“I agree with the majority,” he said after an extremely frustrating day. “Stop. Never pick up an instrument ever again. And don’t let anyone but Zewu-jun play something especially for you, either, okay? Even if they’re highly recommended.”

“An interesting request,” Nie Mingjue said, eyebrows arched skeptically. “May I ask why?”

“Because you’ll have no idea if they’ve changed the music on you,” Wei Wuxian said bluntly. A great deal about the man’s murder in a different life made sense now, and Jin Guangyao’s brilliance in hiding the score of Turmoil inside of Clarity was a little less impressive when played to a man who thought all music, without exception, was just plucking strings or blowing air. “Musical cultivation is deadly in the right hands, especially if you lower your defenses against it. Just consider it a precaution.”

Nie Mingjue’s eyebrows remained arched, but he hummed in agreement.

“I guess we’ll have to think of a new way for you to cultivate demonic cultivation,” Wei Wuxian said, rubbing his face. He had not been planning on having to invent demonic cultivation at all in this life, and now he needed to not only ‘invent’ the original but actually come up with something new. Why was his life so hard? “How did you previously manipulate external energy?”

“With Baxia.”

“Well, that’s not helpful, is it? You can’t wield a human being. Perhaps another saber…?”

That didn’t work, primarily because it turned out that Baxia had strong feelings about Nie Mingjue even thinking about using another saber and well, as far as Wei Wuxian was concerned, whatever Baxia wanted, Baxia got.

(Nie Huaisang had had to go to Heijan once, with Wei Wuxian and Baxia accompanying him since Nie Mingjue wasn’t ready yet, and some unlucky Wen captain had tried to ambush them. That captain, and his squad, were not granted the courtesy of an intact corpse, and Baxia hadn’t even gotten a speck of blood on her nice new robes – no, Wei Wuxian would not be crossing Baxia any time soon.)

“There’s got to be something,” Wei Wuxian said, and Nie Mingjue agreed, and in the end they found something.

Nie Mingjue had been absent-mindedly playing around with one of Nie Huaisang’s fans when one of the fierce corpses Wei Wuxian had raised as practice targets had gotten loose; instinct had taken over and Nie Mingjue had lashed out with the weapon at hand as if it were a saber, and the resentful energy had surged in response –

Baxia was apparently not threatened by the notion of her master using a fan as a weapon, not even one inlaid with steel and heavy cloth with enough layers to catch a sword in.

(If Wei Wuxian needed to go have some time to himself at the sight of Nie Huaisang, dressed as a sect leader with his saber always at his side, standing next to Nie Mingjue holding a fan – well, that was his problem, and also one he intended to show to Jiang Cheng at the next possible opportunity. Someone else deserved to have their mind wrecked by the incongruity as much as he had.)

Even without the weirdness of Nie Mingjue, it was more than a little odd to see Nie Huaisang in the robes of a sect leader without him acting like the Head-shaker. The shock of having to become sect leader had fallen heavily on him: he had become a little more serious, a little more earnest (though still a bit frivolous); he was more inclined to listen and think things over, less inclined to run away.

“If da-ge is going to become a demonic cultivator, someone needs to stand behind him,” Nie Huaisang said simply when Wei Wuxian had tried probing. “He’s always held the world up for me – it’s the least I can do for him. I may not be able to do much, I might be terrible at it, but I owe it to him to at least try.”

Wei Wuxian wondered, sometimes, if Jiang Cheng would have stood up for him if only he had trusted in him, believed in him, the way Nie Mingjue believed in his notoriously useless little brother.

Maybe he’d ask, when he went back to the Jiang sect.

Maybe he’d –

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Jiang Cheng said as a greeting, and for once Uncle Jiang didn’t disagree. “All those letters and you never once mentioned the terrors?”

“The what,” Wei Wuxian said, and that was how he learned that while he was on his way back to Yunmeng neither Baxia nor Nie Mingjue had wasted any time utilizing their newfound skills out on the battlefield.

Nie Huaisang was never going to be a particularly respected sect leader, especially by those that had met him beforehand, but evidently that wasn’t really important given that he was constantly flanked by what was being called the two terrors of Qinghe.

Nie Mingjue preferred darker colors now that he was no longer sect leader, the same dark grey shading towards black that Baxia had selected for herself, and the selection somehow made him seem even taller, verging on inhuman, and Baxia standing beside him, her human features patterned roughly after his, made the two of them appear a matched set. Nie Mingjue wielded the fan that Wei Wuxian had helped him design, which he had forged with his own hands out of the metal from the Xuanwu’s cave that Wei Wuxian had foolishly figured someone ought to get some use out of, painted over with a cinnabar array in Nie Huaisang’s careful brushstrokes, and in his hands it was both weapon and conduit for the raising of armies of corpses. Baxia, for her part, held nothing but required nothing, a sweeping gesture of her hand more devastating than a dozen blows with the saber.

They were terrifying, a nightmare writ large and unmistakably dangerous, undeniably demonic cultivators in a way that was entirely different from Wei Wuxian’s own dramatics, and it unnerved the rest of the cultivation world the way Wei Wuxian had feared it would.

“It won’t be a problem,” Jiang Cheng said impatiently. “The Nie sect are ascending in strength, and this only adds to their mystique – who would challenge them?”

“Uh, Jin Guangshan,” Wei Wuxian said. “Like last time?”

Jiang Cheng huffed. “At this rate, I don’t even think Jin Guangyao will bother defecting to the Jin sect,” he said. “Not if he knows how to play his cards right. The Nie sect’s strength in the original version was never about Chifeng-zun’s skill with the blade alone. It was the whole sect’s strength, with Chifeng-zun’s ability to wield them as skillfully as he did his saber; he’s an outstanding general. And now they have him as a general, him as a demonic cultivator, and whatever the fuck is going on with Lady Baxia –”

“I already told you. She’s a guai.”

“Like I already told you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say that, I will immediately expel the knowledge from my mind and you should too. ‘Immortal cultivator cousin that my brother named his saber after’, like what Nie Huaisang has been putting about, is a perfectly acceptable cover story.”

“And the fact that his saber disappeared at the same time?”

“Coincidence,” Jiang Cheng said firmly. “And we’re sticking with that. Anyway, the point is that if you’re an ambitious man, the Nie sect is the place to be right now and probably will continue to be in the future. This is going to be evident to both Jin Guangshan and the future Jin Guangyao, and we’ll need to deal with that.”

“I’ll keep an eye out,” Wei Wuxian promised. “After rescuing Chifeng-zun and helping with the demonic cultivation, I’ve gotten pretty close to them.”

“Mm. And how about your other mission?”

Wei Wuxian scowled at the smirk on Jiang Cheng’s face. “You know perfectly well that I haven’t had any time to seduce Lan Wangji, what with how busy I’ve been. I don’t even know for sure if he likes me yet -!”

“You’re an idiot, he does, and you’re not allowed to keep us all in suspense for two decades this time. Figure it out.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’m sticking you with the job of being an information courier and you leave for the Lan sect front line tomorrow.”

“You are the best shidi ever,” Wei Wuxian said, and meant it.

Jiang Cheng huffed. “Yeah, well,” he said as if his cheeks weren’t red. “Remember that in the future. In this life we’re the Twin Heroes, you hear me? No take-backs.”

Nie Mingjue was right: Wei Wuxian would need to either learn to obey or tell Jiang Cheng early on that he was leaving, and walking a path in the middle would only cause heartbreak all over again.

“Okay,” he said, deciding to ask Lan Wangji for advice on obedience. Surely that was something that could be learned? “Deal. You do know that that means Lan Wangji’s going to have to marry in, right?”

“Oh no,” Jiang Cheng said, voice entirely flat. “How terrible. I’ll find a way to manage dealing with that ice block somehow…listen, I don’t care if you end up calling him Wei Sizhui in this life, but don’t ruin his character. He was perfectly nice.”

“I don’t know if he’s even been born yet,” Wei Wuxian said glumly. “I’ve been looking, but…”

“I’ve asked some of Mother’s spies to keep track of Wen Ning and Wen Qing,” Jiang Cheng said. “Collecting evidence we’ll need for their inevitable post-war trial, assuming we want them to live better lives than just refugees. Give it time, we’ll find him.”

“Now I just need to see if Lan Wangji will want to raise children with me…”

“Wei Wuxian. I don’t care. Go.”

#mdzs #nie mingjue #wei wuxian #nie huaisang #baxia #jiang cheng #my fic #my fics #academic discussion of demonic cultivation #this isn't an answer to your question but I hope you like it anyway #tkpartisan

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beautifulterriblequeen · 4 years ago

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Do you find Moonshadow culture becoming a little less... likeable? (but not less interesting) It seems like they hand out Ghostings like candy with no path to forgiveness and no belief in a person’s ability to change and reform themselves. The pressure and anxiety those elves must be feeling at all times has got to astronomical. What are your thoughts?

I have plenty of thoughts, as always! Less likeable than what, though, anon? Maybe you’ve missed most of my posts on Moonshadow society over the last year...

Moonshadow society is a disaster, poor thing. It’s a tightlaced corset, pretty but restrictive with long term consequences. It’s a queer neurodivergent elf who just wants to do their very best but all the rules that are supposed to help them out with that end up hurting them too and they don’t know how to stop or change and so yes they’re dancing gracefully in the moonlight and yes they express themselves through beauty but if you get close enough you can hear the constant pterodactyl screech of their soul too. (Did I extrapolate extra hard from “Runaan is the most Moonshadow of the Moonshadow elves”, maybe yes)

Moonshadow society is deeply flawed and it needs help, but it’s so big and pervasive that it may be impossible to change its course without severe consequences, just like last time (aka moving east across the border and becoming assassins that took out humans). The elves can only do so much to alter their own fates from inside their own society.

Some may leave and never return. Some get ghosted and want nothing more than to re-enter the fold because they still believe in its ideals, like Feathershawl. Some probably try to change things from the inside, whether subtly or obviously. And others embrace the rules with both arms and try to mold themselves into The Perfect Moonshadow Who Can Do No Wrong, in order to remain safe and to belong.

But that’s a spectrum you’re going to get when perfectionism is a big part of your cultural philosophy. Everything has to be Just So for so many aspects of these elves’ lives, and it’s Very Not Good for them. Yes, they’re pretty. But mandating prettiness is just as bad as mandating other aspects of personal choice and free will.

As for ghosting, I really don’t think Moonshadows just yeet those left and right with little care for the consequences. I do think they’re too harsh with their shunning! Shunning, giving up, turning their back in a relatively permanent way, that’s not a good solution. Learning and adapting are important, and knowing that you have time and room to practice and adjust is so important for mental health and stability in your society. Living in constant fear of minding the rules or getting even perceived to be doing something incorrectly is such a drain on your energy.

But I do think that the Moonshadows have strict rules for what deserves ghosting and what doesn’t, just as they do for other stuff. The details of Feathershawl’s ghosting are theirs to keep, and I assume any Narrator could flesh those out however they chose during a playtest, whether to make their situation more or less sympathetic for the players.

But my take is this: Moonshadow elves revere life very deeply, and they work constantly to serve each other and their whole community, as they hold themselves together and celebrate their continued existence on every level they can. When someone in a position of big responsibility for the health, well-being, and lives of so many Moonshadow citizens messes up in such a bad way that there’s a plague and lots of elves die--lose their precious lives, lose those connections with others, leave their families torn and distraught and unable to focus on their own duties due to heavy, soul-sucking grief--when one elf causes this level of arcanum-deep catastrophe, I can absolutely see why the other Moonshadow elders would be horrified and grief-stricken, and furious. It’s a very un-Moonshadow thing to have happen, especially with how hard they’re all trying to be so very Moonshadow all the time.

Feathershawl had a position that gave them authority over the food sources that kept a good number of the Forest’s elves fed and able to live their lives without privation. And they screwed that up somehow. They were trusted with a basic staple of everyday life--food--and they got it wrong in such a horrible way that there are a lot fewer Moonshadow elves as a result.

Moonshadow elves need each other’s support and presence as part of their communal network, and anything that tears at that fabric goes against everything that Moonshadow philosophy stands for. Feathershawl themself had literally dozens of family members, whose illusions were kept in their crystal. That’s a lot of family! If it’s common for Moonshadow elves to have that many family members, then a plague would probably touch every family multiple times and leave everyone multiply devastated. It’s just Bad All Around.

There’s probably a lot more to Rayla’s ghosting than we know, since we only learned of it from her POV and she’s not in the habit of sharing Moonshadow secrets with Callum just yet. Knowing that Moonshadow families are so thickly intertwined, and how heavily they rely on each other to help support and cheer each other through standing strong together and mutual services, it’s no big stretch to imagine that Rayla’s biggest crime in Moonshadow eyes wasn’t her supposed running away, it was that her actions cost the Silvergrove their assassin leader, one of their elders and one of the strongest moral guiding hands they had. Rayla cost the Silvergrove their most Moonshadow Moonshadow.

Without Runaan, the Silvergrove is probably reeling quite a bit, and Rayla’s failure is to blame, in their eyes. They’re all suffering, and they need to put the blame somewhere--other than themselves--so they can start to move forward again.

It’s far from ideal. It’s very shame and blame oriented. But it does hold to some internal logic that seems to bear out through the three ghostings we know of for sure so far.

Another things Moonshadows are very good at is quick action. The moment they think there’s been a “mistake”, they move to address it. Whatever feelings they have on the matter, they process it in half a second (if at all) and jump straight to rectification. You attack the Storm Spire? Lain’s gonna kick you down the stairs. You think the Silvergrove ghosted you unfairly? You literally run to Ethari for help. You see Rayla trying to stay on the mission? You grab her wrists so she can’t draw her weapons. You see your workshop doors open but no one’s there? You stop working and fetch a hammer in case you need to smash a vindictive ghost. You think your friends failed their duty and dishonored you? You take everyone you can to go uphold that honor, including a 15 year old girl. (Holy cats does that mean everyone on Runaan’s squad was family, oh god) Swift action is a reassertion of the rules, of what’s right, so no one forgets. That’s got to include ghosting for things that are really terrible.

What I do find interesting is that Eljaal, the homesick assassin who is afraid to return home, may not be worried about ghosting specifically? But it’s a little unclear. I think there is something else they fear, perhaps a lesser punishment? But still one they can’t yet bring themself to face, poor elf.

I do think Moonshadow society is very stressful on the mind, and all these elves have become very skilled at hiding, mitigating, and otherwise working around their stresses and traumas. The greatest illusion that Moonshadows play is the one that Everything Is Fine, because there is always more work to do, and they keep telling themselves that they’re the ones who must do it, for everyone elses’s sakes. Laziness and selfishness are probably the same thing to Moonshadows. Hmm, maybe that’s why Runaan lets his family drag him off to picnics on his birthday, so he doesn’t seem selfish for wanting alone time.

In very very long, anon, Moonshadows are a Mess tee emm, and they’ve been designed that way from the start: doing their best inside a flawed system. This is the heart of their imperfection. They will probably benefit from spending time with literally anyone else aside from just themselves. They really really need to get out more, or to let someone else in, because the strictest of their own traditions are actually ruining the life and beauty they work so hard to celebrate.

#asks #moonshadow elves #ghosting #moonshadow culture #rayla #runaan #ethari #feathershawl #eljaal #let them all rest

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princeescaluswords · 4 years ago

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I find it curious that you don’t seem to have a problem when Jeff Davis turned Mason into a Human Excuse Machine for Scott: “I know the last time you saw Scott wasn’t his best day. But he’s trying to help! More than most people would!” (05x09, Lies of Omission) They had Mason (a black character) justify Scott’s abusivi actions and behavior and tell Corey (a gay character and Scott’s victim) to get over Scott assaulting him. Which is both racism and homophobia. Where’s all your outrage about it?

Well, you’re right to be curious, because I do have a problem with it!

Mason acknowledged in that scene in Lies of Omission that what Scott did was wrong. You quoted the passage. He didn’t try to say that what Scott did was right or that there weren’t any consequences to it. He was also explaining it to the victim of Scott’s actions, putting the focus of the explanation and the defense to the person hurt by the action -- Corey -- and not trying to make Scott feel better about it. He was trying to help protect Corey by mitigating the damage caused by Scott’s actions.

You see, I’ve never, ever said that Scott was right or justified in what he did to Corey. He wasn’t. And in the show, Scott faced consequences for that action, immediately being scolded by Lydia and Stiles and even Theo. Corey avoided him before his death, he worked with Theo after his death, and he took Mason and ran when Mason was revealed to be the Beast. This all comes back to Scott’s impetuous and regrettable actions in Ouroboros (5x08). It was good writing -- heroic protagonist makes a mistake and faces the consequences for it and learns from his mistake, as we saw in Lie Ability (5x16) and Memory Lost (6x01).

I know that the consequences weren’t what you wanted. I can only suspect that you’re the same as other people who wanted Liam or Peter or someone to murder Scott and usurp the show. What did you want to happen? Because Scott’s mistake with Corey is never going to justify your Steter snuff fiction.

My problem with Mason’s writing in the aftermath of Status Asthmaticus, and why I call him a Human Excuse Machine, is that when it came to what Liam did, Mason didn’t act in any way the same he did when Scott assaulted Corey.

He didn’t even acknowledge that Liam was wrong to beat Scott to the point of death. Instead, he made up 800 extenuating circumstances and focused completely on making Liam -- the assaulter -- feel better. He didn’t smack Liam up the side of the head and make him go talk to Scott. Instead, he followed Liam around to help Liam locate Hayden’s body.

As for the victim, Scott, in that instance? Mason -- just like Liam -- didn’t pay a single bit of attention to his emotions or even his physical health -- unlike Corey.

In the first instance, Mason focused on the victim -- who was white -- and in the second instance, Mason focused on the assaulter -- who was white. See what I mean?

#asshole anon #fandom racism #scott mccall defense squad #mason hewitt #Anonymous

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 5 years ago

Text

Humans are Space Orcs, “Un-Human.”

I survived finals and am finally home for Christmas. this should give me more time to work on writing for the book, and working on the conlang for the Drev language. I know a lot of you are busy with your own school work, but I hope that this is at least somewhat entertaining.

“Kill the bastards.”

“Steal him back.”

“Kill them with fire!”

“Start a riot.”

“Go to their planet and make sure that none of them can get anything done.”

“Burn their fucking planet to the ground!.”

“Tell the GA if they don’t give him back we will start a rebellion.”

Commander Vir sat at the head of the conference table hands clasped lightly on the table before him He may have seemed calm on the outside, but on the inside he was seething with a rage that threatened to rip through his body and level the entire building. Everything his crew was saying, every suggestion of violence and every urging to go out and do something insane made his insides thrill with eager emotion.

He wanted to do what they suggested, he wanted to rain hell down upon the bastards that had taken Krill. He wanted to sweep down upon them like a destroying angel with all the power to turn cities to salt, and rivers to blood.

Every bone in his body ached to descend upon them with all the fury of humanity at his back.

“No….”

“What do you mean no!” Maverick demanded, “They took Krill, now they have to pay.” Her anger caused a chorus of agreement, especially from the other marines, who were so riled up they could barely maintain their seats.

“Yeah, Maverick is right.” Ramirez had jumped from his seat

The other marines continued to chorus their agreement.

Then the entire room erupted, and could not be silenced until Commander Vir slammed his hand on the table “THAT’S ENOUGH.”. The marines and rest of the bridge crew went silent Heads turning in shock and surprise.. Commander Vir was standing partially from his seat hand in a fist atop the table, “I-said-no. Now all of you SIT-your-asses-down.” Wide eyes and glances were exchanged about the room, but the marines slowly took to their seats shuffling into position the fire in them partially dampened by surprise. Commander Vir stood at the head of the table leaning over the cold metal two hands bracing himself against the cold metal. He stared down for a long moment quietly waiting for the marines to calm down and take their seats looking at his distorted reflection in the face of the metal.

When he looked back up, it was only cold calculation that they saw in his single eye.

The marines shifted in their seats in surprise.

The bridge crew glanced between each other.

“We will not be doing any of that.” The man said quietly looking around at each of the marines, “I don’t think I have to remind you what kind of political backlash any one of those options might cause to us. Do I want to go in and reign hellfire? Yes, but we have to think about the long term consequences.” He stood back up and turned around clasping one wrist behind his back,

“You aren’t suggesting we just abandon him, are you?”

Commander Vir turned his head to the side slightly, “I never said anything about abandoning our friend, but I am suggesting that we push our more baser instincts back where they belong.” He turned back away from them his head low, “If we do what we all want to, it could potentially result in a galaxy wide war at most and extreme political unrest at least…. We need…. We need to do what Krill would do.”

“Scream profanities and write a rant about how stupid humans are.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of the man’s mouth, “We need to be surgical….”

***

The Vrul Official floated just in front of the entrance to his ship staring out at the alien horizon on an alien planet. He did not bother to hide the fact that he wished for nothing more than to go home. Traveling through space was a delicate matter that required a great deal of risk. The fact that he was willing to captain a ship had nearly ostracized him from much of society that knew of his job.

Of course, he did not find pleasure in his work, but it is what he was good at, and he intended to keep doing it to the best of his ability until such time that he was terminated from his position. He was not inherently a riskater, and would have taken extreme offence to anyone who suggested it, but he was willing to do what needed to be done for the good of his species.

He continued to watch the alien horizon neither interested or awed by its strange other-wordly beauty. It was simply time to return home, with the cargo that had been requested by the council.

If any Vrul had the audacity to think he was a risk-taker, they would soon be proven wrong in comparison. The Dr….. Dr Krill, a renowned Alpha of some importance has and was proving himself to be of some concern. The official had seen in, in the way the creature moved when he stepped aboard the ship, not bothering to float but scuttling along with quick jerky movements. The way his head had turned at every sound, and the strange way in which he spoke.

It was all quite strange and rather…. unsettling .

Completely un-vrul.

Of course, they hadn’t worried about this phenomenon so much before. There was even a time where they had let humans onto their planet, but that was before their scientists had discovered this strange change in behavior. Of course the doctor wasn’t the only one, but he was the worst having demonstrated signs of deviation even before exposure to the humans.

At the time everyone had just thought it an eccentricity of an Alpha. If the Doctor’s official transcripts were to go buy, he was more than a simple alpha, he was a genius, a strange creature that thought differently from the rest of them, but still this behavior was just outrageous.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he did not see the human approach.

It was a fact that gave hi great unease, the way the large creature could be so silent despite it’s clunky misshapen frame.

He only noticed it when he heard the hissing humm of his own dialect being spoken through the things rubbery lips.

“Official, it is I, Commander Vir. I desire to speak with you.”

He nearly leaped out of his skin. The words sounded strange and distorted coming from the human mouth, but it was unmistakable as the Vrul language. How the human had even managed to learn it was a surprise, and the fact that he could utilize it even more surprising.

The Vurl remained at a safe distance, “Speak your peace, human.”

“I think, Officer, the title you are looking for is, Commander. That is your custom, to call people by the title they hold?”

The Vrul officer pressed his mouth tight closed, “Very well Commander, speak your peace.”

“I wish to accompany you.”

The Vrul was very unsettled by the unwavering expression of that single green eye.

“I am afraid that is not possible commander, and besides, don’t you have a fleet to command?”

The human crossed its upper appendages over it’s trunk, “Not currently, my ship is being serviced.”

“I still cannot allow it.”

“Quite to the contrary. I think it can be allowed once you hear my reasoning.”

Reasoning with a human, now wasn’t that a fun thought experiment, “Go on.”

“If what you say is true, that the simple interaction of our two species causes irreparable psychological changes to your species, than I wish to see it. Humans need to understand the danger we put you in, if there is danger at all. I need to know in order to make an accurate statement to my human counterparts about the issue because if they do not see it, they will not believe it. I must learn how this has affected you, and what I must do to mitigate the effects.” He ... had a point.

“Forgive my caution, Commander, but humans are known to be rather…. impulsive . How can I be sure you would behave yourself.”

“I came alone didn’t I? Even if I weren't to behave myself we can assume that you would quickly take care of the problem.”

The Vrul floated a bit closer to the human, “It can be argued that even one human aboard our ship could be quite disastrous.”

“But now you have warning and can prepare.” The human pulled something from behind his back buckled it around his waist, and then engaged in some sort of control. And then, he floated from the ground gently kicking himself until he was eye level with the Vrul who quickly paddled backwards in shock.

The human’s cold green eye fell upon him without so much as a waver.

“Official, you must trust me. And know that, If I were going to behave rashly, I would already have done so.”

The vrul pulled back slightly not entirely sure if that had been a threat or not, but it’s meaning was clear. The human could have killed him at any time, but he had CHOSEN not to, and his words made sense. As far as they knew the human brain seemed capable of reason and logic, so it wouldn’t make sense to anger the humans by refusing their civilized offering.

“Very well Commander, but you will be isolated as much as possible during our voyage. We would not want to expose you to any more of our unsuspecting crew members. Our conversation is already pushing the limits of what I consider to be acceptable. I will escort you to a room, but beyond that your interaction will be limited.

“Understood, Official.” The human lowered his large head in a strange nonverbal gesture that he couldn’t have determined the meaning.

Was he making a mistake.

***

Krill was escorted through the 3 dimension-ed maze of hallways curving upwards and backwards and downwards. Considering their use of helium sacks, the Vrul did not require such structured floor-plans as the humans did, and made a habit of utilizing all space possible including vertical.

It was a rather strange and alien scene despite being a produce of his own species, after spending so much time with the humans he had grown used to their geometrical architecture laid out in very meticulously planned grids. Granted the Vrul were almost as organized, arguably more so, but in different ways.

The two beta guards and their Omega assistants escorted him up a long vertical tube and through another lateral passageway to the left. The ship was designed to operate with a minimal amount of Vrul crew members, generally equaling less than fifty, a fact that made the ship seem wide, quiet and deserted, a far cry from the human ship which was always bustling with active life.

Ahead of him, the organic structure of their ship drew back with a soft slithering noise, and he was pushed into the room and left the wall closing behind them.

“Beginning diagnostic examination.”

Krill sighed but remained very still as the sensors in the walls rolled around him.

“Good morning, Doctor.” The voice said “Please complete this short psychological survey. How are you feeling.”

Krill blinked at the wall, not amused, “Annoyed.”

“Word does not translate, please be concise.”

Krill huffed. He forgot how nebulous annoyance was, “I am displeased with the situation as of now. I wish to leave.”

“Why are you displeased.”

“I was taken away from my friends and crew and accused of things that have no bearing on the rest of my species.”

“Please repeat again, and be more precise.”

Krill growled in frustration, “I have been removed from my duties and accused of something that does not directly involve the Vrul as a species.”

“Psychological evaluation complete, please wait for a physical representative to come speak with you. Enjoy the relaxing array of lights while you wait.”

The voice clicked off, and the walls began to glow with a soft blue light.

It only made Krill more mad.

He turned back to the door waiting, and it seemed as if he was waiting for a while before the door opened and another Vrul stepped inside. This one grey with yellow prisms for eyes, “Greetings, doctor, I am here to complete your psychological evaluation. The results to your physical tests are out of my range of expertise, but I am told they were ... worrying.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean diagnostics indicate changes in core body temperature, movement patterns, neuron arrays, and brain waves. The brain waves being the most worrisome. How are you feeling.”

“I am displeased.” Krill snarled

The expert watched him with a dark expression.

“How would you consider your current emotional state.”

“I already said. I am DISPLEASED. The humans have a lovely word for the emotion. It is called annoyed, when a slight inconvenience leads to almost anger but not quite. You have removed me from my duties against my will, that makes me annoyed.””

“How ... interesting.“Do you often find yourself using human terms in conversation.”

Krill glowered, “Of course I do, I work with humans. I MUST use their language structure to communicate. I also find they have words that are more accurate than our speech.”

“Do you understand why you are here, Doctor.”

“Of course, I understand why I am here. This is a termination evaluation, an absolute load of chicken shit.”

The Vrul stared at him in confusion, “I am sorry? I do not understand.”

Krill turned in a frustrated circle, “I mean that I think it is illogical and a waste of time.”

“Why do you insist on using these human terms while you speak.”

“Because human words more accurately represent how I am feeling.”

The evaluate shifted on his four limbs adjusting the amount of air in his helium sack.

“Doctor, you understand why the council is worried. Even after our first few minutes of discussion, I can see that your behavior has deviated from the correct Vrul behavior and towards human behavior. You are showing increased aggression, agitation, and your body utilization has changed.”

“I am behaving this way because you are being illogical. By taking me you risk angering the humans, and that is a bad idea. Not to mention that my departure from the ship leaves the humans in danger.”

“You think you are that important to them?”

“I AM that important to them.”

“And what makes you say that.” The Vrul didn’t turn his gaze from Krill who shifted in annoyance in the air.

“Because the humans have accepted me into their pack. I am one of them now.”

“Does this mean that you identify more with the humans than you do with your own species?” He questioned his face so smooth and expressionless, Kril was having a hard time telling how he was feeling. Then it crossed his mind that he had never needed facial expressions when he did not live with the humans. In fact, the Vrul had never assumed to know anything about the inner workings of other vrul, but here he was, presenting open emotions to this emotionless creature.

He was trying to interact with his creature as if he was interacting with a human. He was using human speech patterns, human terms and even human body language. A fact that he had not realized he was doing subconsciously until just now.

He was behaving just like a human would….

How fascinating.

“No, I simply accept a way of behaving that does not align with my original behavior This is adaptive for my survival aboard a human ship.”

“Are you afraid of the humans.”

“More afraid FOR the humans.”

“Why would you be afraid FOR humans.”

Krill turned away from the questioner facing the wall and its uniform gleaming surface. The room was a ball, not a square lie the humans preferred, the ground was bumpy and uneven.

“I am afraid for what they might do…. Humans are rash you know, and they might get themselves hurt.”

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lowermanagement · 3 years ago

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One of my direct reports wants to be promoted and I don’t think he is ready. He wants to take management class but spots are limited. So in lieu of a formal training, I bought him a copy of Extreme Ownership and recommended he read the first four chapters.

The essence of the book is in the first four chapters. I am revisiting my notes from that section of the book to prepare for my discussion with him.

Extreme Ownership - the leader is truly and ultimately responsible for everything

Accountability - it’s not what you preach, but rather it’s what you tolerate

Believe - the leader must be a true believer in the mission

Check your ego - your subordinates’ mistakes aren’t their faults, but rather they’re your mistakes for not clarifying things the right way

I hope this book opens his eyes they way they opened mine. But I’m going to be honest, there’s probably and a greater chance this idea blows up in my face and he walks away not looking inward but rather focuses on my faults as a leader. And on many aspects, he wouldn’t be wrong.

Extreme Ownership

Accepting blame/responsibility for mistakes makes people trust you more.

When you make a mistake, run through this progression i) vow to let it never happen again, ii) analyze what happened, iii) implement lessons learned, iv) update planning and operating procedures to mitigate the risk of the mistake happening again.

The leader is responsible for everything. Not just your job. But everything that impacts your mission.

When you are sitting around, wondering what the problem is, what’s the reason things went wrong. You. You are. You are the reason. You are the reason things went wrong.

I can get behind this concept. I can even do extreme ownership theater in front of my team or boss. But then comes the next part.

Accountability

There are no bad teams, only bad leaders.

If there are two teams, one consistently over-performing, the other consistently underperforming, chances are if you swapped their leaders, the underperforming team would start to over-perform and the over-performing team would start to underperform.

It’s not what you preach, it’s what you tolerate. If a substandard performance is accepted and no one is held accountable--that is, there are no consequences--the poor performance becomes the standard.

Leaders should never be satisfied. And build this concept into the team. And realistically face facts via brutally honest assessment of themselves and their team’s performance. And constantly look to improve, add capabilities, push the standard higher.

This dissatisfaction must start at the individual level with the leader, then spread to each of the team members until this becomes the culture, the new standard.

Accountability is hard. Maybe I need to embrace my dissatisfaction a little more.

Believe

The leader must be a true believer in the mission. Even when everyone else is full of doubt, asking “is it worth it?”

If the leader is not a true believer, you will not take the risks required to overcome the inevitable obstacles that emerge necessary to achieve the mission. And you won’t be able to convince others to do so either.

So you need to understand the why from above. And explain that why down below.

If you don’t understand the why from above, it is your obligation to keep asking questions until you understand why those decisions are being made. Not knowing the why prevents you from believing in the mission.

I get this concept from a big picture sense, but not at the level of every little thing I am supposed to do. But maybe that’s the problem.

Check your ego

You must be able to realistically assess your own performance. Ego prevents you from doing so.

When your subordinate screws up, go back to the principle of Extreme Ownership.

It’s not your subordinate’s fault, it’s your fault for not being clear enough in explaining why it needed done the right way. So you approach your subordinate saying it’s your fault, not theirs. You allow him or her to see the problem without being clouded by his or her ego.

This ties closely back the original concept of Extreme Ownership, and I think I got this. Does it just come down to accountability? Do I need to figure out how to do that better?

#work #leadership and management #extreme ownership #jocko willink #books

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theyearofnoclothes · 4 years ago

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day three hundred and twenty-six - truth or consequences

255,000+ deaths. 12 million+ cases. 14 days since the election was called. No coordinated mitigation plan, no federal stimulus, no concession. Is it a coup yet? Will being infected transform Don Jr into a person with even a shred of empathy? Will the 99% ever get access to the vaccine? All will be revealed in 2020 part 2!

November has certainly had its ups and downs and it’s impossible to guess what the last stretch will bring. I’ll be finishing out the month still in New Mexico, a place I had never been before and didn’t know much of anything about - just today I learned that Truth or Consequences got its name from a radio show competition in the forties instead of a sinister pioneer tale like I assumed. But I’m still using the town’s name as today’s title both for obvious reasons (hello, public health and civic consequences of lack of truth!) and for the truth I have to tell. Which is, I kind of failed the challenge?

I got to Santa Fe just before a two-week shelter in place order went into effect and knew I was leaving before it ended, so I naturally tried to cram in all the non-essential activities I could in the two days I had. And with many museums already closed and the impossibility of visiting galleries with a dog, the primary cultural option left was...shopping.

I would like to think that I wouldn’t consider shopping a cultural activity in most other places, and would like to explain myself by pointing to the many trading posts and antique shops that carry pieces from Native American artisans. I went into some shops solely as if they were museums, like Shiprock, which sells Navajo blankets and rugs for many thousands of dollars, among other antique and current Native artisan wares.

Shiprock had been in the Goop Guide to Santa Fe, Goop Guides being the only thing I ever look at that site for, and sort of a guilty pleasure - what outrageously expensive or offensive recommendation will the Goop team make next? It had also been in a Condé Nast Traveler guide, and host to RBG once (which I learned by trawling their Instagram). Those things are not actually relevant, but it was the cross-referencing of the two guides that led to my failure.

You see, I got it into my head that I wanted a Navajo blanket (more on that later), and had a woefully uninformed hope that not all inventories were priced the way that Shiprock’s was. One of the other shops on the Conde Nast guide was Santa Fe Vintage, whose website had a blanket category, but no listed products. I thought it was still worth a shot, so typed it into my GPS and wound up at Santa Fe Vintage Outpost, which had some Pendleton blankets near the front but mostly featured a highly curated collection of vintage clothing. The blankets weren’t what I was going for, but I suffer from the idea that you can’t take one glance at a store and leave, so I dawdled, taking in the assortment, lingering over a prairie dress I wouldn’t mind wearing if I ever had a wedding, admiring the long blanket coat the owner was showing a regular client, but generally just wasting time because of the whole ‘no clothes buying thing.’ I was about to leave when I saw what looked like a denim jacket, but with a blanket bodice, and I had to try it on.

Well of course it was constructed with a vintage Chimayo blanket, vintage indigo sleeves and even vintage hardware, with a zipper and buckle salvaged from other unsalvageable pieces. And of course it fit, with sleeves that were not just long enough but longer than I needed, allowing me to cuff them to show the blanket that was sewn at the cuff just for that purpose. And of course it wasn’t cheap. So I put it back and went home to sleep on it.

But before sleeping, I did a little (read: lot) of googling to plan where else I would go the next day, and learned myself a thing or two about Navajo blankets.

I learned that Navajo (Diné, really) weavers were building looms and weaving blankets by the late 17th century and considered the practice sacred. I also learned that they stopped making blankets by the late 19th century and that some truly terrible things (mass murder, forced relocation, internment camps) happened in between. Depending on which history I read, the weaving of blankets stopped either because the US government deprived its new wards of state of their sheep and therefore wool, because the railroad came to New Mexico generally, or because competition from mass-producing mills like Pendleton destroyed the market specifically. No history disagrees that Navajo weavers only started making rugs after their internment, but they give different details to recount that they were only given wool at the behest of a trader who saw an opportunity to compete with the Oriental rug trade (one history imbues this man with a desire to “revitalize Navajo weaving”).

There’s obviously much more to be learned and to unpack, but the outcome of that first night of research was that I no longer wanted a Navajo blanket - why would I pay a most likely white person for a piece of Diné history that was only rare because of white people? I have since spent more hours looking for ways to support the artisans of Navajo Nation and other tribes directly, but that’s another post.

This post is heading back to Santa Fe Vintage Outpost (which is not the same as Santa Fe Vintage, to tie up the loose end of guide confusion). Because I had decided a Navajo blanket was out of the question, and because I had described this jacket to not one but three women who all told me to buy it, but mostly because I am impulsive even after sleeping on things, I went back and got it.

What’s perhaps funny is that Chimayo blankets were first made by Spanish colonizers on European looms and by the forties it’s almost certain that a commercial warp and yarn were used, with indigo of course having its own bloody history, but hindsight’s a bitch. I got caught up in the desire to have a piece of New Mexico and the fear of missing out on a one-of-a-kind piece. And now I have a very expensive jacket and the knowledge that I was just 47 days shy of a year of no clothes. Right this moment I’d call the purchase a mistake, but for once in my life, I’m not going to all-or-nothing this failure and instead use it as a learning opportunity. 6 weeks to go!

#2020 resolutions

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sign-from-god-complex · 6 years ago

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A Gift From Me To You - Chapter 7

Chapter Summary: Logan talks through some things.

Warnings: Mentions of parental neglect and mentions of the previously discussed suicide.

A/N: Only got a few more chapters to go!!! And I haven’t written them, so I should really get on that.

AO3 Link // Link to Chapter One! // And Two! // And Three! // And Four! // And Five! // And Six!

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“Logan?”

Logan could hear Patton’s voice ring out as he pushed the door open and he wiped at his face again, hoping to destroy any evidence of an emotional breakdown. He’s sure he was unsuccessful, but the effort was still made.

He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady despite his tears. “I would prefer not to speak to you right now, Patton.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so, specs. This is kind of important.”

Roman too. Excellent. Any hopes of getting out of this situation with his dignity intact were utterly destroyed.

Logan scowled, even if he felt it didn’t hold much behind it except exhaustion. “Yes, I am well aware of why you would consider this to be ‘important’.”

“No, hon. You’re not,” Patton sighed.

The two of them moved into Logan’s line of sight, taking a seat on the ground opposite him—Patton with his legs crisscrossed and Roman with his back against the leg of the table. Logan could think of a dozen places he could rest his head against—both laps, Roman’s thigh, Patton’s shoulder, Patton’s thighs, Roman’s chest—but he refused to move.

“You’ve come to congratulate me on my soulmark, on my chance for the perfect relationship, isn’t that right?” He scoffed. “Save your breath.”

There was silence.

Not a comfortable silence either, the kind of silence that forces you to reevaluate your choices thus far, because clearly, you haven’t been making the right ones. If Logan was honest, he’d regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He doesn’t want to believe the worst will come to pass, but the universe hasn’t given him much reason to believe otherwise—his friends, on the other hand, have.

Maybe he wasn’t giving them enough credit.

“Logan,” Roman said after a moment, “if you think we would ever act so tactlessly about a subject we know you have issues with, then you clearly don’t know us as well as you think.”

Logan looked up from the spot on the floor he’d been fixating on. The two of them both seemed hurt by his comment and Logan tried to stamp out the guilt that was rising up in him, but it was impossible to ignore.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. It wasn’t even reluctant and that alone was evidence of the sort of change the other two had managed to inflict in him.

Logan hadn’t been known in his past for admitting mistakes—in fact, he’d rarely apologise at all—but he was slowly learning to accept responsibility for his actions. Emphasis on slowly, but still, he was trying. He’s certain he wouldn’t have attempted that before he’d met Roman and Patton.

“It’s alright, love,” Patton replied with a small smile, “We understand this is hard for you.”

It was, and that fact alone annoyed him to no end. He should be above this kind of frustration! He should be able to brush this off and accept the change like any normal human being would do but fuck! It wasn’t that easy; why was it never easy?!

“I just- I don’t want this!” Logan waved his arm around, aware his eyes were growing wetter despite his efforts to the contrary. “I don’t want the increased chance to die of heartbreak! I don’t want the manipulation and the lack of choice! I don’t want to attempt to kill myself just because my wife did the same, completely irrespective of the child they were raising, perfectly content to leave him alone if I had succeeded, I don’t want that!”

The expressions the other two boys wore were full of shock and Logan realised belatedly what he’d just said. He threw his head back against the wall, eyes closed and aware that he was one kind touch away from breaking down into sobs.

“Logan…” Patton said slowly, “Did that happen?”

Logan cleared his throat but his voice came out weak regardless. “Yes, but it’s not important. It was a long time ago, it doesn-”

Logan spoke quickly, but not quick enough. As soon as Logan had confirmed Patton’s question he’d begun to crawl his way over until he was slotted in next to Logan, placing a comforting hand on his leg and watching as Logan struggled to hold himself together.

He couldn’t cry, not in front of them. He was Logan. He was logical and precise—giving facts and data to assist others in their decision making, getting impeccable grades due to diligent work, existing in a form outside of 1’s and 0’s purely out of human necessity. He wasn’t allowed to cry.

“Lo.”

Logan opened his eyes to see Roman had moved his way over as well, taking up residence on the other side of him. He was scanning Logan’s face like he could see every insecurity hidden in his expression and it was hugely overwhelming.

“We’re not going to judge you if you cry, you know.” Logan tensed and Roman gave a gentle smile. “You’re a human being, Logan, not a robot; you have emotions. Just… let us be here for you, okay?” He paused for a moment. “We love you.”

There was a soft touch to Logan’s waist and that’s all he could take.

He folded over, hand going to his mouth to muffle his cries and hide his face—shame not quite overtaken yet by the comfort of his friends. He could feel hands against his back, grounding touches in an attempt to mitigate the way he was shaking and it only made Logan cry harder.

He wanted so badly to tuck himself into Patton or Roman’s chest, feel their arms around him, but even still he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It wasn’t his place.

It didn’t matter how willing the two were to assist him when needed, to give him their affection, to… tell him that they loved him, Logan knew he had to keep his distance. If not for their sake, then for his own. He had walls built up for a reason after all, even if Roman and Patton were impeccable at tearing them down.

By the time his tears had slowed to nothing, Logan was exhausted—emotionally and physically. Quite honestly, he felt if he never experienced another emotion again it would be too soon; this was far too many tears for one person in one day, especially when that person was him.

Logan pulled his head up from his knees, glancing up at the concerned faces of his friends.

He wasn’t pleased to see Patton’s were eyes big and wet, like he was struggling to hold back his own tears. There was a smile plastered on his face but Logan knew from experience he couldn’t trust it’s sincerity. Roman, on the other hand, looked distant—his eyes unfocused and gazing at the ground beneath him like it held the key to the universe. Logan’s stomach clenched.

He never wanted to cause any distress, he just wanted… God, he didn’t even know what he wanted anymore. Safety. Control. Something.

“You feeling any better, Lo?” Patton asked, tilting his head to the side in question.

Logan took a moment to consider this—because, really, Patton’s queries usually required at least a degree of contemplation and any less was doing him a disservice. Did he feel better? He certainly felt more drained, but that aching, lost feeling in his chest hadn’t gone away.

“Quite honestly, Patton? No. Not really.”

“Well, you’re grieving, Logan,” Roman said softly, taking Logan’s hands in his—and no, he absolutely was not blushing, that was just the lighting of the room—“It’s not going to be quite as simple as…”

Logan glanced down at his hands in Roman’s for a second and his entire body froze.

The emotions he felt in that moment were reminiscent of how he would imagine a final voyage on the Titanic to feel—trying to stay afloat in icy water and realising, with a sort of existential dread that’s impossible to replicate, that his holiday wasn’t exactly going how he’d planned. And this, to understate it, was not going exactly how he’d planned.

He was aware of the fact that Roman was still talking, but his words were lost to Logan because the only thing he could focus on were those fucking flowers. Those fucking flowers that had absolutely no right being on Roman’s wrist when he saw them mirrored so perfectly on his own.

“Roman. What is that?” Logan’s voice was stiff and sharp and he wasn’t sure if he was breathing anymore but did it truly matter? Roman had his soulmark.

Roman glanced down at where Logan was staring so intently.

“Oh.” There was a slow intake of breath and the sound echoed over and over in Logan’s mind, Roman’s words the only thing he could grasp onto in the shock of this revelation. “...that’s what we came here to talk to you about, teach.”

He blinked, trying his hardest to process but coming up blank. “Bu- but you don’t-”

“We didn’t, before this morning, no.” Roman laughed a little self deprecatingly and rubbed at the back of his neck. Logan felt his entire body flush hot.

“We?”

Patton pressed a gentle hand to Logan’s cheek, tilting his head until he was looking Patton in the eyes though truthfully, Logan wasn’t seeing any of what was in front of him anymore. Everything was a blur— shapes and colours and emotions mixing into one as he struggled to keep himself from shaking. He was failing.

Patton rubbed his thumb along Logan’s cheek—another grounding motion. “Yeah, Lo. We.”

Logan directed his gaze to the arm Patton held up for him, and for a moment he could do nothing but take it in, gaze tracing the thin outlines of the flowers he found there. They were beautiful. He hadn’t allowed himself to examine them—fear overwhelming his rational nature—but now he couldn’t stop.

Then the consequences of that information sunk in.

He had soulmates. Patton and Roman were his soulmates.

Suddenly it was all too much—the kind eyes and gentle touches overwhelming in the best possible way, his skin flushed and eyes squeezed shut as he flinched away from the contact he so desperately craved.

He wanted everything. He wanted warm hugs and forehead kisses and holding hands as they walk along the street. He wanted celebratory dinners after each of Roman’s shows. He wanted study sessions with Patton as he made up silly mnemonics to remember the information. He wanted to take them to bookstores, to coffee shops, to all his favourite, most comforting places because he wanted to share the things he loved with the people he…

He wanted to feel okay surrounded by the love the other two were pouring out to him, he wanted it so badly.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t know how to let himself.

He pushed Patton’s hand away, moving to stand but Roman placed a hand on his shoulder before he could.

“Logan, wait!” he pleaded, and Logan felt his heart ache at the look of panic on Roman’s face, “Look, I know this isn’t the same, but I- uh, I understand how much parents can negatively influence your view on soulmates.”

Logan’s expression softened slightly. Roman had always steadfastly avoided the subject of his parents, always brushing it off whenever the topic came up (which, granted, wasn’t very often), so despite every inch of his body screaming that he should run, Logan silently leant back against the wall. If Roman was going to open up, then Logan recognised it was his time to listen.

“You know that I’ve always loved the concept of soulmates, and it is because I think they’re amazing and exciting, but um…” Roman inhaled deeply. “It’s also ‘cause my parents weren’t around a whole lot—still aren’t actually. They’re too busy being in love, going on vacations and going out to bars and leaving me at home alone.”

Roman began picking at the skin around his thumb, diverting his eyes away from Logan’s sympathetic gaze.

“And I thought,” Roman continued with a weak smile, “that maybe if I could have a soulmate too then I could have that kind of love. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so alone.”

Patton leant over Logan to place a hand on his boyfriend’s leg, pressing his side up against him. Logan wouldn’t lie and say he didn’t feel a bit boxed in by the two of them, but he also wouldn’t lie and say that he minded all that much.

“But I have Patton now!” Roman grinned brightly despite his clear emotional distress, glancing over at his boyfriend. “And I have you. And, shit, you are so important to me, Lo. You always listen to me, even when you’re pretending you’re not, you’re always willing to help me if I’m having trouble with something and you never ever act like I’m stupid, even though you very easily could.”

Roman sighed, closing his eyes before opening them again, all of the relief and joy at finding that Logan was his soulmate channelled into one look.

“And you… believe in me. Not the way Patton does—Patton’s belief is unconditional, even when I don’t deserve it—but you truly believe in me based on my skills and my work ethic and… I don’t know. That just… it means a lot. You have no idea the courage and determination it brings me knowing you think I have the power to succeed. I wouldn’t have been able to do so many of the things I’ve done if I hadn’t gone into it with the certainty that you give me.”

Logan blinked, absolutely stunned. “Of course, I believe in you, Roman. You’re an incredibly capable individual with a drive to be envious of.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Roman chuckled, turning away to hide his tears.

With only a moment’s hesitation, Logan placed his hand on Roman’s thigh. He could hear a soft, happy sound from Patton beside him as Roman glanced up, eyes wide. The look Roman was giving him was vulnerable, but full of absolute trust and adoration and Logan wasn’t sure what he had ever done to deserve the feelings either of them had towards him, but he only wished, someday, to be able to repay them for that.

“No, I know so.”

“Logan.” Logan whipped his head around to look at Patton. He had tear tracks down his face but his expression was still set in a big grin—the type of smile that generally would have been reserved for Roman, but instead was directed at him. A smile that Logan was almost certain was real. “You didn’t think we just woke up this morning with soulmarks and decided we were gonna fall in love with you, did you?”

Logan didn’t reply. Truthfully, he wasn’t exactly sure what he had thought. The idea of the two of them being as in love with him as he was with them had seemed absolutely inconceivable, the kind of thing he wouldn’t let himself think about for fear of heartbreak or even worse… hope.

Patton’s bright grin softened to nothing more than a quirk of his lips and an affectionate gaze. “We already loved you, Logan, far before the universe told us we should, and we would have asked you the same regardless. Our feelings would have been the same. The soulmark doesn’t create the feelings—we do. And we love you.”

“I… I love you too. Both of you. Of course, I do. But I-” Logan took a steadying breath, biting at his bottom lip. “I’m… afraid.”

Being afraid wasn’t nearly the worst thing he had admitted to that afternoon but even still Logan felt his body tensing up. He wasn’t used to this, to being able to put his trust in another human being, being able to admit his true feelings and not panic at the thought that he would be making a mistake, but he really did trust them. They’d earned that trust through years and years of patience and kindness and it was about time that Logan showed them that.

Roman appeared openly shocked at Logan’s words, but Patton just gave him a teary smile. “And that’s okay. Cause we’re gonna work all of this out together, yeah?”

He nodded, trying to keep his breathing steady. He couldn’t have cried again even if he’d wanted to; he didn’t have it in him. The urge to rest his body against them, let them calm him and keep him grounded was growing exponentially so Logan braced himself before speaking again.

“Could I…” He laughed—breathy and self-deprecating. He’d just confessed his love to them and yet he still struggled to ask for one simple thing. “…Could I have a hug?”

In less than a second Roman and Patton had thrown themselves on top of him and Logan wrapped his arms around them as best he could, burying his face into Roman’s shoulder. He breathed it all in, enveloped himself in the love and warmth he felt radiating from his soulmates.

There was a lot the three of them still had to discuss—there were families to worry about and schoolmates and bullies and relationship statuses—but right now all Logan could think was how safe he felt. He knew he should still be concerned, should be planning ahead and keeping them out of trouble, but he could do that later. Right now, he relaxed completely into his soulmates’ embrace and let himself breathe.

He was going to be okay.

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Chapter 8

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Tag list: @bunny222 @jadedfantasies231 @221b-quote @reinefandoms @i-really-dig-the-purple @bionic-egypt @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @mistress-jinx09 @soijusthavetoask @marshmallow-the-panda @the-writersblock @theunoriginaldaisy @therubyjailcell @sandersfandersblog @hghrules @that-smol-tired-gay @sanders-sides-stuff @inan-sanders @frogdog145 @follow-pheonix-inside

General tag list: @mutechild @super-magical-wizard

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #lamp/calm #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #lo can write #as always ao3 chapter won't be up until later

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carrotwine4captainhops · 6 years ago

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Major Character Death as a creative writing tool

I’ve always been interested in the craft of writing. I’ve been mulling over the way Major Character Death is used as a tool in fiction for awhile, and after watching the extremely problematic death of Quentin Coldwater, (and the self-congratulatory responses of the show’s producers who apparently believe they invented the concept) I thought I’d give you the the high school level compare and contrast MCD essay you didn’t really need or want.

Before I start, I want to be clear that MCD as a tool is not a bad thing by itself. Many, many fiction authors use it in a very calculated way, and as long as it serves the story well, they’re doing their job. Many essays and books about the craft of writing discuss its use because it is just another tool in the creative writer’s tool box. When done well, it makes you cry in a good way; when done badly, the death feels like a cheap gimmick to force an emotion without doing much work as a story teller. The latter is definitely what happened with the season finale of The Magicians.

If season 4 of the magicians had been a novel, it would have been sent back for major revisions before publication.

The first MCD that came to mind while watching the season 4 finale of The Magicians, wasn’t technically an MCD, but may as well be: the ending of the Golden Compass trilogy. The two protagonists have recently fallen in love, and make the difficult decision to return to never see each other again as a way to save the multiverse from the damage caused by traveling between worlds. They won’t even be able to contact each other, and will have to live out their lives as if the other had died.

It was incredibly painful to read (it’s the first book I cried over), but it was beautifully written and a very logical conclusion that the author set up from book one. The books are about (among many other things) the failures of adults and authority when they make selfish decisions, and by choosing to put the health of the universe above their own happiness, they made the bravest, most adult decision they could. It’s a message about the hope that younger generations can fix the things that their predecessors broke if they’re brave enough. The Magicians almost had a similar message.

The second MCD I thought of was that of “Wash” from Firefly. Like a lot of other fans of the show, I got angry at this death in the movie Serenity (essentially the series finale of the TV show). Wash was the comedic relief and voice of optimism in a dark and dystopic show. While Quentin was clinically depressed, and, in the words of Margo Hanson, ”moderately socially maladjusted”, he also acted as the voice of hope to his peers. Both characters were the emotional core of their shows, which was a big reason why they were chosen by their perspective creators as the deaths that would be most felt by the audience. They both got a funeral scene, to really drive home how much the other characters (and by extension, the audience) would be impacted by their death.

In Wash’s case, having his death be accidental impalement during a crash didn’t feel entirely satisfying or necessary. It felt like a lazy way to make the audience sad and motivate the rest of the characters to Really Get That Baddie… BUT, this cheapness is balanced by the symbolism of an outlaw pilot literally dying at the helm of the ship he loved while trying to save the world. It also didn’t send any problematic messages to the audience. Wash was not the protagonist or a “self-insert” the way Quentin was; he wasn’t suicidal or part of an underserved minority group (and make no mistake, by making Quentin sexually fluid/bisexual, the producers signed themselves up for a more thoughtful treatment of his death, if it had to happen.)

The message from Wash’s death is one that is very familiar to readers of genre fiction MCDs: simply: “not everyone lives” and “people who put themselves in high-risk situations sometimes die”. Both of which are painful but fair messages to absorb.

This same tactic was used again by Whedon with Agent Coulson in The Avengers. As an optimistic “plot-armor-free” side character who had become a fan favorite, he was given an entire arc in the movie that the audience wasn’t expecting, made to be even more loveable, and then killed off in a long emotional death scene which was then used in the third act turning point of the movie. Whedon made it clear in interviews that the whole death was coldly calculated to squeeze emotion from the audience, and up the stakes in a way that a large body count couldn’t. It upset a lot of fans, it wasn’t perfect, but it was well done and fitting for the narrative and made the movie stronger, and, again, he wasn’t a member of a minority group. (And as a side note, a different creative team knew how popular Coulson was and managed to resurrect him for his own TV show and managed to do it in a way that wasn’t flip-his resurrection had consequences that lasted at least until season 5, the current season).

There is no mitigating balance to Quentin’s death. He was suicidal from day one of the series, and he left via (a purposefully plausible) suicide. His first question, once he realizes he’s dead, is not, “Did the plan work?” or “is Eliot OK?” (the friend he’d been working so hard all season to save) or even “is Julia/Alice/Josh/all my other friends ok?” These are questions that would be plausible and fitting in a character who’s journey has about helping friends and the world out of tough situations. But no, the first thing he asks is “did I finally kill myself?”

With one sentence, his character returned to the self-centered, timid, low-confidence, suicidal mess he’d been established as within five minutes of the show’s pilot. He had no self-realization until after watching his own funeral, at which point he happily and peacefully goes to heaven. At best, that’s heavy-handed symbolism. At worst, it’s erasing all of his character growth and making his entire story pointless, while sending the very dangerous message to the audience.

The writers stated in interviews that they made his death all about suicide on purpose, and now (as of this writing) they continue to refuse to grapple with how problematic that is.

Another MCD that seemed to do the same thing was Tris from the Divergent series. Like Quentin, she was the protagonist. Also similar to Quentin, her arc was almost too on the nose: she was born into a clan literally named “Abnegation” and indoctrinated from birth to sacrifice herself for her community. She wasn’t even allowed to look into mirrors in case she caught even a smidgen of self-regard. And how does her story end? By her sacrificing her life to get the “big baddie” and save her friends and family.

Like Quentin’s death, a lot of her character growth appeared to be erased in the last few chapters of the book. Prior to Book 3, Tris had been learning to question her upbringing, to think for herself, that it’s ok to look for happiness for oneself, and that selfishness takes many forms, not all of them bad. When she makes the decision to kill herself in the end, it left a bad taste in my mouth. The plot didn’t require her death, (for example, there were other characters who could have gone in her place, and as a leader at that point, the more difficult decision probably would have been to send someone else on that mission and learn to live with the guilt). Her death and the manner of it, seemed to say, “just kidding, actually the only way to realize your self-worth is to is sacrifice your happiness and entire self for your community.”

Sound familiar?

Quentin Coldwater was just starting to learn (and because he had an audience, to teach) many of these same things. For three and a half seasons, we see him form strong friendships (when he thought he couldn’t); help people (when he thought he was useless), pursue romantic relationships (when he thought no one could love him); he lives an entire lifetime with Eliot during a quest on alternate timeline, where he’s shown having to make the difficult decision every day, to stay alive, to keep working on the tedious and almost hopeless task of completing the puzzle to finish a quest, and then it turns out that the answer to the puzzle all along WAS that daily struggle. Later, in season 4, he tells us that he hopes to be a dad (again) someday; he shows more and more confidence in his magical abilities every season. All of that was erased by the way his death was written.

Even with the uneven messaging of Tris’ death, there is at least lots of room for interpretation. I believe the author was trying to show her final sacrifice as a way of reclaiming part of her upbringing that wasn’t toxic. The character went through a rebellious phase during book one, during which she seems to reject all parts of her former life, even the good ones, right after leaving the Abnegation community for the hedonistic clan of Dauntless. It would definitely be good growth for her, as part of self-actualization, to accept the good parts of her upbringing. I don’t necessarily believe that’s the message we get at the end, but we at least have the possibility. Not everyone has reacted negatively to the way Quentin’s death was handled, so maybe there is more possibility of interpretation than what I see. I’m willing to be proven wrong, but nothing I’ve seen from critics or the showrunners statements has yet convinced me.

Another (highly speculative), parallel I couldn’t help but make over the last few days, is between the Magicians showrunners’s treatment of this MCD and Joss Whedon of a decade ago. His recent fall from grace has finally allowed more critical examination of his past works, but I remember how, at his peak, he could do no wrong. He was the voice of hollywood feminism. He was lauded by critics, peers, and fans. Any voice that questioned him was mocked, dismissed, and even harassed. Anyone else remember when critics call “Dollhouse” a feminist show? None of that has not aged well, has it?

The Magicians producers, riding high off of critical acclaim of Quentin’s homosexual romance in Season 3x05, had ample chance to make the braver choice: to allow a queer suicidal boy make the choice to keep fighting every day despite how hard it was; To break rank with 99% of other TV shows and allow his homosexual romance to be explored and given the same consideration as the hetersexual romances. Instead, they made him kill himself and be happy about it, literally saying in interviews that he had nothing left to live for. Without even addressing his feelings for Eliot. They buried yet another gay, all in the name of a shock-value gimmick, and they think they’re being “revolutionary” and that anyone critical of their choices is “just sad”.

There are about a thousand different ways season 4 could have gone that would have made the writers’ intended message less problematic, more impactful, and more satisfying, and none of them involve a MCD OR a trite “happily ever after”. Consider, for example, that Zelda could have completed her redemption arc in some kind of sacrifice similar to quentin’s. Everett was much more her “big baddie” than he was Quentin’s, it’s just strange that she never got to really confront her mentor-turned-enemy. Consider that, since Quentin’s main focus and motivation all season was to get Eliot back, that he actually succeeds, but, their reunion and relationship is strained. If we must push this idea that “magic comes from pain”, think how much more painful it would be to be to have Eliot finally confess his love to Quentin, but now Quentin is unable to pursue that relationship because of all the trauma he’s suffered at the hands of Eliot’s possessed body all season. Consider that he finally breaks under the strain and excuses himself from further questing, which would easily allow Julia, Kady, or Alice to get more screentime. (I mean, this is just stuff off the top of my head. For a hundred other ideas, check out Archive of Our Own).

They did just about everything wrong with this particular major character death, and I don’t think their choice is going to age well in the years to come.

#cw: suicide #cw: self harm #the magicians #spoilers #season 4 #meta analysis #writing about writing #words about words #major character death #quentin coldwater #bury your gays

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hogbullpup · 5 years ago

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Ruminations-life, love, relationships

For the past nine months I haven’t been pursuing a boyfriend or boyfriends until either 1, my mental health improves, 2, I can move on from being a part-time caregiver for my mom and let my brother take over, 3, I can find a better job/career, or all of the above, but I’ve been feeling so lonely lately that I’m wondering if I should just say “fuck it” and get back on both growlr and twitter. Still, I feel like I haven’t gotten out a lot of my own thoughts about my personal shortcomings in my last relationship and other concerns before pursuing another one, and this is as good a place as any as no one’s really here anymore, so long story incoming...

About 6 years ago, after coming out as a proud lover of large, hefty men I started exploring chub/gainer communities around in the area and after a while found a big fella who ended up becoming my best friend, whom I’ll call C. We bonded very quickly; after a while we were hanging out once a week consistently and I soon developed feelings for him.

Around the time C and I were hanging out and bonding, my dad was diagnosed with stage four bladder cancer and 3.5 years ago passed away. 6 or so months after that C asked if I wanted us to be more than just friends, but I put him off because I was in a bad mental state, partly from my dad's brutal battle with cancer and partly from my own insecurities. This hurt C far more than I knew at the time, and I still don’t forgive myself for causing him that much pain.

Early 2018

Some time later, March 2018, I told C I was being dumb and that I loved him deeply, and we started dating, but he told me that in that time he had discovered the pup community and found a sir/handler, S, who was moving to the area soon with his other 2 pups. I on the other hand in that time had been looking for community with the Seattle bears and chubs, however I felt their scene was kind of cliquey, financially discriminatory, and on occasion racist (despite how physically attractive I found a lot of them--this was really frustrating for someone who is only attracted to bigger, fluffier men).

So in the first couple months of C and my relationship I started exploring the pup scene/fetish online and in a couple of gatherings, and enjoyed a lot of what I saw, but it also left me with more questions than answers (turns out I'm far more switch than dom) and C certainly couldn't answer all of them given the fact that he was still a very new puppy. He specifically admitted that the details of our relationship became harder because I wanted to explore pup play, but at the same time wasn't at all sympathetic because I was partly exploring pup play just because he was into it, which he really didn't like (I also lied about this which still makes me feel sick, and danced around the issue instead of just being honest and saying "babe I just wanted to explore and be involved in the things you like"). This became even harder for me because C was being quickly welcomed into S's family, and got his collar soon after they moved to the area. I didn't want at all to intrude on their family because it would be psycho rude and I didn't even know any of them, but I was also deeply protective of C at the same time, and didn’t know how to handle my insecurities. I wish I had the emotional knowledge then that I do now. Starting to date C was a big change for me going from open-but-committed to my first poly relationship, so I was upset that I couldn't explore poly WITH C. It didn't seem fair.

Jealousy took over and I started telling C that I might want to pursue a family like S had, because if he was able to build a family exclusively of cute, chub pups than so could I. C cautioned me that S got very lucky compared to most, and that the likelihood of me being able to find a few gay partners all of the chubby variety and all of whom are compatible was very unlikely, and even if possible would take years (but, to my frustration, he would never give me a clear NO). While this sat heavy with me and I knew he was most likely right, it didn't help with my feelings of complete helplessness and isolation in my situation. I continued to ruminate. A big part of it that I fully regret and admit to is jealousy, and I had no idea before this whole situation that I was such a jealous person. But there was also massive anxiety--the feeling that there was nothing I could do, a feeling I don't handle that feeling very well, and I think it made my jealousy worse.

So instead of being patient, exploring pup play, enjoying the chub/chaser relationship I had with C, and just seeing how things went, I BADGERED C for some 7-8 weeks with impossible questions like...

"how would dom (me) and sub (him) pup interactions work given the fact he already has a handler?"

or "how can we ever belong to a larger family unit together (this was a big one for me) if your family is full," (I wasn’t his handler’s type anyway. He likes big chubs like I do so deep down I knew this was putting pressure on C to expand our relationship without asking if that was ok first),

or "what if in my explorations I discover I want want to be a handler or just part of a larger family, and somehow want you to be a part of that with me together without stepping on your handler's toes? How will that be possible?" (I knew C was an introvert and probably wouldn’t really have the energy/time to put into another complex relationship like that with me).

I knew that these questions were impossible to answer but still I continued to harass him, even though C told me on multiple occasions I was stressing him out and needed to back off and handle my jealousy and insecurities ("jealousy is poison in poly relationships", he said, and wasn't wrong). And in Fall, after a heated argument, he requested we take a 1 month break, which I spent learning to meditate and mitigate my anxiety and insecurities, while also begging fate for us to be able to stay together. When we met back up, I made my case that I was working hard to overcome anxiety and jealousy, but he told me the damage had been done. I was crushed.

Late 2018

After we broke up I continued to pursue meditation, but to be completely honest it barely kept the anxiety at bay and eventually I just gave up. I lost sleep over losing C for some 5 months, unable to clear my head of all those unanswerable questions for at least 2 hours most nights before falling asleep. I had lost both my best friend and lover, and at the time he was still rooming with my gaming friends and it was awkward for me to hang out, so I just felt alone, which is, without doubt, my one driving fear and what I wanted to avoid at all possible costs.

I remember thinking over and over again that I wished I had never put C off in the first place and had admitted my feelings to him sooner, but at the same time wouldn't have wanted anything to change as far as him meeting S and family. I just wanted things to somehow work between us as I explored what it meant for me to be poly.

Nov-Feb

In the months following our breakup I fought to recover from these feelings of loneliness by STILL continuing to attending pup social events and even a mosh (though I didn't participate in the mosh). It was hard when I would see S and his three pups show up, and I had to fight off nagging bad thoughts every time it happened. Still, I met a couple of very nice chubby pups who I bonded with and became friends. Sadly, despite liking both of them, one couldn't afford to live in Seattle anymore and moved back to Wisconsin, and the other (whom I really liked but was too damaged from my breakup to pursue) got adopted by a couple of husbands and moved just outside of Milwaukee with them. It felt like the universe was picking on me for my fear of being left out or rejected. I was alone again.

Somehow I persisted and survived, but my memories of the few months after that are such a dull blur I'm not sure I was even alive at the time. C and I are good friends again and I have a core group of friends (including him) who I feel close to and game with about once every 2 weeks. I still love him a lot but he's not looking for anything and I need to moderate my attraction to him. Also, time I spend hanging out with him is time I'm not spending looking for a big partner to call my own so I feel weird sometimes when I play around with him and my feelings are so fucking strong. I would like to find a guy I have that connection with who also wants to live together. It's depressing how hard something that simple is to find.

Anyways this has gone on for far too long, but I needed to write down my ruminations somewhere and also double down on goals and reminders for future relationships so I don't make the same mistakes I did before:

-If I'm attracted to a guy as much as I was attracted to C, I need to remember and understand that there probably will be major consequences to putting them off, even if it's for my own comfort.

-If a guy asks me to give him space, legitimately do it, and don't be actively looking for the next opportunity to talk about difficult things.

-If I date a man and he has a master or another family, I need to be happy for him, and not try to follow in his path, unless that's something he would enjoy/welcome (C didn’t, and I didn’t want to accept that). But also emphasize that a family like that is what I’m looking for and ask him to be gentle/supportive with me while I pursue it.

-If I date a man with a master, I need to be patient, respectful, and willing to communicate with him at his pace. After a while I can hopefully ask if I can work to earn the handler/master’s trust to not have to ask permission to do most things with my partner. If that option isn’t available, then it’s probably not the relationship for me.

-Accept that large men who are happy being large and soft are few and far between, and finding one into me is going to take significantly longer than a typical gay relationship, and that if I'm not out there looking, the few opportunities that are there are going to come and go.

-Learn to balance being flexible with knowing my limits, and knowing when to put my foot down. I honestly should have been the first to cut my relationship off with C because he didn't want his partners to cross or for sexual experiences in one bedroom to be shared in the other's bedroom. And right away that should have been a huge warning sign for me because that's something that's very important to me in a poly relationship (though at the time I was very new to poly so that was the first time I discovered what I wanted). I think I partly held on to him so hard because, other than my emotional feelings for him (which built up over some 3+years), there just aren't that many 300+lb non-judgmental guys who are going to find me as attractive as I find them. Regardless, no matter how many boxes a guy ticks for me, if something bugs me that much then I need to not settle.

-Patience. Patience. Patience. I need to learn to relax. It's possible that everything between C and I would have worked out if I'd just been patient. Perhaps not, but I'll never know how much I can accomplish with patience unless I try.

Well, I guess it's time to get back on growlr, dig up my old twitter, and hope for the best.

#chubbychaser #humanpuppy #life is hard #gay relationship #ruminations

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an-honest-fangirl · 6 years ago

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Got Red in My Ledger

So, I saw Endgame last night. And while there are definitely some things that annoy me and anger me, Natasha’s “endgame” wasn’t one of them. It makes sense to me as a culmination of her arc that started back in the first Avengers. And honestly, it’s kinda beautiful.

Or: I write a 1200 word meta that goes through all of Natasha’s movies because I have Thoughts right now and need to get them out of my head. Tagged for spoilers, but also putting it all under a cut because again, long, but also so nothing slips through.

The one line that I always see when the Marvel credits play is “I got red in my ledger.” Honestly, it’s one of my favorite lines in the franchise and is definitely my favorite part of the first Avengers movie. I never saw Iron Man 2, so Avengers was my first introduction to Natasha as a character. And in that movie, we’re presented with a very capable spy who smiles and demures and uses the perception that others have of her to her advantage.

But that all breaks the second that Coulson says that Clint is in trouble. Natasha absolutely freezes in what could only be described as a moment of panic and fear before she seals that all away again and focuses on getting the job done. There is a chink in Natasha’s armor; a small one, yes, but it’s there. There’s red in Natasha’s ledger. Not just red blood, like Loki says, but in terms of owing Clint. She owes him her life, in more ways than one, and she still needs to balance that scale. It’s not all about repaying Clint, though. Once Clint is back on the side of good, Natasha is still ready to fight and throw herself into the thick of things. Which, according to Clint, is very out of character. As he says, she’s a spy. Not a solider. But Natasha senses and knows that whatever is happening with Loki and the Avengers is Bigger. Bigger than her and what she usually stands for and operates by, and she can’t just stand on the sides and watch it happen when she can fight for it. Moving on to Winter Solider. Natasha is still largely the same closed off persona that we saw in Avengers. Again, she’s very competent and deflects most attempts to get closer to her. However, the chinks in her armor are growing. It’s not just Clint anymore. It’s Fury. It’s Steve. She’s caring for more people and gaining their trust and learning to trust them in return. She’s the one who releases the Shield files online. And as Pierce warns her, there’s a lot of bad things about her in those files. But Natasha releases them anyway, without any indication of hesitation or regret. She’s exposing secrets to the world instead of hiding them, and that includes the red in her ledger. Openly admitting and acknowledging past mistakes is often the first step towards being able to move on and atone for them, and that’s what she does here. Age of Ultron is... what it is. But we do get to see more of what’s motivating and driving Natasha. Due to her past and her upbringing and her violent life, she sees herself as a monster. Someone inherently evil, who should be feared and reviled and is useful in certain situations, but could never be a hero like the rest of the team. Even as she tries to open up more, to the rest of the team as a whole but also specifically to Bruce in a romantic sense, there’s this lingering fear and doubt in the back of her mind as to whether or not she really belongs there. Wanda’s visions remind Natasha of who she was, not who she is in the moment or was in the process of becoming. Because Natasha is already a self-sacrificing hero. I also see people saying that her forcing Bruce to hulk out is her embracing the more monstrous sides of herself, but I really don’t think that’s right. The monstrous thing would have been to run away with Bruce, to selfishly put her own happiness in front of the greater good at a time when her team desperately needed her to stay and help them. There’s a sense of pragmatism here still, yes, but it’s still a fundamentally heroic action. She’s more pragmatic in Civil War. Her main argument for supporting the Accords is that doing so will make it easier to mitigate and shape into something that everyone can work with. Bow your head and go along with it for now, and fix things once the calls for blood have died down. It’s very pragmatic, and honestly probably the most intelligent position someone takes in that movie. I also imagine that there’s more than a little relief at the idea of having someone else watch and check over her actions. She trusted Shield to be the Good Guys and do the right thing, and they ended up being Hydra. The Accords would give oversight, help ensure that what happened to Shield (a fundamentally good organization and idea that was eventually corrupted and turned evil from the inside out) won’t happen to the Avengers. But when the time calls for it, Natasha still does the right thing. She follows her conscience and trusts in Steve and lets him go. Despite the Accords. Despite the pragmatism that had largely defined her all movie. She does what she feels is right, again with no real thought as to the consequences to herself. Infinity War didn’t really have any meaningful scenes or development with her so I’ll skip straight to Endgame. Natasha stays. She stays an Avenger, monitoring not only Earth, but also other parts of the galaxy. She stays because there’s no one else to do it, because she knew that the Avengers were helping her grow and improve and change for the better as a person and she was terrified of losing that.

She’s openly emotional and grieving in front of people. Not just Steve and Clint who it’s already been established that she was close to, but also to Rhodey, someone who she hasn't really had a lot of screen time with. She no longer deflects any and all attempts to break through her outer armor. It arguably isn’t even there anymore. She’s the one who is able to reach out to Clint when he’s at his lowest point, offering him the same help and understanding and trust that he offered her when he first recruited her to Shield. It’s a role reversal, and one that perfectly encapsulates just how much Natasha has grown since that moment.

As soon as I saw both of them going to Vormir, I knew that we were going to lose one of them. I knew, in my gut, that we were going to lose Natasha. And not just because Clint had a dusted family that he was fighting for whereas Natasha “technically” had no one. (As if the entire Avengers wasn’t her family and her home and her heart.) “I got red in my ledger” also repeated in my head in a loop. Natasha had already committed selfless acts, but this would be the final one. The Big One. One that she was at peace with and accepted and chose willingly without any hesitation. This sacrifice would give Clint his family back, finally repay him for the gift that he had given her so many years before. That debt would be wiped clean. Except that it wasn’t just about repaying a debt. It was an act of love. Pure, clean, simple, willing love.

Natasha didn’t die a spy or a killer or a tool for some evil organization.

Natasha died a friend, a family member, an Avenger.

A hero.

#avengers endgame #endgame spoilers #natasha romanoff #wow this got long #my meta

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artemispanthar · 7 years ago

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Do u think PD is evil? In my opinion it was misguided attempt to free the earth.

Oh, no, I don’t think she’s evil at all. I think she was maybe a bit selfish, ignorant, often a little insensitive, but ultimately well-intentioned. So far, we have no reason to believe the motivations for the rebellion aren’t the same. Here’s the official manifesto of Rose Quartz:

Fight for life on the planet Earth,Defend all human beings, even the ones that you don't understand,Believe in love that is out of anyone's control,And then risk everything for it!

These are not evil motivations, they’re pretty dang good motivations. Additionally, the idea that Gems should be free to decide their own purpose is also a good motivation.

Rose Quartz (Pink Diamond) fell in love with the Earth and the concept of growth and change, this led to her realizing that Gems, too, have the capacity to grow and change and decide who they want to be, this led to rallying Gems and convincing them of this fact, and trying to push the Diamonds away from colonizing the Earth with the idea that this would A) save the life on Earth and B) provide a place for Gems to be free of Diamond rule.

As Greg said, though, there’s no such thing as a good war. While Pink’s decision was perhaps not the best or wisest option, I’d wager any option was going to have dire consequences.

It’s unlikely that even being direct wouldn’t have convinced the Diamonds not to colonize Earth. Remember, after the rebellion Gems entered Era 2, which severely lacks resources, resulting in things like Peridot being smaller with no powers (or so she thought). Gems need to harvest planets in order to continue their species, giving up a planet means taking resources they need away. In “Your Mother and Mine,” Garnet describes a conversation between Rose and Pink (most likely actually between Pink and Yellow and/or Blue) where Rose asks that they leave Earth and spare the organic life there and Pink laughs, saying “You wish to save these lifeforms at the expense of our own?” If Pink didn’t want to colonize Earth, Yellow or Blue would’ve just taken over.

Pink could’ve led a war against Homeworld to free Earth, and that might’ve worked, but it’s unlikely that Pink could win against either Yellow or Blue by themselves and both of them would’ve been against her.

Pink might’ve had her Earth army, but that would go ahead the idea that Gems should be able to choose who they are and what they fight for, she’d just be another Diamond commanding her troops to die for a cause they don’t really have a passion for. By contrast, Rose convinced Gems to fight for the Crystal Gems by getting them to believe they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. They were fighting because they believed in their cause.

Now, maybe Pink could’ve convinced Gems of that fact as well, but I don’t think so. Diamonds are elite Gems, by Homeworld society Diamonds are unique and can do whatever they want while all Gems below them are made to serve them. A Diamond preaching that you can be whatever you want to be is disingenuous and comes from elite privilege and some Gems may’ve just played along because it’s what their Diamond wanted. But the same idea coming from a lower-ranked Gem is a lot more believable. Bismuth is one of the most passionate Crystal Gems, she hardcore believed in the cause, and a big reason for that is because she was so amazed at the idea of a Quartz Gem deciding to be different. I think the message wouldn’t have resonated nearly as much with her if it were just a Diamond preaching it.

I do certainly think Pink was misguided. She’s very much designed to look like a child. We’re first really introduced to her through Stevonnie, two children, in a sequence where Yellow is portrayed as Connie’s mother while Stevonnie (as Pink) is whining and complaining like a petulant child. That’s intentional for a lot of reasons, it puts us in the mind to understand both her more childish actions and understand that she really isn’t respected by the other Diamonds which makes it that much harder for her to get them to understand and she was likely very intimidated to even try, as children often are. “Rose Quartz shattered Pink” was kind of the “dog ate my homework” of an excuse, trying to deflect blame, duck out of responsibility, but often motivated by anxiety and fear and the belief that the real reason they don’t have their homework will be met with anger or dismissive disappointment. It comes from feeling powerless in a way that’s very specific to childhood, I think.

Blue told Pink that “As long as you’re there to rule, this colony will be completed” and ran with it, even though with mature thought one could understand she didn’t literally mean if Pink were removed everything would just be fine. Pink absolutely severely underestimated how much Blue and Yellow cared about her and how enraged they’d be at her shattering. I don’t think Pink was entirely naive about the horrors of war, though. It seems most likely that the memory at the end of “Rose’s Scabbard” takes place shortly before Pink’s “shattering” and Rose was very serious in it. But I think she certainly didn’t expect them to be as upset as they were. Rose seemed to know to shield against the Diamond’s attack, so it seems like Pink knew they were capable of doing that but perhaps thought they’d never actually do it (or, maybe, thought they wouldn’t be able to if she weren’t there?)

Though it’s also worth mentioning that Pink wasn’t just ducking responsibility. If she truly just wanted to run away from her problems, she could’ve had Pearl take the blame for the shattering or had Pearl disguise herself as some other unrelated Gem. But she specifically had Rose Quartz be the one who “shattered” Pink Diamond, likely with the belief that she’d bear the brunt of the consequences (and she kind of did, but mostly now as Steven). So even if some of her motivations were selfish or misguided, she wasn’t just trying to do what was best for her. I’d say she mostly just severely underestimated how much collateral damage would happen to everyone else around her.

I think gagging Pearl was ultimately harmful to her, but I don’t think Pink had malicious intentions at all with it, honestly she was probably trying to be kind (but also a little selfish, too). It’s easier to keep a secret if you literally cannot tell it (and so Pearl could talk as much as she wanted without worrying she’d accidentally blurt it out, since she literally couldn’t). I’d also wager some motivation might have been that if the rebellion failed and/or Pearl was captured, she couldn’t be forced to tell under interrogation and, perhaps, the physical restriction might’ve been an indicator that she was a Diamond’s Pearl and of course couldn’t be involve or, perhaps, that she was ordered by a Gem to be a rebel and thus wasn’t responsible for her actions. Those are just guesses, though, I’m just saying that while I think the gag order did hurt Pearl a lot in the long run, I don’t see it as a purely, intentionally malicious and selfish act

Here’s another important thing, too, the rebellion is often referred to as failed, both in the show and in the fandom, but it wasn’t really, not completely. The Crystal Gems were obliterated, yes, which is really bad, it failed on that front. But had they not driven Homeworld off the planet, all life on Earth would be gone. They would’ve bled Earth dry of its resources and moved on to another planet. All the sacrifices of the Crystal Gems did accomplish the very first point on the manifesto and while that doesn’t mitigate the pain and suffering that ensued, it’s still an important fact to remember.

Of course, you can have good motivations and do your best to do the right thing, but still really hurt people. You can still have, in addition to that, bad or selfish motivations. You can still make big mistakes. Pink was afraid to be honest with people, the Diamonds, her fellow Crystal Gems, even Pearl (the person she was closest with) and it got her bogged down in so many lies and secrets she was inevitably going to hurt everyone eventually.

And I like that, honestly? Showing someone with good intentions can still do some awful, harmful things, that you can keep trying to be a better person and keep screwing up but keep trying. I think it’s important that people understand that it’s not just bad people who hurt people, it’s everyone. Everyone hurts other people in some way eventually, intentionally or unintentionally, with good intentions or bad, and it’s important to know that. Because if you think only bad or evil people can hurt people, what ends up happening if that you, believing yourself to be good, ignore or legitimize the hurt and pain you cause to people because your intentions were good, your motives were pure, etcetc, and you stop trying to be mindful of your effect on people because as a good person you don’t hurt people (or, rather, you don’t hurt other “good” people and anyone who ends up hurt was “bad” anyway), you stop growing and your compassion stagnates.

That’s my take on the whole thing for the time being anyway, certainly going to change and evolve the more we learn about Pink

#steven universe #steven universe spoilers #a single pale rose #a single pale rose spoilers #long post #honestly I'm just kinda rambling my assorted thoughts on Pink here #blah blah wall of text blah blah #animefan2393 #artie talks

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