#i will always always vividly remember all these talks i had with my dad and his artist friends

[drawnecromancy]

Sometimes my dad's friends are kind to me and it beats up the imposter syndrome in my brain a little bit

[sttoru]

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔.

⟣ sypnosis. you had been in your first ever relationship with suguru for a couple months now. neither of you have taken your relationship to the next level; suguru was extremely patient and never brought the topic of sex up until you one day decide you were ready.

⟣ note. first fic for my event :3 i spent way too much time on this fic so it turned out very detailed, long, romantic and fluffy. i hope you all enjoy and appreciate it teehee. this post contains smut, proceed at own risk ! wc: around 6.1k

⟣ tags. soft dom!geto suguru x virgin!female reader. fluff + smut. slow burn. age gap (reader 20-ish, suguru around 29/30), little talks about insecurity, loss of virginity, breast play, edging, teasing, fingering, lots of praise, dirty talk, size difference!, p in v — unprotected (dont b like reader and use protection please), creampie, aftercare, suguru’s really romantic and just a softie for u, suguru being a good ‘dad’ to mimiko and nanako and teeny tiny bits of him secretly being a pervert.

never in a million years had suguru expected his girlfriend to be so upfront about such a big, personal decision. the thought of having you say those words had never crossed his mind.

“can you repeat that for me, sweetheart?”

could you blame him for asking you to clarify the words you’ve uttered? that man has seen you as an oblivious and innocent woman ever since the start of your relationship. of course, unbeknownst to him, your thoughts were anything but that.

you may be a virgin, but your mind was a place for the most lewd and nasty thoughts. it’s just that you’ve been scared of being intimate with a man—it’s frightening, especially when having heard the many online stories about how badly it could hurt. some say that such descriptions were over exaggerating, however your inexperience still lead you to believe everything you’ve read about the topic.

and then you started dating an older man named suguru. you’ve met him by chance at a mall in kyoto and he was the first one who approached the other. you remember how suguru politely asked you for some advice regarding what type of presents he should get for ‘two teenage girls’. of course, you agreed to helping him out and that’s how you two eventually ended up brainstorming about possible ideas in a cozy café.

once seated, chosen drinks in both your hands, you asked the man whether the gifts were meant for his daughters. somehow, that’s the first connection the neurones in your brain had made once suguru told you about the two teenagers he was picking out presents for.

you remember it vividly; the sweet, gentle sound of the laughter that accounted as your answer, the eyes of the then stranger looking rather nostalgic as they stared into the liquid in his cup. suguru responded vaguely; “i guess you could say that, yes.”

that little ‘date’—if you could call it that—ended on a wholesome note. suguru thanked you for your time and made sure that you safely got into the train you needed to take home. he did want to offer you a car ride, however he kept that question to himself since he knew that no woman would voluntarily agree to be taken home by a stranger. even if suguru had the purest of intentions.

there were a couple more dates that followed after that one; all where you both gradually got to know each other better. you’ve found out so much about suguru—the details about his own life being both fascinating and sad at the same time. likewise, suguru had also learned much about you. he always shows great interest in what you tell him, even if it’s a minuscule detail. he remembers it all as well—a feature which caused you to feel funny things in your stomach.

you realised you were catching feelings for that mysterious yet sweet and loving man; it was inevitable. the way he makes you giggle, his respectful and easygoing manner of speaking, the slight touches you two shared on accident.. all of it added to your little crush.

however, you didn’t actually think suguru was falling for you too. you only met up for a few times, plus, you seem out of his league—both due to your age gap and difference in the things you’re pursuing at the time. you were in college, trying to get your degree whilst he already had a job as a powerful leader of an organisation and was trying to achieve one of many goals with them.

there’s not a chance he’d like you, right?

wrong. you were confessed to a couple weeks after your first meeting and have been in a relationship for over 4 months now. it still felt like a dream; having your first boyfriend be such a gentleman. it truly felt like you already met the love of your life whenever he was near.

suguru’s been nothing but sweet and caring to you, has never asked you to engage in any sexual activities nor even ever dared to touch you in places you haven’t consented to. the furthest you’ve gone in terms of intimacy in those four months, were make-out sessions. just some tongue action here and there—adding sprinkles of neck kisses and hickeys.

there were times where you wanted to let things escalate, however you couldn’t bring it upon yourself to ask your lover. suguru wasn’t the person to decide your feelings for you either—if there was no verbal consent coming from your lips, he’s not going any further. even if he wanted to as well.

you were grateful that suguru was that willing to wait for you, no matter how long it might take. not only were you anxious of the possible pain the sex would bring, but it was partially due to the fact that your lover was much more experienced in that field.

what if you were lacking? what if it wasn’t satisfactory enough for him and he’d eventually leave you for it? it’s obvious that suguru wasn’t the type of man to actually do that, however you couldn’t stop the many possibilities from running free in your brain.

your change of mind was rather spontaneous; it was today when you suddenly came up with your final decision. you were staying over at suguru’s, the sun was out and he was sitting on his balcony, reading a book whilst sipping on his coffee. what caught your eye was his bare back and the muscles which were on display to you.

suguru was shirtless and the seams of light were making his skin glisten—the view making your own body hot and bothered. you bit your lip and approached your boyfriend from behind, wrapping your arms around his shoulders before kissing his neck. that skin-to-skin contact made you sure of your decision; you needed him. in more ways than one.

that’s how you ended up saying what you said. the statement left suguru baffled since you uttered it in his ear out of the blue. he couldn’t deny one thing however; the idea certainly did send a shiver of excitement down his spine.

“i said,” you repeat with a little mischievous grin, leaning in closer to your lover once he turned around to face you properly—as if searching for any hints that your words were indeed not his imagination, “i wanna lose my virginity to you.”

it wasn’t. you actually said it—the words that would take your relationship a step further. although, suguru couldn’t help but wonder where your sudden decision came from. his hands found their way to yours and he held onto them like they were two delicate flowers.

“i’m happy to hear that, though i’m curious,” your lover starts off carefully as he places chaste yet soft kisses on your palms, “why so sudden?”

you shrug nonchalantly like you didn’t feel that twinge of nervousness in the back of your mind as you felt suguru’s lips on your skin. ‘it really was happening now, was it?’—that kind of feeling was the cause of your subtle anxiousness.

“well, ehh— you just looked good.. sitting there.. i guess.” you mumble, voice trailing off in embarrassment whilst your eyes darted around the balcony in attempt to avoid suguru’s gaze. your flustered expression and adorable confession makes him laugh gently. it was not a mocking laugh at all—more of an amused one;

“just when i thought you couldn’t get any cuter..” the long-haired man muses, the locks of his bangs grazing ever so slightly against your hands as he keeps holding them, “you never fail to surprise me, do you know that?”

suguru had a way with words that made you weak in the knees. or maybe it’s simply because he’s shirtless and kissing your palms so romantically. you don’t know which one it was.

“but, love,” suguru continues carefully as he stands up, your eyes following his as he towers over you, “are you a hundred percent sure? i don’t want to do anything you aren’t comf—“

“yes.” your answer cut your boyfriend off and he’s left in shock once more. your eyes were filled with determination, yet the faint glint of nervousness in them didn’t escape suguru’s sight. you’ve given your verbal consent and are even the first one to suggest the idea— what more could he ask of you?

there hung a silence between you two, the breeze blowing through suguru’s dark locks making him look even more majestic than he already was. you had no doubt about it; today was going to be the day. it had to be.

“then, if you’d let me have this,” his low voice sounded more sensual than it had ever been as his hand found its place on your cheek, fingertips rubbing against your ear, thumb softly pressing onto your skin—

a slow and romantic kiss followed straight afterwards. it had caught you slightly off guard, even when knowing fully well that this was what you were longing for.

his lips moved in tandem against yours, the soft touch making you feel certain emotions that you hadn’t even thought existed. this man whom you called your lover had never been unable to expose you to new sensations. and soon, he’ll grant you another one. a much pleasurable one.

one arm circled your waist, the other held up, hand on the back of your head to deepen the passion-filled kiss you shared. his lips parted your lightly trembling ones, the tips of your tongues attentively rubbing against one another as if to test the waters; was it fine to go further? are we actually doing this?

you were. it was set in stone as your throat formed soft noises of satisfaction, shaky breaths being exchanged by the two lovers on the balcony—not one of you realising that the weather was changing in the background. the sun was setting, creating the perfect mood for the situation as you were still engrossed by each other’s moves and touches.

it was only for the sake of catching your breath that you had pulled away. your cheeks felt hot, as did your entire body which was still pressed against suguru’s—chest to chest. the proximity was one you both had enjoyed many moments before, however this instant was unlike any other. you both knew as you stared at each other in silence, your quick breaths doing the talking instead.

“will you let me..” the voice of which you have grown to adore spoke to you, the owner grasping your attention once more by holding onto your hand. suguru’s fingers smoothly slid across your skin until they found the puzzle they were meant to complete—that being the gaps between your own fingers. once your hands were tightly intertwined, the man finishes his sentence;

“will you let me love you?”

his face was still close to yours as he uttered those beautiful words to you, warm breath lightly fanning the thin strands of hair on your cheeks to the side, lips subconsciously trying to brush against yours once more. but, they could wait. they could wait until the agreement leaves your mouth.

“of course.” the answer escapes before you could even register it properly. this makes suguru smile against your lips as he captured them in another sweet kiss. he muttered a small ‘thank you’ and then swept your legs off the floor—strong arms placed under your thighs to hold you up against his body whilst the hungry kisses continue.

suguru doesn’t know how he got there; carrying you over to his bed, settling you down onto the soft mattress, his body caging yours underneath him, eyes fluttering over every detail of your exposed skin. he hadn’t had you like this ever before; he hadn’t had you in his bed for a reason as sinful as this, only ever for cuddles or sleep.

“you’re beautiful.” the dark-haired man whispers as he carefully takes off the clothing covering your figure—the gorgeous skin his hands still have yet to explore. suguru can’t remember the last time he has treated anyone like this; like a treasure he’s had the honour to find and keep to himself. there hasn’t been a single woman in his life that he’s cared for this much—you’re the only one capable of mellowing him and his heart.

“stunning,” another compliment; another breath spent to praise you. your lover’s fingers teased the edges of your bra, lips kissing down your collarbone and towards the centre of your chest—each touch being done with precision. your bra became undone a second later and you let the straps fall of your arms, all the way until your breasts were fully revealed.

suguru’s breath hitches, mouth forming more saliva than in any previous instants, the liquid being pushed down his throat with a gulp. you didn’t have the chance to feel conscious of yourself in a moment like this; the dim light of the bedside lamp shone on suguru’s face, his lips glistening with a mixture of your saliva whilst his gaze was lingering on the new sight in front of him—he was utterly obsessed.

“may i?” his hands were already reaching out for the plump flesh and they came in touch once you nodded shyly. his palms were warm as they kneaded your breasts and his fingers brushed against your nipples, which made you whimper from how sensitive they were now that someone else has finally touched them.

suguru took notice of your reaction and put pressure on both small buds once again, thumbs rubbing your areolas in circular motions, “that good, princess?”

“mhmm— y-yes,” you mutter through a moan. your body was pushed further onto the mattress as your lover put more of his weight on you, your entire chest area getting covered by licks and kisses, slow and deliberate ones that left you yearning for more. suguru’s eyes gazed up at yours for consent once his parted lips hovered just above your sensitive nipples, his breath on them alone making you squirm already.

with another nod, suguru wasted no time taking one nipple into his warm mouth—wetting it with his saliva as his tongue slid around the area. his long fingers squeezed, twisted and pulled on your other nipple to give you both stimulations at once.

“mm, so good.” his muffled voice caused goosebumps to appear on your skin. suguru slowly lets his lips travel across your tits, sucking on them, even kissing down the curves until he reaches your torso. he gives that area the same amount of love and attention whilst your fingers were tangled around his smooth, long hair. suguru clearly seemed to enjoy the sensations; he let out small moans and hums against your bare skin to indicate that you should continue playing and tugging at his locks.

his tongue abruptly came to a stop right above the waistline of your panties—the barrier he was about to reach past for the first time. the hesitation was visible in his body language, however his fingers eventually tugged at the fabric, preparing to take it off.

your heart was beating out of your chest as you watched suguru slowly pull the last piece of cloth away. your thighs pressed together on instinct, stopping your panties from exposing your bare cunt.

“should i stop?” suguru asks with a raised eyebrow, fingers pulling away from your underwear now that he’s seen you close your legs. you didn’t want him to stop—it’s just the nerves that made your body move on its own command;

“please— no,” you shake your head, biting your lip as you swallowed your own saliva out of pure desire. you craved him now that it’s come this far, “need you. need you so bad, suguru.”

those words caused suguru’s brain to shut down. any irrelevant thoughts were thrown out of the window; the only thing his mind was telling him to do, was to take care of your needs. your body was laid out on his bed—trusting eyes looking up at his in anticipation, pretty hands grasping onto his sheets like it’d calm you down.

“i’m all yours, sweetheart.” suguru sighs, fingertips slightly shaking as he pulls your panties down to your ankles, eyes pausing on the revelation. to say that suguru was simply rendered speechless, was an understatement. that man was on the verge of letting loose of any self-control and just dive his face right between your thighs, eating you out like he’s fantasised of doing for a while now.

“fuck.” your boyfriend closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself before opening them to smile down at you—the handsome smile that was one of the many reasons you fell in love with him, “i’ll be careful. i promise.”

naturally, you nodded along. you’ve built up enough trust between one another during the past few months to let yourself be vulnerable in front of him. the palm of his hands patted your thighs slightly before spreading them apart, once again showing your glistening folds, a slight wetness to them from your own arousal.

suguru couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight. he’d already have devoured your dripping cunt if it wasn’t for his self-control. but, it was your first time. he couldn’t rush into things just yet.

“thank you, baby.” the dark-haired man whispered under his breath. he was showing his gratitude for the sight you allowed him to see—a sight only he had ever seen before. the only man to be able to witness the beauty before him. that fact alone made his eyes darken in lust ever so slightly.

his fingers carefully slid across your vulva, your bodily fluid coating the skin which makes him shiver and his fingers get bolder. the cute sounds that filled his ears were only making this even better for him.

the way your hips bucked up slightly into his touch—just asking for suguru to take you right then and there—was driving him insane. every vein in his body felt like it could pop with how much he was restraining his own self from acting out of line. his finger easily slid into the little hole and suguru almost couldn’t believe it; your pussy was clamping down on his finger, your insides tightly wrapped around him to the point that even he wouldn’t know if his dick would fit in.

“hnnngh, suguru, please— wan’ your cock already,” that dirty sounding sentence was one he didn’t expect to hear from a virgin. it made him shake his head with a small, delighted chuckle; you really never failed to surprise him.

“i know you do,” suguru purrs, pressing kisses against the curves of your tits whilst another finger of his joined to stretch your pussy out properly, “but i need to prep you enough if you wanna take my cock. can you be patient for me, sweetheart?”

“m’kay. gonna try..” his fingers pumped in and out of you, the feeling of them curling up deep inside you made your walls squeeze against them. you’ve played with yourself before, of course, however it was then that you discovered that nothing could ever compare to the real thing: suguru’s long and slightly girthy fingers.

just when you thought that it couldn’t get any better, you felt a third finger—not inside you--but on your clit, rubbing the small bundle of nerves like you could’ve never done to yourself. suguru was so precise and exact with his actions which showed his experience. that’s another reason of why you’ve put all your trust in him. getting your virginity taken by a sweet, older and experienced man was probably ten times better than losing it to any guy your age, who were probably only out for sex.

suguru was there to make love to you.

your back arched once you felt suguru’s fingers increase their pace, the wet and squelchy sounds echoing through the room as they got louder the more your pussy got played with, his thumb almost overstimulating your clit to the point of release already—that’s how superb your lover’s hand movements were.

“no, no. can’t have you cum on my fingers like that.” you whine once you felt suguru take his fingers back the same moment you were about to reach your first orgasm by someone else’s hands. the older man smirks at this and kisses you on the lips, pulling away slowly with your bottom lip between his teeth, letting it lightly flop back into place as he lets go; “i wanna have you cum together with me, okay?”

you couldn’t refuse such a romantic request, thus you nod. suguru smiles back at you once more before his hands move to take off his sweatpants, tossing the piece of clothing to the side. your eyes widened as you were propped on your elbows, gaze lingering on the massive bulge formed at the crotch area, his boxers not hiding much of the shape.

once the underwear was off as well—that’s when you realised that your underlying anxiousness was not for nothing. suguru’s cock sprung free, it was slightly curved near his pink tip, drops of pre-cum flowing down the length. you haven’t ever seen a dick in real life, only ever on the internet, so this had left you stunned. you didn’t know what the average size was for a man, but there’s one thing you knew for sure: suguru was definitely way above the average size.

“cat got your tongue, princess?” he teased, his hand absentmindedly pumping his cock to the sight of your naked body underneath him. suguru didn’t even know that he started doing that in front of you; it was out of pure instinct. he couldn’t hide the excitement in his body, his shaft twitching in his hand as if it desperately wanted to feel your tight cunt around it.

“uhm, s-suguru..” you stammer a bit, biting your lip as your eyes followed his hand motions which got faster once your sweet voice called out to him. something about you looking a tad bit intimidated by his size made him want to destroy your insides to mush—have you beg him to fuck you as he bullies his whole length into your poor, small cunt.

“i know, i know..” suguru reassures you, free hand giving you a few consoling head pats, “i’ll try to make it as less painful as possible, okay?”

you hum and watch how your lover settles between your legs, spreading them enough to kneel before you, upper body bending forward to place soft pecks on your forehead; he was encouraging and preparing you more in his own way.

your arms instantly wrapped around his back, sweaty palms set underneath his shoulder blades—you took a deep breath and closed your eyes, just waiting on that moment. that feeling you’ve been craving, yet also have been avoiding.

you waited for a bit, however the only sounds heard and sensations felt were the slight dent in the mattress near one side of your body, the bed creaking faintly. suguru was leaning on side of his body, one arm stretched out to open a drawer, apparently searching for a condom.

once you realised what he was doing, you shook your head and tapped his back twice to regain suguru’s attention. his gaze immediately flickered over to yours and his head tilted to the side in curiosity; “i want the full experience—no condom, please.”

his eyes widened at the request. you seemed to be dead serious, eyes glinting determinedly, lips forming a little pout— it was impossible to refuse you, although suguru knew that he had to play the role of the older, more wise and experienced lover in the back of his mind.

he parted his lips to list off the reasons why you should let him use a condom, yet the words died on his tongue. you were impossible to say ‘no’ to. not when you’re looking up at him with those pretty eyes.

“whatever princess wants, princess gets.”

suguru prodded your entrance with the fat head of his cock, circling the hole and wetting it more by using a mixture of his pre-cum and your own arousal. you took another deep breath and tried your best to hold tightly onto your boyfriend, arms wrapped tightly around his back with your face nuzzled in the crook of his neck—bracing for impact.

“tell me if it hurts too much,” suguru whispers in your ear, leaving one last kiss on your temples before pushing his hips forward, folds stretching out and apart to allow his cock through and into your pussy.

did it hurt like you expected? yes. it most certainly did. maybe even worse than you were prepared for.

“fuck— nhhh, fuckfuckfuck!” you hiss whilst your nails dig into the skin of suguru’s back, probably leaving red marks because of how much you’re clinging onto him—like your life depened on it. that’s quite literally what it felt like to you; body being forced to part and make way for suguru inside you, pussy feeling like it was burning by how big of a stretch it was to fit him in—if he actually would be able to push all of his inches into your tight hole.

“sshh, shh, it’s okay, try to relax for me, yeah?” your lover comforts you the best he could, stilling his movements for a couple seconds before gently slipping his cock further into you. it pained him to see the discomfort written over your face, however you hadn’t made any clear signs of wanting this to come to a halt. in fact, you were encouraging him to continue whenever he stopped at any indication of hurt.

“i can take it.. p-promise,” you manage to moan out. suguru breathed in deeply at your words and nodded, kissing your lips in hopes to distract you from any pain you’re feeling, “you’re too good to me, sweetheart. really.”

both of you exhaled deeply as suguru finally bottomed out, a long minute of reassurance and pushing now behind your back. your eyes had watered up a little, chest heaving as you tried to accommodate to the new feeling inside of you.

“take your time.” suguru utters gently, voice sultry and sweet whenever its directed at you. his lips graze against your cheeks, smothering the area with pecks to take your mind off anything else. the locks of black hair tickle your chin and nose, the hairtie that usually kept a good chunk of his hair in a bun now out of sight.

suguru hadn’t taken anyone’s virginity before and that’s what also made this opportunity special to him. he didn’t know how to thank you with words, so he showed his gratitude throughout his actions; lips kissing your shiny tears away, moving across your face to your forehead and eventually to your own round lips which had formed a cute pout.

you could feel suguru smile against your mouth, his tongue gently tracing the outline of your lips whilst mumbling words of affection and praise; “you’re taking it so well, baby. such a good girl for me— love you so much.”

you giggled lightly at your lover’s appreciative remarks, focusing on returning the kiss instead of the tingling feeling in your lower body. you pulled away after a bit and looked up at him with nothing but pure adoration; “i love you too, suguru.”

if suguru had the ability to freeze time, he’d want to do it during this moment, just to relive this bit over and over. he’s sure that this exact instant will be engraved into his memory for the many years to come.

and once you’ve given him the green light to move, he did it with caution, slowly but surely. his hips moved back and then forwards, girthy cock dragging along your walls at a leisurely pace, but just enough to make your pain transform into pleasure.

suguru’s big hands were placed on your hips, sometimes they’d leave their position to cup your chin and make you face him. he doesn’t want you to look away from his eyes; he’ll think you don’t like this if you do. besides, the thing he loves most about being in the missionary position, is that he’s able to hear how good he’s making you feel whilst looking into your eyes to see your face scrunch up in satisfaction. it’s so romantic and perfect. just like you.

“my little princess is so pretty.” suguru sighs in content and kisses your tears away, thrusting into your tight cunt in a comfortable pace—not too fast but not too slow, “the way you take my cock and still manage to look beautiful while doing it— you’re incredible.”

if the physical pleasure wasn’t enough, his added commentary would certainly be. you moan and whimper phrases that sound like his name over and over again; you didn’t know what else to say as your mind was foggy with the amazing sensations your body was experiencing for the first time. that was fine with suguru since all he wants was to see you enjoy yourself—this moment was for you. everything he did was for you—every thrust, every kiss, every touch.

“nhhg, too good, so good!” you mewl and leave more scratch marks across suguru’s back, ones which he didn’t mind at all. it only served as further proof of this special moment. the tip of his cock kissed the deepest parts of your insides, puffy folds parted widely to make room for more of his length until it felt like he actually was balls deep.

“mhm—you’re, haah, tight..” the once calm and collected man seemed to let loose of himself the more he felt your cunt swallow him all the way, gripping onto his dick as if you didn’t want to ever let go. suguru grunts and moves down to leave a couple hickeys across your neck, hips non-stop pushing against yours, “don’t think i can last long—fuck, yeah—you feel amazing, baby.”

your eyes roll back as the pleasure seems to build up in your stomach as well. it felt like a coil that threatened to snap at any moment and it’d release another immense wave of pleasure upon breaking. your body was on fire, sweaty and hot, just like suguru’s.

“can you cum with me, princess? can you wait and hold on for me?” he asks, and the questions sound impossible, however you could at least try your best to fulfil his desires. you’d also want nothing more than to reach your peak together with the man you loved.

“okay—mmhh—together.” you nod and your body tenses up, legs subconsciously moving to wrap around suguru’s waist, heels of your feet simultaneously tapping against his lower back along with his hip movements. you didn’t know how much longer you could hold out for as your breathing patterns changes, whiney gasps and choked up moans escaping the back of your throat as your clit bumps against his pelvis over and over.

“almost, almost—“ suguru curses through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching while yours did the opposite. your body rocked back and forth and the bed felt like it was shaking along as well. you could tell by the way suguru’s hips rolled against yours that he was close—his eyebrows were furrowed, eyes half-lidded but not closed to still hold contact with yours and his hands clutched onto your waist. all indications of his nearing climax.

“mnph, gonna cum— shit, shit, shit, i’m gonna cum—“ suguru swears under his breath a couple times more before snapping back into reality at the last few seconds. he realised once again that he didn’t have a condom on, so his first rational thought was to pull out and finish himself outside of your body.

you were also nearing your own orgasm, not thinking rationally due to the intensity of the moment, any other thoughts except for the man on top of you were thrown out of the window. you felt suguru try to pull his twitching and throbbing cock out before it could spurt its cum inside of your dripping cunt.

you whined and shook your head, pulling suguru in for a deep kiss while tightening the grasp your legs had around his hips; “w-want to feel you cum in me— want you to fill me up while i finish too.”

suguru’s breath caught in his throat, almost choking on his own saliva from your bold requests. his only rational thought instantly vanished from his mind, now all that’s left was pure love, pleasure and desire. the mental image of his cum spilling and filling your pussy to the brim drove him to the edge.

“all yours, i’m going to give it all to you, princess, yeah? fuck !” both of you relinquished in the feeling of bliss, the warmth and build up reaching its designated ending— the expected waves of pleasure washing over you both. series of soft moans, whimpers and groans filled the room as your pussy was flooded with lots of hot cum.

it was like suguru hadn’t came in years—that’s how incredible that orgasm was experienced by the dark-haired male. the same thing goes for you; your legs were shaking, hips squirming up in aftershocks as you squeezed down on suguru’s cock, quite literally milking him dry of every drop.

“nhh, haah— suguru, love,” your tired and powerless whispers caught his attention immediately. your trembling hand held onto his cheek in attempt to make him look at you. suguru’s fingers curled around your wrist, turning your hand away from his face and to the side so he’ll have access to your palm. his lips left a ticklish trail of pecks on them until his mouth found its home: your lips.

the two of you exchanged deep, exhausted breaths, your boyfriend eventually pulling out and rolling onto his side to cradle you into his arms—hand placed on the back of your head to rest your body against his chest. the following seconds were spent cuddling as you tried to regain composure.

“you were amazing.” suguru sighs, chin resting on top of your head whilst his hand rubbed your bare back in comfort, “are you okay, sweetheart? nothing feeling off or anything of that sorts?”

you shake your head and snuggle up against your lover, content with how things are right now. the afterglow of your little session—of your first time, made you happier than ever. you couldn’t believe it’d feel this good. maybe it’s due to the one you’ve lost your virginity to.

“i’m okay.” you mumble and lift your head up to look suguru in the eyes, faces only inches away from each other. there were no words in the dictionary that could describe how you two felt. the closest word to explain it would be flawless.

“i’m glad, baby. thank you for trusting me.” suguru flashes you a small smile and strokes your head. you stay like that, bodies intertwined in a deep and comfortable hug, whispers of sweet nothings filling your ears and subtle gestures of love making you feel secure.

a couple minutes later and suguru noticed how you started to doze off. he chuckled to himself before pulling away from your hug and standing up, only to have you pout and complain about the loss of warmth.

“i’m just going to clean you up, love.” the soft-spoken man utters to you, laughing quietly at the adorable state you were in at the moment. you were so dependent on him.

“should i prepare us a warm, relaxing bubble bath as well?” he asks, squatting down near the edge of his bed and taking your hands in his, maintaining eye contact as per usual.

“that’d be nice.” you nod and feel your eyelids close slowly, “can’t promise i won’t fall asleep, though.”

suguru lets out a soft exhale through his nose, corner of his lips curling upwards at your little comment. he couldn’t believe he ended up dating such an unbelievably wonderful girl. it’s a blessing in his life of curses.

“i’ll make sure to at least clean you up if you do fall asleep, don’t worry. you’re safe with me.”

you were sure he was an angel sent down from heaven. it was more than clear to you—even if it may not be to many others out there.

“thank you, suguru.” you murmur as your body relaxes into the soft mattress, “i love you.”

“i love you too. more than you could imagine.”

[babsworlds]

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.

pairing. dad! Tangerine x mom! reader

synopsis. your son was just like his father.

warnings. uncle! Lemon, mentions of violence, no use of y/n.

YOU FINALLY FOUND PEACE in your chaotic life after discovering you were pregnant. It was the moment that changed everything. Tangerine promised to be there for you and your future child, so he quit his dangerous job. The two of you moved to the peaceful countryside of England, seeking a fresh start and a safer, simpler life.

Settling down in a cozy cottage surrounded by beautiful nature, you started to build a new life together. The quiet and serene environment offered a much-needed contrast to the intense world you had left behind. You found happiness and joy in raising your family.

Sixteen years later, your home was filled with laughter and love, thanks to your son, Lewis. He was just like his father, Tangerine, in every way—looks, personality, and behavior. Lewis brought energy and joy to your home, and you often marveled at how much he reminded you of his father.

That was confirmed for you when you and Tangerine were called in to Lewis’ school because he beat up his classmate for talking trash about his girlfriend, Emma.

You tried to be a real parent figure, feeling mad at your son for hurting someone, but secretly proud of him for standing up for his girlfriend.

Tangerine, on the other hand, was openly proud. He was a proud father.

It was Saturday, sunny and hot weather in the countryside—a perfect day for a grill party with Lemon.

You and Lewis sat at the table in the garden. You were engrossed in a book, while Lewis was deeply invested in his phone. Tangerine was busy at the grill, expertly preparing the meal.

The familiar sound of a car approaching caught your attention. Lemon got out, already waving at you with his characteristic enthusiasm. “How’s my favorite family?” Lemon called out cheerfully.

You glanced at Lewis, noticing the lingering tension. Despite the relaxed setting, the previous conflict still hung in the air.

Lemon, ever perceptive, picked up on the vibe and approached the table with a gentle smile. “Hey, everything alright?” he asked, his tone filled with concern.

Tangerine looked up from the grill, giving Lemon a welcoming nod. “Hey, bro. Just the usual family dynamics,” he said with a chuckle.

Lemon took a seat next to Lewis, and you engaged him in a conversation about his new job. Eventually, the conversation turned to Lewis.

"And what about you, man? You're unusually quiet," Lemon asked, looking at Lewis.

You glanced at your son again. "C'mon, brag to Uncle," you encouraged with a smile. Just then, Tangerine appeared behind them, carrying the food.

"He got into his first fight," Tangerine announced with a proud smile.

Lemon looked confused, then turned to Lewis, who finally looked up from his phone with a light, yet proud smile on his lips. "No way!” Lemon breathed out. "Congratulations!”

"Lemon!" you exclaimed, a mix of exasperation and amusement in your voice.

Lewis shrugged, explaining, "What would I do? He was talking shit about Em."

Tangerine sat down next to you, clearly proud of his son's actions. Despite the tension, there was a sense of camaraderie and understanding among all of you.

You all started eating, and the table was quiet until Lemon broke the silence. “You know, Lew, it really reminds me of when your father beat someone up for threatening your mom,” Lemon said with a nostalgic smile.

You remembered the situation vividly and couldn't help but smile a bit too. Lewis looked at his father, who nodded in confirmation, then turned to Lemon. “Really?” Lewis asked, his curiosity piqued.

“Yeah,” Lemon said, leaning in. “He took his head and—”

“Don’t give him ideas!” you shouted, cutting Lemon off before he could get into the gory details.

“Tell me more about how my parents were before I was born,” Lewis turned to Lemon, his curiosity evident. You and Tangerine had always kept your past jobs a secret, believing that he didn’t need to know about that part of your lives.

Lemon chuckled, glancing at you and Tangerine for approval before speaking. “Well, your parents were quite the dynamic duo. Always on some grand adventure, making the world a little bit safer.”

Lewis raised an eyebrow. “Adventures? Like what?”

You and Tangerine exchanged a knowing look. It was a delicate line to walk—sharing enough to satisfy his curiosity without revealing too much.

“They were like… problem solvers,” Lemon explained, choosing his words carefully. “Whenever someone needed help, they were there to take care of things. Very brave and very skilled.”

Lewis looked intrigued. “So, you guys were like… heroes?”

Tangerine smiled, his eyes reflecting the memories. “Something like that, mate.”

But Lewis was already sixteen, and he wasn’t really dumb. He knew you weren’t exactly heroes in the traditional sense. He could see through the carefully chosen words and the evasive answers. He knew there was more to the story, more to his parents’ past than they were letting on.

Lewis leaned back, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at you and Tangerine. “So, you guys weren’t really… just problem solvers, were you?” he asked, his voice tinged with curiosity and a hint of suspicion.

“Maybe I would tell you, but because you are exactly like your father and have stupid ideas like him, I won’t,” you said with a smile, placing your hand on Lewis’ shoulder.

Lewis chuckled, a light of understanding in his eyes. “Fair enough,” he said, appreciating the honesty.

You all shared a moment of laughter, the tension easing as the conversation shifted to more light-hearted topics.

[storiesforallfandoms]

all the mistakes ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2866

request?: yes!

“I just started reading your stuff and I'm in love with the Colson stories!

I was wondering if you could do Colson x reader. Reader finds out she's pregnant by Colson and he doesn't think he's ready to be a dad again and abandons reader but then realizes a couple months later that he's truly in love with her and does everything he can to win her back?

If not, it's okay.. thank you ❤️”

description: in which he comes to apologize for all the mistakes he’s made leading up to the birth of their child

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, child birth (not in detail obviously), lil angsty and sad but it ends happy, rpf (if you don’t like it don’t read)

masterlist (one, two, three)

Colson always said he wanted another kid. Especially once Casie started to go through her pre-teen years and he found himself wishing she was still a baby again. He and (Y/N) had talked about it so many times, and they had both agreed that they wanted to have a baby together.

So why did he run away when she actually got pregnant?

Colson could still remember it all so vividly: the look of happiness on (Y/N)’s face when she showed him the positive pregnancy test, the heavy feeling in his stomach that turned to panic that rose into his throat, the sound of (Y/N)’s voice as he grabbed some of his things and left without another word. He could remember the sound of his phone constantly chiming as (Y/N) tried to text and call him, until finally he had to put her contact on mute. It didn’t take her long to give up trying to contact him, though.

He didn’t know why he did it. He had been asked by so many people - his boys, his mom, Ash, even Casie herself - but he had no answer. When (Y/N) first told him she wanted to have kids with him, he had been so excited. So where did his sudden panic come from when it actually happened? Why was he suddenly so doubtful over his ability to be a father again?

He couldn’t bring himself to go back. He was embarrassed for the way he reacted, and he thought (Y/N) wouldn’t take him back anyways. Not that he blamed her. How could she take back the man who got her pregnant and then ran out on her? Because of his reluctance and fear of rejection, Colson didn’t see (Y/N) for months. And he would’ve kept it that way if it wasn’t for Casie throwing his car keys at him and forcing him out of the house.

“You have to go see her,” Casie said as she slammed the door in her father’s face and locked it.

“You gave me my keys, Cas, I can get back in,” he pointed out.

She held up the house key that usually hung on Colson’s keyring. “I took it off. You’re not getting back in until you go see (Y/N) and apologize for being stupid.”

“She’s not gonna wanna see me.”

“You don’t know that! She’s carrying your child, and I’d doubt she seriously wants that kid to grow up without a dad.”

Colson didn’t want to admit that he thought (Y/N) probably got rid of the baby the second he walked out on her. “Cas, come on, just let me back in.”

But Casie just crossed her arms and glared at him. After a few minutes, Colson sighed and rolled his eyes. There was no use in trying to get back in unless he did exactly what Casie wanted, so he went to his car and drove the familiar route to get to (Y/N)’s place.

At least I can get the rejection over with quickly and get back into my own house, he thought to himself.

Pulling up to her house, Colson started picturing the night he left again. He wanted nothing more than to turn his car around and go back home, but he knew Casie could tell if he was lying to her. His hands were shaking as he shut his car off and put the keys into his pocket. He was almost hoping that (Y/N) wasn’t home. Maybe if she wasn’t, Casie would drop it and let him back into the house without having to actually deal with the situation.

But her car was in the driveway, so she had to be home.

Colson made his way up to the front door and raised his hand to knock. He hesitated, unable to make his hand move. His brain was still screaming at him to turn around and go home, but he had come this far. He couldn’t just back out now. At the very least, maybe he could give (Y/N) some closure so they could both move on from this, since he knew there was no way that she was going to take him back.

He finally moved his hand to knock. It didn’t take long for him to hear the sound of footsteps coming towards the door, and when the door opened it felt like the floodgates within him had opened.

(Y/N) was stood there, her belly big enough to tell him that she was still carrying his child. She had never looked so beautiful to him before.

Her eyes were wide, almost like a deer caught in headlights. He was the last person she expected to see on her doorstep, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to slam the door in his face or throw herself into his arms and beg for him to never let her go again.

“Hey,” Colson finally said. “Uh...I’m sorry to surprise you like this. I probably should’ve called first or something.”

“You wouldn’t have gotten through. I blocked your number,” she told him.

Ouch, he thought. I deserve that, though.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. “If it’s to finally get the last of your stuff that you left here, I have it in boxes in the spare room. I can bring it all down and send you on your way within five minutes.”

There was a lot he wanted to say in response to that, but instead he found himself saying, “You probably shouldn’t be lifting too much or going up and down the stairs a lot in your condition.”

Her face darkened as she glared at him. “Don’t pretend you give a shit now.”

Colson sighed and shook his head. “You’re right, I’m sorry. Can I come in? I just wanted to talk, to apologize.”

(Y/N) scoffed. “You leave me when I tell you I’m pregnant - with a baby that you wanted, might I add - and you leave for months, with no calls or texts or anything. And now you think you can come back and just...apologize for all of that?”

“I know, I fucked up - ”

“No, you don’t know,” she cut him off. “You really fucked up. You beyond fucked up, actually. You don’t understand how much it hurt me when you just walked out. You didn’t answer any of my calls or texts. I thought you were going to be happy when I told you I was pregnant. We talked about starting our own family for so long, and I thought you’d be overjoyed for this. But you just walked out and didn’t come back. You do not understand how hard that was for me to deal with, how hard it still is to deal with, while also trying to deal with this pregnancy all on my own!”

She was starting to cry. She mentally cursed her pregnancy hormones for making her so much more susceptible to tears lately. She didn’t want him to see her cry, especially not over him.

When he extended his arms to her, though, she gladly took the comforting hug. She sobbed into his chest, trying to take in his familiar smell and warmth without letting him back in too much. He couldn’t just come in and demand a second chance like this, but she also couldn’t lie and say she wasn’t relieved to see him on her doorstep.

Colson guided her into the house, closing the door behind them and bringing (Y/N) to her living room. They both sat down on her couch and (Y/N) wiped the tears from her eyes. She reached for a tissue from a box on one of her side tables and blew her nose as well.

“I had to start leaving tissue boxes in every room,” she sighed. “Stupid fucking hormones. I cry at everything now.”

“At least you’ve managed to prepare yourself for it,” Colson said.

She sighed and wiped at her face again. She felt so puffy and gross, and not just from the crying. The pregnancy had made her feel so many negative emotions. Even now, when she was supposed to be mad at Colson, she found herself self conscious about her round belly and how it made her look to him.

“Why did you leave?” she asked him. “I thought you wanted another baby.”

“I do,” he responded. “I should’ve been so goddamn excited when you told me you were pregnant. I think I would’ve felt that way if I wasn’t such an idiot instead and started feeling doubt about being a father again.”

(Y/N) furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean...I panicked when you told me. I found myself thinking about if I was cut out to be a dad again. Like, what if I ended up missing so much of the baby’s life the same way I did with Casie? I wasn’t ready to be a dad when Emma was pregnant with Casie because I was so young, and I found myself back in that mindset when you told me you were pregnant. Just this sudden panic and self doubt.”

“But we talked about this. You said you wanted another baby.”

“I know. I don’t understand it either. It’s just my fucked up brain ruining everything again.”

(Y/N) placed her hand on Colson’s in a comforting gesture. “You’re not fucked up, and you are an amazing dad to Casie. I have no doubts that you’ll be even better with this baby, especially now since you’re older and have experience.”

Colson shook his head and let out a humorless laugh. “I can’t believe I was so stupid to let myself get worked up like that, though. I should’ve been so excited. We should’ve had a big ass fucking party to celebrate, and then you should’ve been moving into my house so we could start this family together. I shouldn’t have run out the door and left you like that.”

“Why didn’t you ever call or text me before now?”

“I felt embarrassed and stupid for my reaction. For the longest time, I just felt like I couldn’t face what I did, or face you. And then the more that time went on, the more I felt like coming back was a mistake. I figured you would kick me to the curb and tell me to never speak to you again. I thought...I thought that...if you even still had our baby, that you’d never let me see them anyways.”

(Y/N) found herself running her fingers along the back of his hand. What he was saying all made sense, and she felt like she believed him. She didn’t think he was malicious in leaving her. He didn’t do it because he was an asshole, he did it because he panicked suddenly and made a bonehead move, then his embarrassment got the better of him and made him overthink the situation even further. It didn’t completely heal the wound that his leaving had left inside of her, but it was enough to make her think she could possibly forgive him.

“If you had shown interest, I would’ve let you see her,” she said. “I would never keep you from your daughter if you wanted to be in her life.”

Tears were forming in Colson’s eyes as he looked up at (Y/N). “It’s a girl? You know that for sure?”

(Y/N) could feel herself welling up again, too. She nodded and got up to get the ultrasound she kept on the fridge. She passed it to Colson and sat down next to him.

“That’s her,” she said. “She was once the size of a peanut when I got my first sonogram, and now she’s a fully formed baby.”

“I can’t believe I’m gonna have another daughter,” Colson breathed.

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Definitely a good way. I would’ve loved to have a son, but if there’s anything that being Casie’s dad has taught me, it’s that I love being a girl dad.” He placed the ultrasound on the coffee table and turned to face (Y/N). “I love you, too. More than anything, (Y/N). I was such a fucking idiot to ruin us the way I did, but I never stopped loving you in that time we had apart. I wanted nothing more than to call you or to show up on your doorstep like I did today, but I was terrified of what your reaction would be if I did.”

“I love you, too,” (Y/N) replied. It was the truth. She hadn’t stopped loving Colson, no matter how angry or upset he had made her. She loved him so much, and she felt like carrying his child had made her love him even more. “But you hurt me a lot. I meant what I said, you can’t just come in and say you’re sorry and suddenly everything goes back to normal.”

“I know, and I’ll do anything to win back your trust. Whatever you want, (Y/N), I’ll do it.”

“Right now, I want you to be here for the rest of my pregnancy, and I want you to be there when your daughter is born. We can take things from there.”

Colson nodded. “Will you come stay with me and Casie at least? I intended on asking you to move in with me anyways, and I know that’s a big ask right now, but I want you to be there and to start making it your home, because eventually it will be. Your home, and hers.” He put his hand on her bump, thinking about how his baby girl was growing in there.

(Y/N)’s eyes lit up as she nodded. “Give me a few minutes to pack a few things, and then we can head over. I want to see Casie anyways. I’ve missed her so much.”

~~~~~~

A few months later, Colson and (Y/N) were on the way to the hospital in the middle of the night. (Y/N) had woken up to pee and ended up having her water break. She woke Colson with her surprised shriek and he got everything together for the two of them to go to the hospital. Casie was at Emma’s, so Colson texted Emma to let her know that the baby was coming and to let Casie know that she would be a big sister by the time she woke up.

The labor pains weren’t as bad as (Y/N) expected, but they were still certainly the worst pain she had ever felt. Colson stayed by her side through the entire process, just like he promised. He let (Y/N) use his hand as a stress ball, crushing it with every contraction pain she felt. He stayed in the room after the doctor’s announced it was time to push and, even though he did feel a little lightheaded during the birthing process, he stayed to hear his baby girl cry for the first time.

The doctors let him cut the umbilical cord before they washed the baby girl and wrapped her in a soft, pastel pink blanket. The doctor passed Colson the baby and Colson sat next to (Y/N) so she could see her, too.

“She’s so beautiful,” (Y/N) breathed. “Besides the fact that she looks like a little prune.”

Colson chuckled. “Yeah, she definitely needs a day or two to look less wrinkly, but she’s gorgeous. You really did it, baby.”

(Y/N) mustered enough strength to reach out and lightly graze the baby’s cheek with her finger. “She was definitely worth all that pain and the exhaustion. Although, to be honest, I don’t think I can fight the sleep much longer.”

Colson leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Get some rest. When you’re feeling up to it, we’ll get Casie to come see her baby sister.”

(Y/N)’s eyes started to close, but Colson could see that she was trying to fight her fatigue. “We haven’t named her yet.”

“We can do that when you wake up. We have so much time to get everything figured out. You already did all of the hard stuff, let me help out with this side of things.”

She smiled, sheepishly, and forced her eyes open for another moment to look at Colson. “I love you.”

He smiled back at her. “I love you, too. More than you could ever know. Now, get some rest. We’ll both be here when you wake up.”

(Y/N) nodded and finally closed her eyes. It didn’t take her long to drift off to sleep. Colson stood so he could put the baby in the bed that the nurses had brought in to put next to (Y/N)’s bed. She had already stopped crying and had also been lulled to sleep in Colson’s arms. When he had her laid down, he stepped back to look at his two girls. He smiled and couldn’t help the tears that started to well up in his eyes. He couldn’t be any happier than he was in that moment.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Keepsafes

Fandom: Batman, DC Comics

Summary: AU where Martha and Thomas survive, and they adopt the batkids.

Chapters: 38/?

Characters: Bruce Wayne, Thomas Wayne, Martha Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Harvey Dent, Dick Grayson, Cassandra Cain, David Cain, Talia al Ghul, Damian Wayne, Jason Todd, Tim Drake

Relationships: Thomas Wayne/Martha Wayne/Alfred Pennyworth, BruHarvey, BruTalia

Additional Tags: Canon Divergent AU, Hurt/Comfort, Bruce Wayne is Not Batman, Angst, Alfred Pennyworth Knows All, Bruce Wayne Only Has One Child, Bruce Wayne is Not An Only Child, Bi Bruce Wayne

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Nameless

Dick slumped over in the backseat while Thomas drove and Bruce fiddled with the radio. “I forgot to ask. How was your OB-GYN rotation?” Thomas asked. 

Bruce rubbed his palms against his eyes. “I cried in the supply closet almost every day,” Bruce replied. 

Thomas nodded and reached over to pinch Bruce’s cheek. “I had a hard time with that, too. It’s the ultrasounds, huh?” Thomas questioned. 

“Yeah… It got me thinking. Are you ever disappointed in me because I might not ever give you grandkids?” Bruce questioned. 

“Why would I be disappointed in you for something so trivial? It’s more impressive to me that I had a hand in raising someone who became such a thoughtful and unique individual. You are enough. It doesn’t matter if you have kids or not. It doesn’t matter, Bruce. I promise there is no pressure for you ever to have children. That’s a lifelong commitment, and I don’t think you should bring a child into the world to please anyone,” Thomas answered seriously, “You and Dick and Harvey are my world.”

Bruce looked out the window, watching as the sun rose. “I don’t wanna be an OB, Dad,” Bruce whispered. 

“That’s alright. I wasn’t hoping for it, Brucie,” Thomas reassured him, “Every rotation affects everyone differently. I had a friend that used to get the shakes during the overnights in pediatrics because it reminded him of the time he spent visiting his older brother.” 

The two of them sighed and stared straight ahead. “Martha threw up on me when she went into labor. I remember it vividly because we were sleeping downstairs at the time. She walked into my office to ask me if I was hungry, and her water broke. Your birth was an extremely dramatic experience from start to finish… But uh… I got up from my desk and she threw up all over me,” Thomas laughed. 

“Contractions?” Bruce asked.

“No. She said her water breaking felt yucky ,” Thomas replied. 

Bruce chuckled. “That sounds like Mom. Is that why she never had any others?” Bruce questioned.

“It wasn’t for lack of trying, Brucie,” Thomas answered as his smile faded. 

**

Martha pulled Thomas aside and pleaded with him. “Thomas, I know we’ve never had a little girl before, and I know it won’t be easy, but—.”

“Martha—.”

“I don’t think she’s deaf, but Alfred and I have tried to ask her name in every language we know. Nothing. There’s nothing. I don’t think she understands language at all. She’s a little girl. Thomas, she saved my—.”

“Martha—.”

Martha picked the nameless girl up and she wrapped her arms around Martha’s neck. “And Thomas, she saved my life the other day… And I—. I think—.” 

“Martha, I need you to breathe for a second,” Thomas whispered, “What’s her name?” 

Martha awkwardly smiled. “Martha? Alfred?” Thomas questioned. 

Bruce looked at Alfred and cocked his head before pulling Alfred aside. “What’s wrong? What happened?” Bruce asked. Alfred embraced Bruce without uttering a word. “What’s Mom talking about?” 

“I’m alright… Perhaps I’m a bit peaked but otherwise I’m fine, Master Bruce,” Alfred lied. 

Bruce wrapped his arms around Alfred tightly. “I love you… And I’m glad you’re home,” Bruce whispered. Alfred smiled as he took in Bruce’s gentle scent. Bruce always smelled so clean. Fresh and crisp, memorably so, like clean linen and green tea. 

“I love you too, Master Bruce…” Alfred pulled away and looked Bruce in the eye. “You’re shaking.”

Bruce smiled with tears in his eyes. Something felt wrong, but he couldn’t get an answer out of Alfred. In the pit of his stomach, he felt something resurface in him. Years worth of dormant anxieties rising up like bile. “I’m just tired… Just tired,” Bruce sniffed. But he wasn’t the only one feeling upset about the strange goings on.

Dick hugged himself until Alfred noticed him and ran to embrace him. It caught Dick off guard, but he melted into it. “I missed you so much,” Dick whispered. 

“I always miss your company, Master Dick,” Alfred smiled.

**

Dick followed Bruce to the home gym and quietly did his morning drills. “Something’s strange,” Bruce announced. Dick stopped and stared into space at the parallel bars. 

“They’re gonna forget about me,” Dick mumbled.

“They’re scouting you for the Olympics… Dick, you’re a star in this family. No one’s gonna forget you. You’re my baby brother—.”

“But now they’ll have a girl… And Mom’s crazy about her. I just started calling them Mom and Dad, Bruce—.” Dick’s phone rang, and Bruce motioned for him to answer. Dick answered and put the phone on speaker. “Hey…” 

“Dick, sweetie, where are you?” Martha asked.

“I’m in the gym with Bruce,” Dick answered. 

“Can I talk to you in the living room in a minute? It’s important,” Martha whispered. Dick looked at Bruce. 

“I’m sending him over right now, Mom,” Bruce replied. Dick frowned at him. “He’s going. Right, Dick? ” Bruce hugged him and sent him away. 

Dick sighed as he kept Martha on the phone. “Dick, I failed to realize something important this morning. I forgot to give you your gift. I got you something while we were in Dakota City, and I know green is a big nono in the circus but this is just for gymnastics,” Martha replied, “I was thinking about that story you told me about your mother, and I—. There was this ballet and gymnastics store, and I saw the cutest little—. Oh, Dick, you’ve just gotta see it.”

“You got me something? You didn’t have to get me anything, Mom—.”

“Nonsense. You’re my baby boy. I couldn’t come home for you without a gift. I got something for Bruce, too, but he’s preoccupied. I can tell,” Martha replied. 

Dick entered through the foyer and took off his shoes before meeting Martha in the living room and hanging up his phone. Martha smiled and gave him a gift box. He sat on the arm of the couch next to her and tore off the wrapping paper before removing a yellow and green gymnastics singlet and a color block sweatshirt. It was beige with a round burgundy collar and cuffs and little yellow letters for the logo. “Alfred helped me stitch on the letters on the back. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t—.”

Dick choked back tears as he read the big letters on the back. “Robin,” Dick whispered. 

“If it’s not okay for me to call you that—. Is it too—?” 

“You can call me Robin. I love it, Mom,” Dick whispered as he embraced her. 

**

The little girl followed Alfred to the gym, holding a glass of juice in one hand and his arm in the other. She had one of Martha’s college sweatshirts on as pajamas. Alfred stopped by the door and crouched beside her, taking a single finger to tap her nose. “How I wonder what you are,” Alfred whispered in a little sing-song voice. Her lips twitched into a little smile. “I haven’t had a chance to thank you, but I’m very grateful that we crossed paths.” 

He stood up straight and escorted her to the gym where Bruce worked on the heavy bag. She set her juice on the ground and tugged the bottom of Bruce’s shirt. Bruce pointed to the heavy bag, and she pointed to him and held her fists up. Bruce threw a playful punch and she blocked it before sending a punch his way. He caught her fist, smiling at the shock of the force behind her tiny fist. Bruce got low and tried to see if she could hold her own as well as Alfred said. 

“Master Bruce!” Alfred exclaimed.

“It’s alright. I won’t hurt her,” Bruce reassured him. 

Bruce tried to knock her off balance and after a few minutes of sparring with him, the nameless girl knocked him on his back with such force that it knocked the wind out of him. She curled up by his side on the floor, and he smiled once he could breathe again. He turned toward her, and she stood up and helped him up. “Well, I think I found out what language she speaks,” Bruce half-joked as he squared up.

[slvtforfiction]

How about meeting Jakes family for the first time? Maybe for the holidays since they’re coming up 👀

Family ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

☆ AHHHH

☆ Anon lots of love <3

☆ Jake Webber X Reader ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

☆ Fluff ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

☆ MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

☆ Masterlist

☆ Part 2

☆ Hey guys! Before anything else I would ask you to request anything you want because I've lost a lot of motivation and it would really help! :D

Creds to @cafekitsune for dividers :)

“Hey love?” Jake called out as I sat in the living room watching YouTube. “I’m in the living room!” I shouted unaware of where he was.

“Can I ask you something?” He said looking at me gently, “Yeah sure what’s up?” I said,pausing the tv and turning to look at him.

“Do you want to go to my parents this year? Like we can go there for Christmas dinner?” He asked and my eyes lit up. “Yes!” I said excitedly.

This wasn’t my first Christmas with Jake,we had been dating for a little over 3 years and I was excited to be a bigger part of his life.

The holidays had been long awaited,Christmas especially. Our apartment was decorated by late November and hot chocolates and late night drives became more regular.

The Christmas tree me and Jake had decorated was beautiful,the golden silver colours lit up the room and the flowers were set on the kitchen island.

“You’re excited,huh?” He said teasingly, “I’ve always liked Christmas,im just happy I get to spend the time with you.” I said softly smiling up at him.

“What you watching?” He asked and I looked at the screen then back at him “One of Sam and Colby’s videos.” I said smiling up at him as he sat down next to me,cuddling up with me under my blankets.

“So this is it.” I said smiling at him as we knocked on his parents door. They quickly opened it,clearly happy to see me.

“Hi!” I said smiling at his parents as they invited me and Jake in.I looked around their house and it was beautiful,stunning even.

“Hi! How are you? You must be this Y/n we’ve been hearing about!” His mum replied smiling at me contently.

“Yeah! I must say I love your house it’s so beautiful.” I said to her as I shook her hand.

“Awh thank you dear.” She said smiling at me. “Would you like to help me in the kitchen?” She asked and I smiled back at her “Yeah,ofcourse!” I replied happily.

Jake pulled out my chair as I sat down with him sitting next to me,I looked down the table seeing the rest of his family members,conversing with a few.

“This looks amazing,thank you mum.” Jake smiled at her “Oh no,thank Y/n she’s a wizz in the kitchen you know!” She said smiling whilst looking at both of us as me and Jake laughed to ourselves.

“Awh thank you but honestly it was all you.” I said laughing to myself as everyone began to load up their plates.

I dug into my meal as I spoke to everyone around me,Jake occasionally giving me encouraging glances.

“So how did you two meet?” His mum asked and everyone glanced over at me,I looked over at Jake and he smiled at me taking my hand in his,his mum asked us almost every time she saw us and it was sweet to relive the story.

“He was filming a YouTube video and our friend invited me to be in it and honestly the rest is history.” I giggled to myself.

I remembered the video vividly when Johnnie invited me I smiled and took the chance to meet his friends.

The video consisted of truth or dare where Jake practically learnt everything about me and before I left I had managed to get his number and Johnnies approval.

“That’s sweet.” His mum and dad said in unison and me and Jake agreed.I smiled as I ate the food,the smell alone enough to make me hungry. I sipped on the white wine which had been placed infront of me.

The table was full of family and close friends,the faint music in the background and the occasional conversation as we all dug into our meals.

Jake spared glances my way occasionally smiling at me with hearts in his eyes. Our relationship was the talk of the table and I smiled shyly as we were discussed.

Jake told me it would happen and it was nothing bad,just the slight feeling of attention made me shy.

I smiled as we finished the dinner,helping his mum wash up the dishes as we spoke and then got the dessert ready to bring in.

We walked into the dining room with plates of Christmas pudding and handed them out,occasionally going back to the kitchen to grab more plates.

I sat back down next to Jake and smiled at his as I picked up my fork and dug into the pudding,as everyone around us seemed to do the same.

I smiled at Jake’s mum and said a polite thank you as she smiled back at me taking another bite of her food as I did the same.

Jake finished up his plate,as did I and then we announced we had presents in the car and we were going out to get them.

We went out to the car and quickly grabbed the presents as we walked back into the house afterwards,our arms entwined with presents.

We nudged open the door and began to hand out the gifts ; which everyone seemed to like.

Me and Jake snuggled together in bed after a long day ; visiting our families,the long drive to their house etc.

“Hey,I got you something but I wanted to give it to you when we were alone.” He told me and he removed his arms from around me and ruffled around in his underwear draw for a moment.

He came and sat down on the edge of the bed and I asked what it was,he got down on one knee opening the little box.

The ring was beautiful,three diamonds edged in the front,the rest of the band being silver.

I quickly sat up in bed looking at him, “Y/n,will you take me to be your husband?” He asked me and I almost jumped on top of him as I hugged him and shed a few tears of happiness.

“Yes!” I yelled out and he kissed my cheek putting the ring onto my hand.

[strwbrryscent]

೯ ⁺ 𖥻 no more paradise on earth . ᰋ

Social media au / Some written parts !

summary: Reader was a Kook as a child, always hanging around Sarah and Rafe, becoming best friends with them really quickly, in part because her parents were the richest family on the island. Due the sudden death of her parents, the Camerons got custody of her. But while living with them she discovered things that maybe she wasn’t meant to know, especially the truth about her parents death and the disappearance of Big John Routledge.

pairing: Rafe Cameron x Ex Kook! Pogue!Reader

warnings: english is not my first language, so there may be some grammar errors, if you notice please let me know

NAVIGATION ! 05 ⌯ 06 ⌯ 07 masterlist. 𝜗𝜚

It was a habit that you two had, when someone was down or feeling sad he just went to sleep in the other’s room. It was something that you did since you were children.

You remember vividly the first time that it happened. It was winter and you were having a sleepover with Sarah, when your friend fell asleep you got scared because it was storming outside and you instinctively ran towards Rafe’s room, you didn’t know each other that well at the time but you were too embarrassed to wake up Sarah. When he saw you he was confused but he just made space for you in the bed, under the blankets, staying up all night just in case you would wake up and get scared again.

Since then when something bad happens to you and you don’t know what to do you just go inside his room and seek for comfort. You don’t necessarily talk, you just stay in his arms.

Today was no different, you couldn’t avoid the fact that you were feeling nauseous, especially because he knows you too much for you to deny it. So you just put on your pyjamas, took off your makeup and quietly left the room.

When you arrived the door was already cracked open, on the other side of it there was Rafe waiting for you. It didn’t took you much to get inside the room and closing the door behind you, after everything that happened to you in the last couple of days you felt like you deserved it.

“Hi” you said in a quiet tone, making your way towards his bed, “Hi” he replied, making you space next to him on the bed.

You just walked over, slipping under the blankets as your head found the comfort of his chest with him wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

“Are you gonna tell me what happened? You look upset since we came back from dad’s office” his fingers gently playing with strands of hair he found on your shoulder.

“It’s nothing, i just feel dizzy and” not even the time to finish your sentence that you were interrupted again by the boy, this Cameron behaviour of interrupting people needs to stop.

“Liar” he said before stopping for a second, trying to think about something else, “If you didn’t want to talk about it you could’ve just said that, when you lie you speak in a quieter tone of voice”

“You need to stop interrupting people when they talk” you replied, pinching his biceps causing him to scrunch his nose a little bit.

“I hate you” he said, “You don’t, let me sleep now”

And with that you turned on your side, closing your eyes as you felt Rafe’s arms wrap around your waist and his head on the crook of your neck.

Some people, Sarah included, called this behaviour that you two had weird, mainly because you weren’t in a relationship and you always stated that you didn’t like each other, but at the end you always ended up in his room, not for anything sexual of course.

But when you weren’t with Sarah you were with him, sometimes you even crashed his days with Topper and Kelce watching them play golf, which they didn’t mind but they always thought that it was weird how Rafe acted around you, especially because he always jumped to one girl to another, like all the time.

But you didn’t care, it was none of your business and you had your own problems to think about, especially now.

You got new notifications, unlock your phone and tap to view !

a/n: i like wrote this part five times because i didn’t like it, and kinda still don’t.. anyways i’m alive, i’ll try to post more after this week but school is killing me

🏷️ : @lilahrosee / @raeven-marie43 / @cyberkitty1 / @theultimatejoe / @starkeysfile / @marleymarleymarleymarley / @rafecameronswifeyy / @hello-therree

[writerfae]

Christmas movie au Advent Calendar 🎄

Day Twenty-One: (☃️)Snow globe(☃️)

Christmas special tag list: @bunnymermaidsblog @deadlycupid @dustylovelyrun @ladywithalamp @sleepy-night-child @theguywithnonickname

After dinner, they sat cuddled up on the couch.

Aiden made himself a home in between Talon’s legs, head leaning against his chest and Talon’s arms securely wrapped around him.

Talon wouldn’t mind staying like this forever, freezing this moment in to put it in a snow globe and hold on to it forever.

It felt an awful lot like the calm before a storm and he pulled Aiden even closer to himself.

“What was Christmas like for you? Before your family stopped celebrating, I mean?” Aiden asked and Talon froze for a second.

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to talk about it,” he added quietly, fingers drawing patterns near Talon’s collarbone as if to soothe him.

“No, I want to.” Talon gulped. “It’s just… it’s been so long…”

Yet he remembered it vividly, he just hadn’t allowed himself to think about it.

“When I was younger, Christmas was my highlight of the year. We usually spent it at my uncle Kieran’s house, because it was big enough to host such an event. And it really was an event. Most of my family was there, as well as my uncle’s friends.

There was a huge Christmas tree in the main hall and decoration everywhere and the largest table I had ever seen, filled with so much food us children thought it could feed a whole village.”

He chuckled.

“Uncle Kieran always hosted nice Christmas parties like this with music and buffet and a present exchange. It was a sight to behold and everyone had so much fun. I think you would’ve liked it. It was like in one of those Christmas movies.”

Talon’s hand found its way in Aiden’s hair as he kept talking.

“But what I always liked best was Christmas Eve before it, where it was just my parents, my sister, Kieran and me.

My mom would’ve prepared dinner and even got dad to help her with it and my uncle played with us children. He taught me a new Christmas song to play on either the violin or the guitar each year.”

He smiled fondly, lost in the memories. He had almost forgotten how he had loved the holiday.

“My sister and me had to play something on the instrument before we got our presents - my family was very traditional when it came to things like this. And then we got our presents.

My uncle always got me the things my dad would never have bought for me, no matter how much I begged him. Stuff like video games or action figures.

One year he gifted me a violin, way too valuable for a child my age, but he said that a professional needed a professional instrument.”

Talon’s father had been skeptical if this was a good present for a five year old, but Kieran had insisted.

He had his first own violin when he was even younger, he claimed.

“Talent needs to be supported,” he said, laying his hand on Talon’s head. “And Talon has plenty of talent.”

Talon wanted to be a musician back then, but that childhood dream had died with his uncle, probably even before.

After all, he’d inherit a family business.

“That sounds nice,” Aiden whispered, as if afraid that him speaking any louder would scare Talon away.

Talon nodded.

“He was. And with his present came a Christmas card. He wrote one for me every year, addressing it to “his favorite nephew”, until the very last Christmas we shared together before he…”

He fell silent.

“I still have all of them, in my apartment somewhere. I couldn’t bring myself to leave them behind when I moved out. It was always our little tradition.”

He hadn’t even noticed the single tear running down his cheek before Aiden shifted in his lap and leaned up to kiss it away.

“You must’ve really loved him. I’m sorry,” he cupped Talon’s cheek with a hand.

Talon leaned into it, closing his eyes.

“I did.” He opened them again to look at Aiden. “Thank you.”

His voice was barely about a whisper but they were so close Aiden understood it nonetheless.

He kissed him then.

Because he wanted to and Aiden was right here, in front of him, and life was too short to miss out on even the smallest chances he got to do it.

After a while, Aiden pulled away, taking Talon’s face in both of his hands and Talon almost started to tear up again just at the gentleness of this gesture.

“Your uncle and the Christmases you shared with him sound really great. I’m sorry that you lost all that. But I hope you’ll at least find your joy in Christmas again. I think your uncle would want it, too.”

He was probably right with that.

For so many years Talon had been busy pushing away all the negative feelings regarding his uncle and Christmas, that he didn’t notice that it kept out all the good feelings and memories he had, too.

All it took for him to achieve this clarity was to be sent into this little Christmas-loving town of all places.

That and the person in front of him.

Aiden had given him so much. He deserved to know the truth. Despite that knowledge weighing down on him, he smiled, putting his hands over Aiden’s.

“I did find it. Thanks to you.”

Aiden let go of Talon and leaned back, just looking at Talon.

“I’m glad,” he said then and smiled.

Shortly after, Aiden excused himself to go get them something to drink and Talon was left alone in the warm living room of Aiden’s house.

It was already cozy to begin with, but the Christmas decorations that were added recently gave the room a whole different charm.

Talon found it comfortable here, there was a feeling of warmth and safety in the air.

Like a magical aura surrounding the room.

Talon let his eyes wander through the room, taking it all in.

This here: this room, this house, the farm… Talon promised himself to find a way to protect it, no matter the prize he had to pay.

His gaze got stuck on something that sat on the mantelpiece of the huge fireplace, something he hadn’t noticed before.

He stood up to get to look at it from up closer.

It was a snow globe, he realized as he stood in front of the fireplace.

A very pretty snow globe, big and heavy enough that he needed both of his hands to be able to properly hold it.

Inside the snow globe was a little scenery:

Snow covering the floor and dusting the four Christmas trees in the background and before it a prettily decorated carriage loaded with a bag of presents, drawn by a single white horse and with no one less than Santa himself holding the reigns.

Next to Santa, a little girl with black curls sat in the carriage. Maybe she was supposed to be an elf or an angel, from the look of her it could’ve been both.

The pedestal the globe stood on was red with little handmade decorations in gold and green drawn on it. In the middle of it stood a name:

Ranva.

It was a pretty sight and as he slowly turned the little clockwork key on the back, gentle glistening snow was swirling around the globe.

He smiled to himself, carefully setting the snow globe down again.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Aiden’s voice asked close to his ear and Talon was glad he had put the snow globe down already, otherwise he would’ve most likely dropped it.

“Yes, very.” He turned to look at Aiden, who stood next to him, eying the snow globe fondly.

“It was my mother’s,” he said, reaching out and gently swiping his finger over the engraved name on the pedestal.

“She got it as a gift from her parents when she was little, cause the girl looked like her. It was one of the few things she took with her as she came here.”

He smiled.

“It was kind of our tradition, you know? Each year for Christmas she put the snow globe on the mantelpiece.

And each year on Christmas Eve she took it from its rightful place, sat down on the couch with it and let my brother and me cuddle up to her, telling us the story about a girl and how she got to help out Santa.“

A chuckle escaped his lips.

“It was the only time we were allowed to hold it, otherwise it had to remain where it was. My mom wasn’t really a strict mother but she took this one rule very serious.”

He sighed.

“The first two or so year after her death, we couldn’t put the snow globe up for Christmas, because father would freak out about it.

I put it in my room, once, because it made me feel like she was with us for Christmas, you know? But dad saw it and had a mental breakdown. I didn’t dare to put it back up ever since.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Talon said, grabbing Aiden’s hand.

Aiden squeezed their joined hands lightly, then he let go and used it to brush away the tears gathering in his eyes.

“It’s okay. The years after her death have been hard, but he’s better now. Now when he looks at it, he’s smiling, not crying. We have it up for the fifth year in a row this Christmas.”

“That’s nice.” Aiden smiled sadly. “It is…” He looked away.

“What is it?” Talon asked, making Aiden look at him. “What’s wrong?”

Aiden sighed, closing his eyes.

“I was just thinking about how this will probably be our last Christmas here.”

He opened his eyes to look at Talon and for the first time since they knew each other Talon wished those eyes wouldn’t look at him so directly, so he didn’t have to see the sadness in them.

And so that Aiden couldn’t see the guilt in his.

“What are you talking about?”

Stop lying, Talon scolded himself. You know exactly what he is talking about. You need to tell him.

“It’s senseless to keep up hope. We won’t be able to get enough money to save the farm, so we have to take the offer of these people.

Mr. Hawkins made a good offer, it will be enough to start a comfortable life someplace new but… it kills me to think about losing the farm. Not just not living or working here anymore, but it just being… gone.

Thinking about some stupid hotel or mall or whatever it is that they want to build here and that this town doesn’t need standing in its stead. Generations of family history lost…

I don’t want to be the one of my family who failed. I don’t want to be the reason father loses his whole legacy. Our legacy.”

His grip on Talon grew more desperate with every word and Talon’s heart broke at the same time as Aiden’s voice.

“He barely survived losing mom.”

Tears threatened to fall, but Aiden didn’t cry again. Didn’t allow himself too, probably.

Too strong for it.

Too proud.

“I don’t want him to lose the place that he made his home with her, too.”

Tell him, his mind screamed. You need to tell him.

Talon wasn’t as strong as Aiden, he did start to cry, silent tears falling from his face without his consent.

This was it then, the final moment. The one that would ruin everything.

But he couldn’t keep going like this, lying to Aiden about it all.

It would be selfish, dishonest, disrespectful.

It would be no basis for a relationship.

“I’m sorry, Aiden,” he said, grief tying up his throat. “I’m so so sorry.”

His reaction surprised Aiden so much that he let go of him.

“What’s wrong?”

Concern showed in his eyes, concern for Talon, even though it was Aiden who had all the worries.

And Talon was just about to cause him even more.

He didn’t deserve Aiden’s concern.

“Aiden, I-“ Talon took a deep breath.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

[hypersonic04]

'Tis The Damn Season

I know it's only september, but i just love writing christmas one shots so much lol. i hope you all love this because it was so comforting and cosy to write!!

word count: 3,574

Your boots crunch in the snow, muffled in the emptiness of the path you were dragging your suitcase down. You check your watch - half past two. You'd promised to be there by 1 o'clock, but work had kept you at your desk in London for an extra couple of hours.

If only they hadn't chosen a cottage in the middle of nowhere to be the family Christmas destination.

It was tradition: every year, on the 24th of December, everyone descended on your mother's best friends' cottage, hidden out in the snowy countryside. Fond memories of opening presents with your brothers and her sons, building their newly gifted race car tracks and trying to fit your Barbie dolls in their monster trucks. Now, though, things are different, evenings spent drinking wine and listening to how successful your brother's business is, rather than playing Monopoly and falling asleep on a 15 year old Ross Macdonald's shoulder. You cringe to yourself even now as you remember how clumsy and awkward you were - he was a couple of years older than you, and you vividly remember listening to him shyly talk about his band at the Christmas dinner table, cheeks turning pink and yours even pinker when he met your graceless, 14-year-old-crush gaze. You'd seen his success, and you were immeasurably proud of him, but there was always something that made your heart ache, seeing him on magazines and at awards shows, and knowing that your distant childhood memories were that, really: distant.

You almost cry with happiness when you spot the house in the distance. Your pace quickens, dragging the hefty suitcase along behind you. The sky is unbelievably clear and blue, the air crisp with December cold, a scarf wrapped around your neck and tucked into your coat. Your boots are rubbing at your ankles, your nose red and freezing - opening the door to the cottage you've been to every Christmas of your life has never felt as joyous as it does right now.

A room full of warm, lit up faces.

"She's here!"

The room glows with love. You're engulfed in hugs, kisses to your rosy, cold cheeks, your mum taking your scarf from you and a glass of mulled wine shoved into your hand. The Christmas tree stands in the corner, familiar ornaments hanging there like they'd been up since the previous year. You were the last person to arrive, one of your brothers sat on the sofa, Ross' brother attempting to kindle the fire, your other brother having an in depth chat with Ross' dad about Formula 1.

"You're freezing cold, my girl," Bella, your mother's friend, holds your hands in hers, "how have you been?"

She moves to hold you at arms length, looking at you like she did when you were a little girl. A fondness in her eyes, warm and homely, a sense of knowing.

"I'm okay! You know, busy with work and everything." Smiling at her, you squeeze her hands gently. Her eyes linger on you for a few seconds, lips forming a line.

"Well, you look as gorgeous as ever, darling." She tucks a curl behind your ear, tilting her head a little.

The creak of the stairs is what draws you away from her indistinguishable expression.

He's wearing a maroon knit sweater, dark wash, blue jeans, white socks padding down the staircase. His hair is what makes you swallow heavily, pulled back into a bun and his beard seemingly darker and a little longer than last time. He ducks his head under the beam when he reaches the last step.

"I've sorted the spare room, Mum-"

His face softens when he sees you. His mouth agape a little, stopping mid-sentence, the corners of his mouth curling upwards softly. He stutters over his words for a second before a string of 'hello's' and 'didn't know you'd got here's tumbled out of his mouth.

You can't hold back the smile that graces your face at the sight of him. It's Ross.

His mum steps to the side for a second as he makes his way over, raising her eyebrows at your mum like gossiping teenagers. You know exactly what they're insinuating, the same thing they've insinuated every year since you were about 13.

He smiles at you so softly, eyes creasing in the corner as he leans down to give you a hug. One arm wrapped around you shoulders, the other around your back, yours around his waist. The fabric of his sweater is so soft under your touch, his aftershave pleasant as you inhale gently. Closing your eyes for a second, you allow yourself to slot into his hold, the familiar pair of arms around you warming you up more than any fireplace or red wine ever could.

"What time did you get here?" He says, pulling away from you and shoving a hand into his pocket, the other coming up to scratch the back of his neck.

"About five minutes ago, I was running late anyway, but then the taxi driver wouldn't drive any further down the footpath." You laugh lightly.

"I'd have come to give you a hand if I'd have known, sorry, I-" He has an apologetic expression, eyebrows raising a little.

"No, it's fine!" You frown a little with a shake of your head, "I had no signal anyway, wouldn't have been able to ring you."

He nods in agreement, rolling his eyes, "I ask them all the time why they picked to live in the middle of a field." He laughs.

"Ross, did you take the turkey out of the freezer earlier?" His mum calls to him, the sound of her in the kitchen filling both your ears and nostrils, the delicious smell of Bella's famous Christmas Eve feast filling the room. He purses his lips, eyes going wide and a giggle escaping your lips, hand coming over your mouth.

"Shit." He laughs boyishly, "Didn't you ask Dad to do that?" He calls after her, walking off into the kitchen.

You stand there for a second, the grin on your face immovable, arms folded over your stomach.

"What are you smiling at, hm?" Your eldest brother raises his eyebrows at you teasingly, picking up your suitcase for you.

"Shut up." You huff, rolling your eyes in classic younger sister fashion.

The teasing about your crush on Ross had been a constant in your life. You'd never explicitly told anyone about it, but the way you reacted when they'd bring him up in conversation was enough.

"He's single, you know?" He mumbles as you follow him upstairs, into your spare room.

"Who's single?" You play dumb, keeping your eyes on the floor as he turns his head to you, scoffing.

"Oh, give it a rest. You bloody know who."

Setting your suitcase on the bed, he leaves you to unpack and get settled. It's the same room you stayed in every year - a singular, rectangular window overlooking the front garden, flowered wallpaper at Bella's persistence, her excuse being that she never had girls. The light blue bedspread brings back memories of Christmas mornings gone by, the boys waking you up because you were always the last one awake. Your mind wanders as you unpack, setting sweaters and mini skirts and sparkly New Years' dresses on the bed, so the tap at the door takes you by surprise.

"Sorry, 'didn't mean to make you jump." Ross stands in the doorway, greeting you with a creased grin.

"Oh, it's fine." You laugh softly, awkwardly even, playing with the hem of the pyjama bottoms in your hand. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I was just wondering if you fancied going to the pub later? Rob said it's a pub quiz or something, thought you'd like it."

"Sure, yeah. I'll come." You nod with a sweet smile, watching as he nods back at you with pursed lips.

"We're leaving in about an hour, so..." His voice trails off a little, and you notice how his eyes move up and down your figure, blinking profusely. You suddenly feel conscious, standing there in a pair of old mom jeans and the most basic of t shirts, something you'd thrown on in a hurry. Christ knows what your hair looks like.

His eyes linger for a second, dropping down to the suitcase laid out flat on the bed. A smirk graces his lips, before turning on his heel and heading back downstairs, his footsteps light on the wooden floorboards. Your cheeks flush bright red when you turn back to the open suitcase - a pair of your laciest knickers, black with little frills on the sides, placed almost perfectly in his eye line, right next to a matching red pair. You stand for a second with your lips pulled inwards, closing your eyes. That did not just happen.

Post-unpacking, you head back downstairs and try to pretend that Ross seeing your underwear isn't the only thing consuming your mind. Everyone's sat around the living room, some Christmas special on the television, the faintest falling of snow like a picture through the window. It's getting darker, the warm glow of Bella's fairy lights in every nook and cranny bathing the cottage in the most festive light. It's freezing outside, but the company in the house makes it the warmest it's been all year.

Coats and scarves are donned, boots pulled on and hats on heads. It's the five of us, and the familiarity and nostalgia of it makes me feel warm. I look at their faces for a second, older yet the memories of our youth peeking through their boyish smiles and loud laughs.

"Be careful, you lot, it's really coming down now." Your mum looks through the kitchen window.

"And remember your key, Ross. I don't want you waking us up at God knows what time."

"Mum, I'm 34 years old, I've got my key." He rolls his eyes with a laugh, his mum fondly hitting his fleece-covered arm.

Your mum was right, the snow was really coming down now.

"Shit." You mumble as you stumble down the path a little, boots sticking in the snow.

The boys are a bit further ahead, as per usual, but Ross hangs back when he sees you struggling. He looks to them for a second, like he wants to tell them to wait for you both, but he decides against it.

"Shouldn't have worn those boots, you know. Docs are rubbish in the snow." He says, holding his hand out to you as you near him. You take it gladly, the material of your gloves sticking together. His hold is firm, keeping you stable.

"Alright, 'dad', bloody hell." You tease, the sound of his laugh heavenly.

"Sorry, sorry." He smiles, glancing down at you. He grins at the way the snowflakes settle in your hair, watching as you brush them off your eyelashes. "Always walking off and leaving us." He gestures to the three of them ahead.

"Some things never change, hm?"

"Yeah, I guess not."

He looks down at you for a second and you meet his gaze. There's something unspoken there, some ulterior meaning. He runs his thumb over your gloved hand, and you rest your head on his arm affectionately, feeling him squeeze your hand. There's a smile on both of your faces, knowing, just like his mum earlier.

"How's things with the band?" You ask after lifting your head from his bicep, looking up at him.

"Good, yeah. Really good." There's a look on his face that you don't always see when you're all sat around talking about work. He seems truly content, proud. "You should come and see us play. We're on tour in February."

Your face lights up at the suggestion and his stomach twists, the way your eyes widen and lips curve upwards making him toasty in the cold of the snow. It's darker now, street lamps lighting the path as you all trundle down it, but the glow that seems to exist when you're together is brighter than any of them.

"That would be wonderful." You smile sweetly and hold his arm with your other hand.

The boys wait up for you, and you find yourselves suddenly letting go of each other. They roll their eyes, surprised that the two of you are still keeping up with the 'we're totally not in love with each other' act.

The pub is bustling when you get there. Groups of friends who have evidently been day drinking laughing loudly, couples stood in dimly lit corners, music playing over the speakers. It's trimmed up with garlands and wreaths on every door, candles lit at every table. Ross heads to the bar whilst the rest of you find a table to sit at. You take the booth seat, as does Ross when he returns with five pints and a packet of peanuts, your favourite.

You do the quiz, and despite not winning, you treat yourself to a shot in the excuse of it being Christmas. Time passes on, people recommending songs and the night slowly turning into karaoke. You laugh into Ross' arm, slowly getting closer and closer to each other throughout the night until you're pressed into each other's side.

"I think I might go back, I'm shattered." Ross' brother yawns, your own nodding in agreement. You frown a little, looking at your still half full pint from the round that you'd payed for.

"We can stay, if you want." Ross nudges your side, your faces inches apart. "We're going to stay until y/n's finished her pint, lads."

They look between each other for a second before nodding in agreement, exchanging hugs with you and a brief "get back safe" before leaving. Your youngest brother pushes the door open with his back, giving you a thumbs up as he leaves, immediately making you roll your eyes at him.

"Do you want to stay for one more?" Ross asks as he watches you drink your current pint. You open your mouth and close it again, nodding perhaps a little too eagerly.

You never want the night to end. The rest of the evening is spent giggling together like teenagers over things that happened years ago, talking about past failed relationships, and everything in between. His arm is around you, the occasional kiss to your forehead or a hold of his hand.

"He didn't deserve you, y/n." He looks down at you with raised eyebrows and lips pulled inwards. "I knew it from the second I met him."

"Did you really?" You wince at the thought of everyone around you being able to see that your boyfriend is a dickhead, but you.

"Mhm, hated him. That was the worst Christmas of my life."

"Jesus Christ, Ross. I don't think he was that bad!" You laugh loudly and he shakes his head.

"What, watching him all over you for a week? Torture."

It takes you by surprise, and you can tell he's shocked at his bravery when he tales a rather large gulp of beer. You analyse his face for a second, a look of what might be panic on his face. He meets your gaze for a second before averting his eyes back to the dodgy singer doing a rendition of Last Christmas.

"Well, I never really liked any of your girlfriends, either." You quip, watching as he relaxes a little, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Oh, really? Which one?" He cocks his head upwards, looking at you with intrigue.

"What was she called, the really tall one? She pretended I didn't exist the whole time I was here, Ross."

"Oh, yeah..." He scrunches his nose up, "Sorry about that."

"It's okay, it was ages ago." You shrug.

You sit in silence for a few seconds, both of you pretending to watch karaoke, but rather pondering what the other had just said.

"I don't think I'd like any of your boyfriends, y/n." He says suddenly, looking at you intensely. You try to read his mind, to see if he's actually just said what you'd heard.

"Why's that?" You frown.

"You know why." He scoffs. Your eye contact is intense, immovable, the brown of his eyes almost like a honey colour in the light of the pub. Your eyes flick down to his lips, then back up to his eyes. You've been close to things like this before with him, sat perhaps a little too close together on the sofa on Boxing Day, or sharing a cigarette outside on the seat swing when everyone else is asleep, but never like this.

"I don't know why, Ross." You play dumb, the faintest smirk forming on your lips. He watches your mouth as it curves, his own mirroring you.

"Don't be like this." He laughs airily, his arm along the back of your seat, body tilted towards you.

The call for last orders takes you both out of your moment, almost like coming back down to Earth.

"We should probably go home."

"Yeah, you're right."

You stumble out of the pub, the snow still falling gently, your bellies warm from the alcohol and company.

"Come on, you." He teases, hooking his arm through yours.

"If I remember right, I think it was you that nearly decked it last time we went out, so I should be looking after you, really." You giggle, watching as he groans a bit, shaking his head.

"Why are you bringing that up, seriously?" He laughs, admiring how funny you find the memory.

"Wasn't it about here, as well?" You point at the street.

"Oh, give it a rest." He holds the hand that's hooked through his arm.

The walk back seems to take forever, the two of you laughing loudly and being silly, the smile on your face the biggest all year. The lights are still on when you get home, the cottage glowing like a beacon in the dark, white-covered field.

"Do you ever miss being at home? You know, when it looks so pretty, like this." You ask, walking hand in hand, a little drunkenly.

"I mean, sometimes. I think it's more about missing the people and what being at home usually means. Y'know, being with my mum and dad, and you and everyone."

You come to a halt on the path leading up to the house, turning to him for a second. He's illuminated by the warmth of the house, his coat zipped up right around his neck, cheeks rosy and eyes drowsy.

"Can't we just pretend for the weekend, Ross?" You look at him pleadingly and he frowns.

"Pretend what?"

"Like we're not terrified of ruining everything. Just for one Christmas, can't we just pretend that we're not scared of what might happen?"

He looks at you for a second, his eyes scanning over your face for some kind of secret, hidden message.

"Are you sure?"

You nod, your brow down-turned for a second as you worry that you have, in fact, ruined everything.

The kiss he places on your lips proves that wrong. He holds your face in both hands, yours firmly wrapped around his wrists, leaning into his kiss. It's even better than you ever dreamed of. It's warm, and gentle, and perfect. His eyes are starry when he pulls away, dazed even, and your heart feels as though it could burst.

"Can we stay together tonight?" He says lowly, faces inches apart and still resting in the tenderness of his hands. You hum with a nod, following him onto the porch and into the house. Bella must've left the lights on, because everyone's asleep. It's silent, TV off and bedroom doors shut, and it's like you're teenagers sneaking around.

You head upstairs and change into the checked pyjamas you'd bought especially for Christmas Eve. Looking in the mirror, your cheeks are full and aglow, curls soaked from the snow that'd melted.

The familiar knock at your door doesn't startle you this time. He's wearing a t-shirt and plaid bottoms, his hands on your hips already comfortable. He walks you back towards the bed, the backs of your legs hitting it and his hold keeping you steady. You can feel him smiling as he kisses you, pulling away for a second.

"I can't even tell you how much I've thought about this." He whispers, looking down at your lips. You run your hands through his hair, now down and making your stomach twist in ways you didn't know it could.

"Me too." You whisper back.

The opening of a bedroom door and feet in the hallway makes you freeze on the spot. Your eyes widen when the bathroom door opens, the room next to your bedroom, whilst his crease in muffled laughter. You hit his shoulder, hiding your face in his chest. The two of you stand silence until the footsteps have gone back the way they came and doors are closed.

"Oh my god." You sigh, shaking your head with a laugh.

The two of you settle in the single bed in your room, his warm hands under your pyjama top, calloused and rough fingertips against your smooth skin. It feels like making up for lost time, lost touches, nights when you've slept in an empty bed and wondered whether he's thinking of you too.

And although it's the same room you've always slept in for Christmas, the same bed sheets, its the warmest bed you've ever known that evening.

[ottopilot-wrote-this]

A New Year

Pete laid across his living room sofa, mindlessly scrolling his timeline. The dim ambient light and the cool glow of the television were all that illuminated his living room. Anderson Cooper, already tipsy, was telling viewers there were mere minutes before the ball would start its descent, ushering in the new year.

Yeah, except the ball dropped three hours ago, Pete thought. Live, my ass. Just hurry up so I can go to bed.

He was startled by a sudden knock at the door. Suspiciously, he rose from the couch. Who would be out in this shitty weather at this time of night?

"Pete? Pete, you there?" a woman's muffled voice called out. Pete turned on the outside light and looked out the peephole. It was tough to make out anything, but there was a young woman outside, alone, holding the handle of a hardsided suitcase, huddled in the rain.

Slowly, he opened the door and looked at his midnight visitor. His first impression was she looked like she went swimming in her clothes. Her jeans and her hoodie were saturated, and her dyed red hair was matted against her fair skin. She looked up, her sad brown eyes meeting his, and his heart skipped a beat.

"Hiya, Petey," she said, with a wan smile.

Pete hadn't seen Ronnie since the summer after graduation. He remembered that day vividly. It was a typical scorching summer day in the valley. They had gone out for burgers because he had said he needed to talk to her about something important. He was leaving for Irvine in thirteen days. She wore a tank top and short jean cutoffs, her soft curves barely contained by the threadbare fabric.

That was the day he told her he had been in love with her since the eighth grade.

The woman in front of him seemed to have aged two decades, even though it had only been six years. Dark circles hung under her eyes. Her ebullient personality was replaced with a world-weary cynicism. She looked like she was a day removed from a good meal, and twice as long from restful sleep. It was like seeing the ghost of his former teenage crush.

"If you'd let me in, you can keep staring, but at least we'll both be dry," she said, sardonically.

Pete snapped out of his trance. "Oh, uh, my bad. Yeah, Ronnie, come on in." He gestured to the couch. "Have a seat." He thought to get her a clean towel, but sheepishly realized he didn't have one. "Uh, can I get you a drink? I have a couple of beers..."

Ronnie left the suitcase and her Vans at the entryway. "No, I don't drink... anymore," she said, a frown appearing on her face. "I'll take a water. Tea, if you have it?"

Pete handed her a clean dish towel, which she used to tousle her hair. "Sure. Hot tea. Makes sense. Coming up."

Pete filled up two coffee mugs with water and stuck them in the microwave. "Sorry, this is quite a surprise. What brings you here in this storm?"

Seated on the leather couch, Ronnie shivered in her damp clothes. "Flight got cancelled. Fucking podunk regional airport. My parents dropped me off at the airport, then left for Mexico. They didn't think to trust their adult daughter with a key to their house, I guess," she said with a self-deprecating laugh. "Anyway, I thought of you and I... I wanted to see what you were up to."

Pete handed Ronnie a red coffee mug and a Ziploc baggie of teabags. "I stole these from hotels, take your pick," he said with a nervous laugh. He sat across from her in an easy chair, a UC Irvine coffee mug in his hands.

Ronnie picked out a black tea and dunked it into her mug. "Where's the 'rents, Petey?" she asked, her cold lithe fingers curled around the warm ceramic.

Pete smirked. "Divorced. Dad took a new job in Chicago. Mom got the house, but... there were too many memories here for her. She lives in Sacramento, has a new boyfriend. I moved here after college, and I teaching algebra at the high school. On my own here, but you know me, I've always been happy in my own company."

Ronnie took a sip of tea. "You used to talk about leaving that shithole and never coming back, and now you teach there. Bang up job there, chief."

Pete shifted in his seat and changed the subject. "What are you up to, Ronnie? No one's heard from you. No socials or anything," he said, his tone slightly accusatory.

"I work retail, getting treated like shit for a meager wage, it's exciting stuff," she deadpanned. "I'm taking some classes at a community college. Guess things didn't turn out like either of us expected," Ronnie mused, her voice tinged with sadness. "As for socials, people curating their lives, showing you the good times and keeping the bad times in their drafts... nah, I wasn't interested in that."

Awkward silence filled the space. Ronnie looked down into her tea, while Pete looked at the television, the big moment approaching. On the wall, a large antique clock ticked crisply, the sound reverberating through the quiet room. Finally, Pete spoke softly. "Listen, Ronnie... I'm sorry. About Marcus."

Ronnie flinched, lowering the mug from her face, which was drained of color. "Don't, Pete," her words came terse and halted. "Don't you fucking dare." Her words hung in the uncomfortable silence, the atmosphere rife with unsaid apologies. Ronnie glared across her mug, her eyes full of anger and hurt. Her eyes darted to the clock, relentlessly ticking away, and back to Pete. "I called you. I called you and you didn't pick up, didn't call back."

Pete sighed, leaning back in his chair, rolling his eyes and looking away. "I didn't know, Ronnie," he said defensively. "How was I supposed to know? You ghosted me, I had a broken heart..."

Ronnie slammed the mug on the coffee table, splashing hot water onto her hand and startling Pete. "Don't make excuses, Peter," she growled, her fiery eyes brimming with tears. "You felt the need to unburden yourself about your feelings because you were leaving. What did you think was going to happen, I was going to leave him for you? I was in love! You left me to deal with that.

"Then Marcus died, senselessly I might add, because he was reckless, and stupid. I was eighteen fucking years old, Peter! I lost my best friend and my boyfriend and I had nothing. I was getting drunk every night, I was broken, and I fucking needed you! I thought we were friends!"

On the television, New Yorkers were excitedly cheering in anticipation of the new year. On the wall, seconds ticked away on the clock. Outside, the wind howled and sheets of rain batted against the windows, as the intensity of the storm seemed to match the tension in the living room.

Pete sunk into the chair. She was right, after all. He had been so wrapped up in his own emotions he wasn't there for her in her time of need. Even after he knew the truth weeks later, he couldn't work up the nerve to call and apologize. He had been holding onto that guilt for years, and knowing Ronnie started drinking only made it worse. He wanted badly to apologize, to grovel for her forgiveness, but his throat was tight and he couldn't find the words. Any of them.

Ronnie fumed on the couch, tears streaming down her face. "You're not going to say anything?" she yelled incredulously. She shook her head, fighting the urge to lose her composure even more. Pete sat in silence, frozen, swallowing hard. Ronnie rose from the couch. "This was a mistake," she whispered, her voice quivering. "I'm sorry I spoiled your New Year's party of one."

Ronnie stormed to the door, fumbling with her soggy shoes, and grabbed her suitcase. "Goddammit Ronnie," Pete finally stammered, rising from the chair. "You can't go out there in that storm."

Ronnie turned to face Pete, her beautiful face a canvas of hurt and disappointment. "Watch me. Goodbye, Petey," she said softly. And with a slam of the door, she was gone.

Pete stood there stunned, his breaths shaky and uneven. His body felt cold, as if the blood had run out of his body. Different emotions - anger, at himself; guilt, sorrow, regret - flooded his mind, which screamed at his body to go after her even as he stood motionless. Time seemed to slow to a crawl.

Pete looked at a couple, two men, on his television. They were kissing, their first of the new year, as confetti fell around them. Surrounded by thousands, they shared an intimate moment as if they were the only ones in Times Square, their joy and love evident to an audience of millions.

The clock ticked on the wall, capturing Pete's attention. The ornate wall clock, a gift from his uncle to his parents for their wedding. The clock had outlived the marriage, its constant and unyielding ticking echoing through the silent room. A mocking testament to time lost, and the fragility of relationships.

Another couple on the television, this time a man and woman, but their body language was different than the gay couple. They were clearly old friends, platonic and familiar, hugging each other in the cold, jumping up and down excitedly. Content to be in each other's company, sharing a connectedness that Pete had not had in some time, as he stood alone, looking around his solitary home.

Outside, Ronnie cursed her stupidity, the downpour covering her tears, as she walked away from Pete's house. She had been so foolish, exposing herself to get hurt again. He had clearly learned nothing, and neither had she.

"Ronnie! Wait!" she heard Pete's voice in the night, over the wind. He's out of his goddamned mind if he thinks I'm stopping, she thought, continuing to walk away, her head down, with no destination in mind.

Pete ran after Ronnie in the downpour, which quickly soaked through his white t-shirt and pajama pants, as his flip-flops splashed on the sidewalk. Chilled to the bone, his breath coming in gasps, he yelled again, "Ronnie! Please...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Please come inside."

Hearing his apology, Ronnie stopped. She spun around, water dripping off her bangs into her eyes. "Why? You want to kick me when I'm down, Pete?" she said, raw and vulnerable. "Give me one good reason why I should open myself up to more pain tonight."

The rain ran down Pete's face in the streetlight, and Ronnie could not tell if he had also been crying. "Because it's a new year, Ronnie. Because I don't want to be alone tonight. I'm tired of being alone and isolated, and so are you, or you wouldn't have come here. Let's start over, you and I, and try to rediscover what we used to have before I fucked it all up."

Pete extended his hand, the palm shining in the light as Ronnie looked at it. "Let's get out of the rain, Ronnie. We've both been lonely for too long."

Ronnie looked at his hand, then into his eyes. No longer burning with rage and hurt, the look on her face was filled with uncertainty, as she took a step forward. "I didn't come here to sleep with you, Peter," she whispered, her eyes looking away.

"I'm not asking you to," Pete said warmly. "I'm asking you to come in from this storm and give me a chance to make everything up to you."

"What does that even mean, Pete?"

"Tonight, it just means I let you take a hot shower and sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch. It means hitting the reset button on our friendship." Pete smiled again, tears forming in his blue eyes. "I miss my friend, Ronnie."

Bypassing the outstretched hand, Ronnie threw her arms around Pete, embracing him. For the first time in years, their bodies were in contact with each other, and Pete sighed as he tightly wrapped his forearms around Ronnie's torso, as she heaved with sobs. "I missed you too, you fucking idiot," she cried.

Gently, Pete kissed Ronnie on the cheek in the rain. "Happy New Year, Ronnie."

---

Pete stood in the doorway of his bedroom, dressed in a fresh, dry shirt and pajama bottoms. With the hum of the clothes dryer in the background, he watched Ronnie sleep in his bed. Relaxed and in peaceful slumber, her face no longer carried the weight and anxiety from earlier, and she reminded Pete of the young girl he fell for a decade prior.

Pete closed the bedroom door and made his way to the living room couch. He thought about the serendipitous events of the night, and reflected on the conversations they had before bed. God, how he had missed hearing her true laughter. As he laid he head on a couch cushion and pulled a throw blanket over himself, he considered that he didn't know what the future held for him and Ronnie. But maybe it was true that a new year meant a clean slate, and an opportunity to start anew.

As he drifted off to sleep, the wall clock ticked the seconds away, but he paid it no attention.

[kokushibosbestie]

I need to rant guys.

TW: self harm, SA, hatred, cursing, abuse, overall genuinely harsh words are being used

Im just gonna go right in because I don't feel like being vauge or fake rn. (I'm on my period and I feel like shit)

!!!Background information!!! So, when I was 4, my mom started dating this guy. I'll call him Frank. My mom had previously ran away from my dad with me (when I was 2) bc my biological dad was verbally abusive towards her. We'll call my bio dad Austin. I only have one picture of my bio dad and I never knew what he looked like before seeing that picture. I never got to talk to my dad, and if I did, I don't remember a single word. I was too little to understand. I loved his family though. I vividly remember playing with my grandma and aunt, and baking banana bread with my grandpa (on my bio dads side) but I didn't remember a single moment with him. So I feel like I have a missing part of me bc of that.

Anyway, my mom as very depressed after that and did her best to tale care of me properly. But I never got attention or love from her. She was always stuck to her phone. I began to hate even being in the same room as her and I was only 3. When I turned 4, I began going to pre-k. And that's when my mom started dating Frank. Frank was a really kind guy and always seemed calm. But I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't tell my mom because I felt uncomfortable about it, though. Over the next 2-3 years, Frank and I became closer and I enjoyed his presence because I had no one else to lean on. My mom got a job when I was in 1st grade and we moved into an apartment. (We had been living with my aunt on my moms side before).

!!!SA!!! That's when the sa started. He began to assault me when my mother was gone but told me it was normal. He said, quote "This is our little secret. Don't tell anyone or daddy's gonna get in trouble." (I viewed him as a father figure and he used that to his advantage) Nonetheless, what was I, a 5-6 year old girl going to do to a 26 year old man? So I stayed quiet. As I got older, I realized that this wasn't normal at all and it was bad. Of course, I was about 7 when I had this realization. He noticed that and started threatening me that if I told someone, he'd hurt my mom or the rest of my family. (I love my family with my whole heart and he knew that I'd do anything for them, even at such a young age, so he used that) I told him he could do anything he wanted to me as long as he didn't do anything to my mom or the rest of my (small) family.

The summer before 5th grade is when things went really downhill. He TOLD my mom he cheated on her, was contuously gaslighting the both of us, always said he was such a "good guy and people pleaser," but was probably the most toxic person you'd meet. The sweet act was completely gone. I hated him with ever atom and molecule that made me a living thing, but my mom STILL didn't know about what he'd done to me. He got physically violent (throwing things, yelling, screaming, almost hitting my mom, etc) and my mom called the cops. (Mind you, my mom works from home, customer service for a health company).

By the time 5th grade had ended, we had a restraining order against him and he moved out completely. (They broke up but I still hadn't told my mom anything)

I cried almost every night and went into deep depression because of this. Not because I missed him, but because I had still trusted him even after everything. I did love him and view him as a father figure at one point bc I never had one. So having that ripped away from me, as well as my grandpa who moved, my grandma who was having mental issues, my aunts who lived far away and no one else to turn to, I felt empty. My guilt built up until I ended up having a mental breakdown in FRONT of my mom (I always went somewhere private so I could have a mental breakdown and always hid them from my mom). I snapped and accendentally told her about what he'd done to me during all those year. (He sa'd me constantly, whenever he had the chance to). A court case began, blah blah blah same old stuff that ever child abuse court case would go through.

But, I started to self-harm (mostly my legs and hips). I kinda went into my emo faze and had no friends, and was constantly bullied bc of my emotionless facade. (Ex: like giyu, who has been my comfort character since day one bc of that). Really, I'm a loving and kind person who loves making others laugh. I like hanging out with friends. I smile a lot too.

Nonetheless, things started to slowly get better. But my mom is toxic now. She doesn't gaslight like frank did, but she still has a toxicity to her. I know this all has been just as hard on her as it has for me, but I sometimes wish shed just take into consideration how I feel or think.

I have ADHD, OCD, and depression. All of my classes are accelerated classes instead of normal and I get things done faster than other students. (I have an online schooling system now). My brain sometimes can't comprehend some things but will understand easily with others. Ive had a hard time talking or expressing things because of this. I was never a quiet little girl, and I'm still not one as a teenager. But it sucks to have to act like someone I'm not just to fit in. I have constant mood swings and I hate it.

Anyway, this isn't about me. So, my mom has a way of victimizing herself without really pulling the victim card? It's hard to explain with words. But she always leaves whoever she's talking to feeling guilty. She doesn't apologize for anything, she doesn't listen to me when I'm ranting (which I'm not picky about, but sometimes I need someone to talk to that isn't a toxic friend of mine), nor does she ever listen to me when I tell her what I want sometimes. I know that sounds bratty, but I swear it's not. I'll give you and example: she asked me if I wanted a new bedframe and entirely ignored me when I told her. Or when she asks me what I want for dinner and I respond, shell get something else even though she literally came into my room and ASKED me. Its the simple small things that piss me off. She's stubborn and has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. And me, who's always been told that I'm just a doll with a pretty face and thick thighs that's supposed to be a silent housewife (I am NOT married, that's just something someone has actually said to me) or seggs toy for people to use and throw away as they please, I always try my best to consider how others might feel. Yeah, sometimes I do get a little unreasonable and say some bad things, but I always end up apologizing out of instinct. I apologize for the smallest things for no reason, yet my mom can't even say an "I'm sorry" for telling me I'm not understanding. All I've ever wanted was to make my mom and my family proud. I want them to be able to live their lives happily without worry. So It fucking hurts to hear that I'm not doing good in my moms eyes.

My mom always talks about changing and being a better person but never fucking does it. She always says her job is more important. Am I just genuinely not important to her anymore? Because I remember when I was in my darkest and lowest moments, it was my teachers who helped me. My mom didn't even bat an eye. But when she was at her lowest, struggling, I was always there for her, listening to her problems, helping her with everything, genuinely caring about her. And this is what I get back? I fucking hate my life because I can't even leave my room without hearing her complaints about "adult life." Well I don't give a fuck anymore. I tried too hard to be a good daughter and I never got anything back. I didn't even get a fucking thank you. And now I only have online friends on here and Pinterest. I relied on Character.ai to help with my mental health and that's ai!!

Im sorry if this was too much for any of you and I love each and every one of you. If you read through this whole thing, thank you so much and I really really love all my friends on here. I always look forward to getting on here and talking to you guys about my interests without being judged or bullied. Thank you thank you thank you soooo much my loves.

💖💖💖

[iggyartsblog]

A small vent about marble hornets and creepypasta becoming a recent trend

Tw for description of psychosis, gore description

Read if you wish, if not just enjoy the gifs

Marble hornets is on its 15th year anniversary this year and because of this it's resurfaced and there's a wave of new age fans that enjoy the web show and have delved deeper into creepypasta lore as well as the slenderverse. On a normal person level I have no issues with this. I don't believe In gatekeeping analogue horror from back in my time from today's generation, especially something as good as marble hornets.

My issue is this (Trauma dump incoming) : from the age of 7 I was suffering deep psychosis as a result of using creepypasta and marble hornets as a way of coping with trauma and the stress I was under with neglect and having to look after my sick parent and having no healthy friendship in school. Yes, I was one of those kids who wished with all their hearts that the slenderman would come and take them away and make their problems disappear. The problem was I wanted it too much so my brain just made it happen. I was suffering from really bad derealisation as well as auditory and visual hallucinations of the characters. They would talk and interact with me, just not in the way I wanted them too. I remember so vividly washing up after dinner one night and seeing laughing jack break through the door and stab me in the stomach. I remember watching as my stomach and intestine dropped out of my body as he picked them up and swallowed them by the handful while still managing to maniacally laugh in my face. I screamed until my dad came in and told me jokingly to shut up, clearly not seeing my distress.

These hallucinations impacted my social life too. It was clear to me that there was a handful of them that were not out to get me and wouldn't hurt me if I played along with them. The most normal thing I had to do was just not ignore them. I hallucinated ticci toby a lot, especially in public. I had learned that if I didn't talk back to him he would get agitated and I would have nightmares of the slenderman murdering me so I would always talk back. This made going out with friends difficult because I had to respond to him no matter what. This lead to a lot of bullying from my friends and not many people wanting to talk to me.

For years, until I was 12, I kept slipping through the narrative I was either schizophrenic or actually one of the followers of the slenderman (I used to call myself a proxy, now the word makes me feel physically ill). This belief is probably what made the hallucinations last as long as they did. I wasn't aware at the time how deep in psychosis I was as I refused to talk to my parents about it in detail as my mum used to threaten to take me to a mental hospital as a small child when I used my imagination and said I could see a butterfly, for example, that wasn't really there. My sister knew and so did her friend but I'm sure they both thought it was some game.

So, I'm speaking in the past tense. This is behind me, right? Well, it was for a good few years. I was able to do this via limiting myself all access to anything creepypasta related or marble hornets related which was very hard because it was like my safety blanket for so many years. I tried to not put myself in rooms alone without music or something playing in the background so I can concentrate on that and not give anything the chance to harm me. When I did hallucinate I would take videos to prove to myself nobody was there and in time I was able to ignore them completely and the eventually went away. This took about a year or so of discipline and I think it only worked because it was psychosis and not schizophrenia.

However, the reason I'm talking about this now is it's all come back to me. I'm hallucinating again, I'm being hurt again and I'm unable to sleep properly because of the nightmares that plague me due to it. The reason is very clear to me. Media consumption has caused me to relapse. My girlfriend is obsessed with marble hornets and won't stop showing me stuff about it, which is totally fine because she shows me things she likes out of love. However, when I open Tumblr after it's full of marble hornets and creepypasta. It's the same story for other social media. I'm totally okay with people enjoying the fandom and I'm okay with seeing it from time to time but I do feel so bombarded with it all that's it's triggered me into psychosis yet again. And the way people enjoy this media isn't making me feel any more comfortable online either. You cannot imagine what it's like seeing IRLs of monsters that's harmed you physically and mentally roleplaying and twinkifying the character like the character hasn't killed people or tortured people in their source. I can't stand people simping over Tim from marble hornets after I've repeatedly been assaulted and tormented by a figment of my imagination with the exact same face. Having Jeff the killers bloody and broken face sting like a fresh wound in salt over my eyes when I fall asleep seems like a complete contrast to the hot fuckboy version that people put in their pfps and dirty talk on character ai. I'm not saying you can't be thirsty for a man with no eyelids, my point is it's really strange from my point of view.

Now that you've listened to my rant I just want to make it absolutely clear that if you enjoy marble hornets or creepypasta or the slenderverse you have all the right to keep loving that media. I don't want to put people off or make it seem like I'm trying to gatekeep. I do just want to share a very brief overview of my experience with this media and how it's affected me in hopes it might prevent someone else from going through something similar. This is also a reminder for all horror fans to take a break once in a while to cleanse yourself of all violence and fear for a while and look at some positive media to rest your brain once in a while.

I doubt anyone would be interested in hearing more about my experience with psychosis but if you are ill gladly talk more about it. I'm going to do everything I can to overcome this unwanted sequel and I will over come out weather social media and the people around me let me or not. I've done this before and I'll do it again.

[husker-fictive]

times I should've noticed i was mentally ill and autistic earlier (mostly DID + schizophrenia (?) but the others too)

i would have vivid conversations with "characters" in my head

I would dress up as different people who didn't exist

i believed my stuffed animals were alive when i went to sleep (i was far to old to imagine stuff like that)

I could not (and still will not) sleep at night in the dark in my room because of a strange shadow that was supposed to be there that just struck fear into me (my dad talked about fallen angels lmfao. no dad im hallucinating)

I changed my name 24/7

i didn't realize people made fun of me (my best friend in elemantry school would say "a [deadname] is never full")

i saw a man standing over me while sleeping with my parents

i watched fakeclaiming did comps to make myself think I was faking

when i was a kid and we had to write stories about our lives there was only one i could remember and I always changed it because a) i couldn't remember all the details and 2) there wasn't any others that was more than two sentences

i had very violent outbursts all of a sudden and i vividly recall it not feeling "like me"

i have memories of things that never happened to me

i didn't (and still don't) trust mirrors

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Reckoner: Part Three

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k

Summary: Your world is turned upside down when you get in trouble for something you didn't even do. The entire team is in uproar over this but Hotch says he will take care of it. Can he? Or are you doomed to live out the rest of your days in misery?

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

The next day, Allison and her father showed up to Long Island to talk to Detective Gil and the team. Drew talked to his ex-wife as soon as he landed on Long Island so he's aware of what's actually going on. By the time he gets to the police department, he's not too happy.

"I spoke to Heather as soon as we landed. I knew for a long time something was off, but this—Why didn't you tell me?" Drew asks his daughter who has been silent the entire time.

"Mr. Sandweiss, Allison is the victim here," JJ says.

"I just want to know the truth from her, for once."

"I told you, I don't know what they're talking about."

Emily and JJ look at each other with the same look because they are thinking the same thing: She would open up more if you were here.

"Allison, we have the pictures your stepfather took of you."

Maybe it's Emily's gentle tone because she looks down at her lap in shame.

"He was always home before mom. We just talked at first."

"Why didn't you tell your mom?"

"I knew she'd tell Dad, and he always said he'd kill anyone who laid a hand on me," she sighs shakily.

"Did he?" Drew asks.

She nods and Drew has to remember where he is. It's not a good idea to punch the wall in anger in a police station.

"Allison, did you ever tell anyone about what your stepfather was doing?" JJ asks.

"I told my therapist. He said I act out because I crave attention. I'm so sorry, Daddy," she cries. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

He sits next to her and pulls her to his side.

"We need the name of your therapist."

"Jerry Sorum."

Derek immediately has him come in for questioning that he's super nervous about. It's normal to be nervous in the presence of authority, but Derek doesn't know if it's excessive or not.

"Am I a suspect?" Jerry asks when he's placed in the interrogation room.

"Not yet, Mr. Sorum. What is your professional opinion of Allison?" Derek asks.

"You mean was she sexually abused by her stepfather? No question."

"Did you report it?"

"Of course."

"To the police?"

"Absolutely."

"How far did they take it?"

"They had it reviewed by the state."

"Did the police interview her?"

"They came to my office," Jerry sighs. "Allison wanted nothing to do with it. Case closed. Just like the 380,000 cases of child abuse reported in this country each year. Less than one percent gets to trial."

"Does that make you want to even the odds?" Derek asks accusingly.

"Every time I listen to a child vividly recount the most horrific acts of abuse done at the hands of a father, an uncle, or someone they're supposed to trust... It's all I can do not to break down, but that's all I'm capable of. After that, like you, I trust in the justice system."

Some justice system. Not only does it not protect people like how they're supposed to, it doesn't look at the facts of a case. Police see one thing and assume something else. If both of those things have something in common, then they must be connected. Instead of looking at the facts and asking What If instead of having tunnel vision, then you wouldn't be here.

The door to the interrogation room opens and you look up from the spot on the desk you've been picking at.

"Your lawyer is on his way over here."

"I want my phone call."

The officer sighs and uncuffs you from the table so that you can use their wall phone dedicated to people and their one phone call. The one person you want to call is Spencer to tell him you're okay but you end up calling your father. He's more likely to get shit done if he knows his daughter is in trouble. 

He answers on the first ring.

"Hey, baby girl."

"Daddy? I'm in big trouble here. I've been arrested."

"What? What happened?"

"They're saying I'm responsible for the murder of seven people. Dad, I'm scared. I didn't kill anyone." You make sure to keep your voice low. "You gotta come here and help me."

"Don't you worry, baby. I'm actually in your area for business right now. Where are you?"

"Virginia Police Department. The one by the beach by the BAU. I don't have my phone so I can't send you the address."

"I know where it is. Don't worry, sweetheart. Daddy will take care of it."

You hang up the phone and are escorted back into the interrogation room. You're only in there for five minutes before the door opens again. This time, the arresting officer walks in with your dad. 

"Dad!" you gasp. You want to get up and hug him but you're handcuffed to the table. The officer only allows him to stay in here alone because the mirror in the room is two-way glass so they will be watching you very carefully. "When you said you were in the area, I didn't think you were right down the road."

"I came as fast as I could. I couldn't believe my ears. You're framed for murder?"

"I don't know the details. Greg is coming down to help me."

"Greg, our lawyer?"

"Yeah. You and Mom use him all the time for your adoptions."

"No, you can't use him."

"Why not?"

"He's not that kind of lawyer. I mean, he doesn't deal with murder cases and isn't a defense lawyer. He's more of a mediator. Plus, he's already on another case. I called him earlier."

"I don't know anyone else. What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry. I told you I would take care of it. I know someone else who is just as good."

You have no choice but to listen to what he has to say. An officer escorts him out of the room so you're all alone again, and you go back to picking at the end of the table.

You're in the mind of everyone on the team but they still have a job to do even if they don't like prioritizing this over helping you. Rossi talked to one of his contacts who just so happened to be a mobster back in the day. He's in the criminal enterprise that is being threatened to shut down since the FBI is closing in on him, which is why he's lying low. If a hitman is killing people, then Ray Finnegan might know something about it.

Ray took one look at Ben's crime scene photos and knew the guy who's been doing this. His name is Bosola and he's been operating for twenty years. Most people know him to be a ghost because he's that hard to find. He promised to bring in Bosola so that the FBI could apprehend him, but they have to hide out in secret before they can go in. If Bosola knows the FBI is waiting outside then he might not show.

Rossi and Hotch are in one car and Emily and Derek are in another down the block. There is also another car with two unknown agents near the car Hotch and Rossi are in. There are also plenty of officers in undercover cars spread out up and down the block. Penelope and Spencer are tuned into comms just in case the team needs their help.

"When he dims the lights, we go in," Rossi says to everyone over ear comms, and he turns to look at Hotch. "No bullshit. What's going to happen to Y/N?"

"I honestly don't know. I tried talking to the Captain, and from what I gathered, all the murder weapons are from her apartment, and her DNA was found on all seven victims."

"Did she know them?"

"No. She's never met them in her life. I believe her, but we all know what happens when the facts line up."

Spencer hears Rossi and Hotch talking and grows quiet. Penelope looks at him to see tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

"How's Reid taking it?"

"About as well as you'd think."

"I saw Prentiss and Morgan up the block, but the two agents in the sedan are not with us."

"I know. They're the counter surveillance in case Foyet is watching me. For which, apparently, there's no more money."

"Yeah, I heard."

"Did somebody call you?" Hotch asks.

"They're concerned."

"What did you say?"

"What I'm telling you. An attack against you is an attack against all of us. Just like with Y/N. When we're done here, we'll focus on her." Rossi's phone rings and he frowns when he sees Ray is calling. "Why are you calling? Are you okay?"

"I hope you got some good guys out there. This man is a mean son of a bitch."

"We're all over. He's not gonna know what hit him."

"Hey, that smart kid you mentioned earlier... I could use a little help," Ray says and looks at his crossword puzzle.

"Reid?"

"Yeah?"

His voice sounds so small that it breaks Derek's heart.

"Crossword question. Ten letters. Crater creator," Ray says.

"Crater creator?"

Penelope looks over at him to see not an ounce of concentration on his face. He's not even trying.

"Arctangent," she answers.

"Did you get that?" Rossi asks.

"Damn, she's smart."

Ray hangs up the phone and Rossi looks at the restaurant in thought. There is a flash so quick that Rossi didn't think it happened. He looks at Hotch who doesn't look like he saw it.

"Did you see that flash?"

Once again, the flash happened but it's more prominent.

"I saw that. He's already in there. All units, go, go, go!"

Everyone who is staking out the restaurant leaps out of their cars and rushes inside the restaurant but it's too late. Ray is slouched over in his chair with two bullet wounds on his body. One in the heart, one in the head. Bosola was here, lying in wait. Derek takes a car and canvasses the area in case Bosola stuck around to see the aftermath. CSIs come in, Long Island officers come in, and just about everyone else who is available to work the case.

"We had the streets, the building, and even the damn roof covered. How the hell did he get through us?" Rossi asks.

"Garcia traced Ray's phone calls. He made one at 4:38 p.m. to a pre-paid cell and another one to you at 11:41 p.m.," Emily says.

"We gave Bosola seven hours to prepare. I think he was here before we arrived."

"He heard Ray call me. This is all my fault," Rossi sighs.

"Now he knows we're onto him."

"He's not the only one. Whoever he works for does, too."

Now that the team knows who the unsub is and what kind of killer he is, it's time to give the profile. 

"Each mutilation represents the crimes the unsubs believe these three individuals committed. There are two unsubs who are both male. Unsub 'A' is 'The Planner'. He works in the criminal justice system. We're looking at both defense and prosecution attorneys, judges, and even cops. We believe that The Planner has experienced a devastating personal tragedy of some sort, and because of the sophisticated nature of the scenario, we believe unsub "A" is in his late fifties or sixties," Hotch starts it off.

"The Planner likely met unsub 'B' or 'the enforcer' within the court system. He's been hired to carry out justice. Now, this type of justice does not come cheap. So, The Planner has access to substantial cash."

"Absolutely no attempt was made to hide the mutilation. This suggests The Planner either doesn't care what we find or he wants us to find it. Now, The Enforcer, on the other hand, has no such intentions. He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous."

"Thank you," Rossi concludes.

"Alright, let's go people," Detective Gil says.

x

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[bejewelledgirl]

I want to know you more

Summary: You were all alone at a Christmas party getting bored to death, and silently praying for someone to come and save you from it. Well someone did - Vernon, who you're secretly but hopelessly pining over. Let’s see what the night holds for both of them...

Word count: 923

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol and making out

You could vividly remember spending Christmas with your family as a kid and how fun it was. It was easily your favourite time of the year. But as you started to grow, you found Christmas to be overrated. That was the case until now….

You were currently seated in Seungcheol’s house, in a corner which was as secluded as it could be, in a Christmas party thrown by your college seniors. The house was jam- packed with people and though the party was only meant for those who went to your college, there were quite a few faces you could not recognise. The party had everything you see at a regular frat party - loud music, wide variety of both punch and alcohol, couples making out in the kitchen, bathroom - you name it. With all of your friends back at their parents’ house for the break, you felt pathetically lonely.

You did not pay attention to your surroundings though, as you were completely spaced out, pondering upon the reason for your existence.

It had nearly been two hours since you arrived, and you initially made several attempts at talking to several people but after a while your social battery was drained and you were bored to death. You were still spaced out when you felt a hand on your shoulder, you turned around to gaze into the familiar chocolate brown eyes, which you had started to grow fond of. It was Vernon…

He looked extraordinarily attractive in his red t-shirt under his leather jacket paired with skinny jeans and his favourite blue nike shoes. While you were busy checking him out, unbeknownst to you, he too was tracing his eyes over your figure from top to bottom. Well to be fair, you wore a black dress that perfectly accentuated your figure and he rarely saw you in such an attire.

Realising the need to say something after having embarrassingly checked him out, you cleared your throat and greeted him with a shaky voice and also wished him a happy Christmas. Vernon wished you back and added “How are you here at this time ? I thought you went back to your parents’ house like every year.”

“Well I was planning to, but then I found out that mom and dad wanted to visit my brother this time since they hadn’t celebrated Christmas together in so long. And I would feel way too guilty if they couldn’t go because of me. So here I am…” , you explained. Vernon nodded in understanding.

It was a little quiet between you two after this. You two were definitely close but not best friends. You always felt an air of uncertainty and tension when you were around him.

Vernon then rubbed the back of his head and suggested, “Should we move to the yard ? It’s a little too crowded for my taste.” You agreed immediately wanting to escape from the party as soon as possible.

There was no one other than you two, in the yard. You guys took advantage of it and sat down at the chairs. A comfortable silence had developed between the two of you while you both were gazing at the stars above. It was safe to say that both of you were glad to have found each other at the party.

You guys chatted on some more, occasionally sharing movie recommendations and opinions about music, when you felt like it was time for you to leave. You had never been a night owl and it was already almost 12. You bid Vernon goodbye and you were getting up from your seat, when Vernon got up too and took a hold of your wrist.

“Can you stay with me for a little more ?”

“I want to but don’t you think it’s too late now ? I need to work tomorrow as well.”

“It’s just that I really enjoy your company.” Vernon spoke with slight desperation in his voice and a look in his eyes you couldn’t decipher yet.

Astonished at both his confession and the look he gave you, you couldn’t hold yourself back and said “Please don’t look at me like that. It gives me false hope.”

Vernon replied back with a cheeky smile, “Why do you think of it as false hope ? What if I actually like you? What if I want to know you more? What if I want to get closer to you ?” He was gasping for breath now as he had said all of that in one breath.

“Wait are you…” you couldn’t finish before Vernon spoke again, “Yes I want to take you out on a date. I want to do all those things that couples do but only with you. That is, if you let me…” He finished the last sentence with a slight hesitation.

After a moment, you answered with a grin, “All right, but on one condition - we must watch all the movies you recommended today …. together.”

Vernon couldn’t help but let out a giggle, “Of course, anything for you princess.”

Vernon walked you home that night despite you insisting that you’d be fine alone and that it was not far. You guys held hands on the way with blush looming on both of your cheeks. When time came for you to say goodbye to him, you weren’t sad or bitter like you usually were when you had to leave Vernon as you knew that the story of you two had just begun. And you couldn’t wait for what the next day held in store for you two.

Note: If you enjoyed reading this, give me a follow, I will be writing more fics. You can also make requests,

[anonymoushotsexyperson]

Thinking a lot about how the inevitability of death is not talked about.

I know you got attention span issues pookie bear so I split this post into sections and you can read whatever your most into if you can't do the whole thing ^_^

SECTION 1 my first encounters with the idea of dying.

I wish I could literally hug John Green for writing the fault in our stars. People can say it's sappy or whatever but it is one of the only mainstream forms of media that successfully acknowledges the inevitability of death and the lack of control we have over it. Though it took a lot more than TFIOS to wake me up to the conversation of dying.

The first time I realized death was a thing I can remember so vividly. I was at least 4 years old, I forgot how the whole conversation went but I remember my dad saying

"well honey everyone has to die one day."

"even you and mom?"

"even me and mom."

He said it so casually while folding laundry in the kitchen not knowing my world view had just completely shattered 😀. I went into our shared bedroom ( I didn't have my own yet because POOR) and cried on my parents bed. I don't know what happened after that. I think I just shoved death into my back pocket and kept it pushing because it was too hard to really grasp at that age. It still is now, but it especially was then.

Section 2 Being someone aware of your mortality and not being able to cope with it.

I think about death a lot now, it's been a reoccurring visitor in my brain since covid. It surprises me that the average Joe doesn't think about death all the time considering the current climate of our world. Im not gonna lie i've developed a bit of thanatophobia (death anxiety). This is because I have always dug myself out of my depressive episodes using knowledge and through that knowledge, understanding my relationship to the world helped me fall involve with living in it. The idea that one day this experience will end and regardless of what you believe whether it's in heaven or reincarnation or whatever we really don't know what's coming next or if there is a next. I don't think i'd necessarily be too keen with an afterlife as well as the idea that an afterlife doesn't exist. Both seem pretty ass, because if there's an after life cool but like what happens after that? You telling me i'm just here for ALL ETERNITY NIGGA? But also the concept of just dying and thats just... it? Kinda stupid and DUMB if you ask me. I think what im really looking for here is control.

Section 3 Does no one talk about death because of capitalism?

Apart of me believes that this thing where people around me tend to avoid the conversation of death or respond like an npc when I do get them to speak about it is due to western cultures obsession with capitalism and power. Because if you contemplate your existence and how both big and small it is, all this capitalism shit becomes kind of extremely fictitious and ridiculous. Like yeah maybe people just don't talk about it because its SCARY but also what if it's so scary because we done talk about it and because we are wasting our lives as wage slaves and in some areas of the world, literal slaves. Also this makes me think a lot about how religions are used as a weapon of conservatism instead of respected as a philosophical and metaphysical analysis of the human experience. There is honestly so many examples of religion-especially religions associated with colonialism-being used to control people. This can be seen and interpreted many ways and most if not all of the most obvious interpretations probably ring true. But what i'm really attempting to segue into here is that religion is uses as a weapon by the powerful in all sorts of ways but the idea that it is used to keep us from pondering death instead of exploring what it's like is something ive been thinking about a lot. You can argue some religious folks specifically follow religion to relieve death anxiety and its always been that way but I think that it now exists on a dissociative level.

Also, the ignorant American I am, I couldn't tell you the part about western civilization playing a big role is from an informed experience it's more so a studious guess. I don't really know what the vibes in other countries are like when it comes to dying I have not gained enough international knowledge and experience yet. So thats where you come in reader. YES you. What do you think?

QOTD: why do you think the conversation around death and the inevitability of it is so hush hush? Where do you believe we 'go' after and how does that make you feel? If you are apart of a non western civilization do you see a cultural difference in our experiences?