#i went to bed but as usual i can't sleep so by default all i can focus on is this damn tour

[pseudophan]

i'm no lifing gw2 so hard because it's the only non-dnp thing that will hold my attention right now and if i don't distract myself from the upcoming tour i will Die. i am So Stressed. i just accomplished my main goal before the new expansion on tuesday and now i'm like oh god am i gonna have to confront the dan and phil stress for the next two days i can't do it i really can't

[keeps-ache]

good morning and merry christmas !! aesthetic photo of my cookies be upon ye

[writtenjewels]

Couch

It was night five of Jason sleeping on the couch. Not that Salim was counting. They exchanged "Good night" as usual and Jason pulled his blanket over his body. Salim went into his room and grabbed a book. For the last five nights, it had taken him a while to feel tired enough for sleep.

He was startled when Jason re-entered his life. Salim thought at first that the American was a dream--he had certainly featured in Salim's dreams lately. But then Jason's lip curled up. "Howdy," he greeted. It was so American, so fitting with Jason's Southern accent. Salim invited him inside.

They argued over the sleeping arrangements. Salim offered a bed but Jason refused. In the end, Jason won by default: he fell asleep on the couch and Salim didn't have the heart to rouse him. It was a sleepless night for Salim. All he could think of was Jason, his shield, only a few feet away. It didn't feel real. Salim kept going into the living room and checking.

"Can't sleep?" Jason asked.

"Sorry." Salim hovered by the back of the couch. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'okay." Jason rolled so he could look up at Salim. It was the first time Salim had seen the man without a hat. His hair was longer than Salim expected, his fair cheeks spotted with freckles. "I'm a light sleeper," Jason told him. "You can relax."

"Oh, I, um..." Salim didn't know what to say. Jason was so quick to be a shield again. "I was just making sure..."

"I'm good," Jason assured him.

Salim hadn't been able to voice his worry: that Jason really was a dream, and would disappear. The morning came and Jason was still there, yet Salim still didn't relax. Now they were on night five and Salim had to fight the urge to check the couch. Instead, he dressed for bed and settled under the covers with a book.

About sixty pages into his book, he heard a knock. He looked up and saw Jason in the doorway; Salim hadn't closed his door.

"Jason," Salim acknowledged. "Is something wrong?"

"I was just..." Jason hesitated, his eyes wandering the room. "Thanks for lettin' me crash here."

"You're welcome." His heart was beating so fast. Salim placed both hands on his book to keep them from shaking. Jason anchored a hand on the door frame and leaned into Salim's room a little.

"That book any good?"

"I don't know." Salim gave him a teasing smile. "There's no movie on it, so maybe not." Jason let out a thoughtful noise. He lingered, his head now leaning on the frame. It was like he really could hear Salim's thoughts. Only one word, repeated desperately: stay, stay, stay.

"Well." Jason's voice broke the silence. "Good night."

"Good night," Salim returned. Jason disappeared, and Salim almost followed.

In the morning, Salim would find Jason still here. And he would wrestle through another day of wondering if he should encourage Jason off that couch--if he could ever feel brave enough to ask Jason to join him in bed.

[eldritchsurveys]

1270.

1 - Have you ever had stitches? >> I have, several times. My face has the most, it took them like an hour and a half (if not longer; it was a long time ago so I don't recall so good) to stitch up my face.

2 - Who was the last person to shake your hand? >> I assume it was someone at church the last time I went, during that "sharing the peace" segment where you get up and say hi to people near you, whatever the hell that's about, lol. One of those more churchy things I just shrug resignedly and deal with.

3 - What was the last thing you bought when you went to the grocery store? >> A bunch of stuff, and it was long enough ago that I really don't remember what-all was in the haul.

4 - How often do you find yourself needing to do laundry? >> I do laundry once a week. It suits my needs fine.

5 - Coke or Pepsi? >> I don't care for either.

6 - When was the last time you struggled to get to sleep? >> I think it would be erroneous to say I ever "struggle" to get to sleep, mostly because if I find that I'm not falling asleep in a timely fashion, I just grab my phone and fuck around on that until I am sleepy. This is a tried-and-true strategy that never fails me, because beating myself up about not falling asleep or anxiously obsessing about falling asleep certainly doesn't do shit but keep me awake even longer and is even less restful than just reading an ebook or watching some tiktoks, soooo...

7 - What did you have for your last meal, whatever that was? >> I had a bowl of cereal. 8 - Do you have anything fun planned for the upcoming weekend? >> It is Sunday today, and the first day of our Frankenmuth excursion, which will last until Thursday. I don't plan on doing anything next weekend, thanks to this (I would like to go to church but I will also understand if I don't feel up to it).

9 - Which of the four seasons is your favourite? >> Summer in this region, simply because spring (my default favourite) is so short and very variable weather-wise. By the time the weather actually warms up for good, it's pretty much the end of May :V

10 - Do you still have all four of your wisdom teeth? >> I do not.

11 - If you drive, do you enjoy it or is it just a necessity? .

12 - Do you prefer sweet or salted popcorn? >> I prefer kettle corn style popcorn (so, sweet and salty).

13 - When was the last time you were in pain? What caused it? >> My ankle is bothering me, which is a bit annoying considering I'm going to be doing a fair amount of walking around for the next few days. Usually if I have some sort of stress injury like that I just take it easy until it stops hurting, but obviously that's not always an option. I just have to look forward to being in even more pain and probably for longer, after this. -__-

14 - Are there any textures that you have a weird aversion to? >> I do have a fair amount of texture aversions, but they're normalised for me because I'm used to them. I can't imagine not having texture aversions at all, in fact. I hate the feel of microfiber, for example, and the idea that there are (probably) people who are completely indifferent to it is utterly shocking to me, lol.

15 - What was the last thing you said outloud and to who? .

16 - When was the last time you got up from where you're sitting and why? >> About a half hour ago, to wash out my cereal bowl and put my bed linens in the dryer.

17 - Have you been diagnosed with any chronic health conditions? >> I have not.

18 - Are you an early bird or a night owl? >> I prefer to be up in the early mornings, which sucks in winter. I hate getting up in the dark, it's so disorienting. 19 - What are some of your favourite Christmas movies? >> It's a Wonderful Life and Klaus are my favourites. I must also mention Violent Night. I enjoy the concept of Christmas movies but the execution of most of them leaves me pretty cold; they're often really sentimental in a way that's just off-putting to me. I think IaWL gets a pass because I will eternally be in love with James Stewart and I truly believe in his earnest, impassioned acting style.

20 - Have you ever met up with someone in real life that you first met on the internet? Was it just as good as you hoped? >> I have done this many times and I have had no negative experiences from that alone (I have obviously had the one negative experience from the relationship that ensued, but that's not related to the fact that I met him online except in the sense that it's easier in online interaction to see and love and commit to one's best face before you've seen one's... less-best face).

21 - Who was the last person to text you? What about call you? . 22 - What are some of your favourite smells? >> Lavender, oud, frankincense, the scent from wildflowers or flowering trees caught on a spring breeze, river water, citrusy weed strains, rich soil, clove.

23 - Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? >> Thirsty, seeing as I just took a sip of my tea and I have no desire for more food right now.

24 - When's the next time you plan on going to the cinema and what will you be going to see? >> I don't know. I'd really like to go see Nosferatu, but I don't know if I'll have time/energy to go see it before it leaves theaters (it always seems like movies leave theaters before I get a chance to catch them).

25 - Would you rather watch a film at home or in the theatre? >> I love movies, both works for me. At home is just so much easier, and also free. The cinema experience is a treasured one, though, and I do try to indulge when I can (god, I miss AMC A-List so much...).

26 - If you have pets, what colour are they? >> Sparrow's cat Spooky is black.

27 - Did your parents have any influence over the music you like? >> Sure -- what I heard in the house growing up was my first introduction to music, so it's definitely going to play a small part in the evolution of my music tastes. I do still deeply love soul, R&B, and gospel music even if I don't listen to it nearly as much as the other stuff I love.

28 - When was the last time you rode a horse? >> I have never.

29 - Has your style changed much in the last few years? >> I don't think it has. My style will always be some flavour of goth/metalhead, as it has been since high school and has only evolved from there since then. Even my laziest cartoon-character ass outfit -- band t-shirt and black jeans/leggiings (with or without hoodie) is literally just your average metalhead stereotype. I really do prefer to jazz it up whenever I can (accessorising sparks so much joy for me), though. One thing about my style is that there is always some really unique shit in there, even at my most destitute I have found a way to be singular in my appearance. I like to laugh about having no place to live but a storage unit full of Hot Topic clothes, but you know what... it brought me joy, and that was far more survivable than being homeless and joyless.

30 - Do you prefer real books or audiobooks? What was the last one you read or listened to? >> Honestly, the only thing I listen to is music (and the occasional lecture-style YouTube video, but not often). I even read podcast transcripts rather than listen to the podcast itself, lol. The last book I finished was Anne Rice's Lasher.

[purplesurveys]

1929

What were you doing before you logged on here? I played my rhythm game and also spent a bit of time with Max.

What was the last airline you flew on, and where were you going? I can't remember the airline, but it was our flight from Da Nang back to Manila. Felt like a fever dream, honestly. We took off close to midnight, then upon landing it took the longest 45 minutes before we got the go signal that we could start getting out. Then it took another while to get the immigration stuff sorted out and THEN another while for our bags to come out of the belt thing.

By the time we got home it was around 4:30-5 AM. Cannot even remember how I went from the car to my bed. Also could not be assed to unpack; I just did it the next morning.

Which of your breakups was the hardest for you to get over? I've broken up with the same person twice, but it was the second one that was infinitely harder to deal with because that one had a sense of finality to it.

What did you have for dinner last night? Leftover lechon.

Do you write poetry? If so, what kind of poetry do you write? I'm terrible at creative writing but in the last year I dabbled in like three poems just to tickle my writing braincells a bit. Regardless, I still think they're terrible work and I'm very shy about it to the point that I have each of them written out in completely random pages in my notebook so that they aren't easily seen, even by me.

As for the kind of poetry, my default is to use the stream of consciousness format. I like writing in a wistful tone, usually about heartbreak so I can process the thoughts that remain with me all these years later.

Have your parents traveled to any countries that you have not been to? My dad has traveled to TONS of countries because of his line of work. He's been to both the Americas and Europe – I haven't been outside of Asia.

Did you have acne when you were a teenager? Not much. My acne is apparently the fashionably late type, because it's only started giving me headaches now, in my mid-20s.

What's your favorite type of gemstone? Diamond, I guess, just because it's mine? Hahaha.

Do you prefer sleeping in total darkness, or do you like to have a little bit of light? Darkness. I'd find it very distracting otherwise.

Who was your favorite children's book author when you were a kid? Geronimo Stilton – I don't know their real name.

Would you rather take a class in fencing or archery? Archery.

Has a significant other ever given you the silent treatment during a fight? Yes. She was very hardcore about it, too. Makes me wonder why out of all those million and one times it happened, I never decided to just up and leave. I very well could've done so, when I think about it now. But alas, I was the type of person who felt the need to fight for the relationship.

What is something you took for granted when you were younger? Food. I was a very picky eater.

Have you ever seen the movie Blue is the Warmest Colour? Parts of it. The 3-hour runtime turned me off, lol.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Two.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My sister's jeans.

What are your favorite condiments to put on a burger? Mayonnaise.

What color are your best friend's eyes? Brown.

Have you ever had a stalker? Either I've never had one or they've been doing a fantastic job this whole time.

Would you rather work in an office setting or work from home? Home is fine right now, but it'd also be nice to experience being in an office setting. I've never had it.

[etrobeauty]

“Lightning, do you have a minute?” Ludger called out to the ex-Agent as she passed by his apartment complex. At this late hour, Elle and most of the usual loiters outside his complex already went to bed; the circumstances were perfect! “Um, would you mind sitting on the swings with me? I-I know it’s childish, but it’s something my brother and I used to do whenever we had something important to tell each other. It’s one of those habits that doesn’t vanish with age!”

Whether Lightning obliged him or stood next to the swing set, Ludger himself took his default left seat and stared out into the skyline. The stars themselves were mostly washed out, but the skyscrapers in the distance lit up the sky as bright as any star. Looking down upon the familiar sight always granted him a special sort of courage to share his cheesiest innermost feelings. 

Lightning better brace herself, because the sappy train was leaving the station!

“Lightning, I wanted to thank you for helping me out with my work as a DODA Agent,” Ludger started, keeping his focus on the skyline to keep his nerves intact. “I know you have your own reasons for working with me, but I can’t imagine indirectly working for a company you quit not too long ago. Especially when my work demands we destroy other worlds.”

Ludger became desensitized early on for the sake of lightening his brother’s burden and paying off his debt. But the burden was nonetheless heavy for all who got involved with him. And Lightning willingly bore it with him. 

“I don’t know how things will end– maybe I’ll regret everything I’ve done, or maybe the ends will justify the means. But regardless, I won’t regret having your support throughout my journey. So-!” 

All of a sudden, Ludger hopped out of his seat and put his hands over Lightning’s, “For everything you’ve done? Thank you very much!”

Night silence was interrupted by her companion's call. Her night strolls that usually meant her moment to reflect as in sleep felt impossible at times. “ Ludger. ” She uttered. Her head tilted in wonder at his invitation. Although judgments refrained. To honor a relatable moment, which was a mutual understanding considering she has sibling relations as well when he references his brother. The town laid to rest for night conquers. It was the norm for her to be out despite the late hour.

Occupying the swing seat next to him. These grounds were empty at night, but lively in the day by the residents. Gaze traveled to the skies with the hint of the stars, which accentuates the reason that the night strolls were that hobby she relished. Her head tilted directing her stare to Ludger once words formed. Interpreting the statements as he must be reflecting the ethical rights of his role. Could this be he has second thoughts? Requiring an incentive?

“ My relation with Spirius will not interfere with our affiliation. Your ambition has unraveled what I had suspected, but...” She mused but kept briefly. It did feel that she has still an association with the company despite her status now a former agent. The stares & whispers that she paid no mind to whilst their presence within the headquarters. It mattered not, she was there for Ludger. The journey. The truth. Concentration relieves the ill-thought of the company, to keen her mind to him as he shares his beliefs. He was truly in a much vast burdened situation as she was. A duty that required destroying other worlds. She admired the aspiration and acceptance of growth but yet commiserated secretly. It's Spirius' intentions that raised the questions. Tension eased upon his declaration that he was grateful for her company. “ There will be challenges that arise before us. It's not a question of can or can't. Just some things you have to do. ” She somehow tensed again. “...Ludger? ”

The contact of their hands emphasizes his gratitude. The contact stunned her, although she did try to keep her facial expression presenting otherwise. A rather unexpected stance of action but resistance was not necessary. Merely companions appreciating each other's company.

Her eyes closed merely to nod her head at him gesturing assurance, relaxing her shoulders. She is truly grateful for the alliance they formed. Returning her gaze to her companion. “ I've got your back. ”

[shespeaksinsongs]

You Are My New Fear | Letters To My Mom

TW: MOMMY ISSUES, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND ANXIETY.

Me in my game room at about five years old.

I wish somebody would have told me that that smile I used to slather onto my face so effortlessly would soon become something I forced. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but it's best to be prepared in any case.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My elementary best friend asked, kicking her feet giddily under the table. We were still too little to reach the floor.

"Drowning." I'd say, with a panicked look on my face, growing pale at the mere thought of dying that way.

-

"What are you most afraid of, hija?" My dad asked on our regular morning car rides to school.

"Drowning." I'd say, without even thinking twice. The answer was almost prepared, seeing as how casually it rolled off my tongue.

-

"What's your biggest fear?" My friend asked in the comfort of her room, watching as I shifted uncomfortably in my spot on her bed.

"Becoming my mother." I'd say wishing that drowning was the most of my worries.

-

I don't know when my default answer of drowning to death switched to the terrifying idea that I would, one day, become my mother. Still, somewhere along the lines, those little moments that I would suck up to my mom and gift her pretty pictures I spent hours working on and picking daisies from my backyard for her turned into scheduling my crying for nighttime when everyone was asleep.

Slowly but surely, I became uneasy about the idea of marriage, fearing that I'd only ruin it and become a wife like my mother. The idea of having children scared me to the point where I felt I would rather sacrifice my own happiness so that my children wouldn't have to live to see the day I turn into my mom.

Because in my eyes, my mom is a monster. She's not the kind of monster that has big, sharp teeth and scary yellow eyes, and a menacing growl. She's the kind of monster that you would never suspect. She's the bloody hand, but you were the accomplice. She was the screwdriver, but you were the loose screw. Sure, she hurt you, but you let yourself be hurt by her - so really, whose fault was it?

My mom is the kind of monster that uses your vulnerability against you in the worst way possible.

-

"I'm just not feeling good right now. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel tired all the time." My sixth-grade self, awkwardly positioned in the passenger's seat, turning my head away from my mom.

"Well, you know we care about you." My mom said, stoic in her demeanor and ultimately still in how she held her body up.

It was a day I'll never forget. She picked at her fingernails and anxiously tapped the gas pedal, waiting for me to be done talking about my emotions so she could drive back "home."

Warm tears stung my eyes, forcing their way down my face in slow streams. "You don't get it, I-" I stopped, knowing it wasn't worth it to try to make my mom understand feelings she'd been adamant didn't exist.

"Ay, don't be so dramatic." My mom said, waving her hand up to dismiss me and my silly ideas. She was right. I wasn't depressed or anxious, and I definitely didn't look for any excuse possible to threaten suicide against myself. My mom said so.

-

I don't know why I kept running back to her in times of need. Maybe it was my dream version of her that I relied on to justify my ever-growing love for her. Feasibly, it was the person I wanted her to be. And perhaps, just perhaps, my expectations of her drove me to the point where I'd convinced myself my mother was the person I saw when I closed my eyes at night.

I remember telling her things, spreading rumors I'd heard about people in the family, hoping that it would make us closer. The things I did just to make her happy...

-

"Mom, I'm trying my best!" I cried on the floor, cleaning up the mess my new puppy had made. She'd pooped and peed all over the kitchen. I was exhausted, previously knocked out in my bed, when my mom called me downstairs, screaming for me to get my ass down there.

"No, you're not! You never try! You're useless! I should've never had you!" My mom yelled from the bottom of her heart (or lack thereof).

Tears welled in my eyes for the millionth time because of my mother. This wasn't the first time she'd wished me dead, and it sure wouldn't be the last time. "Mommy, please just leave me alone and let me clean up." I begged, letting broken sobs come out of my mouth. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me.

My mom refused to leave, yelling at me, watching as I piteously scraped my dog's contents off the wall.

-

It's sad that the only good memories I have of my mom are those I couldn't participate in. Instead, I have stories of her youth and how caring of a mother she used to be when I was a baby - conveniently so far back that I can't remember it. It pains me more knowing how she was before she had me, her firstborn. If she were this way her whole life, would I take it so personally?

Am I dramatic for wishing I had a mother who could hug me back when I hugged her? Am I a selfish and pathetic bitch for feeling envy when I see how my friends' moms act with them? Why can't my mom love me the way she loves her? Why does my mom have more pictures of her first niece than she does of me? What did I do to her?

-

"Mommy, mommy! Look!" I said, running up to my mother, holding my report card in the air like a shiny new toy - all A's.

"Nice job, Fio. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great. Keep it up." My mom said softly, pulling me into a warm hug. Somehow, that was all I needed - that's all I wanted. It really is a shame that that memory is fake.

-

I have plenty of other fake memories that I store in my head, letting the (also fake) backstories take over my mind when I go to sleep. For one of them, I was romping around on an old swing set, one that made little squeaky noises whenever I swung too high.

Somehow, I lose control of the swing, and my mom comes rushing up to me, worried and begging for me to tell her how she could help. I don't know when or how she got there (my dad was usually the one to take me to the park), but what I do know is she's exactly who I needed there at that moment.

So many real memories I have of me needing my mother most, waiting for the day she would actually turn up in one of them. She was always the first to pick me up in school lines. She was always at my open houses. She attended every grade promotion I had. But she was never there. It was all a facade. She'd said so herself that she craved being the all-star mom, the one who'd win several gold medals if there were award ceremonies for that sort of thing.

Her perfectionism is what makes her corrupt. She has spent my entire life telling me what to do, how to do it, scolding me for not doing it the way she imagined me doing it in her head.

She refused to seek help when that's all I wanted her to do.

-

"What do you want for your birthday, hija?" My dad asked, glancing at me while keeping his eyes fixed on the road, humming along to a Christmas carol playing on the radio.

"Honestly, dad?" I asked, only twelve years old, my green eyes twinkling in hope.

"Whatever your heart desires." My dad said in a goofy voice, making me smile.

"I want Mom to get help." I said sadly, hoping my dad would agree and push the idea upon my mom.

-

My mother went to therapy for four months. My dad had to pay her every session for her to go. In my mom's life, money has never been an obstacle. Her father was a middle-high class socialite in Venezuela who worked in engineering and oil companies. Her mother, who passed away of Leukemia when she was twelve, spoiled her rotten until her very last breath.

Eventually, I became mentally sick to the core. Writing and singing, my two favorite things in the world, became hobbies, and life had lost its zesty twang. Little things like music and the people I passed on the street that waved "hello" at me became nuisances. My mom "gave up" her therapy so I could get help.

I still wonder if she did it for herself or for me.

-

A few times a year, I get asked what my biggest fear is. Sometimes it comes up in conversation. Other times I create the question, not thinking about the consequences if people answer with "Spiders, yours?"

Each time I get asked, I take a deep breath and lie. "The dark." I say now, the idea of death by sea sounding more of tranquility than a travesty.

I look back at the old pictures I have of myself, a smiley and shy little girl who was afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. To her, I ask, "When you have nothing to lose, why be afraid?"

Me, with my baby doll at age three. I loved taking care of her. I used to take her everywhere with me.

[thestarssystem]

hello! same anon who asked the last question about being able to send an ask! i've been having questions about whether or not i could be an osdd system (1b to be specific) but i can't find answers to sone questions so i was hoping you could help me out? it's really long, sorry:(

1. the thing i have the most issues with is alters fronting. i don't exactly know how it feels to have another alter fronting and taking control of the body. there's only been a few times where i've genuinely felt like i wasn't in control of my body & felt trapped in it but other than that, whenever all my other alters(?) fronted i would still generally be able to control the body. i don't know how to explain it. for example, an alter who i think is a protector was fronting last night but besides the name and some traits, everything was pretty much still the same, like as if i was the protector? and i'm not the most knowledgeable on how osdd works, but should i be feeling atleast somewhat out of my control ?? it's happened pretty much every time an alter(?) has fronted(?) and i ended up in a really bad mood after trying to validate the possibility i might have osdd because i didn't know if this was real or if i was just being delusional. and this is kinda a silly question but when another alter fronts, thinking is still the same, right? like they can still talk in their head like a singlet would and such

2. 'voices' in your head - a lot of systems i've come across generally have the voices. i don't, atleast i don't think i do. again, i don't know how it would be if i experienced it. is it like how someone would talk to you irl? or is it more vague? or is it like, more of a feeling that you can't really 'hear' but yk it's saying that?

3. i can't exactly communicate with my alters, if i have any. i don't know how to and even then it feels really odd trying to talk to myself and again, i start to feel dumb/delusional again because osdd may not even be the case.

4. similar to the last thing, is it normal to 'talk' to your system? like last night for example, it's a blurry memory now but i remember 'we're going to bed now' 'we're gonna do this and then sleep' and such, despite the fact i know we can't really communicate. i think another alter was fronting then

4. i have trouble recognizing my alters as seperate identities and people, and rather tend to think they're pieces of me. so like, if another alter were to do something, and later i fronted, and if i would talk about what the other alter did i would still use "i did" rather than "(other alter) did". i'd just like some advice on this part

5. i have no idea whether or not systems i've met have 'different talents' but i've seen it going around a lot. to be more specific, my 'talents' or other stuff has never really changed. i usually still have social anxiety, my triggers are usually still the same, i've never suddenly gotten good at anything, and so on. is it a normal/common thing for systems for that not to happen?

6. memory. i have really bad memory, which actually led me to did/osdd (+ 8/9 year old me going "why do i feel like two people" and googling it years ago), and i always have trouble recalling what happened. after i do anything and i try to think back to it - it's just foggy. i can sometimes remember a bit of what happened, but generally i'll have to think for a bit and the visual memory of it will just be really really blurry. this happens pretty much every day but i have no idea if it does the same with important events because nothing important has really happened. and another thing - when you switch, do you still remember friends/online friends/family? i've had times where they've seemed odd(?) and somewhat unrecognizable but i've always known it's them, same with trauma and other stuff. i've always kinda known about it.

7. i've tested some things multiple times. for example, a few days or weeks ago, i was doing and typing stuff on discord in a server just for me, for fun. when i went away and checked back later, i know that it was me who did it, just not,, me, yk? like it happened with my own fingers and hands, i didn't have exact visual memories that i did it, but i had memory of doing it, so like, i knew, despite the fact another alter could've been the one doing it. same thing happened last night - now that i look back at the account i, or my alter, created, i can tell it wasn't exactly 'me', but i still had memory doing it. and it's never been like "what is this? i have zero memory of doing this" or something like that

8. i don't really have roles for my alters. well, some do. for example i think a protector (and maybe caretaker as well) was fronting last night. i just have trouble with the roles? if that makes sense. unless it comes naturally, like the protector for example, it's just kinda really hard for me to make stuff out. i also have dpdr & i dissociate and i believe that influences on how i view my identity and how i can't really make out stuff, even stuff like emotions, my opinion on something, who's fronting, etc.

9. as far as i know, systems have an 'inner world', right? i know some systems that don't, but i'm not sure if i have it and i dont know how to find out if i do

to add on, i'm kinda worried i might just be thinking i have osdd because i've been exposed(?) to it and that i might just be delusional and that i'm just making people up

lastly, would it be a good idea to try to reach out to alters? and if i should, how would i do so? thank you :D !! again, i'm really really sorry this was so long! don't stress yourself out on this please:]

- fox

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained mental health professionals! All of the information we give is coming from our own experience as a system, or from research we have done! We always recommend that, if at all possible, you speak to a therapist about OSDD/DID!

hello! thanks for you questions! i’ll do my best to answer everything haha. I’m going to section everything off in the same way you did, but there may be some overlap between questions!

1.)I’m gonna start my answer to this by saying that switching feels and looks different for every system. There is no one way to switch. What happens for us when we fully switch is the obvious dissociative feeling, and then it feels like we’re “falling” almost and then after that falling feeling, we’ve switched. With your experience you’re describing, though, it seems more like co-conscious or co-fronting. Co-conscious is typically a feeling like you’re still in full control of the body, but another alter is in the ‘passenger seat of the car’ and is giving their thoughts on what’s happening on the outside. Co-fronting is more of a feeling where you feeling like you’re half in control of your body, and another alter has half control of your body. This can be a moment (that i’ve vaguely described on my tumblr actually) of feeling like “this isn’t my hand. I’m not controlling that arm.” However, that feeling can also happen with depersonalization. To help you tell the difference, i think it could be helpful to journal when/if you get those feelings and if you “feel” different, like you could actually be another alter. —/ part b.) for my system at least, thinking is still the same, regardless of who’s fronting. I’m not sure if that’s the same for other systems, but i’ve never heard or seen anyone talking about thinking being any different, but i have heard systems discussing something i’ll address in #2

2.) so, in my experience, my system does not audibly hear each other’s voices. Some systems do, and some systems have a different form of communication. Since i can’t talk about audible voices, i’ll only talk about ‘intrusive thought’ communication, which is what we experience. For my system, we get an intrusive thought of sorts. It’s just a thought, but we can tell who it’s coming from (honestly not really sure how, it’s just a feeling. I can always tell who is telling me something) That thought is different from normal thinking though, because it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from us and it has a different... vibe?? idk i honestly can’t really think of how to explain it lmaoo. To continue my answer from part 1, alters can use something called “passive influence” which is where they ‘control’ your thoughts to get what they want. An easy example is if someone asks what you (the fronting alter) want to drink and you want to answer water, but another alter wants sprite, they can use passive influence to say that YOU want sprite, when really you don’t. That’s the only way I can really think of the act of thinking being different though haha.

3.) my system doesn’t really have the best internal communication, but that’s the case for a lot of systems, especially new ones. It takes time and determination. One of the ways i’ve seen suggested to help with internal communication is before you go to sleep, when you’re in the calm and peaceful state, just ask into your head if anyone is there and wants to talk to you. Let them knower they’re safe and that you want to talk. Keep the convo friendly and ask them about themselves (i.e their name, age, role {if they have one}, favorite color, etc)

4.) to be completely honest, it’ll just take practice to change your habit of using “i did.” I don’t know how old you are, but you went your entire life up until this point believing you were a singlet. Using “i did” is still natural for you to use as a default. Try to catch yourself as (or after) you say “i did” and try to correct yourself and overtime that habit will hopefully be broken. The same goes for not really recognizing your alters. You went your whole life thinking everything was just ‘you’ (the host) so now, when discussing OSDD, it might be hard to really pinpoint who is who. That’ll just take time though. But don’t force your alters to fit a specific mold you made for them. Everything with figure itself out eventually

5.) what you described (with different talents and different mental health issues) doesn’t happen to my system and i believe it doesn’t happen to a good portion of systems, especially OSDD systems. The only thing that really changes for my system from alter to alter is preferences, such as food, instruments (my system knows how to play 8 instruments and each alter prefers one over the other lmao), and hobbies (like reading, painting, and writing) HOWEVER, we all still can paint and play all 8 of our instruments with the same skill. Our skill level doesn’t change between alter, just our desire to do that activity (if that makes any sense lmao)

6.) problems with memory and forgetting things is not a sign of OSDD-1b. Dissociative amnesia is only a sign of OSDD-1a and DID. I think it might be helpful to keep track of your switches and see if your memory “fog” overlaps with it. If yes, then you should probably consider check out OSDD-1a or DID. If it doesn’t, my honest suggestion is to consider talking to a doctor/therapist about memory problems and short term memory loss. (also to answer your question asking if we remember online friends: yes, we always remember other people, regardless of who’s fronting)

7.) this relates back to the memory question. OSDD-1b is not characterized by forgetfulness or memory problems. With OSDD-1b, you will never have that moment of “I don’t remember doing this” unless there is a VERY specific reason (i.e. a traumatic event that needs to be hidden) It is normal, on the other hand, to know that another alter did something, rather than you, and still have memory of it.

8.) i think roles are difficult for a lot of systems. I know my system had (and still has) a little bit of trouble with roles. My biggest advice is actually something i’m following rn and that’s to not force roles. Let alters naturally choose their roles. It may take a really long time though, but that’s okay. It might help to do some research as well. Google all the different alter types and see if you can pinpoint some that fit your system (like i said though, don’t forget those roles! let them have the ultimate decision)

9.) My system doesn’t have an inner world. We have something called Aphantasia which makes it impossible to see images in our head. There are systems who don’t have an inner world, however i don’t know if there is a specific reason or not. Ive heard that meditating can help you access the inner world, as well as, once again, trying to access it before you fall asleep. However, because I can’t have an inner world, i haven’t done much research on the topic and I suggest that you try and find a method that works for you :)

closing points: When considering any type of mental health problem/ mental disorder, make sure you’re not bending the diagnostic criteria to fit you. With OSDD, there are slight differences between every system, but nothing major that would require serious bending of the criteria. At the very end, you asked if you should try and reach out to your alters. You DEFINITELY should. They’re scared and confused, just like you. I think my answer for 3.) gives a good, easy starting point for alter communication c:

I hope these answers helped, at least a little. Good luck and stay safe xx

-the stars system (written by multiple alters all at different times)

~sorry if there’s any typos~

[rome5683]

My Secret Mate - Chapter Three

My body was warm all over. I squeezed them tighter to me, savoring the feeling it gave me to feel them against me. It was peaceful, and exciting at the same time. I groggily opened my eyes as I smelled something too delectable that caused a stir in my loins. My breath hitched, seeing his neck right against my lips. His scent was so amazing to me. I could feel my inner wolf stir, Mate. Mark him. He's ready, he's here. Just for us.

Mate or not, he's not our property. He should choose when to be marked, and when to take the next step in being mated. Calm down, Sirius. I took a deep breath, trying to soothe myself back into sleep. But I was suddenly aware of everything about Seth's body pressed into mine, so I got up. I regretted it the minute I got up, because the cold replacing him was blunt.

I ran a hand through my hair, and suddenly winced at the small headache that I felt in the back of my head. It wasn't that bad. As a werewolf, I had supernatural healing and it would go away very soon, which was also why I wasn't that drunk last night. But when Seth woke up, it would probably hurt him a lot more. I could feel Sirius frown at the idea of him in pain.

Protect him, help him. Help mate. I agreed, and walked downstairs. I was surprised to see the house wasn't that much of a mess. I walked into the living room to see Monsè picking up some cups here and there, and I could hear Lance cleaning in the kitchen.

"Hey, what happened after I went to bed?"

She gave me a hesitant face, almost as if contemplating what to say. "Well, Trent got super drunk and came onto Lindsay, which got him a painful shove. Then Bella got super sad and tried to get me to help her look for you, but then I saw you with... that guy."

My eyes widened, "Oh. Yeah, um, he's... wait, what exactly did you see?"

Her face reddened, looking away. "Well, I saw you guys kissing, and I immediately closed the door."

I blushed, feeling embarrassed about her seeing me that way. "Um, well. Did Bella see-"

"Are you gay?" Her question knocked me off balance, and I considered it for a second. Was I? I certainly wasn't attracted to anyone else anymore, but I still could appreciate women's bodies, as well as appreciate men's.

I shrugged, looking forwards the floor, "I think I'm bisexual. I don't know, everyone always assumes straight is the default. I guess, I assumed that too. But when I think about it... men can be attractive to me too."

I looked up to her nodding and going back to cleaning, and raised an eyebrow. "You don't care?"

She rolled her eyes, "Why should I? I only asked because I was curious why you'd make out with some random guy instead of Bella. And even though we're supposed to be super social as werewolves or whatever, you're not always one to go out of your comfort zone-"

"He's my mate."

She looked at me like a deer caught in headlights, showing how the new information was shocking. But then her face went back to its neutral expression, "Oh. That makes sense." Then her eyes widened, "Wait. Your mate's human?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

She winced, "Oof. I wouldn't wanna be you."

I frowned, a growl building up in my throat. "My mate is perfect for me, human or not."

She shook her head, "That's not what I meant. You're gonna have to mark him, and then that'll turn him, and make him go into heat if he hasn’t already. That's a lot of pain to go through for the both of you, especially the turning part."

This piece of information hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the first time I heard about it from the other wolves' gossip, about how one of the human mates had been going through the change and was in so much pain. I guess I was too confident about having a werewolf mate, that I forgot about what it meant to have a human mate.

I tried not to think about it as I went to the kitchen to get two cups of water. Lance raised an eyebrow at me as I entered, "So, your mate's a human guy?"

I hesitated, wondering where this was going. "Yeah, last time I checked."

"That's cool. So, he likes you back and everything. I mean, you guys kissed so that must mean he likes you."

I nodded, feeling a little sheepish. "Well, I hope so. We did talk a lot too so..."

He huffed, "Okay. Well, I have a friend..."

I tried to restrain my grin, and he rolled his eyes at me. "It's not me."

I withheld my laugh, feigning that I believed him as I nodded for him to continue.

"And this friend... he kissed his friend, a guy. But now his friend has been ignoring him... and my friend doesn't know why. I think it's cause my friend usually plays around a lot with girls, but maybe his friend doesn't like him the same way?"

I thought for a second, thinking how complicated it must be for him and Keith. "Sounds complicated. Maybe they should have a deep talk? Get everything off their chests."

Lance nodded, going back to washing the dishes while lost in thought. I filled two glasses with water before going back upstairs. I walked back into my room to see Seth on the phone, and I handed him his glass of water.

He looked up, his face still looking amazing with exhaustion tracing his features. His blush was entertaining to see, and I grinned.

"Mornin', beautiful."

He shook his head slightly as he drank his water, groaning. "That alcohol hit me hard."

I shrugged, "You weren't exactly super drunk, though."

"I don't get crazy, or anything. But the hangover is regrettable..."

"Oh." I went over to my bathroom, getting him some Tylenol from my mirror's cabinet. I walked over, feeling glad to be able to help his headache. "Here. It'll help."

Seth nodded, drinking the tablet down with water. I went over to my bedside table, grabbing my phone and checking the time. It was already ten in the morning, which was pretty late considering I woke up extra early everyday for school. "Any plans for today?"

He shook his head, "Not really, it is a Saturday. I was planning to stay at home and watch Netflix for the majority of it. Luckily, my mom's away on business, so she can't freak out about me being away last night."

"But your curfew-"

"I was just supposed to call her when I got home.”

"That's good, I guess. Wanna stay for breakfast?" I went to my closet, taking off my clothes from last night.

"Ye-Yeah. I don't really have much else to do..."

I pulled on some black joggers and a white tee. I pulled off my earrings, necklaces, and rings on my small jewelry stand. I glanced in the mirror, hoping my appearance was okay. I suddenly heard a loud heartbeat, and I looked over to see Seth's reddened face and wide eyes that were scanning me up and down.

I couldn't help the pride that came over myself when I saw the effect I had on him, "You okay?

He nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah. Um, I just couldn't help but notice you have a lot of defined... structure in your body."

I shrugged with a coy smile, sitting on the bed next to him, "I guess it's the genes."

"Mm." He bit his lip, and shook his head. "So, about last night-"

Monsè burst through the door, "MOM'S ALMOST HOME!" She ran over to me and Seth, dragging us by the hand to the living room. "YOU GUYS ARE HELPING!"

I nodded with a small gulp, suddenly remembering how much Monsè could be as scary as Mom sometimes. Seth got a broom out as I picked up the bigger pieces of trash on the floor, and when we were done with that, we cleaned the furniture for stains and crumbs of food. Monsè tidied up and re-arranged everything back to how it was, like the decor in the living room and the kitchen, as well as the photos in the hallway. Lance and I placed the audio and lights system in the garage, deciding it'd go there until Lindsay would come pick it up. I fell on the couch, sighing in exhaustion after an hour of cleaning. I could hear Seth and Monsè in the kitchen, making small talk as they both cooked breakfast. Lance sat beside me, "So does sex with a guy feel better than when it's with a girl?"

I sighed, feeling a sliver of offense and amusement at my brother's stupidity. "Have you even had sex with a girl?"

"Well-"

"Nope. You haven't. Because if you did, you wouldn't ask such a stupid question, Lance."

"Why is it stupid? It's a legitimate question-"

I felt exasperated, "Dude, I don't know. I haven't had sex with either gender, and I don't plan to have sex in general unless my mate says he'd like to."

"But, didn't he spend the night-"

"Which meant nothing. He stayed the night, and we slept. Literally. He's a human, remember? Most humans don't just sleep with someone right after meeting them, mates or not."

"Uh, I feel like that's not entirely true-"

"Lance." I gave him a deadpanned stare, "I really can't talk about this right now."

He gave me a knowing smile, "Sirius acting up?"

I cursed, hearing my wolf howl at the idea of mating Seth. "Like no tomorrow."

If you really cared about our mate, Sirius, you'd wait until he was ready.

I'm just excited. Leave me be.

You first.

"Yeah, I get you. Landon just loses his shit every birthday that gets closer to finding our mate."

I huffed, "You'll find them soon. Just, don't get too caught up in other people, it could just complicate stuff.

"Like you and Bella?"

I frowned, thinking how she might feel now. I did give her false hope, but hopefully she would take it well. "Yeah. I mean, I don't have feelings, but I know she does. I don't wanna hurt her."

"Seems a little late for that."

The smell of bacon drifted in the air, and my stomach growled. Lance sniffed the air with a groan, "Damn. That smells amazing."

I nodded in agreement as we both got up and walked towards the kitchen. I saw Seth slightly swaying back and forth on the stool as he ate a plate of egg, hash browns, pancakes, and bacon. There were two other plates awaiting on the island, Lance and I sat eagerly as Monsè served herself some milk in a cup.

Seth poured syrup on his pancakes, "Thanks for having me for breakfast, guys."

We all nodded, Monsè poured us cups of milk as she spoke. "What are mates for?"

I glared at her as Seth raised an eyebrow, "Mate?"

Monsè and Lance shared a smirk as she continued, "Yeah, you know. Friends, pals, buddies..."

I seethed, and interrupted quickly, "So what does your mom work in?"

He looked to me, "Oh. She's a social worker. Sometimes she goes to different counties which makes me have the house to myself."

Lance grinned, "Must be fun. You ever throw parties?"

He shook his head with an amused smile, "Not really, I just like to watch Netflix and read books.”

I took another bite of my bacon strip, "I don't usually throw parties but, I figured it'd be cool to have one big one for the special eighteen, you know?"

He nodded, I continued, "When's your birthday, Seth?"

He sipped at his milk, "May."

I was stumped for a second, "Wait. Doesn't that mean you should be-"

"I should've graduated, yeah. I was..." His cheeks reddened, "Held back. Unfairly, might I add."

I chuckled, "What happened?"

My siblings gave him an expectant look, and Seth sighed. "Okay, but you can't laugh."

"Alright."

"So, I was in fifth grade, and on the day of the state test, I got super sick and had an urge to vomit all the time. But it was, like, state tests so I had to go, and when I finished the test, I vomited all over the tests. It was the holes you fill in with bubbles so..."

Monsè gasped, "No."

Lance and I groaned in unison at the embarrassment of it.

"Then, the school and my mom decided I should redo the year over so I can take the test again- which sucked- but it's whatever."

"At least we got to meet."

He looked up, a blush rising to his cheeks. "Yeah, I guess. Listen, I need to talk to you-"

The lock clicked, and everyone but Seth turned to the front door from the kitchen. We could hear them muttering, and I laughed at one of their comments that I could make out.

"It smells like teen desperation in here."

Seth looked at me confused, and I shook my head.

Monsè whacked the back of my head and I winced, pointedly glaring at her. Her loud and scolding voice rang in my head, ‘Could you be any more obvious?’

"Ooh, it smells delicious-" My mom stared with wide eyes at Seth, she hadn't been able to smell him due to the other smells lingering in the house from the party no doubt, and was certainly surprised. She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, "It's okay I'm confused, right? Who is this? You didn't tell me someone was sleeping over."

My father followed in right after, looking at all of us with a confused gaze. "Um, what's going on?"

I scratched the back of my neck, "Mom. Dad, this is my ma-"

Seth interrupted, standing up and extending his hand. "Friend. Seth Truman." His nervous chuckle rang in my mind as I gave him a questioning glance, and even Monsè and Lance looked at me confused. What did he think I would say? Why did it matter? I wondered how much longer I would have to court him in a human way... "Sorry to barge in. I kind of crashed after the party last night."

My mom practically gushed, and looked at me while questioning me through the mind link. ‘Is this your mate?’

I nodded, scratching my neck in slight embarrassment. It wasn't that I was embarrassed of him, hell no. It's just that my mom was very sweet and open, that she was obviously adored with my mate as well, and that she might embarrass me. Who wouldn't be?

"Oh, it's no trouble at all. We're happy to accommodate you." My dad smirked at him from behind my mom as he spoke, and I shook my head in annoyance. My dad gave me a raised brow and I rolled my eyes at his smug expression.

"Ah." Seth chuckled nervously, "Thanks. Your daughter is really good at cooking."

Monsè smirked, and my mom smiled.

"Yeah, she's really big on cooking." I gave him my most charming grin, and he avoided my eyes with a small blush forming on his cheeks. "How about you?"

He looked at Monsè, "So do you always make pancakes from scratch?"

I scowled, and I could hear Sirius whimper in the back of my head. My jaw clenched, and I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. He was sending me mixed signals, and I didn't want that: just tell me everything clearly for fuck's sake. I didn't want to let my anger cloud my judgement, but I also wanted to give him the cold shoulder if he was going to do the same to me.

My mom's hands massaged my shoulders, and I couldn't help but feel calm and relaxed at the notion. I placed my hand over hers and squeezed it, thanking her for the help. My dad was next to us too, hugging her from behind and resting his head on her shoulder. I looked up and smiled softly, talking with them through the mind link, ‘Thanks.’

‘Of course, darling.’

Seth stood up from the barstool, "It was nice for you guys to have me, but I really should be heading home now."

"I'll drive you." I say as I stand up abruptly, and he was about to protest until my sister just patted his shoulder and shook her head. She knew damn well I was too stubborn. He nodded, understanding what she meant.

I took another bite of my plate and told Monsè to save it for me before going upstairs to get a hoodie and my shoes. I came back down in a hurry, and grabbed the keys beside the door, "Seth!"

He came from the hallway after I heard him say his goodbyes to my family, and I opened the door for him chivalrously.

We got in the truck, and I sighed as I sat down. I tried not to glance at him while I made sure the mirrors were okay, and I put on my seatbelt after starting the car. I was hoping to make conversation, so I left the radio off as I pulled out of the driveway. Seth looked out of the window and rested his chin on his hand, and I laughed mentally when I remembered that he'd have to give me his address. I could just drive around until he decided to speak up, and it'd be hilarious. I turned left, and went towards my favorite burger joint.

I glanced at him before speaking up, "So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

I pulled into the burger joint's drive-thru line, awaiting for my turn, and he sighed. "Okay. So about last night, what we did-"

"Was amazing." I smirked at him as I remembered the feeling of his body against mine while we slept. His lips were really nice too.

"It was a mistake." Seth twiddled his thumbs, and I felt a breath escape me. What was he saying? "Look, you're really nice and everything. But I know you and a girl named Bella have something going on, and... I don't want to be caught in the middle."

I cursed inwardly. I couldn't believe I would mess something up like this, and I wondered why I messed with Bella in the first place. Oh, because I didn't want a mate. Well, I changed my mind. I liked him, the feeling of him with me was amazing. I was keeping him, end of story.

"Bella and I were never even together." I pulled up in line, almost close to the order section. "So we messed around a couple times, it meant nothing."

"Maybe to you, but it means a lot to her." He scoffed, and I suddenly realized something.

"Wait, how do you even know this?"

He looked away before cursing under his breath.

"Did my sister-"

"No. Last night, I could see the way she looked at you." I narrowed my eyes, knowing he was keeping something from me. "Fine. I overheard you and Lance talking."

"Oh." I tensed up, then relaxed when predicting it was probably the last part of the conversation since he wasn't concerned about the other parts. "What I said still stands."

"But it didn't mean anything! It was just a drunken kiss-" I interrupted his exasperated rant.

"Not for me." I gave him a hardened stare, clenching my jaw in determination. "I like you, okay? And I want to get to know you."

He looked shocked, and sat back in his seat as he thought to himself. I awkwardly pulled up to the order section of the drive-thru, and asked for two milkshakes.

"I'd like strawberry, please."

I nodded, changing Seth's to strawberry, and made mine Oreo. It was only seven bucks, and was well worth it. I parked in the lot outside and Seth raised a curious brow, "Why aren't you driving me home?"

"I don't really feel like it." I grinned, feeling amused now. Had he noticed yet?

"What are you talking about? You said you would." He furrowed his brows, starting to look angry. I shrugged, nonchalant.

"I changed my mind." He was about to protest when I chuckled, "I'm kidding. You never gave me your address."

"Ohhh." He blushed, embarrassed and I chuckled again.

"It's okay." I tossed him my phone, "Just type it in."

He sipped noisily while typing it in, blushing as I gazed at him while sipping my own drink. It was tasty, but all I could think of was how I woke up next to him in bliss. He handed the phone back to me, and I memorized the route there before placing it in the middle. It wasn't that far, and I parked in his driveway no later than ten minutes.

He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh as I shifted the gear into park. He silently got out of the car, and I wondered for a moment if I should let him go like this. I could hear Sirius whimpering, and I decided I couldn't just leave it like this.

I got out of the car in a hurry, and he looked at me in surprise in front of his door. I scratched the back of my neck in anxiousness, "So about earlier..."

"I can't." Seth held the bridge of his nose, seemingly frustrated. I looked at him, feeling confused.

"Well, why not?"

He groaned, "What part of it being meaningless don't you understand?"

"What part of this," I grabbed his hand and placed it on my chest, feeling the same sparks from last night, from every time I've ever touched him, all over again, "do you not understand? I know you feel it too."

He looked conflicted, his eyes shutting as if in concentration as his body reacted to my subtle touch. My thumb rubbed across the back of his palm, and he huffed at me with a glare. I knew I looked desperate, but I couldn't help it. At first, I thought having a mate would be disastrous and painful. Being forced to be with someone, like some Neanderthal from the 1800s, or something. But then I saw that it wasn't really forced, and that it was a real connection.

"We have something. Don't deny it." His hand slowly became a fist against my chest, but I still held it there as I gazed at him. I silently whispered, "Please."

Seth's eyes met mine, searching for what, I have no idea. He was about to speak when a voice interrupted, somewhat smooth and high-pitched.

"Babe!" His hand quickly retracted from mine, and we both looked towards the sidewalk in front of his house. "Hey, I left you tons of messages. We were supposed to hang out this morning, remember?"

My wolf growled as I observed her, suddenly seeing an obstacle to his mate. She was a little shorter than Seth, with long black and wavy hair. She was slim, with average sized assets. Her face was heart shaped, with pretty red lips that complimented her pale skin and her eyes were big with brown doe-like eyes. She was pretty.

As she embraced him, he gave me a guilty expression while he hugged her back from the waist. My eyes widened as I realized what must've been obvious by now. Seth had a girlfriend.

"Oh fuck."

She looked up at me in confusion, and Seth visibly paled. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me, my emotions becoming numb as one ruled above the others; anger.

"I can't believe this..." I shook my head, murmuring to myself as I was almost seething at this point. "Motherfucker..."

"Can't believe what?" Her question had an edge, and I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I immediately turned on my charm, chuckling as I pretended to be bashful.

"How pretty you are. I mean, who thought Seth would have such a hot friend?"

Her eyes widened, and I laughed again before speaking up again.

"Oh, wow. How rude of me," I grinned mischievously as I extended my hand out to her, "My name's Xavier, with an X."

She smiled, her eyes still somewhat confused as she placed her hand in mine. I brought it up to my mouth, placing a ginger kiss on the back of her palm while she blushed. I could feel Seth's glare, but I kept my gaze trained on her as I let go of her hand. This is what I get for actually liking my mate. I should've rejected him from the start. God, I want to forget ever meeting this bastard. This hot bastard...

She chuckled, nervous, "My name is Cassie. It's nice to meet you."

"I assume you're single." I bit my lip with a smile, coyly crossing my arms to flex my muscles. Yes, I was being a douche on purpose.

"Oh." She laughed again at my flattery, "No. Seth here is actually my boyfriend."

I laughed back, still focused on her while I could see Seth's jaw clench from my peripheral view. "Oh. Yeah, I was hoping not."

I narrowed my eyes at Seth with a scowl. Cassie raised an eyebrow, and I shrugged as I grew a grin again.

"You know, because you're pretty."

"How do you know my boyfriend again?" She shook her head with a scoff, but still smirked.

"He went to my party last night. I had to let him crash at my place because he got a little rowdy, to say the least." I smirked back, and she looked at him with a questioning expression. He guiltily smiled, and she chuckled. "Then I drove him home after a nice breakfast. So, yeah."

She smiled again, "Well, thanks for that. I really appreciate you taking care of him."

"Yeah." I scoffed at the unknown innuendo she just made, and I laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, I took care of him. He was practically all over me too."

She gasped and Seth cursed under his breath.

"Seth, I didn't know you got that drunk." She pressed her hand up to his forehead, "Do you have a headache?"

He shook his head, smiling the fakest smile I've ever seen, and glanced at me nervously. I nodded while scolding myself, practically wanting to die right then and there.

"Well," I clapped my hands together, "I gotta get going. It was nice meeting you, Cassie," I extended my hand out and shook hers gently, then patted Seth on the shoulder roughly. "And it was good hanging out with you last night, Seth."

He nodded, his smile more like a grimace. I turned, feeling defeated before I came up with an idea suddenly.

"Hey, Seth!" Both he and his girlfriend turned around, Cassie curious and Seth panicking. I smirked, "Don't forget about our study session this Monday!"

She looked up at him, no doubt wondering what I meant, and he raised an eyebrow at me. I smiled, "You said you'd help me with History at my house after school this Monday, remember?"

I didn't have history.

Seth made a surprised expression before quickly giving me a thumbs-up. He then took his girlfriend by the waist, and turned her towards the front door while he discreetly gave me the finger. I laughed sarcastically to myself before opening my car door and sitting down in my seat. I turned the radio to my favorite station, and drove home.

The minute my bedroom door closed behind me, I exhaled heavily. The weight in my chest was so heavy. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I wondered if my family would ask me what was wrong if I cried. Luckily, I'd managed to avoid them as I stomped up to my room, but no doubt they already knew something was up.

I went into the bathroom, turning on the shower on it's heaviest. I took a deep breath as I looked myself in the mirror, trying to calm down, but I could feel the familiar sensation of my eyes tearing up. I clenched my fists as I choked up, and the sob broke out before I could stop it. I grit my teeth to try to stop it, sniffling while my hot tears were flowing now, but it didn't work.

This whole situation brought up things I'd rather forget. But I couldn't, no matter what I did, they stayed with me.

I had walked up to him during recess, smiling, 'Hey, why didn't you come over the other day?'

His eyes were hardened, and his mouth turned upwards in a scowl before he spat out the words I remembered all too well.

'Why do you care so much?'

I was about to respond, but he had already said the worst part.

'What are you? Gay?'

I shivered now as I did back then, exhaling deep as to not induce another sobbing fit. But right now, it was already too late, I was crying and I couldn't stop it.

I shivered now as I did back then, exhaling deep as to not induce another sobbing fit. But right now, it was already too late, I was crying and I couldn't stop it.

He was another closeted male, except this time it was worse. He was my mate, my soulmate, and he had a girlfriend. I cursed the moon goddess, hoping I'd get smite down to avoid the pain of this. Unfortunately, the pain never went away.

It had already been an hour, and I heard my cellphone ring in my back pocket. It was Bella. I debated what to do, and Sirius practically screamed at the notion. I shook my head as I answered it.

"Hey."

———

The full story below:

[elizabethrobertajones]

Why do you think that when seemingly funny thing happen, they happen to Dean? Like the fear thing in Yellow Fever or the age thing in 5.07 and 10.12 (both old and young!) or the memory thing in Regarding Dean. I'm sure I'm missing a lot of others (and also the not so funny like the vampire thing in 6.05 and of course Demon!Dean in S10). But I can't really picture Sam on those situation tho, Dean is perfect xD

And this is why Plucky’s is my favourite episode, because the thing happened to Sam and it was also perfect but in a completely different way :P 

If you’ve seen the gifset ever of that con where they were talking somewhat seriously about this, before someone said Sam was the straight man to Dean and then Jared imploded… I mean, I need someone to turn that up for me so I can stick it in the “thanks Jared” section of my massive bi dean meta etc resource… But also they WERE making a serious point before they derailed it :P 

The show has a lot of quietly set in stone dynamics. I mean, well, they’re stuff that can get subverted or a particular arc or season will try to explore things from a different angle, but even when they try to do that they still work within certain rules. 

I should probably just make a gif of it for myself, but my favourite visual for this is in 11x04… actually it’s 2am and I have the Sleep Madness so I’ll just do that… 

It’s such a wonderful image of the 2 of them, with Sam wearing red and Dean wearing blue, and top and tail like that. They’re 2 parts of a whole but they’re utterly different people and they’re often mirror images to each other in ways where when something applies to one, the direct opposite is shown in the other. 

(Sidebar: it’s why I’m so delighted that Sam was like blah blah Cas is family and then Dean was like you may be able to forget Cas but I can’t!!!!1 in 13x03… But on the other hand there are things where the nuances get lost and people make weird wrong assumptions like us having to endlessly prove Dean is the smart one because of the lingering first impression that doesn’t let anyone create any nuance after “sam went to college and dean didn’t”)

Anyway, setting up a straight man and comedy sidekick duo drops that all on Dean because from the first episode Sam’s all serious and has epic angst, while Dean tries to lighten the mood and clearly has the snarky sort of attitude that lends itself towards being the comedic one. Even when they make Dean angsty, Sam is serious and Dean big brother picks on him a bit sometimes (in a nice way) and teases him a lot - this is all broad strokes season 1 characterisation I’m talking about, really. But yeah, even if they go super deep or make Dean super angsty, he’s established as the character who can deal with it. And sometimes dealing with it is shouldering a cracky episode’s concept because they know his reactions are going to be easier to sell the thing.

The other thing is emotional POV and Dean’s largely established as the character who has that. Sam spends a lot of time unavailable as the emotional POV and Dean has shouldered entire SEASONS of it (season 6 especially where he was the ONLY viable emotional POV character for large chunks of it). Emotional POV is not really who the episode is ABOUT but what character is reacting to it and filtering how we should feel about a thing for us. In 6x03 when Cas wants to read the kid’s soul to get info, Dean steps in like wtf we don’t torture kids, but Sam and Cas outweigh him because utilitarian means to an end for the greater good blah blah. It makes it clear if we’d missed it that Dean is the only person whose judgement can be trusted until further notice. So until then, we always have to check in with Dean to get the read on a thing. 

Anyway because Dean is the emotional POV we cry and suffer along with him, but we also laugh along with him.

In 7x14 even when Sam gets a funny episode about him, the clowns aren’t really revealing anything about him - we knew about the clown fear since 2x02, it’s explored before the fight but largely for Dean’s benefit, and Sam getting the crap kicked out of him by clowns makes him a hilarious object for us - the fight scene is ridiculously funny but it IS just Sam having the snot beaten out of him while they come up with creative ways clowns would WRECK you in a fight. Dean gets an emotional showdown with the guy controlling the fears, and is the one who learns a lesson from it, while Sam had never really been set up for anything other than being the centre of attention of all the nonsense because it was really really funny that he was scared of clowns. It’s like the “the ball washer” “the what?” exchange explains Sam’s entire role in the episode. 

(Which was Dean doing big brother teasing but like the entire narrative decided to torture him :P)

And meanwhile when Dean gets the hilarious episodes which turn out to be really really painful, we get deep explorations of his psyche. 4x06 explores his hell trauma and reveals a lot about what he went through, and his fears about what Sam will become (LOVE THAT DABB EXPOSITION :D)… Idk about the old man Dean episode but he had some DEEP scenes with Bobby in it I seem to recall… I think @thejabberwock was probably giffing it recently and putting it on my dash for me to scroll past without really looking the moment I recognised what episode it was :P) but it was an episode that let them sort of relate to each other a bit better I think. Or Dean to feel for Bobby some more. Idk, I think there is a super important conversation between them? This is what happens when you put an episode on your “eeeeh skip it unless you’re being weirdly thorough” list :P

But yeah young!Dean was a massively important Dean episode exploring deep down in his character, but just delivered through silly moments about cake and Taylor Swift and complaining about puberty. Or the CAR THING with Sam where it’s a huge description of their relationship that Dean hops in the car seat even though he might not be old enough to even legally DRIVE her, and then Sam gets in the front seat and Dean just squishes him, hauling the seat forward for his tiny legs to reach the pedals. Like, Sam didn’t argue and it didn’t occur to Dean and they only swapped AFTER this bad dynamic caused a stupid mess and crushed Sam? Hello entire codependency metaphor :P 

(And I don’t think I need to explain 12x11 since it was so recent and so so awful about Dean D: Oh gosh, you could have just given us the Larry riding montage and no episode and that would have been enough :P)

Anyway as the emotional POV this stuff happens to Dean because changes to his self is the plot idea to help with stuff that’s to come or to explain things that already happened in the main plot, or really OTT situations they want for their own sake, that push the boundaries of his character but seem more to do with the main plot unfolding, make sense to explore through Dean, because his emotional landscape is often plot relevant, and the exploration even if it’s wrapped up in a silly concept, usually makes a lot more sense to apply to him because we already have a vast playground of his characterisation to mess around in. 10x12 and 12x11 especially were calling on everything about Dean. I think the writer even went on Twitter I guess when he was writing it and polled everyone on the most Dean-like things they could think of, and clearly got the answers “music, pie, car and girls” because those were the main metaphors of subverting Dean’s character that he offered.

I don’t think this is to reflect negatively on Sam - he gets some fascinating character stuff but connected to the main plot and not delving him in the same way Dean is delved (I think the imbalance and not understanding how they’re written can make people sad on Sam’s behalf he doesn’t get enough development in the same way Dean gets it, which is often by default when we care about character stuff over plot. I also think the writing falls into ruts of this which HAVE favoured Dean and his emotional arcs over Sam’s plot stuff). But Sam can get some incredible character stuff out of the plot things - I think Sam in Berens episodes is a great example because I’m still reeling from 13x03 and the stuff he said to Jack, because that’s all using the main plot to explore Sam - even if a lot of it was saying obvious stuff we knew about Sam, he doesn’t really say it too often and forcing him to say it out loud in episode THREE means the season is going to have to build on that or fail Sam (and he’s so wrapped up in what happens to Jack I can’t see his character stuff connected to that disappearing :P) 

But yeah, him being the “straight man” means that Dean is bouncing off him to be the funny one, and that really reflects on every level of the show, especially when you take humour and replace it with the emotional connection we have to the show in general and humour is just a great way to game that to get the reaction in a positive way, and Sam’s not the serious one so much as he’s dealing with the big stuff, usually, and that can wander off to all sorts of places like his habit of completely hammering down any other feelings to deal with the things that have to be done. Or to do the opposite of scaling up Dean, he can scale down to be the more serious one in a silly episode. Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect him - all the episodes where he had to deal with something happening to Dean that put him in charge it really messes him up. Or makes him really good at poker that one time :P 

…

Ah, my neighbours have stopped having a 4 way screaming match outside in the street, I’m going to stop typing and go to bed, so no tl;dr here… it’s turning 2am :D

[thespian-and-proud]

Can't sleep, haven't done one of these in a while..

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life? Yes there is 
2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? Yes, they didn't mean it 
3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” Super Troopers 
4:What’s something you really want right now? To win the lotto 
5:Are you afraid of falling in love? No, just afraid of falling for the wrong person 
6:Do you like the beach? Love the beach, and have a love/hate relationship with the ocean 
7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yeah, my couch at my parents is a corner couch so we weren't squished 
8:What’s the background on your cell? My cat 
9:If someone came to your house weekly to do one chore for you, what chore would you have them do? umm i guess clean my room 
10:Do you like your phone? I love it! 
11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Some thing are, some things aren't 
12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Trevor which i'm surprised about. He was my first friend when I moved down here 
13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler definitely 
14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional 
15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo. I like animals :) 
16:Are you tired? Exhausted... all the time.. both physically and emotionally 
17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? 1st as in alphabetically? umm i only knew him for a semester at school years ago. We haven't talked since i dropped out 
18:Are they a relative? No just a friend from a previous school 
19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? Nope. It didn't work then, it won't work now 
20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? recently, actually 
21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Well yeah, that's the goal isn't it? 
22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Of course I would, anytime, any place 
23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? Just my FitBit if that even counts as a bracelet 
24:Is there a certain quote you live by? "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind" -Dr. Seuss 
25:What’s on your mind? Too many things... 
26:Do you have any tattoos? No but i'm in the process of planning my first! 
27:What is your favorite color? Purple 
28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Not for a while.. 
29:Who are you texting? No one at the moment, that's why i'm doing this :p 
30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? Yes I have 
31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? lol too often 
32:Who is one person that you miss talking to, and why? Oh man.. ummm i'm gonna say everyone in new york cause I suck at keeping in contact with people i don't physically see on a regular basis 
33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I sure hope so 
34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? All the time, especially at work 
35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I'd walk away 
36:Were you single on Valentines Day? Nope! 
37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? Lol yes i am 
38:What do your friends call you? Rachel 
39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? No one has directly upset me no 
40:Have you ever cried over a text? yes 
41:Where’s your last bruise located? On my thigh from flipping chairs at work 
42:If you could take a roadtrip somewhere, where would you go and why? New York to visit the family and friends I haven't seen in a while 
43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Every once in a while I imagine what things might be like if I just went off the grid 
44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Tim, cause the guy installing our TV service had a question 
45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? Yes but I rarely get to wear them cause i never go out 
46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Doesn't everyone? 
47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? I don't think so.. maybe short but not bald... 
48:Do you make supper for your family? On the rare occasion that i'm actually home at dinner time and i have the money for ingredients yeah i do 
49:Does your bedroom have a door? yeah, it would be awkward if it didn't 
50:Top 3 web-pages? that i visit on the daily? facebook, twitter, and the nmsu website 
51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Me :p 
52:Does anything on your body hurt? I'm sore from the gym 
53:Are goodbyes hard for you? Depends on who i'm saying goodbye to, but yeah I actually try and avoid goodbyes cause they're awkward for me 
54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? A coke at work when i was cleaning off tables and spilled the drink 
55:How is your hair? I've been having really good hair days lately 
56:What do you usually do first in the morning? Check my phone and go through social media to wake up my brain before getting out of bed 
57:Do you think two people can last forever? I do, if they're the right people for each other 
58:Who has been your all-time favorite celebrity crush? Mila Kunis 
59:Green or purple grapes? Green 
60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? Honestly? I have no idea... 
61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? I mean i'm pretty comfy.. 
62:When will be the next time you text someone? Probably sometime tomorrow 
63:What is your favorite meal? Medium rare steak and garlic mashed potatoes 
64:What were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping 
65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Same as this year 
66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? More than one actually 
67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? hugged 
68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I was watching The Simpsons so probably something related to that 
69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? All the time 
70: List your favorite Youtubers Joe Santagato and Cristine Rotenberg are my top 2 right now 
71:If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you visit and why? Puerto Rico to learn about my culture 
72:What is your ringtone? My call ringtone is one of the default iPhone ones, my text tone is the Kim Possible one 
73:How old are you? 23 
74:Where is your Mum right now? New York 
75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? We broke up because we lived on opposite sides of the US and then we both moved on, we're still friends though and talk every once in a while 
76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Nope 
77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some yeah 
78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? I wasn't alive in the year 7... when i was 7 years old? no idea... 7th grade? Orlando Bloom 
79:If you could choose anywhere in the world to live, where would you live and why? Just somewhere peaceful away from neighbors 
80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes, but I don't do it very often, usually I like to cuddle until i'm ready to sleep then we separate cause I move around in my sleep 
81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? i like my friends! so a lot of people ☺️ 
82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Nope 
83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Nope.. 
84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? I don't think i'd ever get drunk enough to do that.. 
85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? It would depend on a lot of things... 
86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? There was a child running around that I wanted to punch... 
87:Who was your last received call from? My boss 
88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? I'm a broke college student, what do you think? 
89:What is something you wish you had more of? Money :p and patience 
90:Have you ever trusted someone too much? Yup... 
91:Do you sleep with your window open? No it's too hot here for that 
92:Do you get along with girls? Not many.. 
93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? Nope 
94:Does sex mean love? Nope 
95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Haha not at all 
96:What is your favorite book, and why? I don't read many books unfortunately but I guess my favorite would be Ella Enchanted cause it gives me all the feels and I can literally start it over as soon as I finish it and I still get the same reactions (p.s. the book and the movie are totally different stories and the book is so much more amazing) 
97:Did you sleep alone this week? Yup 
98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? I'm lucky enough to have a few 
99:Do you believe in love at first sight? No but I believe in instant attraction 
100:What do you do for a career, and what would you love to be doing if you could do anything for a career? I'm stuck in food service but I would love to be working in theater or welding