#i watched my husband struggle with it for the first several years of our relationship

[femstyles]

X

[animalhumanemn]

We adopted Kylo from the Golden Valley site on New Years' Eve 2023.

2023 was a really difficult year for my husband and I and started with one of our senior dogs (Daisy) going to the urgent care vet on January 1st. The year progressed with her being diagnosed with degenerative neuropathy and Cushing’s. About half way through the year (on Memorial Day) our other senior dog (Duke) became ill and was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma 2 days later. It had already spread throughout his body so we made the extremely difficult decision to end his suffering and say goodbye. This was the first time we had ever had to make the decision to say goodbye to a fur-baby and it was the most difficult decision we had ever been faced with!

Returning home to Daisy (and Poppy) without Duke was heartbreaking! Daisy was never the same after he passed and developed severe separation anxiety. Her health continued to be a rollercoaster for the next few months and life without her best buddy definitely took a toll on her. In early November she developed a gagging cough and ended up at the emergency vet in the middle of the night. She was diagnosed with heart failure and atrial fibrillation. The outlook wasn't good and she had already been through so much throughout the year, that we again made the heart-wrenching decision to end her suffering and pain and say goodbye.

Two dogs in one year was more than we could bear and it broke us! We weren't sure we would ever be able to open our hearts up to another dog after we lost two of our best friends. Luckily, we had our sweet cat (Poppy) there to comfort us with endless cuddles. Her unconditional love is what got us through those first few months. After a couple of months passed, we were really struggling with how quiet the house was without Daisy and Duke. We had at least one dog in our home for the last 14 years and had never lived in a house as a couple without one. So we started to casually look at puppies online at Animal Humane Society. Our hearts slowly started to open up to the idea that maybe we could share our love with a dog again, but we were concerned about how we would introduce a dog to Poppy as her happiness and wellbeing were our main priority and concern.

We visited the Humane Society a few times over the next few weeks and visited with a few puppies, but nothing felt quite right. The Friday before New Year's Eve we saw a puppy online at the Coon Rapids location. After we both got off work we met there to go visit with him. Unfortunately, another couple already had him in a visitation room and ended up taking him home. We took that as a sign that he wasn’t the puppy for us and decided to keep looking online and decided that we would make a trip to Golden Valley right when they opened Sunday morning (New Year's Eve) to see what puppies they had available. We looked at the website on Saturday evening and had our eye on a 3-month-old puppy, Biscuit. She was absolutely adorable and we figured she was still young enough to be able to work with her on building a great relationship with Poppy.

We arrived at the Golden Valley location shortly after they opened on New Years Eve and quickly made our way back to the puppy suites. We located a volunteer and asked to take Biscuit into a visitation room. We visited with her for a while, but the connection wasn’t really there. We could see the other puppies from the room we were in and noticed a little pure white puppy watching us. My husband left the room to find a volunteer because he wanted to switch puppies and visit with him instead. Not long after switching puppies we knew something was different. This one felt right, but would he get along with Poppy? We stayed in the visitation room with him for over an hour and visited with several staff and volunteers during that period trying to decide if this would work. The last volunteer we visited with was a foster for kittens and shared her experience with us and told us confidently that she thought he would be a good fit for Poppy if we introduced them slowly. So we decided to leave that day with Kylo, still not completely sure we were ready for this, but knowing that we wouldn’t have the heart to return him, so we had to make this work!

We weren’t attached to the name Kylo so thought about changing it to Peanut. Later that evening; out of curiosity, I googled “Kylo meaning”. What popped up at the top of my search was “Sky; Heavenly” and we instantly knew we had to keep the name. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it right away or not and it felt like this was a sign that he had been sent to us by our fur-babies who crossed the rainbow bridge earlier in the year.

Two months have passed since we brought our sweet Kylo home. His personality and appearance are an odd 50/50 combination of Daisy and Duke. While he looks more like Duke in his stature, he has Daisy’s color. He loves to cuddle in blankets like Duke used to, and sleeps with his limbs in the air like Daisy used to. He is a constant reminder of our fur-babies that have passed, but also brings a new life into our house that we haven’t had in a while. I think he is exactly what we needed to be able to move forward. I still struggle with the loss of Daisy and Duke every day, but he is there to help me through it alongside Poppy. The first few weeks were really tough introducing him to Poppy, but I am happy to report that as of a few weeks ago we are all sleeping in the same bed and Kylo no longer has to be on a leash in the house!

I want to say “THANK YOU” to everyone involved with Animal Humane Society! The work you do is so AMAZING! Kylo is our 4th fur-baby adopted from Animal Humane Society's Golden Valley location.

(Daisy & Duke are in the first picture, Kylo and Poppy are in the second picture and Kylo is pictured alone in the last one)

— Sarah & Matt

[stolen-glass-bottle]

Crowley and the song “Tightrope” From “The Greatest Showman”: An Analysis

I’m a musical nerd and a Good Omens nerd, and I’m upset and distraught, so here are some of my thoughts on Crowley with one of my fave songs from that movie!

. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S-CVJuNQo6w

I put the scene from the movie just cause I like picturing Crowley in the part where her shadow is dancing with her husbands shadow

ANYWAY my sad gay people lets get into it

The beginning lyrics:

Some people long for a life, that is simple and planned, tied with a ribbon

He watched Newt (simple) and Anathema (planned) fall in love

Some people won’t sail the sea, cause they’re safer on land, to follow what’s written

Maggie and Nina, Nina being afraid to start a new relationship because she was so used to her old toxic one, Maggie being nervous to talk to her

Then of course:

But I’d follow you to the great unknown, off to a world we’d call our own

It has been shown time and time again in the show that where Aziraphale goes, Crowley follows (France, the church w the Nazis, etc)

Crowley also very frequently talks about running off with Aziraphale, being together just the two of them, their own side, or, their own world

Hand in my hand and you promised, to never let go, we’re walking a tightrope, high in the sky we can see the whole world down below

Aziraphale, in a way, did promise something to Crowley, in the Arrangement

Because they could never outright say it, the Arrangement was the next best thing, a way to promise company, promise help, promise care, under the guise of thwarting each other

However, it was a very tedious line, a very very risky arrangement (MUCH LIKE A TIGHTROPE DO YOU SEE WHAT IM GETTING AT HERE)

Never sure, never know how far we could fall

This is unprecedented territory, they are the first angel and demon, as far as we know, to have done what they do, to have any sort of companionship, or God forbid, love (before Gabriel and Beelzebub). They wouldn’t have known what the consequences could be, how severe their respective sides would punish them

But it’s all an adventure that comes with a breath-taking view, walking a tightrope, with you

But Crowley, for lack of a better term, is a simp, he’s willing to risk it because he loves Aziraphale so much

Mountains and valleys and all that will come in between, desert and ocean

You pull me in and together we’re lost in a dream, always in motion

This I just feel like is a good representation of how Crowley probably felt when being with Aziraphale, it was a constant dance between the two of them, but they kept holding onto each other throughout the whole thing

So I’d risk it all, just to be with you, and I’d risk it all, for this life we choose

This is the main crux of his character. While Aziraphale was always still nervous about the repercussions, the punishments for whatever he had with Crowley, Crowley was ready to risk it for them, for Aziraphale. He didn’t want Aziraphale in trouble, so he was willing to reign it for Aziraphale, but for himself? He didn’t care

Then the chorus plays again, but there’s a different line at the end:

Never sure, will you catch me if I should fall

Despite the trust he has in Aziraphale and what they have, especially after seaosn 2, Crowley is probably always or was for a while, nervous that Aziraphale was going to switch up on him one day, go back to Heaven and abandon him, leave him struggling for balance on his own

When it came down to it, there was probably always a doubt or insecurity that Aziraphale was going to pick Heaven over him

But then he goes back to:

But it’s all adventure that comes with a breathtaking view, walking a tightrope, with you

BECAUSE RVEN THOUGH AZIRAPHALE LEFT HIM FOR HEAVEN, AND HOW UPSET CROWLEY MUST BE, WE KNOW DEEP DOWN CROWLEY WOULDNT HAVE TRADED HIS YEARS WITH HIM FOR ANYTHING

Crowley knows part of his personal risk in the Arrangement is that Aziraphale might not love him like that, but he doesn’t care just so he can be around him and watch him

ANYWAY thank you for reading this if you did I just have a lot of thoughts

[somberlyyours]

III.

February 11, 2024

On the Asian-American Model Minority Myth and the Tension of Opposites

It’s almost 3 a.m. somewhere in Metro Manila, Philippines. I have been here for three months now, visiting loved ones, and counting down the days and months left in my durational alimony and my means and will to live. This may sound like suicidal ideation to some. I say it is a product of the last four years being played by individuals and institutions I have put my faith and trust in.

Two years ago, in January 2022, I was enrolled in graduate school. I began my graduate program in January 2020, doing my required courses online during COVID-19. I decided to move from FL to STL, MO to complete my field experience at the main campus as we had been informed by the Professional Counseling Department that the online/hybrid program was experiencing difficulties getting accreditation. I could not risk losing my hard-earned graduate school credits going to waste. So I packed up my life in a storage in FL, put the rest of it in a U-Haul truck, and moved halfway across the U.S. to chase my dreams of helping others and bettering myself in what I had hoped would be a purpose-driven, fulfilling career.

In STL, I applied to Casa de Salud, a mental health counseling center in STL, MO as an intern and was accepted. Growing up, I have always had low self-esteem. It took six years for me to find a field of study that played to my strengths: my strength to connect with people and empathize with them. When I got accepted into Casa de Salud, it was quite the confidence booster. I thought, I’m finally on my way to self-actualization after all those years attending to everyone else’s needs…

As an Asian immigrant to the States, specifically, in mostly conservative, rural Florida, I have always been isolated from the larger immigrant communities in big, metropolitan cities. I was sheltered from the harsh realities of racism in America by virtue of my then being married to a White American man. I was aware of racism’s existence from reading about it and watching it on TV. I practically lived in a bubble. Back then, I was simply a married woman who worked hard to care for my loved ones, did what my then husband told, kept my head down, and minded my own business.

My eyes were slowly opened to the harsh realities of racism in America during my enrollment in a graduate course that was a prerequisite to entering a fellowship in the university. I believe the class was called Issues in (Mental Health) Counseling. Every week our professor brought in a different lecturer (via Zoom) discussing special topics affecting minorities and marginalized communities, the topics ranging from healthcare disparities across socioeconomic groups, zoning and housing regulations that perpetuate racial inequity, and other institutional and systemic barriers to minority communities’ upward social mobility.

I listened and absorbed and enthusiastically participated in this class and in all my other classes. The stories of individual hardships and community struggles resonated with me because they’ve been the story of my own life and my people. I craved human companionship and conversation during this time. It was winter when I first arrived in STL, after all. And I’d been working so damn hard. What was that proverb? All work and no play makes a person dull?

I started dating in STL in January 2022. I officially became a divorced woman in February. I matched with several white men on FB Dating. For a very short time on that dating app, I felt young, hopeful, and carefree. Then, I matched with an Asian man. I did not know what to expect meeting him for the first time. I was new in town and thought, what’s the harm in going to lunch in an Asian buffet on a first date? I also thought, maybe it’s time I dated within my own cultural community. My White ex-husband was my first serious relationship. And so, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, “What the heck? Go out there, woman.”

That fateful day in February 20, 2022 in Lulu’s STL, was the beginning of the end for me. That’s when the “Asian minority model myth” started crumbling before my very eyes…*

*To be continued…

[otter1962crystalball]

What's Behind Door #1?

I’m sure that we all agree that it is fun to dream sometimes. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. Some of these dreams are a little out there, but hey, that’s why we call them dreams…

I’ve been dreaming of a time when money wouldn’t be an issue for me. Everyone is struggling right now. There are people out there who can’t pay their bills or get enough food on the table. There are others who have had to sell everything to just survive. I have this recurring dream that I will wake up and the lottery ticket that I bought will be lucky and have me hit the jackpot. I’m dreaming here, really I am. I realize the probability of winning the LotoMax or Lotto 649 here in Canada. I checked and the odds of winning LotoMax is a staggering 33,294,800 to 1 and lotto 649 is 1 in 13.9 million… So, it’s a dream. So why do I keep buying tickets? I do so because my money is tight too. I live in a home that was meant for two people’s wages. I’ve hung on to it and will continue. My poor old truck died two years ago and I had to buy a new (used) car… There are always a bunch of expenses…

I dream about travelling the world. I think that I stand a better chance with this one. If I can manage to retire comfortably, then I can probably travel on a regular basis. I dream about going to Australia, New Zealand, South America, Japan and Norway. I’d love to explore the UK and follow the path of my ancestors, the Vikings. By the way, they have the bad rap of being pillagers and rapists and murderers. Not that different from any cultures. There were a lot of bloody situations. I digress though. The Vikings were actually excellent farmers and once they settled in England, they calmed down. There are a ton of references to the Vikings in English history, so I’d love to pursue it.

I’ve had several long term relationships with me. Some of them were actually very fulfilling and non dysfunctional. I’ve written about my former marriage to a raging narcissist so I won’t go into that, the one that followed my ex husband, who turned out to be more of a narcissist than my ex husband.  Live and learn they say. It brings up the question of what would I want in a relationship?

We all dream of our white knight on a horse. There were times when I settled on someone who was breathing… All humour aside, I felt that any attention was attention at least. I allowed a lot of nonsense to go on in some of my relationships, in which I played a part. Nonetheless, I have this little dream about meeting a man at my age. So, what would he be like?

Above all, he would have a good head on his shoulders and he would able to realize what I’ve spent years learning - to take care of oneself first in order to allow someone into your life. Secondly, he would be happy to receive me the way that I am - my quirks, my injuries, my snoring and loud disco music sessions as I make dinner. Ultimately, I want a man who will not want to change me. I would honour him in the same way: accept him for who he is. I don’t think it is too much to want to find a man who loves to smile, loves to have fun and isn’t afraid to show his emotions. I do cry at certain times at the movies and on Netflix. I don’t often get the change for someone to see that though. So, if he cries at sad and moving movies, great. Maybe it’ll loosen me up enough to do the same. I’d like someone who wants to experiment with life and get out and do things that are just wishes - like skydiving or climbing Kilimanjaro. They don’t even have to be that grandiose. I’d be happy to get up at a karaoke and actually sing in front of people or learn to dance like no one is watching. Someone who has the desire to seek these things out would make me very happy. By the way, if he were to like to sit on the couch and watch science fiction or whatever would be nice too.

My good friend, Maddox, who has a podcast called “The Authentic Gay Man Podcast,” told me that if we believe that it is possible then one day it will happen. He says that if we emit high positive energy, we are more likely to meet people the same as me. So, I have worked on my energetic attraction and learned a lot about myself. I think that it has enabled me to see that there will be someone out there for me and that it could happen at anytime. Tell you what, if it does happen, I will write a blog entry about it. I think I will title it, “Door 1, Door 2, or Door 3? He’ll be behind Door 1! 

Carpe diem!

[subpar-ghoulfriend]

A Family Affair

Slasher AU CannibalFamily!EraserMicxReader

We’re going with the “strange family that lives outside of a small town” trope. After a few deliveries to the Aizawa household you get pulled in to an affair you never wanted to be a part of. 

Spooky season is upon us and I’ve already begun watching too many horror movies.  This fic will definitely be a two parter

Super Dark Content Warning!!! Literally do not read if you have any reservation and definitely no minors!

TW: cannibal themes, mentions of murder, mentions of corpse mutilation, kidnapping, unhealthy relationships

Part 2 is gonna include more of this and the smut

Growing up you were grateful for living in a small town. You didn't really relate to the coming-of-age stories told in the movies where the small town girl runs off to the big city for a whirlwind romance and a chance at some "big break." To you, small town life was more picturesque than any overcrowded city. You knew your neighbors, and watched a lot of their families grow and change throughout the years. A small town allows you to become a regular at several businesses, including the coffee shop and your favorite diner downtown. Going away to college was tough even though you didn't go far. The nearest city - a little over 40 miles away - had a great college with a program you were really interested in pursuing.

You went home every break and picked up delivery jobs at one of the local restaurants. It was winter break of your last year in college when you first delivered to the Aizawa residence. In all your years at the restaurant they never ordered delivery, one of the two men would always place an order for pick up. The thing about small town stereotypes is that small towns tend to self-impose said stereotypes. The Aizawa's were that family. The one that everyone whispered when they came to town and children would tell horror stories about during Halloween. They were the weird family that lived just past the outskirts of town.

You weren't entirely sure what either of the two men did. Everyone speculated that Mr. Aizawa was some sort of mountain-man-feral type and maybe did some mechanic work for the folks that tend to live in between towns. His husband, Mr. Yamada seemed like the stay at home trophy husband but you heard he did some sort of conspiracy podcast. They had children - reportedly, but no one has really met them - and other family members that live similarly further out into the middle of nowhere. The drive was absurdly long but they were loyal customers and the owners didn't want to turn their request down. Your boss handed you a chunk of bills to fill up your tank before heading out. That's no place you'd want to get stranded, he told you.

The paved road got worse the further you got from town. Forty-five minutes later you were pulling down the dirt road that led to the illuminated Aizawa home. A wall of cold air slammed in to you when you opened your car door and you grumbled about leaving your gloves at home. There was no doorbell, so knocked and did that awkward please-don't-let-me-freeze dance while you waited. Two unfamiliar faces opened the door, an apathetic looking teen and an adorable little girl. Must be their children. The older one called out for his dad before taking one of the bags you held and disappearing into the home. You looked down awkwardly and wave at the girl. She smiled shyly and reached out for the other bag.

"Are you sure?" You asked her, "It's a little heavy."

She nodded.

"Okay, but use two hands," You passed her the bag. "Oh jeez, you're strong. Don't tell your brother, but I think this is the heavier bag."

You smiled when she giggled and ran off.

Mr. Aizawa appeared in the door, "How much do we owe?"

He was just as terrifying up close and for a split second your mind went blank while your basic instincts were begging you go back to the car. He raised an eyebrow at you, looking irritated at your falter.

"Uh - forty-two."

He pulled counted out a chunk of bills and then you were off. You didn't even count the amount until you parked. Forty-two with a forty-dollar tip. They may be odd but apparently they're loaded. You didn't think much of it until the following week when you were heading back to their house with another delivery. You wished that they would order earlier but at least you could hope for another generous tip. You were taken aback when the little girl answered the door by herself, jumping up and down with excitement.

Was she old enough to answer the door by herself?

"Papa," She yelled. "The lady is here!"

She turned her attention back to you with a huge grin, "Shinsou got sore that you told me I'm the stronger one."

Before you could respond to her the other man, Mr. Yamada, bounced around the corner, "Eri, what have we told you about the door? Oh no, you must be freezing come stand inside while I go get your payment. Forty-two right?"

You wanted to protest, feeling uneasy in their entryway but the little girl tugged you by the delivery bags. So you stood there quietly while she ran back in forth so she could unload the delivery for you. Shinsou peered around the corner so you gave a small wave. Then it was just you and Eri once again. In the background you could hear Yamada asking his husband where the wallet went.

"I like your shirt," You smiled, trying to fill the silence.

"I wanted a Pegasus shirt but this was the only one my daddy could find."

"Well I think unicorns are pretty cool too."

You use to babysit for some of the families in town, no part of you could imagine doing that all the way out here.

The blonde rejoined you, giving you another lush payment. You heard the little girl whine about you leaving so quickly until her father appeased her by saying you'd be back.

Something about that rubbed you the wrong way; but you were back like clockwork the next week with their usual delivery. Once again you were brought inside while they went to get your payment. But on your fourth and what should have been your final delivery of the winter break you noticed something was off when you parked. Their truck was missing from its usual spot. Strange but they probably just moved it somewhere else on the property. You had become accustom Eri running to answer the door and telling you wait for her parents in the entrance of the house. You became suspicious after she had run back and forth to take the food to the kitchen.

"Eri, where are your parents? Or Shinsou?"

The little girl's response was nonchalant, "They had to go out, one of our cattle got out. But they gave me the money."

You stuffed the money into your jacket; payment was the issue here. In the back of your mind you though about how you never saw any cattle on your deliveries. A child her age shouldn’t be left alone.

"Oh, well, can I hang out with you while we wait for them to come back?"

The little girl lit up as she pulled you to the living room. There was a kid's movie playing on the TV and she had a coloring book out. Eri divide up her crayons and tore out a page for you to join her. You kept looking to the window, waiting for the truck to pull up.

Suddenly there was banging at the door, which elicited a cry from Eri. You reached into your pocket only finding the crumpled bills. Shit, your stomach dropped. You left your phone in your car. After all, this was just supposed to be a quick delivery. The noise stopped, only for a moment, before resuming.

"Eri, sweetie," You whispered to the stunned little girl. "Do your parents have a phone here?"

She shook her head.

A man’s voice tore through the door, "Let me in dammit, you have to let me in before they come back."

You held your finger to your lip, and Eri nodded, repeating the gesture. The living room light was on and you realized that if he came to the side of the house you'd be seen through the window, but turning out the light would draw attention. Maybe he was bluffing, maybe he didn't know if anyone was inside and turning off the light would signal your presence. You pointed to the kitchen, where the lights were off and the two of you tip toed to the safety of darkness.

"Eri, honey, can you go sit in the pantry for me and be really, really quiet? I'll be right out here and don't come out until I come to get you okay?"

She looked hesitant and tearful but you were surprised at her level of composure for a kid. Finally she complied. Once the pantry door was closed you began rummaging through the drawers, looking for something that could inflict the most damage. A meat tenderizer could work. The banging continued and you swore you hear wood beginning to splinter. Your grip tightened with every bang. Finally the door gave way and a man stumbled through the splintered wood. He stopped when he saw you holding the cleaver.

He was dirty, without shoes or a shirt and his skin was red from the cold.

You hoped your voice wouldn’t crack, "You need to leave-"

"Monsters, monsters," he blabbed. "They're gonna come back and we gotta go."

You decided to bluff, "Get out of here, I already called the cops."

"Good, good, good," He mumbled, “but we still gotta go. NOW."

There was one step forward from him, one step back from you.

"If you come near me, I'll make sure you don't get up," You warned. At the very least you had to keep him away from Eri. Even if that was all you could do.

There was a desperate look in his eyes; they darted from you to the keys hooked to your jeans, then back to the keys. Finally he smiled, "You have a car, man that's perfect. Listen I won't hurt you but we need to get in your damn car, now."

Sounds like something someone who wants to hurt me would say, you thought. Apparently you took too long to respond, the man lunged toward you and you tried to swing the meat tenderizer. The tool connected with his shoulder and he howled out in pain but still managed to wrestle you to the ground. The two of you struggled with each other and the man was yelling that you'd die if you didn't listen to him. You landed a weak hit to his jaw, splitting his lip. You even tried biting at him but he was persistent and struggling to get your keys. You were telling him he could have them that he just needed to let you go but he wasn't listening to you. Managing to grab his ear you had a flashback to the self-defense seminar you had to take in college, it should be easy to rip a human ear. So you pulled. Blood began to flow from the wound down his face and on to you. He got you off him before you got the whole ear by delivering a blow to your stomach. The air rushed from your body, is this what it means to get the wind knocked out of you?

There was a loud noise and fog lights flooded through the broken door. Then saw Shinsou and Aizawa pulling the man off you. You pushed yourself and back, clutching at your stomach. Your cheeks were wet. Were you crying or was that blood on your face? Probably both.

The trio wrangled the man outside where you heard more struggling, fighting, and groaning.

Eri.  You managed your way to the kitchen but realized you were covered in blood. Not wanting to traumatize the little girl any further you spoke through the door.

"Eri, can you stay there a little bit longer?"

"Can't I come out? I heard my daddies," She cried, tugging at your heartstrings.

"Not yet, okay? They're here and everything's okay, I'm gonna have them come get you okay?"

Thankfully, the door didn't open. As you shuffled toward the front door Mr. Yamada entered, wiping specks of blood off him.

You were shocked when he pulled you into a hug, "You're okay. Sho and Shinsou got everything under control. Where is Eri?"

You told him about her hiding spot and he sighed in relief and rushed to her.

The other two returned with bloodied knuckles that made your stomach churn.

"Yamada," The mountain man called, with his eyes scanning the home.

"Don't worry, Sho, I got Eri. She's fine. Our delivery girl is okay, she's got some bumps and bruises but she made the other guy look worse."

Aizawa ushered you to the couch, expecting your legs to give out at any moment.

"We need to call the police," You finally spoke.

Aizawa assured you he did. They were 45 minutes out but they'd work on getting here faster. Yamada brewed you a cup of tea, “for while we wait.” They finally calmed Eri down and Shinsou took her upstairs to get ready for bed. It felt weird for them to return to mundane evening routines so quickly after all that chaos, but maybe you were just the odd one out. Close to an hour later you were still waiting for the police to show up. Your tea was finished long ago and your nerves had calmed. You were even having trouble keeping your eyes open.

"You think they're almost here, babe" The blonde wondered, draping a throw blanket around your shoulders. "I'm sure she wants to this day to be over with."

---

It was still dark when you woke up. The blonde was fast asleep on the recliner next to you. The police must have come by now but there was no way you slept through the visit. Anxiety from earlier made it’s way back in to your chest. The clock read 4am; had they even called the police. All of the childhood rumors you heard came flooding back and you exited the house as quietly as you could, not realizing your keys were no longer with you.

When you made it outside you noticed dried blood on the ground, trailing toward what you assumed was their barn or storage shed. You were entranced. Looking back to the house, no one was awake; there was no movement, no light, just quiet. You shouldn’t follow the bloody trail, you shouldn't go near the shed; but your body moved on it's own accord and before you realized it you were at the doors. You gave a tug, expecting it to be locked, but the door swung open and inside you noticed the lock lay on the ground.

You should have turned around, got in your car, and drove away. Instead you stepped inside and found the bloody, broken body of the man who attacked you. There was a slight sway to the corpse that was hanging from a reinforced pillar. Nearly screaming your hand shot to cover your mouth.

You should've left.

You should've left.

You should've left.

Aizawa was watching you from the kitchen, cursing Hizashi for leaving the shed unlocked. His hand hovered over the secured cabinet drawer that stored a pistol. He wouldn't shoot you only scare you a bit. But you weren't running out in a panic. He didn't even hear you scream. Interesting. He went to join you, moving like any predator concealing it presence and leaving the gun safe untouched.

You should've left.

You should've left.

You finally came to your sense and whirled around only to run into your late night admirer. A terrified squeak escaped you as you jumped further into the confined space.

"Mr Aizawa! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have - I'm sorry."

He didn't look angry, although you wished he did. It would be better than the unsettling smile on his face.

"That's alright, I was heading out here anyway," He closed the door behind him and flicked on a dim light that lit up the room with shadows. "Can't leave it hanging for too long."

Your throat tightened, he stood between you and the only exit. If he noticed your terror there was no indication that he cared. He turned his back to you momentarily, rummaging through the clutter on the workbench. Now was the best chance you may get and you made a dash for the door. It was a futile attempt and part of you knew it but your nerves were ablaze with adrenaline and you were running on instinct not reason. There was a foreign tightness around your throat that kept you fighting to inhale. Struggling to breathe you didn’t even register the sharp pinch of a needle piercing your deltoid.

Aizawa pressed his nose to your hair, "Behave. Even if you get out of here, your tire has a flat, pesky nails tend to find their way on to the roads out here. A real shame."

He dragged you over to a chair across from the lifeless body cuffing both your wrists to the armrests. Stupid, stupid, he was grabbing out cuffs and I ran straight into him, you scolded yourself. You went to open your mouth and beg to be let go, but you were silenced.

"Keep it down or I'll have to find a way to keep you quiet."

Your heart was beating so hard it hurt. Once a friend said it was possible to die by fright, if that was true you wouldn't last much longer. Now that you were safely out of the way, Aizawa could make quick work dismembering the carcass. He donned his usual rubber apron and pulled back his hair. With his experience he could finish the job in less than two hours. Now was as good a time as ever for you to learn.

With a sigh he began his explanation and craft:

"Cannibalism has been around as long as we've existed: sacrificially, ceremonially, culturally, especially during times of plague, war, and famine. You can find documented accounts from pretty much every part of the world. And there's no one reason. Our family keeps it simple. We eat meat, animals are meat, and humans are animals. In times of famine and other hardships, this was a reliable food source. Of course now, there's not much of a risk for severe famine to effect people like us but it's tradition. This is how it's been for our family for years. And not just those of us around these parts but our relatives everywhere. It's important to keep old trades alive."

He paused, now splattered with blood, to take note of your dry heaving.

"Please," You gasped. "I just want to go -"

With narrowed eyes he continued:

"It's important for you to listen to our family history. Typically we don't reap a harvest until three weeks after the winter solstice and 3 weeks before the summer solstice. Twice a year is enough to get us by. Zashi and I are impressed that you managed to wrangle him in. Poetic in a way, don’t ’cha think? Consuming the flesh of someone who tried to overpower you. First reap of the harvest. Nice that it's a family affair."  

The room was spinning and you were fighting the sedative as hard as you could. There was no way any of this was real, maybe you were dreaming? Maybe you'd been knocked unconscious when that man rushed you. Or better yet, maybe you were asleep at home still. It was possible that this whole delivery fiasco was just a nightmare. Your stomach churned at the speech. There was sun peaking through the cracks in the wall by the time he finished separating the ... different sections. There was no more body, just pieces. You nodded off for a few minutes before being jolted awake by the door opening and letting in the bright morning light .

"Good morning, you two night owls," Hizashi beamed. Walking to his husband handing over a tall mug of coffee. He was completely unfazed by the scene he walked in on. In fact the only frown he made was when Aizawa said he put too much sweetener in the coffee.  "Anyways, grumpy pants, I called your sister. She's on her way to pick up Eri and Shinsou for a few days. To give us some time to focus on our little muse. Speaking of, I should go get her some water. Oh, plus we need to fix our door."

---

After you refused to drink anything they tried to give you they left you alone in the shed. The handcuffs were too tight for you to slip through and in your struggle you managed to topple the chair over, hitting the floor with painful slap. It was hard to ignore the buzzing of the flies swarming the space where the body once hung. You closed your eyes, your mind wandering to your family and what they would think when they realized you were missing.

Outside you heard a car pull up and were tempted to scream for someone to help you. Maybe it was the police; maybe someone realized you didn't go home last night and found out where your last delivery was. Your captors came out to greet whoever it was and you were glad you didn't yell, they sounded friendly. They were coming toward the shed but you were too defeated to react.

"Sho," Hizashi gasped, "She fell."

The response was sharp and sarcastic, "I hadn't noticed." He yanked you up with ease and the world was no longer side ways but the jolt paired with the exhaustion and drugs left the world spinning.

The woman must've been the sister they mentioned earlier. She squealed with delight, "Oh isn't she the cutest, lemme get a good look."

She resembled neither of the men and gave off cool-soccer-mom vibes. With a gentle grip on your chin she bore into your eyes.

"Please,” You begged, “I just want go home."

The sister didn't waiver, "Don't worry sweet thing, these two are gonna take such good care of you. Just relax and let them help you."

Help? You don't need help from them. You needed to get out of this hell.

"Okay," She bounced toward the exit, "Bring out my niece and nephew, we're gonna have a fun weekend. And take care of your girl, she looks like a keeper."

Finally you screamed in frustration. Brief, loud, and full of anger but it deflated just as quickly when the two men shot you a menacing look. How could all three of them show no display of empathy? You were again convinced this was an alternate reality when both children peaked their heads in to wave goodbye before they peeled away from the home, leaving you alone with Hizashi and Aizawa.

---

There was a hatch toward the back of the room where the two disappeared until they came back with a third body. They were dragging a woman up like a ragdoll and acidic bile burned your throat. If you had to guess you would say she was late middle age. It felt like they were setting a stage, Hizashi pulled you closer to where they stood while Aizawa managed to tie the woman down to the stained table.

"Why are you doing this," you cried. But they ignored you.

"Did you know there are people who pay for certain oddities and they’re willing to spend big bucks to get what they want? We keep whatever makes sense to eat and sell the rest. Ideally nothing goes to waste.”

The next hour and forty-seven minutes were excruciating. There were several “items” – as they referred to her body parts – that they removed while she was still alive; but finally Aizawa made the perfect incision along her thigh and a pomegranate wave gushed out. There was no way she would suffer much longer with this amount of blood loss.

"Please just let her die," You begged the universe. "Please let it end."

For the first time since starting they stepped back from the body, leaving it on the table to come over to you. Aizawa knelt before you and his bloody hand brushed hair from your face; his thumb rested on your lip and you couldn't even physically respond. Hizashi was behind him, rubbing his partner's shoulders.

"You're going to kill me?”  

Both men finally softened, coming down their endorphin high. There was something so satisfying about your question. Arousing, even. They made it clear that your life was up to them, which meant they had you where they needed you.

"Am I having a blonde moment? I don't recall saying we'd kill her."

Aizawa threw an incredulous look his way before addressing you, "We aren't going to kill you. We wouldn't've saved you from that terrible animal if that were the plan. We don't kill just anyone. We wanted to introduce you to our lifestyle and now’s the best chance. Eri’s wanted to keep you since day one, but if you can't behave that'll be an issue. Can you prove to us that you’re going to behave or do we have to get you down into the cellar?”

There was no other choice than to nod. Picking up a piece of the dissected woman Hizashi muttered something about starting dinner before telling his husband that you really need to get more rest. Aizawa agreed, and since it seemed like you were having trouble getting rest he decided to give you another little dose of medicine.

[phoenixyfriend]

hey i read through your Anakin and Jedi babies au, and got to the part about Shmi eventually having a kid and Ani being supportive and listen man i just have emotions bc i realized that her daughter would be the first freeborn child in the Skywalker family. like god knows how many generations of slavery on Tatooine, and this tiny baby is the first one born free. of course, while everyone knows this is a big deal, i feel like Anakin and Shmi are the only ones who truly Know how much of a big deal this is. tiny new baby skywalker draped in japor charms and whispered desert blessings

Context: Anakin and the Jedi Babies, chrono, how Shmi ended up on Mandalore, the post about Jango/Shmi.

YEP.

I’m thinking her name is something like Amika or Amyas? I’ve come to the conclusion that she is the result of Shmi and Jango getting into a relationship, but not actually planned. Anakin absolutely offers to fight Jango for Shmi, and she scolds him for it despite being a solid ten years younger than him.

Jango and Shmi do get married, after a bit more fumbling to make sure this is what they really want.

I imagine that the disaster lineage moves back to the Temple a year or so after that, when Ben is eleven or twelve. The Force just said it was a good time, and Mandalore seemed to be in good shape, etc. There’s a lot of sidelong glances and questioning looks because Soka and Ben still insistently refer to Anakin as buir (or Skyguy, on Soka’s part), and there’s a variety of conspiracy theories, and Ben acts Very Grown Up for a child his age, etc. They actually tell the council the full truth and cause a number of headaches. Mace isn’t amused. There’s rumors everywhere about Obi-Wan and Ben being related but nobody has the guts to ask after the first Scary Skywalker Smile.

What’s really relevant, though, is what that move does to relations between Mandalore, the Jedi, and the Republic.

"Okay, so if the Jedi Order does any negotiation with Mandalore, it has to be through Skywalker." "Why?" "The Mand'alor is his brother-in-law and they met when Fett was fifteen; I've seen Skywalker give this man a noogie and suffer zero consequences for it."

Like, please understand: Jango becomes Mand’alor in his late-twenties even while Jaster is alive, a few years after the Shmi thing, just because he’s Very Good At It. But also, he’s Anakin’s brother-in-law. Anakin, who knows that Shmi can take care of herself but is very protective anyway, and made a hobby of kicking Jango’s ass when he was younger, and has always had Weird Vibes around Jango, and at least once made veiled comments about how he didn’t trust Jango’s ability to be a father.

Jango, of course, doesn’t know that this is because Anakin judges him on the fact that he had three million clone sons that he didn’t give a shit about in a future that won’t happen.

So Jango is actually very concerned with maintaining Anakin’s good favor, something that he feasibly had for a few years but is struggling to hold onto after getting with Shmi and having a kid.

If it were almost anyone else, Anakin probably would have been very “she can make her own choices” about Shmi, but it’s Jango Fett and Anakin has concerns.

A few years later, let’s say Ben is fifteen, the Temple gets notified that the king of Mandalore is coming. The Mand’alor is going to be here, and hasn’t told anyone why. He’s bringing his spouse and several other people, but not a full guard or anything for a formal visit with the Republic.

The ship lands. The Mand’alor exits in full armor. There’s a woman next to him, a small brunette with a toddler in her arms, not wearing much armor, but she has enough to make it clear that she is Mandalorian. Vambraces, greaves, a gorget,  and there’s a sigil on it somewhere declaring her the the spouse of the Mand’alor.

The Jedi Council is mostly polite. Mostly hesitant. Confused. Diplomatic. Dooku is there, and asks, “Did anyone inform Master Skywalker of our visitors?”

“He recently returned from a mission and is likely asleep,” someone tells him.

The Queen of Mandalore sighs. “Oh dear.”

This is when a recently-woken Anakin Skywalker, age thirty-seven but looking like he stalled out on aging in his late twenties, strides out into the hangar and yells, “Shmi!”

The queen gives her toddler to her husband and sprints to Master Skywalker, throwing herself into his arms and letting him spin her around with a laugh. “Ori’vod!”

Dooku’s smile could be, at a stretch, described as ‘shit-eating.’ He turns to the councilors. “You didn’t forget that Skywalker has a sister, did you?”

They didn’t, but they clearly hadn’t expected it to matter.

“Let me see my niece,” Skywalker says, with a grin out of a holo film. “Fett, gimme.”

“Hi, hello, it’s good to see you’re alive too,” the Mand’alor grumbles. “Oh, I’m doing well, and--”

“Yeah, yeah, su cuy'gar and all, let me see my niece.”

The Mand’alor, one of the most influentially dangerous men in the galaxy, sighs and hands over the toddler to Master Skywalker, who immediately starts cooing over the little girl and otherwise making it clear just why he ends up in the creche so often.

“Master Skywalker,” Dooku calls over, as the only person to have encountered the Mando contingent often enough to get away with saying something right now. “You knew they were coming?”

“Nope! Felt ‘em arrive,” Skywalker cheerily replies. “Did someone tell my kids? Somebody tell my kids, they’ll want to see Shmi.”

“Has Ben gotten any taller?” the woman stage-whispers, and Skywalker grins at her.

“Not as much as he’d hoped.”

The Skywalker teenagers in question come sprinting out with less decorum than even their father had. Ben at least tries to slow down and greet the contingent politely, but Soka just barrels into Shmi like there’s nothing in the galaxy that could stop her. There’s laughter and hugs, and Skywalker hands the toddler off to his daughter and steps back to watch his family interact.

(They get justification for the visit eventually: the child is terrifyingly force-sensitive, and the queen has only just managed to convince Fett to let them take her to the Temple. The Council knows just how tenuous their guardianship here is, in that they’re sure this child would have been kept away from them if not for Skywalker’s presence here. Mandalore’s warriors and Tatooine’s slaves hold family to be of utmost importance. Skywalker is the only reason this is happening.)

“You know, I was getting respect from your High Council before you showed up,” Fett grouses, now without his helmet. “I’m the Mand’alor, the first in centuries to step foot here without war in mind. This moment should be historic. People should respect and fear my presence.”

Skywalker looks at him, pitying.

"Fett, I don't care that you're Mand'alor. I've known you since you were fifteen, and you're married to my little sister. You know you don't scare me."

“Anakin--”

“Also you’re short.”

“Oh, get kriffed, you asshole.”

[shinyeeveelynn]

Hello, everyone! It's that time again to welcome in another new year.

Boy, has it been.. a lot, lmao. I know for so many of us, it's been a very volatile year. It certainly was for me.

Y'know, I'm not gonna lie. I've been going through and am still going through a lot in my personal life. Big changes, mourning the deaths of loved ones I've lost to the pandemic, struggling with work, my chronic illnesses, my mental illness- I mean I could go on but what's the fun in that, yeah?

Somewhere along the line, I came back to tumblr looking for a place here in this community. Running @loveforficts so long ago was fun, and I wanted to recapture that- but at the same time, I wanted to finally be personal instead of just hiding behind an “admin” shadow amongst you all. I wanted- no, I needed to come in and y’know, be a part of it rather than just cheer everyone else on. I was just so scared of rejection, for several reasons, that I never tried before now, and coming in, I didn’t expect anyone to actually care or want to be my friend or take an interest in me at all. 

But so many of you did. You welcomed me in with open arms and have been nothing but kind to me and I can never thank you enough. Some of you have truly changed my life and given me something I never thought I would ever have. There was a point in my life where I thought I was broken for loving these fictional characters, I never thought I would one day be sitting around voice call or text chats goofing off gossiping about my boys the way anyone else would with any other relationship and laughing and having a good time hearing everyone else do the same. I never thought anyone would understand what I now know to be my maladaptive daydreaming, I never thought anyone would say “I want to meet your f/o, we should watch ____ together!” to me ever. I was just saying last night that it’s still weird to me to hear that and know it’s genuine and not being said to me out of courtesy. I was so used to being that person for other people, (and I enjoy it, by the way!) but I’ve just been so conditioned to feel like my feelings are not relevant over the years in most aspects of my life, that I can’t wrap my brain around how wonderful you’ve been to me. I’ve shared with you all possibly the most hidden part of myself, and I was met with nothing but kindness.

Because of you, despite the whirlwind I’m caught in, I can say I am dealing a lot better than I thought I ever could. Shit is tough, and I’m scared as hell of what’s to come- I don’t typically do well with New Year lol I usually hate it, because often it’s just a reminder of the shit I’ve been through and how I often feel I haven’t really overcome it, but I can say that with the support system and friendships I’ve built in this community over the last few months, you’ve all made me stronger. I hope this is only the first of many holidays we get to spend together. Now for personal thank yous, first and foremost @enter-the-phantom because at the end of the day if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t know the community the way I do now. I’ve enjoyed so much getting to know you after so long of just being a silent follower and I hope to continue growing and cultivating our friendship. You’re a literal lifesaver.

And oh my dear @wisemins I bully you so much but it’s all straight from the heart, lmao. You just like Abby have come to mean so much to me so quick, I could honestly cry just thinking about it. I can really only describe our meeting as fated, it’s far too perfect to not have been. I’ve never trusted anyone anywhere near my canon until you came along and now we’re quite literally family, it’s insane.

And of couuuurse @cant-decide-on-a-user THE PUREST AND NICEST OF BEAANS. I appreciate you so much, and I’ve had so much fun with you and I can’t wait to spend more time sharing laughs and yelling at you for calling my husbands SHARKS. HECKA RUDE BTW.

@softnice, @ramblyships, @scientistservant, @papermoonie, my loves, I am running out of words because I am sadly not very good at this, lmao but this entire post is dedicated to you all as well.

If I’ve missed anyone, I’m so sorry! I’m on 2 hours of sleep, but know that this goes out to you as well. In all sincerity, I love you and I wish you a very Happy New Year!

[spnfanficpond]

Pond Diving - thoughtslikeamindfield

Welcome to today’s Pond Diving Spotlight! We hope that you enjoy this little insight to our members and perhaps even find some useful tips for your own writing. Happy reading!

Want to volunteer, send us an ask! We’re looking forward to learning more about all of you! Not sure what PD is, you can learn more here.

“Don’t Be Koi About It” - All About You

Name: MJ

Age: 49

Location: Aspen, Colorado, USA

URL: @thoughtslikeaminefield

Why did you choose your URL: I’m a diehard Foo Fighters fan. When I came back to Tumblr after a 4yr hiatus, Foo’s album Concrete and Gold had just come out, and the first single was “The Sky Is A Neighborhood” with the verse:

Thoughts like a minefield I'm a ticking bomb Maybe you should watch your step Don't get lost

What inspired you to become a writer: I love telling stories, both verbally and written. What’s kept me motivated is connecting with people through shared experiences, making people laugh, and making life-long friends as a result of those connections.

How long have you been writing: I’ve been writing since I was 8- or 9-years-old!

What do you do when you are not writing i.e. Job/Hobbies etc? I sell mortgages for a living, laugh and enjoy life with my husband, hike with my dogs, talk smack with my friends and family. I recently hosted a group of fandom friends here in the Rocky Mountains in a big house, where we did all of the above at one point or another, and it was such a joy.

How long have you been in the SPN Fandom? It feels like I’ve been here forever. I was reading Dean/Faith Lehane fic back in 2008 and I’ve been laughing at memes on Tumblr since as long as I’ve been on Tumblr (this is my fourth blog), but I didn’t start actively watching the show until 2015 (-ish?). I truly joined SPN fandom when I started writing SPN fic in the spring of 2018, so a little over 3yrs.

Are you in any other fandoms and do you write for them? Yes! I was active in The X-Files fandom for years via forums, chat rooms, and geocites (it was the 90s and early aughts, after all lol), but never wrote for it; Buffy and Angel in the same manner as well as LiveJournal and wrote a little; I was active in Twilight fandom for a few years and wrote fic there, once sitting on a Twific panel at SDCC; I’ve been peripherally active in several of Norman Reedus’ fandoms and written for him and his roles; and currently, I’m active in SPN, The Boys, anything Jensen does, Ted Lasso (I have fic ideas), MCU and other Marvel media, Star Wars and all things associated (especially Din Djarin’s tiny green bebe Grogu), Lucifer, anything Keanu Reeves does, and super fucking excited for my boy Pattinson in The Batman.

Do you do any writing outside of fanfiction? If so, tell us about it? I am working on a sort of fictionalized memoir based on my family and my relationships throughout my life. My sister and I have a lot of stories to tell, so we’ve been piecing together a concept for the past couple of years!

Favorite published author: Carrie Fisher

Have you ever read a book that made an impact on your life? Which one and why?: Several. I will say, however, that neither Postcards from the Edge nor Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher ever leave my bedside.

Carrie had such a gift with words and expression. She struggled with mental illness, loss, and addiction; she was a soul sister.

Favorite genre of fanfic (smut, angst, fluff, crack, rpf, etc): I’ll read just about any genre, but I seem to gravitate toward explicit content, both to read and write.

Favorite piece of your own writing: This is Sophie’s Choice, so I’ll just go with something easy, fun, and sexy -- Plus One (for which I am currently working on a sequel!)

Most underrated fic you have written: Cactus - Dean Winchester x Meg Masters x Castiel

Idk if it’s underrated, but I don’t think a lot of people have seen it, and I don’t write Destiel very often!

Story of yours that you’d most like to see turned into a movie/tv show:

Run Me Like A River - AU Dean Winchester x AU Jessica Jones

Summary: AU wherein Jessica Jones is super-powered by gov’t experiments to create elite soldiers, the Winchesters are military officers in humanity’s War Against Evil, and they have all gone AWOL from their assigned roles. Dean and Jess embark in a relationship that ends abruptly and explosively until Dean calls her for help on a very personal case.

Warnings: explicit, this is not your mother’s dean winchester, major character death, unhealthy relationship dynamics, bondage, rough-sex, biting, bruising, blood, anal sex, ptsd

Favorite Tumblr Writer(s): @inkiestdawn @itmighthavebeenintentional @lastactiontricia @littlegreenplasticsoldier @mrswhozeewhatsis @rockhoochie @stusbunker @there-must-be-a-lock @wayward-and-worn

Favorite Fic from another writer: Heard, Seen, Believed by @stusbunker -- yes, I beta’d this fic, but I beta’d it because it was amazing. This is easily one of my Top 5 Favorite SPN fics ever. It’s sooooo sexy and relatable and UGH.

Favorite character to write: Dean Winchester

Favorite Pairing to write: I have a very soft spot for Megstiel.

Least favorite character to write (and why): I don’t write anyone I don’t thoroughly enjoy writing!

Do you have anyone you consider a mentor? Hmm, Idk about mentor, but I probably wouldn’t be writing fic and I certainly wouldn’t be sharing it without having @icemankazansky @mskathywriteswords and @cracksinthewalls in my life who have each supported and encouraged me through the years in ways that have been absolutely essential to my confidence and competence.

Do you have any aspirations involving your writing? Some day, I want to be able to tell My Story, if I can ever figure out what that is. lolllll

How many work-in-progress stories do you have: Oh, lord, a dozen? Maybe more.

What are you currently working on? The final installment for a 3-part FWB to lovers Dean x female reader AU, some Soldier Boy fuckery, and I’m trying to work up the gumption to get back to my Sam x female reader AU series. I also have a ton of AWESOME prompts from tumblr friends and from Bingos and Challenges that are just waiting for me to not be such a disaster.

“Pond Diving” - All About The Writing

What/who has had the biggest influence on your writing? Style-wise -- songwriters like Jim Morrison, Stevie Nicks, Sarah McLachlan, Dave Grohl, Trent Reznor, and Josh Homme; content-wise -- the feelings and experiences of my life like love, loss, heartbreak, lust, and trauma.

Best writing advice you've been given: Just get the words down; you can edit it later!

Biggest obstacle you’ve faced in your writing: When I jump the gun and think I know where I’m headed but then hit a roadblock and have gotten too far ahead to figure out how to back up!

What aspects of writing do you find difficult when you write fanfiction? Series. I have shit patience so I post too soon sometimes and the next thing I know I’ve hit a wall and the damn thing is stalled.

Is there anything you want to write but are afraid to (and why)? There are things I want to write but haven’t figured out yet, but I’m not really afraid of writing anything.

What inspires/motivates you to write? Human connection, reader feedback, my friends.

How do you deal with self doubt? Go back and re-read things I’ve written that I remember loving and the feedback from readers that touched my heart. I talk to my friends, too.

How do you deal with writer's block? Walk it off, make graphics, ask for insight, read something fresh and different.

Do you plan/outline your story before you start? I try to and I want to get better at this, especially for series’, but I don’t do it enough!

Do you have any weird writing habits? Idk how weird it is per se, but my usual habits include making playlists and graphics and talking out my ass about anything and everything related to the concepts or themes. I’m all about the vibes and aesthetics.

Have you ever received hateful comments on your fic and how do you deal with it? Not really. I had a woman several years ago harass me for being “irresponsible” with the main characters because they had sex without contraception and it was a one-weekend stand, but I just listened to and talked it out with her.

Conversely: what’s been some of your favorite feedback on your fanfic? Most recently I received an incredibly in depth and thoughtful observation on one of my darker and more personal fics that was so spot on that it made me cry. But I can’t not mention my long-time beta here since she is my beta because of her consistently detailed and thoughtful feedback for more than 10 years. She’s been with me ever since.

If you could give one piece of advice to a new and/or struggling writer, what would it be? Surround yourself with people you trust and respect and who feel the same about you so that you are able to be vulnerable, try new things and fail, and grow.

[frenchbreads-writing]

Enji’s Gratitiude {Endeavor | Enji Todoroki}

Anonymous: Hi, I was wondering if you'd be fine with doing an Endeavor x Male Reader where the reader is already engaged to Enji, but not many people know? Shouto is cool with him and greets him when he comes to be a guest teacher/sub for Class 1-A. I'm bad at explaining lol.

Hi everyone! I’m so sorry that it’s been over an entire MONTH since I last posted. I’ve been struggling finding motivation to write and with my classes starting online I have less free time which sucks ass.

So here’s one of my requests I feel like I deviated from the original idea?? Idk but anyways

I hope you enjoy!

Pairing: Endeavor x Male reader

Words: 2.1k (2,112 )

Warning(s): None

Requests: 3/5 slots

(Y/H/N)= Your hero name

Masterlist

Rules

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever since the incident at Camino, it was normal to see a different teacher during All Mights Foundational Hero Studies class. But the class never had the same substitute twice.

Mostly because the teachers were active pro heroes that had to do their jobs.

You were one of these substitutes today.

You were walking down the hallway to the teachers’ lounge after kissing Enji goodbye at the gate said man has been working late for a while now it was.. concerning, to say the least.

You were thinking of ways to help Enji when you spotted Shouto walking to class.

You rushed over to him and slung your arm around his shoulder.

“Hey, kiddo!”

He stiffened before relaxing when he realized it was you.

“Hello, (Y/N) good morning.”

You rolled your eyes ‘Always so serious’

“How’s life been treating you lately?”

You hugged him closer to you as you pulled him along the hallway.

“I’ve needed help with homework lately and my b-friend Midoriya has been helping me.”

A splash of pink appeared on his cheeks.

“So I guess other than that it’s been fine. How about you?”

You noticed his slip up but didn’t comment on it. He’ll tell you about it when he’s ready.

“It’s been fine but your father has been hounding me about being ‘more professional’ in his agency.”

“I don’t want to act all buddy-buddy with some stuck up interns.”

You sighed.

“But I guess it’s still kind of my job.”

You saw the teachers’ lounge coming up ahead so you pulled away from Shouto.

“This is my stop you should get going to class.”

Shouto nodded as he waved goodbye.

Walking through the door you were immediately wrapped up in cloth.

“You’re late.”

You looked up to meet a pair of tired eyes staring back at you.

“Sorry about that Shouta, I got held up on the way here.”

He sighed as he unraveled the cloth and handed you a folder.

“Here’s your lesson plan and I also assume you memorized the student roster?”

You nodded and grabbed the folder but couldn’t take it from his grasp.

“Dude I can’t study the lesson if you don’t give it to me.”

“I forgot to mention something.”

You looked at him expectantly.

“The bell rings in 5 minutes.”

You paused processing what he said.

“W-what?!”

“If you run you could probably make it in time.”

you cursed and immediately bolted out of the room.

Present Mic leaned over to Aizawa.

“Wait, class doesn’t start for another 20 minutes.”

A grin spread on Aizawa’s face.

“I know.”

You had just made it to the door when you felt your phone vibrate. Pulling it out revealed that you received a message from Enji telling you to pick up some stuff from the market before heading home. But what caught your eye was the time.

15 minutes left until the bell.

You groaned and bumped your head on the door. You had to meet the students anyway and you were already there so you might as well do it now.

Stepping into the room all of the talking ceased and the students’ eyes were on you.

“Hello, I’m (Y/H/N) I’m going to be your Foundational Hero Studies substitute for this week. If any of you have any questions for me don’t hesitate to ask I won’t bite… Much.”

Several students shouted their questions at once.

“Woah! Calm down you guys one at a time please!”

But it seemed that your plea fell on deaf ears.

Iida jumped from his seat to the front of the class arms up frantically chopping the air.

“Everyone settle down the teacher is trying to gain your attention!”

That did the trick now they’re back to looking at you.

“Thank you, Iida.”

He nodded and went back to his seat.

“Now you can ask me a few questions but please raise your hands first and I’ll choose one of you.”

The class was quiet for a moment before several hands were raised.

You pointed towards the blonde with a black lightning bolt printed in his hair.

“Where are you from?”

“Tokyo, it’s really nice there.”

A girl with pink skin and horns jumped up.

“What do you like to do for a hobby?”

“I like to cook, spicy pork dumplings are my favorite.”

Shouto raised his hand, what could he possibly want to know?

You pointed to him.

“Can you make cold soba for dinner tonight?”

You hummed.

“You got it, oh and also, your dad asked me to pick up some stuff from the store on the way home do you want to come?”

He nodded.

The rest of the class was in confused silence.

“Wait, are you.. dating his dad?!”

Kaminari yelled.

“No actually, he’s my husband.”

The class erupted into shouting.

“How long have you and Todoroki’s dad been married!?”

You thought for a moment.

“Our 1 year anniversary was about a month ago.”

Everyone looked at Shouto and he nodded.

And once again the class began shouting.

You sighed, this was going to be a long week.

You groaned as you pushed the front door to your home closed it with your foot, slipping off your shoes at the door and walking into the kitchen placing the groceries on the counter.

You went into your room and slipped off your hero suit replacing it with comfortable baggy clothes.

Shouto had changed his mind about going shopping to stay after school with Midoriya so you had gone shopping alone. He promised to be there by the time dinner was ready and nighttime patrol was more troublesome than usual.

“I can handle dinner.”

Hearing Fuyumi’s voice caused you to turn and face her.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded

“Dad’s in his office.”

You thanked her and walked past her.

Knocking on the office door you waited until you heard a gruff “Come in.” Before quietly sliding the door open.

You were met with Enji slumped over his desk writing away on what must be reports from his hero agency.

You simply watched him from the doorway before walking up behind him and wrapping your arms gently around his neck placing a soft kiss on the base of his skull.

He stopped his writing to sigh and lean into your touch.

Enji pulled away to spin his chair around.

Now that you were able to see his face he had dark circles beginning to form underneath his eyes. He had always worked hard but now that All Might has officially retired and he is now the number 1 hero he’s been pushing himself even harder so he can fill the space All Might left.

You placed a hand on his cheek, caressing the scar that marked the left side of his face. He leaned into your hand placing his hands your waist gently pulling you onto his lap.

Leaning forward you pressed soft kisses on his scar slowly moving lower kissing the corner of his mouth before pressing a deep gentle kiss on his lips.

Enji sighed through his nose as he pulled you closer.

You pulled away from the kiss and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“You should take a break, Fuyumi and I will make dinner and Shouto will be here in a while.”

You were about to stand up when he pulled you closer burying his face into your chest breaths uneven and hands shaky.

“Just, a few more moments.. please?”

You didn’t answer, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and holding him tight.

He may have been a brave, strong hero. But even he needed comfort.

You hugged him until his breathing came out slow and even and his hold around your waist loosened.

“Thank you, (Y/N)”

He looked up at you and you met his gaze.

You smiled and patted his cheek.

“I’m always here if you need me, now.”

You pulled away from him.

“I need to help Fuyumi with dinner. Go rest I’ll come get you when we’re done.”

Enji watched your form retreated through the door and sighed.

He stood up and made his way to yours and his shared room and laid down sinking into the soft mattress.

His gaze drifted to a framed picture resting on the nightstand.

You had smirked with your middle finger up while Enji simply glared at the camera.

That was the first real picture you had taken together that wasn’t an awkward angled photo taken by the paparazzi.

‘I don’t deserve him.’

He thought to himself.

He closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift off to sleep.

You had just finished dinner when you decided to check on Enji.

He was out like a light on the bed.

You smiled and sat next to him on the edge of the bed.

You ran your fingers through his hair massaging as you went.

You wished he didn’t push himself so hard but he was a stubborn man but then again you were just as stubborn when you’re passionate about something you care about.

And right now, you just want to help Enji as much as you could.

You stared as his features before gently shaking him awake.

He groaned and peeled his eyes open.

“Dinner’s ready, Shouto and Fuyumi are waiting for us at the table.”

He nodded and moved to stand up.

The two of you made your way to the dining table Where Shouto and Fuyumi were quietly chatting and sat down.

You immediately joined them in conversation while Enji quietly began eating.

Having dinner alone with his children always lead to silence and a tense atmosphere but with you there, you bridged the gap between them allowing them to connect. Even just a little.

No one mentioned it but they were all grateful.

You were the reason their relationship has been improving slowly but surely.

The only one who has been reluctant to repair the relationship had been Natsuo.

But you made it clear that he didn’t have to forgive his father if he didn’t want to. You merely encouraged him to be civil and recognize the change Enji had gone through.

And when he inevitably started crying from frustration and anger. You held him even when he began sobbing out loud saying how much he hated him.

You simply told him that’s fine and it’s his choice to do what he wanted.

Since then you and Natsuo talked over the phone sometimes and when he visits he sits near you or his siblings.

It seemed that you were a missing piece in the Todoroki family.

Dinner went smoothly, Enji even had a few decent moments with Shouto and Fuyumi before conversation died down and dinner was finished and everyone cleaned up and went to their rooms.

Enji slipped out of his shirt as soon as the door closed while you plopped down in the middle of the bed.

You held out your arms beckoning him.

He quietly slid into the bed lying on his stomach and placing his head on your chest.

The two of you sat in silence with nothing but the sound of breathing and your heartbeat in Enji’s ear.

“Thank you.”

You simply smiled and asked:

“For what?”

He thought for a moment.

“For being here and helping me even though I don’t deserve it.”

Enji turned his head to face you.

“You make me want to be a better person I had made such a terrible mistake and I wouldn’t blame you if you had decided to turn the other way. But you stayed and you push me to become a better person every day. And for that I’m grateful.”

You were at a loss for words.

The most emotionally vulnerable he’s been was when he confessed his deeds to you.

But right now he was being so earnest and looking at you with so much love in his eyes, It was a bit overwhelming.

You felt tears prickle in your eyes but you wiped them and hugged Enji closer to your chest.

You were glad to have made a positive change in his life.

“I’ll always be here for you.”

You laid your head back and felt Enji resume placing his head on your chest.

The two of you laid there basking in each others’ warmth.

It was when you were on the verge of unconsciousness when you heard Enji speak.

“I love you so much.”

It was just a whisper obviously not meant to be heard by you. But it melted your heart nonetheless.

“I love you too, Enji.”

The two of you fell asleep, content, and at peace, knowing the two of you meant the world to each other.

[soimarriedayuki]

“It’s not what you think it is!” (but it’s fun to tease him)

A little warning with this one as it touches on a sensitive topic. Context for the warning: We do have a tendency to use the tv like a radio for background noise at times. Sometimes that results in some rather adult content moments and I have lost track of the amount of times I have located my darling husband passed out on the sofa with something very saucy and spicy playing on tv completely unaware.

So there is your warning for this little anecdote. Enjoy responsibly :)

School holidays are a godsend for educators and a bit of a reminder as to how exhausting it can be having the kids at home. We love them, we chose to have them, but they can be full on energy level wise to the point where we are thankful to have only had one and can send the rest back to their own parents at the end of the day.

Tonight we were going to take as a win. Our little one was out with friends and after some text messages we soon discovered we were to be gifted time alone. Our daughter was having her first sleepover. 

What were we to do? We decided we didn’t have the energy to go out somewhere. So we agreed on ordering take out and Netflix. Everything was set up the food was good even if we had managed to order more than necessary. Honestly portion control is a issue in my family but I digress. 

What comes next is the rather unfortunate result of a full stomach, freedom from child raising and just being a grown up in general. I could not tell you what film we were watching or even when it happened but we both passed out in various degrees of pretzel forms on the sofa with the tv still playing.

I woke up before my husband. Probably because at some point he had managed to twist himself at an angle that meant he sounded less human and more like a struggling trash compacter. Not saying I don’t snore as well but come on this was a whole new level.

Unable to take the noise I escaped to the kitchen for a cup of tea and by the time I returned not only was Ii unable to sit back down thanks to him managing to melt across the sofa cushions there were also two cats sitting either side of it like the guards to the gate in ghostbusters. I did imagine at one point thanks to the sounds of hell coming from him that Zuul might just make an appearance. 

I moved to a chair and watched the two cats in protection mode before they got scared by my husband catching flies and ran off. The tv by this point had moved on in its storytelling and it was at that point my husband snored himself awake. Realising I wasn’t there he sat up and actually looked where he had been, probably half asleep thinking he might find me squashed under him.

“Sorry to disappoint you but I’m still here.” As I spoke I got to see him jump which was amusing.

“What happened?” He was rubbing his eyes looking like he couldn’t even remember what year it was.

“Well I’m no expert but... now bare with me on this cos it might be hard to follow. I think we fell asleep.” My deadpan reply was apparently not as funny to him as it was to me. 

“Ha, ha. I gotta get a drink.” He said as he reached out for his now room temperature soda. 

The scenes on the tv were becoming more graphic, at least for Hollywood standards. Creative camera angles, music, bodies... I could have let him finish drinking before drawing attention to it but where is the fun in that? 

“Hey Princess you watching this porn or is it just on for background noise?” Not only did that result in his head whipping around to the tv so fast I thought his eyes might fall out but he choked on his drink at the same time.

“What porn?” He sputtered and was staring at the screen trying to work out what was there.

“The thing on the tv.” I nodded towards it. In all honesty I couldn’t have cared less even if it was porn. 

I should point out there was several points early in our relationship where I had gone to bed only to wake up and find him passed out on the sofa with the tv still on. Whatever programme he had been watching finished and replaced with some badly plotted erotica that the tv channel dumped on to boost late night ratings. It had been a source of embarrassment for him and a lot of entertainment for me. 

I know I'm terrible but he is rather cute when flustered and bumbling his way through the English language attempting to formulate excuses.

“Its not porn its a movie.” He was much more awake now and could actually grasp what he was seeing.

“Ok you watching the sex scene in a movie or is it just playing for background noise?” 

“I don't even remember putting it on just change it if it bugs you.” He got up from the sofa nearly falling over one of the cats as he scooped up plates and carried them to kitchen. He probably thought I didn’t notice his ears turning red but I did.

“Doesn't bug me I just wondered if you wanted me to rewind it so you didn't miss anything.” I called after him listening to water running and the noise of him doing the dishes. Say what you like about him, there are times he can be very domesticated.

Dishes done he finally reappears with a glass of water and glaring at me as I'm trying to finish watching a programme I started a week ago. I had to stop because our daughter had come home and serial killers aren’t a topic I wished for her to see.

“Why did you call me Princess?” His pout was amazing and it took a lot of self restraint not to just say that or laugh.

“I can't believe it took you this long to register that.” I shrugged and patted the seat next to me. He came over and sat down still looking unimpressed.

“I was distracted.” He grumbled and settled in watching people run about on the screen explaining a cold case crime scene.

“Yeah by the porn.” I smirked feeling the way he just snapped at the bait before I could even see it.

“For the last time IT WAS NOT PORN!” 

***

[dailydnp]

YouTube stars and LGBT+ influencers Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on how they and their queer fans have helped each other through “radical bravery”.

Dan Howell, a comedian and one of world’s most popular YouTubers, and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, lesbian YouTube star and disability advocate, have had vastly different experiences as queer content creators.

The two LGBT+ YouTubers spoke to PinkNews to mark the launch of The Rise, a YouTube campaign that celebrates diverse UK creative talent on the platform.

Having already made YouTube videos for 10 years, Dan came out publicly in June 2019, in a 45-minute video titled “Basically I’m gay”.

He described his coming out story as “very strange”, and told PinkNews: “Me already being this kind of obnoxiously, omnipresent public figure, I had to kind of go on this process.

“I’ve known how gay I was since forever, but had to go on the whole journey of not just working out how I would communicate that to the world, but truly reaching a point of self-acceptance.

“Because on some level throughout all of my life, I’ve accepted it but not really acknowledged it. I said: ‘I’m not ready yet, now’s not the time, I don’t know how.'”

Jessica, on the other hand, explained that she has “never struggled” with her sexuality, having always known she would be accepted.

“I have a very different coming out story to most LGBT+ people in that I was raised in a Quaker family, and there was never the expectation that I was going to grow up and get a husband and that this was the way things happened… So I’ve never struggled with my sexuality in that way,” she said.

While Jessica uses her online platform to discuss her life as an LGBT+ person as well as queer history, much of her audience comes to her channel for her disabilities advocacy.

She has two rare genetic conditions, HNPP and EDS, which affect her nerves and connective tissues. She is deaf, visually impaired and her conditions can affect her mobility with varying severity.

“Being a disabled and chronically ill teenager, I had this big thing in my life that was really difficult, and a real struggle, and being gay just paled in comparison,” she said.

“There was obviously the drama, the girls that I liked didn’t liked me, they always turned out to be straight. But that was the biggest drama.

“When I started YouTube, I was already married, it was already very much like, this is who I am. I’m gay, this is my wife. There’s no question. There’s no worrying about it.”

She added: “I like to think that that does, in a way, represent what our future is going to be –  that we don’t have to have these coming out stories where people worry about how they’re going to be accepted, and worried about the response they’re going to get.”

Dan Howell wishes he’d had queer role models like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard when he was growing up.

Dan Howell said that YouTubers like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard could have helped him immensely when he was discovering his LGBT+ identity.

“If there was someone like Jessica when I was a young person watching YouTube, I just know I would have had a profoundly different journey through life and coming to accept my sexuality,” he said.

“I would have been represented, I would have learned about queer history, I would have been seeing different relationships, seeing different personalities.”

From LGBT+ issues to disabilities and mental health, both Dan and Jessica have used their platforms to share their experiences in areas that are vastly underrepresented in mainstream media, showing their viewers many facets of their identities.

In 2017, Dan used his YouTube channel to discuss his struggle with his mental health, in a video titled “Daniel and Depression”.

“There’s many aspects to a human,” he said. “I’ve always come from a place of just talking about whatever’s on my mind, or whatever is important to me.

“It was quite a jump for me to make that first video about mental health, opening up about depression out of nowhere was quite scary. Because even three or four years ago, it was still more of a taboo topic.

“I tried to do it in my own way, which is to kind of inappropriately joke about it at my own expense, and try to make it a storytelling experience. That’s just the same as everything else I do.”

Jessica said that from her point of view, “the best representation is always ‘happens to be'”.

“It’s the idea that you have a character who’s going on an adventure, you have someone who’s talking to you about makeup, and they just happen to be gay. Because otherwise we’re not really going to be reaching outside of our own echo chamber.”

She explained that some viewers end up watching 10 of her videos without ever realising that she’s married to a woman, which she thinks is “the best way to kind of have any change and effect on the culture and and people in the world”.

“Because if we’re always trying to preach to the choir, we’re not really going to get anywhere,” she said.

“But if people are thinking so-and-so on TV is absolutely amazing and then later find out that they’re gay, maybe they’ll be changing some preconceived notions.”

“It’s this kind of sneaky, insidious way that the gay agenda will thrive and inevitably take over the world,” laughed Dan. “Winning hearts and minds.”

One particularly heartwarming example, Jessica said, was when a fan used her videos to come out to their parents.

“She was raised in a very religious household and her parents were not at all open to the idea of homosexuality. In fact, if they were watching television, and something came up relating to the subject, they would immediately turn it off, change the channel, perhaps say something wasn’t particularly lovely.

“She was sat there feeling like, ‘Oh, am I ever going to come out my parents?'”

The fan decided to curate a playlist of Jessica’s videos to show her mother.

“It started with videos that I made about my religion,” she said, “and then transitioned to fashion and videos about history. And just slowly, each video was a slightly gayer video.”

“Her mother became a fan within the first 20 videos. She was like: ‘This seems like a good role model for my child.’

“Eventually [she realised] this role model has a wife and is gay, and is OK with this. And her parents are religious and OK with her being gay… I was able to provide a tool for someone to do that to come out in quite a safe way to their parents.”

The “radical bravery” of his queer fans helped Dan Howell come out.

Dan Howell, on the other hand, said that his fans were the ones who helped him feel safe to come out.

While still in the closet, he said he found it “difficult” that he viewers saw him as someone who was always “open and honest” with them, especially after sharing his experience with depression.

“I went on a world tour in 2018… I was doing these meet and greets, and people would genuinely pour their hearts out to me, and they would talk about everything they were going through in their life,” he said.

“They would talk about illness, they would talk about mental health. And so many people talked about sexuality, just because the community that had been created had this attitude of acceptance and growth and coming together and wholesomeness.”

While he understands that there was “no presumption [he] was a homophobe”, he found it confusing when people would tell him that he had inspired them to come out.

“It was difficult, because I stood there feeling like I was a sham. People were saying: ‘I feel strong enough to say this to you, because you’ve been so open and vulnerable to me.’ And I was just stood there like: ‘Well, actually, I feel like there’s the biggest part of me that I haven’t even yet gone on the journey to acknowledge myself.’

“I mean, I’ve had people that came out to me in front of their parents, because they felt like they were in a safe environment, and that’s crazy.

“The radical bravery of some of these people is what made me think if I was feeling like a little scared dog in my apartment, looking in the mirror like a chihuahua, thinking: ‘How am I ever going to come out publicly at this stage of my life?’ I would think well, actually, look at the younger generation.”

In the ‘chaos’ of the internet, queer YouTubers like Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard building valuable communities.

While the internet can be a scary place for queer folk, Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard are determined to use it to build community and acceptance.

“I think that we don’t talk enough about the wonderful sides of the internet,” said Jessica.

“How it allows people to come together and create a community, how it gives us access to education that might before been blocked to us, how we’re able to actually learn from people who come before us.

“I really like talk about queer history, because we’re one of the only communities and minorities that can’t pass down out knowledge through the generations. Because you know, gay people don’t necessarily have gay kids.

“We often miss out on learning from our elders and learning what’s come before us. And I think it’s really important and lovely that we talk about and validate and really cherish these communities that are available to us on the internet.”

Dan added: “When you look at the chaos of the internet and various online communities, I think it is good to see when people are creating content that can make people feel better.

“For all of the terrifying chaos of the freedom of the internet and creating on YouTube, it also lets people emerge that may not have been represented, you can create the content that you wish someone was making for you.

“And I think that’s one of the best things.”

[mirismuffins-ovo]

Plant Palace pt 5🌿

[There was a time skip from the last chapter]

John and Eddie's relationship had been good and if anything they got closer as John's pregnancy progressed. There were some nights when John couldn’t help but be in pain feeling the rushed growth of the three babies stretching his belly. The maroon sweater and a few other articles of clothes were the only things left that really fit John's growing tummy. John had started to struggle working with such a large amount of weight. And his sensitivity had gone up immensely touch wise and whenever he touched plants they’d sprout out of proportion. Eddie had been more concerned about John and kept saying John should really start staying home. John always insisted that he was alright but after he had a harder time at work and a few rude customers came in they decided it was time to start planning for a visit to John's godparents.

John and Eddie were packing the car for the trip to his parents,it wasn’t super long but they were cautious for the sake of John. Knowing John needed lots of water snacks(sugar) and light,not to mention the weather had gotten colder recently. John adjusted his clothes as he sat down in the front seat,he was embarrassed of the weight he’d gained in his hips and some in his chest. As John did this Eddie got into the car and started the drive,John gave a soft smile at Eddie and rested his hands on his distended belly rubbing it gently. “I’m sorry if they act weird by the way,they are regular humans though”

Eddie was actually excited for the little road trip they were going to have. He was super proud of John and how far he had gotten over the past several weeks. He loved snuggling up to his boyfriend at night and playing with the babies, which he was still waiting for his turn to feel the outward kicks.

“I’m sure they’ll be splendid.” Eddie smiled. “I’m pretty excited to meet your family, know how you grew up or were raised. It could help us take care of the little ones.” An idea popped in his head. “Speaking of the sprouts, have you decided to name them?”

Eddie felt a small chill so he turned on the heater to warm them up a bit. He also planned to stop by a drive through coffee shop to grab some hot cocoa for the road. The older man was sure his boyfriend would love the surprise treat.

John gave an awkward look at first when he mentioned how he grew up and he focused on the second question. “I haven’t yet,I want your help with that if that’s alright?,I’m not sure what the little fruit gummies will look like when they’re here.” He smiled warmly and patted his belly feeling one of them kick. John was pretty excited to see the babies. “ Henry and Quinn are good people they’ll be pretty helpful,but do not listen to them when they say baby names” He laughed softly “not the best judgement with names,we had a cat named Pringle’s” He smiled at the memories,still gently patting his round belly. Nearing the small coffee shop Eddie pulled off the main road and John was a bit confused until he realized this was a surprise stop. His face lit up “Oooo are we getting cocoa” he couldn’t help but excitedly fidget. They were maybe just a bit farther out from his childhood home.

“Of course cocoa.” Eddie smiled, ordering two with extra whipped cream and marshmallows. Sprinkles for John’s. “I might have a few ideas on the baby names, but I’d want to see them first to confirm if they’ll fit.”

Then they took off down the road again. The two enjoyed the scenery, watching as they drove further north towards John’s godparents place. Finally after 6 hours of travel, they arrived just after the sun had set. Eddie could see John be a little nervous about seeing his family after he assumed it was a while. Eddie took his boyfriend’s hand as he turned off the car.

“It’ll be okay. I’m here with you and we can turn around now if you want to leave.”

There were a lot of memories in that house “no no it’s okay...I just don’t know how they’ll react to um “he looked at his tummy and then Eddie “I know they won’t be mad but it’s still awkward” he shrugged and took a deep breath as they got out of the car Eddie helping John down making sure he wouldn’t fall. Eddie grabbed their bags and John grabbed bittys carrier,she let out a soft tired meow waking from her nap. They walked up to the front door of a nice looking house,it was surrounded by large tall trees,there seemed to be no neighbors around for a distance. John hesitantly pressed the doorbell and he heard a shuffle from inside.

The door clicked open to reveal a tall man just a bit shorter than Eddie,he wore glasses and had brown hair and a sweater on his face was slightly scruffy and showed a few signs of graying with a few streaks in his hair. His face lit up brightly when he saw John “My little Johnny!” He said lovingly just before realizing that the small redhead had quite the large tummy covered by his sweater. Another person shorter than John and androgynous looking opened the door more “Oh my..John you’ve gotten fat” they said a bit shocked as they allowed the couple to step in from the cold.

John felt his face get hot with embarrassment “hello to you too Quin”

Henry had pulled John in for a hug trying to be careful with John's tummy “so is this your handsome husband?” He gasped slightly and looked at John with a raised eyebrow “I see you’ve inherited my taste in men John” he said teasingly. John was an embarrassed little mess dealing with his godparents.

Eddie blushed and felt a little bad for John. He wanted to speak up to correct the older man, but he kept his lips tightly closed. Instead he just smiled and helped with the bags. When they greeted the other man, he blushed a little further when he heard the compliment.

The house was lush and cozy, growing into a grandparent’s aesthetic, but also manly. He quite liked the subtle decoration. He stayed close to John as they were shown around the house. He dropped off the bags in their room for the weekend and continued to stay close. Although he knew these people were safe, he couldn’t help but feel protective of John. He offered John the chance to return home, but he was the one who wanted to hide and protect him and the babies.

Once the house tour was over, they all decided to relax in the living room for the evening until they had to go to bed.

It was the next morning and John woke up in the arms of his lover,who he’d found tiredly rubbing his plump tummy in a loving manner. “Morning” John smiled softly and nuzzled his face into Eddie's shoulder inhaling the lovely scent of him. John struggled to sit up with the weight of the babies,he huffed as he slouched in bed. “I can’t wait to meet them,but we should probably tell Henry and Quinn and see if they’ll be able to take care of them” John sat up and struggled to grab the clothes out of his bag on the floor,he wasn’t able to bend down,and had been needing help getting dressed. “I can’t reach it” he sighed, cradling his bulging tummy that rested in his lap while he sat back on the bed. He heard a light knock on the bedroom door and he heard Henry call for them to come to breakfast. Eddie had helped John get dressed and they went to breakfast together sitting down at the table that was covered in pancakes and assortments of fruits. Quinn set down a cup of tea for John and the coffee pot in the middle of the table.

John had proceeded to eat his breakfast and a large amount at that. He decided to speak up “so I’m pregnant..if you couldn’t tell” he cleared his throat glancing or a moment at Eddie still nervous,but he heard Henry squeal with joy and come over to and get on his knees “your having a baby????” He softly poked his tummy. Quinn humpfed and rose an eyebrow at this,it was obvious that Quinn didn’t like John too much.

John gave a soft laugh “three actually” he was shy about it but Henry couldn’t help but smile and place his hands on John's tummy and placed his ear close and lovingly listened. He could hear the shifting of the babies and laughed happily before giving John a big hug and looking at Eddie “congrats your two!” Quinn had started to clean up the table not saying anything

“It might be too dangerous to raise them in the city,there’s a chance that they might look too plant-like..so we were wondering if you could take care of them part time?” Henry looked like he was about to say yes,but Quinn’s voice rang out “No!” John looked startled and Henry whipped his head back to look at his partner.

Eddie didn’t bother to correct Henry’s joy when John brought up asking to help raise them. When Quinn shouted ‘NO!’ It shook them a little. Eddie noticed Quinn wasn’t too pleased to see John and with him being a complete stranger to the two, he could understand a little of the frustration. Clearly there was something here that Eddie was missing.

“I’m not sure of what’s going on between you and John, but I know little to nothing about Abnormals, Abnormal pregnancies, let alone plant children.” Eddie voiced. “I know it sounds so short but I’ve known John for over a year now and we’ve been together for a good four months or so, all he’s doing is asking for help.”

Eddie could see anger boil in Quinn’s eyes. Henry and John became quiet. He looked at all three and sighed. “Could we at least talk about this before making a final decision? If anything, think about John, when he shouldn’t be having stress on him. Both of us are unsure about all of this, the unexpected rock tossed into our short relationship but we’re both trying our best to figure this out. We’re not dumb teenagers who went and got ourselves knocked up. I just happen to be here when it’s brought up. We’re both functioning adults as much as we would love to care for the babies like any other family should when given the opportunity, there’s just that barrier, especially with America having a tight ass about things.” He looked over them all. “I deeply care about John, so just hear us out, please.

John was upset and he moved closer to Eddie for comfort. Henry was distressed about how his partner had reacted,Henry was more than happy to help John but then Quinn spoke again. “We’re not raising anymore abnormals Henry,I don’t know how you pamper him” Quinn raised a hand to point towards John with anger “DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE RAISING HIM” they sighed with anger and shook their head. “Three more!? Continuing his bloodline,you know his parents and his past,another Prince-“

Henry snapped “that is quite enough” John could feel it hard to not cry but he kept calm and looked away at the floor,grabbing into Eddies hand.

“If they find we’re associated with the Prince family,which keep in mind could have happened while we raised him,but that never happened. There’s still places to hide them Quinn” Henry shook his head “I’m sorry about this John” He muttered to John and Eddie,seeing the small pregnant man looking upset.

Quinn continued “this is johns problem were not responsible for him anymore”

John took a shaky breath and tried to pull Eddie away “w-we should get going..it’s a long drive back” he said in the middle of the silence “im..sorry for asking about it”

“What…” Eddie was shocked at what just went down. He was forming more questions than answers. But John was already on the move pushing past them with tears in his eyes to pack the clothes he took out for the night while Eddie quietly gathered Bitty. He didn’t want to say anything but he now understood why John was nervous in the first place about even telling him.

What had John gone through growing up? Was Quinn always this rough on him? What is Quinn’s fault that John was so scared of humans? Where were they going to go now for help? He knew a ticket to Canada wasn’t cheap and to live there was too long a process. If the pregnancy was going how John said, faster and quicker, especially with three, they were pretty much out of time.

John was already 2 months gone into his pregnancy and could have them after the third. Plus with winter approaching, John was starting to lose his energy, another reason why Eddie wanted him to stop working. He was at a loss as he packed the car while John said farewell to Henry. A pit in his stomach formed for John, feeling that this would be the last time he would see the people who helped raise his boyfriend.

The younger man was sniffly and red-eyed by the time they got into the truck, Bitty settled between them. The ride was tense, silent. All Eddie could do was hold his hand. He was sure there was something they could do to solve this problem. But he promised he was going to stick by his boyfriend until the end, even if they were old in age.

“We’ll be okay.” He said, hoping the words would help a little, but knowing how things were, he pit in his stomach never left and wasn’t any time soon.

[vampire--dad]

For the Witcher Writers’ Circle Server prompt bingo! @lovelyeskel

Prompt: Established Relationship

——————

“You’re staring.”

“Can you blame me?”

Jaskier smiles. He wasn’t sure about growing a beard, but since Geralt did for the winter, he thought he might as well. Over the years his hair has slowly become streaked with gray, including his facial hair. He just about fainted when he saw the first one grow through. It only spread from there. Geralt loves it. He never thought the bard could be any more beautiful, yet here he is, his ageless smile framed by brown and silver hair. The hair in the top of his head has grown as well, now brushing against his jawline. Geralt can’t help but run his fingers through it whenever he gets the chance. It’s as thick and soft as ever.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, mister,” Jaskier says, setting aside his lute and delicately placing himself across Geralt’s lap. The witcher’s arms slide around his waist and pull him close. “You still owe me ten ducats for throwing that snowball at Eskel’s backside because you didn’t have the balls to start the fight.”

“Mmm. What’s mine is yours… or some shit like that...”

Jaskier laughs as Geralt peppers his cheeks and lips with kisses.

“I’m sorry to tell you, dear heart, that’s not how it works,” Jaskier chuckles.

“What are you going to spend it on anyway? It’s the middle of winter.”

“I happen to be saving up for new lute strings.”

“I’ll buy you new lute strings.”

“Is that an excuse to get out of paying me?”

“No.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Geralt.”

They chuckle and share a slow kiss. Ciri feigns gagging as she witnesses them over Eskel’s shoulder. Her uncle laughs and scratches his head, wondering when this girl got so good at gwent.

Lambert sees it too. He hates to admit that seeing his brother happy with Jaskier stings. He once had someone like that. Once. And he slipped right through his fingers. He should never have let Aiden go on that contract in Ellander alone. He should have gone with him. Maybe they could have fought off Karadin and his assassins together. But there’s no use in reminiscing. He and Geralt saw to it personally that Aiden was avenged. Perhaps killing Karadin was cold, but he couldn’t let the man go on after what he had done. Philanthropy means fuck all when your past is covered in blood. You don’t get to walk away from that. Or at least that’s what Lambert tells himself.

The doors to the keep burst open, groaning loudly enough for them all to hear. All eyes shoot up to the hall that leads to the entrance. Several of them reach for swords as the wind howls inside. Vesemir goes first, scowling at the hallway as he approaches it. Eskel and Ciri are the next to stand, Ciri holding a blade as they walk towards the hall. Not just anything can open those doors when they’re bolted shut. Geralt shifts Jaskier off of his lap with a frown and joins Lambert as they disappear down the hall together. Jaskier is left in the common room by the fire, knowing he won’t be much help.

A man covered in snow leans against the open door, shivering and clearly too weak to stand on his own. Short, sandy brown hair hangs damply from his head. Vesemir grips him by the collar and tosses him against the stone wall as Geralt and Eskel struggle to close the doors against the wind. Ciri props the man’s chin up with the tip of her blade, revealing a pale, scarred face, a weak toothy grin, and a pair of familiar yellow eyes— one, at least. The other is covered by a thick leather eyepatch.

“Alright, sweetheart, lay off. I don’t mean any trouble,” the witcher chuckles, holding his hands up in surrender.

Lambert stands frozen in the hallway, staring at the man, but at the sound of his voice, his heart almost stops beating. It can’t be. It’s not possible. Before any more can be said, he forces himself between Ciri and Vesemir, shoving his father and niece out of the way, and stands before the man with tears gathering in his eyes. He knows that voice, that smile, that beautiful man he tortured himself for ever letting go on his own.

“Aiden…?”

“Here he is, the man of the hour,” Aiden laughs weakly. “I was just looking for you, wolf—”

Whatever shitty joke Aiden had planned for him is cut off. Lambert throws his arms around Aiden and squeezes him tight, trying to reassure himself that this is real. He is real. Aiden is alive. His arms are wrapped around Lambert’s middle and his head tucked into the crook of his neck just the way he used to. He grabs Aiden’s face and plants a bruising kiss on his lips as the others watch in bewilderment. He barely even notices they’re there. Aiden’s lips are ice cold and just as sweet as he remembers. A tear slides down his cheek as he squeezes his eyes shut. Ciri doesn’t think she’s ever seen her uncle cry. He pulls away with a relieved laugh.

“You asshole, I thought you were dead,” Lambert breathes, brushing Aiden’s wet hair from his eyes. He pulls Lambert closer in desperate search of any warmth he can cling to.

“Please, takes more than a measly little crossbow to rid you of me, wolf,” Aiden says affectionately, gently wiping a tear from Lambert’s cheek. “Now can we please talk about this somewhere warmer? I just about froze my ass off getting here.”

Without a second thought, Lambert lifts Aiden from his feet and carries him to the common room to sit by the fire. The other four witchers stand about, looking from person to person in confusion. Geralt smiles knowingly.

“So that’s why he killed Karadin,” he mumbles. “He thought he had lost the man he loves.”

“You seem to know what’s going on,” Ciri says with her hands on her hips. “Mind filling us in?”

Geralt explains their story as he remembers from Lambert. Vesemir and Eskel glance down the hall with reproach at the mention of a cat witcher. Geralt gives them a look of warning. He remembers feeling the same reproach, but he won’t judge the man if Lambert, of all people, loves him.

“I know the reputation that the School of the Cat has made for itself, but this is Lambert. He doesn’t trust easily, we all know that. If he can trust this one enough to let him get that close to him, perhaps we need to trust his judgment.”

Eskel and Ciri nod slowly. Vesemir doesn’t, but Geralt knows better than to push it. They return to the common room where Aiden is wrapped in a blanket before the fire with Lambert by his side. Jaskier has run off to the kitchen to get him something to eat. He and Lambert talk quietly about the things that had happened to him while he was gone, the wolf staring lovingly at the cat and stroking his hair gently. Eskel’s never seen that look on Lambert’s face. Perhaps Geralt is right. If anyone can break through that rough exterior Lambert keeps up, they deserve their trust.

As the others take their seats nearby the fire again, Lambert sits up a little straighter and introduces everyone. His arm is wrapped tightly around Aiden’s shoulders.

“These are my brothers, Geralt and Eskel, Geralt’s daughter, Ciri, and Jaskier is Geralt’s husband.”

“Daughter?” Aiden asks, cocking an eyebrow at Ciri. “Witchers can’t have children. What kind of chaos did you have to meddle in to end up with one?”

“It’s a long story,” Ciri and Geralt say in unison.

Aiden had always known he was going to end up at Kaer Morhen with Lambert’s family. He could never tell if he looked forward to it or dreaded it. The School of the Cat has a reputation and he knows the wolves will hold him to it until he can prove otherwise. He nods slowly and turns back to Lambert.

“And what about the old bastard— where’s he gone off to? What about him?” Aiden asks.

“That’s Vesemir. Our... mentor.”

Vesemir has retired to his room without a word. Lambert is almost relieved. If anyone is going to give Aiden a hard time, it’s him. Lambert was never one to refer to Vesemir as their father. Geralt and Eskel do, when he’s not around, but he can’t. The man might have taught him everything he knows, but he’s not his father. His parents are long dead. Aiden nods slowly.

“I remember you telling me about him.”

Jaskier returns and hands Aiden a bowl of stew. He smiles gratefully at him, noticing at last that he is the only one who doesn’t have yellow eyes, the only non-witcher in the room. He quirks his head slightly at him.

“It’s not common to find a human in a witcher’s keep, let alone married to one,” he says. His voice constantly carries a tone of mischief. “How did that happen?”

Jaskier chuckles as he sits next to Geralt and slips an arm around him. He sees why Lambert would like this one. He’s got that same snarky sense of humour.

“Many, many years of following him around and trying to keep him alive until he realised I wasn’t so bad for a bard,” he teases, gazing at Geralt lovingly. The witcher chuckles and kisses the bard’s cheek.

“More like many, many years of annoying me until I realised there was no getting rid of you,” he says with an amused smile. Jaskier laughs softly and shakes his head. They could save the flirting for later.

“Enough of that, you old brute. Aiden, how did you get to Kaer Morhen in the middle of winter? It’s bad enough to travel in winter in general, but up here in the mountains…”

Aiden shrugs as he shovels stew into his mouth. It’s been weeks since he’s had something proper to eat.

“The mages that found me had planned on keeping me until spring. I had other ideas. One of ‘em found me pretty enough to help me sneak out with a few of their warming potions and some extra cloaks,” he says with a smug grin. Lambert’s hold around his shoulders tightens possessively. Aiden rolls his eyes.

“Don’t worry, wolf,” he teases. “Nothing happened. I was busy sneaking out to get back to you. Couldn’t let you go without me for too long.”

“Just making sure,” Lambert mutters.

Lambert lays on his side, propped up on his elbow, watching as Aiden strips himself of his sodden clothes before the fire. As long as it has been, neither of them want anything. They just want to spend the night in each other's arms as they used to after a hunt.

“That scar is new,” he observes. He knows all of Aiden’s scars like they’re his own. Aiden glances down at the thick pink line that creeps across his ribs and down his back.

“Oh, right. Cockatrice. Little fucker caught me off guard,” Aiden says indifferently, slipping under the covers with Lambert. His skin is cooler than usual. Lambert runs his fingers along the scar as if he’s committing it to memory along with the others.

“If that’s the case, you deserved it,” he teases, kissing along Aiden’s jaw with a smirk. “Should never have had your guard down.”

“I’d just lost an eye, wolf,” Aiden chuckles.

“Shame, too. You’ve got the prettiest eyes…”

“Lambert…”

The wolf sighs with content as he pulls Aiden into the circle of his arms and presses a soft kiss on a scar on his shoulder. It’s his favourite, that scar. The one he gave him when Aiden decided to introduce himself by trying to kill him. His hands roam down Aiden’s back, fingers brushing over old bumps and ridges from past battles. It’s soothing, for both of them. He still can’t quite believe that Aiden is here, he’s alive. He might just go visit those mages and see if he can return the favour once winter passes.

“I’ve missed you, kitten.”

Aiden smiles softly. He loves when Lambert calls him kitten. There were times he thought he’d never hear it again.

“I missed you too, pup.”

[angelicjadamv]

The story so far

One month after graduating high school in 2015 I was finally able to move away from my family. I was 18 and moved to California for college. Fortunately one of the scholarships I earned was accompanied by a summer program that started in the middle of the summer before fall semester. Shortly after settling in a safe, stable environment for the first time in my life I started to get better. A lot better at first. Then life happened, as it does, and 18 years of repressed trauma and abuse broke me. My nervous breakdown ruined my fall semester, I couldn't go to classes or take exams or function as a student anymore. Until this point, being an exceptional student was all I had and basically how I survived. My safe and stable environment now was dependant on maintaining a certain GPA, among other requirements I could no longer meet. I failed one of my main courses because I had a 0 on 2 exams, including the final. When I went home I was put on antipsychotics. Returning to campus for the 2016 spring semester, I attempted to seek more therapy. I wasn't successful in finding a good therapist (for me, therapy is a personal thing. Just because someone isn't a good therapist for me doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad therapist). I did continue to see my 2 psychiatrists (emergency and regular) often as they attempted to adjust my medication to find something that work. My agoraphobia worsened, I stopped sleeping, I could barely eat, I was manic one moment and dissociative the next, SH and suicidal ideation worsened. I was a burden to my friends and loved ones. I made it through this because I had a beautiful support system that I will forever be grateful for, but I ended up taking a leave of absence academically for my second semester, earning no credits and putting my scholarships at further jeopardy. I was allowed to stay on campus because it was clear I was dangerously unstable with no safe environment to return to and because I had incredible advocates looking out for me. I had realized that I wasn't going to get better in time to salvage my academic career and my life, and was mostly clueless as to how I would survive. I had had an internship in my field since I started college, but I earned basically no money. STEM internships aren't really made to be livable for undergrads, so I had mostly been working for experience in a field I would no longer be able to progress in. Bummer. My physical health had taken a huge dive for all of 2016. I basically always knew I was chronically ill, but I had been abused and gaslit my entire life to believe and act like I was fine, I was just a weak baby, I didn't know what real pain or suffering was, seizures were to be ignored, no I didn't have migraines or pinched nerves (um hello SCOLIOSIS), etc etc. And 2016 was the year my body finally started to break, so I knew "regular" jobs weren't going to be a viable option for me, at least not for long.

And thus I became a survival SW. I stayed in college for a final semester, because I didn't want to miss my friends, I loved my campus and didn't know where else to live, I still needed a lot of campus resources. I also kept my internship as long as I could, because I knew I would miss it for the rest of my life. I didn't really go to classes, again, because as much as a desperately wanted to and as much as my advisors moved heaven and earth to try to make it work for me, I couldn't handle it. I was finally able to find 2 great therapists who I started seeing regularly who actually knew how to diagnose and treat me, one at school and one outside. This is also when I met Daddy (Jace) online. After talking for what is probably a stupidly short time, we fell in love and started dating. This is honestly my first real relationship and time actually catching genuine feelings for someone, something that I hadn't thought I was capable of. Despite being happier than I had ever been in so many ways, my mental and physical health was still steadily declining. My migraines and pain were getting worse, I hadn't been able to eat normally in months and relied entirely on medication to eat or sleep at all. Many people recommended mmj at this point in my life, but I was afraid of how it would interact with my other meds. I only smoked occasionally at parties at this point (because no way was I spending my super duper limited money on weed). I wonder if medicating with something that actually worked well for me, like weed, would have allowed me to finish college. Oh well I guess. Because of my inability to attend classes, I had to take another leave for the fall semester 2016. I worked at a strip club briefly, but my health couldn't handle it for long.

I didn't want to go home for the first winter break in 2015, but campus closed and I had nowhere else to go. It was turbulent. When summer 2016 came, I still didn't go home despite having no place to stay. Until a month or so later, it was revealed to me a relative had terminal cancer. I had to go home again. It was worse than turbulent. When winter 2016 came, my relative was in much worse condition. They only had a few months left, and this was probably my last chance to say goodbye. This visit was by far the most traumatic, and more because of my parents than watching a loved one die. At least Jace was able to come meet me for the first time in person. He also got to meet my relative before they passed 🖤

Freshly fucked up by family, I retuned to California at the beginning of 2017. I was mostly taking a break from SW because of my health and was working vanilla jobs as I could (so not much). I had a pretty decent job that I was really good at and had been promoted, but then my relative passed. I started losing consciousness again ( I had many seizures and fainting spells in my childhood and during high school) and had to quit my job. the funeral was in spring 2017, I flew to Jersey to be with Daddy for a few days and then he drove me several states over for the memorial. That was the last time I saw my family. I wanted to transition to online/content creating, but I had no tech knowledge or equipment (even my phone was a potato). In high school I wasn't allowed to have a smartphone, most social media other than what was heavily monitored (and still had 0 experience with platforms sw is popular on besides Tumblr I guess), I didn't really know much about cameras. Way too sheltered and broken to feel like I could start anything. I was now seeing my outside, or I guess regular and only, therapist twice a week and doing treatments that while working for me were insanely (literally) hard. I had been able to get an apartment with roommates at a super discount in return for taking care of their crazy dog, which was a win win for me (he was a good boi just crazy from a bad past and had the worst separation anxiety). The agreement was that I would live with them until the lease was up in September, and then we would reevaluate the situation. Then they both got promoted at their mega corporation jobs. And after their wedding found a really gorgeous apartment in a much fancier part of the city, and paid to break our lease early in June leaving me homeless. I had been fired from my last 2 jobs (probably for being disabled because California is at will employment but who knows I might have been fired from the nanny job because the husband wanted to fuck me). I had no money or anywhere to go. All of my friends were almost as broke as me, so while I had offers to couchsurf at a few of their places they had other roommates who would have been pissed and in a few months they would be going back to school anyways. Daddy and I had been trying to save up to move in together for months, but he was going to move to California. We didn't have any money for that, so instead he asked me to move in with him in New Jersey. Leaving meant I lost my health insurance and my therapist. It was supposed to be much more temporary and we were supposed to move back to California much sooner than we were able to. I try not to be mad at those roommates because being angry doesn't change anything, but it really sucked.

Moving in with Daddy meant we could start our blog! And I was super happy at first, the happiest I could ever remember. But the years had been too hard and my health started to get worse than ever before. Without treatment and so traumatized, my brain and body were constantly at war. I would wake with splitting migraines, throwing up, my chronic pain became completely unmanageable. I started to need weed all the time because it was the only thing that stopped my cyclical vomiting episodes and kept me out of the hospital. My antipsychotics and other meds had been high-key fucking me up (probably shouldn't have been on them in the first place, thank you doctor who also ignored my seizures even when I had one in front of you) and were almost impossible to come off of because the withdrawals. (Seriously, kicking xanax was easier for me than my antipsychotics.) I'm not anti medication or anything, I just know the ones I was on were not good for me anymore. I'd actually like to be on something again, I just need a doctor who actually understands PTSD and DID.

My health continued to be shit for most of 2018, with several ER visits for severe dehydration from vomiting for days on end. We started to make videos and do snapchat and online sessions to be able to make ends meet. Despite being in the worst situation and thus everything being a trizillion times harder, we really loved (and still love 😇) doing SW and creating content. Our fans and clients have been there in some of our darkest moments, just being lovely or pulling through for us when we needed it most. During 2018 and 2019 I became actively suicidal for the first time since I was 13. I struggled with self harm again. I have gotten worse than I ever thought possible. But I wouldn't have made it at all if it wasn't for SW, this community and our supporters.

At the beginning of 2020 we were finally able to move back to California. Obviously, the pandemic severely disrupted many of our plans, especially regarding my recovery. Despite things being delayed or shifted, we are in a much better place currently. I have what I need to get better and I can build a support system again. I will get better.

Talking about things is hard for me. Being open and honest is hard for me. For 18 years I was trained and abused to not be sad or show negative feelings, or talk about upsetting things, and it has been killing me slowly my entire life. I genuinely don't want pity or to make others feel bad, but I do want to give you the chance to get to know me. I don't always talk about things so much. But I'm trying to get better at it.

[thefanficmonster]

Inky Memories

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing, Drug Use (Past), Domestic Violence (Past), Shoplifting (Past)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: Tattoos can reveal a lot about a person. What will Y/N’s tattoos, which she has kept hidden for so long, reveal to Corpse? Will it change anything between them?

Requested by Anon. If you’re reading this you know who you are 😊 Thank you for the request, hope you like what I did with it. Sorry if I made it too angsty! And my most sincere apologies for publishing it so late. Enjoy XOXO ❤

“Guys, come on now! I’m not hiding anything!“ I laugh, looking up from the comments to the camera, “You know how much I hate being embarrassed! Believe me when I say these tattoos are EMBERRASSING. I got them while I was either drunk or in my emo phase and I’m not too proud of them.“

I’m currently doing an Instagram live Q&A session that I scheduled last week. I do one every month and it’s my favorite way of connecting with my audience. An hour of chill lo-fi and questions and answers. I get really excited every time I schedule the session. My fans are such amazing people and they are all so supportive, funny, intelligent...I could go on and on about their positive qualities. One thing I’m not too fond of is their persistent curiosity. Here’s why.

Yesterday, while streaming, I got an unexpected pain in my forearm. Instinctively, I lifted my shirt sleeve to see what was wrong, flashing a few tattoos at my viewers in the process. I’ve never mentioned my tattoos to my audience, not even my boyfriend, actually, so to have this much attention on them so suddenly makes me want to hide them even more. People started commenting on them during the stream and I tried to dodge the majority of the questions, but I knew they would be inevitable during the Q&A. If the session hadn’t been scheduled for like a week at that point I maybe would’ve postponed it until the dust settled. 

“I have several. Not only on my arm.“ I only answer these vague questions. I avoid the ones that are asking details like what is depicted with the tattoos and what’s their meaning, bla, bla, bla.

Here’s the thing. I got my first tattoo when I was fifteen at this shady alley tattoo shop and I’ve been obsessed with tattoos since. I made a deal with myself to get at least one every year.

Needless to say, I’m twenty years old and have almost the same number of tattoos. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed of them. And I lied when I said they were embarrassing. I am quite happy with them, the way they look, at least. Each of them represent something different. Unfortunately, they are representative of some dark and depressing times. Times I want only the fewest of few people to know about.

“Yes, he’s here. You can’t see him, but he’s waving. He says hi.“ Corpse is the perfect distraction. My viewers love him just as much - maybe more - as they love me. 

He knows how easily I get overwhelmed by the attention and pressure of thousands of eyes on me and whenever I’m having a hard time while streaming all he has to do is walk in my recording room and just say the most random thing. Recently, his go-to phrase has been ‘Chicken wing’ and it always cracks up both me and my viewers.

Speaking of Corpse, him and I have been dating for over a year now. We moved in together a month or two before quarantine was officially a thing so we have been together 24/7. It’s scary how many things you can pick up on when you spend so much time with someone. That, of course, means he has noticed some of my tattoos. He has asked me about them, like why I cover them up and why am I so secretive about them and I’ve always been vague and indirect with my answers. He’s the sweetest and most patient person ever, so he has never pressed me with the questions, but I’m still hoping to gain the courage to reveal them to him someday.

“Thanks for tuning in, guys! See you tomorrow for my regular stream and next month for a chill hang out like this one. Love you, stay safe. Mwah!“ And with that the live video is done and I can finally breathe out a sigh of relief.

“Now we can order dinner“ I smile at Corpse who is chilling on the couch in my recording room. He looks up from his phone screen, returning my smile. “Were you recording a Behind The Scenes again?“

He does that often, not only with my Instagram lives but sometimes my streams as well. That’s actually how we revealed our relationship to our fanbases. 

He nods, “Yeah.” He pauses for a second, switching to a sitting position with his feet touching the floor. We’re almost at eye-level now. His arms snake around my waist as he pulls me closer towards him. I take the hint and settle in his lap, my legs on either side of him. “I admire how well you handled the pressure back there. I know how you feel about that topic.”

The small bit of anxiety that has started spreading throughout my chest disappears. He has that calming effect on me. Like my own personal safety blanket that’s with me at all times. “I wouldn’t have handled it so well if you weren’t here with me.” I say as I run a hand through his hair, moving a few stray curls away from his gorgeous eyes.

He shakes his head, making the strands fall back over his eyes, “It has nothing to do with me, Y/N. You are simply an amazing person, that’s all.“ His cold hand cups my burning red cheek, leaning my head down so our foreheads are touching. “Nothing could change my mind about it.“

That sentence causes a small pang in my chest. I feel like a manipulator. I’ve led this man to fall in love with me without knowing the past versions. I realize it’s incredibly manipulative of me to reveal my dark aspects only after we’re head over heels for one another, but I can live with it. If it were up to me, he’d never have to know. He would never have to find out that I’m not the amazing person he thinks I am. I have been broken countless times before and all my pieces are just glued in place. Not all of them are where they’re supposed to be and some of them are on the verge of breaking off. Just like a mirror. You can put all the pieces together but not only will you see the cracks, the shards can fall at any moment. 

My tattoos are to me as the cracks are to the mirror - evidence of my fragility and the many falls and breaks I’ve had throughout my life.

“Are you sure about that?“ I whisper, trying my hardest to engrave every detail of this moment in my mind because, after what I’m about to do, I’m afraid we might never be like this again.

The softness of his curls, his scent, his warmth, the way he makes me feel. I can hardly believe I’m risking losing all of that, but I owe him the truth.

I feel him nod against my forehead. I tense up and pull away so I can look him in the eyes. It’s hard for me to maintain eye contact especially when I’m fighting back tears. I can’t even say I’m about to lose him. I’m about to let him go. It’s up to him if he stays or decides that he deserves better.

No backing out, Y/N.

I grab the hem of my sweater and lift it up, revealing the many ink drawings on my skin. I discard the sweater on the floor, leaving me in only my bra meaning all my tattoos are on display. Not exactly all, I have some on my legs as well, but these are some of the most important ones. The ones which reveal most about who I used to be.

Corpse takes my hands, tilting my arms so he can take a better look at the tattoos that go from my wrists to the bend of my arm. His thumbs caress the tattoo on each of my wrists. “This one... “ I nod to my left wrist, “I got on my friend’s birthday. We both did. They’re matching.“ The tattoo depicts a heart with a keyhole. “She got the key.“

“I thought I had the key.“ He says, smirking up at me.

“You do now.“ I feel the pang again but this time it doesn’t go away. It’s a constant pain - a constant fear. Being scared of something inevitable is the most nerve-wracking feeling. It makes you feel small, helpless, like you’re standing aside watching your life be controlled by a force you can’t see.

Before he can break me even more, I go on, nodding to my upper arm, a little below my shoulder where there’s a rope tattoo that bends around my arm, its ends connecting in a bow, “I got this one after my shoulder healed.”

His brows furrow in concern as he tilts my head for me to look at him, “Healed from what?”

Here we go. Let the cat out of the bag. “Um....well...” I instinctively reach up to touch my shoulder, running my fingertips over the inked rope. “My dad wasn’t a very nice guy.”

I can pinpoint the second his heart breaks. I don’t want to hear what he has to say, I know it will kill me, so I just continue, moving onto the one on my other wrist where the word ‘Shadow’ is written in cursive writing, “This was my nickname in my friend group. I was the only one to never get caught shoplifting.”

The tears are gonna start rolling at any moment so I deliver the final blow, moving onto the most traumatic event, aka the tattoo on my collarbone of a heartbeat turning into a dead line and kicking up again, “This one I got after I woke up from my almost overdose.”

As if on cue, a tear falls from my eye onto his hand that’s still holding mine. My voice remains still, to my surprise, but I know it won’t be long before it too gives and breaks. I can’t look at him. I don’t want to see any sympathy or that look like he doesn’t recognize me. I feel like I’ve let both myself and him down.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?“ he asks me in a whisper. He sounds almost hurt.��“You know you can tell me anything.“

I see another tear fall, “I know. I just...didn’t want you to think any less of me.“

Again, he lifts my head so he can look me straight in the eyes. He knows how much I struggle with eye contact and how much I hate crying in front of people, he knows how vulnerable I feel when someone’s looking me in the eyes or when someone sees me cry. He also knows that he’s the only exception to that rule. He knows I never feel out of place when he’s around. 

“Think less of you? Babe, you’re a fighter like no other. You picked you life back up. You did all that on your own. You’re a warrior, Y/N.“

I smile through the tears which are now ones of joy instead of fear and dread. “I was a dumb teenager, Corpse. I had no idea what I was doing. I just wanted to get a thrill and feel something other than pain. I know I went about it the wrong way but...” he gives my hand an encouraging squeeze, “And you’re wrong, I didn’t do it all on my own.” I release his hand so I can cup his cheek. His hand comes up to cover mine as I swipe my thumb on his cheekbone, “I met you a month after I left the hospital. The rest you know. I moved to a less druggie populated part of town and I repaired my relationship with my aunt. All that time, I was balancing between the need to relapse and the will to stay alive. After I met you, that balancing act was no longer a balancing act at all. I didn’t even think about my past anymore. I was more focused on what I could be. On what I have to be to deserve to have you by my side.” 

“You will always have me on your side, Y/N. Even when you don’t want or need me there.“ With both his hands holding mine he leans forward, connecting our lips. It’s a short kiss laced with nothing but love and adoration. 

As we lay on the couch, him asking about each individual tattoo I didn’t get to tell him about, everything just seems a lot easier. Like a big area that was previously dark has suddenly turned into the brightest point of our relationship.

“I need to get that key tattooed. It’s only appropriate.“ He says, his finger tracing the heart on my wrist.

“Or an ownership deal for it. That heart’s yours, you know.“ I laugh, lifting my arm to inspect the oldest painting on my body, “It’s your favorite one?”

“No.” he shakes his head, “This is my favorite one.” he leans down and kisses the heartbeat on my collar bone. “I’m so glad it started beating again.”

“I am too.“

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