#i was too scared to sleep bc i thought i was gonna die

[swagging-back-to]

i wanna stop smoking so bad :/

[luck-of-the-drawings]

[OLD ART ALERT] A COLLECTION OF SCENES FROM THE GILLIONS CATSCRATCH ARC THAT BROUGHT ME GREAT JOY. i love fishy chips especially when its just gillion being delirious and violent and hostile

[paeonie-s]

im so scared for next semester omg

[dr-gaytorius]

Have you ever been so angry you can't sleep bc you're thinking about murder and revenge. This is worse than being too horny to sleep. Shaking and crying because how can I make him suffer without it tracing back to me. Things that are normal and regular

[certifiedcodbabygirl]

Simon Riley crying and praying for the first time in years bc you're hospitalized

(self indulgent as fuck, based off of personal medical history bc it'll be more accurate)

You hadn't ate or drank for 5 days, unable to keep anything down. You thought it was the flu at first. Fevers, puking, extreme fatigue. It didn't seem like anything out of the norm. Except for when your fevers started casing full body convulsions that made you look possessed. Chills and cold sweat turned to groaning and crying, muscles all over cramping and clenching, breathing becoming difficult. You figured it was because you hadn't had the flu in years. How wrong you had been.

Once your puke turned green, which was later found out to be bile from your kidneys, Simon rushed you to the hospital. Unable to stand, he pulled a wheelchair from the entrance and pushed you everywhere. Within 2 hours, the nurses had you admitted and on IV meds. Pain meds, IV Tylenol, and bags of fluid were hooked up to you, rehydrating you being high priority. Your body is in shock, resting heartrate being 140. He sat by your side the entire time, holding your puke bag in one hand, and your hair back in the other. The doctors drew blood, running blood cultures, searching for a more accurate answer.

The night you were admitted, they informed you that your kidneys were so infected that one got injured. The bile that was thrown up was caused but how hard you were puking, pulling it up from your kidneys.

He stayed the night, sleeping in the rocking chair, right next to your bed. He woke up when your fevers came back, holding your hand and telling you how good you're doing, calling in a nurse. The morning that followed, he had to go back to the house to make a bag of your immediate needs, clothes, deodorant, hairbrush, and anything else he could think of. When he came back, a doctor and a couple med students came in with important news.

"We ran blood cultures to see if there was possible an infection in your blood due to your symptoms leaning towards that. They came back positive. We are going to give you antibiotics and run cultures every 12 hours to track if the antibiotics are working" The doctor says as gently as possible.

The room begins to feel like it's spinning. Sepsis has a 68% mortality rate, and knowing how deadly it is, it feels like you're already being buried. Simon looks to you with a confused look, not knowing exactly what that it, but knowing it isn't good.

"I have sepsis?" You ask in a quiet voice, throat constricting.

"Yes" The doctor says softly.

"Oh fuck I'm gonna die" you whisper under your breath, tears forming.

Simon looks to you, eyes widening. 'Not again'

"Wait, the hell is Sepsis?" He demands, but not sounding confident, more scared than anything.

The doctor explains it to him, how it when your blood is infected, how the infection can latch onto your other organs and slowly kill you from the inside out. Once it reaches your brain, it's too late. His grip on your hand tightens. The doctor tries to give hope, but she can only do so much without lying. She leaves to give you privacy.

It's silent, neither of you speaking out of shock. The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the IV machine and Simon's shaky breathing. Your thumb softly glides back and forth over the back of his hands, trying to ground him.

"Si" you softly call.

It takes hour to get him to loosen up a little. It's only when you manage to keep down a popsicle that he feels like he can breath a little easier. Like maybe you'll be part of the 32% that pull through.

That sliver of hope is crushed that night, being woken up by his arm being slapped repeated by you in a panic. His eyes meet yours, concern instantly written on his face. Your hand is on your chest as short, sharp breaths are the only thing you can manage.

"I,, can't,, breath,," you whisper between breaths, unable to say a sentence in one go.

"Baby it's alright, jus' try to breath wit' me, hm?" he tries to demonstrate slow breathing, mistaking it for a panic attack.

"not a,, panic,, attack,, please,, nurse,," you try to tell him.

He nods in a panic, running out to the nurse station and explaining. They rush in and take your pulse-ox just to see your oxygen percentage is at 86% when it should be above 95%. They try to do the deep breathing again before Simon interrupts them.

"It's not a bloody panic attack, she literally can't breath. Get her oxygen or somethin' before she fuckin' suffocates!"

They put you on oxygen until they can get you an X-ray. The nurses try to chalk it up to a panic attack until in the morning they see you still can't breath. They give you an X-ray and when the results come back, they send the doctor in. She informs you that the nurses gave you too much IV fluid and that caused your organs to swell so much that they pushed up on your lungs, collapsing them by 3/4ths. 1/4th of your lungs are still open and they're going to take you off fluid, start you on exercises to open them back up, and keep you on oxygen.

That's the last straw for Simon. Once you fall asleep for a nap, he heads outside to the bench area and punches a wall. His knuckles split but he barely feels it, ringing in his ears drowning out the surrounding noise. With no one around, he sits on a bend, elbows on knees and face in his hands. His breath picks up as his throat tightens and tears threaten to rip out of him.

"Why would ya let this happen to 'er? Aren't you supposed to be lovin'?" He whispers into the wind, looking up at the sky, "That girl in't like me. She's the fuckin' sunshine in human form and she's on death's bloody doorstep."

Tears cloud his vision, unable to keep it in any longer. He blinks them away, falling onto his clenched fists. Years of praying, to a god he later grew to resent, for him to fix his family. A child kneeling at his bed, begging him to get his family out of his father's grasp. Once he got to his teenage years, his desperation became resentment and anger. His jaw began to clench when his drunken father would spew bible verses at him to condemn him. He realized God wouldn't save him, nor would he when Simon's family was ripped from him.

Yet here he was, back to that same god, desperate that maybe, just maybe, he'd have mercy on him this time. He believed himself a rotten man, even if it was subconscious, unworthy of the angel sent to him. His light, reparations for the mistreatment The Father had destined for him.

"You sent 'er to me, it's gotta be for a reason. You've never listened to my prayers before but just this fuckin' once, please don't ignore me." His voice breaks, openly sobbing with no sound, "You sent 'er to me and now I can't live without 'er. She's fuckin' everythin' to me. Don't take back your gift, please" The end of his sentence slips into a whisper.

He wipes his tears on his sleeve and sniffles hard, trying to erase the evidence of his vulnerability. He stands and walks to the door, looking back at the bench before turning back to the door and walking in. 'Amen'

[mintsv]

haunted house w/ gunwook !! ⁺ ☁⋆

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bf!park gunwook x gn!reader

synopsis : scenarios / imagines / drabbles or whatever on being in a haunted house with bf!gunwook, very fluffy and just very domestic fluff no angst 🙏

wc : 0.5k i think

-> note : idk what to call this but this is my first time doing these bcs im currently going through a gunwook phase, i hope you like it :)

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the moment you and gunwook enter, you were already on the verge of pissing your pants. gunwook noticed how you were basically as still as a stick so he held your hand, rubbing his thumbs on the back of it to reassure you that he was there.

"It's okay none of it is real y/n, besides you have me, i'll protect you." he would say a bunch of encouraging words but deep inside he was as giddy as a little kid and he found you adorable when you get scared and instinctively clutch onto him like a koala.

this is pretty obvious but since gunwook is GIANT i feel like he would try his best to protect you from the 'ghosts' since he doesn't get scared easily he'd giggle a bit at you but he wouldn't actually judge you for it he just thinks you're adorable.

gunwook would get SOOO much butterflies the moment you hold onto his bicep or hide your face in his back whenever you were scared, it'll just give him that slight ego boost and the feeling of you being really close and touchy with him made his heart beat 10x quicker, eventually he'd forget all about the ghosts.

of course the entire time your hands were either intertwined or there was never more than 5 meter distance between the two of you, it looked like you two were literally stuck like super glue and i bet the person in the cctv room was bawling their eyes out.

gunwook's smile would NOT leave his face the entire 30 minutes you were in there, everything you did made him starstruck even though you were literally scared shitless.

at one point the two of you had to split to solve a certain puzzle, gunwook solved it first and waited for you. the moment you finally cracked it, you ran towards gunwook and hugged him real tight.

"i missed you, i thought i was gonna die there." you mumble into his chest to which he responds with another giggle, he doesn't complain though and he hugs you back and you guys took a solid 2 minutes just hugging before the instructor told you to start moving again.

after what felt like agonizing hours for you, both of you finally reached the end. you let out a big sigh, leaning your head onto gunwook's shoulder while your hands were still intertwined

"can we never do that again, i don't think i can sleep today." you look up at him and gunwook couldn't help but grin widely again and he was sure his cheekbones were gonna ache after all the smiling he did.

"what about we watch a movie at my place? Barbie?" your eyes lit up for the first time after 30 minutes in the haunted house. gunwook took that as a yes and began walking, occasionally swaying your hands back and forth.

while binge watching barbie, you had completely forgotten about the prior events cause you were too busy cuddling with gunwook as the faint sound of barbies talking started to fade and you end up falling asleep in gunwook's arms.

-> again this is my first time i apologize if it's not very good ;)

[artificialbreezy]

okay so theoretically,,, idek if Matt smokes but i can’t stop thinking abt like,, fwb!Matt who shares his weed but only if you earn it. getting you to ride his thigh, praising you for being so good for him. talking you through it, one hand on your hip to guide you, the other pulling up your shirt so he can leave marks across your chest. he doesn’t even care if you’re making a mess on his pants, they can be washed, but the memory of you getting yourself off, using him to come undone? he could die a happy man

i am simply perishing

girl i’m fucking DEAD over this thought

i’m sorry i’m a sucker for fwb to lovers so don’t mind me

CW: poorly written smut, mentions of drug use (just weed but still), pet names, kinda filthy language, a lil bit of daddy kink bc Matt is in fact daddy. sorry LOL, no actual p in v smut just me rambling really and poorly written smutty themes (im trying bro)

NSFW below the cut ◡̈

but maybe there was a rule of no kissing. kissing equals feelings ya know? so that’s the big rule. like he doesn’t mind kissing your neck down to your chest, but the face? off limits. until today. he’s tired of hiding how feels. he just wants you to be his. he’s tired of people staring at you when you’re in public and his friends making comments about how hot you are. he knows it all. he knows he said no strings attached, but after a year of sleeping together and hanging out all the time he couldn’t help it. so when he woke up that morning and sent you the “hey, wanna come smoke with me?” text, he knew something was gonna happen. he knew he was either reading the situation wrong and this was gonna end the relationship or he was not reading the situation wrong and he’s gonna walk away with a partner.

he was pulled away from his thoughts when he heard his front door open and saw you walk in. “hey dollface.” he smiled towards you. “hi Matty” you blushed his way. you'd think after everything you two had done you wouldn't be so nervous around the man in front of you. You couldn't help it. after the year you've really gotten to know Matt, you couldn't help but feel a certain way. you couldnt help but want to make him happy, you lived to hear his praise. whether that's in his bedroom or around all your friends. you just wanted him to be proud of you. to look at you like you were the only person around, but he said at the very beginning "no strings, honey. you can do that right?" and as much as it hurt to know at any moment he could call it quits, you were just happy to have him in some capacity.

Matt was in front of you with his hands on your waist before you had time to get out of your head. "I have a preroll with your name on it, if you want it of course. you know I'll never force you into it." you chuckled a little, "have I ever told you no before?" he pulled your face to his, lips brushing against yours ever so gently. "never, cause you're my good girl huh?" you nodded against his lips. too scared that if you spoke, he'd move away from you. scared that maybe you were imagining his lips against yours. like this was all some dream. it wasn't until Matt closed the slight gap between the two of you that you realized he was doing this. he broke his rule. there were strings, pulling you to each other and this was proof.

Matt was pulling you towards his couch while his mouth was on yours and his hands traveling down your body until he landed on your ass. he pulled away for a spilt second, just long enough to fall back and pat his lap, signaling you to have a seat. you crawled into his lap, your legs on either side of him. he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to your lips before he spoke up. "I want you, no. I need you to show me something. can you do that for me baby?" nodding, you said "anything you want Matt." "I need you to show me how badly you need me. I need to know how you feel. I need to feel you make a mess all over my pants. I need you to show me what you need."

His hands were on your hips, guiding you against his thigh. "come on, baby. need to hear how good you feel. how good I'm making you feel. when I'm not even inside you." whimpering as you picked up speed, chasing a high you were desperate to feel. "daddy.." "oh there she is, come on sweet girl. I know you want to. can you be my best girl? can you give daddy what he wants?" you nodded vigorously. “uh huh. uh huh anything you want.” “that’s a good girl. I know you’re close. give me what I want and i’ll make it worth your while angel.” that was enough to push you over the edge. Matt helped move your hips once he saw your body stutter so he could help you ride out your high. you slowly stopped, leaning your head against Matt’s shoulder trying to catch your breath.

“sweetheart, we gotta talk about some things.” Matt rubbed your back as he spoke. you nodded against him, scared of what he was going to say to you now. “i’d like to take you on a date, kiss you a bunch more times because now that i’ve gotten a taste i don’t think i can go back and hold your hand in public. if you’ll let me of course.” you didn’t answer him, not trusting your voice. you sat up, grabbed the boys face and connected your lips once again.

[artdcnaldson]

keep having thoughts about………….. soft patrick. like idk emotional sappy drunk patrick. but thinking of like. you’ve been best friends with the boys forever. well. since you joined the academy idk. sneaking out of the girl dorms one night to go meet patrick on one of the courts. art doesn’t wanna come…….idk scared he’s gonna get in trouble or something……….. is eepy…. whatever. so anyways just you and pat. sitting on the courts sharing a cig and whatever random bottle of vodka he could find. like blue raspberry flavor or something dumb that he stole from a party idk.

but thinking about just sitting there talking to him… having heart to hearts. he gets sloshed. and idk tells you about how he’s kinda in love with art. which makes u die laughing bc. DUH!!! you’ve known that since the minute you met them. it’s obvious. to you at least since you spend so much time w them. poor sweetie patrick is so 🤕🤕🤕 thinking you’re laughing at him until you tell him that. you #know.

alternately…… this but he talks about how he’s in love with art. AND you…… sigh

sweet baby drink pat …..

- 🩰 (i remembered this time. yippee)

OHHHHHHHH

But yeah <3 you and Patrick make a habit of sneaking out onto the outdoor courts near the boys’ dorms <3 You bring your marshmallow vodka and a few bottles of Gatorade for mixers, he brings his blue raspberry vodka and his cigarettes. You just sit on the court in the humid Florida air and watch lightning in the distance as you share swigs and drinks. It’s a few weeks until graduation, until you and Patrick and Art all go your separate ways.

Patrick’s the most upset about bit, not that any of you are particularly excited to part ways. Art’s going to Stanford, you’re going to Penn State, and Patrick is going on tour. The next time you’d see each other was completely unknown— even holidays were going to be impossible.

You’re on the right side of tipsy, but Patrick hasn’t slowed down since you started drinking.

And things move to Art after a while, as they always do. Patrick’s sitting all close, his breath hot and smelling like vodka as he goes on and on about how good Art’s going to do at Stanford, that he’s probably going to meet cool guys on the tennis team, that he’s going to get a girlfriend and totally ignore Patrick and forget he even exists.

And Art doesn’t even want to play doubles with Patrick in the ATP— doesn’t want to be a team anymore. Probably hates Patrick, actually. Yeah, he hates patrick, and he doesn’t even care that Patrick loves him so much. That Patrick’s loved him and prioritized him since they were twelve and it all meant nothing at all.

That he hates Art for going to Stanford and leaving him behind and his life is going to be So good while Patrick’s turns to shit. And you he says you don’t even get to argue, because you know it’s true.

Patrick keeps drinking until you practically have to carry him back to his dorm, give Art a look and tell him to please keep an eye on him, not to let him puke in his sleep. To make sure he gets water. You know Art’s going to do it, you know he loves Patrick too.

[the-record]

PLEASSSSSEEEEE CAN I GET AN ANGSTY ABBY X READER ON MY KNEES

phantom pain

misleading photos ish bc angsty abby!!!!!!!

so tbh abby speaks 0 times in this but idc. ellie and dina r the best tho! also so sorry it took so long to get to this 😭 have not been motivated at all

ALSO I PROMISE ELLIE IS IN THIS PLATONICLY BUT SHE IS ITS NOT IN THE ELLIE TAGS FOR NO REASON TY HAVE A GOOD DAY!

not proofread!!!

lyrics from ‘phantom pain / the rapture’ by leanna firestone !

my masterlist

you weren’t vital to my survival its just what it felt like

the door slamming shook ellie and dina out of their haze, both heads turning to see who walked in.

“dude, watch it the neig- shit. are you okay?” ellie quickly switched over as she saw the tear streaks on your face. both she and dina rushed over, pulling you to the couch.

“babe, what happened? i thought you were on a date with abby tonight?” dina treaded lightly, scared to upset you more. unfortunately, the blondes name only brought more tears to your shiny eyes. she shushed you, pulling you close to her.

“i just,” you pulled away from dina. “i think im gonna sleep this off.” your fingers wiped the salty tears from your face, finding your lap afterwards. “yea, im gonna go to bed.”

“i just,” you pulled away from dina. “i think im gonna sleep this off.” your fingers wiped the salty tears from your face, finding your lap afterwards. “yea, im gonna go to bed.”

“i just,” you pulled away from dina. “i think im gonna sleep this off.” your fingers wiped the salty tears from your face, finding your lap afterwards. “yea, im gonna go to bed.”

ellie and dina watched with concern as you slowly grabbed your bag and headed to your door.

“what. the. fuck.”

it didn’t kill me to lose you i just thought that it might and right when i think i’m finally fine

“welcome back to the land of the living, princess.” ellie smiled, teasing you as you finally ventured out your room.

you’d holed up in bed for days, only getting out for food and the bathroom. dina was close to intervening, but ellie convinced her you’d come out on your own.

you hummed in acknowledgment, eyeing her pancakes and bacon and making a b-line towards it. ellie tried to swat your hands away as you reached for her food, but you hit back. “i’ve barely had any sustenance, you want me to pass out, hit my head, and die, ellie? hm?”

ellie grunted, pulling her plate closer to her as you walked away with a piece of bacon in hand.

“babe ill make you more relax.” dina’s voice rang as you made your way to the kitchen. “hungry my love?” you nodded and she laughed, not shocked in the slightest. “go shower and i’ll have some ready for you. you reek.”

the girls made it their mission to keep you preoccupied from thinking of abby. a movie marathon, a couple pizzas and puzzles, and some reading, and they managed to get you out of the house for some fun.

happy and confident, ellie and dina led you to your favorite spot to go together.

“im gonna go grab a couple drinks, ill be back.” they both nodded with a smile and watched as you headed to the bar.

the healing is done its been enough time thats when, it sinks back in

you ordered all of your drinks, and stood waiting for them. you looked around the room, taking in all of the people and music.

an all too familiar blonde filled your vision. hyper focused on her stupid braid, and stupid arm around some stupid girl.

not even two weeks and she had found someone new?

ellie noticed you out of the corner of her just in time to watch you push out the door. “fuck...” she grabbed dina’s hand and rushed out to you but saw abby first. she nodded at you for dina to go after while she hung back. “hey, abby! what the fuck?”

dina watched you gasp for the breath outside the door. she grabbed your face in her hands, focusing you on her and her breathing.

“what about vermont?” a finger drew small doodles over your chest as your fingers ran through blonde locks.

“vermont?” abby laughed, looking up to you. “what’s in vermont?” she questioned, stopping her tracings.

“i dont know... its stupid but ive always wanted to go. my sister and i used to plan to live their when i got older.” you smiled fondly, pushing her away from her face. “its pretty, lots of trees. could live in the middle of nowhere. nevermind.” you frowned, looking away back to the movie.

“hey, no.” she turned your face back to hers, a smile on her face. “its not stupid. promise. sorry i teased.” she tickled her finger into you. “forgive me? please, oh so kind amazing lover, please forgive me!”

you laughed at her antics and gave in. “mm, fine. no more though.” she nodded, pressing a kiss to your lips and laying back down.

“so vermont it is...”

the invisible and incurable pain of

“fuck me.” you laughed, leaning into dina. “shes so horrible but god, i miss her.”

she nodded, a sad smile on her face. “i know. it’ll get better though, i promise. and y’know... karmas coming for her.” you both giggled as ‘karma’ walked out the door. “what’d you do?”

“ripped her a new one, thats what i did!” ellie showed off her newly bruised knuckles, making dina gasp and rush over while you laughed. “and whats so funny to you chuckles?”

“only you would say ‘ripped her a new one’!”

“hey, you didn’t have joel for a father.”

“... and then she pulled out a chair for me? like what? i mean, what a gentleman but like who taught you that, you know?” dina nodded, snacking on the popcorn you made. “anyways, we had dinner, which sucked by the way, and she’s like ‘wanna get out of here?’ and im just like, ‘what 2000’s movie am i in right now?”

“as much as i love your little commentary for your own story,” ellie teased, “please get this moving, i have class soon.” she checked her watch as she spoke, nudging you to continue.

“anyways. we went to this park i honestly thought she was gonna murder me, and we just like talked. like about everything and it was really cathartic. and then she kisses me! and dude it was like, amazing. best kiss ever. and she took me back to her place and...”

“oh gay people,” dina sighed. “wish someone did that to me.”

“hey!” ellie yelled, knocking her shoulder. “youre so lucky i have class.” she threatened, leaning in to kiss dina as she headed out. “love you, have fun!”

“can i be brutally honest?” you wondered aloud. dina hummed, looking to you expectantly. “i almost hoped for someone like abby. i just... i don’t necessarily miss her, just us, you know? and i wanted that back.” you let out a breath, leaning against her shoulder. “but im so happy she wasnt. she was so, so much better.”

losing a limb.

@lov9r

[itsjaywalkers]

if you have any jegulus thoughts to share I'll give you £10 for them <3

babe you never have to pay me to talk about jegulus <3 if anything, you have to pay me to shut up about them bc they're always on my mind and i'm obsessed with them

anyways i don't know if any of this is gonna sound coherent bc it's 2am and i'm about to go to sleep (another 8 hours tomorrow at work. yay.) but i've been thinking of . canon compliant lately (bc i do wanna write some jegulus set on the canon universe) and how a lot of people tend to think that james would never fall for someone like regulus, especially bc of the sirius situation, or that even if he did, he'd never forgive him for . the dark mark or becoming a death eater

but i see james as the kind of character who's inherently attracted to darkness, not exactly to what he considers is Bad but to what's Wrong or Broken, as in, it can still be fixed. i think this is why he was so drawn to sirius, he's very morally grey regardless of his hatred for his family's values (which wasn't even a thing at the beginning imo, i'm sure james and the others had to correct sirius a lot and they were the ones who actually helped him realise how bigoted his relatives were). james has always had the perfect parents the perfect home the perfect childhood. ofc he couldn't help but be fascinated by the other side

i think that his interest in regulus was born out of this morbid desire of wanting to get close to what he viewed as Wrong. besides, he was sirius' little brother, and i'm sure that, if nothing else, sirius spoke well of him during his first year. there had to be some curiosity there

i also think that his hero complex played a part in it. james believed he could help, believed he could fix sirius' relationship with his brother for him, believed he could make regulus Good again

once the feelings shifted, though, i feel like it was . everything james thought love was but also . the complete opposite . it was beautiful, and genuine, and sincere, but it was also greedy, and painful, and ugly. james brought out the best in regulus while simultaneously breaking him from the inside, giving him what he had pretended he didn't want but reminding him at the same time that he could never have it, not really. it had an expiry date. james was never really his. and regulus brought out the worst in james, all that parts of him he had tried his best to bury, every trait he had thought he had left behind after growing up a little and maturing some. james is someone who sees everything very black or white, always moving on extremes, but being with regulus would teach him about all these shades of grey. and it'd scare him. it'd make him doubt if he's actually a good person

they're both doomed by the narrative, but for opposite reasons. james is so loved he has to die, and regulus is never loved enough, never cared for enough, so he also has to die

it's just as dangerous for the universe to care too much about you as it is for it to not care about you at all

[collectivecloseness]

I have this angsty mess of ideas that I don't know how to put together but I'm gonna try to explain it. So like Steve has been in love with you since like forever and you become friends in season one blah blah blah you're inseparable etc, you have the tendency saving Steve's ass everytime but then you die while saving him and steve never got the chance to confess (not really that important but I guess it adds emotional damage idk) he obviously blames himself for it and everytime his phone rings he answers with the hope that for some fucked up reasons it's you and you're actually still alive but stuck in the upside down. Everyone is concerned about him bc it feels like he's slowly going crazy and is very much delusional.

Idk if that's like very long or makes no sense at all so sorry in advance, your eyes must be bleeding after reading this. :/

Robin being the one to always check on Steve after he loses you. She knew what you meant to Steve, most shifts mentioned you, and your recent interactions with Steve, most nights were him- were the both of them, talking on the phone about you. She loved the whole will they won’t they, and the puppy love gossip with Steve. Now she wished she’d pushed more, at least Steve would feel better if you’d known.

Robin’s learnt to be more open and vulnerable, since she’s been the one to look after Steve, being emotional and like a true friend, rather than snarky and quippy and teasing with him. She’s always coming in to check on him with her key to his house, pressing her hand on his shoulders each time she says hi, unless she’s rushing to comfort him again.

Robin tells him a few times “You know I said I can move in, or we could both move to our own place! I’m lonely! Besides, I love spending time with my best friend.” Robin’s been encouraging it. Her and Steve had breiefly passed the ideas before, before you, but she got the feeling back then they both badly would have liked it, living together, but neither wanted to be the first to come on too strong and vulnerable. It was different now. And Robin really didn’t want Steve to be lonely either. Besides, Robin came over to Steve’s literally every day she could anyway.

But to Steve, Robin wasn’t you. He still loves Robin, as her own person and his friend, he doesn’t compare you two at all. But Steve worried the constant company might make him go crazier than he already feels. It also wouldn’t allow for any of his unhealthier coping mechanisms. Steve would argue in his head, even crying or screaming himself to sleep, he wouldn’t be able to do anymore, but he’d done that in front of some of his friends anyways.

Robin, Nancy, Eddie, Dustin, all of his friends all worried about him. Max, Lucas and El had come over yesterday. Joyce makes sure to drop by a couple of times a week at least. Robin came every day, while the others did sometimes, varying in frequency. They knew Steve wasn’t healthy.

Sometimes, Steve whipped his head to the side, out of nowhere, or maybe with a small sound one of them picked up, from years of fear of monsters from other dimensions. But they knew it wasn’t Steve being scared of bumps in the night. It was because he thought he may have heard you. It was a glimmer of hope, just for a second, and they hated seeing it shatter each time.

Steve did worry about bumps in the night too. Steve worried about the next time he’d have to fight, no matter what it might be. Because this time, no one would come to save him.

You were always the first to come for him. You specifically sought Steve out first, checked on him first, he was always your first choice, the one you always checked on, the one you’d always save. You were with Steve for all his fuck ups. You’d seen him grow, and he knows you’d never judged him for his past once he actually got better. Not once. No one else had done that. But you also made Steve better. And he was still scared he won’t be as much now, without you.

But on the other hand, Steve wasn’t sure he really wanted anyone to save him next time. If the next time he dies saving the others, then whatever. He couldn’t save you. At least he could be with you then.

No one would be designated to check Steve first, to save him first, and that’s what he got. Steve always put himself in front of danger first, and now he’d lost you, there would be no one to save him. It was his price.

Steve wanted to go back straight after. He wanted to go back for you the next day, and the day after. To the place he’d left you. At the end of the week, he told Robin his plans, with his rucksack already on his back. And not only did she physically hold Steve to the floor, but she locked all the doors as she walkied Eddie and Nancy - not the kids, she knew when Steve was better, even now, he wouldn’t want the kids to see him like this - and Eddie had to bear hug Steve so he wouldn’t try to leave, while all of them gently tried to talk their friend down. They said it was a suicide mission! And that’s when Steve screamed “I DON’T CARE!” Trapped in his friends arms. Screaming those words not enough overemotionally, but too genuinely, that it really got them worried. Steve was still fighting to leave. He had collapsed into tears after that. He wanted to go and he meant it.

Nancy wanted to sedate him by that point, because she was too worried Steve would leave. But Robin put her foot down at that thought. It would create a super bad spiral, and Steve wouldn’t trust them, she knew they had to do something else! Luckily Robin thought of something. Mixed in with Steve’s yells at Eddie, Eddie trying to talk to Steve, and Nancy on edge and trying to not look as upset as she probably was while getting Robin to think of something else before she snapped.

Robin called the number she knew to, and soon afterwards, Joyce was entering Steve’s home with her own spare key. Joyce let Steve cry into her lap, and she stroked his back, talking when Steve wanted to, only lulling her own assurances when he didn’t, and just soothing Steve, until he fell asleep like that, in his room with her. Robin knew Steve wouldn’t fight Joyce to leave, or yell too much at her or anything. Steve had fallen asleep early in the afternoon, and Nancy didn’t even need to sedate him because he stayed asleep, luckily for the entire night. Joyce wouldn’t leave. She wanted to stay until morning, she didn’t want to leave Steve overnight, or at all right now.

Joyce even made breakfast the morning after, making sure to stay by Steve’s side because he’d always eat her cooking if she was there. And it was a sickly sweet feeling for everyone watching whenever that happened, because Steve would take a few bites and then finish his plate clean. But they knew he’d probably only had a few bites the day before, with how much he gorged on Joyce’s dishes when she was around to eat with him.

Robin stayed in bed with Steve most nights for sleepovers. That night Joyce had, which she’d done quite a few times. Nancy or Eddie had done it several times more, too. Sometimes Steve would say look, he really just wanted tonight alone. And if they trusted the way he said it, he got that. They understood sometimes he did need that. But Robin also hates leaving Steve alone, because she knows nights are worse for him (and in general as well). She didn’t want to be overbearing though, something friends when she was younger would stop being her friends for, but a trait she’d stopped shielding when she needed to be Steve’s open support. But to be honest, even if Steve couldn’t mourn as well if he wasn’t alone at night, those mostly seemed like mourning in the destructive ways.

Steve knew he was safe with Robin, or Nance, or Eddie, or Joyce there, from monsters, and from himself. Not that he was thinking of that last part, he was trying to convince them, but he wasn’t very good at stopping his brain from eating himself alive, because he didn’t feel like he wanted to stop. He wanted punishment.

At one point, after you’d died, Eddie had tried to give Steve something of yours, an item he got from your house when he went to visit your family. When he’d explored your now, forevermore, empty room. But Steve had a moment, and was mad that Eddie had ruined your shirt, forever tainting it with his smell, and his touch, and not leaving it the way you had the day you’d gone to meet Steve and the others. Steve had later apologised for freaking out on Eddie about it. Something Eddie casually waved his hand over, promising Steve never could be freaky, and saying it was okay, he was sorry too. Steve didn’t really want to think about anymore. That top still felt slightly tainted, no matter how ridiculous Steve knew it was. He just didn’t have much left of you, that was still untouched. That was yours, and had still last been touched, moved, adored, by you. So Robin didn’t bring Steve things from your house. She’d just tell him if she found something, if he wanted to look at it, or go over later. To which Steve would generally just nod at her.

Steve had had a few moments, but luckily, he’d had friends there every single time. No matter how different the moments were. If it was him spiralling, down dangerous paths for himself. Him accidentally spooking someone, maybe by lashing out, or just not having the energy to look after someone else, even if they were upset because of his crumbling. Including the ones, where Steve would adamantly deny the facts in front of him. It was like the first two days, Steve knew you were dead. And he always did, of course. The fact never left his soul. But after that things changed, and became slightly more of a purgatory, Steve always seemed even just a fraction hazy.

One time Robin had come back to Nancy crying, and Steve sobbing loud like a broken child on the floor. Steve had sworn it was you who had called. But he’d missed the call, running and slipping since he’d been in the shower when it rang. Nancy and Robin guessed he’d been thinking about you. And with a hand to his forehead between his wails on the floor, Robin knew he’d made the water too hot, again. Steve had tried to call back, but it wouldn’t work. And he yelled at Nancy for not picking up the phone, but that was only after she’d tried to gently remind him that it couldn’t be you. And then Steve had done everything to try and call back, almost breaking his phone till Nancy had wrestled it away from him. And when he realised he couldn’t, either call back, or call you, Robin hadn’t quite gotten through to him about it, Steve had collapsed into pained sobs, so distraught, and so unable to be taken out of his pain, that Nancy was sobbing too.

El had left inconsolable once, because Steve had asked multiples times if she could somehow contact you in the upside down. No one had realised, Steve had gotten El to agree one time, until she called Joyce crying because she couldn’t find you, and now she couldn’t get Steve to talk, he just had his head in his hands. But the next day, when El came to visit, with chocolates she always liked to give Steve since she heard they were good for making people happy, he’d apologised and she was herself quite easily again. Something Robin was very relieved with, knowing it would have wrecked Steve if he thought he’d hurt one of the kids.

Dustin had been turned away by Eddie before, on days Steve said he didn’t want to see anyone, which if he said that exactly, made people come over to check if he was okay. And on a day Steve wasn’t doing very well, and had Nancy and Robin bandaging his hands up because he’d punched a mirror, swearing he saw you in the reflection in a blink of his eye, and thinking for that split second maybe it was a gateway to the upside down. Although they were pretty relieved he realised that wasn’t the case straight away, no one wanted Dustin to see Steve like that, least of all Steve. But even Dustin’s visits, as the encouraging little brother, didn’t always bring a smile to Steve’s face, even a fake one he couldn’t muster. Some days, there was just little that could help.

Robin thought maybe Steve only sometimes thought this, even if there was a 0.5% chance always in the back of his head, that maybe, somehow, you were still alive somewhere. It wouldn’t matter where, because then Steve would find you. Robin wished more than anything they had your body, mostly for you, but also for Steve, and for all your friends and family. But she wasn’t going to risk anyone, to go on a suicide mission. And she didn’t want anyone else to leave Steve either. Steve wouldn’t always bring it up. But occasionally there’d be flare ups, where Steve would go on about how you could be out there. Robin was the one who’d decided she’d never flat out disagree with Steve if he got like that. He always needed one person he felt like he could always trust. So even though she never encouraged it, even if for the first week, and now she still had that 0.4% chance in the back of her mind, she’d more try to go through why Steve thought that, and be by his side as the others tried to explain.

But Robin felt at least slightly successful with every little breakthrough she and Steve had together. She was normally there for his, even if she wasn’t the one helping him get to that point anyways. But the biggest breakthrough came a night, where the day leading up to it had been pretty normal.

Keith had actually been very generous with bereavement leave for Steve, even indulging Robin every time Steve called the store in tears, panicking, and needing Robin back immediately. Today had been okay. None of them were good. But she’d come over about 9am, Eddie calling right before he knew she’d leave, to say he was dropping off McDonald’s breakfast for them both just before ten, because he had to go help his uncle with some errands today.

Robin had helped set out a fresh set of clothes for Steve, ones Nancy had left in a pile in his room yesterday afternoon when she’d been with him. Robin smiled at her little post it notes Nancy left around, for Steve, and for his friends around the house. But Robin setting out Steve’s clothes always helped kick him up just a notch enough to get out of bed and go shower. Eddie had stayed for fifteen minutes, and Steve had even watched this time as he and Robin threw hash browns off each other’s faces. Steve sometimes found it hard to watch, when other people were smiling. Robin had been really proud of him today.

Then Steve even picked out what they should have for lunch, and although Robin wasn’t sure Steve could exactly be craving a salad, she was still really happy he’d suggested something, and got to work on Nancy’s refrigerated Tupperware boxes and groceries. Nancy liked to cut things up when she had the time. Robin was pretty slow no matter what she had to cook, because otherwise she was clumsy, and no one liked to focus on something and leave Steve alone. Nancy probably chopped things up yesterday when Joyce came to visit Steve as well.

The one time Robin cut her finger when cooking for Steve with Eddie, Steve had had a full blown panic attack, but he also either thought it was your blood he was seeing, or remembered yours. Steve threw the knife to the side, grabbing Robin’s wrists and panicking, until she soothed him into remembering where he was, and who he was with, and that she was unharmed, and when Steve was back, Eddie could take him away for a second while Robin found the newly restocked first aid kit. The other times she’d hurt herself since, she’d hidden them from Steve’s sight very quickly.

Steve had picked between a variety of activities Robin suggested after lunch, and two person board and card games it had been. Everyone had been buying or donating games to the Harrington household, even the kids had been giving theirs over. So Steve never was bored of any of the games, and he could play them.

Hopper and Karen had actually both taught Steve how to play solitaire, when Mike and El had dropped off some more game to donate. A joke even Steve gave a breathy chuckle at when Eddie said there two people to explain the most famous one player game. But Robin was glad Steve might have something to do to take his mind off things when alone. She knew focusing could be hard sometimes right now for him, so she got that they both tried to explain the game. Also, Karen and Hopper did talk over each other quite a bit in explanation.

But after that, Robin had whipped something quick together for dinner, and Steve had stayed to talk with her in the kitchen the entire time. He even got out glasses and some soda. Even though Robin did most of the talking, Steve took part, which was good. But also, Steve liked talking with Robin. Because she’d talk so much, and be so passionate about what she was saying, he didn’t even need to say much to be part of the conversation, and it was something about his best friend he really appreciated at the moment, even though he used to joke about never getting a word in edgeways. Eddie was a bit the same.

Steve held the remote as they channel surfed, sitting on the couch together with their meals on their laps, since neither of them really liked the silence while eating, and Robin was pretty talked out after finishing her story in the kitchen.

But when Steve had flicked through two news channels, he froze as he immediately recognised the scene in front of him. It was from a romance film you loved, about two thirds of the way through. Steve recognised it from the first frame, from the first note of its score, as he turned over the channel.

Robin recognised it too, although she hadn’t watched it fully, and she hadn’t watched it nearly as many times as Steve had with you. She tried to keep her face blank as she looked to Steve, only a light questioning, curious expression, to see how he was feeling, before she let any of her own thoughts and feelings make him spiral. But Steve simply said “Gotta put something on, the food.” and picked up his fork, turning the volume up enough to cover any chewing sounds, like he’d done for Robin since the first time they watched tv and ate together. That had been long before he lost you.

Steve had finished quickly, but that was just a few scenes before the most important part of the romance film. The confession scene. And Steve was crying before it had even started.

Tears streamed down his face, the two leads finally starting to open up, and explain how they were really feeling. His eyes not even brown, but looking black, so big and red ridden, his cheeks drowned. Robin felt her heart hammering watching Steve crushed again, but she tried to be the best friend she possibly could, as she was always learning to now. Robin reached just a little for the remote on the coffee table, eyes questioning on Steve. But he turned to her and shook his head, so she leaned back and kept the movie on. Steve watched the film, as Robin watched both it and him. Scooting even closer, so their sides were pressed together, as Steve continued to cry. And then, even Robin was tearing up. Especially as the scene continued. And Robin wrapped her arm around Steve’s waist, her other holding his closest hip, and they both quietly sobbed watching the love confession scene, of your favourite romantic movie you’d watched a thousand times.

Just a scene you never got to live out in your young life. A scene Steve never gave you.

Steve turned to Robin as the couple shared their first kiss, the happy score coming on as the confession was over, it all goes well, and with the way Steve’s shoulders are shaking and his chest is heaving, Robin knows he needs her. She immediately opens her arms, pulling Steve in who sobs heartily into her shoulder, all her shirts used to having snot and tears and spit on them now. And she cries too, quieter than Steve, but still all the same, as she rocks him, holding him close through his heart break, through his loss, through his pain, as Steve cries loud into his best friend.

Steve mumbles everything he’s said a thousand times over. How he’s lost you. How he needs you. How you can’t be gone. That Steve wants you. That you’re dead. And that word hits hard. That word took him a while to say, after the second day of screaming it.

And when Steve pulls back, and Robin holds him still, Steve looks deep into his best friends eyes, and he shakes as he tells her the one thing he still hasn’t said yet. “I loved them.”

And Robin rubs her hands up and down Steve’s arms, as she smiled so sadly, and wept so dearly. “I know.”

Steve hiccuped, and a small groan left him. Robin still smiling sadly, still stroking him. Steve looks down, but not a lot, and Robin can always tell Steve’s thoughts, even if it’s gotten harder now. Steve just wants to think.

“How did you?” He asks, sniffling, and swallowing.

Did you know too? Maybe if Robin knew... maybe you did too. Steve just wanted you to know. He should have given you that. But maybe if you knew... even if you didn’t feel the same way, maybe you knew somebody loved you, maybe you knew he saw you just like you did him, before you were stolen.

“Well first of all, you were very romantic, lover boy, always talking about them, always filling the world with your golden thoughts about them.”

Steve liked the way Robin spoke. He thought maybe she’d picked some stuff up from Eddie too. Even knowing his loving thoughts about you had been spoken into the world you’d been living in... even if it wasn’t the one your body was in now, it gave him just a flicker of hope. A bite less of guilt.

“And...” Robin faltered now. He hands falling to Steve’s wrists, and he looked up more inquisitive now.

“And they talked about their crush on you. It’d only been a couple of days before... into the whole upside down thing. Otherwise I’d have manoeuvred you two into each other as soon as I knew, even if I had to trick you and lock you dinguses in a room or something. But that’s all y/n talked about those days.

Steve sucked in air. People didn’t say your name much anymore. Probably scared of his reaction, but Steve missed it. He needed people to bring you up, to remember you, to say your name.

“All they talked about was how they’d been in love with you for years, but recently it was too much to bear, and they just had to tell you. I told them to go for it, that I thought you might realllly like them back! But, y/n wanted to wait to tell you after we saved the world.”

Robin looked up at Steve. He was still crying, and she was joining him again. Her hands squeezed his wrists, and Steve’s knees turned to face Robin those few centimetres more, leaning warmly against her own. “And I agreed. And I wanted to wait until you brought it up again. Until you said again, that you loved them, like you used to tell me every day.”

Robin had hoped it would be less painful that way. While Steve wished it had been you he’d been telling it to every day instead.

“And... was it the right thing to do?” Robin gasps for air with her sob, shaking under Steve now.

And his breaths were gasping, his best friends starting to mirror, as his head shook up and down. “Yeah... it was.”

Robin threw her arms around Steve again, and he moaned as he held her back, so so tightly. Gripping onto Robin’s shoulders like he’d never have to let go again, as Robin nearly scrambled on top of his legs. Both of them crying open mouthed into each others shoulders. Teeth and spit and tears latched on. Neither of the best friends caring about being any semblance of perfect, and not wrecked, not when they were with each other. And they held each other so tight, so hard, as if the grief in their hearts was a magnet, pushing them even closer, but Steve and Robin never wanted to let go of each other, to help the burden of that grief.

Steve and Robin missed you, so much.

[kadextra]

after my previous post, I decided to read ahead of the manhwa now bc I can’t wait!!! and I kinda feel like writing down some liveblog thoughts here while doing it :D

here we go, starting from chapter 184

[ MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!! DO NOT CLICK if you haven’t ever read before. I’m so serious its a lot of spoilers. pls just ignore this and scroll on ]

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ummm dokja saying “oh this scenario will be fine! don’t worry i’m prepared this will be problem-free & so very easy haha :)” + getting all emotional about his friends is setting off my red flag senses so hard. dokja you still have the fate message praying on your downfall….

dokja I’m scared. Dokja I Don’t Like This

ah. hah. the demon king guy is literally dead on the floor 🧍awesome

damn I knew this couldn’t be trusted and some plot twist would happen it was never going to be that simple. someone has to take the position now. I hate you nebulaes how about you catch these hands

OH NO JOONGHYUK?? YOU STUPID IDIOT STOP

my boys are fighting o(-(

yo wait turns out the world won’t reset even if he regresses??? but still :( he won’t be able to see this to the end and will get stuck back in the loop :(( joonghyuk has changed so much from the start and I’ve grown to like him a lot he doesn’t deserve this I’ll cry

OF COURSE DOKJA GONNA SACRIFICE HIMSELF INSTEAD. ITS HIS FAVORITE HOBBY!

dokja’s self reflection of how the reason he survived all the tragedies in his life is bc of TWSA & watching how joonghyuk never gave up…. the whole “it’s because you saved me so now it’s my turn to save you” from a person directed to their favorite character and their favorite story which was their life companion…. honestly I don’t quite have words to describe the way these lines make me feel. it’s just profound and deeply relatable

gilyoung my poor son he doesn’t want his hyung to die 😭

sighs it’s too late. at least demon king dokja looks cool…. now the wings fanart I’ve seen in passing makes sense…..

he’s a goner

I am going to be completely honest. I genuinely expected to be reading more of an epic shounen-style final battle where he uses all the cool corrupted demon powers and maybe goes a little wacky because that’s usually what happens in stories when the protagonist unlocks an evil power and has to fight his friends. NOT THIS????????

the situation has zero hope and he is just standing there one sidedly taking hits from his friends who are forced to kill him. while guiding them on how to do it. smiling and offering them words of encouragement. this is so devastating I feel sick

URIEL MY BABY seeing her cry is the worst it’s torture

of course his stigma is called sacrificial will

STOP

THAT ARTWORK

THEY ARE HIS LOVED FAMILY…… HE LOVES THEM ALL N JOONGHYUK WAS YHR PERSON HE LOVED MOST I CALLED IT I want to hit something

im full on crying now

all the constellations messages of they don’t wish for his death I’m not strong enough

reading this feels like getting ripped apart limb by limb

NO WAY THE FVGTIFJFJCKN HELD BY THE NECK THING RETURNS A THIRD TIME LIKE THIS??? STOOOPPPPPPPP

uriel T-T

he died

demon king of salvation

need to just lay here for a bit

ok I’m back joonghyuk is disassociating from the grief. relatable

“What if Yoo Joonghyuk went back and there was no Kim Dokja? or what if Kim Dokja never acted like this again? Yoo Joonghyuk was afraid of something for the first time.”

“He met Kim Dokja in his third regression and they became companions. Then he lost Kim Dokja”

he cares for him so much

a scenario without dokja.

whag did I just read

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UGH that was so good. emotional damage was an understatement now I get why ppl were warning me

why did I decide to do this in the middle of the night…. I need to stop now I’m tired but how am I going to sleep? im haunted with thoughts

it’ll take a bit longer for the manhwa to adapt this part but I’m honestly really glad I continued reading and got to imagine it all myself in detail first- it hit so hard. I’ll let it sit and take a few days break before I continue. excited to see how they adapt it into drawings and cry all over again cause this wound ain’t healing for a while

I have the need to recommend this story to all my friends and family

oh right!!!!

the other day I went through youtube animatics & saved some that I could watch when finishing certain chapters into a note (thank goodness most put a warning of when to watch in the first few seconds!)

since I finished 188, I get to watch this one :D

I just watched it

I cry myself to sleep

[kibblemode]

Give me some fun facts about tix please there was a point in time inwas kind of obsessed with him and had a folder in my phone of him

HELPPPP thats really good. right away micah🫡

tixs backstory (regarding how he came to be anyway) is intentionally left vague and untouched on bc 1. idfk. 2. its funny and 3. i want to leave it up to interpretation tbh. but at the same time it is canon that hes like at least a billion years old. much much older than his own mom which is silly but WHAT EVER.

this might not end up being final but i like to think the scar over his eye was from grem but probably by accident....idk tho...

speaking of when he shapeshifts into something/someone he keeps his freckles and the scar. bc i like it and i think getting rid of physical traits like that would be pretty hard. also the freckles are actually a recent change i drew eugene with freckles once and thought tix would look cute with them too and i was RIGHT

i dont think ive ever actually told anyone besides art what actually Happened to tixs wife...her name is risa basically they met pretty recently after tix broke up with grem and she died during complications after having tiabi ÷( so now anything having to do with that kind of stuff scares him...so u can imagine daffodil being born would make him lose his shit lol.

these pic is THE most on model pic of him ive drawn. he looks like this.

btw rare EARLY early gq art who the hell is this get him away from meholy fuck this pic is huge sorry

iirc hes one first of the post-gq reboot characters i made, meaning i actually made him in i think 8th or 9th grade just like lenarr + zach as opposed to 7th grade when i made the villains...this was back when gq was in rpg format he was supposed to be a tutorial character i think. also yes okay he was very heavily based on bill cipher bc i LOVED gravity falls at the time. it was that and some random pic on deviantart i couldbt find if i tried. also im gonna be real the concept of his little pocket dimension he uses as a substitute for internal organs is based on something i made up for something else fandom related thats so batshit insane im taking it to my grave

tix was supposed to die in the original cartoon version of gq....tbf he Did come back later but still. he no longer dies bc that plotpoint makes absolutely no sense now LOL

hes actually quite a good artist....see

personality wise hes literally just if dan from dan vs was an australian (oddly capable) single father with crazy powers. thats literally him. also hes not very emotionally mature in most situations BUT around tiabi hes literally a whole different person. to be a good role model i suppose

also this isnt lore related but its really really funny. one time a few years back someone on twitter gifted me voice acting for a pic of my ocs i drew (i dont have it anymore but trust me) and they gave tix a brooklyn accent. i STILL think that is fucking hilarious i drew this directly after. i can still hear him saying JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY ASS in the brooklyn accent and it makes me laugh whoever voiced that is my hero

btw did u know he cant taste things until After hes eaten them already. even then he can choose whether or not he even Wants to lol. also doesnt need to eat/drink/sleep but Can still feel ill effects of not doing those things sometimes just bc he was probably conditioned to

also he secretly is big into botany and collecting rare plants....probably bc his wife was a botanist...uu..

tix has most likely Met melody just bc of his status but doesnt actually like Know her as a person. this is a pretty big issue in the mothers day episode i have for s3/4ish

anddd jsyk his favorite band is ABBA. favorite song is voulez-vous

i cant think of much else but i like tix hes been the fan favorite for a really long time...also my first oc to have a kinnie iirc (i dont talk to them anymore BUT it did happen) hes literally my mary sue tumblr sexyman oc and its awesome

bomus pic from art. i could fill a book with all the fucked up tix pics hes drawn

[noodleshark]

Terror fam Headcannons 3

or i guess facts, since theyre my ocs now.

Raffi has an animal special interest

He has thought about what animals him and his family would be VERY IN DEPTH

Sori is awful with names

She named herself after her special interest(her name is sound in korean and her special interest is music)

She heard paru say the japanese word for friend before and picked up on it, you'll never guess what she came up with when yujin asked for a new name

When they get a cat, he names it the korean word for CAT

oh speaking of sori knowing korean: Raffi is Malaysian, Raine is brazilian, Yujin is british, sori's korean, obviously, and paru is japanese and british

Sori does not know shes korean

Raine can't spell in english and sori cant spell at all

Raffi likes bugs and refuses to wear bug spray. but then he'll get annoyed about being itchy from bites

During any holiday with fireworks he throws those popit things at raine's feet.

Raine would wear shoes in bed if paru didnt tell her she wont snuggle with her if she does that

Sori does that thing where sometimes if she wants to cuddle she'll just go inbetween those 2

one of the things from being a monster for a lil bit(design change pending), she can purr now!

When she was little she had a cat but she got seperated when she was 6

when raffi sees yujins eyes for the first time he just goes "harbor seal"

in july raine started to try to teach sori how to swim

Sori had an ED for a while so when one day he(nervously) asked raine to make something specific for one of their meals she was like "🥺 yeah of course!!!"

she always made them what they wanted when they asked for like 2 months

Along with the ED it also helped with sori's issues with control!!!

Oh related to the harbor seal comment: When Yujin saved sori from the bullies(name and lore change is an eventuality, those names are stand ins) she had a concussion and could see his eyes she was just like "kitty!!!"

Raine has seen multiple kids die from sicknesses so she gets very anxious when one of the others get sick

she usually can't sleep and just sits by their bed just to know they're still breathing

Yujin has a BIG sweet tooth

but he CANNOT handle sour stuff

whenever raffi has some sour candy he begs for some and raffi always warns him, yet yujin eats it anyways. everytime

When they have campfires together people switch out to sit with yujin because he's afraid of fire

Paru has picked up on some portugese from raine's flashbacks

she cant converse in the language though because its only stuff like "die" "died" "dead" "parents" "theyre dead" "im gonna die" "help (me)" "theyre gonna kill me"

Sori gets mobility aids when she's 11

Yujin likes outer space

he probably has a space blanket and telescope

Sori has a weighted blanket!

She puts it around herself when shes scared or upset about something that makes touch feel gross at the moment

Sori loves plushies and probably has the most cat plushies out of any animal or anything

She kept an orange cat plushie the broadcaster got when she was in the radio station with him

when raffi has flashbacks or freaks out really bad in a way that isnt a sensory meltdown, sori hides under a blanket or leaves the room so she wont freak him out more

one time she didnt, either it took her too long to realize what was happening or the first time it happened and he screamed as soon as he saw her

Raffi's worst sensory expirence is usually bright lights while Sori's is loud noises

Raine sometimes sings sori to sleep

When sori is cuddling with someone, espicially raine and paru but this also applies to yujin, it is SO hard for them to move bc they'll make a sleepy grumbly noise and also theyre baby, this is even worse during bad pain days

Raine eventually just started to carry sori around.

one time paru and raine had to have a serious conversation(about one of sori's traumas that paru just found out about and raine knew for a while) but sori was laying on paru's thigh so she just covered his ears

Yujin had a tough time transitioning to having his own room bc fears about being alone so he slowly adjusted by sleeping in sori's room a lot and slowly started to sleep in his more

Paru thinks that curly-afrotextured hair is fun to style to she likes to mess around with raine's

[green-pine]

Meh what can i say

I cant even draw that much lately

I feel like a black dot in a infinite whitespace

Im so confused and apathetic

Im tired all day, But im still eating normally so im not feeling down at least. Im afraid i dont feel anything, anything deep at least. Im not sad rn, im just confused.

I got really sad this morning when i woke up, i started crying...im starting to feel very lonely again, but this time ive realized ive got no one to go to, no toxic ex, no friend, nothing.

I should be looking for someone new but im too emotionally vulnerable rn, im scared im going to be abused again.

Its been one year since this artwork i made, its title "sex doll". I guess it still represents me somehow. Days are going by so quickly, im losing myself in each one of them, they are blurry and they melt together, they mean nothing. I spend them being somewhat detached from them, like im not really living them, as if they were just in my mind all the time.

But again, im not feeling extremely sad or anything, im just empty and i feel like i should kill myself, but i know deep down thst i wont bc im too curious, curiousity has always been my problem, it always backlashed. Some minor things happen and i get too curious to see how they will end. Sometimes i wonder if im still the person i used to be, and i think i am somehow, but at the same time im not. Im definetly less stressed than i previously was when it comes to my future, mainly bc i accepted that its probably gonna suck, or that im not gonna have one at all. Maybe ill kill myself before ill ever have one. Im not motivated anymore, i have this feeling of emptiness and loneliness that blocks me. When i was younger i had so many big dreams and a strong motivation to achieve them, i didnt need anyone, now i need someone.

I have some good friends yes, but they cannot fulfill that type of loneliness.

Im so angry at times, i think about what happened to me, how i let people treat me like shit and never did anything bc it was pointless, but the pain remains.

None of this writing makes big sense its just a stream of thoughts im having.

It sounds dumb as fuck, i wanna go to sleep

I spend the whole day just waiting for that

I should kill myself

There is no point in living anymore

Kill myself

Kill myself

Empty

Nothing

No desire

Nothing

Im detached

Nothing feels

Nothings real

I dont like anything anymore

I just function

Im a machine

Terminate me pls

End me

End me

Idiot

Idiot

Idiot

Delusional fuck

Idiot

What are you hoping for

Kill youself

Stop the game

You can do that at anytime

Find your joy

In the absense of pain

Kill youself

Slit your wrist

Your neck

Killl it

Die

Die

Die

Die

[yumesei]

Expansion on something from pt 1:

*

When John was gone, he was usually gone for a long time, and you never heard from him either.

Either something about this time was different or Johnny had put his brain to work to get around the restrictions, because one day you got a letter in the mail.

It was an unmarked envelope, a local stamp, so at first you thought nothing of it. A bill

It wasn't. It was a letter addressed to Sei and at the bottom signed from your favorite guy.

How did he even send this?! He wasn't allowed to send any correspondence lest he compromise the mission, if anyone found out...

Well, he wouldn't do it if he wasn't sure he could do it safely. And you didn't want his effort to go to waste, so you focused.

The letter read, in his writing, writing that you instictively read in his voice:

Out of sight, out of mind is total shite if you ask me; you're about as far out of sight as you can get and you've never spent so long in my mind. Don't worry, it's all good things. I know how you get nervous with these things.

I'll be home soon, love. I promise. Be prepared to have a long night when I do.

That means take care of yourself. No all-nighters. Don't make me give you a bedtime, I know I'm a little older but I'm too young to be a father just yet.

Longing for you loads, mo gràidh.

You couldn't help but smile. That was your John, all right.

Home soon, he said. At least you had something to look forward to. Though if he felt the need to do this, you worried about what he'd have to admit to when he came home.

He better not have surrounded himself with enemies without a gun again.

*

Take care of yourself, Sei! But know that we miss you ♡

Johnny uses his brain for something else than combat (100% real, no clickbait)

That letter is so cute, got me giggling like lovesick teenage girl >///<

I'm yapping abt it below

Out of sight, out of mind is total shite if you ask me; you're about as far out of sight as you can get and you've never spent so long in my mind. Don't worry, it's all good things. I know how you get nervous with these things.

No bc I think I've said this before but!!!! I like to think that I'd be a grounding presence in his mind yknow? Not something that'll distract him from doing his job well (because that'd be fucking dangerous) but more of something that remind him that no matter how much he loves his job, there's also things he loves outside of it. So maybe i'd calm down his recklessness just enough to keep him alive.

I'll be home soon, love. I promise. Be prepared to have a long night when I do.

Whore 🫵 (me too, post mission sex..... Save me post mission sex...)

That means take care of yourself. No all-nighters. Don't make me give you a bedtime, I know I'm a little older but I'm too young to be a father just yet.

Sometimes I remember he's just a bit older and it makes me blush, and i'm not sure I want to know what that says about me. I love how it's worded in a way where it seems like he's actually considering it, but tbh the idea of him "forcefully" putting me to sleep to fix my sleep schedule is kinda nice, sweet in a way (like yeah he cares that much about my well-being yknow?). But the idea of "sleep a lot because you're gonna need a lot of energy when I come back" is also fucking hilarious (one might think he needs sleep when coming back from a mission, but what he truly needs is getting laid).

Longing for you loads, mo gràidh.

Everytime he speaks/writes Gaelic, I die before coming back to life. Even more when it's term of endearment. It makes me need to be sedated (I love him too much)

I mean yeah, he better not told me ended up in a group of ennemies without a weapon again, lest he wants me to have an heart attack (again). What matters is that at the end of the day he's still alive, right? But please take care of yourself before I cry in your arms because of how much your habits scares the shit out of me.

Also thanks you sm for the cute message at the end (and for the asks obviously?????????? Those were so good and I'm so bad at expressing gratitude but i'm truly grateful). I'm kissing you on the cheeks and baking you pastries as we speak <3