#i was too scared to post on the discord so heres this i guess

[newtstesco]

One of the Interloper 4 demos correlates to the SFM tutorial mentioned in Interloper A

I'm not sure if this is how I should format this or where to post this but at about 19 minutes into Interloper 4 (not the VOD the actual episode where Anomi only shows important things) There's a demo of a soldier shooting rockets at nothing, which seems strange as an "important demo" to show off but what got me thinking was Anomi's comment of how it seemed familiar, and in Interloper A we see the SFM tutorial with the same map and a soldier firing rockets the exact same way. idk i think its worth sharing since i don't really understand all the newer directions the investigation is heading

[auriidae]

i found this really old comic i made and never posted here?? there is a superb dearth of context i am aware but (chucks this in your general direction anyway)

(this was from an au based off a weird dream i had a while ago ??? it was like. they were normal human kids but they somehow got into this strange video game slash simulation or smth which SOUNDS like sburb but it was way different trust me. i wrote a ton abt it for months and then never thought about it again. n e ways.)

[pyromance]

it's kind of my song actually

[hopelesshaunts]

Those times when you cry but it’s not so much crying as it is tears falling and just not breathing in bursts that are a bit longer than you like, kinda like silent screams just the noise comes on the inhales cus you remember you need to breath and that is why there is physical pain in your chest to join the whatever that was already there. I can’t tell if I like it or not.

[iloveundertaesooomuch]

Some advice from AU Calebs!

Heck yeah I did it! Finally i finished ONE of the HUNDREDS AU crossover ideas I have in my head!! Crossovers are fun guys!! (I apologise for a bad english in advance. Writing this it a rush.)

"It's ok to ask for help." (A Reverse Of Feathers And Mud by @jess-the-vampire)

I couldn't make a crossover meme without the legend. Sorry, not sorry. He is such a sad lad but tries to stay positive and be happy for his family uydfykudsutsudskudsluds (*dies*). I have to admitt, Caleb's dad energy is too strong for me to handle without wanting a hug him. No wonder! He was THE grandpa for centuries straight without a break. At least Caleb gets his whole family together in the end. Comics with him and either Hunter and Philip or Luz and Eda make me run in cirles around the room aaaa.

"You are not a burden." (Brother's Keeper by @idoodlestuffsometimes)

Damn, you definetly created one of the darkest AU in the fandom. Each time I re-read AU related posts I scream my lungs out because it is so angsty and so great. I am genuinely scared of your Belos ngl, because.. this man didnt loose anything and he still proceeds to do all that stuff. Enconter with him has 0 survival rate.

POOR CALEB! At least in the world of memes he had an opportunity to flee the captivity twice (the bald head and the car). This man had no moment of mental rest for centuries oh my God. One of my friends wants to fight his brother personally to protec Caleb at all cost sksksk. Well, at least Hunter will always have an actually loving relative! And if the happy ending is going to be canon, I think the future looks great, especially knowing how much pain all your characters go through currently. (And I think both Caleb and Hunter would need the "you are not a burdain" affirmations. At least some form of support in their situation.)

You said in the latest ask-answer that BK!Caleb was supposed to have white streaks in his hair so I attempted to add them. Hope they look fine! Colors for the outfit I got from Belos, so they would match, I guess???

"Murder is okay." (Loose Strings by @oldmanpip)

My bro, brother, friend... Despite you being not to involved on the discord server, my brain is still rotting with your great awesome AUs. And I know you know that. Your Caleb is really loose in all sences of that word and I love that. Wonder if your AUs will ever be available to the public. Because oh boy oh boy they deserve to be recognised. (Loose Caleb is such a conservative grandpa who never did anything wrong, wdym?)

"Your feelings matter." (Pip In Time by @celestialscribbler)

Honestly? Man, your comic is the reason I got invested in Witteclaw couple at all. Even if the "Pip in time" is not their story, but you wrote their teen romance so sweetly. Those two melted my heart... I scream each time I re-read your comic for 100th time. Just WOAH my brain goes brrr! And Caleb as a character is also written really really well. I love him so much. He is such good brother but MAN HE NEEDS A BREAK FROM BEING AN ADULT! BOY! Insirt crying and heart emojis here.

(PS: hope you still care about your health!)

My thoughts:

I have been drawing this for more than a month I think? And the only reason for that is my university. I hope to actually get an ADHD diagnosis because something is clearly wrong with me. But thats not the point.

There are so many ideas in my head. Goofy and not. The only problem is that I have less and less ability to do what I want lately. I wish I could bring them all to life, but at the same I dont know if anyone will be interested. Would AU crossovers look too self-indulgent? Or nah? Idk. (Just Grimwalker-Isle already has so much potential for stupid ridiculous fun I am runnin on coffee juice.)

Litteraly my mind is plagued with different fun plots and possibilities I am going crazy. But I also have A TON of WIPs that I need to finish. Perhaps I will attempt to manage everything at once, but, no promises.

Wish me luck on my exams!

[felikatze]

I think Happily Ever After and The Cage both explore some similar topics in inverse ways and once again the Prisoner and the Damsel are twisted mirrors of one another

Pristine Cut spoilers and discussion of abusive relationships below. One suicide mention but it's STP what do you expect tbh

Compilation of rant I went on on discord 👍

prisoner and damsel are very much always parallels since u take the same path to get to them so they're both versions of the princess that you the player Trust, right. and the Greys are a betrayal of that trust if you kill them, and all that. obvs w the prisoner being reluctant trust and the damsel being unconditional because Knife.

but HEA and Cage are both about being Trapped. In Cage, the Princess has seen the same thing happen twice now, she's disillusioned, she's never going to escape. It will be The Same Thing, Forever.

WHICH IS. THE EXACT SAME AS HEA. The Princess believes she is never going to escape. That it will be Just This, Forever. And both of them believe that it *has* to be Just This Forever even if they don't *want* it to be.

Both of this is shown through an Externalized Force. in Cage, that is the Princess' body, which she has conceived as separate from herself. The body simply acts as it must, which she has no input over. Ignoring, of course, that she can *make it stop.*

And that's the same way HEA can't imagine she'll ever escape the Smitten! She's afraid and scared of change, of the torches going out!! But she wants it more than anything!!

Yet these two routes are foils for each other, too. Bcuz in Cage, it's the Princess who enforces the pattern, and in HEA it's the Hero. (part of him, anyways.) What's interesting here too that both of the routes result from a breakdown of communications.

I said in my big long rambly Cage post, but Cage route doesn't happen bcuz Fate, it's bcuz the Princess wants the Hero to carry her head out and he just *doesn't get it.* He just didn't understand what she wanted.

And the leadup to HEA, everyone in Hero's head is upset because they can't communicate to the Princess what is freaking him out, and Smitten tries to... well... show her, I guess.

(Post-rant addition: Hey, both the Prisoned and the Smitten kill themselves to get their points across. Add that to the parallels tally!)

also like abusive relationship metaphors on both ends tbh. Smitten doesn't respect Princess' autonomy at all. I think part of that is the end of Damsel means he doesn't think she *has* any interiority when it's Hero + Paranoid/Opportunist who want the Princess to be a person instead of a doll, which causes her to be a Person Again in HEA. But Smitten is, again, just so stuck on the vision of Damsel who no longer exists.

+ you could also read Damsel chapter in the context of HEA as just seeing that this is the first person who could conceivably save her so she is leaning in HARD to the romance angle because she sees it as the best way to finally get out. Got herself into the romance out of desparation and now she's stuck and regretting it.

So TLDR Smitten doesn't actually respect Princess as a person and just wants her to be this perfect image he has of her, and we see also in HEA how he literally restrains Princess + Hero and deliberately scares Princess when she even dares voice her own opinion. Smitten sucks so bad in this one and it's shit of him but also thematically interesting and again a good escalation of his character.

Cage on the flipside is the typical "I can't help myself" excuse. See, *she's* not at fault here. It's her *body* doing this! Really, nothing could change this. And u see the rebuttal of that angle from the Hero's dialogue options ("You're making a choice. You're choosing violence *right now.*)

No matter how often she says she's just a head, she's still the one who physically restrained the Hero (wow, just like the Smitten!), it's her who refuses to listen to anything the Hero has to say (wonder who that reminds me of), and it's her who is hurting him, on purpose, to feel better about herself.

the "good" endings to these chapters (as much as there are no wrong endings) meaning leaving with the cage's head / dancing with hea under the stars, both of these only occur once Hero/HEA are finally heard and acknowledged. Cage is so rattled that the Hero didn't bring the knife that she finally actually listens to a single word he's got to say and the two can break out, and the final torch in HEA only goes out once Princess says "I'm so tired of this." and has the courage to say what *she* wants and is *listened to.*

in conclusion (x2): STP good 👍 i love you missus the cage

[azulcrescent]

Hiiii, i am here again becoz i forgor to add something to my last question, i guess i have to pay more attention wuen i ask haha, sorry

The question is: i want to start uploading my paper drawings too, but i am a little scared, any tips to find the bravery to upload something? Or at least a little motivational word uwu

Oh and another silly little question, does it make you uncomfortable if i take a screenshot of your response to my last question i print it and i put it in my wall as my inspiration and to always be able to admire your response?? OwO

(oh my gosh every time i send a question i look more and more crazy)(i am sorry) (your comics got me trough some stuff so i genuinely adore you and your work) (sorryyyy)

Is ok. I have ADHD brain too so i understand.

As for uploading.... try to be aware of *why* you're uploading it. If you're uploading it to show this fanart of a character you like to the particular discord of that fanbase, etc, that can be a great way to just have fun showing the art you've done even as a beginner. because there's not that expectation to perform. It's just a fan showing their appreciation and love for the character among other fans. (if anyone flames you everyone will recognize that they're an asshat) Example, posting your lil sketches of the characters in Stardew valley on the stardew valley discord's art channel or owl house fanart in the discord etc.

But if you're trying to get a following, it can be quite difficult while you're honing your skills. Still, uploading your work to your page can be a very good thing just for the purposes of keeping track of your own progress, and the drawings you've done (because paper drawings get lost over time. but if you do wanna get a following, linking to your socials after you post your work is a good way to start.

I'm fine with that ^^ Anything that helps you is a good thing.

Is okie is fun to see your asks haha. And thank you o7

[thought--bubble]

Taking a little breaky break

This is just a heads up for my small little group of people on here. I have come to call my friends. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm going to be taking a much needed respite from tumblr and probably discord, too. I am feeling lost, sad,overwhelmed, and confused.

I know it sounds silly or whatnot, but all of this stuff is overwhelming and depressing, and I feel sick when I open this app at this point.

The best word to use, I guess, would be winded, maybe?

I joined Tumblr in Sept 23, and at first, it was really fun, a much needed escape from my daily never-ending list of crap to do.

I unfortunately learned how crazy this fandom can get early on and the hard way. I had hoped that that was just a one-off due to my newbie ignorance and took it as a lesson learned for myself.

But it's starting to feel like the drama never fucking stops. It just keeps going, and nice people, kind people, just get dragged and ridiculed for seemingly no reason. I will pathetically admit that I am a sensitive soul, and the things I've read and seen have seriously negatively affected me.

When people are catty regarding people they don't like or that don't like them, I can usually reconcile that to a particular degree. People are, in fact, people. Not everyone is going to vibe with everyone, and people will make jokes at others' expense, and it isn't exactly mature, but it happens.

That is what I expected when I heard this was coming. Some catty shit slinging between people who don't like each other.

But that isn't all this was, and I'm having a really hard time with that. I even thought, "Oh maybe some moderately rude jokes here and there where you know cultural differences and stuff could account for that" like I'm from the northeast and we can be harsh out here. So something that may be offensive to someone from another area may be looked at here just as a joke made in poor taste.

I know I myself have made jokes or whatnot, but you would think certain things would be off limits.

I thought I could combat the negative with positives. Silly jokes, little messages filled with love, but even that isn't working at this point.

My heart hurts, and my brain hurts.

And all this stuff has made me question myself. I had a block list a mile long for the longest time. Filled predominantly with people I had never spoken to because I was scared, nervous, I didn't want to accidentally interact with a post of someone who would be upset that I did, I unfollowed blogs I liked based on this same principle. I just desperately did not want to make someone mad or uncomfortable and find myself back in some weird mean anon tornado.

I tried to sus out who would be bothered by my presence and who wouldn't. I can't even know if my thoughts on who may or may not be upset by me were based on my paranoia or a perception i developed or was potentially affected by outside sources.

Now, i just don't know what the hell is going on.

Sorry for the word vomit. Just wanted to be honest. There are some of us out here who are just standing around with question marks over our heads.

Maybe it's because I wasn't here for a lot of that other weirdness. Maybe it's because of early events that shaped my experience on this app, but I for sure 100% need a break.

I'm an odd duck and love this app mostly because it's the only site I've seen where others actively fan-girl over my favorite Ewan character.

But right now, not even my love for Will can keep me on this app, and for those who know me, that's truly saying something.

This post is not meant to badmouth anyone at all. Honestly at this point I couldn't bad mouth anyone because I'm fucking lost on who anyone really is or how they really feel about things, dude I'm just plain lost.

Thank you to those who have been kind. My apologies to those I may have judged or assumed things about based on who the hell knows.

I hope that when I come back, I can open this app without yet another person that I like having a post of them being torn apart. Or a post of a story that I had heard being told in a completely different way and throwing me for a complete loop.

For now I am going to watch Will edits on TikTok and maybe read via Ao3.

Love and healing vibes to all.

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveread: Dofus tome 2 – Le fil pourpre

I didn't know about this until the post by @julith-jurgen that included art from this book, but as it turns out — Kerubim makes an appearance in one of the Dofus choose your own adventure novels.

I will say: I couldn't find PDFs for myself, or any other way to read these books... For a second, I thought all hope is lost... However, fortunately, I am a member of a discord that frequently runs games using these books, translating them along the way. So, while reading this post, you will see quotes from that discord translation.

(It feels a bit corny, but shout out to @uelman for running those games and translating this! ;><)

You ask a passerby how to reach Kerub Crepin's shop. The young man replies that the shop is at the Ecalfip statue's square. It'll probably still be open, even at this late hour.

The novels, as far as I am aware, are set at the time of the Dofus MMOs. This part in particular references the old layout of Astrub city in Dofus MMO as well.

Before a major update, there were various classes' gods' statues around the city, and Kerubim's was right across the Ecaflip one.

You're looking forward to meeting this unique figure described by Meriana. According to the magician, Kerub is a retired hero and a great storyteller... and he's in possession of an item vital in the quest for the Crimson Dofus.

Meriana is a major character in the Dofus MMO, and someone who helps you find all the Dofus in the game. She is an Enutrof demigoddess who possesses a true fortune of knowledge and books.

In the game, Kerubim says that the two of them are friends.

You arrive to a square with an imposing white stone statue of the god Ecaflip. Nearby, a sign in the shape of a bow meow's head swings in the night's breeze. It points to the store of Kerub Crepin, one of the most renowned adventurers in the World of Twelve.

Considering the fact that Joris sends the player, in-game, directly to Kerubim, and says literally nothing about them being related, I like to think that people not into adventurer/immortal/political gossip, knowing that Kerubim and Joris are related is like, "below the surface of the water" knowledge.

Knowing that Atcham exists is "middle of the iceberg" knowledge, and knowing how exactly they're related and who is older, is the "deep ocean" level of knowledge, respectively.

You've never seen such a bric-a-brac. There's vials, flasks, vases, bottle and pots. Old dusty books are piled up everywhere. Some weapons are displayed on the walls. Skulls stare at you with their empty eye sockets, while chests, trunks and cases hide other objects.

Oldass books and creepy decorations are apparently a familial trait.

You climb up the wooden stairway. You hear someone talk in a hoarse voice. "...we're starting to have too much dust around here, Luis. I know you're very touchy on this subject, but just a single good wiping with a thaumaturgical feather duster would be enough... Luis? Ah look at that, the bugger fell asleep! It's not that late, I'd say..."

KERUBIM USE YOUR CHANCE. CLEAN UP WHILE HE'S SLEEPING. KERUBIM——

You enter a room with shelves in front of all the walls. An old white furred Ecaflip is sitting on an armchair, steaming mug in hand. He smiles at you from ear to ear. "Welcome! Come closer, don't be scared. Oh, I see you're accompanied by a spirit... not a violent one, I hope? As long as he knows to keep himself in check and doesn't make my furniture fly around, he can haunt the house freely. So, what can I do for you?" You introduce yourself shortly. "A pleasure. I'm Kerub Crepin, humble owner of the most amazing magic shop in the whole Krosmoz. No matter what you're looking for: you will find it here. Let me guess... You're searching for a magical weapon able to destroy your enemies? I have an inflatable sword right here, a wholly original model that was a huge hit at the latest armourer convention. It comes with a pack of patches. Do you want a way to bring your friend back to life? I think I still have an Erzal potion. Although, I have to warn you that it has some secondary effects, and if his original body was in a bad shape, the result could be... unexpected."

He is never beating those necromancy allegations... But either way, I am pretty sure the Ezral potion here might be this?

Very interested at first, Oskar quickly realises that Kerub's potion is not the solution to his problem. As for you, you tell the Ecaflip that you were sent by the magician Meriana. "Meriana? Haha! How's the old witch doing? It's been a long time since she passed by Astrub. She can't stand crowds. She's always been like that... So, tell me, what Dofus are you after? Emerald, Ochre, Turquoise?" You reply that you're after the Crimson Dofus. "Oh, Ignemikhal's egg! You know, I had it in my hands a long time ago... but I'd need many days just to tell this story, and no doubt you're in a hurry. You've got a long way ahead of you... and it's not going to be a straight line, oh no! You'll have to adventure into the Minotoror's labyrinth... there's a bloody stroll waiting for you there." Kerub drinks a sip of his mug, then stands up and asks you to follow him. "I have a debt towards Meriana, so I will help you. You're lucky, I have exactly what you need. Come, follow me to the attic."

Love how casual he is about asking which Dofus is being sought after, here. Like this is just another weekday for him.

You follow the old Ecaflip and start climbing up the tight red wood stairs. You mention to your host that not that long ago, you too were a Kerub. "Haha, you were part of Incarnam's guards, that right? Many years ago, I served amongst the ranks of the Kerub's militia. At the time, they weren't named that... they took the Kerub name in my honour, to thank me from saving the celestial island from a great danger. It's an incredible story. It all began when...-" "Eh, sorry to interrupt you, Mister Crepin, but... are you renting the loft to anyone?" Oskar, who silently floated behind you, points to a ray of light coming from the floorboard above your head. "Judging from the creaks I'm hearing... I'd say you have a visitor." Kerub frowns. Quickly, he opens the attic's trap door and jumps up with the dexterity of a bow meow. You quickly climb up the last steps.

This part references the Celestial Kerubim Militia, which are a faction you join during the tutorial of the Dofus MMO.

In the game he also speaks of having been the reason the militia is named that way, and you can see a framed photo/painting of him in their headquarters.

The same image can be seen in the shop in Wakfu MMO's times. As far as I know, the Kerubim Militia may not exist by these times.

Your untimely interruption surprises the attic's inhabitants: the moumouses scarper, the arachnees skedaddle... and four masked individuals are caught in the act. The most surprised one is a red-haired female Rogue: she stays still for a few seconds before an open trunk, lit by the moonlight coming from the skylight. In her black gloved hand, there's a red ball of yarn. Kerub proclaims his outrage at this home invasion. "Hey, give that back, it's mine! Luis, wake up, you old shack!" The redhead makes sign to her sidekicks. "Riko, Lequin, Chypel! Take care of these idiots while I grab the scarper powder!" The three Rogues take the offensive. Kerub grabs a broom lying around. "I'll take her of the lady! I'll leave the other scoundrels to you!"

Hey Keke. Look at me, Keke.

Are you sure about that??

(I'm joking. This book takes place centuries after the show. I doubt these rogues in Dofus times, and Remingron in Wakfu times, care about something that happened so long ago.)

Meanwhile, Kerub seems to have the situation under control: perched at the edge of the skylight, he uses his broom to reflect every single explosive projectile the Rogue leader throws at him. Realising that her way out is blocked, the redhead retreats towards the stairs... but Kerub doesn't plan to let her escape! He puts a spoke in her wheels, rather literally throwing his broom at her legs, making her lose her footing... and the crimson ball of thread she held in her hand. The ball rolls at your feet. You pick it up, challenging the thieves to come take it back.

Not going to lie... Kerubim beating someone with a broom is something I didn't know I needed, until now.

Suddenly, the flooring begins to rise. The attic's trapdoor slams closed. Kerub doesn't seem unnerved, on the contrary. "Finally, you woke up! Come on, Luis, let's get to it, time to clean this up!" The Rogue leader shouts in anger. She throws a glass marble at the floor. A thick mist overruns the room. You can't see anything anymore. Kerub is overtaken by a coughing fit. "Khoff, khoff! Luis, do something! Khoff!" The round skylight extends and expands, letting the smoke out. You barely notice a vague silhouette jumping over you... and going out the window open into the starry sky. "Khoff! She escaped! Agh, that vixen!" You look outside. The redhead landed on the neighbouring roof. She looks back to you and curses at you with her fist to the clouds. "You'll pay for this... We'll meet again!" Then, she disappears into the night. You hear an explosion behind you. The three Rogues managed to open the trapdoor with sheer brute strength. "C'mon guys, we're breaking out!" The ruffians rush down the stairs at full speed. You're about to run after them, but Kerub grabs you by the back of your neck. "Let them flee! What matters, is that the scoundrels left empty-handed, without their loot!" The old Ecaflip points at the ball in your hand. It shines in a bright crimson light.

[imagines Kerubim stopping Joris and Atcham from running after some rogues that broke in and beating them to death] [smiles]

"This ball of yarn is not an ordinary one. It used to be the property of the Ecaflip god. The Big Tease collects balls, it's one of his hobbies. He even invented a game with flabby balls... but this one is very peculiar. It is said that the crimson thread that composes it is tied to the tapestry of three Norrai, the fate weavers. It will guide you through the Minotoror's labyrinth." You thank Kerub for his gift, and ask him he he has any idea of who the red-haired thief could be. "Haha, she caught your eye too? Well, I think I've seen her near the old burnt-down church... she was with a group of fairly sinister individuals." "I know her," intervened Oskar, "Her name is Odetta. She's the right hand woman of Han Reddun, one of the leaders of Astrub's crime syndicate. I already dealt with Reddun before... he tried to drown me in a barrel of alcohol mixed with water. Such a crime against Astrub's fine beer... Don't you see? It's the sign of an insufferable cruelty." "I don't really see it, no," replies Kerub shrugging his shoulders. "I only drink mimilk, or exceptionally, a glass of Chichala. In fact, now that I said that..."

Odetta is a real NPC in the MMO, and she does hang out inside an old burnt-down church.

What is more scary to me is that this implies that Kerubim really did cut down on the alcohol after his turbulent youth and being shown with a beer or drunk every other episode. Therapy real???

The old Ecaflip turns to you. "Something tells me your quest won't be a walk in the park, my young friend, and that you'll need a little help... Follow me, Luis will take care of putting things back into place here." As you walk down, you ask who is this famous Luis he keeps mentioning. "Well he's the soul of the house, he is! Luis is a Shushu, a demon if you like. He haunts this place since forever. No doubt what explains why he behaves like a dragon-pig... Ouch! I'm kidding, Luis, no need to put splinters under my paws!" Back at his shop, Kerub rummages through a big golden chest. "Alright, let's see, where did I put it... Make yourself comfortable, it may take a while. Have a candy, there's a whole bowl. No, not this... Did you know you'll need two relics to reach the centre of the labyrinth? I don't have it in stock anymore, else I'd give you a friend's discount. Oh, I thought I had thrown away this old thing... Oof, I'm starting to regret this. I have to tidy all of this one day... Ah, here it is. A flask of Chichala! Although, now that I think about it, you could also use this Matataure cape... or the Unlucky's Joker!" Kerub puts three items before you: a green flask, a deep red cape, and a playing card.

Kerubim is just like me fr when it comes to cleaning. "Ooof I'm starting to regret this, I have to tidy all of this one day" he will not tidy all of this. at any point in time.

This brings my quick little book-review/liveblog to a close. Overall, a very cute cameo. Especially for me, since I am always very interested in Dofus MMO times, when it comes to Kerubim, Joris, and Atcham. (as if you couldn't tell from the 10k word fanfic i wrote. Dofus MMO lore has me bewitched heart and soul ok?)

[throwaway-yandere]

I want to be honest (no this has nothing to do with fics lmao youll get it as scheduled)

This post is an explanation as to why I consider myself as "retired". I know I've said it's because of studies, but that'll be 1/3 of the truth. I want to talk about the true three real reasons why, and I'll do my best to be straight to the point. This isn't a cry for help (I swear to the heavens it is NOT). This is just to clear out assumptions.

Here's the other two reasons:

Grief & Mental Health

Writing itself & interactions

Grief & Mental Health:

I'll pour my heart out, so I'm sorry if it's long. As I said, I'll be straight to the point, so: my grandfather around the first week of June. I remember how I received the news so vividly. I was listening to Two Birds while washing the dishes at 12 AM. My mom went down the stairs with my father, crying as they tell me the news that he's gone. We drove half an hour to the hospital where I get to pat his head one last time. I remember mindlessly wandering the hospital halls— I remember mindlessly using the free alcohol attached to a wall. I remember breaking down as I realized I just cleansed away the hand that last had contact with him. I remember every detail, from the ride home where I messaged my good college friend to tell her that she needs to be a good nurse because the public healthcare system in the country is awful. I remember silently hating everyone and everything. I remember thinking about how cruel it was that life took away the one relative who genuinely cared about me and I was sure was related to me by blood. I remember thinking how much I'm distant to everyone else on my mother's side except him. I remember feeling so empty. I remember not sleeping for two days straight.

But let's back track for a bit. Before his death, I did have one final conversation with him. He was sedated and tubed miserably. Deep down, I knew his time was coming. So, I just made jokes about how grandma was growing senile and mistook me for a nurse for ten whole minutes. Then, I thanked him for everything he's done, and told him I'll become an engineer. Just like him.

And now here I am, dorming 3 hours away from home. I dormed because I had nearly decided my life meant nothing after lack of sleep through daily commutes and workloads. But I am lonely and unwell. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I actually want to be, but I already shifted courses as a chemical engineering student. I was so stressed to the point I've accidentally cried to my chem professor in a phone call. I don't know what I'm doing with my scholarship and education if it's for no one. And I am scared that I'm draining my parents' already limited resource for nothing. That I'm wasting the scholarship my country had given me nothing. That I am wasting my people's taxes for nothing.

It was only when another friend told me that I seem to live my life based on other's decisions and opinions did I notice just why I'm incredibly miserable.

I know I don't have dreams for myself. And even if I did, how the hell will writing and drawing feed me in the future when the industry in this 3rd world country is absolute garbage?

I guess Asians really do the things they hate so they can get what they love. Okay, I'll stop making jokes.

I miss my long-time friends, Phitre and Frost. I also miss my old blockmates when I was a BSEd-Math student. I am too used to eating alone, studying alone, walking alone. I am too used to being an outsider. But I'm not used to silence. I'm not too used to hearing actual silence.

All I have is Discord and Messenger.

And even then, it's quiet.

Writing itself & Interactions

I love writing and drawing. I just hate posting it at this point, which is why I made another account that's purely interaction-based.

I love writing a lot— my happiness is turning shtposts into something terrifying. I don't like writing romances, I like the thrill instead. I like laughing like I'm Hubert from FE:TH after thinking of an evil plot twist.

But I hate posting it. Because I know, no matter how much effort I put it, it's not enough. No matter how long it is— no matter if you learned basic coding for it— drew art— made interactive google forms— it's just not enough. I literally made two long separate fics with different endings depending on your choices and it just performs less on something I didn't actually put anything on.

Lord.

Lord I hate Creative Differences for that. I finally understood why bands hate their hit songs because of that lol.

Don't comment something like "oh, you content creators are just whining—" I am whining. Why? Because we don't treat artists and writers like they're human enough. Like we're just uploading content and that we don't want to hear what the others have to say. I remember there was one ask telling me how they're gonna miss traumatizing their friend— and I'm just sitting there wondering "why didn't YOU tell me their reactions? Why are you making me feel like I'm talking to a brick wall for 2k words and more?" It's not their fault. I am not mad at this anon. They've done nothing wrong, but lord do I hate feeling like this.

I could follow "part 2???" requests, finish all my drafts for the events. But I know. I know the chances of the person who requested them won't actually answer after all the effort.

[insert Berkut's "all that effort, what is it all for?!" voice line from FE:Echoes here to lighten the mood]

But that aside.

It's just silence. Just notes, when I feel like comments are what matters more. I'm used to being alone, but I really hate silence. I hate it so much. That's why I'm always so grateful to the people who do interact often, and don't say that's not true because I can prove it. You can see me make content just for them, dedicate fics, art, everything. I love them, I love the "noise".

I know we all have lives, I know we're all busy, I know. I respect your time, I respect you.

And I think it's just time I respect myself as well.

So that's why I'm retired. No pressure on events (idol and letters), no pressure on anything. I'm actually taking my time in End Of Year Blues. It's nice.

Edit: I forgot to mention

My father hates that I write. He constantly tells me to stop it, to prioritize my academics, when writing is my only way of coping.

So.

Haha, what the hell do I even do anymore, right?

[sodapopseagull]

Sorry to be angsty on my silly little bg3 blog but I'm so sad and scared right now. I spent all night awake in a numb haze and now that I'm lucid I can't stop crying ;;

I'm grateful for others expressing their pain about this. I feel a lot less alone for it but I'm just so sad. So many people are scared and hurting. I feel so small and helpless.

Making a point of telling my friends how much I love them today and from here on out. Wanted to say the same here. My shyness has done much to impede my interactions with the bg3 community but I'm so grateful for how kind and welcoming people have been to me, even if it's sometimes through a few layers of separation. Finding my art shared in a server or posting it and receiving tons of kind words or seeing all of the sweet tags added to my posts makes me feel seen and included and I'm immeasurably thankful. Not only is this my first fandom I've really participated in, but it's also the first predominantly queer space for me too, and as someone who's spent almost half of his life at this point as a stealth trans person, I can't even begin to express how nice it is to just... exist in close proximity to so many people like me. I'm grateful for it now. I feel less alone.

In spite of everything, I wish to pursue joy and community where I can find it, even if it's via a videogame fandom. Just wanted to yap about that I guess.

I'm scared and sad but I love you all. Thank you for seeing me and including me 💜💜💜

And if you know my Discord and need someone to yell with, I could use that too haha 💜 Peace~

[salora-rainriver]

The Sympathy Problem, or "Why I'm Too Much of a Monsterfucker to Get Into Horror"

I don't know what the fuck this is, but I'm writing an essay about a problem that, as far as I know, only applies to me (but i might be totally wrong, who knows).

I think the title speaks for itself, but lemme just elaborate on what the fuck happens inside my brain, and how that fundamentally affects the way I handle horror media, to the point where I cannot truly appreciate it as horror on the same level as everyone else.

now lemme post a cute bat here so that there'll be an appropriate image to represent the whole essay when its link is shared on stuff like Discord:

trust me this was important. Okay, let's keep going.

Part 1: Why I'm a Monsterfucker

Let's start at age 4. I'm a dinosaur kid, like roughly 1/3rd of all autistic bitches. I'm a dinosaur kid to the point of owning multiple Land Before Time movies, and tie-in games, and I think I even had like two plushies at one point.

you know it's serious when this is your childhood.

I also had miscellaneous dinosaur plushies, and dinosaur toys, and a dinosaur book I frequently read front-to-back, and you get the idea.

dinosaur love evolves into dragon love, evolves into "funky monster creatures and animals of all kinds" love. I become a freakish savant of the wonderful world of the animal kingdom really quickly, to the point where my child-brain career prospects include "vet" as a pretty high finalist.

And then I find Starcraft, a game in a genre I otherwise wouldn't have given a shit about... but guess what? it has bug dinos.

it's all over for me.

But like, why? why do I like dinosaur so much?

... because I am dinosaur.

Look. LOOK. I can't give a good comprehensive list on the connections between my particular strand of autism and the state of Being A Dinosaur, because by this point, me being autistic and me being a dinosaur are so completely intertwined that it's often a chicken-egg situation. But the point is,

I make weird noises instead of using my words. I toe-walk. I don't like shoes. Sometimes I like to not wear clothes at all, even. I like to hide in small crevices when spooked. When I'm in a meltdown, I scare people.

Me dinosaur. Or at least, me some type of feral.

So is it any fucken surprise that when I go into an RPG, I latch onto the animal shapeshifter, the furry species, or the person who fights unarmed and/or uses a claw weapon?

Is it any fucking surprise that I am the opposite of spooked by snakes and spiders and other such creepy crawlies?

is it any fucking surprise that I have a fursona?????

is it any fucking surprise that I picked Pokemon Scarlet without the slightest HINT of remorse?!

Part 2: Wait, That's not the Intended Response

now let's talk about horror. Let's talk about the elements that make horror into horror: the fear part.

So what scares people? Well... people scare us. A serial killer, a mad scientist, a cult leader, a corrupt government entity, maybe? or maybe even society itself, its darker side full of atrocities and danger and problems where there's no easy solution and things can often seem hopeless?

... lmao who are we kidding that's not the vast majority of what scares people in horror. IT'S MONSTERS! Monsters scare people!

From Xenomorphs to Jean Jacket to The Babadook, it's monsters! Shit that ain't human and never could be human, and maybe it's pretending to be human, maybe it used to be human, but now it ain't, and it's gonna getcha!

And it just.

I'm a monsterfucker.

I'm not scared of ghosts. Sure he's fucked up and wailing in endless pain and lashing out at everything, but that just makes me feel sad. Like, poor ghost dude. We should help him.

I'm not scared of vampires or werewolves. They're people like anyone else, and sure, there's an inherent danger from being around them, but there's also an inherent danger from being close to an alligator, and I'm sure as fuck not scared of an alligator chilling on the side of the road. Cautious, maybe, but not scared.

I'm not scared of zombies. I mean, if they were real, I'd be a bit spooked, cause I have no combat expertise and would definitely be Fucked. But the same would apply if my hometown became a war zone. And... a war movie won't scare me. So a zombie movie wouldn't, either.

I'm not scared of xenomorphs. I mean I don't want to die, but that just means I should be entering alien environments with all proper safety procedures. TBH I'm more pissed at Weyland-Yutani than anything else.

I'm not scared of the Babadook. I'm worried for the well-being of the family as they try to come to terms with grief, and the monstrous shape that grief has taken. But it seems like they're coping in the end, so that's good.

I'm not scared of Jean Jacket - okay no. I'll be honest. It makes me uncomfortable. I will not be going into detail on the difference between this discomfort and actual fear. That is not a Salora Lore I want to disclose here. If you Know, you Know.

Part 3: Horror ceases to be a genre for me

So the monsters in horror movies don't scare me. And yet... I've watched some horror movies. And I've liked them. From this one list I've been using as quick reference to remind myself of What Horror Movies Exist out there, I've watched a few of these, or am at least familiar with them. You know, I've seen some classic horrors like "The Shining" because I went to film class in high school, and I've watched some installments of classic franchises like "Scream", or oddball picks like "Warm Bodies" and "The Relic", because I was having watch parties with friends.

Even beyond film, I read some Lovecraft once, and I've played plenty of spookier-themed videogames, like... well, like Silent Hill 2. Didn't finish that one. Bcs I'm bad at puzzles. But I loved the atmosphere.

And even when I'm not directly experiencing the horror media, I often look it up, read the synopsis, and watch video essays about it.

I know way too much about Hereditary, Midsommar, Get Out, the Slasher Genre in general, Creepypasta, Resident Evil, and mascot horror, for someone who's supposedly not able to properly engage with horror as a medium.

And I like some of that shit! But uh...

... not. as horror.

I just. Don't engage with them as horror films. I engage with them as whatever other genre you could slot them into. Hereditary is a tragedy. Get Out is political allegory. The Babadook is psychological allegory. Ghost stories are dark fantasy. Alien is sci fi. Slasher films go back and forth between mystery, action, and dark comedy. Warm Bodies is a rom-com. (like. that's not even a weird hot take. I don't know why this Rotten Tomatoes editorial decided it was horror, but I'm not gonna dispute their assertion, Bcs like. this entire essay is about why I'm not a good judge on that sort of thing) Silent Hill is a puzzle-adventure game with light action. Five Nights at Freddys is a time-management simulation game that would stress me the fuck out if I ever played it. Amnesia: the Dark Descent is a stealth game.

You get the idea.

So I'm just... in this really weird position. I'm a huge fan of spooky monsters, strange happenings, stories that engage seriously with the anxieties of mankind through allegory,

but I can't. truly enter the horror genre community as an insider.

Cause I ain't scared.

And honestly, it gets even worse when I start to imagine myself maybe, idk, *writing* a horror story of my own. Because... since I don't get scared by them, how am I supposed to know what scares others? Apologies to my fellow disabled folk for this clumsy analogy, but... it feels like trying to paint while visually impaired. I mean... you can do it. You can do it super well if you push yourself. but it's a strong disadvantage, and it might result in an artwork that could baffle the seeing people in your audience.

And maybe there could be merit in that. In writing my attempt at a horror story from the perspective of someone who doesn't find any of it scary. Maybe it's be intriguing, even surreal or dreamlike or alien to the audience who doesn't engage with this subject matter in the same way I do.

Or maybe it'd just end up similar to that one phase of the creepypasta fad where folks were going "wooo! hyperrealistic blood! isn't it spoopy n fuked up????" and it'll be garbage idfk

Bonus Round: ...Okay I Might've Lied a Bit

There is one movie that for me, truly could be considered "horror".

It genuinely terrified me as I watched it. It shook me to my core and opened my eyes to how other people feel when they see some shadowy monster figure with too many teeth reach out and eviscerate a poor bitch. I fucking get it now, to some extent. I don't know *how* the spiky boy elicits that response in you, but now I understand how it feels.

Because I watched FUCKING M3GAN

[SPOILER WARNING: I'm not saying the exact plot beats of the movie but I AM going into detail about its themes and the character development of the protagonist. It's massive spoilers but they're all vague spoilers.]

Me and my friends didn't pick this movie thinking we'd get spooked. this is the movie where the doll does some sort of modern dance routine while carrying a katana. It's goofy shit! We figured this was goofy ass modern trash and we were gonna laugh.

MOTHERFUCKERS I WASN'T LAUGHING????

Is the premise unrealistic and goofy? yeah. are the characters exaggerated and cartoonish? yes. are there like, numerous jokes throughout this film, that are portrayed as jokes? yes. was the dancing robot doll chase sequence goofy as shit? yes*

*ok but the context of That Scene made my brain gloss right the fuck over how goofy it was bcs I was too fucked up over everything else that already happened!

So like. What? How? How is goofy robot doll horrifying? Salora, you know how many stories about rogue AIs and killer robots there are? Why doesn't skynet scare you?

It's not about the doll. It's about the humans who created her.

This film is as subtle as a fucking anvil when it comes to it's social commentary. Like, "opening sequence is a kids commercial for Deranged Knockoff Furby" and "a therapist character explains attachment theory for a whole scene" levels of unsubtle. and honestly that makes the horror fucking worse. in this bizarre cartoonish parody of society, we're seeing a laid-bare and raw allegory for the real harm we are inadvertently delivering upon real fucking people. Weirdly enough, the exaggeration just makes it feel more real.

and what's "It"? Not the uncanny valley of a too-perfect silicon face, the gruesome deaths, the murderous AI,

No, "it" is the commodification of childhood, the degradation of familial ties and human connection through overwork, the way we try to patch these broken ties with product, the outsourcing of parenting to toys and machines, the disastrous consequences of allowing an orphan to vanish into wish fulfillment fantasy instead of being given space to work through her grief,

the exploitation of her grief in order to market the very thing that's spiraling her further into an unhealthy dependency, to do the exact same thing to children worldwide, all because of profit.

Look. Monsters, ghosts, demons, serial killers, zombies, predatory animals, rogue AI, they're not scary to me, because I know them. and if I don't know them, I want to know them. The solution to the threats things like that pose are simple. Keep your distance from the crocodile. Punch the shark's sensitive nose to make it back off. Invest in security measures so your house doesn't get broken into. Don't anger the ghost. Exorcise the demon. Shoot the zombie's head.

How do you, an overworked engineer for a toy company, find the time to connect with your orphaned niece on a human level?

How do you take away said niece's beloved doll when you slowly come to realize that her attachment to it has become unhealthy?

What the fuck are you supposed to even do when you realize that you might have created a murderous monster and marketed it to hundreds of kids, and your overzealous boss is in your ear pressuring you to get it ready for launch?

WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Conclusion: But fr am I like the Only One

so uh. yeah.

My fear response is mucked around by an unusually high level of sympathy for the monsters that tend to populate horror media. I'm Too Kinky To be Tortured, and it puts me in an awkward relationship with the horror genre, where the only things that can well and truly terrify me are unhealthy relationships and capitalism, and even then, only if those topics are presented in just the right way to make me feel like this shit is Real.

And like you know how there's a whole language of like, scares and signifiers and shit that's been well-researched, all these tiny tips and tricks to exploit primal fears in humans? (I dont know if language is the right word but im just gonna call it that until further notice)

well, a lot of that Language of Horror doesn't quite work on me, because it's all related to monsters and physical threats, and I love the monsters too much,

and I imagine there is a whole different Language out there of the shit that can be exploited to scare me,

but fuck if i know what it is. I only got a single movie as my frame of reference. How the fuck would you even find a movie that handles social anxiety like that?

Like idk, do y'all think Carrie would spook me? Carrie's about societal ills, right?

[dee-in-the-box]

can you give us dave headcanons (insert the old discord pleading face emoji)

^ not forcing!

here we go! i've mentioned some of these in other posts before, but!! i'll put them here, too. also with a bit of Henry and Davesport sprinkled in, because why not:

i base Dave and a lot of his behaviors off of snakes: he can swallow things whole, he came from an egg, etc.

Dave has dark purple blood.

Dave can purr and have his pupils dilate like a cat's.

Dave's tail wags like a dog when he's happy.

Dave has claws on his fingers, and one of his nervous habits back when he was with Henry was to grab and claw at his arms when stressed. Not The Greatest, As You Can Imagine!

Dave would accidentally call Henry "dad" on occasion. Henry's reaction would either be Entirely Neutral, or he'd nearly make Dave cry.

Dave would never 100% admit it to himself, but he's scared of Henry.

Jack actually worked a bit at the diner before Dee and his' deaths. he may or may not be the reason Dave figured out that he wasn't straight.

due to some of the Literal Mind Fuckery (as i call it), Dave started to forget Jack more and more. Henry certainly didn't help by gaslighting him.

Dave felt bad about what happened to Dee, but he didn't know a lot of ways to help her that wouldn't also, y'know, Piss Off Henry.

by the time the first two games are happening, Dave can't tell if he loves Jack or hates him. like, does he want to kiss him or does he want to kill him??

he feels as though he remembers Jack, but can't remember from where.

Dave has nightmares about his time at the diner, but doesn't want to acknowledge them.

he doesn't remember any of the surgeries (Henry would typically knock him out before hand), and thus isn't 100% sure why his heart is gone

Dave is nonbinary, but doesn't really care. his philosophy on gender is "I Don't Have Enough Time To Care About This Shit." would probably use it/its pronouns if he knew they existed, though. so i guess you could say his pronouns are he/it, if you wanted. mostly only uses he/him, though

that's about it, tbh. i'm sure i have more, but these are the only ones coming to mind.

[thebanishedreader]

Ongoing Book Review: Dead Inside (Chandler Morrison) Pt. 1

I take way too long to finish books since I read like 7 at a time, so I have decided to start posting my thoughts and reviews as I go along. Also, that way I can actually commit to posting these reviews once I finish the book, which is yet another thing the commitment devils have kept me from accomplishing.

Anyhow, though, here we go: the first ongoing review will cover what I have read so far of Dead Inside by Chandler Morrison.

(CW: mentions of necrophilia, cannibalism, and sex. NSFW I guess).

Description by Seller (amazon.com): "A young hospital security guard with a disturbingly unique taste in women. A maternity doctor with a horrifically unusual appetite. When the two of them meet, they embark on a journey of self-discovery while shattering societal norms and engaging in destructively aberrant behavior. As they unwittingly help each other understand a world in which neither seems to belong, they begin to realize what it truly means to be alive... And that it might not always be a good thing."

Here I am, 15% through the book. I know it's not far, but honestly, it's far enough. All I have to say is-- wow. Wow.

This book kinda sucks. Just an all-around drag. A bore, but not the pleasant boring drawl of a lecturer putting you to sleep. The harrowing, suffocating boredom of having to work a shift with that coworker that you hate, that makes you cringe so hard that it's not even entertaining to hate them anymore. Get me out of here. That's how this book feels.

For a book constantly boasting how readers say it's "not for the faint of heart," it's surprisingly underwhelming. I'm frankly disappointed, and yet this book keeps embarrassing itself so much within only 15% that I can't even be angry at myself for falling into its trap.

My reasoning falls into 3 categories: Let-Down, Cringe, and Excuses.

First things first - I was expecting something raunchy, something gruesome and disturbing. I'm not one of those people who shies away from Dead Dove content, far from it. I love that shit. Literature is a place to explore the dangerous, the taboo, the fucked up-ness of being a person. So, finding a book that pledged it was disgusting, disturbing, and medically horrifying? Sign me up. This book is... not that.

What was promised to be a horror novel that pushes the boundaries of what is too much horror, what toes the line between gratuitous and entertaining, this novel relies on one thing: shock value. And the biggest bummer for that tactic is this: if your audience is not shocked, then there is nothing left supporting the narrative.

Dead Inside relies entirely on the audience not being familiar with horror stories or even true crime stories involving necrophilia or cannibalism. The concept of a perverted security guard using his power to violate corpses is supposed to be mortifying, unbelievably despicable. Yet for a seasoned horror fan, it's nothing short of lame. Juvenile, almost. There is hardly any risk when our security guard goes into a morgue which he holds the key to, wherein there are no security cameras, where he can do whatever he pleases, lay on the floor afterwards, and go back to work-- in a tiny, unbusy hospital. It's boring, it's lame, who gives a shit if this weirdo gets his rocks off in weird ways; it's horrible to think of it happening in real life to the body of a loved one, certainly, but this is horror literature. Stephen King would have had worms crawling up the dude's dick and blossoming into a parasite that whispers in his ear until he castrates himself. Chandler Morrison just has our (I hate to even call him this) protagonist fuck a corpse. Cool, I guess.

2. Number Two. Let's talk Cringe Factor.

This narrator is unbearable. Unbearable. He sounds like the stereotype of a discord edgelord who is narrating this book with the sole purpose of scaring off the normies. He relishes in saying gross things, being gross, all while acting as if he is so much more sophisticated than he is.

It doesn't help that the book is narrated in first person. This goes back to how I described the experience of reading Dead Inside to be equivalent to working a shift with a coworker that is very much not your friend who disrespects you the same way a friend would tease. It's just plain oblivious. Our necrophiliac incel narrator is the epitome of the Riverdale meme where Jughead says "I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in. And I don't want to fit in." Like, Christ man, we get it, you don't shower and your hair is greasy and people don't want to be around you not because you're "weird", but because you're inconsiderate and unhygienic and put 0 effort into anything whatsoever. Having to listen to the narrator's commentary on how he's aware how disturbing his own actions are, how he knows the ordinary person would see him as a freak, it's just so lame. That's the only word I have for it, really. Just completely and utterly lame. This novel reads with the same tone as a Reddit incel jerk-off posting about Elliot Rodger. It's just pathetic, but there's no pity there. It's entirely self-induced patheticness that the narrator excuses as being "unique."

It's fine to have characters in books that are frustrating, irritating, that make you just want to smack them upside the head for yapping too long. But it's never a good sign when the person I want most desperately to shut the fuck up is the narrator. It's not good writing if my method of making the narrator quit talking is closing the book and contemplating whether or not it's even worth finishing. Extraordinarily poor quality character. But it's not intentional - we are supposed to find this character disturbing, threatening, and eerily fucked up. We're supposed to wonder why he got this way, and what it will take to break him. We are supposed to hate him, and relish in his demise. I feel nothing but exasperation from this man. The simplest way to resolve my hatred for him is to close the book and put it away. I don't give a fuck what happens to him. I don't think he even deserves my attention, and he's the narrator. This is bad.

3. And finally. Excuses.

This complaint is a short, but prudent one. The writing quality is mediocre at best. One of the biggest rules of any creative work, but particularly writing, art, and filmmaking, is that your audience is smarter than you think. Leave things open for interpretation. Leave opportunity for ponderance, and analysis. Show, don't tell.

Dead Inside is all tell, with nothing to show. Our narrator is a loser, but Morrison doesn't let us own it. Instead, excuses are made; the most infuriating example of this is after our narrator has finished fornicating with a poor, lifeless victim. The section goes:

"... but my lovers are all equipped with the best birth control the world can offer. As in, dead reproductive systems. I know that goes without saying, but I like to say it." (p. 21)

If it goes without saying, then don't say it. The segment would have been entirely fine without that last remark; if anything, it would have been better, and bolstered the narrator's character as a whole! And this is only one of the outright examples I have of this characterization.

The bitter, dark humor of our narrator would have been brilliantly given if the quote ended at "dead reproductive systems." We would have been left with the pure objectification and lack of emotion our narrator possesses, how he sees dead bodies purely as anatomical tools for his own peak control and pleasure, his own performance. We as the audience would have been victims of him as well, subjected to listen to the gross things he says and does and entirely unable to resist it-- pure puppets for his sick fantasies, just like the corpses he violates. It would have illustrated an actual level of mystique and unsettling nature to the relationship between narrator and narrated and audience. The novel's ongoing themes of fetish and object, the definitions of violation, it all would have been so interesting if only the narrator didn't say something so juvenilely self-aware every five seconds, like he's vying for our attention and approval. Look!!, Morrison makes our narrator constantly wave his hands in our face like a child, Look!! Isn't that fucked up!! Look at how fucked up I can be! Tell me I'm gross, tell me I'm weird!! Look at how gross that is, right!! That's scary, right??

No. It's annoying, and it gets old before it even got a chance to start.

Again, I'm 25 pages into a 191 page book. It's mid as fuck. I hope it turns around, but I don't think it will-- I can see from only 15% where this story is going, I bet I can plot out most if not the entire rest of the book. I think the concept is one spooky "what-if" that goes no deeper than that. Honestly, I'm really disappointed. I wanted to be disturbed. I don't have much motivation to keep reading this book except the pervasive nagging of my soul to finish most books I pick up. Plus, I want to know if I'm wrong about how dog this has so far turned out to be.

If you made it this far, holy shit. Congrats. You're running the Athens marathon by reading this. You're amazing. I'm giving you a small kiss on the forehead.

[sleepanonymous]

Posting here for reasons! Ok so! To whom it may concern, idk! Call me a party pooper & an old head for this but all this "tummy" talk about III is rubbing me the wrong way. This isn't meant to make anyone feel bad at all! I come in peace!!! BUT! Y'all know the guys see a lot of what we talk about, right? I've seen it done about Vess as well before, concerning stretch marks. Can you imagine people posting zoomed in photos of your stretch marks or bloated tummy all over the Internet, and having full blown discourse about it? You'd be mortified! Would you say the same things about or to the Sleepy ladies...? Probably not. 🤔 Maybe I'm being a giant hypocrite. Sure. There's some nuance here and I know most of the comments usually come from a sweet & silly place because we love them SO sooo much!!❤️ And I am surely not immune to speaking on their physical appearance as well but never would I purposely say things that could make the guys possibly feel insecure or crappy under Instagram posts or whatever. These men have insecurities just like you and I. Yeah, it comes with the territory, blah blah blah, ect... But I'll tell you right now.... I can promise you, at least I feel I can speak on III.... He don't like it! lol So please show some respect in that matter. I guess my point is, if you care about the Sleepy dudes like I do, please pause before you say something that might make another human feel shitty about their body. We all struggle and you wouldn't like it if the tables were turned onto you. I truly come in peace! I love you all! 💖

Hello love 🖤 Sorry it took so long for me to get to this ask, by the time I got home from errands I had a migraine so I took a nap instead of getting online.

I don’t want to add too much to this post, since I think you’ve stated everything fairly clearly. I could easily fall into that hypocrite pile with you (I poke a lot of fun at the Eepy Guys, and even thirst over them, especially in more “private” online spaces like group chats/Discord). But even coming from good intentions, the comments could definitely be interpreted as malicious and hurtful. I’ve always struggled with body image/self esteem, so I think that’s why I reacted so negatively to that one nasty comment made about Vessel’s face.

One last thing to add, and not to scare anyone but just to add a little extra mindfulness to this ask: The band do 100% lurk and have burner accounts for online spaces. I’ve been told this by three different sources at this point, so I’m inclined to believe it.

P.S. I don’t mind being a mouthpiece for longer, more serious posts like this, especially if you DM me first 🖤

[dreamypurplesky]

So I wrote a letter for my ex best friend who doesn't want to talk to me anymore for reasons best known to him. I never post anything I write because that makes me feel vulnerable and I hate it. But this time I figured that if there's even a slightest chance of this letter reaching him, it's through the internet and not in the depths of my notes app. So I'm baring my soul to strangers by putting this out there, please treat it kindly.

A letter to my dearest friend.

Yes, you heard it right. You're my dearest friend even if we don't talk anymore. Actually, that doesn't change anything at all, nothing can. You'll always be my dearest friend. Suck it up. I'm writing this because I'm starting to forget you and it scares the shit out of me. I was laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, reminiscing our time together - like I've done countless nights so far. More specifically, I was trying to piece together a poem about you in which I needed to list a few things that you like. My mind went blank for a brief moment. That's not good. I used to be able to instantly say that you liked music, making music. You also liked playing basketball and training in jiu-jitsu and programming. You liked looking up at the stars. You liked talking about philosophical stuff and you liked photography. That was what brought us closer in the first place. You liked working out and you liked mangoes. This is just me panicking and noting down everything I remember about you so if it ever starts to fade away, I can come back here to retain my memory. You also liked me. Oh, how could I ever forget that? You were probably the first person who ever actually liked me. I never thought I'd have to try so hard not to forget you. Our memories have claw marks on them from me holding on too tight. But I guess it was stupid of me to expect this to last forever. I mean, the world was in lockdown when we met so we were just two kids who had plenty of time to kill. Looking back, it probably didn't mean anything more than that to you. Or did it? I don't know. The way you moved on so easily tells me my guess is correct. However, it was very real for me. It was more than just a friendship developed out of boredom. You showed me who I really am, taught me how to value myself, and left me with so many beautiful moments to cherish. I've always told everyone I've met after you that there can never be another guy like you. I adore you, I really do. And it has got me fucked up. I'm out here stalking your Linkedin, for fuck's sake, like someone who has lost their goddamn mind. You've got a girlfriend and a big boy job and all, why would you bother to engage with a sad girl you met online who wrote poems about you? I understand your decision. I'll always understand. I promised, remember? Nothing you do will ever be looked down upon by me.

Tumhari narazagi bhi hume qubool hai,

kyuki vo tumhari hai.

Or jo tumhara hai,

vo mujhe sabse pyaara hai.

(Even your abandonment is accepted by me, as it is yours. And what's yours, is the dearest to me)

I wake up in the middle of the night and frantically check my discord to see if, perhaps, a miracle occurred that made you text. I always go back to sleep disheartened. But it's okay, I don't blame any of it on you. In fact, I'm grateful that I even got to know you. And I'm so pissed at myself for letting you go that first time. I am sorry for taking you granted. Your birthday's coming up soon and as much as I want to wish you, I don't want you to think I'm some desperate creep, even though I am. So I'll just write a note on The Unsent Project and console myself. If this message ever reaches you av, know that you can always come back to me. Even if it's 50 years later and the world is ending. I'll always wait to hear from you again.