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astrologyandlife · 3 years

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jupiter and saturn together in the natal chart

i have noticed that, in many of my readings, people have both jupiter and saturn sitting in the same house of their natal chart. this makes sense because a conjunction between the two occurs every 20 years. and to me, this signals an important theme: the need to overcome struggle to unlock the opportunities of that house.

first house - there's difficulty expressing yourself fully. it's like you want to be optimistic and have faith in yourself, but something is holding you back from that. you are almost afraid of being let down. as a result, you carry around this fear and caution about everything. you doubt yourself. when people first meet you, these struggles can be visible to them. the important thing here is that you are the cultivator of your experience, and when you can work through your feelings about yourself and your environment, you will notice that you attract good luck and opportunity. you have the power to consciously change how you approach the world around you through a smile, a little bit of faith, and a more positive attitude. second house - growing up, you lacked some form of security in your life. this could have been in the form of coming from a poorer background, or having a parent(s) that did not consistently care for you in some way. and because you were not valued by those in your early environment, you struggle to ascribe value to yourself. you may develop habits of holding onto things out of fear that you will never have them again. the lesson from this placement is to understand your own worth, and to know that you are entitled to a comfortable, happy, satisfying life. using this framework you will attract wealth and opportunity. third house - the hardest part about this placement is that you feel as though you are somehow "stupid" or your ideas aren't worthwhile. you could have struggled in your early school years for various reasons ranging from not understanding the material to being in an environment that refused to accommodate your needs. you rarely share your own ideas, and you fear being rejected, wrong, or made fun of by others. you must let go of this hesitation and remind yourself that you have valuable ideas to share with the world. you have the power to persuade, to motivate, and to invigorate. in fact, once you stop second-guessing yourself, you will notice that your genius shines proudly. fourth house - your early childhood experiences were, and still are, challenging for you. you could have experienced hardship as a result of being treated poorly by your parents or even going through some trauma in the home, especially if saturn makes aspects to mars or pluto. you have fears stemming from your childhood that hold you back. what is going to be important for you is building a home for yourself that is safe, secure, and stable. in doing so, your chosen family will grow and provide you with the support you need to flourish. fifth house - you have artistic and creative talents, but it is possible that when you were younger, you received heavy messaging that these talents were in some way invaluable or unimportant. As a result, relaxation and self-expression on a creative level is severely restricted. you feel like you always have to justify the things you love. however, you are allowed to simply exist and enjoy things for their sake. once you allow yourself to be creative to the extent you are capable, you will find that it will bring opportunity and happiness to you. sixth house - i definitely get the sense that you have had to be responsible from a very young age, taking care of the chores around the house, watching over yourself, etc. perhaps your parents were particularly strict with you and imposed a lot of restrictions on your daily life. these lessons instilled within you have lead you to desire routine and organization, because you fear chaos. you also tend to put too much on yourself, leading to burnout and extreme stress. here you must unlearn any negative habits or routines you have created for yourself, including overworking yourself. in doing so, you will feel much more calm and collected, which will help you physically and mentally. seventh house - there is a lot of stress and anxiety that comes from long-term relationships. the biggest fear here is the fear that you will never find someone who can fully love and commit to you. though you have a lot to offer, you feel completely

inexperienced or as though you are nothing special. there can be a tendency to downplay your own gifts and strengths. as a result, you feel very lonely in your early life and may be distrustful of love. you are afraid of opening yourself up to rejection and pain, so you avoid forming strong attachments or giving too much of yourself. having faith in yourself and what you have to offer, as well as being confident, will attract people who have an abundance of love and affection to give to you. eighth house - this placement can be heavily indicative of one or more life-changing, traumatic experiences, namely when pluto is involved. this experience has transformed you in some major way, likely inducing a fear of change or the unknown within you. you hold on to these memories and this pain in your heart, which stunts your growth as a person. the second half of the healing must be a conscious act by you, wherein you decide that you have what it takes to continue surviving. there is definitely a need for complete rebirth here. once you have come out on the other side, the magic of life itself will be revealed to yourself. you will become resilient in ways you could never imagine, and you will have the strength to overcome anything. ninth house - i have the feeling that your early life was extremely narrow and did not allow you to explore the world around you properly. perhaps your parents were extremely overprotective of you, or overbearing in sharing their opinions with you, and this was a very suffocating feeling. your own opinions and ideas were not welcome by the people in your life, and often they were even shut down. so you must start anew with your independence. remain open and take time to immerse yourself in anything you can, especially ideas radically different from your own. by opening your mind, jupiter will reward you with a wealth of knowledge and experience from which you can draw. tenth house - early on in your life, ideas of what it means to be successful, accomplished, and a productive member of society were heavily pushed on you by the people in your life. you almost feel as though you aren't meant to have agency in your own future, because you are trying to do what you are "supposed" to do. your parents could have been a bit overbearing in trying to prepare you for the future. trusting yourself and forming your own ideas of success and fulfillment will lead to you experiencing much more opportunity within your career. you must overcome a fear of failure here. eleventh house - on a deep level, you feel completely alone in the world. you feel as though it is impossible for anyone to truly understand you, or that they would even want to try. you are a deeply lonely person at times. i could see this placement as indicating that you were a social outcast or somehow distanced from others in your youth, leading to you believing there is something fundamentally wrong with you that prevents you from forming meaningful relationships. you doubt yourself, thinking, am i boring? am i too plain? am i unlikeable? here, you must cast these thoughts away and put forth effort anyways. twelfth house - the biggest struggle with this is that you feel unable to let go of the past and to forgive yourself. the biggest obstacle here is yourself. you have these feelings like you have done too much bad, or something you have done in the past is irredeemable. you may find that, in times of particular stress, you have nightmares or trouble sleeping. the twelfth house challenges you to let go of all of these things, to forgive yourself. you have to look at your pain and grief and allow yourself to feel it, then to let it go. in some way, you have to completely allow yourself to dissolve. after you do these things, you will find that your life as a whole improves, and you can handle anything much better.

some notes as well:

the closer to conjunction the two are, the more intensely this is felt by the native

if they aspect the sun, moon, or angles, these lessons will come up in the individual's day-to-day life

if jupiter is closer to the beginning of the house, it can lessen the impact of saturn

#astrology #saturn #jupiter #first house #second house #third house #fourth house #fifth house #sixth house #seventh house #eighth house #ninth house #tenth house #eleventh house #twelfth house

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thelightofthingshopedfor · 3 years

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do you have any thoughts on Loki's "death" in TDW? like, was he somehow planning something like that (i don't think so but stilll)? how did he even survive, let alone manage to glamour himself and get back to Asgard so soon after being stabbed?? i have so many thoughts and feelings about TDW but i can't stop wondering about all this

oh I very much have thoughts! for various reasons, I think it was a very real injury and Loki absolutely believed he was dying--partly because I like that better in terms of whump, angst, and characterization, but also because it's just...simpler? that was the actual behind-the-scenes intent when the scene was filmed, for one thing, that this was it for Loki and it was supposed to be a sacrificial, redemptive death, and as far as I know the filmmakers didn't change anything about the actual scene, just added the bits that let him come back. for another, if it was fake--if Loki decided in advance at some point to fake his own death or he took advantage of a split-second opportunity when he confronted the Kursed--that just raises so many questions about how much of it was faked, and how he was able to do it at all when Ragnarok in particular went out of its way to establish that Loki's illusions aren't solid to the touch and in fact can't do much of anything except stand there and talk. for that matter, Loki's play in Ragnarok actually has him expanding on what he's sorry for specifically, with Thor forgiving him for each one, and...I mean I know the play is mostly supposed to be funny, but to me the additional detail provided by the play just strengthens my impression that he was being sincere when it really happened.

the show does complicate this by establishing that Classic Loki was able to create a solid illusion that fooled Thanos, and at this point I am honestly not sure whether or not his nexus event being what it was means that Classic Loki essentially didn't exist as a separate being until he did that. so it's...possible that Classic Loki was better at illusions than Sacred Timeline Loki because they actually did have somewhat different histories. but as far as I can tell, we're meant to understand that they were the same person right up to the point of divergence, when for one reason or another Classic Loki made a different choice than Sacred Timeline Loki did. (my general thought there: Sacred Timeline Loki thought about doing what Classic Loki actually did, but he discarded the idea because he wasn't confident enough that it would work, and he was positive Thanos wouldn't leave both him and Thor alive--so he gave Thanos a reason to kill him instead of Thor. Classic Loki was just a little more scared to die or a little more confident in his abilities, I guess.)

(I am only okay with talking about Loki's death, this many years later, because I only ever consider it in a context where he came back later or didn't fully die to begin with, because I am a normal person with normal issues about fictional characters.)

anyway, TDW. even with the baseline assumption that the injury was real and Loki believed he was dying, which is my firm belief, there's room for a lot of different options in terms of Loki's intentions and the reasons for his survival, and I guess I'm not...married to any of those options over the others? I usually approach it in fic with the idea that Loki believed he was dying, woke up again after all, and was like "...well great, I guess I have to deal with this now." but he could have been badly injured when he woke up, or he could have been in much better shape because his body healed itself quite a bit while he was unconscious, or he could have actually died and come back to life for a lot of different reasons, or it's possible the injury wasn't as bad in the first place as Thor and Loki both assumed, or Jotnar have some of their vital organs in different enough places that his body kinda shifted internally as he was dying and then the injury was no longer fatal, or Jotnar can kind of go into a hibernation-like healing coma that would look like death to anyone who didn't know better, or...honestly, there are tons of options for the actual mechanics of Loki's survival. at that point I think it's reasonable to assume Loki decided for a lot of different reasons that he didn't want anyone to know he was still alive, at least not yet, so he patched himself up with the magical equivalent of a big bandaid and went back to Asgard in disguise. he might have intended to overthrow Odin before he went there, or it might have been a spur-of-the-moment decision when he actually confronted Odin, based on something Odin said or did--and he could've had a lot of different motivations for that too, which we really don't know because we never see what happened between them.

now, I do think one aspect of all this was premeditated, which was: the second Loki left his cell, I think he had absolutely zero intention of walking back into it, and all his actions afterward had the underlying motivation of not going back to that cell even if he didn't have any firm plans on how he might accomplish that. I think he probably considered a lot of options, and deliberately faking his own death was one of them, but I don't think that's what he actually meant to do at that particular moment because there were way too many variables for him to have planned it. I think he would've been okay with actually dying and was maybe more reckless for that reason than he would've been otherwise. if he'd made it to the end of the battle when Malekith was defeated, maybe he would've tried to sneak off or convince Thor to let him go. I can't remember if I've said this in a fic I've actually posted or not, but I think it occurred to him that if Thor wouldn't let him go, he could force Thor to kill him instead (probably using Jane as leverage), so there was a sense of relief when things unfolded the way they did because now he wouldn't have to do that and he could die loved instead of hated.

so, I mean...the whole thing is complicated, but because there's so much we don't know about exactly what happened, pretty much any speculation can answer the questions as long as it fits the facts we do have.

#my meta #loki meta #marvel cinematic universe #thor: the dark world #thor #loki #odin #conversations #anonymous #classic loki #avengers: infinity war #loki show #thanos #death

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wisteria-lodge · 3 years

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lion primary (bird model) + slightly burnt lion secondary

Hi there! I’m a fan of your sorting posts, and of your kind and insightful way of supporting people in finding out more about themselves. So naturally I’d be very interested in your take about my own sorting, if you’re game! :)

I won’t talk much about my Secondary, because now that I’m starting to unburn my Lion seems very clear to me, even when my explosion-prone Badger model still tries to get in the way of that clarity sometimes. The more interesting riddle is my Primary. So far I’m operating under the working theory that I am a Lion with a very strong Bird model - or is it the other way ‘round?

The supposed dichotomy between “thinking” and “feeling” in many of the more binary personality models has always bugged me, so it’s no wonder this is the area where whenever I feel like I’ve decided on who I am (for now) a new question mark pops up (so much fun!).

If ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ doesn’t work for you as terminology, it might help to think of Lion as leading with subconscious reasoning, and Bird as leading with conscious reasoning.

Instead of trying to formulate a cohesive text, which would have gotten even longer, I’m putting together an associative list of thoughts and stories that kept turning up while I was trying to figure out my Primary.

A very Lion primary way to solve a problem, not gonna lie ;)

- I think I got my Bird model from my father, who made quite an effort to teach me to look at things from all angles. As a child, whenever I got in a fight with this friend I had, he would sit me down and ask me to put myself in my friend’s shoes. It was hard, because a lot of the time my friend was being unfair to me and I actually could have used some support, someone to tell me that it was not okay to treat me this way. But I’m still immeasurably grateful for my father’s lessons, through which I’ve learned to understand peoples’ motivations and gained an understanding for the complexities of every conflict. He also taught me to doubt, to look closer, to not just believe the first thing I see, or want to see. To this day I still consider my ability to pin down the relevant factors of a situation before I make judgments one of my strengths.

That definitely sounds like a very strong, beloved Bird model.

- Whenever I had to write an essay at school or uni, I first had to come up with some aspect about the subject that I really cared about, even could be passionate about. (I am passionate about many things, so it was usually possible to find some connection to that.) Then I would use the essay to discuss this aspect in great detail, ending with a polemic flourish. I had the time of my life doing that; meanwhile the text would structure itself magically in relation to the issue I had chosen to focus on. Whenever I tried to write without such a focus, I’d get bored, stressed and the text would be of a much lower quality.

- Something similar happened in oral exams at uni: Only when I got the opportunity to bring a discussion paper (a few pointed statements regarding the exam topic) which I could then debate, I was able to recollect all the important details I needed for that. If I just had to report on the topic or answer questions, I often got confused, to the point of drawing a complete blank.

Linking things to emotion and passion - thinking with emotion and passion, basically - is a Lion primary thing. Especially if doing that makes you feel safe & comfortable & effective & happy.

- Even as a teenager I was very interested in philosophy, ethics and moral decision making.

I love teaching philosophy to teenagers. It’s the perfect time for it, they are so into it, and if it were up to me I would absolutely make it a required class.

I picked up certain philosophical ideas and concepts that I liked and integrated them in my belief system (yes, I know how very Bird that sounds).

I had my mind blown by Genealogy of Morals in high school, and I still won’t shut about Eichmann in Jerusalem. But what was so staggering to me in high school was… here are these ways of thinking that are possible and allowed. The fact that here they are in words in front of me made me a great deal more expansive.

Now that I think about it — I don’t remember adjusting my beliefs as in any way traumatic back then. The shift from a belief in the Christian God to Mother Goddess to my very own brand of agnostic paganism was smooth, natural.

Now that I think about it… I would describe myself as a mythic relativist (which is a term I just made up.) Systems of belief are metaphors, and they’re metaphors trying to describe and say something large and beautiful about what it means to be human, and what it means to live a good life. And since we are all human, they are all attempting to describe the same central, indescribable thing in different ways.

I feel this very deeply, but it took me a long while to be able to articulate it.

I constantly reevaluate, and I adapt.

You stop reevaluating and adapting, might as well be dead.

Still, there are some basics I’ve kept with me that just make too much sense to me to give up, and some that perhaps I keep because I just really like them and I’m kind of attached to them.

… somebody’s thinking with Pathos :)

- I’m a constructivist at heart, so that makes it much easier to tweak the content of my beliefs while staying true to the principle that we (socially) construct our reality, and (my take on this): that I choose what kind of world I want to live in, and according to that I make choices which are the most likely to create that world.

- At uni I attended a seminar about the development of moral judgment and action. What I remember most clearly about it is how much it bugged me that the other students didn’t seem to understand that morality always depends on the perspective. Even though I had definite moral convictions that I was ready to fight for, at the same time it seemed obvious to me that theoretically there could be a justification for every kind of moral guideline; it depended on your principles and the world you wanted to live in.

A human after my own heart.

I wanted to understand these different perspectives, not talk about empty categories like “right and wrong” or “good and evil” that meant nothing to me. I still feel that way.

Absolutely. I don’t use alignments when I DM Dungeons & Dragons. I mean, I can list evil *things* but that’s not the same thing as defining *being evil.* I want to know WHY these people did these evil things.

It just seems so impractical and complicated to base a conversation on those broad categories that don’t have any definition people can agree on instead of referring either to defined principles (in order to explain what good/ bad is *for you*) or consequences of certain actions, and whether you want them/ accept them/ don’t want them.

Oh that’s a fun discussion. Asking a highschooler to define “evil.”

(and then they have to figure out what moral systems Jigsaw, Pinhead, the Joker, and Bane all subscribe to.)

- Between “the Revolutionary” and “the Grail Knight”, I would love to be the former, but I’m clearly the latter. I’m someone who questions, not someone who knows.

Take my archetypes with a grain of salt, they are supposed to describe characters. (Who are different from people - but still useful, because they are attempts to describe us.) I actually want to write more about the differences I see between the way fictional secondaries are written and the way real-life secondaries work.

And just “knowing”... is dangerous. That’s how Exploded Lions happen.

There are a lot of causes I find worthy to fight for, but I haven’t committed to any one, which so far I’ve attributed to my Burned Secondary (How do I do things?).

Sounds about right.

If I’m honest, though, it feels a bit strange to really, really fight for anything. I’d rather contribute to the cause by keeping an eye on whether we stay aligned to our values on every level of the fight, not by storming sightlessly in front of some army. (I got polemic again, didn’t I? ;))

So after all this Bird talk, why do I think that I’m a Lion?

… that was the Bird segment?

- I trust my intuition. It has never steered me wrong, with one exception: My Primary burned for a time when I first understood the concept of privilege and internalized bias, which was coincidentally at a time when I also went through a lot of changes in my personal life. Like many people unaware of their own privilege, I had thought of myself as “one of the good ones”. I learned that even with the best intentions I could cause great harm without even noticing it. This then also happened to me in a relationship, when I was already confused, hurt and more than a bit burned. It seemed like I couldn’t trust my intuition anymore, but I also couldn’t figure out intellectually what to believe, because I felt mentally overwhelmed by all those new concepts, all of which put my previous convictions into question. Which Primary burned then?

Been there, done that, it’s brutal. It sounds to me like a Lion dramatically changing direction - that’s what I mean when I say that it *hurts* when a Lion changes their mind. Birds see their past selves that thought wrong as almost different people. “I wasn’t aware of my privilege then, now I am, and can take steps doing forward.” But if you’re a lion it’s like… I *should* have been aware, and the fact that I wasn’t says something terrible about my moral/emotional calibration, and THAT has to be put right.

- I felt like everything I had learned about the world and myself didn’t count anymore. My concepts and my strategies didn’t serve me anymore. So I started to rebuild everything from scratch, this time with less pride and more practicality.

Yeah. That’s some Lion recalibration. With a Bird Model, to help.

- Anyway, I trust my intuition. It contains my experiences, instinct and all my accumulated unconscious observations of the situation, and it’s very reliable. Usually I use it as an important source of information which I try to back up with data/ understanding, but when push came to shove and the apparent facts would contradict what my intuition told me, I would be unable to set my gut feeling aside. I wouldn’t follow it blindly, of course. But I would never just go against it either. If the voices of my unconscious and conscious mind don’t align, I keep poking at the issue until they do. If I absolutely cannot come to a satisfying conclusion, I go with my gut. Since I know it usually knows what it’s doing, I’ll find out the reasons for my feelings later. (Weird, says my inner bird who is busy compiling these examples.)

I’LL FIND THE REASON FOR MY FEELINGS LATER. What a perfect way of articulating what is perhaps the central experience of being a Lion primary.

- Probably I’m just both, you know. Some interesting lion/bird-chimaera. I like it.

I read you as a pretty clear Lion Primary, Bird primary model. But as always, the decision is very personal.

- I have a weird way of processing information: I read/ hear it, work to understand it, work to connect it to existing knowledge in my mind, then my beliefs, my existing knowledge and my feelings about it all wind around each other, grow into each other, some dissolve together, becoming a swamp which then nourishes the plants of new ideas and connections that grow from it.

You grok it. And that’s not weird.

I often can’t remember where certain knowledge came from. I can’t take it out of a memory shelf and tell you about it. I usually remember that I’ve read a certain book and whether I liked it / it influenced me, but I won’t exactly remember what was in it, even if it was important to me. Because all that information is already processed/ digested/ transformed into something new. It’s much easier to access my memory swamp intuitively than consciously.

and you seriously had like… any doubt that you were a Lion.

In intellectual discussions I tend to get stuck because I just can’t remember enough of the details (for my satisfaction), just my conclusions about the topic and how I feel about it.

I’m inclined to think that not accessing the details is either a secondary thing, or an entirely unrelated processing thing.

What do you make of all this? I’m very curious!

[On an unrelated note, I’d like to specify the compliment I made at the beginning of this post. I’m really impressed with your ability to pick up on what people need, not just what they say they want. As a counselor this is a skill I try to hone, so I know how difficult it is to not get too distracted by the story people tell and miss the more subtle cues. You have a powerful combination of perceptiveness, insight and so much kindness, which you use to effectively support people who have questions, are in distress or confused. You don’t generalize. You don’t judge. You see the people who talk to you. I love that you’re a teacher, because I can see you’re using the influence that gives you in a way that contributes to making the world a better place. Fellow Idealist, I’d like to give you a High Five for that, if I may. :)))]

I’m not sure I’ve ever been given a better compliment. Thank you.

#submission #sortinghatchats #lion primary #lionpri #bird primary vs lion primary #philosophy stuff

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beautifulterriblequeen · 3 years

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The Thief and the Tinker, Part 4: Circles and Cycles

part 3

Part 4

Viren: *smirks and plinks Runaan's coin to Ethari*

Ethari, furious: You throw another Moonshadow at me and I'm gonna lose it.

Circles and Cycles

Angst rating: 8/10

Back to Ethari, because we're not done with him yet. Ethari is soft, but he isn't weak. He won't be a willing pawn for Viren. He loves Runaan to the point of invention, and his devotion is more constant than the moon itself. He'll agree to do what Viren says, and he'll be Very Sad. But his spirit is in no way broken. Viren bribing him with the coins containing his family will only have the opposite effect. It'll give Ethari something to fight for.

We could get Focused Chaos Ethari. We could get Angery Trickster Ethari. We could get Rules, What Rules? Ethari. Let him try to steal the coins, try to break them, try to kill Viren, and be stymied at every turn, until he settles and seems cowed. And then all he does is craft his way out of the problem.

What if we are gifted with Iron Man Elf Ethari, who pretends to build a fake Key for Viren, but meanwhile he's really building a coinbuster with whatever he can get his hands on - primal stones, magically imbued gemstones, stolen artifacts, his own arcanum, his own reputation as the Master Craftsman of the Silvergrove. He'll use almost - almost - anything, to stop Viren and free his family.

Ethari may have to choose between those two things, though. And he's a hero, deep down, just like his family, just like his daughter. If he has to choose, he'll choose to stop Viren and save Xadia. He'll pay the same price as his family has if he must.

He'd let Viren think he was motivated purely by wanting his family back, but Ethari is far too steeped in the illusion and sacrifice for that to be all there is to his motives. It's a so-close-and-yet-so-far thing, how he and Viren almost embody the same ideals. Almost. Ethari would take one look at Viren, who just burnt down his whole Forest, he'd see the biggest threat in Xadia, and he'd say anything to get a chance to stop this juggernaut of destruction from getting his hands on whatever that ultimate power really is, locked behind that missing key. If he has to abandon his people and bawl his eyes out to convince Viren he's in, then he will.

And Viren wouldn't make it easy for him. He knows clever when he sees it. He went through all this trouble to persuade Ethari to work with him. He would need to keep Ethari as off-balance as possible to ensure that he keeps working as he should.

Angsty jewelry, anyone?

Viren giving Ethari his husband in pendant form to remind him what he's working for, when Viren and Ethari both know full well that only dark magic can open the hellcoins. Ethari wearing another pendant of his love, except it's not a metaphor this time. It's literally his love, in a coin around his neck.

Viren would love making Ethari stay close to him of his own free will if he ever hoped to free Runaan. Making people bind themselves to you is a big power flex. Remember that TDP stream future-season teaser note about Bait being in a creepy restraint in a future season?

This card is written on in all-caps, so that really could be "Bait" or "bait," or--knowing this show--both. Viren's been using Runaan as bait for Ethari all along. Putting his coin in a dark magic pendant casing for Ethari to wear would be a great parallel for that. Oh god. Oh man.

Maybe he'll stab the coin's scary casing right through that circle on Ethari's chest, right over his heart, make that Iron Man reference really obvious. Ethari also losing his shirt at some point, for angsty Viren-related reasons? It's more likely than you think. I mean... Ethari is literally involved in both forms of forging at this point. Shirt's gotta come off for uhhhh work reasons. And because he's hot. Because of all the forging. Mmhmm. I mean how else are we finally going to discover what his markings look like this is research I swear

I mentioned that I liked god-tier villains, right? Yeah, this is amazing. I haven't wanted to die and ascend over an idea for quite a while, but Ethari vs Viren in a drawn-out battle of wills would kill me in the best way. Especially since, while it looks like they're essentially fighting for who gets Runaan, they're truly fighting a much larger battle with much higher stakes. They're fighting for the future itself. It's an epic struggle between the Narrative of Strength and the Narrative of Love. And we've seen what happens, over and over, when the Narrative of Strength gets to call the shots.

On a meta note: If Ruthari's story arc isn't a love letter from one trauma survivor to another, and on a broader scope to all survivors who see it, I don't know what is. Sometimes life just chews us up and spits us out and we can't stop it and it breaks us. But sometimes we can reach out and grasp the chance to help each other, even after that, even when it hurts a lot, because we know what it means to be loved, and to love, and to want a safer future for each other and for people we'll never meet. The future is worth standing together for, helping each other back up for, fighting side by side for, even if you can't see how it'll end, or even how to begin. We are stronger together, and sometimes we need to fight for our "together" before we can fight for anything else. And that's worth it, every time.

This is glorious, it's beautiful, it's tragic, it's amazing, it makes me want to dance, it makes me want to scream into the void, it makes me want to slap someone with a semi truck. No, someone specific, don't worry, and he super deserves it.

Because Ethari is going to win. He was always going to win. He's soft, and he's clever, and he hasn't forgotten what love means. It's what he's fighting for. Not power, not control. Love. He doesn't want to dictate Runaan's future or anyone else's. He just wants his husband--and everyone else--to have one at all.

So he's going to win.

What thwarting Viren looks like, I couldn't possibly guess. TDP is no stranger to angst, so there will probably be a high cost involved in outwitting the dark mage. Maybe not everyone can be rescued from the coins. Maybe Ethari will lose his life, or his soul, or his vision, or something else really angsty. Viren could even kill him and resurrect him as a smoky craftsman, or a zombie craftsman, or something equally biddable but horrible. The only thing I'm sure of is that Ethari would never willingly make a working Key of Aaravos Ethari as long as there's a chance Viren could possess it. But I do believe that if he gets the right opportunity while he's busy saving the world from Viren's dark intentions, he'll break his husband's hellcoin open somehow and set him free, even if he has to smile at the devil to do it.

Ethari understands the difference between "you can" and "therefore you should." He might sacrifice his own world to save his husband, but he'd never sacrifice someone else's world. That's one of the Moonshadow cultural limits I've noticed: they accept boundaries when it comes to other people's autonomous rights, especially regarding life and death.

These limits could get pushed. Ethari will be under great duress and emotional strain if he goes through this kind of interaction with Viren. And maybe he will choose some dark things. Everyone else has. But I'm placing all my eggs in the basket labeled "Saved By Love." Either I'm right, or I'll get the best angst omelets in the universe. And I do love omelets. A villain invented them, you know. ;)

Another support for Ethari not making the key for Viren: the real Key exists!

Callum has it right now. The plot doesn't need Ethari's key (yet? ever?), but it does need Ethari to learn what he's made of, to stand up for something, or against something, or both at once. And once he learns what he will and won't do and the universe has rewarded his discovery with the return of his beloved husband then Ethari will be ready to take on whatever else the plot has in mind for him.

Depending on the plan, all of these events could happen in S4, as a setup for even bigger things to follow. Viren's wishes can be thwarted here and the show's overall tension will only continue to rise. It would let Ethari flex yes pls his skills so we know who he is, it would show how driven Viren can be for a long-term goal, it would let Claudia saunter further downwards, it would reveal some human/Moonshadow history, and it would resolve the seasons-long tension regarding Runaan's fate, allowing for the cycle of speculation, feels, angst, and Ruthari fanart to begin again. ;) Viren would need to find another way to pursue his long-term goal. And Callum's Key will get a little more clarity on just how important it is to the fate of the world - which will make everything he does, and everyone he talks to, and anyone who knows what he's carrying, intensely important.

Nyx is gonna steal it isn't she, omg chaos birb

To Viren, Ethari was a main course, meant to be devoured and consumed in his lifelong quest for something that will finally satisfy. But to Ethari, Viren was just empty calories to be passed over in favor of ordering his perennial favorite dish, one more time.

Once Ethari escapes Viren's clutches with as much of his family as he can rescue, Viren may turn back to looking for the real Key, especially if someone's seen it recently. Hunting a kid probably seems easier than hunting a full-grown Moonshadow craftsman who just outsmarted him. okay so maybe Nyx stealing it would be a good thing and save Callum's life

Ethari could go on to help repair the Sunforge, or rebuild the Moonhenge, or work on constructing Moonshadow villages in Katolis if he hasn't been ghosted for abandoning everyone after the forest fire. He might build magical devices for any number of reasons, to help all kinds of characters. Hopefully, wherever he goes, he'll have Runaan with him, in some way, for at least a little while. Cycles be like, and I feel like Runaan will not want to remain still for long, for whatever reason. Does he need revenge, atonement, justice, a new body, to find Rayla, to find Ezran? He'll be back in action as soon as he can, I think.

Okay, but, I'm so soft at the thought of a scene where Runaan and Ethari come before King Ezran. The husbands tried to save their people Runaan's way, the old way, and it only continued to endanger them. Following the cycle, as Moonshadows do, was the wrong move. But the son of the last human Runaan killed reached out with mercy and broke a thousand years of suffering and sorrow and hatred. Ezran did what Runaan couldn't: he saved the Moonshadow elves from total destruction. And that, more than anything else in the world, could soften one very broody assassin's heart toward humans again.

What would Runaan do, if his heart truly changed toward humans? What would he say to Ezran? I could see him struggling for a long moment before dropping to one knee to pledge his heart as he once had to do before the Dragon Throne. He doesn't know any other way but to serve. Ezran, reading the whole room and everyone's feelings before he tells Runaan that No, we don't do that here. That he's free, and free means free. No chains, no oaths. Just trust and friendship. He should get to make his own decisions for a change, even though that can be hard and scary sometimes. Runaan being genuinely scared, because that's too much freedom. But he's not alone. He has Ethari, and Ezran, and Rayla, and Callum, and their people, and their allies. And no matter what else happens, the people of Katolis - elven and human - will find a way forward. Together.

part 5

#tdp #tdp theory #tdp speculation #tdp parallels #tdp angst #heavy angst #viren #ethari #runaan #moonshadow elves #hopepunk #ezran #runaan's super getting a tart of jelly tm

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eldritch-elrics · 3 years

Text

svsss: the (not so) grand return of peerless cucumber

so a LOT happened in the chapters i read last night (44-49) and i have. SO many thoughts

not as many as i had right after i read but i really had to go to bed so i couldn’t write them all up.....

i put some reactions in individual posts but i’ll repeat them here!

first of all. shang qinghua. fucked off to the demon realm. like, good for him? but also. i want to see my boy

binghe keeping sqq’s body??? xue yang vibes OFF the charts

so I’M IN LOVE WITH THE MUSHROOM PLOT

i love how every so often sv will hit me with a twist that is SO up my alley that i just. lose it a little bit

HE MADE HIMSELF A CLONE BODY OUT OF MAGICAL MUSHROOMS AND TRANSPORTED HIS SOUL INTO IT.

i love mushroom shit and i love bodyswapping and. my god.

the fact that sqq has died twice and been forced to inhabit 3 different bodies??? wei wuxian wishes he were this cool

sidenote but the mental image of sqq doing radio calisthenics in the forest is really funny. or maybe it’s just funny to me because of the associations i have with this one time in japanese class?

sqq’s new body looking like a cross between shen yuan and shen qingqiu is really interesting and perhaps... symbolic....?

also hey does this mean he doesn’t have to deal with the cureless poison anymore. i assumed that it would be cured in his eventual sexytimes with binghe but hmmm i guess not!

the point where i really lost it was when he realized he was disconnected from the system. i know now that it wasn’t permanent but that was just so interesting, how much he hates it and wants it gone. which makes sense! even though it has helped him get out of bad spots at times, it’s a sign that he’s not really from this world. now i’m just really curious what’s gonna happen to the system at the end of the novel. maybe it’ll shut off once he achieves the “goal” it’s seemed to have set for him and gets together with lbh?

also i’m glad that sqq seems to have matured a little bit in terms of his people skills / problem solving skills? though uh. remains to be seen how he’ll act in front of binghe when binghe realizes who he is

it also seems like i was completely wrong about sqq’s motivations for sacrificing himself lol. lot more selfish than i thought? but it makes sense! fun twist

mxtx sure likes to have her protagonists execute plots that they don’t tell the reader about until after they happen lol (i’m thinking of the golden core transfer)

uhh back to plot reactions

love the running joke about peerless cucumber. also the demon names... six balls <3

also hold on a minute, peerless cucumber is a dick joke? lmao

thank you airplane for making it clear binghe has a big dick. absolutely vital character information

so i’ve said this before but sqq’s narration really CARRIES this novel. here i’m thinking specifically about his diatribe against sha hualing’s nails

shl is pretty fun. sexy evil lady!

sqq can turn his fan into a blade. nie huaisang get ON that smh

yang yixuan my beloved!

also HAHA i predicted that sqq’s super mushroom powers could help the xin mo thing and i was RIGHT

so sqq is just. SO invested in getting the plot back on track. like with all the harem members and stuff. it’s so funny because like bro. surely you’ve noticed by now that things are going very differently than in pidw. and also... you don’t WANT to go back on the pidw track bc that would kill you!!!

so the system reactivates when binghe turns up right? i am thinking about. the fact that when it tries to reboot it’s like “contacting customer service”

WHO IS CUSTOMER SERVICE.

it’s so interesting because like... obviously the whole system thing is so much bigger than just A Book? it’s even got airplane trapped inside it. and he’s the fucking author! who is running this thing? and for what purpose?

sqq listening in on the gossip about how lbh is DEFINITELY obsessively in love with him was SO funny. poor man

so binghe. he has become so COLD

i don’t like it :(

once more. my dude go to therapy.

wait also random but sqq has a beard now and for some reason that’s so funny to me

life at the palace seems terrible lmao no one is doing ok

smh, mxtx protags keep dying and staying dead for huge amounts of time and then coming back in different bodies

the fact that binghe’s happiest memories are training with sqq :(

THE FACT THAT BINGHE IS ABSOLUTELY SHIT AT KISSING

my god. that entire scene

went from “awwww headpats” to “AAAAAAAA”

the fact that the system congratulates him i’m sjkdhgjhsdhgjsds poor sqq.... didn’t ask for this shit.......

after 50 chapters, he’s finally realized he turned the male lead gay <3 say goodbye to all those funny oblivious moments!

i had to stop there because it was way too late at night but wow. we shall see how this relationship progresses

i can’t see it improving anytime soon but at least sqq knows lbh likes him now???

i had a LOT of thoughts last night but now i’m pretty much just like. i really need to see where it goes before i make any judgements on bingqiu

rn i’m not a big fan because 1. sqq is so wildly uncomfortable (understandable lol, even if lbh thinks it’s just a dream) and 2. lbh is very obsessive and that’s not really my favorite trope. but like it’s obviously not meant to be a healthy relationship, at least definitely not right now, and i do like some good fucked up romance! i’m excited to see the developments where sqq realizes what his real feelings are

i’m also fairly neutral on binghe as a character atm. his main personality traits seem to be “obsessed with sqq” and “trying not to die from evil sword qi poisoning” and i don’t find that all that compelling? between him and lwj i have to say that mxtx’s love interest characters are not really my favorite, though i wouldn’t say i dislike either of them.

furthermore i’m slightly concerned with how lbh’s “i’m the main character and i get what i want” attitude is gonna affect the romance. i know there’s some dubconny stuff later which i can’t say i’m excited for but i am excited to see how binghe’s character is gonna develop in general

my aspirations for bingqiu is that they’re both able to eventually break free of the expectations of the system

because, look at this from sqq’s pov. there’s this ai in your head that has, for literal years, been steering you towards a romance that you (at least outwardly) don’t want. isn’t that fucking terrifying? i love it. the system (at least how i see it) has been bending the established plot of the world in order to make this happen. it’s like fate but you can see the gears turning.

and even if sqq does end up liking lbh back, can you imagine the existential crisis of like. wondering if he really CHOSE to get with binghe or if he was somehow compelled to by the system which acts based on binghe’s emotions?

i think that would be so interesting

however what i think is Actually going to happen (based on that one time when airplane was like “hey cucumber, uh, is lbh just a character to you or is there more...”) is that sqq is gonna realize that he’s had a bit of a crush on binghe since reading pidw and is only just now dealing with his internalized homophobia. so him getting together with binghe has less strings attached

i think there’s some opportunity here for a commentary on the soulmate trope? because svsss is just so steeped in themes about agency and fate. i think that would be really cool but we’ll have to see. i feel like the ending is gonna be simpler and happier than i want it to be but obviously i cannot make any judgements yet! i’m just having Thoughts :)

so, i also read one of the extras (the one where he goes with lqg to battle succubi) because the translation i’m reading recommended it! it was pretty fun

sqq SO clueless. like i get it, he doesn’t think he’s into anything other than Pretty Cis Women, but. sqq we’ll work on this

also ASKING LQG IF HE’S A VIRGIN. sqq literally stop

(that was so funny though)

liu qingge ACE RIGHTS

actually lqg’s outburst in this chapter was kind of bizarre and can be explained in a few different ways i think?

i really like the idea of him being aroace. thinks true love doesn’t exist etc

i feel like the intended implication of lqg’s outburst is that he’s realized madame meiyin is referring to binghe and is like “holy shit no sqq can’t be with Him”

maybe lqg is just homophobic?

but i. also kind of wonder if lqg is gay and in love with sqq? and is just putting up the “such deep love doesn’t exist” thing because he really doesn’t want sqq to know

there was that whole line where the succubus was like “well you’re not his soulmate you don’t know” and it made me think

on the other hand i can’t really see lqg liking sqq that way; they seem to have more of a Bro Bond

then again lqg does keep fighting binghe for sqq’s sake

either headcanon is fun! i’d be excited for more insight into lqg in general i think

#my god this is long #svsss #svsss spoilers #finn reads scum villain #my post

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but-first--tea · 4 years

Text

LFRP: Omori Kaya

THE BASICS

Full name: Omori Kaya

Pronunciation: Oh-Moh-Ree Kay-Uh (Omori is her surname, Kaya is her given name)

Nicknames: n/a

Height: 5'6" (quite tall for a midlander hyur)

Age: “A lady never reveals her age.” (adult)

Nameday: 32nd Sun of the 3rd Astral Moon

Languages: Doman, Common

Occupation: Not getting caught.

Current Residence: "Traveling abroad.“ (Basically living a tourist’s life in Eorzea, hoping to never be called out as the fraud she is. She’ll spend time as someone’s guest here, staying in a hotel elsewhere the next month, etc…)

Relationship Status: While she has never actually been married, the identity of the woman she pretends to be is a young widow and heiress. (Single)

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

Hair color: Black

Eye color: Pale, silvery grey

Skin tone: Fair

Body type: Slender, athletic but not in an obvious way.

Scars: none

Accent: Doman

Posture

Poised, athletic– though she’s no master shinobi, she is her mother’s daughter. Her training began at the age of four, and it’s still evident in the way she moves, observes, and behaves. Others who have trained would likely notice it easily. She carries herself with quiet dignity, and moves (or refuses to) deliberately, as if she expects each action to be read for significance, and takes great care not to reveal too much unintentionally. Though, in the very rare instances when she lets down her guard, this facade can fade away, revealing that she’s still a girl who can be amused, and charmed, and is easily mesmerized by beautiful places and things.

Accessories

She’s almost never seen without jewelry, though all of it is merely decorative– the trappings of the life she’s stepped into. None of it is personal, or carries meaning beyond appearing as she’s expected to.

Apparel

Her taste ranges from the classically dramatic to the outright exotic- not out of a sense of vanity, but in an appreciation of what is more or less wearable art. She most frequently wears black and white, though she also favors blue and occasionally red. In keeping with her heritage, she tends toward modesty in her dress. Of course, most of these clothes once belonged to a woman whose identity she has stolen, and she’s begun to add Eorzean fashions to her wardrobe to stand out less. The more she blends in, the fewer questions about her past she needs to dodge...

CHILDHOOD

Place of Birth: Doma

Siblings: none she knows of

Parents: The samurai Masanari and an Imperial Shadow named Harue, though Kaya has never known her biological father, as she was still less than a year old when he disappeared.

Upbringing: Raised initially by her mother, and later trained by grandmother once her affinity for magic became apparent. (More details can be found in her character history.)

PERSONAL

Personality

Outwardly, she is polite and mysterious, with a demeanor ranging from businesslike toward strangers, to an unexpected sort of mischievous and rebellious streak around the rare soul she’s begun to feel comfortable around. She’s evasive and distant. She rarely connects with others easily, which leads to most people assuming she’s either very shy, or rather snobbish, at first impression. She doesn’t trust easily, isn’t prone to showing any emotion in public if she can avoid it, and is often the one who, from an outward appearance, seems to be just another quiet wallflower enjoying the view.

Beneath the surface, however, she feels everything perhaps far too much, watches everyone with the wariness of someone who knows all too well what people are capable of, and deeply craves the connections to others she doesn’t seem to be able to form easily. She’s always searching for the few who can see the world the way she does- as something equally beautiful as it is deadly, meant to be lived in, not just endured. She’s a powder keg of passions always kept under a tight lid, hidden away for safe keeping.

Still, she is difficult to anger, and it’s a cold anger when it happens. She knows that engaging in violence and revealing her training would likely break character entirely, and being discovered as a fraud wouldn’t end well for her. As a result, she’ll try to think her way out of any situation, instead.

Motivations/Goals

If asked what she wants more than anything else in the world, she’d probably say to be able to do what she wanted, not what she was told, or allowed, or expected to. She craves freedom in all its definitions, but nearly always denies it to herself out of fear or pragmatism. While playing the role of a young, noble heiress she feels the restraints of her gilded cage all too keenly. She must behave in the way one raised to the role would be expected to. As a result, she finds small ways to rebel that aren’t likely to be noticed. Her fierce and defiant nature, thus repressed, will see her doing seemingly pointless things like rearranging the furniture in hotel rooms, stealing small items she could easily afford, or finding ways to secretly get even with those who have behaved poorly.

Financial Status

Ostensibly wealthy, though not one gil of it was ever truly hers. Still, she feels no guilt in obtaining the Omori family’s accounts considering they would have otherwise been seized by the Garlean government following Lord Omori’s assassination.

She has been quietly seeking a way to invest ‘her’ money in a way that would divorce it from her stolen inheritance, make it more truly hers, and greatly reduce the risk of losing everything should her false identity be uncovered.

Weapons

While she was raised to the blade and bow for most of her childhood, she hides her training and doesn’t carry a weapon openly, if at all. If cornered and forced to defend herself, she’d mostly likely attempt to disarm an opponent and steal theirs, or improvise.

Vices

Seemingly none, as she has striven to present herself as a woman of proper graces. However, she is prone to self-indulgence and spending far too much gil merely because she can, which she considers a vice in herself and tries to resist.

Likes

People who are intelligent, interesting, vibrantly passionate and alive. Watching people do things that require specialized skill, especially combat training or constructing something.

Constructive debate and interesting challenge. Trying/learning new things.

Music, dancing. She’s often wished she could play an instrument, but has never learned to.

Nature, gardens, fireflies, birds, waterfalls, the ocean/seaside. Traveling to anywhere with a spectacular view or vibrant culture. Learning about said cultures.

Exotic spiced foods or just about anything she hasn’t tasted before that doesn’t look absolutely disgusting. Tea. Fruits, chocolate, and spiced cider or tea. Have I mentioned tea?

Unusual crystals and/or gemstones. While she’s generally unfazed by wealth or status, she appears to be positively mesmerized by sparklies.

Dislikes

Politics, rumor mongering, cattiness, insults, and general poor behavior.

People who think getting drunk is the best kind of fun to be had.

Addictive drugs, and those who sell them.

Being forced to do anything, feeling not in control over her own life.

Overly objectifying unwanted attention, awkward social situations/obligations/expectations.

Being cold, biting insects.

Hobbies

Reading, especially the arcane.

Learning the history of different places and cultures.

Collecting small, easily transportable items (generally clothing or jewelry) in local styles from each new place she visits.

Pets: None, currently. She once had a magpie as a pet when she was younger, and maintains a fondness for birds of all kinds.

RP HOOKS

She’s looking (quietly) for a way to launder, er... invest her money to gradually eliminate the need to rely on her stolen identity and foreign contacts for access to funds. Have an opportunity?

A trusted lady’s maid, retainer, or guard type to help her maintain appearances.

It’s possible that someone from her past in Doma might recognize her, or perhaps have known the real Omori Kaya.

The woman she is impersonating is an ill-fit for her. She is fierce, independent, and rebellious... the exact opposite of the demure and soft character her stolen identity demands. But, her mother risked everything to secure her new identity, and she won’t cast it off unless forced to. Still, she isn’t perfect. Someone could catch her in a mistake, and become curious...

The Lady Omori Kaya appears elegant, mysterious, ...and wealthy. Potential suitors aren’t unlikely. (Romance is an option, though she’ll be hard to pin down at first, for obvious reasons.)

She has a (stolen) soulstone in her possession, and has been working to unlock its secrets.

Open to brainstorming other connections, past associations, or jumping into -your- existing plot!

OOC

I make my own schedule. I can be available pretty much any time from 8 am to 9pm CST. Sadly, I can rarely do late nights because I need to do that sleeping thing.

OOC communication is a priority for me.

I have been RPing for 20+ years. I am comfortable with both in game or Discord RP, and anything from short, quick posts to multi para. I do this because I enjoy writing!

I am not interested in random ERP outside of a long-term character interaction. I do love writing ships as long as there's strong chemistry between the characters, and both the character and the writer of said character are mature adults. However,I will not consider ships with alt or AU characters, as this is my one and only RP character. (No multi-shipping.)

I prefer a RP style that works with what is plausible within the scope of the lore. I'm open to creativity, as long as it makes sense. I prefer to stay away from void-heavy, AU, inserts from other universes, and anything involving cross-breeding with non-playable races/beings. (These are only my personal preferences, and everyone else is free to do whatever they like!)

Absolutely no: rape, harm to children, or graphic torture.

I do enjoy game content as well, and prefer company over doing so alone! I am currently sitting in my own personal FC house, but would consider joining a real FC if it makes sense for my character.

Confession: I probably spend way too much time decorating virtual houses.

#ffxiv rp #updated character sheet #Omori Kaya #hyur midlander #Doman

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mostlycompetentwriter · 4 years

Text

Limitless- Chapter Two

M/F Main Pairing: Y/N x Johnny Seo (M/F side pairing: Y/N x Jaehyun)

Genre: Fantasy AU, Harry Potter AU

Word Count: 7K

Warnings: Language

Summary: Y/N’s first day at Hogwarts is anything but magical. One of her new roommates proves to be nothing short of despicable and her classmates seem to disapprove of her because of the very last name she has grown to despise. Of course, there’s also Johnny Seo to worry about because he seems determined to annoy Y/N at every opportunity.

Tag List: @do-you-like-riddles @ki-aechan @the-usernames-i-like-are-taken @happy-tapioca69 @powerstobe @rissaxworld @dru-shadow @completenctrash @haechans-sunflower nekojohndo n0teanoshade

Chapter Two

“We’re only as strong as we are united, and weak as we are divided”- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

The following morning, I startled awake feeling strangely disoriented after a restless night of sleep. It always happened in new situations, whenever I traveled somewhere far from home. But it was only a temporary distortion, and I eventually recognized my unfamiliar surroundings and remembered my transfer into Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was a sobering realization and instead of lingering on the subject, I started dressing in my new robes, thumbing over the Hufflepuff insignia which stood out against the black.

I wasn’t really concerned with my appearance, ensuring that my new roommates were still asleep before closing the door to our shared dormitory with a weary sigh. You see, I had learned their names last night and they seemed kind enough to pass as friendly, until one of them cornered me in the bathroom with a cunning smirk. It was easy to recognize her intentions. “Your name is familiar,” she remarked. “I think I remember seeing it in the paper.”

I froze in front of the mirror, hating the fear I saw reflected in my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know,” she said, refusing to back down. “Your mom is the one who killed all those Muggles. That wasn’t very nice, was it?”

I held my tongue, choosing to ignore her comment by brushing past the arrogant girl who suddenly made me doubt the characterization of Hufflepuff as honorable and loyal. It also made me second-guess the sorting hat’s conundrum, faced with the decision to either sort me into Hufflepuff or my mother’s chosen House from her childhood. I mean, perhaps the sorting hat chose wrong and I should be downstairs in the dungeons with the other Slytherin students who might be inclined to celebrate my mother’s use of the Dark Arts.

I shivered at the idea, deciding it was better to remember that my other roommates were at least approachable. In fact, a kind 6th year named Lisa regaled me with stories of her summer vacation in the United States. Surprisingly, I found myself enamored with her conversation, picturing the places she visited with vivid clarity. But it might also be best to resist the temptation to linger in my recollections because I was suddenly anxious to see Jisung.

After I managed to calm my nerves, I left the quiet dormitory with bigger motivations. Graciously, I was mostly successful in finding the Great Hall, only pausing to question a wandering ghost who was more than willing to lead me in the right direction. “I remember when I was a student,” the ghost said. “You’ll find your true home here.”

I scoffed at the idea, disregarding his claim before entering the relatively empty communal hall. Because it seemed that most Hogwarts students preferred the comfort of their beds as opposed to the promise of breakfast, which was perfectly fine with me since it meant confronting less faces. Some of which sat at the Hufflepuff table which I decided to ignore, walking in the direction of the Gryffindors where several students studied me with surprise. “Jisung,” I grinned, alerting my younger brother to my presence.

Jisung squealed over his mouthful of cereal, patting the empty space next to him which I gladly accepted, nodding at Chenle who sat across the table. “Good morning, Y/N,” he said, reaching out for another helping of bacon.

“Hello, Chenle,” I said before turning to Jisung. “Did you sleep well?”

Jisung nodded, cheeks bulging with food. “Chenle showed me how to play Wizard’s chess.”

“Interesting,” I said before lowering my voice. “Is there anyone who bothered you?”

“No,” Jisung said with a shake of his head. “They were all nice.”

I nodded, reaching over to fix Jisung’s hair since my brother apparently decided that a few brush strokes were good enough to tame his messy locks. “Shouldn’t you try to look presentable?”

“Don’t do that,” he whined, half-heartedly pushing at my hands. “People are looking.”

I followed his gaze, glaring at a group of Ravenclaw students who had paused their conversation to consider us like we were a pair of interesting magical creatures. “Ignore them,” I said, dismissing his concerns.

But that didn’t deter our onlookers who continued to watch us from afar, speaking in tones that invited suspicion. “It’s her daughter!” one of them hissed and I tensed immediately, turning around to search the group for the purveyor of such gossip. The potential to jeopardize my time at Hogwarts. Instead, it suddenly felt like the entire room had grown smaller and everyone was looking at me with evident distrust.

I felt my cheeks flush when I forced myself to glare down at my empty plate. Vaguely, I could hear Chenle greet someone with a cheerful tone, but I didn’t pay attention until a hand landed on my shoulder. “Are you alright, Y/N?”

Despite my flustered condition, I was still able to recognize his voice. “Jaehyun,” I exhaled, watching him occupy the empty space next to me. “I’ve been thinking a lot about classes.”

Jaehyun nodded, simply accepting my excuse. “The Professors are all excellent here.”

“Yes, Hogwarts has a formidable reputation,” I said, nodding slowly in response. “My first class is Potions.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun said. “Well, I don’t have to take potions this year.”

“It’s required for my course of study,” I said. “Auror training,” I added before he could inquire.

“Impressive,” he remarked, smiling at my ambition. “I don’t think I can consider myself skilled enough for potions.”

“Save it for the pitch,” Chenle said. “You should watch us play, Y/N. Gryffindor has the best Quidditch team.”

Jaehyun scoffed at his cousin’s claim, but the red tint to the tips of his ears gave away his embarrassment from the praise. He said something else to his cousin, but my focus had returned to the Ravenclaw girls who had spoken out of term. I found them watching me still, eyes narrowed in suspicion. They started talking again, tones rising loud enough for me to overhear, which I knew was their intention from the start. “She certainly looks like her mother. Do you think we need to lock the doors in the dormitory at night? I wouldn’t want to wake-up to intercept the daughter of a convicted criminal...”

“What did you say?” Jaehyun interrupted, startling the girls who all looked up at him simultaneously.

“Jaehyun,” one of them shrieked, a rather noisy affair that hurt my ears more than their words had injured my pride.

“It’s fine,” I said, rolling my eyes in their direction. “Don’t pay them any attention, that’s what they want.”

“I know, but if they were truly honorable, then they wouldn’t care,” Jaehyun said. He fixed them with a stern look that seemed to invite no further comment, and I watched the girls quickly scramble to leave without another word. “Nobody should care about that,” Jaehyun said and I frowned when I realized that he had inadvertently confirmed that he also knew about my mother. It only made me wonder if the rumors had already started, seeding their way through the eager crowds of gossips who were looking for an interesting topic for their late-night affairs. “It doesn’t matter, I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine,” Jaehyun continued, ignorant to my glowering while he waved down a passing pair of students. They immediately diverted their course, friendly smiles and salutations as they joined our breakfast group. “This is Winwin and Jungwoo.”

The two boys offered me a friendly smile. “Gryffindors?” I asked, glancing at Jaehyun for confirmation.

He nodded. “Well, Winwin likes to brag about his house allegiance, but Jungwoo is actually in Ravenclaw. He’s the same year as us.”

“Really?” I asked, directing the question to the shy fifth-year student ducking his head shyly.

“Jaehyun and I are in the same Defense Against the Dark Arts class,” Jungwoo said. “I’m also taking Herbology this year.”

“He’s being modest,” Winwin said. “Jungwoo is the best in our year.”

“Oh? I’m taking Herbology as well,” I said, suddenly noticing the Ravenclaw crescent on his robes.

“It’s more of a hobby,” Jungwoo said. “I’m interested in doing further research.”

I nodded vacantly, turning my attention to Winwin who was already enjoying the breakfast feast prepared for the students. His robes displayed the familiar Gryffindor insignia that matched the one attached to my step-brother’s new House. I studied him carefully, deciding he looked friendly enough. Winwin seemed rather comfortable with Chenle, which must mean he spent a lot of time around Jaehyun and that was good enough for me to accept him as a potential friend. And I wouldn’t say that for everyone. Say, for example, certain dark-haired Syltherin students who didn’t seem to understand the concept of personal space.

Still, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t help but bristle when Johnny’s shadow fell over Jaehyun, even while I tried to ignore the unwelcome presence. “What a beautiful example of House Unity,” Johnny said. “But why isn’t Slytherin represented?”

The other Gryffindors surrounding us had grown quiet, watching Jaehyun and Johnny’s interaction with complete attention. I got the feeling that these exchanges were commonplace. “There’s not many people who want you around, Seo.”

“Really?” Johnny asked, feigning shock as he met several hostile stares. “I was under the impression that I was a popular student.”

A snort of laughter from Johnny’s side, and I glared at his friend. “Is that funny?”

His light-brown hair matched the color of his eyes, narrowed as he glared at me. “Maybe it is.”

“Ten,” Johnny said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We should be nicer to Y/N.”

I shivered, hating the way my name fell from his lips. “I think I gave off the wrong impression.”

Johnny stood straighter with a smirk. “Is that so?”

I sighed when I realized I had unwittingly given him the attention he was obviously seeking. “Is there something you want?”

“Be careful, Y/N,” Johnny said. “You’re asking dangerous questions.”

I frowned, but kept my mouth shut when Jaehyun abruptly stood from the table. He turned around to face Johnny. “Why don’t you go back to your other friends, Seo?”

Johnny’s gaze was still focused on me as if Jaehyun had never spoken, but I kept my attention firmly fixed on the unappetizing food spread across the table. “I have friends in Gryffindor, Jung,” he finally said and Jaehyun snorted in obvious disbelief. “See you in class.”

Well, I could try and remain unaffected, but I still breathed a sigh of relief once he was finally gone.

The nuisance of Hogwarts being such a large school meant that I had the daunting task of navigating its complicated halls and dormitories without any knowledge or experience. Unlike the first years, I wasn’t offered a complimentary tour of the castle; instead, I was expected to figure out the complexities of the moving staircase for myself only when I nearly lost my grip on the hand-railings. Thankfully, after an unnecessary scolding from a portrait who seemed absolutely incensed by my incompetence, I was able to find the potions classroom relatively unscathed.

Fortunately, I started my day early enough so that I could arrive to class and scout a table at the front of the classroom for maximum viewing. It was optimal considering my capacity for thorough note-taking, ensuring I wrote down every word from the professor so that I could later study for hours in the comforts of my bed. Hopefully, with an absence of at least one of my new roommates...

“Hello, Y/N.”

Unfortunately, I also had the frequent misfortune of wearing out my luck before I could completely reap the benefits, which meant that I was forced to meet Johnny’s dark gaze. “What do you want?”

“Right now? A seat close to the front,” he said, slamming his book down on the table next to me. “But if I need anything else, you’ll be the first to know.”

I chanced a brief survey around the room, frowning at the empty seats littered throughout the classroom. “I guess this means I have to move.”

“Oh, please don’t,” Johnny pouted. “What if I told you that I’m really good at potions?”

“I’m good too,” I muttered, glaring down at the blank parchment in front of me. “I hope you’re not insinuating that you might be able to help me.”

He ignored my comment, reaching out to rest his hand atop the lid of my cauldron. “You don’t have to make a big deal out of this.”

I rolled my eyes. “Is that right? I wasn’t under the impression that I was making a big deal out of anything.”

“How cute,” Johnny smirked. “You’re so easily offended. Are you sure the rest of our classmates are playing nice? I’d imagine that you might have gotten a few glares in the hallways.”

“What? Are you stalking me?”

“No, but I do pay attention,” Johnny said. “The same thing happened to me, until they learned not to mess with a Seo.”

I scoffed, considering the subtle threat to his words. “Are you trying to intimidate me?”

Johnny groaned. “I think you have a hard time recognizing your allies. Don’t underestimate my intentions!”

“Your intentions? I don’t want a friend.”

“Okay, maybe I can be a silent guardian,” Johnny said with a sly wink. “What do you think about that, puff?”

“I think I’m moving,” I said, reaching for my textbook and cauldron. However, with an exaggerated sigh, I came to the realization that the rest of our classmates had claimed the remainder of the tables with their new partners while I was busy arguing with Johnny.

“What was that, Y/N?”

I grimaced, but sat back down. “Just do me a favor, Seo. Don’t talk to me.”

Johnny grinned, leaning in closer despite my opposition. “The professor is the head of Slytherin.”

“Congratulations. I think I just figured out why you’re so good at potions.”

“I only cheat when I forget to study,” Johnny said with a dismissive shrug. “But I heard that we’re making the draught of peace today.”

“Stop trying to worm your way into my good graces, Seo,” I snapped at him. “It’s never gonna happen.”

“That’s disappointing,” Johnny said, reclining back in his seat. “I guess I’ll have to try harder.”

I withheld a sharp retort when the professor entered our classroom. “Students! Welcome to fifth-year potions.”

I narrowed my eyes, recognizing Professor Zhang from the previous evening’s affairs regarding my sorting. “As you might assume, because of the high expectations for this course, I have instigated a strenuous curriculum designed to cultivate the minds of only the brightest students. In this class, we will explore the most complicated potions while gaining a complete understanding of their creation. Most of our instructional activities involve hands-on learning and intensive partner work, so I hope you’re pleased with the person sitting next to you.”

I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate even as Johnny moved in closer. “I think we’ll make great partners, Y/N.”

“Shut the hell up,” I hissed, unintentionally bearing down harder on the quill I was using to take notes, resulting in a very nasty splotch at the top of my parchment.

“I’m sure the best potions students have read the introduction in your textbooks, but we’ll start with something simple to refresh our minds. Today’s assignment: brew the draught of peace before the end of designated classroom activity. Be quick, but alert! There might be a prize for the first pair to brew the potion successfully.”

I wasn’t interested in a prize, but the idea of placing myself ahead of the rest of my classmates was enough to encourage me to tolerate Johnny’s presence for the time being. “Get the ingredients,” I snapped at him.

“Of course,” he replied with a pleasant tone that still managed to piss me off simply because it was Johnny Seo and he was having an unusual amount of success in getting under my skin. Nevertheless, I continued to surprise myself with an aptitude to concentrate and perform even under the most stressful of circumstances. As such, once Johnny returned with the ingredients, I forgot about his intrusive inclusion, choosing to focus on the instructions in the textbook, frowning as I chopped the parsley into my cauldron. “Oh, look at you,” Johnny said, complying with my request to skin the fresh roots. “I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.”

“This is what I’m good at,” I muttered, reaching for my spoon to churn the ingredients.

“I can tell,” Johnny acknowledged. “What made you decide to pursue potions? Most people usually take this class because of their course of study.”

“Auror training,” I answered him absent-mindedly, too distracted by the task at hand to consider the repercussions in exposing my future plans.

“Then we’re very similar, Y/N,” Johnny smirked. “Wouldn’t it be interesting if we became work colleagues one day?”

“Only if you can pass all the classes.”

Johnny laughed. “I could say the same thing to you.”

I bristled. “There’s no room for failure.”

“Because of your mom.”

I paused in the middle of reading the final instruction, turning to look at Johnny with a stern glare. “Don’t talk about my mother, Seo. She has nothing to do with my decisions.”

Johnny returned the intensity of my stare before I broke our fierce competition to finish the potion. “You know, Y/N,” Johnny said, reaching out to halt my movements. “I can always tell when someone is lying to me.”

I swallowed hard, meeting his inquisitive gaze to show him that I wasn’t intimidated. “You don’t need to know my life-story, Seo.”

“I suppose it isn’t necessary,” Johnny agreed before allowing a cunning smirk to overcome his features. “But I’d really like to find out.”

I unconsciously shivered at his close proximity. “Do you mind stirring the potion?”

Johnny smirked, allowing the distraction. “You’re the most interesting person at Hogwarts, Y/N,” he said. “How can I not be curious?”

I struggled to respond, watching the fumes from our bubbling potion darken from pink to red before I raised my hand high in the air to attract Mr. Zhang’s attention. “I think we’re done, sir.”

“For now,” Johnny whispered, almost as an afterthought, which I chose to ignore; instead, I focused on Mr. Zhang’s praise for our completed potion, deeming it perfect which made me, however briefly, reconsider my previous stance on Johnny’s competence as my new partner.

My favorite class at Durmstrang, an instructional course on the foundations of the Dark Arts, became the necessary catalyst for my insurmountable desire to become an Auror. I remember telling my former Professor of my plans and watching his expression lighten despite the stoic attitude he frequently expressed around the other students. “Why, Miss Y/L/N,” he said. “I can’t think of a more suitable occupation.”

I became fascinated by the Dark Arts, spending a majority of my free time reading literature on Ancient Spells or Unforgivable Curses. It was all grandiose to someone who had firsthand experience with an infamous Witch who abused all the rules and conduct governing our use of the Dark Arts. Because of that experience, my sole desire in life was to understand every nuance concerning the Dark Arts, covering an extensive history that precluded all measurable time.

When I first transferred into Hogwarts, I made sure that I would be enrolled in Defense Against the Dark Arts. The study was a crucial component to my Auror training, and I had no intentions of foregoing the opportunity to expand my knowledge. It was also a class I shared with Jaehyun, who caught my attention the moment I entered the room. It was impossible to look away, especially when he slyly pushed out the chair next to him because I could take a hint.

“It’s not been difficult, right?” he asked me. “Finding your classes?”

“I’ve managed,” I said. “The map is helpful.”

Jaehyun seemed more excited about my relative success than I had been. “Nobody is giving you trouble?”

I briefly remembered my previous class with Johnny. “I think...everyone is on their best behavior.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Johnny and his rude friend claiming the last empty table. “Professor Kim teaches this class,” Jaehyun continued, ignorant to the object of my attention. “She’s the head of Hufflepuff.”

“We met,” I replied. “Yesterday.”

“Your sorting,” Jaehyun nodded. “How are your new roommates?”

Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about concerning Jaehyun with my personal problems because a commanding voice suddenly interrupted his interrogation. “Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts!”

Professor Kim wore the regular Hufflepuff robes, identical to the ones I discovered waiting for me this morning, and her bright green eyes surveyed my now-silent classmates. “A new year at Hogwarts calls for a celebration. Fifth-years, as designated upperclassmen you now have the privilege of learning advanced spells to defend yourselves against the dark forces which regularly try to upend order in our magical community.”

I sat forward eagerly, reaching for my quill and a spare bottle of ink from the bottom of my bag. “Today, we’ll be discussing the Impediment Hex. It is a simple Jinx that can slow down or completely immobilize the movements of a target. Of course, it rarely lasts more than a few seconds.”

Jaehyun chuckled from next to me, watching as I fought to record the entirety of Professor Kim’s lecture. “In practical use, it can easily allow the user precious time to escape the effects of a counter-spell. As someone who once wrote an entire essay on the Jinx itself, I can tell you that it’s one of the most underrated magical hex’s in existence, which is why I’d like a pair of willing students to volunteer and demonstrate for our class.”

Professor Kim’s smile was not enough to encourage my classmates to willingly step forward and potentially embarrass themselves. “Nobody?”

“I’ll do it!” an irritatingly smooth voice broke through the suffocating silence.

“Mr. Seo,” Professor Kim blinked. “That’s surprising.”

“I’m good at Jinxes,” Johnny bragged, much to the amusement of the other Slytherin students.

“Johnny��s good at everything,” another gushed and I understood what the others meant when they said that Johnny was a popular student.

“I see,” Professor Kim grimaced. “Ten points to Slytherin and anyone else who might be willing to try?”

“Me,” Jaehyun immediately announced, grabbing his wand before walking to the front of the room where Johnny was waiting with a cruel smile.

“Very good,” Professor Kim said, but she seemed just as uneasy as the rest of the class. “This is only practice, boys.”

Jaehyun raised his wand, blatantly ignoring Professor Kim as he fixed Johnny with a stern glare. “Are you ready, Seo?”

Johnny was indifferent as always, shrugging his shoulders as he offered a lazy smile. “You can’t beat me.”

“The incantation is impedimenta....im-PED-a-MEN-ta,” Professor Kim explained. “Make sure you have the correct posture-”

“Impedimenta!”

Johnny’s voice reverberated throughout the classroom, striking Jaehyun who was unable to offer an offensive spell to counter the effects, forcing him to freeze mid-cast with his wand raised high in the air like a proud weapon. Another immediate silence gripped my classmates, varying expressions of shock and amusement decorating the mixed collection of representative Houses. It was followed by a collective sigh when the effects of the spell were broken and Jaehyun stood there with a furious scowl. It made him look intimidating, and I knew Jaehyun was one of the last people you would dare cross even if Johnny was brave enough to try on a regular basis.

“Mr. Seo,” Professor Kim finally sighed.

“Not again,” someone whispered from behind me, and I knew well enough to realize that these sorts of incidents must happen quite often between Jaehyun and Johnny. In any case, Professor Kim was furious, dismissing the rest of the class and I offered Jaehyun an apologetic frown which he returned with a dismissive shake of his head.

When I entered the Great Hall later that afternoon, I was surprised to find Jisung had become an immensely popular student. “Y/N!”

I was hesitant to approach the young group of students, but they must be nice if Jisung had befriended them. “Hey, Y/N,” Chenle greeted me.

“Look!” Jisung said, clearly excited as he waved at his new classmates. “Everyone, this is my sister!”

“Woah! Jisung, your sister is hot!”

“Haechan!” Chenle sighed. “Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”

“Ignore him,” Jisung said, reaching for my arm to drag me onto the empty bench. “He always acts like that!”

“I do not!” Haechan protested, narrowing his eyes from behind a fringe of low-hanging bangs.

“He really does,” Jisung whispered to me in a conspiratorial tone.

“I believe you,” I murmured in return, grateful to see my brother in such good spirits.

“This is Mark and Renjun,” he continued, pointing at the two students sitting across the table.

“Mark’s the oldest,” Haechan interrupted. “But he’s not really as smart as he thinks he is.”

Mark shook his head, disrupting the mop of dark locks that desperately needed attention. “Why do you think I was sorted into Ravenclaw?”

“The Lee family have been sorted into Ravenclaw for ages,” Haechan said while rolling his eyes. “Mark’s brother is a Ravenclaw prefect.”

“Ravenclaw is the best House,” Renjun said, puffing his chest in a failed attempt to look more intimidating.

“I think you meant Slytherin,” Haechan challenged.

“We’ll see about that in Quidditch this year,” Chenle smirked. “My brother is the best seeker in decades.”

“Oh, please,” Haechan puffed. “My cousin, Johnny, is a better seeker than your brother.”

Johnny was Haechan’s cousin?

“He’ll prove it to you,” Chenle replied and I admired how quickly he diffused the tension, refusing to take Haechan’s bait and starting a meaningless argument.

“Whatever,” Haechan shrugged, easily distracted by a new topic in which Mark passionately defended his interest in Boggarts. According to Jisung, it was apparently a recent fascination. Nonetheless, I was content while I listened to the boys talk among one another and I even managed to eat some of the remaining chicken.

“I’ve heard your name from somewhere,” Haechan suddenly declared while narrowing his eyes. Mark and Renjun were still busy debating with Chenle, ignorant to the way I immediately reacted to Haechan’s curiosity.

Jisung’s hand reached for mine underneath the table. “It’s a pretty common last name.”

Haechan remained suspicious, even after Jisung offered to change the subject once again, talking about some sort of assignment he was working on with Chenle. However, despite the change of conversation, I couldn’t think about anything else. Instead, I considered how easily Jisung had adjusted to his new life at Hogwarts because it could all be destroyed if they attached his name to my family’s dark history. It wasn’t fair to my younger brother who had no relationship to my mother, and these heavy thoughts followed me around for the remainder of the day.

Thus, by the time evening approached, I was still thinking about lunch from earlier, when Haechan nearly figured out my connection to my mother. I walked alone to my final class of the day, ignoring the students who rushed around me in their haste to arrive early and find the best seats with their friends.. For some reason, the idea of Jisung’s friends discovering the truth was even more troubling than usual.

In any case, my final class was Herbology, and I was eager to distract my mind. As soon as I stepped inside the classroom, I only had to search for a brief moment before a familiar shine of blonde-hair caught my attention. “Y/N!”

I returned Jungwoo’s greeting with a smile. “I’m glad to see you.”

“We’re working with Fanged Geraniums today,” Jungwoo explained.

“I suppose our professor is trying to make things interesting,” I remarked because I knew this particular magical flower was highly prone to biting.

“Have you met a lot of people today?” Jungwoo asked, wiping down his work station with an easy smile.

“More than I expected,” I shrugged. “My younger brother seems to be popular.”

“I saw him in the hallways earlier,” Jungwoo said. “He was walking between classes with Haechan and Jeno, but you should warn him that those two are troublemakers. They accidentally set fire to the Slytherin common room last year.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, studying the loose pair of fitted gloves which all students were required to wear around plants classified as dangerous by the Ministry of Magic.

“One of Johnny’s friends is in this class,” Jungwoo said before pointing to a taller boy with long, silver-hair and bright yellow eyes. “Yuta is from a wealthy family. They do a lot of business with the Seo’s.”

“They’ve known each other for a long time?”

“Johnny, Ten, and Yuta are close friends,” Jungwoo nodded. “But he’s taken an interest in you, hasn’t he?”

“Who?”

“Johnny.”

I snorted. “I spend a lot of time with Jaehyun, I guess.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely why,” Jungwoo said with a tone that seemed to insinuate something with deeper implications.

“What do you mean?” I asked, but Jungwoo never received the opportunity to defend his accusations.

“Alright, fifth-years! Welcome to Herbology.”

I knew dinner would be a tedious affair when I saw my least favorite Slytherin sitting with Kun, Jaemin, and Lucas. “I hope you don’t mind,” I heard Johnny say as I grew closer. “Jeno was supposed to help me with a project, but Jaemin has their notes.”

I recognized the Slytherin student in question sitting next to Jaemin, remembering their disagreement from the previous night after a brief back and forth exchange of hostile insults. “I don’t have them here,” Jaemin grumbled.

“Y/N!” Johnny called, attracting far too many eyes in our direction.

It took every ounce of patience I possessed to resist the urge to to turn back around; instead, I forced myself to join the others at our table. “Why are you here?”

“A project,” he said rather unattractively over a mouthful of food. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“At the Hufflepuff table?”

“Oh!” Johnny chuckled. “I meant to ask you how Jaehyun was feeling. He decided to skip the rest of his classes.”

“I wasn’t aware that you cared about Jaehyun,” I muttered. “Is there anything else?”

“He doesn’t have a real reason to be here,” Jaemin interrupted, eyeballing Jeno with clear disdain.

“I thought we were all friends!” Johnny gasped.

“We aren’t even close,” I said. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

Johnny considered me for a moment before letting out an exaggerated sigh. “Come on, Jeno. The Hufflepuffs aren’t in the mood to play tonight.”

“They’re all boring anyway,” Jeno said dismissively, ignoring the way Jaemin sneered once his back was turned.

Unfortunately, before I could sit down in Johnny’s place, a strangely familiar voice forced the elder Slytherin to pause at the edge of our table. I recognized Haechan a moment later, running through the crowd of students and ignoring their complaints when he inadvertently pushed them aside. “Johnny! You’ve been busy all day,” Haechan whined. “You promised to play with me and my new friends later.”

My next mistake was fatal, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the idea of Johnny meeting Jisung. “No!” I quickly inserted, only realizing my mistake when the entire table was studying me like I had grown another head.

“Is that a problem?” Johnny asked, looking between me and his cousin with interest.

“Of course not,” I said, attempting to rectify my mistake.

“You get to see Jisung all the time!” Haechan said. “We wanted to build Renjun’s new airplane model.”

“Jisung?”

“Y/N’s step-brother,” Haechan explained. “Chenle introduced us this morning!”

A feeling of dread settled in the pit of my stomach when Johnny’s eyes lit with realization. “I didn’t know you had a brother, Y/N.”

“He’s a first-year,” Haechan said, completely ignorant to the mounting tension. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I like the first-years because they’re all cute when they try to break the rules.”

“In that case,” Johnny smiled. “I’d love to meet your new friends.”

I groaned, but tried to withhold the urge to protest again. Instead, I resigned myself to an inevitable fate, watching Johnny and Haechan walk out of the Great Hall. “That was weird!” Lucas remarked.

Well, I suppose Hufflepuff wasn’t known for being the smartest House.

Two Weeks Later

The library was my safe-place, a reliable source of solitude when I needed to escape the tumultuous business of Hogwarts classes and the undesirable students who filled them. As I suspected, far too many of my new classmates had formed their own judgments once they identified the connection between the little girl who stood in the infamous picture next to one of Azkaban’s most notorious prisoners and myself. I suspected they’d eventually realize the connection and most of them actively tried to avoid me, which was better than the taunts that some of the more conservative students spat in my direction between classes. Of course, despite my attempts to remain unaffected, the worst feeling of all was watching the other Hufflepuff students ignore me in the common room or in the dormitory we shared. Professor Kim once told me that Hufflepuffs were considered loyal, but I couldn’t help but think my classmates wouldn’t shed a tear if I was in Slytherin instead.

The only positive development during these past few weeks was Jisung’s smooth adjustment to student life at Hogwarts. He was constantly surrounded by friends, giggling in the hallways when we occasionally passed one another. It eased my worries, realizing that he wasn’t being tormented or ridiculed for his connection as my step-sister. At least, not from what I could see around the castle or hear from the conversations between Jisung and his friends.

“You know,” Jaehyun said, interrupting my brief recollection of Jisung’s abrupt determination to play Quidditch in the future. “He doesn’t always need protection.”

“Maybe not,” I sighed. “But I promised his mother that I would watch out for him, and the only reason anyone would mistreat Jisung is because of me. It’s hard for me to stay away from him, but I think it’s actually better this way since people are less likely to associate us together.”

Jaehyun frowned, listening to me with an admirable attentiveness that I had come to realize defined his character. “They’ll get over it soon,” he finally said. “I mean, Johnny Seo is somehow a big celebrity around the school even though his family aren’t exactly saints.”

“I think he falls into a league of his own,” I decided, drawing a laugh from Jaehyun. “Is that why you don’t like him?”

“Because of his family?”

I nodded, searching his expression carefully. “I don’t like Johnny because he’s arrogant. We’ve been competitors ever since we both made the Quidditch teams for our houses second year.”

“A sports competition?” I grinned. “I remember that you told me he was the Slytherin captain.”

“And their seeker,” Jaehyun added.

“Ah, the plot thickens,” I said, briefly returning to my notes even though I was suddenly much less interested in Magical Creatures. “I can see the arrogance.”

“He thinks he’s better than everybody else,” Jaehyun said. “If it’s not related to Quidditch, then it’s because of his pure-bloodline or something else equally as ridiculous.”

“My father said that the Seo family is the reason why there’s still corruption in the Ministry of Magic.”

Jaehyun snorted at my claim. “Does your dad work with them?”

I frowned. “Sometimes.”

“Johnny’s father is an important name in the Ministry,” Jaehyun said. “There’s not many people who don’t know his family.”

It was a fair point, but I still didn’t like the idea of famous wizarding families whose biggest claim to fame was an obsession with blood purity, especially during Voldemort’s ascendancy to power. Jaehyun seemed to know a lot about Johnny, despite their House feud, and it made me think that their ill-feelings went beyond competitions on the Quidditch field. However, before I could ask Jaehyun to recall his first meeting with Johnny, I was silenced by a distinct noise of articulation serving as a greeting from behind one of the library shelves. “There you are!”

“I hope you don’t mind,” Jaehyun said, following my wandering gaze. “I needed help with one of my assignments.”

“Is he a friend?”

“Our parents are close,” Jaehyun explained, pushing back his chair to greet the unexpected newcomer.

His hair was snow-white, melting across his forehead in perfect unison. Ironically, his most striking feature were the golden-colored eyes that practically glowed under the influence of the dim library candelabra. “Have you been practicing?” he asked Jaehyun.

“I really don’t think I’m the problem!”

“That’s what they always say.”

“Actually, I have someone with me. I told you about her before.” Jaehyun said before returning my gaze. “Taeyong’s one of my closests friends and a Ravenclaw Prefect.”

“I’m also a certified tutor whenever Jaehyun needs help with Transfiguration,” Taeyong added before offering me a sincere smile. “I guess you must be Y/N?”

I nodded. “What has Jaehyun said about me?”

“He spoke highly of you,” Taeyong said. “My younger brother also seems to like Jisung.”

“Your younger brother?”

“Mark,” Taeyong said. “It’s only his second year at Hogwarts.”

“Small world,” I remarked. “Should I leave the two of you alone?”

“There’s no need for that,” Jaehyun said quickly, exchanging a brief look with Taeyong. “You can stay for as long as you want. I just need to find a book for my essay.”

“I’ll wait here,” Taeyong called out to Jaehyun’s retreating form.

He sat next to me with a sigh. “It looks like you have something else you want to say.”

“Are you always this inquisitive?”

He chuckled. “When I was first sorted into Ravenclaw, our House Prefect once told me that the best students ask the most questions.”

“I suppose they were right,” I said. “I’m just overcautious.”

“He didn’t tell me about your mother if that’s why you’re concerned.”

“You know,” I said, watching him carefully because I wasn’t sure how to react.

“Everyone knows, Y/N, but that doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“Of course it does,” I grumbled bitterly. “They look at me like I’m a killer.”

“I know how that feels,” Taeyong said, clearing his throat as he glanced around the empty study room before reaching into the pocket of his robes.

“You can’t possibly feel the same way.”

“My father,” Taeyong whispered, unfolding the wrinkled copy of the daily prophet. I swallowed hard when I recognized the name written across the front page with a sinister mugshot belonging to one of the most wicked wizards to ever receive a life sentence in Azkaban. “The other students,” he continued, “they won’t let you forget, but there are a lot of good people who will never choose to hold it against the innocent.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, but I didn’t know what else to say. “You carry it around with you?”

“I like to remind myself,” Taeyong said. “I’m sure you do the same.”

“Yes,” I said with more conviction. “I want to be an Auror after Hogwarts. I want to be everything my mother fought against.”

Taeyong nodded. “I heard about what your mom did, but it doesn’t mean that you’ll turn out the same way.”

I sighed, gazing out the window overlooking the grounds. “Everyone always assumes the worst of me.”

“Those people don’t understand,” Taeyong said, smiling when he realized Jaehyun was walking back in our direction. “Thankfully, we’ve both met someone who does.”

My shoulders dropped in relief, tension dissipating instantly when Jaehyun held up two library books. “I brought something for you,” he said.

“Thank you,” I told him, but my gratitude extended far beyond this one act of kindness.

#nct fanfic #nct #nct imagines #nct senarios #nct fantasy au #nct harry potter au #nct johnny fanfic #johnny seo #johnny seo fanfic #nct ot21 #nct johnny

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heroesandmasterminds · 4 years

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Aaravos and the Orphan Queen

This is my theory on Aaravos' past and also the founding of Katolis - I suspect Aaravos and the Orphan Queen, the first ruler of Katolis, were actually in love those centuries ago.

Most of Xadia's inhabitants treated humans badly because they viewed them as 'lesser beings' as Sol Regem said, so Aaravos, tired of how his love was being treated, gave humans Dark Magic as a way to fend for themselves. That included giving the Dark Mage Ziard the staff that would one day become Viren's.

Then the encounter between Ziard and Sol Regem happens, humans are banished to the west, Aaravos is furious and heartbroken and then his involvement comes out. The newly crowned Dragon King Avizandum puts him in a prison and there he stays for the next few centuries.

But on his lover's side? If they truly did love each other and trusted each other, then it stands to reason that whatever the Key of Aaravos does, he gave it to her when humans were banished maybe as a form of protection, or he told her to try and return to Xadia and use it (Harrow did say it 'unlocks something of great power in Xadia') and she never managed anything of the sort in her lifetime, but she passed it down to her descendants. She probably told them what it meant as well but that part was lost over the centuries. Maybe it's called the Key of Aaravos because it's the key to freeing him, only she never figured out how to make it work because he didn't get a chance to tell her.

So Callum having it now, and likely becoming the first person since Aaravos to master all the primal sources, could possibly also mean he discovers the long-buried secrets of the Orphan Queen.

On top of that, if Aaravos and the Orphan Queen were romantically involved they would be an excellent foil for Rayllum, especially if something happens (temporarily of course!!) to Rayla which opens up an opportunity for Callum to parallel Aaravos further, the way he did with Viren (check out @raayllum 's numerous brilliant metas to read more about that) in how they react to losing the love of their life or how they deal with the racial prejudice. If they play it right and parallel these two with Rayllum, showing how such a romance can end in disaster in a world that's divided by prejudice but rise above dissenters in a world that's healing with these two leading the way, it will be absolutely amazing. On top of that, I'd be overjoyed to see Rayllum being determined not to let history repeat itself, not to let that happen to them too.

Something Aaravos said in S2 E9 stuck out to me as funny in terms of typical villain speeches. He said, 'Those who fail tests of love are simple animals. They deserve to be motivated by fear.' In other words, he'll try the love route first, and if they don't agree he turns to fear because people who don't understand love aren't worth any kindness or mercy. That particularly emerged clearly for me in the words 'simple animals'.

Aaravos seems to view love as something special, something higher, something that, although people should understand it, they often don't. Could this be because of the way he and his love (especially her, I'd guess, as a human, compared to Aaravos being an elven mage who wielded all six primal sources) were treated by prejudiced people who didn't understand? Centuries in a prison with nobody to talk to would certainly give anyone time to think about their past and become bitter about it.

While this is all still fairly wild speculation, I hope I've hit on something at least mildly accurate and I can't wait for these secrets to be uncovered over the next few seasons!

#aaravos #tdp #the dragon prince #the orphan queen #waiting for s4 #key of aaravos #s2 e9 #breathe #callum #rayllum

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gascon-en-exil · 4 years

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Bottom Ten Three Houses Characters

I decided after a while that I couldn’t fulfill an anon request to do a top 10 list for the whole series, because it would overlap too much with ones I’ve already done - lord privilege is a thing that exists, and I’ve ranked those before - and because it’s really difficult to compare so many characters (~600 if we’re being thorough) across so many different games. Instead I decided to go negative with it, although around 2/3rds of these ought to be totally uncontroversial at least in my corner of the fandom. Starting from the one I dislike least:

(Dis)honorable Mention: Anna, for putting in such a lackluster showing that she doesn’t deserve a spot on this list despite technically being in the playable cast. It’s not only the lack of supports, although that hurts, but also how obvious it is that the writers have no new material for her. Anna’s gimmick worked fined when she was an NPC and perhaps for the space of a single game as a playable character, and Fates originated the meta idea of making her paid DLC so you have to shell out real money to use her, but that’s the extent of her here too. As a unit she’s far from spectacular, and her paralogue isn’t even good for much but a ton of (mostly mediocre) drops and a tiny bit of context for that Pallardó guy from non-CF Chapter 13. Here’s a revolutionary idea: for the next original FE it might be good to have Anna back to being only a wacky dimension-hopping NPC shopkeeper.

#10 Constance - It pains me that she’s on this list, more than anyone else by far. I really wanted to like Constance, and at first glance she’s right up my alley as a haughty impoverished aristocrat coping awkwardly with her diminished status. I like the dark flier class she’s built around, and her default personality is an even louder pre-timeskip Ferdinand whom you know I love. However, it’s that “default personality” bit that sours me on her, because she’s got two of them. What could have been an interesting take on Constance’s struggles with identity and self-esteem in the wake of her family’s disgrace is presented in such an over-the-top comedic manner that it’s impossible to take her very seriously. It’s more reminiscent of FE13′s Noire than anything, and at least she has the excuse of a mother who performed dark magic experiments on her and fractured her psyche. Constance also supports Jeritza and yet somehow they do no more than lightly allude to their personality issues which is as much a missed opportunity as you can get with such a terrible character (see below), opting instead to try softening Jeritza with his fondness for roses. Lovely.

#9 Leonie - Fandom exaggerates her Jeralt fixation, although it does pop up at the worst times (see: her Byleth support right after his death). As I’m not very concerned with Byleth’s nonexistent feelings though this placement more comes down to general indifference. Leonie feels completely disconnected from the rest of the Deer, and although she’s a supposed reflection of the house’s more egalitarian bent there’s nothing connecting her to the politics or larger culture of the Alliance until you learn about her student loan debt. She really is best understood as a Jeralt fangirl first and foremost, which is why perhaps the most surprising thing about her is when reality comes knocking in her endings and it turns out she picked up her mentor’s vices as well. Jeralt himself would be even further down this list were he playable, but as he isn’t I’ll have to settle for side-eyeing all of his adoring fans. Which brings me to....

#8 Alois - Remember that dating sim Dream Daddy that people were talking about a few years ago? The one that willfully misunderstands what the term “daddy” means in gay male spaces to write fluffy dad joke-laden romances intended for a presumably not-gay audience? Alois is the spirit of that game personified as an FE character, which is not something I ever would have thought to know that I didn’t want. He’s got some funny lines here and there, but that’s the most you can say about him when otherwise he’s just passable midgame filler (of a unit type each house including the Wolves already has one of) standing in Jeralt’s imitation Greil shadow. I don’t even mind the platonic S support all that much because it’s still only Byleth, but it occurs to me that just about the only thing that would have made Alois memorable would be if his S support was romantic but he remained married to his wife. I can’t think of a time when this series has allowed the player to indulge in adultery, so even if it had been limited to an option for f!Byleth it would have been a fascinating option.

#7 Cyril - This isn’t about his devotion to Rhea, which is fully understandable given his circumstances. Nor is it about his performance as a unit which in my experience at least is actually rather good for a Donnel/Mozu-style villager archetype. No, what gets me is that he’s a self-righteous workaholic which makes for quite the grating personality trait. I understand that he finds meaning in his work and that he’s got some entertaining supports calling other characters to task for their terrible work ethics or ignorance of the lives of commoners (VW should have really dug more into his back-and-forth with Claude), but the lectures on not interrupting him or telling Byleth to get back to work are as tiresome as they are frequent. It’s petty I know, but one can only hope he grows out of it eventually. At least he doesn’t wear a pot on his head....

#6 Mercedes - Like Constance, she’s the type of character I wanted to like from the start. She’s pious pseudo-Catholic clergy, with a quirky thing with ghosts and some quiet lesbianism with her BFF that I can take or leave but that I know some people really enjoy (and also she’s bi-for-Byleth, but no one talks about that). Unfortunately as I touched on when talking about Marianne in my Top 10 characters list, Mercedes’s appealing points are sharply contrasted against her more annoying ones. The breathy voice acting I can mostly get used to, but her backstory is unnecessarily convoluted - three families and two flavors of evil adoptive father - and as is also true of Constance her association with Jeritza drags her down a fair bit. To this day I still have no idea what we’re meant to make of the Lamine siblings’ dynamic, but Mercedes’s eagerness to overlook her brother’s crimes and unrepentant bloodlust so she can coo over what a sweet boy he is deep down say some pretty odd things about her personal moral code. Maybe it was implied all along with the paranormal fascination that she’s not as orthodox as she appears to be, but the dissonance is real especially in CF where she gets a support line with Jeritza that tries to woobify him and affirms how much she loves him...and meanwhile in monastery exploration she’s wringing her hands over how much she hates the idea of fighting Faerghus and the church. There’s no through line here, and as justification for characters siding with Edelgard go this one is pretty flimsy.

#5 Gilbert - Similar to Cyril, I don’t dislike Gilbert for the reasons that most of the fandom does. Yes, he’s a crappy father, but as I’m pretty indifferent to Annette and to father-child bonding in general I can appreciate the fresh spin he places on the archetype of the devoted knight. In short, he’s a knight who wasn’t devoted and ran away from his duty, and his arc in AM is all about making up for his past failures both to his family and to his liege. This is an angle to knighthood FE doesn’t delve into often, and it makes him an explicit foil of Dedue as explored in their supports. The reason that Gilbert is on this list though in fact has more to do with that opposition, because I am painfully aware that had AM not killed off Dedue by default in service of self-insert romance Gilbert would not have had to be scripted as Dedue’s replacement both as a unit and as a retainer figure. It’s not his “fault” of course, insofar as one can ever blame fictional characters for the actions of their writers, but whenever I’m running AM and have to take those randomized supply run quests from Gilbert instead of the route’s actual retainer I’m reminded of how we were robbed of power couple Dimidue (in AM anyway - CF of all routes delivers on this point). Gilbert could have been father of the year to Annette and freely given Byleth his (grand)daddy dick and it still wouldn’t overwrite the fundamental problem that Byleth screwed over all three AM-exclusive characters in different ways. As to that, well...look at #1.

#4 Raphael - It’s hard to describe just how much wasted potential there is to this guy. Along with Ignatz and Leonie he could have illustrated the greater social mobility of the Alliance and the increased opportunities non-nobles enjoy there, but all three are mostly side characters. He’s repeatedly positive in the face of tragedy and remains motivated by his love for his remaining family, but 90% of his dialogue revolves around either eating or training to the point that he’s arguably the closest FE16 comes to gimmick character writing (something almost every FE is guilty of, but that has come under heavy scrutiny in recent years because of how much Awakening and Fates used it). He has a sweet friendship with Ignatz with even a bit of chemistry that sits in good company with the kind of simply affability he has with almost everyone he supports, but they have a no homo ending involving one of the game’s eternally offscreen characters. He supports Dimitri, but the bara content is thin on the ground and their line stands out as easily the least substantial of the house leaders’ cross-house supports. Even as a unit he’s lackluster, in the same repetitive category as Alois with nothing that makes him really stand out from the other axe-and-brawling guys. Highest HP growth in the game...whee. I’ve seen arguments that Raphael’s simplicity is the source of his charm, and while I can sort of see that he feels like he belongs in a game like the GBA or Tellius titles where characters have a much smaller amount of overall content to their name. In a game like Three Houses the sheer torrent of lines about food and training wear thin quickly.

#3 Bernadetta - see #8 here. To sum up, she’s annoying, her sex appeal falls flat with me and is frankly just kind of confusing, it bugs me that a significant portion of the Ferdibert fandom headcanons her as Hubert’s bestie when the man clearly does not do besties, and the most positive thing I can think to say about is that based on her habit of befriending known murderers among other things she might be a bit of a sociopath. That’s not very flattering, but at least it’s somewhat interesting. Oh yeah, and Edelgard setting her on fire at the Gronder rematch is good for a meme although I suppose that isn’t technically attributable to Bernadetta.

#2 Jeritza - Jeritza sucks. Everyone, apart from the small number of fans into Bylitza for some reason, is aware that he sucks. He’s a bloodthirsty serial killer we’re meant to like because he killed his father to protect his sister and also because he likes ice cream and kittens...and because he’s clearly mentally ill in some way and Edelgard is weaponizing his illness for her war which means all the murder is okay, I guess. Jeritza is like FE7 Karel if he was somewhat important to the plot and that instead of a redemption arc between games he got Karla and some other characters swearing that he’s really sweet deep down and also he can romance the male self-insert - yay. I love the line of thinking sometimes espoused in anti circles that M/M Bylitza is the only non-Problematic™ Byleth ship because he’s their only gay romantic S rank partner who’s not one of their students, a loli, or Rhea who is obviously the most evil character in the game. As I’ve mentioned above Jeritza also makes other characters he supports worse by association, although he’s not quite as bad in that regard as #1. Do I even need to bring up the painfully affected voice acting? It’s ironic that the vocal director for the English localization turns in unquestionably the worst performance among the named cast, and I have to assume he picked the role for himself solely because he sounds like an imposing Death Knight and not because his voice is at all suited to the troubled twunk underneath the armor. Just about the only thing that would have salvaged Jeritza for me would be if he and Hubert got to have an epic competition to determine once and for all which of them is more evil. Hubert would wipe the floor with this poser.

#1 Byleth - see here at the bottom. They fail as a self-insert, they fail to be a properly realized character even more than previous Avatars, they damage other characterizations and arcs all over the place, and Three Houses overall would have been vastly improved if they didn’t exist or at least weren’t the PoV character. In that previous post I listed just two reasons why I still prefer Byleth to Robin as an Avatar, one being that their significance to the plot is set up before the game even begins and the other being that their lack of a voice makes f!Byleth a less obtrusive presence when it came time for me to have her S rank all the guys to fill out the support log...not enough to where I could treat her as a self-insert, but any amount helps. I do however have to add a third small bit of praise for Byleth, in that they apparently drive antis up the wall for the most asinine of reasons which is always entertaining to witness. I recall when this game’s school setting was first revealed that everyone in the fandom nodded their heads and made the easy prediction that there would be teacher/student sex because that’s just how FE rolls, but somehow still there’s outrage over it. Even so, Byleth is horrible by every significant parameter, and it’s a shame we’ll only be able to imagine what FE16 would have been like had the developers not felt the need to write the whole thing around an Avatar.

#Fire Emblem #FE16 #Fire Emblem Three Houses

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hearthandhomemagick · 4 years

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The Cottage Witches Journey Journal 18+ Trigger Warning (discusses adult situations and mentions abuse, assault & suicidal thoughts)

I would like to start this journal entry with who I am. My name is Carly, and my spiritual practice is focused on my Hearth and Home. I am writing this to kind of freely express myself, my experiences, and even speculations I may have. Feel free to follow me through this journey, or even offer conversation if you have a thought. I’m open for human connection and communication!

So, I’d say my journey started at a very young age. I grew up along side a river in Florida, where my family has owned land next to the water for quite a few generations. I grew up with a sizeable family and a lot of spiritual survival practices, including identifying plants and herbs for healing purposes, learning to read the land in front of me, and cleansing my heart in the current of the river when I am hurting. These were a part of my nature, and the tree bent by Native Americans, directing the flow of the water, was an asset to the land that felt like magical anytime I touched it. I was raised under the Christian faith and followed it for many many years, until I reached college. But, before I get fully into my religious transition, let me describe the woman I used to be.

As a young woman entering the world on her own for the very first time, I felt as though I had to prove my morals to the world. I felt a longing to prove to everyone why my approach to life was the best approach, and often fought with no thought to the other person in order to get my point across. I used to be fierce in my beliefs and would argue my corner until my lungs gave out. While this is admirable as a trait in defense, it is not admirable in a trait of happiness.

You see, I was learning that fighting for what I thought was right was more important than anything else, including myself. But if I am not fighting for myself, then who am I truly fighting for? The fight for “justice” took precedent over the fight for my own sanity. This was a reoccurring contemplation that passed through my mind effortlessly one day, creating an immediate explosion of, “What is Justice to me, for me?” Now, I am still no where near knowing exactly what Justice means to me. I don’t believe I will ever have a clear answer for that question, either, because it will be forever changing and growing as my understanding expands and grows. With that urge to fight my corner, I was also very extroverted with people in general. Being bullied as a kid, I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt, so I never held back from giving positive compliments or speaking my truth. This saved and hindered me all at once because while I loved human interaction and never met a stranger, I never truly picked up on negative gut feelings for people and gave so much of my energy to everyone that I had no energy for myself. Throughout that stage of my life, I was selfish and insecure all at the same time. My roommates were from India and China in college, and were smarter than me on paper because they had better educational opportunities than I did. I say this not because I’m jealous or envious, but because they pointed it out frequently. I could feel the insecurity of my own intelligence washing over me and their comments about me being overweight didn’t make me feel any better. These insecurities caused a heavy layer of selfishness, where I wanted to only worry about my own feelings & thoughts. While a fun period I am happy to have lived in my life, it was also a side of me that should have been put into check much earlier.

At some point, I couldn’t go back to college due to finances and was thrusted back into my hometown in Florida. This sent me into an anxiety filled depression which rocketed me into fits of self hatred, lack of motivation, lack of confidence, and staring at the pill bottle sitting on my bed side table. Through this time, I was forcing myself to pray to God that everything would be okay, & that I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I prayed, and knew I didn’t believe the words I spoke.

Let me repeat that. I prayed, knew it wouldn’t work, and still I prayed. This feeling of disconnect from my beliefs and religion rocked everything I had imagined, and yet forced me to fix my problems myself. Because I didn’t believe some magic man in the sky would magically fix all of my issues, I started contemplating whether I was connected to any spirituality at all.

Now, when I had moved back to my hometown, I started looking for friendship and found drama. I would go to karaoke at a bar with my older sister, singing is something I breathe for, and grew tired of the criticism given to people who enjoyed what they were doing, but never met the standards of professionals. My sister started talking shit about people, and I wasn’t for that energy or drama so I stopped going. I started hanging with my friend Raven, but she moved to Jacksonville shortly after I moved back. I then started hanging with a high school friend named Jordan, whom took me different places to interact with people every once in a while. Jordan knew an old high school friend, Logan, and invited me to smoke cannabis every once in a while on the weekends. While hanging out with Jordan and Logan, Logan and I started getting closer. While my mind felt as though it was packed full of passing negative thoughts and deterioration, Logan was teaching me my morals again.

At this point, my faith had been falling apart, but I had not vocalized it until I told Logan. The moment I went over to his apartment and started expressing that I felt religion was beautiful and yet not for me, his eyes lit up and a spark flew. We talked for hours that night, and for hours the nights after. He taught me to be an individual and made me feel as though I was smart again, he made me feel worth it. We eventually got into a relationship together and started working together to build a heathy foundation of trust, understanding, communication & sustainability. He is my equal, and I started my spiritual journey with him by my side.

Fast forward to the end of 2019, I’m in Gainesville (Florida) with my best friend, Tiana, for Christmas shopping. We had stopped in a few stores prior and decided that going into a spiritual store would be cool, so we sought out the Bodhi Tree. This shop was a sizeable metaphysical store that I had been in every so often when in town. Once we got there, I was immediately pulled to the back of the store where the divination tools & books were located. I had always found interest in magic and the elements, especially as a child, and caught myself eyeing the oracle cards in front of me. I could feel an energy pushing me towards a specific deck, but I couldn’t figure out which it was. So I stood for a moment, contemplating why I was attracted to that area with no interest in the decks presented to me. That’s when I noticed a blue box sticking out from behind a different deck. I picked it up & observed the lovely Angels & Ancestors Oracle box in front of me, and knew from that moment on that they were meant to be mine.

As they called to me, I found myself taking them to the check out counter and purchasing them without a second thought. I had no preface of what to expect from this, nor did I know whether this was even something I would be capable of committing to. All I knew was that my body and mind owned them before I even paid for them. The Universe confirmed the connection was meant to be when we then went to a book store and discovered an array of tarot and oracle decks & books. I bought a purple velvet tarot bag, and everything started falling into place.

After a month of playing with the cards, connecting with and enjoying their messages and images, I proceeded to buy my first ever tarot deck, The Herbcrafter’s Tarot. I fell in love with this deck, even though it was hard to read. It was my learning deck and I started recognizing what my spirituality meant to me.

Over time, I remained Agnostic in terms of Religion, and focused on the energy I held & self expansion. I didn’t know what to believe, think or even how far or long I was going to venture this path. Eventually, though, I recognized why I put a besom over my door and felt protective of my home and its comfortability. I started seeking more spiritual energy in my home and was beginning my path to becoming a Hearth Witch. I got with my cousin and at the beginning of 2020, I started my spiritual awakening journey.

It started when Logan didn’t have a job to go to. I was working as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate and, after a few months of struggling financially, got a second job as a CBD Store Associate on the weekends. I worked harder than I ever have in my life and learned my own independence in the process. Spiritually, my vibes were low and I was experiencing anxiety, depression and PTSD from the re-traumatization of counseling Sexual Violence Survivors. I even went through a horrible time where for months on end I would wake up throwing up non stop. The doctors couldn’t figure out what it was and I lost 50 pounds from the malnutrition. I was at my lowest, and felt like focusing on myself was destroying me more than it was helping. I took shadow-work as self hatred and criticism, and forgot to put honey on my tongue before looking in the mirror. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why I was as sick mentally and physically as I was.

Then, something happened. After a terrible event between my cousin and nieces, where my cousin told my nieces that chopped up dead children were in the walls of their brand new home, I recognized the importance of boundaries with everyone. Now, a lot more happened between my cousin and I prior to this, including her assuming my boyfriend was abusive because she received a reading that she felt was meant for me, but never was. So, after the drama settled, I ghosted.

I left everyone’s problems to themselves and started worrying about the things in my life I can change. This resulted in actual self reflection, self awareness & peace of mind. My tarot card readings became more clear and precise, and tarot decks started being given to me as gifts. Eventually, I noticed that my job as an Advocate was a huge problem in my life.

I experienced Sexual Violence in the past, and in my year as an Advocate, I had been paid $11 an hour to counsel up to 7-12 different Survivors in a week. I was asked to do everything, including my Supervisors job, and went above and beyond with little to no credit going towards my work. I didn’t even feel safe making a mistake or two, simply because I watched Advocates get fired for having a quiet personality or making mistakes and asking too many questions. The days leading up to my final day at that job, I was throwing up everything in my stomach every morning until 5 minutes before I had to leave, so I was late for work everyday.

The day after my last day as an Advocate was my first time not throwing up in months. And I haven’t thrown up since I left.

Logan started a new job that gave him ample finances, and I was making more in a week at my new job than I was as an Advocate. This is where my healing started. I started giving my mental more attention, speaking softer to myself, and appreciating the people around me. Logan even started showing me more affection, and being nicer to himself.

Spiritually we were growing together.

Ugh, I have so much I want to discuss and talk about with others!!!! There will definitely be more thoughts and entries as time goes on. Especially with the end of 2020.

So, this is where my journey begins. I am here because I like to talk, to speculate & even debate certain things and ideas. I love energy, and the energy people bring forward is always fascinating. So please, drop an ask, message me, or let me know your thoughts!

#tarot #spiritual #shadow work #religion #witch #kitchenwitch #hearth #hearthwitch #witchcraft #metaphysical #selflove #oracle #story #journal #witchy #spiritwork #witchdiscussion #babywitch

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apothecarywormcrud · 4 years

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11 and 13 for Masato? 👀 i wanna say all of them for Masato but.

oh i am DOING all of them i wanna talk about masato

or. well. most of them.

1. Does your insert have a name that’s different from yours? Does the name reflect their character in any way, or is it just because it sounds nice? How did you come up with it?

I’ve talked about this before, but Masato’s name is very specifically spelled 眞人, (the kanji for “real” and “human,” respectively.) I sorta knew from the start that I wanted to give them a name with 人 in it; something deliberately ironic, because Mayuri is a dick who loves a bad joke.

(It’s a particularly cruel joke in the context of Masato’s original backstory, where they were meant to be an experiment in what happens when you let someone think they’re a real person and then strip that assumption away. But I wanted to give them sick powers, so that was shunted to the sidelines.)

2. Does your insert have a very strong relationship with a f/o, maybe more than one?

I talk about Szayel enough on here so I’m gonna talk about Nnoitra instead. In my version of canon, his mask is cracked open by Kenpachi, reducing him to a state similar to Nel’s. (That’s karmic retribution, bitch!) Suffice to say he’s pretty upset about this, and proceeds to skulk about Las Noches refusing to let anyone see him until Szayel gets back to fix things.

Masato meets him by chance when their powers are still sealed up post-jailbreak (this one’s seal 2: electric boogaloo) and is all like, what’s with this sassy lost pre-teen? Eventually they become sparring partners, since while Nnoitra’s regaining his powers, Masato is the only person in Las Noches capable of fighting at such a low level; and once he’s got them back, they can go hog-wild without worrying about fucking him up too much. Their relationship doesn’t have the same...belligerent romantic tension that Masato and Szayel’s does, but Nnoitra is fond of Masato, even if he’s horrible at admitting it. They’re friends and they suck!

More abt. Nnoitra actually bc I love this song: nerfing him puts him in a position where he’s forced to rely on other people, and despite feeling totally worthless and vulnerable and having to undergo the humiliation of being protected, there’s also the experience of being told, “So what if you don’t have any power? That doesn’t make me respect you any less.” So he has the opportunity to build his self-worth back up based on something less subjective, and now he can actually interact with other people on the same level, which is great news for Tesla, who gets to strengthen his spine and be truly up front about his feelings, because Nnoitra no longer has any power over him.

I think, for relationships like these, finding a level playing field is super important! And I’ve always been fascinated by characters who develop in opposition to one another and eventually meet in the middle. Masato and Szayel are also that way, in that they round out some of his edges, and he sharpens some of theirs, and the actual feelings proper don’t start developing until a ways in, and they’re not even admitted until post-canon, because in order to even consider that sort of relationship, the two of them have to come to respect each other first. Enemies-to-lovers is a fucking ART.

3. Who in their canon are they closest to?

Kurosaki fam and by extension, Ichigo’s friends. Masato has commissioned at least one custom jacket from Uryu. Also Arrancar Squad and my friend Percy’s insert Juro, who’s a creepy little goth weirdo and a visored.

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are?

Masato is a mod-soul based off of Mayuri’s quincy research. They’re designed to passively absorb reishi until at max capacity (which is quite large), at which point they can be forcefully “detonated,” destroying them in the process and causing a significant amount of damage to the surrounding area as the stored reishi is released. As a weapon, they’re highly experimental—meant as a last resort rather than something put to regular use.

Mayuri dumped them in the human world, where their reishi absorption wouldn’t negatively impact the Seireitei, and planned to let them simmer there for about ten years. There’s a seal incorporated into their gigai that not only blocks them from accessing the reishi inside of them, but prevents any outside force (such as hollows) from sensing it.

Once they become aware of what they are, Masato gets big anxious about anything that implies they’re not a real person. I’d love to salvage Kon’s original personality from before he was relegated to pervy comic relief because I think there’s the potential for some interesting interactions there.

5. Does your insert have any magical talents or otherwise special abilities?

Passive reishi absorption, and after Uruhara modifies their gigai so they can access their power reserves, they can vent it from their body and use the force to blast themselves around or add more power to their blows. Their body is about as resilient as a normal human’s, but the only way they can truly “die” is if their soul candy is crushed, which means that injuries that would normally be fatal are just excruciatingly painful. This definitely isn’t just an excuse for me to fuck them up beyond all belief.

Due to Szayel’s tinkering, they eventually end up as what’s effectively an artificial Quincy.

6. Do they fight? What’s their weapon of choice? What’s the motivation for them to fight, or to stay OUT of a fight?

They prefer not to fight if they can avoid it, but if shit gets real then they won’t hesitate, bitch. They’re reasonably proficient with a blade after several years of kendo training, and like to bring a practice sword into dangerous situations. It’s not going to do much good against the likes of shinigami or hollows, but it makes them feel more secure, and it’s a good misdirection tactic.

Due to the whole “functionally unkillable” thing, they’re also far more likely to take risks in battle, and have a tendency to rush in without thinking when one of their comrades is hurt.

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing?

It’s all cropped jackets and harem pants up in this bitch. I drew them in that sort of outfit once and now it’s all I give them. They don’t particularly care for their arrancar clothes, but it makes them less conspicuous and also, Szayel insisted on it. Can’t have your prized experiment running around looking like some sort of ragamuffin, after all. I keep meaning to write something where they visit Sastre for a fitting, because what good is having other arrancar OCs if I don’t do anything with them?

8. How do they fit into their canon world?

A side character who tags along with the main cast but ultimately doesn’t impact events too much. They have their own wholly separate plot going for them and it involves self-actualization and kissing arrancar.

9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life?

Kendo, gardening, bike rides through the countryside.

11. How easy is it to make your insert angry? Sad? How easy is it to twist their emotions into negative things?

Masato’s actually pretty difficult to rile up, unless you’re pushing some Very Specific buttons (personhood is the big one), at which point they become incredibly easy to mess with. Szayel is...uncomfortably good at making them upset.

13. What are your insert’s goals?

Up to a certain point, they were happy to live a normal life and protect the people around them when called for. Then they wind up back in Mayuri’s lab and proceed to jailbreak Szayelaporro, retreat to Hueco Mundo, and strike a deal with him in order to gain more power and get mutual revenge on Mayuri.

Post-canon...they start coming to terms with the fact that their body will never age and grow like a normal human’s, and that if/when they die, their soul will effectively be destroyed, and they decide, hey, fuck that shit, actually, and do a bunch of crazy science until they’ve got that shit sorted out (ultimately becoming like Nemu, if not something that improves on her design).

14. Does your insert have any family relations?

Isshin was the one who found them shortly after they were dumped on Earth, and kept them around for a number of reasons (the majority of which involved his Soul Reaper Senses tingling). So Masato’s got what’s effectively an adoptive dad and three younger siblings, who they dote on and bully interchangeably (and whose last name they may or may not have borrowed) (Isshin insisted on it, actually, since it’d make the documentation easier). They have temporary solidarity with Yuzu over not being able to see spirits.

Mayuri is....arguably family but also like, fuck that. Masato does consider Nemu to be something like a sister, though, and feels particularly protective of her the more they interact. They have just as much a desire to help Nemu escape Mayuri’s influence as they do themselves.

15. Does your insert have any enemies? What’s that dynamic like? Why are they enemies? Did they ever get along in the past? Is patching up differences out of the question for the future?

Fuck Mayuri me and my homies all hate Mayuri. I shouldn’t really need to explain this one. He treats Masato solely as an experiment and tool for his use. Unlike with Nemu, the fact that Masato is developing on their own is more of an inconvenience than anything, and before they broke out with Szayel, Mayuri was fully intending to wipe their memories and start over from square one. There is some good news, however, which is that Masato does get their revenge and uses their shiny new Quincy powers to seal up Mayuri’s reishi and get him kicked out of the captain’s seat.

Szayel starts off as an enemy, since you can’t really have an enemies-to-lovers plot without one. He’s done some pretty atrocious things to Masato, but he treats them significantly more like a person than Mayuri ever did. Masato has very little respect for him, and the only reason they start working with him to begin with is because he represents a means to an end. Of course, the more time they spend together, the more tolerant they become of each other...among other things.

#all of them except the ones i dont want to #ass memes #masato #@anyone who isnt felix if u read through all of this i pledge 2 u my eternal devotion #raudrfox2

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ofcloudsandstars · 4 years

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Hi! I would love a reading if you have the time. Obviously a lot of things are in flux now, and a huge shift for me is happening for my spirituality and the state of my soul. It feels like they’re the dissolved sludge in a chrysalis, if that makes sense, lol. Can you help me understand what’s going on in there? I find myself thinking about my past lives, my relationship with magic, and sources of my power. Any insight would be appreciated! Thank you so much 💕

Just a general note for now: Reading requests are closed. I will get to the requests in my inbox but just to make sure I can get to all of them and won't be drowned I am closing it lol. Each reading does take a lot of energy so they may take me a while to answer all of them but rest assured if you sent in a request I will get to you!

I will be happy to do a reading for you! It’s a bit long so I did a read more:

1- your general card - Ace of Wands reversedThis card shows that you are beginning a journey within. This journey will help you to revitalize your sense of self and bring more opportunities in the future but it's a process of evolution, self discovery and a journey into your past and present to re-evaluate your spirit and shed what's no longer needed while rediscovering the essential parts before you can move forward. The ace of wands shows that you have the energy and passion there to take on this journey yet you aren't defined yet, your current path isn't clear and you may have a lack of direction. What can help clarify this path is to first focus on where your true passions lie and what your spirit needs. Like most reversed cards, this card encourages self reflection but it's also a card that shows your process of rebirth is on hold until you make these discoveries. Self reflection and realization takes a lot of time, so be patient cause this is one of those situations that it's more about the journey than the destination. If you are feeling lost in the sauce, you are supposed to feel lost in the sauce and take this time to dig through yourself and rediscover what's important to you on a soul level.

2- the cocoons purpose/why you are in a cocoon - Three of Wands reversedLike the previous card, this card is showing that it's time for you to grow and expand, but within yourself before you can spread your wings out in the world. If you didn't take this time to look within and explore yourself, the future will hold less opportunities simply because you would lack the awareness and wisdom to see that they are there. This journey of personal development may take a while (this card is pairing a lot with #4's message) and there could be some creative blockages that may make you feel frustrated or disappointed, but the setbacks are an essential part of your life's journey and help illuminate things for you to gain new wisdom and perspective.

3. what you should do in the cocoon - Page of Wands reversedThis card is only amplifying what the others are pointing out. The fact that this is in the center of the spread shows that this journey is about self evolution and spiritual rebirth. You may feel that you have a lot of energy within you to begin something new yet you may either not have a clear direction yet, may have begun only to get a little lost on the way or took the wrong approach or have had a lot of setbacks from the outside world that could have dampened your motivation. However this card shows that it's not a time for doing, it's a time to rediscover yourself, find what speaks to your spirit and let the insights come to you from the creative void. Taking action with this energy at this time may be unwise as you may take the wrong approach again. You are still in the early stages of formation in the cocoon. You are just to 'play' with your new ideas, experiment, see them grow and blossom. Don't force anything, just sit and self reflect and it will come to you.

4. the outcome of the cocoon - Seven of Pentacles uprightIt's no surprise this card would come up as this journey is a spiritual one and you are in it for the long haul. The seven of pentacles shows that with hard work and understanding the value of putting in time and energy for long-term rewards you will be able to build a strong spiritual foundation. It may be a path that is slow to build, full of frustration and slow wins, but it's worth it. Even if you may lose motivation at times because you don't see the rewards yet, this card always invites you to reflect if you feel on track, look at the bigger picture and celebrate your progress so far. Spiritual growth is a life long journey.

5. Obstacles - Strength uprightThis journey can sometimes be full of uncertainty and frustration and you may find it easy at times to throw in the towel after your energy can be repeatedly used up. When it feels easier to quit or rage at everything remember it's ok to take a break and take it one day at a time. A lot of strength comes from the ability to endure other than breaking through right away. You may get challenged a lot or you could feel trapped in this cocoon feeling as if you'll never break out, but know that it is apart of the process. Write down all the things you are passionate about. Think about the time when you were a child and you had your favorite hobbies or things to do. When you are feeling your worse revisit that list and try to experiment with those things again. This whole process is about your experimentation and self exploration. You do have what it takes to endure!

6. Advice - The sun reversedThis card just echoed what I wrote at the end of Strength! It's time to reconnect with your inner child!! In adulthood (especially since us millenials are blessed with figuring out our lives and adult stability in the End of Times) we get so lost in the hustle/bustle, depression, nihilism and patterns of every day life that we forget how to have fun and what fun even means. Fun was a way for kids to explore their world and relationship towards it in a carefree way. Life is meant to be an experience. It's meant to be an experience for our souls to grow, for us to get a chance to explore ourselves in a new time period, in a new identity, in a new body. It's meant to be an experience that helps us gain perspective or be more vibrant. It's up to you to find fulfillment in that experience and as children we all instinctively knew what that meant until this dystopian society beat it out of us (or worse, tried to monetize our hobbies and say the only way what we could ever do have value is if we can market it on social media.) There is no golden pot at the end of the rainbow as our reward (I know there are some religious beliefs that what you did in life grants you glory after it- but for arguments sake lets just focus on our current reality living life then be concerned about what happens after). The only thing that awaits us after life is death. Life itself is the reward, it's the lesson, it's the process, it's the spiritual growth, it's the Now. When you can, you should take as much time as you have available to enjoy it and find the things that make you feel fulfilled and go for them whenever you are able. The biggest message this whole spread has for you is to not rush your spiritual process and to sit still with that energy, but in the meanwhile take that energy to rediscover your inner child. What made you happy as a kid? Even if you never got to experience it as a child, what do you think you've always wanted as a kid that would make you feel more fulfilled? Explore those areas.

underlying card - Five of cups uprightThe underlying theme going on here is that you are also a bit sad and disappointed about how something did not turn out. You could be stuck in the past and blame yourself for the way things did not progress the way you wanted them to. However don't let this energy hold you back. Sometimes hindsight is better than foresight and that's what this process is. This card also shows that opportunities await but you have to let go of the past, rediscover what's important to you and move forward.

Just cause you had some additional general questions I pulled out my favorite Oracle deck (Wisdom of the Oracle by Colette Baron-Reid- also big faerie energy)

Lessons from your past life - By the BookThe image is a family of elephants in a line. Each trunk of the elephant previous is wrapped around the tail of the larger elephant before them. They are all connected and following the same path.

I mean it goes without saying that this is obviously something karmic from a past life and this card is repeating the message. The wisdom this card has to bring is that you do not need to reinvent the wheel. There could have been similar obstacles you were facing in your past life that you are revisiting now. With some self reflection you could gain the wisdom of how to overcome these obstacles quicker as you had to do it before. Maybe you've succeeded before in a previous life but you might not have understood the lesson fully and therefore you are repeating the process again. This card shows that if you find that wisdom or clarity you don't need to go through it all again.

Lessons to learn from your magic path - All That GlittersThis card shows a pile of gold and two masks sitting on top of the pile.

This card really wants you to ask yourself what it is that you are getting out of your magical path. In this modern day with the witchy zeitgeist it's normal that we may first think about the flashier aspects of our path such as the tools, the aesthetics, what it is giving us short term instead of long term, but this card is about seeing beyond the superficial or quick results. If all of your tools were gone would you still feel like a witch? If you felt like all of your major problems in life were resolved would you still practice witchcraft? This card is asking you to look for the reason why you are in this path and hold on to that authenticity. It's time to reconnect to the root of that essence which can also be rediscovered along with the exploration of your inner child.

Lessons to learn from your source of power - Neverending StoryThis card shows a melancholic fairy sitting on the top of an hourglass. The time is running out and there is a compass inside of the glass pointing towards the fairy's love for herself but the needle rests between 'yes' and 'no'.

Wow ok so this wraps up the tarot reading as well. This card invites you to love and forgive yourself. You might have poured in a lot of energy towards previous endevours to see them not work out or you may not believe in your power. When you want to invest energy into something whether it be a project or your magic you may tear yourself down or you may look at setbacks as evidence that you aren't good enough yet. You do have a lot of power!! And that's what this coocoon phase is all about. Rediscovering your inner child, your source of power, the root of your magical path that gives you inspiration, a sense to life and meaning and you can't discover that all if you are being mean to yourself. Besides this world is mean, like we have Trump and Boris Johnson recovering from a plague when he was just about to shut down free medical care for everyone in the UK, like you also don't need to add extra hurt to yourself when the rest of the world is full of assholes also trying to hurt us. The fact that you are trying is good enough cause there's no success without trying. Think of your path or attempts as a plant that is trying to grow. You may be thinking about the fruit in the end and frusterated that you haven't gotten the fruit yet, but you can't get the fruit without the plant. And sometimes not even plant needs to have fruit anyway (I mean we may be over encouraged in this capitalist society to bear fruit so that someone can put a price tag on it and market us for profit) but some plants are beautiful and amazing and vibrant without fruit. A plant just lives and thrives on it's own and blesses everyone else with it's oxygen and presence. It doesn't always have to bear something. Your journey can be your path to thriving and being happy and growing, you don't need to think of an end goal or beat yourself up cause you haven't achieved it yet.

Underlying Oracle Card: PEACEThis card was on the bottom of the deck's stack. I always like to read the underlying card cause it shows hidden themes or background themes. On the card there is a dove carrying that leaf doves like to carry flying over an egg with a shadow of a face on it in an open field.

This card shows that the point of these journeys is for you to find inner harmony and peace. You will find alignment within yourself and your path. Remember even though journeys can be hard and frustrating they just want to you gain wisdom and understanding.

Hope that was insightful! Sorry that it was so long! Let me know how I did and if I was off or not!

#venus of suburbia #tarot

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thelightofthingshopedfor · 5 years

Text

it took me a little while to write anything summarizing the past decade (more impressive than just the previous year) and then I still meant to write something about goals for 2020, and now it’s February and I only just finished writing this post but you know what, that is fine, especially given that I’ve been thinking about some of this stuff for...I don’t know, a while.

so...goals. I don’t think I’ve ever made actual New Year resolutions because I know myself well enough to know I’d be setting myself up for failure, but I’ve usually had some vague goals in mind anyway. and if I focus on specific things, most of it really isn’t new. it’s like…finish more fics (especially short fics). finish more games (especially short games, free games, and walking simulators, double-especially when those categories overlap). get ADHD help. exercise consistently. figure out more stuff to list on Etsy that hits the magic sweet spot of reasonable effort-to-profit ratio (ideally, something I can make a lot of and then just sell, which I was hoping the Pride Cap stuff would be but there hasn’t been a lot of interest). somehow get my room into functional shape, which means organizing but also requires getting rid of a ton of shit so I actually have room for things. finish more personal customizing/craft projects, particularly more Loki figures. do what I can for the 2020 elections, gulp. but also, get enough sleep so I’m not exhausted ALL THE TIME, and try to manage my stress levels better, so basically if I want to do all of this, it boils down to “learn to manage my time perfectly, somehow”.

and like…those are good goals, in theory. I will definitely at least do some of those things. ideally I will do all of them, although that seems kind of unlikely, given that “more” is really not specific enough (but being specific is also hard, because it requires a lot of thought and decisions ahead of time and that’s also stressful…and it means I can concretely fall short, instead of being able to decide “no, actually, I did do enough to qualify for my vague goals so guess what brain, you can shut up”). on one level or another these are all things I want to do, even.

but the thing about a list like this is…well, it’s a list of goals, first of all, not a plan for achieving those goals, and that’s hard for the same reason being more specific is hard. Trying to make plans and concrete goals kind of makes my brain panic, which I hope is part of the whole ADHD thing so maybe I can get help for that, who knows. The bigger thing is that this list of goals isn’t really new, as I mentioned, which indicates I haven’t done too well in recent years at knocking off anything on the list, and it’s also...missing the bigger picture.

I have this idea, right, that if I let myself get away with not doing things I should do, I’ll have no motivation to do the things. in theory that sounds kind of reasonable, but what it means in practice is that when I fuck up, I hate myself for it. I’m a little better about this than I used to be–back in college I distinctly remember that I would berate myself for stuff as small as not finding the closest parking spot, and I recognized how ridiculous that was and mostly managed to stop. but I still do it with the chronic issues I can’t seem to get away from, like always being tired because I never get to bed at a good time, or often being late to appointments, or getting stressed over deadlines because I wait until the last minute to do most of the work, or how my room is a disaster and I hate the fact that I can’t find anything but I don’t know what to do about it because there’s not enough room for everything and I want to keep all of it, or meaning to work out but instead scrolling Tumblr on my phone for a while until it’s so late I just need to go home, or frequently getting charged interest on my credit cards because I don’t stay on top of paying them off, or spending a ton of time re-reading fic or scrolling Tumblr and using up all the time I could’ve spent on things I actually needed or wanted to do, or losing money because I didn’t think of something obvious or slacked off on preventative measures or forgot about a good coupon/deal until after it expired, or missing out on an opportunity because I forgot about it or kept putting it off, or getting awful headaches every weekend because I spend too much time in bed and then too much time just kind of fucking around on the computer or my phone and let myself get dehydrated, or having big plans of actually accomplishing things over the weekend and not doing them for the same reason, or…well, any of the other ways I fall short. and if the specific instance is unusually bad/consequential, or my brain is already bad from something else and I get into a spiral of fixating on all the ways I fall short, I basically just…get stuck on the self-loathing. and even when I recognize I’m doing this and it’s not good, I think part of the reason I have such a hard time breaking out of the spiral is that idea that I can’t just let myself get away with fucking up and failing to do things because how else will I learn to stop?

there’s probably a lot of mess in my upbringing (conservative evangelical/fundie stuff in general, my family specifically, and then the ways all those issues were exacerbated or at least perpetuated by my two years at a private Christian school and four years in a weird leadership track of the Honors program in college) that could be blamed for this, and it’s the sort of thing I’ve unpacked some with therapists and should do so again, assuming I can ever find a long-term therapist lolsob. and again, there’s a kernel of a reasonable idea in there: there are loads of things I don’t necessarily want to do but that are important to do anyway, and other things where the process isn’t necessarily the most fun but the end result is genuinely worth it, so I can’t just...decide that it’s fine if I never do anything. like, for extremely obvious reasons, I can’t decide I’m going to practice self-care by quitting my job and spending every day on the couch playing video games, or that I’m never going to walk my dog unless I feel like it, or that I’m going to stop doing the exercises that might help my neck/head pain in the long term because I dislike them in the short term. equally, I don’t want to quit every game I play the second I get a little frustrated, because then I would literally never finish any of them, including all my favorites; I don’t want to quit writing just because some parts aren’t actively fun; I want to complete more customizing/craft projects even if that process also isn’t always actively fun. and sometimes it’s tough to recognize the difference, when it’s healthy to say “actually I’m not going to push myself on this” and when it’s important to say “yeah, this isn’t fun, but the result is worth it so we’re gonna push it anyway”. it’s often really tough, in fact! probably trying to figure out this difference is something else I need to bring up with a therapist, because obviously I have a very hard time identifying it!

but. but. engaging in what is essentially (mostly subconscious, but still) self-harm by hating myself for fucking up–well, even if we’re looking at it from a solely practical perspective, there’s a big and obvious problem that you may have noticed from the long list of things I keep doing even as I know I shouldn’t:

if punishing myself with self-loathing is a necessary deterrent for various ways of fucking up, but also I keep fucking up in the exact same ways, then obviously it doesn’t fucking work. not only that, it’s actively counter-productive, because when I start hating myself for fucking up, I become incapable of doing pretty much anything—all my energy gets absorbed into the spiral of self-loathing. and honestly I’m probably also teaching my brain to associate these things I need to do with the pain of hating myself for not doing them, which makes my negative response to those things even stronger.

this boils down to something really simple that I’ve been trying to get through my skull: I cannot hate myself into becoming a better person. I shouldn’t, for many reasons, but I also just can’t, as in it literally isn’t possible, and I think I’ve pretty conclusively proven that, based on the fact that...you know...I’m still fucking up in all the exact same ways. so I can’t hate myself into becoming a better person. and that leaves, maybe, trying to forgive myself more, and work with myself instead of focusing on how I should be doing things, and trying not to feel apologetic or guilty for having preferences or not being “good enough” or what the fuck ever.

I want to work on a lot of things, yeah. I’m dissatisfied with a lot of things that are, in theory, within my power to fix, so I would like to do what I can to fix them. but instead of constantly getting down on myself for being slow with everything, for instance, maybe I can say that I tend to be methodical and I like to take my time. (and also for instance, instead of shitting on myself for posting this at the beginning of February, I can just shrug because years are a human construct and it seriously doesn’t matter.) instead of feeling like I should preface anything I say about most of my interests with a disclaimer that I know it’s silly, maybe I can...not do that, and just have hobbies and preferences. instead of hating myself every time I fuck up, maybe I can forgive myself and try again.

so. that’s what I want to try to do more in 2020. apologize less for existing. forgive myself more. maybe get some shit done in the process.

#I don't know what to tag this #brains behaving badly #2020 goals #self harm tw #kind of #adhd #depression

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