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friendly-books · 2 months ago

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Rivers of London read and write up

Thanks for the recommendation @temporaryyuri. I’ve been told it's about a magic london cop. I won’t hold him being an Englishman against him that’s not his fault but I will hold him being a cop against him. But I’ve been told he’s cool.

“when he noticed that it was in fact missing a head.” pg. 1 Well looks like there’s been a murder. Now let’s see if it’s mundane or supernatural.

“Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police.” pg. 2 What your supposed to do if you’re in Great Britain and deal with a crime call the emergency line 999

“everything else being equal, it probably wasn’t a case of accidental death.” pg. 2 Ha and yes having your head removed definitely isn’t accidental

This book is so British. I might need to go eat a burger and apple pie to compensate

“why it was me that met the ghost” pg. 3 Metaphorical or “physical” ghost?

“We maintained a strictly professional relationship despite my deep-seated yearning to climb into her uniform trousers.” pg. 5 Well then good to know.

“My name’s Nicholas Wallpenny” pg. 7 Such a British name

“Seeing as I’m dead.” pg. 8 Well at least he knows he’s dead

“The killing gentlemen did t just change his hat and coat, he changed his face” pg. 10 Spooky

“Separate beds, unfortunately” pg. 11 Just ask her out

“Trident was always on the lookout for black officers to do hideously dangerous undercover work and being mixed race meant I qualified.” pg. 15 POC protagonist! Not a fan of Trident or that police force

“Too easily distracted”

“You were checking what was written on the lions bum”

“I like you, I think you’re a good man, but it’s like you don’t see the world the way a copper needs to see the world-it’s like you’re seeing stuff that isn’t there.” pg. 21 Does Peter have ADD or ADHD?

“I’m going to hack HOMES and see if my ghost was right,” pg. 25 Homes like Sherlock Homes? And what do you mean hack? Hacking takes exploiting security vulnerabilities or a phishing con? This is going to take so long

Whats the main character’s name? I don’t think anyone’s said it yet.

“I wondered if we could enhance the faces” pg. 29 I don’t think that’s a thing

“Nicholas the corporally challenged,” pg. 31 Ha

“Peter” pg. 32 Protagonist name finally

“emphasized the width of his shoulders and a trim waist.”

“When he strolled over to talk to me, I thought he might be looking for that slightly ethnic boyfriend after all.” pg. 34 Ha Is Peter bi? Time for a counter. Bi Peter 1

“Detective Chief Inspector Thomas Nightingale,” pg. 35 I was told I would like this character and that I would ship him with Peter so let it begin

“Ghost are real.” pg. 49 Fun

“You took sciences at A-level,” said Nightingale as we pulled out. “Why didn’t you take a science degree?”

“I got distracted, sir.” pg. 51 Time to look up what A-level means

“We call it vestigium” pg. 54 Cool

“He was from Yorkshire or somewhere like that and, like many Northerners with issues, he’d moved to London as a cheap alternative to psychotherapy.” pg. 55 What’s wrong with people in Yorkshire?

“He bore down the corridor toward us like a bull on steroids and as he did I had to fight the urge to hide behind Nightingale.” pg. 56 I’m sure Nightingale will protect you

“I’m late for my colonic irrigation.” pg. 57 Is he talking about a colonoscopy?

“What’s the agreement?” I asked?

“It’s not important,” said Nightingale” pg. 57 That’s going to come up again

“A life of quiet desperation,” said Nightingale. I knew it was a quote but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of asking who’d said it.” pg. 58 Well I’m going to look it up. It looks like it’s from Henry David Thoreau book called Civil Disobedience and Other Essays

“but the Murder Team didn’t know about know about my psyche powers and the vestigium of the barking dog.” pg. 59 Peter you didn’t know about your psyche powers up until a couple of hours ago

“I looked at Nightingale, but he just raised an eyebrow.” pg. 61 Nightingale what did you do to the dog?

“A wizard.”

“Like Harry Potter?”

Nightingale sighed. “No,” he said “Not like Harry Potter.”

“In what way?”

“I’m not a fictional character,” pg. 63 Ha

“Brandon Coopertown was a good-looking older man in his mid forties with black hair and narrow features.” pg. 65 Bi Peter 2

“Stone retains vestigia very well. That’s why old buildings have such character.” pg. 69 Interesting

“Just ask him about the year of his birth.” pg. 75 Interesting how old are you Nightingale

“thrown a baby from a second story window.” pg. 80 Oh no

“Salaam” I said

“Assalaamu alaykum” pg. 91

“dissimuo was a magic spell that could change your appearance.” pg. 92 Interesting

“It’s almost impossible to steal another man’s magic.” pg. 94 Almost that’s the key word here

“It’s theoretically possible, but, morality aside, I couldn’t do it.” said Nightingale. “I don’t think any human wizard could.” pg. 95 But a non human wizard could

“Do I have to call Sifu?” pg. 97 Ha

“You have to call me Master.”

“Master?”

“That’s the tradition” said Nightingale.

I said the word in my head and it kept on coming out massa.” pg. 97 Glad I’m not the only one who got a bad taste in my mouth when Nightingale a white man says that Peter a bi racial man should call him ‘master’ Massa is a offensive and outdated term used in writing to represent spoken altercations of the word master.

“And your patron Sir Issac Newton?” I asked

Nightingale grinned. “He was our founder and the first man to systematize the practice of magic.

“I was taught that he invented modern science,” I said.

“He said both,” Nightingale. “That’s the nature of genius.” pg. 106 Interesting

“And she is…”

“Indispensable,” said Nightingale” pg. 108 Glad that Nightingale is nice to the “help” but what is Molly?

“while I, easily distracted remember, had been wondering whether I could sneak Leslie back to my room in Folly.” pg. 114 Peter focus please

“Middle aged women suddenly goes bonkers and attacks someone in the cinema, in front of her children.” pg. 118 Suspicious maybe magic?

“What’s she going to do with it all the leftover.”

“I’ve learned to not ask these questions,” said Nightingale

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m not sure I want to know the answers.” pg. 120 Ha

“So it’s not a process of oxidation, is it?” I asked

“Focus,” said Nightingale “Magic first science later.” pg. 123 Peter can multi task

“Good,” I said. “Now I’m incentivized.”

Nightingale laughed and let me to it.” pg. 124 Ha and I take it Nightingale hasn’t laughed in awhile

“I’d managed to get it turn it on but got distracted when Nightingale put us around the Hogarth roundabout fast enough to smack my head against the side window.” pg. 125 Ouch slow down Nightingale who taught you how to drive? How do you have your drivers license?

“Eel Pie Island I knew, as a collection of boatyards and houses on a river islet barely five hundred meters long.” pg. 126 Interesting

“Better than watchdogs,” said Nightingale “ask the Romans” pg. 126 Why did you know any Romans? How old are you? And yes geese are terrifying

Glad the books explaining London police talk

“River spirits” pg. 131 Cool

“He’s a troll.” pg. 135 Trolls are real in this world

“That the boys in the boat had been followers of Father Thomas, and had come downstream to raid the shrine at Eel Pie Island and been caught by followers of Mother Thames.” pg. 137 Why does this give me slit verse vibes?

Does Peter have daddy issues? That’s what I’m picking up

“I tried to keep my eyes off the long legs emerged slender and brown below the helm of the tshirt.” pg. 141 Focus Peter

“I was fighting the urge to fling myself to my knees before her and put my face between her breasts and go blubby, blubby, blubby.” pg. 144 So definitely some sort of supernatural thing right? Charm person?

“Are you on speaking terms with the Mississippi, then?” pg. 145 Ha

“My father always swore that jazz, like the blues, was born in the muddy water of the Mississippi.” pg. 145 Yep and resisting the urge to talk about music history

“there were too many Igbo in my class.

‘I can no longer wait for you to make up your mind and I am going to marry a white bitch Irish woman.” pg. 147 Someone’s bitter. Igbo refers to a member of the largest ethnic group in southeastern Nigeria. And there’s no need to bring the girl’s ethnicity in this :|

“This is the cleanest industrial river in Europe.” pg. 150 That’s concerning. How dirty are the other rivers?

“I dreamed that I was sharing a bed with Leslie May and Beverly Brook both lithe and naked on either side.” pg. 153 Peter don’t make this into a love triangle

“Tactus disvitae,” he said “The smell of afterlife-they must be down here.” pg. 169 Good to know

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we deal with vampires in Old London Times.” pg. 173 With grenades and white phosphorus

“Fuck me, I thought. I can do magic.” pg. 178 Yep Peter can do magic!

“I said she could come in, but she looked shifty and said she couldn’t.” pg. 179 Oh threshold magic

“Surprisingly, Molly was standing beside her, their heads close together as if exchanging confessions.” pg. 180 Ohh interesting

“I noticed Toby was my dog now.” pg. 185 Yes!

“I hung up as Beverly Brook sauntered over from the hospital, the swing of her hips dragging my eyes.” pg. 186 Peter I feel like I need a spray bottle for every time you get like this

“one of her breasts pushed against my shoulder and I resisted the urge to put my arm around her waist.” pg. 192 Come on Peter focus on the plot and the magic. I’m choosing to believe there’s some magic involved when it comes to Beverly

“She was spontaneously created by the midcholorians.” pg. 194 Ha nice Star Wars reference

“Detective Sergeant Miriam Stephanopoulos, Seawoll’s right-hand woman and terrifying lesbian.” pg. 205 I love her already even though she’s a cop

“You’re not the first apprentice with an inquisitive mind.” pg. 210 Were you one Nightingale?

“The man was holding silver topped cane and for a moment I thought he might be Nightingale, but the man was older and his eyes were an intense blue. Nightingale senior perhaps?” pg. 212 That’s Nightingale isn’t it.

Good for Molly with the painting

“It was Inspected Nightingale, dressed in the blue polo shirt and blazer that I recognized as being the closest thing he ever got to casual dress. I stared at him stupidly for a moment.” pg. 217 Oh I’m choosing to believe this is a Bi Peter 3

“Thank you,” he said. “Call me Thomas, please.”

Which was just not going to happen.” pg. 218 Come on Peter call him Thomas :)

“You don’t think she and Nightingale…?” asked Leslie

“Ew,” said Beverly. “That’s just wrong.” pg. 219 I agree they can just be friends

“Young men are always tempted to use brute force,” Nightingale had said. “It’s like learning to shoot a riffle; because it’s inherently dangerous, you teach safety, accuracy, and speed-in that order.” pg. 222 Oh were you tempted to use brute strength Nightingale? And he’s definitely old who uses a rifle anymore?

“Officially she was there to liaise with me on the case but really she was mainly there for the wide-screen tv, takeout, and the unresolved sexual tension.” pg. 223 No Peter stop :(

“It’s the change in the clocks,” he said. “Twice a year she takes the day off.” pg. 224 Good for her

“of the horseshoe roof of a wooden gypsy caravan” pg. 227 I believe the term is Romani

“I nearly said that not all fathers were worthy of respect, but I managed to keep my gob shut and anyway not everyone had a dad like mine.” pg. 238 Daddy issues

“We both laughed out loud at that and bypassed Swindo.” pg. 242 Aw they’re laughing with each other

“It was the same Old Man in 1914, I can tell you that for certain.”

“How do you know that?”

Nightingale hesitated, then he said, “I’m not quite as young as I look” pg. 242 I knew it

“It’s escalating,” pg. 245 Yep

“All to no avail, except pissing off Nightingale” pg. 251 Hold on Nightingale Peter’s experiments could be useful

I like that Peter experiment with magic

“Nightingale laughed. I caught a flicker of movement in my peripheral vision and I turned to find Molly standing in the doorway, eyes shining with reflected fire and fixed on Nightingale.” pg. 255 Aw :)

“The Folly has three libraries;” pg. 261 Can I live there?

“Vincit qui se vincit August 1821. I wondered what it meant.” pg. 262 According to google translate it means “he conquers who conquers himself”

“Nightingale smiled

“What is it?” I asked

“You remind me of a wizard I used to know called David Mellenby,” said Nightingale. “He had the same obsession.”

“What happened to him?” I asked. “And did he leave any notes?”

“I’m afraid he died in the war,” pg. 263 So many thoughts. I love that Peter makes Nightingale smile and laugh I take it this hasn’t happened in a long time. I want to learn more about David. I don’t know if David actually died maybe he’s behind the murders? Tinfoil hat theory. And what war Nightingale? World War One or two? How old are you?

“Help me,” he said

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“He’s eating me,” pg. 269 Oh no

“There was a poster, white lettering on a blood red background, keep calm and carry on, which I thought was good advice.” pg. 270 Peter please tell me you know England history. And interesting that Nightingale has the original poster. Peter doesn’t mention whether the poster has a crown on it

“We broke off for morning tea” pg. 272 Morning tea? Really? So British

“You keep asking the kind of question,” said Nightingale, “that really shouldn’t be coming up for another year or so.” pg. 273 Come on Nightingale tell Peter. So what if he’s asking questions that “shouldn’t be coming”? why does there need to be a time table when Peter “should” learn things?

“You get hunted down even unto the ends of the Earth and summarily executed,” pg. 274 I’d hope so as murder and human sacrifice are illegal and unethical

“safety within screaming-for-help range” pg. 276 Ha

“Chemical glow sticks from the local camping shop and these I cracked and placed where the crib sheet called for candles.” pg. 277 If they work then that’s cool

“I heard Nightingale yelling and looked over to see him running flat out towards me.” pg. 280 Go Nightingale save Peter

“Nightingale grabbed my collar and pulled me away as cherry blossoms and clods of dirt rained down around us.” pg. 281 Oh how romantic with the cherry blossoms falling around them :)

“You’ve got a devious mind, Peter,”

“Thank you, sir.” I said “I do my best.” pg. 283 Ha

“I wanted to watch her tuck her long legs under the dash.” pg. 285 Stop

“She stretched and arched her back, making her breasts strain alarmingly against her sweater.” pg. 288 I will get a spray bottle

“You really are the most extraordinary gullible young man,” she said. “What on earth are we going to do with you?” pg. 292 My thoughts exactly

“A most terrible Irishman”

“Had that Irish temper” pg. 293 Stop being prejudice about the Irish

“before I could stop her she kissed me.”

“What the fuck was that about?” pg. 296 Again my thoughts exactly

“She pulled my head down and kissed me on the cheek.” pg. 301 What is happening?

“I’d like to know what your intentions are with my sister.” pg. 301 Is Peter getting the shovel talk?

“Pikey is a word for Gypsies that a well brought up young policeman is not supposed to use.” pg. 302 I don’t think you’re supposed to use gypsy either and can the rivers stop being racist

“I’ve got nothing against the Old Man or his people but this is the twenty first century and this is my town I haven’t busted a gut for thirty years so some ‘gentleman of the road’ can move back and take what’s mine.” pg. 302 His people that’s a bit racist

“Technically he’s my master” I said “I swore a guild oath as his apprentice.” My tongue felt thick and dry as if I’d spent the night sleeping with my mouth open.” pg. 303 The wince I made when Peter said ‘master’

“A Ministry of Magic” pg. 303 Ha

“Why don’t you have a nice drink?” pg. 305 Don’t drink it

Tyburn is the worst :(

“People are conditioned by the media to think that black women are all shouting, and head shaking and girlfriending and “oh no you didn’t” and if they’re not sassy, then they’re adignified and downtrodden and soldering on and “I don’t understand why folks just can’t get along.” But if you see a black women go quiet the way Tyburn did, the bright eyes, the lips straight and the face still as a death mask, you have made an enemy for life, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred.” pg. 308 Run Peter run

“We were going to use vampires during the war?” I’d asked, and been surprised by the look of genuine hurt and anger on Nightingale’s face. “No,” he’d said sharply and then with more moderation, “Not us-the Germans.” pg. 311 So Nightingale definitely fought in WW2 and has seen some stuff

“It was his guide dog” pg. 313 Good dog

“In her words, ‘Why does this shit always fucking happened to me’ pg. 314 Ha and I can’t see Nightingale saying that even quoting someone else

“You’re volunteering to have your head beaten in?” pg. 316 It sounds like he’s volunteering himself for possession with the ‘sequestration’

“Like the manifestation of the social trend, crime and disorder, a sort of superyob. The spirit of riot and rebellion in the London mob.”

We all looked at her in amazement.” pg. 317 That is a good theory but I doubt it

“I might have even written an essay, but I’m damned if I remember any of the why.” pg. 326 Ha and I still can’t believe that Nightingale swears

“Nightingale smiled” pg. 327 Aw I just love that Nightingale smiles

“No man strikes his wife without provocation-was she a shrew?”

“A man can be driven to terrible acts by the tongue of a woman.” pg. 329 De Veil is the worst

“Seawoll’s people would provide containment in case things went pear shaped” pg. 331 Things are going to definitely go pear shaped I’m only 60% done

“shot Nightingale in the back.” pg. 332 Ahhh! :0

“Inspector Nightingale was alive” pg. 336 Good

“It’s beautiful” pg. 343 Aw :)

What’s Tyburn doing here?

“Your father’s a junkie, has been for thirty years.” pg. 351 Ouch rude Tyburn

“his heroin” pg. 352 Heroin?!

“So you understand why I don’t find Nightingale’s shabby gentility impressive in any way.” pg. 353 There’s no need to be so rude Tyburn

“Why aren’t you inside right now?” pg. 354 She probably can’t get in the the whole threshold magic

“What did he see in you?” pg. 354 Someone’s jealous

“Checking first to make sure that no one was likely to see me, I reached out and squeezed his hand.” pg. 356 Come on Peter just hold Nightingales hand

“you can’t just walk into a random pub and buy a handgun.” pg. 359 Good point this isn’t the U.S.

“Which meant that somebody had told Henry Pyke” pg. 360 We have a rat dun dun dun

“Leslie May was my suspect.” pg. 365 Oh no Leslie

How am I only 70% of the way though there’s still so much left

Who let Beverly drive?

“but it came out muffled on account of the fact that my jaw felt like it was dislocated.” pg. 378 Is Peter the possessed?

“the bastard had stolen Nightingale’s cane” pg. 382 No

“exaggerated poop deck” pg. 382 PETER THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S CALLED (sorry the theater kid came out of me) It’s either center stage, right or left stage, downstage or upstage. Trying not to unleash my theater history onto everyone

“I know you’re out there, you black Irish dog.” pg. 383 Stop being racist

“But he has the luck of the Irish and the gift of gab.” pg. 387 So racist

“God spare me from fools and amateurs,” pg. 388 Ha

“Seawoll must have walked up behind me while I was feeding clever.” pg. 393 Oh no, are they all possessed?

“safety harness to be worn by the handsome baritone” pg. 394 Bi Peter 4

“Why is it that good quality pay their taxes while foreigners pay naught and yet expect the liberties that are an Englishman’s hard-won prerogative.” pg. 395 Is this the play being racist or Henry being racist

“Nobody likes a riot except looters and journalists.” pg. 403 Oh no a riot

“but I was distracted by the sight of the helicopter hovering directly overhead.” pg. 404 Peter you’re always distracted

“He wouldn’t have been able to spell racial discrimination on his report, if there had been a report.” pg. 406 I really hope that’s just the magic talking and not the guys actual thoughts

Inspector Neblett to the rescue

“I was wrong about you Grant,” he said. “You do have the makings of a proper copper.”

“Thank you sir” pg. 408 Aw that’s nice

“A Molotov cocktail makes a very distinctive sound.” pg. 409 Oh no

“We kissed.” pg. 422 Ahhh :) Beverly and Peter kissed

“I saw my ranting drunk-he had the face of Mr. Punch.” pg. 429 Oh no

“Mr. Punch-the spirit of riot and rebellion” pg. 430 I can’t believe Leslie was right

“From September 1944 to March 1945, that lovable Nazi scamp Wernher Von Braun” pg. 431 What did I just read.

“Just to let you know that Thomas is conscious and asking for you.” pg. 440 He’s awake :)

“How old are you?”

“Old,” he whispered “Turn century” pg. 442 I knew it!

“Nightingale made a wheezing sound that alarmed me for a moment until I realized that it was laughter.” pg. 442 Glad that Nightingale can laugh in this situation

“Is it natural?”

He shook his head” pg. 442 Oh interesting so it’s not normal.

“He was a heavyset white man with a skinned head and a faded tattoo of SS lighting bolts on his neck.” pg. 448 He’s a skin head?! Get away from Peter

“Someone sniggered-probably Beverly” pg. 449 Ha

“My duty, my obligation-my decision.” pg. 449 Yes go Peter

“You want to fuck with me, Tyburn, you had better know who you’re messing with.” pg. 449 Ohhh

“Your father is a failed musician and your mother cleans offices for a living. You grew up in a council flat and you went to your local comprehensive and you failed your A-levels.” pg. 450 She didn’t go there >:( Someone shouldn’t throw stones at glass houses. The only reason your immigrant mother from Nigeria is a goddess is because she chose to commit suicide from failing her medical exam and her fiancé leaving her and by some struck of luck became a goddess instead of dying. Tyburn won’t have the opportunities and the power she has if not for her mother being an actual goddess.

“Toby slammed into my ankles as soon as I was across the threshold.” pg. 452 Aw :)

“Which meant-nothing” pg. 453 I’m sure it means something

“as she bit me hard.” pg. 455 Ahh

“After knocking my forehead a couple of times, I just opened the side door like a normal person.” pg. 457 Ha

“But no, not Nickolas Wallpenny, it was Henry Pyke. It was always Henry Pyke, right from the start.” pg. 460 It was him from the start!? :0

“You know;” he squeaked, “you’re not nearly as stupid as you look.” pg. 460 Rude

“Where’s Henry now?”

“He’s in your girlfriend’s head, having carnal knowledge of her brain.” pg. 461 Beverly?! No wait he’s talking about Leslie. Come on Mr. Punch keep up this the new relationship details you’re so far behind on the gossip

“I could no more have not chased him than I could have stopped breathing.” pg. 461 Cool

“I closed the last couple of meters on Mr. Punch and rugby-tackled the dead fucker to the ground.” pg. 463 Yes go Peter!

“Bastard,” he said. “Black Irish bastard dog.” pg. 463 So rude and racist >:( it’s not even that creative come up with better honestly

“Was there a god of Justice? And where would I find him-or maybe her.” pg. 464 Way to be inclusive Peter :)

“And suddenly I understood what Mama Thames had been trying to tell me.” pg. 465 See I knew it would come in handy

“It was the spirt of Old Man of the River as a young man.” pg. 466 So cool and he’s so old

“Molly was hunched over, her face turned away and hidden by her hair, vomiting blood onto her nice clean tiles.” pg. 467 Oh dear

“I looked into her eyes and saw that they were all back, no trace of white at all, and filled with hunger and despair.” pg. 468 Oh no

“Nightingale’s name made her pause, but only for a moment.” pg. 469 She still paused that’s something

“It was Toby” pg. 470 Go Toby!

“It was Leslie, waiting for me on the chaise lounge, holding Nightingale’s cane across her knees and staring into space.” pg. 471 Oh come on

“I blame it on the Italian, Piccini, a passionate race-they have to incorporate lust into all their endeavors, even their religious works.” pg. 473 Well that’s racist

“And then the mouthy git was gone, right on cue.” pg. 477 Good

“whom he piled with alcohol”

“he might have pressed his case a little too fervently”

“she was a willing partner, or at least not objecting too strenuously”

“At least right up to the point where she bit his dick off.” pg. 480 Good for her

“Beautiful, but she didn’t have slanty eyes.” pg. 481 More racism I’m so glad you got your dick bitten off

“I couldn’t help thinking that hanging out with me had almost killed her.” pg. 482 Poor Peter

“It had been less than six months” pg. 482 It hasn’t even been six months?!

“Nightingale was in the adjacent room, was awake and sitting up and doing the Telegraph crossword.” pg. 483 Yay Nightingale and he’s doing ok

“two people who definitely still believed in divine rights.” pg. 486 Ew divine rights

“It can’t be Tyburn.” I’d said. You don’t inflict Tyburn on anyone as a gesture of peace or goodwill.” pg. 487 Yep

“old-fashioned rectangular hay bays, of the type I happen to know are no longer common in British farming practices.” pg. 488 It’s not common? Over here it is at least where I live

“Don’t worry, it’s basically just like the country,” I said. “Only with more people.” pg. 491 Ha

Final thoughts

I enjoyed this book. I adore the characters, especially Peter, Nightingale, and Molly. I liked the Rivers. The book was very British. I enjoyed the magic and the mystery. I’m glad this book didn’t go into a love triangle with Peter, Leslie, and Beverly. Bi Peter is up to 4 (yes I’m turning this into a counter) I wasn’t a fan of how horny Peter. I wasn’t expecting all the racism.

Onto Moon over SoHo

#rivers of london #peter grant #peter grant is bi #starlinggail

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elsa-fogen · 5 days ago

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Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)

Story time!

Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.

I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"

So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.

But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.

So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.

And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.

That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO

I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.

But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.

Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.

I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

#reblog #adhd #adhd things #adhd story #text post #storytime with elsa

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bbybearcubbs · 7 months ago

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How does someone manage to piss off someone else before that other person is even aware they're awake???

I just became aware of the world around me for 30 seconds max and you've already managed to make me wish my heart stopped while I was asleep. Because why are you mad at me for you having to iron your own son's school pants??? You're mad you have to iron it even though you gave yourself that task??? You said yourself that you'd handle the ironing of clothes since everyone else had other things to get ready for in the morning.

"That phone you love so much? You go loose it. Because you really pissing me off." EXCUSE YOU?!?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANY-FUCKING-THING???

Idk if you haven't realized but when was the last time you could complain about the floors being dusty? When was the last time you could complain about the dishes being dirty? When was the last time you could complain about the stove being dirty (right after food was finished being made mind you) When was the last time you could complain about dirty clothes? Or the closest being a mess? Or not finding your shoes under the bed?

I'm stuck at home with the two youngest kids NOT EVEN BY CHOICE and I make it a point to try and keep the place and tidy and neat as possible for 24 hours EVERY DAY because YOU REFUSE to take me to go apply for jobs! I can't do that on my own because I don't have a fucking cent to my name and to get to town I need money because transport costs money!

Don't start ranting early in the mornings as if I haven't been doing shit the entire time I'm home! The only motherfucking thing I don't do is cook and it's only because #1 - I fucking can't and #2 - I'm scared I'll end up wasting ingredients if I tried cause we're broke as fuck, which is no ones fault but you and our moms, and I don't wanna waste anything.

You're recalling the ONE TIME I didn't do the dishes on time in the last month and 2 weeks and blaming it on a phone I didn't have until a week ago?!? You're upset because in the rush of constantly cleaning, dealing with screaming kids on behalf of my mother so she can rest after work and my own screaming mind that never shuts the fuck up, I didn't secure my brothers school pants? Okay yeah I could've hung it up but I didn't think of that, yk why? Cause I was thinking about the living room I needed to clean and the kitchen I needed to clean and the clothes I needed to wash

I forced myself into a sleep schedule so I can do things at a more convenient time for everyone else even though it fucking kills me to be doing anything during the damn day. I work better in the late hours but that's not convenient so I tried to fix the problem and you apparently don't see that. I was up doing chores at 1-2am because our pipe lines suck and we never get running water every day so I needed to refill everything in the house while I could. I also needed to wash as much clothes as possible before they water left. I went to bed at 3 in the fucking morning after having maintained a sleep schedule that has me knocked tf out by 12am.

I was a fucking MESS the next day but STILL managed to follow the fake routine I'd built up. Nothing I do is a routine. I have to actively make the decision to do all those things because adhd is a fucking bitch. And maybe I do rush some days to get back on my phone but that's because I have to play housewife as the oldest kid and haven't left my house beyond going to the shops in the neighborhood twice a week AT MOST. I'M LOOSING MY FUCKING MIND HERE YOU PRICK!!!

Why do I have to walk on eggshells in my own house around my own father because he's a narcissistic, selfish, dumbass??? I'm not supposed to make any mistakes at all??? Name five fucking things I did in the past month that you can consider a problem and I'll stfu.

#cubbs.vent #its fucking 7am and im heated as fuck #you even offered to do the dishes for my sister because she was tired and i couldn't becausr i was busy with my siblings #and you STILL LEFT SOME DISHES THERE #and you didn't “pass a broom” like you always say my sister and i should do #which we always do #my sister cant even do much cause she still has school

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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4/27/23

Okay so... I got to bed at around 2:30. And I struggled to get to sleep pretty bad. Like, tossing and turning and not able to actually fall asleep. I got there eventually, but was woken up by the sound of some really loud appliance, I still have no idea what it was or where it was coming from. This sound was at 5:50 AM. And I was supposed to be up for my apartment inspection at 9. I had an alarm set and everything.

I laid there for - no exaggeration - 2.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. No phone, no apps, just laying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to fall asleep. Doing breathing exercises, doing body relaxation techniques, visualization techniques, you name it. Everything I've learned over like 15 years of studying sleep hygiene techniques. And I just gave up and got up at like 8:30.

The guy showed up for the inspection at like 9:30, it was super quick, just an electrical inspection or something. He even gave me compliments about how clean my place was, which blew my mind. I started on a new abstract drawing, I'm gonna work on it more and I'll post it when it's done.

I went to take a nap around... fuck man, I don't even know. The whole day has been a huge blur, unfortunately. Temporally, at least. I put in the earbuds and put on some binaural beat thing for a 90 minute nap and... same problem. I "forgot" how to fall asleep. I've gotten this before, and it's like... it's a fucking torturous feeling. Being absolutely utterly exhausted... and not being able to fall asleep. And not knowing why, not knowing what you're doing wrong.

I napped successfully, though, and had some of the most intense dreams I've had in a long fuckin time. It was surreally like... norse-age, with these weird mutated people that were cutting off a water supply or something? I have no clue and that probably sounds ridiculous, but this dream was legit one of the most vivid I've had in ages. The colors, the sounds, the imagery; so memorable. I might try fucking with that binaural stuff to see if I can amplify how vivid my dreams get. You know... intentionally... like when I want it to happen.

I woke up at like... 2, I think? My car reservation was at 1, but was until 5. I made sure to book a big window just in case something like this happened, I just didn't expect it to be... like 4 hours of sleep total.

And I looked up like... more sleep techniques and the shit I was doing was literally what they train for people in the military who need to sleep while sitting up and shit. And it didn't fucking work. And it said on there, this might not work with people who have ADHD and/or anxiety issues. Welp, there ya go...

I showered and said fuck it and went. The walk to the car alone had my shins fuckin throbbing. I speed-walk a bit too much when I walk around the city, I'm just... 1). not used to urban environments and they still make me feel unsafe, and 2). not used to walking in shoes, tbh.

But that was remedied (and reminded, which is why I even noticed the speed-walking) by finally getting back into nature.

A quick stop at Walgreens first, to get the steroid cream the doctor prescribed me... a month ago... And they had to redo it, because of how long it took me to get there. XD So I sat there nodding off for like... 20 minutes...

But then I went to the park. And I got to hike barefoot again, and it was such an at-home feeling. I was out there until like 6. I think it was a total of about 3 miles of walking? I explored a bunch, they had some cool constructions like staircases and bridges and shit, very well-made stuff. There was even a beach right on the lake, it was very pretty and peaceful. I found some rocks that I brought home, I'm going to try to clean them up and see how they come out. There was a decent amount of sandstone there, which is actually pretty cool because it's super soft, so it's easy to carve. I'm going to see what working with it is like and then go from there, if I feel like trying to source more. It's cool how different the types of stone are around here.

For real, just being out in the woods alone, no music, no distractions, just me and nature, bare feet on the ground, wind on the skin, it was great. I missed it a lot. It's like... the polar opposite of how I feel when I'm in the city... XD

Driving wasn't as nerve-wracking as I thought. It was fine. Got the car back half an hour early, ordered a pizza. The car did cost a total of $50 for it being mine from 1-7... (I added 2 hours and I'm glad I did) which is like... ugh... But when you consider I never actually drive anywhere and compare that to buying a car, or paying lease payments? It ain't bad, especially when I don't even pay for gas.

So yeah, those earplugs I ordered were delivered this afternoon. Talk about fucking timing... -_- I'm gonna try them tonight. Like I said a few nights ago, I don't have to listen out for pets anymore, so... fuck it. Hope they work for me, I think if I can sleep with AirPods in, I should be able to sleep with earplugs in okay.

Definitely bed time. I can barely keep my eyes open.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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cowboylikeghost · 3 years ago

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Here are 73 fact about me that nobody ask for but i need validation

1- I love Reading, drawing and plants even if i always kill them

2- I'm a whore for Jane Austen

3- I love when people prove that a conspiracy theory is false

4- I have a weird passion for geology and paleontology

4- I probably have undiagnosed ADHD because of my mother

5- I'm bad at frienship, every of them have to be special

6- My love language is talking about my passion and learning everything about the person, people think it's weird, i have nobody

7- I'm hopeless romantic even if i act like i'm not

8- I hate being touch and i hate hug, they feel weird to me

9- I hate when someone is next to me and their arm or knee touch me, it's make me feel anxious

10- I'm an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety, i'm also an infp and a sagittarius

11- I'm bi and disgusted about the idea of having s*x with someone, i think i'm ace, nobody will ever love me like i do

12- Autumn is the best season and i basically live for rainy day, if it could rain forever i will be the happiest

13- I love academic validation but i suck at school, my only way to work is to pretend i'm Chilton Rory Gilmore

14- I read non stop for 6 month and after i go on a reading slump for the rest of the year

15- I don't have a stable personality

16- I write sad poetry

17- I'm sad and this is my main personality trait

18- My family said that i'm basically sadness from this Disney movie

19- I want to move in a cottage in England with a lot of mountains so i can found cool rocks

20- I have a no self control and a big problem with my emotions

21- I get angry very easily

22- I only have 3 friends and one of them is my sister

23- I have commitment issues

24- I broke up two times in two years with two different girls that lives at more than 8h from me

25- I hate what the french language became even if i can't write a sentence without any fault

26- English is my fav subject at school

27- I hate eyes contact, it's make me uncomfy and i feel like people judge me

28- I feel like i'm better than everyone

29- I feel like everyone hate me

30- I feel sorry for every teacher

31- I love being in my bed, scrolling on my phone or reading but i hate sleeping because i feel like i'm wasting my time

32- Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night because i feel like i forgot something for school, even if i'm in vacation

33- I hate people at school because i get bullied

34- People don't like me but i would kill to have someone like me in my life so i don't understand

35- I don't understand every jokes, i just know it's suppose to be funny so i laught, i just understand that

36- Taylor Swift is my only religion

37- I Iove more Harry styles songs than Harry styles himself, i found him arrogant and he always date problematic women, Stan Niall

38- I would do anything for Ben Barnes and Tom Hiddleston or any british men in their 40 who have a degree in literature

39- I relate to Spencer Reid in a way that nobody could ever understand

40- I love true crime, my favorite stories are about cult

41- My love for my cat is not healthy, if he died, i have to follow him

42- I alway stop watching Gilmore girls when Rory finish Chilton because i hear that she became annoying but she's one of my confort character so i don't want to see it

43- I prefer the marauders over the golden trio

44- I'm a Remus Lupin kinnie and a James Potter Simp

45- I hate Dumbledore with my whole heart i could talk about it for hours

46- I started all the young dudes, i like it but i cry at every chapter so i stoped

47- I hate my brother but if he died i would be destroyed

48- When i was little i have an obsession with panda and now i have panda everywhere in my room

49- I don't know if i want to live alone forever because i like the idea or because of any other reason

50- I alway need adults validation

51- When i was a kid i was sleeping with my socks on because i liked it but i learned that some people think it's weird so i stoped

52- I eat my cereal with no milk and i don't understand the debate, for me it always taste the same: disgusting

53- I hate touching food that isn't mine ( like when someone ask if you want to taste their meal, or if you have to clean something that someone else eat in, it's just make me want to threw up)

54- I have to sleep with no sound, if you breath a little to loud i will not be able to sleep, i'll be angry and probably hit you, one time my sister breathed too loud and i cryed

55- When i was a kid i hated turtle neck, it maked me feel like i was chocking but i learned how to support it even if it's still uncomfy

56- I hate when a shirt, a dress or a blouse show too mutch of my skin, i don't like it

57- I always wear a tank top with my t-shirt and if i don't i feel naked

58- My first panick attack was because i had a fight with my brother and my dad was yelling at me and didn't see it (i'm not mad at him)

59- When i was little i acted like i couldn't read because i was scared my mom will not read story to me anymore

60- I had my first phone at 13 but i wish i didn't

61- When i was 11 i started reading sm*t on my DS and it became an addiction, i wish everyday i forget what i read

62- I realise i was bi because of Millie Bobby Brown in Stranger things

63- I didn't realise my feminisme wasn't good until a 12yrs old insulted me in a comment section, i said thanks to her after

64- I love kids, i think they're cute and i'm jealous of their innocence so i act like i hate them

65- I want to raise a kid alone in the forest

66- I'm sure that my grandma in my dad side is a lesbian and that my mom is bisexual but have internalised homophobia

67- I hate when boomer joke about hating their husband/wife, just divorce

68- I still have my babies plush even if they're disgusting and look possessed

69- I sleep with my fairy lights on because three month ago i had a sleep paralysis

70- My parents are responsible of 80% of my insecurities and don't even know it

71- I love when it's get dark earlier in autumn/winter

72- I'm an Amy March simp

73- I just made a liste of 73 fact about me

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idk-my-aesthetic · 5 years ago

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Ask Game

Tagged by: @teetletottle !!! ty for the tag!!

Instructions: tag 10 followers you wanna get to know better :)

Name: Blue! or Pluto! i go by both :)

Gender: pangender nb? i thinks? gender is hard..... i go by any pronouns tho!

Star sign: capricorn? im born jan 10 2003. tho i’ve been told im not very capricorn like and that im probably like my moon sign but idk enough about astrology to tell....

Height: 5′ 5′’ i think?? i don’t pay too much attention to my hight... on a related note even though i’m average hight i have a very lorge build and can lift over 300 lbs,,,,,, my little sisters climb on me like i’m a jungle gym and i just have to be like ‘this is fine’

Sexuality: aro/ace spec pan!! which is almost counterintuitive?? it’s like,,,, i only sometimes feel attraction but when i do gender has no effect on it....

Hogwarts house: proud Hufflepuff!!! i got a hat + scarf for hannukah!

potato (my sister) wants y’all to know that she is also a Hufflepuff, and has a Hufflepuff button she loves, and that our little sister is a Gryffindor.

Favourite animal: oh g-d don’t make me choose!!!

i actually ADORE all animals so much!!! even gross ones!!! like bugs are so interesting?? and fish are so pretty!! and snakes are just babies!!! agh i really can’t choose even though those are all such broad groups.... literally you could mention just about any animal to me and i could give you some random facts about them!!! (pls do tbh come into my inbox i will give u facts)

though i know the most about cats so i guess they are my favorite??

Average hours of sleep: hmmmm. ok so i have like Bad adhd insomnia, but!! i’m trying real hard to take care of myself. so if i have school its about 6 hrs?? which isn’t enough but ehhh.... since we’ve been home i’ve been sleeping 8-10 hrs.

(which if you didn’t know teenagers are supposed to sleep 10-12 bc our brains are still rapidly develping!! pls sleep more if you get the chance y’all take care of urselves ily!! )

Current time: 12:25!

Dogs or cats: like i said before i love all animals, including dogs!! i adore puppies!! but i do prefer cats!! there just such babies and i hyperfix on them enough that i know alot about cat body language. anytime w/ go over someone’s house and they have a cat i befreind it. they’re usually very supprised....

i can’t have any pets rn, but when i’m an adult i want like 3 cats!!

Blankets you sleep with: ok call out time for me.... i sleep w/ like. a comforter, a fluffy blanket, and a weighted blanket. and So Many pillows i don’t actually know how many of them i have. alot of them tend to end up on the floor. most are like random old full soze ones noone else wants, but a bunch are like throw pillows that came w/ my bed spread like 6 years ago XD

i think it’s an adhd thing but i just like to.... nest ig?? is the best word?? i like pillows ok?? i don’t sleep on my bed like a normal person.

Dream trip: go back to italy probably! i have alot of family there, so we’ve been a few times to see them. which definatly helps cut down costs lmao, we don’t have to pay for like hotels or anyting and ig it’s an italin thing to fight over who pays for food??

Dream job: ok,,,, rn i really wanna get like,,,, super rich so that i can donate alot of money to charity and shit. we’ll see how that works out but im trying

anyway, if we lived in like an actual functional world, i’d probably wanna be a stay at home writer/ parent. and by probably i mean definitely,,,, i’m already kinda doing that and raising my sisters, and i want to adopt alot of kids, so being able to do that would make me really really happy

When I made my blog: middle school? it’s been a pretty long time actually, and i’ve stuck w/ the same one for the whole time i’ve been here so i don’t rememeber exactly

Followers: 172! hi y’all!! ily!!

Why I made a tumblr: i don’t rememeberrrrrr :( but i know why i stay here!! bc i have alot of lovly freinds and theres alot of lovly people here!!

Reason for my URL: when i first made my acct my username was actually idkkkkkkkkkkk10 (it’s suposed to have 10 ks hope thats the right amount lol) bc i.... literally didn’t know what to make my url. eventually i switched it bc obviously it’s sort of ridiculous, but i wanted to keep the idk theme! so, idk-my-aesthetic!

on a semi related note, my header is ‘i like hugs’ bc for a while when i wasen’t in a great place it was ‘i need a hug’ but i’ve been doing better for a while, and changing it to something more positive was very meaningful to me

People I’d love to get to know: if anyone I didn’t tag wants to do this consider this an @ from me!!

@manic-pixie-nightmare-enby @feydrian @maeofthedead @non-binarypal7 @trappedinamethaphor @huffiewalkingonsunshine

#ask game

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cynicaldesire · 4 years ago

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Since I’m having trouble writing, I’ll just make an update post. Maybe that’ll help me feel better, get some things off my chest.

Not much to get off my chest tho. My husband had a like 2week break and we sat around mostly playing Monster Hunter Rise for the duration.

Shortly before his break, though, I was having chest pain and a toothache. My teeth have looked pretty gnarly and my gums have been receding for a while but language barrier so we’ve been too scared to go to a dentist. But we have to now because I started have Chest Pain.

My husband’s father died from heart failure. So I kept expecting my chest pain to go away so I wouldn’t have to scare him with it. But after like day 4, when the pain hadn’t gone away, I finally broke down and told him about it. He had like 3 days of work, so we agreed that I would be super careful and we lost a lot of sleep, but I checked my heart rate using my phone and tried to take it easy until my husband’s break started. We headed to the big hospital like a block away from the clinic we usually go to just in case my chest pain was serious. We struggle our way through language barriers and I explain my symptoms to the doctor. It was mostly some burning pain at the time. Doctor has me get an ECG and some bloodwork. He tells me the ECG is normal so my actual heart muscle is fine, but the bloodwork says my liver is inflamed in response to something, but it’s not an infection, so he’s gonna prescribe me some NSAIDs and tells me to come back in a week. My husband says that I also have been having some tooth pain. The doctor freezes with a thinky face and says to get my teeth checked and to come back in a week. We ask if he has any suggestions on dentists. He says NOPE! and leaves. We head to checkout and while waiting for them to process my stuff, the doctor stops by checkout also and I’m like Hey. He nods and heads out. We spent a total of like... 4 hours there. Total. For the ECG, the bloodwork, etc.

Go home, take the meds, try to take care of my teeth, get Listerine. Sit around and try to take it easy for a week. We go back, the burning is gone and my teeth have overcome their problem. Doc asks if I’m okay now, I say yeah, seem to be, but now I have random pinchy pains. He says I should come back in a month. Husband and I can’t so the doctor is like Okay well, you’re fine, but if it gets bad again... Come back.

Due to my being broke, uninsured, and having a chronic illness, I do a lot of armchair doctoring on myself. There’s a limit to it, of course, but I try to research my own health issues or treatments after visiting a doctor. I found so much more information on PCOS on sites like fucking Reddit than by going to a doctor for years. So after the doctor told me I was okay, I looked up why I might have chest pain if it wasn’t related to a heart attack or something. And one of the options was a pulled muscle.

I thought back to the week before the chest pain started. Other than the toothache and swollen gums, I had been doing a bunch of exercise. I did a bunch of Ringfit and hip lifts and situps and stuff. And I was like Hm. Did I injure my chest muscle overdoing the Ringfit?

I, of course, informed the parents of all of this. My husband’s mother was informed and I was worried she would be deeply upset because she lost her husband to heart problems. But then both parents were like “You went to the doctor? You have medications? Well you seem to have it under control, so let’s bitch about my problems.” Meanwhile, I’m over here having trouble sleeping because I’m worried I won’t wake up. But okay. When my husband went back to work, I Skype’d with my mother and she seemed more irritated that I had interrupted her evening than happy to talk to me or worried about my Chest Pain. Also my dad has to get up at like 3am, so when I called her, she was worried her getting loud and animated as we do was going to wake him up.

(husband’s mental health doctor struggles and a story about library card nonsense under the cut)

Husband has also been seeking professional help because he believes he has ADHD. He’s been having a lot of problems, mostly mentally and emotionally, and he traced all the issues he’s having to ADHD. So he went to an English-speaking psychiatrist for medication. The shrink said he wanted to treat the anxiety before the ADHD in case anxiety is the only issue. My husband, due to his job, is very good at asking questions, so he asked the doctor how many people he prescribes this medication to. And he said 100% of his patients. Well, the medication didn’t seem to help, so on the followup appointment, the doctor said Oh, you’re just taking too much. My husband was like It’s supposed to reduce my anxiety, but instead it’s making my anxiety worse, it’s giving me mood swings, and generally making me very angry. And also sex is more difficult. Doc said I’m gonna reduce the dosage because I can’t treat your ADHD without getting rid of the anxiety. Husband came out of the appointment angry and defeated. But now he’s taking less (and it might be helping?)

Soooo yeah. I try to brush my teeth at least once a day (up from the like once every 20 years I did it before) and I use the No alcohol Listerine in place of brushing sometimes because you can. I skimmed an article about how to take good care of your teeth and it said to not actually rinse when you brush and mouthwash in place of brushing sometimes. I drink almost exclusively soda so I try not to drink any for at least 30minutes after brushing or mouthwash.

We hung out with the friends a couple weeks ago and they said we should start up a new DnD campaign because one of our friends has a roommate in his small apartment and can’t rejoin the old one. The roommate is a friend displaced by a breakup, but he seems to have a new apartment and the moveout date keeps moving. Our DM is getting tired of it and one of our other friends wants in because he’s lonely and DnD is great, so he said we should start up a new campaign so he can join. So we’re setting up for that, just in case.

In order to work on my writing, I’ve skimmed a lot of tips articles after watching a bunch of YouTube lectures and videos. I kinda hate reading and I feel like a huge fraud because if I want to write, I should like to read. But I don’t want to risk buying books I don’t like and having piles of books on my Kindle that just rot. And also, you know, I’m broke. Why spend money on something I won’t get any enjoyment out of? Just a waste at that point. Coulda bought some McDonald’s with that money. Or something. So I thought about the library. I don’t have an active library card, but I knew my Dad had one, so I asked to use his to check out ebooks. He obliged and I started getting books that everybody recommends, like The Name of the Wind and Tales of Earthsea and all this other stuff. I also got Mistborn: The Final Empire and some other Sanderson books, and the Witcher series. But not every book was available at my library. I found an app that let me look at other libraries’ catalogs and I found the missing books at the library where my husband’s family and friends are. I asked our friends if they had a card among them, and the one guy that works at the library has one but his card is always maxed out for checkouts. As an employee, he can check out like a max of 99 things. And it’s always maxed out. He offered me something I wasn’t comfortable with, so I declined. So I asked my husband to make a card. He declined. So I asked him to ask his mom to make one. She said she doesn’t live in the city, so she can’t. She sent us an email with my husband’s sister’s name for a library that I didn’t ask for and didn’t have the books I was looking for available. Because it uses a different service than the one I was looking at apparently so I could use that one but they didn’t send actual login information.

My husband, because of the way he communicates with his family, asked his mother for help with this library endeavor very cavalierly. He was just loosey-goosey with it. Something about it rubbed me the wrong way, but I figured they would handle it. His family intimidates me, has rarely made me feel welcome, and so I usually leave myself out of conversations with them. But after they just stopped worrying about the library thing, because I felt like I was right and all they had to do was make an effort, I took it upon myself to email his mom directly. Due to childhood trauma or other paranoia, I’m always worried about being misconstrued or misunderstood, so I end up being very verbose. See above. So I made a long email explaining why I wanted the library card, why I was asking for their help specifically, and included links to the places I saw you could make a library card and how they didn’t have to leave the house to verify it because of COVID. Then, to make sure it wasn’t demanding, that it was friendly, I added some stuff at the bottom about how I wished them well and I was proud of my sister-in-laws’s weight loss journey and how my chest was doing and blah blah. I sent this email right before bed. I assumed that his family would work together to figure it out and if they didn’t wanna deal with it, they would say they weren’t interested. The worst they can do is say no and I’ll have lost nothing except time.

Woke up to an email from his mother saying, in that malicious compliance/corporate politeness way, that she couldn’t make a library card because she didn’t live in the city and she’d be happy to make one for one of the cities that did work. Also, she hoped I was feeling better.

I had had a bad day prior. The day before, waking up had been near impossible, my husband ordered McDonald’s delivery for breakfast and I wasn’t hungry so we sat and watched an anime I didn’t want to watch while food sat getting cold in front of me. I ended up not being hungry for 8hrs. We were talking to the group about DnD, but also needed to shower, so while my husband got in the shower, I said some things to the group and then hopped in the shower. Upon telling my husband what I said, he had this look on his face like he was planning how to damage control what I had said, despite not even knowing what it was. My exhaustion had left me vulnerable, so I couldn’t deal with it and cried. He apologized and we talked about it. Bolstered by this conversation, I went on to boldly converse with other people, which is what allowed me to send that email to his mother in the first place. So upon her declaration that she couldn’t help me, I decided to help myself.

So I went through the process of making an account using my husband’s name for the library I wanted and it worked, I think. It’s not verified or maybe it’s not in the city, so I couldn’t check out an ebook. So I was back to square one. Not only back to square one, now I was doubly wrong. I had pursued this process in righteous indignation, after having directly contacted his mother, and been proven wrong. So now, not only was I dumb and wrong, I had put myself out there. I was wrong on stage.

My husband, wanting to help, went and acquired the one book I was using as my litmus for me. There are probably others I could look up, but at least I have that one and it’s sequel.

But yeah, that’s what’s going on with me.

#update #about me

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canyonmoonlily · 5 years ago

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| mixtape |

side 1, track 3:

Layla | Derek & The Dominoes

Miranda was drunk. Absolutely, out of her mind drunk. The bar around her seemed to move as if it was under water, and she begins wondering why she thought that many shots was a good idea.

“Ma’am?” an odd accent called her out her drunken daze and she’s faced with a rather good looking, oddly familiar man.

“Mhhphg?” she responds eloquently.

“Have you seen my mate Richard here anywhere? Richard Madden?” He asks. “I know you were filming the Jimmy Fallon Show with him tonight, with your band.” At this Miranda’s look of drunken confusion shifts.

“Yes! I saw him earlier with my friend, my bandmate Y/N,” she slurred at the pretty man with the funny accent. “Wait.” Her eyebrows pulled together. “Is your name Aaron by any chance?”

The pretty man laughs.

“No actually, but close.” He has a nice smile, Miranda thinks.

“T-Taron? Is that it? I know you from those strange movies with all the British men in suits.”

The pretty man laughs harder at this, leaning into her slightly as he does. She’s seated on a high chair in the “VIP” section of the bar, him leaning against the table only a few inches away from her wearing some coat that just looks so ridiculously soft.

“You have a nice laugh,” she sighs, unable to help herself.

“You have a gorgeous smile, love.” he beams at her compliment. She’s far too drunk to know what she’s saying but it doesn’t distract from how stunning she was. Taron can’t help but find he’s quite flattered with her openly flirting with him. “But I really need to find my mate, Richard. The last I talked to him he sounded a bit drunk, I don’t want him getting himself into any trouble.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s been like an hour...I dunno maybe not I don’t understand time right now..” Miranda trailed off drunkenly, head falling in her hands.

“Oh god Miranda, not again,” came the voice of a tall brunette appearing behind Taron. She cradles her face in her hands, Miranda just smiling up at her goofily.

“I assume you’re here looking for Richard?” The brunette chirped, looking at Taron. “I’m Victoria, Miranda and y/n’s bandmate and caretaker, it seems.” She grins shaking his hand.

“I’m Taron, Taron Egerton.” He smiles.

“Miranda!” Miranda happily cheers her own name causing Taron to grin and Victoria to groan.

“Oh God, okay um the last I saw was Richard leaving with Y/N about 45 minutes ago or so? You can follow me if you want to check in and make sure he made it somewhere safe,” Victoria smiles at Taron before attempting to lift Miranda’s limp and giggling form from her chair.

“I can get her if you want,” Taron offered. Victoria eyed him somewhat warily before shrugging, deciding he probably wasn’t a threat.

“Sure, that would be a huge help actually,” she sighed, grabbing her and Miranda’s purses before clearing a path to the outside. Taron reaches for Miranda and she launches to her feet, clinging to his side with a lazy smile, hiccuping the whole way to the door.

By the time they reach the apartment, Miranda is completely out, her tiny frame cradled in Taron’s arms. Taron doesn’t seem to mind.

He follows Victoria to her bedroom and lays her down, smiling at her peaceful slumber.

“Thank you so much for all your help with her, Taron,” Victoria smiles and then grimaces. “And again, I’m really sorry about her very loud rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody on the way back. I swear she’s not usually this obnoxious.” Taron just shakes his head and chuckles.

“Really don’t worry about it, even drunk she’s a right cutie,” his eyes move back to Miranda’s form.

“I could give you her number if you’d like?” Victoria trailed off with a hopeful smile. She loved playing matchmaker.

“Actually, yeah, I would love that,” Taron finds himself beaming at the prospect of seeing Miranda again—hopefully sober the next time.

After adding her contact into his phone Victoria and Taron creep over to Y/N’s room.

“So you three are 22 year old multi millionaires who choose to live together?” He whispered to her.

“Yeah, we’re like sisters. None of us like being away from each other for too long.” Victoria smiles inwardly at the thought. The bond between the three women was strong.

As they open a crack into y/n’s door, they do their best to be discreet and not chuckle or die at the sight before them.

Both Y/N and Richard are clearly very naked and very comfortable with one another under the thin white sheets of y/n’s bed. He’s asleep on her chest, his arms tightly wound around her little waist. Her hands are in his hair and both of them have hints of bliss on their faces. At least someone had a good night, Taron scoffs at the sight.

......

The next morning is an early one for our friend, Richard. He awakes to his phone ringing obnoxiously, hurrying to click his power before it wakes the sleeping form beneath him.

It’s 7 am. Christ. 4 missed calls.

Richard is alarmed to see his agent had been blowing up his phone before he remembered his GMA interview. Good god he was going to get it for this one. As quickly as he can, he unravels himself from the beauty beneath him, her naked form giving him flashbacks of the night before. As he slips his discarded clothing back on he feels a grin fighting it’s way onto his lips as he looks at y/n’s peaceful state.

He felt like he was already practically in love with her. Completely enamored by and taken with every little scrunch of her nose, the rise and the fall of her breathing. He almost can’t leave, the longer he looks at her the more his legs seem to grow imaginary roots that hold him hostage in her bedroom. He reconciles to leave her a note—on the wall calendar to the right of the bed.

“Had to go to do a GMA interview at 9:00 am. I would like to discuss with you some things about last night, my number is xxx xxx xxxx. Richard.”

He wanted to know if the night they’d spent together meant as much to her as it did to him. Maybe he was idealizing her and setting himself up for heartbreak but he was willing to take that risk—even if it only meant seeing her again.

eight months later

Y/N was completely zoned in. Her ADHD meds had kicked in and she was finally finishing up her packing for this god forsaken trip—her first vacation in what felt like decades.

It had been 8 months of songwriting, performing, and distracting herself from the little ache in her heart. Y/N had even taken up going to the gym. And working out. On purpose.

As she threw her last few things into the bag, hips swaying to the beat of John Lennon’s raspy vocals on Yer Blues, she found herself in one of those brief little moments where she almost enjoyed being sad. Yes, life was all peaches and cream for a woman as wealthy and successful as Y/N, but like every human, she liked to revel in her pain from time to time—even if she’s the cause of it. Moment’s like these disgusted her, so she usually crammed the feeling down.

Y/N had read Richard’s note the next morning with shaky legs and blurry vision. She knew what things he wanted to discuss.

The blood on the sheets. The stain of your lies.

He had to have figured it out. He had to have noticed she didn’t feel quite right. Y/N had really done it this time—she’d given her virginity to a man she hardly knew. And without telling him.

She had been so caught up in the blue of Richard’s eyes and his elderberry wine stained lips that she’d not thought of what she was doing before it was too late. She violated his trust by withholding that information and she was so embarrassed she swore she could never face him again. Could never call him. Could never think about him for longer than a few minutes unless she was joking around with the girls about how dumb she was for thinking it meant anything to him.

She tried very hard to find the humor in the situation but it never really worked. The laughter never really masked the sting of his name. She didn’t want Miranda or Victoria to worry about her so she nursed her wounds in private and stopped mentioning that night altogether after the 3rd month.

Now 8 months later, sometimes she could stand in her room without her mind immediately going back to that night. It had taken her a long time to rid herself of the lingering sexual frustration. She had to get rid of his note to keep herself from calling him desperately in the middle of the night.

“Hey Y/N, darling, you almost ready?” Came a pretty welsh accent from the hall. Taron popped his head into her door, a goofy and excited grin on his face.

“Yep, whenever you guys are!” She chirped back cheerfully. And for the first time in a long time, it was genuine. It wasn’t easy watching Miranda and Taron fall in love while she was trying to squash her feelings for a Richard. It was quite painful, honestly.

But y/n never said anything. Of course she didn’t. Y/N wouldn’t rain on Miranda’s parade just because of how she’d ruined whatever was between her and Richard by lying to him.

“You guys,” came a loud wailing noise from further up the hallway. “Will just found out he can’t come, he got asked to stay another week even though the show’s already opened.” Victoria looked distraught as she explained her fiance, a broadway choreographer, couldn’t join their beach trip.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry Vic,” Y/N smiled sympathetically and embraced her distraught bandmate. “At least now we have room for Taron to invite a friend.”

“Really? Y/N are you sure?” Taron tried to mask his excitement. “It is your birthday trip after all.”

Y/n smiled and waved him off with a warm assurance that she didn’t really care. She’d have all the company she’d need with Miranda, Vic, and the many of their other friends who would be meeting them there to celebrate.

—

“Hey! What are you up to this week, mate?” Taron chieoed excitedly over the phone. His grin growing mischievous when the voice on the other end responded with a “nothing.”

Taron couldn’t help himself. “How would you feel about a week trip to Cancun?”

“What am I supposed to do? Say no?” Richard chuckled on the other end, he really needed a vacation now that he thought about it. “I’ll hop on the next flight out. What’s the occasion?”

“Ah, just a birthday party. Nothing major, mate.”

Kind of short and crappy but I promise the next chapter will make up for it tenfold. So much planned. *chaotic laughter*

#smut #richard madden x y/n #richard madden au #richard madden #taron egerton #taron smut #i love taron #rocketman #elton john #eric clapton #layla #mixtape #rockstar au

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lizzy-frizzle · 5 years ago

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Im going to open up cause of this garbage. So uh, this will definitely be tagged but if you dont have my tag "bad thoughts" blocked, this might trigger depression or ptsd.

So, i vented about my parents several times. But I never mentioned what they said to me. My dad told me that I am just like my mother, and that all I do is manipulate people and take advantage of people. For the record, my mom has beaten me to a pulp, she emotionally abused me for 20 years, she got drunk one night and sexually assaulted me, she treated me like the plague, I existed only to be seen, I was not allowed to talk I was not allowed to be loud, I was supposed to keep the house clean and be a proper good boy. So, to accuse me of being like my mom is....extreme. She was highly manipulative, she has two sets of books for her business allowing her to get away with massive tax fraud, like $400k. Getting out of that house was hard, and draining. When I moved in with my dad she tried to take me to court, saying I still lived with her and I was only visiting my dad. I was working at summer camp at the time, and she had brainwashed my sister so well that my sister took it upon herself to hand deliver a packet to my camp for me. This packet was 30 pages long and detailed every instance that she deemed made me an awful son.

So fast forward to 3 months ago. My dad messages me something like "I miss these days" with a picture of me before I transitioned, and my step mom messages me "remember this?" With the video of when I got baptized also before my transition. Ive already stated very publicly that I dont want reminders of that period of my life, so this felt very attacking. I didnt respond because I was busy and adhd made me forget to respond. They message me a couple more times small shit like "hey how are you?" And I dont respond because Im a mom with a baby. I dont have the time to just drop everything and respond to their messages all the time. Well apparently that was the worst thing ever, cause then it turned into an assault, "you're so awful" "why are you ignoring us?" "This is exactly like you." "You're just like your mom" "you dont deserve to be happy" etc etc. Naturally this made me depressed and I didnt respond. I stopped going on facebook because it was relentless. My wife asked me not to tell her what they said cause it affects her a lot and she'd rather not deal with the stress.

They finally go silent for a month or two, but then I get a letter from my dad. Saying that transitioning changed me but he still loves me, and blah blah. The letter gives me anxiety and I have it tucked away on my desk.

Today: my glasses lens is nearly falling out, I cant get my appointment shit figured out, my step mom commented on a christmas photo some passive aggressive shit, and my wife and I get into a discussion about chores, and at some point she asks me, "are you taking advantage of me?" Because she had an abusive ex husband and she has really bad anxiety and ptsd and frequently needs reassurance. But from everything Ive been dealing with lately that was just the wrong thing to ask. So naturally I had a massive mental breakdown. And thats why I spent the last 2 hours sobbing in my bed.

#it feels better to have that typed out #bad thoughts #rape cw #abuse cw #child abuse cw #venting

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cobythinks · 6 years ago

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Bad Day

I wanted to write angst. So I done and wrote some Roman Angst. Don’t wanna clog your blog so most of it’s gonna be below the cut!

You can find all my other writing on my MASTERLIST

Summary: Human AU. Roman wakes up and knows it will be a bad day, so what’s the point in even trying? Well, his friends and boyfriend come to tell him.

Warnings: swearing, food mention, self-deprecation, depressing thoughts, mentions of medication. Nothing too explicit, though! And a happy ending! <3

Ships: Logince

Roman groaned, rubbing his eyes tiredly. What? He could have sworn his alarm went off hours ago… He groaned and rolled over, searching for his phone. It had managed to fell off the charger and under the nightstand. He flipped it over and squinted to turn it on. Then he groaned again when he saw what time it was. How had he slept in so late? And why was he too tired to care?

He sat up, rubbing his eyes again. His bed seemed so soft, and he was tired enough that he could just fall right back asleep and sleep for the rest of the day. But he couldn't do that, could he? He was already half an hour late for his first class, and he needed to eat, and get dressed, and shower, and… Roman flopped back down onto his pillow and sighed. Being awake sounded too hard.

He was just drifting off yet again when the phone - still on the floor - started to ring. Roman yelped, nearly falling off the bed in his attempt to pick it up. It was Patton, but just before he answered the phone stopped ringing. Roman scowled when his phone reported that, as usual, his crappily placed room had no signal.

“Fine…” Roman yawned, letting himself tumble onto the floor. “I’m up…” bless Patton’s heart. He had the same class as Roman did today, must have gotten worried. He’d be calling back.

In the meantime, Roman dragged himself to his feet. He might as well get dressed, so he can tell Patton he was at least planning to do something today. Roman peered tiredly into his mirror, then ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t need a shower, it wasn’t that dirty. He yawned again and pulled on the first T-shirt in his drawer, then a pair of jeans from the floor. He nearly forgot to take of his pajama bottoms first, and sighed in annoyance when he realized.

It's not like this is the first time Roman’s had a day like this. It’s been a while, but he knows how it usually ends. He probably won’t go to any classes today - he won’t be able to focus anyway even with his medication. Roman scowled, then rubbed his eyes again. Oh yeah, he should take that. If he took it too late in the day he’d be up all night, and he didn’t need that after a sleep like that.

Though… Roman stared grumpily toward the clock on his wall. Maybe he shouldn’t, today. It was already later than he usually took it, and he wouldn’t need to focus if he didn’t go anywhere. That, and he’d run out of the prescription one day later than he’d been planning, so he’d be sure to get a new one before he did. And it’d be nice to have a day where he didn’t get nauseous from any strong smell...

Roman yawned and ran a hand through his hair, not bothering to comb it flat again. It was settled, then, he’d just have a lazy, medication-free day. He could watch TV or read, or work on a project he’d been planning. Roman smiled, still exhausted, and grabbed his phone before shuffling out to the kitchen.

Patton still hadn’t called back, Roman noticed suddenly. He looked down at the phone in his hand, which now in the kitchen showed a few bars of service. He’d probably call soon. Roman should get something to eat.

Despite the numerous breakfast food choices in Roman’s small kitchen, he only grabbed a container of leftover pasta and pulled off the lid to microwave it. Lazy day meant he didn’t have to cook, right? Besides, this was Patton’s ‘famous’ alfredo. The best alfredo Roman had ever had.

Roman lazily watched the microwave rotate, then frowned at the phone on the counter in front of him. Patton usually called back immediately, right? Especially if he was the one to call. He would always call at least twice.

Or, maybe he’d just given up.

The thought made Roman surprisingly depressed as he pulled the pasta out of the microwave. He sighed sadly and grabbed a fork, but left the phone in the kitchen as he trudged to the couch. Once there, he buried himself in blankets and turned on a Disney movie before starting to eat.

God, he really was pathetic wasn’t he? Roman stared unhappily down at his pasta. He woke up late and had to skip an entire day. Should he just drop out of highschool? Maybe. It’d be simpler to just get a full time job and suffer without his degree.

Roman shook his head and stuffed a bite of alfredo pasta into his mouth. He wasn’t supposed to think like that. They were supposed to have had this figured out in high school. ADHD gave him some depression symptoms, which was why he had his medication. Tomorrow, or maybe later today, he’d know that was ridiculous. He sighed again, feeling the deep melancholy sink into his chest.

Unless he was right, and all of this was for nothing.

“I’m going to his apartment after class,” Patton said to Virgil. Thank goodness they were just working on a project and could talk. “He didn’t answer twice, so I’m just gonna check on him myself.”

“What about your Science class?”

“I have an A,” Patton shrugged unhappily. “And… I haven’t missed any yet, which I was happy about. But Roman’s more important.”

“I’ll come with,” Virgil decided. “I don’t have another class until after lunch anyway.” Patton smiled, nodding.

“Okey dokey! I’m sure he’s okay, probably just sick or something. You know Roman doesn’t go out unless he thinks he’s 100%.”

“Unless he thinks he looks 100%.” Virgil corrected with a smirk. “He’ll come to class with walking pneumonia if he still looks like a disney prince.” Patton giggled.

“Yeah, maybe he’s just having a bad hair day.” he agreed, feeling better. “We’ll just pop in on him quickly and maybe I’ll still make it to science on time.” Virgil nodded and they both turned back to the project, Patton feeling much happier about his friend.

Half an hour later, the two were standing in front of Roman’s door.

“Hey, Roman?” Patton knocked. “You in there, buddy?” No answer. Virgil scowled and pressed his ear against the door.

“Disney.” he reported, then pounded harder on the door. “Roman!” Still no answer.

Worry slammed back into Patton’s mind and he started digging through his backpack, finally locating an extra key. He pulled it out and Virgil frowned.

“Is that a key to his apartment?”

“He gave it to me months ago,” Patton shrugged as he wiped it off. “He said ‘just in case’ but I have no idea what that meant.”

“Hm.” Virgil stepped back as Patton unlocked the door and opened it, stepping inside. What he saw was surprising, not to mention worrying.

“Roman?”

Their friend sat in a pile of blankets next to the couch, positioned like he’d fallen off the couch at some point. He stared at the ceiling, not seeming to notice they were there. Patton glanced at Virgil, who was scowling harder than ever.

“Roman, you okay?”

“Hm?” Roman turned his head to look at them. “Oh… hey guys…”

“What the hell?” Virgil pushed past Patton and reached to grab Roman’s arm. Roman sighed, letting himself be pulled into a sitting position. “Dude, what happened?”

“I-I’m just… uh, having a lazy day,” Roman mumbled. “Y’know…”

Patton looked around, spotting an empty container and fork on the couch. Virgil grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, Roman didn’t say anything, just leaned back and rested his head on the couch, looking up at the ceiling again.

“Roman, are you okay?” Patton sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Roman shrugged.

“I’m calling Logan.” Virgil decided, pulling out his phone. Roman protested slightly at the sound of his boyfriends name, but gave up almost immediately. Virgil walked to the kitchen with the phone, and Patton turned to look at Roman.

“Seriously, Ro, what’s going on?”

“I…” Roman’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. “I don’t know.”

Logan pulled out his phone, surprised to see Virgil’s number. He answered immediately, looking around the near-empty bus.

“Virgil? Don’t you have a class now?”

“Ended fifteen minutes ago,” Virgil said quickly. “But listen, I’m calling about Roman.”

“Roman?” Logan smiled fondly. “What about him?”

“I don’t know. He’s acting really weird and lethargic, almost sad, and-”

“Lethargic?” Logan stood up as he approached the stop. Oh no. Of course, the day he was coming to surprise his boyfriend with a visit he was having one of those days. He hadn’t had one for at least a month and a half now.

“Yeah, do you know anything about this?”

“Has he taken his medication?” Logan asked worriedly, pulling his bag up over his shoulder.

“What medication?” Virgil asked. Logan sighed, shaking his head. Of course, his prideful boyfriend hadn’t told them. Even though Logan lived two hours away, he still kept it a secret from his best friends.

“I’m coming.” Logan finally said.

“Wh- you’re two hours away, and-”

“I’m entering his building.” Logan chuckled sadly. “I had a few days off of school and wanted to surprise Roman. I’ll be there in like, sixty seconds. Is he okay?”

“Uh-” Logan heard a few background sounds from the phone. “Shit. He’s kinda… crying. Thank god for Patton, I’m so awkward, I-”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” Logan hung up and sprinted up the stairs, skipping the elevator. He didn’t have time for the elevator. God, Roman better have taken his medication.

The door was still part way open when Logan burst through, eyes skimming around. Patton was holding a sobbing Roman in his arms, surrounded by all of Roman’s blankets and an empty tupperware container. Virgil was standing awkwardly by the kitchen doorway, and seemed incredibly relieved to see Logan enter.

“Roman.” Logan knelt next to his boyfriend and gently touched his shoulder.

“Lo-” Roman didn’t finish speaking before he turned to hug Logan tightly, trying to stop crying. “H-how… why?”

“I was going to surprise you.” Logan said gently, hugging his boyfriend tightly. “Roman, what’s going on?” Roman shrugged, burying his face in Logan’s chest. Logan sighed. He was going to have to be… less than gentle. Just for a moment. “Get up.” he sighed, pulling them both to their feet. Roman stumbled, but stepped back and rubbed his eyes.

“I… I didn’t know you were coming, I…” Roman looked sadly around the room. “Um…”

“Where’s your medication?” Logan asked, raising an eyebrow. “Did you take it?”

“Well…” Roman smiled sheepishly, but Logan could see it was faked.

“Roman…” Logan rubbed his eyes. “You have to take your medication!”

“Well it’s too late now,” Roman flopped onto the couch and sighed. Logan frowned.

“Good to see you Logan!” Patton forced himself to sound cheerful.

“Er-” Logan glanced up. Virgil seemed anxious to have something to do. “Virgil, do you think you could bring all these blankets to the bedroom?”

“Yeah.” Virgil hurried to gather the blankets, Logan sat down and pulled Roman into a hug. Roman immediately responded, cuddling into him.

“Patton, if you’d go to the bathroom and find Roman’s medication in the cabinet, and bring us a glass of water?”

“Sure thing!” Patton was gone in a heartbeat, leaving Logan and Roman alone in the living room. Logan sighed, running his fingers through Roman’s hair. He wasn’t much for physical touch, but Roman was. And he’d obviously had a bad day.

“M sorry.” Roman mumbled into Logan’s shoulder.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Logan stated. “You know this is something you’ve always struggled with.”

“M stupid.” Roman said. Logan frowned, pushing him back to look him in the eye. Roman bit his lip, tears in his eyes again.

“You are not stupid,” Logan said irritably. Roman frowned. “You’ve done stupid things, but that doesn’t make you stupid. But you know you need to take your medication.”

“I felt like crap when I woke up…” Roman mumbled. “Might as well save it for tomorrow…”

“No, you know that’s not right.” Logan sighed. “Nevermind. You’ll take it now, and then it’ll be fine.”

“But-”

“It’s okay that you’ll stay up late tonight because we’re going to a movie.” Logan decided, wiping tears off of his face. Patton walked in with the bottle of medication and a glass of water. Roman sighed and accepted it, downing the tablet with a swig of water.

“Sorry, Patt,” he sighed and looked at the clock. “You’re missing your class, and-”

“It’s alright!” Patton promised.

“But-”

“Shut it, Princey,” Virgil came in and leaned on the back of the couch. “You could’ve just told us you were having a bad day.”

“And now we know,” Patton said softly. “So it’ll be all good.”

“Thanks.” Roman sighed and leaned back onto Logan’s shoulder. Logan wrapped a protective arm around him and smiled gently, combing his fingers through his hair.

Logan glanced toward the door, where he’d dropped his backpack after entering. There was a more important surprise than just visiting, but he figured that could wait until after the movie. Or perhaps tomorrow. Either way, he wouldn’t have to leave his boyfriend for long after this visit.

He just hoped Roman liked the ring.

I told you there was a happy ending ;)

Thank you for reading!! <3

-Coby

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lilbit-of-kizzy · 4 years ago

Text

This is the one executive dysfunction thing I'm actually good at so see if what I do helps you!

So I do intermittent fasting (2 meals a day instead of 3....I mean I was forcing myself to eat 3 soooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hell I've lost 20 lbs in 3 years so I'm happy with it...annnnyways) which means I eat one meal with my family and then my little 3rd shift meal a couple hours before bed. Yeah if I'm distracted it's gonna be late but I try to eat it anyways so I don't wake up so hungry I can't stand.

I've found several things that I don't have to actually make but are super good/filling (though maybe not super healthy) such as:

Mrs T's Pierogis: holy shit these things are good, they're uncooked and frozen and you're technically supposed to fry them in oil (god no) or oven bake them (takes so long????) But I just pop them in the air fryer (adhd/any few spoon people out there please buy one) for 8 mins flip them half way through and boom. Hot, potato-y, garlic/cheesy, filling, comfort food. They come in like 3 or 4 different flavors and really don't taste fake or anything. Super easy

Eggos: yep I just slather them in butter (usually just keep the wrapping on the stick of butter and rub it on) and go, BUT I have also discovered that vanilla yogurt on top tastes really good

Totinos: they now make assortment bags which are the bomb but like...carbs and protein + 2 (?) minutes in the microwave ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Uncrustables have these new bbq chicken things??? I've only found them once but they're good???? Like stupidly good for frozen precooked microwave things?????? If you gave me it and said "yeah that's microwaved" I would never believe you

Yogurt and cereal: don't at me it's freakin delicious

Microwaved pasta or rice: I bought a microwave pasta thing...does it work? Not really but I like my pasta al dente anyways, and really kinda hate the instant mac and cheese kraft makes. This one borders into "not worth it" territory though cause it can be a hassle to clean when the water boils over. But I love making minute rice in the microwave. Just add the rice/water and whatever else you want and set it for the time on the box (again stir halfway through)

Bacon: they make microwavable bacon y'all (black label is sooooo good but we've only ever found it at sam's/costco)

Then I have some things I'll actually cook that are also super easy to make such as:

Pasta: butter is my preferred type but cooking pasta has never been a big deal for me. I'll usually melt my butter, add some garlic stuff I got from the Renaissance Fair years ago, and some already microwaved bacon, then add my pasta and some salt *chef's kiss* But you can also just...add butter on top of pasta and melt and it's just as good. There's also mac and cheese but like...that makes way too much.

I also like to make teriyaki noodles, just spaghetti noodles plus soy, teriyaki, and molasses (in ascending quantities so less soy, more teriyaki, even more molasses but it's up to your tastes) stir, let simmer, repeat till noodles are brown.

And if I'm really in a "let's make something!" mood I'll make some chicken fried rice: 1 cup chicken broth (actually usually a cube....all hail the great chicken cube) till boiling, add 1 cup rice and immediately take off the heat and cover for 5 mins. Get one of those measuring cups that have the measurements all the way up and add 1tbs of soy, 1.5tbs of teriyaki, and 2tbs of molasses. Rice should be done so add like 1tbs of butter and the sauce mix, stir well then flatten out the rice and let it simmer (simmer not boil) for...idk like 30 secs and fold/stir, repeat until it's not saucey anymore and viola! Rice! You can add meat or whatever, just cook that during those 5 minutes and add it with the sauce. I usually just throw a handful of cashews in on my last stir!! (They can burn easy lol)

The cube and the handful of cashews help so much because I don't have to worry about chicken broth going bad, because "oh god how long has that been in there... actually not long....but what if it's bad....but I can't open a new one till I use that....god guess I'm just not making rice till that's growing something in it" is a problem and so is remembering to thaw meat.

Tl;dr: find something you like, that has some amount of protein to it. Now find a super easy way to enjoy it that tastes good, and find ways that work to loophole your ED. Whether that's making it fun (like my rice and my garlic stuff) or making it so easy you can zone out for minutes at a time and still end up with food.

welcome to Mealtimes With Executive Dysfunction, please have a look at our menu:

leftovers from the last time you had a Real Actual Meal (you lucky bastard)

leftovers from the last time you had a Real Actual Meal (you lucky bastard), except they aren’t actually there anymore because you ate them for lunch

staring into the fridge and whining

plain rice

tuna straight from the can

tuna ON TOP OF PLAIN RICE WHAAAAAAT *air horn noises*

something that’s probably gone bad a little but you don’t have the energy to care

something you actually like but you’re too tired to cook it properly

something you hate but it’s still slightly better than all the other options

canned soup

cheese???????

peanut??? butter?????????????

guilt about eating canned soup for the 6th time this week

oh thank god i have vegetables in the freezer

the fresh vegetables you accidentally left to rot because preparing them was too much effort

the easiest & least appetizing of 5 ways you know how to cook eggs

12 different snack foods over a period of 5 hours

#muscle memory food #it'sssss great

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nananaptime · 7 years ago

Text

ADHD S/O

A request from my dear best friend <3

Masterlist Rules

Taeil

Your time management sucked, you knew that and you really tried working on it. Especially when you had scheduled a date with your adorable boyfriend around lunch the day after. You set multiple alarms to make sure you would not be late and actually have the time you needed to get ready in the morning. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, you were still too slow and were running late. Checking the time you realised you were supposed to have left twenty minutes ago and you still weren’t completely dressed and barely awake. You groaned as you picked up your phone to give Taeil a heads up regarding your poor awareness of time. Before you were able to hit send, however, you heard the door open and in stepped the one person you were supposed to meet in ten minutes time. He spotted you by your room and smiled his adorable smile, raising his hands in which he held two bags of what seemed to be food. He explained that he didn’t mind having the date at home and eat there and then go out later because he wanted to spend as much time as possible with you. He then proceeded to give you a small, shy kiss before sneaking away into the kitchen, leaving both of you a flustered mess.

“As long as I am with you, time and place don’t matter.”

Source

Johnny

You and Johnny were sitting on the couch, cuddling, in front of the TV. The show that was on was playing in the background of your affectionate conversation. You weren’t really talking about anything in particular, just about life in general with kisses and cuddly hugs in between sentences that got lost in muffled affection. Lazy smiles were covering both your faces when suddenly, Johnny asked you how your holiday crafting was going. Your eyes widened slightly and you hid your face in his chest. You had never been good at following through with stuff, you get distracted and your interests switch to other activities rather often. Johnny instantly realised what was going on and a fond chuckle left his lips. He questioned your commitment capabilities playfully all the while cuddling with you so much you ended up lying on the couch, limbs tangled with each other. He started placing small pecks on your neck resulting in you starting to laugh uncontrollably. He then looked up at you with a tender smile and called you various adorable pet names which you adored. All the while teasing you and your loving perks, never making the night boring

“As long as you follow through with me, I’m happy.”

Source

Taeyong

Cleaning has never been your strongest suit, especially considering your circumstances, but you always tried, whether it actually turned out good is a different question. You had been going at it for ages today but you didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, getting distracted by every other thing you find and often forgetting about the task at hand. Taeyong was working as was supposed to be in a couple of hours which you had assumed would give you enough time to make your apartment slightly more presentable for his return. What you didn’t expect was your loveable boyfriend to arrive home earlier than expected and catching you red-handed with one of his long lost ties that you had found under the couch. For a couple of seconds, you were just staring at each other, both frozen in place at the shocking scene ahead of the both of you. Finally, Taeyong started laughing, causing your own giggles to escape from your lips. He kicked off his shoes and approached you, appreciatively glancing around the living room where you had spent most of your time. He embraced you in a hug and fondly thanked you for your hard work, he knew you were struggling with stuff like this and he appreciated every single drop of effort you put in. with a kiss to your lips, he offered to eat and then continue together with what you had started, making it a couple activity rather than a chore.

“If we do it together I get the opportunity to steal some kisses as well.”

Source

Yuta

It was a very nice day outside and you and Yuta had taken the opportunity to have a nice stroll in the warm weather. You made sure to have a small grip on Yuta’s arm at all times as your ADHD caused you to have a lot of clumsy moments and poor balance so to avoid unnecessary accidents you treated Yuta like a human supporting pole. He found in incredibly endearing and we all know that Yuta lives for that kind of stuff. He loved feeling that he could provide protection whenever you needed it, it made him feel manly. As you walked along the sidewalk by the beach he was admiring the way you looked with the beautiful scenery behind you and realised very quickly that you were more beautiful than any scenery anyone could ever think of. That’s when you startled him with your stumble, almost dragging him down in the process, but Yuta quickly caught you midair and instantly started laughing at your embarrassed face. Pulling you up close to him he expressed his fondness of your cute quirks which caused you to blush even more and with another laugh he turned around and offered you a piggyback ride which you didn’t refuse. The rest of your walk was filled with teasing and him just admiring you once you fell asleep on his back.

“Your knight in shining armour will always protect you from the evil force being gravity.”

Source

Doyoung

The voice of your boyfriend Doyoung was what pulled you out of your daydreaming. He had entered your room with a tray of food for you so that you could stay energetic for your studying. However, the studying was turning out to be tougher than expected. You knew that studying always had been a challenge because of your inability to concentrate but when the subject was one you barely understood it turned from a challenge to a mission impossible scenario. Doyoung noticed your hardships and was more than ready to help, sitting down beside you and going over your school work. You were starting to feel incredibly stupid and was close to a breakdown when Doyoung cradled your face in his hands, making you look him in the hands. He calmed you down with calm, kind words and promised to help you as best as he could. Finally, you were somewhat ready to work again and with Doyoung’s help, you got through most of it. He was an amazing teacher and he rewarded you with kisses every time you got something correct which acted like a pretty good motivation. After hours of trying to learn, you ended up on the bed in each other’s arms, deeply asleep.

“You’re not stupid, I love you and we’ll do this together.”

Source

Jaehyun

Today’s date was somewhat different from what you and Jaehyun usually do; you were having a cooking date and you were standing beside him, completely confused. He was throwing in ingredients and herbs left and right and you had no idea what he was doing. The activity basically consisted of him doing most of the cooking and you handing him the stuff he needed, well, that is until his phone called and he asked you to keep an eye on the food while he answered. It made you nervous because you didn’t want to mess up all his hard work. However, it didn’t take long before your mind drifted off to other objects in the room, such as the magnets on the refrigerator, some of which had come from some of your overseas trips in the past. You didn’t even notice when Jaehyun rushed into the kitchen to save the now burnt food from its inevitable destruction. It was when he started laughing that you noticed his presence. Turning around at the sound, your eyes widened once you realised the food was destroyed. You instantly felt guilty and started rambling out apologies while Jaehyun tried to stop laughing at your misfortune. He then pulled you into a warm hug and told you it was okay, you just had to find something else to eat, which in all honesty wasn’t that hard and with a boyfriend like Jaehyun you never had to worry about him being annoyed with you.

“We’ll just order some pizza and have a pizza night in front of the TV.”

Source

Sicheng

As you chose the movie for yours and Sicheng’s weekly movie night, he entered with a big bowl of popcorn and one big coke. He sat down next to you and instantly disregarded the snacks as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you down on the couch in front of him, spooning you from behind. He then turned on the movie you had chosen before settling down behind you, one arm was thrown over your midsection and the other under your resting head. You weren’t far into the movie when you started fidgeting a lot, moving around to find a comfortable position every other second and throwing your leg over his over and over again. Often a small giggle was heard from Sicheng whenever you started readjusting yourself again and he loosened his hold on you to let you do so. In the end, you ended up facing him, completely ignoring the movie playing in the background. He playfully pecked your nose, causing you to scrunch up your face cutely and then return it, getting the same reaction from him. He then decided to turn the movie off and just lay there and cuddle with you, enjoying your company.

“Your cute fidgeting is so distracting, why are you trying to kill me with feels?”

Source

Mark

Mark walked into your house to be greeted by a very energetic significant other. You were bouncing off the walls as you rambled on and on about something amazing that happened during your day. He may have been a bit tired before entering but that was long gone as he found himself absorbing the energy you were emitting. Once you saw him you attacked him with hugs and affection and forced him to sit down with you and accept your love. You then started talking excessively about your day while Mark sat beside you, trying not to coo and giggle at your cute behaviour. All of a sudden, however, your voice kind of tuned out and got lower and lower until it was a whisper and then you just stopped talking. Mark looked at you with worried eyes, trying to think of anything you said that could have made you go from 100 to 0 this fast. When he appeared unsuccessful he simply wrapped his arms around you and let you feel through your emotions before feeling stable again. He whispered sweet nothings in your ear to help you on the way, to make you feel loved and to let you know that you’re not alone. In the end, you were settled on a middle level where you decided to go out and get some fresh air and just enjoy each other in everything you both are.

“I’ll always be here, for the 100 and the 0 and for everything in between.”

Source

Donghyuk

You and Donghyuck were supposed to be spending the day together at this nice little ice cream parlour. He ordered for you as he already knew what you wanted while you went and sat down by a table, you chose one by the windows and was very happy with the view you would get if you looked outside. It didn’t take long until Donghyuk arrived with the cold, delicious dessert and you instantly dived into yours. Donghyuk chuckled at your eagerness and started eating his own as well. While indulging in the sweetness you gazed out the window, admiring the nice scenery outside the parlour, the birds, the lake and the people were some of many things that caused you to blank out and start daydreaming. It wasn’t until Donghyuk’s hand waved in front of your face that you realised he had been trying to get your attention and that you almost had chewed your plastic spoon to a crumble. Donghyuk laughed as you jumped and started teasing you about your daydreaming, causing a blush to rise on your cheeks. He playfully asked if there was something else out there more interesting than which you profusely denied and told him he was the only one worth your attention. This seemed to satisfy him as he just smirked at you and continued eating his ice cream, letting the matter go, for now.

“I thought you were here with me, not the trees.”

*Ignore the subs*

Source

#nct #nct 127 #nct reactions #kpop #kpop reactions #reactions #nctzen #music #love #kpopexplosion

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writerofblocks · 7 years ago

Text

It’s a Process

[Note: This is an original work I submitted as part of a creative writing class. it’s kind of long, so I put it under a cut. I hope you enjoy.]

Two thousand words. How is anyone supposed to write a story that long? I mean, I know it’s technically possible; this definitely isn’t the first time this teacher has given out this assignment to a class, and it certainly won’t be the last. Page count wise, that’s like… ten, isn’t? That’s not much. Or at least it shouldn’t seem like as much as it does. The last story I wrote was 500 words- if you can even call something of that length a story- and it still felt like a stretch at the time.

At least it’s only a first draft. First drafts are allowed to be flaming garbage piles. And given that it’s due tonight and I only remembered its existence about thirty minutes ago, it’s a safe bet that this draft’s more likely to be a flaming garbage pile than not. Resisting the temptation to throw it all out and make it perfect is going to be a challenge. It’d feel better to wipe the slate clean than try to fix something that’s broken and worthless.

Wait. Stop. Thinking like that isn’t going to help.

What am I supposed to write about, anyway? The teacher said we could write about anything (within reason), but where am I supposed to go with that? Not sci-fi, I know that much. The amount of words I’d need for world-building would take up all the space given. I could write an elaborate fanfiction and disguise it by changing the names, but that just seems tacky. Besides, I already did it once this semester. Never again.

…Too hungry to think further. I need food.

The cafeteria’s a bearable enough place. At least there are a few staples I can get by on if the daily rotation of meals doesn’t work out in my favor. Though pizza every day has gotten pretty boring after a while. Maybe it’s the depression talking, but everything just tastes bland when it comes out of a buffet trough. Hot sauce would be a good way to go to fix that, if anything spicier than pico de gallo didn’t disagree with me. I still don’t know how people can willingly subject themselves to oral torture via condiments, let alone get into contests over who can eat the spiciest pepper in existence. What was it my friend said? Something about how some people are nontasters and need stronger spices to actually feel something and some people are supertasters where everything is intense. Dang, I need to look that up sometime. I wonder if the ratio of supertasters to nontasters or vice versa is linked to specific regions of the world? Would explain why some cultures enjoy spicier food while some can’t stand anything stronger than salt.

There are burritos today. A small blessing.

Write your story. Stop watching that video on your phone, pull out your notebook, and write your story. You’ll feel much better with it done, but you need to actually write the story. You’ve already watched this video ten times already, you know it by heart, why are you watching it over and over again when you have other things you’ve been meaning to get to? Put it away on the count of three. One, two, three. I said, one, two, three four five- damnit.

“We now bring to you on the Inner Brain Radio “Mambo. No 5”, but only the first measure. This will be on repeat for the next three hours.”

Excellent. Hey, can I request something different? Like, maybe some silence, or some thoughts on how I’m actually going to finish this freaking story?

“Sorry, we don’t take requests.”

That’s what I figured.

Damn, this burrito is hot. Why are all the burritos from the cafeteria burning hot? The rice is always overcooked, too. Tasteless. Feels like chewing on actual rice grains instead of, you know, cooked rice. At least it fills me up- won’t have to break my writing stride to get a snack, if it comes to that. And it always comes to that.

…Noise.

Too much noise. Mouths chewing with wet and obscene sounds. Conversations I can’t piece together but try to anyway. What if they’re talking about me?

I can’t tell whether they’re laughing or crying.

Need to move. No more people. I’m tired after two classes, how am I supposed to work in the real world? How am I supposed to do anything worthwhile? How am I supposed to grow and be an adult? I don’t feel like an adult. I stopped changing at sixteen and I’ve been stuck in this worthless rotten excuse of a body ever since.

Stand up. Stand up! Prickling in my muscles, everything’s too loud. Beep boop, out of people juice again. Where can I get more? People juice machine broke. Why am I thinking in memes at a time like this, I need to pack up my bag and go.

Out of the cafeteria, into the fall air. I don’t need to think about the path I’m taking. I may not be able to remember meetings, due dates, birthdays, names, anything short-term memory related, or anything that makes me viable and valid as a human adult worth caring about, but by God do I still have my muscle memory! Wondrous miracles!

What should I listen to on the walk home? Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to listen to this album. It’d be good to listen to something new. Or, I could listen to the same set of songs I’ve been listening to on repeat for weeks now because that’s what’s comfortable to me.

Yeah. Let’s go with that.

It’s getting windier by the minute. I left my good jacket in my bedroom closet- didn’t think I’d need it today. I need to make it a habit to check the weather before I go out, I can’t keep going out under prepared like this-

What on earth is that squirrel doing?

…God damnit. Did it again. I’m just a walking stereotype at this point. I really hate that joke about people with ADHD and squirrels, but it’s true. Maybe that’s why I hate it so much.

I did take my pills today, didn’t I? The section for today is empty, so I must have. Good. I’ve gotten better about doing that.

Walk faster towards home, bow my head against the galeforce winds. It’s not galeforce, I’m exaggerating, but it’s damn windy is what it is. I’m swimming upstream, I’m a carp trying to jump a waterfall. I’m Sisyphus up a hill made out of air. I’m an adventurer on a solemn quest, I’m a badass with somewhere to be, I’m making up things that I am because the walk home is boring and I’d rather be at home under my duvet instead of be out here freezing my everything off.

Finally home. My room’s at the top of three sets of stairs. I’m the crazy lady in the attic. Stick me up here, forget about me. Or it could be that it’s smaller so they make the single rooms out of the space they have. Self reminder- finish reading “The Yellow Wallpaper”.

When I take off my shoes, I need to place them in the shoe caddy. If I do so, it will be easier to find them and they won’t be a trip hazard. Everyone wins.

I didn’t place them in the shoe caddy. Figures.

Set your bag down, pull your laptop and notebook out. This whole day will be a waste if I don’t get something down at least. Sit on your bed and make yourself comfortable. I’m not going anywhere for the next however-long-it-takes, and the desk chairs are too hard for my delicate lil’ butt to handle.

My bedsheets already smell like farts and sweat. I just washed them a few days ago. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

A thousand underperformances on the back of my neck, constricting my lungs. I’ve barely opened the laptop and already I’m at anxiety DEFCON 2, how am I supposed to start this thing? It’s impossible, why did I put it off for this long, I’m going to fail, I’m-

Wait! Breathe. Breathe in for five, hold for five, exhale for seven. That’s it, just like your psychologist taught you. Still stressed. Thoughts still racing. Howie Mandel, I’m going to use a lifeline on this one. Pick up my phone, flip over to texts.

[Mom are you in a good place to talk right now?] [well, text] [not up for calling atm]

[I am. What’s up?]

[just. kind of stressed out] [I have a story due by midnight and I haven’t started it yet] [trying not to beat myself up about it. not really working]

[At least you’re trying, right? That’s better than in the past.] [Maybe try doing something nice for a bit?] [Not forever, just something that will calm you down.]

[did I mention its due tonight at midnight]

[I know. But trying to do things when you’re riled up doesn’t work.]

I hate it when she’s right.

[maybe I’ll do some knitting for a bit] [still have to finish that blanket]

[Sounds like a plan <3]

One, two, three four… seven? Fuck, I dropped a stitch somewhere. Time to frog it and start over. Mom’s always astonished when I spend so much time on something and destroy it when it’s not perfect. Like I didn’t inherit it from her. She’s gotten better in recent days, but still. Still. Why do knitters call it “frogging”? Because you rip it, rip it.

…It’s nine o clock at night. When did it become nine o clock at night? Put your knitting away, goddamnit, what are you thinking? The story’s due before midnight, just open your Word doc and go!

Focus. Play with form. Poetry, writing, dance, art, living- it’s all just one connection of motion to another. But at what point does a story become a poem? Or a poem become a story, either or. I know free verse is a thing, will the teacher dock me points if it’s not within at least a certain limit of change? Maybe. I don’t know.

The word counter’s ticking up, one agonizing number at a time. It’s all bullshit, of course it’s all bullshit, I can’t write anything but bullshit. But in the Game of College Classes, all that matters is that it fulfills the requirements of the assignment. Nothing more.

Something something too rhythmic, something something “all writers are failed poets”, something something I don’t know what I’m doing, something something, just as long as it’s something.

You’ll never be good enough. This story will never be good enough. You’re unoriginal. And even if you were original, who would want someone who can’t turn things in on time? That’s all you’re good for, menial tasks, just get used up and thrown out when you’re no longer needed. You’re disposable. There are millions of other people just like you, only better because they aren’t lazy worthless garbage. No one likes you. People who say they like you and like what you do are lying. Why can’t you just write what’s in your head? You think you’re better than everyone else at this, but when it comes to brass tacks you just can’t live up to your own fantasies of greatness. Face it- you’re never going to get anywhere with this. You’re never going to get anywhere with anything you do. You’ll just give up as soon as things become even slightly tough; what were you thinking coming here, where it’s all tough all the time? Oh wait, you weren’t, you just go along with whatever someone in authority tells you because you’re a coward and can’t think for yourself without someone else giving the go-ahead. If you’re ever given control you just throw it all away and don’t do shit-

11:50pm. It’s done. Aborted thoughts that pro-lifers would have a field day with, flimsy thoughts, very little structure, absolutely meaningless in the long run, but done, blessedly done. Open your email, send it off to the professor. Write an apology for it being late at night. Send a joke that at least it’s on time. Delete the part that says “for once”- only so much self-deprecation is allowed when interacting with others before they get concerned. Hit the SEND button and try to feel proud, though you know you could have done better if you hadn’t put it off.

It’s late. I’m tired. Time to attempt to sleep. I’ll stay up until one watching videos- I know myself- but at least I need to pretend I’m going to bed or I’ll stay up even later with meaningless distractions

I’ll have to face my mistakes I’ve made with other classes tomorrow, the assignments I’ve put off elsewhere. But this is a victory. A victory that shouldn’t be this hard to get, but it’s a victory. And I’ll take it for all it’s worth.

#writers writes things

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careforselfs · 7 years ago

Text

Tips that changed my young life

Part 1 (one)

As a kid with ADHD, sleep deprivation and a severe case of laziness, at one time in my life I had stressed myself out to the point where suicide was looking like a viable option. No young person should have to feel that way, especially if it’s because of preventable habits. Around the start of high school my time was spent being unproductive and feeling miserable. I had no motivation to get any work done, I was tired 24/7 but I hardly got any sleep, I was grumpy and depressed and unfocused, and my social life was suffering. Although these are still problems that I (and everyone on this planet) face, I’ve gotten a lot better at handling myself and I’ve stopped putting up with my own bullshit. Although not all of these tips are going to help/are practical for everyone, hopefully some tired and sickly kid like me will find this list and feel a lil more inspired to get the most out of life.

1. Self-care isn’t what you think it is:

A few years back my idea of self-care was so skewed that my habits ended up doing more harm than good. Whenever I felt bad, I’d usually curl up in a blanket, watch some netflix or scroll tumblr, wallow in self-pity, and eventually fall asleep. While admittedly that is something we can all benefit from every once in a while, when that becomes a daily ritual is when it becomes counter-productive. Self-care is supposed to make you feel good; not only in the moment but in the long run too. Blanket pity cave feels great at the time, but when you finally emerge into the light you find that you’ve wasted time, you still feel sleepy, and nothing has been achieved. But what else could self-care possibly be?!?! you may ask. Well I hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes self-care is doing the last thing that you feel like doing. If you’re feeling tired and sad, often the best remedy is to go for a quick walk around the block. If you knew me at all, you would know that walks are not something I very much enjoy. Especially when I feel like curling up into a sleep-ball, exercise is the last thing I want, but the first thing I need. And I always end up feeling better in the end. And exercise isn’t the only form of self-care! It’s getting a glass of water even when you’re too tired to get up from the bed. Its doing your god-damn homework even when you’re so fucking sick of calculus oh my god I can’t even bare to look at it. Just do it. Even for, like, 10 minutes. Then take a break. It doesn’t seem like much but you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore feel more motivated. Please, just take this from me. Two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you had suggested this to me “I can’t do homework if I don’t feel like I can do it! Are you crazy? That's not how ADHD works!” Well suck it up kid. You gotta take care of yourself. Think long term!

2. Just ask for help:

I like to be independant. I like doing things by myself, without help, because that's what smart people do right? Wrooong. Nobody is born with the innate understanding of how to do everything. It’s a waste of time if you’re trying to get stuff done but you’re stuck because you don’t understand something, and instead of asking a simple question you stubbornly sit in your chair for hours wracking your brain for the answers when you know in your heart they aren’t there. Asking for help can be embarrassing, especially when you think the question is stupid or you think you should be able to do something by yourself. But teachers/parents/chaplains/whoever are usually more than happy to answer your questions, and will rarely think badly of you. They need help sometimes too! And help isn’t only for school work. At some point in time you’ll realize that you need mental health help, or physical help, or emotional help. Those aren’t things to be ashamed of. I used to/still have a lot of trouble getting motivated to complete basic tasks. Before I’d just sit on my ass and wait for the motivation to come naturally, but it never would. Finally I realized that if I simply asked my mom to help me (set a timer, check up on me, go through things step-by-step) I could... actually accomplish stuff. And yes, asking for help, especially for simple and “easy” tasks, is anxiety inducing. Sometimes I felt like a child, incapable and useless. But if you get help straight away, then you learn how to be independant sooner rather than later, and you’ll need less and less help. There’s really no shame in it. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. Everyone.

3. Identify and treat any underlying health problems you may have:

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade four, but it didn’t start to affect my life until high school. The second semester of grade ten I noticed my marks dropping an unusual amount, and I was struggling to stay motivated. I was tired, disoriented, grumpy, all the things I’ve listed above. Finally my mom took me to see my old psychiatrist, and she put me on medication. It took a very long time to find a combination of pills and coping strategies that worked for me, but now I find I’m able to cope a lot better. And I know that I’m not just lazy, or dumb, or useless. My brain is wired differently from the norm and I’m not able to function well in the environment that modern society has created. And now that I know that I’m able to adapt. And mental health problems aren’t the only health problems that can affect your outlook on life. For a long time after I had settled on the right meds, I was still feeling tired and hazy. I was weak and pale, had absolutely no strength or energy, and fell asleep so uncontrollably that I started to wonder whether I was narcoleptic. After a blood test to check if I could start new medication, it was discovered that my iron levels were non-existent. All my symptoms were symptoms of low iron. It was such a simple and common health problem, but it had gone undiagnosed for so long that it had started to severely affect my life. I started supplements and added iron-rich foods to my diet, and two years later I’m a completely different person. I can go for hikes. I can wake up early and not feel tired. I have the energy to do whatever I put my mind to, and even my thinking is clearer. Don’t just chalk up all your problems to “I, as a person, just suck.” Sometimes, our “quirks” or “faults” are actually symptoms.

4. Love unconditionally:

This tip doesn’t focus on you, but your perception of others. My whole life I’d been in a toxic friendship. My best friend didn’t treat me or others well, but she was all I’d known and therefore I didn’t know any better. She was extremely quick to judge others, on their clothes, hair, and personality. If someone did something she didn’t like, no matter how small, she’d cut them off completely. After a while I learned to think and act the same way, and eventually, to our surprise, we ended up with no friends but each other. I just thought that people were mean. That I was better than them. I understood how the world worked and everyone else was immature, and not worth my time. Unconsciously I ended up judging people by their flaws. I’d disregard all their good traits, their kindness, their loyalty; I’d look through all of that to see only their faults. And nobody is perfect, so I had no friends! My “friend” had even higher standards than I did, so naturally I was cast aside after 10 years of loyal friendship. I was shook, to say the least, and I started to reevaluate how I viewed people. All along I’d obviously known that everyone makes mistakes, you should love people with their flaws, blah blah blah, but I actually started to put that mindset into practice. And I discovered a world full of beautiful, beautiful people. I began to realize that if a friend did or said something I didn’t like, I could still be friends with them. We didn’t have to agree. Sometimes people say or do stupid things. Sometimes people have outbursts, take all their anger out on you. Sometimes they can be unkind or unloyal or untrustworthy. But those things don’t define them. For all their flaws, they have 100 more beautiful traits. You shouldn’t let their problems outshine who they really are. And that’s what I’d been doing! I missed out on so many wonderful friendships because I couldn’t get over the fact that sometimes people aren’t 100% awesome. They can make mistakes and it’s alright! Sometimes they even make big mistakes! And that’s alright too! You can work past them together. I find that when someone is shown unconditional love, instead of taking advantage of you like you might think they would, they tend to become more appreciative of your friendship, and become a more confidant person. But it’s important to remember that it’s also ok to cut toxic people out of your life. Sometimes, for no reason at all, you won’t get along with someone. Your personalities just don’t mesh, or some of their traits just rub you the wrong way. You’re not obligated to be friends with everybody. You don’t have to hate these people, remember they have good things inside them as well, but you also don’t have to devote any of your time to them. It’s also important to remember that some mistakes are just unforgivable. It doesn’t matter what it is, but if someone does something that affects you so much that you don’t know if you could handle keeping them in your life, it’s ok to let them go. You can’t say “it’s fine whatever” when in reality you’re going to suffer. Sometimes, people’s negative traits can outshine their positives in your life. They might not be a bad person, but they can be a bad person for you. All in all, I find that it’s easier to just accept people. I have sooo many more friends now. I’ve been exposed to different types of thinking and different ways of being, and I’ve only become a better person because of it.

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