#i was sick for like a month last year after basically the same thanksgiving trip

[fereldanwench]

yeah so this thanksgiving trip is shaping up to be another delight 🙃

[cryptidsurveys]

Saturday, November 23rd, 2024.

Are you dreading anything coming up within the next few days? No. The next few days involve visiting the Mountain Park, volunteering, seeing a movie with my mom (therapy was canceled, so there's time for me to go after all), and lots of cooking and baking to get ready for Thanksgiving. Oh, and it might snow/rain on Wednesday into Thursday. It should be a pleasant time.

Do you have trouble reading small fonts? Oh gosh, I remember posting surveys in teeny tiny fonts you needed an electron microscope to read. These days, especially when it comes to YouTube comments, I find myself zooming in to make the text bigger/easier on my eyes.

Are you ever so eager to know what happens in a book / movie / television show that you willingly “ruin” it for yourself by either reading ahead, fast-forwarding, or even reading “spoilers” online? I occasionally read reviews before settling on a book and sometimes those contain spoilers. I've also watched (reaction/summary) videos pertaining to books I later went on to read. I guess it's not so much that I seek out spoilers, but that I don't necessarily care or feel as though a book is ruined for me if I know the ending or various plot twists beforehand.

Do you find yourself addicted to a specific beverage or food item one week, & then you tire of it the next after having had it so frequently? Naw. I'm a pretty repetitive eater. I can eat the same basic/staple foods for months, even years, without growing tired of them.

Is there anything special to you about the current month? Thanksgiving. And the fact that I just enjoy November in general.

Are there any old [as in, no longer on television, not necessarily old in terms of years] television shows that you could happily sit through & re-watch the entire series? Mmm, I don't think so.

What was the last flattering thing someone did / said to / for you? - Kristen complimented me on my newly buzzed hair, and Leslie and Iris joked that they wished they could pull off the style (implying that it looked good on me). - Iris said the pie I brought in yesterday was her favorite so far. Everyone devoured it and I got a lot of compliments on that as well.

Do you know anybody that believes that magic / witchery truly exists? Yeah.

Have you ever had any interest in the Salem Witch Trials? Not really.

In terms of writing implements, are you more likely to use a mechanical pencil, ordinary pencil, or A PEN? Does it all depend upon what you intend to write with it? A pen.

Do you keep a whiteboard or paper on your refrigerator to list necessities for future shopping trips? No. I just use a little notebook…which I recently misplaced.

Roughly how hot are the summer temperatures where you reside? 90-100*F.

Excluding surveys, what is something you waste a lot of time doing? Watching YouTube.

Do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating? This is more of a case of an animal that's not in its natural habitat, but a feral cat colony established its territory around our house + our surrounding neighbors. It's definitely interesting to watch them go about their business.

Of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best & which was the worst? Best decisions: volunteering, seeing and sticking with my current therapist, and deciding to give recovery another chance. Worst decisions: I know getting sick in the first place wasn't necessarily my fault, but I wish I had recovered much sooner. I've wasted so much of my life on self-hatred/self-destruction.

When you go shopping, do you tend to go to the left side of the store, the right, or do you aim for a particular aisle right off the bat? We tend to go to the right and make a general loop around the store, popping into aisles when we need something, finishing off with the frozen section right before we leave.

Do you generally come home with more than you intended to buy when you go shopping? Not that often. I do buy a lot more "fun/treat" foods during the holidays, though, and sometimes I go a bit overboard.

Has anything exciting, whether big or small, happened to you today? Not really.

If you were presented with a bowl of fruit with apples, oranges, bananas, & grapes in it - which fruit would you pick to eat? Grapes or bananas.

Are you looking forward to Halloween, or does the holiday not interest you at all? Halloween just passed not that long ago and I'm already looking forward to next year. If I could live in a cycle of October, November, December, and maybe January forever, I would be so happy.

If a rat scurried across your foot right now, how would you react? I'd probably jump up and let out some sort of muffled/confused/wtf scream. I'm not afraid of rats, but seeing one in my home where it's not supposed to be…well, that's a bit of a different story.

Will you be expecting any company tomorrow? No.

Discarding the fact that they can smell & tend to get dirty a lot, do you like your feet, or feet in general? My feet are ugly, but I do appreciate them for putting up with me.

Do you find great pleasure in making others laugh? Yeah.

When was the last time you were so excited / happy that you jumped up & down? Lol, this morning, Kristen and I were joking about how "excited" we were for deep clean day. She was like, "I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited. It felt like Christmas." ;D

[jetaime-jespere]

Prompt #19

#19. “Does your life revolve around embarrassing me?”

“Aaron, I need a favor.”

His boss, Rich, catches him as he’s arriving for the day, shuffling a few piles of papers on his desk as he waits for the clock to strike 8. Not a moment before, not a moment after, he thinks. Their shifts are carefully timed, every minute on the clock accounted for. The budget is tight; Aaron’s heard the rumors, questioning of why Ambassador Prentiss needs the amount of security she has. Whispers of cuts have become more and more frequent over the last few weeks. He’s grateful to still have a full schedule of shifts. Others haven’t been as lucky.

“Sir?” Aaron asks as evenly as he can. It’s about to be a long day and from what he’s learned in the months of working there, visits from Ambassador Prentiss’s head of security typically entail some special assignment, one he didn’t sign up for, but is volun-told for. “Is there something you needed?” He knows he shouldn’t ask, but he needs a good letter of recommendation when he ultimately puts in his two weeks sooner rather than later. He has his eyes on something a bit more ambitious, potentially the FBI. He’s already started the grueling application process.

“A big favor.” Rich sounds slightly out of breath, as if he ran the whole way to his office, judging by his red face. He looks annoyed, his face a little pinched, etched with a few more lines than it had the first time they met. Aaron still isn’t quite sure what makes his job so stressful - the Ambassador’s residence runs like clockwork, and now that it’s fall and things have settled down, it’s been relatively quiet.

“I need you to drive to New Haven this morning. I’d ask Harris to do it, but he called off sick and we’re short-staffed already.” It’s the way he says it that Aaron knows he just learned the news too, as if trying to coordinate logistics in his own head.

New Haven. Fuck, Aaron thinks, briefly closing his eyes. What he wants to say is Harris called off for a bachelor party in Ocean City and to find someone else. Instead, he sinks into his desk chair, doing his best to keep his expression neutral. Driving to New Haven can only mean one thing, and while he’s almost certain no one knows what happened over the summer, he can never be too sure. “New Haven, Sir? This morning?” He glances at the calendar on the wall - shit. It’s the coming weekend before Thanksgiving -more traffic is all but a given, and it also means Emily will be home for almost a full week.

Then he remembers he’s scheduled to work doubles most of the holiday week.

Great.

“Ambassador Prentiss called me to her office an hour ago. She’s asking that Emily be driven home from Yale tonight. I don’t know the details, but she was pretty persistent that one of us would go up there and get her. My guess is she got into some kind of trouble, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Aaron tries to hide his annoyance, and more so the slight tug of worry in the pit of his stomach. “What are you talking about? What kind of trouble?” He does the math in his head - it’s  a five hour drive to Connecticut without traffic. There and back will be at least a twelve hour day, if not more.

“I don’t want to speculate, but the last time this happened, she got caught underage in a bar and nearly got arrested. We never found out exactly what happened, but from what I heard, it wasn’t good.”

Aaron grimaces; it’s exactly like Emily’s mother to sweep something like that under the rug and completely ignore the bigger issue at hand. From what he’s learned, it’s been a familiar pattern for years.

“The Ambassador approved time and a half for whoever makes the trip. I know you said you need the -”

“I’ll do it,” Aaron says quickly before he can think too much about the circumstances, wondering just what could be so pressing at such a last minute.  His situation with Emily is complicated, one that should have never even become a thing in the first place. But it did, and even three months after she’d left, she remains at the forefront of his mind most days, a constant reminder of those hot summer nights in mid July.

There’d been nights at his apartment and early mornings in her room; behind closed doors he’d fallen for her. She’d careened into his world completely unexpected, a welcomed change from his familiar pattern of soft-spoken, yet well-intentioned blondes. Emily was the exact opposite. There had been secret meetings tucked amongst the endless gardens, dinners in dive bars and a few trips to nicer restaurants under the city lights when his paycheck allowed.  It was exhilarating and all consuming until it wasn’t, when it all came to a screeching halt a few weeks later.

They haven’t talked since the night before left for New Haven. The night ended with an argument, along with tears (hers) and a ridiculous sense of guilt (his) as he dropped her off just outside the gates of the mansion. Yet she’d been the one to end it, explaining through thinly veiled frustration that it just wouldn’t work, that everything would change and none of this could continue. His pushback had only angered her, his attempts to assure her it could in fact work fell on deaf ears. And as she’d all but fled from his car, it was fear he saw in her face. Fear of possibility for what could be.

All of this, along with their months of silence, means he’s probably the last person she’ll expect to see outside her door. Aaron has a feeling she isn’t quite prepared for what is about to be a very unexpected visit. What he also knows is that neither is he.

…

It’s been awhile since he stepped foot on a college campus, and he doesn’t exactly blend in wearing a full suit and dark sunglasses in a sea of jeans and sweatshirts. He ignores the stares he gathers from the small groups of students all over the campus, finding her building with relative ease.

He nods a thanks to the girl holding the door open, quickening his pace just a little. She gives him a once over, lifting an eyebrow at his attire. “Campus security is the other way, you know. You look a little lost.”

“I’m in the right place,” he retorts quickly, brushing past her and up to the third floor. As he climbs the stairs with a slight burn in his lungs from the exertion, Aaron remembers Emily complaining about that three story climb over the summer, and the memory of her, warm in his arms, almost makes him smile. Almost. But she most likely has no idea he’s coming; it’s impossible to tell what her reaction will be. Anger? Indifference? But by now he’s standing outside her door, and it’s too late to turn back.

Aaron knocks three times, crisp and precise, then waits a few perfunctory moments. No answer. He knocks again, this time a little more insistent, and he hears a soft grunt, a muffled voice from behind the door. What he doesn’t expect is what he sees when the door swings open. A guy, about her age give or take, blinks away the confusion from his eyes, his defenses rising immediately. He’s clearly not expecting visitors, and Aaron, half expecting him to close the door in his face, briefly wonders if he has the right room.

319. It’s right, and this just got significantly more awkward, even as a small bubble of jealousy rises in his throat, one that takes him by surprise. “Who the hell are you?” Aaron asks, instinctively propping the door open with his foot.

“Name’s Rob.” There’s a cigarette in his hand; the room smells like an ashtray and slightly of stale wine, even though it’s the middle of the day. He flicks his eyes over Aaron’s suit and scoffs with an air of arrogance. “What are you, some kind of cop or something?”

“I’m here for -”

“Aaron? What are you doing here?” Emily suddenly pops up behind Rob out of nowhere, looking just as surprised, and slightly embarrassed as realization dawns on her face. “Tell me my mother did not send you here.”

Rob visibly tenses at the mention of the Ambassador. “Your mom’s got the cops chasing you now? I thought you said she wouldn’t find out about  -”

Emily’s cheeks flush as she rolls her eyes, taking a sideways look at Aaron. “He’s not a cop, Rob. He just works for her.”

“Basically the same thing, right? You said she basically had her own secret service. You know this guy?”

“Yeah,” Emily sighs with frustration. “I know him.”

Aaron shifts from foot to foot, staring between them both. Being here suddenly feels invasive; he wishes he would have never said yes to this in the first place. It’s clear nothing has changed between Emily and her mother, and everything has changed between the two of them. She’s clearly moved on. Maybe it’s best to make this as detached as possible - a business transaction, no emotions or feelings. “I’m your ride home. Start packing.”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Emily narrows her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Just following orders.” He scans the room - the counter is littered with empty cans and cups, a deck of cards strewn over the desk in a corner, an ashtray full of cigarettes. “How soon do you think you can be ready to leave?”

“Leave? What about tonight?” Rob cuts in. “Brian and Dan got bottle service tonight. I thought you were going to bring that hot friend of yours. Dan wants to meet her.”

“Bottle service?” Aaron says incredulously, wishing he could wipe the smirk off Rob’s face. “You do know she’s underage, right?” He doesn’t have to look at Emily to know that is enough to set her off, and she shoots him a look that could cut glass.

“Listen man,” Rob begins, swaying on his feet. “I don’t know who you are but -”

“I’m  the guy who's going to kick you out-” Aaron begins tersely.

“Just go, Rob. Please just … go.” Emily snaps, presses her fingertips to her eyes, the heat rising to her face like two blood red stains on her cheeks. “I’ll … I’ll call you once I figure this out. Just go without me.”

“Or just ditch your babysitter.” He scoffs but still leans in closer, all but towering over her. Aaron doesn’t miss the way Emily recoils when Rob kisses her cheek. He reminds him of the type of guy who would go from her room straight into another girl’s without a second thought, say all the same things and no one will be the wiser. But the door shuts, leaving them alone for the first time in months. Aaron shoves his hands in his suit pockets and stares out the window as Emily sneers.

“Does your life revolve around embarrassing me now?”  she huffs, looping her hair behind her ear, shoes obnoxiously clunking against the floor as pulls a suitcase from under her bed. “Because if so, you’re doing a real bang-up job.”

“No. My job,” he says, placing emphasis on the word, “is getting you back home like I was ordered to do.”

“So they sent you this time?” She sighs, dumping some empty cups into the trash. “Why am I not surprised?” It’s mid afternoon but she looks exhausted, and Aaron wonders if she even got any sleep at all the night before.

“I’m just following orders,” he says again, following her with his eyes as Emily starts tossing clothes into a bag. There’s no thought to her packing process; she opens drawers and slams them shut, pulling out clothes with a little too much force.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” He asks a little more softly this time, keeping space between them both.

“No.”

As expected.

“You can tell me, you know.”

“Nothing happened,” she says crisply, zipping her suitcase shut. But she doesn’t look at him, which confirms that something definitely happened.

“Then why am I here?”

“Aaron,” Emily says almost teasingly, as if any memory of the last time they spoke has seemingly evaporated from her mind. “This is certainly not the first time my mother has sent one of you up here to come get me for some reason or another. It certainly won’t be the last.”

“Seems like an awful lot of trouble for her to go to.” From the tone of his voice it’s clear he doesn’t believe her, but she doesn’t seem to care.

“You have met her right? The only person my mother cares about is herself. And her career. She doesn’t care who else is inconvenienced by that.”

He can’t argue with her, and decides to drop it for the time being. There’s a five hour car ride awaiting them; plenty of time to peel her walls down. “If we don’t leave soon we’re going to hit rush hour,” he says patiently, checking his watch. “The sooner we get back, the better.”

She’s quiet for a few minutes, finishing the last of her packing. But finally Emily meets his stare, and for the first time since he arrived, offers a smile. “It’s good to see you, Aaron.”

This time, he almost believes her.

...

“So, who’s your friend?” Aaron asks casually, a half hour into their five hour trip. She’s hardly said a word since taking the passenger seat; her only request was to stop at the gas station for coffee and a pile of sugary candy that she’s started to work her way through. “Rob?”

His question gets the shortest of laughs from Emily as she tips her sunglasses down her nose. “You lasted longer than I thought you would.” Yet she gives nothing else, and he knows he has to push her a little harder.

“He’s kind of an ass,” Aaron says without taking his eyes off the road. “You hang around him a lot?”

“Why?” She challenges, less out of anger rather than amusement. She’s known this question was coming since the minute she saw him standing in the door. “Are you jealous or something?”

He says nothing, only turns his head to stare at her. “Answer my question.”

“Sometimes.” Emily picks at the seam of a bag of peach rings, her eyes on her lap. “You’re not wrong, though, in your assessment.”

“And yet you still hang around him?” He doesn’t bother to hide the distaste in his voice. “Seems like bad news. Is he the reason why I’m here?”

“You’re worried,” she says quietly, crossing and recrossing her legs. “I can tell.”

“Of course I’m worried, Emily. I’m fucking worried to say the least. Can you blame me?”

“You shouldn’t. It’s under control.” Her silence is telling, an indicator that the conversation is over as she pointedly turns to face the window. Aaron swallows in frustration, knowing he pushed a little too far.

Connecticut turns into New York, the miles already starting to blend together in the tense quiet. As the traffic thickens and the SUV comes to a stop, the George Washington bridge looming in the distance, Emily speaks for the first time in more than an hour.

“Aaron?” She says hesitantly, her bottom lip between her teeth with worry. “Can you keep a secret?”

[untilmynextstory]

Chapter 8: Family Recipe 

Eventually Jax was able to get Nathan to calm down. It was only after Nathan unleashed everything. Namely that he doesn't know when the abuse happened, in fact, he never saw a bruise on his mother, but he just knows Vitaly hurts her. Jax knows that the abuse doesn't even have to be physical, but mentality and emotionally.

It takes everything in his power to not storm to Alma's right now, but he has to be smart. He has to prepare for the worst. He can't just kill Vitaly. The man does have ties to the Russians and any blowback can land on Alma's doorstep.

Then there is the fact in separating Alma from her abuser. He has to be prepared that she won't want to leave. He needs to be prepared for her to fight him on everything.

He does his best to not even think about why Alma got herself in the situation. The anger doesn't lay on her. Now he knows why Alma wanted Nathan to move in with him. The abuse must have been escalating. He knew something was wrong. He should've pressed and pressed even if it would have pissed her off.

Jax walks over to the end table and grabs some stationary. He writes a short and coded message to Lenny to see if he could give him some basic info on Vitaly and his schedule. He knows he can't just show up to Alma's place of work. He wouldn't be surprised if the man kept eyes on Alma while he was away. He needs to be careful.

.

.

.

Alma feels Vitaly only did what he did to ruin her Thanksgiving. After all, he had left promptly three days after his parting gift for a business trip that would leave him gone for three weeks. It would have him back in town just for Christmas. She has a feeling that he may try to ruin that for her as well. She already plans to leave for Christmas early. Nathan has most of December off and since she missed Thanksgiving she can make it up to him by arriving a week or two earlier.

She knows she put Nathan through a lot of worry those two days he couldn't reach her. Vitaly did smash her phone during his fit of rage. She had been able to easily explain that to Nathan, who had demanded a video call, when she was able to get a hold of him.

She hated to see the utter look of relief on his face. It was like he knew something had gone wrong. She had tried to shield him from the decline of her second marriage. She should've gotten out the first time Vitaly ever raised his hand to her, but she didn't. She stayed. She stayed and she didn't even know why she did.

She thinks maybe she didn't want another failed marriage under her belt. She didn't want to admit that she let herself into the situation. She got herself trapped. Maybe, just maybe, it had to do with she didn't want for anyone to know she got herself in this situation. She didn't want to go crawling back to Charming - back to Jax. She didn't want the stares of pity. She wanted to show people that she could move on from the Life she had in Charming.

She also didn't want Jax to go to jail for murdering Vitaly. She knows it would get to that point. Her ex husband was a very smart man, but at the same time,if pushed he shoots first and thinks later. She knows he would not let Vitaly get away with putting his hands on her.

She is just grateful Vitaly never targeted her son. During his rages, he always insults Jax. She ignores them mostly. They seem to stem from a place of jealousy. It makes her wonder if he knew what she had done with Jax on their wedding night.

Alma had always carried so much guilt from that night. She was truly disgusted with herself. What woman cheats on their future husband on their wedding day. She carried that guilt for months until Vitaly's real side began to show. Hell, she even had a pregnancy scare. She didn't know how she was going to explain that to Vitaly. He had made it very clear he didn't want kids. Although, she had found out by accident that he couldn't have kids.

She prayed to god everyday that Jax didn't manage to knock her up again. She didn't even know how she would have managed to make a good lie for that one. She knows deep down what she would've done if she had been pregnant. She didn't know if she could live with that. She probably would've chickened out and would have to manage the embarrassment of running back to Charming with her tail tucked between her legs.

Now, she doesn't feel guilty. It was the last time she truly felt loved from anybody in that way. Maybe she shouldn't have let her mother push her into this marriage. For the first time she ever really listened to her mother she ends up being a victim of domestic violence.

Alma shakes her head. She is not going to blame her mother. She made the choice to continue seeing Vitaly. She accepted the marriage proposal.

Alma sighs as she opens one of the many boxes of decorations for Christmas. This is the first year she will be decorating without Nathan's help. This house is much larger than her two previous homes. The one thing she misses is all the homemade decorations Nathan and Kaylee made. She had left those in Charming. Alot of Kaylee's things were still in Charming.

She is glad because she has a feeling Vitaly's anger might escalate to destroy any connection she has to Charming and Jax.

Alma goes to her record player and puts on some Marvin Gaye and pours herself a glass of wine and begins to decorate. She has been decorating for only about 30 minutes when the doorbell goes off. She frowns as she wasn't expecting anyone. She's never expecting anyone now that Nathan isn't home. There is also the fact that she didn't bother concealing the bruises on her body. She grabs a throw blanket to wrap around her body to hide the bruises on her arms. She can't do much to hide the bruise on her cheek. She peeks through the side window and she stiffens in surprise to find Jax on the other side of the door.

She knows if anything was wrong with Nathan he would've called. The only reason he would come down if it was about Nathan, but she knows he would've called beforehand. She knows this because she is pretty sure he doesn't want to be in the same room as Vitaly. She knows there is no use in trying to act like she isn't home.

She unlocks the dead bolt, but doesn't open the door all the way. She hides half her body from Jax.

"I can admit I am surprised to see you on my doorstep," Alma greets with.

"I can say the same." He replies.

She watches as his eyes narrow at her presence. She takes in his appearance. He isn't wearing his kutte and he doesn't have his bike. She notices his truck parked in her driveway. He is practically incognito.

"What are you doing here, Jax?"

"You going to let me in?"

Alma takes a deep breath and she opens the door wider to let him in her house. He steps in and she closes the door behind her. She takes a deep breath. He knows.

"We need to talk, darlin'," Jax tells her.

Alma nods her head and she leads him through the living room. She knows he doesn't care for a tour of her house.

She leads him to the couch where he sits down and she sits in the lounge chair opposite from him.

He doesn't say anything for a couple minutes. In fact, he doesn't even look at her as he seems to take in the world she lives in. He takes a deep breath and leans forward to rest his elbow on his legs.

"Instead of coming back to my bed, you married a sick fuck that beats you. You let Nathan witness that shit." Jax starts. He doesn't beat around the bush. He gets straight to the point of why he drove down here.

"Nathan was never in any danger."

"Jesus Christ, Alma, that isn't the point." He snaps and looks her in the eyes. His eyes focus on her bruised cheek. The point is that she is in danger. It's a truth that goes unsaid.

"I can't leave him, Jax."

"The hell you can't. I will drag you out kicking and screaming if I have too."

Alma runs her hands down her face. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Let me see it."

"See what?"

"I can see that nice shiner on your face. Let me see the rest." He demands.

Alma pulls the blanket around her tighter. "Look, I appreciate the concern, but you need to go."

"Nah, I'm not leaving until I know you're getting out of this."

"Jax, I'm not your wife or old lady anymore. I'm not your concern."

"You're the mother of my children. You think I am going to go back to Charming knowing you're getting fucking beat. Do you think I can go home to our son and tell him 'hey I left your mother to get fucking beat'." Jax spits back. "Is that why you wanted him to live with me? You were scared Vitaly would take his attention to Nathan."

"I got Nathan out, Jax. That is all that matters right now."

"Do you even hear yourself, right now?" Jax asks in disbelief. "What the fuck happened to you, Alma?"

Alma snaps her head up. "What happened to me?" The laugh that escapes her lips is far from humorous. "How about the fact I had to grieve the loss of two children and my ex-husband decides to bury his grief in another pussy that isn't mine. Then a woman comes along claiming to be pregnant by him. How about the fact you humiliated me in Charming with the croweaters and pornstars leaving me to grieve all alone and taking care of the only child we had left alive. So excuse me while I tried to mend the pieces of me you fucking tore apart led me to fucking Vitaly."

Jax falls to his knees and his hands frame her face. Alma tries to turn away from him, but he forces her to look into his blue eyes.

"Alma, please…"

Alma doesn't know exactly what he is begging for. Does he want forgiveness, for her to leave Vitaly, for her to come back to Charming?

"Did he threaten me and the club?" Jax asks softly.

"I don't want you or Nathan to get hurt, Jax."

"Don't worry about the club. Don't worry about me."

"Easier said than done." Alma tells him weakly with a smile.

Jax smiles. "I know. I know." He brings his forehead down to hers. "You gotta come home, Alma."

Alma doesn't respond because she knows her answer won't please Jax. She thinks Jax must sense what she is thinking he pulls back from her and opens his mouth. She distracts him as she presses her lips against his. He is startled and he falls back. Alma takes advantage of his surprise as she straddles his hips. Her blanket falls off her shoulders and she meets Jax lips again into a burning kiss.

She thinks she has Jax distracted. He moans against her lips as she grinds down on him. A part of her missed this. She misses Jax and the feel of him against her, inside her. She leans down fully against him as she begins grinding against him. She won't feel guilty this time. After all, she can't remember the last time she has actually enjoyed sex. However, Jax's hands grip her hips and she winces as it presses against a tender bruise.

Jax notices the reaction immediately and pulls away from her and leans up. Lips already swollen, pupils dilated, Jax sucks in a breath as he takes in the damage.

Her arms are littered with Vitaly's fingerprints. She doesn't stop Jax when he lifts up his tank and sees the splotchy bruise on her hip from when she was pushed hard into the corner of the dresser in the bedroom. She had been worried about internal bleeding due to the pain she has been feeling for days.

"Al -"

She pushes his hands away and goes back to meet his lips, but he stops her. "Jax, please -"

"You're not coming back after Christmas." He tells her. "I'm not arguing with you about it."

Alma licks her lips. She closes her eyes and nods her head.

Jax sighs in relief and wraps his arms around her. Alma can't help the tears that begin to fall.

.

.

.

Jax is anxious. He has been since he had gone and seen Alma two weeks ago. She is supposed to arrive in a couple days. She had informed him that she planned to come down for Christmas early to begin with. His only comfort was that Vitaly was out on business. Alma would be left alone. She wouldn't see him unless he came down in Charming once he realized Alma wasn't coming back. Despite her assurance that she was leaving and would stay in Charming, it didn't stop the bad feeling in his gut.

It didn't stop him from feeling as if something was going to go wrong. It was hard leaving with the knowledge that Alma was in an abusive marriage. It hurts to know that he was the one that fucked up and it led her to that man's arms. Jax thinks he might hate himself a bit.

He knows Nathan didn't have any comfort either. In fact, Nathan has been calling or texting Alma every day since he came back from his trip to Alma's. Jax thinks he is just lucky the visit managed to slip the radar of his club and mother. They could deal with everything including people knowing the sliver of the truth once Alma was here permanently.

The one thing that was on replay in Jax's mind was the kiss. He knows it was stupid of him to even get partially distracted. Alma was doing it as a means to distract him. He was tempted and it probably would've gone further until he would have seen the damage Vitaly had done to her.

He did cry when he came back to Charming. It hurts to know that she's been dealing with this practically her whole marriage. Jax isn't blind to the fact that in this life men have shown physical dominance over their old ladies and women. Yet, Jax never took on that view. It disgusts him frankly. He even regrets what he had done to Ima. After all, it was his mistake for sleeping with Ima. It all landed on him for inviting Ima into his marriage. After Alma left him, he did apologize to the blond and managed to get her behind the camera as penance.

Even then he has witnessed a few slaps from the guys with the women, but Vitaly is fucking beating her. He knows Alma had to be in pain.

Jax thinks they need to figure out how to handle any potential blowback from the Russians. He doesn't think they would care, but Vitaly could be petty. He was surprised that the Russians did not care about any domestic situations.

Jax feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and he pulls it out and squints at the unfamiliar number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Jackson Teller?" A polite, feminine voice asked.

"Who's asking?"

"My name is Lisa. I'm a nurse at St. Vincent's hospital. You're listed as Alma Petrova's emergency."

"Is she okay? Is she alright?"

"She's stable and sedated, but it's best you come down here."

[mercuryonparklane]

I just found this one-shot I wrote based on ‘betty’ that has been sitting in my notes since September. I thought I’d share, if anyone is interested in that. The characters belong to Taylor and her co-writers, of course. I just borrowed them for this fic.

‘Please, come over’

Jamie Mann stares at the text for far too long, watching those three little dots appear and, then, disappear once again. Betty hates sending more than one text in a row. Even more than that, she can't stand it when a message goes unanswered.

Still, Jamie can't quite think of what to say. Her mind flashes back to prom two weeks earlier and the boy who swayed Betty around the dance floor while she laughed at his stupid jokes. Betty told her that she isn't interested in boys, but damnit if she isn't very good at hiding that fact.

Jamie throws her phone down next to her on the bed and pulls the hood of her sweatshirt over her head. She fiddles with the strings of the sweatshirt until she hears the ding of a new message.

'I'm in front of your house. Get your ass out here and hop in.'

Jamie fights the smile on her face, but she can't help feeling a little less hurt in the moment. August was the kind of friend who could convince you to do things you would never even think to do. Like the time they hopped the fence at school on a Friday night to smoke in the softball dugout. Or the time August managed to sneak them into some gay club in the city. Or the time they almost ditched the cop trying to pull her over for running a red light. Okay, so maybe they weren't actually going to try to escape and maybe August's uncle happened to be the cop in question. But still...

Jamie grabs her backpack and puts it on as she heads down stairs.

"Where do you think you're going, young lady?"

"Mom, I literally just graduated high school last night and I turn 18 next month. I'm basically an adult."

Her mom pulls her into a hug. Jamie lets it happen for a few seconds before escaping her grasp. Mrs. Mann runs her fingers through her daughter's hair trying to fix it best she can.

"Hmm... that will have to do. Now, truthfully, where are you going? Yeah, yeah, I know you're all grown up now, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop worrying about you."

Jamie rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless. "I'm staying over at August's. She's outside waiting for me, so can I go now?"

"Of course, dear. Have fun."

"Sure thing. Night, mom."

Jamie heads out the door and jogs to the midnight blue '67 Mustang idling in front of the driveway. She throws her backpack in the backseat before taking her spot in the passenger seat.

"So, what's the plan?"

"I was thinking we could go to that party Betty Davis is throwing."

A lump forms in Jamie's throat as she tries to come up with some excuse as to why they shouldn't go. August knows that Jamie is a lesbian, but she doesn't know anything about Betty. It was not something Betty wanted anyone to know about.

As far as anyone at school knew, Betty and Jamie were acquaintances at best. Betty was head cheerleader and Jamie was basically a skater burnout. Betty was class president and Jamie wasn't even on most of her teacher's radars. Betty was going to Yale next year. Jamie was going to a state school. Betty came from money. Jamie's mom worked two jobs to send her to private school. They weren’t exactly the likeliest of friends and no one would ever guess they were more than that.

"Come on, please? Don't you want to know what the popular kids get up to on the weekends?"

"Nah, it sounds pretty lame. I'd rather hang out just the two of us before you take your little road trip around the county, which I still can't believe your parents agreed to."

"You should come with me."

"What?"

"We would have so much fun. Besides I'm a little scared about driving around by myself."

Jamie scoffs, "You? Why, August Adams you are the bravest person I have ever known. What could possibly scare you?"

"I don't know... a car accident, rapists, serial killers, muggers, creatures..."

"Okay, I get it. I just mean... you've been planning this trip for two years. Wasn't it supposed to be some great big adventure of self-discovery?"

August shrugs. "I already know who I am. I'm a bisexual goddess, who is going to be the CEO of a major corporation someday, and no one can stop me. But also I'm just a girl sitting in front a girl, asking her to join me on the trip of a lifetime."

Jamie's heart skips a beat. She loves Betty so deeply, but being with her was torture. It would have been four more years of hiding. 'Just until we graduate college,’ Betty's words echo in her head. Four years is a long time and Jamie is sick of hiding. August came out Sophomore year and didn't care about what anyone thought of her.

"You know what, that sounds amazing."

August squeals and leans across the center console to wrap her arms around Jamie. "We're going to have so much fun, James!"

They never went to Betty’s party. Instead they drove to 7-Eleven, bought snacks and slurpees, and spent the rest of the night at the one skate park in town.

It took a bit of convincing before her mom felt comfortable letting her go on the five week trip. The fact that August had family sprinkled along their route, with whom they would be staying most of the time, helped to reassure her. August created an itinerary for Jamie's mom, so she would have an idea of where they would be and with whom.

A week into the trip, Jamie gets an unexpected text.

'I heard you left town with August Adams. Thanks for the heads up. Hope you have fun.'

The three dots show up and disappear, then reappear once again.

And finally, after almost a minute, 'I hear she's a great lay.'

Jamie doesn't even reply. Her blood boils just a bit. They'd never officially broken things off, but seeing Betty kiss that boy on the dance floor was the last straw. Jamie didn't want to hide anymore. She wanted a girlfriend who's hand she could hold while walking down the street.

So, she got one. Sort of. The text kind of sent her into overdrive and she may have decided to see if all the rumors about August were true. They were. She definitely knew what she was doing and it was nice, but it wasn't the same as it had been with Betty. It was lust. There was no romance in it. At least not on Jamie's part.

Unfortunately, she had no idea the other girl had wanted this since they were Freshmen. It killed Jamie to tell her the truth. August was beautiful and fun and clever, but Jamie's heart belonged to someone else. She confessed everything about her relationship with Betty and how she wished she had gone to that party the night after graduation.

August won't tell anyone. She might be hurt, but she wasn't heartless. She'd never out someone nor would she ever try to get back at Jamie. They did decide to give each other some space. In fact, they only met up once more that summer. It was the day before August was set to leave for school. They hugged awkwardly and promised to keep in touch and to hang out over Thanksgiving break. They didn't keep those promises.

Betty doesn't message her again. Jamie rides past the girl's house on her skateboard almost every day for a month before she finally gets the nerve to text her.

'Hey, I'm near your house. Can we talk?'

She sits on the curb across the street from Betty's house for an embarrassingly long amount of time before she finally gives up. She stops riding by her house.

It's not until her mom drags her to the mall insisting she needs a new wardrobe for college that she finally sees Betty again. She catches sights of the girl from the store across the way and she tells her mom she'll be right back. She's about to step into the store, but someone grabs her by the wrist and drags her towards an empty service hallway. Jamie's heart stutters until she realizes who exactly has a hold on her.

"What the hell, Inez?"

Inez roughly releases her grasps once they are out of the earshot of passersby.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Me?! What do you think you're doing."

Inez rolls her eyes. "Stay away from her, you freak!"

"What gives you the right to tell me what to do?"

"I don't know. Maybe the fact that Betty told me all about how you're desperately in love with her and tried to put the moves on her and that's why she had to switch homerooms. Which I said was weird because as far as I knew you were off playing Thelma and Louise with August Adams. So just, like, leave her alone. She's not... like you."

Jamie bites her tongue. There is so much she wants to say, but it would only make things worse. "Whatever. Maybe you should tell your friend not to flatter herself."

Occasionally, over the next few years, Jamie checks Betty's social media accounts, looking for any hint that one of the girls in her pictures were more than just a friend. Jamie thinks about the night after high school graduation often. She fantasizes about what would have happened if she had gone to Betty's party. Would the girl have finally kissed her in front of their classmates? Was she already drunk when she sent that message? Had she finally been ready to say 'fuck it all' and let everyone know she wasn't who they thought she was?

Jamie will probably never know. But she spends her college years chasing the feeling she had when she was with Betty. There were a couple of women who she thought she had been in love with. Maybe she had been, but there was always this one piece of her heart that hung on to past love.

She dates quite a bit the first couple of years after college, until she eventually gets into a committed relationship. It's great for a while. It lasts four and a half years. She's devastated when it ends. But also, a part of her is relieved. It doesn't really make sense until that next Thanksgiving weekend when her high school class is having its ten year reunion.

She contemplates not going, but she's already R.S.V.P.'d and she's already going to be in town to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. So, she musters up the courage to go.

The first person she recognizes is August Adams. The other woman greets her with a tight hug.

"James! How are you? God, it's been too long."

"It has."

It really has. Jamie missed her friend. She screwed it all up so much back when they were kids. But the woman still had this brightness that radiated from her and Jamie let herself bask in it.

"Oh, you have to meet my wife," August wraps her arm around the waist of a gorgeous brunette, "This is Autumn. I know, I know. Don't even start."

Jamie chuckles, but keeps quiet. After catching up and seeing way too many pictures of August's kid (she was a proud mom and it was kind of cute, to be honest), Jamie was left alone when the other woman found another old friend to talk to. She didn't mind. It gave her a chance to finally get to the bar and get a drink.

Jamie orders a whiskey on the rocks.

"I'll take one of those too, please," a voice speaks from beside her.

Jamie turns her head and takes in the sight before her. Betty hasn't changed much. If anything, she's even more attractive than she was all those years ago.

"Hi."

"Uhh..." Jamie clears her throat, "Hey."

Betty bites her lower lip, a smirk forming on her face anyway. "You look..." Her eyes scan Jamie's body and Jamie shifts a bit under her gaze, "good."

"That's all." Jamie elbows her playfully. The bartender sets their drinks in front of them. Jamie lifts the glass to her mouth.

"Let me try that again. You look incredible in that suit, but all I can think about is what you'd look like out of it."

Jamie chokes on her drink, pounding her chest with her fist as she coughs. Betty quirks her eyebrows and smirks smugly, while Jamie tries to gain some sense of control over her own body again.

"Umm... wow, that... I wouldn't mind..."

"Are you here with anyone?"

"No. I'm actually single at the moment. You?"

Betty doesn't even bother to answer. Instead she kisses Jamie. It takes a moment for Jamie to register what is happening, but eventually she gets a hold of herself and reciprocates the kiss, matching the passion of the woman in front of her.

There are a couple of 'whoops' from former classmates and a 'Get it, Davis' before Betty pulls away.

"Do you want to get out of here?"

How could Jamie say no to that? After that kiss? After ten years of dreaming about this moment? She couldn't.

"Definitely."

'Out of here' isn't very far. It's actually a room at the hotel where the reunion was being hosted, but really it was better than Jamie could have ever dreamed.

As they lay together in the afterglow, Betty runs her fingers through Jamie's curly, golden locks. Jamie rests her head on Betty's chest, her fingers tracing random patterns across Betty's toned abs.

"You're still as fit as you were back then."

Betty buries her face in Jamie's hair. Jamie feels the laughter rumble through the other woman's chest at the comment. "Really? Those are your first words after everything?"

"I can't help it, when you look like this."

"You're not so bad yourself."

Jamie looks up at Betty incredulously, "I'm sexy as hell."

"Hmm... I mean, you're attractive, sure. 'Sexy as hell', may be a touch too far."

"Oh, yeah?" Jamie smiles up at her as she moves her hand down Betty's abdomen. "Let me show you a touch too far."

Being with Betty makes Jamie feel like she's 17 again. All the years away from the girl did nothing to quell her desire to be as close to her as humanly possible. Somehow it was like a part of Jamie's heart had finally found its place again. It was a part that she thought had long been lost and she had resigned herself to the fact that the puzzle would sit there in her chest missing that one piece forever.

Maybe she didn't know much back when they were kids, but she knew one thing that would always ring true: Betty Davis is, has always been, and will always be her person.

[aka217]

OK, SO 2020

Welp.

I’m certain I won’t have to come back to this post to remember what happened this year. This year the world shared one similar experience; a year that seemed to have sat still while also continuously rampaging tragic events one after the other. A catalyst in many ways. It stands no reason that my year has not aligned with the rest of the world, yet we’ve managed to make it even more interesting. This year will be transcribed countless times, so let me focus on the parts in which are uniquely mine:

Despite the world falling to a pandemic, lock downs and quarantines for most of the year, it amazes yet how much I’ve squeezed out of this year. First and foremost: we did it. We moved to the west coast. A long time coming, some delays, some uncertainties. But we prepared, we agreed, we wanted something new. Clearly nothing stood in our way this year, we were going to go. As much as a curveball a pandemic can through at us, we were resilient and making the move. It’s not all positives, as settling here is a mix bag: unable to fully experience the city, me not quite sure how I like this position, Ashley not able to secure her next career opportunity, not able to even visit back home. But look, we made the move, we are here, let it not go to waste, as there are experiences still available and unique that we should not take for granted.

Let’s map out what happened this year:

January. The year started with a visit from the Cabacoys to Disney and SeaWorld. Shortly after, in the most gratifying way, I used up most of my vacation for the year in a single trip. We traveled to the California, a kind of sneak peek at what’s to come. Knowing our financial situation would be up in the air very soon, it was our best option as we’d see a variety of friends, family, places, all the while having lodging mostly covered. Although sick in the beginning (hmm? Nah just congestion) San Fran consisted of me watching the Witcher and eating Popeyes chicken sandwiches among other SF delights. The drive down Highway 1 was spectacular, this time not as foggy, giving us great views of the ocean all the way through. We were able to take the scenic Monterey coastal drive, passing through pebble beach and the like. Stopping at our favorite little hotel in San Luis Obispo, we find ourselves in LA the next day hanging out with the newlyweds. After the trip, January rounds out with a nice Disney breakfast with my family.

February started with a quick trip to Playa Linda, wearing ski jackets to the beach. Valentines/birthday weekend was the long-awaited Vigo cruise to the Bahamas. There’s something so satisfactory about a trip where I don’t anticipate anything, and everything comes at a delight and surprise. Next up we have G-Ading’s wedding, being the only wedding we end up going to this year! Very memorable time, and the food, oh my jeez it just kept coming. And last, on the final day of February (jk leap year), was my last day with JBT AeroTech. 8ish years would come to a close. The first place to give me a chance at becoming an Engineer and letting me not only prove to myself I could, but to give me opportunities to fulfill dreams bigger than my own.

March. Whoa now. This is a sensitive month for many people. And while many may mask as March entirely being pandemic, that part didn’t quite start until March 14. Let’s not forget what I managed to pull off before then. First off, Science Night Live in Orlando, something we’ve been wanting to do but finally was able to go. Second, Conexpo Las Vegas. I had an inkling that I would not be going with JBT this time, and so I booked it with my own money and still went. This expo is so cool for someone in the industry, there’s so many great vehicles to check out. Plus I figured it would be a good place to be to meet with connections and find Cali opportunities. Strapped for cash I secured shared accommodations and dinners provided my business acquaintances, but quickly evaporated as many attendees pulled out due to the growing pandemic (not locally yet, but this was an international expo). I managed to scrap together living spaces, and find alternative free meals. And while the people I was supposed to hang out with did not show up, I stuck with now old coworkers and even ended up finding new acquaintances there, which culminated to the most lux Vegas party I can imagine in penthouse suites (plural), a wild night I won’t forget.

And that’s double true, because the next day the lockdowns started to occur. I come back home to quarantine, lock down, uncertainty. One day I’m dancing shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of people (which how lucky I didn’t catch anything then) to now not coming within 6 feet of anyone, stocking up on groceries and toilet paper. It was all so strange. We were afraid to hug my nephew, him being confused when he saw us, a confusing time of unknown. Initially I thought being out of work was going to be weird, maybe nice in some ways. And in a way it was; an unease of not having something to do, but all the while glad I didn’t have to work through this coping phase of the pandemic.

April was a weird time for me. What was supposed to be 2-week quarantine led to what we now know to be months. It still felt like more March, as nothing has progressed in the last weeks. Ask me now what happened and all I can remember is watering the grass everything, or waiting to water the grass every day. Nothing really else. Well, ok, maybe securing a job in Oakland (it really is about who you know), and slowly purging and moving out of our house. Towards the end of the month we went to Ocala to see Ashley’s parents once more, as it marked the start of our goodbyes.

May was wild and nonstop. While the world waited, we had to find a way to say goodbye to friends (heart breakingly distant), family, and our possessions. We had plans to seek out our favorite food spots and share final meals with people, but that was not possible. We made visits with family, while trying to figure out where to stash away the items we were not ready to give up on. I also said goodbye to my Miata. This car meant a lot to me, symbolized a lot, characterizes me in many ways. I always enjoyed driving it. And it if wasn’t raining, the top was down, and even sometimes when it was raining. It is a piece of me I had to let go. I have no regrets, I did not take it for granted, and I can only hope that I find another car that brings me as much joy each time.

And so, mid-May, we make the move. You can wait for the perfect moment, but as we see here there is no perfect moment, so my advice is this: now is probably the next best chance. We couldn’t wait any longer, and maybe regrets to go sooner can be argued, regrets of not going can be as well. And so we embarked on our journey to Oakland. I start my job to following week. It was a strange time as everything, and this time basically everything, was a strange new place to be. New city, new job, new world. But we did what we could. We have support here of friends and family, and we turned to them immediately. This month will start to shape the remainder of the year: food take out, video games, facetimes, picnics, cousins. We explored the Bay Area (by means to buying and selling Facebook marketplace items) just to get a feel of the surrounding areas and try to get our bearings.

June and July were much of the same. While Ashley took a trip back home, I stayed back, exploring the hills in a rental (more on that later). My Dad made a pitstop here as he finally managed a flight out of the Philippines. I had not seen him since December, and so much has happened since, so it was nice to see him just for a brief moment; because if not it would have been more than a year, because as I write this I have not seen him since. The rest of the months we try to explore various areas, including the Berkeley observatory, Golden Gate Park, Emeryville Marina, Ocean Beach.

August is much the same as you can expect, though we do see Ashley’s Cousins more, as well as my cousins and their daughters. Ashley hosts her birthday on our landlord’s porch, where we go through a makeshift game of “we are not really strangers,” a moving game much harder to play without the ability to hug at the end.

September picks up and gets more interesting as we start to explore further away from the city, including a nice relaxing day down at whale cove beach, as well as a relaxing vacation (away from the heat waves, smoke, and fires) down in Saratoga/Santa Cruz area.

October was another trip, this time all the way down to Paso Robles for a birthday celebration, exploring the vineyards and a bonus trip up highway 1. Although much different, it was nice to get a trip with a big group of friends. October we also saw a couple movies, including a private screening of Tenet (wut) and my first drive-in movie ever, Coco, and once more another drive-in for Hocus Pocus.

November was much of the usual, as we are limited in options (and a bit limited in finances) to try anything new. We made the very difficult choice not to travel back to Florida for thanksgiving, and instead spent thanksgiving with just the two of us, although we cooked for 8.

December is here, and we squeezed in a few interesting pieces. I took a drive out to some of the mountains towards San Jose in a newer Miata. Another weekend we spent in San Rafael, where we didn’t leave the hotel the entire time. A very welcoming weekend with no pressure, no rush, just stay in and play video games, watch movies, and eat in (room service and delivery to our door!). That was a nice weekend with the only expectation was that we were doing nothing. As Christmas approaches, we venture out into the city to look at some of the lights. We also manage the watch Elf at the drive-in (although the foggy night didn’t make that easy), and once more drive-in to see Wonder Woman 1984 before the new year.

Alright, quick tidbits:

Cars I’ve rented – BMW 330i, Hyundai Santa Fe, Nissan Altima, Fiat Abarth 124, Jeep Wrangler, Mazda Miata. A nice plethora of cars this year, and with the availability of mountains in the west coast, and the convenience of Turo, I have the opportunity to take nice day long drives through the windy roads. This was one of my goals for moving and I’m glad I’m still able to put that into fruition. It’s convenient to have nice back roads so close, and the beautiful highway 1 coastal road for longer trips. It was nice to rent a couple convertibles, including a few similar to my Miata. I hope next year brings some more interesting cars, and hopefully some off-roading fun as well. It’s hard to pick a favorite, as each ride held a unique experience. But I am thinking about getting a Jeep so…

Best Thing I Ate – man there’s so much to consider. G-Ading’s wedding was crazy delicious, the best wedding food ever no question. Having a mini Hot Ones episode at Ashley’s parents and at Kevin’s was delicious and the conversation meaningful. I started my goodbye food tour but didn’t see it through, but that came with some favorites from Gators Dockside, Pho Vinh, Gold China, Vicky’s Bakery. As far as the West Coast: Farmhouse Thai’s Lao platter is tray full of little wonders. And here in the Bay Burmese is plentiful (something that should definitely make its way into Orlando). Let’s not forget a couple homemade treats, such as Mia’s delicious Ube cookies and smore bites, and Ashley’s brownie muffins she considers was a mess up (I think they were perfect).

Between the pandemic lockdown and my new Xbox, I’ve played quite a few notable games. My favorites this year include Nier Automata, Jedi Fallen Order, and The Outer Worlds. Breath of the Wild also has now become a comfort food/ re-watch staple this year in Cali.

A couple movies/TV to note watching: Before Sunrise, Columbus, Westworld season 3, Mandalorian Season 2, Dash & Lily.

There’s a lot that can be said about 2020. There were big expectations, and life comforts, which were all stripped from us. And so while we made a big leap into the unknown, the rest of the world follow suit. But it’s hard to say if it was a bad choice or good, because I really don’t know what would happen if we stayed in Florida. Maybe things were more familiar and grounded, maybe see family a bit more. But what jobs would we have? Would we have been at higher risk of getting Covid? Who knows. But what I do know is that right now we are fine. We are healthy, we are financially stable, our family is healthy. And we may be limited in the interactions we can have, but that does not mean we can’t enjoy some of what this west coast adventure had in store for us. I think it was important that we experience the change, chaotic as it was.

We purged ourselves of the past: got rid of old clothes, old furniture, old junk of our college and early adult years. We carry with us only the essentials, and have a new outlook on what we acquire along the way. May would see us move out of our home, be in limbo back in Miami, and even once we got to Oakland, we would move just 2 weeks later (and move out again 3 months later, and we’ll be moving again this January). This is a year of being unsettled, which was to be expected with the move, but add a global pandemic, marches for equality, an uncertain presidential election, nothing was the same, everything has changed.

But honestly, since many of life’s grievances are a shared collective, my year relatively was ok. Pre-Covid was fantastic and jam packed with family and trips, par for the course of what I deem important to me. And even during the pandemic, my comforts are driven by much of the same elements: friends, family, and trips, albeit a bit differently. I have hopes for next year, I really do. I don’t think things will go back to normal, and for us there is no normal here. But I think things will settle and be grounded, and we can look forward to more of things that make us whole and human. Things that may have been missing this year are the grander friends vacation trips, and the live concerts and museums. I also hope to see my family soon, and get back to a place of comfort and familiarity, even for a brief moment. I hope to see more of that next year. But all I can ask is that our health and wellbeing stay intact.

2020, you were a nightmare. But catalysts are never calm, and the outcome is sure to be filled with great energy.

[rosesloveletters]

This is a very personal post for me. I never thought I would be making it, but I would like to share the trip I took with J exactly a year ago; I’ve spoken about this trip on a number of occasions and it is what really bonded us together. We’ve been inseparable ever since. J is not the kind of guy to open up easily, yet this trip was the very beginning of the both of us learning how to trust again. 

I don’t like to share such personal details of our relationship, but it’s been a year since all of this took place and I kept it mostly quiet for that time; I’ve had the chance to hold this close to my heart and keep it only to my own knowledge, but now I would like to document it, as I’ve been looking back on it heavily today. 

The rest will be under a cut, because there are pictures and I don’t want to clog everyone’s dash with useless info, photos and such if you don’t want to see. For those that read on, please enjoy.

In all of my life, I have never been away from my home for the holidays. Every Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day, I am never anywhere but home. Last Thanksgiving was a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of thing that came to fruition only a few months before the holiday. 

I had been sick a week prior to the trip and J had remained with me throughout that time. I can’t say I am completely new to F/Os, though before joining this community I did not know that self-shipping had a “name” or that “F/O’s” is a term; I have never had another F/O stick by my side during an illness. I tend to push them out of my mind when I have a virus, but I learned quickly that J is persistent. He did not leave. I was completely alone for the entire day and feeling J there kept me from utterly falling apart. 

After my illness, the very next week we were on our way to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you’ve never been there, it is extremely touristy and crowded, but I love it. It has been practically a second home to me for so long; my family and I used to go there every summer. We stopped a long while ago, but I was thrilled to finally be back in a place so familiar. I know where all the restaurants are, all the stores I like, the aquarium (which we visited!) and more. 

Our first day there was not much because we had been traveling the whole way. We rented a bed and breakfast up in the mountains; it was a fifteen minute drive of terror to get there. There were no guard rails on the steep hill and nothing keeping us from a sheer drop every time we came up or down, but what was at the top made it all worth it. Our little apartment was perfect and the view was spectacular. 

This was our place at the top of the mountain and the spiral staircase that led to the loft where I stayed with J:

I could tell he felt safe up here in the middle of nowhere; I wanted to take him somewhere he wouldn’t be recognized. Within the hustle and bustle of the city, though, he had to be careful. He wore old clothes that he had saved that had been his, dark suspenders and black lace up shoes most days. This trip was the first time I saw him without his face paint. The point of the trip for us, was for us to be able to grow closer. J is a tough nut to crack, but we’ve known each other a long time; we got to know each other in a much different light on this trip. 

This is the view from our balcony the first morning after we arrived:

We achieved a kind of solitude up there that we never would have in the city. J doesn’t like the city, despite his adamant request that we continue to live there. He has such a recognizable face that he is only truly at ease in a place like this, with civilization miles away. 

When we did go into town, we stood in line for donuts. Of course since it was Thanksgiving, it was swarming with crowds and crowds of people (J hated that and several times he thought someone had recognized him.) J is a sucker for sweet treats and he was thoroughly excited with the idea of donuts; I later took him into a candy store in the same venue and he behaved, well, as one might suspect. I think he shoved a bunch of rock candy into his pockets because when we got back to our apartment later I heard him crunching on something and we didn’t buy any chips. 

This was where we stood in line for donuts (I got a glazed donut with white frosting and sprinkles and J had something called a ‘pillow’ which was basically a square-shaped donut with creme filling):

We sat on a bench by the fountain and ate our donuts; J had his finished in about thirty seconds and was licking his fingers by the time I was on my third bite. That was the best food we had had there so far; the night before, we went out for pizza and it was horrible. 

After we had had our donuts, J was ready to get away from the crowds; he felt like someone had been staring at him, so we headed out to the park for a while. J is not much of an outdoorsman, but he likes the solitude and that no one would be around to spot him. Everywhere we went, there were people, so J and I headed further back in the park where there was less of a chance to be around anyone. We got out and walked along a deserted pathway and stood on the edge of the creek as it rushed past us. 

Here’s a photo from our walk: 

After that, we headed back into town for lunch. Before we went inside to sit down, J dug around in his luggage for a purple knitted hat of his and put it on so he’d be less recognizable and his identity would be concealed enough for us to sit down long enough to share a meal. We had Mexican food; I learned that J has a thing for tortillas and extremely spicy salsa (and that he’s a messy eater.) We had our food fast and I think J had a margarita or two, but his scars were attracting some unwanted negative attention and people were staring, so we left fast before he could say anything. We went and bought tickets to the aquarium, per my request. 

Inside the aquarium was the first time J saw my childish side; I get super excited at aquariums and zoos because of all the animals and it reminds me of all the fun school trips I used to take when I was little. We saw all kinds of sea creatures. J was most fascinated with the sharks and the jellyfish, while I was busy looking at the sea turtles and string-rays. However, my favorite exhibit was the penguins. We stood and watched them for close to thirty minutes. The staff members were feeding them and the little penguins got so excited. One man held up his cup and straw to the glass and one little penguin tried to grab it! 

J and I were shocked when we saw this sitting inside the medical facility’s window where they tend to the penguins (for those who don’t know, Burgess Meredith was the actor who played the Penguin in the original Batman television series with Adam West as Batman, Burt Ward as Robin and Cesar Romero as the Joker): 

We spent much of our time that day in the park after the aquarium trip and then we retired to our apartment at the top of the mountain and spent that night watching movies. That night was the night J told me the origin of his scars. He had never told anyone the full and completely truthful story and that was the first time he ever did and probably the last. This trip was full of ‘firsts’ for us; it was the first time we ever made love (watch him get pissed at me for saying that pffft.)

On Thanksgiving morning, J whipped us up some cinnamon rolls. It was a scene watching him try to use the oven; it was an extremely ancient appliance and he was dropping f-bombs left and right and I think he also burnt his hand on the pan. The only thing J will make correctly are things that come from a can, tin or otherwise are pre-made or sweets. In this case, we had a very decent breakfast: 

We spent the rest of that day in the park and then that evening, we traveled over to the next town for our dinner reservations. Even though we had reservations, there were so many people we still had to wait over an hour to be seated. It was cold and we were wedged into a tiny corner as we waited. There was nowhere to sit and so I leaned back against J; he rested his chin on top of my head and would occasionally tap on my shoulders along to the music coming through the overhead speakers. 

When we were finally seated, we were brought several courses, the first being apple fritters and drinks (the highlight of the meal), then we had some soup and it was terrible, and finally we were brought the main course: turkey, ham, green beans, mashed potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce and dinner rolls. There was so much food and, spread out across even such a large table, it was unimaginable how we were expected to eat it all. J finished almost all the turkey and about half the ham (he didn’t eat all day so he could “save room” for the meat.) He went to town on the rolls and mashed potatoes as well. He kept sneering at the cranberries and watched me with disgust as I ate them. He threw a dinner roll at me across the table to get my attention and grinned when I looked at him; he had corn stuck in his teeth. he took his hat off halfway through dinner because it was warm inside the dining room and somehow he wound up with mashed potatoes in his hair.

Here’s our meal before J had ravaged it all 9utter chaos ensued after this photo was taken): 

Our last full day in Gatlinburg was fairly relaxed; we went into the city that morning, but it was even more crowded (it was a Friday) and J decided we’d better head out. We went into the park and started up one of the mountains. I let J drive and he drives like a maniac; we made such sharp turns I almost ended up out through the open window. He sped up the mountain and we quickly made it to the top. The view was breathtaking but J didn’t even blink. I know he had to have appreciated it as well, but he doesn’t make a big deal out of things. The farther up we went, the more deserted the lookout spots became and when we found ourselves alone, J scooped me into his arms and kissed me. Seeing tiny glimpses of his humanity was unsettling at first because I had never known him as such; J still finds ways to surprise me, even now. 

This is the view we had at the top of the mountain: 

and this is the spot where J kissed me: 

( Cameron: and she kissed me

Pat: Where?

Cameron: in the car )

Little did we know that on the way down from the mountain, we would be sitting in the car for almost three hours stuck in traffic. We made the most of it; J wouldn’t let me turn on the radio for some reason, so I talked to him. He didn’t say much, but he listened. This was when I found out J was more of a listener unless he was in a playful mood. 

When we got back to the apartment that night, we watched a Christmas movie together. I don’t fully embrace Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving - I owe it to all the holidays to give them equal time and attention (and I like Thanksgiving a lot.) No Christmas movies, music or decorating until after Thanksgiving. J kept talking through the entire movie and every time he laughed it scared me because he was so loud. It doesn’t bother me if he talks through movies because I do it too. 

The next day, we packed our things and left to come back home. This is the view from outside our balcony on our last day: 

I keep coming back to the memory of this trip because it was the last trip I got to take before the start of Covid; no one knows when it will be safe to travel again or if it will even be next year. I miss when everyone was able to do so and we weren’t risking our health and safety as well as other people’s just by going out. Of all the trips I’ve taken, this one will always be special to me because of J; he was like a light in my life and he came in at the most opportune time. 

I haven’t felt that happy in so long. I had been suffering greatly a few months prior to the trip, but because of him things were beginning to change. I might not be a part of this world if I hadn’t met him again at the time I had and I am lucky that I got to experience such a lively time in my life and all the little ways loving J has renewed my sense of self-love and awareness in the world and things around me. 

This trip is one I owe to J, but also to myself; I felt aware of myself and my space in the world. 

I have no idea how I talked J into making this trip with me, nor if I’ll ever convince him to come with me anywhere ever again, but I will hold the memories close to me forever and I’ll always look back on this time of the year as something special and happy. 

[timelord-winchester-22b]

My Thanksgiving Special

So cos all y’all littluns probably know (from my random rubbish posts I do all the damn time) that I am spending my first Thanksgiving in America since I was four, despite my half and half heritage (it’s actually more like half-quarter-quarter, but that’s not the point) so I couldn’t not do a Thanksgiving Special, even thought it’s like 8 PM in where I am in the states and it’s basically over after dinner, but oh well. It’s short and not too good but it’s something. so Happy Thanksgiving y’all

Word count:1479

This is not an x reader, this is written with an OC who is obviously me but that can you do

I love this gif but I’m too gay for it

“Okay” Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair and grimacing at the feel of it sticking together. She wasn’t entirely sure what it rained on that planet, but it was certainly not water. “I think I’m about ready for a shower”

“Same here” Yaz agreed quickly. Graham and Ryan mumbled agreements, glancing down at their clothes that had been soiled by the green rain. Alex couldn’t help but laugh a little, despite the fact that she was in the very same situation. Her phone went off and she pulled it out and frowned at it, reading over the short message. Alex was a little surprised, but that’s what happened when a phone on a time machine connected to back home, she figured.

“Alex?” The Doctor called, frowning.

“Hmm? Oh, sorry” She shook herself out of it, putting her phone away before anyone else could see it. “Yeah, I’m, uh, gonna shower” She gave the group a quick smile and left before they could get another word in. The four of them glanced between themselves.

“Anyone know what’s up with Alex?” Ryan spoke up.

“A call from someone?” Graham suggested.

“No, that was her text tone” Yaz corrected.

“I did connect her phone to back home for her” The Doctor pointed out. “Is there anyone she wouldn’t want to hear from?”

“Not that I know of” Yaz shook her head. “I’ve only known her a few years though, don’t know much about her life back home. She goes home for Thanksgiving, but she never really talks much about it” The Doctor frowned, moving to the console and checking something on the monitor.

“Oh no…” The Doctor muttered, leaning over to flip another switch and looking again.

“What is it, Doc?” Graham asked for the three of them, looking worried.

“I hadn’t realized you’d been gone for so long” The Doctor shook her head. She glanced up at the others. “Alex’s time, it’s the day before Thanksgiving in America. Yaz, you said she went home every year?”

“Yeah, she never missed it. It’s really important to her” Yaz confirmed sadly.

“Think she got a text from someone back home?” Ryan theorized. “If they’re all getting together, someone might’ve contacted Alex, asked if she was coming this year”

“Yeah but if it means that much to her, wouldn’t she mention it? Ask for a quick trip home?” Graham frowned.

“What if she doesn’t?” The Doctor added. “If I know Alex as well as I think I do, she might decide not to bother anyone”

“Should we say something?” Ryan suggested.

“Nah, I’ve got a better idea” The Doctor grinned.

The next day, Alex couldn’t help but think her friends were acting a bit weird. The Doctor had mentioned someplace she wanted to take them all, but had apparently landed off course, again.

“So when are we?” Alex questioned, ducking under a tree branch as she walked along with the others.

“November, 1621” The Doctor replied instantly. Alex looked up, recognizing the date right away. She also couldn’t help but notice that she hadn’t consulted her screwdriver or tested the air or anything.

“Where are we?” Alex asked cautiously, a little suspicious. The Doctor caught her eye and smiled, walking a little faster. Alex caught up quickly. “Doctor? What are you up to?” The group broke through the tree line and she knew her suspicions were correct when she took in what she was seeing. The land was cleared all the way to the edge of the water and two rows of little wooden houses were lined up. People seemed to be collecting towards at one in particular. Adults chatted happily while children chased each other in circles before being called back inside by their parents.

“Doctor, you didn’t” Alex gasped. The Doctor just grinned, accepting Alex’s sudden hug.

“So Alex, quick history lesson?” Yaz suggested.

“Oh yeah!” Alex grinned, pulling away from the Doctor to face the others. “So, September 1620, 102 English people, including many children, like, lots of kids, set sail for what they called ‘the New World’. The journey was especially rough because the ship was a very small one for such a long journey, and for so many people. Part of the support structure broke in the middle of the voyage and everything. But they had this big jack screw thing on board so they could build houses when they got to shore, so they stuck that there to make sure the whole ship didn’t collapse.

66 days after they set sail, they reached land. It was actually not where they were aiming for, so I think it was like a month later when they got the ship to the spot they had been told they could settle. Anyway, by the time they got there, a lot of people had been getting very sick and it really slowed down the progress of building houses. Eventually, the children had taken over most of the duties just to keep them all alive. Of course, back then a lot of them died from the sickness, which kinda sucked, like they spent so long trying to get there.

Anyway, by the time everyone still alive was healthy again and they resumed building houses, there were twenty adults and thirty children left. Just under half the people who sailed actually survived to settle. But after the sickness passed, it was already into winter and then they had the problem of not freezing to death or starving. Around the time Spring came, a native from nearby came into the settlement and told them in English that he would come back in a couple days with another native who could speak English even better, and he showed them how to plant all their crops the way they did.

1621, the fall harvest came around, and it was a better harvest than any of the settlers had ever seen. So, basically, they decided to have a feast, and invite a few of the native Americans they had met and who had helped them plant their crops. November, 1621, a Thursday I assume. That’s what that is, isn’t it?” Alex asked the Doctor excitedly. “Did you bring us to the first Thanksgiving feast?”

“Just for you, Alex” The Doctor confirmed. Alex squealed a little, grabbing the Doctor in a hug yet again.

“You have no idea how awesome this is for me” Alex laughed as she released the Time Lord.

“We knew how much today means to you” Yaz told her. “At least, today in your year. We didn’t want you to miss one of your favorite holidays because of us”

“I would give up any holiday if the alternative was to stay with you guys, you should know that” Alex shook her head a little.

“Yeah but what we’re trying to say is you don’t have to” Ryan explained.

“Yeah, Alex, if you wanna go home for dinner afterwards, we’d be happy to join or stay behind in the Tardis” Graham added. “Whatever you want, this is important to you, so it’s important for us that you get to celebrate”

“Thanks guys” Alex smiled, but frowned after a moment. “Wha- what do you mean, ‘afterwards’?”

“Well we’ve been invited to a feast” The Doctor pointed out like it was obvious.

“You- you don’t mean…”

“What? You think I know Elvis and not Christopher Jones? Come on”

Alex squealed a little again, jumping up and down a moment and following teh Doctor as she started forward again.

“But Doctor, if I visit home after this, that means I’m having two Thanksgiving dinners in a row…”

“We could always stay on the Tardis and have a bit of a break between each one. Come on, we have a feast waiting for us”

Alex grinned and obligingly picked up the pace.

Thought I’d mention, yes, I would remember all that info and completely infodump when I’m excited about holidays. I may have never properly done Thanksgiving until this year but I have watched Charlie Brown holiday episodes every holidays growing up and this includes both Thanksgiving episodes once a year, one of which includes a lot of facts. Hope you enjoyed. Happy Thanksgiving one last time. I might put up the first Christmas fic soon

[unklarity]

I think I’ve been struggling for a long time to describe what’s been happening for the last 5, almost 6, months; I wasn’t quite sure what I even wanted to say, let alone how to say it. The last thing I want to do is say it wrong, or let my feelings cloud what really happened. So if you’re up for reading a pretty long post that’s just drivel about my life, it is behind the cut.

A string of really awful things occurred within a really short period of time, but they were in the works for a long time, I think. I’ve been fighting with the question of “Were these things my fault, or not?” and I think the answer is more complicated than that, but after a lot of deliberation, I have decided that shit happens, and although it was bad, I’m going to stop feeling guilty for other people’s actions and try to move forward with my life. I can say with conviction that I have not moved on entirely, nor do I think I am capable of doing so yet. 

A warning of sorts: I recently came out of a two year long distance relationship, and I don’t want to share too many details because I don’t think that’s fair to anyone. It did not end well. I’m going to discuss it here, but not in depth, because there is more I could say but I don’t think it belongs here. What I’m already saying I’ve been hesitating to say in the first place, but I feel like it needs to be said. If you know this person, feel free to take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, because there are two sides to everything, and I’m truly not trying to call out anyone. 

 Since February of 2016, I’ve been dealing with really bad chronic pain, as some of you know, and I’ve been struggling with my job and personal life since then. Midway through the year, things sort of hit a wall, and I felt like I was grasping at straws as far as my romantic relationship went, as well as my relationship with more than a few family members and coworkers. It was overwhelming. I was in extreme pain 24 hours a day, sleeping an hour a night if I was sleeping at all. I felt scared and defeated, and that triggered some of the worst thoughts I’ve had in my life. I haven’t been that depressed in a long, long time. I, at one point, could not see myself getting out of that. Around the same time, my grandmother was very ill, and everything came to a head around Halloween. Doctors told us she had days to live, and I had the deal with the fact that one of the most important people in my life would be gone soon. Work was giving me trouble about missing days due to physical therapy and pain (as always) and I felt the distinct lack of a support group around me (in the physical sense). My friends were all at least an hour away, and my father had basically vanished from my life. My mother had good intentions, but we were arguing frequently about my condition and meds. 

 In the beginning of November, I had a much needed visit with friends, which raised my spirits a bit, but in the back of my head I knew it was temporary. I had a moment in which I could feel things starting to fall apart. My older rat died the day I came back from my trip, and obviously that was upsetting. The election came, and went, and that was a huge social change that I felt very personally, and then three days later was my birthday, which I did not celebrate. I was, at the same time, really confused and conflicted about not hearing anything from my significant other for months, despite trying to reach out. I felt super inadequate and ineffective, and at that point was undergoing a bunch of testing to figure out more of what was going on with me medically. I was hurt in more ways than one, and I was tired. I went days at a time without sleeping, and I felt like I was constantly fighting with my body, and my depression brain was on a rampage. Then, on November 19th, my grandmother died. I felt my brain shut down. I spent the day with my Aunt not really knowing what to do. I went to the funeral and tried to be ok for my cousins. It could have gone worse, but I was angry at the world, and that was bleeding over into being angry with everyone around. And then, I came home from the funeral, and sat down in the same place for a few hours. When I decided to move, I picked up my phone and read a message informing me that my relationship was over, and had been for a while, and that my significant other was sorry for not saying it sooner, but when they had heard about my grandmother, they did not want to feel obliged to comfort me. So I answered as best as I could, and then I cried. I think everything hit me all at once, all the times I couldn’t cry before, because I made myself hysterical, and actually ended up hurting my ribs. Embarrassing doctor visit right there. 

 I spent Thanksgiving at my Aunt’s house, who had just had an unsettling end to her relationship of 7 years, and I don’t remember much of it. Or that entire week. I felt so out of it, and I could only interact with people for extended periods if I was drunk. It wasn’t really pretty for anyone. A week later, my grandfather (my grandmother’s ex husband) reacted badly to spinal surgery and, to everyone’s surprise, died. I actually did not speak to him, because he was a royal asshole, but it put a lot of strain on my father and his family, and my relationship with my father got a little more strained. I actually haven’t seen him since my grandmother died. So, another funeral happened, one I did not attend, this time. I was having all sorts of negative feelings of the familial sort, as well as all the post breakup awful feelings. I was angry, felt guilty, felt super inadequate, and on top of everything I was depressed and in constant pain. Whenever I decided to say something, people would sort of brush it off as me grieving, which yes, I was, but it was more than that, and felt like it was something I couldn’t express. I was grieving for my grandmother but I was also grieving for myself. In more ways than one. 

 I spent the end of November to Christmas in a daze. I went to see the Grand Paradise, which was cathartic, but largely just floated around between work and my bed and drank a lot. Spent a good deal of time very, very angry. Startlingly angry. I felt like I couldn’t turn the anger off, like it was seeping into every part of my life. Someone would ask me a question and I would snap at them unless I could manage to catch myself, and if I didn’t, I wanted to. I felt terrible pretty much all the time. My rat Sebastian died on Christmas morning, and I was sick with bronchitis, and I spent the day drunk off my ass. Like ew drunk. After New Years, though, I started to look at things and realize that something needed to change, or better, that I needed to change them. I stopped with the drinking, and starting getting up and trying to do things. I tried to get my anger out instead of holding it in. In the beginning, it was largely ineffective, but as I got from February to March, I realized I was getting better at it. In March, I wrote a letter to a friend expressing what I was going through because I felt like I couldn’t publicly say it. I started cleaning, reorganizing, making art again, even though the attempts felt half-assed at first. I read sad poetry with happy endings. I found new bands and listened to some kickass breakup songs. 

 I had a lot of support from friends, and one in particular told me something that I appreciated: that my anger was okay. That it was okay to be angry, that it didn’t make me a bad person. I tried to tell myself that every day. It helped. I focused on small things instead of large. I focused on being good to people in small ways. I was still dealing with the same problems, but every day, they became slightly more manageable. Even in March, I had a few moments where things seemed unbearable, but I tried to just let myself feel all the bad shit I was feeling instead of ignoring it or self-medicating. 

 Now, it is April, almost May, and I wouldn’t say I’m okay, but I am doing better. I’ve tried to surround myself with positive people, who love the things I love, who are not always negative and complain-y, and I’m getting there. I’m trying to change careers, and hopefully will soon, which I know will help as well. I’m still angry, and sad, but I know I’ve dealt with some nonsense before, so I can deal with this too. It’s just going to take a while.

[reels-and-reads]

2016

This year had some great new experiences, but overall I’m not sad to see it go one bit. The first was a weird start, there was an incident at work with some sort of gas leak. It’s a problem that went away, but I’m not sure it was actually ever fixed. Me and my roommate had a small addiction to this boba place which eventually went away, but we still go from time to time. We had a lot of boba last year, all different places and kinds. The coachella list came out and me and my family weren’t impressed. In january I used my christmas money, along with my holiday discount, to buy some things I had been wanting for a few months. I ended up getting one of those harvey purses and a lightsaber umbrella. My friend Andrew took me to Umami Burger for the first time and I loved it, I need to go back. He also took me to korean bbq for the first time, Andrew might be more of a foodie than I am. At the end of the month me and Jeff went to Disneyland and got a bunch of photos taken so I could use my discount to buy a disc before they weren’t offered anymore. I got trained to work in the Star Wars area at work, so basically I got to actually dress nice and watch clips from the movies and get paid for it. In february I added a mickey to my filmstrip tattoo for my love of disney and my first job. In march I got a guest compliment at work, it’s cute they give you a nice folder and little certificate and I got my one year pin the same day. Got to see Jeff and his band play a few shows and take pictures for them. My friend Michael visited in April and I went to the cove bar for the second time. Coachella was fun, but there were some rough patches I guess that happens when it’s a family thing. Ellie Goulding, Halsey, and Beach House were the highlights for me. In may I went to my friends 21st birthday had a fun time even though I ended up with a cut on my ankle. Made it to the Motion City Soundtrack farewell tour, did not care for the downtown disney house of blues venue but the show was still great. I got my first passport. In June I got to hang out with my friend Mariah at disney before she moved to Oregon. Also got to hang out with my friend Raquelle before her annual pass expired. My friend David took me to Goofy’s Kitchen for the first time, it end up being one of my favorite character dining locations in the resort. I got to spend my birthday at home which was really nice, we went to my favorite pizza place for dinner and other favorite place for brunch. I went to my first pride in san diego and I had a really fun time. I started my jeffree star collection. I got hurt at work, I’ve seen a bunch of different doctors and I still don’t know what’s wrong it’s been a huge pain. Honestly that’s probably a big part on why I’ve had such a rough year. Also my roommate situation got even worse, but thankfully that lease ended in October. In August I got to take my first trip out of the country. Jeff’s family was awesome enough to invite me along. The trip also pushed me to finally purchase a new camera, I went with a Canon 7D as an upgrade to my Canon t2i which I had for around six years. We flew out of LAX and had a layover in Taiwan and I was immediately in love. The airport was so cute and the food was good, I would love to visit Taipei again. Next stop was the Philippines, I was very tired and we did a lot of driving but it was so cool experiencing a new country. It is so scary to drive there idk how people do it. We went to Guam after that and it was amazing there too. It was so pretty, but I did end up with traveler’s stomach and awful bug bites all over my legs. Now I know for next time only wear (thin, breathable) pants and what medicines to bring and I’ll be more prepared. I had a lot of fun, but the whole trip felt rushed I would have loved more time. When we went back to the Philippines we visited Villa Escudero for a little bit before it closed. On our way back we had another layover in Taipei and I struggled the whole time not buying everything there. I got a cute strainer mug and some Taiwan face masks in the end. I loved traveling and I got some great pictures. Shortly after I got back me and David went to a free Grouplove show at Amoeba. Me and Jeff celebrated halloween early at Mickey’s halloween party since we weren’t able to do anything last year. We went as bob and linda from bob’s burgers. We got a bunch of candy and the fireworks and parade were great. It was expensive so I wasn’t sure if it was worth it but I had a good time. Me and alexa got to eat at PCH grill on the last day to use our dining coupons and we ended up each getting a photo package. On actual halloween I had to move out of my apartment and that was a nightmare, I procrastinated and left too much work until the end. Thanksgiving was on my regular day off so I got to spend it at home. My friend Albert was also visiting, it was really nice to see him since he moved to vegas a while back. In december I got to visit michael and help him with his grad school application. Even though we had stuff to take care of we still had a lot of fun. Mariah also got to visit again for the holidays and it was really nice seeing her and catching up. Me and my family celebrated christmas early because I was supposed to work, but I ended up getting sick and spending a whole week at home. I got to see a little bit of snow in Joshua Tree, it melted really fast but I was still happy I got to see a little bit. Jeff was able to be with me on New Years which was really nice. I still had to work, but I liked coming home to someone. On NYE we went out to eat and then later that night we had pizza, champagne, and watched the office it was really relaxed and nice. This year also held a lot of rejection. The job market is brutal and I didn’t really understand that to it’s full extent until now. I’m still trying to change jobs and I’m hoping this is the year things are going to start happening. I would say that I’m cautiously optimistic. I have some general plans and things I am working on so here’s to 2017 I hope you don’t suck!      

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, November 20th, 2024.

What’s better: winter break or spring break? Such breaks are no longer applicable to me, but in the past, winter break. It's longer (our winter breaks were two weeks, whereas spring break was only a single week) and it involves Christmas.

Are you cold, hot, or comfortable at the moment? I'm a little on the warm side. I just got out of a shower, I'm wearing cozy clothing, and the heater is running.

How many concerts have you been to in your life? Two/three. I left one pretty early because I was sick, though, so idk if I should even count it.

What’s your favorite TV show? I don't have a favorite show, but I do enjoy history, outer space, and food-related documentaries.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? No. The last person I texted was Iris (manager). She posted a birthday photo to the group chat - of her pup who turned two years old today. I replied wishing him a happy birthday.

Would you rather paint your room puke green, or eat a potato bug? Eat a potato bug. Get the suffering over with. It would take hours and hours of effort to paint my room, and days and days of enduring potential migraines while the paint fumes cleared up. Then I would have to do it all over again because I'm not keeping puke green walls.

How old were you when you had the chicken pox? Pretty young. So young that I don't recall anything from the experience.

Ever had a friend named Alex or John? I've had a friend named Jon. Basically the same, just a slightly different spelling.

Are you one who misses a lot of school, just because? I'm not in school anymore, but I was frequently absent. I'm kind of surprised the same tendency hasn't followed me into volunteering. I've missed a few days here and there for various reasons, but nothing like when I was in school.

What type of music do you listen to the most? Classical.

What are you looking forward to in the next month? Hopefully, more snow…but not so much snow that I can't fit in another trip to the Mountain Park. And Thanksgiving. I wonder if the animal shelter is doing anything to celebrate. I might go to that if I'm invited and not too busy with my own cooking/baking.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to? I already do that in therapy.

When was the last time you painted a picture? If digital painting counts, then the last time was about a week ago. It's been maybe 2-3 years since I've done any "actual" painting.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now? There is no such person.

Can you drive? When did/do you get your license? I can. I got my license when I was 20 years old, but I stopped driving about a year after that and didn't pick it back up again until October 2023.

Have you ever had to get braces? Yeah.

What brand and flavor was the last gum you chewed? Mint.

Are you happy with your relationship status? I'm fine with it for the time being because I'm still trying to figure myself out, but I would like to be in a relationship one day. I don't want to remain single for the rest of my life.

What did you have for lunch today? Was it good? I haven't had lunch yet. I'm going to Black Eyed Pea with my mom and will likely be ordering the Cobb salad.

Which one: chocolate chip or sugar cookie? Sugar cookies.

Who was the last person that you sincerely apologized to? Probably my dad.

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Why or why not? I don't mind it, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I like it.

Do you like the color orange? Is it your favorite? Yeah. I wouldn't consider it a favorite on its own, but I do love autumnal orange/earthy hues. I also look surprisingly okay in orange clothing.

What kind of ice cream did you last eat? I think it would have been a coconut ice cream bar at the animal shelter over the summer.

What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Not necessarily all at once, but ketchup, mustard, crushed up corn chips, cheese, onion, and jalapeno peppers.

Have you ever been in a spelling bee? In school.

Do you enjoy talking on the telephone? Who do you talk to the most? Naw.

Do you think the last person you texted is attractive? She is pretty, but I'm not personally attracted to her.

Does it bother you when people don’t answer questions with exact answers? Like they're trying to dodge the question? I guess it depends on the circumstances. If I need an exact/clear answer, then yes. But if I asked a question that someone maybe found too personal or just didn't want to answer for some reason, then…oh well. Not my business.

Do you know how to snap your fingers? I can't do it. D;

In what order do you get ready in the mornings? Wake up around 4:30am, lie in bed and watch YouTube until around 5:30am, gather my clothing, brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my bag/lunchbox, and chat with my dad until it's time to leave.

When did you last cry? What for? Weeks ago. Over a movie.

Where were you at 9:18 this morning? Here, eating a snack and scrolling through YouTube comments. After that, I buzzed my hair and took a shower.

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? At home.

When was the last time you consumed alcohol? Late July. I had some sample beers at a fund-raising event for the animal shelter.

What is in your bag for school, or work? When packed for a full day - a book for reading on lunch breaks, gum, migraine meds, snacks, a lunchbox, a couple of bottles of Powerade, a water bottle, toiletries, chapstick, and my little bag with ID cards and such.

The 2nd to last person you texted, how did you meet them? He's my dad, so…!

Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? I'd probably just say I like someone/have feelings for them/whatever.

Have you been drunk in the last week? No.

What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Oatmeal.

[andrewdburton]

My spending goal for 2020: Spend less on food

I'm pleased to report that 2020 is off to a fine start. As I mentioned in my year-end review, 2019 sucked for me. I have high hopes that this year will be a vast improvement. So far, it has been.

The biggest change is that I'm not drinking alcohol. While this is meant as a January-only test, it's possible that I'll extend the experiment. It's saving me money and making me more productive. Plus, it may be helping with my anxiety and depression. I like that. (Thanks to the GRS readers who sent me private notes about their own struggles with alcohol. I appreciate it.)

I've made other small changes this year too. While I didn't make any resolutions — I rarely do — I'm using the new year as a prompt to alter some of my habits, to do things differently.

One area that both Kim and I want to focus on in 2020 is our food spending. In 2018, I spent an average of $1038.03 per month on food. While I don't have complete numbers for 2019 (my expense tracking was messy in the latter half of the year), I know that while my food spending declined, it didn't decline by much. I want to change that.

To that end, Kim and I are making a couple of changes. For one, I'm canceling HelloFresh…at least for now. Plus, there's the whole “cut out alcohol” thing. While alcohol isn't included in my food spending, it contributes to my food spending. It leads us to eat out more. We want to reduce our restaurant spending in 2020.

Let's take a closer look at how I hope to spend less on food this year.

Good-bye, HelloFresh

Last year was the year I experimented with HelloFresh, the meal delivery service. Mostly, I like it. Mostly. I like the HelloFresh recipes. I like the convenience. I like the company itself.

That said, there are enough downsides to HelloFresh that starting next week, I'm dropping the service. Part of this is because of me. Part of this is because of HelloFresh itself.

On the me side, I need to walk more. I need to get more exercise, and I need to experience my neighborhood. As part of that, I want to make regular trips to the grocery store — by foot.

Also on the me side, I like greater variety than HelloFresh offers. It's not that HelloFresh doesn't offer different meals and cuisines — because it does. But the recipes themselves have a relentless sameness about them. Yes, you can choose Italian or Korean or American dishes, but the preparation is always always always the same. It's boring.

Those are the problems with me. There are also problems with HelloFresh itself.

For instance, I'm sick of the never-ending push to get me to promote the service to my friends. Get lost. Every week, the HelloFresh package contains a plea to share sign-up codes with friends. Every week when I choose my meals online, there's an additional plea to share sign-up codes with friends. Every week in the follow up e-mails, there's a plea to share sign-up codes with friends. I'm over it.

But the biggest strike against the service is its inability to get produce right.

Most weeks, there's at least one meal with a shitty piece of produce. It's usually (but not always) a tomato. One meal I prepped last week had a rotten lemon. (I've never even seen a rotten lemon before!) It's as if there's no quality control.

And at least once per month, a vegetable is simply missing. Absent. Not in the bag. During Thanksgiving week, for instance, I was prepping a meal with asparagus almandine, which sounded awesome. But the package I received contained no asparagus. I scrambled to find a substitute — Brussels sprouts — but it was a poor replacement.

The Cost of Convenience

Plus, there's the cost. When we first tried HelloFresh in June 2018, I crunched the numbers. Meals from HelloFresh cost about $10 per person. If I were to purchase the ingredients myself, the cost was just over $3 per person. At three meals per person per week, I've been paying an extra $175 per month for groceries that I don't need to pay.

When I signed up for HelloFresh, I did so because I hoped it would save me money. I hoped that it would keep me out of the grocery store (which it does, actually) and that in turn would reduce my grocery spending. I tend to make a lot of impulse purchases at the supermarket, so this seemed like sound reasoning.

The results of this experiment were inconclusive. For the first half of 2019, my home food spending (HelloFresh and groceries combined) dropped from $620.92 per month to $553.45 per month. But during the last two months of the year, I spent $729.38 per month. Was that year-end spike because of the holidays? The huge Costco trip I made in early November? I don't know. Maybe I should dive deeper.

In any event, if I did save money, it isn't nearly as much as I'd hoped I would save.

That said, Kim and I have really enjoyed many of the meals we've ordered from HelloFresh. And we're especially keen on the recipe cards. They're a lot of fun. They make cooking simple — even if they are relentlessly the same.

Because I'm a nerd, I've saved every recipe card from every HelloFresh meal we've ordered. And to get nerdier yet, I've both graded each recipe and taken notes on it. In other words, we have a customized illustrated “cookbook” containing over 100 different recipes. (Plus, all 2500+ of the HelloFresh recipes are available for free from their website.)

Going forward, I intend to use these recipe cards to plan and prep our meals. Instead of ordering from HelloFresh itself, though, I'm going to walk to the grocery store (carrying my backpack) to buy the ingredients. This should prevent me from buying crap we don't need while allowing me to obtain better produce than HelloFresh tends to send.

We'll see how it works.

Here's another way Kim and I have come up with to cut costs on food: batch cooking. It's nothing new, I know, but it's new to us. We won't do once-a-month cooking, but we'll each pick one recipe per week and make a larger version of it.

I'll pick one HelloFresh cards and make three nights of the meal, for example. Last Sunday, Kim prepped a big batch of pork tacos that we've eaten for dinner the past three nights. And so on. We think this'll keep life simple and keep me out of the grocery store.

Rascally Restaurants

Kim and I will also try to cut back on food spending this year by reducing how much we dine out. Left to our own devices, we choose restaurants much of the time. That gets expensive.

In 2017, I spent an average of $567.97 per month on restaurants. Kim spent some unknown amount too (but much less).

In 2018, I spent an average of $389.63 per month on restaurants. Plus, Kim spent some. So, we made big gains in 2018, but our spending was still high.

As I mentioned, my records are incomplete for last year, but I know I spent $288.04 for restaurants during the last two months of 2019.

From 2017 to 2019, we cut our restaurant spending in half. That's great progress! Still, there's room for improvement.

I spent an average of $66.47 per week on restaurants last year. My gut feeling is that this is basically dining out once per week. I know from experience that our typical check is about $55, which includes our two meals plus two beers each. After tip, that's $66. That's our standard meal. (And it's usually on a Thursday night.)

So far in 2020, we've had one restaurant meal and it cost us exactly $34 (including tip). If we'd both had our typical two beers, that check would have been about $58. By not drinking, we saved ourselves more than twenty bucks!

Kim and I do enjoy eating out together, so it's not something we want to eliminate. Instead, we want to be more mindful about how and where we dine out when we do dine out.

We've already shifted our focus from fancier places (which is where we were eating in 2017) to cheap and tasty spots. But now we're interested in finding places that are even less expensive. And, at least for now, we want to be careful to avoid spots that might tempt us to drink. (Our favorite pub has great food and a cozy environment, but we both know it's madness for us to eat there. It'll make us want to drink beer.)

It's far to early to predict how this whole restaurant thing is going to go in 2020. But we've thought of a couple of ways to cut costs (in addition to the “not drinking” thing.) As I said, we can turn our attention to less expensive eateries. Why go to the fancy Mexican place with “gourmet” tacos that cost $8 or $9 when we can go to the cheap place down the hill with $4 tacos? Let's try that new ramen spot.

Plus, we might try take-out this year. Neither one of us has ever been a big proponent of ordering food to go, but I think it makes some sense right now. On my way home from the new office, I can pick up something tasty for dinner from the Thai place or the Italian place, maybe. We can have the restaurant food without restaurant temptation.

The Last Big Win

Food seems to be the last major place that I can trim my budget. My austerity measures in 2019 yielded excellent results, and I'll continue to pursue those in the future. But I've cut most of my discretionary spending as far as I want to cut it at present. Food is the exception.

I averaged spending $1176.06 per month on food in 2017.

That dropped to $1038.03 in 2018.

During the last two months of 2019, I spent an average of $1053.28 per month on food.

As I say, we're making progress, but I feel there's more to be had here. This is the last big win left in my budget. It'd be great if I could trim my food spending to, say, $800 per month (or lower!) in 2020. That'd be a fantastic drop from $1200 each month in 2017, right? I'd call that a victory.

On a food-related note, I should point out that eliminating (or reducing) alcohol could also save me plenty of money. During the past three years, I've reliably spent about $250 per month on alcohol — and that doesn't include alcohol in restaurants. Going dry could help my health and wealth.

The post My spending goal for 2020: Spend less on food appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

from Finance https://www.getrichslowly.org/spend-less-on-food/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[annieintheaair]

‘Tis the Season... to be busy.

After I last wrote I spent nearly a week home in New Jersey. It gave me the opportunity to recharge a bit and of course, spend time with my dog. As I’ve mentioned about a million times, one of the hardest things about this job is being away from my dog. I rescued her when I was in college and going through a really rough time and my psychologist suggested that I get a pet. It was one of those really terrifying, I’m really not sure if this is a good idea kind of things that ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made. Someday I hope I can rescue another dog if my schedule allows.

My time at home was spent doing lots of holiday things, like going for the annual NYC trip with my dad. Especially after having worked in NYC, I really hate going but the one time every year, I love it. We get up crazy early (which sucks) and go to the eye doctor and then once my eyes are dilated and I have to walk around the city like a blind person, we grab a quick lunch. This year we checked out Turnstyle, this little underground market in Columbus Circle. We got a light lunch and coffee and then headed over to Radio City for the Christmas Spectacular. People here in Texas don’t seem to be very familiar with it but it was a huge deal up north. My dad and I go every year because I always wanted to be a Rockette when I was a kid and used to dance. Unfortunately, I’m too short to ever be a Rockette.

After the show, we usually (including this year) get burgers and beer at Bill’s in Rockafeller Center and then head home. This year we had a little bit of time after so we walked around Bryant Park and checked out the little booths selling stuff.

NYC was the Friday I was home, then Saturday we did our family pre-Thanksgiving. Facebook and Snapchat told me that a lot of other flight attendant families did the same that day, so it was weirdly normal. Prior to dinner, my mom took me out to Pennsylvania for a blood drive. I had never donated before and while I didn’t get sick, I definitely justified needing a Chick-fil-a milkshake afterward and spent time sleeping on the couch when we got home. Because I donated blood, the clothing company I work for let us shop the warehouse. Everything was $5-10 so I got some great sweaters and got my mom a pair of Tom’s. Before heading home, we stopped at Ollie’s to get a few things and I felt like I was just going to fall asleep walking through the store.

By Sunday, I went to the pancake breakfast with my brother and his wife. It is one of my favorite things from my childhood and the pancakes and sausage were absolutely amazing so I just couldn’t miss it. It was a day of eating mostly since we had a brunch later for the Antique & Classic Boat Society. Of course, my flight back to Dallas was delayed due to the heavy winds so I didn’t land in Dallas until later in the evening. I decided to play it smart and order food from Snap Kitchen for my trip on Monday morning and had it delivered to my door once I got home.

Little did I know, my “easy” 3-day trip was going to turn into a brutal 4-day trip. I worked with seniors for the first three days and while they enjoyed going out and doing things together, they wouldn’t even bother to invite me to join no matter how many times I expressed how much I wanted to get out and do stuff. Instead, by Tuesday, I spent my entire afternoon in my hotel room in Denver, just working for my other job.

When I arrived back in Dallas early Wednesday morning, not only did they send an ACARS message and call my cell phone but they sent a manager to meet my flight and reassign me. I was bummed at first but checked the NS and saw one of my favorite coworkers on the list so I didn’t feel so bad after all.

We boarded the flight to Detroit and of course, the plane was broken so we had to get a new one. We were 3 hours late getting to Detroit and it was a short layover but we didn’t let that stop us from having a good time. Three out of four of us met up for dinner and drinks and I enjoyed this amazing local milkshake stout beer.

I was shocked when we got back to Dallas before 8am on Thanksgiving and I was able to go home. I thought I’d power through and work all day but instead took a nap and then went to Maddie’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. We had steak, which was a good kind of different. Maddie and I even did a little black Friday shopping that evening (where I got a travel hairdryer for only one cent!) and went to the movies.

By the time I got home, I was drained but knew I had to do more work. I stayed up stupid late and prayed that I wouldn’t get called into work on Friday so I could knock out the rest of my work.

Somehow they left me alone on Friday and then Saturday I worked a quick Denver turn with a pretty annoying senior crew. I was relieved to be home by 2pm and finished up my work for the week.

On Sunday morning I was up early to get to church before the service. I had my final meeting for becoming a real church member and was told that I can finally join a community group and find a place to serve. A few months ago, Kara told everyone that they were desperate for people to hold some babies. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I felt like that was my calling. I felt like God was telling me, “Annie, go serve and hold some babies” so that’s what I told them I’d like to try.

At the service, I met this couple sitting behind me. There’s no such thing as a coincidence but it’s all about God’s plans. He wanted me to meet this couple because they live in the town I’m moving to. There’s nothing quite like community, which is what I was looking for when I started attending this church back in January.

After church, I decided not to go home. I went to Panera, had lunch, worked online and then ran a few errands. I had been debating what to do about decorating since I’m in the middle of packing to move in about a month and didn’t want to unpack all of my Christmas decorations. Whole Foods was selling these cute little (real!!) trees so I caved and bought one. I picked up some basic decorations from Target and finally felt a little better and a little more festive.

I attempted to go to the outlets and do some Christmas shopping but I couldn’t even find a parking spot. You can bet I’ll be ordering gifts online this year. I can’t stand the crowds anymore! Instead, I went to Starbucks and hid in a corner for a few hours to get more work done.

Since I was near my new house, I thought I’d swing by and see the progress. They stained the front door and the staircase and put up the backsplash in the kitchen. I was excited at first until I noticed that they installed it vertically when it was supposed to be horizontal. I felt awkward and horrible to stop at the office and complain but I knew I had to and fortunately, she wasn’t mad at me for speaking up.

The rest of the night was spent at Rachel’s with friends having dinner and wine and playing games. It was a good night except that I knew I’d have to sit standby at the airport all day in the morning.

When I got home last night, I couldn’t wait to set up my tree. I threw it together really quick and turned on the lights and enjoyed it for a minute. I showered and jumped into bed to get a little bit of work done but couldn’t focus and had to just go to sleep.

I didn’t sleep well at all. Honestly, I felt like I was awake all night. I woke up this morning to find that Prince Harry is engaged so that’s a bummer. Vanessa texted me about the latest in her life and I couldn’t help but miss having her here in Dallas. When all of your friends are engaged/married/seriously dating or whatever, it’s hard to find friends who are also single and dealing with the same crap. It’s all a big load of shit these days.

I’ve been sitting on standby duty at the airport all morning. My goal was to get a lot of work done but I haven’t been successful. I have so much actual work to do but got distracted with other things. I had to get all of my mortgage documents completed and had to send multiple emails and wanted to set up internet installation for January. I know December is about to be totally insane so I’m desperate to get as much done as soon as possible. At least if I have my life together, work won’t be as stressful.

Gearing up for one of the busiest months of the year is insane. I feel like it’s going to go by so fast and while I’m nervous, I’m also really excited. The sooner I get through December, the sooner I’ll be moving. I’m over apartment life and hiking up so many stairs to my apartment. I’m tired of not having a work space and listening to loud parties hosted by my neighbors. I’m tired of all of the stuff that comes along with living in a place surrounded by college students. Moving to a house that I can slowly decorate and enjoy and love is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Sure, living alone in a larger space will definitely be a little lonely but finally having a space where I actually want to be home, that’s important.

xoxo

Annie

[thekeegzter]

10 Things I Learned While Being Homeless

(Scroll Down To The Bottom If You're An Impatient Fuck)

Yes, you read that correctly. For the last four months I have been homeless. No, I was not sleeping on the streets, and thankfully only one night was spent in my truck, but I have been bouncing around between friends couches and taking the occasional male suitor up on their offer to eat a hot meal and sleep next to a warm body. 

Why didn't I just move home? Because I don't have a bedroom at home and my mother's crafting projects take up the living room that is couchless. Although I could have slept on my 14 year old brother's couch, I think that would have been a little weird for the both of us. Also, my mother lives a 45 minute drive outside of the city and if I wanted to find a job, I needed to be in the city and interview ready at all times. 

That being said, as soon as I got back to Toronto, I was applying to jobs like CRAZY. But my resume was clearly not standing out to anyone seeing as I only had two interviews (one of which was over the phone) during the months of July & August. I was, however, getting auditions left, right, and centre. 

I was broke, jobless, and homeless. BUT I had just recorded an EP; I had been asked to sing at a charity concert for Ovarian Cancer; I was booking paid acting gigs; I was asked to return to Vancouver Fashion Week as their Show Choreographer - which was paid; my guitarist and I were booked to play at a music festival* - also paid; and my family was just a short drive away if I wanted to see them. It was heaven. But I realized this lifestyle wouldn't last forever and couch surfing got tiring, so the universe finally provided to me, at the time I was ready to receive it, my dream job, and an apartment downtown Toronto with a place to park Bertha.* 

How did I end up here? Well, frankly, I fell in love. I fell for the idea that:

"When you meet the right person, you'll know."

I was honestly convinced that I would meet someone one day and everything would change. I would get butterflies in my stomach and I would know: this is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. The fact that he lived across the country was somehow romantic, that he valued me for more than my body was new and made me feel like it was different this time. In retrospect I can count on one hand the amount of times someone has made me feel this way. Actually, it was one time, and his name was Chris Tulipano, and it was like 7 years ago.

So I fell in love, packed my truck, and drove from Toronto to Vancouver by myself. Well, I suppose my fish, Fuego Fire Le Poisson, counts as a passenger. I had spent the last of my savings on gas to get there so despite my better judgement, but mostly because I was desperate for work and didn't have time to look for something better, I went back to the hospitality industry as a server. I knew that this would bring me great unhappiness but I thought I'd be okay. I also had a feeling that monogamy was not for me, but I was so head over heels for this guy, I had to give it a shot. I had no social life, and I missed my family more than I thought possible. I had just started rebuilding a broken relationship with my brother and the guilt I carried for having left at such a crucial time made me feel sick. I couldn't even pick up the phone and call because I feared bursting into tears. This, coming from a girl who doesn't say "I miss you" because I'd never felt that feeling for anyone other than my dad ever since he passed away. I was having anxiety attacks regularly, and if I'd made it through the day without crying, I considered it a success. In a teary mess at work one day, I actually told my manager that I felt trapped. I had admitted it out loud. Which made it all too real. I sought help from a medical professional who told me I was crazy for moving out there. That was helpful 🙄. 

I had planned a trip home in June but as the dates approached and my bank account remained empty I thought it was never going to happen. Thankfully with the help of my incredibly patient and generous boyfriend at the time, and my aunt, I was able to fly home to Toronto and stop in Calgary to visit some family on the way. I spent a lot of the time up at my nana's cottage helping her pack as they were in the process of moving and felt incredibly grateful to her for a safe, peaceful space for me to sort through my emotions. On my first day back my nephew said, "Can I give you a kiss tía kiki? Cause it's been a long time since I could give you a kiss." A few days later my other nephew said, excitedly, "Are you gonna be here when I wake up in the morning? And when I come back from school? You should stay for five weeks." I realized that I missed them as much as they missed me. I didn't think the distance would affect them at such a young age, but it did, and my heart broke for all the months I'd spent a way. After a few weeks it was clear that I needed to move home. My family needed me, and honestly, I needed them, too. 

I called my boyfriend to let him know I needed to move home and he wasn't surprised. My mental health was not in a good place; I knew I needed my support system back. So I flew back to Vancouver - borrowing money from a dear old friend - packed up my truck, and found a few people on craigslist to share the financial burden and driving responsibilities of road-tripping back to Toronto. It was a wild drive and I made some incredible friends. 

When I got back to Toronto, my friends and family welcomed me with open arms. I overstayed my welcome at a number of homes but the most incredible thing happened: my friendships blossomed. When you live in a big city and everyone has a job or kids or whatever, it's hard to find time to spend with each other and you end up spending most of your time catching up on life's events rather than creating new memories. Crashing on my friends couches (sometimes I even got to sleep in their beds 😏 - shout out to Nicole, Katelyn, & Aisha #namedropping) meant that we spent so much more quality time together. I will be forever grateful for this experience because of the friendships I've strengthened. 

It would have been so easy to look at things from a negative perspective, like, I was fucking homeless. People who live on the street would ask me for change and I'd be like dude, I'm rollerblading to work because I can't afford the TTC. I met with my financial advisor when I got back to the city and he said "Wow! You look really thin!" I was like "Thanks! I can't afford to eat, so......😅" 

I chose to find the silver lining* in the same way that I looked at my debt in a positive way. To the people who leant me money (and to whom I still owe money) - shout out to Mom, Aunt Bonnie, Nana, Jamie, & Kirsten - I will pay you back, I appreciate your patience, I love you, and your generosity showed me that you really have my back. I am so incredibly grateful to the kindhearted circle of friends and family I have cultivated over the years and I hope you know that I would do the same for you. In a heartbeat. No questions ask. I'll even help you bury the body. 

SO - The Kohl's Notes, for those of you who won't bother to read this whole post.

Sleeping in your truck requires layers. The nights are cold and the sun is hot. 

Accepting invitations to go on dates is a great way ensure you eat that day.

Co-parenting a fish requires trust and communication.

Seeking therapy is healthy, but sometimes doctors are assholes.

Alone time is greatly underrated and under appreciated .

It's okay to owe people money, but make sure your debts are paid before going on vacation.

Living out of your truck is great for last minute weather related wardrobe changes.

Sleeping on your friends' couches is how drunken rap songs are made.

Being homeless for four months means you get to eat four times as much at Thanksgiving.

Family is irreplaceable and should always come first. #familyfirst

*Bertha is my truck. I basically inherited her from my grandfather. 

*The festival ended up cutting us from the list without even telling me. I was heartbroken. I also got on the wrong bus that day and ended up going an hour in the opposite direction and then missing my flight to Vancouver in the morning because the volume on my alarm was set too low that I didn't hear it. Then I got to Vancouver and the next morning spent 30 minutes trying to hail a fucking cab. Needless to say that little piece of news set things in a turbulent direction. 

*I probably couldn't do that in Vancouver because they don't have Uber. Just saying. Getting a taxi in that fucking city was the bane of my existence. 

[crystalsanddiamonds]

A story about self care, and why you should not do what I did

Last year I went to a Humboldt State University which is a 14 hour drive (for me, slow driver) from my home here in Palm Springs. It was coming up to Thanksgiving break, which was a week long, and I wanted to drive home for the holiday. Now gas for that long of a trip, both there and back is around 200 dollars so I used a website that the school promoted to find people who lived in my same area so we could carpool and they could help with gas (its a really cool site check it out here, its very legit and if you go to a University check if your school has a set up a login for it, where you need your email and password to check in as a student) I found 4 people from my area and we set everything up and everything was going perfectly.

Now a day or two before the break I started to feel sick, just your basic cold nothing major. Until the night before the last day of class, that night I felt like utter shit. And for some reason I had a hard time speaking, and I was wheezing. I though that the wheezing might have been my allergies so I ignored it. The class the next day was a speech class so I did not go. But not even for one second did I consider not making the drive home. One I really really wanted to go home, I felt it in my bones and two, 4 people where depending on me to get there as well. So I packed for the trip that night and went to bed early because we were leaving at five in the morning. 

The whole drive down I was coughing and wheezing and just mostly felt like crap. I eventually stopped at a gas station just to buy dayquil hoping it would make me feel better, I chugged out of that thing for the rest of the day. It did not help.

Fast forward to getting home.

So I finally was able to sleep after hours of driving and dropping everyone off and my mom was a little concerned about my wheezing so she listens to my lungs (just by putting her ear to my back) and said it sounded like I had bronchitis. So we went to the clinic, where it actually turned out that I had walking pneumonia in my right lung.

I am CONVINCED that I had bronchitis when I was in Humboldt, and with the addition of stressing myself out for 14 hours straight because of the drive it developed into pneumonia, mostly because the shit level went from I just want to go to bed to PLEASE KILL ME NOW.

But this is not the end of me not making good choices.

After a WEEK with pneumonia, it was time to do the drive again, and I actually did, all in one day. And when I got back to school, I felt even more like shit if that was even possible. I had my lung x rayed again and it turned out that all that rest I got that week was totally reversed and I was actually worse than I was. 

I’m sure if you have had pneumonia you know how hard it is to breath, and the nickname of Humboldt (HSU) is Hills Stairs and Umbrellas which is probably the worst combination possible for someone with liquid in their lungs. Because of this I did not go to class, for about 3 weeks. During this time I also broke out in hives from the pneumonia (not common but I'm assuming because I was so goddamn stressed about the classes I was taking my immunity wasn't exactly up to par) and I did end up failing a lot of those classes.

What started out as a simple cold really fucked me over. I honestly should have made plans with everyone I gave rides to the second I found out I had pneumonia and stayed home until I got better. And of course that though never even came into my head. There was no way I was missing school.

School isn't as important as your health. Pneumonia affects you for months after you are diagnosed. I had a horrible cough until spring break. I wish I would have stayed home and gotten better instead of stretch myself to thin and cause myself so much suffering.

I hope I help someone with this post.

AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS POST. AND YOU HAVE PNEUMONIA. OR BRONCHITIS. AND YOU HAVE SOMETHING PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING YOU HAVE TO DO IN THE NEAR FUTURE. JUST DON’T DO IT. JUST DONT FUCKING DO IT. ITS NOT WORTH IT. STAY HOME GO TO BED. OR STAY AT SCHOOL. JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND SLEEP.

[everlonghope]

The simplicity of the phrase “I am Iranian-American” completely contradicts the complexity behind it.

I grew up in the Bay Area and am still a resident of this pretty diverse hub on the west coast. From what I have put together from stories my mom told me about my childhood, I have come up with my own story, my own identity.

I spoke Farsi (the language Iranians/Persians speak, different from Arabic but still similar) as my first language. When I went to pre-school, I was younger than the other kids in my class and couldn’t speak much English, so I relied on other little kids to help me through the day. At the same time, these kids also took me under their own little wings. I learned English quickly and soon became bilingual. I spoke Farsi at home with my mom and grandma, and then I spoke English at school.

Up until kindergarten, I traveled to Iran every year because it was easy to take a month off pre-school education. We traveled as a family during the springtime because it was the best month to go to Iran – the flowers were blooming and the air was fresh.

As I entered elementary school, my English skills outweighed my Farsi skills, and I soon could only understand Farsi when spoken to. At the same time, I would slowly desire to assimilate into the “normal” white food culture. I loved the Iranian food my mom packed for me for lunch, but eating it while all the other kids were eating pasta, casserole, and soup stirred unwanted gazes and glares. I didn’t want the other kids to think that my food smelled, and even though I was proud of it and stood up for it to other kids because it tasted so damn good, I brought my own culture’s food less and less in order to fit in.

Around third grade, a few things happened in my 9-year-old life. I started taking Farsi lessens at our public library, learning how to read and write with a couple other kids. It was difficult to go to this class once a week but I did it for around a year and a half. Keeping up with my Farsi homework always annoyed me, and I resented having to learn this language even though my mom always said that I would regret it if I didn’t learn it now… something that I find 100% true now.

The other thing that happened was High School Musical. As a child, I grew up on Disney cartoons and princess movies. My favorite princess was probably Ariel, but I always loved the film Aladdin because it was practically about me (even though the actuality was it was probably set in modern day Iraq). It was about people who looked like me. Jasmine was the princess I knew I could be because she looked like me. When High School Musical came out, I had a live-action Disney character that shared similar features to my own: Gabriella. Dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin. I felt saved. On the same note, in third grade I also felt really isolated by multiple people in my extremely tiny class, and a lot of the girls who were mean to me shared similar features to the “whiter” Disney characters like Cinderella, Aurora, and…Sharpay Evans from HSM. My love for characters like Gabriella and Jasmine matched my resentment for Cinderellas and Sharpays. The ease I have admitting this right now is because I’m 18 and realize I was being a bit extreme for a little kid, but I think my love and hate was very valid and very much associated with my racial and ethnic identity – as a minority.

Entering fifth grade and later middle school, I became obsessed with reading and writing admittedly shitty stories that took inspiration from my growing imagination. Characters like Hermione Granger and Bella Swan shared a feature I had: darker hair. That was a check in my book. I could relate to them. In the stories I created, the main female character almost always looked like me. I wanted to be represented and I made sure I was.

At the same time, basically after I quit Farsi class, my resentment for Iran grew. We only traveled twice more before my mom got sick, and both times I didn’t want to go. There was no internet access and basically nothing for me to do there. The flight was long and I just didn’t enjoy going. The last time I went before my mom got sick was the summer in between 6th and 7th grade, and I was going through my own middle school phase of moodiness and questionable behavior. I didn’t care about my identity as an Iranian-American; it wasn’t as important as other things.

In my late middle school era, I was friends with a girl who was half Iranian, and we became best friends. Besides how well our personalities meshed together, it was so nice to have someone to talk to because she understood some Iranian family quirks that I experienced. I felt like my identity was validated because there was someone my age like me.

As I entered high school, my Iranian-American identity was simultaneously something always on the back of my mind and something I clung to because it made me different from my peers. I did my “country” project in 9th grade history class on Iran, for example. I started becoming more comfortable bringing Iranian food to school (usually from restaurants because my mom was to sick to cook or already passed away) in 10th-11th grade. I also think gaining a very great group of friends in high school allowed me to open up and be myself, and being myself included the Iranian-American me.

Throughout almost all the years of my life, I went to a Chaharshanbe Soori celebration in Berkeley right before Persian New Year. It was probably the only part of the holiday I liked besides the food because it was when people jumped over little fires and “left behind” the bad parts of life in the old year, welcoming and celebrating the new year to come. This holiday was always super cool to my friends, no matter what age, and it instilled some pride in me, that my identity was cool.

We missed Chaharshanbe Soori the year after my mom’s death (11th grade) because of too much schoolwork, and I honestly don’t remember if we went in 10th grade. Those years were mostly a blur, but Chaharshanbe Soori was definitely a memory and celebration that always made me feel close to my culture. In a way, when my mom died I lost the connection I had to my Iranian identity. She was a constant speaker of Farsi in the house and always pushed me to connect with my ethnic identity. In elementary school, she sometimes gave presentations to my classes during Persian New Year, like the Chinese moms did during Chinese New Year. She always encouraged me to share who I was and where I came from.

When I lost my mom, I lost a lot of who I was. Since 11th grade, I have gone to Iran twice – once before senior year, and this past winter break. The first trip without her ended abruptly, and I felt like my time in Iran wasn’t done. It was cut short. The second trip, the one I recently came back from, didn’t feel this way. It felt complete and whole, and I am really excited to go back – whenever that will be.

Iran is a really triggering experience for me because everywhere reminds me of my mom. Simple taxi drives are weird without her in the backseat.

This one coffee shop in Frankfurt airport will always remind me of my mom because I have pictures of her in it from the last trip she went on.

I have so many pictures of her from Iran.

Something I’m grateful for is staying in a different place when we visit now, because staying in the same place that I was in with my mom would be so triggering and so so overwhelming. The trip is already overwhelming, but it reminds me of who she was, and who I am.

We would go to the bazaar and look at jewelry together, complain about the heat, eat lots of cream puffs and drink tea. I miss her so much and Iran reminds me of her because that’s who she was. She was a beautiful, intelligent Iranian woman who makes me proud to be Iranian, to carry her as a part of my identity.

Similarly, the past trip we had reminded me that Iran is home, because Iran is family. Simply sitting at the dinner table in my great aunt’s house reminded me how many loving people I am surrounded by and have on my side. Cousins and second cousins and aunts and great aunts. My grandma on my dad’s side made many trips to America before and after my mom’s passing, so she was more or less a part of our America-located family. Actually visiting Iran is different because I’m literally placed in a city that contains so many family members. It’s overwhelming.

My family threw me a little birthday party this past trip  because I would be in college during my actual birthday. It was super small, and I actually almost napped before they surprised me with the birthday cake. When I walked out into the living room I had to tell myself not to cry. It is such a crazy, emotional experience to lack family most of your life and then be emerged in it all at once. Holidays don’t really mean much to me because they are just normal meals and days with my immediate family (Armita and my dad). I don’t go to my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving or visit my aunt’s for Christmas because the majority of my family lives in a different country. Visiting Iran reminds me of how much I miss out on while living in America, but it also allows me to be super grateful and happy to be spending time with family while I’m there because it is not something I can take advantage of often.

From the end of senior year until now, a second-semester freshmen at UC Berkeley, I have become more comfortable with the pride I have in being Iranian-American. I shared Chaharshanbe Soori with some of my closest friends at the end of senior year, and it made me feel so validated and alive as an Iranian-American teen. I have friends who love me for who I am. I wrote an article for the Iranian literary magazine on campus, Perspective (pg. 12). I plan on taking Farsi in my sophomore year to brush up on the language that has always been a part of my life one way or another. In general, I want to take advantage of the resources my education allows me to have by taking as many Iran-centric classes as possible. I want to learn about who I am and I’m so happy I have the opportunity to do so.

Lastly, I plan on immortalizing who I am on my skin sometime in the next couple months. I want to get نور چشم من  (pronounced “Nur-e cheshm-e man”) tattooed on my arm, which means “the light of my eye” in Farsi. Under it, I want to put my mom’s “dates” – 8.18.61-5.26.14. I have memories of my mom calling me this phrase as a kid, and I think it is the perfect homage to her.

A simultaneous reminder of who I am and who I will always have with me.

Hyphenated Identity The simplicity of the phrase "I am Iranian-American" completely contradicts the complexity behind it.