#i was in a horse mood for some reason. idk

[dyed-indigo]

bingdusa...

[sansaorgana]

— CHRYSALIS (II)

PART ONE

PAIRING — Sauron x fem!half-Vala/half-Elf!Reader (Morgoth's Daughter)

SUMMARY — Mairon is scheming to take over the armies of Morgoth. With his old master's daughter by his side he considers his claims to be legitimised, although he has to admit that her mood swings scare him sometimes. Well, one thing is certain – his wife keeps him on his toes. And their enemies are many, even amongst their own Lieutenants.

AUTHOR’S NOTE — It's been some time since part one but I needed a short break and I'm not going to lie but I have been distracted... Those of you who follow me, know already that I have a massive crush on Jack Lowden now... 🤣 It is honestly funny to me because I've known about this guy for years (he was even in one of my favourite TV shows ever aka War & Peace) but it was this one scene of the loser Sauron that pushed me into having a crush??? Seriously?! Anyway, yeah... I've been watching movies with him and at the moment I am in the middle of Slow Horses. Just saying because I have a feeling it is going to end up with a fanfic... 💀 Big shoutout and thanks to @olchr-1 because their comments under my fics about Mairon and Morgoth always inspire me! 💚

WARNINGS — toxic relationship (they're mutually toxic to each other), mentions of Morgoth's abuse towards Sauron, Reader is kinda unhinged (she is Morgoth's daughter, ok? what did you expect?), murder (as in – she murders [an Orc] AND she gets murdered), she's some sort of a ghost in the end (idk if it's a trigger but I'm writing it down in case it is...)

WORD COUNT — 6,140

ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.

CHRYSALIS (II)

“I do. I can see inside your mind.”

Mairon felt a shiver travelling down his spine at those words. (Y/N) had a sweet smile on her face but it still felt somehow sinister and embarrassing after realising she could have felt all his scheming regarding her.

“Do not be scared!” She whined and giggled as she brushed his ginger hair to put it behind his pointy ear. “I like you the way you are.”

Mairon cracked a smile at her and put his hands on her waist to pull her closer and join their lips together. The kiss started softly but it quickly turned into a heated one. (Y/N) moaned into his mouth and he groaned, pushing aside all the things on the table behind her to pick her up and sit her up on top of it.

Her fingers tangled in his hair and he could hear her heartbeat fastening as his shaky hands travelled to her back where he started to tug onto the lacing of her gown.

But at that, (Y/N) flinched and Mairon broke the kiss, taking a step back and looking at her with a raised eyebrow. She refused to meet his gaze and looked over his shoulder at the still unfinished item behind him.

“I think you still have work to finish, my husband,” she pointed out sweetly and how could he ever be angry at her when she addressed him so beautifully?

Mairon nodded at her and leaned in to steal one more kiss from her but this time it was only a peck on the lips.

He walked away from her to go back to reforging her father’s crown to fit him and she took off her leather apron and folded it neatly before putting it on the desk and leaving the forge without a word.

Mairon wondered quietly what was the reason for her sudden shyness when it came to being physical. How much had she witnessed about her parents’ relationship? And what had it been like?

Or perhaps (Y/N) was simply shy because she had been sheltered for her whole life.

Either way, she had agreed to share her life with him and that was enough for him. To have her close, to show her off as his – Melkor’s daughter, the heiress of darkness. She had chosen him – Mairon – to be her husband. There was no better legitimation for his coronation than this.

He finished his work and the sun was slowly setting in the sky although it was barely visible in their land of snow and cold either way. Mairon took off his apron and fixed his hair before taking the newly reforged crown and taking it to his chambers because he would never leave it unsupervised. Proud of his creation, he walked past (Y/N)’s chambers but he did not bother to check on her. She clearly needed her space now and he decided to give it to her.

After entering his chambers, though, Mairon froze at the sight of (Y/N) laying in his bed and smiling at him gently. She was wearing nothing but a beautiful nightgown made out of a sheer fabric that left very little to his imagination. Mairon swallowed a lump in his throat at the sight.

“I… I have finished,” he told her and placed the crown on top of a dresser, scared of her opinion as he usually was when it came to his craft.

“I can see. It is beautiful, you are very talented with your hands, my Sauron,” she whispered, surprisingly sweet, and Mairon smiled nervously at the praise before turning around to face her.

“Where did you get a nightgown like this?” He asked. After all, all her clothes had been gifts from him and he would never dare to give her such a thing before.

“So… You like it?” She giggled and Mairon’s heart skipped a beat. She had no idea how much he did. Or maybe she did – after all, she could get inside his head. “I know you do, my husband,” she sighed, “but I would like you to say it.”

“I… I do,” Mairon nodded and cleared his throat before sitting on the edge of his bed and carefully reaching his hand out to caress her cheek. “I like it. Very much,” he assured her. 

Oh, how the tables turned. Who was shy now?

When Mairon’s hand lowered and briefly touched (Y/N)’s nightgown, it suddenly disappeared completely, dissolved into air and there she was, naked for him. He looked into her eyes and she chuckled.

“So, it worked,” she whispered, proud of herself. “I learnt from you how to do it,” she confessed and sat up to cling to him and join their lips together in a kiss but this time it was him who was mostly sitting there, petrified to witness her being like that. “I’m sorry, am I doing something wrong?” (Y/N) furrowed her brow and moved away a little, shyly, visibly feeling embarrassed of herself.

And when she was like this, he felt way more confident. Mairon straightened his back and shook his head gently.

“No, my love, not at all. It’s just that I…” He took a deep breath in.

“That you’re a Maia, you were born to serve and not to experience such carnal desires,” she nodded and he closed his mouth. “And yet you do and you are confused but I know the answer.”

“You do?” Mairon inquired.

“I need you,” she breathed out and once more she moved closer to him to kiss the corner of his mouth as her hands caressed his neck with her fingertips. “And you love me. You serve me, Sauron. Therefore, when I need you, your flesh answers to my calling.”

And now it was him flinching at her words and she moved back once more, looking at him with confusion written all over her terrifyingly beautiful features.

“I’m sorry, I…” He fixed his hair with trembling hands as he looked away.

How could he tell her that when she was like this she reminded him of her father and it was not in the way he wanted to remember him? How could he tell her that it nearly scared him and it surely was not helping his desire? 

Melkor had reforged him the same way Mairon reforged his crown – his old self had been melted and twisted in the most wicked ways. But admitting it to her now would be humiliating.

When she was a shy, innocent maiden – he felt confident enough to give in to his desires and to devour her. But when she was showing confidence and was becoming needy herself – greedy for him and his service like his master once had been… He was simply shutting down.

“I would never hurt you, Sauron,” she whispered and he turned his head around to look at her, a little frustrated with the fact that she had been inside his head again – especially at a moment like that. “I would never hurt you first, that is,” she added. “And you have no reason to be embarrassed in front of me. I am your wife and your Queen,” she added.

“I want to be worthy of you but I do not think I ever will be…” He confessed, finally voicing out the fear he had been having for centuries now – from the moment he had seen her for the first time.

“Oh, but my sweet Sauron, do you not know…?” (Y/N) chuckled lovingly and moved closer to him once more but very slowly and carefully this time. She cupped his face and caressed his cheeks with her thumbs before leaning in to rub her nose with his. “I know you will never be and I still like you,” she smiled, probably thinking her words cheered him up but they only broke his heart.

Because what was her love then? Did she love him because he was a good pet? The most loyal servant? Was her love as wicked as her father’s?

“I am my mother’s daughter, too,” she reminded him and kissed his forehead. “I can be sweet and gentle with you, kiss every part of your flesh, every part my father hurt and twisted… Let me heal it,” she breathed out.

He would certainly let her try.

The fortress was the most quiet during the day because the Orcs mostly slept at that time. Mairon and (Y/N) laid in his bed for hours now, facing each other with their limbs tangled and noses brushing as they exchanged sweet kisses and her fingers caressed his hair.

“You are the most extraordinary creature I have ever laid my eyes on,” he breathed out.

“I know,” she smirked. “When will we leave here? I want to see the world,” her eyes sparkled.

“Do you really want to see it or perhaps you can’t wait for the world to fall on its knees at the sight of you?” Mairon wondered teasingly and she chuckled.

“I am aware the realms you will take me to are far from perfect but I will shape them to fit my will and vision,” she said. “And for that, they will build me altars.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Then you will certainly make sure they do,” she smirked sweetly but her eyes filled with mischief.

Mairon moved his head up slightly to kiss her on the mouth instead of making a promise with his words. Then, he laid down on the pillow and sighed at the sight of the reforged crown of Morgoth on top of his dresser.

“I will forge you a crown, too. I have an idea for its design already,” he promised. “And then, we will coronate ourselves and marshal our legions out of here.”

“I am shutting myself out of your mind then,” (Y/N) giggled. “I want the design to be a surprise,” she explained and kissed his cheek.

He couldn’t help the feeling that he indeed was her pet but perhaps she would be a much kinder owner than her father had been.

Tasarë woke up and leaned on the barren, dry tree as she sighed at the sight of the huge fortress in the horizon. They would arrive there in the afternoon on that day but she had not seen it last night due to the darkness. Now, in the hazy morning she was able to see what was awaiting her – the dreadful place and even more dreadful master within its walls. 

“Why me?” She asked Mairon while he was watching her with a mix of pity and relief that his task would be done soon.

“He saw you in my memories,” he confessed. She deserved to know the truth now, at the very end of their road together.

“You were that huge werewolf watching me in the forest,” Tasarë chuckled and shook her head. “I sensed your eyes on me.”

“And that was your demise. You know what they say – curiosity killed the cat,” Mairon crossed his arms and stood by her side, looking at the fortress ahead of them with pride.

“Why were you staring at me?” Tasarë inquired and Mairon shrugged his arms. He truly did not know.

“Something drew me in. Perhaps it was your fate,” he explained cruelly.

Cruelly, because what could this young and innocent maiden possibly have done to deserve such punishment?

“Please,” she took off her humble ring with a ruby stone on it, “take it,” she offered it to him as her eyes filled with tears.

“What is the meaning behind this gesture?” Mairon raised his eyebrows, a little mockingly staring at the ring in her trembling hand.

“I want you to keep it, a memory of me,” she explained. “A memory of who I am now, before your master bends me to his will,” she added and Mairon swallowed thickly at her words. “Please,” she begged and he finally took the ring from her hand and caressed it with his fingers.

“Why are you giving this to me? It was me who brought this down upon you and it was me delivering you to him,” Mairon asked, confused.

“Who am I supposed to give it to?” She asked and laughed through the tears as she looked around. No one else was there. Then, her face became serious again. “I can still feel the light of Valinor deep within you,” she whispered, her voice nearly inaudible and a shiver went down his spine at her words. “You are a Maia. An emissary of the Valar.”

“I serve only one of them,” he explained.

“Whatever. You just do what you were made for – you serve,” she nodded and turned her head around, leaving his head a mess.

Her words were an explanation why she couldn’t hate him completely. But they also were an insulting reminder that he was nothing compared to his master – he was replaceable and meaningless.

“We should go,” he muttered and hid the ring inside one of his pockets.

Mairon played with Tasarë’s ring between his fingers for one last time before breaking it apart in his forge to extract the red ruby stone and put it in (Y/N)’s crown. Made of her father’s iron and decorated with her mother’s stone, it was pretty humble and smaller than Mairon’s but he made sure it looked as intimidating as his own.

He did not mean to insult his wife with its design – quite the contrary. Her power was of the raw kind and she did not need any further decorations. Unlike him, humbly Maia who was constantly trying to hide the fact he still felt like a nobody. And he knew he would not have to explain it to her because she would know – she could read his mind, after all.

When the crown was forged, he took it carefully into his hands and carried it back to the chambers he was sharing now with her. (Y/N) was standing by the window and staring outside, sighing at the only sight she had ever known – endless snow and cold.

“When will we leave here, Sauron?” She asked with a whine.

“Soon, my darling. Very soon. Look what I have for you,” she smiled gently and could feel his cheeks burning.

This, so far, was the most significant gift he had ever given her. Perhaps even while proposing to her he had not been so nervous.

She turned around and he held his breath, waiting for her opinion and he knew that she was a cruel judge of his presents and craft.

(Y/N)’s eyes widened and she froze for a moment before approaching him to take a better look.

“It surely holds lots of power,” she nodded as her fingertips caressed the ruby of the crown. She smiled to herself, sensing her mother as she looked at her husband’s face, finding his eyes. She searched his mind to look for the explanation and then she nodded at him. “Did you love my mother?” She asked, suddenly.

Mairon’s heart skipped a beat.

“She was not mine to love,” he only answered.

“And I am?” (Y/N)’s eyes sparkled cruelly. She could have promised him hundreds of times she would never hurt him but sometimes her father’s nature would overtake her in those little moments, keeping him on his toes. He did not believe her promises at all.

In fact, he was quite scared of his own wife. But that was the price he had to pay for binding himself to such a powerful creature just to be able to bask in her light and to use her power to increase his own influence.

“I understand that you do not like the crown,” he admitted his defeat, looking down.

“On the contrary. It is splendid. Your finest work so far, husband,” she explained and took the item gently from his hands as he laid his eyes on her once more – his needy, yearning gaze, desperate for her praise. “It is simple and humble and yet so powerful, detailed and exquisite. It takes real talent of the greatest craftsman to forge such a beauty,” she admitted and put it onto her head before turning around to look at herself in the mirror. She was smiling and Mairon took a deep breath out of relief.

“I shall inform Adar to gather his armies for our coronation,” Mairon bowed his head slightly.

“Do we need an official coronation? In front of these… creatures?” (Y/N) winced. “We can do whatever we want, can we not?”

“Yes, of course we can,” Mairon cleared his throat. What he really meant was that she could do whatever she wanted. But even that was not entirely true because her lack of experience would soon overshadow her natural inheritance. “It will just send a message to all the right people and look more significant in their eyes if we go through with the whole ceremony.”

“We did not have any ceremony for our wedding,” she pointed out. “You truly show your priorities now, dear husband.”

“Marriage is a sacred and intimate union, I do not care for the audience when it comes to it. My love and devotion are only for you to see,” he answered.

“I understand,” she nodded and turned her head around to look directly into his eyes instead of reading his face from the mirror’s reflection. “But on the next day after our coronation we are leaving this place. And we are never coming back here.”

“Yes, my Lady,” Mairon nodded.

“In fact, I have a perfect usage for the North,” she shrugged her arms and looked back into the mirror to adjust the crown on her head and admire herself.

“And that is…?” Mairon furrowed his brows, a little scared of her answer.

“It will be a perfect prison for our enemies, it is going to be where we will send those who refuse to follow us,” she smiled.

“Why would we not simply kill them?” Mairon wondered out loud. That seemed like a waste of resources.

“And where is the fun in that?” She huffed, reminding him of her father once more.

And then, she reminded him of Melkor even more because she added the line his old master had often been repeating:

“You are too stiff. One of the best things about holding power is that we set the rules and we can make them as enjoyable as we wish.”

They completed each other. His robes were red and heavily decorated with golden elements and details such as chains and embroidered words in black speech. Her robes were the same, only golden with red thread and red decorations. Together they presented themselves very regal but it was very clear which one of them held more power even though she was standing behind him with her hands clasped behind her back.

(Y/N) could feel Adar’s eyes on her, eyeing her up and down constantly but as much as she tried to get inside his mind, he was pushing her away. It was nearly embarrassing that she could not get through but there were things her husband did not know of – for example that her power was not as vast as he thought. 

With proper training, perhaps one day she could live up to the image he had of her inside his mind but the real reason why she could search through him so easily was because she shared a special bond with Mairon. Her father had left the door open within his servant’s broken and twisted mind and it was easy for her to sneak in now, especially when he was not really fighting her abilities back – trained like a good dog by Melkor to obey such infiltrating requests and just allow it to happen.

Adar was shaped by Melkor, too, but he was different. He held no love in his heart for his former master. And… simply – nearly embarrassingly simply – (Y/N) did not love him.

But she loved Mairon and he loved her. That was making the whole deal of reading his mind much easier.

She could only guess what Adar was thinking but she could sense some odd mix of pity and resentment upon his face whenever he looked at her. 

When the right time came, he nodded at her and she took a step ahead to touch her husband’s arm and squeeze it. He turned his head to glance at her with a soft smile.

“We can start now,” she whispered and he nodded.

“Are you sure you do not want to do this with me?” He asked.

“No, better not… I am not yet prepared to give speeches,” she took a few steps back again to hide a little in the shadows, as if it was possible while wearing such robes.

Mairon licked his lips and took a deep breath in before addressing the filthy creatures staring at him with widened eyes, curiously waiting for his words.

He nearly felt embarrassed that they were the army he was offering to his wife. She deserved real, powerful battalions. And she would have them very soon once they’d conquer more lands.

“Always, after a defeat… the shadow takes another shape and grows again,” he began, watching two Orcs carrying two crowns on black, velvet cushions. Once more, he winced a little at the realisation how humiliating it had to be for his wife to have her crown being carried to her by such a filthy creature. “Morgoth is gone,” he continued, “leaving us alone and disgraced. But today, a new age begins,” he added and fidgeted with his fingers, nervously. “Under me and my wife. Your new masters. Sauron and Lady (Y/N),” he introduced the woman the Orcs were the most curious about as he reached out his arm and she sighed, taking it and walking up to him to show herself although she had just asked him not to put her on display.

“What they say is true. My wife is a daughter of Morgoth,” Mairon announced, proudly and with a big grin on his face.

“And my husband – his most faithful and powerful Lieutenant,” (Y/N) announced, trying to legitimise his claims in the eyes of their army.

Perhaps she deserved it all more than him but the truth was that without his support she would not go far. He was far more experienced than her and he had been taking part in real battles for her father. 

“And with a new age, we bring you a new vision. A path to unconditional conquest,” Mairon promised, addressing the Orcs but squeezing his wife’s hand and she squeezed his back, sensing his nervousness. “For we seek a new kind of power,” he let go of her hand and raised his own as he spoke as if he was giving them all a lesson. (Y/N) clasped her hands on her abdomen, nearly humbly, but she remained right by his side this time without retreating to the shadows. “Not of the flesh, but over flesh. A power of the unseen world. One we shall use to enslave the peoples of Middle-earth to our very will,” Mairon explained.

The Orcs looked at each other and hummed to themselves, quite satisfied with such a promise. (Y/N) cracked a smile at her husband and he smiled back but his face went very serious again.

“Many Orcs will die,” he added and the atmosphere inside the room shifted immediately as the Orcs changed their humming into growling.

“But out of the chaos, we will forge a new and perfect order. No longer will we be hunted as the demons who broke Middle-earth, but rather worshipped as the saviours who finally healed it,” Mairon tried to show some excitement while explaining his plan to the Orcs, hoping they would share his enthusiasm. After all, they were not very intelligent beings. “By bringing its peoples together, to rule them all as one!” He raised his hands but the Orcs were not calmed down at all.

Malicious whispers in Black Speech echoed through the room – “Sauron lies”.

(Y/N) moved uncomfortably and glanced at her husband but he was too embarrassed to lay his eyes upon her as well. He was slowly starting to feel humiliated and to be humbled in front of her was nearly as dreadful as death. He was desperate to prove his worth to her, to make her see that he was truly a worthy successor of her father. But whatever he was proving now was the fact he was nothing but still his pathetic servant. A shadow of Melkor.

“Doubt me at your peril,” he continued but his voice slightly trembled out of nervousness and he clasped his hands in the same manner as his wife had clasped hers. However, he managed to lower his voice once more and make it sound dark again. “You have nowhere else to turn. The Valar will never forgive you. Elves will never accept you,” he pointed out. “Men… Men will never look upon you with anything but horror and disgust,” he added with a hint of satisfaction and contempt.

The Orcs’ growling did not stop. In fact it had gotten worse.

“A corrupted and ignoble race, worthy only to be haunted and slaughtered,” Mairon ignored their unhappy reaction as he went on.

From the corner of her eye, (Y/N) spotted one of the Orcs standing nearby – chosen to be one of their personal guards – shifting slightly and she spotted a dagger in his hands.

“Watch out!” She gasped at her husband and took a step back, watching him turn around quite elegantly and slitting the Orc’s throat swiftly in self-defence.

The audience went completely quiet and (Y/N) blinked a few times at the sight. She had never witnessed her husband like that and if he cared so much about proving his worth – perhaps at this very moment he just had.

The Orc fell down to his knees, choking on his own blood. (Y/N) approached Mairon, feeling Adar’s intense gaze on her back. Her husband pulled the Orc even closer to himself and watched the life leaving his victim with fascination and resentment. (Y/N) tilted her head and watched, too.

And after a while, she reached for her own dagger and finished the assassin off with a few systematic and rough thrusts. After the last one, the Orc’s body fell down lifeless and bleeding. (Y/N) looked up into her husband’s eyes. She could sense he was surprised and impressed but he chose not to show it.

Mairon turned around to run his hands through his ginger hair that had gotten ruffled in the fight. He wanted to always present himself neatly in front of his followers, therefore he smoothed them in a nonchalant manner that also betrayed his nervousness.

(Y/N) did not bother to fix anything about her appearance while she hid her blade away without even wiping it. Her anger rose as she looked at the filthy army of the Orcs below them.

“We are your only future and our path is your only path!” She yelled at them, feeling her face swelling up with thick, black blood she inherited from her father’s cursed flesh he had been bound to. Another long silence occurred at her outburst and she felt herself calming down a little at the sight of the Orcs tilting their heads. Perhaps only now they had truly realised whose daughter she really was and that it was not wise to raise her anger. “Who among you dare say otherwise?” She asked, calmly.

No one dared to say anything, therefore she stood by Adar’s side and he took Mairon’s crown from one of the velvet cushions. Her husband was supposed to be crowned first and she cracked a smile at him once he was kneeling down, presenting himself nearly humbly as he waited for Morgoth’s reforged crown to be put onto his head.

The Orcs were growling and snarling when Adar raised the crown to show it to them but now, when (Y/N) had tasted their blood, she was not afraid to taste more. She would fight each one of them if she had to. It was her right. Her father had created them and they had no right to question her or her husband.

She had chosen Mairon to be her companion. Perhaps he had been manipulating her into this choice but, in the end, it had been entirely her decision to choose him despite everything. The only person in the whole world who had any right to question him was she. Nobody else.

She was about to become the Queen of Middle-earth and only the Queen could question her King Consort. The one she had chosen for herself.

She got a little dreamy thinking all these thoughts and spotted Mairon looking up to meet her gaze. He was so uncertain at the moment, so humiliated and so humble… Her heart clenched inside her chest as she sent him an encouraging and loving smile. It visibly soothed him and he looked down once more.

Perhaps he would never be truly worthy of her but still – out of all the men in Middle-earth – he was the most worthy one.

“All Hail, Lord Sauron and Lady (Y/N)!” Adar exclaimed in the Black Speech. “The New Dark Lord and The Dark Queen.”

A shiver of anticipation travelled down her body. Perhaps her husband would never be truly worthy of her but the truth was – she would not have been there if it was not for him. He made it all possible. He was the one to take her back from her father’s cold realm created to protect her. Because, genuinely, she was not sure if she had been able to get out of there alone.

She owed him everything just like he owed everything to her.

“All hail!” The Orcs chanted hesitantly and Adar walked up to Mairon.

(Y/N) watched Adar carefully – something was not right about him, something was very off-putting and very worrying. She furrowed her brows and then she realised what he was about to do after raising the crown up and turning it around in a swift movement, directing the iron spikes at Mairon.

“No!” She yelled and jumped into the front but a sharp pain in the abdomen stopped her from continuing.

“No!” It was Mairon’s turn to scream now as she looked down and saw the spikes of her father’s crown buried deep into her stomach. She raised her eyes and furrowed her brows at Adar – her assassin. There was satisfaction written all over his face.

“I pitied you… But you are just like him,” he whispered before taking the spikes out of her body and turning around to attack Mairon with them now. (Y/N) reached her hands out weakly but she fell to her knees and grabbed her hurt stomach.

She should not die easily – after all she was half a Vala. But she was also half an Elf and the Vala who was her father had been bound to his flesh. Therefore, an item so powerful was able to defeat her – or at least to destroy her flesh.

She choked at the blurred sight of her husband being pierced through with Morgoth’s crown and then a bunch of Orcs came at him. He was trying to fight them back bravely and get to her, shouting her name but it was all for nothing. There were too many of the Orcs keeping them apart and tearing him to pieces.

(Y/N) sobbed and Adar crouched down next to her, holding her chin up so her dying eyes could still see her husband’s torment.

“The legacy of your father is gone now,” Adar whispered right before she lost consciousness.

When (Y/N) came back to reality, she felt her own presence but there was no shape nor flesh around it. She existed as a spirit and she found herself inside the very same hall she had been slain in but it was empty now. There were dark shadows where her body and her husband’s body had laid in the puddles of thick, black blood as anger filled her whole presence at the memory of betrayal.

She felt the cold wind coming inside through the doors and she was on her way outside, already trying to come up with what her next flesh would look like. She had lost the one she was given by birth – the one which actually looked like a mix of her mother and the body her father had been bound to. But now she would forge a new flesh for herself and she had to admit that was quite exciting. Perhaps without pointy ears this time – to blend in with the crowd.

Her plan was to leave the North and to go South. To join the humans and the Elves and all the other creatures living there – to meet them, to see how they lived, to learn their patterns and about the world she was supposed to rule one day.

Finally she would leave the land of the endless snow. Where once her father and then her husband had kept her as if she was their prisoner.

But as she moved closer and closer to the door, she felt a tugging presence within the walls of the abandoned fortress. Sauron.

He was still alive somehow – in a way – just like she was but much weaker and not as aware of his own self as she was. It was no surprise, after all he was only a Maia.

And if she left him now, perhaps he would never survive on his own.

(Y/N) froze right in front of the doors leading outside. She wanted to go, she really did. She had craved to see the world ever since she had been a little girl…

But she could not leave him. She could not leave Sauron. Her husband. 

She remembered his nervous smile, his fidgeting fingers, his ginger hair, his blushing cheeks. How he would steal delicate kisses from her, how they would lay in each other’s arms under the covers and whisper sweet things. How his eyelashes would brush the skin of her cheeks in the most intimate moments.

She could not leave him. He needed her.

Even though she was not sure if he would do the same thing for her.

And just like that, she retreated and went down to the dark, cold and damp corridors under the fortress. And even though she was capable of forging herself a new flesh much quicker than he was, she delayed it because she allowed his weak and pathetic form to feed off of her energy to keep him strong and alive. She was giving herself away to him – piece by piece, which was slowing down her own progress of forging new body but it was increasing the speed of his. And she nearly felt chained with her own devotion instead of the real chains – just like her mother remained chained to her father in some foreign realm where Melkor was being punished.

“You can heal, too,” Mairon assured (Y/N) and reached out to help the dying butterfly. “Look,” he focused on giving away some of his energy to make the butterfly regain its strength and the young woman’s eyes sparkled as she laughed.

“You fed him with your own spirit,” (Y/N) noticed. “Why do you think I would let any parasite feed off of me? Who would be ever worthy of sharing my power?” She asked and Mairon’s mouth opened slightly.

This conversation had taken place when they had first met. Apparently, she found out the answer to her question – who would ever be worthy of sharing her power? He was.

(Y/N) was half-Elf and Elves were mortal creatures in a way they could be slain or fatally injured. When Adar had killed her, he had killed the elven part of her. The light was gone from her body now and it was no longer a question of whether she would tilt into the light or the darkness. Oh, no… The decision was made.

“Once we get out of here, once we forge ourselves new flesh, my darling,” she cooed to the black, slimy creature that remained all left of her husband at the moment, “we will have our revenge. And do not even try to stop me from destroying anything or anyone,” she threatened as the black, weakly breathing substance whined. “You are right, my sweet, the world needs to be healed. But it is far too rotten. We have to start over. We have to rebuild it once more, from the ashes of the current one. The Dark Queen and her Dark Lord.”

She had been nothing but a chrysalis so far but – soon – she would bloom into a beautifully terrifying butterfly.

Into her father’s daughter.

MASTERLIST

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

sorry for being super late to the zhuge liang time-loop party but image we're several iterations in and our boy kongming is sitting in his little mountain hut waiting for liu bei to show up like he always does but this time sun zhou yu turns up instead

oh ho this is a hilarious concept! this is the enemies to enemies timeline we all need. i think it would make more sense for lu su and zhou yu to turn up, because of the simple reason that sun quan is a duke at this point and can't leave the palace for such an extended period of time vs liu bei the one-horse warlord.

ok, the timeline needs to be super fucked up at this stage in order to bring these two togather, because in the alpha timeline even though kongming was fairly well known as a genius hermit, he hasn't done anything so extraordinary at this stage that it warrents a personal visit from the two most powerful people in the southland.

i think we can do this by making him kinda new to the whole timeloop thing, and he accidentally/on purpose reveals some future events in order to get liu bei to find him faster, and it ends up backfiring.

picture this: kongming is sitting in his thatched hut, tears in his eyes, heart all a-flutter, waiting for his beloved leige lord to turn up, and the servant is like "master, there's three important men at the door" (idk who the third guy should be but it's a nice round number. maybe huang gai?) kongming: !!!! "ok, I will play some music to set the mood. i was rude last time by falling asleep and i want to make a good impression."

not even 3 bars in and a VERY familiar voice calls out "you're flat."

kongming is so fucking outraged that for a second he forgets to be surprised because that was ONE HALF-STEP DOWN, ASSHOLE!!!! YOU trying getting reincarnated and deincarnated several times over and then meet your soulmate (he called liu bei that irl, look it up) and see how steady your hands are, asshole!!! god, this is just like wei wuxian from my danmeis...

then it dawns on him that none of the peach garden trio have musical literacy. he runs outside, takes one look at the three men in his courtyard and is like "well, this timeline is a wash. aight im gonna go out back and bash my head in. on second thought, i should do it here and freak zhou yu out. suicidal existential despair is no excuse not to troll zhou yu."

but the afformentioned takes this opportunity to stroll into kongming's bedroom, and starts tuning his qin (not a euphamism) without permission. kong ming says passive-agressively, "i see you're quite adept at tightening another man's strings" (not a euphamism), zhou yu replies "a neglected instrument is like a neglected soul" (not a euphamism), "are you offering to duet?" says kongming through gritted teeth to which zhou yu replies "oh don't worry, i can see you're out of practise so i'll be gentle and take it slow," (not a--) and it's at this point lu su grabs huang gai by the elbow and goes "wow, what a nice bamboo grove! the two of us are going for a walk! a nice LONG walk FAR AWAY in the BAMBOO GROVE for THIRTY TO FORTY MINUTES! see you in THIRTY TO FORTY MINUTES!"

huang gai: i literally spent 30 years in the army you don't need all these euphamisms.

lu su: LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SCENIC RUSTLING OF THE BAMBOO!

*insert that scene from Flirting Scholar where zhou yu and kongming start fighting, they roll under a table, there is a brief skirmish, and they come out with their clothes swaped. they are playing doubles on a single qin the entire time.*

[cesarescabinet]

(this is spacekrakens lmao) dude idk anything about like 1950s Japanese cinema, do you have any recommendations? looking for stuff to toss on the watchlist now that I'm a bit burned out on horror (unless you have some horror recs)

Hey! If you’re curious about Japanese cinema (particularly 1950s), there’s a lot of avenues to explore! Musicals, crime, horror, historical—it all depends on what mood you’re in. (Putting this under a read more because I'm DEFINITELY going to be long posting about this!!!) Hope this is useful to you lol.

(Also noting if anybody wants to add to this list with their own recommendations feel free!!)

With old school Japanese cinema, I’ll always recommend Akira Kurosawa (obviously). He’s made some of the best Japanese movies (and arguably, the best movies of all time imo) and I feel like his work is a good gateway. It’s readily available on physical media/streaming too.

Specifically ‘50s stuff; Hidden Fortress (1958) is a good adventure flick whose structure was swiped for Star Wars, Throne of Blood (1957) is Japanese Macbeth if you like Shakespeare, and if you don’t mind a longer movie Seven Samurai (1954) includes Toshiro Mifune acting like this;

Gotta admit, though—my personal favorites from Kurosawa don’t come from the 1950s; Drunken Angel (1948) and Yojimbo (1961). One has a pathetic gangster as the main lead, the other is just a solid, breezy proto-action film (also has my beloved Unosuke but that's besides the point)

Some personal favorites of mine from the 1950s:

Life of a Horse Trader (1951) is a bittersweet story about a man trying to be a good single father to his son in the backdrop of Hokkaido. He tends not to be great at it. Stars Toshiro Mifune, the most famous face of Japanese cinema and for good reason!

Conflagration/Enjo (1958) is a single Buddhist acolyte’s fall into quiet insanity. Raizo Ichikawa is another amazing actor who I love! Also includes Tatsuya Nakadai who is the GOAT (in my heart).

Godzilla (1954) is AMAZING! If you liked Gozilla Minus One, it took a lot of familiar cues from this movie. It also technically counts as horror, depending on your definition.

Japanese horror from the 1950s:

Ugetsu (1951) (Not one I’ve seen personally, but it’s on Criterion)

The Beast Shall Die (1958) (American Psycho, but in Showa Japan. Tatsuya Nakadai is terrifying in this and absolutely despicable—stylish movie tho!)

Ghost of Yotsuya (1959) (Old-school Japanese ghost story. Honestly, there are so many different versions of this story on film that you can pick which version to watch and go from there—I’m partial to the 1965 version myself, because of the rubber rats and Tatsuya Nakadai playing a crazy person).

The Lady Vampire (1959) is the OG western-style vampire movie from Japan. Plays around with the mythos a lot, but hey our Dracula looks like this;

Misc movies that I think are neat or good gateway movies:

The Samurai Trilogy by Hiroshi Inagaki, which stars Toshiro Mifune as Miyamoto Musashi. Found that people otherwise uninterested in Japanese cinema really enjoyed this!

You Can Succeed, Too (1964) is one of my favorites from the ‘60s, also directed by Eizō Sugawa. A fun satire on the corporate world that's super colorful with catchy songs.

The Sword of Doom (1966) is also another favorite of mine, starring my beloved Tatsuya Nakadai as another bastard man (seriously though Ryunosuke is FASCINATING to me--). Fun gore effects and action scenes!

Kwaidan (1964) is an anthology of Japanese folk tales, labeled a horror film but in that kinda sorta old-school way. Beautifully shot by my favorite Japanese director Masaki Kobayashi (who, if you like this you should seriously check out his other work!)

[raphaelesbian]

Ok ok ok so hear me out! Shush! I'm not crazy! Just....just....just....stop screaming.....LISTEN!!!

So we open with a song I'll call "Hamato vs Foot" which is very "Horse and The Infant" from Epic esque. War drums. Large powerful chorus of ninjas singing about the feud and how much they hate eachother. There is a big battle happening.

"The Hamatos are ending the Foot tonight."

Then we have a break/bridge/whatever that's very "Just A Man" from Epic and "Dear Theodosia" from Hamilton (but much dramatic, less domestic) for when Hamato Yutta finds baby Saki and debates killing him, but decides to take him in instead.

This part will be done with a specific motif that I'm calling "Miwa's Melody". (That's a surprise tool to help us later!)

"This child will not die for my cause. I'll take him home. Raise him as my own. He doesn't have to know who his father really was."

Time skip!!!

I'll call this "Brothers Song". I can't find anything with the right feel, but kinda "Two Player Game" from Be More Chill, but COMPLETELY different sound. (Video games just don't fit here, despite being set in Japan in the 80's and 90's.) For some reason "Two By Two" from Sofia The First is the closest song I can find to MATCH MY VISION!!!

I'm not crazy! Shut up!

Anyways. So the "Brothers Song" would jave either two or three time skips. Depending.Either, Toddler to Tweens to Young Men, or just Tweens to Young Men.

"Brother Song" would be a song aboit Saki and Yoshi being a team and promising to be there for eachother. Very cute. Very happy. Very hopeful. Bonus points for ever "Wizard And I" from Wicked lile wordplay. IE, lines that COMPLETELY change meaning when you know the ending and are suddenly twisting knives! (Think Saki saying something like "I'd follow you to the other side of the world!" although our story isn't showing that pay off.)

We end with two grown men.

Enter Shen.

IDK if I was to give her an intro song or not, but definitely something where Saki and Yoshi are singing over eachother with COMPETING melodies. (Do you see it!? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE VISION!?!?!?)

Yoshi gets his own love song duet with Shen. Think "I Can Hear The Bells" from Hairspray or "Elephant Love Melody" from Moulin Rouge.

Let's face it. We all know we need a "I will love you until my dying day" like line here and why!

The Saki gets hisbown duet with Shen I'm calling the "Silver Medal Song". Shen is confirming that she loves him, but that Yoshi is her first choice. No amount of convincing from Saki is going to change that. He can't win because the fact Shen choose Yoshi first will never go away. Even if they got together. It would bother him forever and he would never be happy.

"Even if you get the prize. Will if truly make you happy if your medal is still silver?"

Shen leaves stage and we are left with Saki singing a solo I'm calling "Saki's Lament". Think "Pity The Child" from Chess with a touch of "Sally's Song" from Nightmare Before Christmas. "We're never to become. For I am not the one."

Basically it's Saki airing out that he's always felt lile second place to Yoshi. He loves his brother, but he doesn't know why it feels like Yoshi is always the favorite. (We may have a few musical hints at a later song at the end of this one)

End of Act One!

We open Act Two with a fully proper song arpund the previously established "Miwa's Melody". This is more domestic. Almoat unrecognizable. Miwa is born and her parents are blissfully. Even more "Dear Theodosia" and maybe a little "Everything Changes" from Waitress. Maybe a touch of "Thank Goodness" from Wicked.

I'm not sure if we end the song on it, or if Saki waits until the dialog section, but he RUINS the mood. He's not happy.

Maybe it's a few scenes, or this one goes on for a while, but I think the "Yoshi loses his temper" scene gpes here. Maybe an angry reprise of "Brothers Song"

Our next song is when Shen rips Saki aside to rip him a new one.

The cut song "Congratulations" from Hamilton". "Nobody's Side" and "Florence Quits" from Chess. "You want to lose your only friend well keep up you're doing fine!" is SUCH the vibe for this!

Shen tears into Saki for his misbehavior and warns him that he needs to get a grip.

"You'll destroy everything you have and hurt everyone you have to love! Me your friend, Yoshi your brother, and you yourself!"

Bad Sad. Maybe throw in some motifs from "Saki's Lament" Because Shen loves and understands him, even if he's not the man she choose to have romantically.

Then, while Saki is dealing with that Yutta reveals his true heritage.

We start the next song as a reprise of "Saki's Lament" but it morphs into the big bombastic villain descent song. "Shredder's Song" Kind of "No Good Deed" from Wicked. Kind of "Hell To Your Doorstep" from Count Of Monty Cristo. Lind of "Epiphany" from Sweeney Todd.

This is the moment Saki dies from heartbreak and The Shredder is born from that grave.

Now we cut away to what I'm calling the "Cassandra Song" from Shen. She's trying to warn Yoshi that things are about to go south. Yoshi ignores her and leaves part wau through the song, and she's left lamenting that bother men she loves are stupid and probably doomed.

Part "Sally's Song" From Nightmare Before Christmas. "What will become of my dear friend? Where will his actions lead us then?" and a lot "Someone Else's Story" from Chess with a dash of "I Know Him So Well". "Although the feelings run just as deep. The promise she made has grown impossible to keep."

So now. NOW!!! NOW WE HAVE THE CLIMAX!!!

A little diddy I would called "Foot vs Hamato." which is very "Horse and The Infant" from Epic esque. War drums. Large powerful chorus of ninjas singing about the feud and how much they hate eachother. There is a big battle happening.

"The Foot are ending the Hamatos tonight."

Sound familiar? Oh yeah baby!!!! SYMMETRY!!!!!

Only instead of the break wjere Hamato Yutta sang Miwa's Melody.

The Shredders is reprising hia hit new single.

Yoshi runs in to fight him singing another reprise of "Brothers Song". Maybe in a pleading manner, maybe another angry version.

It harmonizes of course.

The chorus is still going strong with "Foot vs Hamato"

Shen adds a layer of "Cassandra Song" as she sets Miwa down to jump in.

Then everything stops when Shen gets hit.

There's a sad reprise of Yoshi and Shen's duet. You KNOW this is where the "I will love you until my dying day" line comes back!

Screams, roof caves in. Shredder finds Miwa.

Shredder sings Hamato Yutta's part from "Hamato vs Foot" as he decides to take Miwa!

"This child will not die for my cause. I'll take her home. Raise her as my own. She doesn't have to know who her father really was."

The one more time skip to see a child Karai interactingnwith Shredder who sings a reprise, not of "Miwa's Melody" again, but "Brothers Song" symbolic of the fact Karai os not only a stand in for her mother, the woman Shredder lost, but also her father, the brother he misses. Also hinting that Shredder will destroyed her and their bond the same way he destroyed Yoshi and their brotherhood.

Alright. Thank you for your attention. You may all chew through the restrains now.

I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 this is literally SO COOL OMG. I've read this whole thing through a few times, listening to each of the song examples you gave, and it's just. Augh you've put it together so well?? Like I can just SEE and HEAR it and I would kill someone for it to be real omfg.

Yoshi and Saki having a competing melody song fight over Shen??? I ABSOLUTELY see the vision it's FANTASTIC god it fits so well that would be so funnnn. And I'm just obsessed with the levity, considering this is kind of a turning point in their story. Going from that, to the duets, to Saki's LAMENT. Him always feeling second to Yoshi..... oh man.

Saki coming in to ruin the mood!! Like imagining coming back from intermission, the curtains draw back and it's so light and happy and peaceful, and then Saki's very presence rips that away. \

(CONGRATULATIONS MENTION. fucking love that one, can't believe they cut it)

The idea of Shen's "Cassandra Song" is so cool omg, like. God, imagining her trying so hard to convince Yoshi of the coming storm and him brushing her off, IMMEDIATELY following Shredder's big villain song (which OH MY GOD that would be so cool I'm shaking and biting. Epiphany is one of my fav songs I can just aaaaaaasdhgsdhg imagining his whole like. Breakdown, like I feel like Epiphany is a really good example of the singer so vividly SNAPPING as the song goes on. Just, imagining Saki starting mournful, then ending the song straight up snarling the lines).

The carry through of "Brothers Song," from the bright optimistic montage in the beginning, to the angry reprise when they fight, to a desperate, begging reprise during the climax. Absolute AGONY I love that kind of thing in a musical. A good reprise is AMAZING.

I love the idea of starting with Hamato vs Foot, and Yuuta finding Saki and audibly debating what to do before deciding to take him, and then ENDING with the inverse, and Saki repeating Yuuta's line about not allowing a child to day for your cause and keeping their heritage from them??? hsdkaghksdghsldgk !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's about the PARALLELS!!!!

AND THEN ENDING. WITH BROTHERS SONG. WITH SHREDDER AND KARAI. BITING YOU BITING YOU. OH I GOT CHILLS.

[suspicious-of-simple-answers]

I know that Barbenheimer was mostly a meme but I did actually go watch Barbie and Oppenheimer on the same day and... They kind of actually complemented each other really well. I'll elaborate on that, but major spoiler warning: stop reading right now if you don't want spoilers for either movie.

Oppenheimer, by itself, was about the atomic bomb and the man who led its development. But in the context of Barbie, Oppenheimer was about what a world ruled by men has done. And, just like in Barbie, the fragile male ego was a big motivator of evil in Oppenheimer. I know that it's a bit silly to compare Barbie to a very serious movie based on an actual historical tragedy, but these are just my thoughts after watching them.

In Oppenheimer, the movie spent a lot of time on the development of the atomic bomb, of course, but also a fair bit of it focused on Oppenheimer's life. In the last 45 minutes of the movie we slowly found out how Lewis Strauss tried to destroy Oppenheimer's life and reputation. And that wasn't because of his involvement with the bomb: no, it was because Oppenheimer had been mean to him. Strauss had all these other reasons he claimed, stuff about communists and whatever, but really the reason was that Oppenheimer had humiliated Strauss.

And in Barbie, Ken turned Barbieland into a patriarchal nightmare world because Barbie had been mean to him. He had all these other reasons too, like finding horses cool, but the real reason was that Barbie had always taken him for grantedand always left him out. It's different from humiliation, but still. Idk, I see a parallel.

Barbie made fun of the meeting room full of men in suits talking about empowering girls (by selling more Barbies). In Oppenheimer, we saw meeting rooms full of men in suits deciding what city gets obliterated, making plans on whether to make bigger bombs or try to work on diplomacy, and so on. The depiction of what happened in Barbieland when the Kens took over - a world where a bit of jealousy, tiny bruises to men's egos, can start a war - wasn't so far off from reality. In reality we have big important men in charge making big important decisions about who lives and who dies - and sometimes the real reasoning is as superficial as "I had my honeymoon there."

Oh and about the women in Oppenheimer: I can only recall five. There was a communist seductress, an alcoholic wife, a friend's wife, a secretary and a female scientist (and some unnamed students but I won't count them, they were barely characters). The one feminist quip the scientist lady made does not make up for the fact that frankly, the women had zero agency. One got killed, one just turned a radio on once, one was just someone to cheat with, and one was passionate and made some great points in a crossexamination (but then that amounted to nothing). This, sadly, is historically pretty accurate, so I won't blame the movie for this. Tbh I'm happy about any little bit of presentation women in science get, and I liked the little quip from the chemist. But still, not a lot of women in this movie.

So, to anyone who might want to complain about the representation of men in Barbie (a movie that is just as much about a woman as Oppenheimer is about a man), I'd like to point out that Barbie had far more (and more complex) male characters than Oppenheimer had women. There were Ken, the other Kens, Allan, the Mattel CEO, Aaron Dinkins, Sasha's dad... and the men in Barbie actually got to do things and affect the course of the movie. In Oppenheimer, just like most movies, women were just a fun accessory with zero real impact.

That's my two cents. Overall both movies were good, very much recommended. But don't go into Oppenheimer expecting much more than a biography. (And if you watch both, watch Oppenheimer first or you'll just ruin the good mood gained from Barbie).

[dynasty889]

So I just listened to the Circe Saga. I didn’t listen to it on the Discord listening party, so I had wait until it was released onto Spotify haha. I literally kept checking Spotify over and over until it showed up. Should I be asleep? Yes. Do I care? No.

This is definitely like the dance party saga of EPIC. Like Puppeteer and Wouldn’t You Like are just begging listeners to get up and move I swear. And I can’t even dance lol.

With that being said, here are the songs ranked in my personal opinion.

1. Puppeteer - The entire part where Circe is singing is the best part. I don’t really know how to describe it because I’m tired, but I just liked this one a lot. I’d dance to this

2. Wouldn’t You Like - The Hermes Saga is required. That’s all I have to say. I would also dance to this one too.

3. There Are Other Ways - I liked it. I loved it when I heard Penelope’s little viola motif and stuff. I’m pretty sure it was the same one that was in The Horse and the Infant and at least the start of The Challenge. Odysseus’ verse reminds me a lot of Say No To This and Keep Your Friends Close for some reason haha. Also that ending like that is serious talent. Also when Circe goes “problem is this prophet is dead” and it just goes morbid lol. Like 👀😵‍💫

4. Done For - I’m gonna be completely honest. This one felt rushed. Not in a sense that Jay rushed the song, but the way the song conveys the events happening. That’s how it felt rushed. It felt like it went from the two fighting with their magical monsters to immediately Circe changing her tactics with no break. Like immediately after Odysseus goes “You’ve lost” Circe immediately starts her next tactic. I just felt like there could have been a pause there. Just a split second. I don’t really know.

Overall: Alright, so first I’m pretty sure by song length this saga is the shortest. Not at all bad, I just noticed that and I like to say what I notice. But I did feel like the saga was very quick and condensed, and this was kind of the first time I felt like the events in a saga were condensed. I feel like if these songs were performed live, there would be breaks in between the songs as scenes change, so it’d feel more natural I guess when the mood changes too.

P.S. Circe was def based on Madeline Miller Circe I feel like. Especially in the ending There Are Other Ways I feel. Idk, I get that vibe haha.

I know this review is pretty messy and rushed and obviously, these were my first opinions. They’ll probably change as I listen to the songs more so yeah. None of what I say is set in stone.

[mousyjay]

Sympathy Kiss Review

I’m finally playing Sympathy Kiss, I bought it about a week after it came out but didn’t end up playing it right away. But I’m excited to get started, from what I know it’s an office romance and more slice of life. Which honestly I’m stoked for, I’ve really been in a slice of life mood lately, so I’m excited for a more grounded game (hopefully). Not to mention I just started my corporate job, so I can fully immerse myself in the game. When she describes her daily routine, that’s me right now, only enough time to really work and the bare minimum of life (eating, chores, hygiene, and sleeping).

My initial thoughts after playing the prologue, is that it was much shorter than many of the others I’ve done. Cafe Enchante, and Bustafellows had VERY long common routes. So this shorter one was a welcome change of pace. I like the art style and how there’s animated bits, plus I love the looking over the shoulder sprites, it feels very dynamic. One thing I’m not sure how to feel about, is that MC doesn’t actually have dialogue. So it feels like this game is heavily catering towards people that self-insert (which I do), since you can change her first and last name, she doesn’t have a sprite, and even to the extent she doesn’t have real dialogue. Which I’m not sure how to feel about, especially after playing so many games with MCs that have very defined personalities. Maybe it’ll be different once in a route, and maybe I’ll like it after a bit, but it’s definitely throwing me off that I don’t actually know word-for-word what she’s saying.

Just off of the intro I think I’m most drawn to Mistuki, Kohei, Nori, and Rokuro. Mistuki reminds me of Mineo from CxM, just very outgoing and bubbly, low-key puppy vibes. Kohei has probably my favorite out of looks, although I think Nori is a close second. Rokuro I’m mainly interested in because he reminds me of a cowboy lmao, he wears a bolo tie and rides horses, I know the girls say “prince type” but to me (as a Texan) it screams cowboy and that intrigues me. Overall pretty excited to play, although I’m still not 100% sure on what to except lol.

Mitsuki Saotome

Up first is Mitsuki for two reasons, first being as I previously mentioned he’s caught my attention, second he was the first guy I met in game. Like I said, he gives me similar vibes to Mineo, so I think I’ll enjoy his route. He just seems so upbeat, a little eccentric, and kind of puppy-like. I also tend to like LIs who are close in age to MC/me, and he’s about my age and only a year older than MC. The prologue being short means I don’t have much else to say, but I think it’ll be fun.

Honestly after playing I really don’t know how to feel. I think the game is pretty easy to play, and it’s pretty short (probably the same length as a Voltage game). But I just kinda felt like something was lacking, I’m not sure if it just because I ended up not liking Mitsuki that much or what. I thought I’d really like him, but he was just okay. I didn’t really have any moments where I was giddy or felt anything really. I think the MC having no dialogue is making it really hard for me to get invested. I also feel like the writing just isn’t the best, like some scenes it’s really good, but others I just feel like I couldn’t get into it. But maybe it really is just that Mitsuki wasn’t the best fit for me. I really want to like this game, so I hope I like the next route, but this one just didn’t do it for me.

Yoji Kobase

I’ve decided to do Kobase next mainly because I’m kinda of unsure how I’ll feel about him. I kind of think his route will be fun, although I’m not sure if he’s my usual type. I think from what I’ve seen of him he seems to at least be a considerate and kind person so hopefully his route will be a nice change of pace from the first one I played. Also I know all the guys in this game are shiny and have extra-shiny lips, but his in particular keep catching my eye 😅 so idk what that says about my subconscious, but he’s got very glossy lips I can’t look away from lol.

Okay, so thankfully I actually really enjoyed this route! I think it was super interesting and much more fun to play than Mitsuki’s route. Yoji is your classic serious guy, with a heart of gold. He’s just a very sweet and considerate person, very reliable and loyal. This route also had a semi forced proximity trope which is nice. I also enjoyed the plot of this route a lot more. Overall it was very good, and gives me hope to play the rest of the game.

Kohei Minato

Next on the list is Kohei. I really like him looks wise, and from the prologue he seems to be a kind person. He’s definitely more reserved and quiet, but I think he’s one of those characters that just takes time to open up to others. He’s probably the kind of tsundere I like, kind of like Ryuki from Cupid Parasite, where he’s not excessively mean he’s just passionate and reserved. So I’m looking forward to his route, hopefully they do him justice and it’s not boring like Mitsuki’s was.

Kohei, my beloved 🥹💕. This route was so up my alley, oml. I think I really related to Kohei’s character in a lot of ways, like the way he loves and wants to support his family. Not to mention I also have a very large age gap with my two youngest siblings so I could relate to his relationship with his. I think my initial thoughts were kind of correct, but he also really reminded me of parts of 707’s route, where it’s very self-deprecating and he tries pushing her away. I feel like him and 707 share a lot of character traits in that aspect and how they care and protect their families. But honestly this route had a lot of stuff I’m a sucker for. Not to expose myself too much, although I’ve mentioned these in past reviews, but I love that he’s a little possessive, I love the teasing, it had a scene where he licked her wound, plus he’s into biting, I mean really say less, matches my freak ngl. I also enjoyed the plot for this one, and I liked getting to see his family and their dynamics. I think the ending was also good, I’m glad they didn’t totally force him to forgive his dad, because I know in other games I’ve played that’s been a problem, but I know it’s partially a cultural thing. But overall I really loved this route, and Kohei is definitely my favorite by far right now!

Shuya Usui

To be completely honest, I think is the route I’m looking forward to least out of all the main route. I just really don’t like the older characters or ones with large age gaps, typically. Which is twofold, one I’m in my 20s and I’ve never really been super into older guys, secondly I feel like most “older guy” routes make it really weird. Like instead of making the age gap feeling like it’s not a big deal, it’s usually all both people think about which weirds me out. There was also a whole scene in Kohei’s route where Usui talks about how young Kohei seems to him, and Kohei is two years older than, MC so I just do not like it. Plus looks wise he’s not my favorite. I really worry this is just going to be like a non-supernatural version of Rindo’s route 😣.

Okay, as I suspected, this was not the route for me. I’m so sorry, but I’m not a DILF girlie. Sure, there are attractive older guys, but I’ve never been romantically drawn to older guys 😅. Not to mention Usui is 45 years old. 45. The MC is 23. Yes, they are both consenting adults, but I’m 23 and my mom is 45. That’s literally all I could think, he could actually be her dad. To make it worse the age gap was THE MAIN CONFLICT. Like their age gap was the focus of the game. Like I already don’t like large age gaps, but I especially don’t like when the older person constantly talks about how young and naive the younger one is, and how inappropriate it is. Because if you think she’s not mature, or is too young for you, THEN DONT DATE HER, LIKE WHAT?!?! I just hated this one, it was not for me. I really like him as a mentor supporting character, but as a LI I cannot get behind this relationship. I will say I did kind of like the ending, but I was definitely speed reading it at that point because I just wanted to be done 😭. So sorry, if you love Usui, or want a DILF, go for it, but I just can’t, so sorry.

Nori Tainaka

So I took about a week off playing this game so that I could crochet my (irl) husband a birthday gift. Plus, after that last route I just needed a little break lol. But I’m back and excited to play!

Up next is Nori! I’m very excited for Nori’s route, he’s so cute. I love his hair, beauty mark, piercings, and his tattoo. He seems really sweet, plus I personally love the house husband trope. I think if I played this game blind, I probably would have gotten him first, solely because I’d feel bad leaving him alone 😅. But I think his route will be very interesting and I’m very excited to learn more about his past.

Oml 😭 I love him💕. Genuinely he is so cute and so sweet. I absolutely adore him so much. Like he’s such a puppy, it kind of reminds me of my husband is some ways. I think this route was one where I love him, but MC made me sooo mad at times. Like she should treat him better lol. Like he can do no wrong. Nori is perfect. The world has wronged him, but he’s an angel who deserves better. I don’t think the plot for his route was as strong, but my love and adoration for him kept me going 💕💕💕💕. Genuinely not sure if I love Nori or Kohei more, they are both tied in my heart rn.

Rokuro Yoshioka

I’ve said it before and it’ll say it again, they may call him a prince, but to me he’s more like a cowboy. He wears a bolo tie and rides horses, that’s some western country boy energy lol. I think his route will be fun, I hope there’s the trope where everyone sees him as a prince, but in reality he’s the opposite (but hopefully not mean since I don’t usually like that). I also hope the horse and horse riding plays a role in the story. I think this one has a lot of great potential!

Shut up 😭 why was this route so cute. This literally had me kicking my feet and squealing. I’m so sorry to my other boys, but I think Rokuro just shot up to my favorite so far. He’s just such a sweeting and such a genuine and kind person. He also gets blushy so easily, and him and MC have such a sweet and wholesome relationship. He’s also maybe the first guy that actually respected her wishes and boundaries. Oml I literally love him so much 🥹💕. His route has some tropes I didn’t love, but I think it did it in a way that it was still fun to play. Honestly some of his route reminds me a lot of Ray from Empherial, although he’s a lot nicer than Ray lol. But yeah, I adored this route! Super cute!

***SPOILERS AHEAD - SECRET ROUTES***

Oops, I stopped playing for like a month 😅 I had full intentions of playing it sooner, but I started streaming again, had my birthday, and overall life got crazy. Plus Otome games are just one of my hobby and I was reading and crocheting more lately, so it kind of fell to the way side. But now I’m going to finish it! Secret Routes here we go!

I already know who the two guys are going to be. It’s pretty obvious from the prologue and other routes. One will be YOFY the program guy who is most likely also Rokuro’s younger brother. And the other, will be Higa, Rokuro’s co-worker. With that said, let’s play secret route 1!

Secret Route 1 (YOFY/Soh Yoshioka)

I was pretty excited going into this route, since I liked his brother’s route a lot. Plus mysterious programmers are always fun. But I’m definitely glad I had a break between him in his brother, because otherwise I’d feel a little weird about going from one to the next so soon lol.

Not going to lie, I have no idea how to feel about this route. I really liked YOFY as a character, he’s very cute and I don’t mind the “younger guy”/ “little brother” love interests. I think the story was engaging and fast paced (as well as actually being shorter). But *spoiler alert*, he’s kind of a yandere. Which don’t get me wrong, I LOVE yanderes. I think they are super fun, and I love exploring the unhealthy obsession and possessiveness of yanderes in a fictional setting. But I think it just feels so jarring because his route is shorter, and it all happens in the last chapter, so there’s not enough time to really resolve things naturally. Plus with this game being more slice of life, it feels kind of out of place. I think honestly, I would have enjoyed it more if his route was longer and they made him a main route, not bonus route. Also I think seeing the younger guy/cutesy guy he a yandere is a more interesting approach, I personally haven’t seen done very often (other than Yandere Yoosung). I think I did enjoy the route, but I just wish it was longer so it could have been even better. As a character I really love YOFY.

Secret Route 2 (Tsukihiko Higa)

To be honest, going in I wasn’t sure what I’d think. Higa seemed pretty nice the few times we see him. And he kind of looks like an older version of Makoto from Free. Going into now, I’m quite excited as it seems he has a kid, which is totally new to me. Not only that, but I’m definitely a pretty maternal person, I love kids, and want to be a mom, so getting a route like this is very exciting. I can’t wait to see where it goes!

Well, I won’t lie, I didn’t really like this route. I really wanted to like it, but something about it just didn’t work for me. Not sure if it’s just because I was tired, or what, but it just wasn’t that good. I feel like the story was too all over the place and the ending really dragged. It kind of feels like a waste, since the single parent idea has so much potential. But it felt like they rushed and slacked on the romance part, just to shove in a story B plot that wasn’t even that good. Definitely disappointed.

Overall Thoughts

I think this game is a real mixed bag. I still don’t think I like that MC has no dialogue, it’s really weird and can make parts of the story confusing. You do adjust to it, but I really feel like it takes away from the story.

I think a lot of the routes were fun to play, and had a fun plot. But honestly not sure if I’d recommend the game, I’d say this is one that’s better to get on sale if you can. The music is okay, and the visuals are great, voice acting was pretty amazing, but the stories weren’t great. A lot of the plots struggled in some aspect which sucks.

I think if you like slice of life games, and you’ve played a lot of mobile and self insert games, you’ll probably like Symapthy Kiss. But if not, this would probably be a skip.

Overall if I had to rank the guys I think I’d go Rokuro as my favorite for both plot and character, followed by Kohei (plot and character are great), Nori (love Nori, the plot is just okay), then Yoji (really fun plot, and good character). The rest I could honestly do with out. The two other main guys just were not fun at all to play, and the two secret routes both struggled with pacing but for opposite reasons. I think the game might have been better if they just stick with my top 4 guys, and gave them a more detailed story.

I think I did enjoy the game, and might even replay some routes again, but it’s not in my top games. I’m pretty disappointed given how much I’ve been wanting a good slice of life game, and I feel like this just kind of missed the mark. I almost feel like I would’ve been better off getting the Oops! I Said Yes?! on the switch 😅. But no hate, I think this fans has some good points.

I hope you enjoyed this review, so sorry it took me so long. Now that I’m working full time, it’s definitely hard to find the time to juggle all my hobbies, and binge games 😅. I think I’ll probably be play a bunch of Voltage games and Love and Deepspace for a bit since they are easier to fit in my schedule. So I may do some occasional posts about them. I also finally got Amnesia, so I may do a less detailed post on that. Not sure yet when my next big post will be, but it will most likely be on Olympia Soirée. Until then bye!

[huntquinlan]

Hi❤️ Happy new year. I hope I not intruding, but I read some of your tags on an elucien post where you said you have been in the SJM fandom since crown of midnight. Which means you have survived almost all the shipwars. So I just want to know, some stuff

Like was it as violent? Lol

Did you ship Rowan and Aelin? if not who did you ship? What about the other couples, did you ship them correctly? What about with Tamlin and Rhys? Did you guess that ferye was going to end up with Rhys ? Where they even ship wars at that time?

sorry I am asking so many questions, I just want to know how it was then and find out your experience.

hi darling! happy new year! 💖

yes, i was reading TOG back when it originally came out, and ACOTAR too! I used my main back then and tragically used no tagging system lmao. i also had an ACOTAR aesthetic sideblog for a short period of time but ultimately deleted it. I survived the heir of fire into queen of shadows hiatus (a badge i wear with honor). rest under a read more because i like to talk a lot

the caveat though is that i was 12-13 years old LMAO (remember folks, TOG was originally YA - I was the target audience up until QOS/EOS). so my memory of the fandom is kind of hazy but the discourse and ship ways were a very real thing back then too, i just didn’t spend a ton of time on them because i was like 12 and didn’t care that much. i don’t remember there being as many death threats and anonymous troll blogs, but back then on tumblr you’d just make a call out on your blog and tag the person you wanted to fight with (this was pre-direct messaging on tumblr! and discord).

i shipped rowan and aelin from HOF, yes! it was super clear to me that they were going to be endgame, even though it broke my doraelin heart. i liked chaol and chaolaena fine but dorian. dorian is still one of my favorite SJM characters to this day. i also REALLY liked malide (manon x elide) but once lorcan became a MC i realized there was zero chance of that happening in canon and that we were getting elorcan💔(though don’t get me wrong i like elorcan!)

back then the TOG fandom was killer, there were a ton of active people, artists, and editors making mood boards and things. and lots of infighting of course. it’s really pretty quiet now, all things considered

i read the first ACOTAR right when it came out while waiting for QOS, like most SJM fans did at the time. we were desperate for any clues/hints for TOG (even though there was no indication the series were connected). but ACOTAR didn’t really have a prolific fan base until ACOMAF, and then it exploded with the first wave of feysand girlies for a while at least. most original fans have dropped off since ACOWAR unfortunately. I did too actually. ACOWAR didn’t have a super great reception from what i remember (looking back it was kind of similar to the reception that HOFAS got lmao, but on the nicer end). and by ACOFAS a lot of people were frustrated by the lack of forward momentum in the story. also people wanted KOA at that point and were like “fuck this noise” lmfao.

i didn’t ship feysand until ACOMAF and actually was super mad at first because I liked feylin in ACOTAR (and I still like Tamlin! he’s an interesting character!!) but it grew on me a lot. i actually thought like a bunch of people that the reason rhys was surprised at the end of acotar was because he sensed feyre was pregnant lmao. i casually shipped moriel too like most people at that point. i don’t remember having a strong opinion on nessian, but i did ship elucien!! there also was definitely drama over the 180 from feylin to feysand (no new points have been made since acomaf came out, it’s a dead horse). i don’t remember any ship wars when only the first ACOTAR book was out, but it wasn’t super popular on here initially so idk. there def were people into rhysand but most TOG people were like “….why does he look like maeve??”

take all this as a caveat as my memory of the fandom spaces i was privy too though! my words are not word of god. i was a pretty casual fan all things considered and super young so i wasn’t in the thick of it, i was there for vibes and because no one i knew IRL was reading TOG or ACOTAR so i wanted people to talk to about them

i relistened to all of the acotar books last fall when a good college friend got into them and i was like “oh!! i remember those books!!” and then listened to ACOSF for the first time. and then i read all of CC and was super obsessed, and finally made a sideblog so i didn’t piss off my mutuals on my main! which brings us to present day

p.s. i dug out my old copies that i had from the TOG series from under my bed in my childhood bedroom while home on holiday. 13yo jade is astounded that these are worth so much money now - and she thought they were popular 10 years ago!! i got TOD from the library because i was broke when it came out and didn’t like that it didn’t match the others the same way. and i didn’t buy KOA with the original color when it came out because i didn’t like that it was that weird yellow color :( i’ve also started rereading QoS, I haven’t reread it since it came out (no joke).

[faeriecinna]

WIP Questionnaire

Thank you for the tag @buffythevampirelover !

Project.Seraph :)

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created?

The character of Nevaeh was my leap of faith into this one. Previously I had only ever really written horror/thriller and I had always been too afraid to create my own fantasy world, but for some reason I just couldn't leave the idea of my broken little angel alone. The more I imagined her in different scenarios and fleshed out different characters and a plot, I knew I had to write it seriously or I'd never forgive myself.

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

Honestly I really fuck with Plenty by Aeseaes for this one. The whole vibe is immaculate and it really encapsulates the mood of the story through the lyrics.

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why?

I truly love them all for different reasons (except maybe Marco, fuck you Marco.) Though Nevaeh is my sweet innocent angel baby could never do anything wrong ever loml, and Queen Reinette is a favourite because I adore a good villain and I am very proud of the way I've written her character.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story?

I'm hoping the same kind of people who tore through Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments will find my books to be worth of a good read. Also my fellow 'Merlin made me realise I was queer' pals. Not quite as high fantasy but I think P.Seraph is sometimes quite reminiscent of The Witcher too.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip?

There are so many scenes that I've already imagined and desperately want to write, so writing everything in between to bridge the scenes together is so painful lmao. What do you mean I have to write about the journey to the castle before I get to write my big dramatic inciting incident???

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

A lot of the first half is based in the woodland so many animals are encountered, though crows and various other corvids are a recurring motif. Also a lot of horses! Most characters travel by horse, including my little band of travelling thieves and the Queen's guards. In the marketplace there is also a very well known cat that belongs to the tavern-owner and likes to steal from people's stalls lmao

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

Mostly by foot, by horse, or by a carriage drawn by a horse.

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn?

Still the first draft rn but it's coming along smoothly. I have also been writing Project.Ink and fleshing out Project.Claw so I haven't been dedicating quite as much time to P.Seraph as I would like.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in?

Who doesn't love a good enemies to lovers, right? This story absolutely reeks of betrayal, dark royalty, doomed love, war.... idk it has everything in it that I wanted to read all in one story and I hoped some people could relate

10. What are your hopes for your wip?

Obviously, I hope to be published one day, and if it is, my hope is that it will be one of those books that leaves people reeling after they've read it. I want people to connect to it, to cry over it, to read it so many times it doubles in size. I want people to be as violently in love with my characters as I am and I want people to relate to the story in whichever way they see fit. I want it to mean something to someone. One day. Eventually.

no pressure tags for @melpomene-grey, @goldxdarkness, @darkangel319 :)

Blank under the cut

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created?

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why?

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story?

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip?

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn?

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in?

10. What are your hopes for your wip?

[prodigal-explorer]

i hate when people online try to make people who hate fictional characters feel bad about hating them.

“did you even read/watch/play the (media)?”

“clearly you don’t get the point of the (media).”

“if you like (character a), then there’s no reason for you to disliker (character b)!”

or god forbid

“but (character) is neurodivergent/mentally ill/some other ludicrous excuse! that means you have to forgive them for every bad thing they ever did!”

whatever happened to having preferences and respecting those preferences? whatever happened to someone saying “i hate (character).” and other people being like “okay.”. like is that really so hard?? to just respect people’s opinions on fictional characters without making them feel like they’re invalid?

shockingly enough, you actually don’t need a reason to dislike a character. you can just hate a character cuz you don’t like their vibe, or because they remind you of someone irl who you dislike, or just because you’re in the mood to be a hater and that character is just so easy to hate.

and sometimes you just personally can’t forgive that character for whatever bad thing they did! incapability to forgive someone for doing fucked up things doesn’t make you a bad person. it just makes you a human who just happens to not like a person who did fucked up things.

believe it or not, it’s just that simple. idk why the internet is obsessed with turning everything into a moral quandary.

i am a hater and i’ll stay a hater! and yes i understand the media and i understand the characters im hating on. i understand it all completely and i STILL hate them! purely because i can!!

i fucking cant stand when people try to make CRITICAL ANALYSIS OF FICTION into some moral debate. “if you hate on characters you’re a bad person or you’re less understanding of the source material than people who don’t hate”. what an idiotic thing to say about media, which is created FOR the audience to critique and analyze. get off that damn high horse if you’re on it and let people hate what they wanna hate!

[44-mr-midnight-44]

Fandoms: Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium, Animator Vs. Animation, Hollow Knight, Rain World, SCP, Ultimate Chicken Horse, FNaF, Undertale, Centaurworld, Spore, Dungeons & Dragons, Pokémon, Phighting

I don't answer asks asking for money. Please don't send me them.

PLEASE DON'T REBLOG SPAM ONE POST (REBLOGGING A BUNCH OF MY POSTS IS FINE) OR LIKE SPAM!!!

If you're gonna spam me to show love, pls go down the posts on my blog and reblog as many as you can (if you add comments in the tags I will sob with joy /pos)!!!

PLEASE DO NOT TAG ME IN CHONNY JASH/CCCC CONTENT!!!

I get why this is not common knowledge as I only really said it in my Discord server but PLS. DO NOT. I have to be in a mood to handle CCCC content and I get really uncomfortable really easily because of it and it can ruin my mood if it's already bad enough. Thank you.

Mias World fans I'd prefer not to interact with but so long as you don't ship Lychael or Kyer (if you do then HARD DNI, I literally don't care what your reasoning is) you probably can, especially if you're not really into it anymore.

DNI if you ship characters with abusive dynamics. I did not go through horrific situations with people who should've protected me just for some creep on the internet to treat it like a quirky yaoi dynamic. The only exception to this is if it's done to cope and not portrayed in a positive light.

If you're here to cringe at my content, then all I really say is my friend, we don't have to fight. I consider myself a nice friend. We could probably be friends. I'm a good engager, I can match people's energy well even if I don't quite understand the subject. I'm fine with disagreeing on people and seldom make a big deal out of differing beliefs, heck, I'm even friends with a few conservatives. I'm sure we could learn a lot from each other, maybe I could even show you that it's ok to be weird sometimes. Perhaps you just need the change in perspective that I had.

Alright, important "stuff I want people to see instantly on my blog" things out of the way. More under the cut, including:

♡ My other blogs (kin blog, "weird stuff" (SFW) blog, Heart RP blog, hero-villain blog, etc.)

♡ Information about yours truly (about me, hobbies, some neat fun facts, yk yk)

♡ Boundaries

♡ Some useful information, just in-general

♡ Userboxes, cos what good Tumblr blog doesn't have em?

If you're one of the many, many otherkin/otherkin-adjacent/"weird stuff" I followed, my accounts for those will be under this cut. I hope to form a community with you all. :)

"Weird Stuff" Blog (SFW Vore/Tickling, etc.) - DM

Crossover AU Loredump blog - @traumabasin (inactive… for now)

Kin/Venting Blog - @thehearteccentric

Heart RP blog - @heartchonnyjash

Hero Villain/Whump blog - @elsewherereflective (probably shadowbanned idk no one sees my posts 😭)

Extended About Me…

Góðan daginn! I'm AXYER, Chimney, or Heart! AXYER's more of a stage name I prefer to be called if we're not too familiar with each other, Chimney's just a general name, and Heart is more of a friendly name if we're talking more casually. I also go by Axon if we're VERY close, please ask before calling me that!

I am a being birthed by the madness of Entropy that looms on urban towers in the scintillating moonlight dedicated to my resentment of everyone around me. You'd think the God of Moon and Emotion would get a lot more done with this power. You'd be mistaken.

I love psychology, like a lot. I consider myself to be at the point where I even know ✨🔍👁️ Forbidden Knowledge 👁️🔎✨. I'll let you figure out what that means. 😉

My most fondest corners of psychology would be trauma responses, child psychology + child development, behavioural psychology, and the effects of internalisations and conditioning. I'm veeeeery well-versed in mental illness but I don't consider it one of my primary psych interests. I know most about anxiety disorders!

I'm also VERY VERY big into writing!!! I absolutely LOVE fiction, and I think it's a very vital thing for a lot of people's happiness. Fiction is magical, and I think it's beautiful how much it can shape people and their sense of what makes them happy. I LOVE crossover AUs, like, REAAAAAAALLY REALLY love crossover AUs, like, basically every single one of my main stories are crossover AUs, like the kind where five-hundred different fandoms exist in one big town together.

I also love zoology, sociology, astronomy, biomes, modern Iceland/Icelandic culture, winter/night aesthetics, fashion, trains, photography, coding (I'm just starting, though!), and a few more my busy brain can't afford me to think of right now. My main interests in psychology are trauma responses and my main interest in writing is character-writing and worldbuilding!

I consider myself an honest person, and I really don't like lying to people. I try not to be blunt but it slips out sometimes, and I really dislike sugarcoating things. If you need honesty, I want to give you honesty! I don't think people can properly change if they're not given a right step in the right direction, so I try to be as honest as can be. If I don't feel like I can be honest with you, often times that's a bad sign in our friendship. Honesty is a big thing to me!

I find that getting immersed in a good story is very healthy for the soul, just as long as you don't wade too deep that you can't pull yourself out. My dreams are to bring my silly, self-indulgent stories to the world and help people get lost in them, too, even if for only a little bit. Nothing brings me more joy than the idea of helping people get lost somewhere they feel safe, if not thrilled from the drama rather than poisoned.

If you're interested in any of my stories, I'd be happy to share a bit about them!

The primary ones would be:

-Pillow Club, a very self-indulgent AU where fictional characters from all sorts of worlds beyond the perceivable multiverse live inside of modern rural Iceland, with a lot of supernatural worldbuilding but ultimately restricted to urban fantasy. The main cast lives within the Pillow Club, a big, apartment complex-esque building where characters live for free at the cost of stricter living conditions, run by a certain well-known rabbit serial killer man with a lot of secrets. It's intended to have similar stakes to a more exaggerated, supernatural slice-of-life version of reality; there's no overarching goal, characters go about things as they do and conflicts and goals change as life happens. The main protagonists are all from niche to semi-niche stories, namely my AUs of the such.

-Untitled Chonny Jash AU (yes that's the actual AU name), a Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium AU in-which Cameron (Whole), a severely tormented child, suddenly has two bizarre animal-like creatures split off for him after becoming emancipated at only (roughly) thirteen. The two ids, Heart, an angelic, purple id with a boisterous and friendly disposition, and Mind, a robotic, shark-like blue id with a much more reserved, awkward, and stoic (yet well-meaning) personality come to be Cameron's only joy in life, and he raises the two the best he can (which thankfully, they age extremely fast) and they're one happy family, until Cameron loses his humanity and becomes an id as well. Heart and Mind not only face hurt from Cameron's family, but soon, Cameron himself; now Soul.

-And finally Elsewhere Reflective, which you may learn about on my superhero account. :)

In-case you can't tell, I have a knack for extreme canon-divergence. It's just how I roll.

As for DNI? Well, DNIs aren't exactly… known for their effectiveness. All I'll say is if you're a com-shipper, I'm blocking you, you're mean and you make me extremely uncomfortable and I don't want to fight you. I do also tend to block for whatever reason, if you simply make me uncomfortable I'll block you. No hard feelings.

Oh also Jashshippers. Jashshippers get out, like now, like, right now.

I'm also a (Villain) Heart fictionkin! I'm not comfortable with other Heart fictionkins (or any type of Heart identifier, really, even if it's only one of your identities), so I apologise.

Anyway, I am EXTREMELY tired! So long, and thanks for stopping by to read! I'm sure we can get along even if we don't agree on much, I'm not the type who likes to argue. And if you don't want to be friends, that's fine too. It's just nice seeing ya stop by. :) (hey guess what past Axon, I'm updating this, you're welcome.) (hey guess what past and past past Axon, I did it again) (hey guess what you three, I'm editin it again)

DISCLAIMER: If you ever end up identify as Heart or anyone from Mias World (Heart copinglinks/fictionhearted/synpaths thin ice, but omitted from this), there's like a ninety-nine point-nine percent chance I will block you unless we're already super duper close. No hard feelings! My widdle stoopid brain can't handle it is all.

More added as I went back to this post:

As mentioned and implied several times now, I HATE arguing and I am TERRIBLE with conflict. I'm willing to debate so long as you're polite about it and can agree to disagree (without insulting myself or my intelligence, Shae), but generally speaking I don't like to fight people and am an extremely sensitive person.

Here's the things I absolutely will not discuss:

-My stance on DID/OSDD, there's a lotta misinformation and disagreement on a lotta things on it so I'm just not comfy talkin about it m'ny'alright? I'll say two things: it's a real disorder and anyone who accuses people of faking things are losers.

-Trashtalking, I dealt with it enough at my old house and have dealt with it enough in the past at an all-girls highschool and I do not condone it whatsoever. I'm fine if you need to vent or you're just telling me an interesting conflict in a friend group (that I am NOT apart of!!!!!! Do NOT make me your rumour person knucklehead!!!!!) but I draw the line at genuinely insulting people and spreading rumours!

-My stance on the USA election. Another "you can't win" situation. Please leave me out of most politics in-general, I try to avoid that on this blog as I want my blog to be something I can look back on and not feel stressed about. Yes, I hate Trump.

-Tumblr controversy. I try my very hardest to be nice to everyone regardless on if I like them or not and if you let me know they're not cool, I'll distance myself, but please don't try to go after me if I'm still nice to them. I'm quite literally nice to everyone lest you REALLY hurt me, which only a select few people have and even then none of them are allowed on this blog.

Tumblr hate asks are open you will get a free kitty video 😌

@nkgrimmie kys

Tags…

(I can't guarantee there's content for all of these yet)

#axyer psychology moment - I talk about psychology.

#untitled chonny jash au - I talk about Chonny Jash AU (that also belongs to nkgrimmie) where Heart and Mind are sort of aliens who love to argue for fun and also Soul sucks.

#pillow club - I talk about my extremely multifandom crossover AU that takes place in the middle of nowhere in Iceland. Do you like tired depressed scrawny men? Do you like characters from completely different universe having relationships you'd never thought of but now you're curious about? Do you like a lengthy plot-line following complex trauma arcs? Do you like extreme canon-divergence? Do you like robot dilfs? Then stay tuned. (Update: you will probably only find this on @traumabasin)

#important - Anything that's important.

#axyer eats a canvas - Art (if I remember this tag exists).

#axyer stories - I tell stories.

#axyer rant - I rant about something. Be prepared, I am an extremely passionate person and am usually wrong about at least one thing; please correct me. But politely.

#happy hour - Happy little enjoyable things. :)

#*unfurls scroll* hmmhm yes - I figured I needed a reblog tag, so here it is!

#cool people things - Reblogs/interactions/whatever with my homies.

#extremely cool people - Reblogs/interactions/whatever with a ROACH.

#laughter is truly in my pants - This post made me laugh.

#the blues and greens - Favourite posts.

#embracing this harmony - All-time favourite posts.

[aerospectrum]

Unsure if I sent a response back sorry adhd brain is bad sometimes LOL but it’s been lovely talking to you too! I don’t have anyone to talk about the show with besides my mom who watches it with me but I still have Yellowstone brainrot. Again I’m a Beth girlie but it’s nice to talk to others in the fandom and discuss. I think the show is great because they’re all such victims of each other and the family dynamics are just horrifically toxic. Every relationship John has with his children is abusive and volatile in some degree. Branding Kayce because he disobeyed him. Pushing and punishing Jamie because he’s not who he wants him to be, sending him away to college when that’s not what he wanted. Beth is extremely loyal to him to her own detriment because I personally feel like she’s trying to make up for killing her mother and taking his wife away from him, but no matter how much she tries she won’t ever make that up in John’s eyes. Anyways, you have a good one 💕

Aaaahhh I have so many thoughts also the adhd brain is a mood for sure my dude! sorry it took me forever to get to this! I’ll put my stuff under a cut again only because I tend to ramble and I gotta save the dash sanity for others lol

ok first I wanna go back to Beth lmfao. god she has such depth to her and I feel like we’ve been cheated by T.Sher so badly. Her trauma is unreal and so unprocessed and so unexplored and it’s not faaaair. When it’s Christmas and she is terrified of what’s happening to her??? puberty and she’s terrified, my poor child, I felt so sad that that was such a scary moment for her and then she was already in pain too and her mom was just like “now I have to make sure you’ll survive this man’s mans world and make you ultra haaaard” that made me so sad because I feel like she already was trying so hard to survive as a child. then the flashback to her mothers death. Genuinely I still feel so much rage over it. She was clearly uncomfortable and did not want to be on this big animal that she wasn’t comfortable controlling and unsure of being on and her mom just idk completely disregarded her and basically told her “you’re shit outta luck man up” like girl what??? Your young daughter is feeling very unsafe on a dangerous animal, I get pushing your kids to face their fears but like why did it have to be a joke to East Jesus nowhere??? Then ITS NOT EVEN BETH’S FAULT, Evelyn’s horse spooks(it’s not even looking at Beth, Beth does nothing wrong and nothing at all to affect her horse) but yeah it spooks it’s fucking self and obviously crushes her but Beth is already weeping and scared and blaming herself and Kayce is so intune with the needs of everyone so he pleads for her to let him go get John and she LOCKS EYES WITH BETH AND BLAMES HER!!! straight up is like nah Beth’s the reason my horse spooked it’s her fault my horse crushed me she made this mistake being a completely normal scared child she has to fix this mistake

Beth didn’t even hardly know the way back her horse bucks her off, she gets hurt she runs back she’s already internalizing the grief of this unfair blame she’s saddled with and then what happens???? JOHN YELLS AT HEEEEER. crying screaming throwing up dyyyyying. home girl literally got blamed by her mom for killing her and then he dad yells at her for crying and being hurt and scared oh my gosh I’m so mad lmao. Um…. but yeah. Beth clearly struggled with anxiety and security at a young age and I think she wanted to make her mother proud and prove she was hard enough to survive “with the boys” so she could survive her own survivors guilt that Evelyn forced her to experience maybe???

also yeah!!! I do think John blamed Beth for his wife’s death and she’s desperate to make up for it but also resents John for moving on with any other woman because I think he made sure she felt she was responsible for Evelyn’s death and his unhappiness afterwards— maybe somehow that ties into like her resentment of what Jamie did to her too? Like maybe it triggers this massive guilt in her where she subconsciously thinks well fuck I stole my fathers happiness so my brother stole mine??? God idk what even is meta? Probably not this lol.

not me writing a novel on Beth’s childhood… but then a few years pass and she asks Jamie for help and yeah he fucks it up because well idk part of me does feel it was lazy writing on Tshers behalf again, because they had to be teens in the 90s and sterilization on Rez’s stopped in the 70’s I’m pretty sure idk still. But also like I just think with the fear of failing and the deep rooted trauma of “inate otherness” that Jamie clearly carried around from a young age I just don’t genuinely feel like it was in his character to allow Beth to suffer like that. He would’ve spoken up or argued with her about how he wouldn’t let her go in that clinic. They would’ve fought like shit but he would’ve convinced her that John finding out was better than being cheated out of motherhood and idk Beth and Jamie are just so goddamn conniving (in a good way) that they would’ve saved Rip from John’s wrath.

John’s undying love for the land and his egos unquenchable thirst for false pride and accolades is definitely his downfall as a father in my mind. They definitely are all victims of one another’s traumas and John’s refusal to acknowledge he’s the creator or root/epicenter of it all. All the siblings deserve so much better and I’ll never forgive the writing for completely wiping Lee out of the story too!!!

I also think about how if this is along the storyline that the Rez is still sterilizing women then John was completely ok with Kayce forcing that torture and agony on Monica if it meant protecting the pride of his ranch. But suddenly he’s upset Jamie took Beth there, like is he blind to his own double standards? Fuck but I love johns depth too. They’re all so weirdly complex and i end up thinking damn this man has a lifetime of unfiltered and unfinished trauma too aaaaaaaaahhhhh. I want to write all the things with Beth and John and Jamie lol. They sooth the shallow waters of my weird little soul soil.

sorry I ramble so badly, I can’t tell if that’s the adhd working or if I’m really just bad at staying on track because everything reminds me of something else and then I can’t find my way back to the circles beginning! But I’ve loved your asks they’ve been such high points in my time here thank you so much for talking and sharing in this with me my dude, I hope you have an excellent day/night/afternoon/dusk and beyond lol.

[kingshimura4872]

Shorts with Shimura

A/N: Howdy howdy chitlins. How are we doing this fine Evening/Morning/Night? I hope all of you are drinking plenty of water and eating an adequate amount of food for the party in your tummy. (It'sareferencesomeonepleaselaugh)

So, funny story ^^;....I haven't really gotten the motivation to work on a part three/four (I'm so deadass rn, I don't even remember lmao)

B U T

I do have a load of other one shots to share with the world bc my cringe has to go somewhere lol.

So without further ado, feed my children.

Oh and smth else, for those of you that reblogged some of my things, either ask me first, give credit, or just don't please <3

__________________________________________________________

Pairing: Shigaraki Tomura x GN? Reader (They kinda get called both him and her, idk)

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: American Stereotyping and slander (I hate it here so I might as well take out my anger on a made of character), Barris being a creep, somewhat quick mention of being touched in an unwanted sexual or insinuating way, brief descriptions of stripping clothing at the end (It's not smut don't even try), different languages (Just Japanese and I had to use google translate instead of my yandex translator bc it would only give me kanji and fsr I REALLY didn't want kanji idk), petplay if you squint rlly hard?, Some dark themes so just don't let it get up ur ass if I ruin your mood lmao

Think that's it, if I missed anything, shoot me a comment or dm and I'll do my best to fix it asap.

__________________________________________________________

“And what makes me think you’d pose a threat? I don’t think you’re in the right place to be making demands.” 

Shigaraki sat unphased. His blood red eyes bored into the skull of a new pompous problem. The bastard, while annoying as all hell, was a somewhat important asset to his current objective. He’d already become the leader of the Paranormal Liberation Front, but now he wanted to move international. So here stood his next step. The leader of a quite well known villain organization from the United States in North America. He knew that if he could get this man on his side, he’d have no problem getting the two other countries that sat on the continent as well. But for the love of God, were these Americans so full of it. He’d barely gotten a proper word in comparison to the other male, who’d been talking almost the entire time. Americans sure knew how to run their mouths like they owned the world. 

   “Well, I am the one that invited you here. And right under the authorities' noses at that. No one knows you’re here and we could so easily change that fact if you wish to keep rubbing your nose in what you have no business knowing.” The scarred individual finally sighed, standing up from his chair. This empty ‘office’ room was quite stuffy, most likely from the pure stench this American was exuding. Americans should learn to properly bathe themselves before getting on such a high horse. He thought to himself, walking around the chair and leaning an elbow on the back of it. 

   “I personally have a trained hitman at my beck and call, ready to do whatever I order it to. Where’s your protection, Mr. American?” A smug grin spread across his face as the American man became very easily irate.

   “I have plenty of protection, guns cocked and ready to blaze if you so much as let a hair fall out of place!” He spat, actual saliva flying around and landing on various surfaces. Shigaraki tsked at the man for getting so angered at a simple pointer, almost as if he was scolding a child. 

   “This is tiresome back and forth with you, Mr. Barris. We can either talk out our reasoning for being here in the first place like adults, or I can order my soldiers to kill you before any of them have time to take the safety off their weapons.” Shigaraki scoffed, getting increasingly impatient. Both men quickly changed their tune, Shigaraki sitting back down and the American pulling out a file from his briefcase.

   “What do you want in this exchange, Mr. Shigaraki?” The American spoke first, crossing his arms.

   “I simply want everything you and your group’s services can offer. I’m not a fan of only leading Japan anymore. I wish to move elsewhere and if you and I can work out a deal, I’ll have less of a headache getting others to agree. You do have quite the influence afterall.”

This seemed to mull over well with the man as a smug expression was now plastered all over his sweaty face. 

   “I do indeed, don’t I?” Shigaraki nodded stiffly. He despised stroking people’s egos. It annoyed him to no end, but ever since taking full control of himself and killing All For One himself, he had to pick up the slack his master had originally done. This included finding powerful allies and working towards a stronger army. He bit his tongue in order to not spew something idiotic that would work poorly for him as the American once again began talking about himself and his underground empire. He had a main goal for this new alliance. He understood that Americans were good at three things. Being full of themselves all the time, strong weapons, and drugs. The yakuza group Overhaul had built was good, but it relied on the quirk of an incredibly young girl and once that girl had been taken, he knew they were doomed to fall no matter how that end came. He found the quirk erasing drugs quite interesting and knew if anyone could capitalize on that, it was him. Money was no longer an object and he was willing to throw whatever the stupid American wanted to get his hands on that kind of technology. He wanted it. And when he wanted something, he got it. Every. Single. Time.

   “We’re willing to do just about anything to work around your wants. Name your price, Mr. Barris.” 

   “Straight to the point I see. Your English may be good, but Japanese people are always the same. Never a fan of small talk. What happened to civil liberties? You should get to know me first before tossing money on the table.” Barris laughed out, his posture visibly relaxing. Good. 

   “I apologize.” Shigaraki forced a chuckle. “I simply want to get it out in the air so we can get out of each other’s hair as fast as possible. We’re both very busy men, you know.”

   “Ain’t that the damn truth.” Barris laughed again, slapping his knee in the process. Shigaraki stifled a laugh. They really DO do that.

   “Anyways. Small pleasantries aside. What is it that you’d like to gain from this exchange?”

   “Hm.” Barris looked down at the folder in front of him, opening it and pulling out a few papers. “Well, you did have a good idea with offering money. But we also want numbers of another calibur.”

   “And that’d be?”

   “We want some of those ‘nomus’ y’all have. And people who are good at making more. We’ve seen what those beasts can do, and I think it’d be fun to have a couple of our own. We can use it for testing and such. Along with this.” He slid a small piece of cardstock with something written on it. It was amusing to Shigaraki. It was like those crappy American movies to the T. Sliding the price they wanted over with a piece of paper during an exchange. It was almost humoring. He picked up the cardstock, looking at the price. It was outrageous for what he was getting in return, but he did need this deal.

   “Fine. Would you like it in full?”

   “Not necessary. Take your time with the payment, but I do request we get the entire amount within the next calendar year.”

   “Fair enough.”

The two stood up and shook hands. Barris wasn’t afraid of touching the villain, as he was wearing two fingered gloves. Something someone had to convince him to do during this endeavor. But he wouldn’t disclose that information to anyone. 

   “There is one more thing I’d like to ask of you. It’s more of a personal preference.” Barris dropped, smiling as he sunk his hands into his suit pockets.

   “And what would that be?”

   “I heard from a little bee that you’ve gotten one of mine under your command. I’d like to see them.”

Shigaraki’s eye twitched and he scowled a bit. “And who would this ‘little bee’ happen to be?”

   “No one you need to concern yourself with. I simply want to see if I know them personally. I wasn’t told who they were, but I was told they were American like myself, so I’d like to meet them.” Barris explained.

I’ll kill whoever told this scum about him. Shigaraki told himself as he sighed. He wasn’t really in the position to deny many requests from the man, as he could just as easily take back his agreement to the offer. 

   “Fine. But only for a moment. I like to keep him busy.” He hummed, taking a step back from the table. He brought two fingers to his mouth and whistled rather loudly, Barris tipping his head to the side in confusion. Was this American not human or something? In the blink of an eye, a new figure appeared at the villain’s side, cloaked in a black uniform and kitsune kabuki mask obscuring their face. Two blades clung to their back and strapped to each thigh was an OTs-33 Pernach, most likely already loaded and ready to fire at will. The blades in question were matching Tachi words, jet black and blood red stained leather woven in an intricate pattern on each handle and an antique tsuba created by Sunagawa Masayoshi sat snugly between the razor sharp blades and the handles. 

   “Sir.” You spoke, bowing to Shigaraki. He looked at you blankly.

   “Kneel” Was all he said. And you did without hesitation, kneeling on one knee and a hand lay flat on the cold tile flooring of the room. He reached a hand down, gently grasping your chin and lifting your gaze to meet his. He seemed pleased with himself.

   “Mask.”

Without question, you unclasped the straps that sat on the back of your head with a soft click, pulling your kabuki mask off and giving it to him. “Stand.” You did. Barris met your frame with another mask, this time only covering your nose and mouth, however your neck length hair came with fluffy bangs that covered your eyes well enough.

“Kochira wa Barisudesu. Anata ga tsurete kuru yō ni meiji rareta amerikahitodesu. Anata wa futari tomo amerikahitonanode, kare wa anata ni chokusetsu aitai to omotte imasu. Kare wa anata no koto o shitte iru kamo shirenai to omotte imasu.”

   (This is Barris. The American you were ordered to bring. He wishes to see you in person since you’re both American. Thinks he might know you.)

You nodded and glanced at the man.

   "Kare ga nani o hakidasoutomo, anata wa watashi no monodeari tsuzukeru deshou. Kare wa kimochi waruinode, dekirudakehayaku watashi no me kara kiete hoshīdesu. Kare o koko kara tsuredasu tame ni dekiru kagiri no koto o shite kudasai, shikashi oboete oite kudasai..” He grasped your chin again, pulling you a bit closer to him. “Anata wa watashi no monodesu.”

   (You will remain mine, no matter what he spews. He’s disgusting and I want him out of my sight as soon as possible. Do what you can to get him out of here, but remember…. You belong to me.)

You nodded again, and turned to the man.

   “Quite the mouthful he said.” Barris chuckled. “Makes me wonder what he’s saying about me.”

   “Permission to speak freely, sir?” You asked.

   “Granted.” Shigaraki replied.

   “I was only informed that it was you I was ordered with transporting here. I was wondering who was so important that it required my services.” You hummed, walking around the table.

   “Shigoto o kichinto yareba, go hōbi o ageru yo, kitsune.” Shigaraki added, walking around the other side of the table to leave the room.

   “Hai.” 

When he shut the door behind him, Barris wasted no time, putting his hands on your body. You wanted to slither away from his grimey touch, but you knew this was the best way to get him where you both wanted him.

   “I heard you were one of mine, and I just had to see if I knew you personally, doll.” He remarked, one of his hands sliding down your side and resting just above your hip. You did your best to hide a grimace, hoping it didn’t show through the mask as you slowly snaked your hands up his arms.

   “I don’t think I worked for you, Mr. Barris. I would definitely remember working for a man such as yourself.” You sang, twirling yourself out of his grasp and slipping onto the table. You crossed a leg over the other and sat your hands on the edges of the table for support. You looked open, inviting, weak. And that was exactly what you were aiming for. Men like him loved weak people. They loved preying on anyone they perceived as having weak minds and melding them to bend at their will. You were all too familiar with his kind. It sickened you that he thought you’d break so easily. You devoted your life to one man and one man only. And no scum like this was going to make you so much as blink in the other direction. 

   “Is that so? And what kind of man do you take me for?” He grinned. You were stroking his ego more by the second. 

   “Powerful. Commanding. A man who knows what he wants and how to get it.” A man who wouldn’t know left from right if it was tattooed on his hands. You thought.

.

.

.

You shut the door to the unmarked black car as the window rolled down.

   “I do look forward to working with you, doll.” Barris smiled, taking your hand and kissing it slowly. You smiled sweetly to him under the mask, knowing he could see it. 

   “As do I, Mr. Barris. Nice to have another American around.”

He let out a hearty laugh, letting your hand go and glancing at Shigaraki who’d been standing a bit behind you.

   “I look forward to business, Mr. Shigaraki.” 

   “Mm. Likewise.” They both nodded to each other and shook hands before you waved lightly to the driver. The window rolled back up as the vehicle drove off. Your smile stayed only until the car turned a corner, to which you immediately grimaced openly. Shigaraki took you back inside to a different room - his private quarters in this particular building - and grabbed a few alcohol wipes for you. You quickly took one and rubbed it against both your hands, taking time to wipe every inch of the uniform he’d laid his grimy hands on.

   “I take it, your…talk with him, went well then?” The man asked, leaning against a small table near the corner of the room.

   “Ugh, he was putrid. I could practically TASTE how bad he smelled. Can’t believe I was born in the same place as him.” You keened. Your body shivered at the mere thought of him touching you again and you quickly rid yourself of your accessories. You placed them on one of the shelves the room had and huffed.

   “We should bathe you. Who knows what kind of germs he had.” Shigaraki jested, but you quickly took the invite, shedding your clothing one piece at a time. He was a bit surprised at your eagerness, but went with it nonetheless, guiding you to the bathroom and starting the water.

   “Ugh, I forgot how touchy Americans are. Here, you wouldn’t even think to touch a stranger so nonchalantly. 

He fixed the temperature, shedding his own garments and helping you with what you had left.

   “And to think, we have to work with him now, it disgusts me. He was so full of himself, I thought he might explode from how big his head was.” 

You continued to rant as you brainlessly followed your leader’s movements into the now full tub of hot water. The second you were seated on top of him, you were pulled back to the present.

   “Oh. You didn’t have to waste your time getting in with me.” You said in a quieter tone.

   “Eh. Two birds with one stone. I had to touch him too, not sure if whatever he has can spread from the contact area.” He joked. You couldn’t hold yourself back from a small laugh, covering your mouth as he pulled your back flat against his chest.

[scoobydoodean]

why does every good dean blog get the most insane anons / reblogs??? every post u make is banger after banger, idk why people are so deadset on going after you for being RIGHT 😭

<3 I think that when people make a habit of throwing around the word "abuse" like candy when analyzing media, it makes them feel like they are fighting some kind of valiant battle that extends beyond the realm of fictional media. People who don't agree with them aren't just people they dislike or don't agree with about a silly show—they are unethical people causing real world harm to real people. This is a dangerous attitude to have in terms of how it encourages you to perceive others in the fandom space. By perceiving people who disagree with you as unethical/morally evil, harassment becomes endorsable.

That said, I was really just fucking around because someone added some annoying tags to one of my posts, was continuing through my blog to continue doing that, and was simultaneously doing that on one of my friends blogs with a very clear goal (though they aren't going to acknowledge what their goal very clearly was). I usually avoid responding to these kinds of things tbh, but I was in a certain mood. I'm not going to apologize for talking how I want on my blog, about responses to my own posts, but my colorful choice of words inviting disk horse about me from people who already clearly have a problem with me and are looking for reasons to invalidate me isn't surprising.

I used to try to be above it all and there are still ways I am not going to engage (including not opening dialogue with people who approach discussion in such blatant bad faith—beyond some silly tags) but I'm also getting tired of some people's sanctimonious belief that fandom is activism and deanfans need to be put in their place. I have seen too many people get bullied (even fully out of the fandom) because some person with a sense of moral superiority got it in their head that sending people harassment is okay if it's over X or Y fandom issue.

So even though I have said it many times in general terms, I'll say it again here in more specific terms: Please do not send harassment of any kind to anyone who was involved in today's disk horse. I don't care what you think of them. Just leave them alone. Block and filter their url if you must.

[temporalreverie]

cw: eating disorder type discussion. It not an eating disorder but it's adjacent sounding enough

realizing it would be good for me to regain some lost pounds and i would generally be rlly happy to get fatter but also having a body that straight up rejects so much food and makes me suffer. like i would love to eat three good meals a day every day with a healthy amount of carbs and protein but my own body is so antagonistic towards me. idk holiday season is maybe an extra hard time bc it's just a bunch of food i can't rlly eat well right in front of me.

it's soooo silly but i rlly need gamer chips the fucking. nachos cheese doritos I've learned are actually like an extremely safe food that im like happy to eat regardless of mood & also have never given my stomach trouble. my gamer horse feed where is it.

recently thought more about my history of like, having bell peppers specifically in like school lunches as a child for years and the struggle of like, "oh fruit i kind of enjoy and should eat but i don't like it for some reason and it hurts my throat and then my stomach hurts afterwards too and ugh im going to get chastised for not eating it". i just want to hug her I was allergic i've been allergic the whole time. It's not my fault at all, I wasn't bad for that.

I can just go through ppls entire fridges and pantries and look through it and describe why I can't always eat each food. I'm slowly getting to the point of like drinking 1-2 bonus decaff coffees throughout the day bc it's a combo of like, thing I enjoy, doesnt upset my stomach, and can help fill me.

I don't have great memory or organization or impulse controls and so it's all just so hard to keep track of it all, and both food issues + chronic fatigue compound to make it hard to separate them from each other and notice real patterns.

i hate having a broken mystery digestive system i hate getting useless advice from doctors i hate hearing "oh you should take that seriously & figure that out" from ppl who've never had something similar like i haven't been trying, like it's easy or something.