#i was honestly convinced that i did the application wrong

[frogbi]

I got my visa extension 😭😭😭😭

[romana-after-dark]

Ghost of You: Finale

Ellie Miller & Joel Miller

ft. Tommy Miller, Lorenzo and Zach Aleverano

Masterlist

Summary: 16 years after her mom and dad's death, Ellie is finding her place in Jackson, being raised by her Uncle Tommy with the help of her uncle's Lorenzo and Zach. She loves them, but can't help but feel stifled. Soon, she finds out her suspicions were true, and her uncles have been lying to her. Will Ellie learn the truth? Can she trust anyone in this situation?

Takes place after The Wrong Way, but if you havn't read that series (too dark for you, too long, etc) you can read this. Since it's through Ellie's perspective, you can discover the truth alongside her.

DARK FIC! This is a dark!Joel, with canon typical violence and extra on the Joel. Anything discussed or shown in TWW is liable to be discussed here. There will be violence, but no shown sexual violence. Although this Joel is very dark, he is NOT DARK TO ELLIE. None of the things that happened to Ellie's mom are applicable to Ellie, but will be discussed.

Content warnings for entire series, not chapter by chapter unless more is added.

Talk/mentions/discussions of post rape, molestation, torture, violence, branding, forced breeding, major age gap (early 20's to later 40's), death. Child endangerment, major character death, murder, homophobic remarks, minor hate crime, manipulation, identity crisis.

This is it. It's bad, I cried tbh.

**************

Lorenzo was pacing. Zach and Tommy were arguing.

Ellie had never really picked up on tension between the two, if anything occasionally Lorenzo was the one to make a comment, but after Lorenzo’s account of her origins, it seemed like Zach held some anger towards Tommy for not saving her mom.

“I told you!” Zach shouts as Ellie stands to the side of the kitchen. “I fucking told you we should’ve killed him years ago!”

Tommy wasn’t convinced. “That man is absolutely insane! He’s goddamn Micheal Myers when he’s out to kill, there’s no way we’d make it out alive!” 

“You just don’t want him dead because he’s your brother, but how many girls has he raped and totured the last 16 years! That is blood on your hands!” The comments about the girls Joel potentially victimized hangs in the air as all three of her uncles turn to a shaking, crying, Ellie. It was Zach, of course, that approached her, hesitantly placing hands on her shoulders. “Elles… Answer me honestly sweetheart. Did Joel… did he touch you.”

Tearfully, Ellie shook her head. “N-no.”

Lorenzo spoke for the first time in a while, big brown eyes pleading with her for honesty  as the floor cracked along with his gentle step forward. “It wouldn’t be your fault if he did, Ellie belly.”

Tommy placed a hand on her wet face, coaxing her to look at him. “He’s right, honeybun. Even if you didn’t fight, no matter what the circumstances, we’d never blame you, okay? Nothing you could do would make that your fault.”

Ellie swore to them, no, Joel didn’t touch her. She knew how her uncles felt on the subject, never shying away from ‘the talk’ which revolved more around consent than anything.Granted, despite her uncles and uncles being gay, the discussion was surprisingly straight. Old habits and phrasing die hard. She knew that if anyone touched her without her consent she could come to them, and they would handle it. “I told you the worst of it.” Ellie had broken down, telling Tommy about Joel, Jack, and watching the old farmer die, and Tommy had quickly called over Zach and Lorenzo to discuss the next steps.

“Ellie…” Lorenzo began. “What did you guys… do? All summer, I mean. He’s not really a hang out kinda guy”

Ellie shrugged a little, a tad defensive. “I mean… like I told Tommy, he- he wanted me to take over so we would… we spent a lot of time patrolling but we… we fished, and talked and he would cook for me…”

Rolling his eyes, Zach scoffed. “He sure does like to play dad.”

For whatever reason, that didn’t sit right with Ellie. “But he is my dad! I’m not fucking stupid, Zach, and none of this would have happened if you hadn’t all lied to me! He’s my dad and I wanted to get to know him, I just… I didn’t think it was… that he was…” She choked back a sob, hating this disgusting display of vulnerability.

Tommy looked at her, knowingly. “You didn’t think he was capable of all that, did you?” He waited for her to shake her head before continuing. “He’s good at that, you know. I get it. I do. Joel knows how to manipulate. But I also think he loved you, honeybun” Tommy ignored Zach’s scoff in the background, saying the bastard wasn’t capable of love. “I do, it’s hard not to love you, you know?” Smiling softly, Tommy held her gaze. “But everything Lorenzo told you is true, Ellie. I ain’t ly’n to yuh anymore. After all this settles, anything you wanna know about my life before, about your dad, our childhood, being raiders, me and your mom, all of it. Anything you wanna know, it’s yours, the good and the bad. And I know it’s gonna take a long time before you trust me, if you ever do, but I swear to you, I will never lie again… including if I ate the last honeybun”

Ellie gave a soft chuckle, but Zach was back to business. “Elles, does he still live in the old house?”

She nodded. “Yeah, we went out there a lot…” Turning, she faced Lorenzo. “He showed me my moms grave-” Ellie was interrupted by a loud ‘FUCK’ from Zach, whipping her had over to get her uncles palms to his eyes, Lorenzo rushing over to hold him.

“I knew it!” He groaned loudly. “I knew that fucker had her. God knows what depraved shit he did with her body before he buried her!” Sometimes, Ellie forgets that her mom was Zach's biological sister, not just someone he loved. That was family, someone Zach had taken care of for 20 years and feels like he failed.

Ellie watched as Zach cried, held tightly by Lorenzo. For perhaps the first time, Ellie realized how her moms life and death wasn’t just something that affected her, it didn’t exist in a vacuum. Her uncle, her aunts, they all were in pain, only worsened by the fact Jack was dead now, a loss they all felt. Ellie had been privileged, she realized, to not have had the life the others had. It wasn’t just her mom, who all she had known was violence and sexual abuse from men around her, including those she was meant to trust, her only respite being Tommy, Zach, June, Lorenzo, and the little bits of Joel when he deigned to be kind, but the others too. 

Tommy, who had to be practically raised by his older brother after growing up with no money, two parents who worked multiple jobs, Tommy, who joined the military at young age, join the fireflies, joined Joel and saw all the horrors life can give one man, who watched his niece dye in his brothers arms and watched his brother depend into madness. Lorenzo, who grew up poor, watching his sisters get used by shitty men, most of them getting pregnant before leaving high school. Lorenzo, whose ex-wife and every sister and every single niece and nephew had died in the fallout of the outbreak, leaving a man who had only ever known a big, loving family all alone. Zach, who was beaten his whole childhood and tried to protect his sister and her best friend when no one else would, who was shot trying to save her, who lived with the guilt eating at him for his baby sister’s death for 16 years.

“I should’ve fucking done it.” Tommy mumbled, the remorse clear in his voice. “I had the gun pointed him that day and I don’t fucking know why-”

“He’s your brother,” Lorenzo interrupted, still holding Zach. “I can’t say I get it, but I can’t say I understand a lot that’s happened with Joel. He had a hold on both of-”

Tommy wasn’t having it. “But he killed her!” He was shouting at no one but himself. “He killed her and now he’s got my daughter wrapped up in his bullshit, traumatized her, and messed up her head just like her mom.”

Ellie broke through the voices. “It’s not like that!” Every turned towards her. “It wasn’t all bad stuff, he was… he was my dad, he did normal dad stuff like fishing and telling me to go to bed and eat my vegetables, just like you guys do!” Ellie didn’t know why she felt defensive of him, but it was almost biological, the primal urge to protect family. It wasn’t always like this. It wasn’t always violence and murder and manipulation. He was her dad. “He didn’t just walk up one day and shoot someone in front of me, I’m not that fucking stupid!”

“Elles,” Zach began. “We don’t think you’re-”

“He took care of me! He gave me clothes and books and he sang while I played piano, he was a dad first and then, and then, and then, and THEN the other stuff started and it was confusing! It was confusing because I wanted to be strong and make him proud but I was scared! I don’t wanna kill innocent people!”

Zach left his husband’s arms to take Ellie in his as a fresh bout of tears began. She was so confused, so frustrated with herself and everyone around her and she was terrified out of her goddamn mind.

But Lorenzo caught something the others didn’t. “Wait… where did you play piano? Were you at our house?” Piano’s were a rare commodity, Lorenzo getting one from Zach by likely less than Maria-approved methods. 

Shaking her head vigorously, Ellie denied that. “No, we never came to Jackson. It was at the house, I told you we went there, remember?”

“What is it, Ren?”

Lorenzo turned to Tommy. “I don’t remember no piano there. Joel don’t play, does he?”

Tommy confirmed no, his face giving away that he had the realization that Lorenzo had come to. “Only guitar and mandolin.”

Looking back and forth between the two who were having a silent conversation Ellie was growing frustrated. “What are you guys talking about now? Joel said my mom played piano, didn’t she?”

“No, I did.” Zach stood up, facing Tommy. “I tried to teach her like I did you, but she really had no interest.”

“But he said… He said Red River Valley was her favorite. He’d sing it while I played…”

Zach groaned again, griping at his hair. “It was her favorite. But I’d play, she’d sing…”

“She used to sing it while Joel played…” Lorenzo recounted his memory of one of the less disturbing things he heard in the thin walls of that house.

“I can’t have a single memory of her that isn’t tainted by him, can I?”

But Lorenzo was onto something more. “Guys, you know what this means right? Joel knows Ellie can play piano, he got a piano for her… that means he’s been watching her, and pretty in depth…”

Ellie watched as anger filled Zach’s face.

“What? No way he could get in here without someone seeing him. Does he have someone spying?”

“I don’t know”

“He’s gotta right?”

“Who would betray Maria like that? Even Seth respects her too much.”

“Well, it’s gotta be someone, because theres no other way for him to know she plays piano, right?”

The silence was long an uncomfortable before the married couple and Ellie turned to a very guilty looking Tommy.

“Tom. Something you wanna tell us?” 

He looked to be hesitating, like he wanted to lie, cover his tracks, but when he locked eyes with Ellie… he seemed to remember his promise. No more. Lies. “I might have… I might have seen him a few times.”

The room erupted in argument, Zach screaming “YOU’RE SO GODDAMN PATHETIC TOMMY!”

“He’s my brother and that’s his daughter! He cornered me and wanted to know how she was doing!”

Joel found Tommy and asked about her? Tommy saw her dad and didn’t say anything?

Lorenzo lost his cool. “You told a psychopath intimate details about my niece?! How many times did you see him!”

He hesitated again, but eventually admitted to seeing him about every year. Tommy would never search him out, it was always Joel finding him and they’d talk for a bit. Tommy would tell him how she was doing in school, her personality, likes and dislikes. That’s how Ellie found out her favorite joke book came from dad way back when she was 8. Her three uncles arguing with each other about the severity of Tommy’s betrayal, what they needed to do next, repeating over and over again all the times they should’ve killed him, should’ve should’ve should’ve… should’ve killed her dad, a murderer, a rapist, a cruel, disgusting human being who had treated her so tenderly and yet for a year, made her moms life hell

Ellie couldn’t take it anymore, the lights were too bright in her burning eyes, her head hurt from the crying, the long day, the arguing… so much had happened in the last few months, few days, few hours… and many accusations that Joel had no chance to refute. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe her uncles anymore, she did. She believed the horrific details of what her mother endured, the circumstances surrounding her premature birth, the things her uncles witnessed and suffered at the hands of the man who made her, but she needed to hear it from Joel. She needed to hear his side. There was no excuse for what happened, but this was the man she came from, and she needed to know his side of the sordid history she’d been unraveling piece, by piece, by piece… 

“Dad?” Ellie called him from the walkie talkie in her room that he had given her that second day. “Can you come? It’s an emergency.”

It wasn’t long before Joel was just outside of Jackson, Ellie running to meet him. He held out his hands, the worried expression clear even in the lack of artificial light. “What’s wrong baby girl?” 

Ellie, despite her better judgment, ran into Joel’s arms. It might be her last chance to, after all.

“What’s wrong?” He repeated. “Tommy do something? Seth? You need me to take care of-”

“No!” Ellie quickly refuted the idea that Joel needed to take care of anything. She’d seen what that meant for anyone who crossed him. She stepped back out of his arms.

“Then what’s going on? Do you wanna move in?” There’s a glimmer of hope so prominent Ellie almost said yes because she couldn’t bear to watch that shine crumble… Almost.

“Dad, I need to talk to you and… it’s important that you listen to me.” She fought the urge to wring her hands, tap her feet, fidget in any way. This was important, and Joel needed to see her as an adult about it, not a child.

He nodded. “I’m listening, Ellie June. Whatever it is, I’m listening.”

Ellie took a deep breath. It was now or never, it was now that she needed to tell Joel, shatter the bubble they’d been living in, end the relationships he had with her father after only a few months. “They told me, Joel. Lorenzo did anyway.”She watched his face shift, realization dawning upon him but not daring to confirm anything lest he be wrong. “About my mom-”

“He’s lying. Always has. He’s a slimy, lying fucker who-”

“No he isn’t!” Ellie yelled, perhaps too loud and too close to town.

Joel took a step forward, reaching for Ellie’s shoulder. “You don’t know him, Ellie, you’re too young, you don’t know what he’s really like, what any of them are really like-”

“STOP DOING THAT!” It was a scream now, backing away from the man who towered nearly a foot taller than the short girl. “Stop telling me I’m wrong, and I’m too young and I’m too inexperienced! Stop making me doubt myself!” She took a few calming breaths, watching Joel watch her. “I know they’ve done things in the past, bad things, but Uncle Lorenzo is not slimy, and he’s not lying. None of them are.”

“I don’t know what they told you-”

“I think you do.”

Joel and her were in a standoff now, largely silent as she watched Joel process the change and no doubt assess his next steps. If he was what Lorenzo claimed, he managed to make her mom fall in love with him despite the horrors. He knew all that and Tommy still held loyalty to him, still telling Joel parts of her life knowing he was the rapist of someone not much older than she was now. 

He took a breath. “Ellie June, it’s not like what they’re telling you” Another step forward.

She tried to move back, but tree bark scratch at the skin exposed by her tank top. “And just what are they telling me?”

“They're telling you I kidnapped her, aren’t they? That I raped her, beat her, tortured her, tried to kill her. That’s not exactly true.”

Ellie couldn’t help but scoff at that. “Not exactly? Joel, there is no good version of that!”

“What I said was true. Her dad was a damn bastard, offered her up to me for sex, selling her virginity. And I took her-”

“What the fuck-”

“TO SAVE HER, SARAH! You don’t understand, you can’t possibly understand-”

“What did you just call me-”

“It was better, I took care of her, I gave her a home, she had Tommy, she had Lorenzo, she had safety” Another step, Joel placing both of his large hands on either side of Ellie’s face. “And all she had to do was give me you, give me you, my precious baby girl. All she had to do was give me my daughter back, and she did.” All Ellie could manage was a whispered ‘what?’ as Joel stroked her cheek. “She gave me you, and now we get to have the life we were robbed of by this damn infection, we get to be a family again.”

“No” A small cry from her lips as her eyes filled with tears again. He didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. He loved Sarah. “I don’t want this, dad, please”

“I know it’s confusing right now, but I promise you, everything is gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay, I’m gonna get you somewhere safe.”

“Joel-”

“I know, I know I know I know I know. But I’m sorry for what I’m about to do, okay?” Joel touched his forehead to hers, eyes closed shut.

“Dad, please stop-”

“I’m sorry, babygirl, I’m gonna make this better soon.” His forehead was replaced by the barrel of a gun. “Come out where I can see you Tommy.”

Ellie was frozen, back pressed against a tree as the cool end of the gun warmed to her skin. Slowly, Ellie watched as Tommy, Lorenzo and Zach came into the clearing from different sides, guns raised, the crackle of sticks and the forest floor tracked their footsteps where Ellie was unable to keep place. She wanted nothing more than to run into their arms, but she was stuck. She didn’t know how far Joel’s madness ran, and if she was just a replacement for Sarah, that meant she was replaceable herself.

“Let her go, Joel” Zach spoke first, but Joel was having none of it.

“You shut the fuck up, Zach. You couldn’t even protect that little girl when she was being molested, you sure as fuck can’t protect Ellie.”

“You don’t know a goddamn thing about what happened there-”

“And you don’t know a goddamn thing about what happened between me and her mom so how about you just shut the fuck up!” His gun swung to point at Tommy as his brother took a step forward.

“You’re right Joel, but I do. I was there, so was Lorenzo. We saw what you did to her. Ellie don’t deserve a life like that.”

Joel glared at the insinuation. “I would never hurt my daughter. Give me your guns.”

Lorenzo scoffed. “No goddamn way”

“Kick your guns over or I start blasting off Ellie’s fingers, how about that? You think I’d hurt my baby girl? Let’s test that theory.”

To her own disgust, Ellie whimpered, the thought of this insane man before her shooting off her fingers one by one…

“Ellie, look at me baby” Tommy’s soothing voice coaxed her back to reality. “We ain’t letting nothing happen to you, honey. I promise.”

She trusted Tommy. Tommy would make things better. He always did.

Zach’s angry tone made her eyes flick over to him, chastising Tommy as he lay down his gun. “What the fuck are you doing, Tom?”

“Just go along with him for now.”

“No way am I-!” But Zach stopped at the sound of his husband calling his name.

“Baby, just hand it over. It’s gonna be okay, we'll fix it.”

Lorenzo always calmed Zach the way Zach calmed her.

The three men kicked over their guns to where Joel stood, Joel picking them all up before he lowered the gun that was pressed to Ellie’s head. She was too scared to move, Joel stepping in front of her. 

“I’m sorry, Tommy. I didn’t want it to be like this, but you took my baby from me. Now I’m taking her from you”

Tommy left an exasperated sigh. “Why don’t you ask her where she wants to go, Joel.”

“She’s just a kid, she don’t know what’s best for her.”

Lorenzo interrupted them, brutally honest as always. “And you do? Joel you are literally insane, you spent a year raping and abusing that girl-”

“She was my WIFE!”

“SHE WAS YOUR CHILD BRIDE!” 

Joel laughed, loud and cruel and unlike anything Ellie had heard from him before, but from the look on her uncle’s faces they were not surprised. “And Tommy was so much better? He’s only 7 years younger than me. A 20 year old and a 38 year old ain’t exactly clean itself.”

Much smaller than she’d like, Ellie’s voice peaked from behind Joel. “W-what?”

Joel turned slightly to face her. “Oooooooh, they didn’t tell you that part?” He was condescending, and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt. She didn’t like being treated like a child, and she though Joel was someone who wouldn’t…

“Elles, don’t listen to him-”

“It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Your mom cheated on me with my own goddamn brother, Ellie June.”

Ellie’s eyes flicked to Tommy’s, and the look on his face… she didn’t need to ask if that was true.

“Ellie, it wasn’t like that honeybun. She was scared, she asked me, she wanted-”

“Tom, stop, you aren’t helping” Zach’s voice was bitter, an unfamiliar tone to Ellie and she suddenly felt guilt. Everything was falling apart, her family, her uncles, her life. The second identity crisis in one summer and she felt like she was coming undone, unable to keep up with all the twists. She almost wanted to go back to not knowing, just to get her family back… but she also knew ignorance would not help her.

It was dark out, cold, the weather cooling for a Wyoming winter, the only kind of winter Ellie had ever known. Tommy was in his signature denim on denim, a noticeable blue under the moon light above them. This had to end, this had to end somehow, and soon. She couldn’t keep watching this, standing helpless to the side.

“You guys know he fucked her the night before she died too?” Joel sneered. “You stole my wife then you fucked her on a cold floor, 8 months pregnant, that’s probably why Ellie was premature!”

Lorenzo lost his patience with Tommy. “Oh for FUCKS SAKE TOMMY!” He shouted, apparently being done mediating between Tommy and Zach. “What the fuck is wrong with you!”

Tommy, for his part, was trying to keep calm with his eyes closed and voice steady. “It’s not like he’s framing it, I loved her-”

“Joel said he loved her too”

“I’m not like Joel!”

“You sure didn’t do much stop him!”

Ellie watched Tommy and Lorenzo go at it when she heard something she never thought she would. Zach making a dig at Lorenzo.

“Oh, and you did?”

For a moment, Zach paused, letting the words roll off his back before turning to Zach. “Excuse the fuck outta me?”

Zach’s tone was accusatory, pointing a finger at his lover as if his sister's abuser wasn’t right there, watching the men who had come together united for Ellie fall apart at his prodding. “You didn’t get her out either!”

“I literally took her away!”

“After he almost killed her! After she was pregnant from rape! After the worst psychological abuse I can imagine!”

Tommy came to Lorenzo’s defense, or, moreso ready to make a get at Zach. “I’m sorry, but who was it that let her get molested and mouth raped by random men?”

“And now you’re using Joel’s talking points?” 

Ellie watched Joel watching her uncles, smirking as the trio who were once a coopt in the effort of raising her disintegrate, falling apart at the seams after just a small tug of their thread by Joel. He was good at what he did, manipulating people, manipulating relationships, twisting everyone's minds up in just the way he wanted… it was no wonder Tommy was incapable of killing him (and he was, Ellie thought, incapable of doing it). She wanted this to end, needed it to before their relationships became irreparable, before she could never have a semblance of a life like she had filled with love and affection and fun and family. She needed to do something before Joel took her, before Joel killed one or two or all of them, before the killing started a psychotic break and he killed June and Maura or came to Jackson or-

Her jackknife was in Joel’s neck before she realized what was happening.

Red splattered from his neck with the initial impact, getting on Ellie’s face but not much considering her head barely reached his shoulder.

“JOEL!” Tommy screamed, running to his brother as Ellie stumbled back, taking the knife out with her.

She caught the look of horror on Tommy and Zach’s face. “He was reaching for his gun! He was going to shoot-”

“Sarah” 

Joel’s broken and choked voice croaked from Ellie’s feet, Tommy desperately trying to stop the bleeding as Ellie.

“C’mon Joel don’t do this.”

This would have implications later on, Lorenzo and Zach watching on with confusion as Tommy tried to save Joel… but they didn’t get it. They never would. They would never understand what it’s like to love and be loved by him. It was a disease, a cancer that eats away at you until it becomes on with your being, impossible to separate. Only death in death.

“It’s okay baby, we’re safe, we’re safe” Joel muttered, not really looking at anything in particular as Tommy held him. Ellie took a few steps forward, Zach telling her to stop, moving to stop her himself but Lorenzo holding him back. Lorenzo may not get it, but he understands the pull, the deep wound that Joel caused. He knew Ellie needed this. This was between Joel, Ellie and Tommy. Lorenzo and Zach were merely players in the sick game. She knelt by his side, hand on his clean shoulder and upper chest. Joel was her dad, despite it all.

Joel spoke again. “We’re not sick…. We're gonna get you to safety and go back for him, okay?”

Ellie looked to Tommy for clarification, but Tommy shook his head. “I don’t… I don’t know what he’s talking about.” He held his big brothers wound, attempting in vein to keep the blood in.

“Please don’t… Sarah? Move… move your hands baby”

Ellie dropped her hands away, but Tommy shook his head. “He’s not talking to you… he’s talking to Sarah” The realization hit Tommy, and he watched in pain as Joel died in his arms.

“He thinks I’m Sarah.”

“No, he- I know mija, I know, I- He’s reliving Sarah’s death…” Tommy’s eyes welled up with tears, the anguish clear on Joel’s face as he was forced to exist once more in the hardest moment of his life, the moment he likely lost himself completely, the moment that made him who he was.

“I know, baby! I know it hurt, come on baby! Please! I know, baby! I know.”

“Dad-” Ellie reached out again for Joel, this time her hands on his face.

“Ellie, maybe don’t…” But Tommy made no real effort to stop her. 

“I know, I know, I know. Please babygirl, don't do this to me.”

“Tom.” Zach voice was soft, sympathetic to the plight of the pair before. Despite the previous argument and the issue’s they’d had, it was clear Zach felt for Tommy, having spent the better part of two decades raising a little girl together with Lorenzo and having lost a sibling himself. “He’s bleeding out slowly, but he's bleeding out. It’s best just to… end it.”

“Don't do this to me, baby. Come on...N-no. No...don't...please. Please. Please. Please don't do this to me.”

Tommy looked at Zach, then Lorenzo, then Ellie. “I- I can’t. I couldn’t do it before, I couldn’t do it for it her I c-can’t!” Tommy’s voice broke, cracking at the last word. “I know I’m weak, Ellie. I know. I couldn’t stand up to him, I couldn’t protect her, I could protect you-”

Joel continued mumbling to ‘Sarah’ telling her it’d be okay, he’s taking her somewhere safe, he’ll come back for uncle Tommy, please’s and don’t do this to me, occasionally reverting back to the “We’re not sick!”

“Tommy” Ellie reached out for her uncle's hand, covered in her dads blood, blood she spilled. Tommy looked up at her, reduced to tears, he looked so young, so vulnerable… she wanted to stop his pain, but she couldn’t. “We have to do this.” Ellie pulled Tommy’s hand back with her, pressing her knife into it, the knife that used to belong to Joel. “We’ll do it together, okay.”

“Ellie, no, this shouldn’t be on you, you don’t have to-”

“I want to.” It seemed only right, for them to be the ones to do it, to end it all.

With one hand on the knife, her other found Joel’s face. “Dad? Dad, I’m here okay?”

Suddenly, Joel’s eyes found Ellie’s, wide and scared and sad and so, so human. “Sarah?”

Ellie smiled. “Yeah, it’s Sarah. Uncle Tommy brought me to safety. We’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

“T-Tommy?” His breath was growing ragged, heavy and unsteady as his words began to slur. 

Tommy’s calloused hand held Joel’s, together as they had always been. A bond no one could understand, not even Tommy. “I’m here, Joel. Everything’s okay. They stopped the virus, we’re safe, everyone is safe now.”

“You can rest, dad” Ellie coaxed him down. “Close your eyes, dad. It’s okay. We’re safe. Uncle Tommy’s gonna take care of me, just rest.”

Ellie saw Joel squeezing Tommy’s hand. “O-okay. Yeah. Just… just a little rest.”

“Just a little rest, Joel. Then we’ll all be together again, okay? You me and Sarah.” 

Joel nodded, small and weak and barely there as he closed his eyes. Together, Ellie and Tommy sliced through his throat, ending Joel’s 3 decade reign of terror and a splash of blood.

When Ellie fell back, beginning to sob, she found herself caught in Lorenzo’s arms and turned into him, allowing him to comfort her the way he had been trying to. After a moment, Lorenzo coaxed her up, Zach on the other side of the dead body helping a shaky Tommy stand.

Ellie continued to cry quietly looking at her dad, a relationship that came and shifted and changed and left so many times and so fast that she could barely keep up. He was a horrible person, someone she should despise… and she did, to some respect… but there was another side to Joel, a dad who lost his daughter, the most precious thing in his life… and was never the same since. She still loved her dad, even if she didn’t love Joel.

“C’mon, baby girl” Tommy’s voice was beside her now. “Let’s go home.”

Tommy and Lorenzo’s arms helping her, Zach helping Tommy, they began to walk away from what they had all witnessed. The body would be dealt with, Tommy would go to Maria and explain the situation and they’d dig a grave. Maybe Tommy could convince the pastor to say some words… Joel wasn’t really practicing by the end of the world anyway but he had Sarah baptized, and went to the local baptist church for holidays. Tommy would also, as he promised a guilt ridden Ellie he would, tell Maria about the older teen and the children who Joel had orphaned, taking them to Jackson, to safety. Ellie knew this meant the girl would probably tell the whole town who she was, who her father was… but Ellie was prepared to deal with that. This was her reparation.

“Baby, I don’t blame you for not saving her, you know that, right.” Zach said to Lorenzo on the way back.

“Yeah, I know. We all had our chances, but we all failed her.”

“You didn’t fail me.” Ellie spoke. She was starting to realize… her uncles were growing older. They’d spent 16 years caring for her. It was her turn to care for them. “You did right by me, you kept me safe, happy. I think that mattered to my mom more than anything.”

Tommy turned to her. “Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“Joel was reaching for his gun, right?”

Ellie swallowed, feeling caught, feeling watched as Lorenzo and Zach looked at her. “Yeah, I was scared he was going to hurt you guys.”

None of them looked like they believed her… but it didn’t really matter, did it? Joel deserved to die. No one looked like they were casting judgment.

“I love you, honeybun. Always. We all do, your aunts do… No more secrets. Tomorrow, whatever you wanna know, I’ll tell you.”

Ellie didn’t know if she even wanted to know more… but considering the trouble not knowing brought her before… Ellie was going to learn all the grizzly details. She was going to learn, she was going to stop sneaking out, she was going to be more disciplined in school, take on extra patrols. Ellie was going to do better. She was never going to lead raiders, she was never going to kill innocnet people and terrorize those around her. But she was going to be a leader. She was going to be the one to stop evil men like Joel, and protect the vulnerable like her mom. She was going to do what the men in her life couldn’t.

“I love you all, so fucking much.”

And she meant it. With everything in her, she loved her family. All of them.

************

Well kids, this is it. The end.

I have a few AU's and shit I wanna do just for funsies but this is all I'm commiting to for now. I want to finish out a few series on my main and get me 1000 followers done, then Im working on another dark!joel series, a yandere, dbf sugar daddy joel but a much shorter series.

Anyway, as always, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!!! you kee me going despite the rude anons! I've made pals through this sight and i love yall

please please tell me your thoughts! How we feel about tommy? zach? lorenzo? ellie? and esp joel?!?!?! do you think ellie and tommys reaction was warrented? did ellie do the right thing?

@maura-honey @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @the-fox-den @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @koshkaj-blog @miraclesabound @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @pimosworld

[corvidcall]

So, I didn't like the book "Abolish the Family" by Sophie Lewis very much

(Or, "wow, Corv, how did you manage to write over 5k words about a book that's got less than 100 pages?")

I read Abolish the Family: A Manifesto for Care and Liberation by Sophie Lewis and I.... well, to be gentle, I did not much care for it. And to be less gentle, I thought it was hot nonsense, and I kind of wanted to just put my thoughts down about it somewhere.

I picked up the book because I was curious about family abolition. I actually heard Sophie Lewis on a podcast ages ago, and I've seen some posts on Tumblr from people talking about family abolition, but I hadn't really heard it argued in full. I had some immediate concerns when I heard about! I mean, I agree that it's pretty fucked up to offload all the responsibility of caring for people who cannot care for themselves onto their families, which both enables abuse and also leaves people who don't have families shit out of luck. But what's the alternative? I assume it's not advocating for just letting all children run loose in the streets, but I don't know what it IS advocating for. If all children are to be raised collectively by the community, how will unique cultures and heritages be passed down? The way I see it, either we have diverse communities, and nobody gets to pass down history and culture and religious practices that are applicable to them but not to everyone (so either the white children in this community have as much claim to participating in the practices of, say, Native American tribes as any Native child, OR these practices are just dissolved entirely), or all these communities must be racially segregated. And isn't "abolishing families" what colonizing governments did to their native populations, when they forced their children to attend state-run residential schools? Are you just advocating that but for all children?

But these are concerns raised by someone who has only heard the name, really, and it's silly to get very mad trying to argue against what you imagine something to be without ever investigating what it actually is. That's not the kind of person I want to be! And surely someone who spends a lot of time thinking about and writing about this concept would have been able to anticipate my incredibly obvious and uninformed complaints about it. (In the same way that anyone advocating for police abolition MUST have an answer for the obvious "but then who will stop all the murderers?" question that people immediately respond with). I picked up this book in particular because, hey, it's a MANIFESTO! That must be the most distilled version of the idea, so surely it will answer my questions and tell me what I wanted to know!

I, uh. I was wrong.

Before I get started with a lot of my thoughts about the actual book, I do want to say that this is not really a refutation of the idea of family abolition, so much as a complaint that this one book is incredibly poorly argued. I have heard compelling arguments for family abolition, and I am, at the very least, sympathetic to the idea. I was honestly coming into this hoping to be convinced by it, so I think it's kind of shocking how unconvincing this book was!

OKAY with all my scenes set and my disclaimers made, let's get into the good stuff.

Abolish the Family is a very short book (122 pages, the last 30 pages of which are footnotes), and is broken up into 4 chapters. I'm just going to go chapter by chapter chronologically, although I could probably go in any order, as I don't feel like they really build on each other well.

1. But I Love My Family!

Lewis opens the book by arguing why families are bad: they are the means by which society privatizes care (as I said earlier!), they perpetuate capitalist hegemony, they foster environments under which abuse can flourish. I don't really have any refutations to these points, but I feel like me trying to summarize them here makes them come across as better argued than they are. Lewis makes a lot of assumptions about the readers immediate willingness to agree with her, in my opinion. She imagines we will try to argue that we love our families, which is, admittedly, one of my first arguments. "But loving one's family in spite of a 'hard childhood' is pretty typical of the would-be family abolitionist," Lewis insists, "She may, for instance, sense in her gut that she and her family members aren't good for each other, while also loving them."

I suppose that is true, but when I object to the idea by saying that I love my family, I mean that I enjoy being around them and I think my life is frequently better for them being in it. My mom is one of my best friends, and one of the only adults in my life who cared about and tried to accommodate my disabilities. It's weird to me that the only real response to this objection is for Lewis to go “sure, you love your family, but you can admit they're bad people!” I could admit that, but I don't think it's true! And if I did think that was true, you wouldn't really have to be arguing to convince me, would you? I would already be agreeing with you.

Personally, I always struggle a little with the idea that you can “love” someone but not “like” them, or that you can “like” being around someone but not really “love” them. A lot of that, of course, is that there is no consistent definition of what love means, and I'm autistic, so these things that seem very instinctual to others are occasionally a little inscrutable to me. Lewis attempts to define loving another person as ”[struggling] for their autonomy as well as their immersion in care, insofar such abundance is possible in a world choked by capital.“ Using this definition, she suggests that a mother who REALLY loved their children would not seek to have any particularly special relationship with their child on the basis of being their ”real“ mother, and that you, as a child (”assuming you grew up in a nuclear household“, which is a parenthetical that's doing a LOT of heavy lifting, if you ask me), surely noticed how lonely and isolated your mother was, being confined to the home, so you should all understand that family abolition is truly the more ”loving“ option, as opposed to perpetuating the family structure.

My problem with this argument is that... well, none of these things were true about my mom? She did not ”restrict the number of mothers (of any gender) to which [I] had access.“ When my father got remarried, she was delighted there would be more people in my life to love and care for me. And I most certainly did not sense her loneliness and isolation, because she was neither lonely nor isolated. And I very much did not grow up in a nuclear family, as my parents divorced when I was still in preschool. All of the things Lewis is suggesting as reasons for abolishing the family are things that were achieved for me within the family, and without any special effort on the part of anyone. So why should I support abolition, as opposed to, say, better social safety nets or something? If you were arguing that we need to eliminate mosquitoes to stop the spread of malaria, the fact that you can get vaccinated against malaria WITHOUT eliminating all mosquitoes kind of undercuts your argument, doesn't it? Even if I agree the problems you've pointed out are bad, you haven't convinced me that yours is the best solution.

I also found that the way that Lewis brings up the issue of abuse comes across as kind of... callous, I guess? It's brought up as more of a gotcha towards people who think that families aren't inherently evil, as opposed to a real concern that she actually has compassion towards and is seeking to solve. Lewis writes, "The family is where most of the rape happens on this earth, and most of the murder. No one is likelier to rob, bully, blackmail, manipulate, or hit you, or inflict unwanted touch, than family. Logically, announcing an intention to “treat you like family” ... ought to register as a horrible threat." And that's about all she has to say on the subject of abuse, beyond one name drop of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, an English 6-year-old who was murdered by his parents during the COVID lockdowns (which, frankly, I found both a little inappropriate to mention, and not even a good example of the thing Lewis is complaining about. The abuse this child was experiencing at the hands of his father and his father's girlfriend was reported by both his grandmother and his uncle, but social services chose not to investigate. While he was abused and subsequently killed by his family, his family also attempted to save him. So it's a little weird to use this as an argument for family abolition and for having some sort of government/non-family body be in charge of the safety and well-being of children, if you ask me.) It just strikes me as weirdly uncaring, to bring up the subject of abuse only in response to a common piece of advertising copy. "Oh, Olive Garden says 'when you're here, you're family'? Well, sometimes families rape each other. Betcha didn't think about that!" Like, yeah, Sophie, I guess I didn't. You owned me, with facts and logic. Congrats.

2. Abolish Which Family?

I'm gonna be honest, it's very possible that this chapter went a little over my head. I like to think I'm decently smart and whatnot, but I really couldn't parse some of the points of this chapter.

Lewis states that her purpose in this chapter is to argue why families must be ABOLISHED, and not reformed or expanded, and why THE FAMILY needs to be abolished, and not just "the white family" or "the bourgeois family". She starts off by bringing up what she imagines some of the criticisms to family abolition might be: do you really want to talk about families the same way we talk about things like prisons or police? How can we talk about "abolishing the family" for colonized people, like Palestine, when the occupying genocidal power has already pre-abolished the indigenous family? Isn't this just asking queer people to surrender their hard-won family rights to hospital visitation? "As you can see, I’m semi-fluent—almost impassioned— when it comes to reeling out points against becoming a partisan of “family abolition.”" Lewis writes, "They are compelling, these counterarguments, even to me."

But she doesn't really refute any of these points? At least, not directly, which seems odd, given that she introduced the chapter by bringing them up. Most of this chapter is a lot of Lewis quoting other writers, who were writing about how Black motherhood is "as radical and revolutionary, as spiritual and transformative" (Jennifer Nash), and "Black mothering is queer" (Alexis Pauline Gumbs). I have no problems with Black writers exploring the ways in which the Black family is fundamentally different from the White family, or in finding power and beauty in that. But I do think it's a little odd for Lewis, a White woman writing about how families ought to be abolished, to spend so much of this book talking about how Black mothers are so important and wonderful? I thought families were bad? I think the point she's trying to make, both with this section and her later transition back into talking about how families should not be, is that Black families are already inherently aligned with family abolition, as they exist outside of the societal ideal of "the family", which is White. But it still strikes me as odd, to take a long diversion to deify the figure of a Black matriarch before going back to talking about how it's bad that women feel like they must be mothers. Do we want them to be mothers or don't we?

Anyway, if anyone else has read this book and can come up with a more coherent thesis for this chapter in particular, let me know. It's definitely the one I struggled with the most.

3. A Potted History of Family Abolitionism

In this chapter, Lewis lists every prominent writer that has written in support of family abolition (by her own metrics, as some of them did not identify themselves or their political pursuits to be attempting to abolish the family). This was honestly my favorite chapter of the book! A lot of the people she listed sounded very cool, and I will be reading more from some of them. I'm not going to talk about everyone Lewis mentions in this chapter, but I will go through a few of the ones I had the most to say about:

Charles Fourier

A French philosopher from the late 18th/early 19th century, he is the man who coined the word "feminism" and wrote about utopias (including insisting that, in his imagined utopia, the seas would lose their salinity and turn to lemonade. So I'm gonna put his ideas of utopias in the "maybe" pile). He imagined a world in which people lived in "phalanxes" of 1600 people, with universal basic income, covered walkways to protect from bad whether, a guaranteed sexual pleasure minimum, and communal kitchens, where all cooking and eating would be done by everyone. Lewis refers to some of these ideas as "unquestionable sensible" (particularly the removal of private kitchens in favor of communal cooking), and I, personally, DO question how sensible the idea is, actually! This is an incredibly common talking point amongst my fellow radical leftists of all stripes, to which I always want to respond with: have you ever known anyone with a severe allergy, or dietary restrictions, or an eating disorder, or or or or? I have ARFID, and there are very few things I can eat. Are we going to require the entire community change their diets to match mine, or, under this utopian society where I am not allowed access to a kitchen for only my food, am I simply not allowed to eat? Given how hostile people are to those with peanut allergies, even when it does not impact them in the slightest, I find it hard to believe that everyone would be happy never using peanuts in their cooking ever again when someone with an allergy joins the community. Maybe it makes me an unforgivable lib or something, but I don't believe capitalism is the sole reason behind man's unkindness to man, and I don't believe it will disappear after we build communism.

I also have some concerns about this supposed "guaranteed sexual pleasure minimum", but it doesn't seem like Lewis is going out of her way to defend that part, so I suppose I will have to let it slide in service of brevity. Which I know is funny to say, considering how long the rest of this post is. But, well, you decided to read it, so this is at least partially on you.

The Queer Indigenous and Maroon Nineteenth Century

This part's good! Lewis talks a lot about how, pre-colonization, Indigenous tribes did not organize property along the lines of the biological family, and the idea of "the family" was something that was imposed upon them by colonization. Taking property ownership out of the hands of the collective and putting it under the control of the heads of households - which is to say, men in general and husbands/fathers in specific - was a way for colonizing governments to dissolve the tribal identity. In this way, family abolition is actually a protection AGAINST colonialism, because it would be allowing people to return to ways of structuring communities that were not imposed by the colonizers.

Lewis goes on to talk about the similar experience of the people newly emancipated from chattel slavery in the U.S. Given the circumstances under which slaves were forced to live, the structure that we recognize as "the family" was not available to them, and once slavery was abolished, former slaves did not immediately organize themselves along family lines, and retained “diversity of relationship and family structures greater than their white contemporaries on farms or in factories" (Lewis quoting M.E. O'Brien). Lewis adds, "But the American state’s policing of the post-Reconstruction Black marital bed laid the basis for twentieth-century welfare officers’ “man-in-the-house” rule, which denied benefits to any mother caught “living” (even just for a couple of hours) with a member of the opposite sex. If you, a Black woman, had a “man in the house” of any kind, the law declared, then that man, not the state, ought to be the one paying your child support."

Overall, I thought this section was great! Very informative. Wish the whole book was like this.

Wages for Housework and the National Welfare Rights Organization

This is my favorite section in the whole book. While I don't think that Lewis herself adds much to the discussion, I do think that everything mentioned and quoted in this section is incredibly good and compelling. She first discusses the Wages for Housework movement in Italy which was, as the name would suggest, demanding financial compensation for the household labor traditionally expected of women. “They say it is love,“ Wages for Housework said, ”We say it is unwaged work.“ To quote Lewis:

”Pointedly, they did not deny that unwaged childcare, eldercare, housekeeping, sex, emotional labor, wifehood, might be a manifestation of love. Rather, the militants argued that “nothing so effectively stifles our lives as the transformation into work of the activities and relations that satisfy our desires.” Put differently: the fact that caring for a private home under capitalism often is an expression of loving desire, while at the same time being life-choking work, is precisely the problem. That the “they” of the dictum—bosses, husbands, dads—are not wrong about this illustrates the insidiousness of the violence care-workers encounter (and mete out) in the family-form. It’s the reason paid and unpaid domestics, and paid and unpaid mothers, still have to fight just to be seen as workers."

Meanwhile, in America, and frequently in collaboration with Wages for Housework, the late 1960's saw the formation of the National Welfare Rights Organization, which at its peak represented as many as one hundred thousand people, the majority of which were Black women, agitating for reforming America's welfare infrastructure. One of its founding members was Johnnie Tillmon, a self-described "middle-aged, poor, fat, Black woman on welfare," who said, in an article for Ms. magazine in 1972:

"For a lot of middle-class women in this country, Women’s Liberation is a matter of concern. For women on welfare, it’s a matter of survival. ... [Welfare] is the most prejudiced institution in this country, even more than marriage, which it tries to imitate…. A.F.D.C. (Aid to Families with Dependent Children) says if there is an “able-bodied” man around, then you can’t be on welfare. If the kids are going to eat, and the man can’t get a job, then he’s got to go. Welfare is like a super-sexist marriage. You trade in a man for the man. But you can’t divorce him if he treats you bad. He can divorce you, of course, cut you off anytime he wants. But in that case, he keeps the kids, not you. The man runs everything. In ordinary marriage, sex is supposed to be for your husband. On AFDC, you’re not supposed to have any sex at all. You give up control of your own body. It’s a condition of aid. You may even have to agree to get your tubes tied so you can never have more children just to avoid being cut off welfare."

At a time when most feminists were focusing on getting more women into the workplace, Tillmon and her comrades were demanding the freedom to NOT work, “the aspiration that women’s lives would no longer be dictated by husbands, employers, government bureaucrats, and clerks,” in the words of Wilson Sherwin and Frances Fox Piven.

Lewis argues that the work of the NWRO and Wages for Housework were works of family abolition "on the basis of their simultaneously (or combined) non-maternal and non-workerist accounts of what it is that a poor single mom needs and wants." I'm not really sure I agree, or I think that, were I to agree, then I once again have no idea what does and does not constitute "family abolition." If acknowledging that some single mothers would rather not work is an implicit endorsement of family abolition, that isn't all leftism inherently family abolitionist? I imagine that Lewis would argue that, yes, true leftism IS inextricable from family abolition, but she sure spends a good amount of this book talking about how many leftists DON'T support family abolition. If wanting universal basic income, for example, is wanting family abolition even if I don't say I'm advocating for family abolition, then how can you lament that I don't support family abolition? Am I overthinking this? Probably.

As I said, there were other sections in this chapter that I skipped over, because they were less interesting to me, or I had less to say about them: some arguments that Marx and Engels supported family abolition, some writings from a Soviet family abolitionist (who later, it seems, sacrificed a lot of her own ideals to support Stalin), dismay that Gay Liberation movements had been advocating for family abolition and the expanded rights of children but backed away from it to focus on surviving AIDS, and discussion of second-wave feminist Shulamith Firestone, whose utopian vision in her magnum opus, The Dialectic of Sex, involved mechanical uteruses in which all human fetuses would be gestated, resulting in no one even knowing who they were biologically related to any longer (and, by Lewis's own admission, segments of this book were pretty racist, and featured absolutely no mention of queerness. Ain't that just the way).

4. Comrades Against Kinship

We're almost done! In this chapter, Lewis finally answers the question I've had since I first heard the words "family abolition": but what does that look like? As you can imagine from my frustrations overall with this book, she does not have a coherent response. I would say she gives three answers to this question:

First, quoting Michèle Barrett and Mary McIntosh, she says, "Any critique of the family is usually greeted with, ‘but what would you put in its place?’ We hope that by now it will be clear that we would put nothing in the place of the family." Which is frustratingly dismissive, in my opinion. Obviously, there would be SOMETHING to replace the family. We're not very well going to just let all infants roam free in the streets!

Her second answer is, she doesn't know.

“It is very, very difficult,” wrote Linda Gordon, “to conceive of a society in which children do not belong to someone or ones. To make children the property of the state would be no improvement. Mass, state-run day care centers are not the answer.” Do we have answers? Do we know yet which kinds of relation are outside capitalist accumulation? Lou Cornum: “If the answer today is none, let us devise some by tomorrow.”

And her final, most concrete answer is: Camp Maroon, the months-long 2020 tent encampment in Philadelphia. Just copying from the book directly once again:

What was Camp Maroon? An occupation, complete with a kitchen, distribution center, medical tent, substance use supply store, and even a jerry-rigged standing shower—a militant village led by unhoused Philadelphians and working-class rebels like the indomitable, one-in-a-million Jennifer Bennetch (rest in power). The encampment was composed of hundreds of people willing to live together side by side, in tents, to struggle for free housing, migrant freedoms, the right to the city, and more. Even I, standing on the periphery, felt transformed. It was that summer that taught me this: all beings exploited by capital and by empire are basically homeless. All of us have been driven from the commons. Everywhere, humans have woven enclaves and cradles of possibility, relief, and reciprocity in the desert. But the thing that would make our houses home —in a new, true, common sense of the word—is a practice of planetary revolution.

It might seem a bit vertiginous to draw such huge conclusions from a localized camp-out in the middle of Pennsylvania’s capital city. But if you have experienced, even just for a few days, the alternate social world that brews in the utopian squatting of a city boulevard, you probably know. It’s trippy: people acquire a tiny taste of collective self-governance, of mutual protection and care, and suddenly, the list of demands, objectives, targets and desires becomes much longer and more ambitious than simply “affordable housing.” That’s why M. E. O’Brien thinks “the best starting point to abolish the family” is the protest kitchen: “Form self-organized, shared sleeping areas for safety. Set up cooperative childcare to support the full involvement of parents. Establish syringe exchanges and other harm reduction practices to welcome active drug users.” Expand from there, and never stop expanding.

There's also a lot of waffle about Aufhebung, a concept popularized by Hegal (which Lewis refers to as "the word abolition’s weighty original German form", even though the word "abolition" did not at all originate from Aufhebung, but instead from the Latin abolitionem. But now I'm nitpicking, I suppose), and a strange implication that actually, unhoused people in 2020 were better off than people who had to move back with their families, which I'm not sure really holds up to scrutiny overall. The final paragraphs of this alleged manifesto bring up a heretofore unmentioned point about how family abolition does NOT support the policy of separating families of "illegal aliens" at the border; family separation is actually another way of enforcing the importance of the family unit, as it uses the removal of family as a punishment and the (alleged) respect for the integrity of the family as a reward. Personally, I was always taught that the conclusion of a book or paper isn't really the right time to bring up new points, but I guess I'm just not as smart as Sophie Lewis.

Conclusion:

Let's see how many of my initial questions and concerns were addressed in this book!

If all children are to be raised collectively by the community, how will unique cultures and heritages be passed down? - Kind of answered, but not really. In the first chapter of the book, Lewis states "Like a microcosm of the nation-state, the family incubates chauvinism and competition. Like a factory with a billion branches, it manufacturers "individuals" with a cultural, ethnic, and binary gender identity; a class; and a racial consciousness. Like an infinitely renewable energy source, it performs free labor for the market. ... For all these reasons, the family functions as capitalism's base unit." (Emphasis mine) So, I guess, unique cultures and heritages won't be passed down, and she thinks that's good? She doesn't address this specifically, but I don't think you can put "imbues people with a cultural and ethnic identity" on a list between "incubating chauvinism" and "performing free labor for the market" and say that you weren't trying to imply that it's bad and the world will be better without it.

And isn't "abolishing families" what colonizing governments did to their native populations, when they forced their children to attend state-run residential schools? - Answered, genuinely! No, it's different, because it would be abolishing the idea of what a family is/ought to be that was imposed upon native populations, and would allow them to go back to doing whatever they want.

What's the alternative? - Answered, but the answer was "nothing. why would we abolish families if were were just gonna do families again?" so. Not really answered, if you ask me. And by reading this, you are implicitly asking me. There is no clear answer to what the world would look like if Lewis got her way, beyond, I guess, something like the tent city she visited in 2020. But that doesn't really answer my question of: in Lewis's ideal world, what happens to a baby after it's born? If I give birth to a baby, do I get to keep it? If I want to have children, do I get to have them at all, or is this work entirely offloaded to mechanical wombs (that I guess will have been invented by then)? Is it someone's entire job in this society to just gestate and birth children? Do I get to fuck freely and then give birth, but my baby is raised in some sort of state-run nursery or community-owned crèche? I don't know. I didn't know before I started this book, and, if anything, I somehow know even less now.

I looked at the GoodReads reviews for this book, and saw several people saying that they were generally fans of Lewis' work, but that this one was unusually bad, so I might try checking out her other book. If any family abolitionists read this post and have any recommendations, please let me know. I assume this can't possibly be the best articulation of the idea, because it is honestly borderline inept. For her self-described manifesto, Lewis sure doesn't ever make clear what she's hoping to manifest!

If this IS the best articulation of family abolition, then I think it's probably poorly thought out, at the very least. I don't want to veer into any naturalistic fallacies here, but it seems like this entire perspective hinges on the idea that humans are somehow not animals. That pregnancy and child-rearing are labor, and only labor, interchangeable with my data entry job. If a person gets pregnant, gives birth, and then feels a special bond with the child they birthed that they would like to maintain, it is a result of societal brainwashing at best and active selfishness at worst. A true leftist would surrender their baby to the nearest community government official, so it can be cared for by someone more capable, and then said leftist should get back to their life, same as it was before. Now, I've never had any children, but neither has Lewis, so we're both just talking about what we reckon and what we've heard. And from everything I've heard from friends and loved ones of mine who have borne children, this perspective is entirely out of touch with reality, or, at the very least, is an experience of pregnancy that is very much not universal. And, personally, I find it kind of disgusting.

So, uh, no. I guess this book didn't convince me to embrace family abolition. Which, again, is notable, because I went into it with the explicit purpose of being convinced to embrace family abolition. Ah, well. They can't all be winners.

[paperstorm]

Yes I’m sorry, that’s what I meant going from fire to Emt!

Yes I definitely think TK talked about it before making the decision. It was such a hard choice for him because he was so worried his dad would be disappointed, and he's in a vulnerable place, and Carlos is such a steady and calming and tender presence in his life especially during that time when TK was spinning out. I did deal with in my series, you mentioned that in the last ask, below the cut is how I wrote it <3

“What did you want to talk about?”

TK presses his lips together and drops his gaze for a moment. It feels dangerous to even be considering it, but he figures if there’s anywhere on earth he can do that, it’s right here.

“I. Um.”

“It’s been a really rough week, huh?” Carlos asks sympathetically.

His eyes are so big, such dark endless pools that TK can see the frowning reflection of his own face in them. He places a quick kiss to Carlos’s lips and tells him, “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

TK climbs off of him. He scoops his underwear off the floor and pulls them on before he heads downstairs, for the bag he left by the door. He unzips it and finds the application.

Back in the bedroom he hands it to Carlos and then goes around to the other side of the bed, sitting beside him against the headboard. He watches as Carlos turns it right side up in his hands and reads the information on the header of the page.

His brow crumples into a frown. “You don’t want to be a firefighter anymore?” he asks, looking at TK.

TK exhales and looks at his hands. “Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“No. Not if it’s what you want.”

“I’ve always been better at the medical stuff anyway,” TK says honestly. “I don’t know, it seems to just stick in my head.”

“You’re brilliant,” Carlos tells him, bumping his shoulder against TK’s.

TK smiles a little.

Carlos takes another look at the form. “The 126 is hiring to replace Tim?”

TK nods. “They’ve been looking. Nobody’s worked out yet. The guy they’ve got right now refused to go into that field today, that’s how I ended up there in the first place. So I can’t see him lasting much longer. I think … maybe I could be really good at it.”

“Then what’s the hesitation?”

When TK doesn’t answer right away, Carlos sets the application on the nightstand and raises his arm, giving TK a spot to lean against his chest. TK snuggles into him, wrapping his arm around Carlos’s waist. Carlos kisses his forehead.

“I became a firefighter to impress my dad,” TK admits. He’s admitting a lot of things, this week, and he’s pleasantly surprised by how okay that feels. He could tell Carlos just about anything, he thinks, and TK’s never had that before. He’s so much more accustomed to parceling out the little bits of himself that he thinks people will find the least annoying.

Carlos rubs his arm gently. “I’m not a stranger to that feeling.”

“I know.” TK kisses the warm skin under his cheek.

“Go on.”

“He always used to say his crew back in New York was his family. He’d use it as a reason he couldn’t come to my hockey game or the science fair or whatever, because they were his family. As if I wasn’t.”

Carlos sighs quietly.

“I don’t think I realized it’s what I was doing, at the time. I convinced myself I’d always wanted to be a firefighter. But I don’t think that was true, I think I was just … trying to find a way to get Dad to see me.”

“And now?”

“It’s not like I hate it. I wouldn’t have stuck with it this long if I didn’t like the job. But maybe I’d like this new job better. I could always switch back, if I’m wrong.”

“But?” Carlos pushes gently, when TK is silent for another long moment.

“What if I’m just – reacting?” TK asks. “Because my divorced parents are having a baby in their 50s, and Judd tried to teach me to drive an engine a few days ago and I was really shitty at it, and …”

“And what?”

TK closes his eyes and tucks his face into Carlos’s neck. “He said he’s going to be a father.”

“Your dad?”

“Yeah. The other day. He’s finally scheduling the surgery I’ve been bugging him about for months, because I’m going to be a father.”

“Going to be,” Carlos repeats, understanding and a tinge of sorrow in his voice.

“I’ve just … I’ve never been … enough.”

Carlos’s arm tightens around him. With his other hand he tucks a crooked finger underneath TK’s chin and lifts it, gently asking TK to look at him. There’s so much empathy swimming in his dark eyes, and TK knows how intimately Carlos understands this exact feeling.

Repeating what he’d said the other day, in a soft voice he promises, “You are more than enough for me.”

TK smiles as Carlos leans in to kiss his forehead.

“But I understand why that doesn’t fix this.”

“I know you do.”

Carlos wraps both arms around him and rests his cheek against TK’s forehead. Quietly, he says, “Maybe it is a reaction, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad reaction. Maybe all this just helped you realize you want this.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ve seen you on medical calls, TK. You’re amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. You’re never panicked, you help keep people calm, you have all this complicated information in your head and you can remember it all in crazy moments. You make it look so easy, when I know it’s not.”

TK squeezes his eyes shut, the praise washing over him and warming him from the inside.

“You’d be so good at this. You’d help so many people.”

“Should I apply?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes,” TK says, thinking about it only for a second and finding the certainty he was looking for.

“Then yes.”

“You won’t be disappointed?”

“In you? Never.”

“Not even because paramedics don’t do sexy calendars like firefighters do?”

Carlos laughs and jostles him playfully. “Man, you’re right, that is a bummer. Luckily for me, I get to see you all sexy any time I want.”

TK lifts his head, looking up into Carlos’s smiling face. “Thank you.”

It feels like he’s thanking Carlos for a lot of things, and TK can’t name them all in this moment so he hopes Carlos just understands.

“Of course.” Carlos kisses him. “Always.”

[monty-glasses-roxy]

So... so far my thoughts on Help Wanted 2 are that yeah probably playing as Cassie's dad or the conspiracy guy from SB. I'm weirdly not too interested honestly? We seem to have maybe given Vanny some revenge in allowing her to kill Glitchtrap with Princess Quest 4, which is interesting. Interesting to know that's where the fourth game is too.

Moon and Mystic Hippo saying "what makes you so special?" is interesting too like??? Honestly? This feels like the player is the one that got away. Like we survived something, when no one else did, or we just chose this path despite no logical reason and no logical connection to anything at all. Maybe we're Luis here to save Vanessa? Maybe we're Cassie's dad trying to save her, and in doing so, leave nothing to prevent Cassie from joining us in the dark? Or conspiracy guy from SB that just knows something is wrong and has figured out that someone is trapped by the games, with this being their final attempts to do something about it?

Or perhaps, we're one of Mimic's (or Vanny's?) victims, the only one to get away in a massacre and have returned for one reason or another? That does happen twice in the books, so maybe that's applicable here too and we're the one that got away and sealed it away? Such as one of the construction workers for the Raceway that went down there and never came back? Maybe we're there, now trapped underground (since you can't go into the pizzeria in Ruin) hoping Cassie will save us or stop the Mimic?

Mystic Hippo also tells you to really look at our hands which is interesting. Maybe to remind us we're in VR or something? I dunno. Interesting though. There's all those little things like Roxy's plushie being in the dark in the bowling alley, Mystic Hippo asking when we are, all the Glitchtrap stuff happening, the lack of anything Mimic related, the Maskbot having rabbit ears and whatever else... It's all really interesting I guess. Maybe we're the spirits that possess Tangle, or Vanessa or someone, I dunno, maybe Jeremy? Beats me. This is thinking for another day.

Anyway

I fucking LOVE the DJ levels and the carousel. DJ's animations are gorgeously done, he looks amazing and so full of life and character, and the music is fun, he's just so cool. The carousel?? Fucking opens with Sunny complaining that if he was programmed to fix it, it'd be fixed by now lmao and then Moon is just coming at you while you get the three rows of characters moving again. Then suddenly it's on fire. And they added another fucking daycare attendant called Jack-O-Moon that looks dope as hell but I'd bet is making the tags even more inhospitable than before, so thanks for that Steel Wool lmao

I love that Chica is such a nuisance too. Like, they say they're looking into DJ's bugs but not Chica's. Nah you can handle her! She's just going to eat everything ever! Honestly, I'm convinced your job is less preparing food for customers and more preparing food as a Chica Distraction lmao. She's got a massive presence in the game. She's in every food prep stage, the last Fizzy Faz stage, the wild west Fazerblast game and the log flume ride, and she's a really big part of all of those too. This is Chica's game I guess??? Or perhaps this is to show us that Chica is an absolute menace to every staff member ever lmao good for her honestly

Roxy's game is eh. You need to keep watching her or she kills you and if you make too many mistakes she will also kill you which yeah that's fair. Why is her model so dirty though that's what I wanna know. Honestly, her intro speech, like a few others, all feel hugely reheresed like she's sick of saying it over and over which is neat. Foxy has the same thing going on and so does the carnival nurse (who I adore oh my god that happy "I QUIT MY JOB!" thrown in the middle I love it sfdsfsd) but what's interesting about it is the comparison. After the first introduction, Roxy loses that stilted way of talking. She sounds genuinely annoyed that you aren't paying attention to her, and of course in the Ruined version, she sounds in genuine distress the whole time. I dunno, I just think that's neat!

The fact you're using the parts of everyone else on her is interesting too. That's what Gregory did with Freddy, and now someone is doing it with her and she doesn't accept it at all. It just makes her more frustrated with us until she demands a mask. I suppose the thing here is that of course nothing is working for her. She can't see what she looks like and thus, has to go off of how these things are making her feel, and none of them are making her feel better, only worse. Cause of course it would! The other animatronic parts being stuck onto her face obviously aren't going to make her feel better. Her own snout isn't making her feel better because she just wants her god damn eyes back off that thieving kid and everything will be okay again... Hence why she gives up on this and goes back to trying to figure out where he's gone again. Interesting stuff on that one

And sddfsdd Freddy freezing himself in place in cold storage like a dumb. And the fact Circus Baby gives you ice cream and plays games with you like you're a friend and not killable? Interesting! Cool! Sunny being so bossy and stuck up about artwork and the carousel? Hilarious. I love it. Why's the carousel on fire though...

I believe there are still some gamemodes we don't have access to yet, so that's probably where Monty's at. Shame we don't see him at all here but I'm sure we'll see more of him soon.

WE GOT TO SEE MORE OF THE MINIS THOUGH!!!! I love them oh my god. Their model is all YIPPEEEE!!! and I love that for them. They just wanna make music with DJ too! It's so unfair!

And those are my current thoughts on the game. Would love to hear how other people are finding it!

[bakurapika]

when i was a very christian kid with undiagnosed ocd and a focus on religiosity, i knew there were things required for "christian" behavior that weren't actually spelled out in the bible (i'm still not convinced that the obscure verse about spilling his seed is against masturbation). these were usually handwaved as being behavior the world thinks are inappropriate, and we need to keep our reputation clean to reflect god or whatever. with the caveat that jesus hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes so be nice to them

anyway i remember thinking very hard about why swear words aren't allowed. the closest justification i ever heard was another verse about keeping your actions/words/thoughts pure but that was so vague and arbitrary?

i realized that swear words (fuck) and words substituted for swear words (fudge, freak, eff, frig, frick, etc) were from an ethical standpoint identical. like there's nothing inherent in the word fuck that isn't applicable to the word fudge (when used as a swear)

so you'd think the next logical step would be to realize swearing is ok, right? but at that age it was still a religious tenant to trust your parents teachers etc and I couldn't call them liars.

so therefore, i decided that all swear words were morally wrong, including fudge.

i still remember there was a song from victorious or something called "freak the freak out" and i was sooo appalled (although i think i assumed it wasn't "freak the fuck out" but "fuck the fuck out" lol)

BUT, i can't attribute all of this to analytical tween me. i remember some teachers (religious private school) would be even stricter about it. I used to say "What the...!" because comics etc said that. I got in trouble for it once because a lot of bad words could follow that sentence. even when it was ok to say "what the heck" so. what the heck.

and some teachers wouldn't let you say "oh my gosh" because that was basically the same as "oh my god." even i thought that was stupid, because none of us ever prayed to Gosh. wtf

and in retrospect as an adult, i still don't really get the enforcement of censorship around the word God. because i honestly believe that most people think that's god's given name. Like God came into existence and was like "I AM GOD" the same way god might have said "CALL ME ISHMAEL" . so the commandment to not take the name of the lord your god in vain is "don't swear with 'god' because it's really rude to me, Mr. God, esquire"

in christianity we learned about all the different names of god, some being titles, some being actual names, so we knew that wasn't god's only name. but the way it's capitalized everywhere like a name... lol........

after leaving the religion, i did start using "jesus" as a swear which defeats this, because if god was god's given name, i would use that as a swear too. i know that might seem like "ohh im still being controlled by christianity, it's still present in my life" but like yeah it is. so being able to use those words casually is still big dick energy to me

in judaism btw people do censor "g-d" sometimes - my temple never does that, but i do it online as "gd" sometimes if im writing something specifically As A Jew About Judaism because i don't want to sound two-faced to someone who DOES believe in censoring "g-d." but even then, i never heard it as it being God's Real Name. just that the Name is censored for its holiness, but then the word referring to the name gets censored and people use another term even vaguer, and so on over the millennia. i really do believe that in another hundred years, people might start censoring hashem for the same reason

[treesandwords]

The Dalion Family For Dummies Anyone But Me Who hasn't Memorized The Entire Inner Worlds of These Freaks (good please don't do that you'll regret it)

Jamos

Military Dad ™

Needs to chill

HATES magic like really an absurd amount. For a guy who scoffs at anyone showing emotion ever he needs to calm the fuck down.

Has 9 kids. Also has zero idea how to interact with children. Maybe this was a bad idea.

~trauma~

But he never talks about it because it "doesn't matter" except it Very Much Did Fuck Him Up

Technically probably a war criminal but got away with it

"Not everyone is EXACTLY like me with all my same views and values???? what is this?? Something's wrong with everyone but me I guess???"

Scarily good at convincing people to do what he needs them to do

"I wish we could go back to the Good Old Glorious Days of our former empire when *checks notes* my people definitely weren't constantly at war and in much worse conditions than they are now"

Everything even remotely personal is a secret. If it's not one it should be.

Collects weird shit and pretends not to

Katrine

Mom

Screaming internally

The backbone of this family istg

Does things for The Aesthetic

Obsesses over the latest fashion trends

Pretends to know what she's doing. Does not in fact know what she's doing.

Yup that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this situation.

Re: overseeing the leader of a foreign party of rebels from the country you're currently at war with making a formal oath with your daughter & signing contracts in blood

WILL organize a party even if literally everything is in shambles because that's what you do

Laedir

Traumatized oldest son trying to pretend he's not traumatized

Loves his wife

Would honestly just rather let her do everything because she's better at it

Horses Make More Sense Than People

His horse is his best friend

(his horse might be his only friend)

(I am now realizing Laedir is a horse girl)

Zones out during important meetings

Sad Conflicted Boy

Needs a hug

Plagued by intrusive thoughts

Hates water (for good reason)

Quinnton

A himbo honestly

Doesn't have a clue what's going on most of the time but pretends to

The supportive brother

Tries to be cool

Long hair

Has a good heart, just doesn't think things through most of the time

Charms everybody

Ghost story teller extraordinaire

Absolutely adores his dad and older brother

The Cool Brother to Laedir's Nerd Brother

Jock

He & his mom are holding this family together

Gevin

Edgy

Depressed Thot ™

Secretly writes emo poetry but nobody knows that

Scares kids on purpose

Probably gay

Drawn to the ~forbidden lore~~

Convinced everyone hates him. Pretends to roll with it and embrace his role as "everybody's villain" but actually is dying inside

(And actually most people *don't* hate him, he's just kind of a dick and if he was less of a dick they would show that??? boy no offence but you're dumb [affectionate])

Girlbosses too close to the sun

Polyglot prodigy

Fights with his twin in other languages so no one knows how badly they're swearing at each other

Tall af

Carries around a fancy knife at all times for The Vibes. Yes that is an actual and ultimately very emotional plot point.

Bronwyn

The other twin

Honestly? An icon

Angry

Does what she's supposed to but really, really doesn't want to

Also a polyglot

Delays marriage as long as possible because she is definitely just freaked out by the idea of being forced into a maternal role and definitely doesn't also have zero interest in men

Though she does sleep with a guy she's not supposed to just for the sake of having a Dirty Little Secret

Tries to go to college but fails the application (basically)

...and ends up going off into the woods to hang out with a bunch of lady druids

Mad at everyone and also trying so hard to love them

Makes her own clothes

Ciaran

Does not give a single fuck

Probably only likes like 2 people

He's a nerd and then you dig a little deeper and turns out!! He's a bigger nerd than you'd even imagined

Knows exactly what he wants

And what he wants is to live in the woods and never speak to another human again, which he can't have, therefore, rage

Short

Annoyed about being short

Blunt

Does actually care about the people you'd least expect him to care about, but doesn't like showing it

Kind of mean to his siblings but they can't take him seriously bc he's basically a grumpy toad

Jerod

My boy!!

Loves everyone (at first)

They do not always reciprocate

Such a simp honestly

Isn't as honest as he'd like to be

He's so open and innocent that you'd think he'd be, but this boy spends like half the book Telling Lies

Sort of a kleptomaniac??

Like. Has drawers and boxes full of random stuff he finds and picks up that usually doesn't appear to belong to anyone. Usually.

Procrastinates

Has Visions ™

Runs from his problems

BLIND to flirtatious behaviour

"Am I the only one who feels [x way] and therefore obviously Insane, or does everyone else feel it too and they're just lying to me??"

I've said this before but !! Ace king!!!!

Scared of snakes

Germaphobe

Honestly so so unhealthy oh my god

Cassian

Love me love me love me

Seriously needs attention All The Time

Great with little kids

Very gay

Wishes everyone would Just Lighten Up Dammit

But also Feels intensely

The one who tries so hard to make everyone else happy, also the one who needs very badly for someone to try to make *him* happy and isn't getting that

Super supportive, gives long motivational talks at 1 am probably

Cannot take criticism

Wants to be useful

Does what he's supposed to but in a cool way

Able to speak his mind w/o being a dick

Always sees the good in people even if they've shown him otherwise

Nurei

Fashion Queen

The one everyone likes

Smol

A little self conscious

The party planner

Gets along with almost anybody & brings out the best in them

Honestly a great friend

Ok she's a kind of mean to her little sister though

(but they end up friends)

Horrible immune system

Never really stretches her comfort zone. Is ok letting herself be told what to do and not questioning things

Very compassionate but not very emotional

Esme

Cries

When she's angry, when she's sad, when she's happy etc. there will be tears

Also needs Attention

Bad at math

Does whatever the fuck she wants

Bugs her siblings so much but is also so loveable

Is secretly terrified of not being "enough"

Major anxiety

Would probably be an activist

Will call people out with zero shame

Fear of abandonment

Rips up barbies (or Fantasy Medieval World equivalent) & teaches her impressionable nieces how to also rip up barbies

Taglist: @kaatiba

[scripted-downfall]

How do/did you feel about the SPN series finale?

Hello! Thanks for the ask!

However, this is a bit of a tough question. I haven't actually seen it --- I'm currently at the tail end of season 12, and I had to take a pause on watching it for a bit because of an unfortunately timed family issue --- so, in some regards, I'm unfortunately unclear on my emotions regarding it. In some ways, I simply can't address everything, and my stance right now might shift substantially whenever I get there for real. (Consider this the disclaimer section of my answer.)

Additionally, when I first heard about it... I didn't feel especially strongly. I watched a few clips --- mainly consisting of the driving-in-Heaven-and-atrocious-wig section --- and that was about it; I certainly didn't get why everyone was so aggravated. Partly, I suspect, this is because I had only just started watching the first season and, thus, hadn't grown as attached to the characters as I now am; partly because I have a tendency to rationalize things. If I can't change something, I'll try to make my peace with it.

All this being said, I'm now about 99.99% certain that I hate the finale. (Again, I haven't seen it yet, so I don't know for sure... but I made a post earlier about my transition from my state of eh, it happened and I expected it to happen so that's fine to oh bloody goodness, this is horrible, as well as some of my rationale for the latter point of view, and that's available: here.)

However, my main stance is as follows: it's not a happy ending. If that was intentional (e.g. it was supposed to be in line with the "Chuck won" theory I've seen floating around)... idk. I guess they did what they intended. But if they wanted it to be a happy ending --- and everything I've seen about the behind-the-scenes stuff suggests that they did (but, again, could be wrong) --- then I can't help but feel that they very much missed the mark.

First, there are the personal endings for both characters. I... honestly don't understand how anyone is happy. Obviously, I far prefer Dean of the two brothers, but I don't even think that Sam had a good ending. Dean died early in hunting, in the same lifestyle and same manner that would have happened years earlier, if he'd died in season 1. He didn't get a normal life --- despite the dog and the home and the job (or something like it) application sitting on his desk --- and it basically came across as though his sole 'peace' came from his death. And this is especially bad because a large part of the series --- especially back when he wanted to take on the trials during season... 8? I think? --- had featured various characters trying to convince him that no, it wasn't reasonable for him to die like a "grunt". Sam, meanwhile, moved on and got the same normal life he'd have had if nothing happened in season one, which might seem like a good thing. Except. He repeatedly (earlier in the series) expressed a dissatisfaction with normalcy and just moving on, and some of his biggest ostensible regrets from the show are his periods where Dean was dead (or in Purgatory) and he had to keep going. It's just a reprise of what Dean had to go through with the season 5 finale, except permanent, and the aftermath of Swan Song had never been shown to be a good thing, so... I'm really confused as to how it's supposed to be one now. Eileen isn't present --- nor is any other fully-developed love interest that would make it believable for him to have a happy life --- and it's a struggle for me to see that this qualifies as a happy ending.

But also, one of the main arguments I see in favor of the finale is that "the show has always been about the brothers." And I guess I get it? Or, at least, I get what they're trying to say. I just don't agree with it. One of the most quoted lines in the show is "Family don't end in blood", so it seems far more reasonable to say that "the show has always been about family." It's been about the idea that blood family isn't the end-all, be-all of what matters, and yet the entire finale basically just said: psych.

Jack is barely mentioned. Cas is barely mentioned. (And, while, yes, I've made no bones about the fact that I ship Destiel, that's not what's motivating this. I struggle to understand how the finale was liked by anyone, even from a platonic viewpoint.) To the extent that they are mentioned, it (to my knowledge) solely consists of saying that their worth consists of what they could do. This is the same message the show has been resisting in terms of Dean, in terms of Cas, et cetera, and going back on it now feels, frankly, like a bit of a betrayal. Bobby's the only actual family member to show up. (I recognize, however, that COVID interfered with this to some degree, and I can't say that I know all the ways in which it did. I would argue that it's still a bit weird that they couldn't even bring in Cas/Jack, especially since I'm pretty certain they'd been on set for another thing not long before... but, again, I could be wrong.) The presence of John and Mary in Heaven is suggested to be a good and reasonable thing. (I would also mention that it's kinda amusing that Dean finds out his parents are there and then drives in the other direction... but that doesn't really redeem much, so.)

And, in short, the entire message of the show... combusts. The idea has always been to never stop fighting. That's the point of season 3 (even though it fails), season 4 (even though it fails), season 5 (even though it fails), and so on, and so forth. That failure on a season-by-season basis sucks... but they keep going. They keep fighting fate. And then fate takes control and the whole struggle becomes completely pointless because... fate wins. Dean dies a season 1 death. Sam dies a season 1 death. And all their fighting to avoid that? At root: essentially pointless.

All this being said, this is just my personal opinion. If people like the finale, all the more power to them; I'm glad it was satisfying (and, no pressure, but it'd be cool to hear alternative viewpoints... as long as they're kind and logical instead of the slurs and threats of late). And, of course, a lot of this is at least half talking out of my hat, since I haven't seen it (either in full --- e.g. not in clips --- or in chronological order with the rest of the series), but I suspect that my overall feeling shan't really change, and only the specifics will. Regardless, I'm sure I'll make posts about it whenever I get there :)

Thank you again for the ask, and I hope that did answer the question to some decent degree!

[dt365-2024]

10/27/24

Breakup book camp Exercise 1:

10 points-write what happened between you and your ex

1. I felt very insecure and unsafe when he went to GA. It was a combination of things-the lack of communication(prior to his trip, he was playing chess a lot, ignoring my texts/call), I felt like I wasn’t getting the attention I needed. Also, his job app to AZ made me feel like he could break up with me at any time if he were to ever get the call to work there. The baby talk and his commitment to not staying here really triggered something inside of my and I broke up with him. While he was in GA.

2. Things were rocky when he came back. I apologized for my self sabotaging behavior, the feeld account and my initiation to break up. I didn’t know where we stood, and he never texted me when he came back. I didn’t know if I could come over or not. Suddenly, there was no communication and I asked he was okay… not response back. So I started getting anxious and worried that he was with someone else. His location was off, so I stopped sharing my location too. I created dating profiles to see if he was on it. Yes, very crazy and insecure behavior. I couldn’t find him, so I deleted AM right away. The next morning, he said that his phone died. I felt immediate relief and shared my location again. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, but my trust issues were through the roof.

3. I signed up to be an egg donor after I rejected being a donor and surrogate for his sister. I wasn’t clear with how I felt, and I didn’t express it in a healthy way. His job app to AZ and how rocky we have been made me feel incredibly unsafe to carry his baby. Something in me, which was most likely fear and trauma, convinced me that he would abandon me. The donation of my eggs was honestly for side money. As wrong as that may sound, that’s the truth. I didn’t tell him I submitted an application.

4. He didn’t believe what I said about my bruise, AM, or my intentions or story in general. He said I was lying and hiding things. That I was trying to meet other people. That was far from the truth. I did not meet with anyone. I did not talk to anyone. I did not open those accounts to date other people. It was literally to see if he was on there.

5. He is choosing not to trust me because of my lies and lack of honesty.

6. I suggested that he should date other people. It wasn’t because I wanted to see other people. It was because it felt like I was holding him back. I have my commitment to my job and my kids. On top of that, I am crazy insecure and I have trust issues. I am in no way shape or form ready to date. I am a terrible person to date. With a guy like him, he could find someone better. Maybe a girl he could live with in his nice apartment. Yes, it would hurt like hell, but deep down I feel like I am not worthy of love or attention.

7. I browsed anonymously when I was using those dating apps to investigate him because I was ashamed of my behavior. I didn’t want him to know what I was doing. How insecure and unstable I was. To create fake dating profiles to see if he’s on there is absolutely insane of me to do. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. Because his phone was dead.

8. He is unwilling to tolerate my behavior. He is done with me. He blocked me.

9. I did not feel safe or secure in this relationship.

10. I certainly did not feel loved or seen. He sees me as something else entirely. He thinks I am a cheater, when I am not. I have been loyal to him.

[herearedragons]

Updated Inquisitors: Aqun Adaar

Aqun is an archer artificer rogue. He's about 30 and has no canon romance. He's also half-human.

I tried to write a breakdown of his themes like I did with Evelyn, but couldn't do it. It's probably because he's one of my favorite OCs and I just have too many thoughts about him, but also because he has two story arcs (as Inquisitor and as a companion), which focus on different things.

The Inquisitor version of him commits to the role without hesitation. Out of everyone involved, he has the least personal stakes in everything that's happening and the easiest way out(the Valo-Kas are still there and very much willing to back him up if he decides to leave), but maybe that's why; he doesn't do it for an idea or because he's being forced to, he chooses to do it because it's right. The world needs to be fixed, and he can fix it, so he will. The Inquisition becomes something personal to him; he gets involved in as many things as he can, from fighting and scouting to research, and does his absolute best to ensure its success. Out of all my Inquisition PCs, he's the one that truly becomes the Inquisitor, rather than reluctantly accepting the role or wearing it like a mask.

But it takes its toll. The pressure of the role is even higher when it's personal, and it brings out both the best and worst in him. There's also the Anchor; It messes with his sleep, it messes with his aim, it nearly makes his hand slip when he's trying to disarm a trap. And, as someone who's usually very put together, who's used to control, it drives him crazy. He never placed much faith in the 'Qunari will go savage if unchecked' idea, but the Anchor, at some points, enrages him so much that he almost reconsiders that. He barely recognizes himself in these moments.

So yeah, his Inquisitor storyline is about expectations and pressure and doing your damn job and control and loss of control and... yeah. It also doesn't have much of a clear resolution; he makes it to after Trespasser (almost) in one piece, and he believes he’s done some good in the world, and maybe that’s enough.

As a companion, the pressure of leading the Inquisition is obviously not there, so his arc focuses a little more on his backstory. He’s the son of a human scientist and a Tal-Vashoth warrior, and ended up joining the Valo-Kas because nobody else would employ him because of his descent. At first he was just selling traps and grenades to them, but eventually ended up becoming a full-time member and their resident explosives expert.

In the first iteration of his companion arc, I went with the idea that he became a mercenary out of necessity and would really rather apply his skills to something peaceful, and that’s… not incorrect, but I’m going to tweak this idea a bit. Because, well, he didn’t have to join the Valo-Kas. He could just keep selling to them. Or not even work with them at all, it's not like he was desperate for money, his family runs a pretty much self-sufficient household.

So the new idea is that he ended up with the mercenaries because part of him wanted to. Sure, he enjoys building and repairing and applying his skills peacefully, but a part of him is fascinated with the destructive applications of the same skills. And then, like in the original version, his companion storyline would allow the Inquisitor to convince him to go in either direction; either stop the mercenary work and do something constructive with his knowledge, or embrace the fact that he likes making weapons, he's good at it, and there's nothing wrong with that. Both endings are good endings, and honestly even if you don't do his quest he's still going to be fine. He would also probably have a lot of dialogue about his family.

All in all, this version of him was created so that I can have a character I like in more world states, but I do like it. It lets me write about his parents (who are cool characters on their own) and let him have more casual moments and just. Not be constantly stressed.

(also, he used to have a romance with Adina(the other Valo-Kas companion OC I made), but I like them as best friends way better. And if I had to choose a romance from the main game for him, he probably has the best chemistry with Josephine, but a) I haven't played her romance so I'm not sure if the vibes fit, b) it might end up the exact same way as with Adina, with them just being BFFs instead.)

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

No worries! Life happens and it’s fairly busy time of year. I’m just happy to hear from you! Though I’m sorry you’ve been feeling poorly! It’s been a brutal flu season.

But yes, agreed, it does really seem like Bardugo had a specific outcome in mind and didn’t really stop to take into account whether that really served the story being told. She’s talked a lot about being a plotter, and starting with a skeleton draft. And while I think plotting has a lot of benefits, that sort of inflexibility is one of its more common pitfalls. Setting out like of course xyz plot point has to happen, because that was always part of the road map!

I don’t think there’s even anything particularly wrong with being wedded to a plot point or ending and not being willing to compromise on it. But at a certain point you have to reconcile what exists on the page and your vision. And Bardugo definitely tried— like I do really respect how much she managed to course correct Mal’s characterization lol, I had no patience for him in S&S but somehow through R&R he’s likeable— but the end result is still just kind of half baked and disjointed. Anyway idk if you’ve heard of “kill your darlings” as writing advice but it feels sooo applicable here.

Semi tangentially, I finally finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer recently (in the year of our lord 2022 lmao) and despite the wildly different genre and face value plot, the ending really struck me as similar to R&R on a thematic level? But somewhat more successful? Like the very concept of “lonely chosen one, whose destiny has always been a burden, distributes her power among other people and is finally given the opportunity to exit the narrative” feels so similar to me. And watching it, I was thinking that that was probably the effect Bardugo was intending. But I think she just never fully got across that Alina’s in-universe main character syndrome was fully a burden or that she’d be better off leaving. Again we’re told that time and again, but it just ends up feeling like she’s trying to convince herself of that/generally holding herself back by this belief. Discontent and disappointment as a reader aside, I find it incredibly interesting on a writing craft level.

But yes fanfiction! Retconning is honestly such a useful tool lol. Sometimes you just need a character to be in a very different state and it would be extraneous to go back and show exactly how it happened.

Yesss very much two cakes. And frankly we don’t have much Nikolina fic anyway, so anything is a novelty. And them picking up the pieces together is just such good material.

I love that excerpt! The banter is very sweet. I love the balance between him reassuring her and trying to cheer her up with humor.

And truly, Alina does define herself through other people for so much of the series/her entire life. The Darkling dictates the plot and constantly forced her into making choices and essentially just to act as his antithesis because him winning is so abhorrent, meanwhile Mal dictates her identity and what she’s allowed to want for herself. So her grappling with who she even is and what choices she wants to make without these things to confine her is a very compelling topic!

Also potentially silly question but I’ve never done a word prompt fic format like that, though I’ve seen many on AO3, do you usually go off a prompt list or choose them yourself?

Re: my own fic, well I very much need to catch up on writing it lol. You haven’t missed much tbh! Maybe two or three chapters? I’ve been slow, I had to write a lot (a lot for me anyway) for various fic exchanges this year so I haven’t made as much progress. I did hit 60k words tho o.o

And I’d say I’ve partially fixed the problem, and partially kicked the can further down the road! I’ve had their general relationship trajectory down from the start, but figuring out the more minute tension and resolution in between key moments to keep things dynamic has been the tricky part. And just making sure that everything’s cohesive. To that effect I think I’ve figured out the next chapter (there’s just the tricky business of writing it lmao) but the one after that is still very much up in the air lol

 @goblins-riddles-or-frocks replied to your post:Sunday Snippet

I love this!! I think my favorite take on these two is just throwing them together post r&r and seeing how they claw their way out of their respective traumas. and idk second choice romance is so poignant to me.

I love what a gut punch it is for her to say “I thought I was” there. where do you even go from that! especially after already getting married, and the nature of royalty being what it is I get not knowing how to resolve it tho, I’m stalling on pretty much the same issue myself alas

Ahhh, thank you!! I love the dynamic between these two, and doubly so during and post R&R. They have #CompatibleTraumas, and I think it’s a lot of fun to explore the ways the characters’ traumas and emotional needs interact—both for better and for worse. 

And yes to your statement about second choice/second chance romances!

IMO, even more than her feelings for Mal or the Darkling, the main obstacle to canon Nikolai/Alina is that canon!Alina is unsuited for life as a political figure. From a Doylist perspective, this unsuitability boils down to Bardugo’s desire to have Alina end her story by returning to Keramzin with Mal at her side—an ending that wouldn’t work anymore if Alina was allowed to fully grow into her leadership role. 

I think you’re the person I’ve discussed this with before, but while I understand what Bardugo was trying to narratively achieve, and I don’t wholly disagree with it, it still frustrates me to see Alina start to reach her potential, only to repeatedly have it cut off and watch her start from scratch over and over again. I’ll freely admit that this is a matter of personal preference as much as it is objective critique! 

I’m sure a thousand metas have been written about how Alina’s different love interests symbolize different parts of herself and different paths she could have taken, but it always hits me anew each time I think about her canonical relationships.

ANYWAY.

I feel like Nikolai could respond to Alina’s accusations by retreating behind his ‘perfect prince’ veneer, or he could be emotionally open with her, as he has been in the past. Likewise, I can see Alina either retreating from him or having a real conversation with him. Despite the rocky start to their acquaintance, the two of them have been pretty low-drama together when it comes to the personal stuff!

Yeah, the nature of royalty means divorce or even an official separation aren’t really options—especially not without the existence of an heir and a spare!—which would only make Alina feel more trapped. That said, I can see Alina going on a PR tour/diplomatic trip/secret mission by herself (albeit accompanied by guards/friends) as a solution of sorts, as that would temporarily give her space from Nikolai, the palace, and her ordinary duties. Likewise, I think it would help Alina if she did more work with the common people, as that’s something that feeds her soul in the same way working with the nobility drains her. 

The role of queen can’t be completely changed without creating problems for the Lantsov reign, especially since Nikolai came to the throne under the circumstances he did, but I think Alina and he could get away with tweaking it some. Alina’s sainthood would aid them in this, as it lets conservatives write her off as the exception rather than the rule, while also gradually accustoming everyone to a different type of queenship.

That said, I think my resolution might simply be adding Zoya into the mix (and potentially moving the entire scene into my WIP Nikolai/Zoya/Alina fic). 

Zoya tosses her dark, glossy curls back. “Self-pity isn’t a good look on you, Starkov.”

“Self-pity?”

“None of us forced you to stay; no one forced you to marry Nikolai. This was your choice. And now you want to quit because, what, it’s too hard?” She sniffs derisively. “If you’re going to run away, do it now before you’ve established yourself any further. I’m sure someone will step up to fill your place.”

Alina sputters, furious. “I—I’m not running away.”

Even if I wanted to, I have nowhere left to go.

“If you say so.” Her tone is infuriatingly, airily dismissive. “But then, that’s your modus operandi, isn’t it? Running away when things get too real?”

“I’m not a coward,” Alina spits back.

Zoya smiles, all teeth and disdain. “Then prove it.”

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[erimeows]

Back at it again with wholesome sparkling requests! Optimus’ sparkling thinking he’s the coolest guy in the universe, wanting to be like him. This includes wanting to join the autobot boot camp when older to prove themselves. How do you think he would handle it?

Hey! These are always cute, fun ways to break up the romance and smut lol. Headcanons below the cut- enjoy!

When Optimus has his sparkling, you’d better believe that sparkling is the absolute light of his life; cherished, spoiled, adored, doted on, babied. 

Optimus is Magnus at this point in his life and strives to make Cybertron better for the little sparkling he’s raising so that they can grow up peacefully and have an easier upbringing/young adulthood than he did. 

Political corruption, war, crime, all gone or significantly lowered.

The sparkling is also just... Spoiled. They have the finest energon, the best medical care, a beautifully decorated house/room, and top tier education provided to them as they’re raised.

Because of that, they also grow up pretty... Confident. Optimus is just glad they’re not insecure like him, but at the same time, it can be a bit too much because it borders arrogant.

He admires them, though. They’re strong, intelligent, and most importantly, compassionate, always trying to help others- even with their slight arrogance, they’re a good soul.

For whatever reason, his sparkling thinks he’s just the coolest mech and wants to be just like him, which Optimus honestly dreads. He was hoping his sparkling would lead a peaceful life as a medic or an archivist or an artist or a teacher; something like that, but they want to be like him despite knowing everything he’s been through.

And, to be like him- a member of the Elite Guard, potential war hero, potential Magnus material- they have to go through the Autobot Academy to receive the proper training to start off in the Elite Guard.

When his sparkling tells him what their dreams are, he wants to try to convince them to change their mind but thinks better of it. Primus forbid he take the wrong steps and make a little Sentinel Prime by accident.

He’s changed the structure of the Elite Guard and a lot of accountability laws to prevent what happened to him when he was young happening again, but he knows that everything there isn’t perfect yet and doesn’t really want his sparkling to join.

He doesn’t directly tell his sparkling not to do it or scold them, but he does ask why they’re so passionate about a career field that’s hard, difficult, and dangerous when they have so much talent and intelligence that they could use to do just about anything else.

“What do you think? I want to be just like you if not better, sire, and I need to prove myself to do that! This is what I’ve been waiting for.”

Okay, Optimus thinks. He can respect that. 

So, he allows it. He helps his sparkling with the application process, helps them train, and tells them what to pack in their bags and what to expect when they go. 

When his sparkling goes, he may or may not make the Elite Guard staff do a lot more update reports and install cameras for, uh... Security reasons. He totally isn’t spying to make sure that his baby is okay or anything like that. Not at all!

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

Do you think Peeta felt like he was receiving mixed signals from Katniss during CF? Or did he always assumed she had no feelings for him and accepted that?

I’ve always been so curious about his thought process after the first games and their reconciliation for the Victory Tour.

I wonder if he ever felt used by her, even if he loved her. 😭

Hey there, Anon! Thanks for the questions!

Okay I’m gonna apologize up front, Anon. Actually no. I’m not apologizing for this. I’ve been prepping myself to write an entire essay, but before I post it, I feel like I gotta throw up some disclaimers here. And honestly... I shouldn’t have to, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been active on here and I’m still kinda smarting over the things that happened that led to me reducing my involvement in the first place. And tumblr and fandom being what they are... please forgive me for building some fences to hopefully protect myself. You, Anon, have not triggered this initial commentary with your message. It’s leftover baggage, not your fault (I don’t think...*suspicious eyes*), so I hope you will understand and not be upset that I feel the need to do this before answering your questions.

We members of fandoms and denizens of tumblr usually state our meta posts and analysis posts as though they are fact. Not that this is necessarily a bad practice. I just spent three weeks writing two and a half literary analysis papers for my classes. I’ll spend the next two weeks polishing the last of those off and probably starting on an entirely new one because I gotta turn right around and produce three 10-page research papers by the end of November. And guess what... literature professors never EVER want you to "maybe" or "possibly" or "seemingly" your way through an argument. Write with authority, they say. Not because you are arguing that your interpretation is THE RIGHT interpretation so much as you are making a case for your interpretation being THE MOST APT or the most applicable. They require strength of speech because your argument is inherently weakened by using less than definite wording. It is this because of that. Much more convincing than “Well it might be...”

Funny thing about literary scholars, despite their insistence on making your analysis in strong language, a lot of them are willing to listen to different takes and go “Huh. Interesting. I can see the possibilities. Tell me more,” while still holding a vastly different interpretation of their own. In other words, they accept that someone else’s interpretation does not undermine their own. We all do not, and really should not, think exactly the same way. How fucking boring would that be if we did???

In a fandom space, we often write our meta posts in language similar to what a literature student would be expected to write. In definite terms. It is this because of that. You also see it in literary critiques and also movie critiques. And a lot of times, this causes friction because sometimes when people read those meta posts, they take it as a personal attack on their own, different interpretation, as though OP is suggesting that their version is The Right Answer and everyone else is wrong. Which is really not always the case. Even in the sense that we often use those phrases of “I’m right” or “That’s just how it is I don’t make the rules” or “You can’t convince me otherwise,” a lot of time that’s fandom speak for our attachment to certain idea or theory or way of thinking about the text and the characters. In literary terms... those kinds of remarks are hyperbole. Not a direct attack on anyone. Where it becomes problematic is when a fandom member takes that language of fandom literally and/or uses it against another fandom member rather than as a way of expressing our enthusiasm. Or when it turns into an attack on someone’s reading comprehension... the idea that “If you don’t see it my way then you didn’t read the books.” “You’re just projecting onto the characters.” “Any idiot can see...” “If you don’t see it then you don’t belong here.” “Go read other stories/characters.” “Stay out of the tags...” “You’re ruining the characters/my OTP...”

That’s not... that’s not helpful. That kind of attitude stifles free flowing ideas and leaves no room for growth. No room for pretty much anything but one viewpoint. Which will inevitably lead to the shrinking of whatever fandom community is left years after our base content was created. I truly believe that best practice on here is to step back when something upsets you or angers you and ask “How does this really affect me? Am I pissed off because this person is actually hurting me or am I conflating a differing opinion with a personal attack?”

All of this is a convoluted way of saying that even if my words (as I finally get around to answering your question) sound like I'm saying "I'm right, everyone else is wrong," that's actually not the case. Not at all. It's a mother freaking opinion, even if it’s stated like it’s fact. And I’m a big enough girl to be fully aware of it, and know that there will be plenty of people who disagree or see it differently. Great! Wonderful! Nobody has to agree with me. Literally no one. But nor do I appreciate it when others take a swing at me, or at others on here, without granting other people the right to our own opinions or expecting me to edit down my voice just because they don’t agree with me.

DISCLAIMERS DONE! In case you skipped over them. ;)

I think a lot of us are curious about Peeta's thoughts and feeling throughout the series, which is pretty natural. Since all three books of the original trilogy are narrated from Katniss's first person POV, all we ever see is what she chooses to show us. Every character is portrayed through her view, and that affects how we view them. As readers, we have choices to make on how we view the Not Katniss characters. We could assume that Katniss gives us an accurate and full portrayal of all of them... a risky proposition given that she is a flawed character and an unreliable narrator. So really, Katniss isn't always giving us The Right Answer. She’s not omniscient by any stretch of the literary imagination. She is not God, or whichever higher being you might believe in. Which opens the entire series to the possibility of varying interpretations.

Where Katniss gives us only hints and clues, readers have the opportunity to extrapolate, imagine, and explore the possibilities of characterization; and quite frankly since Suzanne Collins left those details out, her intention is not necessarily more important than your interpretation. She set her work out on the sea of readers and capitulates control of how it is received and interpreted. Hello Death of the Author. But you know, that’s like my personal opinion on the matter and it’s influenced by how I view my own writing. Yeah, I meant one thing and if people ask me what I intended, I’ll tell them, but I have no intention of shitting on someone else’s interpretation of my writing. Dude. To me, that’s the beauty of being a writer -- the fact that you can create something, set it adrift, and a complete stranger might see something that you yourself never thought of before. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT?!?!

So how does this apply to Peeta? Well... Peeta is his own character. Yes, we get to see him through Katniss’s eyes, but that means, as I said before, that we only see the things that Katniss notices or that pertain directly to her in terms of the action on the page. The text being the text with a limited first person narrative leads me to the conclusion that Peeta led his own life completely separate of Katniss. He did things, said things, made friends, had fights with his brothers, a relationship with his parents, maybe even kissed a girl or two, was motivated to act completely independent of Katniss and in ways that don’t exist directly on the page, because Katniss herself doesn’t always see them or comment on them directly.

“It’s exactly like that!” he yells at me. “I have people I care about, too, Katniss! Family and friends back in District Twelve who will be just as dead as yours if we don’t pull this thing off.” -- Catching Fire, chapter 5

And if we’re willing to grant Peeta his own life, we have to be willing to grant him his own feelings. Personally, I have never subscribed to the interpretation that everything Peeta did in the first book was out of romantic love for Katniss. *shrug emoji* For example, I’m of the opinion that the gift of burned bread was, if an act of love, an example of agape, or the love of everyone, of humanity. At that point, Peeta had never even spoken to Katniss, and I don’t believe a romantic love can be viably formed and maintained without some form of communication, otherwise, you don’t really know the person. But I do believe that 11 year old Peeta was able to feel compassion and enough love for a fellow human who was suffering (and yes also happened to be the object of his crush), to make a form of sacrifice in giving her the bread.

I also (unpopular opinion alert) believe that the same form of agape love  influenced his motivation to form a strategy for his first Games that revolves around saving his district partner at his expense. I’m not saying that the fact that it is Katniss, his crush, going into the arena with him played zero part in his choices in the first book. I’m suggesting that his crush on Katniss was only part of his motivation for working to get her on the Victor podium and himself in a coffin.

“It doesn’t matter, Katniss,” he says. “I’ve never been a contender in these Games anyway.”

.......

“Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to... to show the Capitol that they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a piece in their Games,” says Peeta. -- The Hunger Games, chapter 10

Alright let’s dig. First I want to say that the setting here is important. They are on the roof of the training center, and the roof has become the place in the Capitol where they tell each other the unvarnished truth. This is where Katniss tells Peeta about Lavinia and her part (through inaction although really what could she do) in Lavinia’s capture and Katniss’ subsequent guilt over it. (The Hunger Games, chapter 6) That’s important because what they say to each other on the roof is not meant to manipulate, so those two quotes are part of how he really feels and thinks.

As for what he’s saying, there’s three parts of this conversation. The first is that he expects to die. He doesn’t actually believe he can win. The second (which I left out) is a desire to maintain his purity of self. The third is the idea that he wants to, on an individual level, undermine what the Capitol does through the Games by making his death, Peeta’s death, a meaningful one. This has nothing to do with him being “in love” with Katniss. This is strictly Peeta’s desire to not die for no reason. The deaths in the Games are pointless. Peeta wants to upend the system. The ironic thing is that even though he talks like he hasn’t figured ot out, he’s already  put into motion the thing that he wants to do -- upending the system by dying to keep someone else alive. And if we want further layers of significance: what he’s doing mirrors what Katniss did in volunteering for Prim. SHe tells us that volunteering is rare except in the career districts, where the Games are viewed differently. Volunteering, even for a family member, just doesn’t happen. Hence why her act is rebellious and gains attention. So again, Peeta is searching for a meaningful death, through an act that is agape love, not eros or romantic love, but it also ends up subverting the system in which they live. The potential for romantic love does complicate his choices, and perhaps give different levels of depth to his choice, but I don’t think it’s the only reason for his choice.

What the heck does that have to do with the question you asked me? Glad you asked! I’m getting there. All of that to point out that Peeta’s life, despite the limited view of his character that we get through Katniss, would not be solely influenced by Katniss herself. Despite the fantastic, science fiction elements to the books, in terms of characterization, and interpersonal relationships, they tend to follow a somewhat Realistic rather than Romantic format. By Romantic, I refer to the tradition of Romanticism where a realistic form of cause and effect wasn’t as central to characterization as say passion, divine influence, the power of the imagination, or the sublime. Not to knock Romanticism, I just don’t see it’s traditions at work in The Hunger Games as much as some others.

So to answer your questions... yes, yes at first, and yes. I would guess that Peeta does feel as though he’s getting mixed signals from Katniss during Catching Fire, at least for the first half up until *drum roll please* the final roof scene. The Place of Truth. And here is why:

We know that once he apologizes for acting wounded after their first Games, and Katniss returns the apology (Catching Fire, chapter 4), Katniss and Peeta are working towards being friends. There are of course some minor bumps in the road, but once they acknowledge that they have to work together and tell each other things, they do so in mostly admirable fashion. The thing is, most of Katniss’ actions during the Victory Tour in terms of physical affection towards Peeta are easily dismissed by him as part of the act. Easy peasy, still friends. Except there’s that pesky detail of the nights on the train... Ah platonic bedshare.* I won’t lie, I literally salivate over that trope in pretty much all forms of intimate relationships. Friendships, sisters, platonic romance, uncertain lovers, absolutely filthy sexed up lovers just holding each other? I die for it. Fangirl moment over, back to the essay!

*I’m not talking fanfiction here, which there is a plethora of ‘what if something sexual actually did happen on the train?’ Katniss specifically tells us that it didn’t. Maybe she is an unreliable narrator, but that’s not because she outright lies in her narration, it’s because 1) she is not omniscient so she has a limited perspective 2) her narration is influenced by her opinions and thoughts so it could misrepresent certain things and 3) she sometimes is uncertain or flawed in her own view of self, to include not quite being able to figure out why certain people are acting certain ways in response to her. These are all very realistic flaws to give a human character and add to the unreliability of her narration. Still, she’s pretty damn vulnerable and open in her narration, to include telling us things that she’s ashamed of and the fact that her pee has turned brown when she’s dehydrated in the first arena, so I don’t see her being dishonest about this particular aspect of her and Peeta’s relationship. By all means, fanfic it up, but to me that’ll always be canon divergent fic.*

So it’s platonic, but: teenage boy mass of confusion.

I don’t think Katniss intends to hurt or confuse Peeta by sharing her bed with him. She is used to sharing a bed, remember? She’s shared one with Prim for most of her life, after all, and so she is both familiar with and comfortable with sharing a bed in a non-sexual, non-romantic manner. In fact, she craves that kind of human contact and closeness. She is most lost when she’s sleeping alone.

We are never told if Peeta has to share a bed with his brothers (ugh I have two sons with whom I’ve had to bedshare with in hotels and because Big Scary Storms, and I pity Peeta if he did lololololol), which leaves him potentially vulnerable to thinking those moments on the train meant something else on top of them comforting and protecting one another. In fact, his comment in Mockingjay would imply that he didn’t share a bed with his brothers, because his brain attached some kind of significance to it beyond the platonic with Katniss (or he’s just being as ass in that scene, also possible given hijacking).

Still, Katniss’s intentions might not be enough to completely erase Peeta’s confusion about the moments in bed together. In other words, just because nothing sexual happens doesn’t mean that Peeta is exempt from wondering if there is a deeper romantic or emotional attachment being formed when they sleep together. 

And Katniss is freaking desperate for physical affection. Once she breaks that barrier with someone she trusts, it almost becomes force of habit. She admits to missing holding Peeta’s hand when they do so after the apology at the beginning of Catching Fire. She describes that kiss in the snow in wistful terms of longing, almost crying. She holds onto his hand and brings it to her cheek after the incident with the fence being turned on while she was in the woods and the Peacekeepers waiting in her house. She doesn’t want to let go when he embraces her on the train to their second Games. After shutting Peeta out when the Victors tease her and finally letting him back into her bed, she talks about how badly she’s been longing “for the feel of him beside me in the dark.” All of these events happen without the presence of the camera. These are all moments of Katniss just wanting physical touch, specifically from Peeta, for her sake and no one else’s, because it is what she wants.

But also at this point, she’s given him no concrete reason to believe that they are anything more than friends. The fact that they go from apology to hand holding as tentative friends to bed sharing in a manner of like two days would suggest that their development of physical affection does not follow a more traditional idea of courtship. So yes, I can see how Katniss’ desire for physical affection might sow the seeds of doubt in Peeta’s mind and make him believe there is hope for them as a romantic couple. He’s a little too eager to confirm that Katniss has only kissed Gale once, and Peeta’s first response to Katniss asking him to run away from the district with her is to ask who else is coming, knowing that she wouldn’t just plan this to get the two of them out, but more importantly, when she lists their families and Haymitch... Peeta immediately asks about Gale. And his answer reveals that he has intuited what exactly Gale feels about her, and that Gale wouldn’t tolerate Peeta’s presence on a soujourn in the woods, but why? If Peeta doesn’t present a threat to Gale and Katniss’ romantic potential, then why should Gale dislike the idea of Peeta going along? Why should Peeta assume that Gale would be adamantly opposed to his presence? So yes, I think it’s entirely possible that Peeta thought she was sending mixed signals.

This isn’t meant to bash Katniss, only to highlight the potential for a form of miscommunication or crossed signals for them, and to point out that just because you don’t mean to hurt someone or make them feel a certain way, your direct actions and words to them might have unintended effects. If Katniss isn’t perfect, neither is Peeta. And if he is capable as a character of having a life and motivations independent of Katniss, he is also capable of feeling things about what she does that Katniss does not intend to make him feel. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

That being said, I also think he did accept that her feelings for him did not and would not extend past friendship, and tried to make peace with it. The two are not mutually exclusive. Think of it like a rollercoaster.

Peeta tells himself that they are friends, nothing more. He repeats this to himself. She starts demanding he sleep with her. Nothing romantic or sexual happens, but this is an act of extreme intimacy... maybe, possibly? ...We could get married, she says.

BAM! Reality check.

Peeta tells himself its fake, it’s fake, it’s fake, but she’s been been wanting him to sleep with her so he climbs in her bed on the way home, and accepts that this is just what they do, protect each other from the night. But also they are engaged and at that point believe that they will somehow have to make a life together, so he takes the liberty of saying things that maybe he wouldn’t have said before. Life goes on, friendship is fine. ... Peeta would you run away with me? she asks. Yes! Wait... What about Gale? Also who’s getting whipped?

BAM! Reality check.

Alright, she loves Gale. No big deal. Friends. Friends is good. ...I live three houses down why are you calling me? Friends, we’re friends we’re friends it’s good, never mind that I’m probably gonna be married to someone who is in love with someone else, I got this ... wait where is Katniss and why are there Peacekeepers here???? ... Stay with me, she says.

BAM! Feelings. Damnit. Why me?

We could go on... but I’ll spare you my terrible summary. Anyways, the point is, I think he did accept that she didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him, but as she developed those kinds of feelings through Catching Fire, I think he would’ve picked up on some of the moments, dared to hope, and then had to crush those feelings. And the fact that he felt like he was being yanked back and forth might have led to moments of feeling like she was using him. However...

One does not run into a bloodbath/Hunger Games Feast to save the life of a person you don’t give a flying fuck about. One does not suggest mutual suicide if there is zero level of care. One does not ask a person to flee a tyrannical government if one does not give a shit if the person is tortured and killed. So Peeta could have, and likely did, rationalize that maybe Katniss didn’t feel the depth of feelings or attachment to him that he wanted her to feel, when he wanted her to feel them, but I think he knew there was some level of trust, affection, and attachment to him on her part, which could have led to confusion via that pesky thing we call hope and possibility.

All of that, and I still don’t think this complication of their relationship diminishes it, not by any means. I actually think it enhances it, deepens it. Relationships are fucking messy. They’re not pretty or perfect. They’re not linear in development, either. They just... aren’t, I’m sorry. You cannot walk through life without unintentionally hurting someone. Conflict of desires and interests is GOING to happen. And I see that in Katniss and Peeta’s relationship as it develops. It’s not healthy to be solely motivated by one other person, to put everything in your identity into one other person. So yeah, I’m not a “Peeta did everything for Katniss and nothing else” kind of reader. Peeta can love Katniss while still feeling used by her in certain moments. He can love her and still be confused by the signals she is sending him in regards to their relationship. He can love her and still have a life and relationship outside of her. They are not mutually exclusive, and to me, that’s more reflective of reality, which as sad as it might be at times, is actually part of the beauty of their relationship.

[soranis-sunshadow]

Entrapta deserved better

My posts are usually either detailed analysis or memes and shitposts.

I’ve re-watched the show and this will be an angry rant…  

With every viewing of the show, Entrapta’s arc makes me progressively angrier because I empathize with her so much.

She is introduced to the show as being a reclusive scientist, known throughout the Maker’s guild for her genius. Even her staff is weary of her. She spends all her time alone with her robot friends in her lab within her isolated castle.

The alliance interacts with her with the explicit purpose of recruiting her into their war effort. They want her for her ability to build weapons for them. That’s as deep as the relationship goes this far.

Entrapta has no stakes in the war, the Horde hadn’t attacked Dryl. She joins them because she wants to be their friend; she wants to help them in the only way she knows how, using her technological prowess to their benefit. Due to her isolation (and her being autistic), Entratpa struggles to understand interpersonal dynamics. Human interaction is a skill she has had little practical experience with. She understands the concepts, the rules of the game, so to speak, but she has seen it in play only as a third party rarely ever practicing it herself.

She’s invited to the Princess prom due to her princes status but she’s an outsider there too. No “friendly” princess seeks her out to hang out with her as a friend would. The only person who does so is Catra, and she does it for her own reasons…

With Glimmer abducted, the alliance mounts a half-baked rescue operation. Everything Entrapta did in this episode had a purpose, it looked like she kept getting distracted when in actuality, she was studying horde tech, rescuing Seahawk and furthering their mission and she had no time to explain herself (it also occurs to me that Entrapta might not explain herself because no one asked and no one ever understands her reasoning anyway) The princesses try to control her because she’s being “difficult”. They don’t care why she’s being difficult, they want her to conform.

Once they rescued Glimmer, they don’t even come back to check if Entrapta’s actually dead, or to get her remains and put them to rest respectfully. They allready have the princess they came for.  

Entrapta is all alone with her new robot friend Emily in the Frightzone vents, expecting that she’d get rescued because “no princess left behind” but rescue never actually comes.

Catra uses this new abandonment to convince her to switch sides. Entrapta didn’t jump ship because of her tech hyperfixation, she switched sides because Catra used her skill at pinpointing someone’s weak-spot and poking at it. 

Catra may not have been Shadow Weaver’s favorite ward (she was her scapegoat and punching bag, the poor girl) but she did learn from her and repeatedly put those skills to “good” use.

Once they find out she’s alive, the alliance wants to rescue her but she’s made new friends in the Horde and she think that they understand her fascination with science, friends that actually interact with her directly. She actually feels included here and as such, she’s not eager to return to the alliance’s side.

Entrapta befriends Catra and Scorpia but even in this trio, she is the third wheel. Catra is focused on herself, her ascension in The Horde and on her missing Adora. Scorpia is focused on Catra and on pinning for her.

Once Entrapta and Hordak start growing closer together, Catra stops talking to her. Perhaps she was hurt because Entrapta “broke her promise” to not go in Hordak’s sanctum, perhaps she was envious of her closeness to the Horde leader, or perhaps both, either way, the friendship is broken from Catra’s side. Entrapta still sees her as a friend and fights Hordak over the decision to send her to Beast Island. Despite his grouchiness, he considers her request and grants it.

As recompense for saving her life, Catra backstabs Entrapta when she tried to stop Catra from triggering a potentially world ending event and then sends her to the fate Entrapta saved her from: exile on Beast Island.

When faced with the choice between Catra and Entrapta, Scorpia choses Catra. Hordak is lied to so he doesn’t know to look for her, he believed she used him and is heartbroken about it.

You can actually pinpoint the moment his little heart breaks in this scene:

 Even so, he spends most of season 4 wanting to face her; he’d rather see her as an enemy than not see her at all.

After Catra proves herself a bad friend, (after months) Scorpia finally decides to rescue Entrapta and goes looking for help, deserting to the alliance. She has this little realization:

Adora is the only person that actually wants to go right away and rescue her. Bow wants to rescue her because they need her tech savvy and Glimmer says that they can rescue her after the war or something… (the Island she’s on is a death trap, she might not live that long for all they know)

she said this 

then this

She knows that this is a time sensitive issue but she wants to put it off  despite the urgency, if that doesn’t sound like friendship to you, then what does?  *sarcasm intensifies*

Contrast this with how the villain of the show reacted to the news of her being sent to Beast Island:

On Beast Island Bow gives her a longwinded speech about how she’s supposed to work harder at friendship. I know he’s projecting his own issues here but it still makes me so damn angry. Entrapta’s trying; she’s trying so hard, no one ever tries back! No one makes the effort to understand her (except that one clone but we’re not talking about him), she has to conform to their expectations, the reverse is never applicable.

Anyway, stuff happens and Glimmer is abducted again, by Horde Prime this time.

Then that whole “Lauch” episode happened. Entrapta is distrusted by the alliance more than Scorpia is. She is seen and cold and interested only in tech, she has to explain and redeem herself in their eyes after they treat her like rubbish. They don’t connect the fact that helping them with tech is how she shows her friendship. 

It’s the only thing she thinks she’s worth to them. She wants to be accepted by them so badly.

 Entrapta gets emotional over rescuing Glimmer! 

The person who when faced with the same prospect, said she’d do it later…

Even Catra’s apology to Entrapta for trying to kill her is a blank “I’m sorry”. Pls say what exactly you are sorry for Catra. Entrapta deserves that much. Bow received a better apology for far less of an offense.

All she ever does in the show is work towards furthering someone else’s goals, her own are always a second thought. As @cruelfeline​ pointed out, even a small scene with her discussing what happened with Hordak, her reaction to it and the gang focusing on Entrapta’s troubles for ONCE , even if it’s just offering her emotional support, would have meant so much.

Why is the show trying to tell me that Entrapta should work on being a better friend?

That's a terrible message!

She doesn't need to work harder on her friends, she NEEDS BETTER FRIENDS.

So many of us ND people end up being third wheels at best and we blame that on ourselves, we internalize the reasoning that our friendship fail because we’re weird and we’re not doing it right. That we’re the ones that have to try harder to be understood and that our concerns should come second.  That is a terrible thing to internalize, we are blaming ourselves constantly because we try to understand others and they never try to understand us back. 

With age, I’ve grown out of trying and being different so that other people would like me. They’d end up liking the mask I project, not me anyway. I’ve found people that understand me and that like me for who I am, but only after I’ve stopped trying to be “better” for others to accept me. With being honestly “weird” with those around me, I’ve been accepted far more than for trying to fit in. And I’ve realized that people that shun my otherness are not worth the effort to try and befriend in the first pace .

 That is what young autistics need to hear, not “git gud” at friendship.  You are not wrong, you are not defective or broken, you are you and you’re beautiful just the way you are. If other people don’t see that, then the failing is theirs. Don’t change, just look for people that see you. 

[falling-pages]

Coffee Break: Hawks x Reader

Hi lovelies, I’m back with considerably better mental health. I’m still taking writing a bit at a time, slowly, taking my time editing and researching to improve, but I’m finally able to produce content I love again. I’m finally recovering all the joy of writing and now I’m focusing on writing what makes me happy. Thank you for all the sweet messages and support, it means the world to me :)

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Quirkless Reader x Hero Hawks

Fluff

Warnings: None

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“Americano with almond milk for you, chai latte for me.”

You had been so focused on your report that you didn’t even notice the window opening and your winged boyfriend climbing through until he slid your favorite drink in front of you. The smell was heavenly, steaming through the paper cup bearing your local shop’s logo. Your fingers still against the keyboard as you reach for it, stretching out your cramped digits. After typing for hours, any sort of movement sent discomfort rattling up your hands.

“Thanks, Kei,” you say as he hovers behind you, leaning down to kiss your cheek. 

He bent to wrap his arms and wings around you, clutching you close in your chair as you cradled your coffee to your chest. The little cocoon he had suddenly made enveloped you in warmth, cutting off your view of the computer with his beautiful red plumage. All you could see, sense, and smell was him.

He ran his lips up to your temple, the shell of your ear, the spot beneath your earlobe, giving little pecks of affection while he had you under his wings. What good were those wings, anyways, if he couldn’t use them to comfort you?

“Are you nearly done, dove?” he asked, snuggling his face into your hair. “You’ve been at this for hours. Honestly I didn’t know if you were human or one of those robots the captcha quizzes ask about.”

You chuckle, leaning back against his chest. The coffee is still extremely hot, and though your tired brain begs for it, you hold off until it cools down. Keigo gets fussy when you slurp your coffee too quickly and burn yourself. “I still have miles to go before I sleep.”

“Isn’t that some poem?” he asks. “Some American poet?”

“Robert Frost.” You twist your neck to look at him. “You remembered? You’re no poet.”

“But you are. And you quote a lot of them depending on the day.”

“Because they are applicable to my situation.” You turn back and move his feathers away from your computer, making a landing space for your still piping hot drink beside it. The bright white screen welcomes you back harshly, black lines of text still existing. When his red curtain shields you from it, you have a habit of forgetting it exists. Maybe that’s the point--making you forget your worries with kisses and gifts.

You try to lean forward to type again, but his arms hold you back. “Kei, thank you for the coffee, but I have to keep reading this report.”

“You’ve read it three times already tonight!” he whines. “The thing is 50 pages. I don’t know how your eyes haven’t fallen out of your head.”

He sends a feather to lightly touch the coozie around your coffee. Both he and the feather flinch at the contact. “At least wait until your coffee cools down,” he says. “Please? For me?”

Though the man is part bird, he can pull a very convincing puppy face. It’s true, you have gotten to the point where the lines have blurred into one massive pile of digital ink. And his plush wings and warm breath on your neck are oh so inviting.

“How did you know I’ve read it three times?” you ask softly, feeling your eyes begin to close.

“Hawks are very observant creatures,” he says. “They know when their lovebirds are tired.”

You sigh, allowing yourself to give up the ghost and slump against his collarbone. As much as you wanted to keep making revisions to the report, you knew you would force yourself into another all-nighter if you didn’t stop now. You had pulled three already this week, and Keigo had grown frustrated of going to bed alone. If you stayed up again, he would likely take matters into his own hands.

Breaks increase productivity, right?

“Okay,” you relent. “But only until my coffee cools.”

He chirps happily, sending a feather to close your laptop while he scoops you into his arms. The chirps were something you had to get used to, but once he cooed in your ear in his sleep, you couldn’t help but fall in love. He had tried so hard to hide his avain traits in the beginning of your relationship, still wary of all that the Commission had instilled in him, but with you he was free to be the man-bird hybrid his spirit longed to be--chirps, feathers, and nesting included.

You snatch your cup right before he picks you up. He brings you to the couch, where he lies down on his back and settles you against his chest, making you leave your drink on the coffee table. As you lie against him, head against his heart while his lips graze the top of your crown, his wings flutter over you and wrap in to swaddle the two of you together. Abdomen warmed by his body heat, legs tangled up in his, the throaty coos in your ear, his heartbeat slowly lulling you into peace...you knew what he was trying to do.

“I can’t sleep yet, Birdie,” you whisper, drawing a pattern with your finger on his other pec. “As much as I’d like to, this is just a little break. I can come to bed tonight if I get all my reading done.”

“You work so much,” he sighed. His Adam’s apple bobbed against the top of your head. “I think you need to relax a bit.”

“Cuddling you is relaxing,” you say, and though your voice hitched as if to continue, you left the sentence there. He already knew how hard you, being quirkless, had to work to make anything of yourself. It was hard enough to get a minimum wage job without some sort of quirk, much less get into law school, where rich prep kids with genetically-perfect powers took all the top ranks. You might have graduated top of your commoner class, but even your best strategies and most cut-throat arguments couldn’t hold a candle to those born with sharp tongues and persuasive tones. The only thing that kept you going was the fact that you could represent other quirkless clients--and, in that, maybe fight the discrimination you had grown up with.

“Lovebird.”

You turn to him, yanked out of your insecurities when you hear his soft voice utter a pet name only for you. Others might be dominating your class, but none of them were dating a certain winged hero.

“I don’t know how to make you see yourself the way I see you,” he said simply, reaching a hand through your hair. “I wish you could. God, I wish you could see how perfect you are, why I adore you so much. Why it hurts to see you pushing yourself beyond your healthy limit.”

A chord struck you. You knew your hectic lifestyle wasn’t the healthiest, but it never occurred to you that it hurt him. But, looking back, you should have known all the neglected attention and lonely nights, despite being just a room away, would affect him deeply.

He had deep abandonment issues, and he was likely reliving all of that now.

Keigo took a deep breath, running his fingers down your arm. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you. I know I can be clingy, and I’ve been trying to get better, but your schooling comes first. I don’t want to take that away from you just because I’m needy.”

“Kei,” you sigh, shifting under his wings. You turned onto your stomach, forearms on either side of his face, chest pressed against chest. He lazily wrapped his arms around your waist, lifting his wings slightly so you could move. His eyes slowly scanned your face. “You don’t have to apologize. You never bother me.”

He smiled, tucking your closer beneath his wings. “Really?”

Despite his usual sass and arrogant tone in hero work, his voice is sincere, his eyes shining. The predator in him relaxes into a more docile state.

“Really.” You smooth back his hair. “Thank you for taking care of me. Now, I believe my coffee has cooled.”

You push back the curtain of plumage and reach for your drink, rolling off of him to sit by his side. As soon as you raise the cup to your lips and take that blessed first sip, you know something is wrong.

“You got me decaf.”

Your voice is hard, scaling wildly back from the soft words you had uttered against his chest. He giggles, covering his mouth with his hands, but it doesn’t hide the red mirth coloring his skin. 

“How could you!” You whine, bouncing up and away from him. 

“You need to sleep!” he says. “You have been up all night the last few days, and I need you to sleep.”

You sniffle, blinking quickly to produce fake tears. “You traitor.”

Keigo rises to hug you, nuzzling his nose against your hair. “I’m sorry, (Y/N),” he whispers. As repulsed as you are, his hugs are too nice to refuse. “I’m only trying to take care of you.”

“I know. But next time--”

“Hmm?”

“You’re buying me regular.”

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If you enjoy what I write, please consider buying me a coffee :)