dt365-2024

[dt365-2024]

11/16/24

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I am depressed.

I feel sad. I feel helpless. I do not feel like eating.

I do not feel like journaling. I do not feel like exercising.

[dt365-2024]

Vent 11/6/24

I feel so nauseous. Sick to my stomach. It hit me later today though. When he first told me, it wasn't too bad. He said he would want to continue on with a LDR, however, even though I was open to it, he was concerned how the traveling is very taxing, especially with me and the life I have with my kids. He told me how he wants me to move with him to PHX, asked if LDR is something I would want or consider. I said yes to both, and honestly, I mean it. I love him. I would do anything to be with him. I felt hopeful.

But now I feel scared. Absolutely terrified. He is going to get this job. He is going to accept it. The first interview meant a lot to him, and the second interview, he is planning to attend it.

It's like I ate a giant rock, and it stuck in that pit in my stomach.

I cannot ask him to stay. I want him to be happy. I want him to be with his kid. He kept the door open for his wife, that option will always be there. Maybe it will work out for them. For his family. His dream. A complete family. He is getting it, and I'm afraid that I will never be sufficient enough for him.

I am afraid that LDR is not for him.

I am afraid that he will want something more convenient. I am just a mom with 4 kids in Vegas, newly divorced. I am nothing special. I do not feel special. He can find someone better than me.

I am afraid that despite all the efforts I put in, that love will not be enough. That he will leave me.

I fear of getting pregnant, then him leaving. LDR does provide some level of comfort, but I would love to have him here.

I fear of growing apart. How this love we have to reach to point where there is nothing left on his end. How he will grow out of love.

The whole reason he is with me is for love, sex, and comfort. With LD, how can I fill those needs?

I am absolutely terrified. My whole body feels it. I am scared. But it is too late, I am in it. I am in love with him. There's no going back on love. It's just there. He's in my heart, my soul. He fills every part of my being, and I will potentially lose him.

I am scared.

[dt365-2024]

I0/28/24

Day 2 Breakup:

10AM

I woke up this morning after dreaming of something very normal. I didn’t dream of him and when I woke up, for maybe one minute, I did not think of him. And then it hit me like a giant wave. I pictured my empty backyard after he picked up his things, the breakup texts, and how he blocked me from all aspects of his life. He is gone. For good. There will be no reconciliation. He wants nothing to do with me.

My heart started beating fast and my body started shaking. I felt anxious. In the book that I am reading, it says that this response is normal. My ventral part of my brain is craving for dopamine and a loving touch from him. My brain is expecting it to come, but it is not coming. The neurons in my brain are still firing and expecting dopamine fix from him. My brain needs to learn to live without it. So I need to stop any attachment. Browsing through old texts, journals, and pictures only fuels that connection I had with him.

So I know I must do the same as he has done.

I have to block him. Delete any evidence of him. Shave. But I am not ready yet. Expecting him to come back is not healthy for me. I know that he has already made a choice, and he doesn’t want to be with me. He is actively trying to get over me, and I am still stuck in the first stage.

[dt365-2024]

10/27/24

Breakup book camp Exercise 1:

10 points-write what happened between you and your ex

1. I felt very insecure and unsafe when he went to GA. It was a combination of things-the lack of communication(prior to his trip, he was playing chess a lot, ignoring my texts/call), I felt like I wasn’t getting the attention I needed. Also, his job app to AZ made me feel like he could break up with me at any time if he were to ever get the call to work there. The baby talk and his commitment to not staying here really triggered something inside of my and I broke up with him. While he was in GA.

2. Things were rocky when he came back. I apologized for my self sabotaging behavior, the feeld account and my initiation to break up. I didn’t know where we stood, and he never texted me when he came back. I didn’t know if I could come over or not. Suddenly, there was no communication and I asked he was okay… not response back. So I started getting anxious and worried that he was with someone else. His location was off, so I stopped sharing my location too. I created dating profiles to see if he was on it. Yes, very crazy and insecure behavior. I couldn’t find him, so I deleted AM right away. The next morning, he said that his phone died. I felt immediate relief and shared my location again. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, but my trust issues were through the roof.

3. I signed up to be an egg donor after I rejected being a donor and surrogate for his sister. I wasn’t clear with how I felt, and I didn’t express it in a healthy way. His job app to AZ and how rocky we have been made me feel incredibly unsafe to carry his baby. Something in me, which was most likely fear and trauma, convinced me that he would abandon me. The donation of my eggs was honestly for side money. As wrong as that may sound, that’s the truth. I didn’t tell him I submitted an application.

4. He didn’t believe what I said about my bruise, AM, or my intentions or story in general. He said I was lying and hiding things. That I was trying to meet other people. That was far from the truth. I did not meet with anyone. I did not talk to anyone. I did not open those accounts to date other people. It was literally to see if he was on there.

5. He is choosing not to trust me because of my lies and lack of honesty.

6. I suggested that he should date other people. It wasn’t because I wanted to see other people. It was because it felt like I was holding him back. I have my commitment to my job and my kids. On top of that, I am crazy insecure and I have trust issues. I am in no way shape or form ready to date. I am a terrible person to date. With a guy like him, he could find someone better. Maybe a girl he could live with in his nice apartment. Yes, it would hurt like hell, but deep down I feel like I am not worthy of love or attention.

7. I browsed anonymously when I was using those dating apps to investigate him because I was ashamed of my behavior. I didn’t want him to know what I was doing. How insecure and unstable I was. To create fake dating profiles to see if he’s on there is absolutely insane of me to do. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. Because his phone was dead.

8. He is unwilling to tolerate my behavior. He is done with me. He blocked me.

9. I did not feel safe or secure in this relationship.

10. I certainly did not feel loved or seen. He sees me as something else entirely. He thinks I am a cheater, when I am not. I have been loyal to him.

[dt365-2024]

Day 1 - post breakup midday 5pm

I cried most of the morning. Could barely eat or get out of bed. My brother called multiple times. I could not bring myself to answer. I forced myself to drink water, juice, so I could take ibuprofen for my headache and plan b. I took it without a second thought.

I thought about how he wanted to get my pregnant, how he said he wouldn’t abandon me, yet he did, and continuously abandons me, pregnant or not. He had this false reality of who I am and what I did, and he believes it to be true. He doesn’t see me for who I am. Doesn’t love me for who I am. He takes my worst qualities and magnifies so it is the only thing he see. I went to bed and cried more. I thought about Poppy. I thought about the loss of him too. How immense they both felt. To lose two people that I have deeply loved and adored. I thought about how he kicked me out of his place so coldly. Like I did not matter. How he blocked me without a second thought. Like I meant nothing to him. Like I was this horrible, terrible person he dated when that was far from the truth.

I loved him. I really did. I was loyal. This entire time. I may have insecurities deeply engrained that made me question his intentions, which is most likely my toxic quality. I should have asked him for reassurance instead of creating dating profiles to see if he was on it. Now he entirely misunderstood the whole situation. I was never on there to seek anyone else, to find someone else. It’s always been him. I’ve only wanted him. But he doesn’t see it. Doesn’t believe it. Doesn’t trust me. Chooses to not trust me. Or believe me.

Today, I thought about my hesitations with making a baby with him. In general, I did not feel safe. I did not feel secure. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because he could break up with me at any moment. Like a flip of a switch. Which essentially happened last night. I met his dad and it felt like a monumental moment in our relationship or at least for me it did. He found over ten reasons to end things with me after he went through my phone. He packed my things for me. Asked me to leave in the middle of the night. I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say. Over ten things why he didn’t want to be with me. It felt like a lost battle at that point. I couldn’t fight this battle. I could not argue, speak my piece. He wouldn’t believe it because he made that choice to end things and to not trust me. He already decided without hearing what I had to say. So I felt and let it be. I cannot fight to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Who came up with over ten reasons as to why he shouldn’t.

The egg donations was mainly for side money. I kept getting ads about it, so I decided why the hell not, and applied. My chances of getting approved were limited anyway. I thought about telling him, but I didn’t want to say anything until I got approved for it. Then we would have a discussion. In a way, I do accept fault in that. For not telling him when I applied. I don’t think it mattered. He always said it was my body, my choice. Having a baby for his sister while we were so rocky, seemed like a recipe for disaster for me. With my traumas with pregnancies already, I couldn’t risk myself being cheated on or abandoned. It was too much. Especially since I didn’t feel safe or secure in him or our relationship.

He blocked me. Like that. Without a question, without a doubt. It’s like I never knew him. Like he never knew me. How bad would it have been if I were actually pregnant? I would’ve been absolutely destroyed.

Anyway, I answered my brothers call. We talked about our break ups. I felt better. Sharing how I felt. I felt good enough to eat yogurt, shower, workout. I cleaned my car for the carpool, got myself coffee. Cried my eyes out some more until there were no more tears to shed.

It was gloomy today. My favorite weather. Looks like it’s about to rain, which is also my favorite thing in the world. I feel like poppy is all around me, giving me these signs that everything will be okay.

I opened this fortune cookie that mentioned something about honesty. It felt close to home. I was honest, and he didn’t believe me. I cannot control that.

I was true to myself and to him. I loved him immensely. Adored all his quirks and his passions. Even the dark sides. Everything.

I have loved. I have become a more honest person because of him. Yet he rejected me. Dumped me.

I’m not sure what the rest of the day will bring. Maybe I’ll continue to be sad, but I am slowly accepting the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me. How he does not love me for me. How he doesn’t trust me, and there could be more relationship without trust. How this over… for good.

So I have to force myself to keep stepping forward and have faith that everything will be okay. That I will be okay.

He was an addition to my life. A great one. A lover, a friend, a partner. He doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and I have to accept that.

[dt365-2024]

10/27/24

He blocked me on everything.

He thinks I’m a liar.

That I’m a deceiver.

That I cheated.

I did nothing of that nature.

I told the truth.

And it hurts.

I feel helpless.

I feel heartbroken.

I feel abandoned.

I showed him everything. Yet he somehow twisted everything to make it seem like I was the problem. Like I made a mistake. Like I fucked up.

When I did nothing wrong.

I did not cheat. I did not lie. I did not deceive.

I loved him and still love him through and through. Why do I love someone like this? Who believes and trusts in the story that he made up? Who does like listen or believe what I have to say?

[dt365-2024]

10/27/24

Christian ended things with me.

Over a misunderstanding.

He thinks I cheated and lied to him.

Very similar to how he ended things many times in the very beginning.

I feel abandoned.

Like I was never seen.

How I opened myself up, made myself vulnerable to be seen, however I was deeply misunderstood.

It hurts so much I cannot breathe.

To know how good it would be if he trusted, if he believed that I loved him. That I am being truthful and honest.

I told the truth, yet the outcome is still the same.

I lied about multiple AM accounts, and he dumped me. Now I tells the truth this time around and he still dumped me.

Packed all my things, told me to get out. Sent me break up texts. Made plans to block me.

Tonight was going so well. And with a flip of a switch, he ended things.

As I walked out of his apartment, without saying anything, he wouldn’t allow me to say anything, I wondered what it would feel to feel safe. To go to sleep at night with your partner without worrying about him packing your things after he went through your phone. I wonder. How it feels to be loved and understood and to be seen. Seen for who I really am. And not believe all the lies and misconceptions he tends to make about me.

Because I know I am a good and loyal and loving person. I know the worth that I give to my partner. I would be with someone like me. Although I do have trust issues and open dating profiles to see if my partner has an account, I feel like in general, I’m ok. I still have shit to work on. But I am not the cheater and deceiver he believes me to be.

Fuck. I opened up. I was vulnerable. I fell deeply in love with someone. I was committed, loyal. And still dumped.

I have to get my ass out of this car to bring his stuff outside.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I have to take plan B for sure.

Clean my car for the carpool.

Cry my eyes out before work.

Work. Oh god, work.

Throw up because relationships fucking suck.

Work out because you are the priority.

Go fuck life up bitch.

[dt365-2024]

10/22/24

True feelings, in this moment, dump.

Missouri-

The fall foliage was absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. Spending time with Lani and her family was fun. The kids had a great time. I did not like seeing Loi. Hated it actually. I tolerated for the kids. I don’t ever want to go back because of Loi. They can come to Vegas if they ever want to see the kids. It does not feel like home anymore. Although I love the slow paced lifestyle and the seasons, I really don’t want my past life with Eric lingering. I want to start fresh. It’s time for something new.

Eric introducing his girlfriend to the kids -

Eric can’t keep a relationship long and I worry about the kids getting attached, then abandoned. I think it’s too soon. I didn’t say anything because I feel like I have no control. No matter what I say, Eric will do whatever he wants. The rules don’t apply to him. They never have. So what’s to think coparenting will be any different than marriage? It felt like a lost battle to me. So I didn’t say anything. Christian thinks it’s a mess. Eric and I. It upset me. His opinion. He said I should assert myself. Fight for what makes me feel uncomfortable. He said that he believes that I for some reason feel like I don’t have a right to fight for what makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I feel undeserving of my boundaries and needs. He is right to some extent. I let steamroll over me. Christian seemed upset. So it upset me. His reaction. His opinion. I’m unclear why I’m having the reaction I’m having. He was right. His words were true. I have primary. I have a say. Yet I’m not doing anything. I stay quiet. Keep my opinions to myself because I feel like they do not matter and that they will not change anything because I have no control over anyone. Maybe I am frustrated with myself. I’m not sure. Or maybe I’m angry because the real world began to trickle in. I wished that we would just be in our little love and sex bubble forever. I didn’t want to talk about real stuff. Arizona, my divorce, his marriage, a kid. I don’t want to discuss real stuff because I’m afraid of what that reality is. What his answers will be. His reaction. His opinion. And I suppose it’s because if I open up, if I become vulnerable and open up my life entirely and we solve and work through those problems, it would hurt more if he were to leave. But at the same time, I do crave a partner who I can share real life issues with. Someone whom I can talk to. A friend. A confidant. A lover. Someone who I can say that we will work things out. Forever, enternally. I want the vulnerability. The real talks. The deep conversations. But for some reason, I am afraid of what Christian has to say. In many ways I do not feel safe. I feel like he is busy all the time. Like he doesn’t have time for me. He barely responds to my texts. Only texts me so often. It’s like once in a blue moon where he texts me a lot. If I see him the day, it’s dead silent that day. And the next and the next. I suppose I feel shut out. Like there is a wall. I feel like there’s no door. I suppose I feel lonely.

The kids

I feel like a shit mother. The whole joint custody thing makes me want to throw up. But what choice do I have. I have to give up primary. I wonder if my kids will be okay. If they will be raise ok. I chose this life for them. Multiple homes. I feel sick to my stomach. The guilt is settling in. The negative thoughts. The put downs. I feel like I am failing them.

I feel like I’m failing in all aspects of my life.

My relationship

My friendship

Motherhood

Coparenting

Being a primary parent

Being a lead

Fuck. Today sucks.

The beginning was great and I met up with Christian and had some alone time, but holy fuck, It went to shit. I do not feel good at all.

[dt365-2024]

10/15/24

I woke up this morning with a clear head. My obsessive thoughts about Christian, gone. My anxiety, gone.

But now as the afternoon has begun, I was hit with an immense amount of grief.

I thought about how I do not deserve Christian. How my mind is so unstable. How my emotions went haywire this past week. How I cannot communicate my needs or emotions in a healthy way. How unhealthy my coping mechanisms are. How unhealthy of a person I am in general. How he saw the darkest part of me, and he wants to leave. He should leave. How I played this cool, collected part, which all along, I’ve been keeping this dark, negative, jealous, self-sabotaging side of me hidden. I am not the dream girl he says I am. I am this.

I cried heavily as I was cleaning because I thought of poppy. The pain sunk in my stomach, and I was hit with this giant wave of loss and yearning. How I should be pregnant right now. How I should be growing a baby. How I should be protecting this baby. I was grieving alone. And there’s no greater pain than that. No one knows. Not even my therapist. Christian is one of the only few. But he was in that experience with me, but he must be feeling relieved. He didn’t want a child. Thought about how inconvenienced his life would be. So yeah, relief is what he must be feeling. So this grief that I hold for poppy is my own. The last time I opened up about it, he apologized for being apathetic. Apathetic. He had no emotions for how I felt. So sympathy. So empathy.

I should be happy. But how could I be happy when my baby is not inside of me. How it just died that morning. How it escaped me as I was bleeding heavily that morning on the toilet. How my body could not carry a child. My body. It did not fail but but it recognized how I was failing myself. My body could not carry it. All the pain, suffering, engraved in my body to form this unhealthy state for a child to grow. Enough was enough. That’s what my body said.

How do I live a life. A full life. A happy life when it should be with that baby. I have this feeling of survivors guilt. How I do not deserve this life. How I do not deserve Christian. I do not deserve anyone.

I’m so messed up in the head. In my emotions. I am damaged. So beyond repair. I don’t know how to fix things. I do not know where to start. I do things and I feel better for a certain period of time and then I’m back to feeling this way again. Sad, depressed, withdrawn, grief. It’s this never ending cycle. I do not deserve a partner. As much as I dream of one who could put up with me, all the work I need to do is internally.

No one can fix me but myself.

No one can make me feel better but myself

No one can be held accountable for myself.

Because I am in control of myself and my emotions.

I love and miss you so much, Poppy. I know you must be guiding me to something more. But it hurts. I would have done anything to accommodate for you. To fit you in my life.

It’s been 3 months. Since you’ve passed. 3 months. And I still grieve you.

There’s no emotion I have left, but grief. Just settled inside my bones, my gut, my head..it feels like there’s no space for anything else.

I offered to get Christian lunch, he rejected me.

He rejected me last night too.

When I felt like I needed him, he rejected me.

When I was screaming for help, he rejected me.

So here I am grieving alone. Crying alone. Sinking into this deep hole of depression.

I’ve lost sight of myself. I’ve not sight of the path I was on. I’ve diverted. Somewhere. I don’t know if it’s backward or off path, but I am drifting.

I don’t like this part of me. This dark side of me. I hate it

[dt365-2024]

10/15/24

There are a million thoughts racing through my head. My behavior and obsessive thoughts have been going haywire. I’m not sure what is wrong. It’s like I’m going crazy. I don’t know where it’s coming from where it started.

I opened a dating app. To find other women. Told Christian about it. How it was my way of detaching because it felt like he was detached and didn’t want anything serious with me. He denied this. Said I was making stuff up at that point. Maybe I was. I don’t know. But it’s been a combination of things he has said. How my kids hold him back. How he doesn’t want to be a step dad. How he doesn’t want to define our relationship. How he wants to move back to AZ. How if he had the chance or opportunity, he would work things out with his wife. How not to get my hopes up. The cycle of him ending things with me in the beginning. How he didn’t want I commit. Just everything, built up, made me assume that he did not want me in that way. And my feelings for him which was borderline excessive, should be tamed in some way. And dating another girl, with his approval, was my way of taming it. He didn’t like that idea. He said it was unfair to him. And it is true, if he does believe we are a couple and we are together, then it is unfair. But he said that he didn’t want to define that earlier tonight. So I am confused. Very confused. I told him this. How confused I was. How I didn’t know how he felt. How detached it seemed he was. How he didn’t want anything serious with me. So said I was crazy.

And holy shit maybe I am.

I cannot be in a healthy relationship. I’m fucking crazy. I’m going through an intense trauma response. From his application to AZ, from this baby talk, from the unknown and uncertainty of our future, from his neglect from playing so much chess, all just triggered my fear of abandonment. Holy fuck.

My anxiety is through the roof.

I told him it was.

I told him how I needed words of affirmations.

He didn’t give it to me until recently.

But holy fuck. Why did I need it in the first place?

I’m so obsessive. So compulsive. Absolutely insane.

If he cheats, he cheats. Fuck. I am crazy.

I do not deserve him.

He’s so calm, collected, he has his shit together. Ducks in a row. A break up will not phase him.

I was a hot mess the past couple of days. A hot mess. Holy shit. Over a GUY???

Over the fear of being abandoned by him once he choose AZ. The fear of the future, unknown, such a waste of VALUABLE time.

I could be reading. Journaling. Bloggging. Hugging my kids, watching my show,, but holy fuck no, I am worrying about some dumb shit.

As I write this now, I feel better. Relieved almost. Letting all these thoughts hang loose.

I really struggle with voicing my concerns in a healthy way. I really should blog first. Then talk.

Holy shit. I am a MESS.

I can’t believe I started a dating profile.

I’m so fucking DUMB.

I hella self sabotaged this.

I don’t know how to FiX this.

How to repair the damage that has been done.

I’m so messed up. Soooooo messed up.

[dt365-2024]

10/14/24

I used to think that you knew me before I even knew how I felt. But you never were willing to listen to how I actually felt.

It was always you, you, you.

How you were too busy.

How you were too tired.

How you had too many commitments.

How you could not give me more.

It always fell back to that.

That you could not give me more.

Whether that was commitment, or more text or call communication, what you gave me all that you could give me.

I called you my partner. But there was never a partnership.

There is as never an us.

And that stings. How 6 months of dating led to this.

You gave me kibbles along the way. Short bursts of attention and love and affection that I clung onto until the next kibble. I was weak.

I never fought for what I wanted. I tried to, but you said that’s all you could give me. So I settled for damn kibbles.

I said that the uncertainty of us was the problem. And it still is. There is no discussion about the future because you don’t want anyone to have control over your decisions. You want all the power. You don’t want feedback or opinions.

But the longer I’m in this drawn out situation ship, I’m learning about what I want.

And it certainly is this.

I want a discussion about the future. Plans. Moving in. Rebuilding a family. A home.

I want communication. I want someone that I could discuss my day with. All the challenges, the highs, the lows. I want to know my partner inside and out. Work, family, internal struggles, just everything.

I want someone I could talk to poppy about. Someone I could grieve with. A true partnership.

However, the texts and calls are so sparse. There’s no comfort, no security. He most likely will not update me about AZ.

[dt365-2024]

8/25/2024

Within a span of 4 months, I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss. I haven't experienced the growth yet. Just so much loss.

The loss of a seven year long marriage.

The loss of the "perfect" family dream.

The loss of a child.

The loss of a relationship that seemed so perfect in the moment.

I feel so broken. The loss of the child broke me. And the loss of him made me feel like I could never be repaired.

[dt365-2024]

8/23/24

My heart hurts. Really really hurts.

I went over to Christian’s place and I briefly saw his phone. He looked up Jess. And he had a text chain with Jess right before my tests. He was texting her. Recently. Even after I expressed my discomfort.

[dt365-2024]

8/7/24

My heart feels like it’s in my stomach.

I feel like throwing up.

I should have known better.

I should not have fallen as deep as I need.

I’m a lover girl, so what else can I girl do?

Except love someone so deeply and admire all of his qualities.

But holy shit, this feels worse when he admitted it months ago.

He told me not to get my hopes up.

But a lover girl like me, will hope. Even just a little. In moments where we connect, maybe even hope for a lot.

I don’t know what to do.

He wants to pursue something with his wife. But since she has no desire to, he’s with me.

I’m a second choice. Second option.

And it does not feel good. She has all the power. If she were to want to work things out, he would leave me.

I don’t want to be a second choice. I want to be someone’s first choice, as he is mine.

I suppose part of me wants to stay because I feel like I do not deserve any better than what he gives me.

If there is someone out there who loves me just as I love them, if there is someone out there who is loyal as I am to them, then later down the road when they abandon me or cheat on me, I will enter into the same rut I was in when I learned about Eric’s infidelity. To be blindsided like that… there’s no going back to the pain I experienced when learning that someone who you trusted and counted on would and could do something as heartless as that. I learn that your judgment was wrong. I don’t ever want to put myself at that risk.

I do not know what to say to Christian. I’m hurting. Like a lot. To know that I cannot offer him what he wants. I am not his wife. I am not his family. I am not her.

I am a second choice. Will always BE a second choice.

It feels like someone stabbed me in the gut and twisted it multiple times. Because damn, I was falling really deep in love with this guy.

Everything, literally everything is amazing. His intellect, values, views, passion. Our sexual chemistry. All of it. His patience, understanding. He makes me feel heard. But I realize now that I am not enough. I will never BE enough for him.

And that hurts. To not be good enough for someone to be a first choice.

[dt365-2024]

8/1/2024

We filled out the divorce forms today.

And I feel so many emotions.

Doubt.

-I got what I wanted. Primary custody, child support. The kids have been with me primarily, so it’s still the same. However, with school coming up and a new schedule, I began to doubt myself. Can I really do this? Can I balance it all? Can I do this on my own?

Regret

-regret that I didn’t do this sooner. Mason said that Eric hurts the kids sometimes when he’s angry. And when Eric hurts him, he said that he’s okay with it because he’s older now and it doesn’t hurt as much. But it hurts the other kids because they’re so little. And that made me feel so sad. To see how there’s so much damage done on Mason. That damage is irreversible. And it’s because I didn’t fight to protect him sooner.

Relief

-Relief because legally, I have the kids more. I am the primary parents. I can make decisions that are the best for the kids. The kids will have a safe and protected home with me. I am their primary home. I am no longer married to Eric.

Fear

-fear that I am on my own. Fear of the unknown. What if I fail as a mother?

Disappointment

-because Eric did not change. He relapsed. He can never be my partner in this. He’s too emotionally unstable. He will never understand the damage he has done.

[dt365-2024]

7/27/24

I suppose I’ve been in a loveless marriage for so long that I have forgotten how much of a hopeless romantic I am. I’ve been numb for so long. The pain of being cheated on by someone that you loved so fearlessly and unconditionally nearly destroyed me. I came out it, but I was desensitized and withdrawn. I numbed every emotion I had, even the good ones, just so I could continue my marriage for the kids.

I had forgotten how good it felt to love and be loved. I had forgotten until I met you.

As anxious avoidants, we had fallen in love. Two people who have been hurt, rejected, and abandoned. In those small moments where our hearts had opened up, we fell in love.

There are moments when I withdraw. Right now, you are withdrawing. Something I said or did possibly triggered you, but I do not know what I did. You will not talk to me. You are stonewalling me.

I sometimes do this too to process my emotions first. When my fears and insecurities engulf me, I sometimes avoid you so I do not project that onto our relationship. Inside you may want to leave our relationship because of the risk… the fear. It’s like a flight or fight response. You are protecting yourself from something that could really hurt you. You have grown attached to me, and now you must somehow keep those emotions at bay. So you are acting very distant.

I understand. I get it. I’ve been there and I’ve been there with you.

I am giving you the space you need, but I am not abandoning you. I love you. And I will be here. Even when there are parts of you that are so dark that you do not see me. Those parts do not see how pure my intentions are.

I do not want to hurt you. I want to love you. I want you to feel loved.

I see the best parts of you. Those small parts that open yourself up to love. And those moments are amazing. It feels like it was meant to you. Like you were meant for me. Like every choice I had made led me to this moment, to you. Those moments I hold dear to me especially when I feel so distant from you. Because that distance is only temporary.

I used to feel unloved when you acted this way. But I realize that it could be the opposite. You fell more in love. You put yourself more at risk. The risk is higher, the more you love. And now that you realize that risk again, you must counteract that with distance. You push me away the more you love me.

It is not a healthy way to love.

For a relationship to be healthy there must be safety and security. However, you see love as a risk you should avoid.

I wonder if one day you will realize that love is WORTH the risk. How those moments we share, those warm moments would be worth any pain we may experience in the future. I hope you realize that my love for you is pure and I have no intentions to hurt you. I do not want to hurt you.

I hope that one day you view yourself in the way that I view you.

You are handsome, intelligent, kind, considerate, and thoughtful. You are worthy of love.

I wish that one day you learn to accept my love for you.

[dt365-2024]

To my poppyseed.

When I found out I was pregnant, you were the size of a poppyseed. So small. So tiny. Yet you had the power to turn my life upside down. You had the power to ring chaos into my life and your father’s life. You had the power to ruin not only one, but two marriages immediately. You had the power to illicit emotions of pain and betrayal to the significant