dt365-2024

[dt365-2024]

You’ve damaged me to the point where I question myself. My worth.

I need help.

I really do.

I have to get out of this.

I cannot go back.

You asked me if I would date myself and I said no. You made me question my actions, my intentions.

I don’t want this guy. I don’t. I want you.

And I didn’t interacted with him or send a message. I didn’t have the desire to.

When all along, you’ve been waiting for Christine to come back to see her on her birthday. You kept the door open for a girl. Told her you were single. Wow. You checked her videos, her LinkedIn. Continuously messaged her during our breaks to talk shit about me and my mistakes

In reality, I should not date you.

[dt365-2024]

12/19/24

2 hours post break up

I am angry and frustrated at the effect you have on me.

If you had said you wanted to commit and be with me, I would have forgiven you in a heartbeat. Even after the mean things you’ve said about me to other people, or the assumptions you make about me, or the cheating, the lying, the infidelity. I would have turned a blind eye because I Iove you that much.

My heart continues to choose you despite it all.

I am angry that you do things to punish me over assumptions that you have. You think I want this guy. You think I want to pursue this guy.

When all I’ve ever wanted was you.

It hurts that you remember her birthday after one interaction. You could never remember mine.

Holy shit that hurts. To love someone so much, yet they stray towards someone else.

Oh god, I love you.

And it’s just there. In all of me. I cannot date. I cannot have sex with anyone. You’re a part of me. Deeply rooted. I cannot let you go. Even if we broke up.

And I ended things because you didn’t want monogamy. You didn’t want commitment because you cannot trust me. You choose not to trust me. On the love that I have for you. That’s deeply rooted in me. You did not trust me so you wanted to give yourself the liberty to pursue others.

[dt365-2024]

He said he cannot commit to monogamy.

He wants an open relationship.

Due to my browsing history.

It’s like the cycle back in June is repeating itself.

Over and over again.

We are back to square one.

To proving my worth to him.

So I ended the cycle.

I ended things.

Now it’s time to heal.

[dt365-2024]

12/18/24

The Unbearable Unknown

A lot of us live in the shadow of “what if,”

Pain comes from the failure to see things as they are

You’re holding something onto something was never for you

How we make peace with that is the journey

[dt365-2024]

12/16/24

I wish I didn’t love you.

I wish I could have spared my heart and loved someone who loved me the right way.

I wish I could have mended my heart and loved in the purest way for someone deserving of that love.

I wish I could have loved someone who made me safe and secure.

I wish I could have saved my love for someone who looked me in the eyes, said that he would protect my heart, and actually meant in.

I wish my love wasn’t so unconditional.

I wish I didn’t see the darkest sides of you and still love you.

I wish I didn’t see the best parts of you and focus all my attention on that light.

I wish I didn’t receive that treatment from you and still… love you.

So I wish so much that I didn’t love you.

I wish I didn’t cling onto the hope that you wouldn’t hurt me again.

I wish I didn’t hold onto someone that is no longer viable.

I wish I didn’t hold onto the desire that you would be any different than you have been.

God, I wish I didn’t love you, so I wouldn’t have felt the pain of betrayal all over again.

The pain, the hurt, the numbness, the denial, the bonding… until I am lost and no longer see myself anymore.

Oh, how I wish I didn’t love you.

[dt365-2024]

You messaged me after you blocked me.

Found me on Reddit. Sent me a message.

You told me not to contact you unless I was pregnant. Sent me $150 also to never contact you again.

I’m following your orders.

I suppose I am disappointment in your apology.

I don’t know how to respond because there is nothing for me to say.

You blameshifted again - told me that you retaliated cus I was detaching and you knew that to be true based on your gut. You thought I was trying to replace you.

You criticized how I acted and did not ever acknowledge your cheating behaviors.

If anything, you denied it by saying you were a serial cheater when your last text said that there was more than Jess and I’ll never know about it.

You never apologized for hurting me or betrayed me.

You apologized by how you acted that night and you regretted what was said.

But you never admitted that extent of your cheating.

You didn’t display humility or empathy.

If anything, you displayed the entitlement you had to treat me so cruelly.

You also didn’t say you love me.

You also gave me permission to date or have sex with other people. You’re probably fucking around already.

You didn’t apologize for risking my sexual health. You didn’t apologize for possibly getting me pregnant then blocking me from contacting you.

You treated me so inhumane. And it would be a disservice to myself if I were to respond back. I cannot respond back. I will just get sucked into that cycle of abuse again where he uses me as a punching bag and puts me down.

I don’t even know what to say.

Because whatever I say, doesn’t matter. It won’t matter change anything. The outcome of our relationship will remain the same. He will still be that fucked up person that he is.

Who wished ill on me. Purposely hurt me. To make me feel as low as he did when he realized he had lost me. How I gave up on us and wouldn’t admit to cheating (cus I never did cheat).

So I will leave it as it is.

I will keep those last texts you sent forever ingrained in my brain. Now I will keep that DM there too. As reasons not to go back.

How disappointing it is to realize how you weren’t the person I thought you were.

What a waste of chemistry and love.

But wow, you didn’t even mention any love for me.

That goes to show how you actually felt about me.

I hope you enjoy a long life with fuck buddies, including your uneducated ex or gas station nudist girl.

I’m going to focus on my healing and I make no apologies for what I do to heal.

[dt365-2024]

12/3/24

I feel absolutely fucking disgusted and angry.

My body shakes when I think of you, and my skin starts to crawl.

You’re a monster.

I’ve never met anyone as evil and cruel as you.

I can’t believe I wasted my time loving you and having any empathy for you.

I think I’m starting to hate you now.

I think about the mornings I came over, and how you probably had someone else’s sweat and juices on you.

I think after the nights and afternoons we would spend on Saturday, and how you probably fucked some chick on your bed right before .

I think about the amount of times your phone died, and I had the gut instinct that something was wrong, such as when you went to the casinos. I think about how you probably fucked some disgusting whore in a hotel room, and then fucked me.

I think about how I questioned and felt anxious about you so I would try to find your profile on dating apps. You would turn that against me and tell me that I was the one cheating when it whole time you were fucking around.

I think about how absolutely selfish you were. I would bring up being open after finding out about you fucking around, but noooooo, you wanted to keep me around, so you lied about commitment and you hid the fact that you weren’t playing by our rules.

You’re fucking disgusting and sick.

You are not a man.

A man would have had the morals and values to not fuck around and fuck whores on the side. A man would protect my heart and my well being.

You tried to mimic a real man on the outside by saying sweet things but it was a ruse to manipulate me into being loyal to you. Fuck you.

And anytime I tried to leave, you would demean me by saying that I would struggle finding someone to love me because I’m a mom or how you would protect me from all the scumbags in the dating pool.

Little did I know that YOU were one of them.

You’re a crazy, manipulative asshole.

Haha, your wife was right to leave you. Your daughter is right to hate you.

You’re fucking sick.

To think that you’re a father absolutely disgusts me. I was to throw up just thinking about it.

I feel so sorry for all these women you fuck to try to get pregnant. I really do. They’re probably having miscarriages like I did because you’re over here spreading STDs and STIs. I probably had BV again because you. And that’s probably why we lost the baby.

And that other family in AZ probably had an ectopic pregnancy cus you gave her an STD too. God, you’re so fucking selfish and absolutely disgusting.

My skin crawls just thinking about your fucking face.

My vagina feels like it’s on fire and it’s probably because of you. I feel absolutely fucking disgusted.

I can see it now. Who you are.

You are a narcissist who try to manipulate people into believing you’re an empathic, emotionally intelligent lawyer. You’re really not empathic. If you were, you wouldn’t have cheated.

You understand human emotions so you can manipulate women into sleeping with you.

You crave attention. What kind of sick person suggests an open marriage because his wife is giving her attention to their kid? A fucking narcissist. Just because you weren’t getting attention from you, you went off fucking every girl in sight-sugar babies, nudists, swingers.

God you’re fucking disgusting.

You thrive on all the attention that all these women give you. Well guess what buddy, I ain’t giving you shit.

I’m giving you all the hate.

Good luck with all those whores who are willing to fuck you. You have them fooled, you really do.

You will never experience a genuine and real love because you’re a fraud. Your sexual interactions will provide only short term gratification instead of long term happiness. You will never experience long term happiness because you are not a real man. You are not a man of your word.

You’re abusive, manipulative, and a cheater.

[dt365-2024]

12/2/24

I fear that I may be pregnant.

That or I have an STD.

I am spotting.

My boobs hurt. Nipples sensitive.

God… my boobs.

That’s my first sign of pregnancy.

I fear I may be sick.

I do not want to have a baby. Not with Christian. He’s cruel. So so so so cruel. To think that I would grow his seed inside of me makes me feel physically ill. Nauseous.

My body is shaking.

I think I may get a panic attack.

I’m anxious about the choices I’d have to make if I were pregnant.

I do not want him in my life.

He is abusive and cruel.

He punishes me for things that he assumes I did when in reality, they are projections of the extent of his infidelities.

I feel like I cannot breathe.

I think I may have PTSD.

Fuck.

[dt365-2024]

There’s a part of me that clings onto the idea that you loved me.

How can I possibly love someone as immensely as you?

How did you have the time to serial cheat and meet with all these women while also providing me all that attention?

Was it all those times your phone was dead?

Part of yearns for details. To piece all our history to determine when you lied. When you said you loved me, yet fucked another side piece. Part of me yearns for that information, but it is wrong for me to learn the details. Details don’t matter because what matters is that you were cruel enough to cheat. Hide it from me. Lie to me. Project all of it onto me and make me seem like I ruined the relationship. And do this not once, but many many many times. How cruel.

How you could hold me in your arms and tell me that I was the only one.. while you probably had someone else’s juice on your skin.

How you could tell me the apartment was “ours” when you had so many women there.

How you could say you would protect my heart if I had given it to you, yet you did the thing that broke my heart in the first place.

You mended my heart, then broke it again.

How… cruel.

So I have to acknowledge what you did. Your texts ruminate in my mind when I sleep and wake up.

“I fucked Jess… there was more then Jess..” over over over again.

I try to remember those moments when you said something loving or sweet to you and add that line to it. So it shifts the perspective I had of you.

And it hurts. It really does.

That was the outcome you wanted and yes, I am hurt. And it’s for unjust reasons because I did not cheat on you. I wanted and chose to be loyal to you. I mean it when I say that I love someone, being loyal to them is as easy as breathing. Loving you the right way was as easy as breathing.

I have to accept who you actually were not the person I thought you were.

I was so fooled. And played.

I did not deserve this level of deception.

To manipulate me into believing that he loved me just to keep me long enough to cheat on my sooooo many fucking times?

I think of all the moments I thought to myself that I loved you.

Such as when your skin would blush when you’d think of something embarrassing, or when your eyes would light up or dim in response to something I had said, or how protecting you seemed of my wellbeing and heart.

And then I have to force myself to believe that you were a lie. I was loving a lie. And I feel absolutely gutted. You were not someone I believed you were.

You’re so cruel.

[dt365-2024]

12/2/24

You blocked me. Maybe it is for the better. I also blocked you too. Because any emotions I feel, you don’t care. Because you never loved me.

You’re cruel. I don’t know how else to put it but that.

All the lies. The deceit. The cheating.

I did not deserve this. I did not cheat.

But cheaters never play by the rules. The rules never applied to you.

You wanted to keep me. You wanted all the cake. I don’t know why you wanted to keep me when you could have just left me for all the other girls you were seeing.

You degraded me. You called me a cheater with whorish ways. I admitted to you my faults. I gave you honesty and offered transparency. Yet you accused of many things that I did not do.

You attacked me. Verbally abused me. When I did nothing to you.

You went above and beyond when it comes to attempting to hurt me.

Sleeping with Jess two weeks after my miscarriage…

Telling me that there’s more that I never suspected…

Telling me that I hope I don’t have aids…

How I’m no longer your problem….

So, so, cruel.

It’s hard to believe that you loved me.

I want to believe it in the way that you would drop everything to do something for me.

Like pick me up from work

Or leave work early to see me

Or leave work incredibly early to be there for me during my miscarriage

Or our trip to Zion, Mt Charleston, San Diego

Or the way you would look at me sometimes and just smile

Or the fear in your eyes when you’d tell me that you didn’t want to lose me when you accepted the position in AZ

Oh, man how I was played.

But you don’t hurt people you love.

You don’t sleep around when your partner is going through something that broke her.

Or you don’t sleep around when she’s already damaged from past infidelities

Or you wouldn’t sleep around knowing that the woman you claim to love has 4 kids and can’t catch a life threatening STD

That’s not love. I cannot believe that it is love.

I’ve done nothing wrong.

I know you want me to say that I had cheated too… just to validate your wrongdoings, but I really, have not.

I’ve been loyal. Soooooo loyal.

I could never do anything to hurt you in the way. Ever.

I loved you. I think I still do.

Because even through I am hurt and feeling betrayed, my heart still loves you.

And im thankful.

I really am.

I thought after Eric, I could not love again or trust again. And I did.

I fell in love and I trusted someone with my heart.

You said you would protect it.

You didn’t.

However, I kept my part. I protected your heart, your well being to a fault.

I fell in love with the wrong person

I trusted the wrong person.

And I am grateful that although you said the truth to hurt me and spite me, I now know that I was not insecure or crazy. My feelings were valid

I know who not to date. And that’s you.

I have to steer clear over men who project like you do. Who have cheated on past partners like you do.

I worry about the future women you date.

I worry about my sexual health.

I hope all those women and fun were worth it.

I’m sure it was.

I’m sure it felt good to cheat. You always said you thought it was a turn out.

You said that you hope I lose faith in men, but this whole situation has taught me valuable lessons on how I should not have faith in men like you.

Men that display similar traits or behaviors like you.

I am one step closer to finding my person.

And I’ve learned, with a broken heart, that is not you.

All the lies. About how my schedule fits yours… how utter BS.

I fell in love with this false persona and mask you had on that you displayed as a faithful and honest man.

I fell in love with that false projection of you.

And now that your mask is off, I see you for who you are.

Someone who is cruel, selfish… someone that I cannot continue to love.

[dt365-2024]

Angry

I feel so incredibly misjudged.

He thinks I'm not being transparent and that I am a liar.

He claims that I did more than what I told him.

He thinks I'm this person that I am not.

And holy shit, he really believes it.

I am sooooo angry that I fell in love with someone who doesn't see the best in me. He takes the worst and amplifies it by throwing it wild assumptions in there.

I will admit that I did cross boundaries, but he's taking it to the extreme.

HE has done worse and I had chosen to move forward and forgive him.

Just a platonic chaton reddit during a moment of loneliness has him spiraling and thinking that I am cheating on him... that I did something unforgiveable.

UGH, I AM SOOOO MAD.

It's like he doesn't even treat me like a human being.

He kicks me when I'm already down.

Fuck man, he nearly cheated after I had a miscarriage. Like holy fuck, not even a week after I lost a baby, he was chatting up with Jess.

He broke my heart. Many times.

And this time I cannot go back. I cannot beg him back.

I already begged enough. That's it. I'm not doing it again. Because I did not CHEAT. I did not LIE. I was HONEST. I offered to be transparent by even giving him the login in formation.

But he still thinks I lied and cheated even though I provided him with honesty.

Ugh.

And to think about the things he has done during his breaks with his ex. He is probably going to meet with one of his recipients to have sex with her or he is probably going to meet with his unrequited love/ex or he is probably going to beg his wife

[dt365-2024]

Inventory

1.) Sleeping with Eric after the first date (before we made any form of commitment to one another)

2.) Lying about multiple AM accounts (after we made a commitment to one another)

3.) Browsing reddit threads after I found your thirsty comments on reddit posts. One of them invited a woman to masterbate with you. This was a few days after my miscarriage; however, you did not want to commit to loyalty at the time.

4.) Finding comfort in Kevin after you ended things completely and engaging in conversations involving sex. This was also a few days after my miscarriage. We were not together at the time.

5.) Breaking up with you after you were in Atlanta with family. Creating a Feeld account and browsing women's profiles after we had agreed to work things out. Afterwards, I created a fake tinder/AM account to see if you were on there.

6.) Creating a Feeld profile again; venting about my life struggles to strangers on Reddit during a moment of loneliness.

[dt365-2024]

Christian’s break up text.

My body wants to respond, but I don’t think it’s healthy because I’m so emotional right now. I think some space would be good to process my emotions.

Hey, I am sorry. I still think it’s best to part ways for a couple of important reasons. First, I am not enough for you. Second, you have sought relationships outside of ours more than once (first feeld, when you claimed you wanted to detach, and now on reddit, seeking connections with strangers). Third, things will only get exacerbated after I move away.

1.) I don’t think you’re not enough from me. I’ve always envisioned myself escaped with you somewhere deserted and I’ve envisioned myself being incredibly happy and content with you. You would provide a lot of physical and emotional comfort and intimacy, and that is enough for me. I think that you, as a person, minus the external struggles, is enough. More than enough actually. You’ve made me feel incredibly happy when it was just the two of us, alone together in your apt.

2.) When I started Feeld initially to browse different women, it was after you applied to AZ. I think my reaction to detach stems from the underlying fear that you will abandon me, not just physically, but emotionally too. My mind tries to protect itself by creating an emotional barrier and distraction to cope with the fear of losing you. At that moment, we didn’t talk about other would happen and if you accepted a position in AZ. We only discussed that you never saw yourself living in Vegas the rest of your life, so my reaction was intense and extremely erratic. It was not fair to you. I should have told you, but my mind does this thing where I think that you don’t love me or care about me, so I don’t seek you out to discuss my concerns when I’m on high alert like that.

Now this time around, I was extremely reactive to when I found out that you were sending invitations to other women throughout our relationship. The fear of you cheating in addition to the fear of what would happen when you left was so intense and extreme. At one point yesterday, I felt extremely alone despite the attempts you made to comfort me throughout the day. I thought about how you’ve kept the door open to your wife and how I would never be your first choice. I thought about how for the next years of my lives, I will never have you for holidays nor will I meet your family (as long as you are married). It felt extremely isolating to date a married man. And although you may be checked out of marriage emotionally, you are not checked out physically. Our personal lives cannot mesh or join until then. So I did seek people with a similar situation. I initially wanted to speak to women who were divorced and feeling an immense feeling of loneliness during the holidays, but they did not respond, so I responded to men for that connection and comfort because I didn’t want to burden you with this feeling I had because I already bugged you all day. To a certain extent, I do believe that in relationships, it is important to turn inward and communicate with each other. However, I do feel like having friends or family is important too. I should have connected with the friends I have, but I often struggle with being vulnerable in moments like those because I feel like the people who love me in my life also judge me. With strangers, there’s that absence of judgment because they do not know me, so in a way it did provide some small level of gratification because I was able to vent without judgment. And I was able to listen to someone’s experience and feel like I am not alone in this.

I believe the next step for me is to find support groups. I think in the beginning of our relationship I went through therapy and group therapy, but then after the miscarriage, I stopped. I feared of being judged or harshly criticized by getting pregnant while still separated from my husband. You were also married too. At that moment, I stopped seeking external support. I isolated myself purposefully. And I always thought that since you felt so apathetic to it, I justified that isolation by thinking that if you did not care about it, then who would care to listen?

3.) I’m not sure if you leaving would have exacerbated this. If I had found a healthy support and social circle, I feel like I would be okay. However, I will admit that I have a lot of blind trust in you. Despite all the signs or risks that I see that you may cheat, I do choose to trust you blindly because I don’t want to think of the alternative. But sometimes the fear of you cheating does consume me when I first find a risk. Anyway, I don’t know how here my mental headspace will be in 3 months. However, at this moment I’ve been feeling extremely insecure and insecurity does heed an ugly head as you’ve seen for the past week or two.

Lastly, I don’t want you to think that I’m seeking emotionally intimate relationships with other men. I was really seeking support from women, and I will admit that accepting the support from men was wrong, however my mind justified it because they were strangers and will never know anything more about me.

My detachment coping mechanisms is very unfair to you, but it is typically temporary. Even during those moments, I have no desire to cheat on you. I do believe that given both our attachment styles, I think we are a recipe for disaster unless one or the both of us take the action to become more secure. I think most of the time I do feel secure with you and I do trust you, but I do spiral into a rut when I find something that does make me question the trust I have in you.

I believe that there’s a lot that I need to work on for a relationship of any sort to work long term. Considering how erratic I have been and how consuming I have been with your time, I don’t think it would be healthy to remain together.

I just don’t want you to feel like you weren’t enough because you were. I also don’t want you to think I was opening doors to men while we were together.

The issues we have been having stem from the internal struggle and insecurity I have with you moving back permanently to AZ.

I am so sorry.

I’ll stop messaging you after this. I think I need some space to really think. I will also be with my kids.

[dt365-2024]

11/29/24

Thanksgiving was an absolute disaster.

My morning with Christian was incredible as always. The cuddles. The kisses. The love making.

It was good until he did that trickle truth thing.

He told me how two days ago (while I was upset that he had invited his ex to spend the night at his apt back in May), he was invited to sleep with another woman alone on our feeld account. He entertained the idea of her coming to his apt, and he deleted the message chains between them. Very similar to what happened with Jess.

I looked through his other messages and saw that in mid June, he invited another girl to his apt.

I had his apt keys. So Liz and now this one girl, he offered them to stay at his apt. After he had held me in his arms and told me that his apt could be “ours.” After he had told me that I had nothing to worry about when it came to women staying at his place. We were not broken up then.

He admitted to masterbating to someone’s picture on Reddit. That was around July 4th. When I was pregnant with his baby. He had broken up with me for the first time around then.

July 31st-August 19th- he was entertaining Jess. The nudist. He claimed it was just friends. Then he admitted today that there was sexual intent and intention to meet alone. He said something would have happened if they would have met up and he did plan to meet her (until I found out). He felt guilt and agreed that was cheating.

He slept with his FWB around the time when we went to Zion. Oh, and he messaged his ex about how he loved her soooooo much after Zion. And how he cannot fall in love with anyone else.

He emailed his ex a week ago about how he’s loyal now and how she has a special place in his heart. That wasn’t so bad because he did mention me.

He called Marshall gross and disgusting. After meeting him 3x.

Fuck, the list goes on, but the main thing was today. How he deleted stuff, how I can only trust his word which historically (with Jess) did not actually line up to what he actually said. How he entertained and was tempted to sleep with her alone. Literally, I have to keep this man on a leash not to fuck or masterbate to random and strange women.

Anyway, I was upset. I wanted to leave and end things. Right then and there. He didn’t let me.

He did his due diligence convincing me to stay. He really did. He fought for me. He had me hooked. I was convinced he loved me.

Then tonight I started feeling incredibly lonely. I thought about how I could never have holidays with him. How he’s married. How he’s moving back to his wife and kid. How he will never choose me. How I will never his first choice. I thought about the family I lost. The traditions I lost and I felt this wave of grieve and sadness and loneliness.

So I asked him if it was ok if I chatted with people on Reddit. People going through the same thing that I’m going through.

He didn’t respond.

So then I did. I cheated with a couple people, most of them newly divorced and going through similar emotions of loneliness and sadness. Connection is what I seeked. Friendships. Empathy.

Christian didn’t like that I did that. He said he didn’t see anything viable or long term. He deemed our relationship as a disaster waiting to happen. He’s moving to PHX in a month or two.

I do not trust him. I am detaching. I feel all my abandonment issues arising, despite my logical brain telling me LDR can work. But the reality is that my emotions are haywire because he is leaving me.

And fuck, I’m so sad. I love him I really do.

I love his kinks. His quirks. His intelligence. His passion. His drive. I loved it all.

The way his face would blush or the way his eyes would widen when he would be surprised.

I love how it took forever for him to park or how particular he was with his laundry or knives or steak.

I love his cooking. I love the connection between us.

I always thought that our love grew in the most desolate of places. I thought it was beautiful for something to have to strength to grow into love when the beginning of it was not very nourishing. We did not have a solid foundation, and I felt like we grew something viable. We grew love.

But so much has happened that made me question things. Sooooo many things.

I have to accept that I do not feel safe and secure in this. I am not happy. I am sad. I am obsessive. I am not the person that I want to be.

Part of me is disappointed that he didn’t love me enough to work through this with me. I’ve been there through it all with him. I loved his regardless of the break ups he would initiate or the harsh words he would tell me. How he would say I’m a liar and a cheater. I took it all and still loved him sooooo immensely.

Yet. Just me chatting on Reddit has him jumping the gun with ending things. When he has done things so much worse. Things that would deem him as not loyal person.

I have to nurture myself now.

And accept that this relationship is doomed to fail.

And I wonder if it’s me. My fault.

However, he is the one married and doesn’t put me as his first woman in his life. He will keep that door open to his wife forever. Next to that is Liz and that amazing connection the seemed to have. Next to that is sueann then Hannah. I am last on that list. Trash. He thinks of me as absolute trash. He will not think of me fondly.

He will think imma terrible person.

Anyway, I need to heal from this.

I do.

This is too much.

I will journal, sleep, then take active steps to move forward in my life.

[dt365-2024]

11/16/24

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I am depressed.

I feel sad. I feel helpless. I do not feel like eating.

I do not feel like journaling. I do not feel like exercising.

[dt365-2024]

Vent 11/6/24

I feel so nauseous. Sick to my stomach. It hit me later today though. When he first told me, it wasn't too bad. He said he would want to continue on with a LDR, however, even though I was open to it, he was concerned how the traveling is very taxing, especially with me and the life I have with my kids. He told me how he wants me to move with him to PHX, asked if LDR is something I would want or consider. I said yes to both, and honestly, I mean it. I love him. I would do anything to be with him. I felt hopeful.

But now I feel scared. Absolutely terrified. He is going to get this job. He is going to accept it. The first interview meant a lot to him, and the second interview, he is planning to attend it.

It's like I ate a giant rock, and it stuck in that pit in my stomach.

I cannot ask him to stay. I want him to be happy. I want him to be with his kid. He kept the door open for his wife, that option will always be there. Maybe it will work out for them. For his family. His dream. A complete family. He is getting it, and I'm afraid that I will never be sufficient enough for him.

I am afraid that LDR is not for him.

I am afraid that he will want something more convenient. I am just a mom with 4 kids in Vegas, newly divorced. I am nothing special. I do not feel special. He can find someone better than me.

I am afraid that despite all the efforts I put in, that love will not be enough. That he will leave me.

I fear of getting pregnant, then him leaving. LDR does provide some level of comfort, but I would love to have him here.

I fear of growing apart. How this love we have to reach to point where there is nothing left on his end. How he will grow out of love.

The whole reason he is with me is for love, sex, and comfort. With LD, how can I fill those needs?

I am absolutely terrified. My whole body feels it. I am scared. But it is too late, I am in it. I am in love with him. There's no going back on love. It's just there. He's in my heart, my soul. He fills every part of my being, and I will potentially lose him.

I am scared.

[dt365-2024]

I0/28/24

Day 2 Breakup:

10AM

I woke up this morning after dreaming of something very normal. I didn’t dream of him and when I woke up, for maybe one minute, I did not think of him. And then it hit me like a giant wave. I pictured my empty backyard after he picked up his things, the breakup texts, and how he blocked me from all aspects of his life. He is gone. For good. There will be no reconciliation. He wants nothing to do with me.

My heart started beating fast and my body started shaking. I felt anxious. In the book that I am reading, it says that this response is normal. My ventral part of my brain is craving for dopamine and a loving touch from him. My brain is expecting it to come, but it is not coming. The neurons in my brain are still firing and expecting dopamine fix from him. My brain needs to learn to live without it. So I need to stop any attachment. Browsing through old texts, journals, and pictures only fuels that connection I had with him.

So I know I must do the same as he has done.

I have to block him. Delete any evidence of him. Shave. But I am not ready yet. Expecting him to come back is not healthy for me. I know that he has already made a choice, and he doesn’t want to be with me. He is actively trying to get over me, and I am still stuck in the first stage.