#i was doing such good work the last two weeks but now im just
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thing i drew on one of my schools ipads instead of working on my actual art project 👍
#i hate procreate so much how does anyone use this#i feel like this is super jank in part cuz of that but Oh Well#scribbles#furry tag#help this has been in my drafts fr like two weeks now#oops#aforementioned project is allllmostttt done but also its literally the last week of school#im two whole projects behind btw 💀#to be fair this ones really far out of my comfort zone nd our teacher loves making us work on the biggest possible canvases#so its like adding even more to how long its been taking me ( i put off starting it for like a whole week cuz i couldnt come up w anything)#i can maybe probbaly just do the watercolor project at home nd the oil pastels one should be fast im pretty good w them#shes letting ppl go much smaller with it too cuz she just wants ppl to finish stuff up already XD
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I'm feeling a small victory this morning
#been trying to get a lil more in shape and started for realsies last week#and I reached a number on the scale I hadn't seen in like a year#(ok it is barely one lb below my usuals and normal fluctuations will probably get it back up but I still hadn't seen that for a year)#(and for me that's impressive on its own)#I don't want to look at the scale too much bc in the end it doesn't matter bc losing weight isn't even my real objective#and obsessing over the scale has only made things worse for me in the past#but I've been doing a bit of cardio to increase my running endurance so I can have more fun larping#and doing strength training bc I've always wanted big muscles for myself#and making sure what I eat will help the training aka more protein and fiber#and for sugar cravings I've been going toward smoothies more and gddm found some rly good low effort ones that I look forward to drinking#((ok I said I started for realsies last week but that's only the exercise part#been doing the protein thing for two now))#idk just been trying to eat healthier in general and working around my food pickiness without giving up treats#(dieting attempts have been disastrous for me in the past so prohibiting stuff and all is smthn I won't do)#been focusing on trying to find healthier options for myself and get exercise in and it probably doesn't mean anything#but im still proud of that 1 lb down#bc to me it means that something's changing in a body that has felt stagnant despite my efforts for years#and the possibility of being able to run for more than 10 seconds during larp feels feasible#idk it's a small victory for me and I think I should celebrate the small stuff too
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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i’m so grumpy recently ugh
#sigh. turning 28 isn’t getting off to a good start#accidentally clipped the bumper of a parked car while driving my in-laws’ good car#now we’re down to one working car out of four cars on our property#and bee’s mom is at the hospital for recurring chronic potassium (pretty typical for her)#which ranges anywhere from overnight to a week or two#sooooo i had to spend $60 on ub*r today#which means i’ll have to spend $150 on rides to work bc of my own fuck up#and the father-in-law’s selfishness (he didn’t drive his wife to infusion#knowing i needed a ride to work a couple hours later and to be picked up later that afternoon)#so i’m grumpy but i can’t do anything about it#my stupid car insurance is going to go up in november and i’m SO not pleased#i’m so mad at myself for such a stupid accident#i get that it’s an accident but ofc it had to happen the day after my birthday (happened on the 10th)#i’m grumpy and way too fucking broke for this#i just moved to a new place last month#not to mention i had a chronic illness flare on friday so not only did i miss work last monday bc of my stupid accident on the previous sat#but i had to miss work on friday (i only work M/W/F)#SOOOOOOO#IM HAVING A FUN TIME GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#:c#h.txt
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#delete later#i have three medical appointments in the work day in the next three weeks#one on Thursday then two mid/late January and i know that its good bc i need these appointments but i get so#anxious that ppl ay work are mad at me for having so many#im also scared about thirsdays one bc its for my ankle and hand pain and ironically the hand is way better and the ankle is also#more stable. something clicked again a couple days ago and fixed the pain in half of ky foot. no idea what happened there but#the click itself hirt like a bitch which is new. most of my pain doesnt start with a click and most clicks are painless#so fun#im just in a permanent state of being afraid i wont be taken seriously. my physio wanted a scan on my foot so om gonna#relay that but like idk what theyre gonna say. also if they do want to swnd me for a scan that's gpnna be ANOTHER appointment#so fuck me i guess. at the very leasy its not like severe psin any more so they wont send me to a and e for an x ray like they did#with my hip that one time. that would fucking suck to explain tp my manager#hey julia im fine but ive been sent ro rhe hospital for a scan so i guess ill be back when im back?#fuck me im anxious. and i hace so much apprenticeship work tp do i want to scream#also was distracted by my aching hands bc often they just ache abd successfully triggered myself so bow time to play what#is actual acge and what is remembered ache oh joy#one of the other appointments is gender clinic appointment abd im hoping to get referred for top surgery now ive been on t#for 9 months. waiting list gonna be like four fucking years but debating saving like mad abd going private bc jesus Christ#i cant bind bc of sensory problems and constantly aching ribs and last time i taped i ripped chunks of skin off so kinda#think i shouldn't do that again but like it sucks. not as bad now that my voice is dropping abd shit but still not fun#we'll see!
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omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby
#looking to register bc i havent had a hearing checkup in like. 4-5 years lol#im supposed to have repeats every 2-3 years but my old audio dept is on the other side of the country....#and my hearing loss has been stable since i was 2 yrs old so its not super urgent to keep track of..#but ive had my current hearing aids for over 6 years now i think which is the average lifespan. and they still work fine#but i really should be taking them in to adjust every six months n get new moulds fitted regularly....... oops#i do replace the tubing but yeah im way behind on maintenance#and considering i wear them like 50 hours a week n im kinda dependent on them at work i need to keep on top of it more#ALSO what i reaaaaally want is ones that have bluetooth connectivity bc when i last got mine that tech wasnt widely available#but now i think theyre nhs standard. so fingers crossed i can upgrade plsss i wanna be able to use them for phone calls n music!!!#i can make a good case for it if needed cuz i need to use headphones at work sometimes#actually might be able to get an access to work grant for bonus hearing aid equipment..... i should look into that#i was skeptical for ages bc i had a VERY old roger mic as a kid which was effectively a box on a lanyard i had to give to ppl#it was clunky as shit and had awful sound quality i gave up using it after a year or two#but now they have very sleek n subtle ones n the tech has improved so much like it filters bg noise n can connect to tvs n shit#so would be really useful in meetings or when im like. at a restaurant or somewhere w a lot of bg noise....#ahhhh itll take time to get everything sorted tho. need to start w just getting this audiology referral in place#ill swing by the gp practice after work tmr and ask for an appointment for that#need to get dressed and leave the flat.... but i dont want to 😔#in a bit....#.diaries
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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"John Donne" - a charcoal imitation of the 1622 Portrait of John Donne at the age of 49 by an unknown artist, drawn 2/26/2024
This is a purposefully rough work; I hadn't drawn a single thing in two weeks since giving up on a personal and difficult drawing I had worked on during January-February. This was done in about 30-to-40 minutes with just willow charcoal; no pencils and very minimal erasing, so somebody doesn't get the privilege of defined eyelids.
#im happy w it for the amount of effort i put in#that last thing i was drawing... oh im mad and upset like crazy again even thinking about it!!! so im not gonna talk abt!!!#im just gonna shut up about it and you should too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#2024#my drawing#visual art#john donne#charcoal#charcoal drawing#i was just gonna say the last thing was too much effort for how upset i was with it >:( but SHUT UP!!!!!!!#im so unhappy. my dad reminded me of it bc i guess he forgot i told him i quit it two weeks ago#i got super snappy w him but even thinking about it now makes me wanna cry. i've purposefully put it out of my mind#and now thinking about it again has put me in a bad mood when i wasn't before#i need to do more quick practice drawings as opposed high-effort concentrated works#cuz i gotta face it :) im just not that good at drawing :)#what a more skilled artist could do in a few hours takes me days or weeks#im more satisfied too usually w the low-effort works. i guess bc they aren't crushed under the weight of expectation#man FUCK expectations!!!!!!!!!!!#alright i gotta go im in a bad mood goodnight#bitches >:(
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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holy shit. epson salt ACTUALLY works for carpel tunnel?!?! I just tried soaking my wrists in it, not even for that long yet, and my pain almost immediately started subsiding and by the end they were mostly fine??? the most fine in days?? magic? sorcery?? science??? what the fuck this is so exciting
#cant believe it took me two years to discover this but i will happily accept this now#had a bad flare up this week and none of my usual tricks were doing much so i dragged myself out to get this#AND IT WORKS???? SO WELL??????#i could cry.#literally just used a towel to apply it for not even 20 mins i cant wait to start a good system for this now omg omg omg#and it seems to last a bit too???#will have to practice this more to know for sure#but if this lets me be productive and function in less pain even in the smallest amount and perhaps even lets me play video games sometimes#...i will be the happiest fucking person on the planet#like im not in any pain after typing these tags!!!!#HELL YEAH
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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maybe if i play y7 ill be normal <- played y7 four times this weekend, a decidedly not normal thing
#snap chats#'snap how many times can you play y7 in a week before youre tired of it' do you wanna find out together#i had a horrible night last night. ok not a WHOLLY horrible night but something trash did happen and i woke up still groggy bout it#i dont like sulking about the past but sometimes i cant help it and it aint fair to myself to act like i can help it. sometimes.#i gotta be candid just for my sake last night i got real upset with my friend because when i say she tests me She Really Does#and i hate getting angry cause then i just feel like my mom and at that point i figure itd be better if i slipped on ice and broke my spine#generally im good at controlling my temper but everything just testing me and i broke down and it was embarrassing as hell ☠️☠️#so yeah thats gonna bother me for a few days LMAO#'snap it aint that deep' it AINT and thats why its so annoyin cause i KNOW it aint that deep yet i still cant argue away how i feel#all i can do is try to ignore it... like plying y7 for the 11th time.....#i cant ply it now tho i told myself id work on a commission a bit so. maybe later...#i already started another file yesterday- or was it two days ago ???? idk i just know im up to chap 5 in it#chap 5 always give me a damn headache its so LONG at the very least the benefit to having my friend over and raising my blood pressure#is that i start to remember things to do from a y7 speedrun. like i dont hound her on what to do obvi i just let her play#its just lil notes to myself. tho she does tell me to give her tips and exploits when i can LMAO#anyways.. im gonna go work ig and try to feel like crummy bye bye#i wanna stream.. maybe i will this evening before my evening class.. lol.. we'll see but probably not
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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hi i would just like to report that getting out of my house and being a member of society is cool and kind of rules even when its scary yeah.//.
#uploads#imjustsittinghere#meeting this at work like actually went well it was really chill and cool to see everyone#like yeah i did embarrass myself trying to introduce myself wehn we all went around idk i got like really anxious halfway thru#talking and sortve just mumbled off the end of my intro but it wasnt so bad i think#at least had good chats with like two people ive only sort of met online and they were nice so : )#literally forgot how nice it was jus to be around other people and do work and stuff its cool. we all had to get new laptops#and were just hanging around the IT station waiting and chatting and i felt a littel more whole than i have been#oddly feeling restored instead of drained and feeling better than i have been the last couple weeks#no idea how long it will last but we can treasure the joy for now#ordered some books i wanted and a bunch of new yarn#plus my new hoodie is finally supposed to get here tomorrow so im pumped : )#still missing alot and a little lonely but ya know what else is new#thank u to everyone for not making fun of me for being vulnerable on my ig story i had to get it out#n truly i really just was like this is stuff i post and say on tumblr anyway why not be a lil open about my feels to my close friends#smtimes its good to be a lil vulnerable even if its scary#very much love <3 :*#oh and also jsut on==unrealted#but i hate that i look better with a fresh clean shaven face cause shaving is so annyoing lol#like i really do look way more cute and handsome i just cannot be fucked to shave more than once a week really or even that often#keep thinking like i should get laser hair removal on my face but no that is far too permenant#what if i look handsome with a beard when im older#but for now i need to toggle that shit off like a video game character i swear#anyway <3 very sleepy just finishing work have a big day of recceving packages and sewing with my friend later#kiss kiss xx
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me in 8th grade 🤝 me in 11th grade
mm arts related extracurricular is a safe space and a vaguely escapist coping mechanism <33
#realized this cinematic parallel in my life yesterday i think q deathofallsocietalnorms witnessed the revelation in real time#just me rambling again#tomorrow's an event night :]] /vpos#ah yes! my mental rest for the week! (stays after school until 9pm while technically doing work for those last 2 hours)#/g though it's very good for my brain i think and especially with where im at right now it will be. so good#god especially if im on photo i hope im on photo (im part of the tech team that documents my schools events and its very important to me)#people seem to think that being stuck in the school building for 14 hours would be like. bad for me#but god that period of staying after is so good for my brain for so many reasons i could probably make a whole post of that psychoanalysis#also wait fhdkfhjshf when i mentioned on the bus earlier to q about it being rest they made a remark like#huh your emotional regulation is literally just completely cutting yourself off for a little bit huh and i was like yeahWAITSHIT#marting blsckwood...........#literally this is just like my hyperfixation for real [martin tma and his whole deal w the lonely but also him wanting to stay in his#domain bc he actually got to be not attached at the hip to Jon and also him finding comfort in the lonely generally]#(tbf staying after like tmrw is far from solitary but the friend / two friends im with when we do these are just. brain calm to be around)
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