#i was doing such good work the last two weeks but now im just
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Hey! I'm gonna take advantage of your charity and incredible talent and ask me some Silco stuff, and I will make it very personal.
Im just a sucker for angsty fluff, so I was thinking something in the lines of reader works either in some restaurant where Silco goes or actually works in the last drop. And she's just having a rough couple of days and Silco finds out about it and just wants to help (maybe he gets frustrated because of it all, and goes all Silco, you know what I mean? Damn I'm gonna shut up now). But we all know Silco is not the most affectionate man, or at least shows it in weird (?) ways. I feel like it would be better (?) if they didn't have a relationship yet. But I'll leave it to your brilliance to do as you please, I have complete trust in your skills.
But remember, you don't have to do this if you don't feel like it of course.
Anyway, to much information already. So good luck, love your work, that brain of yours and you in general ❤️💙💛🤍
PS- do not allow me to make more requests, I will make them long, weird and I'll keep remembering more stuff to add and the next thing you know it's a full blown fic 🤣
Take All Your Sins
A/N: Thank you so much for your request, love!!! I was excited to do this one!!! This is going to be a two parter or MORE for SURE. <3 ilysm thank you again for your trust in me!!!
Summary: You work in the Last Drop and very close to Vander. What happens if Silco comes along and ruins that?
Pairing: Silco x Reader
WC: 1.4k
Warnings: Angst, sweet Silco, protective Vander, alcohol
Taglist Form | Arcane Masterlist
“If you have something else to do, I can finish those.” You come into the doorway of the kitchen, nodding toward the dishes that he’s doing.
“I got ‘em. Almost done.” The older man smiles at you.
A few years ago, Vander gave you a place to stay when he found you out on the streets and ever since then, you were basically inseparable. His kids were like your own.
“Rough night, huh?” Vander asks as you lean in the doorway, keeping an eye on the place in case more patrons came in.
The Last Drop is usually busy this time of night, especially on this day of the week. But it’s like a ghost town right now and you can’t seem to figure out why.
“Rough week.” You sigh, crossing your arms.
“Do you need a couple days off?” Vander asks, genuinely.
He always made sure you were taken care of, which you appreciate, but sometimes it feels like he does too much for others, and never lets anyone do anything for him. You’re bound to change that though. His birthday is coming up and you’ve been saving up for something special that will be from you and the kids.
“Nah, I’m-” You start but hear the door open.
“You got it?” Vander asks and you nod with a grin and turn around to greet the customer, letting the kitchen door swing shut.
“What can I get ya?” You smile at the older man, who makes you do a subtle double take.
“Whiskey. Neat, please.” He smiles.
He’s got dark hair, a partially scarred face, one blue eye and the other dark black with an orange iris that makes him look incredibly menacing. He’s wearing an open, fancy peacoat with a buttoned vest and tie. Who the hell is this guy?
His eyes rake over you as you approach the bar where he sits.
“Haven’t seen you before.” You smile, politely.
“I don’t get out much.” He takes his coat off and sits it down on the stool next to him. “I… work a lot.”
His voice is silky and you can’t help but want to hear him say more.
“What do you do?” You ask as you pour his drink.
“I own my own business.” He tells you and takes the drink when you slide it to him.
The way he says it, makes you think he doesn’t want to answer anymore questions about himself.
“What’s your name?” He asks softly.
You tell him and he takes a sip, keeping his blue eye on you. You smile softly, unsure of what to say.
“Pretty name.” He tells you, after he finishes off his drink.
You go to pour him another but he puts his hand over his drink and shakes his head.
“Thanks.” You put the bottle back down and then take the empty glass from him, sitting it in the sink. “What’s yours?”
“Silco. Do you like working here?” He asks, not missing a beat.
You nod. “Yeah, I do.”
“And you like Vander?”
You nod. “Who doesn’t?”
He chuckles, glancing around subtly. “Who doesn’t, indeed?”
“What are you doing after work?” He asks.
Oh… of course. He thinks you’re going to put out-
“I’m not trying to fuck you.” He tells you, as if he can read your mind while he stands up and puts his coat back on.
“You’re not?” You narrow your eyes at him.
“I mean, I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to, but that’s not why I asked.” He smirks.
You both stare at each other for a moment. His eyes fall to your lips before coming back up to your eyes.
“So… the real reason is?” You cross your arms.
“I think you’re beautiful and I’ve not been on a proper date in years.” Silco shrugs, placing a hand on the back of the barstool.
You go warm in the face before looking down at his slender fingers and immediately can’t help but wonder what they’d feel like inside-
“I’ll be by at 11.” He tells you, snapping your thoughts back to the present as he places a few cogs onto the bar.
“Um. Alright.” You nod, giving a kind smile.
He stares at you for another short moment before giving you a smile back and then leaving. Just as the door closes, Vander walks out and sees you staring at the door, breaking you out of the trance that Silco seemed to have put you in.
“Everything okay?” He asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.
You look up at him, smiling a little dreamily. It’s not something you’re used to. Normally, when customers ask you out, you brush them off and pay them no mind. But Silco… he managed to get you to pay attention.
“All good. Um… I have a date after work.” You go warm in the face at the word ‘date’.
It’s not like you don’t date… you do… just not consistently. The last date you went on was a year ago. It didn’t go well so you decided to just focus on work.
“With the customer that just came in? Who is he?” Vander’s eyebrows raise in surprise, knowing that you haven’t gone out with someone in a long time.
“Just… some guy.” You shrug, starting to wipe down the bar.
Vander chuckles. “Alright. Keep your secrets. I was young once, too.”
You laugh with him, your thoughts immediately going back to Silco’s unmatching eyes and the way they softened at the sight of you.
“You can go get ready if you want. I can finish here.” Vander smirks.
You roll your eyes. “Thanks. I owe you.”
“Nah. Get outta here.” He nods toward the door that leads to the upstairs.
You pat him on the shoulder as you walk past him, heading upstairs to go shower. You look at the clock and see that it reads 9:30. That should give you plenty of time to get ready. You don’t take particularly long showers.
As you turn on the water, you climb into the shower, letting the water flow over your body as you stand there for a moment before starting to wash your body and hair. You still can’t stop thinking about the older man. He had to be about Vander’s age, right? You wonder if they know each other. Perhaps after you get to know Silco a little more, you’ll introduce them.
After your shower, you dry your hair the best you can and then settle on a dress that you’d saved up forever to buy just because. What better excuse to wear it than on a date with an extremely attractive, slightly intimidating, man?
At ten til 11, you make your way back down to the bar. Vander and Benzo both let out a whistle at the sight of you.
“Don’t you clean up nice?” Vander grins.
You shrug, going warm in the face from the attention. “I guess.”
You sit up on the bar stool next to Benzo. You glance over at the door and then back at Vander.
“Do you want something to loosen your nerves?” Vander teases.
“I’m alright, thanks.” You roll your eyes, amused.
“Who’s this hot date with?” Benzo nudges you with his elbow.
You go warm in the face all over again, thinking about Silco. “Just some older guy… he’ll be here any minute.”
They accept that answer and continue their conversation from before about business stuff that you don’t really mind yourself with. You pretty much just show up and do your job and do exactly what Vander tells you to do and then go back upstairs and sleep. And then repeat.
The door opens moments later, and the three of you look up to find Silco walking in. You can’t help but give him a sweet smile. He smirks at you and pauses by the door.
“Are you ready-” He starts.
“Silco.” Vander growls.
“Hello, Vander.” Silco’s eyes fall past you to the man behind you. “Lovely establishment you have here.”
You turn to Vander, confused. “You know each other?”
“Oh yes, we do.” Silco walks toward you, wrapping an arm around your lower back, looking you up and down. “You look beautiful, darling.”
“She’s not going anywhere with you.” Vander comes around the bar and starts toward Silco but Benzo gets up quickly from the stool and stops him.
You look between Silco and Vander, still confused.
“I think that’s for her to decide.” Silco smirks up at Vander who stands almost a foot above him.
You turn to Vander, with furrowed brows. This man is the one who gave you life again, the man who is like a father to you. The man you owe your life to. If he says you shouldn’t go… then shouldn’t you listen to him?
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Friendlocke Violet Gijinkas (Part 7/7)
HOLY SHIT CHAT THE FINAL THREE WE'RE HERE WE'RE IN THE ENDGAME RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! /POS
All gijinkas linked below (in order of canon catch order) vvv
(Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six)
!! These will contain personal headcanons I have for the cast, little fun facts, and also spoilers for Friendlocke Violet (for both the edited vids and the streams) !!
@saltydkart-reblogs
Designs under the cut!
COOKIE:
If you aren't born with immortality, then there are ways to take it from those who were. However, you must make sure that you don't mess up when doing so. If you do, then you better PRAY that the other party is merciful to you… whoever Cookie messed with wasn't so merciful.
Cookie has been around for at least a century. Years ago, he was cursed to age rapidly, with the only thing that can temporarily reverse his aging being the blood of other pokemon. When Peppy found him he was only a week old, take that information with what you will.
Cookie's name came from the fact that he loved to bake before he was cursed. Now he's far to busy to pick it up as a hobby again.
Luke was the one that gave Cookie his IPad as a gift, much to the dismay of Sara. He likes to watch anything he can find on there along with Puppie (though they stuff they watch is moderated of course). Cookie has never once let go of that IPad.
Cookie is very quick to learn things, but his attention span can be a little short at times. No shame in that!
Cookie has only ever had two fears: death and fires.
DA CHEFF:
Da Cheff has his very own restaurant! However it is impossible to to go there without flying... huh.
Da Cheff can speak in multiple languages, this is good for customers who don't primarily speak english.
The horns on his head can switch between horns and wings, it depends on the day.
Most of his cooking materials was made by Da Cheff himself! Of course, only the best chef needs the best cooking utensils, and only Da Cheff knows how the best utensils should be made. He won't take anything less.
Has horrible eyesight, he needs to keep his glasses on at all times, otherwise he won't be able to see at all.
Very VERY harsh when it comes to critiquing others' cooking. So harsh to the point that everyone agrees that it's best to just let Da Cheff cook for everyone rather than vice versa. Thankfully Da Cheff is more than happy to cook for his friends!
PUPPIE:
Puppie isn't computer-savy, to say the least, however she is really good when it comes to modern phones. She even has one herself!
Wears her raincoat at all times because she doesn't like getting rainwater all over her.
It is unknown why Puppie was alone when the others found her, especially when she comes from a HUGE family of bellibolts, but she doesn't seem to be too upset over that. Or rather she just doesn't dwell too much on it. Who knows?
Her ears and tail are little lights that can float around. She likes placing her ears over her raincoat hood because "she looks like a frog!"
A fan of TONS of different celebrities, from Ariana Grande to Hatsune Miku. Ask her about any of them and you WILL be forced to listen to her ramble on about said celebrity.
Her favorite move, Zap Cannon, is exactly what it says on the tin. Yup, Puppie owns a cannon (well, its more of a rocket launcher than a cannon... but whatever) and knows how to use it. Thanks Pastey.
AND WITH THAT I'M DONE!! YEAAAAH!! If ur here then thank you so much!! I put a lot of work into these so it makes me very happy to see people enjoy my funny little gijinkas for the funny pokemon rp series lol! It genuinely means a lot to me :]
This isnt the last time im posting abt friendlocke tho haha. Be on ur toes. Be ready. /silly
#RAAAAAAAGGH ITS DONE!!!#AND BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS TOO YESS!! FINISHED BEFORE MY PERSONAL DEADLINE YAYAYAYA#Very proud of that fact!! but anyways...#Ty guys for enjoying my silly designs#It means a lot to me like fr /gen#dunno if ill make anything else this year but idk. we'll see#a knee ways TAGS!!!#cherris canvas#friendlocke#friendlocke violet#violet gijinka au#saltydkdan#cw eye contact#cw blood mention#cw death#< thanks cookie#also HIII FRIENDLOCKE SERVER I see u guys helloooo!!! :]
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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i’m so grumpy recently ugh
#sigh. turning 28 isn’t getting off to a good start#accidentally clipped the bumper of a parked car while driving my in-laws’ good car#now we’re down to one working car out of four cars on our property#and bee’s mom is at the hospital for recurring chronic potassium (pretty typical for her)#which ranges anywhere from overnight to a week or two#sooooo i had to spend $60 on ub*r today#which means i’ll have to spend $150 on rides to work bc of my own fuck up#and the father-in-law’s selfishness (he didn’t drive his wife to infusion#knowing i needed a ride to work a couple hours later and to be picked up later that afternoon)#so i’m grumpy but i can’t do anything about it#my stupid car insurance is going to go up in november and i’m SO not pleased#i’m so mad at myself for such a stupid accident#i get that it’s an accident but ofc it had to happen the day after my birthday (happened on the 10th)#i’m grumpy and way too fucking broke for this#i just moved to a new place last month#not to mention i had a chronic illness flare on friday so not only did i miss work last monday bc of my stupid accident on the previous sat#but i had to miss work on friday (i only work M/W/F)#SOOOOOOO#IM HAVING A FUN TIME GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#:c#h.txt
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omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby
#looking to register bc i havent had a hearing checkup in like. 4-5 years lol#im supposed to have repeats every 2-3 years but my old audio dept is on the other side of the country....#and my hearing loss has been stable since i was 2 yrs old so its not super urgent to keep track of..#but ive had my current hearing aids for over 6 years now i think which is the average lifespan. and they still work fine#but i really should be taking them in to adjust every six months n get new moulds fitted regularly....... oops#i do replace the tubing but yeah im way behind on maintenance#and considering i wear them like 50 hours a week n im kinda dependent on them at work i need to keep on top of it more#ALSO what i reaaaaally want is ones that have bluetooth connectivity bc when i last got mine that tech wasnt widely available#but now i think theyre nhs standard. so fingers crossed i can upgrade plsss i wanna be able to use them for phone calls n music!!!#i can make a good case for it if needed cuz i need to use headphones at work sometimes#actually might be able to get an access to work grant for bonus hearing aid equipment..... i should look into that#i was skeptical for ages bc i had a VERY old roger mic as a kid which was effectively a box on a lanyard i had to give to ppl#it was clunky as shit and had awful sound quality i gave up using it after a year or two#but now they have very sleek n subtle ones n the tech has improved so much like it filters bg noise n can connect to tvs n shit#so would be really useful in meetings or when im like. at a restaurant or somewhere w a lot of bg noise....#ahhhh itll take time to get everything sorted tho. need to start w just getting this audiology referral in place#ill swing by the gp practice after work tmr and ask for an appointment for that#need to get dressed and leave the flat.... but i dont want to 😔#in a bit....#.diaries
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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"John Donne" - a charcoal imitation of the 1622 Portrait of John Donne at the age of 49 by an unknown artist, drawn 2/26/2024
This is a purposefully rough work; I hadn't drawn a single thing in two weeks since giving up on a personal and difficult drawing I had worked on during January-February. This was done in about 30-to-40 minutes with just willow charcoal; no pencils and very minimal erasing, so somebody doesn't get the privilege of defined eyelids.
#im happy w it for the amount of effort i put in#that last thing i was drawing... oh im mad and upset like crazy again even thinking about it!!! so im not gonna talk abt!!!#im just gonna shut up about it and you should too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#2024#my drawing#visual art#john donne#charcoal#charcoal drawing#i was just gonna say the last thing was too much effort for how upset i was with it >:( but SHUT UP!!!!!!!#im so unhappy. my dad reminded me of it bc i guess he forgot i told him i quit it two weeks ago#i got super snappy w him but even thinking about it now makes me wanna cry. i've purposefully put it out of my mind#and now thinking about it again has put me in a bad mood when i wasn't before#i need to do more quick practice drawings as opposed high-effort concentrated works#cuz i gotta face it :) im just not that good at drawing :)#what a more skilled artist could do in a few hours takes me days or weeks#im more satisfied too usually w the low-effort works. i guess bc they aren't crushed under the weight of expectation#man FUCK expectations!!!!!!!!!!!#alright i gotta go im in a bad mood goodnight#bitches >:(
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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holy shit. epson salt ACTUALLY works for carpel tunnel?!?! I just tried soaking my wrists in it, not even for that long yet, and my pain almost immediately started subsiding and by the end they were mostly fine??? the most fine in days?? magic? sorcery?? science??? what the fuck this is so exciting
#cant believe it took me two years to discover this but i will happily accept this now#had a bad flare up this week and none of my usual tricks were doing much so i dragged myself out to get this#AND IT WORKS???? SO WELL??????#i could cry.#literally just used a towel to apply it for not even 20 mins i cant wait to start a good system for this now omg omg omg#and it seems to last a bit too???#will have to practice this more to know for sure#but if this lets me be productive and function in less pain even in the smallest amount and perhaps even lets me play video games sometimes#...i will be the happiest fucking person on the planet#like im not in any pain after typing these tags!!!!#HELL YEAH
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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hi i would just like to report that getting out of my house and being a member of society is cool and kind of rules even when its scary yeah.//.
#uploads#imjustsittinghere#meeting this at work like actually went well it was really chill and cool to see everyone#like yeah i did embarrass myself trying to introduce myself wehn we all went around idk i got like really anxious halfway thru#talking and sortve just mumbled off the end of my intro but it wasnt so bad i think#at least had good chats with like two people ive only sort of met online and they were nice so : )#literally forgot how nice it was jus to be around other people and do work and stuff its cool. we all had to get new laptops#and were just hanging around the IT station waiting and chatting and i felt a littel more whole than i have been#oddly feeling restored instead of drained and feeling better than i have been the last couple weeks#no idea how long it will last but we can treasure the joy for now#ordered some books i wanted and a bunch of new yarn#plus my new hoodie is finally supposed to get here tomorrow so im pumped : )#still missing alot and a little lonely but ya know what else is new#thank u to everyone for not making fun of me for being vulnerable on my ig story i had to get it out#n truly i really just was like this is stuff i post and say on tumblr anyway why not be a lil open about my feels to my close friends#smtimes its good to be a lil vulnerable even if its scary#very much love <3 :*#oh and also jsut on==unrealted#but i hate that i look better with a fresh clean shaven face cause shaving is so annyoing lol#like i really do look way more cute and handsome i just cannot be fucked to shave more than once a week really or even that often#keep thinking like i should get laser hair removal on my face but no that is far too permenant#what if i look handsome with a beard when im older#but for now i need to toggle that shit off like a video game character i swear#anyway <3 very sleepy just finishing work have a big day of recceving packages and sewing with my friend later#kiss kiss xx
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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and with that i do believe that my run with interstellar in imax has come to an end.
#check out the stats: 4 shows in 7 days. two shows within less than 24 hours of each other#one show that made me drive three hours through the city I hate to get to the imax#tbf I didn’t know that it was coming to my town because the original weekend it was not here#so I had to make the drive. then! I found out my local imax was going to show it so I went three more times lol#truthfully I feel good about it. I could go again tomorrow night at 10pm but I think while I was watching it today#idk something just came over me and I thought ya know what? this is it. this is my last time seeing it in imax#I came to peace with it and im okay with it. it was beautiful to witness. it really helped when i had contacts in instead of glasses#I think we worked through a lot of feelings while watching these four shows. I think we learned a lot about myself too#definitely found some answers we were looking for. definitely opened up some other wounds too but that’s okay#I got to enjoy movies again and really be immersed in cinema so that was a great experience#plus all of this with a movie I already loved so now! it’s boosted my life exponentially#idk how to make an interstellar url which is why we went with rust but like. dammit I owe you my life interstellar#god what a beautiful film. I’ve seen so many bad takes about it too and it’s not like im blinded by my love for it#that I think the takes are bad. no it’s genuinely shit like ‘oh what do you mean they couldn’t figure out how to grow more than just corn?’#like homie you obviously were not paying attention! the earth is dying! (real) and corn is quite literally the only thing left!!!#they have to leave if humanity is going to survive!!!!#anyway. like I said. beautiful film really enjoyed this past week of getting to see AND experience it.#watching it on blu ray now will never be the same#thank you everyone who followed along on this journey and thank you mr McConaughey for giving me your accent for the week#okay last two things: a) im gonna go back and tag all my stuff so I can look back on this time with joy and whimsy#second: here’s my definitive ranking of my viewings of the movie:#first had to be the first time i saw it. nothing is topping that absolutely nothing. experiencing that for the first time and road tripping?#like come on that’s dedication to the art right there. second would be today. feeling at peace knowing it was going to be my last show#and really getting to soak it all in. absolutely. plus I had contacts in so I could see everything lol.#third was yesterday bc yeah I finally got to see everything (again. finally had contacts in) but the audience did make it a little tough#usually im game for a big movie with an audience but there were too many distractions really pulling me out of the experience#last was probably Friday. even though I was jazzed to see it again bc that was the first show in my town there was a kid vaping two seats#away from me and that gave me a headache. plus I had glasses on so again. can’t see part of it bc the frames of said glasses.#thank you to everyone who followed along on this journey! apparently there is a 30 tag limit so last tag:#shelby watches interstellar
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/meds talk, mental health as well ig, uhhhhhh
#kats personal#talked to the gp today (that works alongside the psych) and super long story short#she said the best course of action would be to just stop taking vyvanse for 2-3 weeks#primarily bc shes concerned about my shortness of breath (which i feel like im so used to i dont notice it unless its super bad#or someone asks me about why i keep taking deep breaths)#but also (tbh idk if she implied this or not) to see how its affecting my energy/mood? bc uve been exhausted the last month#and part of thr struggle is not knowing what symptoms are being caused by what bc there was and is so much goijg on all at once#obvs i didnt plan for it all to happen at the same time but it just. worked out that way unfortunstely.#BUT vyvanse shouldnt ??? make my mood and energy drop as early as it does??? and my first month and a but on it i felt Good tbh#(re: energy and sociability) but now i just 🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️#and then yeah okay my sleeps fcked as well so THAT doesnt help at all#and my diet and weight post-op is ugh#and then the additional stress of thr family stuff#anyways what i set out to say was idk how im gonna. manage uni and family if going off meds actually causes a crazy crash#like im lowkey scared that the only reason im even managing to do the bare min these days is because of tje meds giving me a lil boost#but anyways guess we'll find out#but i have so much shut to do these next two weeks that i just 🫠
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incredibly long day at work n they keep giving me far too much to do n then fucking w my schedule short notice and also I'm annoyed at a friend for smth thats kind of irrational but whatever its still pissing me off a little and it's 27c outside and I'm so sweaty ARGH
#3 ppl tried to schedule 4 things simultaneously for thursday morning... babe theres only one of me. fight it out w my boss#realistically i can only do one project in thr morning and one in the afternoon unless its smth rly short n tight#but a lot of things take a fixed amt of hours to complete n i cant multitask them so u cant quadruple book me 😭#generally my manager is good at managing me but bc its the last week of the quarter everythings pure chaos#while ppl try to cram in the last few things to hit quarterly goals#well at least i didnt do unpaid overtime today just what i agreed to. and im home now so work doesnt exist anymore#gonna rinse n change n head out w the parkour lot for an hour or two n hopefully thatll improve my mood :-)#gonna take it easy tho cuz i wanna be fresh for the gym on thurs#ahhh.. god i have no heat tolerance whatsoever i hope the summer weather ends soon#.diaries
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