#i was doing such good work the last two weeks but now im just
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nerdjo x reader ⟢ real man

"... did you know that a quasar emits more energy in a second than our sun will in its entire lifetime?"
"uh... sure?"
༄.° pairing . nerd! gojo x popular! reader (f)
⤷ summary . a low grade lands you a tutor session with the nerdiest boy at your university with the help of the best wingman, your professor, who knows that gojo is your only way of improving that 59.6% in your physics class. your annoyance soon turns into admiration and maybe something else as you find yourself enjoying the late night study sessions. but what happens when the physic sessions turn into sex education?
warning ⓘ tags . (18+), porn with plot me thinks, smut, gojo will give you second hand embarrassment bless his soul, protected sex that will lead to unprotected, masturbation, praise kink, oral, p in v, cream pie. sub gojo heh. jealous gojo. perv gojo. obsessive gojo.
⤷ wc . 4k (not proofread)
a/n . this is my first actual attempt to writing good smut. never got the hang of it so hopefully this turns out good. the 59.6% is specific because that is MY current grade and I might just kms if nerdjo doesn't help me out.
a/n . 2 I enjoyed writing the friendship buildup more than the actual smut :p

waking up to an email sent by your physics professor was not the best way to start off the day.
"you've got to be kidding me.." you grumbled, with your morning voice attempting to read the title of the email as your blurry eyes adjusted to the bright screen of your phone. you weren't surprised when the subject was that you are being assigned a tutor. you were aware of your current grade, but you swore you would be able to raise it up. right after partying.
your roommate, and long term friend, peaks over your shoulder as she buttoned up her pants. "yikes, I'm surprised he hasn't admitted you to a tutor earlier, haven't you had the same grade for a while now?"
you sighed knowing she was right. your grade hasn't gone up even a percentage for the past two weeks.
'meet me in class before it begins today, perhaps 10 minutes before, ill be introducing you to your tutor and we'll discuss how things will work.'
and that's how you found yourself standing in front of your teachers desk awkwardly. "he'll be here soon, he's very punctual."
you nodded in acknowledgment. you wanted to play it safe and come a few minutes earlier than the given time written on the email. '10 minutes before class'. the said class begins at 9:40. it is currently 9:28.
he was punctual alright. the moment it struck the half hour, the door swung open to reveal a tall boy- no, a really tall boy. he had white hair and blinding blue eyes behind dorky glasses. despite his nerdy look, the boy had a few facial piercings. one on his eyebrow and his lip.
that's hot.
"satoru! come in, come" your professor gestured the boy to be next to you. satoru offered a small, shy wave, which you responded with a warm smile.
"so as we all know, y/n isn't doing so well in this class." you cringed feeling your face heat up. being exposed in front of someone as smart as satoru was the ultimate humiliation.
"here's what's going to happen. there is an upcoming review test before the final. you pass that and im 99.9 percent sure that you will pass the final with enough studying. I'll leave satoru to decide how the tutoring will work, but I expect you both to meet up at least four times a week."
four times a week? four times? a week. great.
session 1.
you dragged your body into the library with your tote bag full of textbooks and practice worksheets. the library was fairly crowded with students studying for upcoming exams. you being one of them.
making your way deeper into the study area, your eyes landed on gojo who was setting up the table with his headphones plugged in. you approached him but he didn't notice you.
"satoru..?"
no answer. he was in a completely different world with the way he was humming a tune which only brought you to your last resort.
you poked his shoulder lightly which caused him to jump a little, looking over his shoulder to meet eyes with you.
"oh! hi uhm im sorry..! I didn't notice you I was just uh setting up the table. is this place okay with you? we can always pick somewhere else if your uncomfortable with being way too-"
"no no its fine with me." you interrupted his babbling which you found endearing.
"right." he chuckled before sitting down which you followed.
"alright so what exactly are you struggling with?" he asked.
what are you struggling with? "everything" you answered honestly looking at the organized textbooks- all related to physics and.. digimon?
"so.. we can start off with the basics of fundamentals of motion. such as speed and distance and maybe add in some kinematic equations. you are familiar with newtons law, right?"
you nodded as you recalled to the only thing you remembered from this god awful class.
"okay so we can skip that.. but ill still explain a little bit of it towards the end, just to make sure."
that's how you spent your first session with the boy. he's amazing at explaining, learning more from him than any past lectures. the way he is so into it you can't help but space out at the way his lips move.
"for the equations, there are a few of them, ill give you three examples then write one of each so you can practice."
your eyes fixated at the way he neatly wrote down the letters.
"so uhm.. do I multiply or-"
"you subtract this from both sides."
"got it."
this was definitely going to take a while if you couldn't even handle the basics. you handed him back the sheet where you attempted the problems.
"seems like you have a bit of difficulty deriving the equations."
you sighed. how long has it been? forty minutes? and hour?
checking your phone you were surprised to see that only 15 minutes have passed?
'just kill me at this point' you thought.
"hey hey, no phones. can't have you getting distracted, hand it over"
"I was just checking the time! don't take it away pleaseee" you begged.
"you'll be tempted to check the time every five seconds, just hand it over." you reluctantly placed it in his hand. his fingers brushed against yours and you were surprised to see how soft his were.
"lets try again. this time ill watch you solve them so I can see where you start to go wrong."
2 hours have gone by and you finally grasped how to solve the equations involving motion and acceleration.
"good job!" the praise boosted up your confidence. "only took ya thirty practice problems but you got there." he teased as he adjusted his glasses. "thanks satoru." you rolled your eyes at him.
the way you said his name went straight into his head. both of them actually.
"we should wrap it up for today"
he reached into his bag pulling out a few sheets before sliding them to you. "try and finish these by wednesday, which will be our next session. oh-" the pale boy reached for his examples. "use these for reference if you forget again."
accepting the papers, you placed them in your folder before tucking it back into your bag. "thank you, I know i'm not the easiest to teach."
"non sense. you're the first person i've tutored to actually have motivation to learn."
"you've tutored others?" you tilted your head.
"course I have. anyways, study what we've gone over today. here's my phone number-"
"youre going to have to give me back my phone in order for that" you chuckled. it felt like satorus world paused for a second as he saw your smile.
"uh right.. sorry"
it felt great to have your beautiful cellular device in the comfort of your hands.
"I usually ignore my messages.. can I give you my instagram instead?" you asked.
satoru was a bit disappointed to not be able to have your phone number, but your insta was just as good. that way he'd be able to see pictures of you.
you both exchanged users, you with your whopping 2.3k followers and him with his 40. 41 including you.
he noticed that out of the 2.3k people that follow you, you only follow around 90. he felt honored that he would be one of the lucky ones to be blessed with your follow.
"great!" satoru couldn't help the dorky grin that crept up on his face. "text me if you have any issues with the work, mkay?"
multiple sessions have passed.
you felt yourself warm up with the boy, learning more about him and his nerdy interests and the upcoming 'name as many digimon characters as you can' contest that he's pumped for explained the character book you'd see every time you met up at the library.
which you both eventually ditched after accidentally catching a couple doing... activities one shouldn't be doing in a quiet environment.
satoru couldn't help but wish that was you and him.
you both settled for a nearby cafe where he always paid for your drinks and sugary treat which he's memorized by now.
"we should go over the vocabulary today" his fingers skimmed through several papers before pulling one out that had the key to all the words you had to remember.
you were progressing and you felt confident for the review and final which were both in three months.
"here write down the words on a separate sheet and try to answer them to see which you know and which you don't."
outside of your tutor sessions, you began saying hi to each other in the hallways, exchanging small smiles in class, and late night texts.
satoru [ 10: 37 PM]
-you complete the worksheets?
you [ 10: 40 PM]
-hi! I just need to finish up the last one then im all done
satoru [ 10: 41 PM]
-thats good, mind sending me what you've done?
you [ 10 : 45 PM]
[image attached]
-im actually at a party right now..
that led to a scolding from him the next day. he couldn't care less actually no matter how many times he said to restrain yourself from partying for now because of your studies. in reality, he just didn't want any boy to see you wearing whatever revealing outfit you decided to put on.
satoru would be lying that he wouldn't feel the way his inexperienced cock would harden whenever he would see the way your skirt would ride up your thighs as you sat so prettily in front of him.
you were completely unaware of how much you affected the poor boy.
"so how'd the contest go?"
"I won obviously. named all 1400 of em." he put his hands up in victory.
you laughed at how cute you found it. him being proud over beating a bunch of kids?
"what was the price?"
"a limited edition card. super rare by the way, you have like one in a thousand chance of getting it. here! I have it on me actually."
he pulled out a card that resembled Pokemon cards which he would get annoyed when you got the two of them mixed up.
"this is the ghost bt1 diamond. you can pick one out of any Digimon of your opponent or you can delete all the Digimon if they share a name with it."
his eyes lit up whenever he talked about his interests. and you loved that about him.
"sounds cool, how much is it worth?"
"hmm I think like 300 at most."
"yeah well I remember my brother has a Pokemon card that's worth 78 grand."
"do your damn work."
as you prepared to leave, he stopped you.
"here."
he handed you the digimon card making your eyes widen.
"you're giving it to me?"
"mhm, just remembered I already have a similar card that does the exact same as this one. no need for me to have it. besides I think it would look great on your phone case."
now, whenever he takes away your phone for your study time, he can't help but smile when he looked at the card neatly placed inside the clear case with a few stickers around it.
he’d find himself late at night in the comfort of his own dorm, with his hand hesitantly palming his growing bulge at the sight of your story. the picture was of you smiling cutely at the cafe you both went at. a picture he took.
you looked gorgeous. you are gorgeous.
he doesn't remember the last time he's jerked off. maybe once in high school when his favorite cosplayer dressed up as a beloved female character of his?
pulling out his needy length, he imagined it was you. a finger grazed upon his tip smearing the pre-cum a bit as he let out a few whimpers. would you hate him if you saw him like this? all horny and pent up because of your post? or would you help him?
no matter how much he stroked himself, he just couldn't finish. he needed you.
his eyes skimmed through various websites to help his situation out.
‘how to have the best orgasm in your life’
‘best stroking methods’
‘how the female anatomy works and how to pleasure it’
‘man finishes threehu-‘
wait what was that? he scrolls back up a bit clicking on the female anatomy one. he was met with several images. diagrams showing where the most pleasurable part was for a woman.
gojo hasn’t done this much studying since his calculus exam back in elementary. who the hell let’s a seven year old solve that shit?!
by the end of the day, his brain is now stuffed with knowledge on how to pleasure you. still zero clue on how he’s ever going to bust.
2 days.
2 days until you review test and you were.. stressed to say the least. thankfully you have gone over everything from the semester and gojo made sure that you were well prepared even offering to make you a cheat sheet, allowed by the professor, to help you out during the test just in case.
"toru."
fuck. when did you begin calling him that nickname? it made gojo feel lightheaded to the point where he had to grip the end of his chair as you approached him.
"hey I was wondering if we could study at my place tonight?" you asked sweetly.
“your place..? like, where you live?”
“I hope so?” you giggled.
“y-yeah i guess but why?”
you took a seat next to him placing your bag next to your feet on the floor.
“walked past the cafe and saw that it was closed due to some renovations”
“god i hope it’s the bathroom sink. that thing sprayed me”
you both laugh at the memory of him coming out the bathroom with his hair sticking to his forehead and clothes dampened. that was the first time you’ve seen him without his glasses.
you preferred him with them on.
but you couldn’t deny that either way he still looked so handsome especially when he rolled up his now wet sleeves of his black sweater revealing veins that adorned his arms.
“I hope so. anyways I’ll text you the address later.. or actually, we can walk together if you’d like?” you offered and who was he to decline?
“sure sweetheart.”
gojo recently picked up the habit of calling you sweet names which never failed in making your stomach leap in happiness. where’s he get the sudden habit?
‘how to fluster a girl.com’
god knows where.
your house wasn’t far from the campus since you’ve been planning on attending this university ever since you were a kid due to living 20 minutes away at a walking distance.
“my parents are away at a trip so we’ll have the house to ourselves”
fuck yeah.
“they doing a business trip or..?”
“it’s their anniversary. they flew out to france and didn’t even bother inviting me” you rolled your eyes playfully making the pierced boy laugh. he recently switched out his lip piercing after his last one fell off while drinking his coffee.
he took in your house as you arrived. looking at the memories plastered on the walls. this is where you grew up..
“want anything eat?”
you.
he shook his head. “I’m alright, I ate something not long ago.” you hummed while walking upstairs, him trailing behind just to get a glimpse up your skirt seeing the pink laced panties that made him let out a low groan. his pants were uncomfortable by the time you reached your room. it was a warm environment, posters on the walls, stuffed animals on the bed. the bed he would love to fuck you in.
“s’cute” he complimented placing his bag down before he stretched out his lanky body on your bed.
his sweater slipped up a bit revealing his v line as well as his white happy trail. your breath hitched as your eyes trailed down the patch of hair before landing on the raging boner that he had. no way.
was he hard?
despite having past experience yourself, no one has ever made you finish.
gojo propped himself on both his arms. “let’s just review what I taught you at the beginning first to freshen up your memory.” you barely took in anything he said as you approached the bed as well sitting down next to him before you felt bold. you shifted sitting down on his lap instead.
satoru let out a gasp before moaning. his hands found your hips immediately. “fuck.. what are you-“ he was cut off by your subtle grinding.
“we shouldn’t..” your heart sank a bit. “you don’t want this..? I’m just trying to help you toru.”
“I know baby but I haven’t.. well I’m.. I’ve never done t-this before, god..” he mumbled embarrassed. oh so that’s what this is. he’s a virgin. “I don’t mind.. let me help you”
“please-“
“shh..” you tugged at his jeans bringing down to his knees. “You’ve never done this before?” you asked letting your acrylics tease him through his digimon boxers.
“no.. no please fuck..”
his cute whimpers went straight to your heat as you finally tugged down his boxers only to be met with the biggest cock you’ve seen. it slapped his stomach the second it was released. he was thick. the pretty pink tip was slowly turning an angry red color as he panted.
you wrapped your hand around him stroking up and down his base watching him twitch. while keeping eye contact, you let some spit fall down his cock making him moan as you used your drool as lube. his hips bucked up as he felt the warmth of your mouth around him.
“t-that’s it..”
for the first time, your lips met in a sweet and needy kiss, your hand still working wonders on him. he placed a shaking hand on your ass cupping it making sure not to break the heated kiss.
“can.. can you ride me?” the way he asked shyly made you want to ruin him even more. you nodded watching him pull off his sweater. now by all means you had zero clue that this man was built as if god made him with his own hands. you did the same, quickly undressing before he stopped you.
“please.. please keep the panties on”
“you like em?”
“fucking love them.”
after carefully placing a condom you found in your drawer on him, you guided his tip to grind just right against you. “lift up your hips a bit toru.. just move them.. back.. and forth.. good job love”
the praise didn’t help Gojos situation at all. “keep praising me..” at this point his glasses were all fogged up. your finger hooked into your panties slipping them to the side so you could slip his cock in.
“so big..” you cood
“oh god, you’re right.. fuckkk baby wait.. wait wait” he moaned filling up the room with lewd noises. the plap, plap, plap echoed. large hands found your waist helping you ride him at a quick pace.
“shit.. you’re better than I imagined.” he groaned out biting your neck sweetly. “you’ve imagined.. this? ngh!” you were surprised to see him pick up the pace. “all the time.”
gojo thought back to the website he visited frequently. his finger found your clit circling it before rubbing it repeatedly. you head fell on his shoulder as you began to shake from overstimulation. “Toru..!”
“this is where you’re weak, right? most girls have an orgasm immediately after teasing the clit”
“ngh.. nerd..!”
“so sensitive”
the raspiness in his voice was enough to make you finish. for the first time ever. gojos hips stuttered as he pulled out watching your juices spill out. he brought his fingers to his mouth tasting you. “you taste good babe”
panting, you removed the condom from his still hard length before slipping him back in.
he wasn’t even half way in before ropes of cum went inside you making gojo close his eyes letting tears of being overstimulated fall down his pretty flushed cheeks.
“be my girl..”
four things happened that day.
you came for the first time
you took away gojos virginity
you were both now dating
you didn’t study at all
but the cheat sheet did help you out a bit. after finishing up the last question, gojo walked over to the teachers desk placing it on top of it. he was the first one out of everyone to finish, like always. he looked up to where you were seated.
there you were, more focused than ever biting your nail as you answered the equations as if it was muscle memory. he was proud, smiling to himself before leaving the classroom.
toru ! [ 7: 45 AM ]
-results are in today 👀
you [ 7:46 AM]
-im nervous… i think i failed it bro im so scared toru
toru ! [ 7: 48 AM]
-I doubt that sweetheart
and he was right because the second you received back your paper with a beautiful 92% written on top of it you felt like you were in heaven. you ran towards gojo wrapping your arms around him excitedly.
“I did it! look!” you showed him your paper.
“told you. good job am proud of ya” he grinned as he once again felt his cock throb at the way you were squeezing him. “what’d you get?”
“100%”
“show off.”
he barked out a laugh before placing his hands on your hips. “we should celebrate.” he suggested. “with cake?” he hummed tucking a strand of loose hair behind your ear before letting his thumb rub on your cheek affectionately. “sure pretty.”
#jjk#gojo satoru#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen#smut#gojo smut#jjk gojo#nerd gojo#nerdjo#college au#gojo x y/n#jujutsu gojo#gojo fluff#gojo x reader#gojo jjk#gojou satoru x reader#satoru gojo#gojo saturo#gojo x you#freaky
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Where's that one Ford art post thats like I'm in the best years of my life clutching a hot pink thermos thingy with hot gurl juice when he's clearly not. cause damn . Yeah
#ive got it actually downloaded on my phone. so dont actually need it forwarded to me. but also#christ man what day. what a life. what am i doing man. im so exhausted. trying to figure out my masters. which like. UGH first pushed to#do things and then im like oh okay yeah makes sense ill do it and then suddenly people are like a YEAR LATER wait what do u actually want.#like. idk man i do enjoy what im doing and enjoying myself. but also fuck im tired. but also i would be excited to do further work on what#im doing. like. i get my aunt dying recently has suddenly all my other aunts reassesing their lives but its just like. yeah and now suddenly#youre reluctant about the shit youve pushed on me huh#and CHRIST the stress of figuring how the dynamics work since everythings changed up here and ive gotta move AGAIN#and the oma needing to be medivac'd out today like fuck man. and then i fucking went to craft night and started weavibg a basket#like. what the fuck man. and then finished two typesets.#ughhhhhh. and was like damn i needed to make those hours for work today but whatever i guess. tomorrow it is#me w my sad little micky of liquor and my laptop for typesetting and antique roadshow on in the background trying to relax#omas probably fine but CHRIST last i was in they were like shes fucking dying. okay wait shes a little better no one else is in can u#look after her. horribly stressful#yeah. sure. prime of my life. to stress out about everything.#hugin personal#had a breif moment sitting on my bed where everything dropped away and i was like damn what the fuck am i doing. what is going on.#how am i still moving. anyways. i think i need a vacation#its fine its just been a long few months and things keep piling up and im supposed to be making importnat life decisions and i feel like an#impaled beastie on a fork writhing around. AND im not home so i dont got my snuggly boy to cuddle. i just need some sleep i think#the prof i was thinking of supervising me seemed super nice... and talking to stydent this week also where nice and only had nice things#to say. idk man also been thinking this week about growing up and never having your work being acknowledged. its just why havent you not#done that. like. damn. dont think i can recall my dad every saying im proud of you. ughhh some ways good to be out of the house since dads#stressful af to be around and the parents still arent sure about maybe getting a divorce but its also awkward af dynamics here#the rents seem fine for the most part but yeesh. the fall was not good. also i miss my boyyyyyy#anyways. yeah classic NDN thing of your life being fucking run by your aunties somehow work wise#also being asked point blank what i want was like fuck man. what do i want. can u just leave me alone to do hobbies actually...#jk i do enjoy my job. i love research tbh. coordinating stuff less so but it do be a part of it#ok well. whoops rambles on here wayyy more then was expecting
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i’m so grumpy recently ugh
#sigh. turning 28 isn’t getting off to a good start#accidentally clipped the bumper of a parked car while driving my in-laws’ good car#now we’re down to one working car out of four cars on our property#and bee’s mom is at the hospital for recurring chronic potassium (pretty typical for her)#which ranges anywhere from overnight to a week or two#sooooo i had to spend $60 on ub*r today#which means i’ll have to spend $150 on rides to work bc of my own fuck up#and the father-in-law’s selfishness (he didn’t drive his wife to infusion#knowing i needed a ride to work a couple hours later and to be picked up later that afternoon)#so i’m grumpy but i can’t do anything about it#my stupid car insurance is going to go up in november and i’m SO not pleased#i’m so mad at myself for such a stupid accident#i get that it’s an accident but ofc it had to happen the day after my birthday (happened on the 10th)#i’m grumpy and way too fucking broke for this#i just moved to a new place last month#not to mention i had a chronic illness flare on friday so not only did i miss work last monday bc of my stupid accident on the previous sat#but i had to miss work on friday (i only work M/W/F)#SOOOOOOO#IM HAVING A FUN TIME GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#:c#h.txt
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omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby
#looking to register bc i havent had a hearing checkup in like. 4-5 years lol#im supposed to have repeats every 2-3 years but my old audio dept is on the other side of the country....#and my hearing loss has been stable since i was 2 yrs old so its not super urgent to keep track of..#but ive had my current hearing aids for over 6 years now i think which is the average lifespan. and they still work fine#but i really should be taking them in to adjust every six months n get new moulds fitted regularly....... oops#i do replace the tubing but yeah im way behind on maintenance#and considering i wear them like 50 hours a week n im kinda dependent on them at work i need to keep on top of it more#ALSO what i reaaaaally want is ones that have bluetooth connectivity bc when i last got mine that tech wasnt widely available#but now i think theyre nhs standard. so fingers crossed i can upgrade plsss i wanna be able to use them for phone calls n music!!!#i can make a good case for it if needed cuz i need to use headphones at work sometimes#actually might be able to get an access to work grant for bonus hearing aid equipment..... i should look into that#i was skeptical for ages bc i had a VERY old roger mic as a kid which was effectively a box on a lanyard i had to give to ppl#it was clunky as shit and had awful sound quality i gave up using it after a year or two#but now they have very sleek n subtle ones n the tech has improved so much like it filters bg noise n can connect to tvs n shit#so would be really useful in meetings or when im like. at a restaurant or somewhere w a lot of bg noise....#ahhhh itll take time to get everything sorted tho. need to start w just getting this audiology referral in place#ill swing by the gp practice after work tmr and ask for an appointment for that#need to get dressed and leave the flat.... but i dont want to 😔#in a bit....#.diaries
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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"John Donne" - a charcoal imitation of the 1622 Portrait of John Donne at the age of 49 by an unknown artist, drawn 2/26/2024
This is a purposefully rough work; I hadn't drawn a single thing in two weeks since giving up on a personal and difficult drawing I had worked on during January-February. This was done in about 30-to-40 minutes with just willow charcoal; no pencils and very minimal erasing, so somebody doesn't get the privilege of defined eyelids.
#im happy w it for the amount of effort i put in#that last thing i was drawing... oh im mad and upset like crazy again even thinking about it!!! so im not gonna talk abt!!!#im just gonna shut up about it and you should too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#2024#my drawing#visual art#john donne#charcoal#charcoal drawing#i was just gonna say the last thing was too much effort for how upset i was with it >:( but SHUT UP!!!!!!!#im so unhappy. my dad reminded me of it bc i guess he forgot i told him i quit it two weeks ago#i got super snappy w him but even thinking about it now makes me wanna cry. i've purposefully put it out of my mind#and now thinking about it again has put me in a bad mood when i wasn't before#i need to do more quick practice drawings as opposed high-effort concentrated works#cuz i gotta face it :) im just not that good at drawing :)#what a more skilled artist could do in a few hours takes me days or weeks#im more satisfied too usually w the low-effort works. i guess bc they aren't crushed under the weight of expectation#man FUCK expectations!!!!!!!!!!!#alright i gotta go im in a bad mood goodnight#bitches >:(
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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holy shit. epson salt ACTUALLY works for carpel tunnel?!?! I just tried soaking my wrists in it, not even for that long yet, and my pain almost immediately started subsiding and by the end they were mostly fine??? the most fine in days?? magic? sorcery?? science??? what the fuck this is so exciting
#cant believe it took me two years to discover this but i will happily accept this now#had a bad flare up this week and none of my usual tricks were doing much so i dragged myself out to get this#AND IT WORKS???? SO WELL??????#i could cry.#literally just used a towel to apply it for not even 20 mins i cant wait to start a good system for this now omg omg omg#and it seems to last a bit too???#will have to practice this more to know for sure#but if this lets me be productive and function in less pain even in the smallest amount and perhaps even lets me play video games sometimes#...i will be the happiest fucking person on the planet#like im not in any pain after typing these tags!!!!#HELL YEAH
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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#delete later#two senior ppl at my job are leaving and im super stressed about it. i don't think my job is in jeopardy or whatever but shits changing#and i hate that. We've got more projects from a secondary client so thats going well. but eurgh. a nightmare. im not especially surprised#about either though. the one got fucked over by the client last year and the other has health difficulties#that i imagine are being negatively affected by working so much.#eurgh. stressful. both of them are nice.#im happy for them both. but also stressed.#in other news my new budget is working well. I've been able to put money back in my savings for two months now. im getting a handle#on what to prioritise in terms of chores and energy expense. im baking and really enjoying it - theres something so wonderful#about making yourself a treat for the week on the weekend. like hey work is hard but im gonna make this gift for morning me#im on top of my laundry which is probably thr most surprising thing. on top of self care. washing up and hoovering continue to be very#difficult for me but im getting better. i have a little more motivation to do physio again. and like a lot of this is that the winter blues#are leaving me. and the grief is. not fading but is less all present. i still start to panic every couple days and get upset but. i can#breathe through it now a little easier. this week ive actually felt capable at work. ive written around 900 lines of code and problem#solved a massive amount. i still feel. bad. but i have more moments of good. and im getting better at messaging ppl when i realise#that i feel lonely. thats good progress. I feel small but alive and thats an improvement#oh yeah i also figured out a way to track taking my meds bc i couldnt just Do it anymore. progress!
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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Crocheted all day today!
#No time for writing unfortunately. But that’s O.K.!!#I have a very good feeling about this week!#:-)#rat.op.tag#rat.anderlore.tag#im working on a new shirt thats just out of all my greyscale scraps.#About. A quarter of the way through? Unsure.#It’s going pretty fast exause I really like the shape of the movements I need to do.#It gets kind of boring around half way through the row though. Thats O.K.#I watched. Two movies and a lot of walking dead today.#Listened to some music. Read a bit.#Pretty good. Very relaxing.#Grind starts tmr tho. Rip me#Movies were conclave and American werewolf in london.#Both prettyyyy good.#And the walking dead is p awesome ofc#I want where they are now to be the wnd od the show.#Because I prefer when zombie media is about how humans find hope and community even in a world#Designed to kill them. Even when others have become monsters even before zombification.#Etc.#Instead of how fucking awesome it would be if zombies happened.#Yk.#but its O.K.#I stopped watching dor a while after prison arc because I liked that ending too much.#But I eventually moved on etc.#This one is a little less good because there’s less understanding. But thats O.K. I still like it.#I know it isn’t gnna last. But thats O.K.#I like the joy while it lasts etc.#Seeing those gay guys kiss upon reunification actually changed smt. About me. Like psychologically.#I don’t even get it I don’t care about those guys. But.
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and with that i do believe that my run with interstellar in imax has come to an end.

#check out the stats: 4 shows in 7 days. two shows within less than 24 hours of each other#one show that made me drive three hours through the city I hate to get to the imax#tbf I didn’t know that it was coming to my town because the original weekend it was not here#so I had to make the drive. then! I found out my local imax was going to show it so I went three more times lol#truthfully I feel good about it. I could go again tomorrow night at 10pm but I think while I was watching it today#idk something just came over me and I thought ya know what? this is it. this is my last time seeing it in imax#I came to peace with it and im okay with it. it was beautiful to witness. it really helped when i had contacts in instead of glasses#I think we worked through a lot of feelings while watching these four shows. I think we learned a lot about myself too#definitely found some answers we were looking for. definitely opened up some other wounds too but that’s okay#I got to enjoy movies again and really be immersed in cinema so that was a great experience#plus all of this with a movie I already loved so now! it’s boosted my life exponentially#idk how to make an interstellar url which is why we went with rust but like. dammit I owe you my life interstellar#god what a beautiful film. I’ve seen so many bad takes about it too and it’s not like im blinded by my love for it#that I think the takes are bad. no it’s genuinely shit like ‘oh what do you mean they couldn’t figure out how to grow more than just corn?’#like homie you obviously were not paying attention! the earth is dying! (real) and corn is quite literally the only thing left!!!#they have to leave if humanity is going to survive!!!!#anyway. like I said. beautiful film really enjoyed this past week of getting to see AND experience it.#watching it on blu ray now will never be the same#thank you everyone who followed along on this journey and thank you mr McConaughey for giving me your accent for the week#okay last two things: a) im gonna go back and tag all my stuff so I can look back on this time with joy and whimsy#second: here’s my definitive ranking of my viewings of the movie:#first had to be the first time i saw it. nothing is topping that absolutely nothing. experiencing that for the first time and road tripping#like come on that’s dedication to the art right there. second would be today. feeling at peace knowing it was going to be my last show#and really getting to soak it all in. absolutely. plus I had contacts in so I could see everything lol.#third was yesterday bc yeah I finally got to see everything (again. finally had contacts in) but the audience did make it a little tough#usually im game for a big movie with an audience but there were too many distractions really pulling me out of the experience#last was probably Friday. even though I was jazzed to see it again bc that was the first show in my town there was a kid vaping two seats#away from me and that gave me a headache. plus I had glasses on so again. can’t see part of it bc the frames of said glasses.#thank you to everyone who followed along on this journey! apparently there is a 30 tag limit so last tag:#shelby watches interstellar
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/meds talk, mental health as well ig, uhhhhhh
#kats personal#talked to the gp today (that works alongside the psych) and super long story short#she said the best course of action would be to just stop taking vyvanse for 2-3 weeks#primarily bc shes concerned about my shortness of breath (which i feel like im so used to i dont notice it unless its super bad#or someone asks me about why i keep taking deep breaths)#but also (tbh idk if she implied this or not) to see how its affecting my energy/mood? bc uve been exhausted the last month#and part of thr struggle is not knowing what symptoms are being caused by what bc there was and is so much goijg on all at once#obvs i didnt plan for it all to happen at the same time but it just. worked out that way unfortunstely.#BUT vyvanse shouldnt ??? make my mood and energy drop as early as it does??? and my first month and a but on it i felt Good tbh#(re: energy and sociability) but now i just 🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️#and then yeah okay my sleeps fcked as well so THAT doesnt help at all#and my diet and weight post-op is ugh#and then the additional stress of thr family stuff#anyways what i set out to say was idk how im gonna. manage uni and family if going off meds actually causes a crazy crash#like im lowkey scared that the only reason im even managing to do the bare min these days is because of tje meds giving me a lil boost#but anyways guess we'll find out#but i have so much shut to do these next two weeks that i just 🫠
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incredibly long day at work n they keep giving me far too much to do n then fucking w my schedule short notice and also I'm annoyed at a friend for smth thats kind of irrational but whatever its still pissing me off a little and it's 27c outside and I'm so sweaty ARGH
#3 ppl tried to schedule 4 things simultaneously for thursday morning... babe theres only one of me. fight it out w my boss#realistically i can only do one project in thr morning and one in the afternoon unless its smth rly short n tight#but a lot of things take a fixed amt of hours to complete n i cant multitask them so u cant quadruple book me 😭#generally my manager is good at managing me but bc its the last week of the quarter everythings pure chaos#while ppl try to cram in the last few things to hit quarterly goals#well at least i didnt do unpaid overtime today just what i agreed to. and im home now so work doesnt exist anymore#gonna rinse n change n head out w the parkour lot for an hour or two n hopefully thatll improve my mood :-)#gonna take it easy tho cuz i wanna be fresh for the gym on thurs#ahhh.. god i have no heat tolerance whatsoever i hope the summer weather ends soon#.diaries
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AHHHHHH
#thinking “’actually I’m doing pretty good right now’ is the devil. a cruel temptress.#bc these last two days I have actually felt! really terrible! RIGHT AFTER i was like. im actualy doing pretty ok rn#I’m so annoyingly lonely. I feel like an annoyance to my friends.#I don’t have anyone near me. I have to work every day for the rest of my life#and I love what I do but. I’m fucking tired. I just want a Week off. is that too much to ask#but the thing is.#having a week off is ALSO bad for me. bc I don’t have anyone here. and I just spend it inside#and like. i WANT to rest. I want to be able to spend time at home. and also be w ppl#here. in person. but that can’t happen. bc there are not ppl here to do that w.#and my stomach hurts. and I’m bad at taking care of myself.#I think I just. want a hug. but also if I got that I think I’d cry and I don’t. want to do that. but I think I need both things. I guess.#I just. miss ppl. and wish ppl would see me as a fully realized person. and not as ideas of who I am. sigh.#but it’s ok! bc I will feel normal after this outburst and be ok. I guess.#roxy talks
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