#i just moved to a new place last month

[boyobjectifier]

i’m so grumpy recently ugh

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[spotaus]

Late Night quick thing (New Age Sillies)

Bad news: That joke post about including Reset + Orchid is definitely not canon. (I legit got sad thinking about Reset being in a universe where Orchid isn't- because their stories are so so intertwined- but Nightmare 100% would NOT risk the whole twins exploding Error's soul thing.)

Good news: This means I COULD include Kane (Reset's older brother who usually dies in timelines where Reset is born) and use it to develope his character a bit more! Also! Perhaps a Blue × Dream kiddo is finally in the stars for me to design?

[gothamsaved]

Last thing OOC before I actually do those written replies—- just more or less wanna explain why I haven’t been reaching out to people or answering back much OOC lately.

I have been going through a lot irl and my mental health has been in the absolute trash. I’ve been socially withdrawing and isolating again because I am convinced I am a burden or me rambling about any of my muses will leave people to feel left out or ignored and its left me feeling like shit and scared to really get my gushing out anywhere while feeling “safe” if that makes sense. Or in private? I worry I’ll annoy people regardless cause 99% of the time it is just my unhinged ass sending memes of Batman and going “cretchur” or “lookit this freak of a man” over doing anything really, truly productive.

So I’ve been in a state of “You’re too annoying you’re boring them they will replace you with someone better who can actually do this thing right” and it’s been severely affecting my ability to reach out among irl stress adding onto the list.

I will however try my best to reach out more through throwing asks ( prompted / unprompted if I seen Askmemes! ) at mutuals who let me know it is absolutely okay to interact and be a pest, as I know I can’t hold much of a conversation these days, not sure when it will lift enough I can confidently plot and talk out potential dynamics, but I want it to be known if we follow each other, I am interested in writing with you, absolutely. I am just not good with starting things up, which is why I encourage the sending of asks back to me so we can see how muses interact before we plot things out.

I really don’t give a fuck about my follower count, I don’t do the whole collecting people and muses thing as that is a huge trigger of mine as well. I am here to build up meaningful stories with people who want to genuinely put in the time and effort into getting to know each other’s muses. I never want anyone to feel collected. You guys have so much creativity and passion for the muses you write I am always blown away by the OOC posts rambling about them, the edits, the well thought out replies.

I want to do more with you guys. I’m not gonna let my depression kick my shit in and prevent it, but I will take time to have that courage to plot in private again. Until my mental health gets better, I hope this will be okay in the meantime.

[gutsfics]

ik that in canon the yacht club classmate type is supposed to be like. what if this high school straight up had a yacht club.

but tbh i think its more like that episode of Community where Shirley and Pierce take a boating class but theres no body of water anywhere near Greendale so theyre just. in the parking lot. pretending theyre out at sea or something

[dredshirtroberts]

dry swallowing pills is my stupidest flex. i'm not even showing off anymore i'm just impatient

[wormwonder]

playing with circles O●°○•°o.

[sportsthoughts]

WHY is moving house so stressful

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

CW I guess for Daikaaki,,, I know that ain't everyone's cup of tea.

《~~~~~~~》

Takaaki, in life, has seen many corpses. It's his job. But this…

He couldn't bear it. He…couldn't breathe…

What…was Daiya doing…on…the street bleeding out? He was smiling, too. It's that same smile Takaaki had seen that morning. Before going into work. When…

"Dai…ya…" Takaaki breathed out. That smile. He remembered the kiss he gave Daiya's forehead. The man was sleeping. Or he thought he was, but he was actually awake. From the lighting of the other room creeping into the room they were in, he could see Daiya's mouth curve up. His smile was charming as always.

He couldn't…dammit, Takaaki, breathe!

He could see Mondo's broken form on the ground, cradling Daiya in his arms as he cried.

The cuts and the scrapes all over Daiya's face and body was too much to bear as well. His clothes were tattered and dirty.

Takaaki remembered seeing Daiya like that everyday. Dirty white or black clothes, having cuts in the fabric, face bruised or red, minor and major cuts, scrapes on his hands. But his eyes were always open. That dammed smile there, too. His lavender eyes just so full of life. That smile full of charm that even Takaaki couldn't help but not try to evade.

Takaaki wanted to throw up looking at Daiya now. His throat threatened to make him puke out whatever his body offered. Tears spilling out of his eyes as he cried softly.

Takaaki could only hear his fellow officers in the background…along with Mondo's screams of agony right next to him. Takaaki wanted to reach out to the boy, to comfort him. But he couldn't. He couldn't see well…his vision was so blurry and his eyes stung.

Mondo continued to scream and cry as he held Daiya in his arms. "Wh…What happened?" Takaaki forced out. "H-He…he…Daiya…" Mondo held his brother tighter. He'll have to ask later…

Not when…

Oh, God, the blood that spilled from Daiya's body was too much. Takaaki needed to just breathe.

"How many dead bodies have you seen?" Daiya had asked him once. "Too many to count at this point." Takaaki had answered back. "Any of them gruesome?" Daiya asked. "All of them. In their own ways…" Takaaki said as he lit his cigarette. "Any of them still fresh in yer head..? Like…ya can't stop thinkin' about 'em?" Daiya asked, his expression serious now.

"Hm…I believe so. But I do end up not thinking too much of them. But sometimes they do tend to stick with me." Takaaki had answered him. He'd seen too many to remember how much exactly. And all of them gruesome and stomach turning. The many ways a person could die or how their bodies could be altered never felt limited. There was so much you could do.

And he'd seen so many of them.

People different ages and differences in deaths, times, places, how they looked.

That's how Daiya was.

He was different from some. Same with others in a way. But still different.

Too different.

He could close his eyes and still see Daiya. The blood pooling from his face. The smile. The scrapes. The cuts. The bruises. Whatever limb was mangled. It was too vivid when he had them closed he couldn't keep them closed for long. Even when he wanted to. He'll still see Daiya.

Takaaki took Daiya's hand in his, it was so cold to the touch…

Hands that were scarred. Once so warm compared to Takaaki's less warm ones were now just as cold as ice. Takaaki held his hand to his lips and kissed them. He kissed the scars Daiya had on it. Just as he did many times over.

Daiya always found it funny whenever Takaaki would. Like each scar deserved its own kiss. That they needed love, too.

Takaaki held Daiya's hand so tightly that he felt like it'd just get crushed in his own hand. They felt more fragile now…

"We should go…" Takaaki whispered to Mondo as he continued to hold Daiya's hand. He didn't want to let go. He never wanted to let go. He always wanted to hold Daiya's hand, afraid he'll leave. But now he was gone and he had to let go.

"Y-Yeah…" Mondo agreed, tears still streaming down his face. The both got off the floor, Mondo struggling to stand up from either shock or he just couldn't move them from being injured. Takaaki helped him up as they both walked into Takaaki's car. Leaving the crime scene.

Takaaki could hear his fellow officers yelling at him to not take Mondo away until they asked him questions. But Takaaki didn't listen. Mondo was to be arrested too. Illegal street racing…

But Takaaki didn't. As much as he'd had wanted to before, he couldn't.

Daiya would've begged him to not let Mondo get arrested.

He could hear him saying it right now.

He could hear Daiya's voice from when he arrested him, too.

Why couldn't he just leave his mind for once? Takaaki knew he was grieving…they…they were recently dating…their relationship was so fresh. Takaaki never reminded himself that Daiya could die from these things.

He was shaking.

Seeing Mondo in the mirror looking down at his shoes felt all the same as before. Mondo was younger and so was Daiya. He felt sick again.

Everything shouldn't remind him of Daiya!

Even when Daiya was in the backseat with his brother holding his corpse as Takaaki drove them over to the hospital…

Takaaki wanted to throw up more than before.

He was so sick.

Seeing that smile. The blood.

Just focus on the road, Takaaki, he told himself. Just focus…driving…focus…

…

Takaaki could only think of Daiya's handsome smile as he forced himself to focus on the road. It didn't help that he could smell Daiya's blood from the backseat.

Taunting him.

[elvencantation]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[running-in-the-dark]

the apartment we looked at today was really bad - like, one room was missing half the flooring and they (the landlord) just put carpet over it. luckily it was only the current tenant there, though - she told us about the landlord and that she's... not great. so even if the apartment had been decent we wouldn't have been interested after that.

[rosicheeks]

when was the last time you had an orgasm? feel free to give as many or as few details as you want to share 😘💖

-🌸

Last time? Hmmmmm….. I don’t remember 😭

[poppyseed799]

Brother why are there so many roaches we have had TWO full exterminations and BOTH TIMES the roaches came back. The first time there were less of them for a week (still some) but the second time there was absolutely zero difference in the number of roaches even immediately after the extermination. Like man. What am I supposed to do about this

[anakinlove]

Hello Lili my love how are u

Hello!!!!

I am good!!!

How are you??

[syncrovoid-presents]

I haven't slept for over 32 hours hehe /silly /I am being so silly (insomnia)