#i was crying on the phone to my mom bc i've gone in for this exact issue before when i lived in the midwest and they never did anything

[watermelinoe]

private clinics in costa rica really treat you right, during the vacation portion after classes were over i caught a local stomach bug and i remember one of the nurses touching my arm going pobrecita :( and then they gave me amazing pain meds and sent me home with a giant jug of juice to drink, and anyway i just had my first er visit in appalachia and the vibe was honestly similar

[love-belle]

we caught that holiday glee !!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which it doesn't take a genius to know that they're actually the icons.

or

for when you want to spend all of your christmases with them. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

social media au // charles leclerc x fem!reader

prequel - you got me thinking nonsense ⋆·˚ ༘ *

warnings - language

author's note - hahahahaha hiiii!!!! im so SORRY for being absent i've been going insane over school 😭😭😭 it's all just a mess rn (IM IN LOVEEEEE I MET THIS GUY) and hopefully, i can post often but still, i can't promise anything!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR MY LOVES <3 i hope ur all doing okay!!!! i love u all so much :)

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by charles_leclerc, lewishamilton, carmenmmundt and 2,417,916 others

yourusername here's a lil carol i wrote it's abt u and me 🎀

11,628 comments

username SCREECHING TOO MUCH TO UNPACK

username no bc nonsense christmas is so

username everyone shut up im focusing on "i need that charles dickens"

username SANTA DOESN'T KNOW U LIKE I DO

username roman empire or roman empire??? yeah that's what i thought

username somebody sedate me im going feral over nonsense christmas lord

username i know l*ndo ascended to the nth circle of hell after hearing this

username I NEED THAT CHARLES DICKENS

-> username girly did NOT hold back

maxverstappen1 ears are bleeding

-> yourusername ur 26282837 messages crying about cindy lou who say something diff but maybe that's js me

-> maxverstappen1 SHUT

-> username nah cindy lou who is PAINFUL

username charles and y/n 🤝 "what if we hypothetically broke up"

-> username nah bc i KNOW those mfs giggle while writing songs together

username THE TSHIRT OH MY GOF

-> username need that for educational purposes

username "i've been there through the good and the bad" ur honour i am unwell

alex_albon THIS IS WHY HIS NAME IS "north pole💈" IN YOUR PHONE ??????????

-> yourusername says who

-> alex_albon don't gaslight me

-> yourusername gaslighting is not real ur js crazy ☺️

username the lore is revealing itself good lord

username i will never be as iconic as y/n y/l/n and i don't think i can be

username OPPOSITE OF SMALL?? BIG SNOWBALLS?? girl u used to sing for DISNEY

-> yourusername i js need to cut a few words off and then it's the perfect disney anthem wdym 🙄🙄🙄

-> username start "cutting a few words" and the whole song is GONE 😭

username i played this in front of my mom y'all what am i supposed to DO

username WHAT'S 12-4???? YEAH

lewishamilton certainly an experience listening to this for the first time, seb and i are proud of you xx

-> yourusername i love my unofficial parents thank u xx

username i am unwell.

charles_leclerc so proud of you mon ange ( my angel )

-> yourusername thank YOU for writing songs with me ☹️

charles_leclerc forever and ever in awe 🥰

-> yourusername i love you

username THE TSHIRT OMG

-> username it's a need fr

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by yourusername, maxverstappen1, lilymhe and 2,528,916 others

charles_leclerc we caught that holiday glee

tagged yourusername

comments are disabled for this post

[muff1nqwq]

I literally hate myself rn TwT

Me and my friend had a looong chat ( texting ) and then I put my device away. Then I noticed that my mom take it. I freaked out cuz what if she was gonna look through my texts?? Me and my friend we talking abt insecurities and I don't want my mom to cry again because of me. So I went upstairs to check and saw that she was looking down at a screen, I'm not sure which one though. Probably mine. I freaked out and went to the washroom. I took my blade, and without thinking twice, pressed down for a few seconds.. Then.. *shing* my two day streak was gone. One cvt. Deepest I've ever gone ( while I was wiping it with a wet tissue I started opening it then closing it with my fingers, then made it talk. His name is Jeff btw ) like it was medium styro which YAYYAYYY imma not sh for weeks cuz I beat my depth record :D

But yeah...now I realize that insecurities r normal to have and that there would be no reason for her to get mad at me bc I think I'm fat, and that shing bc of a THOUGHT ( hey, there might be a chance she was looking at her OWN phone ) was PROBABLY not the beeeest idea ever? ( like I don't wanna offend Jeff cuz he's friendly and all but I should have waited at least five days to create him )

Anyway, its only one cvt and its kinda small so HOPEFULLY my mom won't notice it.

Why does it feel like I'm writing a diary entry.

[liu-anhuaming]

so i ended up sending that letter detailing all of my grievances dating back to high school to my parents yesterday morning, and as of now (36 hours since sending the email) i've heard absolutely nothing in response

i'm putting the rest under the cut in case y'all don't wanna see me spilling my guts about my bad relationship with my mom and possible abuse?

after a lot of thinking this past week, i realized that the idea of never speaking to my mom every again makes me feel giddy. my therapist was saying i shouldn't rush into this, but i don't think i am? this week isn't even the first time i've thought of going no-contact with my mom, but it's the first time it's been this close to becoming a reality. the thought has gone through my mind multiple times over the past year or so, but i always brushed it off as something that wasn't likely to happen

after weighing all the pros and cons, it just feels like the right thing to do, but i don't know how i should tell her, and i'm afraid of how she'll react

i'm also suddenly full of self-doubt, and a feeling that as bad as my mom was to me, she and my dad were still good parents and provided for me while i was growing up, and after everything they've done wanting to go no-contact makes me selfish and ungrateful, and all sorts of other negative thoughts. a lot of the guild and doubt i'm feeling is definitely me hearing my mom's voice in my head, and i'm trying to push it away

i told my brother i was thinking of doing this, and he said that while it's sad it's come to this, he supports my decision and has my back no matter what i decide. that's definitely helped me pull away from my self-doubt

I was also talking about this all with my coworker (we've spent a lot of time bonding over our terrible mothers), and she used the word "abuse" to describe how my mom treated me. that gave me major pause, bc i've never thought of my mother as abusive. in my mind, she's a terrible person but not abusive. but then today i was doing some googling, and it turns out a lot of the stuff she did can be classed as emotional abuse, so. yeah. that's a lot to process

but no matter what, my relationship with my mom is fucked. the idea of talking to her on the phone is horrifying, and the thought of visiting home fills me with dread and anxiety. whenever i'm home, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, bc any slip-up means starting a fight with my mom. i absolutely don't feel comfortable sharing anything with her about my mental health or my feelings (bc she's always trivializing them), so when we do talk once a week i'm basically just telling her how my work week was and what the weather's like where i live. that's barely even a relationship

and when i think about the possibility of her changing and becoming a better person, i just don't care? like it's great if she actually internalizes what i'm saying in my letter, but for me it's too little too late. i've already spent the past decade trying to get through to her, and she never listened, so now i just feel done with it all

idk, but if i still don't hear from my parents by tomorrow afternoon, i'll be breaking the silence myself and calling them. bc i am not trying to have a major fight with my mother on a weekday night, where i'll probably spend a bunch of time crying, and then i'll have to go to work the next morning feeling like ass. the advantage of doing it on a sunday morning is that i have the whole rest of the day to feel like shit

[thingthatoncewastruee]

the fucking feeling when the 'ive had a shitty two days, almost the entirety of the gallery in my phone (5years worth of screenshots and photos) has disappeared and i have to add them back BY HAND FROM GOOGLE PHOTOS, im reading choices and it fucking hurts and then my mom comes to my room, blames me for not waking her up when she didn't even ask me but my sister and then tells me to wash the literal tower of dishes when my sister was gone for 5 days and I've been washing them the whole time and I told her that maybe she should fucking wash the dishes bc of that and she tells me that no and that I have to do that which just turns out to be my last straw' cry turns into the 'why am i unloveable' cry. also I have two tests tomorrow and i want to d!e!!!

[baekhvuns]

YOU'RE RIGHT!! I TAKE ONE LEAVE AND THE EARTH MEETS THE SKY 😭

No ok let me explain, this is so embarassing, I have a small shelf where I keep my phone, and unfortunately it's near the bathtub, like it's on the wall where the bathtub is and I'm usually very careful and I usually decide on all my songs beforehand and keep it there BUT THT DAY IDK MAYBE IT WAS CUZ I WAS SICK? BUT I SAT IN THE BATHTUB WHILE SEARCHING THE SONG AND IT SLIPPED FRM MY HANDS (I like dangerous things ig?)

Yes, I found the song. "My everything" played as i held the half alive body of my phone in my hand but it survived. Credits to the song man! But my mom scolded me so much 😭 and everyone teamed up on me, talk about being the youngest! But my dad and i ate mid night snacks as i rambled on abt how it wasn't my fault (it was) 😁

OMG YES ANONS COME BACK WERE LONELY it's actually so cute how we've created a small family like saur happy!!! 🙌

And I just read secretary's escape. 26 episodes, done in one day. do i want you to write hwa like seungjo? Yes. Will I enjoy if he was written like tht? Yes, yes I will. I'll enjoy...every. bit. of. it.

Bcz I'm smitten, I'm in too deep, I'm gone, I'm not even here baby, I'm a hallucination. Such an impact....who's making this a drama? Oh and I had a whole reaction on it, like I wrote every little thing I felt and I will share it, mind you. So you better be prepared!!

I literally have it saved as "webtoon annotation" 😭😭

U were right, I've come back to my my roots. WAIT THT ONE SONG THT GOES "BABY IM YOURS, BABY IM YOURS" :0 NO WONDER! I LOVE EVERY E2L U WRITE! U told me abt ur formula 😭 I caught on it, how first we meet hwa, then we fight, loads of it but nothing serious just bickering, and among all tht we don't even realise we fall in love, then either yn or hwa fucks up, and we kinda go back to stage 2 but this time...very serious. And then someone b/w us has to apologize and we finally let the other person in (Bcz of Kai ofc, tht man never comes to play).

The whole transition to fall from summer rlly makes my throat act up fr fr. Wait u had a sore throat too? It's like tht for everyone, I was just sitting studying on my desk then i felt something stingy in my throat and i thought maybe it was cuz I was quite for too long...but then i realised it hurt to swallow and i, in fact had caught a cold 😔 so sad. I hope u take care of yourselves too.

I better sleep, it's like 1, here or mum will scold me again saying how I don't rest when I hv to. HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT TO HER THT MANHWA'S ARE IMP 😭. anyways I'll manage gn ❤️❤️

LMFAOOOO THIS IS SO FUNNY WHGRBKWHD

this all i have to say to the bathtub story

LMFAOOOO UR RIGHT WHY DOES EVERYONE GANG UP ON THE YOUNGEST STOP THATS SO CUTE 😭😭😭 PEAK MEMORY MOMENT im imaging you two, it’s late night, it’s dark and the only thing that’s lit up is both y’all’s body by the fridge’s light and you guys are just snacking up while you explain to your dad and he pretends to listen 😭😭

RIGHT PLS ANONS COME BACK LEMME SEE UR FACES right!! it’s like a small little town in baekhvunsland i hope y’all rmr u have to pay ur rent and that is by coming into my inbox 🔫 some of u are mad over due 🔫

OMFBBFKWJDKW U READ IT FBNWNFKD CRYING SCREAMING no bc. listen to me. i have a hwa ceo fic ok. he’s a very intimidating boss in it. and it kinda fits him and seungjo’s character

crying this is from last year 😭😭

that is my exact reaction. u get me. im all ears anytime babes

YES THAT EXACT SONG FJQNDKW ITS SO I SAW A VIDEO ON IT SAYING “imagine this plays as the enemies pin each other” and my mind said mr and mrs park. LMFAOOOO NOT U EXPOSING LIKE THIS FJWKDJWK KAI WILL FORVER BE MENTIONED IN MY FICS I AINT LETTING THAT FUCKER LEAVE he’s the therapist for readers and the yn ngl he’s coming over and he’s rover

right!! there’s a weird thing in the air these days, yes i did!!! i have a runny nose atm, rainy seasons and thunderstorms are arriving in my city 😭😭 IT HURT TO SWALLO GIRL WHEJ U ACCIDENTALLY WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SWALLOW AND YOURE DYING BC IT SCRATCHES i also swallowed in my sleep and i felt the pain in my dream ,,, im much better now thank u!!! pls take care of yourself and your god damn phone plis

LMFAOOOO it’s one over here for me fbwmbfsm readings webtoons ☺️☺️☺️

omg you’ve read the remarried empress right? navier’s brother is so 🫠 HOW. HOW.

[tellthatbrokebitch]

can i be real a second, for just a millisecond, let down my guard and tell the people how i feel a second

i'm gonna do a personal ramble under a cut bc i just need to

so i'm going to a pt facility tomorrow. for anyone reading this who doesn't know, a year ago i injured my foot and due to a series of mistakes, miscalculations, and just generally unfortunate events, i haven't been able to walk since, and haven't been able to see a doctor to examine the problem, so i don't even exactly know what the problem IS. only in the last five or so months have i been able to talk with a doctor via video call, and eventually it's all culminated in finally being able to seek help for my issue

it's been a really rough fucking year, and i've tried to stay positive but it's difficult. i've also been trying not to talk too much about it, or vent too often on here, bc that's not why people follow me and i don't like putting that negativity out there. it's why i mostly talk about my writing, or my silly text posts posts, and the only time i really speak about my mental health is when it's really bad

this is a good thing. it's a great thing, bc even if i go into this facility and for some reason or other i can't walk again, at least i'll know, you know? it's been an entire year of not knowing, and being cooped up in my room, and not even being able to see half of my family, even though we live in the same fucking house. either way, tomorrow i get to see and hug my mom for the first time in a year, so at least i have that to look forward to

but i'm also really scared that the original injury i sustained never actually healed, and that this entire year has been for naught, or that i fucked something up because i'm a fucking idiot, or any number of things that have gone wrong or might go wrong in the future. i'm scared that i'm never gonna walk again, and i'm going to be a burden on my family indefinitely, and that i screwed everything up. i'm worried about my financials, bc i spent two years building my credit up and diligently making my payments, only for the last year to completely fuck it all up bc i'm not making any money and fuck the us credit system anyway, bc i was perfectly content before but you have to have a decent credit score to do anything in this fucking country, so now i'm like 2k in debt with no way to pay it off bc i had to use them to buy fucking food so i don't fucking starve

i'm getting heated lol anyway i'm also just really stressed bc i haven't left my room in roughly a year except to go across the hall to the bathroom, and now tomorrow i get to humiliate myself in front of strangers, and i have to leave my family and my dog and my cat and go to a strange place and sleep in a strange bed and i'm bringing my notebooks so i can write and my phone so i can post but it's not the same and my anxiety is already through the roof and i just know i'm going to spend so much time fucking crying bc i'm doing it right now just typing all of this

idk i'm just... idk don't read all of this okay i'm a fucking mess. i just needed to vent

[reminderofapast]

He and his family showed up at my work today, the One day I had to go and be on the floor, at first it was amusement seeing a cousin, which turned to nervousness seeing an Aunt and Uncle, turning to dread seeing Step mom, and shear fucking Panic seeing him. I literally couldn't breathe, I haven't felt heart stopping fear in years, and yet this fucker doesn't even have to do anything and I'm crumbling apart. I couldn't even bring myself to run to a backroom, I was fucking paralyzed. I caught both Step mom's and his eye briefly, and that's when I left. Flight finally kicked in and I ended up in a back hallway by the freight elevator curled into a corner for I couldn't even tell you how long, at least a half hour, cycling through panic attacks, dissociation, and denial. I got a notification and thought one of them was texting me, so I couldn't even use my phone to text for/find help bc I couldn't bring myself to see what they might say. (It was a school thing, but she did text me later today. I know I'll never respond).

It's not fucking fair he still has so much power over me. It's not FUCKING FAIR

I'M GONE NOW HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE I LEFT HE'S SUPPOSED TO STAY AWAY

I JUST STARTED FEELING SAFE IN MY LIFE AND KNOW I'M BACK TO SQUARE FUCKING ONE, LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER AND UNABLE TO LEAVE WORK WITHOUT SOMEONE NEXT TO ME, YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO TAKE MY LIFE AGAIN, IT'S MINE NOW.

Worst part is I've gotten so good at suppressing this shit that I can't even fully cry it out, I'm already automatically shoving it down. I'm trying to trigger myself enough for the catharsis, but it probably won't help.

Square one tastes bitter.

[crazylil-lion]

Anyone else genuinely scared to look at themselves in the mirror?

Like not only because I hate how I look but because I don't recognize the thing standing before me.

It doesn't feel real. How could that be me?

I look myself in my eyes and I see someone else.

Empty, dead eyes, a sadistic grin. The part of me that knows no matter how much I try to drown it out with lorazepam. With loud music. With games. With anime. Multitasking until I'm dead to avoid the fucking monster inside me.

When I look into my eyes in the mirror I see the demon before me and I get sick. Thoughts of all the things I've done wrong, things I could have done better. People I could have helped and given more to flash before my eyes.

I don't recognize myself because the truth is who I am died years ago in that house.

My personality was destroyed my life turned meaningless.

All that mattered was being enough, giving more and more. Asking for as little as possible.

Get love based on how much you do.

Its funny. If 4th grade people wrote notes about the favorite thing they enjoyed about each of us.

I had so many nice comments. How sweet and kind I was. How bright and bubbly I was. How I use to brighten rooms up and make people smile.

I think back and i remember going to school pretending everything was okay.

Pretending that I was okay.

Over those years 9-15 everything about me was destroyed.

Befoee that age it was bad. The screaming. The fear the pain. The threats.

But it didn't really hit me until I was around 10.

Thats when the fire nation attacked( jk😂)

Anyway. Thats when it got worse. The abuse got worse. My presents always being stolen. Literally if I was called for I had to drop what I was doing and go. That second. If I didn't they would scream. Come pound on my door. Drag me out by my arm. Scream so close I felt their breath.

Spanked or slapped. Or just threatened.

I did the chores. Most of them. I kept my siblings from crying or it was my fault.

The only escape I really had was weekends with dad but he would just dismiss moms actions. Dismiss my words tell me to just be strong because I was the only one that could be there for them. He tried his hardest still does working 80 hrs anychance he gets to support moms lazy ass.

I was blamed for so much. I changed my hair color to pink when I was 10 and I got screamed at. Told I was unlovable. A freak. People would make fun of me. No one would ever wanna date me. I was forced to skip school the rest of the week so they could change it back.

If they hit me and I cried I was told to man up before they gave me a real reason to cry.

I've never really had support. Or someone who unconditionally loved me.

All ky relationships where me giving everything to get barely anything in return.

My one good relationship ended basically overnight.

Everything was great she was going to come see me some times soon or I see her.

I tried to spend time with her she kept hanging out with her friend, whoch I was like, okay, np we got all the time in the world. Then a few days later she wants to have phone sex after I worked all day its like 830 and the walls are so thin I hear the group of people in the room next door.

I say I really didnt feel up to it bc I was tired and I just wanted to talk.

She blows up saying I don't ever do anything with her after staying at a friends for days.

That everything changed when I moved bc I was busy.

I begged for her to support me. Saying its hard after moving from my siblings. The only thing that kept me alive for years.

She left. Within a week it was over she was gone. Didn't respond. Said she wanted space and went and got into another relationship like a week or two later. And that was it until her relationship went bad and she talked to me again.

The one relationship that I thought I mattered in threw me away basically in days. Moved on and barely talked to me after multiple bad relationships.

Really I just wanna be noticed once. Everyone talks of their stories. Their relationships. Getting hit on.

I'm here like yeaaa everyones basically treated me like shit my whole life.

I just can't relate.

To their lives.

To being able to live as children.

Ive missed out on so much for so long. All I've wanted was love. Romance. The cheesy shit. Flowers. Smothering eachother in kisses. Cooking together. Talking about our day's.

Its all I want.

I want to know a safe warm embrace.

I wanna know what its like to be chosen and wanted.

What its like for someone to try for me. To think about me.

I wanna matter. I'll do anything. Give them anything. Treat them like my goddess. Worship them build them up. I just wanna feel fucking safe. Have someone proud. Have someone want me. Want to have romantic cheesy shit.

The truth is I'll never be able to love myself without intimacy or affection.

I was starved of it. Idk what its like to be held.

I can't love myself because my family only loved what I could provide. Not me. Me was pushed down. Broken and abused.

I wanna kill myself because I don't think I'll ever have that love. That safety. Someone I can open myself up to. Show all my scars and have embrace me. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to kill myself because im tired of pain and suffering. I'm tired of trying my hardest when it feels like multiple people trying to smother me. When I feel like theres a hurricane in my mind.

I wanna kill myself because honestly I feel its the only out. To a peaceful quiet empty place.

I place I don't have to hurt anymore.

I'm not surprised no one wants me though...

I'm just this ugly thing. Not masc enough for most girls. Not feminine enough for others.

Not cute.

Too shy.

I'm just not someone worth noticing and thats okay.

Just try to smile and enjoy pretending to be part of a group. Part of the peoples from works friend group.

Be the person that lifts others up bc thats the only way anyone will keep me around. Is if I'm useful and helpful. Kind and polite. Friendly and understanding.

People will only keep me around if I try my hardest to please. If I give everything and ask for nothing.

I'll never be loved or wanted any other way.

So I'm done.

I'm ready to go.

Let me not awake from my sleep.

Let me rest in peace.

[lunarmochi]

dream talk

tw assault (?) scare, s*icide ideation

i just woke up, and it looks like i had a depth-y one, since i was drooling on my pillow and woke up late.

i... think i had a hurt/comfort dream.

i forget the context, but i was at a sort of party with a lot of people. at some sort of a large hotel with multiple floors.

the places in this dream feel... like i've seen them in other dreams, but they're upgraded.

i think i was playing around with some of the elevator buttons and ended up going to this one floor. it was a glass balcony with the elevator in the middle. bc of the shape of the elevator, there were two wide sections on the balcony, and two narrow sections.

there were a lot of shady people in the narrow section, which scared me, but i think i had no choice but to go through there. and as expected, someone grabbed my arm and tried pulling me away. i don't remember how i felt, but i must've been terrified.

luckily, some stranger pulled me away and wrote it off as him looking for me. i played along and thanked him, as we walked away. he gently pushed me in the elevator, and i quickly went to another floor.

comfort part

i don't remember what happened, but later on, i ended up in the elevator with two other people. we were all sitting on some sort of bench in the elevator and going to different floors so no one would walk in. it was silly.

one of the people in there, the one next to me, was a celebrity of sorts? but.. it wasn't even a romantic dream. it was just me having a breakdown, laying my head on their soldier and venting about my problems. talking about my problems with my mom and how i can't talk about any of my crippling mental health with her. and how i just want to die already, but i can't even tell her. i just say there a while, crying, as the two of them quietly listened to me. who the other person was is fading away.

then, he... the former person... he basically said "you've gone through so much shit. you've gone through a lot, and you don't know how to handle it. just let me help you, alright? i'll take care of everything else, i just want you to rest and relax." i kept crying and apologizing that he had to do so much work because of me, but he shushed me and said it was alright. that it's alright to ask for help and comfort.

the dream took a weird turn, but i remember turning into a small mouse and going around on someone's head. it was to hide from my mom during dinner, though i don't remember why i would even risk it in the first place. i think it was another celebrity. i tried just sleeping and not moving much, while they took care of me and fed me little bits of food. i remember it being scary to try and keep my mom from noticing it was me.

then, it's a blur and i remember having fun in a small room with a lot of people i'm not in mouse form anymore. we were singing karaoke, i think, and just being silly. until, my mom suddenly tries kicking down the door. she keeps trying, and we look at ourselves in fear. i eventually suck it up and open the door, as she screams and yells at me. i don't remember much of what she said.

then, it's another blur. suddenly i'm in a river/canal with this.. vtuber person? it's no one i watch, surprisingly. i was in another depressive state and just in the water. they come up to me with this boat and are like "come on, let me pull you around" and they joke that i'm heavy, but pull me around easily. it turns into another moment of me venting about my problems and crying, while they listen and let me lay on their lap. i forget if the lap part actually happened.

then... that's where the dream ends. or at least, what i remember of it.

i woke up feeling incredibly depressed and lethargic, and am still feeling that as i'm curled up in bed typing this on my phone. my only thought, reflecting on my dream, was "i hate it here." i hate my dreams for reflecting what i need most of. for reflecting my problems and providing actual help for them, whether it was useful or not.

i hate still being able to feel how safe and comforted and warm i felt while being listened to and doted on. the feeling of someone telling me "i don't want to see you in so much pain anymore, let me take care of you." i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. just when i'd accepted that i might be alone with no friends for the rest of my life, my dream throws that at me.

starting off the day much more horribly than i thought.

[emeralddaydream]

𝙺𝚒𝚝 𝚃𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚂𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍

Kit x Fem!Reader

A/N: So, this wasn't what I'd planned on posting next, but I've been going through some things, and my brain has just not been cooperating. Sigh. But, I've been in a very dad!character mood lately, so I thought I'd give y'all some more of my take on dad!Kit bc I love him💜 I hope you like it!!

Your daughter’s only seven months old when she gets ill for the first time.

Being that you and Kit are both first-time parents, the entire experience is beyond overwhelming.

You're awoken in the morning, not long after Kit leaves for work, to the sound of her cries. She doesn't stop for hours, eventually tiring herself out enough to fall asleep.

While she’s down, you decide to make a quick phone-call to Kit.

You don’t call him at work very often, but you're worried; you hate seeing your baby so upset.

“Hey, sugar.” Kit presses the phone into his shoulder so that he can wipe some grease on his pants, before taking the receiver in his hands again. “What’s up?”

“Kit, it’s Y/D/N.” You’re pacing back and forth in the kitchen, tugging at the phone cord anxiously. “I think something’s wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Kit does his best to hide the alarm in his voice, but you're not fooled.

“She’s had a cough since this morning, wouldn't stop crying, I've never seen her like this... She’s finally asleep now, but I took her temperature before putting her down, and she’s definitely got a fever.” You’re trying hard to keep your tears at bay, but your bottom lip is quivering, panic beginning to set in. “What do I do?”

“Grab your jacket.” You hear Kit pull away from the phone for a moment, hear his muffled words as he speaks to someone. “Y/N? I’ll be there in ten minutes to pick you up. We’ll take her to the hospital.”

The baby wakes as soon as you pick her up from her crib, whimpering and whining the entire ride to the hospital.

Kit does his best to comfort her while also paying attention to the rode. He tells her over and over again that everything's going to be okay, occasionally reaching a hand out to stroke her pudgy little arms.

As soon as you arrive a the hospital, the baby's reaching for Kit, and he happily takes her in his arms as the three of you are led to a private room where you're told that a nurse will be with you shortly.

Kit leans back one of the chairs in the corner, the baby resting against his chest, looking up at her father with beautiful brown eyes that match his own.

While Kit has a hushed conversation with the baby, you move to a small shelf against the wall, grabbing a few of picture books before returning to your seat.

After the nurse arrives to take the baby's vitals, the two of you take turns reading to her while you await the doctor.

She really doesn't have any idea what either of you are saying, but is engaged all the same, simply enjoying the sounds of your voices, even letting out a few strained giggles of her own.

By the time Kit finishes the third book, her eyes are drooping, and she's nearly asleep again when the doctor knocks softly, before opening the door.

It doesn't take him long at all to figure out what the issue is; your baby has gotten her first cold.

You let out a relieved sigh at the diagnosis, knowing that this will at least be an easy fix, and that as long as you follow doctor's orders, your little one should be feeling better in no time.

When you arrive back home, the baby's more than ready to eat so you feed her and give her a quick bath before handing her off to Kit, who changes her into a cozy pair of pajamas.

You take the opportunity to take a quick shower of your own, and when you make your way back into your daughter's room, your heart nearly melts.

"Well, what do we have here?" you ask, stepping quietly over to the rocking chair where Kit sits, your daughter in his arms. She smiles sleepily as he hums soothing tunes in her ear.

"We're waitin' for you to come say goodnight, momma," he smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek when you lean down to grab onto her tiny hand.

"Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you," you whisper, reaching out to move to some hair that's fallen onto her forehead, quickly noticing the change in her temperature. "Her fever's gone down." You sigh in relief as Kit yawns, running a hand gently along her back as her eyelids get heavier. "Maybe she'll feel better in the morning."

"I hope so. I hated seeing her so upset today." He recalls how upset she'd been when he'd picked the two of you up this afternoon, a frown on his face.

"You did such a good job taking care of her, though You always do." You smile at the sound of your daughter's gentle snores, her little face burrowing into Kit's neck. "You really are the best dad, you know that?"

"And you're the best mom," he replies, pressing a loving kiss to your lips before carefully lifting himself from the chair so that he lay the baby down. As the two of you stand there, watching the little angel, Kit's hand pressed against yours on the railing of her crib, you're overcome with a sense of adoration for the both of them; you're thankful to whatever or whoever decided to bless you with the perfect little family.

taglist: @americxn, @kitwalker64, @elaineygrace, @milly-louise, @liandav, @therenlover, @tatestripedsweater, @kitwalker02, @undeadcortez, @sallyscigarettes, @xmaximoffic, @samsassinparvismagna, @billyhxrgrove, @mossybank, @slightlyvicked, @ronswansonsburntoffeyebrows, @spider-starry, @divinerulerluvr, @ikkleroniekins, @auricgold, @sanni333 (please fill out this form if you'd like to be added/removed here)

[katebihshop]

not to be Overdramatic but do you think if i got hit by a car i’d be able to get an extension on this assignment? asking for a friend

[winchesterwitch07]

i have a physics exam tomorrow

the first physics exam of the year

I've been feeling sucky recently (i was sick and there was the usual family drama) and i fell into my old pattern of planning rigorously, getting overwhelmed, wasting my time, and hating myself for it

I'm trying really hard to stop letting bad things completely mess me up bc no matter how justified i might be in crying and feeling absolutely fucking terrible, i can't let it stop me from doing what i need to do, because i can't just wait till I get better or take time for self care because I'd have to be doing that constantly because literally every time i step out of my room the life is drained out of me and i go back on the verge of tears. Not to mention the fact that I've been stifling all of this and I'm constantly dehydrated. I'm snapping way faster bc all of my family's shit is just getting to me rn like it's never ending. I can't grab a bun without my mom yelling at me because she wants to know everything i eat and when so she can control me like I'm her prisoner. I'm tired of doing literally anything and having my brother call me useless. I'm so fucking tired of people acting like they care and being nice and fun but the second I'm not exactly what they want they tear me to pieces and they have been doing this for years but now it feels like my walls are crumbling...like okay it's like all this while I've been building a wall and they've been hacking at it from the other side, exhausting but balanced. Now it's like they got a bulldozer somehow and are sitting on the other side laughing and drinking and having fun and im frantically trying to protect myself but i keep getting bruises and having to hush hush and get back to work or I'd die and-

You get it

I need to stop letting them get to me

I don't know how

For now my strategy is to listen to the appropriate playlist and pretend like I'm in a movie bc in movies when you're almost dead you get an epic montage and/or fight scene so

*sigh*

Here's what imma do:

I'm gonna get some water. In a fancy mug so I'll drink it.

I'm gonna get some back up water so i don't have to leave.

I'm gonna get an apple so i don't have to leave my room when i get hungry in an hour

I'm gonna turn the ac on bc cold somehow means study!

I'm gonna get those cookies out of my room and clear my desk bc studying on my bed with the little tiny desk isn't helping cause i jsut push it away with my earth hands and the tables gone and I'm just in bed with a phone so

Clear top of my desk so i can sit there

Instruct family members to stay out (we'll see how thst goes, the ge...how do you spell that... hot water thing..is in my room)

And there's quite a few non exam things i need to do since I've missed a week of school being sick and that's very overwhelming but I've declared it all not my priority rn

I'm gonna do physics, make sure i can do well tomorrow

And hopefully

HOPEFULLY, I'll be able to do my english notes bc i was supposed to submit them like so long ago but i was sick but i like my english teacher and i don't want her to be mad you know

Okay folks

That's the plan

send me good vibes and some..some nice ice water...or strawberries

[leyyvi]

Ley! Ley! I’m just so sgisiskandlsjekksnddm. The whole time I was reading the chapter I was smooshing my face against my phone! I kept going from holding back tears to trying not to giggle like a school girl! It was an emotional overload! This chapter killed me. I couldn’t handle how touching it was.

Levi opening up just a little more and kissing your hand! I just died at all the hand attention in this chap. Also 🥺 holding you while you ugly cry. And that meltdown the reader had hit so close to home, I felt so exposed reading that! and then Levi just encouraging reader to be happy. Like your cracking my fucking heart open like an egg. It’s just making a gooey mess here. 

How scared Levi was. Like how he keeps reminding himself that he has to TRY. He has to open up because what’s even worse then being rejected is losing whatever it is that you let him have bdkkshdkshejemksjensn

But I love how reader had no idea what the tattoo meant! Like low key if that was me id be like ??? I wasn’t teasing your tits this whole time cause what? of a tattoo? Sounds like wasted time to me. (I’m sorry I have to use humor to deflect how much this made me feel.) Also just getting to wash with Levi and molding yourself to him and him feeling skin on a place he hasn’t allowed almost like a form of punishment! But reader is so tender with him!

Laying with him in bed and just talking was so therapeutic. Like this whole chapter was! It was like taking the biggest breath of fresh air. Also my money is his first love being Furlan. But I just love how open he was in this chapter and just while being open with the reader is easier than other people it’s still a choice. One he’s not taking lightly. I’m just laying on the floor trying to keep it together while he opens up more and more. Also how reader checks if what he’s doing is normal for these arrangements and it’s not but they can’t let themselves hope or assume!

But then the domestic day! Ley! Ley! I’m turning to mush with all this fluff. I can’t tell you how many times I re-read breakfast with Levi. Making sure he doesn’t fall off the ladder like it’s nothing but it’s something. Its everything! It’s showing the reader cares! Without even thinking she’s takes care of him! And he’s not had that since his mom! Where someone cares about him and doesn’t make him feel like it’s a chore- HES A CHORE. or even something that can be compromised. It just is!

The nail! I’m just 🥺. THE NAIL MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN THE FIANL NAIL IN MY COFFIN. Babygirl him. He deserves it. He needs to be loved and wanted and treated so tenderly. Specking of tenderly the soft touches from playing with his sleeve to the creasing the hip. It’s so SO MUCH. It’s got so much MUCH-NESS! Like the way this chapter made my heart explode and even thinking back on it my chest is filling and I’m smiling. But you sent me to Nirvana when he asked the reader to stay! 😍

CHRIS!!!!!!!! I've grown obsessed with writing about hands and perhaps I've gone a bit overboard at times but AHDFJ

He appreciates her so much :( can't even handle losing the hold on her hand for a second. Can't even deal with the fact that she might be mad at him :(((( He is baby. Precious baby boy :(

YOUR BIT ABOUT THE TATTOO HAHA. I totally get you omg dfhjskdjfh WASTED TIME LMAO pleaaaseee. dfkjhsdf Idly chatting in bed is just gfjkddfhjgnj the cuddling..low voices and whispers :(( it makes me melt. It makes me so soft help. INTERESTINGGGG theory with Farlan hehe so I'm hearing a few for Erwin and then a couple for Farlan...very interesting...

FDGHDFJKGH I wanted to cry over the ladder part just bc.. :(( the first time reader was on the ladder and Levi helped her and now :(( SHE'S doing it for him AGH <333 THE CHORE OH MY GOD I'm on the verge of tears rn Chris, it's like you KNOW what I'm going for so well istg you're in my brain!!! ;;;;;;;;

THE NAILLLLLLLLLL IS MY FAAAVEEEEEEEEEEE <3 Just seeing a glimpse of a tiny lil shiny gem on his pinky when he's pulling out his phone or something SOBBINGGG. (I was dying to keep writing past the last line but I will save more for the upcoming chapters dhfjsjkghfkjg)

CHRIS. THANK YOU SO much for such thoughtful inputs and comments as always. THey always mean so much to me. I truly smiled so so much while reading it. Ilu ;; <33333 thank you for reading <3333

[sckyie]

song: driver’s license by olivia rodrigo

word count: 2.5k

genre + warnings: angst; swearing, fear of driving, reminiscing in old memories

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: this was orignially supposed to just be an imagine inspired by the song, not apart of the song series but it fits too well to not change oikawa’s song. i also wrote this for @kybabi​​ bc i love her :D n e wayz enjoy :) (part 2)

"So here you're going to turn and he'll make you do a parallel park in the street. You remember how to do that right?" Oikawa asked as he guided you to the next turn. As you turn the steering wheel, you spot a crowded curbside.

"No, can you please please park for me? I hate parallel parking," You pleaded.

"Only because you asked so nicely," He teased.

Ever since you told your best friend that you wanted to learn how to drive, Oikawa never let it go whenever you wanted to hang out. Having you drive him around for practice and giving you tips as you went. He's helped you a ton while you drove around, the only issues you had were parallel parking and merging onto the highway.

"Maybe we should try the highway again," Oikawa said after you two switched seats.

"Are you asking for a death wish?" You joked. "I drive too slow and I'm scare to merge into lanes."

"We can practice on smaller freeways if you want," He asks.

"No," You growled.

It was always a terrifying thing to drive on the highway. You always saw those horrid accidents and feared being in one. Oikawa would always put his hand on your thigh as you merged to calm you down. Just having him be there was enough to get you to get onto the highway. All your fears just faded with him beside you.

Just having this intimate driving lesson with him was enough for you. You grew to fall in love in your best friend. A cliché thing, yet you couldn't say anything. Only you and your girl friends knew about your big crush. It was a funny thing, falling for your childhood best friend. Iwaizumi always joked about you doing so but you never admitted to liking Oikawa. What would that do to your friendship?

Today was the day, it was your test day. The scariest thing you anticipated was finally here. The thing you practiced days on end with Oikawa. The thing that could either make or break you. Today, you'd either come out with your license or you'll be walking home.

The nerves crept up your body like spiders leaving a trail of anxiety webs. You bounced you leg as you waited in the lobby looking out for your driving instructor. As your sweaty palms go to check the time, you notice a text message from Oikawa.

butthead: hey! good luck on your test today!

That's what cooled you down. A simple saying of good fortune will help, right? Sure enough, the test was a breeze, minus the parallel parking as it was the one mistake you got. You happily drove home to tell the news to your parents.

"Have you told Tooru yet?" Your mom asked.

"I'll wait until my actual driver license to prove to him I got it," You smiled.

"You like him don't you?" Your mom gestured to the joy on your face. "I can tell."

"No," You looked away from your mom as she raised her eyebrow. "Okay, maybe but you can't say anything. I'm going to my room now." She chuckled as you dragged you feet to your room.

Two weeks passes and you finally received your license in the mail. You smiled happily down at your new card as you walked outside the school building. You looked up to search for your best friend. Your eyes scanned the courtyard before landing on Iwaizumi. Assuming Oikawa was nearby, you headed towards him.

"Hey Iwa, where's Oiks?" You asked. Iwaizumi raised up his hand and pointed across to the gate. You looked over to find Oikawa talking to Kasumi, a classmate of yours.

"He's asking her to go on a date with him again," Iwaizumi says.

Again? He's done it before?

"Are they dating?" You ask.

"Not yet, Oikawa wants to ask her to be his girlfriend on the date," Iwa explains. "What's that?" He points to your hands as you fiddled with the corner of your driver's license.

"Oh," You said solemnly. "I got my license."

You waved goodbye to your childhood friend before going into he parking lot. Without thinking, you started the car and just began to drive. Out of the school and onto who knows where. Your mind grew blank as you drove.

How could he not mention Kasumi to you? He used to tell you everything but lately he'd been so distant. Maybe that's why he hasn't texted you all week, you thought. Who could blame him for liking Kasumi? She's so pretty and not to mention how smart she is. She's the class representative and she's one of the nicest girls around.

You fell for the one man you shouldn't have. It was too late to even confess how you felt. He was already falling for another while you were left behind. You felt a sharp pain in your chest as you drove by familiar buildings.

The laundromat where you and Oikawa would go to help with the laundry. You both would end up messing around and your parents would have to kick you two out. You and Oikawa would go across the street to the convenience store to buy steamed buns.

He doesn't like you.

The library where you would wait for Oikawa to finish practice so you two could study together. He'd bring you a bottle of tea and some sort of snack to keep you from burning out. Those study dates where you'd stay until the library was closed.

Give up, stop thinking of him.

The ramen restaurant where Oikawa would take you if he won a game. It was a great celebration and you two had made so many memories there. You two had gone there so often, he convinced the owner that you were his girlfriend.

Let him go.

All the feelings you had for him began to ache in your heart as you reminisced in the memories. You gripped tighter on the wheel as you saw an highway exit. "Fuck," You whispered as you merged into the fast lane. Suddenly all those fears you had of driving, just disappeared. You felt this peace as your eyes locked on the long highway. It was like, nothing hurt anymore. Your tensed shoulders relaxed, yet you felt tears roll down your cheeks. You took deep breaths as you drove attempting to stop your tears.

Soon enough, driving on the highway had shifted from a phobia to an escape. Everyday after school, rather than meeting up with Oikawa and Iwaizumi before practice, you'd drive on the highway and on backroads. It was the only thing that kept you sane when you see Kasumi with Oikawa together.

You became accustomed to the fast pace of the highways. Occasionally you'd speed if you felt some type of pain grow in your chest. You'd blast music to drown out any thoughts or feelings you had. You knew Oikawa could never be yours, so why bother crying over him, right? The thought of being around him began to make you uncomfortable. If you kept your distance, you wouldn't get hurt. You wouldn't be considered a distraction.

butthead: hey?

you: what's up?

butthead: it's been a while since i've seen you :( i miss my best friend

you: are you sure you mean to text me or iwa?

butthead: you, y/n i miss hanging with you

butthead: you didn't come to the restaurant after our game

you: i was busy, sorry

butthead: :(

you: i gotta go, ill talk to you later

Oikawa sighed at his phone and looked across the table to Iwaizumi. "Have you talked to Y/n lately?" He asked.

"Yeah, she borrowed gas money from me," Iwa says before slurping his noodles.

"Gas money? She got her license?" Oikawa tilts his head. "How long has it been?"

"A month? You got caught up with Kasumi," Iwaizumi says.

"Hmph," Oikawa huffed as he sipped his drink. He'd been spending so much time with Kasumi that he forgot about you. Or was it, you started to forget about him? He glances at the window behind Iwa and noticed a familiar car parking.

You parked your car across the street of the restaurant next to a convenience store. You quickly got out and went into the store looking for something to drink. As you began to scan the fridge, you heard the door open. "Y/n?" You turned to find Oikawa.

"What are you doing here?" You turned back to grab a soda.

"Iwa came to eat with me since you didn't make it," Oikawa says. "He's still there, did you want to join us?"

"No thanks, I'm kinda busy at the moment," You say dully. Oikawa goes to speak but you had already walked to go pay for your drink. "Later Oikawa."

"Oikawa?" He watched as you left the store and into your car. He follows suit and watched you speed off. Oikawa quickly makes his way back to the restaurant and seats himself disgruntled. "Y/n called me Oikawa..."

"That's your name isn't it?" Iwaizumi raised his eyebrow.

"She always calls me Oiks or Ru, never Oikawa," He says. "Did I do something wrong?"

Iwaizumi shrugged even though he knew the answer well enough. After Oikawa had asked Kasumi to be his girlfriend, your demeanor had changed. Iwa was the first to notice too. Typically, after school you'd see the duo before practice started, yet since you learnt Oikawa had eyes for another, you stopped.

One day, Iwaizumi decided to follow after you when school was over. He trailed behind as you walked to your car door. You pulled open the door handle only for Iwa to shut the door immediately after. You turned to find Iwaizumi with scrunched eyebrows. "What's wrong with you?" He asked. "Why haven't you came by before practice?"

"No reason, I'm just busy," You lied.

"Liar, what's wrong?" He asks yet you remained silent. "I won't tell Shittykawa just tell me why you're being so distant...and also why your eyes are always puffy."

You paused before answering, "I'm just...upset with Oikawa...and Kasumi.."

"Do you..?" Iwaizumi implied. You nod and looked at the ground. "What have you been doing since you found out about them?"

"Driving," You sighed. "Just driving...It's keep me off my mind all week. I bear the fact that he looks so happy with her and not...me. God I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that-" Iwa started but you immediately lashed out.

"It's true! I was too late to confess! And I fell for the one boy I can't have!" You felt tears well up in your eyes. "I can't even drive by certain places without getting upset. I take backroads and I avoid them completely. I hate driving by his house but it's the only way to my own. He just treats me like another fucking fan girl! I'm just so stupid for falling for my best friend." Since that day, Iwaizumi kept to his promise. Not word about your feelings were said to Oikawa.

butthead: hey are you busy right now ?

you: no, what's up?

butthead: can you help me with something?

you: depends

butthead: meet me at the library so i can tell you more :)

You locked you phone and tossed it into your passenger's seat. You looked up to see the light change to green, allowing you to speed into the highway. Your hands rested at the bottom of the wheel as you drove. The slow, lo-fi music surrounded your car as you drove which let you get out of your trapped mind.

It was a crazy thought to think that you and Oikawa were so excited to drive together. Yet now all you want to do is drive alone. You turned up the volume of your music as you merged into your neighborhood. You leaned further back into your seat as you were driving around the suburbs. You glance at the white cars lining one street leading to the library. You scoffed at the sight as a repressed memory resurfaced.

"Why do you like white cars so much?" You chuckled.

"Because they look clean and nice? Sorry I don't like your basic silver car," Oikawa raised his hand to block your face.

"I'm basic? Says the one who wants an automatic," You pretend to throw up to mock him.

"For someone who can't drive yet, you talk big," Oikawa pats your head only to be smacked a few seconds late. Oikawa drapes his arm over you as you walked down the street to the library The entire walk was filled with mocking and talking about the future. "Let me teach you how to drive, that way we could go out together more."

You finally arrived at the library, spotting Oikawa before parking the car. He watches as you easily parallel park and is stunned by how casual you are as you drove. You set out and approach him. Oikawa holds out a snack to you but you politely refuse.

"Let's go inside?" He asks. You shrugged and followed him in. Rather than sitting beside him like usual, you sat across from him. You still had those feelings for him but you couldn't stand sitting next to him. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you anticipated his next words. "I was wondering if you could help me with Kasumi?"

Ouch.

"With what?" You ask.

"I want to give her a gift, right?" He starts. "A gift that goes along with me telling her I love her."

He loves her?

Your heart aches but you decide to move past that. "Isn't it a bit early to say I love you?"

"Well, we were long time friends before we started dating and I feel like it's the right time to, y'know?" Oikawa leans forward on the table. "Can you help me find a gift?"

This feels familiar. Helping him find a gift for a girl that isn't you. It seems like anytime he does have a crush he'd come to you for advice. This is the first time that you didn't want to give into his favors.

"No," You sighed.

"No? Wait why not?" He raised his eyebrows at you.

"Because," Say it. "Because I-"

"Because?" Oikawa tilts his head at your response.

"Because I can't keep doing things like this for you," You stood up and began heading for the entrance. Oikawa followed afterwards as he could see the pain in your voice.

"Y/n, talk to me, we haven't talked in forever. Tell me what's wrong," He says as you exit the library. You ignore his voice and reached for your car door. He grabs your arm but you shove him off.

"Would you just- leave me alone?" You snapped. "I don't want to help you, okay?"

"What did I do?" Oikawa was beyond confused at your response.

"I- You- Ugh! Just go away, I don't want to see you!" Your voice cracked as the suppressed feelings began to rise again.

"Why not!" Oikawa grabbed your arm again, this time you weren't able to break free.

"Because I fucking loved you idiot!" You yelled. Hot tears streamed down your cheeks as you stopped struggling in his hold. Oikawa paused and stared at you in wonder.

"You...loved me?" He asked.

"I still fucking love you! God, I hate you- I just- Let go!" You pulled off him. "I'm leaving. If you try to stop me, I'm never speaking to you again." You wiped your tears as you entered your car. Driving off into the neighborhood, crying at the red lights knowing you could've ruined your whole friendship.

Oikawa watched as you sped off. Those words lingered in his ear as he stared down at his hand where you let go. His mind was lost in thought, how could his best friend love him? Was he that blind that he couldn't see your admiration? "She...loves me?" He thought.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme​ @d0llpie​ @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

[alwayscryingoverdannyb]

hi

I'm Mary and I am exhausted.

this morning I got a call from my mom that my uncle died. him and our aunt were like second parents to us when we were kids.. I had no idea he was even sick and now he's gone and it's just so hard to believe it's forever..

when I picked up the phone and mom said it's "very important", I thought it was about dad. but this blindsided me completely. and when I heard what happened, I was just 'oh no that's WORSE'

I couldn't decide whether to go home or stay at work but my colleagues were amazing help and working kept my mind occupied with something, so I stayed.

it's thursday evening and this week has already felt like 8 days.. I've already clocked in 5 days' worth of hrs at my job, with another 10hrs on top of that doing my side hustle. and everybody keeps telling me to slow down but at least it fills up the pandemic-induced void that's been growing bigger and bigger. I guess it gives me some sense of agency in a time when I feel like I have no control over anything else in my life.

I've been crying on and off all day so I'm nursing an absolute bitch of a headache. my only solace is that he was in a medically induced coma and basically never woke up so he wasn't conscious and didn't know he was alone -.- also my aunt has two sons and 6 amazing grandchildren who are keeping her company and helping her through everything.

I have the next week off bc I just needed a break and I'm trying to think of things to do so that I don't go crazy. I'll be planting herbs and I'll try to go for long walks but we'll see how it goes -.-