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thingthatoncewastruee · 16 days

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i'll leave (a light on)

The stage lights flash over Sirius's skin and the open air in the arena suddenly feels thin and muted. Performing under the bright eyes of hundreds of adoring fans with some of the best friends he's ever had: Peter, Marlene and Dorcas. He’s at the height of his career, the band has taken off, they're on the band's first international tour. It's everything he's always wanted. So Sirius should feel at the top of the world right now, should be happy but what is there to feel behind a mask you painted meant to show that you feel nothing?

Bought a bunch of makeup

Just trying to cover up my face

He looks into his lap and fiddles his thumbs just to do something, to work up the nerve to say what he came here to. Where do you find the courage to break a heart? "I can't do this anymore." He says it slowly and sighing, but it's a sharp taste. Possibly finally more than Sirius can take in a lifetime. "What do you mean?"

Bought a new prescription

To try and stay calm

But there's always something missing

There's always something in the mirror

That I think looks wrong

His lungs start to burn as his throat swells and voice rasps yet gorgeously compliments the song. The crowd's roaring seeps through his earpiece but he can still hear the buzzing. The annoying wasp of Walburga whispering in his ear when he was young and easily manipulated that beauty was pain; that they were one in the same. Sirius doesn't feel beautiful with hot salty tears sparkling on his cheeks. Doesn't think anyone watching tonight would see a radiance in his silent heartache.

Pretty isn't pretty enough anyway

"You know what I mean, Sirius." Barty was dancing around something Sirius didn't want to acknowledge, so obviously he wasn't going to help. Crouch had to summon his own courage, Sirius had none to spare. "I can't be with you. I know you see it, even worse you feel it and yet," Barty blows out a suffering sigh that leaves his chest caved in. "You let me stay; you let me hurt you."

Sirius winds a hand through his long curls and lifts his head to watch the ceiling fan spin around. "You're not hurting me, Bat." Crouch jumps onto his feet from where he's sat next to Sirius on the sofa.

"Bullshit! Black. You're not just lying to yourself now, you're lying to me too. You know that lies and I never fare well."

It's in my head

It's in the boys I bring to bed

It's all around

It's all the time and I don't know why I even try

The crowd is still raging from the surprise song signifying the end of the concert. They're all screaming their hearts out, probably trying to embed this night into their minds; some happy memory to pull up on a bad day. Sirius never wants to remember this night. Doesn't want to ever recall this bareness; raw and defenceless.

I could try every lipstick in every shade

But I always feel the same

"I can't just come over and pretend that being here and with you isn't eating at me, Sirius. I can't live in this delusion."

"If you knew that why the fuck did you let it drag on for 5 months? Why did you let me believe I could have this? WHY DID YOU LIE?!" Sirius's voice grew louder and louder. With his rage came grief and more anger to disguise it.

"I didn't lie, Sirius, I told you from the moment this started that I wasn't ready!"

"You haven't said anything since! Was I wrong to think that maybe this was working?!"

"YES!"

None of it matters and none of it ends

You just feel like shit over and over again

Oh it'll never change

As the ending chords to the final song fly out the speakers surrounding the arena, Sirius makes his way to the platform that'll bring him beneath the stage. Away from the lights, the crowd, the pressure, the thinning air, the heat, the cheers but not the heartache.

The silence stretches for a buzzing moment, the anger and anxiety becoming something sombre and desolate. "Why now, Barty?"

Crouch slides his arms around Sirius, unreciprocated because there's something in Sirius like a light switch gone off. A skill learned after years and years of having to hide everything he ever was in that wretched house. Hiding because no one could be trusted, no one except Regulus.

No one but Regulus, and Mary, and Peter.

"My mother taught me a lot about love, but I don't think I've ever really gotten the romance bit. Between the movies, and the marriages, and the loves, and the lies it's so hard to even begin to tell what I'm supposed to be feeling." He sighs.

"I've known you since we were yay-high, Sirius" Barty holds his hands about half a metre off the ground smiling fondly. I always kind of thought we'd have a love like the novels and movies. We'd grow up and fall in love and it would be you and me, always. But we did grow up and I still can't love you like that even though I want to. Trying to is eating at me and regardless whether you see it or not, it's eating at you too."

Barty pulls away slowly, slipping his hands from Sirius's back down his arms then further down to hold his hands.

"I love you, Sirius. I always have, I always will but not the way you want. We can't love each other like this." Barty gets himself up to walk the little hallway to the front door but stops with his hand on the doorknob when he hears Sirius start talking again.

"Well, you got what you wanted; a love like the movies. You asked for something fake and you got what you asked for." Sirius's voice echoes through the walkway from the living room.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." Barty utters as he leaves.

The click of that door locking is a changeless and unceasing echo in Sirius's mind like the ringing in his ears. That was nearly three months ago before he and the band left on their All American tour.

He takes his final bow as the platform descends under the stage. He stares out in front of him at nothing in particular. Stays frozen until the platform stops completely. The walk to his dressing room is a blank memory along with every conversation along the way, unlocking his dressing room door. Doesn't remember standing in the doorway to closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Or the mechanic movements to switch out of costume into a big, comfy maroon sweater and soft black leggìngs. From the deep breaths to lying on the floor in the middle of the room was entirely of his subconscious.

Sirius hasn't clicked back into place yet. He is still insensate when Peter comes in a short while later and lies next to him. They both watch the ceiling fan turn and try to follow one of its blades before their eyes can't keep up anymore. Then listen so his pocket watch tick for what feels like forever. Sirius wonders what it would be like to have certainty in life. To know what is coming, when to move, what to do. Wishes he could just have something consistent but nothing seems to stick.

The only love that ever stuck was his family. Reggie, Andy, Peter, Mary, Marls, Cas and Minnie. There is, of course, Peter's very big, very Colombian family. Not to say Sirius doesn't have room in his life for love and romance, but how much more heartache and heartbreaks can you take until you run out of heart?

"Sirius?" Peter whispers after a few minutes. Forever isn't a particularly long time anyway. When he gets no response he starts humming a familiar beat. It catches Sirius's attention which means it did its job. He can't quite pinpoint it and then it all falls into place and he starts to hum along.

"She ain't got no money,"

"Her clothes are kind of funny," Sirius scrunches his nose.

"Her hair is kinda wild and free." Peter goes on in a whisper then jumps to his feet and hauls Sirius up by his torso. Then twirls him around and ruffles his hair. "Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes," Sirius continues. "And nobody knows–"

"LI-i-i-Ike MeEee." Peter belts out before he changes out the final note for a screeching high pitch.

"Aagh, oh, stop! Stop! Please! I get it!" Sirius clamps a hand over Peter's mouth and he stops abruptly. It takes a good second for Peter to shut up, but he eventually does. "If I let go–" Sirius glares at him head on. "Gross. Real mature." Peter giggles behind his hand, so Sirius lets him go to wipe his hand off on Pete's face.

Prolonged eye contact.

The dressing room is silent while Peter slowly pulls something out his back pocket. They're in a staring contest so Sirius doesn't look to see what it is. That is before he gets sprayed in the face with a mini water gun. "Down, Bessie."

Sirius wipes the liquid from his eyes but some gets in his mouth and it tastes... strange. "Is this," he licks his upper lip and Peter raises a brow comically like he's crazy. "Why are you tasting it?" He asks through a laugh.

"Is this my fucking rice water?" He ends, his mouth hanging open. "What? Did you think I didn't know why your hair's so shiny? With your incestuous bloodline you should be balding right now but," Peter scoffs and shakes the spray bottle. "Here we are."

Sirius wheezes out, "You motherfucker."

"Not yours though." He snips back quickly. Sirius runs his tongue across the line of his teeth and looks down at their feet. He looks up and accidentally makes eye contact. Peter shakes his head, "Not even for your Make a Wish,” before they both start cackling.

That's when Dorcas walks in to find Sirius curled up on the floor wheezing and Peter giggling with an arm against the wall. She scans the room for something, but seems to come up short. "Are you guys high on helium again?" It has the opposite intended effect because it just makes them more manic. Hands on her hips, she says, "Don't make me call Minnie." Marlene pops her head under Cas's arm to take a peek inside. "No! No, don't call Minnie," Peter gets out through his fit of giggles. "We're not on helium."

"Why's Black on the floor barking his left lung out then?" Marls asks, making her way on the floor next to him.

Sirius tries his best to wheeze through an explanation. "I called Petey a motherfucker and he said–"

"Not yours though." Peter adds while he slides down the wall. Dorcas hangs her head with a smile and Marlene absolutely loses it.

Sirius grips her by the thigh, wheezing for air. "Marley, Marls. He said he wouldn't shag Walburga if it was my last cancerous dying wish." Dorcas is hanging on by only her grip on the doorknob. Marlene snorts randomly which acts as the catalyst of their cackles. "You going to tell her how we got there?" Sirius stops laughing and channels his fiercest Walburga glare, "On my dying, laboured breath.”

They then hear heels clicking down the corridor but it's freshly late because Minnie looms over Dorcas, confusion painted on her face. "I don't think I want to know," she mutters, eyeing all of them. "Time to go, the clean up crew wants to get done and get home. Pack your things in and get moving. I haven't got the energy for a pissy Kingsley. He'll take that bus and leave without a moment's notice and you were lucky he didn't get far the last time."

The bus is gone. Sirius is at a gas station. Alone. In the dark. In Texas. He rings Pete. "Why are you calling me from inside the bus?" Peter says cautiously slowly and Sirius chuckles awkwardly. "Oh my– Are you not on the bus?" He hears Peter yell for Minnie to turn the bus around. "Why are you not on the bus?!" Dorcas screeches from the phone. "I told Marls I had to pee!" He hears a tired sigh on the line in the background, probably Peter. Cas yawns, "Sirius, Marley was sleepwalking the entire time." He shrugs and says that he couldn't have known as the bus' headlights flood the street. The door slides out and he's met with an amused and smiling Kingsley, "I knew you weren't on the bus."

His mouth hangs open incredulously. "You bitch." Sirius mutters under his breath and Kingsley starts laughing like he's got endless oxygen.

"Yeah. Lucky."

taglist under the cut

@moonyswarmsweaters @sspadfoot @thingthatoncewastruee @probs-reading @cheekyboybeth

@starving-marauder-lover @yourlocalbadgerscales @taleofapart-timepoet @mirrs-ball @tea-blankets-andstars

@where-is-vivian @amberlink @wastingawayinmyroom @ashes-to-ashesxx @percabeth-trash

@equippedtolove @moon-girl88 @jamespotterbbg @drunktayloratthevmas @labyrinthhofmymind

@s0ggyguts

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thingthatoncewastruee · 16 days

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ladies, gents, bents, non-conformants!

welcome welcome one and all to me posting about my fic and welcome to my mailbox if you want to send me stuff you'd like to see in the fic (i will consider them even if they dont make it to the fic)

this is a band au for the marauders era BUT the original marauders are not the band. let me explain.

Band: Sirius, Peter, Marlene, Dorcas (no band name yet so shoot your shot if you want to)

the marauders era characters have a LOT of different roles here. Regulus and Pandora are dancers, Mary and Peter grew up together & met Remus in highschool in America and did music but now Mary and Remus are somewhat duo singers. (i made Remus southern you'll get why in the fic) Alice is kind of an enigma but we'll get to know her. I'll show you all her colours i promise. Evan manages Mary and Remus and has such a goofy big brother personality. MINERVA the queen that she is, is basically the band's mother/manager. fluffy black brothers!! oh, and andromeda is dead.

i know what you're thinking "where the fuck is james?? lily?? barty??" hehe WELL you're not gonna like this. lily is the villain here and not in a good way. it was a VERY toxic marylily and lily is the Casual girl (chappell roan) ANYWAAAY you're gonna see a LOT of that BUT she does have her redemption arc. i think. maybe.

barty broke up with sirius 2 months before the beginning of the fic (which starts on their american tour at the last couple concerts) they grew up together, its very bittersweet, might give you heartburn. AGAIN redemption arc, they do have a heart-to-heart.

and uhh james is a very happy very sudden very scandalous surprise

this fic in short is the band through their last leg of the american tour when mary flies out early and sirius asks her to join them for the rest of the tour and the european tour in a couple months. mary and sirius hold each other up through harsh breakups and slowly find new love. the marauders era do a lot of dumb shit make a lot of memories. exes come back and get dragged out, maybe-soulmates enter their lives and life happens all at once. but theyre still just kids and they have a lot of laughs

basically the journey (and reflective of a couple of characters) of their life together. they find love, they find FRIENDSHIP, they find beauty in the little things, they find laughter and peace and passion. this entire fic for me was to discover all the little things, the day to day things that makes life what it is: beautiful. it's filled with jokes and family and bittersweet memories. its those moments you want to remember when you're old in your rocking chair or young on a porch swing. its all the little bright places.

ships & sexualities (let me cook)

alice - aroace bi

peter - aroace bi

mary - lesbian

pandora - pansexual

remus - bisexual

sirius - the gayest man to ever gay

regulus - transmasc gay

james - demispec

dorcas - lesbian

marlene - demisexual

lily - "not a lesbian"

barty - aroallo, gay

evan - transmasc bisexual

mary x pandora = bitterhope/pandamary (my roman empire)

peter x alice = palice (most beautiful qpr to ever qpr in the marauders fandom)

sirius x remus = wolfstar

regulus x james = sunseeker

dorcas x marlene = dorlene (they need something cooler)

evan x barty = rosekiller (gonna happen eventually though i kinda just dunno how)

i'm going to post in snips on this blog until i figure out the ao3 tags etc. main blog: @morallyundefined

@moonyswarmsweaters @sspadfoot @thingthatoncewastruee @babygirlsteddie @probs-reading @labyrinthhofmymind

@cheekyboybeth @starving-marauder-lover @yourlocalbadgerscales @taleofapart-timepoet @mirrs-ball

@tea-blankets-andstars @where-is-vivian @amberlink @wastingawayinmyroom @ashes-to-ashesxx @percabeth-trash

@equippedtolove @moon-girl88 @starregulus @siriusly-insane @jamespotterbbg @saintperseus @drunktayloratthevmas

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thingthatoncewastruee · 17 days

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red and blue

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thingthatoncewastruee · 18 days

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'you never read anymore, you used to love reading' and i have 200 safari tabs open. it never stopped it just got weird

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thingthatoncewastruee · 22 days

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i think you look gorgeous in the porchlight's gleam

rosekiller - 3.7k

a little rosekiller for the soul

#marauders #ao3 fanfic #rosekiller #writing #evan rosier #barty crouch jr #barty crouch junior #rosekiller fic #rosekiller fanfiction

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thingthatoncewastruee · 23 days

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thingthatoncewastruee · 23 days

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‘Heart’— @rosekillermicrofic — 433 words

Evan’s secret hangs above him like a dagger. As he sleeps, as he lays awake, it threatens to drop into his skull, lodging itself there. He’s had a fair few secrets in his life, but this is one that occupies his mind and consumes his body.

Evan’s secret is Barty. They’re best friends, and Evan doesn’t wish to jeopardise anything for his own gain. Pandora knew about this; she knew about everything, bless her. She often encouraged Evan to talk to Barty about it, saying that Barty loved him enough to not turn away even if he didn’t reciprocate. She didn’t get it though, he couldn’t just tell him. It was more nuanced than that.

She told him that to get over him, Evan needed to talk about it out loud, so he could listen to the sheer ridiculousness that he spewed. Evan was defensive about this fact. It wasn’t ridiculous to him; it was far from it. He often indulged in talking about him though, despite Pandora’s dismay towards his cowardice.

‘Pandora, you don’t understand. He’s so bloody fit that it makes me physically ill.’ His sister rolls her eyes. ‘It’s not just his body. He’s so funny, and you know I have a weakness for that. God, he’s indescribable.’

‘I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job describing him, Ev.’

‘Sometimes I want him to just look at me so that I can stare at the green in his eyes. Oh my God, don’t get me started on how smart he is. Every time he runs his mouth, an angel dies in Heaven purely because of my thoughts. He makes my heart hurt, Pan.’ It’s the type of pain that starts out as a dull throb, but escalates into a tide ripping through the shore. ‘Sometimes I look at him and I praise whichever God is up there for creating such a man. It’s almost as if he was crafted by His hands and sent down here for one purpose.’

‘Which is?’

‘To torture me in the slowest, most cruel way possible.’ Pandora’s eyes widen slightly, just as Evan feels and arm sliding across his shoulders. He feels the familiar weight of Barty leaning against his torso. He had to force out the vulgarity that was starting to cloud his mind.

‘Whoever this guy is, he seems pretty lucky.’ Evan laughed nervously. ‘But you won’t leave your best friend for a boy, would you, Evan?’ Barty looks down at him, and Evan is practically holding himself up.

‘Course not. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.’

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