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theartoflivingforyourself · 6 years ago

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Let’s backtrack realllyyy quick.

Imagine this, it’s 2014, you’re 19 years old, and you think that you’re invincible to the world. You probably think that you know everything and you probably don’t need any help from your parents at this point. Being a full-time nursing student and reading the positive side on the pregnancy test that I took that day in November, I was soon enlightened that I did not know a thing in regards to life, this world, or even being a parent. I had my entire life ahead of me. Not only was I in a toxic relationship with my sons father at that time but I def wasn’t ready to be a parent. I decided that putting nursing school on hold was what was best for me, since it was a rough pregnancy. But when you work 16 hour days to come home to a so-called “man”, paying all the bills on your own, coming home to an empty house, which I resided with my sons father, so having to cook for myself and do laundry for the next day, it’ll make it a rough pregnancy. I came home after a terrible day one day at work, and my sons father decided that with him sleeping all day and not doing anything around the house, and not having a job, that he could go and spend all night with his buddies doing God knows what. This wasn’t just one time. This was an abundance of times throughout the entire pregnancy. Of course I was unhappy but I myself, Have a grown up in a broken home and it sucked. I remember seeing my mom crying and my parents fighting and the broken hearts and everything in between, so why would I wanna put my son through that? My sons father never kept a job, and never lifted a finger for me. Unless you count the time he laid his hands on me.. but it was just once.

I went to labor with my son at 27 weeks. I know a pregnancy is anywhere from 38 weeks to 40 weeks. He was premature and only weighed 2 pounds and 14 ounces. I was in the hospital with on and off contractions for 16 days before I had him. And then we spent a long 31 days in the neonatal intensive care unit where he was born. Without a pain in the confusion and not being happy with life at all at that time, to this day those days are still blurry. But it was me who stood by my son in that NICU, and I have stood by him every day since. I married my sons father because he was leaving for the army. I feel like at that time as the right thing to do because he was leaving, I had a premature child with him, and benefits would be great. 2 1/2 months after he left for the army he went AWOL. For those of you that don’t know what AWOL means, it basically means that you are running away from the government. Which is very illegal. At the time he went awol, I had no idea that he did, or that he was about to tell me he wanted a divorce. I remember the day that I got a phone call from a sergeant at the base that he was doing his training that, like it was yesterday. I don’t recall his name but I do recall the concern and disappointment he had behind his voice. And number from Virginia called, and I was sitting by my ex-husband at that time. I was kind of confused so I got up and went to Ruby take the phone call. I said “hello?”hello this is Sergeant “So and So” , and I’m looking for Miss Scott. “ me- “this is she”

SSG “I’m looking for your husband.” And I then explained to him that he was here, with me and that he had told me he was graduating from training early and that’s why he’s here. He then told me that was a lie. Furious was an understatement. Not only had this selfish, awful l, disgusting human being lied throughout our entire relationship, but to go so low, that you can’t even finish what you signed up for. I told that SSG exactly where he was. The address we were at and everything. And for me to bust my ass for months while being pregnant, and so on, he couldn’t even stay with something for two months..

Now imagine this, 22 years old, working two jobs, still raising a child, and you have somebody that comes into your life that you think that is going to change everything that you’ve ever been through. You look at them and you’re so proud to have them in your life. You finally have a significant other that you think that you’re going to be able to spend your life with. He even asked your dad for his permission for your hand in marriage. But then on a rainy day in April he decides to leave. After being together for almost a year, my son calling him dad and also my son’s best friend, that hope and something to look forward to every single day was stripped out of my hands. But it was a relationship that I was still paying most of the bills. I never asked for money in return just simple effort. Effort to make a relationship last because there are two people in a relationship, so there should be effort from both partners. But you finally learn what you deserve in life when you go through hard ache like that. This past recent relationship was very serious for me. I thought that I had found the person I was gonna spend rest my life with. But when someone chooses drugs, video games, and temporary highs over a forever thing like a family.. I chose him. How foolish, to have the desire to want to fix someone else, while destroying myself. My desire to love him with everything I had, without hesitation, caused me to hate myself. But I changed things about myself, the ones he didn’t like. And lost myself trying to be something I wasn’t. As drake once said in a song, ( I was in a bookstore, where I live, and I picked up this book that you write in. It was more of a journal I guess, There are certain topics and certain things that you write on or about, and this is the first page that I opened up to) “I tried with you. There’s more to life than sleeping and getting high with you. I had to let go of us to show myself what I could do, and it didn’t sit right with you” because effort was too much for someone to stay around..

If I still have your attention at this point, the entire reasoning for “let’s backtrack” is because of this: one day I found myself scrolling through social media and I stumbled across this quote, “I am on the hunt for the person I’ve not yet become”

Damn if that didn’t hit home.

Idk about you, but I don’t think things like that happen out of coincidence. The fact that I ran across that quote, during that very difficult time of my life, there’s no way that it was just a coincidence.

So at that very moment once again I picked up all the pieces that someone had torn apart, and a scar tissues little bit thicker now, but I realized in that moment that I was on the hunt for the person I have not yet become. What kind of person or mother would I be if I let this toxic things ruined me as a person? What have a person but I’ll be to just live every day and be sad and dwell on the past. There’s this wonderful thing that I’m trying to stick to, don’t give me wrong it’s very hard sometimes, but trying to turn these toxic negative things into beautiful positive things, so far have been wonderful. I find myself back in my daily routine of things which include; singing, writing, painting, and taking life as it comes. Don’t give me wrong, the depression does sink me in quite often. But I make sure that I’m crawling out of it in time to where I don’t have to worry about how I’m gonna get out of it again.

I’ll be damned if I let another human being (a significant other) get close enough to me to ever have the option to tear me apart again. or if I give someone the option to break my childs heart again.. They say that only time can heal everything, and I believe that. Maybe one day I’ll be able to find someone. But until then, I’m on the hunt for the person I’ve not yet become.

I’m letting go of this past. This toxic, horrible past. But just because I’m letting go, doesn’t mean that I’ll forget about it. We live and we learn.

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