#i was actually on a rant about that to myself last night abt how the hobbit is the first time ive preferred the movies to the books

[portrait-of-a-little-thing]

the absolute chokehold that lord of the rings has on me is insane

[greenokapi]

So… what do y’all do when you wanna do a bajillion things but you can’t settle on which thing to do so you just kind of end up doing nothing?

… lissen I’m still only recently diagnosed with adhd so I still don’t know how to work with it… I wanna draw so many things, wanna make merch, comics, I wanna write a fuckton of silly cringe fanfics… I wanna make videos? Like maybe youtube videos rambling abt stuff while drawing but then I don’t know if anyone would even be interested in that, and besides I haven’t done video editing in…. Probably close to 20years? What program should I use? Anyone got any tips on that?

I also wanna make stuff, lil bead things like these guys I made a while ago for example

I also wanna try doll customization cause it’s kinda only been the last decade or so where I’ve allowed myself to like dolls… reasons for that being … uh… gender stuff… it’s like only now in my life, around 30 have I finally gotten somewhat close to getting a grasp on my gender and sexuality, and I never even really realized before that this was something I had a problem with? Which probably makes no sense tbh…

I also wanna do sculpting and even paint, after art school teachers made me feel like I should never paint again bcs idk man I wasn’t up to their standards 🤷

And… I wanna do all this stuff but not only does brain say ‘adhd my guy’ but there’s also my increasing health issues that… I mean I’ve always had them but I guess getting older makes it harder and harder to constantly deal with them… and that’s another thing I never really realized was so bad until back when I was in Japan in 2015-2016 as an exchange student and would have to go to the hospital increasingly often bcs of pain nobody could diagnose… aand then I was shamed for it bcs having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night sometimes was a huge hassle to the dorm staff, idk I was a problem…

Since then I’ve had two operations and will probably need to have more in the future. Also, amusingly, when I finally got diagnosed I was looking at the list of symptoms, all of which I could relate to in at least some way, but the ones that stood out, for some reason, were ‘constant exhaustion’ and then below it was ‘insomnia’ and… maybe I’m not actually lazy when I’m tired all the time? But y’know, I don’t really wanna use a chronic condition as an excuse to just do nothing, plenty of ppl have chronic problems but still do stuff with their life… but when I think like that I also remember this isn’t a ‘pain competition’ or something like that and different people just have different capabilities to deal with chronic pain and such… idk, I honestly think I’m still trying to come to terms with the realization that being exhausted and in pain all the time probably counts as some kind of disability….. but I don’t feel like I’m allowed to say I’m disabled bcs I do also have good days, you know? I should probably try harder to just DO things?

Ahem, it’s like 9AM and I haven’t been able to sleep and stuff hurts… I just wanna go do something productive but instead I’m whining on here which I probably shouldn’t do bcs this is the internet and strangers can see what you post and maybe use it against you but also sometimes you just really wanna rant into the void… or maybe more like semi-void cause idk, maybe someone reads this and can relate or give advice or just talk or something? Buuut you suck at talking… then later you feel embarrassed about your tired rambles and probably end up deleting them and just bring them up in therapy later like you should…

Anyway, until this embarrassment pops up I’m probably gonna try to find some painkillers and go draw or something -3-

[literallyangelshaw]

I know I made a post about this last night but this is FRRR BUGGING MEEEE so I'm gon speak on it again because I fuckin can this is my blog the fuck 💀💀

LOOONGGG rant ahead guys b warned LMAO

Anyways, the mass amounts of internalised racism within fandoms created by Snow White's descendants is actually insane. Even crazier in this fandom bc let's be fr, it may be small but it is HELLA diverse in here, when it comes to actual ppl anyway...them ocs tho...

That anon last night (and many others bc yall LOVE to yap abt POC but nobody holds the cloudy crusaders accountable) nobody is saying anyone owes anyone rep, but it's also unfair to Erik to say that his writing is "slanted" by his white privilege. When he literally has tons of POC coded characters which is why the fandom mainly agrees that they r infact POC, confirmed or not that counts as a representation of our lived experience. And I cannot stress this enough, the characters and Erik are not the same. Yes he pours a little of himself in all of his characters I like to think, but a character is never truly a direct reflection of it's writer. Project all you want they're still not identical, meaning they 9 times outta 10 are gonna have a different life experience, background, beliefs, habits, ethnicity etc. Also meaning that there was probably research done on others' experiences, which yall obviously can't be bothered to do bc all ur ocs r either a cloud, whipped cream or fucking reflective. So if anyone's writing is tainted by privilege it's YALLS.

And imma use myself as an example bc I used to do this shit too, which is probably why it pisses me off so bad. Back a couple years ago when I originally found redacted, all my OCs were originally supposed to b white men....dramatic pause, however comma, with this thing called growth and accountability I learned that, that was in fact internalised racism AND sexism because I had lived my life wishing I could be exactly that. White. A cis man. I don't think yall get it, there was internalised. self. loathing. Fueled by the racism and sexism that I had been taught. And it is a choice you gotta make to open your fucking eyes and hold yourselves accountable bc this goes so much deeper than just yalls endless Taylor Swift clones.

POC rep even to this day is a fucking gem bro. And white ppl have been consistently catered to in real life AND in media. Stop bashing POC for a situation that has always been lose-lose. We're told to fuck off white creators and go make our own, and then we do and those creations and stories are ignored and disregarded or outright criticised for the lack of ass kissing to whites. Let's talk about the initial reaction to ATSV/ITSV. There were COUNTLESS white windbag brained bitches flocking to the internet to complain because there were "hardly any white ppl" and it was "too diverse." Do you see where I'm going with this? No? Lemme break it down

Yall are so accustomed to being catered to that you expect POC media to do the same, and when it doesn't you fucking condemn it. This is exactly why some POC don't WANT to make stories of their own because yall snow-snobs have your heads to far up your asses that you can't be bothered to step outside your comfort zone and maybe just take a peek at how a POC may feel on the daily. Which is why the few of yall that DO care and DO portray things similar or exactly like our lived experience, we color the FUCK OUTTA THEM BITCHES HELLO???

I don't think you guys understand how exhausting it is to have a voice that nobody cares to hear. And when we are heard, our words are twisted. Like in this exact case bro. Yall are bitching and moaning bc POC are actually using the voices that we had to FIGHT TO EVEN HAVE in the FIRST PLACE. And again yall are painting POC as the aggressors when we are literally just making observations. Headcanoning an entire cast as white blonde and blue eyed isn't fucking normal and the fact that yall are now riled up because people are speaking on it just proves your privilege. Because you will never have to fight for media to show your experiences and you'll never have to turn to people who don't care and beg them to amplify your voice.

Anyways enjoy this rant lmao, many more to come!! Not specifically about this but there r QUITE a few issues as of late 💀🙏

[crushingcasanova]

IM BACK , MY LOVE !!! last night was .. chaotic to say the least. i don’t wanna give away who i am by telling you much .. so ill just say that it was a lot hehe. trust me , if I could’ve answered you as SOON as you sent your response .. i would’ve <333 ive started to become really enamored with you .. （≧∇≦）your energy is just amazing and ive found myself getting excited when im sending these letters hehe .. so thank you !!

it’s crazy how similar our schedules are .. ill actually be going into tech week next week !! and that’s so sweet .. it figures that you’re good with kids , you seem like such a kind soul ^^ im sure that things are stressful for you. if you ever wanna rant , or listen to someone else talk and just relax .. ill do whatever i can for you!!

i forgot to send my other half , so ill just do it now :3 i love all of the things you said , but specifically gravity falls and steven universe ….. my goodness , i had steven universe as my special interest for years , id never stop thinking abt it (or flapping my gums about it … :,) ) and gravity falls was a hyperfixation for a while , and i still really like it !! just not as much as i did .. (i have autism and adhd by the way .. im sure you’re understanding but i wanted to tell and warn you ..) i guess i have a lot of interests so this one’s kinda hard …. i guess my basic list would be hsr , genshin , pjsk , alien stage , LAW AND ORDER SVU !! (shh it’s my special interest rn i kinda go crazy every time I talk about it so just ignore me) uhm and there’s a looot more but im not gonna name all that .. i wouldn’t wanna take up more space than I have i seriously talk so much my goodness .. i truly feel sorry that you gotta read all this ..

but anyways !! i hope your day is going so so so so amazingly .. idk what time it is for you (it’s 6:53 am for me) but what i DO know is that you are truly a blessing for me .. im sorry to maybe overwhelm you , but ive been feeling real lonely the past few weeks .. you’re the only person that I feel like has really paid attention to me (even if it’s only in these little asks) so .. thank you. all i really need is attention .. i wouldn’t dare ask more from you <333 i hope this letter finds you in good health!

your obedient servant , 🎭

I hope last night went well, even if it was a lot :0 don't even worry about the response times, by the way! I know I'm a bit slow with it too, and timing doesn't matter much to me as long as we get to chat :) thank you for the compliments by the way <33 I'm always excited to see you in my inbox, too! :D I've been looking forward to responding all morning actually!

I hope your tech goes well! My irl best friend has tech next week too :) she's doing puffs! Not sure if you know anything about the play, but it seems fun :) I appreciate the offer to rant to you, by the way, but it's okay! I've actually been very happy and excited with tech, even if I'm a bit tired :) so it's not an issue! I love tech and spending so much time with my cast members is such a joy <3 you're quite sweet for asking, though!

Steven universe was a big childhood show for me! I got to see susan egan (rose quartz) sing live once and I nearly exploded omg .... I had a lot of good memories with the show, and even wrote an essay about it last year for my english class! (It was about colonization in steven universe, which was actually very fun to do). I've been meaning to properly rewatch it sometime! Who were your favorite characters? And gravity falls too, I'm curious :D  (and also, I do understand, so no worries <3)

I used to play pjsk! Other than that, I'm nore unfamiliar with the other things. I've heard of genshin and hsr though and I have friends who play them :) and law and order svu I've heard of! You should totally tell me all about it, I'd love to learn about your interest :D and also, you can always tell me more of your interests and such if you wish! I'll always dutifully read it all, it'll never be too long for me >:D

I'm sorry you've felt lonely :( hopefully, you know I'll always be here to listen :D it doesn't overwhelm me to hear, I'm glad you can get it out! It's like 10:45 here as I write this, actually, so I think we have a bit of a gap timewise :) I hope your day goes super well! Let me know what you're up to if you wish :D

[ykxz]

(Don’t mind this it’s just a rant abt somehting )

I fucking hate ppl who have made fun of me for the things now then the next minute it’s their favorite band or favorite show or whatever the fuck it is.

Basically my friend was making fun of me last night for liking Gerard way and she was saying he was ugly, fat shaming hi mans everything only for the next day she tells me, “I’m so obsessed with him!!” Shut the fuck up. I love her ok she’s a really good friend but bro?? You just said he was ugly and fat and ‘they did him dirty’ in those photos just to be like oh he’s so fine he’s my man. You were literally bullying the living fuck out of me for that shit and I hate it so much. Ii wouldn’t care this much if she wasn’t already talking shit about him like he isn’t a fucking person? Like Gerard isn’t going to look like how he did when he was 20 for the rest of his fucking life and I’m happy he changed cuz now he’s better, mentally and physically well. I’m happy he was getting better and still happy, I don’t care if he gain weight or looks way different it’s normal and heathy too.

It just bothers me a lot cuz I’ve been through the same situation before, it’s not “letting yourself go” no it’s actually caring for your well being and being happy in your life. It just pisses me off cuz if she didn’t think he was attractive she should’ve just said that dude instead of calling him names and saying how fat he was like bro what

This isn’t the first time it happened to me with my friends, I’ve had a friend hate on ppl who read fanfics and smut but now it’s like her thing. Like are you fucking serious you made fun of me and our friend for liking that stuff but now it’s all you do or talk about.

I don’t gatekeep shit cuz I think that’s just dumb but sometimes I just want the things I like to myself and ppl who like the same stuff. Keep it to ppl who understand whatever it is and know what it’s like to get made fun or for that thing. And it pisses me off the most since Ive been made fun my whole fucking life for everything I have liked but now it’s your fucking thing even tho you just said I was a fucking weird or a fag or any fucking nasty name for liking it.

Sorry for this little rant ik im overreacting but idk.

[transmasc-wizard]

like. okay. i know this is putting myself on a fast track to get harassed but i want to talk abt this shit. so. heres a list of attention seeking behaviour I have done

starved myself at 13 years old (after considering it at 12) hoping people would notice and care. they did not

same thing at 14/15 except now I was also anorexic for real so it was worse. majority of people still didn't notice except commenting how my clothes were mysteriously getting looser

brightly and openly started a conversation about how bad my intrusive thoughts were, hoping for sympathy (14)

make my Instagram notes and stories things along the lines of "to be honest kitten daddys gonna kill himself" "starving <3" "bad fucking night" "lol I don't know who I am anymore" "relapse!" etc etc. expressly because i want people to notice, actively reply, and "prove" they love me. this still happens but I've stopped the suicide jokes at least

stayed in a triggering scenario because 1) I was afraid to ask for help, but also, 2) "hey if I stay and break down then I'll get out of here AND people will worry about me!"

literally threatened to kill myself to my parents faces so they would finally worry about me

and. finally. calmly and healthily asked, "hey, I'm having a bad night, can I be reminded of the things you think are good about me and the ways i matter?"

all of this behaviour is born out of the same issues (never feeling seen or supported or appreciated, feeling worthless and bad and like a burden, as a itty bitty child) but the last one is the only one that won't get me called manipulative at worst or annoying at best by people who think they're the saviors of the mentally ill community. and that's.... uh. really fucking shitty actually!!!! I AM an attention seeker. i want this cool attention called "love" and "support" and "stability" and "feeling seen". that is literally a normal human feeling, why is it so evil to be attention seeking, I don't UNDERSTAND!! it drives me up the wall !!! yall are literally just mean !! if you see someone, esp a child, trying to convey their suffering maybe you should think "Hey how do I help them" instead of "God damn they're annoying"!!!

okay rant over

[thesnailkiwi]

for the queer ask game: 🍁🔥🧡🌼💛🌾🌱💚🔮🏳‍🌈🌈?

🍁 actually, it wasn't that long ago. Around last November I started suspecting, and in January I actually fully realized

🔥 not really. I mean, still a bit of yes, but not much. Mostly whenever anyone says anything suggestive about me I scrunch up my nose and dismissed them. I also am proud of who I am a bit more, knowing that there's a community if I ever need help.

🧡 none. None at all. I mean, I draw myself as a guy if that counts.

🌼 I fully went by she/her, but now I go by whatever. I'm not a stickler about Pronouns. I prefer she/they/he, but idrc if you use anything else. As long as I know you're referring to me.

💛 I thought about it a lot. No one or nothing really made me realize. It was just kind of a thing when I was trying to sleep one night and it hit me like a brick wall v. character in a cartoon. Though I will say that Scott Smajor, Notajlafond, and Ranboo helped me accept myself.

🌾 no, I definitely do not look the part. I act the part, apparently, tho. A few years ago, literally one of my closest friends asked if I was queer, and at the time, I wasn't. So that's a thing ig.

🌱 she'd be like "what tf happened?" And proceed to have a sexuality crisis. Maybe I'd even get denied, who knows? I wasn't a homophobe but I used to be the straightest person in the friend group. Huh, now that I think abt it, what did happen?

💚 too many.

🔮 twas a dark and stormy night when the queer monster appeared and attacked me with its vicious teeth. It gave me a device to do research on at 4 am and then told me "get used to it ur lgbtqia+" and disappeared in a puff of magic smoke. Then I proceeded to message the wrong person since I was tired and having a crisis. Luckily they were the same sexuality.

🏳️‍🌈 I love the colors of the asexual flag. I don't incorporate it in my outfits since I throw on whatever is clean and go about my day. I want to get one but idk how my dearest parents would react.

🌈 hmmm. So many different, smaller, less mainstream sexualities should get some attention as well. They're here, too! And they are part of the community but are constantly ignored! Also, some people need to experience the feeling of the hate we get and the struggles we face as a whole. Yeah, ok, cool - you have your beliefs and I have mine, but bro chill out agree to disagree you don't need to attack me because I like someone and you don't understand what love feels like. My parents pretty religious, and if they can accept me, you can. Anyway, moving on. This turned into a rant.

Enjoy, do want you want with this ig. Also you are a consistent person and highly appreciate you! They say teamwork makes the dream work, but I think they should replace teamwork with "my tumblr mutuals that I highly appreciate and want to give a blanket, plushie, and hot coco and proceed to pat them on the head"

[star-on-a-beach]

Didn't even realize i could elsie rant abt this but fuck it, we ball

Here's the song so yall can keep up with it easily

Gonna split this up in a few different ways, we'll start with the kingdom first

There are some very mixed emotions after the celebration, and while a couple of people are hanging out and having fun, a good deal of them are also not having a good time. In my experience, after large parties and events, I often find myself in a very self-reflective and almost lonely and longing state where I kind of board myself up with RP and songs very similar to Dark Vacay. I wanted to incorporate that into my characters, the after-party vibe, and that state of haziness and lull as everything winds down, no matter what their emotions are at the end of the night. This song encapsulates that feeling pretty much PERFECTLY.

The vibe is also pretty dismal and bittersweet in general, so while it fits good for the slow after-party vibe for the happier residents, it fits both the after-party vibe AND the melancholy mood of other residents- mainly Icia, Achilles, and Slyn. Those three are currently the most aware of what's to come next- which is, unfortunately, Achilles' death. Tbh the chorus kinda fits this theme, which is as follows:

"Feel the world around you, feel the world surround you, feel the world around you, feel it all around you crash"

Achilles has been really feeling and experiencing the world as a final grace before he goes. It's going to crash soon. He's going to crash and fall soon. Which, coincidentally, are the lyrics at the end of the song. Just, "Crash and fall". That's what's gonna happen to his life. They all know it. There's a sense of dread that's ever so slight in the end of the song when you imagine it with those three.

Now, in terms of how most of my characters would respond to the song, kingdom or not, once again, it's the vibes that get to them. These kinds vibes are, like, perfect sad songs for me that I've had cry sessions to on MULTIPLE occasions, and yall know how I fucking LOVE projecting on my characters. So even if I, and the majority of my characters, can't relate to the lyrics and what the song is about, relating to vibes and not lyrics is a universal thing. If I'm crying to this song, a lot of them are as well. Especially characters who are a bit more on the emotional or less positive side.

Now, as for characters who CAN relate to the lyrics more than others, that's a small handful of characters. The highlights are as follows: Astrion, Starro, Sammy, Slyn, and Achilles.

(Also, pausing the rant for a second to realize that all of these are guys... I don't know if that says something about me.)

The song is, from my research, about the singer struggling with maintaining a relationship while on tour. For the sake of this rant, we'll broaden the song meaning to be something more akin to, struggling to maintain a relationship in general, slipping into bad places while still loving them even though the relationship is difficult.

Achilles: We already specified in terms of vibes, but the lyrics "I listen to the last message that you left, then the voice from the suicide hotline" stand out the most in his case. We know his situation, so I don't think that needs to be elaborated. This, combined with the substance abuse themes (which he would definitely indulge in more if he had the means), absolutely makes this an Achilles song.

Sammy and Slyn get put together because, this is fucking about them. Bitter heartbroken exes Coldblood my GODDAMN EVER-FUCKING BELOVED. This one tbh has more to do with vibes in general, but the vague meaning of the song as a whole- in terms of a struggling relationship- definitely set this in stone. Also fun fact, Slyn and Sammy's relationship was at a rough, not-quite official place when everything went to shit. If Hexe never showed up, they probably would have actually been okay. That or they would have been toxic due to Slyn's arrogance back then. But yeah, the song has some themes of loving and yearning for someone, which there definitely was/is quite a bit on both sides.

Starro and Astrion are similar, but Starro's is lower key. Once again, his relations are very vibe heavy, but also kinda links into how his live devolved after Vivian's disappearance. He was in love with some people who didn't love him in the same people, and tried his best to make things work, but either they didn't try to get better, or they DID try but things got worse on both ends and they had to leave. Starro would probably really relate to the lyrics "Feel the world around you, feel the world surround you," and only those because that's kinda a way to envision what he seeks. Especially when you take into account that love - especially Conny- is his world. He would probably hug her and cry after listening to this song for a while. Fun fact: cuddling in the dark while listening these kinds of songs is one, if not Starro's favorite, kind of intimacy.

And finally, we got Astrion. I saved him for last because this is 100% who this song relates to the most out of all my characters. Vibes are on point for those nights where he's just upset with the world and lonely, craving intimacy but also not wanting it or not wanting to want it. Lyrics wise, and what they talk about, he also fits the best. Astrion's definitely no stranger to any of the stuff mentioned in this song- pills, lines, alcohol, suicide, sleeping on tile, and the theme of crashing and falling. I want to imagine this song reminds him of past partners he had that struggled with his polyamory- he's dealt with a wide variety of people and their responses to him trying to (consensually) expand the relationship, even if it's only on his side. Anger and disgust is only one of those of those responses, albeit the most common. Another response is when the person and he tried to make things work. Oh, they tried. They both tried hard to make it work. It just... didn't, though. This song definitely relates to that person (or people) in Astrion's life, whoever it is. He couldn't get enough of them, and he still can't ever get enough of his lovers even now. And then it's the summertime full of drugs and such, which Astrion has absolutely experienced. This song is HIS song. He gets it. End of story, final verdict, this song belongs to him. Now that I'm talking about it though, I'll take this opportunity to say: Astrion is clinically depressed, and still maintains a lot of very unhealthy and self destructive habits that he had even in the real world. That man struggles more with himself than I've really let on.

Okay. Star rant over.

Honorable mention I can see this as an AU for Chase and his girlfriend, but I'm not gonna elaborate on that. We'll just say, if he never went missing, this song would definitely be a song of theirs.

Ok now the rant is FULLY over

@the-mod-from-elsewhere here ya go, thanks for the ticket!

Upon careful consideration

I have decided that the majority of my characters would cry listening to Dark Vacay by Cigarettes After Sex

Thats not a suggestive thing btw, neither is the song, it's literally just the name of the artist

But like

This song is post-celebration vibes

[yourmidnightlover]

lost my everything

Summary- while revealing something to spencer, you confess something during the process. he didn't know how to react, which led to a terrible accident in which he might lose you forever.

TW: talk abt mental and physical abuse, alluding to death, talk about self-harm, SAD ENDING

WC- 3,152

a/n - please don't read if you're sensitive to self-harm or talk about emotional and physical abuse because reader goes into discussion about these things. i care about you and your safety so if you need to talk about anything please seek help or my inbox is always open! you are loved and you are needed <3

masterlist

----------------------------------

one thing about being the youngest member of the team meant that the second-youngest member was drawn to you.

that second youngest member happened to be spencer reid.

you had just had another paperwork day today since you got back from one the night previous. you were currently in the conference room discussing the case before we got off-topic, curtesy of spencer's coffee problem.

"i might have a slight problem with my coffee addiction, but there are many studies that go to show the benefits of drinking coffee. supposedly, drinking coffee could extend your life period, strengthen your liver, increase your body's glucose production, and even-"

"okay, that's all for today guys. go home and get rest before a case comes in," hotch interjected and warned.

you placed your hand on spencer's arm, this time underneath the table, as his face began to fall from disappointment. he turned to face and gave a tight-lipped grin before you removed my hand and we both stood up.

"so, spence, my place or yours for the doctor who marathon this time?" you said as he grabbed his bag from his desk.

"we went to mine last, so we can just go to yours this time," he said with his natural pep back. "besides, i kinda like your apartment better," he shrugged with another wide smile.

"clearly you do," you joked. "you almost always say my place," you laughed as you both joined jj. pen, and emily in the elevator.

"hey, y/n, would you wanna go to o'kiefs with us tonight?" jj offered kindly.

"already got plans. maybe next time!" you said with a smile, turning back to see spencer wearing the same smile on your face.

honestly, you and spencer have gone to the bar with the team a few times. you weren't opposed to going with them, you just knew that going meant everyone would pressure you to drink alcohol.

last time, you had succumbed to peer pressure. spencer had to drive you home and hold your hair as you puked into the toilet, it was a very good bonding experience. you didn't remember much, but you do remember you convinced him to stay the night, although he did end up sleeping on the couch rather than in the bed with you.

"after last time, i don't blame you, y/l/n," emily laughed out, giving a concerned look recalling the memories flooding her mind.

"next time we won't pressure you so much!" penny consoled. "i didn't know how much you meant it when you said you can't handle your alcohol," she winced.

"yea... i really meant it," you laughed out, trying to shed some light on the subject. the elevator opened, allowing you to go your separate ways for the night. "have fun you guys!" you called as you walked to your car with spencer.

spencer and you have been carpooling to work ever since you learned he took the metro to work and only lived a couple blocks from your apartment complex. you couldn't stand the thought of something bad happening to him while on the train, so you've offered to give him a ride there and back ever since.

in return, spencer insisted on paying for daily coffee runs for the two of you. it was his way 'of returning the fuel money in another type of fuel.'

you and spencer crawled into the car and began the drive back to your place. it wasn't too long to your place, only a 20-minute drive, but being with spencer made it feel like half that.

"do you even remember what happened the last time you went to the bar with them?" spencer laughed.

"not exactly..." you grimaced. "just that you took me home, there was a bit of puking, and i coerced you to stay the night. and you slept on the couch, which is absolutely ridiculous! i mean, i was the one who practically made you stay, so shouldn't i have slept on the couch? it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before," you ranted.

"you're right, we have slept in the same bed before," he clarified. "but each time we did that you weren't drunk out of your mind," he sassed.

"ha-ha, spence," you mocked. "i did say i couldn't handle my alcohol. is there anything you wanna fill me in on?"

truthfully, yes.

there was something he wanted to fill you in on.

he wanted to tell you how you confessed your past to him.

he wanted to tell you how you kissed him right after...

and he kissed you back.

he could still remember the way your lips tasted, still covered by the vodka from the shots you took hours before.

but he didn't want you to think less of him since he kissed you back.

he just couldn't help it.

he'd been helplessly in love with you for so long, yearning to be with you as more than friends... as more than what he thought you wanted. but that kiss was his hope.

it was hope that maybe you felt a fraction of the chemistry he did. it was hope that maybe even if you didn't like him, you still had an attraction towards him in some kind of way. it was hope that maybe you would grow those same feelings for him.

but no matter how much 'hope' that kiss gave him, he shouldn't have kissed you back. he knew how vulnerable you were by telling him about your history of abuse.

you told him about your parents. about how they would throw you around when they were high, or drunk, or both. you told him about how they would call you worthless, a whore, stupid, good-for-nothing, basically every name in the book. but you didn't tell him about how you coped with the abuse.

so, when he told you how amazing you are to be able to turn your life around how you did, and how beautiful you are and always have been, you couldn't help but embrace him with a kiss.

you kissed him.

and he kissed you.

in a wonderful, vulnerable moment, he kissed you back as he'd always wanted to each night you spent with each other.

"nope," he shook his head. "nothing to fill you in on."

"i guess that's good," you shrugged.

he also wanted to know if you'd ever tell him about what happened when you were in your right mind. he wanted to know that you trusted him with your darkest secret that you accidentally already spilled to him.

although, maybe you should know about what you admitted to him. it was your life, after all. it was your past that you revealed to him in a simple drunken mistake.

"actually..." spencer started, taking a deep breath as he looked into your eyes. "you did mention something."

"okay... what'd i mention?" you wondered.

"you told me about..." he tried to find the right words to say. "about your parents."

"oh...?" you began to realize what you had admitted to him that very night, still not remembering the events that followed. "i didn't want you to find out like that..." you trailed off.

"i figured you didn't," he gave a small grin. you looked over at him hesitantly.

you thought about all the ways you could react to this. you could block him out and act like it was his fault you drunkenly confessed your past. you could ignore the fact that you told him at all and just move on, burrowing all the emotions inside of you once again. or, you could try to finally move on from what happened and how you coped with it by talking to spencer about it.

"when we get to my place, would you mind if we held off on the marathon? i should probably elaborate a bit more," you asked meekly.

"of course we can. we can do whatever you want tonight, y/n," he soothed, placing a hand on your lower thigh comfortingly.

you drove back to your place in silence, the both of you anticipating the conversation awaiting you.

when you finally entered your apartment, you both shed your coats by the door, hanging them on the hook, placed your guns and badged on the table beside the hook, and sat down on the couch comfortably. you crossed your legs, your knee up in the air, as spencer sat down with his knee touching the one still on the couch.

"so... how much did i say?" you asked curiously.

"you talked about the emotional and physical abuse, but nothing too in depth," he confirmed.

"when i was young, about 12, my parents got into a minor car accident," you began telling him about your past, trying to recall the memories with little hurt or pain. "they weren't at fault, it was a drunk teenager, but they each got addicted to their pain meds from the hospital. i would be asleep when they would come home from a night out, drunk and high out of their minds. i remember the first night it happened. i wandered in the living room, curious of what the ruckus was, and was greeted by my dad's hand slapping me across my face," you chuckled humorlessly, not knowing what other reaction was appropriate.

"he told me i shouldn't have been up or seen what they were doing. he was furious," you furrowed your brows as tears began to well in your eyes at the memory as spencer gingerly placed his hand comfortingly on your knee, scooting a tad bit closer to you. "after that night it became almost a pattern of his. he would come home and then get upset from his high coming down, and take it out on me. my mom just laughed and watched as he would hit me."

"eventually, they started just belittling me. they would say i was a coward for not standing up for myself. they would say i was stupid, or worthless. they especially liked to call me 'a waste of space,' i think that one was their favorite," you took a shaky, deep breath as you knew you were about to reveal for the first time to anyone what you would do to cope with the abuse.

"eventually i started to believe them. i started to believe the things they said about me. i thought i truly was an ugly, undeserving, piece of garbage," you turned to see spencer's eyes full of tears, mirroring your own. "i would self-harm because i believed them. each night after they were done with their own abuse, i felt so... frustrated. the only way i could get that frustration out was to do that. the scars are still there, taunting me of how weak i was to not just endure the pain," you finished.

you didn't even realize tears were streaming down your eyes until you noticed the few on spencer's cheek. he reached his hand up to wipe the tears on your face, ignoring that of his own.

"you aren't weak, y/n. you are unbelievably strong for getting through that. you have to know how amazing you are," he told you, demanding you to see you the way he saw you.

because the way he saw you, you were beyond perfect. you were so much stronger for going through that. if anything, knowing you went through that made him think you were that much more amazing.

and honestly, the way you were thinking is that when you told spencer, he might think less of you. he might think you were dumb for doing that to yourself, inflicting pain upon your own body to relieve yourself of pain.

that was anything but true.

"s-so you don't think any less of me?" you asked confused, looking into his eyes for any tells of his lying.

"absolutely not. if anything i think you're stronger now that i know what you've endured," he assured you, moving a stray piece of hair behind your ear as he moved even closer to you.

"thank you so much, spencer," you said as you lunged forward, your arms immediately pulling him closer around his neck into a hug.

"you don't need to thank me, y/n," he started as he rubbed circles in your back soothingly. "if it helps anything at all... i think your amazing. i always have, and i always will."

"spencer..." you pulled back and looked into his eyes. "just... i need to tell you one more thing."

"alright," he nodded, prompting you to continue.

"i uhm, i'm in love with you," you bit your lip in anticipation for his response.

he didn't say anything.

he couldn't say anything.

he wanted to say something, but he didn't know how.

he didn't even know if you actually said that, or if you were just a figment of his imagination.

because at this point, he felt so much more for you than love.

he was infatuated with you.

but you read it as rejection, so you quickly unhinged your arms from around his neck and retreated into a ball while on the couch.

"i-i'm sorry," you said after quickly realizing the reality of the situation.

he didn't feel the same.

"you d-don't need to say it back. i shouldn't have sprung that on you. i-i've just felt that way for so long, and i thought that maybe you did too, but i shouldn't have assumed anything. i'm so sorry," you looked at him, waiting for him to say anything. to admit anything.

"oh god, and i just spilled everything to you," you ran your hand through your hair.

silence.

"i think i need to go for a walk," you said, getting up from the couch and rushing out the door after grabbing your coat.

you opted for taking the stairs to run outside, being the quickest option.

spencer was speechless, still sitting on your couch, dumbfounded.

he was overwhelmed with emotions.

you loved him?

he couldn't believe that someone so smart, so beautiful, so kind, so funny, so... everything would ever love him.

and he was too late to say it back.

he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that you loved him, so he just sat there in awe of this revelation.

by the time he realized what you had said, and was ready to say it back, you were already out of the door and down the stairs.

you were walking all too fast with tears flooding your eyesight.

you had just lost the one person you loved the most. the one person who's always there for you. the only person you've felt a connection with. you lost your everything.

by the time spencer ran down the stairs in an attempt to chase you, you were nowhere to be found. he could always call your cell, but he wanted to admit his undying love and affection in person, not over some dumb cellular device.

you didn't know where you were going, just letting your feet take you wherever they pleased. it had been a bit cold and you had left everything at your place, so you began rubbing your arms in search for more friction.

you were walking around a corner when you were pulled into an alley by some random white guy. with a harsh hand on your arm, you whined out quietly from the sudden pain.

you didn't have your gun.

"money! NOW!" he demanded. you stayed there with tears in your eyes, too emotional to speak.

your wallet was back at the house.

"are you too dumb to speak? i said MONEY!" he said, pushing a gun you were now made aware of into your stomach.

"i-i don't have my wallet," you admitted with a shaky voice, tears now streaming down your face faster than before.

the night was supposed to be another night with spencer, watching your favorite show and being with your favorite person. you were supposed to be cuddled up on his couch, probably falling asleep in his arms by now.

and now you were being mugged and were probably going to get hurt in one way or another.

"and why is that, doll?" he pushed the gun further into your lower stomach .

"i-i was in a r-rush. i s-swear i d-don't have anyth-thing!" you stuttered, trying to convince him to let you go.

"too bad... you've already seen my face. let's hope you have a nice nap," he growled before pulling the trigger, a bullet running through your lower stomach.

spencer was near you when the bullet went off. he was walking home.

you didn't even realize it, but you were walking in the direction of your love's own home when you were ambushed.

he heard the gun go off.

he naturally ran into the alley with his gun raised, ready to fire at anyone fleeing the scene. he managed to take the guy down with a single bullet before realizing it was you who was shot.

he quickly grabbed his phone and dialed 911 and demanded an ambulance at the corner of 5th and maine, alerting them that an agent was down.

"Y/N!" he yelled, running to kneel beside your limp body. "please, no..." he pleaded.

he put his hand to your neck in an attempt to find any pulse. there was a weak one. there was that hope again. he pulled you onto his lap, your body now resting atop his.

"stay with me. i-i didn't get to tell you how i felt," he cried as he put pressure on where the blood was coming out.

"sp-spencer?" you asked, barely regaining consciousness.

"it's me, y/n. i'm here," he soothed, running a hand through your hair to move it from your face.

"i'm s-s-sorry," you choked out, feeling your eyelids become heavier by the second.

"no. don't apologize to me," he told you. "i should be apologizing."

"it's n-not... your... fault," you felt your breath coming slower, the weight on your chest becoming unbearable.

"i-if i would've just told you how i felt..." he began thinking about how horrible a mistake he had made.

sirens were nearing, hope was becoming greater. spencer clung to your body tighter than ever as if holding you closer to him would will your heart to beat stronger, even if it was for just a bit longer.

"i-i..." you took another uneven breath, reaching your hand up slowly to wipe a tear from his face. "lo-love..." another breath. "you," you finished, your hand cascading down from his face and falling limp onto spencer’s lap, now accepting your own fate as the ambulance was now right outside the alley.

there was a moment when spencer thought maybe you’d wake up. you’d come back to him. but once they loaded you into the ambulance he had to accept one thing.

he had lost his everything...

@averyhotchner @greenprisca @muffin-cup

[eurydicees]

theatre club au time!!! i’m back with the romeo and juliet edition of “eurydicees just write the fucking fic instead of daydreaming about it” 

theatre club au hcs are also here: part one and part two!! 

disclaimer: there was absolutely no editing nor proofreading here, i’m watching romeo + juliet and haven’t read the real script in years, and i really don’t know what i’m talking about

so. for the fall show, one year, they decide to do romeo and juliet, because obviously, you know? 

renge directs, kyoya is her stage manager

hikaru is romeo, haruhi is juliet; tamaki is mercutio, kaoru is benvolio; idk about the rest of the cast, let’s pretend they don’t matter for the sake of this list (filing the rest of the cast list under: problems for when i actually write this stupid fic) 

honey is on lighting, mori is on set and stage combat, mei is on props and costumes, kasanoda is on sound 

so in the ouran theatre club, there’s not really a big rivalry between techies and actors because there’s only a few of them, so they all switch between roles so often (ex. kaoru is 50% actor and 50% costumes; tamaki is 50% actor, 50% director) 

HOWEVER. then, right before the fall production of r&j, hikaru says some dumbass comment about actors having more work to do than techies, and being more important, etc. etc. some bullshit like that

and this causes a HUGE rift in between the techies and the actors for this show specifically— they’re all mad at each other bc of this comment; kaoru is pissed at his brother, kyoya thinks that tamaki endorsed said comment, hikaru isn’t sure why he said it in the first place, haruhi thinks this is all ridiculous but kaoru is being an asshole about it and so they’re mad at him; etc. etc. 

so this show is uh. not coming together very well, because no half wants to work with the other half, and none of them are talking to each other 

then. THEN. THEN. THEN. 

tamaki and kyoya fall in love. 

they start a secret affair together, telling no one, because they know that everyone in the club is mad at everyone else, and saying that they’re dating is just gonna add fuel to the fire, especially bc it’s an actor/sm relationship, which is a bit weird (it’s high school, though, so whatever. once this all blows over, they’ll be a #powercouple) 

things come to a head during one rehearsal, where they’re doing mercutio’s death scene 

so tamaki is acting. he’s going all out. like. he’s giving this speech as if it’s the last performance he’ll ever give. it’s brilliant. beautiful. stan. 

and when he’s done, mei makes some comment about it “needing lights to make it look any good,” as if he can’t make it good on his own, and tamaki is so hurt by this. like. so hurt. 

renge calls for the end of rehearsal, bc hikaru is abt to like. go to war in defense of tamaki’s acting, and kaoru is just mad at hikaru, so he’s also ready to argue (bc they’re at a good enough place in their relationship to do that!!!) 

kyoya, in an attempt to cheer him up, brings tamaki out for dinner, but they have to be discreet, so they go to some commoner place. this is where all the pining Hits. then they finally, finally, actually start dating. 

as we go through the rehearsal and production meeting process, the scenes that they rehearse are interspersed with fluffy scenes of tamakyo falling in love, idk how all that would get worked in right, but it would make it in there because fuck it, yk? 

the rivalry was kind of simmering for a while, but then they doing their stop and go rehearsal, which is always an rip, but here it’s the first time in a hot sec that the entire production team and the actors are in the same room 

the actors keep goofing off and moving around, so honey can’t get things quite where he needs them; the actors are talking loudly, so kasanoda is fucked (but too shy to say something abt it, until mori tells honey, who tells renge, who stands up for them all)

and a (verbal) fight breaks out— kyoya, the eversuffering sm is losing his mind over here. 

he is done with this shit 

so he calls hold, and renge gives a speech about cooperation, and then everyone kind of shuts down. no on is having fun with being in theatre anymore. kasanoda is two insults away from quitting. mei is two broken seams away from physically fighting someone. 

things are not going well 

after rehearsal, tamaki and kyoya have their standing secret date night at some commoner’s place, idk where yet, we’ll figure that out when this actually gets written as a fic, and then. that’s when they get caught. 

it’s renge who finds them— and she’s angry. she goes on this whole rant about professionalism. the stage manager cannot be dating an actor. it’s a conflict of interest. it’s unprofessional. it’s scandalous. she will not have it in her theatre. 

then tamaki points out. that she is here on a date with haruhi. 

fuckin’ hypocrite. 

the four of them have a cute double date bc fuck it. i make the rules now. and they realize that this is bullshit and they’re never going to pull together a show if they keep on arguing like this

but they don’t really know how to fix it???? 

it eventually kind resolves itself when renge, who cannot keep a secret for the life of her, accidentally reveals that she and haruhi are dating— they’re in the dressing room, and renge just kisses them, not realizing that kaoru and mei are arguing over kaoru’s costume in there

everyone is very upset for a moment, until they crack because kaoru and mei are both kinda hopeless romantics, and a star-crossed love is exactly what they needed to make the show come together

meanwhile, tamaki and hikaru are practicing mercutio’s queen mab monologue (for the #drama of the moment), and kyoya is taking notes or w/e, and when they pause, hikaru asks abt tamaki’s inspiration for his acting and what feelings he’s drawing on 

and tamaki is just like *looks at kyoya* “i have my own love” 

i’m gonna be honest i super worked myself into a hole here and i have absolutely no idea how to end this

unlike shakespeare, i cannot kill off all the characters in order to have a resolution to my work 

taking suggestions for an ending i guess. anything would be better than whatever this mess is rn

[voidcat]

– “Friend” is a four letter word

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou / gn! reader

requested by anon, prompt 1

wc & genre: 2k - mostly fluff, a bit angst by the end

a/n: the title is literally a 1 trait danger song title, pls dont come @ me, i just thought it was nice to use bc “love” is a four letter word so yea,, also pls dont ship ppl irl or ask them too many Qs abt their relationshio even if they look so good together n should date bc it is rlly rlly annoying (speaking from experience)

The first you meet Kuroo Tetsurou, you don’t even notice.

It’s not surprising, he’s quiet and doesn’t gather attention. You don’t go looking around and keeping an eye on everyone either. The most is you’re just two fish in the vast sea, unaware of one another, too tangled with your own lives.

Then comes a moment, nothing special, almost out-of-a-movie type. It begins with a joke, if it can be considered that. It’s bad, awfully bad, a horrible pun in the middle of chemistry and from the volume of the voice you can tell they hoped no one would hear. But you do, so does few who sit next to him and your giggles dance around in the air. You don’t notice it’s him at that time but you grow to recognize his jokes in the following time.

Kuroo Tetsurou feels like a mystery when your eyes lie on him one afternoon. He’s not bad looking, a part of a sports team, a key member even. And yet compared to all the other jocks he doesn’t bask in the attention, in fact, he doesn’t receive any. Others like to brag and talk smug, as if they’ve discovered life in an inhabitable area and then there’s him. You can’t even tell he plays in the team if it’s not for the uniform and tracksuit he’s in after classes.

You think to yourself, if only jocks were like him. Still, you take no step and neither does he.

Maybe neither of you need to because the universe is more than happy to provide the nudge you both seem to need.

Funny enough it’s a science project that starts it.

He’s too quiet to your liking, speaking only when absolutely necessary. As you desperately try to kill the silence that hangs in the air, he avoids it as hard, making so little sound.

An idea comes as fast the lights are on and you speak before you even get to think ‘what’s there to lose?’

“No science puns for me? What happened, cat got your tongue?”

To say he is baffled, is the understatement of the year. You’re not sure if he’s surprised you’ve heard him joke or want to hear more of them; but either way, he looks cute, with his guard down, at a loss of reaction, mouth slightly open and – is that a hint of blush on his cheeks?

It only goes upwards from then on.

Awkward conversations is how it begins, seeking each other out in close environments is where you’re leaded.

You find yourself enjoying the way he talks, listening to what he has to say, the way his face brightens up when he starts talking out of pure interest. You only hope he feels the same way about you, and from the way he often discreetly directs you to take the lead and pick the topic, he does.

In a short span of time, you two are attached from the hip. Inseparable, always doing something, going somewhere, discussing a thing or just laughing. Shy smiles replaced with a Cheshire-like grin, almost ironic considering your school’s name, that’s only a new expression on him that you like to see.

It feels freeing, natural; as the sea sighs, the rain drops hit the surface and the sun shines. Two peas in a pod, thick as thieves, inseparable…

This goes beyond high school and throughout university too, which you’re grateful for. Because times come when you wonder where would you be without him, what would you do without his support; so you thank the stars once again, for having him in your life even today.

Then comes the times you wish you didn’t spend as much time together because the people around are being insufferable. All you want is to hang out with your best friend but half that time is stolen away by the never changing questions. Those who keep asking if you’re together, as an item. As if it doesn’t rub the salt in the already existing wound, it sure makes things unbearable. Getting approached by people you never saw before is no fun, neither is dealing with those who have the audacity to think you owe an explanation about your love life.

“But why? The two of you spend all the time together! Sure you must be in love!”

As if platonic relationships do not exist, surely do you have to love someone in that way to care for them? Loving Tetsu is a case that matters to only you, you’re happy knowing he cares for you, maybe not in the way as you but at the end of the day, the bond is there in plain sight, on your sleeve.

“But you guys would look so good together! Have you given dating a try? I’m sure it’d work out! I understand if you want to keep things a secret but come on, you must have had something going on-“

Stop, stop, stop…

It gets exhausting after a while, showing its signs on you, the irritation high and your nerves are at the edge, he notices it not long after.

After a little persuasion, you spill it all out, ranting about the pent up anger you had bottled all week –month maybe. You don’t notice the way his shoulders slump as you talk and go on about the stupidity of the people. It misses your attention how he talks less than usual that day, even after the mini ranting session. You do, however, notice how he starts to act strange around you. More preserved, and not as chatty as much. Holding his touch and avoiding contact, not going out of his way to approach you any longer. This drives you crazy, hurts a part of you and you worry –what if he has grown bored of me? Did I do something to hurt his feelings? Does he like someone and avoids me to get in their eye? What has happened, what did I do wrong? And goes and goes and goes the worries and the dynamics shift in your friendship.

So with the change of dynamics, you try desperately to hold onto what you once shared. Soon enough it’s you who invites the other to outings.

When your coffee offers are denied, you bring up walks, after that study dates, as he tries to ignore one attempt of alone time, you come up with another and one evening you find yourself asking to go to a party.

Campus parties with him, are interesting, to say the least. It stings when you’re separated, a punch to the stomach when he’s awfully close to those who were flirting with him, a new kind of torture when he keeps his talks with you short at the scene but at the end of the day you always leave, together, and you settle with this too, as you settled with all his love you could get years ago.

Some nights with booze apparent in the air, you don’t bug him with questions but each party gets worse somehow, only makes the distance between the two harder.

One night you snap and let it all out, unlike that afternoon it wasn’t an asked question but an aftereffect of him pushing your nerves and once you begin, you don’t stop, letting the storm out and he just looks at you.

You stop and his gaze stays, face devoid of any emotion and you worry, all the words you’ve said dawning on you and with one last attempt you whisper “Aren’t we friends?”

Voice calm and stern, colder than that icy cocktail you had: We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.

Holding back the tears by the corner of your eyes, you blink once and turn your back, steps set on your way. You can’t recall the last time you’ve walked home alone, without him.

Some time passes, days begin to blur and you try not to dwell on things too much or think about him that much. But the brain is a traitor as much as your heart and you find yourself thinking about him too much to your liking. Not sure whether you want him to find you, you keep an eye out; maybe plan to get out of the eye sight when you spot that messy hair but there’s not much need as he’s never around.

At the same time you’re unaware that this is his way of giving you a break, providing the alone time you needed away from him; as Tetsu tries his best to gather his thoughts and shape the sentences to show how he truly feels, what he actually thinks, he keeps an eye out for you. Even the smallest of smiles on you making his racing heart worse but what lands the final blow is how rarely you smile these days. Knowing he is the reason behind, knowing he causes the weight on your shoulders and the ache in his heart, he wishes more than anything to change this as soon as he can but he is at a loss of words and actions and he hates himself for that.

When the two of you are brought together once again, as fate pushes you from behind like it did years ago, you’re not sure who looks up first. But it is Tetsu who speaks first, not giving you a chance to say anything back, call him names or yell him insults. And as he talks, eyes focused on you, locked into yours, his gaze warmer than ever, his voice nothing like that disastrous night.

“I know I fucked up and ruined the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. I have nothing to blame but myself, I know, but please. Even though it’s selfish of me to ask this… Would you give me a second chance?”

Letting go of the breath you were holding, you prepare to answer him. He doesn’t let you.

“One last chance… To start over? Because that one sentence, as cold as it sounded, had a truth to it. And I- I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t go on and pretend like I don’t have- like I don’t have all these feelings in me. I can’t nod along to your rants about how much you hate the people perceiving the two of us as more than friends. ‘Cause you got to admit. They have a point. Maybe at the beginning, yes... But we’ve not been friends, not for a long while. And you know it too whether you want to say it or not.”

As if spoken without breathing once, considering this is Tetsu that was definitely the case ,he gulps and takes a step forward.

“Will you give me a last chance and let me show you how much I can love you? Free of this ‘just friends’ title. Would you let me take you on dates and make you laugh wide and loud? Not just as your friend but as your boyfriend? As your partner in crime and in life, as Persephone is the pastel queen of hell in the realm of Hades, the sun to my Icarus, the Sodium to my Chlorine?..”

His speech was getting to you until the last sentence, your softened body goes stone cold, hands hanging in the air, Tetsu’s last pleads of “would you let me?”s falling deaf to your ears.

The gears turn quick and he realizes exactly which one of his words could leave an effect like this, be so ridiculous and bring you to a halt.

One of those smug smiles you saw on his face often, he says “What happened, cat got your tongue?”

And your mouse hanging open, all you can do is smack him on the arm, as hard as you can, for that awful salt simile and for using your words on you.

Before you know it, both of you are laughing and the air feels warm once again.

tags: @celosiiaa​ @boosyboo9206

[friiday-thirteenth]

right right right c a m p

ok. ok so it was very long and I'm unbelievably tired but also my head says write it down so uh

day one- five hour bus ride. it was fun, bc the person I was sitting beside slept the whole time and I got to joke around with the guys, who were surprisingly chill. they only brought up p*rn once, which is like.... good for them all things considered lmao

then we had the tramp in. the campsite where we were staying at the first night was the farthest from base, and one group biked in while the other tramped.

my groups tramp took s i x h o u r s. no other groups went over five. we had to keep stopping bc a) one kid was feeling sick, b) one kid rolled her ankle and c) we weren't allowed to sprint off into the Bush and potentially die without an instructor with us.

so there were like, four of us who were constantly at the front, and they were: me, my crush, my crushes best friend, bitch-who-bullied-me.

twas interesting.

we got the campsite in the dark, after a river crossing in which my socks got soaked, as did my shoes, and the tents and food were already sorted for us so that was great. food was shit, though. mince that was half brown water and cold pasta.kept us going, though, and as became my motto throughout camp, food is food.

that night was the only time I cried. kinda sad, tbh, but it was bc on the 'girls' side (as we all know that if the boys and girls tents were together, absolutely everyone would just be going at it, of course (jfc they have a low opinion of year tens (we sorta deserve it though, stuff happened with last years year tens...))) everyone else was paired up and even the people in three person tents didnt want me in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰 really felt the love there, guys.... jokes on them I slept by myself each night and was ready within five minutes each morning. actually really glad they showed how much they didnt care abt me bc it was really nice being alone in the wilderness, and that's not sarcasm.

anyway. day two.

woke up, was ready within ten minutes bc I woke with the leaders, who wake ten minutes before we're meant to and get themselves and breakfast ready before we're up. (I'm really fast at waking up, but take ages to go to sleep. like, everyone has to stfu before my body's able to start shutting down, and as soon as there's people moving around I'm up like a shot.)

anyway. I had eaten breakfast and was washing up before anyone else came out. next kid out was my crush, and we bitched about people taking forever for a while, which was fun.

then we waited for ages for everyone else to get sorted out, blah blah blah, and we had the bike ride back. 11.5 kilometers, I think,mostly downhill for us.

it was fun! I'm not a brilliant biker, but I kept near the middle-front of the group, and i just. let go of the brakes going downhill. and these hills were bloody steep and gravelly, plus the dips and river crossings.

I didnt fall off the bike, but one kid did lmao. there was this sharp turn before a metal gate, and He saw the gate and started pulling kn the brakes, but he hit the front brakes and just. flipped. the bike crashed into me and he went to the ground.

it was funny in the afterwards, but the kid got rather grazed lmao. he's not dead though, so that's good.

we were at the campsite that was, in my opinion, the coldest that night. also I slept in a three person instead of a two person, and by myself that meant more body heat was going into the tent. brrr. but we also did the nightline activity(hold onto a rope and follow it through the dark forest while blindfolded and with a helmet on. highly recommend it. go do it with friends u trust lmao)

I was behind this slow kid and he tripped at one point so I just. went ahead of him. then I spent around half an hour walking through the dark by myself (I walked into five trees. each time I took a step back, glared at it through the blindfold fifty five seconds and then continued around it with a muttered bitch. I'm nothing if not dramatic.) before I crashed into my crush hehe. it was near the end and we just got to the end at the same time, where two others already were. it was chill, we talked for a while. bullied people who were going through it by whacking trees they were near with sticks and shaking the line as they tried to use it. (we were allowed to, dw)

the next day, we went canyoning and holy frick frack fuckedy fuck fuck, that was c o l d. freezing. I jumped into the water and nearly died (exaggerated) but my crush jumped through a fricken waterfall and couldnt feel his hands or feet for ten minutes. another kid was walking funny bc he'd waited in the water for five minutes, and this shit was cold enough that we were wearing wet suits and thermals.

once we were dry and dressed (we got to have showers. h e a v e n (I only took 10 seconds bc like, why tf would you need a longer one? people took fifteen minutes, like wtf)) we went rock climbing! which was brilliant, honestly. I liked the belaying more (I've got this thing where I prefer people trust me than me trusting them, hmmm I wonder why) but also climbed the hardest one! it was really fun, and I only fell like fourteen time at one point (lmao,the rope caught me each time but I looked like a fuvking idiot hehe)

then we slept at a campsite which had a fire kn the beach!! if was so much fun. we also did a solo, which involved us sitting in the wild for twenty minutes and reflecting upon camp. I lay on the ground and stared at the moon. it was lovely and peaceful, until two kids started talking.

side note, guys voices are lovely and deep and rumbly and very nice (in general) but girls are generally higher pitched and ugh, it can be v e r y bloody annoying when ur trying to contemplate life.

possums visited camp that night. woke up in the middle of it to a possum crashing into the side if my tent, and I just. stopped breathing for a minute while I listened to it. a possum growling sounds terrifying. look it up!

also heard cows that night. cows are good.

day four, we abseiled. holy s h i t, it was fun. just... sitting there and watching the river and and rock and dangling in midair.... god, I loved it.

then we went to the high ropes course. this was b r i l l i a n t. we'd done low ropes st some point, but high ropes involved more belaying, which involved, and then at one point, we did a thing called the leap of faith, which was around eight meters high and you climbed to the top of this cylinder of wood before jumping for a trapeze. I knew I wouldn't get it, so I jumped on two when they counted down for me, and I missed lmao. but it was bloody brilliant.

then we had to do a whole shitton of cleanup,which they don't normally get groups to do, but we were s p e c i a l (as in our school gets to clean things we dont even use, sigh) before camping one last night. I had go share with someone, it was gell, packed up at least four tents in the morning bc I was very good at that for some reason,before we hot back to camp and went to the bus and oh, that was brilliant.

I finished my book, chatted with the guys, chatted with my crush for .5 of a second, had that thkng happen where people see you talking to a guy and are like ooOOooohhHHHHHhhh they're dAtiNG bc we're all stupid year tens and it was fucking hilarious (I've never dated anyone, so peopke bloody obsess over pairing me up with someone and I'm just like??? fuckers I'ma child how abt no (sidenote there was a couple on camp and they were cute but uh. year ten relationships dont really last, according to my year 13 camp leader (she was chill af, and basically showed me a whole new perspective on being friends with guys and so in conclusion she's bloody brilliant))) anyway they came up with a ship name for me and the guy and I nearly pissed myself laughing bc its best to laugh along with it and it was really funny tbh

anyway. we also for some reason talked abt sex and porn a lot and it was weird but also kinda chill bc most of the boys are relatively respectful of the girls,in the sense that we all make dirty jokes to each other but don't cross the line, so it was pretty funny and chill. also guys apparently never stop making dick jokes and that type of shit and it was kinda funny tbh

then we got home, grabbed our shit, and legged it away from there.

now I'm gonna rant abt my crush hehe

he was like, oh who's this? when we were walking to dinner in the dark one night (I was in front of him and his friend and he couldn't see my face) and then fucking knew who I was from the way that I walked like mate, why tf do you know how i walk and how to describe it, hmm?

I flipped him off after he said that though it was fucking funny

also!! he just. stared at my eyes and was like, are your eyes different colors? and I was like yeah. and he just nodded slowly and we maintained eye contact for a while. twas weird.

we have staring contests a lot too?? like, he'll look at me or I'll look at him and then at one point he was like, you just stare at people and then tilt ur head, dont you! and I was like wtf dude,but also I kept eye contact bc its a Thing.

also on the bus ride home he just mimicked my facial expressions and it was really bloody funny and j broke out laughed and he smiled

yeah basically I'm hopelessly crushing on him bc he's smart and sarcastic but it never gonna happen so I just wanna be friends type thing. sigh.

ANYWAY. camp was kinda great, at some points it left me feeling like I was so bloody alone and also I felt really shitty mentally but I kept going and i really enjoyed it! yeah! also i nearly cried when i said goodbye to my instructors bc they were brilliant and I'm gonna miss them so bloody much, I'm sad I'll never see them again.

yeah.

[the-juniors]

1. hope it’s alright that i added on to your zombie AU hcs (i LOVE your hcs & couldn’t help myself, & might do it again w/ other of your hcs in the future if it’s okay with you) and 2. how do the parents react to the juniors’s coffee shop? 0-0

1) it is totally alright don’t even worry abt it i loved it, and i would love to see u adding to some of my posts, as long as it’s okay if i add to some of urs bc i love ur hcs

2) thank you for asking cause i’ve been dying to talk abt this one for a minute—

jc, while skeptical at first, is so proud of his son nephew

ling had approached him when they (the quartet) were in the stage of “oh shit, wait we’re actually doing this, okay” to ask for advice

aka ling burst into jc’s office, shoved all his notes into his dad’s jiujiu’s hands nd started explaining everything (rambling is a better word for it)

“what the fuck, a-ling?”

“i don’t know, it’s just kinda, happening?”

a heavy sigh, “okay, so here’s what you guys are missing—“

and he, being the head of Yunmeng Jiang Corp., gives him the rundown on how to own and operate a business and how difficult it rlly is

he’s basically the reality check for the rest of the quartet who don’t know shit abt business nd helps coach them through the process

(they all start calling him uncle during this, but they’ll never call him that to his face)

every step of the way, ling always double checked with jc just to be safe jiujiu, i can’t fuck this up!!!

(jc loves that jl is asking him for advice on this, that he can still rely on him that jl isn’t gonna push him away now that he’s an adult)

so when jc actually walks into the cafe opening day, the pride radiating from him is insurmountable as the quartet greet him at the counter

this got long, so more under the cut

jingyi has extremely absentee parents who would regularly promise to be at things for him and would always last minute cancel

this time is no different

he basically accepted that his parents weren’t gonna show up that day, but when they just never came, part of him was crushed bc in the past at least they would text him

and he feels stupid for hoping that they would come when they never did in the past and really he shouldn’t’ve even though to hope bc why would they change now when there has been countless opening nights, performances, even graduation that they never went to why would they suddenly change for this—

however, with having grown up with sizhui, wwx, lwj, nd wn (that’s right, wangningxian rights in this au) are used to filling the parental role for jingyi and this time is no different

(god, i might have to make a separate post abt the family dynamics in this au, even though this is technically part of my modern au but not really? i’ll worry abt that later)

wwx was practically bouncing off the walls when they were getting ready to head over and was vibrating in his seat, excitedly chatting the entire ride over

wen ning, head baker at a super popular bakery in the city, was excited to try jingyi’s food after countless late-night phone calls finalizing recipes nd giving him advice on how to run a kitchen

lan wangji was more,,,,,concerned abt this whole venture bc they’re barely out of college, only one of them rlly knows a lot abt business, and bc jingyi nd sizhui are going into performance-based careers they’re not going to be able to be around to help all the time nd even emwhen they are there, they can’t do a lot for the business bc of their main careers

nd when the three of them walk into the coffee shop and are greeted by jingyi’s voice singing over the speakers, sizhui taking another customer’s order, and zizhen lighting up when he spots them over the coffee machine, they all just know that they’ll frequent here more than they originally planned

(they become the most regular customers)

side note: zizhen is also in charge of hiring on new employees nd wangji helps guide him through what to look for, what to be wary of, how to conduct an interview, all that

while zizhen is already fairly organized, wangji gives him little tips on what to take note of and always resupplies zizhen with notebooks whenever he fills one up (zizhen bullet journals nd has a separate journal for the coffee shop nd he fills so many journals)

zizhen is rlly receptive to wangji’s nd jiang cheng’s help bc his father does not support this whole coffee shop thing, and makes sure that zizhen is aware of the fact

whenever zizhen would bring up the subject, he’d scoff with a “you still haven’t let that go? we pay for your college tuition, we let you do your journalism thing, and this is how you repay us? by starting a business all on your own that is sure to fall through not two weeks after opening with your roommates that in five years you’ll probably have forgotten about? unbelievable”

opening day, he come to the shop, give a cursory sweeping glance of the shop, scoffs, and leaves

zizhen is both crestfallen and infuriated nd vents to jin ling his entire lunch break because he didn’t even try the coffee a-ling, didn’t even place a goddamn order, if he’s so pressed abt this business going down in two weeks, why not, you know, order smth to make sure that doesn’t fucking happen—

so after those first two weeks of being open (nd the shop decidedly not going out of business, thank you very much) jin ling emails a copy of their stats that clearly show how successful their shop is as well as a link to an article written by a local newspaper about their shop and how they were quickly growing to be an incredibly popular spot, with the email title being, “We Are Not Going Out of Business” —there is no other message attached

(protectively petty jin ling ftw)

he still doesn’t approve, but now he no longer says anything against it

zizhen’s mom on the other hand is a completely different story

she did have her reservations at first bc opening a business of any kind was no small feat a-zhen, but when she saw how excited for this zizhen was, how seriously the four of them were taking this, and the help they were getting from jiang cheng, her concerns were mostly assuaged

zizhen goes to her to vent and rant bc there’s just smth abt verbalizing all ur thoughts to someone willing to listen that just makes them easier to process, you know?

mama ouyang kinda becomes his common sense filter for when he starts to overthink nd helps sort out and organize the verbal spitballing, offering suggestions here nd there to solve the problems he was stressing over, or to prevent further issues from coming up and zizhen has never felt more grateful to have such an amazing mother

[lunawritesaa]

Alright u asked for it *cracks knuckles* prepare for spam. I have to clean myself of bl*ckmadhi anyway, that shit physically hurts my soul but I'd rather not rant abt how much I hate it on ur blog. ANYWAY - dadquill would def not let his daughter watch just about anything. Oh no no, she only must watch true quality cartoons (coughs anime) be it dbz, pokemon or anything of the sort (actual classics come in later when shes older, like fmab for example) (1/?)

aight mod taka i’ve been waiting for all the parts to come in and i just got the last one. so let’s get on into it! im gonna break it up and take each ask that you sent in on its own, so its broken up into parts!

under the cut bc there’s a lot to digest here~ but i’m so excited to talk more about dadquill ✨😌

lets start with this first message you sent in! (tbh i had to look up what blackmadhi and i have a thing or two to say abt it myself but we’ll save my dislike for shipping for another time) but i completely agree! blackquill would totally watch anime with his kid, as long as they are kid friendly. then when his daughter is older, they’d get into the more mature ones. but blackquill is a huge weeb and totally watches anime in his spare time. so of course he wants to share one of his favorite past time with his child!

“He would teach her, like any good parent, to only have good taste in media, and so the whole family would be a bunch of weebs having late night binges of their favourite shows (he'd learn to like other classic cartoons with time, as parents must suffer for their children as they rewatch their favourite cartoon over and over) (2/?)”

YES YES especially if his s/o like anime too. there’d be so many nights where him, his s/o, and child(ren) would chill on the couch and just watch anime for hours on end. blackquill isn’t going to let his kid have shit taste so you bet he’s going to be showing them only the BEST anime. 

“Dadquill would be a strict parent, sure, but only for his daughters sake. Maybe she'd plead him to take her to work but he'd have to keep a stern face and always firmly say "no" while he's secretly dying inside. He doesn't want to be the strict parent but he ends up fulfilling that role, while the other parent s/o then seems a bit kinder in comparison, but only bc they really can't say no to those puppy eyes (3/?)”

blackquill is such an overprotective parent that he naturally falls into the strict parent role. he’s gone through so much that he’d hate for his child to end up anything like him, or deal with any of the stuff he went through. so i could see him trying to keep his kids away from the law or the courtroom as much as possible. he hates saying no to his kids, but he does it with their best interests and so he can keep them safe. 

“The other parent s/o would dress her up in a panda onesie just because they know Simon wouldn't be able to retaliate. And thats true because the moment Simon sees his lil baby girl dressed up as a cute panda, runnin up to papa with her lil grubby hands, how could he possibly be mad at her and his s/o?? Later he buys her all the cute onesies and dresses he can find - cute things are his weakness after all (4/?)”

MMMMM YES! prosecutor blackquill and dad blackquill are two completely different people. dad blackquill has such a soft spot for his family and literally has the most difficult time telling his s/o and kid no. and he loves seeing his daughter in a onesie?? like he’s usually not one to take pictures but you can bet his entire phone camera roll is pics of his kid being cute. and then he goes out and buys and endless amount of outfits for his kid. (can you imagine simon checking out at a store with a bunch of baby/toddler clothes?? omfgg)

“He'd often use nicknames for her (as all dads do) from "my little feather" to "baby bird". Of course he'd only use it at home, because if somebody heard the devil prosecutor baby-talking to his lil girl I think he'd die on the spot. Same with his s/o, people MUSTN'T know that he's secretly soft as heck for his family (5/?)”

yess!!! he hates seeming sensitive or soft to anyone other than those close to him (his s/o, kid, athena). but in private he’s totally such a softie around his kid and calls them the most adorable names AHHH i feel like he rarely uses his daughter’s first name because he’s calling them cute little nicknames all the time!

“Is Simon playful? Fuck yeah he is, from chasin his lil girl around the house to having teatime with biscuits. Her favourite thing in the world though? When Dadquill scoops her up so she can give him tiny kisses, and then lifts her up so she can pretend she can fly! Later is naptime where she sleeps on his shoulders, or they both fall asleep on the couch. Ofc the s/o is gonna take pics how could they not?? He makes those pics his phone background afterwards (6/?)”

i feel like simon would be the kind of dad who would let his daughter do his makeup if she asked. or have little tea parties with her?? god he would literally do anything his daughter asked if she asked him to. he would hate to not be a part of her life so anytime she asks him to do something he always says yes!! and can you imagine the amount of photos his s/o would have on her phone?? they have to have at least a hundred of simon being all cute and soft with his daughter 

“Someone picked on my daughter? Murder time. What, no? You can't stop me my dear sweet s/o, they chose their fate. - yup dadquill would be the most feared dad on the block, protecting his lil sunshine like a hawk (of course taka would play a major role too, you think he'd send her off alone WITHOUT him? He's always there.... Watching) (7/?)”

NOBODY WOULD DARE MESS WITH HIS FAMILY. he is not taking any shit from anyone when it comes to his family. no one has gotten away with talking shit about them. ever. lmao i can honestly imagine taka just always watching over his daughter to make sure she’s okay when simon can’t

“Though he loves his daughter, he doesn't always have much time. Ofc when she came into the picture he took less cases to dedicate himself to being a good dad and a husband, but he still has lots of daily work. After an exhausting trial he usually comes home lookin cold and lifeless, and gives her a lil kiss before going to rest. The parent s/o assures her that dad doesn't love her any less, and that he's just very sleepy - which is true! He just needs a bit of time for himself, is all (8/?)”

yeah! he actively tries to be a part of his s/o and daughter’s life, and hates that he is so busy with work at times. he tries to manage his time well enough so that on weekends he’s completely free to do something with his family. it doesn’t always work out, but he tries. but i could see his daughter as being super understanding! she knows that her dad still loves her all the same, he’s just busy! but simon still never fails to at least see his daughter before going to bed, whether that be giving her a kiss on the forehead or reading her a story if she’s still awake by the time he gets home!

“The fact this big scary man has a sweet lil daughter barely the height of his legs? My favourite fuckin trope. Imagine him comin to pick her up from kindergarten and a lady is CONVINCED to the core that this is some shady kidnapper or smtin, until the daughter upon seeing him shouts "Daddy!" and runs up to him just to be scooped up in a loving embrace. The shocked lady is jokingly approached by a caretaker who just says "yup thats her dad. Hard to believe huh" and slowly walks away (9/?)”

LMAO I LOVE IT TOO!! plus its nice to think that simon gets to have an actually happy life after everything he’s been through with the UR-1 incident and whatnot. but omfg simon going to pick up his daughter?? chaos. the first couple times he went the people didnt believe him so they had to call his s/o to confirm that yes, his big stoic cold man is in fact her dad. 

“Simon loves the dad life. Shirt with the lines of "the best samurai dad"? Check. His office filled with photos of his family and drawings from his daughter? Check. Dad and bird puns along with showing up with a katana to a parents meeting? Check. Asking her classmate to prove themselves in a duel even though they're just here to drop off their notes bc she's been sick? Check. Having cute keychains and his suitcase being littered in stickers? Check. ALL while he looks stoic as fuck? Check. (10/?)”

simon never expected to be a father, and was honestly quite nervous to become one. but goddamn, hes so good at it?? i feel like he’s just naturally a very caring and good father and everything about parenting comes relatively naturally to him. he lives for all aspects of it: the little drawings and notes his daughter leaves him, the “best dad” shirts (someone please draw that i stg i will cry) and just getting to see his daughter every day. he feels genuinely happy with his life for the first time in a while. 

“Alright thats all for now, maybe I should've written how he would parent along w his s/o (I don't wanna think of solo dadquill thats sad angst that I will never be ready for). I exclusively use the headcanon that he has a daughter and not a son bc I find it cuter and bc I want a lil girl. Also the last parts came late (especially this last post) bc tumblr doesn't let me send more than 5 asks at a time so I apologize. But yeah, enjoy the spam 😌💅 - mod taka”

yeah i agree! i feel like simon with a daughter is just the cutest thing in the world and im in love with the concept of it! i really appreciate you writing all this out because i loved reading all of it!! i love simon and i feel like he deserves the world. 

thanks for the spam mod taka! i love talking about blackquill with you 😌❤

(i didn’t edit this so if anything is misspelled or sound weird i’m sorry lol)

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[ohsweetflips]

Pls give us the AtLA rant, I have a mighty need!

askjskjsdkjdskj i copy and pasted my rant from last night bc imo the raw energy of “i am genuinely shocked and angry (in a good way)” is something i cannot recreate right now

so here is the rant i went on in my groupchat + the secret side conversation i had in DMs bc, in my 3 person gc, 2 of us are watching it for the first time and i already knew some stuff going in so i didn’t want to spoil

it’s all under the cut bc it’s long as fuck (like almost 2k words if not more) 

but basically i go into my own type of avatar-state while talking abt zuko!!!!

(I HAVEN’T STARTED BOOK 3 YET, PLEASE NO SPOILERS)

groupchat:

but i just finished book 2 and it took a completely different turn from what i thought it was going to like i am actually in shock and have officially reached my point of "zuko what the actual fuck" because the choice to do good was right there after everything he and iroh went through and after all that he saw and letting aang go multiple times and he was starting to be happy in this new life and saw that he and iroh could be free and he still went back to azula for his pride and honor, turning against aang and katara after he and katara could have finally reached a moment of understanding

but like what the fuck i am more mad at s2 zuko than i was at s1 zuko bc, in season 1, the avatar and his honor was the only thing he thought about, but in s2, he met people who had their lives ruined by the fire nation!! and he worked with them!!!! iroh was showing him what it was like to live completely free, doing what he wants!!!! and he was starting to understand!!!!! but im so pissed and so fucking shocked bc, this entire fucking time, i was like "oh yeah the end of s2 is going to be when zuko joins, right? bc i mean book 3 is fire, so zuko has to teach him fire bending" but no, he willingly chose to keep pursuing the avatar after fucking everything he has seen, after knowing how people were affected by the fire nation, after everything iroh did for him

and he knows what he did!! he knows!!!!! he told azula that he betrayed iroh!!!!!!! he fucking knows

when iroh showed up to fight both him and azula, i was fucking losing it bc iroh's love has been so unconditional for zuko, he supported zuko through everything and even helped him try to capture the avatar at times, but that was the final straw

zuko willingly walked into world domination. he doesn't even fucking trust azula! he never has! but she brought up his pride and honor, and she's powerful as all hell, and he sided with her! after everything!

i really thought he was learning that his quest for the avatar was fruitless! it's not going to bring him happiness! his life in the fire nation will never return to normal

aang has saved his life so many god damn times, him and katara were reaching a point of understanding! they fucking talked about how the fire nation took both of their mothers

and i'm so floored bc this was all willing

when zuko was exiled, he had no choice! it was either find the avatar or have no home. but he was finding a home! he finally seemed so happy with iroh! it really seemed like iroh's teachings were getting through to him! that he was learning what he really wanted (freedom)! but he still went back to the fire nation except this time he chose to. he looked at the people he was starting to understand, at the man who has been a better father than ozai ever could, and willingly chose to turn away for the sake of pillaging and conquering and "honor" in a family that doesn't care about him

at first, i was like "this has to be a trick, right? he's fighting them now so that he can backstab azula later, right?"

but when katara said to him "i thought you changed!" and he said "i have" i was fucking besides myself

im so angry but im also fucking exhilirated bc this i did not expect

i would've put so much money on there being a meaningful moment of zuko stepping up alongside aang

like, i was so sure this would happen

i was convinced

but holy shit

and fucking!!! zuko knows what iroh went through at ba sing se with the loss of his son (and probably the realization that what the fire nation was doing was fucked up) and zuko still turned against iroh

after everything iroh did for him! iroh was the only person who stood by zuko's side during everything. he pleaded zuko's case over and over, he seeked out the gaang bc he needed their help and he was so sure that zuko would make the right decision!!! he saw zuko let the avatar go before, but when zuko was faced w/ azula's assistance and the avatar right there, he just went back to his old ways except worse bc this is willing

and like

am i discounting the manipulations of azula and ozai? no!!!

that definitely had a hand in it, bc azula has been dangling honor and ozai's love in front of zuko the entire time

but i really thought that the end of s2 would be when zuko sees past all of that

except he turned back to the family that doesn't even love him, betraying the only person who truly cared for him and loved him unconditionally and wanted the best for him, and now he has a direct hand in the collapse of ba sing se and world domination

like okay let it be known that this is some of the best writing ive seen and im fucking obsessed and im living for this and it's so fucking good so my anger is fueled by excitement and shock

and also i fucking love negative character development

like. i love zuko. and literally i think that's part of this too bc i was so sure that he was going to make the right decision

and instead i had to face the dawning realization that he wasn't

and now he and azula are teaming up to end the earth kingdom

like i thought i knew where this was gonna go and now i'm genuinely lost (in a good way)

and like i haven't even touched upon aang's chakra being locked bc he went back to katara

(also don't even get me started on the painful irony of iroh telling aang that sometimes it's better to choose love and friendship over power)

(like really don't get me started because i'm about to combust)

after everything iroh did for zuko!!!

after the gaang has saved his life!!!!!!!

and the best thing is, it was shocking but still not out of character

that's the beautiful thing

this was always an option for zuko

it's the point of the crossroads!!! you can go either way!!!!!!!

i just thought he was gonna go...................... the other way

and like literally the fact that he sided with azula after obviously not liking her basically his entire life (or at least his adolescence) is so fucking telling for how he made this decision bc. unless there's some behind the scenes stuff, he saw the avatar and his pride and his honor so clearly, and he saw how powerful azula was becoming, and decided that he would still take it even in the face of azula's manipulations and violence

if that makes sense

if you can't tell, i'm kinda reeling right now

like, apparently zuko wants his honor/power so badly that he'll side with azula!!!

after they spent an entire season fighting her

but also....... azula finally gave him that option of working together. before, it was always azula vs. zuko

now, though, azula was offering a world dominating olive branch

so now like im thinking....... what if that happened earlier? would zuko always have turned? or is it just because everything he ever wanted was so close to him?

and it's wonderful bc it's still so in-character. like, even siding with azula, it's not bc he suddenly cares for his sister or whatever, but it's because he chose honor/pride/the fire nation over freedom/giving up what he always wanted. i don't think he was choosing azula, he was choosing his pre-written destiny over making his own

god is any of this making sense i am literally so fucking shocked

i literally need like 3 episodes solely on iroh at this point bc you know what probably fucking sucks??? losing his first son to the war in ba sing se, and then losing his nephew (who he saw as another son) to starting war in ba sing se

like? that has to feel like a fucking slap in the face ten times over

especially bc iroh left the fire nation with zuko (and probably for zuko), most likely giving up his full title there

and like? the fighting sequences are so cool but it was so fucking heartbreaking to hear iroh tell aang "you go on ahead! i will hold off both of them!" because like. iroh can't wait any longer! he thinks (and knows) that zuko is making the wrong choice, but he can't wait any longer! he can't stand by while zuko dominates an entire city and say "oh, he's really complicated, he's going through something"! because zuko did go through it and he came out of it and he still made that choice! iroh probably feels like all his patience, all his efforts, all his teachings and love, went to fucking waste! because it didn't get him anywhere!

like, iroh probably still loves zuko but he probably feels so fucking betrayed and hurt and disappointed because, after seeing zuko let the avatar go before and seeming so happy, he probably thought that zuko was changing for the better! and now, he has to fight his niece AND his nephew! this no longer is zuko insulting some other general or his crew that iroh can fix by explaining what happened w/ ozai and how zuko is very conflicted! this is a situation that zuko willingly walked in, even after hearing and knowing all of iroh's teachings!

anyways! poetic cinema

like also pls dont think im ignoring everything else in the episode, like aang's chakra being locked was fucking wild and that entire episode was so good, with the fight sequences and everything abt azula, and toph’s metal bending, just forgive me bc im a little uhhhhh distracted by a twist that i genuinely did not expect

i feel bad for how focused i am right now on zuko but also how can i not be bc that feels so connected to literally everything else

also tho on a brighter note, true serotonin was when appa finally returned :')

it's so wonderful that appa broke out by himself. he did it all on his own! no one else was there. at all :)

(im kidding that was actually a very important moment in zuko's character)

(or at least i thought it was going to be)

(well actually it still is, but it's come to the question of "you can always say what you're going to do in a situation, but what happens when you're actually faced with it?”)

DMs:

i know that zuko gets redeemed, right? like i know, in the end, they will all team up

but the fact that it didn't happen now

holy shit

like.......... a whiiiiiiile ago on tumblr, i saw a post that was like "zuko has a great redemption but he needed to work for it bc he did awful things" and like? tbh yeah i got that s1 zuko was the antag and he did shitty things but like...................... this feels so much more poignant

like zuko literally has a direct hand now in the collapse of the earth kingdom

literally not to be dramatic but this is like. taz-reveal levels of shocked right now.

i thought i knew the zuko arc

bc i know he gets redeemed!!

so, after watching this season, i was thinking "oh okay it's gonna be this season! makes sense!"

but.... deep down

deep down..............

a part of me was kinda like "so is season 1 zuko....... it? is that the end of his antagonisms? is season 2 meant to be his redemption? i dig it, but i thought it would be more...................... dramatic"

well!

got what i wished for!

and i am in the best kinds of hell

like i almost feel bad bc so much other stuff happened in the finale (like, for example, aang's chakra being locked, which i screamed at, it was so good) but like. i genuinely did not expect this.

like. holy fuck.

like, now i really understand why people say that zuko needed to really work for his redemption bc he and azula are tag teaming the end of the earth kingdom