#i want to write a short story someday abt them :')

[frumentariae]

Tell me about Reece! I searched their name but nothing really came up on your blog </3

I haven't talked about them much since I never really had a universe to put them in, aside from my own head! I have a lot of OCs who are part of original stuff who I kind of struggle to post about much. But yes yes thank you for asking!! (❁´◡`❁)

I want to give a little TW about some aspects of unreality (esp in the film I mention at the top of the post) with this character. Their concept is kind of a philosophical and supernatural exercise for my own brain, and I know that can be a little upsetting to some people! There's also a few mentions of mental/psychiatric hospitals and nursing homes, but being a Mentally Ill person myself, I try my best to approach the subject gently and with empathy.

Copy-Pasted from my original message about them to some friends:

i watched this movie called "the empty man" last night and it was like. okay. it had an interesting premise, which was that a group of people made a thoughtform and gave him a fully thought out life story/etc and their collective thoughts on him convinced him that he was a real person, he had a full memory of his life and everything.

so i was thinking about this and the fact that we as humans leave energies in places where we used to be. liminal spaces, etc. if somewhere is stained with enough misery for a long time, what does that become? if someone, or a group of someones, is lonely enough, what can they create?

ive always been a little fixated on mental hospitals/sanitariums, so that's kind of the setting. this place that's full of a century's worth of misery. what does that become? can it coalesce into something that could call itself a person? is it a person? what if it's an amalgamation of a thousand thousand different life stories, moment to moment, something seeded from a particularly lonely person or persons there? a thoughtform

their name is reece

and

i cant decide what reece looks like but i think their memories are a little bit fragmented at times. pieces they "try to forget" that come in moments. little pieces of others lives. maybe the hospital is newly renovated into something else? like maybe a care home. they're a "nurse," maybe even some of the current residents in the newly converted building used to be patients when it was a mental facility.

In short: Reece is the product of many different life experiences, thoughts, and anguishes coalesced into a sort of...spirit? I'd say they're a ghost in a way, but not the spirit of someone who actually ever existed, rather, a thousand tiny pieces of human experience. I think they're pretty aware of this fact, though.

I like to think they sort of "work" at this hospital--The place itself, I think, has been multiple different things: An overcrowded home for criminals, spinsters, mentally ill people, homeless folks, and later a mental health facility, a sanitarium, and then a care home for older people, maybe with a wing dedicated to some sort of medical specialist. It's had a very multi-purposed lifetime: The location itself is sort of a character in its own right.

The living staff and people who live and are treated there view them as something of a ghost. They're solid and "real" enough to touch and move things, to basically move around like a living person. I think they're usually very compassionate (by virtue of Literally Being The Product Of Many Experiences), giving, and offer some comfort to the people there. Because of their nature, no one can really agree on what they look like or who they are. There's a lot of different theories, and I can imagine that there's this idea that there's MANY ghosts. And maybe there are! But Reece could account for probably half, given their fluctuating nature.

But yes! Reece my friend Reece. I've never gotten to draw them because I literally don't know what they look like LMAO

[haowrld]

HELLO WORLD THIS IS HAOWRLD

man what a year…i honestly don’t know how to feel abt this year because it has been…a lot ‼️ life has been a lot, there have been bright highs and very degrading lows, and it’s really given me so many emotions and lessons 🤧 but somehow, life made me make this account! and now here i am

i did not expect for writing to come back in my 2023 hobbies, i used to write like 2 years ago since it peeked my interest but it kind of got lost. and i found tumblr and decided to make an acc thinking i would be a ghost read, but out of an impulsive decision i decided to become a writing account. and omg… there has been drafts coming from me, due to many ideas and also due to the fact i am kind of an ass writer, but i’ve been taking my time to write, with a lot of help :’))

due to school and life i haven’t been able to read amazing stories and write stories as well, and i haven’t been able to interact with all of you guys 😭🧎

but i hope that next year it will be a fun year, with more wishes coming true and new opportunities for everyone! to the people that i know and the i will interact someday on this app, i hope 2024 will be an amazing year for you!

thank you to those who interacted with me ;; i know i am not a good conversationalist, but its really fun interacting with you all 🩵🩵🩵 i want to give u all big hugs you guys are all so cool and you guys inspire me to write, i hope we become closer and i hope u guys have a good year

@wqnwoos as much as we don’t talk a lot, u are a really cool person and i really love how simple ur writing is no matter how short, it gives so much feelings that one of them made me cry 🧎😭 (lol). ur stories bring comfort (and delusions). ur just cool and i hope this year will be good !!

@wheeboo omg u u u are pretty much a really amazing writer and I love ur writing ^^ idk if i should say it but thank u so much for making me write more i know it’s probably something random, but whenever u post a story i always find it so much passion written in it, whether it’s fluff, angst or horror ‼️ let 2024 give u no pain and no stress

@mesanthropi weiss omg…u are so golden! whenever u just pop in my inbox it always makes me smile, u have an amazing mind and amazing art and damn i wish we could talk more often, timezones really suck 🧎i hope 2024 will not be the worst year and i hope it will be an amazing year for u 🩵

@icyminghao omg icy it has been a while since i last saw you, i just want to say that you are a really sweet person and i love ur energy that u remind me of dk 💥 ur really cool and your writing is super sweet ❄️ i hope that we’ll be closer in 2024

@kyeomyun man all i have to say is that you are such an energetic person that it literally makes me energetic and explode/pos u so fun to talk to and i wish we could talk more 👏👏 i hope this year will be filled with fun for you 🩵

@lvlystars we never talk a lot but man WE SHOULD u are such a vibe and I love how we just TALK‼️ i hope that 2024 will be a great year and i hope that we become closer 💥

to everyone i havent mentioned, i hope u have a good year let 2024 be a year of great blessings because we all deserve a blessing after everything we have endured‼️‼️

[forffax]

returning the favor with oc asks since i always wanna hear about yours !! if you had to pick like your top 5 favorite characters who would they be and why 👀 bonus if you want to pick your favorite like settings/worlds/universes youve made for ocs too!

OOOUH thank u chase!!!

I'm gonna list out my favs then talk abt my main oc universe a bit ^_^

This got ridiculously long so it's going under a readmore <3

1. Tos Family (sorry this is going to be. the whole family bc I cannot possibly choose between them)

i. Lux Tos (he/him)

(realizing now i haven't drawn him in a hot fuckin minute)

MY DAD. guy of all time ever. everyone's favorite half-human time traveling alien war vet. it always feels weird referring 2 him as part alien even if it's technically true sdjfgs. fun lore fact: he was the Dead Older Brother in original iteration Zephyr's Sad Backstory but I liked him too much so I decided he got to live <3

Lux is one of my older ocs that I still actively draw and think abt (late middle school...) and he's changed a LOT over the years but he's so so so dear to me. my guy who has Seen the Horrors and is now happily gay married with a kid :') sdfkjsk most things abt his story is just me being So Incredibly Self Indulgent (cool powers, complicated sibling relationships, gay) but it makes me happy and I love sharing it with ppl! Someday Voided 2 will be real and ready to share with the world...

ii. Ferdinand Tos (he/him)

Dad....2!!!!!! I don't remember when exactly I thought him up but it was probably around when Lux's backstory was getting a major overhaul... He's a man out of time he's training to be a doctor and his will to live is so strong he spent the better part of nearly two decades building himself a new body! Guys who died but got better <3. I think I literally got brain blasted one day and decided he's a non-op trans man and it was the best thing ever for him actually. He's a southern californian stuck in the cold northwest (probably. either that or the northeast im not settled on that aspect yet skdjfs). He's been super fun to write from a worldbuilding perspective too bc his main goal is to pioneer a new branch of medicine using his powers! His relationship with Lux and the rest of the family (and his reconciliation with his sister) is sooooo important 2 me :]

iii. Athanasius Tos (she/her)

THANAAAAA most normal sibling (lie). She was adopted formally right after Lux "died" and had a bit of a complex about just being a "replacement" for a good while, and she THOUGHT she had worked through that when Lux suddenly re-appeared... they're on great terms now but it was Tense. She's a biochemist and probably makes the most out of the household (she shares an apartment with Zeph!) It's very important 2 me that she can let herself be vulnerable with her family and close friends after years of bottling everything up... Epic nerdy autistic butches in your area <3 Fun fact she is the only full human of the main cast!

iv. Zephyr Tos (she/him)

My fuckign auncle. Within the story she only recently realized he was bigender and is much happier for it, even if you couldn't tell by her permanent scowl skjdfgs. Zeph was the original protag (along with Thana) of the short story I wrote in middle school that turned into Voided 2! In-universe he was very clearly supposed to be the protag but missed/ignored the "call to action" phase and just got a shitton of Issues and Traumas instead <3 She's so everything 2 me he's a freelance writer/artist she's kinda cringe and he is trying only as hard as she absolutely needs to in order to get by. While his relationship with Lux is MUCH better than it was when Lux first came back, she's completely inseparable from Thana and would do anything for her (I feel like they spent equal times protecting each other from bullies as kids...) He's changed so much from her original incarnation but developing him has been SO much fun <3 Since Voided 2 runs on real-world time (in that I have specific real-world dates for most major events) she turned 50 fairly recently and that's fucked but also funny. old.

v. Alan Tos (any)

Alan! Love this kiddo. He's Lux and Ferdinand's adoptive kid! Xe doesn't learn about it for a while but she was a government secret experiment test-tube baby (they were trying to artificially fuse souls together, distantly related to the later Child Soldier School ze was placed into) (kid cannot catch a break). He's a good kid, if not a little clueless and naive... someone who would hold no ill-will if you had to cut their leg off (this is not a hypothetical GJSKDS). Somehow, despite all this, she is by far the most Normal out of xer family <3 His fashion sense is some kind of spectrum between 60s businesswoman and scene and tbh? Very fun to draw! Her friends and family are very very dear to them and at the moment xe's just kind of letting life take zem wherever.

2. Vague (it/they)

unauthorized fucking thing kill it with hammers NOW!!!!!

Vague started as I think just a proxy for myself in vent art I drew in like early high school sdhjfgds they have since become. something. my mascot I guess? (I still end up using it for vent art sometimes bc it's functionally unkillable and it's fun 2 get narsty sometimes.)

originally it was just the weird cat-shaped angel thing but a couple years ago I gave them a human design that I really love too <3 vague technically has a place in Niko and my other cat furry ocs' story but their human form exists in the real world and is just Like That i think. vague is just a little guy okay? they're sorry about crying and bleeding all over the place (not bc it sees any issue with this they just noticed you looked upsetskjdfhs)

3. Niko (he/they)

Baby's first fursona! Niko was always mostly his own character but now that I have new This is Just Me sona(s), they've been officially retired from that front <3 Niko's story is mostly planned out, I just desperately need to write it somewhere skjdbfs but the gist is that Niko works a shitty minimum wage call center job and finds meaning and love through forming a band with people he happens to meet... also there's some whistleblowing and betrayal and vague slams down out of the sky at some point <3 Niko's band doesn't have a name but they're the lead vocalist! (Niko 🤝 Blue (is blue and sings in their band)) This is a universe where everyone is cat furries simply bc I wanted to design lots of cat furries but also I haven't drawn like half of his bandmates/friends.... orz

Fun fact I found my original doodles of him in an old math notebook and apparently I seriously considered the name "chandler" for them. Help,

4. Larkspur (they/them)

Laaark my friend lark :] they're my player character for a friend's tabletop campaign! *hands you a bug* *hands you a bug* *hands-

Their design was super fun to come up with and they're fun to play as :] They were raised on a farm and have a deep love for animals (insects in particular), but they have a hard time connecting with others and understanding why people act the way they do.. They wear an eyepatch to cover their multiple other eyes bc it gives them bad sensory overload to see with them! They also spent quite a bit of time as a bounty hunter before they were blacklisted from further work bc they let a target escape on purpose... Lark is a ranger/bard and they play the hurdy-gurdy! They're dear to me and I really need to draw them more sjdfhgs

5. Chungy Fresh (she/he/they)

Chungy my belungy.... she's a mimic who spent most of his life being a chest in the temple of a forgotten goddess until they gained sentience and saw a fursuit from far away and decided yep! I'm gonna look like that Now <3 She didn't get all the details right but he's never been happier! I think Chungy spawned from me drawing a weird fox thing and simultaneously thinking "hey wouldn't it be funny if a character had a verbal text/forum signature and it was also their name" skdjfgjskdfls. Chungy is def up there with "most fun ocs of mine to draw" bc she's so Noodly and Malleable... I started playing as him in a friend group's tabletop oneshot thingy (where multiple ppl write different unrelated oneshots but we use the same characters for each session) and it has been a lot of fun!

OKAY OC UNIVERSE TIME. I call my main oc story "Voided 2" bc it takes place in the same universe as my v personal self insert oc story "Voided" that I have been working on/writing/thinking abt since late middle school... It's kinda vaguely modern fantasy/sci-fi? Main things are that there are beings born at the beginning of the universe made of pure energy called Lunoirs. There are countless universes, and each universe has Lunoirs in some capacity. They mainly exist to "keep the balance," but if you ask any specific Lunoir what that means you'll get a million different answers. Mainly they gravitate towards any life within their universe and integrate with them, observing them and protecting them from Shadows and Vacares. Shadows are the unliving souls that will eventually be reborn and reformed into a living soul inside any given universe-- they exist in the space between universes, called the Void. the Void looks different to any being that crosses into it, and it's hard to say what its "true" nature is. Vacares are Lunoirs that have had their souls corrupted and eaten, usually by other Vacares. While Shadows, being amalgamations of soul energy, are strictly neutral, Vacares seek to cause chaos and eat more Lunoir souls, increasing their numbers in a vain attempt to satisfy their endless hunger.

The Lunoir population on Earth is fairly numerous, and since Lunoirs can take on whatever form they choose, many of them live and love and have children with humans, making partial-lunoir children (physically they are nearly indistinguishable from full humans, save for longer lifespans, odd hair and eye colors, and sharper teeth. also they have semi-physical wings, but these have to be manually brought out and often ppl don't even know they have them (*cough* zephyr *cough*)

Lunoirs aren't fully immortal, but they have a different life cycle to most other forms of life. When a non-lunoir dies, their soul disintegrates and is amalgamated with the souls of others in the Void to become Shadows. When a Lunoir dies (outside of having their soul completely corrupted/destroyed), they instead go into a sort of stasis and are reborn later; they have no memories of their previous life (the ones on Earth don't, at least) and they can take on wildly different appearances.

Lunoirs and partial Lunoirs have powers in the form of energy manipulation, particularly when it comes to the energy of their own souls... They can use their souls to form weapons, mainly to fight against Vacares that tend to be immune to physical weapons. Most people have one weapon that they specialize in, but in a pinch nearly everyone can form a knife. Humans can manipulate their own soul energy in this way too, but this ability must be taught/"unlocked" by a Lunoir or a partial Lunoir first (Zephyr, at some point, did this for Thana without either of them realizing it). Lunoirs can also manipulate the energy of the very universe to create Rifts in time and space, sometimes leading between separate universes... These rifts also open of their own accord from time to time, and there's a good number of people who have been displaced from their time or even their universe by unwittingly falling into one.

Every living being has a "soul" (a collection of their life energy), and through a kind of "reaching out," one can feel/taste/smell/hear/see another's soul... every soul is a bit different, so this is an easy way to identify people even from a distance!

The Earth Lunoirs once had a country where they congregated called Saluria, which was the site of a brutal multi-year war against an army of Vacares that wanted reign over Earth... Many Lunoirs and partial Lunoirs across all of Earth's history felt drawn to Saluria, often willingly or unwillingly being rifted to the time of the war to go fight in it... Some partial Lunoirs especially believed it was their sacred duty, while others believed it was a curse leading them to inevitable death... there's even whispers that Saluria itself is alive, luring in young partial and full Lunoirs out of self-preservation.. who's to say. Ultimately, the Salurian War was a victory, but not an easy one.

Lux and Zephyr are half Lunoirs (their mom being full), and Ferdinand is 3/4ths Lunoir! Alan is a bit of a weird case but functionally he's also half Lunoir :]

This is v much simplifying Years of worldbuilding ssjhdfgjks and I can FEEL I missed a bunch of stuff but it's all very very dear 2 me :]

[moved-please-leave-me-alone]

🖋 POST ABT UR OCS BOY

YOU GET TO HEAR ABOUT NOAH MOE SUNSHINE, OR FOR SHORT, DR. SUNSHINE!!!

^ SLIGHTLY OLD ART BUT FUNF ACT THEY'RE ONE OF MY FEW HUMAN CHARACTERS!!!!

THEY'RE A "LAST CHANCE" DOCTOR, WHO IS RELATIVELY EMOTIONLESS AND FLAT, AND IS USUALLY ONLY DUMPED PATIENTS THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO DEAL WITH, FOR INSTANCE, KATT, IVAN, AND MEMOR (ALL THREE SHOWN BELOW)

HOWEVER, THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY WHAT THEY SEEM! YOU SEE THAT ID TAG ON THEM?? IT ACTUALLY SAYS IT'S FOR A WOMAN NAMED "RAY OLEENA SUNSHINE"!! SHE WAS NOAH'S OLD PARTNER, BEFORE SHE ENDED UP BEING FORCED TO GET A "MEDICALLY ASSISTED DEATH" DUE TO HER PSYCHOSIS, WHICH LED TO NOAH ASSUMING HER IDENTITY AND DOING THEIR BEST TO SAVE PATIENTS! IF YOU COULDNT TELL THEY ARE NOT COPING VERY WELL

THEY'RE STILL OTHERWISE PART OF A VERY SILLY STORY, INVOLVING A VERY SILLY MAN (SHOWN BELOW) THAT I MAY TALK ABOUT MORE SOMEDAY!!

NOAH IS ALSO BLIND ACTUALLY! SO INSTEAD OF WRITING NOTES ON A CLIPBOARD, THEY USE A TAPE RECORDER TO ORGANIZE INFORMATION! THEY ALSO HAVE A TAPE RECORDER AS A PERSONAL DIARY, ETC :-)

THEY'RE ALSO AUTISTIC AND HAVE BPD!

[2-students-randomly-blogging]

Student 2

Hey! Here is the presentation of the 2nd student using this account.

Being young and bored resulted in me acquiring many (pointless) skills and learning a lot. I learned to draw, write, typology, graphology, mythology, astrology, dancing (not for me TT), to sing, to play guitar (I quit bc I was not too fond of classical guitar and my parents wouldn't let me pass to an electric guitar (Yes, I regret giving up)), to speak English, Japanese, and German, etc. My favourites out of those are most definitely drawing and writing, tho.

I've been painting canvas since I was little, influenced by my mom and painter grandmother. I first got serious abt art when I was in 7th grade although never serious to the point of studying anatomy or color theory intensively. I learned to draw by observing the bodies of people I saw in my daily life (Ik this sounds creepy but I observe them from a technical point of view, calm down, jeez). My art style is semirealistic anime adjacent. I don't draw as much as I used to a couple of years ago but I do write more so, hey, that's sth. You could be certain to find at least a poem or short text accompanied by (too) many drawings on the last pages of my notebooks back then (I drew instead of paying attention to class tbh but I changed career paths). Anyway, my current word count on NaNoWriMo is 27k and I plan to partake in next year's November event. I hope I'll have a writing group by that time but considering I'm not a very social person I most probably won't have one hehe. I'm currently focusing on two books:

Ghostwritten - a 50k word novella (?) abt a witch's/mage's familiar who suffers from a mutation and falls in love w the Demon Prince of Biological Mutations (IK IT SOUNDS SILLY but I can promise you the romantic goth horror vibes are immaculate (Context: I'm a baby bat), I mean: the protagonist wakes up in a coffin on the first chap!).

Patterns in Existences/Souls (I've forged and met) - 15k (8k rn) poetry and short story collection. I hope I can get published someday :/. If I don't find an editor, I'll just become the editor myself, yk? (No /j I actually want to be an editor/writer).

That's all for now! Baii<3

[collecting-stories]

Dear Diary - JJ Maybank

Request: Hi!! I have a fluffy fic request if u dont mind - JJ and y/n are best friends, but y/n has a huge crush on him and she writes abt it in her diary a lot. One day JJ accidentally sees a page where she is rambling abt him, and he's very happy cos he loves her too, but never told her anything as he was afraid of a possible rejection. So he starts giving her massive hints re: his feelings and then they eventually confess their love to each other. ❤

Request: can I have one with JJ please? Where the reader is in love with JJ but thinking he is in love with Kie or someone else. JJ loves the reader but is to scared to telling her. Can you make this with angst and fluffy? Thank you ❤️❤️

Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

The first and only time that you had worked up the courage to tell JJ that you had a crush on him you were fourteen. Just finished ninth grade, a little shier than the rest of your friends, excited about the summer, and harboring a monumental crush on your best friend. You had hoped, stupidly, that he liked you back and had eagerly pulled him aside during a party to tell him that you liked him.  

“Well?” And when he didn’t answer you back after a minute, just looking back over his shoulder to your friend group, to Kiara, you started to get nervous. This had been all wrong.  

“I just, don’t think I like you like that.” JJ replied, looking back at you, eyes apologetic, “Sorry, I think we’re awesome friends.”

“Yeah, friends.” You nodded, “that’s fine.”

“I just-” he glanced at Kiara again, laughing at something John B was saying.  

“It’s okay, seriously, it’s good.” You promised, knowing full well that you were lying to him. It wasn’t okay and you were slowly realizing that the ache you felt from not telling him was not worse than the absolute heartbreak you felt now, standing there knowing that he didn’t like you. That you were just a friend and that’s all you ever would be.  

Crushes are peculiar things though and you no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t shake yours. JJ was impossible to avoid, even if you had truly wanted to, but you did what you could to lessen the amount of time you spent with him. That first summer after you told him it was like he was everywhere you went. Like the universe was constantly reminding you of your failed attempt at love, putting JJ in your way no matter what you were doing. At a party, surfing with Pope, at your house, at the Chateau, it was like he was always around. The only option you saw for yourself was to distance yourself from the pogues too.  

And you did, because it worked. Staying away helped ease the heartache. Polite hellos and the occasional fishing trip with Pope or John B, you kept your distance from JJ and Kiara by proxy, terrified that you would hear something you didn’t want to if you stayed close. But even after three years and purposeful distance your crush didn’t lessen.  

The only thing that seemed to ease your mind was journaling. You’d been keeping journals for as long as you could remember, documenting moments in time that you thought you wanted to look back on someday. Good moments like parties and every time JJ said a single syllable to you and bad times, like how you knew he didn’t like you and you were positive he liked Kiara.  

The bell above the door of the smoothie shop you worked at rang as JJ and Pope walked in and you pushed your journal away from you before they could get a glimpse. “Hey stranger,” JJ grinned as he walked over, leaning against the counter.  

You could feel your heart beat pick up at the close proximity and caught the knowing smile that Pope gave you over JJ’s shoulder. “Hey,”

“I feel like I never see you.” He said, eyeing the board, “can I get a blue mango smoothie?”

“We just saw each other on Friday.” You offered, moving away from him to make the smoothie he asked for. He’d talk his way out of paying for it until either you or Pope fronted the bill, something you were used to when he did come around.  

Every couple of weeks, for a least the last year and half when JJ realized that you and he seemed to be drifting apart, he started dropping in at your work, looking for you. Sometimes you saw him before he saw you, ducking into the back and getting a co-worker to wait on him. But sometimes, like today, it was slow and you were the only one in the shop.  

“Barely, I offered you a beer and then I didn’t see you for the rest of the night.”

“Oh, I guess,” you shrugged, “I was talking to some guy from school.”

“What about?”

“Uh...none of your business.” You replied.

Pope laughed at your back and forth, grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator by the counter, “I hate to ditch but I promised my dad I’d run groceries for him. Don’t let him talk you into paying for that!”  

“I pay for my drinks!” JJ called as Pope backed out of the store, waving at you. “I pay for my drinks.” He repeated, turning back to face you.  

“Okay.”

“So I was thinking,” he started to say, cut off by the whirring of the blender. You glanced back and frowned at him, shrugging about the noise before turning back. You were hoping he would leave once he’d gotten the smoothie, drawn away by something else. When the blender cut off finally and you took it out of it’s holder JJ continued on, seemingly unphased, “I was thinking you haven’t been out on the boat with us in a while.”

“I guess not,” you had steered clear of any group activities since you told him you liked him. An incredible feat considering you were turning eighteen soon and you’d been fourteen then. “I work a lot though.”

“Take a day off.”  

“I’ll try.” You offered, passing the smoothie across the counter to him. JJ reached out for it, hand brushing yours and smiling like he knew what his smile did to you. “Maybe saturday...if you guys are going.” It didn’t take much to wear you down.

“Saturday’s good.” He nodded, taking a sip, “hey-”

“You forgot your wallet.”

“No, I had my wallet...but it was in Pope’s pocket. Cause we switched shorts earlier, cause his got a stain on them and he didn’t want to wear those to wor-”

“Are you trying to sell me a story right now?” You laughed, “we may not hang out all the time J but I’ve known you long enough, I can tell you’re lying.”

“I’ve fooled you once or twice.”

“Name a time.” You laughed, punching in the employee discount for the smoothie before swiping your own credit card.  

JJ bit down on his bottom lip, eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at you, more serious than the playful nature of the conversation called for, as if he was thinking about something he’d said before. Finally, he shook his head, smiling and tapping the counter, “I’ll see you on Saturday.”

You were right, JJ knew he couldn’t lie to you but that didn’t mean that he had never tried. He had lied to you once, in the seventeen years that the two of you were friends, and actually pulled it off. And he’d regretted it ever since.  

-

As promised, because you lacked the ability to resist JJ, you showed up to the Chateau in the morning on Saturday. He was already out on the jetty, throwing fishing gear in the Pogue, just in case.  

“Does that cooler have person food or fish food?” You called, walking up to him. You handed you backpack to him and let him help you on board. When you stepped down he didn’t move away, crowding your space and looking down at you. You looked away quickly, though you didn’t miss the way he licked his lips as you skirted passed him.  

“Neither,” JJ finally said, popping the top up so you could look inside, “it’s all beer baby.”

You laughed, shaking your head at him. “I shouldn’t be surprised I guess. Where’s everyone else?”

“Pope and John B have work and Kie said she’s busy...sorry.”

“That’s okay, we can hang out.” You replied, shrugging, trying to calm your nerves as you stepped over some reels to sit down.  

“Exactly.” JJ agreed.  

In complete honesty he had texted John B after seeing you in the smoothie shop, asking if he could take the boat out on Saturday and, if asked, John B could pretend that he was super busy. He hadn’t really put anymore planning into this then that, despite Kiara telling him that he should. The last thing JJ wanted was to make you feel cornered or worse, to have you find out that he knew that you still liked him.  

It was an accident, really. A rather happy one, on his end. He’d been at a party with Pope when he noticed your backpack abandoned by the pool. He recognized the pins on the front and went over to grab it, finding a notebook beneath it that had your name on the inside with homemade stickers all over the front.  

“What are you doing?” Pope had whispered, leaning passed his best friend to see what JJ was looking at. Pope had seen you with your journal enough times to know exactly what it was. “Put that back.”

“Why? It’s just a notebook...” he replied, voice drifting off as he flipped through the pages, landing on one from the day before. In the dim light of the torches that lined the pool area JJ had caught sight of his name in your handwriting and stopped to read the page. He knew, technically, that it wasn’t a good idea for him to be reading something that you clearly didn’t intend to ever have anyone read, an invasion of privacy, he was sure Kiara would say.

“JJ!” Pope reached around him and grabbed the notebook out of his hand, slapping it closed and shoving it back into your backpack, “dude, don’t read that.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He shook his head, not saying out loud what he had just read. He’d seen it though, that you still liked him. Despite ninth grade and the one great lie that JJ told you. Despite the distance you had manufactured between you and him. You still liked him and JJ was determined to let you know that he liked you too.

He knew that he couldn’t just come out and say it though. How would that go? Him confessing that he read your diary and knew you liked him and guess what it was the incentive he needed because he liked you too but he was so worried about fucking things up that he just insisted on being friends. No, that would never work. You’d be pissed that he had read something he was never meant to. So he let Pope return your backpack and he started a long game of hints. Blatant hints that he was interested, or so he thought but you didn’t seem to realize. You were oblivious that every time he stopped in the smoothie shop or sought you out at parties or invited you to hang out that he was trying to tell you that he liked you.  

So he tried the more direct approach. An afternoon on the boat, just the two of you. But that wasn’t working either cause he was listening to you talk about some dumb podcast series your dad was obsessed with and how he would play it top volume throughout the house.  

“And the guy said-”

“Oh my god!” JJ groaned. He’d tried sitting close and touching your back and telling you that you looked nice and holding your hand when you stepped on board and you were with him, alone, on the boat, for gods sake.  

“What’s the matter?” You asked, a little startled at his sudden outburst.

“You. This.” JJ practically shouted, standing up on the boat suddenly and making it sway a little. “Not...what I mean is...I know I shouldn’t have but I read your diary thing and I know you still like me and I like you.”

“You read my diary? When?”

“At that party like last month,” He said, “did you hear me? I said I like you?”

“I heard you say you read my diary! JJ, that’s my personal thoughts and feelings, I can’t believe you read that!” You were comprehending one part of the conversation at a time and your brain had settled on this. That he had invaded your privacy.

“I didn’t mean too! I opened it and saw my name!”

“You should’ve closed it!”

“Well I didn’t!” He raised his voice to match yours, both of you almost shouting at each other on a boat in the middle of the marsh.

“Oh and what? You read it and thought ‘how pathetic she still likes me’ and now you’ve done all this?”

“Are you kidding me? You think I can even plan something that far in advance? I tried like 12 other ways of telling you I like you! And what are you talking about...I’m telling you I like you!”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well tough shit cause I do. And I know you like me too cause I read it!” He insisted.  

You crossed your arms and looked away from him for a moment, a deep set frown as you thought about what he said. He liked you. “Like...like me, like me?” You asked slowly, looking back at him.

“Yeah.” He replied, shoulders drooping as he relaxed.  

“Well I like you too.”

“I know.”

“JJ!” You groaned.  

He bit his lower lip as he sat down next to you on the bench, facing you. “So...we both like each other?” He said, grinning.  

“It would appear so.” You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling as you twisted to face him. “This doesn’t mean free smoothies though, you owe me like...20 bucks, at least.”

“We’re gonna need to negotiate these terms.”  

-

taglist: @maplelattes22 @poguesrforlife  @freckled-and-daydreaming @chasefreakinstokes@millie-753 @fangirlwithme @alex12948 @katherine097 @tangledinsparkles @carbonated-beverage @mariofgreengables @damonsalvawhore27@dopedoodes @dolanfivsosxox @belledutchess @poguelifeeee @faded-blue @parkerpetertingle @thebookwormlife @summer-clouds-and-long-days @jellyfishbeansontoast @minigranger @hoewkeye @love-someone-special @tiredfeels @strangerthanfanfiction713 @the-only-nana @tomzfrog @mozz-are-lla@vindictive-hearts @poguestyleskye @ssprayberrythings @jenahbell@beautyandthebleh @gothackedalready @teenwaywardasgardian @sarahcxmeron @haha-fuck-you-thot @stillbelieve398-5 @rewindlr @queenniccimicci @kissessforharryyy @thedarkqueenofavalon @alytavzla @bqmblebee @linniep @nerdypartytrashpsychic @xxchxrryxx @spencer-reid-is-a-cutie @mirjanak@danielladreaming @obx-saltlife @youngestxhearts @spnobsessedmemes @wowitswondergurl @celestialmaybank @mybnkjj @pineappleandcherries @mysterious-adventurer @justawilddreamerchild @rhyetaylor62 @calm-rejects @balletandyuzu @oh-annaa@aiifandomsunite @x-lulu @ceruleanjj  @wicked-laugh @obxwriterfan @allie-mcginn@pcterparxer @literarycharleton @khiaraaa-in-spacee@crushe-s @teamnick @daydreamlilys @collectiveuniverses @activist-af @mdgrdians@buckys-sunflower @vindictive-hearts@copper-boom @talksoprettyjjx @5am-cigarette @smiithys @dontjinx-it @outerbanksbro @mysticsthinking @heavenlymama  @rudy-pankow-needs-an-oscar @babymatilda@raekenliar @jolomez @timotaychalabae  @summerkaulitz @lemur46 @haute-shawn 

[eatingmyownwiener]

✨ shorasheiji au hcs where eiji is the siren ✨

i had this idea for a couple months but can't bring myself to write anything even tho i'm full of ideas so i'll drop them here if anyone wants to write something idk. btw, this au is based on the show siren (i haven't watched it whole yet but i feel inspired hahaha) this post will be only about shorash.

- ash is a fisherman and writer. he likes to sit in his boat in the middle of the ocean and just write stuff. he's books are well known; the book are something between extremely gory/horror or fantasy. he also writes short stories for max's magazine. he was adopted by blanca and natasha. yut-lung is his adoptive brother (i love aus where ash and yut-lung are brothers). he's still in school, but already has his own apartment next to the sea.

- shorter owns a restaurant and also has a gang. don't ask, he doesn't know how it happened either. his dad left him when he was still a baby and his mother passed away two years after he was born. nadia was the one who educated and raised shorter.

- shorter met ash bc ash spent most of the time looking out the window when he went to chang dai, the restaurant in the same street as ash's apartment, as if he was in another world. nadia told her lil bro who ash was and shorter read a book that wasn't a recipe book in years. he liked it and went straight up talking to the author abt the book.

- ash felt immediately his personal space (?) being invaded by the owner of the restaurant being so close to him but didn't see any malice coming from the dorky guy. at first, it kinda made him uncomfortable that man staring at him for a long time (but really loooooooooong time) but now he just wanted that man staring at him the whole time.

- shorter got an invitation to go fishing after two months of conversation with the blond and accepted without thinking twice (his sister scolded him bc he had work, but he couldn't just miss the opportunity to go fishing with ash lynx). shorter felt really happy about it and even put on his lucky shorts (they're pink with pineapples all over) and a his favorite Hawaiian shirt. needless to say he looks extremely sexy and ash makes fun of him when he sees him.

- while they're in the middle of he sea, ash felt inspired and started to write something while listening to shorter ramble abt random things. it wasn't distracting, at all. in fact, ash liked listening to shorter's voice.

- shorter constantly asks when will the fish appear and ash just tell him they won't appear if he doesn't shut up. shorter pouts and sits next to ash, grabbing a beer. shorter points out how beautiful ash is out of nowhere like it's something common and gives a detailed list of why ash is a literal angel sent from heaven. this, of course, makes ash a blushing mess tho he tells shorter "shut up, i'm trying to concentrate"

- they end up just catching two fishes and both were shorter's. he feels extremely happy. they say their goodbyes after ash took them back to the shore (that thing where it's a parking lot for boats, idk the name). ash thanks shorter for the time and hopes they can do it again. shorter is completely down for it and is excited to see the blond the next day at his restaurant.

- one time, they were lying on shorter's bed (aka ash's safe and fave place) just staring at the ceiling after they got tired of playing. ash told shorter, his bestie and crush, abt the sexual abuse he suffered as a child (that canon story) and abt a older brother that went missing when he was fishing. that's why he likes to fish. he hopes he'll find his brother someday. shorter hugged ash and kissed the top of his head "he'll appear someday. don't lose your hope". ash lets more tears roll down his cheeks and rests his head on shorter's chest. that scene that made him feel like no one would never hurt him again.

- they start dating after a year and a half. it was mutual pining bc they're dumb (yes, dumb/oblivious ash lovers, where are you at?). it just sorta happen. ash accidentally kissed shorter one time and it became a habit until shorter presented ash lynx as his boyfriend to nadia.

- they're dating which is nothing different besides the amount of kisses shorter gives ash and tells him every. single. time. how much he loves him. ash blushes or sometimes teases back only to see shorter be the blushing mess. which is now ash's favorite thing.

-ash has a neutral relationship with shorter's gang. he'll only mess with them if they mess with him, and vice versa. ash meets sing for the first time when he visits shorter at one of his secret hideouts. sing is a fan. he tried not to let it show but when ash asked him where shorter was, sing's voice cracked. at the end he was able to get an autograph thanks to shorter. he keeps it inside his pocket all the time; it's a lucky charm.

- (nsfw) ash was able to have sex with shorter twice and they were amazing. ash can only have sex with shorter if they're on ash's room with the curtains all closed, shorter has the day off the next day and that day and ash finished a short or an arc from one of his books. shorter and ash lost all their energy bc if they start they will only end until they can't move anymore. shorter is a service top djkdjkdks the next morning they take a bath together and it's ash's time to spoil shorter by giving him kisses, gentle touches him and washes his mohawk in the most gentle and softest way possible (shorter loves ash's hands and always makes sure to say it at least once a day).

- shorter calls ash by his real name most of the time bc he thinks it's pretty.

- when shorter met blanca and natasha for the first time he knew ash was adopted but thought natasha was his real mom bc they look very alike. shorter wasn't very welcomed by yut-lung but he tried to. at dinner, yut-lung and ash had a fight that blanca couldn't stop. shorter ate the food and complimented it; natasha gave a delicate smile as a thanks before pulling her sons' ears to make them stop yelling. after they left, ash was still all pouty bc the dinner didn't go as planned. shorter kissed ash and told him he looked very sexy yelling; ash rolled his eyes even though his cheeks turned pink. shorter then dropped ash at his place and ash invited his boyfriend for some cuddles and watch a movie.

- a week later, ash invited his boyfriend to go fishing with him on his day off (tho he offered they could do other things). shorter accepted it, excitedly.

- when they were at the sea, ash noticed the fishing rod had caught something so he went check it. it was a big fish since it pulled ash into the water. ash didn't believe what he saw before shorter came to save him, who also took a glance at the big fish with dark hair.

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wrong Direction: Chapter 2 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

“I just got off the phone with Max,” it's been two weeks since I've moved into Will’s place, my stuff still in boxes all over the apartment.

“Oh?’ William responds, tossing me a smoothie from the fridge as we get ready to go to practice. I still go to sleep in tears and wake up with puffy eyes, but Willy makes me feel like everythings going to be okay, if not today then someday soon. “How is he?”

“Good,” I tell him, scratching at the back of my neck, refusing to look up at him knowing what comes next. “He asked me to come stay with him. Well, he didn't ask. He's kinda forcing me.”

“Oh,” Will says. He turns around and faces me with a look on his face of a mix of betrayal and hurt, and it makes me want to burst into tears. “Um, well, are you gonna go?”

“I have to, babe. He's my brother, and he said that if I don't come by myself he'll pack my things for me the next time he comes to Toronto.” I feel bad, but I do miss Max.

Willy just frowns at me. “When are you leaving?”

“Uh, tomorrow. He said he'd buy me a plane ticket.”

“To Montreal?! I could drive you!”

“I know, its okay. He’s the one paying so I don't really care honestly. Don't we have to get going?’

“Yeah,” he giggles, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

On our way to the arena, I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart and shaking hands. Seeing Kasperi this often still hurts just as bad as seeing him in bed with that girl. But the whole situation has given me a lot of inspiration for a new song that i've been working on, bouncing ideas off of Will day and night.

He notices my agitation and reaches over to grab my hand. “After this, you won't ever have to see him or me ever again.”

“Hey, don't say that,” I pout. “I'll be back and i'll move back in with you, if you let me, in a couple months. I just need a break from Toronto. Everything I know is laced with memories of him. I can't even enjoy your games because he's there.”

Will nods without looking away from the road. “You're always welcome at my place. We’re all still really pissed at him, you know. Mitch hasn't spoken to him since that night, and you know how Mitch is. Auston doesn't even look at him, and Zach’s only talking to him because he feels bad that everyone is making every effort to ignore him but me. The whole fucking team loves you, Y/N. Oh, and Derms took a slapshot at his ankle the other night and he had to sit out for an entire period.”

My eyes are brimmed with tears and I have to look up at the ceiling of the car to keep them from spilling over. “Can you let the guys know i'm leaving? I'll obviously talk to them, but I don't want to be the one to break the news to them.”

Will nods. “Of course.” he smiles at me then and looks away from the road for a split second to wipe away a tear.

•••

I sit in the third row to watch the boys’ practice and try to continue writing, but the yelling and pucks hitting the boards constantly is distracting, so eventually I give up and watch them skate. During a water break, I catch myself watching Kasperi. All he does is take a few deep breaths, but watching him like this, as if nothing ever happened, makes my heart shatter. Before I can look away, he looks up at me and I watch his entire face fall. He stares at me and I stare back. He studies me, as if to memorize me. I can't look away, and he refuses to skate away. He continues forward, until he's at the boards and we’re a few feet away from each other. Neither of us can pretend we weren't looking at each other. He stops, and so does my heart. And we just watch each other. Just stare. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes, and my stomach hurts, because he was my everything.

A whistle blows. Kasperi whips his head around. The sounds of the rink come back into my ears, and we’re both taken out of the world where we were the only two people who existed. He skates away, glancing back at me once before never looking back at me again.

•••

“Y/N,” Willy says as soon as I answer his facetime call. I've been in Montreal with Max for about two months and I released my song about a week ago. Wills is driving back from practice, which is when he gives me a rundown on how “incredible” he was and how he's gonna kick ass at the next game. But today he looks anything but confident, his forehead a mass of worry lines and his mouth turned down into a frown.

“Y/N, your song is saved on my playlist, and I got the aux this morning. After practice, it came on. Most of us were singing, and I glanced at Kap, and he was just sitting there in his stall. He wasn't moving. Just staring straight ahead.”

I sit up. “Woah, slow down. I thought Kasperi and I were finished.” When I moved away, after the day at the rink, Will told me that Kasperi stopped seeming to care. He was out with a different girl every two days, bringing random girls home every day of the weekend. It still hurts, but it hurt more to realize that our entire relationship meant nothing to him. But if Will is telling the truth, which I don't doubt he is, it makes everything a whole lot more confusing.

“I thought so too, but listen. I think that it was your voice at first, Y/N. He hasn't heard your voice in months. And then he heard the rest of the song, he listened without moving, and as soon as it ended he got up, in just his slides and shorts, and fucking left the room.”

I'm silent, letting Will talk. “The rest of us didn't know what to do, so I tried to follow him. I found him in the weights room, and he was in tears.” Will flicks on the turn signal and turns onto his street, then glances at his phone to see if he should continue the story. I nod at him, holding my breath to keep from breaking down at the thought of Kasperi.

“I went to him and sat with him, and he just cried. I haven't seen him cry since he thought I was getting promoted to the bigs and he wasn't. But he was sobbing. So I sat with him, and eventually he calmed down enough to choke out that he misses you. He told me the girls were a front, and that he hasn't been able to sleep ever since that night. And, Y/N, I dont think he's lying. His eyes always have huge bags under them and he's so shaky. So I asked him why he did it, but he didn't have an answer. He said he missed you and he felt like you didn't love him anymore because you were always out doing stuff for your album, but I told him that was bullshit and he said he knew it. He told me he can't breathe without, and that he hates that he hurt you. So I told him to talk to you, and he said he'd try to text you later today.”

“Damn,” I respond, not sure how to feel. “I want to love him again, but I don't know if I can trust him.”

“You don't have to. He knows he hurt you, and that he has to work to get you back, but I am asking you to please just try to talk to him, because fuck, Y/N, if there’s a such thing as soulmates, it’s you guys. You're both in so much pain. Take your time, keep your walls up, but just talk to him.”

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

“Thank you, beautiful best friend. I'm home now, so I'll call you back in a couple hours?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. See ya.”

He ends the call and I'm left in silence. Then my phone dings with a text notification in my hand, and my heart picks up speed. I know exactly who it is, and I don't want to look at it, not right away, so I throw it across the couch with a pillow on top of it.

I put my head in my hands and try to slow my speeding heart by taking a few deep breaths. “Fuck!” I yell, then silently thank Max for going out a few hours ago. I wipe my face with my hands and sit straight up.

I stare at the pillow my phone is sitting under, knowing without ever checking that there is a text from Kasperi Kapanen waiting for me. My phone dings again and my heart jumps. I stand up and rip my phone from under the pillow.

‘wrong direction huh’

‘i miss u’

I cover my mouth with my hand and my eyes brim with tears. I sit back slowly onto the couch and read over the messages two, three, four more times before unlocking my phone and tapping on the text bar.

‘Dang, how'd u know it was abt u?’

I smile slightly as I type out the message and hold my breath when I hit send. I don't have to wait even a second before the three bubbles come up on the screen.

‘no idea’

‘ig im just tht good’

I laugh and type out another response.

‘Imyt. How r u?’

I bite my lip when the text bubbles come up, and a few seconds later his response comes.

‘could be better tbh. can’t sleep @ the apt nymore so i spend the nites b4 games @ 1 of the guys places’

My breath catches at the words. Then another message pops up.

‘im so sry 4 everything’

I bite my lip and close my eyes, taking a breath.

‘Thx. I havent stopped thinking abt u’

‘me neither’

I take another deep breath. Kasperi was my favourite person, my person, for so long. It's scary how easily we can fall back into simple, comfortable conversation, as if nothing ever happened. So I decide to be straight up and honest with him, and if he really does still care about me, he’ll understand.

‘U broke me, Kasperi. I never thought tht u would hurt me, and u literally broke me. I miss u more than nything and it hurts so bad to b without u, but seeing u in bed with another girl, tht broke me. It felt like our whole relationship was built on lies, and tht u never actually cared abt me. So yeah, i cant stop thinking abt u, and i want to b able to love you again, but u broke my trust and idk if ill ever trust u like i did before.’

I hit send and feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything I type I’ve told Will and all the other guys, but after the day I left the apartment, I never spoke to Kasperi about anything. The three bubbles come up on the screen and I hold my breath, then they disappear. They come up and disappear a couple more times, until a message finally pops up on the screen.

‘i wish i could take back everything i ever did 2 hurt u, but ik its not tht ez. i rly do want 2 fix this, tho. would u b down to ft l8r?’

I can't breathe, but I manage to type out a response without screaming.

‘Sure. Just text me when ur ready’

I take a deep breath and click my phone off. I'm about to get up when my phone dings again. I glance at the message and it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode.

‘ok i will <3’

I smile down at the screen and go to plug in my phone so it's charged when Kasperi wants to call. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but the least I can do is give him a chance to apologize. He's already broken me so badly, even if he lets me down again nothing will compare to the amount of hurt I’ve already felt.

[combat-wombatus]

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

or

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 

[abloomingperiod]

junmyeon as a bf

the softest of the softies

kim junmyeon is an old-fashioned guy

and i’m not saying that in terms of being conservative or anything, ‘cuz i really hope he isn’t

i mean in the sense of love

like you know that kind of person who dreams the whole picture

like

he dates for a reason

unlike other members, junmyeon isn’t the type to not think about the future

being a leader makes you like that

but this gets less harsh on him when u arrive in his life

yk that whole romantic comedy movie where a guy runs into someone and it’s this beautiful woman with the biggest smile and they fall for each other and shit

well.......not exactly your case

he indeed ran into you with an iced tea in hands

except you didn’t smile at him

you basically screamed “SHIT IM SORRY ILL PAY U BACK”

he got so flustered w your reaction like

this really pretty girl just offered me some iced tea”

he was all like nonononononoooo don’t say that it’s fine don’t worry aha

you kept insisting but were late for work so you made him promise to come back to that bakery the day after bcs he WOULD be paid back no matter wHAT

he didn’t feel the need butyou were cute and he wasn’t with a thick schedule so why not right

so yeah ofc prince suho showed up

the next day he entered the place and saw you

you were so pretty watching you crinkling your nose over the hot coffee in your hands was already a payback

a cute one

cmon he’s cringey give him a chance

you bowed at each other and he realized you didn’t mention for Once between the whole minute after the accident and his arrival abt his name or profession as an idol

which for him

was nice

not a big deal, but nice

after you gave him his iced tea he was so polite you actually smiled bcs ajshskjsks cute ?

and then you started talking for a while

you introduced yourself, told him abt your dream to become a writer someday and he !!!!!

okay junmyeon easy on the hearbeats you got it

he just thought of this as such a COOL dream

writing for a living

now he was like this pretty girl... is a poet

i know

lame

but he’s adorable so who cares tbh

he talked to u abt being an idol and how was the position of the leader

you listened to every word and even though you lost a fee of them along with the honey like voice and puffy cheeks of his, you loved hearing abt it

after like 2 hours he had to go bcs schedule

but before you parted your way you had to go to the bathroom

when you went pay for your payback iced tea, you hear a waiter asking “mrs y/n? i believe that for you”

no shit there was the waiter holding a cappuccino

you got like Dude. there must’ve been a mist-

you turn the cup and there it is:

“for y/n

i loved the iced tea but since my goodbyes were a little earlier i most definitely own you a payback too. how abt sushi? xx” and the waiter hands you a note with his name and number

and that’s how you started seeing each other

jun is a quiet person so he won’t be like vocal abt developing a crush on you more and more

it would b like

you guys would hang out sometimes

and little by little he would catch himself getting the heart eyes

like you’re at a coffe shop

you would get passionate talking about some movie or song and suddenly there’s a drop of coffee on the side of your lip. you didn’t notice but he did but he thought you looked so cute popping off about ur favorite music he would just sit there like,,, 💖nvm💖

and with those little stuff he would catch himself thinking yup they’re gonna b mine

so one day he went like soooo maybe i’m catching feelings i didn’t know this was happening sorry??? so i think u should know that bcs it’s abt u... i’m fancied by u i didn’t mean it to happen

like straight up he APOLOGIZED

FOR LIKING U

you were like goshkjsjksj so cute

and decided to play w him a little

“so you don’t want to like me” “NONONOOO THATS NOT WHAT I MEA-” “jk i got it i really like you too and maybe we could kiss to see what happens”

he combusted

so yeah you’re dating that’s what happened

so caring literally sO CARING

calls you on a daily basis when he’s away to talk abt the weather the boys his breakfast how much he misses you how he saw those flowers outside and it reminded of you or how he will bring you to that country when it’s vacations

he’s such a husband material fuck me

keeps notes of things you like so he can hit the high score on important dates

talking abt dates

fancy

i mean he’s bourgeoisie ofc it’s fancy

such a lovely boyfriend i’m actually sad

jun is restaurants with low lights, candles, roses and holding your hand while talking about how he never seemed to figure out the food app to find a cool place to go to so he just asked chanyeol with a pout on his lips

“you’re such an old man” “i’m simple it’s different”

on your 1 year anniversary he took you to a boat ride on a lake witha guy playing violin and wine and cheese waiting for you

simple my ass

keeps bringing coffee and flowers for you every friday night you get together bcs it’s your “tiny vacations” as he calls it

on weekends with you the only ppl he answers is either manager or a serious question from the boys/his family

and it’s always a short “yes” or “no” or “👍🏻”

fuck it he’s with his baby leave him alone

loves cooking with you

like fuck it if it’s not that tasty he just LUUUVES doing it with you

probably because he gets to hug you a lot

like you’re in the stove and he had already placed everything in its own place so he goes behind your figure, hugs your waist and places his lips on your shoulder to give you tiny pecks and praise your cooking

“junmy this is practically burnt” “you’re the best cooker i know”

once you guys were enjoying a whole ass week together and the last time you were together for more than a day were like 6 months before

you were so all over each other he went to do the same thing and you guys ended up making out in front of a precooked pan of french fries

long story short, your toasted it and only saw that coming bcs jun went to embrace your waist and his fingers touched the hot pan

“that happened bcs of you and your teenager behavior” “YOU COULD’VE MOVED” “I WAS TRAPPED”

so guess what you did after you applied some salve om his fingers

he was staring @ u all 💖💖💖💖💖

you were like ,,,what

he just shrugged and murmured “you’re beautiful”

that’s right

you fucked

not fucked in a Fucked way

yall made love

kim junmyeon is all about luv

i remember someone posting here that he probably fucked like white people and i-

that person ruined it for me

i hate yall

i will defend him till the end of time my boi DOES NOT fuck like a white person

takes it very seriously as he sees it as an opportunity to shower u with the love u deserve

on that day you actually convinced him you should do the hard work

HELL YEAH YOU RODE THAT BITCH

jun seems like soft dom for me like just bcs he’s in charge for most of the time doesn’t mean youon get to do a thing

that time as you rode him you got very like Very excited but you saw in his eyes how desperate he was to touch you entirely so you catch his hand and kiss his fingertips slowly

he kept smiling for you saying “god you are so beautiful” “i love you so much”

but you’re a little shit and always tries and bring his rough side out

so you open your mouth and lick his two burnt finger from the knuckles to the tips

he got so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not really a vocal guy

heavy sighs and low groans are it for junmyeon

very into dirty talk

but a fancy one

“does my baby likes it when i make her beg?” “look at me, love. do you want it from where i can kiss your back or your breasts?” “you’re mine to take and no one else”

we don’t support women treated as objects but this is a sexual environment and you’ve always consented him to say things like that in bed

he’s a gentlemen fuck it

once you were so horny you straight up said “i don’t give a fuck about formality just make me cum at least three times”

he got 😳 for a sec but got your point

not a rough lover but once you get in a fight

bitch

you’re both pretty mature ppl so every rare time you fight it’s very Very serious

will kiss you until your both breathless just so you can not even catch your breath bcs he will be kissing your neck and liking your skin

slaps your butt?

absolutely

a fucking lot

“funny how you turn shut the fuck up as soon as i lay my hands on you”

makes you strip for him

has a thing for watching where your bodies connect

call him baby and he’s got a 3 secs tops soft jun

like a little grin with puffy cheeks

and he’s back with the restless pounding

bathtub aftercare is a must

massages your feet as you talk sweet nothings for him

if you’re feeling feisty might get a romantic round two

loves doing it slowly so he can drag it to the point you get so hot and bothered you beg

“oh god- just please- jun, faster”

likes it when you rub his back after

get a shot of soft myeonie post-sex

lays in his stomach and quietly asks “can you”

you lay there also on your stomach and rubbing his back drawing circles and talking about life

once he got so full of idk emotion?? love?? idk never been there

he just poured a whole “marry me”

like dude.

“WHAT” “not today, like... in a few years maybe idk forget it”

he closed his eyes to dismiss your reaction and just felt a warm peck on his naked shoulder

“of course i’ll marry you a few years”

his eyes shot open like This woman. the loml. dead ass said yes to my hypothetical proposal”

he actually got emotional

“kajsksjsksjsk really?????????v

“yes really”

and there was a teardrop

you felt like dying

i mean I feel like dying rn

doesn’t say it but thinks abt having kids someday

and u know that bcs honestly it’s suho everybody just Knows that

his parents? ofc they know you

exo? absolutely sure they know you

“one day we’re gonna have a dinner on like christmas with my family and yours” “baby they don’t even live in korea” “i don’t care we’ll pay” “STOP”

really treasures your relationship like i’m not here to play games i’m past mid-20’s this is Serious

and because he’s so worried and serious he nevers seems to let loose

which is probably normal since he’s a leader

but it makes him so !! all the time u get worried

once he actually CRIED out of stress

and you ofc were there

you kept hugging him tightly and slowly rocking his body with yours kissing his tears away as he kept softly saying “i’m fine, don’t worry”

you didn’t stop worrying

you said “if you’re fine then i can stay here hugging my boyfriend”

he nodded and kept sobbing for a little while

his head was pounding so you literally laid him down and cuddled him in your arms, fingers between his locks and hot breath on his neck

he once said the sound of your breath calmed him

so that’s what you did

you calmed him

and that’s everything he ever wanted

someone to be there for him on tough times like he’s always there for everyone

he loves the fact you’re always so calm and ready to solve any problem that appears

he loves the calmness and ““““normal”””” atmosphere you bring to him

after all those years of hardship and responsability

you showed him he could be a leader and have more fun on a daily basis

he deadass thinks abt your marriage

like it’s barely 6am, he wakes up and sees you sleeping next to him, hair everywhere on the pillow and mouth open

his heart goes 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

his arms goes to your sleeping body

& his mind “i’m gonna marry this girl someday”

idk i feel like i could write a whole ass fanfiction of 50 chapters on suho and id still have 100 scenarios of him in mind

i honestly love him sm

such a nice boy

he deserves so much more

give lota of love to him he’s perfect

that’s it i’m done

[zorosmoobs]

Zolu Fic Recs

Decided to do this bc someone asked me once and I actually went thru all the garbage on ao3 and read everything I thought would be worth reading. SO! Here you go. Cultivated by zorosmoobs.

heads up: all zolu fics I like and rec will always be free of incest, pedophilia/large age gaps, and zos/an! This means no A/SL ships, no c/oralaw or la/wlu, no z/orobin or na/mirobin or really robin/anyone that isn’t franky, or other assorted freakery (like kat/alu or cr/oclu....wtf is up with you people). I ALSO try to avoid fics w the r slur in them, so if I rec one that has it lmk! I prob didn’t reread close enough :{ 

Enjoy! Bolds are favorites, the little blurbs are my anecdotes. There aren’t many long or slow burn fics bc no one writes any -__- I’ll write one someday dw.

riptide by nevermordor (1/1, 7k words, G)

Zoro and Luffy go on a cute date it’s cute. Sanji is tolerable in this fic! And there’s fighting. It’s adorable. Actually I was obsessed w it

Blueberry and Honey by rchcc122 (1/1, 2.5k, G)

Zoro and Nami are mlm/wlw solidarity and it’s beautiful. Theres a smidge of zos/anry but it gets killed. ALSO NAMIVIVI which is blessed!

Climb This Mountain Inside by stiley (1/1, 722, G)

Short and cute cuddle fic bc I’m a sucker.

unspeakable love by gadgetronic (1/1, 8200, T)

I wrote this fic ;) It’s a really long character study I did on Zoro for zolu week day 2, sacrifice.

Sunny Day by somefangirl (1/1, 1k, G)

Your average Luffy wants to have fun and Zoro is sleeping but complies anyway fic. Gay naps ensue.

[EDIT: somefangirl has a TON of other great zolu fics as well! Just go to their author page]

Bleed Like an Idiot by Augment (1/1, 14k, M)

I’ve read this like 3 times but it’s so good....I don’t normally like Zoro eats a devil fruit fics but I think this fic explores some cool themes and is really good! AND LONG which zolu fics never are.

Your words keep me awake and sing me to sleep by Mellifluous Nebulous (1/1, 2k, G)

Bit of a silly premise abt Zoro having a nightmare but I thought it was cute. So it goes on the list.

Tell Me If It Came True by chibimono (1/1, 1k, G)

CUTE Shooting star fic. There’s some weaboo japanese in it but we’ve all been through worse. tw for underage drinking I spose

Little Pink Flowers by StrawhatsAndDelibirds (1/1, 1k, G)

Based on a comic linked in the notes of the fic. The comic AND the fic are both cute!!

This Is Everything by LupusAmator (1/1, 8k, T)

This fic has a bit of an odd/poetic style so if ur not into that idt you’ll like it. I also think I didn’t finish it BUT I remember liking the parts of it I did read! So! Zoro character study sorta. I personally liked the style (sort of stream of consciousness?) and it’s gay sooo

Stand By Me by thricepiercedpirate (1/1, 600, T)

Classic nightmare and comfort fic! Luffy has the nightmare this time. 

and i will learn for you by blueacorn (1/1, 2k, T)

GOD this fic fucks me up every time. Zoro-centric, sort of like a character study. Pretty short.

Gold-Tinted Days by needchocolatenow (1/1, 4k, T)

PURE ESSENCE OF ZOLU BLESSED FIC

Those Who Sink, Swim by whimsical_ramblings (1/1, 2.5k, G)

Zoro is an idiot the fic. Tries to save Luffy from drowning but his arm is broken

Morning Dove by Falkreath (1/1, 900, T)

Waking up and being gay.....very cute very wholesome

Sea and Stars by Stark_Black (1/1, 2.5k, M)

Fic that addresses Thriller Bark a bit and has some steamy stuff at the end. Not THAT explicit and it’s p brief but hey. Figured I needed at least one on this list.

Stolen Flowers by Zoete9 (1/1, 2k, T)

Funny prompt fic about Zoro thieving flowers from Luffy’s garden. The humor level is high I like it

Comfortable company by TJWrites (1/1, 3k, T)

Domestic fluff from heaven ft. exasperated Nami

mountain falls for the sea by gadgetronic (2/2, 1k, G)

This is my fic lol I wrote it ;) First chapter is a short cute thing about hand kisses, second chapter is a funny little humor story

[simp4ace]

☁️SO... im Aris (he/him) and im 15 (yes im a child). im a guy... most of the time at least, im kinda genderfluid. I mostly like boys but girls r so pretty too <33 my orientation is a mess so imma just say that I'm an aromantic that loves romantic physical attention 👽 therefore i cant really write anything thats actually romantic... 😔

...Therefore I spend my time in class writing small drabbles on my social and political studies book.

I love listening to Arctic Monkeys while daydreaming about Ace and other sweethearts from fictional worlds in modern AUs. In other words I'm projecting 😎😎

OTHER THAN THAT- I love Jojo, noragami, assassination classroom and one piece among others SO MUCH I COULD BE WRITING ESSAYS ABT THEM. I'm also familiar with genshin Impact and its pretty boys 😳

So yeha that was my introduction 🙏🙏🙏 it'd actually the first time I'm an "anon" on a blog, so I can guess that ur just too cool 💪💪 I fell in love with ur blog I'm staying here to send imagines and drabbles if u don't mind me😔😩

Ariss hiii❣❣❣ omg your bio is sooo cool???!!! ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ • *✰ idk why but I have a feeling we could get along well if we met irl hehe :333 there's a lot in common, not everything but mostly yess XDD I'd love to tell you a bit about myself too if it's ok ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ) (since the official bio I put in my blog is pretty cringed imma delete it after this and might do another ahhh ;u;)

gonna put everything under the cut cuz I don't wanna disturb anyone's dashboard <33

Sooo hello again, I'm Rin (she/her). I just turned 19 2 months ago, but I'm still a child at heart who is not ready for her 20s yet;u; idk I'm scared of growing up dfhjvdfhjv

I'm a hopeless romantic, but when a guy hit on me I got scared and run away lmaoo, and run back to my small imagination world where I feel much safer... you can tell I'm a nerd or a coward, either way (╥﹏╥) but then I also crave for romantic physical attention, it's just complex you know;o; oh yeah, and I'm touch starved, like, very...

therefore!!! therefore, all the love scenes I've written so far are just my mere imagination haha I haven't had any experience yet XDDD just like you, I also love writing headcanons and drabbles in class hehe(i'd love to do anything in class but study ;) ), I listen to Lana Del Rey's songs for inspiration tho, cuz as I said I know nothing about real love:>>>>

AND OHH WHEN YOU SAID YOU LOVE DAYDREAMING ABOUT FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN MODERN AU, bro, I know we could be bestieeeee 😳😳😳 no because I'm a sucker for modern au too!!! especially high school au omg omg omggg!!! and especially if that fictional character has a tragic life in the manga??? oh no they deserve a happy life in our modern-day!!!! idk why I'm always so attached to tragic characters??? and tragic stories ;u; I like fluff the most don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just want a good cry and a good heartbreak💔

My favorite manga atm are One Piece, Attack on Titan (cuz tragic), Nana (cuz tragic, also :')) Kingdom (tragic...) Demon Slayer (crying tho T-T) Welcome to Demon school Iruma-kun (oh hey this one is not tragic, very wholesome) and Spy x Family (the cutesttttt) AND OMG I LOVE ASSASSINATION CLASSROOM TOO FDHVJBDFHJV I CRIED BRO I CRIED A LOT JVHBDFHJVB😭😭😭😭 I dropped Noragami a while ago to wait for more chapters, gonna come back to it someday :>>> and Jojo oh Jojo :'(((((( don't know why I can't find a website to read Jojo online??? I'm upset! I don't really like watching anime, especially a whole series cuz I'm lazy af so <///3 I still watch anime tho, I love Studio Ghibli and basically any 90s movie 🥰🥰🥰 do you like Studio Ghibli's movie? :>

Hmmm anything else about me?

Oh right, I have an unhealthy obsession with platform shoes, I love Japanese fashion in general, and uh my attention span and my memory span are really short

I'm living in a hell of homework, deadlines, exams, and housework atm, so sometimes I will disappear for days. I apologize in advance if it takes me long to respond :<<< also I'm not an English speaker so I might make lots of mistakes ahhh I hope you don't mind :>

Thank you for reaching out and talking with me, Aris 💖💖💖 I appreciate you and anytime I see your message I just can't help but smile a lot SO YES PLEASE DO SEND ME DRABBLES AND HCS AND THEORY AND WHATEVER YOU LIKE EVEN JUST SILLY CHAT BBY I LOVE TALKING TO YOU:333 you're always welcome here I love youuuu💞💞💞

P/s: Knowing that I'm the first blogger you anon to is really really touching you have no idea 😤😤😤 I have been smiling to myself all evening djhfvbdfhvjbdvdb

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[jungnoir]

11 (x3) questions tag!

tagged by: helloooooO! I was tagged by these three angels @sugacrackers @sunnysidewrites and @mansaeboysbe! so instead of having eleven questions to answer I actually have,,, thirty-three sdviushfei so i will be putting this under a read more! thank u for tagging me lovelies

sugacracker’s q’s

 If you could only eat one food forever, what would it be? POTATOES. in any shape or form

 What is your ideal date? hehehe, uhhhhhh i dunno!! tbh! i think maybe something where we’re both doing stuff together? like playing video games or bowling or what have you. when i get competitive, i loosen up and i show more of my inner personality. it breaks my shy barrier pretty easily

 How are you doing? i’m doing mighty fine, thank you :)

 What do you want your career to be? rich housewife or something nice where i’m surrounded by friendly people and doing things I love. I have no real set career I want to enter

 Any song recommendations? peek-a-boo by red velvet, iffy by sik-k, ph-1, and jay park, le tourbillon de la vie by jeanne moreau, bad blood by nao, world goes round by (this is not the singer btw) taisei iwasaki, red sun by hangzoo, and where do we go from here by g.soul

 Who is your favorite youtuber? I don’t really have one these days. I do watch a lot of buzzfeed unsolved, and I try to tune into lee suhyun’s makeup channel every once in a while!! cause she’s so cute and even tho i don’t know what tf she is talking abt bc i don’t do makeup im still :)))) the whole time

 How would you describe yourself in three words? creative, lonely, thoughtful

 Who is one person you want to be friends with on tumblr? i’m not gonna @ them bc i know their blog is kinda personal but there’s this v funny person on here who i relate to? and idk. i’d love to be their friend but we’ve never interacted but that’s gucci

 Which group is your favorite underrated kpop group? currently! golden child!!! they really got me from their debut and i think they’re really great. check out their debut mv damdadi!

 What is your favorite dessert? sweet potato pie or anything with strawberries

 What is your favorite place? in m’dreams

sunny’s q’s

What is your ideal day? getting to sleep in on a rainy, cold weekday home alone. having lots of food in the house and lots of content to watch, read, and listen to. i’m undisturbed by anyone the whole day

What’s a song that resonated with you and why? ahhh, dear no one by tori kelly. i relate to the lyrics a lot... i’ve kind of watched people in my life talk about their wins and losses in love for a long time... i’ve been belittled by people i trusted because “if you don’t like my s/o, you must be jealous” and growing up it was really frustrating for me? because on the one hand I could be completely fine with having no experience but then like someone just mentions being in love or the things you can do with ur s/o and it would break my self-esteem really bad. and hearing “you’ll find someone someday” is true, maybe but it’s not comforting when you’re upset and lonely. so i want to find some contentment with where I am right now, and this song is something I relate that contentment to

What would you be as a trope in a story? rivals to lovers au ok ok

Between your top 3 biases, who would be the groom/bride, the honor attendant, and the one who would crash the wedding? efjhsoiefises ok.... the groom is taeyong bc let’s be honest if i have to get on my own knee to marry that boy i will, the honor attendant is probably namjoon cause he’s sweet and would understand, and the one crashing the wedding would be,,,,, taehyung (of which i would kill him for but also be flattered abt on the lowest of keys)

Anything you wanna say to me? i love u,,, bitch,,, i ain’t never gonna stop loving u,,,, bitch! (pls tell me u know that vine)

What would be the one food you had to eat for the rest of your life? potatoes!!! like the answer to q1 of sugacracker’s questions hahaha

What would you be as a pick up line? girl, you’ve already activated my particle barrier

What are your aesthetics? pink-y neutrals, blunt haircuts, dewy clear skin, nose rings, tons and tons of flowers, a ceiling painted navy and dotted with yellow for stars

What’s a color that suits you? army green or tangerine!

What’s a deal-breaker for you in a relationship? cheating and physical/verbal abuse. I abhor both so fucking much

What are some distinct things you always say? “ya’ll” “JESUS” “i wanna die” “this/she/he is so cute” “i need to use the bathroom” “have you ever watched voltron?” “i’m tired”

mansaeboysbe’s q’s

If you could create your own group like produce 101 or the unit, what would it look like? Who would be in it? dude i have no idea,,, it’d be chaos LOL

What are the five weirdest songs you listen to? i don’t have five songs but i have this... one song.... from an anime i’ve tabled to watch.... and it’s just... here

What’s your favorite cover a kpop idol or group has done? SEVENTEEN’S COVER OF WILD EYES

Favorite kpop choreography? it’s either seventeen’s aju nice or astro’s baby

Anything you wanna say to me? when you!!! smile!!! i’m also!!!! happy!!!!

What are three things you would put in a time capsule? a letter fake-signed by the government that the people living in the world in the future have passed into an alternate reality and everything that went wrong in that world went right in ours, a usb with all my favorite songs on it, and a list of all the people i’ve killed (another fake but they won’t know)

What is something you always carry with you? i always always carry chapstick

If your life was a Disney (or Pixar or Dreamworks) movie, which one would it be? big hero 6!! this is like based on what i want it to be and not what it is currently right?

Ballads or dance songs? dance songs!!

What’s the weirdest survival tip/life hack you know? probably not that weird but i know u gotta punch a shark in the eye so it won’t eat you

If you could go back anywhere in time, where would you go and what would you do? i’d go back to my birth and do everything differently just to see what would happen tbh

now here’s my 11 questions!

If you had to assemble a team of kpop idols to survive the apocalypse with, who would you pick and why would you pick them?

If there was no chance of dying, what life-threatening activity would you partake in?

A fictional character you relate to?

Write a short letter to someone anonymous to anyone else reading your letter. What do you want to say to this unnamed person?

Are you the one who leaves people on read, or the one who is left on read?

Is there any job you still want to have that you wanted to have when you were a kid (i.e. a superhero, a princess, etc.)?

What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when I say the word “nostalgia”?

Favorite scent?

Is there an idol you think is like your twin?

Do you like to talk about yourself?

If you could do something you’ve been meaning to do for a while, what would be that thing?

I’ll be tagging: @@yongceo @calemiel @joshpup @haodycowboy @daegusoftboys anddddd yeh!!! lemme kno if u wanna don’t wanna be tagged in this or not!!

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[thunderoad]

HMMM 6. 12. 48 for to the end of the night. 24. 50 - would you just talk to me a little about why you like found family as a theme.

BLESS U KATE ILY

6. how did writing change you?

oh shit, this is like a deep question right out of the gate?? i’m not sure, exactly. it’s definitely given me some of the best friends i’ve ever had. i think maybe that’s the best thing about writing, really - realizing how you can connect to people you’ve never met, both in the fic itself and in those friendships outside of it. aw. man. i’m gonna cry lol

12. favorite place to write

my bed! anytime i can wake up abt 7am, get my coffee, and open a word doc without any distractions i know it’s going to be a really productive day. i also wrote, like, the entirety of everything between my second fic and hold on at my friend’s place, often while watching tv. (quiet is only for the very end of a fic where i gotta tie up all those loose strings or let it all unravel)

48. three spoilers for (insert story title) to the end of the night

i’m not sure about spoilers, but i found my old notes doc for this one, so here’s some stuff i had planned for the fic that didn’t make the final cut. 

niall was originally gonna be taking some time off music work to enroll in uni. i was DEADSET - i have no idea why - on him doing this in toronto, or somewhere else northern and cold, but i couldn’t make that location work, which was a pretty good indication i couldn’t make that plot work, either. (at least, not from louis’s pov.)

the dedication at the beginning is to the mother’s we’ve lost. i’ve gotten some real nice comments on it, but it’s really nothing fancy - it’s exactly what it says it is, louis’s mom and mine. i didn’t even know she was ill till halfway thru the fic, but i didn’t have to make any edits to it at all, really, which probably says more about me than it should! it was really nice, though, at least on my end; that dedication at the beginning, and the run-on sentence at the end sort of act like this framing device where the whole fic is louis catching his mum up on everything she’s missed since she passed away. unlike louis, i like middles; i don’t think they ever really end. 

this is just a couple of deleted scenes that kind of capture a mood, but don’t really move the plot in any way: louis accuses niall of lying to him, and “Like you never lied to me,” Niall says, all the more hurtful because he’s not wrong. But that’s not the kind of relationship Louis wants to have with Niall. It hits him out of nowhere, how fucking lonely he’ll be if Niall gets up and walks out right now, how dependent he’s become on Niall’s warm, assuring presence. So of course Louis does his best to get rid of him right away. and, “Fuck,” Louis says, the feeling trapped inside his chest like a lead weight, like a jar of fireflies, like a helium balloon. He closes his eyes, and the image of Niall, sleepy and lax in his bed, the soft sheets slipping over his bare skin, springs forth. “I miss you.” “It’s okay,” Niall says, his voice gravelly with sleep. He means, it’s okay for you to feel like this about me. i never want to articulate feelings explicitly if i can help it for some reason, but i remember thinking of these scenes and going ohh, it’s going to be one of those fics. i really wanted to write a canon compliant fic that delved into louis’s character and looked at the way he coped with losing eleanor and zayn and having freddie all in one fell swoop, but time had just progressed too much. i remember reading that portraying louis as the commitment-phobic one in a relationship just doesn’t make sense, cuz he’s constantly in these big, beautiful romances, but i wanted to write a louis who was older and bitter and really deeply hurt, and i think that’s what these scenes were trying to get at. it’s like darkest timeline!louis. that’s where this monologue comes from that was later fiddled with a bit and mostly put in the final version of the fic: “The truth is,” says Louis, “the truth is, I don’t know that maybe he is better off without me. He can have a normal dad and a normal life and – and that might be better for him, wouldn’t it? And you, I don’t – for God’s sakes, Niall, you told me you’d booked more tour dates the other day and all I could think was can you cancel them so I can keep you a little longer?” Louis shakes his head. “It’s fucked up, and I’m fucked up, and I love you so fucking much. You deserve better.” He puts his hand over his heart like he’s been hurt. Sort of feels like it, to be honest. Now that he’s started talking it’s like he’s an oil station way out in the ocean and all this blackness is just pouring up and out into open water. “My dad, Eleanor, Danielle – even Harry,” says Louis. He draws up short. “Zayn,” he says, barely above a whisper. “Liam. I mean, there’s a fucking pattern there, isn’t there? It’s me, there’s something wrong with me that everyone stops loving me eventually.” “Louis,” Niall says, his voice hushed. “Don’t deny it,” Louis says. “You were there – you saw it happen. I just…can’t love them enough. And I just,” Louis runs out of steam. “I don’t want you to stop loving me.” 

24. favorite scene you’ve ever written

i answered this before, but i really like this scene, too, from to the end of the night: 

They get as far as the back garden – straight through the living room and kitchen – before they lose the plot. Louis kicks one of Freddie’s little play footie balls into the pool and watches it bob along the surface like a fishing lure. He’s aware of Niall watching him from the corner of his eye, same as he’s looking at Niall every time he pretends to look away.

Looking out over Louis’s infinity pool, Niall says, “California,” in his best Terminator accent.

“I hardly ever come out here anymore,” Louis says. He’d had all these plans when he bought the house of playing footie with the lad and floating around on pool loungers and maybe even the occasional water balloon fight, and then he’d just kept saying “tomorrow” till tomorrow’s today, and it’s just him and Niall, silhouetted by the light spilling out of the kitchen windows.

it’s not really a crucial moment or anything, but i felt like it really captured that feeling of life passing you by; that bitterness of knowing you used to have something great, and having lost it, and the way you can want something or someone so bad you don’t even know how to ask for it. (at least, that’s what i hope it says.) 

50. found family - my FAVORITE theme

i have a healthy respect for fate - ‘there is a tide in the affairs of men,’ and all - but a lOT more regard for the bit that contradicts, ‘i have taken these tides of men into my hands and wrote my will across the sky in stars.’ there’s definitely a kind of crossover for me between family and genetics and even learned behaviors and fate, and on the other hand, found family and the parts of ourselves that we choose. 

my dad’s watchwords are ‘but they’re blood,’ as if that settles everything. which it SO doesn’t, at least not to me! a lot of reason for the way i am is because i want to be as unlike my family as possible, and that’s all about choice, really. caving to blood and genetics and stuff i can’t do anything about is like accepting defeat. (there’s a lot of this stuff in oaft, looking back.) but lotr is such a good example of the way you can sort of tie these conflicting values of fate vs. choice together, though, like all those times sam and frodo reflect on how they’d never have accepted the ring quest if they knew what it entailed, and will people tell their stories someday? you don’t often get to know the full extent of what you’ve signed up for, but you do get to choose. so that’s what found family is to me, really - a way of choosing your own fate, accepting the quest you think you can abide. 

i rely a lot on connections between people in my fics, whether it be one acting as another’s human credentials and making them seem lovable at their worst moments, or of tethering them to other people, memories, even parts of the world. i love the way those connections that are made, and not born, can be the most important thing. two of my favorite books, mrs. dalloway and howards end, are built around this idea of “Only connect . . .” where connecting  to people and then connecting them to each other is, like, what life is all about. i like to imagine it looks a bit like portolan charts from back in the day, where maps were made based on the connections between places. some were near and some far, but all tied into the same network, and all tied to each other, albeit with some degree of separation. whenever my directions start getting mixed up, it’s soothing to think of these forged connections making sense of everything.