#i want to stay up until midnight writing soul crushing angst

[kissagii]

currently listening to sleeping at last and i regret to inform you that i am feeling... feelings.

[lostgreekgod]

delusion: part 2

"a/n: hello, hello! cant say i didnt sniffle a little writing this one.

words: 6539 (the word limit kind of faded away as i got emotional)

pairing: loki x f!reader

warnings: angst, but ends with fluff. but a lot of angst. mentions of death, blood, and fingers. and dead bodies. and hypnotism?

another a/n: thanks to @theaudacitytowrite for this little adventure. cant say I wont miss it.

tagging all those who requested for a part 2: @karushinekomiya @midnights-ramblings @savoryloki

read part 1 here!

37 minutes. That’s how long it took for y/n to have her soul crushed. Not crushed, ripped, and trampled all over repeatedly, until her very essence was terminated, until she was nothing but a bag of bones, muscles, and blood. She fell back into her bed as she watched Loki leave her. Forever. She didn’t matter to the god. Of course she didn’t. why did she ever believe that she would be of any importance to him? A mighty god like Loki, a literal prince! What was some simple Midgardian to a being of such alleviated status? y/n felt something trail down her cheek. She was crying. 4 years, 3 months, and 27 days of not one tear- not even when her parents left her to rot- and it took only 37 minutes for her ex-lover to have her eyes release such a foreign substance. She wasn’t even sobbing, just one lonesome tear trailed past her cheekbone, just one tear that contained all her anger, sadness, and pain. She wished she could cry harder. She wished she could cry her eyes dry, and just spontaneously combust while she was at it.

“Okay since the door is open, I’m assuming you guys aren’t doing anything that will scar me for life-“

Nat. Of all those times she could walk into y/n’s room, she picked today. She faltered as she took in the image of y/n sprawled on the bed, staring at the ceiling and into nothingness.

“y/n?” she whispered as she reached for her friend. Her blood froze as she took in y/n’s face. Pale, like a corpse. y/n still hadn’t acknowledged Natasha’s presence. Gently shaking y/n’s shoulder, Natasha called her name again. Nothing. Was she even breathing? Natasha began to panic. Her only friend- aside from Wanda- What ever happened? y/n was fine when she left training a while ago-

“Nat,” came y/n’s voice, a gentle, hoarse whisper.

Rushing to her side, Nat brushed her hair away from her face. “y/n, what happened?”

Finally, y/n met Natasha’s eyes. The pain was so evident in them, just bared out for the whole world to see. Vulnerable, weak. Natasha had never seen y/n like this. The y/n she knew was strong, so strong.

“y/n,” she breathed, “talk to me.”

“He left me.” Her voice cracked, almost as if it wanted to match with the likeliness of her cracked heart.

“What? Right now?”

y/n nodded, not trusting her voice. If only she could find a release for that awful swell in her throat.

“Hours before a mission?” Natasha could have slapped herself for blurting out something so insensitive. Here laid her friend, literally looking like death, and she was worried about a mission. Sure, they had 4 lives to save, but what good was a near-dead agent in a rescue operation?

Natasha had initially come over to y/n’s room for last-minute mission prep. Yes, they had about 2 hours left for the mission, but she could never be too careful with anything.

“Would you like me to leave you alone?”

y/n simply continued to stare at the ceiling. Natasha wished she could see what she was thinking. Although she looked like death, Natasha couldn’t help but notice how she had cried just one tear. Anyone could tell that she needed a while to collect herself. Natasha decided to step out, probably approach Fury and issue a last-minute change of plan. She could take Clint and Peter. Not the best replacement, but she could have Peter go in and look for the agents, while she placed Clint at a farther position, as backup for Peter.

“Stay.” y/n breathed out when Natasha began to retract her arms away.

Perhaps Natasha could stay and provide her friend some support, just for a few minutes. She felt awful about how she couldn’t help more, but this was the most she could do at the moment. ‘Missions first, personal problems next. What are you a hero for?’ as Fury would say. Natasha thought of Loki. How she wished she could knee him in the groin and then cause him a slow painful death.

“Coming up with a plan for murder?” y/n asked, somewhat with a hint of amusement in her voice.

Looking up at y/n’s face, Natasha relished the little smile on her face. Heartbroken as y/n was, she was still alive.

“You know me so well.” She snickered.

“Don’t bother Nat. He doesn’t deserve it.” Lies. Although y/n really wished to let Nat murder Loki, her love for him outdid that need.

“y/n, as much as I would like to stay with you like this, I’m afraid I have work to do. I need to find replacements so the mission can still-“

y/n’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? Replacements?”

“Yes, you obviously cannot go on a mission in this state. I mean, have you seen yourself?”

No. No, no, no. The mission was the only distraction she was counting on. If she stayed behind, she would probably end up doing something she never once thought she would.

“I want to come, Nat. I’m fully capable of fighting today.”

“y/n, think about this. Loki- “ Nat paused, concern refilling her when y/n flinched at his name. Rephrasing, she tried again, “he’s going to be there too, and we cannot risk any mistakes.”

“Nat. you know me. You know how I am. Would I let a little squabble in my personal life come in the way of my work?” y/n was probably lying again, she didn’t know how she could manage being in close proximity with the same person who managed to suck out her very soul, but it was so much better than the alternative. If y/n was deemed unfit for the mission, she would have to spend a day doing nothing, and that was not something she was looking forward to.

“Let me partake in the mission, Nat. I promise ill be okay. I just needed a few moments to collect myself.” y/n added a little smile at the end, hoping she could have Natasha fooled into believing that she was fine.

Gauging her response, Natasha studied y/n’s face for a moment. It was obvious she was lying, but Natasha knew better. She had to let y/n do this. Nodding, she relented.

“Promise you’ll be okay?” she asked, squeezing y/n’s shoulder once before standing up.

“Promise.”

//

He still had 2 hours to burn. 2 hours before he set out on a mission with the person he loved, aka the person whose heart he broke. Once her best friend, Natasha Romanoff found out, she’d probably come straight up to his room to kill him. He would have laughed if he was capable of feeling anything at the moment. He laid in his bed. The mattress was cold, hard, empty. Not even an hour since he left y/n for good, and he was already missing her. Her soft body flush against his chest, as he inhaled her chocolaty scent. The little sighs she subconsciously let out when he wrapped his arms around her. The little twitch in her lips when he whispered something in her ear. It was too late before he realized what he was doing. His heart stopped as his mind screamed at him, you can’t think of her! You don’t deserve to think about her, let alone lay next to her!

Inhaling deeply, he curled up into a ball. How he wished he was someone else. If it weren’t for his past, he and y/n could have lived one of the sweetest lives. Sure, she was a Midgardian, he would still figure out a way to keep her with him forever. If only.

“Top of the morning to you, brother!” Thor’s voice bellowed. Loki groaned internally. It seems, while he was in the middle of his self-deterioration, he forgot to lock his room door.

“What’s gotten you so sullen?” Would he simply leave if Loki didn’t respond?

“Brother. Hello.” Thor said again, shaking Loki’s shoulders. Clearly, he was unaware of Loki’s mental state- but then again, Loki was always like this with everyone. Except his y/n. His y/n? Nope, not anymore. Just y/n.

“Thor.” Loki said, finally acknowledging his cheery brother’s presence.

“Ah, finally. It seems to be getting harder every day to obtain a response from you, brother, hence I must ask- is everything alright?”

Loki wanted to laugh. Hysterically. So, he did. Slow laughter built up in his throat, and before he knew it, his laughter boomed all the way from his stomach. Cold, dry laughter that would run chills up one’s bones. When was the last time he had laughed like this? Out of sorrow? Out of spite for himself?

“Whoa. Am I dreaming? I have never seen you laugh like this, brother. I am now very concerned for you.” Came Thor’s voice, causing Loki’s laughter to die down. Laughter is supposed to make people feel better, right? But the feeling in Loki’s stomach would prove that otherwise. I do not deserve to laugh.

“To what do I owe your presence, dear brother?” Loki was surprised his voice sounded so collected. Almost as if he didn’t just take someone’s heart and stomp all over it. His heart churned as he remembered what he had done. He just wanted to lay in bed and sob.

“It is mission day, brother! We must prepare!” Thor bellowed; his previous question forgotten.

“As it is. Leave. I shall arrive at the quinjet in due time.” Loki hoped Thor didn’t hear how his voice wavered in the slightest.

“Brother- “

“Leave, Thor,” he breathed, his voice cracking at the slightest, “I beg of you.” Maybe Thor didn’t sense the wavering earlier, but he definitely caught this. Besides, Loki never begged.

“What did you do, Loki?” Thor asked gently. It now dawned on him why Loki crawled into a ball. Since they were children, Thor had seen how he would do that every time something had hurt his heart.

Loki scoffed at how Thor questioned his deeds. Of course, Thor would suspect him of some wrongdoing. It was never ‘What happened, Loki?’. Just the accusatory, ‘What did you do now?’. Although, this time, it was his fault. All his fault. Monster.

“y/n,” he said.

“y/n? What happened to y/n?” Loki could feel the sudden anger surge in him. Big, ugly anger- filled with resentment for himself. Why won’t Thor leave him alone? Why can’t he just leave, leave Loki to rot in his room?

“I broke her heart, Thor. I took it, trampled all over it, and left her to scavenge for the shattered bits. Is that enough? Or would you like me to tell you more? Leave, Thor. Leave me alone. I will report at the quinjet for the mission soon.”

Thor realized Loki’s predicament. He knew a situation like this might arise sooner or later, but he hadn’t expected it to occur at such an intensity. His little brother had only begun to experience the joys of love, of living, he had just begun to heal, and his demons were eating at him already.

Sighing, Thor began. “Loki. Look at me.” When Loki didn’t respond, Thor forced him to face him and meet his eyes.

“I may not have a clue about how you deal with most things, but I do know what you are feeling right now, brother. I have known you for many millennia, and no matter how clever and secretive you are, I can always tell how you feel. You feel undeserving of y/n, am I correct?”

Loki inhaled sharply at Thor’s accurate judgment. Was he so predictable?

Almost as if reading his mind, Thor continued, “You aren’t predictable, dear brother. In fact, you are far from it. But it wouldn’t take a fool to see how you feel about y/n. We all see how you look at her, Loki. Like you love her. Like you would do anything for her. But what you don’t realize is that we also see how she looks at you. She loves you, regardless of your scars, your past; she loves you for your heart- she loves you for you, Loki. Anyone who’s incapable of seeing that is simply an ignorant idiot.” Loki’s eyes widened at Thor’s revelation. y/n loved him regardless of what he had done in New York. She loved him, not because he was a god or a prince, but because he was him. Because he was Loki. How could he have been so blind? He wanted to smack himself for being so naïve & insecure. He should have just talked about it to y/n, like she always suggested. ‘Talk to me if you have a problem, Loki. It’s what all couples do. They support each other,’ she had said to him once.

“It isn’t too late. It never is. You can always fix it. Do you understand?” Thor said, bringing Loki back from his thoughts.

Loki needed to sit down and think, and Thor shaking him to elicit a response to his monologue wasn’t really helping.

“Are you done, brother?” Loki asked, his voice and face still monotonous. He needed time with himself. Besides, he never responded to Thor in any other manner. To break that ritual now was to sin.

Thor, however, couldn’t see past Loki’s monotony. Sighing, he said, “I hope you think of my words, Loki. You need y/n, as much as she needs you. Come to terms with that for yourself.”

\\

“Based on what we can tell, they’re going to ask us for the hard drive before they give us Agents Samson, Waller, Bryson, and Stevens- so we’re going to have to stay on our toes,” Hill began, Natasha and y/n listening on intently. Loki wasn’t anywhere to be found, but then he hardly attended the briefings. He simply read case files and had a pretty good idea of what was to be done. “Natasha will be our front. She will deliver the drive, while y/n and Loki go in search of the agents. We need to ensure that we find our men before the decryption of the drive.” She said, looking back at her tablet.

Just then, Loki walked in, looking as pristine and collected as ever. As if he wasn’t running on sleep from a day ago, as if he didn’t have a broken heart weighing him down. y/n’s anger surged. It was infuriating how he wasn’t affected even to the littlest. She put on her mask of indifference perfectly. Last night didn’t happen. Loki was simply her coworker, and she was going to have this mission take place perfectly.

“Um, Agent Hill? Is it possible for me to take Agent Romanoff’s position?” y/n’s voice rang before Hill could give further instructions. Loki noticed how y/n looked calm and ready. Ready, to pounce like the lioness she was. She didn’t acknowledge his presence. Usually, when they met up at briefings, she’d give him the tiniest of smiles, but the sparkle in her eyes would speak more than what they could converse in a lifetime. That one moment always made his morning. He wouldn’t deny the sting he felt in his chest when she asked Agent Hill to change her position.

Agent Hill looked into her tablet and frowned. “I’m sorry Agent y/l/n, but this is the best way we can proceed while ensuring minimal casualties. Loki’s seidr, accompanied by your stealth will help in a faster rescue. Not many people are capable of resisting Natasha’s sweet-talking, so it is best for her to be on the receiving end of the exchange.” she said, winking at Natasha; grinning as Nat returned the wink. “And guys, a quick note. We don’t know these people; we don’t know how they work. If in case shit goes down, call for backup. We’ll be in ASAP. You have a 60-minute time bridge to be in and out. If you’re not out by then, we’re coming in. Understood?”

Quickly sheathing her disappointment, y/n nodded in agreement, “Affirmative, ma’am.” It seemed as if she had to face him after all. But no matter, she reminded herself. I am a hero. An Avenger. My people before myself.

//

“Alright guys, let's move in. I will enter through the main, you both through the back doors. Wait for my signal, and as soon as you receive it, go. Do not waste your time. I assume you have memorized the floor plans?” Natasha asked, putting a gun into her thigh holster. y/n nodded as Loki simply stared.

“Go on then, good luck.”

Loki used his magic to put some sort of cloaking around himself and y/n as they walked quietly towards the backdoors of the abandoned silo. The rival organization had set up a temporary location there for the exchange, and their current invisibility enabled them to walk comfortably.

Loki took a deep breath. It was unwise to have a conversation, nevertheless an intimate one during a stealth mission, but he had to talk to her. Let her know that he was sorry.

“y/n, I have to talk to you about earlier,” he began, looking for a reaction in her.

He waited for a moment. Several moments.

“y/n.” he tried again.

Nothing. Not even a flicker of emotion in her.

“I’m sor- “

“Don’t. Don’t for one second, think you can talk to me. Not after what you did.” She sneered at him, fresh fury blazing in her eyes like Greek fire. Loki flinched at her sudden reaction. He never flinched. “You do not get to talk to me after I bared myself open to you like I did, only to have you scoff at me, and deem me worthless.”

y/n was now angry with herself. It enraged her how Loki was able to elicit such a response from her with 3 mere sentences. She had to stay more collected. Ignorance, she decided. The best choice of weapons.

Loki decided to attempt again later. He could not give up on his love. He could still hear Thor telling him about how he could fix it. Loki used his seidr to pick the lock on the back door. So far, they couldn’t see anyone. No snipers, no guards, nothing. He ignored the chills that ran up his back.

y/n had her gun at the ready. It didn’t matter if they were invisible, there could be heat sensors. She wasn’t going to let the little kerfuffle from a few minutes ago faze her. Her skin rose in goosebumps as she sensed the eerie silence. Something was wrong.

On Natasha’s command, they moved in, both walking on guard in perfect formation. y/n in front of Loki, with her gun out, while Loki stayed behind her with his daggers in his hands. They walked around each other in perfect sync as they scanned their surroundings. They moved past the pitch-dark corridors as y/n tried to look for signs of an ambush. So far, they had to have encountered at least a few guards. The plan was to silently take them out as they continued to look for the kidnapped agents. y/n looked back at Loki and turned away before he could make eye contact with her. His heart pumped steadily, his blood filling with adrenaline in response to the suspicious silence. They approached another door, and based on the floor plans, they had to go through the room ahead. The only problem was that it was a very big, and possibly empty one. Some sort of a torture chamber, y/n figured, from the lack of furniture and other basic things. She cracked the door open. A single chair. That’s all she found in the center of the room. Was that blood? y/n’s muscles froze as she noticed the table with numerous surgical tools- no, torture devices. A little knife-like object laid in a steel tray, covered in blood. And fingers. So many fingers. y/n gasped at the image in front of her. The junior agents had been tortured in the very room they were in. She looked around for active cameras. 4 in each corner of the room. She was thankful for the invisibility curtain Loki’s magic was able to provide. Suddenly, Loki was tapping at her shoulder, trying to get her attention. He frantically pointed at a bundle in the corner of the room. White sheets. Drenched in blood. She moved towards it slowly. Please don’t be what I think it is. Please.

Uncovering the flimsy cotton, her eyes widened. “The Agents.” She breathed, meeting Loki’s eyes. He looked as mortified as she did. All four of them were dead. Tortured, left to bleed out slowly. It’s a trap. y/n realized, her blood curdling up. Only then did she notice the tripwire around the sheets. We’ve been tricked.

“y/n!” came Nat’s voice in her earpiece. “y/n- it’s a t-t-trap! Crack. G-get out of t-there! N-n-now Crack. R-r-rendezvous at-t b-back- Crack.” not even the static in Nat’s transmission could have left them confused about what they had gotten into.

In a blink, there were lights, everywhere. Red lights, lasers, sirens, noise resonating all over. They had been spotted.

“Well, well, well. Look who we have here,” Came a deep, cold voice from behind them. A man in a white coat, followed by a woman who seemed like an assistant- who was followed by at least a dozen men who looked like SWAT agents, except they had much more brandished weapons. The 2 doors in the room shut with a bang, leaving Loki and y/n trapped; with 4 dead agents, and the many people who probably wanted them dead- but not before having their fun.

“Agent y/n, and Loki, the God of Mischief.” He sneered at them.

y/n pointed her gun at him while Loki drew out his daggers and flipped them. That would have had y/n swooning on a good day, but not today.

“The one and only,” Loki stated. “Now let us through, or it will be the end of our short-timed pleasantries.” he sneered, adrenaline flooding in his veins, causing his green irises to turn almost completely black.

“Now, now. There’s no reason to be so hostile,” the man said, his mouth twisting into some crooked sort of smile. “After all, I am sure you do not have the capability to fight past all of my soldiers.”

He was right. Loki’s seidr could probably take out a few, and y/n’s ammunition a few more, but not before they were electrocuted or whatever those hi-tech weapons were capable of. She needed to contact backup. And fast.

“Let us out, unworthy scum. We’ve given you the intel anyway.”

“Behave, Agent y/n. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to fall for a corrupted drive?”

Loki wanted to smash his teeth in. How dare he talk to his beloved like that?

“And you are?” y/n asked the man, changing the subject and trying to stall him. The drive plan had failed, which meant that Natasha could be in trouble. Besides, they needed to come up with a new plan to get out without any more trouble. Not even 10 minutes in, and they were already cornered.

“Fred. I am also a doctor.” The grey-haired man said. y/n would have laughed if she wasn’t already upset and running on almost no sleep.

“.. your name is Fred?” she asked, silently trying to reach for her walkie.

“Yes. Is that a problem?”

“No, but I was expecting something more ... traditional. Something that would suit that malice in your eyes a little better,” She stalled. “Something more Russian. You look very Russian.”

All Loki could do was stare at y/n with a prideful smile when he realized what she was trying to do. His little lioness, so daring and clever.

Grinning like a madman, Fred turned to his assistant. “I like this one. Although, what’s all this about being Russian? I just don’t get it.”

y/n would have responded if not for the dart in her neck.

“Hey!” she felt the poison running through her veins in no time. Her sight faltered, her own voice sounding distorted.

“No!” Rang Loki’s panicked voice. His heart fought against his ribcage. What had he done? If only he hadn’t gestured at the bundle, if only he told y/n it was better to leave the moment they spotted it. They knew the junior agents were dead the moment they saw it, what was the need for him to have y/n uncover the sheets?

“Don’t worry, Mr. Laufeyson. It is only a sedative. Your girlfriend will be fine.” The doctor chortled.

It was now y/n’s turn to freak out. “How did ... how did you…” she mumbled; her eyes widening at the colors that brimmed in her vision. Her heart calmed to a surprising rate, a sloppy smile on her lips as she sank onto the floor.

“Please, Agent y/n. Like I said, I’m not stupid. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice the way you look at each other?”

Thor’s voice rang in Loki’s ear. ‘It wouldn’t take a fool to see how you feel about y/n, Loki.’ He would have smiled if it weren’t for their current state.

“Mmm,” y/n hummed. Understandable, she wanted to say. “Un- un- under the sea.” She managed, with a goofy smile and a giggle bubbling from her chest.

Chuckling at y/n, the doctor said, “I’ll see you soon, Mr. Laufeyson.”

That was all Loki heard before everything went black.

//

He gasped loudly as he woke up. Where was he? He scanned his surroundings and realized he was in a lab-like settlement. No doors, just 2 bullet-proof glass windows behind which a number of doctors and agents stood. Along with Fred. His heart sped up as he took in y/n. Strapped onto a bed with numerous wires attached to her head. She was still unconscious from the sedative. He pulled at his arms only to notice he was shacked to the walls.

“Nice of you to finally join us, Mr. Laufeyson!” Loki heard a cheery voice through the speakers. “Shall we begin?” Fred asked, pausing for a few moments as Loki realized he was waiting for a response.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his mind numb. How was he going to get out? Where was Agent Romanoff?

“Ah, so glad you asked. This nice lady here,” he gestured, “is Doctor May. She specializes in hypnotism.”

What did they need a hypnotist for? If they were planning to hypnotize Loki, they were in for a disappointment because that really wouldn’t work on him.

Looking at Loki’s expression, the doctor smiled. “Don’t worry, it's not for you! It's for our dear y/n here! Doctor May here has so skillfully come up with a serum that we can test on y/n. We’re going to turn her against you, watch an epic battle- to the death; and if she survives, hooray! We’ll have her rejuvenate and train before using her to infiltrate SHIELD!” he cooed. His tone did not go with the threats he was spewing. "Oh, I also forgot to mention, we're giving her superstrength, just for the sake of it. see what happens."

Loki’s blood turned to ice. “What if she doesn’t survive?” he asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Oh well, if she doesn’t, we’ll harvest your powers and whatnot! But not to mention we will be very disappointed in her.” The doctor said, frowning playfully.

Loki’s chest seemed to cramp up onto itself. He tried to pick the locks on his cuffs with his seidr.

“Did you really think we’d let you have seidr while in captivity? Gosh, SHIELD. Keep thinking I’m stupid. See what that does for you.” Fred mumbled, rolling his eyes dramatically.

“No! No. Fred. You do not want to do this,” His silver tongue was the only thing he could rely on now. He couldn’t let them hurt his y/n. Ignoring the sweat running down the side of his head, he donned a sweet smile and crooned, “let her go. I am far more powerful than she is. If you release her, I promise to submit to you, causing you no difficulty. My seidr and my other strengths. All yours. I will give you any intel you need.” He promised, his nerves slightly betraying him. That’s it. Take the offer, Fred. Let y/n go. It’s my fault she’s here anyway.

“Hmm, let me think,” Fred said, placing his index on his chin. Uh oh. “How about no?” he snapped, quickly letting that carefree smile adorn his face again. Loki’s smile faltered. “Unfortunately, your proclamation isn’t as fun as my idea, Mr. Laufeyson.” No seidr, no backup. He was going to have to fight the one he loved.

“May, commence operation Omega!” Fred yelled, bouncing on his toes. “I’m so excited!” he yelled, his arms flailing around. Loki couldn’t help but notice how the man’s appearance did not suit his personality even by a percent. Creepy.

He watched as y/n’s body started shaking. She was seizing. His stomach dropped as the horror registered in his mind. The wires suddenly detached from her head with a sickening pop as she opened her eyes. Her e/c irises now glowed bright blue. Like electricity in her fibers. Loki’s chest clenched at y/n’s foreign expression. How long had it been since they got in? Surely Agent Hill must have realized something was wrong by now?

He flinched as the shackles around his hands clicked open. He was incapable of fighting y/n, let alone killing her. He couldn’t stand the idea of landing his fist on her.

“Ah, hello? Subject 7? Can you hear me?” Fred’s annoying voice crooned.

“Yes,” y/n said, her face devoid of any expression. Almost as if she was a robot. Loki’s skin rose up in goosebumps as he heard her cold emotionless voice. This was not his y/n.

“Good,” the doctor beamed. “Destroy.” That’s it. One simple command for y/n to turn to Loki and snarl at him.

“y/n,” Loki whispered. No, no, no. He felt tears prickling in his eyes. He’d rather die a thousand deaths than lay a hand on her.

“You’re pretty. But I’m going to kill you.” y/n smiled, her mouth letting out a little giggle. That wasn’t her giggle. It was cold, malevolent.

“Doctor May, what was that? It was cute, but I don’t remember asking for that?” Fred asked, frowning at the lady. Stuttering, she said, “I-I believe the serum hasn’t taken complete effect, sir. Part of Subject 7’s personality i-is still accessible to her.”

“Aw,” Fred groaned. “Do I have to kill you, Doc?” he asked the lady, whose eyes were now wide as saucers.

“N-no, sir. I assure you it won’t be a p-problem. I will have it fixed b-before administering the next dose.”

“Okay!” Fred smiled again.

Loki overheard their little conversation. Could he still reach for his y/n, which was buried underneath the cold exterior, courtesy of the serum?

“y/n,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. She didn’t respond, but simply charged at him with a growl.

Loki dodged her, putting a safe distance between the two of them before trying again as his mind screeched at him. All your fault! Why did you let y/n uncover the sheets? You knew it was dangerous, you knew they were dead!

“y/n, it's me,” Loki said softly, trying to get her to look at him. He took a step towards her when he saw that she wasn’t going to lunge at him.

“y/n … I know you’re in there.”

Loki thought he saw a flicker in her eyes.

“Doc! What’s going on?” Fred exclaimed; his face glued to the glass.

Loki decided to get closer. “My love,” the words sounded foreign to his ears, no doubt, but it had never felt so right.

“Come back to me,” He whispered, reaching for her; tears obscuring his vision. “Please.”

y/n lunged at him; a perfect roundhouse directed towards his face. But Loki’s reflexes had always been faster. She circled him, like a predator assessing its prey.

Fred banged at the glass. “Subject 7! We do not have all day!” He yelled, and now y/n was rushing towards Loki. She swung her fist at his jaw as Loki dodged her, only to receive another punch on his throat. Coughing and sputtering, he glanced at y/n, his eyes speaking words he never had a chance to say. Rubbing his neck, he said in the gentlest voice he could muster, “Please, my love. You do not have to do this,” he paused, gauging y/n’s reaction. He noticed how her movements faltered every time he spoke in that gentle voice. “It’s okay, y/n,” he whispered, his eyes holding hers as he reached to cup her face. Everything slowed down when clarity sank into Loki, chilling his bones like ice on a hot plate. He now knew what he had to do.

“It’s me, look at me, my love,” he breathed, his eyes searching hers. Flicker. His y/n was fighting underneath the shadow that had taken over her body.

“I love you,” He whispered to her. 3 words, just 3 words to let her know how sorry he was. To let her know he never meant any of it. to let her know, that it was all his fault.

“I love you, my darling, I always have; I’m so sorry this ever- “ Loki’s voice muffles down as the next event unfolds.

She’s suddenly kissing him, she’s kissing him like she’s never kissed before- raw and hungry- and for one moment, for one moment y/n's emerged from the shadow of the serum- to tell him, tell him that it was okay. That she understood. One kiss to let him know that she’s forgiven him, one kiss to let him know that she loved him too. Loki’s eyes widened as her warm lips held onto his like her life depended on it- except this time, it did- and he was kissing her back before he knew it. he wrapped his arm around her, his other arm knotting in her hair to support the force of the kiss- and he’s crying, he's crying as her fingers tangle in his hair, he’s crying like he’s never cried before- the tight wraps around his past wounds ripping open, he’s crying like he’s never going to experience this feeling ebbing from the depths of his heart ever again--

And he’s suddenly on the floor with y/n’s hands around his throat, her eyes electric blue again, a menacing smile playing on her lips.

“Yes! Yes!” Came Fred’s voice. “Finish him, Subject 7!”

y/n stared at Loki, her hands lowly tightening around his throat. He could only stare back at her, his tears running silently as he placed his hands around y/n’s wrists.

“Do it, y/n. Do it. I did not deserve you anyway,” he said as he choked on a sob, “but I just want you to know- I have always, always loved you; and I wish last night never happened. I wish for you to never, ever experience the pain you felt last night, I wish for you to be treated like the queen you are- “ he paused, meeting her eyes, a thousand emotions swimming in his mind; making it impossible for him to speak the numerous confessions he was attempting to make.

“I love you, y/n, and I regret not believing you when you said you did too.” He choked out before shutting his eyes and accepting his fate. He embraced death like an old friend, waiting for it to swoop in and steal his soul. He waited for that cold feeling of release, of being free. He would die for her instead.

“I love you too. I never stopped,” He heard a sweet voice whisper. He opened his eyes to y/n’s e/c ones. She had fought the serum. Her lips quivered as tears brimmed in her eyes, freely falling down her cheeks, as Loki’s hands reached for her cheeks. “I love you,” she said, and everything blows apart as the building explodes.

// a week later//

y/n opened her eyes to 2 smiling faces, groaning at the throb in her head. She noticed the other Avengers next to her, all smiling, grateful that she was okay. She was in a hospital bed.

“Welcome back!” Natasha and Steve yelled, causing y/n to shut her ears.

“Guys! Stop yelling!” y/n manages to say before furrowing her eyebrows and shutting her eyes.

“How long was I out?” she asked, her eyes still shut.

“a week,” Sam replied from her left.

“Whoa.” She whispered, trying to recollect the events that had unfolded.

She froze as the images came rushing back to her. She tried to kill Loki. Then she kissed him. ‘I love you,’ he had said, and the building had exploded on their fragile reconciliation.

“Loki!” she gasped, sitting back up, her eyes flailing around to look for him. Was he dead? Please don’t let him be dead.

“y/n! Calm down! You have 3 cracked ribs, not to mention the messed-up head, thanks to serum Omega. We need to make sure it still isn’t in your bloodstream,” Nat says, holding her down.

“Is Loki okay?” she asks Natasha, her heart in her throat.

“I'll bring him to you,” the red-haired agent smiles at her, before turning to the door. “Stay put,” she calls behind her.

“What happened to Fred?”

“Who?” Steve asked quizzically.

“That weird doctor.”

“Oh, probably died from the explosion. Our people are there as we speak, y/n, we’ll find out soon. Feel better, we’ll tell you the rest later.” he said with a warm smile.

How did they manage to get out? Sure, she was knocked out after the explosion, but she did witness the intensity. It would have been impossible to extract them from underneath the rubble- unless--

“y/n?” Loki’s tentative voice came from behind the infirmary’s door a few moments later. She looked at him, searching for any injuries he might have sustained. Loki ran up to her, grabbing her face, “You’re okay.” He said, kissing her gently. He snickered as y/n’s hand crawled up into his hair, pressing his lips into hers harder.

“So are you,” she smiled, looking at him with a look of pure adoration.

“What happened?” she asked Natasha, her fingers looping into Loki’s as he sat next to her.

“I escaped, noticed that you both hadn’t made it to the rendezvous point only to encounter more agents, fought my way out, called for backup, and the rest is history. The question is, what happened to you? We got only Loki’s version. Gotta hear yours,” she says, all in one breath.

“Perhaps give us a while before that?” Loki asks her, Natasha gasping slightly at the little smile on his face.

���Careful Loki, smile any wider and people might think y/n’s making you go soft,” she joked and turned around to leave, gesturing at the team to follow.

“Hey you,” y/n whispered, her index tracing Loki’s jaw. He leaned down to envelop her in yet another kiss, this one sweeter than the best Asgardian mead, filled with promises of tomorrow. He smiled into the kiss when her fingers knotted in his hair.

“I love you," Loki whispered, thanking whoever that he could say it to her again.

"Forever?” y/n asked, her voice still hazy from the kiss.

“Always.”

[alolowrites]

Midnight Fantasies

Summary: Shinsou reminds you why you’ll always love him. 

Song Inspiration: “Repeat After Me” by The Weeknd

Author Note: *gasp* Did I actually post a new story and it’s NSFW?!? Crazy, I know. I’m honestly surprised it’s not Bakugou doing the honors LMAO. It’s my first attempt writing a NSFW fic, so I am nErVoUs ahsdksjd. I really like how it turned out; y’all can thank The Weeknd for this.

MINORS PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT. PLS. 

Warnings: Aged-Up Characters; Fem!Reader; Oral Sex (Female receiving); some basic, vanilla, sex tbh (baby steps y’all). Unprotected sex (whoops); Slight angst?? I’m sorry, I had to. Not sure if im missing something else....

Word Count: 1.6K+

3:16am

A tiny flame burns quietly on your bedside table, casting a glow on your whimpering face. You sink further into the silky pillows and close your eyes—his sinful touches are heavenly. They are the cure to the madness that was eating you alive the last few nights. But tonight, oh, tonight is different as strong hands roam along your body, treasuring each curve like a precious gift sent from above.

You let out a shaky breath, your fingers curling on the soft covers that probably won’t survive once the morning sun rises. But you don’t care as you feel his lips explore every inch of your bare shoulder. He moves toward your lovely neck and nips it softly, making you whine. A deep chuckle tickles by your ear as he hovers over you.

His left knee wedges in between your legs and grazes the dangerously wet panties. You moan, your hand clinging on his sculpted back muscles like a koala. He then grinds himself down on you, and your fingers dig into his thick skin. Oh, how he enjoys riling you up like this. You roll your hips to satisfy the pleasure burning inside your core.

“Fuck, Hitoshi…”

“That’s it,” he murmurs, his hot breath blowing against your heated skin. Shinsou gives you a chaste kiss, whispering, “Just relax. Let me take care of you tonight.”

A shudder runs down your spine—you yearned for this.

Shinsou listens to your body very carefully. He lets all the desperate squirms, the excited jolts, the heavy pants guide him on this long, sensual journey. You arch your back as Shinsou moves down, his lips leaving behind a blazing trail of kisses.

Breathy moans fill the room as the hemline of your satin nightdress rises up, exposing your ass. One of Shinsou’s palms greedily gropes it, amazed at how soft and delectable it feels. You pant harder as the hand travels south, the pace so agonizingly slow that your body is on fire. He stops and grips the thin fabric of your panties. You gaze at him, heart pounding when lustful eyes stare back at you.

They are like dark storm clouds ready to ravage the world—or in this case, you. A devious smile graces his lips as the panties slide off your legs and are tossed away, never to be seen again. You yelp when he pulls you closer to him, his face disappearing in between your legs. The anticipation grows as you feel him leave ghostly kisses along your inner thighs, waiting for those deadly lips to—

“S-shit,” you cry quietly, eyes shutting for a moment.

Shinsou’s tongue gives a teasing flick on your clit. He grins and licks around the swollen area, peppering it with kisses as well. You squirm on the bed and release another shaky breath. Shinsou wastes no time sucking your wet cunt, his mouth savoring the sweet taste dripping out your quivering hole.

A broken gasp rips through the air when his thumb circles on your clit. It moves at a steady rhythm, and you ride along with it, panting heavily the quicker he goes. You don’t want it to stop—not when the pleasure is so damn addicting, making your toes curl. Shinsou then sucks on the sweet spot, hard, and you moan louder.

“Oh, god, yes,” you chant like a broken record. One hand grips his messy hair, and you shiver when he grunts. Your hand has a mind of its own, pushing his face deeper to keep that friction going. “Fuck, more.”

And Shinsou obliges, devouring your throbbing pussy like a starved man. You simply buck your hips against his mouth and dig your fingers on his scalp until it bleeds. Shinsou holds you in place, the filthy sounds of his tongue pushing you over the edge. You keep hanging until it’s all too much and cry out in pure ecstasy, the waves rippling down your body.

Shinsou finally comes up for air, his chin dripping with that sweet cum of yours. He wastes no precious time capturing your lips that are dying for his attention. You fully surrender to him without hesitation, letting the man’s tongue dance inside your mouth. The blended taste of your honeyed cum and his saliva—an intense, rich flavor of ripe raspberries—overwhelms all of your senses.

You pull back when Shinsou grinds himself against you once more. That’s when you feel his large cock bulging through his boxers, teasing you to no end. He shifts a little, and the bed groans. Through half-lidded eyes, you whimper at the sight of Shinsou pumping his hard rock shaft, a bit of pre-cum dripping from the head. It playfully brushes your wet folds, but you can’t wait any longer.

You just can’t.

“Please, Hitoshi,” you beg, not bothering to hide the desperation cracking in your voice. “Please, I—hngh.”

Shinsou squeezes your hips, almost encouraging you to say it. “Tell me.”

“I-I need you,” you quiver. “P-Please, I—”

Your mouth parts with a silent cry when Shinsou sinks his cock. He hisses a bit, feeling the spongy warm walls stretch around him. You mewl as he fills you up, slowly and with great care. The sensation is new yet oddly familiar and satisfies that intense hunger you had the past few nights. You shut your eyes and bite your lip—Shinsou feels amazing, the thick girth of his twitching inside your pussy.

Shinsou’s thumb caresses across your cheek, and you look at him. With a slight nod, Shinsou begins rocking you, the bed creaking with each move. His hips roll like the gentle ocean waves under a clear night sky. There’s no rush, no hurry; Shinsou wants to cherish every single second inside you, and he relishes your lovely moans filling the air.

You wrap one leg around his waist, and he holds onto it with a vice grip. Shinsou soon crashes his entire weight on you as his forearm rests near your face. He groans when your pussy clenches tightly on him.

“That’s right,” Shinsou grunts near your ear, giving you a firm thrust for good measure. “You don’t love him. Not when you’re thinking of me, kitten. Not when I’m fucking you.”

“M’fuck, Toshi!” You cling to him as Shinsou continues to rock you deeper and deeper, his pace pounding you into oblivion. “Oh god, yes…yes…”

He’s hitting you just right, over and over again, with no sign of stopping. You drown yourself in the sea of immense desire. Suddenly you’re captivated with everything Shinsou does to you. It’s his ragged breaths that scorch your skin like a raging wildfire. It’s his massive muscles that mercilessly crushes you into the mattress, trapping you there with no hope of escape. It’s his fingers—rough and enormous—that selfishly claim your skin, reminding you that you belong to him.

At least for tonight.  

You gaze into his eyes, raging with lust.

“Repeat after me,” Shinsou rasps in between each breath. “You don’t love him.”

“I...I don’t love him.”

“You love me.”

You nod, mouth trembling. “I love you, Hitoshi.”

Shinsou lets out a feral growl at your final words—words of affirmation that you both know to be true. They make him go wild, each of his thrusts more maddening than the last. You cry harder and dig into his tensed shoulders as Shinsou ravages you like no tomorrow. Yet, he holds onto his promise, and that is satisfying you tonight.

The pleasure builds rapidly throughout your body. You can feel it bubbling inside you, thrashing like waves during a stormy sea. Your eyes roll back, and your mouth opens wide, singing incoherent praises to Shinsou as he rides you through your orgasm. He holds you with all his strength when his own fervid release hits you seconds later.

Shinsou heaves loudly above you, sweat beads rolling down his forehead. His eyes never waver away from yours, admiring your flushed face. It’s beautiful, perfect even. You forgot how much Shinsou looks at you with such devotion that you break down crying.

“Hey,” he says, whispering your name. His thumb wipes a few tears from your cheek, and you flutter your gaze at him again. “It’s okay. You don’t have to cry.”

“I miss you, Hitoshi,” you croak, the tears raining down your face. “Fuck, I miss you so much.”

A faint smile barely reaches his eyes.

“I miss you, too,” he confesses, and you hear the regret flowing through his voice. Still, Shinsou fights through and swears: “But, I promise you will always be mine, okay? You’re mine, and I’m yours.”

“Okay,” you sniffle and gaze into his eyes.

You believe him with all your heart.

Shinsou reaches down and captures your lips once last time. The kiss holds a wistful longing for the old days of your enthralling relationship—the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the absolute blessings and worst mistakes imaginable, it all meshed perfectly together to create this messy mosaic called love. And Shinsou burns this into the depths of your soul where you feel it.

You absolutely feel it.

Shinsou buries his head into the crook of your neck, and you hold him, afraid to let him go. You wish to remain like this forever, sleeping peacefully in each other's arms. So you close your eyes and pray he won’t disappear.

But nothing stays forever. Shinsou’s familiar warmth and crushing weight slip through your grasp, becoming more like faded memories that float inside your head. You open your eyes and release a deep sigh—you’re alone again. All tired, sweaty, and wet, especially as you remove your fingers from your soaked pussy.

No other man could satisfy you; Shinsou made sure of that. He reminds you every single night, haunting your fantasies whether you’re getting off on your own or fucking with the new guy who wormed his way into your life. And you, as always, scream for Shinsou—discreetly or without shame.

Because you’ll always think of him. You’ll always fuck him. And you’ll always love him, repeating those words with your last dying breath.

Love is complicated, y’all. And yes, I couldn’t resist doing a little ~twist~ for the ending HA! 

Thanks for reading!! 

[obeymebabes]

Hi hi! Could I request a hc with the brothers where Mc does the same thing Clem,from eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind does? Like,MC and the brother breaks up and MC decides to get a procedure to erase him and their relationship? Sorry if this is confusing:(

I unfortunately have never seen the movie so I can't exactly base it on that, but I do like the idea of MC having their memory erased, so I did the best I could.

⚠️ Warning: Absolute pure angst. This broke my heart. Grab the tissues. Seriously, you'll need them. I cried writing every single one of these.

Lucifer

The break-up really hurt him. It hurt his pride, his heart, and his soul. This broken man was now in a million pieces.

Lucifer wasn't isn't very good at receiving kindness, or love, so it was new to him, but he still did his best.

Now, everything he had ever loved had found a way to betray him, and now you belong to that list as well.

Where did he go wrong? What happened? Was he not enough for you? He always tried, even going out of his comfort zone for you.

He would try his hardest not to show how broken down he truly was, not in public. But behind the scenes he would break down, letting the tears fall.

Even with all of his hurt, he always tried to make an effort to smile at you when you passed him in the hall, even though it physically pained him to see your face.

One day after RAD, you passed him in the hallway as you normally do, but he noticed you didn't even bother to look up at him, which was unusual for you.

Turning around, concerned, he painfully uttered your name, "MC?"

You turned around, a confused look on your face. "How do you know my name?" You paused, "Do I know you?"

There goes the rest of his pride. His heart sank. Did you really not remember him? What about your memories together? The relationship you had? All of those special nights you had spent together?

He was left completely speechless. He simply took a breath to try to avoid letting tears form and mumbled "I'm sorry" before fleeing the scene.

Lucifer desperately tried to erase such an awful memory from his mind but his negative thoughts became too much for him.

That night he was a mess, putting every ounce of blame on himself. He drank until it hurt. He cried alone in his room. His broken heart fueled a now drunken rage that tore him apart from the inside, out.

You were the last thing that truly held him together. You were his stability. Now, everything you ever shared was just a memory of his, and only his. How could this happen to him?

Mammon

Mammon never truly processed the break-up. He avoided it like he avoids his debt papers.

In his eyes it never happened. It was just a little fight, right? There was no way either of you meant any of it. He never meant what he said. He was just frustrated. His brothers stressed him out.

Mammon tried desperately. He begged, pleaded, did everything he could to try to convince you to take him back.

The memory of you crying and screaming "I wish I never met you!" haunted him, day after day, night after night.

However the memory never stopped him from trying to win you back.

Having a sudden burst of confidence one night he went down to your room, breathing a deep breath before knocking at your door then letting himself in.

"MC we need to ta-" His words cut short as he noticed the terrified and confused look on your face.

"Are ya okay? Why are ya lookin' at me like that?" Mammon's heart pained at the confused look you gave him.

"Should I know you?" You asked, staring blankly at the demon before you.

"MC, c'mon that ain't funny! Of course ya remember me! I'm The Great Mammon!" Mammon's golden blue eyes were now overflowing as his heart broke all over again as you sat in front of him with a very confused look on your face.

You eventually called for Lucifer, who had to remove his absolute mess of a brother from your room.

From outside of his door, the sound of destruction filled the empty silence of the halls. Through broken sobs he yelled to himself, saying he was nothing but scum.

While the scenes of you both together replayed in his head he couldn't understand how he had let it come to this. He had lost his most precious and treasured gift. You.

Levi

Levi didn't take the break up very lightly.

Night after night he would stay awake, distracting himself by playing games, watching anime, and talking to Henry 2.0.

"Of course this would happen, Henry, no one ever likes me. I'm just a stupid yucky otaku. I'll never be good enough, not like my brothers."

Levi spent many hours sobbing, just heartbroken at the little things that reminded him of you.

He didn't understand where he went wrong. What did he do to deserve this? Why did he have to get so attached to a normie anyway?

Rather than trying to talk to you about it, he hid in his room, making sure to avoid you at all costs.

What Levi didn't realize, is that the memories you shared, were bothering you just as much as they bothered him.

His heart ached, but eventually after being hyped up by his best pal, Henry, he mustered up whatever confidence he had to finally get out of his room and talk to you when he saw you.

He wasn't at all prepared for what was about to happen.

Already shaking like a leaf, his target was aquired. He noticed you were walking towards him. His heart beating out of his chest.

As you neared closer he took a breathe, tried to focus, and spoke up, "MC? C-Can we talk..? About u-us.. please. I-I need to know what happened. I can't take it anymore."

Your blank expression tugged at his already hurting heart, but your words truly felt like a final hit on a boss.

"Sorry, have we met before?" Your voice was calm and pure, indicating to him that you truly didn't know who he was.

Left frozen in shock, he could feel his body tingle, his eyes watering, his chest tighten, his throat left dry.

"N-No, I'm sorry. I-I thought you were someone else.."

When he finally got back to his room, he was both torn, and upset. Envious that you now didn't have to share the guilt and pain of remembering all of the great memories you both shared. He should've known better than to fall in love with a normie.

Satan

As good as he was at controlling his rage, he completely lost all of his cool after you both broke up. His heartbreak overwhelmed his emotions and he was barely able to keep himself in check.

He spent many nights trying to talk himself through the pain, reciting everything that went wrong and how he could've fixed it.

Satan tried desperately to look at the logistical side of this. But his heart hurt too much.

He had spent his time in the library, trying to use books as his way of keeping him grounded. The more he read, the more he realized that the scenes in the books he was reading reminded him of you and everything you shared together.

That was until you casually walked into the library.

His aching heart pained at the sight of you. He wasn't ready to see you just yet, but he maintained the little composure he had left. He had to speak the truth.

"I thought I'd never see you in here again. You know.. I miss you, and I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. I hope you can forgive me for acting like such a fool."

He studied you, but the more he watched, the more he felt his heart crush under the weight of your expressions.

"What? Oh, you're talking to me? Sorry, but I can't say I know who you are. I think you might have the wrong person."

Confused, he watched your puzzled face try to look for any sign of familiarity, "MC, what are you talking about?"

"Sorry, are you the librarian or something? Is that how you know who I am?"

Then it finally clicked in his head. You truly didn't remember him.

This boy was somehow even more shattered than before. His emotions too shocked to form a proper response.

"My apologies, I must get going."

When he finally reached his room, he slammed the door shut, sent into a seething rage from the pain that now flooded his chest, he destroyed his room, books tossed everywhere.

Satan wasn't the same after that. Blinded by the hurt, he went on a rampage, not making any attempts to hide his anger. He was torn apart, angry that he couldn't even do anything to prevent such a disastrous situation.

Now he holds all of your previous memories, and he can't do anything but cry over how much he misses what you had. Before the world around him turned dark.

Asmo

Of course Asmodeus didn't handle a break up very well. He either spent his time sulking around, or he out partying, overspending, and trying to hide the pain that you caused him.

Most nights Asmo would come home absolutely wasted, then eventually cry himself to sleep while he stared, broken-hearted, at the spot that you used to lay.

He wanted nothing more than to forget everything, to start over. He never wanted to lose you the way he did.

His broken heart could barely stand the sight of seeing you, and it was getting to the point where he was even ashamed to look himself in the mirror.

One of his drunken nights he stumbled through the empty midnight halls, tears already streaming down his perfect face.

His glossy eyes met yours as you headed down the hall for a late night snack.

"BABYYY!!" Asmo called, wiping his face before quickly clinging to your frame. He started to sob again, repeating his drunken slurs.

Carefully but with force, you pried the intoxicated demon from your body and looked at him confused.

"Sorry, I don't know who you think I am, but I don't know who you are, or what you're doing, so if you'll just...excuse me..." Your confused tone made him break down more.

"W-What do you mean you don't know who I am? I-I'm Asmo! I'm the... the prettiest d-demon in Devildom! Y-your lover!" He could hardly speak through his broken sobs, trying to crawl towards you, just to be able to touch you again.

Asmo pathetically watched you shake your head and stumble away from him, heading off to the kitchen like you intended.

Left a mess in the middle of the hall, Lucifer eventually heard his groaning and helped him back to his room.

Upon getting to his room he crawled to sit in front of his full body mirror, his peachy eyes examining every flaw he could find.

"How!? How could they forget me?! I-I thought they loved me? W-was I not enough? Was I ever enough?"

He continued to stare at himself in the mirror, mascara stains dripping down his face, lipstick smudged, hair a mess.

"I'll never be good enough. Why can't I be as pretty as I was when I was an angel? Why did I have to get cursed with this sin? Why? Why!?"

Asmo was broken. All he wanted was to be happy, together, with you. Now he was left with regret, a broken heart, and the precious memories that he could no longer think about without tearing up.

Beel

While he may have seemed completely fine on the outside, Beel was absolutely torn to pieces after the breakup.

Not everyone noticed, as he tried to play it off like he normally does when he is feeling upset.

Beel is one to keep his emotions to himself in fear that he will upset the ones he cares about most.

In an attempt to fill the painful void in his heart that was left from you leaving, he ate more. Everything in sight. It was a lot worse than usual.

Some nights after Belphie would fall into a deep sleep, he would just stay awake and cry, questioning himself and where he went wrong.

During a late night breakdown, with a growling stomach, he left the comfort of his room to quickly grab a snack from the kitchen.

While rummaging through the fridge, he wasn't able to hear you enter the room.

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone else to be in here." Your voice making him jump a bit, not expecting to hear you. His heart pained at the sound, but he quickly wiped his eyes before turning to you.

"Huh? Oh. Hello MC! I was just getting a snack, like I usually do. You know.." He tried to keep his composure while looking at you. He admired your face, missing being able to gently press his lips to yours, and hold you tightly in his arms.

"Oh? Uh, how did you know my name? I don't remember ever seeing you before.. are you new here?" Your words felt like needles throughout his body, but he smiles a soft smile.

"S-Sorry, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Beelzebub, the 6th born, Avatar of Gluttoney.. I uh, I hope to see you around more." And with that, he made his way back to his room.

Letting the pain of everything he has even been through wash over him like a tsunami, he let himself go. Belphie eventually woke up and found him still a mess and tried to comfort him.

He poured his heart out to his younger brother, who was now crying as he watched his soft-hearted brother cry to him.

Beel never truly recovered. He was just a shell of what he used to be, going many days without eating like he used to. He wanted to feel the pain of his hunger to distract himself from the memories he helplessly carried of your past relationship, and all of the other pain he has deep in his heart.

Belphie

Similar to his twin brother, Belphie was very good at hiding his emotions.

Your separation had him very uneasy. His mind wasn't able to fully grasp that you were no longer his.

He spent many of his days sleeping, much more than he normally would. He would miss meals, miss school, even miss student council meetings.

His sadness and pain of losing you only made him lose more motivation. He knew that there was nothing he could do.

After everything you'd been through, he knew deep down it was for the best.

Eventually he started having nightmares. At first they were nothing too unusual, simply reminders of your loss of relationship.

As time continued, they got more vivid, worrying the sleepy demon.

One night he had a dream you'd forgotten him. As if you'd never met him. He woke up in a cold sweat at the thought, but simply tried to brush it off.

The next morning he managed to get up for breakfast, sitting across from you. It was eerily silent as his brothers were worried about the tension between you both.

Watching you lean to your side towards Asmo, you'd whispered something that Belphie couldn't quite make out, but judging by the look on Asmodeus, it was not something he would've wanted to hear anyway.

Curiosity eventually getting the best of him, he pulled Asmo aside to ask what you'd whispered to him this morning.

With a dull face and hesitant expression, the Avatar of Lust told him that you'd asked who he was, as you didn't recognize his face.

With a heavy heart, Belphegor set off to try to find you. He had to know if his nightmare was in fact coming true.

"MC? D-Do you remember me?" The demon asked, holding himself together the best he could.

"I'm sorry, have we met before? I can't say I've ever seen you before?" Your words cut like knives.

So it was true? You didn't remember a thing.

While he was thankful he was able to start over, it pained him to know you'd never understand how he knew so much about you. Of course he couldn't say anything either, in fear of driving you away.

It haunted him for so many nights. Over and over he'd have the reoccurring dream that became reality. Eventually he gave in, staying up as many nights as he could before his body gave out from lack of sleep.

[mochii0park]

 meraki; chapter 01 I jhs

Title: Meraki

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader / Jin x Reader

Part of series: Waterlilies and Japanese Bridge

Genre: angst I fluff

Pairing: literaryscout!hoseok x writer!reader

Word count: 4.5k

Summary: Throughout your whole life you lived in your sister’s shadow, watching from side-lines as she formed herself into a successful businesswoman with an envying life. Never being able to fill her shoes you gradually understood the meaning of an estranged family and the burden it carried. The twenties began slowly slipping from your grasp which had been embedded with insecurities and longing for fulfilment. Pouring your heart out to strangers with a pseudonym meraki, you began second guessing the decision when an email lands in your inbox.

Author's note: unedited, it's 2am I'll reread it tomorrow

Taglist: if you want to be added to the taglist message me

@namsope32 , @cuteipat , @ofvopemin

Masterlist

Meraki masterlist

< intro | chapter 02 >

Seokjin got engaged and moved to the USA.

Your lanky fingers hover over the keyboard, the reality of the situation still lingering in the air. The send button felt heavy, as if the action would make a shift in your universe. You have already made mends with how things were going between you, but it still felt crushing.

Sucking up the little pride you had left after lying to your friend, you push the button and lock the phone hoping to gain some sanity in your walk back to the apartment. It had been a regular night out with your friends. Coffee chitchat alongside freshly baked cookies which you got as an apology for being late.

Your mutual friends felt the need to notify you of the sudden change in Seojkin’s life, wanting you to hear it from them first. Pushing it to the back of your mind as nothing but an additional fact, you continue through the night with a smile. That lasted until you the rounder the corner.

Seokjin had been your friend through university and even later as you grew up and struggled to make ends meet.  You had been there for him when his girlfriend of five years decided to dump his ass having a shift in her feelings towards him. You mended his heart through late night talks and rides across the city. He was your kiss partner after breakups, picking up your self-esteem and gluing it together. In conclusion, Seokjin was your everything. If only the feeling was mutual.

Days before deciding to confess to him, he blasts your phone with messages about a girl that pulled all the strings in his heart and awoke oceans of memories. Kim Jisoo was his high-school crush with whom he lost contact after entering his last relationship. Reconciling through social media the two hit off where they last left it and suddenly you became the dust under his shoes. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months of not seeing him. With a deeply rooted pain in your chest and a jealousy for the new girl in his life you stepped down allowing Jisoo to consume his being. Afterall who were you than a mere friend, easily replaceable.

The last slap came when you drunkenly confessed, having enough of their roller coaster like relationship. That was the last time you’ve heard of Seokjin’s teary-eyed voice telling you goodbye over the phone. No matter how many times he told you this sounded like the end and the suffering he felt was unbearable; it was nothing compared to the sound of your heart shattering into pieces.

Sehun told you many times that the timing was so off it made him uncomfortable, but that’s the thing about you and Seokjin. Everything was off with the two of you. From kisses to cuddles to nudes after midnight to serious conversations about pineapple pizza. Friends don’t do that, is what you kept telling yourself when the feelings for him slowly grew from platonic to romantic.

In midst of your thoughts your phone rang. Sehun the attachment dealer flashed across your phone. Giggling at the memory of how the nickname came to be, a warm feeling nest itself inside your chest. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I left the Howl Cafe, I’m near home.”

He hums, the sound of the blinker echoing in the distance. “I’m there in five. Meet me at the bus station at beginning of your street.”

There were instances when disobeying Sehun felt like the biggest thrill of your life but right now when feelings you couldn’t pinpoint ran through you clouding your judgement, Sehun felt like a silver lining. As you wait for him to arrive, you can’t help but scroll through your phone in search for that one picture of Seokjin.

The only one you’ve saved after your last conversation. He was leaning against the wall of the bakery, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. His bleached hair fell over his rimmed glasses giving him an emo vibe. It was somewhere around three am when you’ve taken this photo. 

Both of you exhausted from running aimlessly around the city. He begged you to visit this bakery at the top of a hill, assuring you about the quality of their goods. You remember that night vividly, how you would steal a kiss or two in the shadows hiding from the reality. How he would woo you with his terrible French accent and you would answer him in your broken German.

You miss him. You miss him to the point where it physically hurt.

Sehun honks ever so caring about the people sleeping peacefully in their homes. He bursts into laughter at your jumpy reaction making you feel annoyed as you lock your phone. Settling yourself in his car you wait for his I told you so, but it never comes. Instead, he turns on his Spotify playlist clicking on Olivia Rodrigo’s good 4 u blasting it a such high volume all thoughts you had were overridden with the upbeat song.

Sehun had been your friend for the same amount Seokjin was. The two knew each other through a few short encounters, for some reason they never crossed paths for longer than ten minutes. For that you were thankful. The song comes to a finish and Sehun observes you from his seat. The lights of the city painted on the window illuminated your face, giving him a prefect view of your perplexed expression.

“How are you feeling?”

You knew he would ask this question, after all the sole reason you were driving on a highway was because of your damped mood but in whole honesty you didn’t know the answer.

“A part of me had expected it. He talked about marrying her, but he also talked about wanting to drop everything and own a cottage in Sweden.”

“Your taste in men is terrible. Remember Mark? The guy who had so many career goals but couldn’t leave his house because he thought having a life outside work was overly distracting for his oh so important career as IT support at ZARA? Or Mino who was so high you couldn’t recognise him when he dropped the weed after your breakup.” Sehun snorts.

You roll your eyes at him. Surely your boyfriend track wasn’t the best but it’s not like you seek out boys with issues, it seems that they attach themselves to you and you can’t get rid of them without a major heartbreak. “Whatever.”

Sehun stretches forward pulling your favourite chocolate bar out of the compartment, throwing it in your lap. You smile, munching on it as you switch the song to Zayn and Sia’s Dusk Till Dawn.

“I just expected him to inform me.”

Sehun shakes his head. “I am not sure why you expected that. You two haven’t shared one conversation in two months. You’ve asked for space when he told you he can’t choose between you and Jisoo. Plus, that was a dick move to be honest making him choose between his girlfriend and his best friend.”

“Space,” you emphasise,” not utter silence. He didn’t move two fucking blocks Sehun. He moved to a whole fucking country without telling a soul. Our mutual friend finds out through an Instagram story. Fucking Instagram. And I don’t care, he was a dick that started this charade might as well end it.”

By now you were fully shouting, the tears that threatened to spill before now rushing down your face. In this moment you didn’t care much about Sehun’s awkwardness regarding tears and crying, that was pushed aside when he backed Seokjin’s decision and pissed all over yours.

“Y/N,” he whispers, turning down the volume as you whimper, “there is not much you can do. You must respect his decision. You can’t force someone to love you.”

It was your turn to huff at the stupidity of his words. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t go about kissing people. Respect decision? Fuck that. Did he respect me when he made a fool out of me?

“No.”

Sehun exhales knowing that in this case you weren’t in the right mind to have a rational conversation. Seokjin was your weak point, he knew that much. Your emotions began to pour out, leaving you a sobbing mess in his car. 

“Look, I can’t stop you from having all sort of emotions for him. I can only advice you to turn off your phone for tonight and give yourself time to process the information before doing anything you might regret.”

 “I won’t blast his phone with insulting messages if that’s what you think.”

“Good, also don’t eat out your emotions. You can’t stand too much sugar in your system.” 

“Thanks doctor. I’ll just write out my emotions instead.” You say leaning into the seat, closing your eyes as you listen to the music.

“You still write on that blog?” You can hear some amazement in Sehun’s voice, and you know it’s not to mock you but to praise you for managing to stay faithful to one thing this long. You had a reputation for giving up on things in early stages because you couldn’t finish them perfectly.

The rest of the ride was spent with you eating out your emotions with the food Sehun bought from your local fast-food restaurant. Not much was said between you and him as he drove into the night letting you process the whole situation, only dropping you off at home when you felt yourself calming down.

Once in the confides of your room you strip yourself of any pent-up emotions letting all the pallet of different feelings overran you. Taking a pen, you let your heart pour into endless words scribbled away in your notebook. When you’ve felt empty the high gone, you take your laptop opening the site you’ve a long time member of. It came to you on Instagram in a form of a poorly done advertisement. It was a website for people wanting to share their poetry with strangers.

At first, you’ve done what you always do: began self-doubting your poems and their worth. Most of them were written in a spur of a moment when you felt like you would burst from the number of things you felt. But one night, when sleep couldn’t come to you and the pain of losing the person you held dear lingered in the air threatening to choke you; you signed in posting your work. It was raw and you suddenly felt exposed and naked in front of the world.

That’s how Meraki came to be. How your pseudonym became your shield, allowing you to burden it with any thought or emotion you’ve felt. In the online world Meraki was a fierce writer, letting her readers know of the pain and suffering she felt. In real world Meraki was an introverted person hiding herself from anyone willing to come close.

                                                   ____

 It was a hot Wednesday morning when you’ve gotten an e-mail from your sister informing you of her whereabouts. Due to your mother’s work preventing her from traveling, she decided to pay you a visit instead; much to your delight. The days to her wedding were numbered and so was your sanity.

Luckily for you she and her fiancée decided to stay with your parents.

The thought of her roaming the halls of the only place you’ve managed to cover in comfort was disturbing you. It wasn’t that you hated your sister but although you’ve dealt with your own insecurities some parts of the trauma still hung over you.

You’ve managed to avoid her for a good number of days since she landed in Seoul but now a week later you ran out of excuses. That’s how you found yourself sitting in a posh sea food restaurant, juggling your anxiety during the family dinner.

The last time you saw your whole family was at your grandfather’s birthday (which happened six months ago). The event left a bad taste in your mouth after you’ve spent majority of time listening to your sister’ success only receiving attention when she addressed you.

Solar and her fiancée Minho discussed the menu as they skimmed through different meals. You have been so busy staring at one spot that you’ve never noticed the waiter taking orders.

“Y/N?” Solar spoke catching your attention.

“One chicken fillet for me please.” You were so preoccupied with different thoughts you never saw what they had to offer therefore you went with your go-to food.

The moment the waiter leaves the table with the menus, your mother scoffs. “Aish you’re eating chicken again, we’re in an exclusive sea food restaurant and you’re embarrassing us.  “

“Mother, let her eat what she wants.” Solar interrupted your mother’s complaining, switching the topic to her wedding dress. Your mother beamed at the photos she showed her.

It was somehow sad how much power Solar had over your parents. One word was enough to ease them into doing whatever she liked whilst you had to beg and crawl your way and even then, you were no match for her.

You felt severely out of the place. The two talking about preparations while your father and Minho gushed over their new apartment in Tokyo. You sat there in your chair counting down minutes until you could leave. Any other day you wouldn’t bother to attend the dinner but now Solar insisted you showed up. Something about the sight of her family warming her heart, bunch of bullshit.

“How are you doing Y/N?” She asks ignoring your mother as she mumbles under her breath about your bad habits, one being smoking.

You took up smoking in your last year of university when the pressure of getting a master’s degree and balancing your parents had been too much to take in. A lot of your friends decided to find comfort in weed, but you never understood the thrill of it. Rather than spending enormous amounts for just one puff, you could buy a pack of cigarettes and still have money left for some booze.

“Not much, same old same old.” You answered pushing your nervousness away.

There wasn’t much happening in your life. You’ve started a job in a bookstore and spent your free time either with Sehun or Jihyo.

“How’s Seokjin?”

That one question had caught the table’s attention and suddenly you felt a terrible need to smoke one. Your families were acquainted through work, your fathers working together on a project. They had been shocked when they discovered that you and Seokjin had been close friends for a long time.

“He’s fine.”

“I heard he got engaged,” Your mother spoke up,” to Kim’s daughter Jisoo. Ah what a wonderful being that one is.”

“Oh?” Solar gave your mother a perplexed look narrowing her head at you. You played with the glass in front of you, the object suddenly becoming interesting.

“I thought you and he were dating.” Minho joined, telling the words that were stuck on the tip of your sister’s tongue.

“Y/N and Seokjin? Don’t make me laugh. They are worlds apart. Seokjin is so focused on his career while our Y/N thinks writing will make her a fortune.”

Taking a sip of water, you try your best to wash away the nasty words threatening to leave your mouth. Your parents never approved of your career choice not that you even cared about their opinion.

Solar hums pulling her lips into a straight line. “I’ve must’ve mistaken then. I was sure I saw you-“

“Here is your food.”

And that’s how you were saved from the embarrassment of having to explain to your sister that what she saw was imagination playing tricks on her and not you and Jin making out in front of your house. It was awkward enough when she pestered you about it the next day.

The conversation takes on a different dynamic and you breathe out in relief. You were still trying to process the news and talking about him wasn’t helping your soul.  You gather yourself before your façade could fall and mask it with a stoic expression continuing your countdown till desert when Sehun would call you for an “emergency”.

Right on time you think as your phone began to ring.

You pretend to gasp covering your mouth to show concern as Sehun sputtered nonsense. He kept talking about his trip to the gym and how his feet hurt from all the exercise he did while you tried not to show disgust as explained in detail how hit his little finger against a metal device . Solar shot you a worried look as you excused yourself from the table.

“And the award for the best actress goes out to Y/L Y/N” Sehun pitches once you close the door of the restaurant. Shooting a quick apology message to Solar, you jump into his car deJa’vu hitting you.

“I should get paid for spending so much time with you.” Sehun dripped in sweat, his black shirt sticking moistly to his body, hair pushed back.

You shrugged falling into a comfortable silence. Half an hour later he stops at the number 13, the windows of your house distinguishable by the large number of flowers catching last rays of Sun before the night settles.

“That will be 100 won and a Mcdonald’s later when you’re free.”

“Yeah, not happening” you tell Sehun, already halfway out of the car, rucksack slipping from your shoulder.

He raises a brow at you.” I am not your personal driver Y/N. I had to leave my girlfriend to drive you back.”

You scoff as you roll your eyes at him.” I’ve told you to call me for an emergency. There was no picking up included.”

He mimics your words mockingly before pressing the gas pedal leaving you behind him. Unlocking your apartment door, you’re greeted with your dog sleeping in the hallway not giving you a second glance as you pass over him. Haku’s snores echo through the empty apartment warming your heart. The Shiba became your companion two years ago when you were going through a rough patch. It took some time for you to get used to each other but now you couldn’t image not having his snot buried into your business.

Turning on the lights you sit at the kitchen table pulling your leg up to rest your head on the knee. Opening your laptop, you see a few notifications popping up on the sideline about your recent orders. Just when you were about to close the notification center you see one mail standing out. The name Jung Hoseok makes you jolt in your seat.

Dear writer aka meraki,

I hope this e-mail find you well. My name is Jung Hoseok, I’m the CEO of ZER Publishing company. I’ve taken interest in your poetry and would like to have a meeting to discuss a possible collaboration between us.

Kind regards,

Jung Hoseok

The scream that came from you couldn’t possibly be human. Closing the laptop as if it will burn you, you throw it on the sofa choosing to avoid it until tomorrow.

You didn’t know how he found you giving that any personal information on the site was strictly private. Pacing back and forward you facetimed Sehun. He picks up after three very long rings making your heart beat erratically against your chest.

“I swear to God if this is another one of your emergency calls.” Sehun stands there in nothing but a towel hugging his waist. He moves to the other side of the bathroom, bare feet pacing against the marble floor.

“I got an e-mail.”

He curses, his voice muffled from the towel pressed against his face. ” You called me to tell me about a mail?”

“Not any mail, Sehun. I was contacted by Jung Hoseok.” You whisper still walking back and forward, Haku following every step of yours. Sehun tries not to pay close attention to you, getting slowly dizzy from all the commotion.

“And something tells me I should know who that is?”

You halt taking a moment to stop yourself from starting a conversation about common knowledge again, it was a sour subject. “He messaged through the mail used for Meraki.”

This time Sehun is quite for a few seconds taking in your words. You don’t see him, but you can hear deodorant spray and shuffle of clothes. “How? Isn’t that private?”

“Yes.”

And suddenly the anxious feeling was back. The poems you wrote there were strictly private, the mention of your love life and your hardships with your family were never meant to be linked back to you. You’ve checked the websites policy not wanting anyone to associate you with the account. If that were to happen you can immediately start packing your things to move to another continent.

“I am sure he didn’t hack it; nobody is that desperate. Maybe he contacted the website owner?” Sehun takes his phone, hair freshly washed strands falling over his face. He moves from the bathroom to the kitchen placing you carefully , so you could see the whole room.

You think for a second, there was a possibility. “Isn’t that a violation of my privacy?”

“I can try to read out the rights and policy. Come up with a text signed as your lawyer but Y/N” Sehun’s voice is soft, something he did to calm you down. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, eyes having an internal battle, the look you’ve seen on him in rare moments.

“Yes?”

“I am sure if you refuse, he won’t bother you. I am also sure you don’t have much to lose if you agree.”

                                                         ____

Hoseok was on his fifth coffee by noon, deprived of any sleep last night.  He was starved for a good literature piece that would leave him in myriad emotions. Sadly, he came up with an empty line. He spent his days cocooned in the corner of Suho’s café reading page by page poetry that awoke no emotion except irritation. He was on the brink of losing his mind.

Suho slides into the booth, careful not to startle Hoseok.” Have you found anything?”

Hoseok ruffles his hair before resting his head in his hands. He was desperate enough to visit fanfiction sites in hopes of stumbling upon work that had  the spark.

“Maybe you should take a break? Visit those open mic nights where people recite their poems?”

Hoseok shakes his head having already used that option last week. “I’ve been to three mic nights and not one was interesting. I am on a verge leaving everything behind to become a stripper. Yoongi did say I have an amazing body."

Sehun by now used to his friend’s dramatic antics shrugs his shoulder.” You should really take a break. You’ve been searching for a month now.”

Hoseok wished he could take a break, but the existence of his firm lay in his hands. That enough gave him tremendous worry pushing him way above his limits.

“I know but if I don’t find a good piece in a month, I can close the firm. Do you know what that means? Hundreds of people losing their job.” Hoseok wasn’t the one to crumble under pressure but now he felt like crying. Suho offered him a smile he’s seen before, the pity smile. Patting his shoulder he gets up at the sound of doors opening ,customers swarming in.

At the end of the day Hoseok thinks everything has turned against him. His laptop dies in the middle of reading, and he discovers he forgot his charger at home. In all the despair and anger he accidentally knocks over the mug spilling coffee over important documents and his newly bought jeans. The stain will probably leave a small burn that he wasn’t ready to face today. He’ll take care of it tomorrow.

On the side Suho observes his restless friend. He felt bad for not being able to help him more, but he already used all his resources and sent them anonymously to his mail only for Hoseok to turn it down.

Sehun walks into the café with his gym in one hand and candy in the other, drops of sweat forming on his forehead. He was waiting for a call from Y/N, prepared to jump into his car at any second. He greets Suho, his sight landing on an exhausted Hoseok bumping his head repeatedly against the table lightly. He hoped to never reach this point of insanity. 

“What’s his problem?”

Suho follows Sehun’s line of sight. Hoseok sits in the booth, forehead rested against the table. Both his mind and body were tired, and the clock was ticking. “He needs to find a good poetry piece to publish otherwise he’s toast.”

In that moment Sehun weights his options. He knew how self-conscious you were about your work thinking it lacked emotion and quality and this seemed like a good opportunity to prove you otherwise. On the other hand, there was the issue with people closely linked with your poems. He takes his time picking between different sugars, steering the coffee slow enough to buy him at least one more minute.

Pushing the bills to Suho he takes a sip. “There is a website called Nora, it had lots of good poetry. I've read some.”

Suho nods following Sehun out of the café promising to deliver the message to Hoseok. Once locked up he slides back into the booth watching Hoseok pack his belongings ready to call it a day. “This costumer told me about Nora site. You should give a shot.”

“Nora?” Hoseok mocks, he heard of all the websites used for writing but Nora didn’t ring a bell.

“I think it’s new. I’ve never heard of it but he seemed sure of his words. The worst that can happen is he lied and knowing Sehun that’s unlikely.”

Hoseok nods eager to go back home to his cat Nobus and prepare himself a warm bath to release the tension built up in his muscles. Waving goodbye to Sehun, he exits the shop from the back door and turns on the engine of his car driving away to the beat of classical music easing him.

Entering his small apartment located in the centre of Seoul, he throws his shoes to the side not bothering for order tonight. Slouching himself on the couch he pets Nobus, the cat bumping his head against his arm purring softly. With eyelids half closed he opens the website on his phone, picking poetry as his preferred category.

Selecting a random writer he opens the first poem, eyes scanning the text.

 I love you             like the habit I picked up in college                  of sleeping through lectures                  or saying I’m sorry                  when I get stopped for speeding             because I drink a glass of water                  in the morning                  and chain-smoke cigarettes                  all through the day             because I take my coffee Black                  and my milk with chocolate             because you keep my feet warm                  though my life a mess I love you             because deep down I know                  you'll never be mine again   (author of the poem: Nikki Giovanni, I added three last sentences)*

With every word that Hoseok took in he felt himself back in university, all drunk on the idea of loving the girl that sat two seats in front of him during microeconomics. He relives the ecstasy of having love running through his veins, he feels the desire under his fingertips for just one touch, he crumbles at the pain of finding her kissing his best friend. Hoseok feels like his heart had been ripped apart with just few simple letters placed in a neat poem.

He sees the words meraki scribbled in a messy handwriting under the poem and he feels as if his prayers have been answered.

[sleepylixie]

hello elliana🥺 abt the soulmate au prompt, can i have the number 5 with jisung?

Hello Alexa! Here's your request! Hope you enjoy it, do let me know what you think! 🌃❤️

5. Anything you draw/write on your skin appears on your soulmate's skin.

(A drabble for @cherryhanji for my 100 Followers celebration!)

Angst/Sad, 600 words, Beware mentions of anxiety.

You could only assume your soulmate was some kind of poet or songwriter, from the odd phrases and verses that graced the inside of your palm and wrist, strangely strung together words that made more sense than you’d expect them to. He was also some kind of a scatterbrain, because you’d often find his day’s schedule written in an inexplicable shorthand that you had long given up deciphering.

He called himself Ji, and he was staunchly against the idea of meeting you, his soulmate.

His odd handwriting started turning up on your hands when you were 17 years old, almost done with high school and gearing up for the newest step of your life. Him on the other hand, was busy pursuing a different kind of life altogether- the kind that had to do with music, dance and the blinding lights of a stage.

He’d cautiously written a hello on the inside of your wrist, to get a confused response from you. Over that very night’s talk, he’d told you that he didn’t want to meet you- he had ambitious dreams and a soul-crushing anxiety that rejected the idea of strangers. You were only too quick to agree- you had dreams of your own, big and bold and all-encompassing, on the condition that the two of you never let on your location or anything that would point you to each other.

People say soulmates are important, but aren't they just another person in a list of people?

So you’d write your grocery list on the back of your hand and he’d write his odd verses, leaving inky marks on each other's skin that faded as quickly as they appeared.

When the stress your dreams put you through ended up becoming a fear of the future, of the uncertainty of what you could become. When the nights felt too dark or the sunlight felt blinding, you developed a habit of tracing tangled patterns over your arms and calves, sometimes with a marker to ground yourself with the feeling. Sometimes, Ji would fill the patterns with quirky shading, like quiet reassurance from god knows where in the world.

In the heights of the afternoon, you’d feel the prickle of scribbles trace up your wrist, ugly slashes of ink that were dissonant against your skin, making no sense at all. You’d let him scribble away, not saying a word afterwards- he seemed like the kind of person to appreciate non-judgemental silence.

He was nice, even through just words. Maybe it was that inexplicable sense of goodness that you picked up from what he left on your skin, but you felt like you deserved to know more about this boy who’d ended up becoming your soulmate, the person you’d ended up having to blindly trust with your midnight scribbles.

People say soulmates are important, so it wouldn’t hurt to get to know them, right?

You didn’t realize when you’d developed an insatiable curiosity until you unconsciously began to look for clues in his words, rejoicing when he let slip little details- he was a kpop star, the rising young kind, an explosive talent. But there were too many people with that syllable in their name and you waited a little more for him to slip up- and he did. You caught a name fading from your wrist split seconds before it hit and you had it. Stray Kids.

You’d have to tell him, you decided. He had to know that you weren’t unaware of his presence. You didn’t want to stay in the dark with your soulmate- he seemed like too important of a person to leave in the dark. So you told him, one day, hesitantly, that you knew who he was. And even  more hesitantly, asked if he still didn’t want to see you.

And that was the day Han Jisung stopped writing to you.

So much for soulmates being important, huh.

 

[thou-crusty-batch-of-nature]

The rise and fall of our love

part one | part two

playlist: gold by nick murphy and chet faker

too young to burn by sonny and the sunsets

cold cold cold by cage the elephant

pairing: reader x james, lily x james

warnings: language, fluff, a bit of angst

A/N: hope you like my first proper series! i've been working on this for a while and i'm so excited to finally post it! feedback is very much appreciated so lmk what you think

also, credits to @approved-by-dentists for the iconic line "I'll drop kick your firstborn", you can check her frog memes here

and credits to the harry potter wiki fandom, I took those amortentia info from there

p.s. the cover is made by me

word count: roughly 2.4K

MASTERLIST

"You can't expect me to believe this!" James was looking at you with his mouth agape and exaggerated wide eyes which made the conversation slightly more embarrassing than it already was. 

"5 minutes till midnight!" Sirius announced from a table with several bottles of champagne by his side. 

"Well, you should. I'm telling the truth!" 

"Y/N!" he shouted in a serious note, as if he was trying to decide whether you were lying or not. Your ears were burning. Someone hex me right now. 

"James!" you answered - this was like a bad version of the Marco Polo game.

Something in your eyes convinced him of your honesty. "You have never been kissed on New Year's Eve!" he gasped with such amazement that you didn't have the heart to reveal that, in fact, you have never been kissed by anyone on any other occasion - you still needed that remaining bit of dignity. Well, not a real kiss, that is. The only time you have ever kissed someone was on a game of spin the bottle in 3rd year, when you and Remus shared a very awkward one-second kiss, that James never forgot to bring up every other day. 

"Why is it such a big deal - I don't need a kiss to have a lucky year! I can manage fairly well on my own, thank you very much!" 

The whole Gryffindor Common Room was buzzing with chatter, clinking glasses and loud music. New Year's Eve meant a great deal to gryffindors, whether it was for the booze, the games or the chance to kiss your crush at midnight. 

You could proudly say that your presence was owed to none of the above, but rather to the persistent demands of your best friend, Marlene. Not that you didn't love a good party - it's the opposite, really. The only problem was your low intolerance to alcohol; three big gulps of beer were enough to make you the talk of the school for at least two weeks. And with Marlene and the marauders by your side, the chances of that to happen were outstandingly high.

"It's a matter of principle, it's about the neediness of human nature, about their need for closure and contact in order to feel full and satisfied! It's about the idea of knowing that you have emotional support!" he declared passionately with a hand over his chest. 

"So, people are horny and they need to kiss other people for them to feel valid and worthy?" You scrunched up your nose in disgust. "That's messed up!" 

"It's love, Y/N! It's not supposed to make sense, it's like magic!"

"You sound like a cringy girl from a romantic muggle movie!" You snorted.

"You're incredible!" James sighed, disappointed. "Alright, I'll show you, you'll see!" Soon enough, a gigantic clock appeared over the fireplace starting the New Year's countdown. 

"9…" People were chanting joyfully. 

"8…" You could feel James' stare, but you kept your eyes glued to the clock. 

"7...6…5…" You sensed him inch closer. 

"4…" He spun you around and cupped your cheek. 

"3…" You were lost in his eyes. They were an infusion of spring and autumn, a melt of fiery leaves and honey. 

"2… 1!" His soft lips met yours, and you could hear fireworks erupting outside the castle. You felt your soul implode. The kiss was shy, yet passionate. His hands were slowly grazing your back while yours found their way to his dark curls. It felt right - perfect, even. 

Even though it was your first kiss, you knew it was the best you'd ever have. Everything was easier when you were with James, everything felt at peace. You pulled apart when you ran out of breath, still longing for more. Your whole face was on fire, and you let your forehead rest on his. 

"Here you go. Wasn't that bad, was it?" 

"Eh- t'was alright." you joked, trying to sound cool. You laughed nervously, though you were pretty sure it sounded more like a squeal. Great. 

"Do you think Lily saw it?" Something in his voice made you realise that he wished she did. You were just a puppet in his cruel play. Your heart wrenched a little, but you managed to hide your pain. 

"Don't know. I haven't seen her tonight." You were his friend. That's all. The kiss meant nothing for him, and that was okay. 

Just great. 

"I think imma go check on Marls." you said, trying to hold your tears back. "Thank you, for the kiss." you exclaimed sarcastically, though James didn't seem to notice. He nodded absentmindedly, his eyes already on a certain red-head. 

Oh, you were so stupid! How could you let this happen? A wave of nausea washed over you while the knot in your stomach kept pulling at your insides. 

You made your way through the sea of people, right where you knew Marlene would be. There she was: lounging on the couch next to Sirius, drinks in hands, talking about Merlin knows what. You suddenly felt very bad to disturb your best friends who were both clearly having a great time, so you quickly turned the other way. 

"Y/N!" Marlene shouted. Shit. You quickened your pace, only to hear her shouts over the music. "Y/N Y/L/N stay where you are or I swear I'll knock you down!" 

You continued to walk but stopped when you saw James and Lily a few steps ahead. She was laughing while he was whispering something in her ear. Lily spotted you and smiled teasingly. You took a deep breath. Defeated, you turned and saw Marlene's tall figure facing you. "What happened? Why are you crying?" 

You haven't realised that until she asked you. Good thing that James was too busy fawning over Lily to notice. 

Marlene didn't wait for an answer to take your hand in hers and lead you back to your dorm. She pulled you in her arms while you finally let your tears fall. You felt pathetic; how could you believe he would actually like you the way you did? 

You told her everything apart from that unbecoming smile Lily gave you. They were also friends, not as good as you two were, but you didn't want to stir up any arguments. 

You and Marlene have been best friends for over six years. You used to be quite an introvert, whereas Marlene was cocky enough for the two of you, so she made it her goal to get you out of your shell. And she succeeded - even too well, some would say. 

And as for you and Lily, things were - you guessed you could call them decent. Neither of you made any effort to be besties, as Lily made it quite clear she didn't like you. However, you managed to become acquaintances for the sake of your friends'. 

"Y/N! What is our number one rule?" she asked when you finished. 

You sighed. "Bros over hoes." 

"I will never put a boy over our friendship, Y/N. You come first. Especially when you have a problem."

"Okay, mother." you rolled your eyes. "I should've drank the damned firewhisky. It would have been a far better alternative to get shitface drunk than deal with all this." 

"You're right." You glared at her. "What? You really are. That just proves my theory further: technically, alcohol is a solution."

×××

Naturally, the odds haven't been in your favour, and Lily and James were closer than ever. You would be lying if you said you were happy for them. 

"Now, Y/N/N, that's just cruel!" Marlene said with her mouth full, spitting half of her breakfast on you. Then, she silently handed you a napkin. You gave her a nod of thanks. "I mean, I get it, you are a tad bit jealous, but that's understandable!" 

"Am not!" you defended. "I'm happy for my friend for finding his love." You choked that word out. "Okay, I might be a tiny tiny bit jealous but that's not the case right now! I just don't understand his choice!" 

"Ah… here goes that 'he could've had all this but he chose that' speech..." Marlene sighed. 

"Yes- I mean no! That's not what I mean! I just don't like Lily!"

"I know…" she said regretfully. "She is a good friend to me, really - she's not that bad. I know you two had your problems, but… Wait, what are your problems exactly?" she squinted her eyes in confusion. "You've never told me the real reason you two don't get along." 

"Well…" 

"Good morning darlings!" Sirius interrupted, plopping down next to Marlene. 

"Good morning to you too!" James chirped with a sheepish smile plastered on his face. He sat next to you, hugged you and you could swear you heard him squeal. 

"Well, someone seems to be in an awfully good mood this early in the morning. Waddup?" you ask, popping the 'p'. 

"Someone got back to the dorm very late last night after having spent the entire day with -" 

"LILY-FLOWER! HERE!" James got up and waved frantically towards her. She furrowed her brows when she spotted him next to you and you quickly averted your gaze.

"Hello there!" she smiled, sitting down on the other empty spot next to James. She took his hand in hers and glanced at you. You rolled your eyes. 

"Is there something wrong?" Lily asked innocently. 

"Nah, everything's alright." Just my back hurts a little... from all the stabs. The intensities of your stares could burn holes through each other's bodies. 

"Y/N, have you finished your DADA essay? I think it was due Wednesday and I haven't written a word!" Remus cuts in, sensing the tension. You made a mental note to thank him later.

×××

"So what was all that about?" You were in the library "helping" Remus write his essay - in reality, you were munching on his chocolate while he was reading.

"What?" You decided to play dumb, hoping he would drop the subject. Remus leaned in his chair and rubbed his eyes. It was too early for any of this. 

"Your 'friendship' with Lily." he air quoted. 

"There's nothing wrong with us…" 

"Oh, then let me call her here and make friendship bracelets together!" he mocked. "You almost hugged to death out there!" 

"Quiet!" you heard madam Pince's high screech.

You let your head fall in your hands. "Is it so obvious?" you whispered. He gave you the are-you-kidding-me face and you groaned. 

"Fine! The truth is that I don't know why she hates me! I've tried to be her friend for so many years, ever since she became Marl's friend - and she rejected me every single time. Not to mention that she has never been the nicest to me. And now she acts like I drop-kicked her firstborn and I'm sick of it."

"So nothing happened?" 

"Nothing that I know of…" 

"Huh…" It was clear he expected somewhat of a greek tragedy. You glanced at the clock and cursed, you were running late to class. "Remus, we gotta leave."

You both got up in a hurry, stuffing parchments and quills in your bags. "Potions?"

You checked the time again. "In five minutes." 

"Shit." 

You sprinted down the halls of Hogwarts, going on every shortcut you knew. You reached the classroom faster than ever - seriously, you must’ve broken a record.

"What time is it?" Remus asked, a bit out of breath. 

"10:04" you managed to say. 

Remus knocked on the door while you struggled to keep an upright position - you had to admit that you were a bit out of shape. 

"Ah, Remus and Y/N, I was beginning to worry! Everybody is late today! Do you happen to know about Potter and Lily's whereabouts?" 

"No, sir." 

"Probably in a broom closet." Sirius said between coughs. Slughorn decided not to hear this remark. 

"Very well, then find your seats and get your books out." You hurried towards the empty desk behind Sirius and a now-seated Remus. Where was he? 

"Now, as I was saying. I prepared some concoctions this morning which you can find on your desks. Any ideas what these might be?" 

"It's Armortentia!" someone from the front exclaimed. 

"Excellent! Now, this is the most powerful love potion in existence. It causes a powerful infatuation or obsession from the drinker. Despite its power, Amortentia doesn't create actual love; it's impossible to manufacture or imitate love."

 You were already growing tired. "Miss Y/L/N, you seem awfully relaxed. Care to reveal what scent do you smell?" 

Your head shot up from the desk, trying to remember the question. You were ready to ask the professor to repeat it when you saw Sirius pointing to his nose and then to the potion. 

Thanks, you mouthed and Sirius winked. 

"I smell…" you started, closing your eyes and sniffing the liquid. 

"I smell gingerbread, old books and…"...James. You quickly opened your eyes as the realisation dawned onto you. "... musky cologne." 

"Wonderful, miss Y/L/N! Now, in the hour that remains you and your desk mates will have to brew an acceptable vial of Amortentia, helped by the example before you and of course, your books. So, open the books at -"

A loud knock interrupted Professor Slughorn. He turned his head just as James and Lily barged into the room all giggly and blushy. 

"Excuse us, professor! We had some urgent Prefect duties!" Yeah, right. 

"You are a tad late, I'm afraid. Oh well, you may come in, I've just finished the instructions for today's lesson. Potter, there's an empty seat next to Y/N; Lily, you can take a seat next to Miss Macdonald."

"Hello, roomie!" James whispered when he sat down, wiggling his eyebrows. "What are we brewing today?" he asked. Why did he always have that stupid smirk on his face? 

"That!" you pointed towards the tiny cauldron in front of you. 

"Hmm - let me see." he leaned forward to look at it, then scrunched up his nose when he tried to smell it. 

"Bloody hell, Y/N! Do you bathe in your perfume? And what is with this smell - lilies? Are lilies here? Well, besides the most beautiful one over there?" he nodded towards Evans. 

You couldn't help but blush and look away. You were sure you didn't put any perfume on this morning, so that meant…? 

"We are brewing Amortentia, you barmy wanker!" you heard Sirius' wheezy voice, who was trying and failing to hold his laughter. 

"Oh" James said, rubbing his neck. "Shit." 

Shitty indeed. 

You were in deep. 

****

part two

taglist: @futurewriter2000, @puppycat714, @booksbeforebois, @slytherinquill, @screennamealreadyused, @fific7, @with1love1anu

[cno-inbminor]

adsentio - stagnation

a/n: we’re back with prince!akaashi, royalty!au, extra part. i promise i was writing the wedding scene, but then it started storming pretty heavily...and my brain said, “no, Kay. it’s rainy hours. write angst. you know you want to.” and...this happened.

NOTE: for this specific scenario, it’s not 100% necessary to read ‘adsentio’, the main story. however, there are details that reference it and subsequent parts. the basic idea is: you and prince akaashi had been set up to marry since you were children, and while the both of you were against it for a while, feelings changed for the better.

summary: after a few years of being married, you find yourself firmly concluding that indeed, akaashi no longer loves you.  

genre: angst!! with happy ending though. wc: ~2.9k

main story: adsentio (pt. 1) | bonus letters (pt. 1.5) | the masque (pt. 2)

Whenever torrents of rain cascade over the kingdom, down the vine-ridden castle walls and pattering upon the lake, many will pause in their tasks and gaze out the nearest windowpane. Thunder may rumble and lightning may strike, yet everyone registers the same twist in their stomachs. An unease lies beneath their skin; a chill that wickedly summons horripilation. In an effort to battle the shadows, fires begin to roar, one by one through the castle. Aches and pains arise in bodies as the masses wait with bated breath for the rainbow to appear as it always does.

Smoke floats through the chimneys and taints the air, evident by the wisps of gray and onyx. Yet they are unnoticed and in stealth on this dreary night where everyone must succumb to the understanding that there will be no rainbow. The controller of the tides will peak above the midnight clouds and attempt to shine, but never strong enough to guide the nightly travelers.

Even with the tamed inferno in the chambers, a puff of visible air leaves your lips. Your hands clasp tightly together, your fingers intertwining with each other in your lap as you sit in front of your vanity. Raindrops beat against the glass of the balcony doors, glistening in their trail towards the ground. Yet as soon as they fall onto stone, the drop shatters and colors the surface. It paints and paints until the blemishes appear and the imperfections glare towards the skies.

Jewels sit heavy on your figure, your crown resting on a cushion atop your vanity. But in this moment, nothing weighs more than the wedding ring on your left hand. It’s crushing, suffocating; it burns a print and imprisons your appendage, reminding you of unspoken promises ghosted against your ear. The gems hold decades of memories, being passed down from queen to future queen, and you wonder if any of them proceeded with what you plan on doing.

Akaashi had entered the room as smooth as a serpent, silent like a zephyr. Your only warning of his presence is the raised hairs on the back of your neck, your body tensing just as his hands placed themselves on your shoulders from behind. Another breath is drawn from your lungs as he peers into the mirror at you, the faintest expression of happiness drawn from his lips. But it’s lifeless. It’s the one he reserves for meetings and pleasantries, for when he disagrees with his father but has no choice to comply. His eyes are darkened with death and dissatisfaction, and has been for almost two weeks now.

His brows only marginally furrow with concern at your lack of reaction, how you seem to be looking past him. Your own expression comes off as solemn yet nervous, as if you’ve committed a grave sin.

“Is anything wrong, my dear?” He asks gently, watching carefully.

Your lips purse as you turn your head towards the hand on your right shoulder. They no longer provide the warmth and comfort that they did so many years ago, but only serve to freeze your soul and weave together the insecurities that you had painstakingly unraveled. Akaashi continues to gaze at you in silence as you stand from your seat, wordlessly beckoning for him to take your place. With guarded hesitation, he does as you say. Instead of standing behind him as he did you, you instead take the space on his right, facing his side profile. Feeling unnerved, he turns to face you rather than his own reflection.

In times of vulnerability, you have always struggled to find your footing, to feel that you are powerful. You believe there is a strength in possessing self-awareness and having the ability to convey those thoughts to someone who cares and knows. Just because you feel small in the moment does not mean you must be small. You can tower over the other person as you do now, forcing your prince to lift his chin to speak to you.

“You are unhappy,” you whisper ruefully.

“I don’t…I don’t understand,” he fibs, his eyes wavering as he directs his gaze away from yours. In that brief moment of eye contact, you had seen the show end, but the curtains lifted, the gears turning and unveiling his chaotic despair.

“You cannot lie to me, milord. And only you are incapable of doing so with me.”

He lets out an arduous sigh and slouches his back, a pose of defeat and exhaustion. A dagger twists his heart at the title, but his reticence allows you to continue.

“I can only imagine that there have been many women in my position before, where they must continue to rule with locked lips and the key thrown. There must have been many who were as hopeful as me, and yet as time aged us, we had to turn the other way and simply learn to accustom ourselves to the new surroundings. With how long we have known each other, I know almost everything about you. To most, you may only have a few sitting postures. But to me, you have tens. Each little movement indicates something different, something you happen to be thinking or feeling at that moment. It’s ingrained into my brain by sheer force and repetition, and I’m beginning to wish I was more oblivious. Perhaps, then, I would at least have been a happy fool, content with my misguided beliefs.”

“What are you trying to say?” He enquires as he dares to face you again. With regret, loss, and grief, he watches as your eyes begin to shine with tears and the most bittersweet smile on your face begin to form.

“You no longer love me.

“And I have no objection to that,” you continue, raising a hand to stop any of his interjections. “I should have known that you would eventually tire and wish for what I had voiced all those years ago: some freedom, some choice. As much as you had convinced yourself that marrying me was unequivocally your free will, you no longer believe it. All of your interactions with me scream so, and I have no intentions to attempt to convince you otherwise. Doing so would be hypocritical of me. So for now,” you pause, looking down at your hands while catching your breath.

Akaashi can hear the tremble of your lungs over the crack of thunder and the beating of the heavens. But everything deafens when your right hand hovers over your left ring finger. They hesitate and shake, reaching then reclining, before grasping the ornate band and slowly, lamentably removing it. You then extend a hand to gently grasp one of his, placing the piece of jewelry in his open palm, then curling his fingers closed around it.

“For now, I shall return this to you. You may do as you wish, as I will not stop you. Perhaps…we were not lucky enough for love.”

You sleep with your back to him that night, unwilling to face him when only mere inches exist between you two. You miss how Akaashi turns to face your back, how his arm tentatively reaches to wrap around your waist before pulling back, and can only slip into his dreams when counting the strands of your hair.

-

“The Prince urgently requests that you meet him in the library, Your Highness.”

“Now?”

“Preferably, yes.”

“Very well, I shall be there shortly,” you sigh, your turning away signaling the messenger’s dismissal. Your head bends down to take one last look at the embroidery in your lap, your fingers finishing some last few stitches for an appropriate stopping point. Fingers cautiously smooth the wrinkles of your day dress, and you take one last deep breath.

The journey to the library is painstakingly laborious, as though each step you made had been done with shackles around your ankles. There is a weight to the sound of your heels clicking against the ground. Maids and butlers shuffle past you with heads bowed, though you seem to deep in a trance to observe.

Much of the energy and power that you felt you had exuded those nights ago had soon dissipated from your body. Your body resembles an empty shell, devoid of a plan to stand on your feet and continue with your normal activities. Your left ring finger screams into the numbing void, the missing weight almost bearing its own scarlet letter. You stayed in your room as much as possible, requesting meals to be delivered to the chambers. Akaashi nearly always needed to be away, taking care of kingdom affairs in preparation for his inevitable ascension to the throne. The only times you were ever near him were in the mornings and nights. You understood he was allowing some space for you, yet to request your presence…

Soon, you stand in the doorway of the royal library, the wooden entrance left ajar. The space acts as a safe haven for anyone in the castle; you gently press it open with the pad of your fingers. Hundreds of books on shelves line the walls with a few tables and lounging couches, yet it is eerily empty. Typically, there would be another person climbing one of the ladders to reach a high book, but even those are gathering dust for now.

Akaashi is in the farthest corner by the window, small stacks of bound journals and novels on almost every available space of the surface. He stands tall by the glass, looking out towards the gardens with his hands clasped behind his back. You take this moment of his oblivion to appreciate the back of the man before you, choking back and battling the agonizing twist of your heart. It is a moment you feel that you no longer deserve, but whatever it may be, the matter seems far less urgent than what the butler had told you.

You near him and clear your throat, the noise causing him to spin on his heels. He looks somewhat taken aback, but quickly composes himself as you curtsy. “I am here, Your Highness. I was told you had urgent matters to discuss.”

Akaashi sighs somewhat before sitting in the chair, beckoning you to come closer to the desk. His complexion seems pale and almost gaunt, and in turn, you frown. Was he not sleeping? Or eating? Has his father been putting too much pressure on his shoulders?

“I must confess,” he begins softly and refuses to meet your eyes. “The matter isn’t as urgent as I made it out to be. But I wanted to see you as soon as possible as it is still important and does concern you.”

“Did I…do something wrong?”

“Of course not,” he immediately denies, taking a hasty glance towards you before turning back to the books on the desk. “If anything…I am the one who has wronged you, and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me,” he continues, his voice trailing towards the end of his confession. The desperation for forgiveness and repentance drown his words until they are all you can feel, yet you were so unsure of why he was seeking those. Did he pity you? Your emotions?

“I believe there is no reason to forgive you, as there is nothing you should feel sorry for,” you say stiffly, hands subtly wringing together.

“I must concur,” he kindly retorts. “Here, please have a look at this.”

He hands you a journal from the top of a stack, encouraging for you to take it. The leather feels aged and worn, but it is one you recognize from many, many years ago.

‘You could consider it a memoir.’

“Open it, please. And read what’s inside it.”

With a curious look, you unwind the ties and peel back the cover. The first page holds nothing, but when you turn the yellowing parchment, familiar handwriting greets you. A date sits in the top right corner, marking it a little less than a year before your eighteenth birthday.

‘I must say, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a letter from the princess. In my mind, she would have better things to attend to than to reply to me. After all, we both have our own duties, and in addition to hers, she must be attending some of her father’s meetings. I cannot deny the fact that my heart began to race swiftly when I saw her signature at the bottom of the letter. Even in her writing, I could hear her voice in my head, reading it the same way as if she were speaking to me. How I long for the summer months to quickly come.’

The beginning entry ends there, but as you thumb through the other pages rapidly, they are filled with his writing in neat, onyx ink. You begin to recall the days when you both were here in this very room, him scribbling away as you read your subject of interest. Your eye the other similar-looking journals and he confirms your unspoken questions.

“They’re all about you,” he smiles, though it seems sad and apologetic. “As you can see, I filled quite a few journals over the many years, but…unfortunately, as I grew busier, I was unable to write as much. When you said those words to me that night,” – a grimace on his complexion – “I couldn’t believe myself. Did I truly not love you anymore? At first, I struggled to find an answer…until a few days ago. I have spent much of my time reading through these pages, seeing what I have written.”

“You read…all of these? There must be almost twenty journals here,” you say in a mixture of disbelief and awe.

“I couldn’t quite put them down, I must admit. Some of my best work, perhaps.”

He stands from his seat and walks around the desk until he’s in front of you. Those pools of cobalt blue still find it difficult to meet your own eyes – they swim with contemplation and hesitation, but a sheet of determination soon clouds them. After you recognize that, he grasps your left hand with both of his and kneels on one knee, his forehead bowed down onto your knuckles either out of embarrassment or absolute respect.

“Keiji, what are you—”

“I was wrong. I had been so wrapped up in my own affairs that I failed to look after you as I had promised at the altar. I neglected you and unwittingly led you to believe that I no longer loved you. You do not deserve such a foolish man, so ignorant to forget how good you are to me, how there can be no other woman because you are my perfect match. I have been reminded of all the reasons of why I love you, and I swear on my existence that I love you more than I ever have.

Yet the truth is, I shouldn’t need to be reminded. You should never need to question my loyalty to you, and for that…I can only give my deepest apologies,” his voice trails to a volume so soft, yet so shaky with remorse. “The regret that I feel can’t even begin to hold a light to the pain that you must have kept bottled inside you, where you kept the cork in for as long as possible as to not burden me. I have failed you, and I will spend the rest of our days correcting my wrongs. In this very moment,” he pauses, inhaling a deep but quivering breath.

“I desperately and humbly request of you to give me this one last chance, to prove that I can be the man you deserve. I am begging you, my future queen, to forgive me.”

Your breath hitches with the last statement.

A prince never begs.

Yet he was here to lay it all out for you, imploring that you stand by his side, again, in more ways than one.  

“Please rise, Your Highness,” you call out softly, your hand reaching out to try lifting his chin and meet his gaze.

He stubbornly shakes his head. “Not unless you give me your answer.”

“Keiji, you don’t need—”

“Your answer. Please,” he beseeches with the last word, breath held. You know that when Akaashi becomes insistent, he never backs down yet somehow still allowing the other person to have a choice in the say. No thinking needed to be done, as your answer should be quite obvious.

“How could I ever refuse you, Keiji?” You tease softly with a smile.

Since the first moment he had kneeled before you, he looks up to see your face. Unshed tears glisten from the sun’s rays streaming through the glass. Your words are more than enough for him to stand on both feet again, soon wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his head into your shoulder. These acts of affection are only a small portion of what you had sorely missed, and you were counting on Akaashi to fulfill his vow.

“You are everything to me,” he breathes unsteadily into your neck. “And I will make certain that you never forget this, even after we pass.”

“I can trust you?”

“Yes. I promise.”

[jaegerboob]

WIP ROUNDUP!!

i was tagged by @trashpocket​ (hey bae ;)) and since im lonely here on tumblr and have no one but the void to yell at, i won’t be tagging anyone :((

okay let’s start off with my published WIPS lol i have quite a collection and boy do i regret posting most of these, but anyway that’s here’s my hot girl shit

"i’ll figure it out with a little more time” - (if u knew me at my thai BL phase no u didn’t :)) anyways this was a supposed to be a pretty short fic that features an oblivious Sarawat not knowing how to navigate his feelings towards Tine and Tine being an equally giant dumbass. their school is hosting a school dance and Sarawat’s emotionally constipated ass doesn’t know how to SPEAK and just ASK Tine to go w/ him. i swear i might be the author of this story but i also get mad at these fuckers

“we’re boyfriends?” - ah yes another Thai BL fic, i will admit. i have NO idea where to take this story lmao. i still wanna finish it tho cuz i hate disappointing ppl. the fic starts with Ae and Pond making a dumb bet so Pond will stop jerking off in their shared room and promises that he won’t do that as long Ae dates someone random and based off of Pond’s choosing. sweet bby Pete wanders into their campus accidentally  and gets picked. Ae does the deed and tells Pete they’re dating. Ae thinks that Pete and Pond are scheming to make his life a living hell but lo and behold Pete has actually fallen in love with him (heheheh) 

“i wanna ruin our friendship” - hello lgbtq+ community :). we all know where this fuckin title is from don’t be sneaky. so here’s my KilluGon college fic. I initially wrote this like two years ago and uploaded it on wattpad lmaooo then i edited it and posted on ao3 and once again i have no idea where to take this (ive forgotten what my original idea for this was lol) so basically Killua and Gon are really close friends and Gon is sortof a player in this AU idk why khdkadha but anywayz all of Gon’s exes have left him bc they’re jealous of Killua but Gon would never pick his current S/O over him so HAAA. it all goes to shit tho when Retz decides to trick Gon to taking her back for the school dance and idk what path to go for T_T 

AIGHT now for my UNPUBLISHED WIPS buckle up yall this is a LOT. all the titles are WIPS so that’s why theyre iffy lol

“pussy talented”- (don’t mind the title lmao i just wanted a cat pun in there somewhere) basically, Bokuto is a firefighter and Akaashi an editor. They work near each other and Bokuto often visits Kuroo, who works with Akaashi. Ofc Akaashi falls in love at first sight but then he overhears that he has a "Kenma" waiting for him at home. Akaashi assumes that he's probably Bo's boyfriend and then leaves him alone, making Bo confused as hell. Little that he knows that Kenma is actually a grumpy calico cat.

“killugon flower shop AU” - Wing owns a flower shop and Killua helps out with Zushi along with Alluka out of boredom and one day Alluka asks Killua to help out with her client then he meets Gon and is immediately smitten until Gon says that he's looking for something that he can give to a girlfriend (it was actually Ging's request lol), lots of misunderstanding, Killua being too shy to ask the handsome stranger out and Alluka and Zushi being done with his shit 

“rice isn’t the only thing getting crushed here” - Osamu falls in love with one of his most loyal costumers—Akaashi and he thinks he might just have a shot at it until one day while Akaashi is ordering a bunch of riceballs, Bokuto Koutaro of Japan's National Volleyball team enters the restaurant and sweeps Akaashi of his feet, unexpected angst and a generous helping of unrequited pining :)) dw this fic can go two ways: Bokuto is just Akaashi's best friend who he hasn't seen in months or b. Bokuto is actually Akaashi's fiance maybe i’ll write both endings heehee

“killua is sad and gets lovebombed” - while staying in Whale Island, Killua thinks he that he doesn't deserve Gon and tries to leave him while he's asleep but his plan is stopped when Gon wakes up and they both end up revealing their true feelings for each other

“excuse to write charles getting fucked by two delicious men” - Erik and Charles have been in a relationship for years now and basically fell out of love so when Erik gets promoted and has to move, Charles agrees and so they break up. Charles turns to Logan (who harbors a giant crush on Charles) for companionship and sleep together once. Logan says it was an accident but Charles wants more and they establish a FWB situation of sorts since Charles isn't ready yet. But then Charles gets into an accident and can't remember what happened the past year and a half so he still thinks he's with Erik. Meanwhile, Erik is living a luxurious yet empty life and when he gets the call from Raven about Charles' situation, he immediately goes back running.

“killua in whale island” - KilluGon are like 20-ish and Killua visits Whale Island and Ging just happens to be there as well. Killua thinks about how even though Gon and Ging are near identical, Gon just looks so much more handsome. (probs just a oneshot) 

 “another horny cherik fic” - Charles is a demon who was accidentally summoned when Raven, Hank and Ororo uses Erik's blood to perform a demon summoning ritual (as a joke) they didn't know it would actually work so now Charles is stuck with Erik because the human absolutely refuses to sell his soul

“IwaOi overboard AU” - Oikawa is a rich pretty boy and Iwa a college dropout who works at his uncle's repair shop with his younger brother Tobio and cousin Kyoutani ( both 5 yrs old). One day he gets called over to fix one of Oikawa's cars and after a failed and disastrous encounter with a drunk Oikawa, Iwa leaves the mansion fuming. Later in the day, it's discovered that Oikawa got in a car crash that took away his memories and since Oikawa apparently lives alone, he has no one to get him. not until Iwa comes ofc and with a malicious and vengeful intent, he tells Oikawa that they're dating and live together in his crappy apartment

“dancer Akaashi” - Akaashi is a dancer, Osamu is a bartender at the bar he works at and has also been in love with Akaashi for the past two years. He doesn't confess since he knows Akaashi doesn't like romance but then enters a bright eyed cheery Bokuto who sweeps the unreachable Midnight Moon off of his feet, bokuaka but im leaning towards bokuosaaka since akaashi deserves two boyfriends

“watch me be poetically horny for Akaashi Keiji” - Akaashi is a vampire and Osamu, a skilled artist. Akaashi posing nude and delighted at how beautifully Osamu portrays him. Osamu says otherwise. 

Cherik College AU - drift by great gable.... late teens cherik... Erik being a misanthropic horny bastard and Charles a snarky piece of shit.... they get paired up for 7 minutes in heaven... turns out Charles has been ogling him for a while now..  hmmmm,,,.,. ( i wrote this when i was drunk and my og draft is too long so take this instead lolz) 

“ BokuAka (NSFW) ” - Bokuto pushing off a guy who tried to hit on Akaashi while they're at a club. Akaashi gets so turned on he immediately drags Bokuto to the bathroom where he gets his facefucked in one of the bathroom stalls or Akaashi getting his face fucked in a dirty alley at the back of a bar after Bokuto gets into a fistfight.

“KuroKen (NSFW)  ” -Kenma does top during sex but but he's just really lazy to put in the effort 

aight that’s it oh damn i just now realize how much i have T-T bruhhhhhhh and this isn’t even all of them damnnn 

[starbuckie]

Some Quarantine Lovin’  Prologue: It’s Corona Time

Marvel Highschool!AU

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Obscene amounts of fluff, kissing, swearing, kinda a lot of angst

Description: Bucky Barnes is absolutely, no doubt about it, in love with Y/N L/N. He’s loved her since the day he laid eyes on her in the third grade. He loved her when he had his own girlfriend, and when he was barely friends with her for a whole summer. And of course, in his freshman year, they are now stuck together. In a house. During a worldwide quarantine. This should be fun.

Words: 2,110 words

A/N: Hey guys! This is my first fanfic, and I’m honest to God absolutely terrified. I hope you like it, because I’ve been wanting to write since the beginning of quarantine. If you like it, like or repost, and I’m so, so, grateful. Stay home and stay safe y’all!

“Buck, can you pass me the vitamin water?” The boy was stuck in his reverie, looking at the girl next to him with unfocused eyes. Bucky had a tendency to daydream during class about different things, however most of them came back to one person. “Bucky!” The girl, frustrated with him, quickly whacked him in the arm.

“Ow, what the hell Y/N?” Bucky rubbed his bicep where she had so rudely whacked him. The girl chuckled briefly and gave him a warm smile. “What are we doing right now,” he asked, “I wasn’t paying attention.”

Y/N’s smile grew wider. “Yeah, I could tell. Can you pass me the vitamin water? I’m thirsty and hungry, and we still have forty minutes of class.” Bucky rolled his eyes at his close friend and slid her the orange bottle across their shared desk. She screwed off the cap and chugged down half the bottle, while Bucky grimaced then snatched the bottle out of her hands. 

“Jesus Y/N, share with me too, I’m the one who bought it.” The girl just shot another heart-warming smile at him again, making his heart flutter. 

“But I’m the one who snuck you into my room when you couldn’t get back into your own house. I told you that going to creek with Steve at midnight was a fucking dumb idea.” She lightly snorted, and looked back up to the board, where physics problems were scrawled out in blue marker. Bucky thought back to that night two weeks ago. 

He had sat with you, Steve Nat, Wanda, and Sam at lunch, talking about the rumors of the COVID-19 breakout. They had overheard from some of the juniors that the school would be shut down, for only one day, but possibly more. Though it had only been barely a rumor, Bucky and Steve had to take extreme measures in case they wouldn’t be able to see each other for the next few weeks. They were going to go down to the creek behind the townhouses at night, and hang out. Y/N and Sam had immediately laughed at their two dumbass friends, and Nat and Wanda had barely cared. 

     Upset with their friends for being unsupportive, the Barnes and Nobles duo, as the gang liked to call them, decided to go through with their creek plan. They had snuck out at eleven thirty, well after Steve’s ma and Bucky’s parents thought they were in bed, and met outside Steve’s house. They had brought bags of chips, and Bucky had even managed to sneak two cans of beer from his dad’s stash. They stayed there until three in the morning, just talking about high school, and how they were so excited to be sophomores the next year and haze the new freshman. Then the topic of discussion had come to Bucky’s large crush on Y/N, that wasn’t too subtle. 

     “Buck, are you really going to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t like Y/N?” Steve asked his friend exasperatedly. Bucky rose his gaze from the gurgling water to Steve’s eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out and he blushed. “That’s what I thought, you idiot.” 

     So Bucky may have had a crush on one of his oldest friends. He had been enamored with her the moment he met her in the third grade with Natasha, until he met a pretty girl named Dot in the seventh grade and dated her until the end of eighth grade. Throughout that period of time, Y/N and Bucky’s friendship was distant and strained, but thankfully they reconnected with the crew over the summer going into highschool. He hadn’t seen her much during June, but when she came back from her acting camp up north, she had grown taller and tanner, with curves that he hadn’t noticed before. All his elementary feelings had hit him like a truck again, and he followed Y/N around like a lost puppy again, which Steve took note of and enjoyed teasing him about. By the end of the night with Steve, he had emptied out his soul to his best friend, making him promise to not tell a single soul. Steve agreed, but not before saying, “You’re screwed, punk.” 

     The boys had started walking back to their street, and when they looked at the time, they saw that it was 3:30, and they needed to get back. They sprinted to their houses, and scrambled back up the pipes on their houses. Steve got in safely, and poked his head out the window to make sure Bucky got in his own house as well. However, the sight he was met with made him laugh instead. Bucky had a panicked look on his face, and a look of realization came over him as he realized that the window was locked from the inside when he closed it earlier when leaving. 

     “Steve,” he whisper-yelled to his best friend, “can I come over for the night?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, hurry up!” Bucky scrambled back down to pipes and ran over to the side of Steve’s house, but as soon as he started climbing, Steve exclaimed, “Crap, crap, crap, my ma’s coming up the stairs, I gotta go Buck. I’m sorry!” His window shut quietly, and Bucky groaned. He pulled out his phone, and checked with the one person he both wanted and didn't want to see. 

     His finger hovered over her contact, her and Bucky’s faces grinning with peace signs held towards the camera. He pressed her number, and her gentle voice picked up. “Hey Buck, what’s up? I thought you were out with Steve.”

     “Yeah, about that…” He told Y/N the whole story of how his window was locked and Steve’s ma coming to his room. Her giggle through the phone was melodic, and he smiled just hearing it. “You are the only person I know who stays up at these unholy hours, reading Sebastian Stan fanfictio-”

     “Hey, you promised we wouldn’t talk about it!” She hurriedly cut him off. He chuckled quietly, and resumed talking.

     “Chill out, doll, no one can hear me. So, can I come over? Just for the night? I can provide cuddles and other services as well.” He jokingly said, wiggling his eyebrows though he knew she couldn’t see him. 

     “Yes, you can spend the night, you dumbass. But you gotta be quiet as shit, because if my parents find you with me in my bed, they’re gonna get the wrong idea.” His face heated up at the mention of that, but nonetheless, he still ran over to her house, a few blocks away. 

The rest of the night had been filled with quiet laughter, cuddling, and finally passing out at around 4:30 am in each other’s arms. 

Finally snapping out of his reverie, he just nodded dumbly until their physics teacher stood up. “As you all have probably heard at this point, the rumors about our school shutting down due to the coronavirus breakout are true.” Murmurs and laughs were audible around the classroom, and Y/N turned towards Bucky with a huge smile. Mr. Fury, clearly frustrated with the class, gets their attention again. “Hey, hey! I’m not done yet. Next week we will be testing online classes on the app Zoom. We are going to see how it goes, and though we hope that we will be able to return to school, the likelihood is that we will not be returning for the rest of the school year.”

Mr. Fury continued telling the class about Zoom, and instructed the students on how to use the app. Y/N was absolutely elated. For the rest of the year, she didn’t have to sit in hardass chairs at desks, but rather stay in the comfort of her home. It was part of her introverted nature she assumed, but as she saw the frown on Bucky’s face, she began to sport one as well. 

“Hey Buckaroo, what’s the pouting about,” Y/N inquiried. He sighed heavily and looked at her. “James, is everything okay?” To be honest, he was absolutely infuriated and scared of the virus, because it had now taken away his only safe place outside his house. Y/N knew about his family problems, the whole gang did, and they all did their best to support him in any way he needed, whether it was staying over or a homemade meal, but they were always there to help their friend. 

Bucky’s breathing got harsher, so Y/N grabbed his hand under the table and squeezed it. He glanced up, his eyes full of gratefulness and adoration. They both turned back to face Mr. Fury. “Tonight, there’ll be emails sent out to you, and your parents. Okay, pack up and leave, I don’t wanna see your faces for longer than I get paid for.” Y/N and Bucky gathered their things, and hustled out of the classroom.

“Hey Buck, hey Y/N,” Steve yelled from across the yard, “Where are you going next?” Y/N saw her blond friend and pulled him into a hug. Where she couldn’t see, Steve shrugged and Bucky glared at him. She released her friend from the hug. 

“Buck and I just have a free period next, we’re heading down to the library now though. Wanna come?” She asked. Steve nodded, and the trio walked to the library on the other side of campus. “It’s gonna be so weird when we have classes from home. I actually have to clean up my room, and see people from class. It’s a travesty.” She dramatically draped her forearm over her face, feigning sadness. What a fucking theatre kid, Bucky thinks. He just rolls his eyes and chuckles.

“C’mon, there are tons of things worse than just cleaning up your room. I’m gonna be stuck with my fucking family for a week, and maybe til the end of the year.” Bucky dropped his head at his words, and the three students stopped walking. Y/N pulled him in for a hug, running her hands up and down his back in a soothing manner. She knew he was on the verge of having a panic attack, and she hated it. She hated his father for making him feel worthless, she hated the psychopath who killed his mother, and she hated the fact that he has to take care of his baby sister all by himself, because only God knows where was father is at night. Bucky felt tears prick at his eyes, but he strongly inhaled and let it go. He secretly breathed in the scent of Y/N’s hair, the faint scent of her pineapple perfume calming him. She slowly released him from the hug, and he whispered, “Thank you.” With a small smile and nod of her head, they continued walking down to the library. 

Steve and Bucky made small talk about the online workouts for their baseball team, but Y/N was deep in her own thoughts. She hated the thought of Bucky staying with his dad for the duration of quarantine. Hell, she hated the thought of his dad in general. Y/N had known Bucky since the third grade, but he had only opened up to her about their family issues in seventh grade. However, she wanted to be there for him, because, well, she loved him. So, so, much. 

Before they entered the library, she stopped walking and said, “You guys go on in, I’ll catch up with you.” Both the boys looked at each other, confused.

“Where are you going, doll?” Bucky asked. She tried her best to hide the blush rising at her cheeks, but Bucky saw it and smirked. She rolled her eyes and started walking away.

“I gotta make a quick phone call,” she yelled, “I’ll be back faster than you can say cartesian diver!”

“What?” Steve yelled, confused by everything. He hadn’t had the project yet, but he would learn soon enough.

“I don’t know, it was the first thing that came to mind!” And with that, the excited girl made her way to the office to call her parents. Bucky chuckled at Y/N, though his heart was nearly bursting out of his chest with how adorably strange she was. His eyes stared at her retreating form for a while, until he turned around to meet Steve’s smirk. 

“Shut it punk, I don’t wanna hear it.” His cheeks were burning red and his oldest friend just laughed.

“Jesus, you’re absolutely smitten,” Steve said, slinging his arm around Bucky as they walked into the library.

[katymacsupernatural]

When Relief Turns to Dread

Dean Winchester x Reader

Written for: @idabbleincrazy Her prompt: "Oh, so you think *you* can take me down a peg, sweetheart?"

Warnings: Angst, attempted non con, nothing too graphic

It had been two long weeks without Dean. Two weeks he was held by Demons, no doubt being tortured. Sam had stayed back at the bunker, doing research, calling all of his friends. You couldn’t sit still so you had left. Climbing in your beat-up Pontiac, you headed North, to the last place Dean had been seen. 

With it being the holiday season you were barely able to snag the last hotel room. It was a suite, so much fancier than you were used to. It had a large jacuzzi bathtub, fragrant bubble bath bombs beside it. A king-size bed was perched in front of an electric fireplace. 

“Wow,” You whispered, tossing your threadbare duffle bag on the plush armchair in the corner. “I wish Dean was here. He would love this room.”

Sure, Dean usually picked the cheapest and ugliest motel. The beds would be lumpy and stained, but not this room. The sheets were silky soft, the comforter plusher than the one back at the bunker.

Just thinking about Dean brought a pang to your chest. You missed him something fierce. 

It was almost midnight and while you wanted to get to work finding him, you needed sleep. You needed to get your head clear so you could listen to the clues and bring Dean home.

Something had you sitting up instantly in bed, your heart racing. The moon barely peaked through your curtains, illuminating a figure sitting in the armchair. Instinctively you reached for the gun you always kept under your pillow, but a chuckle made you stop.

“Always the same,” he muttered. “Y/N, you’ve always slept like the dead.”

Within seconds you had the bedside lamp on. It threw shadows over the man, but you instantly knew who he was. “Dean?” You called out, moving to climb off the bed, but he raised his hand, stopping you.

“Hey there sweetheart,” he answered, his voice low and even, showing no emotions. It surprised you, but you also understood it. After all, he had been through so much the past couple of weeks. 

You stayed where you were, even though you wanted to climb out of bed and throw your arms around him. “I’m so glad...I mean...how did you...and now you’re…,” you stuttered, wanting to know so much about what happened. It was such a relief, seeing him here. 

“Whoa, slow down. You’re making no sense,” he chuckled, standing up and making his way to the side of the bed. His hand rested near your thigh. His face was finally in the light. You noticed the broken skin near his eyebrow, his lip was cracked. But it was his eyes that caught your attention. They were still the candy apple green that you loved so much. But the twinkle in them, the life that you loved so much was gone. They were just calculating and cold and had you sinking back into the pillows. “Dean, are you okay? We need to call Sam, let him know you’re okay!”  

“No!” He exclaimed, his hand clenching tight on the comforter, his knuckles bruised. “No, I don’t want Sam to know. Not yet.”

“Okay,” you answered, watching him closely, trying to figure out what was going on. 

He took a deep breath. “Listened, I just got out, and I want some time with you before we get back to real life. Is that too much to ask for?”

“No,” you answered, reaching down to thread your fingers through his, but he pulled back. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

You were glad he was okay, but you were also concerned about his demeanor. You felt awkward around him and unsure.”Dean, I bet you’re tired. Why don’t you climb in bed and we can talk about things in the morning.” 

He shook his head, his hand moving closer to your thigh, hot and heavy through the blankets. “I’m not tired.” 

“Then we can talk,” you offered, patting the bed beside you. “I don’t care. I’ve just missed you.”

His eyes were dark as he suddenly leaned forward, his lips crushing painfully against yours, his hand roughly cupping you through the blankets. “Dean!” You exclaimed, pushing on his chest. “That hurt!” 

He moved back, just a little, his hand still nestled between your thighs. “You’ve never minded sex before.” 

His hateful tone had your blood running cold. “Dean, I don’t mind sex with you. But you’ve never been that rough before. Give a girl a little warning beforehand.”

He pushed at your shoulder until you fell back against your pillows, your heart racing as you waited for his next move. “When I was being held by those Demon’s, there was one thought that kept running through my mind. You, and the feel of this pussy wrapped around me.”

Dean was speaking so much cruder than you were used to, sending warning signals all through your mind. His hand had ripped the blankets from your bed, ruffling pulling down your sleep shorts as well. “Dean, please, can we just go slow,” you pleaded. This isn’t what you needed. Sure, you could have done hard and fast, but this was different. It was cold and distant. 

“I can make you scream,” he promised, sliding his finger home with no foreplay. You were dry and even the stretch of his finger had you crying out in pain.

“Dean, stop!” You pleaded, your hips scooting up on the bed, trying to get away. He grabbed your throat, holding you still, and you couldn’t take anymore.

Raising your hand, you slapped his cheek as hard as you could. He released you, and you slid off the bed, using it as a shield. “Oh, so you think you can take me down a peg sweetheart?” He chuckled, his cheek bright red from your hand. 

“Dean, what happened to you?” You asked, reaching for your duffle bag where your spare gun lay. “What did they do to you?”

He was around the bed before you could blink, grabbing you by your shoulders and slamming you into the wall. “They actually helped me out. They removed something that had been making me miserable. Wanna know what it was?”

Your eyes were wide as you struggled to breathe. He leaned in, his breath warm against your ear. “They took my soul. And it’s so freeing. Let’s me feed into all these basic urges.” 

Dean/Jensen Tags: @acortez82 @acreativelydifferentlove @adoptdontshoppets @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278  @bebravekeeponfighting  @bi-danvers0 @brindz30 @burningcoffeetimetravel @cap-just-said-language @colette2537   @deansgirl215  @flamencodiva @hamiltrash1411 @its-not-a-tulpa @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @just-another-winchester @karouwinchester @keikoraventeller  @krys198478 @librarygeekery @magssteenkamp @misspygmypie @mlovesstories @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk  @mrspeacem1nusone @nothinbuttrouble2 @ria132love @ruprecht0420     @sortaathief @superseejay721517 @squirrelnotsam @team-free-will-you-idjiot @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @torn-and-frayed @tricksterdean @wonderfulworldofwinchester @woodworthti666

Forever Tags:  @aditimukul @alexwinchester23 @algud @amanda-teaches @andreaaalove   @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @camelotandastronauts @caswinchester2000 @chelsea072498  @closetspngirl   @docharleythegeekqueen @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @esoltis280   @foxyjwls007 @gh0stgurl @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek  @heyitscam99 @hobby27 @horsegirly99 @internationalmusicteacher @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jensen-gal @just-another-busyfangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @lifelovelaughangell123 @li-ssu @linki-locks11 @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice   @maui137 @mersuperwholocked-lowlife @mogaruke​ @monkeymcpoopoo @musiclovinchic93  @nanie5​   @percussiongirl2017​ @plaid-lover-bay25​   @roonyxx​ @ronja-uebrick @roxyspearing​ @samanthaharper2018 @samanddeanmyheroes​ @sandlee44​ @shamelesslydean​ @simonsbluee​ @sillesworldofwriting​ @sgarrett49​ @spnbaby-67​ @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester​ @spnwoman​   @superbadassnatural​ @thatcrazybookwormgeek​   @thewinchesterchronicles​ @vvinch3st3r​ @wecantgiggleitsafandom​ @whimsicalrobots​ @winchester-writes​ @zombiewerewolfqueen​

[llothlette]

I'm writing this because, I got some news today, April 4, 2020. I want to write it all down so I don't lose this piece of who she was. I don't want this truth to become muddied when the shit really hits the fan. TW: angst, abuse, disease

Mattie Ruth Fletcher

Grandmothers are probably one of the most beloved creatures. They have all the qualities of a mother, though tempered and slowed with age. They seem to delight in watching their grandchildren grow and learn. They have lived and raised enough children to adulthood to forgive more readily and cuddle more often. They give and they teach and they spoil and they love.

But they are also weak and frail. They are the wrinkled, weary shrouds of the brave, stubborn, and determined women they used to be. Many people take refuge and comfort in the presence of their grandmothers but often, especially near the end, they are often abandoned in their hour of need.

My grandmother was born somewhere on a reservation of the Choctaw nation. Her mother gave birth to her out of wedlock during a time when such things would see the mother and child scorned as vehemently as a pile of dog shit. An unwed mother wasn't fit to hire for maid services or other wholesome "women's work". She was used goods and the best she could hope for was to find some desperate man to take her.

My great grandmother was a child of freed slaves, working as a sharecropper in the south. She was as dark as coal, petite, but still strong and beautiful enough to catch the eye of a fairly well off man who's Choctaw mother found herself in the bed of a white man. She had been terribly in love with my great grandfather but when my grandmother was born, he denied her. Even though she had his thick, silky hair as black as midnight. Even though she had his light tan skin, and gracefully sculpted cheekbones. Even though she was clearly his.

His family sent my great grandmother money and food but continued to deny his child's legitimacy. My grandmother suffered. Her family disgraced, ostracized, and bullied. She tried her best to make friends, but the other townsfolk kept their children away. Each day she tried harder. If she was the best reader, they'd be her friends. If she was the best at sewing, they'd see that she was really a GOOD girl. If she went to church, they'd know that she too was a child of God.

It wasn't enough. It was never enough. There was little respectable work for her mother to do and the money, food, and occasional dress her former lover sent out of pity was never enough to keep them both fed, so she rushed to marry.

She married an awful man. Where home had once been at least some sort of refuge, it became a nightmare for my grandmother. Her stepfather was abusive... in so many ways and she had the misfortune of being "exotic" and pretty. He wouldn't keep his hands off her. She attempted to reveal what he had done but, she was a child of an "unscrupulous woman". She HAD to have seduced him herself. The abuse from the rest of their small community and home led my grandmother to seek refuge with her father's family.

At first things were fine, or at least better. She performed the role of the perfect little stepdaughter admirably. She, did whatever was asked, in hopes that they'd love her. But it did not last. Her father's family still saw her as a stain and his wife loathed her entirely. Once the novelty of his lovely estranged child wore off and the verbal abuse from his wife became too much, my grandmother was forced to return home. She knew she couldn't stay and so....She fled into the arms of the first decent man she found, hoping to finally be loved.

But...as romantic as being married to a military partner is at first, the neurotic need for structure, the outbursts of PTSD, and the resulting abuse proved to once again to be too much. She felt trapped and unloved and afraid. And then one day, after a fight with her husband, she packed just a few things, left their child with his grandparents and walked down the road. She walked until she found someone... and hopped into my grandfather's car.

He was understandably confused. A beautiful woman, sobbing, and shaking had appeared in his life, asking that he just take her anywhere. So, he did. He took her up north with him to Wisconsin, where he intended to make a good living at the steel mills. She settled down with him, still technically married to her first husband, and became his wife. They weren't quite so good at keeping and updating records back then. So it was easy to just walk off and get married again.

Their life was good. For a while. She birthed him a strong baby boy and soon was pregnant with another child. The second child didn't make it. She slipped into what she called "a deep hole, like the devil got a hold of me and wouldn't turn me loose". She couldn't find her way out. Her husband did the only thing he knew to do with a woman who wouldn't cook, clean, and was only slightly responsive to their living baby. He beat her.

That quick, painful shock jarred her out of her head, her depression and fear. It reminded her of the days she spent trying to appeal to her abusers and bullies to avoid the sting of another beating or indignity. If she was good enough, they wouldn't hurt her. If she was good enough, they would believe her. She resumed her domestic duties. And her new husband was immediately sorry, for hurting her at least.

For a while things were good. She fell pregnant again and upon the birth of this child, They found him sickly. He wouldn't talk when it was time. He clung to her. Her husband took to drinking. That deep dark hole threatened to swallow her again, but this time her husband was proactive. He cursed her, belittled her, hit her, degraded her. Only, no matter how good she tried to be, he did not stop. It just continued. She thought to leave... But somehow she fell pregnant again.

This became their cyclical love language. My grandfather would be happy, tender and loving, my grandmother would fall pregnant, if the child lived, they would continue to be happy and in love until some other man noticed she existed. If the child died and slipped into depression, he beat her. If he had a bad day at work he belittled and criticized her. When it became too much she ran away.

When she returned, they were in love again... until she was too tired, fearful, and doubtful of herself to run anymore. When that happened it became an endless slog of misery and pitiful dependence on a man who showed love with beatings, harsh words and strategic sex to keep her pregnant and uncertain. In total, my grandmother had 7 live children that made it to adulthood, that I know of. But between each child there is 1 or 2 that were lost.

Throughout my childhood I saw my grandmother as a harried, but capable woman. She always was trying to figure out what was wrong with her. Her husband and children always said she was crazy and making things up for attention. Even when her speech became slurred and her gait unsteady. She was making it all up. She was an uneducated woman. We knew because grandfather said so. Everyone talked over her all the time. She could only be part of the conversation if she was agreeing with everyone else. The only "good" thing about her was that she "always loved granddaddy".

It was the strangest of days when I learned the truth of their relationship. During my childhood, her pitiful pining, her fear, the accusations of him cheating or trying to leave her, her flinching if he ever moved too fast, all seemed to fall in line with grandfather's statements that grandma was crazy. She was strange, mentally. She always exaggerated everything... But that day, something was different.

I have always been the sort to listen and try to figure out how to fix the problem. That's how we had learned that her colorful descriptions of "things crawling under her skin and snapping in her face" was a series strokes and muscle spasms. So on this day, when her movements were clumsy and slow and she seemed so, so weak, I listened.

It was after my grandfather had died and no one was left in the house but the two of us. She heaved with great body shaking sobs, feeling along the dining room table as she eased into a seat. I assumed she missed grandfather. I... was wrong. "I've been abused. I've been abused my whole life. By everyone. Even my own children. They look down on me, treat me like a stupid animal. There's so much I wanted to see and do and I never will!" She declared between sobs.

"Because granddaddy is gone? Grandma, you can still do things! I miss him too, but I know he'd want me to be happy. So I keep trying, you have to keep trying."

"That man.... He took so much away from me. I ran from home to stop people from hurting me. I ran to my first husband thinking life would be better... I ran to your granddaddy thinking he'd save me. I should have stayed where I was." She, the woman who had cradled me in her arms and soothed me when I scraped my knees as a child, was now cradling herself...But without comfort. "At least I knew what ugly thangs they had for me. At least they wouldn't be able to break me down like this! He kept me full of babies, even when we couldn't afford them. My children were hungry because he'd spend the money, drinking, to keep me scared and desperate. I got a job, thinking I'd make up the difference. He couldn't let me have that, he clowned at my job every day until they fired me. I gave up on everything. Everything... until he was all I had. That's what he wanted. And now he's dead!"

I stared in shock for a while and asked her questions...and in turn she told me her story. It was long, disturbing and left my heart crushed. I knew it wasn't a lie because of the bits I had heard growing up. Great stories of my grandfather's wit, perseverance, and strength, finally had the plotholes filled in. The dam had broken in this woman but there was no relief. As i pressed on with encouragement to help her travel she confessed something she hadn't told a soul yet.

"Ain't no point in traveling now. Baby my eyes are going. I can barely make out the color of your shirt, it's all a fog. I ain't said nothing cause nobody ever believes me."

I told one of my aunts. And later that year we learned that my grandmother had multiple sclerosis. She probably had it the whole time, but the lack of education and the abuse she suffered rendered it difficult for her to communicate what was happening.

After her husband's death, her health declined rapidly. Her memory failed her and her sight completely left. Her children argued over who would shoulder the "burden" she'd become. No one wanted her. She was always too much. Eventually she was placed in a nursing home, to the lament of her grandchildren. But, let's face it, we're all struggling to carve out something for ourselves. We don't have the resources or the right to command more for her.

I consoled myself with the fact that my grandmother had found some peace in her old age. Perhaps some love. But... today, I learned that she's been diagnosed with COVID-19. She's scared, alone, and trapped in the looping nightmare of her MS and PTSD addled mind, struggling to live. I feel that I have failed her utterly. I feel that her family has learned nothing from her struggle.

But, I have hope that one day soon, she'll be discharged and I can hug her tightly again and hopefully she'll know that she is loved by someone.

[honeymoonjin]

bts reaction - you break up

A/N: requested by a lovely anon. In case you hadn’t guessed, this one is angst. The request was for a 8-10 year-long relationship but I thought I’d change it up a little bit for each member. Update: i just finished writing this and made myself sad so good luck.

Jin

some couples stay together just because it would be too exhausting to start over again

you and jin were that couple

you had been married for six, going on seven years, and everyone could see that neither of you were particularly happy

but at this point, divorcing seemed like too much effort

you two had a dog together, a massive fluffy monster that loved jin and loved chewing your shoes

you of course had a house, with belongings and furniture that would have to be divided between you two

it wasn’t that bad, you’d tell yourself

he was always gone anyway, on tour or spending most of his waking ours out with the boys

in a way, it was like the two of you were roommates

jin used the excuse of not wanting to wake you as a reason to have his own bed, so you two didn’t even share a bed

some weeks, you wouldn’t see him at all

it was a pretty clear sign of a bad relationship that those were the good times

because when he was home, it seemed like all you did was argue

he loved cooking, but got you to make dinner anyway and would complain when it didn’t taste as good as his

he wasn’t satisfied with the way you folded his laundry

you would always forget important dates

anything was enough to set the two of you off

arguments usually consisted of you spitting nasty words at him, and him yelling at you loudly enough that he would drown you out completely and you’d be unable to defend whatever he was throwing at you

in the end, they’d always finish with you walking out in tears, and him sulking on the couch like he hadn’t done a thing wrong

just last week the guys gave their hyung an intervention

even though you knew breaking up made sense, it felt like fucking shit to be told that six of your closest friends sat down your husband and told him to divorce you

but secretly, it would be a relief for jin to just make a decision for once in his life and end it

one of the secrets you’d never tell another soul is the divorce papers you keep underneath your framed graduation certificate on the wall

you would dream of a life, of being free and able to start again, and fantasise about handing him those documents, already signed on your behalf

but you knew you never could

as much as you didn’t like each other, you still loved each other

two days before your seventh anniversary, jin sneaks into your bedroom just after midnight and slips into your bed

you gasp at his cold feet but allow him to pull you into an embrace, one you hadn’t felt for too long

he sniffled and whispered into your ear 

“i think we need to get a divorce”

“i know”

and so the two of you cry, mourning the death of a relationship that went stale long ago

somehow that night, you two were closer than you had been in years

you supported each other when you cried, even had sex for what would be the last time when you needed more comfort

and you woke up the next morning to your graduation certificate dumped on the bed, and jin signing the document you thought he didn’t know about

just like near strangers can lean on each other in times of need, the two of you actually become friends again throughout the divorce process

because as hard and unpleasant as it is, you know that at least you’re doing it with him

once you break out of that monotony of a miserable marriage, you’re free to actually enjoy each other’s company again

and when jin finds a new woman and asks her to marry him, it’s tears of happiness for him that you shed

and maybe a little self pity... but that will go away with time

Yoongi

you always knew going in that yoongi could be a very erratic person

distracted when you were together, but focused when it came to work

and you had told yourself for a long time that you didn’t mind

you had been together so long that for a while it was just your new normal

it wasn’t until you spontaneously developed a bit of a crush on hoseok that you realized just how not-normal this whole thing was

it wasn’t that you seriously fell for hoseok, but one night you had fought with yoongi about finances, him thinking it was dumb you wanted to work when he could provide

after he stormed out in anger, he must’ve messaged the group chat to complain about you, because all of a sudden hobi was calling you up asking for your side of the story

that night, he came over and let you cry on his shoulder and tell him all of your worries and concerns, offering advice when you wanted it and support when you needed it

after that, you started looking at hobi a little differently

you weren’t even really crushing on him that badly

you loved yoongi you always will, but you would admit you were more than a little infatuated with hobi just because of how good a friend he was

you couldn’t help but picture what it would be like to have someone like him as a boyfriend

and that thought led everything downhill for you and yoongi

you started to realize that hobi wasn’t a saint, he was what any caring friend/partner should be, and that it was yoongi that was lacking

you hated yourself for thinking like that, but the thought took a hold of you and you eventually had to break things off

after he refused to come home to you when you asked one night, you went to his studio and did it there

telling him that you loved him but that you needed more from a relationship, something that he just wasn’t giving you

he nodded, said nothing, and went back to his work

you stormed out eventually after he continued to ignore you, and for a long time you were angry. furious that he didn’t even care

but you could see in later press events and interviews (you didn’t know why you couldn’t stop watching him them) that he was even more glum and reserved than usual

but he was too proud to ask for your forgiveness, and one day he must have found it in himself to move on, staying single for a long time but slowly cheering up over time

you had several relationships after that, each one with men far more affectionate and attentive than yoongi, but you weren’t really happy

because now those embraces seemed smothering and their reliance on you suffocating

you missed the way yoongi and you were

but it was too late to get him back

Hoseok

maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever had to face is having your boyfriend of three years wake up one day and realize he’s not in love with you anymore

no

the hardest thing is that he was probably never in love with you at all, not really

you were the perfect girlfriend, even hobi admits it

when he was spending more and more time with sweet hani, one of the young trainees in the background dancer team, you didn’t become a tiger girlfriend

you were really happy he was making good friends, and you could see how genuinely content he seemed to be after meeting here

so you never pried, and you just trusted him

he didn’t cheat on you, of course, he could never do that

in fact, he was so honest with you it hurt

he told you as soon as he was having feelings for her, saying that he didn’t know what to do

and you, the masochist you were, told him as long as he didn’t cheat, he should allow himself to explore those feelings

you had kinda hoped he’d get to know her better and change his mind, but the opposite happened

almost every night, he’d get into bed, guilty as anything, telling you exactly what happened and how he was feeling

he kept telling you he’d cut contact if it made you uncomfortable, but all you wanted was to see him happy, even if it tore you up inside

one day, when you were a little sick of hearing him gush over her right after fucking you for two hours, you snapped and told him he should just dump you and get with her instead

he just laughed uncomfortably and said goodnight

but the next morning, the bed was cold when you woke up

he was in the kitchen, eyes weary

he had been thinking, hobi told you, thinking all night

“i think spending more time with hani has helped me realize that while i love you, i really do, i’m not in love with you”

“and you’re in love with hani?”

“...i really think so. y/n, i’m so sorry, i’ll stay with you if you want-”

but you weren’t a fucking charity. you couldn’t stand to see him catering to you and being miserable, so you broke up with him

you weren’t ashamed to admit that it fucking destroyed you to see him bounce back so fast

you were stopping by the dorm to pick up tae (the two of you were friends from high school, and he introduced you to hoseok in the first place)

and there was hobi, practically fucking glowing as he scrolled through pictures of him and hani on a date, showing the best ones to an over-excited jimin

you, on the other hand, felt sick from the diet of ice-cream and wine you had picked up, and just wished you could wind back time to when you were naive and happy

but what hani gave him, you couldn’t provide, so you had to accept it

an attempt at acceptance turned into revenge, however, and any semblance of goodwill between you two was destroyed when him and hani came home to you enjoying the company of jungkook and jin rather loudly

sue you for wanting a little tlc. hoseok was getting his dick wet; why shouldn’t you get some action too?

since that day, he had stubbornly refused to acknowledge your existence, even as you began warming the beds of his friends more often than not

at least with jinnie and kookie, you all knew it was nothing more than sex

Namjoon

perhaps the most genial break-up ever

you two seriously wanted to make it work, you really did

but your fourth year anniversary was less than a month away and you honestly didn’t think you would make it that long

see, namjoon and you worked out perfectly on paper

you were his type and he was yours, and the two of you got on like a house on fire

but then, just over two months into the relationship, you realized you weren’t even really dating

sure, you had sex every now and again, but most of the time it was two much effort, and namjoon would get home only to tell you he already jacked off in his studio and wasn’t in the mood

and sure, you went out on date nights, but you really couldn’t make out a single difference between the atmosphere of your date nights and of gatherings of friends

when jimin and tae crashed your romantic night in, neither of you were that bothered

namjoon realized a lot sooner than you did that the two of you weren’t really going to be more than friends, but he was so sick of being alone and single, that he selfishly stuck at it in the hopes that it would get better

it became almost a ridiculous game between you two

you were obstinately doing everything by the book

you bought sex dice (”how long do we have to do each turn for?” “i don’t know joon, but rubbing my stomach with your foot for eight minutes seems excessive” “yeah, these suggestions aren’t that sexy, let’s watch some game of thrones”)

he bought you flowers every day when coming home from work (”i love them baby, but my allergies are going nuts and my eyes have been watering for the past three hours”)

you gave each other cutesy nicknames (”hey honey bear, can you pass me the salt?” “sure thing, my little dove” “you’re so kind, baby boo” “okay, that’s enough, let’s stop this” “oh thank god”)

but when namjoon caught you zoning out during a handjob, he decided it just wasn’t going to happen

the two of you drove your mutual friends mad over the following weeks

neither of you wanted to make a ‘rushed’ decision, so you spent hours making pro/con lists, powerpoint presentations, and even going to a medium before you finally called it quits

post-breakup, it was a relief to be around each other with no more expectations, but you’ll admit that both of you kind of missed having a partner, even if it wasn’t as lovey-dovey as you wanted

one night, after his fourth failed first date that week (it was a tuesday afternoon) namjoon called you up and asked to get back together

“we’ll do it better this time! we can be platonic partners?”

“what now?”

basically, namjoon wanted the two of you to do all the couple-y things like supporting each other, going grocery shopping together and sharing a bed, just with the knowledge that neither of you were romantically or sexually interested

and so that was were you now stood

the two of you had casual sex on the side, but just let yourselves enjoy each other’s company

Jimin

back to angst

not everyone is as reasonable and unaffected as namjoon

you’ve been with jimin for five years now, but the two of you had been friends with benefits for two years before that

everything had changed back then when jimin confessed he had feelings for you, and you made a very poor decision

you said yes to a relationship, even though you didn’t feel the same

you’ve never been good at saying no, and to be fair, jimin was the best fuck of your life, and perhaps you were a little scared of getting cut off completely if you rejected him

you expected he’d get sick of you after spending more time with you when he wasn’t balls deep in you

but the opposite was true

very quickly, your time become monopolized by jimin

he spent the night every night, unless he was on tour, in which case he’d want to stay on the phone for hours with you, often crying if he missed you

he offered to pay your rent and buy groceries so that you could quit your job, because he wanted you to be able to visit him on set 

you declined, and he reluctantly accepted it was a big ask

that didn’t stop him from sending you sometimes over fifty or sixty texts a day

he felt the need to share every aspect of his workday with you, and was put out when you didn’t do the same

in short, jimin was a very needy boyfriend, and it scared you a little

but you stayed with him, because against all odds the sex had gotten even better (jimin claimed it was the ‘emotional connection’)

and maybe it was kinda flattering to have someone want you like that

but you let it get too far, and by the time you figured you should end it, or tell him to slow down, you were celebrating your first anniversary, already in too deep

jimin proposed to you on september 3, exactly two years after he first confessed his feelings to you

you said no, that you weren’t ready 

jimin proposed to you on september 3, exactly three years after he confessed his feelings

you, a coward and a pushover, said yes

and now here you were, wearing a delicate and unbelievably pricey wedding gown, shaking with stress as your mother told you everything would be okay, wondering what the fuck you were doing

when you first sucked jimin’s dick in the disabled bathroom at the met gala, you had never intended or wanted it to go this far

there’s a knock on the door and it’s tae, jimin’s best man, and the go-between before the actual service

“i can’t do this, tae”

he looks unbelievably dashing in his suit, but his face is crumpled with stress

“y/n, i know maybe this is a bit much for you, but... he’s so fucking excited. i’ve never seen him this happy. if you don’t go through with it, it’ll destroy him.”

you sigh, wiggling your nose to push away the sting of impending tears. you’re the villain in your own life. selfish and scared, and stuck so far down this rabbit hole that you can never hope to crawl out again

“i’m gonna vomit, tae. i’m making a huge mistake.”

“you already made your huge mistake, y/n. every single day that you chose not to end it. it’s too late. this is me begging you, y/n. don’t leave him on his wedding day.”

but you do

you can’t face him

and you run away like the pathetic coward you are

well, you run as far the gates of the church and realize you’re even more of a coward than you thought you were

because you turn back around again, and marry park jimin 

he cries of happiness, holding your hand the entire night and telling you constantly how beautiful you are and how lucky he is and you internally decide that tae is right. it’s too late.

Taehyung

taehyung and you were really, truly happy for a long time

the first four years of your relationship were the best years of your life

he was so unbelievably smart, and talented, and artistic, and just a beautiful soul all around

you couldn’t believe your luck, that you got to wake up next to him every morning

but then, a couple months after moving in, something strange happened

he seemed to always be grumpy whenever he was around you

in fact, the reverse was true as well, you found yourself weirdly irritated by him

it became a vicious cycle of you annoying each other and just getting more riled up because of it

you started to become more aware of his flaws, things you had previously dismissed

he started pointing out the things about you he didn’t like

and one day the two of you sat down, and he suggested maybe it was a simple case of cabin fever

maybe you two just weren’t used to being around each other all the time

his solution: take a break

and you knew that taking a break had a reputation of meaning ‘breaking up’, but tae assured you it was just for a 

then, once you had moved back out temporarily, you realized how much happier you were without him

not having to always consider someone else when making plans, having the freedom to be a little selfish now and again

it felt liberating to not have to message him and arrange dates around his schedule

but you missed him late at night when your bed was cold

and you missed him early in the morning when you ate breakfast in a silent kitchen

and you missed him when you were exploring town, constantly finding small little things that you wished you could share with him

you finally decided after just under a fortnight that you missed him too much to be on a break

and naive little y/n was actually excited

you thought that this break was exactly what the both of you needed, that you’d go to his apartment and surprise him and he’d jump for joy, having missed you as much as you missed him

you didn’t expect to let yourself in and be greeted by him sprawled out on the couch, with a familiar head of platinum hair between his legs

he quickly tapped yoongi’s shoulder, and the elder man sat up in shock at the sight of you

“i thought you said you guys broke up?”

after yoongi had left, adjusting his pants subtly, but not subtly enough, you and tae sat down and had a long talk

apparently tae had seen the ‘taking a break’ as something a little more hard-set than you had

and he admitted to you that for him, what was missing from the relationship was attraction

and so you sat on the couch, the couch he had just got sucked off on, and listened as he came out to you as gay

you tried not to get angry

sexuality was a very personal journey, and he deserved sympathy and understanding, but your heart was broken

then, after you officially broke it off, you started realizing something over the coming weeks

the similarities you had to yoongi both physically and personality-wise

and you had to accept that for you it was always tae, but for tae it was always yoongi

they made a happy couple

but you couldn’t bring yourself to attend their wedding three years later

Jungkook

with jungkook, there was always the matter of experience

not just sexually, although that definitely impacted things, but just in terms of being in a relationship

as much as he argued passionately against the idea, he was inexperienced and naive when it came to being a couple

at his best, he was romantic but a little inconsistent

he wanted to sweep you off your feet, and worship you, and spend quality time with you, but it was always completely unpredictable when his romantic streak would come into effect

you’d be filing reports after your lunch break and get a call that jungkook had booked out your afternoon

and as a business coaching consultant, you had to drop everything to go to whatever location he put along with a fake name 

the worst part was, he never actually would tell you it was him, and you’d bring all your stuff along in your company car expecting to help out Tim Sanders with his ball pumping service (in parentheses ‘sports balls’) only for the address to be a small Italian restaurant, with your boyfriend in a tux out front

some part of you, okay, a big part of you, loved the grandiose way he did everything, but he didn’t understand how it affected your work, and the life outside of him

then there were periods where he made no effort at all

one of jungkook’s problem areas was how flaky he was

he had no reserves about providing a half-assed apology for why he wasn’t coming home, or ghosting you completely when he was on tour

white lies became the norm for him, and white lies have a tendency to grow

you found that you couldn’t trust him anymore, and it was affecting your relationship hugely

so one day when he was off work, you sat him down and told him you were breaking up

he didn’t take it well

you weren’t expecting it, but he reacted with anger rather than confusion or hurt

he kicked the coffee table over and punched a hole in your wall (which he paid for)

because you didn’t yet live together, he would show up to your work or call in, wanting to talk with you

he didn’t understand why you were breaking things off, but the break-up showed his true colors

he started posting vague captions on twitter, like ‘the grass is greener on your side :(’ or videos of him staring at the camera morosely as a sad pop song played in the background

it seemed that he took personal offense to being dumped, and it felt like that offense was more than his want to actually be with you, which was why you could never change your mind

the final straw which confirmed that was him telling news outlets in interviews that he broke up with you, because you ‘didn’t understand him’

the only silver lining was that once that anger and self-righteousness faded away, he had matured enough through that experience to be . better man and a better boyfriend to his next girlfriend

one night, years later, he sent you a text thanking you for giving him that reality check, and apologising for the person he was back then

you were just sad it wasn’t present-jungkook that you were dating, maybe then it wouldn’t have ended so badly

[quarterfromcanon]

2019 Fic Writing Roundup

I was tagged by my lovely friend @catty-words.

Total 2019 Word Count: 58,159

Total 2019 Hits: Asdfghjkl; Oh gosh, it’s much harder to tell when the work is only on Tumblr!  I’ll tally up the notes from there to get the closest approximation I can. It looks like there are 174 total (a mix of likes and comments) on the pieces that I posted from this past year.

Other 2019 AO3 Stats: N/A, although I did finally join AO3 *this* year, so next time around there’ll actually be things to put here! :)

Total 2018 Word Count: Published? None. I think I might have tried writing a little bit of something for myself somewhere in there, but I didn’t get back to any kind of public fandom writing until 2019.

Total 2018 Hits: None. What a difference a year can make! I look forward to comparing 2019 to whatever’s yet to come in 2020!

Other 2018 AO3 Stats: N/A

links and titles to 2019 works

Oooh, this is actually a good opportunity to list them chronologically rather than in publication sequence. Let me see if I can get them sorted. (If, however, you’d prefer to read them in the order that they were published, you can click here and simply open the installments in reverse, since Tumblr displays things oldest-to-newest.) All of the following were written for the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend fandom and feature Heather x Valencia as their central pairing.

1. Barrier  [1,385 words] - Following where we last saw them in 1.09, Josh and his friends continue their beach day now sans Rebecca’s presence. Consequently, Valencia’s critical eye falls on the only other woman in their company - Heather.

2. Unexpected [3,003 words] - The conclusion of 1.18 leaves Valencia with a lot of emotional baggage to unpack. As one of West Covina’s most frequented locales, Home Base is the first place that springs to mind where she might chase away her sorrows (or perhaps just air them out verbally while all other involved parties are away at Jayma’s wedding). Heather finds herself pulled into comfort and commiseration despite her efforts to avoid involvement.

3. Lost Control and Tumbled Overboard Gladly [3,265 words] - Heather goes to her parents’ home for the first holiday visit since moving out on her own. She has her new friend Valencia in tow. Sincere conversation and the rare allowance of vulnerability break down Heather’s walls with an ease that takes her by surprise.

4. Such Sweet Nothing [1,362 words] - Valencia and Heather return to V’s apartment after their Labor Day afternoon of story-swapping and quality time together. Valencia revels in the joyful acquirement of the second gal pal of her adult life. Heather contends with the dawning realization that her interest in Valencia may not be purely for friendship.

5. There’s A Reason Not to Want This (But I Forgot) [2,418 words] - Internet sleuthing with Rebecca pulls Valencia right back into a Josh fixation spiral. Heather must also face some unresolved feelings: namely, a crush now so intense it can no longer be denied.

6. Habits [3,599 words] - The desire to protect Valencia’s heart overrides the instinct to shield her own, and so Heather ends the self-imposed avoidance of her company. She arrives on V’s doorstep with a helpful cover story and some unfortunate news that needs to be broken gently.

7. I Want Not to Want Anything [1,314 words] - Heather Davis gets Santa Ana Winded.

8. Breathless [3,673 words] - A talk with Heather about Rebecca’s impending marriage to Josh leads Valencia to reassess what matters to her. A rosé-fueled jaunt to a local green space gives rise to the persistent inkling that what - or rather who - she really wants may be a lot closer to her than she’s ready to admit.

9. No One’s Really Got It Figured Out Just Yet [3,289 words] - Valencia throws the bachelorette party for Rebecca. Gurl Group antics and H+V flirting tactics set to hits from the mid ’90s and 2000s ensue. 

10. Evading [2,207 words] - In the wake of events from 3.05 and 3.06, Heather and Valencia have a much needed heart-to-heart. They put some important truths into words while treading lightly around a few unspoken facts so delicate they’re best left in the margins.

11. How Long Do You Plan to Keep Me at the Back of Your Mind? [2,442 words] - An evening welcoming Valencia’s girlfriend Beth to be an honorary member of the Gurl Group doesn’t go quite as smoothly as planned when Heather has a difficult time harnessing her lingering feelings.

12. You and Me, Always Between the Lines [1,828 words] - Now that she has spoken with all of her immediate family members and closest friends, Valencia is prepared to announce her first romantic relationship with a woman on social media. In Beth’s absence, she seeks the moral support of her best friend. Heather is readily by her side for this next big step in Valencia’s coming out journey.

13. Gradation [2,503 words] - Valencia’s time with Beth is at an end and, in her hour of heartbreak, she returns to the same place for comfort as the previous occasion when she found herself suddenly single: across the bar from Heather.

14. Rough Draft [2,625 words] - Valencia and Heather FINALLY get together. Valencia experiences her own “Oh My God, I Think I Like You” freak out.

15. Strategy [1,212 words] - Heather and Valencia have a stay-at-home date night featuring deliberately cringey pick up lines and tangled limbs on a couch in the dark.

16. Verity [3,834 words] - Heather temporarily resumes her role as Valencia’s assistant coordinator when they plan a vow renewal celebration for Paula and Scott. On this night, the recently remarried couple may not be the only two pouring out their hearts in a room full of loved ones...

17. Different and the Same [1,035 words] - Valencia and Heather just moved into their own place. They spend their first morning there together and make good use of the privacy and freedom this new residence affords.

18. Finishing Touches [1,157 words] - Heather and Valencia personalize the interior of their new living space. The situation soon devolves into paint-splattered hijinks.

19. Patterns in the Light [1,058 words] - Despite the fact that they are literally cohabitating and have professed their feelings for each other, Valencia remains a clumsily flirty nerd and I love her for it. Heather does, too.

20. Sage [1,324 words] - After being trapped in a car with someone she didn’t want to be trapped in a car with, Heather returns covered in a dead woman’s ashes. Valencia’s time as a ghost-beleaguered home energy cleanser has arrived at last. She is uniquely qualified to save the day.

21. Portage [1,707 words] - Heather has plans for a couple’s trip with Valencia. The only obstacle is keeping it a secret between the two of them.

22. The Courage and the Strength I Need [1,957 words] - Valencia struggles during Heather’s business trip because it is their first time apart since becoming a couple. They FaceTime to ease the pain of distance and talk about their future.

23. Wanna Be With You All Alone [1,237 words] - Heather comes back from the aforementioned work travel to find that Valencia has made special welcome home arrangements.

24. Midnight, Fright and Candlelight [1,426 words] - A quiet evening is interrupted by a power outage. Heather and Valencia find a surprisingly wholesome and G-rated way to pass the time. 

25. Next to You [1,550 words] - The big yearly Davis Family Reunion quickly approaches. Valencia prepares to accompany Heather to this event and be introduced to many members of her extended family.

26. Warm Whispers [1,683 words] - Heather and Valencia just want to be all cute and domestic and spend the morning fooling around. Their cats disrupt these pursuits in typical feline fashion.

27. “When We’re Together, Darling, Every Night Is Halloween.” [1,228 words] - Heather and Valencia get ready to attend a Gurl Group Halloween party. Their second annual couple’s costume? Gomez and Morticia Addams. 

28. #afewofmyfavoritethings [2,838 words] - Nathaniel, Rebecca, Valencia, Heather, Paula, Scott, and Tommy all rent a cabin for vacation. This piece follows them through a day of wintertime fun. Pure fluffiness here and I had the best time writing every second of it.

Favorite Fic: Probably #afewofmyfavoritethings. I packed it with elements I personally love and moments I was hoping my new friends in the fandom would like. Plus, it was honestly just so good for my soul to write these characters in a soft world where they could engage in classic snow day activities and enjoy each other’s company.

Hardest Fic: I knew there were a few installments of Femslash February where I wrote whole paragraphs or even pages I didn’t keep/decided to revise, but I was pretty sure I also remembered at least one where I wrote an entire separate piece. My sleep schedule was, shall we say, not advisable during February but it was also easily the most exhilarating month of my year. I tracked down the evidence of that rewrite and it turns out the incident I recalled was for Unusual Kiss (the prompt for Day 4 of FF). The original involved something to do with butterfly kisses because, evidently, my inclination to link Valencia to winged beings knows no bounds. I’ve got to admit that I’m still fond of the concept of Valencia giving Heather a subtle “kiss” during a hug in that painfully frightening time before Beth when she was afraid to outright kiss a woman in any way that couldn’t be dismissed as platonic. There’s a good chance an interaction of that nature could appear somewhere in the full story. I am notoriously drawn to that angst period of undisclosed pining so the temptation is quite strong. Still, I’m glad I used the version I actually posted and saved elements of the first draft for later. Fragments of their conversation from the original will probably make it into the final tale, but I think I prefer to sprinkle them across several exchanges instead of divulging them all at once.

Do You Plan to Take Prompts in 2020? Sort of yes and sort of no. I am participating in the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Valentine Exchange, which involves a prompt-esque note from the participant each of us were assigned as our guide to spark inspiration for the gift. It’s also possible that there’ll be some writing prompt list posted somewhere along the way just like Femslash February was last year, and I’ll end up wanting to join the fun. Other than that, though, I’ll mainly stick to the one writing project in an effort to hone my focus.

What was the best thing about 2019? I’d definitely say the bonding and interactions with other members of the fandom. The encouragement and support I received from them remains the primary motivation for me to keep writing and chasing after the ongoing goals I set for myself.

What was the worst thing about 2019? The most honest answer that my mind immediately supplied is death of a close relative. While that isn’t the sole reason for the dip in my creative output (especially since there were multiple months between my last published fic and the passing in question), I know it could certainly be counted among the contributing factors to an overarching writing problem I had. Even before my family’s loss, there was a shift in my thought process that only got worse once there was more on my plate in my personal life. There were many times I sat down wanting to write again but it felt too difficult and intimidating to commit words to the page. I couldn’t seem to transfer them from my mind to the keyboard and I’d invariably switch to doing something else. I developed this terrible internal conviction that insisted the larger fic I wanted to write wouldn’t work as well as the shorter installments. That gnawing insecurity would have me believe one month’s worth of well-received efforts was already such a marvel that anything beyond that point was somehow pushing my luck. Where did the mental voice originate and why couldn’t I shake it? It’s difficult to parse out but what I do know is that I’ve firmly decided 2020 is going to be a year I put it on silent. I know what it’ll mean to me for everything that’s been floating in my head to finally be told in one cohesive format, and to have the satisfaction of giving my favorite characters the ending my heart says they deserve. It’s a sense of closure that’s worth the pursuit.

Any last thoughts for 2019? The bad parts of the last twelve months made me want to essentially say “good riddance” to the year, but the good parts were far too treasured to wish all of 2019 away. I am so grateful for the new people I met and friendships that solidified during that time. I especially owe my most heartfelt appreciation to @catty-words, @notbang, and @monaiargancoconutsoy. Thank you for everything. <3

Goals for 2020

Finish. The. Fic.

I believe everyone I know who writes fanfic has already been tagged but, if you haven’t gotten the chance to look back over your writing year, by all means, use these questions to give it a go! :)

[kweebtrash]

When I Was In Love (M)

Sexual Liberation Ch 14-Everyone Focused

Pairings: Hui/Kino/Hongseok/E’Dawn x Reader/OC

Genre: College AU, Smut, Angst

Summary: College is about experimentation, being free, and having no strings attached fun. Hui, Kino, And E’Dawn have messed around with their best friend ever since last spring. Now that summer is over and they’re back in America, their sexual antics have intensified especially when everyone starts catching feels. Throw Hongseok into the mix and it creates a swirling mess of emotions and an ultimate decision that might hurt everyone.

Warning: a lot of angst, multiple POV’s

Features: there’s some small sexual details but not any full scenes.

Word Count: <10k

A/N: Hey guys and thanks for reading all the way to the end of S.L. Thank you for being patient with the extended delay between Ch 13 and this one. I’m still in the process of writing more Pentagon stories, it’s just taking me longer because lmao I have 50 million ideas and never am able to finish them. I appreciate all the feedback for the story and am still in the process of getting all the chapters updated. This one is written a bit differently and I hoped that it would give more insight on everyone’s relationship with the MC. One more little thing...don’t hate me ok? See you at the end of the chapter!

Teenage Heartbreak Queen-Kino

I sighed and ran a hand over my face as I surveyed my almost barren room. Spring semester was officially over and i had to stuff my entire life into a luggage and head back to Korea for the summer. My last few days in America had been spent cramming for finals and packing and I longed for more sleep. My body was starting to give out on me. I was hardly looking forward to the almost 17 hour flight back. I stepped out of my room, hauling out a bag of trash to the hallway. Beside me were the empty rooms of my hyungs, already long gone and living their lives back home. Their nonexistent presence made the dorm eerily quiet and left me too much in my head. There were thoughts bubbling up that I didn’t have enough energy to exert on right now but they still weighed on my shoulders. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Hui-hyung or Hyo-hyung if they had said goodbye to her.

We had been around her almost the entire semester like we were all attached to one another and clinging to some semblance of fun, pleasure, and the most nauseating and scary feeling of possibly love. Nights on end were spent with us occupying each others beds. I had given up my virginity to her in a whirlwind of anger and frustration. I would never forget the way she looked pressed against the mirrors of the dance practice room; her breath and heated body creating foggy imprints as I pushed into her from behind. I had been confident at first but as soon as she was naked in front of me I choked. Every nerve in my body seemed to have tensed and I almost chickened out. But the way she clutched at me, begged me to keep going, it spurred me further until we collapsed on the floor with a layer of stickiness between us.

We were fuck buddies; in fact she had made it abundantly clear that we were only fuck buddies. I wasn’t any more important than Hui- hyung or Hyojong-hyung. Our first night together was just an experience she could add onto her list while I was still forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that she slept with other people. I had given in to her persuasion of threesomes, especially when we had all found out that we had been fucking her, but lately a nagging voice in the back of my mind had been stirring up feelings of jealousy and minute possessiveness. I didn’t want to start thinking about the pathetic, romantic, and scary things that I had never experienced before. I repressed it more each time they threatened to rip through the surface. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t slowly falling in love with her and that as soon as I ran away to Korea everything would be fixed.

I, myself, didn’t want to say goodbye to her even though that was the right thing to do. It would possibly give me some closure instead of giving into my cowardice and also given the uncertainty of our future together. I was still working to see if I could continue studying abroad and if i succeeded there was no guarantee that I would have classes again with her, even though we were both dance majors. I was still afraid though, always afraid of everything with her. I tiptoed around that fine line of love and friendship too often to my liking. Just one look into her eyes now would send me to my knees in a fit of desperation and longing. I shook my head to try and clear the quarreling thoughts from my mind and instead go back to making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. I stretched my arms above my head and yawned before peeling off the miniature calendar I had above my desk. I threw the angry reminder of deadlines and stress into another trash bag, ready to toss it into the hallway next.

I was rechecking my desk drawers to see if I had emptied them out for sure when there was a rushed pounding at the front door. I was confused as to who the hell it would be. It was almost midnight and I would have to leave for my red eye flight around 4:30. I didn’t have time to deal with anyone. I grumbled and stalked over to the door, swinging it open and ready to yell at whoever was going to make me late.

My mouth snapped shut as soon as I saw her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. Her chest was heaving as she tried to regain her breath and she looked at me as if i was a beacon of hope in her world. She held me tight, burying her face in my chest and clutching at my shirt. I barely had time to formulate a response. My body reacted instinctively, wrapping my arms around her. I knew that I didn’t want to let her go. I could infer that perhaps she was crying over the hyungs leaving. Maybe they had talked with her and she still wasn’t okay with it or maybe it was something entirely different. I swallowed down my sigh, irritated that my plan to avoid her had gone awry. I had to face my demons now which was a battle I hadn’t prepared for.

“Th-they left.” She said through soft hiccups. “They didn’t even say goodbye. Why would they do that? I thought-” Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to steady her voice. “I thought we were friends. They should’ve at least told me when they were leaving!”

So they hadn’t told her at all.

She wiped the tears from her eyes with her sweater sleeve and continued. “I just...we spent all this time together. I thought it was the least that they could do.” She looked up at me finally and I knew what she was going to ask before it even left her lips. My hold spread to her shoulders, clutching tightly to brace myself for my impending lie. “Were you even going to tell me when you left?”

“Of course,” It came out much smoother than I had anticipated. “But there was just so much going on with finals and packing up that I almost didn’t have time. I leave in a few hours. My flight’s at 6 but I have to leave around 4:30 or so.”

“Oh great. Just great.” She fiddled with a stray thread on her sleeve, averting her gaze. “Nevermind then. I’ll leave you to your packing.”

I pushed my hair back and exhaled. “It’s not like that ok? Sometimes saying goodbye is harder than we think. Sometimes it just feels easier to not do it at all. We care about you...maybe a little too much.” I mumbled at the end.

“It certainly doesn’t feel that way.”

“Well, it’s the truth. I’m sorry that they didn’t let you know, hell I didn’t even know when they were leaving until they walked out the door.” I wanted to invite her inside. It felt just wrong to leave her out here to wallow and stay caught up in emotions that were obviously paining her. I nodded towards the inside of the dorm, bringing her in and shutting the door softly behind us.

“Kino...i really am gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss all of you. Well I already do but you know what I mean.”

“You mean you’re gonna miss our dicks.” I nudged her, trying to lighten the mood just a bit. She cracked a little smile finally and hit my stomach playfully.

“Not just that, jerk! We had a lot of good times together. I mean I’m even missing Wooseok and Shinwon, Yuto, Yanan, Yeo Onnie, Jinho-everyone! I know i’m heading back home soon too but home doesn’t feel like home without my friends. Sorry,” she sniffed. “I’m being lame.”

I shook my head. “No, you’re not. You’re seriously not. I…” My heart felt heavy again. “I’m gonna miss you too.” That confession, that tiny little confession, was when i felt myself cross that threshold. She was no longer just my friend. She was someone I wanted, someone I thought about, someone I sang about, someone I danced with, someone I felt in the very core of my soul. She was the person I was in love with.

Her smile ignited happiness inside me like a phoenix flame that rose from the ashes of weeks of lying to myself. She wrapped her arms around me again and I kept her closer this time. I settled my arms at her lower back practically crushing her to me. And when we separated just a bit, our eyes locked. Our soft chuckles of uncertainty filled the space between us until our lips closed the distance, meeting in a rush so intense I almost felt lightheaded. Her hands trailed to my shoulders, my hair, my face, seeming like she wanted to engrave the way i felt into her skin. Step by step we moved back towards my room. I had to catch her when she tripped over my suitcase and she laughed. It was like music to my ears that could inspire me to write a book of lyrics. I kicked the suitcase out of the way and we continued our journey to my bed. Our clothes eventually got tossed aside in between kisses and sweet caresses. My body always reacted to her touch at a moments notice. Every moan she made when i laid nibbles to her neck and shoulders and the way her breath stayed in her lungs as my fingers dove between her thighs had my blood boiling.

I loved the way she felt. Her slick lips always made me hungry and though I hated going down on anyone I would do it for her. She coated my tastebuds with each trail i made with my tongue. My finger dug into her plush thighs, feeling the muscles ripple when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. When i sucked her into my mouth she created a sweet symphony that made me dig my hips into the mattress just to try and relieve some of the pressure. Her hands were back to my hair again, clawing into my scalp and wrenching locks around her fingers. That pressure sent a shiver down my spine and i dove deeper, trying to dig out the orgasm that she deserved.

She said my name as if it was her new favorite curse word, over and over again until she could barely breathe. I pulled away from her then, licking my lips and wiping her trace from my chin and nose. I kissed up her stomach, towards her breasts and neck until our lips met again and i could share her between us. “Please Kino…” She set her forehead against mine, holding me between her palms. “Please don’t leave me…”

My heart shattered. She knew that i had to. I knew that i had to. I couldn’t stay here in the summer. I had nowhere to live, no money to support myself, and permission that only lasted nine months. The truth was more painful than the goodbye at this point and the only thing that could bring us comfort was more lies. I swallowed hard and finally looked at her. Just as i sank into her depths and pulled her close I told her what I wished was the god awful truth. “I’ll never leave you.”

Moonlight-Hongseok

“That was literally the best Marvel movie! Hands down!” She said as we exited the theater.

“No way? The best? Are you sure it’s better than Hulk and your pretty boy Thor?” I laughed. We had just finished seeing Venom in our town’s local theater, weeks after it’s initial release and taking full advantage of student discount day. With the end of the semester creeping closer and piecing together everything that happened between us at Halloween, it was really nice to do something together as friends. I had to admit that I still thought about that night. I tortured myself with wondering if she thought about it too. I couldn’t believe the way I had acted then. It wasn’t like me at all and I felt ashamed more than anything. If I hadn’t drank that night I wouldn’t even have had a ounce of the courage I did to ask her to help me lose my virginity. In fact, I would’ve been a bumbling mess and messed everything up. A small part of me had worried that we would never be the same after that, that our relationship was over and could never be repaired. But when she asked me to go with her to this movie it was like a light washed over my heart and I could breathe a little easier.

I had no idea what to really call our “relationship” to be quite honest. I stuck with the term ‘friends’ but i had come to realize all too quickly that I wanted that term to morph into something better. I felt like a preteen with a crush. Every time she was near me my heart would race, my palms would get sweaty, and i overthought everything so bad that I ended up stuttering more than i meant to. I wasn’t sure if she even noticed but I did and it only made me more anxious. Even tonight, my face felt red hot with embarrassment. During the movie, she got closer to me and i wished the armrest between our chairs hadn’t existed. Then, as cliche as it sounded, our hands touched when we both dug into the popcorn bucket at the same time. She made a joke out of it, hitting the back of my hand playfully and shooing me away from her hoard. It made me smile more than anything, my whole body tingling with giddiness. God, she was so beautiful and I felt like I still wasn’t even on her radar.

We walked to her car, occasionally bumping into each other. “Yes, i like it even better than Thor, okay? Though Ragnarok was extremely good too. Venom was my favorite in Spiderman 3 even though no one likes to talk about that movie. I think he more than made up for Tobey Mcguire’s awkward dancing and emo hair.”

I laughed and shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat. “Well, you may be onto something even if I don’t agree entirely.”

“Yeah, yeah. Ironman, blah blah blah.”

“Hey!” I nudged her with my shoulder, making her stumble. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

She giggled and ran ahead of me. “Ironman couldn’t even save Spidey from the Infinity Stones.”

I gasped loudly. “You take that back! That was a very emotional time for me and you know it!”

She unlocked her car and opened the door, sliding in while I was still prepared to make an argument. I shuffled quickly to catch up and get in beside her. “You know, it’s still pretty early.”

“Yeah it is. I can start my presentation about how what you just said was completely wrong and uncalled for!” I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted.

“Seokkie, you know I’m just joking.” The nickname, no matter how simple, made my stomach explode into a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I pretended to pout some more which made her laugh and tug at my coat, desperate to get on my good side again. She began poking my sides, making me squirm and swat at her annoying antics. I loved the way we could joke around. It felt like I was at home, a place of safety and protectiveness that barricaded me from the worse feelings I had. I could be myself around her, wholeheartedly. I didn’t have to keep up the facade my parents wanted me to create. I didn’t even have to think about grading papers and essays or trying to deal with my professor breathing down my neck. When i was with her I was just a normal 20-something year old college student enjoying life and taking it easy. It was the best feeling in the world to forget about the worries that constantly bombarded my mind. The freedom to talk about what made me happy with the person that made me happy was something that I held onto so dearly.

In between me struggling to keep her prodding at bay she turned to tickling me, a torture I hated more than anything. I grabbed her hands and squeezed them tight, turning towards her and accidentally knocking our heads together. We reeled back, rubbing the sore spots on our foreheads as the result of my stupidity. “Crap, sorry!” I said.

She winced and rubbed at the pain faster. “Way to give me a concussion with that hard ass head of yours!”

“Well, if you hadn’t been tickling me we wouldn’t have this problem, huh?!” I looked up at her, noticing how we were now face to face with the center console barely putting a barrier between us. Her eyes held my gaze for a moment before jumping up to my forehead. Suddenly, she leaned in close, pressing her lips to the tender area. It only lasted micro seconds but I clung to the way her perfume wafted into my senses and the gentleness she exhibited. I opened my mouth trying to fathom any response but nothing came out. I was stunned, retreating to my feelings of a preteen boy in love.

In love...A tiny word that held so much weight to it. Could i really be in love with someone I just met not even two months ago? I had no idea what love was like but I knew what I felt was something entirely different than anything I had ever experienced. Surely, if people could believe that there was love at first sight then there was no harm in feeling the most vulnerable of connections with someone after two months. My heart thundered in my chest every time that word came up and I could feel my entire body quaking with fear of the unknown. What’s to say would happen in this car with her by my side? What did i even want to happen in this very moment? Did i want her to profess her love to me or did I want to face the possible reality of her tossing my heart into a forgotten oblivion? “What are you thinking about?” The question came out as a breath against my lips and she seemed to have gotten closer to me. Her elbow rested on the console while her fingers eased over mine.

I wanted to scream that I was thinking about her, always thinking about her, in the best ways, the worst ways, the most lustful and sinful of ways. I cleared my throat as if to remind myself to put the latter thought in a trapped box where it belonged. Instead, i came up with a generic answer that still didn’t seem to satisfy her. “Just the movie…”

“Liar.” She caught on instantly. “Something’s on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh…” I had no idea how to respond without possibly hinting at my true feelings.

“We could go back to the plateau. Remember?”

“Yeah, i remember getting drunk off my ass and making a fool out of myself.”

“Well, there’s no alcohol this time so no harm, no foul right?” She set her keys in the ignition, bringing the car to life. “C’mon, if you still don’t want to talk we don’t have to but i just…” Her voice seemed to grow a bit quieter. “I don’t want this night to end just yet.”

I swallowed hard and nodded, my mind taking off into a deep swirling galaxy of thoughts. Even though I had gotten drunk that night, i gained all the courage in the world to kiss her. Alcohol seemed to be my vibranium- this sword and shield that provided me with everything I need to lead me into conquest. Yet it was also my kryptonite because I felt like without it I was weak and susceptible to making whatever it was between me and her worse. The car ride had settled into a quietness with only the soft sounds of the radio in the background. I looked out the window, watching the sidewalks of our college town filled with people bar hopping as we drove through downtown. The further away we got from the hustle and bustle the better it felt to be with her. It was like we were in our own little world when we got to the top of the plateau. The lights of the city were brighter than the last time we were here but we could still see some of the stars in the night sky. She set the car in park and cut the engine before stepping out. “C’mon, lay on the hood with me!”

I smiled and followed her lead, settling myself on the hood. I set my back against the windshield, putting my hands behind my head. She sat beside me, not letting any space between us. “It’s chilly out. This was probably a bad idea.” She chuckled.

“Yeahhh, probably. The wind is definitely brisk.” I shivered a little and felt her scuttle closer until her head rested on my chest. I stiffened completely beneath her, afraid that she could hear the way my heart was banging against my ribcage. Her arm wrapped around my waist and she left out a soft content sigh. While this seemed to be perfectly normal for her I was aching with thoughts of what it all meant. I drifted my eyes down to her watching the way she was enamored by the stars. The question I longed to ask burned on my tongue and i dared myself to ask it. “Hey...um...I wanted to ask you something…”

She turned her heads towards me and all I could do was stare at her lips. It was like she was hell bent on sucking the ability to talk out of me. “Hmm?”

“C-can I kiss you?” WHAT?! Hongseok, what in the actual hell? You were supposed to ask her about the Halloween party and what it all meant for you as friends, NOT to ask her to kiss you. I winced and closed my eyes wishing that I could disappear from this entire plane of existence. Her expression had switched as soon as the words left my mouth and now she she seemed like she was at a lost for words too. I tried my best to deflect the question. “I mean uh...that’s not what I wanted to ask. What I wanted to say was-”

I felt her sweet caress of her lips then, unexpected and powerful enough to shatter my frazzled thoughts. Her lips were utterly amazing. They brought up residual memories of how they felt the first time we kissed. I cherished every moment they shared with mine even if it only lasted a few seconds. She pulled away all too quickly, her eyes wide with fear. “I-I...i’m sorry.” She whispered.

I sat up quickly, fumbling over my own apology. “Nonono! I-I swear I didn’t mean to ask that! It just- my brain just slipped and-”

“It was on your mind though…”

I swallowed at that nugget of truth. “Y-yes. I’m so sorry.”

She set her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. Her voice was so soft that I could barely hear it. “It’s ok. I was thinking about it too.”

Want It With You-E’dawn

Trust. You would think it was such a simple word but it bared more meaning for me than anything else in life. I didn't trust just anyone though I seemed to be surrounded by people I loved and adored. It took years to get to that point with them. There were hoops and barrels that they had to jump through to prove themselves worthy. It wasn't some grand scheme of knighthood- rather simple things that showed they would always be there for me.

Which was why I was so stuck and dumbfounded by my feelings for her. We hadn't known each other for long. Definitely not long enough for me to trust her but i did with every fiber of my being. I didn't know if it had been from the first night we met or right here at this very moment but at some point my heart caved in. Her smile chipped at the bricks of my wall of trust, her body tore chunks out of the barrier, and our connection musically made the wall give way. Behind that trust was love, an even more guarded feeling that rarely anyone got to experience. But the buds of soft touches, gentle kisses, and late night talks bloomed into the purest emotion I ever had.

The problem was that there was already two other people that had my heart. My girlfriend, Hyuna, who remained a secret to everyone I knew, and my best friend Hui who I felt like i could possibly never confess to. I didn't know how to exactly explain it but each of them provided me with something i needed and wanted. Hyuna gave me the care I never experienced from anyone- the tender love, affection, and understanding of my weirdness that she could keep up with. Hui on the other hand gave me a new type of love. Something that was exciting and refreshing yet filled with curiosity and the thrill of danger. And she, she gave me freedom. Freedom to explore, to live, to experience things i had never done before and open my eyes to wonders unseen.

My brain and heart were at war with one another. My brain told myself that it was impossible to be with three people no matter how desperately i wanted it to work. My heart, of course, screamed that I could do anything. No one could judge us or tell us otherwise. I wished that were true, i really did. There were nights when I couldn't sleep that i lay awake and thought about what my life had turned into. Being in the states changed my perception on love and relationships in general but going back home none of those things would be accepted. I didn't want to hide forever- i already had to do that with Hyuna. Her career was on the line and I would never compromise that for her. With out her here though it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay monogamous, which is how that night after the party happened.

I told Hyuna right away that i slept with someone else. I was a crying mess. I thought she'd never forgive me and i would truly be alone. I confessed how much i missed her and that i just wanted to feel something- a touch, a kiss, anything. It was hard. One of the very hardest things I'd ever had to do and when she forgave me and told me it was alright I knew i had chosen the right one. We laughed about it after and she told me never to worry. She knew my heart was with her because she could feel it even with all the miles that separated us. She let me sleep with whoever I wanted as long as I came back to her, which i would always do.

But when i met my new object of affection at the top of spring semester it was like my world got flipped upside down. How could I tell Hyuna that I was in love with someone else, let alone confess to the person that I had been with almost the entire time this semester? Love and trust weren't the only things weighing on my mind. Part of that trust was asking for further exploration of my sexuality. I was all wrapped up in my feelings and this just added another layer.

Lately, i had been curious about kinky things. It wasn't just the beginner things either. It was the darker things, the dirtier things, the things that made your skin crawl with lust filled excitement. I wanted to share that with her but bringing it up had my heart racing.

I laid next to her, my feet towards the end of the bed while hers were towards the headboard. Our heads met in the middle and we stared at the ceiling relaxing in our sexual afterglow. I puffed silently at my e-cig, closing my eyes and pondered over how to even begin to ask what was weighing on my mind. She yawned beside me and i nudged my temple gently against hers.

“You whimping out on me already?” I teased.

“Um, excuse me. You wore me out! You try being on your hands and knees for an hour then practically bent in half. It takes a lot out of you.”

I chuckled. “Yeah well, it was good wasn’t it?”

She nodded and softly hummed a response, turning her head into my neck. We stood quiet for a moment while i continued to mull over how I should ask her. From what she told me about her experiences with Kino and Hui-hyung there was nothing that even came close to what I currently wanted. We were both inexperienced but I was sure that we could learn and be patient with one another. She could reject the idea all together, which would sting a bit but I would accept it. I couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to. I hoped she would at least try and not run away completely.

“Hey,” I began, clearing my throat a little. She turned towards me with such an adorable sleepy look. It made me smile as I pushed her sweaty hair away from her forehead. “I want to ask you something but...don’t freak out okay?”

Her eyes went wide and fear washed over her face. She swallowed hard. “O-oh...what is it?”

“So...ok. Um…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if this is going to sound stupid but have you ever heard of...bdsm? Like the kinky stuff?”

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows now faced with curiosity. “You mean like getting tied up?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s more to it but that’s like a good place to start.”

“Why are you bringing it up all of a sudden?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for awhile.” I sighed, returning my gaze back to the ceiling as I felt warmth creep into my cheeks and ears. “Kinda researching a bit. Since we’re- I mean we’re not together, together- but we hook up a lot and stuff. And we’re friends so I thought maybe I could ask and…” I was stumbling over my words, regressing into a bumbling idiot. I wish i could convey what was on my mind as clearly as I wanted to. I took a deep breath, trying to recollect myself and start over. “Basically, I trust you. I trust you a lot and I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do this with me. It was important that I tried it with you. When we...fuck it’s on a whole other level. I feel kind of like...at peace. Like I don’t have to worry about anything or feed into my insecurities.”

“O-oh…” she said quietly. I wasn't sure what to make of that and it made my entire body tense. “I trust you too Hyojong. You've never done anything to betray my trust. But this is so sudden.”

“I know, i'm sorry. I just didn't know how else to bring it up or what would be a good time to even bring it up. Like how do you start a conversation about wanting to try bdsm? Like hey, babe, wanna tie me up and choke me?”

She laughed, part nervous and part humorous. “I guess you're right. It's not something to schedule a talk around. But why do you feel insecure?” She sat up a bit, just scooting close enough to lay her head on my stomach and set her hand over my heart. I laid my fingers over hers and moved my other hand to rest behind my head.

“I...i don’t know. I mean who ever really knows why they’re insecure they just know they have insecurities.”

“You know what I mean but what things are you specifically insecure about?”

“A lot of things. The way I look, the way I have sex, the way I talk. It all makes me nervous but you’ve never really judged me…”

“Of course not! I would never. There’s no reason for me too.” She said as she turned her hand over to give mine a squeeze. “You’ve been there for me since day one and I like everything about you. You’re so weird, cute, funny, and caring. Your random screeches and crazy running makes me laugh all the time. I just feel...” She shrugged and smiled at me. I wondered if she could tell how fast my heart was beating now. When I was the source of her smile it made my entire body turn to jello. It made me feel like a goopey mess of feelings that i loved. Love was one of my favorite things in the world. The rush of being with someone so perfect for you and holding them in your arms as much as you could was the source of my happiness. Being so far away from my girlfriend always put me in a funk. But having this new found love in the states filled that void and blossomed into something I looked forward to every time we met. The more time we spent together, the more I wanted to be with her. My heart was getting restless but asking her out was something that made me panic even more than asking her to tie me up. “I feel good when i'm around you. You're a great friend.”

Friend. I screamed internally. Yes, just friends. It stung, that was easy to admit but as of right now I couldn't do anything to change that. I squeezed her hand again and swallowed the lump in my throat trying my best not to crumble into a puddle of pathetic tears. I sought to turn the subject back to where it started. “So, would you want to try it out with me? The kink stuff I mean…”

“Wellllll…..it doesn't seem so bad. It could be a lot of fun. I'm a little scared though. What if we're totally bad at it?”

“We can practice. Isn't that part of the fun?” I gave her a little wink to add to my flirtatious tone.

“You want to wear me out, don't you, Dawnie.” She giggled. “I guess we can start practicing. But i guess we might need some equipment first.” She sat up then, crossing her legs and letting her fingers drum against her chin. “I'm sure there are tons of websites to buy some.”

“My cart on some is already filled.” I admitted.

“Oh my god, you sneaky little slut. I shouldn't have expected any less from you.” She kissed me quickly. “Start ordering then. Then i can tie you up like a little present.”

“Tie me up? Aren't I supposed to tie you up?!” I asked.

“Who says? Just because you're the boy? Why don't we both try it. Maybe we'll both like it.”

She did have a point. We didn't have to conform to any standards. That wasn't really my gig anyway. Besides, thinking about her being in control gave me a little tingle of excitement. We were truly doing this and I couldn't be more happy. Even though she thought of me as a friend I hoped eventually she could see how much I wanted her, how much love I could give her. All i could do now was be patient but have a hell of a good time along the way.

All To You- Hui

“Ok, so what do you want to do for our project?” I asked her as we sat in our private piano room that was basically our sanctuary. After almost every class together we would come here, enjoying the peace and tranquility. The hecticness of our schedules were forgotten and we spent hours getting lost in the music. Time didn't exist when I was with her. My only focus was on her which was a-okay with my heart. We had a project due in a couple of weeks that needed to showcase both our talents. I wanted to do something on the piano, more so a ballad which was my speed and wasn’t too sure how to incorporate her rapping skills. Rapping could go with a ballad but the rhythm and flow would have to be just right. I was nervous as this was the first time we would ever be making music together. The way music was instilled in me sometimes made me overanalyze and become a perfectionist. I didn’t want to really take control of this...but also I did. I just had to figure out how to do it in the nicest way possible. I was picturing every scenario possible, even wondering what she would say in response even before she uttered a word in real time.

“Well, I know rapping isn’t your thing and I’m not the best at music production since I’m still learning so i hope that maybe you could take responsibility over that? Like how we could mix the song? Maybe incorporate the piano since it’s kind of our thing?” She smiled.

I almost sighed in relief. I was so happy we were on the same page. “Yes!” I said, almost too excitedly. “Sorry, I really wanted to make something like this with you.” I started pressing a few chords onto the keys, humming along to the melody in my head. “Do you have any idea what song you might want to do?”

“I was trying to think of some good duets we could do. I really wanted something modern and kind of soft.”

“There aren’t many duets with singing and rapping that I can think of.”

“Actually,” she said with a bit of a nervous tone in her voice. “Teach has been getting on me about actually singing in class since ya know, since it is about vocals. I know she said she doesn't grade on talent but she wants me to at least try and sing... in front of everyone.”

“Sing?” I tried to hide the shock in my voice and failed miserably. “I’ve heard you before and you know how I feel about your voice but I also know that it’s hard for you to do this.” She nodded and stared down at her lap, looking so ashamed. I set my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close so my temples touched hers. “You know I’ll be there beside you every step of the way, right?”

“I know…” Her voice was breaking. “I’m just so nervous that I’m gonna make a fool of myself. I feel like everyone’s gonna judge me. I don’t get stage fright when I rap but when I sing it’s like my throat just closes up and my heart shrivels into a dried husk and like...i just can’t breathe. My anxiety takes over and-and-” A small tear trailed down her cheek and i squeezed her to my chest. I couldn’t bare to see her like this. There wasn’t a way to magically cure her anxiety or relieve her from her stage fright though I desperately wished I could. I curled my fingers around hers holding onto her hand tightly.

“You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t want you to end up like me. All I do is drive myself crazy with being a perfectionist. We’re going to work through this together. I promise I won’t let you fail.”

“I know, Hui. I know. I just have to believe in myself but that’s easier said than done. It’s always something I battled with. I’m glad you’ll be there with me.”

I smiled and tilted her head up gently. “Of course, angel.” I pressed my lips to hers, taking in their warmth and tenderness that always made my body react instantly. I poured every ounce of passion into our tongues colliding and bringing her small unsteady breaths to the surface. My hand fell to her waist, clutching it tightly and never wanting to let her go. I needed her to know how much this meant to me, how much she meant to me. She deserved it so much. Her hands anchored themselves in my hair and kept me as close as possible. Eventually, my chest tightened and my lungs ached for a break. It was almost funny how lost we could get in each other like this. I pulled away, chuckling as i finally took in a breath. “Sorry, i got carried away.”

“I like when you get carried away.” She smiled, flirtatiously. “Isn't that how we ended up fucking on the piano during our first lesson?”

“Ah,” I remembered that day all too well. The first moment her lips hit mine after I heard her sing. Nothing could ever compare to how my heart fluttered and my stomach tied in knots just hearing her sweet tone. Since that day I had silently begged that I would hear her voice again, instead of her keeping it trapped. “It was definitely better than learning chord progressions and tonality practice that's for sure.”

She giggled and dabbed away at the few remaining tears at the corner of her eyes. “You always know how to make me smile, Hwitaek.”

My name was always my favorite melody to hear on her tongue. The airiness to her voice made it sound so dreamlike and ethereal. I could feel my cheeks heating up just at those few syllables. “I'm glad I can but uh...you should stop distracting me so we can get to work!” I poked her side playfully and she swatted at my hand.

“Ok, ok! I'm sorry! Let me see what I have on my spotify playlist and maybe we can get some inspiration for our duet, yeah?”

I nodded at her suggestion and let her go to work while i fumbled on the piano, working through key changes and scales in hopes of jogging my brain. I had no idea why it seemed so difficult. It should have been a piece of cake figuring something for us to do, especially because even if it was just a school project it would be personal. Maybe that's why I was getting stuck in a rut. Too much pressure on myself to possibly slip a blinded confession to her through lyrics. There didn't seem to be any other way to tell her. I wasn't even sure if I should. There hadn't been any confirmation in the slightest that she felt anything towards me. After all, I had Hyojong and Hyunggu at my back, constantly tipping the scales in their favor. They were my very best friends and I should never be jealous of them but I was. Even after the fun we had with the foursome I realized that there was still an empty part of me that wasn't getting filled. It hurt to think that perhaps it would never be filled.

Continuing to hook up with her might be the biggest mistake of my life so far. I could sense that things might get worse. I wasn't exactly known to love subtly. I was a big hopeless romantic, comically extravagant, and a walking cliche of greeting card cheesiness. I couldn't help it. It went with my goofy personality and inability to like being so serious all the time. It was my little break away from throwing my entire soul into my music. I sighed and set my elbow on the edge of the piano, resting my chin in the palm of my hand while my fingers danced over the same three keys. Little slices of my favorite lyrics pieced together in my head as I imagined the picket white fence dreams I could have with her. I could stay here in America and live an entirely new life with her, an extra dose of happiness in my fantasy. I closed my eyes then, drifting off into that better place that was protected from thoughts of self doubt, hurt, and feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough for her. I rarely tried to give into those thoughts but there was always a devilish voice on my back whispering filthy lies about how I could never capture her attention and love like the other's could. I squeezed my eyes tighter as the voice started to ring a little louder and I was just beginning to get into a war with myself.

“I think I got it!”

I snapped back so suddenly that my body jolted upright. “Huh? What?”

“The song, i think i found the perfect song for us. I think I can manage hitting all the notes in this without messing it up too much and the male part is right up your alley.”

I raised a brow at her, curious at her selection. “Ok, lay it on me.”

“Do you like Lana Del Rey?”

My cheeks heated up with embarrassment. I did, but mostly when I was drunk off my ass and known to cry on the floor, belting out all her greatest hits. I laughed nervously at my shameful alcohol induced memories. “Y-yeah, she's great. I like her.”

“Want to do ‘Lust for Life’? You have a good voice for it.”

“Ah….actually that doesn't seem so bad. It wouldn't be so hard to work into a piano piece either. I think we could do it.” I smiled brightly at her, grateful to her ability to think more clearly than I could. She clapped her hands excitedly before looking over the lyrics on her voice. I edged myself closer so we could both look at the small screen. She was humming at first, mumbling a few words here and there until the notes rang in during the first verse. I set my hand on the small of her back, working my thumb in small swipes, to give her a comforting touch and encourage her more. She laughed a bit as she got to the pre-chorus, her eyes trailing up to meet mine.

“And I was like, take off, take off...take off all your clothes, take off, take off...take off all of your clothes…” she sang. She moved her fingers to pluck at the top button of my shirt, opening it.

I set my hand over the sliver of newly exposed skin and gasped. “So scandalous, Lana!”

She giggled. “Oh, and you don't want to fuck under the Hollywood sign while I wait for my sugar daddy to call me?”

“We'll I don't think we can fuck under the Hollywood sign but does under a piano work for you?”

“Oh yes, a whole two feet of space! You'd knock your head on it so fast!”

“Hey, i tried, ok? Besides, i can find a way to position you.”

“Lee Hwitaek! You perv!”

“You started it but I can definitely finish it.” I tackled her gently to the floor, making her cry out and laugh with me. We were always goofing off like a pair of idiots which were my absolute favorite times. I pulled her against me tight and kissed all over her neck and cheek. “You drive me crazy you know that?”

She pawed at my face. “Ah! Hey! Yeah, you definitely drive me crazy too.” She turned her head to catch one of my kisses on her lips. “It's a good kind of crazy though. She gave me another quick kiss then looked down at my watch. “Shit, i have to get going for dance practice with Kino. He's gonna kill me if I'm late.”

My happiness was cut a bit short and I held onto her tighter. “Just stay with me instead.” I whispered.

“Aww, Hui. You know I'd love to but we have a dance project and-”

“We have a project that we need to work on too. He can deal with it.”

“Noooo, i can't! I'll never hear the end of it. You know how Kino is.” She pushed me away and sat up. “We can meet up again this weekend or something. I think I’ll have some time on Saturday.” She stood up and gathered her things. “I promise I’ll give you all the time in the world ok?! See ya!”

I watched her leave our practice room, destroying the bubble of our safe haven to go hang out with my friend. I sighed as another pang of jealousy hit directly to the heart. I pulled my knees up and set my arms on them, wondering what to even make of myself. Just tell her Hui, I thought. Just tell her that you love her.

I’m a Ruin

I held my pillow close to my chest as tears flowed hot and heavy down my face. Everything that had happened with Hongseok replayed in my head as guilt riddled my stomach. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t rope him into any of this and I did just that. On top of it I revealed that I had slept with all of his friends and while there was a small sliver of me that was glad that it was all out in the open, every other part of me was screaming that it was all a mistake. I never wanted him to find out, if anything he could have been my escape from it all. Hongseok was a clean slate, after all. There wasn’t any drama attached to him and we had so much fun whenever we hung out. But he also didn’t have the history that I had with Kino, Hui, or Hyo.

Those three were a whole other battle in of itself. Kino and I’s relationship was basically shattered and nonexistent. I knew Hui was ready to take the next step but with everyone else on my mind I had no idea if I would be able to give him my all without hurting him in the process. Hyojong was one of my closest friends. We knew so much about one another and though I wasn’t really too sure about opening my heart to multiple people (which let’s face it, at this damn point I might as well to save myself a headache), but Hyuna was so welcoming. Together they were like the perfect ray of warmth and sunshine that it almost felt as if I had nowhere to fit in. My head was swimming so much with thought after thought that i almost felt dizzy. I needed to somehow get some sleep and maybe try and set them aside for at least one night. They were just consuming me to the point where it was suffocating. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to survive college and graduate and be a star where I could share my talents with the world and live free. I know I had dug this hole for myself but running away seemed like the best thing to do right now.

I was ready to recline into my bed and give up entirely when I heard harsh raps on my door. I jumped up quickly wondering who the hell that could be. It was already late and my roommate wasn’t home. I sighed and thought that maybe she may have forgotten her keycard. It was unlikely but stranger things have happened. I wiped my face as much as I could, trying to gather myself  before I opened the door. I sniffed deeply and pulled the door open, wincing as the bright light of the hallway poured into my dark room. My heart fell into my stomach as I saw the disheveled, pajama’d and panting messes that were before me.

“W-what...what’s going on?” I stammered while i was internally begging for this to not happen at this moment.

“We need to talk.” Kino stated flatly, he was the first to push past me and go into my room. Hyojong flicked on the light in my room and squeezed past me as well. I sighed, absolutely defeated and let the others in before making my way over to sit on my bed once more. They circled me then, like lovesick vultures corning me into a decision I was no where near ready to make. I knew what they were going to say before any words were even uttered.

“We just...we we’re talking...” Hui started.

“I needed to know about everything that happened. It was even worse then the minimal lies you told me.” Hongseok spat. 

“Don’t you even dare, Hongseok. I never lied to you. I didn’t want you to know about everything because you had no business knowing about it all.” I interjected.

“I had no business knowing about what you were doing with my friends?”

“No, you didn’t. You know why? Because what I do with anyone is no ones business, even if you are friends. I gave myself to each and every one of you and I’ve said it over and over, my intent was never to break up your brotherhood or turn you on one another. I fucked up and I know that. But if I wanted to fuck Kino i did. If i wanted to fuck Hui i did. If I wanted to fuck Hyojong I did. Hell, if I wanted to fuck them all at once I did that too! I’m not going to be guilted into having urges just like you all. I love you guys, most importantly as friends. Every last one of you. It’s who I’m in love with that hurts the most.”

“Who are you in love with then?” Hyojong asked.

“Everyone.”

“You can’t be in love with everyone. That isn’t possible nor is it fair!” Kino snapped.

“It is possible. It’s always possible to love more than one person but...how we’re all thinking-even me- is that we want her to ourselves. We don’t want to share. We want to have that one on one connection.” Hyojong continued. “It just seems further and further from reality than we expected.”

“You need to chose someone. Please, love, just for the sake of my sanity.” Hui pleaded.

“Your sanity? What about my sanity?! Don’t you think I’ve been driving myself fucking insane thinking about who I would want to be with? I’ve been trying to piece together what I even want for weeks, months, semesters! I don’t know how to even begin to choose!”

“Well you better fuckin’ decide. We’re tired of being dragged along by you.” Kino said.

I whipped around to face him. “Don’t you dare fuckin’ talk to me. Why would I even pick you!? You hurt my feelings. You betrayed my trust! You slept with my best friend and just when I thought that we were on the mends you threw me out in the cold again.”

“I love you! More than anything! I’ve always loved you! I’ve just been...I’ve been too fucking afraid to admit, ok?”

“Yeah?” I swallowed hard, trying to shove my tears down my throat instead of having them burst forth once again. I was so tired of crying. “Well, it’s a little bit too late for that isn’t it Kino?”

“Look, I can’t speak for anyone’s actions but my own but...we do...we want some kind of closure. I know this is hard given your relationships with us- even with Kino. Someone is bound to get hurt by this, even I’ve prepared myself for that, but anything is better than no answer at all.” Hui set his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me gently. His face held nothing but sorrow and his brown eyes were dripping in sadness. If my heart wasn’t already shattered it definitely was now. Completely minuscule pieces that didn’t even resemble a heart anymore.

I pulled away from him as I could feel my body trembling. Their eyes were on me once more and fear made my blood run cold. They weren’t going to stop until they got a response. I looked at Kino, seeing the regret on his face and want to repair the broken relationship between us- something I never thought I would’ve ever witnessed. A simple apology weeks ago would’ve solved all this between us and yet I never felt more distant from him than at this very moment, even though there was a thin thread tethering me to him still. Hyojong stayed ever the patient one though he had underlying panic in his stiff frame. He couldn’t fully look at me but I could tell his mind was racing a mile a minute. I wish I could let him know fully that he still had a hold on me, Hyuna aside, I wanted him and his unconditional love. Hui was the one with the most hurt on his face, as if was about to cry just as much as I was. I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t bear it. He meant so much to me-the absolute world to me. Then there was Hongseok, who’s eyes, even if he was mad at me at this very moment, reflected every happy moment I had with him. The way I felt in his arms never ceased to amaze me. His warmth, his gentle kiss, and sweet demeanor was everything I had ever wanted in someone. I wanted to waste hours and days laughing with him, playing video games, binge watching movies, and getting lost in that perfect smile.

I was back at square one, as if I had never left and frozen in my skin.

“Well?” Kino said.

“Who do you choose?” Hongseok asked.

“Please...” Hui begged.

“I just want you to be happy.” Hyojong whispered.

I covered my face and let the tears flow. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was lost, stuck, and ready to move forward all at once. All I had to do was take the plunge. “I....I choose... I choose H-”

[ciel-plusultra]

Seeing Red Again

Ciel watched them from across the room. He sat in his chair in the ballroom, unable to tear his eyes away from them. Black and red, twirling around each other. Entwined as if they were one. He ground his teeth together and dug his fingernails into his palms. He was filling to his brim with rage.

"Are you watching, my lord?" Sebastian called from the ballroom floor, twirling Grell in a circle.

"Indeed." Ciel ground out through his clenched teeth.

"Oh, Bassy!" Grell exclaimed. "You know how to treat a lady!" She rubbed against the demon seductively as they danced. Typically, Sebastian would have let her fall on her face. For what ever reason, the demon decided to entertain the reaper tonight.

Ciel rolled his eyes, digging his nails further into his palm. He cursed himself for being a rubbish dancer. Perhaps if he weren't so clumsy, he wouldn't need to take note of the spectacle before him.

Ciel bit his lip as Sebastian dipped Grell. The reaper extended a long, slender leg and bared her neck seductively for the demon. Sebastian leaned down and whispered something quietly that elicited a rather naughty giggle from Grell. He breathed against her neck, causing the reaper to shudder and let a despicable sound escape her lips. Ciel bit down into his lip, welcoming the taste of copper as a distraction.

Sebastian froze at the scent of blood. His nose was buried just behind Grell's ear, but the slight scent still hit him like a train. He looked over at his master, who had nothing but a shrug to offer him in response.

Sebastian lifted Grell from the dip to finish the never ending dance. He gave a bow and lifted her hand to his lips for a kiss. A proper gentleman. Ciel rolled his eyes yet again. In response, the reaper grabbed the demon by his tie and flung herself into his arms. Before she could kiss him, Ciel stood abruptly.

"Sebastian. I'd like a word." Ciel's voice was like steel cutting through the room.

"Of course, my lord." Sebastian responded and then turned to Grell. "If you'll excuse us."

Grell whined and muttered under her breath, heels clicking violently against the floor as she stalked out into the hallway. She shut the door behind her. Once they were alone, Sebastian stepped closer to the earl.

"What are you playing at, demon?" Ciel demanded.

"You need lessons, master." Sebastian said, shrugging.

"Oh, lessons? Is that what you're calling that vile display?" Ciel's mouth was overflowing with venom that threatened to choke him at any moment.

"What's bothering you, my lord?" The demon purred and dared to saunter closer to Ciel.

The earl straightened. Although older and a bit taller now, the demon still towered over the twenty year old. He refused to back down, and stared defiantly into the face of his butler.

"What do you want from me, Sebastian?" Ciel struggled to keep his voice even, his rage and his emotions bubbling to the surface. "What have I not given you?"

The demon grinned devilishly and grabbed Ciel's jaw with a gloved hand, holding his face and making the earl look into his eyes.

"Why, master... You've given me everything." The demon growled and was staring hungrily at Ciel. "However, I still have needs."

"Is it my soul, then? Is that what you want?" Ciel spat. "After all this time? Then take it! I don't care to feel this way anymore!"

The demon backed Ciel against the wall, a bit more roughly than intended. He let go of the earl's face but kept him pinned to the wall.

"After all this time," Sebastian repeated. "You're just a daft boy if you think that's what I desire now." The demon rested his forehead against the wall next to Ciel, as if overcome with hunger and exhaustion.

"Then what is it, Sebastian?" Ciel's voice was shaking now, threatening to give way to tears. "You can have anyone you want. Why do you stay? Why don't you just take my soul and go off with Grell, then?"

"I certainly don't desire anyone else." The demon growled in frustration. He pressed his forehead against Ciel's now, one hand braced against the wall and the other stroking the earl's cheek. He tried to remain gentle, although his normally clear mind was clouded.

Ciel ripped his eyepatch off and grabbed the demons face, heart pounding in his chest as he stared into Sebastian's eyes.

"Tell me how you feel about me, Sebastian. That's an order." Tears prickled at his eyes and threatened to spill, but Ciel stood his ground.

"I've fallen in love with you, master. I want you terribly. I crave you." Sebastian tried to keep the words from spilling out, but couldn't stop them. "I don't hunger for your soul now. Not until you're old and about to die naturally. Only then will I take your soul."

Ciel's breath hitched in his throat and the tears began flowing down his soft face. He breathed heavily, searching the demon's face for any sign of deception, but couldn't find it.

"But why? You could have anyone," Ciel stared at his butler in disbelief. Sebastian wrapped the earl's legs around his waist, hiking him up further against the wall so he could look deeper in his eyes.

"For me," Sebastian began slowly. "There is only you, my lord." The demon leaned forward and licked the blood from his master's lip. Ciel shuddered and wrapped his arms around Sebastian's neck.

They remained still for a few moments, staring at each other and breathing heavily. Ciel gave in first, crushing his lips against Sebastian's. The kiss was desperate. A mess of tongues and teeth, licking and biting at each other like animals. Sebastian pressed Ciel harder against the wall and in turn, pressed his body more firmly against Ciel's.

Ciel let out a strangled cry that was devoured by Sebastian. The demon's hands cupped Ciel's thighs firmly. Ciel bucked his hips forward instinctively, then bared his neck to Sebastian the way he watched Grell do.

The demon lapped hungrily at Ciel's throat, peppering his neck with kisses and marking him with his teeth. Sebastian heard the clack of footsteps and pulled away, quickly setting Ciel back in his chair and putting a decent amount of distance between the pair.

Ciel sat light-headed and confused in his chair, the world spinning around him. He tried to refocus his thoughts.

"As I was saying, my lord." Sebastian started in a calm voice, as if nothing had even happened. "Your lessons are coming along quite well. You should be proud."

Just as Ciel was about to demand what was going on, Grell opened the door and peaked in.

"Bassy, if you're still interested in my offer, we'd better hurry." She looked at her pocket watch. "I've got to be back before midnight or William will kill me."

"Perhaps it's best if we wait until another time then. I appreciate your offer, Grell," Sebastian gave a fake smile. "Tanaka will see you out."

Grell whined and slammed the door once more.

"Time for you to get ready for bed, my lord. I've laid out your night clothes and I'll be up about quarter past nine with your tea." Sebastian stated professionally, but winked at Ciel before walking out of the ballroom.

Ciel sat in a daze, slouching down in his chair. He tried to process everything that had happened, but couldn't make sense of it. He'd certainly be inviting Grell over for more dance lessons if they all ended like this.

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(a jealousy fic prompted by @fearsome-perfect-beauty-eren !! I kind of enjoyed writing the angst and the tension. Hopefully you guys will, too!)