#i want to leave so bad

[totally-not-a-changeling]

hey, I don’t usually post too much about personal stuff, but I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t know anyone in real life who would actually be able to help with this (for reasons I’ll get into)

I grew up in the Mormon church, and I was happy and glad I was in “the true church.” But then I found out I was bisexual and started to realize that the church isn’t as perfect as I thought it was.

I felt physical ill when my parents found out about me and tried to tell me to “repent” and stuff like that. I’m not going into much details, but it was awful.

any hopes of me feeling safe and happy in the church went down the drain. I played nice for a while and now that I’m 18, my parents are expecting me to apply to BYU and go to the temple after I graduate high school. my parents are helping me to temple prep, but the idea of going through the temple right after I graduate makes me feel sick. But if I say I don’t feel ready then they’ll question why and it’ll be the “coming out” situation all over again and I can’t do that again.

I want to talk to someone about this but lucky me, I live in “Mormon-topia” Utah and I’m afraid that if I talk to someone, they’ll either tell my parents or the church, or guilt me into staying. I do have queer friends but I don’t want to burden them, especially since many in my friend group are still believers in the church.

I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped and that I don’t have a choice. I’m scared that I won’t be able to get out for a long time, and once I do get out it’ll destroy my family relationships. I have no idea if I’m overreacting or not. I’ve always been dramatic, so I’ll leave that up to you.

sorry, I just needed to vent and get my thoughts out. I’ll be goofy soon but general conference weekend was rough for me.

[ivys-head-is-spinning]

I wish I could move out. I’m so tired of my family. My sister throws tantrums all the time (every day more than once) and is so mean to my parents and I but then my parents are always in a mood so they are snappy with me and I’m done and tired and I want to leave so bad and my sister always paints herself as the victim and my parents just kinda suck sometimes and I want to be upset with them and hate them but I can’t because then they give me gifts or take me on a trip or have one moment of being happy and suddenly they are amazing and always telling me I’m so lucky and maybe I am but this is also so shitty sometimes and my sister ruined my birthday yesterday but “no it’s not her fault she’s going through stuff” and I can’t with this anymore and everyone always tells me how good I have it and my parents are saying how great they are and I am so grateful for all I have but I also just so damn tired

sorry for how long this is I don’t expect anyone to actually read it

[cicadasides]

everything i’m seeing on tiktok rn just fills me with so much dread and panic

[urjover]

yo fr i should’ve run away when i had the chance 💀💀💀💀

[evilrry]

wackadoodle time at work (i am sitting in my chair clicking and pretending to work)

[rohan-kishibaby]

.

[cleverclove]

I’m losing my fucking mind I hate this class

[allweleftunspoken]

how the fuck do people move out

[franeridart]

more dragon

[lemom-shark]

i’m at a mormon youth thing and i know no one here. i want to leave but im stuck here for another two ish hours.

[whimsyvixen]

Ask me what type of romantic dreams I have at night.

The man in my dreams:

(He wasn't happy I escaped from my gilded cage)

[arealtrashact]

'The cage is open. You can walk out anytime you want. Why are you still in there?'

[artkaninchenbau]

People keep on asking for more Baby Robin and Papadile so here is more Baby Robin and Papadile. Now never ask anything from me ever again

[sangthael]

progression of events

[solroskajan]

I refuse to belive Uzi can't easily carry N if she wants to.

[tititilani]

I can't stop thinking about if Simon had taken Edwin's offer

Like Charles finds Edwin in the hallway as ever but this time there's another boy there too, cowering against the wall next to him. Maybe the dollhead spider doesn't care about Simon, too busy focusing on its favorite target, so Charles is left standing in the hallway with Simon when Edwin is taken.

They get out of hell, but Edwin doesn't confess due to Simon hovering behind his elbow. He doesn't want to confess his emotions in front of his killer, who he probably hasn't even properly figured out how he's feeling towards yet.

The Night Nurse is pissed they came out with an extra soul but Niko's same loophole still applies and Simon stays.

"This is Simon," Edwin says when it's all said and done, finally introducing the boy that's been hiding behind him since the door closed. "He was a...classmate of mine."

"He saved me," Simon says, looking up at Edwin moony-eyed and Charles knows that look and something settles heavy in his stomach.

"Glad to have ya, mate," he tells him even though the words taste sour. This other boy knew Edwin when he was alive, the thought is slightly terrifying to him.

Simon settles in fine with the agency even if the agency feels a little crowded now with five people in it but he continues to moon over Edwin and Edwin just...never tells anyone how they actually knew each other. He reasons it just doesn't matter, that he can't find the right time, whatever.

Charles never really warms up to him, though he tries to hide it, but he sees the looks Simon gives Edwin, a soppy smitten look that is somehow worse than anything Monty or the Cat King ever tried with Edwin because of all of them, Simon arguably knows the most about like Edwardian courting. That, like Edwin, Simon has also survived hell. Charles hates the idea that someone could potentially understand Edwin more than he does.

He hates it so much that nothing further happens between him and Crystal because the idea of Edwin being left alone with Simon bothers him so much. He sees Simon adjusting Edwin's collar one (1) time and it makes him feel sick.

And then there's the fortune-teller.

They only go to her sometimes for cases because she never fails to freak Charles out but her prophecies tend to be accurate like 60% of the time which is pretty good for a fortune teller. She looks at the two of them at the end, because it is just the two of them for once, and then looks just at Edwin.

"How kind you are," she says, the words a compliment but the tone snide. "To house your killer. Pray tell it doesn't come back to you."

"What." Charles says. "The fuck."

Charles is furious, of course, and it takes Edwin a long time to talk him out of smashing Simon's face in with the new cricket bat.

"He's like me," he insists in that quiet but firm voice. Charles wants to scream that Simon is nothing like Edwin - that he doesn't have a fraction of Edwin's kindness or pissiness, that his blue eyes are not nearly as beautiful as Edwin's green - but before he can even open his mouth, Edwin continues. "He...He likes boys, Charles. He likes me."

Oh. Oh.

Charles stares at Edwin who is looking back at him, trying and failing to hide the fact he's terrified, and Charles doesn't give one shit that Edwin likes boys because he's his best mate forever. He's still pissed that Simon is apparently staying but he has to hug Edwin at that. "I'm still pissed you didn't tell me about him," is all he says, swallowing back the other words he wants to say.

Charles grows even more paranoid about Simon being around, who has to get used to the fact that Charles takes to swinging his cricket bat ominously every time he comes within ten feet of Edwin. He finds out that adjusting clothing was an Edwardian courting thing and wants to break something. The very idea the very person who killed his best mate is now trying to put the moves on said best mate pisses him off.

It also makes him think of numerous times Edwin had readjusted his collar or jacket in the past and it makes his non-existent stomach flip.

Eventually, Simon decides he's ready to move on to his after-life and Charles keeps his hands from fisting when he looks at Edwin with that same soppy look. He knows Edwin has forgiven Simon by now but Charles has always been better at holding a grudge and he knows what is going to come out of Simon's mouth before he even asks. He knows that if Edwin says yes, he won't stop him.

Charles also knows that if Edwin does, there is no way he is going to find any kind of his own afterlife.

"You could come with me," Simon says hopefully and the moment after is the longest in Charles' life.

"Thank you, Simon," Edwin says kindly and Charles has to keep himself from crying. "But I have no interest in going anywhere without Charles."

He steps back - away from Simon and back towards Charles. Ears suspiciously pink, Edwin links their hands and they watch as Simon follows the Night Nurse.