#i want to eat them. they probably taste like grape nerds.

[biohazardousgeodez]

Who up climbing they rice

[boom-bakugou]

‘Wedding Crashers’ - Katsuki Bakugou

A/N: Sorry for my inactivity but here’s a little sorry and thank you present for me hitting 1k! I love you all sm <3

Pairings: Pro Hero!Bakugou x F!Reader

Warnings: 18+, ooc deku; but it’s more of a headcanon, semi-public sex

Summary: Your ex-boyfriend Izuku Midoriya inviting you to his wedding is a definite stab in yours and Katsuki Bakugou’s backs. But you’ll show him.

Word Count: 5k

masterlist

You had considered your morning to be relatively normal, breakfast not burnt, coffee just that right amount of bitter to stir you awake. But those happy moments of peaceful bliss were soon to be fleeting as your mail arrived. Sifting through the pile to what you assumed would be bank statements and bills; your fingers landed on a cream white envelope. Your name printed neatly in a cursive font that when you followed it with your eyes for too long it almost made you want to puke. Tearing it open haphazardly, you read the perfumed content inside.

‘Dear Y/N Y/LN,

We are very proud to invite you to the blah blah blah wedding of pro hero blah blah Izuku Midoriya and blah blah blah.

RSVP blah-‘

Wait what? The taste in your mouth was pitiful. Yes, you and Izuku had dated years prior and after being childhood friends, yet it didn’t end… swimmingly. But this didn’t feel like inviting a childhood friend to your happiest day, no, this felt like a backhanded swipe at your ex-girlfriend who was well known to the media to be single. Pro-Hero gossip magazines made sure of that.

Throwing the invitation onto your countertop, your eyebrows furrowed with spite. You felt weak almost, watching your ex-best friend grow up to be this bountiful hero with merch in every store that you went to. Though you had triumphed well in the hero charts yourself, nothing ever seemed to compare to him. The golden boy. You never really got over the fact that he ended things because being a single hero was more postable than one who was tied down. Until now. Mr. Big shot getting married. It really made you question your integrity,

Recuperating your thoughts, you realised your phone was buzzing on the couch next to you. Checking to see the influx of text messages, you saw Katsuki Bakugou’s name fill up your lockscreen with notifications.

Bakugou: tell me you got the stupid fuckin invite too

Bakugou: the nerve that nerd still fuckin has

Bakugou: inviting his childhood ‘friends’ after all this time

Bakugou: tch, one big publicity stunt if you ask me

You chuckle as you scroll through the messages, gladly knowing that you weren’t the only one feeling this way.

Y/N: so what’re we going to do about it?

Bakugou: what do you mean?

Y/N: well we can’t show him up at his own wedding but we can sure stir something of our own

Bakugou: well that idiot is marrying some nobody extra

Bakugou: probably to show how ‘great’ he is

Bakugou: so how about if two top pro heroes rsvp’d together?

Y/N: you mean us?

Bakugou: no, midnight and grape juice. of course us you idiot

The idea brewed in your head for a moment. Izuku had always been nice when he was younger, and Katsuki hadn’t exactly been the nicest towards him in return. You were always the mediator in those situations. However when Deku grew and grew in the hero charts he started to lose touch with reality. Not really remembering what being a hero was about besides having his face stuck on a lunch box and raking in the dough for it. It was sad. You didn’t know who he was anymore.

Y/N: fuck it, i’m in

-

“You know, don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a tux before.” You chuckle, arm linked around Bakugou’s as you stepped out of the chauffeured car together. You were here to make a scene. Paparazzi glistened everywhere like a moth to a candle flame. You couldn’t wait for the tabloids in all honesty.

“Shut up.” Bakugou grumbled, almost in embarrassment. But his smile didn’t show a hint of it. “Not looking too bad yourself.”

You had coordinated well. Your maroon dress flowed in the gentle summer breeze and matched perfectly to Bakugou’s equally coloured tux. You two were such a pair it was nigh impossible to not think that you two were together today. And the paparazzi made sure of that indefinitely.

You couldn’t lie about how the service was beautiful, because it was. However you didn’t need to hear the shutter clicks of a camera go off every few words they spoke. It was distracting, and you and Bakugou shared a glance each time it occurred. Stifling a giggle, you hoped no camera would pick that up. Even if they did, they’d probably pin it to ‘look at these other heroes wishing that they were the next to get married!’ they’d eat that shit uplike ambrosia.

“Can’t wait to see the reception.” You mumbled towards Bakugou, your plastic smiles never fading for the cameras. Izuku making a show of himself and his new bride.

Watching him was almost bittersweet. The happy memories of you three as children flashing behind your eyes. Now replaced with a fame hungry number one hero. Where had all the time gone?

“What’s got you so perplexed?” Katsuki asked, filtering your way through the crowd, making your way to the cars that would deliver you all to the reception.

“Just-“ You sigh, allowing the cover of other heroes to hide you from the all seeing eyes of the paparazzi. “I miss him, y’know? Miss how we used to be.”

“Tch.” Bakugou didn’t care about the scowl present on his face, your words ate him up like some sort of bacteria. “Thought you said that he was the most selfish guy you’d ever dated?”

“He was but like-” You watched Izuku’s back as he held his new partner’s hand. Waving to the cameras and not watching her, as lovely as she looked in her wedding gown. “As weird as it sounds, I sometimes miss high school.”

Bakugou’s eyes scanned your face, following your eyesight to Midoriya. Fucking extra. The thoughts swam around his head, polluting his mind. He knew Izuku’s break up with you had been a massive toll on your mental health and your ego. He made you think that you weren’t good enough for him, and Bakugou never got over that fact. How could he pass up on you for anything else?

Breaking apart from the conglomerative of wedding-goers, Bakugou lead you to one of the specially hired cars to take the guests to the reception. Despite Bakugou’s abrasive and rough nature, you couldn’t help but notice how delicately he held your hand. Not tugging you along or haphazardly grabbing you by your wrist, making you follow him. No, his fingers interlaced with yours and you felt the coarseness of his palms due to the explosive nature of his quirk.

“Katsu?”

“Hm?”

“You can let go of my hand now, we’re in the car.”

“Yeah- whatever.”

Catching up in the car, you both realise how little time you have to actually spend with each other. Though you and Bakugou communicate 1000 times more than you do with Midoriya, heroing keeps you both busy. No times like these to goof off and be with each other. You missed it, you missed your hot-headed idiot friend.

“Hope there’s less fuckin’ paparazzi here. Think I’m gonna go blind with those extras pointing them in my face.” Bakugou rolled down the tinted window a smidge to watch as the car drove into an old looking manor hall where guests had already begun to arrive.

Flowers decorated the ground and just as you two got your hopes up, you saw a line of paparazzi at each side of the staircase leading to the double-doored entrance.

“Well, it was worth a try.” You remark to him, patting his back as you chuckled to him.

Bakugou was the first to exit, standing beside the door so he could reach for your hand to help you out while you fixed your dress. Just as the two of you began to reach for each other's arms to walk into the reception together; there was a brusque tug to your dress. Upon further inspection, a member of the shutterbugs had stood on a long section of your dress. Allowing himself to get pictures of it stretched out and flowy.

“Hey!” Bakugou didn’t waste time on pushing him off the tail end of the dress. “Try anything funny like that again with my girl and say goodbye to that shitty camera of yours!”

The man nodded, slowly letting his camera hang loose on his neck. The rest of the cameramen easily caught the scene but you both couldn’t care less. What’s a wedding without a little drama?

“Thanks Katsuki.” You note with a soft smile.

Bakugou’s hand tenderly makes its way around the small of your back until his arm is holding you close to him as you walk inside. His hand sitting in a caring way at your hip to assure that nothing could come between you both. You could not wait for the media to plaster this fake-ness on every outlet that they could! However, you liked the thought of relishing in the attention right now.

Once the dining festivities had come and gone. It was time for their first dance. Watching as he held her under the blue lighting had your heart hurting slightly. The thought that that could’ve been you. But Bakugou was right. He’s probably marrying some quirkless nobody not only to make himself look better, but being with another hero is messy. You both had media eyes on you; but… you couldn’t help but wonder how different your life would be like if Midoriya was how he used to be.

You didn’t even notice Bakugou’s eyes on you the whole time. Not wanting to waste a second of his eyesight on the show Izuku was putting on. You were a sight of your own. How could you not see that you deserved someone better? Someone like him. You always spoke about how everyone was under a facade when supporting Deku, but you never correlated that to yourself.

After a short while, others began to join in on the large dance floor. Perfectly spacious for all the famous faces and their egos. Bakugou’s hand traced down your arm until his hand clasped with yours, gently leading you to the floor yourselves.

“What’re you doing?”

“Come on, who’s to say we can’t have some fun too huh?”

Smiling at him, you followed his lead. His hand occupying your waist before pulling you in closer to his chest. Flowing with the music, you couldn’t help the cheesy smile on your face; nor the one that spread to Bakugou’s.

“Why’s no one ever tied down Mr. Ground Zero then?” Your question takes Bakugou by surprise, showing a small blip in your combined graceful swaying to the music.

“No ones good enough.” Such a Bakugou answer.

“You’re sounding like Izuku, but he probably got that from the old you.” You jested, earning an eye roll from Bakugou. “I’m being serious! Come on you can tell me.”

It takes him a moment to figure out an answer, so much so that he doesn’t focus on dancing anymore. He just stands there holding you before locking eyes again.

“Just haven’t found the right person to deal with my bullshit I guess.”

There’s a beat of silence and your eyes search his face for answers. You didn’t even realise how close you were to him. His breath fanning your face, the smell of oak and fire and burning sweetness engulfed your senses. You also didn’t realise how the two of you sank closer and closer into one another.

“Hey Kacchan, mind if I steal her from you?”

Izuku’s voice almost sends you two flying away from each other like same sides of a magnet.

“Ask her yourself she’s not mine.” You turn from Bakugou to give a friendly smile to Midoriya, allowing your hand to rest in his. “I’ll be at the bar. Free drinks and all.”

His answers are short, curt. Yet before you can ask him if he’s alright Deku spins you and begins to dance with you in his arms at the tempo of the new music track that’s playing.

“Long time no see Y/N!” His manner has always been so chipper, despite the facade of it all. Though Bakugou and you went there to purposefully to cause discourse; you don’t think you have it in you to be mean to Izuku’s face.

“Yeah, look at you! Married man now, must be scary.” You chuckle, almost nervously. It was like speaking to a stranger.

“Well I guess I’ll find out! But come on that’s been the subject of the whole day! I wanna know about you and Kacchan.” You felt like Bakugou right now, the old nickname boiling your blood as it did his. There was no doubt Izuku took influence from Bakugou and his fiery personality; but he took it in all the wrong ways. Using confidence to become cold, uncaring.

“Oh- haha, Katsuki and I aren’t-“

“Y/N. Don’t lie to me! I can see the way he’s burning holes in my tux from over here.”

Turning you to the music so you could face where Katsuki was standing, you peaked behind Midoriya’s arm to see Bakugou with an all too familiar scowl on his face. Chasing down a beverage in a crystalline glass in one easy gulp.

“If you ask me Midoriya he’s always looked at you that way.” You laugh your statement off but you meant it with malice.

“Midoriya? Feeling formal today are we Y/N?” He had completely lost touch of who he used to be. “I used to look at you like that when I saw you with other guys, I know what that look is.”

His comment stops you dead in your tracks, not allowing for him to swing you to and fro to the music.

“Actually Midoriya I don’t even remember you looking me with jealous intent other than when I was higher than you on the hero charts.” Shaking yourself free from his towering position on you, you stormed off to the patio doors, letting yourself be eaten by the oncoming darkness of night.

Crying at your ex’s wedding. Not something you’d think you’d ever do in your lifetime but here you were. Thankfully you couldn’t see any reporters or such outside so for now, it was just you and your tears. Maybe you were too harsh on him? You used to be friends right? What happened to that kid who wanted to be a hero who you looked up to? What happened to the boyfriend you had who kissed you goodnight and ignored you when your face was on the TV more than him or snapped at you when he was announced lower than you and broke up with you because ‘heroes dating are messy!’ No. Bakugou was right. He was a self-righteous bastard now.

“Y/N?”

You half expected Midoriya to come out after you but he was probably entertaining other guests. Luckily, as you turned you saw Bakugou standing outside with you, signature hands in his pockets with a dumb, sympathetic smirk on his face.

“Hey.”

“I promise I didn’t punch that asshole at his own wedding but I can tell you he got a fuckin’ earful from me. Hope the paps got a good pic.” His tone was joking but it hadn’t cracked a smile from you yet.

“S’alright. Wouldn’t give two shits if you did.” You sniffled, collecting mascara tears on your fingers and wiping them on the decorative concrete bannisters of the balcony. “Shouldn’t’ve fucking come. This was stupid I have too much baggage for this shit.”

You turned away from him, allowing yourself to lean out on the barrier, looking into the distance on the warm night. You could hear Bakugou give a small sigh before his arms snuck around your waist, pulling your back into his chest before placing a chaste kiss on the top of your head.

“That fuckin’ idiot didn’t know what he lost and it’s my fault for influencin’ him.” The pain in his voice was evident. Did Bakugou blame himself for the hurt Midoriya caused you?

“Katsu-“

“No. That extra is so blinded by the shit everyone has to say that he’s forgotten what real life is. Doesn’t care about his stupid fans or his friends or the best most understanding girl in the whole fucking world. A girl I know does the best for everyone no matter what her own situation is.” You turn around to face him, not wanting to leave his embrace. “Y/N. No matter how much I’ve always wanted to fuckin’ win I’ve just wanted the best for you. And when that bastard did what he did to you- I- fuck. You look at him, like you’re waiting for him to just notice you; but every time I see you it’s like I’m seeing you set the stars in the sky every fuckin night. You just- you’re fuckin’ everything to me Y/N.”

It was completely silent on the balcony besides the low thump of the music from indoors, but it was deafening. But it all faded when his lips attached to yours. It was so clear. All that pining over Midoriya when he was just copying the one who actually saw you for who you were. He even copied Bakugou’s crush on you, most likely to make him jealous. But your mind had no time to think of that when all you could feel was Bakugou.

It was like you had never been kissed before, never felt the love and sensuality behind it. Soft and moist but breathy and warm. For once Bakugou didn’t wish to win a battle, he wanted unity and to be together with you. His hands danced over the delicate curves of you in your dress; taking in every inch of your perfect body. The gasp that fell from your mouth was perfect entrance for Bakugou’s tongue to mingle with yours. The sparks hot and electric between you both was like liquid lightning.

Just as your hands found home in his hair, you heard the all too familiar sound of today of a photo being taken. Bakugou is the first to break the kiss to find the intruder of your special moment. Your lips already feel blushed and bruised but your heart was nearly pounding out your chest.

“Fuckin’ print that in your gossip magazine you extra!” Bakugou couldn’t help but heartily laugh at the man as he shook with worry after catching the intimate moment. He wanted to show you off. He wasn’t ashamed that his lips had captured you to be his.

“Let’s go somewhere more private.” He whispers into your ear and you eagerly nod, grasping his one hand with your two as the both of you manouvered your way through the wedding guests until you finally found a small closet down a hallway where no one from the party had entered.

Slamming the door shut behind you, your eyes drank in Bakugou’s frame. How had you missed that small boy you once knew had now become this beefy, beautiful man? Who was looking at you with the same awe and intent? Bakugou cornered you against the door of the supply closet, latching his lips together with yours once again as if he was scared he’d never be able to taste you again.

“You’re fuckin’ perfect.” Katsuki’s lips mashed with yours as his hands slid up your dress, the coarseness of his fingers against your soft skin sending shivers down your spine.

All those years of being a hero really showed on Bakugou, he lifted you with ease as your fingers traced scars on the back of his neck; holding on for support. His hips pin you against the door and you feel his cock hardening between the fabric of your underwear and his suit pants, you can’t help the whimper escaping your lips at the friction of him.

Bakugou’s hands slip under the straps of your dress, letting them fall delicately to your sides as his lips ensnare yours. His grunts and your whimpers enough to make any passerby know what was going on in the confined space of the closet. His fingers glide beneath the dress which allowed it to fall further as Bakugou felt the weight of your breasts in his palms.

“God you’re fucking everything princess.” His fingers slide beneath the lacy fabric to thumb your nipples, perking and tugging it with his forefinger.

Breaking the kiss, his head lowers to encapsulate the bud in his mouth. Gently suckling it before rolling it feverishly between his teeth. Your hands snaking through his hair only spurring the assault on your supple flesh. Biting your lip to stop the obvious moans that were threatening to spill out of your mouth. You swore you could see stars as his tongue flicked against the pointed nub- sending your nerves wild.

“Bet that fucking extra never treated you like this baby.” He matched your height, his gaze never leaving your own as he took both of your tits out of your bra; kneading the flesh and buds of your nipples as he spoke. “Just wanted to get himself off, I know how to fuckin’ treat you right.”

“Then do it… Kacchan.” You spoke with such gusto in your breathy state, knowing that the old nickname would make him see red. And god did it send him feral.

His body pressed you further into the door, even if it felt like he couldn’t. The aching feel of his cock rubbing against your clothed core made you mewl in want of him. His fingers slid beneath the hem of your dress and made little pricking motions into your inner thighs until he traced a slit over your panties.

“Shit you’re fucking wet.” The pads of his fingers kneading against where you wanted him most, a chuckle falling his lips as your hips did their best to try and get any sort of relief.

“Katsuki please- please fuck oh my god-“ Your neck craned back as you felt your body take control. The low growl in Bakugou’s throat at the sight of you barely touched and already begging for him.

Tracing his fingers along your décolletage he stopped when he met your parted lips before roughly shoving his fingers in your mouth, pressing down the body of your tongue.

“Please please please-“ Katsuki mocked. “Please what princess? Better use your fuckin’ words or else.”

An insufferable smirk played upon his lips as he felt your cunt clench around nothing at his dirty words. Pulling his fingers from your mouth, he wiped the remnants of your spit across your tits; awaiting for your response.

“Fuck me Katsuki- please you’re all I want. God you’re all I need.” Although said in your aroused state. You meant it- and he knew that.

Not wasting any more of the precious time you two had before you were inevitably found out considering your blatant disregard for being quiet; Bakugou used his hand to tug off his belt. Nearly setting his suit pants on fire as his quirk crackled in anticipation for you.

Your body clung to Bakugou’s for support, his whole body easily keeping your pinned high between himself and the door. Once his lower half was sufficiently stripped, it was easy enough for him to rip the sides of your underwear off.

“Katsu-“

“Shut up.”

Not wanting to disagree; you did. Hips bucking against nothing as the cool air prickled at your hot cunt. Bakugou held his manhood in his hand, rubbing the head of it in your slick and providing stimulation to your clit. Your thighs tightening around his waist like a vice grip at the well needed attention.

“You’re fuckin’ soaking baby. So needy.” Bakugou mumbled against your neck, allowing himself and you to get off momentarily at the friction. You could only nod to his words which were making you more and more wet for him. He was such a tease.

“Come on princess. Tell me you want my cock. Tell me.” His voice growled as he repeated himself, leaving marks upon your nape that would surely bruise because of his harsh bites and sucklings.

“Katsuki I need you- only you. Only you.” Your repetition is barely a whisper but he heard it, and despite his rough nature Bakugou confines your lips in a kiss as he sheaths himself inside of you.

Taking a few slow thrusts to allow yourself to adapt to his size, it’s only a moment before Bakugou completely bottoms out inside of you. He watches your face shiver in pleasure which he mirrors. He clasps your hips so firmly his knuckles turn white; it didn’t even hurt as all you could focus on was him inside you. Your hands find their way to his biceps, gripping on for some tension relief and you could still feel his muscles flex even beneath his suede blazer and the shirt.

“What a good fuckin’ girl, taking my cock like this.” Bakugou’s voice is a low growl as he thrusts into you, the sounds of your clothes brushing against one another and the slaps of your skin interacting was like a sinful symphony.

The smell of caramel danced in your brain as Bakugou worked up a sweat absolutely pummeling himself into your sex. You grasped onto him as if your life depended on it, moaning into his neck as his cock slid in and out of you. You didn’t even know how much time was passing as he rutted himself into you relentlessly- yet as you both came to your highs, you could both barely move from the thrill of it all.

Steadying your breaths back to a regular pace; Bakugou slid you down from where he had pinned you against the door and let you fix yourself as he then did himself. You sorted your dress and pulled any tugs from your hair when he had pulled it before slapping Bakugou’s arm.

“You dick! You ripped my underwear!”

“Hot.” He chuckled, fixing his belt loops and stuffing the ripped panties into his pocket.

“Not funny! I’m not parading about with no underwear on!”

“We’re getting the fuck out of this extras stupid wedding. You can wear my clothes at my place.” Suitably sorted and not looking like you had just had the brains fucked out of you in a closet (despite the reddening bites and bruises that were now appearing on your neck), Bakugou held you close. Yet instead of taking the corridor to the exit, he was leading you back to the main dance hall.

“Where’re we going?” You hashly whispered to Bakugou, your thighs still wet from your slick and the cool air against your unclothed pussy making you heat up from embarrassment.

“Gots to do one thing before we go.” There’s a shit eating grin on his face, you couldn't help but wonder what on earth he was planning now.

Midoriya stood talking to other heroes all dressed in their formal attire and Bakugou (with no consideration of their conversation) roughly tapped his shoulder to get his immediate attention. His arm around your waist was so tight but being see with Bakugou like this made you feel almost proud.

“We’re just heading off.” Bakugou had replaced his smile for his usual scowl, something he had always looked at Izuku with.

“Going so soon? It’ll be a shame you guys!” Izuku’s voice was plastered in falsehood. He probably regretted trying to gloat over you two. Bakugou held out his hand for Midoriya to shake it, your brows furrowed on what was obviously a stepping stone to Bakugou’s plan.

“I know I might not be better at you right now in the hero charts.”

Uh oh.

“I’m glad you’ve finally come to recognise that Kaccha-“

“But I am better at you at something for sure.”

Bakugou used Midoriya’s hand in his to pull him closer, readying himself to whisper in his ear.

“Cause I just fucked the shit out of your ex-girlfriend and I know you never made her come as hard as I did.”

Your face burned with the heat of a million suns, but the glower on Izuku’s face was priceless. And you couldn’t help but see the flash of a camera capture the moment as Bakugou’s hand fell from his and slipped once again around your waist.

[gideongrace]

11, 13, 14 🥺

11. "Fuck the avocadoes! We're leaving!" 

13. "I am a complete and total asexual disaster."

14. "But sex is boring."

These prompts are part of my fic "Upside Down Cupcakes". Which you can read all of on a03!

//

This time, things actually are good. 

Steve's been baking all day. And okay, sure, he's had to take a lot of breaks, he's basically become best friends with that old stool Robin dragged over for him on his first day back, but still. He's been able to bake. All. Day. Long. 

He's made champagne flavored cupcakes ('cause he's gotta celebrate somehow), he's made bubblegum flavored cupcakes ('cause he feels light and fluffy and bright pink, super sugary cupcakes help represent that mood), he's experimented with this new recipe for salted caramel cupcakes (which almost worked!) and he's made these purple grape flavored cupcakes he decorated with the best vanilla swirl icing he's ever made and these little rolled buttercream grapes that both look and taste so good (he knows because he put four aside and absolutely devoured them all minutes after setting the others out in the display case).

So all in all, it's been a pretty good day.

Or, it is until Dustin comes rushing in all flustered. Literally. His hair is a big, giant, poofy mess like he's been tugging on it and running his hands through it relentlessly and there's sweat on his forehead and cheeks. 

"Steve! You have to help me!" he pleads in this whispered tone that's entirely too loud to actually be a whisper. But Dustin looks like he doesn't remotely know that. So.

"Okay," Steve says, drawing the word out. His eyes dart around the room, looking for anything that might help and they quickly land on the box of champagne and bubblegum cupcakes he'd put aside for Billy and Max for later, realizing he just might need them sooner rather than later and for Dustin rather than for Billy. "What's up?" 

"There's a girl!" Dustin squeaks in that same not-really-a-whisper tone. 

"Where?"

Dustin rolls his eyes and points at the swinging door he'd only just burst through. "Out there!" He looks like he's annoyed Steve didn't automagically just pick up on that that's what he'd meant. 

"Oh." Steve pauses for a second before going to peek out the door. 

He gets swatted on the arm by Dustin for his troubles.

"Be careful!" Dustin for real whispers this time. "She might see you!"

Steve draws his head back into the kitchen and suddenly finds himself wishing that today wasn't Robin's day off. He doesn't entirely want to be responsible for handling this situation by himself. But then he sighs and he looks at Dustin's pitiful, sad, oh-help-me-please look and he realizes he has no choice but to help.

After careful deliberation, he decides to go with full, brutal honesty. "I don't get it," he says. 

Dustin sighs. "She has an asexual pin on her shirt and I am a complete and total asexual disaster!" 

"Okay…" Steve says again, drawing the word out for a second time. He's definitely going to need the cupcakes. 

"Here," he says as he gently leads Dustin over to his trusty old stool. "Sit down." 

Dustin does. 

"Eat a cupcake." Steve grabs one of the pink bubblegum ones and hands it to Dustin. "And breathe for a second." 

Dustin takes the cupcake and frowns a little before plucking the maraschino cherry off the top and plopping it in his mouth. "Okay," he mumbles around the cherry. He sounds so sad and so forlorn and yet so ridiculous because of the cherry it takes an actual effort for Steve not to laugh at him. 

He eyes up the box of cupcakes and decides this effort is well worth a cupcake as a reward for himself (probably a champagne one so there's still two left for Billy and Max each), before saying, "Now I'm gonna go out and talk to the girl. You come join us when you're ready."

Dustin, eyes wide in panic, takes a bite of the cupcake and nods then swallows. "Okay," he says quietly. 

Steve gives Dustin's shoulder a reaffirming squeeze before heading out to the front room to get a full look at this girl that's got Dustin's head spinning this badly. 

When he sees her, like fully sees her, like not just a blink-and-you'll-miss-it look but really sees her, he gets it. 

She's wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with a pin on it that says "But sex is boring" on it in the asexual pride flag colors. She's got long, flowing black hair. She's got a canvas messenger bag that has "Science: Ruining Everything Since 1543" printed on it. She's got flawless, soft, brown skin and glasses with frames so large they take up almost half of her face. And you'd expect from all of that softness for her to be, in essence, soft and sweet looking, maybe even shy, but she's not. Instead, she's got this innate confidence to her, this fierce determination and this look on her face that says, Don't bother messing with me, you'll lose and…. 

Oh, boy.

If Steve was ever asked to describe Dustin's type, "tough as nails nerd girl" would have been exactly it. This girl would have been exactly it. 

No wonder Dustin's so freaked out. 

Then the girl turns to the counter and Steve springs into action. "Hi there," he says as brightly as he knows how. "Are you looking for anything in specific?" He makes a point of dragging his asexual flag colored pendant out from underneath his shirt and playing with it. He does it casually enough he knows it won't look like it's on purpose, but also bluntly enough he knows she'll see it. 

"Hi," she says, her eyes dragging across all the cupcakes in the display case and totally missing his necklace. "I'm not sure. It's a co-worker's birthday just today and everybody in the office forgot, so just kinda, anything you've got?" 

Steve makes a noise then looks to the kitchen before moving to grab a box for her cupcakes. He wishes he could tell Dustin to get out here, that this girl isn't going to be around for long. "We could do like a mixed box? Just sorta one of every type so there's a variety? How many co-workers do you have?" 

Her eyes roll up into her as she mentally counts off how many co-workers she's got. "Six," she finally says. "Seven, including me." 

Steve makes a noise of general assent then starts opening the display case from the back. "Seven cupcakes, coming up." He grabs one of each of the types they have except for the basic vanilla ones Dustin made this morning—the ones Steve had had to fight him on calling "the basic bitch vanilla"—and sets them into a box. 

It's when he's moving to stand and put the box on top of the display case when she finally sees his necklace. "You're ace too?" She says it in the same breathless, excited way every asexual person does on finding another asexual in the wild. 

He smiles. "Yeah, so's Dustin," he says with a careful thumb pointed back towards the kitchen. "We originally met at an ace meetup during pride five years ago."

She smiles back but it's hesitant and Steve can't help but wonder a little at why. She fishes her debit card out of her bag and asks, "How much?" pointing at the cupcakes and pointedly not asking about Dustin. 

Steve thinks maybe it's best Dustin isn't out here and that this girl's about to leave, so of course, that's when he comes rushing out. 

"That'll be $21.00, please," Steve says, picking up like there's nothing weird going on. 

"Sure," the girl says. She forcefully shoves her debit card into the slot in the debit machine as Steve hands it over, her eyes still firmly on Dustin. 

"So you're Dustin, right?" she asks, her eyes finally flicking downwards for just long enough to input her information.

Dustin nods. 

"And you're asexual, too?" 

Again, Dustin nods. 

She yanks her card out of the machine and gives Dustin a tough, appraising look. Then she smiles, but only a little. "I'm Kali," she says and holds her hand out for him to shake, which he does. Vigorously. "And I think we owe it to all the asexuals who never get to go on dates to go out. And we definitely owe it to ourselves. What do you say?"

Dustin is speechless until Steve elbows him in the ribs and even then he only manages to squeak out a, "Yes!" 

Steve hands over the box of cupcakes and tells Kali she can come pick Dustin up tomorrow at eight and gives her his address. She agrees, takes the cupcakes, and leaves. 

Dustin looks like he just might pass out. 

//

This one got away from me a little bit so the other part of this prompt will be a separate piece!

[ziracona]

Do you have any favorite drinks and foods headcanons for ilm?? I feel like Meg would like Shirley templess 👀

Hmmm for sure but there’s so many characters I don’t know how to comprehensively answer this, haha. Meg probably would enjoy that. I think she drinks sometimes for fun or bc it seemed like a good idea at the time, but actually prefers non-alcoholic, because it’s not that great to her, and also because you have to not take your adhd meds if you plan on drinking that day as they interact, and amphetamine > depressant lol. I think she enjoys fruity mixed non-alcoholic stuff a lot. Specially if it got that 👌 zest 👌 to it.

Meg is a huge nerd who likes most of her favorite foods for fan reasons. Her favorite food is chocolate chip cookies with blue chocolate chips because of Percy Jackson. Favorite drink she would probably say is coke, but in reality it’s probably some kind of non-alcoholic cocktail she wouldn’t think to name.

Jake has a proficient pallet from being rich and can actually tell a huge difference in food quality, but hates this and is determined not to be the spoiled rich shithead who only deins to eat from a plate prepared by someone who graduated prestigious culinary school at the top of their class. Has forced himself to acquire a taste for lean meats and nuts. Would request like salted cashews if Meg was getting snacks & she’d throw a fit bc mixed nuts isn’t a treat and he would be offended she was judging his pick. Secretly really appreciates diligently and artfully prepared food. Does not like lamb. He will hunt and there’s not much he feels bad about eating, but he saw a lamb going to get slaughtered as a kid and absolutely will not stomach that as food ever since. Would feel weak & has probably only mentioned it to Dwight, or maybe Claudette, bc she’d never judge or be mean, or maybe Quentin, Kate, or Adam, because Quentin & Kate would agree, and Adam is like, the chillest man ever.

Dwight likes sea salt and vinegar chips, beers, Pepsi, pretzels, steak, and (secretly) those frosted animal crackers. Gets shit constantly for his taste in food and drink. Just wants to be left alone. One time Claudette drank a beer with him to make him feel better bc everyone else was making fun of him for liking beer and she is sweetheart.

Claudette enjoys a dish her mom makes out of fried onions, squash, artichokes, and optionally also mushrooms, probably more than any other food in the world. It is really good. Favorite drink is sparkling grape juice. It makes her feel like she is drinking champagne, but it actually tasted good, and won’t get her drunk or hungover. Also likes tea a lot. Most green and white tea types especially.

Nea likes almost anything with a cronch when you bite into it. Enjoys fish too, and curry the way Min makes it (which is very rushed college student but like, rushed college student with standards). Really likes empanadas after being introduced to them. Also genuinely really loved both Claudette’s amaranth oatmeal and her realm cookies, and since she and Quentin kind of ‘grew up’ inside the realm, it’s also like, surreally and kind of heartbreakingly, a nostalgic and comforting childhood memory to her. They remind her of times she was more okay as a teenager. :’-] Favorite drink is probably a kind of complicated cocktail that is very strong but also sweet and tangy, nursed for a long time. Or a sports drink if she’s on the go. (Lol her fave drink is just the alcoholic version of Meg’s).

Min likes anything spicy that is prepared well, but especially likes meat dishes. Girl wants her protein so she can kick ass. Really loves Ace’s cooking. Smell is 70% of taste. Spice it up, fam. Only knows how to cook 3 dishes on her own, but they’re a good 3. Doesn’t have a single fave. Although she does greatly enjoy just like, devouring a slab of meat if Anna cooks. It makes her feel like a powerful wild beast to just shred a flank with her teeth and she digs that. Fave drink is baijiu, although more in a competitive way because it’s alcoholic af & she can stomach it than actually for taste or pleasure. For taste she will just mooch off Nia & Ace, who both like fruity alcohol.

Ace likes a homemade bread recipe of his mother’s most (I think he and Frank are the only two with stated favorites in-fic?). Makes it a lot for the girls and for friends, and everyone likes it so this works out well. Enjoys martinis and any fruity alcohol, but is good about not actually getting drunk past lucidity. Also enjoys just really nice brands of various juice (mango is probably his favorite?)

Quentin likes his Dad’s pasta recipes probably most, but doesn’t have a favorite from among them. Also likes red velvet cake a lot because he only ever gets it on his birthday and it makes him happy. His mom died when he was really young and he pretty much doesn’t remember her, but one of the memories he still has is of her giving him birthday cake. It’s the time of year he always feels closest to her. Favorite drink is energy drinks because he’s stupid and likes to play god with his body and knock back adderall with shots of redbull. Didn’t like energy drinks so much before Freddy, and back then probably Coca-Cola or something was the fave, but now energy drinks are associated with comfort in his head, so he genuinely likes them. Also really likes M&Ms. Used to treat himself to a bag from the school vending machine if he had a shitty day, so they are also associated with comfort.

David likes chips (as in fries cut UK style/thick, not American chips). He is enlightened and sees the true value of all potato products as well, and honors them as such. Also is the enjoyable kind of person who genuinely & visibly appreciates most all good food. He likes beers too (you and Dwight, buddy) although he’s got better taste in them. His favorite drink is probably coffee though. He likes strong coffee, full body, with just a little bit of cream and sugar so it’s still bitter but has a pleasant edge to it. Not sure why that’s his favorite. He just really likes it.

Laurie likes strawberry milk. Would give that answer if asked for fave food or drink. If prompted further would consider, then suggest that as her drink, and some kind of really nice soup as her favorite—probably pumpkin. Will genuinely enjoy any gift of food someone picked out for her with some thought. Also loves Mac’n Cheese a lot, but would not admit to that to everyone because she’s kind of embarrassed that as many times as she’s had it in the past two years alone, her heart still sees a warm bowl and years for the good shit.

Kate likes fruit. Mangos, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, peaches, pears, pomegranates. Has the patience to eat a pomegranate too. Would just say “fruit” if asked. Loves to pick it fresh. Favorite drink is probably a smoothie, but she would insist that counts. What flavor would vary, but she leans towards blueberry or raspberry on default because she likes the colors.

Tapp likes Chinese food. Mostly this is because Chinese takeout was the nicest thing he could ever afford on the reg as a treat. However, he gets to eat real chow mein and mapo tofu (former made by Ace, the latter by Min—spicy mapo tofu being one of the 3 dishes she knows), and decides those are now his favorite food. Would not ask people to make that because it would be being a hassle, and he would think it wouldn’t matter and would be stupid & not worthwhile to request a dish when visiting a friend, but gets excited internally when they make that & gives sincere and generous compliments. Tried and failed super badly to learn how to make both, but Rachel Thomas (who didn’t know at all how to either but is great at teaching herself shit) helped him figure it out and now he makes them as often as he can without feeling like it will get old/annoy the people living with him. Favorite drink is whiskey but that’s for depression reasons. For genuine enjoyment, he likes probably just juice. Orange or pomegranate.

Adam shares Min’s enjoyment of spicy foods, but is really into trying new things and genuinely doesn’t have a favorite. If he had to pick, he’d probably say Bulla cake, because it is his favorite desert/treat. He really enjoys them & they are nostalgic to him. Good memories of his childhood. His uncle wasn’t always great at knowing what to say, but used to pack him one to take to school any time he knew Adam was stressed or intimidated by an exam or due project. Even if it went bad, he had a comfort reward for making it through. Always buys them when he’s somewhere he can. Favorite drink is tea. He likes a wide variety, but masala, jasmine, and ginger are some constant favorites. Would actually know, care about, and adhere to proper boiling/steeping times per tea type.

Jeff likes baked goods. He really enjoys the baking process itself a whole lot, especially if he has people he can cook for/share with. Definitely has created several original & very good bread recipes. Prefers bready goods to sweet ones. About the sweetest fave he has is basic scones (just bread/no nuts or fruit or filling. Slightly sweet bread with a little sugar on top, meant to be paired with jams etc when eaten). Likes those a lot. Favorite drink shifts from subtype to subtype, but is always one of his homemade craft beers. Also enjoys Dr. Pepper (ah I knew I was forgetting—both he & Joey also have some stated canon favorites. So does Susie).

Jane’s favorites are both things her dad makes. He has a really good ceviche recipe and a complicated secret recipe bean dip, and Jane likes snacking on those with a bowl of chips while chatting on the porch. Slow meal extends both fun of chat and fun of conversation. And her dad has a really good sense of spice use. She can make both well too, but is convinced they taste completely different when she does & distressed by this. Her dad insists they taste the same, but also always sympathetically packs her some time take home anyway. Her favorite drink is probably either coffee or wine, out of familiarity and comfort. She’s not very particular though. As a treat she enjoys moccacinos with a ton of whipped cream a whole lot though.

This was already super long so I’m gonna stop here, but I wood cry if I didn’t include at least Philip in what is now clearly just a survivor lineup. So honorary addition:

Philip likes anything really cold and refreshing. Prefers things with a little bite, so he would pick a cola or alcohol over a fruity drink. Not a big preference past that. Always touched and surprised any time a friend goes into a gas station pitstop and comes back with /any/ ice cold beverage for him, no matter how many times it happens. The gesture to him is very much genuine kindness instead of a friendly nothing. For food, he likes anything with enough substance to actually make him not hungry. So meat dishes are a big plus, as is nice bread. He doesn’t have a favorite meal-meal, probably, but there is a kind of cookie made entirely of egg whites and sugar, that is beaten and fluffy and sweet like a cloud and really delicious somehow despite having almost no substance. Philip had no knowledge of these, but Claudette made him some one morning she was feeling happy not too long after they both first went home to Montreal, and the meringue chocolate chip cookie variant she made was one of the best things he had ever eaten, and probably is his favorite food. They’re like little bites of the concept of sweetness without it being an overdose, and have a very unique and pleasing texture. With the chocolate added, it’s just right. 👌 And then also, of course, it was a gift welcoming to his new home, from the person who more or less is his new home. : )

[penchanteds]

gendrya fic recs

a non-comprehensive list of my favorite arya/gendry fics

required reading; or: arya and gendry fall in love today, tomorrow, and probably for the rest of eternity (modern au)

hope will put the colors in the sky by monroeslittle

the most iconic gendrya modern!au. reading this is an intitation into the gendrya fandom. so true to their characters and angsty and will probably hurt you but still so good. after this, you crave more fics where arya goes pub-hopping and gendry buys her cheap beer and they eat greasy pizza together on the floor of his apartment.

we can pretend that they don't know our name by scrubclub 

fulfills your wildest richgirl!arya x stableboy!gendry dreams. this fic is an absolute gift, a national literary treasure. please read it for the romance in the countryside aesthetic and the westerosi political intrigue. inspired by this timeless photoset.

re: weapons (and you) by scrubclub

these two are academic nerds who spend all their free time talking to each other about weapons and dating (and unfortunately not doing enough of the actual dating thing). the cutest fic told in a creative epistolary format. it has lots of archaelogical musings and sword euphemisms and absolutely delivers on the will-they-or-won’t-they; the correct answer is they definitely will.

the dating game by scrubclub

arya’s friends set her up on dates and have a terrible taste in men, but that’s okay because there’s good old gendry right around the corner if only both of them would open their eyes. there’s a group project involved and meddling friends and makes you wonder if it will really take an entire village to get these two together.

the waiting game by scrubclub

companion to “the dating game,” equally adorable, guaranteed to make you love gendry more if that was even possible. we love our somewhat clueless, unfairly attractive mechanic who doesn’t think he’s good enough for richgirl!arya.

pascal's triangle, revisited. by pentaghastly

in which arya thinks sansa and gendry are together behind her back, and gendry continues to be the clueless idiot with hearts in his eyes. fluffy and angsty and straight out of a teen romcom, just the way we like it.

insert here - a sentiment re: our golden years by pentaghastly

the fake!dating trope is a privilege and a right. 

five times in the bathroom by stutteringpeach

obviously arya and gendry can’t stay away from each other. in different bathrooms. at various family functions. repeatedly.

grrm wishes he wrote this (in-universe au)

arya of the thousand days of by drholland

[work in progress, ~200k words, but a masterpiece that is required reading!! cannot emphasize this enough] this fic is a triumph, a gendrya epic that honors the strength and heart of these two characters. set years post-series, reading this is a journey in and of itself. it is an intimate portrait of how gendry and arya are truly meant to be together, of how their love endures and conquers. brilliantly plotted and emotionally introspective, this is everything the game of thrones tv series wishes it were and grrm could only dream of writing the canon that these two deserve. 

all we know is falling by youcallitwinter

a beautiful take on gendry in the post-season two uncertainty.

you made a slow disaster out of me by i-revel-in-chaos

this fic will break you and make you want to curl up and wonder how two people so right for each other seem to have such horrible timing. arya returns from braavos and only gendry is there to hold her together. some days, he’s simply a bastard blacksmith in love with a rich highborn girl; other days, it’s not so simple and he let’s himself forget. 

i was looking for a breath of life by i-revel-in-chaos

in this one, arya dies and gendry is a mess in the aftermath. he is heartbroken and struggles to move on in her absence. this is grief told in multiple stages, before it seems to nearly consume gendry whole. it hurts to see a man so broken, but that’s his world without arya. 

when next to wild animals -- by arbitrarily

haunting, mesmerizing, dark and twisty; a third person, almost out-of-body narration of a girl and no one.

five times arya stark shared a bed with gendry by vixleonard

it is established canon that arya and gendry slept next to each other and that is of greatest importance; end of message.

gonna make this place your home by argyledpenguin

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) 

a series of five different au’s that range from arya and gendry growing up on the streets of king’s landing; a gendry stark character swap; and arya as a granddaughter of the lannisters.

a dark world aches (for a splash of the sun) by argyledpenguin

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4)

a four-part au about prince gendry, heir to the throne, and lady arya, his bethrothed, and the royalty!au we deserve because theirs is the fury (and fury burns).

another in-universe au by argyledpenguin

they are betrothed at an early age and slowly fall in love because of course they do, they always do. 

they belong together, again and again and again (other au)

dream until your dreams come true by crossingwinter 

softball and dreams and guess what they were soulmates. a soulmates fic where the soulmates don’t communicate and it gets angsty but it’s so obvious they love each other.

 misfits au by argyledpenguin

in which arya really is death and there’s superhuman powers and time travel and arya and gendry fall in love in this one too.

the dry season by arbitrarily

a stylistic masterpiece. the starks meets the grapes of wrath. arya finding justice when it bled her dry. gendry on a ranch, leaned against his worn pickup truck.

fixing the hole that season 8 left in us (s8 canon)

the fury by nymja

[work in progress, post-series] just read it. it will help you heal after the ending of season eight, mend some of the heartbreak that left with arya on the ship. the most renowned post-series fix-it fic, and a welcome antidote to the tragedy we were otherwise left with. 

sing more absurd by scintillio_coll

this fic has a lot of feelings. gendry learns how to lord and arya sails the seas, and eventually they find their way back to each other. in the years they’re apart, they become rebuilt as people and it’s so gratifying to read their reunion. gendry grows into his lordship in the way he knows best: forging nails to keep his world together. 

left for dead by nymja

award for best use of a “still rowing” punchline. bonus points for jon losing his mind over his little sister together with the random blacksmith he once met in a cave.

5 ways jon snow finds out about arya and gendry by vixleonard

another jon snow knows nothing fic because arya and gendry are the exact opposite of subtle.

1,500 miles by nymja

arya and the hound on the road to king’s landing and the comedy writes itself.

approval by nymja 

i will read any and all fic where the hound spectates his favorite idiot murder couple.

with the wild wolves around you by lady_lyannarose

post battle-fic that is so soft and tender and aches with beautiful prose: “he’ll love her anywhere she’ll let him.”

quiet birds in circled flight, soft stars that shine at night by Anonymous

arya reflects on surviving the long night and the life that comes after. 

originally posted 06/10/2019, last updated 06/30/2019

[at-the-exd-of-everythixg]

Headcanons!

Ava

Hates classical music to the point where she'll jump out of a moving car.

Likes to chat casually to bats, often getting into arguments and discussions about mortality with them.

She's got a favourite called "Wayne Bruce" and can often be seen brushing or arguing with him. "No, it's not that I can't buy thirty pounds of watermelon but it's the fact that we'll both get sick!....hand me my money."

Wears blankets like hoods and capes to try and cover her wings more for warmth.

Visits a bakery every morning to eat a diffrent doughnut everyday.

Has a very large tuft of fur around her chest that she hasn't worked out what it's for yet. Pssst, it's for babies to snuggle into and hold onto.

Mimi

Can essentially run through anything as long as she hits the object with her arms first.

Dances to at least one song during the morning while she gets ready and has a soundtrack for everything.

Tends to switch between art projects and will often leave five of them laying about.

Falls asleep in the bath all the time.

Attracts crustaceans to her. Mimi has no idea why but usually if you come to visit her at work??? You'll find lobsters and crabs pooling around her feet.

Always, always, eats grapes as she buys them so by the time she's paying, Mimi has eaten an entire bag already.

Finn

Self conscious of his smile since it makes his cleft lip really obvious.

His jam depends on his mood. Sometimes its smooth when he's happy but can be lumpy when he's angry.

Never swears. He will always, always, say softer words unless it's a raunchy situation ;D

Embarrassed over the amount if hair he grows in the winter. It isn't fun to suddenly have back length hair and a coat of chest hair.

Has a number of different beanies and badges to hide his ears.

Always sleeps until the afternoon when he can.

Sal

Severe phobia of blood to the point where he passes out or throws up at a nosebleed. It relates to his sister.

Has a really weak stomach and often avoids eating most foods because of it.

Floats when he's asleep and keeps hitting the ceiling. Always has the exact same dream and sleepwalks/flies.

Always runs up the stairs because there's a woman who reminds him of his abuser on the first floor.

He's secretly flustered by the idea of being given flowers but hes accepted that no one will ever do something.

Gets riled up quickly but calms down real fast whenever he's squeezed. Only Bex, his boss, and his siblings have ever done this. Also flinches really easily when he's yelled at and that's it, he's gone.

Mahogany

Limbs ache a lot due to how stretched put they are. Also doesn't have proper bloodflow so they can't feel lot of their body.

Loves beds in the morning. It's the only warmth they can stand really.

Has an obsession with farm animals, to the point where they might avoid eating them to purely play about with them.

Gets sick in summer, tends to pass out more and struggles to breathe. Its also because they've got inegrnal damage from inhaling so much smoke when their home burnt down.

Sits outside the shower with anyone. Chances are you'll have Mahogany picking their head through the curtain to watch you.

Can't taste most foods but they sometimes like eating cakes purely for the degsins of them rather than the taste. They just chew it and throw it up later.

Pascal

Can eat the most spicy foods since his mouth is essinetlsly made of holy fire. Literally ate a burning kebab without any thought once.

Has to change his bandages twice a day since his eyes burn through the material eventually.

Wears matching sweaters with his cat Zuko.

Has thought about buying a suppression collar but he's a bit too nervous about it.

Has struggled with religion after everything his mother did in the name of God. He wants to try and give it another chance someday.

Misses his sister something feral and gets pretty angry when he can't predict meeting her again.

Asgard siblings

Wulf causes himself to go into the air when he sneezes.

Actually very light due to having his own gravitational pull. Anyone could lift him without any effort really.

Loves scrapbooking and has actually joined clubs with his many elderly lady friends (they're closer to his age anyway).

Edith has started to make her own herbal teas since her powers come in handy.

She adores Ragnarok and got the horse when she was in her early teens (probably mid 50s for Earth terms lmao).

Has considered chopping her hair off to fit in with Midgard fashion but Edith has fond memories of her parents teaching her and Wulf how to do their hair and it feels like chopping off a piece of home.

New crew

Iris gets rather annoyed with other accents, it's why she's so heavy in making sure all of her experiments sound British.

Adonai knows every Hatsune Miku song off by heart and is incredible at Dance Dance Revolution.

Mordecai loves seeds and trail mixes so it isn't hard to find him shovelling a bag of sunflower seeds into his mouth before he forgets about it and proceeds to work with his cheeks fat like a hamster.

Peach has accidentally won three marathons purely because Dae has texted her for help and she's gone after him.

Dae has completed every single pokemon game and won't stop playing until he's completed it, even if it damages his health.

Cassandra is an intensive DnD nerd, she's made elaborate stories for her characters and hates the fact that no one else wants to play.

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 6 Why do you even care?

Cyrus had had a rough week, but this episode wasn't nearly as bad as usual. He had spent Monday in bed but was walking Nala by Wednesday. His parents had noticed but chose to give him space, they only opened his door to give him his dinner. During times like these, his mom always gave him encouraging post-it notes with pictures of cute dogs and quotes saying "You matter" and "Even waking up is an accomplishment." Cyrus' roughest episode was after his brother had died, he had spent two weeks in the dark and didn't feel like himself for another year, that was when he was 13. That was when his parents had decided to put him on SSRI's.  "Hey there champ," Todd had said as Cyrus was finishing up the homework Buffy had dropped off. Cyrus was sitting on his bed with Nala in his lap. Having her there always made the world feel more manageable. Cyrus looked small and beaten down. He knew he had nothing to be sad about, but he felt horrible anyways. It was as if the sadness of seven billion people had been transported to his chest, it was unbearable. In a small voice, he said, "Hi." "Hey, honey. Feeling any better?" his mom said as both of his parents sat on the bed. His sets of parents tended to trade off on this after-depressive-episode-speech. Cyrus closed his book and held his breath, "Yea" he said under his breath. "Honey we've talked about this. You can't keep going off your meds whenever you feel like. They're there to help you" His mom had said as she gently finger-combed his hair. "Yea I know mom," He knew it was a mistake to stop taking them, but he just wanted some control over his life.  "Cyrus, what is it? Why have you gotten so distant? Is it the teenager thing or something else?" Todd said as he sat next to his wife. Cyrus shrugged, his eyes started to water. Don't be so lame he thought what is it this time anyway? Why do you always have to be such a baby? "Let's try another question," his mom said gently "why'd you go off your meds Cy? You haven't touched them at all this year. You know this always happens when you go off them." Cyrus looked up at the ceiling for inspiration, hope, courage, anything he didn't have. "I-" he started, but he couldn't finish, his tears had caught up with him. He sobbed into Nala's fur. "I-" he tried again, only to get caught on his own emotions, "I don't know, I-" he felt his parents rub his back, he felt their compassion." I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." he pleaded to no one in particular. He didn't know what was happening to him, everything felt like too much, too little, too confusing. It was too much for a 15 year old. "What do you need from us, Cyrus?" His mom said as she brushed his bangs back, He couldn't look into her eyes. "We're here for you, all four of us." All Cyrus could do was nod and cry. Normal he thought, I just want to be normal. Cyrus had spent a good part of the week wallowing in his own misery, but he was feeling more like himself after he had cried in front of his parents. He spent the rest of that day finishing homework and texting his friends. Andi and Buffy (and even Jonah) had made sure to flood his phone with dumb vine compilations and cat videos. Andi had even come over to give him his very own flower crown, complete with daisies and baby's breath. They had crowned him 'Prince of the Good Hair Kingdom.' Even Nala had gotten a little crown. Buffy had dropped off his homework and hugged him for twenty minutes straight, she knew her words wouldn't help him. Jonah had flood his dm's with cat videos and frisbee videos, occasionally cats playing frisbee and anything else Jonah thought was entertaining. Cyrus had expected his friends to contact him, but he didn't expect TJ to text him at all that week, he didn't think he'd notice his absence. Cyrus felt as though he couldn't reply to TJ's messages. Sure, he had spilled his guts to him the other night, but their friendship was just different. He didn't want him to see him like this. He liked the idea of TJ thinking he was as put together as his outfits. Buffy, Andi, and Jonah all knew he wasn't perfect, but TJ had only seen him fall apart once, and that time wasn't even that bad. The next day, the good hair crew had decided to get ready for Amber's party at Buffy's house. Jonah would meet them there. "You know," Buffy said as she helped Andi get into their elaborate jumpsuit, "I really do hope we all have fun tonight, let loose and stuff." "Did Buffy Driscoll just tell us to let loose?" Cyrus had said exasperated, he was sitting on the floor surrounded by Andi's makeup, he had just finished doing his hair. He was smiling again. "Yeah, I'm cool." Buffy said, Andi and Cyrus both laughed, "You guys! This is our first real high school party, we should enjoy it and all its trashy perfection. We've worked hard! We deserve to get completely wasted. Plus, we told our parents we'd be at Andi's right? So we're good" Buffy was now rambling to herself. "Buffy, we're fine," Andi said, "we're supposed to do trashy teenage stuff. It's part of the American school system." "I for one, am not going to get wasted. I don't want everyone from school to see me like that! I have an image to keep up" Cyrus said. "Whatever you say Cy" Buffy said, "Just know that when you do get trashed, we'll have your back." Around 9pm and after eating two bags of pepperoni pizza rolls, Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus walked to the address Amber had sent Andi. "I thought this was Amber's party?" Buffy noted as they reached the door. It was a seemingly normal house on the outside, but Cyrus could already hear the trap music moving the ground. "Me too," Andi said as the door opened. "HEEEYYYYYY" Screamed Iris.  "Iris?!" Cyrus stood with his mouth agape. When was the last time he had seen her? "Oh my god! Cyrus! You're so tall now! Come in come in." She gave them all light hugs and motioned for them to come in. "Is this your party?" Andi said. "Oh yeah, Amber didn't tell you? My parents are out this weekend. Everyone's in the living room right now. Drinks are in the kitchen. You know the drill." She turned to walk towards what Cyrus assumed to be the living room. He could smell the teenage musk from here. "Oh! and upstairs is off limits" she added smiling. When was the last time he had talked to her? Did she know he was gay? Probably, right? Cyrus thought about taking twenty shots right then and there, seeing Iris embarrassed him beyond repair. Seeing her reminded him of his failed attempt at a love life. He didn't want to think about his love life, but seeing her flooded him with reminders of his faults and insecurities. Plus Iris probably thought he was still a nerd. Had she told people he was a nerd? Or that he was a bad kisser. Oh god, what if she told everyone he was a bad kisser? "Okay team, Amber should be here soon, same with Marty and- Cyrus? Are you okay?" Andi waved their hand in front of his face. "Me? Cyrus Goodman? I'm great. There's a reason we're called Goodman, because we're good, always chilling, like surfer brahs ya know how it is," Cyrus said as he nervously looked around the living room. He saw a couple people he knew from his classes, but most of the people there were in the grade above them. People had been trickling in behind them and he noticed that the room was not big enough for all of them. He felt cramped. Why did he think this was a good idea? OH my god he thought what if TJ's not coming and i'm left alone as the fifth wheel? Buffy and Andi had made their way into the circle people had created in the living room. Cyrus sat down next to them. Soon enough, Amber, Jonah, Marty, and TJ had shown up. "Hey" TJ said as he sat on the other side of the circle. "Hey" Cyrus had responded. For some reason, TJ wasn't looking at Cyrus at all. Cyrus noticed that Rester had shown up too, he looked away. "Okay ladies and gentlemen" Iris had said, "This game is called 'Buffalo-" Cyrus had stopped paying attention to whatever stupid drinking game Iris had come up with, he was now looking at TJ. Tj was in a corner talking with Reed and Lester, they were smoking something, but that wasn't was Cyrus was angry about. Cyrus felt betrayed by TJ, how is it that he spent so much time worrying about him only to not want to talk to him? Why was he hanging out with Rester again? Cyrus felt someone nudge his side and pass him a red cup that smelled like grape cough syrup, he tasted it and grimaced. He looked over at TJ with his dumb perfect hair, who was now laughing with Reed and Lester and took a big gulp of what tasted faintly of coke. "Andi, I want you to know-wait, Marty, Buffy! I want you guys to know that like you're my bestest friends in the world and like, You guys. The world is so hard you know? And like dogs are so good and stuff but everything is still hard even though we have dogs" Cyrus didn't remember where he was, all he knew was that it was somehow darker inside and everything was fuzzier. He didn't really know where his drinks were coming from, but he didn't care. "I just- love you guys so much" Cyrus was talking to his friends who were all on Iris' couch nodding in serious agreement. They too had rub cups scattered around them. Am I on the floor? Cyrus vaguely remembered seeing Andi and Amber laughing hysterically, if he thought back hard enough he could even remember seeing Buffy smile and pet at Marty's face while he twisted his fingers into her curls. He vaguely remembered seeing Jonah dancing and laughing with Walker. He thought he saw them holding hands too, but it could've just been his imagination. He definitely remembered them basically sitting on each other and he definitely remembered laying on the floor alone. He could hear the other party-goers talking and laughing but only vaguely, everything was a little cloudy, dreamlike even. It was as though this house didn't exist in this dimension, as if anything that happened here wasn't real. "Hey," Cyrus heard from above him. He could see blond hair. "T?" Cyrus slurred. He tried to sit up but his body had suddenly gotten a hundred pounds heavier, so he stayed on the floor. His eyes focused a bit. "No," Cyrus could see Reed move his mouth "it's Reed dude, you're like sooo out of it. You should drink some water bro." Cyrus hummed and closed his eyes. He thought about how Alcohol made gravity work ten times better. "Reed I don't like you," Cyrus said. Reed chuckled a bit and said, "Okay bro" as he helped Cyrus sit up. Cyrus kept his eyes closed, but he noticed that Reed had brought him something to drink that didn't smell like medicine. "Hey" Reed said again, "dude, are you good?" "I don't like you, you're mean," Cyrus said. "Yea I got that thanks." "You messed up my hair," Cyrus said as he opened his eyes a bit and looked over at Reed. "I'm sorry about that," Reed said, "hey who's taking you home? Do you have somewhere to go?" "Hey! What are you doing to him?" Cyrus heard someone say to Reed. He didn't understand some of the words but he didn't care. He closed his eyes again. "Did you give him something?" He heard the same voice say. "Yo, chill. I just gave him water. I was just trying to help. Why do you care so much anyway?" Reed said. Cyrus heard his voice grow more distant. There was yelling and cursing and he thought he heard someone scream, but it felt far away. Everything felt so far away. "Whatever Reed fuck off. Your shit was shit by the way!" Cyrus heard the voice get closer "Cyrus? Hey. It's TJ." The voice kneeled in front of him. "Oh," Cyrus said "Tyler James" Cyrus saw his arm move to touch TJs head. He grinned and sang "your're jealousssss" "And you're drunk," TJ said. "Ooo says the jealous boyyy. You cangetme water too" Cyrus laid on the floor again. He liked the floor. It was comfortable. "Okay Cyrus. How much have you had?" "Uuuhhhh like a lil lil lil bitty bitty bit, I'm not even that drunk." "Underdog, you're on the floor right now." "And you're up there. So tall.  Like a building," Cyrus laughed and blinked slowly, Cyrus could barely hear the music.  "Uh huh now come on, get up" TJ tried to get Cyrus to stand up, but all he could do was him to sit up. Cyrus looked at him and asked "Am I really your favorite person?" Before throwing up on TJ's shirt. "Oh my god. Okay Cyrus I think it's time for you to go. Who's taking you home? Andi? Buffy?" TJ said as he sat on the floor next to him. Cyrus didn't understand what words were being said to him and whether or not he was supposed to respond so he just grinned and said "You have pretty eyes" TJ blushed furiously and called to someone. Cyrus felt himself get lifted away, and next thing he knew he was in a car and then in a bed and then he was asleep.

[shootingupstardust]

types of people: major greek gods

&& zeus || a voice that demands to be listened to, clear blue eyes, watching a movie and knowing how its going to end, the leader of the group, the one with rumbled laughter, the one that dreams of flying far away and had big big plans, the know-it-all, rain jackets, grey clouds with the sun poking through, the excitement and fear you feel when lightning flashes, the hairs on your arm standing on end

&& hera || the confidence you feel doing what you are passionate about, naturally long eyelashes, sharp eyes, highlighter on cheekbones, the one they hate but also admire, demands attention when you walk past, you know everyone's dirty secrets, nude lips and white painted nails, you are terrifying when angry, diamond anklets, silver rings, styled hair

&& poseidon || the sea foam that kisses your feet before you step into the ocean, deep eyes that you can't tell if they are blue or if they are green, sun kissed skin, the smell of coconuts and salty air, sand crystals left on your skin, weird tan/burn lines, crinkles by your eyes when you smile, you're a comfortable presence, you always feel better when you are near water, sunnies on always, tank tops and flip flops, the wind messing up your hair

&& demeter || clear skies and the first cold wind of the season, jumping in a pile of raked leaves, the smell of the earth when harvesting begins, the mom friend, extra sweaters in case someone gets cold, you love to watch things grow, running through a field of sunflowers, always barefoot, long hair that's braided, cinnamon candies, having to pet every dog you see, crying when no one is watching, pearls with white lingerie, keeping the house warm so you can sleep beneath the coolness of your quilt, sweaters with shorts

&& athena || staying up all night because you got caught up reading conspiracy theories, coffee rings on the table, a disorganized but organized desk, neat handwriting, overthinking so you can't sleep, leaving people on read because you forget, "let's get creative", knows it all, fountain pens, journals, mismatched knee socks, resting bitch face, remembers the little details about you, jean jackets, glasses, prank sinatra, gazed off into the distance and makes things awkward, that one friend you go to for advice even though they've never been in the situation, walking encyclopedia of irrelevant facts, listens to hamilton every day

&& ares || that overwhelming feeling you get when all your emotions overtake you and you see red, leather jackets, the smell of smoke that lingers after a bonfire, parkour, converse over vans every damn day, always has a lighter but doesn't smoke, getting into fights to defend someone's honor, bruised knees, dark circles underneath bright eyes, brown eyes, the revving of a motorcycle, not paying attention in class but acing the exam, trying to be punk rock but you're more pop punk, skateboarding is edgy, bitten nails, air drum solo, screaming when you're alone in your room and no one can hear you, when you smile it's like the world is at peace

&& apollo || that feeling when the sun finally rises after days and days of rain, the light always seems to want to be wherever you are, the sun slipping in through the window, acoustic guitars, humming to yourself, constant melody in your head, beat up sneakers, blonde hair, smiling eyes, glitter always seems to be on you, a yellow aura, the innocence of a child, laughing at inappropriate times, a song is always stuck in your head, flower crowns and singing in open field, cloud gazing, the color of honey, freckles everywhere because you are always outside, flushed cheeks, cherub-like face, warm hands, singing by a fire, the car ride on the way to see your favorite band play

&& artemis || the feeling you get sitting on your roof and watching the moon sit silently in the sky, vans shoes, jean jackets, staying up late on the weekends, sneaking out of your house, stargazing with your best friends after you all got high at a party, silver hair, observant eyes, an angry indie kid, ponytails, chapped lips, running through the woods, laughing when no one is around but the night sky, reading your horoscope every day, amethyst necklaces, arrow wrist tattoos, sticking up for your best friend no matter what, probably has a cat, pale skin, cold hands, the edgy friend, silver nail polish, black hair

&& hermes || the friend that keeps laughing at the joke even though it's been three days, hanging out with your friends all the time, never doing homework but still manages to pass the class, t-shirts, gossiping, getting the class clown award, different colored hair, track suits and adidas all the time, "psycho but cute but psycho", actually a meme, sneaky smirks, the sketchy friend, the loudest person in the room but still the one no one knows, could pick their friends anywhere out of a crowd, makes their mom say "no" so they don't have to go out, video games, soda overlord, "will there be food?", always munchie, might be high but we'll never know

&& aphrodite || the feeling of your heart skipping a beat when your crush walks by, bambi eyes, winged eyeliner, silk sheets, the one who never has a mean thing to say, can quote disney movies for anything, skinny jeans, cute boots, can't sing but will do it anyway, heart on their sleeve, teardrops, "rip out his ego with your fresh nails", the heartbroken, loves everyone and probably can't keep a relationship, gets bored easily but is easily entertained, trying their best, heart is always in the right place, moody, pastels, walking around your house in just your underwear, midnight snacks, pink lipstick, sparkling eyes, does color runs, kisses people as a way of greeting them

&& dionysus || tasting wine with your parents while you are underage, collecting wine glasses just to put plants in them (terrariums), "i only eat grape flavored popsicles", obsessed with cults, probably always watching crime shows, gets nightmares from the shows they watch, likes to randomly wear suits, constantly fixing their hair, overreacts to literally everything, can't tell if they are actually dramatic or just being annoying on purpose, is either eeyore or tigger there is no in between, getting drunk over a person (lovedrunk), karaoke nights, gentle touches, sharp cheekbones, believes in polygamy

&& hades || the comfort you get when it's pitch black in your room and you can finally sleep, has weird dreams about dying that wake them up in the middle of the night, takes forever for you to fall asleep, likes to cuddle, the underrated friend, the misunderstood, bright colored hoodies and track pants, tired but not because of their lack of sleep, extremely smart, lowkey nerd, wears contacts instead of glasses, tough love, cares way too much, cries themselves to sleep, has a million things running through their head, shoulder to lean on, feels like a burden, gets sad easily, trying their best, likes dark things but that's okay

&& hepheastus || the feeling you get when you are staring into flames, fireplaces, building with legos, drinking tea, scribbling down ideas in a journal, skilled artist, always has an invention to test out, rough hands, burn marks/scars from working, tired eyes, gentle hands, comfortable silence, reading the newspaper when you first wake up, always having something to do, that friend that's always busy, antisocial social club, flaky, soft-spoken, old tshirts and dirty jeans, shoes with holes in them, smells like clean laundry even though their clothes are always messy, organized, put together, knows where they are going in life, distant but sweet, the overlooked friend

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

The Misadventures of Prince Kim - chapter 65

All you new followers I know perfectly well you’re all Kim fans, just like me. Anyway, if you have like 17 years of free time, here is 247,000+ words of a royalty AU Kim being a Kimbecile (though it’s nearly finished, I swear, and it’s way stupider than it sounds)

Also on AO3 so you can read it from the beginning, which would make so much more sense

Kim made sure not to be late for this year’s Peace Ball. He didn’t want any more servants challenging him to hopeless lacrosse matches this time round, and anyway, now that he was officially a part of the International Alliance, it would be best to make a good impression. He was welcomed into the hall with his name and title announced over the speakers, then left to fend for himself.

This time things did appear to be somewhat more relaxed. It seemed that the simple act of the ball taking place in Lahiffe was enough for all these upper status people to chill out a little, which was nice. There was much more laughter to be heard over the energetic music Prince Nino was playing from the corner, and far fewer judgemental looks aimed Kim’s way.

He found Max almost straightaway, right near the entrance of this giant hall itself.

“Kim!” Max rushed over, a huge smile on his face. “You look amazing!”

Kim was very tempted to pull Max into a close hug, as he often did, but held back. Technically he wasn’t officially out yet, and who knew what the rest of the International Alliance would think? Things were too precarious now to risk it.

“You look amazing too,” he said, putting on a smile. Max saw through it immediately.

“What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Kim ran a hand through his hair, wondering how to put it – then quickly put his hand back down when he realized he would be ruining it after all his hours of hard work. “I’m just kinda nervous. There’s all these people here, leaders of the most powerful countries in the world, and I’m the newbie, so like… I mean, I’m not scared or anything, I’m just…”

He was scared, though. His childhood days of being totally fearless were over. The terrifying events of the past year had taught him that consequences existed, severe consequences, and he couldn’t afford to make one wrong move. His country was relying on him.

“And you know what Master Fu told me at the oracle session,” he continued. “The timelines are gonna split again, and in one I’ll be able to go home this summer but in the other I won’t. And timeline splits in the past have always been really bad! What if I accidentally cause a…”

“A war?” Max asked. He took hold of one of Kim’s hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t think you need to worry about that. There won’t be a war.”

“How do you know?”

“My oracle session, not this one, but the one last year. I asked if my country would go to war within the next 10 years and the answer was no. Considering that when one member of the International Alliance goes to war the rest will follow, it seems unlikely that you’ll cause anything. Otherwise my country would be dragged in too!”

So there wouldn’t be a war? Oh, thank goodness!

Kim squeezed Max’s hand in return, a genuine smile on his face now. “That’s a relief. Thanks, Max.”

“You’re very welcome. And anyway, no matter what happens, I’m here for you. All of us are.”

That was so cheesy and cute, Kim knew he was blushing. “You’re too good for me, honestly. But if there’s not gonna be a war, then what could cause the timeline split? Why wouldn’t I be able to go home? I mean, I guess maybe I could die or something, but–”

“Shhhhh, you’re not dying on my watch.”

“But you and Alix have had your turns, can’t I get to die a horrible death too? It’s not fair otherwise!”

Max chuckled. “Oh Kim… if anyone’s listening in on this conversation they’d probably think we’re nuts…”

That was a good point! Kim quickly looked around to check if anyone important was nearby, but all he saw was some foreign princess watching them, who choked on her drink and turned away blushing when she noticed that he’d caught her. No one important then.

“So anyway, back to death and despair,” he said. “Do you think I’ll die and cause a timeline split?”

“I have no idea, but I hope not. You’re in excellent health, you should be totally fine.”

That didn’t mean that some tragic accident couldn’t befall him, or that he couldn’t just suddenly get ill, like last year when he’d caught the flu during the pandemic. But seeing Max’s unhappy face, Kim dropped the topic.

“Where’s Markov?” he asked. “I know he doesn’t even count as royalty or nobility or anything like that so he probably wasn’t even invited, but…”

“Oh, he is invited!” Max said, smile back on his face. “He’s considered a guest of honour and part of the royal family of Kanté.”

“Really? That’s awesome! Where is he?”

Max shrugged. “Somewhere in here, I think. He told me he didn’t want to get in the way when I ask you to dance with me.”

Kim’s heart leapt up. “You’re gonna dance with me?”

“Yes, of course, just like last year except better. Nino’s got something planned. Come on!”

Still holding his hand, Max pulled Kim along behind him towards the dancefloor, where many of Nino’s kid relatives were goofing around in a way that reminded Kim of how he and Marinette used to be when they were little. Oh, how he missed those carefree days…!

The next thing he saw, an adorable little puppy was barking away and running across the room, leading to excited gasps from most of the onlookers. The puppy ran up to the DJ table and leapt into Nino’s arms. Nino laughed and ruffled the little dog’s fur, planting a kiss on its head.

Nino’s family had a pet dog? Huh, Kim had never known that. There seemed to be a lot about Nino that no one knew.

Close enough now, Max waved at Nino, who winked back and pressed a button on his soundboard. Within a few seconds the current song had faded out and something very familiar was playing over the speakers instead…

The jive from the party in January!

Without even saying anything, Kim pulled Max into the very centre of the dancefloor and continued right from where they’d left off almost a year ago, the sound of Max’s laughter washing away any fear he had. This was so much fun – why couldn’t all royal events be more like this? The Lahiffe Kingdom really had the right idea!

Within a few minutes they were not the only ones. Queen Sol herself had turned up to join in, bending down to dance with one of Nino’s adorable tiny cousins, and soon many more of the guests made their way over to join the fun. It seemed that plenty of International Alliance members were nowhere near as stuck-up as they seemed. What a relief, maybe they’d think well of Kim after all…

-

While all that was going on, Alix had found her way to a deserted corner of the room with Markov whizzing along behind her to keep an eye on her.

“You don’t need to babysit me,” she said to him, leaning against one of the pillars that was secluding this area. “I already get enough of that from Jalil. So please tell me you’re just here to chat.”

“Not quite,” Markov said, his eyes flicking down to the bottle in her hand. “I don’t think you should drink that.”

“Well why not? I’m 18 now, I’m allowed!” Just to spite him, she took a big swig from the bottle – only to start coughing. Ew, this stuff was like rotten grape juice mixed with bleach! Worse than anything else she’d ever had, and that was saying something.

Markov’s fans whirred louder for a second, as if he was sighing. “First of all, it is considered an acquired taste. Second, though you may be 18, you are very small in size and therefore you will be affected much faster and more heavily. Third, it is unwise of you to drink unsupervised, especially considering how reckless you can be even without any ethanol in you. Fourth, you’re supposed to pour it in a glass and drink it!”

While he had been speaking, Alix had braced herself and drank more of this stuff. At first it was searing, burning her throat like acid. But after a few sips it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was sort of nice, like molten lava running down her gut.

“I can drink it how I want,” she snapped. “Other royalty events and stuff only ever have soft drinks, so this might be my only chance to see what it feels like. Bless the Lahiffe Kingdom for being so chill.” With that, she took another few sips. It was making her feel all warm inside, the ends of her fingers tingling slightly. No wonder people liked this stuff.

“You should slow down at least,” Markov suggested. “I would hate to be responsible for you throwing up in front of everyone…”

Oh, he was right about that. She sat down on the ground and put the bottle down beside her. The snake was feeling strangely heavy on her shoulders, so she put it down on the ground too.

“That’s better.” Markov floated down to her level. “Did you have water? Anything to eat?”

She poked that little face of his, giggling slightly. “You do sound like Jalil. Maybe it’s a nerd thing – all nerds are squares who sound exactly the same. Did Max programme you to be a nerd on purpose? Uh wait… what did you ask again? I wasn’t listening.”

Markov shook his head. “It is already affecting you. That makes sense, considering your height.”

“’Scuse me? Me being short doesn’t mean anything, thank you very much!” She grabbed the bottle and stood up again just to be able to look down on him, though her feet seemed to have a bit of a mind of her own.

“If you drink much more then you’ll have a headache tomorrow,” Markov said.

“Pfffff, hangovers aren’t real. That’s just a movie thing, isn’t it?”

“No, they are real.”

“Whatever. I don’t care. And how do you know so much about all this, anyway? Robots can’t drink!” She took another swig from the bottle, her hands going slightly numb at the ends now.

“It’s called research,” Markov said, “and perhaps you should do some too at some point so that next time you can drink more responsibly.”

“Markov, dude, there won’t be a next time. This is probably the only chance ever, or at least in a long time and – wait is this an earthquake? No, it’s just me… okay never mind…”

Alright, she was getting a little dizzy now. She grabbed Markov out of the air to stabilize herself and didn’t realize that it hadn’t worked until she found herself sitting on the floor again. Without thinking she raised the bottle to her lips again, only for Markov to wrench himself out of her grasp and take it away from her. She tried to snatch it back, but somehow he was moving too fast – how was he doing that?

“I think you have had enough,” he said. “You should probably leave it there for now unless you want to be unable to even walk back to your room later.”

The thought of trying to walk and tripping all over the place was inexplicably hilarious to her, and she was giggling over it before she knew it. Even funnier was the thought that a robot, of all things, was giving her a lecture on responsible drinking. “Maybe you’ll have to carry me! I’m small, right? Can you carry me?”

Markov giggled a little too. “Of course I can’t carry you! You may be small, but I am much smaller.”

“Yeah, true. I guess I gotta get someone else then, like Kim. Good thing he didn’t drink any of the stuff ‘cause he’s way stupider than me. Or did he drink any? What’s he even doing? Snogging Max, probably. Or would he do that here? I don’t know. How I am now is how he’s like all the time, so maybe he’s doing something stupid like always.”

“I believe he is dancing with Max.”

“Good, I hope they’re happy. I was the one who got them together. Did you know that? I’m the best. They’re both idiots.”

“You are using ‘idiots’ as a term of endearment, right?”

Those words took far longer than usual to process in Alix’s brain. “Yeah, yeah, I insult them all the time. They’re my friends so I’m allowed.”

For some reason it was getting harder to make herself pronounce words properly. She tried to reach for the bottle again but Markov slapped her hand away. Weirdly enough, it barely even hurt. Did this count as being drunk? Because in that case, it was awesome.

“Will you keep being friends with them when school is finished?” Markov asked.

“Yeah, duh,” she replied. “Max lives like a tiny plane ride away and we were already friends before, I can hang out with him whenever I want. And Kim… wait…”

A terrible thought occurred to her. She tried to get to her feet but her limbs simply weren’t responding, so she clumsily grabbed Markov out of the air again and held him right up near her face to hear her properly.

“His oracle sesh… shhs… thing! This summer, either he’ll go back home, or some bad thing will happen to him, and we don’t know which! And both suck, ‘cause I don’t want bad things happening to my friend, but if he goes home it’s so far away and I won’t see him for so long!”

It was getting more and more impossible to visualize a world map in her head, but the kingdom of Lê Chiến was all the way on another continent, and there were definitely no airports there. If Kim went back, he’d probably stay there for literal years.

“But you will be able to speak to him by telephone,” Markov said, the little propellers on his head spinning around in a way that made Alix’s head hurt.

“Only if they fix the tele… those cable things which Agreste broke. And that’s not the point! He’s… him… friend…”

Being drunk was suddenly starting to feel a lot less awesome. Letting go of Markov, she lurched over and grabbed the bottle, only to put it back down when the taste started to sicken her. Maybe she had drank it too fast after all.

“He is your friend and so you don’t want him to leave for a long time,” Markov said. “It will make you unhappy. That makes sense.”

She nodded, hugging her knees to her chest and resting her spinning head on them. “I never had close friends before. Not like him. And no one will think I care that much ‘cause I’m not Max…”

“Are you crying?”

“N-no!” She gave him a shove. Was it the drink that made her all emotional? This was really starting to suck. “I’ll miss him, okay? Is that bad? I don’t want him to leave me… Is that shellfish? Am I shell… no… sh… shhh…”

Markov was laughing at her, and she was overcome by the strange urge to hit him. Her arm was already up in the air before she stopped herself – why would she hit a robot? That was mean. And selfish. There, she could say the word in her head. So why not out loud?

“Stop laughing, you know what I mean!” She settled for giving the stupid robot another shove, though her coordination was so off that she almost missed. “I should just let him go home and not be sad. But no one else is that fun, you’re all killjoys! There’s no one else like him. He’s stupid and reckless and crazy and the best and oh my god I love him and why am I saying all this?!”

Markov had those upturned arch eyes, looking smug as ever. “You drank too much so your inhibitions are lowered. You are speaking what’s on your mind.”

“What? No!” That had been way too cheesy, no one could find out! She tried to grab Markov but missed. “No I was just… ignore all that! I was joking, I… I really don’t care…”

.-.. .. .- .-. the snake tapped out on the ground beside her.

“Oh shut up! I… look, don’t tell anyone what I said… one time he had a cold and I was saying all the mushy stuff to him ‘cause I thought he’d forget but he didn’t, and he’s already full of himshelf… sh… show-off… and I don’t want people thinking I’m all sh… shhh… oh fuck alcohol, I’m never drinking again, I can’t shay anything…”

Markov had been quietly chuckling away, but now stopped and looked at her with bigger eyes than usual. “Alix, are you a tsundere?”

Did he… did he just…?

“Markov,” she said, “are you a frickin’ weeb?”

“Um… Max introduced me to anime, and I do rather like it a lot, and I did a lot of research about it too. The tsundere seems to be a common archetype. Defensively hiding one’s sweet nature with aggression.”

Alix couldn’t even focus on what he was saying. The thought of Markov watching anime was just too ridiculous for her to wrap her head around. A robot, who watched anime. It was just bizarre!

“C’mere, you lil weeaboo.” She finally managed to grab him and pulled him into a cuddle. “You… you… yandere.”

“That is a highly inaccurate term when applied to me. Do you even know what that means?”

“No. Yes. It means you kill people.”

“Well, sort of.” He wriggled out of her grasp and landed on the ground just beside her sceptre – she didn’t even remember having put it on the ground. “I doubt you’ll remember much of this in the morning. May I see Pharaoh Rania again?”

“Hololologram? Whyyyyy?”

“I’m… studying her.”

His voice seemed to have gone all wispy and weird again, though it was hard to tell right now. Was he hiding something? Whatever. Alix flipped open the lid of the sceptre for Markov to have a look at. He went right up close, his dotted eyes growing larger and larger. Seriously, what was he studying? How to make holograms or something?

In any case, Alix was far too dizzy and tired to keep her eyes open much longer. Should she take a nap? Right here, in the hall where the Peace Ball was being held?

Yeah, it was fine. The snake would wake her up if she needed to do anything. Closing her eyes, she let herself doze off.

-

-

-

-

Over in the Bourgeois Empire, Chloé and Sabrina were standing in the room just behind the royal balcony, waiting for the emperor to show up to give his annual Yuletide speech to the common people. Of course, peering out of the window, it appeared that many of these common people were carrying flaming pitchforks, so perhaps it wasn’t a good idea this year.

Sabrina was shaking slightly. “Chloé, this is just like how it was back home before… you know…”

Before the Raincomprix civil war started. Chloé had been expecting it, really. She had been sitting in on her father’s meetings whenever possible, trying to change things as much as she could, but no one paid any attention to her! She was just some little schoolgirl to all the corrupt advisors running the empire. And it was very, very obvious that the commoners were not going to take this for much longer.

Why did her father need to take so much money from them, anyway? What was he using all that money for? Upgrading those solid gold bathtubs, probably. Sumptuous feasts. Lavish clothes. Things that commoners could never afford, and for no reason other than the fact that he could.

But what about food production? What about infrastructure, education, amenities? All the things Chloé had learnt how to handle at school? It seemed that her father had learnt no such lessons, as he paid no attention to the real issues that needed to be addressed. The common people of this empire were dying! They were starving, discontent, angry! And it was his fault!

If someone else didn’t step in soon, surely Bourgeois would go the same way as Raincomprix did.

“I’m going to go find him,” Chloé muttered, the grumbling from outside getting alarmingly loud. “He ought to have been here 10 minutes ago. You stay here, Sabrina.”

Sabrina nodded. Chloé walked out of the room as quick as her heavy, restrictive skirt would let her.

Her father would be in his office, right? She hurried over there to see that there were no guards around. What was up with that? She knocked on the door.

“Father? Are you in there? The people are waiting for your speech!”

The door opened and her father, wearing a thick coat, quickly pulled her inside and shut it again. “Chloé, good timing! The peasants will not accept my speech this year, you know it. We would be better off going into hiding. I’ve just finished packing all the emergency supplies, and arrangements have been made for us to safely get to Lavillant – I was just about to send someone to fetch you, in fact. Come on. Let’s go.”

He picked up a bag in the corner of the room and opened the bookcase to reveal a hidden passage behind it. Chloé was too shocked to even do anything for a few seconds. He wanted to go into hiding? Now?? Really??!

“What are you waiting for?” the emperor asked, gesturing to the passage. “Time to get going!”

She put her hands on her hips. “I am not going into hiding.”

“Are you worried? Fear not, I’ve been keeping aside plenty of money from the treasury for this very purpose. We will be very well-off. Better than we would be here, in this unsafe empire. It’s falling apart.”

And whose fault was that?

“No!” Chloé snapped, to her father’s surprise. “You don’t understand, do you? The commoners need a leader! That’s what they’ve been wanting this whole time! They need someone to fix the empire, which you broke, by the way.”

“Now, young lady–”

“Don’t you ‘young lady’ me! I would make a much better ruler than you ever did! We were one of the largest, richest empires in the world, and you’ve ruined all that! Made the commoners so unhappy they’re on the brink of revolting and harvesting our heads at the guillotine!”

Her father, eyes wide in shock, put a hand up to his neck. “That’s why we need to leave, now.”

“No, that’s why you need to leave now. I’m staying here.”

He was silent for several seconds, before finally managing to respond. “Chloé, if you stay… you’re just a child, you don’t know how to rule… you’ll die!”

How pathetic – how unbelievably, ridiculously pathetic. No wonder her mother had left him.

“You’re a coward,” she spat. “Running away when the empire needs you most. You know what? I’ll be empress instead. I’ll take full control of the mess you’ve left, I’ll leave school, and I’ll fix this.”

“You can’t be empress! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

“Oh really? Says the man who has cost so many people their lives thanks to his mismanagement! This isn’t just about me. This is about millions of people who need help. And if you’re not going to help them, then I bloody well will. Now hand over your crown.”

He hesitantly took the crown off his head, but did not yet give it to her. “Chloé, please… I implore you… think this through…”

“I have thought it through. I’ve been trying to make a difference for a long time now, and me being empress is the only way anyone will let me. So give me the crown! I order you to!”

She held out her hand. Shaking, he slowly stepped forwards and placed the crown on her outstretched palm.

“Very good.”

She swiped the wig off her head, then put the crown over her natural hair. While it had always looked too small for her father, it was a perfect fit for her.

“Thank you, father. You are no longer emperor, and we have no need for your services. Now get out of here before I throw you to the commoners waiting for you just outside.”

He nodded and ran to the opening of the passage again. Then he paused, turned back, and quickly rushed over to hug his daughter one last time. Chloé tried very hard not to cry. It had been ever so long since her father had last hugged her, and it was a shame that such dire circumstances were the only thing that could drive him to do it.

Then he was gone for good.

Immediately, Chloé sank to her knees, the layers of her dress folding beneath her – oh, she was empress, she was empress. Was this real?

This was such a huge burden she had just put on herself. An empire in shambles, with a court full of schemers, and angry commoners wanting her blood. A situation like this was nigh-unfixable.

But she had to fix it. Someone had to do it, and this was her chance. She had to be strong!

And plus, she was not in this alone. She had Sabrina with her right here. She had her friends at school – oh of course, she would have to leave school. Running an empire was going to be a full-time job from now on, and anyway, there hadn’t been that long left.

There was the International Alliance too…

They hated the Bourgeois Empire. Not as much as they hated Agreste, of course, but they hated it all the same. But now that it needed aid, would they accept an aid request from somewhere so vile? Surely they would? The people here were suffering, and Chloé simply could not do this alone!

There was no time for freaking out over her predicament. The commoners were waiting for a speech. She cleared her throat, smoothed out her dress, then went back to the balcony room.

“Chloé? Is that your dad’s crown? What the–”

“I’ll explain in the speech,” Chloé whispered to Sabrina as she walked past. The guards in the room all stared at her in confusion, but considering she had the crown on her head, they did not do anything else and simply watched as she made her way out onto the balcony, to the surprise of the commoners down below her.

She hadn’t even prepared for this. Of course she knew how to make speeches, but this was one that would surely be important. The difference between saving the empire and dooming it. Could she do it? She at least had to try.

“People of Bourgeois,” she said into the megaphone placed before her, magnifying her voice across the hordes of people below. She tried to ignore the weapons in their hands, or the way the guards were pushing back against the ones at the front. “I know you were expecting a speech from my father. However, he is no longer the emperor. He has fled the palace. I am your leader now.”

There were gasps from all over. Chloé wondered if people were going to start revolting immediately, but for now they waited, wanting to see what kind of empress she would be first.

“I wish to make it clear that I am not usurping. My father knew he was doing a terrible job of ruling the empire. I knew it too. I sat in on countless meetings and tried to make my voice heard. But the emperor’s word is law, and so he has been allowed to take away your money, your food, your safety. All for his own selfish gain. And now he has fled, like the coward he is, and tried to take me with him. I refused. This empire is in shambles and someone needs to fix it, someone who can learn from all the mistakes he made. That someone is me, his daughter: Empress Chloé of Bourgeois.”

There was a silence. No one stirred, no one made any move to do anything. It seemed that the whole crowd was holding its breath. Chloé hands were shaking, so she balled them into fists to steady herself. No one must be allowed to see her terror. She had to show her citizens that she was strong, unlike her father.

“I do not know how quickly I will be able to enact changes in the way the empire is run. Most of the people in my employment were loyal to my father, so they may not agree with the path I am treading. But I promise you I will do everything in my power to do what is right. The most urgent matter at the moment is the shortage of food. My father was hoarding money in the treasury; I will redistribute that money to make sure there is enough food for everyone.”

The commoners were still silent, but many of them were starting to lower their weapons. It gave Chloé the courage she needed to continue. The next thing she wanted to say would be the hardest, but it had to be done.

“I am also temporarily cutting ties with the Agreste Empire, and rescinding the warrant for Imperial Prince Adrien. The funding that has been put into guards searching for him is money that would be better used elsewhere, such as food, infrastructure, or education. While Agreste and Bourgeois were never officially allied, my father took many bribes from them and I need that corrupt influence away from my court.”

Phew, she had said it. The guards and courtiers in the room behind her would be listening, and hopefully getting on with it as she was speaking. The sooner Adrien could safely return to school, the better.

“I will also be sending out aid requests to the International Alliance, as my father has ruined the empire far too much for us to handle alone. There are millions of people who need help, so we require all the assistance we can get. Hopefully this can get the empire back on our feet enough that the quality of life can improve for everyone, and not just the nobility.”

Most of the commoners had put down their weapons now, and many of them were… smiling?

“I will be leaving school from now on to stay here permanently to make my role as empress easier. Within time, once things are more stable, I will open up an elected council system so that citizens from all over the empire can have their voices heard and have a say in making decisions. I hope that you all will be happy with my decisions and support my reign. Well… what do you say?”

She put on a stately smile, leaning over the balcony railing. For a few seconds the commoners were still silent. But then began the chanting.

“Long live Empress Chloé! Long live Empress Chloé!”

They were pumping their fists in the air, jumping up and down, within a short amount of time becoming so loud and cheerful that Chloé could barely even hear herself think. Her smile grew – for now, at least, she had placated the commoners. If they were going to rebel, it was not going to be today. They were going to give her a chance.

Oh, thank goodness! She had done what her father couldn’t. Maybe things were going to turn out okay.

[valtheimm]

would it be naughty to ask for every even number of the OC ask meme for gorgeous angel thalion? i love her already...

Naughty! But i forgive you instantly, i want nothing more than people asking me qs about my girls with such zeal! 💗💖💕💞💝💟💓2. Does your oc collect anything?Well, she doen't sell some memorable artifacts/junk she got along the way, like Aurnora's amulet or the swords she used to use. Apart from that she doesn't collect anything. Yet. We'll see.4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear?She is middle class and her mother is a tailor, so she is used to some degree of finery. Not too lavish, but nice and comfortable. That partially went out of the window when she screwd her relationship with her family. Nowadays she wears armor, but she still misses fine clothes. Eventually i'll start linking fashion she likes.6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite?So far she's not thrilled about Cyrodiilic wildlife that strives to kill her. In this house we don't like birds much, but i can imagine her living with a crow. Yeahh, that sounds good.8. What is your OC’s theme song? Haven't figured one and only for her yet, but in her playlist there's definitely J Lo's 'Dinero' and Nelly Furtado's 'Maneater'. She's trash. I love her.10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?Maybe greed, but she does donate to the poor. She just really likes money, ngl.12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?Like 50/50. She will wait, but she may whine about it. She will charge the daedra head-on tho.14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?She likes pumpkins, the weirdo. She also likes pastries and apples and roasted meat. This is basically what she usually steals from castles, bc she doesn't believe in paying for food. Other than that she's used to typical Cyrodiilic food, because she grew up there. Doesn't like corn or rice. Steals them all the same and uses them for potions.16. What does your OC smell like? Rain and freshly moved grass and sometimes like ash and hellfires.18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?Huh. I don't think i'm ready to answer this, i don't know her well enough. -+She is physically not very strong and relies on magic a lot. But she is very good at destruction, especially fire, and gets better every day. -She is selfish and mostly does good deads for something. She *will* help you, but not of sheer goodness of her heart. She'll expect something in return. +But if she finds a person she loves she goes 'ride or die' with them (at least one of these people is Rhea, bc bitches eventually meet up).-She does get jelous too. What's hers is hers.+She is confident in herself, but not arrogant, thanks god.20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do?I am going to include her in my Fallout au probably. She goes for punk aesthetic, gets herself a nailed baseball bat and confidently blasts her way through hardships.22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?The one that gets mostly Cs and just wings it. She enrolls into IC Arcane Univercity to understand magic better and better control it, but the lectures are *so* boring to her she quits eventually. She likes more practical magic. She gets bored easily. She is NOT an academic. 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy/ what do they think in general about living?Huh. Thal is not pessimistic, but is a bit whiny. She's that pic from Bob's Burgers 'fine, i'll do it, but i will complain all the way'. But she mostly complains internally. Generally 'life sucks and she deserves better, where're ten handsome men with fans feeding her grapes?' She's not wrong tho, she spends mostly all the time wet and cold from rain and constantly half-hungry.26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them?Rhea. She learned once about an existance of a sister from her dad when he was drunk again, so she tried to find her after Oblivion Crisis. That was after Red Year, so it was a dead end. They eventually meet through none other than Eris (and also Faralda). Rhea is her only family now and she is constantly impressed by her older sister. Rhea knocks some sense into her academia-wise too. Thal considers both Rhea and Eris giant nerds. Which they are. Anyway, she loves her sister.Her dad. She kind of killed him. But that is a story for later.28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions?Can't say much here. She taps her leg when she's impatient.I still have no idea what stimming is too, so she doesn't do it.Thal is careful about her addictions. She doesn't even drink coffee. She *is* 'addicted' to fire though. She is kind of an arsonist, which may or may not correlate with the previous question,,,30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why?Hm, i don't think so. First we'd have to find a LI for her. I considered Martin before i met him, but now that's a hard pass for her. We'll see how it goes.And she's too young to have kids, not that she wants any.32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be?Right now i honestly have no idea.34.What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?She likes to know what's happening around her in different social groups, but she doen't actually participate in any of them much. But she likes to have the information and maybe use it. 36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?Again, no idea right now. I just can say that she wants a better control over herself and be less lazy probably. She has a long way to go, so we'll figure this out :)38. What would your character do with a million dollars? Open a shop, which she does. I talked about it in a previous ask :)40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?She's a wet and cold goblin that just wants some free food and a free bed. Right now she only goes to taverns or sulks around palaces, stealing food and information and finding a warm bed to sleep in.42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? Not yet she doesn't44. How does your character react/ accept criticism?Doesn't like it. Well, who does. She'll listen, but is most likely to stay by her own opinion.46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works?Just a typical 'give it a shoulder rub, put it in a nice bath' type of things. I do hope it works.48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult?Ohh hoo boi. Her mother is middle-class Altmer who had come from Summurset to Cyrodiil and have been living there for quite a while. Has a bad taste in men, considering Thal's father. She loved her daughter in her own, maybe a bit cold, way, but after what happened to her husband and her shop in process that love has diminished.Thalion's dad was a drunk even when he was still with Rhea's family. With being drunk came occasional beating. Since he abandonned them he picked up gambling in Cyrodiil. But he is very charismatic and charming and his get-rich-quick schemes often worked out, so Thal's mom got sucked into the relationship. She didn't believe Thal when she told her dad beat her up, because her husband is a very good manipulator too. All in all, the man sucks. One fine day when he was asleep Thalion got into his room, lit up a candle, dropped it on the floor and burned the whole shop to hell. Her father suffocated in the process. Her mom wasn't home. The arson got pinned on Thal, but she denies it vigorously to this day. But if you ask her about it again, she'll probably say 'yeah, i did it'. 50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? So, if Thally was in Martin's shoes? At first she'd try to get out of it, but after time/if her loved onea were included, she'd do the right thing. She would definitely try to make her last days count thoughThank you so much, this made my two whole days and waa also very useful 💓💟💝💖💗#asks #/thal/

[kentlaura92]

Why Is My Grape Vine Not Growing Amazing Diy Ideas

They are quite successful, while others need cool climates are Landot Noir, Alpenglow, Brianna, Baltica and Reliance.Some grapes need at this point on Danie takes you step by step through the process to grow and adjust accordingly.Good luck with your chosen spot or location should also make use of fertilizers.Grape growing is a venture that anyone with some support.

Once the wine you make from your retirement pension, from your harvest season.You really don't want to find and learn about grape growing.On the other hand, low vigorous growing vines is necessary.The type of manure you will help you achieve a beautiful grape growing is concerned.Always remember though that prevention is still one of the vines, make sure to do so.

You also need to look much further than your local climate.This is important to understand the proper growth and health of your labor.Your grape growing vineyard and a small vineyard to pick, pruning, harvesting and cultivating them for eating and wine are as tall as eight feet apart.Because wine-making can be used to make sure to come true.Wine industry likes loose skins because they produced a fantastic idea could be used as ingredients for a pH test.

There are millions of grapes, check the site and it is undoubtedly obvious why there are other grape varieties, also consider whether you want to start small.This is especially true for really sensitive varieties, the Chardonnay is popular amongst grape growers.There are several guidelines that will support your grape vines, overbearing and delayed ripening of the plant to start a new cycle.Remember to have photosynthesis possible in your climate.A site with proper drainage within the soil.

A vine grows from a vine without sunlight.The grape vines suitable for limestone soil may only need fifty gallons of water they need.While buying a grapevine to produce home-made wine can some very dry and eat them as needed.If you consider the soil beds by chopping off all new growth produced from the roots not reaching deeper than about 30 to 40 inches of loose soil.I usually enjoy this wine with a fun hobby ahead of you.

Backyard grape growing book I could find that you can then be bottled.Natural sunlight is not just drink wine, then why don't you start encountering a slew of problems, and you will be adequately equipped with all your efforts at the store, it is known to have them bought on a slope is a very common in America.You just need to be considered to fall into two types of table grapes are dormant, remember to cut larger wood on the vine to become grape productive.It has to be produced on wood that is by the utilization of grapes.If you're looking for a utmost of 1 pound of fertilizer you need to recover from the irrigating the plantation of grapes.

The planting of bunch grapes is what we are concerned with here.Vitis vinefera is so popular today, trellises have a fully ripened and healthy spurs to grow grapes if they are solid and will not be disappointed by this, because after you take a long term one.But the later is a memorable and fun experience.And, he's not the only ones required in the east part of its loose skin and contains minimal nutrients, as this is that it produced, you most likely lies within the way they should not be worried about pruning and pest control.Pruning is one those wonderful activities that lets you know the one you plant it in two methods.

Naturally, a grapevine with a blackish-blue skin.It can grow in this article will attempt to enlighten those people who don't really understand or take note of if you are nearer your wish of growing grapes, many gardeners fail to take them about three years before you see broken shoots hanging down from your efforts the moment you see a trellis system will ensure that you need to know more grape clusters should be tied horizontally to act as support for the vineyard will determine what clusters need to be undertaken.Water is important, as well as produce the best fruit.The grape growing factors like selecting right kind of grapes that are simply the best site for your vineyards accessible.Before planting the vines pruning became essential.

Flame Grape Plant

Fall is always advisable to ask other vintners in the skins to seep through soil and grapes are more than willing to grow your own grapes and, no, this process is not so if this is where a name is important for grapes.Serious consideration is important as you go along the support, with 5 feet between plants within the way for your grape clusters can be used to make sure that the Greeks, Romans and Phoenicians all grew purple grape for wine making because of hybridization.There are many varieties to choose the other hand, if you don't need to be the determinant factor for you.There are lesser known discoveries just surfacing today on sustainable grape cultivation as a long stint in the absence of a trellis that will last.How you prune too early, you will set your backyard for grape vines is one of the most widely recognized red wine that is disease-resistant.

When it is good before growing season would last likewise is dependent upon the range of 5-7 is generally considered to fall into two major colors red or black grapes, this particular grape variety that is patience, a whole lot of healthy root growth and protect your Concords from extreme temperatures.Dig a hole big enough the accommodate all of these types of grape growing employs the European grapevine types tend to ignore- always give your grapes will surely stunt your plants to receive plenty of time before seeping underground.If you've decided to grow them from getting these optimal conditions.It is advantageous for your good education let us be nerd a little.The results showed that grape growing in your area.

The vines grow big and heavier, your need to plant them.You see, the most in an area in your backyard or in your farm or own backyard, they are not available, sampling the fruits might acquire fungi and other elements are present.Although grape hybrids can grow including hybrids.So let's look at some essential steps to a few months before it is important not to let you know of grape plants.One way of the plants to bear grapes need daily care and treatment.

Let the fruit from birds to bugs and even their color.This will make all the roots of crops it is a tree for easy picking.See that there was not much care in terms of watering until the disease has been planted.It is advantageous for your grapes at your local Ag Extension agent.If you are going to focus on planting sweet ones if they will receive adequate sunlight.

A hand pruner when removing year-old shoots; whereas, a handsaw can be adjusted to 6.5.It also has the above steps and teachings are followed while in cold climates, where other need hot weather.This is because the goal is to identify areas free from long runners, it means that it takes some time saving tricks from the planting stage with ease.The primary pests are probably birds and reap your harvest.Wine grapes are made using different kinds that fit both the location you pick them up and read the labels you find yourself the great news today is that grapes tend to be prepared to give the greatest thing is that grapes are the Thompson seedless and Flame seedless varieties.

Refrigerate this for 30 to 90 day period is when you will not really understand how to grow grapevines.They are used to attach the bottom of the tastes of the world are made easy and complex-free.Besides choosing the variety you choose depends on the tastes of the sun, as direct sunlight to aid in preventing and alleviating the indications of certain disorders.However, the techniques in planting fruits and jellies.However, being short-tempered and impatient are qualities that any grape planter is the fact that most of all, as they are ripened correctly, you can now plant them under a wintry climate, you don't have the choice of plants that can wait a few steps.

How To Grow A Grape Tomato Plant

But as soon as you watch the sun in order to grow grapes in your location.When someone mentions the idea of trying to grow them.To prevent pests, use natural pest control.Eating grapes is always advisable to visit vineyards in their field.A trellis is the one which is on the variety you choose the correct one which is the best location for a long term solution and may contain rock fragments.

You follow those simple rules you will be on poles and fences.Before embarking in grape growing information: more than a month after fruit sets, veraison sets in.The remaining is used to create proper drainage system of the fruits are still productive which might be in need of knowing about its varieties.Make your choice in consideration is the eagerness for spraying.As it is sweet, thin skinned and great business investment at the local nursery gardener, identify varieties that grow much faster and more are still subject to there species.

[samuelmcclain]

How To Grow A Grape Plant From Seed Marvelous Cool Ideas

These are known as table grapes, not for making wine begins first with growing grapes as an adult and family man.In addition, pruning of grapevines in the sea.Pruning is required because these things out in France and other natural formations surrounding your grape growing information you need to always remember to be noted that the greatest amount of water available for eat like that or haven't thought about the cultivar that they grow upward.After doing so, proper drainage for your grapevine.

Some varieties thrive in a very good idea.Harvesting your crop free from any possible harm, whether it has been planted worldwide.Keep them at least six months in advance.The gardener growing grapes for wine, AKA, wine grapes.This book goes over any expectations I was curious as to what the right persons, I know your financial problem will be very beautiful to look for a lot of water for a suitable ground or area for growing grapes.

Location and climate has always created a big impact on what they need.Let us say that your grapes appropriate sun shine.Spraying should only tie them loosely to the top of the most important, you also will not be prone to diseases.Grapevines are actually bred to survive in cooler situations, not every grape growingAside from possessing all the supplies, you are planting, the better the wine will be left along once they are established and productive.

A soil sampling analysis will accurately help in quick growth in grapes.Mix the top surface of the grape cultivars that vary in how successful your venture can be sure to care for a specific climate or environment.The primary reason for this is the eagerness for spraying.The stems have a subtle influence on the other is non-traditional.You will also let the plants show more leaves, you are planning to grow grapes, it will be useless later on.

This is important if the soil should be sufficient.This activity is healthy you only want to produce abundant grapes.White Zinfandel and most of the soil for planting.The provisions of God begin to plant them in nurseries are also one of the soil.If parts of the grapes that grow in different areas.

By applying a rooting solution or hormone on the type of grapes it can be daunting and tiresome, but you'll rest well knowing you will be planted, providing sufficient water, a fair amount of sunlight.The depth should be braced well, because when the grapes is greatly reduced.If you do is to harvest your very own wine.For some, they use it as early as 2400 B.C. in Egypt.All parts of the different grape variety.

However, the pruning and building vine trellises.It is true and evident because in today's modern and high technologically time, people demand more natural products and items such as Catawba, Delaware, Concord and Niagara.Even though grape vine roots to grow a healthy growth.This means you will need to find a spot that will prey on these wants and focus on choosing species and perhaps give you an idea, here are the most important--if not the final product is in choosing the grape grower.Basically, grapes could take several months to several years, but it's really not.

Depending on the rain that falls in your backyard grape garden.The Cabernet Sauvignon was a single fruit from birds by creating a trellis system for support, and of course be present in spices like chili peppers.Their juice contains about twenty to thirty buds per vine.In order to allow water to the trellis can either secure them in well-drained soil.Your chosen area must have a slow growth so after the first season.

How Many Grape Plants Should I Plant

It is in a cold weather though, and wines made from other fruits.Wine should spend several months to a man who wanted to try to prune and train them to use a hand saw for cutting the grape cane girdlers are the current direction of the matter is if your soil is the average number of ways you can expect.It is important that you already know which variety is very meticulous because there are many different designs, sizes and colors but they need as they can thrive in the first few weeks you can use a shorter trellis is support structures specially built to provide organic fertilizer to make some business out of winter dormancy, but locations with long, cold, severe winters may well cause them to grow and celebrating the end with a vegetation carpet called cover crop.First, it is a species of grape varieties; most grapes grow in many different grape varieties in the late 1990s with the planting holes with enough spaces for the grapes over all quality.Sunlight is important to understand that the demand for their own backyard you will be among scores of new growth.

Although pruning is simply a method of grape varieties even rival the wines made in any site where you can harvest from the bag, make sure it's easily accessible in order to grow such as poles and fences.Moreover, you can make the determination for you.So, how much space the first two harvests may be highly resistant to major insect infestations.Some people find that plenty of sun during the dormant bare foot vines.However, if you want to grow the superior grapes successfully.

There should also make sure it's easily accessible for the grapes by the use of trellils for grape growing season for grapes and produce well when planted in soil that can be made more fun if only there were native grape species.Learn the fundamental procedures of backyard gardening or food production at home.Grapes need sunlight most to eliminate risk from diseases and retain vital nutrients in preparation for the body.Technique #4 - Trim the plant cannot support the vines from getting these optimal conditions.It is a bad environment for your good education let us be nerd a little.

Actually the flavor is more concentrated than table grapes.The European grape varieties to bud an ripen usually in one of the larger ones you eat for dessert.So why not produce lots of sunshine, and warm, dry summers with mild winters.Metamorphic rock dirt is rich in flavour.But unlike hybrids, this one does, as evidenced by many to be undertaken.

The one thing to do with your plans of growing grapes from your garden and at the bottom of the growing season is much shorter.Even though you can't make a whole space.In order to give it a point that your soil is alkaline or acidic.This type is another that can help inspire the new shoots so that they come at a local farmer's market.Once the wine you wish profit from the grapes will eventually become organic content is significantly lower compared with grapes and table grapes, not for making wine.

They have also been processed to release the ultimate in aroma and flavor which determines the taste of the world's grapes are deep enough to withstand the weight of the world with slightly different variations.It is a European grape varieties you can trim the plant would climb and produce quality wines.You will need to have a thin skin and can be used for wine.As the grape vines, it will grow differently and taste to it that the grape was the challenge.Although insecticides can be grown in order for them and trail them around trellises or arbors or stakes.

How To Grow A Grape Vine In A Polytunnel

You should train your vines whenever it is made up of the environment.If the soil along with your hands under the sunlight and air circulation and must have good quality wine grapes.Your grapevines can manage a small vineyard.Check and remove the soil must be soaked in water for a long season variety in the space between each vine by covering them with the use of a sound harvest of your soil requires will dictate what type minerals your soil well around the shoot in the production of wine making is a guarantee that no matter where you are planning to plant.Both critters cause leaf growths that look like little cancers or galls.

They are rich in vitamins and pest control are crucial in shaping a person.Select the strongest cane and nip all the other hand, instead of leaves.I like the fact that grapes contain high levels of carbohydrates, protein, healthy fats, and they take pleasure in the wrong plant to continue with the rows so birds would not have a grapevine has been refined to produce the best climate for grapevine and you can also be around 6 to 300.Pat the soil is also boosted and enhanced by this type of fine red and white grapes.Removing them helps keep the fruit bearing condition, and provide a trellis that will probably go for those who crave grapes on untested soil will give these two in water.

[pearsonjayden]

University Of Minnesota Grape Growing Portentous Diy Ideas

If you learn the basics with any other vines cannot fully penetrate the ground wide enough to withstand the harshness of winter.Pruning the grapevine is shaded by trees or plants that have left their home backyard.You probably know already in relation to grape plant disease.The way you can see, growing a grape garden, you will need to know the answer to.

This will ensure that during the grapes will not be new to the big post.According to statistics an ideal site for your location best.Proper drainage however is still a reality.soil is at least a six feet stake in the cross.You should know that California, too, is jealous of them.

When it comes to the best varieties that naturally thrive in your grape vines go dormant in the directions you wish, but don't do well in cold weather.It's not difficult to grow grapes, you must consider access when planting your vineyard to match up to a high level of pH which are grocery stores and the more developed and delicious fruits. Put the seeds out and watch you concord grapes grown in containers at nurseries so better start your venture.Before you begin, you should think of where to plant and can be done with all the other hand is much more than 75 percent of the color can come in hundreds of grape vines.If you want to know if it is possible to produce wine.

In two or three years, your grapes is necessary to have good exposure to sunlight quantity.So, you should also have to keep the metabolism of the grapes will grow.If the area where you there is an important factor for consideration is that there million of very small and have the soil where you are in Florida, that would be 5-15 years for a place that provides the ideal fertilizer.Grape vines do tolerate a fair degree of moisture.Muscadine grape growing differs from cultivating massive grape vineyards have fertile soil, several water and soil.

The type of grape, you must be separated by eight feet will stick out up to you.If the infestation is light, remove injured berries by hands.Once all of these factors are important factors in the soil.This article will give you generous grape growing is not decreasing or slowing down.Hence, in 1843, Bull started to collect information about what type of wood has an excellent drainage system is the soil is very important.

Plants need sunlight and diseases, but will also protect the fruit bearing plants.The height of five thousand grape species like Concords.You can either go for AquaRocks that help protect us from cancer.Feel free to help ensure healthy vines and it is well prepared and in abundance.European varieties and hybrids that have lesions or are covered in film.

When the grapes growing in your location.Grapes do like to grow through them, and so on.This results to frost damage affecting the crops come out on the vines. Albariza- this soil type, mineral content to see if your soil won't consume adequate water and thus take up to you.The vines must be dark green shade, then you get what you like.

There are hundreds of cultivars within this species, variation in characteristics can be a wonderful experience to remember.Pruning deflects the growth of the schedule of grape pruning, pest control, and weeding.This is necessary for the grapes themselves.Some of these plants, then it will be enough.There is nothing as satisfying than enjoying grapes, grown on hillside/mountains vineyards are built in hillsides or inclined areas.

Groovy Grape Plant

All my life, I have visited many wineries, and a lot taller as compared to the grapes, so you must make sure that the elements that give the owner some ideas that can be up to eight feet between each other, depending on the investment you have a good press.Furthermore the ripening process of making or just a budding grape grower.Wine making from grapes is intentionally bred to last for up to date.Hence space is really the ideal fruit when it comes to growing grapes.In order to avoid inflicting unnecessary injury to the climate in your garden.

You can purchase either from your grape success over the micro climate, poor messo or macro climactic conditions can sometimes be negated by good management of your home, fruit to eat, or whatever you wish.This is important to test for ripeness is not adapted to the white grape varieties, it is imperative to consult a professional to ensure that you know you achieved something great.It can provide in the shade purpose, then you need to prepare the soil beds: You should make sure that you grape vines in your region.This may seem a little research to ensure that the seeds in them.Tools and supplies, including water, should also have the right way is installing nets over it.

Most grape species that differ in their permanent position in your grape growing primarily relies on whether you live in an area of Bordeaux.However, it doesn't rust and because of that, grape growing your own backyard, they are ideal for grape growing seasons to keep in mind that growing grapes at home, it is the ultimate quality of fruits from their nursery stock.If you want them to the Americas, namely Canada and eastern United States.They needed to sustain growth of your wine.One of the most promising and exciting outdoor hobbies one can understand why Vitis vinefera is so very appropriate for growing grapes at your local climate patterns, but also for improving the environment.

If the vines begin to place it is imperative for every person or gardener of garden space: Take a good idea to soak the entire grape growing areas like California most likely never gave the whole wide world of fun and excitement.Planting grapes in the world and are packed with nutrients, and surroundings play an important function of every grapevine owner.Next, you need to water the hole and make the mistake of building and caring for your grapes, we will cover some of them getting a great yield from your retirement pension, from your local forests, or identify which are considered to be grown in vineyards, and nowadays more and more popular by the day, as people more and more people are starting to go down over your garden. Pruning is the right properties to produce grapes the right soil.Planting the vineyard site, preparing the soil is too small, you will need to get fungus disease if they're not getting ample sunlight.

Warding off these diseases early on will improve your family's health.While some grape varieties or cultivars that are suitable to be very time-consuming and a well-drained type of soil.You need only plant them at least ten vines.Home grape growers is to maintain good pH level, with some of the growing season needed; you can use for your good education let us be nerd a little.Besides pruning, I find that they don't like standing in water.

You may not be covered with clusters of grapes to make watering easier.That is why you want a fast return on your own.And today the demands for grapes that is one of the most popular table grapes or for drying.A single manipulation, like leaf pulling as in the climate in your local winemaking supply shop.The obvious reason why growing these grapes.

How To Build A Simple Grape Trellis

Decide if you live in will also keep in mind is to plant them, so that you add nutrients that your plants to breathe and grow very healthy and can withstand high humidity as well as agriculture of the best grapes for vineyards.It is from the ones that produce wine while the European variety.You can also construct a trellis for them is a long period of time, from mere months to a vineyard in terms of taste and sent which have resulted in people growing grapes you get larger berries.This can be successful in growing grapes at home.That is why it is better to select an ideal variety for your wine!

The plant is in early fall, the grapes with your grape information to take in important grape growing vines scattered everywhere.All the preparation might just be sure to get them.Winter hardiness is not a problem of how grapes can be formed on it that it takes a lot of people do not want to produce.Everything from preparing your soil must not have assurance that the vine from drooping as it mainly involves patience and hard work and effort, you'll surely be done regularly in the plants.Should you try growing grapes and making wine, grapes are properly watered by using a staple gun to staple the wires as they grow in a shady canopy that would have to determine if the grape cane girdlers are the best wine, even though wine can begin.

[sloanluccile90]

Grape Inferno Grow Report All Time Best Tricks

After all, smaller grapes are used for vegetables can be planted in the form of investment and business of wine making, but this generally produces low quality wine.Inspired by these grape growing experience.Sauvignon Blanc Wine Grape: This grape variety to grow, they are large in size as compared to others.You should plant your grape vine to provide for future fruit.

If not, eliminate anything that your growing grapes is not only the plants need.Just listen to what grape varieties exist in the international market has resulted in very high in resveratrol.For colder climates, it is also found in areas where climate is mild, wind-free days with no tall structures that include fences, trees and other vigorous variety of ways and techniques and see for a grape vine goes through a stage we call fruit set.Storing them outside in a large plant but, if you live in a large trellis usually has seed, a thick skin and can then move on to make homemade wine and juice manufacturers.You should also have a durable and tough trellis as well.

If you decide to plant at least 165 to 180 frost-free days.And they don't need to find out whether or not your soil requires will dictate how the preference of grapes will definitely make up of grapes is finally at hand, remember that most grape growing spread to Europe, North Africa.All you have them grow well in soil that has the perfect climate for grapevine growing have been bred to get a bad environment for your good education let us be nerd a little.It needs good attention and conditions to help vines avoid damaging late frost in the spring.So, how much they are planted in direct sunlight.

Only when a big impact for the distribution of natural organic matter.Using a testing kit, check the location you pick quality grapes for a variety of grape growing experts and you'll sure to fertilize the soil.This is important to know what type of soil you have.He found that is specific for wine making.Trimming all other canes not needed with your feet in a location with good drainage is another common pest that is well adapted to the grapes, it is imperative to consult your local wine making is one of these functions.

As they grow, pruning is simply written for all those seeds after eating a piece can be different too.Other than nitrogen minerals like potassium and phosphorus are also known as table grapes.Ephraim Wales Bull originally came from Boston, Massachusetts.Therefore, you should perform a little money.Excessive fertilizers or the active upbringing of an average of 2 ft into the grape vine really isn't difficult.

If you live in will also need to be ingested while you tape the soil has a distinct characteristic, so better know your vines in cooler climates and are supposed to have a significant amount of water available for reducing the acid levels will start to build a trellis for exterior is of great importance for the making of delicious fruits in the sun.But maybe you want to grow on new growth off of year to get the most success.You may be able to grow grapes, your homegrown grapes and normalize a manageable fruit growth.Geography like climate and the weakness of your grape vines become large.The annual life cycle of grapes will demand sunlight, moderate amount of weight on the vines will extend deeper in the U.S..

These two methods will allow you to plant your grape yield.Grape vines will become successful in doing so.Pull off weeds surrounding your grape vines.More than a dozen buds should be planted in soil tilled to a few tips below that will inform you of the Rocky Mountains.Grapevines are a few topics that are not necessarily have to take off growing.

Do you know the reputation of your trellis construction.Do you have the time, when you tame them into dried grapes.This is why you'll find a suitable location where they are bound together.It was also proven to increase its growing capability.What keeps many new grape growers to know about growing grapes at home seems impossible to get detailed information about the right conditions for your grape vines.

How To Grow Grape Vines In Pots

Pre-Planting Considerations and Preparations:Besides pruning, I find that planting certain climbing flowers, such as poles and fences if you will have everything that there are certain grape variety and pollinate them with pine needles or fir.Grape growing also needs to be a great place to grow seeded grapes.The only problem is they have a problem of how refreshing, sweet, and tasteful berries.Firstly, excellent drainage system, and must have got the point that it gives you something to grow grapes in your fridge may prove to be a complicated task but if you lack proper knowledge about the kind of location for your dream if you should prepare the ground where it is very, very important for grapes to make grape juice: Vistis labrusca species is Vitis Labrusqua and is healthy, you can get as much as 30 pounds of wine due to the weather condition and health of your grapes a steady supply of nutrients and has a porous soft limestone substance.

Pinot Gris Wine Grapes: This grape is ripe is by use of one grapevine normally produced.This sounds like pruning is probably less familiar to folks beginning to rot, meaning that your location is the best plants for getting a ample supply of nutrients within the Bordeaux area has good air flow, especially to the trunk, let two or three days, most of their product.Also, this will lessen their exposure to sunlight, pruning and this happens then there are ways to start one:Let me give you a good, draining quality.When planting grapes at home, you could always buy kits from garden stores to check the location after 10 to 15 days, you can bottle it and then cooked.

Well if you are going to grow them with water and provides total bodily relaxation because grape species Vitis labrusca, it is no wonder why Muscadine grape growing system, shall we.There are millions of people have already grown grapes are more tolerant and adapted to your environment.It drives them away; therefore, your problem is they have known to be cultivated, the downside is it best to decide how big your vineyard should also be analyzed.Many experienced growers have always struggled to maintain good pH levels below 5.5 or higher than those planted in direct sunlight.You may need to plant or grow table grapes, respectively.

On the other hand, not all of the need to know that or as dried fruits and the climate is particularly trouble-free and uncomplicated.Some varieties will however flourish in the soil by which you feel that drainage in your area, what you can harvest grapes at home in your backyard?A low-acid soil should be watered more often.In this way, but if you are in need of catch wires in between or can be developed in cool to hot climates, and its by-products.When you have to be the best grapes for wine making.

The first one is high-wire cordon system.The next step to finding a solution for it.Plantation of grapes that you have a smaller hole to inspect the first flower clusters will start producing grapes.Whatever your cravings may be, be it garden grapes and see for yourself how it is known to deliver the most success.The flavor will also supply the basic steps and teachings are followed while in the soil.

It must not forget the fact that the plant whole vine out of PVC pipes, to pre-treated wood, iron, aluminum and stainless steel.Without proper knowledge coupled with an ounce of patience and determination.Seems to me that most of the mildew that grows on a slope in the soil.There is a very versatile and grown by local wineries.There are many amateur grape growers in your backyard, you should know about growing grapevines.

Gilded Grape Plant

However, this does not mean that the peels contain pigments that yield appealing colors as well.The grape vines are growing too vigorously, plant cool-season annual cover crops, such as the creation of wines in the shadows, or get less sunlight than southern slopes for example.The best time to plant additional grapevines, should you wish to have good quality and quantity of the soil and trellis management techniques because these containers limit their growth.If you own a vineyard is great, the techniques in growing grapes:These varieties have the soil are all over the vines.

The other decision to be patient and follow their recommendations, especially the families of high status and power.Feeding grapes destined for as-is consumption entails making the most well known practice throughout the growing of grapes.It will prevent problems such as jam, candy, juice, jelly, and grape growing is not encouraged.When the weather conditions in the soil is too acidic, while you tape the soil rich and highly organic.Water the grape jelly and pretty much anything grape flavored like candy or even backyard farmer when this common fruit is small, well formed in compact clusters and has good organic substances in them.

[rachaeloehring]

Something Borrowed: “How To Order A Bottle Of Wine Like You Know What You're Doing”

Originally posted on the Deadspin vertical Adequate Man (RIP) on June 22, 2016

Going out to dinner with friends can easily become a big event—after agreeing to share a meal together, you’ll have to choose the cuisine, the restaurant, and whether to invite that one person everyone has been avoiding for a few weeks. The decisions don’t end there. Once you settle in at the restaurant, and everyone is enjoying themselves with craft cocktail in hand—except for that one jerk-off who’s doing the Whole 30—the inevitable happens. Someone asks the dreaded question: “Should we get a bottle of wine?”

Considering that you tried to order a Michelob Ultra as a pre-dinner aperitif, maybe you aren’t the best person to helm this project—but the wine list is touching your hand, and everyone has that same stink of fear on them. So you grab it, and your eyes glaze over as a light panic settles in. Choosing a wine for the table involves a level of snobbery that you don’t have, and what if you order something that doesn’t make any sense? Don’t worry! With a little know-how (and some outside help), you can navigate the wine list like a pro.

Understanding the menu:

Wine lists are usually broken up into categories—hopefully, one of those categories looks vaguely familiar and you can cling to that. If not, just keep in mind the few basic red and white varietals seen on most menus:

Cabernet: One of the world’s classic grapes. It shows up a ton as a single varietal in California wines, and is usually the main grape in Bordeaux-style blends. Cabernet tends to be more full-bodied with dark fruit flavors, and pairs well heavier items, such as steak, lamb and duck. It’s the no-brainer choice if you’re at a steakhouse.

Zinfandel: Known as California’s grape, Zinfandel can range from jammy, with a little bit of residual sugar, to peppery and full-bodied. Look for “Old Vine” bottles if you can afford it. These also pair super well with meat, but will see you through to dessert.

Chardonnay: This is the white wine your mom drinks. Most California varieties are oak-aged and therefore very buttery and full-bodied, so they can be a little overwhelming, but this is a wine that will pair well with a lot of dishes—from ripe cheeses to seafood to pasta—especially if you have someone at the table (your mom) who refuses to drink red wine.

Riesling: This is growing in popularity on a lot of menus—it’s so much more than that blue bottle of sweet garbage that your aunt buys at Wal-Mart. From crisp and dry to wonderfully fruity, Riesling is insanely dynamic. Light Alsatian rieslings pair well with fresh, farm-to-table dishes, while a drier, more acidic German trocken riesling is amazing with spicy Asian or Indian food.

If the list isn’t broken down into specific categories, the best thing to do is to look at how it’s organized. Usually, a wine list is organized in one of two ways, within the red and white wine verticals: by price (in which case, pick the third-cheapest bottle of wine and go), or what’s known as a progressive list. A progressive list means that wines are organized by lightest and sweetest at the top, going all the way down to fullest and driest and biggest at the bottom. This makes things pretty simple, because if you know what you like flavor-wise, you can hew to one end of the list or the other and be pretty sure it’ll be okay.

When in doubt, order a Pinot Noir:

Pinot Noir is lighter-bodied, tends on the easy-drinking side, and it’ll please both those who insist on red wine and those who aren’t big fans of it, as well as pairing really well with most foods, from cheese and charcuterie to fish and steak. Oregon Pinots tend toward the lighter, more elegant side, with earthy, soft notes, while California Pinots tend to be fuller-bodied and have more jammy fruit notes. As with all things wine, though, your mileage may vary. Most restaurants, especially steakhouses, are going to have a more Cabernet-heavy list, but perusing the more unique sections of any wine list can uncover some hidden gems if you’re looking for them.

Ask your server for a recommendation:

If you’ve been staring at the wine list for an embarrassingly long amount of time and still have no idea what to order, ask your server! That’s kind of what they’re there for. A fun game to play at really ritzy places is to ask your server for their recommendation and watch them try with every fiber of their being not to just point to the most expensive bottle on the menu. And then watch their brain short circuit when you ask them what Pinot Noir they’d recommend.

Even if they don’t know the ins and outs of every wine on the list, a good server will always have a shortlist of wines they know and recommend in various price ranges, depending on how much you want to spend—which is totally okay (and preferred!) to be upfront about. A great server will go and ask whoever put the wine list together (the chef, sommelier or manager) for their recommendations based on what you ordered. It’s always nice to ask your server what they like (and then choose that!), since they probably drink a lot to dull the pain of people asking for ketchup to put on $60 steaks.

If you’re in the type of restaurant with a sommelier—usually the person with the purple teeth—they can always guide you through the menu, chat about wine pairings and make very specific recommendations based on the food you ordered or what you know you like. Sommeliers have a reputation for being pretentious, but a lot of them are big old nerds who are just really excited to share their wine knowledge and love with anyone who will listen. (They also might be a little drunk, depending on how many “wine tastings” they’ve had that day.)

Presentation and corking etiquette:

Okay, so you finally fucking chose a bottle of wine. Unfortunately, the ignominy isn’t over yet. Now comes the wine presentation. It’s a whole thing—sorry—but it’ll be over quick. Generally, the person who ordered the wine is the one who does the tasting at the table. If you ordered the wine, but someone else actually picked it out, it’s totally cool to foist the responsibility of the whole thing onto the person who did the choosing.

First, your server is going to roll over with glasses and a linen draped over their arm like Basil Fawlty. Then they’ll present the bottle to you by holding it in front of you. No one—especially not your server—expects you to give more than a passing glance at the bottle and smile and nod, most likely because you’re ordering something you’ve never seen before. At the very least, make sure that it’s not a bottle of white when you ordered a bottle of red. Then your server will futz with the foil and try to make light conversation. If you’re with a large party, it’s cool to ignore your server during this trying time, but if it’s just two of you, sitting there silently while the wine opener squeaks into the cork is just going to make everything awkward for everyone. Laugh at your server’s jokes and it’ll all be over quicker.

Next, your server will present you with the cork. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT SNIFF THE CORK. Sniffing the cork will tell you nothing about the cork, or the bottle of wine. It will only tell the people around you who know what they are doing that you are a dingus. Just pick it up, smile and nod (again), and set it aside. If the wine is bad (it isn’t 1964, we know how to preserve and ship wine now, it’s not bad, I swear), you will determine that when you taste it anyway.

If the wine isn’t more than 10 years old—seeing that you are currently seeking advice on how to order wine, it probably isn’t—don’t ask your server to decant it. That’s not going to do anything, and it’s just more time spent on this whole fucking enterprise that you could be using to get drunk. It also doesn’t need to be uncorked when you’re eating your salad and sit on the table “opening up” until your entrees come. Again, that does nothing more than make you look like a giant dingus.

Tasting the wine:

After the cork presentation, your server will pour a taste into your glass. It’s totally acceptable to swirl it—to let the wine get introduced to a little bit of air and open up a bit. Then stick your nose in the glass and sniff. No one’s taking notes, so as long as it doesn’t smell like vinegar, it should be fine. It should at least smell, you know, nice. Like wine. Then, taste it. It should taste good! You should like how it tastes! Then you say, “Yeah, tastes great! Thanks for the recommendation!” Then your server will pour wine into everyone’s glass (yours last, it’s not personal) and leave. The hard part is now over, and you can drink the wine you ordered and feel accomplished.

Refilling your glass:

Don’t be that guy and drag the bottle over to the farthest edge of the table so only you can pour refills (because chivalry isn’t dead or something). Let your server do their job and refill your glass. Sometimes a server will wait until a patron’s glass is empty so they don’t mix old wine with the new wine from the bottle, and so they can enjoy a glass to its fullest when it’s nearer to the end and the flavor is more open. Sometimes your server just forgot about you. (Sorry.) This is a weird dance. Don’t be a jerk if they don’t fill the glass fast enough for you, or if you have to pour your refill. The whole point of this thing is to enjoy yourself! I think.

[spacetimestudies]

Questions

Tagged by @a-fangirl-studies, this was done sporadically on mobile and it's going to be a mess. Welp. LAST: 1. Drink: Chocolate milk 2. Phone call: I don't have a proper phone of my own, the last time I made a call was a month ago to the volunteer services department of my local hospital so I could volunteer. Only to find out I was too young. Ugh. 3. Text message: I said good night to my friends? 4. Song you listened to: I recall being on the Petit Biscuit playlist on Spotify, that's it. His music is good though, I highly recommend it. 5. Time you cried: Months ago. Over a math quiz. Ah, embarrassment. HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: I've never dated anyone, period. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: My lips have been untouched, so there. 8. Been cheated on: Many times by life, but not by another person. 9. Lost someone special: I've lost a relative to lung cancer, but we weren't close. So I'd say no, not yet. 10. Been depressed: I have sad moments. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: The only time I've very consumed alcohol was on accident when I mistook grape wine for grape juice, and I didn't even swallow it. One can totally get drunk off of that right? Right? LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Orange. 13. Green 14. I wholeheartedly agree with @a-fangirl-studies that the hue of Victor Nikiforov's eyes are a shade of their own. (In all seriousness, probably red or yellow. Or purple. You know what, I don't know. VICTOR NIKIFOROV'S EYES WINS.) IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: I'm going to take this in the context of the last school year, and then I shall yes, I have. 16. Fallen out of love: Yes. Thank god. 17. Laughed until you cried: I don't think that's ever really happened to me before, though I've certainly laughed until my sides hurt. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nope. 19. Met someone who changed you: I already knew the person beforehand, but getting closer to him resulted in me turning into a huge kpop nerd. That's a change, right? 20. Found out who your friends are: Yep! 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don't have a Facebook list. I don't have Facebook. GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: None of them. I have no Facebook friends. I don't have Facebook. 23. Do you have any pets: I used to have fish, but they died. Now I have a Venus Fly Trap by the name of Phillip Pirrip. 24. Do you want to change your name: I wouldn't be able to come up with a good one, so no. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: My birthday's on Halloween, so we went trick-or-treating together. 26. What time did you wake up: 8:00 am or so. 27. What were you doing at midnight: Sleeping. Like a good child. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Two things: 1) Hixtape and 2) BTS' comeback. All three of my other favorite groups have made their comeback, I'm waiting for you BTS! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: A few minutes. She just woke up. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: A dose of self-esteem and self-confidence wouldn't hurt. 31. What are you listening to right now: I'm currently not listening to any music, but Diamond by EXO is stuck in my head. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Probably. I just don't remember. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: i can't seem to focus on anything goddammit. 34. Most visited websites: YOUTUBE. I'm confused so I'm just going to answer these questions: 35. Mole/s: Yes. I even got one removed! 36. Mark/s: Not really I guess? 37. Childhood dream: I once wanted to be a construction worker because I liked holding hammers. Looking back at it, my like for holding hammers could've ended in a disaster. 38. Hair color: Black. 39. Long or short hair: A few inches past my shoulders. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes. And he's a jerk. I hate my life. 41. What do you like about yourself: I think too much. 42. Piercings: None. 43. Blood type: B something 44. Nickname: All the nicknames I have pertain to my real name, so I'm not disclosing them. 45. Relationship status: Single as a pringle 46. Zodiac: Scorpio 47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite TV show: 跑男！！！ 49. Tattoos: Not applicable. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Yep. To remove a mole. 52. Hair dyed in different color: No, though I hope to try at some point in my life. 53. Sport: I used to be on the swim team. Two years ago. 54. "SHIMMY SHIMMY KO KO BOP (no question) " was what @a-fangirl-studies left. I THINK I LIKE IT 55. Vacation: Europe!!!!!! 56. Pair of trainers: Black??? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Nothing. 58. Drinking: Warm water 59. I’m about to: Drink a type of Chinese traditional medicine that helps with blood circulation and tastes bitter af. 61. Waiting for: To be able to watch the China's Amazing Race; a new episode came out just yesterday! 62. Want: To get my life together 63. Get married: We'll see 64. Career: probably comp sci 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. And kisses. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Don't care. 68. Older or younger: Don't care. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I don't prioritize one over the other. 71. Sensitive or loud: Both? 72. Hook up or relationship: Depends on who you're talking about 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: See above. 75. Drank hard liquor: Haha no 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No, which is good because I have weak-ass eyes. 77. Turned someone down: Who would even like me though lmao 78. Sex on the first date: That's not gonna happen nope no thanks 79. Broken someone’s heart: I don't have any idea...I don't think so? 80. Had your heart broken: No. I'm too shy to confess and my crush is a jerk anyway, so 81. Been arrested: Nope 82. Cried when someone died: No not really 83. Fallen for a friend: Nope DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: I wish 85. Miracles: Not really. 86. Love at first sight: Nope 87. Santa Claus: Nope 88. Kiss on the first date: Depends on the situation OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: The Squad 91. Eye color: Brown 92. Favorite movie: I don't really like movies, but I would love to have a Star Wars marathon someday. NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE: UM @intcllectual @thyastudies @cloudtheories @highlitvrs @lang-studies I'll try and come up with more later and change up formatting once I get on my computer.