#i want them to prioritize me over the important things. it just makes me sad. whatever i am extremely lonely and looping debt by eliza mcla

[dakethumoses]

someday soon i will write a post abt the ... idk how to phrase it, which is why i haven't written it. handholding? of people just disappearing and not replying and being gone for months. and i get it, i've done it too while having a Bad Time but there's this weird self-congratulatory "i'm not a caller. or texter. or facetimer. i think of you sometimes and if you're not psychic that's on you" "i have no relationship decay so even if i dont talk to you for months i still love you" avoidant behavior posts and it just. idk.

[vasito-de-leche]

Hi! If request still open, could you do a romantic hcs for Click from reverse 1999 please?

;R1999 CLICK - Relationship Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons about Click in a romantic relationship.

I haven't thought much abt Click but hmmm - now I'm kinda intrigued after looking through his voicelines and story! ty for the ask, nonnie!

Fandom led me to believe Click was just the a sad and wet little shy introvert victim of the horrors but now I'm willing to say that there's a little more nuance to that - his behaviour is muted and calm, but many of his voicelines point towards a very daring and fearless personality.

One of them states how he was never even afraid of landmines in the first place, and we also have to take into account the fact that his job requires a lot of courage. He also has no problem prioritizing a picture, regardless of what people might think or say - or the trouble he could get into.

In the context of romance, Click is quite a breeze of fresh air - despite having little to no experience in relationships, he's naturally curious and straightforward in his own muted, calm way. Very inquisitive when it comes to learning the ropes, finding out more hidden facets of his partner and also learning about his own. There's no ulterior motives, no ungodly amount of emotional baggage - Click is very genuine and direct.

I do think he'd be pretty dense when it comes to people flirting with him, with compliments and subtle pick-up lines flying right over his head. Click is very insightful when it comes to photography, always taking beautiful shots that just display all the beauty that surrounds him - but he's still somewhat oblivious to certain things, especially if they're related to romance. Don't take it personally if all you get is a simple thanks after showering him in compliments!

On the subject of Click realizing he has a crush.

As a photographer, he focuses on the small details - and so, it would take a long time for him to notice the big picture.

Why is his portfolio full of things that remind him of you? He doesn't understand why he keeps freezing up whenever he talks to you. Normally, he'd have no trouble asking people for a photoshoot, why can't he bring himself to ask you all of a sudden?

But as soon as Click realizes he has a crush, he's quick to act on his feelings and confront you directly - photography has taught him to never let any sensational moments pass. No matter where you are or what you're doing, you'll find Click right beside you, having manifested out of thin air, insisting that he has something important to tell you. He feels like you should know what he's feeling, and so he tells you right away.

It's not necessarily a proper confession in his eyes, at least he didn't confess with the intention of getting you to date him or find out what you feel in return - it's more so the polite thing to do, both for himself and for you, the object of his affections. This is also as far as he's planned. The moment those words leave his mouth, Click would simply bid you a good day and float away because he's just done with his business, there's no point in keeping you from going about your day.

It's up to you to confront him right away or wait a few days - either way, you'll be met with an extremely surprised and somewhat flustered Click, who wasn't expecting an answer in the first place. He'll be somewhat timid during the first few months, but once he settles in the relationship you can expect him to be even more direct, interrupting conversations you have with people because he just really wants you to hang out with him and so on.

He loves when you look for him from across the room. He just loves knowing you're looking at him.

Because of his status as a ghost and his former job during the war, Click is used to blending in with the background to the point where it's become quite the habit - it's easy to forget he's in the room and he makes his presence as small as possible, as it allows him more freedom to roam and capture small, fleeting moments.

I wouldn't say that he's desperate to be seen or noticed, quite the contrary! His voicelines express that he feels much better now that he can just float around, be a fly and the wall, etc.

But he's always been the one observing others, not the one being observed - Click is not used to receiving this unique type of attention and affection, to be on the other side of the camera.

He stammers and grows extremely flustered when he realizes that you've taken pictures of him, as if he doesn't have an album full of candid pictures he's taken of you. When he notices the way you search for him among the crowd, when your face lights up once you see him - he's so relieved he can levitate because otherwise his legs would've given out. It's no mystery that Click experiences the world through the lenses of his camera, this is how he can express himself - so knowing that his partner is looking at him with the same amount of love, adoration and attention to detail is enough to turn Click into a a smitten mess.

It takes him a long, long time to get used to simply laying down with you to rest (he doesn't need to rest the same way you do, but he still makes the effort of keeping you company if you want it) because of the possibility of meeting your gaze - so sleepy and comfortable, looking at him like he means the world to you. He knows exactly what's going through your head and the way you see him, because it's the same for him when it comes to you.

To no one's surprise, Click loves to take pictures of you.

This is a given, so I'll talk about it from a slightly different angle instead of rambling about things everyone and their dog already know.

As a ghost, the way he interacts with the physical world is extremely limited, which can be both a blessing and a curse - he can pass through walls and fly really high to get the best angles, food and water are no longer an issue, he doesn't experience life the same way everyone does and he knows this. Click, out of all supernatural entities, has adapted the best to this current state of being, but there are times when he just... forgets.

It only hits him once his hand passes right through yours, and you find yourself shivering and surprised, scolding him for trying to tease you when all he wanted was to hold your hand. When you need so many blankets just to lay down with him because he's so damn cold, an empty, lifeless void next to you, sucking up all the warmth.

And this is when Click realizes that he was content with being a ghost because he had never wanted anything in life - now that he does, it's a little jarring. There are many, many things Click wishes he could do, but he can't.

So he settles for what he knows: capturing every single moment you two spend together. He can't hold you in his arms nor feel the way you kiss his cheek, but he can still have tangible, solid proof of the love you two share in the form of pictures.

I imagine Click has many beautiful pictures of you, but the ones he loves the most are those that show all the fun he has when he's with you - this one is blurry, but he knows that's you laughing and trying to reach out for his camera to get him to stop with his antics. That one has an awful composition, but he knows that this is a picture of the first time you attempted to hug him by surprise and fell flat on your face. Another one is just an accidental picture you took of yourself, the flash blinding your eyes in the funniest expression he's ever seen.

You've made him promise time and time again to never let anyone else see such embarrassing pictures, and Click has given you his word - only because these stupid, little moments mean so much to him and he doesn't want to share them with anyone else.

[heathersdesk]

Mormon Mommy Bloggers 2: Ballerina Farms Boogaloo

Since everyone is giving their thoughts on Ballerina Farms, and Mormonism by extension, let me step up to the mic. Especially because I'm an LDS woman that everyone seems to think they're experts on now.

I'm so tired of having to answer for the choices of other LDS women I don't know. I'm tired of them speaking for me. I'm tired of them making spectacles of their choices at the expense of other women, especially when they have so much wealth and privilege to be who they are. I'm tired of their "brand" being something I have to answer for as an LDS women.

Hannah Neeleman is nothing like the rest of us. She's nothing like most of us.

She's no different than every other LDS Mommy blogger who has been exploiting her kids for content in our community since the Aughties. She's not unique.

She was quoted in The Times article as saying she wants other people to have what she has? She thinks that's even a feasible option for the vast majority of LDS women?

Who's buying the land? The livestock? And everything that goes with it?

Not me. Not any other LDS woman I know.

There are so many incredible, important things that passionate LDS women do to serve their communities. But because they don't look like her and have her money to create the platform she has, you'll never know their names.

Did people forget that being a social media influencer is a pay-to-play system at this point? Y'all think she did anything differently?

She is a caricature of femininity that is a total fantasy being sold to y'all as part of an agenda to fund her lifestyle.

I can list off so many other influencers like her in our community who have come and gone from making all the same choices and mistakes that she's currently making. Knock off Ree Drummond doesn't even compare to some of the other LDS creators in her genre. If you want someone who broke this mold, go look up Stephanie Nielson of NieNie Dialogues. She survived a plane crash that permanently altered her appearance and had to find self-worth outside of traditional beauty standards. I never cared much for her content either, but she at least has something more interesting to say than "I'm pretty and rich and have a lot of kids." And that's before we even touch the totally valid criticisms of Daniel Neeleman and how poorly he treats his wife on camera.

I don't know if anyone walked him through the Mormon Mommy Blogger formula, but a necessary part of it is wish fulfillment for the audience, including a doting and respectful husband who would never dream of embarrassing or humiliating his wife. It's supposed to be an exercise in generating envy for everything his wife gets from being a stay-at-home mother—not what it's costing her because of him. That seems to be their only unique contribution to the genre, which is not the Mormon Mommy Blogger recipe for success. That's Shaycarl. You want to talk about the saddest "Where are they now?" Google search I just did to see if they're even still married. That tea is stone cold now. Nevertheless, it's still more interesting than watching a woman dancing ballet in a cow pasture (rather than at Juilliard) because her husband doesn't prioritize or respect her.

But I digress.

The press wants someone truly interesting to talk to? I can get them in contact with Artisans of Hope, a charity being run by LDS women in Idaho. They teach sewing and crafting skills to refugees, helping them become financially self-reliant in a new country. I can introduce them to the real work the bipartisan LDS community is doing to settle refugees all over Boise.

But no. Let's all have the same tired, ignorant conversation we've been having about Mommy bloggers since 2009. Because it was never about Hannah Neeleman. That's the sad thing she doesn't seem to realize.

People are only interested in talking about LDS women to make us look like indoctrinated freak shows. It's a very old form of misogyny that has been around since the 1840s.

The press has lifted her up specifically to make her a spectacle to the rest of the world, to laugh at her. And it's the dumbest thing in the world, I'm tired of seeing it, and tired of watching the public fall for it again and again.

[numericalbridge]

This is more of a first draft for a serious meta post i am planning to write, but since it would take me a few weeks (and the proper post will have screenshots, etc) i just wanted to address the popular fanon that Hunter had to prove himself for Darius to start to care about him/that Darius' care was conditional and he was just same as Belos.

And i feel like that notion just completely ignores the scene just after Darius collects the Emerald Entrails to his Blimp. And, yes, i will never shut up about that scene because that's my favourite Darius scene and - completely regardless of Darius and Hunter's relationship - showed that Darius had his own morals independent of the Coven expansionism and propaganda, and in this way that scene was clearly very intentional. There was no point for Darius to lie to manipulate Hunter, as some people had thought, since that wasn't what Hunter would want to hear/be asked about, so we can assume Darius was sincere.

And... Darius looked stern and strict and disappointed, not mean-spirited, not gloating about being proven right about Hunter - and if the fanon verison of Darius and Hunter's relationship was correct then in this, very intentional scene there was the perfect opportunity for that kind of reaction. And it was the first time we saw Darius as completely serious, without playing, and serious and stern in a very quite way. Same with the scene when they talk on the crow phone where Darius is complaining but, again, is not meanspirited or agressive, but since that scene is more comedic it might not have been that intentional. Back to the Blimp scene - as other people had said, if Darius truly didn't care or hated Hunter there would be no point for him to look disappointed.

And i don't mean he would care about Hunter in a very personal manner at this point, but as i see it he probably realized he had fucked up after the crow call (my headcanon-y interpretation of Darius' way of thinking in ASIAS here) and at the Blimp scene he saw that even if Hunter was a spoiled prince the kid clearly had problems. And thus Darius even nudged him in the direction of thinking for himself by just asking back whether this was something Hunter should be proud off. Yes, it might not be super gentle, but it is a far cry from what fandom usually sees in Darius' reactions. So with all this in mind, it seems like even if Hunter didn't change his mind, Darius still would have some notion of care to be disappointed and sad over this, and, imo, it would have set him towards more compassion or at least understanding towards Hunter even if Hunter didn't help his friends.

(and btw, nothing points towards Darius seeing Hunter as anything but the spoiled royality since there is a huge difference between a child soldier and a relative of the emperor assuming an important position at a young-ish age; and the Coven Heads are not even some inner court to be privy to the Emperor's life since he wouldn't allow witches to be this close. And even in their first scene while Darius was mean initially - especially with the cloak - it wasn't anything that s1 Eda wouldn't say, and we didn't even get to see how the cloak scene would've ended if Darius wasn't set off by his mentor's sigil).

And the thing is, sure there might be unfortunate implications with the way ASIAS ends, just as there are unfortunate implications with how 8 years old King was the one reaching out towards Eda with 'no more lies' while she barely had to apologize. And in the same way as King's development and choices are prioritized because the target audience is meant to relate to him and understand him more, i think the same happens with ASIAS. Yes, it is important to show that the adults shouldn't mistreat Hunter, but for a 10 years old watching it it is also important to show that, no matter how sympathetic the backstory, a 16 years old shouldn't push you to do something you don't want. So Hunter makes mistakes, learns from them and then gets rewarded by a nearest adult figure. It is a standart cartoon structure, and sure, it also shouldn't be free of criticism, but just not via demonizing and bad faith interpretations of Darius and only Darius.

And even in that scene, i feel like it is notable that Darius says 'make your predecessorS proud'. If Darius' care about Hunter was truly just conditional or if there was no intention to that scene, it would've been easy to say 'predecessor' or 'the previous golden guard' since that's who Darius cared about and in the beginning unfairly compared Hunter to, that's what the audience remembers, but Darius doesn't seem to have any connection to other golden guards, it is Hunter who cares about them and their legacy, so this, if intentional, also points towards Darius already realizing his mistakes and trying to just genuinely encourage Hunter.

And i feel like you need to look at the episode and Darius' character as a whole rather than focusing on only 2 scenes to decide whether there was the intention to paint him the way fanon sees him or not. And even if it is how the show intended us to see Darius - then maybe the fandom should examine this writing choice in the context of how the show prioritizes white and light skinned characters and their development, and how the show treats black characters, and why Darius is the one who wouldn't get a proper resolution or a way to verbalise his thoughts and opinions while Alador or Gwen or even Steve are allowed to do it.

[aquaburst3]

I saw several posts and comments in the Helluva Boss tag saying something like, "Stolitz is toxic. Congrats, you get the point!🎉" in an extremely patronizing tone. Like, yeah. No fucking shit that is the Vivzie's intention. Anyone with a brain cell can figure that out. What pisses me off even more is that some even go as far too say that if you hate them, you're an idiot.

My issue isn't just that they're too "toxic". I like plenty of ships that come off as "toxic" to some. I enjoyed Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl when I was younger. Same goes for Sam and Freddie on iCarly. Hell, I was raised on telenovelas and Twilight, and still have a love for reading yandere fanfics for fuck's sake! I'm the last person on Earth to say you can never like a toxic ship! Just with them it's both toxic AND super annoying.

Stolas is the textbook definition of a woobie. He's super manipulative. He forces Blitz into that deal when he damn well knew he was running for his life and has his business on the line, so he could never turn it down. He even did the same thing before at the party when he guilt trips Blitz into sex. He's also a self centred ass, who constantly makes everything about himself and prioritizes fucking his boy toy over more important shit in his life like his own daughter. He continues to ignore her, even after she told him how she feels constantly. He acts extremely patronizing towards Blitz, calling him stupid and condescending nicknames right in front of everyone, despite him clearly not liking them. On top of everything, he's also cheating on his wife.

Is this ever called out by the narrative? Nope. He's given a free pass, and the story treats like a uwu sad boy that we need to feel bad for. Sorry, but that won't cut it. I just want to yeet him into the sun, not see him get together with Blitz.

Yes, I think a large part of this is thanks to Vivzie pulling an Elsa and changing Stolas' personality to be more "positive" part way during season 1. Also, yes, Stolas is trying to find a way to give Blitz a way to get to the "Human World" without him. But that's still no excuse for him being this much of a woobie. Morally grey and messy characters should be always called out by the narrative. Actions have consequences. People can get hurt regardless of our past or intentions. Cheating is always wrong, even if your partner is a bitch. That even goes for characters like Stolas.

Even if that wasn't the case, I don't think that Stolas is a good match for Blitz. Blitz needs a partner who is supportive, understanding and level-headed, being there for him when he needs it. Not a guy with his own mountain of baggage of his own. Honestly, I think any relationship between them will result in a messy breakup if they were real.

[nikibogwater]

I'm as disappointed as anyone else to hear that Wish missed the mark, especially after finding out about the film's scrapped concepts. But after taking some time to reflect (translation: thinking about it in the shower), I realized that in all the hubbub about what the movie didn't do, we sort of lost sight of the things it DID. No, this isn't me saying that the movie was actually a masterpiece and all the criticism is unwarranted, but I do want to take a moment to acknowledge that there was at least some small attempt to return to the classic Disney formula--something that a lot of audiences have been wanting for almost a decade now. They tried to make a fairy tale-inspired musical that wasn't a sequel or a spinoff. They tried to go back to the kind of universal themes that their older films often centered around. And again, the key word there is they tried. Based on what I know of the movie, I can't honestly say that they actually succeeded. But it was a teeny, tiny, wobbly half-step in the right direction. And if the movie wasn't supposed to be a triumphant celebration of the studio's 100th anniversary, I think a lot of people would be more forgiving of its' many, many missteps. It's just hard to stay positive when this movie kind of only goes to show how much the Disney studio has lost since its founding. They've forgotten the importance of taking risks, of prioritizing artistry over potential marketability. They've even forgotten the bare basics of good storytelling, like effective antagonists, relatable heroes, and applicable themes. But still, they did at least try, and that's better than nothing. The last thing I want is for the company to take away the wrong message from this experience. It wasn't the attempt to get back to the old formula that made people dislike the movie, it was the execution of said formula. The car's not broken, you just need to remember how to drive it.

I guess the TL;DR of this is just that I hope Wish serves as a necessary stepping-stone for the studio, to help them get back in touch with their roots and remember what made us love Disney films in the first place. It's sad that that's something they have to re-learn at all, but I'd rather encourage them to fix the problem than wallow in their own ineptitude. Sure, they tripped and faceplanted on the concrete, but at least they fell facing in the right direction. Here's hoping they can nail it with their next animated movie.

[jiraisupportgroup]

hey, no rush if you got it but I wanted to double check if you ever got this one request for advice on scheduling out your life when you feel very overwhelmed or if I should send another ask in case it got lost or didn't go through? I just feel like a lot of people have been feeling similarly this time of year thanks to going back to studying, work, depression that the year is almost over, etc... like at least for me it's personally gotten wayyyyyyyyy worse since the time I sent in the ask... :(

Yes I did get it! Sorry, it takes me a long ass time to get to these things T-T this was going to be the next one I work on though ₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊

The big thing is like being lenient with yourself & learning how to prioritize which is HARD. Like for me I’m like “ah fuck I have 20 things to do and they’re ALL important but I’m so tired so if I can’t do all of them I’ll just do none of them” or I can’t figure out where to start.

One thing that works for me is like, just start with something, anything, pick one thing randomly and just do it. & go from there. You don’t have to do everything all at once.

Another thing that I’ve had to learn over the past year is like sometimes it’s okay to not do important things, like you’re not going to die if you don’t do things. But that’s more of a “forgive yourself if you don’t get to it” kind of thing than a “screw it just don’t do it” kind of thing, ykwim?

I’ll probably sit down and list out some different ways to make schedules like different scheduling types? I’ve tried a few & some of them work sometimes & others work other times, it can also be really hard to list out everything you have to do in one place bc it gets super overwhelming super fast so I tend to have like 3 different places for work stuff, normal house stuff, and legal / financial stuff so I can pick a category to be stressed about at one time T-T

That’s just me thinking out loud here but more detailed / thought out post soon! Soon soon ♡ and then after that one is going to be one abt body positivity & then I think it’s like laundry? Got a request for laundry for broke sad bitches and as a broke sad bitch that does laundry I got you guys.

If it helps at all I am also extremely overwhelmed & like sometimes you just have to take a giant breath and be like the world will not end if I take a break. ₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊

[your--isgayrights]

hi its me your stalker. I saw your post about lsk and how her sponsor relates to her meta narrative role, can you elaborate? thank you as always

Hi bestie it took me a sec to get back to you and this is kind of just a big text block of my feelings about this so feel free to ask a follow up if it doesn't make sense

Ok so part of what I was talking about was that where omniscient reader is Kim Dokja's story, his mother and the stories associated with her represent the parents/ancestors/family of ORV, the literary works that SS were building on in making their own novel. Samguk yusa in particular is one of the oldest extant korean literary works, like if you ever take a Korean literature history class or smthn that's where you start lmao. So like, in relation to Kim Dokja as a reader LSK represents the influence of the classics that follow a lot of like the unspoken rules of literature vs YJH/HSY representing webnovels that are like not necessarily good or time tested but have an arresting passion and appeal KDJ is swayed by. Then this is also important bc in particular the story of the mother bear LSK is represented by is one that is /about/ following the rules of a narrative and being rewarded for it in the end. The bear and the tiger want to become human, the king of heaven gives them instructions, the bear follows the rules, bear gets to be human, marries king of heaven, and births the first king of Korea. So then in relation to the narrative of ORV, LSK has always been this influence of narrative destiny/inevitability in face of reality... When we see KDJ giving up on the things he wants and dismissing his hopes and dreams as impossible, it's coming directly from the way LSK has influenced him in writing her own narratives about their lives. "The only way for you to be safe is if I take the fall," the consequences have to fall somewhere, there's no ideal world where mother and son live happily ever after w/ no consequence for killing the father, there's no world where both the bear who followed the will of heaven and the tiger who did not get to be human, there's no world where Kim Dokja can reshape the very fabric of the universe to suit his ideals and go home to eat pizza afterward. The niggling thought we all had in the back of our minds when the most ancient dream was "defeated"... That can't be it, can it? It can't just be over like that... How could it be just that easy, in the end? It doesn't make sense... << That's what LSK represents, the sense of narrative that demands happiness be earned, sacrifices be made, anything else is unrealistic, it's not how the world really works, who wants to read that?

This is the real final boss of omniscient reader's viewpoint: the escape from narrative. The entire epilogue is concerned with this question, what ending does this story deserve? Kdjco have to fight KDJ's sense of narrative destiny to tell him it doesn't matter to them what the most artful or narratively complete ending he can come up with is, just that they want to fucking see their friend again. It's the feeling at the end of any tragedy where the reader wonders if the hero could have been saved. It's also the counterpoint to the question between the classics and commercial webnovel literary cultures. Does it have to be artful and poetic? Can't they all just be happy, in the end? Between "the ending is too sad" and "the ending is too unrealistic," ORV prioritizes the desires of the characters and the readers who really connected to them by giving Kim Dokja the ending they wanted.

TLDR; So whereas LSK consistently sacrifices herself or gives up on trying to make things better, consistently trapping herself in certain roles, KDJ is able to recognize what the original narrative of TWSA would make a binary decision and take a third path. this both represents her influence on KDJ as a character and the influence of unspoken rules about what makes a story "good literature" on the narrative of ORV, but that ultimately you have to follow love/influence on or emotions of real people instead of rules that seem set in stone.

[myopicry]

I live somewhere I could likely get hurt. I am chronically ill, so need to take care of myself. I have been attacked by a man who thought he was a woman. He turned a whole group of people against me when I said I hold strong feminist values. I have decidedly leftist, progressive political beliefs, & have been a lifelong ally of LGBT people. I can’t wait until this delusional phase is over & I may feel safe again among friends, some of whom are now trans ideologues.

it is such an unfortunate fact that we live in a reality where people will still demonize and attack women for feminist beliefs. anon, I'm so sorry that happened to you. it also is quite a sad thing that especially in leftist spaces, despite the importance that people put on acceptance, compassion, and speaking your mind, there is still such a heavy level of scrutiny and a focus more and more on the optics of your politics and how they fit in with the crowd versus what kind of actual, tangible allyship you act on. furthermore, it's so so tough in progressive and leftist spaces to know that the friends you've made might completely drop you if you disagree specifically on this one issue of gender, just because all analysis and critique of gender ideology is likened to irredeemable hate, even when there are real issues in the ideology and community that should be pointed out for the betterment of everyone!

if it's any help, I would recommend that you always make sure you prioritize your own safety. it's obviously very important to stand by your beliefs and morals, and generally it's a good idea to be truthful to your friends. but sometimes, strategic lying is just kind of necessary to keep yourself safe! don't feel pressured to ever put yourself at risk because of your beliefs, and it's also okay to not be totally honest with friends and people in your social support network if you know they're mistakenly going to generalize what you say, especially if it could put you in danger. plus, as a woman, people are much harsher on any perceived "lapses" in a performance of agreeability, so from my perspective, I think it's good to keep a little distance from people who would care too much over "gender thought crimes" and don't let them get you into a vulnerable place with your beliefs.

there's an advantage in holding some part of your mind in private, and it sucks so much that in these spaces it can be hard to be yourself and trust people who should care about you and support you as a friend, but yeah, sometimes all you can do is protect yourself and wait it out until the popular opinions shift. of course, it's also good if you can find some outlet for your real beliefs and even find some semblance of community where you can engage in them, or whatever works for you (this is what this blog is for me !! essentially a coping mechanism for the fact I can't endlessly blab about my grievances with gender ideology in real life)

and just overall, anon, I hope you do find friends that will support you first and foremost and not be swayed by the pushing of popular ideology! I wish all the best for you and hope no more danger or harm comes your way. and of course, thank you for visiting my inbox, I believe in hearing people's testimonials, and finding a space to vent your frustrations is incredibly important as well. I can't promise to always have an amazing/enlightening/etc. response to every ask, I've always been just a little bit shit at comforting people in a rough spot because I myself can get quite cynical about the world, but I will try my best to offer some advice, or at least just a listening ear for anyone who wants to speak ♡♡♡

[drugstore-love]

Down Bad

so many people, including those who say they are fans dislike TTPD and refer to it as lazy but I find it to be some of Taylor's best work. I appreciate the metaphors and how vulnerable she is with the narrative. She's not hiding; it's poetry. It's about emotion and the musicality really does come second.

Here's my song by song break down of things that I enjoy (and don't like) about the album for my own future reference so that I do not cave into peer pressure and start to hate the album on principle. Here are my personal interpretations and what the songs mean for me.

In no particular order Down Bad first:

Down Bad refers to the end of a relationship that everyone told you was bad for you but you just didn't care because you were happy and prioritizing your feelings first. This is one of the few songs I actually really like the production on because it feels like you're floating (like being beamed up and travelling through space) during the verses and then the choruses feel like falling.

Did you really beam me up? In a cloud of sparkling dust Just to do experiments on Tell me I was the chosen one Show me that this world is bigger than us Then sent me back where I came from For a moment I knew cosmic love

This is angry, petulant, and disbelieving. Reminiscent of RWYLM where the author is questioning what was the point of all this if you were going to leave me in the same place you found me after making promises of more. I showed you who I was and I believed the fantasy and you took it away

Now I'm down bad, cryin' at the gym Everything comes out teenage petulance "Fuck it if I can't have him" "I might just die, it would make no difference" Down bad, wakin' up in blood Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up Fuck it if I can't have us I might just not get up, I might stay Down bad Fuck it if I can't have him Down bad Fuck it if I can't have him

These are feelings I can't sort through maturely right now. I want to kick and scream and throw a tantrum. I haven't felt this purely, this naively about love since I was a teenager. I really did plan my whole life around this and now that it's gone, I don't know what to do. To the dismay of my family and friends, I feel like without you, without us, I have nothing else going for me, no motivation to do anything but beg you to come back and pick me up.

Did you take all my old clothes? Just to leave me here naked and alone In a field in my same old town That somehow seems so hollow now They'll say I'm nuts if I talk about the existence of you For a moment I was heaven struck

I changed for you, I changed with you and now that I'm alone again I don't even know what to wear. All of the things that were important, that I cared about either feel pointless or are tainted with you and when I try to talk about it all anyone can talk about is your flaws and how I should've known better; but it was the best I can remember feeling and regardless of outside perception I'm upset that it's over and wistful for those feelings again

Now I'm down bad, cryin' at the gym (Cryin' at the gym) Everything comes out teenage petulance "Fuck it if I can't have him" (Fuck it if I can't have him) "I might just die, it would make no difference" Down bad, wakin' up in blood (Wakin' up in blood) Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up Fuck it if I can't have us I might just not get up, I might stay

I really like the double meaning of down bad here. Down bad the slang obviously for being so into a person that you'll do anything, no matter how stupid, for them and to be with them. But also I'm down bad meaning I'm sad that we're not together, I'm crying in public places, I'm living dangerously, I've stopped caring about anything else.

Down bad (Like I lost my twin) Fuck it if I can't have him (Down bad) Down bad (Wavin' at the ship) Fuck it if I can't have him

Like I lost my twin is especially poignant. Twins who lose one usually change in personality because it's like a piece of them is missing. Whispering it as a backing vocal really just reinforces that this person was one of the few people the author felt truly knew and saw them and for them to just be gone (and unexpectedly so, meaning that the other person gave little clues that the relationship was ending) is devastating

I loved your hostile takeovers Encounters closer and closer All your indecent exposures How dare you say that it's -

I love this bridge. The author is speaking directly to the subject here. Everything that everyone else judged you for, all your rough edges and abrasiveness, where you were weird. All the things everyone warned me about are the things that I loved (Who's gonna love you like me?) I don't understand how you can leave me. I truly thought if anyone was going to end this relationship it would be me and the fact that you did...it's too painful to even actually say the words, it's easier to return to my metaphor

I'll build you a fort on some planet Where they can all understand it How dare you think it's romantic Leaving me safe and stranded Cause fuck it I was in love So fuck you if I can't have us. Cause fuck it I was in love

I would give you anything you needed. I would've convinced everyone. But instead you left because you thought I would be better off with those people. You let them and their words get into your head and ruin us and told me that I was better off without you based on the opinions of strangers. You left me alone because you thought you knew what was best for me but I was in love and fuck you for ruining that.

She brings the chorus back around and reminds us that in this cloud of emotion, in the aftermath of this relationship everyone felt like the enemy. Her family and friends for the lack of support, her fans for their ubiquitous judgement and opinions on her personal life and most of all her partner for leading her to trust them and their presence and then leaving anyway under the thin veil of mutual safety. It sucked and it hurt and the only thing that felt good was throwing a teenage like tantrum. Your care for me is ruining my life. (more on the mashup of this song with Fortnight, later)

*******I also really like the clean edit of this song because it almost changes the meaning. Taylor replaces "fuck" with "what if" which almost adds to the juvenile affect of the song where a teenager would pose a question, "What if I was in love?" an adult can come back and say you know what, "Fuck it. I was in love and now I'm..."

[heylinfanclub]

Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.

The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.

It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.

Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)

I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.

ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.

I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.

I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.

LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.

I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.

But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’

Weeps

THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.

Awoooo

Awoooo

I hate it

[lyranova]

Order: One Black Forest Cake with the topping “I need them” for Zera (OC) x William Vangeance!

Warnings: Angst

Word Count: 1,653

Soft snow crunched underneath Captain William Vangeance’s boots as he walked across the small field. In his hands he held a bouquet of flowers, in the other a warm blanket for him to sit on and he was dressed warmly, yet nicely. Today, he was meeting someone very special, someone he wanted to look nice for.

His wife. His first, and possibly only, love.

He walked to the other side of the small field until he came to a small fenced area. He took a deep breath before walking into the small area, this place always made his heart heavy, and filled his entire being with sadness and regret.

This place was the Golden Dawn Cemetery.

It was where members who had lost their lives were laid to rest, and if they were unable to recover their member for some reason, then a headstone was still placed so everyone would remember them and they could still pay their respects.

At the far end of the cemetery sat his wife’s headstone. Usually during the spring and summer it was surrounded by beautiful flowers, but when fall and winter came around, her headstone looked so…cold and lifeless…William made a mental note to try and look through Zera’s books to find some flowers or trees that would bloom in the colder months.

“ Good morning dear, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to visit.” William apologized softly as he used his World Tree magic to make a small place for him to sit, he set the blanket down on top of it before sitting down.

“ It’s alright, I know you’ve been pretty busy lately. So don’t worry!” William chuckled as he imagined that’s what she would say. She was always understanding of his work, even at times when she shouldn’t have been.

“ Of course I’m going to worry. You’re more important than my work, and sometimes I don’t think I show you that enough.” William said softly. There were a lot of things he regretted with Zera, but most of all, how he felt like prioritized his job over her at times.

William suddenly fell silent, he had so many things he wanted to tell her, but they all seemed to disappear once he opened his mouth.

“ It’s been a year since…since you left. Alistar’s a year old now, can you believe it?” William said with a sad laugh as he quickly cleared his throat.

“ I know. It doesn’t seem real, does it? It feels like it was only yesterday he was born, and he stared up at us with a slightly confused expression before he smiled at us.” Zera said with a chuckle from beside her husband. He couldn’t see her, feel her, or even her. But somehow, he knew she was there beside him.

“ The other day Yami and Charlotte brought their daughter Hikari to see Alistar, since they’re only a week apart we all thought they would get along well with each other. Well the moment Alistar saw Hikari, he stared at her for a few moments before bursting into tears and he began to try and hide.” William told her with a laugh, he could have swore he heard her gasp from beside him.

“ What?! Oh no my poor baby! Is he alright? Did she hurt him? Or did she give him a funny look? I swear when I see that little girl I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind!” Zera said protectively as she looked back towards the Golden Dawn base. William quickly shook his head and held up a hand to stop her.

“ Calm down Zera, she didn’t do anything to him. I think he was just…nervous since they were people he didn’t recognize. He’s very much like me…introverted. But I guess the silver lining is that Alistar wasn’t the only one crying. After he burst into tears, Hikari did too. It was a real mess.” William told her as he continued to laugh, Zera frowned at him as she tried to suppress her own laughter.

“ How is that a silver lining?” Zera asked as she continued trying not to laugh.

“ Well, I guess the silver lining is that at least I wasn’t the only one trying to soothe a sobbing 1 year old.” William said, and he could swear Zera finally burst out laughing.

“ As much as that is true, that’s also soo mean William!” Zera said as she began to laugh at the image of William, Yami, and Charlotte all trying to comfort sobbing babies. She could only imagine how well it must’ve gone.

“ Well what is it they say? ‘Misery loves company’?” William asked softly as his laughter died, and slowly Zera’s did as well.

It quickly fell quiet in the cemetery, and it suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks where he was, why he was here, and that he wasn’t actually talking to Zera…that she wasn’t actually there, sitting beside him laughing like she used to.

“ I miss you Zera…so much…” William trailed off softly as tears welled up in his eyes. “ By the gods I really need you right now…”

“ I need you to tell me what to do, I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark. I don’t know which way is up and which is down, I’m so lost without you.” William continued as tears fell onto his hands that were resting on his knees.

“ I thought I would be okay, I thought I had finished grieving and could now raise our son and lead the squad with a clear mind and a healed heart…but I can’t Zera…I don’t think I can do this, I’m not as strong as you thought I was! I can’t do this without you here.” William cried as he finally let out all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions he had bottled up.

Zera reached out towards her husband but stopped herself. She couldn’t hold and comfort him like she used to, she was nothing more than a spectator now, there was an invisible wall between them that neither could cross even though they wanted to.

The young woman opened and closed her mouth repeatedly. She argued with herself on when to say anything at all, or to just remain silent. He couldn’t hear her no matter how much she screamed, cried, and begged. So why bother? Finally, she sighed.

“ William, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry,” Zera began softly as tears welled in her eyes and her throat began to go dry. “ It’s my fault. I was the one who wasn’t strong enough. I should have fought harder to stay…it’s all my fault that you’re like this, that you’re struggling and are going through such a hard time…” She cried.

“ Right now I know things are hard, and that you feel all alone in this. But you’re not alone. You have so many people who are behind you supporting you. You don’t need me, although I’m sure I’d make things more entertaining and fun.” She added the last part jokingly as she wiped her tears.

“ For now, just grieve. Just…go through all the emotions, as I always say it’s better to feel something than nothing at all. Take as much time as you need. Everyone will understand. Don’t try to force yourself to be okay when you’re not.” Zera tried to tell him as a bone chilling cold swept past them.

It was a firm reminder that she was talking to herself, but even so her heart felt at ease. Although it was true that he couldn’t see or hear her, for some strange reason she felt like she could watch him walk away from the cemetery right now and feel completely okay.

“ But just so you know, once you’re actually okay and if…if you decide to move on and fall in love again you have to bring them by me first and get my seal of approval! I’m not going to just let any ol’ person take care of and be with my boys! If they don’t meet my standards then I’ll kick them to the curb whether you like it or not, understand?” She told him as she crossed her arms, she was trying to lighten up the mood around them.

Zera’s eyes widened in surprise as William suddenly began to laugh. Did…did he happen to hear her?

“ I suddenly got that recognizable warmth, before a chill ran down my spine. So why do I get the feeling you just comforted me and threatened me all at the same time?” He asked with a laugh, and Zera blushed. She did kind of threaten him, well, it was more like she threatened any future lover he may or may not ever have. But still, a threat was a threat, she guessed.

“ I know you said something wise and comforting and yet it had that distinguishable flair of yours that you always put on things.” He said as his chuckles died down a bit. “ Thank you, love, for comforting me when I needed it most.”

“ Anytime dear, since that’s all I can do for you now.”

“ Ah, it’s getting late. I need to go inside now, Alistar’s probably looking for me.” William said softly as he stood up, if he were being honest he would spend all day and night out here talking to his wife. “ Oh, these are for you. I couldn’t come see you without bringing anything right?”

“ I’ll bring Alistar by to see you when it warms up a bit. Goodnight Zera, sleep well.” William said softly, he placed the bouquet of flowers in front of her headstone before turning around and walking away.

Zera watched as he got further and further away from her, she turned to look at the flowers and a bright smile appeared on her face.

“ Forget-Me-Nots, Arbutus, Aster, Azalea, Pink Camellia, Pink Carnations, and…” She suddenly laughed as tears welled up in her eyes.

“ Dandelions.”

Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all have a good day~!

[igotbulletproof-insomnia]

Adopting Bangtan 11

01, previous, series

I'm With Me

Kim Seokjin turned the phone screen on and unlocked his phone. It was a useless action, he knew he wouldn’t find anything else but the regular messages; reminders from his caretaker, questions from his brothers, plans to go out with some friends after school on Saturday. Taerim-halmonim thanked him for calling her on her birthday the previous day and offered to meet for dessert when she was back in Seoul. Seokjin frowned at that. It would be great to see his old nanny again, she was the only person who ever seemed to care about him, aside from the teacher he lived with now. But something in Seokjin’s chest had him hesitating. It had been years since he last saw her, and it would be nice to just hug her again. Even so, he just couldn’t bring himself to reply.

Seokjin tapped at the screen for a few minutes and replied to several other messages before sighing. Things just got more complicated the older he got, didn’t it?

*******************

May 10, 2023 Did you greet your family for parent’s day? May 11, 2023 Of course. It would be awkward not to greet my guardian when I see them.

********************

It was his seventh birthday, and all Seokjin had wanted was to see his parents.

Seokjin was a smart kid. His teachers said so, and his nanny halmonim said so, so it had to be true. He understood a lot of things; he understood the importance of brushing his teeth and eating his vegetables. He understood when halmonim could play and when she needed to focus on her work. He understood his brother was much older and had to prioritize his studies over playing. He understood the word priorities. And most importantly, Seokjin understood that his parents had to go to work to earn money so they could keep their home and eat food and everything. He just thought that, maybe, if he was well-behaved and scored well on all of his tests, and asked really nicely, his mom, dad, and brother could sit at the dinner table and eat delicious food and cake. It was the only thing he asked for. Even Kang Taerim, his nanny-not-nanny agreed it was a beautiful wish.

So when Taerim-halmonim showed him her sad face and told him to start eating, alone, Seokjin nearly shouted in anger. Instead, he shoved food into his mouth until his feelings overwhelmed him. He ran away, crying, to hide where the space between his dresser and bedroom wall could hug him as tightly as he wanted his mom to.

Over and over and over and over, all Seokjin wanted was to see his parents. He missed his brother. Did they even remember he was here? He just wanted them here.

Oh, sweetheart, Taerim-halmonim spoke from the other end of the dresser. Seokjin wiped his tears on his arm and looked up. She sat cross-legged on the floor, a gentle smile on her face. Not for the first time, Seokjin wished that she was his mom instead of his parents’ house keeper. I know it hurts so, so much. But you still have halmonim, don’t you? She opened her arms, inviting him for a hug.

Things will get better one day, she said later, when Seokjin’s head was tucked in the crook of her neck and her shoulder thoroughly soaked with tears. I promise you, it will.

And if halmonim said it, it had to be true.

********************

November 22, 2023 It’s your parent’s anniversary soon. Don’t you think you should visit them?

********************

Home was chaos as usual. Namjoon walked the little ones home today, while Yoongi and Hoseok attended the local hagwon. It wasn’t great by any means, not like the one Seokjin used to attend, but it taught Hoseok dance, and Namjoon music, and Yoongi got to play sports, and Seokjin was improving his math grade, so he supposed it did its job. Jeongguk and Taehyung were making what sounded like a lot of unnecessary noise while they played with their toys, while Jimin sorted lego bricks. It looked like he was preparing another several-day-long project, which might mean a future where their caretaker cried as they spent even more money on even more legos. Jimin often used most of the lego blocks on his projects and refused to take them apart afterwards. The last time one of his creations was forcefully destroyed, he sulked for a week. Their caretaker didn’t normally care about the tantrums and attitudes the seven of them threw around the house -- and there was always someone upset about something -- but everyone in the house usually went out of their way to make Jimin happy. They had spent so much effort getting him comfortable when the twins first joined their family that it was probably a permanent way of life; Make Jimin smile. Indulge Taehyung. Adore Jeongguk. The three of them were probably some of the most spoiled children in all of Korea, and they were all proud to admit it.

Seokjin swiftly greeted the little ones with a hand in their hair, then went to the kitchen table and took a seat beside Namjoon. He unloaded his books from his bag, stole several bites from Namjoon’s bowl of fruit, and began his homework. From where he sat, he could keep an eye on the little ones and stop any fighting before it got a chance to start. He could also continue eating his brother’s food, which was the most important part.

“There’s plenty in the refrigerator, you know,” Namjoon rolled his eyes as he took his bowl back. “It’s cut and portioned and everything.”

“Your point escapes me,” said Seokjin. He smiled and reached for another bite of melon. His arms were long, the bowl wasn't as far away as Namjoon thought it was. “There’s fruit right here in front of me.” He received an eraser to the face for his trouble, but violence was practically a love language in their household.

******************

March 3, 2022 Didn't your brother graduate? You should call him. My phone number hasn't changed. He can call me too.

*******************

This won’t sound very nice, but after that stunt you pulled at dinner last night, I need to level with you. Seokwan’s voice was soft, but the look on his face betrayed his frustration. Their family attended a dinner party the previous night, where Seokjin had lost his temper. Their parents, and had ignored him all night, even while they conversed with the adults and other children Seokjin’s age. It was bad enough they pretended he didn’t exist at home, but then they went out their way to treat him like a handsome and well-behaved doll.

Your expectations are too high. You want the family you see on television, and that doesn’t exist in reality. Seokjin had a few faint memories of playing and laughing with his older brother, but now… well, Seokjin couldn’t say the last time they talked together. Seokwan went away for school, and then attended hagwon over breaks, then holed up in his bedroom when he was home. He was as much a stranger as his parents these days. I’ve been where you are. I’ve wanted what you wanted. And then I grew up. Seokjin, you’re going to start middle school soon. You need to let go of your fantasies. Here, Seokwan handed his brother the gift bag in his hand. Inside was another action figure that Seokjin would never play with. It felt like a bribe. You’re meant to make our family look good. You can’t go around throwing temper tantrums and acting out at your age. It’s embarrassing. And as long as you continue to embarrass them, our parents will never acknowledge you.

The words hurt. They stung his eyes and burned his chest, but they weren’t unexpected. Seokjin already knew all of this, at least a little bit. He loved going to fancy dinners and dressing in adult clothes, but he hated the way his parents treated him. He just wanted to know that they cared about him.

Sometimes, he wondered if they loved him.

What’s this for then? he asked.

You wanted attention. Seokwan explained. This is the most they’re willing to give. But remember, all actions have consequences. Even if you're not the one who receives them.

*******************

August 16, 2018 I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. Please come back I didn’t get to say goodbye I’ll apologize. Just please come back This is for the best, dear. I love you. Don’t give your new housekeeper a hard time. But she won’t be you Things change. It’s okay.

********************

“Kim Seokjin, where are you?” Seonsaengnim’s voice was loud, bordering on shrill, but Seokjin still took his time walking through the house to meet their guardian outside of the kitchen.

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.”

“No, you didn’t, and that’s the point,” they replied. “I have something for you!”

Before the surprise could be revealed, Seokjin heard Jeongguk’s voice begin, “Happy birthday to you!”

“Hey, Jeongguk, it’s not anyone’s birthday today,” Yoongi cut him off. Seokjin gave his guardian a curious look.

“It was your turn to choose dessert the other night,” they said, leading Seokjin to the counter, “but I forgot, and then I didn’t feel like arguing with the kids about it. So, I brought home your favorite to make it up to you. You boys ate dinner already, right?” The cake was rounded and covered in red and white fondant, with strawberry slices creating something like flowers around the edges and skewered on top. It resembled a Mario cap, and brought a smile to Seokjin’s face. “Knuckleheads, back up, Jinnie gets the first piece!”

“I’m not a knucklehead,” argued Taehyung.

“Yes, you are,” said Seonsaengnim. “I said it, so it must be true.”

“You also said I was going to get a good grade on my exam --”

“Kim Namjoon, you would have if you would have gone to bed when I told you, instead of playing games under your blankets.”

“Stop arguing near my cake, you’re gonna ruin the flavor,” Seokjin whined, slapping at Yoongi’s hand when it reached for one of the fruits. Unfortunately, that left the cake open to Hoseok’s greedy fingers instead. “Stop it, I didn’t even get to take a picture!”

“Hurry up before we take it all then,” Namjoon teased, snatching up another berry.

“I hate all of you. Just so that you know.”

“Seonsaengnim, Jinnie-hyung said mean words!” screamed Jimin.

“Jinnie-hyung is lying!” yelled Taehyung.

“I just wanted cake, is that so much to ask?” Seokjin whined, watching his brothers steal more of his fruit.

“Choices have consequences,” Seonsaengnim laughed, placing a stack of saucers and a knife beside him. “Next time you want to get adopted, pick a smaller household. And apologize to your younger brothers.”

“Which ones?”

“Take your pick, you probably did something to all of them. I’d start with the twins though.”

********************

March 22, 2019 Kim Seokjin, do not ignore me. Answer your phone when I call you. I’m worried about you. March 23, 2019 Please, tell me you’re okay. I just want to know that you’re safe. March 24, 2019 I’m safe

Where are you?

At home

Your housekeeper hasn’t seen you for weeks. Your food is untouched. Your bed hasn’t been slept in. Don’t lie to me. March 25, 2019 I am at home Just not their home

*******************

Seokjin looked down at the notarized papers in his hands. His heart beat wildly in his chest, both in excitement and fear. He had managed to not just… well, in an effort of transparency, he managed to manipulate both of his parents into giving up their parental rights, and a third into adopting him. It shouldn’t have been so easy. It really, really shouldn’t have been so simple, but his parent’s paid so little attention to him that they didn’t even read the paperwork he gave them, and his teacher was so trusting and careless that Seokjin only had to tell the simplest of white lies to get his way. That was a little concerning, but he imagined there weren’t too many kids willing to… well, in an effort of transparency with himself, willing to commit fraud just to be adopted by their teacher.

But… the four of them looked like they had fun together. Seonsaengnim still looked exhausted, but they still helped the smallest one eat their bingsu while making cute noises, and hugged the older ones and answered all of their questions and smiled and… it was like watching his old nanny -- the nanny fired because of him -- raise three kids who weren’t him. And once that idea crossed his mind…. Seokjin wanted that. He wanted back the guardian his parents took from him.

So he tricked his parents and he lied to his teacher, and did something a little bit illegal, but… well, his parents will never notice. And even if they did… Seokjin didn’t want to go back. And legally, they couldn’t make him. Probably.

Now, all he had to do was convince Seonsaengnim’s kids to adopt him too.

********************

March 25, 2019 Did something happen? Can you answer the phone? March 26, 2019 I know you’re upset with me, but please, please answer. I’m sorry. March 27, 2019 I am so sorry. Please tell me where you are. March 28, 2019 Seokjin, if you’re able please reply. Where are you? March 29, 2019 Seokjin? March 30, 2019 I’m not going back there You can’t make me go back Where are you? You aren’t old enough to live alone. March 31, 2019 I’m safe I’m not alone I promise You won’t even tell me where you are. How is that safe? Halmonim I’m happy. How do I know you are safe in this "home?" You don’t understand how dangerous this is. Go back to your family.

********************

“Seokjin-ah,” his guardian called to him as he exit the bathroom, dressed and cleaned for bed. They were wiping down the kitchen surfaces, the dishes clean and drying in the rack. The other boys were in bed already, but Seokjin had planned to stay awake to study for another hour or two. Seokjin stood in the threshold now, watching his guardian work.

“I’ve been meaning to check in with you,” they said. “Is everything okay? You’ve been a little withdrawn lately.”

Seokjin smiled ruefully. He thought he’d done a better job at hiding his mental state, but maybe he overestimated his acting skills. “I’m a little worried about my grades,” he said. “I want to get a scholarship for a really good high school, but I can’t exactly do that if I don’t score well on my exams.

“If you were worried about your grades, you’d be whining about it,” Saem replied. “Try another lie. Or the truth. The truth is preferable.”

Seokjin hadn’t exactly lied. He did want to get a scholarship to a good high school, and he was worried about his exams, but he was also confident that he would be successful. At the very least, he had a backup plan, so no, Seokjin wasn’t exactly being honest. “I feel sick?”

“I don’t think you’ve matured that much in the past several months.”

Seokjin chuckled at that response. He could be more obnoxious and demanding than the little ones when he was sick, so he searched his brain for another, more believable story. It wasn’t that Seokjin didn’t trust his guardian. He trusted them to keep him safe and fed and clothed and sheltered, and he trusted them to be honest and fair. He trusted his guardian to treat him like a person, even when they lost their temper with him. He trusted his guardian to love him unconditionally. And Seokjin loved them in return. Part of that love meant keeping his guardian safe from his secrets.

“I…” Seokjin struggled with his words, unsure how honest he should be. “I’m worried about my old nanny.” That was enough of the truth, he thought. “I may have been in contact with her recently and… well, she’s kind of old. Older than you.”

“I’m going to ignore the old comment and focus on your nanny. Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” said Seokjin, relieved that his distraction worked. “Just old, like I said. She’s still healthy as far as I know. I just worry.”

“Were you concerned that you can’t go see her?”

“She lives in Busan now,” said Seokjin. “That’s a little far for an after school trip.”

“We could all go during a break, if you'd like,” Seonsaengnim suggested. “The boys have been wanting to see the beach anyway.”

Seokjin frowned. The conversation wasn’t going the way he expected it to, and it was making him uncomfortable. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Kang Taerim. He missed her terribly. He just… Seokjin felt his heart drop in his chest when he realized: he didn’t trust her anymore. Whether he saw her in Seoul or Busan or overseas, Seokjin just didn’t trust his old nanny not to take him back to his parents, and that scared him.

“We can go to Busan,” Seokjin decided. “But I don’t want to see Taerim halmonim. I like our relationship the way it is now.” Even though Seokjin pretended the two of them hadn't grown distant over the years, he had to admit to himself now that the distance was good. He couldn't get kidnapped and taken back home if there was distance.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he said.

"Any particular reasons?"

Seokjin frowned. As well-meaning as his caretaker was, he didn't enjoy their prying. When they pried, Seokjin had to debate whether he should lie or not. He didn't particularly enjoy lying. "A few. I don't want to talk about it."

His caretaker paused in their wiping down the faucet and fixed Seokjin with a hard stare. At this point in their relationship, it was a completely nonverbal argument, where his guardian analyzed his face and body language, while he tried his best to pretend he wasn't hiding anything. Seokjin doubted he was ever as successful as he liked to think he was, but he also appreciated that whatever his guardian found, they likely wouldn't bring it up. Yet.

“Okay," Seonsaengnim agreed slowly."I won't press it if you’re sure. Was that all you were thinking about?” They wrung out their rag and laid it in its place on the sink. Suddenly, all of their attention was focused on Seokjin. “Something tells me that’s not it.”

“That’s…” he considered his feelings, and what he was and wasn’t willing to talk about right now. It felt like something had shifted inside after realizing the uneasy feeling he had when thinking about Taerim halmonim was distrust. “That’s everything I’m willing to think about tonight, I think.”

“Will you come find me if you change your mind?” they asked, opening their arms. Seokjin felt relieved to be offered the hug he needed. He felt awkward about asking for hugs from his guardian when he wanted them. Seonsaengnim must have noticed how desperate he was because they squeezed him tighter than usual, and didn’t let go until Seokjin pulled back. He felt a little more settled inside, even if it still felt like everything had changed.

“I’ll probably come find you for help with math,” he said.

“You’ll fail if you did that, kid,” said his guardian. “I’m an English teacher for a reason.”

In his bedroom, Seokjin stared for a long moment at the textbooks laying on his desk. He really did need to spend an hour or two with his math formulas, or finishing his Korean assignments. It was the smart choice.

Instead, he crawled into bed with Jeongguk. His youngest brother was an excellent cuddler, and Seokjin could really use a teddy bear tonight.

*****************************

Collecting Strays series, previous, first

So, if the formatting is strange, I tried my best; between my outdated Chromebook and the tumblr website, I was fighting for my life. Hopefully, the text conversations came through alright and the timeline of events is clear enough. As always, my inbox is open for suggestions and requests, preferably for this series, but I might be open to other, preferably platonic, BTS requests.

[i-need-some-advice-on]

hi! this will probably sound really stupid, or like, childish or something, but i'm really struggling with it. how do i stop missing my friend?

or, ex friend, i suppose.

like, i (early 30ies, x) used to be friends with somebody (late 20ies, x) and we like. used to be really really really close. like, they were, at a point, genuinely the most important person in my life, the one i trusted most and that knew more about me than anybody else.

we live on different continents, but we talked every day for a long while and then to me out of nowhere and without context almost not at all anymore, and we probably both made some mistakes re: communication or like, Not communicating, until we managed to talk it (how i felt ignored and insecure about it etc) out eventually, and they explained that due to the school they're doing to get their dream job eventually, they don't have the time or resources to prioritize personal connections over their career right now. and like, i get that, and wanted to be supportive of that, so we agreed to just do a casual friendship.

but when i continued to be the one who often texted first with no contact in between for weeks/months, i realised that made me miserable. like, i'm not one to keep track of who texts whom first, but it was just really hard for me to grasp that things could change so drastically and it was just like, okay to them, that they *didn't* miss how it used to be.

so i eventually texted them to like. officially make a cut and end the friendship completely, just because so i'd stop being miserable in a friendship that wasn't what i wanted or needed and that just made me sad all the time? they sounded like that was fine for them too, which wasn't exactly surprising after everything, like, i didn't do it in hopes they'd try to stop me or anything, and i *have* been feeling better in general about the whole thing.

but that being said, i still miss them, i miss what we had, and i guess i'd like to know if there's anything i can like. do? to make that better?

sorry this got so long, i'm just sad.

.

[septembersghost]

yahoo. com/entertainment/riley-keough-priscilla-presley-lisa-marie-presley-graceland-200958899. html

riley's interview was quite lovely and vulnerable, i feel so much for everything she's been through. her comment that graceland was a place that held positive and beautiful memories for her, but is now a place of tremendous sorrow in her life broke my heart, though it's entirely understandable.

it still feels wrong for lisa to not be here. "She was just so unapologetically herself in every circumstance, and so strong... The life she had was not easy, and the treachery she endured and the lack of real love and real friends... She definitely had some great friends and relationships in her life, but I don’t think she really ever had... People were just coming for her since she was born — wanting something from her and not being totally authentic. She had to develop very thick skin. She was a very powerful presence and extremely loving and extremely loyal and sort of a lioness — a fierce woman, and a really wonderful mother... She was the best mom." :( (the most terrifying thing in my life is the thought of losing my mom, this hits me hard...)

and frankly i need everyone to calm down about cilla wanting to be laid to rest at graceland, considering the hand she's had in the legacy work, and riley said it all: "She said, "Things with Grandma will be happy" now that it's settled. "They’ve never not been happy... There was a bit of upheaval, but now everything’s going to be how it was." She called Priscilla "a beautiful woman" and credited her for being "a huge part of creating my grandfather’s legacy and Graceland. It’s very important to her. He was the love of her life. Anything that would suggest otherwise in the press makes me sad because, at the end of the day, all she wants is to love and protect Graceland and the Presley family and the legacy. That’s her whole life. So it’s a big responsibility she has tried to take on. None of that stuff has really ever been a part of our relationship prior. She’s just been my grandma.” As for reports that Priscilla, who divorced Elvis in 1973, wouldn't be able to be buried at Graceland, Riley said, "If she wants to be, of course... Sharing Graceland with the world was her idea from the start."

tbh i hope her speaking on the record puts some things to rest and brings some peace for that family, they have been through more than enough trauma and grief and deserve time to coalesce, and however the estate and everything else moves forward, i wish the best for her and the girls, they didn't choose to have that legacy or those losses and it's a lot to carry, and none of them are obligated to. i don't like a lot of what the estate/EPE is doing right now, but the family deserves to prioritize whatever is best for their well-being.

[fratboykate]

I don’t know who I am more sad for. Ereka, Yelena, or poor chubby baby Wuss who just wants one of his mommies to hold him.

I’m sad for Kate, but for different reasons than the rest of them. She needs to gain some perspective for two minutes. I totally understand where she’s coming from, and like she must have the patience of a fucking SAINT because Tom would be on his ass if it were me, but she’s being so bullheaded in trying to protect Ri from future regret that she’s enabling present stress.

Either way, Ri is already going to have a little bit of trauma over all of this. And I think she’s just going to look back at Tom with resentment over the fact that he’s not ACTUALLY spending time with her. I mean, that we see at least, right?? Because in my mind he is just wasted off his ass 24/7. No amount of going over to my dads house asa child is going to make me less resentful toward him, dead or alive, if he’s so clearly choosing to use me as a pawn to get back at my mom or throw himself a putty party. Honestly not sure what Tom’s angle is anymore. Maybe he’s just fucking sad but like damn.

Yelena sure isn’t helping any of this but goddammit does she love that child. And hate Tom, but honestly she is so real and valid for that. I am probably the saddest for her in this specific moment because oh my god…how heartbreaking. She absolutely hasn’t been respected or prioritized in any of this, and Kate needs to understand how shitty she’s making her wife feel!!!!!! And for what!? Because it doesn’t really feel like it’s for Ri right now. It feels like she’s telling herself it’s for Ri but it’s at least partially coming from a place of projection and her own wishes and regrets.

You wound me. I’m also whipped for all this emotional damage you’re inflicting.

Also all this passive aggressive “she’s YOUR child”!?!? STOP IT MY HEART HURTS. Some of us don’t like eating nails for breakfast!!

"she’s being so bullheaded in trying to protect Ri from future regret that she’s enabling present stress" AND "it doesn’t really feel like it’s for Ri right now. It feels like she’s telling herself it’s for Ri but it’s at least partially coming from a place of projection and her own wishes and regrets" DING DING DING DING you found the daddy issues she's been hiding lol

once again, it's all about whose perspective you look at it from and one of my favorite things in character work is making characters who GENUINELY believe theyre doing the right thing and you could actually argue that they ARE correct...BUT when you take a step back and see it from a different angle they're also very wrong. i think that's obviously a great recipe for villains but you can also write really interesting flawed heroes that way.

clarke in CFAU is a great example of this. kate in MAU is another. i dont think either of them were ever wrong but they're not right either and i think that's what makes them and their struggles compelling.

i mean...ri does spend time with him and his family. they're a big, loud, tight-knit family (of drunks but...still lol). tom lives with his mom since him and kate got divorced (because he's absolutely one of those coddled momma's boy. part of the problem) and the entire family is always over at the matriarchs house so she DOES spend tiem with these people who - again, in their very flawed way - do love her and consider her an important part of the family. they're all just fucked up.