#i want a ziam love to me

[louuthesunflower]

Happy 25/04 Ziam anniversary ❤️💛

[comradeocean]

"I have found myself talking out loud to you, hoping you can hear me" is a bonkers way for a celebrity to begin a public memorial statement less than 24 hrs after the death happened by someone who has possibly not personally spoken to the dead person in question for almost ten years. I cannot stop thinking about it.

In 2013, Channel 4 did a documentary called Crazy About One Direction that featured a number of high octane waaaay out there fans. I think the band was asked about it during an interview; Louis and the others basically disavowed it, saying it was an unfair representation of girls who like One Direction and the fanbase in general. He wasn't being totally selfless in sticking up for the fans, because some of those girls were profoundly sad and lonely, maybe unwell. And if your mission is to be marketed as a fun-loving carefree boyband, the last thing you'd want to be associated with are young, maladjusted, friendless girls.

Anyway, at one point, one of the girls interviewed says:

Twitter is like a prayer place. When you go to a prayer place, you feel like you’re connected to God. So when you’re on twitter, you feel like you’re connected to 1D. You just have hope. [audio description alt-text: an image of Louis as Jesus Christ]

Zayn is also the only one of the boys to have crossposted his message to twitter.

The thing about One Direction being an accident, sure, a manufactured accident, but an accident nonetheless, is that they were guileless going in, and it showed. I've been mainlining old videos this week, trying to compare those early xfactor days with their contemporaries who were trying to break out around the same time. With everyone else, it was always a band full of Liams: intensely driven little freaks. Sorry, freak is maybe too mean a word to describe that particular mix of hunger and desperation to be accomplished, to be famous, and at the bottom of it all: to be liked. There's been a conscious shaping of the persona in service of those goals: they've learned to dance, to perform, to give pitches, soundbites, hit camera marks on cue. Most of them were also older, in their early to mid twenties. It's not inconceivable to imagine such a trajectory for the most diehard theatre kid you knew from school who decided after uni or whatever ~ to follow their dreams ~. That was the more typical boyband background. (not Liam though. lad was fourteen. he was closer to another subspecies of the genus: the child star)

And 1D in contrast were unpracticed, unstudied, as Zayn put it in that slightly off-kilter way of his (which I always imagine to be indicative of a disjunction between the vocabulary one encounters in school and what everyone around them is used to speaking), "novice children."

Like, truly, they did not give a fuck cos it hadn't yet occurred to them they were supposed to. Liam aside, industry norms were a complete mystery to them, and for many years, they managed to inhabit that sweet spot of flippancy without contempt, whether it was about the project, themselves, or their audience. Liam tells the story about being the go-between for xfactor stylists and the boys and getting into so much trouble on their behalf for wearing human-sized babygrows during a video diary. "Because Westlife would never wear those." [The punchline he then delivers is that Westlife members were pictured wearing onesies soon after. (quite possibly due to how viral anything 1D-related got)]

The boys were so immature. The whole boyband thing had fallen into their laps. They were just happy to be there! This thing that they didn't even know they wanted, they somehow got, and it took the shape of four other boys in exactly the same situation. It comes across very strongly how taken they were with themselves and each other. Find yourself a guy who looks at you the way blah Larry Stylinson blah blah Ziam blah blah blah. Never mind that cos they were all actually so hyped with each other. Any time any of them says anything remotely clever, or funny, or notable, the rest of them lose their shit like they're in on the same hilarious joke. Even if there was no actual joke. Their entire existence at that point was the joke bc how on earth had they landed from where they'd been — small deadend towns hollowing out from deindustrialization — to where they ended up — the xfactor house headed for the very top about to win it all, in the way they did — saved from bootcamp elimination at the last minute, with who they did — four other working class boys they would have never been friends with in another life. It must have been a high like a kind of limerence, like finding long lost family members on the exact same wavelength, like love.

And that was the other key thing about the stratospheric rise of One Direction. We didn't love One Direction only because we loved this or that member. We loved them because they loved each other, because they loved themselves, because they loved us. And they used the internet to show it.

In 2010, mass social media platforms were in their nascence, which is to say, the exploration of how to be a person, with other people, online, at a broad level not limited to specific subcultures, was in its nascence. For many years now, given the levels of extreme over-exposure, the dominant mood has become the mortifying ordeal of being perceived and so on. We've somehow all adopted mini-celebrity mindsets of our own, weary of being exposed to the maw of an unseen public. To be known is to be surveilled.

But the boys individually and at the collective level invited surveillance back then. Because the inverse — to be surveilled is to be known — seemed more relevant for that moment, at the beginning. They made a point of living their newfound lives at least partially online.

They were constantly on twitter, they livestreamed with a dedication that rivaled x-factor video producers, and none more so than Liam. It was already reality tv, this was just the next bleeding edge of "real": the unfiltered, unedited, direct sharing of yourself and what you loved in the last days of the old free-as-in-freedom internet.

When they said, over and over again, that it was all about the fans, it was meant in a very literal sense. Social media and the reality it created produced a feedback loop between the love they had for each other and the band, and the love we had for them, until it was inseparable: their relationships, our relationships, the process itself. Parasociality as it is currently manifested might have found its first mass expression through One Direction.

In separate interviews from This is Us (2013) deleted scenes, Liam and Louis say that Zayn wears his heart on his sleeve. Yet within the best-friends-slash-brothers-for-life schema cultivated as the One Direction vibe, he did not seem necessarily exceptional in his frequent declarations of love and fellow-feeling for various band mates. What he did ultimately end up doing was pulling the trigger on the contractual form their relationships were bound within, such that the I-love-you's inevitably passed from unpracticed to rote to a mandatory matter of their livelihoods. Someone had to be the first to explicitly and consciously decide that this "love" was no longer something they could continue participating in.

From the same set of deleted interview, in a somewhat fitting twist of symmetry, Louis and Zayn go on and on (much longer than Niall or Harry) about how Liam had been the serious and sensible one, but they've managed to corrupt him a little. It makes sense to assume that Zayn is referring to the band in general, but one can also read it to mean the two of them specifically, being the eldest, and their meta-cognition of the terms and conditions imposed by One Direction as a phenomenon.

The love the members of One Direction had for each other and the band and the fans was undeniably "real." The making of that "realness" was conditioned by the x factor throwing together four boys who had very little reference for what the fuck they had gotten themselves into, and Liam. Liam was the intermediary. He was already a creature twisted up and contorting, trying his level best to wedge himself into whatever spaces there could be found in the juggernaut of the entertainment industry. His neuroses and anxieties made the rest of One Direction possible, made One Direction "real" and "not like the other boybands" because that DNA, that what-not-to-do instruction manual could just be crammed into him, and the rest of them could be let loose into the world, unburdened by expectation, free to not give a fuck.

Louis and Zayn's raw, unpolished, typo-ridden letters were the most direct and irrefutable way they knew to swear fidelity to the boy they knew, the band they built, and the lives they lived together. The unfathomable ether of the internet, of the fans, of the massed publics seen and unseen made them, it destroyed their senses of self in ways they could weather until they couldn't, and it's into this ether they send their words, their grief, something real of themselves. Because in the universe of One Direction, this is the orthopraxis by which one proclaims one's faith and one's hopes. This is the prayer place that transcends distance, time, even death. This is how their brother could somehow, some way, still feel their love.

[quietzap]

how do you navigate your feelings towards ziam and cheryl/bear/kate/maya on top of this immense grief? i don't mean to be insensitive but i haven't found an answer for myself yet, i can't believe we'll never get answers now

(To anyone seeing this, read until the end before saying anything thank you.) Well. I'm gonna ramble a bit but bear with me. Spotify played Let Me and Common on shuffle the other day and I cried a bit. It's unfair. It should've never ended this way. But I had already accepted ages ago that we might never know the truth. I still have my beliefs. That Zayn and Liam were together. Maybe they had broken up who knows but if they did then I still truly believe their bond was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I've gone through so many emotions this past week. But seeing the posts of cheryl etcetc or people mentioning bear (Zayn was the only one who didn't fwiw), it didn't make me feel anything. Maybe bc I had already accepted we couldn't do anything about the stunts, and/or maybe bc it's still difficult for me to accept he's really gone or bc it doesn't matter to me at this moment. Or bc I haven't actually sat down to think about what it means that he's gone. I've just been thinking of the pain all of Liam's loved ones are in right now and will be in for the foreseeable future. And I include Zayn in this. I also don't really want to think about it bc I think I might get angry. We've all seen Liam's video on snapchat from last month, where he said he was stunting and forced to do things he didn't want to do and to send help. I often used to say that I didn't understand why the boys accepted this situation instead of just getting out, consequences be damned. Ofc it's easier said than done. But I thought maybe they thought it was worth it in some way. But then, Louis got out. Zayn got out. (In some way, I mean they have privacy and a real career, like Niall and Harry). I guess I will never understand why Liam was still the only one so stuck in this shitty situation. Why couldn't he live his life in peace like Zayn and only appear when he released music? Why couldn't he find a better team or why did he even accept to go along for so long? Why did people let him? Why?! That's what I want to know. Fucking why. And I want Liam's image/reputation to be redeemed. Anyway I digressed I'm sorry.

I just sincerely hope Zayn will be ok. Jaymi who was in Union J lost his soon-to-be-husband a couple months ago (Olly was buried the day they were supposed to get married last month). They'd been together for 14 years. And Olly died in similar circumstances (a fall from the 3rd floor of a hotel). And as incredibly awful as this is, knowing that other people are going through similar grief helps a bit, and I hope it will help Zayn and Liam's loved ones know they're not alone. (Edit: I'm not saying these deaths are linked, Olly's death is an accident, Jaymi was there when it happened. This paragraph is about not being fully alone in grief because other ppl go through similar things).

Idek if I've answered your question. I guess basically the stunts don't cross my mind coz it's not important to me. These past few years when Liam was alive it wasn't important (tho I hated it) bc I accepted the boys made their own choices. And now it's not important bc it won't bring Liam back and bc his loved ones matter more to me. Now, if I'm actually wrong about my beliefs then it is what it is and I feel for his exes/gf/child, and if the maya thing is true I still think addiction made him act that way and that if he'd got a chance to really get better this wouldn't have happened again. If I'm not wrong tho, I truly feel for Zayn who doesn't get to grieve the way he deserves to. Tho I'm glad he has loved ones who know the truth and who can support him the right way.

I hope this helps. Feel free to tell me if you want to discuss this further or anything ❤️

(Link to the videos of Liam from snapchat: x)

[daisiesonafield-blog]

I wanted to make my stance clear on something after seeing some tags on a post I made from Zayn's Leeds show, and hearing some things being said in fandom spaces. I have never thought Zayn's and Liam's relationship has ever been anything but friendship. It's very clear to me, especially after Liam's passing, that was the case and I don't welcome speculation of a romance or closeted relationship between them. It's very clear Zayn considers Liam a brother, who he lost and who he is grieving. I truly find it disturbing that people are trying to distort his grief into something other in order to drive some fan agenda in the follow up of Liam's passing. It's a harsh reality but their friendship was distant in the most recent years, and that was also clear in Zayn's statement. The loss, the regret, the love and the sorrow. It's a complicated thing to lose a friend like that. In any way really. My point is, they were friends. And just for clarity's sake: since I like to catalog things in this blog for record keeping, if I tag posts about them with the tag "ziam", it is because that's the mash up of their names, just like all the other mashups from the band, and it's in reference to their relationship as friends.

[watchingsunrises]

Ziam is real, climb on board

For the first time, we’re experiencing a genuine influx of people looking into Ziam, the real relationship between Zayn and Liam. And honestly it’s about time. It’s always been so beautiful and devoted and consistent and visible to those willing to invest and find out for themselves. It’s also been so unseen and dismissed and a bit buried by Larry too. I’m a Larry too, but right now I’m all about Ziam. I’m really happy Ziam is getting there deserved time seeing some light.

I’m not here to convince anyone. Ziam isn’t new, it has been around and discussed and real since 2012 when we believe their relationship started extending beyond friendship. There is an existing treasure trove that can be sought out by people willing to open their mind and examine it, especially from Zayn and Liam themselves. Right from the start and up until present day. 

The truth is we are experiencing a moment we weren’t expecting. First with Liam’s death. Now with Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. 

People are interested in Liam and that is a normal reaction. People are noticing a lot of things that don’t make sense and are curious and questioning that. People can’t make sense about his relationship with his “girlfriend”, the public PR performance at his funeral of a select group of celebrities (all aligned with Modest, Simon Jones PR or existing narratives regarding the boys) and of course the narrative around his “son” Bear.

Usually when things don’t make sense, there is a good reason, we know this with Larry too, and so in the same way people should look and critically engage. Gaps can’t always be filled when we are dealing with public media narratives that then clearly don’t align with who a person really is consistently as a human. It's pretty hard work for all involved to contain a decades plus closet, in times like this. That is a big part of what people are noticing with Liam. They should question public narratives and media. Liam wanted to be seen and heard for who he really was, and celebrating and talking about Ziam right now is one of the biggest parts of seeing and knowing Liam. Its not disrespectful if you've done the work to see and know, just like with Larry.

Now we also finally have Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. Seeing him on stage after a 10 year wait is kind of exhilarating and like any of the boys you get a reminder on stage of who the person really is, really leaning in and hearing the lyrics live and seeing his being. Zayn is very definitely coding to us in a way that he hasn’t been able to do so before. He knew we would be looking and he wants to be seen. He is literally telling us that he is honest and truthful in his music. Zayn’s public narrative has never made sense either, it's all the same closeting stuff. Copy of a copy of a copy.

The narrative set up for Room Under the Stairs was actually quite strange, and in reality it translates very poorly to the lyrics and the emotions. So many gaps and things that don't make sense. In the future I will share some analysis on RUTS. I’ve been immersed in the album non-stop since May. The album to me is mostly about his closet - the pain it has caused him, the effect it has had on his relationship, the pain and effect it has had on his long term partner, the ways in which he has had to reframe his mindset to live within the reality of his closet, the ways he has changed his lifestyle to focus on the simple things in life to help his mental health impacted by his closet (and other things). Yet throughout all that heartbreaking pain, he still talks about his person, his lover, he refers to 'they' in many key lyrics, he brings his partner into the lyrics clearly, lyrics that clearly refer back to past and present times. Its the same person, it always has been in Zayn's lyrics. He tells them and us that he wouldn’t change anything despite all that pain, that their love has been worth it, that he is devoted, that their love was like stardust from the start until forever. The most specific songs relating to his person haven't been included on the tour setlist - How it Feels, The Time, False Starts, Grateful, Something in the Water and of course Stardust. They are the strongest songs on the album, the ones that have made me cry non-stop for the last 6 months. I suspect he rearranged the setlist, they would have been too hard to sing live. Instead we see a few B sides we wouldn't have expected on tour. I hope more people will listen to RUTS, it's absolutely devastating, empowering and life affirming and you can really see and feel who Zayn is.

Enjoy your Ziam journey if you decide to take it.

[donovankinard]

hello!!! monthly recs just dropped, and BOY have i read some good ones this november. you can check out this months 911 rec list on the tag, and check back at the end of december for next month's! this is the first time i've actually done these as a formatted, planned thing, but i've given out some rec lists before. this month we've got mostly larry, but a little ziam sprinkled in there, even some qpr zouis!

🎤 I've Been Waiting (To Let Go Of Myself) || onlyangelolivia harry styles/louis tomlinson || 2.3k After a drunken night in 2024, Harry and Louis get back together for the first time since 2017. It brings about some questions about their relationship and how they'll go forward - if they go forward at all.

🎤 Still Dreamin' Bout You || @ireallysawanangel harry styles/louis tomlinson || 3.1k Harry doesn’t pay much attention to football. That’s proven even more apparent when the biggest football star in the UK walks into his juice bar and he doesn’t even notice. He does start to take notice when that football star keeps coming back.

🎤 limelight || @dehydratedpool harry styles/louis tomlinson || 20k During his first semester at Boston University circa 1989, a shy, socially awkward Harry meets a kind, outspoken Louis. In an attempt to show Louis how he feels, he creates a mixtape of songs. But Harry’s deep anxieties cloud him, and he can’t seem to understand whether or not Louis even wants him around, let alone likes him back. BLFF #175: 80s/90s AU (preferably high school or uni) in which a pining Harry burns Louis a CD with a bunch of love songs on it. With a side of angst please.

🎤 I'd Choose You Over Sleep || @homosociallyyours harry styles/louis tomlinson || 2.1k If there's one thing Louis values, it's a bit of sleeping in on the weekends. There's very little she'll let come between her and those few precious hours of the day. Harry might just make her shift her priorities. At least a little.

🎤 Jealous Hearts and Silk Nights || MoneyboxD zayn malik/liam payne || 4k Zayn and Liam show up to dinner mad at each other, but the night takes a turn when a flirty waiter sets his sights on Liam. Zayn? Not having it. Liam? Loving the chaos a little too much. Between jealous glares, smug smirks, and whispered promises, it’s clear this couple knows how to keep things interesting—even when they’re mad.

🎤 this cage was once just fine || @daggerandrose harry styles/louis tomlinson || 3.3k Harry expected Louis�� camaraderie to last only as long as they lived in the same dorm, but when Louis quite literally yelled across the dining hall for Harry to come sit with him the next school year, Harry was pleased to find that Louis’ friendship was more than just forced proximity. Now, hundreds of texts, FaceTimes, and even a week long summer vacation later, Harry and Louis are practically inseparable. Or the one where Harry pines for Louis

🎤 Fall and Rise of 1D || mysquitelouis harry styles/louis tomlinson || 12.5k Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles have always shared a complicated bond, hidden beneath years of friendship and tension. As One Direction’s “On the Road Again” tour comes to an end, the band unravels—only to discover that management orchestrated their breakup with hidden contracts. Fueled by betrayal, Louis and Harry take legal action, uncovering shocking truths about Zayn’s departure and the manipulation that tore them apart. As the band fights to reunite, Niall and Liam come forward with heartfelt apologies, and Louis and Harry are forced to confront their feelings for each other. Can they rebuild their careers—and their love—while navigating the chaos of a broken band?

🎤 Breathe Me In || niallshouse harry styles/louis tomlinson || 2.6k A cold-induced asthma attack lands Harry in A&E and Louis is there to comfort him.

🎤 Trouble up (in hotel rooms) || @larryisinlove harry styles/louis tomlinson || 9.8k “Isn't this room 82?” Louis asked. Because he was confused, because that wasn't Liam, because those serene but serious green eyes intimidated him and because he had never, in all his life, felt as embarrassed as he did in that moment, and he couldn't think of anything else to say. “No,” replied the brown-haired man, in a hoarse voice; perhaps because he had just woken up, or because he was upset, or perhaps a mixture of both. “This is room 28”. “Oh” was all Louis could answer, as he wished that the carpet would swallow him up and make him disappear from probably the most uncomfortable moment of his life.

🎤 Maroon - The Lips I Used To Call Home || Anonymous harry styles/louis tomlinson || 4k The air in the apartment was cold, the cracked window was letting in the bite of winter but they didn’t feel it yet. Their skin was still warm, their bodies humming with the aftershocks of what had just happened. And yet, there was always the question, the one Harry couldn’t escape no matter how far he tried to run from it: Is it really over? Or a Maroon inspired one shot where everything’s uncertain and a tiny bit angsty. Really though, it’s not sad.

🎤 Special Instructions || @haztobegood zayn malik/louis tomlinson || 2.2k He didn’t mean for the drawings to become a thing. But they have. Every Tuesday night around eight o’clock, a take out order from Louis T. appears. Each order has new special instructions, requesting some change to the carefully curated dishes that Zayn has concocted. And every Tuesday night, Zayn doodles a response to those special instructions.

🎤 I'd Rather You (Hold Me) || @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed QPR zayn malik/louis tomlinson || 14.1k It’s just - this isn’t like them. It isn’t like Zayn to dodge his calls for days, not unless he’s seriously incapacitated or dead, but if that were the case, Louis would’ve heard. Because Louis is his emergency contact, for one, and both their families know how much they mean to one another. Someone would’ve called, if something had happened, unless Zayn was dead in his own house, and, oh God, what if Zayn’s dead in his own house and Louis has been mentally calling him a dickhead while he’s rotting on the bathroom floor? Spoiler: Zayn isn't dead. There is however, suddenly a baby.

STATS: # of fics: 12 # of authors: 12 # of words read: 79.5k

[theeliampayne]

here's some fics I've enjoyed in April! Hoping to make one of these every month from now on. If you read any of these, please leave the authors kudos and/or comments!

skinny dip (in water under the bridge) by @itsnotreal / hazzahtomlinson (880) [louis/harry]

It’s a Wednesday and nostalgia might just get the best of Louis.

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover. by ziamscherry (921) [zayn/liam]

Liam proposes twice and Zayn finally says yes.

I'll knock on your door, it will save me from calling by @hl-obsessed / hl-obsessed (RozaDhampir) (5.7k) [zouis/larry/ziam]

Louis hears "Good Years" for the first time. Harry is there to pick up the pieces. or Zayn makes some questionable choices. Louis makes some long awaited moves. Sometimes heart broken all over again is the first step to healing and making everything right again. *** Dedicated to everyone who ever lost a friend, and still don't know why.

I Roll 'til I Change My Luck by @larry-hiatus (8.4k) [louis/harry]

Dating is hard enough when you're gay. When Louis reveals to his Tinder matches that he uses a wheelchair and has a service dog, things tend to get even more complicated. Too bad the guys on dating apps aren't as sweet and understanding as his best friend Harry...

I Want You Here With Me (Like How I Pictured It) by @enchantedlandcoffee (345) [louis/harry]

"I just- Everyone was there and- and they were all happy and in love and I just- I needed to get out of there, Lou." Harry sniffled, wrapping his coat closer to himself as he trudged down the street. "It's not fair. It's not fair that they all get to be happy and in love and have their partners with them when I can't be with you." OR The one where Harry misses Louis

[tarnished-butsogrand]

i feel bad for zayn.

idk what his current equation with liam was.. but he was so soft with liam always. i dont know how he's coping.. i hope he ahs support around him.

Oh, anon! When I read Zayn's tribute for Liam, I- The regret in his words that he didn't make up with him before he died, I can't imagine how much the thought of it must be haunting him. I really don't care who pushed who against the wall, or butted heads. There's a love there that none of us will ever understand.

'I have found myself talking out loud to you, hoping you'd hear me.' 'Can't explain to you what I'd give to just give you a hug one last time and say goodbye to you properly and tell you that I loved and respected you dearly.' Those minor arguments must have seemed so miniscule in the grand scheme of things. When we take someone's presence in our life for granted, there's a lot we don't say, or we don't do. Doesn't mean we love them any less. It's just so heartbreaking that they had so much love for each other and didn't get to make it known. I can't imagine a bigger tragedy than this, honestly.

Zayn was always labelled as a bad boy, with tattoos and piercings and a cigarette behind his ear. I don't want to go into the reason behind this *cough cough* racism *cough cough.* It's so clear it's just a farce. This guy, who reads poetry, paints, and cries because he couldn't save his chicken. Mr. Malik has always been a softie at heart and the person who brought it out the most in him was Liam. With Louis, he could be all Bus 1 and sharp tongues and I -don't -give- a -shit, but with Liam- right from the start, he has been the warmest. All hugs, warm smiles and 'Leeyum'. Like Liam was the most adorable thing he had ever seen, which I don't blame him for. They were always cuddling and nuzzling each other. It was clear they meant a lot to each other. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Right next to you, Leeyum.

I, for one, hoped so desperately that someday we might have Zayn and Liam collab on a song- can you imagine? The notes they would hit together. Anyway, it's too late now and that's just so devastating to say.

Sending lots of love to Zayn, hope he is able to grieve in peace. My heart breaks for him. Ziam will always remain my golden boys.

[awesomefringey]

Hii! So, I don’t know if you believe in Ziam or you’re just larrie, but it doesn’t really matter. I believe, 100%, in both. The only odd thing is why cannot they be free/out? It’s 2024. It has been 14 years since x-factor. Aren’t their contracts with Syco over? Are they still under Simon or what? I just don’t understand why can’t they say the truth when they’re all under different labels now.

Hey nonnie! This is such a good question. I’m not sure if what we referred to as “freedom” in 2015 means the same thing in 2024. The circumstances are so different these days. The real question is, what’s there to gain from coming out now?

Back then, they were trapped in the messy situation their management created to maintain the band’s squeaky-clean image and keep their most marketable band mates available as fantasy material for their main target group, teenage girls.

From the beginning of their careers, they were involved in stunts and actions designed to cover up their sexuality and provide enough tabloid fodder for the British press to keep the band going. Their closeting strategies were always connected to the careers of others. Back then, all of One Direction. Later the careers of their popular girlfriends who have their own brands and enterprises to protect. It isn’t all that simple, if not near impossible to come out in 2024 without creating a huge scandal for so many people. I don’t think Louis or Harry want that for themselves or the people involved.

So these days, I think their idea of freedom is involves protection of their privacy and their love life from the general public and the gossip tabloids. Another factor is being able to turn their “weakness” into their strength by utilizing romance to their benefit, since dating will always be their most influential tool to get attention around themselves, their art, their projects, their endorsement deals.

As much as I’d love to see a British Vogue cover shoot featuring them in a South English castle (Louis in Harris Tweed like he stepped out of Peaky Blinders, towering behind Harry who is lounging on an expensive sofa in a silky onesie. Louis’ hand softly lying on Harry’s shoulder, Harry’s hand on top, both staring at the camera) with a headline like "But Daddy, I Love Him" and a ten-page interview explaining why they had to hide and why they’re done now…

I think the reality would be quite different... Such a personal statement would likely lead to excruciating exploitation, with countless exclusives from people around them who were once bound by NDAs, and a flood of articles about their exes, all trying to salvage their reputations and explain their roles in keeping the two hidden. To me, nothing about this scenario sounds like “freedom”.

[larryatendoftheday]

This year I craved stories that transported me somewhere else. So in addition to my usual weakness for angst, I sought out fics with surprising plots and excellent world-building. These were the ones that really stuck with me. Thank you to these creators and to everyone who shares art or writing or creates fic rec lists. You have been and will continue to be a fantastic gift to so many. Thank you <3

Note: The fics in this list were published in many different years. They are not in a particular order. The main pairing is Louis/Harry unless otherwise noted.

Party Lines by nonsensedarling @absoloutenonsense Explicit | 25k | Phone Sex Operator

Several of my all time favorite fics are phone sex operator AUs, and this fic is an iconic addition because Louis isn’t even actually a phone sex operator. He’s pretending, and he gets attached. Full of sexy, sweet, and funny dialogue and the appropriate amount of suffering and uncertainty, this fic will transport you to an excellent alternate universe.

War Of Hearts by BoosBabycakes @boosbabycakes28 Explicit | 80 k | Enemies to Lovers / Non-traditional ABO

I live for a well-executed enemies to lovers arc, and this is it. Believable, sweet, funny, angsty, and oh so satisfying to read. Alpha Harry doesn’t fit his gender’s stereotypes, especially in private. His arch-nemesis Louis knocks on his dorm-room door in the middle of a pampering self-care night and sees the side of Harry that he keeps hidden. What follows is a fantastic gAyBO story about repressing, exploring, and accepting your true self. There is a strong cast of OT5 and related people that keep you laughing and believing. Honestly, I need to re-read this right now.

Men of Steel, Men of Power by Stria (Asia117) @nooradeservedbetter Explicit | 58k | Political Revolution / ABO

Get ready to be absolutely consumed by this parallel universe and the angst-ridden reality of Louis, pretend alpha and head of security, and Harry, feminine alpha and new-hire. There is enjoyable intrigue, mystery, crying, sex, political philosophizing, and some spy movie shit as Louis attempts to right wrongs and push back against those in power. OT5 pop up in surprising and satisfying ways. However, perhaps most notable to me was the attention to detail in how Louis deals with pretending to be a gender he is not. (Perhaps don’t read while in your gender dysphoria feels but do read to feel seen.)

what's left of my halo's black by LiveLaughLoveLarry @loveislarryislove Explicit | 22k | Friends with Benefits / Angst

If you love pain, this fic is for you. A heartbroken and emotionally damaged Louis manages his problems—such as being a wedding planner and the impact of his abusive ex--by secretly fucking his coworker Harry. It turns out this doesn’t actually solve his problems, though, and new issues emerge from what was supposed to be a simple friends-with-benefits arrangement.

turn me up by turnyourankle  Explicit | 3k | Hanky Code PWP | Louis/Luke Malak

I found this while searching for @1dhankyfest content, and I love it. There’s something about unabashed gay sex culture that revives my soul.

Paint Me In A Million Dreams by green_feelings @greenfeelings Mature | 112k | Fake Dating / Enemies to Lovers

Hollywood actor Harry Styles is gutted when the man he can’t stand gets the Scorsese role he wanted. It gets worse when their teams conspire to set them up in a fake relationship to promote the film. I read this fic in the first days of 2023, so the details are a bit blurry in my memory. I know I loved the enemies to lovers arc, the strong Ziam subplot, and Harry obsessing over his unavailable crush (which isn’t Louis). In my comment, I wrote, “My heart absolutely ached with the pining and angst, and the sexual tension was so palpable.”

Gonna Dream of How You ... by therogueskimo Explicit | 4k | PWP / Canon-compliant

This canon-based fic was so steamy and tender. Photos of Louis performing in a tanktop get Harry going. What follows is some long-distance edging and fun. It features soft Dom Louis and desperate Harry and just really hits all the right notes in my opinion.

Almost Misheard by tommokat @tommokat Teen and Up | 4k | Friends to Lovers / ABO

This is a comfort fic. It’s got hilarious fluff about best friends who realize what their inner alpha and omega knew all along. (The rest of the gang might be in on the secret too.) I’m almost amazed by fics that manage to pull me in with believable characters and storylines without any angst, and this one delivers on every front. You’ll be grinning the whole time.

Coax the Cold by MediaWhore @mediawhorefics Mature | 86k | Mermaid / Historical AU

Professor Tomlinson is fascinated by the occult. When a circus advertises a unique sea creature, he decides to go undercover as a janitor to get close. He plans to write the paper that will finally prove he was right about the existence of fantastical creatures. This author expertly builds the world of this fic – 1800s Britain, academia, and freak shows. I loved the believable cast of characters (OT5 and more!) and the stakes that are set, including the horrid antagonists.

fondre ton absence by scrunchyharry @scrunchyharry Teen and Up| 41k | Amnesia / Historical AU

Harry and Louis childhood best friends who grew up and discovered love together in a quiet village. Harry manages asthma and chronic illness that often leaves him homebound with his books, but Louis always keeps him company. Their simple life is turned upside down when Louis is drafted in WWI and does not return home. Then, when Harry finally finds him, Louis doesn’t remember anything. This story was a tearjerker but so beautifully written. I adored that portions of the story were told in letters and that Harry often referred to literary works. Bonus: This fic has amazing visuals by whenthebodiesspeak.

be a good boy, Harry by stretchmybones Explicit | 1k | PWP / Pet play

Harry wants to play, but Louis is busy watching football, so he asks Harry to wait. I haven’t stopped thinking about this domestic and sexy little slice of life since I read it in January of 2023. My comment said “simple and perfect,” and I still agree.

The Heart's Home by homosociallyyours @homosociallyyours Teen and Up | 10k | Squiddry

Someone wrote the Music for a Sushi Restaurant fic of my dreams. Half-man, half-squid, with the voice of an angel, Harry is quite the catch. Louis, an exhausted and lonely restaurant employee, is tasked with keeping an eye on the special find. This story was so entertaining and sweet. It filled me up with good vibes and left me happier than I started.  

~~~~

I always include my favorite fic that I published that year at the end of these lists. I didn’t publish much, but I really enjoyed this one.

In His Rightful Place by larryatendoftheday @larryatendoftheday Explicit | 2.7k | PWP

Harry reunites with Louis and gets to reclaim his role as the person who fucks his boyfriend best.

[artistsof1d]

1D Artist Masterlist

An ongoing list of artists willing to create art for you and your fics! Will be updated as more artists sign up using the form here.

To prevent minors from seeing 18+ content, we have decided to have 18+ members only 💕

Ash

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Manips, Comics

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: I prefer creating Louis, Harry and Larry fan art as that's what I'm used to, however I am working on my style more to include the other boys. But for now, Harry, Louis and Larry. I prefer not to create nsfw fan art at this moment in time, but can create suggestive manips and moodboards. Also, I prefer to create for more fluffy topics and stay away from dark and dddne themes. My style at the moment is mainly cartoon-like but I am working on my more realistic art.

Will NOT create: NSFW fan art, dark and DDDNE themes. Art for pairings outside of the 1D boys (exceptions to Lewis Capaldi).

Timeline: At least 2-3 weeks beforehand

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @enchantedlandcoffee

Discord: enchantedlandcoffee

Email: enchantedlandcoffee@gmail.com

Twitter: ashtheduckling

---

Zjo

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: i’m mediocre at moodboards, so i prefer to make drawn art, but i’m happy to make a moodboard if someone really wants one, lol

Will NOT create: ships that are not between some combination of the five boys- no external pairings plz

Timeline: depends on what you want! if you want something quick and small, a week will generally be fine. if you want something involved and complex, i’ll need more time.

Commission information: i do not take money for art, but if people want to donate in my name to specific causes, i will happily encourage that

Contact info:

Tumblr: @justanothershadeofblue

---

T

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: the OT5 boys

Will NOT create: no violence, no gore, no non-1D characters

Timeline: few weeks is probably fine

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @feelmytraces

---

Kal

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Video Trailers

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: I love drawing any of the 1d boys, portraits particularly ! larry especially are wonderful to draw

Will NOT create: I don’t do anything non-con related or nsfw for characters or people under 18. you COULD ask me to create art with animals but I cannot guarantee it will be good. I also generally don’t do chibi art. I reserve the right to say no to anything, but if you’re unsure about something, don’t hesitate to ask !

Timeline: anywhere from 1-3 weeks, depending on the complexity of the project/whether it’s just lineart or colored

Commission information: none - but I do have a ko-fi if anyone *really* feels the need to give money

Contact info:

Tumblr: @louieshalo

Twitter: louieshalo

Email: louieshalo@gmail.com

---

Tiffany

Link to art

Art Styles: Manips

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: larry!

Will NOT create: ziam (too many tattoos….unless your manip request doesn’t include their tattoos!)

Timeline: typical turn around is a couple days

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @liminalkitty369

Twitter: liminalkitty369

---

Christina

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Moodboards, Edits

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: nope!

Will NOT create: nope!

Timeline: 1-2 days in advance

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @louisgayvodka

---

Gigi

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: Prefer Harry as I find him easiest to replicate but happy to give lots of things a go. I tend to replicate specific styles like hanna barbera, animal crossing etc

Will NOT create: Not sure!

Timeline: A month? But flexible depending on the time of year

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @ohharold

---

An

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: b!louis art, any ship with louis included, rare pairs are okay too!

Will NOT create: ships without louis, b!harry art

Timeline: at least 10 days preferably

Commission information: Commissions

Contact info:

Tumblr: @lemelous

Twitter: lemelous

Email: lemelous@gmail.com

---

Lou

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Moodboards, Gifsets. i can attempt gif manips (you can find some in my creations) but it might take a bit of time to make those.

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: any topic that isn’t too specific is fine with me as it’s sometimes hard to look for clear footage of certain things. as for ships, i’d prefer any within the 1d boys, and only louis rare pairs. as for girl direction, i can attempt to make something with gifs but it wouldn’t include faces.

Will NOT create: no full faces of kids, no underage (<18), no age regression, no daddy kink, no rape (even if it’s not between the main pairing), no incest/selfcest. i can’t think of anything else at the moment but i’m willing to talk to the author before deciding if i can help with their visuals or not.

Timeline: if they only want moodboards with pics, it can be two days prior. if they want a simple gifset (not specific footage), five days prior. if it’s a very specific topic and it must be included in their visuals or if it’s a gif manip, one to two weeks prior. they can contact me way before their deadline, it’s better to give them more options.

Commission information: if they want to tip me, they can do it at: https://ko-fi.com/nouies

Contact info:

Tumblr: @nouies

Email: nouieswrites@gmail.com

---

Shan

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Graphic Posters

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: Louis, Harry, Larry

Will NOT Create: characters I am willing to try any. tho i am not comfortable with dddne topics

Timeline: a week or two at least

Commission information: None

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @tomlinsins

---

Rae

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Manips, Video Trailers

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: larry, louis, and harry mostly, but i am willing to try out other ships just nothing outside of ot5. i feel comfortable drawing anything nsfw or sfw. i also love to create moodboards/covers and have slowly been making manips. i have a job in videography, so if there is a video trailer needed i would need a lot of time in advance since i do a lot of other video projects and art/moodboards/manips are quicker and easier!

Will NOT Create: i really don't draw anything too dark (anything that might fall under dddne, extreme gore, certain kinks, ect) but im willing to discuss and work with you depending on the topic/contents.

Timeline: preferably 2 weeks for a drawing or manip, one week for a moodboard and 1-3 months for a video, depending on length/content.

Commission Information: I don't charge for my art but I do have a ko-fi if people want to leave a tip

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @28goldens

Twitter: 28goldensart

Discord: rae.raeokay

---

Biz

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: Louis bl, Harry, Larry

Will NOT Create: Any other member of 1d or very explicit requests

Timeline: A 2 week window

Commission Information: None

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @vrebty

---

[jaesama]

Ok, so I'm fairly new to the 1d fandom due to the unfortunate fact that I was born, like, two years before the band was formed. And, like, I became a part of the ziam fandom around an year ago (ilysm's videos and scottmcniceass' works on ao3 were my gateway drugs basically). Although I only got comfortable with Tumblr and social media a few months back (I'm a 16 year old fyi. A really inexperienced one), I found comfort in a lot of old ziam blogs (like yours; love your art), and since writing has always been my safe space, I decided that once next year came around and my hectic school life calmed down a bit I would post fanfics on ao3 -- mostly because there are a lot of stories I wish to share about the boys. I posted one in February before life got in the way (lol).

This past month I've been rereading a lot of my old favorites for that sense of comfort and, well, nostalgia, but I just can't bring myself to write a story with liam in it even though I want to. There's one part of me that knows that this is my way of showing love and reverence for someone. But then there's the other part of me that feels like it's just wrong. I don't know. Your thoughts?

(also I'm really sorry about the rambling and the sharing-my-life-story-in-your-ask-box. )

omgosh youre a baby directioner 😭❤️ the way i see it, as long as you're not being disrespectful or bringing harm to liam's memory in any way, i don't see why it would be a problem. writing is a form of art and expression, and we all know how liam was a huge advocate of expressing yourself in all forms. but please do whatever you feel is right. i personally hope that people continue to write about him because, for me, it keeps his memory alive even if it's through a fictional world. i would be more distraught if people chose to stop writing about him completely 😢

[merrybloomwrites]

Any favorite A/B/O tropes?

I have 2 A/B/O series that I’m going to be working on soon! One is alpha!niall x omega!reader (side ziam and Larry) and the other is a whole one direction pack fic where reader is the omega and the rest are alphas and betas.

Are there any elements you would want to see? I feel like I included a lot in my alpha!harry story but I’m sure I missed some. I’m hoping to keep these all fresh and different so I’d love to include some new aspects! And of course I’ll reuse some favorites (scenting? Omega drop? Can’t write a story without those!)

Feel free to comment requests/ideas here, ask a question on my page, or message me!

[wishingicouldfly]

Favorite Fics 2023

Happy 2024! I always have a hard time narrowing down my favorites. A few stats this year, I read 155 fics (according to my admittedly not 100% correct database), and it's low because I've been watching LGBTQ+ media and reading less. I had 50+ fics that I rated 5/5, so narrowing down to 14 was me cutting out shorts, holiday fics, and rereads. These are in no particular order.

All is now Harmed by Fondleeds

It's still that dreamy kind of dark, nothing seeming real, but he knows that it's time to go, to whistle for Pippa and eat whatever he's got left in the fridge and start the drive down to Molly's. He can't seem to open the door. Maybe he doesn't want to face it, this new thing. Having Louis here feels like a betrayal. Harry tries not to think about what his Dad would have to say if he saw the journo sleeping on their pull-out, here to shake a settled sheet and watch the dust fly again. - AU. Harry's a farmer, Louis writes for The Age, and it hasn't rained in the Bourke Shire for six years.

Why I Like It: This is Excellent, but after 123K words, it's a WIP. Unfinished since May 2022, but that said, the writing is gorgeous, and I think that alone makes it worth the read.

2. Angels Fly by LilyBlue28

Harry is a lonely omega in the North Western White River Pack who is uncharacteristically drawn to nature and his now outdated primal instincts. He fills his days with going through the motions and clinging to the one actual friendship he has in the omega Zayn, and when he gets a chance he sneaks away to the edge of their territory to sit with the trees and the wildlife and sketch his favorite part of the river. But what happens when one day he spots the pack alpha, Louis, having an intimate moment with something, or someone, unexpected? Suddenly his quiet, nearly invisible existence gets upended, and secrets he never wanted to know quite literally won't leave him alone, and even when he tries to stay away, he keeps being pulled back into Louis' turbulent orbit. A magical love story featuring a generations long grudge, a menacing curse, and secrets that keep pulling them apart. Will they be able to find a way back to one another through the dark?

Why I Like It: Really integrated plot, soul mates/wolf story. ABO, but more wolf than human. Very involved plot. Well done.

3. Be There by mission2feelike

Niall sits down dramatically, arms flopping to his side before he leans forward and looks right into Harry's eyes. "So, your ex-boyfriend, who broke your heart four years ago, is coming to stay at your house for six weeks? And his daughter, your daughter, is coming to stay tonight?"

Harry nods, worried if he speaks, he'll be yelled at again, but then Niall's face softens, his ever-present smile is back and Harry hears him breathe out a small chuckle. "Okay, for the record, I think this is the worst idea you've ever had, but how can we help?" or The one where their family has been torn apart and their hearts broken, but an accident, a snowstorm, cinnamon rolls, and the adorable Josie force Louis and Harry to finally face the truth, and each other.

Why I Like It: Harry and Louis take custody of Lottie's baby, but Louis breaks H's heart by sending him away. pining. kid fic. Harry is famous. Had some very lovely domestic moments, and some tear jerkers. Louis was a bit of a jerk at the beginning. Side of Ziam.

4. Butterfly Gun by Eravain - no link, this is off AO3, but DM me if you want me to share it with you, as I have a PDF.

Harry has never been much of a fighter, but—as always—where Louis Tomlinson is concerned, a lot of things stop being true. 1940's AU. Even after six years apart, they can't forget their shared wartime childhood.

Why I Like It: I loved this gem--childhood friends to lovers. Historical Fiction. Really well written.

5. Counterbalance by YesIsAWord

Harry Styles loves two things: teaching ballet and racing motorcycles. Those two worlds collide when his greatest rival on the track, Louis "Tommo" Tomlinson brings his tiny siblings to Harry's class.

Why I Like It: Pretty short but very effectively written story. Pacing was good. Loved the dichotomy of Harry as a ballerina and as a motorcycle driver. 

6. Danger I Can't Hide by CelticSky

"Don't," Tomlinson's voice was low, gravelled, hiding out in the night where only Styles could hear it. "Stop it. Calm down. You can't do anything." Styles' chest heaved. Tomlinson had him pinned against the wall, his forearm strong against his ribs. The night air crackled around them and all he could hear was the overlap of their breath, desperation, exquisite need and pain and desire and longing and lingering resistance. He couldn't take his eyes from Tomlinson's lips. The way they fell open to expel air against Harry's jaw. His tongue darting out to wet them between desperate words, making them glisten in what little light there was. His eyes were lidded and unseeing as he himself looked down to stare at Styles' mouth. ~~~ Flying Officer Styles and Sergeant Tomlinson would have likely never crossed paths in a time of peace, their ordinary lives laid out neatly, predictably before them. But then the world became unrecognisable. All too soon they grew accustomed to fear, surrounded by death and destruction, not even their very freedom a certainty anymore. Until they found each other. Comfort. Companionship. Understanding. Another person to lose.

Why I Like It: Amazing. Research into WW2 and what it was like to be queer and hiding a relationship. loved the love story, but also the human side of the war. Very well told.

7. Have Love, Will Travel by Kingsofeverything

Rather than spend the summer working at their desks, Louis and Harry are given the opportunity to crisscross the country together in a tiny camper, filming their adventures for a YouTube series. It soon becomes obvious to their viewers that there's something more than friendship between them. Eventually, they figure it out.

Why I Like It: super cute. Road Trip Larry. Lots of state parks, travel. Louis has a crush and of course they end up together.

8. Heading for Limbo by KingsofEverything

Childhood best friends who've fallen in and out of touch with each other since Louis' family moved away when they were thirteen, Harry and Louis find their paths crossing again and again. Each time, no matter how many miles apart or how many years it's been, it's as if no time has passed. They fall back into their easy friendship, until life intervenes and sends them on their separate ways once more. When Harry discovers some life-changing things about himself, Louis is there for him, however he needs. But it's all temporary because Louis has plans that will move his life from New York all the way to L.A. and the distance isn't the only thing between them. The pieces of their twice broken hearts are scattered from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

Why I Like It: I really liked this one. Slow burn, friends to not-friends, to lovers, to exes, to lovers. Word of caution, H has a gf for part of it, but it's a really nice slow awakening of his sexuality. TW for some angst/pining.

9. Glass Closets and Greenhouses by TiredTiredTz

Charlton Athletic defender Louis Tomlinson and worldwide sex symbol Harry Styles are rumoured to be hooking up after a viral video filmed at Harry’s Wembley show was posted online by Tommo’s twin sisters. Sources close to the pair tell us the couple have been dating for a while, with rumours of house hunting, marriage and even kids on the cards! Styles, 29, is as well known for his whirlwind love life as his chart-topping music. Most recently linked to British fashion designer Alex Millet-Sloan, Harry has stayed tight-lipped on rumours of any romantic rendezvous between himself and footballer Tomlinson, 31, yet fans online are convinced that all evidence points to #Tomlinstyles being the real deal.

Why I Like It: Could have been longer. A bit over the top meet cute w/ the twins setting them up, but over all well done. 

10. It's Fine to Fake it 'Til You Make ('Til It's True) by Sunflouwerhabit

Harry dreads an impending visit to his hometown, where he’ll be forced to reunite with a newly engaged ex-boyfriend, a childhood best friend turned near stranger, and a family who never understood just how desperately he needed to leave. In the midst of it all, a ludicrous Twitter proposition brings him to Louis.

Why I Like It: I loved this one. Super cute characters, a little bit of miscommunication, lovely, lovely boys. 

11. Like an Endless Summer by objectlesson - no link, I have this as an epub

Louis is an riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor wh he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two years. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’ formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a popsicle in the sun.

Why I Like It: absolutely lovely. GREAT depiction of the uncertainty of a crush liking you. slow burn, but you see it coming the whole way. 

12. The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea by KingsofEverything

Louis' life is steady and calm, moored by his marriage, and tied to his hometown, but after a chance encounter with another man, it'll never be the same.

Why I Like It: really liked this one. TW for cheating. Middle aged man in a loveless marriage realizes he's gay and falls in love with a co-worker. Could totally be a Hallmark movie.

13. Until the Pearls get Lost by LadyLondonderry

London, 1933. Harry Styles, alpha, elusive bachelor and happy third wheel to his coupled friends, receives a visit from one Liam Payne, begging for his help. Liam’s childhood friend Louis is about to become the talk of the city; left at the altar because the mating bond was rejected, Louis will spend the rest of his life in an institution unless Liam can find someone to take him in and care for him as he recovers. Most omegas with failed bonds are never the same again. With rumours swirling around about the reason for the rejected bond, Harry gives in to Liam’s pleas. He hasn’t the slightest idea how that decision will shape the rest of his life.

Why I Like It: This felt like a fairy tale. Great writing. A bit left to the imagination. Almost werewolf-y. 

14. Write This Down by Sunflouwerhabit

"And Louis responds by kissing him. He closes his eyes and presses their lips together and hopes it’s enough to distract from how those words cut and extracted critical pieces of his heart, his soul. Louis kisses Harry to avoid sobbing, yelling, pleading, begging him to never, ever use words like always or never or I promise, because they can’t. They don’t have an always. Nevers will forever remain a mere dream. Time has run out for commitments or oaths or pledges and if Louis is going to be okay- if he’s going to enjoy this time with Harry and then let him go and still feel whole- he can’t let himself start thinking long term. He can’t let this become emotional; something more than silliness and fun and sex. He can’t hear Harry say he’s proud of him when he doesn’t know if he’ll ever see him again after this week. 'I miss you,' Harry murmurs, his breaths warm and equally shaky. 'All the time.' Louis kisses him harder."

Why I Like It: I really loved this contemporary romance. Lots of angst, boys being stupid thinking they are protecting each other by not communicating. But ultimately a lovely story. New favorite.

[so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed]

2023 writing self evaluation

I was tagged by the lovely @neondiamond, thank you!! I was also almost tagged by @lululawrence who texted me but I was already asleep lol.

1. List of works published this year:

In order of posting, these are the 17 fics I published:

April: saw some things on the other side [61K, Larry, written for @onedirectionbigbang]

May: (now I realize that the world outside) it's bigger than me [3,5K, written for @faithinthefutureficfest]

let's get naked and explore (our inner secrets) [8K, Zouis, written for @wankersday]

June: the missing piece that makes me fit [17K, Zouiam, written for @zouisfics]

we will get another day (to begin again) [1,8K, Ziam]

July: rain makes the flowers grow [1,1K, Larry, ficlet friday]

a life that's lived without you [1,1K, Ziam, ficlet friday]

August: and there's no one to blame [1,8K, Larry, ficlet friday]

You don't have to say "I love you", to say I love you [1,5K, ficlet friday]

I'm falling again [2,2K, Larry, ficlet friday]

like a moth into a flame [5,4K, Zouis, written for @wordplayfics]

September: I'll Run (Run to You) [1,1K, Larry, written for @wordplayfics]

like a bridge over troubled water (I will lay me down) [6,4K, written for @wordplayfics]

(don't you ever) hope for something else [5,4K, Ziam, written for @wordplayfics)

you try to stop it tumbling (but on and on it goes) [2,7K, Lirry, written for @wordplayfics]

October: when love gets involved [666, Larry, written for @1dtrickortreatfest]

find a way (to send me a sign) [666, Larry, written for @1dtrickortreatfest]

December: Santa Baby (one little thing I really need) [3K, Larry, written for @parmahamlarrie for the @1dcreatorclubhouse holiday exchange]

In total, including works that I haven't published yet, I've written 129.843 words in 2023.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I always really struggle with my Big Bang, and this year was no different. There was a lot of math involved, and a lot of schedules to make sure that the time travel all worked and the dates were accurate. I am really proud of how it turned out though, and the art (by the wonderful @monpetithl) is absolutely stunning.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I suppose by default I'm 'least proud' of some fics, since I'm more proud of others, but in general, I'm very proud of everything I published this year.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This is from (now I realize that the world outside) it's bigger than me

His throat feels dry and his face looks flushed, and there’s a moment where he contemplates dunking his head under the tap, but he doesn’t want to keep the fans waiting, even if he knows that his band is excellent at keeping the crowd entertained.

Or at least, they usually are. But right now, heading through the hallway back to the stage, all he can hear is silence.

Louis feels his heartbeat kick up a notch, and even though he knows that it’s ridiculous and highly implausible, there’s a brief moment where he wonders if everyone has just up and left. Maybe they’ve had enough. Maybe they only came here to see if he was willing to confirm the rumours, and now that he hasn’t, they’re leaving.

His palms are sweating, making him wipe them on his jeans, and it’s only when the band starts playing the intro to Bigger Than Me that they had come up with for the tour that Louis has the courage to step back onto the stage.

He has just opened his mouth for the first line – when somebody told me I would change – when it sinks in what he’s looking at.

Where the crowd is usually colourful, little rainbow flags showing up throughout the songs, or being held up en masse during a fan project for Only the Brave, it’s almost muted now, blacks and whites and greys.

And purple.

It is a sea of flags. A sea of ace flags.

Louis is vaguely aware that the band has started the intro for the third time. He can hear the cheers, the chants, can see the banners that are being held up by people on the balcony. We love you Louis, they read. We need you and you’ve got us.

His blood is rushing through his ears and he’s pretty sure he’s about two seconds from crying, and there is no way in hell that he’s going to be able to sing this song right now. It’s not even because it’s one of the harder songs in his set and he can feel his throat closing up. But he feels like he needs to acknowledge this. Because while he might not acknowledge it in the press, might play coy, these are his fans. These are the people that get him. The people that understand and support and love him, and they’re right. He’s got them. No matter what else, he’s got these people in his corner.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

So my favourite review wasn't actually written. It was a friend of mine, at the concert in Paris, locking eyes with me during Bigger Than Me, and the two of us sharing a moment because we knew.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Honestly, a lot of the year. I've written on something every month, but I've had months where I barely made 5K, if that. I've also had periods where my health was just utterly shit, and periods where I was too busy (like in November, which I mostly spent hanging out with the amazing @chaotic-bells)

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Well, it is written but not published, but something happened in my Big Bang for 2024 where I was like "really?? this is what you're going with??" and I guess you'll have to find that moment in my fic when it posts.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I'm honestly not sure I did, though I feel like I wrote a lot more short fics this year, so I suppose in that regard I grew by being able to write shorter things.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I mostly just hope to continue being able to write, continue loving writing, because for a while this year I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue being a writer in this fandom. But I got lovingly told that there was no way I wasn't doing the Big Bang next year, and then I got matched up with an amazing artist (hiii @whatagreatproblemtohave!) so that definitely helped in getting my mojo back.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

I had wonderful guidance in the form of @londonfoginacup who told me a) you are not dropping out of the big bang and b) how about you rewrite the fic in Zayn's perspective, which has helped A LOT. I've also had an absolutely wonderful friend in @beardyboyzx who has read through a lot of my fics, has offered advice, a sounding board, and anything I could ask for. My beta, as always, is the wonderful @foullovehideout who is just the best person I could ask for. I had such a wonderful time seeing them again this year too.

And then there's the people that I've written with! Most notably, @jacaranda-bloom who is my standard writing buddy, though we've not been able to write together as often as last year, she's still helped me stay committed to my writing and I wouldn't have been able to publish as many fics if it weren't for our sprints.

Lastly, there's the beautiful people from the @1dcreatorclubhouse who have been just wonderful and a great source of joy and comfort.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Honestly it always does. Mostly this year in the aro/ace characters, because they are me and I am them.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I don't think it's new, really, but a) write what you want to write and b) don't forget that writing is a muscle, it needs to be trained just like anything else. You can't expect the same ease that you felt while writing daily when you end up not having been able to write for a while. Give yourself grace, and above all, believe in yourself and the stories you want to tell. They'll be loved by so many people!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Definitely my Big Bang for 2024. It's a struggle and really outside of my wheelhouse, but I'm excited to see where it ends up going. I am also super intrigued by the possible 1daroacefest that @red-pandaaa was running a poll for (you can vote here) so depending on when it runs I definitely want to participate. And I'm thinking I might dabble in some F1 fic next year!

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I am going to tag the wonderful @beardyboyzx because I need to read their answers. And I am tagging @voulezloux and @reminiscingintherain too!

[devilsainz]

First, Thank you @watercolor-hearts for tagging me! when i saw it i knew it wouldnt be an easy task (mostly because i love to talk a lot lmao) but i liked the concept and felt that it would be interesting way to dive more into the ships i am fond of.

Pairing/Shippy list!

Here are the rules:

1. List your top seven ships.

2. Put them all in order for your love for them; 7 to 1, 1 being your favourite.

3. Name the fandom.

4. Put a picture of the guys in question.

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7. Ziam (Zayn/Liam Payne) (One Direction)

weird way to start this list, since its not f1 related, and i very much believe it's a dead ship now. But honestly they deserve this honorable mention for being the first ship i adopted, and i didnt even care about One Direction or their music around that time (in fact i cant remember even how i stumbled upon this ship lmao). These two together just had so much chemistry for me, either on stage, interviews, or anything really. also they were my introduction to this whole idea of "ship" (Larry was the absolute more popular one obviously, but it was Ziam that really SUCKED me in like a vacuum cleaner). Unfortunately, Liam's distasteful comments last year bursted my bubble about them (even though he has explained this year he wasn't in a good place, and i personally think they are okay with each other, even though still distant), but i still like to watch their compilation videos on youtube sometimes, it's quite bittersweet :')

6. Martian (Sebastian Vettel/Mark Webber) (Formula 1)

honestly i feel i just dont put these two higher because they feel somewhat new to me, like i need to dive into them more. I just think its such a fun ship in the sense that it has a looot of things going on at the same time, their very public rivalry and the famous multi 21, mark's angry face at that one press conference, it could be so so angsty but they just make me laugh (also, the making love on track quote is now burned into my brain so in no way they could be out of this list).

5. Christian horner/Toto wolff (Formula 1)

okay okay this is the part yall realize im actually crazy. but... they DO have chemistry when they are interacting, even in their non-amicable moments, and i do love myself some good enemies to lovers. Obviously it helps that i think they both are very actrattive, sexy middle aged men that have hunger for victory and i believe they hold so much respect and admiration for each other, considering they are the two most sucessfull TP's at this point. Also, HEIGHT DIFFERENCE.

4. Versainz (Max Verstappen/Carlos Sainz) (Formula 1)

(i wanted to find that ONE gif where he lifts carlos a little so bad but this one will do) Oh, this one really rocketed fast into my favorites. I just think they are just so wholesome. I always feel Max is warmer towards a certain number of drivers, and Carlos is one of them. And i dont even ship them in a ... kind of way, even tho it makes sense in my head the narrative that both were each others "first's" before going into bigger ships. Its just that it feels so special that both debuted together as teammates and, both took different trajectories in the way their career planned out, but theres still a genuine connection between them, at least in my view.

3. Maxiel (Max Verstappen/Daniel Ricciardo) (Formula 1)

I know its weird because i dont really post about them. But this falls into the same category as versainz for me, except that here there's a kind of dynamic that it makes me go "hmm... interesting". I always like to see max smiling and being happy because this boy went thru so much in his childhood, and oh how Daniel knows how to bring this side of Max. If Max can be warmer to certain drivers, for Daniel he has a whole SOFT SPOT, and i think that's very endearing. IMO, Daniel feels like the person that changed him in deeper ways we know, that one person that was indirectly a "life teacher" to him maybe, and thats special to me.

2. Brocedes (Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg) (Formula 1)

Oh, the ANGSTY in this one. yes, this one deserves the ANGSTY in all caps because to me that's them. Oh to have lived through their divorce must have been heartbreaking but what a freaking cinematic ship this one is. I just can't ignore it. How it feels to me that Nico is the one who wears his heart on his sleeve, while Lewis has that chilling Capricorn control over his emotions is so. just so. And the fact that Nico's legacy is forever entangled in Lewis' name. If a movie screenwriter would come up with this, i'd think it would be overdramatic, but no, theyre actually this unhinged.

Charlos (Charles Leclerc/Carlos Sainz) (Formula 1)

how do i even start talking about these two idiots? Okay, so obviously i think they're both very attractive and that definetely helped me to ship them lmao. But thats kind of reductive, because these two have sooo much chemistry in my opinion, even before their ferrari days, there was so much potential waiting to bloom, and it did. I love their banter, their competitiveness, how they can get childlike around each other sometimes. How they are so physical, how they make each other laugh (let me not talk about their gazes to each other or i will not end this today). I love how Carlos doesn't hide he wants to compete with Charles (which brings him unnecessary hate sadly), and how both respect each other in this stance. There's a bit of angsty underneath this soft/fluffy surface too (more from Carlos' perspective imo - but lets not forget Charles and Silverstone 2022 too - this is my charlos angsty origin story), but they still find their way, and that kind of compels me even more into them. I just think theres so many layers, multitudes, in the way we can create, write and read about them. Absolute favorites.

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Tagging @schumiatspa and @sainzjpeg 😊

obviously, feel free to ignore if you dont want to play, no hard feelings around here ❤, and also 7 ships are quite a work! if you're not tagged but want to make your list, feel free to do it and consider yourself tagged by me 😘