#i try not to wish ill will but i genuinely hope no one ever has to suffer through being their 'friend' ever again Tumblr posts

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

today just will not let me rest huh. reasons are in the tags but i get very emotional just be warned

[sicbaby]

sended this to another acc i really like but ill send this here too :p

vendetta!leon with the biggest corruption kink ever and the girl (reader) that lives in the house just next to his, that always make sure to wish him to "have a good day" when she sees him and gets all red when he says it back, that when she bakes something she always make sure to save some to give it to him, and she tries to have a "friendship" with him so bad but he always seems to ignore her

and he does tries to ignore her because he knows he is def not a good man, he knows it so he always try to show to her that he is not a person, but shes just too stupid to realize that to the point that it makes him a little annoyed and worried for her, it still makes him hard lol

i love vendetta leon cause let’s be real he’s the biggest piece of shit alive and he’s an alcoholic so added bonus! i fantasize about him treating me like shit… anyways.

i imagine reader being a bit of a bimbo of some sort. like so dumb in the brain that there’s absolutely no room for sad or depressing or actual real thoughts that would ruin her day. and leon’s the exact opposite. all he thinks about is sad, fucked up shit that would probably make you vomit on the spot. but he likes that about you, your innocence. it makes him a bit sick, realizing he wants to do nothing but take advantage of you and expose you to the dark thoughts he has.

he can’t deny you’re sexy. those short skirts and low cut tops that have your breasts practically spilling out when you wave good morning to him. the crush you have on him is so painfully obvious. leon isn’t used to that. are you his type? not exactly. but he thinks he could have some fun with you.

he doesn’t start getting annoyed until you start leaving shit on his porch. cute notes, food items, weird love letters that look like a middle schooler made them with cute stickers and heart doodles all over. he’s a grown ass adult for christ sake. he rips up the letters, leaves the remnants on the porch for you to see.

you do see it, makes your heart wrench. yet you keep trying. you really, really like him.

in one last attempt at trying to get his full attention, you take over some food to his house, not just leaving it on the porch this time.

leon answers the door with a scowl on his face. he sees the food and your hopeful smile. “come in.” he grumbles, no greeting necessary. it ticks him a bit that you genuinely think you could win him over this way. your heart flutters as you walk in, taking in his messy house, setting the food down on the counter.

“you know, sweetheart. i’m not an easy man to please. yet, here you are…” he trails off.

you’re so nervous, face burning and throat so dry you feel like throwing up. “i-i just.. wanted to be a good neighbor, you know?”

“bullshit.” he responds quickly, makes you flinch slightly. he couldn’t help himself.

“a good neighbor,” he repeats, a dark chuckle following it. “is that really what you think? you think leaving me food and love letters makes you some kind of saint? don’t kid yourself, sweetheart. this isn’t about being a good neighbor. it’s about you wanting something from me. something you can’t seem to get through that empty, pretty little head of yours.”

he enjoys watching your facial expressions. your smile faltering, face turning into uncertainty. he knows he has the power to turn you into anything he wanted. it was too easy. he called you pretty, though!

“you think i’m some prize, some object to be won, don’t you?” he continues. you’re stunned, mouth open slightly, wanting to interject but nothing comes out.

“relax,” he chuckles. “i’ll let you have me. but i want something from you, first.” he says, inching closer to you, trapping you against the counter. his words were not a promise, merely a trick to get you to give yourself up to him. but he probably didn’t even have to “trick you.” one word and you’d be on his knees for him, wouldn’t you?

you nod eagerly, just as predicted. god, it makes him laugh, it makes him hard. how’d he get so lucky? you didn’t even put up a fight. “anything. i’ll do anything.”

those words triggered something in his brain. and you had absolutely no idea what he was going to do to you. he grabs you by the wrist roughly, leading you to his dark bedroom, throwing you on the bed. he starts degrading you, calling you “slut” and commands you to address him as “sir,” or maybe even “master.” (he’s a sick fuck let’s be real, wants you to be his dumb little pet.)

he could see the flicker of uncertainty in your eyes, but you both know you had already given yourself up to him. but that didn’t really matter to him anyway.

he crawls over you, pinning your arms up above your head, kissing at your neck. you could smell the alcohol on his breath as he did so. it made your stomach churn but made your panties wet.

he continues to practically rip your clothes off, muttering things along the lines of “you’re mine now,” “such a pretty little slut,” etc,. every single movement he makes is rough. including spanking, choking, unleashing all his pent up anger, his darkest desires onto you. your pleasure comes second to his.

you’re completely at his mercy, almost like a toy to him. but you like him so much, so you let him :(. you just wanna be his dumb girl.

he ends up fucking you in every single position until you’re a drooling, senseless mess.

not only were you his dumb girl, but you were his slut, his toy, his possession. and in the end, that’s all that mattered to you. at least now, you were finally his.

[pwippy]

hi. hello. did you think my frame by frame analysis of round 6 would ever stop? it isnt it never will i keep noticing things and it might be unhealthy

somehow i tuned out tills expressions during the kiss scene ! guess we're going for those (this is an unnecessarily long undetailed yapping session so. mega warning)

shock to realization when hes being pulled in

more realization and confusion! actually a lot of these scenes include his pupils getting smaller. having a lot of revelations. emotions etc

fun game: tell the difference. thats right its the eyebrows! and eyebags. concern has set in and the fight or flight response which is technically good because it means he wants to live

his expression doesnt shift for a few frames but the main thing is (as previously mentioned) that he has a will to live again. he has light in his eyes. yeah hes confused and for the next few frames its the same expression but from different angles. a little ragdolly but also ivan has much more physical strength

right before he pushes away from ivan his focus actually shifts to him. when ivan first came over its more like till was staring into the unknown but now hes lucid and focusing on whats happening

also! a little fear? not sure its only like 3 frames

force

i dont think thats a tear since they have a specific texture. desperately hoping for his pov of round 6 at some point 🙏 wont say too much abt this but its really interesting! and really sad to see because of his blatant distress

that one line . argh. thats anger! the furrowed brows !

anger goes away in 2 frames. owh these frames. are so painful. ivan pulls back and just. looks at till. theyre looking at each other. to some extent THERE IS UNDERSTANDING. but its fleeting. (alsocan we talk about ivan trailing his finger over tills lips ohmygod. topography map which ivan has memorized literally on his hand. ow. divets.)

sighs sadly. this is when actual concern sets in for till and i. oh. only comment ill make is that compared to the kissing scene he is significantly more stressed based on the wrinkles and the situation in general. the kiss was more like that blurry line of consciousness when you wake up.

hes looking at ivan 🤗 (losing my mind)

i dont think you understand my hatred of this ! hes straight back into "oh im destined to die" mode! his face was relaxing !!!!

sobs in ivan tried to keep his hands stable so till wouldnt get jostled WHILE IVANS LITERALLY DYING

doubts maybe?? i dont think ivan was trying to strangle him like even if you give in to what you think is "fate" physically your body will retaliate against death or stress. hes not hacking or coughing or anything he is genuinely staring into the void. probably feeling guilty so

i wouldnt say hes confused here. at least not yet. its more of an "oh." expression. an emotional thud

he whipped his head down to look at ivan really quick!! anyways i imagine hes surprised he didnt die on stage. surprised he was let go (when usually hes doing the letting go ahahaha). he doesnt take his eyes off ivan the whole time ivans falling :')

also confusion. all confusion

i sure wish i could see his eyebrows to properly analyze him but I GUESS NOT. for at least half of the round till was mourning his own death (and mizis presumed death ig). he knew it would be quick. he didnt know ivan would step in and kiss him which just brings up a ton of "why nows" and "why mes" but also that he might be strangled. slowly. to death. then that doesnt go through either and now hes left to mourn his childhood companion

anyways thought this was interesting to pull out since till has a lot of subtle differences in his expressions but they mean EVERYTHING. its also an odd contrast to ivan who (at least until the end) stays nonchalant. he eyes barely shift and when he gets shot his flinching is there for literal milliseconds. both went into round 6 believing they would die and they both technically forfeited (with till not singing anymore). till *technically* went first. aha guess what ivans going to pull an aggressive move. that you couldnt have expected because honestly a) who could have expected that and b) till didnt go out of his way to pay attention to ivan. he took the interactions and moved on. he had a lower understanding compared to ivan who constantly analyzed till

[vixensbrainrotts]

Tokyo revengers headcanons

Content: Tr headcanons

Content warnings: None I hope, please let me know if there are any!

Vixen's two cents: I’ve been wanting to dump all my headcanons somewhere for a while now so here! I don’t think that these are all, but I’m gonna make a second post about any further headcanons I have. Also, i apologize for not including everyone here, ill make sure to include them next time. I hope you enjoy, and if you do, please tell me about it! Don’t be afraid to send me requests either, I’d love to write most anything (I’m uncreative sometimes)! Oh also, what are some of your headcanons? Do you agree with any of mine? I’ll link the part two once i figure out how to do that lol

(VOLUME II)

Kokonoi who is genuinely so bothered by bugs you won’t believe it. He has to leave the room as soon as he sees the „threat“, and fast.

Izana who curses loudly on Filipino whenever he accidentally hurts himself. You can hear him shout from across the whole house when he bumps himself on a corner.

Chifiyu who has a passion for graffiti. He loves tagging and wild styling and spraying elaborate throwup-styles on walls on Toman turf.

Inui who is colorblind, which is really unfortunate because he has an interest in fashion and styles. He relies on Koko for the greater part, but has recently discovered apps that identify color, which has vastly improved his personal style and allowed him to take on more challenging shades.

The Katawa twins who have an honestly really impressive Pokémon card collection and often play against each other to pass time. The amount they have spent on it is sorta concerning and more often than not stop by the little magazine store to buy another pack to "improve their decks" before gang meetings.

Hakkai who has a distinct dislike for the color orange but keeps finding himself surrounded it. He hates it but the walls in his room are orange. He could puke because his favorite faux-fur-coat is a darker orange. There’s no reasoner doesn’t like the color but something about it makes his skin crawl.

Hanma who is German/Russian and makes sure everyone knows it. He is proud of his heritage and will often use German and Russian idioms when conversating. It’s all fun and games till he starts swearing in his mother tongues during fights, bashing in his opponent’s skulls whilst cursing in a foreign, very aggressive manner.

Nahoya and Souya who work like devils in the kitchen. It’s a perfect tandem in between them, they somehow always know what the other wants and needs. If Nahoya needs a hand in opening the oven, Souya’s doing a 360 no look opening. If Souya’s hands are messy from kneading the dough, Nahoya automatically turns on the tap for hand washing. Twin telepathy is real and they’re the number one proof.

Mucho who can’t do shit in terms of math. You need him busy? Ask him for 7x9 and he’ll be unresponsive for the next 3-5 minutes. It’s really frustrating to him because he genuinely puts in so much effort to understand the formulas, but the numbers simply don’t click in his brain.

Smiley who got the smiley piercing the moment he found out about it. It’s really impressively healed and works so well on his face. Some even say that his smile has gotten wider ever since he got it. He also has a poorly healed nose stud on the left side that he only keeps in for sentimental value. He got it in the seventh grade during school and he got his ass whooped when he came back home with it.

Kisaki who unintentionally practices calligraphy because he writes exclusively in cursive. All of his notebooks look fake because all the letters look identical and everything is evenly spaced. The highlighter girlies in his classes wish death upon him on a daily.

Rindou who’s cracked at Chemistry for no reason. He doesn’t even have to try, it’s like the formulas unfold in front of him and the laws and rules just make sense. He can’t even explain it but ask him anything, and I mean anything he can give you the right answer. Just don’t ask him to be your lab partner. He has a nasty history of breaking test tubes.

Kakucho who knows how to dress. Like really know how to dress. Anywhere, anytime he’s looking like a Pinterest board. He doesn’t really try or occupy himself with things fashion, but he just looks so good and coordinated all the time. He thought it was natural to know what looks good or not, so he’s sometimes a bit perplexed by the things that his peers wear. He tries to be nice when he tells them it doesn’t work, but comes across a little brash because it frustrates him.

Kazutora who has unnaturally sharp canines. Like, it’s kinda scary sometimes because they poke out of his mouth even when it’s closed. He’ll commonly run his tongue over them when he’s bored, poking and prodding at them to check if they’re still sharp. It’s one of the features of his face he really does like.

Mitsuya who gossips like a Girl. He lives for drama and tea (silently) and due to his club being occupied by mostly girls, he’s surrounded by it constantly. The girls talk and talk and talk and he eats it up. The scary part is that he remembers nearly every part of it, so he knows so much. He’ll never share it with anyone but likes to know what’s happening. Sometimes he even correctly predicts scandals due to background knowledge.

Leading from the last one, Mitsuya who has a deep voice. One that rumbles softly when he speaks and sounds like the ocean when he laughs. It’s a killer during after-noon classes when he has to present or read something cause it has such a calming effect. He’s put multiple of his classmates asleep accidentally.

Draken who know just the tiniest bit about sowing from helping out in Mistuya’s workshop. He knows how to close a seam, he knows how to sew a button and he knows how to patch a hole and that’s it. He’s lowkey proud of it though.

[lovedrruunk]

'Mango Letters ♡⸝⸝💌⊹˖➴

Venture (Overwatch) x GN Reader

[Established Relationship!]

Authors note!!!; DID U MISS MEEE??? also...IM SO SORRYYY!!!! BUT I THINK IM JUST GONNA START WRITING WHAT I WANT :((( i realized im sososo bad with requests like genuinely ughhhh!! Ill def do some every now and then tho! Anyways im just clearing out my drafts cuz I’ve come to the realization that this is literally tumblr and my posts don’t have to be perfect lmao, enjoy!!

75 days 18 hours 46 minutes and 3 seconds. That's how long it had been since you've seen your partner Sloan. Being with them you knew how devoted they were to their work and how much it required them to travel but on pretty days like this one when the weathers just right and the flowers are in full bloom and the sunset is the perfect hue of orange, you couldn't help but wish they were by your side.

And although they were thousands of miles away they always made sure to send you physical manifestations of their love.

Through love letters of course!!!

It had been a tradition ever since they had started going on longer expeditions for them to send you things in the mail. So there in your shared closet in a cute little shoebox on the top shelf, laid all their feelings on coffee stained papers. Little crystals the same color as your eyes, maps with all the places they wanted to take you, polaroids of them doing silly faces, and your favorite part, the sweet scent of mango that came with it all.

And so although they weren't by your side, their feelings were. Their longing, their excitement, their thoughts, all in the palm of your hands covered in all types stickers and doodles.

Sitting outside on the porch of your shared home enjoying the calm breeze you smile holding the most recent letter delivered. Inhaling deeply catching the hints of mango as you carefully open it.

Dear Beloved,

It's been so looong!!! I can feel myself aging without you! Hope this letter finds you well! Notice how I used "beloved"? Fancy huh? Arn't I just the most romantic partner ever? (don't answer that.) This is my fifth time trying to write this and it's annoying the crew so this is my last chance before they jump me... It's just so hard y'know!? It has to be perfect. Perfect for you. Is that cringe? That was cringe sorry! I miss you lots and I think about you all the time... You'd love Petra! A camel ate my shemagh... but It's whatever. I'll buy a new one tomorrow, I'll get one for you too so don't worry! Now that I'm thinking about it the days seem to be going by pretty slow and I'm not sure if I like it much. Like I said I miss you a lot and it stinks being away from you for this long. Can't you just book a flight over here? Can't you do that for me pretty pleaseee? That's ridiculous? Okay just say you hate me and never want me to come back, just say you don't love me at all and want me to get stuck in a cave foreva. Just kidding! or am I?... (I am! >ᴗ<)

I like to imagine you’re missing me really bad counting down the seconds till I get back, which by the way I am too so don’t feel the need to deny it! I can see it now… You all shriveled up like a raisin crawling on the floor going “sloannn… sloannnn…” because of how bad you miss me hehe. Just kidding again! It’s probably the opposite let’s be real… I’m going insane without you seriously, I started talking to the hieroglyphics yesterday and the crew even caught me tasting some rocks earlier (sos!!!!)

But speaking of, they’re rushing me to “turn the lights off already” what a bunch of buzzkills ammarite? Promise to show up in my dreams okay? Who am I kidding, you’re always there regardless. Sweet dreams ᥫ᭡ᥫ᭡

p.s they really wanna meet you!

p.p.s take care okay? I’ll be home before you know it!!!

Yours truly,

(so romantic!!!)

“(๑´>᎑<)~*”

[deakys-cool-cat]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHN DEACON

not a lot of pictures because my stupid fucking thing wouldn’t work

JOHN DEACON. THE BEST MAN WHO IS CURRENTLY LIVING ON EARTH RIGHT NOW (besides my father) AND WHO IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE TO EVER WALK THIS EARTH. I LOVE THIS MAN WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND HES BEEN SUCH A BIG PART OF MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 3-4 YEARS, EVEN THOUGH I HAVENT MET HIM. IF THERE WAS ONE THING I COULD DO WITH MY LIFE, I WOULD SPEND IT TRYING TO MAKE SURE JOHN IS HAPPY, EVEN THOUGH ILL NEVER KNOW. WHY? BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT! EVERY QUEEN SONG HE WEOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU CAN TELL THAT THEY COME FROM HIS HEART AND SOUL. HE WAS A PHENOMENAL MUSICIAN AND JUST HAD KINDNESS IN HIS EYES AND SMILE. HE WENT THROUGH SEVERAL HARD TIMES IN HIS LIFE, BUT NOW THAT HES SETTLED DOWN AND LIVING THE LIFE THAT I THINK HE TRULY WANTS, I HOPE HE IS HAPPY. BEING A FAMILY MAN IS TRULY AT THE CORE OF HIS BODY, I BELIEVE, AND I TRULY, GENUINELY WISH THE BEST FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY, BECAUSE HE MEANS SO MUCH FOR ME. SORRY FOR THE CAPS, BUT I JUST CANT STATE MY LOVE FOR THIS MAN ENOUGH. GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT, I HOPE HE HAS THE BEST DAY EVER.

WE ALL LOVE YOU JOHN!!! HAPPY 73RD!!!

[chaifootsteps]

Wanted to introduce you to a minor stolitz rewrite or I guess, interpretation? I came up with that has a blitzfizz angle if you squint, because I think you might like it.

Some time ago there was a deep and vulnerable moment which is rare from Brandon Rogers, when he was being interviewed by Anthony Padilla, he talked about being assaulted by a beating, and then getting up on stage for standup minutes after. But the audience never noticed. He said when performing for audiences it brings him a sense of fulfilment to know that during the few minutes or hours of that show he gets to forget about his pain, and the audience gets to have fun and enjoy the show and forget about theirs. Those moments of escapism were precious, and I wrote that for Blitzø, this was the extent of his affection for stolas. He’s basically an audience member, a loyal fan. This is why when stolas wants real devoted personal love, it ruins it for Blitzø because it feels like a fan who got a backstage pass once, and maybe even an autograph or handshake, but for some reason thinks this makes them real friends/lovers. And he keeps coming backstage without a pass, and doesn’t understand why security stops him, he even shows up to his house after the show ends. With no idea what he’s done wrong when cops turn up (this type of thing happens all the time to lonely people with mental illness, and is the type of moral complexity I think would suit stolas, someone who is dangerous but still sympathetic) And blitzo feels so much guilt and pity at this lonely, socially inept person, and not to mention feels the flattery of having a fan for once, he finds it hard to get really mean about it. But when stolas gets angry he feels genuine fear and does whatever he can to appease him. Which terrifyingly, is interpreted as reciprocation.

For “One Night Only” like his circus poster in his office suggests, they both got to escape and pretend-to be this powerful, seductive sexual being bringing amazement to a Prince who in turn, gets to pretend his true love has arrived to save him. But just like the circus episode, stolas got too obsessive with a parasocial attachment. He wanted to take Blitzø home, to keep him in his bedroom, to take out and play with whenever he needed. Forever. For Blitzø it was like encore after encore, a show that doesn’t end. And he just wants to go home to his partner, the other kid waiting for him at the circus to play horsies again, and the only other imp in the world who truly understands how it feels to be used as a toy (hell, he was turned into one!!)

And I think like the sex toys running out (if I can try to turn even that into a metaphor) he has exhausted all of his tricks and doesn’t have any more material for stolas. But the show must go on, he thinks, that is until stolas finally sees the cracks in him, and against his own wishes for this to be his soulmate, his attraction to Blitzø starts to die. Because it was artificial from the start. And he doesn’t like the real person as much as he thought. They’re just deeply incompatible. Which breaks both of their hearts, for very different reasons.

When stolas asks him why he ever gave him a night at all or showed kindness to him, someone who now has nobody, Blitzø says nothing and just calmly looks at the photo of stolas smiling holding Octavia, then looks back to stolas. As if silently telling him he knows he’s not a complete monster, that it’s not all over, he is capable of finding real connections with others, he has his daughter. His real ‘hero’ and light in the dark. And knowing how much this relationship has hurt and traumatised Octavia, its the nail in the coffin. There is hope for stolas, but not for this relationship.

In the end he gives him back the book, thanks him for their time together, and for loving him, even when stolas is protesting (kinda like Diane to Bojack) his final action to him is a bow, his last words to stolas before leaving his life forever are “You will be okay”

Goddamn, Anon...you owe me a box of kleenex for this one.

Thank you for this. It's gorgeous and perfect and I wish with all my heart that it were canon.

[k-dokja]

I'm having an heart ache, i badly need some Eli or Taehun crumbs if it's not too much 😔😔

Sorry this came so late, I had the mentally ill.

Eli has been pacing.

Back and forth. In and out. If he pokes his head out of his room and then narrows his eyes at Warren once more, Warren is going to lose his mind. "Dude, it's only a date. Stop freaking out."

"It's not only a date, it's our first date," Eli runs his hand through his hair after he steps out of the room again. There is a substance on Eli's hands that Warren suspects to be hair gel because it sticks his hair up in weird places. How he gets this far as a hair stylist remains the mystery for the ages.

"How do I look?"

Warren's face scrunches, "Like you fought a dry blower and lost," he says, "Dude, just dress normally, it's not like she agreed to go out with you because you're good-looking."

Eli inhales sharply then releases the most dramatic sigh Warren ever heard from him. "You don't get it at all," With that uttered, Eli stalks back into his room and Warren nearly blows up.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

No one can deny Eli has the looks going for him.

If anyone does, they're either delusional or jealous. Warren knows as much. Still, there are times when he looks better than others. Nowadays, it's whenever Eli thinks about you or is around you in general. Yes, there are moments like this when Eli switches out of multiple outfits trying to figure out something that would look good in front of you.

But between all of the fretting and the anxiety, there is a smile. One that is genuine and soft and feeds everyone the false hope that everything will get better. It makes Warren want to believe sometimes.

As Eli steps out of the hostel, Warren perches on the window above to watch him leave. After withstanding his earlier fuss, it's only fair that Warren gets to see him off. It's nice to see his friend pursuing happiness again, even if it's tentative and uncertain.

"You think it will last?"

He doesn't know when Sally comes up behind him, but he doesn't turn to look. Not until Eli is out of sight, at least. "I hope so," he says, "for his sake, I really hope so."

If there's anyone among them deserving a resemblance of peace the most, it'd be Eli. Warren can only wish that it's attainable in this lifetime.

[kanekoii]

I’ve been thinking about this 4ever… I have a medical condition called POTS (postural tachycardia syndrome) it’s a lot like having low iron and causes me to pass out a lot… How about Luxiem + Ren (seperately) reacting to reader passing out due to this condition??

lyra’s notes -> i know it’s not appropriate to tell someone with a chronic medical condition to get better soon cuz i have multiple chronic conditions too so what i’ll say is: i hope it isn’t as bad for a little while, you deserve to be free from it for a bit yk <3 i know how draining and stressful these conditions can be and i see you. ur a precious bebe (sorry that was a lot)

pairings -> luxiem + ren zotto x gn! reader

genre -> scenario

song -> everlasting shine - tomorrow x together

warnings -> some medical stuff, worried boyfriends, written late at night

VOX AKUMA ->

he will be SO concerned the first time it happens. the demon has seen a lot, but he was NOT prepared for this in any way shape or form. but the longer he dates you, the more used to it he’ll get. he knows that it’s not exactly something you have much, if any control over. if you pass out, he’ll handle everything you may have needed to take care of long before you awake. it’s his job to take care of you and keep you as healthy as you can possibly be.

LUCA KANESHIRO ->

poor boy freaks out just like vox, but this one is a lot more panicked. i know it might sound a little dumb or like overkill, but he’s genuinely worried about you and your health! when you eventually wake up, you’ll see the poor boy hovering nervously over you. his eyes light up with relief as he kisses you ever so gently. when you get lightheaded, he’ll gently lay you down on the nearest surface with the most kind and gentle smile.

IKE EVELAND ->

he’ll be concerned the first time you pass out in front of him, but much more quiet and calm than the others. he understands that loudly freaking out or panicking openly would likely just make the situation more stressful when you wake up, so he stays calm and gently asks what happened so he can better understand your condition and how he can best help you.

SHU YAMINO ->

he’s here to support you in every way he possibly can. he would try to use his power as a sorcerer to heal you, but the things he uses typically revolve around curses, so his healing abilities aren’t the best, even if he could heal chronic illnesses like this. he wished he could, but it’s the best he can do to help you take care of yourself when you’re feeling lightheaded.

MYSTA RIAS ->

another loud freak out. he will end up calling shu or zali or, hell, even millie for help. he doesn’t know what to do and he just wants you to be alright. that was the first time you passed out in front of him, after that he became more calm about it and now asks every day what he can do for you that day to make things even just a little easier on you.

REN ZOTTO ->

he balances out the calm squad vs the panic squad as the third member of calm squad. he’s really, REALLY worried but he’ll wait until you wake up to ask you about it. and it’s not like he’ll bombard you with questions, that wouldn’t be nice. he just wants to know how he can best support you and what to do in these situations.

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

Isn't it SO fun to be harassed and bullied at school? /sarc

People call me a "FUCKING WEIRDO!" (Yes, that's word for word.)

They make faces at me like I'm sort of disgusting slob. (And they SHOW it and they WANT me to know they think that!)

Along with that, one kid pretended to gag and throw up at the sight of me, and used solar eclipse glasses to not look at me.

One kid called me ugly today! (YAY! /sarc)

They poke and prod at me like I'm a science experiment.

They fear the fact I smile all the time, that I tend to keep an emotionless expression in my eyes. (I'm only following Alastor's advice!)

They love to annoy me... But it's getting tiring.

Only a select few enjoy my presence, they keep me in and go along with my antics. My friend group likes having me around. And other kids I don't know much and we're neutral with each other.

I know I'm "weird" by their standards. But what's the fun in the world without differences?

I know I took on the persona of "weirdo" in my class. I want to go up to a teacher and cry. Because I didn't deserve to be treated like this?

I didn't deserve to be told "You know you should kill yourself" when I'm already suicidal. Did I?

Get told I'm retarded like 10 times already? Maybe more? (I'm not even exaggerating...)

And considering I might have mental illnesses such as possible autism, that's even meaner. At this point I'm not living, I'm surviving.

There's a reason why I've given up. My best friends are on the internet. I don't think without them I would be able to live today. Why do the people who care about me, share my interests, accept me for who I am, respect me, and TREAT me like I'm a human being, so far away?

I know I may be Xenogender, but that's no excuse for treating me no better than some sort of inferior species.

I see no one else getting treated like this, I'm the subject, no, the OBJECT of their bullying.

What the fuck am I supposed to do??? What do you fucking EXPECT me to do??? "Be yourself"??? I AM being myself, and you're fucking BULLYING me!? AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT ON SOME SORT OF MASK? I AM SMILING, MOTHERFUCKER, YET YOU STILL BULLY ME WHEN I DO HAVE A MASK!? /not you, to them

Like, please. Let me rest. Let me have a normal day where I don't have to face discrimination. Where I get treated with love.

I get treated so awfully so much, that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I lost myself.

My catchphrase has to be "I'm so done-" because I said that more than I needed to.

I feel like the next time someone does anything to me, I'm just going to burst out crying.

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

I hope you're doing alright right now, first things first, i need to let you know that you do matter, and you certainly don't deserve to be treated as subhuman as they treat you, I only wish the worst upon them <3 They are bitches who are a waste of oxegyn, they need to put you down to feel something or feel like they matter, and for that they are the weakest most disgusting subhuman people, genuinely hope they get more fucked up than they ever made you feel 🧡

It's pretty obvious that they're trying to make you feel shit, and i wish i was there to fight them off or comfort you when it happened, i said it before and i'll say it again, you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy, and to feel like you are loved and cared for, the way they treat you is uncalled for and it's disgusting [them, not you, your cool] And agreed, your gender or your neurodivergence shouldn't be the reason you get bullied, they aren't things you can control, or things you have to change, they are litterally a part of your being/existence, I can't believe all of the shitty things they're doing, you don't deserve it. Have you tried to tell anyone? [although that doesn't work often, it's worth a try]. It seems like it's really affecting you, whether you admit it or not /nbr /npa I'd reccomend telling a teacher/principle [the meaner the teacher the better], if that doesn't work fight back, physically i wouldnt reccomend but if you have to, do it. Theres not much we can do about bullying, which is fucking shitty, but please hang in there at least and take care of yourself, i care about you and love you /p

I hope it gets better and they stop, they're pieces of shit who shouldn't be making you feel like this, they're insensitive cunts who should have their face cut up, hope they get bullied those fucking assholes

[pomplalamoose]

headcanons: Luke Skywalker and a mentally ill reader🫂🩵

A/N: I received several requests for Luke with a reader that struggles with their psychological health and decided to do one big post instead of three small ones.

Since I'm heavily affected myself I have a hard time talking about it, meaning this will be shorter than what I usually do; thank you for understanding <3

Nevertheless it's an important topic that shouldn't be ignored so here we goooo

Luke comforting you when you're afraid of being a bad Jedi due to your mental illness

• like I often mention, Luke always has an open ear for you

• I think he's especially understanding when you tell him you struggle with your personal image as a Jedi

• because in a similar way Luke often worries about this as well

• is he doing the right thing? Did he make the right choices? He doesn't know

• more often than not he wishes for Obi-Wan or Yoda to be with him still, to guide him

• his insecurities might stem from a different place than yours but in many ways you are able to draw parallels

• just like you he's afraid of not being good enough

• I think he'd let himself be really vulnerable in sharing this with you, hoping that it makes you feel less alone

• he doesn't want you to think you are in any way failing him or yourself

• most importantly though he wants to prevent you from thinking he's without faults

• he wants to give you an opening to relax, to show you that it's going to be okay as long as you're genuinely trying your best

• he does his best and is he not doing a good job?

• he wants to relieve you of the burden of perfectionism

• both of you are human and that is very much okay

• additionally the both of you don't have much information about what a Jedi should or should not be and while that certainly makes things harder, it can also mean a new beginning

• Luke spends a lot of time thinking about the principles and teachings he wants to pass along to a new generation of Jedi

• and I think a big part of that would be to embrace one's nature and being as they are

• some things can't be changed, it's the will of the Force

• in this regard he is big on following his senses and his heart and how could you ever be a bad Jedi if he sees so much goodness in you?

• while it may be hard to see for yourself, Luke will do his best to show you that your personal struggles don't equal being a failure

• mental illness isn't a flaw that makes you less capable or less intelligent

• you are not your mental illness

• it doesn't define you as a person even though it often times feels like it

• he will list many wonderful character traits of yours, trying to convey how others may see you

• he retells situations where you were able to overcome or even use your struggles in order to help another person

• you are allowed to be yourself and he's glad to have you by his side

• he values your opinions and insights

• in many ways you are able to view certain aspects from a totally different point

• with your unique experiences you are able to offer comfort to those in similar situations better than Luke ever could

Not wanting to burden Luke with your trauma

• Luke is familiar with the notion of keeping ones struggles to oneself

• especially when it's done out of consideration for others

• I don't think you'd manage to hide your mental state from him though, not post ROTJ and not when you're force sensitive as well

• he might have been rather blind to his surroundings earlier on, but has long grown past it

• of course he respects if and when you want to open up at all and will put no pressure on you to tell him anything whatsoever

• however I think he prefers his family and friends to be outspoken about how they're feeling

• not only does he want to help but is also aware that it's only going to get worse over time otherwise

• he knows what can happen when one gets lost in an endless maze of the same recurring thoughts

• to be able to realease something into the Force, to let it go, one has to confront it

• how this is done varies for each person though

• you know best where your trauma stems from and only you know what you are able to take on in order to leave it behind

• as much as Luke would love to be able to simply tell you what to do, he can't

• it's a journey everyone has to go on for themselves

• he'll want to be your company though

• Luke is happy to let you take your time

• if the possibility to retreat is important to you, it's what you get

• he wants your healing to come from a place of security and with the knowledge that he's there to catch you when you're not able to do so on your own

• still he remains firm in his believes and will tell you so

• nobody said it was easy, he knows for a fact it isn't and he is ready to be by your side when you are

• depending on your relationship he might give you gentle nudge in the right direction or, alternatively, a kick in the butt if that's what you need

• he won't stand by and watch you destroy yourself

Dilf!Luke realizing you're not doing well mentally

• since he always has his eyes on you, he can tell when something is just a little bit different

• depending on how well you're able to hide your mental condition though, it possibly takes him a while

• unlike is child he can't be around you all the time and during your car rides home the both of you don't talk

• maybe he realizes how tense you grow when a member of your family contacts you

• maybe he overhears parts of a conversation either when you have to take their calls or when you talk with your friend

• I think he'd ask his child if everything's okay with you

• he doesn't want to seem overbearing or like he's invading your privacy

• since they are your best friend they wouldn't tell him any details but maybe mention you're struggling

• again it depends on you as a person

• are you open about your mental health or not?

• if not they will lie for you

• otherwise they know what they can share without revealing too much

• after all it's your decision what you want others to know

• either way he's worried

• he will offer his help right away

• if you need someone to talk to, he's there

• he's not a professional of course but he'll listen! A second perspective can change a lot!

• the house is easily big enough for one more person, he doesn't mind you staying for the night or a few more

• you can always come over when you need space or a place to rest

• he'll look after you

• have you thought about moving out?

• are you making enough money to be independent?

• are you seeing a therapist?

• "Dad please calm down, I can't tell them you said any of this!"

• your friend will give you a watered down version of what happened because they're kinda afraid that you'll be creeped out by Luke's behavior

• you aren't

• in fact there's nothing you want more than for Mr. Skywalker to take care of you

• he may ask you about it himself once you are better acquainted

• if you're comfortable enough to drop a comment or two he definitely catches on to them

• you are welcome to celebrate the holidays with him and his child, you know?

• he's sure they would be more than okay with it too

• it's your choice of course but he'd be happy to have you

[annabellelupin]

so a lot of people headcanon lily as this very confident, plus sized women, but hear me out

(tw: fatphobia, tw: eating disorder)

lily always tries to seem very confident and accepting of her weight, in hope that other plus sized girls would feel more comfortable in their own skin

however, it's really hard for her to genuinely be excepting of her weight sometimes

sometimes the fatphobic comments start to get her, and she really does start to wonder if it's a genuine problem

even in the Wizarding world she doesn't escape the hateful comments most people that don't fit societal beauty standards are subjected to

while of course her closest friends (Mary, Dorcas, and Marlene) thought she was perfect as is, most men didn't exaclty think the same

she always reassured them she didn't mind, but deep down, it hurt her a lot

was she only going to be seen as beautiful if she was skinny? she often wondered about this, and believed she may never find a man that actually saw every inch of her as beautiful without changing her weight

ofc, being herself, she didn't tell anyone of these thoughts. she still wanted to set an example for others, even if sometimes she struggled with harmful thoughts herself. it'd be worth it if even one other plus sized girl looked at her and thought even people like them, often laughed at and made fun of, could be beautiful and confident despite beauty standards regarding weight (so lily thought)

one school year, the staring, comments, and rudeness finally fully got to her.

she started eating less and less, causing her to become physically sick and lightheaded most of times.

Marlene and Mary were quick to notice, but nothing they said got through to her. not even their constant pestering for her to eat more often to stay healthy

lily, who once tried to set good examples for others, was trying to change herself just to please others

she didn't listen to absolutely anyone that cared for her... well anyone that she was extremely close with at the time anyways.

James was pretty quick to notice her change in appetite- and in attitude

at first he didn't think much of it, everyone has a few off days right?

two weeks later he began getting really concerned. she had skipped class quite a bit that week because she felt ill, and he had a feeling he knew why.

he decided to accompany her alone in the common room one day she didn't feel well enough to go to class, in hope to finally get to the bottom of all of this

"what's wrong, lils? you haven't been your usual self recently"

"...oh, it's nothing"

"lily, it's certainly not nothing... I've noticed you've been skipping meals a lot recently, and you haven't felt yourself in weeks. What's going on?"

lily teared up. she wanted to keep all of it to herself, but she just couldn't any longer, it had become too much

"I-" Lily began crying even more, and James hugged her

"It's okay, take your time"

"...It's just... I want to feel good about my weight... i know im fat and I shouldn't care about what others think about it. usually i love my body but sometimes..... sometimes it all gets to me.... I wish there were more people out there that didn't see me as disgusting just because I'm plus sized.."

James hugged her even tighter and gave her a light kiss on the forhead

"I certainly don't think that, Lily, and I know a lot of people that don't. You're beautiful and smart just as you are. But you shouldn't care about what I think about you, or what anyone else thinks for that matter. it only matter what you think about yourself. now, without thinking about anyone else, how do you feel about yourself and your weight?"

"Sometimes it's hard to like that part of myself, but most days I love it. Being plus sized is something about me a lot of people can relate to, and I want to able to help others accept themselves through my own confidence, and I love that usually I can do that."

"So, you only ever had a problem with it because of others right?"

"Unfortunately"

"Well..." James pauses for a moment and sits back to get a better look at lily. "I really don't think you should worry about the jerks that think being plus sized makes a person ugly. Really, their attitudes are the true things that are ugly. I know it's easier said than done, but I more than willing to give you a reminder of how amazing you are here and will be there to help you out. And teach those idiots a bit of a lesson if need be"

Lily smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks

"Thanks, James. You're not too bad yourself, when you want to be" she laughed

James kept to his word after and made sure to help reassure lily anytime her thoughts about her weight got bad again, until she was easily able to put down the thoughts herself.

Now she truly was a confident, plus sized icon others could gather courage and and acceptance from

[simplydnp]

tw illness discussion

it's been a bit since we've done a late night illness update from char. it's not because i've been feeling better--no, no, i've been doing generally worse, really. i actually did write one of these a few weeks ago, but didn't post it because it was just. far too much. i process things by writing them out--and specifically 'out' not down. it allows thoughts and feelings to escape in ways very few things can. either way, that update was for me.

i want to be as realistic and reflective as possible in these, not only for you, the reader-- should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, i'll have at least done my best to be honest and real: illness sucks, mystery ones especially--but it's also an exercise i live my life doing: i don't see the purpose in lying to myself. this blog is a record of many of my unbridled, raw, hasty thoughts. who would i be if i only included the good ones? the main reason i'm even back here is because this illness forced my hand into making a good decision. a selfish decision. one that i literally agonized over for weeks because i thought that in order to truly be sick i must also be suffering. how dare i experience any joy during this time. that thought has mostly been quieted. one of the main reasons is that i get to spend every day here laughing with you all, and yet, i'm still in agonizing pain most of the time. they're not mutually exclusive. but i'm grateful for anything that's not pain--especially when it's something as special as this.

it seems this is a bit of a sappier update than usual. don't worry, we'll get there.

my medication isn't doing anything for me. we're over a month into this new one and the pain is so bad it's like i'm not even taking anything for it. it demands my attention. it must be felt. and my doctor doesn't know what to do. she was shocked when i told her, because this is thee go-to nerve pain medication. and i feel like i'm dying. it has done nothing. it's just my existence now. she suggested narcotics and i just can't. i can't do it. especially since the pain isn't 'real' in the sense that i don'thave a physical injury. so i'm scared of heavy pain medication, to be frank. we're trying a mood stabilizer and i don't think it's doing anything either. we're gonna try a muscle relaxant in the next few days. my hopes aren't high--it takes too much energy to put them up, only to have to tear them down a few days later and pretend like they aren't just in a heaping pile on the floor.

i've been going to therapy, as well. it's... something. i left one day feeling absolutely terrible. we just dug into something extremely sensitive that we really didnt have enough time to cover, and it left me in a tailspin for the next several hours and few days afterwards. i felt very. disconnected. from my body. and my mind felt,,, thick? this must be why they say aftercare is important--genuinely. i was lucky that i didnt have to do anything during that time. truly, truly awful. it hasn't been like that since, but i'm trying to figure out ways to cope if it does happen again.

so that's where we're at. i wish i had better news.

[albentelisa]

Hi. So you remember the Lady of the Lake, right? Well, what if she had managed to disguise herself as a mortal woman?

That human form she took on is non other Barabra Lake, thus already making Jim half human.

When he gets the amulet in this AU, he knows his mom hates Merlin, so he doesn't tell her at first.

Oh, in this AU Bular is definitely not the only one sent flying. Merlin will get that honor for sure as well. James Lake Sr. too, I guess. And maybe even Strickler (if he ever tries something dumb, LOL).

Jokes aside, I'll say that James Lake Sr is the one responsible for Barbara's disguise. My headcanon is that Nimue can grant wishes, but she chooses to grant those only if someone voices their deepest desires (as she hates hypocrites). So, one day James amid his travel to Britain, somehow wandered into the Nimue's current abode and voiced his wish to meet his perfect woman (he was just fooling around and had no idea that it would be granted). Nimue assumed a mortal woman's form of Barbara appearing right before him. Just to say, their relationship didn't work because there never was any true love between the two of them.

Nimue would prefer to return to her old life after the breakup, but she stays with humans because it's something Jim genuinely desires. And honestly, his wish is the one she is actually happy to grant.

As for Jim in this AU, he knows a bit about his mom, but definitely not everything. Like, he's aware that Barbara is inhuman and even caught a glimpse of her monstrous form once (it's an experience he'd rather forget) and that she dislikes Merlin for some reason (Barbara never told her son about her imprisonment, so Jim is entirely unaware how serious that hatred is).

Jim inherited his mom's abilities but cannot use those as he was traumatized after seeing Barbara's inhuman form and is scared to turn into something similar so he subconsciously seals those.

Why Barbara never learns about Jim finding the amulet despite being able to read souls? Well, she refuses to read Jim's soul, respecting his privacy, and because she knows that Jim doesn't lie or hide things from her (well, he DID before the amulet).

However, Barbara read Strickler's soul. She knows he's inhuman, but well, he has no ill intent towards Jim. And Jim's plan to keep things secret from his mom flies out of the window because she also learns about Strickler's desire to get the amulet from her son.

Barbara is pissed (to put it mildly) that Merlin's amulet chose her son. For her, it's like the hateful wizard's trying to control Jim (like he did with her). However, soon she realizes that Jim wants to be a hero himself and vows to support him. She tinkers with the amulet though as she believes that her son should fight for his own ideals, not her former tormentor's glory.

Barbara becomes a team member, but her abilities are limited (because it's either keeping her human form or regaining her full powers). She isn't ready to drop her human disguise though because of Jim (as she is scared he won't be able to see her as his mother anymore).

Strickler changes the sides pretty fast because Barbara sees that his true desire is the liberating changelings and encounters him about it. The same goes for Nomura. Strickler tries to recruit Otto too, but he is too scared to betray Gunmar. Otto is also the one who frees Angor Rot here, hoping to use him as a bodyguard from both Jim's team and Bular (who is pretty much enraged after the two changelings desert).

NotEnrique gets planted into Claire's family (as well as some other changelings are transferred as the Janus Order has a shortage of manpower now).

Jim still encounters a stalking, and to defeat it he unwittingly goes full monster form which terrifies him to his core. He starts questioning whether he has any right to be with his friends. Toby tells him that it doesn't matter.

Much like in the canon, Claire snoops around and learns Jim's secret about the trollhunting. She joins the team before they learn about NotEnrique, so the eventual reveal hits her the most. Claire tries to find the Killahead alone to travel to the Darklands, and she locates it but gets kidnapped by Angor Rot. Otto uses her as a hostage to get the amulet from Jim.

During the Battle of Two Bridges, Claire manages to wrestle the shadow staff from Angor, Otto and Angor escape, and Bular is sucked into the Darklands (getting his wish to reunite with his father).

Now the only thing remaining is to save Enrique, but it meets more opposition at the Trollmarket as there is a risk to unseal both Gunmar and Bular. Even Strickler thinks it's unreasonable.

Meanwhile, Otto tries to get the bridge back. He still hopes to get Gunmar's trust back. He exploits Angor for that and sends assassins from the Order after different members of Jim's team.

Angor makes a deal with Jim and gets free eventually.

However, Jim goes to the Darklands alone in this AU as he feels guilty because many of his teammates have some injuries after the Janus Order's non-stop attacks.

In the Darklands, Jim notices that something is wrong with him. Apparently, the constant sense of danger makes his inhuman half resurface. So far those are partial transformations that he can reverse but those might get worse. At some point, he stumbles upon Bular who is exiled after his failure. They fight initially but make a truce as Bular is lost and has no idea what to do now.

Together they locate the nursery and save Enrique. Jim plans to bring Bular along with him to the surface and give him a second chance, but they only manage to get Enrique as the bridge is destroyed (and it's only partially Usurna's fault as the guards see Bular walking along with Jim and misunderstand everything).

Barbara is enraged, especially after reading Usurna's true intentions in her soul. Alas, most of the Tribunal doesn't believe her accusations (Vendel and Blinky are the only ones aware of her true identity), and both Vendel and Blinky are accused of treachery and conspiring with Gunmar. The rest of the team escapes and then they are divided into two teams to jailbreak Blinky and Vendel and to recover the Bridge.

Barbara manages to force open the passway to the Darklands (as she had altered the amulet before so she has some control over its abilities now) and the team goes to the Darklands searching for Jim. The fight against Gunmar happens there and Jim defeats him with the help of his team. Bular decides to stay in the Darklands and rebuild the Gumm-Gumm kingdom, but this time make it a better place for other trolls.

However, the victory is soured by the fact that the entire team is considered criminals at the Trollmarket now as Usurna has seized control. She also makes a pact with Otto, who wants to liberate Morgana. Otto steals the amulet from Jim and destroys it to get a map to Merlin's tomb. Initially, Trollhunters have no idea why Otto did it, deciding it was just a revenge plan.

Otto wakes up Merlin by accident but still gets his staff and escapes. Merlin gets out and after some misfortunes finds Douxie and they go to contact Trollhunters. Obviously, Barbara isn't happy. She isn't going to help Merlin but begrudgingly agrees when Douxie and Jim ask her.

Meanwhile, Usurna and Otto free Morgana and get some powers from her. Morgana feels that those two are better for her plans than Gunmar as neither of them would risk opposing her. She also unites forces with Morando.

Jim's team learns about Aja and Krel's secret and all of them realize that their enemies work as the united forces now. The decisive clash happens and the good guys come victorious. The Trollmarket finally is free and Jim's team can go there without any complications.

Merlin isn't happy though as it seems that he anticipates something bad to happen. Not that anyone is interested in listening to his thoughts, especially Barbara who would rather send him flying somewhere.

Some time passes, and Barbara has a visit from Bellroc who proposes a truce to eradicate humanity (as the Arcane Order is sure that Nimue is as pissed about magical creatures' oppression as they are). They are surprised when she refuses.

The Arcane Order still needs Nimue's power so the Green Knight kidnaps Jim, and the Order tries to force his latent abilities out. They also attack the flying castle in the hope of capturing Nari too. Douxie, Claire, Steve, and Toby end in the past. Claire is the one who gets in prison, though as she carelessly uses her magic before Arthur and his knights. Morgana breaks her out together with all the trolls.

While visiting Nimue in the past, the team finally gets why Barbara hates Merlin that much in the present. Nimue also sees that Claire's hidden desire is to liberate Jim from the Arcane Order's control (even though she has no idea who Jim is) and during the parting she gives her a hint that Jim should snap out of it himself.

When the team is back to the present, they are forced to face the Arcane Order, Green Knight, and Jim who lost his human form entirely and pretty much berserk at the moment as he isn't familiar with his new form and all new sensations attached.

Merlin (being Merlin) suggests capturing and sealing Jim somewhere. Luckily for him, Barbara hasn't heard that. Claire is pissed though. She tries to get to Jim and reach his mind, and nearly succeeds but is forced to retreat as the Arcane Order interrupts her.

Meanwhile, Green Knight finds and kills Merlin while seizing his staff (as Jim has learned where the seals are hidden and told the Order about those). Now Bellroc and Skrael only need to capture Nari.

Claire makes an attempt to reach Jim through the Shadow realm. She meets Morgana there (Morgana was sealed there after her defeat and still isn't liberated) and tries to reason with her (Claire wasn't possessed by Morgana in this AU, so she is more open-minded about it). They both try to find Jim's soul and see that he is scared, confused, and lost. This time Claire manages to reach him and ensure that no one is scared of his monstrous form. It helps Jim to regain control and turn human once again.

[hellbentrapture]

Gone

I did not think my first eulogy would be for my best friend. I did not think we would not grow old together, geriatrics doing movie nights. I did not think I would not always be cooking and sharing meals with him, so candid and excited about each one. I did not think he would let go. I did not think he would not be there. Ever. Again.

CW/TW: suicide, grief, loss, depression, mental illness, abusive and manipulative family, funeral arrangements, C-PTSD/PTSD, OCD.

My best friend committed suicide on February the 7th of this year (2024), I learned about it on the 10th after myself and my other best friend filed a missing persons report for him on the 9th. He had been struggling only a few days prior with an episode that involved C-PTSD and a flashback - I cannot divulge more than this, only that it was so complicated and there is so much more to it. He did go to the hospital, on Sunday the 4th. He did spend the night. He went home Monday the 5th.

Myself, he, and my other best friend had a group call. We talked for awhile and he was genuinely hopeful for the future. He had plans, he was talking to people, he was reaching out.

Wednesday the 7th was the last time anyone heard from him - it was me and my other best friend, at 10am. We were told he likely died around 4:30pm/5pm. A matter of hours, lessened when you account for him writing the letter and travelling. We were informed it was a train. I will never look at trains the same ever again, I do not know when I will be able to truly look at them yet...

The space between the 7th and the 10th is because he was unidentified, and was only discovered and connections made because I insisted we check on him. I insisted we make calls on Friday, we go to his apartment, we involve local health, we involve the police. Had we not filed that missings, who knows how long it would have been.

Worse yet, his abusive and estranged mother is his legal next of kin. So she gets to make all the calls on his arrangements and care. He had technically cut off his sister 8 months ago, but she is our only ally and is the far far lesser of the two evils. Working with her has not been as bad as it could be - without her, my other best friend and I would have no power nor legal recourse anywhere.

Before his mother intervened, we had picked a lovely funeral home to have him cremated at, that even said they could arrange a viewing for us. Instead, he will be going to literally the cheapest crematorium in the city (that actually advertises as such) and does not do viewings. His mother has been withholding what belongings she has gotten and has threatened to withhold all of his ashes if his sister does not see her for them. His mother, and her partner, have also threatened to keep the ashes out of spite. Luckily, the crematorium has promised us half the ashes that we can pick up separately.

I am trying not to fret that She will intervene once more...

I have not been fully processing or feeling it all yet - I don't think I will be able to until we are done planning the official service (that anyone who knew him is welcome to) and the wake (the tight circle). So a big part of me feels like I am in wait mode still.

But I do feel it every now and then, the deep cavernous sadness. The utter despair. The loss. The denial. The anger. Grief. More grief.

I loved him so very much. We were two struggling souls caught in a ruthless and relentless storm, gripping each other's hands, terrified but knowing we could make it together. I had so many visions of my future, and he was always going to be there with us.

In the end, as he told me in his letter, it was the OCD. I am angry that he gave into the impulse to find only the worst stories of OCD, where he believes those to be the all. I am deeply hurt, wishing I had known it felt so bad for him. And I am mortally terrified, for I did not know OCD could take you down like that - and I have OCD.

And you know what this all needs? Therapy. Do you know what I cannot access? Therapy.

I am so lucky and thankful for the Tight Circle I still have, we are supporting each other so much right now and I am so glad for it. I know I have others. I know this awful, awful pain will pass eventually, with time.

Time...

[shigayokagayama]

maybe a weird question, but do you have any recommendations for non-mob psycho media? I’ve been in search of something that hits similarly/is as well made and I trust your judgement o wise one. I’m not super picky, so recs of any kind would be appreciated :)

im like the worst person to take media recommendations from because you have to tie me down to watch something new and then i get obsessed with it forever, in terms of things ive seen recently that hit the same tumblr is NOT lying dungeon meshi is really good and if you start watching now you're gonna be watching at the part where it starts getting crazy

other stuff ive been into (gets progressively less mob psycho and generally more depressing like the further down we go bc i tend to get into really, really sad shit):

-i <3 deltarune but everyone has already played that. deltarune good. if you havent played deltarune play deltarune. genuinely like it more than undertale. also if the last chapter of deltarune is just the confession arc i called it and deserve a million dollars

-same w spiderverse. listen usually i dont care about superhero stuff but god these movies are good and i really hope they stick the landing.

-everything everywhere all at once continues to be one of my favorite movies ever

-rainworld (video game, very difficult but skurry's playthroughs do a good job summarizing the plot and general vibe of each route if you wanna watch those. i watched my friend play survivor ages ago and ive been playing through survivor with a friend on multiplayer and decided to watch some playthroughs to get a feel for the map and GOD DAMN the story of this game. rivulet route almost made me cry.) fair warning this is animal death the video game.

-severance (live action tv show, general plot is some sort of dystopian future where they invent a surgery where you can seperate your work self from your normal self so you clock into work and then black out until your shift is over. except your work self is just stuck at work forever. only 9 episodes but very, VERY good)

-i actually really enjoyed the scott pilgrim comics and the anime i wish anyone ever could be normal about them. id definitely suggest comics (if you can handle the 2000s humor) then anime. also basically everyone knows this but fair warning that starting out the main character is in his early 20s dating a 17 year old, it is explicitly treated as a shitty thing by the narrative and theres nothing explicit and its made very clear that he has 0 feelings for her whatsoever and is just using her as an ego boost but if youre sensitive to that stuff i might skip this one

-lots of webcomics about animals. i read so many webcomics about animals its like. my main media intake. this is part of the reason that i dont understand complaints about the art style my favorite webcomic looks like this

its called doe of deadwood and ill think about it until the day i die. others im currently reading (since this one wrapped a while ago) are "what lurks beneath" (cat cult on an island) "waves always crash" (cat cult on the beach) "i didnt know" (cat cult in a barn), toufati sawa (hyena trying to avenge her clan) and africa (leopard trying to survive the harshening world with her cubs) warning for animal death with all of these and general abuse warning for all those cat cult ones bc. cults.

-i like warrior cats. do not read warrior cats. its not very good and youll get stuck here forever.

-pathologic but the actual game and not just people describing the game please watch someone play the actual game summaries skip so much of the meat of the story and the characters. or play the game if you can bear learning to strategically quicksave. fair warning there is a lot of racism depicted against indigenous people in these games and while the framing of it generally aires on the side of "racism bad" there are a lot of kinda shitty tropes that come with it.

-listen bojack horseman is one of my shows it is the polar opposite of mob psycho in like every way and i would never in a million years recommend it if you want something that hits like mob psycho but if we're asking for just things i enjoy this is one of them. heavy cw for drug usage and abuse with this one. might want to give "does the dog die" a look for this one bc people are not joking about how heavy this show is

-same with hospice. hospice is a concept album about a hospice worker and a patient and has had more of an influence on me than any other piece of media ever bc i found it at the exact perfect time in my life for it to be relevant to my circumstances and now its like part of my identity. heavy cw for abuse also

-speaking of concept albums hey have you listened to tyler the creator he has several. WOLF especially i really like because the plot is actually like. kinda intricate. he also says the f slur a lot in WOLF but hes bisexual so diversity win?

-succession good. tw for like. everything though. probably "does the dog die" this one.

-hey have you ever watched david lynch's 1972 film "eraserhead"