#i try my best to be non-judgmental i really do. this is less judgement and more confusion

[daz4i]

i am aware i will sound. ig ignorant is the right word here? but every time like. i watch a wendigoon video where he brings up his connection to religion. or when he brings up other creators of horror content who are religious and use it in their horror. i am so baffled

like to me, from all the people i met throughout my life (both jewish and christian), it's hard to think about religion as a good thing. i know more people who are ex-christians or ex-orthodox jews than ppl who believe in god (or rather, the ppl i do know who believe in god, aren't really people i was ever close to. more like neighbors in my old building). religion is something that has been traumatic to most people i know who had any connection to it. i personally see it as something that's been forced on me and is still forced on everyone in my country regardless of if we believe in it or not, ever since we were kids

(not to mention my personal gripe with god as a trans + disabled person lmao. my biggest enemy fr)

so seeing people treat religion as something positive is. ig the best word here is. alien to me. people using it in horror not as the thing that's horrifying (or rather, using demons as the thing that's horrifying, rather than the god fighting them) just feels wrong

logically i know people find meaning in it. i heard stories of belief saving people's lives. i have met people who are incredibly sweet and still religious (tho, i can count them on one hand). but at the same time, as a whole concept, and the way its people are currently working to ruin the lives of almost everyone in my country besides themselves, i can't help but view it as something vile. the things it makes people do are awful. the wars it causes. the human rights being trampled because of it. it's hard to imagine how someone could be entrenched in it but come out kind while still holding onto faith

[rat-father]

Second part of my multiple whumpees series, which I decided to call "decoration only"

New and probably maybe last whumpee gets introduced in this one, with Painting still being defiant

The ending was completely unplanned and at first I wanted it to go in a different direction but my brain said "no <3" so uH

Tagging; @whump-it

-- tw;; display whump, multiple whumpees, implied noncon & noncon kiss, conditioned whumpees, dehumanising, intimate whumper, multiple whumpers, captivity whump, it as pronoun --

Painting tugged at their restraints, over and over, hoping for some form of movement. Doll silently shook its head at them with pleading eyes, trying to get them to stop. If Gerald saw them attempting to escape again he would be furious, he was still in a grumpy mood from them kicking his boyfriend earlier.

Painting shot it an angry look and let out a huff, finally giving up. It knew the position they were in was uncomfortable, it felt lucky not to be restrained themselves this time, but it didn’t want Painting to get in trouble. Doll had been good enough to be allowed outside the bedroom for once so it wanted to make the best of it. But if Painting started acting up and ruining the night now, Doll would have to pay for it later as well. It only wished Painting would understand that and quit resisting all the time. Hopefully if everything went smoothly, it could have a night to itself for once.

Doll didn’t want to set any expectations, events were always a gamble. If it got lucky enough its owners would get too drunk to really do anything to it, otherwise it would just get thrown around and used by them like every other night. It shuddered thinking about it. It tried to dismiss the thoughts, and enjoy what little free time they had. Doll sat down on the wooden floor with its legs crossed, staring at its bare feet. All its nails were neatly painted a light green to match Gerald’s pillows. It hated itself for actually liking them, the color was pleasant, it couldn’t deny that. It just wished it had been allowed to wear something less revealing and warmer for the event then a short skirt and crop top, but it supposed making it feel embarrassed was half the fun.

Doll wondered how long it had been since it first came here. It must’ve been months already, it couldn’t remember its life outside of this house anymore. Or had this always been its life?

The door to the showroom swung open, and Doll immediately stood up, hands behind their back. It could hear Painting shifting on their feet next to it. It tensed up watching Brandon walk towards them, bag in hand.

“Dollie! Come here, bubba.” He barked.

Doll ran up and kneeled before him. It kept its eyes on his feet, too nervous to look up.

“The old hag decided to buy you a new collar for tonight, because your current one has gotten old and it would be embarrassing for us to make people think we can’t afford anything better.”

He reached inside the bag, taking out a pink collar with fake white flowers attached to it. It carefully peeked up and held its breath as he replaced its old collar with the new one. The collar felt more stiff and was tight against its skin, it hated it already.

“There. You look much cuter like this, dollie.” He purred.

Brandon placed two fingers under Doll’s chin, tilting its head up, and pressed a kiss against its lips. It tried its best not to pull away, it felt embarrassed having to kiss him in front of someone else. Doll heaved a sigh of relief when he let go of it. It could feel Painting staring at it, but it didn’t want to see their face, the judgmental look in their eyes. Brandon slowly stroked its cheek, rubbing small circles with his thumb.

“You look a bit red darling, something wrong?”

He gave it that fake, caring smile. The smile which always made it believe he cared, if only for a moment. Doll shook its head, trying to avoid eye contact. It wanted to just sink into the floor and disappear. He cupped its face with his hands, making it flinch.

”Good. The guests will be here in an hour, so get ready, bubba.”

Brandon gave it another kiss on the forehead and walked back out. Once he was out of sight Doll reached up to the collar, trying to get it to loosen. It whipped its head over to Painting when they tapped their feet on the ground to get its attention. Confusion was written on their face, staring at it with wide eyes. It wasn’t sure what to say to them, and turned its eyes down in shame, shrugging. It didn’t need their judgement right now.

-

The room was crowded with people, making it hard for Neko to navigate with plates in their hands. They tried their best to be efficient and not make anyone upset, which became increasingly more difficult as the hours went on. Neko’s muscles were burning from running around the entire time. They silently served the guests their drinks, and moved on to the next. On their way back to the kitchen Gerald stepped in front of them, stopping them in their tracks. They bowed politely, waiting for an order.

“I’ll be showing off my decorations soon, so go get Flower from outside.” Gerald hissed.

“Yes, master.”

Neko turned around and swiftly moved to the front door. They took a peek over their shoulder, biting their lip, before reluctantly opening it. The air outside was cold, hitting them in an instant. For a moment they stood still, taking deep breaths, admiring the sky. They didn’t want to keep Gerald waiting for too long. Flower’s white hair stood out in the dark, so they didn’t have any issues finding them. It was only when they approached that they could see the tear streaks on their face. Neko could tell the guests hadn’t been kind, they never were.

“Hey, you gotta go inside.”

Neko reached their hand out, which Flower gratefully took. They lead them back inside, through the crowd, straight to the showroom. The change from cold to warm air made Flower shudder for a bit. Nonetheless they took their place next to Painting, sitting down in a different position. Doll took a glance at them, slowly standing up and taking its place in the corner, keeping its eyes down. Neko silently remarked how different it looked from last time they saw them. They scanned the room one last time to make sure everything was in the proper place, then hurried off to find Gerald. It took them a long minute to find him in the crowd, but eventually found him in the middle of the room, talking to Brandon.

“Master? Everything is ready.” Neko said.

“Very well,” Gerald clapped his hands two times, echoing through the room and silencing everyone. “I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had a lovely start to the evening, now, I’d like to show you all my latest work.”

Neko was already at the door, opening it so the guests could enter. Gerald and Brandon took the lead entering first, everyone else following after. They waited until the room had cleared before entering themselves, leaving one door slightly opened, just in case they had to get something. Across the room they could see Painting snarling at people getting close to them. The sight made them wince. They let out a deep sigh, already knowing how this would end for Painting. They flinched at the sudden sound of footsteps barreling towards them. In the blink of an eye Doll was standing next to them.

”Do you.. need something, Doll?” Neko asked, concerned.

“I felt lonely. Master said I was allowed to go to you.”

It avoided eye contact with them, looking in a completely different direction.

”Can I hold your hand?”

Doll nodded, and Neko took its hand in their own. They smiled at it, they missed having contact with another person. Doll smiled back, a small smile, a kind one. They both stood silently, forgetting about the world around them. It would be okay, they were sure of it.

[max1461]

An observation:

I find that, when discussing the concept of tolerance (especially in its political incarnation, but also more generally), people tend to frame it in a very particular way that is somewhat foreign to me. Tolerance is presented as something that does not really come naturally to anyone, but that some people are compelled to engage in by their moral compass. Like, the assumption seems to be that by default, we'd all constantly be up in each other's business being judgmental or hateful or whatever, and those of us who don't do that must simply be restraining our natural urges because we believe that they're wrong.

You see this sentiment implicit in the way a lot of right-wingers frame their opposition to certain forms of liberal toleration ("we're rebels, free from the liberal mind-prison of having to tolerate everyone all the time" etc etc.). You also see it in how a lot of left-liberal or left-ish people talk about their own values of tolerance ("unlike those right-wingers who give in to hate, we're going to be the grown-ups in the room and respect people who are different from us"). Judgement, sectarianism, and dislike of the Other are presented as seductive urges we all share; to practice them is hedonic and rebellious, to resist them is mature and restrained.

I fundamentally cannot relate to this understand of, let's say, the emotional experience of tolerance.

[this part lapses into mild tangent, but I think it's worthwhile]

I get the impression that for a lot of people, the act of value judgement is like... actively enjoyable? Or something they otherwise seek out?

When encountering a New Thing, it seems that many people's immediate reaction is to try and decide if it's a Good Thing or a Bad Thing. There are of course people who are critical of this gut tendency, and stress the need for nuance in one's analysis of things etc etc. But I find that even these people still tend to act as though the appropriate course of action when presented with something novel is to assign it a value judgement, they just demand that the judgement be more complex than "Good" or "Bad". Maybe they even argue that before making the judgment, you are obligated to spend time and effort learning about and contemplating the thing in order to come to an informed assessment. But, again, they still tend to take it as a given that the eventual goal is to decided the The Goodness Of The Thing, and to act accordingly.

I have trouble relating to this set of desires. I tend to find the act of value judgement itself to be basically... a hassle? Like, just, on a very basic level as a cognitive task it doesn't feel good to me. I find it draining very quickly. Answering the question "How Do I Feel About This Thing?" is not any fun.

(sidenote: I do not find it similarly draining to think up reasons why someone else might approve or disapprove of a thing, which suggests to me that the task I dislike is not producing value judgements, but evaluating them.)

Of course, I recognize the necessity of value judgement: if you want to have any ethical system at all, you need to be able to look at potential courses of action and give them some measure of ethical evaluation. You need to be able to say "it would probably be good if I did this, and not so good if I did that" etc. You've gotta be able to say "the Nazis were bad, actually". I am not arguing that we should all abstain from value judgement or anything like that. It would seem that value judgement is a cognitive task we're all ethically obligated to engage in, at least some of the time.

Therefore, for me, the act of value judgement is something that I do out of duty. It's a drag. I do it because I have to. When I encounter a New Thing, my default reaction is generally to go "huh, well there's that thing I guess". I might also ask myself "do I find this thing interesting", and if the answer is "no" I ignore it, and if the answer is "yes" I try to learn about it. But if the New Thing is the sort of thing that seems clear to have some ethical implications, I also ask myself "is this good or bad (or some mix of the two, etc.)", and try to act accordingly. I just don't really enjoy that part.

[back on topic]

This is were my alienation from a lot of discourse about tolerance comes from, I think. Being judgmental of people, or hating them, or being angry at them or whatever requires a value judgement. It requires me to decide "these people are Bad, they've done something Wrong, etc". And all ethics aside, I just have an active distaste for doing that. What comes most naturally to me is a kind amoral absolute tolerance. "Who cares what anybody else does".

As I've moved farther to the left politically, I've actually become less tolerant, and I think this is one of the reasons that it's a mistake to associate tolerance with the left.

When I was a teenager, I was basically a sort of secular political quietist. My general take was "the government will always be basically bad and corrupt, but they'll also do some good things too, like keeping the roads paved. The best thing to do is ignore the system as much as you can, circumvent it if it gets in your way, and focus on producing intellectual achievements that will outlive you and make the world lastingly better that way." Honestly, I still think certain aspects of this are very reasonable. I've just become more of a utopian as I've aged.

Anyway, at that point in my political evolution, I was in an absolute sense probably the most tolerant I've ever been. Whether speaking about cultural differences, ideological ones, or immutable traits, my general attitude was "who cares, it's all the same anyway". (also I was an edgy teenager, so I expressed this belief by becoming ironically pro-cannibalism, but I digress). As I got older and moved to the left, most of the changes involved become less tolerant of things. Less tolerant of injustice, less tolerant of hierarchy, etc. I can't really think of anything that moving left made me more tolerant of. And, just to clarify, I think this is probably a good thing.

For me, becoming a leftist was essentially the process of saying to myself "I know it's a drag to judge things, but actually you have to do it anyway sometimes". This is the exact reverse of the framing I described at the beginning of this post. The easy path for me was always non-judgement, and maturing involved realizing that I did, in fact, probably have to judge certain things.

[wardensantoineandevka]

not trying to provoke discourse of anything, more working through my own thoughts on the topic, because i definitely agree that friends should look out for each other and that includes making contingency plans and such! but for me the b+c+f convo did feel rather :/ and im trying to work out why. i dont remember all the exact wording and dont have the means to rewatch right now, but from what i rememeber i think it has to do with the fact that the convo felt less like a contingency (1/3)

for IF something were to happen, and more like they (or beau at least, given how she started the convo with something like "we all know this is weird right?") had already decided that something would for sure happen, no ifs or doubts about it. and i guess the :/ factor, for me at least, is largely that it's not just that they're being careful and planning ahead, but there's an element of thinking they already /know/ that things are going to go horribly wrong in a way jesters not seeing, (2/3) which leads to the sense that they dont trust jesters judgement of the situation, because they think they know better. again, i dont remember exact details, but these are some musings based in (potentially twisted/mis-) rememebered senses of that scene. absolutely feel free to ignore these since discourse topic, but yeah you got me thinking and i wanted to share i guess. (3/3)

Contingency plans, by their nature, require a belief that something can and will go wrong. So, a level of certainty about it is what makes it one, imo.

And, well, given that something did go horribly wrong in a way that Jester did not see coming, including something one of them explicitly feared was going to happen, I would say their fears were warranted and, in the end, proven to a degree. Something did happen. Not necessarily what they were expecting, but they also made an allowance that Artagan's capriciousness and shenanigans would get Jester hurt, unintentionally or otherwise. And, well, they did. That was a thing that happened. The three of them worry about it, and it happens.

And, frankly, again, given their limited perspective, I do not see what they did wrong in the moment. They do not have the range of information we have. They know that Jester is devoted to Artagan in a way that means she may ignore red flags that are out of their line of sight. Fjord knows that Jester is reluctant to talk to them. Yes, part of it is wondering if Jester's judgment is complete—but given the situation, I do not necessarily understand why that's a capital sin, particularly when the situation is dangerous. Trusting your friend's judgment and respecting what they do with it, in my opinion, runs up until you have reason to believe they have incomplete information, they have reason to not tell you worrisome information because they don't want it to be interpreted it as a red flag, or their decisions may very well hurt them. I understand the angle, I just personally don't understand what the fundamental problem is with it.

Frankly, to quote my sister on the subject: “Knowing Artagan her entire life gives some sort of more reason to be wary of him when he acts callously, like dumping them on Death Island. It’s like when your college friends realize that your elementary school friends you’re still hanging out with are, well, sort of really shit.”

Particularly given that, to an extent, they WERE proven correct. I think also that, from inside the narrative, Artagan's behavior is extremely worrisome to those who are of a nervous disposition and dislike when people around them are not consistent in their whims.

If they felt they knew better at all times, they would've intervened a lot sooner and controlled what Jester could've done, and not allowed her any contact with Artagan in any context more than strictly necessary. But the three of them wait until the last possible moment, some of them not reacting strongly at all in the end.

My question is: why this discourse over questioning Jester’s judgment? Did not the Nein question Beau’s judgment when she went to make the deal with Isharnai? Did not they question Veth’s judgment when she continued to drink heavily in a manner that endangered the group? Did not they question Fjord’s judgment during the pirates arc, even as he stated repeatedly and emphatically that he would not do as they feared, because they felt he wasn’t being entirely forthright, even though he was fairly so? (Did not Caduceus question Fjord’s judgment as recently as this arc—and get nearly pulled into the morkoth lair for it because Fjord was right?) Did not they question Veth’s judgment when she refused to stop talking to Halas? And were not these all fair?

What is it that makes Jester’s judgment so sacrosanct that it cannot be questioned?

Maybe I do think we need to examine the judgment of our friends from time to time. Especially in situations where a lapse in judgment could get us all killed. And, sometimes, you're wrong. But sometimes your friend is wrong. Sometimes you're both wrong. But we're all allowed to check each other's judgment, and in fact, friends should feel free to in a non-controlling manner. Which is what happened. I'm an advocate for questioning the wisdom if your friends' decisions in general when they’re dabbling in things that may put them at risk.

Maybe I don’t think that’s treating your friend like a child. Maybe I think that’s just being a sensible person and a friend who wants to see things work out for the best when the situation is complicated, not clear cut, and dangerous to everyone, most especially that friend. Your friend being right (in some regards) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have questioned it. It’s good to have your own thoughts and opinions and judgments of situations that seem suspect to you, especially if it may hurt someone.

But, like I said, maybe I’m too Capricorn and have had too many irl friends with questionable judgment to vibe with the discourse.

[amedetoiles]

give me a character meme! wwx please!!

[All gifs made by me. No stealing or reposting, thank you. ♥︎]

★ How I feel about this character

I love wwx so much and he deserves so much!!! My feelings for him can be summed up by my first ever meta in this fandom, this half-crack half-shitpost, and the many many meta tears scattered across all the tags on my page that various people have yelled at me for. I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. No character has wrecked me as much as this stupid chaotic ass, who is so inherently good and selfishly selfless it fucking hurts. Yet, for all the love and care he gives freely to everyone else, he can’t for the life of him compute any that others have given to him. He tries so hard to be good, to make the right choices even in impossible, horrendous circumstances, and it’s excruciatingly painful watching him realize again and again that even good choices paved with good intentions can cause destruction. He suffers so much because of it. He suffers before we even really meet him. @cangse-sanren​ wrote “Your parents were bright smears of color and laughter to you, but little more” in this beautiful fic, and I still weep about it daily.

I love how immensely protective he is of both his siblings. He just tries so goddamn hard to be what everyone needs. I could and have and will continue to cry about him every day. How his pathological tendency to repress all things that hurt him, to cover up his pain in humor and obnoxiousness and bravado, and his internalized belief that he is worth much less than everyone else, all converged into the most awful way possible. How despite losing his sect, his siblings, his friends, he was still trying up until the very end. God, what a fantastically complex fucking character. To watch him bloom again after that deluge of rage and grief and insanity 13/16 years later was the most satisfying journey anyone could possibly depict. To know that he has the chance to heal, to recover, to grow with all the different parts of his family he once thought lost forever now back in his reach (yes! even our angry grape!!). Truly amazing.

★ All the people I ship romantically with this character

WangXian!!!! These kids who came out of endless tragedy and trauma to find a love, a trust in each other–theirs is a love story that truly extends across space and time. It warms my heart to watch them rebuild their lives together into something warmer, and brighter, and happier than either of them ever grew up knowing. To watch them shed the psychological trauma on what it means to love and be loved given to them by their terrible parental figures and say, “No. We’re going to be better than that.” I love how they complement one another. How loudly and quietly they love each other. How in the warm security of each other’s embrace, they are each able to work through their own internalized traumas without judgement. Lan Wangji’s uncompromising devotion. Wei Wuxian’s fierce protectiveness. It’s hard to say who else could fit together so perfectly. What a joy it is to watch Wei Wuxian realize that he is no longer alone, that Lan Wangji is and will always be standing beside him. What a joy it is to watch Lan Wangji realize that this is not the dream he’s spent years suffering through, that Wei Ying has returned to him against all odds. What a fucking joy it is to watch them both learn to trust happiness, to trust love, to trust each other. GOD. *wails*

★ My non-romantic OTP for this character

YUNMENG SHUANGJIE. YUNMENG SIBS. YILING SIBS. A-YUAN AND HIS TWO DADS. All the different found families that permeated the story was just breathtakingly beautiful. They all fucking gutted me. It all at once makes Wei Wuxian’s story that much more beautiful and that much more tragic. For a child who lost his parents before he even had time to remember them, who then had to rebuild his family again and again, only to lose them each time in increasingly horrifying ways–it truly fucked me up. Wei Wuxian stood on that cliff in Nightless City, and it was visibly clear that he wanted nothing more than to join all the families he loved and watched die (because of him).

The beauty of his story of course is that for all the tragedy that he is subsumed by, for all the ways that he is wronged and has wronged, there are equal, if not more, number of ways that he is lifted, is healed, is shone a light through all the darkness. In the end, his families return to him. Wen Ning, who lived despite it all, carrying the memory of his sister, the best doctor in the world. His shijie shining through his bratty nephew’s heart of gold. His very own A-Yuan, kept safe and protected all these years by his soulmate, his zhiji. His angry grape of a little brother who can’t say I forgive you but tosses him Chenqing that he’s kept safe all these years and says I trust you. They’re all a little broken, a little worse for wear, but there’s something extraordinarily beautiful about these families who find each other again through the bridges they rebuild towards something better.

★ My unpopular opinion about this character

Oh man, I’ve seen a lot of debate about wwx that I try not to get into (I type this of course as I ready myself to do exactly that). Probably the most unpopular opinion (possibly?) I have is that I don’t personally feel like the addition of a second flautist and expanding Jin Guangyao’s villain-ry in CQL detracted or reduced Wei Wuxian’s complex morality–one of my favorite and best parts to his character. I still think he is very gray. His tragedy is still contingent on his naive idealism and his willful blindness that a person only needs to be righteous and honorable regardless of reputation and politics. This clearly isn’t the case. Not just for him, but for all the characters. You can do everything right and still be punished. You can do everything right and still cause others pain. You can be the most hypocritical, loudmouthed piece of judgmental shit and still remain unpunished and available to share your stupid ass ignorant opinions on matters that have nothing to do with you. (Whoops that got away from me.) Wei Wuxian learns this repeatedly. It’s excellent and heartbreaking.

The thing about Wei Wuxian is that for all that he has imposter syndrome, for all that he is unable to see that he is a person worthy of the love he receives, he is still not only extremely confident in his own abilities and in his beliefs of what is right and what is wrong, but also that he is the person who can decide that line between justice and evil. An arrogant assumption, and one that causes not only him but the people he strives to protect a significant amount of pain. This wasn’t lost in CQL. While the plot technically does absolve him of all of his crimes on a surface level, it’s clearly not as simple for Wei Wuxian himself. In the Ancestral Hall, Wei Wuxian stares at the names of Jiang Fengmian, Madam Yu, and Jiang Yanli, whose lives are heavily felt on his shoulders, and he tells Lan Wangji, “After all, the Stygian Tiger Seal was created by me. Whether Jin Guangyao was there or not, that fact can’t be changed.” The show despite its censorship still asks the audience to evaluate his actions and the role he played, both willing and unwillingly, in the deaths of so many people.

It is also shown clearly that the cultivation world only stops trying to kill him because there was now another target, another scapegoat to blame. This is something that Wei Wuxian knows and expresses on multiple occasions on the show. For all that the show may have change things, I don’t think it’s necessarily correct or fair to say that it completely washed away the nuance that was present in the novel. The overarching conflicts and questions are still there. What is moral and what isn’t, what is justified and what isn’t, who is at fault for unforeseen consequences and who isn’t, and the role of external factors and circumstances in all of this. As someone who watched the drama first, I didn’t feel that the complexity of all the characters and their decisions was lost at all in comparison to the novel I later read. The show was honestly superb and still the best version for me overall. (Please don’t send pitchforks.) I have so much more to say about this, and Jin Guangyao still being a great nuanced character foil, but alas, this is already too long.

Other things: Wei Wuxian is a good brother actually, and he knows Jiang Cheng very well. He tried his best under the worst possible circumstances, and it was a great big shit show. I hate discussions where people try to hold one brother more responsible than the other. They both very nobly (and very recklessly) sacrificed a great deal for each other, and they both, frankly, fucked up. They’re Twin Idiots, and I’ll love and drag them both equally dammit! With that in mind, Wei Wuxian’s happy ending isn’t just him joining GusuLan sect, novel be fucking damned (yes, I said it!). His home can be in Gusu and Yunmeng. *SLAMS FISTS* Let 👏 Wei 👏 Wuxian 👏 go 👏 home 👏. (Talking to you, my grape guy. Jin Ling is going to show up in Lotus Pier one day with his da-jiu, and you’re just going to have to deal with it.)

★ One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

WEI WUXIAN PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HUG YOUR DIDI. Jiang Cheng has been waiting 16+ years for your hug, and he damn well deserves one, especially since he gave you such a great octopus hug, all limbs and burrowed scrunchy faces. Like, I know, I know, you were distraught, and traumatized, half-beaten to death after three days of intense surgery, then reaped by ten thousand undead souls calling for revenge, but guess who told your favorite (only) angry grape little brother that in the next life, let’s be brothers again okay? GUESS WHO IS LIVING HIS NEXT LIFE??????? Bruh. Chop chop. Hop fucking to it.

[mbti-notes]

P1) So I have this friend, an Enfp like me. For years she's been a dear friend of mine, and being of similar types have made us very easily get along. But now that we're growing older it feels like I'm in a different place in terms of Fi development, and her lack of development is starting to rub me the wrong way. During the time when we both started to get into Fi development, I started focusing on branching out and figuring out who I was, and she ended up in one relationship after another.

[con’t: The men were nice, and I'm not saying that being in relationships is a bad thing or is inherently detrimental to Fi. But now she's single, and says she feels listless, lonely. She says she seeks out men of status to make her feel accomplished but then either ends up losing interest or they break it off. I've been giving her advice to generate self interest, instead of seeking out interest solely in other people, to pursue her passions, and for a bit it seemed like she was taking my advice. 

But recently I've seen a... I don't know if it's a different version of unhealthy Fi, or whether it truly is a problem with me. If it is me, I would like to fix it. She seems to kind of assume my motives based off of what she herself is feeling. For example, if she feels insecure about something she'll act on the assumption that I'm judging her. I will be completely clueless to the fact that she thinks this until one of her actions based off of that assumption ends up being hurtful. When I come back and tell her that her actions are hurtful and based on false premises, she doesn't apologize, and despite saying that she loves me regardless, says that she feels I'm kind of a judgy person so that's why she assumed. I try my level best to be a non-judgemental person, given that I'm quite aware that people come from all sorts of life experiences and backgrounds, and I've had friends tell me it's one of my better qualities. 

There are times when I do say I can't condone a course of action (because it will hurt someone else or cause problems) and I have had someone break a friendship with me over that before. That person I've been told was toxic and manipulative, and later on I've heard that she herself thought she mightve been wrong. So I've assumed that what she said might not have been true. My family teases me about me being rigid on my morals, but apart from that no one has really mentioned it to me before. I know that being judgy could be a unhealthy trait from Fi, but I have the feeling that my close friend might be having an unhealthy Fi instead. 

So I suppose my questions are: am I indulging in unhealthy Fi traits? If so, how should I fix it? If she's the one being unhealthy, how so and how would you advise me to react? As I said, she's a dear friend of mine of many years. I know there've been times that I've been shitty that she's patiently guided me and times I've been behind where she's waited for me to catch up, so in this case I don't want to leave her behind. I know that I can't get her to change if she doesn't want to, (especially now that she feels that I'm being judgemental I don't want to press) but how do I react to someone with an unhealthy Fi while asserting my boundaries?]

When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, especially if many of those years were formative years, it’s natural for the relationship to carry a lot of baggage - they become more like a family member than a friend. That “baggage” can be a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have someone who’s known you so well and so long. They’re able to put you in context, they’re able to reflect back to you how you have or haven’t changed for the better, and the bond between you is strong due to all the shared experiences. On the negative side, baggage means that there exist some unresolved issues, problems that float around in the background, pain or resentment that gets swallowed for fear of rocking the boat too much, etc. Try to remember the positive when things get negative.

As a general rule, when an unhealthy dynamic between two people forms, both people feed into it in some way, otherwise it wouldn’t continue to get worse over time. Avoid trying to label one person as the only source of the problem. It’s not a case of either/or:

1) I believe that your friend is indeed having difficulty with Fi development, which is HER business to handle. It sounds like she uses men as a means to paper over low self-esteem, which is a manifestation of Te loop that gets in the way of Fi development. What she chooses to do is part of her journey of growth (or lack of growth as the case may be). You have to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate always being told what to do as though you’re stupid. This reminds me of an old song that goes something like: “If I make mistakes, they’re MY mistakes, and I cherish them as part of MY story.” You may believe that you know better than her about how to develop Fi, but perhaps you forget that an important part of being FP is that you have to honor your own story. You can’t live someone else’s story, i.e., betray Fi, and then hope to have healthy Fi in the end. Sometimes, honoring your own story means taking paths that others wouldn’t and falling flat on your face.

2) I also believe that your friend is defensive partly because you have been somewhat judgmental, which is YOUR business to handle. Even if you don’t say it out loud, people can sense disapproval, especially NFs. With your voice in her ear, I’m sure she has some awareness that her behavior is problematic. However, if you keep reminding her of this, what you’re doing is exacerbating the shame and guilt that she feels for “slipping”. You’re asking her to do what’s right, which is what Fi would do, but remember that you may also be asking her to do something that she is not yet ready or ABLE to do - this is how the line gets crossed. 

When you keep reminding FPs that they’re unable to do something, it doesn’t help them - it only makes them feel incompetent. If they feel that way long enough, it affects their self-esteem, which further exacerbates the feeling of incompetence in a vicious cycle. From here, she starts to assume things about your motives, as she projects her own sense of inadequacy. No one likes to feel less than. If you want to give advice, make sure that it’s wanted and appropriate for her level of competency. Most importantly, advice should be given lovingly, i.e., it should always be obvious that you are doing it from a place of care and empathy rather than a place of moral judgment. Avoid language that implies something about her moral character and focus more on the actions/consequences. You can’t speak such that you never offend anybody, but you can always check and recheck your own intentions to make sure that you’re speaking from the heart rather than the finger.

Sometimes, healing a relationship means stepping back a bit to let things cool down, such that you are able to return with fresher eyes. There’s a time for encouraging your friend, there’s a time for telling them the truth, and there’s a time for leaving them alone. It’s not always easy to decide the best option because the other person may not even know what it is they really need from you, if anything. At least she’s letting you know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t need or want your judgment. To me, this raises the question of what she does need from you. It seems that you don’t know, because every time you try to intervene, you’re not helping her in any discernible way. If the people close to you are implying that you’re judgy, it’s something to pay attention to. It means that you’re either not approaching “helping” with the right intention or you’re not expressing your desire to help in the right way. Something that I often have to remind Fi types of is that “helping” is ultimately about the other person, not just about you satisfying your own moral imperatives. If you forget this, you may easily overstep and disrespect the other person’s boundaries due to imposing your values on them.

ENFPs love to discuss the things that are important to them. They love to explore new ideas and possibilities. But if the only reason you’re engaging in the discussion is to try to “lead” her into agreeing with your way of judging the situation, she’ll know, and she’ll close up, because you’re being disingenuous. In essence, being “judgy” might mean that you are imposing your idea of what Fi development is onto her, instead of helping her to discover the best ways of reaching healthy Fi on her own terms, at her own pace, in her own way - assuming that Fi development is still something that she wants. 

It’s easy to spot problems in people, but it’s a lot harder to come up with the most appropriate solution. Like it or not, these men are fulfilling a need in her life, and this can easily turn into a form of addiction, with withdrawal symptoms and all that jazz. The longer someone carries on a pattern, the harder it is to break. What exactly is the need that she’s attempting to fill? Where does that need come from, why does it exist in that form, or why is it such an urgent matter to her that she’s unable to give up her pattern of serial dating? Is there a better or healthier method to address the need... a method that she is capable of carrying out? If there is a competency problem, what is the best way to address it? These are the questions that you should ask, if you want to understand her well enough to tackle the problem constructively. And you may not get the answers until you approach her at the right time, in the right way.

[transallymama]

The Gender Spectrum: Making the Case to Cisgender People - Part 1: Learn

Introduction

I wish I could write just one paragraph on this topic, and call it done. Because it is a simple concept: accept other people for who they are without judgement, and let them live their lives in peace and according to their own values and goals. However, I am seeing a lot of misunderstanding on the gender spectrum and transgender equality, and it is going to require further discussion to help us all be more educated on the matter. Thus, I have written this essay, broken into parts for focus and ease of digestion. Allow me to explain all the nuances of transgender equality, as succinctly and compassionately (for all parties) as possible.

Essay Contents (the details are subject to change since I am currently still writing):

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

Part 2: Terms and Definitions

Part 3: The Gender Spectrum

Part 4: Identity, Broadly Speaking

Part 5: Judgmental Thinking, Broadly Speaking

Part 6: Personal Liberty and Gender Expression

Part 7: Dispelling Common Gender Myths

Part 8: Common Sense Rules of Etiquette

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

My name is Erin. I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, and a daughter. I chose those gender-specific words because they match my gender identity. I was born as female, and I identify as female. But this is not everyone’s story. Not everyone’s gender identity fits neatly into a little box labeled “female” or “male.” (I will get to the explanation of how this can all make sense for you, but stick with me.) If you’re like me, that is cisgender (meaning you identify as the gender which matches your biological sex), then I hope you’ll read what I have to say. You might need to hear from someone like yourself to really start to understand why transgender rights is so important in our times - and beyond just understanding it, to become an advocate for the greater LGBTQ community and help others who might be (either intentionally or inadvertently) continuing to harass, berate, and marginalize a group of people already experiencing deep-seated, systemic, and pervasive discrimination. Truly, they need our support!

If you are frustrated or uncomfortable with the topic of transgender equality and the gender spectrum, it is likely because you lack clarity on the issues and/or personal connection to the LGBTQ community. Your best response to these feelings is to 1) acknowledge them, 2) check that your emotional response is not harming others, and 3) learn more about the topic. 

First then, before we get into the details on the gender spectrum, I would like to address and acknowledge your feelings. Most importantly, I would like you to acknowledge your feelings on the topic. Phrases such as transgender, the gender spectrum, and gender non-binary might feel confusing or frustrating to you, alienating, foreign, scary, weird, off-putting, uncomfortable. You might feel defensive about making mistakes regarding one’s gender identity because it’s a hot topic, and you feel like you’re trying to be respectful, but you just don’t fully understand it. Your feelings are valid! You are entitled to be shocked and bewildered by novel concepts. We, as humans, fear the unknown; it’s in our DNA. New ideas are scary. Change is freaking hard. 

So let’s all feel validated in our emotional reaction. But we must recognize that those feelings are on us. They are our responsibility to work through, and we shouldn’t expect LGBTQ folks to fix it for us or make it less confusing. And we definitely must not discriminate against them or treat them differently from anyone else just because we don’t understand their circumstances. We cannot let our confused (and for some, even hate-filled) emotional response further disrupt the treacherous road for transgender people by spreading hate, misinformation, phobias, and bigotry. We are each responsible for doing the necessary work to better understand this marginalized group. 

Let me be clear - I’m not placing blame on any one individual. I’m not here to “out” you or shame you for your beliefs if you’ve had any negative or judgmental thoughts about transgender folks. But I absolutely do think it is every cisgender person’s responsibility to help right the wrong that our society has done to transgender people. And that’s the whole point of why I’m writing about this. I want to appeal to your sense that loving your neighbor makes the world a better place, even if your neighbor is completely different from you. Even if they are transgender. And even if you have never met a transgender person - you probably will at some point, and my goal is to help you accept them, advocate for them, before you even meet.

I implore all of us to respond to our own uninformed perspective with acknowledgment of our lack of information. We’re all so addicted to blasting our staunch opinions nonstop onto social media that we don’t stop and ask ourselves what we know about a topic before expressing our very formed opinion on the matter. We all need to be saying more often: “I don’t have an opinion on that because I don’t really know much about it.” How refreshing would it feel to hear people reserve judgement and admit lack of insight? Furthermore, one’s opinion means absolutely nothing if it is solely driven by emotion. Opinions ought to have a foundation of information and facts. 

Consider this scenario for a moment: You have a toothache. You tell your best friend, who looks in your mouth, and proclaims: “You have a cavity! I’m sure of it.” Do you believe them? If your friend is a dentist, maybe you can count on their expertise to provide an opinion of value. But if your friend isn’t a dentist, then he or she is - they are - merely speaking with an uninformed opinion. Ask yourself: “Do I listen to people who speak with uninformed opinions?” I certainly hope we would all trust a dentist to advise us on our tooth health over a non-dentist best friend. But at least, if we listened to the non-dentist, we wouldn’t be willfully enabling the discrimination of an entire group of people. Unfortunately, trusting our own uninformed opinion on transgender folks is, in fact, doing great harm to other people, and we need to start looking at our own words and actions in this way, especially if you have ever shared something online that could be considered anti-LGBTQ.

Knowledge is power because it is the antidote to fear and ignorance. If our goal is to feel less afraid, less uncomfortable, to change our negative emotion to a positive one, then our response should be to start learning. Learn! Find someone who you can talk to openly about gender issues. Ask questions. Listen. Be respectful. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone directly, then read about it. Read stories about trans people written by trans people. Watch documentaries about LGBTQ teens, told from their perspective and in their words. Learn about families with two dads. Make sure you’re reading the accounts as told by the people themselves and not a cisgender perspective because it might be skewed or have a motive beyond simply sharing a story. Have an open mind to the notion that your current stance on this matter might not be best for humanity. That’s okay because we all have the capacity to evolve and change our minds!

At this point, you might be wondering why a cisgender woman is writing on this topic. Please consider me a bridge - a bridge from a place where transgender seems alien to the point of confusion and even fear, to the other side where you are starting to understand the gender spectrum and ready to start reading and learning from LGBTQ people themselves. I’m just gearing you up for the real deal. One step at a time. Here we go! 

(Stay tuned for Part 2!)

[insomniac-arrest]

I’ve always found it extremely difficult to allow myself to write? I’ve got this thing where it constantly feels like someone is looking at me, staring over my shoulder, judging what I do, and it makes me embarrassed to write or create art. I’m curious if you’ve ever felt something like this? It’s really awful because I absolutely love writing! I’m just limited by this omnipresent judgmental eye...

Hello! This might be a result of a harsh inner critic that has incredibly high expectations and a society that emphasizes being watched (reality TV, social media, the male gaze, idk, God?). We often all feel like we’re being watched in the modern day, that we are never alone and always have to hold ourselves together.

We sit at out keyboards with our parents and our teachers and our friends, we sit with previous versions of ourselves and society itself playing the orchestra music in the background. Writing is a physically solitary experience, but not really a mentally solitary one.

It can be good to let go of this feeling of the “eternal gaze,” but sometimes feeling watched is inevitable, so another good way to deal with it is to alter the way you interact with judgement/assessment. 

When I was younger I used to struggle with a lot of social anxiety, I feared what people thought, what people said, I feared the very idea of existing outside myself in someone’s head space. I reacted to this by dressing outlandishly, having “othering” hobbies, and generally trying to reject other people before they reject me.

As I got older and went to A LOT of therapy I started to face my social anxiety and deal with my fear of others thoughts and judgement. There are quiet a few strategies in order to get over the fear of criticism and enabling yourself to create more, here are just a few:

Don’t be afraid of honesty: something I think a lot people fear is that the act of writing itself hinges on some amount of sharing yourself, and if you don’t like yourself than it can be hard thing to share, it’s exposure, it’s vulnerability. Good writing relies on that amount of honesty with others.

Growing confidence and liking yourself is…. so freaking hard, possibly one of the hardest things, but luckily writing doesn’t require you to do that, all writing requires is to open up and share. Don’t be afraid of sharing your flaws and parts you don’t like, in fact, flaws are what makes compelling writing. You’re afraid of being judged? Write about that, write about your fears, write about that giant eye watching you and how unblinking and rude it is. Write honestly.

Be playful: “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.” ― Pablo Picasso. Have you ever noticed how non-self conscious kids are? It’s honestly something I admire so much about them, they haven’t been weighed down by the walls of modern society yet. This idea of “play” can help with evading that inner critic.

You’re not “creating a masterpiece,” you’re playing, you’re doing make-believe. You’re not “writing the next Hemingway” you’re teasing through an idea and stacking building blocks and having fun. Take the pressure off, approach art the way you did as a child.

People are kind: one of the ways I really tackled my social anxiety and came out of my shell is that I started applying unconditional compassion to myself and others. And what I discovered? Almost everyone is trying their best with the resources given to them. Also, tbh they aren’t thinking about me, like, people are pretty self-obsessed, they don’t… really think about other people that much?

Put yourself in readers shoes, do you judge people when they put out work? Maybe sometimes, but I think most people understand that art is hard and that putting yourself out there is harrowing. People are generally kind, they want to see you succeed, they probably want to support you, and if they don’t? They’re probably thinking about their rent, or their crush, or how their hair looks that day, they probably aren’t thinking about you that much haha

I have a couple sayings or mantras that I repeat to myself when I’m afraid of judgement:

“The moon comes out even when it’s not full”- this means you show up and try your best even when you don’t full “ready” or “good enough,” even if you’re not full, whatever you make may still be beautiful (like a crescent moon).

“I’d rather be alone than not myself”- there’s this social stigma in society about being alone, but honestly? fuck that, there’s no shame in valuing your own company more than others, furthermore, your own company is WAY better than the company of people that treat you poorly or make you contort yourself, if people don’t want to read your writing than it’s their loss. You’ll find your people, don’t worry.

“You can’t hit if you don’t swing,”- this one is a pretty common saying, but it holds true, in the end you have two choices: do or do not. You can get stuck in our own head going round and round in circles forever, but when it comes down to it the action itself is the important part, stop thinking, put on loud music, count in your head, jump up and down in your room for two minutes straight, do anything possible to stop yourself from thinking and do.

And hey, you’re going to mess up sometimes, I write stuff all the time that people don’t read or don’t like, it’s just how it is. BUT remember, creators have a thousand drafts before they have a sale or even a reader, this is all part of the process. You aren’t alone, everyone feels like they’re being judged, but the key is to take a deep breath and try anyway, write anyway, remind yourself that people are often kinder, more generous, and less judgmental than you might assume, that writing is a game that you can play with, and that you don’t need to be great, you just need to be HONEST.

Maybe that Giant Eye is watching you, but you can still hold a middle finger up to it, sit down at your keyboard, and say: “You can’t stop me.”

[csykora]

Generally, do we take Oshie coming back out at the end of the game (or any similar sitch of an athlete returning to the ice after a potentially injury-causing incident) as a good sign (presumably he passed a concussion test so even if he does somehow have one, it's probably not as serious as it could be), a bad sign (there's a good chance he's playing through something that will be/could be made worse by playing through it), or just like a neutral "who knows" non-sign?

It’s a neutral sign about Oshie’s wellbeing, because being cleared to return to play simply isn’t the same as that.

I think it’s a rough sign about us.

Oshie went through the League’s concussion protocol.  The League has pulled out certain symptoms (subjective information that has to be reported by the patient) and signs (objective information that can be seen by the healthcare provider) which it holds to be the most reliable clues. If a player shows some combination of these, they’re sent off the ice to be tested:

Symptoms:

Headache

Dizziness

Balance or coordination difficulties

Nausea

Amnesia for the circumstances surrounding the injury (i.e., retrograde/anterograde amnesia)

Cognitive slowness

Light/sound sensitivity

Disorientation

Visual disturbance

Tinnitus

Sign “Lying Motionless on the Ice”: A Player lies motionless on the ice or falls to the ice in an unprotected manner (i.e., without stretching out his hands or arms to lessen or minimize his fall).

Sign “Motor Incoordination/Balance Problems”: A Player staggers, struggles to get up or skate properly, appears to lose his balance, trips or falls, or stumbles while getting up, trying to get up, or skating.

Sign “Blank or Vacant Look”: A player has a blank or vacant look.

If you also thought, “But wouldn’t TJ always qualify?” you’re a bit of a dick, but you’re not wrong

Sign “Slow to Get Up” or “Clutches his Head”: A player is slow to get up or clutches his head (including any part of his face) 2 following any of these mechanisms of injury:

a blow to the Player’s head or upper torso from another player’s shoulder;

the Player’s head makes secondary contact with the ice; or,

the Player is punched in the head (including any part of his face) by an ungloved fist during a fight

Exceptions: If a player is Slow to Get Up or Clutches his Head following a mechanism of injury other than the three listed above, removal from play is not mandatory and Club medical staff shall exercise their medical judgment as to whether to remove the Player for an acute evaluation.

That last bit means that the NHL has done some math and determined that those three impacts cause most concussions. They’ve found that fewer concussions come from ‘head makes secondary contact with the boards’ than from ‘contact with the ice’, so they say a player who hit the ice needs to be tested and a player who hit the boards doesn’t. He can still be sent for testing, but the call falls to the trainer, and that’s a problem because we can’t diagnose a concussion by looking at you.

Does Oshie have a concussion? I don’t know. Not ‘I don’t know I’m only friendly bone witch’ like I say when I think somebody sprained their wrist but don’t want to get in trouble, I mean I cannot tell you shit. I cannot see concussions. I can see those signs that often appear with a concussion, but seeing them does not mean my patient for sure has a concussion. If I don’t see them, it doesn’t mean he does not.

We have to assess the damn patient.

The NHL uses it’s own version of the Standardized/Sports Concussion Assessment Tool (SCAT3).

The SCAT3 combines aspects of several concussion tools…into eight components designed to assess concussion symptoms, cognition, and neurological signs. Each of the eight components is scored and recorded The test consists of the Glasgow Coma Scale  [you conscious?], Maddocks score [are you aware you’re a hockey player?], symptom evaluation, cognitive evaluation using SAC [can you solve my puzzles?], neck examination, balance examination, coordination examination, and a follow-up of the SAC delayed recall task.

The SCAT3 is not meant to replace comprehensive neuropsychological testing. It should not be used as a stand-alone method to diagnose concussion, measure recovery, or make decisions about an athlete’s readiness to return to competition after a concussion.”

What you need to know from that is that the SAC is a timed paper-and-pencil quiz that takes 5 to 10 minutes. It’s a pretty reliable indicator. You do it twice in the SCAT. 

When the SCAT was introduced Dr. Ruben Echemendia, chair of the NHL’s Concussion Working Group, denied that players have to be in the quiet room for a minimum of 15 minutes. “The 15 minutes that has been talked about in the media is a fallacy….It really is the amount of time that’s necessary to conduct a thorough evaluation.” x That’s interesting.

Oshie left the ice with 16 and a half minutes left in the 3rd. He returned with 3 and a bit to go. It is physically impossible that he completed just one of the eight parts of the NHL’s own tool properly.

Using just one tool may give you almost 50% error, compared to 80-100% accuracy when you use the SCAT and other tools to get a more complete picture. Reasonable medical care for concussions does exist, this just…isn’t it.

I’m not saying a word about the medical staff. I’m saying that this system means being cleared to play has as much to do with your concussion status as a coin flip. 

Kariya shows character in Game 6

Jun 8, 2003

Sherry Skalko

ANAHEIM, Calif. – Paul Kariya wasn’t going to stay down.

It was Game 6 of the Stanley Cup finals and there was more work to do.

At 6:26 of the second period Saturday night with the Mighty Ducks leading the Devils 3-1, Kariya joined the list of players who have fallen victim to a Scott Stevens check. An instant after dishing the puck off to his left before the Devils’ blueline, Kariya, with his head down, turned to his right – full-speed, face-first into the white No. 4 on the New Jersey captain’s shoulder.

Kariya fell to the ice and lay motionless. The capacity crowd that he had whipped into a frenzy with two assists in the first period fell silent.

…

So at the most crucial of moments, with his young Mighty Ducks facing elimination in the playoffs for the first time, Kariya got up. And less than four minutes later, he made a surprising return. 

Later in the period, it was Kariya who provided the nicest lift of all by beating Martin Brodeur high glove side with a slapshot off the left wing at 17:15.

“He was able to come back, and that really inspired every player in our room,” Ducks veteran winger Steve Thomas said.

“I was impressed with that,” coach Mike Babcock said. “It was impressive for him. When you’re stretched and people are calling you out, you get a chance to respond. When you respond, that’s the best feeling. That’s why they pay you the money.”

They pay him the money because they know what other people don’t.

“That’s just a sign of leadership, right there, to come back after that and score that goal,” Rucchin said. “I expect the same from him in Game 7.”

Because Paul Kariya won’t stay down.

Paul Kariya can’t remember that goal. 

He had anterograde amnesia: like we talked about with Kempný this season, his brain couldn’t record any new information. His muscle memory was out there, and it did okay without the rest of him, because you truly don’t need judgement or personality to be a hockey player. 

Seeing TJ return to the ice last night and score was the nightmare scenario. It’s what we can’t seem to get away from. We keep cheering when they go back on the ice. We keep saying see? He’s okay! 

And that’s pretty damn awkward fifteen years later. 

I don’t think Oshie has a concussion. I don’t know! We don’t. We cheered anyway.

I’ve been trying to get this, reading posts praising what Oshie did. Because I know you all want him to be well. And you want him to get a victory. We want the story to end with the good guy safe and sound and still good at hockey. It feels right. 

But a player being well and being good at hockey are not the same thing. Sometimes wanting him to be well means acknowledging that he can’t do this right now, because doing this is hurting him.

Dessy, A. M., Yuk, F. J., Maniya, A. Y., Gometz, A., Rasouli, J. J., Lovell, M. R., & Choudhri, T. F. (2017). Review of Assessment Scales for Diagnosing and Monitoring Sports-related Concussion. Cureus, 9(12), e1922.  

Resch JE, Brown CN, Schmidt J, et alThe sensitivity and specificity of clinical measures of sport concussion: three tests are better than oneBMJ Open Sport & Exercise Medicine 2016

[karenfordonte]

Please love everyone

please deserve heaven all real love hugest to stay safe from almost all knowing except for boring stuff gods judgment etc thanks i love everyone and everyone who did me wrong so much i love all thanks to me if you evil you just seriously confused in your life so yeah be wise be good

well out of those 5 laxatives i only went a tiny bit each time  my stomach hurt this morning but doesnt anymore right now just nausea when i woke up earlier today threw up a tiny bit but went back to sleep then it was just stomach cramps theres no poop close to the whole instead it looked like a tiny bit of mucus thats it i need that probiotic yogurt ima try to instead of smoke shop monday with adrianna ima go to staters and also ima get my hair cut that day too im happy for that lol

ive been loving all in  focus it is very easy as always lol no one bothers me anymore and evil people that dont know real love = they missing out man thats what makes life the best ever

update: i pooped today pretty good lol not a ton  but yeah its moving better and my left boob still leaks at times and i ate a lot today they had fillipino spaghetti made perfect the sweet kind of course and they had hawaiian food that was really bomb i ate so much today lol im happy so i pooped 8 times since i got to this new house the smaller bits add up too its a ton of progress because i used to be 3 weeks - 3 months without going lol at christas

like evil people arent worth dwelling on because life focusing on real love way too best to miss out on enjoy your lives

my new life is way too much fun man lmfao

my soul sex no hands hint lol 

it increased here so much and still man

riri is my only real twin flame the other elantes = extensions of her self = like alt selves = our cousins lol

and minus the highest and higher selves next in charge of heaven  is me and her

highest and higher selves know more juicy info than we do but

the all white chart rules over all lmfao but i include skyst and skisst and then me and riri as our owning  of heaven

thats the real origin heaven creation group lol aka the rest are our god kids lol but chaos guy is a tool lol

order > chaos no worries at all at this point

be thankful for your momma skisst she made yall things like bananas

our kids say/do the darnest things at times lol 

omg i swear mochi just ran in here and moved my bag on the floor lmfao that was crazy to see i think god means they can just steal her for me later lol

omg i swear mochi just ran in here and moved my bag on the floor lmfao

that was crazy to see i think god means they can just steal her for me later lol

she was supposed to be a heaven collectible to ward off evil as in 'scare' 'little evil kids' to change to be good instead lmfao

cause in heaven merged with earth = sun + moon = planet soon lol the next soul batches =

cant shapeshift till real love is known enough still =

they'll stay chibi sized for the reasons of even though they evil the little sizes make them easier to love and less threat in appearence than adults in the closet

but if not changed by judgement day and they keep choosing the unevolved satan  as their daddy thats unchangeable when it comes to being 100 percent evil only

they'll be adults cause we not into kids getting hurt

if anyone makes it to that boss battle like whos evilest

the evil ones compete like that but that boss battle they gonna change in record speed

thats a warning btw

use my story to change all fastest as possible etc and righteous ones in numbers so huge growin infinitly why get left out of all the real blessings? like real love with your true loves

the evil ones that change = thats fate yes but basically yall just wasting youre time

like heaven people know for a fact the heart compass when follwed is best smartest wisest ever possible strategies at best timings to help get/give best blessings at best timing divine timing like best possible strategies to change evil ones lol

in non evil ways duh

everyone thinks differently all is unique some need different experiences than others to change the heart path crafts it all perfectly lol

even though this batch has earth history for heaven dvds already made some probably lol once the evil ones change they will teach the rest of the batches so well too

we needed those cause its faster for all to change if they have those types of free will abusers change then teach like "oh yeah defiantly dont do ever do what i did it was the hugest mistakes of my life and i'll never do that again ....etc"

see? more believable than without those people huh

i feel like a have a drunk buzz without drinking lol i sent my room mates to the store to get me 2 mickeys tall cans lol they not even back yet lol reminds me of emma but she used to drink those huge glass bottles of it lmfao

like some real mom strategies for certain people = "oh ok you dont want your real momma on your side ok fine"  what god 'kid' wouldnt want their heavenly moms on their side? 

some just need certain things to change at best times = heart path knows

today i ate a late breakfast bowl of spaghetti and 3 slices of dill pickle and a brownie later i ate a late lunch of 2 bowls of the ponset looking long rice noodles with kalua pig and veggies and a banana and now a cookie lol 🙂 im starving again lol and i just ate that late lunch i eat way more here lol then later i drank one mickeys and then  i ate hot cheetos , and 3 more cookies lol  ps my anus is pooping on its own now lol

still editing rough draft:

oops lol https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSmTQc-JJellX7d7xOytyLg/featured

Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11G9j9utRCs Dumb YOUTUBE.COM Dumb Dumb

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkcJEvMcnEg "Nevermind" version… See more Nirvana - Lithium (Official Music Video) YOUTUBE.COM Nirvana - Lithium (Official Music Video) Nirvana - Lithium (Official Music Video)

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon Depends what i mean by crack lol wink love you dracula xaara ❤ baby

Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fWnZFSi-ak yup but not a humpty dumpty style muggle lol im safe lol guy yells you are on crack to Kurt Cobain YOUTUBE.COM guy yells you are on crack to Kurt Cobain guy yells you are on crack to Kurt Cobain

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon and not evil not into evil

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon ps this shit works really fast for stains i just grabbed a random one and im glad it was this one cause days later i read removes 5x the stains for extra powerful lol cause my teeth used to look really darker yellow now theyre almost white all the way lol i just used it 8 times so far lol

Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon rihanna and fenty sounds like vampire names without vampire vibes even on those words lol

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon and robyn is funny cause of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_W_xLWtNa0 Shy Ronnie 2: Ronnie & Clyde (feat. Rihanna) YOUTUBE.COM Shy Ronnie 2: Ronnie & Clyde (feat. Rihanna) Shy Ronnie 2: Ronnie & Clyde (feat. Rihanna)

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Karen Kawehilani Kwai-Lin Soon ima cuddle her in soul while holding my blankey and take my time with her before i sleep lol tomorrow i get my hair cut 🙂 Reply 12h

[misssophiachase]

So I officially suck at AU Week and timelines (this I’m reminded of EVERY time this event comes along). This was supposed to be a day 3 update for sci-fi but now it’s just another chapter update. If you’re still reading I hope you like it.  Thanks to the awesomely brilliant Nicole @romanoffsbite for the beautiful cover. 

Synopsis: Caroline Forbes takes a post-graduation camping trip in the mountains with her friends only to return to nothing and no one. Can she find out what's happened, especially with arrogant Klaus Mikaelson along for the journey? You can read from the beginning HERE.

Chapter 4: Fader

Her high pitched squeal was enough to render him practically deaf but Elijah didn’t really notice until Katherine’s lithe body was firmly nestled in his arms. 

If he was being honest it didn’t feel entirely foreign but unfortunately they had so much more to worry about. The fact her house was bathed in darkness and there was no sign of human life was just another reason to believe the worst.

“Any reason why you jumped into my arms?”

“It was dark and I thought I felt something?”

“Me, perhaps?”

“Well, what do you expect it’s pitch black in here,” she complained, freeing herself and straightening her denim mini shorts that had managed to ride up further in the process.  “You know it wouldn’t hurt if you could be a little less judgmental..”

“Judgemental?”

“And robotic...”

“Robotic?” He huffed. “We are in the middle of a crisis but you’re too busy trying to type cast me and by the way you are way off the mark, Miss Pierce.”

“Sorry,” she conceded. Even in the darkness he could make out her downward gaze. “Call me stupid but I spent the whole time travelling here telling myself they were going to be okay.”

“It’s not stupid,” he murmured sincerely. “I did the same thing earlier to be honest. But there has to be some explanation to all of this, people don’t just disappear so suddenly. Our parents can’t just disappear.”

“But they have, Elijah.”

“There must be some explanation,” he repeated desperately. 

“I spent so much time rebelling against my parents which is why they sent me away,” Katherine admitted sadly. “I guess I didn’t really appreciate them and now I’ll probably never see them again to say I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” Elijah ordered, his hands finding their way to her shoulders in the darkness. “They’ll be fine; everyone will be fine. We just need to find out what happened and then we can fix this.”

“How can you be so calm during a crisis?” Before he could respond she continued. “Let me guess, it’s all that Tai Chi you practice?”

“That and having to grow up in the Mikaelson household. It was either fight with stubborn, know-it-all idiots or relish in the peace and quiet whilst always knowing I was actually right.”    

“Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like such a bad choice,” she smiled knowingly. “So, what exactly happens next?” Klaus couldn’t miss the hope reflected in her brown eyes and was suddenly scared to disappoint this beautiful girl he barely knew. 

“We’ll see what supplies we can collect here and then head to Bonnie’s place, she’s the closest right?” Katherine nodded by way of response. “I’m sure...” 

“Thanks,” she interrupted his hurried spiel, placing her soft hand on top of his briefly. “I’m just glad I didn’t have to walk in here alone, you know given everything that’s happening.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Although it was dark, the feeling of her touch was enough to know he wasn’t alone either and to take some form of much needed comfort on his part.  

xxxx

“I’m not sure why I’m surprised,” Bonnie whimpered. The kitchen was dark as much as it was lifeless and Kol was struggling with what to say to comfort his girlfriend. “I just somehow hoped that…”

“It’s okay.” Kol attempted to offer some form of support but was standing way beyond arms distance.

“How can you say that?”

“Well, the sooner we accept what’s happening, the sooner we can work out the best course of action.”

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sound so incredibly clinical,” Bonnie conceded, the disappointment evident in her tone.

“Well, what do you expect?” He asked incredulously. “My parents are missing too. The whole town has disappeared and we are facing a hidden threat, Bonnie.”

“I get that, I get all of that,” she sobbed. “But just for once I’d really appreciate something much more sympathetic and a lot less cold from my own boyfriend.”  

“It’s difficult,” Kol conceded, his lips pursed.

“I’m just so scared.” He felt his chest constrict, knowing that he’d been so selfish without much of an explanation. He had never been the best person in crisis, that’s what his eldest brother Elijah was for, after all.  

As Kol attempted to encircle her waist in comfort, they noticed a flash light shine into the bay window. He froze thinking the enemy had finally found them and scampered behind the couch to avoid detection. Bonnie was frozen to the spot before finally dropping to the floor in fear.  If he could have played that better he would have. 

“It’s just us!” A familiar voice cried out into the darkness. As much as Kol usually dreaded his older brother’s voice this time he more than welcomed it. 

In the end it wasn’t Kol that unlocked the back door, it was Bonnie. And it wasn’t him that comforted her inside, it was Katherine.  Elijah was regarding him seriously and he wasn’t sure whether he was trying to ascertain what had happened or whether he was disappointed in his little brother. By Bonnie’s subsequent behaviour towards him, Kol knew it was probably the latter.    

xxxxx

“It seems so dead,” Caroline murmured, her eyes glancing over the main street of Storm Lake. Even if it was a small town she was at least used to some activity. “Where is everyone?”

They’d taken brief shelter above, their bodies laying outstretched on the grass in wait. The fact she accidentally rubbed up against his left leg every now and again and sharing the warmth wasn’t completely lost on Klaus. 

“Too dead,” Klaus murmured suspiciously, his blue eyes taking in the view from the hill they were using as a vantage point to spy.

“We need supplies, Klaus, otherwise...”

“I know,” he replied gruffly. “But walking into town might be a death trap. I wouldn’t want to put you in that position.”

“You’re scared?” She asked, her gaze unflinching even in the brief morning light as the sun began to rise slowly from the east. 

“Is that your way of trying to prove I am the wuss you always imagined me to be, Forbes?” 

“Sounds like someone has a complex,” she uttered, unapologetically. Klaus was beginning to realise that Caroline had a problem with being too honest. But so did he and given their possible dire circumstances it wasn’t completely unwelcome at this point.

“What can I say? You always had this way of making me feel a little intimidated.”

“And what exactly did I do?” 

“Student body president, debate captain, cheer captain, tennis captain, do I need to go on?”

“I always was an overachiever, from birth, blame my parents,” she replied gruffly. “As bad as it sounds I just wanted to get out of small town Iowa and make something of myself. The way I saw it, extra circulars were my ticket.”

“You hated this place that much?”

“Maybe not as badly as you did,” she shot back. Klaus had to admit she had a point. “You wore that intense hatred like a badge of honour.”

“I was resentful,” Klaus baulked, wondering how their conversation had reached this point, especially given what they were possibly facing. “No one likes being held against their parent’s will.”

“Maybe so,” Caroline agreed. “But last time I checked you were going to RISD.”

“And how did you know that exactly...”

“Everyone was talking about your amazing art portfolio..” Klaus didn’t want to address that given her picture played a big role in that particular decision. In fact it was probably the main reason given the extreme feeling behind it. 

“Last time I heard you were going to North Western, love.” 

“Maybe.” Klaus lowered his head sadly, the undefined word resonating in his own future too given their horrible predicament. They held each others gaze, their hands intertwined tightly in anticipation of what was to come. 

“If you stand in line you won’t get hurt,” an automated voice bellowed via a loud speaker below. It was then a spotlight illuminated main street, highlighting a long line of helpless and scared residents. 

“No, not them too,” Caroline whimpered in response to seeing her family, her head hitting the grass and trying to stifle her sobs. Klaus noticed his parents there too but was too focused on Caroline’s pain to process his initial grief. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Klaus offered, his hand finding his way onto the small of her back and rubbing it slowly. She cried and he continued to apply pressure hoping it was providing some form of comfort. It was something his mother had done from when he was a little boy and if he could do the same he would. 

Her whimpers seemed to steady eventually with every stroke. Klaus had fantasised about her for months but suddenly all he wanted to do was hold her tight, tell her everything was going to be okay and never let her go.  

“I’m sorry,” Caroline offered, swiping at the stray tears and facing him. 

“Me too,” he offered shakily, his hand moving swiftly away from her bare skin even though every fibre in his being was willing it to stay longer.  

“I’ve had enough of being a victim,”

“Funnily enough, me too,” he growled, trying to rid the image of his parents captured helplessly from memory. 

“Let’s go make ourselves known,” she replied confidently, her tears and grief practically non-existent now. 

“Show them who runs this town you mean?”

“If I knew you’d better I’d say you were declaring war, Klaus Mikaelson,” she offered. 

“Correction, we’re declaring war, love,” Klaus confirmed, grasping her hand and moving in step towards main street. There was no way in hell they were getting away with taking over their town. They had too much to live for after all. 

On FF HERE

[billazin710]

Happy Easter Everyone! | Cannabis to see the savior.

Meet the Savior

I had an radically amazing experience last nite and I feel compelled to tell you all about it. So, here goes. How you ask? A 3-4 hour Cannabis and yoga session. I am maybe a novice at yoga at best, however stretching and learning from this sacred plant was very intense this night. The long and short of this session was that IT WAS THE COOLEST EXPERIENCE.

Preparation

So, I had a little whole plant resin and maybe a puff or 2 of a real nice hybrid flower of some sorts. Definitely high sativa, but non-the-less I digress.  I set my intention before consuming. Before my ceremony, I had cut all the power, lights, radio and so on. Lit a candle or two and spent maybe 3-4 hours rotating thankfulness worship, stretch and yoga and thats when the show began! I let the plant take me, and it released fears, judgments, and my worst habit of self-judgments. 

Intention

I don't know many of the names of poses and will NEVER have a man-bun and I am definitely a capitalist and from what i can tell Jesus and Mary are also. So, my intention was pretty broad, I really wanted to find answers, freedom and most of all insight and wisdom. This picture is pretty dang close to what was very clearly the face of Jesus. But, how it started was super interesting.

Cannabis as a teacher

I think when you set intention before consuming cannabis, that it will allow the user to have a much more profound experience rather than  just getting high. What is "getting high" anyway right? To me, the experience is elevating the user to a higher vibration or dimension while in the elevated state in order to see what is your best-self. Of course we know her as a healer, and she does this with your intention. But, there is much, much more we have yet to discover. 

Yoga - Stretching

I know a bit of yoga poses, this ain't my first rodeo, however, by quieting the mind and listening to yourself opens the doors. As I let the plant kinda take control, it made me twist and do things that would not occur to me unless a very beautiful yoga instructor was in charge :) I've gone to some classes, and I pick things up here and there, but cannabis has been the coolest teacher I've met so far. Somehow, intuitively the plant seems to lead the show. Fascinating stuff, you should try this if called.

Poses

Like I said; I don't know the names, but certain poses seem to have "door opening" effects. I am a huge fan of child's pose to start. I look at this as a humble gratitude suggestion offering to the higher-self. Down-ward facing dog and upward facing dog really started the geodesic tunnels and spheres and thats when the crew arrived.

Geodesic Tunnels & Spheres

Well, if you have had an ayahuasca ceremony this is nothing new, in fact by comparison this much less-intense, however very prevalent and unmistakable. At first, Im questioning, is this really happening? And after I released the judgement the undefinable geodesic tunnels formed into a human head, then morphed as a variety of faces came out and the last defined clearly as Jesus. After this he turned into the sacred mother who clearly waved her hand in the blessing. Then forms dissolved back into the tunnels, which seemed to change color and came with lots of variety.

Expectations

I definitely had no expectations other than stress relief, a good workout, and to find answers, but thats pretty normal for me. These next-level visuals was a definite surprise filled with enchantment and comfort. Those who grew up in Sunday school and church may have missed the connection between the stories and reality. To find this connection is nothing short of a soothing tie between the two, and was absolutely awesome!  Seeing is believing, and its just that, a connection behind the myths, stories and speculation. What traditional church goers may visually miss was portrayed in the art, but when you have an encounter it can be a very profound experience.   I hope you enjoyed my experience, and if your consuming cannabis, give yoga-stretching a whirl. Happy Easter Everyone! - Bill Azin Read the full article

[wild-springflower]

Medicated

So I wrote a thing. And it’s not great, but I am processing some stuff that’s happening in my life and one of the ways I do that is by projecting my problems onto characters! Enter this waaay too long blurb about Jake and Amy right after their first night together. :/ 

Amy awoke slowly, with the incessant throbbing of her brain. She and Jake had ended up drinking way more than was responsible the previous night.

Wait. Her and Jake. Amy glanced cautiously to her left and saw Jake lying next to her. They were both on their backs, and as the reality of the situation began to sink in she turned her gaze back to the ceiling.

“So, we broke out rule.” Jake stated matter-of-factly.

“Yeah. I hope it wasn’t a mistake.”

“I hope it wasn’t a mistake; title of your sex tape.” Jake shot back immediately before he gasped excitedly, “Title of our sex tape!”

Amy rolled her eyes but couldn’t fully contain her smile, “Shut up.” She playfully smacked at his arm.

Jake smile broadly at her before he began to move. “I’m gonna, just real quick,” He tried to untangle himself from the blankets without pulling them off her, more or less successfully, then paused, glancing about the floor. “Um I’ve gotta, pants.”

“Oh!” Amy nodded in understanding, averting her gaze. ‘We just slept together, how can this be awkward?’ She wondered to herself as Jake struggled into a pair of shorts.

But awkward it was. After Jake was out of the room Amy began rifling through the clothes strewn about, holding the blanket firmly around her body. She didn’t want to try and put on her dress from the night before; it was flattering but not the comfiest article of clothing. Unfortunately, their little endeavor hadn’t exactly been planned, so she had nothing else to wear.

As if able to read her mind, Jake sauntered into the room brushing his teeth and gestured to the dresser. “Shirts in the middle drawer, baggy shorts in the bottom. Help yourself.” He said around a mouthful of toothpaste.

Amy nodded, watching in affection as Jake headed back to the bathroom. She grabbed the first t-shirt she found in the drawer; an old academy shirt. It was faded and soft, and when she inhaled it smelled just like Jake.

As she bent to pull a pair of shorts out, her headache once again made itself known. It felt like someone was banging a bass drum inside her skull.

Jake must have come back in while she was distracted because his satisfied exclamation nearly gave her a heart attack. “Don’t do that!” She cried, whirling in his direction with a look of anger and fright.

“Sorry.” Jake responded in a way that neither convinced her he was sorry or reassured her that he wouldn’t try it ever again. “I was just super turned on by how sexy you look in my baggy clothes.”

“Oh.” Amy paused, caught between expressing her anger over being startled or happiness at being complemented. She settled on a subdued “thank you.” Simultaneously expressing her unamusement and gratitude.

“You can head to the bathroom if you’d like. I have an extra toothbrush in there.”

Amy smiled and headed down the hall when Jake’s voice called her back.

“Actually no, I knocked my extra toothbrush into the toilet a while ago.”

“So when’s the last time you switched brushes?” Amy demanded.

Jake smiled awkwardly, speaking through his teeth, “I don’t know.”

Amy suppressed a shudder, “You know what, it’s alright. I keep a spare in my purse.”

Jake paused and blinked, “Why?”

“You never know when you could run into a dental hygiene emergency.” Amy responded seriously.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, otherwise you’d just be weird.”

“You’d like me weird.”

Jake took a step closer, eyes sparkling. “I like you anyway.” His tone was challenging.

Amy closed the distance between them, “Oh yeah?” She began, but blushed as Jake very obviously hid a cringe. She backed away immediately, “Morning breath.” She said apologetically. “I should brush my teeth.”

“Yep.” Jake forced out, exhaling slowly.

“Sorry. I’m just going to-” Amy gestured over her shoulder before grabbing her entire purse and retreating down the hallway.

Amy’s face was a deep red by the time she reached the small bathroom. She dropped her purse on the closed toilet seat and leaned against the counter.

“How can it be this awkward?” She wondered to herself, staring at her reflection in disbelieving judgement.

Her throbbing head certainly wasn’t helping anything. A thought suddenly occurred to her, “Medicine cabinet. There should be pain meds in here.”

Amy opened one of the mirrored panels and glanced over the contents of the small cabinet. There wasn’t much to sort through, but in the bottom corner there were a couple pill bottles.

“Jack-pot.” Amy breathed, turning the closest bottle around to read the label.

Her eyes scanned the label, and she had to pause to do another take. She must have read wrong; except her hadn’t. The prescription very clearly read Jacob Peralta, the label displaying the name Paroxetine stared back at her judgmentally.

‘This was a mistake.’ Amy thought to herself, feeling the dread of her discovery rising in her throat. She wasn’t good at keeping secrets, but how was she supposed to bring something like that up to Jake?

“Oh, Ames!” She heard Jake call, listened as his feet padded down the hallway.

Her body wasn’t responding, she wouldn’t be able to put the bottle back fast enough to not be caught.

“Don’t use the hot water on the sink because-” Jake’s voice faded as his eyes took in the scene before him. His entire face seemed to fall, “I should’ve guessed.” He muttered under his breath, turning without even a glance back at her and stalking towards the bedroom.

Amy stood for a moment longer before her body snapped into action. “Jake!” She called, slamming the medicine cabinet closed and dashing out of the bathroom after him. “Jake, it’s not what you think.”

“Well maybe explain to me what it was. Because it certainly looked like you were snooping.”

Amy stuttered; she’d never really heard Jake actually mad before. Sure, he acted offended or angry all the time, but it was always that; an act. It was a gimmick, something to make people smile or roll their eyes. He was always trying to make other people happy.

Suddenly things fell into solidly into place. ‘Idiot.’ Amy thought to herself.

“And the thing is, I don’t mind sharing, I really don’t. But you didn’t even ask!”

“Jake!” Amy interrupted, “I wasn’t snooping, I promise. I was actually looking for Tylenol or something.”

Jake paused, blinking in confusion. “Oh.” The bedroom lapsed into an awkward silence before Jake sighed heavily, “I have some over here I think.”

He crossed the room and began to rifle through some boxes.

“Jake it’s fine, I don’t need it right now.”

Jake paused in his search, looking a little lost. “Oh, okay.”

“And I’m really sorry about how that must have looked. I probably would have come to the same conclusion you did.” Amy paused, sitting down on the unmade bed. “Don’t feel pressured or anything, but I’m here if you wanna talk.”

Jake sighed, looking uncertain, before he nodded and sat down next to her. “You have questions?”

“Only if you’re comfortable sharing answers.” Amy reassured.

With a nod Jake began, “I’ve been taking medication since I was about twenty-three for depression.”

Amy nodded, doing her best to express nothing but understanding and acceptance. “Who all knows?”

Jake paused, released a long breath through his mouth. “Not many people at all. Holt, because he was to. It is in my file, so probably Serge.” He finished with a non-committal shrug.

As he trailed off into silence Amy couldn’t help but blink in surprise. “Not your mom?”

“Oh god no. You kidding? She would just keep questioning what she did wrong, doubt any choices she ever made. I can’t do that to her.”

Amy nodded in sympathetic understanding, “So how are you?”

“Eh, you know. Some days are better than others, but mostly I’m good.”

Amy leaned a little closer, her eyes soft, “Well, you know you can come to me, if it’s a worse day.”

“You could not handle the ramblings of my brain on a bad day, trust me.”

“Is that a challenge?”

Jake chuckled with a shake of his head, “More like a promise.”

Amy crossed her arms over her chest, “Your messed-up brain doesn’t know who it’s messing with. I’ll start a binder, with color tabs.”

“Oh no, not the color tabs!” Jake exaggerated, throwing both hands in the air in a surrender.

“Hey, don’t make fun of my color tabs.” Amy shot back seriously.

Jake laughed again before he sobered, looking at Amy seriously. “Sorry I was kind of a freak earlier.”

“Oh, Jake,” Amy began softly, “You’re always a freak.”

Both detectives laughed loudly before Jake cringed and Amy flushed red once again. “I still haven’t brushed my teeth.” She stated with a wide-eyed look.

“Nope.” Jake agreed.

“Okay.” Amy whispered to herself, sliding off the bed with her eyes glued to the floor. She didn’t turn around once as she made a bee-line for the bathroom.

Jake felt a lopsided grin fall into place on his lips. He felt bad that he had just assumed Amy had been snooping in his apartment, but all in all he was happy with the way the scenario had turned out. Now more than ever he felt like he could actually handle the bad days, not just bury them under loads of work and immature humor.

It certainly would be a work in progress; he wasn’t the greatest at talking to people, especially about personal problems, but he found he wanted to get to better. He wanted to work harder, be happier, for Amy. And he honestly believed that with her, he’d be able to.

[ebenpink]

Detoxes, Cleanses, and 30-Day Challenges: How to turn a quick-fix diet into transformation gold. https://ift.tt/2UoUpVU

“Get rock hard abs in 30 days!” “Drop a dress size in three weeks!” “Detox your body with juice!” As a coach, you know these promises often fall short. So what do you do when a client wants a quick fix? In this article, we’ll show you five strategies to turn your client’s short-term diet into lasting results. 

++++

“A friend of mine just lost 25 pounds on a 30-day diet challenge. I’m going to try it!”

Sharon was by no means my first client to gleefully skip into a training session and announce she’d found a quick-fix solution.

I understood her excitement. After all, who wouldn’t want such fast results?

But I felt concerned for Sharon. I’ve seen lots of these “overnight” diet challenges and any changes are usually short-lived.

It’s painful to watch clients go through this predictable cycle (see below).

They often wind up right where they started, if not worse off. So as coaches, isn’t our job to put an end to 7-day detoxes, 14-day juice cleanses, and 21-day metabolism makeovers?

Maybe not.

Though every instinct might tell you to coach that “quick fix” mentality right out of your client, there’s a better way.

The best coaches can turn even the worst diet ideas into long-term success.

How? By being open, creative, and strategic.

In this article, we’ll show you five ways to transform your clients’ enthusiasm for diet and fitness “challenges” into rocket fuel for sustainable change.

Strategy #1: Celebrate their effort.

“I see a lot of people wanting to do the Whole30 or a juice cleanse or go sugar- or alcohol-free for a month,” says Jennifer Broxterman, R.D., a Precision Nutrition Certified Coach in London, Ontario.

And while these types of challenges have high failure rates, says Broxterman, don’t discourage them: “That’s a judgmental approach, and it creates a ‘me versus you’ mentality, which isn’t very good for building rapport.”

Instead, focus on the positives… even if it requires you to take a nice, deep breath first.

For example: “A challenge can be really useful if it gets your client excited about eating healthy and feeling good about the food choices in their cupboard,” says Broxterman.

It also shows they’re willing to make changes.

And with your help, clients can gain valuable insights that’ll help them achieve better results moving forward.

By supporting their efforts—instead of shutting them down—you’ll foster trust with your client and strengthen your coaching relationship. 

For a three-step process to help you reframe your coaching perspective and respect your clients’ goals, check out this PN coaching worksheet: Meet your clients where they’re at.

Strategy #2: Learn what drives them.

Your client’s challenge offers you a great opportunity: To better understand their health and fitness goals, their frustrations, and what really makes them tick, says Broxterman.

With non-judgemental curiosity, ask:

“How have diet challenges worked for you in the past?” 

This not only gives you background, it can also better set your client’s expectations (without you having to do so).

“Sometimes, they start telling you how they lost some weight, but not as much as they hoped, and that they gained it back right after,” says Broxterman.

Next, you might ask (in order):

“Why do you want to do this challenge?”

“What do you hope to get out of it?”

“Why is that important to you?”

“And why is that important to you?”

The goal is to understand your client’s pain points and true motivation.

That way, you’ll be better equipped to help them—not just during the challenge, but after it’s over, too.

What’s more, these questions might help your client discover a deeper purpose for change. One they weren’t even aware of. This can lead to much greater success, in the short-term… and the long-term.

To help your clients dig deep and find their real reasons for wanting to change, use our “5 whys” worksheet.

Strategy #3: Create a plan.

With any short-term challenge, your client is likely to make a lot of changes—all at once.

And in most cases, those changes aren’t meant to last. After all, people don’t go into a “cleanse” expecting to drink only juice for the rest of their lives.

This is where you, the coach, can really shine.

Help your client identify healthy habits that complement and intersect with the challenge they’re doing. 

That way, you can bridge the gap between the “challenge” and the rest of their life. The idea: to not only improve their likelihood of success during the challenge—but also in days, weeks, and months to follow.

Keep these habits small, simple, and behavior-focused. (Read: “Lose 10 pounds” is an outcome, not a behavior.)

Let’s say your client is committed to only eating whole foods for 30 days. A good habit to practice might be packing their lunch and afternoon snack every morning, to help ensure they stay on track.

Or perhaps they’re attempting a “no dessert” challenge. In this case, you might suggest they practice eating slowly and mindfully, and/or eat lean protein at each meal, both of which can help them feel more satisfied after eating.

And what about a 14-day juice cleanse? That’s a tougher one, to be sure. So get creative. You might suggest they:

Plan a social activity once or twice a week that isn’t centered around food and drink. (This is a highly underrated strategy for helping people adjust to a healthy eating lifestyle.)

Take 15 minutes each day to walk, foam roll, or stretch. A juice cleanse is not the time to start exercising intensely, but it can be used to establish a baseline daily movement habit.

Consciously recognize the feelings that come up when they’re hungry. It can even help to write them down. (Are they sad? Bored? Tired? See more ideas here.) Plus, they can learn to “sit with it,” too. Hunger is inevitable on a juice cleanse, which means it’s the perfect time to learn that “hunger is not an emergency.”

Ideally, by the end of the challenge, these habits are so ingrained it feels natural to continue them.

Bonus: If you and your client brainstorm more practices than can fit into the challenge timeframe, you have a built-in roadmap for what to work on once the challenge is over.

Use our “Outcome goals into behavior goals” worksheet to collaborate with your client on habits that will help get them closer to their targets. 

Strategy #4: Turn “failures” into feedback.

Imagine your client signs up for a Dunkin Do-Not Challenge (a.k.a. thirty days without donuts).

But just four days in, they come to you, shamefully admitting they had a Boston cream breakdown in the office breakroom.

Broxterman recommends using a three-pronged coaching approach: curiosity, compassion, and radical honesty.

Curiosity: Talk to your client about what led to their decision to eat the donut. For example, maybe they worked late the night before and skipped breakfast or didn’t prepare their lunch.

Compassion: Emphasize that they shouldn’t beat themselves up. Encourage them to treat themselves the same way they’d treat a friend or loved one in a similar situation.

Radical honesty: Give your client a chance to be completely upfront about what was going on when the “failure” happened. Maybe they were feeling:

a little stressed at the time

deprived of the foods they love

a bit like they “deserved” a treat

Now show them the upside: Perhaps the donut “failure” provides feedback about the importance of meal prepping lunches. That way, they don’t end up making less-than-optimal food choices.

It may also hint that completely eliminating food—especially ones they love—isn’t the best approach.

By reframing your client’s “failure” into a learning experience, you’ll prep them for future success (and minimize their guilt). 

Here’s another example: Suppose your client is trying to avoid sugar for 30 days, but they’re really struggling. Help them identify their roadblocks.

For instance, perhaps their partner keeps stocking the kitchen with cookies and ice cream. This crystallizes two frequent problems: Their environment is full of tempting foods, and their partner is showing a lack of support.

Together, brainstorm what might they do to improve their environment and/or strengthen their support system. This is how you coach them through obstacles, and keep the momentum going long after the challenge ends.

For a hands-on way to teach clients what it means to be resilient, sit down together and fill out this worksheet on “turning failure into feedback.”

Strategy #5: Explore their results

When a client completes a challenge, it’s likely they’ll have some positive outcomes. Maybe they lose a few pounds, stop craving sweets so much, or are sleeping better.

Naturally, they’ll want to maintain these results. But that rarely happens.

People tend to gravitate toward short-term diets is because it’s hard to fathom changing their eating and lifestyle habits for good. For a few weeks, though? That sounds doable. 

Here’s the problem: This line of thinking encourages all-or-nothing-ism. You’re either doing the most you possibly can to be healthy (an extreme diet challenge), or you’re doing nothing at all (back to your old ways).

But based on working with over 100,000 clients, we can confidently say this: The middle ground is usually where the magic happens.

Your client doesn’t have to keep all the habits they practiced during the challenge—just the ones that worked for them. 

Find out what those are, and discuss how they might continue them. Even if it’s not all the time.

For example, maybe they’ve discovered they really do feel better when they don’t drink alcohol every night but miss having drinks with their partner.

The middle ground might be limiting their alcohol intake to just one or two nights a week.

Or perhaps they love getting to the gym more frequently, but they don’t find cooking all their own meals practical.

The middle ground: They keep their gym habit, but only prepare dinner three or four days a week, which they feel confident they can do.

Here at Precision Nutrition, we call this “always something”—and use it to effectively combat all-or-nothing-ism. 

If practicing a habit at every daily meal is too much, how about at two meals? Or even one? Find out what feels doable for your client, and start there.

Instead of following through 100 percent of the time, what about 80 percent? Or 60 percent? We’ve even found that people can make real progress by being consistent just 50 percent of the time (or less).

Bottom line: Just because your client went all-in on the challenge, doesn’t mean they have to shut down entirely afterwards. Instead, show them how to “adjust the dial,” and keep benefiting from their positive actions.

Help your clients carry over their challenge changes in a way that’s sustainable, with our worksheet on “finding the middle ground.”

Leave your assumptions at the door.

The desire to embark on short-term diets, challenges, or cleanses isn’t going away anytime soon. Are they the best way to improve health and fitness? Probably not. But that won’t stop your clients from wanting to do them.

Truth is, short-term challenges aren’t useless. They don’t doom folks to failure. But most of the time, people start them with the wrong mindset—and without the right support network in place.

Meet your challenge-curious clients with compassion instead of judgement, and you might just be able to use their “summer body slim down” as a launchpad for meaningful change.

Not just for a month… but for a lifetime.

What if you could make a real difference in the lives of others—and never feel confused about nutrition again?

When it comes to better health and fitness, focusing on nutrition is the most important and effective step. But there’s a big problem: Most people don’t feel qualified to coach nutrition, especially in a way that helps clients develop highly-effective and sustainable habits.

That’s where we come in. If you’d like to learn everything you can about nutrition—especially how to use it to help yourself and others—consider the Precision Nutrition Level 1 Certification.  The next group kicks off shortly.

What’s it all about?

The Precision Nutrition Level 1 Certification is the world’s most respected nutrition education program. It gives you the knowledge, systems, and tools you need to feel confident and qualified to coach nutrition with anyone.

Developed over 15 years, and proven with over 100,000 clients, the Precision Nutrition curriculum stands alone as the authority on the science of nutrition and the art of coaching.

Whether you’re already mid-career, or just starting out, the PN Level 1 Certification is your springboard to a deeper understanding of nutrition, the authority to coach it, and the ability to turn what you know into results—for yourself and your clients.

[Of course, if you’re already a student or graduate of the Level 1 Certification, check out our Level 2 Certification Master Class. It’s an exclusive, year-long mentorship designed for elite professionals looking to master the art of coaching and be part of the top 1% of health and fitness coaches in the world.]

Interested? Add your name to the presale list. You’ll save up to 44% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’re opening spots in the brand-new Precision Nutrition Level 1 Certification on Wednesday, October 2nd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following presale list, which gives you two advantages.

Lock in your one-time special discount—and save up to 44%. We like to reward people who are eager to boost their credentials and are ready to commit to getting the education they need. So we’re offering a discount of up to 44% off the general price when you sign up for the presale list. Remember: After October, you’ll never see this price again.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the certification program twice per year. Due to high demand, spots in the program are limited and have historically sold out in hours. But when you sign up for the presale list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready for a deeper understanding of nutrition, the authority to coach it, and the ability to turn what you know into results… this is your chance to see what the world’s top professional nutrition coaching system can do for you.

The post Detoxes, Cleanses, and 30-Day Challenges: How to turn a quick-fix diet into transformation gold. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

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[sugirandom]

365 days of writing: day 33

Day 33: Confidence

               I actually have today off but I’m still making this entry relatively early because my best bro has plans to come over after he eats breakfast. The problem is depending on what time he wakes up his idea of breakfast could be much later than mine. I also cannot assume that however because if his mom wants to drop him off before she goes to work then he’d be coming over much earlier than expected. So I’m doing this early regardless just in case he happens to come over early and if not it’s not a huge deal. I’ll just hang out and relax until he gets here.

               Anyway, not quite sure what I’m going to talk about today since it’s still quite early but I am looking forward to getting to relax some since I’m a little sore from lifting boxes of things that need to be shredded at work. Don’t worry I haven’t lifted anything I can’t handle, it’s just normal soreness from repetitive work. The youtubers I watch have gotten less political again so I’m starting to enjoy their videos again. I still can’t really view the news since it’s too upsetting but at least things are getting a little more light-hearted in general. Tomorrow I have to go out shopping for some new pants since my nice black pair were ruined by cleaning liquid from our bathroom sink dripping onto them and leaving a maroon-colored stain.

               I am at this weird place with my haircut where sometimes it really satisfies me and I can be confident to other times where I just get annoyed at it and want to get something really different that will bring out more of my features. I like getting really short haircuts but then at the same time I hate looking at my own acne-filled skin and would rather cover it all up with hair. I’m getting less concerned about looking masculine enough hairstyle-wise but I worry it concerns my parents a little too much. They aren’t really the ones to be deciding though since it’s my hair but I guess I’m used to their judgement since they’ve always been that way, or at least mom has, ever since I was little and I doubt that will ever change. Before I came out as Trans she had this idea of how I was supposed to look and now that I’m out about being Trans her idea is different but she still has a clear idea of how I should look.

               Part of me had a thought that one day when I’ve recovered from all these gender-related expectations and evolved beyond a point of caring what other people think I’d like to try to cosplay characters of both genders or perhaps some non-binary characters like Tieria or Hange. Right now, I have no confidence in cosplaying as either of them and especially Tieria because their hair tends to look feminine to others. I’m not ready yet but if I do get to the point where I can confidently cosplay them then I know I’ve finally gathered enough confidence to ward off the judgmental glares. I think before one can do that though they need a positive self-image and self-esteem. It’s nice to have goals even if I have to acknowledge that I’m not there yet. I’m sure I can make it to that point. Perhaps when I live on my own and am more settled down in life. I don’t care if that will make me a nerdy man cosplaying in his mid-30s or even early 40s.

               I do want to get back to some of my opinion posts on tumblr even if it might not get the best reception. I know some of them will just fine in terms of things that I love but in terms of things I care less for I might get some negative attention. I don’t really want that but I do want to get to the point where I don’t care as much about that either because it is my blog and I should be allowed to voice what I want to. I don’t think I can do it any time soon but at some point I’d love to write my reactions to things as I watch them or read them. I used to do that a long time ago but it didn’t really go anywhere and I just let it slide by the way-side but I do enjoy expressing myself and even if I have unpopular opinions surely there would be at least one person who somewhat agrees with me. I think we are all allowed to have our own opinions about things without being chastised but sadly that isn’t the environment we live in these days.

               I mean I do have two specific unpopular opinions I will probably never voice to anyone other than my closest friends (unless I lose my mind and want to guarantee I’ll lose all my followers) but other than that I want to try to be brave and share some of my opinions even if not everyone is going to like them. I’ll just hope for the best or at the very least something other than the worst.

[seafaringmonsters]

I am Good and If You Are Not Like Me Then You Are Bad (and Other Lessons I’ve Learned on Facebook)

I am a human being. I am flawed and I am uncomfortable. I did not receive the rules for how to live when I was born. I did not get a manual that said which adults to trust or how to do things on my own. I try and I fail and I make mistakes. I am a hypocrite about things I don’t fully understand. My perspective is limited to what I have experienced and what I already believe enough to learn from others.

In order for me to learn something, I have to believe that it could be true. Belief can come from prior knowledge, faith, or trust in the person imparting information. In science and research, people gather broad samples of information and read it in order to tell a story, but even the sources and samples must be something they can trust. Trust is cheap currency on social networking sites like Facebook. I know that for every opinion and experience I have had, there is a headline and a stock photo to support it. Thanks to social media and the internet at large, I can create a portrait of the world that suits the narrative I have already created for myself, no experience necessary.

The enemies I believe in exist. The heroes I believe in exist. I get to be the victim of something every day and celebrated for my strength in surviving something else the next. The point is, I get to be the good guy. Always. There will always be someone, or more often a group of strangers, who will completely validate me in the way that I feel and think. They are easy to find. When someone enters my space on a post or a comments section who disagrees, I can block them. I can call someone every heinous insult that comes to mind and be the victim of their bullying. I can share an article written by a nameless algorithm of questionable origin and use it to validate my life experience. I get to self-diagnose myself the victim of an oppression that until today I didn’t know existed. But what would be the point?

The point is that I am on social media because I feel a void within myself and I wish to fill it with connection. I want to connect with people, to be called a friend, to have something sent to me. Reading public posts by people that I know feels personal. It feels like they had me in mind when they shared that they missed all their old friends from back home. When someone shares a photo of their new baby I am quick to respond because I feel connected to them. This is how social networking began and how it worked beautifully. When someone asks a question it feels like they’re asking me and I feel obliged, and delighted, to answer. I feel like I’m helping.

Several years ago when I relocated to Los Angeles, all of my friends were people I met on Facebook. My entire first apartment was furnished by people on Facebook. My clients at my first job found me through a Facebook group. My relationship questions were answered by strangers who seemed to have my best interest in mind. I felt bonded to a secret club and doubted that any harm could come from something that had helped me in so many ways.

Though connection fuels my desire for and my reliance upon social networks, what I get out of it evolves to provide me with what I perpetuate. It has become less acceptable to call a friend on the phone and tell them about my day than to type it out in a paragraph to release to anyone who looks. As I scroll through at night, I find my timeline filled with desperate cries for help. Not the kind that have direction or want advice, but “I can’t do this anymore.” This is a familiar cry because it is something I have done, too. In those dark nights of the soul when everything hurts, I used to turn to alcohol or drugs or one night stands. I would wander into a bar and hope that someone in there would start up a conversation and let me leak my pain to them. I didn’t have an outlet. I didn’t have any help. I battled anxiety and depression without a set of tools to feel my way though it to the other side. Today, I find myself using a new drug: my timeline.

But even worse, those cries are not in a vacuum. They are peppered in among amateur, emotional, and fear riddled judgements of the state of the world. My timeline has flooded with political analyses by the ill and uninformed, social commentary from perspectives made hopeless by offensive and defensive counter arguments from those who believe they know best, and ads catered directly to me based on what I have shared, which is most often expressions of fear, grief, and discontent.  The worse off I feel, the more I share things that mirror my state of mind, the worse it gets.

I noticed this for the first time around the 2016 Presidential Election. The weight of the world was already heavy, but the news of the election results led to a cascade of posts of hopelessness. I found myself compulsively scrolling pages upon pages of non-stop news, op-ed’s, and opinions of friends and strangers.  I would comment and share posts that rang true to me. Over a few days I noticed that each time I opened my Facebook app, my timeline was filled with horror. It was a terror of daily tragedy. It was no longer just bad news about the President, it was my friends posting articles about domestic abuse. It was people wanting to “spread awareness” about a police shooting by sharing a literal snuff film of a dying man shot by his crying wife with his screaming child two feet away.

That’s as dark as this article is going to get.

But do we realize what we’re doing? When my mom (a black woman in her 60’s) posts a quiz asking “what will you look like as an old lady” and her answer is a white woman in her 50’s, she posts the results because it’s funny. I laugh. She does not stop to ask herself what the consequences of sharing her photo or her name or her email address to a strange unnamed game on Facebook would be. She is seeking connection and validation, and while she may not have found it, she at least found something to share.

When a white woman in Cincinnati shares a video of police brutality, she may not know exactly how she feels about it before happening upon a headline that says it for her: “This Must Be Stopped! Please SHARE!” And she does, because it feels like the right thing to do. A Black father in New York sees a stock photo of a white woman in dreadlocks with a caption “The Anti-Blackness of White Privilege and Cultural Appropriation.” He doesn’t need to read the article. He knows that this white woman with locks is his enemy.*

Social media is a tool for validating our identities for the purpose of building connection with others. Our common goal is to be seen for who we really are, and at the core of it, we believe we are doing the right thing.

This is why, when someone posts something that shames or judges someone else, there will often be a roar of debate and arguing in the comments section. I have been one of these commenters. I have posted judgmental opinions of others’ behavior or beliefs. I have been an active participant on both sides of this because I, like everyone else, want to believe that I am right. I am the hero of my own story. I am the underdog, the victim, the survivor, and the hero all at once. I am special and I deserve love. These identities are the fuel behind anything I post on the internet. I am of service to others on the internet because it makes me feel good that others can see the proof that I’m doing the right thing. I follow the rules and do what I’m told by anyone I believe I can trust because I don’t want to be the bad guy. At the core of me, I cannot accept that I might be in the wrong.

This is also how misinformation, fake news, conspiracy theories, and dangerous opinions are spread. We desire a common enemy but do not allow for our bad-guys to have positive traits. We out someone as having said something racist once and we cancel them, not because we believe that there is truly something wrong with them, but that making an example of them proves that we are good. We firmly, and publicly, condemn anyone suggested as having been guilty of one of our agreed-upon cardinal sins. Donald Trump, for those who do not support him, is incapable of doing anything progressive or helpful without it having been in some way manipulative of or detrimental to the American people. Similarly, our heroes become incapable of doing wrong. To the progressive left, it has become a cardinal sin to call out the wrongs of anyone in our agreed-upon oppressed groups. This hard line of what is good and what is bad without the ability to entertain nuanced conversation for the sake of gathering new information, or the compassion to be willing to listen to those who feel opposed without taking personal offense, has created a divide deep within the American heart.

What is it that I then turn to to fill the void of the loss of connection through this divide?

Facebook.

My intention is not to simply reinforce or simply call by name an issue that we all feel brewing but can’t exactly lay our finger on. I do not know the scientific ins and outs of what exact effect Facebook has on our psyche and I will not pretend to have the answers for everyone. What I can share is that it has become imperative to me to call out my own behaviors.

I have been the bad guy. I have been racist, I have been sexist, I have appropriated cultures, I have been ableist. I have judged others behind their backs for their weight or what they wear. I have responded to a high school acquaintance’s Facebook post by telling them that they’re racist and “how dare they” for the purpose of battling my own inner guilt. I have hopped on a comments section to chime in on calling out a white girl for wanting box-braids claiming personal offense when I had none but wanted to be celebrated for my “wokeness.”I have pulled emotional theatrics for attention. I have blocked people for having varying opinions and simply not wanting to admit that they had a decent argument that I couldn’t win. I have been wrong. I have been so wrong. Sometimes I knew what I was doing and sometimes it took time to become aware that I had acted out of fear.

Saying these things does not make me a better person. It makes me a person. When I am capable of being honest enough with myself to admit that I don’t have all the answers or that I am desperate for validation and attention of others, I can instead use my energy to build relationships through my vulnerability. Not just the vulnerability to admit my victimhood, but I get to honor the vulnerability of admitting that sometimes I am the bad guy, and that there’s nothing actually bad about having been wrong. The love and connection that can actually fill the void within me is not that of an anonymous crowd, but the connection I can create between myself an another person when I can listen. When I am willing to forgive and be forgiven. When I can seek to understand rather than to be understood.

I am not perfect and in fact I am often part of the problem, but each day I try to post less, share less, read less, and focus on things that can actually get me to a place where I can be ok in my own skin. No quiz on Facebook can tell me who I really am. Instead, I get to find out for myself by being a human being. Flawed. Messy. And probably not doing it right. 

*(These terms, by the way, in addition to terms like “micro-aggressions,” “gaslighting,” and “triggers,” have only been actively a part of our societal vocabulary on a general basis since the budding of social justice activism on social media. They were not commonly used terms before online social justice activism took hold. They were predominately terms reserved to academia, psychology, and psychotherapy-related spaces.)