#i tried making a separate blog for that but i cant. it doesnt feel like talking in my diary like posting on main

[dude-iloveu]

hmm i'll clean up my sporadic rant / vent posts from my blog soon

[liquidstar]

im going to ask here bc i have more followers

cohost is going down and im trying to find a good alternative for it (obviously not tumblr, bc, well im already here and i want a separate social media that can be more personal)

i want a place where i can privately share my wips with my close friends, as well as more personal life stuff that i wouldnt share on here. its so important that the account can be fully 100% private- no one who i dont approve as a follower should be able to find it or see it. i dont want a lot of my writing+art to go public before im ready for it to, and i also dont want irls to find me.

BUT because im sharing wips, it cant be a twitter clone with a character small limit. i tried mastodon servers with huge character limits (like 5000) but then the issue became every reply someone makes shows up on your main feed. which doesnt work for me. there was a toggle for this but it didnt actually work to turn off the reply spam drowning out actual posts- it all just becomes noise and gives me a headache

webpages like neocities wont work bc i wanna use it as a social media (i also want to see my friends posts and writing), not a webpage! also idek if you can make those actually private

and... in theory facebook actually works for character limit+comment reasons buuuut its just kinda too public. i know you can make a private account but it seems to connect to everything you do anyway and i just cant trust it to not recommend me as a friend to my mom and completely and utterly out me.

a small microblogging site like cohost was perfect and fit everything i was looking for. now that its going down, yeah, ill probably have to make do with something else, but nothing else really seems to fit what im looking for.

if all else fails i can make a more private tumblr blog but... thats just kinda not what i want. i want a separate site for me and all my friends. turning back to tumblr feels like going backwards

[krunchylegs]

more yap 💔

i think i want to do a fast on the weekend, a 48hour fast spanning over the weekend, if my dad cooks then ill have to do OMAD to avoid being suspicious (cant not eat bc theres already an underweight person in the household 😓) she doesnt have an ed, maybe ed behaviors but not in the way thats intentional, i think its more of a sensory thing or something like that.

im not sure bc she doesnt talk abt it but she wants to gain weight and muscle and go to the gym last time i checked, so idk why she aint tryna get her protein in. she just forgets to eat..

but anyways after the fast ill do omad with tomato soup for 2 days lol and then ill go back to eating 800 cals (limit not goal) bc i tried 700 limit and i think that was too low for me bc it made me obsess over food more. im still leaning into it, tbh im lucky tho bc when i first started tracking calories i usually hit 1500, but its still hard lowering calorific intake 😓esp when ur used to just eating when ur hungry, now its hard to not eat when im not even hungry??? like that doesnt make sense, and then i feel full and gross but its not even like a binge type of thing, and honestly ive misused the word binge a few times on my blog which im tryna stop doing bc i feel like its not an honest depiction of whats going on, anyways why does protein powder lowkey have so many calories like wdym 30g is 117cals, like what the fuck am i supposed to add that to, and then its like fat free greek yogurt! but if i dont add peanut butter it taste so sad, but then its like way more cals than i thought it would be + the volume isnt even that much..

at least i get to make my own lunch and breakfast, idk if i should start skipping breakfast again but after eating an apple for breakfast for a few days, u get used to having that extra bit of energy, honestly i think thats why i keep eating actually, i keep trying to keep my blood sugar up or something, istg why cant my body be smart and energize itself from the literal stored energy?? like ermmm thats what its there for??

anyways my food for tomorrow

breakfast+lunch(bc im not bothered to separate the cals i calculated for my lunchbox that also holds my breakfast) - 555 (oh em gee angale numbar 🥰)

falafel things - 220 i think

and if i eat outside of this itll be my dads chicken stew that he made, which was actually nice, it tasted healthy? it had vegetables in it, which like why dont i eat vegetables that often? i should buy frozen broccoli, i actually love broccoli sm its so underrated. not sure how to estimate it but if i eat any itll be a small portion, i dont think itll be too high cal, since the ingredients were pretty clean looking and its only stew, most of it is vegetables

anyways goodnight im so tired

[artreider]

Let's try to get this final live blog on my station 19 rewatch done. I'm currently laid up on my couch in mild pain but unable to do anything else.

I don't really like flashback episodes but i want one for the premiere since we are jumping so far ahead. I hate that this episode starts with a fight. But damn knowing what the fight is over, i love how loyal andy is to maya in this episode. Something ive wanted for her and the team. Qnd also jaina looks gorgeous.

The fire scene yay another fire on the fire show lmao. Feel like we missed some last year which im sure was covid related.

The marina scene ugh chefs kiss. I love how happy and giddy they are. I do wish we couldve gotten to see some of their month apart communication and their quarantining apart those two weeks when carina got back. I wrote a little something related to that and i may share before the premiere of season 5.

The quiet moment between carina saying her morning was better than those 6 weeks and then asking about mayas folks was a beautiful and real moment and i love it. So brief it could be overlooked but great choice for team.

The little bit of danielle and stefania that was them and adlibbed in this episode was so great also.

I love that rhey addressed how everyone was able to attend maskless and how safe the wedding was keeping the real world element in. Also vic love you and your chicken dance comment makes me sad that we didnt get it.

Vics parents trying to talk to her about theo is so cute.

Poor lawyer she'd be good for dean.

I understand some people dont come out until late in life but that is hard to hear that you havent loved the person youve been with for decades like you do this new person. That would hurt me so much to hear, like i couldve been with someone who is my great love if youd told me sooner. I love/hate this storyline for travis family.

Ugh if this fire had gone on any longer those poor kids and elderly couple.

Haha andy you should wait until someone answers the door for you when visiting almost newlyweds or people who've been seperated for 6 weeks lmao.

Also maya's excuse and none wet (shower) sex hair i love it.

Ugh sullivan trying to defend himself makes me so upset.

Bailey giving ben hell about second and third opinions is funny, like i figure shed be all for it.

Inara and marcus leaving jack is sad. I hope we still get to see marsha in season 5. Also if they do pair jack and jo itd be a bit ironic. I mean jo too had an abusive ex like inara.

Also jack and his marsha have similar eyes, itd be something if it came out she really was his mom.

I dont understand how maya hadnt settled on what to wear she's queen of the clipboard lmao. Just goes to show how some things throw us off course. Also i totally get her saying her outfit choice will define her forever. I judge my look in my wedding photos all the time and feel like other people do as well.

Why do i feel like this exchange between maya and carina was mostly adlibbed? It just feels so fun.

This poor family and ugh i couldnt imagine having to make the tough calls of firefighters/fire captains.

Love that all the fire crew helped put the wedding on.

I understand travis emotion here.

How'd this conversation about maya's folks get started with andy???

I love that maya and andy's friendship is restored. Also famous last words maya, dont speak the bad juju into existence.

Dean you shouldve spoken up there.

Why the chief there? I live in a city and the chief aint showing up for a house call that needs a few units. At least not until fire is out of they for some reason cant get it out.

Lmao maya freaking out about wearing the same thing as carina. Andy therapizing maya is funny.

That poor boy.

The dad comments to ben are beautiful. Also love that so many of the team know how dean feels about vic.

So why is travis getting dressed separately than the rest of his team. I mean i know its because he doesnt know about Dean's feelings and pushes vic to give theo a chance as well as allow theo and travis to talk but come on. He wouldnt get ready separately.

Also what was the point of theo going to that room if not to get ready. Sorry just annoying.

I wish carina had had someone mention andrew to her. Whether ben, bailey, maya or even any of the fire team who worked on the call with him during the crossover awhile back. Her grief during this day of happiness should've been acknowledged, even with just a remembrance table for him amd other family she lost to covid.

I do love this beautiful moment with vic though saying this isnt all just for maya.

Oh my how i love the maya confronting her father. She is the brave i want to be. Also what she says to her mom, yes chefs kiss. However when her mom shows up at the wedding, really the woman couldnt grab a nice shirt or dress to wear on her way out or on her way to the wedding.

I also love the look of pride on maya's moms face both at the house and the wedding.

Im sad we probably wont get any moments of her living with marina due to the time jump.

Ugh the choice that cost maya her promotion but ahouldnt have.

Also with all maya's options for clothes, couldnt they had dressed her mama in something borrowed from maya. Lol im sorry it bothers me so.

Vic's song for the intro is beautiful. Barrett has a beautiful voice.

Maya is so happy her mom is there and i love it. Also in my head at least one person videoing is doing it for the greys family who couldnt make it to the wedding for carina.

I also love maya singing along with vic to carina.

Queen of the clipboard forgetting to write her vows is special and funny. I love carina talking her down from a panic attack. Also her simple vow is beautiful and how carina who probably did write her vows saying we're good instead of reading them after seeing maya's mom in attendance and the look shared is everything.

I truly believe that was the moment she 100% knew maya had changed from end of season 3, was definitely all the way in. She knew what it meant for maya's mom to be there.

Love the dance montage and improved marina kiss.

Another healing theo and travis talk.

Sullivan just cant let it go and ugh trying to justify it. I just cant, still not over it. Even if he isnt captain in season 5 it still isnt right.

Sullivan you cant say you have the teams back then saying you can control them and throwing maya under the bus. Those are contradictory.

This jack and andy conversation is interesting.

This marina conversation is funny but sad when you know the end of the episode.

Its so funny that so few people know about Miller's feelings at this point.

It'll be interesting to see the travis, vic and theo in season 5.

Ben and bailey are so cute.

Wish we couldve had conversations at the wedding with maya and her mom or carina and maya's mom or the 3 of them.

Inara is so wise. I hate this for all 4 of them.

Gotta love the ole grab em and pull em back to kiss them and let them know how you really feel tremmett moment.

Too late dean, they tried to tell you.

I love marina dancing in the background ugh sullivan and the surrera rehashing.

Time for the horrible news ugh.

Everyone just looking at marina and knowing is horrible.

Great season, great episode and im looking forward to whats next.

Thank you to everyone thats been following my rewatch blogging, and for all the kind comments. I appreciate it so much, made the summer so fun.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Deku's Thoughts Process for Shigaraki

Yeah, anon, though actually the way of Deku think changed over time.

At the start of series, Deku is just fanboy, despite being the victim, he still idolizes heroes and the ways society is.

He was scared of villains, like to him, villains are monsters, horrible, inhuman.

But despite seeing them as monsters, Deku didnt treat them like that at first.

After Deku entered UE (famous hero school), y’know he met Shigaraki,

(IRONICALLY, Deku met main victim in story at his first saving training. Thanks to @shiroi-no-kumo-blog​ for making good point.)

He meets Shigaraki’s most inhuman side but at that time, even though Shigaraki hurted people;

1- 

When Deku used his power on Shigaraki, he hold himself unconsiously.

Later, it was mentioned;

the reason Deku hold back was he saw Shigaraki as human. Yes, Shigaraki was murederer and hurts his friends, teacher etc but Deku unconciously remind himself that the person in front pof him is still human, no matter what he does.

At start, Deku was afraid of villains but to him, they were still people.

2- He even quietly listened what Shigaraki said.

He tried to understand what this villain trying to say.

And time passed. They met again. Not many things changed.

Shigaraki decided to talk Deku cause he saw his past self in Deku. They both actually listened and tried to understand each others.

Shigaraki talked about how Allmight can not save everyone.

Deku listened what Shigaraki said but at this point, he still doesnt really understand his actions and that Shigaraki is victim.

Deku listened him but he didnt know what to say.

Deku saw things but he did not know how to make sense of this situation.

And again, a lot of time passed.

But the more Deku stayed in UE, the more he become strict and the more he dehumanize villains.

You know, UE is school that supposed to raise heroes but actually, tehy dont raise heroes, they raise soldiers. This is probably why hero side’s characters didnt get much character development for a long time. Cause in there, they are not grown as an inviduals. They are becoming tools for society.

This is why even though Deku is more confident about himself and he is not scared of villains anymore but he still cant control his anger and he is still sef destructive.

And i think especially after overhaul arc, Deku started to dehumanize villains more, after seeing what overhaul did to Eri.

For long time, Deku didnt meet Shigaraki, he just heard what he did from far away.

Then, war arc came.

Again, he didnt even know what was happenning to Shigaraki, only thing he knows was he is supposed to stop Shigaraki.

At this point;

To Deku, Shigaraki isnt human anymore.

Even though, he listened what he said, he is still looking at the picture with blind-eye, like unlike before, he half listening.

Even though, he saw his pain, he ignores it.

(In this scene, Shigaraki is controlled by AFO, shows his pain with smile and Deku doesnt seem to mind. The reason is probably like many people, Deku thinks people who are in pain dont smile. Same for Uraraka who couldnt notice Toga’s pain, until she saw her crying.)

Anyway, unlike the start, unlike UE incident; to Deku, Shigaraki isnt human anymore. He actually tries to kill him.

You know, after being in UE, he should become more like hero but actually, we see opposite. Its true that Deku learnt things too but he also cut his empathy for villains.

The one who made Deku angry isnt even Shigaraki, it was All For One who controlled Shigaraki and hurted Bakugou and Endeavour but since Deku didnt learn to deal with anger, he couldnt see whats happenning in front of him.

Anyway, gladly, they enter to Ofa-Afo world.

Finally, Deku saw that Shigaraki is having a hard time with Afo. He still doesnt know Shigaraki’s past, he still doesnt undertsand him but now, after seeing personally, he understood that Shigaraki is somehow victim too.

They still have a lot of way to go. Deku still dehumanize villains, just like proheroes.

But now, something changed.

Until now, Deku always separated as people who needs to be saved (innocent looking victims) and people who needs to be stopped (villains). Yes, there is gentleman and some other villains etc but they werent really dangerous criminals/murderers so.

But now, at least, he realized that ‘the guy who hurts everyone, the guy who needs to be stopped, the guy who cause many trouble for everyone’ is also someone who needs to be saved.

Not only author wrote with with big bold letters, its also how this arc ended. Deku finally getting more perspective and realizing things. Its small but important step. Also its like this scene symbolise the hurted feelings of someone who wasnt saved. Like how everything is decaying, destroyed, this is how people who werent saved feels. It was really good. Cant wait to see their growth, interactions and more development between them.

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Going off of the break-up headcanons (they broke my heart btw) what about some cheating headcanons? As in, an S/O that is caught cheating by one of the Papas or Copia.

Hello i am glad those break up hcs got to yall bc i was really hoping they would. also one of the other asks from wattpad was the opposite of this one, how would they react if they were caught cheating on their s/o and how would they earn back their trust, so another long full band one! also im only doing the ones i WANT TO because this is MY (and nyx’s) BLOG and thats that

Papa I: Old fashioned man does not cheat. He simply doesn’t. he shockingly still believes in true love, and soulmates, and The One, after all this time. If ever did cheat it would take enough liquor for his eyes to stop working and a really manipulative person to make him think it was you. and if that happened, he would surely run right home and tell you. he would explain that he never wanted it, and that it shouldn’t have happened, and every little detail he can remember, and expect forgiveness. Unfortunately, bc he’s so ass over tits for the idea of love, if his s/o cheated on him for any reason, he wouldn’t show that he’s bothered any more than he has too. all he wants is to be with you. to be together. he won't let something like a pesky infidelity keep him from that.

Papa II: Like I said before, he has no time for the trivial. if youre not in it for the long run, you’re a one night stand, and even then. The only thing he would possibly cheat for is if he started to have feelings for someone else, but he knows that means he never cared about the first person enough, so he would probably leave sooner than he would cheat. but if everything happened so suddenly with the new person... maybe he would get himself too tied up before he could end things with the first. And he would feel awful about it. But if he was full into his s/o and found out they cheated, he would be heartbroken. Devastated. You're not the person he thought you were. you never were that person. he doesn't even know who you are anymore. there's no point in trying to forgive or beg for it in his eyes - some mistakes you can't write over. some trust you cant win back. 

Papa III: He... has dabbled in poly relationships. he quickly establishes these limits with any new partner - can you sleep with other people, what counts as cheating, how is the situation handled? - and makes sure he knows the rules that you're both comfortable with. so in that sense, he’s never cheated. but he has slept with others outside of his relationship, with his partners express knowledge. that being said, he’s been cheated on plenty of times when his partners agreed to be monogamous and lied. the worst part about it is he gave them a chance to say what they wanted, and made sure they knew that the rules could change at any time if they talked about it, but they still went behind his back and made him look like a fool. And III doesn’t take very kindly to being made a fool.

Cardinal Copia: Morally Ambiguous Copia Mode: Enabled. He would cheat if he felt he need to. if it would get him where he wanted to be - that includes any bosses or higher ups (youre telling me he was III’s assistant and never sucked him off??? ok....) but he wouldn’t cheat for any other reason. and he would DEFINITELY keep it a secret. the less they know the better, for both of them. If his s/o cheated on him for any reason they could have avoided, there will be hell to pay. that is, if he stays. the chances of him ever trusting you  he wont check your phone, or ask where youve been, he just wont ask at all because he assumes anything you tell him will be a lie. he wants you to know that he doesnt care what you say, whether you can make it up to him eventually or it tears you two apart.

Dew: Shockingly good at being faithful and loyal, but, we all slip up sometimes. out of all the people he’s been with, hes only cheated on two of them, and it was because he couldn’t stop himself - believe me, he tried. he was just so desperate and you weren't around and they were throwing themselves at him... what do you expect? but it’s not something he makes a habit of, and he feels worse about it than he expects his s/o will. if they ever cheated on him, he would feel just as bad. probably blame himself for not being good enough, or not being there when you wanted him. the worst thing that could happen is that if it wasn’t only cheating, but a full blown affair. if they had feelings for the other person, and didn’t want to be with him anymore. that would break his little heart.

Swiss: i just made a little separate post abt this for him. Swiss is a serial cheater. You would think he’d know this about himself, but he constantly gets into relationships and agrees to be monogamous because he thinks he’s changed, but really, he hasn’t. and he doesn’t cheat with malicious intent ever, he just likes the thrill of doing something he knows he shouldn’t, and doesnt think its reasonable of anyone to expect him to only be having one lover when theres so many people in the world to love. Inversely, if he caught or found out his s/o was cheating before he got the chance, he would lose his mind. Go on about how could you betray his trust like that, and how he’ll never love again. really toxic out here im not going to lie. But he doesn’t really care, he just wants to make you feel bad, and hes onto the next in less than a few hours.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[kukalakas]

wait what’s penumbra?

Oh youve done a terrible mistake because ive been mentally writing why you should start listening to the penumbra podcast for hours.

SO GOOD EVENING FOLLOWER AND WELCOME TO THE PENUMBRA!!!!

The Penumbra Podcast is a well podcast available on youtube if you into easy free stuff but you can find it also on spotify or itunes or stitcher(podcast ep) and im sure there are other places but eh these are the ones i know about

Sooo umm what its about?

Well glad you asked, first of all we need to separate that to 3 categories which are Juno Steel Stories, Second citadel stories and one shots because um its a lil bit confusing so let's get into shall we??!!!

Juno Steel stories

They are about a private investigator on Mars solving cases who has an amazing secretary who needs to be a protected at all costs and also he is in love with a thief who is v homme fatale and Juno is very annoyed by the feelings he is feeling. The first season is about Juno finding martian artifacts! Its really great and most of the reblogs you see on my blog rn are from Juno series. Also there are two versions of the first story because they remastered it ariund the time they finished s1 finale and tbh I only listened to the remastered version and was hooked immediately.

Second citadel stories

This is completely different series that has nothing to do with Juno stories, you can technically skip Juno if you find SC more interesting or skip if you prefer Juno. Okay, so Second citadel is a high fantasy series with knights and monsters. This one an ensemble cast and there are 9ish main characters. Its really um.. wacky world? Like I was thinking like how should I describe the vibe of this series and I think it feels like D&D campaign or at least what I think D&D feels like cuz Ive never played it but it reminds me of a tumblr post which was something like

DM:... And you can see house in the distance

Player: is it something i have to fight?

DM, writing down stats: IT IS NOW

So yeah I think it kinda feels like that to me at least. Also this one is for me 'it gets better' series because i didnt really enjoy the first story but yeah its great and I love the characters

First story for SC is 'Second Citadel - The head of the Janus Beast' which is 9th episode overall

One shots

Ok to make this weirder there are also 3 one shots and like again each of them is set in different universe blah blah nothimg in common with the other stuff

Shaken

A horror story about a woman who made a beautiful painting and now she has to top that one to stay relevant and like theres a lot of pressure... It gets yeah v unsettling

The Coyote of the Painted Plains

Be gay do crime. WESTERN WLWS Mary Anne is engaged to some guy, gets kidnapped by a hot bandit and her fiance tries to save her 1(tho gay love is too powerful).

Home

Another horror story tho for me it was more of a idk thriller? Im bad with genres but imo it wasnt that scary. Its about a little Lily who is supposed to move to a new house with jer parents and brother. On the i think last night(or one of the last whatever) she is left home alone with her brother and stuff starts happening. Dun dun dun

Oh did I mention that its really gay? Honestly there are barely any straight characters (i can honestly think of one thats like yeah he is most likely straight but others are either lgb+ or not confirmed)

Also Juno is bi and canonically nb with mostly masculine um presentation and he uses he/him pronouns also there is a character who uses they/them pronouns. They want to also include binary trans characters and more diversity in general but they want to do it right so it doesnt feel forced etc.

Also in second citadel there are characters in poly relationship!

Im honestly doing my best to not start every paragraph with also but here i go again so also most of the characters that have canon um look? are poc

And also Juno has canonically depression and I cant speak on this subject but from other people's posts its handled well!

So yeah hopefully i didnt forget anytbing cuz its like nearly midnight here and my brain is refusing to word words but yeah priorities also hopefully ur sold and if you have any questions im here 👀 hmu, please listen to the penumbra podcast im begging

[gachastar-archive]

im beginning to come to terms w/ how much kinning has fucked me up in a lot of ways, and ive tried to quit it before and failed, but i think i rlly have to this time for my own health. 

i have terrible identity issues and stopping will be painfully hard, bc some of these characters i genuinely see as myself and cant imagine separating my identity from them, but trying to cope by seeing myself in the things i love has only made me understand who i am less, and has made me hide within fiction to cope with how terrible my real life is (which in turn is only making my real life worse).

it doesnt help that kin tumblr makes me fear for my life (bc, as established, my real life barely exists and im mostly an online consciousness). like mutuals and stuff, yall are cool, but some ppl make me feel like im putting myself in danger just by existing.

whenever i see old mutuals in my notes (from like wayyy back), i miss when things were simpler. granted, i like my blog content a lot more compared to what it was like around 1.5yrs ago, bc now im actually following ppl who like what i do and i dont feel like i have to only post funneys to please the masses. and now i feel like i can actually communicate w/ my mutuals, even the old ones!

but it is hard feeling guilty all the time for seeing myself in what i love, whether it be for kinnie discourse reasons or cringe culture reasons, so i need to change. i need to change myself, otherwise other ppl wont be comfortable w/ me, and in turn i cant be comfortable w/ myself. (as i said, i have identity issues, not that it means anything bc we all do, im not special for knowing nothing abt myself other than i hate me) 

and im twenty years old by now, i need to have an identity of my own to continue surviving. i have no other choice but to keep surviving, since my mom wld be mad at me for dying when she put so much work into helping me and loving me. 

im only holing myself up further into my fantasies by kinning, and while the thought of leaving my fantasies behind sickens me, no one on earth wants an adult who cant face reality. i have no value unless i can accept the reality of my life, and the responsibilities that come with living this long. my dream worlds cant pay the bills, after all.

anyway tldr: im trying to quit kin *peace sign disappear gif*

[the-desolated-quill]

Luther 5x01 - Luther blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Can you remember the last time I’ve written about this show? 24th December 2015. Feeling old yet? Back then I was lucky if my reviews got two notes. Now I can get as many as thirty. Goodness me, I’ve gone up in the world XD

If you would like to read my reviews of the previous episodes... well... I’d rather you didn’t if I’m honest because they’re not very good. I was still finding my feet as an amateur critic/blogger/moaning old fart at the time and only had a vague idea of what I was talking about. I can give you a quick summary of my views on the show. I love it for the most part. In recent years it’s become almost trendy to take the piss out of it due to its over the top villains and gratuitous violence, but that’s always been part of its charm for me. But above all, what puts Luther head and shoulders above most other crime shows for me is the title character. Writer Neil Cross has created one of the most compelling and morally complex characters I’ve ever seen and Idris Elba brings him to life expertly. As horrific and ludicrous as the crimes and plots usually are, it’s DCI John Luther that keeps me coming back for more.

Luther has always been more of a horror show than a crime drama and the first episode of Series 5 is no different. A masked killer with LED lights on his hood to confuse CCTV cameras, (which makes him look a lot like that ghost astronaut from Scooby Doo), is roaming around London, sneaking up on unsuspecting strangers and hammering nails into their bodies because that’s the only way he can achieve an orgasm. Oh yeah, and he also has a jar of eyeballs in his sex dungeon because of course he does. The villains in this show can be many things, but subtle isn’t usually one of them. At one point newcomer DS Haliday asks Luther if this kind of depravity is normal for him, which made me laugh. Any Luther fan could tell you that this is just an average Tuesday for him.

No other show can get away with this kind of grotesqueness, but in Luther it just works. It revels in how insane and weird it is. It’s not a question of whether or not it’s believable (because let’s face it, it bloody isn’t). It’s a question of whether or not it’s scary and it absolutely is. Jamie Payne’s direction really helps to up the creep factor and the concept itself is just inherently icky. By far the most terrifying scene was the killer creeping up on that woman on the top deck of the the night bus, almost panther-like. What made it scarier for me is that the scene was actually filmed near the Olympic Park in Stratford, which is close to where I live. Seeing a psycho wandering around areas you’re familiar with is disconcerting to say the least.

The episode also does a good job of piquing the audience’s interest and building intrigue. Hermione Norris is captivating to watch in her role as Dr. Vivien Lake, who claims to know who the killer is, but there’s clearly more to her than we think. Luther notices straight away this isn’t a normal patient/doctor relationship and we the viewer know from the outset there’s something not quite right about her. It goes beyond her empathising with the killer. She seems to have a degree of control over him, which makes you question whether she is playing a part in these murders, perhaps for her own sexual gratification. Even the reveal at the end that the patient was just a patsy and that her husband is the real killer doesn’t give away everything. I feel there’s a lot more to unpack here with this relationship and this character, and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds in the next three episodes.

The main cast are pretty good. Idris Elba is predictably brilliant, stepping back into the tweed coat and red tie with little effort. Dermot Crowley and Michael Smiley return as DSU Martin Schenk and Benny respectively and both are great fun to watch. Benny in particular plays a more active role this time, no longer being just the stereotypical computer guy and instead taking part in the action, helping Luther to remove a bomb collar from a hostage, which was cool. The weak link is probably DS Catherine Haliday, played by Wunmi Mosaku. She’s set up as the newcomer, being fast tracked to the Serious and Serial Crimes Unit from the public sector, but she doesn’t really have that much of a part to play. Luther barely even acknowledges her existence most of the time. There’s none of the Batman and Robin-esque camaraderie that Luther and Justin Ripley had in the first three series and she’s not as interesting as Emma Lane was in the previous series. She just... exists. Hopefully she’ll get more to do as the series go on.

Another actor who’s wasted in this episode is Patrick Malahide, returning from Series 4 as ‘old school’ gangster George Cornelius. Actually this is something of a recurring problem for Luther. The first series I remember fondly because Neil Cross kept everything simple for the most part. Each episode was about a different serial killer and how Luther was going to catch him. But from Series 2 onward, everything started to get needlessly complicated with B plots and C plots and side stories and so on. I can understand why they’re doing this. Idris Elba and Neil Cross aren’t as readily available as they used to be so when they do find the time to make more Luther episodes, they want to cram in as much material as they can to make up for the long wait by fans. I get it completely, but it comes at the cost of the narrative as a whole. Vivien and her sexually deranged husband is an interesting plot in and of itself, but we keep getting yanked away from it in order to deal with an entirely separate plot about George trying to find his kidnapped son. George isn’t a bad character, don’t get me wrong. Malahide does a great job in the role, but you can’t help but feel all of this is a bit pointless. Why should I care about this guy? He’s a cockney arsehole who tried to assassinate Alice Morgan (the most popular character in the show) for a bunch of diamonds last series. Fuck him. At least now that Alice is back, we can hopefully see her exact her revenge on him.

On the whole, a solid start to the new series with a lot of potential going forward.

[ronitas]

Ok welcome to my Kingdom hearts blog where my motto is FDB Kairi, Vanitas and Sora deserved better, Repliku deserved to be with Namine or at least say goodbye to her before disappearing, Sora and Riku shared the paopu first and the ending of kh3 is the result of the paopu gods being pissed because Sora shared the paopu with another and you cant tell me otherwise, Soriku is canon fars Im concerned and every Sokai moment in this game was awkward and forced af, Namine, Roxas, Xion and Ventus all deserved more screentime, we have a million Sora’s but we cant have 2 Riku’s? come on man

So anyway to sum up my main view points

FDB Kairi, KH3 literally made me hate her when before I just simply disliked her

Namine, Xion and Aqua are best gals

Roxas, Vanitas, Ventus and Sora are best boys

Riku’s cool although not my fave he has my respect

Vanitas and Ven should have reconciled in KH3 and possibly reunited, if not then the two should have reconciled and actually had a heart to heart instead of just ‘I am darkness goodbye’ ‘ok’ that is NOT how that should have gone, Xehanort gets to reconcile with Eraqus but not Vanitas with Ventus? gtf outta here man, I didnt expect Vanitas to have some big sappy ooc moment I just pictured something similar to Naruto at the waterfall training with Bee fighting his darker half and only after he learned to accept and embrace it could he move forward, THATS what I expected but nope, what was the point of even bringing Vanitas back if you werent gonna let these two make peace? this whole game has been villains having change of hearts and the worst one of all being Xehanort even has one but Vanitas just goes out as ‘I am darkness’ which makes all the build-up to Vanitas redemption till this point just to have it end like this in the end of the Xehanort saga is a huge slap in the face, so in that regard I guess I empathize with Kairi fans who expected her to do something but did absolutely nothing

Nomura unintentionally confirmed Riku did the paopu ritual with Sora back in KH1 by confirming in this game that the whole sharing of the paopu legend didnt require you to eat it but just giving it to the other person, proven by Kairi simply giving Sora the paopu but neither of them actually eat it yet that was supposed to represent them finally doing the legend thats been built up since KH1 which was supposed to be a huge Sokai moment but it just ended up becoming a huge Soriku one instead lol

Sea Salt trio is best trio next to the Lost trio

Sora and Riku are the best duo

Kairi should have never had a keyblade and not because of my personal bias but because HOW she got to be able to use one shouldnt even be a thing, you shouldnt be able to just touch the handle of a keyblade wielder and be able to use a keyblade no, it should be like what Terra did formally bequeathing Riku that ability the same should have applied to Kairi and everyone else, Sora touching Riku’s light is excusable because the keyblade chose him which is the ONLY other way someone should get a keyblade is if their CHOSEN by the keyblade itself, please tell me why the keyblade would choose Kairi, what has she done to EARN or DESERVE a keyblade? be a princess of heart? shouldnt all of them have keyblade then? no? of course not cuz thats bs, there is no reason thats why she needed just a half-assed excuse as to why and how she got one, hell even Axel had to prove himself to earn his keyblade, Kairi’s literally the only one who it was just handed to with minimal explanation

I love Sora but I swear in some areas in KH3 it felt like I was watching 2 different people, our Sora and whoever the hell that was

Kairi should have stayed dead in KH3 not just because of my personal feelings toward her but because they literally set it up in POTC with Wills death and Elizabeth being strong and going on without him and then Xehanort kills Kairi and although I knew it was unlikely I figured it was even MORE unlikely that Sora would be the one who dies because hes the protagonist and Nomura literally said Sora would continue to be the protagonist in future games so it’d make more sense for Kairi to die and Sora just having to learn to live on without her and accept the fact that no matter how hard he tries he CANT save everyone, but nope Nomura just pretty much tossed that opportunity for growth and development with Sora and just lets him abuse the power of waking and die for some chick who didnt deserve it that he already killed himself once for this SAME person in KH1 only this time it was alot less impactful but just really infuriating and unnecessary and just overall pointless

Kairi shouldnt have been in the final battle, PERIOD, Roxas should have been brought back earlier on and HE be the 7th light needed while Kairi hangs back and keeps training with Merlin, the fact that anybody let an amateur into the final biggest most dangerous fight ever for her first time using a keyblade on the battlefield boggles my danm mind that even Sora or Riku or Yen Sid didnt tell her to sit this out because she WASNT ready or hell Kairi HERSELF saying she shouldnt go acknowledging that she herself isnt prepared for this serious a battle and she doesnt wanna get in their way and risk them getting hurt trying to protect her, the fact that NEITHER of these happened boggles my friggin mind and please dont say ‘well they needed a 7th light and Roxas needed a spark yatta yatta yatta thats why’ because I can make a whole separate post about why thats bullshit and how it could of happened if the writing was actually GOOD and SENSIBLE there

I cant stress this enough but I DO NOT CARE about the pairings in Kingdom Hearts and I wanna be very clear on this

I do not care if Roxas ends up with a friggin tree or Axel smashes a toaster or Riku with Xion or Sora with Isa IDGAF about shipping in KH because there is way more important things going on then to worry about who gets with who, the only reason I care about Sokai is because I love Sora but despise Kairi and think he can do so much better and even if that ends up bein a frog IDC just as long as it aint her so its really not about the ship but more about what a garbage character Kairi is

I have plenty of ships that I like, but I could care less whether or not they become canon because to me thats just a bonus not a necessity I’ll still enjoy the pairings regardless

KH is supposed to be a combination of Disney and Final Fantasy, if Nomura separates from FF hes makin a huge mistake, you cant remove part of what literally started the franchise in the first place

I think thats about it but If I think of anything else I’ll add it here but yea thats pretty much it, those are my basic views for the series so far so either take it or leave it, if you disagree then just agree to disagree Im not tryin to change any of your opinions and you cant change mine, scratch that you cant change my opinion on Kairi but Im open minded on just about everything else so maybe my opinion CAN change in some areas but Kairi is the one area it wont

[kisskissbanggang]

part1 ... as a female: honestly,,,sub yuta. has a mommy/noona kink. lets you do -mostly- whatever you want. tries to dom you but fails almost every time. and when he does dom is amazing at it and learned it from you being such a dom all the time. he likes to be fucked with a dildo or vibrator, being choked, being tied up. likes to watch porn with his dom as she fucks him out, as she rides his face or him. making him wait to cum till he gets so frustrated and wants to cry. but you stop if he asks

part 2 ... female: sub doyoung. like yuta but doesnt liked to be tied up. he absoluetly loves to be blindfolded as you pin his wrists so he cant touch you. loves when you ride him and stuff his face in your boobs. doesnt like face sitting and you respect that. reverse cowboy. oh god he gets so flustered. make him wait to cum and his loud ass groans and beggings comes out. does like to have his wrists tied in a chair as you suck him. hes not sure how but wants to dom. so he learns with your help

last one :) ... female: hard dom ten. spanking. rough doggystyle. i mean deep inside, ass slapping, hair pulling doggystyle. i kinda see him having a sir kink. not daddy but sir. makes you beg to come. i see jungwoo as a soft dom. soft doggystyle. likes to fuck on counters. shower sex. missionary & light choking. i see him making you beg to cum but giving in quickly. both: not into extreme bondage. but like using silk cloth to tie/blindfold you. gagging while giving head makes them groan so bad.

idk if those 3 fantasy asks went through or not ,,,, but if theyre not anon pls dont post it akxkdkfk or make a separate post not including my blog url. im just a kinky bitch but gotta hide in the corners to not be shamed. soRRY I FEEL BAD SODKDKLSLS

Anon! You fed me so well. 😍 You are kinky and that's awesome! You're so cute. 💕 You're giving me ideas about Yuta that I hadn't considered and I do have a request for him down the line 👀 And I love seeing differing opinions because I did just write Doyoung as being super into face-sitting lmao. I mean, who knows? That's why it's a fantasy. 😘

[sequoiann]

✎ it’s ya girl denise !!!!! and guess what!! yes it’s already in the header but hfsdk i’ve hit my first anniversary!!! it’s crazy that i’ve actually sustained my account for a year! im rly so so grateful tht i’ve built up this… thing…. :^) the tumblr fam + the friends ive made through this acc was a hugeee part of my 2017, and im sure it’d be an even bigger part of my 2018 ! i’d like to thank everyone for being willing to read my pile of bullcrap tht i pour out of my head, ive said this before n i’ll say it again: i never ever imagined tht i’ll have a successful writing acc on here! i’ve tried writing on other platforms (like wattpad) before but it nv rly worked out well long-term bc it became a chore for me to post n update my stories…. but it’s never like tht on tumblr bc of you sweet buttercups!!! thnk u all for constantly reminding me to take care of myself n for checking in on me randomly nd !!! for keyboard smashing your souls out + screaming @ me when i post content!! every little action you guys do rly impacts me a lot, n even when u guys just come by n drop a msg in my inbox my heart just combusts n 💞💛🚨💎💗💥💘‼ (okay enough yapping)

i honestly dont know how follow forevers work but ! i’d like to mention people tht hv, in one way or another, helped me to keep this account going! i cant mention e v e ry o n e but do know tht as long as you’ve made a single note on my dash or hv positive views on my content, you’d be in this list if i cld fit everyone!! i love you all and thnk u so much for everything!

💛: scroll 2 the bottom for a msg! 💗: bithc i’d fling myself out of the solar system for you ilysdm wth ⛅: i actl stalk ur page every few days n send in anon asks bc im a coward but haa thnk u 4 being an inspiration to humanity 💫: we dont talk a lot yet but i absolutely adore ur content!!! n i hope you’re well n happy bc u deserve all the love u can get !

a-c :

@andromedaneedsoxyjin 💗 @adoretexts ⛅ @ajuimaginary 💗 @boosoonhao 💛 @bfwooz 💗 @blondshua 💫 @bookwan 💗 @cheolshu 💫 @chittafont ⛅ @choco-seventeen 💛 @caratvocals 💛 @cosmicae 💗 @chillihansol 💛 @camera-seventeen 💫

d-o :

@dumbbelle 💛 @dreamingseventeen 💛 @gyuofficial 💫 @hansolmates 💗 @hoshidotcom  💫 @hyungwon  💫 @hxshi  💫 @honeywonu 💗 @jeongahn  💗 @joshsua 💫 @jiso2 💗 @jeong-hanie 💫 @joshpup 💗 @johshuas 💫 @jeonghney  💫 @kristian-do 💗 @kingyu97 💛 @kwoncity 💗 @lxveille 💗 @myungho ⛅ @neoyeppuda 💛 @oatmealupdates 💗

p-s :

@princeshushu @paintedshua 💛 @peachseong ⛅ @pasteluji ⛅ @pjimims ⛅ @rappershua 💫 @seventeendom 💫 @soongyuz @shuvee 💫@saythename17scenarios 💗 @starshua @sailorimagines ⛅ @swimmingfool 💫@sebongie-loves ⛅ @softmanscoups 💫 @softhaos ⛅ @soongyuz 💛

t - # :

@ttherose 💫 @taekemeaway ⛅ @tswoondere 💫 @vitaminhosh 💫 @versigny ⛅ @warmau ⛅ @welovekpopscenarios 💗 @writers-leir ⛅ @writingdummy 💗 @whatsoodo ⛅ @wonuz ⛅ @17cuties ⛅ @17cafe 💗 @17mounteens 💗

❥ @boosoonhao

love!!! okay hello hngh we hvnt talked the most yet but i dont think i’ve expressed my utmost love for you enough so yes let me tell you how much i l o v e your content, plus u post quality works so often it makes my little heart so !!! content !!! im not sure when you made your account n i think i discovered your blog a little late but thnk u for your effort in everything you do, u rly inspire me to keep working on my drafts :”) i lov you n i hope we get closer this year! even if im an awkward ass! 

❥ @choco-seventeen

chOcoOooO oh choco my juliet hskjdf hi it’s my annoying ass here to bother u again with my over-the-top affection for u!!!! you rly were one of the blogs tht made me start my own writing blog, n even when i did i nv knew i’d ever talk to u?? maybe through anon heuk but i rly thought u’d be tht holy figure up there tht i’ll never reach! i mean u are still tht holy figure but thnk u for being so friendly n nice n cute n for bcoming a friend 2 me!!! i lov u so much + okay pfft your works pffttt i wnt to frame them up in gold n hang them in my living hall wadafack bih

❥ @caratvocals

oh look another one of my inspirations whom motivated me to start out making fake texts!! kura my love hello !!! i knw we hvnt talked a lot in the recent months…? but my appreciation n love for u still ! remains ! the same !! i love your bubbly n kind personality n it’s rly similar to seokmin’s…. you’re the sun tht never goes out! thnk u for spouting random cute words bc wow thAT shiT you do makes me so soft n your texts??? my honey your texts are so legit i cackle whenever i read them !! i never know how you make them so realistic but i’d like to thank you for putting so much effort into your work ; n your scenarios omg when u released your first fic i wanted to roll in the grass n scream ! it was so good, the chan apocalypse one and the jeonghan day 27 (? i think?) one! i lov all your works basically, thnk u for being so inspiring n cute n for being yourself i lov u !!!

❥ @chillihansol

hanni hanni hanni HANNI !!! my virtual sister! the loml !!! i’ve got so many things to thank you for honestly, you’ve been tht pillar of support for me whenever my mind is just going haphazard ! n u always try to help whenever sth comes up n ure so kind abt everything i wna migrate to where u live omf // + i’ve seen u improve in your writing so much in such a short period of time i am shook tbh wht kind of black magic are u doing ?? ok but im so grateful to hv met u omg when i think abt u i honestly just…… burst into ugly tears bc wht did i ever do in my past life to deserve you ilysdm thnk u for coming into my life n staying here through all my bullsht

❥ @dumbelle

my ring ring ding a ling!!! my disney princess !!!! i love you so much do i need to say anything more!!! thnk u for always checking in on me with cute lil msgs n chatting w my boring ass ! you’re so sweet n kind n so crazy n wow i love crazy :^)) you’ve been posting such unique content on your blog…. i mean the moodboards + the speech text bubbles + the cute lil scenarios below tht?? wht the heck tht is so cute ???? the first time i saw  one of your moodboard i started chuckling 2 myself @ the dinner table n i wnted to shove the fork down my throat is2g ok ilyssm

❥ @kingyu97

feesha!! i rmb when you were still tht f anon tht i met indirectly through clar n lani, n you lil shits wouldnt tell me who u are !!! tht was a funny experience im not gna lie but tht aside, thnk u for always showing your support in my works + being my lil chat buddy!! you brighten up my days so much, sometimes u randomly pop into my inbox when im feeling under the waeather n it just… rly…. makes me smile n then sob in 54 languages bc i lov u n i hv done nothing to deserve everything u do for me n i just…. i just love u ok pls stay in my life ilyily

❥ @dreamingseventeen

yEt another one of my senpais ! my inspiration 2 write!!!! i’ve loved your works ever since i discovered cos, it’s rly one of the fics tht i rmb every detail abt bc i reread it everytime it fades from my dory memory!! i feel so honored tht i got to talk to n be friends with succch an amazing author like you, n i love how you’re just so sincere n genuine in everything tht u do! thnk u for supporting me + encouraging me when im hesitant to do stuff, im so grateful for you and i love you ! i hope you keep writing (although your cat walks all over you n your desktop kekk how cute), pls do rmb to stay healthy !!

❥ @neoyeppuda

i’d really want to make 2 separate dedis to the both of u clar n lani but this post is getting toooo long so i’ll try to be concise but at the same time (hopefully) be able to tell u 2 how much i love u!!! the both of u hv been supporting me for a while n i heard abt you guys a lot before, n when yall came into my inbox i shrieked when i found out tht it was the admins of neoyeppuda like woa i feel like a celebrity just noticed me?? the same feeling i got with choco when i interacted w her for the first time! thnk u both for being so sweet n kind n crazy with me, im so thankful tht the both of u are my friends :^) lani you’re so damn beautiful both inside out n i hope u dont forget tht, i knw things may be hard but it’ll get better - talk to me whenever alright ♡ clar you’re the adorablest fluffiest person ever ilysm thnk u for always hitting my soft spots haaaa :”))) i hope 2018 goes well for the both of u, n pls take care!

❥ @paintedshua

sophie!!! my lovely lavendar soap bar! i think you’d be able to expect wht i wna say already but thnk u for chatting with me at random times of the day / night abt random ass topics tht come off your head (or maybe mine?) ! it makes me so happy tht we’re able to talk so… calmly abt crazy topics n talk so crazily abt calm topics….. i dont think tht made sense but yes u get it hnghh thnk u for building this friendship with me! one tht i treasure with all my heart n soul!!! i hope you continue having happiness n bliss in your life bc u obviously deserve all the good u can get

❥ @soongyuz

priya!!!! wow i can write a freaking 87439-word essay for u bc i think?? tht you’ve been my longest (i dont think tht this is the correct term but) mutual? you’ve been here as heart anon, and let me tell you!!! those days!!! i wasn’t in the best emotional condition (?? ok this doesnt sound right too buT lets move on) then n your heart anon asks were so cute n so innocent n just so!! full of marshmallows n rainbow sprinkles !!! n then a priya emerged from tht n im so damn grateful tht you’ve been with me for so long, thnk u for absolutely everything tht you’ve done for me, i love u so much ♡ i hope you arent too stressed abt school + i hope ure taking care of yourself!

[loyalbreed]

      Cent has decided to back away for the time being; because he feels that it is effecting people he has come to appreciate. That he doesnt know how to return such kindness that was given to him in full. And much like the beginning when the catfish thing first happened, he is overwhelmed and doesnt know where to begin to reach out to people. Again like the beginning, the only people who spoke to him about it wanting an answer. Were the people directly effected by it? Myself included, versus people who just kept using it against him?          The Catfish thing was resolved and ended well between many people who were effected actually. The person who owns the blog that is being linked about him is scrambling to delete it since it was kept by her and a lot of others. To make sure it was out there that what had done, did happen. And that it wasn't over looked either; the fact Cent asked to keep that blog up. Should be important notion alone over who he is as a person. It was not to be brought up negatively again and used as a tool to populate someones obsession and anger over him. Since it seems to continue to happen by the same people staring a new issue every so often when he has people comfortably having fun with him. Which makes me upset because it seems that if a community is happy; unhappiness needs to happen.

        I do not like long posts--and honestly this didnt stay short. But I want say how upset I am this happens again. Considering I was one of the close to him when Cent Catfished; its really stupid to see people who had nothing to do with him at the time. Bring this up as if they were really the ones effected most directly from it? Further you are bringing up bad feelings that many people have already come to let sit on their chest and deal with ultimately.        To further delve into my own sense of okay this post is about me, even though this isnt. I need you all to know how Call Out Culture is ineffective and Bad. From my stand point with my experience I want to leave you with a short burst of information about myself and how we handle it along with DCF, a separate government branch, DDS, and her therapists.         My sister is severely mentally disabled. For the rest of our lives we will be taking care of her. She cannot wash herself. She thinks that Star Scream from Transformers is real and often comes to talk to her. I told her once she couldnt date a toaster as a joke, and she threw the toaster at me screaming about it. She really thinks star scream is attractive, and often details herself with obsessions with Aliens and outer space. She thinks God is evil-- because God made her this way. And cant understand why that is a sad thing to say. She just gets frustrated; frustrated is her essence of living. And acting out on it is how she is derived of.          To continue, she has pushed me down stairs. Abused me. Told me to die. Tried killing me several times. Has emotionally abused my little brother to the point we have a separate staff of people in and out of our house for him.           This is nearly every day for me; every day it is. Is kayla alright? did she do something? Did she hurt someone? did she hurt herself? no? Good good. Today was a good day.          How is this relevant toward this situation and pertaining toward things going on; the thing is rather then take my sister out of the house considering how constant this is. The government stresses on keeping her in the home and helping us all as a whole keep together. When a break is needed; and it can be afforded. She goes into Respite Program where she leaves for a week or so. She is actually going to one soon, and is very excited because they are going to go out a lot!            To reiterate the government keeps disabled individuals who may be a threat to the family within the home. With emergency issues and things that need happen--and yes when she says she wants to kill you she means it. As someone she has tried to I can say that much alright.           To make a point; People who are an issue you do not merely remove them and or kick them out. Indeed themes need be addressed and if their are serious manners of which Pedophila is being actually done then we and you. Need to contact police enforcement. They will take you seriously; it is a serious endeavor. You can involve Tumblr Staff as well, there are channels to pull with if there is something volatile that need be addressed. I implore you to. Yet often times it seems when posts are made, the latter is true.              To highlight the issues where, Cent condones or romanticizes these things that are being said. If you read these rules it is not the case. He states that he will participate in these things but does not want just anyone asking him. Nor does he want anyone shipping with the character as he doesnt understand why it is you would? It is weird to think that from these text alone you would take context otherwise-- Especially knowing before this post was presented. Cent talked about how on his Bel blog he doesnt want to make people feel like his Bel is pushing on them or making them uncomfortable. And that he would never participate in noncon. Or that on King Arthur; he does not do any of these themes what so ever. That these themes are only present on the villainous character he does not even participate in roleplaying anymore.              To round this over; it is getting upsetting seeing how this is effecting one another when the general idea is ‘ i just want to be happy and want people to talk/do things with.’ Rather then ‘ i want nothing to do with this person. ‘ So many people are stressed out and want to talk to cent. Reach out to Cent. But are constantly being told otherwise; its sad and im happy to know that people exist out there that know in actuality how dealing with problems work. Versus adhering the idea that you need kick someone out.                    I fear those people. Because i fear letting my sister do something around someone and someone not understanding and condoning her for it when they only have a minuscule of the story. Seeing as people cant even understand someone who makes sense how would you understand someone like my sister? Its cool you can say now ‘ oh But no we arent talking about that. ‘ Yet the only reason why you can feel this way is because you know the story behind my sister, many of you dont know anything about Cent save for interacting with him and that he makes you laugh.          So Im going to Tell you one thing about Cent that for me now that you know my story makes me happy to share.           Seeing that Cent came out from such a bad place, being such a bad person, doing such horrible things but choosing to do better made me believe in others again. It made me believe that even if my sister does all the things she does. There is always a spot and place for her to truly come about and make a better decision too. True, Cent is a more able bodied man and isnt disabled like my sister. But its just the fact that he does and he could and he can. That makes me believe anyone can.           It makes me feel like no matter who you were in the past; you can always chose to be better then that. And no matter how many times or who wants to believe who you are in the past dictates who you are in the future. Wont ever mean as much; That anyone despite the things they have done can always chose to be a better person then what they had been. And cent really does solidify that fact. As someone who knew him from the time as a cat fished. That got catfished by him. Literally back stabbed by him. Only to come down and talk again as friends.                   I feel like I get to say that not anyone else, and Im really glad to be able to say that lmao. He is my closet friend and will always remain to be.             I don’t mind if you feel you do not want to talk to me or think I romanticize his issues as someone who has gone through so much. So much and more, you would not begin to understand. I feel you are more then welcome to believe that but I know there are people who talk to him and know what he does and feels the same. And are comfortable with the rounded world they have created with friends.              And I really ( SHOUNEN VOICE ) I really just believe in people--people change. And Cent makes me realize that this is possible. And you cant just remove people out of your life thinking they wont. And because I know better and because I am an adult with my head well on my shoulders. I can make that decision, i understand if you cannot yet or are afraid or uncertain. I implore you to keep yourself safe just know that some of us feel chill. and we are all alright btw!! So dont feel like we are being attacked or manipulated by cent. 

But I insist you stop thinking that trying to get rid of someone is going to solve an issue. People continue living and breathing every day regardless of what you think or want to happen? No one is ignoring the issues or ignoring the fact that stuff happened if you are scared or uncertain as well about them feel free to add me and we can always group convo and you can let your feelings bare. Or anyone really? just be mindful and fair?

This isnt going to make Cent come back i really just feel like. I want these feelings to be known and that if you are ever called out personally I will gladly give you a chance of your own. I can only hope to god, that he would give that chance to my sister one day if something happened. And to anyone and everyone, as well as  teach other people that everyone deserves that much.

[inosukeslefttoe]

todays brain vomit :)

so i was recently diagnosed with depression right ? and my whole life i just thought there was smthn wrong with me or i was doing it for attention and i always blamed myself and that ended up with me yknow... not liking myself very much. but after i got diagnosed i was like woah so its not just like inherently /me/ thats messed up its just a illness thats making me like this !!

thats when i started trying to separate my depression/any other bad stuff that seems to go beyond just regular emotions n shit from myself and think of them as two separate entities and i just wanted to talk for a second about how much thats helped me !!

so first off it makes me put less of the blame on myself when i start feeling /really/ bad or wanting to do something bad and instead of going back to that cycle of “im such a bad person” --> “i need to do something bad” --> “im bad for doing that bad thing/thinking that bad thing” ,, i try and stop and be like “this isnt normally me this is just the depression telling me these things its not me so i dont have to punish myself”... it doesnt always work but its really helped me ground myself sometimes when i think im about to spiral :)

it also helps a lot when i start feeling extremely lonely. i love night time because im free to just hang out with myself and read manga or watch anime or do whatever, and i genuinely enjoy that alone time so i know that i usually am able to like spending time with myself which i equate with liking myself. however, sometimes i just get this gaping hole of loneliness and it feels so overwhelming and suffocating and i get paralyzed and all that stuff right and for a while i was like “omg i cant be alone bc i hate myself” and i would spiral. recently though, ive tried revising that thinking to be more like “im not me right now, my depression decided to stop by for a visit and since no one else is here, its my greatest influence and thats why i feel like this”. that really helps me stop that pattern of self deprication and instead just be pissed at depression rather than myself.

i know this part sounds dumb but sometimes i personify the depression and when i have thoughts that im utterly alone and abandoned im like “lmao at least i got my good ol buddy depression here to lay in bed with me while i try to watch anime/do smthn distracting” and sometimes it actually makes me feel a lil comforted... i guess i know that its something i cant expect to be gone right away so i just have to make my peace with it being here for a while and stay longer than usual sometimes and thinking of it as someone i know is a nicer way to twist things ?? lmao this probably sounds so stupid but again,, this blog is just for my brain vomit.

omg also someone actually reblogged one of my posts !! and it wasnt a bot !! i didnt expect anyone to find any of this shit haha but i felt so cool and popular getting my singular notification :)) it seriously made my day so thank you to that lovely soul for cheering me up a lil bit <3 :))

12/07/20

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.